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Fan fiction is rife with cliches, and the Teen Titans fandom is no exception. Before, we looked at Realization, a story where Raven gets inexplicably raped by Slade and somehow falls in love with Robin. Rape is basically a staple of the fan fiction community, and it is almost never handled well; Realization was no exception. It was a textbook example of a trite, overused writing cliche.

This story is in a similar vein, in that it also relies upon a cliched storytelling device: the alternate universe where all the characters are high school students!

Normal Teenage Life was once one of the most read and reviewed stories in the entire Teen Titans section of ff.net. In its heyday--circa 2004-2005--it had well over five hundred reviews, each one praising the inanity of a story wherein superheroes are robbed of everything that made them interesting and turned into mere shadows of what they once were, whining and complaining incessantly about how horrible they have it as privileged, prep school kids who want for nothing.

But this particular story has a gimmick--most of its chapters are "normal" retellings of episodes from the series, taking the extraordinary situations that the cast found themselves in and making them plain, trite and, well, ordinary. Needless to say, Normal Teenage Life lives up to its name completely--it's an in-depth look at the daily lives of a bunch of whiny shits who do nothing for twenty-nine chapters.

*****

A REPOST OF NTL, ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED In 2004!

Back when it was excusably bad! Unfortunately, it, unlike its writer, has not appreciated in value. *sigh*

Normal Teenage Life

Chapter 1: Beginnings

Original Japanese Title: Welcome to Jefferson High!!! The Contrivance of New Arrivals!

REAL NAMES

Robin: Dick Grayson (And this one is right!)

To his eternal chagrin

Starfire: Kori Anderson (Okay, so her real name is Koriand'r... I changed it a little)

Well, you and every other teen hack who's ever gotten a Word-capable laptop, watched an episode of Teen Titans, then went to school the following day and was struck with sudden inspiration.

Raven: Raven Sabel (Raven's her real name right? I know that Sabel isn't her last name though...but it sounds like a good one)

Be neat if it were spelled correctly.

SABLE: Makes sense.

SABEL: Sounds pseudo-French and gay.

Beastboy: Garfield (Gar) COUNT Logan (So is this one, this one is right too)

Cyborg: Victor Stone (This name is exact)

Bumblebee: Betty Klein (Don't know her real name...but you'll see later why I chose this one)

Because of her fascination with men's underwear.

Speedy: Roy Harper (Miraculously, this is his real name)

Terra: (Well, her name is just Terra. She has no last name. Or a past for that matter...YET)

Whizzed THAT one right down your leg, didn'cha sweetheart?

Blackfire: Mandy Anderson (Okay, fine, so her real name is Korimand'r...but Mandy was the closest I could get).

The unfortunately-named Mandy Anderson, everybody! Aside from the delicious, rhyming nature of her name, she is no doubt subject to countless Barry Manilow jokes.

Kitten: Camile Railson (Obviously not real.)

Railson=Son of Rails. Camile obviously comes from a noble lineage of boxcar-hoppers.

Jinx: Jill Stevens (Don't know the real name...)

And I suppose looking it up would be completely out of the question. Not that I mind, since this opens up a large can of potential Jill Sandwich jokes.

Gizmo: Zach Cabot (Same as above)

Mammoth: Max Hughs (Don't know the real name...)

"Let's get it started in here, Let's get it started in here-ALRIGHT IT'S MORNING NOW AND TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GET UP AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC! THIS HAS BEEN DJ-"

ALRIGHT IT'S ONLY THE FIRST ACTUAL SENTENCE OF THE STORY AND ALREADY I HATE IT AND WANT TO VIOLENTLY ASSAULT AND DESTROY IT!

Raven woke up to the popular radio station and turned off her alarm, where the digital clock showed the time being 7:00 AM.

"Dammet...I hate Thursdays...God it's too early to get up."

That's...an awfully random day to hate.

"Come Raven! You must awake so we can get ready!" A perky voice said.

"Kori, go away..."

"But even Terra is up! We will be late for class!"

Not that I mind, but the last couple of stories I've read have made a habit of implying that Terra is the absolute ditziest, laziest and least-intelligent human being on the planet. Seriously, and I thought they gave Beast Boy a hard time.

"What are you talking about? It's 7 in the morning."

"Uh..no it's not Raven! You were supposed to change your clock foward last night, remember? And besides, it's Friday! Not Thursday!" The blonde girl Kori had called Terra said.

Raven: A Friday?! Dammit! If there're two things I hate more than Thursdays, it's Fridays and that worthless maggot-cunted hag Terra!

"WHAT?" Raven said as she bolted up and ran into the bathroom. Kori and Terra heard her ranting on about 'stupid day light savings time' and 'stupid alarm clocks.'

Raven Sabel was one of the 250 kids who attended Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding school. She was of medium-height with purple hair (she had dyed it ages ago) and violet eyes. Her skin was pale. She was considered a goth, because she wore a lot of black, very quiet, and was always reading, except her five best friends, who knew her better than that.

2day she wuz wreaing a goffik blak t-shit, goffik blak genes and a thong dat sed simple plan on da butt (if u wnat 2 c massage me ill tell u)

She was only there because according to her mother, 'it would be good for her'. She hadn't seen her father in years.

Uh-oh, I smell a teenage girl self-insertion angst-Sue!

"We must leave in 15 minutes to be in time for breakfast!" Kori called.

Kori: Commandant will be most cross with us if we are tardy again, and I've no desire to reacquaint my tender virgin posterior with Sergeant Spanky the Ass-Paddle.

Kori Anderson also attended Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding school. She was stuck there, because she was an orphan.

Because as everybody knows, orphans are always extremely wealthy, and can afford to live at expensive prep schools. Why, haven't you read Harry Potter?

Her parents had been killed two years ago in an accident she didn't like to speak of.

This should allow the author to avoid writing a backstory for her until she's come up with one. Let's wait and see how this turns out!

She was a little on the tall side, with long red hair and green eyes. To most, she was thought of as 'weird', because she spoke differently.

That, and she liked to stick her tongue in people's ears to check for Yeerks.

She grew up somewhere in the Middle East, and although she had no accent, she still insisted upon speaking her way. She was rather positive most of the time.

Oh hey! Kori is Naomi Hunter!

"Should I wear the brown boots or the black loafers?" Terra asked to Kori.

"I believe that the brown boots would go better than your loafers." She answered. "Raven you should really hurry up!"

There's nothing I love reading about more than teenage girls going about their morning routines, discussing what outfits they're going to wear and what shoes go better with their thigh-high stockings, and can you still see the cumstains on this blouse...

"I'm coming!" She said. "Stupid early mornings..."

"I hate early mornings too ya know!" Terra yelled through the bathroom door.

Terra was rather small, had big blue eyes and blonde hair. She loved the outdoors. No one knew much about her past, but they all knew that she wasn't stuck there.

She had a DeLorean!

She knew a ton about rocks, and would probably be some sort of geologist. If Raven could be possibly be considered the 'negetive' one and Kori the 'positive' one, than Terra would probably be descibed as just about in the middle of the two extremes. But remember, I said possibly. Not definitely. Possibly. Remember that.

Hey, fuck you third-person omniscient narrator! You can't tell me what to do! I control my own fate! Fact of the matter is, I control yours too, so shut your incorporeal piehole or I'm going to edit this story and turn it into a slasher! And no, I do not mean that two men are going to start packing fudge, I mean that heads are going to roll, limbs are going to fall and you are going to regret EVER fucking with me! You got that, third-person omniscient narrator?!

"OMG I just forgot!" Terra said.

"What is it?" Raven asked as ran out of the bathroom. 'I'll put my make-up on later.' She thought.

Raven: Right after I carve a Glasgow smile into Terra for actually pronouncing "OMG." Dumb whore.

"We were supposed to meet the guys before breakfast! I needed the English homework!"

"Then we should leave now and perhaps we could catch them in time!" Kori said optimistically.

I'm going to be relying on My Immortal for my jokes. More often than usual, it seems.

"Victor, did you get a date for the dance tomorrow night?" Garfield asked.

"Tomorrow night? The dance is tonight!" Victor said.

"IT'S TONIGHT?"

"Uhh...yeah!"

"Damment! Do you have a date?"

Damment!

"Nah...none of the girls here are my type...

"You know...none o'them have a penis."

What about you?"

"ME? No way. I don't do that whole date thing." He lied.

Garfield feigns asexuality, so that nobody looks beneath the hood and sees his crippling self-image problem. Also, he smells like Orson Welles' rectum. Makes it hard to find potential dates.

"And what about you Dick? You asked Kori yet?"

"Why would I do that? She's my best friend, not my girlfriend you dolt." Dick replied.

Oh. It's one of these stories. *sigh* I suppose I should start rooting for the alpha couple now, pretending to be caught up in all those forced "will-they-won't-they" moments and then squeal like a fangirl when, yes, they finally do.

"Su-ure it's that way."

"God dammet girls take forever!" Garfield said.

Dammet!

"They should have been here 10 minutes ago!" Victor Stone said indicating the dining hall entrance they were standing near.

Victor Stone is such an insufferably patronizing douchebag that he feels he needs to point out to his friends that "here" means "the location that I am presently standing in and gesticulating at madly like an irate Italian butcher.

"Look there they are!" Dick said.

Dick Grayson was around the same height as Kori Anderson (okay, fine, so I made him a bit taller. so sue me. Wait, strike that, don't sue me...fine...I'll put the disclaimer up! JUST DON'T SUE ME!),

What did I say? What did I say?! Better pay closer attention next time, hon, because I'm not cutting you so much slack the next time you pull some shit like that!

with black hair spiked up every morning. His eyes were icy blue. He was semi-popular, despite the fact that he played no sports what so ever.

As anybody knows, you'll never be popular amongst your peers in high school unless you play sports. Dick Grayson is the exception to that rule, bless his soul.

His parents, also like Kori's, were dead. He had an adoptive father though.

Victor Stone was an unnaturally tall African American black. Just say black. who was quarterback for the school's football team and was very popular. Despite that, he was down-to-earth. He loved cars, and was constantly working on his to make it better.

The nitro-boost and oil slick combination gave him an unfortunate setback, however.

No one knew much about his mother, but they had met his father when he came earlier in the year to inform Victor of something. He had been unnaturally quiet after that visit...

They later discovered that it was because Raven had slashed his throat and extracted his larynx as an offering to Satan.

See that, bitch?! And there's plenty more where that came from!!!

But aside from that, he is very loud, especially when playing video games.

He cussed up a blue streak to put the entire Navy to shame during a marathon run of The Conduit.

Garfield Logan, or more commonly known as Gar, was a short somewhat shrimpy kid. He had medium tone skin, with dark hair and green eyes. He wasn't really good at anything yet.

Everything he tried just left him a little bit more broken...

Aside from Terra, the group knew the least about his family. He was a typical class-clown, and made jokes constantly.

Bad jokes--some of them involving refrigerators and Prince Albert in a can--but it's the effort that counts.

Like Kori, he was stuck here until something better came along.

"(huff huff) Sorry we're late." Terra said as she, Raven, and Kori ran toward the three boys.

"Bitchcunt here got a little sore over me pouring a cup of my own urine into her mouth while she was asleep," Raven snorted, jerking her thumb at a beet-read Terra.

"What have you been doing?" Victor asked.

"I forgot to change my clock last night." Raven answered.

"Smart move." Garfield answered.

"So do you have the homework?" Terra asked Garfield.

"Yeah I've got it."

"Homework," of course, being code for their weekly shipment of Codeine syrup. Some lucky bastards are gonna be grippin' and sippin' tonight!

"Is that not cheating?" Kori asked.

"It's just homework. No one'll ever know." Terra said.

Besides Jesus. And boy howdy, Terra, it is not possible for him to hate you any more than he (and, by extension, this story) does now.

"C'mon guys, breakfast is starting."

"Er...I'll be there in a minute." Raven said as she turned the other way.

Curiously, it's the binging and not the purging that Raven's uncomfortable with.

"Okay, but you'd better come back in a few minutes or you won't get any breakfast!" Gar yelled after her.

"That's like, the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. What's up with that whole breakfast rule?" Terra said.

"What if you wake up at 8:30? Then you'd miss the 8:15 deadline and be hungry all day."

Then wake up before 8:15, you lazy assholes! It's not that fucking difficult! Children all across America--nay, all around the world--do it on the daily just to get to school, and you're whining because you have to do it to enjoy fresh-cooked breakfast?!

Fucking privileged-ass...bunch of Holden Caulfields, that's what you all are.

"Stupid principal..." Victor mumbled as he piled bacon and eggs on to his plate.

"I AM OUTRAGED THAT THE PRINCIPAL MAKES ME WAKE UP AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING SO THAT I CAN GET A SUMPTUOUS BANQUET OF EGGS AND BACON DAMN THAT SON OF A BITCH WHY I OUGHT TO GET MY DADDY TO SUE HIM OUT OF BOTH HIS HOUSEKEEPERS AND HIS MOTOR POOL LOLOOOLLLOLLLOOOLLLLLOOL"

"DUDE! How can you EAT THAT STUFF? IT'S been like, a LIVING thing." Garfield complained.

Actually, the eggs were never technically alive, unless Garfield takes "pro-life" to a whole new crazy-ass level...

"Gar, we go through this every day. You're a vegan, and Vic's a carnivore. Must you guys argue every day?" Dick said.

"But it's living creature."

It's not; in point of fact, it's dead. Very dead. Tasty, too.

"I need the protein. We're facing Washington on Sunday and I hear they're killer." Victor said.

"You have NO idea." Terra said as the group sat down at a table.

It's a grave disservice to the name of the father of our country if something named after him doesn't kick ass seven thousand ways from next Sunday.

"What are you talking about?"

"I used to go there, remember? They're quarterback, is nicknamed Mammoth because he's so huge."

They're quarterback!

Wouldn't a teenager with a hyper-berserk pituitary gland be better suited as a lineman?

"Joy."

"I see you losers are sitting at our table." A voice said from behind Kori. It was Camile Railson, also called Kitten because of all the cat fights she got into.

Chilling. She'd probably go down in six seconds flat if she ever picked a fight with a girl who actually knew how to...you know, fight.

She, her boyfriend Kyle, and their group of friends made up the most feared group in all of school. Also known as the popular group.

"Since when has this been your table?" Raven asked (she had returned from wherever she had been by now).

That had better be fucking essential to the plot, Narrator, or it's my foot in your ass!

"Since we wanted it." Mandy Anderson said. She was Kori's older (only by a year) sister, but they both like to pretend that they weren't related.

"There are like, three tables left in the caf, just pick another one." Victor said.

"Look tough guy, we want this table and we're gonna take this table." A boy named Johnny R. said.

He was backed up by his friends, Sid V. and Jerry G.

"Friends, let us move, I do not want to cause any trouble." Kori said gentley.

Gentley!

"Course you don't you freak." Camile said.

"Leave her out of this." Dick said. "We'll move."

And just like that, the testicles of everybody in a ten-foot radius shrunk six sizes.

"God they hate us. What did we ever do to them?" Gar said as they moved their seats.

"Kori, we're gonna be late for gym class and you know how Jameson hates it when we're late." Raven said.

Poor Jonah lost his job at the Daily Bugle and now he's a second-rate gym teacher in a bad AU fanfic.

"Yeah, and I've got English." Terra said.

"Yeah, the homework could have been worse. It was only three paragraphs." Gar said.

Three paragraphs? Where the hell is Gamer-E?! We need to get him all up in this bitch to complain, dammit!

"I thought that it was three pages." Kori asked.

"THREE PAGES! GAR I'M GONNA BE DEAD!" Terra yelled.

"It was three pages for everyone in our class remember? Your class gets different homework." Dick said.

Ahh, the joys of being in Remedial English for the Differently-Abled.

"That's good for Gar cuz I think Terra would have killed him." Victor said as he pointed to the quivering Garfield.

"Aw..is widdle Garfield afraid of the big bad Terra?" Terra mocked, trying to mantain a straight face, but burst out laughing, along with everyone. Expect Raven of course, but she just smirked and muttered 'Pitiful'.

I don't see what's so pitiful about that, since you all collectively shat yourselves after being threatened by a gang lead by somebody called "Kitten." Anything else just kind of pales by comparison.

"Uh..no I always sit like this." He said sitting up straight.

"Kori come on!" Raven said as she got up.

"Yes Raven, I do not wish to be late again." Kori said as she too got up.

"Uh..Kori wait!" Dick said.

"Yes?"

"Umm...uh..I...nevermind."

Dick: *Dammit Damment, Richard, now is not the time to reveal your unsightly back hair to the girl you have a crush on!

Dick said. Kori shrugged and ran off after Raven.

"The point of doing that was?" Terra asked.

"You were going to ask her weren't you?" Vic asked.

"Umm...maybe..."

Figures. Doesn't have the stones to stand up to a bully named fucking Kitten,, doesn't have the stones to ask the impressionable teenage bombshell to go to the Chastity Ball, or whatever the hell prep school assholes go to.

"Gar, come on, we've gotta get to English, you know that she'll kill us if we're late..." Terra said as she and Gar got up.

"God I love having first period off...but as I was saying...so you were gonna ask Kori to the dance weren't you?" Vic said.

"That's none of your business."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

Vic: Son, I'm the fuckin' bookee. Your life is literally my business.

"Before we go outside, we've got a new student." Ms. Jameson said.

"I knew I should have brought my coat...I'll freeze." Raven muttered to Kori.

"Did I not remind you that we had gym today?" Kori asked.

Even in cold weather, I don't see what wearing a heavy coat would do in gym class.

"No, you didn't. Who do you suppose this new kid is? Probably another clone of Kitten or Mandy." Raven commented.

The Les Enfantes Terrible project hit a snag after Big Boss left the Patriots, so they had to settle for cloning whatever shortbus bitch was available

"Her name is Betty Klein, and she's a transfer student from the East Coast." Ms. Jameson announced to the class.

"I'd prefer if you'd just call me Bee."

"It's what I'm covered in, after all. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!"

Bee stepped through the gym doors, almost on cue. Bee seemed to be a little taller than Kori, (which was pretty tall). She was African American Your feeble attempts at being PC amuse and infuriate me, with her black hair pulled into a low ponytail and she had chocolate brown eyes raaaiiiin. She was wearing a tight-yellow long sleeved top and black pants.

"God she looks like such a jerk."

Oh, Anonymous Racist, you card--don't ever change!

"Okay class we're going outside." Ms. Jameson said as the class got up and started walking out of the gym.

Bee was instantly approached by Camile, Kyle, Mandy and Johnny.

"So new student huh?" Kyle said.

"Uhh..yeah. Or were you not listening?" Bee answered.

"Look. We're the most popular group in school. And we think you'd make a good addition to our group." Camile said.

Camile: Those NAACP bastards have been hounding us for months. Having you around'd finally get them off our backs.

"With you freaks? No way."

"We're the most popular group in school. If we want someone in our group, they're in. Got it?" Johnny said.

...So they're the ultra-inclusive...exclusive group.

"No way. I don't have to join your dumb 'group' if I don't want to. I don't listen to anyone but myself." She said.

"Fine ya stupid sweet little bumblebee." Mandy said.

"She does look like one doesn't she?" Camile said as her 'group' went off snickering.

Betty's a little bit too black and two-handed to be a bumblebee, don't you think you short-bus bitch?!

Not to steal a line from Shmeckie, but come the hell on...!

"Stupid jerks." Bee muttered.

"Ya think?" Raven asked as she walked up.

"What? Another bunch of jerks trying to use me?"

Well, it's either be used by the losers, be used by the giant-ass losers, or be used by the Patriots. It's kind of a no-win scenario.

"We are just trying to be friendly." Kori said.

"Sorry bout that. Considering my first encounter of people in this school were complete power-hungry jerks, I didn't know people on the west coast could be nice to new kids."

Ah, defying the stereotype of the East Coast prep school, are we? Well, good look, story that was written in abject ignorance of how any region besides Long Island operates, because I am going to be watching you like a motherfuckin' HAWK.

"So do you like football?" Kori asked.

"Like it? It's one of my fave sports!" She said.

"Well good, cuz that's what we're playing. You can be on our team." Raven said as they reached the football field.

Raven: I, uh, I hope you know how to play, because we mostly just run around in circles while the other team plows us up and down the field.

In English class, the Mrs. Matler was starting their unit on poetry. Or more so, trying to remember her lesson plan.

Mrs. Matler's senility is clearly becoming a problem, impairing her ability to teach more and more as the years drag on...

"Let's see...was that thing we were going to go over? Was it poetry? Or maybe it was short stories?" She fumbled through her desk. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "Yes, come in."

The door opened and in stepped two people.

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold! They're back from the grave and even wussier than before!

The principal stepped in followed by a medium height woman with dark curly hair and brown eyes hidden by glasses.

"Mrs. Matler? I'd like to see you outside." The principal, Mr. Wilson said.

"What? But I was just going to start-" She answered.

"That's all very nice, but you're needed in the office."

Mr. Wilson: That Dennis boy keeps getting into my important files, and you're the only one who can reason with him!

"Yes...but who will teach the class? And who is this nice woman standing by you?"

"This is Mrs. Katz. She'll teach the class for now."

"Well alright then..." Mrs. Matler said as she walked out the door.

"I bet the old bat's gonna get fired." Gar whispered to Terra.

A sudden gunshot sent Gar's breakfast straight through his colon and mashed against his underwear, as he realized the unsettling truth of Mr. Wilson pulling Mrs. Matler from the class.

"That would be nice. Then maybe we'd actually get something done for a change." Terra whispered back and smirked.

"So you're teacher said that you're starting a unit on poetry? Okay, first off, I want you to all write a poem." Mrs. Katz said.

"But I thought that you were supposed to teach us poetry." Terra called out.

"I want to see what you guys know." She answered.

Shouldn't take long.

"Stupid boring ol' poetry..." She muttered as she started scribbing some rhyming lines about nature in her language arts section of her binder.

In Dick, Victor, and Gar's room, Dick and Victor were argueing over whether or not Dick should ask Kori to the dance.

Dick: I'm sorry, Vic, but I just don't feel that way about you! And no, I don't care that our nicknames rhyme; we are NEVER getting together!

"All I'm sayin is that if you like her, ask her!" Victor said.

"Who says that I-" Dick started to say, but was interrupted as the door swung open. In stepped a guy a little taller than Dick, with red hair and green eyes.

"A lot of people," he fumed, "have been making fun of gingers, and that's not cool! Gingers have souls! I go to Church! I'm a Christian! You can't judge me! You're not God--whoooooo!"

"Who are you?" Victor asked.

"You didn't know that you were getting a new roommate?" The guy asked.

"We had to sometime, I mean we do have that extra bed." Victor whispered to Dick.

"So what's your name?" Dick asked.

"Roy Harper. I was the star of the track team at my old school though, so my friends call me Speedy." He said.

He suddenly cracked up. "Nah, I'm kidding--it's because of my drug habit. That crap about the track team's a cover story."

"Actually, I prefer Speedy to my real name."

"Where'd ya come from?" Victor asked.

"New York." Speedy answered.

"Need help unpacking?"

"That would be nice."

"So what do class do you have?"

What do class do you--who the hell is talking?

"Well, I have first period off, but for second period normally I've got Social Studies, but they're giving me extra time to unpack."

A principal that feeds his students a full breakfast spread AND is generous enough to give them time off from class to settle in?! What a monster!

"We have that same class. Don't worry about unpacking. Doesn't matter if we miss Dalato's class." Dick said.

Domo arigato, Mr. Dalato...

"Again." Victor said with a grin.

"You cut class often?"

"Only as long as I can stay on the football team." Victor answered. Speedy looked at him in question.

"He's the quarterback." Dick explained.

And thus is absolved of all other responsibilities in life.

"Hey who's the other guy who's supposed to be here? I heard that there was three people in here."

"Oh Garfield's the other guy. He's in English now though. Our scheduales are demented."

Scheduales!

"So any hot girls around here?" Speedy asked.

"Well, they're's Kori Anderson..." Victor said.

"Victor..." Dick said warningly.

But he totally doesn't like her, guys.

"Who's Kori Anderson?" Speedy asked.

"Dick's best friend...also known as the girl who he likes but the guy's a chicken when it comes to asking her out." Victor explained.

"OH...so I take it she's off-limits?"

"Ya think?"

"Does anything interesting ever happen here?"

Occasionally, we get to find out who's talking during any given sentence, but otherwise, not really, no.

"You have no idea." Dick said.

"Dude, have you seen our principal? Mr. Wilson is like pure evil." Victor said.

Have I already filled my sarcasm quota? If so, then let me restate that Mr. Wilson sounds like the nicest, most accommodating administrator ever, and that these kids are full of crap.

"In what way so?"

"How many classes do you think we'll have to skip to explain your personal issues with the guy?" Victor teased Dick.

"About 3 or 4." Dick said with a grin.

Glad to see all that tuition is going somewhere important, kids!

"So you'd better start explaining." Speedy said.

"Raven, has anyone asked you to the dance?" Kori asked as they walked out of the gym.

This might come too late, since it's near the end of the mock and all, but these scene transitions are giving me fuckin' whiplash...

"Dance? What dance?" Bee asked.

"The Fall Dance is tonight."

"Ooh. So Kori have you gotten any invites?" Bee asked.

"Sure. She's got plenty. But she's waiting for one from Dick." Raven explained.

"RAVEN!" Kori yelled.

Quick, Kori! Gouge her eyes out and gag her with them; it's the only way she'll learn!

"Who's Dick?" Bee asked

"Her best friend." Raven explained.

"RAVEN!" Kori repeated.

"Who she secretly likes." Raven said with a smirk.

"You do have an evil mind." Kori asked in defeat.

Nah. Raven's just kind of a bitch.

"When I want to." Raven said, still smirking.

"So what's your next class Bee?" Kori asked, changing the subject.

"I've got Language Arts." Bee replied.

Oh, just say English, you pissant.

"What do you have next?"

"Language Arts, you know, English."

"Then why do you call it Language Arts?" Raven asked.

"Where I'm from in New York, that's what they call English class."

'Course, where she's from in New York, they call black people things that I can't repeat on here, so it's probably best that we refrain from using her vernacular.

"Oh..I've got French class." Kori answered.

"Spanish." Raven said.

"Damn! Maybe your friend Terra you were telling me about will be in it." Bee said.

*****

Wha--that's it? That's the end?! No postscript? No teenage girl bullshittery as a bookend?!

This is the best fucking fanfic ever!

Now, my memory isn’t what it once was, but I’m certain those days fall on Sunday.

And this is exactly why I fucking hate the High School AU- the characters are nothing but a shallow shell of a stereotype from a fucking 80's flick. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy movies like Revenge of the Nerds and Breakfast Club that put the students in their little clicks. But you know something? They were good! Honestly, why is it always that the QB has to be an idiot? I mean, memorizing all those plays can't be done by just anybody, you know- not to mention other factors. Then we got the class clown, the dumb blonde bitch stereotype, the gotz, etc. Jesus Christ, do fucking high schools act like this now that I'm gone?

What the. WELL IF THAT WASN'T BORING GAIZ!



Sorta kinda but not really.

I remember in elementary school, some high schoolers came to visit. A girl asked them, "Do you guys [insert some generic high school movie problem here]?" They busted out laughing in her face.

I looked her up on Wikipedia, and it said she's never revealed her real name.

Goddamn this is pointlessly boring. Good thing you only have 28 more chapters to go!

I'm sorry, that comment about Gamer-e actually made me stop for a second and I burst out laughing for like five minutes. I have no idea why I found it so funny.

In every fantasy or sci-fi based fandom, there always seems to be at least one high school AU fic that becomes overwhelmingly popular and I wish I could say I don't know why.

Although this does give me an idea for my next mock. I've been wanting to mock a fic I enjoyed when I was younger. Now I just have to see if it's still up...

Now, for those of you who enjoyed the action-packed thrill ride that was the first chapter, I have got a real treat! This chapter somehow manages to top the non-stop fun of the first, filled with more pulse-pounding conversations, gossip and scenes of high school life than you'll know what to do with! Can you dig it?!

*****

Chapter 2: Classes and All-Nighters

Original Japanese Title: "Will You Go To The Dance With Me?" The Coupling Of The Heroes!

When Garfield got to Spanish class, he found that Raven was already there.

"Took you long enough." She said as he sat down.

"Not my fault we've got a new teacher who can't take a joke."

[b]The joke was, of course, from Dane Cook. The teacher was well within his rights to punish Gar in whatever way he deemed appropriate.

"New teacher? What happened to Matler?"

"I dunno, Wilson came in toward the beginning of class and I think they've finally fired the old bat. We got this new nut named Katz."

"What did you do?"

"All I asked her was how many cats she owned."

This subverts my wisecrack about Dane Cook, because that particular pun manages to make Dane Cook look like the wittiest son of a bitch in the industry.

"That's a smart way to make an good impression." Raven said sarcastically.

"You should have seen Terra when she made us write a poem. That girl depises poetry."

Depises!

"She's hopeless."

"Sometimes I agree with you."

"Don't worry," Raven assured him. "I was able to smuggle a box cutter into the cafeteria today; we'll get that bitch. Where did you think I took off to?"

Garfield said as he turned to face the teacher who was starting the lesson. Raven continued staring in his direction though, lost in her own little world. Garfield had the feeling that he was being watched,

Garfield's rampant paranoia is getting the better of him yet again.

and after a couple of seconds, turned to face her again. "Rae? Uhh...Rae? You there?"

"Hmm? What? Oh, yeah, I'm here."

"What are you thinking about."

"Just thinking of another poem."

A haiku, in fact:

Gar, I have slain you
Your entrails adorn my wall
Your brain was tasty.

"How many do you have by now in that notebook?" Garfield asked indicating the black notebook Raven always carried with her.

I think I found Kira, guys.

"About 20 or so."

"Raven! Garfield! How many times have I told you! Stop talking! Come back from La-la land and come back into Alton (prononced Altohn) Land!" The teacher, called Senora Alton said.

I don't know why it was at all necessary to include a pronunciation key for what is in all likelihood a one-shot character who'll never appear again, but I really hope it doesn't happen too often in this story.

"Can you tell me the answer to number twelve?"

"Uh...no?" Garfield said.

#12: Mary has six apples. Tim comes along and eats three and a half of them. How many apples does Mary have now?

"Raven?"

"Nosotros estamos bailando la salsa."

"Very good. At least someone's paying attention."

Unfortunately, her pronunciation and accent were terrible, and it came out sounding more like "your mother sucks cocks in salsa."

"But I was paying attention." Garfield mumbled.

"Sure you were." Raven said with a smirk as she took out her black notebook and started writing.

Raven: Gar....Logan...noon...boomerang off a cliff...

"See? You're not even paying attention."

"At least I know the answers.

Carving the answers into your wrist with a hairpin and knowing them are two different creatures, Raven.

Now shut it! I'm busy." Raven said as she finished scribbling. She re-read the poem that she had just written, and thought it was okay. 'Darkness is everywhere.

Oh shit, she's been plagiarizing the works of Xehanort.

It haunts the corners of your mind.

It's the thing that keeps you up at night.

When you least expect it.

Darkness will arise.

Darkness is blamed for many things.

Oil spillage, truck bombings, cyber-terrorism--oh wait, that's Project AFTER.

It's blamed for why you've cried.

It's blamed for the things that it's never done.

What about all the toes that have been stubbed because it was too dark to see at night? What about all the objects have have been tripped over because the darkness obscured your vision? Huh?! You think darkness is some blameless, pure creature? You don't know what you're talking about! I hope someone shines a flashlight in your face and you have to blink a couple of times to clear your vision, you bourgeois bitch!

Things that it's blamed for,

It's never done, and it never could.

And people fear the dark.

But darkness is just misunderstood.

Like Roman Polanski.

Because people do not fear the dark.

They fear what may be lurking in it.

Like Roman Polanski.

Each night this fears is confronted.

But for most it lingers through the years.

And is only banished at dawn.

Is this thing still going? Jesus, how long can one wangsty goff wax poetic about darkness?

When the light shines through

And conquers all their fears.'

...and fills their dark souls with LIIIIIGHT!!!

Raven wasn't the only one day dreaming. Kori was sitting in French class, bored to death. They were going over how to conjugate the verb amor. For the thirty thousandth time.

'Course it's really their own faults, because had they learned to conjugate it correctly the first fucking time...

"Don't forget to write this all down class!" Madame Louise said.

"We've gone over this like, twenty times! What's the point of doing this?" Camile said.

I thought it was thirty thousand? Damn this story and its inconsistent writing!

"It never hurts to review Camile! Now copy down the notes!"

"What's point? It's not like I'm ever gonna talk to someone in French!"

"Then why exactly are you in this class?" In response to that, Camile and all her friends (Mandy, Lilly, Michelle, and bunch of other supposidly loyal followers) in that class started giggling (they were all female) like crazy.

They had, once again, shown up to class stoned completely out of their minds and found any random comment from any random, unnamed character (I like to think it was Anonymous Racist again) absolutely hilarious.

Everyone in that group knew why she had taken French.

As part of her training to become an MI5 intelligence operative working deep undercover in Vichy France.

"Okay Camile, if you know this so well, then tell me the present progressive of the verb, amor."

"Umm...Um..."

Correct! Ten points to Gryffindor!

"See? It never hurts to review. Now can anyone tell me the correct answer?" A bunch of kids in class raised their hands, including Kori, and Dick who was in the class (Now think about why Camile aka Kitten, would want to take this french class).

So that she could have an opportunity to brutally dismember the both of them when they least expected it and rebuild them, mixing their respective pieces together to create two unfortunate bi-gender hodgepodges!

Don't fuck with me, Narrator.

"Uh...Raven? Raven?" Garfield said waving her hand in front of her face.

"What?" She said as she snapped into reality.

"Class was over five minutes ago. You've been staring into space the entire period."

I think we just fell into a time vortex and reemerged an hour into the future. Either that or this story doesn't know how to do a FUCKING SCENE TRANSITION.

"Five minutes ago? Doesn't that mean that we're late?"

"You might be late, but I'm not. I've got a free period remember?"

"I hate you."

"I know." Garfield said as he smirked and ran off laughing.

"Dammet! Now I"m late!"

For someone who's supposedly hyper-literate, Raven sure as shootin' can't spell "dammit" to save her life.

Raven said as she quickly ran out of the room, and toward the math room, her next class.

Bee was walking out of English class. Unfortunately for her, Terra wasn't in that class.

She was thus unable to shoot bullet bees into Terra's flesh.

I've recently decided to pretend that Bee is The Pain, you see.

And also unfortunately, she couldn't find either Kori or Raven. She was lost in thought on to where her next class was, and where Kori and Raven were, when she ran smack into someone.

That someone was the Juggernaut. Bee's life came to a sudden (and messy) end at that very second.

"Girl! Watch where you're going!" Victor said as Bee crashed into him.

"So-rry. Not like you're lookin either or you wouldn't have run right into me." Bee complained.

"ME? Run into you? You ran into me."

"Yeah whatever."

"Stupid new kids..." Victor mumbled.

"Stupid jock...Think they run the school..." Bee mumbled,

I thought da fukin prepz thought they run the school? Man, this has the potential for a mildly-interesting school-based political hierarchy drama.

Mildly interesting compared to what's actually going on, I mean.

then she saw Kori in the hallway. "Kori! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!

Bee's awfully codependent, isn't she?

Do you know where Carnegie's classroom is?"

"Yes! That is my next class!" Kori said as she led Bee to the class room.

"How's the teacher?"

"An evil demon from hell." A voice said. The two girls turned and saw Terra standing behind them.

Her eyes brimmed with tears, and her torn clothes and soiled shorts made it painfully clear that, once again, Mr. Carnegie had raped her up the pooper.

"And you are?"

"Terra. Who are you?" Terra answered.

"This is Bee! She is a new student from New York!" Kori answered.

"New York? I've been there. Real nice place.

A subtle clue to Terra's true identity as Khalid Shaikh Muhammad?

Good ta' meet you." Terra said.

"So this teacher's an evil demon?" Bee asked.

"Depends who you are."

I'm sort of entertaining the fantasy that Carnegie is actually Diablo, and that he and Bee are going to wage an epic battle of video game antagonists. Stuff like that helps me get through these things. Like when I was reading Twilight, and midway through one of the thousands of endless car-driving conversations I started fantasizing about the Shagohod running them into the ocean.

Around lunch time, the group met up outside. Well, most of them. Victor was late.

And this story's just become about mpreg. Wonderful.

Dick, Kori, Terra, Raven, and Garfield were standing around talking. Bee was reading something.

Bee: Man, I just cannot get enough of Org's Odyssey!

"Hey Bee, what are you reading?" Raven asked.

"It's a letter from my dad. He sent a letter up here early, so I'd get it when I got here." Bee explained.

"What does the letter say?" Kori asked curiously.

Bee: Oh, you know, DNA tests were negative, blah blah blah, I've got no reason to support you anymore, yap yap yap, start selling your body to pay for your tuition...

"He's just asking me to send him a letter about how school here is, have I met any new friends, is there a dance..blah blah...you know, typical dad stuff." Most of the group went silent. "You know what I'm mean?"

"Yeah..." Terra said softly, but the other's didn't answer. None of them really mentioned their parents. Ever.

Sucks when your student body is 98.4 % orphans. Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School sounds like the must depressing fucking campus on the planet.

"Where's Victor?" Dick asked, changing the subject.

"I dunno. I saw him talking to the football coach after gym." Garfield said.

"That's like all the guy thinks about, football and cars.

That and complaining about the buffet spread not being convenient enough.

Does he ever do anything else?" Terra asked.

"Aside from torturing me?"

"I thought that was my job! Aww...I've got competition," said Revolver Ocelot, twirling a Single Action Army idly as he thought about all the ways to make Victor "disappear."

Seriously, if this story doesn't start telling me who's talking...

"Very funny. The guy just doesn't have a girl to keep his mind off things."

"Excuse me?" Bee said in an offended voice.

"Excuse you what?"

"You said, 'he doesn't have a girl'. Whethere or not he has a girlfriend, you can't have a girl. A girl is not an item you can posses. WE'RE LIVING BEINGS." Bee said in an annoyed tone.

Just when I was thinking "How can this story possibly get any less tolerable," it goes ahead and outs one of its characters as a militant feminist. I can't wait for the inevitable chapter where Bee steals the bras of all her friends and torches them in the quad.

"She's a bit of a feminist, ignore that." Raven said.

Suddenly, Victor ran up toward the group. "Sorry I'm late, the coach just wanted to talk to me about-" Victor started to explain, but then he saw Bee. "What are you doing here?"

"ME? What about you?" Victor protested.

"What? Do you two have issues with each other or something?" Dick asked.

"Yeah." Victor said, and Bee nodded.

That kind of mid-hallway collision can leave deep, lifelong animosity between two people...

"Good! Now Victor has a date to the dance!" Garfield said.

"WHAT?" Bee and Victor expolded exploded.

No, it makes perfect sense. He's black, she's black--why, it's a match made in heaven.

Expolded!

"I am not going to the dance with the feministic bumblebee." Victor said.

"Well, I wouldn't go to the dance with you even if you asked me."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

That last comment I made wasn't a joke, by the way. They're black, so naturally, they're going to be paired.

"Why? Am I not-"

"Does anyone know where Raven went?" Kori asked.

"She was here just a minute ago." Terra said.

"I'll go look for her." Garfield said as he walked away.

"He would." Victor laughed.

"What? Does he like her or something?" Dick asked.

"What do you think?" asked film director Peter Jackson as he reviewed the script for The Hobbit with tears in his eyes.

"I get it. C'mon guys, let's go get some lunch." Terra said.

Garfield looked in Raven's room. She wasn't there. She checked the places she normally hung out. She wasn't there. Finally, out of places to search, he decided to return to the dining hall. He walked in with a look of defeat on his face.

Gar: If she's not here, I'm going to hang myself. And I mean it this time!

"I couldn't-" He started, but then he saw Raven sitting at the table, talking to Kori.

"Raven! Where were-"

"She's been there the entire time. I dunno where she went. She refuses to tell us." Terra said.

Raven flashed the box cutter behind Terra's head and made a throat-slashing gesture, winking at Beast Boy.

"It's none of your business where I went." Raven snapped.

"Someone's touchy." Bee said.

"Hey Speedy! You finally caught up with us!" Victor said as Speedy walked over to the table and sat down.

Sort of ironic that someone named "Speedy" would have trouble keeping up...

"Who are you?" Terra asked.

"Speedy." He answered.



"He's our new roommate." Dick answered.

"We've got a new roommate? Since when?" Garfield asked.

"Since first period."

"Great. One more person to complain about early mornings."

"Gar, might I remind you that you're the only one who does?" the Janitor from Scrubs pointed out as he swept his broom across the linoleum tiling.

"Oh Dick...A voice said from behind him. The group turned and saw that it was none other than Camile (hence forth known as Kitten).

I don't understand why this story didn't have the self-confidence to refer to the character as Kitten from the get-go--since, after all, it was established to be her pseudonym much earlier--but hey.

"What do you want?" He answered.

"You're taking me to tomorrow night's dance right?"

"Umm...let's see. A) You have a boyfriend already, B) No and c) I hate your guts, so WHY would I take you?"

That testicle-shrinking from the last chapter seems to be settling in--Dick's talking like a teenage girl from High School Musical.

"Because I want you to. And you know, considering I can have any boy I want, your pretty lucky."

"Will you just leave us in peace Kitten?" Kori asked.

"No way ya Indian freak." Kitten replied.

How anybody with red hair can be mistaken as Indian astonishes and confounds me.

"First off all, I'm from the Middle East, and India is part of Asia."

"Like we care."

Terra's Kuwaiti blood boiled at this insult, but she took a deep breath and reminded herself not to blow her cover.

"KITTEN. GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL-." Raven started to say.

"Yeah, I'm not taking you to the dance. I don't like you. I never have and I never will. Now will you leave so we can eat our lunch?" Dick said. Kitten shot a mean glare at Raven and Kori, but fortunately for our main characters, she walked away.

"Thanks for handing me your testicles under the table, Vic," Dick said with a smile. "You mind if I keep 'em for a little bit?"

"What the hell was that all about?" Bee asked.

"And what's with the name Kitten? I thought her name was Camile." Speedy asked.

Sorry Speedy--you weren't there when this was all explained, so you get to go without.

"She's the top of the social pyramid. Most popular girl in school. And Kitten is also a demon in teenage form." Garfield said.

Why is it that these kids label anybody they don't like as a "demon?" Were they all raised by Pat Robertson?

"Okay and what was with that whole thing with Dick?"

"She's had a major crush on him since like, forever, and won't leave him in peace. But as he said, he hates her guts."

Which Speedy could have figured out for himself if he had any higher brain functions whatsoever.

"I wonder why. The girl looks and acts like an idiot. And that's using nice language." Bee said. "And doesn't she have a boyfriend?"

"She's a story in herself."

The daughter of Irish-American immigrants, Kitten got her nickname from the copious number of cats that her PTSD-stricken mother owned. Kitten's father, a Catholic dock worker, was killed in Ireland during The Troubles, and her mother--six months pregnant with Kitten--was violently ravished by Protestant militants and left for dead afterward. She survived by feeding off the carcass of the family cat, Saint Francis, and, guilt-ridden over eating a beloved family friend, adopted each and every cat she ever came across after traveling to the United States.

"We'll tell you later." Raven said.

"Speaking of the dance, does anyone have a date?"

"No." The group answered together.

They were planning to just have a great big orgy instead.

"Wait, so Dick isn't going with Kori?" Terra whispered to Beastboy.

"What was that Terra?" Raven asked.

"I said, isn't Dick going with Kori?"

"Umm...I've got to get something from my room..." Kori said as she quickly got up and left the dining hall.

Kori: God, I hope I remembered to buy ammo. Well, I can always just pistol-whip Terra with it.

"You said that why?" Dick asked.

"Aww come on, we know that you know that she knows that you know that we know that she knows that you know." Garfield said.

He paused, and then his head exploded.

"Can you actually makes sense?" Victor asked.

"We all know that they like each other. DUH." Terra said.

"Oh that? Yeah, the whole school knows that." Raven said.

"Even I can tell, and I just got here." Bee said.

"Same here." Speedy said.

Ah, so Speedy is capable of picking up on SOME social cues!

"I told you that." Victor whispered to him.

"Okay, so I had help."

Whoops, spoke too soon.

"But the point is, everyone who walks into this school pretty much knows." Raven said.

"Are you crazy?" Dick asked.

"Last time I checked, no." Garfield said.

"And he checked yesterday!" Terra teased.

A gunshot cut through the air, the back of Terra's head exploded, and she fell face-first into her lunch (lamb shanks with potatoes au gratin, courtesy that bastard Mr. Wilson). At the entrance of the cafeteria stood Kori, and in her hand was a .500 Magnum--the largest and most powerful revolver in the world.

"Looks like I remembered!" Kori chirped cheerfully.

"Terra! You promised not to tell!"

"Dick, none of us are crazy. But you are if you're still in denial." Raven

"In denial about what?" Dick asked.

"That's it. I give up. The guy is hopeless." Victor said.

Words spoken by anybody who has ever tried to reason with Dakari-King Mykan.

"So none of us have dates?" Terra asked.

"I'm telling you! Bee should go with Victor! It'd be funny!" Garfield said.

Because they're both black, you see! It'll be hilarious to see two people of the same ethnicity go to a dance together! Almost as funny as Kangaroo Jack!

"I am-" But before Bee could protest, someone started speaking into the P.A. system.

"God what does that mental vice priniciple want now?" Victor said.

Priniciple!

"A) How do you know it's the vice priniciple and B) Who is the vice prinicipal." Bee asked.

"The vice prinicipal is the only one who uses the P.A. system." Garfield said.

Good to know somebody at that school browses Project AFTER.

"And who exactly is the vice-prinicipal?"

"When he got the job here, he just told us to call him Mr. C.. No one knows what it stands for.

A mysterious, withdrawn man who refuses to divulge his full name? What a perfect candidate for a school administrator who will no doubt interact often with school-aged children!

He's weirder than Mr. Wilson. A lot stupider actually. Only does what Wilson tells him to. Bit of blockhead if you ask me." Terra said.

"So what's the big messege?" Laurence Fishburne asked.

As if on cue, the voice on the P.A. system said, "And because of that, the Fall Dance will be reschedualed until Saturday."

Because of what?! Goddammit, you punk-ass kids, because of you I missed out on what happened to cancel the Fall Dance!

"Well that seemed pointless." Raven muttered.

"Why's the dance post-poned?" Terra asked.

"Why does it matter? None of us have dates."

"Now back to our original conversation. Why don't Bee and Victor go together." Garfield said, unleashing yet another arguement.

Arguement!

"FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT GOING WITH HIM! HE'S OVERLY OBSESSED WITH CARS AND SPORTS!"

And that makes him completely repulsive to the opposite sex!

"And don't forget technology. He's good at that too." Garfield said.

"He knows so much about him, we might as well call him Cyborg." Dick said.

Author: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, omigawsh that's BRILLIANT! I'm going to get sooooo many reviews...!

"WELL I AM NOT GOING WITH A GUY WHO CAN BE NICKNAMED CYBORG!" Bee said.

Robocop, crestfallen, kicked his table away from him and fell into Gray Fox' arms as the two began to sob.

"Well I wouldn't want to go with a girl who comes to her first day of school looking like a bumblebee." cough i mean Victor complained.

That was intriguing. Did the author actually type out her cough?

"You think I can't look good with my style?"

"No. Not even if you get dressed up for the dance could you look good with your style."

"Is that a bet?"

"Yeah!"

"Why would I bother going if I don't have a date?" Bee challenged.

For the atmosphere? The snacks? The hope of scoring a one-night stand? All of the above?

"Well then go with me!"

"Fine!" Bee said.

"HAH! I knew you'd get together!" Garfield started laughing.

"What's wrong with going with someone?" Terra challenged, standing up.

Are they all going to have a Battle Royale-style shoot-out?

"Heh-nevermind." Garfield laughed nervously.

"Well that's two people, but the rest of us don't have dates."

"So why do you think that the dance has been postponed?" Kori asked as she sat back down at the table.

You'd have known if you'd shut your dumbass mouths for fifteen seconds, you teleporting whore!

"I can't figure it out. Maybe the principal and the vice are plotting against us. Maybe they're just going to keep postponing it." Victor said.

"Wouldn't surprise me." Dick replied.

"At least we have all of Saturday to prepare." Terra pointed out.

"You maybe. I'm not going." Raven said.

She's going to stay in her room, lizzin 2 GC an kut hurself.

"What? No one's asked you?" Garfield asked.

"No. Like they would. It's Kori who's getting invites left and right."

"I dunno bout that..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing...nevermind."

"Hey do you know what time the caf closes?" Terra asked.

I just love stories with no plot, no storyline and no visible action or anything interesting to grab my attention. Don't you?

"Around 8 why?" Kori answered.

"You'll find out."

Terra fingered the detonator on her suicide vest as she practiced saying "Allah Akbar" in her mind.

That night, Bee, Kori, Raven, and Terra were sitting in the middle of the room, pillows and blankets everywhere, planning an all nighter. For what one may ask? Gossip of course.

Gossip or a lesbian orgy. Both seem possible.

"I can't believe you managed to sneak this outta the kitchen." Bee said as she put a spoonful of heroin crack in her mouth hypodermic needle. Terra had went into the school's freezer and taken about 4 or 5 pints of chocolate ice-cream.

Nothing says "fuck me" like gaseous, bloated, diabetic teenage girls!

"It was easy. I do it whenever we wanna pull an all-nighter." Terra answered.

"So, Raven tells me that you're going to the dance with Victor. How did that happen? I thought you disagreed with him on many things severely." Kori asked.

"Oh we do. It's a bet. He thinks that with my bee style, I can't look good dressed up. Of course, I had to prove him wrong."

Bee: I'll wear a sequined outfit made entirely from hornets!

"Guys think they know everything."

"It's pretty pitiful isn't it?" Raven said with a smirk.

Laugh while you can--that ice cream is going to wreak havoc on your digestive tract, and you're all going to be crammed into a single stall peeing out of your asses while the boys, who had the good sense to not gorge on frozen treats, will be out inventing nuclear fission and rudimentary airplanes.

"Speaking of pitiful boys, what's up with you and Garfield?" Bee asked Terra.

"Long story." Terra said.

"When she came to this school-" Kori started to say.

"When Terra came here to this school, she instantly joined with our group of friends. She just likes to tease him for her enjoyment." Raven explained quickly.

The author seems to be confusing Terra and Raven's characters...

"But it's so funny!" Terra said.

"He's scared of you. How is that funny?" Raven asked.

"It just is!" Terra giggled.

Terra (short for Terrorist, it turns out--the perfect alias for Khalid Shaikh Muhammad) revels in the fear she spreads.

"It really is pretty funny." Bee agreed.

"You know what I think the question is? I don't think it's what's up with me and Garfield, I think the question is, what's up with Raven and Garfield."

"And what," asked Jerry Seinfeld, stepping into the room as a guitar's strings twanged on the soundtrack, "is up with boarding schools? I mean, I don't see a single loose board anywhere, do you? That's a bit of a misnomer."

"What are you talking about?" Raven said hesitantly.

"Oh come on! Don't tell me you can't tell that he's wanted to ask you to the dance since like, forever."

"Then why hasn't he?"

"He's shy! Even I can tell that!" Kori insisted.

All the men in this story are sackless.

"Speaking of shy, let's talk about you Kori." Raven said, taking the pressure off of her.

Inevitably, the pressure will return in the form of a pint and a half of rocky road bloating her midsection like there's no tomorrow.

"What do you mean?" Kori asked with an innocent look on her face.

"Why don't you have a date for the dance?" Bee asked.

"Yeah, you must've gotten an invitation from every boy in school!" Terra said.

"Or are you waiting for an invitation from someone, like, say, Dick." Bee teased.

"God it's so obvious you'd think they were going out." teased the Green Power Ranger as he rifled through their things looking for Power Coins.

"Or maybe they are?" Raven said with a smirk.

"Gosh no! I only wish!" Kori protested, then gasped as she realized what she had said.

"Now that wasn't so hard was it?"

"If I admitted who I like, then why can you not do the same Raven?" Kori said with the same smirk as Raven.

If I wanted to watch teenage girls gossip, I'd grab my binoculars and hit up that slumber party down the road.

"Okay that's it. You're going with Garfield if it kills us to get him to ask you." Bee insisted.

"If we get Garfield to ask her, then we'll have to get Dick to ask Kori." Terra whispered.

"Hey! I just realized something!" Kori said.

"What?" Raven asked.

"I have a gun, and the rest of you do not" she said cheerily, brandishing her Magnum. "So what say we get off the topic of who I want to boink?"

"They are insisting upon who we want to take us to the dance, and I understand Bee's reasoning, but what about Terra? She does not have a date."

"Oh that's right. You don't have a date, do you Terra?"

They all began laughing at Terra's misfortune. Unable to withstand this emotional agony, she pressed her detonator and blew the entire girls' dormitory to oblivion.

"And that, las chicas, is where you are wrong."

"You're going with someone?" Kori asked.

"Since when?" Bee asked.

"You didn't tell us earlier, why?" Raven said.

"I was waiting for tonight." Terra answered.

"So who are you going with?"

"Speedy."

"Who is Speedy?" Kori asked.

Would you fucking pay attention for five seconds, you airhead?!

"He's the boy's new roommate remember?" Terra answered.

"Oh him? When did he ask you?" Bee asked.

"Right after seventh period."

"Wow, after only one day. Why does that seem odd?" Raven asked.

"It's not odd! It's a way for me to get to know him better!" Terra insisted.

So that she can break his heart that much more effectively, no doubt.

"Su-ure ." Bee said.

"No really!"

"Now think about that feeling of being tormented everytime you loom upon Garfield." Raven said.

She...loom...what?

"Point taken. Not something I plan on doing. It's too much fun tormenting him!" Terra laughed.

Those three thoughts have nothing to do with one another! I think the author's officially clocked out.

"Now back to my original statement, boys are pitiful." Raven said.

"And ignorant!" Kori said.

"Don't forget fun to torment!" Terra said.

"And chauvanistic." Bee said.

"And clueless..." Kori said.

So the girls continued bashing boy-kind and then continued gossiping.

Oblivious to the fact that the entire Supreme Court, who were listening in via a bug that they'd planted on Raven during one of her frequent excursions to the STD clinic, decided right then and there to declare the Nineteenth Amendment unconstitutional.

They didn't manage to stay up all night, but rather, they fell asleep around five. Blame the sugar high. They were hyper, and then they crashed. But the next day, Bee and Terra planned to start the plan to get Raven and Kori the right dates to the dance, if you know what I mean.

I sure hope it involves more idle conversation, chit-chatting, and plotless non-intrigue! Boy howdy, that'd be keen!

I half expected a "I can turn darkness...INTO HALLOWED LIGHT!" joke.

My god, even MY teenage life was more exciting than this! And I had no friends and never attended any school events. But then, this was back when my brother still lived with me.

If the school is like, mostly orphans, then why is Bee here if she has a father?

God, I couldn't get past the part with Raven's notebook.

Because every school needs at least two token black kids so that their skin matches.

Man, I never realized being normal was so BORING.

Are you guys ready for a wild and wacky, hijinks-filled romantic comedy chapter? You sure as shit better be, because I did NOT sit through this colonic of a chapter so that nobody could fucking read it!

****

Chapter 3: Operation G.U.A.D.D.: Get. Us. All. Dance. Dates.

Original Japanese Title: "Make Me Over!!!" An Insurmountable Battle!

Stealing gags from Kids Next Door is only going to push you even farther out of my good graces, story.

The girls woke up somewhat groggily the next morning.

The first thing they all noticed was the unpleasant odor emanating from their behinds. The next was the odd, squishy sensation that accompanied their sitting up.

Raven looked at her alarm clock, and saw that it said 10:00 PM.

Good lord. When these girls oversleep, they fuckin' oversleep.

"DAMMET! IT'S 10:00!" Raven said.

Dammet!

"Girl, it's Saturday...go back to sleep..." Bee mumbled groggily.

"Right! Saturday! Bee get up!" Terra said.

"What? Oh yeah!" Bee said as she got up.

Don't Muslims have to pray far, far earlier than 10:00 PM? For a fundamentalist Islamic jihadist, Terra sure doesn't keep track of these things very well.

"Hey where's Kori?" Raven asked.

Almost in response, the bathroom door opened and Kori stepped out.

Of the entire group of girls, she was the only one who remembered to go to the bathroom instead of soil herself.

"How long have you been up?" Raven asked.

"Since about 8:30." Kori answered.

"How can you wake up so early?"

"I dunno..."

Memories of exploding shells and the dessicated corpses of her friends and family echoed in Kori's mind as she forced a goofy, naive grin onto her face.

They all got up and got ready. They all went down to the dining hall. It was Saturday, and the normal dining hall rules didn't apply.

Naturally, the kids could do nothing but complain about this refusal to maintain order on Saturdays.

Concidently, the four boys were also walking down to breakfast at the same time.

"I see we weren't the only people who slept late." Garfield said as they approached the girls.

"Or the only people who shat themselves," Dick added, glancing at the slightly-browned seats of the girls' pants.

"So why are you here so late?" Victor asked.

"We were up til about three." Terra answered.

"So do you think they'll postpone the dance today?" Speedy asked.

"Hopefully not." Bee said.

Idle Conversation: The Novel!

"Yeah, cuz then I'll win the bet." Victor said.

"No you won't."

"Yes I will."

"No you won't."

"Yes I will."

"Will you guys shut up?" Dick said. "It's too early on a Saturday to deal with this."

Misnomer: That implies that there's ever a proper time for this banal bullshit.

"He's right you know. Can't you agree on anything?" Raven asked.

"No." Bee and Victor said togther.

Togther!

"See? You can agree. You can agree to disagree!" Kori said.

"She sounds like a self-help guide." Victor whispered to Beastboy.

She must've been playing Final Fantasy VI this morning.

Later that day, most of the group was off doing something else.

When the girls asked why they needed a car battery, a set of jump cables and a leather bullwhip, the boys only looked at one another, flushed deeply and hauled ass out of there.

Raven was meditating in her room. It wasn't something she did often. It helped clear her mind. She never did in front of others though.

I'm getting the feeling that the author meant to use a different word than "meditating."

It was bad enough they thought she was a gothic freak. Deciding to take a break, Raven opened her eyes and started to strech. She was facing the direction of the door, when she saw a white piece of paper being pushed underneath the door.

Raven: Sideshow Bob needs to stop sending me death threats...

"Probably another late invite for Kori. I'll put it on her bed." Raven said as she walked toward the door and picked the folded paper up. To her surprise, it didn't say 'Kori' on it, like she had expected. It said 'Raven' on it. She opened it up. She read it in shock, then quickly opened the door.

Raven: It's from Ed McMahon! I may already be a winner!

"Garfield! Wait!" Raven called. He turned around and walked back.

"I-uhh-didn't know you were in there." He said nervously.

"Well I was."

Why the clouds of funny-scented smoke curling out from under the door didn't give that away is beyond me...

"Right-didn't know that..."

"Do you want my answer or not?"

"Uh-I guess."

"Yes."

Raven: Yes, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and personal savior, now stop giving me fucking Chick Tracts!

"Damn..I should have known that you...wait. YOU SAID YES? You'll go to the dance with me tonight?" He said hopefully.

"Yes."

"YEAH! OH YEAH! IT WORKED OUT!"

"Where did you get the idea to send me a note?"

Woodward and Bernstein?

"Terra convinced me to. She was annoyed that I didn't have a date. I'm telling you, she could convince me to jump off a cliff."

Gar: She HAS, in fact. I've, uh. Been in the ICU for most of the past month...

"I'll have to thank her."

"Oh yeah, and she told me what you told her last night." Garfield said with a smile.

Gar: Personally, I'd have used hydrochloric acid to dissolve the bodies, but hey. You gotta work with what you've got, I guess.

"WHAT? Where is she?"

"She's in the library. For once."

"I'll talk to you later. I've got a future geologist to fry."

"See you!" Garfield said as he and Raven went off in opposite directions.

Raven caught up with Terra just where Garfield said he would be. In the library.

For once, that bastard's information was reliable.

"Terra." Raven said.

"Raven."

"Traitor."

"Witch." Terra replied, and started laughing.

Ha ha ha it's just like in the show lol i c wut u did thar

"So what did I do this time?" Raven merely smirked. It was an inside joke between them. Raven didn't trust Terra when she first entered the group, so as a joke, whenever Raven's mad at her, she calls her a traitor. Terra knows she means no offense, and in reply, she calls her a 'witch' which is an insult only used by Kitten and her group.

Their other greeting was a firm squeeze of each other's asses, but they don't do that when there are large groups present, and there was a Stephenie Meyer book signing in the library that morning, so...

"So what did I do this time Rae?"

"You told him."

Raven: Dammet, Terra, stop ruining the ending of Citizen Kane for people!

"And I told you I'd get you a date with him."

"Do you realize that I could have killed you for that?"

The hell? Where does this story take place, the Wild West?!

"Except for one thing."

"What?"

"I already knew that he liked you. He told me ages ago."

"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?"

"Hey I didn't know that you liked him."

But you went on and on about it in the last chapter so clearly you DID know. Don't pull this shit with me; the other characters might be too stupid to see these plotholes, but I'm a cut above the rest, dagnabbit.

"True."

"And I did get you a date."

"At least know we've got one more person for our next plan." Bee said as she popped up behind Terra.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!

"What plan?" Raven asked.

"We've gotta get Kori to ask Dick to the dance."

"Or vice-versa!" Terra pointed out.

"Yeah well I think we should get Kori to ask Dick. Less traditional."

And Raven will do anyfuckingthing to strike back at A Fiddler on the Roof.

"But Kori isn't in to the whole breaking tradition like that when it comes to dating." Raven said.

"True. But how could we get Dick to ask her?" Bee asked.

Cover him in bees and tell him that they'll all sting simultaneously unless he asks her out. That's how my dad's friends got him to ask out my mom.

"Wait! I've got an idea!" Terra said as she ran out of the library.

"What do you think she's going to do?" Bee asked.

"Do you really think I want to have an attempt at figuring out what's inside her head?" Raven answered.

Maybe not you, but the DCI would certainly love to.

"Point."

About five minutes later, Terra was coming back into the library, followed by Speedy and Victor.

"Can't this wait, Terra?" Victor whined as he fondled his assless leather chaps. "That car battery wasn't cheap, y'know!

"What about Garfield?" Bee asked.

"No. I don't think I'm gonna ask him, considering I just plotted against him. Besides, the guy can't keep a secret to save his life." Terra answered.

Really cost him big during his brief stint with the Mafia. I mean, REALLY cost him.

"So what's goin on?" Victor asked.

"And why are you plotting against Garfield?" Speedy asked.

"Look. We're here to get Dick to ask Kori to the dance. Are you in or not?" Bee asked.

"Conspiring against people? I'm in." Speedy said.

It's only conspiring against someone if the conspiracy is meant to be harmful to them in some way, you stupid girl.

"Same." Victor replied.

"So what's the plan?" Bee asked.

"And how are we involved?" Speedy said.

"You'll see." Terra said with a mischeivious (did I spell that right?) smile.

Kori was in her room, lounging on her bed, just finished reading a book. She looked at the cover again. It said, 'Princess Diaries IV: Princess In Waiting'

"Such a sweet ending...too bad it's just a book. Wish something like that would happen in my life." She muttered.

Oh, well this is just fantastic. One of our author avatars is Bella Fucking Swan.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on her door. She got up, and opened the door, to find Speedy and Victor standing there. "What are you guys doing here?" She asked.

"Dick told us to tell you to meet him in the garden out front." Victor said.

"Yeah, what he said." Speedy added.

"Why doesn't he just come here himself?" Kori asked.

"I dunno." Victor replied.

"That's what he said." Speedy said.

They both thought about Dick's dessicated corpse laying in shreds in his dorm room, and giggled to themselves, knowing that phase two of their plan to slaughter all of their classmates would be even sweeter than phase one.

"Okay, when?" Kori asked.

"In about 15 minutes."

"Sure." She replied in a slightly puzzled voice.

Fifteen minutes later, Kori was sitting on a nearby bench in the garden in the front of the school. A few mintues later, Dick walked up.

Mintues!

"So, what is it?" They both said at once.

"Me? Victor and Speedy told me that you said to come here." Kori said in an even more confused voice than before.

"But Terra, Bee and Raven told me that you said to come here." Dick said.

"But why would they do that?" Kori asked.

"I dunno..."

Robin placed his corncob pipe in his mouth, puffing on it thoughtfully. "But one thing is for certain, Watson--ill business is afoot."

Nearby, Victor had a video camera and was hiding behind something, video-taping the whole thing. "This is gold.." He said.

They aren't going to get naked, Vic. Just shut the damn thing off and go home.

"I think we've been set up Kori." Dick concluded.

"Set up?" She asked.

"Yeah, I think they're trying to get us to go to the dance together."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

They both laughed. "When are they going to figure out," Kori gasped between giggles, "that we're both gayer than the steel industry?"

"That seems like a silly way to do that..."

"But why should be let their obviously well-thought out plan fail?"

"Well thought-out?!" Every hack screenwriter and junior novelist in the industry's already milked this trite-ass cliche for every halfhearted chuckle that it's worth, and you call it "well thought-out?!" These kids have lower standards than Arizona State!

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want to go to the dance?"

"Of course!" Kori said with a smile.

Kori: Not with you, of course, but it would still be nice to attend!

"You know Victor, we can see you!" Dick called out to Victor, who hurried away quickly. "Now excuse me, I've got some friends to murder."

Dick: I thought we'd seen the end to this voyeurism bullshit of his after Wilson plugged the peephole in his bathroom stall...

"Same here." Kori said as the two went in opposite directions.

"Give me the tape." Dick said as he went into his room to find Victor, Speedy and Garfield watching it on the TV in their room.

"No way! This is funny!" Garfield said.

...Is there just...nothing else to do? Are they so wanting for activities that they have to get their jollies videotaping their friends acting awkward around one another? Do something, for Chrissake! Go somewhere! Get laid! Shit, get rip-roaring plastered if you really must do something with your time!

"I said. Give me the tape."

"No way!" Victor said.

"I can't believe you did that! Where did you even get the idea to-"

"It was Terra's idea." Speedy said.

"She has more of an evil mind than Raven sometimes." Victor said

Terra makes Count Logan look like a fucking criminal mastermind.

"Sometimes?" Garfield replied.

"How did you pull it off?"

How do you think, you mentally-castrated nincompoop?!

"So we got the two of you to meet, and then we figured that somehow he'd ask you." Terra explained to Kori.

"Or catch Victor and figure out what happened." Raven pointed out.

What the--no! You can't--no! No transition! No divider! Nothing to indicate that there's been a change in scene! How am I supposed to keep up with this crap?!

"Yeah, but it worked out anyway." Bee pointed out.

"Why did you do that?" Kori asked.

"Well it got you a date didn't you?" Terra said.

"That is true. I can't believe you managed to pull if off." Kori said.

Kori: After several viewings of the chick flicks with the likes of Terra and Raven, I have been absolutely convinced that any and all attempts at courtship are doomed to be an endless series of comedic errors and uninspired writing.

"Yeah, and now we got what we wanted!" Bee pointed out.

"What's that?" Raven asked.

"Dates to the dance!" "Thirty billion dollars in cash, and the remains of Big Boss!"

"And now all we have to do is get ready." Terra said.

"You do all have outfit's right?" Raven asked.

"Uh...yeah!" Bee said.

"I've had mine for ages." Terra said.

What, you didn't know that Khalid Sheik Muhammad used to be a Playboy Bunny?

"I've got an outfit lying around somewhere." Kori said.

"Good! Then let's get ready!" Terra replied.

"Get out any make-up, curling irons, and hair accessories you have!" Terra ordered and the girls began to get ready for the dance.

And we are (mercifully) spared that montage.

This high school stuff sorta worked for X-Men Evolution (though it took me a while to warm-up to it), but not here. Why not just have characters that are loosely based off the Titans than take everything that makes them unique?

Why do they keep insisting on destroying whatever admiration I had for this show?

Oh, and "Concidently."

They insist good sir because they honestly believe making Super Heroes normal people is compelling and doesn't at all downgrade them and make it boring.

Well, The Incredibles did it. Sort of.

God, this is like Twilight with more people... and no vampires.

Twilight with no vampires is Twilight.

Click to view attachment

Well gang, the moment has finally arrived--it's time for our intrepid heroes to go to the fall dance! Who will get together? What secrets will be revealed? What sort of intrigue and drama are we, the readers, in for? The answers, in order: Nobody, nothing, and a big fat load of dogshit![/b]

***

Chapter 4: The Fall Dance

Original Japanese Title: "Dance With Me?" The Pointless And Unnecessary Chapter!

That night, around 7:45 (fifteen minutes before the dance started) the girls were finally ready. (Well girls do take forever. I should know. I take like, hours...).

You know what I love more than anything in the world? When the author breaks up her already-flimsy and difficult to stand narration to inform the reader of some meaningless part of their everyday life that they neither asked about nor cared to hear. I just can't wait until the author interrupts the story to go on a two-paragraph rant about the jungle gym being painted with lead-based paint.

"Wow! I can't believe it took us so many hours to get ready!" Kori exclaimed.

"Yeah but it was worth it! We look good!" Terra said.

"Well, compared to how we usually look. The correct term is "mildly-less repulsive."

"And now I'll win that bet!" Bee said.

Bee was dressed in a yellow halter top with black capris (sp?) and black sandals.

Oh dear God.

Her hair was put up in a bun, with two curled (thank you invention of the curling iron) pieces of hair hanging on either side of her face.

This gave her the unfortunate appearance of a Hassidic Jew.

She was wearing a little bit of gold eye-shadow. Not to much, just enought to accentuate (i love that word) her eyes and clear lip gloss (something in my opinion, no girl should be without. Or at least chapstick...but that's just me).

Hey! Guess what? Nobody cares, and that has nothing to do with the story!

She was wearing a black choker neclace, with a little tiny bee charm hanging off of it and medium-sized gold hoop earrings.

She didn't feel that she looked quite tacky enough, it seems.

"Is that all you can think about?" Raven asked.

"Yeah!"

"You mean you don't like him just a little?" Terra asked.

"No."

"I find that hard to believe." Raven said.

"Well believe it girl. I only agreed to go because I'm gonna win the bet. He thinks that with my style, I can't look good."

Bee: And dammit, he's right. Hey, the dance hasn't even started yet and I'm already near tears. New personal best!

"And you certainly proved him wrong."

"Too bad we didn't bet money." Raven said.

"We all look good!" Terra said.

Terra was wearing a camaflouge style tank top,

Old habits are hard to break, after all.

a jean jacket, jeans, and brown boots. Her hair was done in a loose braid. She really didn't like make-up,

Except for her camo facepaint. A girl's gotta coordinate.

but let the girls put a little bit of eyeliner and mascara. She was wearing long dangling earrings, with a small blue butterfly at the end of each earring.

"Terra what's with the butterfly earrings?" Raven asked.

"Yes, they do not seem like your style." Kori said.

"I've had them forever. My grandmother gave them to ages ago."

"Whatever." Raven said.

Hey, you asked, bitch.

Raven was wearing wearing black pants with a black tank top (you know, like the one Starfire normally wears, that's really more like half a tank top?)

They have a term for that. It's called a fucking halter, you ignorant toerag.

with black boots. She wasn't really into the whole 'dressing-up' thing.

Hell, if she had her way she'd be running up and down the school in her birthday suit. Her roomies literally had to hold her down and force clothes onto her in the morning.

"I think they are very nice!" Kori said.

Kori was wearing a pleated jean skirt with a long sleeved light purple top and purple ballet flats. The girls had used the curling iron to not curl her hair, but give it more of a wavy look, and then she had pulled her hair back with a light purple star clip that matched her outfit.

I remember how, at the end of the last chapter, I was so relieved to find that we were spared the makeover montage that usually accompanies scenes like this. If I'd known then that we were still going to be forced to sit through the aftermath of that montage, I likely would have killed myself then and there.

She had used pale pink eye shadow, mascara, and pink lip gloss. She was wearing amythest stud earrings.

Well, at least she didn't spell it "amnifist."

"You would."

"C'mon, let's go to the dance, we'll have the boys meet us there." Terra said.

They're not even officially paired yet, and the girls have already got them whipped.

Around 8:15, the boys showed up at the school's (very big) gym, which was decorated for the dance.

Unfortunately, they'd gotten Serena to do the decreations. All were aghast at the sight of her family's mangled corpses suspended from the ceiling.

"And you're late why?" Raven asked.

"Didn't the dance start at 8:15?" Speedy asked.

"It started at 8:00. Duh!" Terra said..

"It looks like you los the bet Victor." Garfield said.

Actually, since fashion and beauty are both very relative things, Victor will only lose the bet if he concedes that Bee looks like anything except a crack whore in a blaxploitation film.

"Yeah, don't remind me." Victor complained.

Victor officially has the brain capacity of a toenail.

"I think I will. I told you I could. Ha ha ha." Bee mocked.

"Well how was I supposed to know that someone could look good if they dress like a bumblebee?"

Looks like SOMEBODY's going to be paying a visit to Anthrocon this year.

"What is wrong with that?"

"Who dresses like a bee?"

"I do!"

So do disturbed gay men in their thirties. Think about the company that you're putting yourself in.

"Can't you guys go five minutes with out fighting?" Dick said.

"Maybe if they start dancing they'd shut up." Raven asked.

Bee: Ow! You dumb piece of shit, you keep stomping on my toes!
Vic: Well it's a little hard to see, since you've covered my entire body with deadly hornets!

"Possibly. But who knows?." Garfield said.

"How about we dance?" Kori suggested.

"Sounds like a good idea to me." Terra said.

About half-way through the dance, nothing had happened. Nothing. And at this school, it was odd for nothing to happen.

Hell, four drive-by shootings, a brutal knifing and the filming of the third film in the Batman trilogy on the school grounds just barely constitutes a slow day.

Very courteous of the story to inform us that nothing was happening, by the way. It's like, I sort of guessed that I had boredom coming out my ass, but without the story's confirmation that there was, indeed, nothing noteworthy to read about, and that by extension I was wasting my time on this tripe, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it!

"Okay this is weird." Terra said. The group wasn't dancing anymore, but talking on the side of the room.

"What? That Bee and Victor aren't fighting?" Garfield said.

"Yeah that's not weird Terra, that's a miracle." Raven pointed out.

"True." Kori agreed.

"No! Not that!"

Terra: I spiked the punch with LSD an hour ago, but this place is as sober as Salt Lake City!

"What could possibly be weird? Nothing's happening." Dick said.

"Exactly. Since when has nothing happened here?"

Well, the last three chapters, for instance...

"Even Kitten-I mean Camile hasn't bothered us. Something must be wrong." Victor pointed out.

"Camile? That slut from yesterday?" Bee asked.

"Yeah."

"So I see that you all paired up for the dance." A voice said. The group turned and saw that Camile and her group was walkign toward them.

The boys behind her hunched over and began snapping their fingers rhythmically.

I thought the story was going to start referring to her as Kitten. Man, I can't take anything this shit says at face-value.

"We spoke to soon." Dick said in a dull tone.

"Sooo do you want to dance with me on the next slow song Dick?" Camile asked.

"No."

"You must not have heard me right. Of course you'd want to dance with me."

Camile: Or did you not notice that we were all carrying automatic rifles?

"No I don't."

"But I want you to. You know you want to too!"

"Kitten, he does not want to dance with you. Now leave us alone." Kori said.

"Stay out of this." Mandy said.

"Well if stay out of this, you should too."

"It's none of your business."

Since this story, once again, has tactfully neglected to inform the reader who's talking, I'm going to assume that this is a confrontation between Billy Mays and the bad guy from Tron.

"Well it's none of yours."

"And I thought it was bad when Victor fought with Bee? You should see these two go. They're related you know." Terra whispered to Speedy.

"Really? They do look similar." Speedy replied.

Orphans--especially orphans of indeterminate origin, who only know that they came from a hotbed of military action and societal upheaval and have no other family members to speak of besides one another--are also very well-known for ignoring familial bonds and trying to strangle one another at a moment's provocation.

"Stay out of it!" Mandy said.

"No!" Kori replied.

"Yes!"

"This is getting ridiculous." Garfield said.

Garfield: I'm gonna go be in that Joey Buttafuoco guy's story. Anything's gotta be better than this.

"STOP!" Raven yelled.

"Why should we? This has nothing to do with you." Camile said. "So Dick, are you going to dance with me?"

"No. Kori's my date, and I'm going to dance with her."

And we're back to square one. If someone doesn't start bleeding in the next fifteen seconds, I'm going to be very grumpy.

"Oh you don't really dance with her do you?"

"For the last time Camile. Yes, I want to dance with her. And no, I am not dancing with you."

I've read the word "dance" so many times in the past five seconds that it's lost all meaning to me!

"Hey Kitten, if you're so popular, where's your boyfriend?" Bee asked.

Probably trying to cajole Dick into dancing with him, too.

"It-it's none of your business."

"Last time I saw him, he was outside with, what's her name again? Oh yeah-"

Bristol Palin.

She gets around.

"Shut it! You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Su-ure we don't." Dick said.

He patted his chest. "Sorry, hiccups."

Aggravated, Camile and her 'friends' left.

Well, that was beautifully pointless.

"Took them long enough." Speedy muttered.

"I knew things wouldn't stay quiet for long." Raven agreed.

So "halfway through the school dance" doesn't qualify as "staying quiet for long," does it?

"Hey a slow song! Terra do you want to dance?" Speedy asked.

"Sure!" Terra replied, and the two went off on to the dance floor.

"Kori?" Dick said.

"Yes, I'd like to dance with you." Kori answered, and those two also went off to the dance floor.

"Umm...Raven..do you think that you'd like to-you know..-" Garfield started to ask.

"Dance?" Raven suggested.

Gar: Well, I was going to say "fuck like jackrabbits," but you're right--baby steps.

"Uh..yeah dance! Do you want to dance?"

"Sure. C'mon." Raven said as she half-dragged the stunned Garfield on to the dance floor.

"Umm...Bee?" Victor asked.

"What?" She snapped.

"Nevermind if you're going to be rude about it."

"No seriously, what?"

"Well, since everyone is dancing I thought-"

"You thought that we could dance together."

Vic: Actually, I was hoping we could ditch this scene and get high.

"Yeah."

"Sure, why not? Not like I've got anything better to do." Bee said as they to went onto the dance floor.

After the actual dance (the event, not the song) was over, the group gathered outside.

It was now time for the ritual two-minute's hate of that son of a bitch Wilson for putting together a kickass fall dance. Curse you, Wilson, and your impeccable array of snacks and treats, your impressive arrangement of colored lights and, most grievous of all, your well-polished multi-faceted mirror ball!

"Well that was better than I expected." Garfield said.

"What did you expect?" Raven asked.

A monotonous chapter of forced tension and flat chemistry where nothing of consequence happens and the narration itself even admits that there's nothing worth reading about in it.

"Well, for one thing, I didn't expect you to agree to go to the dance with me and for another, I didn't think that you would dance with me when I asked."

"But isn't that the point of going to the dance with someone? To dance with them?"

Actually, it's to support the wall and hit the booze for three hours while letting your insecurities and social anxiety sabotage whatever chance at human interaction you may have had.

"Yeah, but you don't seem like the type who-"

"The type who dances? Yeah, I normally don't. But I made an exception."

"So I'm an exception?"

To Darwin's law of natural selection.

"Pretty much."

"Cool!" Garfield exclaimed and Raven gave him an odd, but amused look.

"Never knew a girl who dressed like a bumblebee could dance so well." Victor said to Bee.

In other news, Bee dresses like a bumblebee. In case you haven't gotten it yet, here comes the author with a giant mallet emblazoned with "Bee dresses like a bumblebee" in neon-pink bold-faced lettering. She will bludgeon you with it while R. Lee Ermy leaves several insulting, massively-profane voicemails on your phone that all amount to "Bee dresses like a bumblebee." And if you don't get it after that, then God help you.

"Well I didn't know that a technology, car, sport-obsessed guy could dance so well." Bee replied.

I guess being fond of those things...impairs your ability to move rhythmically.

"Well I do-"

"Or lose a bet so easily."

"Hey! How was I supposed to know!"

"Relax, I'm joking."

Vic: Well I'm not! *PIMPSLAP*

"Right. Yeah."

"Interesting crack you made about Camile's boyfriend."

"Yes! Where did you come up with that?" Kori asked.

"I didn't come up with it, I saw it." Victor replied.

"Really? You saw Camile's boyfriend going off with someone else? Who?" Garfield asked, joining the conversation.

It took him quite a bit of doing, but he was eventually able to separate his face from Raven's long enough to get off that one question.

"It was true? You really did see her boyfriends go off with someone else?" Terra asked as she to joined the conversation, now everyone was in it.

"Yeah, who was it and how can I thank them? At least it made her go away." Dick said.

"That's true." Raven said.

"So who was it?" Garfield asked.

Man, all this build-up and question-dodging had better lead somewhere fuckin' awesome...

"I don't know who it was, it was another one of Camile's cronies though."

YOU SHITMONKEY.

"Turning against Camile. Smartest thing the girl's probably ever done." Speedy says.

"Wait, don't you have that football game tomorrow?" Bee asked.

"Yeah, so?" Victor asked.

"I dunno...I was just mentioning it." Bee said.

I love irrelevant tangents!

"Ookay...now on to other topics...I'm going back to the room. I'm tired." Terra said.

"That's because you've been dancing for like five hours straight." Raven pointed out. "But you know, you have a point about it. I'm kind of tired."

"Same here! I'm going to bed." Kori agreed.

"G'night girls! We'll see you tomorrow!" Victor said.

"No you won't! You've gotta get up early for practice." Garfield reminded him.

I'm not sure why the story keeps taking the trouble to point out that Vic is a member of the football team. I'd say that it's because the author is going to include a football game in this story, but she probably has as much knowledge of that as I do of string theory.

"Dammet I forgot! I've gotta wake up at 6:45 on Sunday! I need sleep!" Victor said as he raced toward the boys dorms.

"Does he always do that?" Speedy asked.

"Pretty much." Dick said.

"That's pitiful." Raven said.

"And ignorant!" Kori said.

"And fun to torment!" Terra said.

"And chauvanistic!" Bee added.

"And clueless!" Kori added, and the girls burst out laughing.

Callbacks to previous chapters only work if they make sense.

"Are you following any of this?" Garfield asked.

"No." Speedy said.

"I think it's a girl thing." Dick said.

"Just slowly back away..." Garfield said.

Oh my God, I've figured it out. This story--it's Lucky Star. It's an adaptation of fucking Lucky Star using characters and situations from Teen Titans. It's just a gaggle of annoying teenagers standing around in a circle and making observations and remarks about things and people for thirty fucking minutes, twenty-nine times in succession. That's what this shit is. I'm simultaneously happy to have made the realization and infinitely angry with myself for choosing to read this drivel.

"Let's just get back to the dorms." Dick said.

"Do you think we scared them?" Terra asked.

"Probably." Raven said.

"Cool!"

"Why do you take such amusment out of tortureing people?" Bee asked.

"Who, me?" Ocelot asked, twirling his gun idly. "Man's got to keep busy, I suppose."

And, in a rare twofer--Amusment! Tortureing!

"I dunno..it's fun!" Terra said.

"We will not pull an 'all-nighter' tonight. I have been up for 16 hours on only five hours of sleep. I am really tired." Kori said as she yawned.

"Yeah but it was worth is!" Terra said.

"And we got Raven and Kori dates!" Bee said. "And you guys had fun didn't you?"

"I guess so." Raven said.

Bee slammed the back of her fist across Raven's mouth. "Didn't you?!" she repeated in a harsh, almost feral roar.

"Of course!" Kori said.

"Now why can't you have a more positive reaction like Kori?" Terra teased.

"Don't push it." Raven said.

Raven: Don't make me bitchy. You won't like me when I'm bitchy.

"I cannot wait til the next dance!" Kori said

"Hey I've got a question." Bee asked as they got into their room.

"What?" Raven asked.

"When's the next dance?"

"Sometime in December I think." Terra answered.

Oh bliss. Another six or so chapters, and this whole thing starts over again.

"And what's today's date?"

"Today is October 16th."

"So that is...let me see...a little bit over a month and a half." Kori deducted.

"I'll remember to make a calender." Raven said sarcastically.

It'll be a swimsuit calender. Featuring Christian Weston Chandler.

"Good idea!"

"Does Kori even know that Raven were being sarcastic?" Bee whispered to Terra.

"She does it all the time." Terra whispered back.

"So what time is the football game?" Bee asked.

"Aw...you want to go and support your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend!"

Bee: He's just a well-built black kid who happens to be of the same ethnicity as me and who I clash with frequen--yeah, okay, I guess he's kind of my boyfriend.

"Su-ure." Raven said.

She coughed. "Dammet Robin, did you give me your hiccups?!"

"No really! He's not!" Bee protested.

"You fight more than Garfield and Raven did. And look at them." Terra pointed out.

"Hey!"

"If you like teasing Garfield that much, tell him that tomorrow." Raven said.

"I like the way you think. That's a decent idea."

"Can't anyone tell when I'm sarcastic anymore?"

"Obviously not!" Bee said.

This chapter should have ended a dozen paragraphs ago, and yet, like a tick latched onto the left buttock of Western literature, it continues to grow...

"I gotta write that down...so I'll be reminded in the morning!" Terra said. "Anyone got paper?"

"Here you go." Raven said as she ripped a blank sheet out of her nearby notebook.

Raven: I WAS going to use it to write my new fanfic, but I guess I can just get a new notebook, or something. It's going to be about a gothic vampire who goes to Hogwarts and falls in love with Draco Malfoy!

"Thanks!" Terra said as she picked up a nearby pen and started scribbling on it.

"Don't forget to set your alarms! The game starts at 9:30!" Bee said.

"You just want to be there for your boyfriend!" Terra said.

"I'll argue that later. G'night." Bee said as she turned off her lamp. The others did the same, and after Terra had finished writing whatever she was doing down,

Probably sketching a floorplan of the administrative building for use in a future operation.

she and the others went to bed.

And if they die in their sleep, it'll be four fucking chapters too late.

Goddamn, you're right. It is just like Lucky Star. Goddamn...

I only wish they would spend their time talking about how they prepare and eat food rather than these shitty relationships.

Whoever wrote this story should have his junk bitten off by fire ants.

this is boring me to tears...............


also,

"Does Kori even know that Raven were being sarcastic?" Bee whispered to Terra.

did i miss something? are there two Ravens now?...am i acually trying to make sense of this?!?!!?

I have a question: Why does Teen Titans always have the shittiest fanfics. Think about it.

1) Anything by You-Know-Who

2) Normal Teenage Life

3) That Rape fic you mocked before this one

4) That Rape fic I am planning on mocking soon (Solitude by Fantasy Mind 93)

Is it really that hard to make at least a tolerable TT fic?

I am liking this mock.

Haha, then clearly you don't know jack shit about DBZ fanfiction. Hint: There is no fighting.

None that's written well, anyway.

Like Clash of Champions where Trunks raped Sailor Mars with his knee.

The fuck is wrong with fandom?

Seriously, the fuck is wrong? I first hear about a story where a raptor rapes a dude at Jurassic Park, then I hear about a scat Tifa/Cloud fic and now this? Why do these people think we want to hear about their weird ass fetishes?

He didn't actually rape her, he just kneed her in the crotch. But I guess that's close enough.

I'd like to make a correction: When the author interrupts the story to point out that someone's shirt is similar to Starfire's "half tank top," and I angrily told the author that it was called a fucking halter top, I was wrong. That's not what a halter top is. I would apologize for this error, but I know in my heart that this story will fuck up thirty ways from next Sunday before it's over, and why should I apologize for screwing up once when the author never did for screwing up eighty thousand times per chapter?

SUPER SAIYAN CUNT PUNT!

But seriously, why would they make such crap, besides for us to mock.

Well gang, looks like I was partially wrong. We do indeed get to sit through a football chapter, except there's no actual football going on. So we only get a tiny taste of the author's pure ignorance on every subject besides mediocre teenage romance fiction. All for the best, I say.

***

Chapter 5: Washington Co-Ed Boarding School

Original Japanese Title: "Good Riddance, Victor!!!" Treachery On The Football Field!

Victor slammed his hand on his alarm clock to shut off his radio alarm.

[b]His steroid-enhanced physical strength crushed it like a grape.

"6:45? This is too early...stupid football game..stupid clock radio..." He muttered as he got up.

I don't recall anybody forcing you to join the football team. This is probably a byproduct of the female author believing that because she complains about everything she is a part of, everybody else in the world must do the exact same thing.

"Did you have to make it so early? And so loud? You're stupid alarm clock woke me up!" Garfield mumbled.

"Are you even up?" Victor mumbled.

"Yeah-course I-" Garfield said as he fell asleep.

Oh Garfield, you and your narcolepsy.

"Garfield? Gar?" Victor said as he waved his hand in front of his face. He didn't flinch, indicating that he was really asleep.

Or dead. He DID pass out pretty quickly. I don't think that's at all healthy.

"Didn't expect you to really be up. Ya don't function until at least 8:00 do you?"

"Hmm? Yeah 8:00...function..." Garfield mumbled in his sleep.

"He talks in his sleep too. Wow, I didn't need to know that."

Victor, because he lacks a brain stem, cannot imagine all the fun and wonderful things you can do with someone who talks in their sleep.

"Better get ready. I've gotta be on the field by 8:00." He said to himself.

Around 8:30, the girl's alarms rang almost together at once. It would have sounded the same, considering that they were all turned to the radio for alarm. Except of course, for the fact that they were all on different stations. It was a mix of pop (Kori's alarm), rock (Terra's alarm), punk (Raven's alarm), and R&B (Bee's alarm) all at once.

In case you'd forgotten just which stereotypes our cast was representing, the story goes out of its way to remind you.

"What's that noise?" Bee mumbled as she got up.

"I think it's all our alarm clocks mixed together." Raven said as she shut her's off.

I love how these kids have all been rooming together for, like, months on end, and they're only just now noticing the cacophony their alarm clocks make.

"Shut the alarm off! Make it go away..." Terra mumbled, as she slammed her hand on the clock, shutting the alarm off, Kori did the same.

Their alarm clocks exploded into tiny plastic fragments. They, too, were juiced to the extreme.

"Bee shut it off! We're up now!" Raven said.

"Aww! But I like Beyonce!" Bee protested.

Since the author no doubt realized just how hard she was beating the readers over the head with "BEE DRESSES LIKE A BUMBLEBEE," we are now going to be treated to the equally-tiresome "BEE IS BLACK" routine.

"It's too early to listen to music."

...Buh?

"We gotta wake Terra up somehow!" Bee said as she cranked up the volume.

"Okay..okay! I'll get up! Just turn it down!" She yelled as she got up and Bee turned off the alarm.

"We have got to pick a set station for our radios. I do not want to wake up to that every morning." Terra said.

...But you've been waking up to it every morning since school began. What is wrong with you people?!

"Why don't we just alternate?" Kori suggested.

"Or, how about we just pick one." Raven said.

Or, how about you shut the fuck up and do something interesting?

"Can we decide on a radio station later?" Bee complained.

"I get first shower!" Terra said as she ran into the bathroom.

"Dammet! I knew I should have gone in!" Raven said.

Hey, nothing's stopping you from showering together. You're in California. Social norms are looser.

"Is it like this every morning?" Bee asked.

"Pretty much."

"Does she get the first shower every morning?"

"Most of the time." Kori answered.

Kori: People who beat Terra to the shower have an unfortunate tendency to...disappear.

"Great. It could be worse. I could share a room with Camile."

"True. But I doubt there's a chance of that. She doesn't let anyone in her room and refueses to share it with anyone."

I'm sure that goes over very well at the boarding school.

"Doesn't the principal do anything about it?"

"You mean Wilson?" Raven asked.

"Since he is the principal I think I mean him. So, uh..yeah." Bee said.

"Wilson? Do something about Camile?"

"Yeah."

Kori and Raven burst out laughing.

It's probably gonna get harder and harder to hold Wilson on a pedestal from here on out, since the story's going to lean more on real, rather than imagined, offenses, so I'll probably shift focus to how retardedly the author is trying to characterize Wilson as a do-nothing evil bastard.

"What's so funny?" Bee asked.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of!" Raven said.

Raven: Besides a high school fanfic based on a popular children's superhero cartoon. Now THAT is a doozy.

"It's utterly impossible! I believe you are familiar with the phrase, teacher's pet?" Kori asked as she stopped laughing.

She has her own collar and everything.

"Okay. AND?"

"Camile is what you call a principal's pet."

"Wait correct what I said." Raven commented.

"When you said what?" Bee asked.

"When I said that it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"I take it this involves something Gar said, correct?" Kori said.

"Of course."

Gar: If evolution was REAL, then how come monkeys didn't turn into humans in the zoo? Check-MATE, atheist scum!

Later that morning, around 9:30, Bee, Kori, Raven, and Terra met up with Dick, Garfield, and Speedy by the football field.

"So where's Victor?" Bee asked.

"Practicing. He's on the field. Number 4." Raven said.

Oh, and he wears Brett Favre's number. That's sure to make me hate him even more.

"He's not out there."

"Well he should be. Where is he?"

Just then, Victor emerged from the tunnel, a pair of fresh-pressed towels slung over his shoulders. He handed them off to the quarterback, eyes glowing with hero worship and joy at being included in some small fashion.

"Hey guys." A gloomy voice said from behind them.

"Victor? What are you doing here?" Bee asked.

Well, gee, I would assume he's ATTENDING FOOTBALL PRACTICE.

"Yes, should you not be practicing?" Kori asked.

"I can't." He replied.

"Why?" Raven asked.

Vic: I'm too busy playing with this cup and ball. Whooo!!! Whoooooooo!!!

"What happened?" Dick asked.

"I got into trouble." Victor said.

"What did you do? The only thing we ever do is skip classes!" Garfield said.

"I got into a fight with this obnoxious kid from Washington."

Vic: But to be fair--c'mon! The guy sparkles in the sunlight! He's just ASKIN' to get his ass kicked!

"How big was he?" Speedy asked.

"You don't want to know."

"I see the all-star quarter back can't play! Ha ha!" A voice said from behind Victor.

Victor turned and saw him, "Oh right. Yeah. No thanks to you Zach."

"Zach? Who's Zach?" Bee asked.

That's Zach. Man, pay attention.

"I'm Zach ya stupid bumblebee." Zack said as he moved out of the view of Cyborg.

Oh, by the way--BEE DRESSES LIKE A BUMBLEBEE.

"A) Don't call me a bumblee

He didn't, he called you a Bumblebee.

Bumblee!

and B) Victor, how did you get into a fight with this shrimp? How old are you anyway? You can't be our age." Bee complained.

"I'm the same age as you so don't rub it in!"

We haven't actually gotten a physical description of Zach, or any information about him, so I'm just going to assume that he's a formless entity of pure energy.

"How in the world did you get into a fight with this shrimp? What did he do? Kick your ankles?"

"I've got a bad temper and he insulted me."

"Gizmo what are you doing? Why are you talking to these Jefferson freaks?" A girl said walking up to the group.

Oh no, a gang of Presidential enthusiasts! These guys are hardcore about their love for James Monroe, and they'll take down anybody who adheres to a different executive.

"Gizmo? I thought his name was Zach?"

"Everyone who goes to our school calls him gizmo cuz the guys invented like, over a hundred different things."

Including, but not limited to, toilet paper, peanut butter, the internal combustion engine and warp drive.

"And who are you supposed to be?"

"I am the one of the Washington cheerleaders. Can't you tell?" The girl said indicating her cheerleading uniform.

In fairness, she could just as easily have been a porn star.

"And who are you?" Speedy asked.

"I'm Jill Stevens. Now Gizmo what are you doing over here?"

"I'm just gloating over the fact that their quarter back can't play because he tried to attack me. Now we're going to win for sure." Jill hit Zach on the back of the head withone of her yellow and black pom-poms.

Her pom-poms which resembled Bee. Who looks like a bumblebee, don'tcha know.

"Ouch! Hey what was that for?"

"What a stupid thing to do! Now it's not a fair game! You know how Mamommth wanted to play against him! You weren't supposed to get him in trouble!"

"Well it's not my fault the guy can't take a joke!"

"Sound familiar Garfield?" Raven whispered to Garfield, who laughed nervously.

"What did you call him?" Jill asked.

"Yeah, what did you call him 'Gizmo'?" Bee asked.

"Don't ask." Victor asked.

By the way, Victor's black too. Like Bee. Who dresses like a bumblebee.

"That was still a rotten thing to do!" Jill said as she hit Gizmo with a pom-pom again.

"God what's your problem? Not like he's your boy-friend!" And Jinx started blushing slightly.

"Let's just see what headmaster has to say about it!" She said as she grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

"So you can't play?" Dick said.

"Apparently not." Victor replied.

At least, not until Al Sharpton gets all up in this bitch. We shall overcome, and all that.

"That sucks."

"Don't remind me."

"Victor! Hey Victor forget about what I said earlier about you not playing! I talked to their head-master and he says the attack was provocked!

Some coach. The guy on the other team is pulling for his players more than he is.

You can play. Now, c'mon! The game starts in five minutes!" The couch said as he came over and dragged Victor away.

"How do you think that happend?" Raven asked.

"Maybe it was someting that Jill did." Kori suggested.

Oh, Jill did alright. Jill did skillfully and very persuasively.

"A girl from Washington doing something nice for a guy from Jefferson? That's crazy." Garfield said.

Oh, his school's name is Washington? He's not from Washington State?

How the hell many schools named after the founding fathers does the author think there are in California?!

"I don't know who said anything, but our team should be glad that someone did." Terra said.

"Why?" Speedy asked.

"Mammoth is quarter back right?"

"Yeah so what? He's just as big as Victor." Dick said.

"Exactly, so now that Victor's back on the team, it evens things out. But if they didn't, Mammoth would break through their defense line so fast, even our own team wouldn't realize it."

A clear and fundamental lack of understanding of just what a "quarter back" does. This is why women shouldn't be allowed to write about football.

"C'mon guys let's get out seats, the game is starting."

"Nah, I'm going back to the dorms." Raven said.

Raven: I want to get a good shlick in before the next chapter.

"Why?" Garfield said.

"Football bores me."

Well, it may not be as fast-paced or exciting as, say, wrist-slitting or writing bad poetry, but I think it has its charm, sister.

"So we'll see you at lunch after the game?"

"Sure."

"May I accompany you to wherever you are going?" Kori asked.

"Why? I thought you liked football?" Raven said.

"I enjoy playing it, but it is quite boring to watch."

No no, shug, that's baseball.

"Okay, so you'll see Kori and me after the game."

"C'mon guys! The game's starting!" Terra said.

"We'll see you guys later! Bye!" Bee said.

The group did meet up at lunch, but not with good news.

"They creamed us!" Victor said.

"It was brutal." Bee agreed.

It turns out, having Victor on the field actually hurt their performance. Which explains why Jill went to all that effort to get him reinstated. Gotta hand it to that girl.

"It was weird, but from where we were sitting, it looked to me that they knew your every play." Terra said.

If their coach were Bill Belicheck, that'd make a lot of sense.

"So I'm not going insane?" Victor said.

"What?" Raven asked.

"I thought that too, but when I said that, the coach thought I was making stuff up!"

Coach got a pink slip just before the game. He's not really trying anymore.

"But how could they know your every play?" Garfield asked.

"They'd have to spy on you guys or something." Dick said.

"But that's impossible! How could they possibly spy on you?" Kori said.

Send a guy in a hoodie with a camcorder to practice? It's a lot simpler than you think, sugartits.

"It does seem pretty unlikely...unless..."

"What? Unless what? I'd like to know why we lost!" Victor said.

Because you suck, Vic. Not the team, but you in particular. You make JaMarcus Russell look like Joe Montana times John Elway.

"Victor, when was the first time you encountered Zack or Gizmo or whatever his name is?"

"Right after practice. We'd gone over all our plays...and I knew them so well. All a waste of time..."

Looks like your only option is to kill yourself.

"No, when did you first notice he was on the field?"

"I dunno, right when we started practicing I think. Why?"

"For once, think on your own."

"Oh! I get it! Cuz the guy's such a supposid genius he must've memorized it!"

...Wait. Wait. So Gizmo hung around practice for one morning--one freaking morning, before a game--memorized every play that they ran, then shared that knowledge with the coach in the (by now, no doubt very slim) period of time between practice ending and the game starting?

Oh, well, that makes PERFECT sense!

"Exactly."

"Oh! I get it!" Terra said.

"So do we all get it?" Raven said. Everyone nodded. Except of course, for Garfield.

"I still don't get it." He said.

"Of course you wouldn't. You've got an IQ of six." Terra said.

"No I don't! It's at least 10 points higher!"

The sad part is, he's not joking.

"I prove my point."

"No seriously, I don't get it. Someone explain it."

"Do we have to spell it out for you?" Bee said.

"Apparently so." Raven said.

"Gizmo. Stole. The. Plays. During. Practice."

...I thought he memorized them. That's not the same as stealing them. That's completely different. For one, it takes less brainpower. For another, it MAKES SOME FUCKING SENSE. Since this story already established that he memorized them, I'm going to ignore this revelation.

"WHAT? Are the Washington kids still here? We've gotta get that twerp!" Garfield said.

"Yeah, they're having lunch outside." Speedy said.

Completely oblivious to the fact that the student body of the team that they just thrashed no doubt wants their blood. Not a smart bunch, these Washington boys.

"Well then let's go get them!" Garfield said.

"I'm with Gar on this one. Let's go!" Victor said as he and Garfield got up.

"Does this really seem like such a good idea?" Raven asked.

Victor, Garfield, Bumblebee, and Raven walked toward the students from Washington. They couldn't convince the others to go. Raven had only come to make sure that they didn't anything that was illegal or incredibly stupid.

"Do you have to do this?" Raven asked.

"They stole the plays. I am gonna kill that stupid little techno geek!" Victor replied.

"What are you doing here loser?" A voice said from behind there. "And I see you've brought loser friends."

Gary Oak?!

They turned around to find a guy as big as Cyborg standing there.

"Who are you?" Bumblebee asked.

"Mammoth. The quarterback who just beat your team!" Mammoth replied.

Mammoth: Before you ask, yes, I know that my character was established as being a nice, honorable person. But this is Normal Teenage Life, where characterization gets turned up on its head and fucked repeatedly up the butt, so forget everything you knew about me, because now, I'm a jerk.

"So you losers back for more mental abuse?" Gizmo said as he walked up, followed by Jill.

"No, we're here because we know that you know that we know!" Garfield replied.

"Do you ever make sense?" Gizmo said.

"In other words, we know that you stole the team's plays." Bee said.

"YOU STOLE THEIR PLAYS?" Jill said.

"And I helped!" Mammoth said.

We're talking football, Mammoth. Not Hamburger Helper. Just go stand in the corner until the big boys are done talking.

"YOU BOTH STOLE THEIR PLAYS?" Jill said. "YOU IDIOTS! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE US A BAD REPUTATION?" She hit them both on the head with her pom-poms.

"Sheesh! Jill chill out!" Mammoth said running away.

"Excuse these two idiots. I had no idea that they did that. It's not like we hits Gizmo want hits Gizmo a hits Gizmo bad hits Gizmo reputation. They're idiots."

...Um. Could you say that again, please, and this time...could you make some sense? If it's not too much trouble, I mean.

Really. I mean it. I'm hits Gizmo fuckin' hits Gizmo stumped.

"Ow! God you hit hard Jill! Chill out!" Gizmo said.

Jill: And you and Mammoth can just forget about that "Jill Sandwich" now!

"I think we can tell that they're idiots." Bee replied.

"Yeah well I can't believe that they stole your plays! They're not really that bad. It's just they're just very competitive." Jinx said, moving closer to Victor.

Bee shot her a glance that said, 'back off girl'.

And by "glance," the story means "deadly bullet bees." And by "back off girl," it means "They're going to burrow into your skin and kill you from the inside out." You don't mess with The Pain's kool-ade.

"The damage is done. Now why don't you go off to your stupid little headmaster and tell him that his two prized students are lying, cheating pieces of-"

"Hey! Don't insult our headmaster! Mr. Blood is a very good headmaster!

Granted, he doesn't get along with Mr. Crip, the headmaster at Adams, but he does his job and he does it well, dammit!

And just because they stole your lame plays doesn't mean that their bad people!"

"Yes it does! That normally counts as acting like idiotic jerks!"

"They are not-"

"Yes they are!"

"No they're not!"

"Will you girls quit fighting?" Raven said.

No no, this is the most interesting development thus far. Let's get some mud and a pair of metal bikinis in here, see what happens.

"And who are you?" Jill asked.

"None of your business ya stupid prep."

Oooh, ice burn. Way to go, Enoby.

"I am not a prep."

"Ooo! Cat fight!" Beastboy said.

"It is not a cat fight!" All three girls said at once.

"Point blank, they stole your plays, and we can't get them back. The damage is done. End of story. Our schools will hate each other-" Raven said.

"They already do hate each other." Jinx said.

"And right now, I hate the students even more." Bee mumbled.

It's probably too much to ask for to want Terra to detonate a huge pile of C-4 where they're standing as part of her jihad against privileged upper-crusty teenage shits, but hey, a man can dream...

"What? Jealous because I'm flirting with your boyfriend?"

"He is not my boyfriend."

"Talk to the hand girl." Jinx said as she walked away.

Wow, first we get "stupid prep," and now "talk to the hand." These are some brutal insults. It's probably only a matter of time before we get the "I am rubber and you are glue," routine.

"Well that was of no help." Raven said.

"Can I pound the hell outta that guy now?" Victor said.

"No. If you do you'll get kicked off the team. Again." Raven said.

"Yeah, there's no point in staying around here. Let's get back to the dorms, lunch was over 15 minutes ago, and Washington's leaving." Garfield said.

"You guys go on, I want to go check something out." Victor said.

Vic likes to sneak into the boy's locker room after the games, break into all the lockers, and breathe deep the sweet scent of sweaty jockstrap.

"Just don't get yourself in trouble." Bee said.

"If I do, I'll call you. I've got my cellphone with me."

"I'll keep mine on."

"Same here." Raven said.

"Me too." Garfield said as he held up his green phone and turned it on. The three students walked away.

...The hell was that, a cell phone advertisement in the middle of the story? Dammit, the author forgot to advertise a specific brand. Don't she know anything about marketing?

Victor started walking toward the Washington group, but he was stopped.

"I take it you are Victor Stone? Quarterback for the Jefferson team?" The man said.

What man? Where does it say anything about a man?! Why--oh, I can't even pretend to care...

"And who are you?" Victor said.

"I'm the headmaster for Washington high. Just call me Mr. Blood." He replied.

His first name is "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" His friends call him Stu, though.

"And what do you want?"

"Well, I see that you are a very good player, and I was thinking it would be good if you transfered to our school. You know, then we'd have two of the best quarterbacks in the state.

The dreaded dual-quarterback formation--never fails to catch opposing teams by surprise. Partly because of its retardation.

You'd never lose another game." He said.

"No. Freak'n. Way." He said. "Not with cheating students who steal other school's plays."

"If you say so. Just think about it. The offer still stands." Mr. Blood said as he walked away.

"Well that was weird." Victor said as he started to walk back to the dorm.

Actually, what was REALLY weird about it was the way Blood winked and licked his lips sexily.

"So what happened?" Garfield asked as Victor walked into the room.

"Nothing." Victor lied. He didn't feel that the others needed to know what happened. "Anything interesting happen when I was gone?"

Not in this story, Vic. Never in this story.

"Aside from Camile still attempting to get Dick to go out with her?" Speedy said.

"I said something interesting."

Though it apparently qualified as "something interesting" in the last chapter. Like I said, no such thing as consistency in Normal Teenage Life.

"Nothing new. Nothing new yet anyway."

'I dunno...maybe I should actually take that guy seriously? It seems like a weird thing to do.'

"Victor? Victor are you there?" Dick asked.

"What? Oh yeah. Sorry, just thinking."

Vic: How much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck...?! Dammet, this is gonna be bothering me all day!

"Something obviously happened that you're not telling us about."

"Nothing happened."

"Dude, your lying. Even I can tell and according to everyone I meet, I have an IQ of like, 6." Garfield said.

"It's nothing I'm telling you! Even if it was, I'm not telling you!"

"God, chill!" Garfield said.

God: Hey, asshole, leave me out of this or I'll visit a plague on your ass.

"And she was so flirting with him! It was disgusting!" Bee was saying to Terra, Kori, and Raven.

"Really?" Kori asked.

"Yeah! She was totally flirting with him! She was all over him, it was disgusting!"

Hey, Bee, rumor has it that she was totally flirting with him, and it was disgusting. Can you confirm or deny?

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."Terra said with a smile.

And now we've invoked Shakespeare. The circle of horseshit is now complete.

"Cut the Shakespere and tell me what you're talking about."

"You've talked non-stop about him for the three days that you've been here."Raven said.

"So what? I always talk about things a lot!"

And Garfield's supposed to be the stupid one?

"I told you that you'd like him." Raven said.

"I do not!"

"Yes you do!" Terra and Raven said.

Dude, Bee, you're black, he's black--just stop trying to fight it, okay?

"No I don't!"

"No you don't!" They said.

"Yes I do!" Bee said. "Oops..."

Ahahaha, great, great, this story's now got an intellectual maturity on par with an episode of PB&J Otter.

"So you do like him do you not?" Kori asked.

"No comment."

"We'll get it out of you later." Raven said.

Raven: By force, if necessary. I've got Ocelot on speed-dial, motherfucker.

"Now we've gotta figure out a way to get back at that nasty Washington prep!" Terra said.

"Stupid preps..." Raven mumbled.

Ya lol i fokkin h8 dose prep fukerz dey ned 2 stfu!111111111111111

"I'd be glad to get back at her any day."

"Well then that's exactly what we're gonna do!" Bee said.

But will there be blood? Oh yes, there will be blood.

I got about half way through this before I just gave up. WHAT THE FUCK CAUSED THIS SHIT TO RECEIVE SO MANY DAMN REVIEWS?
Also:


Oh, goddamn it!

I hate this story with all my being.

Fuck, Raven wouldn't listen to punk. She'd listen to industrial/metal/goth stuff. just from that one little bit, I firmly believe that the author does not listen to current music whatsoever.

other than that, the mock kept me awake. Boring is right.

Wh- Uh- I, um- just- er- WHAT?!?!!?!?!?!!?

Hey, what can I say? most people will like ANY fanfic, no matter how horribly written the plot is, or filled with atrocious grammar. *shrugs*

Maybe it's because the only punk the author knows about is probably Green Day or some other angsty punk band.

Also, I know DBZ fanfiction is notably worse, but I meant by terms of Western Animation. I should have specified. Sorry.

Lastly, of course NTL got all the rave reviews. That shit was on FF.Net. Hell, If I was Your Nazi, Horrible Bloody Death of Kairi, 90% of Mykan's fanfics, and Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament all got rave reviews. The core userbase will love anything. Basically what shiroamasa said

I don't know how she did it, I don't know why she did it, I don't know if she did it on purpose or if this is kismet at its finest, but our beloved author has actually managed to make every preceding chapter seem like sheer brilliance crapped out by perfection with this, the sixth chapter in Normal Teenage Life. And I think I'm getting burnt out about ten chapters earlier than is the norm for me. It's actually making me want to go back to SMLoZ. And for that, I will never forgive Normal Teenage Life.

***

Chapter 6: So What If Revenge Is Morally Wrong?

Original Japanese Title: Jill-ted Women!! Bumblebee's Vicious Revenge!

The next morning at breakfast, the girls explained the plan they had come up with.

The Great Washington Co-Ed Tampon Heist would go down in history as one of the most successful (if least hygienic) operations in boarding school history.

"Well I guess it makes sense." Garfield said.

"At least he gets it." Terra whispered to Bee.

"It does make sense, except for one little detail." Victor agreed.

"What?" Kori asked.

Vic reached into his breast pocket and drew a badge. "You won't be able to pull it off from the inside of a jail cell. FBI, bitches. You're all under arrest for conspiracy."

"WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE GUY!"

"And that, is where you are wrong." Raven said.

"You're telling me that you know how to piss him off?"

"Well since we're telling you I think that we've figured it out already." Terra said.

"So what is it?"

"You're telling me that you can't tell that Jill was totally flirting with you?" Bee asked.

Bee, sweetheart, wait your turn. We need to get the cryptic foreshadowing out of the way, and then you can beat us over the head with your budding crush on Vic.

"She was?" Victor asked with a slight smile.

"And that Gizmo was totally jealous?"

"Really? Well that's nice to-Ooh! I get it!"

Kidnap Jill, cut off her thumbs and mail them to Gizmo. Threaten to send him a different body part every week unless he publicly confesses to stealing the playbook. While wearing a French maid's outfit.

"Took you long enough." Terra complained.

"Well I'm slow! Don't blame me!"

"You said it first!"

"So that's your plan?" asked The Man With No Name, peering at Revolver Ocelot from under the brim of his hat.

"Pretty much" Ocelot replied. "Hey, by the way, can I get your autograph after this is all over? I'm a big fan."

"I get it and I think it's cool! Yeah revenge!" Garfield cheered.

"Do you know when you're facing Washington again?" Raven asked.

"Yeah, we're playing them again on Friday."

"Perfect."

"Now we'll show that flirting abnormal preppy-" Bee started to rant.

WE GET IT. PREPS ARE BAD. WE'VE READ MY IMMORTAL.

"I thought it was Gizmo we were talking about?" Dick asked.

"Not only him. Now we'll tell you Part 2 of our lovely-"

"And evil, don't forget evil!" Terra said.

"Okay, fine. Now we'll tell you part 2 of our lovely, evil, manipulative little plan that's show those Washington preps!"

Burning the school down and festooning the charred corpses of the student body all over the burnt-out husk of the campus.

"God what is it with you and preps?" Garfired asked.

"Not my phrase. That's what Raven called them."

"Okay, Raven's what is it with you and preps?" Speedy asked.

"They're lying, aggravating, cheating, obnoxious, mental, mindless, fluff-headed, un-talented, idiotic, annoying, ridiculous, extreamly spoiled, boring, get-everything-they want, catty, mean, stupid, lazy, worthless, lousy, abnormal, pitiful, flirting, evil, infuriating, incompetant, frivilous, uncooperative, crazy, bratty, complaining, weak, bribing, prissy jerks who travel in herds."

Huh. Raven, it sounds to me like you've just described every upper-crusty son of a bitch who's ever attended a prep school. And, well, honey, not only do you and your gang of castrated superheroes fit your description to a tee, but you're a motherfucking hypocrite for holding yourselves and your own spoiled-rotten attitudes, your witless prattle, your self-centered bullshit and (most grievous of all) your pretentious, holier-than-thou attitudes above the very same crap that the rest of your peers mire themselves in. I'm not quite sure how you pulled it off, but every adjective that you just used to rail against the perceived "preps" of the world--truly the lowest that creation has to offer--can be applied directly to the forehead you and your shithead, do-nothing friends, who whine and complain for twenty-nine chapters about how difficult it is to attend a high-class educational institution and get fed a full breakfast buffet every morning at the inconvenient time of eight o'clock. I certainly hope that the irony of you acting so superior towards a nebulously-defined rung on the social-ladder over injustices that, in all likelihood, haven't even happened or (if they did indeed happen) were blown completely out of proportion by a short-tempered bitch with a Bella Swan complex, but nevertheless forever colored your perception of them as being intolerably superior and pretentious is not lost on you. And, heh, I know that I lean very, very heavily on legendary badfic My Immortal for humor and inspiration, but that, right there--that bullshit speech that you just gave, straight from the mind, heart and mouth of the teenaged author--has forever put your character--your completely-bastardized, impotent, wretched character--on the same level as Ebony Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way. You get that? You're Enoby. Suck on that, and kindly die, if it's not too much trouble.

Also, "abnormal?"

"So true." Terra said and the girls started giggling.

They're a little too easily amused, if you ask me.

"Why do we not get any of this?" Victor asked.

"I think it's a girl thing." Garfield asked.

"NOW will you tell me what else I have to do? I don't know how we keep getting off hot topic!" Victor complained.

"Once again, it's a girl thing."

"So tell me already!"

"Okay." Terra said as she began explaining the plan they had come up with last night.

That Friday, while the football team was practicing, Bee, Kori, Garfield, Terra, and the others were planning.

You know what? That entire sequence was, like, ten paragraphs long, with no new information presented and absolutely no progress made. We are precisely where we were when we started this chapter. That sequence, whose only lasting effect was to forever vilify the character of Raven Sabel to me, was completely unnecessary and irrelevant to the story. I'd like you to think for a moment what that means.

"After the game right?" Victor asked.

"Yeah, after the game. Not before, not during, not at half-time, after." Garfield said.

"We've gone over it like, thirty times, try and do it right!" Raven complained.

Raven: For fuck's sake, we only have so much pig's blood!

"Sure, now I've gotta go, the game is starting." Victor said as he walked away.

"He'd better do it right."

"We will have to wait until the game is over to find out." Kori said.

"Football still bores me."

"Aww come on Rae! Stay here! You don't wanna miss it!"

"I want to miss the game."

She's got to go back to her dorm room, shut the blinds, switch on the Indigo Girls and sob uncontrollably at the reality that is her miserable, lonely existence. You know, girl stuff.

"No! I mean the thing after the game!"

"Yes Raven, please stay! I am staying as well!" Kori asked.

"Rae, come on, the game's starting!" Garfield begged.

"Rae, come on!" Bee said as she dragged her on to the bleachers, with the others following. "Sorry about that, but I had to get you up here somehow before the game started!"

Raven: Alright, but were the elephant tranquilizers really necessary?

"Yeah whatever. I guess I'll just stay here for AN HOUR OF BORDOM!" Raven said.

"It won't be that bad." Dick said.

"Of course it won't for you! You actually like football as opposed to me who-"

"Shh! The game's started!" Bee said.

And just like that, Betty "The Pain" Klein becomes my favorite character in this story.

"This is gonna be one long hour." Raven mumbled.

"Do you think she'll live through it?" Dick whispered to Garfield.

"Hopefully." Garfield replied.

"I said shut up!" Bee said.

After the game, Victor approached the Washington cheerleaders.

As expected, group sex ensued.

"What happened Victor? Did Gizmo steal your plays again?" Jill asked as he walked over to her.

"No, I actually came over here to talk to you." Victor replied.

"Hey! What do you want ya stupid jock?" Gizmo asked as he walked over.

Oh, I guess Raven's hypocrisy isn't restricted only to herself and her circle of friends. That's like Bill Gates calling Stephen Hawking a nerd.

"None of your business. It's called a private conversation. So get!"

"Stupid football player..." Gizmo mumbled as he walked away, but he was still in ear-shot.

Wait--so Gizmo wasn't a football player? Goddammit, story, your inept writing and utter failure at characterization is comfuckingpletly throwing me off my game!

"Once again, excuse him, he doesn't hits Gizmo know hits Gizmo when to hits Gizmo keep out of other people's hits Gizmo business!" Jill said, the last part directed more toward Gizmo. "So what was it you wanted? Hits Gizmo?"

"Well um...I was wondering if you wanted to go out tomorrow..." Victor trailed off, absolutely mortified.

"Really? You mean it?"

"Yeah, so what's your answer?"

"I'd love to! Washington's gonna be here the rest of the weekend, so I'll meet you by the Jefferson entrance. What time?"

"Around 7:00?"

AM? PM? If it's 7:00 AM, they can go get a lavish, nutritious breakfast and then complain about how inconvenient it is.

"Okay, see you then!" Jill said as she happily ran off to tell her fluff-headed fellow cheerleaders.

The hypocrisy of self-obsessed teenagers complaining about other people judging them when they, themselves, judge other people far more frequently and on a level far more shallow and less substantial than they are judged will never cease to make me want to hurt the entire world.

I know, I already covered that in my mile-long Reason You Suck Speech, but it just irritates me.

"Hey! What's up with asking her out!" Gizmo said.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Victor asked smiling.

"Um...uh...no...but-"

"Then why do you care?"

"It's just that I-uhh-"

"She's not your girlfriend."

"So what? It doesn't matter if she's not-"

"Then you shouldn't have a problem with it. Adios ya pint-sized pointdexter." Victor said as he walked away, taking one last look at the fuming Gizmo who was looking more red and pissed off by the minute. "Hah! Revenge is sweet!"

That's the plan? Get Gizmo's knickers in a twist by taking his crush out on a date, once? As far as revenge scenarios go, that one's pretty lame.

"So how'd it go?" Garfield asked as Victor walked into the commen room (that's kind of like a living room of a dorm).

You can really tell how much research and effort went into making Normal Teenage Life as detailed and realistic as it is.

"Guess." Victor replied.

"So she said yes?"

"Yep. Gizmo was so jealous. Revenge is so sweet..."

"I still do not think that it is right to take advantage of the poor girl's heart." Kori said.

"Aw come on Kori, it's just a harmless prank!" Terra said.

You say that now, but when Jill shows up on Vic's doorstep stark-naked and sobbing with a Glock shoved in her mouth and her finger on the trigger, shallow gashes covering her thighs and wrists begging him to lover her, it's not gonna seem so harmless anymore.

"You are sure?"

"Don't worry about it!"

"Part 1 complete, part 2, will begin at-wait, what time did you say Victor?" Raven asked.

"7:00."

"Right, so part 2 will start at 7:00!"

They're actually talking about an airing of The Best of Both Worlds. Raven's been waiting for an entireweek to find out if Riker blows up Captain Picard or not.

"Revenge will be sweet on that stupid preppy fluff-headed cheerleader!" Bee said.

"God you've got issues. You jealous or something?" Victor asked.

"No, she's just a fluff-headed cheerleader who must be-" Bee lied.

"We get the point." Dick interrupted.

"I'm going back to the rooms. I've got something to work on." Raven said.

I certainly hope it's not more poetry, because I cannot fucking stand another stanza of that quasi-philosophical bullcock.

"See you guys later.

"Yeah, me too. I've got to finish-uh...something." Garfield said as he ran off.

"Garfield has something to do?" Speedy asked. "Doesn't that seem weird?"

"Good point." Terra said suspicously, but then her lips curled into a devilish smile. "And I think I'll go find out what." Terra said as she snuck off.

Does this girl just have ADD?! What happened to your little revenge scenario?! Man, no wonder NATO was able to hunt you down; you were probably fleeing for your life or something and got distracted by something shiny.

"She's spying isn't she?" Bee said.

"Yeah, pretty much." Dick said.

"Yeah, well I've got to do some stuff in my room too! See ya later!" Bee said as she put her earphones in her ear and turned on her iPod and walked away.

I really hope that all these people doing all these undefined things that aren't important enough to elaborate on but are important enough to mention is going to be relevant later. And I know how stupid I am to hope for something like that, but hey, I'm a dreamer.

Soon, Kori, Speedy, and Victor all walked away. Well, Victor was, but then he walked back to Dick.

"Hey Dick, you know how we we're saying before about Bee bein' jealous? Remember when Gar said that she liked me? You know how Gar says that all these people liked all these other people? Well that reminded me that-"

"Yes."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're going to say, that reminded you that Gar said that I liked Kori. Then I'm going to say no, you're gonna say yes, I'm gonna say no, and we're going to go on like that for god knows how long so I'm just gonna go ahead and say yes."

"Actually, I was going to say that Gar never said that he liked Raven, but that's good too!" Victor said as he started laughing.

I'm so starved for an actual emotion being evoked by this story (besides white-hot fury) that I actually forced myself to laugh at that, just to keep myself going.

"Forget what I just said."

"No way! This is too good! Too bad I never got it on tape!"

"Shut up."

"No."

"Don't you have get ready for something?"

"No."

"CAN YOU JUST LEAVE?"

"No."

"Do you even know who's talking anymore?"

"Nah man, I lost track like six sentences ago."

"Well then I'm gonna go up to the girl's dorm and tell Bee that you told me that you-"

"NO! I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" Victor said in surprise as he quickly got up and backed out of the room.

This is totally how guys interact, by the way. Right, dwindling male userbase of Project AFTER?

"Hah. I win."

"For now anyway. All I have to do is go tell Gar and it'll be all over the school in what, five minutes?"

"Speaking of, where's Garfield and Terra?"

"I dunno, let's go look!"

On Saturday night, around 7:15, Victor, Bee, Garfield, and Kori were in hiding in the bushes near where Jinx was standing, supposidly 'waiting' for Victor.

They hold all four of them?! Just how big are those damn bushes?!

"Where is he?" She said to herself, feeling extreamly stupid. Not known by anyone, Gizmo was also hiding in a nearby bush.

Do they just will bushes into existence when they're needed? Are they Protoss bushes? Did they warp them in?! Is this supposed to be a deconstruction, or is it this hackneyed unintentionally?!

"Hah! Let's see how long she stands there!" Garfield said.

"I still don't think it's such a good idea..." Kori mumbled.

"Shh!" Raven whispered.

Jill stood there, for about a half hour more, waiting. Then, out of almost (remember, ALMOST) nowhere, Gizmo walked up to her.

These author's notes are about as helpful as Navi. And twice as annoying.

"So what are you doing, still waiting here? I thought the famous all-star quarter-back of Jefferson was gonna take you out?"

"He's late." She replied.

"More like he stood you up."

"I DID NOT GET STOOD UP!"

"Su-ure. Now why don't you come back to the Washington-"

"Just. Leave. Me. Alone."

"Suit yourself." Gizmo said as he walked away.

Jill took one last look around the area. Her eyes lingered at the bush for a minute or so.

Jeb Bush: Yeah, these things happen, hon. C'mon, I'll take buy you some cocoa on the way home.

"No, I'm seeing things..." She muttered. Eventually, she gave up and left to walk back toward where Washington was staying. "I'm gonna get him! No one stands Jill Stevens up!"

"Except me!" Victor muttered from his hiding place.

"I'm gonna get revenge on him! No one stands Jill Stevens up!" Bee mimicked as they met up with the rest of the their group in the commen room.

"So I take it that it worked out?" Raven said.

THAT was their plan? That's even lamer than what they had in mind! If he'd taken her out and then humiliated her somehow, at least it would have been conclusive. But this?

Also, why was Vic trying to exact petty, jealous revenge on Jill in the first place when she was nothing but a sweetheart to him? Bee was the one with the vendetta against her; Vic has no reason to feel anything but gratitude towards her!

And, hell, Jill is less annoying and petty than Bee by a factor of eight trillion; it sounds to me like Vic is making the wrong call by sticking with her and alienating the attractive cheerleader who'll stick her neck out for him.

This is the worst fanfic ever written. It's worse than Sailor Moon Legend of Zelda. No, it's worse than My Immortal. At least My Immortal is entertaining. You can read My Immortal, and you can laugh your ass off and fall in love with every character because of how ridiculous and over-the-top it all is, but there is nothing to love in this story. We are five chapters into it--six, I don't know--and I've already declared it the worst fanfic ever written. That is quite a distinction. I would rather sit through a hundred chapters written by Dakari-King Mykan than this...than [this.

"I still do not think that it was a nice thing to do. She looked so-" Kori started.

"Heartbroken?" Terra interrupted.

"Spiteful?" Speedy suggested.

"Remorseful?" Garfield said.

"Do you even know what that means?" Raven asked.

Oh, be quiet Raven; you don't know what it means either.

"No, but it seemed like a good word to use."

Raven rolled her eyes. "Boys."

"But it still was not a nice thing to do!" Kori protested.

"Well she deserved it that little preppy, flirting-" Bee started.

"Now stop right there." Victor interrupted.

Hey, all right--looks like Victor's finally going to man up and denounce this harpy and her vendetta. It's a little too late, but at least it's some development.

"Must someone always stop me?"

"Whenever you start mentioning her, you say that she flirted with me. Why do you have such issues with her flirting with me?"

Oh, fuck you Victor.

"I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!"

And instead of a scene where Victor realizes the gravity of what he's done, to someone he has no quarrel with, to satisfy the jealous rage of a girl whose company he cannot stand, and grows as a human being because of his epiphany, we get a rehash of the same gag that this story has been throwing at us since the first chapter. This story, which has been digging its grave since its inception, has just passed through the Earth's molten core, and I calculate that it will emerge in China within three chapters.

"And I thought they had stopped that weeks ago." Speedy muttered to Terra, who laughed.

"No I don't!" Bee yelled.

"Yes you do!" Victor replied.

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!"

"No I don't!"

"STOP! You need to quit fight and if either of you has a problem, SORT IT OUT WITHOUT YELLING! IT'S RIDICULOUS! AND I'm getting a headache! In fact, I already have one!" Raven said.

Well, one thing's for sure--the best cure for a headache is more yelling! Thank God Raven's got that covered for us!

"There's some Advil in the bathroom upstairs!" Terra replied. Raven nodded and walked out of the room towards her room.

A light of joy sprang in her heart. All she had to do was down the bottle and then pray that nobody stumbled onto her body in the bathroom, and she'd be free from her comfortable and privileged existence once and for all.

"Yes you do!" Victor yelled.

"AND SO WHAT IF I DO?" Bee exclaimed.

"This is ridiculous!" Dick commented.

"Yeah! You're gonna give us all a headache!" Garfield said.

"You two are impossible!" Kori decided.

"And coming from Kori, it's gotta be true." Terra pointed out.

"What's today?" Speedy asked.

"Umm...Saturday." Bee said.

"OH DAMMET! I've got to do that reasearch paper for science!"

Would this story take some goddamn Ritalin and focus?!

"Do it on Sunday." Victor said.

"No, I've gotta do the paper then do the edit it and do the final copy. It'll make up for what I missed this year, and if I don't get a good grade on it I'm dead!" Speedy said as he ran off toward his room (They all had computers on in their room).

Complete with high-speed internet connections and user-friendly interfaces. Damn you, Wilson!

"Yeah, that reminds me, I've gotta do that research paper too. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Knowing me, I'll be up all night." Bee said as she ran off toward her room.

Suddenly, Garfield's eyes widened.

He'd completely forgotten about the full moon, and sundown was in fifteen seconds. Already, the bloodlust and primal hunger was creeping onto his mind...

"What's wrong?" Terra asked.

"Monday." He replied.

"What's on Monday?" Dick asked.

"THE SCIENCE STATE TEST! THE ONE THAT'S GONNA COUNT FOR 60 OF OUR GRADE!"

That's totally how standardized tests work.

"WHAT?"

"THAT'S ON MONDAY?" Kori exclaimed.

"OH GOD I'VE GOTTA STUDY! I SUCK AT SCIENCE SO MUCH!" Victor said as she ran out.

CAPSLOCK MEANS I'M PANICKING

"C'MON LET'S GO!" Garfield said as he dragged Dick up to the room to study.

"Kori c'mon!" Terra said.

"I hate state tests." Kori murmered as she let Terra drag her to study for the state test on Monday.

THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MON--oh, this? The story seemed so insistent that we memorize this fact, and, well, I do like to be helpful...

Wait, I didn't catch a certain detail: Is the state test on monday? The author didn't repeat themself enough.

Also, Gotta love that "Reason you suck Speech".

Lastly:
This is the worst fanfic ever written? You mean you've never read "No Turning Back"? This is in the top 5 worst, no doubt, but there's no way this is the absolute worst.

This story is just plain awful.

*RAGERAGERAGE*

GUYS. I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING.

Hey, fuck you, fag! That there's my bit! If you ever steal it again I will slam your head into the ground until you die! You got that, Alfalfa?

That don't belong to you.

You know I can imagine several things that would be way worse than Teen Titans becoming a boring ass high school AU. The Justice League for one... and the dozens of Avatar High School fanfics. Why do people think turning super powered beings into normal regular humans is compelling? I mean, we watch the show to see them fight crime not complain about an upcoming test! We live that! I thought this was suppose to be escapism?

So I hope I'm not the only one that notices the author keeps slipping with names. Garfield has more than once been referred to as Beast Boy, and "Jill" as Jinx.

Just thought I'd point that out.

On that note, I agree that the MCs are a lot less likable than the supposed bad guys. Jill beat the shit out of whatshisface when she found out he stole their plays and even got Victor back in the football game after he got into a fight. I'd rather read a story about her.

Also, I dunno, is this an old story? FF.Net for a while took away asterisks (those little * symbols used for actions and scene changes) and when they let you use them in stories again, they weren't just automatically put in. If this story was put up in that time, those "hits Gizmo" things could've just been one of the many authorial oversights.

Not that I'm trying to make excuses for her at this point.

Ah, now it makes sense!