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Subliminal
post Apr 20 2008, 12:30 PM
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Thiiiiis time I actually AM mocking one of Desdemona's fics, like I said I planned to XD Specifically, this lovely piece of abomination is a KH fic. Fun on a bun!
At least there's no Riku/Sora.

As always, fic is normal, my comments are bold.

---

LET ME STAY

Disclaimer: I do not own Kairi or Squall.

ORLY? And what the crap is SQUALL doing in here?

But I do own Zeke.

-deadpan- OCs. Yay.

A/N: This is my first KH fic, I hope you guys enjoy it.

A high screeching noise filled her ears and she cried out, banging her had down on the top of her alarm clock.

-totally read that as "head", not "had"- I like my mental image better than whatever that's supposed to be.

"No," she said sleepily.

Yes, I do. Don't try to tell me what I do and don't like.

Then she bumped something beside her. Her eyes opened wide

Kairi: RIKU? But I...I thought you were GAY!

as sge sat up, gathering the blankets around her. She was positively terrified to look beside her. She knew it wasn't who she thought it was and she didn't really wanna know who it was.

...so...who does she think it is, but know it isn't? Wait. Uh...

"I hate date-rape," she said,

The original word was "prom". Mine's better.

getting up and picking up her clothes, holding the shetts

Shetts? That sounds like "shet" as in "shetland" as in "shetland pony". Soooo...

against her body. Then she dressed herself and brushes all the knots out of her hair. She wishes she could shower, but this wasn't her house.

Random tense changing yay! And how is she doing all this WITHOUT seeing Rik...I mean her bedmate?

Finally she gathered enough courage to turn around and face the man who she had slept with. Her mouth dropped then.

Kairi: RIKU!

"ZEKE!?"

-disappointed- Oh. At least my version didn't have random OCs. -huff-

she screamed. Zeke's eyes fluttered open.

"Ow...Kairi...don't be so goddamn loud!" She watched as he clutched his head the she walked over to the bed and crawled up onto it.

"You BASTARD!" she screamed right into his ear.

-somehow confused by that whole series of events-

"FUCK! kairi what the hell did i do?"

My guess would be that you answered the question before you asked it.

"I told you not to get drunk, Zeke, I told you this would happen." His eyes popped open.

Like ripe berries! Man that sounds gross. Now Kairi's gonna be covered in eye-goo.

"WHAT HAPPENED!?!?!?!?!"

HOLY CRAP. -cowers-

"Second scenario."

Zeke: -clinks- What the hell--are you still drunk?

"You mean I fucked your brains out?"

"Not sure Zeke, but I do know it happened."

Kairi: So, basically, I have no idea what happened, but I'm completely certain we had sex. Mmhm. I r gud sens makr.

"Woah...wait...how?"

Kairi: Well, you see, when two people get VERY drunk--

"Sex has a distinct smell smartass."

Kairi: It smells like strawberries. Rotten ones, in your case.

Zeke sat up then.

"How do you know what sex smells like Kairi!?

Kairi: Why don't you let ME worry about that?

I though you were a prude."

"Thats what you get for thinking." Zekes mouth dropped open then and Kairi got up to leave. Zeke pulled her back down on the bed.

"Who, who...WHO!?" he screamed bouncing on top of her and pinning her beneath him.

What the hell just happened? o_o

"OMG!"

NOWAI!! WTF!! BBQ!!

Kairi howled, "okay zeke wdaag

"Wdaag"? o.O Anyone wanna translate for me?

creepy, I was hoping you werent gonna go all gay on me."

Zeke: Oh, DARLING, why would you EVER think I would do THAT! -eyelash flutter-
And, random much?

"Oh can it Kairi!" Zeke said sittinf on her waist, "Now tell me whooooo!"

"Ugh! Zeke get offa me! It's bad enough that I FUCKED you, I don't want the whole 'I got fucked by a gay guy' thing hanging over my consince.'"

So Zeke's gay? ...maybe it's Riku's OTHER personality.

"Kai! Back on topic! Tell ME WHO YOU FUCKED YOU HEARTLESS BITCH!"

Actually, if we're gonna call anyone heartless, let's go for Sora. He's the only one who actually WAS a Heartless, after all.

"I am not a heartless bitch, assmuncher, and his name is -er- Leon."

...
Why do I get the pedophilia fics?

"Ohh! Leon WHAT?" Zeke asked, adding, "and obviously I'm not an ass muncher if I screwed you."

"Like I would tell you his last name you discusting faggot!"

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY DISCUSTING. I'm SO DISCUSTED IN YOU.
And Zeke strikes me as a very funny variety of meatball and/or bundle of sticks.

"Ohh!" Zeke said, "getting defensefull aren't you bitch?" Zeke bounced up and down against her stomach and pelvic bone.

You could also just say "pelvis". These people are insane btw o.O

"FUCK!" Kairi screamed,

She sure curses a lot for a girly-girl-next-door type.

"get off of me! HELP! I'M BEING RAPED BY A FAGGOT!" Zeke tilted his head back and laughed.

The extremes of emotion are burning my brain.

"No one is here to save you Kai!"

"Get off!"

"Tell me his last name."

"GET OFF!"

Interesting last name. Leon Get Off. Hm.

I will not make a masturbation/sex joke...
I will not make a masturbation/sex joke...
I will not make a masturbation/sex joke...
I will not make a masturbation/sex joke...
I will not make a masturbation/sex joke...

"LAST NAME!" Kai

Who's Kai? Kairi's brother? Or other personality?

screamed then, long and hard. Zeke laughed.

"We're all aloooonneee!" Kai began to throw a tantrum, kicking and screaming.

Wasn't he/she/it already doing that?

Then the phone rang, but not just anyone's phone

It was...THAT phone! -point- DUN DUN DUN.

...it was Kai's cell., Zeke smiled and grabbed it.

"Squall Leonhart," he said. Kai's eyes widened in fear.

Kair...er, "Kai": No! He's back! I thought I got rid of him with the restraining order!

"Give me the phone!" she screamed, but Zeke completely ignored her.

"Hello?" Zeke asked in a manly tone.

As opposed to his normal soft, feminine, fluffy and doeful and filled with pudding tone.

Kairi screamed.

Kairi: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
If Simba can do it, why not her x3?

"DAMMIT ZEKE, GIVE ME MY PHONE!" Zeke waved her away.

"Oh yeah, that's her--" a pause--"talk to her?--" another pause--"yeah, but you have to answer one question first--" another pause--"how old are you?" Kai's eyes got HUGE then exploded. and a long pause followed.

"Oh! Wow, 18. That's a big fat fucking lie mister!--" Kai screamed and threw Zeke off of her and onto the floor.

Okay, no idea how big of a guy Zeke is, but Kairi's not exactly buff.

"Fuck Kai!"

You already did.

"GO FUCK YOURSELF ASSMUNCHER!" Zeke's eyes got huge and then he got real quiet.

"Take it back!" he screamed as she grabbed her phone.

Er, why? She ALREADY called you that. You didn't care then.

"No!"

"BITCH!"

"FAGGOT!"

"WHORE!"

"UNCLE FUC--"

"STOP IT!" a voice yelled over the phone and both quieted down.

Squall: GOD. Can I just say "wrong number" already? I feel like I'm trying to talk to insane preschoolers!

Kai put her ear the the reciever and said, "Hello?" a growl followed.

And then the phone promptly devoured half of Kairi's head in one bite. The end.

"KAIRI!"

"Yes?"

"You are VERY late. I was worried." Kai's eyes got wide.

"Oh no! I am SO sorry!"

Kairi: I was busy screwing gay guys!

"Just get here," there was a click from the other end and she sighed.

"Zeke, I'm gonna need a ride." Zeke gave her a suggestive look.

Look, is he gay or not? This is annoying me.

"In yoor car, to the McDonalds down the road, asshole."

Random, adrupt end much?

---

To sum up: Kairi and Zeke(whoever the hell he is) act like insane preschoolers. Squall is a pedo. Everything is wildly OOC.

BTW, despite the jokes, I don't think Riku's gay.
I think he's bi. X3
Just thought I'd clear that bit up.

This post has been edited by Subliminal: Apr 20 2008, 12:31 PM


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sub·lim·i·nal (suhb-lihm-ih-nahl)
adj.

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   2. Inadequate to produce conscious awareness but able to evoke a response.
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Desdemona
post Apr 20 2008, 12:53 PM
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I actually laughed out loud at this one.

And I WONDER why everything is sooo OOC.

*shifty eyes*


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"He couldn't get a hint if he covered himself in hint-musk
and went prancing around in a field of horny hints during hint mating season."
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Subliminal
post Apr 20 2008, 12:54 PM
Post #3


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INDEED.

XD Go me, I make people LOL in real life!


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CEO Corporate Ego in Overdrive. - The Cynic's Dictionary

QUOTE
sub·lim·i·nal (suhb-lihm-ih-nahl)
adj.

   1. Below the threshold of conscious perception. Used of stimuli.
   2. Inadequate to produce conscious awareness but able to evoke a response.
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gfw spacezilla
post Apr 20 2008, 01:25 PM
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Fucking Miracles.
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I dont see how anyone can like these characters.


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Mysty
post Apr 20 2008, 01:28 PM
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QUOTE(Desdemona @ Apr 20 2008, 03:53 PM)
And I WONDER why everything is sooo OOC.

*shifty eyes*
*



It's a mystery that might never be solved. Tis sad.

And Subliminal, I second the 'read had as head' thing. Because headbanging your alarm clock to turn it off is the best way to start the morning EVER.


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Mysterious white powder. Rumored to improve Detective Skye's mood.
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Subliminal
post Apr 20 2008, 01:30 PM
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Of COURSE it is!
Even better if it's a Monday or any other day you don't particularly want to wake up!


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CEO Corporate Ego in Overdrive. - The Cynic's Dictionary

QUOTE
sub·lim·i·nal (suhb-lihm-ih-nahl)
adj.

   1. Below the threshold of conscious perception. Used of stimuli.
   2. Inadequate to produce conscious awareness but able to evoke a response.
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ExpensiveConcubine
post Apr 20 2008, 04:49 PM
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You showed laudible restraint my friend. I applaud you; I would've jabbed my juglar vein with a broken (stolen) copy of Nick Lachey's flop CD a third of the way through. Go you! laugh.gif

Honestly, I don't know who these fangirls are who think "Much x Booze=Random Sex/The Power of Lust". That's a math problem not even Bush would buy as legit.


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Subliminal
post Apr 20 2008, 05:00 PM
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XD I dunno.
He might.


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CEO Corporate Ego in Overdrive. - The Cynic's Dictionary

QUOTE
sub·lim·i·nal (suhb-lihm-ih-nahl)
adj.

   1. Below the threshold of conscious perception. Used of stimuli.
   2. Inadequate to produce conscious awareness but able to evoke a response.
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Desdemona
post Apr 20 2008, 06:24 PM
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QUOTE(ExpensiveConcubine @ Apr 20 2008, 04:49 PM)
You showed laudible restraint my friend.  I applaud you; I would've jabbed my juglar vein with a broken (stolen) copy of Nick Lachey's flop CD a third of the way through.  Go you!  laugh.gif

Honestly, I don't know who these fangirls are who think "Much x Booze=Random Sex/The Power of Lust".  That's a math problem not even Bush would buy as legit.
*



AHEM. Anyways.


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"He couldn't get a hint if he covered himself in hint-musk
and went prancing around in a field of horny hints during hint mating season."
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Al_Cone
post Apr 20 2008, 08:39 PM
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Does anybody want to explain what I just read, exactly? And I use "read," very loosely.


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T_K_17
post Apr 20 2008, 09:13 PM
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Musssst... feeeeeed...
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You just read the embodiment of cannon rape.


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Mocks:
Digiball Z - 16 chapters (Complete)
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Saiyaman 2 - 5 chapters
TT vs PA - Chapters 2 and 3 (Complete)
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Yunagirlamy
post Apr 21 2008, 11:31 AM
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You know what? F**K YOU!
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I don't remember any "Zeke" in Kingdom Hearts...


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Subliminal
post Apr 21 2008, 12:42 PM
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He's an OC, apparently.


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CEO Corporate Ego in Overdrive. - The Cynic's Dictionary

QUOTE
sub·lim·i·nal (suhb-lihm-ih-nahl)
adj.

   1. Below the threshold of conscious perception. Used of stimuli.
   2. Inadequate to produce conscious awareness but able to evoke a response.
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Desdemona
post Apr 22 2008, 04:21 PM
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QUOTE(Al_Cone @ Apr 20 2008, 08:39 PM)
Does anybody want to explain what I just read, exactly? And I use "read," very loosely.
*



I don't know what you just read. And I WROTE this like three years ago.


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"He couldn't get a hint if he covered himself in hint-musk
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FoxyBoxer
post Apr 22 2008, 06:59 PM
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And so the Moor took the ill-conceived fiction, and smote it thus!
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Desdemona
post Jul 23 2010, 08:15 PM
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Random old topic bump: And the truth is revealed, I actually WROTE this story. Originally it wasn't KH though, but my 14-year-old self was kinda like "hey, what the hell, let's make it a fanfic". Biggest mistake...ever.


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Kuramastrassx3
post Jul 24 2010, 10:54 AM
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When I play the game, I get lost in a phase...
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Yeah Des, we got it. It was mentioned like twice already before you used your powers of necromancy to revive this thread.


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