The Sailor Moon Legend of Zelda, Dakari-King Mykan Options

[The Chosen]

Every time I see the "Ah, ah, ah!" laugh, I can't help but think of the Count from Sesame Street.

[Max-Vader]

Any minute now, the spirit of Sigmund Freud is going to appear before Link to give him the courage to draw his penis metaphor.

Hahaha! That would be amazing though, so it didn't happen.

This is the part where Link cuts his hair off with a dagger in order to become useful again.

Sakura was never useful.

[Al_Cone]

Sakura was never useful.

I was referencing Final Fantasy IX you RUDEHOG.

[Max-Vader]

I was referencing Final Fantasy IX you RUDEHOG.

Well excuse me, princess.

[CuChulainn1290]

Based on my conversations with him and peeking ahead at the fic I'm currently mocking, I feel like that he often uses other movies and character dialogues to speed things along as part of his painkilling regiment.

[Lizard-Man]

Of course that's his reason. He's lazy. Any kind of copying and pasting technique is out of laziness. You don't want to think up something on your own so you take something from somewhere else. Bam, you're done. Too many authors rush things. They should see chapters as monthly comic book issues. They need to work on them, properly develop them. This is why Milkauk is a terrible writer, he doesn't do this because he wants to make good stories. He does all this because it's the only way he thinks he can cope with the fact his favourite pairings always fail.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jun 21 2012, 11:18 AM

[CuChulainn1290]

Of course. That's been my policy for the past eight years.

That said, I wonder about Mykan's ideas and wonder if, in the right hands, this or some of his other fics might have been good.

This post has been edited by CuChulainn1290: Jun 21 2012, 04:33 PM

[Airrider]

It's really hard to tell. I suppose, if you looked back far enough and boiled down the stories for what they could've been rather than what they were.

Case in point: SMLoZ. An ancient hero battling an equally old foe, struggling to mesh with the new heroes and villains of a different age. Both misstep and attempt to navigate this new world, one with the aid of some new friends in the form of the Senshi and the other pushing possible assistance like Beryl away and staunchly refusing help in the belief that he can still grab power all by himself. Good in theory but there's going to be lots of balancing and fiddling around in order to keep one side of the struggle from making the other redundant. Salvageable, I guess, but of course, handled by a moron who lets his anti-talent get in the way of any potential the setup might have.

My Little/Brave Unicorn: A look at a bunch of alternate ponies somewhere far from Ponyville that nobody's heard of. At best, a side story that gets to show off a different location in Equestria and characters with a different set of jobs or a different approach to things than the Mane 6 many grew to know and love, with the potential for writing lots of MLP:FiM scenarios that just wouldn't work with the cast we're given already in the show. By far the thing with the most potential out of the lot...which is why he proceeded to utterly and entirely destroy it with every key stroke.

The rest, I don't know. Probably not. They're all the same thing and show problems that render the overwhelming majority of his entire e-bibliography irreparable.

I guess if you forgot that Mykan's works existed, then SMLoZ and ML/BU as IDEAS could be considered readable. But these works-their mere presence-ensures that it'd be hard to take seriously, and therefore pull off.

[CuChulainn1290]

That's kinda what I thought.

I mostly bring this up because I think The War of Megazords VS Gundams, as utterly stupid as it is, does have some merit. An enemy from another time comes with nothing but wholesale destruction on the mind and declares war on the Earth. This leads to a coalition of humanity and its many evolutionary branches (Newtypes/Coordinators/Innovators/X-Rounders) and the Power Rangers as they try to fight back against this new enemy without turning gunbarrels on each other.

Crossing over Gundams not only works, it friggin' sells. But of course, he can't write worth a lick, so the whole thing falls apart like a submarine made of bread.

[Airrider]

I guess...but then again I remember that's kind of been done on a much grander scale with just about any Super Robot Wars game that wasn't originals-only. You want to see what happens when EVA Units, Virtuaroids, GaoGaiGar and several UC and AC Gundams get together? There's an answer. The intrigue of these disparate factions coming together without beating the crap out of one another is something, but still...I dunno.

This post has been edited by Airrider: Jun 21 2012, 05:29 PM

[Al_Cone]

I guess...but then again I remember that's kind of been done on a much grander scale with just about any Super Robot Wars game that wasn't originals-only. You want to see what happens when EVA Units, Virtuaroids, GaoGaiGar and several UC and AC Gundams get together? There's an answer. The intrigue of these disparate factions coming together without beating the crap out of one another is something, but still...I dunno.

This isn't a mash-up of two different franchises, so much as it is Zelda with Sailor Moon characters inexplicably added into the mix. The Sailors are really just interchangeable set pieces whose impact on the narrative is so slight that it's easy to ignore them. Look at Sailor Moon, and how useless she is without Link there to hold her hand; look at her role in the fight just now, where she does two things and immediately passes out from them.

[Maniak]

This isn't a mash-up of two different franchises, so much as it is Zelda with Sailor Moon characters inexplicably added into the mix. The Sailors are really just interchangeable set pieces whose impact on the narrative is so slight that it's easy to ignore them. Look at Sailor Moon, and how useless she is without Link there to hold her hand; look at her role in the fight just now, where she does two things and immediately passes out from them.

Worse, you can`t even clal this thing a story. Airrider`s "general approach" at the idea of crossing over heroes and their struggles is good because it follows basics of story archetypes and you can work with it.
SMLoZ is as pointed out countless times just a FAQ mixed with Armageddon.
The same can be said for most of his other fanfics. Instead of using a certain basic concept and roll with it on his own, he just copypastes the shit out of other stuff.
Case in point, his PA revenge fic. Surprisingly the most entertaining thing until he rips of Goldeneye.

[T_K_17]

Whoa, Al. At this rate you might actually get this thing done this year! Maybe if I put my back into it and get my timing right I could get Saiyaman 2 done at the same time?

Anyway, the real reason I'm posting is to ask if you have any plans for another multi-chapter story after SMLoZ is done, because if you don't have anything in the pipeline then I have something that might work for you.

[Al_Cone]

Whoa, Al. At this rate you might actually get this thing done this year! Maybe if I put my back into it and get my timing right I could get Saiyaman 2 done at the same time?

Anyway, the real reason I'm posting is to ask if you have any plans for another multi-chapter story after SMLoZ is done, because if you don't have anything in the pipeline then I have something that might work for you.

I have a lot of stories on the queue, like my planned Mulp Fim extravaganza, as well as some painfully bad Teen Titans fiction. But shoot me a message; I'm open to adding another to the docket.

[Oogie-Boogie]

A reference to Final Fantasy 9?
That is my favorite Final Fantasy Game, thank you for that.
Garnets Uselessness was combined with Character Development, Link has none.
Nobody has Character Development in this Story.
At least Link is dead thanks to Margaret.

The holes are gigantic. Why oh why does Ganondorf Link all Triforce Sharps?
What move makes Link stronger and gives Ganondorf a tactical disadvantage.
And why does Link not know to fight Ganondorf even then he has done the exact same fight thousands of years ago?
Urgh…
Mykan is devoid of any original idea. Anything like in Ocarina of Time, nothing else, every time the same.

A suggestion Mykan:
Why do not Rip off something from another Medium to make the boss battles more interesting? I mean you ripping off all the time, why not combine it even more!
Give Phantom Ganon Pegasusmon to ride or let Koume and Kotake Red and Blue Lantern Rings respectively…. Or Ganondorf has the BFG from Doom and attacks the Digiworld in order to gain control of it or something.
Anything to create a new thing, a new situation to some degree.

A good Mock of this Chapter Mister Cone, a very good Mock… Your smack-downs on Mykans writing style are well deserved.

[truthordeal]

Goddamnit Oogie-Boogie, thanks for getting my hopes up.

[shiroamasa]

Goddamnit Oogie-Boogie, thanks for getting my hopes up.

I second this.

[Al_Cone]

CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

Once Link and team returned to the drill site, they were just in time too. For Yamato had made his decision about what to.

...to...to what? To sing? Eat? Attempt procreation with?

They would do it the General's way, and remote detonate the bomb anyway.

So all of that hubbub about stopping the premature detonation was for nothing because they just decided to do it anyway, huh?

Thanks for wasting my time, Mykan. Though that does create a funny plothole. They already disarmed the bomb, see. So they can't remote detonate it.

At 750 feet in the hole, it was a 49 percent chance the Asteroid would be deflected out of it's trajectory.

“Well what if it doesn't work?” asked the General.

Yamato sighed. “Then all we can do… is hope for a Miracle.” He said… Little did he or any of the others know that a miracle was exactly what they were about to get.

For unto them, a savior would be born, with skin as green as lime and voice as cracked as Al Cone's tolerance for authorial fiat. He would ride upon a blonde woman, whose rider would be named Faithful and True, because in the Mykanverse, Garfield Logan is capable of no wrongdoing.

Meanwhile, on the Asteroid…

TIME TO ZERO BARRIER

1 hr(s)… 47 min… 38 sec…

TIME TO IMPACT

5 hrs… 44 min… 38 sec…

Forget Impact; what's the time to courier? Or comic sans?

Everyone just stood around, as Speed and Estevan prepared to drop the bomb into the hole. Just had to make a few adjustments first.

Link: Dammit, Estevan, would you just get on with it?! Fate of the world's kind of at stake, and all that!

Estevan: But Master, I can't finish the operation with my dick sticking out of my underwear at this angle!

“Guess what, guys. It's time to embrace the horror.” said Navi. “Look we got front-row tickets to the end of the Earth.”

Hey, look on the bright side. You'll all likely burn to a cinder on re-entry long before the asteroid strikes the Earth.

Zelda stood by Link, trying to cheer him up. “You did your best, Link.” she said. “At least we know the Earth may be saved after all.”

Link smiled a little, but nobody felt any better. If only they knew that the Earth would be saved for certain. If only they were able to finish the hole…

I had the same dilemma when I had to dig that outhouse on a tight schedule. It was more affecting then.

and most importantly…

If only Darien was still with them.

And Link is still the only one who cares that Darien died.

Suddenly… all their radios began screeching, as if some was trying to contact the, over the same frequency…

Lita had given her cats--all twenty-nine of them--her radio frequency so that they could contact her immediately in the event of an emotional crisis.

but that wasn't all that was happening.

“Look!” cried Mars.

Everyone looked in shock, and deepest of surprise. The Armadillo was magically reconstructing itself. With a new drill head, new transmission and everything.

Why?

Because fuck you, that's why!

Link and the Scouts looked at Zelda, but she wasn't doing it.

“What's going on here?” asked Estevan.

You just know that it's Davis and Kari. Somehow. Someway.

Suddenly, the Six Medallions in Link's rest-stone, and the Scout's chests began glowing with their respective color.

“Master?” cried Mars.

“What's happening?” added Jupiter.

If I see an author's note telling me to picture something from the goddamn Power Rangers movie...

Link didn't know, but as he looked up toward the direction of where Ganon's castle was, everyone looked with him and saw six colored lights, and one bright light drifting slowly towards them.

I mean, with most stories, I wouldn't have to be worried about being blasted with Power Rangers rip-offs left and right, but this isn't most stories!

“What are they?” asked Venus.

As they got closer, the figures began to come into picture, and finally. Link realized who it was. He threw his fist up in the air, “YEAH!!!” and everyone else began cheering.

It was the Six Sages themselves… and the other figure… it was Tuxedo Mask, he was alive! “MASTER.” he called down.

[b]Darien: I'm totally dea--wait. Wait! No, what's the other thing?

Serena: Alive?

Darien: Shut up, bitch! I'm talkin' to Master!

When the others had brought down the barriers, being sages reborn, they gave the sage's spirit's new lives.

How does that make sense? If they're the sages reincarnated, then their very existence negates that of the Legora sages. The power of the sages can't be divided between two different generations, right? This didn't make sense on Buffy fourteen years ago, and it doesn't make sense now.

Now the six sages were back, and as an extra treat, they brought back the Armadillo and Darien.

And how does that make sense?! Did they just decide to bring Darien's soul back with them? Did they reconstitute him in a new body? Were they able to do that because he had a soul? Fantastic! So does the Armadillo have a soul too?!

More cheer, and jumps for joy followed as the Sages, who also had bubble-suits,

I'M GOING TO HAVE YOUR HEAD FOR THIS, MYKAN!

and Darien neared the drill site.

“Link… Zelda!” cried Saria.

“Hey, Link… What's up, brother!!”

“Requesting clearance to land.” Ruto called in Jupiter's voice.

why would she be speaking in jupiter's voice if she is the sage of water and jupiter's patron sage is forest

for that matter why does the catalyst speak in jennifer hale and mark meer's voices

Speed and Estevan didn't know whither to be shocked or amazed. “Aliens… real-live aliens.” cried Estevan.

“Well I'll be damned.” added Speed.

Sure, they aren't green or sexy--well, Saria's green, and depending on what you're into, she might be the other thing too...

The both of them came to when they heard Link shout. “Hey… Get that bomb out of there, and let's finish this hole!!

The Sailor scouts cheered their lungs out,

Making quite a mess in those bubble suits of theirs.

and Renee, on the shuttle, relayed the good news to Houston.

“Houston. You're not going to believe this, but the Armadillo has been repaired, and is fully operational. Drilling is about to recommence.”

She could hear everyone cheering over the radio, and then she went outside to meet their new teammates… the Six sages.

Darien and Sailor Moon collided into each other in a huge embrace, and Sailor Moon was so happy to have him back, she couldn't help but cry.

Oh, right, put on a big show now that he's back. Lying, two-faced harpy...

While the sages all touched down on a small hilltop. “Hello Link.” said Rauru.

“Did you miss us, kid?” Nabooru asked.

This being a Mykan fanfic, Nabooru no doubt said the above line while snapping her fingers from side to side and sliding her head horizontally upon her neck. Possibly accompanied by a gospel choir.

Link stood before them all. “Sages. In 10,000 years, I've got just six words to say to you.” and those words were. “Damn glad to see you guys!”

Ruto: That's it? Ten thousand years, we've been waiting, and the best you could do is "Damn glad to see you guys!"?!

Link: W-well, I think the sentiment is what matters--

Darunia: I'm gonna get sentimental on your ass with my foot, you half-assed little weasel! C'mon, Sages, let's get out of here. Leave these cocknuggets to their own devices. Bet you're "damn sorry" to see us go, huh?!

The sages smiled, “Same to you too, dear.” said Impa.

“Zelda, walk them down.” replied Link.

Link, this isn't the time for a mass wedding, and Zelda is probably not an ideal best man.

“Sailors, prepare to recommence drilling.”

Saria climbed into the Armadillo. She wasn't too small to reach the pedals on the floor and see out the view-port. “Okay… where's this hole you need dug?”

Now they had to work seriously.

Which implies that they weren't taking their world-saving assignment seriously to begin with.

They only had a little over an hour to finish the hole, drop the bomb, and clear out. This time however, the sages wouldn't be to bring the Armadillo back or anyone else lost.

...Why not? They could bring Darien back to life without trying, or even realizing that they were doing it.

Not if they wanted to do the next bit of helping.

“Okay… put it down here.” said Nabooru as she helped Mars and Jupiter drill the sockets into place.

Alright, the Scouts and Link have trained for this mission. But the Sages have literally been dead for ten thousand years, and when they were alive, the technology used to build the Armadillo was fantastic beyond their imaginations. Unless Nabooru took auto shop in high school too, that is...

“Tractor full.” Venus said.

“Transmission ready.” added Ruto.

Saria started up the systems, and the Armadillo was ready. “Arm coming down.” She called.

Rosia's railroad crossing arm impression is active, repeat, active!

Link went around telling everyone to stay focused. “We've got 250 to go. It's our last transmission; last drill head!”

Saria lowered the arm into he hole, and Darunia and Mars helped lift the pipe to extend the reach. “You get those, I'll get these.”

You know, in theory, "astronauts go into space to dig a hole" sounds like a...cripplingly terrible idea for a movie, but in practice, it's actually a lot worse.

“Right.”

The pipes were hooked up. “Drive it on down, Saria.” called Darien.

While they worked on the hole.

While the pre-teen girl drove on down the hole.

Zelda, Impa, and Rauru put the next bit of their plan into action. “All right… let's do this.” said Zelda.

The Armadillo exploded, killing Darien a second time. Zelda, Impa and Rauru threw up their arms and fired sparkly confetti into space that read "SEE YOU, SUCKERS!" and vanished into the darkness of the void.

Using their powers, and Mercury, and Renee's deductions. They began taking the Light Shuttle, and the remains of the courage shuttle and combining them both to make a whole new shuttle.

You can totally cannibalize two highly advanced spacecraft--without any prior training in the construction of spacecraft--within the span of an hour, with enough left-over time to fight a giant pig monster.

One that would give them all a lift off the Asteroid.

“Impa, the Right engine hub.” Said Mercury. “Watson, let's get those couplings hooked up.”

Watson: Right away, Holmes.

The shuttle, which they decided to name, Lightage,

They named it after Amy's favorite brand of low-fat breakfast sausage.

was already nearing completion. It was simply a matter of working on the insides now, and getting the systems ready.

While Renee went inside to do that, the others went over to help with the hole. “How's it coming?” asked Impa.

“Saria, how deep are we?” Link called.

How deep is your hole, pre-teen girl?

“We're at 970 feet!” Saria answered.

Just 30 more feet to go, but suddenly.

POW!!”

Batman, dammit, the Silver Age ended a long time ago! Okay?! Just...just go back and stand in the corner, alright? I'll deal with you later. Christ.

Just like before, the ground began quaking, a bad wind storm came and blew rocks all over, and fiery-gas was shooting out through the hold again.

Oh no, Mars's hole is flaring again!

A few of the scouts and sages fell very, and Saria was being rocked about in the cockpit. “Methane… shut it down! Back it down!” cried Link, but Saria didn't do it.

Being a pre-teen elf from a medieval society with no concept of methane and no idea what the Periodic Table was, she didn't have a clue what the fuck Link was talking about.

“We can't pull back, or the bit will get lodged. We don't have enough time!”

The ground quaking got more violent, and so did the storm and gas.

This reminds me of the time Mykan went onto a chatbox full of teenage girls to tell them about his terrible flatulence. True story. I wonder if this was inspired by a similar occurrence?

“Whoa, whoa, whoa… it's going to blow!” cried Mars.

(Song sung by Sailor Mars)
MARS:
Whoa whoa whoa, it's going to blow!
After all this time, we got nothin' to show
The world's gonna end; no mo' gettin' to bend
For my Master's jizz-blaster; no more bein' his ho!

JUPITER and VENUS:
No more bein' his ho, we got nothin' to show
For our mission, like fission, our atoms be splittin'

MARS:
Inta space, what a waste, what a lame way to go

EVERYONE:
'Cuz this asteroid we're on is-a goin' ta blow!

Hey Mykan, you need someone to write the songs in your fics for you? Lemme warn you now, though; I don't work cheap.

Darien looked fiercely at Saria inside. “It's how I got lost the first time!” but still Saria didn't back it down and just kept right on drilling.

“I know that, but we have to keep on trying, it's our only hope!”

Now Link was getting mad. “Saria, this is our last transmission.” he said. “We won't get another chance.”

“FOR GOODNESS SAKES LINK!!” Saria yelled. “I'm not just a sage, I'm your friend, and if there's one thing friends do… IT'S TRUST EACH OTHER!!”

Here's Dakari-King Mykan, advertising the magic of friendship in 2007. Five years later, he will throw the most epic, fandom-related temper tantrum in history and argue against that very ideal.

Hindsight is a funny thing.

Also, Saria, it isn't a matter of trust, it's a matter of you not understanding concepts like gas pressure and explosions and shit. Would you hop down from there and let someone who's actually qualified to operate heavy machinery--wait, none of you are qualified.

Can you all just die? Now? Please?!

Link didn't know what to do now.

Hey, since Sage Magic can apparently do...well, anything, why don't the six thirteen sages just gather in a circle and...you know, magic the hole drilled? Sure, it deviates from the Armageddon storyline, but anything's an improvement over that. And Mykan gets to write a contrived miracle into his fanfic, so everybody wins!

“Master…” Jupiter said angrily. “It's going to blow!!”

Don't you mean "WHOA WHOA WHOA IT'S GOING TO BLOW!"?

“Link, I know we can do this… just trust me!” cried Saria.

“All right, Saria…” Link said. “… Make the call!”

Saria was silent for a moment and then got her act together. “All right hold on… it's pushing through!” she called.

Saria's eyes widened; death had dulled her memory of pooping. But now, there, sitting in that space shuttle, she felt her bowels moving of their own accord...

Everyone began pitching in. Grunting and growling to hold the Armadillos steady under the pressuring of the ground and wind storm.

“It's going through!” replied Saria.

“What's your depth!” asked Mercury.

Saria called out her readings as they came to her. “975… 980!”

“Pick it up, baby. Ram it home!” shouted Nabooru.

Ram it into the hole, pre-teen girl!

More grunts and growls followed as everyone went nuts to hold everything together. “Drive it down Saria.” cried Sailor Moon.

985 feet…

“Come on… we're almost there!” cried Zelda.

991 feet…

Saria was really being rocked about now in the cockpit, but keeping her min don her work. “Nine-Ninety-Two!!”

“Nine-Ninety-Five!!”

Speed and Estevan couldn't believe it, they were going to make it.

“Nine-Ninety-Seven!! …Ninety-Eight… NINTEY-NI-I-I-INE!!”

If it seems like I don't have anything to say, that's only because I really do not have anything to contribute to this scene. Hope it sends soon.

Link shot up his head and shouted out loud and clear… “BREAKTHROUGH!!”

“ONE-THOUSAND!! TEN-OH-TWO, LINK!!”

Everyone's faces just burst into huge smiles of triumph, as Link threw his fist high into the air.

And Link put his hands up, they're playin' his song, the butterflies fly away!
He's noddin' his head like yeah.
Movin' his hips like--

“YEAH!!!”

...Like that.

“YAY… WE DID IT!!” cried Saria.

The Sages and the Sailor Scouts broke into a wild explosion of cheers, joyous cries, and leaps of victory.

“YES… YES… HA, HA!!”

“WE DID IT!! WE DID IT!!”

In all the cheering, and Zelda jumping into his arms. Link shot Saria a huge thumb up.

First Link flings his hand into space, and now he's shooting his digits at people. I think Link might be Android 16.

“Hey kid… way to go!”

“I knew it! I knew it!”

At Houston…

Everyone was very relieved, and pleased that the hole was finished, but all of them knew this was no time to be cheering.

For once, NASA displays professionalism that distinguishes them from the trained monkeys they sent into space.

“It's not over until we get the bomb down that hole.” cried Yamato, and they only had less than forty minutes to go.

Back at the drill site…

Link and the others had wasted the remainder of their time on a premature celebratory circle-jerk, and the Earth was doomed.

TIME TO ZERO BARRIER

38min… 42 sec…

TIME TO IMPACT

4 hrs… 35 min… 42 sec…

Everyone was working hard, Dismantling the pipes, and clearing up the drill site. Preparing for evacuation.

...Can't they just leave? Now? I don't think NASA is going to begrudge their leaving behind millions of dollars of equipment if it was the cost of saving the world from--nah, I just remembered that Congress exists. Yeah, better not waste a dime of taxpayer money, folks.

“Hey, Link… is it ready yet.” asked Speed.

Link looked up from his work. “I'm going to need a couple more minutes.” he said.

Link: EasyBake ovens are convenient, but even they have limits.

“There's a bent pipe jammed in the hole, we can't send the bomb down until we cut it out of there.”

Saria, since she was small, and didn't weight as much. She was going to be sent down through the hole to cut the pipe. “I'm all set.” She said. “Lower me down.”

oh would you just

just

just END already

stop manufacturing dilemmas to prolong the conflict

stop subjecting us to transparent reversals and mediocre attempts at building tension

just END the shoddy asteroid sequence and auger this bitch in for a landing

As they all worked… none of them realized that danger was lurking close to them As an evil figure was grunting and groaning as he limped his way towards the drill site.

“Mmm, hmm, mm, mm, ah, ah, ah!!”

I thought he was grunting and groaning. Not slurping down a bowl of delicious Gerudo-style goulash.

Saria was lowered down into the hole by harness ropes. “Make it fast Saria… the clock is ticking.” called Jupiter.

“I'm going as fast as I can.” Saria called up as she began electric-cutting.

WHY DOES A PRE-TEEN ELF FROM A MEDIEVAL SOCIETY KNOW HOW TO--"electric-cutting"? Is that--what? What does that--how--nah. Doesn't beat "giant spinner-flipper wheel on a super-fast-spinning-going-round-about-device."

“There's a lot of gas pressure down here.”

Suddenly… there were huge explosions coming from the far side of the Asteroid, and rocks were flying everywhere. “Hey… does anybody else feel that?” asked Ruto.

Everyone looked around, and saw huge fiery-rocks and boulders were flaying everywhere and crashing near the drill site. “Well this is something new?” said Darien.

And they already have something blue (Amy), something borrowed (the script for Armageddon) and something old (the timeframe that this mock encompasses). You can get that mass wedding going anytime now, Link!

“Hey… what's happening up there?” Saria asked.

Everyone watched in horror as a huge rock storm began to come into the picture.

"Come into the picture". Mykan literally thinks of prose as a film without the actual film.

I think that's a rather nice insight into his thought process.

“I don't think this rock likes us.” said Link.

“That's because it knows we're here to kill it.” said Navi.

This went absolutely berserk. As the rocks slammed into the ground causing explosions, and eruptions knocking everyone off their feet, and damaging the equipment.

“Whoa! Ow!”

“Watch out!”

“Oh, boy… they're everywhere!”

That must be the equipment talking.

This was probably even worse than it was trying to escape from the castle before it exploded.

Yeah, keep telling yourself that you're better at building tension than Ocarina of Time, Mykan.

“Saria! Hurry, get out of there!” Sailor Moon called.

“I'm through…” Saria cried. “I got the pipe, get me out of here. This gas is blowing like crazy!!”

Mykan must've eaten another box of Kraft Dinner.

But as they began to pull her up. “Look out… it's a hydrogen pocket!!” cried Mercury. Then Saria's rope snapped, and… POOF!!

She flew right out through the hole like a cannonball. “WHOA… HELP!!”

“SARIA!!” cried Jupiter and she stretched her Vines out. Saria was barley able to grab them before she flew off into space.

“Help! Pull me in! Pull me in!! AAH!!”

Jupiter, Link and Zelda pulled her back in, and she landed with a thud.

At terminal velocity.

The rocks kept on going. Slamming against mountain sides creating avalanches, and sending huge chunks down.

“Quick… we've got to secure the bomb.” cried Speed.

Estevan looked up. “Speed! Head's up!” he cried as he ran over to help him, but…

“Estevan… get out of there!” Darunia called…

Estevan looked up just in time to see a rock coming right at him. “Uh-oh!” The rock smashed right into him sending him flying hard backwards and landing on a pile of jagged rocks.

Uh-oh, Mykan's performing an ethnic cleansing of the cast! Quick, Nabooru, run while you still can!

Then it got even worse as another rock slammed into a huge, jagged pillar sending it rolling down the hillside and towards Link and Zelda. “LOOK OUT!!” Link cried.

“JUMP!!” shrieked Zelda.

They evaded the rock, but now it was heading straight for Sailor Moon and Darien. “Hang on, you guys!” cried Darunia.

He rushed over and used his super strength to push the boulder out of the way. “I can't believe that just happened!” cried Darien.

The storm had finally stopped, and the drill site was a mess, but so far no severe damage, at least not to the equipment and the bomb.

“Zelda… are you all right?” Link asked as he helped her up.

“Y-y-yes… I am.”

The sages were okay, the Scouts were okay… Speed was okay too. “You all right Darien?”

“Yeah… I am.” Darien said as he looked over behind him, at Estevan's body that had been speared with jagged rocks, and his suit torn wide open, b his body all cold and bruised. “But we lost Estevan.”

Mercury scanned Estevan's body. “Its true… he's gone.”

Ah, that's okay. He was ethnic, and therefore expendable.

Everyone was most unhappy, they had already lost good people, how much more could they take.

Don't worry. The Sages can always bring him back to life later.

For some reason.

“I wonder where that rock storm came from.” asked Mars.

Then suddenly… the entire Asteroid was surrounded by a huge fire barrier. “What?! Where did this come from?” asked Speed.

Are you really looking for a semblance of structure or reason in this story, Speed? After everything we've been through just to get to this point? Well, I envy your optimism, if nothing else...

Suddenly, Link and Zelda saw their Triforces glowing, detecting danger, and then, Navi began shuddered in super fear at what she saw... or whom she saw.

“N-n-no… it can't be!”

Everyone turned and saw him. “No!” cried Sailor Moon. “I-I-1t's…



I RAB YOO TOE DOE EE-TAY, KOY NO OYEEEEE~

GANONDORF!!”

The vile, evil King had survived from the destruction of his castle and now stood before everyone, not needing a bubble-suit,

Silly reader; things don't need reasons to happen in this story!

and thirsty for payback.

“You're dead!” he snapped. “And I think I shall start with the little firefly first!”

You canceled Firefly?! You son of a bitch! Kick his ass, Link!

He raised his hand, and Navi was being lifted high up into the air. “NAVI!!” Link cried. “NO! NOT HER, GANONDORF!!”

Everyone watched in horror as Navi's little body began to swell up like a balloon. “LINK… ZELDA!!!”

I want to create Mykan Rip-Off Bingo. You get cards with source material printed in each of the cells beneath each of the letters--Dragon Ball, Power Rangers, the work of Michael Bay, obscure 80s cartoons that nobody cares about--and, well, you see where I'm going with this.

Sorry; after five years of this story, it's getting difficult to come up with new was to call out Mykan's plagiarism.

KAPOW!! She was gone!

Everyone's faces were twitching with sadness and horror. “He… he killed her!” cried Sailor Moon.

“No, man… not, Navi!” cried Nabooru.

I'm sorry; shouldn't that read "Naw, brah! Not Navi, dawg! That's wiggidy-whack, G-dorf! I'mma beat'cho ass, like in da HOOD!" and be followed by an unnecessary sequence where Nabooru raps for twenty minutes straight?

Zelda's eyes blazed with anger and mixed with sadness. “You!! How did you survive the explosion?! ANSWER ME!!”

“Hmm, mm, mm… simple.” said Ganondorf. “Because I still have… this.” he raised his hand to show everyone…

Remember the prelude to the battle with Ganon in Ocarina of Time?

There was no dialogue. No expository villain speech. No asinine Dragon Ball Z rip-off. Ganondorf just appeared, panting heavily, eyes glowing, held up his hand, and transformed into Ganon. That sequence was effective because, by that point, there was no need for words. Ganondorf was beyond them. He was just angry--anger, incarnate, even--and his wordless demeanor and transformation conveyed that perfectly. Underneath all the trappings of the king of Hyrule, underneath all the pompousness and self-congratulatory speechifying, there was just pure, undiluted anger.

So, naturally, Mykan decided to fuck that up by making Ganondorf act like a hammy Saturday morning cartoon villain. Again. Like we haven't had enough of that yet.

“The Triforce of Power?!” cried Jupiter. “No! It can't be.”

“Yeah… I saw… we pulled that thing right off of him.” added Mars.

No, see, you're supposed to stab a lit cigarette into it, so that it releases its grip on you, before you pull it off. I'll bet you didn't do that, did you? See, that's what you did wrong. Didn't any of you play Metal Gear Solid 3?

Link took out the one he grabbed and realized it was a fake, that just crumpled into dust. “You… you were planning this all along, weren't you.”

“Of course I was.” said Ganondorf. “Did you honestly think I would just lie there on the ground with my precious Triforce exposed for you to take?”

Ganondorf went on saying that he made copies of the Triforce of Power, which he used to deceive his enemies, whole the real Triforce remained inside him all along.

This is so stupid and unnecessary that it hurts me, physically, to read it. On the other hand, it is kind of funny how Ganondorf subverts Mykan's traditional formula of having things like Triforces and nuclei be easily knocked out of/off of a person's body, so there's that. Points for originality.

“You… your sick and twisted!” growled Sailor Moon “You Bile Beast!!”

Serena knows that gallbladders are Ganondorf's true berzerk button.

Ganondorf's eyes twitched, and his evil smile widened as he hoped down from the hill. “A beast am I?” he mocked. “Perhaps you like to see how BEAST-LIKE I CAN BE!!”

With those words he leapt up into the air, and burst out into bright lights.

Oh no. I've seen this before, in Star Trek. They couldn't afford a villain suit for Ganon, so they rendered him as a bright, flashing light and told the audience to just pretend that he was a monster. Elaan of Troyus, all over again...

“What's he doing now?” asked Mercury.

“I think… we're about to find out.” added Rauru.

As long as it puts an end to the Armageddon crap, he can do whatever he likes. The Power Rangers movie is preferable, at this point.

TO BE CONTINUED…

Serena: We are gathered here today to bid farewell to the worst boss anybody could ever ask for.

Rei: He was rude, conceited, self-obsessed, and gave terrible head.

Lita: Yeah, all things considered, Master was never really much of a lover.

Mina: Gosh, I can't believe we were ever so hung up on him, when he wasn't hung at all? Geddit? See what I did there?! Ah, Amy would have thought it was funny.

Serena: And now, we commit thy body to the Earth. From ashes, you were born, and to ashes, you shall return. Amen.

All: Amen.

Serena: Well, that was depressing. Anybody want to indulge in some mindless hedonism to get the taste of funeral out of their mouth?

Mina: Do I ever!

Lita: ...Hey, guys, whatever happened to that asteroid that was about to hit the Earth? Did that ever get taken care of?

Serena: Oh. Uh. Yeah. We just sort of forgot about that, didn't we?

Rei: Yeah, but no worries. I'm sure that'll take care of itself one way or ano*KABOOM*

[Nihilistic One]

Whaddya know, you updated again. So close to the end . . .

[Badass Overlord]

That song that you came up had me laughing so hard.