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> Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale, More like "A retard tale"
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post Oct 13 2016, 06:29 PM
Man I love Final Fantasy VI. Ever since I first played it when I was nine years old and first discovered emulators, to buying it legit on the GBA years later, it was a dope ass game. Of course, being a 90s Kid™ I also got to experience all of the hype of arguing who would win in a fight between Shadow and Magus, and listening to bomb-ass midi versions of the OST while browsing various turn of the century gaming fan forums and cheat code websites. That and downloading DBZ wallpapers is pretty much all I used the Internet for until non-dial-up Internet made porn videos of all different variety and subject matter available.

I'm not bringing this up as some oldfaggish misty-eyed remembrance of how video games were just so much better back during The 90s™. If there's one thing any fansite or forum I went to talked about as much as the possibility of reviving General Leo, it was the concept of the "novelization." These games were so good, and their stories SO DEEP™ that obviously they could only be better if you made them into a book, despite history showing that video games make terrible books. How cool would it be, though, to be able to go to Barnes and Noble, raise your nose at common trash like A Farewell to Arms and Slaughterhouse Five, and pick up a novel about Final Fantasy VI? That'll show mom and dad that I'm APPRECIATING ART, and not wasting my life playing video games!

A while ago, I mocked A Step Onto Chronos, an attempted novelization of Chrono Trigger with the twist that the author thought it would be much more mondo cool to add himself and his original characters to the story. The result was a mish-mash of poor dialog and science fiction references while his overbearing self-insert ruined any sort of narrative flow. Today, I am mocking Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale, another novelization in which the author decides to shoehorn in his original character. The result is...well, you'll find out.

My comments in red, the author's text in


Draconis: Hm...no one to talk to.

Remember how fanfic authors sometimes write skits where they interact with the characters at the beginning and ending of their chapters? We're bringing that back, baby.

Voice: How...disappointing for you. Ha ha...ha ha...ah ha ha ha! !

Draconis: That voice...i-it cannot be!

Voice: Ah yes it is I! Kefka Palazzo!

Draconis: Ah...

Kefka: Hm? What is it boy? Paralyzed with fear?

Draconis: Fuckin' sweet! My favorite Final Fantasy villain!

Draconis: And look! I just happened to have fallen in a precarious position over the edge of my bed! I hope no one takes advantage of this situation!

Kefka: Huh? Say what now? You're not scared?

Draconis: Hell no!

Kefka: Well son of a bitch! I hate...HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE failing to scare up a new dummy!

Man, remember when Kefka shouted "hate" repeatedly in the game? THAT'S HAPPENING NOW! Whoo!

Draconis: Ah don't worry about it. I don't scare easily. (Thunder) Oh shit!

Kefka: (amused) Don't scare easily huh?

Draconis: (glare) Dammit. Anyway I wanted to write a Final Fantasy VI fic after taking the time to beat the game.

Truth: (exasperated)(irritated)(perspirated)(consternated)(conjugated)

Kefka: You make it sound like you've done it for the first time recently.

Draconis: What? As a kid I blew right through the game without taking the time to level causing me to get stuck at the friggin Floating Continent.

Kefka: Ah yes...the Floating Continent. Lemme guess the Atma Weapon?

omg gaiz teh atma weepan is so hard 4reelz!!

Draconis: How'd you know? !

Kefka: Call it a hunch. Now get started fool!

The role of Kefka in this fic will be played by Mr. T.

Final Fantasy VI A Story Retold

Chapter 1

Found in an Unfamiliar World.

Draconis: Begin.


[Proceed] {Initiate} ~Commence~

Three large mechs marched through a field as a blizzard blanketed the area. One of the mechs walked ahead of the the other two. The pilot of the middle mech was a young woman with green hair done up into a ponytail in the back. The front portion of her hair covered her temples and hung down to her neck. She wore a dark red strapless dress that cut off at mid thigh with a slit at the side cutting up to her waist. She wore matching stockings that cut off just past the knees and white heel boots On her head was a ring like crown with a jewel standing out in front on her forehead. She had a neutral blank look on her face.

That's about my reaction from a very typical paragraph of describing a character just by their clothing.

Behind her on the same mech was a young man wearing a dark red vest with a sleeveless shirt under it. He wore a pair of gray jeans. His face had a single scar on the left eye which had a blue iris.

In short, he's the posterboy for a turn-of-the-millennium Goo Goo Dolls tour.

His hair was red in color and hung down past his neck. To their left and right piloting the other ­­­mechs were two soldiers in school girl uniforms.

The man looked up at the sky. The girl turns toward him. "What is it Kenshin-San?"

As much as I would love it to be the case, no that is not Kenshin Himura. He just looks exactly like a modern day version of him.

Also he sucks.

"It's nothing Terra, but something about this job Gesthal gave us bugs me." Kenshin says. "Usually he sends an entire platoon to retrieve an esper."

"Could it be because we're using Magitek armor?" Terra asks.

Kenshin shakes his head. "Even then." "He would send a platoon in case the esper lashed out."

Or maybe he wouldn't, and you're being a nosey nelly.

"Hey General!" "Are we almost there? !" The man to their left asks.

"Narshe is a little further ahead Vicks!" Kenshin says. "Have some patience!"

"And if you ask me if we're almost there one more time, I'm turning this whole platoon around and going home."

"Well we're anxious to get out of this blizzard." The man to their right says.

"I know what you mean Wedge." Kenshin says. "But it could be worse!"

This could be a Mermaid Melody fandub!

"We could be accompanying that jester look-alike Kefka to Figaro!"

"Right? !" Wedge laughs.

Kenshin shakes his head as the two men cackle and turns to Terra.

Fuck them for laughing at your joke, yeah?

"Are you cold?"

"It doesn't bother me Kenshin-San." Terra replies tonelessly.

Kenshin sighs. "OK if you say so." Looking up at the sky he goes into thought. "It's been about three years since I appeared in this world." "I'm betting people back home think I'm dead." "Well...I've investigated every possibility into returning home and it turns out I'm stuck here." "With no way of being able to return to my family and friends."

I love the concept of interdimensional travel in self/OC-insert fanfiction. It's so random and contrived, which world the character gets sent to, and it just happens to be the world of the author's favorite book/anime/ game/scatophilia video.

He inwardly sighs. "Not that I could return knowing what's going on in this world." "This woman in front of me is Terra Branford...a half esper half human being that was by all means enslaved by the empire of Vector." "As for me my name is Kenshin Kuroshi." "I somehow appeared here one day while I was sleeping and was quartered into the Imperal Army of Vector." "It was around this time I met Terra."

Who the duck are you talking to? Is this some sort of Frank Underwood-esque monologue to the audience?


Three years ago.


-Michael Scott.

"So you're my new recruit?" A man with short blonde hair that seemed to stand up straight and point out forward.

A mohawk. What you described is called a mohawk.

He also wore a light greenish jacket with gold trimming and gold shoulder guards. On his wrists was large golden bracers. Accompanying this was a skintight suit of the same color a pentagram necklace with a black mini and pointy high-heeled boots.

"I guess so." Kenshin says. "Sorry I don't believe I got your name."

"Ah." "Where are my manners." He says extending his hand. "My names Leo."

"No last name?" Kenshin asks.

"Nah." "Don't know it." Leo says.

Even ignoring the enormous stupidity of not being able to use Google in 2011, how could you ever, ever write that a character doesn't know their own last name?

"And you are?"

"Er...Kenshin Kuroshi." Kenshin answers. "Nice to make your acquaintance."

"Likewise." Leo says. "So what's with the staff?"

"Oh it's just a bo staff." Kenshin says taking it out and spinning it a couple of times, smacking the recruits to his left and right in the face.

"Nice choice of weapon." Leo comments.

"I'm looking to install a small serrated edge onto it that sends a dose of poison into my enemies body." Kenshin says setting it back onto his back. Kenshin then took out a knife and cut his arm. Leo looked at him incredulously. "What are you doing?"

It's his five o'clock routine. He's got to find a way to impress the people from Dashboard Confessional somehow.

"Cure." Kenshin intoned. Leo's eyes widen as a green light shone over Kenshin's cut healing it instantly.

"W-Where did you learn to do that?" Leo stammers. Kenshin shrugs. "I dunno." "It just came to me." "I also have wings."

"My name is Main Character and here is everything that makes me a special snowflake."

"W-Wings? !" Leo shouts.

"Yeah." "Watch." Kenshin says closing his eyes. A pair of red scaled dragon wings sprouted from his back. Leo's mouth gaped open.

So the OC-insert can transform into a dragon. I'm not entirely convinced this dude isn't somehow related to BardicKnowledge.

"H-Holy crap." "He's like the half esper girl!"

"Uh Leo...close your mouth before a fly goes in." Kenshin says casing his wings. Leo shakes his head and sets his head on Kenshin shoulders.

Leo then sentenced him to 30 days in the brig for mouthing off to his superior.

"Kenshin you need to keep this a secret." "If anyone asks I put you up for magical infusion."

"Er OK." Kenshin says confused. "What's the big de-"

Kenshin was cut off as he and a girl bumped into one another. "Ouch." He says looking over at the girl. "Hey are you alright?" Kenshin asks.

What would've been nice is to have had, up to now, some sort of spacial and temporal idea of where the action is located. Otherwise, I assumed he was standing still (as people usually do when they talk to others) and the girl running into the main character trope was very confusing.

She nods. "I'm fine." Kenshin gets up and extends his hand to her. She takes it and pulls herself up.

"So what's your name?" "I'm Kenshin Kuroshi the new recruit." Kenshin says.

"Ichbad von Nutsack. No relation to the famous von Nutsack family."

"Terra." "Terra Branford." She introduces. Kenshin notices a lack of feeling in the introduction and in her voice in general. "Excuse me I need to be leaving." Terra says. Kenshin nods stepping out of her way.

It's been going on for a while now, but I've just now realized how he switched to present tense. It's illogical, at the very least, that present is used in flashbacks and past in "real time." I'm not sure what to make of that, except, obviously, that it's bad.

She walks away and Leo sighs. "That poor girl."

"What is it?" Kenshin asks. "She seems...kind of emotionally disconnected."

"Can you keep a secret?" Leo asks.

"Yeah sure I can." Kenshin says. Leo looks to the left and right and walks into a room with a cot.

Well I mean...Don't Ask, Don't Tell, I guess.

"This is your room." "What I am about to say will not leave here understand?"

"Roger." Kenshin says. Leo nods. "Very well." "That girl is half esper." "Espers as you heard earlier are beings and/or beasts of great magical prowess." "The emperor raided the esper's world with a large platoon of soldiers." "Killing her father the esper Maduin and leaving her mother for dead she was brought here."

And what is with the quotation mark frenzy you've got going on here? One set's fine for an entire line of dialog, you don't need to separate it for every sentence. God that's a pain to read.

Haha, look at me, attempting to give constructive criticism as if it'll matter.

Kenshin's eyes widen as a light gasp escapes his lips. "D-Doesn't she know?"

"Of course not." Leo says. "Her will isn't even her own." "Around the time she became a teenager she was fitted with a slave crown making her completely obedient to us."

Sitcom Dad: How much? [raucous laugh track]

"The Emperor's right hand man Kefka Palazzo is the man responsible for it." "He enslaved her against her will and had her assault and pillage numerous towns."

~~Just Girly Things~~

Kenshin scowls down at the floor remembering his run in with the jesterish looking man. Something about the man made his skin crawl. "Isn't there anything we could do?"

"Not really." Leo says. "Not without betraying the emperor."

"I see." Kenshin says. "Is that everything Leo-San?"

I almost might not care about the honorifics if they were 1) Logically used, 2) Consistent. It's like, I forget you use them completely, and then you make sure to smack me over the head to remind me just because.

"Yes." "I'll leave you to get situated." "If you find yourself in need of magic training seek out Celes Chere." "She's a young woman around your age, but she's a general just like me."

The Empire's Women in Magitek initiative seems to be a smashing success.

"Thanks." Kenshin says. Leo leaves and Kenshin lays down on his cot.

"Terra Branford huh?" Kenshin thought. "I'll find a way to set you free." "I know what it's like to be used."


All these ports of Final Fantasy VI, and you had to play me.

(flashback end)

"Unfortunately things didn't go quite as planned." "Palazzo kept Terra around like his own personal lap dog which irked me to no end." Kenshin thought. "The only thing I could think to do was ascend the ranks and become a general alongside Leo and Celes."

And you managed to go from "this dude that the army picked up off the side of the road" to full bird general in under three years. Yay contrivance!

"At least that way I could accompany Terra and make sure Kefka didn't overstep his boundaries."

"We're getting close." Terra says.

"Yeah." "This blizzard's starting to let up." Kenshin says. "How odd."

"Yeah it's snowing like crazy back here and ahead it's like there's nothing at all." Vicks says.

Good job, Vicks. You figured out how weather patterns work. I'd be so proud of you if you weren't about to die a gruesome death.

"Well maybe the storm is moving out of Narshe's area." Wedge suggests.

"I doubt it." Kenshin says. "We aren't coming in from the mountains and the only thing south of here is Figaro desert so wouldn't the snow turn to rain?"

I don't see what that has to do with where you are currently relative to the storm's location.

"It seems awfully convenient that the blizzard suddenly lightens up when we get close to Narshe's front door don't you think."

Or I guess you could just ignore anything you know about the weather and pretend to get one over on a game's logic. Why not? It's your wish-fulfillment.

"They know we're coming." Terra says.

"Fan-friggin-tastic." "Ok Vicks Wedge stay on alert." "We don't know how well they've prepared for us and I don't want to take a big risk."

"Sir." Vicks and Wedge say dutifullydoody-fully.

Kenshin leans forward setting his hand on Terra's shoulder. "Ready?"

"Yes." Terra responds.

Kenshin begins looking around as they get closer to Narshe. "What am I so worried about?" "We're in Magitek Armor and reports say that the Narshe Militia has been run down as of late."

Also you're an OC-insert main character, so there's literally no weapon that could hurt you too badly.

"Kenshin-San is everything alright?" Terra asks.

"Yes." Kenshin says. "I'm just wondering if I'm over thinking this."

"You're just following standard protocol." Terra says. "We don't know the situation and would rather get out of this without any casualties."

"I guess." Kenshin says. His eyes narrow hearing Vicks and Wedge whisper back and forth to one another. He closed his eyes as his ears shrunk into his head and two cat ears grew on top of his head.

Oh no, come on. What? Where the fuck did that come from? Aren't you supposed to be some kind of dragon?

"What is the General doing here?" "This job didn't require his services." Wedge says.

That's a brilliant question. The only real answer is that the author just wanted to make sure FFVI was as cool as it could be with not-Kenshin Himura leading the cast here.

"Didn't you know?" "He feels he needs to protect that sorceress." Vicks says.

Oh, you meant in-universe? The author needs him to be around Terra so they can bang.

"Seriously?" "That witch wiped out fifty of our magitek troops in just three minutes." Wedge replies.

"Don't let him hear you say that." "He was able to accomplish the same feat in four."

Does the Empire just keep a couple dozen magitek troops around for the generals to mass-slaughter at any given time?

"How do you think he made General so fast?" Vicks says.

8=====D O:

"I know." "There's a reason he's called the 'Demon of Vector.'" Wedge says.

And I bet it has nothing to do with his skills with Photoshop.

Kenshin opens his eyes as the cat ears shrink back into his head and human ears reappear on the sides of his head as they come upon a mountain outpost.

The mountain outpost was not thrilled with the sudden spray.

"We're here." Terra says.

"Hey why don't you two take point." "We'd rather not take any unnecessary risks." Vicks says.

Kenshin scoffs. "Whatever." "Terra let's lead the rookies to the objective."

Yeah man, screw the guys named Biggs(Vicks was a Woolsey mistranslation) and Wedge for not being suicidal for once.

Terra says nothing as the three mechs make their way forward. Not even ten steps into town and two guards run up to them. "Imperial Magitek? !" "Dammit not even Narshe is safe now!"

All those dirty migrants turned Narshe into a cesspool. #MakeFFVIGreatAgain.

"That's right boys." Kenshin says hopping off Terra's Magitek and setting his hand on his bo staff. "Lead us to the esper and you might just live."

"Go to hell!" "Attack!"

"One or the other!"

One of the guards rush toward Kenshin who closes his eyes. "Can't say I didn't warn ya." He swings the staff to the left breaking the guard's arm and sending him into the wall of a building.

"Next." Kenshin says.

The guard didn't have time to react as a dark red beam of energy shot out from behind him at his right. It died down and the guard was gone. "Hmph." "Nice work Wedge." Kenshin comments. "Vicks kill this one as well."

Slaughtering civilians. Our hero, ladies and gentlemen.

"Sir." "Bolt Beam Activate." "Fire!" Vicks shouts.

Kenshin closes his eyes as a electricity pulses toward the guard killing him instantly. "Move along."

Might be kind of impossible now, considering you just killed the dude.

The group makes their way forward. Kenshin hears barking and looks to his right two more guards with Lobo Hounds he saw making their way toward them. He jumped back onto Terra's Magitek. "I'll let you three handle this."

"Narshe's freedom depends on us!" The men shout releasing the hounds.

I hope those are the ones with bees in their mouth and they shoot bees at you when they bark. Nothing else is powerful enough to stop the mighty Kenshin!

"Terra." Kenshin says. "Use the Confuser on them."

"Yes." Terra says. Kenshin turns his head. "Vicks Wedge cover your ears."


A loud sound was emitted and the hounds suddenly turned and attacked the guards

Kenshin shook his head. "Too bad." "I guess a hungry dog isn't very much loyal at all."

That sentence was also not very much good at all.

The group continued onward. Suddenly a guard appeared behind them and another with a lobo in front.

"We have you now!" "Attack!"

Kenshin looked around. "We've been pincered."

Like a damn fiddle?

"Lovely." Kenshin says. "Vicks turn around and handle the man behind us. "Wedge Terra attack these two."

"Right." Vicks replies.

"Roger." Wedge says.

"Jawohl mein Fuhrer." Hitler hat geantwortet.

Terra merely nods as the line up in formation.

"You know what to do from here." Kenshin says, passing the mickey around.

"Ice Beam!" Vicks shouts as his armor fires off a blue beam freezing the guard to death.

"Fire Beam!" Wedge says moving in front of the Lobo Hound. The attack burned away the dog to nothing.

"Bio Blast." Terra says as a multi-colored cloud of gas pour out of the front of her armor. The guard choked to death and fell to the ground.

Fucking misogynistic scum.

"OK OK chop chop double time folks." Kenshin says hopping off the armor and dashing forward. Terra and the other follow.

Kenshin runs into two more guards with Mammoth like creatures. "We must protect these mines!"

"Some fools just don't learn." Kenshin says shaking his head. "Alright come on!"

One of the mammoths charge forward with the other close behind it. Kenshin assumes a power stance and catches the creature by it's tusks. "Rrrruuahhh!" He roars lifting it up much to the guards shock.

Hahaha. That's good. I like that. He can lift a mammoth with his own two hands. Because why not, right?

"What is this man?" One of them ask.

"That is no man...he's a monster!" The other says.

and then the other was the monsters.

Kenshin throws the mammoth onto the other and rushes forward spinning his staff. "Time to die." He rams the staff into the mammoth's chest and hovers his thumb over a button. Pressing it down the mammoth's body suddenly jerked and it's body collapsed. Pulling the staff away a short blade stood out at the end. Jumping over the first mammoth he drove the staff into the second one's throat killing it.

He smirked toward the guards. "Come atin me boys." "Come on it's not much fun if you cower so early."

"Rrrrraaahhh! !" The guards shout charging at Kenshin. Kenshin blocks an incoming sword swipe and grabs the blade tossing him into the air. A Fire Beam incinerated the man. Kenshin grabbed the other man by the face and drove him into the ground while making him squeal like a piggy.

He then held the blade of his staff at the man's throat. "N-No!" "P-Please spare me!"

Kenshin's eyes twitch. "Hm." "My apologies." "You're in the way of my mission." "I can't you running back to them." "Tis a shame." "If you had laid low you would have lived."

"It's a shame you defended yourself. Also, I'm the good guy."

Kenshin swiped the blade across the man's neck killing him. Flinging the blood off the blade he pressed the same button and the blade retracted back into his staff. "Sorry." "You have something to protect...well so do I."

Which would make sense as a motive were you not the aggressor.

"General!" "Why'd you just take off like that? !" Vicks asks.

"Because I'd like to get this over with now that we're here." Kenshin said. "Now then the esper's supposed to be in this mine up ahead." "Let's get moving." "And stay sharp." "The enemy is probably holed up in here."

The group made their way into the mine shaft and came up to a gate. Kenshin moved out of the way. "Vicks." "Take down this gate."

"Tear it down!" Kenshin repeatedly and passionately shouts.

"Leave it to me sir." Vicks says. He backs his Magitek up and rams the gate down. A guard ran out to meet them. "We will not hand over the esper!" "Whelk get them! !"

Kenshin's eyes narrow. "What are they doing with a lightning whelk?" He says to himself as a large snail like creature with a large purple shell slithered up to them.

Truly a dangerous beast with a description like that.

"Alright you three hit it with everything you can!" "And for god's sake do not attack the shell!" Kenshin shouts.

Kenshin turns back to the whelk as it lashes out at him. "Gah!"

The whelk's going through a very difficult period in his life right now. Please have patience.

"Tekmissile." Terra says as a single missile nailed the monster in the face.

Kenshin scowled beginning to chant a spell. "Fire 2!"

A column of white fire lashed out at the whelk hitting it successfully.

As opposed ot hitting it unsuccessfully. What's the word for that phenomenon...oh yeah, missing.

"Vicks Wedge beams now!" Kenshin shouts.

"Right!" "Ice Beam!" Both men shout marching up to the whelk firing their beams.

"I'm going to try to attack it once more!" Wedge says.

"Grrruuu..." The Whelk growls. Kenshin's eyes widen. "Wedge get back here it's going to retreat back into it's shell!"

"It was too late as his beam was fully charged.

Writes down dialog ideas for Final Fantasy themed porn.

"Fire Beam!"

"Oh...Bollocks." Kenshin says as the shell begins glowing. Lighting struck all four of them.

Oi m8 u kep dat up n ill smack u in da gabba i will

"Grah!" Kenshin shouted in pain.

"Dammit!" Vicks and Wedge both cursed.

Terra said nothing LIKE EVERY WOMAN SHOULD but her face contorted in pain.

"OK!" "Nobody fucking attack after the next goddamn wave!" Kenshin shouts as the Whelk comes out of it's shell.

Kenshin decided to kick Vicks and Wedge's dogs because he was just that mad.

"Yeeesss sir." Vicks and Wedge say.

"Terra fire another tekmissile." Kenshin says. "Vicks Wedge another round of beams!"

"Right!" The two soldiers yell. Terra nods and launches another missile into the Whelk's face.

Man, that poor whelk is just getting bukakked with magic right now.

"Fire Beam!" "Ice Beam!" Wedge and Vicks shout

"Fire 3!" Kenshin shouts as a dark red line of orbs collide with Whelk and explode.

The monster begins to melt away. Kenshin pumps his fist into the air. "Yeah!"

"Alright!" Vicks and Wedge cheer.

Terra as usual remained silent. Not even a smile tugging at her lips. Kenshin turns and notices this. "Ugh I gotta find a way to ditch the goon squad and take that crown off her."

But first more indiscriminate killing.

"Kenshin-San let's get moving." Terra says while the two men celebrate. "The esper should be ahead."

"Right." Kenshin says. "Hey Vicks Wedge quit making out and get the molasses out ya asses!"

Are you an ornery drill sergeant from the deep south or a charming limey bloke? Make a decision, author.

"G-General!" "We weren't making out!" Vicks says embarrassed.

Not that there's anything wrong with it if you had been.

Kenshin walks forward chuckling. "Yeah, but it got your attention didn't it?"

The four come up to an ice formation with a creature inside. "This must be it." Wedge comments.

Kenshin's stares at it in thought. "Tritoch?" "What's he doing here?"

That's where it always is? I don't get what you're questioning here.

A blue light emanated from it making a humming sound as it did so. "General Kenshin!" "Orders? !"

"Two large cheeseburgers, a medium fry, and a diet Pocky."

Kenshin grabbed his staff. "Get ready."

"What's the matter with this thing?" Wedge asks. "Does it know something we don't?"

A lot.

Terra walked up to it. "Terra?" Kenshin says walking up next to her. Tritoch begins emanating a strange light encompassing the four of them.

Kenshin looks down at himself. "What's going on?"

"H-Hey? !" "Where's this light coming from? !" Wedge asks panicking. "Ahhhhh! !" Wedge screams out as his armor explodes.

"Wedge!" Vicks says. "Ahhhh!" He screams as the same happens to him.

Well that's two loose threads tied up. Wonder why Kenshin's killing gets more description though.

Kenshin turned back. "Vicks!" "Wedge!" His eyes suddenly widen as he and Terra step back. "Wh-What's happening? !" "I-I can't c-control my body!"

Oh no. Tritoch has afflicted him with the dredded disease: Boogey Madness!

A blue aura surrounds Tritoch Terra and Kenshin. "You girl...I shall attune you to your esper heritage...and you boy...I will strip you of your power and strength."'

"What? !" He turns his head to see Terra's Magitek short-circuiting. He jumps up to it and grabs her out of the cockpit as it explodes. Kenshin slams into a wall carrying Terra.

What? Didn't you JUST say that you couldn't control your body?

"D-Dammit...getting...weaker." Kenshin says staggering to his feet with Terra in tow.

"You do not belong in this world boy...so I rid you of the power you brought to this world...you will attune yourself to the power of this world." "When you are ready come try to take it back." Tritoch says to Kenshin.

Good thing the author nerfed his main character, otherwise he could've been overpowered relative to the rest of the cast. AT LEAST THAT WON'T HAPPEN NOW, RIGHT?!

"What...?" "What do you...mean?" The glowing died down and Kenshin looked down at Terra. "Hey." "Hey come on." "Wake up." "Come on." "Do stuff."

Terra gave no outward response. Kenshin placed his fingers on the side of her neck. He felt a pulse and sighed. "Thank goodness." Reaching up he removed the slave crown on her head. "Now...let's get out of here."

Kenshin begins staggering out of the mine. "Dammit." "I...can barely hold myself up." "I at...least need to get out of Narshe."

They can't chase you if you cross county lines, after all.

"I doubt...my wings could support both of us." Kenshin says as they exit. His body convulsed and he hit the ground.

He hears footsteps and closes his eyes. "Here to do me in?" "Fine...just leave the girl."

"Kenshin-San?" A male voice sounds.

Oh good. Another honorific wielding douchebag.

Kenshin looks up as his vision blurs. "Who...are...you?"

He passed out as the man walked up to him. "What's Kenshin-San and the sorceress of the Empire doing here?"

Excuse me. I think you mean "The Sorceress of the Empire-San."

"Bah no matter." He grabs Terra and walks away with her.

"I'll be back for you."



Kenshin's still freezing to death in the cavern. The stranger didn't come back for him at all!

Kenshin's eyes snapped open. "Where...am I?"

An elderly man walked up to him. "Ah you're awake." "My name is Smith." (A/N: Just a name for the old man that saves Terra.)

The old man who's name is Arvis? That old man who saves Terra? The one who's name is not Smith? The same old man who has a much larger role in the plot later on down the line? The old man who's name is easily found online, which is the same platform you're publishing this on? The old man who's name you don't even need to commit that much energy to researching because his name is very clearly listed in game textboxes? That old man? Ok cool.

"Kenshin" Kenshin says.

I know who you are." Smith says. "You're Kenshin Kuroshi the 'Demon of Vector.'" "Also a member of the Returners."


Kenshin nods. "I see." "You must be a Returner yourself."

"Yes." "Banon told me you were one of us." Smith says.

Bullshit! How the fuck do you even try to rationalize this? How is anyone supposed to buy that he's both with the Empire and working with the rugged band of misfits that's trying to overthrow them? That's like if Darth Vader were part of the Rebel Alliance!

"Who is the girl accompanying you?"

"Her name is Terra." "She was under the control of the Empire thanks to this." Kenshin says holding up the slave crown. "I've been waiting to remove it and that girl is the only reason I didn't immediately defect."

So why did you do so much terrible shit, knowing it was wrong? You slaughtered how many soldiers in Narshe just a few pages ago? Yet now you want play some sort of conscientious objector card. Fuck your principles man, you ain't got none.

"I see." Smith says. "Well we are waiting on our associate to arrive here." "Although he doesn't know anything about the girl or your involvement with us so don't be surprised by his attitude."

"I see." Kenshin says getting up. He immediately grabs his head. "Nngh."

"Take it easy you've only just woken up." Smith says.

Oh man. That's the exact same dialog that happens in the real game, but with Terra. Glad to see this OC MC is going to steal spotlight again.

"I'm fine." "Where's the girl?" Kenshin asks.

"She's in the back room." Smith tells him. Kenshin nods and walks in. He finds Terra asleep. "Good...she's alright."

Terra's eyes open and she gets up. "Mornin' Sunshine." Kenshin says. Terra walks toward him only to fall to her knees. "My head hurts...badly."

Copy and paste. If only you hadn't already done that.

"Take it easy Terra." Kenshin says kneeling down next to her. "I only just removed this crown a short while ago."

"What is it?" Terra asks looking at the ring like object in his hand.

"It's a slave crown." "It's given people power over you." Kenshin says. "With it gone you are your own person again."

"And by your own person, I mean my person."

"Who are you?" Terra asks. "I faintly remember you from somewhere, but I can't place your name."

"It's OK." "The crown also gives it's wearer a slight case of amnesia when it's removed." "I'm Kenshin." He says smiling.

Terra looks up at him. She suddenly recalls a smiling face saying something to her. "Kenshin-San?"

No, he said "Kenshin." Just Kenshin. Goddamnit.

"He he." Kenshin laughs lightly. "Yeap." "It's me Terra."

So are you a charming limey bloke, a southern drill sergeant or Lenny from Of Mice and Men?

"What have I been doing?" Terra asks. "I can't remember it at all."

"It's not something I can explain right now." Kenshin says looking away. "I explain it when we leave town."

"Alright." "I-I understand." Terra says getting to her feet.

A loud canine barking was heard followed by. "Give us the girl the boy and the Magitek Armor."

Good title for an steampunk western movie.

"Open up we want the girl and boy!" "They're officers of the Empire!"

"Shit." Kenshin curses. Terra turns to him. "Empire?" "Magi...tek armor?"

Smith runs up to them. "No time to explain!" "Get out of here immediately."

But Smith Arvis was too late, and the bomb already detonated, killing everybody. The end.

"Right." "Terra follow me!" Kenshin says grabbing her hand and taking off out the back door. As they were crossing the bridge to a cave opening the militia soldiers took notice of them. "There they are!"

"No we aren't!"

"Oh, ok."

Kenshin cursed and dashed into the cave. He stopped and began panting. "Wh-What the?" "I'm winded already?"

"Kenshin-San are you OK?" Terra asks. Kenshin turns to her smiling. "Don't worry." "Just over extended myself is all."

"By running ten feet?" "God you're a pussy." Terra remarks.

"A-Alright." Terra says.

Kenshin walks forward. "We need to get moving." "We do not want those goons catching up to us."

I wouldn't worry about the goons. SomethingAwful has been kind of losing it's potency the past few years.

"Yes." Terra says walking behind him.

"Is this what Tritoch meant by ridding me of my power?" Kenshin thought. "By weakening my endurance?"

So now you're just like every other character, if every other character got gassed by walking short distances. So now you're just like the author.

"Terra you have a sword on you correct?" Kenshin asks.

"Yes." She replies. Kenshin nods. "Good." "I'm gonna need your help."

"Are you injured?" Terra asks. "I could heal you really quick."

"Nah." "I'll live." Kenshin says smiling.


Terra nods. "Ok if you say so."

The two make their way to the back of the cave when suddenly the soldiers surrounded them. "We have you now."

Kenshin set his hand on his staff as he and Terra stepped back. "What's the rush boys?" "I mean it's not like you have a lot to do?" Kenshin says.

I'm trying to think of how that one liner makes sense. You're mocking them for not having anything to do, which is dumb because obviously they're chasing you, but... I don't know. I just don't.

The two found themselves backed into a corner. "Screw it!" Kenshin moved forward as the ground shook. It gave way causing Kenshin and Terra to fall down a hole.

Well done.

"Dammit!" "Find them!" "And go contact the militia leader!" The leader of the group orders.

Kenshin and Terra hit the ground hard. "T-Terra...are you OK?" Kenshin asks.

"Y-Yes." Terra says as they both stagger to their feet.

"Good...No...now let's keep mov-" Kenshin says then falls to the ground.

On top of taking away his stamina, Tritoch also seems to have given Kenshin narcolepsy.

"K-Kenshin-San..." Terra says falling to the ground and passing out.

"Dammit...what the hell is going on?" "I can't even take a little fall anymore?" Kenshin thought going under.

"This isn't like back home where I dove headfirst into ravines for fun."


Terra was seated in a chair in a small room. Behind her was the jester looking man Kenshin had mentioned on the way to Narshe. His name was Kefka Palazzo. (A/N: I'd go nuts trying to describe his outfit.)

He's dressed like a court jester on steroids. There you go. That'll be $20. Paypal me some bitcoins.

"Ah my sweet little magic user!" "With this slave crown I practically own you!" "I could do anything to you without the barest hint of resistance!" Kefka laughed manically as he walked over to her. He set the crown on her head as her eyes dull and nods toward him.

It's a good thing you said all that shit about controlling her right before you started controlling her.

"Ha ha ha ha ha!" Kefka laughed.

Fast-forwarding a bit Terra was in an magitek armor surrounded by fire as three soldiers ran up to her. She made her way to the front soldier and killed him with Fire Beam.

"An magitek armor."

KefkaMandark walked up to the soldiers. "Ha ha." "Ha ha." "Ha ha ha ha! !" "That's good!" "Keep it up! !" "Set everything ablaze!"

Fast forwarding again

I'm sorry Draconis, is this your fanfic or some kind of VHS rip of your shitty fanfic?

Terra stood next to her magitek as Kefka Leo Kenshin and a woman with long blonde hair wearing a white jacket with a lime green one piece stood behind an elderly looking man wearing a black suit of armor with gold trimming with a jacket of the same color. "My soldiers!" "We stand on the edge of a great breakthrough!" "We are on the cusp of witnessing a complete revival of magic!" "This is our destiny!" "We must claim what is rightfully ours!"

I could make another Hitler joke, but I think the parallels are supposed to be there in this case.

Kefka Leo and the blonde walk up behind the man. "With our newfound power nothing can stand in our way!" He shouts as the three generals salute with the rest of the soldiers. Terra looked on ahead and noticed Kenshin smiling at her. She hears him say. "Terra." "I promise I'll set you free."

Man, shouting that right in front of a rally of loyal Nazis Empire soldiers seems like a terrible idea, and thereby definitely something Kenshin would do.

He begins joining in the salute. "Long live Emperor Gesthal and the Vectorian Empire!" He shouts getting everyone else going.

"Hurrah!" "Long live Emperor Gesthal!" The soldiers shout in unison.

(Flashback end)

"This was my past?" Terra wonders.

(break a leg)

Back at Smith's house

Smith was staring into the fire of his fireplace when suddenly the back door opened up. A man with short sliver hair wearing a black jacket and matching jean pants and a thong that said Simple Plan on the butt.

"Jeez took you long enough!" "Tell me Locke how's the thieving business working out?" Smith says.

The man shot Smith an annoyed glare. "That's TREASURE hunting!"

"Hah!" "Semantics Seblantics!" Smith says.

The original line, "semantic nonsense," was hardly anything to write home about, but at least it made sense and didn't make my skin crawl. Why did you choose to fuck that up?

"There's a huge difference!" Locke shouts. "Aaannnnyway...were you the guy who sent for me?"

"Yeah there is a girl and boy I'd like you to meet and escort." Smith says.

See, that's not even treasure hunting, that's straight up prostitution, Locke.

Locke rushes over to him. "This had better not have anything to do with that 'Demon' and the Magitek riding witch!"

Smith backs away and nods. "The Empire is pursuing them as we speak." "This town is no match for their full might." "Our survival's only hope is to align ourselves with the Returners." "The boy is a double agent in the empire and the girl was not responsible for her actions."

A judge and three expert defense witnesses say so.

"We must get them to the Returners."

The fact that he's an Imperial general and in the Returners is still fucking ludicrous. It'd be like having an MC in a Harry Potter fic being in both Gryffindor and Slytherin by some contrivance. Not that I doubt some hackish fanfic writer has done that already.

Locke backed away and nodded. "Alright." "I guess we can help them out."

Smith nods. "Right." "First after you've gotten them head toward Figaro and speak with their king." Locke nods taking off toward the cave where Kenshin and Terra ran off to.

(chapter end)

Kenshin: Kind of abrupt don't you think?

No, it was perfect timing. The fire I lit to immolate myself in had just started.

Draconis: Yeah, but I gotta stop somewhere.

Kenshin: So instead of having a chapter about the sole OC me. You're opting to do flashbacks.

It's like asking if you'd rather eat dog poo or Vegemite. Both are shit, but you have to choose.

Draconis: Yeah. Cause the focus won't only be on you. One of the things I loved about FF VI was how it transitioned between characters and made it feel like there was more than one main character. You hardly ever see that these days.

We'll see how long that strategy lasts.

Kenshin: Ah.

Draconis: So anyway if you didn't see it on the way in the pairings for this story will be Terra/OC Celes/? Not sure about who Celes should go with while the journey progresses. I mean her being paired with Locke is practically canon.

Kenshin: Why not pair her with Terra and I?

Because that's a ridiculous idea that even the most shameless fanfic authors aren't shallow enough to consider.

Draconis: It's an idea, but my other two stories had the main character in a harem sort of situation

...well then. Serves me right for overestimating you.

and I was kind of wanting to write a story where my OC is in an actual committed relationship with one person. I kind of wanted Celes to be a sister to you.

Kenshin: Oooohhh.

Draconis: Anyway to anyone who says he's overpowered Tritoch weakened him. More will be written on this later.

And just as much will be cared about by me.

Draconis678 out.

Good riddance. (Time of Your Life)

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Post #2

I'm very concerned.

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post Oct 16 2016, 02:15 PM
At first I gave out a relieved breath when I found the main character - unlike the one in 'A Step Onto Chronos' - was merely from another universe entirely and knew nothing of FFVI.
Then he sprouted dragon wings. Then he switched to cat ears and back. And then he was suddenly a murderous double agent, which was not explained in the exposition flashback that included internal narration, which still hasn't explained shit about who he actually is or where he came from. For unexplained reasons he can do the magic of this universe, gets told secrets the moment he shows up in front of the General, and he spent 3 years apparently doing nothing to free Terra from the crown, despite that being his intent. What?

I find it weird how this character has been used by the author. The introduction of his origin and his powers would have made me drop this story instantly, yet the author then seems aware of this and nerfs him, well after the point where someone will justify stopping reading this story. Robbing him of his powers, however, renders the previous stuff pointless. He might as well have been a random soldier originally from this world, and the end of the chapter would have been no different. I honestly think it would have been a better choice. I could imagine a challenging and intriguing spin on the story involving a soldier forced to defect and facing his previous actions and convictions in redemption, without having been under mindcontrol.

I wouldn't specifically call the main character unlikable just yet, but he certainly has no charm, either. Sadly, the author's narration style will likely not move to grant him any.

I'm looking forward to more of this being mocked, despite the fact that my knowledge and familiarity with FFVI is severely limited.

This post has been edited by ConcernedGamer: Oct 16 2016, 02:15 PM

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Post #3

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post Oct 16 2016, 07:07 PM
QUOTE (ConcernedGamer @ Oct 16 2016, 05:15 PM) *
I wouldn't specifically call the main character unlikable just yet, but he certainly has no charm, either. Sadly, the author's narration style will likely not move to grant him any.

Without revealing too much--there's some REALLY stupid shit incoming--the author is very inconsistent about what powers he has and doesn't have, and "Kenshin" is written in such a way that I can't believe he isn't the author with some thin veneering. At the very least, he's the author's image of what "cool" is. And that's all I'll say on that for now.

QUOTE (ConcernedGamer @ Oct 16 2016, 05:15 PM) *
I'm looking forward to more of this being mocked, despite the fact that my knowledge and familiarity with FFVI is severely limited.

I'll try to put in explanations whenever I need to. I probably sometimes take for granted that my intended audience is mostly nerds too.

(If you're interested in the game though, don't get the Steam version. Its artstyle makes me have to poop.)

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Post #4

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post Nov 10 2016, 08:52 AM
Just in case you didn't get enough of the author talking to his imaginary friends, every chapter in this story begins with his little character skits. That's right! It wasn't a cute one-time gimmick, it's a commitment. Only time will tell how long it'll take before these begin to ruin my sanity.

Draconis: Annnnd we're back.

Kenshin: Took you long enough.

Pfft. Silly Draconis, pretending that he and Kenshin aren't the same character.

Draconis: What? The last chapter was posted like a week ago...possibly less than that depending on when this gets posted.

Kenshin: Riiiight anyway Terra this is Draconis.

Terra: Um...Hello.

Draconis: Hey. Anyway let's just start now.

...This was a very necessary interlude.

Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale.

Chapter 2

John Carpenter's Escape from Narshe

Draconis: Before I begin. Kenshin do a disclaimer for me.

Kenshin: Ugh fine. Draconis678 does not own, but a copy of Final Fantasy VI. I'm his sole creation for this fic.

Creation, excretion, semantics, seblantics.

Draconis: Ok then Begin!


Kenshin and Terra were still laying knocked unconscious from their fall. A faint aura surrounded Kenshin.

In his mind Tritoch appeared in front of him without the ice he was encased in. "What the hell? !" Kenshin says reaching for his staff only to realize it wasn't there.


"Relax boy." "I'm not here to do you any harm." Tritoch says.

Kenshin shoots the griffin dragon like creature a disinterested glare. "Riiiight I mean you only took away power I worked years upon motherfucking years to master!" "Now I can't even run for two goddamn minutes without gasping for breath."

Yeah! Show that turkey chicken your disinterest by swearing angrily at him!

"Hmph." "Like I said when you've powered up enough come fight me and take back your power." Tritoch says.

Tritoch then added the word "bitch," just to make it sting a bit more.

"Oh trust me when I get stronger I'm gonna beat the scales off your ass!" Kenshin snaps. "Now what the hell did you do to Terra?"

"I awakened her esper nature." "However it is not complete yet." Tritoch says.

"Not complete yet?" "What do you mean?" Kenshin says.

"She has yet to realize it's even there." Tritoch tells him. "Now in my haste I did in fact rip away your stamina." "Seeing as it would be a major hassle to take so many breaks while attuning yourself to this world's power I shall grant JUST a small measure of your stamina back and nothing else." Tritoch says.

Man, you couldn't even keep your OC weak for one chapter. Talk about commitment to excellence in writing.

"Alright." Kenshin says.

"Now I shall take my leave." "There is someone outside." Tritoch says disappearing.

Kenshin stirs on the outside. "Nuh?" "What's goin' on?"

Locke sighs. "Good one of you is awake." "You must be the 'Demon of Vector.'"

Shouldn't these two know each other already, given that Kenshin is (still stupidly) also a Returner?

"Former." Kenshin says. "As soon as I see an imperial officer I'm kicking his or her teeth in depending on who it is."

My, that's a very discriminating list of targets for Kenshin.

"I see." The two men hear a myriad of footsteps and look past the maze. "Ah crap the guards found us!" Locke says.

Kenshin gets to his feet and grabs his staff. "You sound like you're afraid."

You sound like a hater.

Locke turns to look at him for a moment the takes out a knife. "Please." "I'm just recognizing our odds." "But still there a whole lot of them aren't there?"

"Yeah and I'm not exactly in tip-top shape thanks to a run in with an esper." Kenshin says.

That's your excuse for everything these days.

"Lovely." Locke says sarcastically.

"Kupo." The two hear a voice sound. Looking behind them they see a group of white furry creatures walk out of a door carrying crosses and a canister of butane.

"Moogles!" Locke says.

"So...you wanna help us?" Kenshin asks plausibly. The creatures nod.

"Alright then we got some party sorting to do." Locke says. "OK three of you come with me three of you go with...uh.."

Isn't Kenshin supposed to be hella famous for his ability to kill people for the Empire?

"Kenshin." Kenshin says. Locke nods. "Right three of you go with him and the other five stay here with the girl."

Locke runs out and to the left. Kenshin sighs. "Antsy motherfucker ain't he?" "Alright you three we got the right side." "You other five surround her on all sides."

Is it already time for the M-rating to come into play?

"Kupo!" The Moogles shout. Kenshin nods taking off to the left. Locke runs into a lobo and mammoth. He noticed a tonic hanging from the lobo's neck and rushed forward. "Let me get that off you." He yanks the tonic away and slashes the lobo's throat killing it. The moogles rush toward the mammoth slashing claws and swords into it's flesh. Locke paled. "Jeez." "These guys take no prisoners."

One stab of spear and sword later and the mammoth fell dead. "Alright let's move!" Locke shouts running forward.

No Draconis, stop. Don't make this story too exciting.

Kenshin on the other hand spun his staff along with his moogle comrades whom were all wielding spears. "I like you guys already."

A soldier stood with the lobo and mammoth pair. "Drop your weapons and come with me!"

Kenshin smirks and and pressed down on the button to expose the staff's blade and threw it at the mammoth stabbing through it's skull. "You want our weapons? !" "Come and get them!"

Why do I get the feeling that Draconis has a Don't Tread on Me flag hanging on his bedroom wall?

The moogles rush forward assaulting the lobo. Kenshin appeared in front of the lone soldier grabbing him by the throat and slamming him to the ground. "Sorry guy, but you gotta die." Kenshin says snapping his neck.

Why? Why did he have to die? Fucking hell. Do you think Batman would be anywhere near as popular a hero if he killed every policeman that tried to apprehend him?

Kenshin stands up and retrieves his staff from the mammoth's skull. "Damn." "Already starting to feel tired." "Well at the very least I can fight." "Now let's go meet that thief and take the leader down."

"That's treasure hunter!" Locke shouts apparently having heard him.

"Whatever man." Kenshin says walking up to him with his group of moogles.

Oh no, that's going to be a thing isn't it?

He snaps his fingers. "You all head back and sweep the remaining monsters." "This guy and I got this."

You're awfully demanding for someone who was saved a shit-kicking-in by Moogles.

"Kupo!" The moogles take off leaving Kenshin and Locke alone. "By the way my name's Locke." Locke says.

"I see." "Well let's go ice us a dumbass." Kenshin says walking toward the leader of the mob of monsters.

"So managed to defeat all my minions eh?" "Very well I'll fight you IRL!"

The man charges Kenshin sword drawn. Kenshin blocks his attack and struggles against the force placed against him. "D-Daaahh!"

Aww, he said "da-da." Kenshin's learning his first words!

"Kenshin!" Locke shouts slashing his knife at the man's neck. He dodges and jumps backward.

"Heh heh." "Is this all the 'Demon of Vector' can muster? !" "This should be simple."

Kenshin scowls and pants. "Dammit." "Locke sorry for draggin' ya down like this."

Good. Now apologize to the audience for existing as well.

"Heh." "Don't worry about it lets just say you owe me one." Locke says. "You think you can hold him?"

"In one spot?" "Yeah I'd just need to use another function of my staff." Kenshin says.

One end has a blade on it. The other, a dildo.

"Alright." "Go now and I'll end it." Locke says. Kenshin nods.

"Got it." Kenshin says dashing toward the man. Hovering his thumb over a second button he pressed it down swinging the staff at the man. The staff began to segment many times and exposed a chain which around his target.

I guess the chain also around that sentence.

"What is this? !" The leader demands.

"Your end." Locke says stabbing his knife through the man's heart killing him.

What a great cast of characters we have here. It's like the 90s never ended.

"Hah." "Hah." "I need to start training pronto." Kenshin says retracting his staff as it returned to it's original form.

"Ah don't worry about it right now." Locke says. "The good thing is that we made it out a-ok."

"I guess." Kenshin says as they make their way back toward Terra.

The corpses of the fallen moogles were littered everywhere. It was a real inconvenience, I tell you what.

"So is that everything your staff can do?" Locke asks. Kenshin nods. "Yeah." "Ugh if I had all my power that guy would have not stood a chance."

Yeah, if only Kenshin had his mystical dragon/cat/magic powers from another dimension he would have stood a chance against an ordinary Narshe guard.

"Like I said man don't worry about it." Locke says.

"I know that I just hate being a burden." Kenshin says.

"So what's the relationship between you and the girl?" Locke asks.

Don't worry, you'll find out all about it soon.

"She was a slave to the Vectorian Empire." "I didn't really like that so I swore to myself I'd free her and protect her." Kenshin says.

"So you'd give up your position and rank for the sake of one girl?" Locke says. "You sure it's not because you love her?"

"I have my own reasons as well." Kenshin says eyes narrowed and blushing lightly.

Aww, that's cute. He's denying it now because then it wouldn't hit all the tropes of an anime romance. I love this author.

I hate this author.

"Like?" Locke says.

"I'll explain later." Kenshin says as they get to the moogles surrounding Terra.

"Kupo!" They all says. Locke stares. "Leaving so soon?" Locke all says.

The moogles nod. Kenshin chuckles. "Alright." "We owe you big time." The moogles leave and Kenshin picks Terra up. "Speakin' of which we should probably clear out too."

"Right." Locke says as they both dash through the doorway. Dashing down some stairs they find a switch. Terra stirs in Kenshin's arms. "Nnn...Kenshin-San?"

That was close. Any longer and everyone would have found out about Terra's habit of shouting racial slurs in her sleep.

"Welcome back sleeping beauty." Locke quips.

"Um...Kenshin-San who is this?" Terra asks.

"Says his name is Locke." "A thief/treasure hunter." Kenshin says. Locke goes to say something. "Look man thieving and treasure hunting go hand in hand you're not getting me to change my mind."

"Because I'm a dick to people who do me favors apparently."

"D-Damn it." Locke says dejectedly walking over to the switch. Kenshin lets Terra stand. "Kenshin-San."

"Hm?" Kenshin sounds.

"I-I think I remembered something." Terra says.

"I'm listening." Kenshin says.

"I once shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."

Terra tells Kenshin about her dream and Kenshin sighs. "I'll get into it when we get to the next town."

"OK." Terra says.

The wall next to them slides over and Locke walks forward. "Alright let's get moving." "It's gonna be a long hike to Figaro." Locke says. Kenshin's eyes narrow. "Figaro?"


"Problem?" Locke says as the exit the cave.

"Kinda." Kenshin says. "Dammit!" "Kefka's supposed to be on his way to Figaro!" "As much as I'd love to snap his damn neck I can't endanger Terra."

Yeah, THAT'S the reason.

The rock wall shifts back to it's original position. "Hey." Locke says. "This entrance might be useful one day don't forget about it."

"Alright." Terra says.

"OK let's get a move on before more idiots show up." Kenshin says unironically.

"Do you even know which way Figaro is?" Locke asks as they exit the mountain town.

Well fuck, man, I wonder. Is Figaro to the north, east or west, where the impenetrable mountains are, or is it in the only other direction?

"Yeah." Kenshin says annoyed. "The king there puts up a front being all buddy-buddy with the Empire, but he and his whole kingdom have allied themselves with the Returners."

As Locke told Terra about where they were going Kenshin thought back to how he joined the Returners.

Still mad about that.


One year ago

Kenshin had arrived at Figaro Castle and made his way toward the front door when a guard stopped him. "Halt!" "State your business!"

"My business is death." Kenshin said before brutally slaughtering all of the guards and writing "fags" in their blood.

"General Kenshin of the Vectorian Empire." "I'm here to meet with Lord Figaro about hashing over reports and the treaty." Kenshin says.

"O-Oh General Kenshin my apologies." "Please follow me." He says.

I really have to wonder exactly how big this dude's reputation is to not be recognized by people expecting him.

"Hey man don't worry about it you're just doing your job." Kenshin says shrugging as the guard led him to the 'keep' of the castle.

That is a far more mild response than anything Kenshin's actions have led me to expect. Not even one death from that exchange.

"Alright our king is just through that door there." He say pointing at the furthest door as they entered the keep.

Kenshin walks up to the door and opens it. He saw a young man wearing blue armor with a matching cape. His long blonde hair was done up into a loose ponytail. "Lord Figaro?" Kenshin asks.

The man gets up from his throne and walks up to him. "Yes, but please just Edgar will do." "But introduction's are in order." "My name is Edgar Roni Figaro."

"And on weekends I moonlight as a night club musician named DJ Mac-a-Roni."

"Kenshin Tsuki Kuroshi." Kenshin says shaking his hand. "So...where are the reports?"

More like Kenshin Sucky Kuro-shit.

"That's not the reason I asked for you to come here specifically." Edgar says. Kenshin stares oddly at him. "OK then what?" "This desert isn't exactly a fun walk."

"Tell me Kenshin what do you know of the Returners?" Edgar asks. Kenshin strokes his chin in thought. "Not much." "All I know is that they've been opposing the Empire for quite some time now." "Being the new general they haven't saw fit to trust me with that yet."

"Being the new HIGHEST RANKING MILITARY OFFICER, they still haven't trusted me with knowing who our greatest opposing faction is."

"I see." "Well I can fill you in on such matters." "On the underground I am one of them." Edgar says. Kenshin narrows his eyes reaching for his staff. "Really now?" "Then give me one good reason why I shouldn't kill you."

1. You apparently don't know who the Returners are.

"Because you're not truly loyal to them either." Edgar says. "I know that." "You just want to save that girl under their control."

Kenshin's hand lowers. "So what do you want me to do?" "Openly betray them without fulfilling my promise to her?"

Why couldn't you do both? You apparently had the ability to fly before Tritoch zapped you, so why has simply escaping never crossed your mind?

"No." Edgar says "However we desperately need hers and your help." "You two are born with special abilities."

"So you just want to use us yourselves then cast us aside once you've gotten what you want." Kenshin says then turns his back to him. "Forget it." "I'm not interested." "You better hope I don't report you to Gesthal."

Kenshin caught himself before muttering the word "dad," avoiding a fullblown freudian slip.

"Kenshin please." Edgar says placing his hand on the boy's shoulder. Kenshin shrugs it off. "This world will be damned if you don't help us." "The Empire's driving it toward a repeat of the War of the Magi." "We don't want to make it seem like we're using you two, but we have no other choice."

"I knew that already." Kenshin says. "I'm still not interested." "I just want her safe and out of their control." Kenshin says. "She's never had a chance to live her own life."

And in order to achieve that end, you're willing to let the world come to destruction. My hero~!

"And she will after the Empire is dealt with!" Edgar says. "We just need this one thing from you two!"

Kenshin sighs turning toward him. "Tell me Edgar are you a betting man?"

"What are you suggesting?" Edgar asks.

8====D 0:

"A coin flip." "Heads you get me Tails I leave here and keep quiet about your connection to the Returners."

I don't know why you want the fox from Sonic, but that sounds like more of a loss for Edgar.

Kenshin says digging around in his pockets for a coin. "Damn no coin." "You got one?"

Edgar takes out a coin. "Right here." He stares at it for a second before flipping it. It lands on the floor heads up. Kenshin grabs it. "Well I'm in." He takes a look at the coin before chuckling. "Really Edgar a double headed coin?"

You stared at it and you couldn't figure that out before the coin flip?

"Does this mean you still refuse?" Edgar says. Kenshin shakes his head. "Nah." "But the girl's decision will be her own that's all I ask."

"I hate being taken advantage of."

Edgar takes advantage of him with a double sided coin.

The Narshe guards did less worth killing.

"Of course." Edgar says. Kenshin hands him back the coin. "Why a double headed coin?"

"Well there's a story behind that." Edgar says. "A few years back I had a little brother." "After our father died it fell to us to decide who would take the throne." "It seemed like he would take the throne, but he didn't want it." "So on the roof of this castle we had a coin flip." "Heads I took the throne and he would be free or tails He would be the king."

"Ah." Kenshin says. "And it being a double headed coin pretty much ensured him his freedom." "That was awfully noble of you."

I'm glad you explained that scene instead of just...I don't know, including it in your retelling, as it was in the original. Granted you're not that great of a writer to begin with, but that would at least have made Kenshin less of a glory vortex.

"It's awfully noble of you to want to save a girl you barely know." Edgar says. Kenshin nods. "So what to do until I can free her...?"

"I'll call you for meetings and you inform us of the Empire's dealings." Edgar says. Kenshin nods.

So the gist of your agreement is that you'll spy on the Empire for Edgar, and in return Edgar will...?

I can't make head or tails of it. Why wouldn't you do literally anything else?

"Well I must be leaving." "The emperor's right hand man wanted to assess my psychological state as soon as I returned." "Ha!" "Funny coming from a man who fell off the deep end awhile ago."

What a needless ad-lib.

"Very well then allow us to give you a lift to a neighboring continent." Edgar says. "Chancellor!"

Another man wearing the same uniform as the guard except more decorated spoke up. "Yes my lord?"

"Engage the castle's submersion to head to the western continent." Edgar says.

Not that it would make his journey any easier given that the Empire is on the southern continent.


"Submersion?" Kenshin asks. The castle shakes and begins to sink. "Whoa Whoa Whoa!"

"Relax." "This entire castle can submerge underground and travel." Edgar says.

That's not something Draconis invented, for those who haven't played FFVI before. That was in the original game. It was also really cool when it was revealed. You know, later.

(flashback end) (break)

The Next Day.

Locke Kenshin and Terra were marching through the desert as Figaro Castle came into view. "Locke." Kenshin says exhaustedly.

"Yeah?" Locke says just as exhausted as Kenshin.

"When we get to Figaro." "Remind me to bitchslap Edgar for living in a desert." Kenshin says.

"Get in line." Locke says.

$10 says they both pussy out.

"I don't know what you two are talking about, but count me in." Terra says.

Holy shit, you can talk?

"I'd laugh Terra, but I'm too thirsty." Kenshin says.

The made their way to the front gate where the guard stepped in front of them. "Oh Kenshin it's you." "And you as well Locke!" "Go right ahead." The guard says handing them some water.

And Terra! Terra was there too! Surprisingly!

"Thank you!" Locke says snatching the water away and gulping it down. Kenshin took his dick and took a few sips. "Well my throat isn't dry anymore."

"Thank you sir." Terra says. The three make their way up to the keep of the castle and up to the throne room. "Hey Edgar!" Kenshin shouts.

"Oh Kenshin I wasn't expecting you for another week." Edgar says. "Why the sudden rush?"

"Well because I'm leaving the Empire." Kenshin says. "I saved her."

Which is something you couldn't have done at any other time, somehow. Preferably before your super powers were taken away.

"Oh?" "This woman here?" Edgar asks. Kenshin nods. "Yeah." "Now remember our agreement."

Which was...?

No seriously. You made no agreement other than to give him information.

"Of course Of course." Edgar says waving him off. He walks up to her and to her side giving her a once over.

"Excuse me who do you think you are?" Terra says as he walks back to his throne.

"Uhp she's annoyed with you already Edgar." Kenshin says bemused.

"Oh my apologies." "My name is Edgar king of Figaro." Edgar says.

"Yeah and if my reports are correct a womanizer too." Kenshin says. Edgar shoots him an annoyed glare.

What's this shit about reports? He's MET the dude.

I mean, I get it. Kenshin's supposed to be the cool dude who throws out one-liners. But hell. In your attempt to make him appear as aloof and snarky as possible, you made Kenshin sound stupid.

"Surprised that I know a king?" Locke asks.

"Actually yeah plunder boy." Kenshin says.

Why is Kenshin such a dick to Locke? He's been nothing but nice up until now, and yet for some reason Kenshin can't pass up the opportunity to get one over on him.

"Dammit!" Locke shouts. "Anyway I gotta go!" "See ya later!" Locke says taking off.

"So your an imperial officer?" "Not a problem!" "Vector and Figaro are allies!" Edgar says walking away from them.

"Edgar wait." Kenshin says. Edgar turns to him. "Yes?"

"Kefka's coming." "He'll be here today or tomorrow if the reports were correct." Kenshin says.

What fucking reports are you getting? You've mentioned them at least three times now about some mystical reports that you and only you are somehow privvy to.

Edgar turns away. "I see." "He'll probably be looking for her." He says referring to Terra.

"Why are you helping me?" Terra asks. "Is it because of my abilities?"

"The main reason is because Kenshin asked me too." "Another would be that frankly you are quite beautiful." Edgar says. Kenshin laughs. "He got you there."

Yeah, fucking got her! I doubt she'll ever recover from being told she's beautiful.

Edgar shrugs. "Also I would love to know if I'm your type...and I guess your abilities would be a distant fourth."

Terra blinks walking up to him. "What's with you?"

Edgar walks away sighing. "Guess my technique's getting rusty."

The fact that your two pickup lines were sandwiched under "because Kenshin told me to" probably weakened their potency.

Terra looks down. "I guess...a normal girl would have found him to be attractive." "But...I'm hardly normal." She notices a hand on her shoulder and turns to see Kenshin smiling at her.

"Hey you're not alone." "Do I look like a person whose 'normal'?" He says.

I had a hard time picking out which image of this quote to use, so I just decided to use the most pretentious looking.

Terra stares over at him. "Kenshin-San why do you care so much about me?"

You're apparently cute and don't know anything that's going on. You probably remind him of an autistic kitten or something.

"Come with me." Kenshin says. "We're in a safe town."

"OK." Terra says following him to a room with a single bed at the right tower of the castle. Kenshin notices a chair and pulls it up to the bed. "Have a seat on the bed." Terra nods and sits down.

I mean, I guess that's one way to show why you care...

"Well Terra do you want me to tell you everything or do you want me to condense it?" "Cause if I tell the whole thing we're gonna be up all night."

"Just tell me something." "Anything." Terra says.

"Pigs' orgasms can last up to half an hour." "Incidentally so can mine."

"Well...in short you were the empire's slave." Kenshin says.

"I-I knew that already." "I saw it in my dream." Terra says.

"Well then you know that they used you as a weapon against the enemies of the empire?" "They used your abilities to assault entire towns." "As far as I know no one was spared." Kenshin says.

What a compassionate way to bring that up.

"Wh-What?" Terra asks.

"Yeah." "I couldn't stand how you were being used and decided to try my damnedest to free you." Kenshin says getting up and walking toward the stairs.

"B-But...why?" "We barely know each other...!" Terra says grabbing hold of his shoulder. Kenshin turns his head toward her a dead look in his eyes. "Because...I know what it's like to be used." "I wouldn't wish that on anyone." "Whether you like it or not Terra I'm going to protect you from them."

Okay, why don't you explain to Vicks and Wedge how much you hate being used and using people? Oh right, you can't. They're dead. Because you used them as pawns in your nonsense plan to "save Terra" by doing nothing for three years.

Terra stared at him. "What do you mean?"

"Well one example would be that I did not enter the imperial army of my own free will." "They quartered me."

And then through (presumably) skill and aptitude you rose through the ranks. How is that "being used?" Being quartered into the Empire's military apparently has better upward mobility than working retail.

"But that's not the only time."

"This other time, I agreed to give Edgar information on my country in exchange for nothing. He was totally USING ME!"

"However that's a story for another time." Kenshin says.

"Will you tell me soon?" Terra asks. Kenshin stares at her for a moment. "I guess when we have some spare time, but why?"

"Well...if you say I'm not alone then...why should you be?" Terra responds.

He indiscriminately kills people. That's a good reason.

"Ha ha." Kenshin laughs. "Well if it's your company I get to enjoy then I accept." "Now get some rest I'm gonna have a word with Edgar about something."

"What are we going to doing?" Terra asks.

Try again.

"Whatever you want?" "Edgar is an imperial ally on the surface, but like me he's associated with a group called the Returners." "I told him that it was your decision to assist us or not." "If you refuse then I will stay with you." "If you accept their plea for assistance then I'll support you."

"But...how will I know which is the right decision?" Terra asks. Kenshin sets his hands on her shoulders smiling. "It will come to you in time." "Just be patient."

"Alright." Terra says. Kenshin nods and leaves the bedroom.

Terra lays down on the bed looking at the palm of her hand. "This hand...was responsible for a lot of death."

Technically no, it was a war machine that you were operating that was responsible for a lot of death.

"Do I even want to remember my past fully?"

She shakes her head. "No." "I must remember what has happened so I can make amends for it."

It's kind of a hokey, milquetoast JRPG hero thing, but at least she's more responsible for her actions than Kenshin "Everyone's Against Me" Tsukoshit or whatever his last name is supposed to be.

Kenshin walked back into the throne room where Edgar was sitting at his throne. "So how does Miss Terra like the castle?"

"She hasn't gotten a real good look around yet." Kenshin says.

A guard runs up to them.

Roll 2d6 for Perception Check.

"Sir!" "Someone from the Empire here to see you!"

"Kefka." Kenshin says. Edgar noticed a light snarl in his voice. "Alright then let's go meet him."

But wait! According to Kenshin's ephemeral reports, Kefka is a day early.

Consistency, whoo!


Just south of Figaro.

Kefka was marching toward Figaro flanked by two soldiers. "Dammit!" "What's with this ridiculous recon mission? !" "Couldn't Gesthal have sent Leo Celes or that idiot Kenshin instead? !"

Not entirely an unreasonable complaint, considering that Kenshin was sent just north of Figaro.

"You!" He says pointing at the left guard. "There is SAND on my boots!"

"Right Sir Kefka!" He says cleaning it off. "All set sir!"

"Ah ha ha ha ha!" Kefka laughs. "Fools!" The group march up to the front door and the guard steps in front of him. "Sir Kefka what in the? !"

"Out of the way? !" Kefka shouts throwing him to the side.

Kefka's so crazy he surprised himself.

Kenshin and Edgar meet the crazed man. "Oh?" "Kenshin my crass demonic friend how are you doing?"

Kenshin scowled. "Kefka you and I have never been friends so let's not pretend we have."

Fuck Kefka for offering plesantries, I guess.

"Too true." Kefka smirks.

"So looking for more cities to level off down south?" Edgar asks.

You're terrible at being a superficial ally, dude.

"That's for us to know Figaro." Kefka's left hand soldier says.

"Tell me." Kenshin says. "Has this clown begun his routine sodomizations?" "You know he likes his man slaves clean before he porks them."

"Oh?" "You mean like that sorceress?" Kefka asks bemused. Kenshin scowled. "Go straight to hell you pasty faced prick."

You can't even get angry with him for that. You called him a gay rapist and he came back by saying he fucked your girlfriend. You set him up for it, take your burn like a man.

"Oh ho ho touchy touchy." Kefka says. "Speaking of that sorceress Kenshin where is she?" "She was in your care was she not?"

"Sorry to say, but the esper Gesthal sent us after killed Vicks and Wedge and separated the two of us." Kenshin says. "I haven't the faintest idea where she is."

"Yes Kefka." "Even if she was in our presence we would have the wherewithal to notify yourself and his highness about such a find." Edgar says.


"Besides this guy's a straight up womanizer." "How is he supposed to pick one certain lovely lass from the hundreds he's been with?" Kenshin says.

"He sleeps around a lot so he can't tell women apart."

"I see." Kefka says. "I would sure hate you be you two if you turned out to be lying to my face." Kefka turns to walk away. "I sure do hope that nothing happens to your precious kingdom Edgar." "And you Kenshin." "You could be executed for high treason." "Ta ta!"

Kefka and his soldiers take their leave. Edgar and Kenshin walk back to the keep finding Locke standing in front of the door. "That guy's a few cans shy of a six pack." Locke comments.

Funny. So is the six pack I had when I started reading this.

"A few?" Kenshin says incredulously.

"Where's Terra?" Edgar asks.

"I put her in her room to rest." "She's fine." Kenshin says.

"Very well." "Locke you go get some rest as well." "Kenshin come with me." "We and the chancellor must devise a plan." "I'm all too certain that he will come back." Edgar says.

So remind me, what exactly has Locke been doing this entire time? I understand Kenshin took his spot as the dude who reassures Terra, but you couldn't even bother giving some reason for his absence?

"Right." Kenshin says.

"Alright." Locke says. "I'll watch over Terra for you Kenshin." He offers.

"Thanks." Kenshin says.


Next day in the city of Townsville.

Edgar was laying in his bed when the scent of smoke hit his nose. "! ?" He runs out of his bedroom and to the main walkway. Kenshin met him. "What's going on? !"

Locke got a bit too enthusiastic about the kinebud he bought earlier and lit one up in the castle.

Yeah, whenever he goes off screen for no reason, I'm going to assume Locke is buying drugs now.

"Kefka!" "He attacked and is trying to burn Figaro to the ground!" Kenshin says.

As if on cue Kefka and his goons walk through the door. "Bring me the girl now! !" He shouts.

"We don't know what you're going on about you psychopath!" Kenshin says.

"Lies!" "Enjoy the barbeque of Figaro!" Kefka says. "Whuahahahah!"

It was nice of Kefka to throw his friends a barbecue, even if the execution is a bit overzealous.

Kenshin and Edgar run to the back. "Get ready." "Just like we planned Chancellor." Edgar says.

"Changed your minds?" Kefka asks.

"I guess we have nary a choice in the matter Kenshin." Edgar says.

"Seems that way my friend." Kenshin says as they run to the left of the castle. Edgar whistles as three large yellow birds run up. The two jump onto the birds.

What the hell is happening.

"Then again..."

"Maybe we do!" Edgar says.

Kefka runs to the edge of the castle. "How amusing." "A king abandoning his people." He says as the two shoot rope around the castle. "Jump!" Edgar shouts.

Locke and Terra jump down onto the birds. Terra wrapped her arms around Kenshin hanging on as they took off. They stopped at the front as Kefka walked out. "Dive!" "Dive now!" Kenshin says.

"Whoohoo! !" Locke shouts as the four of them take off. Kefka literally jumps as the castle begins to shake and sink into the ground. He was left laying on the sand as the four made their escape.


So here's the event just described in the original game. The escape scene here is one of those really iconic moments in retro gaming, and there's ample reason for that. Everything, from the musical cues to the very limited animations they chose, was set dead perfectly to evoke the proper emotions. But, once again, I seem to have found an author who just cannot use description to evoke any sort of emotion. "This happened, then this happened, then Kenshin said this cool line." God forbid you haven't played the game before!

And don't think I didn't notice the fact that, just by coincidence, Terra ended up sharing a Chocobo with Kenshin, despite the fact that it makes no sense for them to not have more than three in this instance.

Getting to his feet he scowls. "Get them!" "Kill those traitors and bring me the girl Peter Pan!"

His two soldiers rush forward in magitek armors running after them. "Whoa!" Kenshin shouts. The birds stop as the magitek's catch up to them.

"Kenshin are you sure you know what you're doing?" Edgar asks.

Hell no, he doesn't.

"Yeah these are the lowest quality Teks available." Kenshin says. "We should be able to handle it." "Terra."

"Yes?" She says.

"Double Fire." Kenshin says.

"OK." Terra says as they both chant. Edgar and Locke shrug and ready their blades. Locke rushes forward and comes away with another tonic. "This must be my lucky day."

Did we mention that Locke is a thief yet?

Edgar pulls out a crossbow and pulls the trigger. A salvo of arrows fire toward the magiteks easily piercing through their armor.

Kenshin and Terra hold out their hands standing back to back. "Fire!"

Edgar's mouth gapes open as fire shoots out of Kenshin and Terra's hands and toward the magiteks. Both of the suits explode ending the battle.

Well at least Draconis didn't try to turn this minor jobber battle into an epic confrontation.

"Edgar?" Locke says. "What's up?" "You look like you just saw a ghost or something."

"L-L-L-L-L-Locke did you see that? !" Edgar shouts.

Kenshin and Terra turn away. "I can't believe I forgot to mention that we could do that." Kenshin says.

"No." Edgar says "However we desperately need hers and your help." "You two are born with special abilities."

Edgar knows that you can use magic. You forced out an entire backstory to include that detail and now you just forgot it existed?

Terra remained silent feeling embarrassed.

"Yeah these two seem loaded for bear is the correct answer, dummy ready to tear shit apart." Locke says.

"They're amazing!" Edgar says astonished. "That was MAGIC!" "M-A-G-I-C!"

Locke gasps and jumped involuntarily. "M-M-M-M-M-M-MAGIC? !"

Kenshin sighs as the two men start whispering. "Speed it up you two we still got an ICP reject to deal with or get away from."

Because Locke and Edgar know what ICP is. I guess that also means that the world Kenshin is from is *sigh* our world.

"Terra Kenshin where in the hell did you learn to do that? !" Edgar asks.

"Ugh." Kenshin sounds. Terra sighs. "Sorry...we...um."

"Ok ok sorry." Locke says. "We didn't mean to make such a huge fuss over this."

"I didn't either it's just we've never seen it before." Edgar says. "But still whe-"

"Edgar we can and you can't!" "Jeez why does it matter where we picked it up? !" Kenshin says.

Way to rub it in there.

"Yeah." "Besides we could really use their help so don't put them off like that." Locke says.

"Thanks Locke!" Terra says relieved.

"Yeah." Kenshin says cracking a smile.

And you too Edgar!" Terra says.

The two men start sinking into the sand with lovestruck expressions on their face. "Stop swooning!" "Get a grip you idiots!" Terra and Kenshin shout respectively.

This entire interaction was mostly copy pasted from the game. Given the quality of writing I've come to expect from fanfiction, I consider that a good thing. What is dumb though is that the author completely misunderstood the context of the scene. In the original, Edgar and Locke didn't know that Terra could use magic. When she used actual, bona fide magic, it surprised them because they'd never seen it, leading to the wacky slapstick scene from above.

In Draconis' version, Edgar at the very least knew about it. Locke might not have, but Locke also didn't react until Edgar explained what was going on. The entire point of their reactions, great though they were, was spoiled by the fact that Draconis needed to shoehorn in an entirely unnecessary conversation between Kenshin and Edgar so that it made sense that Kenshin was both an Imperial General and also a Returner (because fuck that idea entirely). In the end, Draconis made that scene come completely out of nowhere because he had to insert his OC.

"Alright Alright." The two men says getting back on the birds. Kenshin stares over to where Kefka was. "Edgar."

"What is it?" He asks.

"Go around Kefka and get outta here." Kenshin says. "I'll catch up."

"Wait Kenshin you don't actually intend on fighting him do you?" Edgar asks.

He's been talking about doing this, that or the other to him the entire chapter. Are you really that surprised?

"I've been waiting for three long years for the chance to kick his ass." Kenshin says walking away. "I'll be damned if I'm letting this opportunity pass me up."

See there's another instance of Kenshin acting like a moody tough guy. If he'd act like a sensible person instead of thinking with his fists or his dick, he'd be far less grating a person to read about.

"Kenshin-San." Terra says. Kenshin turns toward her eyes closed and smiling. "Hey I said I was gonna protect ya." "If I can take out that clown then you have a legitimate shot at living your own life." "Now just go." "I'll be fine."

"Don't worry about us Kenshin." Locke says smirking. "Just go take care of business."

"Right we'll keep your girlfriend safe until you get back." Edgar says.

Kenshin pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration while a light blush covered his cheeks.

HAHA Kenshin likes a girl! That's funny! Write that same joke over and over again forever!

"Just get outta here." "If you can get her to Returner HQ." "I'll be fine." "You should be able to outrun him on those Chocobos."

That line of dialog about made me vomit with how many starts and stops it had.

"Alright see ya!" Locke says as they take off.

Terra looks back at Kenshin. "Stay safe." She thought.

Kefka seethed as the now three of them retreated. "Son of a submariner!" "They will pay for this!"

"Pay for what exactly?"

Kefka jumped turning to find Kenshin scowling at him. "Oh Kenshin!" ""Coming to return to the winning side?" "I could keep silent about your foul up with the girl."

Goddamn that's generous. Not only does Terra get to escape, but Kenshin gets to get away with murder and treason.

Aside from the part where he tried to set Figaro on fire, Kefka hasn't been a terribly evil character so far. I know better, obviously, but up until now he's been far more friendly and goodspirited than the supposed hero has been.

"No." Kenshin says taking out his staff. "I'm just here to kill you." "As for my rank." "Gesthal can take it and ram it up his wrinkly old ass for all I care."

"Whoo ha ha ha ha!" Kefka laughs. "Is that so?" "After all we did for you?"

Seriously. From every indication that's been given in this story, the Empire has been awesome to Kenshin. Maybe if they had just kept burning down villages, killing people, and never used the slave crown, Kenshin would still be on their side.

"I refuse to live and die as a Vectorian slave." Kenshin snarls. "I've been bidding my time...just waiting to take Terra away from you all." Kenshin takes the slave crown out of his pocket. "This will never be used again." He brought the point home by crushing it in his hands.

"Shame." Kefka says shrugging. "You were such a gifted warrior." "And now I have to kill you."

"We'll see about that you psycho." Kenshin says extending the blade of his staff outward.

Kefka also hasn't done anything really crazy yet either. I wouldn't have know that he was supposed to be insane had the author not had Kenshin bludgeon the audience over the head mentioning it.

Kefka takes out his own sword. "Ha ha ha!" "Yes we shall!" "Let's begin then!"

(chapter end)

Draconis: Abrupt cliffhanger is abrupt.

Old memes are for trash. LIKE YOU!

Kenshin: Two chapters in and I'm already fighting the main villain?

Draconis: Problem?

lol u mad bro u mad bro u mad bro y u so mad bro fuck me in the ass bro lol

Kefka: Whatsa matter kid? Scared?

Kenshin: I'll show you whose scared!

Mature. I really like this side of you.

Anyway next chapter the duel between Kefka and Kenshin. See you then.

Draconis678 out

Well shit, given that this story is (as of this writing) 27 chapters long, I wonder if the hero will kill the main villain?


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Post #5

I'm very concerned.

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post Dec 1 2016, 10:54 AM
I can't help but feel that Locke is being put down merely because Kenshin has to establish his presence. In order to grab the limelight and make the story about him, Kenshit has to butt in wherever he can, while the author flounders through the description-less, scroll-dialogue formatted narrative.

And this oaf of a veiled self-insert is genuinely starting to piss me off. Aside from the attitude, being a potty mouth because the author thinks it's cool, and stealing both quote and spear-throw scene from the movie 300, Kenstain warps everything, past and present, in order to cope with the plot and narrative, which was so appropriately pointed out in the mock. I'm dreading what accursed thing he'll do next.

I'm assuming this 'cliffhanger' derailment from the plot to fight Kefka is just a convenient way to skip through the canon story, for wherever he may join up with Terra again. Although, with that many chapters, it might just be the author putting the plot on hold to stroke his ego.

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Post #6

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post Dec 2 2016, 01:25 PM
Man, your timing in responding to this...all I can say now is it gets worse.

So, just forewarning, this is a long-ass chapter, and it'll probably be the last one for 2016.


Time for Draconis & Friends Crazy Funtime Theater Episode 3!

Draconis: (Sigh)

Locke: Something wrong?

Draconis: Oh nothing I'm just remembering when it used to snow in wintertime.

I'm not sure if this some global warming concern comment or if he's just vaguely saying poetic-sounding stuff to look cool.

Edgar: Could be worse. At Figaro Castle it almost never snows.

Draconis: Yeeeaahhhh. Reason one for why I'll never live in the desert. I like snow and hate blistering heat.

Fascinating. I'm glad we're really getting to know each other, Draconis.

Locke: Huh. Hey Draconis where Kenshin and Terra?

Draconis: (hears a gasp and turns to a closed door.) Uh listen in through that door I gotta type up the chapter.

Edgar and Locke: (walks over to the door and puts their ears up to it.) Huh?

Terra: Kenshin-San not so rough. It kind of hurts.

Ohohohoh, it's time for the "sounds like they're having sex but they're doing something innocuous" joke! I love this one!

Kenshin: Well Terra I'm not gonna get done if I'm not a little forceful.

Locke: What the? Edgar you don't think they're...

Edgar: No no no. Come on I mean after all the shit Kenshin gives us for assuming their dating.

Well it ISN'T polite to ask a lady her age, Edgar.

Terra: Oh! Nnn... I can barely breath.

Kenshin: Here I'll loosen it up.

Edgar and Locke: (open the door.) What the hell are you two doing in here? !

Kenshin: (adjusting Terra's dress) What's it look like you perverts? I'm helping her with her clothes.

Terra: Ahh... Thank you.

HAHAHAHA! I love that you took up real estate for your fic (and more of my goddamned time) telling me that funny joke that I haven't been told by every fucking loser who's tried to make some kind of cheap, crass innuendo in the past ten years!!

Kenshin: Not a problem. Hey Drac Let's get started!

Draconis: One a' intro sequence a' comin' up!

Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale: Wii U

Chapter 3.

Defeat and Escape.

I hope Kenshin wins!

Draconis: Start-a'!


Kenshin was trudging through the sands of Figaro nursing multiple injuries. "Haaahhhh..." He inhaled roughly. "Dammit..." "How in the hell...did...he..." Kenshin couldn't finish as he fell forward into the sand unconscious. In the horizon was a mountain and Edgar coming in on his chocobo. He noticed Kenshin laying on the sandy and jumped off. "Kenshin!" "Kenshin can you hear me? !"

"That looks like it hurt." "Did it hurt?"

"..." Kenshin couldn't respond.

"Kuso!" "Hang on Kenshin I'll get you some help!" Edgar says hoisting the unconscious demon's body onto the chocobo and climbing back on. "Hiyah!" He shouts making the chocobo go forward.

Again with the super random weeb speak! Commit one way or the other you charlatan.

Why was Kenshin so injured you ask? Well lets take a look into the brief conflict he and Kefka had.

Nah, that's ok. I can use my imagination.



Kenshin was sent flying backward. Stabilizing himself he dodged to the left and right as Kefka stabbed at him. "What is going on? !" "Why is he so fast? !" "Did he cast Haste on himself? !"

Maybe the turkey goblin gave him all of your powers. Because we know that's going to be your excuse.

"Ha ha ha!" "Run!" "RUN! !" Kefka chuckled madly. Kenshin scowled and collided his staff against Kefka's sword.

"You bastard." Kenshin snarls.

You picked the fight. You could've run with the rest of them, but no, you CHOSE to fight and now you're getting your ass kicked. You get no sympy from me.

"What's wrong Kenshin?" "Feeling weak?" Kefka smirks. "Did a certain esper drain you of your power?"

Kenshin's eyes widen. "How does he know? !" "Shut up and fight Kefka!" He says his eyes narrowing back into a scowl.

From what you've shown so far, it seems like Kefka IS fighting, and that it's you who's ducking for cover like a little bitch.

Kefka batted Kenshin's staff upward and slashed him across the chest before spinning once and kicking him and the chest sending him backward. He grinned manically and began chanting. "Bolt 3!"

Kenshin acting fast takes out a shield and defends himself as it absorbs most of the magic. Suddenly it breaks in his heads. "Dammit." Kenshin scowled.

Glad you had that little piece of equipment tucked tightly inside your rectum.

"Ha ha ha!" "Running out of options so soon Kenshin? !" Kefka says. "You were a fool to oppose us!"

Kenshin glared down at the sand. "Dammit." "What a time to get my power stripped from me."

"Kenshin." "I sense something amiss with this Palazzo character." Tritoch says.

Where'd you come from?

"Ya think?" "He's freakin psychotic!" Kenshin thought.

"No no listen." "This man was not always this strong." "Even in your weakened state you should be able to break even with him." Tritoch says.

Oh, of course he could. Nerfed Kenshin is still as strong as the final villain. Silly Draconis for trying to call him not overpowered.

Also, why is Tritoch trying to Jedi into Kenshin's mind? I'm assuming that's what's happening, because him teleporting to the desert seems even too stupid for Draconis.

"What?" Kenshin thought as he and Kefka traded blows with one another.

"Yes." "I fear he has increased his power somehow." Tritoch says.

"In other words I'm screwed." Kenshin thought grimly.

"It feels like your power." Tritoch says.

The fuck is that supposed to mean?

Kenshin's eyes widen in shock allowing Kefka to score a deep gash up Kenshin's torso. Kenshin jumped back clutching his new wound glaring at the jesterish man. "Damn you."

"Krgh...HA HA HA!" Kefka laughed hysterically. "What's wrong with you? !" "You were never this inept in battle!"


"Shut up you bastard!" Kenshin shouts rushing toward Kefka activating the second function of his staff wrapping the chain around Kefka holding him there. "I've heard enough out of you clown."

By the way, Kefka looks like a clown.

"Time to die." Kenshin smirked. "You should know something about my chain here." "It can channel magic through it's links." "So I can't miss you!"

"And my power level is infinity plus one!"

Kefka's eyes widen fearfully as Kenshin starts chanting. "No!" "Don't please!" "I'll do anything!"

"Save it!" "Fire!" A stream of fire channels through the links of the chain before exploding around Kefka. "Fire! !" The same thing happened again.

Kefka roared in agony as Kenshin repeated his spell over and over again. Kenshin slackened his chain panting. "Damn..." "I think I overdid it." "But still that bastard can't have survived that." Kenshin says staring into the smoke. "It's over." "Terra's free."

I'd call this "tempting fate" but really, it's too obvious.

Kenshin's eyes widen hearing insane laughter. "A little premature on the victory celebration don't you think?"

Kenshin needs to be a bit better on controlling his ejaculations so that they're not premature.

"No." Kenshin says stepping back. A hand shot out and grabbed him by the throat. However it was not a human hand that was gripping him by the throat, but an almost dragon like one. Kefka walked out of the clearing smoke his skin covered in pitch black scales. In place of his ears he had two horns on his head and his eyes were dyed black save for a single red slit serving as his pupil.

"! !" Kenshin grips Kefka's wrist tightly scowling down at him. "How...did you...acquire that? !"

"Heh heh." "Wouldn't you like to know?" "It being your power and all."

Well yes, that would be a pretty good reason to want to know.

Kefka says burying his fist into Kenshin's stomach as he released him sending the demon flying across the dunes of Figaro. Kenshin's eyes widened as Kefka appeared behind him as he flew. "I conned a soul of a man who claimed to be related to you into sealing himself inside my body."


"I promised him he would be reunited with you so he bequeathed all his power to me." Kefka slammed his palm into Kenshin's back sending him flying upward.

"What? !" "A soul of a man related to me?" Kenshin's eyes widened as a face came to him. "NO! !" "I swear I'll kill him! !"

Oh boy. I'm glad we're reaching the "Barog Firestorm" part of this story early.

Kefka appeared in front of him tucking his shoulder flapping his dragon wing rapidly. Kenshin's roared in agony as a fierce wind sliced into his skin at multiple locations. Falling to the ground Kenshin glared weakly at Kefka who smirked condescendingly at the falling demon. "Dammit." "I want to kill him so badly but my body's too weak!" He thought as his body his the sand

That is the perennial problem, isn't it?

"Now!" "It's time for you to die Kenshin!" Kefka says diving toward him his sword in hand poised to run Kenshin through the heart.

"I think...I have enough mana left...to use that spell." Kenshin thought weakly chanting the spell he had in mind.

"Whatever you're planning won't save you now! !" Kefka says stabbing his sword down.

"WARP!" Kenshin shouts as his body disappeared causing Kefka to miss his mark.

Shut him up.

Kefka scowled. "Dammit!" "I hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HATE!" "When my mark gets away! !" He sighs as the scales recede his body turning to normal. "Oh well." "He won't live." "Not with those injuries." "Ugh now I have to make my way out of this desert alone." Kefka muttered feeling another rage fit coming on.

(flashback end)

See this is why I prefered using my imagination. My version included more dick kicking.

Kenshin coughs as Edgar nears the mountain where he left Locke and Terra. "Kenshin?" "What happened back there?" Edgar says.

Picked a fight with someone stronger than him and ran away like a bitch. All while talking up a mean game, I'm sure.

"I got destroyed." Kenshin says staring down at the sand. "Kefka managed to gain the power I once had for himself." He begins to lift himself off the chocobo when Edgar stops him. "Don't move you're still injured." "We'll get you to Terra in a moment."

"Krgh..." "Dammit." Kenshin says. "Without my power I'm nothing." "Now that he has it it's hopeless."

That's the spirit!

"So what?" "You just want to give up?" Edgar asks. "After all the hell you went through to free Terra you just want to quit?"

"Edgar you don't understand." "When I had that power it was nigh impossible to bring me down." Kenshin says. "Now that he has it I doubt we can do anything to stop him."

The whole "nigh impossible to bring me down" thing brings up the old criticism of WHY DID YOU WAIT THREE YEARS TO DO ANYTHING YOU CODSACK?!

Edgar stares ahead. "Hmph." "I didn't know the 'Demon of Vector' was this weak willed." "Just because he lost his precious abilities that made him who he is he thinks it's all over."

"Who cares if you got all of your power taken away. Stand up and fight, you little bitch!"

Edgar's dumb as hell, but I like him.

Kenshin doesn't respond. Edgar sighs. "If your weak then make yourself strong." "You've done it once right?" "It shouldn't be too much trouble to do it again."

Yeah, it'll only take another...however long Kenshin's been at it. I don't know. He could be 500 or 16 or anything in between. Anime logic.

"Tch." "We're gonna be constantly on the run Edgar." Kenshin says. "I doubt we'll have the time."

"That's true." "But we gotta rest sometimes." "When that happens just go out and train your body." "Remember it's not just you fighting anymore." Edgar says.

Kenshin looked up at him before smirking wryly. "Since when do I a let a guy like you lecture me?"

What do you mean "a guy like you?" You mean a guy who doesn't solve every problem by threatening to beat people up?

I'm genuinely curious what what's supposed to imply.

"Heh heh." "Stranger things have happened." Edgar says. "You think you're going to be alright?"

"I'll live." "Most of these cuts are minor." "Enough to take me out of a fight, but not kill me." Kenshin says. "I guess Kefka doesn't know all my tricks."

He knows how to transform into your invincible dragon form. What else is there? Ribbon twirling? Throwing a simple punch?

"Yeah maybe he doesn't know how to use your power?" Edgar says.

Kenshin thought about it. "Maybe...who ever he tricked got wise and isn't telling him anything."

"Hey!" "Edgar what kept ya?" Locke says. "Did you find Kenshin?"

Nah, he searched for half an hour and realized it wasn't worth it.

"Yeah but he needs healing." "He got in way over his head." Edgar says. Kenshin looked up and saw that they had arrived at the mountain range. He started to lift himself up when Locke and Edgar helped him off. Terra ran over to him. "Set him down." "I-I'll start healing."

Kenshin was sat on the ground and Terra sat over him. "What were you thinking?" Terra asks casting a Cure spell.

"I wasn't." Kenshin says.

No shit.

"I just wanted to try to take that bastard out."

"Because of me." Terra says.

"Uh Edgar I think we should start planning where to go next." Locke says motioning his thumb to his leftup his butt.

Edgar nods. "Right." The two walk away leaving Terra and Kenshin alone.

"Yeah..." Kenshin says diverting his vision from her.

"..." Terra remained silent only speaking to recast the Cure spell. She hung her head letting her hair cover her forehead and eyes drawing Kenshin's attention.

"Terra?" He says. Suddenly a teardrop splashes against his cheek.

"I don't know what to feel..." Terra says. "The...these tears won't stop coming out." "Why are they coming out?" "Why does my chest hurt?"

Could be angina. All women have those, right?

Kenshin looked away from her and to the horizon. "I want to comfort her and tell her it's gonna be alright, but at the same time I wouldn't know how." "How do you comfort...no how do you help someone like her who has forgotten what it feels like to have emotions?"

You made her sad by being an impulsive dick, so try doing the opposite and maybe that'll help.

Tritoch peered through the small gateway he had into Kenshin's mentality from his standpoint in Narshe. "Well boy." "You will just have to help her rediscover these emotions she had ripped from her." "Who knows." "It could evolve into something more for you two."

Aren't you supposed to hate him? God, pick a side.



Kenshin and Terra walked over to Edgar and Locke. An uncomfortable silence was between the two.

Edgar had farted and absolutely refused to take the blame.

"Most of the memories I'm recalling right now are of Kenshin-San." "Even though they are not a lot in number...I think I realize how much Kenshin-San has sacrificed for my sake." "But why?" "What was he talking about when he said he knew what it was like to be used?" Terra thought.

"Should I just go ahead and tell her about my past before I got here?" Kenshin thought then shook his head. "No no no how would that help?" "I'm trying to help her recover her emotions not feel sorry for me."

On the other hand, pity is an emotion.

"Damn this is gonna be hard." "I think I should at least apologize for...worrying her."

"Terra?" Kenshin says plausibly wondering if she'd even respond.

"Yes?" Terra asks.

"About...earlier...I'm sorry." Kenshin says.

Terra looked away from him. "I don't know what your apologizing for."

He's got a lot to apologize for, but I guess technically none of it has to do with Terra.

"Coming back injured never bothered you before."

Kenshin was unsure why, but he felt like something was just driven in his chest. "Right."

Quit eating Matchbox cars, you dumb fuck.

"Hey you two." "Everything alright?" Locke asks.

"Yes." The two answer simultaneously.

"Well that's good." Edgar says. "Now we need to start making our way to the Returner's base." So first we need to make our way through this cave system here and to South Figaro where we can rest for the night."

Ah, yes. SOUTH Figaro. The Bojangles of Figaros.

"And from there we can head to Mt. Koltz where the base won't be that far ahead." Kenshin says.

"I'm glad we all know this. Explain it again, just to be safe?"

"Right." Edgar says. "Now let's get moving." Everyone nods making their way into a nearby cave.


Hours later.

The four made out of the cave which Terra and Kenshin thought was pretty short. They would have gotten out sooner if Locke hadn't decided to comb the area for treasure.

I bet that still somehow makes him a thief.

"Jeez Locke did your ass get enough goodies? !" Kenshin says annoyed.

"Yeah?" Locke says unaware of the glare being drilled into his skull by Kenshin.

Edgar looks back and sees this. "Kenshin you seem really pissed off what's up?"

He exists.

"Nothing." "It's just I don't like spending several freaking hours in the same damn place if I don't have to." Kenshin snaps.

Memories came flooding back of the moments right before he massacred the Empire's only operating DMV.

Terra chose not to comment on the conversation taking place. Locke turns back to Kenshin. "What dude we got some free stuff?"

Kenshin facepalmed. "Yeah stuff that we found within the first half hour." "You on the other hand combed every. FUCKING. INCH! Of the cave until we were sure nothing else was left."

Kenshin just doesn't understand how to spelunk caves or please a woman.

Edgar turned to Locke. "Eh...I have to agree with Kenshin on this one Locke." "Even I could tell nothing else was in there."

"Oh whatever." Locke says. "Kenshin can get his panties out a bunch when we get to the inn." Locke says as they enter South Figaro.

"Why you!" Kenshin says going to tackle Locke to the ground.


Edgar holds him back. "Whoa Whoa!" "Kenshin come on Terra's probably tired from healing you mauling Locke will just tire her out more."

"Hmph whatever." Kenshin says. All three men hear a giggling sound as Terra walks by them. They all turn to one another. "Did..." Edgar says.

"Terra..." Kenshin says.

"Just..." Locke says.

Cook a delicious breakfast?

"Giggle?" All three of them say plausibly.

Man, I never get these right...

"Are you three coming?" Terra asks in her usual demeanor.

Edgar Kenshin and Locke take one last look at one another then shrugged. "Nah!" And followed Terra.

"I don't know why, but I enjoy being around these three." "Odd." Terra thought.

Agreed. Any other three people in the world would probably be better companions.

"Hey let's head to the cafe to see if there's any word of attacks." Locke suggests.

Kenshin chuckles. "He says that." "In reality he just wants to see if they sell booze." Locke turns to him an annoyed glare on his face. "No." "Even if that was the case I'm broke."

"Ha ha." "And I ain't paying for your boozing habit."

Yeah Locke, you stupid, poor, alcoholic drunk ass thief!

Kenshin says as the three men and one woman enter the bar. Edgar and Locke go around snooping for rumors while Kenshin and Terra made their way up to the front of the bar where a man garbed in black was sitting with his hound.

Worst "three men and one woman walk into a bar" joke ever.

"Hm...Shadow." Kenshin says stroking his chin in thought. "I've heard of this guy before." "Supposed to be the most efficient mercenary in the world."

He'll suck you under the table in 10 seconds flat.

Terra walked up to the man. "Excuse me."

"..." He chose not to respond.

Kenshin shrugged. "Not the talkative type eh Shadow?"

"..." Shadow remained silent still. Terra leaned over to pet his hound when he turned to her. "Leave us be." "The dog eats unknowns."

He also probably licks his balls.

"Oh." "Well um thanks anyway." Terra says.

"..." Shadow went silent again. Kenshin set his hand on Terra's shoulder. "Come on." "He's obviously not gonna say much else."

"OK." Terra says.

Kenshin and Terra began walking toward the upstairs area when Shadow got up from the bar and stopped Kenshin.

"Terra head on upstairs." "He doesn't look like the kind of man to pick a fight." Kenshin says about the silent ninja mercenary who just threatened to have his dog attack Terra. Terra nods. "OK." "If you need any help just yell."

He will.

"Got it." Kenshin says as Terra heads upstairs.

"You were right." "I'm not here to fight." Shadow says. "A woman with long blonde hair wearing a white jacket and a green onepiece wanted me to pass this along to you." Shadow says holding out a short sword that he recognized. "Hey that's my blade I use to compliment this staff." He says taking it in his hand.

The sword is just complimenting the staff in hopes that the staff will break up with it's boyfriend and realize that the sword was the perfect mate all along.

I mean, what?

"Thanks." Shadow nods and goes to turn away when Kenshin set his hand on the ninja's shoulder. "Hang on I got something for you." He pulls out a small sack of money. "Should be a thousand gil in there."

"Very well." Shadow says.

Kenshin made his way up the stairs smiling down at the blade in his hand. "Thanks Celes."

He walks up to the innkeeper. "I'm with Lord Figaro." He nods and points Kenshin into the room.

Aren't you supposed to be travelling under the radar at the moment? I'm not going crazy, right? The entire idea was to make it to Mt. Koltz without the Empire finding you, and visibly having the king shack up there seems counterintuitive, right?

"Hey Kenshin what kept ya?" Locke says.

"One of the guys back there had something for me." Kenshin says.

"So no fighting?" Terra asks.

Does he look gassed and like he just got his shit pushed in?

"Nope." Kenshin answers.

"Wait...Kenshin who gave you that blade in your hand?" Edgar asks.

Why don't we try putting two and two together, Edgar?

"The guy at the bar." "Names Shadow." Kenshin says.

"ARE YOU NUTS? !" "Toss that thing out this instant!" Edgar shouts.

"Huh?" Kenshin says. "Why?" "The blade was mine to begin with." "A friend of mine ran into him and asked him to give this to me."

"And?" "Your friends are now our enemies." Edgar says. "They could have poisoned the handle or something for all we know."

Or they could've just hired the silent ninja mercenary to kill him and save the trouble. You know. Like normal villains.

"Doubtful." Kenshin says. "The friend I'm talking about and I were really close." "She'd never try to willingly kill me unless I did something really bad to her."

"Oh?" Locke says. "Was she your...lover?"

Terra stared over at Kenshin curiously. "Wait why do I care about his private affairs?" She thought.

You know, besides the fact that he's one of the few people trying to rescue you.

"No." "We're like siblings."

Not that that precludes anything in South Figaro.

"She didn't have a family growing up and I don't know where my family is." Kenshin says. "Now if you need me I'll be outside of town training."

At this point, a trap remix of "Eye of the Tiger" plays to a montage of Kenshin swinging his sword in front of him and looking pissed off.

"Well Edgar he used to be a general of Vector and we're trusting him so why not give his friend a chance?"

Yeah, you're trusting this guy who very blatantly betrayed his own country to help you, why not trust his friends? They're practically the same person!

Locke says. Edgar strokes his chin in thought. "What about you Terra?" "What do you think?"

"I...I trust whomever Kenshin-San trusts." Terra says then gets up from the bed.

Unfortunately, Kenshin has a bad habit of investing in pyramid schemes. Drat.

"I'm going out."

"OK Terra." "If and when we see her we'll give her the benefit of doubt." Edgar concedes.

Meanwhile Kenshin was outside running through basic sword and staff stances when a familiar voice rang in the clearing. "Ice!" "Ice!" "Baby!"

Kenshin's eyes widen jumping backward as a column of blue light zipped upward where he was standing previously.

Kenshin looked to the right and left. "Man I didn't think I'd actually run into you." "Celes what's up?"


Edgar was right to preemptively give her the benefit of the doubt.

"Whoa!" Kenshin says jumping back as she cast the spell over and over again. Celes appeared and clashed blades with Kenshin.

"Damn Celes whats up? !" Kenshin shouts.

"I want to know that for myself!" She shouts. "Are you out of your mind? !" "Trying to kill Kefka alone and openly betraying Lord Gesthal? !"

The giant "fuck you" written on the castle in smeared pig feces was uncharacteristically subtle of Kenshin.

"You knew what I was planning to do Celes." Kenshin says seriously. "I freed Terra from that clown freak's control so I cut my ties with Vector." "If you had been there with us I would have taken you along with me." Kenshin stepped back panting. "Kuso."

You say "shit" every other sentence. It's a very regular occurance with you. Stop with the "kuso" shit.

"That's another question I've been meaning to ask you." Celes says dipping her shoulder down and charging into Kenshin knocking him down. She held her blade pressed to Kenshin's neck. "Why do you care so much for that girl Terra?" "You barely know her."

Well I barely know you and you're already my favorite character.

"I...I just do alright." Kenshin says taking a moment to answer.

"Right like I'd believe that load of shit." "Aside from Leo and I you never wanted to help anyone from Vector." Celes says critically

And yet apparently he told you about his plan to free Terra. I don't know how you missed that one.

"Tch." Kenshin says.

Ducking behind a hill Terra laid waiting for Kenshin's answer. "I can't see who that is, but maybe she can help me learn more about Kenshin-San."

After she kills him, that is.

"Celes." "You should already know." Kenshin says batting her sword away with his own. "So there's really no point in repeating it!" Kenshin sprung to his feet and began chanting. "Bolt!"

"Runic Blade!" Celes shouts as the spell Kenshin fired off was absorbed into her sword. Kenshin cursed jumping back and angling his body right and left as Celes stabbed at him before slashing upward. "Crap!"

"Fire!" Celes' eyes widened jumping backward as a line of fire appeared where she was just standing. "Damn." "She's here with you too?

Well goddamn Celes, that was the entire point, wasn't it? Can no one in this stupid shit draw an obvious conclusion?

"Yes." Kenshin says turning toward Terra. "Thanks, but I thought you wanted to rest."

"I was over there watching you train." Terra says. Kenshin's eyebrows shot into his hairline.


"Is this your sister?" Terra asks.

"Yeah." "Her name's Celes Chere." Kenshin says then receives a stone to his head.

"I can introduce myself idiot!" Celes says.

I'm beginning to see a family resemblance.

"Fine jeez!" Kenshin says going to cast a Cure spell on himself.

"What are you doing out here?" Terra asks. "Aren't you a officer of the Empire as well?"

"I'm...planning on deserting." Celes admits.

OH. OKAY. That makes the entire "Urgh I'm mad at you because you deserted" sequence TOTALLY STUPID, but okay!

"I would have awhile ago if my asshole of a brother didn't leave me high and dry!"

"Well sorry!" "It's not like I had anyway of getting in touch with you Sis!" Kenshin says

"OK OK!" Terra says. "I don't know a lot about family, but I'm pretty sure they don't argue like this!"

You mean over stupid and petty shit? Have you been paying attention to Kenshin's behavior at all?

Kenshin and Celes stare at Terra mildly surprised. Then turn to each other. "She's right." Celes says.

Could've fooled me!

"Yeah." "So Celes what are you doing here?" "Not that y'know I'm not glad to see you, but." Kenshin says.

"Ha ha." Celes laughs. "It's fine." "But um...please tell me your not staying in South Figaro."

"Why?" Kenshin asks, hearing the soft strum of banjos twanging in the dusk.

"We're going to invade there." Celes says. "Kefka managed to get word over to Gesthal that you and Lord Figaro betrayed us and we're going to start taking over." "You and Terra are to be brought in alive and Edgar Figaro was to be brought in either way."

"How long do we have?" Kenshin asks. "And how big is the invasion force?"

"And why should I care if it doesn't involve me?"

"Half a day tops." Celes answers. "And Standard Invasion Protocol."

"Fuck." "Probably shouldn't chance it." "Got any Tents?" Kenshin asks. Celes nods and hands him one package labeled 'Tent Supplies.'

And another one labeled "You don't have to conform to RPG mechanics in your fanfiction you stupid dumbass dolt idiot baka."

"Thanks Celes." Kenshin says walking over to her and embracing her. "I'll pay you back soon I promise." "Terra let's move." Kenshin says walking back to South Figaro. Terra turns to Celes and bows respectfully. "Thank you."

"Don't mention it." Celes says. Terra follows Kenshin as Celes walks back

Little did Celes know. An Imperial soldier was watching this proceeding and ran back to tell the rest of his group.


Oh no. I hope she lives!

Back at South Figaro, where the buffalo roam, and the black people hang from the trees~.

Kenshin ran up to the inn and shook Edgar awake while Terra did the same with Locke. "Uhnn...What?" "Why you shakin' so hard?" The king say blearily.

"We gotta make tracks Edgar." Kenshin says. "The Empire's sending an invasion force our way."


Edgar cursed and hopped out of bed. "You're sure about this?" Edgar asks.

"You know that friend I told you about." "Well she is actually a general of Vector." Kenshin says. "She told me this and I'd really rather not chance going against an invasion force."

"So what we gotta skip town?" Locke asks.

"'Fraid so Locke." Kenshin says.

Edgar and the others make their way out of South Figaro.

Phew. Glad that serious obstacle has been overcome.

"Hey Kenshin do you mind if we go up north first?" "There's something I want to check on."

"Doesn't matter to me." "As long as we're not here when the Empire gets here." Kenshin says looking back at South Figaro. "I just hope those people can stay safe." "Especially those very welcoming men in the white hoods."

"Yes." "I hope so too." Terra says.

Later the group arrives at a cottage and walks right in. Edgar picks up and scent while Kenshin's face scrunched up in disgust.

"What's that smell?" Edgar wonders aloud.

Draconis' BO seems to have reached a point that it's crossed through the screen.

"Ugh." "It smells like blood in here." Kenshin says.

"What makes you say that?" "There's no blood stains." Locke says.

...I would imagine because it smells like blood. It's a pretty distinct smell.

Terra nods her head in agreement.

"Kenshin?" Edgar says.

"Someone probably came in and cleaned it up." Kenshin says. "Ugh let's get out of here." He says exiting the house. Edgar Locke and Terra followed close behind and saw Kenshin talking with an elderly man standing in front of a well.

Oh good, Kenshin's proctologist came to give him his ass-pain medicine himself.

"You know the guy that lived here?" Kenshin asks.

"Of course." "A young man found the inside drenched in blood and cleaned it up."

Well that was good of him to tamper with evidence.

"He had heard Master Duncan had been slain and went off to Mt. Koltz to locate the culprit." "Duncan's son Vargas is also missing...I don't like where that's heading one bit."

Don't call the cops though. That'd be too obvious.

"Did you happen to catch the young man's name?" Kenshin asks.

"Ah yes." "It was Sabin I believe." Edgar's head snapped over to the two. Kenshin notices this and nods. "OK thank you." Walking back over to the group he pats Edgar on the shoulder. "Wanna head to Koltz now or later?"

Without warning Edgar took off toward the east. "Well I'll take that as a yes." Kenshin says. "Let's go."

Edgar's gonna feel really silly when he realizes the old man was just mispronouncing the word "satan."


The Next Day. Gay

Terra Locke and Kenshin manage to catch up with Edgar and convince him to set up a tent for the night at the base of Mt. Kolts. They were ascending the mountain now. "Ah!" "Aren't you glad we rested Edgar?" Locke says.

"I suppose." Edgar says. Kenshin checks behind them and narrows his eyes. Terra turns her head toward him. "Kenshin-San?" "Is everything alright?"'

Everything's fine. Kenshin is just performing his daily ritual of pretending he's Japanese.

"You three ever get the feeling that you know you're being followed?" Kenshin questions. Edgar and Locke look around. "You don't think the guy that did in Sabin's master is coming after us do you?"

You have an entire army that just sacked a village trying to find you, but the guy you've never met that knows nothing about you seems equally possible.

"If they are then that means the Vectorians put money on Edgar's Terra's and my own head." Kenshin says. "Be better to ascend this peak if we weren't getting mauled by monsters every two minutes."

"Aw come on Kenshin." "It helps in your training doesn't it." Locke says in an amused tone.

Getting mauled my monsters helps in what training? His "getting his ass whooped" training? I don't think he needs to train in that anymore.

"Yeah I guess." Kenshin says.

"Well good news." "There's the exit." Edgar says as they come up on a twisting path leading to a cave opening.

"Wait." "Who the hell is that?" Kenshin asks seeing a tan skinned silvery haired man wearing bluish martial arts pants, a orangeish sash, and two red wristbands with long extensions.

My Dragon Ball GT Saiyan OC from fifth grade?

They confront the man.

"You must be Vargas." Edgar says.

"Sabin sent you right?" Vargas says.

Logical conclusion.

Without warning Vargas jumped on top of the cave entrance and sprung over them causing them to jump back. "Whoa what the hell? !" Locke says.

"You were the one following us earlier weren't you?" Kenshin says critically.

"Critically?" Is Kenshin going to start evaluating Vargas' stalking skills?

"Ha ha ha!" "Exactly!" Vargas says. "And how unfortunate your fates are to have crossed paths with me!"

Kenshin glares. "Tch Yeah right." "It's four on one buddy." "Let's kick his ass."

I'm queueing up the Price is Right "miss" jingle.

"Oh your right how unobservant of me." Vargas smirks then whistles as two Ipooh bears come to his sides. "This should even the odds a bit wouldn't you say?"

"Plan?" Locke says turning to Kenshin.

"No plan really." "Just take out the bears stay healed and Vargas will be easy pickings." Kenshin says taking out his staff and sword changing the staff into it's chain form.

I'm so glad the Empire considered you general material with brilliant tactics like this.

"How bout this." Edgar says. "Kenshin Locke you take out the bears and Terra and I will wear Vargas down."

"OK." Kenshin says blocking one of the bears attacks. "Give us some support with those gadgets of yours."

"Got it." "Terra cast some spells." Edgar says.

Edgar over here though, he went to college.

Terra had already begun chanting. "Fire!" Lines of fire erupted toward Vargas and his two bears. Vargas jumped out of the way and kicked toward it as a gust of wind blew the fire out.

"What the?" Kenshin says struggling against the bear's strength. "Get offa me!" He shouts throwing the bear off him. "Crap." "Terra apparently Fire won't work on him so concentrate on healing!" He says.

"Alright!" She replies back as Locke gets sent flying into the rocky wall of the mountain.

"Damn." "These bears are stronger than they appear." Locke says.

They're fucking bears, dude. How weak did you expect them to be?

Terra holds her hand over him. "Cure."

"Ahh." "Thanks Terra." Locke says. "Yo Kenshin!"

"I'm kinda busy at the moment!" Kenshin says holding one of the bears back.

"Before you two make a plan move!" Edgar says holding his crossbow at the ready. Kenshin jumps back as Edgar fires of a salvo of arrows at the bears and Vargas. The bears huddle together and protect Vargas.

The stupid ass bears seem to have a better strategy going on than the actual heroes.

"Now!" Kenshin says swinging his chain at the bears wrapping it around them both locking them in place. He slashed his sword at the bears necks. The other three close their eyes as the bears head's fall to the ground as Kenshin shoves their bodies off the cliff. "Might as well get used to this you three." "The Empire wouldn't hesitate to do something similar to us."

Just because they don't try to kill everyone they meet or brag about how much of a badass they are doesn't mean that the two rebellion members and the girl who's best known for killing 50 people in an hour aren't used to killing yet.

He flicks the blood off his sword and turns to Vargas.

Edgar sighs and walks forward. "It's over Vargas." "Give up."

"Nothing is over!" "Away with you!" Vargas shouts.

"Give it up!" A voice shouts out. Kenshin looks up and sees a muscular youth with a buzz cut wearing a blue tanktop and gray martial artist pants.

My Street Fighter OC (who was also Guile's brother and Ken's son) from the sixth grade?

Edgar's head snapped upward. "Sabin? !"

"So you've come." Vargas says as Sabin lands in front of them.

"Why did you do it Vargas?" Sabin demands. "How could you kill your own father in cold blood? !"

Kenshin's eyes widen a margin at this. "His own father?"

"He had heard Master Duncan had been slain and went off to Mt. Koltz to locate the culprit." "Duncan's son Vargas is also missing...I don't like where that's heading one bit."

Man, what is basic reading comprehension.

"Idiot!" "He made the mistake of choosing you as successor!" Vargas spat angrily. "Over me his only son."

Sabin looks down and sighs. "No you're wrong." "He really chose you he just called me in to tell me on that day."

Duncan: Hey Sabin, I just called you over here to tell you that I'm picking my son to be my successor. LOSER!

"Lies!" Vargas shouts.

"No I'm not." Sabin says. "He truly wanted you to succeed him." "Not me." "He appreciated your spirit."

I thought spirit was one of those things you complimented LOSERS on.

"Enough of your pathetic lies!" Vargas shouts. "Taste my ultimate technique!" He snarls assuming a stance.

"Mortal Attack!" "Blizzard Fist!" Vargas shouts as a powerful wind kicks up pushing everyone back. Kenshin dug his hands into the ground holding himself in place. Sabin held his ground while Edgar Locke and Terra were blown into the mountain wall.

Bum bum buh-bum. Buuuuuuuuuum.

"Ah Sabin." "The master taught you well." Vargas says smirking. "And you did well to resist my technique." He says looking toward Kenshin.

Let's suck Kenshin's dick right before we kill him, why not?

"You." Sabin says. "Who are you?"

"Kenshin." He says.

"Very well Kenshin." "I ask that you stay out of this fight." Sabin says. "This is a personal matter between the two of us." "Go check on Edgar and the others."

"Right." Kenshin says running over to Terra Locke and Edgar.

Use a goddamned comma.

"Heh heh heh." "Fate decided this from the very beginning Sabin!" Vargas smirks. "Now go to your doom!" "Doom Fist!"

Sabin grunted feeling Vargas' fist collide with his skull. "Damn." He says. "This technique kills it's victim after a predetermined amount of time." "Where did he learn this?"

From watching Kill Bill?

Sabin laid his fist into Vargas' stomach. "Tch!" "I tire of this nonsense!" Vargas says grabbing his arm and tossing him away.

"Sabin!" Kenshin shouts. Sabin turns to him. "Relax and stay out of it." "I got this."

Kenshin steps looks him in the eyes and nods. "He does." "He's got that confidence."

The same confidence you had before Kefka beat you senseless with jumper cables?

I mean, magic.

"You have it do you?" Vargas says punching him across the face and then in the chest. "Fool!"

"Damn." "I need to use a blitz technique." "Aurabolt takes too long and he's too fast for me to Suplex." Sabin thought. "Alright." "Let's go with the pummel attack."

"Come on!" "Is that all? !" Vargas shouts.

"Not in the least!" Sabin says jumping in front of him and laying his fists over and over again into Vargas' body.

Vargas steps back. "Wh-What the?" "He...already taught you that? !"

"He taught you how to punch people repeatedly?! HOW DID YOU GET SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME?!"

"Tch." "You were lusting for power too much and you missed out." Sabin says as Vargas falls to the ground dead. He looked at his spiked knucklers and Kenshin walked over and set his hand on his shoulder.

"I think he might be at peace now." Kenshin says. "He no longer has to lust for power."

I'm trying to figure out how the author expects his readers to buy that Kenshin is this noble, honorable samurai type person when all he's done up to this point is curse and react over violently to any transgression.

Sabin nods. "I hope so." "Is everyone alright?" Kenshin nods. At that moment they chose to wake up. "Ugh...Sabin!" Edgar says.

That was some dream he was having.

"Big Brother?" Sabin says.

Locke looks toward Edgar and then Sabin. "Well we got a family reunion on our hands don't we?"

Terra looked over at Sabin. "Hm?" "His younger brother?" "I thought he was just some bodybuilder who had strayed from his gym."

Because that makes sense.

"Tch ha ha ha!" Kenshin laughs. Sabin pumps his fist into the air with and annoyed look on his face. "A bodybuilder? !" His face lightened up. "I'll take that as a compliment."

"So where are you heading Edgar?" Sabin asks. Edgar looks toward the cave opening. "We're heading toward the Sabil Mountains."

...The ones you're currently on...

Sabin nods. "No doubt to check in with the Returners huh?"

"Huh?" "You know?" Locke says. Sabin shrugs. "I also know that those two are former Imperial officers on the run." He says pointing at Kenshin and Terra. "Edgar if things keep up like this Figaro's gonna be taken over completely."

Yeah, but at least the South (Figaro) will rise again! *shoots Springfield rifles into the air*

"Right." Edgar says. "The Empire's going to pay for what it has done." "It's time we took the fight to them."

"Heh." "Think a beast like myself could lend you guys a hand?" Sabin says.

"Huh?" "You mean you'll help us? !" Edgar says. Sabin nods. "I think Master would rest easy if he knew his disciple helped bring peace to the world."

"Yeah." "Anyway let's get going." Locke says.

"Right." Everyone says as the group of five make their way out of the mountain.

You can tell when the author steals. The characters come off as far mor personable and charming. Also there's less Japanese and random swearing, not that I have any fucking room to talk.

(chapter end)

Draconis: Damn I didn't think I'd get this far.

I was beginning to lose hope myself.

Kenshin: Ya think? But anyway most of the arc you just cover was mainly walking around and grinding for levels here and there right?

Draconis: Yeah. (looks around) Where is everyone?

Kenshin: I think Edgar went out to get reacquainted with his brother.

South Figaro style.

Locke probably went to go pickpocket someone

Because he's a thief and has no other noteworthy attributes.

and Terra's taking a nap.

Draconis: (Yawn) Really? Huh I guess I better be hitting the hay myself.

More like "hitting the gay."

It's been a long chapter, give me a break.

Anyway I know I blew through some segments, but as I said in the summary. It follows the FF6 plot. Also I plan on posting another chapter shortly after this one.

I don't.

Whelp so long ladies and gents.

Draconis678 out of his goddamned mind.

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Post #7

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post Jan 7 2017, 04:20 PM
Now back to America's favorite sitcom, Everybody Loves Draconis(Because no one in real life does)!

Draconis: Annnnd welcome back.

Kenshin: So seeing as you feel we're going too fast here where do you plan on stopping?

Here. Boom. Problem solved forever.

Draconis: After the Ultros fight. Then I can decide which part of the three-way fork I write on first.

Terra: Ultros?

Draconis: He's a squid...or is he an octopus?

Ultros: I'm an OCTOPUS!

Draconis: OK OK! Now shut it before I have Sabin Edgar and Kenshin make Kalamari.

Calamari. And calamari is squid, not octopus. Why can't you even put a cogent joke together anymore?

Kenshin: (Grabs kitchenware.) C'mere Ultros!

Ultros: Nooo! Stay away! Don't cook me.

Draconis: (shrugs) I was kidding. Ultros is kinda funny.

You are kinda not.

Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale

Chapter 4

Three Way Split

The sexiest of all ice cream dishes.

Draconis: I've got another Ultros chapter name stowed away for later. Uh...Hey Sabin wanna say the word for me?

Sabin: Eh sure. (takes a breath) BEGIN!

(Start) (A/N: Draconis: Little loud there Sabin.)

It's amazing how much volume can be transferred through text.

A Day after the fight with Vargas.

Everyone had decided to camp at the other side of Mt. Koltz after the fight. Not because they were tired or anything. Edgar just wanted to get reacquainted with Sabin.

Locke rose up and yawned. "Ahh..!" He groaned out stretching his limbs. "Really coulda used a Tent there." He stood up and looked over at Edgar who was sleeping with Sabin next to him. "Huh." "I guess they must have fallen asleep catching up."

See, I don't want to do an incest joke because it's too easy and whatnot, but the shit you keep writing makes it so easy to infer that without me being a snark.

He looked over at Kenshin and Terra who were also asleep and bit back a laugh. "Oh man." "What do we have here?"

A coupla haytas?

Kenshin was on his back snoozing away while Terra's head was laid on his chest. One of the demon's arms was wrapped around her delicate frame. Locke leaned in closer and noticed they both had a small smile on their faces. "He he." "Seems they're enjoying each others warmth."

I don't know why this trope--that is, the two people who totally aren't in love accidentally sleep on each other thing--exists. Bardick did a similar thing with Joe and Lucca and it was less plausible there. I'm not even sure it exists outside of really self-aware anime.

Kenshin's eyes cracked open and heard Locke's snickering. "What's so funny plunder boy?"

Locke ignored the jab and laughed. "I dunno." "Say Kenshin you feel a little weighed down?"

Yeah, by his massive dick!


"What?" Kenshin said going to sit up. He blinked. "What's holding me down?" He thought. He lifted his head upward and saw green hair and a dainty hand on his chest.

"Terra?" He thought. "When did this happen?" "We were on separate sides of the campfire we had going."

Apparently one of you very awkwardly and probably nasally woke up and decided to grope the other overnight.

He shook Terra's body. "Terra." "Wake up it's morning." Slowly she awakened and looked up at him. "Oh." "Good Morning Kenshin-San." "I was feeling cold and came over here next to you." "You don't mind do you?" She asks.

Kenshin blinked at the curious expression on her face then averted his sight his face flushed slightly. "No." "If...you need anything don't hesitate to ask."

Well she needed warmth, and she took that without even asking, so I don't think that'll be a problem.

Terra noticed the red tint on his face. "Kenshin-San are you sick?" "Face me for a second." Against his better judgment he did so and Terra placed her forehead against his. "Hm?" "Your really warm up here." "Are you alright."

Kenshin's face flushed deeper at the contact. "A-Ah...Y-Yes I'm fine."

"Tch ha ha ha!" "You're blushing over there Kenshin!" Locke laughed as Kenshin and Terra got to their feet.

"Shaddap Locke!" Kenshin snaps.

Seriously. You're getting as bad as MC Fuckboi over here and his insistence of calling you a thief.

"Uuhnn." "Is it morning already?" Edgar asks blearily.

"Yeah." "Get up and let's get moving." Locke says.

(yawn) "Hey Sabin wake up." "It's time to get moving again." Edgar says leaning over his brother's sleeping body shaking him.

Sabin's eyes snapped open and his fist sailed into Edgar's teeth sending him flying. "Ha ha ha!" "Damn this is a good morning for me!" Locke laughs.

Yeah. Your friend got punched in the face and you got to make fun of a dude for sleeping with a chick. You're a real winner today.

"Brother are you OK? !" Sabin says worried.

"Oooowwwww." Edgar groaned rubbing his face.

"Can we quit jacking around and get moving?" Kenshin says. Everyone shrugs and dusts themselves off and makes their way to the Returner's hideout.

And now that Act Three of this Shakespearean comedy has played out, its time for me to remember that Kenshin is apparently a Returner, which angers me.


Later that morning in the evening

The intrepid group of five arrived at a cave. "Well here we are." Edgar says still rubbing his sore face. "Sabin you're a dick I swear."

"For the hundredth time I'm sorry!" Sabin shouts.

"Ahem." "If you two are done Banon is expecting us." Kenshin says walking into the cave when a guard stood on duty. "Hey." "I'm here with Lord Figaro his brother Sabin Locke Cole and the girl Banon-Sama's been so interested in."

Wow, that's funny. His brother's middle name is the same as Locke's!

"Oh!" "Kuroshi-Sama please you and your party this way!" The guard says leading them to a room a bit of the way inside the cave. Banon turned to them. "Ah Kenshin Locke Edgar you've arrived."

"We've brought the girl." Edgar says. Kenshin turns to Edgar. "Remember our arrangement."

"Arrangement?" Banon questioned. Kenshin faceplamed. "You never told him? !"

He still hasn't really told us yet.

"I'll explain later." Edgar says. Banon nods and walks up to Terra. "So this is the girl who can talk to the espers?"

She can also talk to people, she just rarely does.

"Huh?" Terra says confused. "Espers?"

"She doesn't know who or what we are yet?" Tritoch says. "Shame."

"Hmph." Kenshin sounds. Banon turns to him. "Kenshin what is it?"

"The esper the empire sent us after made a mental connection with me." "It was lamenting at Terra not knowing what they were." Kenshin says. "Basically I can communicate with it alone." Kenshin says.

And he's saying "Kenshin is cool, you should give him all of your money and let him bang your wife."

"Are you sure you should have told them about that?" Tritoch reprimands.

"Tritoch...it's fine." Kenshin thought.

"OK then." Banon says. "Now this girl." Kenshin cuts in. "She has a name." "It's Terra."

Whoa whoa whoa whoa. Are we really going to leave that whole "I can communicate with my imaginary esper friend" thing without any comment? For real?

"Right." "My apologies." Banon says. "As I was saying." "Messengers brought information that she wiped out fifty of the empire's best soldiers in mere minutes."

You're stupid.

Terra turns away. "No!" "That is a lie! !" Locke walks over to her and sets a hand on her shoulder. Kenshin glares at Banon. "What the hell was that about? !" "She's got amnesia you old bastard!"

Apparently so, since you just told her she did the same thing two chapters ago.

"Silence!" Banon shouts.

Everyone went silent, but Kenshin kept his eyes on Banon scowling his hand on his sword.

Oh get over it, you giant pussywillow.

"Once this land and it's people were pure and innocent." "There was a box the people were told never to open, but one went and opened it anyway." "That man unleashed the evils of the world envy, greed, pride, violence, control." "All that was left in this box afterward was a singular light: Hope."

Terra remained silent as Banon stood in front of her. "We now need to confront these evils." "You and him." Banon said gesturing toward Kenshin. "Are our last hope."

This world had a good run while it lasted.

Banon sighed. "I am so tired." "Let me rest."

Kenshin removed his hand from his blade and walked toward Terra as Locke Edgar and Sabin huddled together. "Are you alright?"

Terra nods. "Y-Yes." "I-I feel tired all of the sudden though."

Banon must be passing around the sleepies tonight.

"I understand." Kenshin says. "Come with me." Terra nods as Kenshin takes her hand and guides her to an empty room.

Terra looks up at him as he sets her on the bed. "Could you...sit with me for a minute?"

Kenshin blinks then nods sitting next to her. "Terra." "Are you sure everything is alright?"

Terra turns to him. "Kenshin." She says dropping the suffix.

Thank Christ.

"Could you tell me something about the other time you were used?"

Kenshin looked down at the floor. "Alright." "You know that I don't know where my family is right?" He received a nod. "Well at the time I was being used by someone." "I had to stand against them."

"I-I see." "Is the reason you can't find them because they're..."

"Dead?" "Oh no they're very much alive it's just...well at the time I nearly killed my father because the person that was using me was using a close friend of mine as leverage to make me do his bidding." Kenshin says. "I had just started to try to make things up to them when we got split up."

Motherfucker, I don't give a shit about your other dumbass fanfics, don't push that shit here.

"Oh...I-I'm sorry." Terra says. Kenshin chuckles. "It's not your fault Terra." "Just focus on getting your memory back." "Then I'll tell you more about me." Kenshin rose up from the bed and sat in the chair next to the bed. "If you need anything else I'll be right here."

Terra nods laying down on the bed. "Kenshin-San." "I have one last question if I may."

"Sure what is it?" Kenshin smiles.

"Has anyone really been far as decided to use even go want to do look more like?"

"What is love?" Terra asks.

Kenshin blinks several times. "Why do you ask?"

"Well...while we were in the last town I saw a lady telling a man she loved him." "I'm confused by that statement." Terra says.

Why, was the dude ugly?

"Hm...Terra I'm not really sure I could explain it right now." Kenshin says honestly.

"Will you teach me...one day?" Terra asks.

Kenshin turns his head away from her. "Sure...one day." He says trying to fight down a blush.

You know that movie where the two nerds invent the perfect love robot, but then it turns out that she's actually superpowered and tries to help the dudes stop being such nerds?

That was a terrible film. I think Home Movies did a parody of it.

Terra nods and closes her eyes. Kenshin turned to her and noticed she was fast asleep. "Hm." "A fast sleeper huh?" Kenshin murmurred, realizing he could use this to his advantage. He leaned over and brushed some hair out of her face. "At first I just wanted to free you from the control of that madman." "But

I've got to admit." "You've kinda grown on me."

Kenshin stared as Terra unconsciously grabbed his wrist and made his hand cup her cheek. "What the?" He heard her say something and listened in.

"Kenshin-San's warmth...it's so inviting."

Kenshin's blush returned. "I wonder if she knows she makes my face flush every time she does something like this." Terra loosened her grip allowing Kenshin to take his hand away.

Locke walked into the room. "Hey." "Is she OK?"

In a manner of speaking.

Kenshin nods. "She's fine." "Just a little shaken up from being reminded about...'that'"

"I see." "Can't blame her." "I would be too if I were her." Locke says.

Kenshin sighs. "Which is why I want to keep her safe from the Empire." "She never deserved it."

You don't know that. Hell, for all you know, she killed orphans or wrote fanfiction.

"Yeah." "Say Kenshin why did you join the Returners?" Locke asks.

"Because I was sick of how the Empire was destroying the world for nothing more than their own gain." Kenshin says. "Well that and I lost a bet with Edgar."

Which isn't the only thing he lost to Edgar. wink.gif

"He he." "A bet huh?" Locke says.

"Yeah." "But I could ask you the same question Locke." "You don't look like someone who would be concerned with this." Kenshin says.

"Uh..." Locke stammered, thinking back to his days of doing LSD in the Peace Corp. "Same." "Lost a bet."

"Someone important to me was jailed by the Empire." "Since then I've despised the Empire." "I joined because of that." Locke says.

"I see." Kenshin says. He turns to leave the room. "Let me know when she wakes up."

"Yeah." Locke says walking over to the side of the room and staring at the wall as if to contemplate something.

Nah, that Locke is just a bit soft in the head, on account of the retardation.

Kenshin found Edgar standing outside the room. "She's fine if that's what you were going to ask."

"Good." Edgar says.

"Edgar you knew of our deal for a year." "You couldn't think of anytime to tell Banon?" Kenshin says.

"My apologies." "Between keeping up appearances and ruling over my kingdom I didn't have much time." Edgar says.

Plus, Banon's gone on this whole "Christianity" kick, and if Edgar confessed to gambling all he'd do is bitch, bitch, bitch...

Kenshin went to retort, but his words failed to come out. "I guess you have a point." Kenshin says begrudgingly.

"Kenshin we really need her help." "You know we do." Edgar says.

"Haaah.." "I realize that Edgar, but she's been forced to do enough don't you think?" "I just want this one chance for her choice to be her own." Kenshin says.

"I understand and agree." Edgar says.

Little did they know Banon was listening in on their conversation. "So that's all it is." "I see." He thought.

I'm not really sure what all's being alluded to here, and to be frank, I doubt Draconis does either.


Later Terra awoke and notice Locke staring at the wall. "Locke?" "Is everything alright?"

Locke is never alright.

"Huh?" "Oh yeah." "I'm just contemplating why I joined the Returners." Locke says.

"Why did you?" Terra asks. Locke sighs and repeats the same thing he told Kenshin.

"I spent so many years chasing the dragon, when it turned out that the dragon was me..."

Terra looked down. "That...sounds nice." "I wouldn't know what that's like having no significant 'other' of my own."

Locke grins. "What about Kenshin?" Terra looks up at him. "Kenshin-San?" "What about him?"

"Well he obviously cares a lot about you." "Not a lot of guys would sacrifice rank and whatnot for someone else's sake." Locke says. "I'm just saying maybe Kenshin could be your significant other."

Draconis, can you stop having every character in this game try to play matchmaker for your lonely ass self-insert? Please?

Terra pondered this statement. Locke added to his statement. "Besides I know Edgar and I feel you're important to us." "And you'll find more as you go along." Locke says.

Terra nods. "Thanks Locke." "I'll try to remember that." Locke chuckles and nods. Terra leaves the room and finds Sabin standing in what looked to be the living quarters of the hideout.

She knew this because she rolled a nat 20 on Perception.

"Hi...um Sabin was it?" Terra says.

"Yeah?" Sabin says.

"Do you know about any of the Returners?" She asks.

"Well not really." Sabin says. "I do know that you can trust my brother completely." "He's always treated me fairly." "But Terra."

"Yes?" She asks. Sabin chuckles. "Just don't tell him I told you that OK?"

"Of course." Terra says.

I've noticed a switch to present tense throughout this section, and I'm guessing that Draconis is either stealing from a walkthrough or writing this as he's playing the game.

Terra walks to the back and finds Edgar. "Edgar?" Terra asks.

Edgar sighs and decides to get to the point. "Kenshin wanted this to be left to you as your choice." "If we try to force you we're really no different than the Empire." "But I will say this." "We really need your help Terra." "Kenshin alone won't be enough."

Given how absurd his powers are supposed to be, I wouldn't be so sure.

"Well where is Kenshin-San?" Terra asks.

"He's outside the hideout with Banon." Edgar says. Terra nods and makes her way outside. Banon turns to her. "Well...Kenshin explained it to me and the choice is yours."

"Will you become our last hope?" Kenshin watched her as she began to speak her answers.

As opposed to miming them through colorful genuflection?

Terra took a breath then spoke. "No."

Kenshin stared then nods. "OK."

"You are sure about this?" Banon says.

"Yes." Terra says then walks back inside. Kenshin follows her inside and sets his hand on her shoulder.

That seems like something I would write to try to be funny, but it's not. I know where he's going with this--you get a better item if you say "no" to Banon--but it's still such an anti-climax that it's hilarious.

"Hey." "Are you OK?" Kenshin asks.

"I'm just wondering...could anyone really put their hope in me?" Terra asks. Kenshin sighs as they slowly walk to the living quarters. "Don't talk like that." "You've just had enough with conflicts and want to distance yourself from it."

Pff, speaking for others...that's not how good allyship works, Kenshin.

"Yes." "I...I suppose." "Will...will you come with me?" Terra asks.

Kenshin smiles and nods. "Sure." "I'll go with you wherever you'd like to go."

Isn't Kenshin supposed to be helping the Returners regardless of what Terra does? I feel like that was part of the deal he stupidly made with Edgar.

Banon rushed inside. "What's going on? !" "What happened? !"

A staggering Returner shambled into the hideout. The others gathered around. Kenshin looks him over. "Someone did a number on him big time."

Yeah. A number two, hehehehe.

"S-South...Figaro." The man says.

Edgar ran up to the man. "What about South Figaro?" "Is it taken over?"

"Empire...took over Figaro...Coming this way." He said.

"They've located us!" "We don't have a moment to lose!" Banon says.

Chill out guys. South Figaro will rise again, don't worry...

Kenshin turns to Locke. "Locke we need you to go into South Figaro and slow the Empire down."

"Right." "You can count on me guys." Locke says.

"Yeah this is right in your element." "Good luck." Edgar says.

Locke nods and turns to Terra and Kenshin. "Meet you in Narshe." "And Kenshin." "Don't let a certain lecherous king who shall remain nameless near Terra."

Yeah, see, that's pretty blatantly ripped dialog, and that only shows up when he uses present tense. What the hell is he doing?

Edgar glared. "LOCKE! !"

Kenshin shook his head. "I'll keep that in mind Locke." "Get moving there isn't much time."

Sabin turns to Edgar. "Aren't you ever going to grow up?" He asks.

"What are we going to do?" Banon says.

I'll tell you what you're NOT going to do...

Be entertaining.

"We'll escape down Lete River and regroup in Narshe." "I want to see this esper your talking about Kenshin."

Kenshin sighs and turns to Terra. "Looks like we're getting pulled into this for the time being."

"If..it means I stay away from them." Terra says referring to the Empire. "Then I'll stay with you all."

"Right let's go." Banon says

"You two are in danger here." Edgar says to Kenshin. "Please come with us to Narshe." "You might even gain some understanding of your own abilities Terra."

We know, Slow King. It's been established that they're getting roped along for now.

"Might as well." Kenshin says. "Let's get moving."

Banon Edgar Kenshin Sabin and Terra all make their way toward the back entrance of the Returners Hideout and jump onto a raft. Kenshin turns to Edgar and Banon. "I assume you guys know how to get to Narshe from here!" "Leave controlling the raft to me and Sabin!"

"Got it!" Edgar says.

The group rushed down the rapids until Kenshin and Sabin stopped the raft coming to a fork. "Which way?" Kenshin asks.

"To the left." EdgarMulti-Platnum recording artist Beyonce says.

"You heard the man Sabin." Kenshin says. Sabin nods as they direct their craft toward the left end of the fork. Their path sends them into a cave and out the other end where they encounter monsters. "Damn!" "Weapons at the ready!" Kenshin shouts as a wyvren like beast a large snail and a large crab move into attack them.

"Just let me handle this!" Edgar says pointing his crossbow at the monsters firing off a salvo of arrows at them striking them all dead.

Man he did like three things in that one thing he did. Good stuff.

They soon come up to another fork and Edgar strokes his chin in thought. "Left again!"

"Alright brother!" Sabin says as the they push the raft into the left path again.

They come up to the center of something and the raft suddenly stops. "Kenshin Sabin did you do that?" Banon asks.

"No." Kenshin says. "We're caught on something."

It's probably just Urkel.

"Hu hu hu." "How very unfortunate for you."

Everyone began looking around at the sound of the mysterious voice. "Whose there? !"

Not your there, apparently.

"Show yourself!" Sabin yells.

"He he he!" "Very well!" A purple octopus launched himself at the raft. Kenshin in response knocked it into the river with his staff.

Great, now he's gotta show himself again.

"He he he!" "Bad move boy!" "Don't tease the octopus!" It says.

"Hm.." "I think I've seen this creature before." Banon says. "This is Ultros the Octopus."

From the kid's cartoon/hentai?

"Edgar what do you suggest?" Kenshin asks. "I'm bad with aquatic enemies."

"Keep the attack up on it and watch out for tentacles." Edgar says. "Banon keep us healed."

"Right." Banon says.

"Ooo!" Ultros coos. "You look tasty!" He says directing his view at Terra. Two of his tentacles shot at her and wrapped around her left leg and wrapped around her upper torso and squeezed at her breasts

Man, why do I bother when Draconis brings such comedy?

"Uuuwaa!" Terra shouted as the first tentacle rode up her leg. Kenshin extended the blade in his staff along with the short sword in his hand and stabbed them both into the extensions. "FIRE!" He shouts as the spell shot into his staff and sword directly at the tentacles.

"Yyyeeaoch! !" Ultros shouts in pain as he retracts his tentacle. "I'm not going to become your seafood stew!"

"If you try that again you'll be the main course you octo lecher!" Everyone blinked and turned to Terra who had an indignant look on her face.

That WAS a surprisingly cogent one-liner considering that Terra is...you know, an autist.

"Fire!" She shouts as three fire balls hit Ultros dead on.

Kenshin and Edgar both shivered as Ultros retracted further a similar thought on their minds. "Note to self." "NEVER perv on Terra."

Besides all the times you already have.

Sabin jumped forward a blue aura surrounding his hands. "Aurabolt!" He shouts as the energy in his palms shot out into a beam like fashion.

"Argh!" "I hate you muscle-bound apes!" Ultros shouts smacking Sabin with one of his tentacles.

Kenshin grabbed the tentacle as it retracted and stabbed his staff's blade into it. "Bolt!"

"Aah!" "That stings!" Ultros shouts smacking another of his tentacles down on Kenshin flattening him against the raft.

"Kenshin!" Edgar shouts.

Hmph. No one got mad when he did it to Sabin...

"I'm OK." Kenshin says in a daze. "No really guys I'm fine." He says staggering to his feet. Ultros shoots a blast of ink into Kenshin's eyes. "Ahh!" "I can't see!" Kenshin shouts rubbing his eyes.

"Damn!" "We don''t have any eyedrops either!" Edgar shouts.

"Pummel!" Sabin says jumping over to Ultros and laying his fists into him over and over.

"Fire!" Terra says

Edgar readies his crossbow and fires off more arrows. Ultros recoils and strikes. "I may not be able to defeat all of you, but I can at least defeat him!" He shouts sending all of his tentacles at Kenshin.

Damn. Even Ultros is throwing shade at der untermensch over here.

"Kenshin move!" Edgar shouts

Kenshin however didn't listen and closed his eyes concentrating. "Come on." "He can't have taken those away." "They are part of my body." He smirked to himself when his human ears receded into head and the cat ears started growing out of his head. The ears twitched and Kenshin arched his body to the left as one of Ultros' tentacles shot past him.

"Heh." "Glad to know these still work." Kenshin says dodging the rest of the tentacles as he jumped onto the rock wall behind Ultros. "Hey Ultros!" "I may not be able to see you, but I can hear you loud and clear!"

I wasn't aware that a cat's hearing is supposed to be better than a humans outside of hearing high-pitched noises. But whatever. You do you, homeboy.

Kenshin dove down at him. "This fights over!" He said reeling his hands back and slamming them down on top of the octopus' head. Kenshin then put the full weight of his body on his hands and jumped back onto the raft.

Ultros swam underwater. "Th-That's all friends!

Kenshin crouched down and scooped up some water from the river and washed his eyes out. Which is something he couldn't do before because of reasons. "Ahh." "Much better."

"So I guess we trashed the bastard." Sabin says.

"I wouldn't be so sure." "We're still in his element." Edgar and Kenshin both said respectively.

Take notice. This might be the only time he uses those idiotic quotation breaks effectively.

"It's probably hiding from us waiting for the opportune time to strike." Banon says.

Terra fell to her knees. "Something's stuck to my leg!" Kenshin ran over and saw it was one of Ultros's tentacles and slashed it with his sword and jumped back with Terra in tow.

"Thanks Kenshin-San." She says.

"It's fine now." Banon sighs.

Sabin cracked his knuckles. "Stand back everyone!" "I'll hit it with a Blitz!" Edgar ran up in front of him. "Are you mad!"

Edgar, goddamnit, this is not an appropriate time for your trolling.

"Don't distract me brother!" Sabin says shoving him out of the way and into the water. Edgar sighs. "He was always a tad zealous."

Kenshin cracked his neck. "Hey Edgar don't bother pretending." "We know you're worried." "I'm going in after him."

"What? !" Banon says. "Kenshin you have to come with us!" "You're the only one that communicated with that esper and has memory of it!"

Also, if you're involved in the best scenario of the three I'm going to be super pissed.

"Relax old man!" Kenshin says. "I'm following Sabin and we'll both make our way to Narshe."

You could also not. That would be preferable, even.

"Alright Kenshin be careful." Edgar says.

Kenshin nods and turns to Terra and pats her on the shoulder. "You think you can hold everything down till I get back?"

"Yes." "But please...don't let what happened with Kefka happen again." Terra says.

Or do. And spare us your involvement in Sabin's bro-trip. Please?

Kenshin grins. "I'm not letting that clown get one over on me again." "And hey." "When I get back I'll tell you more about me if you like."

But I don't like any of those implications!

"OK." Terra says. Kenshin nods and jumps in the river knocking the raft loose as he swam toward Sabin who had been knocked unconscious.

"I'll hold you to it Kenshin!" Banon shouts. "Meet in Narshe!"

"Take care of yourselves!" Edgar shouts.

"Please stay safe." "Sabin...Kenshin." Terra thought.


So, explanation for those who haven't played FFVI: At this point in the game, with the party split, the game creates three scenarios following the three splits. You have to play all three, and the one Sabin's involved in is the best, and that cunt decided to shanghai his self-insert into it. The one silver lining is that with him not being involved in the other two, there might be some decent focus on the characters people actually like. Given the fact that Draconis is typing this fic one-handed, I doubt it, though.

(chapter end)

Draconis: Four thousand words later and we are done with this chapter.

Kenshin: Four thousand? The last three chapters were at least 5K apiece.

Draconis: Yeah, but instead of going for word total like I been doing I'm just gonna stop at a certain point from now on.

You know, like competent writers do.

Edgar: Ok. So what scenario are you going to tackle first?

Draconis: I think Locke's scenario should go first then Sabin's and Kenshin's which I think will take at least two chapters and the Edgar's and Terra's.

"Sabin and Kenshin's." Fuck this gay earth.

Locke: So I'm first. Cool.

Well next chapter we start on the three forked road so to speak.

Draconis678 out.

I hope you get forked you rotting pile of calamity.

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Post #8

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post Jan 16 2017, 04:58 PM
[Janky 80s sitcom theme]

Draconis: What's next a double release on my lemon story after this release of A Retold tale?

Terra: What do you mean by lemon story.

And is it anything like lemon party?

Kenshin: It means it's mainly a story with mostly one shots where two or more characters of the author's choosing have sex.

...So yes?

Terra: What's sex? (tilts head to the left a curious look on her face)

Kenshin, Edgar, Locke, Sabin, Johnny Otaku and Draconis: (facepalm) Oh fuck! Celes could you come in here for a second!

Celes: Huh?

Draconis: Could you explain to Terra what sex is?

Celes: (narrows eyes) I'm a virgin, I don't know either.

So is Draconis. That doesn't mean he doesn't know what it is.

All men: (Pinches bridges of their noses in frustration) DAMN! Banon could you give us a hand here? !

Banon: Sorry boys, but due to the war I took a vow of celibacy.

Shit, they're not asking you to fuck her, just to explain what the opposite of celibacy is.

All men: (Shouting to the sky) FUCKING REALLY? ! !


Draconis: (sighs) Let's just get started.

Terra: But I'm still confused.

Draconis: Don't worry about it.

Terra: Bu-

Draconis: Don't worry about it!

*inhale* Comedy.

Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale.

Chapter 5.

Incognito Thief.

More like incog-boring thief.


Draconis: SAME THING! Begin!


With Locke.

No way, for real?

After the group decided what they were going to do Locke made his way toward South Figaro. He had worked hard for the past few days to stymie the Imperial Forces, but now he was in desperate need of an escape. He was getting by on scraps of food and drink when the troops weren't looking.

His diet up to this point had consisted of leftover fried chitlins and Mountain Dew Code Red.

Right now he was running from a trooper turning the corner and turning again and setting his back against the wall.

The trooper stopped and looked around. "Tch." "He must have gotten away." Turning his back he walked back to his post.

"He ran around the corner. Curse his genius escape machinations!"

Locke poked his head out and sighed. "Damn." "I seriously need to get outta here." "Terra, Kenshin and the others are waiting."

Locke groaned as another wave of exhaustion washed over his body. "Damn." "I haven't even been able to sleep because of these troops." "Let's go see what's going on at the item shop."

Probably item...shopping. Yeah.

Fighting the urge to pass out he trudged up the stairs leading up to shop. Entering he saw the shopkeep, a woman and a shady looking merchant.

"Hmm." Locke says stroking his chin in thought looking at the merchant.

"Wh-What?" The merchant says.

"Your clothes.." Locke says a mischievous grin on his face.

"Wh-What about em'?"

They're gay.

"Hand em' over." Locke says rushing the man.

"Hell no!" The merchant says struggling against Locke's hands.

"Shut up and hand em' over." He says cold cocking the merchant. Stripping off the man's clothes he turned to the shopkeep and the woman who stared in shock at him.
He narrowed his eyes. "You didn't see anything got it?"

"R-Right." The shopkeep says.

"H-HaiYeehaw y'all!" The woman says.

Locke nods and puts on the merchant's clothes over his own. "Ha ha!" "That was easy!"

Locke exits the store and and smirks. "Yosh!" "Now "Let's go scores some imperial duds and get this party started." Walking on top of the wall surrounding South Figaro he comes up on a trooper wearing brown. Immediately being noticed by the officer he snaps. "I'm not buying anything so get the hell outta here!"

Locke jumped and took off away from the trooper. "Damn." "Stingy asshole."

For a moment there I was confused because I don't remember this part of the game in great detail, and reading that paragraph made me think Locke was the one snapping. It was funny, because right after yelling he ran away, but I know that the conversation happened the other way, and Draconis managed to lose even me.

"Maybe I should track down that guy wearing green."

You'd better not be steppin' to Isaiah Thomas, boy.

Locke made his way into the house below the shop and walked downstairs. "The kid guarding the passage said I couldn't pass unless I'm a merchant." "Let's try it now."

What kid?

Running into the child he looks down. "My grandfather used to be the servant of the wealthiest man in town." "Hey your a merchant right? Locke nods the affirmative. The kid smiles. "Then proceed."

"Thanks kid." Locke says walking past him and out the door.

Oh that kid. Good thing Draconis told us about that kid before he interacted with that kid.

"Heh heh." "Alright then if I'm right the bastard should be on the west side of the wall." Locke thought walking up the stairs slipping behind the guard. "Heh." "Sucker."

He walked up to the guard who turned to him irritated. "Who the hell are you? !" "Get the hell outta here!"

Locke sighs and punches the man square in the jaw sending him flying before he hit the ground. "Uuuuhnn"

Punching a soldier in broad daylight? Why don't you just burn a flag while you're at it, commie!

"Alright then!" Locke thought stripping the man of his clothes and sliding the merchant clothes on him.

"Sir is anything wrong? !" A couple of troopers asked rushing up to him.

Locke stood stock still for a moment. "Ahem.." "No boys." "A merchant tried to get into a scuffle with me and I knocked his ass out." Locke says altering his voice.

"Ha ha!" "That's our commanding officer!" "Want us to take him away?" They ask.

"That's our commanding officer" they say as they apparently can't tell their commanding officer from a random dude.

Then again, all the incest in South Figaro probably makes it difficult to tell people apart.

"Please do." Locke says.

Locke stared in amusement as the guards hauled off the disguised officer. "He he." "What idiots!" "Now then if I recall that old timer wanted some cider back at the secret passage." "Check the bar maybe?"

Only if it's a bar for pussies who drink cider.

Locke quickly made his way back down the steps and saw the passage to the bar was blocked by a trooper.

"Shoot!" Locke thought. "OK calm down Locke." "Let's just try what we did before." Clearing his throat he got the trooper's attention.

"Sir?" The trooper asks.

"You're relieved from your post." Locke says in the same altered voice from before. "Your replacement will be along shortly."

"Sweet!" The trooper says walking into the bar. Locke smirks. "Jeez why didn't I think of this sooner? !" "This is easy!"

I guess you just underestimated how stupid Draconis was going to make every character not named Kenshin.

Making his way into the bar he noticed the place was crawling with troopers. "No surprise there." Locke thought resisting the urge to let out an exasperated sigh. "I don't see anyone manning the bar and even if there was the troopers have cleaned him out." "Looks like I have the steal it." "Man Kenshin will have a field day with this once he hears about it." "I can just hear it now."

You already stole two dudes' clothes. What difference is swiping some cider from a bar gonna make?

'Ha ha ha!' 'I told you thieving and treasure hunting go hand in hand!'

80% accurate impression. It was sufficiently annoying, but you forgot to add him threatening violence upon someone.

Locke made his way down the stairs and walked into the room next to them. He found a merchant. "You here to steal my cider? !"

"As a matter o' fact I am!" Locke says rushing forward and punching the man in the stomach hard. He fell over passed out and Locke leaned down and took off his outfit.

"No need to wear these any longer." He thought taking off the imperial clothes and tossing the merchant's outfit on over them.

Locke really likes getting naked with other men this chapter.

Not that there's anything wrong with that.

"I feel like I've been here before, have I been here before?" Locke thought sarcastically as he took the cider off the desk and exited the room.

Making the trip back was short enough. He approached the old man. "Hey."

"Eh?" "Yes?" "Oh god not another merchant wanting to steal from me!" He shouted.

I see Locke had visited him before.

"No no no!" Locke says. "I brought your cider back."

"Really?" "Thanks!" He says taking it and chugging it down.

"Now uh about that secret passage." Locke says.

"Huh?" "Secret passage?" "There's one leading from here to the rich man's house." "Just give my grandson the password...um...I forget." He says.


"Ugh." "Thanks your a big help." Locke says sarcastically making his way back down the stairs.

"Password?" The boy asks.

"Uhm...Courage?" Locke guesses.

"Shibingo." He says walking over to the far left of the wall and hitting a switch. A doorway opened up.

Locke scratched his head. "Wow." "I wasn't expecting it to work on the first try, but OK."

This is one of those instances where the idea works in the format of a video game, but not in a retelling. In the game, you get a text box with multiple choice answers, and you get to pick one. Easy peasy. It's not entirely logical, but it's a game and uses the conventions of being a game to push the narrative. In a novelization, it just looks and sounds dumb without some tinkering by the author. This author being the same one that said that General Leo didn't know his own last name, I'm not surprised. But I have a feeling that it's going to be a continuing theme, and that frustrates me.

He made his way into the secret passage way and arrived in a storage room. Inspecting the clock he smirked. "Alright an elixer!" Exiting the room he found himself outside and walked around the building he was in and entered another door.

He noticed a woman and spoke with her. "What's going on here?"

Given your lack of narrative, anything could be happening.

"Hah...my husband sold out the townspeople." "The troops are using this as their base of operations." "He didn't even need the fucking money to begin with!"

"Oh..." Locke says. "Damn." "I know someone who isn't getting any tonight." He thought.

Looks like he does need that fuck money then.

He slipped by the guard and was generally surprised he could do that. "Huh?" "What the?" "How did he not see me? !"

And then Locke realized that he was Bruce Willis all along.

Locke continued until he felt a draft coming from the first room. "Eh?"

Opening the door he saw the supposed mayor of the town lamenting his bad decision.

Selling out the town to the Empire caused some political grief, but the legalization of gay marriage got the South Figaroans into a blood craze.

Locke snuck by him and went behind the book case where the draft got even louder. "Hm." "OK then I think this is it." "Yosh!" "I'm almost free!" He says making his way down some stairs into the main basement.

That's where Draconis lives!

Throwing off the merchant's outfit he made his way down and passed a door where he heard someone shout. Against his better judgment he peered inside. "!" "I know about her." "That's Kenshin's sister, and one of the generals of Vector."

Inside was Celes sure enough with a soldier beating her. "This...is...what happens...to traitors!"

Well, traitors and blacks, anyway.

"How can you serve those cowards?" Celes asks.

"Still your tongue wench!" "Remember your traitorous brother isn't here to save you this time." The soldier says attempting to quote Shakespeare for some reason.

"Tell me isn't it true that Kefka is planning to poison the people of Doma to the east?" Celes asks.

All she got was a fist in her face for her trouble and fell to the ground. "I'd hate to be you tomorrow." "You keep an eye on her."

Who, me?

"Yes sir." "I can go days without sleep!" The other trooper replied.

Aw man, no one ever invites me to go women-punching.

Locke's eyes widened and he climbed up to a beam overlooking the hallway as the soldier walked away.

Hopping down he entered the room to find the other soldier fast asleep. Locke rolled his eyes and approached Celes who was chained up.

"Wow." "She's stunning." "Well without the bruises and all." "What kind of a man hits a woman incapable of defending herself? !" Locke thought picking the locks letting Celes free.

Well Kenshin beats up threatens to beat up men who are incapable of defending themselves, so it wouldn't be too much a leap in logic.

Blearily she awoke. "Wh-Who're you?"

"Just a random treasure hunter." "I'm with the Returners though." "Names Locke Cole."

"Celes Chere." "And you say you're with the Returners?" "Then why'd you save me?"

He probably wants to steal your clothes too.

Not for a disguise, just to feel pretty.

"Well for one I don't like seeing a defenseless woman get beat on." Locke says. "For two I'd find it amusing if that joker Kenshin owed me one for saving his sister."

Why, he might even go so far as to not be a jackass to you.

"Come on."

"! ?" "You'd...take me along?" Celes asks.

"Of course." "The Returners are rendezvousing in Narshe." Locke says. "Kenshin will be there if you wanted to reunite with him." "Besides I don't see much of a future for you here."

The Empire has been making some pretty big layoffs as of late.

"..." She breathes in lightly mulling it over. "But I'd just hold you back wouldn't I?"

"Not a problem." Locke says grinning. "If you can't fight I'll protect you."

Celes rolled her eyes at the man. "Just get us out of town I'll heal myself then."

"Eh?" "Yo-" Celes slapped a hand over Locke's mouth. "Shh." "Not now." "Let's go." Locke nods slowly and the two exit the room after snatching a key off the sleeping guard.

The two make their way into a large storage room taking the valuables out of the chest. "Now...the broken clock should be back...here." Celes says walking to the far end of the storage room and winding the clock. Locke looked over as a shelf shifted over to the side revealing a door. "Awesome." "Let's go."

Pro: Draconis decided not to include a bunch of random battles to pad the story.

Con: Draconis is doing that shit Bardick did where he gives zero context to non-readers.

The two found themselves in a short maze like area of the house. Locke held his arm in front of Celes. Looking around the corner he noticed three soldiers standing around shooting the breeze. "Hm..." "I wonder if I can still do this?" Locke questions quietly taking out a roll of gil coins.

"Eh?" "Is he trying to do what I think he is?" Celes thought.

Flicking his thumb three times a coin impacted each of the soldier's helmets knocking them out cold. "Alright." "Looks like I can." "Let's go."

The hell kind of helmet does the Empire use where getting hit with a coin knocks you out? No wonder Kenshin can kill fifty of them at a time.

The couple of escapees make their way through the maze finding a hat a couple of shields and a cutlass which Celes made use of rushing behind a guard and ramming the butt of the handle into the back of his neck.

I saw the words "ramming" and "butt" and my eyes just kind of glazed over the rest.

They came to a door and Celes turned to Locke. "Why are you helping me?"

"Like I said I hate seeing a defenseless woman get beaten." "You're Kenshin's sister."

Every woman is somebody's sister dude. Don't be that guy.

"Surrogate sister." Celes corrected.

"Whatever." Locke says. "And you...kinda remind me of a friend of mine." "But what the hells it matter? !" "I just want to OK? !"

Jesus, you're awfully uppity all of a sudden. Go off screen and smoke a blunt or some shit, man.

"F-Fine." Celes says looking away from Locke. "This door should lead us outside."

"OK." Locke says opening the door. Looking around he noticed they were behind the guard that chased him back in before. "Alright quickly and quietly let's go."
The two snuck by the guard and ran out of town. Once they were near the cave leading to Figaro desert Celes stopped Locke. "Hang on."

"What?" Locke says.

"I need to heal remember?" Celes says. She begins chanting and holds her hand palm facing toward her chest. "Cure."

Couldn't have done that before, because...

"So you can use magic huh?" Locke says.

"It's a long story I'd rather not go into detail about right now." Celes says.

She got injected with magic and now can use magic. Boom, done. Probably wouldn't have taken the trouble, but I know Draconis is never going to bother.

"We all got secrets." Locke says shrugging. "Come on as soon as we pass this cave we're home free to Narshe."

Celes follows him inside and the two transverse the cavern without much trouble.

situated or extending across something.
"a transverse beam supports the dashboard"

Yeah, I guess that makes sense.

As soon as they come up to the spring at the exit Locke kneels down and takes a couple handfuls. "Ahh!" "Sorry bout that it's just I haven't eaten slept or drank much in the past few days."

Celes waves him off. "Go ahead." Kneeling down she takes a handful of water and drinks.

Drinking from mysterious pools of water inside caves might seem like a cool and fun thing to do, but actually, doing so will get you hit with the most dangerous status effect. It's called "dysentery."

"Somehow they found out that I had spoken with Kenshin just a week ago."I've been imprisoned ever since."

"Yeah I think he said it was you who warned us of the impending invasion." "So in that sense now we're even." Locke says.

"I guess so." Celes says. "Come on we've wasted enough time here."

"Right." Locke says making their way out of the cave. However as soon as they closed in on the exit the cave walls shook. "What the?"

The hills must be alive. Damn, that Austrian bitch with the haircut was right all along!

"Locke get back!" Celes says pulling him backward by the back of his shirt. "Oh...dammit." She says as a large mech blocked their path. "Not TunnelArmor." "Alright Locke you attack I'll draw it's magic to me!" "It won't hurt either of us!

"Say what? !" "You insane girl? !" Locke says

Did talking to people in South Figaro permanently alter your dialect, Locke?

"Just believe me!" "Runic Blade!" Celes says holding her blade up high.

"Fire." The mech said in a robotic voice. Three fireballs launched toward Celes and impacted her.

Oh, ok. It's a robot. I had legitimately forgotten and was wondering what the hell was going on.

"Hey!" "Ar-" Locke says.

"Shut it and destroy this thing already!" Celes says emerging from the blast unhurt. "I told you I'd be fine!"

"OK OK!" Locke says rushing over to the armor and jumping on it slashing and tearing at it. "Whoa!" He said as the machine threw him off. "Heh heh." "Got a little fight in ya huh?"

Celes recast Runic. A hatch on the mech opened up and a drill shot out toward her.

Locke stepped in front of her and knocked the drill to the ground. "Oh hell no!" "Ignore her and come after me you steam driven pile of scrap!"

"Scrap" rhymes with "crap." I just now got that. All of those jokes in Transformers make sense now.

Locke's taunting had the desired effect as the mech turned it's attention to him. "Yeah that's right!" "Over here." Locke says taking off toward the wall. As soon as it launched another drill Locke jumped back and rushed toward it and stabbed his knife into the drill slot and began ripping it apart.

"...Oh damn...I'd hate to be the guy who has to repair all that." Celes thought holding her blade up again.

I'd hate to be the guy who has to mock all of this tepid shit.

Haha, sucks for whoever took on that job.

"Runic!" The blade shone brilliantly at the tip.

"Bolt!" The spell honed in on her, but nothing happened.

"Come on!" "Keep the spells coming!" Celes shouts

"Ha ha!" "That's right keep it up!" Locke says going under the machine and slashing it's brakes and shocks out.

"Locke get out of there!" "What if the damn thing falls on you? !" Celes says.

Then at least he'll be free from Kenshin's bullying.

"Oh don't worry!" Locke says. "I'm fine!"

Suddenly the mech shuts down. "What?"

"Come on" "I slashed out the fuel supply." "Let's get outta here!" Locke says.

"R-Right." Celes says. "What a reckless man." She thought. "Heh heh." "Just like you brother."

You know, the motherfucker's not even supposed to be in this chapter, and yet he's somehow managed to get the third most screen time.

The two exit the cave and Celes noticed Locke holding a fuel can. "What are you doing?"

Locke drops the fuel can and steps away. Reaching into his pocket he takes out a matchbook and hands it to Celes. "Light one torch the book and toss it into the fuel trail I made." "I'm covered in gas so I can't do it myself."

"Right." Celes said doing just that. As soon as the burning matches hit the gas trail flames sprung to life and roared toward the cave. Minutes later an explosion was heard and the entrance to the cave collapsed.

That was needlessly destructive.

"Hah!" "There." "That should buy us some time." "I wouldn't doubt that the imperial soldier will clear that out, but at least we don't have to worry about them pursuing us." Locke says.

Or Sabin and his group going through there on their way to Narshe. But you know, details.

"OK...and Locke?" Celes says.

"Hm?" "What's up?"

"Thanks." Celes says. "For...helping me out."

"Ah ha ha." "Not to worry." "Anytime." Locke says laughing.

With that the pair make tracks to Narshe where they hope the others will have arrived safely.


(chapter end)

Draconis: Yup. Like I said I'm going for points in the story now not word count.

I award this story 0 points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Locke: OK then I'm done. Sabin, Kenshin you're next!

Sabin: Gotcha.

Kenshin: I know I know.

Truth: Stop fucking reminding me.

Terra: Be careful you two.

Whelp anyway. Short chapter I'll see you all next time.

Yeah, this was actually a shortish chapter, relatively speaking. Chapter 6, however, is a monster. It is legitimately the longest single chapter I've reviewed, at a whopping 50 pages. I might have to split the next update (whenever I can finish it) into two posts, as I remember Al Cone having some issues with text limits in posts in the later chapters of Normal Teenage Life.

So yeah. Enjoy this short chapter while you have it.

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post Feb 7 2017, 08:11 PM
FFVI: A Retold Tale is filmed in front of a live studio audience.

[Rampant jeers and boos]

Kenshin: Welcome back everybody.

Draconis: (wearing a white, pointy cap) Back to the corner.

Kenshin: But I don't wanna.

Draconis: NOW!

Sabin: What did he do?


Draconis: In the latest chapter of my other story he super glued a hat to my head.

Ah. I had a similar problem when my imaginary friend Barrel Head kept starting fires and blaming them on me.

My therapist had no sympathy for me, and I have none for your shenanigans.

Sabin: You mean that hat?

Draconis: No somehow I tore it off and lost most of my hair. Anyway let's get started before Kenshin finds another way to piss me off.

Kenshin: (whistling innocently)

Draconis: Waaaiittt (tugs on cap) Sonuvabitch! Kenshin!

Kenshin: Whoop whoop whoop whoop! (runs away from Draconis)

Sabin: Well...seeing as Kenshin and Draconis are having themselves a prank war I'll go ahead and start things off.


You know, a long time ago, there was this man named Rene Descartes. Descartes thinks to himself one day, "How do I know I exist, and that reality isn't merely a trick played on me by an evil demon?" It sounds stupid, yeah, but hear me out. So Descartes reasons that "I think, therefore I am." He exists and can prove it, because he is a thinking thing.

I would like to put forward the proposition that we cannot prove Draconis exists, because in no realm of reality can a thinking thing write some gobsmacked shit like that and think it's not the most self-indulgent and retarded thing to ever grace the Internet.

Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale.

Chapter 6

The man called Garamonde.

Sabin: (takes a breath)

Draconis: Don't you even!

What, are you forbidding him from breathing?

Sabin: (deflated) Begin.


Kenshin sat on the edge of the river bank. "I wonder how the others are doing?"

It's been thirty minutes without you, so probably better than ever.

"Uuuhhhnnn." Kenshin turns around and sees Sabin stirring.

"Hey numbnuts." Kenshin says. "Welcome back to the waking world."

"Huh?" "Kenshin?" Sabin says. "What are you doing here?"

"Making sure your over pumped ass didn't drown in Lete River." Kenshin says flatly.

Oh yeah, Kenshin's a douche about everythng. I keep forgetting that.

"You seem annoyed." "What's up?" Sabin asks.

"You." Kenshin says. "Sabin you do know that Ultros was in full retreat when you dove off after him right?"

"He attacked me though!" Sabin says.George Zimmerman explains.

"Only because you attacked him!" Kenshin says. "Ugh...whatever." "We don't need to argue here." "We need to make our way to Narshe."

"Right." "Let's go." Sabin says.

"Do you know where your even at?" Kenshin says to him. Sabin almost trips. "Crap!" "Now that you mention it I don't!"


"Follow me I saw a house not far from here." Kenshin says walking past him.

The two walk up to the house. Kenshin threw up his hood as an imperial officer on a chocobo rushed by him and Sabin.

Behind her on the same mech was a young man wearing a dark red vest with a sleeveless shirt under it. He wore a pair of gray jeans. His face had a single scar on the left eye which had a blue iris.

I know, I know, consistency's for pussies and whatnot. But still I gotta ask: where the hood at?

Looking to their left they saw Shadow.

Six more weeks of Winter.

"Hey." Sabin says. "Are you journeying?" "If so how do you get to Narshe from here?"

"And what was with that imperial that was just here?" Kenshin asks.

"The Empire has built a base somewhere beyond the forest." Shadow says.

"Already? !" Sabin asks.

"Dammit." "I was hoping that wasn't the case." Kenshin says. The former highest ranking officer of said empire implied he didn't know.

"Their target seems to be Doma Castle." Shadow says.

"So we're in Doma territory." Kenshin says.

"We gotta hurry and get to Narshe." Sabin says.

Kenshin shook his head. "We'd have to go through Doma which right now is not possible."

Time to give up then.

"Actually it is very much possible." Shadow says. "I'll guide you." "But be aware that I reserve the right to leave at any moment."

Oh, go write about it in your constitution.

"He-!" Sabin says only to be cut off by Kenshin. "You take us through and you can fly the coop any time you feel like it."

"The death god is always a mere step behind me." Shadow says.

Kenshin smirks. "You too huh?" "Alright let's move."

Why do I get the feeling that Shadow is going to be the "Magus" to Draconis in this fic?

"It will take us a few hours to reach the imperial base." Shadow says.

"We got time." Sabin says.

"...Hm...wonder if I'll run into my old nemesis?" Kenshin thought.



As opposed to earlier?

Imperial Base.

The intrepid group of three made it to the base.

Intrepid? Someone found thesaurus.com and then misused it.

Sabin began walking forward only for Shadow and Kenshin grabbing him by the shoulders and pulling him behind some boxes. "What the hell are you doing?" Kenshin says harshly.

"Going in." What?" Sabin says.

"We can't go all gung-ho in here." Kenshin says. "He's a Ninja I'm not at my peak in power and you're just one man." "They'll slaughter us."

I'm sorry, Kenshin, what does Shadow's ethnicity as a ninja have to do with his ability to fight?

"I concur." Shadow says. "Now be quiet two of the soldiers are saying something."

Sabin and Kenshin went quiet. "Hey did you hear?" Soldier A says

"Hear what?" "Oh wait I know what your talking about." "Now shut it." "If Kefka finds out we're fucked." Soldier B says.

Soldier A looked around. "If Kefka drives General Leo out of here he'll probably become general."

Soldier B sighs. "Please!" "Don't make me laugh!" "Like Ex-General Kenshin said." "That guys a psychopath."

I love how openly defiant and critical Kenshin was during his time with the empire, while they still put up with his shit and promoted him.

"Dude dude!" "If he hears that you'll be thrown in jail!" Soldier A reprimands.

"I know I know." Soldier A saw Kefka walking toward them. "Crap!" "Back to the waiting zone!"

Kefka came out and busted the two soldier chops and walked away. Kenshin scowled at Kefka's retreating form. "Just you wait you pasty faced bastard!"

He'll flail ineffectually at you again, yes he will!

Suddenly a soldier garbed in black ran up to the two soldiers. "Storming Doma Castle?" "Please those guys don't stand a chance." Kenshin says.

(break on through to the other side)

Doma Castle.

The group of soldiers arrived at the front of Doma Castle. "Alright everyone!" "Breach the entrance by any means necessary!" "There will be no survivors!"

Not with that attitude there won't.

"Sir!" The soldier shout.

A sentry peers out the door and runs back. "It's futile!" "There is no way we can keep them out!"

No, don't worry. Kenshin said they didn't have a chance, so obviously they don't.

Another sentry looks down at the floor. "So it's finally happened." The Cubs have won the World Series. "I must go warn his majesty!"

"Hold on a moment, sir!" A voice calls out from behind. "Allow me the honor."

The sentries turn to a man with black hair tied in the back wearing blue armor with gold trimming. "S-Sir Garamonde!"

"How many times do I tell you." "It's Cyan." He says. "Now then if we can eliminate the commander they will surely fall back." He raised his left arm. "Let us give it a try!"

"Y-Yes sir!" The sentries say. The three walk out to the battlefield. "Let their commander have it Sir Cyan!" The two sped past the commander and to the troops behind him.

I can't give an adequate reason why, but I remember always naming Cyan "Chao" when I played as a kid. Is that racist?

"Who are you? !" The commander demands.

Cyan draws his blade. "I am Sir Cyan Garamonde...Retainer to King Doma...and your worst nightmare."

"We'll see about that!" The commander took out a large halberd only for Cyan to vanish from sight. "Where did h-" Blood shot out from his chest. "Wha...what?" The commander says falling to the ground in a heap.

Cyan stood behind him. "That was my most basic Sword Technique." "Dispatch." "Like I said before." "Your worst nightmare."

"And this is my favorite dessert: Dairy Queen's Reeses Blizzard." "Your worst nightmare."

"Th-The commander's been defeated!" "Everyone retreat!"

The group of soldiers quickly made their way out of Doma Castle as Cyan flicked his wrist flinging the blood of his sword and sheathing it. "You are nothing compared to my nemesis." "Lament your foolhardy decision in the afterlife."

Nemesis? That's an oddly specific word I'm pretty sure I've heard recently...

"Nice work Sir Cyan!" Sentry A says.

"Right." Cyan says. "Back in the castle." "They will come again."

"Yes sir!"


Back at the Base.

Space base.

"OK I think we've waited long enough." Kenshin says. "Shadow take point."

"Yes." Shadow says.

Sabin followed behind the two. "So what exactly are we looking for?"

"A: A quick way out." "B: Hijacking Magiteks." Kenshin says.

Do you really have the time to jack around on a military base?

"Shh." Shadow shushes the two again. "One of the soldiers is talking with Leo."

"Sir!" "The people of Doma seem to be waiting us out." "The place is like a stronghold." Soldier C says.

...It's a castle. It is a stronghold, yeah.

Leo strokes his chin in thought. "So that's their strategy...and plus with their knight Sir Garamonde...someone whom has only been defeated by Kenshin once...and very narrowly...they could survive blockade for months."

HOW? HOW?! How did you manage to sneak in more goddamned heroism for your self-insert in a scene that has nothing to do with him?!

Also, how did he lose to Kenshin and then not get killed? Kenshin kills everyone!

"We are ready to storm again." "Just give the order!" Soldier C says.

"No." "If we storm now." "Too many lives will be lost." Leo says. "Ugh if only Kenshin hadn't deserted I could have him fight off Garamonde and we'd take the castle."

Man, if only there were SOME other military figure at this military base with the proper amount of martial fortitude. Unfortunately not, because Leo's apparently a castrated gimp in this fic.

"Sir." "I'm ready to lay my life down for the Vectorian Empire at any time!" Soldier C says.

"You're from Maranda right?" Leo asks.

"Um...yeah sir why?" Soldier C asks.

"Well suppose you fall in battle today." "What shall I tell your family there?" Leo asks.

Send Kenshin to do it. I'm sure he'd have a lot of fun with it.

"You have something to go back to." "Don't throw it away for nothing." "Emperor Gestahl wouldn't want that."

"Yes Sir." "Thank you." Soldier C says going into the tent.

Another soldier rushes up to Leo. "General." "A carrier pigeon from Emperor Gestahl!"

Leo took the letter. "What...?" "The emperor has summoned me!" "I must return to Vector!" "I leave the assault to you."

"Specifically you, unnamed grunt."


Kenshin grew worried. "Oh dammit." "If Leo takes off then Kefka's going to take control." "That would spell disaster for Doma at Sacrifice."

Speaking of Kefka he walked up to the river. "Now that the foolish general is gone I'll turn this entire river into a poisonous death trap!"

Kefka's never really a subtle villain, but the great thing about the people writing the original game's script was that they understood how to structure transitions so as to not make things so slapdashed that they come off like the punchline of a really dark joke.

Kenshin and Sabin's eyes widened. "We have to stop him."

"Hold." Shadow says seeing Leo reemerge from the tent.

"I've been summoned back to Vector." "I don't want any funny business here Kefka." Leo says.

No legitimately funny stuff, that is. Make as many jokes about Harambe or puns about the name "truthordeal" as you want though.

I'm not bitter.

"Oh shut up will you?" Kefka says. "I'll have this wrapped up before you make it back to Vector."

"Whatever." Leo says. "And remember Kefka." "They are people like you and I."

Let's be real here. If everyone in Doma was like Kefka, why would Kefka not continue to kill all of them?

"Please." "We need not give mercy to lands that gave rise to the Returners." Kefka says.

Kenshin ducked down as Leo walked by. "Dude." "You should ignore that summons and stay."

"Is the poison ready?" Kefka says.

"But General Leo said.."

"Who cares you idiot, General Leo's dead!" "Is it ready? !" The soldier nods. "Then pour it already!"

Kenshin began to move as Kefka slowly strode up to him. "Come on." "I've got some payback to doll out."

Unless you're about to show everyone where on the doll Kefka repeated and forcibly touched you, the phrase is "dole out."

Kefka's tone became one of amusement. "Oh ho ho ho?" "My my it's small world." "Here for another beating Kenshin?"

Kefka went to laugh only for Kenshin to bury his fist into the side of the crazed jester's face. "Not exactly." "Shadow Sabin let's start."

And unless you're suddenly making this a Persona crossover, use a goddamned comma between people's names.

Shadow lobs some shuriken at Kefka who dodged. Sabin dashed up to him as he landed. "Pummel!"

"Yeouch!" Kefka shouts.

Kenshin glared. "Don't play that game with me." "We both know your faking."

He just wanted to spare your feelings, don't give him too hard a time.

"Ha ha ha!" "Well you've seen through me Kenshin mah boy." Kefka says. "But alas I must be going."

"Wait! !" Sabin shouts.

"Hah!" "Do I look like a waiter to you? !" Kefka says. "Adios!" Kefka began retreating.

I half expected Draconis to change that admittedly funny oneliner from the original to something stupid. Like, for example, "do I look patient," and then Kenshin snarkedly replying that he did look like a mental patient or something.

"After him!" Kenshin shouts.

The three cornered Kefka in a trio of Magitek Armors. Kefka smirks. "Do I have to get serious and use that again."

One Kefka in three Magitek Armors? Sounds like the punchline to a dead baby joke.

"Rrgh!" Kenshin growled. "I should have enough for this with the fights I've been in." Kenshin began chanting. "Bolt 2!"

Multiple arcs of lightning shot upward at Kefka's feet. "Ouch!" "Heh heh heh." "Getting some of our old swing back are we?"

Kenshin hunched over panting. "Damn...I can't use those like I used to."

"How long do you expect me to put up with you three? !" "Next time you're all dead!" Kefka shouts.

"Ha!" "Please we's gon' be all over you like stink on shit!" Sabin says.


Kefka rushed behind a group of soldiers. "If you know whats good for you you'll turn back!" He took off as the soldiers began fighting the three of them.

"Fuck." Kenshin says getting up under a soldier's guard and slicing his sword upward cutting his liver in half. "Shadow shuriken now!"

"It's pronounced shuriken both ways." Shadow replies blandly while he lobbed the weapons.

Sabin wrapped his arms around another guard and jumped into the air. "Suplex!"

Kenshin extended his staves' chain wrapped it around the last guard's neck. "Ice." The man froze on the spot and Kenshin yanked on his chain slackening it and gathering it up putting it back into staff form.

He's yanking everyone's chains by this point.

"Where did that pair of clown shoes go?" Kenshin says.

With Kefka he made it to the river leading to Doma Castle. "Ha ha!" "I can't wait to hear all those voices howling in agony as the poison slowly kills them!" "It's like music to my ears!"

He dumps the contents of a bag he was holding and the river gains a sickly purple hue. "Uwa ha ha ha!" "Whoop! There it is!"

At Doma Cyan stood looking out into the distance when a sentry ran up to him. "Sir Cyan!" "The empire's base is booming with activity something must be up!"

"Let me see." Cyan says taking the sentry's telescope. He saw three figures dueling the imperial troops. "Three unknowns are assisting us?" "That's good news at least."
He then inspected the river. "The river's water looks strange."

Suddenly sentries all over Doma began falling one by one. "What? !" Cyan shouts. It hit him like an arrow to the elbow (A/N: I bet you thought I was going to say knee didn't you?)

I try to limit myself to one image per post, two maximum, but I can no longer put into words the reactions you get from me.

"Th-This is...POISON! !" Cyan shouts.(A/N: I bet you thought I was going to say "Sparta," didn't you? Turning heel he rushed into the castle.

"Guard the King!" "Our defense has been compromised!"

He ran into the throne room to see the king laying on the floor. "My lord!" Cyan shouts.

"Wh-Who's there?" Doma says

"It is I!" "Cyan Garamonde!" Cyan shouts.

"Ah." "Cyan." "My sight is fading...I almost didn't recognize you at all." Doma says.

Terrible knock-knock joke.

"Just hang on my lord!" Cyan says.

"Cyan..." Doma says. "You've defended this realm...since my father's days as king (cough) (hack) thank you." "But alas...it is over...our kingdom is at an end."

"No!" "Not now your highness!"

"Argh..." Doma says. "Cyan...I fear for your family Cyan..." "Go to them." "..." "..."

Oh no, the ellipses! That means he's dead, or very stoically reacting.

"My lord! ! !" Cyan shouts.

Sentry A rushes into the throne room. "!...M-My god."

No one likes a one-upper, Sentry A.

"Come." "There still have to be survivors." Cyan says monotonously.

"R-Right." "Let's split up." Sentry A says.

The first place Cyan went into was his room. "! !" His wife was laying on the floor. "Elayne! !" "Elayne wake up! !"

"C-Cyan?" "H-Help me up...I have to feed our son." Elayne says. Cyan's eyes shot wide as her body became motionless.

This would be pretty funny if it was supposed to be.

"!" "Owain!" Cyan says rushing to the bed. "No no no! !" "Not you too!" "Come on son wake up you both can't leave me!"

Owain's body was motionless as his father tried to rouse him. "N-No..." "This can't be happening!" "This isn't possible! !" Cyan's feelings of despair quickly turned to rage.

"This is UNFORGIVABLE! !" "The Empire will pay for what they have done to my kingdom and my family! ! !"

Cyan rushed out the door and over toward the Imperial Base. "I am Cyan!" "Retainer to Doma! !"

"Shit!" "The enemy has arrived!" "To arms!"

This was probably one of the more emotionally heavy scenes in the game, and yet Draconis makes it all sound terribly campy.


So I know here at Project AFTER we hold all fanfiction to a standard of hatred unmatched since the Serbian Civil War, but I'm sure we can still acknowledge that gradations of suck exist. To prove that this fic is one of the lower grades, I submit an alternate retelling of the Cyan scene that does not read like schlock work by a preteen edgelord:

Cyan walked in further and made his way to the bedroom half of the room, his footsteps making soft thumps, almost like a constant heart beat. Cyan felt as if he could cut the tension in the room he had created himself with his blade. When he reached the bedroom area, he let out a small whimper and sunk to his knees, as if he had been punched in the stomach.

There was Elayne, lying on the floor, dead. Her golden hair was spilled onto the floor like silk, and her face had a most painful expression set on it. Cyan found that he did not even have the strength to heave a sob as he crawled over to her and rested a hand on her cheek, which was chilly to the touch. She had not passed on recently it seemed... it must have been long before Cyan had even realized the truth about the river...

"Elayne...Elayne...wake up..." He moaned, and clutched at her lifeless hand. "This...this cannot be happening!" However, he knew in his heart, that of course, his sleeping beauty would never again awaken. Cyan lowered his head and slowly stood up, dropping her hand. However, the cold sensation of her death-ridden fingers did not leave his own as he spotted a lump in the bed he and Elayne had shared. Had shared... he was already thinking of her in the past tense...

Cyan did not hesitate as he swiftly removed the cover on the bed, and did not feel that he could go any more numb after he saw what awaited him. There was Owain, his young son, lying dead in bed, the expression on his face matching Elayne's. Cyan opened his mouth to speak, but only a tiny whisper came out.


Cyan gulped and covered the body back up, his strength slowly returning to him, the warmth slowly flowing back into his hand that had held Elayne's. His heart's sorrow was becoming overpowered by anger, thoughts of revenge.

"NOT YOU TOO!" Cyan screamed, and shook his head. "NO, YOU BOTH CAN'T LEAVE ME!" Cyan turned from the room and fled, not stopping to rest until he found himself at the entrance/exit to Doma castle. Normally, the hall would be filled with the chatter and laughter of Doma's soldiers and families that resided with them. But now it was silent... only Cyan's voice could be heard.

"Dear...Dear me..." He sighed, and brought a hand to his forehead. "Impossible...idiotic...! We can't forgive this!" Cyan pushed the doors of the castle open and broke into a run, the echoing cries of the King and of the dying soldiers of Doma in his mind urging him on towards his destination, the place Cyan could freely and without a doubt claim was his Hell on Earth. As he ran, his hair blew back, some loose strands pulling apart from his ponytail.

"The Empire must pay!" Cyan cried, and prepared to draw his rapier as he drew nearer to the Imperial Base.

To tell the truth, I don't feel that this does the original any justice either. It's one of those situations where Square had everything put together to make the scene hit hard. It's one of those tiny nuances that makes any sort of novelization lose heart, and makes the case for games being an artform on their own.

But that said, everything that Celes Chere of FF.Net did in this case, s/he did better than Draconis by the simple fact that s/he wasn't so concerned about her self-insert's ability to dominate the story that she brushed over every other character's defining moment.

Sabin Shadow and Kenshin rushed up to him. "Hey old man need a hand!" Kenshin shouts.

"Nemesis? !" Cyan says. "Fine very well!"

The four easily eliminate the soldiers. Cyan rushed by them. "Who released the Poison? !"

Bullet For My Valentine? I don't see what that has to do with this.

"Hey hey hey!" Sabin says. "We gotta fight them together!"

"I know!" "Go ahead." Cyan says. Shadow lobs shuriken at all the soldiers striking them down.

Kenshin stopped Cyan before he could rush off again. "What happened in Doma?"

"You should already know!" "You released it didn't you? !" Cyan says clashing blades with Kenshin.

He accuses, having just asked who did it and then receiving help from his "nemesis."

"What? !" "No!" Kenshin says. "Why would I poison your kingdom and then help you? !" "Now get off me!" "I deserted the Empire a while ago." "The man who poisoned
Doma was a jester named Kefka Palazzo."

Cyan retracted his blade and narrowed his eyes. "Very well Nemesis I shall give you the benefit of doubt."

He has done nothing to earn it, but sure.

"I have a name." Kenshin says annoyed.

So does Locke, but you keep giving him erotic-sounding nicknames about him stealing shit.

"Hey hey we gotta get outta here you two!" Sabin shouts.

"Right." Kenshin says.

"But what about my family...and my friends." Cyan says glaring down at the ground.

They're dead, dude. Remember that pitiful scene Draconis wrote?

Kenshin sets his hand on Cyan's shoulder. "Look Garamonde." "If we don't get outta here now we'll have the imperial army down our throats in no time." "Your family and friends would want you to live on." "So let's go!"

"Over here!" Sabin Kenshin and Cyan all freeze.

"Oh" Sabin says

"Fuck." Kenshin finishes.

Shadow looks over and sees two magitek suits. "Follow me." "I can get us out of here."

It would've been nice to know what made them freeze and say "oh fuck," but I guess we're just supposed to use our imaginations.

"Got it." "Let's go!" Kenshin says.

The four make their way toward the suits. "Sabin you and Cyan get in these things." "Shadow with me!"

Doesn't Shadow find his own?

"Just hop in." Sabin says shoving Cyan forward.

"Sir Sabin!" "How doust thou operate this?" Cyan says.

"Ugh." "Thou art a pain in th-" "Dammit!" "I'm talking like you now!" "Just try your best!" Sabin shouts.

Kenshin and Shadow had already commandeered two armors and watched as Cyan rushed toward them bowling over imperial troops as he passed. "Whoa whoa Cyan easy!" "It's like walking only use your hands!" Kenshin says.

Okay, I see. They're not sharing the magitek suits like his description led me to believe. Kenshin and Shadow went off screen to find two others.

What a mess.

"Come on." "Let's get out of here before the knight causes anymore of a disturbance." Shadow says.

The four bolted from the camp taking out anyone who dared get in their way. Ditching the armors Sabin turns to Cyan. "Not bad old man." "Say you wouldn't happen to know how to get to Narshe from here would you?"

"Hm...Narshe." "Only one route's open." "We have to go through the forest to the south." Cyan says.

"Then let's get moving then." Kenshin says then.



Man, what a fun, action-packed exciting scene that was. Had I been able to make head or tails of it, it would have been even better!

Kenshin and Cyan walked in the back behind Sabin and Shadow. "Hey Cyan."

"Yes Nemesis?" Cyan asks.

"Your really gonna keep calling me that aren't you?" Kenshin says.

"Yes." "T'is what you are." Cyan says.

Cyan gets it.

"Well I thin rival works better here." "Cause we're on the same side." "But anyway isn't this the Phantom Forest?"

"Now that you mention it you're right." "It is." Cyan says. "What's the problem?"

"Nothing." "I was just making sure." Kenshin says. "I was told I was found here by the Vectorian Empire." "But why here?"

...Because that's where you were?

"Hey Cyan!" Sabin says. "Is there supposed to be a train here?"

"What? !" Cyan says as the four come up on a train station. "But that's impossible the Doma Railway was destroyed years ago!"

"Well..." "Maybe we should check for people?" Sabin says.

"Wait Sir Sabin!" Cyan shouts as he Shadow and Kenshin run a enter the train.

"Huh..." "Looks nice." Kenshin says.

"Hey Cyan all clear!" Sabin says.

"Let me off this train!" "It's haunted!" Cyan shouts.

"Aw come on Cyan!" "This thing isn't even movin'!" "What're ya scared? !" Kenshin says grinning.

Yeah you giant pussy. Why are you so afraid of a random train broken down in the middle of the PHANTOM FOREST?

A low whistle resounds and the train shakes. "Huh?"

"It's moving..." Sabin says. "If we don't get outta here now..."

"Forget it." Shadow says looking out the window. "It is already at full speed." "If you tried now you'd die."

"What's with the train Cyan?" Kenshin asks.

Oh, so now you're interested?

"It's the Phantom Train." "It carries the departed souls over to the afterlife." Cyan says. Kenshin and Sabin gulp audibly. "Oh crap." Kenshin says.

Sabin starts pulling on the door handle. "LET ME OUTTA HERE! !" "I'M NOT READY TO DIE YET!"

"What're ya scared, Sabin?" "You giant deuce-dropping fag?" "Bawk bawk bawk."

"We all gotta die sometime." Cyan Kierke-Garamond says.

"Come on." "I saw a car in the back maybe we can get some answers there." Kenshin says walking out of the train car. Once in the back car they noticed a wandering spirit. "Freaky." Kenshin says.

It notices Kenshin and runs over to him. "Whoa!" "Hold on do you wanna help us?"

The spirit nods quickly. Sabin and Cyan felt a little squeamish. "Oh will you two stop it!" "Welcome aboard Yuurei-San."

Translation: yuurei is like the nihongers equivalent to a ghost. His name is literally Mr. Ghost, and he shall be referred to as such from now on.

The spirit scratches it's head nodding. "Alright." "In here."

They found a man standing in the room. "Hey you!" "How do you stop this thing?" Sabin says.

"Ha ha!" "Go check the control room at the front!"

"Damn." "I was hoping he wouldn't say that." Cyan says.

"Also he says that FemThor is a shining example of comic writing."

"Damn." "I was really hoping he wouldn't say that!" Cyan says.

"Well get the molasses out your asses and let's get moving." Kenshin says.

You are needlessly proud of that line.

"Unless of course...you tire of life." Kenshin says as an eerie aura surrounded him.

Kenshin Kuroshi: Affable anime protagonist and sociopathic bully. What shitty archetype is he gonna be next?

"Uuueehh!" Sabin and Cyan say. Shadow shakes his head. "Nice trick with the ghost." He comments.

"Ha ha." "Thanks Mr. Ghost." Kenshin says.

Mr. Ghost nods. The group of four make their way through the train when a group of zombies block their path.

Even though it's context-appropriate, the phrase "a group of zombies blocked their path" sounds like the most generic fanfiction plot twist out there.

"Sorry boys!" "Skull kitchen's closed!" Kenshin shouts. Mr. Ghost rushes forward and jumps off of one of them. Holding it's hand out a great blaze engulfs them all.

"Whoa!" "Nice!" Kenshin says.

Mr. Ghost holds it's hand over it's mouth like it was laughing and beacons them forward.

Mr. Ghost has proven himself to be a well-mannered and useful member of the team so far. He also doesn't talk, so he's much less grating than a certain other protagonist who shall remain anonymous.

They soon reached a dead end in the train cars. "Dammit what now." Sabin says.

"Let's look in here." Shadow says.

The five enter the train car and a spirit appeared behind them. "Hey hey move it!" Sabin says.

"No...escape..." It says.

"What?" Kenshin says.

"Um...Nemesis...Sir Sabin...Sir Shadow..." Cyan says panicking.

Don't forget Sir Mr. Ghost.

"What?" Kenshin says.

Sabin turns around and pales. "Holy crap all the spirits are ganging up on us!"

"Oh fuck!" Kenshin shouts.

"Relax and take them out!" Shadow reprimands.

"R-Right!" Sabin says, pulling out his dick.

The five fight and Kenshin and Mr. Ghost close in on each other going back to back. As soon as they touch Kenshin turns around and clocks Mr. Ghost.

Of course he does. Draconis can't let any other character get over without some kind of accosting from Kenshin.

Mr. Ghost starts waving it's hands around with smoke coming out of it's hood. "Jeez sorry!" "All you all look alike dammit!"

If anything it pissed Mr. Ghost off more.

As it should. You can't keep letting Kenshin get away with the vile, disgusting bigotry he spews.

Burn a cross in his yard, Mr. Ghost. Show him who's the boss.

"Will you two stop having your lover's squabble and come on!" Sabin shouts.

The five run out of the train car and climb on top of it. "No choice!" Kenshin says noticing they were completely surrounded. "Jump!" Kenshin says dashing and jumping across the two train cars. Shadow Sabin Cyan and Mr. Ghost quickly followed. "That was close."

"Ah!" "My training finally paid off." Sabin says.

"Uh oh." Cyan says. "They're still following."

"We gotta disconnect the cars." Shadow says.

Dialog is not exposition. Goddamn this chapter's a mess.

"Right." Sabin says running into the car they landed on and flipping a switch.

"Everybody get back." Kenshin says as the cars disconnect. "Whew!" "That was too close!"

The five walk into the car. "How did you know that would work?" Cyan asks.

"I didn't." Sabin says. "I see switch." "I flip switch."

Took you less than two full chapters to flanderize Sabin down to being a retard. Good going, Draconis.

"That's...a bad way to live." Shadow says.

Kenshin flips the switch again and the doorway opens up. "Eh." "Works in this instance."

The group then makes their way into the dining cart. "Hm." "Anyone hungry?" Sabin asks.

"I could eat." Kenshin says.

"Would not hurt." Shadow says.

Mr. Ghost shrugs. Cyan gapes as Sabin and Kenshin call for some orders. "Whoa whoa whoa!" "Are you three going to be OK if you eat this? !"

There's four other people here. I don't know if Draconis keeps forgetting about Mr. Ghost or Kenshin in this situation.

Mr. Ghost nods and gives a thumbs up. "Well the local seems to think it's OK."

"Well no kidding the local is dead!" Cyan says.

That doesn't mean he doesn't have feelings, you cad.

Food was placed in front of Sabin Kenshin Shadow and Mr. Ghost. "See?" "Kenshin says cleaning off his plate. "God that was good."

"Right?" Sabin says.

"I agree." Shadow says.

"Wait...how did you eat with out taking off your mask?" Kenshin asks.

"Ninja secret." Shadow replies blandly.

Can't spare two paragraphs for proper description in order to anchor his readers to anything going on, but still can find space for a joke about "ohoho how does shadow eat hohoho."

"That's not the point!" Cyan shouts. "Your souls are leaving your bodies!"

"Huh?" Kenshin says looking at his paling hand. "I guess they are."

That'll teach you to masturbate!

Mr. Ghost shakes it's head and grabs Kenshin's hand drawing letters into it. "It's...normal...don't...worry...Cyan-San." "They are...in no danger."

"See?" Sabin says. "If the local says we're fine then we're fine."

It's not like this story has any soul to steal.

Boom, roasted.

"Whatever." Cyan says.

The five exit the way they came and walk past the car and into another. "What's in here." Kenshin says walking into the compartment.

They found a chest. "Finders keepers I guess." Kenshin says going to open it.

Man if only Locke were here so Kenshin could call him a thief.

"Hold it!" A man shouts diving at Kenshin who grabbed the man's arm and flung him across the room. "And who are you?"

"I am Ziegfried!" "The greatest swordsman in the world!" He says.

Kenshin narrows his eyes a perplexed look on his face. "If you're the greatest then why are you on this train?"

...inquires the dude who is also on the Dead People Train.

"Sh-Shut up!" "If I were you I'd take your ox and gramps here and run for it!" Ziegfried says.

"Nah." Kenshin says "Let's rumble!"

Ziegfried unsheathed his blade and charged Shadow who blocked his strike. Suddenly Shadow's hound rushes in and bites Ziegfried. "Ahh!" "Even though that treasure is still mine!" Kenshin and Mr. Ghost were shoved out of the way and Ziegfried stole the contents of the chest. "Got what I wanted Ta ta for now!"

"That thieving mother fucker!" Kenshin shouts. Mr. Ghost smacked Kenshin upside the head. "What? !"

Mr. Ghost wagged it's finger at Kenshin.

It's amazing how saying nothing and not being either a one-dimensional joke or a glory vortex can make a character somewhat endearing.

"Oh oh my bad I just got something stolen I'm just angry!" Kenshin says.

Mr. Ghost smacked Kenshin again. This time Kenshin fumed and walked off.

I figured that Mr. Ghost would be a stupid-ass thing Draconis wanted to include to make more anime jokes with Kenshin, but he has really grown on me.

I'm going to miss him.

"Outta my fucking way!" He shouts and a loud ruckus was heard. The four walked out to see the other ghosts and various undead monsters beaten. "I'm sick of these mother fucking undead on this mother fucking train! !" "Let's get outta here!"

Dunno what's worse. The already-by-this-point outdated reference or the fact that he very callously said "fuck all ghosts" in front of a ghost.

"I think he's mad." Sabin says. Mr. Ghost shot him a look that said. 'ya think? !'

The five make their way toward the last car when Mr. Ghost stops. Kenshin turns. "Leaving?" "I hope it isn't about what I said?"


Mr. Ghost shook it's head and grabbed Kenshin's hand. "It's OK..." "I'd be sick of it too in your position." Kenshin spoke for it. "Well it's been fun Mr. Ghost."

Mr. Ghost traced into Kenshin's hand. "That's Mrs. Ghost."

Oooh, Kenshin assumed someone's gender. I'm gonna tell tumblr on him, and then tell on tumblr to reddit so they can pretend to be shocked at how much of a cesspool tumblr is.

"Eh?" "You're a girl?" Sabin says. Mrs. Ghost nods and walks off.

Does Kenshin want to fuck her now, or something?

"Huh." "Well whatever." "I see the engine car up ahead." Kenshin says.

"Right." Shadow says. "Now when we get up there there will be three switches." "Pull the outer ones and leave the center one up."

Cyan stares at him. "How...do you...?"

"Death is always a step behind me." Shadow says walking away.

teh blak wind howlz

"What isn't he telling us?" Sabin wonders.

"Huh." "Whatever." Kenshin thought.

"I guess...that makes sense." Cyan thought.


"Oh, I guess you're right again, Kenshin."

They make their way up and do as Shadow says. Moving up to the whistle they see another switch and flip it.

The train shook violently. "So!" "It's you four that have been slowing my progress!" "Very well then prepare to die!"

You know...again.

The train brakes suddenly flinging all four train as they begin running for dear life. "ARE YOU SHITTING ME? !" Kenshin shouts. "WE GOTTA FIGHT THE TRAIN ITSELF? !"

Oh man. I bet Sabin suplexes the train. That's an awesome thing no one knows about or has ever made into a meme, so I'm sure Draconis will do it.

"Relax!" "It can be beaten!" Shadow says lobbing shuriken at it.

"Alright!" Kenshin says chanting. "Fire 2!" The spell drained him, but he had to keep running as white fire arced upward and slashed the train.

"Sword Technique Number 3!" "Slash!" Cyan exclaimed jumping at the train and slashing his sword at it.

"Aurabolt!" Sabin says shooting his blue beam attack.


"Argh!" The train exclaimed.

"Everyone stop attacking for a moment!" Shadow says. "Kenshin do you know any healing magic?"

"Yeah, but it's not very strong!" Kenshin says.

"Damn." Shadow says. "Alright do we have any Phoenix downs?"

Oh nice. He's actually exploiting that glitch.

Phoenix downs revive dead people, and since the Phantom Train is an undead, using one defeats it in one shot. It's a pretty well known exploit, I'm just surprised, and grateful, he's not having Sabin suplex the train and then playing it off like no one knows about it.

"Actually yeah." Sabin says taking one out of his pocket.

"Hand it here!" Shadow says. Sabin hands it off to Cyan who hands it off to Kenshin who hands it off to Shadow. He throws it at the train. Nothing happened for a moment.

"What was that supposed to do? !" Kenshin shouts.

"Just wait!" Shadow says.

Suddenly the train began roaring in pain. "What happened?" Cyan says.

"It's been severely weakened." Shadow says. "Someone strike the final blow."

"I got it!" Sabin shouts diving for the still moving train.

Oh dear.

"Are you mad? !" Cyan shouts

What happened next made Kenshin's Cyan's and even Shadow's eyes go wide with shock. "Haaaahhhhh!" "Suplex!" Sabin says lifting up the ENTIRE train and dropping it onto the ground.


That's it. I'm done. I'm never setting any expectations for you ever again.

"Damn everyone out of the way!" Kenshin shouts shaking off his shock and jumping into a tree.

"Alright...I'll stop..." The train says finally. "Just keep that psycho bodybuilder away!"

Said the train who is death-incarnate and ferries people to the afterlife.

Somehow the train got back on the tracks and stopped at a station. "Sabin that was fucking awesome!" Kenshin shouts.

"Wasn't it? !" Sabin says as the two punch each others fists

"I'm so glad to be offa that damn thing." Cyan mutters.

I thought Cyan was supposed to be all chivalric and old timey. Of course, no original character trait can exist so long as Draconis needs them to be stupider, more cowardly or weaker than his protagonist.

"Ahem." The four men turn to see Mrs. Ghost. "Huh?" "You could talk too?" Sabin says. "Hey Kenshin she could talk too!"

Kenshin didn't speak as he recognized the voice. "N-No...w-way." "What is she doing here? !"

"Take down your hood." Kenshin says.

Mrs. Ghost shrugs and strips off the entire cloak. Kenshin's eyes widened. "Wh...at?"

Man, I fucking called it. I knew it would end like this as soon as Mr. Ghost was outed as a female.

"Kenshin do you know her?" Sabin asks.

Kenshin swallowed down a lump in his throat. Shadow grabbed hold of Sabin and Cyan's shoulders. "Let's give them some time alone."

Shadow, don't be an enabler.

The woman was wearing a red button up shirt with matching martial artist's pants. She had long red hair that hung down past her waist. On top of her head was two cat ears. She stared at him with deep green eyes smiling at him. "What?" "You seem shocked?"

"How...How did you get here?" "Are you really my...my..." Kenshin couldn't finish as he wiped his eyes.

"Hai." "It's me Ken-Chan." "It's your mother Hikari." She says. Kenshin lunged forward and embraced her.

Oh well now this is just getting weird.

"H-How did you get here...how did you die?"

"Dead?" Hikari asks. "I'm not dead." "This train carried me here so I could search for you."

"O-Oh." Kenshin says. Hikari wipes Kenshin's eyes smiling. "It's OK...I know you're carrying a lot of guilt right now because of what happened, but...it's OK."

And if you want to find out what he's guilty of, go buy the manga.

"H-How is everyone?" Kenshin asks.

"Everyone else is just fine." "Your sisters miss you though." Hikari says.

"I-I see." Kenshin says.

"Won't you come back with me?" Hikari asks. "The world you came from is still in danger."

Yeah, go back to your own world, you leech. Never come back. Build a wall, and all that stuff that was funny back when no one thought Trump would win.

"I would, but...I kinda can't right now." Kenshin says.

"Why?" Hikari asks.

Kenshin told her briefly about what had been happening up until now. Hikari nods. "I see..." "Ken-Chan..." "Do you like this Terra girl?" Hikari asks.

"Yeah of course." "She's a good friend." Kenshin says.

"No no no no." Hikari says. "I mean do you like her."

Kenshin stepped back blushing. "Dammit you always knew how to get a rise outta me."

I'm still not entirely convinced this scene isn't going to end with sex.

"Of course I do." "I'm your Mom." Hikari says. "Well I guess if that's the case...I can't take you back right now can I?"

"Gomen." Kenshin says.

The only way I can make any of the weeb speak not insulting is that Kenshin comes from a Japanese city on earth. Maybe he tried to prevent WWII or something, I don't know. I don't care either.

Hikari shakes her head. "No." "Don't worry about it." "Just do your best here." "And Ken-Chan."

"What?" Kenshin says.

Hikari leaned in and kissed him on the cheek. "If you're still beating yourself up over your father's death then don't." "Just get him to the afterlife safely OK?"

"O-OK." Kenshin says returning her kiss on the cheek. "Goodbye Mom." "I love you." "Tell everyone I'm fine."

"I will." Hikari says walking onto the train. "See ya."

Remember when this was a Final Fantasy fanfic?

Yeah, I'd rather not either.

The train pulls away and Kenshin makes his way back to the group. "?" "Where's Cyan?"

Sabin and Shadow share a look then point ahead. "His...wife and son got on the train." Shadow says.

...Oh motherfucker. He didn't just skip that, did he?

Kenshin's look became one of realization and he walked by the two and toward Cyan. "Hey."

"What?" Cyan says turned away from him. Kenshin walks up next to him and lights two incense sticks and passes one to Cyan. "Thank you." Cyan says.

Kenshin holds his at chest level. "If it means anything Cyan." "I'm sorry for your loss."

Oh fuck off, really?

"Thank you." Cyan says allowing a few tears to fall from his eyes and splash onto the ground.

"But." "You know they would want you to keep on living." Kenshin says. "You are the last survivor of the kingdom of Doma." "What you do now will define the legacy of a once great kingdom." "And your wife and child...wouldn't want their husband and father to immediately follow them to death." Kenshin sets his incense on the ground.
"That's all I have to say." "What you do is your choice." "Cyan Garamonde."

You gotta be shitting me. Of course none of the other characters can have any of their great scenes without Kenshin somehow getting involved.

"Kenshin." Cyan says. Kenshin's footsteps stop. "You have my sincerest gratitude."

"Yes." Kenshin says.

(chapter end)

That absolute madman, he actually did it.

Since Draconis sucks at explaining anything, let me give some context. In the events of this chapter, Cyan's family is killed and he joins the party. As the players depart the Phantom Train, he sees his wife and son departing for the afterlife. The scene after it is just Sabin, Shadow and Cyan standing around as he mourns. No one, not Sabin, who is very energetic and gregarious, nor Shadow, who loves all that edgy death shit, say anything. Within the limitations of what the SNES could do, it was about as great a cutscene as one could make, and succeeded in conveying the emotional weight of the moment.

Watch this and understand my anger.

In theory then, this chapter should have centered around Cyan. A competent writer, knowing where the really essential gravity of this chapter's events lies, might have focused primarily on Cyan and left Sabin and co on the periphery. Really all they did was contribute folksy humor and whatnot. Cyan had the actual development. But of course, this couldn't be the case. Draconis decided that the focus should never leave Kenshin. Kenshin has to be at the center of everything. Whether it was being shoehorned in as Cyan's "nemesis," his still self-centered grudge against Kefka, him palling around with a ghost for most of the Phantom Train, or drawing attention from one of THE most memorable scenes in the game in order to forward his own bullshit pseudo-drama with his mother.

And I knew, I fucking knew, this shit would happen. That's one of the reasons why I didn't want him in this section. He can't go more than a chapter without being the center of everyone else's preoccupations.

So much for this being an ensemble work! It's A Step Onto Chronos with slightly more edgy writing. Goddamnit.

Draconis: And that's the end of that chapter...

Sabin: Somber ending don't you think?

Hard to tell, considering the dumbass author skipped the fucking somber part.

Draconis: I wanted to stop at what I believed was the halfway point of your scenario.

Cyan: Kenshin thoust oweth me a rematch soon!

Kenshin: Whatever.

Cyan and Kenshin seem to be doing better. So much for the emotional gravity of anything that just happened.

Anyway the end of Sabin's scenario will be up soon. See you then.

This was a long-ass chapter, man. I am surprised and happy the site managed to process it all at once.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Feb 7 2017, 08:12 PM

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post Feb 14 2017, 10:18 AM
I promised I'd give myself some time to convalesce after the previous monster of a chapter, but this one seemed short enough that I had to give it a shot. Luckily, Draconis keeps me amply supplied with enough material. Now let's all celebrate our Valentine's Day by mocking shitty fanfiction.

Live from his parents basement, it's Saturday Night!

Draconis: Whelp after four short days we're back.

Kenshin: Why the big hold up?

Draconis: I got sidetracked by an MMO.

Kenshin: Ah...huh. Anyway shall we continue?

Draconis: Yeah.

You know, if you're not gonna put any effort into your cringe-worthy skits, I'm not gonna put any effort into my hilarious commentary.

Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale.

Chapter 7

Into the Water and the Wilderness by DragonForce

Draconis: Begin.


The group of four were walking out of the forest. "So Kenshin who was that woman?" "It seemed like you two were kinda close." Sabin asks.

"It was my mother." Kenshin answers honestly. "I gotta say though I was not expecting her to be here."

"I was expecting her to be back at home, cooking a delicious turkey dinner before my father gets cross."

"Sometimes spirits will linger for years on end awaiting their loved ones." Shadow says.

"That's not the reason I was surprised, but I'll take it." Kenshin thought. "Yeah I guess."

"I'm sorry for your loss." Cyan says.

His mom's not dead. She just visited him from another dimension. Don't pity him!

"Don't worry about it." Kenshin says waving him off. "I'm sure her and the rest of my family are OK in the afterlife."

They're not dead! Stop making the dude who legitimately lost his family mourn for you, you apathetic sack of shit!

"So are we close to where we're heading?"

"Baren Falls." "With the Empire at our backs we need to disappear." Cyan says.

"Annnnd we're gonna jump off a cliff and down a waterfall to do it?" Kenshin says.

"Yes." "Problem?" Cyan asks.

and now cyans spouting fucking memes i cant do this shit

"No..." "I'll be going on ahead." Kenshin says.

Kenshin walks away. Sabin looks over at him. "What's up with him?" "He had this like...exasperated look on his face."

"I believe he was thinking." "'Why do I have to group with two maniacs?'" "As well as a really handsome and smart ninja named Shadow." Shadow replies.

"Maniacs?" Cyan says. "I'm no maniac!"

"Hey old man you're the one leading us to a waterfall to jump off of." Sabin says.


Baren Corbin Falls.

Cyan Shadow and Sabin walked up the cliff and saw Kenshin smoking a pipe. "Nemesis aren't you too young to be smoking?"

"Old enough to kill old enough to smoke and drink." Kenshin and oddly enough Shadow say.

Yes, yes, I wrote that essay back in high school too.

At least we can confirm that Kenshin is under 18 at this point. Since he spent three years with the empire, he was at the very most 14 when he was drafted and made a general. What can we derive from this information? Probably Draconis' age, as Kenshin just seems to be Draconis' ideal man.

"So we jumping down this thing or what?" Sabin says. Kenshin sighs smacking his pipe against the ground and pocketing it. "Ready whenever you guys are."

"I've served my purpose here." "I'll be leaving." Shadow says.

[Shadow died on the way to his home planet]

"Alright then." Kenshin says. "If I'm still alive come find me again I owe you some cash."

"Hey Shadow!" Sabin says. Shadow turns his head toward him. "Let's team up again sometime."

"We'll see." Shadow says walking away from the three.

Kenshin sighs again. "So are the stories I've heard of this fall true?"

"You mean the ones about the Rape-Pirhanas? Absolutely."

"Yes." Cyan says. "You really only fall for a few minutes, but it feels like ten or fifteen."

Kenshin narrows his eyes at Cyan. "You talk like you do this all the time."

"I used to as a kid." Cyan says.

Kenshin facepalms. "I knew it." "I'm the only sane one here."

Given the world they live in, I'd assume this wouldn't be too different than jumping into a swimming hole or lake. In which case, quit being a fun-Hitler, Kenshin.

"Screw it let's just go." He says jumping over the edge.

"After you Sir Sabin." Cyan says.

Sabin shrugs and jumps over the edge follow Kenshin. Cyan shook his head and followed them down.

Sabin and Cyan joined Kenshin at his falling point. "This is boring!" Kenshin says.

Can you go a few minutes without acting like either an edgelord or some whiny pre-pubescent punk?

"Just wait!" Cyan says.


Noticing the slight uptick in his quality of life, Sabin begins to envy the deaf.

Suddenly a pair of piranha sprung out of the waterfall. "What the? !" Kenshin shouts.

"Just kill them!" Cyan says.

"How the hell are we supposed to do that? !" Kenshin shouts.

Asks the guy who's world famous (but not really) for killing large groups of people.

Cyan notices one making it's way over to him. "Dispatch!" He cuts the fish clean in half.

"Aurabolt!" Sabin shouts shooting a beam at the other piranha vaporizing it.

"Like so." Cyan says. "Now stay vigilant there are more coming."

"Hey Kenshin why not use that chain function of your staff and pull them in close or use magic?" Sabin says.

"...Damn my forgetful mind." Kenshin curses taking out his staff and sword.

It's ok. Sometimes I forget that I can kill people with my magical powers too.

"Get ready here they come!" Cyan shouts as a whooping nine piranha show up.

Should've gotten vaccinated smdh.

"Damn!" Sabin says.

"Damn is right!" "Where did they all come from? !" Kenshin shouts smacking one of the piranha away with his staff.

The waterfall, I'm guessing.

"Nemesis do you mind helping out with some magic?" Cyan says.

"Sure just keep me covered." Kenshin says. Cyan and Sabin nod moving in front of Kenshin as he began chanting.

Cyan held his sword defensively in front of him. As soon as one of the piranha made a move toward him he sliced it to bits. "One down!"

"Aurabolt!" Sabin shouts frying three of the man-eating fish with his attack. "Three over here!"

"Multi-Targeting Fire! !" Kenshin intones as five orbs of flame shoot toward the remaining fish burning them to a crisp.

"Whew." "Think that's it?" Sabin says.

So you've got a samurai, a body builder who can use what is essentially the Kamehameha wave, and a former general who has magical powers and can transform into a demon, and they're fighting a bunch of rabid pirahnas while falling down the side of a waterfall.

It seems like such a hard concept to make uninteresting, but there you go.

"I wouldn't be too sure Sir Sabin." Cyan says. "Those fish never traveled in that big of a group before."

"Their leader is coming." Kenshin says. "A pack that big is bound to have a strong alphamale."

Monty Brown?

Sure enough a purple piranha springs out of the water and launches toward Kenshin. "What the hell? !" Kenshin jammed the button for his chain down and swung. "I ain't no appetizer!" He shouts smacking the fish into the waterfall's wall.

"I heard of this one." Cyan says. "It's Rizopas." "Watch it you two this one can use magic."

To bring the point home a series of multi-colored arcs of lightning hit Kenshin dead on. "Arrgh!" "That thing knows Mega-Volt? !"

"I just said it knows magic!" Cyan shouts. "Pay attention!"

As much as I could give Draconis shit for seemingly making Kenshin an absent minded dolt this chapter, Cyan's just kind of Bardicking it up at the moment.

The atmosphere around Sabin started getting colder. "Brr.." "What's this feeling?" Then a blue light shot toward the sky from under him. "S-So cold...can't feel legs..."
Sabin says his teeth chattering.

"OK the human popsicle is out of the mix."

What a nice way to refer to your friends.

"Cyan." "I want you to come in and stab the blasted thing when I say." "Got it?" Kenshin says.

"I hear you." Cyan says. "Go for it."

Kenshin nods and swings his chain at Rizopas wrapping it around the fish. It thrashed and struggled in Kenshin's chain. "Dammit!" "Quit moving!" Kenshin shouts.

"Come on, please? All the other bosses just stood there and let us kill them!"

"Now? !" Cyan shouts.

"Go for it!" Kenshin yelled.

Cyan shot forward and stabbed his sword at Rizopas. His strike missed as Rizopas shook free and sunk it's fangs into Cyan's shoulder. "Argh! !"

"Cyan!" Kenshin says wrapping his chain around the knight and pulling him back. "Are you OK?"

"Urgh..." "Dammit." "That thing has poison fangs as well?" Cyan says. "I apologize Nemesis I need to sit this out."

I'm not sure if Draconis remembers that they're supposed to be falling right now.

Cyan passed out. Kenshin turned his chain back into a staff and glared. "Alright you filet let's finish this."

Ensemble cast!

Rizopas growled in agreement and began glowing. "Another spell?" Kenshin felt the air getting colder around him and flapped his arms drifting backward. "Tch." "That ice bull isn't gonna work on me."

Kenshin wears flannel underwear. Take that fish monster!

"Tritoch please tell me I can still use my wings." Kenshin thought as he dodged multiple spells from Rizopas.

"You can, but just the wings." Tritoch replies. "Any techniques you created involving them are unusable."

Makes sense. Totally.

I dread the inevitable arc where Kenshin gets all of his powers back.

"Of course they are." Kenshin thought.

"Urrgh!" Kenshin grunts as two red scaled dragon wings shot out of his back. Sabin while shivering turned to Kenshin in shock. "Y-Y-You h-h-have w-w-wings? !"

"Yeah?" Kenshin says. "Doesn't everyone, you pussy?" "Now keep it down I gotta kill this thing."

Rizopas cast spell after spell trying to hit Kenshin and failed as he inched closer and closer. "Hey bite size!" "Have some steel!" Kenshin shouts slicing Rizopas in half.

"Ugh finally." "That was annoying." Kenshin says turning around. "Fire!" A trio of fireballs hit Sabin dead on.


"IT THAWED YOU OUT DIDN'T IT? !" Kenshin shouts back flying back toward them.

Yeah, but did you have to hit him with it three times?

"So what now?" Sabin asks.

Kenshin grabs the back of Cyan's armor and turned to Sabin. "Grab on." "I'm gonna help us land softly."

"Got it." Sabin says grabbing Kenshin's wrists, not caring to question the scars left by what looked like a very dull blade.

Kenshin flapped his wings. "Urgh!" "Dammit you guys are heavy." He says groaning.

"Oh stow your complaints Kenshin we're almost to the ground." Sabin says.

"You think you could survive a hundred plus foot fall?" Kenshin says glaring down at him.

Sabin pales. "I'll...shut up now."

"That's what I thought." Kenshin says.

I'm glad you joined the BroTrip, Kenshin. The hole left in your presence might have left us without a snarking psuedo-badass, and that would've been unimaginable.

They soon land on the ground and Kenshin tosses Sabin a bottle. "That's an antidote force it down Cyan's throat."

"Where are you going?" Sabin asks.

"I'm going to fly around and see where we are." Kenshin says walking away.

"Wait Kenshin." "Where did you...get the wings?" "From the empire?" Sabin asks.

From Goodwill, actually. Can you believe someone just threw those out?

(sigh) "I was born with them." Kenshin says. "My title as 'Demon of Vector' wasn't a lie." "I really am a demon."

...I miss Big Boss.

"Why do you sound so sad when you say that?" Sabin asks.

(deep sigh) "It's a really long story that I would rather not get into, but...if you need an answer I'll just say I'm the only one of my kind on this entire planet." Kenshin
says flapping his wings and taking off.

Not because of any great tragedy or anything. He just teleported here after he died.

I get what Draconis is trying to do; he's trying to draw a parallel between him and Terra as "non-humans." That'd all be well and good if they weren't both essentially humans in a world made up of humanoids and beast people. All of them white, at that.

Sabin blinks. "Man." "I wonder what that's like." He kneels down next to Cyan and uncorks the antidote bottle and opens Cyan's mouth and pours the contents down.

The knight's eyes snap open and he coughs. "Ulgh!" "That tastes horrible Sir Sabin!"

That's what she said.

"Don't blame me Kenshin told me to pour it down your throat." Sabin says.

That's what she said.

Cyan looks around. "Where is Nemesis?" Cyan asks.

That's what she said everyone asks as soon as he's out of eyesight.

"Could you please call him by his name?" Sabin says. "You calling him that makes me think you two are gonna tear each other apart at some point."

That would be too fun.

"Ha ha!" Cyan laughs. "No no Sir Sabin I assure you I'm not going to bring ill will to Kenshin if he does the same."

"Whatever." Sabin says.

Alright, motherfucker. We already have one plaintively indifferent douchebag on this bro trip, we do not need another.

He looks off in the distance and sees Kenshin flying then suddenly get tackled to the ground. "Whoa!" "Cyan we gotta move!"

Cyan nods albeit confused. "What's wrong?" He asks as they run toward Kenshin.

"I just saw Kenshin getting attacked." Sabin says. "If I don't get that shit on film, my bros at World Star will never let me hear the end of it!"

The two arrive to where Kenshin is to see him fighting a young boy garbed in beast hides with short blond hair.

"Nemesis!" "Fighting a child? !" "How could you!" Cyan shouted reprimandingly.


Nevermind. I'll let that one hang.

Kenshin turned his attention to the two. "This little prick started it!" "I tossed him a piece of meat and after he ate it he tried to take a chomp out of my wings!"

Sabin stepped in between the two and forced them apart. "Whoa whoa kid!" "That isn't food!" "That's part of his body!"

Women. Am I right?

The child stared curiously at Kenshin. "Not meal?"

"NO!" Kenshin shouts angrily.

"Oh Kenshin that's enough." Sabin says. "It sounds like he doesn't know any better."

Kenshin tossed a piece of meat into Sabin's face. "Hey kid he's got food sick 'em!"

Yes, let's make fun of the starving feral child by taunting him with meat, why not.

"FOOD!" The child exclaims happily chasing down Sabin.

"YOU ASSHOLE!" Sabin shouts glaring daggers at Kenshin as he evaded the child.

"You mad?" Kenshin asks grinning coyly.

Anyone who ever said they loved you was wrong.

"Sir Sabin just toss him the meat already!" Cyan says.

"Fine!" Sabin says chucking the meat at the child who devoured it voraciously.

"More?" He asks.

"Sorry kid all out." Kenshin says. "And stay away from my wings!" He shouts seeing the look in his eyes.

"Dawwhh!" He complains.

Children starving is a joke.

Kenshin chuckles petting the child's head. "Dah I can't stay mad at such a cute kid!"

The child laughs merrily. "You and muscle man strong!"

"Let's rumble some more then!" Kenshin says jumping around going blow for blow with the child.

"I can't stay mad at such a cute kid!" Immediately starts beating the shit out of the kid.

"Hey you two cut it out!" Sabin shouts. "We still don't know where we are."

"Actually Sir Sabin we are in the Veldt." Cyan says. "It is untamed wilderness it's actually surprising that this child has survived for so long."

"Hey." "Learn to run with beasts you eventually become one." "He started young." Kenshin says.

Ten bucks Draconis has some shitty metal band poster on his wall with that saying.

"Still though the Veldt?" "That's a long way away from Narshe." "We'd have to cross the ocean to get there now."

"Oh Oh!" "I has idea!" The child shouts.

If Draconis uses him to make cheezburger memes, I will kick someone in the dick. Probably ConcernedGamer, because he's the only one who reads this.

"Uh that's 'I have an idea', but we're listening." Sabin says.

"I has shiny thing!" "Shiny shiny shiny shiny! !" He says cheerfully.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Cyan says. "Shiny though it may be how dost this help us?"

"Oh Cyan what other option do we have?" Kenshin asks.

...Literally anything else?

"Thou art missing the point Nemesis!" Cyan shouts. "What if it turns out to be nothing? !"

"Where is thoust sense of adventure?" Kenshin says. "It's at least worth looking into."

Yes, have you no trust in this savage child we just met's shiny thing?

"Thou?" The child asks. He then smiles and repeats the word several times.

"Hey hey hey!" Sabin says calming the child. "If you're gonna learn a new word then don't repeat it over and over again!"

Yeah, I hate it when people use words they just learned to sound smarter. That's so esoteric.

"You mad Thou?" The child asks with a coy grin.

"Ah ha ha ha!" "I like this kid." Kenshin says. Sabin turns away fuming. "Anyway kid what's your name?"

"Name?" The child asks curiously.

"You know." "What do people call you?" Cyan asks.

"They call me 'quit shaking the ladder you little shit.'"

"...?" The child tilts his head to the side still a curious look on his face.

"Hm..." "Uh..." Kenshin says. "Gau?" He says.

"Gau?" The boy says plausibly then smiles brightly. "Gau!" "Gau!" "Gau!"

I named him Trar when I was a kid, and I never really stopped as I got older.

That has nothing to do with this, I just wanted to share.

"Ha ha ha!" Kenshin chuckles. "Alrighty then Gau lead the way to shiny."

"OK!" Gau says. "Follow to Crescent Mountain!"


Southern End of the Veldt.

"Kenshin where exactly did you get the meat?" Sabin asks.

"I had some dried meat rations from Vector." Kenshin says. "I figured I was never gonna eat it." "Gau was hungry and I didn't feel like hiking all the way to Mobliz to buy some."

"I see." Sabin says.

So not only did you tease the kid with meat, you fed him what has to be by this point rancid meat.

Kenshin sighs. Cyan turns to him. "Something wrong Nemesis?"

"Well...before Sabin and I washed up at the end of Lete River I left a girl behind." "I'm just wondering how she's doing right now." Kenshin says. "I mean she's got amnesia and I told her I'd stay with her."

"But I didn't, and instead I joined in on the BroTrip because my author hates fun."

"Ah Kenshin you're worried about Terra aren't you?" Sabin asks.

"Yeah." "I guess you could say that." Kenshin says.

You could say that, and in fact, did say that, making this redundant.

"Ah I wouldn't worry Kenshin she is with Edgar and Banon." "And she can fight." Sabin says.

"I know that." Kenshin says.

"Just can't help it?" Sabin asks.

"Yeah." Kenshin says.

"Nemesis?" "Dost thou have feelings of infatuation with this maiden?" Cyan asks.

I see your accent is back. Which is nice, because now you at least have some character separate from everyone else, I guess.

Kenshin falls comically onto the ground. "Dammit Cyan!"


"It's a simple question Nemesis." Cyan asks.

"A simple question to which I will not provide an answer." Kenshin replies.

"Don't let him get away with it he totally does." Sabin says. Kenshin turns and chops Sabin over the head. "Gah!"

Serves him right for implying that Kenshin likes girls.


"You need me?" Gau asks.

"He said 'gah' not Gau, but in any case are we almost there?" Kenshin asks.

Gau nods. "Shiny is in cave." "So...we here."

"Huh." "How convenient someone asks that question and we actually are there." Sabin says.

Its almost as if the author sucks at any sort of exposition that isn't done through dialog. Comical dialog, that is.

The four enter the cave and Gau looks around. Kenshin Cyan and Sabin stare at him. "Gau?"

"Uhm...Gau forgets where he left shiny."

All three men fell over comically.


"Ugh." "OK Gau do you mind if we look around then?" Kenshin asks.

"OK." Gau says.

The three men stand up and walk around the cave. They walk up to a dead end bridge and Sabin walks to the end of it. Suddenly Gau walked up behind him and shouted
the n-word loudly

"Ah!" Sabin says. He looked himself over and saw something was missing. "AH!" "My pouch!" "There was 500 gil in there!" Sabin shouts. "Gau! !"

Gau ran over to Kenshin and hid behind him. "Sabin relax before you woke up at Lete River I pick pocketed you as payment for trying to take down Ultros alone." "Your pouch didn't have jack shit in it."

"Locke is a thief by the way."

"You jackass give me my money back!" Sabin shouts.

"Get a new pouch and maybe I'll think about it!" Kenshin retorts.

"Sir Sabin Nemesis we're looking for Sir Gau's shiny thing not listening to you two argue." Cyan says.

I mean, Kenshin just straight up admitted that he stole from Sabin, but I guess Sabin is equally wrong for arguing about it.

Kenshin nods and the four walk the the other side of the cave. Gau starts looking around at the ground and discovers four scuba helmets.

"Is this it?" Sabin asks.

"It would seem so." Cyan says.

Kenshin's face dawned in realization. "I get it now." There's a current that connects the Veldt to the mainland." "We slap these helmets on and we'll be able to breathe underwater."

"Really?" Sabin says. "So we're almost there?"

"It would seem so." Cyan says.

"Alright!" Kenshin says. He drapes his arm across Gau's shoulders and pulls him into a one armed hug. "Nice going Gau!"

Kenshin blinks as Gau wrapped him up in a bearhug. "Gau?"

"It would seem so." Cyan says.

"Papa..." Gau says nuzzling into Kenshin.

Kenshin's eyes soften. "He...thinks I'm his father figure?"

Poor kid never stood a chance.

"Well after your initial meeting you did treat him with kindness." Tritoch says. "And I do think you're the first person in awhile to do so."

If kindness is beating the shit out of people, then Kenshin is Mr. Rogers.

Kenshin smiles and pets Gau's head. "OK Gau it's time to go now." "Let's get moving."

Gau pulls away and smiles. "OK!"

The four put on the helmets and Kenshin turns. "Alright you three we may run into some monsters along the way." "Try your best to take them down." The four rush out and jump into the current.


Hours later.

The bodies of the four adventurers float up to the surface after drowning from a defective scuba helmet.


"Huuaaah!" Kenshin emerged from the water. Sabin Cyan and Gau soon followed.

"Something wrong Nemesis?" Cyan asks.

"Those beasts were stronger than I thought!" Kenshin says. "One of them cracked my helmet and I couldn't breathe!" Kenshin coughed. "In any case this boat should take us to South Figaro where we need to sneak out and then Narshe is but a stones throw away."

Remember that whole chapter where Locke had to sneak out of South Figaro and it was really difficult?

I don't blame you if you don't. It was a very forgettable chapter.

"Well Kenshin in any case your body is a lot better trained." Sabin says 'mirin.

"Yeah I guess." Kenshin says. "If anything I got my old stamina back."

So when Kefka kicks your ass this time, what's your excuse going to be?

Cyan walks up to the captain. "Excuse me Sir." "We would like to set sail to South Figaro."

"Really?" "Even thought it's occupied by the empire?" He asks.

"Could you try to sneak us out when we get there?" Cyan asks.

"Of course I just wanted to make sure you wanted to go." The captain asks. "Weigh anchor and set sail men! !"

Well at least we don't have to read a chapter where Kenshin strips men for no reason.


The ship begins sailing. "Man I'm glad none of us are prone to seasickness or we'd be in a bad way right now." Sabin says.

"Right?" Kenshin says.

Spoilers for later: Locke gets seasick in a later scene. I'm guessing this is Draconis' way of committing dramatic irony. It's actually not a bad gag, all things considered. Might take a while to pay off, but hell, at least he's thinking ahead.

Cyan sighs. "So will we get to strike at the Vectorian Empire at Narshe?"

"Maybe?" "They are after the esper in Narshe." Sabin says.

"Screw the Vectorians I'm just hoping everyone made it there alright." Kenshin says.

"Screw the Narsheans too for getting in the way."

"Yeah." Sabin says.

"Gau hopes too." Gau says.

"May we unite swiftly with our comrades." Cyan says.


Kenshin: Why an intermission?


Draconis: Because while I was originally thinking of stopping here Terra's scenario by itself would be too short and I'd rather not start the chapter after that in the middle of the upcoming battle.

Sabin: Kenshin do you get off on screwing with me or something?

Kenshin: (bites back a chuckle) N-Nooo...

Edgar: Ok while Kenshin and Sabin argue let's get started again.

I'm not even sure what the gag here was supposed to be. I never have much tolerance for these skits, but usually at least something (stupid) happens in them.

Draconis; Right. Back to Lete River!

(intermission end)

"Alright Edgar, Terra you need to steer the boat!" Banon shouts.

So is Edgar or Terra steering the boat?

"Got it!" "Terra take left." Edgar says.

"R-Right!" Terra replies.

No, left. God, you're useless without Kenshin around.

"Monsters!" Banon shouts.

"Dammit!" Edgar shouts. "Terra guard Banon I'll handle this!"

"OK!" Terra says.

Edgar pulled out his crossbow and tried to take aim as the raft crashed and banged against the rocks. He fired and missed. "Damn!"

"Multi-Targeting Fire!" Terra exclaimed as fire erupted and shot toward the three monsters coming their way.

"Uhm..." Edgar says.

"Problem Edgar-San?" Terra asks.

I wouldn't have nearly as much of an adverse reaction to the meme-ing in this if it wasn't constant, and every character seemed to do it at least once.

Just in this chapter, Cyan, Kenshin, Gau and Terra have all done it. That's repetitive nonsense, even if it weren't a meme, and all of them do the same shit.

"No." "Thank you for the assistance." Edgar says. "I suddenly feel like less of a man." He thought.

"Easy you two we're coming up on the end of the river." Banon says.

"Got it." "Terra bring it in easily." Edgar says.

"OK." Terra replies. The two 'dock' the raft at the end of the river and disembark.

Why is "dock" in quotations? What are you implying?

Don't google "docking" on Urban Dictionary.

"Where are we?"

"About an hour's hike from Narshe." Banon says. "I just hope Locke, Sabin and Kenshin can make it back safely."

Holy shit.

Draconis used commas to separate names! Proud of you!

"Yeah." Edgar says. "If the empire makes a move now we'd be sunk."

Terra closed her eyes in thought. "Kenshin-San." "Locke-San." "Sabin-San." "Please come back safe."


Hour later.



"OK." Edgar says. "It's highly unlikely that they will let us in through the gate." "Any ideas." He turned to Terra who was looking to her left at a rock wall. "Terra?"

"This way." She says walking to the rock wall.

"What about it?" Banon asks.

...It's the way she's telling you to go. Fucking retards...

"When Locke helped Kenshin-San and I escape he fiddled with something over here on this wall." Terra says. Edgar nods. "I see." "Knowing him it's probably a hidden passage." He began feeling around until he pressed something in opening the passage up. "Alright." "Let's proceed."

The group of three make their way up the stairs and come out to the ridge next to town. "To the left." Banon says.

"Right." Edgar says.

No, left. None of these people have any sense of direction smdh.

They go into the opening in the left end of the ridge and soon come up to a maze. Terra made a step forward when Banon set his hand on her shoulder. "Wait."

"Wha-" Terra says, but was cut off as a shimmer of light appeared and took off toward their left. It went up then left again after a split second until it ran into the wall and went up to the halfway point of the room before shooting right to a rock and went up again for a second and shot to the right then down, right again down again to the bottom of the maze. The light then went to the right side wall and shot up to a stalagmite then went left and up before disappearing.

The light then came back into view, drew the outlines of a rage comic, and disappeared into the mists of the year 2009.

"Hm." Edgar says.

"It seems to be a security checkpoint." Banon says. "We must have to follow the path of the light straight to the point." "If we make a mistake we will be surrounded by light." "Just grab for the light that's a different color than the rest."

"Got it." "Terra." "If you would." Edgar says.

Still can't use quotations properly though.

"OK." Terra says.

Terra walked the path slowly. "Um...let's see." "Left...up left again...up again..then to the right...up...right...down right...then...um..left?"

Light surrounded Terra Banon and Edgar. "Dah!" "OK concentrate!" Edgar says. "Now!" He grabbed at a light and groaned. It wasn't of a different color and the entire party was warped back to the entrance.

Is this supposed to be some kind of statement on affirmative action?

The light repeated it's pattern and Terra memorized it this time and made it to the end of the maze.

She and the others soon made it to the area she was cornered in when she and Kenshin had first attempted to escape Narshe. "We're getting close to his house." Terra says.

"Smith's house?" Banon asks.

Oh yeah. Draconis renamed Arvis because he couldn't be assed to look up his name. Those were simpler times...

"Yes." "He rescued Kenshin-San and I." Terra says as they continue to walk.

"I see." Banon says. "Let's hurry and get there." Banon says.

Minutes later they walk into the back door of Smith's house and into the living room. Smith ran up to them. "King Edgar!" "Banon!" "...Terra! !" "Arvis!"
He exclaims then looks around. "Where's Locke and Kenshin?"

"Taking care of other things before they make their way here." Edgar answers.

Banon walks up to him. "Arvis." "What's going on here in Narshe?"

...I didn't replace that. I guess Draconis actually learned his name...and then just...didn't copyedit his fic.

"Narshe remains staunchly neutral." "I've tried to convince people to side with the Returners, but...never mind that what in blazes are you doing here?" "I received a messenger bird from one of the Returners saying you'd be coming, but I can't imagine why." Smith says.

...and now it's back to just "Smith." Maybe he's trying to be sly in making his nickname "Arvis" or something, but he's not getting that across.

"Before we answer that how are your people holding up?" Edgar asks.

"Well when the esper was discovered they kind of lost it...and even moreso when the Empire made their move at it." Smith says.

Banon walks over to Terra. "This girl and Kenshin might be our last hope of reaching out to the esper and saving the world."

"Our people are dying to know what it looks like." "Also they're just dying." "In droves." Smith says. "Maybe Terra and Kenshin could restore some order to our town."

I dunno. Kenshin's idea of law and order seems like it would make stop-and-frisk look positively inoffensive.

Edgar sighs. "That esper is either gonna save our hides or dig us into our own graves."

Or both if he's good at taxidermy.


Days later.

"I understand what you are saying, but how can we encourage bloodshed? !" The Narshe elder says.

Are they arguing about the Monopoly house rules again?

Smith speaks up. "Th-Thats not what I'm saying at all!"

"Hmph." "Something like it." The elder says.

Banon walks to his left shaking his head. "Tch." "He's actually right Arvis."

Smith walks over to him. "Banon!"

If Arvis gets a nickname, Banon should too. I suggest Lewis.

"So then what?" "Turn your tail and hide?" A familiar voice says. Terra and Edgar's heads snap toward the door to see Kenshin standing in the doorway.

"!" "Kenshin!" "Kenshin-San!" Edgar and Terra say. Kenshin detected a bit of relieved joy in Terra's voice and smiled. "Hey." "Sabin and I made it OK." "And we even brought some friends."

Also Gau is there.

Kenshin turns his attention to the elder. "You know when She and I came here..." Kenshin says gesturing toward Terra. "...That was just the Empire being nice." "Hell I wouldn't be surprised if they were marching an entire platoon here right now."

A platoon's about thirty people...

"You're lying."

"No actually he's right." Everyone turned to see Cyan walking in the door with Sabin and Gau. "South Figaro has been occupied." "The only things separating the Empire from you is the desert and a cave."

There's also that whole kingdom in the middle of the desert.

"Who are you exactly?" Edgar says.

"The knight is Cyan Garamonde retainer to the late Lord Doma." Kenshin says. "That bastard Kefka poisoned Doma killing everyone."

Cyan glared downward. "Yes..." "He did." He snarled out.

"Gau!" "Gau!" Said boy spoke running up to Kenshin and hopping on his shoulders.

"Hey hey kid." Kenshin says smiling. "And this is Gau." "He's a kid we found in the Veldt."

"He's retarded." Kenshin whispered.

"That poison was because Doma chose to ally themselves with the Returners!" Kenshin snorts. "Please." "Doma may have allied themselves with us, but poison was never in the plans." "The guy that did it did so with no clearance." "Besides...whether or not you do ally with us your screwed anyway because you have Tritoch here."

Pretty sure Doma was a target because it was a target. Nothing to do with the Returners. I guess Draconis doesn't really understand a situation more politically complex than a fist fight.

"And they are coming!" Locke says walking into the door.

Kenshin points at Locke. "There!" "You pretty much don't have a choice old man." "But how did you hear of that?"

"Simple." "I told him." Kenshin looked past him and saw Celes. "!" "Celes what are you doing here? !"

You even throw quotation marks around non-verbal language. Jesus.

"I'm a deserter just like you." Celes says.

"Yeah Celes here was one of the generals." Locke says.

"Grr!" "I knew she looked familiar!" Cyan slashed his sword at her. His eyes widened seeing his sword cut into Kenshin's sword. "Nemesis!" "MOVE IT!"

Kenshin glared. "Did she not just say she was a deserter." "Besides she was stationed in South Figaro before she deserted." "She has nothing to do with your comrades and families' deaths."

She still burned down Miranda, which was Cyan's original complaint. Guess we're going to ignore that though, just like he ignored all the bad shit Kenshin apparently did to him directly.

Terra walked up to them. "Uhm..." "I was an imperial soldier as well."

"WHAT? !" Cyan shouts. Kenshin forced Cyan's blade to the ground snapping it in half. "CALM DOWN CYAN!"

Edgar sighs. "The Empire is evil Cyan-San, but not everyone in the Empire is evil." "Kenshin Terra and now Celes are perfect examples."

I wouldn't say Kenshin's a very good example.

Suddenly the door swung open. "Emergency!" "The Empire is coming!"

Everyone turned to the guard in shock.

Which is odd, because like seven people already said this was gonna happen.

Kenshin snapped his gaze back to the elder. "Alright old man what's it gonna be?"

The elder sighs. "It seems we are truly out of options." "Men!" "Prepare for War!"

These gonna be the same men that Kenshin bowled over in the first chapter? Oh yeah, remember when Kenshin killed half of the Narshe guard? I bet his cheeks are red right now.

Banon turns to the elder. "They are surely after the esper." The elder nods. "We moved it to the hills."

"Let's get to it then!" Edgar says.

The group walks out of the house and up the hills of Narshe. About halfway up Kenshin Celes and Terra stop. "Celes-San Kenshin-San." "If you don't mind me asking how
are you two able to use magic?"

"As a baby I was infused with magic and raised as a magitek knight." Celes answers.

"I've always been able to use magic." "Since I was born." Kenshin says.

Though I'm sure Draconis will eventually reveal Kenshin's background in very prolonged discourses on his past, I'm still curious as to which world he's supposed to be from. He references shit from our popular culture, but apparently has magic and cat ears and is a demon. I'm guessing some anime that takes place in a magical version of Japan, but that narrows things down by zero.

"OK." Terra says. "Uhm...have you been in love before Celes-San?"

"Huh?" Celes says confused. "Terra...do you think you're in love?"

Kenshin turned away from them. "What's this all the sudden?"

"I don't know." Terra says. "I'm really confused."

Well, this is a warzone, not college, so go experiment somewhere else, you fag.

"Well I'm sure when you figure it out the guy you're wanting will still be there." "Let's go."

Celes walks away leaving Kenshin and Terra alone. "Hey Terra." "Are you OK with this?" Kenshin asks turning to her.

Terra looked down. "I'm...I'm not sure why, but I think...now if I do this...I could find out more about myself."

The best way to find out about anyone is to put them in a position to kill. So, I approve this idea.

Kenshin smiled and walked up to her. "If that's what you want I'll support you Terra."

Terra for some reason unknown to her embraced Kenshin and said. "Please...don't leave me again." "I..was worried."

Kenshin blinks then returns her embrace. "Alright."

Good. Stay out of any future BroTrips.

The two break apart and make their way to the top of the hill. They and their comrades mentally preparing for the battle ahead.

The ultimate challenge: Sudoku!

(chapter end)

Draconis: Alright finally done.

Kenshin. Yup. And it took you almost a month.

Couldn't tell.

Draconis: Oh fuck you.

Terra: Draconis-San do you need healing? You seem tired.

Shitting out this large of a turd is bound to get exhausting at points.

Draconis: Nah.

Well...next time the War in Narshe. See you then.

Yeah right. I'll bet at least half of the chapter is just Kenshin fighting Kefka on his own. The spotlight can't get off of Kenshin for more than half a chapter at a time, and the view will never change.

Happy Valentine's Day!

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Post #11

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post Feb 21 2017, 06:05 PM
Like sands through an hourglass, these are the days of our lives...

Draconis: Well let's get started.

Kenshin: On what?

On your mom.

I worry I'm becoming what I hate.

Draconis: The fight in Narshe you dolt!

Kenshin: Oh hell! I forgot about that! I mean it's not like you update this often.

Draconis: Kenshin...do you want me to pair you in a yaoi threesome with Leo and Kefka?

It's already shameless enough that you put your MC into harems regularly, so why not just hook him up with the two coolest dudes in the game.

Kenshin: Ew no!

Pfft. Like you could do any better for yourself.


Final Fantasy VI: A Retold Tale.

Chapter 8

Battle for Tritoch.

A Draconis678 Production

Produced by Draconis678

Partnered with the Draconis678 Company

Draconis: Lets get it on!


The Returners group stood at a plateau in front of them was a collection of stalagmites that formed a maze of sorts.

"Everyone." Banon says. "We need to plan out a strategy."

Cyan turns to him along with everyone else. "What did you have in mind?"

"I was hoping one of you would have something." Banon says.

Well you've got three former generals, a girl known for killing fifty people in half an hour, and a king who probably has some military prowess.

I think we should ask Gau what he wants to do.

"Hm." "Hey Locke." Kenshin says.

"Yeah?" Locke says.

"Remember when you found Terra and I in the cave and those Moogles showed up?" Kenshin asks.

"Yeah?" "What about it?" Locke asks.

"Sorry for being a douchebag and calling you a thief over and over again." "Just kidding, fuck you, nerd."

"Notice the similarities?" Kenshin asks.

"Hey Yeah." "We got a platoon coming after us and this maze gives us an advantage." "Except this time the cute furry mascot characters won't be able to back us up." Locke says.

"What are you two talking about?" Edgar asks.

"Back when Kenshin and I met I found him and Terra collapsed and knocked out when the Narshe soldiers came looking for them." Locke says. "Then these Moogles showed up and helped us and split into three parties of four." "Now...admittingly we don't have enough for that kinda attack."

"But we can make three parties." "One to stay here and guard Banon and Tritoch." "And two others to rush after the enemy leader which is no doubt either Kefka or Leo."

"All the while dropping the soldiers along the way." Kenshin says.

Kenshin, of course, will be on the team that kills the most people and has the most attention given to it.

"I've got something we can add to that." Sabin says.

"I'm listening." Kenshin says.

"How bout like you said we make a party to stay here to guard Banon and the esper." Sabin says. "But instead of two parties rushing the leader." "Why not have one party play assault and distraction." "And the other takes the quick route to the leader."

Cool. So one party gets to do the grunt work of fighting most of the onslaught, and the other, Kenshin's I'm assuming, gets to do the hero work.

"Any opposed to the idea?" Cyan asks.

No one said anything. "Alright then." "For the guard party I propose the team of Gau and Locke." Cyan says.

"Gau!" "Gau!" "OK!" Gau says.

"Sounds alright." "I'll do it." Locke says.

That's dumb. Gau's a heavy physical hitter, so he'd be better on one of the assault teams. Furthermore, to quote our illustrious main character, Locke's a thief; dexterity and his steal ability are his main draws. He'd be better for a distraction team. For a guarding position, though, you'd want at least one tank, probably Sabin, Edgar or Celes, as they all have high defense and magic defense stats and have screen-clearing attacks.

Kenshin turns to the Narshe soldier who informed them of the oncoming attack. "Who did you say the leader was?"

"K-Kefka Palazzo of Vector." "Sir."

Kenshin nods. "I propose the assault/distraction team to be made up of Celes, Edgar and Sabin." "Leaving the leader to Cyan Terra and myself."

It's honestly not a bad set up, since Terra and Cyan have good magic and attack respectively. I'm sure Kenshin's good at everything, too.

Edgar nods. "You want to avenge your earlier defeat at his hands I take it?"

Kenshin turns away from them and jumps up on one of the stalagmites. "It's become a lot more personal than that Edgar." "I want to ensure that the bastard does not leave here alive."

I don't know why Kenshin's grudge for getting the shit beat out of him takes precedence over everyone else's beef with Kefka. Kefka killed Cyan's family and enslaved Terra, so those at least make sense, but Kefka also set fire to Edgar and Sabin's kingdom, lead a charge that killed Locke's girlfriend, and is implied in the original to have been fairly abusive to Celes. Kenshin got beat up after he instigated a fight when he could have retreated. The magnitudes clearly aren't there.

"Alright any opposed?" Banon asks.

Again no one speaks up. Kenshin squints his eyes. "Get into positions." "He's here."

As if on cue Kefka shows up at the other end of the plateau. "Oh ho ho? !" "It's the traitor siblings in the flesh!" "This is going to be fun!"

Let's hope so. Even Bardick was somewhat competent at writing large battle scenes.

Soldiers lined up behind Kefka. One stepped forward. "Kenshin and Celes!" "You are hereby under arrest!" "Lay down your weapons now!"

Kenshin smirks and takes out the blade to his broken sword. "You want my weapons? !" "Well here's one of them!" He lofts the blade high into the sky only for it to come back down striking the soldier through the heart killing him.

"Take that, Obama." Draconis sneers into his computer.

Kefka smirked and turned to the dead soldier casting a fire spell on his body incinerating him. "Alright men!" "Go get those vermin!"

Kenshin jumped down. "Hmph." "They aren't pulling any punches." "I spotted four magiteks and a beast rider."

That and an ENTIRE platoon. Truly the Empire spared no expense.

"Let's just get a move on." Celes says. "You take the left path we got the right."

"Right." "Terra Cyan let's move." Kenshin says taking off down the left path.

"Wait for me Nemesis!" Cyan shouts chasing after him.

"U-Um." Terra says.

Celes walks up to Terra and puts her hand on the green haired girl's shoulder. "It's going to be fine." "And to be honest I think your safer with Kenshin anyway."

She killed fifty people in under an hour. I doubt she needs protecting.

Which, wow, took eight chapters to finally make her a complete wallflower. GG.

"R-Right." "Th-Thank you Celes-San." Terra says running after Kenshin and Cyan.

Kenshin who had ran into soldiers pulled out his staff glaring. "Get ready you clown faced bastard." "Today is the day you die."

If he gets his ass kicked again, I am never going to stop laughing.

Meanwhile Celes Sabin and Edgar ran into troubles of their own as the path they chose was swarming with Vectorian soldiers. Edgar fired his crossbow killing several of them. "Hey Celes!" "What do you think has got Kenshin acting so serious?"

Celes slashed her blade into the chest of a soldier killing him while casting Ice on another. "Like I know!" "It could have something to do with his loss to Kefka."

"Whatever it is just get out of the way!" Sabin shouts interlocking his hands out in front of him with his arms stretched out. "Fire Dance!" Multiple red colored copies of Sabin shot out from behind him and began hitting and clawing at whatever they could.

Alright, sure, but how does Kenshin feel about that?

After it was over Edgar and Celes turned to him in slight shock. "Damn brother where did you pick that up?"

"It was like a mad assault of flame." Celes comments.

"It's one of my blitz moves." Sabin says walking forward. "Let's keep moving."

Locke and Gau notice a few stragglers. "Ha ha." "Kenshin your slacking up there!"

"It's a large attack force Locke!" Kenshin shouts back. "Of course we're gonna miss a few!"

"Hhhhuuuurrraahh!" One of the soldiers shout rushing up to Locke, apparently vomiting on the ground.

"Bring it!" Locke says. Suddenly Gau shot toward the soldier and mauled the man. "Wh-whoa." Locke says as Gau jumped off him and to the second soldier and then to the third.

"No one hurt friend of Gau!" Gau shouts stomping a soldier's chest crushing his ribs.

"Whoa whoa kid kid!" Locke says having already taken care of the other two soldiers.

Gau ignored him and jumped off of the soldier he was on and toward the ensuing battle. "Holy crap." Locke says as he tore into another squad beating them to death.

A squad's about 10 people. Maybe four or five make a platoon. How exactly was this invasion force supposed to be a threat?

Meanwhile Kenshin Cyan and Terra made it to the other end of the plateau where two armors and the beast rider awaited. "Alright the big three." Kenshin says.

"Ok the only way we're gonna take out these three is...by stabbing and magic, I'd assume" Cyan began talking with Kenshin and Terra not noticing Gau shooting over their heads.

"Gau!" "Gau hurt enemies of Papa!" He shouts tearing through the metal of the magitek with his bare hands.

"What is this kid? !" "I can't shake him!" The operator shouts as he is tossed toward Kefka.

Gau repeats his action with the second armored soldier and then jumps to the beast rider. "What the!" "Get him!"

The beast roared and ran toward Gau who stood his ground. The beast raised it's front legs to strike at Gau only for the boy to grab both it's legs and twist it's body to the left forcing it to the ground.

"Gau!" He furiously yells thrusting his hand into the creature's stomach killing it.

I could whine about it being Kenshin's "son" that got all the high spots, but fuck it. Kudos. That was actually an interesting development to read.

At this time Terra Cyan and Kenshin had made their plan and turned around to fight only to see this. "Whoa!" "S-Sir Gau!" Cyan shouts.

"Gau-San?" "Are you OK?" Terra asks.

Kenshin smirked. "Good job Gau!"

The rider of the beast took off toward Kefka only to get a sword in his stomach. "Where do you think you're going?" "The battle is not over."

So I'm pretty sure by this point all of the Empire people except Kefka are dead.

Gau grinned toward the three. "Gau is great!"

Well, SOMEONE's getting a bit big for their britches...

Kenshin's smirk turned into a look of worry seeing Kefka running toward him. "GAU LOOK OUT! !"

"Huh?" Gau says looking behind him only to get a dragon's fist to his face sending him flying toward Kenshin who caught him.

Oh yeah. I forgot Kefka had Kenshin's dragon powers.

So the end of this epic battle is that Kenshin will fight the dude with Kenshin's powers. Who will win?!!?

"Hm hm hm." Kefka laughs demurely. "Good help is so hard to find these days." "I might as well of marched these men's wives down here." "If you want something done right you need to do it yourself I suppose."

Kenshin scowled. "Terra Cyan." "One of you take Gau and get out of here."

"I'll get him somewhere safe and come back." Cyan says scooping the unconscious boy up in his arms.

That's the end of Cyan's involvement.

"Thanks." "Terra." "Until Cyan gets back it's you and me." "Are you ready?" Kenshin asks.

"Hai." Terra says.

Yes, hello.

"I'm with you Kenshin."

Cyan takes off and Kenshin and Terra ready their weapons. "Ho ho ho? !" "Can't handle me alone so you bring your sorceress girlfriend into the mix? !" Kefka
Santa Claus, apparently, says. "With your power at my beck and call I AM INVINCIBLE!"

Kenshin grit his teeth seeing the black scales and transformation of his body into that of a humanoid dragon. "Kefka." "I'm only going to say this one time." "Give up and release my father's soul back into the afterlife where it belongs."

Wait, what? Did I accidentally skip a chapter?

"HA HA HA!" ARE YOU MAD? !" Kefka shouts laughing insanely. "I REFUSE!"

Kenshin's lips twitched into a bloodthirsty grin. "I was hoping you'd say that."

"Kenshin-San?" Terra says looking at him in concern.

"Terra don't worry about me." "I'm fine." Kenshin says. "Let's go!"

Why should she worry? Kefka hasn't reamed your asshole with his dragon fists YET.

Kenshin and Terra rush off in two directions. Kefka looks toward the left and right deciding which he should hit. "Ha ha!" "Come Kenshin!" "You didn't actually think this was gonna work did you? !" Kefka says swinging his blade at the demon.

Kenshin ducked under the slash and slashed at his stomach as sparks lit up. Kefka raised his arm to block Terra's slash effortlessly. "Terra get back!" Kenshin shouts.

"H-Hai!" Terra says jumping backward a couple of times.

Yes, we've already said hello. The greetings are over now.

"You fool!" Kefka shouts. "You know better than anyone that no blade other than one made from these scales can cut me!" He says stabbing his sword past Kenshin's shoulder cutting him.

Kenshin's eyes widened as Kefka kicked his body away and backflipped landing into a kneel.

I suppose that's supposed to look cool and shit, but really, you just landed on your knee. Ouch.

Kefka smirked. "Had enough?"

Kenshin smirked back. "Nope." "How bout you?"

Kefka scowled in confusion until he felt blood trickling down his left leg.

Oh, this is going to be one of THOSE stories.

"What? !" "How did you cut me? !"

Kenshin held up his staff showing the bladed tip was covered in blood. "Your Greed of the Dragon God is weak in some spots." "You still haven't mastered it have you?"

"Or is it that my father won't let you have full control?" He says.

"Y-You!" "You bastard!" Kefka shouts. "Dammit!" "He's right!" "I can't stretch the scales all over my body like he could!"

"That look on your face makes me think I'm right Palazzo." Kenshin says.

He also just shouted it out loud. Because that Kefka, he's cray cray.

Kefka shakes off his worry and smirks again. "You might be right." "But that doesn't mean your going to win." He begins chanting a spell. "Freeze in hell Kenshin!" "ICE 2!"

"Freeze in hell," because it'll be a cold day in hell when anyone gets the best of him?

"Kenshin-San!" Terra shouts as ice begins collecting around Kenshin.

"Hmph!" Kenshin uncases his wings and wraps them around himself as the spell hits.

Kenshin rose slowly to his feet freezing. "D-Dammit." "T-Terra hit me with a fire spell!"

"Not likely!" Kefka says chasing after Terra as she chants the spell.

This is not the time for duck, duck, goose. Or maybe it is. What do I care?

Terra dodges and ducks under his attacks. "Hang on Kenshin-San it may take awhile."

Kenshin nods. "Don't worry about it then!" "I'll try and thaw myself!" "Just fight him off."

Terra swings her sword at Kefka hitting him on the shoulder. "Hm hm...too bad girl." "You chose poorly."

Terra jumps back and swings at his arm driving him back. "Gah!" "You bitch!" Kefka shouts batting her away.

That was quite the reversal in fortunes.

Kenshin's eyes widened as he finished the spell. "Dammit!" "Fire!" He winced as the spell hit him, but thawed out. "KEFKA! !" He shouts rushing toward him.

"Huh?" "Gah! !" Kefka shouts as Kenshin's hand tore into his stomach. "Damn! !"

Kenshin grabbed something inside of Kefka. "oWo What's this?"

"Talking to yourself before you inevitable death? !" "HA HA HA!" "You idiot! !" Kefka says stabbing his blade through Kenshin's chest tearing through his heart.

"! !" KENSHIN-SAN!" Terra screamed.

Don't worry, he'll be back up in a minute. Draconis' whole moronic subplot revolves around the fact that Kenshin can't die, even when he's killed.

Kefka smirks as he kicked Kenshin's body away from him watching it go limp on the ground. He faintly noticed a black orb receding into the demon boy's hand, but thought nothing of it.

Calling it. The black orb is a magical artifact from Kenshin's universe that resurrects people if they have enough fighting spirit, or whatever Japanese shit he wants to pull.

(cough!) (cough!) Blood shot out of Kenshin's mouth

Kefka smirks and hold his hand out as a large orb of darkness spawned to life. "I don't know how you survived our last encounter, but this time you won't come back! !"

I can't even be happy that he got a can of whoop-ass opened on him again, because there's no way he's dying, and this is just Draconis being a tease.

"Nemesis!" Cyan shouts diving toward Kefka cutting into his arm forcing his attack to cancel. Cyan ducks under Kefka's oncoming strike and drives the butt of his katana into Kefka's stomach before driving both hands into the transformed jester's stomach forcing him backward. "Miss Terra." "I don't know what happened to Kenshin, but go heal him quick!"

On the plus side, other characters get to be prominent for a few paragraphs.

Kefka held his arm over his stomach and smirked. "Good luck." "This blade of mine is dipped in a special poison that prevents healing." "Kenshin's as good as dead now that the poison is in his bloodstream."

Also I'm pretty sure being stabbed through the heart is a fatal wound.

Cyan glares. "Nemesis had something personal against you." "So to do I!" "I will fell you in the name of Doma! !"

"You killed my family, but KENSHIN had a grudge over getting trounced in fisticuffs, and THAT's what's important."

Kefka holds his hand up palm facing the sky and bends his fingers a couple of times. "Bring it."

Cyan rushed forward holding his katana at the ready and zipped by his strike and landed one across Kefka's stomach.

"Damn you!" Kefka shouts stabbing his blade toward the knight only for Cyan to zip toward his left side and land another well placed strike under his arm. Kefka quickly becoming annoyed swung his arm at him as Cyan rushed behind him and carved a diagonal slash into his back.

Kefka's annoyance gave way to a visible frustration as he turned punching straight at the knight's face. Cyan huffed and jumped over Kefka entirely and sliced another gash into his shoulder. "Quadra SlamCity DJs! !"

Kekfa rushed toward Cyan trading blows with him neither one connected a single blow. "How are you able to cut me when he could not? !" Kefka shouts.

Cyan smirks. "Because in all our fights I managed to gather enough of Nemesis' scales when he transformed to forge a sword able cut him!" "You now face the Dragon Cutter!"

...That's actually pretty badass.

Kefka glared. "If he has that blade then I need to end this quickly!"

Meanwhile Terra was healing Kenshin who gave no response. "Kenshin-San." "Get up." "Come on get up!"

Tears splashed against Kenshin's cheeks. "You...You promised to be by my side." "Y-You can't do that if you leave now."

..and then there's this asshole over here. Terra, despite being one of the more formidable members of the party due to her magic, is stuck pining over Kenshin's corpse in generic anime fashion. Not to mention, she seems to be forgetting that she has curative magic...

Kefka smirks kicking Cyan in the stomach driving him backward. "This was fun while it lasted knight of Doma." "You certainly gave me more of a workout than Kenshin did."

Cyan glares. "You aren't finished with me yet jester!" "Dispatch!"

Kefka closes his eyes and catches Cyan's sword effortlessly. "Haa..." "Too bad." "While your Dragon Cutter can cut dragon skin it can't slice through human skin can it?"

Cyan's eyes widen. "Wh-What? !" True to his word Kefka's hand had turned back into his normal human hand again.

Oh, that is the stupidest damn thing. What good is a sword that can't cut people in this world? Was he expecting to have to fight Kenshin, or did he somehow know about Kefka having Kenshin's powers? Bullshit. You were on a roll for a minute, too.

"Oh?" "Did Kenshin not tell you that?" "Only the blade bequeathed to him by the God of Dragons himself can cut through both." Kefka asks. "WELL THAT'S TOO BAD THEN ISN'T IT? !" Kefka shouts throwing Cyan's body into a wall forcing him to let go of his blade.

The whole concept of cutting dragon's skin but not humans is retarded to begin with. A dragon's skin is supposed to be made of really tough shit in fantasy works. Why couldn't a blade that can cut dragon's skin cut much softer human's skin? Absolutely stupid.

Cyan staggered to his feet and turned to look at Kenshin who still had not moved. "Nemesis...are you truly dying?"

No. Come on. We all know better.

"At attention Garamonde! !" Kefka shouts clotheslining him. He smirks picking up Cyan by his armor and punching him hard in the stomach. "Ooo...that must be especially painful with all this armor on."

Or less so, considering that's what armor's for.

"Cyan-San!" Sabin shouts rushing toward Kefka who smirked and threw Cyan into him knocking them both to the ground.

"You bodybuilders should just stay in the gym!" Kefka says as the dark orb from earlier flared to life.

No one likes a bodyshamer, Kefka.

"Sabin! !" Edgar shouts firing a volley of arrows at Kefka who canceled his attack and crossed his arms in front of his body.

"You all don't know when to give up do you? !" Kefka shouts grabbing an arrow and throwing it back at Edgar making it pierce through his shoulder.

Edgar should've used magical dragon scale tipped arrows, that way they couldn't have cut him.

"Gah!" Edgar shouts falling to the ground clutching his shoulder.

Kefka stomped a path toward the fallen king. "Long live the foolish king."

Sad day when the guy writing a supposedly badass Final Fantasy fic can only think to rip off Disney movies to make a character menacing.

"Not so fast!" Locke shouts driving his shoulder into Kefka's stomach. "Celes now!"

"Right!" "ICE!" Celes shouts as the spell hit Kefka.

Kefka however broke the ice off with little effort and grabbed Locke bashing his skull into the thief's own knocking him out cold. "Locke-San!" Celes shouts rushing Kefka her blade at the ready.

"I'd worry more about yourself." Kefka says stopping her slash and driving her head into the rock wall. She fell to the ground limply. Kefka turned to the only person left.

"Hu hu hu." "Your next my little half esper whore."

Hmmm, the half-esper thing's not supposed to be known yet.

Also, rude.

Terra's face became one of fear as Kefka slowly walked up to her. "! !" "KENSHIN!" "SAVE US PLEASE! !"

So Kenshin got in a few good shots. Cyan had a pretty good showing. Terra's being treated as a useless damsel right now, so she doesn't count. The other five though couldn't even get a word out before getting pummeled by Kefka.

All the time this was going on Kenshin could see nothing but a window to the carnage going on outside and a void of darkness. "They're being beaten." "He's just toying with them." "They're going to die."

You should activate your friendship power to come back from the dead and save them. Come on, go ahead and get it over with.

"And what are you going to do about it...Son?" Kenshin turned to see a man with short crimson hair deep blue eyes with slits for pupils wearing a white t-shirt and black jeans. Draped across his shoulders was a black trenchcoat.

Aside from the white t-shirt, that could literally be Bardicknowledge. It could also literally be Kenshin. What is originality?

"What do you mean?" "I can't move...I'm dying." Kenshin says.


"What are you even doing here Dad?"

"I came from the afterlife looking for you." "Because I saw the panic amongst your friends back home."

Kenshin sighed. "I thought I'd be the last person you'd want to see."

Yeah, didn't he kill you or something? I vaguely remember him being betrayed into killing you being a thing.

Kenshin's father walked up to him and embraced him. "Kenshin." "Stop beating yourself up over it." "You know what you needed to do and I was on my way to the afterlife as it was."

Kenshin turns back toward the window and his eyes widen as he sees Terra crying. "She's crying..." "Dammit!"

Kenshin's father noticed her and smiled. "Off topic though it maybe she's very pretty." "Are you going to let that clown do away with her?" "Or do her?" "I thought you swore to yourself to protect her." "Because in some way shape or form...you fell in love with her."

Kenshin scowled. "You're right..." "Come on!" "Get up!" "She's screaming for you to come save them!"

Kenshin's father set his hand on Kenshin's shoulder. "Take my power." "You've mastered Ryuujin's Avarice." "You must live...to help right the wrongs in this world." "So you need to use these powers just this one time."

I thought Kefka had Kenshin's dad's powers? Isn't that where his dragon god stuff comes from?

Kenshin nods and begins disappearing. "Thank you...Ryuushin Kuroshi...my father."

What an awkward disappearance.

Ryuushin smiles as Kenshin vanishes and turns toward Tritoch who had been watching. "Was that wise?" "I put those restrictions on him because the Warring Triad wanted them on him...because of his abuse of his own powers." Tritoch says.

So Tritoch took away Kenshin's powers because the gods hated how ubercool and powerful he was with them?

Goddamn, Draconis, quit sucking fictional dick already.

"Dare I ask why?" Ryuushin says. "Kenshin had been training in this world's powers and was not using them because he was not sure he was proficient yet." "All you did was hinder him esper."

"It was out of my hands." "It was what the Triad wanted." "They are the deities whom rule over this world." Tritoch says.

Ryuushin sighs. "Whatever."

My thoughts exactly.



That's where Draconis never goes!

Kenshin's eyes snapped wide open forcing himself upright. Kefka stared in shock. "You've got to be kidding!" "You're still alive? ! !"

"Kenshin?" Terra says. She noticed the wound on his chest was healed.

"Terra." Kenshin says holding his hand out. A large wind gust blew everyone barring Kefka toward him stopping at his feet. "Make sure they get healed." "The technique Kefka's using packs a large punch."

"O-OK." Terra says. "What about you?"

"I'm going to finish Kefka by myself." Kenshin says stepping over Edgar's body.

That line pretty well describes this entire fic.

"HA HA HA HA!" "YOU FINISH ME? !" "THAT IS RICH! !" Kefka laughs insanely. "NOW DIE!" Kefka shouts stabbing his blade back at Kenshin's heart while he did nothing to avoid it other than mutter something.

Kefka felt contact and smirked...that is until he got a good look at what he hit. "! !" "No!"

Did he hit a delicious coconut cream pie? That would be just the worst.

Kefka's sword had hit a patch of red scales that spread across Kenshin's entire body transforming his arms and legs and sprouting horns atop his head. Two tails swished back and forth behind him as his wings flapped lazily. Kenshin opened his eyes to reveal the whites had been dyed black and his pupil was a single slit which was gray in color. Kenshin reeled his fist back punching Kefka directly in the face sending him flying backward.

Bardick only got one tail, so I guess this is an improved form.

"You should never use this technique Palazzo Kefka." Kenshin's says his eyes narrowing into a glare. "You are not a member of the Kuroshi clan." "My family."

Not technically, no, but there's been at least two points in this story where he's laid you out and made you call him 'daddy.'

Kefka cursed and dove into the maze. Kenshin huffed and took out a slip of paper and tossed it over the area where Banon was. "Divine barrier charm!"

A dome covered the area where Banon stood. Kenshin strode past Terra. "K-Kenshin-San?"

"Terra." "It's still me." Kenshin says smiling down at her. "I'll be back OK?"

Quit rubbing it in.

"Ok." Terra says.

"And for cripes sake call me Kenshin." Kenshin says walking into the maze.

Wow. Finally we have some common ground.

Kefka saw him activate the barrier and curses. "Dammit." "There goes that plan." "I was not expecting him to get his power back..." Kefka then remembered what he saw in Kenshin's hand after he stabbed him. "! !" "That orb." "THAT ORB WAS HIS FATHER'S SOUL! !" Kefka thought "WH-WHICH MEANS!"

I-IT MEANS! That Draconis is a dipshit. Kefka kept using his father's powers after Kenshin ripped the orb out of his stomach, hence why he was able to beat the shit out of everyone else. As far as I as a reader can tell, he never stopped doing the dracon scale thing.

Kefka's eyes widen in fear as his body reverts back into it's original state.

There you go. Why did that take so long to undo considering the orb had been out of his body for a while?

"Come on out Kefka!" "Or else I'll melt your organs!"

Kefka retreated deeper into the maze. "This is bad!" "As I am now with him having access to his powers I don't stand a chance!" "I need to make myself look like someone he wouldn't dare burn!"

Turn into him. He'd never hurt himself.

Soon Kenshin came to the area Kefka was around in and walked slowly around a glare on his face. "Kenshin."

Kenshin turns toward the source of the voice ready to fire an attack when he noticed who it was. "Son."

"!" Kenshin stopped for the moment. Ryuushin rushed Kenshin. "You fool!" "You wouldn't incinerate your father!"

Apparently he already did. So...you know. Bad planning there.

Kenshin's glare deepens as a crimson orb appeared in his hand and fired at him. "Evil Dragon Sphere!" He shouts.


"My father is dead." Kenshin snarls. "That's a fact." "So if your going to trash his image in front of me." "THEN YOU MUST LOVE PAIN! !" "NNRRAAH!" Kenshin shouts firing another orb at Kefka.

Kefka should have known his father was dead too, considering that's who he got his powers from.


Also, how did Kefka get his dad's powers?

Kefka pants heavily stabbing his blade into the ground holding himself up. "D-Damn you!" "Your day will come Kenshin count on it!" Kefka threw a dozen smoke balls on the ground as the area filled with smoke. Kenshin looked around as Kefka retreated. "YOU COWARD! !" Kenshin shouts.

Kenshin sighs finding it pointless to give chase and cancels his transformation walking back toward Terra.

What a 180 from earlier in the chapter where he just knew he had to kill Kefka, even if it meant being whipped like a government mule. I'd call it character development, but I'm sure it's short lived.

Terra gasps turning toward him then sighs in relief. "Where's Kefka?"

"Retreated." Kenshin says. He turns and sees Celes helping with the healing. "Are you OK?"

"Yeah." Celes says. "Other than a splitting headache."

"Well in any case I made sure I'm the only one who can use the Greed of the Dragon God." Kenshin says.

I'm sure that was the question on everyone's mind.

Celes sighs. "That's a relief.

I guess it makes sense that Celes knows what that is since they worked together. Everyone else though? Oh well.

Cyan coughs and sits up. "Argh."

"Take it easy." Kenshin says. "Kefka gave you the worst beating."

Sorry, I'm not gonna allow you to use the fact that Cyan took his beating like a man to distract the people from the fact that Kenshin continued an 3-1 deficit against Kefka's battering him like a disobedient housewife in the NBA Finals.

"Nemesis?" Cyan says. "You're alive?"

"Yep." "You did good against Kefka." Kenshin says. "Thanks for protecting Terra for me."

"Not a problem." Cyan says holding his hand out. Kenshin grabbed his hand and pulled him to his feet. Slowly everyone started to stand up and turned to Kenshin. "What?"

I dunno. It's your story, you tell me.

"Your alive? !" "Papa!"

Kenshin grins catching Gau. "Hey." "That was insane what you did." "Thanks for clearing the way."

"Uh huh!" Gau says.

Honestly it's a wonder that the whole defense team managed with just Locke. Granted, it's that way because Draconis doesn't give a shit about anyone but Kenshin, but as someone who played the game it's pretty incredible.

"What about Kefka Kenshin?" Edgar asks.

"Forced him to retreat." Kenshin smirks. "The day is ours."

Terra got to her feet only to almost fall back down. Kenshin caught her. "You OK?"

"I'm tired." Terra says.

From what? Standing on the sidelines being a useless waif while Kefka took off his belt and flogged everyone else (but especially Kenshin)?

Kenshin smiles. "Well you did good." "Here." "I'll carry you." He kneels slightly as Terra falls forward onto him.

"Arigatou." Terra says.


"Alright everyone back to Banon." Kenshin says making a handsign. The barrier over him shatters.


A little later.


Everyone had gathered around Tritoch at the top of the hill. "Is this it?"

"Hai." Terra says.

Terra, the chapter's in it's final stretch, we know you're there.

Kenshin nods. "This is Tritoch the multi-colored dragon esper."

Couldn't come up with a decent nickname, eh Draconis?

"Is it seriously still alive?" Cyan says.

"But that would be impossible." "Right?" Sabin asks.

Before Kenshin could answer he noticed Terra step back. "Terra?" He asks.

Edgar, Sabin and Locke gathered around her. "What's wrong? !"

Tritoch begin emitting a low hum and an invisible force knocked Locke out of the way.

Of course.

Kenshin's eyes widen as a look a extreme fear crosses Terra's face. "Terra what is it? !" "Tell me what's wrong!"

An even stronger force knocks everyone away save for Kenshin of course as Terra walked up to him.

"What is it?" Kenshin says staring at her concerned.

"H-Help me." "Save me Kenshin." "I...I don't know what's happening...!" She raised her hand and smacked Kenshin out of the way as she made her way toward the esper.


"TRITOCH! !" "WHAT'S HAPPENING? ! !" Kenshin thought.

"Her memories are rushing back to her...and her esper nature is bursting fourth." Tritoch says.

Unfortunately, for busting fourth, her esper nature only receives an Aerosmith t-shirt.

Kenshin's eyes widen as Terra reached Tritoch. "What's happening? !" "What's happening to me? !" "Why am I remembering all this? !" "What am I feeling? !"

Terra and Tritoch glow in synchronization. "Huh?" "Wh...What's going on?" "Tell me! !" "Who am I really? !" "WHO? ! !"

Jackie Chan?

"TERRA! !" Kenshin shouts.

The glowing continues as everyone excluding Kenshin began to feel a new sensation. "The...esper...I can actually feel it's mind." Celes says.


"Terra!" "Get away from the esper!" Edgar shouts.

Kenshin got to his feet as a stronger connection pulsed to life between Terra and Tritoch as a blue aura surrounded the two.

Suddenly Terra's hair fell down past her waist as a pinkish fur covered her entire body.


She turned to Kenshin who was staring at her in a silent shock. She looked down at her hands and began shaking looking up at the ice encompassing Tritoch for a reflection. She gasps seeing the fur and her now red eyes. "Ah..." "AHHHHHH! ! ! !"

Nope, just more comedy.

Terra began levitating and took off. Kenshin's eyes widen as his wings uncased unconsciously and takes off after her. "Kenshin!" "Terra! !" Edgar shouts.

"Dammit!" "Why is she reacting like this?" Kenshin thought.

"Because she never knew what she really was." "It's all quite new for her and she doesn't know how to handle it." "You need to catch up to her quickly."

"She needs you Kenshin." "Get to her quickly." Ryuushin says.

Oh, so now his dad can Jedi mind trick with him too? Whatever.

"I'm trying!" "She's so fast!"

He suddenly notices her stop and look around. "Nows my chance!" Kenshin says flying up in front of her.

"! !" "K-Kenshin-San get away!" "I remember everything!" Terra shouts. "I-I-I'll just kill you too!"

Not for very long you won't.

"I-I don't want to lose you!"

Kenshin embraced her tightly. Terra began thrashing around trying to get free. "Terra calm down!" "You're just really scared!" "I'm here for you!"

"Let me go!" "You'll die if your around me! !" Terra screams.

"No I won't!" "Terra I promise you I'm not going to die!" Kenshin says.

I said quit rubbing it in, you gaylord!

Terra stops moving only crying into Kenshin's shoulder. "K-Kenshin!" "I'm a monster!" "Look at me!"

Kenshin pull away from her and tips her chin up. "Terra." "You're not a monster." "What you did is in the past." "Just...relax."

FYI, "it's in the past" is not a viable defense in a court of law.

(sniff) (sob) "Kenshin..." "I-I-I'm so scared." "What am I?" "Who am I?" "What-am-I-fighting-fooooooooooooooooooooooooor?" Terra says.
Kenshin wipes her eyes. "You're Terra Branford." "That's who you are." "As for what you are." "Well one of the things you are is..." Kenshin smiles warmly at her. "The girl I love."

Terra's brow furrowed in confusion. "Love?" "Kenshin...what is..?" "Mmmph? !"

Kenshin silenced her by pressing their lips together. Terra not knowing what to do remained motionless. Kenshin pulled away. "I'll explain later." "OK?"

Haha, Kenshin likes a girl. Fag!

No, but seriously, I'm looking forward to never having to read that joke ever again.

"OK." Terra says. She felt a large wave of exhaustion wash over her and leaned into Kenshin.

"Everything alright?" Kenshin asks.

"I'm...really tired now." "I wanna go to sleep." Terra says.

That's all you ever do. You'd be so worthless if the author didn't want to boink you.

"OK." Kenshin sweeps her up into his arms. "Just drift off to sleep."

"Good night...Kenshin..." Terra says. Kenshin smiles as she drifts off into a peaceful slumber. He looks down and sees a town covered by an ongoing rainstorm. He flies down and lands on the stairwell to the tallest building and walks inside. He finds a large room with a single bed and a chair. Laying Terra down in the bed he sits in the chair and sighs.

Conveniently skipping over the part where Terra destroys part of Kohlingen, I see.

"Sorry guys." "But Terra needs me here right now." Kenshin says.

Wait...might we actually get a respite from Kenshin for more than a chapter?

"Kenshin set your hand on her forehead." "We better explain to her what you promised to." Ryuushin says. "And explain to her what love is."

"Got it." Kenshin says doing as his father asks.

Terra turns to see Kenshin and someone she did not recognize in her mind. "Kenshin?" "Who is this?"

"This is my Dad." Kenshin says. "He had to drive me here because I'm not allowed to use the car until my grades improve."

"Hello." Ryuushin says. "Ryuushin Kuroshi." "Pleased to meet you."

"U-Um likewise." Terra says. "H-How...?"

"Remember when I told you I would tell you about my past?" Kenshin asks.

"Y-Yes." Terra says.

"Well would you like to know now?" Kenshin asks.

"Ok." Terra says.

(sigh) "Well it all began when..." Kenshin says.

Alright, well. I knew his tragic backstory had to happen at some point. Let's get it over with next chapter so we can focus on not-Kenshin thereafter.

...$10 says the scene with Rachel's house is skipped.

(Chapter end)

Kenshin: Ha ha! 1-1 you clown bastard!

Please. 1-3 is being generous.

Kefka: Just you wait!

Draconis: Well not a lot to say other than next time we go over Kenshin's past and the party journeys to find Kenshin and Terra.

Cool. This should answer a lot of questions that nobody asked.

Draconis(again): When I had Gau beating the hell out of everything I was referencing that he can sometimes go berserk when he uses his Rages.

So, basically any time he uses his rages.

I bet you don't even have him use Cat Scratch, you pleb.

Draconis678 out.

Ryuushin sighs. "Whatever."

Gonna get a lot of mileage out of this, I can tell.

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Post #12

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post Mar 10 2017, 05:12 PM
One's company too~!

Draconis: Alright now then after a long delay due to unforeseeable circumstances. I'm back with the next chapter of A Retold Tale...now then...where'd I leave off?

What, you don't remember? Kefka starting chanting satanic curses and racial swears, but apparently all that did was summon Brock Lesnar, who then ate Kefka, pulled out his dick, and killed Kenshin with it. It was great.

Edgar: The battle in Narshe was settled.

Celes: And Terra underwent a transformation.

Sabin: Kenshin chased after her.

Ryuushin: And he comforted her before confessing that he loved her.

Nah, none of that happened. You're wrong and kiss boys for fun.

Draconis: Ah yeah and Kenshin told Terra he'd explain himself. I get it now.

Final Fantasy VI A Retold Tale.

Chapter 9

Kenshin's Past.

Draconis: Well let's go.


That was probably the least energetic introduction yet. I'm not complaining, in fact I sympathize. Reading through this crap kills the spirit, so I can only imagine what writing all of it does.

"Well...actually I should probably start by telling you something else." Kenshin says.

"What is it Kenshin-San?" Terra asks.

"I told you to call me Kenshin dammit." Kenshin snapped weakly, flailing his arms above his head. "Anyway my father and I." "Are not originally from this world."

Terra was surprised at this declaration. "What?" "Not from this world?" "What do you mean?"

Wait, was that not covered already? I can't remember him specifically mentioning it to her, but it'd be surprising if the rest of the cast seems to have known and not the chick he wants to nail.

Goddamnit, if I read past chapters and I find something that contradicts this, I am going to be so peeved off.

Kenshin sighs and snaps his fingers. The area around them suddenly shifts into a lush plain with a few trees scattered across it. Terra looked around. "Wow...it's so serene looking here."

Someone walked in between Kenshin and Terra. She squinted at the figure until it turned it's head in her general direction. Her eyes widened and looked over at Kenshin.

"H...He looks exactly..."

"Like me?" Kenshin asks. Terra nods.

"Well he should." "These are my memories after all." Kenshin says.

"Then why is he a foot taller with a huge wang?"

"Memory is subjective, shut up."

Terra turned back to the past Kenshin who sighed hopping into a tree. "Why was I brought back?" He questioned to no one.

Terra looked over at the Kenshin she knew a questioning look on her face. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"Before this point in time I was pretty sure I was dead." Kenshin says. Terra gasps. "Y-You?" Kenshin nods. "Yeah."

"Where is this?" Terra asked.

"This area is part of the world I came from." Kenshin replied. "It's called Mundus Magicus."

Alright, Mundus Magicus. Finally got a place name here. Now we can finally find out what other property Draconis is masturbating...



Oh no...

Oh goddamnit.

It's worse than I imagined. Kenshin's from...Negima.

"I...don't follow." Terra says.

"Heh heh." "We'd be surprised if you did." Ryuushin said.

"Anyway shortly after I hopped in the tree I fell asleep sulking." "The next thing I knew I woke up surrounded by Vectorians " Kenshin says.

So wait, now I don't follow. Kenshin was a Negima (which is going to take a bit to sink in) and then died, and then wasn't dead, and then teleported to the Phantom Forest, supposedly because he actually died.


"Wait...I recall something about the day you were quartered." Terra says.

Kenshin and Ryuushin's curiosity was piqued. "Yes?" They both said.

"Around your body a white tigress and a large black scaled dragon watched over you." "No one could get near you until a man garbed in green appeased them saying he meant no harm." Terra says.

That's stupid, but even stupider is that she still didn't know you were from another world.

Is Terra supposed to be retarded?

Kenshin smiled nodding. "I see."

"You said you knew what it felt like to be used to me in Figaro." "What did you mean by that?" Terra asks.

He got used to you in Figaro and it felt good, apparently? That sentence is awkward.

Kenshin sighs. "The world I lived in was one constantly caught in some sort of strife." "Before I came here my friends managed the end the cause of it all." "A man named Hottan." "I played a hand in his eventual downfall, but I had to do something I regret to this day...to make it happen."

In the butt?

Ryuushin walked up to him and set his hand on Kenshin's shoulder. "Son...it's OK."

Kenshin nods a solemn look on his face. "Yeah."

Terra wasn't sure why but her heart thumped painfully as she looked at him. "Why does my chest hurt seeing him look that way?"

"What is it?" Terra asks.

Kenshin closed his eyes and pointed at Ryuushin. "In order...to gain Hottan's trust...to be used by him so I'd have the opportunity to investigate his weaknesses...I killed this man."

Oh...so, in other words, you killed your father of your own volition in order to cozy up to the guy you wanted to take down. Where exactly are you being used in this context, because it seems like everything you did was your own choice?

Terra again wasn't sure why when she gasped and her voice quivered. "W-What?" "But...Ryuushin-San is your father...is..is he not?"

Kenshin nods. "Yeah."

"Y..You must be lying." Terra says.

Because it is so unbelievable that Kenshin would kill someone. Such a gentle beast, that Kenshin. Totally not absorbed into his own ego.

The scenery around them shifted to a Japanese style home where Ryuushin and Hikari were sitting with neutral gazes on their faces.

As all Japanese people do.

Kenshin appeared behind them.

"So..." Ryuushin says. "You've decided to go through with it after all...Kenshin."

"Mom...Dad...I." Kenshin says.

"It's OK Kenshin." Hikari says. "We understand."

Jeez. With this it's no wonder why Kenshin is the way that he is. People in his world just accept that killing and murder is an inevitability. It's like the vendetta in Italy, except people are just cool with it.

Focus went to Kenshin's face as he closed his eyes a lone tear trail seeping from his right eye while unshed tears welled up in his left eye. "Understood."

"Hikari." "Leave us." Ryuushin says.

"Hai." Hikari says walking out of the room.

No, "bye." You said the opposite thing you were supposed to. What a silly neener.

"Just promise me one thing." Ryuushin says.

"..." Kenshin remained silent for a few moments. He sensed someone coming.

"Take care of your mother, and your sisters Yukari and Miyuki." Ryuushin says.

Well he fucked that up, considering where he is.

"Understood." Kenshin says his body and voice quivering more tears falling from his eyes.

"Do not fear." Ryuushin says. "This is your path to choose is it not?" "My pain will end here...but it is nothing compared to what you will face." He closes his eyes a solemn smile on his face. "Even though our views on this differ...I am proud of you my son." "You truly are...

Kenshin took his shaking blade and stabbed it through Ryuushin's heart. "A gentle child." Ryuushin finished. Focus directed to Kenshin's face. His teeth gritted against each other in anguish tears pouring from his eyes. Ryuushin's body went limp as he fell forward hitting the floor with a dull thud.

So remember how Terra was literally robbed of her will and used to kill people? Draconis seems not to, or at least doesn't understand the nuance between literally having no agency and having to make a decision. Everything Kenshin's brought up so far, from killing his father, to spending THREE YEARS in the imperial army faffing about, to killing innocent people, has been his choice. And Draconis is so oblivious to this, that he had the main character's father drive the point home:

"Do not fear." Ryuushin says. "This is your path to choose is it not?"

The scene froze and melted away. Terra stared at Kenshin a face akin to shock. "Y...You aren't lying."

"No." Kenshin says looking off to the side. "From there he had me nearly destroy my bonds with my two sisters whom I loved dearly." "A few times I contemplated giving up, but I thought what would my father's death have meant if I did that?" "So then I resolved...to challenge those sisters of mine to a fight...and then let them kill me."

"Th-They didn't did they?" Terra says.

Kenshin shakes his head. "I had a heart condition that killed me then and there." "Before I died...I told them everything I could...and said I will always love them."

And I'm guessing this miraculous ass-pull heart condition will never affect anything in this story.

Ryuushin smiled at his son. "Nice going Kenshin."

Kenshin turned to Ryuushin smiling. "Thanks...I...just couldn't rest unless they knew." "Is there anything else you would like to know Terra?" He asks turning back to her.
Terra shakes her head. "To even consider doing what you did." "Must mean you've led a difficult life."

More than half of the cast of FFVI were orphaned or exploited for political and military means. Kenshin was part of the magical mafia and killed his dad. Draconis sucks dick.

Kenshin chuckles grimly. "Heh." "Guess you could say that."

"Now Kenshin." "I believe we should get on to the second reason we're here." Ryuushin says.

"Not yet."

First more pity for poor Kenshin.

Kenshin Ryuushin and Terra turned and the third began shaking at the sight of Tritoch. Kenshin walked in front of her shielding her. "What do you want?"

"I merely wanted to tell Terra about what she is." Tritoch says.

Terra's head snapped up. "Huh? !" "You mean you actually do know? !"

"Yes." "You are a half-breed." "Born between one of the human race and an esper named Maduin."

Ryuushin narrowed his eyes. Tritoch's sight landed on him. "What is it?"

"Don't use that term." "I've had friends that were known as half-breeds." "It's not a flattering label, you faggot." Ryuushin says.

"Very well." "What I mean to say was that you are a human born of a human mother and an esper father." Tritoch says.

Terra nods slowly. "O...OK...did you know my father?" She asks stepping up next to Kenshin.

"I did." "He was my apprentice." Tritoch says. "I would tell you more Terra, but I am afraid I was one of the espers that was in this world the day the Esper World was sealed off."

Draconis will probably reexplain everything in a few chapters when the actual game decided to, but just in case he decides to alienate non-players again: Espers are like demigods with magical powers. They all lived in another world, but the Empire invaded, so they sealed themselves off. Terra's half esper. Tritoch is literally just an esper that was frozen on a mountain, but Draconis needs to expand his role to justify all of the bullshit with him and Kenshin.

Kenshin narrowed his eyes, but didn't say anything.

Terra nods. "It's...fine." "You answered the question I wanted an answer to."

"Seek out some of the other espers that the Empire hasn't caught yet." Ryuushin says. "One of them's bound to know something about Maduin."

"Thank you Ryuushin-San." "I will." Terra says.

Tritoch turns and makes his way back to where he came from

The back of the bus?

when he stopped. "Kenshin."

"What?" Kenshin says.

"Now that you've had time to accustom yourself to this world." "I will now tell you why you were brought here." Kenshin's body went rigid at the esper's words.

He was brought here because some douchebag teenager with a hard-on for Three Days Grace and Negima decided FFVI would be better if he basically completely rewrote everything.

"Are you sure you should so soon?" "Nothing's been fixed yet." Ryuushin says.

Just do it and get all of the DEEP KENSHIN LORE out of the way so we can go back to...more Kenshin. Lovely.

"Now that I've brought it up." "He's not going to let me go without an explanation." Tritoch says.

"Shut up and tell me." Kenshin says.

"Say nothing, but also explain everything."

"Very well." "I assume you know of the Warring Triad?" Tritoch asks.

Kenshin narrowed his eyes further. "Yes I do." "But what do they have to do with this?"

"Everything." Tritoch says. "They are the ones who opened the portal underneath you and sucked you in here." "They are the ones who are preventing you from going to your world so you can settle accounts with your friends and family there."

Kenshin glared. "I'm not sure whether I should be pissed off or thankful."

I mean, you'd be dead otherwise. Just call it a win and not be a douche?

"I understand your indignation if you feel that way." "They neither warned you or requested your assistance." Tritoch says.

They USED him!!!!!

"But just what are they?" Kenshin asks. "I've heard of them so thats how I know of them." "But that's about it."

"They are the deities that rule over this world and govern magical energies." Tritoch says. "Without them magic cannot exist and espers whom are beings of magic wouldn't either."

I guess we can throw all of the actual lore and world building in here too. Why not?

Kenshin nodded. "So...tell me." "Why me?" "I'm not cursing their decision because some good came out of it." "But I'm curious."

"I apologize Kenshin." "Not even I know why they chose you." Tritoch says.

They needed a Mary Sue because the story of a varied cast of royals and outcasts rising up to overthrow the ultimate evil was too interesting on it's own.

"Tch." "Fucking figures." Kenshin says.

"If that is all I will take my leave." "But Kenshin." "If you desire to go back to your home." "I can arrange it." "However I cannot bring you back." Tritoch says.

Kenshin shook his head. "Not right now." "I promised Terra I'd help her." "That's what I'm going to do."

"Tch." "Fucking figures." Truth says.

If Tritoch was pleased with his resolve he didn't show it. "Very well."

Tritoch left them and Terra turned to Kenshin. "A-Are you sure you don't want to go back?" "I...I'm sure your family and friends miss you."

Isn't he dead on that side? Or do the rules of life and death not apply in any form for Kenshin?

"Well...I already talked to my mother." "She's letting them know that I can't leave knowing this world's in conflict." "That and I told you I loved you remember?"

"You talked to Hikari?" Ryuushin asked his skin paling.

"Don't worry Dad she's still alive." Kenshin says. "She somehow was able to make it here and was able to go back."

Oh yeah. They don't apply to anyone in his family.

Can someone who knows Negima explain if people die when they're killed in Negima?

Ryuushin sighed in relief. "Thank goodness."

"Um...Kenshin..." Terra says.

"Yeah?" Kenshin says smiling.

"What...what is love exactly?" Terra asks.

"Oh that's right we were supposed to tell you." Ryuushin says.

Kenshin and Ryuushin then materialized a computer and showed her several "What Is Love" gif compilations on Youtube, each one more cancerous than the last.

"Well...Terra." "What do you feel when were together?" Kenshin asks.

"Comfort...Warmth...a strange sense of happiness." Terra answered.

Disgust...anger...a strange sense of crappiness.

Kenshin smiled again. "Do you find yourself thinking of me when were apart for no reason?"

"H-Hai...but it wasn't for no reason." "Wh-When we got separated I was worried you might not come back." Terra says.

And I was worried that he might.

Kenshin closed his eyes chuckling. "I see." "What about before you passed out just now?" "What did you feel then that you couldn't understand?"

"My...stomach had this weird tingling sensation." Terra says. "And my heart wouldn't quit pounding in my chest."

My stomach as well, but ten doses of pepto and half a carton of Tums fixed it.

"Now this ones gonna be hard and my last question." Kenshin says. "When Kefka stabbed me." "What did you feel?"

"My heart was in pain." "Tears wouldn't stop coming out of my eyes." Terra says her eyes beginning to mist over. "I thought you were going to die." "I was shocked...and relieved when you were OK."

My heart was also in pain, but only because Draconis can never let me be happy.

Kenshin nods. "I see."

"But Kenshin you still haven't answered my question." Terra says. "What is love?"

"I'll take this one son." Ryuushin says.

"Ryuushin-San?" Terra says.

The fuck was the point of all those questions aside from Draconis' need to beat his audience over the head with how <3~~IN LOVE~~<3 Kenshin and Terra are?

"Terra." "Love like Kenshin's referencing is being happy when your around that certain someone." "When you're apart you constantly have that person on your mind."

"When you kiss a sensation takes over your whole body." "And when their on the edge of death you can't stand the thought of losing them."

1. an intense feeling of deep affection.

Done. This isn't some check-out counter romance novel with Fabio on the cover. FFVI has a couple of romantic subplots, but you know what? They were subtle. All of this overwrought esoteric bullshit about what "love" is needs to stop, because I will find out where you live and I will vomit on your shoes.

"Like Kenshin's referencing?" "There's others?" Terra asks.

"Yeah." Ryuushin said. "But you know." "I think you should find out what those are for yourself." "It's not that hard."

She'll figure out the concept of friendship on her deathbed at this pace.

Terra nods. "OK." "Thank you Ryuushin-San."

"Don't mention it." Ryuushin says. "Now I'm going to go off and take a nap." "See ya."

"Later Dad." Kenshin says.

Ryuushin walks away and Terra turns to Kenshin. "What is it?" Kenshin asks.

"Kenshin...do you feel that way about me?" Terra asks.

Kenshin averts his eyes smiling. "Do you really want me to answer that?" "Just having found out about love and all?"

No, you cunt. She asked it because she didn't want to know.

"Yes." Terra asks walking up to him.

Kenshin takes her hand. "OK then." "Yes." "I do." "I've enjoyed our time together." "When we were separated...I constantly worried if you would be OK."

Like once, near the end.

"When we kissed I felt the same way you did." "And if you were in my position back there against Kefka I would have fought still, but I'd have felt the same way you did."
Terra's cheeks tinted with a pink hue. "It...will take me some time to come to terms and figure out everything, but...I'm sure...I love you back."

Kenshin's smile widened. "I can wait for you." "Take all the time you need."

You know, when Bardick finally got the guts to go through with his romance with Lucca, he did it and they were together, and it was over. Draconis is just going to milk this for all it's worth. It's like ripping off a bandaid, but he keeps putting new tape on it.

Terra recalled seeing a woman do something for a man back in South Figaro and her saying she loved him.

And this is an M rated fic, so two guesses as to what that was.

She slid her fingers underneath his chin and pressed her lips softly against his cheek.

Hey, I said "two guesses," and that was going to be my second.

Kenshin cracked an eyebrow upward. "You...said."

"I figured I'd give you a little something...for staying with me this long." Terra says smiling.

As opposed to every other character in this who has done nothing for you apparently.

Kenshin blushed at her smile and scratched the back of his head. "Ok." "Whatever you say." "I'm going to go ahead and get out of your head now." "See you when you wake up."

Terra waved. "Bye bye."

She finally got her greetings/farewells right.

On the outside Kenshin opened his eyes and smiled down at her moving his hand to cup her still fur covered cheek. "You can lean on me all you want to Terra." "I'll always be there for you."


Back in Narshe.

Oh hey, we're finally done with that. Now it looks like we get a half-chapter of not-Kenshin for a change.

The group had gathered in Smith's house after Terra and Kenshin took off. Locke awoke in a bed. "Uhhhnn."

"You're awake?" He turned his head to find Celes looking at him.

Locke hopped out of bed and shook off his drowsiness. "Where's Terra and Kenshin? !"

Maybe we can make some sort of Bechdel Test spin off. Can two main characters, of any gender, go one full scene without mentioning Kenshin? I'll even discount any mention of Kenshin with Terra, since that's just plot relevancy.

Celes hung her head staring sadly at the ground. "She...turned into a something...a...and took off." "Kenshin took off after her." "She looked like...a." Celes took a few steps back from Locke. "She looked like an esper."

Edgar entered the room and immediately ran up to Locke. "Locke!" "You're OK!" He looked in between the two a few times. "Something happened to Terra." "There seems to be a connection between her and the espers." "And now that I think about it...there's something...otherworldly about Kenshin."

I'll just go ahead and write this one off...

Celes stared at him oddly. "What do you mean by that?"

Besides the dragon wings and cat ears?

Edgar turned to her. "Because." "While everyone was resting I had one of my councilmen bring census papers for the whole world." "From Jidoor to Thamasa there is no registries of anyone named Kenshin Kuroshi nor of any family or clan named Kuroshi at all." "And he says the technique he and Kefka were using was called Ryuujin's Avarice or Dragon God's Greed." "Obviously now Kenshin is the only one who can make use of it, but he mentioned those in his family could."

Also he mentioned that he came out of the Phantom Forest when he was teleported. Granted that was to others, but given three years it seems like Edgar just failed to do due diligence.

Celes nods. "Yes." "That's right." "You don't think..."

"No." "I don't think he is an esper." "If he was he would have filled us in on them a long time ago." Edgar says.

Or he wouldn't have, because he's a super dick.

Locke narrows his eyes. "So what are you saying?"

"What I'm saying Locke...is that Kenshin may have not been born in this world at all." "That some force we know nothing about...brought him here." Edgar says.

I mean, if you're assuming no knowledge of any of Kenshin's past, wouldn't it be more logical that he had a similar upbringing to Gau? I doubt any census takers went onto the Veldt to count feral people.

Locke walked past him. "Then what are we waiting for?" "Let's go find them and ask Kenshin ourselves."

Also Terra went missing. That was pretty cool.

"Yes." Edgar says. "Witnesses say they saw her and Kenshin screaming across the sky to the west." "We should search for clues there."

Locke walked out to the main room of the house. "Let's go everyone!" "I promised those two...I'd."

He didn't promise them shit, because his promise in the original (to protect Terra) was co-opted by Kenshin. Like everything fucking else.

Celes looked on as Locke hung his head. "Locke..."

Edgar nods. "Alright." "Now think." "The Empire wants the espers." "And now that Terra is out there looking like one and Kenshin's power has returned that paints a huge target on both of their backs."

Sabin nods. "Banon needs our help too though."

Can't you just put him in a nursing home like everyone else?

Locke turns away still hanging his head. Cyan sighs. "A couple of former Vectorian soldiers." "Still it makes no difference." "We must carry on and help them." He declares.

"Alright." "We have two duties." "Whomever isn't looking for Terra is staying here to guard Narshe." "My castle can shuttle us to the western continent where we can make way to Kohlingen and Jidoor."

"Seeing as I'm the one who brought up Banon needing help I'll stay." Sabin says.

Yeah right. I bet he's just gonna sit inside all day playing video games.

"Gau...Gau want stay too." Gau says.

"I have something to ask Nemesis if what you were saying about him is true." Cyan says. "I'm going."

Locke nods. "So am I."

"Same here." Celes says.

Edgar nods. "Very well." "Sabin, You and Gau-San will hold down the fort." "Meanwhile the rest of us will search for Kenshin and Terra."

It's like Draconis wants me to forget he uses honorifics like a shitheel, so he can keep ambushing me with them.

"Got it." Sabin says.

"So let's go!" Locke says rushing out the the door.

Edgar and Cyan sigh and follow him. Celes was about to when Gau tugged on her coat. "Hm?" "Gau-kun?" "What is it?"

Stop it!

"Are you close to Papa?" Gau asks.

Celes nods already knowing about Gau's bond with Kenshin. "Yes." "You could say I'm his sister." "Even though we're not related by blood."

"O-OK." "You bring Papa back?" Gau asks.

"Hai." Celes says. "I will." "And...if you want." She blushed slightly at what she was gonna say next. "You could call me Auntie."

I'd like to speculate that Draconis has like, no family. Or at the very least, comes from a broken home. That's the only reason (besides having an incest fetish) why he keeps insisting on various characters having familial ties and titles. Maybe it's a Negima/anime thing. I don't know.

Gau smiled brightly and embraced her. "OK!"

Celes patted Gau on the back. "OK then...Now I have to go." "We'll be back soon."

"OK." Gau says. "Bye bye Auntie."

Celes smiled and walked away. "See you."

I don't know. That scene came off more like going to run errands than going on a mission to find someone. There's something very domestic about it, and it's striking me.

Nah, I'm bullshitting. I don't know shit about psychology.


A few hours later.

Figaro Castle.

Edgar's Chancellor rushed up to him as he and the others neared the castle. "My lord!"

"Dammit Edgar I hate your kingdom sometimes." Locke says.

"Oh stow your complaints Locke." Edgar says. "This is the only way we're going to find Kenshin and Terra fast enough."

"Geez." "Could you two give it a rest?" Celes says.

"Seriously Locke-San." "I'm wearing armor and I'm not all that bothered by this heat." Cyan says.

Now every other character is like, "fuck Locke." At least Draconis is consistent.

If only he were consistent about the goddamned honorifics.

"What is it you need Edgar-San?" "And if you don't mind where is Kenshin-San and that girl he was with?" The Chancellor asks.

Fuck you and the horse-san you rode in on.

"That's the reason we're here." "They got separated from us and took off toward the west." Edgar says. "We need to go toward Kohlingen."

"Very well." "Come inside and we'll get started."

The party walks inside the castle and it begins to submerge. "This will only take a few moments." Edgar says. "Don't get too comfortable."

"I swear to god, if you get comfortable in my castle, I will just lose it."

"So Edgar." "What made you turn your back on the Empire?" Celes asks.

"Same reason as these two." "They killed someone important to me."

"And if you want to find out who, you'll have to read the manga play the game."

Edgar says keeping turned away from her. "What about you?"

"I realized what they were doing was evil." Celes says. "And Kenshin is like a brother to me."

Bechdel Test failed.

"I see." Edgar says. "Get ready we're rising up from the sands."

"Alright." "We are at the western lands." "Be careful out there." "The beasts are stronger there than they are on the main land."

"Duly noted." "Alright first we should probably make way for Kohlingen." Edgar says.

"Alright." "We are at Kohlingen." Edgar says.

The whole above conversation sounds like it's just Edgar talking to himself. Which is hilarious if you think about it.

Locke walked on ahead. "Back there again..." "Dammit..."


A while later.

Time lapses are implied through scene breaks.


"Alright." "You know the drill." Edgar says. "Split up and find any clues as to where Kenshin and Terra took off."

"Right." Cyan Celes Shaggy Scooby Doo and Locke say.

The four split up. Celes approached Locke as he began walking aimlessly. "Is something wrong Locke-San?"

Locke jumped. "Ah!" "C-Celes!" "Don't sneak up on me like that!" Locke says.

Locke's training with the Peace Corps has him constantly on edge, ready to strike down any Charlies that come by.

"My apologies." Celes says. "Although you seem troubled." "Is everything alright?"

"Am I that easy to read?" Locke thought. "I guess you could say I was reluctant about coming here."

"Why is that?" Celes asks. She notices them making their way toward a house. "Wait...you don't live here do you?"

"You could say that." Locke says as they entered the house. "I...wasn't able to...protect her...when she needed me." Locke says a faraway look in his eyes.

"There used to be an Ann Taylor's here, but all of the local businesses died when Walmart came through. I couldn't protect her..."

Celes set her hand on his shoulder. "If you want to talk." "I'll lend an ear."

Locke sighs. "A few years back I was out in a cave with...a friend hunting for treasure." "Her name was Rachel."

"We were on a break."

"I crossed a bridge as soon as we entered and the ground began to quake violently." "She rushed forward and shoved me off the bridge and fell down herself." "I jumped down myself and found her."

Glad you both could find each other within yourselves. That's the best sign of true love.

"When she came to back at our house...she was amnesiac." "She couldn't remember anything at all."

That is what an amnesiac is, after all.

Celes nods. "I see." "That sounds rough."

Thanks, General Understatement!

"Heh." "Trust me it was." "When her father found out he demanded I leave her and never return." Locke says. "Especially...since we were engaged."

Celes let a short gasp past her lips. "Oh my...that's."


"Horrible?" "Yeah." "She agreed with them because she didn't know who I was anymore." Locke says. "All I could do was hang my head and leave." "I stood outside her house everyday...hoping she'd remember."

"Blasting Skid Row's 'I Remember You' from a boom box. In retrospect, not the most appropriate song."

"My friends...and hers told me just to leave her alone." "My being there wasn't helping her." "But how could I?"

"So I decided to stalk her, but her 'parents' just bitched and got the 'police' involved."

"You were in love with her." "And that love was suddenly taken away from you." Celes says.

"Right." Locke says. "The...worst part is..." "A year later...I checked in on her..." His fists clenched as tears welled up in his eyes. "And she perished in an imperial attack."

"She had...gotten...her memory back by then..and the last thing she said was...my name." "I should have never left her side...I failed her."

This makes all of Locke's antics making fun of you-know-who for liking a girl sound really shitty in hindsight. I doubt Draconis even considered that.

"I see..." "My condolences." Celes says. "If it means anything I'm sorry."

"Thanks." Locke says. "Come on." "Let's go meet with the others."

A certain character (whom I won't name for fear of bringing them out Bloody Mary style) got an entire half-chapter full of flashbacks dedicated to him killing his father and being a dick to his sisters, while Locke gets three trite and awkward paragraphs pouring his heart out about how his fiancee was killed due to his failures.

I mean, given how Draconis treats Locke, I guess I should just feel lucky that Celes and Edgar aren't about to table top him and call him a sissy.

Locke and Celes exited the house and met with Edgar and Cyan. "So what did you guys find out?" Locke asks cracking a forced grin.

"We found out that they did fly over here."

As attested to by the house that got burned down.

"But took off toward the south." "Let's go check Jidoor." Edgar says.

"Alright then." Locke says.

Edgar and Cyan took point in front while Celes and Locke hung in the back. "Hey Celes."

"Hm?" Celes says.

"Thanks." Locke says smiling at her.

Thanks for...?

I mean, I guess listening to people vent is cool and all, but honestly her responses read off like she's bored more than sympathetic.

Celes felt her cheeks heat up as she brushed her hair to the side. "Don't mention it."

The group of adventures made their way toward Jidoor where the hoped to find some answers.

This is another chapter like chapter 6, where given that most of the (actually important) developments centered around Locke, so should have the story structure. In fact, the other novelization I quoted during the fall of Doma did take this focus, because that author is a fan of the game and not a mark for himself. But Draconis, as always, couldn't wrench his hand off of his boner for Kenshin long enough to make the narrative structure better.

(chapter end)

I'll be damned. They actually passed the test at least once. Let's do that again next chapter.

Draconis: I've sandbagged this long enough. Time to post.

Kenshin: Ya think? And wouldn't my past being revealed here spoil the plot for the other story?

You know, given that his other stories on here are either Negima or High School DxD, I should have come to the conclusion earlier. Both of the porn ones are also twice as long as this one by word count. I don't know how you managed to publish so much shit.

Draconis: It might not go like that what I've described.

Because continuity is for pussies.

Kenshin: Whatever.

Draconis678 out


So let's get this out of the way.

I realize my commentary in the past few chapters has been mostly complaining about Kenshin, and I also realize that there's only so much blood you can squeeze from that stone, comedically. As such, the commentary portion in the past chapter and a half hasn't been as great as it could've been.

When I sought out Final Fantasy VI fics to mock, I was expecting to mock laughably badly written and poorly portrayed Final Fantasy VI scenarios and characters. Draconis has given me plenty of that, to be sure, but he's also given me one of the most bafflingly unlikeable plot tumors in Kenshin. To say that Kenshin is a cancer on this already pretty shoddy retelling is a bit of a misnomer, considering that cancer doesn't take up 90% of your body weight before it kills you. But still, that's not an excuse for not being funny, and this whole spiel is not meant to be a justification, just an explanation.

The problem with mocking this, and one of the reasons I originally decided not to, was that after a while nothing Draconis shoe-horns in with Kenshin is surprising. His shit is boring, in other words, and despite hating-Kenshin being the one constant in my commentary lately, there is a hell of a lot more I hope to drag out of this wretched train wreck. I enjoyed mocking A Step Onto Chronos because I loved Chrono Trigger, so I figured I'd enjoy this the same. One due that BardicKnowledge deserves is that once he learned to quit Dungeon Mastering, all of the other characters became ripe for parody, and those were the parts of that mock I felt were the best. I want to be able to mock the actual Final Fantasy characters, in all of the bumbling prose that Draconis produces about them, and not some retarded edgelord self-insert from the Negima universe. And I'd argue that once this chapter deviated away from Kenshin for a bit, my commentary got better. Because finally, finally, I had something other than some emo weeb's wet dream to mock.

This isn't going to be the last time Kenshin-hating is going to dominate commentary. It can't be. Draconis' boner for his OC is a large part of the reason this fic is worth being mocked. But I look forward to the times when I get to actually mock Final Fantasy VI, because that's the only reason I'm even here to begin with.

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post Mar 18 2017, 01:22 PM
All around me are familiar faces, worn out faces, worn out places...

Kenshin: How long has it been since you've written something for this one?

Draconis: Stow it. I needed to catch up on some requests and I started a new story.

Celes: (sips tea) He has a point.

...does he? His excuse for not doing more on this story is that he started another one. Seems like poor planning more than anything.

Draconis: Anyway lets get started before I put this off any longer. (epic failed)

I don't get it.

Everything alright there, Draconis? Did your imaginary friend break up with you again?

Final Fantasy VI A Retold Tale

Chapter 10

The Slums of Zozo.

Draconis: Begin!


The group of four strode into the town of Jidoor where they already heard whispering. "Do we really look so strange?" Cyan asks.

"Well think about it Cyan." Locke replies. "We're a party that consists of a knight, a king, a deserter general and a thi- Treasure Hunter." He quickly corrects himself before he says thief.

Oh we're starting that again. Alright, whatever. Let's do it.
What was that Locke?" Edgar says. "Were you about to call yourself a thief?"

"Shaddap!" Locke shouts. "Dammit Kenshin you got me almost doing it now."

On the way back to Zozo Kenshin sneezed. "Ugh." "Damn that hurt."

"Anyway." Edgar says. "Let's gather some intel."

The four walk up to the side of town that each of them immediately labeled the 'rich side of town' because everyone was dressed fancily like they were heading out to a
social gathering.

Every side of Jidoor is the rich part. The entire lore behind Jidoor is that all of the wealthy people kicked the poor people out to Zozo. I think it's supposed to be a statement on social inequality, because back in The 90s, Squaresoft was capable of a game having subtext.

Celes grabbed the back of Locke's shirt as he walked up behind one of the rich men. "Don't."

"Aw come on!" "They aren't gonna miss it!" Locke says.

"You even talk like a thief!" Celes says her eyes narrowed dangerously at him.

Let's be real here. When Celes says "you even talk like a thief," isn't she really using coded language to say "black?"

"Excuse me." "What are you four doing?" The man asks turning toward them. "You aren't from Zozo are you?"

"Zozo?" Edgar asks. "No we aren't." "Why?"

The man let out a relieved sigh. "Thank goodness." "I was afraid I was going to get robbed again."

Only confirming my suspicions.

"So it's a thief town?" Celes says. "Locke you'd fit in perfectly there."

"Don't start!" Locke shouts.

The man sighed. "But then again there was this young man who came from up there."

"What happened?" Cyan asks.

"He got into Harvard because he studied hard and didn't indulge in the pitfalls of street life like the rest of those THUGS!"

"Well I was about to get robbed when this fellow wearing a dark red vest and a sleeveless gray shirt and gray jeans. He had blue eyes and a scar on the left eye. His hair was red and hung down past his neck." "And he had a tattoo on his arm that said 'Boner Garage' in Japanese."

Celes' eyes widen fractionally. "That sounds like Kenshin." She thought.

"Could you tell us where he said he was going?" Cyan asks.

"Well he asked that I give him some food in return for his protection of me." "It was no problem." "As for where." "Well he said his lady friend passed out in Zozo and
needed to be getting back." The man says. "Is he a friend of yours?"

He is a friend to nobody.

"Yes he is." "Both of them actually." "Thank you." Edgar says.

"Well what are we waiting for?" "Let's go!" Locke said.

I hope they don't go to Zozo.


Hours later.


Man, that's the last place I wanted them to be!

The party of four made it to the thieves town only to hear a loud ruckus from the middle of town. "Huh?" Locke says.

"ROAR! !" A loud voice shouts.

"Yeah yeah rawr rawr right back at ya titan bitch." "Jeez I just had to get hungry didn't I?" A familiar voice says. "God I hope she'll be fine up there by herself for a bit."

Who is it? Jesus?

Celes Edgar Cyan and Locke walked forward to see Kenshin staring up at a HadesGigas.


The gigas gave another roar which Kenshin returned by merely smirking. "You gonna bark all day little doggie or are you gonna bite?"

The gigas' arm lurched toward Kenshin who grabbed his staff and slammed it into the titan's elbow causing him to recoil in pain. "Come on." "Drop your purse and hit me!"

I'm sorry Kenshin, not everyone can be as manly as you and wear a fanny pack with such confidence and disregard for common decency.

Celes narrowed her eyes at Kenshin's obviously cocky nature.

"You bastard!" The gigas shouts. Kenshin sighs and tosses his staff into the air in a spin jumping up and grabbing it. "Rolling Moon!" He says pressing the button to transform his staff into a chain. "Chain Choker!" Kenshin shouts swinging it at the gigas's neck wrapping it around. Kenshin fell back to the ground yanking hard on the chain forcing the gigas to his knees.

Oh man, look at me, I'm Kenshin, I'm going to name my attack which is just throwing shit in the air. Let me throw this piece of paper in the trash. I call it my "Super Slam From Outer Space Pocky Shocky Attack."

"Nice execution." Edgar comments.

"Wait he's not done yet." Celes says.

Celes was proven right as Kenshin back flipped over the gigas driving his right knee into it's head knocking it to the ground as Kenshin landed on it's back.

Kenshin set his hand on the gigas' back and chanted. "Ice!" A column of blue freezing light shot upward and Kenshin punched downward as a crunching sound was heard.

The gigas's body jerked before falling back down to the ground...dead.

"Kenshin wins...fatality." Kenshin says hopping off the giant corpse.

Someone who watches or reads Negima tell me if they play Mortal Kombat in Negima. Then go drive off a cliff for watching Negima.


"Hm?" Kenshin says turning his head. He barely had enough time to react as Celes caught him in an embrace. "C-Celes?" "And Locke Cyan and Edgar too?"

"Hey Kenshin." "Wasn't expecting you find you so soon." Edgar says.

"You were...looking for us?" Kenshin asks.


"Yeah." "Why wouldn't we?" Celes asks.

"Well Celes I knew you would, but Cyan Locke and Edgar?" "What's your reason?" Kenshin says as Celes lets him go.

"Simple." "We're friends aren't we?" "Comrades in arms." Edgar says.

Plus they still kind of need Terra to overthrow the Empire.

"And we want to make sure Terra's alright."

Thank you for backing me up, whoever said that.

Kenshin shrugged. "I guess." "Terra's fine at least I hope she is." "She's asleep in the tallest tower of this place." "I've tried to fly up there only to get knocked to the ground by some martial artist prick."

Cyan nods. "You need some assistance taking him down I see."

"Not necessarily." "The last time I tried taking him on he had the scumbags of this town jump me." "Titan mitts here was the last one he sent." Kenshin says. "He says he has no shortage of goons to send after me so I'd get run ragged eventually."

"Huh." "Martial artist ya say?" Locke asks. "Man we shoulda brought Sabin." "He'd love to kick that guy's teeth in."

Which one is Sabin again? Is he the amorphous blob that does fighting game moves or the one that spouts memes? Or both?

"Heh heh yeah." Kenshin says grinning.

"But there is...also a question I wanted to ask you personally Kenshin." Edgar says cutting back to the previous subject.

Kenshin stared. "What is it?"

"how does babby formed?"

"Are you from this world?" Edgar asks.

"..." Kenshin says nothing.

"Nemesis?" Cyan says somewhat stunned at his silence.

See, you know about it. He had this whole sad soliloquy in the Veldt about how he's the last of his kind. How did that not set off any triggers?

"Kenshin?" Locke asks.

"What tipped you off?" Kenshin asks.

Edgar explained what he had done before coming here. "I researched all the census papers...not one entry showed up of anyone with the surname Kuroshi...much less the name Kenshin." Edgar stared at him.

That's probably because the most "Asian" people in that world are Cyan's group, and they don't even go by Japanese names.

They also don't use honorifics, so fuck outta here on that end too.

"Well I would be shocked if there was an entry." Kenshin says stuffing his hands in his pockets. "Your assumption is right." "But I don't necessarily have time to go into the details." "So what're ya gonna do Edgar?" "Ya gonna alienate me because I'm not from this world?" "Because I have no business here?" "Well your wrong." "My 'business' here just so happens to be laying unconscious in a bed in this town's tower."

Like an anime fan drunk girl on prom night?

"Kenshin...?" Celes says seeing the cold glare in his eyes directed at the King of Figaro.

"Hm." "You're kind of quick to jump the gun there Kenshin." Edgar says. "No." "We aren't going to do that." "We need your help and you are a friend you have proven that much."

Kenshin closed his eyes sighing. "I apologize for my rash behavior." "It's just...I am used to that sort of thing happening." "It happened in the Vectorian Army and in my homeworld."

1. How did it happen in the Army when you became one of the highest ranking officials? 2. How were you alienated as an outsider in your own goddamned homeworld?

Locke's brow went into his hairline. "Hm?" "But you can't be any older than 18." "Care to elaborate a bit?"


Kenshin sighed. "Alright then." "You see this left eye of mine?" He says pointing at the aforementioned part of his body.

"Yes?" Cyan says.

"Well when I was eight or nine years old the leader of a large city whose population numbered in the tens of millions led a mob attack on me." "There were thousands of people chasing me through the streets while onlookers pelted me with random objects." "The entire city...wanted me dead." This cues a gasp from Celes while Edgar, Locke and Cyan stared in shock at him.

That's hysterical. Not even in a "grumble-grumble-I-hate-Kenshin-I'm-glad-he's-in-pain" way, just the idea of thousands of people hunting down a kid with rocks being yet another part of his tragic backstory.

"But anyway back to the subject at hand." Kenshin says. "They eventually cornered me in the slums of the city where the leader of the town slashed my eye out with a poisoned dagger." "You see...there is a reason behind me being called the 'Demon of Vector'." "Because...I really am a demon."

That's only cool when Big Boss says it.

"Without the poison the eye would have been able to regenerate, but thanks to it...it did not."

"But if it were not for the selfless acts of two of the city's officials and two unknown strangers and a nurse that day...I am all but certain I would have died." Kenshin says.
"That enough elaboration for you?"

"And with the help of my buddy Jesus, I learned that incest is not wincest. I received the power of laser eyes and returned to that city for revenge..."

Fuck, dude, if I wanted to read your other fanfiction I would have. This is just masturbation. Locke got less real estate for his actual, relevant to the plot, incident with Rachel, all right before getting bullied about the thief joke again.

Locke nodded numbly as did Edgar Cyan and Celes. Kenshin sighed. "Alright then." "Let's go."

Edgar watched as Kenshin retreated from them. "My god...if that is true...where was his parents?"

Same place as yours.

"K-Kenshin!" Cyan says.

Kenshin turned as the three ran up to him. "What now?"

"Dude if that's true where the hell were your parents? !" Locke asks.

"Due to circumstances beyond her control my mother could not be there for me even though she desperately wanted to be." Kenshin says. "And at the time I thought my father was dead."

So he killed his dad when he was nine or ten? Or does his father just die every so often to keep the plot moving?

"Now enough questioning." He goes to turn around only to find a Harvester and another HadesGigas behind him. He narrowed his eyes. "Oh boy...you guys again."
"There's a lot of you bastards in here aren't there?"

Kenshin sighed and stretched his arms out. "Ugh if I had my nodachi and kodachi you two fools wouldn't stand a chance."

Is that what you tell yourself about getting blasted in the ass by Kefka all the time too?

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Locke says running up to him. "Dude you aren't thinking of taking these two on solo are you?"

"Why not?" "You've all just made me recall some very troubling memories." "Now I want to take my frustrations out on these two." Kenshin says.

locke make kenshin feel bad kenshin crush

"At least let us help." Locke says. "You look exhausted."

"Tch." "Fine." Kenshin says. He takes out his staff and looks at it. "Son of a bitch." "This thing's about to break too." "They are both quite old and the additions I put this thing through didn't help matters."

Also you using it as an enema put it through much more stress than needed.

He looked up and saw Locke jumping back from the Harvester holding a pair of boots and some goggles. "Ha ha!" "Stole your swag!"

Kenshin narrowed his eyes. "I know you mean the old meaning, but I'm going to ignore the fact that you just said swag."

"I hate swagfags like you always blasting your Nicki Minaj and Justin Gayber. Put on some real music, like Nine Inch Nails or Dead by April."

"What doth he mean Nemesis? !" Cyan shouts holding the HadesGigas back with his sword.

"Don't worry about it." Kenshin says wrapping his staff's chain around the Gigas's right wrist.

"Would you three knock it off." Edgar says loading arrow bolts into his crossbow. "We're in a battle right now!"

"And you're only adding to the conversation Lord Figaro." Celes says going into a spell incantation.

And you're adding more to THAT, so fuck you too you sister-of-a-bitch.

Kenshin jumped onto the Gigas' arm. "Hey big guy." "Over here." He ran up the Gigas' arm as it punched at him. "Aw dude ya barely got me." Kenshin says standing on it's right shoulder.

"Pay attention foul titan!" Cyan says jumping backward. "Swordtech No.2!"

Kenshin slackened his chain but kept it on the titan's wrist. It roared and launched a punch that Cyan fluidly dodged.

"Counter!" Cyan shouts disappearing from sight and reappearing behind the titan his shins and calves shooting blood.

I wonder when this chapter was published. Something tells me it was around 2013.

"Whoa!" Kenshin says as the titan fell to his knees. "Alright!" "My turn!" He tightens the chain's grip and moves behind the Gigas' head and yanks the chain backward.
"? !" The titan grunted in confusion as his fist began struggling against his movements.

"Dammit." "Gotta activate Avarice." Kenshin says closing his eyes feeling out the power of the dragon god in his body. He opened his eyes back up reveal the whites dyed black save a single gray slit for the pupil and badass flames on the side. His arms and legs had transformed into limbs of a dragons. "Ahh much better!" He says effortlessly yanking the chain backward sending the Gigas's fist sailing into it's own face.

"Come on!" "Stop punching yourself!" Kenshin says yanking the chain backward a couple of more times until the Gigas' fell flat on his face.

Our hero just decided to go into his super powered demon form to play punch buggy with a giant, just moments after revealing how he was beat the fuck up as a kid.

Kenshin took back his chain and walked forward stopping at it's neck and stomping down as hard as he could.

(crack!) (snap!)(biff!)(splurt!)(fart!)

The Gigas' body twitched a couple of times before it stopped cold. Kenshin closed his eyes sighing as Ryuujin's Avarice canceled. He looked over to find Locke rushing by the Harvester slashing a gash into it's shoulder. "Celes now!" Locke says.

"Right!" "Ice!" The temperature of the air around the Harvester dropped drastically as blue light rushed upward freezing it as the light went by.

Kenshin turned his head seeing Edgar aiming his crossbow's sight down. "Edgar wait!" He walked up to the Harvester as Edgar lowered his crossbow. Kenshin stared at it for a few minutes before walking away. "Leave him." "He'll thaw eventually." He finished putting his staff on his back.

Well at least he put over how broken magic is in this game.

The group shrugged and followed Kenshin to a building with a clock on it. "Hm..." "Any of you know what to make of this?" "I've been getting clues from the people around town, but none of them make sense to me."

It's a fucking clock. You wind it, it tells time. Go back to Kindergarten you simple-minded fuck.

"Can I try?" Celes asks.

"Go nuts." Kenshin says as he steps backward pulling out a cigarette and lighting it taking a drag.

Oh, now he's smoking actual cigarettes. No wonder Kenshin's such a cancer.

"Hmmm." Celes says taking out a small pocket watch. "Hm...six..." She points the hour hand at the six on the clock. "Ten..." She angles the minute hand over to the two.

"Fifty." She pointed the second hand over to the ten. She pressed the button at the center down. Not only did the clock start working again, but a wall to the right shifted over revealing a set of stairs.

"No..." Edgar says in astonishment.

"Fucking..." Kenshin continued the cigarette slipping out of his mouth.

"...Men? That can't be right."

"Way..." Cyan finished his face dropping in shock.

"Ha ha ha!" "Nice one Celes!" Locke laughs.

Yes, I suppose it's good that we have one person here who's not a retard to act as problem solver.

Celes remained turned around as she laughed quietly into her hand. "Coming?" She says walking up the stairs.

"Right behind you." Locke says following her.

"Edgar." Kenshin says.

"Yeah?" Edgar asks.

"You got some rope?" Kenshin asks.

To hang yourself?

"No why?" Edgar says.

"Because I was tinkering with that thing for the past day and a half." "And she solves it in a few minutes." "I feel like hanging myself."

...Well now that you made that joke, it's not funny anymore.

Edgar shakes his head as Celes walks back down the stairs. "Edgar I think this is more your thing." She says handing him a chainsaw.

"No way!" Edgar says. "I've been looking every where for one of these, but they were sold out!"

So, the chainsaw is an incredibly broken item that can OHKO most normal enemies. It makes Edgar insanely useful going into the second act of the game (which is now). You get it by winding the clock in this one building to the correct time (6:50:10) which you get by asking the townspeople for hints. Zozo's gimmick is that everyone in it is a liar, so they'll all tell you the wrong time, and by process of elimination you figure out the correct time. The great thing about the game though is it doesn't try to explain why the chainsaw is there. It's just a hidden item you can get if you're smart enough, and it's worthwhile to explore the town in order to get it.

Now let's turn to the fic here and note two things. 1) This item probably isn't going to be super useful because Kenshin. It might get some mention as a joke when Edgar dons a hockey mask and kills people because it's SUPER FUCKING FUNNY when the funky bunch react like twits. 2) Draconis set up a contrived and stupid situation to get to it. It's better than Bardick's GameFAQs narration, but he ended up making his main character look like an imbecile, especially because the puzzle can be bypassed by using regular tools everyone has available to them. Then there's the whole "Hey, I'm a king of a technologically advanced steampunk castle, but I can't find a chainsaw" element...

Kenshin walks toward the south end of town and walks into the relic shop. Perplexed the group followed him.

(crash) (bang!) (smash!) (pop!)(wham!)(sploosh!)

They make their way past the first guy and find a bunch of bandits laying on the ground writhing in pain. Kenshin sighed a bored look on his face. "Man you guys are weak."

"What happened?" Celes asks.

"I was walking over here to begin climbing the tower and these assholes."

They should've just submitted to Kenshin's anal desires, I guess.

Kenshin kicked one of the bandits making him groan in pain. "Tried to jump me."

"Damn." Locke says. "Kicking a lot of ass?"

"Sorry." "Outta chewing gum." Kenshin says grinning. "Anyway lets keep going."

So are Negima people aware of Earth and shit? Like, is there some connection between their world and ours? Otherwise the constant references to pop culture are bewildering.

And so the group ascended the tower. "Hey lets look in here." Locke says.

"Nah man lets keep climbing." Kenshin says standing at the window ready to hop across the buildings.

Locke had already walked into the door he wanted to look into and walked back out with a glove. Kenshin looked back and shook his head laughing. "A thief's glove." "How fitting."

Oh, hahaha, it's that joke from the start of the chapter again! Except this time Kenshin's the one making the joke, so I'm sure the lifeless sacks of ego-lube Draconis has made will find it EVEN MORE SUPER FUCKING FUNNY.

Celes covered her mouth to giggle, Edgar and Cyan both laughed as Locke's eyes bugged out.


"Semantics." Kenshin says hopping across the building.

Locke muttered about stupid demons who need to button their yaps as the group followed Kenshin up the building.

No sense in being racist against demons just because one is an insufferable prick, Locke.

Along the way they found a tincture, a potion and a claw Kenshin called the 'fire knuckle' for the burns it left on the wall when he used it. He commented it would be useful for Sabin. As they made their way up the final set of stairs Kenshin held up his hand stopping. "Hold on." Kenshin says walking up the stairs where a muscled, black male wearing orange fighter pants waited for him.

Ahmed Johnson? I thought you were dead. This is a fate worse than death...

"Tch." "Don't you learn kid?" "Get lost." He says.

"I told you already." "I'm not leaving." Kenshin says taking his staff out and pressing the button for the blade. "I'm taking a more direct approach this time." "Let's settle this Dadaluma."

Remind me why you were waiting around for however many days if you can take this dude one-on-one?

Dadaluma cracked his knuckles. "Alright." He lurched forward punching at Kenshin's chest. "IF YOU INSIST!"

"!" Kenshin's eyes widen dodging to the left dropping his elbow on the man's head.

"!" "Little brat!" Dadaluma snarls turning to roundhouse kick Kenshin's head off.


Your sudden use of comic book sound effects bewilders me, but this one especially.

"AARGH!" Dadaluma shouts an arrow bolt tearing through his flesh.

Kenshin looks back to see Edgar holding his crossbow at the ready. "Kenshin just go and make sure Terra is alright!" "We'll handle this guy."


"But then I won't look cool for the audience!" Kenshin whined.

"No buts Nemesis!" Cyan says ramming the butt of his sword into Dadaluma's ribs. "You have a responsibility to Miss Terra do you not? !"

Kenshin bit his lip. "Fine." "Thanks you guys."

"Oh no you don't!" Dadaluma shouts roaring toward Kenshin. "I'll kill ya boy! !" He roared punching at Kenshin who raised his staff to defend.

(Snap!) (Break!) (Rattle)(Roll!)(Drop!)(Cum!)

Kenshin's eyes widened holding his now two pieces of staff having jumped back to avoid. "Son of a bitch ripped right through the chain." He threw the two pieces away and transformed his arms and legs.

"Oh?" Dadaluma says. He grunts in pain as Kenshin's leg buried into his sternum. Kenshin grabbed his arm and rammed his elbow into Dadaluma's stomach before raising his fist into the martial artist's face. Kenshin used both hands to throw him backward to the others. "Dragon Short Strike Flurry!" He reverted the transformation. "He's all yours!" Kenshin shouts running up the stairs.

Haha, how naive of me to think Kenshin wouldn't get his shit in.

Dadaluma rose back up glaring. "Damn that boy!" "I'll kill him!"

"Yeah." "Sure you will." Locke says jumping off the wall and slamming his knife into Dadaluma's trap muscles in his right arm rendering it useless.

"Swordtech Ichi!" "Dispatch!" Cyan says rushing forward in the blink of an eye and slashing a gash across Dadaluma's chest.

Okay, no. I refuse this shit. Literally a few minutes ago and EVERY time before it, you had Cyan referring to his Swordtechs by English numbers. Did your tech school Japanese course just start on numbers or something?

"Rrrgh!" "Damn you!" Dadaluma says.

"Ice!" Celes shouts freezing him on the spot.

Edgar revved up the chainsaw he just got and brought it down slicing Dadaluma in half. Locke Cyan and Celes looked away as the blood and gore shot out and oddly enough missed Edgar completely as he dumped both halves of the now bisected martial artist over the railing.

...I'll give points for realism, but that was pretty unnecessarily grotesque.

"Dude was that necessary?" Locke asks.

"That man was responsible for many many murders across the globe." Edgar says disdainfully looking at the halves of his corpse on the ground. "If anything he got off easy because he couldn't feel it."

"And he was only one day away from retirement too. What a shame."

"But should he not have been judged?" Cyan says.

"So he can attempt to manipulate the system and get off completely?" Edgar asks. "No." "Sometimes a king needs to take matters into his own hands." "I don't like the way I did it, but at least the people he killed will be able to rest in peace."

"Yep. It was totally unavoidable. Nothing better I could've done. I'm the good king."

I'm sure to Draconis this makes perfect sense and fulfills his warped sense of justice, but Machiavelli wasn't this infatuated with cruelty.

Edgar begins walking up the stairs and enters the room Terra and Kenshin were located with Celes Cyan and Locke not far behind.

Kenshin stood over Terra. Her eyes were open, but she refused to move or speak. They each took a side of the bed and looked down at her. Terra made a few unintelligible sounds.

"Terra?" One of them said, but none of them were paying enough attention to distinguish who.

You. Are. The narrator. You are supposed to give us that information. You dumb fuck.

"She's scared you know."

"!" Everyone barring Terra began to look around.

An elderly man wearing blue robes and carrying a staff appeared behind Kenshin. "Who are you?"

The elderly man looked over at Kenshin. "Ah." "You are the one they chose..." "But that is beside the point."

That's an implication that I neither like nor am I surprised by.

"Is this girl your friend?" "This is a question directed at them and not you boy."

Kenshin nods as Locke walked past him. "Of course we are." "Is she...Terra OK?" Locke asks.

"You call her Terra?" "How odd." The elder says.

"Back in my day, we didn't have these fancy pantsy "names." We just called each other faggots and consarnit, we liked it!"

Terra's body begins twitching before letting out a frightened roar rushing past Cyan and Edgar. Then Celes and Locke and finally toward Kenshin who caught her in an embrace.

"Shh...Shh." "Just relax Terra." "It's alright." "Nothing's going to hurt you." Kenshin whispered in her ear as she shook in his arms.

It's odd that she's still in the esper trance thing she goes into in the original, considering you spent half a chapter going over Kenshin and his dad setting her straight.

Man, what was the point of that again?

Locke walked toward them only for Kenshin to look up at him. He shook his head slowly. The elder sighed. "She is undamaged, but it seems young Kenshin is the only one here who can fully understand her."

Because they're both ONE...of a kind!

"Understand just how scared she is." "As for me." "My name is Ramuh." "The esper Ramuh."

"Esper? !" "But don't they live in another world? !" Locke says.

"No." "Think about it." "There is an esper in Narshe." Celes says. "Most of the espers live in another world, but not all."

"The woman is right." Ramuh says. "We can live here or there." "We can take on a variety of forms and even live as humans." "You have nothing to fear from us."

"Unless we go crazy and burn down half a village."

"Why hide the fact?" Locke says.

"Why not?" Edgar says. "It's not like esper/human relations have been good." "Terra being a shining example of that."

Terra's had pretty good relationships with humans so far. You probably can't tell since she's not a total edgelord.

"He is right." "Esper and human cannot survive together." Ramuh says.

"But my grandparents said that there was a time the esper and human did live side by side!" Locke says. "Was that bull or not?"

"No that was true...at one point." "We started out as friends." Ramuh says. "Then along came the War of the Magi."

"!" Everyone's eyes, Kenshin's included widened.

"The War of the Magi." Edgar says.

I too am shocked at the mention of that event that happened which everyone knows about. I hope he doesn't reference the American Revolution. My heart might stop.

"It was long ago." "Espers fought against humans who were infused with energy extracted from espers." Ramuh says. "Fearing...that our power would be targeted again we fashioned a new realm and relocated. "About twenty years ago however...humans stumbled upon it." "Humans who knew of espers and the secrets of the magitek."

"And so the hunt for the espers began again." "Just so Emperor Gestahl could create his invincible army."

"In response we sealed the door shut and threw the humans out." Ramuh says.

Yet no one bitches when the espers make a travel ban.

"Even now my people are being trapped in the Vectorian magitek research facility and being drained of their powers." "I fled here to avoid a similar fate."

Terra's legs gave out and Kenshin carried her back to bed. After he laid her down he placed a light kiss on her forehead.

"Yes." "Relax." Ramuh says. "You see Kenshin there is a reason you brought her here."

"I brought her here because I thought the increased amounts of magic in this room would help revert her transformation." Kenshin says. "She thinks she's a monster."

Oh, good. Draconis is lying about his story again. He never said anything about "magic levels" in the preceding chapters, and he seems to have just ignored the events of the last chapter AGAIN!

"She isn't." "She is actually quite different." Ramuh says. "Her own existence now that she remembers everything strikes fear into her own heart."

Kenshin looked over at Terra. "She looks like she's in pain." "Tell me Ramuh." "How...How can I help her?"

Ramuh taps his staff against the floor. "If she accepts this aspect of herself." "She should be alright."

Cyan walks toward him. "That could take years!" "We need to do something now!"

Ramuh hands Cyan a gun with a knowing look and a kind nod.

"Then free my people imprisoned in the research facility." Ramuh says. "One of them will be able to help her."

"Or they won't. Just do it."

"If we go there." "Are you sure we'll find them?" Locke asks.

"...they'll be there." Kenshin says.

That wasn't the question though. Obviously they'll be there.

"Like a coward I escaped while they suffered." Ramuh laments.

"What do you mean?" Edgar asks.

"Gestahl's method is incorrect." "You cannot drain a live esper of all it's power." Ramuh says.

Not with a shitty attitude like that.

"It is only when we are reduced to magicite that our power can be transferred in full."

"Pardon? !" Locke says.

"When we become magicite our power can be relocated...it is what is left behind when...we die."

You get magic by eating magical corpses. Got it.

Kenshin's eyes immediately went to Terra as the others stared at Ramuh in shock. Suddenly a flash of light blinded them all and three green stones with names in red lettering inscribed on them appeared. Then a second flash of light went off and Ramuh disappeared and left behind another of the green stones.

Locke and the others looked around as Kenshin walked toward Ramuh's magicite. "..."

"Kenshin?" Celes says.

"The guilt for leaving his comrades behind must have consumed him." Kenshin says. "Death was his only recourse for his actions."

Or, like in the original, he offers to give you his power to save his friends.

Why the fuck does every well-explained narrative action have to have some grimdark subtext? First Edgar's chainsaw, now this.

He looked off to the side and noticed a chest that hadn't been there before. "Huh?" He walked toward the chest and opened it. "!" Kenshin was shocked at what he saw.

Another fucking dick in a box?

Inside was a black nodachi with fire decorating the blade as well as a matching sheathe along with a white handled kodachi with a sheathe that looked to be segmented to look like the breaks in clouds.

Also Sephiroth's katana, but like super huger better.

"No way." Kenshin says taking them out as the others gathered the magicite.

"What is it?" Locke says.

"How did the old man get his hands on my old weapons?" Kenshin says giving both a couple of test swings.

Of course he did. Bardick's father's sword was stolen by Magus in A Step Onto Chronos, so of course Draconis has to have some wonky way to give his character his own stupidly charged weapons.

And OF COURSE the first chapter he mentions that he used to have swords, he gets them back, despite wielding spear-gun-dart thing up until now.

"These landed near me a couple of years ago before I was captured." Ramuh says in his mind."I looked into your memories and saw them with you." "So it's fitting they be returned to their rightful owner."

Ignoring the added ass-pulls to accommodate your hero yet again, I wish you would quit explaining shit. You suck at it.

Kenshin nods. "So when are your all heading out?" He asks.

"You aren't coming with us?" Cyan asks.

"I need to stay here." "As you saw this place isn't exactly the safest place on earth." "I can't leave Terra here alone." Kenshin says.

This is supposed to be Locke and Celes' leg of the plot, so it actually makes sense to have the Kenshin and Terra stuff take a back seat. Even if it just ends up being the same as last time and they have frequent shifts in narration, this works out pretty well from a narrative standpoint.

"What if you didn't have to." A voice called out from the entrance.

I quit.

Kenshin looked up ahead and saw Sabin and Gau. "?"

"Sabin?" "What are you doing here?" Edgar asks.

"The empire turned tail and ran back to South Figaro." Sabin says. "Narshe is safe." "But I overheard the conversation there." Sabin says. "It's clear that three of you have a reason for wanting to go to the Empire."

Well, I mean, they all do. Because they all got suckered by the Empire and all have stakes. You'd never know it though.

Locke Celes and Kenshin looked away. "So why not just leave Terra to two of us and take someone else along." Sabin says.

Kenshin stroked his chin in thought. "Hmm."

"Don't worry." "Who ever you leave here will make sure Terra's alright." Sabin says.

"Fine." Kenshin says. "Now...Cyan...I'm sorry, but if we took you, you'd probably want to wreck stuff up there rather than just free the espers." "Plus it will put my mind at ease if your here with the other man I'm leaving here."

"I understand." Cyan says.

"Cyan, you are obviously a child and cannot hold onto your temper."

"Yes I am."

"Edgar." "No matter which way you slice it." "Your still the king of Figaro." "If you are found in Vector doing this who knows what Gestahl will do." Kenshin says.

Well the whole digression where Edgar got the chainsaw was useful once, poorly.

"You leaving Cyan here to make sure I don't make a move on Terra?" Edgar says.

"Yes." Kenshin says pointedly as he turned to Gau. "You mind doing Papa a favor and watching over Mama for me?"

"Yeah yeah yeah!" Gau says excitedly.

Kenshin smiled. "Alright." "I promise I'll do something fun with you when I get back ok Gau?"

"OK!" Gau says.

I've noticed that Locke and Celes have had no dialog in this excursion. Considering they're the two main characters of the second act, this is pretty inexcusible.

Kenshin turns to Sabin. "You came up with the idea so lets hoof it."

Sabin nods and looked down at his waist. "Did you get some new weapons?"

"Nope." "Been reunited with some old friends." Kenshin says resting his hand on his nodachi's hilt.

Very fitting that Kenshin is now reacquainted with his swords, finally transforming him into the noble samurai that Draconis thinks he is.

"Alright you two lets get moving." "We need to actually find a way to Vector." Celes says.

"I think theres a guy in Jidoor that can give us a hand actually." Kenshin says.

Yeah, but you know, not everyone is interested in soliciting sexual favors right this moment, Kenshin.

"Then lets go!" Locke says as the four rush out the door making their way toward Jidoor.

(chapter end)

Draconis: Oh...my...god. I apologize in advance for this taking so long. I was too busy masturbating to my fanart pictures of Kenshin.

Kenshin: Dude...you suck at being consistent with your updates.

Draconis: Tell me about it. Anyway I'm gonna end this now and get this posted.

Draconis678 out.

So...Kenshin's back, just in time for Final Fantasy VI's famous opera scene. That was a fun excursion while it lasted.

Man, I wish Stone Cold was here...

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post May 7 2017, 06:34 PM
Hello darkness, my old friend...

Draconis: Well, now that we've got the chapter for my other story posted let's get started on my most procrastinated project.

Kenshin: He apologizes in advance for the long waits.

Draconis: Yeah, I dunno what's wrong with me. Every time I've tried writing for the past two months quality just kept trying creep in here, and I couldn't have that.

Draconis: Yeah...anyway let's just go.

Final Fantasy VI A Retold Tale.

Chapter 11

Tentacles At the Opera? by Rogers and Hammerstein

Draconis: Begin!


The group of Locke, Celes, Sabin and Kenshin made their way out of the mountain range encompassing Zozo.

At least you figured out how to use commas to separate names. You managed to learn one thing during your two month hiatus.

"Hey Sabin." Kenshin says.

"Huh?" Sabin says.

"I never got a chance to ask while we were trying to get back to Narshe, but does your fighting style have a particular name?" Kenshin says.

Why, do you wanna give it some bullshit Japanese name?

Sabin tapped his index finger against his chin. "Well Master always just called it 'Blitz', why?"

"No reason." Kenshin says. "I assume you know I'm from another world right?"

"Edgar told me about it yeah." Sabin says. "He also told me you were gay. HAHAH GOT EEEEEEEE-"

"Well back in my world a lot of people I knew had fighting styles dealing with hand to hand combat." Kenshin says. "I even know one myself I just don't use it much."

Gifted at using a staff, a spear, two swords at once, and of course his hands.

Why did you need to regain your powers again?

"Really?" Sabin says genuinely intrigued.

"Yeah, one guy could even use his fists in sword unsheathing attacks called Iaiken." Kenshin says then shuddered. "So many...unseen fists."

Upon researching this, it is another Negima thing. So good, great that we have that confirmed and established at least.

"No way." Sabin says. "You'd have to be able to see him coming at you and be able to counter."

Kenshin turned to Celes and Locke. "Mind if we stop for a second?"

"What about your contact?" Locke asks. "If we don't get there in time he could be gone like you said. "

QUOTE ("What He Said Last Chapter")
"I think theres a guy in Jidoor that can give us a hand actually." Kenshin says.

"He ain't goin' anywhere for awhile." Kenshin says. An exasperated expression overtakes his face as he closes his eyes. "Especially if he's doing what I think he's doing."

That can't not have a sexual implication.

"What would that be?" Celes asks.

Kenshin shook his head. "It's not really important. You'll know what I'm talking about when you see him."

With his dick out? Why are you dragging your friends to see that?

Sabin jumps back standing across from Kenshin. "Kenshin is it really a good idea to use Takamichi's Iaiken here?" Ryuushin asks.

As opposed to in the magic world where magic happens?

"Would you like me to use my swords instead?" Kenshin asks. "You do remember what I can do with those right?"

"I still can't believe you got the FUCKING DRAGON GOD to train you." Ryuushin replied.

"Wasn't exactly thrilled being his student." Kenshin thought. "I think we still hate each other's guts."

Shut the fuck up. Just, seriously, stop having dialog. Everything you say about your past makes me a stupider, less well-adjusted person.

"You ready?" Sabin asks.

"Huh?" Kenshin says. "Oh yeah, go ahead." He finishes sliding his hands into his pockets. "Use whatever you like."

That pocket had better not have a hole in it.

"Er...OK." Sabin says. "Let's start with something simple." He thought charging toward Kenshin. "Blitz Art One!" "Pumme-"

In the blink of an eye Sabin was sent flying backward as Kenshin smiled lazily at him. "Come on."

Sabin stared at Kenshin. "What was that...?" "I clearly felt a fist hitting my face, but he's still standing there with his hands in his pockets."

"Yo...what just happened?" Locke says in confusion.

Kenshin ragdolled the trained martial artist by punching him in his pocket, keep up you brain-dead shell of a person.

Celes stared at Kenshin in a slight amount of shock. "It was for a mere second, but I clearly saw Kenshin's left fist which is facing toward Locke and I leave his pocket."

Oh, I get it. He has to keep his hand in his pocket so that Kenshin can pull more abilities out of his ass.

"Would you like to give it another shot?" Kenshin asks.

"Of course!" Sabin says charging at him again. "Suplex!"

Kenshin sidestepped Sabin jumping away and sent the martial artist flying off to the left of him. "Now do you get it?" Kenshin asks.

I don't see what advantages this "technique" has over a left handed punch.

"Let's try again!" Sabin says. "Aurabolt!"

"Hmph..." Kenshin says dodging the blast entirely. "I don't have an answer for your aurabolt."

"That right?" Sabin says. "Then how bout this!" He interlocks his hands together and flexes his arms out in front of him. "FireDance!"

Kenshin grinned. "This however I do have an answer for." He says as several flaming clones of Sabin circled around him and a graceful dance of flame.

Sabin's eyes widen as his clones all disperse and Kenshin held his arms crossed in front of him fists clenched.

Kenshin lowered his arms and grinned. "Get it now?" "There's no energy in my fists." "It's just pressure and the speed of my fist moving faster than your eye can see."

"There's no energy in my fists." What a cockamamie ability, Jesus hell.

"Interesting." Sabin says.

"I picked it up after getting my ass handed to me by the guy that used it." "He would still kick my ass into next week with it, but I can at least defend myself." Kenshin says. "You should try picking it up now that I've shown you."

You know when this kind of technique might have been useful? The first, second, or third time Kefka kicked sand in your face and stole your girlfriend at the beach.

"I've only seen it once though." Sabin says.

The group continued trekking toward Jidoor. Kenshin shrugged. "If it's you I'm sure you can figure it out." "I'll show you some more later."

I mean, the technique is just punching really fast, isn't it? In a sense it's similar to the Futae no Kiwami from Rurouni Kenshin, except that it's being taught to a martial artist by a dude who's shown no proclivity for hand-to-hand combat.

"Sounds good." Sabin says. "I could use a little more long range in my fighting." "Firedance is alright, but it's so damn exhausting to hold together."

"I bet it is." Locke says, trying to contribute in any meaningful way.



Kenshin and company walked up to the noble Kenshin had helped. "Hey sir."

He turned and smiled. "Oh it's you again. Do you and your friend need something more?"

"No I left her in the care of some friends." Kenshin says.

Meanwhile, back in Zozo, Edgar and Gau are drawing rude images on Terra's face while Cyan is busy filling her hand with shaving cream.

"Is the Opera Impresario in?"

"He's back in his mansion like usual." The nobleman says. "He seems to be worked up about something."

"The mansion belongs to an art dealer, not the impressario," I contribute autistically.

"I see." Kenshin says walking past the nobleman. "Take it easy."

"That's your contact?" Locke says. "An Opera playwright?"

"No it can't be." Celes says. "How would someone like him get us to Vector?"

"Will you two just cool it?" Kenshin says. "I need to ask the idiot something." He finishes as they walk into the mansion at the back of the town.

Yeah, everything would be better if people just stopped questioning Kenshin all the time. God!

"Excuse me I'm busy right now!" Impresario says.

"And I need information." Kenshin says.

"!" Impresario gasps and runs up to Celes."Maria!"

"?" Everyone turned to Celes confused. "Neechan...do you lead a double life as an actress?" Kenshin asks.

Why wasn't "sis" fine? Why did you have to weebify the already creepy sibling subtext, you irrepressible Mongoloid!?

"NO!" Celes shouts. "My name's Celes, not Maria!"

"Oh...sorry, man though you could pass for her in a heartbeat." Impresario says. "Oh man I'm in deep shit now."

"What's going on?" Locke asks.

Impresario walked out of the house dropping a letter. "Hmmm..." Kenshin walks up and picks up the letter opening it.

"Locke is a thief." "Oh man, he's got you pegged," gloated Kenshin rather Jewishly.

"Kenshin that's not yours!" Locke says.

"Like you're one to talk about other people's possessions plunder boy!" Kenshin shot back.

And now I hate my own joke. Thanks, fag.

Celes laughed softly and Sabin laughed loudly as Locke hung his head muttering something about annoying demons who need to shut their traps. Kenshin read the letter aloud. "My Dear Maria, I want you to be my wife. I'm coming for you... The Wandering Gambler."

"The wandering gambler?" Sabin says. "Is he running away from debts?"

"No..." Kenshin crumpled up the letter. "He just cleans people out for a living."

And wanders, apparently.

"What's this got to do with us?" Locke asks.

"Everything." Kenshin says. "The Gambler is actually the guy I need to meet with." "He's the owner of the world's only airship."

The fuck do you know?

"Huh?" "You don't mean...?" Celes says.

"Yes...son of a bitch I have to go talk with Setzer and hope he's in the right mood to give us a ride." Kenshin grumbled. "Come on let's head to the Opera House."

Here's my guess: Kenshin beat Setzer at gambling at one point, so Setzer respects him because he also kills people or some shit.


A Couple of hours later.

Opera House.

The group walked inside and Impresario was standing at the door. "Oh you four again!"

"We read the letter man." Locke says. "Setzer's on his way and you know it."

"He'll probably drop in at the climax of the first act." Impresario says. "He always did love a flashy entrance."

Then why not drop in during the actual climax ostensibly later in the play?

"Tell me about it." Kenshin says rolling his eyes. "Maybe we could nab him then?"

"Oh my no!" Impresario says. "You'll ruin the performance and I'll lose my job!"

Kenshin pinched the bridge of his nose. "What do you want to do?" "Potentially lose your lead actress or have a botched performance that could easily be rescheduled."

Assuming Setzer succeeds, those aren't mutually exclusive things. I would imagine a live abduction would be a pretty huge botch for the play.

"You don't understand!" Impresario says. "I've never had a bad performance and I don't plan on starting now!"

Celes walked up to him. "Then you're out of luck."

Impresario sighed and walked away with the group of four following. "How bout we let him nab her?" Locke asks.

Sabin, Kenshin, Celes and Impresario turned to him. "What are you mental?" "How does that help me? !" Impresario says.

"I dunno, but it'd be really funny." Locke chuckles.

"I don't see the logic either." Sabin says.

"You rarely do muscle head." Locke says. "What I'm saying is we can use Celes as a decoy and then the three of us will trail him right to his airship."

Still don't see the logic, considering the airship is an airship.

"What? !" Celes says. "Wait a damned minute!"

"What if something happened to Maria you idiot!" Impresario says.

Kenshin cut him off. "That's why we use the decoy moron." "Maria will be safe."

Yeah, it's a foolproof plan you fucking idiot. You need to learn how to read minds like Kenshin.

"Yeah you said she looks like Maria." Locke says.

"Hang on!" Celes says. "I'm a General! Not some Opera Doll!"

"Celes we really need your help here." Kenshin says. "You only have to make it through the first Act."

Unless he chooses to come in at the actual climax, in which case, haha.

"F-Fine." Celes says storming into the dressing room. The men listen in as she tries singing a few notes before having to clear her throat.

"Ha ha ha ha." "Nice one Celes." Locke says.

Kenshin shook his head smiling. "Jeez." "This is probably gonna be a long shot."

Later they walked into the Opera Hall. Kenshin stretched his arms. "Hey Locke while the intro's going on you wanna go check on Celes?"

Alright, cool. Draconis is actually gonna leave this very important character-defining scene basically like the original, but worse. It's a step up.

"Huh?" Locke asks. "Oh yeah sure." The two get up and leave.

You can tell it's been awhile since I last mocked this thing, what with me giving him the benefit of the doubt.

They walk out of the lower right door and toward the dressing rooms.

"By the way." Kenshin said as they made their way down the right hall.

"Huh?" Locke said.

"Why'd you come after Terra and I?" Kenshin asks. "Everyone else had a concrete reason. Celes is my adoptive sister, Cyan and I have a mutual respect for one another, Gau sees me as his father and Sabin, Banon and Edgar are in the Returners...I mean you are too, but you said you hated imperials."

Everyone in that group hates imperials. You would know this if Draconis didn't flatten their character arcs out with a steamroller.

"Well, you're not an imperial anymore, but...you two were my first friends in awhile...I wander a lot looking for treasure and doing Returner stuff so I didn't tend to keep contact with many people...since..." He shook his head. "Well never mind that, simply put...I consider you two friends of mine, so I wanted to make sure you two were alright."

That's sad. Almost as sad as the whole "dead girlfriend" thing.

"..." Kenshin turned his head up. "...Hum...well thanks man." He said.

Locke jabbed him in the arm smirking. "No problem." They got to the dressing room door and walked in. Celes turned to them wearing a regal white dress with a black bow in her hair, tying it into a curly ponytail.

"Aye yai yai...izzat you?" Locke said redfaced.

"Wow Neechan, you really look good." Kenshin said with a small grin.

I've been on 4chan long enough to know how this scenario ends...

"Uh...thanks..." Celes said.

"Yeah that ribbon...suits you." Locke said walking toward the door.

"Well anyway the show must go on!" Celes said trying to get herself ready to go out on stage. "My scene's coming up."

"Good luck!" Locke said leaving.

"That guy is the one that saved you?" Kenshin said narrowing his eyes wistfully.


having or showing a feeling of vague or regretful longing.

For Locke?

"He's not that bad." Celes said.

"I guess." Kenshin said. "By the way Neechan, it would probably be a good idea to look at the score again real quick."

Well at the time I'm writing this, the score of the GSW-Jazz series is 3-0. Wonder if they'll blow that lead too...

"Right, thanks." Celes said as Kenshin left.

Kenshin caught up with Locke. "You know it's OK to think she's beautiful, but you looked damn near intoxicated by it." He said.

Ordinarily, I'd say this is just desserts for Locke being a prick about Kenshin liking Terra, but until Locke spends half a chapter telling his love interest what love is, Kenshin's not allowed to bitch about his romance arc.

"Shaddap!" Locke said.

"By the way." Kenshin said. "I gotta know...why'd you save Celes?"

You gonna bully him about that too?

Locke stared at him for a moment before sighing. "I've left someone behind once...a friend of mine."

"Don't like doing it I presume?" Kenshin asks.

"Right you are." Locke said.

The two make their way back to their seats and watch as Celes came on the stage.

So here we are. This is the fabled Opera Scene from Final Fantasy VI, probably one of the most well known and regarded audiovisual spectacles of the SNES generation. Rather than bugbear my way through the text below and bitch about what I'm sure is a terrible, unfaithful or underwhelming reenactment, here's the link to it now: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hgZXiHfNt0M

She brought her arms out slightly. "Oh my hero, so far away now. Will I ever, see your smile." "Love goes away, like night into day." "It's just a fading dream..I'm the darkness..." She starts slowly walking across the castle stage floor toward a set of stairs. "...you're the stars, our love is brighter than the sun." She stops in between two support pillars to sing that line and continued her stride. "For eternity, for me there can be...only you, my chosen one." She stops next to the stairs again turning toward the crowd. "Must I forget you? our solemn promise? Will autumn...take place of spring?" She continues striding slowly walking up the stairs. "What shall I do? I'm lost without you...speak to me once more!" She spoke holding her hand over her heart.

"Wow...she's pretty good." Sabin said.

"I concur." Kenshin said with a nod.

Locke just stared, mesmerized by the performance so far.

Celes walked onto the upper balcony of the castle where she was approached by a man garbed in armor wearing a blue cape. "Come Maria! Follow my lead..." She followed the actor playing the character Draco around until a bright shine over took him and a bouquet of flowers took his place. Celes grabbed the flowers and walked up to the top of the balcony with them. "We must part now. My life goes on. But my heart will not give you up." She cast the bouquet over the balcony ledge. "Ere I walk away. Let me hear you say." "I meant as much to you... " "So gently...you touched my heart." "I will be forever yours." "Come what may, I won't age a day." "I'll wait for you, always." A series of fast moving lights shoot downward imitating a shooting star as Celes was approached by another man garbed in black and red armor.

"Prince Ralse is looking for a dance partner." He said. "Leave the past behind, we are adopting the spirit of the east." The scene ends as Celes slowly makes her way down. Another scene starts up after the applause for the aria showing people dancing. Celes danced with a man garbed in red wearing a green powdered wig.

"Nice one Celes." Locke said.

I could once again post the relevant excerpt from the other FFVI Novel fanfic showing how someone who actually cares and puts effort into recreating the scenes from the game does it better, but I won't. Instead, Draconis managed to not completely fuck up, and since that's all I can come to expect from him as a writer, I'll give him a pass.

Kenshin looked up peeling his eyes. "What is it Kenshin?" Sabin asks.

Kenshin turned to him. "I smell octopus." He saw a enveloped letter floating down and I caught it tearing it open.

Did Draconis just slip up and refer to Kenshin as "I?"

It read. "I owe you one, so I'm gonna jam up your opera!- Ultros" His eyes widened. "Son of a bitch!" He got up and looked up as Draco rushed in and began dueling Ralse. He saw Ultros up in the girders with massive four ton weight...right above Celes. "If that hits Celes, she's as good as dead!"

Is Ultros gonna push Draconis onto Celes' head?

Sabin and Locke got up. "What is it?" Locke asks.

"We need to get up to the girders. Neechan's life is in danger." Kenshin said. "Luckily Ultros will need time to get that thing moved." He thought.

"Talk to the man on the right." Impresario said. "He'll help you get up there."

"On it." Locke said taking off to the right with Sabin. Kenshin took off toward the other door. "Where are you going? ! Locke said.

"I know the lay out of this place, just meet me on the stage!" Kenshin said.

Kenshin doesn't strike me as an avid opera goer.

"Right!" Locke said.

Locke and Sabin met the stagehand and explained to him what was happening. "Your friend's already on the other side? Alright flip the right switch then the one closest to it to get to the stage."

Kenshin heard the door unlock and rushed in making it to the girders above the stage. He sprung over them and saw Ultros pushing the weight. "HEY OCTO FUCK!" He shouts springing toward him his right arm transformed.

"UUEHH? !" Ultros roared as Kenshin's hand connected with his face, Kenshin's momentum sending them both flying downward. Kenshin grabbed all eight of the octopi's tentacles and wrapped his legs around themwith Ultros' head facing downward. "Dragon's Descent!"

Remind me how this was better than pushing a four ton weight onto the stage? At least in the original it was supposed to be an accident.

Kenshin and Ultros slammed into the stage knocking Draco and Ralse out cold. Impresario rushed onto the stage. "Disaster! If the hero and the villain are knocked out cold who will win the girl? !"

"Neither!" Locke said sliding down to the stage. "It is I, Locke the premier adventurer will save her!

You literally had one line in this thing, and you fucked it up Locke. No wonder you get bullied.

Aided by my trusty companions!"

"Yeah, we're not doing this." Kenshin and Sabin said.

"Oh come on." Locke said. "It'll be fun."

Kenshin rolled his eyes. "Fine."

"Aided by his trusty companions, the martial artist, Sabin Figaro!" Impresario said enthusiastically as he tried to make the most of his opera being ruined. "And the Demon Ronin of the South, Kenshin Kuroshi!"

Yeah, just give out the names of the people running from the government to the gathered group of uppity white aristocrats. I'm sure that'll go well.

"Silence!" Ultros said. "You fools stand in the presence of octopus royalty! A group of lowborn thugs like you do not stand a chance against me!"

Impresario turned to the orchestra. "Better make the most of this dud." He said. "Music!"

Kenshin unsheathed his nodachi. "It's been awhile Kuroi Jigoku. Let's rock." He charged Ultros stabbing Kuroi Jigoku forward. "Load Spell! Bolt 2!" "Electric Thunder Thrust!" He shouts.

"Kuroi Jigoku" aka Black Hell, which just fits Kenshin's character so well.

"YYYEEEOOWWCH!" Ultros shrieked.

"Aurabolt!" Sabin shouts.

"Dammit." Ultros said sliding back away from Kenshin and Sabin. "Over here!" He said.

Locke charged in looking to steal something from the octopus. Ultros upturned his eyes gleefully. "Level Three Muddle!"

Miniature chocobos danced around Locke's Kenshin's and Sabin's heads. Locke began spinning around with a lost expression on his face until his eyes landed on Kenshin.
"C'mere!" He said reaching for Kenshin's kodachi.

Oh man, Locke tried to grab Kenshin's stuff. I bet ten dollars this won't lead into another joke about him being a thief.

"The hell? !" He shouts taking the kodachi sheathe and all and cracking Locke over the head with it. "Stay away from my Shiroi Tengoku!"

Which means "white heaven," which is absurd even if you didn't know that.

"Sorry!" Locke said rubbing a bump on his head.

"Whatever plunder boy!" Kenshin said.

Looks like I just lost ten dollars. TO MYSELF! HAHAHAHAHAHA
Tch." Sabin shook his head and extended his arms outward, flexing them. "Fire Dance!"

Clones of Sabin danced around the stage, striking at Ultros. "ARGH!"

Locke took a magicite out of his pocket, it was Ramuh's. "Power left behind by an esper's passing...please work for me!" He clutched it in his hand and raised it over head. "Bolt Fist!"

"Whoa!" Kenshin said jumping back as the magicite lit up and Ramuh appeared in front of Locke raising his staff. Arcs of electricity spun around the top of the staff striking Ultros.

Given the spectacle creep inherent in having Kenshin as a protagonist, the whole "summoning a god to fight for you" implements sound pretty mundane.

"Son of a!" Ultros moved forward as Kenshin charged after him. "I ain't no garden variety octopus! Time to turn into an IMP! IMP!"

"Shit!" Kenshin said as green smoke enveloped him.

"Kenshin!" Locke said.

"ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME? !" Kenshin shouts as the smoke clears. He had shrunk a couple of feet and looks like a cross between a frog and a human.

"Catch!" Sabin said tossing Kenshin a Green Cherry.

"Thanks." Kenshin said popping it into his mouth.

You know by this point Bardick had learned to not write his story as strictly bound by the mechanics of the game, which is oddly enough something Draconis was decent enough at not doing up until now. I'm guessing he just really lacked any inspiration for this chapter.
It shows.

He reverted back into his normal form and scowled at Ultros. He stepped forward swinging Kuroi Jigoku at one of Ultros' oncoming tentacle. "Load Spell Fire 2! Blazing Demon Decapitation!"

"AAAHH!" Ultros shouts retracting his tentacle with a burning cut across two of the suction points.

"Sabin!" Kenshin said. "On my mark jump into the air and take him down!"

"Right!" Sabin said.

Kenshin rushed in toward Ultros who sent all his tentacles at him. Kenshin moved his head dodging one. Slid to the right to avoid two and slid under the rest as he got under Ultros kicking him into the air.

"Now!" Kenshin said.

Sabin nods jumping into the air grabbing hold of Ultros with his arms and legs going into a spin both their head's pointing down. "Lotus Slam!" Sabin shouts kicking away at the last second flipping and landing on his feet.

Was that a...ugh. Excuse me.

"Tch, how unlucky. I ain't getting killed here." Ultros said staggering to a standing position, at least for an octopus. "Adios!" He said slithering away.

"Get back here!" Locke shouts. Kenshin extended his arm stopping him. "Leave him."

"Ah ha ha ha ha! Never fought with a crowd before, it's kinda exhilarating." Sabin said.

"Right?" Locke said with a laugh.

"Just a damn minute!" A voice said ringing throughout the opera hall. "What a performance!"

Kenshin narrows his eyes. "That voice.."

An albino man wearing a deep blue coat with gold trimming and worn colonial style clothes. He had a few scars on his face. "I keep my promises music man! The maiden is mine!"

"SETZER!" Kenshin shouts as Setzer absconds with Celes.

Alright, so I'm back from a phone call. It turns out that if you report someone for murdering a work of fiction, the police just laugh at you. I can only blame Donald Trump for this callous disregard by our boys in blue.

"This is him? !" Celes blanched as she was dragged off.

"What a reversal! Thinking she was the wandering trio's queen, Maria has been abducted by Setzer!" Impresario announced." "What fate has in store for her? ! Find out in Part 2!"

"Can the opera story time dammit!" Kenshin said.

"Kenshin Sabin let's move!" Locke said taking off after Setzer.

Well you've already lost the ability to use commas again. Two steps back, every chapter.

"Right!" Sabin and Kenshin shout.

"Hey Kenshin, is there anything you can tell us about this guy?" Locke asks.

"Yeah, he's a world travelin', womanizing, wheelin', dealin', kiss stealin' gambling free spirit. His name is Setzer Gabbani." Kenshin said.




Setzer dragged Celes into the parlor of his airship. "I'll get to you in a minute." He said closing the door and locking it.

Celes tried to break the lock. "Tch, no use...at least I'm out of that stuffy dress."

Which, honestly, ought to have clued Setzer in on the plot. But whatevs.

She walked over toward the engine canopy and found Sabin, Locke and Kenshin waiting. "Come on up, and hurry."

"Right." Locke said taking her hand and climbing out of the engine room. Sabin pulled himself up and Kenshin jumped out. He looked around. "Where's Setzer?"

"He'll be here soon." Celes said.

As if on cue Setzer burst through the door. "What the blue blazing hell is going on here? ! You aren't Maria!"

This part is actually faithfully recreated, so I can't give Draconis shit. I'll just say that I always liked imagining that Setzer went back to doing Setzer things and made the sudden realization.

"For someone who wanted her so badly, you think you'd be able to spot a doppelganger." Kenshin said with a grin. "Can't say I blame you, Neechan did put on a
convincing performance. Hell for a second or two Ithought she was really Maria."

"Aahh Kenshin, long time no see." Setzer said. "Tell me, are you ready to make good on our bet?"

"OH you mean the bet I never agreed to, the one where you get to sleep with that girl I was trying to save?" Kenshin said with an unamused stare. "That bet?"

So Setzer's a rapist. That's cool.

"That would be the one." Setzer said.

"How's about...fuck no." Kenshin said.

"Spoilsport." Setzer said. "Fine I'll drop the damn bet, as long as you take me along when you find a way back to your home world." "Your place sounds like fun and a lot of suckers could be conned out of their cash."

I like the implication that Kenshin told Setzer about his tragic past long before he told any of his friends.

"Not exactly looking right now, but whatever." Kenshin said.

"So what the hell do you want anyway?" Setzer asks.

"I'm going to be frank, we need to go to Vector." Celes said. "We need your airship to do it."

"Well then I'm going to be frank as well." Setzer said turning away. "If you're not Maria I don't want you on here."

There's only room for one blonde on the rape plane.

"Wait!" Celes said. "We were told your airship was the finest in all the world!"

"And that you're a notorious gambler!" Locke said.

"My brother's the king of Figaro. If you assist us you'll be well rewarded." Sabin said.

Setzer turned to Kenshin. "Come here." "You and the voluptuous blonde."

Voluptuous is just a nice way of saying "fat."

Celes fumed, but did so nonetheless. Setzer sighed. "Don't misunderstand me, I'm still not sure I'll help you.

Later the group found themselves next to Setzer's poker table. "Whew...the empire's really made me a rich man."

"I'm just glad you finished your sentence," someone, I dunno, Sabin, said.

Celes scoffed. "Stop thinking of yourself. Many towns and villages have been decimated by the Vectorian Empire."

Yeah, like Miranda, which Celes burned down.

"Yeah and they're totally rotten to the core!" Locke said. "They're using magic to enslave the whole world!"

"Look at it this way...the way things are going...the Empire owns you." Sabin Banksy said.

"You know what they do with people they don't need, right?" Kenshin said.

"The empire...evil?" Setzer said softly.

"We all hate the Vectorian Empire for the same reasons...that's why..." Celes said.

"You know, you're even more stunning that Maria." Setzer said.

Alright, let's not get carried away.

"? ? ?" Celes was baffled by the declaration.

Setzer walks to Celes' left. "If you, Celes become my wife then..."

"WHAT? ! ARE YOU STUPID? !" Locke shouts stepping in between them.

Did the images of dead kids in the Congo resurface in your memories, Locke?

(sigh) "We don't have a choice." Celes said.

Kenshin walked up to her side. "Hey Setzer, you're a betting man aren't you?"

"Yes I am." Setzer said.

"OK then." Kenshin said taking a deck of cards out of his pocket. "Highest card wins." "If I win, you help us no questions asked. If you win...you get Celes."

"Dude that's your sister!" Locke said.

I doubt that's stopped him before.

"Accepted." Celes said.

"Oho? ! Alright then!" Setzer said. Setzer cut the deck and looked at the card on the very bottom. "Ha ha! A Queen!"

Kenshin grabbed all, but the last card of the deck. "...Oh my..."

"Hmm? !" Setzer said. "You lost, you lost didn't you, You had to of!"

"Had to have." Just because you're a real life rapist doesn't mean it's okay to be a grammatical rapist.

He said with a giddy undertone. "Why else would you be hesitating!"

Kenshin sighed. "Well Celes...I guess..."

"Oh god." Celes sighed.

Kenshin grinned. "Be remaining single." He said revealing the bottom card on the deck to be a King.

"WHAT? !" Setzer shouts.

I'm sorry, was anyone reading this REALLY fooled into thinking that Kenshin had lost? This was such an obvious set up trope, any suspense was just ruined.

"I had you beat the moment you announced your card." Kenshin said. "I've never shuffled this deck and memorized each and every card's position." "You announced your card and all I had to do was find the one to beat it."

"Nice one Kenshin!" Locke said.

Yeah, I guess I'm glad Kenshin's weapon-grade autism became useful even once.

"Why did you memorize the cards?" Sabin said.

"Boredom." Kenshin shrugged.

"Ah." Sabin said.

Haha, suck my fucking dick, dude.

"How very underhanded." Setzer said before laughing. "I love it!" "Alright then you got me, I've got nothing to lose, but my life!"

I could have an essay about the substitution of a coin for cards and how it loses the meaning behind the...stuff. But yeah. It doesn't matter. I just hate him.


En Route to the Southern Continent.

Everyone was standing on the deck of the ship. "Man this unwieldy looking ship really flies. Could it crash?"

"When they do, they do." Setzer said. "All a matter of fate."

"Or some malfunctioning parts." Kenshin said rolling his eyes.

Setzer glared comically at Kenshin. "My way sounded better."

It certainly did when Ted Woolsey wrote it rather than a pubescent Devil Wears Prada fan.

"My way made more sense." Kenshin retorted.

"Look this flying boat is gonna stick out like a sore thumb. We better land a distance away." Locke said.

Setzer nodded. "Right, I had better stay behind in case of an emergency."

Just don't go near the Vectorian girls, you scoundrel.

Slowly a large castle made of steel came into view. "Kenshin." Celes said.

"I know Celes..." Kenshin said.

"Is that it?" Sabin asks.

"Yeah, feast your eyes boys." Kenshin said as more of the castle came into focus. "That is the capital of the Southern Continent, Cornerstone of the Vectorian Empire and the home of Emperor Gesthal himself. That is...Vector."

"Bet I could lift it." Sabin says, flexing.

(Chapter end)

Draconis: After a long ass hiatus I decided to finish this chapter.

Kenshin: My god man.

Locke: Seriously I thought you were discontinuing for a moment.

That would've been too kind.

Draconis: Yeah Yeah whatever.

Anyway, sorry for the long wait. Hope you enjoyed.

Nope, and never try again.

Draconis678 out

You know I decided in a sheer bout of curiosity and ego to reread a few chapters of A Step Onto Chronos. The two stories are fairly similar, although the authors are like night and day. Bardick has this whimsical fantasy attitude to everything he did, which ended up terribly because his imagination was spent on repurposing anime characters and lines from Star Trek. Ultimately though he was just happy to include himself in the plot of Chrono Trigger and wanking himself off on that plot. Draconis on the other hand, paints any sort of plot element here by the numbers, except when Kenshin is involved. It's very clear that he doesn't actually care about the storyline going on, except as it pertains to the story he wants to tell about Kenshin's dimension crossing to form his fanfic metaverse. Anything interesting that happens in the game is irrelevant.

Bardick's style is far more fun to mock, if partly because he understood the value of brevity. I have mocked something like 40-50,000 words in this fic ten chapters in, whereas the entirety of Step Onto Chronos' 28 chapters was 80,000 words. It's also a matter that Draconis is pretty much every moody teen stereotype wrapped up into one package, and Kenshin as his avatar is the edgiest, most obnoxious addition to any already perfect story ever. How the hell any fan of this game could think this is an improvement is out of my comprehension. Bardick just wanted a fantastical wankfest, whereas Draconis seems to want that, except he's clearly not into the story he's trying to rip off.

I don't think I want to quit this, but I definitely want to do anything else right now. In other words,

Ryuushin sighs. "Whatever."

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 16th August 2017 - 05:29 AM