My Assistant
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#1
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 25 2007, 03:58 AM
The funny thing is when reviewing a Jennifer Diane Reitz webcomic is that one bad word and her and her fans will be after you. Since I have yet to get an angry e-mail from the creators and/or fans of the other three comics I’ve bashed, I might have a chance to get out of this unscratched. Though I like to think the girl in the wonderfully mature response comic Brew (creator of Shredded Moose) did is supposed to be me and I’d like to thank him for not making me look like an Orc and the fact that the redhead in the strip is probably the most realistic-looking woman the artist has ever done. Anyway, to save JDR some time, I decided to write the angry forum post she would probably write the second she found out that I wasn’t going to kiss her ass while I write my review. (Kinda kill two birds with one stone.)
It never amazes me the amount of jealous, hateful people out there, but one so-called “person”, Yaoi Huntress Earth, would be their evil, vile queen. Her screeching, hateful review of my labor of love, Unicorn Jelly proves that she lacks the brains to understand the complex fruit-flavored layers of the story. Unicorn Jelly is a philosophical and metaphorical science fiction story with a definitive beginning and ending that requires at least an IQ of 120 to get, which we all know Ms. Huntress probably does not have. I bet she’s one of those Mensa members who rejected my strong creative spirit because I scared them—I mean they were just too snotty and self-important. Oh yes, Unicorn Jelly sure is complex. It starts of as a cutesy wanna-be Japanese story about a witch named Lupiko and her monster companion (Unicorn Jelly), a Jelly with a unicorn horn and tail, only to go into downward spiral in an attempt to be an epic, philosophical tale that could kick the crap out of Dune. While it’s not impossible to start off silly and then do a 360 into mature epicville (Dave Sim succeeded in this before he went nuts), UJ fails at it. It’s normal for any writer to want to be recognized as the next Harlan Ellison, Edgar Allen Poe, Shakespeare or whoever is one of the great minds of your chosen genre but we eventually learn that we can’t be a clone of our idols and have to find our own voice. That and being smart is like being cute or a badass, the real ones don’t need to prove anything because they already are and there’s no amount of effort that can be used without looking like a poser. I’ll give JDR credit for putting a lot of thought into the physics and science of her world and the cute idea of having side segments that explain it, but they often come off as boring and even with these segments the comic is often bogged down with mass scientific explanation at the expense of the story. Not to mention some of the ideas were not very good to begin with like the bosom sow and the fact that unicorn piss is what made the title character into what he is today. And how dare she rip my precious children apart. Lupiko, Chou, Thilia, and all the others are simple, innocent outcasts trying to learn and grow in my labor of love that I ad-libbed the entire way because planning is for patriarchal mundanes like her. She’s such an idiot that she actually needs a reason to like a character and not just because they were touched with the divine magic of the Creatrix (which is me). The truly intelligent know automatically when someone is supposed to be liked because they are the hero of the story and can use their imagination to fill in the gaps where other stupider authors would waste time with characterization. Thinking and imagination just do not go along together. No ifs, ands, or buts about it. Look at the bosom sow and ask yourself if that’s a product of divine intervention by a beloved and honored muse or some boring person’s result of thinking the concept through and trying to make it work with the story? The characters aren’t any better. It’s not that they crawled from the depths of “The Big Book of Unlikable Console RPG Stereotypes”; they’re just dull and uninteresting. Not to mention many of the characters tend to have personality changes and behaviors that don’t seem to match the bios. Thilia is supposed to be irrelevant and witty, but I didn’t really see any instances or lines of dialogue that betray this. It’s like JDR is using the bios as an excuse to not have to write more for the characters than she wants to. Combined with the horrid art (more on that later), it becomes harder and harder to tell the characters apart later in the series as she piles more of them in. According to the bios, these are supposed to be wonderful, three-dimensional characters, but far too often they come off as story props. Take Chou who’s supposed to be the coldly logical Spock-like character who comes off more as the player in a table top game that read the adventure module ahead of time and is giving out the important clues to the other players and there’s not a damn thing the DM can do about it except attempt to fudge some dice rolls in hope that the character gets mauled by a Kobald. Or Texto, a delightfully sadistic agent who loved screwing with the heads of everyone around him and for a while was the only character I could’ve liked, slowly degrades into wuss territory when JDR has the brilliant idea of turning him good. A man who finds great joy in causing the suicides of grieving mothers and turning piss-filled Jellies into desserts isn’t going to mope about never truly knowing love and hate or accept the request of someone who killed his partner in crime just because he suddenly respects him. As for Texto, evil people (like my tyrannical father or Stephen when he thought paying the bills was more important than my wonderful game) are incapable of love. That’s why I had to turn him into a wuss—I mean good. Speaking of evil, Ms Huntress, you are also a hypocrite. Your name has yaoi in it, but how dare you don’t like the gay relationship I threw in to show how much better and purer gays are (second only to transsexuals like myself) than those desert religion straight relationships that the breeders like to shove down our throats. The ancient Romans knew this and so does my perfect, kawaii, overly glamorized ideal of Japan so get it into your head! I know, I know the world is going to explode because I didn’t like something that had man-smut in it. I may be a pervert, but even I have standards. While it’s nice that JDR included a gay couple, but it wasn’t handled very well. Even the few gay people I know don’t act all cutesy and 1950's domestic in their spare time, hell, even those ultra girly mangas where the guys look like chicks and weep more than a five-year-old when they found out Mr. Hooper died are more manly. And don’t worry lady-lovers JDR has found a way to ruin your fantasies as well. While she thankfully never drew a side scene of Lupiko and Thilia doing the poorly drawn deed of darkness, it’s wonderfully tossed in with no warning to any of us. Lupiko suddenly gains feelings for the supposed Elf when there has been no evidence of any kind of romantic tension and two hardly talked to each other. And before anyone starts screaming love at first sight, we’re not even given that. Come on, JDR you can just draw some crudely doodled hearts over Lupiko’s head as she gazes at the old-looking witch and ties her to that ship. The deepest cut of all comes from the verbal knife as it digs into the tendons of my artistic spirit. My use of the ancient – but very powerful- DOS based paint program, “DPaint2” is like an original, special jewel that is my labor of love. My old school style is a unique snowflake that is a specialized style where I can change the very essence of my character with just a few pixels. Ah yep, JDR definitely has got a style going here: melty-faced people, eyes that look like licorice jellybeans or anuses, dialogue that dominates the entire panel, confusing background "screentones", and enough naked little girls to make Bleedman proud. (If you’re wondering, Lupiko counts since she’s still in her teens.) And when her characters cry, god, they look hideous. This is probably the part where JDR or one of her fans will scream that I should use my imagination when telling the characters apart, but let me tell you something, webcomics and Atari graphics are not the same thing. At least they had an excuse for their pixels looking like a child’s drawings. There are supposed to be about three races (Elves, Orcs, and Humans), but god forbid you can tell the races apart since they’re the same crudely drawn mess as everyone else and you hardly see examples of the other races. I know I might’ve not gotten JDR’s personality a 100% down, but that would be the equivalent of when Psycho Mantis looked too far into that serial killer’s mind. And I have no intention of going insane, wearing a gas mask and joining FOXHOUND no matter how cool Hideo Kojima thinks the English version of my voice sounds. This post has been edited by Yaoi Huntress Earth: Oct 25 2007, 04:01 AM -------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#2
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![]() Kuhahahaha! ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 16,329 Joined: 25-July 05 Member No.: 18 Gender: Male |
Oct 25 2007, 08:49 PM
JDR's a fuckin' loon. I'd say more, but then I wouldn't have material for the CR article on Pastel whatever. I'll just say the guy is off his god damn rocker in every way he possibly can be. I don't think the man has ever said or done anything that wasn't batshit insane. Not a damn thing. Everything he says and does is "crazy crazy crazy crazy WHOO-HU-HU HA-HA!"
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#3
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 25 2007, 11:04 PMQUOTE (Shmeckie @ Oct 25 2007, 10:49 PM) JDR's a fuckin' loon. I'd say more, but then I wouldn't have material for the CR article on Pastel whatever. I'll just say the guy is off his god damn rocker in every way he possibly can be. I don't think the man has ever said or done anything that wasn't batshit insane. Not a damn thing. Everything he says and does is "crazy crazy crazy crazy WHOO-HU-HU HA-HA!" JDR is truely one of the greatest human train wrecks in all of history and worth an article itself. I'm definately looking forward to your review of PDH (I can't even understand what's going on in that comic.) -------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#4
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![]() She Of Many Icons ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Members Posts: 599 Joined: 24-May 07 From: DAY-TWAH Member No.: 133 Gender: Female |
Oct 26 2007, 01:02 AM
That guy actually threw in some random lesbians? Huh. Why do I feel like JDR has never been in a real relationship, nor crawled out from his comfortable cushion of empty ramen boxes, Lipton green tea cans, Chinese take-out boxes(delivered of course), Pocky crumbs, his Hentai subscriptions, enough Shojo manga to make Barnes&Noble cry, and his own semen long enough to have actually seen a real relationship?
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#5
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 26 2007, 01:48 AMQUOTE (Yaoi Fairy @ Oct 26 2007, 03:02 AM) That guy actually threw in some random lesbians? Huh. Why do I feel like JDR has never been in a real relationship, nor crawled out from his comfortable cushion of empty ramen boxes, Lipton green tea cans, Chinese take-out boxes(delivered of course), Pocky crumbs, his Hentai subscriptions, enough Shojo manga to make Barnes&Noble cry, and his own semen long enough to have actually seen a real relationship? Believe it or not JDR actually is part of a group marriage consisting of a woman, another transexual and a long-suffering male friend. (Blame the Portal of Evil and this webpost on my knowledge.) -------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#6
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![]() Kuhahahaha! ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 16,329 Joined: 25-July 05 Member No.: 18 Gender: Male |
Oct 26 2007, 07:14 AM
I don't think any of the women in that pretend marriage are women, actually. They're all men with inside-out penises they pretend are vaginas.
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#7
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 26 2007, 12:45 PMQUOTE (Shmeckie @ Oct 26 2007, 09:14 AM) I don't think any of the women in that pretend marriage are women, actually. They're all men with inside-out penises they pretend are vaginas. Women or not, I'm just happy they never spawned. -------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#8
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![]() The Great I Am ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Members Posts: 1,769 Joined: 9-October 07 From: Somewhere in Cognito Member No.: 154 Gender: Male |
Oct 26 2007, 02:21 PM
I'm going to make it my personal prerogative to ban the phrase "inside-out penis"
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#9
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![]() Flipping the fuck out ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Members Posts: 4,133 Joined: 29-June 07 Member No.: 140 Gender: Female |
Oct 27 2007, 03:03 PMQUOTE And don’t worry lady-lovers JDR has found a way to ruin your fantasies as well. While she thankfully never drew a side scene of Lupiko and Thilia doing the poorly drawn deed of darkness, it’s wonderfully tossed in with no warning to any of us. Lupiko suddenly gains feelings for the supposed Elf when there has been no evidence of any kind of romantic tension and two hardly talked to each other. And before anyone starts screaming love at first sight, we’re not even given that. Come on, JDR you can just draw some crudely doodled hearts over Lupiko’s head as she gazes at the old-looking witch and ties her to that ship. ...That's just fucked up. It almost makes me ashamed of my sexual preference. Does this give me ample reason to kill this guy and plead insanity for it? -------------------- "Ye cats, those televangelists from the '90s were right all along!"
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#10
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 27 2007, 05:40 PMQUOTE (Mysty @ Oct 27 2007, 05:03 PM) ...That's just fucked up. It almost makes me ashamed of my sexual preference. Does this give me ample reason to kill this guy and plead insanity for it? I think the bossom pig is reason enough alone. -------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#11
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![]() What, me worry!? ![]() Group: Admin Posts: 10,659 Joined: 24-July 05 From: Maim Street, U.S.A. Member No.: 1 Gender: Male |
Oct 27 2007, 05:58 PM
I'll never get tired of hearing people stomp down that atrocious tripshit pixel comic... It's such a refreshing change of pace from all the pretentious Philosophy majors who drone on and on about how it's some brilliant work of art. What a nauseatingly pretentious pile of shit.
I think this is my favorite Guest Comic Release you've done so far, YHE. You touched on pretty much everything I've always disliked about that comic and made me laugh a few times in the process. And damn, you certainly did your homework on this one. I've heard stories about the author of this thing in the past, but I had no idea he was that much of a fruitcake... Knowing that he is really makes me happy, though. -------------------- |
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#12
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 28 2007, 12:10 AMQUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Oct 27 2007, 07:58 PM) I'll never get tired of hearing people stomp down that atrocious tripshit pixel comic... It's such a refreshing change of pace from all the pretentious Philosophy majors who drone on and on about how it's some brilliant work of art. What a nauseatingly pretentious pile of shit. Knowing that he is really makes me happy, though. I'm so glad you liked it. I can't believe there's people that actually think this train wreck is such a deep, brilliant peice of art. I can understand her butt-kissing fans (especally the diaper-wearing Alfador), but god. I think they're just afraid that people will call them a dum-dum for not seeing the supposed brillance of the series. Say, I'm thinking of going after another overrated webcomic called Dominic Deegan next. -------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#13
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![]() Kuhahahaha! ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 16,329 Joined: 25-July 05 Member No.: 18 Gender: Male |
Oct 28 2007, 06:46 AM
No! I call that one!
QUOTE (Mysty @ Oct 27 2007, 07:03 PM) ...That's just fucked up. It almost makes me ashamed of my sexual preference. Does this give me ample reason to kill this guy and plead insanity for it? ...You're a lesbian? -------------------- |
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#14
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 28 2007, 01:57 PMQUOTE (Shmeckie @ Oct 28 2007, 08:46 AM) Ok, you can have Dominic Deegan. I look forward to seeing you shred that one. (Say you're not planning to do Questionable Content are you?) -------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#15
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![]() Kuhahahaha! ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 16,329 Joined: 25-July 05 Member No.: 18 Gender: Male |
Oct 28 2007, 07:29 PM
No, go right ahead.
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#16
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![]() In the name of the moon ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 10,337 Joined: 30-November 06 From: MO Member No.: 125 Gender: Female |
Oct 29 2007, 01:13 AM-------------------- "Bad times don't last, but bad guys do."-Scott Hall
Yes, I'm one of those. |
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#17
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![]() She Of Many Icons ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Members Posts: 599 Joined: 24-May 07 From: DAY-TWAH Member No.: 133 Gender: Female |
Oct 29 2007, 03:26 AM
Sharing is caring.
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#18
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![]() Flipping the fuck out ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Members Posts: 4,133 Joined: 29-June 07 Member No.: 140 Gender: Female |
Oct 29 2007, 03:29 AM-------------------- "Ye cats, those televangelists from the '90s were right all along!"
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#19
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![]() Kuhahahaha! ![]() Group: Moderators Posts: 16,329 Joined: 25-July 05 Member No.: 18 Gender: Male |
Oct 29 2007, 07:34 AM-------------------- |
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#20
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![]() Flipping the fuck out ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() ![]() Group: Members Posts: 4,133 Joined: 29-June 07 Member No.: 140 Gender: Female |
Oct 29 2007, 10:35 AM-------------------- "Ye cats, those televangelists from the '90s were right all along!"
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