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> High School Sweet Hearts: Second Blood, Bible Babies, we make our dreams come truuue~!
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post Apr 26 2016, 09:18 AM
(Turns his baseball cap around to show that he's a hip cat up who means well)

Hey, kids! It's your old buddy, Truthordeal, yet again. The other day I discovered this neat-o book in my local library, and I just wanted to take a moment and rap about it with my homies. It's called: The Bible.

A couple years ago, I started mocking a fanfic I found on here wherein the Virgin Mary and her friends went to high school and did high school people things. It was just as stupid as it sounds and it was really perfect mocking fodder. The problem I ran into was that as I was about six chapters in, the author finished the story and then went back to rewrite it. What she made wasn't any better written, more polished, or anything like that, but she changed up details in the story that made what I had mocked obsolete and what came after would be a jumbled mess. I could either redo the six chapters I did, or I could not. I chose the latter and ended the mock.

But now I'm back...for revenge.

You see, nothing that the author, formerly known as HeartoftheWind007 and now known as Jyoti, does is offensive to me in the normal sense. But the premise is so absurd that it's the type of thing you would expect to see only in a trollfic. It's the “haha, can you imagine” gag done completely straight, and it's just baffling how seriously the author takes it at times. Despite personally being an atheist, I like religion enough to want to study it as a full time career. I have studied the lives and careers of people who's entire existence was dominated by their faith, and none of them seem to have Jesus on the brain as much as our author does.

Now, with that in mind, I feel that I have to finish what I started, and I don't care how many lives it costs.

High School Sweet Hearts, by HeartoftheWind007/Jyoti

A Jesus H. Christ Production.

Author's Note: Hello! This is a new story that I've come up with, it's kind of weird but I couldn't put it out of my head so here it is lol.

lololol everything I do is an atrocity lol

In this story, Melissa is Mary Magdalene's mother, just so you know. I hope you enjoy, if not, sorry!

Not good enough. I demand reparations and an audience with the The Hague.

Note: Before you read this, I just want to say that I am in NO way, trying to rewrite the bible. This is purely FICTOIN. I know that this is not what happened in the Bible, and I would never try to rewrite God's word. His word is so holy and so pure and so hilarious, I have no reason to rewrite it, and no desire to.

High School Sweet Hearts

High School: Chapter 1

Mary took a look at herself in the small mirror. She sighed, not knowing what to do with her hair on the first day of school. She didn't want to look like she was trying to hard. Saying a small prayer to the Lord, she ran a finger through her long, curly, light brown hair. She put on a brown dress which covered her entire body, and then brushed her teeth.

When you say “a dress that covered her entire body,” this is the first thing that comes to mind:

and I don't know that Jesus would be too happy about that.

Seeing that she had extra time, she began reading her Torah when her she was interrupted by her mother's voice.

"Mary! Time for breakfast." She shouted in a bit of a cheerful tone.

"Coming mother!" She called, closing her book and heading downstairs. She gave her mother and father a kiss on the cheek and they smiled.

"Off to work already?" Mary asked, turning her attention to her father who was already grabbing his bags.

Damn, Mary's Dad, can't you at least wait until AFTER the kids are at school?

He nodded, "Yes, I got a new job as a carpenter, it's not the best but it pays enough money to get us through this year. Goodbye you guys." And with that he was out the door.

"So are you ready for your first day of high-school Mary?" Her mother asked in a light tone.

Mary turned her attention back to her mother, "Oh yes, I'm just really hoping that I'll get into that Tankah class by the next semester."

Shows how far behind you are. My little brother plays with Tankah trucks and he's in Kindergarten!

Her mother laughed and gave her a kiss on the cheek, "That's a good girl."

She then pointed to a picture of Cruella DeVille, saying “that's a bad girl.”

After breakfast Mary waved goodbye to her mother, and made her way out the house. She met up with her best friend Joseph. They had been friends since they were 4 years old, but lately she had been feeling something more for him, though she would never admit it out loud. They walked together and talked about their summer, their favorite Bible verses, and just anything in general.

I particularly enjoyed Ezekiel 25:17, up until I found out that Samuel L. Jackson was a lying bitch.

Before they knew it, they were already at school. Elizabeth ran over to her and pulled her into a tight hug, practically crushing the brown haired girl.

"Elizabeth, I can't breathe!" Mary laughed and Elizabeth let her go,

Racist ass Mary over here mocking Eric Garner. Shame on both of you. Go straight to hell.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I've just missed you so much this summer! How has everything been?"

"It's been really good actually!" Mary answered. Elizabeth was not only her best friend, but also her cousin. She was older than her by two years so as of now she was a senior. However, Mary was so advanced in her classes that she had plenty of classes with Elizabeth, which she was grateful for because she loved her cousin.

And in some states, that's not looked down upon. Roll tide!

"Hey, I'm going to go meet up with a few of my friends Mary. I'll see you around?" He smiled, and Mary nodded, "Y-yeah of course. Bye!"

"So, how is everything with you and Joseph?" Elizabeth teased, a smirk on her face.

"We're just friends Elizabeth." Mary rolled her eyes into the back of her head while spouting Satanic-sounding gibberish.

Fun activity to do with your kids: Every time the phrase “just friends” is uttered, let's all grab the nearest jug of Clorox and start chugging. If we're really good, we can make it look like a ritualistic suicide.

"Well it's clear you two like each other." Elizabeth pushed, "Why don't you just go over there, flip your hair and say, hey you, I like you." She chuckled, flipping her jet black, straight hair in the process.

Mary rolled her eyes but laughed, "Oh gosh. Have you been watching those teen movies again Elizabeth?"

The author laughed nervously, hoping no one who read this was capable of understanding irony.

Also, it's sometime BC when this is all taking place. Unless this Alternate Universe (god I hate the phrase so much) involves Jesus being born around the twentieth century, why do movies exist?

Elizabeth laughed and playfully shoved her cousin, "Hey! Those movies are really good."

I could add in a snarky snidely remark about the state of teen movies, but I did enjoy Mean Girls.

Before they could say anymore they saw Melissa Magdalene talking to the most popular guy in the school, Zechariah. Zechariah was very popular because he was involved in sports and he helped out in the community. He was also a senior, and he wanted to make the most of his senior year. Mary could see that Elizabeth was getting upset with the two of them talking.

How dare that manwhore Zechariah talk to people?! Just another indication of the downfall of society...

It wasn't a secret that Elizabeth liked Zechariah, or maybe even loved him. It seemed as if he liked her too but she was unsure.

Melissa noticed Elizabeth was upset, and she couldn't hide the smirk on her face. Melissa had strong disliking for Elizabeth since seventh grade because she was always the girl who got all the friends, and who seemed to get all the attention.

You know, there are like, three commandments dealing with coveting. You really should read the Bible at some point, Elizabeth.

Melissa was only a year younger than Elizabeth, so she was a junior at school. She always felt insecure around her, but once she started to braid her hair and put on some makeup, she noticed how much more attention she received...of course it was always from the sinful guys at the school.

Sinful guys, aka, non-eunuchs.

She strutted her way over to Elizabeth and Mary, playing with her long, light brown hair. Her eyeliner and foundation was done perfectly, and although they had a dress code at the school, Melissa's outfit was certainly not ankle length, but knee length!

I bet that slut has eye slots in her hajib!

"Well look at who we have here, the two saints of Temple High."

Alright now, let's leave Temple out of this kerfluffle. They've had a bad year, let them be.

Melissa smirked, "How are you Elizabeth? Seems like Zechariah hasn't taken a notice to you yet has he? But you are the most popular girl in school right? So you should be able to win him over. Unless of course someone else gets to him."

I thought Melissa was supposed to be the most popular girl in school because she acted slightly less wholesome than the rest of the Amish mafia here.

"Oh please Melissa why don't you just back off and go ruin someone else's day? Elizabeth spat and Mary looked at the two girls with concerned eyes. This feud between them had been going on for two long.

"Look, I just came to give you a fair warning. Zechariah's not interested in you, alright? So just back up. I guess you don't get everything you want." Melissa snickered, and Elizabeth fell silent.

Pratfell silent, to be specific. Those mime classes were really paying off dividends for tense situations such as these.

She then looked to Mary, "And what about you little miss innocent? Why don't you scram already? This is no child's conversation."

"Well it's certainly not a mature one. I'm not one to pass judgement, I'll let the Lord handle that. But I mean, aren't you a junior? I just thought you'd be a little more mature." Mary stated, forcing Melissa to fall silent this time, "Come on Elizabeth, let's go."

Wow. You're kind of a condescending dick, Mary.

They walked passed the pretty girl who didn't even know what to say. She had never been silenced this way.

I bet her parents will beat her for getting smacked down that bad.

"Don't let her get to you Elizabeth." Mary said, trying to comfort her friend.

"What if they really do end up going out?" Elizabeth asked with a worried tone. She truly loved Zechariah, she felt it in her heart, and to hear that he could be with another girl, especially a girl like Melissa, it hurt.

"I doubt that would ever happen. Come on, this is your last year here. It's time to live it up. Everything will be fine."

Just don't live it up too much, Elizabeth, lest you become one of those “sinful” girls who has the audacity to show her kneecaps in public.

Mary said in a comforting tone as they made their way to their first period class.

These chapters are shorter than I remember.

Double header? Yeee.


Author's Note: So here is the second chapter. In this story, I'm going to kind of make most of the students become parents of some of the bible characters in the New Testament if that makes sense. Take for example, how I made Melissa Magdalene, Mary Magdalene's mother. I'm going to have Martha's mother: Bethany, and Luke's father: Genesis.

As in Luke the Physician? Supposed Gospel author Luke? I guess you can name his father whatever you want, since we don't really know much about him anyway, but Genesis would've been an anachronism even in BC Whatever Year this takes place.

Confession: Chapter 2

Mary and Elizabeth checked their schedules. They had practically all of their classes together expect English, History, and Torah class.

So like, less than half of their classes, then.

Nevertheless they were happy, and they noticed that they even had lunch together.

"Not too bad am I right?" Elizabeth questioned Mary, and she nodded, then smiled, "How we have practically all the same classes, I'm not sure. Speaking of which, why exactly do you have Geometry right now?"

Because that's when it was scheduled? I don't know.

Elizabeth let out a nervous laugh, "I guess you can say, I'm not exactly the best student when it comes to math literally anything."

They entered the class just seconds before the bell rang. Elizabeth and Mary noticed a few familiar faces in the class. There was Joseph, Zechariah, Bethany, and Genesis.

No, I take back what I said. You can't just name your character Genesis. It's too stupid. I am legally changing his name to “Pikachu” out of spite, because you seem like the type of person who'd think Pokemon was Satanic.

They all took a seat somewhere, of course, Mary took a seat next to Elizabeth. They were best friends but some people claimed that they were a little too attached.

The teacher was an elderly man with snowy white hair, and wrinkles on his face. His bushy eyebrows made an arch as he wrote on the chalk board, "Welcome to Geometry class students. My name is Mr. Habai, you can address me as this and nothing else. If you call me anything else, I am just going to snap. The rules in my class are as follows, no talking while I'm talking, show respect to everyone, always do your work..." He seemed to go on and on with his rules until he was finally finished, "Now, open your books to page 1 and we will begin are first lesson on geometric shapes."

”This is a triangle.”

“y iz math so harddd!” Elizabeth shouted, flipping over her desk and shitting on the floor.

As everyone began opening their books, Mary stole a few glances at Joseph. Her heart raced with each look and she couldn't describe the feeling she felt at the moment. She knew that he was older than her, and this would be his last year at the school but she couldn't help but like him. At one point he caught her looking at him and he smiled, forcing a small wave of heat to rise up to her cheek. She looked back to her book and finally began to follow the instructions on the board.

I thought they were getting a lecture on shapes?

"Ooh, Mary, I saw that,." Elizabeth teased, and Mary tried to stop the heat from rising to her cheeks,

"Does he want us to write the terms and definitions?" Mary asks, trying to ignore her cousins taunting voice.

"Come on Mary, you know that you like him. And yes, we have to copy all the bold words," she replied, a small smile on her face.

Man, you guys are breaking Mr. Haggai's rules. I'm gonna tell.

"He's a senior Elizabeth. That's kind of a big age difference," she mentioned, and Elizabeth rolled her eyes at this, "So, a lot of people get married to people who are older."

Especially in your day and age when marriages were arranged and women were seen and not heard, especially in Mr. Habbakuk's class.

"I know but we're just-"

"Quiet down and continue writing the definitions," the teacher hissed, looking straight at Elizabeth and Mary who listened obediently.

Everyone thank Mr. Hoobastank for intercepting an obvious bleach-drinking moment.

For the remainder of the time they continued the boring geometry assignment. Elizabeth turned just in time to see Melissa whisper something in Zechariah's ear. She groaned a little, knowing that Melissa was doing it on purpose.

That's a terrible thing to assume. For all you know she was just murmuring words to herself and accidentally whispered in his ear.

When the bell rang, the teacher collected all of the assignments, "Ok, there's no homework today but make sure you study. You'll be receiving a test tomorrow to see how much you know about math in general."

The class groaned as they got their bags and exited the room.

Yeah, it's just not fair that the teacher has to assess everyone's mathematical knowledge before teaching further. Not that it'll take long considering these brain dead dipshits don't know their shapes.

Mary waited patiently for Elizabeth, who was still staring at Zechariah. She waved a hand in front of her face, "You alright?Can't see me!"

"Um, yeah. Look, I'll walk you to your Torah class tomorrow. I have to talk to Zechariah about something," Elizabeth stated, not even bothering to look Mary's way.

Mary shrugged her shoulders at Elizabeth, "Alright, well I'll see you later."

Elizabeth waved in her direction. As she left she heard Mary say, "Hey Joseph wait up!" She laughed at this, then nervously made her way to Zechariah, "Hey uh, can I talk to you?" she asked.

”No.” [canned laughter]

"Sure, no problem. You want to walk to class together?" he said in a calm tone.

"Sure...hm, that's surprising though. I thought maybe you'd want to walk with Melissa," Elizabeth replied in a bitter tone. She knew jealousy was a sin but she couldn't help herself.

Zechariah gave her a smirk and then started to laugh.

"Wow, I guess I'm some kind of joke then right?" Elizabeth replied, taking his laughter as a bad sign. She started to pick her pace up, walking fast than usual so that she could get away and head to her history class. She felt embarrassed, maybe he didn't really like her like she thought he did. Maybe he only saw them as friends.

Can you blame him? You just asked him to walk with you, then when he did you got upset. Most people probably wouldn't want to even be friends at the rate you're going.

Zachariah's smirk faded and grew into a frown as he tried to keep up with her, "Elizabeth wait up, wait.." he grabbed her arm and sighed, "Relax alright. I wasn't trying to be mean. I just thought you knew me a little better. Melissa and I are just friends."

You know, like everyone in this story.


Elizabeth scoffed.

"Ok not even friends...more like acquaints. She just talks to me sometimes it's no big deal," he said, and Elizabeth looked to the ground, blushing at their closeness, "Alright, I believe you."

”Well you shouldn't have, because you just got Punk'd!” Ashton Kutcher shouted, making sure the various cameras captured all of Elizabeth's humiliation.

"Good, now let's get to class before we're both late." Zechariah smirked, as they walk to their history class together.


ALRIGHT ALRIGHT! I'll never question your love for Jesus again, just put that away!

Mary took a seat in class next to her friend Bethany.

"I'm so excited for this class," Bethany smiled.

"Yeah, me too," Mary agreed, smiling back to her friend Bethany. Bethany was a pretty girl with dark red hair and blue eyes. She was nice, smart, and very active when it came to clubs.

Specifically Fight Club.

The teacher was very young compared to most of the teachers at Temple High. He had short blonde hair, and not a sign of facial hair to be seen. He was seemed as if he were in his late 30's, and unlike most of the teachers at Temple High, he wore a smile on his face, and you could tell that he loved what he did.

Late 30s is “very young” for a teacher? What kind of attrition rate does Temple High have to cause that?

"Welcome to AP Torah class for the potential gifted students.

I'm so glad that kids back in BC Whatever get college credit for studying the Torah. Nowadays only Bob Jones does that. Also, universities were a medieval invention.

If you pass this class with a solid A, then you will have the option to move up to a Tankah class. My name is Mr. Hebrew, but unlike a lot of the teachers here, feel free to just call me Mr, or Mr. H. At the end of the class there will be some papers that talk about Tankah class, if you're interested in getting noticed by the Tankah bored of recognition, then there are some projects you can do but you have to be really good, and outgoing.

And boring apparently.

Now, we should begin with our lesson but first everyone stand up. I have assigned seats for you," he stated in a friendly tone, but the students groaned anyway. The teacher waved it off as everyone got up from their seat.

"Now, now, don't get upset, these seating charts were very well thought of. We simple matched your strengths and weakness from last years class. Most of you guys are sophomores and juniors. There are a few seniors, but so far no freshman so this was easy to do," he explained,"After we do this, I'll take attendance by using my seating chart."

Isn't Mary supposed to be a Freshman? I'm like 90% sure of that, but the ILOVEJESUS attack might have struck me with amnesia. Point is, Mr. H's very impressive and well regarded seating system is kind of bananas.

Mary stood anxiously next to Bethany, she was happy to see who her seating partner would be, but she was also nervous. What if it was someone that she didn't like? What if it was someone who was mean, or cruel? Nevertheless, she trusted that God would set her up with a good partner.

I would think God has more important shit to do than get you a lab partner that you're sheltered little feelings can accept.

"Ok firstly we'll have Maria and Pikachu," He started eyeing the classroom for the two students. They took their seat and he continued to go through the list. It seemed like it was taking an eternity for him to call her name.

"Um, next Melissa and Isiah!" he called. Mary resisted the urge to roll her eyes as the girl with the braided hair swung her hips from left to right excessively. She took a seat with Isiah. They seemed to get along well.

”Too well, that slut.” Mary thought, internally shaking her fist.

"Then we'll have Lila and John."

"Next we'll have Mary and Peter," he said, scanning his eyes for Mary. Mary was at shock, truthfully she wanted to be seated next to Joseph.

Never would I have guessed that.

She hoped that it would give her a little bit more courage.

Courage for what? Not sucking in class because your manlust is partnered with someone else?

She forced her feet to make her way up to the front of the class as she took a seat next to her partner. Her heart skipped a beat as she heard the teacher say, "Lastly, we'll have Joseph and Bethany." Mary drew in a deep breath as she looked their way. She looked for any sign of emotion on his face, but she couldn't tell.

"Ok you guys, now we will begin our first assignment. I want you to take out a piece of paper, your Torah, and write to me what you think of the first chapter of Genesis. It's an easy assignment, but it will be graded as a test score so be wise in what you say."

”The first chapter of Genesis sucked. The band didn't really make anything good until Phil Collins joined.” You're right. That was easy!

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Post #2


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post Apr 28 2016, 05:13 PM
I wonder if God abandoned humanity in disgust when Yahweh x Lucifer yaoi started popping up on the internet. Judging by the continuation of fanfics like these, he's not coming back anytime soon if that's the case.

Mocks: 27 Ounces by JDR (In Progress)
In the grim derpness of the 3rd millenium, there is only fail.
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Post #3

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post May 1 2016, 09:32 AM
Let's take a moment and give it up for our buddy Jesus.

Author's Note: In case you guys were wondering, Peter is an OC.

The character who has a flagrant resemblance to one of the more important figures of the New Testament is an Original Character. Suuuuure. Let me just go ask Genesis Pikachu if I should believe you.

New Friends: Chapter 3

Mary dozed off as she thought of what it would be like sitting next to Joseph.

For all of the “we're not dating” attitude the author seems to be foisting upon the reader, she really brings up how they feel a hell of a lot.

Her partner tapped her on the shoulder but she didn't notice.

"Nice to meet you, I'm Peter." He said, trying to catch her attention.

When she didn't respond he calmly waved a hand in front of her face, and chuckled as she snapped back into reality, "Um hi, I'm Peter. Your partner for this year."

Sorry Peter, you're meant to be a side ho in a strictly monogamous fanfic pairing.

Mary face palmed herself mentally for dazing off, "Oh of course. I'm sorry. I'm Mary...James Mary."

"Nice to meet you Mary." He said, flashing his pearly white teeth at her. He was charming, with pale skin, green eyes, and dirty blonde hair.

He's Zac Efron. Just say it with me: Zac Efron is the rock on which the church is built. Doesn't seem so holy now, does it?

Just by his looks you could tell that he was friendly and outgoing, and Mary couldn't help but smile as she looked at him.

Poor Mary's headed down a desolate road. First she smiles at a boy, soon she'll be wearing high heels and using make up. Sad, sad life.

"Are you new here?" He asked, "I've never noticed you around."

Mary felt her heart skip a beat but she ignored it, "Uh, I-I came here last year actually...you probably just didn't notice me, I'm easy to overlook."

Yo, this is me repeating shit from earlier, but Mary's supposed to be a Freshman, right? Her mom mentioned this being her first day of high school, so unless I'm misunderstanding some esoteric other meaning, she would not have been there last year.

Mary instantly regretted the words that she said. She had to make a note to face palm herself twice later on today.

Peter laughed, "Seems like everyone would notice you, you're really pretty."

Why does Peter showing interest in Mary not make him a “sinful boy” the way the guys who showed interested in Melissa Magdalene were?

"T-Thanks.." She said in a nervous tone, then forcing her face away from him before she said anything stupid, she proceeded on with the assignment. It was easy, writing what she thought of the first chapter of Genesis.

[Land of Confusion plays in the background]

As she finished up the assignment she talked with Peter for a while, it was strange how quickly she had grown comfortable around him. The class was almost over when the teacher clapped his hands together to get the students attention, "Ok, the bell is going to ring any minute now so you guys can go ahead and pack up. Turn your papers up over here when the bell rings. You have no homework today but you do need to start working on your project.

What project? He didn't mention any pro-Oh wait, now I remember.

Yeah, this is a leftover from the author's old revisions. Originally the students had an absurdly long term project which amounted to writing about Genesis (the book, not the Pokemon). I guess she changed it into an assignment and forgot to edit this part out.

It's due in two weeks and you have to illustrate one of your favorite parts in the book of Genesis, then present it. You can work with a partner or alone. It's up to you."

Or not. Man, that is still a stupidly long amount of time to write about the book of Genesis and draw a picture of it. See look, my favorite part of Genesis was when Enoch got sent up to Heaven because he was TOO cool. Here's my picture of it:

The bell rang and Mary went to turn in her paper. She turned around when she saw Bethany and Joseph talking to each other. They weren't really friends as far as Mary knew, but they sure liked like good friends now.

Well, good friends like like good friends do, I suppose.

"So what do you think of the project?" Bethany smiled at him. Mary couldn't help but notice how close they were to each other. She wasn't jealous, but she wondered if maybe they were friends before this and she just never noticed.

You are so fucking jealous.

"Is that your boyfriend?" Peter asked, making her jump a little.

"Gosh, you scared me." She said, letting out a nervous laugh, "And no, we're just f-friends."


"Mhm, well I wouldn't worry about him and Bethany getting together or anything." He smirked.

Mary raised an eyebrow at him, "Why is that?"

"Well, if he's wise he would court you before he even thought of courting Bethany. Sure, she's a great girl, but you, you're something different."

Observation: Good people “court.” Sluts and whores “date” or “talk to" people.

He said, truly intrigued by the girl. Mary didn't know what to say, as he walked out of the classroom. She noticed that Joseph was waiting for her so she made her way over to him, "Hey."

Excuse me, young man. Hay is for horses, and birthing our Messiah.

Joseph had noticed Peter and Mary talking and he felt jealous, but he remained calm as he looked at her, "Hey Mary. Want me to walk you to your class?"

"Sure." Mary smiled, as they made there way to her class.

"So I'm guessing you got along just find with your new partner." Joseph spoke in what seemed like a angry tone.

The hell do you care, man? You're the one walking her to class, which is basically second base in this world.

Mary could hint some jealously so she giggled, "Did you get along fine with yours?"

"Well Bethany is...very enthusiastic about everything, so I'm sure she will work even harder than me on the project." He told her.

God, I just get so exasperated when students are eager to learn. Fucking nerds. You should bully the shit out of her.

As she approached her class she smiled at him, "I'll see you at lunch. You have second lunch right?"

He nodded, "See you later Mary."

She made her way inside and sat in the back of the class where she belongs. Elizabeth soon accompanied her, "You're glowing, did Joseph ask you out?"

"No, he was just walking me to my class." Mary said, "Honest."

"So what's the glow for then?" Elizabeth pushed.

I bet Mary's got those cool light up sneakers under her burka.

"I don't know what you're talking about...really." Mary told her, "I mean, I guess Torah class was pretty fun. I got a new partner...his name's Peter." She smiled, and Elizabeth's lips turned to a frown as she smacked her arm playfully, "Peter? I thought you liked Joseph."

Yeah, and you're not allowed to have more than one male friend.

"This has nothing to do with liking anyway Elizabeth. Peter's just a good partner, and he's...nice." Mary said, biting her lip.

I'll go halfsies on this drink, which means I'll drink all of mine and half of everyone else's.

Elizabeth didn't say anything more about the situation but she knew that Mary had taken a liking to this new girl, Peter.

"New girl?"

...I did not see that coming.

This is a confusing ass Bible fanfiction.

Who was he anyway? He was totally going to get in the way of things, she thought.

Peter, having sussed information out of Mary with his (or her) brilliant cover story, now knew where Elizabeth had planted the bomb.

The late bell rang when in came Melissa Magdalene.

"Hey, look at dumb and dumber." Melissa pointed at the two girls and the class started to laugh.

Whoa, fucking harsh language there, Melissa. Dumb and Dumber was actually funny.

Elizabeth rolled her eyes, "You know what Melissa, I'm so sick of youtube poops-"

"SILENCE!" The bitter teacher said, his hand hitting his desk to make a loud noise. All the students turned back around. He had a permanent scowl on his face, and black hair. He had tanned skin and you could tell he was aging, "You, you're late. Anyone who's late cannot enter the class. This is your first and last warning."

This is some Deuteronomy-level bullshit.

The class was silent the entire time. Mary could tell that this was not a teacher to play around with.

He belonged to the Wu Tang Clan.

And also the other Klan.

She never got on any teachers bad side, but she really didn't want to get on this one. They stared up at the teacher with a bored expression on their face as he talked about the history of writing. It would have been exciting, if his voice didn't put the students to sleep.

When the bell finally rang, he told the class that they had homework. They had to write a short story and turn it in first thing tomorrow.

”Jeremiah and the Giant Peach” by Mary Christ.

The students rushed out the door, wanting to get away from the strict teacher as quickly as possible.

"Let's head out to lunch." Elizabeth suggested, and Mary agreed with her, she suddenly felt hungry.

As opposed to how thirsty she was this entire chapter.

One thing I do honestly appreciate about this fic? The chapters are short, so I can stop anytime I want to.

I just don't want to.

The Dance: Chapter 4

Elizabeth and Mary made their way outside to find a seat. They had their homemade lunches ready to go as they anxiously waited for a few of their friends. Zechariah was playing with a few of his teammates when he saw the two girls and made his way over to them. Elizabeth smiled as he took a seat next to her and picked off of food from her lunch.

Oh, okay. Now I get why the most popular kid in school hangs around with the Mormom Tabernacle here. Poor dude's starving to death.

A few minutes later, Joseph walked over to the table and took a seat near Mary, "Hey guys, did anyone notice how much grumpier the teachers became. I mean seriously, if they don't like students so much, why did they decide to become a teacher?"

It's a steady job, you get a long vacation after dealing with the little shits for nine months, and chances are you're one of those people that society convinced that college as the only viable career path and ended up heavily in debt with a degree that wasn't really good for anything other than teaching.

I mean, what?

The group let out a laugh as they continued eating their lunch. So far the day had gone extremely well.

"Hey have you guys met the new guy, Peter?" Zechariah questioned, and Mary's ears piped up at this.

See, here again, Peter pretty much implied that he was in this school the year before when he asked Mary if she was new here (and supposedly she is, but I guess not for some reason?). Unless he was just trying to make some really odd pick up line, how is he the “new guy?”

She tried to hide her smile but she could tell she failed miserably at it, "I might of, what does he look like?"

"I don't know, blonde hair, pale skin, I'm a guy, I don't pay too much attention.

”Have I mentioned I'm not gay yet this afternoon?”

But he's the youngest kid on the cross country team this year and I have to admit, he's really good, even better than some of the top players at the school right now." Zechariah said as he playfully grabbed an apple slice from Elizabeth's container.

Can he be your wingman anyday?

"I think I know him...he might be in my AP Torah class." Mary admitted, and Zechariah couldn't help but let out a chuckle, "Ah, so you're the one."

"What do you mean?" Mary asked in a curious tone as she took a bite of her sandwich.

"Yeah, what do you mean?" Joseph cut in.

So far Joseph's only two lines have been some angry and accusatory snips at people. He's really not going to like when Mary gets pregnant by the Holy Spirit.

"Nothing, just Peter told me that he was sitting next to some pretty girl when we were on our way to class." Zechariah said, then he noticed the jealous look on Josephs face, "I'm sure it meant nothing though."

Or it meant exactly what he said and that he was sitting next to a pretty girl. Joseph can chill his hate boner before this turns from a Bible fanfic into a Lifetime Original Movie.

The group of friends had gone silent for a little bit. No one really knew what to say since both Elizabeth and Zechariah knew that Joseph liked her, and Mary liked him, and Elizabeth liked Zechariah, and Zechariah had some weird and confusing feelings for Peter. Luckily they didn't need to say anything, Bethany and a group of her friends from ASB walked in the middle of the lunch area and called for everyone's attention.

"Can we please get your attention!" Bethany shouted, a wide smile on her face.

That was a shocking twist, her asking for everyone's attention after the author told us she asked for their attention. You have my attention and my apathy.

"Thank you. As you know we're all starting a new year of high-school For some this might be there last year, for others it might be their first year, or maybe somewhere in the middle. Either way, we want to welcome all students to high-school, or back to high-school by having our first school dance!" She smiled, and some of the kids applauded.

"The dance will be from 3-4, and of course, chaperoned." She stated, forcing the kids to groan.

I'm sure the teachers are groaning as well, knowing that they now have to spend their Friday evening babysitting a bunch of teens as they try to awkwardly dance with each other.

I'm not bitter.

Mary giggled a little at this as Bethany continued talking, "There's really know dress code, just make sure to wear appropriate clothing. The dance will be next week on Friday right after-school come on down and have some fun. Dance with your friends, or maybe, use this time to finally ask your crush to the dance." She smiled.

Or use this time to crush your friends at the dance!

As they left everyone in the lunch area began talking again. Joseph glanced at Mary for a brief second, contemplating on if he should ask her or not. He quickly decided against it though. Elizabeth gave him a look saying, maybe it's time you step it up Joseph. But he quickly shook his head at this and the lads continued talking about mindless things.

Like the author!


Yes, yes okay. You're the Lovegod.

After school, Elizabeth got a ride from Zechariah so it was just Joseph and Mary walking home.

"So what do you think the dance will be like?" Joseph asked out of the blue.

I bet...there will be dancing. Hmm.

Mary was taken back by this, "Uh, I don't know...it looks like fun. What do you think?"

"I think it should be interesting...is that something you would go to?" He said, staring down at the ground.

Mary's heart was pounding as she drew in a deep breath, "Maybe I mean...I've never actually been to a dance before."

Joseph's eyes widened in disbelief, "Really? Well now you have to go."

”Or else.”

Mary chuckled at this, "Yeah...I'm sure Elizabeth will drag me weather I like it or not."

He smiled, "So I was wondering...I-I mean...if you want to, would you like to go with me?"

Mary almost didn't hear the words slip out of her mouth, they were asked so suddenly. She felt like she should leap for joy but for some reason she wasn't as happy as she thought she would be. What more could she want? She thought to herself. He was a nice, kind person. He was her best friend, who had always been there for her. And even though he was older than her, it never really bugged her too much.

[Help!] My Crush Asked Me To The School Dance And I Don't Know How To Feel! (´・ω・`)

"Mary?" Joseph said, his voice cracking a little.

Mary shot a glance at him, "Uh, it sounds great but I just don't know if I can go...I just remembered that my mom wants me to go read stories to some little kids after the sermon. I'm sorry."

Joseph felt a pain in his heart, for some reason what Mary said didn't sound so...believable. But she would never lie.

If she did, she knew there would be consequences. (ó ì_í)=óX __ X

She's like a saint, he thought, "Oh...that's alright."

"I'll ask my mom though." She blurted out, and he gave her a sad smile and then nodded, "There's your house...I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Yeah...of course." Mary nodded, and she watched as he walked away. She knew that he was upset and she didn't know why she hadn't said yes in a heartbeat. She liked him for so long. She was finally getting the opportunity to go to the dance with the guy she liked so much, and now suddenly, she didn't know what she wanted.

Hell, I don't know what you want. You claim you've liked him forever, and yet your attitude the past three chapters has been murky as shit. As much as the author revised and rewrote this garbage, you'd think she could have at the very least put in some consistency.


And I...I love lamp.

"What did you do that for?!" Elizabeth said, smacking her cousin on the arm roughly.

Mary had made her way to the house when her mother said that her dad was at work and she was going to help her friend take care of her child tonight. She agreed to let her stay at Elizabeth's house to finish up on some homework.


"Ouch Elizabeth! You promised you wouldn't over react!" Mary hissed, rubbing her arm a little. She quickly closed her geometry book and looked toward Elizabeth, "Elizabeth...I don't know what happened. I like him, I really do it's just..."

”Have you ever went with guys, just because you feel like you have to?”

"Just what?" Elizabeth asked impatiently, "Oh no...unless-"

"Unless?" Mary questioned, raising her eyebrow a little.

Elizabeth sighed, "You're not holding back because you like that Peter guy are you?"

Mary thought of her partner Peter for a second. He was very charming, but she had just met him.

Yet, he gave her such kind compliments, and he seemed so...

Damn, is that all it takes to get with the Virgin Mary? Did the Holy Spirit just say she had nice hair before they (metaphysically) got it on?

"Mary! Look, Peter is just another guy. Sure, he may seem charming, and he may seem talented, but you've been friends with Joseph for years. You guys have natural chemistry, and you're throwing that away for some guy you just met."

Yeah. You're only allowed to date court your childhood friend who's had a crush on you forever that you didn't reciprocate until some vague time frame later. You can't change your mind about who you like. That's what whores do!

Elizabeth said, calming herself down a little, "I'm sorry it's just, you guys are my best friends, and I want to see you guys happy...together."

"Yeah, so do I." Mary sighed, "Or at least I thought I did."

”Now I think I want everyone to be miserable. Gosh heck to society!”

"You still have time to fix this." Elizabeth smiled, and Mary nodded, "Yeah I guess, but I really wasn't lying, I might have to help some kids after the sermon."

"I'm sure your mom won't mind if for once you get out and have some fun." Elizabeth laughed.

These chapters just end sometimes. It's weird. Oh well. That's a problem for future-me.

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post May 5 2016, 07:06 AM
Mary did you know,

That your life would be

High school fanfic fodder?

Mary did you know,

You son dies in vain,

'Cause fuck this goddamned author?

Decisions 2016: Chapter 5

The next morning, Mary asked her mother and father about the dance and they said that she could go.

Oh good. I was losing sleep at the possibility that this story would become too unpredictable.

"Mary, you've been such a a good child. You've kept your grades up, you've been helping out after the sermons. I think it would be alright if you act like a normal girl and hang out with your friends just this one." She giggled.

Mary's lucky that she got all A's now that she wants Joseph's D.

Mary gave her a small smile, but let a sigh escape her lips. Secretly, she was hoping that her mother would say no so that this would be easier on her.

I hate when I have my own agency too. Makes all those decisions I make a real bother when I have to be responsible for them.

"Alright well, I'll see you later. Elizabeth's taking me to school today." Mary replied, hugging her parents as she made her way outside the school. When did things get so complicated in her life?

My Lord, child. This is how you react to getting asked to a dance? I can't wait to see your reaction to your son getting brutally executed.

Since she was a little girl she was always known as little miss perfect. The girl who only thought of the Bible and God. Somewhere in her teen years, everything began to change. She wished she didn't feel this way, but she couldn't help it.

Feelings are bad. Only God and the Bible (or at least the half of it that exists by this point) is good.

When she got into the wagon she said a quick hello to Elizabeth's mom and they made their way to the school. Once at school, Elizabeth threw a hand over Mary's shoulder, thereby smacking her in the face "So what did your mom say?"

"Oh, she said that I could go to the dance." Mary replied, showing no emotion on her face.

"Isn't that a good thing?" Elizabeth questioned, "Because you're sure not acting like it."

"It is." Mary said, "Hey, I'm going to go walk around on my own since we got here early. Zechariah's here anyway." She teased, and Elizabeth laughed and stuck her tongue out at her, "When you and Joseph go out, you won't be complaining."

I will be. But I mean, that's kind of what I do.

Mary rolled her eyes but smiled, then made her way inside the school. The halls were all deserted but she seemed to know the place by heart. She spent a good portion of her time here last year since she was trying to keep up with Bethany's active ways.

She spent a lot of time in high school when she was in middle school.

She found her way into the chapel room and admired the statues in front of her. They were all biblical characters, and pictures of what people think God looks like. She was in awe even though she had already seen it.

This is what I think God looks like:

"Beautiful right?" He questioned, and Mary knew that voice. Her heart leaped for a second, but she quickly gained composure.

"Uh yeah..." Mary breathed, "Why are you here so early?"

"I could ask you the same question." He chuckled, "I had to talk to the principal about something.
I'm thinking of having an extra sermon on Tuesday's after-school He said if I set this up, and enough people show, then I can get extra credit points and it would look really good if I want to get into Tankah class." He replied.

Small quibble all things accounted, but why is the Tanakh (which is how it's actually spelled, dipshit) such a big deal in this school? It's literally just the Old Testament. Isn't that what you should be learning to begin with at such a Bible-happy school?

"Wow, that sounds great Peter." She smiled, and Peter grabbed her hand gently, "You should participate in it. I'm sure you're great at telling sermons."

Mary smiled as she slowly put her hand back down, "Sure Peter, sounds like fun."

I originally had a comment here asking if the above was an unintended redundancy, but it seems as if the author likes having more than one person talk in a quotation paragraph. Which is stupid.

"Ok, see you later." He waved, then stopped as he was walking in the chapel, "Oh wait, one last thing."

"Yeah?" She questioned.

"Are you going with anyone to the dance?" He asked her.

Something was hammering into Mary's chest. She shook her head, "Technically no, not yet but-"

What she meant to say was “No one special.”

"Well if you'd consider it, maybe you should go with me...I mean, we can just go as friends even. But I think it'd be really fun." He smiled, and Mary thought to herself great, because I wasn't confused enough as it is...

Hey, come on now. Choices are a great thing. It's always good to have a back up plan if your bottom bitch stands you up for that fly brother down the block.

Or something.

"Well, I'll see but I think that someones beat you to it." Mary stated in a playful tone.

"We'll see about that." He smirked, then exited the chapel.

Not to sound like every sexist-ass old dude every time there's some high profile sexual assault, but if you don't like Peter that much you probably shouldn't be leading him on.


Uh huh. But do you love God as much as I love Cam Newton(Peace Be Upon Him)?

Mary prayed long and hard about her decision but it didn't seem to get her anywhere.

As is often the case for prayers.

She was still confused, and she knew that talking to Elizabeth wouldn't really help. Nevertheless, this whole thing had helped her gain confidence for herself. She'd always thought of herself as miss invisible. The girl that no one really notices, but now, now she didn't feel like that. The question was, who do you pick? The guy that makes you blush with compliments but you barely eve know him, or the guy that you've known since you were 4, but he's always been shy and predictable? It seems like it should be an easy decision but nope, not for Mary. Mary wasn't used to all the attention, which only made things worse.

I'm actually somewhat impressed. Jyoti/FartoftheWind gave a rational, well thought out character trait that explains why the character behaves the way she does. Of course, it also makes her seem like a shallow twerp, but hell, that's high school.

"Mary. Do you know the answer to this question?" The teacher called on her, pointing to the chalkboard.

She sighed, she had dozed off again. Squinting at the bored she said, "Um, it's a polygon."

The teacher was a little shocked, not many people in her class were understanding it.

How are high school kids not able to understand the concept of a “polygon?” And no, you can't handwave it as this happening 2000 years ago, because by that point Pythagoras had discovered trigonometry and Roman scientists were making great strides in the field of astronomy.

"Yes, now as you all know, a polygon is a closed figure..." The teacher went on with his long lecture about geometric shapes as Mary tried her best to pay attention. He gave them their homework right when the bell rang and she was happy to get out of class.


As the day rolled by, Zechariah headed out to his sixth period class, which would have been P.E if he wasn't doing cross country. As he changed into his sports outfit, he headed outside with a few of his friends.

"Alright, we'll do the usual 3 miles today." The plump coach with tan skin and a big beard said. His name was Coach Psalms and he was actually pretty nice, but extremely loud, "ONE, TWO, GO!" He blew his whistle.

Coach Psalms is the heart and soul of Temple High's Athletic Department. His colleagues, Coach Leviticus and Coach 2nd Kings were envious of his connection with the students.

Zechariah kept an even pace as he started running the usual 3 miles. Peter caught up to him in no time and nudged him a little. Taking in deep breaths he said, "Hey so you know that Mary girl?"

Zechariah almost chuckled at this, "Of course I know her, she's my girlfri...well, she's a friend of my friends." He stated, not sure if girlfriend would be the appropriate name for Elizabeth yet. They never really talked about it.

And yet for some reason you both see fit to butt your head into other people's relationships.

"I think she likes me." Peter grinned, and Zechariah raised an eyebrow as they ran a little faster, passing a few of the slower students up, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she always blushes when I'm around. It's cute really, but since I have that affect on most girls it's nothing new." Peter smirked. Zechariah sighed, this kid was really cocky, "You know she likes Joseph right?"

Apparently not that much if she's got the vapors from Peter too.

"So? You can like two people at the same time. And it's not like that Joseph guy will say anything anyway. If he were wise he would have asked her to the dance already." Peter said defensively.

All incredibly valid points from the character I'm sure the author will make an incredible asshat within the next few chapters.

"You've only known the girl for two days, not even a full two days. Don't you think you're getting a little...attached?" He said as he pushed his legs to go further, seeing the one mile mark.

You can blame whatever ASB is for that. They're the ones who decided to have a dance only two weeks into the school year.

"Come on dude, she's hot." He said, and Zechariah shrugged his shoulders, "I've got my own girl to worry about, but really Peter, it's best you back off. Joseph and Mary have liked each other for a while now, it's just a matter of putting the plan into action.”

Again, you're talking about other people's relationships in terms of some great strategy when you haven't even gotten your shit straight. It's stupid shit like that that can only exist in high school AU garbage.

“And you know Mary's not...I mean won't do anything more than kiss, and only chaste kisses. She's very...innocent, pure."

"I can change that." Peter said in a smug tone.

Zechariah rolled his eyes, "Look, just stay away from Mary alright?" And with that he tried his best to run faster so that he could get away from the blonde haired kid and his gay thoughts about him.

At this rate I'll get through this shit quicker than Chris Benoit goes through bears.

Rejection: Chapter 6

Next Week

It was Wednesday and some students were excited for this day because it meant that they didn't have there regular classes. Yesterday, Mary had started her special Bible class with Peter and she had to say, it was a success.

Their recreation of Joshua's extermination of the Philistines went over really well with the administration.

Bethany joined them too, and she was more than happy to be involved with yet, another thing. Actually, they had a large sermon that lasted for four hours. That may seem long but there was lots of music being played, and people even came up and made their own confessions.

Then it wasn't a four hour sermon so much as four hours of worship. A four hour sermon would be unbearable no matter who did it.

As if it weren't an excuse to get out of classes...

After that they would go to P.E, ASB, or whatever sport they did. And their last class would be English. Mary was most excited for these days because she loved listening to the sermons.

She got out of her wagon and waved goodbye to her mother.

This fic is so schizophrenic about whether it wants to take place in Whatever BC or the modern day. With all of the allusions to school bells and high school in general (sermons weren't even that popular until the 15th century) I basically took for granted that it was a contemporary alternate universe. Now she keeps bringing up wagons and other shit that makes it seem outdated.

Or maybe the author's just one of those weird Baptists that hates cars. I don't know.

"I'll be here to pick you up today." She smiled, then took off.

Mary walked around, she hadn't seen Elizabeth which was strange. She usually came rather early but Mary quickly shrugged it off. She thought about looking for Joseph since she hadn't talked to him a while but quickly shook it off. If he wanted to talk to her, he would. As she continued walking around she ran into her friend Zechariah.

"Hey." She smiled, and Zechariah smiled, then threw his apple in the trashcan, "Hey Mary."

It's good to see that Zechariah's parents decided to feed him today. I was getting worried.

Now was the time, she thought. She needed to make a decision about the dance, and soon. So what better advice to get than from someone who's friends with both Peter and Joseph?

"C-Can I ask you a question?" She said, taking a seat next to him.

"Uh, yeah sure. What's up?" He asked, scooting over so she could have a seat.

"Well ok...you know how the dance is coming up right?" She said slowly, and he nodded, "I was just wondering if...uh, well never-mind, maybe this isn't such a good idea to ask you." She said, getting up rather quickly.

Oh. Well that was pointless. Let's just move past this whole thing and never bring it up again.

But he laughed and grabbed her hand gently, "Are you asking me for advice on guys?"

That's his favorite topic!

Mary laughed at the idea, it seemed so strange.

"I think you need Elizabeth for this one." He chuckled, and Mary joined him in his laughter. "That's probably for the best.”

She was still confused, and she knew that talking to Elizabeth wouldn't really help.

What was even the point of revising this story?

It's just that, I thought since you're friends with both Joseph and Peter, you could maybe help me decide who to go with since they...both asked me."

Zechariah's eyes widened at this, and he muttered something under his breath but Mary barely heard him.

"Well...who do you like?" He said anxiously.

Besides God? No one that much.

Mary sighed, "I don't know...I mean, don't get me wrong, I really like Joseph, you know that it's just...Peter's a really nice guy. And Joseph's going to be leaving this year anyway. Maybe it's best that we don't get too attached to each other."

"Well it's a little too late for that. He..." Zechariah shook his head, "Never mind...look, Joseph really likes you, and he's been your friend since you were four years old. He may not be the best in showing his feelings but I mean it Mary, he really, really cares. Peter's a pig anyway."

”And pig is unkosher. Remember, we're technically supposed to be Jewish still.”

"How?" Mary pushed. Peter and her had gotten really close since they were working on the project, and Mary couldn't find one thing wrong with him.

Zechariah sighed, "Well, last week he kind of said something...it just implied that if you two were to get in a relationship, he'd want to do way more than kiss you. Your like my sister Mary, so please, I'm giving a word of advice, don't go out with him. You're way too good for him."

And the grounds for making this assertion is...that he made an off-color joke? His only real “out of line” remark was saying “I can change that,” which struck me as locker room talk more than anything. The rest of that conversation just seemed to irk you because he wasn't being a pussy like Joseph and actively made a move.

Mary was in disbelief, "No, Peter's not like that...he can't be."

"Think about it Mary, how much do you really know about the guy?" He said, and Mary thought long and hard. She tried not to show it but she was suddenly angry, "How could he say something like that?!"

Yes, how could he make a vague, as of yet undisclosed implication that he would like to do things besides kissing with his prospective partner. Jesus, Mary, it's shit like this that gives people neuroses when it comes to sex.

Zechariah had never seen Mary so upset, she was always upbeat, calm and collected sure, but always with a smile on her face, "Guys can be pigs, but I can ensure you, Joseph's nothing like that."

The bell rang and Elizabeth soon caught up with them. Joseph came too, and he gave a friendly smile to Mary. Mary smiled back, but all she could think about was how angry she was with Peter.

He didn't do anything! Zechariah's a fucking snitch.

She silently prayed to God to help her to control her anger but she could feel the anger within her stirring. She drew in deep breaths and tried her best to calm down. She was now grateful that she didn't rush into anything too soon.

Yeah, I know Peter's basically just being set up so the author can show why Joseph is better. I get his role in the story. The only reason I care about any of this is because I know Joseph and Mary historically have to hook up, and I wish the author had just made it happen instead of dragging it out by putting in this weaksauce romantic dilemma and stretching it out. The sooner this “romance arc” ends, the better.


The sermon was going great and Mary sat next to Joseph the entire time.

People were concerned that the preacher couldn't perform up to his usual standards after his ACL injury, but he sought to prove them wrong.

She could feel his eyes linger on her for a second, but she brushed it off, trying to focus on the sermon. When the principal, Mr. Temple, was done, everyone got up and took their Torah's with them. Mary stayed back a while with Joseph. She wanted to tell him that she was going to go to the dance with him, but she felt something holding her back. Of course, the nerves in her stomach came all over again. She thought she had been over that.

"Uh, hey Joseph!" She called, and he turned back, and looked at Mary with a smile, "Hey stranger."

QUOTE ('Urban Dictionary')
the stranger
Sitting on your hand until it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from someone else.

Oh dear.

Mary laughed, "Yeah I know, I'm sorry. I guess I've been working with Peter a lot." She stiffened when she said his name.

Joseph's Peter stiffened as well.

Goddamnit, I was trying so hard not to make fun of his name.

"Oh." Joseph replied, and there was some unreadable expression on his face.

"I just wanted to know if the offer was still up, I'd really like to go to the dance with you." Mary said shyly, and a joy stirred within him, "Really?"

Mary nodded, "Yeah, my mom said that I could have one night off and be a normal girl." She laughed.

”But when the clock strikes midnight, I turn back into a underachieving Puritan.”

"Well, sounds great then." And with that they made their way into separate classes.


Mary was happy that she could avoid Peter for today, although she knew that she wouldn't be able to avoid him for long. They were partners in Torah class and they had that special Bible class on Tuesdays.

That four hour Bible class that takes place instead of actually useful classes, need I remind you.

She promised herself that she would confront him later as she made her way outside and saw her mother waiting for her. Joseph had walked her to the wagon and Mary thanked him eagerly.

"So I'll see you later then?" He said, and Mary nodded, "Yeah, see you later."

Joseph said goodbye to Mary's mother and even handed her a box of flowers, "My mom said she wanted to give this to you for your anniversary coming up." And with that he left. Mary giggled as she got in the wagon and her mother looked at her knowingly, "So, are you and Joseph going to the dance together?"

"Mom!" Mary squeaked, "We are but it's just a dance, I'm not going to make it a big deal."

Hahaha, who are you trying to fool? Nothing is not a big deal to you, you sniveling little baby.

Her mother laughed at this, "Well you know you have to tell your father right?"

"Do I?" Mary squeaked, she hadn't even thought of her father throughout all of this.

"Well yes Mary, you do. But don't worry, I'm sure your father likes him."

What's not to like? Actually what is to like? Come to think of it, has Joseph done anything this story besides pine over Mary?

And with that she took off on the wagon.


Elizabeth had to walk home today, but she was accompanied by Zechariah, who only lived a few blocks away from her.

"We're going to the dance together right?" Elizabeth asked. They hadn't really talked about it but she figured now was as good a time as any.

"Of course." Zechariah smiled, "Why?"

"I need something to show off to Melissa Magdalene." She joked, and Zechariah let out a short laugh, "No, I just want to go with you."

Oh yeah, I forgot Magdalene was in this thing. Bring her back. Her attempts at being the villain of this story were hilarious.

"I would hope so." He said, then stopped dead in his tracks.

"What?" Elizabeth questioned.

"Since we're here, we might as well figure out where we stand." Zechariah stated, feeling a little nervous but shrugging it off, "Are we a couple, friends or-"

Or a couple of friends?

But before he could finish his sentence Elizabeth pulled him into a slow kiss. When they let go she smiled, "I can't be just friends with you."

Good. Everyone's together now. No more of this bullshit.

I will give credit that in the original, I vaguely remember that the Elizabeth/Zechariah thing happened off screen, so this is an improvement on actually telling the story the author wants to tell. But never has so little content been so tiring as this shit has. I'm just so glad that all of this F-Grade Romeo and Juliet shit is out of the way.

Still, I have some time. Getting a peek at the next chapter couldn't hurt.

I'm A Big Girl Now: Chapter 7

"No! Absolutely not!" Her father stated in a strict tone, and Mary felt a pout began to form on her tanned face, "But father-"

"No, no buts. You will not go to the dance with Joseph.



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Post #5

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post May 9 2016, 06:29 AM
Mommy wow!

I'm A Big Girl Now: Chapter 7

This episode of Bible Babies is brought to you by Huggies.

"No! Absolutely not!" Her father stated in a strict tone, and Mary felt a pout began to form on her tanned face, "But father-"

"No, no buts. You will not go to the dance with Joseph. Why can't you just help out at the sermon like you usually do? Why do you need to go off dancing with some older man. Is he more important than God Mary?" He questioned, his scrutinizing eyes staring at his beautiful daughter.

That's probably the most effective rhetoric I've seen against doing anything.

“I want to go hang gliding.”

“Is hang gliding more important than GOD?!!!!”

"Of course not Father, no one is more important than the Lord...it's just that, Joseph has been my friend ever since I was a little girl, and I just want to have some fun. I won't do anything inappropriate. We're just going to dance." Mary said in a pleading tone, "I thought you liked Joseph anyway."

"I do." He said as he pressed his lips tightly together, "I like him as a worker.”

Or as we called them back then, a slave.

“He helps out with the carpeting and I have to admit he's great at it. But isn't he also a little too old for you? He will be off staring his own life next year, and you will still be in high-school. Is that what you want? To be chasing after some older man?”

Remind me again what time period this is? Is it the twentieth century where age difference relationships are common or the first century BC where age difference relationships are pretty much required?

“If you're going to the dance at all, you need to pick someone else to go with."

”Except any of the black kids.”

Mary felt her heart sink, she wanted so badly to argue with her father's decision but what could she do? She sighed, and gave a firm nod, then looked to her mother, who gave her a sad smile.

"Honey." Her mother said in a soft tone, "You know Mary has been doing great so far this year. She's been acing all her tests, and even staring new sermon programs at her school. I think we can both agree that she deserves one small dance with her friend."

He seemed to be debating the entire thing as he looked from his wife to his daughter. He let out a sigh of defeat, "Fine Mary, but you better be home at 9. Not a minute later, and Joseph will come over here first so that I can speak with him."

Well aren't you the little pushover?

Mary smiled, then ran to hug her father. She gave him a kiss on the cheek and exclaimed, "Thank you so much dad!"

"You're welcome now, get out of here. I'm sure Elizabeth's here to pick you up for school." He said, trying to hide his smile as he watched his daughter walk out the door. She was certainly getting older now and more mature. But both her mother and her father trusted her, knowing that she would not do anything inappropriate She was a gift sent from God and she was one who knew that worldly things were far less important when it came to the Holy Spirit.

Which is why you let her partake in the worldly things.

I don't understand why this scene existed.


"Hey Mary!" Elizabeth waved, and Mary smiled and said, "Hey!" She then waved to her mother as they hopped in the wagon.

"So did your dad say that you could go to the dance with Joseph?" Elizabeth smiled, and Mary let out a small laugh, "Yes."

"YAY!" She said as she hugged her cousin, "So you're officially done with Peter?"

I hope we're all officially done with Peter.

Mary stiffened at his name, she honestly didn't know what she thought of Peter. True, Zechariah had practically told her that he was just after her body, but could she really be sure? But Zechariah had never lied to her before, so it only made sense that what he was saying was true right?

I don't remember Zechariah ever saying that, but maybe, in a weird twist of fate, I'm the retarded one and not everyone else.

"I honestly don't know Elizabeth. I mean, I really like Joseph, but I thought I liked Peter too, and then everything just got scrambled up. For now though, I just want to focus on God, school work, and - she smiled - my first ever dance with someone who really cares for me."

At first Elizabeth frowned when she said that she didn't know. She personally didn't like Peter, and it may have only been because she was rooting for Mary and Joseph to be together, but she couldn't help it. She cared so much for the two of them, and she wanted to see them happy.

See, I thought I was reading a Bible fanfic, not some whiny teenager's shipping post on a Naruto fan forum.

She smiled at Mary and said, "Well alright." They got out of the wagon and waved to Elizabeth's mother and Mary's aunt.

As they started walking around they met up with Zechariah and Joseph.

"Hey." Elizabeth smiled as Zechariah pulled her into a hug.

Mary looked up at Joseph shyly and he smiled, "Hey Mary, so what did your parents say?"

”They said that the plans of the Zionist Elders are coming to fruition. Oh, wait, did you mean about the dance?”

"Well, they said we can go to the dance but, you have to come over to my house so my dad can - she chuckled - 'evaluate' you." She said, and Joseph resisted the urge to roll his eyes at this, "Your dad doesn't trust me? I work with him everyday."

"He trusts you it's just that well, you're older, and he doesn't really want me going out dancing with any male specimen." She sighed.

The iguanas in the bio tech lab are especially randy


"Well whatever, whatever it takes right?" He said as he reached out for her hand. She smiled, "Yeah, whatever it takes."


Torah Class

More like Bore-ah Class.

Mary was trying her best to focus on the lesson. They're assignment was fairly simple in her eyes. They had to explain the seven days of creation. Mary smiled at the thought of it. She thought of how loving and caring God was to make this whole world for everyone. If anyone else had put in that situation, none of them would be here today, she thought.

If God hadn't been God, then would God have Godded? That is the stupidest thing I've heard uttered out of this fic. “God is so great he created an entire universe of people to worship him. What a kind, selfless God he is!”

She quickly took out a piece of paper as she analyzed the sections she needed to in her Torah. She was deep in thought when Peter lightly tapped her on the shoulder.

She turned around and sighed, she knew that she couldn't avoid Peter forever, and quite frankly, she was still wondering if she had a reason to. It wasn't that she didn't believe what Zechariah said, but Peter really didn't seem like that type of guy, "Yes?"

"What's been up with you lately? I've written you tons of letters, but you haven't wrote back. And now you're hardly even acknowledging my presence - he put a hand over his heart - I'm hurt." He said, a playful smile on his face.

Alright, I've decided after gathering as much information as I wanted to that this fic is, indeed, supposed to be set in Whatever BC. Except it's not the actual Whatever BC in Nazareth, it's a fantasized one where: 1. High schools exist. 2. People aren't governed by the Deutronomic Code. 3. Common people can read and actively study the Old Testament and aren't spending their time scrapping for a living. 4. Women can do literally anything.

And the sad part of all that is, the author thinks this is a cool time and place to live. The author thinks these are cool people and whatnot to write about. She seems to have missed the entire point of Jesus being born to a commoner family. God, I hate her.

Mary let out a smile, almost laughing at this, "Sorry, I'm just trying to focus on the lesson."

"Are you sure there's nothing else on your mind?" He pushed as he took out his own piece of paper.

"Like?" She asked.

”You're skull. Got eeeeeeeeeem!” Peter shouted as he took out his cellphone (which ancient people had) and uploaded the video to Vine.

"Well I heard that you and Joseph are going to the dance." He said, and Mary raised an eyebrow,

"How did you-" But she stopped in mid sentence, "Zechariah?" He nodded, "Smart girl."

Mary didn't know what to say besides, "It's true, I am..."

”And I didn't tell you because I thought it'd be funnier this way.”

He was a little stunned by this at first, but he quickly shook the expression off his face, "Well that's great, I just thought you'd want someone a little more, I don't know fun to be around."

"Like you?" She almost rolled her eyes.

Like literally anyone besides Joseph.

No, no, no. I mean it. Anyone reading this, name one characteristic Joseph has besides “in love with Mary” and “good at laying carpet.” Her father is the only person to mention any external traits he has.

"I'm just saying, Joseph's going to be super focused on school this year, he is a senior right?" He asked, and Mary nodded as he continued, "Yeah well, after that he will be off, staring his own life. And who's to say he won't find another woman to settle down."

He actually probably won't go very far since the normal social mobility for a standard worker at the time was-

Why am I telling you this? You obviously don't care.

"He won't." Mary said, her posture stiffening, "Why does it matter to you anyway?"

"Come on Mary, don't act like you don't know that I like you. And you know what, I think you like me too but you're just too nervous to figure out what our relationship would be like." He pushed, and Mary avoided eye contact.

She felt her face flush then she turned to look at him, "I think you're mistaken. I have nothing to be nervous about." She said, and it was true. She had become close to Peter and she hardly ever got nervous around him. Sure there were a few occasions, but she was able to push those out of her mind.

”I have nothing to be nervous about. Except all those times I got nervous in the past five chapters.”

Mary stayed silent as she finished up her work. When the bell rang, she turned it into her teacher and was about to grab her bag when Peter had beaten her to it. He handed her the bag and his finger slid to touch hers. She quickly pulled away and looked toward the ground.

"So I'll see you for the next sermon right?" He said, and she sighed, "Sure." With that she walked off and found Joseph waiting for her by the door. She smiled, Joseph was her savior at times. She felt Peter's eyes linger on hers for a while before he left but she ignored it.

You know what word would have been useful right now? “No.” End of conflict.

"What's wrong?" Joseph said, staring at her cheeks, "You're cheeks are red, and that only happens when you get mad or embarrassed."

Or when you have roseola. Or an STD.

"I'd rather not talk about it. Let's go or we'll both be late to class." She said as he walked her to her next class.


"He told you all that? And even admitted to liking you?" Elizabeth gasped at this.

Fucking manwhore.

They were sitting in geometry class as they listened to a boring lecture. Mary nodded quickly, "I don't know what to Elizabeth."

Do anything. Do literally anything! Just do SOMETHING please! Do fucking something besides talk about how much you're secretly gay for Peter! COME ON, DO IT FAGGOT!

"Forget about him, you like Joseph." She stated in an obvious tone.

"Of course I like him, I could even see us getting married one day. But I can't help if I still have teeny, tiny, feelings for Peter. I know I don't love Peter or anything, but he just makes me feel-"

"It's a sin Mary, the feeling your feeling is lust and you need to stay away from him." She stated in an irritated tone.

Of course it is. She has a high school crush on Peter, ergo she's committing the sin of lust because everyone in this story (except apparently Peter) is a huge Puritanical shithead.

She was tired of their talks about Peter. She didn't like this guy, he was not the right guy for her cousin. She knew that she had lied and the feelings Mary felt were most likely not those of lust, but she just wanted to get her quiet for a second.

And the sad thing is? I think Elizabeth, clingy-ass, nosy-ass, irritating-ass Elizabeth of all people, is the most reasonable character in this chapter.

"I don't feel lust." Mary said, "Why would you even say that?"

"Ok well maybe you don't feel lust, but he does. Is that the kind of guy you want?" She pushed, and Mary sighed, then shook her head, "No Elizabeth. You're right I'll just try my best to avoid him find myself an obediant castratii." Elizabeth smiled, "Great!"

"Elizabeth, how many sides does of a hexagon have?" Her teacher asked, and Elizabeth looked down.

Hehehaha, why are you still learning shapes more than two weeks into a high school Geometry class? No wonder everyone thinks the lecture is boring, no one does anything!

"You don't know?" He said, ad she shook her head, "Then stop talking and listen to the lecture."



It had been a long day and Mary was ready to head home. She was tired and she needed to start on her book report for English.

I bet I know what book she chose. The Bible.

As she grabbed her backpack and started heading out of the school she was greeted by Bethany. She smiled, Bethany was a great friend of hers and she was sad to notice that she hadn't talked to her in quite some time.

It's almost as if all of those characters you introduced in the earlier chapters just somehow disappeared while all of this shitflinging has been going on.

"Hi Bethany, how are you?" She greeted, and Bethany smiled, flashing her pearly white teeth, "I'm great! Just a little exhausted. I'm glad I could catch you in time, Peter needs to speak to you about some plans for the sermon. I would come but I have an ASB meeting. You'll go right?"

Mary decided to go left, just because fuck Bethany and all of her dreams.

Mary was wondering if this was just a trap, or if he really needed to go over stuff. She sighed, and shook her head, she was trying to avoid him, "Whatever he needs to talk about, he can tell me tomorrow morning at school, or in Torah class."

"Well ok, I'll be sure to let him know. Thanks anyway." She waved, then skipped off.

Mary laughed at the overly happy girl as she continued walking.

Yeah, let's continue to make fun of the only character who isn't a miserable pile of excrement.

Her foot stepped on something hard and she knelt down to pick it up. She read the words on the front of the notebook and her eyes widened.

Melissa's Diary

Oh God.

She couldn't believe that she had stumbled across her diary, and quite frankly she didn't know what to do. She threw the diary in her bag and continued walking home, hoping that she would see Melissa the next day and be able to give it to her.

Well, maybe this could be good. Maybe this is the author's attempt to pivot the story from the drudge we've had to deal with so far and onto a more interesting character. Considering the only funny parts of this story have been Melissa's very underwhelming attempts at being evil, I have high hopes.

Yeah, I'm just gonna end here for now.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: May 10 2016, 07:27 AM

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Post #6

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post May 17 2016, 06:40 AM
I remember back in college, there was a tradition where the Christian clubs on campus would go to a local farmer's barn on Sunday and do whatever it is that good Christians do at said barn. We used to call these people Barnies, because they would always talk up the barn and make it sound like the most obnoxious place to be if you weren't diehard in your beliefs.

Not sure what made me think of that...

Author's Note: John is also and OC.

Funny how every “original” character in this story is named after one of the people in the Gospels. It's like those are the only parts of the Bible the author's read. Hmm...

Why Can't We Be Friends: Chapter 8

You lost your shot at gaining my friendship when you kept misspelling Tanakh and not shutting up about it.

The next day, Mary searched everywhere for Melissa, but she couldn't find her. She ran into Bethany, and when she asked if she had seen Melissa her eyes widened in shock.

"What do you want to talk to that vial girl for?"

She needs her for chem lab SUPER SECRET EXTRA BIBLE STUDY LAB!!!

She questioned, but Mary ignored her, and continued to look for Melissa. When she couldn't find her, and the bell rang, she sighed, heading over to class.

She would find Melissa eventually.

Dead and naked in some ditch.

Mary's classes went by almost too quickly. It was already Torah class and she had just finished presenting her project with Peter. He looked over to her and smiled, "We make a great pair don't we?"

Mary almost rolled her eyes at this, he was just getting annoying now, "I guess..."

"So how are you and Joseph Mary?" He questioned.

Figures Joseph would take Mary's name.

"Are you helping him apply for new jobs so he can start his new life on the right track."

"Would you just cut it out Peter?" She hissed, then remembered to hold her tongue, "There's tons of girls who want you at this school, please, go find one of them and leave me alone." She said, collecting her books and backpack just in time for the bell to ring.

That brings up a halfway cromulent thought to my mind. So, Peter's one of the most popular kids in school and has a lot of women interested in him, right? He's not a dude that has to settle, in other words. If he has been pursuing Mary this far, maybe just maybe his intentions aren't as duplicitous as everyone just kind of assumed they were because of an off-color comment he made earlier.

Or maybe he just wants to show Mary the rock on which the church will be built. Who knows?

"Your homework for today is to write and explain which of the Ten Commandments you struggle with the most!" The teacher shouted just before the class had left, and Mary made a mental note to jot her that down when she got to her next class.

I struggle with the sixth commandment the most. I can't help it. Some people just have it coming.


I would like to take a moment to thank the author for no longer molesting me with her love of God any time there's a scene transition.

When it was finally time for lunch, Mary made her way to all of her friends, and she quickly noticed the excitement on Elizabeth and Zechariah's faces.

The lengths teenagers go to to stay virgins these days...

"You guys look very chipper." Mary said with a smile, "What's going on?"

"Zechariah received great news from the John the Rabbai." Elizabeth smiled as she looked at her boyfriend lovingly.

”He said that liking dudes is something you're born with, and there's nothing wrong with it!”

Zechariah was bursting with excitement, but he held his composure, "Yeah, he told me that I've received a four week pass to come and learn the ways of a Rabbai with him. He said he sees-"

"Great potential! My boyfriend is going to be a high priest when he gets older!" Elizabeth squealed, and the group of friends laughed at this.

It's too bad the whole “Christianity” thing is coming, or else your relationship could've lasted. Rabbis can marry, priests can't.

"Ok Elizabeth calm down." Mary said, and the girlfriend drew in deep breaths. She turned to Zechariah and flashed her white teeth at him, "That's great Zechariah! I'm so happy for you!" She gave him a quick hug.


"What about your boyfriend, the carpenter?" Joseph joked, and Mary rolled her eyes and gave him a playful shrug, "My boyfriend the carpenter, I'm ever so proud!" She giggled, then gave him a kiss on the cheek. She suddenly remembered the diary and stood up almost abruptly, "I almost forogt, have any of you seen Melissa round?"

I wonder why kissing her boyfriend reminded her of Melissa.

Wasn't there supposed to be a dance at some point? I would be eternally grateful if that was a plot point the author just decided to skip.

Elizabeth's nose wrinkled and she frowned at this, "What do you want with that-"

Zechariah shot a warning look at his girlfriend, "Please don't start."

"I just need to speak with her." Mary said, her arms crossed over her chest. She searched left and right for the lady, until she finally found her sitting alone a few tables away from them, eating an apple.

You'd think she'd be easier to spot sitting alone that conspicuously, but I guess not.

"I'll be right back." She said, before heading off to talk to Melissa.

She made her way over to the table, wondering what she would say. It's easy Mary, just tell her you found it on the floor, return it, and be on your merry way. Mary didn't know why she was so nervous, but she tried her best to shake the thought out of her head as she finally approached the dark haired girl.

She cleared her throat as she waited for her attention. The dark skinned girl turned her head to see Mary, and she shot a glare at her and hissed, "What do you want?"

I'm somewhat uncomfortable that the author singled out the villain as “the dark skinned girl.”

"I'm here to return something of yours." She said, pulling out her diary.

Mary noticed how Melissa's eyes widened at this, and the petrified look on her face as she snatched the diary away. She stood up, and her cheeks grew red, "What have you done? Did you steal this!-"

Of course not. It's original content, you can't steal it.

"Melissa please,-"

"Did you read this book? That's invasion of privacy and I will-"

melsa pls

"It was on the floor yesterday, and I happened to see it. I couldn't just leave it there, and no I did not read anything in your diary. If I did then I would have disappointed God and myself by invading anothers privacy, which is very wrong.”

Yeah, Obama.

“I just came to return this to you." Mary said, and Melissa noticed how honest the girl was.

She put the diary into her bag and looked away from Mary, "Well thank you Mary...I suppose it could have been in a worse place."

It could've been up her butt.

"Yes, I suppose." Mary responded. There was awkward silence that filled the air, and Mary expected herself to be gone already, but yet she hadn't moved. Talk to her. She heard the Lord's voice, and she did not ignore him.

The Lord's voice then told her to rape a pig, and of course that ended up on all the blogs...

"So where are all your friends?" She asked, throwing the dark skinned girl off guard.

How about we find some other physical characteristic beside the fact that she's dark skinned? We could do a lot to not be preoccupied by that.

"I only ever had one friend Mary, and she hates me because I...lied with her boyfriend." She shrugged.

Lied about what? Taxes?

Mary's eyes widened at this, but she did not judge the girl, "Well I am sorry to hear."

"Sorry to hear what Mary? It's my fault. I am what others say I am aren't I? I am a vial, disgusting, slut!" She said, forcing Mary to gasp. She didn't know what to say for a second, but she didn't leave the girl. She looked her straight in the eye and said, "People judge by what they hear, or what they think they see. But me, I cannot judge you, for the Lord says it is wrong, and if you are to ask what I think of you, I would say you are misunderstood. I think what you need is a friend."

I disagree. I've heard what she does with her friends' boyfriends.

Melissa chuckled darkly at this, "A friend? You ask that I be your friend? Are you not afraid that I will too lie with your boyfriend?"

Mary took a deep breath and said, "I trust him, and more importantly Melissa, I trust you. That's what friends do."

I wonder why you couldn't be this gracious to Peter, considering he's been nothing but nice to you up to this point.

Melissa had to force herself not to smile when she heard this, "Mary, you truly are something else." The bell rang, and Melissa gave the girl no answer as she walked away on her own to her next class, but what Mary didn't know is that she had already grown on the girl.

I was hoping for some more grade school level tomfoolery, but of course how foolish was I to expect any respite from this fic.


After School

Zechariah had just gotten done changing into his track outfit when he saw Peter again.

He decided to change right out of it and take advantage of the opportunity.

Peter was like a distant friend of Zechariah's. He had no problem with him, expect for the fact that he wanted Mary so badly.

He must hate Joseph, then.

Zechariah thought of Mary as his sister, and he knew that he could not let the two of them ever be together. It wasn't as if Peter was evil, he was just like half of the guys at Temple High: blinded by lust. Zechariah had to admit that he had to stop himself from lusting after his own girlfriend, but it could be done, Peter just wasn't trying hard enough.

I hate this author's idea that being attracted to someone (especially someone you're dating) is some kind of sinful behavior. I'm sorry that this author has such an uptight understanding of sex.

That's not even a joke, it's actually something that a lot of people have to learn to outgrow when they're brought up by such zealots as I'm sure she was.

"Hey Zechariah." He greeted, "Ready to be outrun?"

Zechariah smirked, "Yeah, we'll see about that."

They made their way outside and when the coach blew his whistle, the two began to run. They started lightly at first, but they picked up the pace with each lap.

"So are you going to the dance?" Peter questioned, and Zechariah laughed at this, "Yes, I am. And if you're thinking of asking me, I'm sorry but I have a girlfriend." He sadly replied.

Peter laughed at this, "Please! I've read in the Bible about Sodom and Gomorrah, and I'm not making that mistake."

Well Sodom and Gomorrah were more about rape and forcing yourself on people, so no, I don't think you learned quite what you needed to from that story.

He said as he increased his speed in running, forcing Zechariah to do the same, "Ahaha, alright, alright. So why did you ask? And if this is about Mary-"

"It's not, not completely anyway." He said, and Zechariah let out a short breath as he continued to run, "What, you're going to try to make her jealous or something?"

He remained quiet for the first time since they had been running.

"What's your fascnation with her anyway?" He asked.

”Why do you like girls so much, fag?”

"I don't know, it's just something about her." He said.

"You seriously need help Peter. Try getting your mind off of things and going out with someone new for a change.”

Take his advice. I think literally anyone else would be less insufferable than the Kewl Kidz Klub.

“Get it through your head alright, you and Mary and never going to work out. Joseph loves her." He said, then sprinted off, leaving Peter in the dust.

"Yeah well, maybe I love her too." He said to himself as he tried to catch up with Zechariah, but failed.

Coach Psalms needs to step into this situation before another catfight breaks out.

So now I'm up to the point (8 chapters) where I left off on my original mock. Now I no longer have to frantically check between this thread and that one to make sure I'm not using the same jokes. Thankfully, Jyoti/FartoftheWind was thorough enough in her revisions so that I didn't have to do that too often.

Just for funsies, I'm going to ruminate on some of the major changes between editions.

First let's start with our protagonist, Mary. In the original, she was an insufferable Mary Sue who's entire existence was a blessing to everyone and everything at all times. She was always right and unironically a “holier-than-thou” type and praised for being as such. The author seems to have moved slightly away from that in her remake. Now Mary's always correct, but it's far less obnoxious. Hard as it is to believe, she's a better character now than then, but the author still hasn't quite grasped the concept of “sinless” not meaning “simple,” as evidenced by her almost immediately ditching the one complex thought Mary had (her admitting to enjoying Peter's attention because she was often looked over in middle school) for blatant self-pandering. Reality also doesn't seem to bend to fit Mary's whim at any given second, so that's an improvement.

Elizabeth was super needy and controlling. Not much has changed, even the author's occasional capacity of forgetting she exists.

Joseph in the original was a weenie-butt and a total doormat. The only real difference now is that he used to have more lines, a family and an actual backstory. The fact that Zechariah, a tertiary character, has had more involvement in the plot than the prime love interest speaks volumes about Jyoti's inability to write any sort of conflict that doesn't involve Mary being at the center.

Speaking of, OG Zechariah was pretty cool. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that he was the only character I didn't end up hating by the time I quit. He mostly did his own thing and only really got involved when the author needed a stoic voice. Now he eats up way more time than his position in the plot would indicate, and he's not better for it. I can't find many instances where expanding a character's role ended up making them worse. But the author did it. Good job.

Peter was kind of a douche, but understood social situations enough to be able to hide it. Now he doesn't even try.

Objectively, the story is a bit tighter and less filled with plotholes than before. It's still a drudge to get through, though, due to the author taking the whole absurd premise and trying to make it sound like it's not a complete farce. In the hands of a capable writer, something like this would be considered an alternate history book, but unfortunately everything about High School Sweet Hearts just reeks of the very worst of fanfic rhetoric.

Ten more chapters left...

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Post #7

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post May 21 2016, 09:00 AM
The Secrets Out: Chapter 9

Damn. I thought I had been so careful. Guess I'd better find the nearest abortion clinic/recycling plant.

Friday After School

The days had sped by faster than usual, and before Mary knew it, it was time for the dance.

Oh fuck me. I thought we had just sped past that. In my defense, it feels like much longer than two in-story weeks have gone by.

Mary's mother was distressed because she had decorated the wagon beautifully, but it broke down. She was lucky enough to have an old chariot to ride her in. Any other girl would be sad, chariot's were hardly even ridden now. She thought back to her readings in the Bible. Chariots had been around probably at the time that Abraham was born. But Mary didn't mind. She clung onto her sweater as she made her way outside. Elizabeth was at her house and they both got ready together. Mary's mother and father smiled at the two girls and told them how beautiful they looked.

Okay, I'm going to go ahead and deconstruct this because 1) I like my writing better than yours and 2) You're stupid as hell and lack any ability to actually learn about the subject you're writing on.

First of all, chariots were used for military purposes, not for your standard transportation. Mary's mother wouldn't have had one unless she got into a really violent dispute with the Homeowner's Association.

Second, while chariots were around long, long before Abraham is purported to have existed, they didn't make their way to Canaan until after the Hebrews left Egypt (this is according to the Biblical timeline, which isn't totally historically accurate). But you know what was around just as long? Fucking. Wagons. Assuming we're taking the Bible 100% at face value, which God knows you probably do, there are references to wagons as early as Genesis, when Joseph offers to let his father Jacob and his brothers live in Egypt during a famine. Relatively speaking, chariots would have been the new hotness over crumpy old wagons. Not that it matters, because they're both horse-motive vehicles anyway.

Finally, sweaters? Really? Have you seen any painting or depiction of the Old Testament period?

Please, please, for the love of God, please, learn anything about the book you love so much.

Mary was wearing a white dress with a thick blue stripe across it. She wore a thick head piece and her hair was down and straight. It wasn't fancy like what other girls would be wearing at the dance, but Mary's mother had made it herself and she was truly grateful for that.

Elizabeth was wearing a rich red dress that went down to her ankles. It was shimmery and there was a stripe of pure gold over it. The dress alone cost her fifty shekels, but she had been saving up for it since the summer. She had never been to a dance, and this would be her first one, so she wanted to make it a night to remember.

Unbeknownst to the author, “A Night to Remember” happens to be the name of a book and movie about the Titanic sinking.

She offered to chip in for a finer dress for Mary, but she refused, telling her that the dress her mother made would be fine. Her headpiece was beautiful, shiny and shimmer. The headpiece cost ten shekels.

Which, according to Google, means about $3. I appreciate the frugality, I suppose.

Mary and Elizabeth made their way into the chariot. Elizabeth would have offered to bring her family's wagon, but they were using it for the night to go and watch some man who claimed to be the Messiah. Elizabeth almost rolled her eyes when she heard, the way they described the man, well, he didn't seem nearly as great as she expected the Messiah to be.

You're going to be very disappointed in the real Messaiah.

Mary's father decided to take them to Temple High. They arrived there right on time, and Mary eagerly got out of the chariot with Elizabeth. Petting the two black horses, she then hugged her father and made her way inside Temple High, her arms linked with her cousins.

It just struck me that riding a chariot instead of a wagon in this time would basically be the same as riding a motorcycle over a car. Which is to say, pretty badass, maybe.


"Do you think she's almost here?" Joseph said eagerly, and Zechariah chuckled at this, holding in his own eagerness,

Hold on a minute, I feel like I'm forgetting something...Oh yeah.

[Mary's Father] let out a sigh of defeat, "Fine Mary, but you better be home at 9. Not a minute later, and Joseph will come over here first so that I can speak with him."

Yeah, Joseph was supposed to meet with Mary's father to be given the “I ain't afraid of going back to prison” speech. Looks like it just slipped the author's mind. Waa-waa-waa!

"Well, if they do it will be a surprise. Most girls have to arrive fashionably late." He said as he batted his eyelashes.

Originally, Zechariah used a can of Raid to fight off his eyelashes, but later found that an even bigger anachronism in baseball bats did the trick better.

Joseph laughed, "Sorry, I'm just so nervous. This is Mary and I's first dance, and I want everything to go well."

"Just watch out for Peter alright?" Zechariah said, scanning the room for Peter who was walking hand in hand with Bethany. Zechariah suddenly felt sorry for the girl. He hoped that Peter had taken his advice and was not using Bethany for bait, because she was a very nice girl.

Zechariah was too high class to fall for such cheap bait, anyway. z-snaps and twirls

Joseph was wearing a tunic-coat, while Zechariah was wearing a mantle.

The perfect attire for sucking both blood and dick.

A few minutes later, the two girls arrived. As they walked through the door with their arms still linked together, there was a sparkle in the men's eyes.

The girls made their way over to them, and Zechariah took Elizabeth by the hand, "Wow...you look beautiful."

Elizabeth smiled as she tried to hide her blush, "Thank you Zechariah. You look, very handsome."

Gag me.

Zechariah was in a trance, he studied the girls face. She was beautiful, just perfect in his eyes. Her hair fell down her shoulders, and her outfit shined brighter than any star he had bothered to look at. He was suddenly pulled out of his daze when she started to talk again, "Let's dance!"

Joseph chuckled as he watched his two friends dance poorly, then turned his attention to Mary, who was looking up at him, "You look beautiful Mary."

"Thank you Joseph...my dress is nothing like Elizabeth's, it's not fancy, or sparkly. I just couldn't afford-"

"It doesn't matter what the dress looks like, you could wear raggedy clothes with dirty sandals, and you would still be more beautiful than any girl I had ever seen." He told her, and she smiled. He held out his hand and she grabbed it, squeezing it tightly. They made their way to the dance floor, ready to dance the night away.

Just remember to keep each other at arms distance to leave enough room for yet-to-be-born-Jesus in the middle.


Melissa made her way through the Temple High alone. This was not how she pictured the dance to be. She expected to be escorted by one of her lovers, and laughing and having fun with her best friend, but that wasn't the case.

She was all alone, and she would have to face everything alone. Even something that most people needed support for. She shook the thought out of her head as she held her head high and made her way into the chapel area.

Oh come on, they're not really holding a dance in the middle of a chapel, are they? Even I think that's disrespectful.

She noticed how gleeful everyone looked. She watched as Mary and Joseph danced together, and as Elizabeth and Zechariah were having the time of their lives. She saw Peter and Bethany talking, and saw her best friend dancing with her boyfriend who she had hesitantly forgiven.

A wave of loneliness fell upon her, and took a seat as she continued to watch everyone.

The Lord watched the woman and felt her pain, so He sent his Angel Gabriel down to speak with her.

”Ayyyyyyyyyyyy babee!” spake the Angel Gabriel.

Angel Gabriel came in the form of of a mere human. He walked over to Melissa, and smiled, "Would you care to dance Melissa?"

Melissa had never seen someone so perfect and divine before, but she wasn't sure if she should dance with him. So instead she asked, "How is it you know my name?"

Obviously he follows you on Twittertm and Snapchattm.

"I have known you for a very long time, but don't ponder the thought too much." He said, his hand still extending.

Because if you do ponder it for any amount of time it doesn't really come off as holy so much as rapey.

Melissa thought this was strange, but something compelled her to take his hand anyway, and she did. As they danced she asked, "What is your name?"

”I am called many things, but my friends refer to me as Johnny Otaku.”

He whispered in her ear, "My name is not important, but behold, God has sent me down here to comfort you in your time of need. He has heard your weeping, and has sent me. He forgives you Melissa, he forgives you for your wrong doings. And he knows of the baby you carry in your womb. You will give birth to a beautiful baby girl, and you are to name her Mary. She will have a rough life, but in the end she will play a big role in this world."

Eh, her role in the story of the Passion really wasn't that big. She was more of a representation of all of Jesus' women followers. Unless you're taking some sort of Angels and Demons interpretation, which seems downright sinful given this author's viewpoint.

Melissa felt her heart beat quicken, and her breaths become short and rigid, "Are you really Godsend, or are you deceiving me?"

"I think you Melissa, know the answer to that." He said, as he continued to dance with her.

"If you truly are sent from God, then tell me, will my life get better? Will I ever have real friends?" She asked desperately.

"Why do you tempt the Lord?" He asked, but she remained silent.

Yeah bitch, stop tempting God by asking benign questions. Don't be like that pussy Jesus who asked God why he had forsaken him while he was being crucified.

"By the end of this dance, a true friend will be made. Remember this, and sin no more." And with that he was gone. He went out the door, and ascended up to Heaven.

And Melissa went on continuing to sin, and God was just like “Well fuck me for trying, then. ”


Melissa's ex best friend, Lila watched as Melissa stood there, seemingly dumbstruck. She smirked, and she felt no remorse for the girl. She was angry, and resentful towards Melissa for lying with her boyfriend. They were supposed to be best friends, yet she went and did something like this.

Oh fuck I can't believe she done that.

She was the only girl who didn't care about the sinful things she did.

You know, except for that one sinful thing she did.

She walked over to her, her boyfriend following after her, a confused look on his face.

"Well, well, well, Melissa decided to come to the dance after all." She said in a taunting voice.

Melissa frowned, "Look Lila, I'm really sorry about what happened, but can't you just let it go already?"

"You lied with my boyfriend!" She practically shouted, forcing some of the students to turn and look, "You're a scum, and a slut!"

Your boyfriend lied with her too. For someone as laissez-faire about the whole “sleeping with other people” deal, you seem to be very judgmental all of a sudden.

Mary overheard this and she suddenly felt protective. She didn't know if it was because she wanted to be friends with Melissa, or if it was because she felt sorry for her, but she knew that she couldn't stand to listen to the girl call her such vial names.

It's one thing to call someone a slut, but don't you dare bring science into this place of worship.

"Lila, you never cared about who I lied with before, and if you should be getting mad at anyone, it should be your boyfriend. Or do you not expect more from him?" She hissed.

Lila crossed her arms over her chest and frowned, "So you just don't care who you lie with do you? I guess I've forgotten how desperate you are for love, since not even your mother loves you?"

Alright, now where was this smack talk back when you two were supposed to be bullies and not fagfighting teenagers?

This forced Melissa into silence, the talk of her mother was a touchy subject, since her mother always spoke ill of her. Mary walked over to the two girls and looked toward Lila, who was a beautiful girl with high cheek bones and light hair, "This is a dance you guys. And you're fighting?"

”I don't mind, it just seems really counterproductive.”

"And who are you to speak to me?" Lila hissed, "Stay out of this!"

But Mary ignored her, "This is a place of worship, not some place to bicker and mock others.

Or hold high school dances.

Look over there-" She pointed to the choir who sang a peaceful song. It was a song from the Bible that Moses had sung when he and all his people had fled from Egypt.

That they would have had no written record of, sure.

"They're singing a beautiful song, and giving praise to the Lord. And look over there-" She pointed to a couple who were looking at each other lovingly and dancing the night away, "They're having the time of their lives, dancing to the Lord's music. How can you fight at a time like this?"

You're not exactly not fighting now either, Mary.

Lila silenced herself, unable to look the girl in the eye. She had a way of making her feel ashamed of what she had done.

Only when it comes to innocuous things she says though, not all of the whore things she does on whore island.

She looked to Melissa and huffed, "Fine, I'll put aside the bickering for one dance, but only because I want to spend the night with my boyfriend." She said, and walked off.

Lila's boyfriend, Jacob my original character, looked toward Melissa, a remorseful look on his face. After everything that had happened, he still felt guilty for leaving Melissa the way he did. He cared for her, but he feared of being with her because of her reputation.

What a nice, warm feeling of love we have at this dance. Reminds me of God.

Melissa looked to Mary who had once again been a friend to her and she smiled, thinking of Angel Gabriel's words, "Thank you Mary...you really are a good friend."

Mary smiled, she couldn't believe the words that were coming out of Melissa's mouth. She thought that they would never be friends, "You're welcoming Melissa..."

I'm glad someone thinks so.

For a moment there was an awkward silence. Joseph stayed behind Mary, giving the two girls there space. He noticed the change in Melissa's eyes. She had suddenly become distant, almost as if she were thinking of something, and she was.


She was thinking of how she didn't deserve Mary as a friend. She was thinking of all the ill words people spoke of her, and she was staring to believe that it was true. Her eyes began to water, and she was unable to keep her composure. She didn't deserve Mary as a friend. She ran outside of the chapel, shocking Mary and her boyfriend.

”Mary's boyfriend” is the most extensive character description Joseph's ever had.

Mary turned to Joseph, a bewildered look on her face. She then let out a sigh, "Gees, I wonder what's going on...Look, Joseph I'm sorry. This was supposed to be our night but I just-"

"You want to help everyone Mary, which is something that I've always loved about you." He smiled, then planted a kiss on her lips that sent her heart flying. She had never been kissed before, and she didn't know what to do.

So she whined about it for three more chapters before deciding she was cool with it.

She stared at him, in completely daze. He chuckled at this, "Go ahead and help Melissa. I don't know what's going on but she looked upset."
Mary nodded, unable to say anything. She stumbled for a second, forcing Joseph's smile to grow wider. He knew it was an effect of the kiss they shared, and he watched as she made her way over to find Melissa.

Look in the ditch next to the quad.


Melissa was in the bathroom, crying her eyes out. She had never been one to show too much emotion, but she couldn't help how she felt right now. The door swung open, and Mary heard the sounds of Melissa crying in one of the stalls.

That's where Jesus was born!

"Melissa?" Mary called out, and she tried to stop her sobbing, "J-Just please, leave me alone."

"I can't do that." She stated, "I need to know what's going on. One minute you're simply saying thank you, the next minute your crying your eyes out. Did that girl really
get to you?" She said in a soft tone, "What's wrong?"

A menstruation joke would be only too easy, but considering Melissa's pregnant that would be inconsistent. Take the hint.

Melissa opened the stall, and looked up at her new found friend.

”Friend” is a very strong word. I prefer “Accountibili-Buddy.”

The makeup she was wearing ran down her face a little, and as Mary dried the girls makeup off, she started to talk.

"I don't deserve you as a friend Mary. I am what they say." She cried.

"We've been over this-"

"Mary." She breathed, "I am to bear a child...Now look at me and tell me that I am not what they say."

I mean, you sleep around with other boys and brag about it, but I guess the getting pregnant thing is what's really ruining your reputation.

Mary was stunned by this. There was a short silence, but Mary looked at the girl and smiled, "You are not what they say. It's ok Melissa, God has a plan, and he will help you through this."

And that plan is called Plan B. For thirty shekles you can be baby-free.

Outside of the bathroom, Lila was listening in on their conversation.


She had come only to fix herself up a little, but when she had heard Melissa crying, she stayed there for a while. Now she had information that no one should have, and she smirked to herself, knowing just what to do with it.

Keep it to yourself and move on with your life like an emotionally stable person would do?

No, no, what am I thinking. That's dumb. Use it for evil, obviously.

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Post #8

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post Jun 7 2016, 05:44 AM
Last time on Degrassi: Old Testament, Melissa Magdelene was literally touched by an angel at the school dance.

Break My Heart: Chapter 10


Peter had arrived at school rather early considering he had to walk. He was just in time for the bell to ring, and he sighed as he walked inside Temple High. Usually he would be excited, he loved being at school, and hanging out with his friends, but he couldn't get the dance of his mind. He had brought Bethany along to make Mary jealous, but in that time he started to feel guilty because he could tell that Bethany really liked him. She was nice, and sweet, and he liked that about her, but she wasn't Mary.

Am I starting to see a bit of the old Mary Sue-ness returning, or is the author finally admitting that she wasn't writing Peter as a despicable sinful mess like she insisted?

Peter knew that it was time to give it up, because whenever he saw Mary and Joseph together, they looked like they were practically inseparable. He wanted to be with her, she was new, and different from all the other girls that he had ever been with, but he also knew that it wasn't apart of God's plan, so he was trying to let go.

Besides, right now he didn't have time to think about Mary. He had almost reached the door to the school when he felt someone tap his shoulder. He turned around to see that it was Bethany. Her dark skin was tinted with pink as she cast her eyes down on the ground, "Uh, hey Peter! I had a really great time at the dance!"

I would like to know the salon Bethany goes to that offers to dye people's skin.

You know, for a friend.

"Oh...hey, yeah, me too." He said half heartily.

"Listen, I was wondering if maybe sometime we could-"

"Sorry, I really have to go. Uh, lots of studying to do today, and talking to administrators about after school programs and stuff. I'll uh, I'll see you around Bethany." And with that he took off. He knew it was wrong to just blow her off, but he needed to figure out what he wanted to do before he got involved with anyone, and he knew that if he had stayed there he wouldn't be able to say no to her just because she was that nice.

Dang. She should've asked him to kill himself.


"Make sure you come home right after school, your father and I need to talk to you." Her mother said in a stern voice, which was so unlike herself. Mary wondered what the discussion could possible be about, but she knew not to ask questions at the moment.

Asking questions leads to frank inquiry, which leads to logic and other sinful things.

She simply nodded her head and waved goodbye to her mother.

The bell rang before she even had a chance to blink, and she started to make her way into class when she bumped into Melissa. The two girls looked at each-other awkwardly before mumbling a hi.

"How are you Melissa? How's...everything?" Mary wanted to ask so badly about the baby, and what she planned to do, but she knew that right now was not that time for that a discussion like that.

No, a better time for that discussion was during a high school dance held in the middle of a chapel, clearly.

Melissa let out a dark chuckle, "Things stink...but I guess I brought it on myself."

Every adjective used in conjunction with Melissa is “dark” and that's really starting to bother me now.

"Things will be ok Melissa, I promise." Mary told her, a reassuring smile on her face.

"Thanks Mary." She replied, and Mary gave her a simple nod.

As opposed to all of the complex nods she gave to her compatriots in the Zionist Liberation Front.

She turned to walk away but stopped her feet to look back at Melissa, "Sit with me at lunch today?"

"Why?" Melissa said, taken back by her statement.

"Is this not what friends do?" Mary questioned, and Melissa gave her a small smile, "I haven't had friends in a long time Mary...mostly because I couldn't stop sleeping with their boyfriends, but I'm guessing they do. I'll see you at lunch." She said, and with she walked away, leaving Mary to head over to her first period class.


When Mary entered her geometry class, she noticed Elizabeth sitting there with a distressed look on her face.

"Hey Elizabeth...HEYYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAHYEAH what's going on?" Mary questioned.

"I'll get into that later, why were you talking to Melissa today?" She said, a look of anger in her eyes as she stared at her cousin.

Mary looked down at her fingers and began to play with them, "I...we're friends, Elizabeth, and I know you won't agree with it-"

"Have you gone absolutely mad?" Elizabeth hissed.

Better than being absolutely disappointed, but I'm sure the author faces that a lot.

"No, I haven't. Once you take the time to get to know her, you'll see that she really is a nice person...

Yeah, Melissa's a great person. Remember when she...no, wait, she's terrible.

in fact, she's sitting with us at lunch today, so please, be nice." Mary told her, forcing her cousin to gasp.

"You're inviting that little-" The late bell rang, and a few kids came running inside class.

"Watch your words Elizabeth...yes, I'm inviting Melissa to have lunch with us. Doesn't God say to be tolerant and forgiving except for the gays?" Mary questioned, her eyes piercing into her cousins.

"I don't think those were his exact words." She stated ignorantly, forcing Mary to roll her eyes.

She's actually right. The whole “love and tolerate” thing didn't come until Jesus. The OT God was kind of a dick and probably would have smote Melissa for any number of petty reasons. To his credit, he did mellow out a bit once he had a kid.

"Just don't say anything rude ok? I think it would be nice if you two could both get along, don't you think?"

"Yeah...I guess." Elizabeth stated in a doubtingly tone.

"So what else was going on anyway? Mary said, but was interrupted by Mr. Habbanero who was ready to began his geometry lesson on similar triangles.

Lunch Time

"So you think Zechariah's cheating on you because he called off one date?

Oh my god, can we just drop the pretense that any of our perfectly chaste and well behaved heroes are capable of doing anything remotely bad?

"It's not just that he called off one date Mary! He also hasn't been replying to any of my letters, and we barely talk during school because Joseph or Peter's always around." Elizabeth sighed,

"He's cheating on me, he has to be cheating on me..."

I like that that's the first thing your mind goes to. “He hasn't spoken to me, therefore he's doing the worst possible thing one can do in a relationship.” What kind of obsessive, cling and demanding person are you?

God, I hope he's cheating on you so fucking hard.

"Look, I'm sorry Elizabeth but I just don't think that he would-" Mary was interrupted when she saw Melissa wandering as lonely as a cloud outside. She waved her hand in attempt to catch the young girls attention, "Melissa! Hey, Melissa!"

Melissa turned her head and found herself staring at Mary, she gave a tiny smile and walked over to her, but her smile quickly faded when she saw Elizabeth. She knew that Elizabeth wouldn't like her sitting with them at lunch, and she wasn't too crazy about being near Elizabeth, but she had to convince her that she had changed.

Yeah, she was a total bitch (in the most pre-K way) before, but come on, that was yesterday. Today is different. Because.

"Hi Elizabeth..." She mumbled as they walked over to the table to eat lunch.

"Melissa..." She said, trying to be cordial. They took a seat and after a few moments of awkward silence, Zechariah and Joseph came to sit with them. They were both surprised that Melissa was there, but they tried their best to be nice.

Their efforts went for naught as the group flew into a homicidal rampage when they noticed that Melissa had the audacity to wear clothing made of mixed cloths.

Melissa felt awkward sitting with Mary's group of friends, but Mary tried her best to include her in all the conversations. When they had finally stopped talking for the most part, Melissa turned her attention to Elizabeth, "So uh, Elizabeth, Zechariah...how are you two?"

Elizabeth raised an eyebrow at the girl, "We're...good." She turned her head to Zechariah who hadn't said anything. He quickly nodded, "Yeah, we're good."

So remember when Zechariah had not been talking to her for the past few days, despite the fact that they apparently eat lunch together everyday? I wish I didn't.

"So did you guys hear about that guy who got put in jail yesterday?" Joseph said, and everyone's eyes widened, well, expect Melissa's, "Yeah, that Ishmael guy?" Joseph nodded, "Yeah, that's the one."

Tragic story, that. Poor Ishmael just couldn't ignore that Keep Off the Grass sign.

"Isn't that the priest that lives in Bethlehem or something?" Elizabeth said, deciding to include herself in the conversation.

He was also the first and illegitimate son of Abraham. Abraham's wife Sarah was getting old and worried that she couldn't give him a kid, so she told Abraham to sleep with a housemaid. Sarah later had Issac, the legitimate heir of Abraham and cast out Ishmael. The Palestinian people and later Arabs are considered to be descended from Ishmael.

I don't know where I'm going with this, but if his name had been "Bryan" I would've forgiven so many things.

"Yeah, they said that he was going around claiming to be the Messiah, so they threw him in jail." Melissa said, shocked that her and Elizabeth were even talking.

"Great." Elizabeth muttered, then turned her attention to Mary, "That was the priest my parents went to go see during the dance."

They suspected that something wasn't right when he slapped disabled people and asked for donations.

"Really?! Why would have thought?" Mary said in completely shock. They were about to continue the conversation when the bell rang. They all got up and Melissa gave a wave to the young girl,

You know, all of them.

"See you later Mary."

"Ok, bye!" Mary waved.

Joseph held hands with Mary as they walked to class and Elizabeth and Zechariah did the same.

"Mary...I have to admit she's not as mean as I assumed she would be, but you never know, girls like that always have a trick up their sleeve. I'm not saying that I trust her, but I'm going to try to give it a shot." Elizabeth said, which was enough to make Mary smile. Just knowing that her cousin was trying was enough for her.

Not even trying, but attempting to try. Way to quarter-ass toleration there, future Christians.

Joseph walked Mary to class and when they had to depart, he kissed her softly. Mary's face was red as a tomato, and she hit him playfully. He hit her back stiffly and repeatedly.

"Ouch! What was that for?" Joseph said, rubbing his arm, "I think you gave me a bruise." He joked.

Mary rolled her eyes, "What's with the public display of affection?"

Am I reading a Bible fanfic or a school health pamphlet?

"I can't kiss my beautiful girlfriend?" He said, leaning toward her. She pushed him away gently and let out a giggle, "Alright, alright, but I have to get to class. I'll see you later."

At Home

Mary's classes seemed to fly by that day, even the Torah class that she had with Peter. Peter surprisingly didn't say too much to her that day, he seemed caught up in his own little world.

I'm assuming by the way this chapter began that the author plans on keeping Peter out of the story from here on out. I don't really mind, because he was never that interesting to begin with, but considering how much he influenced the plot, you could have at least given him a badass burial at sea or something.

Mary barely even had any time to spend with Joseph, because her mother picked her up right away.

Instead of leaving her at school for hours?

When they got home, Mary started to get to her homework. It took her so long that by the time she was done, it was time for supper. Her mother called her down and she walked down the stairs slowly. She noticed that their dinner was smaller than usual, and she also noticed the worried look on her mother and father's face.

She stayed silent, as she took a seat next to them. They said a small prayer and slowly began to eat their dinner. Mary couldn't take the silence, so she finally looked up at her parents, "YEAHYEAHYEAH I SAY HEY What's going on?"

Mary's mother put her utensil down, and looked at her daughter. Her mouth stiffened and she swallowed the last bit of her food hard, "Honey...your father has lost his job..."

Goddamnit, was he caught playing with his sack again?

Mary drew in a deep breath, then looked toward her father, an apologetic look in her eyes. She felt horrible for him.

Makes him being an asshole about Joseph seem funny in hindsight, though.

"The tax collectors are coming very soon...we have enough to give them this time, but we've seen everything that they will do if we don't. You're going to have to get a job Mary." Her father said, his voice seeming so far and distant.

Why? Is her dad incapable of getting another one? Guess those guys at the sex offender registry mean business...

"That's fine father..." She said, sure she wanted to hang out with her friends and her boyfriend, but she could understand why they would want her to get a job. The tax collectors were dangerous, and brutal.

I once saw them tip a cow over, and then they laughed about it!

"But that's not all honey..." Her mother said, staring down at her plate, "We will be arranging a marriage for you, most likely right when you're done with freshman year." She mumbled.

Good luck arranging a marriage for a peasant daughter who's father is unemployed. If you can't pay the tax collector, how are you going to make a suitable dowry?

Mary had caught it all, every last word. She felt as if time had slowed down when her mother told her that. She wanted to scream, to cry, to be defiant, but she didn't do anything. She just sat there, feeling numb. She wasn't ready for marriage, not when she had barely started to live her life, no, not now...

Actually, in what way would setting up an arranged marriage be beneficial to your financial situation? This isn't China, where filial piety made in-laws take care of each other. All it'll do is give you one less mouth to feed, while taking away one potential money-earner in the family.

Your best bet would be selling her into slavery. At least you get some money from that.

Author's Note: I hope you enjoyed this chapter! This was my first time actually writing a part from Peter's point of view. He's been written as charming, easy-going, maybe a little pushy when it comes to someone he likes, but there are some other sides to him. I'm finding that out as I continue writing.

I hope one side of him turns out to be a Jedi!

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Post #9

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post Jun 13 2016, 05:07 AM
Just when you thought this story was becoming way too formulaic and bland, it proves you absolutely right!

It's A Hard Not Life : Chapter 11

Unless some kind of non-holy ghost character is being introduced, I'm not sure I understand the premise of this title. .


The clouds seemed to frown at Mary as she looked out the window.

They had been conspiring with the bushes in her front yard for almost a year now.

It was a rather gloomy Saturday, and the preacher had already finished his sermon. It was around 12:30 when her father called her downstairs. Usually she would be down their in a minute. She loved spending time with her family, and having fun, but today she wasn't in the mood. Thoughts of the arranged marriage played into her head, and it was then that she realized how much she actually loved Joseph.

It was love at first sight of his technicolor dreamcoat.

She didn't want to be stuck in a marriage with someone who didn't love her, and knowing how these things usually went, she suspected that it would be a much older man, someone in his late 30's, who would want to bear children.

It strikes me as odd that Mary's dad was bitching about Joseph being a senior. If only the author had kept a clear timeframe for this trainwreck.

Mary still had her maidenhead, and she always suspected that if she didn't, she would lose her maidenhead to someone she truly loved, and was married to for the right reasons.

And in the right way: Through the sheets and with the sole intent of bearing children.

Also “maidenhead” is just creepy. It reminds me of tampon companies referring to their product as “sanitation napkins.”

She pictured the man with crooked yellow teeth, and dark eyes that would be nothing like the sweet, comforting eyes of Joseph. She thought of him as someone who was in high power, and forceful instead of kind and generous. She shook the thought out of her head, but she couldn't seem to let all that was going on go.

Yeah, I hate when the rape thoughts invade my o-zone too.

"Mary!" Her father called again, and she snapped back into reality.

What the author substitutes for reality, anyway.

"I'm coming!" She stated in a rather lazy tone as she made her way downstairs quickly. Her mother was making goat cheese as her father looked at her, his stern face staring into her brown eyes.

"Mary...your job begins today." He told her, and she simply nodded. She knew the day would come, but she didn't know it would be so soon. Still, she would rather work than be taken away from her family because they were unable to pay their taxes.

The Romans don't fuck around with that “arm, leg and first born child” shit.

"What do they allow young woman of my age to do? Will I be a carpenter as you are?" Mary questioned, curiosity lingering in her eyes.

He shook his head, "Your job requires a little bit more dirtier work than that. I pulled a lot of strings to get you this job. They usually don't let woman do this.

Yet he's still unemployed. Deadbeat Dad of the Year, Whatever BC, goes to Mary Christ's dad! Whoohoo! Roll tide!

Now Mary, get the most withered clothing you can find, and I will take you to work."

"But father-"

"Yes?" He questioned.

"Where is this job that I am going to anyway?" She asked him, but he only said, "You'll see."

Alright, so what jobs does Jyoti know existed in Whatever BC? She knows about carpenters, and probably other skilled labors such as masons, seamstresses and whatnot. I'm sure she understands that prostitution was huge, but Mary's supposed to be a virgin later, so that's not it. “Dirty work” could mean some kind of farming...

Who am I kidding. I bet she ends up bagging groceries at Walmart.

A few minutes later Mary was dressed in ragged clothing. It was an old dress that she had worn years ago but never had the time to sew back up. She made her way into the wagon with her father, and she stared into the gloomy sky and remained silent as he drove her to her final destination.


About a quarter hour later, or fifteen minutes in metric time, they had arrived at a rather big place. It was an entertainment center that most of the lads and gentleman went to. Mary's eyes widened at it, she knew exactly what this place was, "The Lions Den?" She questioned, as she looked to her father, who gave her a small smile, but nodded, "Yes my daughter, the Lions Den. You will help around with the animals, as well as clean up after them. It's a rather tiring job, but you only do it on the weekends anyway. They will pay you ten shekels for every hour you work."

Motherfucker. She makes like three shekles above minimum wage. Goddamn Romans and their generous labor laws!

He told her, and she nodded as she followed his lead and they paid to get into the Lions Den.

The Lions Den was the biggest entertainment center in all of Nazareth. Although the tax collectors took most of their cash, people worked hard to get a little money just to get into the Lions Den. There were of course, theater's and things like that, but everyone wanted to see the fight. They would take a Lion, and then 5 huge, angry dogs, and they would see who would last. Sometimes, if someone was sentenced to death, they would throw them in the Lions Den, and everyone would watch as the sinner was torn into shreds.

The good old days!

Mary was taken to the Lions Den when she was 8 years old, and she never truly liked it.

Taking an eight year old to a bar/casino/cage fight seems like so smart an idea, I can only imagine her father was the one to come up with it.

The brutality of it was all too much, and she could never stand to see the crazy bloodshed. She never truly understood why so many people were entertained by it, but she was admired by the building herself. It was beautiful, carved with the greatest stones, and the rocks were carved into comfortable seats for everyone to sit on.
If you wanted to sit in the front and be so close to the point where you could get the blood on you, it cost 80 shekels.

Haha, I too am interested in paying 80 shekels to contract HIV.

Mary's father introduced her to the manager of the place, NFL All Star Michael Vick. He was a tall man, and looked very young. He said that he was 65 years old, but if you were to just look at him, you'd think he was only 30. His name was David, and he soon took a liking to Mary. He thought that she would be just the girl to do the job. She was young, and she seemed hardworking enough.

Mary's father hugged Mary and gave her a kiss on the cheek, "I have to go to work today, but I will be back to pick you up in three hours." He said, and Mary nodded.

”Man, these three hour days are killing me.” - George Jetson Mary's Somehow Unemployed But Still Working Deadbeat Dad.

Quite honestly she was scared. She didn't want to mess anything up, but she trusted that God would be with her, and she followed behind David as he started to show her what she would be doing.

Real talk: I do appreciate the idea of giving your main character a shit job (literally) to knock them down a peg. It is a very slight improvement over the original. Too bad it's going to all be wasted on fake-ass drama bullshit.


Joseph had woken up late and he scrambled to get everything ready for work. He had his job as a carpenter today, and then he would send a letter to Mary and ask if she wanted to hang out.

As much as I'm sure you're all tired of hearing me nitpick historical details in a high school AU Bible fanfiction, I want to say I like how the only method of communication the author knows about is the mail. Courier systems absolutely existed in the Ancient Near East, don't get me wrong, but they were just as inefficient as today. “I'll send a letter to my girl seeing if she wants to hang, then in three days she'll send me one back, and maybe in a week we'll be able to do something.”

He was worried about her, she seemed to be growing distant every since Tuesday at school. He asked her what was wrong countless times, but she wouldn't utter a word. She told him though, that it had nothing to do with him. Joseph even asked Elizabeth, knowing that she was one who couldn't keep her mouth closed, but even though he could see a glimmer in her eyes, stating that she knew something, she wouldn't budge. All she said was that, she was going through a lot.

As the days had passed, he also noticed that Zechariah hadn't spent much time with Elizabeth. He knew that Elizabeth thought Zechariah was cheating, but wouldn't say anything. Joseph knew his friend though, and knew that he loved Elizabeth more than anything, so he told Elizabeth that everything was ok.

All these problems and more could be solved with open communication, but that wouldn't be very dramatic now would it?

Joseph sighed as he threw on some random clothes and made his way outside.

He ended up leaving the house with one flip flop and carpenter jeans.

He noticed his little brother and his mom cooking together and he figured that his father was off traveling somewhere to make money. He shouted a goodbye to them and they waved in response. He hopped in the wagon and made his way over to work, hoping that his manager wouldn't doc anything out of his pay for being a little late.

...When he arrived to work, Joachim, Mary's father and his manager was barely getting there. He greeted Joachim warmly and the man waved lazily in return.

Mary's mother put her utensil down, and looked at her daughter. Her mouth stiffened and she swallowed the last bit of her food hard, "Honey...your father has lost his job..."

Good story. I give it a 3/16.

"Nathan son of David wants his carpet fixed. Here's the address, don't waste any time getting there." He said, his tone was rough as he handed the paper to Joseph.

...Does the author think that carpenters work on carpet?

Joseph nodded, and was about to leave when he turned his head back around, "Joachim, father of Mary, may I ask you something before I go?"

”No,” he replied. And Joseph wept.

"Speak boy." He replied.

"Is Mary ill, is something wrong with her?" He questioned, swallowing a gulp in this throat.

Joachim shook his head, "No, she is not ill, nor is their anything wrong with her. Why is it you ask me this? Do you not think that I know my daughter well enough?" He questioned, and Joseph could see that he was taken his statement to offense.

I don't see how that follows. He asked you if anything was wrong with her, how would he be implying that you don't know her well?

It's just easier to say that Mary's dad is a cunt.

"Of course you know your daughter well sir, I was just asking because well...at school she seemed a little, quiet." He said, and Joachim scowled, "She is just a quiet girl...very honest too, you should be lucky to have her."

"I am sir, very lucky...and I hope you didn't take any of that to offense, I was simply asking as any worry wart would do." He spoke gently, and Joachim nodded, "Well thank you for checking in on my daughter...now, get to work, come on, off you go."

So what does Mary's dad do exactly, at this job he apparently lost but still has?


"Are you sure this is ok?" Zechariah asked, turning his attention to Melissa, who gave him a simple nod, "Yes, it looks quite alright Zechariah, stop worrying." She laughed.

Oh man, out of context innuendo. I hope no one shows up in this scene and misinterprets people's intentions. That would be too funny.

Zechariah and Melissa were never very close friends, but they had talked occasionally from time to time. Most would think it was weird to come to someone who used to have a crush on you for advice about your girlfriend, but Zechariah and Melissa were becoming very good friends, and he liked this new change in her.

Now he has a girlfriend and someone to help him accessorize. Sounds like a gay old time to me.

"I really hope that she likes it." Zechariah said as he continued the painting.

"She'd be crazy if she didn't, Zechariah. You and Elizabeth are a beautiful couple, and I wish you guys the best. I also hope that she likes her gift. This is something so special to do for her. Most guys would just buy their girlfriend some expensive item that didn't truly mean anything. Or the guys who didn't really care would get their girlfriends nothing but a lump of coal to math the darkness of their heart."

D...Do kids these days give each other lumps of coal? Is that a new trend that I'm not aware of?

Melissa said as she stared at the beautiful painting, "I had no idea you were such an artist Zechariah.

He smiled, "It's not really something that I like to talk about...it's always been about sports with me. Not even Elizabeth knows that I like to paint, but she will, very soon."
A few minutes later, Zechariah took a break from his painting and looked around Melissa's house. Melissa told him that it was ok to come over because his mother never really stays at home for a long time, and her father left her a long time ago to live and study in Bethlehem He broke it off with her mother the same day, and she had turned bitter because of it.

And it's a good idea for Zechariah to go to the house of the chick who used to bang her best friend's boyfriends. Alone.

Zechariah was a little worried about being in the house, alone with her. He had no feelings for her, or any woman for that matter, and she none for him, but he knew that his job as an assistant preacher could instantly be taken away if his boss saw what he considered an inappropriate act, which would be Zechariah staying in a house with a girl without a guardian. It would look bad on him, and his boss could easily spread the news around so that he couldn't get a job.

This isn't even being tonedeaf. You have to try to invite bad stuff this hard.

Zechariah prayed about this for the entire week though, and after all, he just wanted to do something nice for his girlfriend because he loved her.

"Would you like something to eat?" Melissa asked him, and he shrugged his shoulders, "Sure, I am a bit parched."

”I didn't fucking ask if you were thirsty. Do you want something to eat, fuckstick?”

Melissa made her way over to the kitchen, her feet swollen and bruised.

The good old days.

"I'll cook some bread and fish then, as I am a bit parched too." She smiled, feeling her stomach rumble. In an instant she thought about the baby and her smile faded. Zechariah didn't know about the baby yet, the only person who knew was Mary, her new best friend.

I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter, as much as I enjoyed writing it. Leave a review if you can.

mary iz a butt. - truthordeal

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Jun 13 2016, 05:08 AM

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Post #10

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post Jun 18 2016, 05:40 AM
Bitterness, Black Mail, and Blessings: Chapter 12

Mistakes into miracles...

It seemed as if almost everyone at Temple High was tired or upset today.

It's almost as if they're in high school and that's how high schoolers behave normally.

Even Bethany didn't seem as peppy as she usually was, though she thought otherwise. The rain was falling hard as the students of Temple High quickly made their way into their classes. Mary sat in her Torah class, practically dozing off.

So, are we going to get a follow up to that “though she thought otherwise” bit, or are we supposed to figure out for ourselves what you meant?

After Saturday, her legs were sore, and her body was numb. The work she had done was hard, but her boss was impressed. It wasn't so much that Mary was the best worker there, it was just that she was one of the few people who got down on her knees and did the dirty work, like cleaning up after the animals and giving them baths.

She does her job, then. Congrats, that's a huge personal accomplishment.

He was amazed that she didn't seem at all fazed by the huge lion she had to bathe. She said it was because she knew God wouldn't let it hurt her, and he said it was because she was courageous.

Tell that to Sigfried and Roy.

"Wow, someones got a bad case of the Monday Syndrome?" Peter joked, and Mary let out a yawn then looked toward him.

Just saying, I would not make any jokes at her expense if Mary decided to kick Peter's ass right now. And I'm pretty sure the G-man would look the other way, too.

She let out a dark chuckle, "Yeah, I guess I do...I'm just so tired."

Tired of your shit, Peter!

He nodded, seeming to understand, "So we're on speaking terms again?"

"That depends, are you ok with me being with Joseph now?" She questioned, and a smirk fell on his face. He noticed that Mary had grown a little more fiery now. She wasn't the same nervous, stuttering little girl that she had been before. She was still innocent and beautiful, but she was way more confident than she had every been. He nodded, "Yeah, I'm fine with that."

But are you fine with the current state of campaign finance reform?!

A smile fell onto her face, and you could tell how truly happy she was, "Good, because I missed hanging out with you. You always have something insightful to say about the sermons that go on."

"Isaiah, more like 'I's Gay-A,' am I right?"

He laughed, "Well I'm glad you find me, insightful."

"Ok class! Listen up!" The teacher said, a smile on his face, "Today we have a special message from ASB."

I'm glad that the American Savings Bank and/or the Association of Southeastern Biologists has decided to chime in on this important issue.

Some of the students straightened their posture, wondering what ASB would have to tell them, and others continued to slouch or go to sleep, showing how uninterested they were.

"The principal has seen the wonderful natural talents of all the students this year, and has decided to something that he's never done before. These people have shown so much respect for the school, and respect for God, that he has decided to give these few individuals an early acceptance into Tankah class for next year." Bethany smiled, and some of the students clapped at this.

So the principal has decided to send some students up to an AP level class in the middle of the year. One of whom is going to be a Freshman, I'd imagine. Man, I love Bible High School. It's just so wacky.

Every god fearing woman and man wanted to be in the AP Tankah class. It was said to have the best lectures, and discussions. They always planned things, and had religious celebrations so they worked hand and hand with ASB. Sometimes, they even got to go on field trips. In other words, it was like, being able to pick out your favorite elective.

This very strenuous class that only a select few can get into is special because they plan things? What the hell kind of classes do you go to when you're not shirking your classes to do more Bible stuff at Bible High School?

"These two individuals have shown great respect for our school and have always been eager to help out in any way that they can. They are currently in clubs or sports, and they have a good grade point average. In other words, these two individuals are Temple High's ideal students... Peter and Mary! Congratulations, you have received an early acceptance into AP Tankah class." She smiled, and the class began to clap for them.

Peter smiled at them and casually took his letter, but Mary was unable to move. She couldn't believe that this was happening to her. This was the one thing that she had truly wanted ever since she started school, and now that it was here, she was more than excited, yet her tired eyes would tell everyone otherwise. Peter tried to get Mary to stand up, but she wouldn't so he grabbed the letter for her.

"Thank you...I just- I can't believe that this is happening." Mary said, her smile as big as the sky itself.

"Congratulations you two! I am very happy for you both. Now get the fuck out of my class you towheaded inbreds." The teacher said, then went to his chalkboard, "Now class, we have a lot to do today. We are going to be working on a project solely dedicated to Passover. It will be due a week before Passover since we have the holiday off and I know many people like to get ready for Passover before hand."

And then the rest of the week you're going to do fuck all because this school is for chumps and suckers.

The teacher went on to explain what the project would be about, and as much as Mary tried to listen, she was still in shock that she had received an early acceptance into AP Tankah class.

Especially since AP is a program for high school students in 21st century AD America, not first century BC Palestine.

"Am I even worthy?" She thought to herself.

When the teacher was done explaining the project, the bell rang, and he waved to the class, "We'll talk more about this tomorrow and then we'll work on it during class. No homework today!" He shouted but half of the class had already left.

They snuck out after the second or third time the teacher decided to quit trying and took a rip in the middle of class.

"So what do you say we celebrate tomorrow after-school?" Peter questioned, hoping that he didn't sound like he was trying anything. Mary didn't seem to notice though, and was about to open her mouth when Joseph called her a bad word.

"Mary, you ready to go?" He asked, and she nodded, "Yeah." He grabbed her hand gently and they started to make their way to lunch when Peter called for her, "So is that a yes or a no?!"

"Yeah! I'll see you tomorrow!" She said as she was halfway out the door.


As much as I prefer this method of breaking up scenes, I can't help but notice that it looks like three anuses every time I see it.

"Peter, uh...congratulations." Triple H Bethany said as they walked out of class together.

"Thanks." He said as he grabbed his bag and swung it over his shoulders, knocking over four passersby.

"No problem." She mumbled, "Uh, do you maybe want to do something later? Like go out?" She said, her eyes cast on the ground. Peter let out a breath that he didn't know he had been holding.

What was he to say to this girl? Text your vote now! She was so nice, and she was even pretty, but Peter didn't feel anything for her, so why should he lead her on? At the same time, maybe Bethany could help him forget about Mary, maybe he would learn to like her. He shook the thought out of his head, then turned his attention to Bethany.

"Bethany..." He breathed, "I really appreciate how nice you've been, and I had a great time at the dance, but I think it would be better if we just stayed friends." He said, and the girls smile began to fade.

"Oh, yeah of course." She said, quickly recovering, "I'll see you later." She mumbled as she brushed past the blonde haired student. Peter felt sorry for her, but he knew that he had done the right thing, right?

Breaking Hearts and Smelling Farts: The Peter “But Not the Peter from the Bible” Story.


Melissa let out an aggravated sigh as she wiped the remains of puke on the side of her face with a napkin.

I realize that cafeteria food really isn't that great, but there are healthier alternatives to just eating vomit, Melissa.

She was tired, her back was aching, and she didn't know how much longer she could take this. She was 6 weeks pregnant now, and her clothes were starting to fill out. She was surprised that people hadn't been able to notice it yet. While she usually had curves, her stomach was always flat; now it seemed as if it was always bloated.

It's like I'm watching a Fran Drescher sitcom.

She threw the paper towel away when the bathroom door opened and in came the last person she wanted to see, Lila. She still had the smug look on her face, and Melissa rolled her eyes upon seeing her.

"Melissa! What a pleasant surprise!" She stated in a sarcastic tone, increasing Melissa's irritability.

"Whatever." She scoffed, "I've had a long day, be gone already."

"Is that anyway to talk to someone who knows your darkest secret?" She taunted, forcing Melissa's eyes to widen, "Play no games with me Lila, stop this taunting and teasing and tell me what it is you mean."

Oh good. I like my dialog awkward with a side of crippling syntax.

"I know that you - she stepped closer to Melissa, and whispered in her ear- are with child. And soon, everyone will know. That's what you get for lying with my boyfriend."

What is she going to do? Send everyone a letter on the bass-ackwards Nazarethan postal service? Put up some kind of poster, using laminate paper that didn't exist? Hijack the school's PA system?

Melissa felt her heart beat quicken, she couldn't believe what was happening.

”Oh fuck, I can't believe you've done this.”

"So help me God." She said as she felt the tears fall down her eyes. She then looked at Lila, a sudden strength inside her. She looked into the girls cold eyes and she told her, "I feel sorry for you Lila. For you hold onto grudges as if it were your last meal. You know nothing of forgiveness, or of kindness. I have learned from my mistakes, and I have changed, but you, Lila, you let sin overwhelm your body, and for that your heart is as evil as Lucifer himself." She hissed, forcing the girl into silence.

Oooh, ooh, pick me! I know stuff!

Okay, Jews don't believe in the devil, as in, they don't believe in this dude named Lucifer who likes to do evil things and be a pain in God's ass. They believe in a figure called “the Satan.” Satan though isn't a name, it's a job title. He's the Accuser, or the Hinderer depending on which translation you prefer. In the Book of Job, he is the one that tells God that Job probably wouldn't praise him if God killed his family and made him poor, leading to God killing Job's family and making him poor. But Satan isn't telling God to do all of this to be evil; that's his job. He's a dude who sits along with God and tests people who may not actually be worthy of salvation. He may also be the person in the Gospels who tempts Jesus in the desert, but obviously there's a lot of argumentation about that. The devil as we know it didn't really appear until Revelation, the last book of the Bible. The word “lucifer” actually originated as a bit of prophecy in the Book of Isaiah, which is a boring ass book so I won't get into it, but Lucifer as a proper name didn't really get popular to refer to the devil until Dante's Inferno and later Paradise Lost.

The point of all of this is that these Jewish Hebrews living in Whatever BC would not have shared the same cosmological framework as we do, and wouldn't have considered Satan a negative figure.

With that said, Melissa brushed past the girl and made her way outside the restroom.

Oh yeah, I forgot there was a story here.


"Mary, I'm really happy for you." Joseph smiled at his girlfriend, who was glowing as they made their way over to their table to eat their lunch. Mary took out a brown paper bag that had an apple, and a small sandwich with goat cheese and a sliver of meat. Joseph noticed this and was a little concerned, "Why is your lunch so small?"

Why is your face so big? See, doesn't feel really good, does it Joseph?

Mary grew nervous, what was she to say? She simply shrugged her shoulders, "I guess we don't really have as many animals in our backyard as we used to."

Having any animals in your backyard would be a sign of wealth, which clearly you don't have for reasons that are still eluding me.

Maybe Mary's family isn't poor so much as Mary's Dad is just terrible with money. Shameful for any respectable Jew.

"Oh, there's nothing going at-"

"Why can't you just let it go!" Zechariah hissed, catching the attention of Mary and Joseph. Mary was shocked, this was the angriest she had ever seen Zechariah.

Save for that time he got cut off in the hallway and needed to assert his (sexual) dominance.

"Because I want to know! If you said that it was nothing then why couldn't you respond to any of my letters or hang out with me this weekend? I know you weren't preaching sermons all weekend. So I have to ask, who's the girl?" She said, her eyes turning cold and doubtful.

Who said anything about a girl?

Zechariah let out a groan, "Why can't you just trust me?"

Because she's as clingy and obsessive as every other person in a relationship in this fic.

"Because you're being so secretive!" She replied.

Zechariah rolled his eyes as he pulled a neat sheet of paper from his binder then handed it to his girlfriend. Her face seemed to soften and she looked up at him and asked, "What is this?"

"That-" He pointed to the paper, "Is a simple sketch of the painting that I've been spending the entire week, including weekends making for your birthday. That's what kept me so busy this weekend...I figured it was better than just buying you something that didn't show I felt about you." He said in an irritated tone.

Or a lump of coal, which I guess is the style these days.

"Zechariah, I'm s-"

"Save it Elizabeth, I really just don't want to hear it." He said as he grabbed his backpack and walked away from her.

Today kids, we learned a very important lesson about trust and communication in a relationship by watching people do the exact opposite of everything common sense would tell you to do.

Joseph stood their awkwardly, watching his friend walk away. Mary and Elizabeth didn't know how he got when he was angry, so he knew that they wouldn't understand,

Anger being a foreign concept to people, after all.

"I'm going to go check on Zechariah, I'll be back." He said, hugging his girlfriend and then walking away.

Elizabeth looked up at her cousin, her eyes a bit watery. She let out a sigh, unsure of how to react to the whole situation. Elizabeth and Zechariah never really got in fights, and when they did, it was nothing like this. Mary dropped her bag down on the seat and sat next to her cousin and asked her to go bowling. There were no words needed as Elizabeth cried in her friends shoulder. Sure, it was probably a little dramatic and Mary knew that, but she had to be their for her cousin right now.

"It will be ok Elizabeth, you guys love each other, you'll work it out." She said, giving a sympathetic smile to her cousin.

"I hope you're right Mary, I really hope you are..." She said, wiping the wet tears off her cheek.

I wish I could go back to talking about Biblical exegesis. That was fun. This is not.

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Post #11

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post Jun 21 2016, 07:50 AM
Warning: Whilst writing this, I realized that this chapter is a little extreme, but it was the best I could do.

Well that inspires hope. Now if only you could include a graphic suckage warning along with your graphic content warning.

I'm trying to keep it a little kid friendly, so no one will be stoned to death. This chapter is mostly about Melissa, but in the next chapter I'll try to add a lot Mary/Joseph scenes since it's mostly supposed to be about them.

In the meantime, I'm going to take a piss. It will be pretty extreme, I tell you what.

Flee From Nazareth: Chapter 13


Melissa sat in her fourth period class just before lunch thinking of food. She was more than hungry, and she could feel her stomach start to get ready to rumble. She tried to get her mind off of things and focus on the lesson, but she could not. Her mind then started to drift off to her new friends: Mary, Elizabeth, Zechariah, and star center for the Oklahoma City Thunder, Steven Adams. Ok, so maybe it was just Mary and Zechariah that were her friends, she thought. But she was happy nevertheless. These were the first real friends that she had in a while.

Besides all the ones whose boyfriends she diddled.

Perhaps it's un-Christian of me to continuously bring that up, but you know, in fiction, characters are generally judged by their actions on the page.

She was happy to be rid of Lila, who seemed to be nothing but trouble now that she had changed.

As she was thinking of this, the door to the classroom opened, and in came one of the principals helpers.

So, the vice principal?

He was a tall man, with rough, dark skin, and black hair, "Is there a Melissa Magdalene here?" He said, his voice sounding as if he had just jogged five miles.

The teacher looked around, and Melissa raised her hand, a confused look on her face, "That's me, is there something wrong?"

Besides everything?


"The principal would like to see you, right away." He said, staring at the young girl. She grabbed her bag and looked at the students, her eyes stayed glued to Mary's as the man led her out the room. Mary seemed to get the message that she had no idea what was going on, because she nodded, and turned back around. After that everyone began to whisper about what was happening to Melissa.

What they didn't know was that the Principal was an avid fanfiction enthusiast and he wanted to make sure the drama endured in this story in the most cryptic and painful way as possible.

"Ok! Silence!" The teacher said, he had had enough of the gossiping, "Let's get back to our discussion about the Passover..." He said, trying to continue his lecture. Things had settled down after a little while, and everyone began working on their poster for Passover.

One of the students, paying homage to the Passover seder, decided to cover their poster board with matzo balls and slaughtered lamb's blood.

"I wonder where they're taking her, that guy didn't sound too happy." Mary mumbled, keeping her eye on the poster.

If the rest of this story's preoccupation with prayer is to be taken as an example, then probably some other special Bible study class that exists for no reason.

She was concerned for her friend, and unsure of how to react.

Before Peter could suggest anything, the bell rang, and she quickly made her way over to Joseph, the two walking in silence.


"Melissa, I ask you, and do not lie, is it true that you are with child?" The principal said in an incredibly low voice, his cold eyes staring at Melissa and making the goosebumps on her skin visible.

Melissa looked toward Lila, "You, you try to ruin my life for a simple mistake!"

Was the mistake sleeping with her boyfriend or getting pregnant from it?

Lila opened her mouth to say something but Melissa held her hand up, "I curse you Lila! May your soul rot in fire for eternity." She was fed up now, tired of all of the drama that was happening.

That makes two of us. Only I wasn't the cause of it to begin with.

She turned to the principal, "I came to get an education, to learn, to grow, to prosper, to laugh, to live, to kill...Yes, I am with child sir. It was a mistake, only a small-"

"You must leave." He spoke, and although his voice was calm, you could tell that he was very serious.

Her eyes widened in shock, "Leave? And where shall I go?"

Hell's really nice this time of year.

"Any school that does not lie in Nazareth." He told her, and she gasped at this, "Are you telling me that I must leave all of Nazareth? That I must leave my home?"

Yes. Fuck.

"If you wish to go to school." He told her, "Then yes, this is what you must do. But don't worry Melissa, for I will be kind to you, and put away with you secretly. Lila will swear to an oath that she will not tell others of the evil you have done least she too, be expelled from school. You have until Friday to find a new home. I would inform my mother or father if I were you." He said, not bearing to look into the girls watery eyes.

Are you telling me this school doesn't have some method of communication equivalent to the robo-dialiers most school systems have these days? I'd be impressed with the accuracy if it weren't so inconsistent.

It's not that he hated the girl, but it was a school policy. And how would that look on Temple High, having a pregnant woman go to their school?

Like every other high school in the world?

Melissa didn't know what she would do now. Tears streamed down her eyes as she begged for forgiveness and he refused. Lila suddenly began to feel bad. She was the cause of all this, not completely, but she was the reason that Melissa would have to leave. Lila knew that Melissa was changing, but she didn't want to believe it. She also knew that her boyfriend still liked Melissa, and she did not want the two of them to get back together because she was infatuated with him.

She didn't want her boyfriend to cheat on her again because she liked him. Got it. That's very complex characterization right there.

God this is stupid. The villainous plot that's been hinted at by the text for the past I don't know how many chapters is that she's going to tell the principal. And then she did, and now she feels bad. Like, what exactly were you thinking was going to happen? Fucking tattletale.

Melissa picked up her bag, and held her head to the ground as she made her way outside. Her mother couldn't know of this. She would hate her even more than she already did.

And boy howdy was that difficult to achieve.

She must leave secretly, and she must not make it a big deal. She made her way to the lunch table where she found her new found friends, she noticed the awkward silence but she had more important things on her mind.

"What's wrong Melissa?" Mary was the first to ask, but Melissa shook her head, "It's personal business, that I will speak to you about later."

”Yeah, so I got kicked out of school for getting preggers. What a drag. Find me in the Alps, am I right?”


After School

After a quiet and stressful school day, Elizabeth made her way outside, waiting for her mother to pick her up. She saw Zechariah heading over to his locker for track with his ”friend” Peter when she forced herself to call his name, "Zechariah! Zechariah! Wait!" She said, throwing her hands in the air furiously.

Zechariah sighed, then looked to his friend. Peter smirked, "Trouble in paradise?"

"Yeah, something like that." He grunted, forcing his friend to laugh, "I'll see you on the field Peter. I have something I need to take care of. For good."

"Ok." Peter told him, walking off by himself.

Zechariah felt himself tighten as he made his way over to Elizabeth, "What is it?"

Elizabeth let out a breath, then looked up at him, a concerned look on her face, "Can we...talk?"

He didn't answer.

Apparently not then. Let's move along, shall we?

"Zechariah please, I'm sorry ok. I'm sorry that I assumed you were cheating on me when you just wanted to do something nice for me. I can't help it, I get jealous because I...I don't want to lose you." She stuttered, then grabbed his hands, "I love you Zechariah." She told him, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't wipe the grin off of his face for anything.

”This stupid broad. She wants to fuck hold hands with a gay guy.”

"I love you too, it's just that, sometimes I need some time to myself alright?" He said, trying to sound as casual as possible. Inside though, he wasn't as smooth as he seemed, he was freaking out. He always thought that they would say I love you for the first time when they married, or that it would just come out and they would laugh about it, but he never thought it would be like that.

I'm not exactly sure what your expectations were, but you're a slut for telling an unwed person that you love them, I'm sure.

He pulled her into a hug, and he could feel the smile creep onto her lips, matching his own.

"So I'm forgiven?" Elizabeth said in a soft voice.

Zechariah smirked, "I could never not forgive you." Then he kissed her with a sudden passion that Elizabeth didn't know he had. His hands found her hips and her hands found his hair but they pulled away quickly, then let out a small chuckle.

"Fighting with each other really isn't fun, let's not do that anymore."

If fighting each other isn't as fun anymore, why not try spicing things up? I suggest a steel cage be added to the equation. Just remember: No unprotected chair shots to the head. We learned that lesson the hard way...

She smiled, and he let out a laugh, "Deal."

Zechariah hugged her one last time before Elizabeth's mother came,

She was just really excited for the both of them.

and they both waved goodbye to each other.

Let's be real here. For all the drama the author tries to inject into this story, is she even capable of putting in any real conflict? The shit with Lila and Melissa was absolutely retarded, but with the Zechariah/Elizabeth cheating thing, we have a small subplot that, while trite and syncopathic as always, the author apparently decided that she needed to use. In what way did this affect the overall narrative? It didn't. In what way did it create any tension or conduce any change to the character relationships? It didn't. It was resolved within a chapter of the conflict breaking out, and will probably never be brought up again. This isn't just ordinary high school drama, it's nothing.


Melissa was freaking out when she got home.

People told her not to do drugs while she was pregnant, but those people didn't understand how hardcore she felt when she did LSD.

Her mother wasn't there, and she was pacing around the room because she didn't know what to do at this moment. A voice inside her head told her to flee, to never come back, and go find some place where she could live in peace. But her feet remained still. She felt a sharp pain in her stomach and she let out a screech as she sat down on a chair. She noticed that it felt like a baby kicking. Then she smiled at her baby. She had never felt something like this before, and she was excited yet, she was upset. She didn't want to have a baby her junior year of high-school. Sure, people much younger than her gave birth, but they were married, and they had a stable job to feed them and their children.

Rather, they were married to people who had a stable job. Incidentally, a “stable job” sounds like something kinky you'd do to a horse.

The door of her house opened and in came her mother, her cold eyes not even bothering to glance at Melissa. It's not that she hated her, it was just that she didn't know how to be there for her, or how to be a good mother.

Writers have a million different ways at their disposal to convey information, and yet every time the opportunity appears you just tell your readers what they should think of them.

"Emma." She spoke softly, calling her mother, mommy. Her mother looked over to her, her eyes widened a little. They didn't usually talk, "What is it? I have to cook dinner, and clean, and then go out to work again, please be quick daughter."

See, that bit of dialog alone would have gotten what you wanted to about her character across. You're so worried about people hating your characters that you make them more easy to dislike.

"There's something that I need to tell you, and you will not like it. But I ask that you do not forsake me, nor abandon me mother. I love you, and I need your help right now." She said, her eyes becoming watery all over again. She felt her heart slam against her chest and her breathing become uneven. She didn't know what her mother would say.

She could either be incredibly supportive and kind, or go on a homophobic tirade. You just never knew!

Her mother stayed silent, but gave Melissa her full attention, "Tell me child, what is it?"

"Mother...I am with child." She said the words so faintly that she was surprised her mother had caught them. The reaction she got was even more harsh than she had expected.

”What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills...”

"What is this you have done?! Flee, flee from this house, from this town, for I do not know you, for you are not my daughter." She cried, speaking bitter words and, forcing Melissa to let the tears fall down from her eyes.

Aw man. That's the exact opposite of what Melissa wanted her to do!

Now, where was she to go? She had no home, she was pregnant, and the school wouldn't even accept her. For the first time in a long time, she bowed her knees, and she prayed to her Father, asking that he would not forget her, and that he would help her. And the Lord looked down on her, and he saw her troubles, and he did not forget her, and in fact already had ensured her safety.

Melissa: Please God keep me safe.

God: Ayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

That Night

That night, Melissa had went into a neighbors barn since her mother forbid her to stay in her house. She cried herself to sleep softly, hoping that they wouldn't hear her and kick her out. As it became colder, she tried to stay as warm as possible, pulling on her clothes and pretending that the hay in the barn was a nice soft, warm, pillow. As she slept, God came to her in a dream and said.

Melissa, listen to me, and listen carefully
You will find no comfort in the town of Nazareth
Everyone there is a nerd.
Instead, travel to Palestine
And you will meet a man of high power
And he will know of your situation and will marry you to keep you safe
He will be a good man, and he will call you wife, and you will call him husband

And the child you both have will become a prostitute. Waa-waa-waa!

Considering the content warning we got at the beginning of the chapter, I am left disappointed. If this is what passes for “extreme” for this author, then I can only assume that reading most of the Old Testament would give her a heart attack.

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Post #12

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post Jun 23 2016, 08:51 AM
Note: For any of you have that seen the Nativity Story, then you'll probably notice that a few things are similar in this chapter. I do not own the Nativity Story at all, nor do I own the Bible of course smile.gif

But I bet you do own the VeggieTales Complete Series boxset.

Disclaimer: I do not own New Song - Psalm 40. I actually just found it on metro lyrics today!

Let's see here, Psalm 40: “Go go, Power Rangers.” Odd. I don't remember that part of the Bible. Might just be an NIV thing.

Tax Collectors & Letters: Chapter 14


Mary hadn't seen Melissa in school since that fateful day that she was called into the office by the principal and Melissa never told Mary what was going on.

It was Melissa's fate to be doled out, but of course you must be the center of everything.

Inside, Mary was panicking, but she was sure that God would be protecting her somehow, she just wished that she knew what was going on. After Elizabeth and Zechariah had solved everything, especially the childhood obesity epidemic, things went back to normal, but Mary and Zechariah would talk quietly about Melissa when it was just the two of them. They were her true friends, and they quite honestly missed her. It was a sunny Saturday now, and Mary tiredly put on her ragged clothes for work. Joseph still didn't know of her job, but she liked it that way.

When she was done putting on her clothes, she threw her long, dark brown, hair into a braid and was satisfied. She head downstairs and grabbed something to eat when she noticed the sound of trumpets and she followed her mother outside.

Right on their doorstep, popular ska band Less Than Jake began skanking. Mary's broke, unemployed dad had hired them for a private concert.

When she got out there, her mother held her hand tightly, and she could tell that her mother was shaking a little. She knew what was happening, the tax collectors were here. Mary could only hope that her and her dads job covered everything. She said a prayer inside her head as they ordered for everyone to get into a large line. Her father stood in front of Mary and her mother and fell silent. From far away, Mary could see Joseph standing next to his father and little brother, he hoped that they had enough money as well. The minutes tickled by slowly until there was only one person in front of Mary's family.

"80 shekels." The Roman solider said, his voice rough and seemingly rough.

80 shekles?! That's eight hours of work at Mary's job. That's two fucking week's ' worth of pay. If you worked 45 weeks a year (which is ludicrous because there were no labor laws and people didn't get vacation weeks) you would make 1800 shekels, making the tax a little over 4% effective tax rate.

Goddamn those Romans and their generous wages and their stupidly low tax rates!

The skinny man's face seemed to drop, "I-I don't have enough shekels, but if you would just let me have a little bit more land then I could-"

“I don't have any money, so give me something more valuable than money.” Fucking Jews.

The roman put his hand up, "You can what! What will you provide?!"

Not a living for his family, that's for sure.

The man fell silent for a while, and bowed his head down in fear, "P-please-"

The man looked around, and he pointed out his family, "Soldiers! Take the girl!"

The soldiers raced after the girl, who was trembling with fear. They snatched the girl away but the mother tried her hardest to push them off of her.

"NO! NO! Not my baby! Let go of my baby!" She wept, pushing through the soldiers but they pushed her back and placed the girl harshly on the donkey and rode away. The mother let the tears fall down her eyes as she wept loudly, ripping her clothes in the process to show her grief.

I might be moved to care if at any point these people were referred to any name besides “the mother” and “the girl.”

The husband held her tightly, embracing her in a hug as they both wept together.

Mary's mother had to bite her lip just to stop her from gasping. She clung to her daughter even tighter, fearing for her family. When they got closer to the roman solider however, they had enough money and the roman soldiers let them go freely.

Well at least nothing bad happened in that scene.

To Mary, I mean. Because she's the one we all care about, after all.


The Lions Den

After the tax collectors collected their money, Joachim decided to take Mary to her job.

She wasn't scheduled to work or anything, he just wanted to leave her somewhere for a few hours.

The car ride was silent, and Mary knew that her father was thinking about the girl who was taken away.

Now this deadbeat motherfucker is spending money buying yet-to-exist technology like cars!

Quite honestly, she was thinking about it too. She couldn't get the image of the young woman's pained face. She couldn't get the piercing screams of the mother and father and the loud weeping of the parents out of her head. The wagon pulled to a stop, jerking Mary out of her thoughts for a few moments.

"I will pick you up when your shift is over." He said, staring his daughter in the eye. He couldn't imagine what he would be able to do if Mary was ever taken away from him. He would cry, maybe even want to die. That was his only child still living in the house, all the others had died in mysterious circumstances right after they bought a lucrative life insurance policy, and he would do anything to protect her because he loved her as any father should love their child.

Mary walked into the Lions Den, and was quickly greeted by her boss who wore his usual smile,

"Today is a pretty easy day Mary. All you have to do is wash that lion over to the right and make sure he's well fed for his match today." He smiled, and Mary nodded obediently.

Why bother feeding the lion when he's just going to eat again later?

She walked over to the lion, letting out a sigh as she grabbed the huge bucket of water and dug her hand through it to get to the large, ripped, rag. She was surprised that these lions were so well trained. At any given moment they could snap and eat her whole, but they hadn't, and she knew it was because the Lord was watching over her.

The aforementioned training might also be helping, but I dunno, I guess we can just chalk up another success to the G-man.

As she washed the lion, images of the family began to stir into her head again. She knew that she didn't know the woman at all, but just the thought of what she would have to endure for the rest of her life because her family didn't have enough shekels, worried Mary. To get her mind off of things she focused more on cleaning the lion, then began to sing a bible song that they would sometimes sing during sermons.

"I will wait for you o Lord
Cause you have filled my heart with joy
You lift me higher and higher
You're my one and only desire."

”Yeah, that's cool Mary, but I only love you as a child and if you keep this gay shit up I'm going to have to smite you,” God replied.

"Mary!" A worker called, interrupting her singing. She turned and looked at him, he was a regular who seemed to be at the Lions Den all the time, "Yes sir?"

"Here's the food! Boss says we need to feed him quickly, his fight is coming up soon." He said, handing her the bag of food for the lion. Mary took the food from him, and when she was finished bathing the lion, she fed the food to him, and he was ready to go. Her boss let her out early, saying that that was all that needed to be done. She only got a tenth of what she would usually be paid because she didn't work for that long.

And you get paid after every shift! The Romans are so fucking bad at being cruel overlords!

Since her father still was nowhere to be found, she stayed and watched the 'game' begin. She was disgusted with it, and she couldn't help but feel sympathy for both of the lions. All their life they were being forced to fight until they were bloody, just so people could have a source of entertainment.

It's called "art," Mary, I don't expect a pissant like you to understand! God!

When she finally couldn't stand it anymore, she decided to wait outside for her father.


Joachim greeted Joseph warmly and told him that today it would be a slow day. He only had one carpet to fix and it was only a few miles away.

Goddamnit. The author really does think that carpenters work on carpets and not woodworking. I expect someone with the audacity to write a Bible fanfic to be brain dead, but every time I think you've set the standard, you astound me with your nonsense.

Joseph nodded and said thank you, but before he left he had to talk to Mary's father about something, "Sir, I uh, was wondering if I could maybe send a gift to Mary, well, if you could maybe give it to her for me."

Joachim folded his arms and studied the young man. He was certainty a good, strong, man, and Joachim had no reason not to accept whatever this gift would be. But he wanted to get to know Joseph as more than just a working partner.

If he was really interested in his daughter, he would have to find more about him. He didn't know if he would last, after all, Joachim had a list of men that Mary could marry that had plenty of money even if they were old in age,

None of said money you would get, you rambunctious Jew.

but he knew Mary loved this man, so he looked at Joseph, and forced a smile on his face, "Why don't you give it to her yourself? Come over for dinner tonight, you know the address."

Joseph's eyes widened at this, "That would be great sir, I'll just have to ask my parents if I can come over."

Joachim nodded, "Alright, well off you go."

Yeah, what is your job again, Mary's Dad? Do you do anything, really?


Joachim picked Mary up and they made their way home. It was beginning to get dark out, and Mary watched as the stars began to brighten. She smiled, she had always loved to look at the stars and admire the sky.

"Joseph might be coming over for dinner tonight...he said he has eh, something to give to you...a gift of some sort." He said, forcing Mary to raise her eyebrows, "So you invited him over? I'm surprised to say the least father."

"Oh?" He questioned, "And why is that?"

Every interaction you've had with him so far has been you acting like a prick to him, for one.

"Well I mean...you've made it pretty clear that you don't really want the two of us together." Mary said, fiddling with her hands.

He let out a sigh, "Maybe...but I can see that you two love each other. It's the same way I love your mother, so now I must get to know him better, as more than my work partner."

Mary smiled at the thought, "Thank you for accepting us."

He still hasn't accepted that Zechariah kid though. That boy ain't right.


When Mary got home, she made her way upstairs to change. If Joseph really was coming over, she would need to look nice. She was about to go take a bath when she felt something hit her window. She walked over to her window curiously and opened it to see a tall and slender pigeon standing there. A message was attached to it's body and she gently grabbed the letter. The pigeon flew off and she looked at the dirty letter strangely. She wondered who it could be.

You realize that carrier pigeons don't deliver directly to people's houses right?

What am I saying, of course you don't.

Joseph? She doubted it, if he was coming over today, why would be bother sending a letter, not to mention he had already sent her a letter a few days ago.

And if pigeons are like texts, he probably sent 500 in the past two days as well.

Peter? No, it couldn't be. He hadn't really been sending her letters lately.

Mary debated how she felt about that for three hours, then started pouting because she wasn't getting enough attention.

Maybe it was Elizabeth, but she highly doubted that. Elizabeth didn't live to far from her, so she could easily take the wagon over there. Was it Zechariah? No, he never sent her letters.

You know, Mary, there's this thing called “opening the fucking letter” that could fill you in on all the finer details.

She stopped asking herself questions and finally decided to just read the letter. She opened the rigid paper and squinted her eyes to look at the small writing. She let out a gasp, it was from Melissa!


Dear Mary,

If you've gotten this letter, then that means that I'm close to my stay for the night
Mary, I really hope this gets to you. I just wanted to say thank you so much for everything.
You have been such a wonderful friend to me, and you always defended me when I couldn't
do it myself. I'm sorry to say that you won't be seeing me at school anymore. The principal
kicked me out because I am having a child, and my mom kicked me out because she didn't
approve. I'm heading to Palestine as the Lord directed me too. I don't wish to make this long.
I only wish to say one thing, never change who you are Mary, and I hope that you can help
others like me, who need a friend.

This part is justified like that in the original copy.

Mary didn't know what to think. She was completely at shock with this. She couldn't believe that the principal would kick her out. Yes, what she did was a sin, but are we not supposed to forgive?

No. You live in the OT world, bitch.

She stared at the letter for what seemed like an eternity before she looked out the window and prayed to God that she would be alright. She prayed that God would watch over her, and that the stars would guide her in the right direction. It was then that she realized that regardless of everything Melissa had done in the past, she would always consider her a friend.

Makes all that passive-aggressive, judgmental cuntishness at the beginning of the story look really darn stupid, doesn't it?

And that's the final end to the Melissa Magdalene subplot, the only part of this story that had anything resembling a coherent narrative. From here on out, it's nothing city.

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Post #13

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post Jun 30 2016, 08:54 AM
A/N: This is going to be a pretty short chapter because I really just want to focus on Mary/Joseph for this one.

Good to see that nothing has changed. Here I was afraid that you were going to start being too original.

I tried to write a cute scene from them in here, and a happy scene as well. I hope you guys enjoy it.

Stop. Your sales tactics are too great for me.

Love And Marriage: Chapter 15

When Mary was out of the shower and dressed nightly, she ran a comb through her dark hair and smiled as she looked into the mirror. She smoothed out her dress and made her way downstairs just in time to hear a knock on the door. Her mother gave her a smile and handed some plates for her to set out on the table. Her father went and opened the door and gave a small smile when he saw that it was Joseph Smith, here to talk about the glories of Mormonism.

"Right on time Joseph, come on in." Joachim said, opening the door wide open for him.

Joseph nervously made his way in as Joachim closed the door. Inside he was freaking out. Sure he had met both of Mary's parents, but he had never actually sat down and had dinner with them. This was a big step, and he just hoped that he wouldn't mess things up, "Thank you for having me."

”I know it's a struggle for your family to feed another person, given how my boss is unemployed,“ said Joseph, immediately messing things up.

"Oh, it's not a problem at all." Anne spoke in a light tone, smiling at Joseph, "Why don't you all have a seat?"

Hey, Mary's Mom has a name now. That's cool. It's too bad she lives in a world where women are like NASCAR: No rights.

Joachim and Joseph took a seat and Joseph eyed Mary from a far. She was helping her mother get the dinner set up and she looked absolutely beautiful. Not that she didn't always look beautiful to Joseph, but as corny as it was, each time he saw Mary, she only became more and more beautiful to him. Mary grabbed a steaming plate of food and set it in the middle of the table, then took a seat with her mother.

"Today we're having duck and peas. There's some goat cheese still left if any of you would like, just let me know when we're done eating."

Okay, we get it. You eat organic. Brag about it some more.

She said in a cordial tone, forcing Mary to smile, "It' looks great mother." They said a short prayer to the Lord, letting Joseph begin since he was the guest, and then they began to eat their duck.

That is a very dangerous phrase to type in a hurry.

"Thank you Mary." She said, then turned her attention to Joseph, "So Joseph, how is school coming along?"

He smiled, "It's great, thank you."

There was an awkward silence for a while, no one said a word as they ate their duck.

”So Joseph, how is work coming along?

“It's great, except for the part where I'm a carpenter and all I do is pull up people's rugs.”

There was an awkward silence for a while, no one said a word as they ate their fuck DAMNIT!

"Uh, Joseph actually has straight A's!" She said, looking at her mother and her father.

"Wow, Joseph. Very impressive, and are you in any sports, or clubs?" Anne questioned, looking at the young man.

"Well uh, no-"

Joseph had attended a few meetings of the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, but left when he discovered that the proceedings weren't Christian enough.

"Joseph's probably too busy helping his little brother at home though." Mary said, almost forcing a laugh out of Joseph. He knew that she was trying to make him look good, and he smiled at her, mouthing a secret thank you.

At least she assumed it was a “thank you.” For all she knew he was mouthing “rest room” or “rape coons.”

"A little brother huh? Must be a handful." Joachim joked, and Joseph laughed, "You have no idea sir."

"I was the oldest out of all of my little brothers.

As opposed to being the oldest out of all of his older brothers.

Always having to take care of them and play games got really tiring." He said, remembering his childhood.

As time flew by, the conversation began to pick up, and everyone felt comfortable and at ease.

Well, until Anne decided to as a very serious question.

”How much do you know of the Elders' plans to take over the banking industry?”

"Since we're all here, I think we should discuss something, right Joachim." She said, her eyes staring into his. He knew exactly what she was talking about. Her cleared his throat, as he put his fork down, staring at the half eaten duck, "Uh, well...I think it would be best if we had his parents here as well, to see how they would feel about it."

"Right, of course. But shouldn't we know how the boy feels?" Anne pushed, and he sighed in defeat, "Yes, I suppose so."

"What's going on?” Joseph asked, looking toward Mary who was just as confused.

"We wanted to talk about an uh...arranged marriage. We've been looking into one for Mary here, but we haven't really found anyone suitable. We were thinking of getting your parents on board with having the two of you marry each other, after Mary's freshman year of course. I mean, you'll be off staring your own life, and nothing will happen right away. Of course there are certain procedures that you have to go through, and this will take about a year all by itself, but we thought we should discuss things." She said, cutting the cooked duck with her knife.

So in the alternate universe where arranged marriages were done primarily for financial gain outside of Asia, why would you want to arrange a marriage between your daughter and another presumably poor family? At that point, why bother with arranging a marriage at all? I mean I get that the author needs it to force development because she's a hack, but damn. Some internal logic would be appreciated.

Mary's eyes widened at the talk of marriage. Sure she loved Joseph but was now really the time to discuss something like this? Mary practically choked on her duck by the time her mother was finished talking, then she shyly looked to Joseph who gave her a small smile.

"So what do you think?" Anne questioned.

"Uh I think there'd be less violence in the world if the police just beat everyone to death-"

"Joseph! Did you not have something to give to me? A gift of some sort?" Mary interrupted, a small smile tugging at their lips.

"Oh yes! Of course! It's in the backyard actually, more of a family gift to be honest." Joseph said, his eyes still pouring into Mary's.


Mary turned to her father, "Father, may I be excused from the table to go see this gift?"

Joachim nodded, "But don't be long you two."

How big is your backyard that you would have to warn them of that?

Mary and Joseph got up and made their way outside, the cool air hitting them as they started walking into the backyard. Mary let out a sigh, "I'm sorry about my mom...I had n-no idea she was going to say something like that." She said, feeling the heat rise to her cheeks.

"Don't be, your mom was just asking me, it was uh, polite of her I guess." He said, letting out a nervous laugh.

She had asked the mailman and the cashier at BC Walmart, so it was only good manners to also ask Joseph.

Mary was about to ask him something when he pointed to the right side of the yard, "I put it right over there." They walked toward it, and Mary saw that it was a huge cow. Mary's eyes widened, "This thing has so much meat on it that it could last for I don't know, a whole year!" She chuckled. Maybe she was exaggerating, but the cow was huge!

How does the carpenter's apprentice afford a cow when the elder carpenter is just struggling to make ends meet? I'm really feeling justified in all of my comments about Mary's Dad spending money like a retard.

Joseph let out a laugh, "Yeah, I thought your family might like something like that."

"Wow, thanks Joseph...that's really nice of you." She smiled as she pet the cow, "We should name him - it is a him right?"

Joseph laughed, "As far as I know yes, it's a him. And what are we to name him?"

Name him “Your mom.” OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH

Mary smirked as she stroked her chin, "I don't know, something simple like. - she snapped her fingers- Moo!"

He raised an eyebrow and tried to stop himself from laughing, "Moo?"

"Yeah, I mean, it's simple, and it makes sense. Cows always moo." She giggled, and he smiled at her childlike behavior,

He liked that. It really turned him on.

"I got you something else too. From my uncles silversmith shop." He smiled, "Close your eyes Mary."

Mary smiled, closing her eyes as she drew in a breath. The cold air blew her way but she didn't care, it felt good, to be there with Joseph, to be free, and have fun. She felt his gentle touch that gave her shivers as he put something on her. With a tiny click, it was on, and she opened her eyes, then looked down at the shinning silver medal.

Mary won second place in Joseph's heart, right below a tied first place between God and the pizza his family ordered from BC Papa John's the other night.

It was a necklace, with their names engraved in it.

"Even though he's my uncle, I still had to pay 15 shekels for it, but that's really cheap considering how much stuff like this usually costs in Nazareth." He told her, and she smiled, looking up at him with her sparkling eyes, "Thank you Joseph...I really appreciate it."

Fifteen shekels buys a necklace, eighty shekels is the super onerous tax burden that the corrupt Romans levy.

I'm not letting that go.

He smiled, then leaned in, planting a soft kiss to her lips. The kiss lasted for what seemed like an eternity until Mary lightly pushed him away, "W-we should probably head back inside."

"Yeah, I should make it back home before it's too dark out." He said, and they made their way back inside the house. Joseph properly said goodbye to Anne and Joachim, and they shook his hand to say goodbye. When he left both of Mary's parents looked to her and she smiled, "Well?"

"Well...I uh, I guess I approve." He said, mumbling the last few words, which forced Mary to let out a giggle.

Beggers can't be choosers, after all.

It had been an almost perfect day for her. She just wished that Melissa were still here, in Nazareth.

Instead of being dead, in Bethlehem.

Well then, kiddos, what say we double up again, because I just can't stop consuming shit, apparently.

The Freshman of Temple High: Chapter 16

The end of the semester was coming to an end (no pun intended)

That's a rhetorical redundancy not a pun you cockmangling piece of shit—Alright, deep breaths. Count to ten. Ignore the voices telling you to break things...

and all of the students seemed excited for that. Bethany was excited because she knew that she would be doing so much community work over the summer, and Elizabeth was excited because Zechariah had gotten a raise and that meant that he could take her shopping.

Man, finally someone's acting like a teenager in this fic.

Mary was just happy to have some time to unwind, and Joseph was a little sad because it was his last year at Temple High, and he would miss being able to spend the entire school day with the woman that he loved.

Most of the classes were pretty boring, but Mary was happy to be working on her Passover poster with Peter. She had to admit, they made a great team and she was sure that they would get an A on it.

Why are they working on a Passover project in the middle of winter? Hold on a second. When is this chapter taking place? The dance was the second week of school, and it was never brought up how or if time was passing that quickly. Some mention should have been given to the first semester ending, right?


As much as I give the author shit for forgetting even the biggest and most crucial details, I did not believe that she skipped an entire year's worth of events, so I went back to check the story. The Passover project is mentioned twice (it flew past me both times so mea culpa) and there's even a reference to having it as a vacation. I even went and checked the first chapter to see if school had begun on the spring term, but she references people talking about their summer. So one of three things happened: 1) The author doesn't know when Passover is. 2) The author is giving an absurd amount of time for a project. 3) Six months went by in the story and the author never addressed that.

This is the bottom. I've hit the bottom rung of storytelling obliviousness.

As Mary continued to write some historical facts about the Passover, as well as sharing what her family did every year, she noticed Peter and Bethany stealing glances at each other. A smile tugged at Mary's lips, she was happy for the two of them. She nudged him playfully, "So, I take it you and Bethany-"

"We're just friends...

Drink. Drink until it no longer hurts, then keep drinking until it hurts even more.

sure we go out sometimes but it's nothing serious." Peter said, moving his eyes back to the poster.

"Really? Just friends huh? Then why were you guys just stealing glances at each other. You know I used to do that with Joseph all the time and-"

"I'm not like you and Joseph."

And thank God for that.

He said in an agitated tone, and Mary looked at him with a confused expression, "Are you ok Peter?"

He let out a sigh, "No, I'm not...I'm sorry Mary it's just that, I'm a little out of it these days. My mom's been really sick and I feel like no one can do anything about it." Mary touched his arm gently, "I'm sorry Peter, I really had no idea. I hope she gets better."

Just then, the bell rings, and the teacher tells the students that their poster is due tomorrow.

Making Passover tomorrow.

I'm just going to assume that everyone in the story fell into a coma after Melissa died got exiled, and woke up around April.

"I hope so too Mary. I really hope so. I probably won't see you tomorrow so I just want to wish you a happy Passover now. I'll uh, I'll see you later." He said with a sad look on his face as he grabbed his bag and made his way out the door. Mary truly felt sorry, and she would keep Peter's mother in her prayers. She felt hopeless knowing that she could do nothing about it.

Oh well. Time to move on to more nothing and never bring this up again!

"Mary? You there?" Joseph said, waving a hand in front of her face. She snapped back into reality and nodded, "Oh, yeah I'm fine. Let's get to lunch." She said, grabbing her bag and heading out with Joseph.


"Elizabeth I'm telling you, there is no way that a guy can withstand a lion like that. It had to have been some kind of fluke." Zechariah told her, and Joseph and Mary eyed the two curiously as they sat down for lunch.

Man, if this turns into another whiny mess about Cecil the Lion, I am going to eat a delicious turkey sandwich.


"What are you two talking about?" Joseph questioned with an amused look on his face.

"Elizabeth here thinks that the last Lion Den show involved a man fighting off a Lion and actually winning." Zechariah said, chuckling at the thought.

Stu Hart could.

"That's crazy!" Mary said, and Zechariah smirked as he looked at Elizabeth, "See, I told you. He didn't win, the lion did."

"No I mean, there was no man fighting a lion yesterday. It was two lions fighting. And the bigger one, Goliath they call him, won." Mary said, and they all raised their eyebrows at her.

What? Is it so wrong to enjoy sports these days? Fucking nerds.

"How do you know that?" Joseph asked, "I thought you hated watching the Lion Den shows. I tried to take you a few months ago and you refused." He said, and the table suddenly grew quiet.

Mary was unable to speak. She didn't know why she cared what anyone thought of her working at the Lion Den, but she did. She felt like she should be able to tell her friends.

And I'm like 90% sure that Elizabeth is supposed to know already, but who knows how much stuff from past chapters matter.

She let out a sigh, "Ok, you guys there's something that I need to tell you-"

"OK EVERYONE LISTEN UP!" Bethany said, standing with her ASB friends.

Oh my god. Does this school not have some sort of PA system to weed out the funky bunch here? It's historically inaccurate, but fuck man, that's never stopped you before.

Everyone turned their attention to Bethany, who wore her usual smile, "The principal has decided that he wants to help the upcoming freshman by assigning them to a student and showing them around the school. Most of ASB will be doing this, but if you'd like to sign up, you can. All grades are welcome, so if you want to join, come on and sign up." She said, trying to sound as encouraging as possible.

"Hey, that seems really cool. I think I'm going to sign up for that." Elizabeth said, and Zechariah smiled at her, "You should go for it Elizabeth, you'd be great."

Until one of the freshmen ask another student a question and she accuses them of cheating on her.

"Yeah, maybe I should. Thanks Zechariah." She smiled, giving him a kiss on the cheek and heading over to sign up.

When she got back everyone talked normally for a while, completely forgetting about the Lion Den incident.

Man, we sure dodged a bullet there. Something was almost about to happen, and we can't have that!

"Hey, where is Melissa?" Zechariah questioned, noticing that she hadn't been at school lately, "She hasn't been here for a while. Is she ok?"

Mary let out a breath, "I hope so...she was expelled."

"What?" Elizabeth said, completely in shock, "I mean I guess it's not that surprising she is kind of-"

"Elizabeth! She's changed for the better. You just have to get to know her." Mary said in a defensive tone.

That's kind of an impossible task now, considering that she's dead no longer in Nazareth.

"So you don't know why she's been expelled?" Joseph cut in.

"She got expelled because well - Mary lowered her voice- She's with child, so the principal kicked her out secretly." Mary whispered, and the group was shocked.

Not that secretly, apparently.

After that lunch was completely silent, no one really knew what to say.

Except Elizabeth, who proceeded to make high five gestures at the others until it spoiled their lunch.



After-school, Mary and her friends stayed to help out with the sermon. Usually it would just be Peter, Bethany, and Mary. But Bethany had a lot of stuff to do, and Peter wasn't feeling well. Since Elizabeth was spending the night at Mary's house, she had no other choice. Joseph just wanted to hang out with his friends and Zechariah's extra track practice was canceled at the last minute.

What they did to help out, who the fuck knows. It's a sermon, not a laser light show. It's not like there's a huge amount of set up.

After the sermon, Mary and her friends sat and waited for their parents to pick them up.

"So Mary, what were you going to say today?" Joseph questioned, and Mary raised an eyebrow,

"About what?"

"About the Lions Den. Did you go there with your dad or something?" He asked, and all of her friends looked at her.

I mean...technically...

"Well...not exactly." She said, drawing in a deep breath, "The truth is you guys, I actually work at the Lions Den now. My family really needs the extra money, so I bathe the lions and stuff."

For a minute no one said anything, but then all too quickly everyone started busting up with laughter. Mary gave them all a frown and folded her arms over her chest, "What's so funny about that? I really do work at the Lions Den you guys!"

Going from “humiliated by doing dirty work” to “obstinately defensive about it.” Ah, high school.

"I'm sorry Mary I-I mean, I knew you were getting a job and everything but the Lions Den-" Elizabeth had to stop because she was laughing to hard.

The situation itself wasn't that funny, Elizabeth had just remembered a dirty limerick.

"I know you're a strong girl Mary but I just can't imagine you working with lions all day." Zechariah laughed, and Mary glared at all of them, her boyfriend Joseph in particular who stopped his laughing and cleared his throat when he saw the serious look on their faces.

"You guys cut it out alright? Mary's obviously being serious about all of this." Joseph said, swooping a hand over Mary's shoulder and giving her a small smile that she didn't return.

Honestly, I don't get the incredulity. Who would brag about bathing lions as a joke?

"If I get you guys free passes to the Lions den tomorrow, would you believe me?" Mary asked, determined for them to believe her.

"Yeah! But good luck with that. Even if you do have a job there, why would he just give you free tickets?" Elizabeth questioned, and Mary smiled, "He can give that to me instead of having to pay me for the week. So are you guys in?"

Man I'm so glad that the work you do to help support your family wasn't ever needed.

Her three friends looked at each other, "Yeah, we're in."

"And if you find out that I'm right. You - She pointed to Zechariah- have to sing to Elizabeth in front of everyone at the Lions Den." Mary said in a gleeful tone.

Zechariah was about to pull out when Elizabeth cut in for him,

She's really desperate to have kids.

"Deal! There's no way you work at the Lions Den Mary, there just isn't."

Oh boy. It looks like next chapter we'll get treated to the author inserting whatever shitty pop song she enjoys at the moment. I can hardly wait...

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Post #14

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post Jul 7 2016, 08:12 AM
Before we begin with today's activities, I would like to share something that the author wrote on her FF.Net homepage at some point since I stopped ganking her chapters:

IMPORTANT NOTE: (PLEASE READ) To everyone who read my BIBLE stories, I WILL BE DELETING THEM MOSTLY. While I came from a good place, and I truly want to help people come to Christ, the book of Life is something to take seriously, and placing it under the category of Bible fanfiction just doesn't do it justice. The truth is guys, the Bible is not fiction, it is a book that is very alive and powerful. Hebrews 4:12 - For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

By no means do I think that many of the things I have written have been God giving me the words to say, but I just can't place it under this category. I will keep some of the stories and movie them to my fiction press account, and when I am finished I will put a link to fiction press account down below. Thank you to everyone who read these stories and really got something out of it. They're God's words, not mine, but I love to see Him transform people. Also, thanks for reading this rather lengthy note. Stay beautiful and blessed!

I'm not sure how this revelation (hehe) hit her, whether it was simply because she figured out that writing Bible fanfiction is stupid or she found out about this mock and meant to stymie me, but regardless, I'd like to take credit for once again helping to destroy anime fanfiction. We did it, yay!

Now I guess we can continue to the fanfiction.

Note: Wow, can you believe it? Only one chapter left, yay!

The ending has legitimately snuck up on me, probably as a result of the last chapters being literally nothing.

Lol. I have to say that as I was re-writing this I did like Grace's old character better, but if I made it like that then I would have to add more chapters so I could go into depth about her,

I have no idea who “Grace” is, since I never got this far in my original mock, but I'm glad that we can agree that neither of us wants more of this.

and I really want to just keep most of the story focused on Mary/Joseph. Anyway, I hope you enjoy this chapter.

Man, this realization's put me in such a good mood, I think I might actually enjoy this chapter instead of be eternally frustrated by it. Thanks, author.

Disclaimer: I do not own Song of Solomon by Jesus Culture.

...oh. Yeah...

Meet Grace: Chapter 17

The next day, all of the students who had picked a student to help were called into the office at different times. Joseph decided to do it as well, a little something to help out the incoming freshman since he knew how it felt to be one. Elizabeth was called into the principals office and she made her way in eagerly. She wondered who she would be helping around, and if it would remind her of her earlier years at Temple High. She knew that her freshman year wasn't one of her best, but if she could have known a few tips about high-school when she was younger, she would have greatly appreciated.

Maybe it's a Christian school thing and I just missed out on that experience, but...it's still the middle of the year. Why are the upcoming freshmen already coming into the high school?

"Elizabeth, I'm glad you're here. I want to talk to you about the new student that you will be helping around the school for the rest of the week." The principal smiled as he ushered for her to sit down. Elizabeth took a seat on the wooden chair and smiled, "Great, where is she?"

In the bathroom, smoking with cigawettes.

"Father! This place looks so lame! I want go home!"

”Well too fucking bad, because you don't get to choose to go to school you little shit.” Principal Ezekiel Jesus Ezekiel roared.

The girl whined, and Elizabeth's eyes widened, "Please tell me this isn't the girl Lord."She stated in her head, and just as bad luck would have it, the principal stood up and smiled, "Elizabeth, this is the student you will be helping around. My daughter, Grace. I trust she will be in good hands?"

”I got a policy with Allstate, but I just wanted to make sure.”

Elizabeth had to stop herself from screaming. She gave a small nod then tried her best to be cordial, "Hi Grace, it's nice to meet you. My name's Elizabeth, ask me any questions you'd like about Tempe High." She smiled.

Question 1: Why is everything so gay? Question 2: Why is everyone so gay? Question 3: Why do you hate gay people?

Grace looked the older woman up and down. She thought she was pretty, with curly hair that fell down her shoulders and a nice smile. But she also seemed way too nice. She could easily rip this girl to shreds,

Man what a warm and loving set of characters this author has introduced.

she thought to herself as she gave the woman a smirk and shook her hand, "I do have one question."

"Oh, ok what is it?" Elizabeth smiled.

"What's with your ugly outfit? Did some chickens get a hold of it?" She laughed, forcing Elizabeth's face to turn red which only made her want to laugh more,

That was...a good one, relatively speaking.

"Daddy! I don't want someone helping me around! I can already tell that she's boring." She whined, and this time Elizabeth couldn't stop herself from rolling her eyes or crossing her arms over her chest.

I mean, there's nothing to say to that. She's got you pegged.

Before she could open her mouth though, the principal let out a nervous laugh, "Now now Gracie, don't be rude. Elizabeth here is tons of fun, I should know, I'm the principal, and I'm sure you two will have a great time, now, off you go."


"She can't be that bad." Mary said as they sat in geometry class, hearing another boring lecture on the introduction to trigonometry.

”Class, this is a triangle.”

“No, not more stupid shapes UGHGHGHGHGH!” Elizabeth cried as everyone's desk suddenly caught fire.

"But she is! She's rude, rotten, and she seems defiant. She looks like an angel sure, with her blue eyes and blonde hair, but she's far from that." Elizabeth said in an irritable tone.

Rude and rotten are forgivable. But defiant? How dare she!

Mary let out a giggle and the teachers looked at them sternly, so they silenced themselves.

Before the teacher could silence them permanently, I'm assuming.



When lunchtime came, Elizabeth introduced Grace to all of her friends.

"Grace, these are my friends Mary, Joseph, and Zechariah. Guys, this is Grace, the new student I'll be watching over for the rest of the week." Elizabeth huffed. She had already had enough of the little girl.

And now Elizabeth knows why all of the teachers hate her.

"Awesome, nice to meet you Grace." They all stated cordially.

Grace's eyes lingered over to Zechariah for a while, "You're cute!" She giggled, her face flushed.

Elizabeth's eyes widened and she looked at the girl, "Grace!" She exclaimed.

Fuck Zechariah for cheating on her again!

"What? I never thought a loser like you could have a friend as cute as him. What was your name again?" Grace said, and Joseph and Zechariah couldn't help but bust up laughing, "I'm Zechariah, and actually Elizabeth's my girlfriend."

Grace's jaw dropped, "What! Why would you go out with her?"

Well, Grace, in the homosexual community, there's this thing called a “beard...”

"She's actually pretty cool." Zechariah smirked, giving Elizabeth a kiss in front of the little girl.

"Eew!" She said as she took a seat next to Joseph, "Well whenever you get rid of the girl, we should talk." She smirked, and Mary practically choked on her sandwich. Everyone was amused expect Elizabeth, who stood there red faced and annoyed.

"Anyway...I got the tickets to the Lions Den. That means you have to sing in front of everyone tonight." Mary smiled, passing around the tickets, she put the extra one back in her pocket, unsure of why her boss gave it to her in the first place.

Michael Vick just knew there would be another godawful character forced into the narrative at the last minute, and just like he enjoyed torturing defenseless animals, he enjoys torturing me.

"I have to admit Mary, I really didn't think that you were telling the truth, but I guess I should have never doubt you." Zechariah smiled, "So when do we go?"

"Tonight. My mom said it was ok because the sermon by our minister was canceled today,

Oh no, did Coach Psalms tear his ACL again?

and there's some special 'game' going on where this time a really small lion is fighting Goliath, but they say that the small lion is really fierce so it will be good. I won't really be watching anyway, this is just for you guys." Mary shrugged.

I bet the small lion's name is David, just to bring about the total Sunday school feel this fic brings in me.

"Well I think I can make it, you guys in?" Zechariah asked, and the group nodded.

"What about me!" Grace whined, "I want to go too! Let me go!-"

"Hush Grace!" Elizabeth hissed, "Here's your first tip of high-school, you won't make a lot of friends with that whining of yours."

Or she'll be like every other freshman in the world with that whining. Just my experience.

Grace was quiet of that. Mary looked at the girl and gave a small smile, "I have an extra ticket, if your parents will let you then you can come, but you'll have to find some means of transportation."

Oh shit, that extra ticket subplot paid off already! I had no idea where they were going with that, but now I do! How did the author create such a fascinating twist!!!!?

"YAY!" The blonde haired girl squealed and accepted the ticket, "...Thank you."


Lions Den

It was dark by the time the group of friends got to the Lions Den. The bright stars shined over the building (since there was no roof), and the group sat closely together, getting a seat right in the middle that would usually cost a good amount of shekels.

Mary's Dad bought 60 seats.

Grace sat in the middle of everyone, her eyes lightened with excitement. She turned to Elizabeth, and gave her a small smile. Despite how rude she had been before, she was really glad that Elizabeth was picked to be her adviser because she didn't know if anyone else would do this for her.

Why not? I can see no reason why you wouldn't want to take a fourteen year old girl to an underground lion fighting arena. What bunch of prudes.

"My dad always promised me that he would take me here, but he never did. Now here I am." She smiled, and Elizabeth gave her a small smile, "Well that's good."

The show started, and the cheers from the fans erupted. It was so loud that Mary found herself constantly putting her hands over her ears. She didn't know how her friends could withstand the loud noise. The first lion that came in was Goliath. He was huge, about 200 more pounds than the average lion. He looked mean, as if he would snap at anyone who came his way, but only Mary knew how kind and gentle the lion really was, well, around her anyway.

Goliath is old school like that. Respects kayfabe to an unhealthy degree.

The second lion that came in was average looking, nothing special about him. He seemed small compared to Goliath, but most people cheered for him because he was like the underdog.


There was a loud sound that indicated the game was starting. The two lions ran to each other, wasting no time. The fight was brutal and Mary had to close her eyes and try to drown out the small image of the lions fighting from her head.

Chill out, Mary. It's all an act. The lions are taught how to fight without hurting each other.

Joseph noticed this and placed a comforting hand over her, and chuckled, after a few minutes he leaned into her ear closely, sending shivers down her back and he said, "It's over now Mary, break time."

She peeked her eyes through the small hole that she made with her hands and Joseph chuckled, gently grabbing her hands pulling them away, "See, I told you." He smiled.

The game went on for a while until finally it was pulled to a close call. Goliath had lost, much to everyone's surprise.

It was fucking bullshit. The small lion got hit by all of Goliath's finishers and still didn't go down. I'm done with the Lion's Den and their shitty booking.

Dropping out of the wrestling speak for a bit, it is damningly frustrating how the author made a lion fight uninteresting.

People were beginning to make their way out when all of the sudden Mary remembered Zechariah's challenge, "Zechariah! You have to sing Elizabeth now!" She smiled.

The Statler Brothers would be rolling in their graves if all of them were dead.

All eyes were turned to him, and he felt his face getting hot. He placed a hand on the back of his neck, "Guys I-I don't know-"

"Oh come on! Just sing to her!" Joseph said, then suddenly an idea popped into his head. He placed his hands over his mouth and started to shout, "SING! SING! SING! SING!"

Soon Mary joined him, and even Grace, and the few people that were scattered near him started to shout as well, unsure of what they were even shouting for.

Grace has pulled one of the weirdest volte-face's in the history of writing. It hasn't even been three pages between this and her telling Elizabeth that she had chicken clothes or something. And it's not like anything's happened in between the cause it, like it did with Melissa. I dunno. I can't even be disappointed in the writing anymore. I've lost all expectation for something meaningful to happen.

Mary thought that things like that only happened in the teen plays that Elizabeth watched, but apparently she was wrong.

Teen plays and fanfiction.

Wouldn't it be funny if the New Testament was just Mary's fanfiction about how she was the mother of God?

Zechariah cleared his throat as he looked around at everyone, "Uh, a-alright I'll sing." He stuttered nervously.

He cleared his throat again before beginning to sing a tune.

I was going to insert the lyrics of Electric Six's masterpiece “Gay Bar,” but after some thought I figured that the lyrics the author chose were gay enough. Enjoy.

"Over the mountains, over the sea.
Here you come running my lover to me.
When I feel the cold of winter
And this cloak of sadness, I need You
All the evil things that shake me
All the words that break me, I need You"

Zechariah continued to sing the and the crowd cheered for him even though he was off key. When he was finally done, strangers began to clap for him and whistle as well. and all registered Republican that day and accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. An eagle named “Small Government” flew into the room and perched atop the American Flag and shed a tear on the chalk. The pledge of allegiance was read several times, and God himself showed up and enacted a flat tax rate across the country.

He let out a laugh as he pulled his girlfriend into a large hug, and Mary let out a loud, "Aww!"

Things were really coming together for everyone,

As if they had ever been in jeopardy at any point throughout this story. God what a massive waste of time this has all been.

and Mary was happy to say that her freshman year was going just as good as she hoped it would be.

Her sophomore year though, she was fucked.

Literally fucked, by the Holy Ghost, in case I was being too subtle.

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Post #15

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post Jul 10 2016, 01:10 PM
Alright gents, ladies and all those inbetween. The final chapter is upon us. Let's make like Samson and bring this motherfucker down! It's only fitting that we end this on a Sunday.

A/N: So this story technically would have been over with by yesterday, but then all of the sudden my computer decided to shut down sad.gif

Oh no, what a tragedy. I guess this means the final chapter is never coming...

Just kidding, obviously. That'd have been fun though right?

I was so upset because I was already writing the end of the last chapter, but now it gives me an opportunity to put in some more detail, because I feel like the last chapter I wrote yesterday was a little rushed.

And yet this new, improved, more detailed finale is only 2-3 pages in my word processor. I mean, you had all the time in the world to rewrite this. It's not like you had to finish by a deadline. I really wish I had more material to go out on, but you've disappointed me yet again, you utter failure.

So anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this! Also, I know that the ages between Mary and her cousin, and Zechariah and Joseph are completely off, but I had to do that in order to make this story work.

And yet you claimed you weren't rewriting the Bible. Explain the concept to me, you literal anthropomorphic pile of rubbish.

Anyway, I'll just stop writing this author's note and let you guys read.

The End Is Only The Beginning: Chapter 18

Behind the curtains, the graduating class were getting ready. Some were going through their speeches to present to all of the parents, and others were pacing back in forth do to nervousness.

The mental stress of having to walk across a stage and take a piece of paper from someone began to crush all of the sheltered titty-babies at Temple High.

Others were crying as they huddled up with friends and some were waiting patiently. In the far right corner, Elizabeth and Zechariah were giggling and kissing, "This is it! We're finally done with high-school!" Elizabeth squealed. Mary laughed as she adjusted Joseph's cap and gown, "This is it for you Joseph, for you, Elizabeth, and Zechariah."

I could've sworn Elizabeth was a junior, considering she's two years older than Mary and Mary is a freshman. I also don't know why I bother remembering these details, since the dipshit author doesn't seem to.

She said, giving a half smile, but Joseph could tell that there was something wrong.

"Yeah...I guess it is. I never thought the years at Temple High would go by so fast." He smiled, "Is something wrong?"

Mary shook her head as she adjusted the last part of his cap, "No...I'm fine it's just, I'm really going to miss you guys. I don't know who I'm going to have at Temple High next year."

Really, Mary, is there anyone you need at high school besides Jesus?

Think about it.

Joseph pulled her into a hug, then kissed her long hair, "You'll be fine Mary. You'll have Bethany and...Peter." He said, trying to come to grips that her and Peter would always be friends,

And Lord knows his future wife can't have any of those.

"And you'll have Grace." He joked, forcing Mary to let out a small laugh, "Yeah."

"Alright, I need all the students to line up and get ready. The music will play in a few minutes, and everyone who is speaking in front of the parents today, I would like you guys to be in the front!" The teacher called, and everyone shuffled to figure out where they needed to be.

The whole ceremony was in disarray, due to graduation practice being cancelled for inclement mediocrity.

"That's my cue to leave. I'll see you later Joseph." She smiled, and he gave her a kiss. She made her way out the back door and as she went to take a seat she found her parents, and Joseph's parents sitting together. She played with Joseph's little brother until the ceremony began.

I vaguely remember Joseph's younger brother being a minor character in the original, and making a joke about the author implying that his parents were eating him for dinner. Good for him getting to live, I guess.

The sound of trumpets filled the air, and Mary knew that it was the work of the amazing band at Temple High. She smiled proudly as she watched the graduating class make their way onto the stage and find a seat. There weren't many things that could make Mary tear up, except boys liking her, indecision, any sort of external stressors, but seeing how beautiful everything was, was just enough to.

When the music came to a stop, the teacher stood in front of the stage and smiled at the audience, "Welcome parents, and congratulations my graduating class. Before we begin with the students talk about the world unknown, we're going to have our band play a few songs, as well as a guest singer. She came all the way from Bethlehem. Please welcome, St. Josephine."

Odd how there's a saint here before saints, people who skip Purgatory and commune directly with the Virgin Mary, existed. But fine. Whatever.

The audience cheered for St. Josephine. She started off her song, it was a soft melody, and beautiful. Her voice was soft, like an angel. She had white wrinkly skin, and snow white hair.

And a booty that just did not quit.

When she was done, the audience cheered again, and the principal talked for a while as well as gave out awards to everyone who had a 4.0 GPA. Then the valedictorian gave her speech.

The trumpets began to play again, and this time the principal began to call out the names of the graduating class. It seemed as if everything was going by in slow motion as she watched people accept their diplomas.

Yeah I know that feeling. Graduation crawling at a snail's pace, mid-June temperatures heating up in a place where central A/C is apparently unheard of, your leg cramping up because you're too tall for the shitty auditorium seats. But you have to grin and bear it or else someone's parents will bitch about it come August.

She would definitely miss having her three best friends at school, and her boyfriend too, but she was happy to see them getting their diploma.

"Joseph Carpenter!" The principal shouted, snapping everything back into regular time. Mary shouted for him, as well as the rest of his family. He looked at her and laughed, then grabbed his diploma.

Made on non-kosher sheep's skin, I reckon.

The rest of the graduation went on like a blur, and finally it came to an end. When it did Mary ran to her friends who pulled her into a hug, "I'm so proud of you guys!" She smiled.

Elizabeth giggled, "This won't be the end though Mary. You know my house isn't too far away."

"Actually, our new house might be closer than you think." Zechariah said, holding up her hand to indicate that she was wearing a fancy ring made by some silversmith. Mary's eyes widened, "You guys are married?"

Even more insane is that they've managed to buy a house in this economy, the lucky little fuckers...

Zechariah let out a laugh, "No, not yet. But we plan to get married in a few weeks and start our life together."

"Yeah, life is too short you know?" Elizabeth smiled through her watery eyes. She was beyond happy.

This is beyond hell.



It seemed crazy that it had only a few days since the graduation, but Mary knew that that day had changed everything.

The graduation itself was as uneventful as described, but the after party ended in half of the graduating class being arrested, raped or dead.

It was one crazy Yom Kippur.

Mary smiled as she opened up her windows and saw the sun shinning through. It was such a nice reminder that God was always there, shinning light through everyone's heart. She still had a few hours before her sermon, so she decided to take a walk. She told her parents that she would be back soon, and she found her walking trail which was in a pretty forest.

”A pretty forest...” in the middle of fucking Nazareth?!

She admired the different colored flowers, and the bright green bushes. She took a seat on a rock and thought about everything that happened to her in just one school year.

Oh man, recap time. Let's play along, shall we?

She found confidence through Peter, and she was glad that they were still friends.

Peter showed interest in Mary, which was somehow sinful, Mary got bent out of shape and then Peter gave up and his mom died or something.

She also learned how strong her love for Joseph really is, and she realized that she couldn't live without him anymore.

She went from being “Just Friends” to one of the most tepid relationships ever posted to Internet paper, with miles of whining and bitching about having feelings in between.

She was happy that Elizabeth and Zechariah grew stronger and stronger everyday,

Except for the incident where Elizabeth royally freaked out over nothing and showed how fragile their relationship really is.

and she was thankful to have met Melissa and been able to help her.

Help her by occassionally talking to her at lunch, before she got kicked out of Nazareth for being preggerz.

She wished that she was still there, to see the graduation, to hang out with them at the Lions Den, but she had received frequent letters that ensured that she was doing well in Palestine with her new husband.

Until whatever nefarious event happens in the future that leads to their daughter being sold into prostitution.

All in all, this year had turned out to be the best. Even the teachers taught her something new everyday.

That should go without saying, but given how much everyone in this school avoids actual classes to do Bible stuff, I commend those teachers.

Suddenly she saw a bright light, maybe even brighter than the sun. She threw an arm over her face and squinted her eyes. What was this light?

"Greetings Mary!" The angel spoke, his voice as gentle as a calm wind, "The Lord is with you."

Mary was confused as her eyes adjusted to the light. She pushed herself further back on the rock and looked the angel in the eye. When she didn't say anything, the angel smiled at her.

Oh great, it's this asshole again.

"Do not be afraid Mary, you have found favor with God." He told her.

"What does this mean?" She questioned the angel.

I'm not sure. The last person who was favored by God ended up getting outed as pregnant and kicked out of her house.

"You will conceive a son and you are to call him Jesus. He will be great and he will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David and he will reign over Jacob's descendants forever; his kingdom will never end." He told her.

Mary felt her heart beating faster than usual. She was...with child? How could this be? She looked to the angel, "How can this be? For I have been with no man."

Remember the graduation after-party? Wait, of course you don't.

I just assume that God has a fetish for pregnant chicks.

"Behold, the Holy spirit will come uponin you, and the power of the Lord will overshadow you." He said.

Mary didn't know what to do at this point. She didn't want to be pregnant. What would people say if she were to be pregnant and not married? Nevertheless she trusted in the Lord, that he would protect her, and she would be safe, "I am the Lords servant, may your word to me be fulfilled."

Peace be with you, and piss on all of you.

The End.

The author goes on to post a bunch of copyright stuff. Nothing really super interesting, but according to her I committed a crime by reproducing her text here. Oopsie.

Tell me, Project AFTER: Can God write a story so dull that even He can't finish it? Because if not, I know someone who can. Any fledgling light of enterprise this story might have had ended with the dance chapter. None of it was good up to that point, but that was pretty much the only plot that was carried through without some abrupt, nonsensical ending. Everything after the dance, was just nothing. There was no direction, no real goal, and it speaks volumes that after compacting the first half of the story into two weeks' time, the second half sped achronologically eight months to graduation. That's actually not a bad representation of the story itself. A lot of stupid, then a lot of nothing.

Nothing. Nothing. Goddamned nothing. I've reviewed some 12 year old's wishfulfillment fantasy, gay wrestling stuff, and murderer fanfiction. High School Sweet Hearts was the worst out of all of that, because there was just so much nothing.

But hey, I finished what I started years ago, and that's what really matters. Suck it, 2012-me! I win again!

PS: What the hell happened to Genesis/Pikachu?

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 23rd August 2017 - 07:38 AM