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> A Step Onto Chronos, Now With a Bonus Sequel!
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post Jan 12 2015, 07:58 AM
Welcome everyone, as I make my yearly attempt to do the thing this site was made for. We're like a bakery or something, right?

What we have here today is a literal self-insert fanfiction. The author, going by Bardic Knowledge on FFN, wishes he could be a part of the Chrono Trigger world and then is magically teleported there, whereupon he ruins everything by stealing any bit of attention he can muster, leaving any reason that an actual fan of CT would read his work in the trash. It's basically a human in Equestria fic, except it comes from a source material that isn't awful. Also there's (thankfully) no sex, so things probably won't get nearly as weird.

Well...nah, I'll save that for later.

My commentary's in red, the original is white.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter One

Into the Game

Shadic the Hedgehog

Oh right. One other small detail. This fic began in 2004, so the author's changed his name a few times. At the time he started this, he was part of the Sanic fandom. Joy.

Disclaimer: I don't own Chrono Trigger, Squaresoft/Enix/whatever does.

BZZZ! BZZZ! BZZZ! The alarm went off in my room at four A.M. like I had planned even though it was Saturday. I got off the floor, got dressed (black pants, black leather jacket, red shirt, black shoes, and a pair of sunglasses embedded in my hair), and walked outside.

Black and red...black and red...dear lord, he's actually trying to dress like Shadow the Hedgehog. That's...that's, uh. Comical.

The only thing missing from his outfit is a trillby.

I walked over to my Dad's old blue van, opened up the side door and pulled out my Dad's old, dull long sword. I stepped out of the garage and proceeded to attack the snowbank along the east side of the driveway, strengthening my arm to weild the sword properly.

I put on an old belt that I had with the sheath to my Dad's sword on it. I sheathed the sword and I stepped back. Pretending I had magic, I flung out my hand to attack, wishing that I was in the world of Chrono Trigger so that I could really learn magic, hopefully Fire.

I could call this sad, but I would be lying if I said I never tried to do the Kamehameha wave. Y'know, when I was ten.

A green and white sphere suddenly opened up in front of me and I took a step back. I thought it looked kinda familiar. I then stared at the glowing sphere until I was forced to blink. That's when I saw a reddish image of it on my retina.

"A GATE!" I yelled in surprise. I took another long look at it and began to wonder when I'd be off to, when I remembered that Time Gates were blue or red, while this one was green. I decided that as long as I tied a rope to my belt I would be fine.

Oh yeah, of course. You'll just be presumably traveling through space and time; a rope should be sufficient. Sure.

I found a long piece of rope and tied it to a tree and my belt. I walked into the gate and, after a bit of travel effects, I caught a glimpse of a large red and pink robot in a white marble area. I was then suddenly yanked back. The rope was just long enough to allow that brief glimpse.

Unfortunately his rope was only 1000 years, two universes and three feet long.

I then remembered a scene just like it in Chrono Trigger: that was Gato in Leene Square! I quickly untied the rope, drew the sword, and leapt into the Universe Gate (that's what I decided to call it) and traveled to the world of Chrono Trigger.

Time! That's...six paragraphs. Well, gotta hand it to you, Bardic, you don't mess around with your wish fulfillment.

I was sweeping along the sea of dark blue travel effects with sword in hand. Along the way it slipped out of my hand and started to fall away in a different direction. I watched, unable to move as the blade began to sharpen and turn black before it vanished. At that moment I blacked out.
I woke up in a soft bed, but kept my eyes closed. My first thought was, 'wait a minute, I don't sleep in a bed!' 

And no it's not really explained why. It's made clear in later chapters that he's not poor, so it's not as if he can't afford one.

I guess if Shadow the Hedgehog doesn't need a bed, then neither does this cool kid.

I snapped my eyes open to see a red haired boy with a crazy hairdo and a katana, and a blonde girl in white with a pony tail. I suddenly realized I had already changed the storyline, but I was still gald that Marle and Crono had shown up at Gato's but then I remembered my Dad's sword.

"My sword!" I said. "Did one of you happen to see my sword?!"

"No, I'm sorry, but I didn't see any sword around there. Did you, Marle?" answered Crono.

"Nope. Sorry, Crono."

It's just like one of my Japanese JRPGs!

"Wait, Crono never spoke in the game!" I muttered under my breath.

"Hey, what did you say?" asked Crono.

"Oh, nothing. Nothing at all."

He squinted at me knowing exactly what I said, but not admitting it.

Either that or you made him lose the Game.

"Oh, um... I need to get back to the fair and I think you do, too, Crono," I said.

He looked confused about something until I whispered, "Lucca." THen he said, "Oh, yeah! Marle, remember? We were about to go see Lucca's newest invention!"

"Yeah, I remember! hey mister, you want to come, too? By the way, what's your name?"

"The name's..." I considered whether to tell them my name was Joe or one of my other names. Since I didn't think I'd be there long I decided on my S.C.A. name, "Hugh 'the Weird.' and yes, I would like to come, thanks for the invite, Marle."

Why that one? Did you think the name Shadic the Hedgehog was too exotic or something?

We left the inn and I ran up to the square with Crono and Marle following close behind. I stopped running when I got to the entrance and I asked Crono if I could borrow some gold. I told him not to worry because I would pay him back later. He handed me the gold and I ran over to Melchior.

I wish I had as much faith in anything as Crono does in this dude he found unconscious at the fair.

"Buy something from Melchior the sword smith?" he asked.

"Yeah, I need to buy a long sword. Your cheapest one if possible."

"Oh. Well, I happen to have this old blade that I don't have any use for. Take it. On the house."

Melchior carries useless swords around to donate to charity. He may not believe in giving weapons to children, but he does believe in tax write-offs.

"Thank you, Melchior. I shall use this blade and any others I find to save countless lives." He looked at me funny because there were no wars going on. I then whispered to him, "From the past to the future I shall save the live of many. Especially yours, Guru of Life." I then walked away, leaving a very bewildered Melchoir wonder ing what I was talking about.

So this is what the author thinks cool people are like. Fascinating.

"Okay, I'm ready! Oh, and Crono here's your gold back. He gave me an old sword for free."

"Onto the exhibit!" I exclaimed. We all dashed to the back of the square where the Telepod exhibit was.

"welcom ladies and gentlemen to the Super Dimension Warp, invention of my beautiful daughter, Lucca!" Taban announced just as we entered.

Taban unfortunately seems to have suffered a stroke.

Lucca spun around on the Telepod's left pod and started bowing to people. I thought that indeed neither the game sprite nor Akira Toriyama's artwork did her any justice.

Not that that's stopped him from buying her body pillow, mind you.

"We will take any volunteer to test the Telepod and show that, no, it WON'T blow up under your feet," said Lucca.

Taban explained, "Just stand on this pad and you will get teleported over here." He pointed out the left and right pads respectively.

"I'll do it!" I yelled from the small crowd of people (only about 6 or 7 counting Marle, Crono, and myself). I knew I was changing the story even more, but I wanted to see just how it would feel to be broken into individual molecules, then be reassembled.

It'd be nice if he changed the story enough that the telepod actually does blow up under his feet.

"Okay! Just step onto the platform and my father and I will do the rest," replied Lucca.

I stepped onto the pod and heard the generator warming up. I imagined, with my eyes still open, what it had looked like on the screen when Crono was transported. I felt a little wrench in my stomach and suddenly I was on the other platform, with a feeling of, 'that was it?'

"WOW!" gasped the crowd (apparently it stilled looked cool).

Not as cool as what I wanted.

I walked off the platform and Marle exclaimed, "That looks like fun! I wanna try!" and she ran over to the platform. "Wait for me to get back!" she said before stepping on the left pad.

"Are you sure you want to do this? You can always change your mind," whispered Taban.

"No, way! Throw th' switch!" she replied.

Marle's either drunk or Bardic got her confused for the heroine of the sequel.

This next bit is pretty much just a straight rip of the game's dialog, so breeze along if you like.

Taban and Lucca started to generate power for the Telepod. Marle's pendant fell to the Telepod and a bolt of electricity connected the pads. A shimmering blue sphere then appeared out of no-where. Taban and Lucca were thrown off the Telepod, as shocked as the crowd.

"What's happening!?"Marle cried when she re-materialized-inside the Time Gate, "Crono! Hugh! Help!!!"

"Marle!" Crono yelled, dashing forward as the Gate began to close. Then suddenly she was gone.

"Lucca, what happened?! Where did she go?!" yelled Taban. "All right folks, show's over," he added to the crowd.

"I don't know," muttered Lucca as everyone except Crono and I left, "the warp field seemed to be affected by her pendant."

Interesting moral question: With Hugh the Hedgehog knowing exactly what would happen if Marle used the telepod, all of the struggles and heartache the group would face, and all of the calamity that would ensue over the time stream, I feel like it would be more morally right to try to stop it.

Purely hypothetical.

"Crono," I said. "We need to go after her."

"But how?" he asked.

"Get her pendant off the platform and tell Taban and Lucca what we plan to do. When the sphere appears I'm going to dash into it and travel right next to you."

Crono walked over to the pendant, picked it up and stepped up onto the pad telling Lucca, "I'm going after her. Hugh over there is going to follow me."

Man, it's like I'm actually playing the game! Except someone else is playing it for me. And instead of playing it, he's just kind of narrating anything without any visual aid. Also he's inexplicably a character and he's kind of an asshole.

"Brave lads," said Taban, getting into position.

"I don't know where this is going to send you, so hang on to that pendant and watch out for any monsters," cautioned Lucca.

After a bit of powering up the generator, the bolt appeared again and Crono was transported into the Gate with a look of terror on his face. I ran into the Gate and turned to face Lucca and Taban.

"Don't worry, I'll be coming after you as soon as aI figure out what went wrong," Lucca yelled.

"Heh, What, me worry?" I said with extreme confidence, because I knew what was about to happen on the other side of the Gate.

That just kind of reinforces my point from earlier. It's easy for “Hugh” to be cool with everything, but he's dragging others into danger to suit his whimsy. That's a pretty malicious thing to do.

And then it closed sending Crono and I into the past.

"The best way to plan ahead is merely to be ready for everything." 
-Flavor Text of the Myr Adapter.

But...I suppose that's none of my business.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Aug 2 2016, 07:18 AM

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Post #2

I'm very concerned.

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post Jan 12 2015, 06:12 PM
Oh dear, it's one of these types of stories, a spotlight-stealing self-insert causing trouble with no regards for the universe he is in. And this one has it bad.

Not only is this bland, dull, sword-fumbling chucklehead picking himself up to speed about his situation in no time, he also deems himself able and allowed to tag along the main crew like no one could mind.
And he pokes at everything that would only cause raised eyebrows and suspicion, which logically could jeopardize the entire story and fuck it up beyond repair.
I'm tempted to say that the biggest threat of the story, once the plot gets rolling, is this bumbling idiot stumbling about, pandering and stealing attention for himself.

I like the mock, keep it up.

This post has been edited by ConcernedGamer: Jan 12 2015, 06:13 PM

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Post #3

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post Jan 15 2015, 06:44 AM
QUOTE (ConcernedGamer @ Jan 12 2015, 09:12 PM) *
Oh dear, it's one of these types of stories, a spotlight-stealing self-insert causing trouble with no regards for the universe he is in. And this one has it bad.

You have no idea, brother.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Two

Help to Save the Queen!

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: I don't own Chrono Trigger. Squaresoft/Enix/Whatever does.

The Gate opened in the small, dead-end area in Truce Canyon. Crono and I stepped out of the Gate and looked around. The area was pretty much empty for the moment, but I knew that there were going to be Blue Imps appearing in just a couple minutes.

"Where are we?" asked Crono.

"Actually, Crono,

Don't you fucking say it.

we are in the same exact spot we were before. The question you should have asked is 'WHEN are we?'--

Oh my god fuck off you piece of shit.

because we are now the second ever Time Travelers. Marle was the first. Welcome to the year A.D. 600. Oh... and you might want to pull out that sword of yours right about now," I answered, pulling out the Old Blade.

"Why? And just HOW do you know all this?" he replied, pulling out his wooden katana.

What a very relevant and sensible question you should have asked long before now, Crono!

"I'll answer the second question later," 'much later,' I thought, "and the other answer will be along any second n--"

Hey now. Just because he's questioning you doesn't mean you need to call him the N-word.

At that very moment the three Imps appeared. I instantly jumped towards the northern-most Imp and sliced it across the chest. It fell back with a fatal wound. Suddenly the wound partially closed leaving a torn shirt and a small scar. Crono, seeing this, followed my example and attacked the same Imp cutting diagonally across its head, doing quite a bit of damage. Suddenly the Imp started to disintegrate. I decided that what held Mystics together was their magic, and when they die their bodies return to molecules floating in the air.

That's nice dear.

Crono and I finished off the rest of the Imps and ran as fast as we could to get out. We couldn't avoid the two Imps dropped by the birds across the bridge, but we beat them fairly quickly.

"Whew, what a rush!" said CronoRoad Warrior Hawk. "I feel like a new person! And I just came up with this neat attack called--"

"Cyclone, I know. I came up with one named Uppercut. Oh, and the reason I know about the name was for the same reason I knew what year it is and that the Imps would attack and how I knew we were Time Travelers. So. Don't. Ask. We need to first go to the tavern, then go to the castle. I'm going to wait for Lucca after we get to the bar, er, tavern."

Well not only is he going to not tell Crono anything, he's also gonna be a douchebag about it!

We walked over to the tavern, Crono still wondering how I knew all this, but not daring to ask. When we got there, we started to listen in on a couple of guards' conversation.

"I heard the Queen was found wandering up in the canyon."

"I bet she's glad to be home."

I looked over to the door and, sure enough, there was Toma, walking in the door. I dashed over to the only empty seat and sat in it. Toma stopped and muttered, "How rude..."

"Oh, I'm soeey, would you like to sit down?" I said, with a chuckle. I got up and moved aside to let him sit down.

Jesus Christ, Bardic, can your character not go a few seconds without being a tumbling dickweed?

"Hey, if you're buying I'll tell you a story," said Toma.

I told Crono to buy him a drink, 'cause he needed to hear the tale. Toma began, "The Queen went missing yesterday while visiting the cathedral to the west--"

"But we just heard they found her!" said Crono.

"What?! They found 'er? Oh, well. Thanks for the drink."

We left the tavern and Crono stopped and asked me, "Okay, WHY did we need to go in there?"

That's...a very good question. I don't think I've triggered that cut scene in any of my recent playthroughs, so its definitely not necessary. All it did was cost Crono money.

"Check the stories. The soldier said they found the Queen wandering in the canyon up north, where we came out. Toma said she went missing yesterday while visiting the western cathedral. Notice anything?" I answered.

"Yeah, the places conflict! They are at least two days apart, so she couldn't have vanished only yesterday!"

The fuck would Crono know this? He lives 400 years in the future.

"To the castle to talk with the 'Queen,'" I answered to his confused thought. "Now! Off with yeh! Go! Go!" I ushered him off in the castle's direction and ran into the canyon again.

I stood at the entrance a short way away from the two imps kicking a balled up Roly. Or was it a Poly? Or maybe a RolyPoly?

Google did exist in 2004, y'know.

Anyway, I was waiting for Lucca to arrive through the Gate. I finally saw the blue flash of light and ran to meet her.

"Wow, I didn't think time travel would be like that! I thought it would be instantaneous," she was saying when I caught up to her.

"So what do you think of Gates?" I asked to walk out of the canyon.

Lucca was much more fond of our Lord and Savior Linus Torvald.

"How do you know about that? I just created that name!"

"I'll show and tell when we return to your time. And only you get to see."

But fuck Crono, right? Just send him off without knowing anything.

"Come on, we gotta catch up with Crono."

We ran as fast as we could to the castle, but it still took an entire day to get there from Truce Canyon. We charged in the front doors and the guards didn't stop us for some reason.

"Th-the stairway to the right," I panted. "That's where Crono's gonna be."

We reached the stairs just as Crono reached the bottom.

"Crono, i-is the girl alright? Where is she?" panted Lucca.

"She's gone..." he mumbled.

"GONE?! Whaddya mean, go-" she began.

"She vanished into thin air because Marle, or should I say: Princess Nadia (at this point Crono made an expression that could only to be described as !!!!!!) was found instead of Queen Leene. Queen Leene therefore was not saved, but instead killed. and it was because of that that Princess Nadia has ceased to exist. The only reason we are still here is because we were supposed to save the queen in the first place," I explained.

Man this is gonna be fun. Instead of getting to unravel the mystery yourself, you get to have every plot point explained by an annoying self-insert.

"Yeah. If I recall my history crrectly, the Queen was found in a hidden section of the Cathedral by the Queen's bodyguard and two other people. But we are three, one of us must not have helped."

"I think that's where you are wrong. In your CURRENT history books it was only two people. Then I joined the story. Check the history book when we get back and you'll find it has changed in that account."

"Also it'll say something about Hitler doing nothing wrong. Just ignore that for now, I'll explain it to you later.

"Then I guess it's off to the Cathedral!"

So let's see. One day from the Canyon to the castle; two days from the castle to the Cathedral; and at least one other day screwing around with Toma.

Hugh wasted four days because he wanted to withhold information and play everyone like a marionette show. And he did this just so he could later infodump it all at once.

Crono, Lucca, and I all left the castle and ventured west. We got into the Catherdral and I walked up to the front and showed Lucca the coral pin.

"Hmm? What's this? Wait a minute, this is Guardia's Royal Crest!" She yelled as I pulled out my sword.

All of the nuns in the room (a total of four) walked up to us and transformed, in a flash of blue fire, into Naga-ettes. Crono drew a metal katana, while Lucca drew her gun. I promptly charged at the nearestmonster and used my Uppercut tech. I stabbed my sword into her chest and - surprising myself in the process - did a perfect backflip, slicing it in half. We finished off the rest really fast, especially once I discovered Lucca knew Flame Toss. I told Lucca and Crono how to perform Fire Whirl.

Because they're too stupid to do that organically like they did in the game, right? Can't do shit without Shadic the Hedgehog.

Lucca then walked off before I could warn her and said, "Whew, I'm glad that's over."

The expected Naga-ette appeared and slashed at her viciously. She jumped back with a scream and then Glenn, er, Frog fell from the ceiling and destroyed the Naga-ette.

"Lower thy guard and thou art allowing the enemy in," he murmured, sheathing his sword.

Alright, seems as if we're back to just stealing from the game.

At least things make sense that way.

"Lucca, don't freak. It's alright, he's the Queen's bodyguard," I said quickly.

"But he's a talking FROG!"

"My guise doth not incur thy trust. I will save the Queen on mine own," Frog started to walk away.

"WAIT! You don't seem like such a bad person - frog - thing, and anyway you are the Queen's bodyguard, and we're supposed to help you save her. My name's Lucca, that's Hugh and Crono." She pointed at each of us. "So what should we call you?"

"Frog will do," he said simply. "Mayhaps a hidden entrance lurketh nigh?"

"There's a secret switch in the piano, I think. But there's bound to be some sort of music you need to play," I said.

"How couldst thou know this?" asked an amazed Frog.

"I'll tell you later."

No you won't.

We walked over to the piano and I found inside it a little bear thing that was a Poyozo Doll. I squeezed it and the organ music started to play. I heard a rumbling noise and a sudden slam and I looked at the north wall on the other side of the room. The secret door was opened. I lead the party through to the room where I knew Leene was being held captive. Of course, I did pick up the "secret Naga-ette Bromide."

"Prepare-" began Yakra.

Whoa-ho-ho! What is this, AGDQ? Slow down there, sport!

Seriously though, he did a whole dungeon in one paragraph. It's probably better than describing every detail, but still, show some commitment to your monstrosity.

"Yakra!" I yelled when we entered the room. "It's time for you to die! Shed your false form of the chancellor and fight!" As I said the word 'fight' I drew my sword. It was one I found along the way, so it was stronger than my other one.

Damn, I bet even Frog thinks you talk like an overdramatic prick, Hugh.

"Move out of harm's way my Queen. I and my new friends hath come to rescue thee," warned Frog.

The battle with Yakra began. I opened up with my newest attack: Cross-Slash (A/N: Yes, this attack was inspired by FFVII but I got it wrong).

You've gotten a lot wrong at this point.

I slashed down from the top-left, then from the top-right, and finally I cut straight down slicing Yakra a great one. Crono and Frog used their first Double Tech, X-Cut. They held their swords out in front of them and ran at Yakra and nearly cut him in half. In retaliation, Yakra used his charge attack, which was proceeded by a growl of "Droooo....," and slammed us all into the ground. Lucca tried to make him sleep, but he was too strong. I yelled for Lucca to Flame Toss my sword and I performed Cross-Slash. Not only was he cut up, but the wounds were instantly cauterized so they couldn't heal. Suddenly I was thrown back by a slam from Yakra's claw, which was accompanied by a flash of light. After several more flashes his body began to disintegrate. He was finally dead.

So in recap: hugh fite monstar monstar go boom ff7.

I said, "We are finished here. Let us free the REAL chancellor and head for the castle." Everyone looked at me questioningly until I walked over to the left chest. I kicked it open and the chancellor popped out, all tied up. I cut his bonds and he started to rant and rave about being locked up. Until he saw the Queen, that is.

"Oh, my Queen! As you can see I am unharmed!" he said hurriedly.

"Well, shall we return to the castle?" said the Queen.

The trip back to the castle was amazingly easy. Apparently every Mystic in the building sensed Yakra's death and fled. We took the day-long trek to the castle as quickly as we could. We got there faster than we should have.

You know, the game just teleports you back to the castle. You could've done that.

"My lord King," muttered Frog, Bowing. "Thy Queen hath been rescued."

"Thank you. All of you. It pleases me to know that there are people who can destroy the fiendish troops of Magus," he replied.

"But I have failed my Queen, and shamed myself." Before anyone could stop him he turned and hopped quickly out of the throne room.

"Poor man. He was turned into a frog by Magus soon after his best friend vanished," said the Queen. "But I was just wondering: where is the girl that was mistaken for me?"

"Oh! Crono, I almost forgot about Princess Nadia! Come on, wherever she vanished she'll be reappearing there!" I said, stealing Lucca's linesDamn near all of the dialog up to this point.

We ran up to the Queen's chambers and saw an amazing sight: you could probably imagine something shatter into thousands of pieces, right? Well this was the same process, only in reverse.

Bardick is writing as if he's having a casual conversation with someone, and I'm just wondering who in the hell would sit through this conversation.

"Welcome back, Princess Nadia!" cried Lucca.

Marle paid no attention what-so-ever to Lucca and myself, but did see Crono. "Crono! I was so scared! I was in a place that was cold and dark. Is that what it's like...to die?" she whispered.

"I wouldn't know, Your Majesty. But I have a feeling it was not death, but nonexistance. For this is the world of time travel and your ancestor was nearly killed by Yakra and his cronies. If Queen Leene had been killed , you would never have existed in the first place. So you ceased to exist until the Queen' guardian and the three of us saved her," I replied.

”I was so scared! Is that what it's like to die?”

“Nah, you just stopped existing. Walk it off you big baby.”

I mean shit, dude.

"H-how did you know I was the princess?" she asked, probably still shaken from non-existence.

"Well...then...what should we do know?" asked Crono.

You should “do know” a lot of things, but Hugh's still being an unintelligent penis.

"Head back to the canyon, then home," I answered.
We started out to leave, but ran into Frog on the way out. He looked at Marle closely and said, "'Tis true, thou doth bearest a strong resemblance to the Queen." and he hopped off.

"Froggy," Lucca muttered, "you weren't such a bad guy, either."

Yeah. He wasn't so bad. He also wasn't so good. In fact, it's like he didn't have any noticeable qualities at all.

We walked out of the castle and went to Truce Canyon. We fought a couple of Mystics, but they were cake compared to Yakra. Finally, we reached the Gate.

"Okay, how do we get home?" asked Marle.

"Simple, Princess... I mean MArle, that is what you'd rather be called, right?" I began.


”Yeah I bet it is, you whore."

"Well, Marle, we just have to use one of Lucca's best inventions: the Gate Key!"
Lucca pulled out the key with a flourish and pointed it at the point where the Gate was hovering. Closed it looked like just a point of light, but it opened with a quiet sound, like 'voosh,' or something to that effect, and sat there almost visibly waiting for us to enter.

”Voosh or something to that effect.”

"This is a Time Gate," explained Lucca. "It leads to the same spot on the planet, but in a different century. Most Gates are highly unstable, but the Gate Key allows us to use them as we please!"

Uh, actually, there's a slight problem that Doofus the Hedgehog may not address. In Chrono Trigger, only three people can go into a gate at a time. Any more and the Conservation of Time Theorum (complete bullshit) states that the travelers get sent to The End of Time. This wouldn't be a problem until later in the plot, but since Bardic Knowledge here decided to insert himself into the story, that's gonna cause quite a big error.

"Lucca, you're a genius!" exclaimed Marle.

"Ain't it the truth! Er... um... I mean..."

"Enough with the false modesty. I would trade my royal ancestry for your genius in a heartbeat!"

"From what I've heard about royal life, that wouldn't be a very fair bargain," I put in. "But can we please head for the year 1000 now?"

"Not until we hear what you've heard about 'royal life,'" growled Marle.

*clap clap* Alright, way to finally hold the idiot responsible, Marle. Finally someone's got balls.

"Lesse, Shut up in the castle forever, forced to go to classes you don't want or need," I counted off on my fingers, "other people choosing what you're going to wear the next day, the chef always making disgusting tasting dishes claiming they're for your heal-"

So...high school? You just described what 90% of kids and teens think of their parents.

"Alright already! Yes, you're right about those things, and there are a few others you probably know. Let's go, I'm tired and want to get some rest back home."

We all stepped into the Gate when I suddenly worried about the Conservation of Time Theorem, but it was too late. We were already gone.

Yeah, that's what I said. Too bad you already fucked it up.

"Oh lookie: a basement," 
-Yusuke Urameshi, Yu Yu Hakusho

That's uh...relevant and significant.

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post Jan 21 2015, 07:42 AM
A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Three

Save Crono!!!

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: If I owned CT, Chrono Cross would've been better. Epecially the battle system.

No. If you owned CT, Chrono Cross would've had no conflict because the edgy super cool 14 year old protagonist already knew the entire plot.

Surprisingly enough, we all arrived at Leene's Square, rather than the End of Time. I tried to figured out why, but my only theories were that the Conservation of Time Theorem no longer existed, or the number of people allowed was increased.

So...pfft. That's how you get around the giant glaring plot hole? Just say “nuh-uh?” Alright. It's your story man. Just a reflection on you as a person since you happen to be the main character.

"Yay! We're home!" crien Marle.

"Yep. Hey, Crono, be a gentleman and take Marle home," said Lucca.

"Why don't you all come over for supper?" suggested Marle.

"Well, there's something that I'd like to do. Hugh, will you accompany me?"

"Sure," I replied.

"Okay, then! You'll be missing out!" said Marle, as she and Crono left for the castle as I wondered what Lucca was up to.


Haha, in his dreams.

Oh wait...

"So," she started, "You were going to show me how you knew everything that was going to happen when we got back, remember?"

"Oh. Right. We'll need to go to Gato's area for me to show you, and I hope the Gate Key will work onthe type ofGate I came through."

We headed off to Gato's area and got there quickly. I saw the little floating sphere where the Gate had closed, and a little puddle of water of what was probably left over snow AND NOTHING ELSE from when I came over.

"Okay, why are we here?" asked Lucca.

"Can't you see the closed Gate over there?" I asked back.


"Then hand me the Gate Key and I'll open the Gate, since I can see it."

She handed over the Gate Key and I pointed it at the closed Gate and pushed the button. The head began to spin and a small beam of light flew out and touched the center of the Gate. It opened like a Time Gate and Lucca stared wide-eyed.

"What kind of a Gate is this?"

"A Universe Gate. It leads to my world. There, this place is but a game. One which I have beaten many times, and therefore know the story. Would you like to visit my place for a while? I'd like to get a few things anyway."

I wonder what Lucca's reaction to the rather profound revelation that she's just a video game character will be.

"Yes! Yes! Of course!"

So Lucca's taking the news that she doesn't really exist rather well. Unlike that Marle broad who just whined about it, am I right guys?

We stepped into the Gateway which promptly closed behind us. I traveled through the swirl of blue, purple, and black with Lucca by my side. We came out of the Gate in my driveway, where pretty much nothing had changed. It was still night, too.

"This is where you live?" asked Lucca, looking slightly nauseous.

Damn, son. When even a girl from 1000 AD finds your house nauseating...

"Yep. That's my house. I'd like to show you something inside," I answered back.

We entered the house and I showed her the computer, told her how it works, and what to do to play Chrono Trigger (I have the Emulator and ROM). Then I went into our upstair library (once my room, and my sisters' before that) and picked up a few books I liked: The Lord of the Rings Series, including the Hobbit and Silmarillion; The Great Book of Amber; The Visual Guide to Castle Amber; the Dawn of Amber Series; Firebird; and Burning Brightly (quite a pile of books, huh?).

It's a pile of something alright.

A pile of tomfoolery, that is. You expect us to believe that you actually read?

I also picked up my CD player and car plug. I got a few CDs to listen to as well, mostly soundtracks.

I walked out to see Lucca handling the computer like an expert. She was already in the castle in AD 600 after beating Yakra (She used the Turbo button as well as all the cheats).

"After you get to the point where left I would like you to shut it down and join me outside. I'd like to show you my car."


A car? Huh. I honestly had Bardic Knowledge pegged as a 12-14 year old, since that's usually the age when kids do stupid stuff like write self-insert fics. I mean, it's entirely possible that he's lying about having a car to seem older or cooler, but I can believe that he's stupid beyond his years.

I checked my pocket for the key to my car, which I had named the Aeon (one of my names for the Epoch in CT) and put the books in the back seat. A couple minutes later, Lucca came outside and asked me what I was doing.

"Getting ready to go."

"But what are you in?"

"My car, the Aeon. We use cars here to get from place to place quickly. I plan to open the Gate and then drive through it. Then afterwards we can fix it up so thatit can open Gates itself."

"Alrighty then, let's get going. Why did you want me to stop where we split up?"

"Didn't want you to see the future, could change it in unpredictable ways. I'm just going to reveal it in small bits throughout our adventure."

That seems like a sound strategy, not disrupting the time stream. It's not like you've already stomped all over it by...existing, and bringing your lame ass car into their universe.

No seriously, there's no reason for withholding the information you have outside of the fact that you want to play Dungeon Master.

"Ah." There was an odd tone to Lucca's voice, but I decided to ignore it.

We got into the Aeon and I turned the key. Lucca opened the Gate and we headed in. It was an odd sensation going through the Gate in a car. I felt like I wasn't being affected by the Gate travel when I knew I was. Kinda like when you're wearing rubber gloves in water: it feels like your hand's getting wet, but you know it isn't.

So your car's a time traveling condom.

We emerged in Leene's Square at sunset, just when people were heading home. I looked back to see the Gate close and, amazingly, vanish completely. Everyone we passed turned and stared as we drove by.

The car was odd enough, but what really caught their attention was the “Hentai is Art” decal on the hood.

"Um so how is it going to be fixed up?" Lucca asked when we got about halfway to her house.

"Integrate the technology that you used for the Gate Key and put in a button so that we can activate it without having getting out," I answered. "Oh, and we have a three day time limit to get this done."

"Why is there a time limit?"

"Bit of the future, well I guess it's the present really, coming up: Crono has been arrested for, and I quote, 'Premeditated Abduction of Royalty.' He was most likely proclaimed Not Guilty and going to be confined for three days, but the Chancellor lied and told the prison executive that he was to be executed in three days. We need to get there before he's executed. I just hope he doesn't decide to break out in the meantime."

That's a pretty big flaw in your plan, actually. Because if the player chooses to escape as Crono, they break out immediately, and he'll be up shit creek while you're tinkering with your car.

I guess it's just a good thing that Crono seems to have no agency of his own in your perversion of the time line.

"I see. So we'll need to hurry."

"Yes. We'll probably need to hook up a rather elaborate system for this to work, but I think it will work."

During the remaining days we worked on fixing the car up. Well, Lucca did most of the work, while I fetched tools and learned a few things about my car. Taban came out every once in a while with food and we ate it while working. At around five in the morning in the last day, we pulled out and stormed Guardia Forest. I was ripping through the leaves and screeched to a halt just out of sight of the castle doors.

I see that Lucca put four wheel drive on your dad's old '76 Pacer.

"Let's go! Got your Zonker-38 ready?"

"And set!"

"But keep it holstered until we get into the jail, or we'll probably never be let in."

”And make sure you have it hidden really well when we go through the airport. You see, in my world there was this thing called 9/11...”


We walked up to the castle and amazingly they didn't even search us or take my sword when we entered (Baka," I muttered (A/N: Baka is Japanese for idiot)).

I knew not to expect any better, but I'm still disappointed.

We walked into the jail area, knocked out the executive, and started towards the execution room, knocking out anyone we met who wasn't in a cell. Lucca knocked people out with her tranquilizer darts and I used my sword, sheathed, hitting them on the side of the head or in the neck. I made sure to collect all the mid-tonics before we continued.

"I can't quite remember the right passages to take to get to Crono," I said.

"That's all right, I know the way," replied Lucca. I found this puzzling because the jail hadn't existed in her original time line.

Uh...that's news to me. I seriously don't think that detail was ever in the game. Unless you're pulling it out of your ass again.

We were getting to the execution room just as the soldier asked Crono, "Any last words?"

We never heard a reply. That's because we burst into the room and I shouted, "jail break!" I proceeded to strike the executioner and caught the rope he was holding, which was attached to the guillotine's blade. Lucca was hitting everyone else with darts.

I realize getting there at the last second is an action movie cliché by this point, but it just bugs me how reckless he was when he wasted three days souping up his car.

"I'm glad you got the executioner," said Lucca, checking her gun. "I just ran out of darts!"

"Well, could you free Crono? It's just that my arm's getting tired and I might drop the blade," I groaned.

”Sorry Cwono, I know you were about to be decapitated and all, but my awm's getting' sweepy!”

No, this is definitely a charming and cool persona you created for yourself, Bardick Head.

She knelt down and blasted off the lock with her normal gun, Crono jumped out and I let my hand relax. We ran out of that room and I stopped for a moment to free Fritz, by chopping the lock off. He said thanks and asked how to get out. I told him to just follow us then find a way after that. We raced back through the dungeon until we got back to the executive's office.

"Okay guys," I started, "here's the plan: Fritz, you hang back until I shout 'come on!' Crono and Lucca, you and I will go up the stairs and destroy the newest guard, known as the Dragon Tank. Lucca, it's a machine so your Hypno Wave won't work on it, neither will Fire Whirl, nor Flame Toss until we destroy the head. We can only just attack fast and destroy it before it can destroy us."

So this fic seems to follow a pretty routine three part formula. You have the sections where Bardic writes action and tries to describe things, using some of the most blatant “tell not showing” imaginable.

We executed the plan quickly. The Dragon Tank was big, but we had become strogng from our sojourn to the past. We all started attacking the head. Crono and I used Slash-Cut, in which he threw his Slash attack and I jumped on it pointing my sword directly at the head. I stabbed it and back-flipped away with Uppercut just before Slash got to it. Lucca fired off a powerful shot to the same spot and it exploded into infinitesimal (A/N: lots and lots of really tiny) pieces. We then started using Fire attacks on it, so the swords could slice through heat-softened skin. I went after the wheels, while Crono and Lucca attacked all of it. Crono and I then hopped onto its back and stabbed it up to the hilts. We executed a terrific slash as we pulled out the swords and jumped off.

"Come on, Fritz!" I shouted. The Dragon Tank started to shiver and bolts of electricity struck everything they could, which made me glad I was wearing rubber-soled boots. Fritz ran out just before Yakra XIII (Who else could this lying Chancellor be?) and a couple of soldiers ran out to fix the tank. Unfortunately for them, there was a small explosion underneath the tank and a hole appeared in the bridge. Yakra XIII and the soldiers grabbed hold of the bridge and each other to keep from falling.

Then there's the parts where he tries to write his own dialog, usually making his own self-insert sound cringingly smug or asinine.

"You won't get away with this!" screamed Yakra XIII as we waalked on him. I made sure to stomp on his hands especially hard. As I reached the other side of the people-bridge, I said to Yakra, "We already did, false one. Let go and meet your ancestor."

"What are you talking about?" whispered the man I was talking to, wide-eyed. Suddenly, there was a large explosion under the bridge as the Dragon Tank finished blowing up and a giant shockwave rocked the castle.

"They'll know we're coming now. So start running!" yelled Lucca.

And then there are the parts where he just copies dialog straight from the game.

We got to the bottom of the stairs down and all the soldiers were yelling, "the prisoners are escaping!" as we were trying to get away. We reached the entrance and I shoved Fritz out the door just before we became surrounded.

"Stop this at aonce!" yelled Marle from the top of the stairs.

"Not so fast, Princess! Let's hear what the King has to say about this!" yelled the Chancellor running into the room. I began wondering how he could have gotten to the throne room so quickly, and why his hands didn't have footprints on them. The King began to walk into the room, nut I spoke before he could.

"Your Majesty, there has been no crime committed by Crono. In fact, he SAVED the Princess from harm! ...Sir."

But of course, he often combines all three, to the point where even when he's ripping off dialog, he's made everything completely different. And “different” is a very charitable wording.

"Then explain why you were gone for four days!" countered the King. "And why we were going to execute him if he wasn't guilty!"

That's right up there with “why can't poor people just buy more money” in terms of logic. The King was not this retarded, I assure you.

"Theat's not true, Your Majesty. Crono was proclaimed 'Not Guilty' by the jury AND judge, plus when he got to the jail the executive was unaware that an execution was to take place. It was the Chancellor that said, and I qoute, 'This man is a traitor to the crown. He has been found guilty and you must carry out his sentence.'"

"You Majesty! The boy coudn't know about such things. The only people who would know what was said in that room would have been a couple of guards, the executive, the criminal, and myself. Therefore he is obviously a liar!" The Chancellor had me there.

Well I can see why Crono, Marle and Lucca aren't speaking up for themselves when they have fucking Perry Mason over here.

"This is true. I order that the execution sentence be lifted, but you will all have to be put in solitary confinement for seven days for jail break and assistance, and be fined a million Gold for destroying a valuable piece of equipment. And this does add on to what you already had to serve, boy." the King directed this last comment to Crono.

"But Daaad, these are my friends we're talking about here," pleaded Marle.

”Yeah Daaaaad! How dare you try to hold my friends accountable for their own actions!”

In the original context she was right, but Bardic's just kind of made her and everyone else retarded.

"The throne comes before your personal wishes, Nadia, and I see you've picked up strange ideas venturing outside."

"I didn't 'pick up' anything! It's called Common Sense! I despise you, I'm leaving!" She tore off the dress she had on to reveal the jumpsuit she had worn to the fair. She then ran down to meet us and we all ran out the door.

"Quickly! To the Aeon!" I yelled as I heard the Chancellor scream at the guards to chase us.

"The what?" asked Crono.

”I'll tell you later.”

"It's an amazing invention from where Hugh is from," explained Lucca. "We modified it, too, so now it can open Gates." It was as we reached the car that I realized that I was now trapped here, and should probably tell everyone my story before they get way too suspicious of me. I got in the car and everyone else followed suit. I turned the key...and nothing happened.

"Frell (A/N: This is a word from Farscape I use to replace most swear words), this isn't good!" I frantically searched for the problem only to discover I had left it in drive.

Alright, I did give Bardic too much credit, as it seems he's never even touched a car before.

Also, it took you more time to explain what a loser you were by using the word “frell” than if you had said “fuck” like a normal human being.

I pushed the brake, put it in park and started the Aeon. It roared to life and we ripped down the path to the dead end.

"What's going on?!" cried Marle.

"We're getting away, that's what!"

We got close to the dead end and I pushed the Gate button. It opened up and we drove straight in. I imagined the chancellor's reaction to the car as we traveled to the future.

"Free that which was never caged"
-flavor text of the AEther Spellbomb

These end-of-chapter quotes are becoming more bizarre and stupid as we go on.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Jan 21 2015, 08:11 AM

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post Jan 23 2015, 02:27 PM
Fair warning: This chapter is about twice as long as the preceding ones.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Four

The Future

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own CT.

We came roaring out of the other end of the Gate, only to slam into the door of Bangor Dome. I had severe whiplash from the encounter.

Everyone else is fine though. Or they're not, but we don't care because they're not Hugh.

"Yeouch!! What just happened!?" screamed Marle.

"We just slammed into a door... My neck really hurts... and we need to get outta here. So could somebody get that door open? I can't just drive through it," I answered.

Probably shouldn't have been driving a car through a time portal, then. It's not as if you couldn't escape on your feet.

Lucca had me back up as she rolled down her window. She took careful aim at the door with her gun, and blasted it right off its hinges.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome," she replied.

I began driving north towards Lab 16 and put disc two of my Chrono Trigger soundtrack into my CD player.

So this is the Bangor Dome. How you plan to fit anything other than a mid-sized moped out of the door is beyond me.

The disc started with the original Gate sfx then began playing the 2300 Overworld theme. When we entered the Labs I pushed the button to play that theme.

"you guys can read any of the books if ya want. We've got a long journey."

Crono: This “Bible Black” one looks interesting...Oh dear.

We only encountered a few problems as we drove through the Labs. The only things were the Shadows: they would plaster themselves to my windshield and we'd have to stop and get Lucca to burn them off with Flame Toss.

We reached Arris Dome and I parked the Aeon. We got out and walked into the Dome's missing doors. The inner dome was not right through those doors, but rather there was a debris filled hallway lined by destroyed houses and still-rotting corpses (N/A: I know 301 years later there would only be skeletons, but I have my reasons)

Of all the plotholes to fill, you picked the weirdest damn ones.

Marle had closed her wyes and grabbed onto Crono so she didn't have to look. I felt like vomiting, myself. When we finally entered the inner dome, I threw up over the side of the catwalk and heard a splat and a squeal as it hit a rat.

"That was disgusting! What could have done that?" cried Marle.

Yes, yes, we can all agree that Hugh is disgusting, but is vomit really that big of a surprise to you?

"I have a feeling we'll be finding out soon..." I wheezed.

"Do you think it still lives here?" asked Crono.

"I doubt it. I really do." I replied.

We started walking along the path to the center of the room. When I saw the first person, I could hardly believe they actually lived this way all the time. I heard Marle sob when she saw a sleeping child on the floor. It did look like she was dead, but I knew better. I walked up to Doan and tapped his shoulder.

"Who are you?" he asked. He must not have been sleeping with everyone else, because otherwise his heart could've gone out.

Oh come on. Sure Doan is old, but I'd imagine he could last a few minutes if properly motivated.

"We came from the ruins to the west," Marle replied.

Even though that didn't really answer his question, Doan yelled, "What! Everyone wake up! We've got people who've crossed the ruins!"

"What?!" "So there ARE people who can beat up those freaky mutants!" "Who are they?" Everyone was speaking at once, until Doan held up his hand.

A small but still audible “Yeah, Hugh's the best” could be heard after they quieted down.

"My name is Doan, I am the descendant of this dome's manager, and you are?"

"My name is Crono, this is Marle, that's Lucca, and the other guy is Hugh," Crono replied.

A Step Onto Chronos: The Magical Adventures of Crono, Marle, Lucca and Hugh.

"Have you guys got anything to eat? I'm starving!" complained Marle.

"We're all starving, too. The only food is down that ladder. But everyone who has gone to find it has never returned..." intoned Doan.

"Well guys, shall we be heroes all over again?" Lucca asked.

"Yeah!" we cheered.

"What? don't tell me you're going down below!" interrupted Doan.

"Yes we are! We want you to live better than this!" I yelled (A/N: I can imagine C,M, and L sweat-dropping).

And I can imagine you being a busta.

"And don't worry," I added. "we'll come back alive."


We descended the long ladder to the basement of the Dome. We walked up to the blue-glowing consoles as Marle noted the gaping hole in the floor. On each side were some projections that could fit together. Lucca went and looked at the hole, then the consoles.

"Don't bother," I said. "they need a password we don't yet have, and the other path is currently open."

So uh, remember how you've played this game before, and thus should know the password?

"Yeah, you're right," she mumbled. I thought I could see her thinking 'wait, he said "yet!" That means we'll be able to get there eventually!' But what did I know?

Apparently not enough!

We walked through the door and on the other side was a room where the floor had fallen through; all that was left was a bunch of intersecting, rusted I-beams that were wide enough for one person at a time to walk normally.

"They look sturdy enough," I said.

"Let's just hope they are," Crono replied.

We started across the I-beams, it was hard not to think of them as rafteers, when we could see the room below. Then we saw the rat.

"Just ignore it, it's only a rat pretending to be a statue," I waved it off.

Yeah, and that rat kind of has the password, but you know this already and why are you complicating things?

"But what about the note on its side?" asked Marle.

"Just a meaningless warning, come on."

We continued to the guardian room, where the alarm sounded and the Guardian was descending from the ceiling.

"Attack the bits on either side first," I advised. "If you hit the robot you'll only get hurt worse."

This would be a great Chrono Trigger walkthrough for people who don't mind loser OC's in their walkthrough.

Crono and I got rid of the bits and then assaulted Guardian. Throughout the entire thing Lucca superheated the metal skin and Marle was closing our wounds with her Aura.

There was a programmed voice saying, "Bre...a...k......d......o.........w.........n............" coming from Guardian. It began to fall apart until it completely dissolved.

"Man, I'm tired," said Marle. I handed her an Ether.

I can imagine. That battle almost lasted an entire paragraph!

"Expect to be tired all the time, our journey has just begun," I walked into the broken refrigerator room, confusing Marle. (A/N: I confuse others easily, ne?) She followed then gagged and squeezed her nose.

I think Marle's developing something of a personality in this chapter. First she gets grossed out by Hugh's puking, and then on his shitty weebanese. Her character is basically being grossed out by Hugh, which is fantastic if you ask me.

"Eeew, someding reeks!"

Lucca nd I inspected some crates and I stole another line, "The refrigeration must have failed: everything's rotten."

"Hey," said Crono suddenly. "who's that?"

I had almost forgotten the man who had died in here.

I don't blame you. The rotting corpse is kind of a minor detail when you're going through your happy-go-lucky DM-ing in the desolate future.

We walked up and stood next to him.

"He must have been the only one to get past the guard bot," murmered Lucca.

"Must've passed away long ago..." said Crono.

"Here, look: a seed... and a note!" announced Marle. Which makes you wonder why Marle was looking so closely at a dead guy.

Probably because she's so sick of looking at you, judging by her attitude this chapter.

"The rat is not a statue, it knows the sercrets of the dome and how to speak! Catch it!" Lucca read over Marle's shoulder.

"Okay,k we're going to try catching that rat, there might be more food over through that other door," I said.

"Hey, good idea!"

If only we had done that earlier when it was pretending to be a statue! But that would've been easy and not made Hugh look good and we can't have that!

We left the broken fridge and the man's body, taking the seed with us, and walked out to the floorless room. As soon as we got in the door, Marle stopped and pointed at the rat, shouting, "Look! There it is!" Even though this was said very loud, the rat didn't run. I led evryone back into the guard room and told them a plan you could never do in the game.

Ok, you had to go through the other path to get the seed. I get that. But there is no goddamned reason you need to catch the rat. You know the goddamned password.

"When we chase the rat I want only two of us to run after it. When it reaches a door it will hide off to the side andwait for you to go through. Then it will come back out and you can chase it back here. So we're going to get it in a pincer trap!"

We executed the plan with Marle and Lucca running one way and Crono and I waiting behind to catch it on the return. The plan worked and the rat told us to push what buttons on the consoles. We let it go and ran to put in the code. The hole closed up and we dashed through the door. We snuck past the robots and went through the door to the main computer room.

Succinct and vomit-less.

"Wow... Look at the size of this computer! It's bigger than I thought it would be!" cried Lucca. She winced. "Whoops..."

"Hey! I told you to stop where we split up! You peeked ahead! How far?!" I yelled.

"Um......... The End of Time," she mumbled.

"Well, it's too late to change any of that, so I guess you know what to do here."

It's kind of troubling how indifferent and detached Lucca is from everything, especially with the first big twist about to happen. I guess he doesn't want anyone to have feelings, since any show of emotion gets glossed over unless it comes from him.

She walked up to the computer and started tapping buttons, while I explained to Crono and Marle thai I would explain in good time. The computer displayed a large satillite picture of the world before it zoomed in on Proto Dome and put some technical data around it.

"That would be Proto Dome," said Lucca, "reading" the words off the screen.

"Hey," said Marle, "what's this big button for?"

Lucca then told Marle to stop being so stoopid and to get out of her labor-atory.

She walked up to it and pushed the button. The screen suddenly blinked into the words, "A.D. 1999. Visual Record of the Day of Lavos." We all watched as the picture of the terrible destruction rolled on. I whispered, horrified, to Lucca, "It's a lot worse on this side of the screen, isn't it?"

She nodded slowly, awed by the power and terrible destruction.

I looked over at Marle and Crono and then saw them sobbing into each other, holding tightly. The movie ended and the computer shut down, out of power after 301 years, probably had a nuclear battery.

I take that back then. Crono and Marle are allowed to cry. It's just Lucca that thinks the end of the world is cool.

"1999," murmered Malre. "That's our future...? NO! I refuse to believe it! Crono! Hugh! Lucca! We must stop this! Right? RIGHT?"

"We shall defeat this evil called Lavos and give these people a better future!" I yelled.

"We must destroy it and save the world!" cried Crono.

"The beast should never have existed! We shall wipe it out!" screamed Lucca.


“Let's do it!" We all yelled together. We ran out of the room, hacking up robots and bugs until we got back to the main chamber. Doan looked up, surprised, and yelled, "You're back! What did you discover?"

"Well..." began Marle. "This is our future!"

"What!!!!" cried everyone, running towards us.

"We also found this," I said, holding out the seed. I glared at Marle for revealing that before I revealed the seed.

Yeah, way to steal the thunder-stealer's thunder, you bitch.

"A seed?" asked a guy to my left. "What good's a seed?"

"This seed is the only thing you guys have left! Don't just throw it away and suffer even more!" yelled Crono at the startled crowd.

"This seed is the only piece of food inthis place that's not rotten, but if you are patient and wait you could have enough food to feed the world and then some!" I told the man.

”I mean, if you survive that long.”

"But... hey!" started Doan. "You do look different then us." he looked back and forth at us and the natives of the time.

Marle replied, "I think it's because we're healthy!"

"He...al...thy, I like the sound of that!"

"By the way, do you happen to know the way to Proto Dome?" asked Marle.

"You need to get to Prtot Dome, eh? Well you have to pass through lab 32 before you can get there, but there is a fast way through it! I have an old Jet Bike I used to ride that could get you across in a jiffy!"

"Don't worry!" said Lucca. "We've got a car!"

Yeah but your car's a piece of shit.

"The Aeon won't get us past the race with Johnny, though," I replied.

"Godd point."

"Then here's the key!" And Doan handed it to me.

Waving goodbye, we started to go through the door. Remembering the sickening rot on the other side, we closed our eyes until we felt the harsh air of the future on our skin. When we opened our eyes, we saw that the Aeon was covered in Shadows that were accompanied by three Mutants.

"Looks like we've got another fight!" said Crono. We all pulled out our weapons: Marle hade a Lode (some metal native to this world) Crossbow; Crono, a Lode Sword (katana); Lucca, a Plasma gun; and me, a greatsword I named Apocalypse. I found it in the computer room when the movie for Lavos played. (A/N: it looks basically like Cloud's Apocalypse sword, but thinner)

It sure would have been inconvenient if the game didn't spawn in an item that never existed to help Hugh once again hog the scene.

Lucca and Crono started with a Flame Whirl that destroyed all the Shadows. Marle and I went after two of the mutants.
This battle was extremely tough. We had avoided the Mutants of the Labs with great difficulty, barely making it thanks to the car. I had not believed us powerful enough to fight the Mutants yet. This battle proved me wrong. As Apocalypse sliced through the siddle of my opponent I heard it make a horrid screaming noise and it lashed a tongue at me, which started sucking my blood. I roared like a dragon and sliced the tongue off. In major pain and only hlf-healed the Mutant turned and started running away.

"THOU SHALT NOT RUN FROM ME!" I yelled, surprising myself. I felt an odd energy run through my sword and into my arm, I performed Cross-slash, but instead of hitting it like it usually did, waves of fiery red energy flew from the tip and sliced through the Mutant. I sheathed my sword and it fell apart.
Marle had just finished off her Mutant and was helping Crono and Lucca fight the last one. I still had the odd energy, which felt like it was burning, so I yelled, "Get out of the way!" and unsheathed my sword again. They promptly jumped aside and I sliced through the Mutant as before, it blew up when the final wave struck it. I sheathed my sword and got into the Aeon. (A/N: LIMIT BREAK!!!)

He gets magical swords spawned in to help him, he knows how to do limit breaks, is there anything besides bathing and not driving like an idiot that Hugh can't do?

"What just happened?" demanded Crono.

"The Mutant was going to run from the fight it started. I despise such cowardice," I answered. "But don't worry my anger has passed."

You're such an honorable samurai, Hugh.

That's what you wanted people to say right?

I started the Aeonn and noted, "THe Aeon's nearly out of gas." When no one got in I asked, "Why aren't you getting in?"

"You said the car was out of gas."

"I said NEARLY out of gas! It'll probably be enough to get us to the labs and then we'll take the Jet bike from there."

Yeah you frelling idiots! How dare you not hang on my every word!

"Oh." Everyone got in and I floored it all the way to Lab 32. The enginge died just as we entered.

"What'll we do with the stuff in the car?" asked Lucca.

"I'll leave them in the charge of the one who lives here.," I replied.

"Who?" asked Crono.

"He'll arrive in a few seconds, so let's ready the Jet Bike," answered Lucca. We went to the cockpit of the Jet bike and I inserted the key. I heard a siren and we headed for a more open area. Four robots showed up and everyone was about to pull out their weapons when I said, "Stand down. The Keeper of the Labs is nere." 'Heeeeeere's JOHNNY!' I laughed inwardly.

And everyone else cringed outwardly.

There was a raoring noise as loud as a V8 engine and Johnny the motorcycle bot flew in at top speed. The four robots we were prepared to fight suddenly said, "It's... the MAN!"

"Uh, huh," said Johnny, sounding like Elvis. "You low lifes can call me Johnny. You, over there!" he pointed at us. "You know how to drive that thing?"

"I think I might," I said. "But could you help me refresh my memory?"

Of course I know how to drive, baka! I-I'm just seeing if YOU know how!

"Of course!" said Johnny and he launched into a lengthy speech about how to drive the Jet Bike. "Now that you know how to drive it, you wanna race?"

"Yes," I answered. "but first I wish to ask you a favor. Could you keep watch over my car and its contents? It's been attacked by Shadows and Mutants several times since our arrival."

"If you can beat me I will!"

Hugh then lost miserably and his car and all of his anime porn was destroyed by Mutants. The end.

"Ono on one? So that I can be more comfortable?"

"You're on!" I leapt into the Jet Bike and turned the key. Johnny, in motorcycle form, and I eased up to the entrance of the old highway and waited for the start.

"3! 2! 1! GO!!" yelled a robot. Lucca fired her gun in the air and Johnny and I took off. He started in the lead but I pulled ahead about half way through and stayed there until around a mile from the end. I pushed the button for the rocket boosters and flew past him, crossing the finish line. Then we turned around and headed beck for the entrance to tell everyone the news.

The Bike Race in Chrono Trigger is kind of an important scene, because it's the first really “fun” thing that the player has done since entering the future and learning that the world was going to be destroyed. The fact that it was shoved into a few paragraphs, most of which are the self-insert MC trying to be a DBZ character, is, to be honest, kind of peeving me.

"You did it!" "Way to go!" "Yeah! Ha, ha!" ”Hugh's the coolest! shouted my friends as we told them the news. Johnny promised to take car of my stuff until we returned for it. Everyone piled into the Jet Bike, which was a tight squeeze, with Lucca driving for the experience. We decided to leave it at the edge of the highway. We traveled to Proto Dome, fought a few robots, then rested up before moving to the back and finding Robo.

"It's a robot!" said Lucca, in mock surprise. "I'm gonna fix it!"

"But then it will attack us!" cried Marle.

"No, it won't. Robots aren't evil, just the people who program them."

"You pity them don't you?" Lucca didn't answer her.

A couple hours later, Lucca finished working on Robo. She pushed the activation button and stood back. Robo started beeping, then he jumped up and began emitting sparks!
He jumped around a bit before finally regaining control of his systems.

It's just like in the game wow.

"All Systems operational. Who are you?" He asked me, the first person he saw.

"My name is Hugh. These are my friends: Crono, Marle, and Lucca, who fixed you.”

"Understood. Madam Lucca fixed me."

"Just Lucca, no 'madam,'" said Lucca.

"But that would be rude!" said Robo.

"I thought you would have programmed that out of him," I muttered to Lucca.

Hugh after all has a ton of experience in sucking the personality out of characters in this game.

"Shut up," Lucca ordered me. "Listen, I hate fancy titles. Everyone else here does, too," She added to Robo.

"Positively hate 'em" grimaced Marle.

"Understood," replied Robo.

"What's you name?"

"Name? Ah, my serial number. I am R66-Y."

"No, no, no. That won't do at all. How about... umm..."

"How about Robo?" I interjected.

"Yeah that oughtta work! Your new name is Robo!"

"Storing to memory... Complete. I am Robo."

so realistic. 8 bit graphich blast processing.

Crono suddenly spoke up, "What about the door? Marle told it wouldn't open."

Robo walked over to the door and heaved at it with all his might. "the generator has been shut off," he explained. "We will have to go to the Power Plant up north to return power, but one of us will have to stay behind to open the door. The plant requires access codes that I have stored in my memory bank."

The only time Bardick is capable of being faithful to the source material is when he rips off pages upon pages of the original dialog.

"All right, Crono," I said. "Who's gonna stay behind?"

"Why are you asking me?" asked Crono.

"You started all this. Therefore, you are the leader of this little group. Plus, I don't like making choices that affect others."

How do you figure? You've been playing puppet-master this entire story. No one has had any agency except from whatever words come out of Hugh the Weeb's mouth.

"Okay... I don't know... Let's do some form of random selection. I can't decide."

"I may be of some assistance in this matter," interrupted Robo. "I have a random number program that can pick one of you to stay behind."

"All right, start 'er up!" exclaimed Lucca. A small, holographic image of Crono appeared and started to cycle through the four of us. It finally stopped on me a few seconds later.

"Well, I suppose I'll be staying here! Hey, Robo, if I accidentally fall asleep when the power comes back on, what should I do?"

Oh wow! You may prove me wrong yet. The crew is going to do something on their own without Hugh spoiling the whole damn story.

I bet they fail and need to be rescued.

"Here," he said. "I will create an alarm for you. It will be plugged into the power supply. Once the poewr has been returned the whole place will fill with sound, which should wake you up."

"Thanks." Robo fixed up the alarm and the others left. I had intentionally asked Robo that question so I could make up for the lack of sleep over the past few days.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! The speakers of the dome blared with the sound of the alarm.

Oh. Ok. We can just skip all of the cool genocidal robot stuff so that we can get descriptions of...Hugh sleeping. We don't need to feature the characters that are actually fun.

"HOLY HELL! What a wake-up call!" I yelled upon being shaken awake by the shockwaves of sound. I quickly opened the door. The power (and thankfully the alarm) shut off again a few minutes later.

After a bit more waiting, Lucca, Crono, and Marle walked into the dome carting Robo behind them.

"Robo!" I said in feigned surprise. "What happened to him?!"

"A few of his brothers attacked him. We dismantled them and saved Robo. Now I have to fix him again," "explained" Lucca.

After a few minutes, Lucca presented Robo as good as new, I had learned a few things about robots, and Crono and Marle caught up on some sleep.

A few minutes' sleep? Sounds more frustrating that rejuvenating.

"Lucca, I think you should sleep, too," I said. "You've been working really hard." Robo and I discussed some more about his time's technology, and I told Robo about leaving
the Aeon and my stuff with Johnny and he proposed to retrieve the books.

"Do not worry. I just need to program a holographic message for proof of your permission. I will then return quickly," said Robo.

"Thanks, I fear what could happen to paper in this atmosphere," We recorded the message and he took off fo rthe Labs. I only had to wait a few minutes before he returned, laden with books and electronics.

Probably could've just skipped the middle man and called him Tobi.

"Wow," I commented. "Robo, yer fast. The only things I can think of faster are a couple of beings called Sonic and Shadow the Hedgehog, from som ebooks I didn't bring, who can travel at the speed of sound."

It finally happened! Almost four chapters in and we finally got the long awaited reference to Saaaaaanic!

"Are these two organic beings?" asked Robo.

"Shadow was genetically engineered, and Sonic was born normally."

”And then in this fanfiction I wrote, Sonic impregnated Shadow and they had a son named Shadic. He's my OC don't steal.”

"Fascinating." I laughed and made some Star Trek jokes (I actually had to explain them shudder)

It's almost as if robots from a different universe 300 years in the future don't understand contemporary pop sci-fi references. What a bunch of losers, am I right, Hugh?

"Yaaaawn. Hey, there..." said Crono. He woke up Marle and Lucca, then noticed Robo was carrying all the stuff from the car.

"Robo retrieved those just a few minutes ago. Shall we be off?" I asked.

"Let's go!" exclaimed Marle.

We stepped into the back room and Robo, as the newest member of the group, opened the Gate. We stepped in, and the Gate closed, then it opened, then it closed again. We were on our way to the End of Time.

Why? The Conservation of Time Theorum doesn't exist anymore because it would be inconvenient to Hugh, remember?

It kills with unfeeling malice

-Flavor text of the Nim Replica. (I'm talking about Lavos, though)

If you have to explain your fucking end of chapter quotes then you're doing something wrong.

The Supernatural aspect of this story will begin next chapter, when Joe gets his magic. BTW, My real name is Joe wink.gif

I doubt people failed to make the connection.

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Post #6

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post Jan 27 2015, 07:52 AM
Up to this point I've avoided calling Hugh a Mary Sue because he's pretty much just gone through the motions with the other characters. These next two chapters will get rid of that though.

Shadic: Hey there peoples! I'm going to start having Author Space conversations before and after my chapters. But first I'm going to have to get the bakazaru, taintedgump, to type replies. Oh, and a slight clear-up: although the supernatural stuff's gonna be happening here, it won't be mentioned 'til next chapter.

Author notes, translated weebspeak, a self-insert character that sticks out like a sore thumb but somehow does everything right...it's like you're going through a checklist.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Five

New Magics

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: You get the point: CT is not mine.

We arrived at the End of Time in a small, square room with a pair of bright pillars of light on either side of the five of us. Marle stepped forward, looked around, and said,

"Where... Sorry. When are we?"

sigh You were doing so well too, Marle.

"Everyone," I began.

"Welcome to the End of Time," finished Lucca.

"Dreary isn't it?" Crono mentioned.

"I would call that an understatement," commented Robo.

"Well, shall we go in?" I pointed down the narrow hallway to the main platform.

He went down the hall and Robo opened the door for the rest of us. The main platform held the expected items: A lamp post, with Gaspar leaning against it, apparently asleep, a bucket of shimmering light, a small shiny thing on a bench, a set of steps to nowhere, and Spekkio's door.

Yeah, about that bucket; it kind of leads directly to the final boss and the end of the game. Up to this point, Bardic could have always made the argument that his Dungeon Mastering was necessary to save their world, but as of now, other than to satiate his desire to fuck up people's lives and prolong his “adventure,” there is no reason to keep going the strictly linear way that you would on your first playthrough. He knows better.

"Odd place for such an old man to live isn't it?" asked Marle.

I decided now was a better time as any to tell my tale, "While he's sleeping a have tell you guys something a little shocking. My name is really Joe, not Hugh.

Oh my god that changes EVERYTHING!

I don't know why I gave a false name. I guess it sounded good at the time. But anyway... I'm from another Universe. In that Universe, this whole adventure, is a game. The way I came here was through a Universe Gate, not unlike the Time Gates, which closed permanently when I came through with Lucca, the Aeon, and all those books and stuff that were inside it. I have actually beaten the game several times, and Lucca," I glared at her. "played up to somewhere here. If you have any questions about what to do, just ask me. OH, and the old man there was banished here by Lavos."

It's just a shame that you couldn't bring this up earlier because you were afraid of messing up the timeline somehow. Not that that's any less of a supposed risk at this point. You're stupid, Joe.

Also Gaspar is just kind of a sidenote.

A stunned silence ensued for about half-minute. It was broken by Crono, who said: "Sooo, what are we supposed to do now?"

I would have asked why he didn't try to stop any of this from happening if he knew everything about it.

But that's none of my business.

I indicated the sleeping man, "Attempt to wake up Gaspar." We walked over to Gaspar and tried nearly everything to wake him.

Except talking to him, apparently.

"He's not walking, now what?" asked Marle.

"Lat's go," said Lucca.

"Go? Go when?"


Suddenly a deep, fairly imposing voice said, "Hey."

"Well, hello." I looked at Gaspar. "You certainly are a sound sleeper, we tried nearly everything to wake you."

"You must not have noticed I was already awake, and simply listening in," He grinned. "Interesting story you told, thinking I couldn't hear you. Actually I already knew, I saw you arrive from this station. I had Spekkio figure out your magic type, why don't you go see him now?"

”Yeah let's skip all of the important world building and get on with getting super powers.”

-Joe aka Shadic the Hedghog

"Hey!" yelled Marle. "Why are we here in the first place?!"

"Oh, right. You are here at the End of Time because, as the Conservation of Time Theorem states: 'if more than four intelligent beings attempt to use a Gate at the same time, then they end up at the time period of least resistance.' Which is here. Or, in case the Gates here become inaccessible, the Beginning of Time (A/N: I got this idea from Cain, see my profile for his stories)."

No. Also fuck you. The entire Time Theorum gets +1'd because Joe is so damn important to the story that he rewrites physics.

"Okay, I guess it's time to see Spekkio. I didn't think we'd see him this quickly," said Lucca. The five of us went into the door behind Gaspar. I saw a little, blue beast with hair running from the edge of his forehead to the base of his spine.

"Hey," whispered Crono. "What's with the Kilwala in the middle of the room?"

"Huh? I see a blue Ogre. That must be Spekkio."

Spekkio here has an interesting mechanic in the game in that his sprite changes depending on what level your party is at. What Joey-Joe-Joe here is implying is that he's stronger than everyone. Because of fucking course he is.

"Hey!" called Spekkio. "I'm Spekkio, Master of War! I see lots of battles from here. Say, how do I look to you? Strong? Or weak?"

"Strong," I said.

"Weak," answered Crono and Marle.

"Strong," Lucca agreed with me.

Oh yes, and so is his designated love interest.

"Weeell, let's put it this way: if you're strong, I look strong. If you're weak, I look weak. But enough of that, time to give you magic!" Spekkio went on. "There was once
thought to be only four Elements of Magic: Lightning, Fire, Water, and Shadow. But I've discovered two more types: Earth and Wind.

Sure, let's just change all of the inconvenient canon.

Kid with the funky hairdo, you're Lightning; ponytail, you're Water; Glasses, you've got Fire magic; and Mr. Otherworldly, youuu... I'm actually not sure about. We'll let the magic decide what you are. 'Bot, sorry, but you don't have magic."

"Lemme guess," I said. "We've gotta walk around the room three times."

"Actually, No. You don't have since the old guy said you're after Lavos, the son of a worm," replied Spekkio.

Jesus Hoobastank Christ. I'm dying here. Any sort of traction is immediately done away with because Joe is just so special.

"Thank you, sir" Robo bowed.

"IPSO! FACTO! MEENIE! MOE! MAGICO!!!" screamed Spekkio.

Lightning flew out of the darkness above and struck Crono. His eyes flared white for a few sconds before fading back into their nromal green. Then a geyser suddenly erupted under Marle's feet, and when it went down, her eyes were changing from a dark blue and she was amazingly dry. Lucca was then surrounded by flames which soon died down, she had red eyes for a few seconds.

Then, I was surrounded by flames like Lucca, but it didn't seem the same. I was feeling the flames burn me, but somehow I knew I wasn't actually being hurt. I still ended up feeling like burnt Spam when they died down.

"There, ya got magic," Spekkio said. "Wanna try it out?"

"No thanks, gotta save the world!" replied Marle, cheerfully.

“Pussy!” replied Spekkio.

We walked out of Spekkio's place and Gaspar said, "I'm sure you'd like to go running back and forth through time, but first you need to return to the year 1000. The trip'll help you figure stuff out."

We walked back to the Gate Room before I noticed we still numbered five. I mentioned this to Crono.

"Good point. Robo, I don't think people in my time period will like you very much. You'd better stay here," he decided.

"Let's do it!" yelled Marle. We all stood on the edges of the Pillar-gate as I activated the Gate Key. We took off into the murky darkness of the End of Time. Then we were headed through the blue and purple swirls of Gate travel.

A Step Onto Chronos: The Magical Adventures of Chrono, Marle, Lucca and Hugh Joe.

"Your ticket to the future is always blank"

-Vash the Stampede, Trigun.

Next chapter, the real craziness begins.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Jan 27 2015, 10:31 AM

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Post #7

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post Jan 28 2015, 04:09 PM
I promised some crazy shit, and by gum you're gonna get some this chapter.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Six

The Magic Village

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: I own CT! YES! Oh, wait. I'm dreaming...

When the Gate travel ended, we were surrounded by darkness and I was pinned aginst something very much like a wall, by something that felt alot like another person.

Well this story's about to take a very dark turn.

"Um, guys? Whoever's closest to the closeet door, could you open it?" I said. I heard a muffled "We're in a closet?", a bit of banging around, and then, "Ah, there it is!" What I could see got brighter as the door was opened and we all fell out.

Never thought I'd see the day that Joe would come out of the closet.

"Who are you and what were you doing in our closet!" yelled a squeaky voice.

"Yeah! Who do you think you are? Coming in and out of our closet at all times of the day!" reprimanded another.

I don't get it. Did they time travel to Alabama or something?

"What are you talking about?" whispered the first voice. "This is the first time something like this has ever happened!"

"I just thought it sounded good."

"Uh, 'scuse me," I said getting up. "I'm terribly sorry about the whole closet thing, but there's a temporal anomaly in there we need to keep using. So that we can save the world and degrade your crappy dictator-mayor."

"Reeeeallly," the first Imp, with brown skin, rolled his eyes. "So yer what? Time travelers?"

Oh, I misjudged. One of them is brown, so they must be in New Orleans.

"That is correct," spoke Crono. "And it is highly imperitive that we occasionally requisition the use of your wardrobe in our quest to save the future from the Apocalypse." I was slightly stunned by this amazing use of words from someone I didn't know could talk a few weeks ago, and so was everyone else. By the former, not the latter.

I'm just as surprised as they are that Crono talks like a douche.

"Um, o-okay, s-sure. You can use our closet..." said the other Imp, a blue one.

"What's wrong with you?" asked the Brown Imp. "By the way, good speech, are you emissaries from the King of Guardia, too?"

"No, no, no. He's just another human being," I replied quickly.

Unlike those fascist man-pigs at the castle!

"But he will make for an excellent King," I added under my breath.

"You should see the old man to the west, he's really nice," tossed in the Blue Imp.

"Right, we'll do that," concluded Lucca. "If we want to make it before nightfall we should get going." We headed for the door and Marle just had to speak up.

”Ugh, just frell off Marle! You're such an embarrassment!”

"Why are you being so nice? I thought Mystics hated humans."

"Our motto's forgive and forget, but not many others seem to agree with us," answered the Brown Imp.

"Oh, okay! Bye!" Marle waved cutely and followed us out the door. As we were walking into the sunset, Marle asked me something odd, "Hey Joe, what happened to you when Spekkio gave you your magic?"

"What do you mean?" I replied.

"What do you mean, what do I mean?"

"The only freaky thing I noticed about my magic was that I felt like I was being burnt to death, but I could tell I wasn't being hurt."

It's kind of like when you put on a rubber glove and put your hand in fire you feel hot but you're not actually burned.

"That's odd. My magic just felt nice and warm," said Lucca, puzzled.

"I felt a tingly, but the lightning bolt didn't hurt," added Crono.

"And mine was refreshingly cold," tossed in Marle. "But what I'm talking about was your eyes, they looked like cat eyes, except they were red, then they turned completely the colour of molten metal!

It's probably because sigh Joe is so much stronger than everyone.

“And as an extra-creepy thing, there was a shade of a demonic being around you. It was about two feet taller, with a snake-like tail, and huge wings!"

"Not only that," added Lucca. "But the shade had orange, scaled skin; dark, crimson hair; and it looked at me weirdly."

"How so?" I asked. I was beginning to get freaked out, because I hadn't ssen any such shade.

"It, it almost looked like it... cared about me!" she whispered. This really scared us.

The world ending? Nah, no biggie. Finding out that you're just a video game? Lol why me worry? Someone caring about Lucca? Absolutely terrifying.

Jeez, what was their friendship like before Joe came around?

A demon who cared? It was freaky. What really surprised me, though, was that it seemed to reflect my feelings, because I cared about Lucca, too.

"Erm, can we get off of theis subject? I'm getting really freaked out," said Marle, looking worried.

"Yeah," replied Crono. "Why don't we try out our magic? We might need it."

Maybe you should've taken Spekkio up on his offer in the last chapter.

But that's none of my business.

"Good idea. Let's find a place with rocks and other hard stuff," I said. "There's a cave just over there." I pointed just north of Melchior's house, which we could see by now, at a large mountain.

"How do you kno- Oh, right. Other world, game thingy, right."

I'm glad Bardic has such a lazy catch-all excuse for everything.

"Shall we?"

"I dunno," replied Lucca. "It's getting dark. Let's just stop at Melchior's place, see if we can spend the night, THEN go to the cave."

"Okay," I shrugged. Then my brain caught up with my ears. "Hol' up. How'd you know thatit was Melchior's place?"

"He mentioned to me that he lived on the eastern continent."


You know. When Lucca talked to him. You remember that time right? When Lucca spoke to Melchior? Good times. Good times.

We got to Melchior's house and he let us stay the night for free, and even supplied breakfast. We said our thanks, bought some stronger weapons, then headed north. As we approached the cave, we began seeing signs saying stuff like: "Go away!" or "Turn back or die!" or, my favorite, "Enter the Magic Cave! See amazing creatures before they eat you!" We ignored the signs and, when we entered, a pair of Henches yelled, "Death to the Mystic's Enemies!"

We didn't even bother pulling out our weapons. Instead, we had agreed earlier, that we just use magic. Lucca and Marle would take the first fight, and Crono and I would take the next. Apparently the girls already had a combo spell, because Marle froze one of them solid, followed by Lucca's Fire spell. They repeated this to the other, melting them both into oddly coloured puddles.

I'll give Bardic a bit of credit in that his prose accurately depicts the tedium of your average JRPG battle system.

"Well, the Antipode attack in the first battle. That was certainly unexpected," I laughed as we continued. "Hey Crono, you got any ideas for what we could do for a combo spell?"

"Nah," he replied. "We should just hit each one on our own. Fire and Lightning are too much alike."


That's gotta be the lamest excuse I've heard. I think he just doesn't want to interact with you, Joe. Marle's obviously getting to him.

We reached the next battle field and attacked immediatly. Crono raised his arms and concentrated, causing a bolt of lightning to smash into the Hench, disintegrating him in one shot. I attacked next, and I didn't like it. I concentrated the power of my magic and felt pain. A LOT of pain. Flames ripped through my skin and I screamed in agony. I concentrated all the pain and fire I could muster into a ball that I threw into the Hench. It slid in and his eyes widened. Heat began flowing out of his pores, his scars, any kind of opening between his guts and the outside world until he melted away like a snowball in Hell. I panted, shocked that my first spell was Point Flare.

The Guardian boss battle got less text than these jobbers.

"Are you okay?" asked Lucca.

"I feel like crap," I replied. "I can't believe my own spell didn't burn me into oblivion! But, as an upside, it was a frickin' Point Flare!" I sighed and stood up straighter. "It was a minor one to be sure, but Point Flare is a spell even Lavos uses! I can't wait for my second level spell!"

His first spell is one that the final boss uses. Because of course it is.

We moved on, fighting the occasional Jinn Bottle and Weevil, until we found the Heckran's chamber. Along the way, Crono learned Spincut (stupid name, he doesn't spin at all), Marle learned Cure, I learned a move I called Sonic Blade (I hold my sword away from me and fly past my enemy uber-fast, slicing them in two), and Lucca learned Safe, a barrier against physical attacks.

Shit man, I'm surprised you haven't learned Sephiroth's Supernova the way you're progressing.

Before we entered I noticed a little, sparkling sphere outside the entrance. "What's a Save Point doing in a real world?"

"That's called a Safe Sphere here," Lucca replied. "The area around it repels monsters, so that people can sleep peacefully here. No one knows their origins, but they've been around since recorded history."

"Hn, musta been the Entity's fault."

"Who's the Entity?" Asked Crono.

And with that simple question, Crono started a hundred flame wars on Chrono Trigger fan sites.

I grinned. "You must wait for a forest to rise from the desert and a robot to work for four hundred years for that question to be asked again. You might just get an answer then."

"You suck."


"Love you, too." We laughed about that and I went on to explain the Heckran's weaknesses. "Use only Magic, physical attackswill cause a severe counter-attack. After a while he will get into a defensive stance and will counter ANYTHING we throw at him, so save the healing stuff for then. Unless one of us happens to be horribly wounded."

Thanks GameFAQs!

We charged into the chamber, not pulling out our weapons. Heckran screamed, "Death to the Mystic's enemies!" We attacked with every offensive spell in our arsenal. I was getting mentally burned with every attack I used, and, thankfully, I only had to use it three times before he entered counter-mode. Marle gave each of us an Ether to counter the magical side-effects. It turned out that over-using our magic caused the initial feeling of getting our magic to increase: Crono's body started twitching a little due to electricity, Marle was shivering, Lucca was sweating, and I was turning red, as if from heat stroke. Lucca handed us all a potion for the scratches Heckran was leaving with his claws.

As I drank the healing liquids I thought of a new attack. It would hurt worse than Point Flare, but it might just finish off Heckran. I explained this to Crono and the gang. They understood and stepped away. The Heckran returned to his "relaxed" pose and I began charging my magic. I forced the flames into a sphere of barely contained energy. It grew brighter and brighter until it was pure white. The strongest color. My brain felt as though it had gone light-speed in the sun's corona. I threw the ball at Heckran, crying the name for the heck of it: "Chaos Flare!"

It struck the Heckran, ripped a hole into his gut and exploded, blowing him in half. The explosion reached out across the room, mysteriously passing right through us. What was left of the monster attempted to claw at us, but when that failed, he panted, "If only... the great... Magus, who... created Lavos four... hundred years ago... had destroyed... the Humans..." He closed his eyes and faded into dust.

"Whoa," Crono gawked. "Magus created Lavos? By the way, nice move."

”I can't believe that guy I've never heard of is responsible for all of this. Oh, and by the way, you have a very fine penis, Joe.

"Thanks," I panted, before chugging a couple of Ethers. "But it certainly takes a lot out of ya."

"So how're we gonna get back to the Middle Ages?" asked Marle.

"At the end of this room is a pool of water containing a vortex that'll take us back to Truce. To be specific, Lucca's place."

"Cool! Let's go!" Lucca ran off and dived into the pool head first. I followed after, though a little more cautious, and ended up being shot out of the ocean. I landed in a tree and jumped out just before Crono landed. But he wasn't as fast: Marle landed right in his lap. They jumped out quickly and I think I had two reasons why: 1. They were extremely embarrassed, and 2. the branch sounded ready to snap.

3. The writer had to make the first legitimate attempt at romance be some generic weeb shit.

"Well, shall we, um, head for the, er, yeah," mumbled Crono. His face was bright red and seemeddetermined to look everywhere but at Marle. Marle reflected him to a T. Lucca and I glanced at each other and nearly broke out laughing.

"The Gate at the fairgrounds?" I supplied.

"Yeah, that's it," Marle muttered. "the Gate at the fairgrounds."

Lucca looked out at the sun far in the west. "Huh. Looks like we were in that cave all day. Why don't we stop at my house for the night?" Everyone agreed and, as soon as we arrived, went to bed or couch or floor, in my case. I woke up in the middle of the night to see Crono shuffling into the kitchen.

I figured someone would have thrown up by now. That seemed to be a pattern up to this point.

"Midnight snack?" I got up to join him.

"Yeah," he yawned.

Alright, this could be interesting. It's a scene not from the game, and a chance to actually give the titular character a bit of...you know, character.

"Ya wanna know sumthin', Crono?" I sat down at the kitchen table and Crono pulled out some cookies from a drawer.


"That demonic image that was supposedly surrounding me sounded almost like a character I had created back home. His name was Barog Firestorm. The oddest part was, I think he reflected my feeling."

Nah, we're gonna talk about Bardick's OC.

I glanced up from the table to see Crono with half a cookie sticking out of his mouth, looking bewildered. He quickly finished eating the cookie and said, "There's a legend, I suppose you could call it, of four beings who helped the making of this world by protecting the person drawing it up. They went by the names up Barog Firestorm, Gaia
Earthknight, Kaze Hurricane,-"

"-and Frigida Icestorm," Ifinished with him. "I created those names and characters! (A/N: and don't you readers forget it! ): )

”These are my original characters do not steal.” It's too fucking easy.

To imagine they'd follow me to another world! The Elementals, children of Creation." We looked at each other completely baffled, and finished our cookies in silence.

This is all very creepy, but not as creepy as someone caring about Lucca, am I right guys?

As we got up to return to sleep, Crono said, "The only thing about our legen that isn't complete is what the creators and protectors looked like. Maybe you're an avatar or something?"

Bardic Knowledge shoehorned his OC's into being gods in the Chrono Trigger universe, with himself acting as a self-insert who apparently has all of their powers.

The Circle of Suedom is complete.

"Yeah. Right," I couldn't help but be skeptical. "'Night Crono."

"You too."

We woke up the next day and left for the fairgrounds. Crono and I said nothing about our late-night chat, but I felt seriously weirded out that my creations would follow me to another world. When we reached the Gate I told the party that we would end up at the End of Time and would do so pretty much every time we went through a Gate. We activated the Gate Key and went straight to the year 600, wasting no time.

"You call it insanity, I cal it religion"

-Shadic the Hedgehog, Author. (That's me!)

Ooh oooh let me try! I'm not a professional quote-maker, but I'll do my best!

“In this moment, I am euphoric. Not because of any phony gOD's blessing, but because I am enlightened by my own intelligence.”

-Shadic the Hedgehog, Author.

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Post #8

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post Feb 8 2015, 08:47 AM
Well we've now hit a turning point. Up to this point it has been Chrono Trigger with an annoying self-insert. From this point onward, however, it is now the Legend of Joe, featuring some video game people.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Seven

Pieces of the Masamune

Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: I really friggin' wish I owned CT. I got some CRAZY ideas.

I wonder if any of them involve a certain OC dragon god from the beginning of time. Oh who am I kidding. All of them do.

"Okay, Joe. Where are we off to?" asked Crono.

"We head for Zenan Bridge; talk to the commander, he should be in golden armour; then go to the castle and get some jerky from the Chef," I replied. "After that we join the fight at the bridge."


Oh, but I thought Crono was the leader because you couldn't make decisions for people? I guess this was before Joe finally metamorphosed into his final Sue form.

We traveled for three days to the southern tip of the Northern Continent, which is also the location of Zenan Bridge. We spoke to the commander and he asked us to get some rations for the troops, because they were late. So we made a trek up to the castle, that took about the same amount of time. It went the same as in the game: we spoke to the chef; he said he was busy; we walked away, fairly ticked; he caught up to us; gave us the jerky, which was actually stuffed into three "bags of holding;" and dashed back to the kitchens.

”Bags of holding?” Well I guess that explains it; A Step Onto Chronos is literally a D&D campaign that Bardic decided to publish on FFN.

Also it's a solo campaign.

When we finally got back to the bridge, we saw people with missing limbs and others laying on the ground from hunger and lack of energy. We spoke again to the commander.

"Everyone! We have food! The cook has saved us!" he yelled. Soldiers came running, or limping very fast, and got as much to eat as could be spared. Then things got worse: three soldiers came running up to usand announced that the army would have to fall back, because the Mystics were too powerful. The commander turned to us and said, "I recognize you as the ones who defeated Yakra and saved the Queen.

”Despite the fact that I've been here the entire game and had never seen any of you.”

My name is Commander Migjar, will you help us in battle?"

We nodded and he handed me a golden helmet. I passed it to Crono who stuffed it into our personal "Bag of Holding." We ran onto the bridge and found our first battle: three skeletons, Regenators, I think they were called, and Ozzie, the floating gut. I executed the Chaos Flare and discovered that the shockwave from Ozzie, it couldn't penetrate his fat for some reason, shattered all the skeletons. Ozzie retreated and we followed.

Next was four skeletons and Ozzie. Crono waited for them all to gather and then used his Cyclone attack. I could tell it wouldn't be enough so I charged in with Sonic Blade, caught Crono's sword and accelerated him, still holding out my sword. Our combined swords and speeds shattered all the skeletons. I let go of Crono's sword and continued on until I hit Ozzie, my sword bouncing out of his enormous stomach. Crono stumbled dizzily out of the remains of the skeletons a short while later. He recovered quickly and we called our attack the Sonic Cyclone.

I've racked my brain thinking of a way for this glob of text to actually turn into something that makes sense, but I can't. The physics of it just don't work.

Ozzie retreated again, but we actually caught up to him faster than we should have.

"So, you think you're so tough!" taunted Ozzie. "Just wait 'til you meet Zombor!" Once he said the name, six skeletons floated in from the bridge and grouped together. Three of them turned into a torso with puny wings, and the other three bacme a pair of legs that attached themselves to the body. We got ready to fight and instantly used two of our newest Double Techs-

Fuck it, I'm cutting ahead. If anyone really wants to read that monstrosity of a paragraph go look on IGN.

We were so physically and magically drained that we had to drag each other to Domino Inn.

The next day we headed south to Frog's place in the Cursed Woods. Marle asked why it was called the Cursed Wood, and I admitted that I didn't know.

I don't see why you didn't just fanwank something. It's not a particularly hard thing to come up with.

I located the bush at the entrance of Frog's house and we climbed down the ladder.

"There's no one home," said Marle, as she looked around. I started for the treasure chest at the far end of Frog's bed. Just as I reached the foot of the bed, Frog jumped down from the ceiling, sword at the ready. He took a quick glance around at us before realizing who we were.

"'Tis thee, Hugh. And the rest of thine party appears to be present as well," said Frog. He sheathed his sword and walked to the chest I had been heading for. "Why hast thou come to visit me? And while we speak of this, how didst thou know where I dwell?"

It's not the first time Joe's heard that one.

"I can answer both of those questions with one answer," I answered. "My name is Joe, not Hugh. I picked a false name for some stupid reason or other, and because I thought I would be able to reach my home Universe, unfortunately my gateway closed up before I could return permanently. In my home world, this world is a game for children, and finding your house is part of the quest to defeat Magus.

"Thou art from another world? 'Tis shocking news, but I am sorry. I do not think that I am strong enough to defeat him, even with thy help..."

Joe: You're just a video game character.

Frog: Ok cool.

Frog turned away and seemed to slouch (it was hard to tell because he was really short to begin with).

I walked over to him and asked, "Would the Masamune help?" As if in reply he spun around and stare at me. "I thought that might get your attention. Unfortunately, without the sword's hilt, we will be unable to repair it. We'll also need the blade, but I'm sure we can get that later."

"Aye, I have the hilt, and the blade is atop Mt. Denadoro, but who is left that can reforge it?"

Yo momma.

"We'll take care of that later. If you need proof that we can help, we'll return later with the blade and the Hero's Medal. Fare thee well, good knight." I turned around and started to climb the ladder.

"Wait! Thou hath told me enough to trust thee so I thusly entrust the hilt of the Masamune, in hopes that it shall be made whole once again. Upon thy return, we shall see about fighting Magus together." He got out the hilt of the sword from the chest, and passed it to Crono, who was just across the bed. Crono pulled out our "Bag of Holding" and slid it in.

Frog turned around rather quickly from his indifference to not existing to whatever emotion that was supposed to be.

"You shall not be disappointed, my friend. Expect us by the end of next week at the latest. See ya!" I waved and we all climbed up the ladder. We then headed north to Mount Denadoro, which took us about a day. Luckily, just as it was getting dark, we reached Fiona's house and she let us stay. As we left I handed her some gold pieces as thanks, though she said she didn't need it.

I give “Joe” a lot of shit for not telling the characters anything, but Bardic is outdoing himself by not explaining anything that's happening to his readers.

We reached Denadoro just in time for Tata to go shrieking past us. We stared after him for a couple of seconds before moving on up the mountain. As we met some monsters and dodged around others, I guided us to the cave of the Masamune. Our biggest trouble was the Outlaw flinging rocks at us from across a small canyon. We camped just in front of the cave entrance and the next morning I outlined a battle plan.

This is all just bland shit to me, but I would hate to be anyone who hasn't played Chrono Trigger reading this. There is no anchor here for any non-fan to latch on to; none of these people he's named have shown up at any point in the story and you know literally nothing about them.

"Alright, when we enter there'll be some kid running around talking about being the wind, ignore him and head for the blade. The kid'll stop us and ask us if we're after the Masamune, and once I affirm that he'll cal his brother out of the sword. When the first stage of the fight starts, concentrate on one of them: they'll both stop if either becomes too wounded. Afterwards, they'll fuse into a huge beast named MasaMune. When he begins to store energy, you're gonna want to use Slash to disrupt the energy, Crono, 'cause if he hits one of us with it, its gonna hurt. Now let's get 'em."

But Joe! Don't you want to recount your encounter with the “Mountains're Nice” guy?

We entered the cave and things went mostly to plan. As we walked past Mune, he stopped and watched. Once we reached the stairs, he said, "Are you here fo the Masamune, too?"

"Yes, but i was unaware others had tried," I replied.

"Another wanna-be hero, then. Oh, big brother!"

"What is it Mune?" Masa walked out from "behind" the blade, which was sticking in the ground, disguised as a whole sword.. He looked out and saw us. "Oh, not again. We should put up a 'no entrance allowed' sign."

"It wouldn't have stopped us anyway," I replied. "We're here to get the blade to its hilt, and the true owner. Now, do we have to fight you, or can we just take the blade with us?"

"You'll still have to fight us. After all-" started Masa.

”Awww, but Spekkio let us have magic without doing anything hard!

"- it isn't the sword that makes you a hero," I interrupted. "I know, how about this: I won't use my sword for the first test."

"Whatever," said Mune. "Let's just start this." Crono, Marle, Lucca, and I headed back to the entrance while Masa and Mune stood in a guardian position in front of the sword.

They hovered in the air, spinning around, and assumed their true forms. They looked like Olive-skinned, short, bald elves in robes. They also had noses that looked like beaks.
I started the battle by pulling Crono's sword out of its sheath and charging Mune, who's white robe had a purple collar. His eyes widened and he winced as I knocked the air out of him with the sword's hilt. He fell to the ground and when he jumped back up, he yelled, "Hey! You said you wouldn't use a sword!"

"Wrong," I replied, handing Crono's sword back "I said I wouldn't use MY sword, this is Crono's. Now let's get serious."

And Crono just stood there like a fucking doll while the pedantic little shit once again made everything about him.

I assumed a martial arts stance, actually it was more like a boxing stance, and started attacking Mune, randomly kicking and punching. He tried to block and dodge, but, due to my lack of fighting style, he found it difficult. He tried fighting back, but evey move was instantly turned to an attempted block thanks to my relentlessness.

”My lack of fighting ability makes me stronger than everyone else!”

After he actually hit me at one point, knocking me back a couple feet, I glanced at Crono, Lucca, and Marle fighting Masa, three-to-one, and losing. Which meant that I would have to finish this before my friends could be finished off. That meant magic. I charged up a Point Flare and threw it at Mune's feet. Thinking that I was trying to hit him in the chest, he pulled a Matrix dodge that failed to accomplish anything. He flipped end over end and slammed his head against the wall. Once he spotted Mune's predicament, Masa called fpr a stop and we all returned to our starting postions.

"Well Masa, they beat us," said Mune, then he muttered darkly. "More like I was blown by him."


"Heh, only Cyrus got this far before," replied Masa. They moved a little further away from each other and performed the Finori Fusion Technique, something only they could do.

A dark hole in the cave opened up where they made contact and out stepped the hulking MasaMune. He roared and prepared to attack.

Now he's the one that's going to blow you!

I yelled "Except for Crono, use your strongest spells!" I dodged a punch that caused a small crater and charged a Chaos Flare--bluh bluh hugh 8itch--Masamune sank to his puny knees and glowed bright colours before breaking apart into nothingness, the gold stream of his particles turning back into Masa and Mune at the head of the room. They turned into their human child forms.

"We have beaten you, so may we have the blade? Or is there another test?" I asked.

”I hope there's another test. I love beating children.”

"You have earned it," replied Masa and Mune in a single voice. They walked back to the blade and merged with it. I walked up the stairs and pulled the blade out, being careful not to cut my hands. We placed it in a sheath before sliding it into the bag along with the hilt.

Masa's voice came from the hole in the cave roof, "You wanna ride the wind down to the base of the mountain?"

We all agreed ad were picked up by a small-scale tornado which traveled to the foot of the mountain at exhiarating speeds. We then trekked south to Tata's house to pick up the Hero's Medal.

Who the fuck is Tata? Why does he have the Hero's Medal? You take massive paragraphs to describe how cool your powers are but you can't spare a sentence in explaining these crucial plot pieces? Go fuck yourself.

After that side trip, we hurried back north to the Time Gate so that Melchior could reforge the sword.

"The Glories of the past are an illusion, so are the glories of the present,"

-Edward Johnston, Timeline.

What does that have to do with anything? What the hell's the point? Motherfucker.

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Post #9

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post Feb 11 2015, 03:09 PM
Chapters eight and nine are pretty short, even for this fic, so I'm pulling a double header. I say this as a glance nervously at chapter on Magus' castle, which is over twenty pages of text.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Eight

Smithy's Requirements

A Step Onto Chronos: Now a Crossover with Super Mario RPG!

Shadic the Hedgehog

With a quick stop at the End of Time to heal up and check on Robo, we traveled to Medina to decrease the amount of time required to travel to Melchior's house.

Joe: Hey Robo what's up?

Robo: I-

Joe: Don't really care. Still don't need you.

Robo: But Joe-


When we got there I pulled the shards of the Masamune out of the "Bag of Holding."

"This sword... How did you find it?" he murmured in amazement.

"That doesn't matter, Guru, can you fix it?" I replied.

"Yes, if I had some Dreamstone. I've been meaning to ask you something, by the way: how did you find out I was the Guru of Life?"

Joe: Oh, I come from the real world. Everything in this world is a game.

Melchior: Ok, cool.

"Easy, I'm from another world. I'd tell you everything, but that would take too long. I can get you the Dreamstone, by the way. I could also return you to Zeal if you'd like. That'll take me a while, though."

"No, I don't have any reason to return, but be sure to give me my regards!" Melchior laughed.

"As soon as we get you off of Mount Woe." His eyes opened wide.

"Now I recognize you! But where's the frog-man?"

"He'll join us as soon as we return the Masamune to him in one piece. We'd better be off if we're going to save the world!"

Joe is your older brother who steals the controller from your hands when you fight bosses because supposedly they're too hard for you.

We left the sword's pieces with Melchior and headed back to the End of Time. We switched Crono with Robo because he needed some experience, and I didn't want Ayla to slam Crono's head against the cliff. I decided to try hiding behind Lucca when she comes running in, and, if I couldn't do that, I do have an extremely hard head (A/N: One of the hardest headds I know of! In fact, brick walls don't even hurt).

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Bardic bashes his head against brick walls. And then brags about it!

Also you left the main fucking character behind? Why are you allowed to do that? Go fuck yourself.

I warned everyone of the fall after the Gate and we made a great landing. Actually, as we began the descent, I pulled my sword out and it slammed right through one of the five Reptites standing at thte bottom. He made an extremely annoyed face (I think) right before he split in half.

Getting cut in half is just such a pet peeve of mine.

Wasting no time, everyone else pulled out their weapons, and we all fought the Reptites one-on-one. By the end of the first battle, Lucca's opponent was scorched, Marle's riddled with crossbow bolts, and Robo's was a pulp. Mine was minced.

Crono's was finely sauteed and seasoned with the finest herbs before being wood roasted over an open fire.

I mean, his would've been.

When the second wave arrived I got everyone to stand back. Ayla charged in from the same direction as the Reptites and starting ripping out their jugular veins. When she got to the fifth one, she also carried it off, leaving four for us to repeat the last battle with. When we finished that fight, Lucca and I burned the carcasses left. Ayla came charging back in, but Lucca was on the other side of the field so I jumped behind the nearest of the party, which was Robo. But, being rather clueless, Ayla pushed Robo up against the cliff and I was being squashed between a literal "rock and a hard place."

The hard thing being his...ability to not piss me off at least once per chapter.

"Gagh!" I choked. "Help... Me...!" Ayla let up on Robo, I gasped in a lungful of fresh, prehistoric air (not an oxymoron. Actually, the air was better than the Earth's), then coughed harshly. "Ow, that hurt!"

"Me Ayla. Me Sorry. Who you?" she replied.

"I am Robo, the one who was crushed is Joe, and the girls over there are Lucca, and Marle, who is wearing white," introduced Robo.

”After Labor Day at that. These human females need to learn to stylize and prioritize. Beep Boop.”

"We are from many days past tommorrow," I concluded.

Ayla laughed, "HA HA HA! That good joke! You follow me to Ioka Village, talk, celebrate strong new friends!"

”You're from the future? What bullshit.” Ayla is apparently the only character with a healthy amount of skepticism.

She jumped onto the cliff running out of the Mystic Mountain range and I followed as close behind as I could, Robo and I helping Lucca and Marle onto the cliff as well. As we ran along the cliff, I pointed out the Kilwalas and horned dinos (I forgot their name) (they're called Runners you Google illiterate boob) and everyone seemed highly relieved.

We followed Ayla to her hut and were asked to wait while they set up the celebration in the Meeting Grounds. About an hour later, Kino (I recognized his hair and his duck-walk) entered the hut and announced that the celebration was set. We folloed him and began to party.

And by “party,” Joe means that he stood in the corner judging everyone and listening to Bohemian Rhapsody on repeat.

I pulled Ayla aside, after telling Lucca that I was going to talk to her.

"What Joe want?" She started.

"We need a stone known as the Dreamstone," I replied.

"Plenty stone, what Dreamstone like?"

”Oh it's an old British cartoon. I doubt you'd ever heard of it.” Joe replied has skipped ahead to his Neutral Milk Hotel album.

"It is, in fact, the very stone you use as the chief's 'badge.'"

"Joe want Red Rock?" asked Ayla, pulling out the Dreamstone. "Then Joe must defeat Ayla! Strongest become chief of Ioka!"

You'd better be careful Ayla; Joe is trained in none of the martial arts, so he's a force to be reckoned with.

"I do not wish to be chief. We only need the stone to fix something. What is your challenge?"

"If Ayla stay chief, the Joe name challenge."

"Okay... A timed race. Whoever can go into the Mystic mountains and back out the fastest wins. And you must travel in the canyon area where the Kilwalas and dinos are. The race will be just between the two of us."

That's gay. The drinking soup eating contest in the original was much better.

"Oooh, Joe make good challenge! Ayla accept!" Ayla and I returned to the celebrations and had some stuff they called "Dizzy Juice." After we all had our fill (Ayla had at least twice the rest of us), We gathered around the fire for dancing (I kept stumbling), and finally Lucca, Marle, Robo, and I slept. Or in Robo's case, saved power.

Joe impressed everyone at the dance-off with his perfect rendition of the head bob and kick.

"You're gonna get thwarked!"
-Thak, Thak 2

Thak 2: One of the few arguments that video games are art.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Nine

Reptite Thieves!

Shadic the Hedgehog

I woke up feeling horrible. I couldn't really understand why, but for some reason after the dancing, everything was a blur.

He's repressing the memories of the other prehistoric people being very mean to him by saying that his dance moves are outdated.

I stumbled to my feet and looked around. The rest of the team was in the same general area I was, but not uncomfortably close. Then I noticed the Reptite tracks and shouted, "Guys! Wake up! Wake up!" I had to grab my head after that, because I suddenly developed a spltting headache.

The Hangover Part 4: A Step Onto Chronos.

"Nrgrh," snorted Lucca. "What is it Joe?" She yawned widely, then groaned and grabbed her head.

"Yeah," mumbled Marle. "I was having such a wonderful dream..."

”You were there, and you were there, but Joe wasn't for some reason. It was wonderful.”

"Wake up Robo. We've been robbed," I replied.

Marle stood up quickly, then sat right back down, her head probably spinning. Lucca got up slower and stumbled over to Robo. She smacked his dome and his eyes began glowing.

"Yes?" Robo said. "My, you all look terrible."

Robo: White after Labor Day is one thing, but this is just inexcusable.

"Well, besides the fact that we just spent the night on the ground, it looks like we've been robbed by Reptites," I replied. "'Scuse me for a sec." I dashed off to the side of the grounds and threw up.

Yay! The vomit's back!

Wiping my face off with a discarded leaf, I added in a raspy voice, "What's wrong with us, Robo?"

"I have suspicions, but I'll have to run an analysis on the Dizzy Juice. Is there any left?" he answered.

"Yeah, there should be some over there," Lucca mumbled. After testing the chemical make-up of the Dizzy Juice, he concluded, "Apparently, this beverage is made of fermented bananas. In other words, you are all suffering from hangovers.

Called it!

I stared at him for a while before I said, "Ah, crap. I vowed never to drink an alcoholic beverage for my entire life, and now look what I've done! Guess I'll keep trying not to drink the stuff, but my broken vow shall haunt me forever."

Be more melodramatic, Joe, it's an endearing character trait.

Lucca walked over and patted me on the shoulder. "Hey, 's not that bad. Least, nothing else happened."

”That you'll remember.”



"...True. Now, the first step in getting our stuff back is to talk to Ayla."

We traveled to Ayla's hut and entered, to find Ayla herself sleeping on the nearest cot of the three on the floor. Marle walked over to her and shook her shoulder.

"Ayla, wake up," she said in a soothing voice. "Come on, wake up." 'Gee,' I thought. 'Crono's kids are going to be well cared for.'

What a normal thing to have cross your mind.

Ayla's eyes snapped open and she jumped out of the bed. What she was weaing was a frightening sight. Actually, it was the lack of what she was wearing that scared me.

Penthouse is basically the stuff of horror movies for Joe.

I spun around and Lucca laughed, "Ayla, get your furs on. You're embarrassing the man."

"Ayla no understand. Joe not like Ayla?" Ayla was amazingly awake, almost if she drank Dizzy Juice every day.

"It's not that I don't like you, just that I don't like such displays," I replied, staring out the door.

”I prefer it when m'ladies are more modestly dressed as it shows classiness that most modern women are lacking.” Joe said as he tipped his fedora.

After a little more of Lucca and Marle talking to her, Ayla finally put her furs on and wetold her the situation. She ranted about the Reptites for a while, but then she calmed down and started ranting about the Jews. We started south for the Maze Forest. Suddenly, I thought of a better idea, and thankfully before we had gotten to far.

"Hey guys, I think it might be a good idea if we trained a little before continuing to the Reptite Lair."

"What do you mean?" asked Marle.

"There's some hunting grounds up north filled with mosters. If we beat them up for a while, we might get a little stronger for any upcoming fights. We'll probably need it since Crono's not here."

And who's fault is that, jackass?

"I am afraid that I require more information," said Robo, "Before I can decide if we do that. How would it be any easier if Crono were here?"

Robo: His hairstyle shows that he is not the smartest man, and his physique leaves much to be desired.

"Simple: dinosaurs are weak against lightning, and Crono has that kind of magic. If we train enough, we might be able to defeat the Reptites without him." That seemed reason enough for Robo, but Ayla was curious as to who this "Crono" was. Marle gave a small (but detailed wink!) description.

A “detailed wink,” huh? I'll allow it.

Finally, we turned around and headed north instead. By the time we got there, it was getting dark, so we camped out in a conveniently located hut.

The next morning, we started hunting, mostly going after Ions and Anions, and waiting for the rain to start, so that we could fight the Nu. We found him, er, it (they don't actually have a gender), and began the battle.

Wait a minute, are you actually going to start writing about level grinding? Tata couldn't get a single paragraph but the Hunting Ground's getting a full mention?

I started off with a Laser Sword combo with Robo, and nearly sliced it's arm off.


-Snippy Snip-

We made it into the Maze Forest about two days later (making it approximately a week after we left Frog's house), to find Kino surrounded by monsters. There were several dead monsters around him, so he must have been putting up a good fight. We charged in and ripped, or sliced, or shot the monsters. It was an extremely easy fight compared to the Nu, and right after I actually thought up a new move! Even though my flames hurt everyone else, they can't damage me physically, so I could use it to clear out my bloodstream of poison and disease, and cauterize my wounds! Because it allowed me to clear out my blood, I decided to call the move Purification.

How do you suck so bad at biology, Joe?

Ayla asked Kino, "Why Kino here instead of Ioka? Kino needed there while Ayla help friends!"

"K-Kino here to get back friends' things from Reptites," he replied.

"How would you know about that? We only spoke to Ayla," said Lucca.

Say the people that can't even remember the night before.

Kino flinched. "Kino sorry, but Kino took friends' things. Then Reptites steal something from Kino and leave Kino here." Ayla bopped Kino on the head realy hard.

"Ayla, there is no need for violence," counseled Robo.

"Actually, it's sometimes the most effective cure for stupidy," I replied, tipping my fedora.

You've got no goddamned room to talk Mr. “Fire Can Purify My Bloodstream.”

Kino gave us back what stuff he had of ours and we noticed the Gate Key was the only thing missing. I explained that Azala (A/N: Is that how it's spelled? Could someone help me out?)

And I quote:

"Actually, [violence] is sometimes the most effective cure for stupidy," I replied.

had taken the key because it represented a form of technology that he or she knew humans of the age couldn't make. Kino returned to the village after the oversimplified explanation as to how I knew this ("He's not from around here"). That said, we traveled through the forest, and our only real problem was getting lost, since the monsters were too afraid to face us. We made it out around sunset and camped for the night. Upon opening our eyes, we were surrounded by Reptites.

"Surrender, Apes," said one wearing blue, "and maybe Azala will spare your pitiful lives. After all, he needs something to explain that device we stole." The Reptite grinned toothily and gestured for us to be picked up.

"Don't fight them!" I yelled. "This'll get us closer to the Gate Key faster than having to go through the caves!" Ayla still struggled a bit, and it took six Reptites to carry Robo, as opposed to the two for each of us.

And the eight for Joe.

Our "escorts" took a few shortcuts that were never in the game, plus we didn't have to fight anything, since we were prisoners, which meant that we would be fully rested for our battle against Nibel. And also, Sephiroth came into the room and high-fived me telling me that my plan was cool!
We'd be needing all the power we could get.

We were tossed unceremoniously into the chamber where Azala stood, contemplating the Gate Key. He turned around and said, "Excellent, these odd apes should be able to answer my question. What does this interesting device do?"

Marle edged over to me and whispered as discreetly as she could, "What should we say? I need your help here!"

"It doesn't matter what we say," I whispered backDwayne “The Rock” Johnson ran into the room and shouted. "He'll sick his triceratops buddy on us either way. Although, we probably shouldn't tell him, in case he should think to try it out himself."

"Right," she stepped forward and said, loud and clear, "None of your beeswax!" I could have done a face-fault (A/N: AKA Pratfall)! I was expecting something a bit more regal than that!

I'd curse out the anime trope, but honestly I'm just surprised he allowed Marle to speak.

"Fine!" Azala screamed. "This should loosen your tongues!" As he ran off to the side he called "Nibel, attack!" And in charged a triceratops that could walk on its back legs.

We drew our weapons (Or for Robo and Ayla, got in a fighting pose), and attacked Nibel. Robo and Ayla were attacking from the sides, while Lucca was shooting him in the back of the head. I kept his attention up front with slices of my sword. Most of his attacks, including tail attacks, were nullified by Marle's Cure spells, and when she didn't have to heal, she was freezing him with her normal Ice spell. As he began to wear down, Marle, Lucca, and I used the Antipode Bomb, but Robo decided to add something extra: jumpnig into the air, he used Rocket Punch on the Triple Tech, accelerating it.

”Hello, my name is Robo and this is Jackass.”

Nibel chose that exact moment to roar at us, and, unfortunately for him, the Bomber Fist went straight down his throat. It blew up in the vicinity of his stomach(s?), resulting in the complete cooking of his innards and a huge "fart" of fire.

”My name is Nizbeth, and I'm going to kick my dad's ass, all day today."

Azala ran off, after dropping the Gate Key, and we returned to Ioka Village where Ayla presented me with the Dreamstone.

"But we didn't do the canyon race," I protested.

"Joe has shown Ayla great strength and friendship, so Ayla give Joe Chief's Rock," she explained.

”After getting the Dreamstone Badge from Ayla, Joe and friends learned a valuable lesson about strength, friendship and the ability to make dinosaurs fart fire. What will our heroes see in the next episode?”

We thanked her and they threw another party (I tried steering away from the Dizzy Juice until Lucca mentioned that "it didn't really matter, we all got drunk earlier, and that was irreversible").

But madam, if Joe partakes in any of the Dizzy Juice, how can he ever face his straight-edged brethren on Reddit?

The next day, we passed quickly through the End of Time, switching Crono and Robo around again, and traveled to Melchior's house. Lucca and Melchior fixed the Masamune, and we headed back to the year 600, after taking a "two day" rest stop at the End of Time.

"Thunder is good, thunder is impressive; but it is lightning that does the work."
-Mark Twain

”You're gonna get thwarked!”

-Mark Twain.

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Post #10

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post Feb 22 2015, 06:26 AM
A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 10

Master of Shadow

I realize that there's a very obvious Metallica joke you could make here, but—SPOILERS!--Bardic references them in the flavor text, so he ruined the fun for me. Not that that's news.

Shadic the Hedgehog

We traveled back to Frog's house to hand him the completed Masamune, pausing on occasion to rest and battle some rouge Mystics.

Tsk, tsk, singling out enemies because of their color. Shame on you.

We reached the Cursed Woods and saw a Nu, hurrying towards Frog's underground home. We caught up to it and trapped it, in order to force a battle, right above Frog's house. He came out to investigate the noise and I tossed him the Masamune.

You just threw a sword at the guy. That's smart.

To my amazement, the Nu moved faster than I thought possible, and caught the sword itself.

"What in the...!" I blurted.

The Nu sneered and said, "So, it appears Magus's bane has been reforged. He will not be pleased."

"You work for Magus!" cried Lucca. "But why?"

Beats teaching, I'd imagine.

"Because I am no Nu. I am a Doppelganger contracted to his service."

"Why didn't you warn us, Joe?"

Because he's a retard and prioritized having an adventure over peoples' lives.

"Because this wasn't part of the game. It was just a normal Nu," I replied.

Oh, about this in particular? Yeah, because he fanwanked it but forgot to tell himself.

"I told you," shouted the Doppelganger. He changed forms to look like Frog. "I'm not a frickin' Nu!"

"Aw, shyt!" I looked to Marle, Lucca, Crono, and Frog and began charging a Chaos Flare without letting the flames emerge from my blood stream (It really freakin' hurt).
"This battle could be very tough. We have find a way to be sure we attack the Nu-Frog."

Ask them a question and see which one response in douchey Elizabethan prose.

"I thought I told you..." the Doppelganger jumped into the air. "I'M NOT A NU!"

Crono blocked with his katana, having figuring out my plan, and yelled, "Now!"

I materialized the Chaos Flare and held it up. Lucca and Marle had also figured out what I was doing and turned my Flare into a Antipode Bomb. I threw the sphere and Frog caught it on his sword. The Doppelganger turned to face him and Crono added lightning to the sword. Frog stabbed his copy and it howled in pain as Shadow and Flame energy erupted from avery pore in it's body, causing complete disintegration.

Wow that was a very tough battle. Think I'll--*snore*

"Yeah! We did it!" cheered Marle. Frog picked up the Masamune and looked around.

"I would not be too sure of that," he muttered. "The blade quaketh as it once did in Magus' presence."

"Very good, boy," a cold voice echoed through the forest.

"Was it truly a Doppelganger? Or a Shadow Mage in disguise?" I asked.

I'm trying to think of if there's any great distinction between the two, but then I realized that I don't care.

"I would not be so foolish as to hold that which could kill me," Magus stepped into the clearing. "I merely sent him to gauge your strength."

Lucca tried to shoot Magus in the head, but the shot went through him and hit the tree behind.

As is generally what happens when you shoot someone in the head.

"An illusion," growled Frog. "Thou wouldst never come here in person as long as I hold the Masamune."

"You are overconfident. I shall be waiting for you in my castle. The Magic Cave will be open and waiting." His illusion faded.

"That fiend. He darest insult me! He shall die by my hand!"

”He killed my friends, cursed me to look like a frog and kidnapped the Queen, but this? This just made it PERSONAL!”

"Still, you'll need more power than just the sword," I told him. I turned to Crono and the others. "Let's get him to Spekkio."

"Right," Crono nodded. We headed north and dropped Marle off at the Castle, because she wanted to visit some with her ancestors. After entering the End of Time, we introduce Frog to Robo and Gaspar, before heading to Spekkio's Room.

"Well, now. Normally, I woulda put you as a Water Caster, but since the discovery of the other elements, it looks like you're a Wind type," said Spekkio.

How? How is the human-frog a fucking wind type? There's no way Bardic Knowledge is so incapable of understanding basic thematics, is there?

He looked different again, but I couldn't place the species. Spekkio chanted and a tornado rose around Frog. When it settled, his eyes were shifting from a bright yellow back to normal. "There, now that you've got magic, ya wanna test it out?"

"We'll do that in a bit," said Lucca.

”Well maybe it's not always about you! Maybe I'm the one stuck here with an old dude and the rest of nonexistence for eternity. Now get your asses over here and bow to your sensei!”

"After all, we know the perfect training spot," I agreed. We grabbed Frog by the arms and took him to the Hunting Grounds in the prehistoric age, where he learned Cure and Heal, in addition to the Wind spell from Spekkio. In the meantime, I worked on adapting my attacks to look like moves from Dragonball Z, but it still hurt like hell. Like all the moves were powered by the Kaioken times a hundred and one.

If Joe goes Super Saiyan I'm fucking done.

Lucca learned Fire 2 and Crono learned Lightning 2. It was still a mystery how our Area attacks keep from harming us, or our allies.

We returned to 600 AD, picked up Marle, picked up Marle, and headed for the Magic Cave, and picked up Marle. Magus was true to his word, and had it open. As soon as we entered, I noticed a small bat flutter down and fly just out of sword's reach.

So here's how this moment went in the game:


Bear in mind, there was a lot of build up going into this about Frog's past and his insecurities about whether he was good enough. Regardless, it was awesome playing that as a kid, because, shit, the guy just cut open a mountain, how satisfying is that? When the PS1 version came out they remade the entire thing into an actual FMV cutscene. But even more than that, it was THE climactic moment of this entire part of the game. This is Frog's character defining scene, where he overcomes his old regrets and finds his original courage. Of all of the things to cut in a retelling of Chrono Trigger, why the hell was this one of them? Is it because it doesn't make Joe look strong? What's the point in even reading a “novel” of this game if the author has removed the parts of it that people liked?

Avoiding most of the monsters in the path, we traveled for the "back door." When we reached it I whispered, "Leave the new techniques for Slash, Flea, and Magus. Especially Magus."

"Why are we whispering?" asked Marle.

"Magus has eyes and ears in many places." I glanced pointedly upwards at the bat overhead.

Joe should talk very loudly about how much of a disappointment Radical Dreamers was and I'm sure Magus' spies will eventually just tune him out.

We walked up to the castle and opened the front gates. Then as we approached the top of the stair well, Ozzie appeared, laughing at us. The "bat" flew over to his ear and then flew away

"So, you've made it all the way here, Froggy and friends.

I believe it would be more accurate to refer to them as Joe and Other People Who Aren't Joe.

I'd love to teach you a lesson, but instead..." Ozzie raised his stubby arms, and we were surrounded as two Bats, Henches, and Gargoyles appeared. We drew our swords in response. "You'll have to fight all one hundred monsters in the castle!" He faded out, laughing at us.

"Remember the strategy!" I jumped into the air, slicing one of the Bats in two. Frog had cut off the head of a Gargoyle, and was jumping to take out the other Bat. Crono sliced up the second Gargoyle with a Cyclone, and the two Henches vanished in the flash of blue and red light that comes from an Antipode 2 spell.

So it's just now occurred to me that Joe has a party of five people. I guess he figured out the big glaring plot hole in Chrono Trigger only letting three (+1) people time travel by traveling in multiple groups. It's actually pretty sound in exploiting, but I have to wonder what Robo did to piss Joe off so much that he's not included.

Then Marle just had to ask, "Do we really have to fight 100 monsters?"

"No," I replied. "But we will have to fight quite a bit." I first led everyone down the left path, towards Slash's room. We walked past a bunch of villagers looking hopeless, got some stuff, then headed towards Flea's room down the other hallway.

Insert Description A into Plot B.

We walked slowly around the Shadow Children, who were watching their treasure with great want. Then we reached the Room of Regret. Before we entered I tried to explain what was in the room.

It's just this fanfic looping from the beginning and never ending.

"Inside there are memories given form. Somehow, Flea was able to create illusions of people we know. They aren't very good copies, though, for they can only say enough to make us wish we hadn't started our journey, or something to that effect. Do not be fooled."

"Thy world doth know much, Joe," Frog nodded. "Will thy knowledge help us defeat Magus?"

"Yes, I know his weaknesses, as well as those of Slash, Ozzie, and that batty Flea."

”Also I'm part dragon god and can use the Kamehameha wave. So yeah, I'm pretty cool.”

The "bat" flying overhead gave a startled squeak and fluttered a little faster. We then entered the room.

"Mom..." gasped Crono.

"Where have you been! I've been worried sick!" scolded "Crono's Mom."

"Well, I'm, uh-"

”Don't talk back to me, young man. Have you been listening to those awful Beastie Boys again?”

"Crono," I warned. "Remeber what I said? that isn't your mother, just an illusion. Let's move on."

We encountered Queen Leene, King Guardia XXXIII, and Taban, Lucca's Dad, as well. Next was my turn, and I was ready. Or at least, I thought I was.

"Joe?" It was my sister...

"'Manda? How'd you get here: I replied, shocked.

Remember when you just scolded Crono for being fooled by an illusion?

"I found my own Gate and ended up here."

"So there's a way hom?" I gasped, then I blinked and thought, 'something's not right here...'

Yeah, because you've played this game and the characters who haven't aren't as gullible as you.

"No, it closed up behind me. But maybe if we talked to Magus later, he could get us back home!"

"You're not Amanda." I put my hand behind my back and concentrated.

"What are you talking about? Of course I am."

"I've found a slight continuity problem," I winced as I summoned a small fireball in my hand. "I told no one back home of the Universe Gate, and you just said that you found your own Gate.' How could you know I hadn't merely walked from our universe to this one.

Is that...is that an actual question? “How did you know I didn't just walk 1000 years into another dimension?”

Now die, blasphemous illusion!" I threw the fireball at the illusion and ran past not wanting to see it burn or hear any screams of pain.

Turns out it actually was his sister, and, well, he's gonna have egg on his face when he explains what happened to his mom and dad hehehe.

Everyone followed me into Flea's room and I sat down on the chair, hand's covering my face. Flea the Bat squeaked, indignently at my audacity.

"Flea, you gender confused fool! Stop flapping around the ceiling! Get down here and fight me! One. On. One." Amazingly, s/he came down to do just that.

tumblr is going to hate you for calling him gender confused, but they'll love you for respecting his pronouns.

"You wish to battle, foolish Human? It shall be your undoing!" s/he cackled.

"I think not." I stood up, placed my hands, fingers to wrists, by my side. "I was going to save this, but you just had to make me mad." I charged a fireball in my hands, compressing the energy as it emerged, chanting, "Kaaa... Meee... Haaa... Meee... HAAAA!" I thrust my hands foreward, changing the position so that my wrists were touching. The ball of fire stretched out into a beam aimed at Flea's head.


S/he blocked with an ice shield then held out just long enough for my flame to run out. "I thought you said you knew my weaknesses." I replied with an evil grin and grabbed the hilt of my sword, charging Flea. S/he prepared to block a physical attack, but was quite surprised when I opened my mouth and a jet of fire flew out, in a modified Purification spell.

In response, Flea jumpedover my head and I pulled out my sword, spinnig to attack hir on the other side of me. Instead s/he landed on my sword, cape twirling. I turned the blade, causing hir to fall. S/he grabbed my sword with both hands and spun, shattering the blade.

Ok, we get it, you're progressive.

"Good job, girl. Now I can try my Icebane technique," I grinned again.

"I'm a man!" Flea protested.

No Flea, you're a demisexual transgendered bat-kin. It's like you don't even understand your own gender, white boi.

I laughed and threw the remains of my sword at hir. S/he dodged and bagen laughing, but the laughter was cut short when I sliced off hish left arm with a blade made of fire. S/he shrieked in pain and vanished.

”This is my Icebane technique!” Then he throws fire. Comedy gold.

This isn't... over..." I panted, just before I fell unconcious.

--line break--

"Hey look! He's waking up!" Marle's voice. I groaned. I tried to lift my arm, but something was weighing it down. Something warm, and kinda squishy...

I opened my eyes and looked over. "Er..." My face flushed when I saw Lucca hugging my arm, asleep.

That sounds like an incredibly weird thing to do. Also why?

I looked beyond her and saw a Safe Sphere. I carefully slipped my arm out of Lucca's grip and stood. We were in Slash's room, and his sword was missing from the wall above the chair.

Crono and Frog approached me, and I asked them what had happened since I had fallen unconcious. Apparently, after I had banished Flea, Crono had carried me out, while Frog, Lucca, and Marle were in a vanguard formation.

It must have been very awkward for Crono to carry Joe while Lucca was glomping his arm.

They defeated everything in their way until they reached Slash's room, and along the way Marle learned Cure 2 and Frog learned Wind 2.

Slash was a rather tough battle for them, but as decided, only our known attacks were used against him. Crono and Frog learned quickly that X-slash useful, and Lucca and Marle enchanted the swords with Fire and Ice.

I'm honestly surprised that he didn't do the Slash fight by himself as well, considering what a noble samurai he makes himself out to be.

Once Slash pulled down his sword from the wall, they stopped using magic and just went with normal attacks. Until Crono came up with the idea for a move called Slash Piñata. Frog lifted Slash into the air with a Wind spell, and Crono used Slash on him. There was a loud crack as the attack hit Slash's right arm, bending it in an unnatural way. Slash dropped his sword and vanished.

I can't wait for Slash Piñata to awkwardly be regularly used in battle scenes.

"Then this Safe Sphere showed up and we all took a well deserved nap," Marle concluded.

Lucca yawned and sat up as I replied, "Mind if I use Slash's sword? the Icebane technique is far too draining."

The Icebane technique in which he throws fire at people.

"Of course," Lucca replied. "We already put it in your scabbard." I blinked and looked down.

Again, that's a pretty weird thing to pull off. Why you couldn't just wait is beyond me.

"Oh. I guess I've gotten so used to the weight of a sword I didn't noticed." We laughed and I pulled out the Slasher. It was a little thin for me, but it would work.

Frog croaked at us and said, "Wherefore art we standing still?"

Ooh, five points for knowing that “wherefore” means “why.” I still hate you though.

"Right" I nodded and re-sheathed the Slasher again with a click. "We should be going after Magus. Let's head back to the entrance."

When we reached the entrance hall, there was what appeared to be a Safe Sphere, but what I knew to be a transportation device. We stepped into it, after a small explenation, and faded out, one-by-one, to appear in a hallway lined with gargoyles.

"Now where are we?" asked Marle.

I think you mean “when” are we? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA oh wait

"It's Magus' next gauntlet," I explained. "Between each pair of statues is a battle. Watch out for the Jugglers because their defenses switch between magic and physical."

"Isn't there a way to avoid them?" asked Crono.

"I've tried, the gargoyles contain real creatures."

"Then why not destroy them before they wake?" asked Frog.

Well that's not a bad idea, but you're making the assumption that the monsters wouldn't just appear out of them anyw—Why do I bother?

I blinked. Then I smacked myself on the forehead. "Duh! We're not actually in a game right now, so they can be killed outside of battle! Crono, you remember that Kamehameha Wave I used earlier? Well, there's the basic idea, but I'd like to teach you another move: it's called the Supreme Cannon.

Oh no. No. Dude. Come on. Be reasonable.

Basically, you channel your energy into your fingertips, and after you get enough, you release it forward in a beam that's got two more spiraling around it. You try it out on the left row. I've got the right."

Stop teaching other characters to be cancer like you!

We got into position and Crono used the attack almost completely identical to the way Piccolo did it on DBZ. Instead of using the Kamehameha Wave this time, I used Prince Vegeta's Gallic Gun attack. It looked about the same, but was less focused in the ray itself, but more powerful.

It would be hilarious if Frieza just showed up and tried to blow up their planet right now. And bonus: It solves the Lavos problem!

All of the statues in the room were either shattered or completely destroyed. We then, in hope that it was safe, traveled through the center of the room. It had worked, we didn't get into a single battle. After we got through that room, we walked into a room filled with conveyer belts and guillotines. Looking towards the back of the room, we noticed Ozzie turning a crank. He spotted us and stopped the crank.

Spotted and stopped are basically the same word with the middle consonants traded. That's not relevant to anything, I just decided to share.

"Welcome to my first hall of horrors! Think you can make it through alive?" He laughed and then began turning the crank again. We looked around for a way to get through easily and I glanced up to the ceiling. Apparently, the guillotines weren't attached directly to the ceiling.

"Glenn, think you can carry us over there with Wind 2?" I asked.

Why can't you just fly like Goku did or steal Tien's skydancing technique?

Frog blinked and looked up at me, "H-how didst thou knowest my true name?"

"'Nother world remember?"

"I see. Yes, I do believe I can carry us all with my magic."

"Good. By the way, would you prefer being called by your real name?"

”Helleth no, wench, doth thou thinkest we art the BFFs?”

"Y-yes, it would be much more... Comfortable..." Glenn then turned forward and raised his arms, chanting softly. A wind began to stir at our feet, raising a small cloud of dust and whipping our clothes around. Eventually, it gained enough strength that it picked us up off the ground. Glenn started chanting louder, and it carried us over the guillotines all the way to the door on the other side of the room, landing next to Ozzie.

Ozzie blinked, then turned towards us before he phased off into the next room. We walked out the door and found ourselves on a small fire escape-like set of stairs outside the castle.

"We need to go up!" I shouted over the cold, biting wind.

That ought to be pretty damn obvious. Are the other characters just not capable of finding their way around without you to lead them by the nose?

"But be careful! The path is covered with Outlaws, Jugglers, and Bomb Rolys!" I looked ahead. "Here comes a Bomb Roly now!"

Glenn quickly began chanting again, picking us off the path and carrying us up to the doorway, which we entered.

So has Frog's ability to cheese most of the obstacles killed your DM buzz yet, Joe?

"Well, that's one way to do it," I assented. Looking down the hall, I saw... nothing. Nothing but hallway with a corner at the far end.

"What're we waiting for!" called Marle, starting down the hallway.

"No! Wait!" But I was too late in my warning, there was a loud clanking noise and a hole opened up in the ground beneath Marle. As she fell in, the rest of us dove in after. Even Glenn followed as opposed to casting Wind as I had hoped. As we reached the bottom of our descent, we slowed, like we were falling through water. We landed in a completely empty room, with four sparkling spheres at each end, over twenty floors down.

Use fasteners to secure Tepid Description C onto Bad Fic D.

"Whoa, where are we?"

"The basement.

That's where Bardic lives!

Ozzie had another trap set up in that room. Four pit traps, Marle just activated the first one."

”Like the dumbass she is, am I right guys?”

Glenn stared up at the darkness above us, "My Wind cannot even lift us that far."

"So how do we get out?" asked Crono.

I pointed at one of the sparkles, "One of those is a Safe Sphere, another is a Teleport Sphere, and the other two are enemies disguised as Safe and/or Teleport Spheres."

"Which is it?" asked Lucca.

"Unknown. It's different every time."

Actually it's not. The one on the left is a save point, and the one on the right is a teleport. The ones on top and bottom are the monsters.

"Greeeat. So how are we supposed to get outta this one?" asked Marle.

"Simple," stated Crono, he pulled his katana out. "We fight our way out!" Just by making eye contact, we agreed that Crono, Lucca, and I, being the most experienced, would investigate three of the Spheres on our own, while Marle and Glenn would investigate the last one together. Things went smoothly. It turned out that Crono and I had the Monster Spheres, Lucca had the Safe Sphere, and Marle and Glenn had the Teleport Sphere.

You have blatantly stolen from GameFAQs in the past, I don't know why you didn't here. Don't you love directing the band?

Crono and I battled our way out of the monsters, and met back up with Lucca before we headed to the Transport Sphere. I took a small detour and opened up a couple of chests that happened to be there. I found a helmet and a potion, that was amazingly labeled "Ether." I smiled, 'Glenn's gonna need this before too long.'

He then stumbled upon another chest that contained one labeled “Lube.” It would be a long night indeed.

After we emerged at the entrance of the room, Glenn lifted us off the ground again and carried us to the other end of the hall where Ozzie was. As usual, Ozzie freaked and flew off. Glenn landed us and as we started moving, he stumbled, as if he were drunk. Marle noticed this too and looked over at him.

"What's wrong?"

"I do not know," he muttered, shaking his head. "I feel odd. As if I was spun about rapidly, as I had been when Sir Spekkio gave me my Magic."

Apparently the side effect to Frog's magic is date rape drugs.

"Side effect of using too much Magic," I said. "I was wondering what yours would be. Here, I found this in the basement." I handed him in the Ether and he drank it down quickly.

"Much better. My thanks to thee."

"No prob, let's get going." We headed through the door and found ourselves in another Gargoyle-lined hallway. Crono and I merely walked to each side and used Gallic Gun and Special Beam Cannon again.

At least he got the name right this time.

We proceeded through the rubble and found ourselves in a large room with four cranks and a throne. Ozzie was in front of the throne.

"Amazing," he said. "To think that a frog and four humans could survive the powers of the Great Magus' army of Mystics."

"Pfft. Do you really think we would lose to a bunch of idiots like you, Flea, and Slash when I happen to be from a universe were I've beaten all of you by controlling just Glenn, Lucca and Crono?”

I love that universe. That's the universe where Chrono Trigger doesn't include you. Go fuck yourself.

I know more than you could ever fathom. I know that you will be killed by a cat," I said. Ozzie blanched. "That's right. A CAT! It'll be orange with black stripes on it."
Ozzie regained his composure, "Hmph! Like I'm going to be beaten by you chumps! And a cat! Give me a break! If you think you're going to win, just try it!" He waved his hands and was covered by what appeared to be a dome of ice.

Why don't you just use your Icebane technique to melt it?

Crono prepared to attack, but I held him back. "There's only one way to beat him: the pully closest to the door, on the left when you face the door, will open a pit right beneath him. It's being held closed by an invisible hench."

It is?

Marle and Lucca took aim at said crank and both fired at once, there was a small scream and the crank suddenly began spinning. When it stopped, there was a grinding sound and the floor fell out from beneath Ozzie's shield. As it fell, Ozzie screamed: he couldn't phase through his protective shield, nor could he fly under it's weight.

Ok, but, was that Hench thing ever mentioned at all?

After we could no longer hear his screams, a Safe Sphere and a Teleport Sphere appeared. We rested up a bit and went over our inventory, putting the Potions, Midpotions, and Ethers at the top, before we headed through the Teleport Sphere.

Putting your potions at the top? Are you really trying to describe the item menu screen?

Once we emerged on a stairwell, we hightailed it to escape the Bats that were chasing us, just to save more of our energy. Entering the door at the bottom of the stairs, we found ourselves in a dark room, filled with the sounds of murmured chanting. I took a step forward and six blue flames lit up, three on either side. We continued forward and more blue flames lit. It was then that we heard Magus' voice.

"Nuega Nuega Zeiber Zom... Now the Chosen Time has come... I trade this World for..." We reached him just before he could finish his ritual.

"Lavos?" I asked. "He's too powerful for you at this time, Magus. How about you settle for us?"

How about you settle for going to hell?

The blue flames continued to light, coming to a circle around Magus. Then a large, six-armed statue carrying torches lit up. Magus turned, his blue hair sliding across his shoulders, violet eyes flashing.

That's the most physical description we've gotten of a character in this entire story. It figures it'd be for Magus.

"You made it. Excellent. I guess this means you truly wish to battle me?" he said, coldly.

"It does, foul one! Now thou shalt taste the might of the Sacred Sword, the Masamune!" cried Glenn, drawing the sword.

The original line was “I have a present for you.” It's simple and understated, but it's more badass than what you've pulled out here. I liked it better when you ripped off the game instead of pulling this fucky dialog out of your ass.

Magus' hair and cape began fluttering, in a breeze none of us could feel. "The Black Wind howls. Come to your doom, on the edge of the Dark Blade, the Murasame!" He, too drew a sword, but this one looked oddly famaliar. As he held it in the light, I gasped.

"My father's sword! I-it has become the Murasame! But, this can't be possible! The Murasame never existed in the game!"

Oh of course it is. I can't even feign surprise.

"I found this sword seven years ago, in the region of the Magic Cave. It was after that that I discovered the Magic Cave and had my castle built on the other side. Now, shall we begin?"

What was the point of giving Magus your father's evil sword.

Glenn attacked, starting with a feint that Magus attempted to block. But the Masamune danced around the Murasame and sliced a thin, red line into Magus' forearm that began to steam from the contest of magical energies.

Magus re-sheathed the sword, "I guess cannot win in a contest of swords just yet, so we'll have a battle of spells!" He cast a spell that caused a wave of heat followed by a set of explosions. "Once you've lost enough energy, the Murasame will drain your souls, making me all the stronger!"

This isn't even a “he uses a scythe in the game you're breaking canon” thing. But obviously he's no good with it, so what was the point?

"He cast Fire 2! Lucca, cast a flame spell on him!" I called. Lucca nodded and blasted him with her own Fire 2. He narrowed his eyes and cast another spell that caused electricty to permeate the air around him.

"Crono! Your turn!" Crono focused his energy and used the Kamehameha Blast on him (making me realize just how like Goku he really was). Magus seized up for a moment, electricity dancing across his body, then cast yet another spell. This time, things suddenly got really chilly, followed by a feeling of steely wetness enclosing me.

In fact, what was the point of any of this story? I can understand putting yourself in a story to hang out with your favorite characters and pretend like you have friends, but this entire thing has been “Joe does this, Joe does that. Crono and co. react accordingly.”

"I-ice t-t-t-two! M-M-Marle! D-do it!" She put her hands out in front and hummed causing a line of frost to track its way to Magus before enclosing him in a large block of ice. He shattered out and, looking more blue than normal, cast one more spell. Targeting me he blasted me with Dark Bomb, one of the weakest Shadow spells. It at least dried me off a bit after that Ice 2 he hit us with.

"Ha! Try finding a counter for that! I'm the only one in this fight who has command of the Shadows!" laughed Magus.

It's not even cool. It's IKEA literature. I can't see you getting a buzz off of writing yourself to be a big hero, when nothing you do is that impressive. It's honestly like I said before: an extremely lame DND campaign, with Bardic as the Dungeon Master and no one else playing.

"Yeah, the only one! When we work together, we can even take out the Shadow Master! Marle, Lucca, Crono! It's time for Delta Force!" The three of them created a triangle around Magus and started to cast, all at once, their second level element spells at Magus. Right in the middle of the casting, Glenn jumped overhead and cast Wind 2, making it into a whirlwind. "Or maybe we can have a Tetra Storm." The three elements of Fire, Ice, and Lightning began to mix, turning black. Magus was lifted by the cyclone's force and was zapped, frozen, and burned all at the same time.

Others use self-inserts to pair themselves up with their favorite character in order to feel like someone loves them. It's pathetic but I get it. I understand the impulse to do that. But Joe's entire love plot with Lucca has been so lukewarm, I'm not even sure how he's getting the warm fuzzies he's wanting from it.

As the storm died down, Magus floated back to the floor, smoking from the power of it. He stood up, wincing and panting from the pain. "You... leave me... no choice!"

Standing at his full height he spread his arms. "I'll cast you all into OBLIVION!" He began casting a spell that was shrouding his body in such absolute Darkness that he was barely distinguishable in the already dark room.

Even Mykan's “stress” makes sense, in a weird, totally diabolical way. But I just don't get you, Bardic Knowledge. What is the point of your story? What are you getting out of it?

"OH HELL! He's casting Dark Matter! The most powerful of all Shadow Magic!" I cried. 'We need a spell to match the power of Dark Matter. Wait, oblivion? That's what Vegeta yells for his greatest attack!

But back to business. Joe's gonna go Vegeta on Magus or something. Cool.

Why is there so much DBZ in this fic all of a sudden?

That gives me a good idea: it's time for one of the most powerful spells of all Fire Magic.' I concentrated all my Fire into something stronger than even the Chaos Flare: the all encompassing Flare spell. I was racked with pain as the flames erupting from me lifted me into the air. My vision was shifting in and out of a red tint, from all the power I was amassing. I concentrated all the energy into a ball around me, putting in so much energy that it spread out across the room. Just as the energy completed the initial wave, Magus finished casting Dark Matter. I gave a primal roar of rage and channeled all the energy into a beam of fire, changing the Flare spell's application from all enemies to a single enemy. Directing the beam into the space behind the Dark Matter, overloading Magus' spell and draining the rest of my strength. I fell to the ground and stared into Magus' eyes. "Your darkness has been banished by the power of my Final Flare." 'Though it was probably a one time deal...'

Man that sure is a lot of words. Damn how do you even make that many words, it's nuts, haha.

"Heh. Your own spell seems to have hurt you more than all of your friends' attacks have hurt me!"

Keep twisting that knife, Joe.

Suddenly, the ground began to shake. Magus looked back at the altar, the torches from the six armed statue having started to fall off. "No! Not now!"

Lucca walked up next to him, "It's Lavos isn't it?"

"Yes, you interrupted my summoning ritual. Because I thought you would never make it all the way here, I decided to summon Lavos as I had originally planned."

...Hold on. So what was your not-original plan? I can't even follow Bardic's shallow ass recreation anymore.

"Wait, summoned?" said Marle. "You mean you didn't create him?"

Magus scoffed, "Like someone could just create Lavos. No, he fell to this planet from space millenia ago, and now he's the most powerful creature on this planet."

Except for Joe, obviously.

"And yet, it is our destiny to defeat it. This party of adventurers, I mean," I stated, walking to Magus' side, opposite Lucca.

This party in particular. Because fuck Robo for some reason.

"Huh?" Suddenly, the ground shook again and a blue light emenated from the altar, as it warped in shape. No, not in shape. The statue was warped in time and space. The whole room was becoming warped in a shimmering, blue light.

"I'll explain the next time we meet. For now, by the power that brought you here, go home. And may the Prophets be with you."


A full-fledged time gate opened on one end of the room and swallowed the entirety of Magus' Castle, sending the five of us to 65,000,000 BC and Magus to 12,000 BC.

Or so I believed...

Blackened is the end/Winter it will send/
Throwing all you see/Into obscurity.

Blackened, by Metallica

not bad, but I don't like how you referenced to DBZ. Poor taste.

-A review on A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 10, by N.

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Post #11

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post Mar 6 2015, 11:05 AM
A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 11

The Two Prophets

One cup.

Shadic the Hedgehog

"Oh, Joe! Get up, you lazy bum!" called Lucca's voice. "Crono and Marle may be King and Queen now, but that doesn't mean we get to keep taking money from the Royal Treasury! Get up and find yourself a job!"

"Nnngh. The only jobs I'm suited for in this world are ones I don't want.

”But I swear, my freelance anime blog is really starting to build a readership!”

Why don't you just build some more machines and we'll sell them! I'm sure the archipelago of El Nido could use 'em," I replied, stirring in bed.

Pfft. Quit pretending you know how to pronounce “archipelago.”

There was a sudden pain in my side, and when I opened my eyes to look, I saw Lucca pulling her leg back. She had kicked me! "What the hell are you talking about, kid?" she asked, but her voice was all wrong. It sounded like...

"M-Magus?" I opened my eyes, shivering. Magus was standing over me, contempt in his eyes and covered by shadows. "What's going on?"

Apparently your dream of being married to Lucca turned into a dream about being married to Magus.

Talk about an upgrade. I'd high five you if you didn't disgust me.

"That's what I'd like to know. What were you talking about with the whole 'this world' and 'in the game' crap?" He pulled me off the ground, his eyes narrowing. "And just how the HELL did you know how to get through my shielding!"

Magus has had like two lines of dialog, and already he's demanding that Joe tell him the truth. Good for you, Magus.

"I can explain that last question by answering the first one. I come from another universe. My name's Joe. In my home Universe, this world, More accurately this adventure, is a mere game. I have, personally, beaten the game about ten times. You're one of the boss characters. I came to this world through something similar to a Time Gate, the thing we went through to reach now, something I call the Universe Gate. Unfortunately, the third time I traveled through the Gate, it sealed itself, barring me from my friends and family. Oh, and if you're wondering when we are, I'd say we're in the year 12,000 BC."

"And why should I care about that?" Magus turned his back to me and scoffed.

Joe: You're a boss character in a video game.

Magus: Shut the hell up, nerd.

It's an improvement?

"Fine, let me rephrase: Welcome to your home Era, Prince Janus Zeal." I bowed as he gasped and spun around. I looked up and grinned insanely before straightening up.
"I'd just like to mention: you were always my favorite character. I always chose to have you on my team. My party never fought you, except in your castle."

Magus is everyone's favorite character, which is why I'm sure the brain dead commenters on FF.Net loved this “plot twist.”

"And what was that you said earlier, about it being your destiny to defeat Lavos?"

"He was the Final Boss of the game. Seven people from across the space/time spectrum gathered together to defeat Lavos. Three from the year AD 1000, and one from the year AD 2300 got together at the start to keep Lavos from destroying the world in the year AD 1999. Later, they were joined by the transformed knight Glenn, called Frog, in the year AD 600. Next in the party, was the prehistoric chieftan Ayla of 65 milliion BC; and finally, there was the optional character, you could kill him or have him join the party. He was out for revenge, Lavos having ruined his life. His name was Magus. Only three of them could travel to fight Lavos, but that was merely game mechanics. In this adventure, it'll be all eight of us fighting Lavos together.”

”Except Robo.”

“Together, all of us will save the world, and your revenge shall be complete."

"Amazing, so that's what you meant by destiny. And what about that 'Prophets walk with you' comment?"

"In the game, you pose as a Prophet in the Kingdom of Zeal, due to you having lived these events. The 'walk with you' was an obscure reference to Star Trek: Deep Space Nine."

I'm sure Magus knows what that is.

"Hmm. And the until we meet again?"

"There's a four person limit in time travel. There were six of us. In the game, sorry to keep saying that, it was a three person limit and the main party was sent to 65,000,000 BC. I believed I would be sent with the other four guys in the party." 'I wonder how they're reacting to my absence?'

I'd imagine they've all starved to death because they forgot how to eat. Except Frog: he's just moping because he doesn't know who to fly around

"Well, if we're going to survive, we're going to need a fire," Magus sat against the wall across from me. I looked around the cave and spotted some wood that looked like it was from some ornate banister.

I'd like to think that Magus making Joe explain everything about every dumb thing he says would make Bardic read through that part of the story and realize how terrible he is. But I guess not, judging by the 17 or so more chapters there are.

"Can't you light the fire?"

"My magic is running on empty. If I could have done it, I would have an hour ago. But, I can barely see."

"So that's your side effect, besides being hard to see."

I don't know how that makes sense.

I pointed my hand at the pile of stair rails and concentrated. From my red, burnt skin burst a small ray of fire that insantly lit the wood. "I get burned, as if by the sun. I'm nearly out."

"All from that 'Final Flare' spell, right?"

"Yeah." I sat down and heared a small clink in my jacket. "Eh?" I looked in and pulled out a small potion bottle. "Hawh... (A/N: some sort of gutteral gasp) An Elixir!"

Hawh! An utter convenience!

"What!" Magus looked over at me. "Where did you find that?"

"Er, in my pocket. Here, you need it more than I do. Can't have you unable to see or be seen." I walked over to Magus and put it in his hand. "What could a blind Prophet predict? Besides, we REALLY roasted your butt." He grimaced and gulped down the Elixir. Instantly, all the burn marks on his skin vanished and he returned to his normal paleness.

Oh, I see. In addition to going blind, Magus' powers also turn him into a black guy.

That sounds awful when you say it out loud.

After I returned to my side of the fire, I thought I heard him say, "Thank you." But it was said so quietly, the voice must have been a trick of my ears. I stretched and leaned up against the cave wall. I gasped in pain as my horribly burnt skin rubbed against my shirt.

"Here." I looked up and Magus was holding a bottle of Mid Ether. "I barely hurt you, so this should help with your pain."

"Thank you, m'lord." *tips fedora* I drank it down, and saw the red on my skin change to my normal colouring. I shook his hand and said. "We should get some sleep. In the morning we'll head to Zeal and take up Prophetic residence there."

Magus returned to his side of the cave, putting another piece of wood on the fire along the way. As he lay down to sleep, he said, "just call me Magus."

It's weird seeing a character in this fic that isn't constantly dumbfounded and that Joe let's speak. I'm sure that's going to change for the worst soon enough, but damn it's refreshing.

When the sun rose the next morning, Magus kicked me awake and we set out for the Sky Gate (A/N: I think that's what it was called). Just before we got on the transport pad, Magus tossed me a cloak and one of two large hats he pulled from his own "Bag of Holding." After he handed me one, I had to ask.

"Why do you even have these?"

"There were some things I couldn't even trust Ozzie, Slash, or Flea to buy. The hats were a disguise. If one got ruined, I would have used the other."

Ok, but why did you have those. You were kind of the ubermensch of the time period.

"And the giant eye just above the brim?"

"Armies do cost money you know. I put myself up as a fortune teller and predicted my own attacks."

Your army is just a bunch of monsters and undead things though. They can't exactly use money, for the same reason you needed a “disguise,” so you don't have to pay them.

I put the stuff on over my clothes, pulling my shades down from my hair, and I lowered my voice. "Hm. So you have practice at this prophet thing. I suppose you can disguise yourself beyond appearence."

Magus put on his hat and said, "Of course I can. I didn't want my own spys to recognize my voice." He was pretty good, his voice sounded higher, much colder and aloof.

"Then shall we find an audience with your mother?"

Oh shit son, Joe's taking jabs at Magus' momma.

"She's not my mother. My mother was destroyed by Lavos and turned into something different. Something evil."

”She started speaking in tongues and wouldn't let me listen to my Coldplay albums anymore.”

I smiled knowingly under the cloak's collar and we stepped onto the transport pad. In a flash of purple light, we were suddenly standing on an elevated platform in the middle of a grassy field. We stepped off the platform and headed for the nearest city. Along the way we agreed, still using our disguised voices, that Magus would be the Master Prophet, and I would be his apprentice.

I could give Joe some credit in showing some humility here, but I'm not convinced that it's not totally because he wants to be anally serviced by Magus.

Thusly, he would be making the majority of "prophecies" then I would make a few after Crono and the rest showed up. The main variable would be as to which of the team members besides Crono and Ayla would show up, but Magus said he remembered who they were.

He's not gonna tell you though because bam; shoe's on the other foot, bitch!

We headed for the nearest city, I think its name was Kajar,

Nope, Enhasa. See how easy it is to use Google?

and we walked around, activating the secret door. I muttered the order of the books under my breath, "Water turns to Wind, Wind makes Fire dance." then I completed the circle in my mind with 'Fire boils Water.' After the door opened behind the bookcase, we entered the room. Within was a small Poyozo doll containing a shining black stone. After we left the room, we had people crowd around us asking how we knew of the room. Magus explained that we were Prophets and it was ordained that we would need the Black Stone, and were shown visions of its whereabouts.

”And then Sephiroth came out and high fived me and told me my plan was awesome.”

We were asked for more visions and Magus obliged, telling them what he could remember of his days in the city. After we got enough praise, they sent word to the palace about our amazing skills, or rather about the Master Prophet and his apprentice with the "black eyes."

I guess Joe became prone to falling down stairs anytime he got on Magus' nerves.

About two days later, a messenger from the Queen arrived. When we left the room, I gasped softly, 'Crap! It's Dalton!' Sure enough, the cyclops had come to see us "make predictions".

"So, I hear you two are able to predict the future!" He said loudly. As if he was trying to blow some sort of cover. "Why don't you tell me what's going to happen next?"

I'm sure Joe would love to.

Magus nodded and said in his false voice, "I cannot tell the exact future. However, in a few moments there will be a loud noise, followed by a great mess caused by a child." Sure enough, at the end of the sentence there was a loud, yowling noise coming from our right, and a purple kitten ran out of a nearby room, with soap bubbles on her. Then the young Prince Janus came running out after Alfador, smashing into things along the way, and I noticed that his fingers were covered in small scratches.

Eventually, he caught Alfador and returned to his room to continue the cat's bath.

If there's one thing I can't accuse Bardic Knowledge of doing, it's describing things too vividly.

Dalton gaped for a couple moments before he turned back to us. "Fine, you've proven your point. Come with me to the castle, Queen Zeal shall want to see your amazing abilities." Instead of taking the Sky/Earth Gates a couple more times, we got in something that looked like the Epoch with no wings, and it turned out to be a hovercraft.

We "flew" over to the Palace and disembarked, our cloaks fluttering in the wind.

Not really a stickler for spoilers, but why on earth would you reference something that hasn't shown up in your story yet? No non-CT fans will know
what you're talking about, and avid CT fans are probably playing the game and not reading this.

As we entered, Magus and I ran into Schala. She smiled and waved at us before she headed out the door and got into the Hover, and headed in the direction of Kajar.

Joe was obviously heartbroken that he didn't get the change to tell the m'lady that she was a classy and sophisticated babe.

Dalton led us to the Throne Room at the back of the Palace, for our audience with the Queen. Magus and I vaguely outlined the journey of Crono's party up the part where we banished them back to where they came.

”There was this old wizard Magus right? And I totally kicked his ass—oh wait nevermind.”

It was at this point that I learned that Lucca and Glenn were the ones that were traveling with Crono and Ayla (Magus described them as "an amphibious man and a bespectacled lady").

Queen Zeal said, "Dalton, have a Nu set them up with quarters. We shall see if these Prophets are what they say. Return as soon as you finish, we need to discuss the construction of the Undersea Palace." She waved us away and Dalton handed us off to the nearest Nu, and then he went back to the Throne Room. Our quarters were like those from a hotel. they were two rooms, side-by-side, with a set of doors in between. Magus went on walks often, looking around at a world he had left behind.

Joe stayed in his room reading manga and dreaming that one day Magus-senpai would crash through their connected door and profess his kawaii love~!

I went on walks, too. Bigger ones than Magus, exploring the whole of the floating Islands. Since Magus' predictions made us famous, I had to insist I pay as much as any citizen of Zeal when I got meals.

And he had a lot of them.

I also bought a new Crystal Sword, the Slasher not being my style. I kept it on the wall of my quarters (I planned to give it to Crono later). Eventually, I caught Dalton and asked him where I could find a place to train.

"Train? What are you talking about?" he scoffed.

"I'm a swordsman, as well as a prophet-in-training. I need to keep my skills up," I drew my sword and showed it to him. "I also have a new sword to get used to."

As opposed to every other sword you've used up to this point.

"Heh, just follow me. I'll show you the perfect place." He led me out to a small island behind the Palace, barely connected to the mainland by a bridge. "This is our battle platform. Ask for any opponent, and the platform will provide."

"I'm from a rather far-off place. What if the opponent isn't in the platform's database?"

”See, there's this kid at my school named Ryan who keeps making fun of me for wearing neko-ears to class every day and I want to teach him a lesson.”

"It draws from your imagination. So if you can think of it, you can fight it."

I smiled and handed Dalton my cloak and hat. "Then I'm gonna fight Lord Sephiroth, the strongest fictional character ever."

Dunno whether it's funnier that he actually decided to squeeze Sephiroth into his Chrono Trigger fanfiction, or that he called the weakest final boss in a Final Fantasy game the strongest fictional character ever.

The island pulsed physically under my feet. Dalton stepped off the other side of the bridge and pushed a button, withdrawing it. There was a bright light in front of my eyes as Sephiroth descended out of the sky. I drew my sword at the same time as Sephiroth, his dire katana twice as long as my sword.

So he can't just overblow a fight from a strategy guide for this fight. This oughta be interesting.
I charged and Sephiroth blocked my sword, jumping off to the side and bringing his Masamune around to strike at my back. I backflipped over it and swung at his neck, making Sephiroth duck.

I understand that Sephiroth's sword was called the Masamune in FF7, but it's probably not a good idea to refer to it as that in a game where a sword named “Masamune” is a pretty big plot point.

He swung upwards, dragging the blade on the island for a little while. I slid to my left and stabbed at his side. He jumped and landed back-to-back with me. Then I heard him whisper, "Ah-mourn" or something like that, causing three pillars of fire to rise up around him.

Ok, this is based off of the Sephiroth in Kingdom Hearts. The one without any character.

Also, how is this training you to use a sword again?

I got caught between two pillars, but because of my own magic, the flames didn't harm me. Sephiroth turned around and frowned. I grinned and breathed fire at him, by way of my modified Purification. He blocked with his arm and grimaced in pain as the clothing was ill suited for such high temperatures.
Sephiroth jumped back to the edge of the island and started waving his hands in a mystical way, leaving glowing trails. As he did so, he said, "Sin Harvester" and I noticed a red glow coming from above me and within me, when I looked up I noticed the red glow was in the shape of a halo. I looked back at Sephiroth and saw him complete the spell, causing me extreme pain. My skin suddenly turned crispy, as if I had used all my magic at once, and my vision was fading in and out of bright, furious RED.


I shakily reached into my pocket and pulled out a bottle of blue liquid, as I watched Sephiroth approach me. I drank the Mid-Ether quickly, my skin clearing up. I was still seeing in furious RED, as if it was connected to my physical pain.

Well it was, because Sin Harvester takes you down to 1 HP.

I quickly dismissed it and focused my magic into a ball of fire in front of my right hand, after passing my sword to my left hand. I floated into the air and cried out,

"Welcome to MY Big Bang Attack!"

It was a retarded line in the original, and you're just as retarded for quoting it.

I blasted the fireball at Sephiroth who caught it on the side of his Masamune. I rose even higher, actually hovering ten feet above the ground.

Wait a minute...

Motherfucker, since when can you fly?!

Sephiroth's guard was focused on keeping my fireball away from his body, so I decided to split his attention. I created another fireball and threw at his head, yelling,
"Welcome to Oblivion!" He gasped, genuinely surprised at my strength of magic and my tactics.

I'm sure Lao Tzu would be amazed by your skilled tactic of “shoot two things at once.”

Unfortunately, my power was so great that the double explosion of the fireballs broke the battle platform into many little fragments.

I hate when you're just too powerful and accidentally blow up floating islands. It becomes a drag after a while.

Sephiroth survived my attack, however, and grew wings. Six shimmering, white wings, and one glittering, dark wing. I don't quite remember how, but since I was flying, too, we started an ariel battle.

Yeah, explain the flying shit to me. Is this part of your dragon god powers or are you just deciding that if DBZ did it then you can?

I spun at him, head first, with my sword out, slicing vertically. Sephiroth dodged right and sliced down, but just as my sword came around. I unfolded and turned my sword, pushing along his Masamune towards his body. He quickly flew upwards to avoid the Crystal Blade. I blasted fire at him, but he blocked with a dark shield. Sephiroth blasted me with spheres of dark energy, knocking me towards the mainland. We traded sword strikes, each of us blocking the other's attacks until finally, he not only sliced at me but kicked at me, too. I coughed up blood, staining my red shirt even darker.

Are you not impressed by his use of the brilliant “kicking a guy” tactic?

I flew back over the mainland, leading Sephiroth on. He sliced at me again, and when I blocked, he kicked with his other leg. That's when I blocked with my tail. 'Wait, tail?' I glanced down at the new serpent's tail of fire growing out of my butt. In my moment of sudden weakness, Sephiroth hit me on the head with the hilt of his sword.

Ok, so the tail is what alerted you to your dragon powers acting up?

I woke up in my quarters, Magus standing over me. "You IDIOT! What the hell did you go and break the battle platform for!"

Magus, I don't care how angry you are that Joe broke what had to be very technologically advanced magical equipment, post-position prepositions are for jokers.

"I didn't mean to..." I gasped. My voice was raspy, a side effect of my Fire Breath. "I thought it would be stronger than that. I mean, don't Zealian soldiers train there?"

"They don't have magic as strong as ours. And that's because they don't usually have battles!" He pulled me out of the bed. "And just was that beast you created?"

A supervillain that spends most of his game whining about his heritage and making out with his alien “mother.” Pretty overhyped character, if you ask me.

"That was Sephiroth, greatest villain in all of the fictional world." I pulled my coat out of his hands. "His power exceeds that of three Lavoses. By the way, what happened to him?"

Case in point.

"Once you fell unconsious, he vanished. Your 'Sephiroth' was an amazing sight, or so Dalton says."

"He was watching? That's just peachy. Now he knows about my Big Bang Attack and my Fire Breath move. They'll be useless when we fight."

It's a shame you don't have every other fucking DBZ/Final Fantasy/MLP move at your disposal.

"When you fight? Dalton gets killed?"

"Actually, he banishes himself to the realm his Golems live in. Unintentionally, I might add."

"Hm, in any case, I had to clean out your money pouch to pay for the damage. Your friends have arrived in Kajar by now. In fact, you've been out of commision for two days straight."

"Damn, Lord Sephi certainly packs a whallop.

You heterosexual fag.

“I suppose we should prepare for their arrival at the Palace." I turned around and put on my prophet ensemble, complete with shades. I lowered my voice. "Did you predict the death of one of them?"


"The whole 'Black Wind howls' thing?" He gained a look of understanding and nodded. "Yeah, he might end up dying, but he'll come back soon enough. In any case, I shall make my formal apology to the Queen. Then our friends will meet the Prophets of Doom. Master," I nodded to Magus, "and Apprentice." I gestured to myself. We laughed in our false voices, in an evil sort of way.

Well that made my stomach turn.

Until the Nu outside peeked in and shushed us.

"Black, white, magic is only magic. It is the way that it is used that makes it good or evil."

-Tarreiz, The Seventh Mage

This is a reference to another CT fanfic. He's literally run out of literature inspiration.

I suppose I can give the devil his due; Bardic seems halfway competent at writing action sequences despite the fact that all they're meant to do is make him look cool.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Jun 10 2015, 06:49 PM

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Post #12

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post Mar 11 2015, 07:30 AM
Today is the 20th Anniversary of Chrono Trigger. Let's celebrate by returning to our old friend, Joe the Hedgehog, and bash our heads against hard objects.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 12

The Magic Kingdom

Shadic the Hedgehog

"I apologize most profusely, Your Highness," I bowed in feigned reverence. "I was unaware that your battle platform could not take such strain. Also, it appears that due to our extensive travel my Master and I have become stronger without our knowing." I grinned under my collar.

You smug pretentious bastard. That's adorable.

'Otherwise I wouldn't have lasted that long against Sephiroth.' , then I frowned. 'But where did that tail come from? And how was I flying?'

"I accept your apology, and your fines have already been put to good use," Queen Zeal waved her hand dismissively. "Although, I must ask if you could train my soldiers to fight as well as you?"

I don't know, must you ask it? Must you ask if Bardic Knowledge can train you're entire military because he's such a good tactics?

"I would have to speak with my Master on that matter, but since I am sure they couldn't withstand even the troublemakers that are approaching, I will check on that immediately and get back to you."

"Very good. Oh, and could you get Schala here for me? She should be with her brother at the moment."

"Of course, M'lady." I bowed out of the Throne Room and encountered Magus, waiting for me.

Stop tipping your fedora and feeding into every stereotype I implied about you.

"The Queen's got my money working on the Undersea Palace, I think, and she wants me to train the Zealian soldiers in combat."

"Heh! That doesn't surprise me, after Dalton saw your display of Fire Magic. Are you ready to insult and betray your friends?"

Gee, I wonder if Joe is ready to do something morally unscrupulous in order to keep living in his fantasy? I don't know, that doesn't seem like something Joe would do.

"Err, something like that. I was a pretty good actor on my world, not that I was famous or anything. Oh, and the Queen instructed me to get Schala. Where are you and her right now? I forgot."

Things we know about Joe's life in the real world: owned a car, smashed his head into walls, was an “actor.”

"I think we're-" Magus stopped talking as we saw Crono, Ayla, Lucca, and Glenn enter some room off to the side. "-in there..." He finished. "You better hurry, I'll meet you in the Throne Room."

I notice that they're not using the cheesing method they used to have five people attack Magus' castle. Bardic Knowledge just really hates Robo for some reason.

"Right." I followed the group into the bedroom and walked up to Schala. "The Queen requests your presence." I used my lower, prophet's voice.

"Oh, all right," Schala said to me. Then she turned back to Janus, "I have to go, Mother's calling."

Janus grumped, "She's not our Mother. She's become something else. Something Evil."

Yay! We're back to stealing!

Schala giggled lightly, "Well, in any case, I have to go. Take care." She walked over to me and we started out of the room, when Schala spotted Crono and the rest, I stopped next to Lucca, and looked into her eyes through my shades.

She looked... worried, almost frantic. But when she glanced at my shades she looked puzzled, then her eyes widened. Schala was asking who the team was, but I was forced to interrupt, "Miss Schala, we must hurry." Schala giggled a little and agreed and we left the room.

Schala in the original always came across as a kind of morose and anxious person, but reading Bardick's story, you'd get the impression she was a bubble-headed dope.

I "led" her to the Throne Room, making sure that Crono and the gang followed. But I moved a little faster when I saw Lucca watching me inquisitively. Schala opened the door with her pendant and we stepped through, the door closing quickly behind us. I walked over to Magus as we waited for the team to enter.

"You're fidgeting," Magus noted. "Something happen?"

"I think Lucca recognized me," I whispered back. "Not sure how, since my shades are only one-way."

As shades generally are.

Just then the front door of the Throne Room slid up, Crono holding out a glowing, red pendent. Crono and the rest entered, one by one, interrupting Schala and the
Queen. Schala moved to the left of the Throne, Dalton being on the right.

This is the most orderly raid I've ever seen.

"These are the troublemakers we warned you about. They are here to stop the Undersea Palace project," Magus said, in his own prophet's voice.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Crono. "We're not here to stop anything except Lavos."

"You see?" I affirmed. "They want to stop you from giving your people the Eternal Life they deserve. The life only Lavos can give them."

”Also I heard them say that you guys were nerds.”

"Eternal Life! Lavos only brings death and destruction!" cried Lucca. "Getting closer to it will only cause suffering!"

"You know nothing," Dalton said. "The Great Lavos grants us our greatest wishes. He gave us Magic, powers the engines that keeps our Kingdom in the air, and even lengthened our lifespans!"

"But thy people lie about and do nothing," protested Glenn. "They are weak and thou art doing nothing to make them stronger. This is a most grievous problem, and the only solution is to remove their dependence on Lavos!"

And the name of this society?

removes shades


"If words will not open your eyes, then we'll have to use force," Queen Zeal announced. "Dalton, take them down."

Dalton nodded and made mystical signs with his hands.

Wow, what a coincidence, I am also making a mystic sign with my hands!

A black sphere appeared in the middle of the room, and a thing that looked like an upside-down ice cream cone made out of rocks with arms floated out.

Ayla walked up to the thing and patted its idiotic face, "What this? Ayla confused."

”Ayla not know much because Ayla go to short-bus school.”

"It's a Golem, Dalton's specialty," I explained, still using my prophet's voice. "Your strengths are it's strengths."

The Queen waved her hand and a nearly transparent dome surrounded the party and the Golem. Crono drew his sword and attacked with his Confusion tech: running circles around the Golem, slicing it's sides. When he stoped moving, the Golem inhaled and spit a iron ball at him. As it flew, Ayla jumped in the air and kicked it away.

She then spun around until the iron ball broke apart and mixed with some chunks of floor that had lifted out, seemingly of their own accord.

The fuck? Why are you just now breaking with the core game mechanics? This would have been an insanely useful thing to do a while ago instead of ripping off GameFAQs for 11 chapters!

Glenn began chanting and wind levitated the sphere of stone and metal. It was lifted to the ceiling and Crono finished his own spellcasting hitting the rock with a bolt of lightning from his right hand. It was absorbed by the bits of metal. Lucca added a halo of fire around the center of the rock sphere, which spread until it covered the entire surface, making the stone glow red. Glenn used the wind to toss the rock. When it hit the Golem, the stone and metal melted across the surface of the creature, the electrcity in the metal shocking the Golem. The Golem suddenly belched, filling the dome with an odd, grey gas. After a few seconds, the Golem disintegrated, making the melting stone flow back into the holes it had originally come from.

It's amazing how the main cast not only functioned well as a group without Joe, but managed to do it without inanely referencing every other piece of pop fiction that outcast teens love. The idea of a “novelization” is moronic, but this should have been the focus the entire time.

"Well, I wasn't expecting that. Apparently, Ayla has Earth Magic. She didn't in the game," I whispered to Magus.

"Then you're not much of a prophet are you?" he whispered back.


I elbowed him discreetly, smiling. "I'm only an apprentice."

The shield Queen Zeal had put up lowered. Queen Zeal said, "You're stronger than I expected. Fine, let us see how you fare against our newest and strongest fighters.

The self-proclaimed Prophets of Doom!" and she pointed at me and Magus.

Why yes, I do feel that going through the trouble of photoshopping another reference to the LoD was a good usage of my time, thank you for asking.

"The Nu must've told her our new title," I whispered. Then I spoke to the team, "The Black Wind is but one source that states of your loss. Let us fight." I drew my sword and Magus pulled out his scythe as we approached the party.

"Right, like we're going to lose to the likes of you!" Lucca exclaimed.

Ah, poor Lucca. Had the gall to challenge the Mary Sue.

"I know what you can do, I've seen it before!" I charged Ayla, in order to get rid of the wild card.

That sounded kind of intently violent. You're probably not supposed to actually hurt them, you know.

I swung the blade diagonally and she jumped, sending me towards Crono. He swung at me and I changed the position of my sword to block his attack. I saw it was the same one he had when we fought Magus

"I have another sword for you," I taunted. "It's right... HERE!" I reached back with my other hand and pulled out the Slasher, stopping short of cutting his neck.

What the fuck, dude? This whole thing's supposed to be a ruse isn't it?

He jumped back in surprise and took another stance. "What, are you afraid? You should be!" I jumped into the air just as Ayla was about to hit me with a jump kick, and she continued onward, kicking a surprised Crono in the head, accidentally knocking him out.

Goddamn, you're a terrible friend.

She turned around and jumped at me again. I stopped her attack with the Slasher, and, after she landed back on the ground, I tossed the sword aside, explaining I was no good at twin blading (Heck, I'm still not very good).

No, I have no patience for your blatant lies about having any real life skill with a sword, Bardick. Explain this shit.

I jumped into the air and landed next to Magus, who had just knocked out Glenn with the back end of his scythe.

See that makes sense; Magus hates Frog. You going around trying to stab and knock out your friends doesn't!

"Let's switch dance partners," Magus muttered. I nodded and walked towards Lucca. Lucca reacted by throwing a bomb at me. I swung my sword and hit the bomb with the flat of my blade, in an attempt to knock it back. But when it hit, I noticed the fuse was gone. It blew up in my face, knocking off my hat and destroying the clasp on my cloak, causing that to fall off as well.

"I thought so," said Lucca. "I thought it was you when I saw the sunglasses! I knew only one person in the time/space continuum could have those glasses. Why are you fighting us!"

Great fucking question. Better question: Why did you throw a fucking bomb in his face knowing it was him?

"Because I have to. I'm sorry." I replied, dropping the act. I ran forward at full speed, putting my sword at my side, as if to slice with it. But, instead I dropped it and slammed her head with mine, knocking us both out.

Something something bashes head, you suck dick.

Everything I heard later was fuzzy, as if I was only half awake.

"What is the meaning of this?" yelled Queen Zeal's voice.

"It appears my so-called 'apprentice' was once a part of this group of troublemakers," said the cold voice of The Prophet.

"Not a very good Prophet, then, are you?" laughed Dalton's voice.

I'm sure if Magus wanted his own comeback he'd wipe it off your chin, Dalton.

"I only do the future, I cannot see the past." Had I been concious, I would have smiled: Magus was keeping to our idea of how I was going rejoin the group. I was going to "betray" him and rejoin them by running through the gate after them, this just meant he would have to extend the betrayer thing a little bit further. Something picked me up, just before I became completely unconcious, and carried me.

In the original, regardless of whether or not you get your shit pushed in by the Golem, your party is trapped and exiled. Joe could have at any time dropped the Prophet act and joined them, but instead chose to fight them out because of his fantasy life with Magus.

I woke up later, though I am unsure to this day as of how long it was, to the sight of Schala and Janus, the latter keeping a lookout. Schala handed me my sword, which I immediately sheathed. And when Crono awoke she handed him the Slasher which he exchanged with his other sword.

"I have something to ask of you," Schala said, as soon as the rest of the team was awakened. "Could you stop my mother?"

"If it has anything to do with Lavos, we'll do it," Crono said, stepping in front of me.

I am slightly less constantly aggravated with this new direction of Joe not being the center of everything.

"Then it's too bad that I can't allow you to interfere," Magus, as the Prophet, entered the room, gently pushing himself, AKA Janus, aside. "Now then, show me how you got here or the Princess will die." He pointed his hand at Schala and it glowed black.

So Magus knows that the crew is trying to stop Lavos. None of his actions from this point forward will make sense in light of that. And I shall accept that.

Crono threw an arm aside, stopping Ayla and Lucca from doing anything. "Fine, just follow us." I stayed at the back of the group as Crono led the way to the Time Gate in the cave. It was the same one that Magus and I had spent the night in after that first major battle.

"I see. After they go through, it will be up to you, Princess, to seal their gateway." Lucca opened the Time Gate and we all stepped through. Then "the Prophet" faced me,

"Don't you dare show your face around here again, traitor. To think I started teaching you the power of Prophecy only to have you join the people trying to stop the Great Lavos." This was a rehearsed speech, but it seemed to have more bite than it should have for something so rehearsed.

Awwww, did Magus say something that shattered your illusion of being BFFs?

The Gate closed and we were sent through the whirl of blue and purple, emerging in the crater in 65 million BC, the spot where Lavos fell.

Crono and the group walked forward a ways, I was still trailing, and stopped, turning to face me. I kept walking 'til I was in the middle of the group.

"I'm sorry guys," I said, looking down. "I didn't want to fight you, but I didn't know the Queen would have me and the Prophet do that. I was only trying to keep my cover!"

”Sorry I tried to beat the shit out of you guys, I was only doing it because I wanted to look cool in front of Magus.”

"Look at me," spat Crono. I looked up and into his eyes. He was glaring at me, hatred in his eyes and the rest of his face. He pulled back his fist and slugged me right in the jaw.

And for once they're finally not taking his shit.


I stumbled over to Ayla, who kicked me in the shoulder.


I turned around and walked up to Lucca, who was looking about as pissed as Crono, and she backhanded me.


I moved to Glenn, dropping to my knees in case he wanted to hit me, too.

Best chapter!

"Rise, Joe. I believe thou hath suffered enough for the trouble thy absence gave us," Glenn said. Suddenly, I felt a pair of arms around my shoulders.

"You had us all so worried, myself especially," said Lucca. I felt warm spots of water land on the back of my neck.

Oh. This isn't anger at him trying to maim you. It's anime butthurt for him not time traveling with you. Great.

"Ayla console friends for two days before friends start search for Joe. It not until Laruba Village burn that they stop searching!" Ayla laughed, then reconsidered, deciding that the burning village wasn't something to laugh about.

No, I'm sure it was hilarious. I'm still very displeased with this turn of events.

Crono kneeled next to Glenn and looked into my eyes, "When we didn't see you or Magus when we woke up, we thought that whenever you had shown up at, Magus would have killed you with your father's sword. It was difficult enough going through that, let alone the Tyrano Fortress." I felt Lucca's warmth move off my back and her feet appeared next to Crono, and Ayla's next to Glenn. Crono held out his hand. "Now, let's get you back to the End of Time. Marle and Robo are worried about you, too."

Hey remember when Joe knocked Lucca unconscious and almost killed Crono so his “cover” wouldn't be blown?

I took his hand and he helped pick me up, leading us back to the Pterodactyls. The trouble was: there were only four, and Kino was still there waiting. After exchanging pleasentries, we tried to figure out who I was going to sit with, finally going with Lucca. We flew back to the Mystic Mountains, dropping off Kino at Ioka along the way, and we jumped into the Time Gate (The only reason we didn't use the crater Gate was because it was covered with a pinkish-purple pyramid).

"Necg pek, feh pek." (Risk big, win big)

-Cid, Final Fantasy X

Welp. Back to the status quo. No more independent thoughts or actions by the characters people actually like. It's just Joe 24/7 here at A Step Onto Cronos. Happy Birthday, Chrono Trigger!

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Post #13

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post Mar 28 2015, 06:17 AM
A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 13

Wingless Time

Shadic the Hedgehog

Upon returning to the End of Time, I explained my story to Marle, Robo, and the rest. With a few modifications, like: "I'm not sure what happened to Magus, but when I met the Prophet, I remembered his role in the game and joined up with him." That sort of thing.

So you're lying to them. Again. Right after they forgave you for almost killing them. You piece of shit.

In any case, after I detailed the fight between Magus, myself, and the rest of the party, Marle hit me on top of the head, causing Ayla to hit me hard on the back, thinking it was some sort of game.

Why is Ayla retarded in this fic? I get the caveman talk, but she was otherwise at least normally intelligent in the original.

I complained, "This just isn't my day..." and we all had a big laugh.

Hahahahahaha, he just beat the shit out of your friends, how droll!

I took a small rest and when I woke up, we discussed plans to fight Lavos. I told them that Lavos' weakest moments would be as close to the year 65 million BC as we could get.

"That would be 12,000 BC. But the Gate was locked, so how art we supposed to return?" asked Glenn.

You could literally fight him right then and there and it would make no difference.

"A device called the Epoch. It's a time machine that should be able to bypass any restriction on Gate travel," I explained.

"Is that true? Then where is this machine?" wondered Robo.

Hey! Robo's back. I'm sure he'll make a big impact on the plot this time!

"Your time, actually. It was being built in the place called Keeper's Dome."

"Who could be constructing this?"

"Well, let's see. The Guru of Life makes deadly weapons, the Guru of Time is living out of time, and the Guru of Reason has gone mad. Without reason, it's pretty easy to think you can build something to break the boundries of time and space. Belthasar finished the project, at about the same time as when he died. He's still there, though: he implanted his mind in a robotic version of a Nu."

It's a good thing your readers know who the Guru of Reason was or what any of those titles have to do with the plot because you've done a shitty job of relating anything in this story to the original.

"Fascinating. I have a map of the sewer system that leads to Keeper's Dome in my databanks, perhaps together we can get to this 'Epoch.'"

"Yeah, good idea. Who else should come?"

"How about Marle and..." Crono looked around. "Glenn. The two of them should be able to help with healing, and because you're all pretty powerful, the mutants shouldn't
be much of a problem. Just be sure you come back for me before you go to fight Lavos. I wanna take a crack at that damn beast."

I'm not really sure who's going or supposed to be speaking in this paragraph.

We all nodded and headed off to the Pillar Room, stepping into the one with the plate stating, "Proto Dome, AD 2300," and activating the Gate Key. We shot off into the murky darkness, traveling through the time stream to the place and time where we found Robo. After arriving at the other end of the Gateway, we immediately headed off to Lab 32, where we found Jonny and the other robots racing with the Aeon, my old car.

"Hey! Jonny! How ya been?" I asked. "I see you refueled my car!"

"Oh, I did way, WAY more than that, sonny! I boosted the whole dang system and turned it into a robot! Uh huh." Jonny laughed. "Right after that, it started to request even more upgrades, and now it's a super, duper, evil-fightin' machine!"

Jonny turned his car into a mecha. Glorious.

"Really, now? You were able to take my primitive tech and turn it into something cool?"

The car drove up to me and nudged my leg, " 2 n07 j002 73ch 4n//\/\023, d00d! i \/\/45 13373d 4nd 8310n6 70 /\/\/531f! i 2 62473fu1 7h0u6h. i 2 62473fu1 7h47 j00
820u6h7 /\/\3 h323!"

Oh no. Please don't do this, Bardic. I implore you to reconsider.

I looked down and blinked. My old, beat up Ford was talking in 1337-speak (which was very difficult to understand when spoken), and it's headlights were blinking like eyes and were even swiveling up to look at me.

"Well, that's certainly interesting," I patted the hood and it revved, almost indignant. "Oh, sorry. I forgot that you were sentient for a moment. Well, you said you were grateful that I brought you here, and I must say that I am, too. You were certainly a big help on the way here, carrying us and all."

"n07hin6 70 i7! 4f732 411, i \/\/45n'7 4\/\/423 47 7h3 7/\/\3. \/\/h47 j00 d0in6 84ck h323?"

Am I reading fucking Megatokyo?

After Robo and I translated the car's new language, Robo replied, "We are on our way to Keeper's Dome just south of here, where we are hoping to procure a time machine."

Robo: We are going to need one if we hope to find anyone who thinks leet speak is cool.

"4 7i/\/\3 /\/\4(hin3? 7h47 50und5 1337! \/\/4n7 /\/\3 70 6i\/3 j00 4 1if7?"

"...Why not? Just get us to the sewers, we will go to Keeper's Dome from there."

"n0, n0, i in5i57. i'11 74k3 j00 7h3 \/\/h013 \/\/4/!"

j03 15 4 hu63 fuck1n6 r374rd

Robo's eyes blinked a few times, "Thank you! Would you like payment for your trouble?"

"i7'5 n0 720u813 47 411! i7'5 ju57 50 u832 1337 70 533 j00! \/\/007!one!11111!one1one!"

...Alright, let me try to date this chapter. The earliest review was on December 17th, 2005, so it had to have been earlier than that. No, that doesn't excuse this.

Well, we piled in and the car hovered in a circle before it took off across the Labs. As soon as it left the Labs, it rocketed towards the island, Robo giving it advice along the way with an ethernet hook-up. We made it across the sea in less than four hours, which would normally have taken us about six days.

The Aeon dropped me off at the entrance and I thanked it in 1337, "d00d! u 2 50 f234kin 1337!1!1"

He must be using a generator, because I don't know why that would translate to “thank you.”

"j00 2 50 \/\/31c0/\/\3!one1one!" The Aeon honked twice and flew away, using its left turn indicator to wave goodbye.

Haha, yes, please go away you flying sack of cancer.

We walked into the dome and, unlike Arris Dome, it went directly to the central section. We headed up to the top of the room, and encountered a Robo-Nu "asleep" against a wall. Ignoring it, I asked for the pendant. Marle handed it to me and I held it up to the blue, glowing door. The door shone brightly and flew upward into the ceiling at extremely high speeds. I stepped through first, being right in front of the door, and everyone else followed. As soon as I stepped on the first platform, there was a slight glow and several small dots appeared on all the other platforms.

"Ignore those," I said, walking around the room. "They're only little messages left by Belthasar."

Yeah, let's ignore all of the plot essential world building messages. We can't have any fun here unless Joe is wielding a katana during it.

Robo, at the back of the line, where he belongs, was stopping occasionally to pick up each of the little message recordings. He caught up quickly (of course he did, he's a robot), and made it just in time for me to open the final door to the Epoch. We walked through the door and I realized that it wasn't only the Arris Dome computer that was larger on this side of the screen. The Epoch was immense, but, because it was on something similar to landing gears, I had to look up at it, making it seem even larger.

Robo glanced at all sides (except the top) and wondered three things: "Which side is the front? How do we sit in it? And what runs the Time Machine?"

"As far as I know, it's run by an Infinite Improbability Machine, and the seats will soon be brought by Robo-Belthasar.

Don't besmirch Hitchhiker's Guide by including it in your trash.

The direction of the seats should tell you which side is the front," I answered. Sure enough, the door slid open and in rolled a set of four chairs, followed by Robo-Belthasar.

"Ah, you're here. Excellent," Belthasar said, clapping his hands together. "I assume you're here for the Epoch?"

I blinked in surprise, "Uh, yeah. How'd you know?"

He left the messages for you. How would he have not foreseen this? Also you've played the game! How is your internal logic so damn off?

He laughed. "I recall from this Era's databanks two people, of the description of you two," he pointed at myself and Marle, "and two others, disappearing in a sphere of blue light. And I recalled that I came to now through a similar sphere. Thusly, you are Time Travelers in need of a way to reach somewhere you otherwise could not. I remember Melchior telling me about four travelers that saved his life and apparently got a time machine from me. So when I got here, I started building this! I hope that answers any and all questions you might have."

There is a lot of stuff in there that raises more questions, but I'd end up looking like a turbonerd, so continue with your shitty continuity, Bardick.

"Yeah," blinked Marle. "I think it did. Well, everyone, let's get in!"

"Right!" We chorused. I sat down in the front-right seat and Robo sat to my left and Marle and Glenn sat in back. Robo-Belthasar continued to push the seats up under the Epoch and pushed a button the ground. The main body of the Epoch began to lower, until it connected with the platform the chairs were on.

It would've been funny if Robo-Belthasar got the measurements slightly wrong and accidentally crushed them. Or at least the front row, since Robo's an acceptable casualty.

I looked at the dashboard in front of me to discover that I had picked the wrong seat: instead of Robo getting the controls, I had gotten them.

What a bamboozle!

"Alright guys, lets head back to the End of Time and pick up Crono and Lucca. We're going to rescue Melchior, and I, at least, want what Melchior saw back then to be the same thing he's going to see." I saw Marle and Glen blink in my rear-view mirror and I sighed. "Time travel, it's filled with confusing grammer."

You make it too easy, Joe.

I set the Time Dial past the year AD 2300, our current time and the last one on the dial, and pushed the button labeled "Y." Don't ask me why, 'cause I really don't know.

Oh man breaking the fourth wall how interezzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Anyway, as soon as I pushed the button, the Epoch began humming, first at a low C, then the pitch steadily grew until it went past human hearing. There was a bright flash of light and suddenly we were traveling through what seemed to be a stream of Fire rushing along in our direction.

"Beautiful..." whispered Marle.

"Aye, 'tis truly amazing," mumured Glenn.

”Fuck Robo,” contributed Joe.

"So this is Time Travel outside of Gates. I wish I could study it further," Robo, of course. I I was simply awestruck. Suddenly, the fiery Time Stream faded from sight and we were surrounded by the murky darkness of the End of Time. I pushed the "Open/Close Cockpit" button and we jumped out of the seats. Marle wasn't sure if she could do it at first, but I reassured her that she could really jump that high.

We walked to the center of the platform and everyone gathere around us. Robo told everyone that we were ready, but needed to switch him and Marle with Crono and Lucca to keep the Time/Space continuum correct. Or something like that.

Hahaha, yeah sure.

I jumped in back with Lucca, while Crono and Glenn sat up front. I had to explain to Crono that all he had to do was set the dial to the desired time, in this case 12,000 BC, and push the "Y" button. It was then that I realized why it was labeled that: to keep the game mechanics straight.

...You...made a joke you didn't get? What?

This time, when we went rushing through time the Time Stream outside the Cockpit, The stream was rushing in the direction opposite us, and the Epoch seemed to be moving slower, as if there was a resisting force involved.

"Time travel, it's a cornucopia of disturbing concepts,"

-Ron Stoppable, Kim Possible: a Sitch in Time

Either I had a weird childhood or you did.

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Post #14

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post Mar 31 2015, 08:15 AM
A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 14

The Fall of Zeal

Are you even trying to be discrete at this point?

By: Shadic the Hedgehog

"Alright peoples, let's see who's going to take down the Kingdom of Zeal," I said. Everyone was gathered around the lamppost at the End of Time, as we prepared to use our new time machine, the Epoch, to assault the floating kingdom. "We'll need to take Crono and Lucca with us, and there's something Glenn should see there. But Ayla will be useful there, too… This is a mighty problem."

You've had your entire party (except Robo) all in one time before when you fought Magus. Your selective blindness is not endearing.

"And what about the rest of us?" Marle asked. "We're just supposed to twiddle our thumbs or simply keep reading this whole time? Come on, We're not that useless are we?"

Not at all. He just doesn't like you or want to write himself dating you.

"Of course not! For instance, you learn the greatest of all the cure spells and in combo with Crono and Glenn can create what's basically an extra life for the whole party! Robo's lasers count like Shadow spells, and can work with Crono and Ayla for a flurry of tornadoes! But don't worry about being left behind when we finally destroy Lavos. I'll make sure we're all there one way or another."

Well so much for any suspense about whether or not this is the end of the game. Though there's no reason it couldn't be...


"Anyway," interrupted Crono, "We still need to figure out who's going to take down Zeal. Joe's going, because he's our personal 'Prophet.'" I scowled slightly as he smirked. "I'm going to fight Lavos personally."

"Glenn actually has to go, " I realized. "Otherwise we'll have a temporal continuity error. Melchior said he remembered Glenn being there when we rescued him, so we'll have to take him along."

God forbid there's not yet another pointless continuity error in this train wreck.

"So that means it's one of you four left to choose from," Crono nodded. "How're we gonna decide that?"


No, YOU”RE janken!

...my chain if you expect me to believe anyone but your self-appointed love interest is going on this trip.


I sighed and rolled my eyes. I thought Japanese-based characters would know Japanese terms. "Rock, paper, scissors. I just prefer to use the Japanese title since it's shorter."

”And no one ever wants to play with me as a result. It's ok though, because they're all just bakas.”

"Hmm, What do you think, guys?"

"Let's do it," Lucca replied.

"Sounds like fun!" Marle agreed.

"What paper, scissors?" Ayla wondered, making Marle sigh and explain. Ayla was as confused as everyone else as to how paper beat rock.

Ayla, of course, was confused by the one item that her time period actually had in abundance.

"It should be sufficiently randomXD," Robo replied.

Once Ayla realized it was pointless to ask questions, they all got into a group and started Janken. In the first round, Marle was eliminated because she was the only one who picked scissors while everyone else had picked rock. Ayla was next when both Lucca and Robo picked paper (the girl is obsessed with rocks). Then they picked rock again, then scissors, and so on until finally, Lucca won with an unexpected paper, when everyone had been expecting scissors and Robo threw out rock.

And with that ladies and gentlemen, Lucca has defeated Robo to win the Stupid Bowl! What an amazing game of football rock, paper

"Yes! Looks like I go with ya!" Lucca cheered. Everyone nodded and the team headed off to the Epoch. We piled in, myself once again at the helm, and I set the dial for 12,000 BC and pushed the "y" button. Once again we shot off through time, but this time it seemed a little slower, as if we were struggling against the stream, but anyways, we re-appeared in 12,000 BC in the middle of the constant blizzard.

Hold on a minute, I just had a non-Vietnam flashback.

I jumped in back with Lucca, while Crono and Glenn sat up front. I had to explain to Crono that all he had to do was set the dial to the desired time, in this case 12,000 BC, and push the "Y" button. It was then that I realized why it was labeled that: to keep the game mechanics straight.
This time, when we went rushing through time the Time Stream outside the Cockpit, The stream was rushing in the direction opposite us, and the Epoch seemed to be moving slower, as if there was a resisting force involved.

You said all of this! The entire first part of this chapter is a more complicated version of the last two paragraphs of the last chapter.

I don't know what to think of that.

I guided us north, towards the Earthbound Village, and it was then that I found out that Crono and Lucca had gone that way, but the ladder up to the village itself had been out of reach. It wasn't this time, and I couldn't explain why it was down this time. Regardless, we climbed the ladder and headed into the system of caves.

Entirely useful digression there.

"Let's go over there first," I said, pointing to the first cave. "That's where the Earthbound chief lives and we'll want to introduce ourselves before we go and save the Guru of Life."

We walked in and introduced ourselves. We declared our intentions and the chief sighed.

"If you want to throw your lives away, go right ahead. The anchor of Mount Woe is guarded by-"

"A Mud imp, a Red Beast, and a Blue Beast. As well as two pairs of plain Beasts along the path there," I interrupted. "We are well aware of the dangers, and intend to save Melchior nonetheless."

See, I thought that Bardic had actually evolved somewhat in his storytelling with the Zeal stuff, since Joe didn't constantly do that thing where he interrupts a character's dialog in order to tell them everything that was about to happen. But I guess the view never changes.

The chief was taken aback. "Well, then I suppose it's only right to let you take shelter here. There is a guest room the next cave down and the guy who attends the room also sells goods."

We said our thanks and headed out the doorway. We bought a few potions and ethers with the gold we had with us, and stayed the night. The next morning we said our thanks to the "manager" and headed to the bottom level of the cave system. We walked through the entrance to the Anchor of Woe Cavern (I named it that, even though it wouldn't be around for much longer) and moved down the path.

Bardick, directly mentioning future events with no subtlety is not foreshadowing. It's pretty much spoiling your own story, which is a habit you've developed that is ridiculously awful for any author.

We encountered the first pair of beasts and I managed to slice a good line down the side of one before it knocked me back against the wall with a single paw. I watched blearily for a second while Crono dealt with the same creature as me and Glenn and Lucca worked together against the second beast.

I got back up and Crono and I performed Slash-Cut, my sword going right along the Beast's spine. Meanwhile, Glenn and Lucca had just finished off their Beast with a well-thrown grenade down its throat. We continued down the path and fought of the second pair of Beasts in much the same way.

Since you're not gonna bother describing these Beast monsters, I'm just going to use my imagination and pretend that you're fighting a bunch of miniature Brock Lesnars.

Then we reached the end of the cavern. The Red and Blue Beasts moved in front of us and roared, which summoned the Mud Imp from the top of the chain.

The Imp yelled, "None may pass!"

"We're going to anyway!" I yelled and pulled out my sword, charging. A split second before I would hit the Imp, I jumped to the side and struck the Blue Beast, while Crono caught the surprised Imp with a Confusion attack. Glenn did a Meteor Stab attack (He used his Wind to throw himself into the air and fall, sword first, on top of his target) to the Red Beast. Lucca was busy casting the Protect spell on all of us, then joined us by throwing Grenades at the Mud Imp. After a steady bombardment of Grenades, the Imp disintegrated, leaving the beasts. I had already warned them not to use direct attack magic, as I had forgotten whether they absorb Fire or Ice, and if it's the same colour or the opposite colour, so we stuck with physical attacks.

Oh, that is a problem. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=red+blue+beast+chrono+trigger

I sliced through the Blue Beast with a Cross-Slash, while Lucca was shooting it in the back. Meanwhile, Crono and Glenn's Red Beast was nearly ribbons already.

It took us nearly a half-hour of fighting to kill them, and, since we were all bloody and bruised, we pulled a magical collapsible tent out of our Bag of Holding and set it up.

Then we realized we needed two. We did Janken again to see who would be tenting with who, and I got stuck with Glenn.

Poor Glenn.

I slipped into my sleeping bag and curled up at the bottom to shut out all light before I could get to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night to a bubbly snore from right next to me, and a whispered conversation from the tent next door.

"Really? You think so?" whispered Crono's voice.

"Yeah," replied Lucca with a sigh. "I can't believe it though. Why him?"

Alright, so the last time this happened whatever promise it held was ruined by Joe being part of it. Since he's not this time, I shall remain ever the optimist.

"You never know who it could be."

"What, like you and Marle?" Crono coughed lightly. "Don't think nobody's noticed. It's perfectly obvious to everyone except Marle, that you like her."

"Please, just don't tell her. I'd be way too embarrassed."

Nah jk let's talk about teenaged girl shitXD.

"Oh, come on. If you're going to be king someday, you'll half to get over the small things like that."

"Whaddya mean, 'be king?' I can't exactly rule a country I'm wanted in, can I?"

"Heh heh. I actually skipped ahead in the game further than Joe thinks I did. I saw the ending. We get pardoned thanks to us having saved the world." I was shocked!
Lucca went behind my back even more than to the End of Time!

This chapter should be renamed. “The Fall of Zeal” is too ambiguous, so how about we just cut out the middle man and call it “The Death of Suspense?”

"How did you get to the end so fast? From what I've heard from Joe so far, it seems to be a rather complicated adventure."

An adventure you've been living through, mind. You are more than just a spectator...one would think.

"I experimented with the other buttons on the keyboard, and when I hit the button marked 'F1' I was suddenly zipped ahead to the final 'dungeon.' but enough of this tale, and don't tell Joe I did that, got it?"

"Right. But you know, somethin's been bugging me about Joe." I calmed down slightly to listen to this part.

"What's that?"

”He keeps referring to you as his “waifu” and as a Japanese person I don't know what that means.”

"When we spent the night over at your house, after our first trip to the End of Time, I got up for a bit and had a snack with Joe, and it seems that in his world, he created beings by the same name as the Divine Protectors."

"Really? That is kinda freaky."

"But that's not the half of it. Remember the shade behind Joe when he got magic? That's one of them, or so Joe thinks."

The one that “cared” about Lucca? Yeah, that is pretty freaky.

"Which one?"

"Isn't it obvious? Fire magic has to mean Barog Firestorm! I think that means he was sent by Barog, but he doesn't believe me."

"Wow, I can't believe I'm…" I didn't catch the rest, because I ended up falling asleep again. I blinked and found myself being woken by Glenn.

So the story so far is that Joe's OC Barog Firestorm sent him to another dimension for...reasons? And he also has all of the powers of Barog because...?

"Get thee up, Joe. We are to ascend the Mountain of Woe this morning."

"Right, right…" I crawled out of my sleeping bag and stretched, cracking my back, my neck, my wrists and my fingers. "Sleep well?" I cleaned the sleepies out of my eyes and headed out of the tent. I've never been a morning person.

I seem to remember this entire story beginning with you waking up at four in the morning on a weekend. But you know, to hell with consistency.

"Well enough. Shall we be off?"

"Yeah," replied Crono. "The chain's not too bad of a climb, and I'm sure Joe can guide us the rest of the way when he finishes waking up. Let's just wait for Lucca."

"My brain wakes up just fine," I yawned. "It's my body that has trouble catching up." I looked around to see Lucca coming back to us with weird looking animals in a net.

"Here's breakfast!" she said cheerily. "Already cooked thanks to my fire magic!" I took mine from her, wondering how she could be so… so… PERKY in the morning! I mean she had to have stayed up half the night talking to Crono about me. 'Hey, that's right… I remember now, she talked at one point about skipping ahead further than she already told me about.' Remembering that sort of irked me, so I ate in silence. Well, more silent than usual, and climbed in complete silence. When we reached the top I led the way, only speaking when I had to, and finishing off every battle as fast as I could.

And no one noticed that he was being passive aggressive because they were too grateful that he had shut the hell up.

My least favourite opponent was the Gravel creature. It was hard to fight without being able to use magic, since I'd become so used to it. But finally, and after getting lost a couple times, we made it to the final chain bridge of Mount Woe. We took a break at that end, next to a Safe Sphere in the area, and then headed across the chain. As we walked I detailed the big boss ahead: Giga Gaia. He was going to be one of our toughest fights ever.

He's really not. I don't remember ever having trouble with this boss, and I am bad at video games.

As soon as we reached the top, we spotted the chrysalis that contained Melchior. I stepped closer, in hopes of breaking the spell before G.G. showed up. I was unsuccessful.

GamerGate then proceeded to trigger Bardic by pointing out that his work was illogical, but he just responded by calling them misogynistic pigs.

The magical cocoon vanished and the mountain began to shake. Giga Gaia popped up directly in front of me, practically knocking me over. Then his ands appeared and he lead off with his devastator combo: Twin Flare, followed by a Shadow-type spell--Back to GameFAQs--Giga Gaia began to break up and vanish quickly afterwards. The storm subsided and we all began showing our magical side effects. I turned red, Lucca began sweating profusely, Crono twitched like a madman, and Glenn fell on his butt and couldn't sand up from how dizzy he was. Melchior's cocoon reappeared and began falling apart. Melchior himself appeared and glanced about.

Whoa! Melchior's the Guru of Life! I wish that wasn't spoiled multiple times throughout this story already.

"Oh my. It seems you four used a bit too much magic in freeing me. Here," He tossed a blue orb at us and it split, healing us all. Suddenly, the mountain began to shake. "The Mountain! It's falling apart! Hurry, to Terra Cave!" Glenn picked us all up with Wind 2 and sped us quickly to the cavern just outside the village. We ran the rest of the way to the chieftain's house. Outside there was a crashing sound as Mount Woe slammed into the ocean. We collapsed from pure exhaustion and spent the night at the chieftain's house.

The tidal waves caused by the mountain crashing into the ocean killed several thousand Earthbound people and annihilated millions of dollars' worth of infrastructure.

More at 11.

The next morning, we listened to Melchior's rant about the Queen's new behaviour, and he handed us the Ruby Knife, to use against the Mammon Machine. Just then, the curtain in the doorway moved aside, revealing Schala and the young Prince Janus.

"Oh my, Melchior! We thought you must have been freed when Mount Woe collapsed," Schala said as she entered. Janus entered behind her, muttering about the dirty state of the cave.

Schala really should learn to clean up better down there.

Schala hushed him and turned to face us. "And it must have been the four of you that freed him!"

"Yes, they did free me," Melchior replied. "Now, what are you doing down here?"

"Mother was going to force me into working the Mammon Machine, but since it can't work without me I've run away." Schala giggled.

"Which is why I'm here," chuckled a voice just outside the cave. I recognized that voice and growled.

"Dalton. Dinkleburg!"

"That's right. And I'm here to take Princess Schala back to her mother. She's very worried." Dalton swaggered into the cave and took Schala by the arm.
We began drawing our weapons and Dalton pulled out a dagger, pressing it against Schala's throat. "Not a step closer, or a weapon fired, or I'll cut her throat."

"Empty threat, Dalton," I growled. "You can't work the Mammon Machine without her. So if you kill her, there go your dreams of immortality."

"Hmm… You're right," Dalton looked thoughtful and glanced around the room. Schala burst.

”My god! The blood and entrails are everywhere!

"Janus! Run!" Dalton laughed evilly as he swooped down upon the young Magus.

"Now you'll listen. I take Schala with me, or the prince here gets killed."

For the record, y'all are terrible heroes. You failed not once but twice to stop the villain from kidnapping people in the past minute. Even without Joe's selective foreknowledge, you really fucked it up.

Crono looked to me for clarification and I shook my head, "Janus is important to future events. We'll have to comply." Everyone put their weapons away and we moved aside as Dalton carried Janus and pushed Schala out the door. Once Dalton was gone I swore and punched the wall (Bad idea, as it turns out. My hand was throbbing for the next hour).

Should've rammed your head into it repeatedly.

We left quickly, heading for the first Sky Gate. We moved as fast as we could, even stealing a hovercraft so that we didn't have to go the roundabout route. (I was glad I spent so much time exploring Kajar, I knew where to find what we needed).

Yeah, there were hovercrafts all around Kajar. Remember all of the hovercrafts around Kajar in the game? Made all of that Epoch stuff completely useless.

We flew straight to the palace, and go out quickly. We flew up the stairs that Masa and Mune were often standing on and into the throne room. We paused for a second to open the Throne Room door, and made it in just in time to see Dalton transport Schala down to the Undersea Palace.

"You're faster than I expected," Dalton proclaimed. "I guess I should leave you little going away present." He waved his hand and a dark sphere appeared, he then jumped into the Point-to-Point Gate and a Golem appeared. We dispatched the Golem quickly, using the as many elements as possible in the shortest amount of time to confuse the Golem's senses. Suddenly the Golem belched so loud that it shook the throne room. We caught a whiff of the burp and practically swooned from the stench. Glenn cleared the room of the horrible stench quickly and we all jumped down into the Undersea Gate.

Mountain of Woe? More like Mountain of Whoa, Slow the Fuck Down, Dude.

We arrived on the highest floor of the Undersea palace and encountered Masa and Mune. They explained the situation, and vanished. We headed on down as fast as we could, getting stopped once by a puzzle I always had a bit of trouble with. We made it to the two double switches that concealed the way to the Mammon Machine and quickly completed that little trick. We ran along the path, resting momentarily for Glenn's Cure spell and a few Ethers and we ran in. I nearly had Dalton. I could've cut his head off if I hadn't suddenly remembered his importance to the story: he gave time it's wings. Allowed the Epoch to fly.

My eyes skipped a paragraph here, and I missed about the entire dungeon.

He panicked and this time summoned the Golem Twins, Trapping us once more in a one-way bubble. We took out both Golems with a single Firestorm, and this time we almost passed out from the smell. Dalton lowered the shield and prepared to take off our heads himself when there was an ear splitting, gut wrenching roar.

Two paragraphs gets you through the entire Ocean Palace? Goddamn, the Beasts got more text.

"I'd love to stay and kill you, but immortality awaits!" he laughed and flew off to the other end of the hall. Glenn once again cleared away the smell and we breathed in a deep lungful of fresh air. We each drank one of the four Elixirs we found on the way down, and headed through the door to the Mammon Machine. The Door to Greed.
We charged ahead as fast as we could, Lucca making hasty modifications to her gun so that it could fire the Ruby Dagger into the Mammon Machine at full force. I glanced to either side of us as we ran and I saw Masa and Mune flying alongside us. I stopped quickly near the middle of the group of Zealians, and as Lucca fired the Dagger, Masa and Mune flew into it, to empower the dagger. When it hit I saw another sword appear.

This is just getting lazy and rushed. I shouldn't be surprised that he's just trying to skip ahead get to the event at the end of the Ocean Palace but Jesus. There's no way a non-fan could follow at this point.

Also, see how I referenced something happening and didn't say what it was? That's how to maintain uncertainty for your audience. It's a base-level necessity you hack.

"Impossible…" I whispered. It was my father's sword, now the Murasame, puncturing the Machine just underneath the newly created Masamune.

So the only swordsman in this game who doesn't have a mythical sword is the titular character. Bravo.

"The dagger has become the Masamune!" exclaimed Glenn.

"Which is precisely why I wanted you along in the first place, Glenn, paradoxes aside: To see the origin of your sword." I was still in awe from the appearance of the Murasame, though. Schala fell to the ground and giggled as the Queen turned.

"It's too late!" screamed Queen Zeal in glee. "Immortality is OURS!"

The horrible, screaming roar sounded again as we were suddenly immersed in the Space between Time: Lavos' Dimension. The party hastily drew their weapons, and we assaulted Lavos with everything we had. But almost immediately after exhausting ourselves I heard a voice in my head.

”Kill them all, Joe, and then YOU can be the hero and Ryan will stop bullying you!”

"PITIFUL MORTALS. YOU DO NOT STAND A CHANCE AGAINST ME," My head seemed to burst from the Psychic Volume. "YOUR DESTRUCTION SHALL RAIN FROM THE HEAVENS!" from Lavos' shell came a multitude of lasers that fired into the "sky" and came back down, blowing us all to half-consciousness.

Sidenote: the whole “Joe is just dragging people along on a DND campaign” complaint wouldn't be nearly as bad if any of the characters involved stopped for a second while he was explaining how they needed to go to X to do Y to ask him why any of that is necessary when they can just skip through to Z. This is especially relevant right now because—spoilers—someone's about to fucking die. The entire situation they're about to find themselves in is easily preventable if any of them had the agency to stop and question why Joe was playing DM.

In any other story Joe would be a villain.

I watched blearily as Magus attempted to stand up against Lavos, but only succeeded in breaking the Murasame. I blacked out momentarily, but came to in time to hear the most horrifying sentence ever:

”You're not special.”

"Lucca, what are you doing?" I snapped my eyes open and saw Lucca stumbling towards Lavos' Eye. She turned towards Crono and gave him a thumbs up.

"Saving your life, I think," she replied. She turned towards me, myself too weak to move, tears were streaming down her face. "And the rest of the world's…"

In the original it was Crono who goes through this, and I'll admit that I was really hoping that Joe would steal the spotlight as always and sacrifice himself. Unfortunately, we end up with the worst of both worlds; his tepid romance subplot allows him to steal the spotlight, but he doesn't get killed for a few chapters.

She began gathering magic, I could somehow see the energies flowing about her, building up more power than she really was supposed to have. Then I realized it: she was attempting to cast a spell as powerful as my Final Flare, but without as much fire reserves, she pushing to use her own life force in the spell.

Even during this, Bardic finds a way to remind the readers that no one is as powerful as his self-insert.

I somehow made it to my feet, though I don't remember standing up. Lavos opened his eye and laughed a deep and terrible laugh in my brain. He began stealing the energy Lucca was gathering, and was turning it into a Disintegrator beam. He fired it off, and Lucca vanished from my sight.

A teardrop hit my cheek. Coming from where Lucca had stood. I was in momentary disbelief. Then came the anger. The ALL POWERFUL ANGER! My vision turned red, flames began growing around me, and I let out a bloody roar that expressed my feelings to the world. Then I knew no more.

I can't imagine you being this upset if everything had gone according to plan and Crono died instead. I mean, if you were, then why were you here?

"Rage is just like any other weapon: you have to use it not let it use you."

-Barog Firestorm (A/N: I was kinda grasping for a quote, so I went for something of my own)

So Joe's angry that Lavos killed Lucca, despite the fact that he's played the game, he knows the big twist, and did nothing to alter the course of their journey to prevent it from happening. He is either evil or just selectively forgets parts of the game when it's convenient. Either way, it's all Joe's fault.

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Post #15

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Member No.: 631
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post Apr 4 2015, 02:52 PM
Shadic: Before I get started, I'd like to thank those of you that have reviewed.

”Except Ryan from school. I am not a 'desperate nerd'! Fuck you Ryan!”

And thank you for pointing out my little typo of Ocean Palace/Undersea Palace. I seem to be on a writing spree this week, so expect Ch. 16 soon! I won't hold you any longer, so get reading!

I hope you can see me flipping you the bird. I'm doing it as hard as I can.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 15


By: Shadic the Hedgehog

I woke up staring at the ceiling of a hut. I sat up and glanced around. Crono and Glenn were over on the other side of the hut, whispering something.

”Yeah! Joe is cool!” could be heard being softly murmured.

Crono glanced in my direction and grabbed Glenn's shoulder to spin him around. I stood up and asked them a question.

"What's going on?" I noticed my voice sounded like my throat was filled with phlegm. Crono and Glenn just continued staring, as if in awe or… could it have been fear? "I asked you what's going on! ANSWER ME!" I felt the rage rise up, unbidden. Then I looked about once more. "Wait…" my rage evaporated. "Where's Lucca?" Then it came to me. The last thing I saw before I blacked out: Lucca sacrificing her life. "It wasn't supposed to be her! It wasn't… supposed to be her…" I fell to my knees.

”It was supposed to be Crono, that red-headed fuck ruined everything!”

But no, thanks for confirming my suspicion that you were totally ok with having Crono get killed, d-bag.

'Why…? Why can't I… cry?' I was sobbing, the saddest I had ever been, but no tears sprang forth. I punched the ground in my sudden anger and felt it give way, but quickly jerked it back from a massive surge of pain. I felt steam rise from the hole I punched. Curious, I glanced at my hand and gasped in horror. My hand was red. And covered in scales. With claws on the ends of my fingers instead of fingernails. I looked over my shoulder, suspicious, and, sure enough, there was a large, leathery, red wing obstructing my view.

Calm down Joe. You're going through a very tough transition right now that all boys your age go through. You'll notice some changes in your body, like growing claws and a tail. That's natural.

I began laughing hysterically, "I see… You were right, Crono. Well, sort of. I'm not an emissary of Barog Firestorm. I AM Barog Firestorm!"

”My OC isn't God. I'm God!” HAHAHAHAHA you failure.

I laughed a little more. "However, if I remember my own biggest weakness: I can't quite control my emotions. Let's just hope I can return to human form!" I groaned in pain as my wings and tail (yes, that's right, I had a tail) were being pulled slowly into my body. I was then swept over by a wave of flame that removed all the scales from my skin. There were some popping sounds, as well as a bit of pain, as my bones re-aligned (turns out I'm taller as Barog).

So in real life, Bardic is about 5' even.

Then I shook myself and blinked a couple times. "Wow, that hurt."

"But, My Lord, where be Lucca?" Glenn asked, still in awe. I felt something running down my face, and reached up to investigate. Tears. At last.

Crono answered Glenn his voice flat, "She's gone."

"Wherefore dost thou say 'gone?'"

C'mon, Frog even Ayla understands that euphemism, and she's retarded.

"It's like he said, Glenn," I replied, tears still flowing, "she's gone. She died trying to destroy Lavos. But what about what happened afterwards? What happened to me, to make me Barog?"

Crono answered me, "Well, that what really freaked us out… There was this roar of rage as Lucca vanished, and, as it had come from your direction, I looked over. You were surrounded by flames of an almost unnatural heat. As I watched you transform, I realized just what you had said a little bit ago: that you were Barog Firestorm. You flew at Lavos and began carving chunks out of his shell and his eyelid.

”And then this weird guy with gray hair and a cape came up and high-fived you and said your plan was cool.”

"After that proved ineffective, you moved back and built up a ginormous fireball. You let it loose in a stream at Lavos' eye. It apparently hurt him a great deal, because he shrieked audibly. You stopped your assault and laughed, probably reveling in your power, which allowed Lavos a chance to blast you with some sort of ray. Like what
got Lucca. Thankfully, it only knocked you out."

What a shame.

As Crono finished his tale, the Earthbound Elder entered the hut. He spoke to Crono for a little while then headed back out. We spent the night getting real sleep and in the morning we headed for the Commons to recover the Epoch, which survived and got wedged at the base of the mountain between some very hardy trees.

Oh yeah, by the way, any non-fan who's reading this: The entire kingdom got destroyed. Bardic forgot to mention that when he was speedrunning the Ocean Palace.

As we prepared to speak with the Elder, some fireballs flew in and exploded to either side of us. We spun around and I cursed. I had been so intent on grieving that I forgot all about Dalton's coup. We drew our swords and stood ready.

How were you “intent” on grieving? Did you plan out some daily “cry and wank” schedule?

Dalton's guards flew in, making a path to us from the entrance. Dalton himself flew up to us just then and declared to everyone that he was now "King Dalton."

And Joe, in defiance, proclaimed himself “Emperor Autisimus.”

"You will never rule here, Dalton!" Crono spat.

"Hmph," Dalton turned around. "I recognize you three as the upstarts that tried to take out Lavos! If take you out, then I'll never be defeated!" Dalton waved his hand and a fireball flew at us. I stepped in its path and took the full force of the blow. Dalton began laughing, thinking he'd won.

"You're pitiful magic is no match for the God of Fire!" I laughed, dissipating the smoke with a couple beats with my wings. Yes, I had turned back into Barog, despite my mental instability.

More like because of it.

"Then let's seen you handle this!" He waved his hand again and Crono and Glenn tensed. The relaxed two seconds later, when nothing appeared, and were taken from behind.

Oh my. And to think this fic has a K-T rating.

So was I, as a matter of fact. It helped that whoever it was had hit the base of my skull with their staff, I think. I can't quite remember: I was falling unconscious.


I woke with a headache that was probably caused by the vibration of my head against the floor, which appeared to be slightly melted where I was laying. I stood up and reverted to my human form, and just as I was about to rouse the other there was a flash of… something. It looked like a… memory?

Oh good, repressed memories. Well at least I can clip this part and send it to the APA for serious consideration.

There was a massive storm approaching, worse than any that had ever occurred throughout the Shadows. I heard a voice behind me, a voice that I knew commanded even my respect, yell something.

”Joseph! Dinner's ready. Put down your SonicXStar Trek fanfiction and come eat!

"Don't worry, Corwin! We'll keep the Chaos at bay!"

"You just finish the Pattern and we'll take it from there!" called someone else from my left. The voice was so confident as to be considered arrogant, but flowed like water through the air.

Through my feet, I heard from my right, "Barog. Once we finish with this, will you set a dragon as a guardian?"

"I was planning on doing that anyway, Gaia," I yelled back. "I'll probably leave a Blood Dragon so that only Corwin's family will be able to approach this new Pattern." As and after thought I added, "and us, just in case."

The scene began to fade out. The last words I heard were from the person to my left. "Why don't we call it the Progress instead?"

'Odd pronunciation,' I thought. It sounded like Pro (like professional)-gress.

...I have no idea what to make of any of that. I'm...utterly dumbfounded.


"..oe! Joe! Wake up!" Crono was shaking me.

I sat up, Crono and Glenn moving aside. "I'm fine, I'm fine. I just had a flashback. On of my other's memories. The drawing of… the Progress?"

"The Progress!" exclaimed Glenn. "The mythical symbol that brought the world into being!"

I'm glad that Frog seems up to speed on whatever Bardic's going on about here.

"I guess you could say that… But really, it only made this world real. I heard an interesting name while I was remembering: Corwin." I stood up and rubbed my forehead.
"I suspect that his full name was Corwin of Amber. And I have a book that explains some of his history. Only problem is, we, the Elementals, aren't mentioned in it at all."

Alright, let's see what he's ripping off here. To Google!




I see. Interesting. It's a fantasy series by a dude name Robert Zelazny, and he has a ton of praise from guys like George R. R. Martin, so he must make actually decent stuff. I'm surprised, I would have pegged Bardick as the Eragon type.

Regardless, I've seen nothing about a guy named “Barog Firestorm” in what I've read, so I'm guessing he's just throwing his OC's into the creation myth. How thoughtful.

"We can talk about that later," Crono interrupted. "Right now we need to get our stuff back and get out of here."

"Right." I walked them over to the ventilation shaft that was remarkably large enough that we could walk around in it comfortably. 'Now this is something good villains would never do,' I chuckled mentally.

Or someone who needs a large ventilation system because they're piloting a giant airship. But whatevs.

We wandered a little bit until we found the main hanger, where Dalton was refitting the Epoch with wings. We watched for a moment until we knew what we needed to know about what he was doing. As we stood to go, I had another flashback.

Oh, so this is going to be the oh-so-important “here's how my OC's are fucking up another series” chapter.

A guy with blue skin and flowing aquamarine hair was grinning at me. I knew him to be Frigida, my brother. The arrogant God of Water. He was saying something, "So what'll be your contribution to the Progress?"

"As I said to Gaia earlier: there will be a Blood Dragon watching over the new Pattern," I replied, scornfully.

"I mean besides that." Frigida laughed. "I mean, Gaia's protecting the thing so that no ground based assault can break it, while Kaze's done nearly the same thing with the air. I've made it liquid proof, so that we won't have to get another one of these things drawn up. So what about you?"

"I guess I'll make it more chaotic. Tailz's Pattern is way too uptight about its precious Order, but on the other hand, Tobies's buddy, the Logrus, is far too Chaotic. So if this Pattern has some chaos thrown in, it'll be more neutral…"

I sat up and said, "Pattern plus Logrus equals PROgress. I get it now. Nice joke, Frigi. I guess you knew more than I thought you did at the time." Then I noticed that I had to sit up. I guess these flashbacks overload my human brain so much that I faint every time. Damn.

You're getting off easy for now, Bardic, only because I don't know anything about what canon you're besmirching.

"Who's 'Frigi?'" asked Crono.

"Frigida, y'know?"

Just your creation gods and whatnot, no big deal.

"Oh. What are the Pattern and the Logrus?"

"I'll just have you read the Great Book of Amber when we get back to the End of Time. It's explained in there. Now, shall we find our stuff?"

I'm actually kind of glad that you somehow brought your stuff to the End of Time magically and we don't have to revisit your abomination of a car.

We descended to the main deck of the Blackbird and began wandering the halls. Every time we encountered an enemy, we beat them up with magic. I actually combined my limited Martial Arts skills, in which I had no actual training, with my magic, punching holes through the robots, and using my fist in place of my sword for Sonic Blade.

We found Crono's stuff first, then Glenn's. Next came the gold, then finallymy stuff. As soon as I had, I began falling.

"Not another flashback…" my words went into a mumble as the memory came through.

I dunno if this is a Chrono Trigger fanfic or an Evanescence album anymore.


"So Gaia, why do you wear that armour all time?" I asked another of my brothers. I, nor any of my siblings have ever seen what Gaia really looks like, since he's always wrapped up in his earth-tone armour. We were walking through his favourite Shadow at the time, through one of the more scenic valleys.

My favorite shadow is the one that looks like a butt.

"You don't want to know," came the reply, through my feet.

"That's another thing." I stopped walking. "Why do you always talk through the ground! When fighting in mid-air you never say a word! Use your real voice, man!"

Gaia stopped and turned towards me "That will only happen in the most dire of situations." Gaia sunk into the ground, vanishing from sight. Infuriated, I blew up the trees around me. Which was a pity, for they were such a dazzling red.

I hope lighting things on fire isn't your go-to response to people not wanting to talk to you, or else there could be some severe problems in your future.


I stood up again. "That Gaia," I sighed. "He's always been a such an enigma…"

We continued through the ship, this time knowing where we were going. I knew where the exit to the left wing was, and I picked up our items as we went through the door. As the wind rushed over us, I felt slightly dizzy. I grabbed Crono.

"Another flashback comin' through." I said. And promptly collapsed.

I'm beginning to think these “flashbacks” are just Joe's way of covering up the crippling alcohol addiction he developed after drinking dizzy juice.


"Though I doubt we'll really need much in the way of a plan to fight him, we should be prepared," commanded the man across from me. He wore a greenish-yellow general's outfit with a Ulysses S. Grant-style hairdo. He was Kaze, General to the Gods, and God of the Wind. "Six against one may favour us, but only two of us can hurt him." and he launched into complicated battle plans that, if not done properly, he said, could cause any of us to die and be absorbed by Absolute Evil Elemental, my fourth and worst brother.

From what Google has shown me, this has nothing to do with the Amber Chronicles. It's just literary masturbation.

About halfway through the plans, Frigida suddenly summoned his halberd, Tsunami, and ran out of the tent, screaming his name: "FRIGIDA ICESTORM!"

I smacked my forehead. "Oh, he did not just do that."

"He did it." commented someone over my shoulder…

To be fair, this chapter was published in 2006, so the Leeroy Jenkins thing was somewhat topical and not everyone had gotten sick of it by then.

That being said, if Bardick starts cracking Chuck Norris jokes, I will commit sudoku.


"Damn that arrogant Frigida," I muttered upon waking. "I may not remember the outcome of that battle, but I get the feeling he got what he deserved."

Wearing that dress out in public, he was basically asking for it.

I looked around. We were back inside the Blackbird, just off the wing. 'They must've brought me back in to keep me from falling off. I wonder what they're doing…'

"Ah, Joe. Thou art awake," Glenn spoke from behind me. "Crono is currently searching the vessel for rations. We doubted that Dalton wouldst leave his troops with naught to eat."

"And it's not like they'll need 'em. Since they happen to be dead."

Then why would he need rations?

"True. Thus was our reasoning."

That's terrible reasoning. He must have food for his troops, but his troops can't eat, and that somehow reinforces the idea that he has food for his troops.

"I think I found some really good stuff," Crono said as he came back in. He had a bag over his back that smelled of, well, FOOD!

Crono opened the bag and dumped out the contents. There were t least three cans of my favourite food were there in the pile. Most of the food was fruits or vegetables, but there was SPAM™! SPAM™! I was so happy! I didn't think Spam™ existed in this world! I ripped open a can, cooked the meat with my magic, and began chowing down, stopping occasionally to eat a carrot or apple.

What a poor, desolate life you must have lived for Spam to be your favorite food. I'm not even gonna touch on how it's odd that Spam existed over 13,000 years ago, because that's just depressing.

After we finished the meal, we headed out for the wing again. Fighting against the wind, we made our way to the far end, and it was quite the hike. I think they must've really screwed up the proportions in the making of the game.

Yeah, it's Square's fault for making the game wrong, not yours for changing details at your whim.

Then, I felt the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end.

"There be a presence," Glenn muttered.

"It's Dalton's Golem King. But we won't have too much to worry about: he's afraid of heights," I laughed a little, but cut it short when the Dimensional Rift appeared. As I had said, the Golem King was CRAP! We just talked to him, and he ran, grateful that we let him live.

I'm surprised more monsters don't just run away grateful from Joe and his awesome smell powers.

Suddenly, a silver streak went by out of the corner of my eye. It was Dalton in the Epoch, now that it could fly. I quickly transformed into Barog in a flash of fire (it was becoming easier every time, but no less painful), grabbed Glenn and Crono by the wrists, and ran for the front of the wing. I leapt off, and flew for the Epoch, holding my friends up by sheer determination. I landed on the nose of the Epoch and set the others down. Dalton opened the cockpit to fight us, and I grabbed his wrist. I told Crono of Dalton's modifications and carried Dalton off to the wing of the Blackbird.

When I dropped him off, he said, "So, all the 'Great God of Fire' is gonna do is leave me on my own ship?" He began laughing. "If that's all you're capable of doing, it's no wonder you girlfriend was killed by Lavos!"

Fuckin' got 'em! http://www.instantrapairhorn.com/

I was instantly surrounded by fire. "That's the wrong thing to say, Dolton."


I was also instantly angry. I knew it wasn't this guy's fault Lucca died, but he was pissing me off by using her. I flew back and moved my right hand in front of me. "Let's see if you remember this. Welcome to Barog Firestorm's BIG BANG ATTACK!" I built up a fireball four times bigger than the one I had used against Sephiroth and shot it at Dalton. He summoned an ice wall and stopped the attack, though I could tell his little shield wouldn't last much longer.

I don't know why you're shooting him with fireballs, since you already burned him sufficiently by calling him “Dolton.”

"WELCOME TO OBLIVION!" I threw another fireball of the same size at the wall, exploding it and half the wing. I then caught Dalton's heat signature moving across the wing for the entrance. I flew over and grabbed him, flying over to deposit him on the front of the ship.

I can only imagine that Bardick was playing with his Goku figurines while writing this.

I flew off a ways and began charging another attack. Though I was now Barog, my spells and other fire controlling abilities still hurt like hell. I chanted the name of my attack, knowing it to be one he's not yet seen. "Ka… me… ha… me…" Dalton threw a humongous icicle my way and I broke myself and my fireball into pure heat energy, flying directly into Dalton's face before re-materializing. "HAAAAA!" My Flaming Warp Kamehameha not only destroyed Dalton sufficiently, but managed to finish destroying the Blackbird entirely.

Ooooh, that's a time paradox. I mean it would be, if I thought that Bardick had paid the slightest bit of attention to Chrono Cross.

"Well," I muttered as I headed for the landed Epoch, "I guess I was wrong, Magus: Dalton does die!" I laughed my head off as I descended to the ground, returning to human at the last second. "Well, guys. Let's go recruit us a new team mate."

”Yeah! I just straight up murdered someone! High five bros!”

"Who?" wondered Crono. I led Crono and Glenn to the North Cape, where we found Magus waiting.

"Magus. It's good to see you again," I said. Glenn drew the Masamune.

"Going to kill me now, you stupid frog? Now why would you want to do that, after you saved my life three days ago?" Magus chuckled.

Well I mean, there was all that murder and pillaging you did, but I mean shit, technicalities, right?

"Joe, what's he talking about?" asked Crono.

"Guys, meet Prince Janus Zeal, also known as: The Prophet." I said. Magus turned to face us.

FFS, can you guys not figure out any sort of subtle jab without Joe explaining it?

"However, I do not want to be called by that name ever again. Or at least not until we kill Lavos."

Glenn stood there, glaring at Magus. "If thou art truly out to slay Lavos. I shall spare thee until-"

"Hold on a sec," Magus interrupted. "I want to get rid of that annoying accent my magic gave you." He snapped his fingers and a blue spark raced towards Glenn's throat.

"What was that, you weirdo?" Glenn yelled, then blinked at his own voice. "I sound like me again!"

Oh yeah, that's how accents work. They're not gradually acquired through exposure to another dialect, they're just turned on and off through magic.

"But why didn't you change him back to human, too?" I asked.

"When I attacked Lavos, he drained most of my spells and magic power. I don't yet have enough strength to return you to full human form."

Also because Magus is kind of a dick.

"Then when we beat Lavos?" Glenn asked.

"We'll see."

We spoke with Magus some more, then headed back to the Epoch. We piled in, Crono piloting, and we headed for the End of Time.

Yay, Joe established a social link with Magus.

"Being powerful is like being a Lady, if you have to tell people you are, you aren't"

-Eleanor Roosevelt, First Lady.

Kind of like how Bardic never fails to seize an opportunity to inform his audience how much stronger he is than the other characters (except Magus if he's feeling generous). He frequently has characters compliment him or whatnot. I'm guessing that means in real life, he isn't.

But you already knew that.

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Post #16

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post Apr 18 2015, 04:27 AM
This chapter of course, begins with an author's note.

Oh, and sorry I didn't get this up sooner. I was busy with some engraving stuff.

Yeah, engraving Magus' likeness into your chest.

Quick Quote Quorrection: The previous chapter's quote was not said by Eleanor Roosevelt, this is my mistake as I was trying to recall the whole thing from memory. The quote was instead said by Margaret Thatcher.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 16

The Chrono Trigger and the Black Blade.

By: Shadic the Hedgehog

AS we re-entered the End of Time, Spekkio came running up to us with urgent news. He was different this time: I was already seeing him as a pink Nu. Wow, I was already the equivalent of level …

And yet you still couldn't destroy Lavos before Lucca was killed, despite it being very easy to solo his boss fight at that level even without your dragon god powers.

"Guys! Somethin' black, sharp, and thin just showed up in my room, and I think you guys have something to do with it!"


We followed him back to his room and there it was, laying in the middle of the floor: the blade of the Murasamé . "I've already had Ayla and Robo try to peel it off the floor, but it wouldn't budge and I thought maybe one of you… Wait a tic, where's Lucca? And who's the Shadow Mage?"

"Didn't Gaspar tell you?" I asked. "She died, defending us against Lavos. As for him, this is-"

”Who Lucca? Oh she's dead. Corpsified and everything. Now let me introduce you to my new best friend...”

"MAGUS!" cried Marle from behind me. I turned and saw her, crossbow loaded and aimed at Magus' head. "What did you do with Lucca!"

"I did nothing, you silly girl," Magus replied coolly. "The girl's undoing was her own. As they say-"

"Play with fire and you get burned," I finished. "And don't speak so nonchalantly about her again. She saved your life, and your sister's too, y'know. Oh, and right then you were 'playing with fire.' Particularly the flame standing right beside you."

That was the most convoluted threat/insult/comeback I've ever read.

"My apologies, Master Firestorm." Magus sneered as he bowed mockingly. I was about to blast him with a fireball, since I was getting a little pissed.

"Um, guys? There's still a magical blade sitting in the middle of my floor. So if you don't mind, SHUT UP!" That immediately did the trick, as we all stared at the outburst from the Master of War.

Oh man, Spekkio's getting all sorts of mildly angry. If he shows any more emotion than that, I might say that he's developing a personality.

"Fine," I muttered. "Let me give it a try, it used to be my father's sword after all." As I headed for it Crono suddenly remembered something.

"That's right! I just remembered you mentioning the disappearance of your sword when we met you!"

Hooray! Crono made an independent observation! Proud of you, buddy.

"And it seems it had an unusual reaction to the Mammon Machine when it re-appeared, turning into the Murasame." I finished my short walk and reached down for the sword. I tugged and tugged, but it wouldn't budge. Finally, I transformed to Barog, in hopes that his immense strength would let me rip the sword of the ground. But to no avail. The friggin' thing wouldn't budge! I was about to blow the floor around it away when I was suddenly incased in ice. Very PAINFUL ice. I changed back and shattered the ice with a small Flame Shield, drying myself at the same time.

Why didn't you just use your Icebane technique to melt all of the ice?

"Pitiful," muttered Magus as Glenn took his turn. I glared and he knew not to say anything more. Glenn was just as successful as I was, even touching the blade with the Masamune didn't help.

That's odd. Touching tips almost never fails to get some kind of reaction.

Magus then shoved Glenn out of the way. "Let me handle this." And the moment he touched the blade something happened.

There was a sort of anti-light shining (or unshining?)

So darkness?

from the sword, making things appear as they would in a film negative (freaky experience I don't wish to repeat) and two figures appeared. Exact mirrors of Masa and Mune. Speaking of them, they instantly materialized from Glenn's sheath, the Masamune vanishing temporarily.

"Mura! Samé!" exclaimed Masa and Mune together. "What happened to you guys? You just suddenly up and vanished!"

More like they just suddenly up and existed.

They went to hug their brothers, but jumped back quickly, smoke rising from where they had touched.

"We were sealed within the Mammon Machine," explained one calmly. "The Queen believed that in order to attract Lavos, she needed a source of extreme magical might."

"Dat's right, yo," said the other. "We was sealed 'til that sword stuck inta da machine. Oh, 'n' it seems we been changed, dude."

Oh my god. Leet speaking cars and ghetto sword spirits. What an experience. Can't wait until something vaguely racist happens.

I stared in disbelief at the "Gangster Finori" until his brother spoke up. "Samé is correct. We have apparently been transformed into exact polar opposites of you and other magical beings." Ah, so the Vulcan was Mura and the gangster was Samé. Good to get that cleared up.

"So, what now?" asked Glenn. It was odd hearing him talk like a normal person. Well, except for the cloak.

"Like our bros that you with, ya gotta beat us up ta get us ta go with ya," Samé explained. "We gotta fight, dudes."

I believe that outside of African American Vernacular English, this process is referred to as a “jump in.” Perhaps instead Joseph should attempt to entrance them with his lyrical wisdom, and only if that fails should he engage them in fisticuffs.

"I see," I replied. "And are there any special rules to this fight?"

"You must fight us using the same number of people, if not the same party, that you fought Masa and Mune with."

"There were four of you, if I remember correctly," said Masa, counting off the number on his four-fingered hands. "Crono, Joe, Marle, and Lu…cca…" He finished stutteringly, as he glanced in my direction.

I patted him on the head, "Don't worry about it. She'll come back soon enough. We just have to get the Chrono Trigger from Gaspar and a clone from Nornstein Bekkler."

Which makes your fits of rage and sulking in the past few chapters look rather foolish, does it not?

"Oh." He looked puzzled. He and Mune turned back into a sword and re-sheathed themselves. We prepared. Crono sent Glenn out to bring Robo in, letting Marle stay for the fight. We were still one over, and so Magus, Crono, and I engaged in a game of Janken. We went for it ten times before Magus finally won with a scissors, pitting me and Crono against each other. I won in three tries, using paper over Crono's rock.

Crono walked dejectedly over to Spekkio, who wouldn't allow himself to interfere with this fight, and crossed his arms to watch. It was actually kinda funny to see him grumpy, this being the first bit of adventure he didn't participate in since our first trip to 65 mil. BC.

Yeah, what a whiny emo bitch Crono is for not participating in part of his titular adventure. Selfish wank stain that one.

Mura and Samé led off the attack with an Antipode spell on me. I shuddered as I froze, getting hurt a little by the ice, only to be healed when the fire freed me!
Apparently Barog's fire immunity/healing crossed over to me completely after my transformation.

Either that or the Supa Hot Fiah that Same' spits is good for the soul.

I blasted Samé with a Point Flare, but it didn't seem to do anything. Magus was using a Dark Bomb on Mura, but also to no avail. Robo used his Uzzi Punch (Which I didn't even know he knew) on Samé, bloodying up his face to a pulp.

I added on to Robo's attack with a Kamehameha Blast, but when the smoke cleared, Samé was good as new! Magus and Marle were having just as much trouble with
Mura: after Marle shot him full of bolts, Magus would use Dark Bomb and the bolts would fall out of him without leaving scars!

"I have a hypothesis," said Robo. "It appears that Mura and Samé are healed by any form of magic. Let us concentrate on physical damage instead."

"Right." We all nodded and Magus pulled out his scythe robe and wizard's hat.

"I'm not very good at martial combat," Magus muttered.

"What's this?" I mocked. "Humility? Well, now's your chance to get better!"

It was at that moment that Magus wondered whether poison or smothering with a pillow would be a more satisfying end to Joe.

I charged forward with the Crystal Blade, going right into a Sonic Blade attack, which I combined with Robo's Uzzi Punch so that after I made one pass, he would grab me and pull me back. I called it, afterwards, the Boomerang Blade.

Magus was dancing around Mura, slicing him aplenty, while Marle aimed around him, putting more bolts in Mura. Eventually, Mura and Samé jumped back.

"Yo' good! But now we get serious, dudes!" You can guess who that was.

Jesse Pinkman? Get the hell out of here before this story stains your soul worse than any amount of meth.

Magus raised an eyebrow, "Now you're getting serious?"

"That is what my brother said," replied Mura.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

I think he was trying to make a wise crack about your mother but got lost in thought.

"Watch." Mura and Samé jumped to opposite sides of the room an did their own Finori Fusion, only instead of a dark hole appearing where they were to show, it was a bright light that faded away to reveal MuraSame.

MuraSame? More like More-a the Same. Vote Nader!

Marle healed us at the start of the battle, I moved over to Robo and Magus and explained a triple tech we could do naught but physical damage. Magus didn't like the idea, but went along with it so that we could get this over with. Robo grabbed Magus and I by the arm and we ran to either side of the spotlight in the center of the room. Marle, who had overheard us, jumped onto Robo's head to stay out of the way and distracted MuraSamé for us with her X-bow.

Magus and I nodded to each other, then to Robo, who began a Laser Spin, arms still out, I held out my sword as Magus held his scythe. And we began flying about the room. I changed into Barog partway to get some aerodynamics from my wings, while Magus had his cloak (I didn't hurt that he could hover, too). Robo's Lasers, being non-magical damage, sliced right after our blades went by, cauterising the wound after we made it. We finished and MuraSame began teetering, but quickly recovered.

So this great triple tech you conceived was just flying around and hitting stuff. No wonder Sephiroth was surprised by your tactics.

Marle had been stationary on Robo's head, and worked on sniping MuraSame in the head. There was a quiet twang and the bolt appeared right between his eyes. He went cross-eyed and fell backwards, fading into sparkles as he went. The sparkles gathered together in two different spots and coalesced back into Mura and Samé.

"You dudes ROCK!" exclaimed Samé. "Not even those soldier peeps in Zeal coulda done dat!"

See, Same's not even acting “gangsta.” He's speaking with a slight dialect. You can walk down the street in Birmingham and hear this type of conversation.

"I concur. You deserve to hold the Black Blade of the anti-magic sword," Mura bowed and he and Samé vanished back into the blade.

”Check out my mixtape!” Same shouted as he disappeared into the blade.

"Now we just need to find the hilt," I muttered. Then brightened as Magus handed me the blade and a weird-looking pin.

"The pin is known as the Shadow Badge, and was next to the Murasame when I found it. It seemed to have the same effect on this sword as the Hero's Badge does on the Masamune."

Not that it matters much considering he pretty well shat on Frog's storyline in the game, but Bardic seriously missed the point of the Hero's Badge in this game.

"Thanks. Now, let's go talk to Gaspar about getting Lucca back!" We all marched out of the room and surrounded Gaspar, I was putting the blade into the Bag of Holding and changing back from Barog as I walked. I put the Shadow Badge on and approached Gaspar.

"It seems you've been through quite a lot," Gaspar muttered. "And yes, I have a Time Egg right here." He held out his hand and I held mine out as well, but he didn't put the Chrono Trigger into my hand!

"What's the deal? Give it here so we can revive Lucca!" I was starting to get mad, and flames began whirling around my arms.

Throw another temper tantrum you spoiled brat.

"Before I do that, let me ask you this: Why are you going to revive her? What does she mean to you?"

"I… I'm not sure…" I muttered. The flames died down around my arms and I looked into his eyes.

"I see. Just by looking into your eyes, I can tell." He grinned and reached out for my hand, then placed the Time Egg in my palm. "Go. And don't forget your feelings. Don't give up what you hold dear."

God, that's so anime it hurts.

We walked over to the pillar for Leene's Square and activated it. Next stop: Nornstein Bekkler.

"He who does not live in some degree for others, hardly lives for himself,"

-Michel de Montaigne

If you want something to sound profound, just attribute it to me.”

-ded philosopher man

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Apr 20 2015, 07:21 AM

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post Apr 20 2015, 07:57 AM
Happy 4/20 everyone! I hope everyone is getting sufficiently wasted on all of those dank kushes. Time to celebrate by sitting back, injecting some reefer and criticizing the work of a fanfic artist. Welcome back to A Step Onto Chronos, the double decker sandwich installment!

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 17

The Hilt of Darkness and Lucca's Return.

By: Shadic the Hedgehog

"Okay, fine. We'll play your stupid game," Magus conceded. He had been arguing with the past half-hour with the disembodied head and hands of Nornstein Bekkler. He had finally given up when we told him someone else would be actually playing it. Crono stepped up and while he did pretty good, we still ended up paying Bekkler a thousand gold for the clone. I grabbed Crono, who was about ready to punch the guy (that was half our gold, gone) and headed for the Gate, Magus and Robo close behind.

You're this far into the game and you only had 2000 gold on you? The word “scrub” gets overused, but Jesus.

After reaching the End of Time Robo stayed behind while Marle decided to join us (Lucca was her first friend outside the castle, besides Crono, of course). Magus decided to take a look at the Great Book of Amber, since Robo had told him a lot about it and he was intrigued with how parts of it sounded similar to the things he learned in the library of his castle, so Glenn came instead.

Ladies and Gentlemen, we'd like to welcome you to the premier bad writing event of the year! Welcome to Wall-Of-Text-Mania!

We jumped into the Epoch, Crono still piloting, and took off for "The Future." We landed near Keeper's Dome and Glenn was about to head inside, to talk to Robo-Belthasar. I told him that wouldn't be necessary, I could tell them everything they needed to know about getting up Death Mountain.

How is this fic 27 chapters? You skip any sort of world building or plot detail by the fiat of “I'm Joe I know everything I'll explain it,” so it's not that. At roughly 7-10 pages of text per chapter, I've had to have crossed the 100 page threshold by now. What on earth have you been doing for all these pages?

As we reached the base of the mountain a powerful gust of wind hit us, throwing us to the ground. I climbed to my feet when the winds died down and dashed over to the cliff face, turning into Barog to dig my claws into the rock and hold myself steady. Crono and Glenn followed suit with their swords pulling some spare ones out to have one sword in at each step. Marle hung onto Crono to carry her up the mountain. We scaled the first obstacle in a way the game would never allow us to.

Besides jerking yourself off, I mean.

After getting past the extreme wind, I shifted back and we continued our trek. We were inside one of the caves when we encountered our first Lavos Spawn. I warned the team against attacking the shell or using any area attacks, because the counter-attack would hurt. We finished the battle when I shoved my sword through its eye and charged flames into its insides, effectively blowing it up. Continuing our travels, we came across the slippery path. Glenn cast Wind and carried us across so the we wouldn't fall to our doom below. We encountered another Lavos Spawn on the other side and summarily defeated it, Crono's finishing spell shattering the shell to miniscule pieces. We got lost a couple times as I tried getting us to the last obstacle and Lavos Spawn.

This reads like a SomethingAwful Text LP of Chrono Trigger, except without any humor, insight, imagery, and Joe is fucking there.

When we finally reached the Spawn I cautioned every to be even more careful. We needed the shell to be mostly intact to reach the summit and get Lucca back. That decided, entered the battle without using any spells. We were having a harder time with it than usual. The Spawn was firing some sort of quills at us that slowed our movement through pain and then s/he would shoot us with lasers like a miniature "Destruction Rains from the Heavens." Without our spells the Spawn seemed to be getting the better of us and if it wasn't for Marle and Glenn using healing magic we would have already lost. Then I remembered something that made me smack my forehead: Glenn could just carry us up the little cliff with his magic.

Glenn presumably could've taken you completely up the fucking mountain. And yet you chose instead to subject us to these mammoths you call paragraphs.

I pointed at the eye of the Lavos Spawn and fired a stream of white-hot flames into it, too hot for the eyelid to stop for long. As cracks began appearing across the shell I stopped, as I was getting tired and my skin was turning black from being charred by my spells. I fell to the ground, taking an abnormal liking to the coldness of the snow on my burnt skin. Marle used a Megalixir we had found in one of the chests on the way up here and we waited for the shell to cool off before pushing it to the incomplete climbing rocks on the wall. Glenn, Crono, and I approached the shell and just as we put our hands on it to move it, it crumbled into little bits. The others glared at me 'til I mentioned my backup plan. Glenn smacked his own forehead (which was pretty wide thanks to him being a frog still) and lifted us to the summit. I took the Time Egg out from my coat pocket and held it up to the moon. It rose up and I closed my eyes.

I'm struck by the lack of dialog in this chapter. Every bout of text has been “we did this and x felt this way and then y happened then I, Joe, made everything better.” It's just boring. Like, all of Bardic's stuff is shit, but this isn't even cringingly bad. It's just dull. I'm just sitting here thinking “say something stupid so I can make fun of you,” but it's impossible to break through the tedium of these mountains of text.

'Please… Let Lucca come back with us unharmed,' I prayed. The Chrono Trigger shattered above my head and I opened my eyes to stare at the moon as it eclipsed with a red shadow. I felt like I was back on the Telepod what seemed like ages ago, and I was suddenly standing in a frozen frame of time.

It looked as it did when I was standing up, arm outstretched towards Lucca, whose flames were feeding Lavos' Eye. Magus was collapsed near his sister and Queen Zeal stood haughtily above it all, laughing her head off. My thought at the moment was for a black marker to mar Queen Zeal's face with. But then my thoughts returned to Lucca. Crono pulled the Lucca Clone from our Bag of Holding and got ready to put it where Lucca stood. I pulled Lucca from where she stood, the black-and-white tone everything had fading from her as she collapsed in my arms. The instant Crono put the clone in the right spot and position, I expected us to return to Death Mountain's Summit immediately, but it wasn't happening. Then I noticed a spot of brown in all the black: the hilt of the Murasame. Glenn saw what I was looking at and picked it up for me, then we appeared on Death Mountain. I laid Lucca by the small tree on the summit and sat down beside her, waiting for her to wake up.

8 paragraphs. They were monsterous, but only 8 paragraphs for the entire Death Peak/Reincarnation scene.

"Wha-what… happened to me?" she mumbled as her eyes opened slightly.

"We just saved your life," I replied.

”What's that? I absolutely did not shave your wife!”

"It's been three days since you tried sacrificing yourself for us. Never do anything that reckless again."

"Gotcha… I just feel… a little sleepy…" she closed her eyes again and relaxed. Her breath became soft and even and I smiled at everyone else.

"Let's get back to base, guys. Lucca's gonna need some time to recover." Glenn nodded and flew us down to the Epoch which we took back to the End of Time.

I don't understand how this is fun to write.

"Fate makes Fools of us all,"
-Cain, author of Chrono Continuum icybrian dot com. Thank him for the Beginning of Time thing I've only referenced so far.

A/N: Sorry the chapter's so short, but I've had a bit of writer's block recently. I'm sure the next chapter will be longer!

This was a waste of a chapter. What should have been one of the most compelling events in the game is as dry and heartfelt as a Dictionary entry. Fuck you, Bardic.

Alright, whatever. This was too short and all I did was rant, so chapter 18, let's go.


Shadic: Hey everybody, this chapter was actually fairly impromptu. It'll take me a while to update the next chapter, as I'm trying to figure out what order in which to do the side quests. trying to make it logical. Well, enjoy what I've got!

We went to Magus' castle (now Ozzie's fort). After defeating all of the enemies we got the weapon and went to Cyrus' castle. Marle and Lucca puked at all of the decaying carcasses but then we got Frog's Masamune improved and went to the future. My car was still there and then we completed the Geno Dome in one shot. Or we would have if I cared anything about Robo (fuck Robo!).

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 18

Corwin of Amber and the Beginning

By: Shadic the Hedgehog

Disclaimer: Haven't done this in a while, but CT isn't mine, nor are the characters of the Amber Chronicles or the Slayers anime series.

Why stop with the Slayers crossover? Why not have Goku and Vegeta also stop by this train wreck to tell you about your secret Saiyan heritage?

However, the Invincibles and their separate forms do belong to myself, Lord Tobies (screen name), and, not-related-by-blood-but-still-my-little-brother, Frank Look.

Both of whom were found dead in their apartments shortly after the publishing of this chapter, scrawling vaguely legible notes of apology in their blood for having contributed to this fic.

As we reached the End of Time, I laid Lucca down next to the wall and sat down beside her sleeping form. Next thing I knew, Magus' shadow was above me. "What is it, Magus?"

”Nothing, I was just watching,” Magus said without breaking his stare.

"I have something to speak with you about, as well as a small trip to my castle library for a book I'm quite sure you'll find intriguing." I noticed that in his right hand he held my copy of The Great Book of Amber. "So, will you come with? It will only be us on this trip, so that the others won't be overly alarmed until we're sure of the answer."

"What answer?"

"Whether Corwin of Amber in this book," he waved the book, "is the same person as the one who drew the Progress of this world."

I'm still kind of unsure who your audience is supposed to be. As a hardcore CT fan, I could follow along despite you describing NOTHING about the original, but with all of this “Corwin of Amber” stuff, you seem to be aiming for that rare person who happens to be a fan of both completely unrelated stories.

Glenn approached from the side, "I had my suspicions about the stuff you know since you mentioned the Progress on the Black Bird."

"You slimy toad, what are you doing here?"

"Frogs have better sense of hearing than most humans. I could hear you from across the room."

I don't think that's true, as it's almost a word-for-word quote from DBZ, but I'm going to do as little research as you apparently have.

Robo appeared as well, "The same holds true for robots, such as myself. There is little you can hide from us."

”Plus I wanted to be part of the story again.”

Glenn glared at Magus. "You're taking me and Robo with you. First off to make sure that you don't attack Joe, secondly to find out the answer as well."

I laughed a little, "Come on, guys. We all know Magus can't really destroy Barog Firestorm. Plus, I don't want this conversation to get so loud…" I glanced at Lucca.

Finally, we all agreed to go together to Magus' Castle (I wasn't even sure it was still standing, mind you), telling Crono that we were going on a minor side-quest that shouldn't take too long. We opted to take the Epoch because then we could land right on the castle grounds. Magus lead us all inside, grabbing a torch so I wouldn't use up any magic unnecessarily. He wasn't sure if any Mystics were left, and if they were, he wasn't sure if we would have to fight them.

It's totally reasonable to expect to have to fight your own army. You know, the one that worships you like a god.

Oh wait, that's right, Bardick decided to skip the statue thing in the Cathedral chapter. Silly me, thinking that relevant details would have been mentioned.

We made it to the library without much trouble, and Magus lead us over to the book he was talking about. "This is a history book I had with me when I was brought to this time period. Thusly it contains knowledge that other history books wouldn't. Here, look at page one hundred fifty one along with this section of your Great Book of Amber."

Located right next to it was Howard Zinn's A People's History of Guardia, which also contained knowledge and repeatable platitudes that other history books wouldn't.

"They both detail the drawing of a pattern using a gem called the Jewel of Judgement!" I exclaimed. "Only real difference is that the history book calls the "New Pattern" the Progress, which is in line with my own awakened memories. That means…"

"Perhaps your world has more anchor in all the realities than any other, because you say it had details of this world in a game, and it had this book." Magus tapped The Great Book of Amber, "Those two things are amongst how many other types of 'fictional' stories on your world?"

"I've never counted them… But perhaps you're right. It says in The Great Book of Amber that the Shadows where the families of Amber and Chaos reside become more real. Perhaps the fact that I was living there had caused it to become one of the more real Shadows. But that doesn't explain how it would have been in contact with other Shadows."


So Joe's reality (which is like our reality except you can just boil your blood to cure any sickness) is the realest reality because he, the fire-dragon-god of creation, lived there. This is evidenced by the fact that Joe's reality includes Chrono Trigger's reality as a game and the Amber Chronicles as a book series. The entirety of the universe was created in the Amber reality, but for some reason that's not the realest reality because it cannot be the same reality as the one Joe is from. Obviously since Joe's reality has every fictional work ever made, this means that any fictional thing in Joe's reality is actually real, meaning that he can shoehorn in any crossover he wants.

Granted, this is all based on a fictional cosmology I'm not familiar with, but at this point I have to applaud the sheer audacity of making your Universe a Mary Sue as well.

Robo's eyes blinked as he reached a conclusion, "Perhaps there was another? Or a descendant of Chaos or Amber?"

"Could be…" Magus nodded. "Now, why don't we deal with the raving masses at the door?"

Careful, they might break their glowsticks and make you eat the green stuff.

"Right." There had been sounds coming from the other side of the Library door, a the sounds of massing Mystics, actually. Perhaps they were being driven mad by the overflow of Lavos' power when he opened the Time Gate in the basement.

Nah, they're probably just raving on E.

Whatever happened, they were blocking our way out.

"It was a good thing we insisted on coming along, then, huh?" Glenn croak-chuckled.

The door burst open and I quickly transformed into Barog. I put a shroud of fire on my Crystal Sword and charged, but was surprised at the creature I saw: it was one of those large, yellow, winged beast that you fight in the Black Omen… Hold up - I slashed the creature in two - there was a problem here! The Black Omen didn't rise as we took off in the Epoch back when we recruited Magus, but it must be here now, otherwise the creatures wouldn't be here! We fought our way out of the castle, myself at the point to at least weaken the monsters as we escaped.

Oh hell, I totally missed that plot hole. Or at least I would have were I not conditioned to Bardic leaving out extremely important details like that on a regular basis.

We piled into the Epoch as fast as we could and I hastily turned the Time Dial to the End of Time. I pushed "y" and we took off, the sides of the ship being bombarded by the Black Omen's laser systems. Just before we broke the Time Barrier, we were hit just right to send us bouncing around, Robo's shoulder hitting the front dash. The time travel engine cut in and we were gone, but there was a problem: the ship was shaking progressively worse.

"What the hell is going on?!" bellowed Magus.

"How the hell should I know?!" I yelled back. "This didn't happen in the game. Travelling to your castle wasn't even possible after the fight!"

”But I bet that this is somehow all Robo's fault!”

Suddenly, the Epoch began to drift off course, the shaking so bad it was as if we were under fire again. The port wing began to dip and it touched the edge of the Time Stream Tunnel, a wake appearing behind it in the fiery edges of the tunnel. The turbulence became worse, until finally we were ripped away and spun out of control, throwing us all over the ship itself.

I woke up and immediately closed my eyes again. I hadn't felt that blinded by light since the we drank Dizzy Juice way back when. Geez, that feels like ages ago… I groped to my forehead to get my shades to find them missing. There was a booted foot sitting two inches away from my skull, though. I tapped harshly on the person's
leg (it wasn't Robo, thankfully fuck Robo) to wake him up.

"Nnngh, wha-what happened…?" I recognized Glenn's baritone croak. "Gah! My eyes!"

I have to imagine that ”Gah! My eyes!” is Frog's normal morning greeting whenever he sleeps with Joe.

Sleeps around Joe, I mean.

"Sorry I didn't warn you about that. I'm not sure what's going on, but it's either really bright out there, or we're both drunk."

"You are not drunk," beeped Robo. "It really is that bright out there."

”Fuck you, Robo. Who are you to decide whether or not I'm drunk? That's a decision between me and God!”

"Hey, Robo, can you find my shades? They're missing from my forehead."

"They're on my face," Magus muttered. "And they're not helping as much as you would want them to."

"Damn. Well, I guess we'll just have to get used to it, then."

"Actually, why don't I just dim the lights a little for you," this was a voice I didn't recognize. I could tell, even with my eyes shut, that the brightness surrounding us had faded a little at least. "It should now be safe for you to open your eyes without fear of permanent blindness."

”The radiation still might kill you, but eh, details, details.

"Thanks." I opened my eyes slowly and with much blinking. The light was still powerful enough to make me want my sunglasses, like a day without clouds. My shades were thrust into my hands, and I looked over at Magus as I put them on. He had his own pair of sunglasses on, only they had purple rims as opposed to the red ones I wore. He produced a third pair with a smirk, these with green rims and shaped kind of oddly. He tossed them to Glenn who stuck them on, grinning from eye-to-eye. Robo lowered his own sort of refractive lenses over his eyes when he saw us. We all climbed out and glanced around where we had crash landed.

Why does Magus have the power to create sunglasses? And why did he steal Joe's when he had this power?

It was a platform, much like that at the End of Time, though it was much more open than that platform. The light, as noted before, was also different, being completely opposed from the dim gloom of the End of Time. There was no Lamp Post in the centre of the platform, that was one bit of difference, another was that of other doors there was but one. I found the man who had been speaking standing just to the left of me, so I asked him who he was.

"So, who are you, and when the hell are we?" I demanded, grabbing him by the shirt collar. Of course, I'm not sure what it was he was wearing on his upper torso, but shirt will do for now.

See in the preceding paragraph you make it seem like you asked like a normal person, but in that bit of dialog it comes across more like you're shaking him down for no reason.

"My name is of no importance, and I welcome you all to the Beginning of Time," the man smirked. Magus whipped his scythe out across the man's throat.

"I don't care how unimportant your name is. You will tell it to us. NOW."

This violence all seems very unnecessary.

"Very well, Prince Janus 'Magus' Zeal, you may call me Xelloss." I dropped him and he brushed off his purple robes. "I know all of you. Barog Firestorm, Glenn 'Frog' MacDougal, R66-Y 'Robo' Prometheus, and Prince Janus 'Magus' Zeal."

Nominating “Xelloss” for “Most Fanfiction Name of the Year.”

"Just how do you know of this? And what is this Prometheus designation you have assigned me?"

"Oh, sorry, you haven't done that yet, hmm? Then I guess that's a secret." Xelloss raised a pointer finger to his lips and smiled secretively.

Is that a Haruhi Suzumiya reference? Ok, cool.

"So, why are we here and not at the End of Time?" asked Glenn, hand on sword.

"You were closer to this end than that."

"And how did you get here?"

"That's a secret." he put his finger to lips again.

I'm not mad, and I can't even find it within myself to be disappointed. If anything, it's fitting because if there's one character as obnoxiously self-important as Joe, it'd be Haruhi Suzumiya.

Magus put his scythe up again and Xelloss suddenly appeared behind him, a staff with a gem at the top next to his neck, glowing with power. Magus growled under his breath and shrank his scythe back into a simple two-foot cylinder.

Quit lying. Six inches is considered average.

We followed Xelloss into the other room, he promised that he would have the Epoch repaired while we were talking in the back.

The room was filled with weapons. "Whoa. This place is loaded."

"Yes, isn't it. I know Mr. Spekkio gave you access to the magic in your blood, but there is a bit more power that can be given here, at the Beginning. These are facsimiles of your greatest weapons. You might find others that are better later, but they shall serve you for a time." He moved over to the rows of weapons and started plucking down assorted types. I noticed a couple of them that were fairly odd: One that was just a hilt, as if the blade had been simply… pulled out. The other oddity was a small cylinder just slightly shorter than Magus' scythe became. I knew it wasn't another scythe for Magus because Xelloss had pulled out a full-length scythe as well.

Yeah, keep arming the people that just threatened you. That's smart. You're an intelligent person, Mr. Fanfiction.

He laid the weapons out on a table in the centre of the room. "There is a weapon for everyone in your party, except Glenn 'Frog' MacDougal." He pointed at the Masamune. "Because the Beginning of Time shall not appear on your Time Dial, no matter how far back you turn it, we have weapons for those at the End of Time. From right to left, the weapons are for Crono Trigaru, Nadia 'Marle' Guardia, Lucca Ashtear, Barog Firestorm, R66-Y 'Robo' Prometheus, Ayla Ioka, and Prince Janus 'Magus' Zeal."

So Lucca, Magus and Robo's names are canon (kinda), Marle and Ayla's make sense, Frog's is completely made up yet inoffensive, but what the hell
kind of surname is “Trigaru?” It looks ugly just typing it.

The weapons were the cylinder, a strange crossbow that seemed to send a song to my mind, a glowing pistol, the bladeless sword, a pair of black robotic arms, a pair of metal-lined gloves, and a scythe with a skull on the top and badass flames on the side.

Magus looked at Xelloss, "Why are you doing this? Why give us these weapons?"

Xelloss put his finger to his lips and said, just as coyly as before, "That's a secret!"

Here's a secret: You're gay.

Robo beeped and turned to me, "None of the weapons appear to be dangerous. May I put on the new arms now?"

"Of course. We have these new weapons, why not use them?" I reached for the bladeless sword and suddenly heard a roar from off to my right. I looked and there was a dragon, shaped like a large dog, slung low to the ground, running into the room. It started growling and roaring, and I could understand it as if it spoke actual words.

"Lord Firestorm! Away! Those weapons are cursed! This one seeks to trick you!" Xelloss opened his eyes and glared at the dragon.

What a random thing to suddenly happen.

"Wretched animal!" His voice had lost all its playfulness, and had turned so poisonous, I thought I should use Purify right then. "If I was at full power, I'd kill you right now. Be grateful I'm not! Unholy Water, get them out of here." and he vanished in a sphere of Dark Flames, as a formless creature of water and ice formed and charged at us.

"What was that about?" asked Glenn, as we ran out, to get away from the thing.

I wish I knew.

"I don't know. But the dragon recognized me. Called me Barog…" I answered, then looked around. "Where are Robo and Magus?"

The dragon flew out the door behind us and rolled across the ground. He stood up and limped over, whining. "Lord… Firestorm… Your friends… they took the weapons…" The dragon coughed up blood that splattered across the floor.

"How were the weapons cursed?" I said, kneeling down.

"The weapons control the holder. Make them fight their friends. Dark Flame had me trapped, but I managed to get out before he did too much harm. He intended to destroy you before you fully awakened."

It's a good thing Joe is a Mary Sue or else their combined efforts might pose a threat.

Glenn tapped me on the shoulder and pointed at the door. Magus and Robo stood together, eyes glowing a bright red, visible behind even Magus' shades.

"Crap. Glenn, they aren't themselves right now. We have to get rid of those weapons."


"The weapons were cursed by 'Xelloss.' Actually, I don't think that's his name at all. I think that was my worst half."

As ridiculous as his fake name is, at least Xelloss was a bit more imaginative with it than “Hugh.”

"You'll have to explain it all later. Right now, we have friends to disarm." I drew the Crystal Sword as Glenn pulled out the Masamune. "I've got Magus." Glenn grinned maliciously.

"Fine, I'll fight Robo. We've got the greatest wizard in history, and the most powerful robot in the future, this will be tough. We don't want to kill them, but I have the feeling they want to kill us."

That's one thing me and them have in common.

Magus charged, swinging the scythe at me. I blocked the blade in time for Robo's now black fist to knock me away. Glenn jumped up to swing at Magus' hands, as I stood up and spit a bit of blood out. Thankfully my teeth were still intact. I flew towards Robo and sliced at his arm, hoping it would come off, but he slid out of the way, faster than he should have been able to move.

"Joe! Magus is doing stuff he shouldn't be able to do since Lavos drained his powers!"

”Tell him to play fair!”

"Yeah, Robo jut moved faster than he should be able. I think the weapons increase their power. Too bad they had to be cursed." I dodged an Uzzi Punch from Robo and struck back, trying to at least cut the chain holding his hand, but he pulled it back too fast. Suddenly, there was a blast of fire over my shoulder, and it pushed Robo back.
I glanced at the source to see the dragon, standing shakily on three legs. "Thanks." I turned back and used Cross-slash to try and paralyze him.

Glenn told me later that, even though he was glad to fight Magus, he wasn't doing very well himself. He was pulling out every trick in his repertoire to try and disarm him. Not even Wind 2 could pull the scythe away. Meanwhile, I now had a partner fighting alongside me in the form of the dragon.

That weird, random dragon with no name.

Robo turned to face the dragon, and opened his body, revealing his lasers. There was a whine as the lasers charged up. I dashed to cut off his arms, and was suddenly shoved out of the way by the dragon as the laser fired. I watched the dragon's body fry and fall to the ground. If Robo was himself, he'd suggest dismantling himself for such a senseless killing.

Yeah, Robo, you're only supposed to kill people Joe tells you to. Like Ryan from gym class.

Myself, I was mad at the fact that such a friend as the dragon was killed.

And yet for some reason the idea of Crono getting killed didn't phase you.

I decided to try a technique from Final Fantasy VII, the summoning of Pheonix.

I charged the flames around me with as much energy as I possibly could, concentrating on the image of the Pheonix. "Pheonix Flare!" I yelled, hoping that the idea worked. I felt a warmth, not the burning of the flames I was using, but a comforting warmth rise through me and spread throughout the room. As I had hoped, the visage of a flaming bird rose before me and sang a soft note that soothed my few wounds.

The Phoenix thing worked in Final Fantasy because it's a mythical creature. All you did was make fire in a bird shape, and of course it works because it
would be slightly inconvenient if it didn't.

As the flames spread from the Pheonix, the cursed weapons began to crack and fall apart and the red light faded from Magus' and Robo's eyes. Magus grabbed his head while Robo fell to his knees. I looked over to the fallen dragon to see that his body was burning. The Pheonix whispered a hello and good bye to me, with Barog's name, and folded in on itself. I walked over to the ashes of the dragon and kneeled. I saw an egg inside the ashes and smiled. He would be fine, with time.

It's a shame that detail has no context or I might be able to follow along.

I glanced over at Glenn, who was looking slightly miffed. "Well, guys. Pick up your old weapons and we'll go."

Robo blinked. "I'm afraid that I'm armless and can't pick anything up."

I laughed as Magus went into the back room and came out with Robo's arms and his folded scythe. "We'll get Lucca to re-attach them, don't worry. Now, let's hope Dark
Flame did get the Epoch fixed, or we're tuck at the Beginning of Time."

Wait a minute. “Trigaru” is supposed to be “Trigger” in Japanese speak. Motherfucker. You literally named him “Crono Trigger.”

We walked over to the Epoch, and saw it was sitting on the lowered landing struts and completely fixed. There was a tall blonde guy standing there, wiping his brow, standing beside a girl with steel-grey hair and a wrench.

Well here's our Slayers cameo. Rah.

"There, we got it done," said the guy.

"Yeah, but why'd you make me help you?" muttered the girl.

"Because I'm, uh, what's that word…"


"Yeah! That's it! Dark Flame said that he would have the ship fixed and you wouldn't do it on your own, so I had to get you to do it!"

"Oh, Creation, why'd he have to give you his conscience?" The girl put her hand on her forehead.


"Umm, who are you guys?" Glenn blinked.

The girl whipped around. Her skin was covered in stone, as grey as her hair. The guy turned slower and looked at us with a blank stare.

The guy looked us over and said, to the girl, "What did Dark Flame say for us to be call ourselves?"

The girl smacked him upside the head with the wrench before replying. "I'm Zelgadis, that idiot is Gourry."

I looked closer at them and came upon a realization. "You're the Spoiled Earth and the Cursed Wind, aren't you?"

Oooh ok. They're not actually Slayers characters, they're just Bardic's OC's pretending to be Slayers characters.


"Shit! He figured us out. Wind, get out of here!"


"Just do it, dammit!" The Spoiled Earth sank into the floor, leaving the wrench, and the Cursed Wind waved dopily before vanishing into the air. A stone hand reached back up and grabbed the wrench, pulling it into the ground.
Robo checked over the Epoch to make sure that it wasn't overly tampered with, finding it completely fixed and ready to go. So we piled in and travelled to the End of Time.

Well that happened. I don't know why it happened, but it did.

Along the way, I explained everything to Glenn about the Dark Elementals:

Oh cool story time. I was hoping to read about Chrono Trigger characters doing stuff, but something far less inspired is cool too I guess.

"The Dark Elementals are the opposites of myself, Frigida, Gaia, and Kaze. Usually they're combined into Absolute Evil Elemental, so that they can cancel out the problems caused by our recombining. You see, a long, long time ago, there was a war amongst the stars, between Creation and his brother Tailies. Somewhere along the line, they were forcibly split into Earth, Flame, Wind, Water, Tobies, and Tailz. After that, the four elements wandered away to make things, while Tailz and Tobies, the Power and Reason of Tailies, began fighting.

This seems like a reskinned version of Greek mythology. Which would make this story the Iliad. I feel sick.

"After a while, Tailz realized he couldn't win on his own and decided to ask, well, us to help him. However, Tailz wouldn't allow anyone he was working with to have a chance to join his brother, so he asked us to split off our evil. The reason we're full-fledged gods, instead of half of each other, is because of our spiritual war-wounds, which healed when we split. Anyways, that's when the Evil and Holy Elementals were formed. They were the Light and Dark Flame, the Holy and Unholy Water, the Blessed and Cursed Wind, and the Pure and Spoiled Earth.

I looked up some of the finer details and could find nothing. So this pretty generic backstory is 100% Bardick. I'm sure that surprises none of you.

"The Evil Elementals joined Tobies as quickly as we had pledged allegiance to Tailz, and so began another leg of our long war. After who knows how long, the Pure Earth finally lost his patience and decided to get something from our evil selves. He absorbed the power to kill, but now that we were whole creatures, and people cannot be more than a hundred percent of themselves, something had to be taken from the Pure Earth, and he lost his courage. Next, I stole the Dark Flame's destructive capabilities, and he took my emotional control, hence my emotional problems. Holy Water got the worst deal, because, while he managed to get amazing cunning, he became so frickin' arrogant that he proclaimed himself the best at everything.

I mean, you throw temper tantrums and the other dude's a coward, but this guy's got it way worse because he's arrogant.

Finally, Blessed Wind had a good idea, and forcibly gave Cursed Wind his conscience for Cursed Wind's intelligence, hence 'Gourry's' stupidity back there."

Ok, I get that. But why were they pretending to be Slayers characters?

When we arrived at the End of Time and disembarked, Lucca was awake and talking to Crono. Then she looked over and saw us. "I'm not awake for more than an hour, and you've already got work for me! As she got to work on Robo's arms, she said that Crono told her the whole story of our adventures after she died and before we resurrected her.

Man that must have taken all of five seconds.

I filled in some of the blanks and when she was done, Gaspar gathered us around for a quick meeting.

"In the immortal words of the DnD players manual version 3.5, page 88, column 2, paragraph 8, line 6, word 3: 'the'"
-Firbealvn, the Academy of Magic Forums. (A/N: I've checked this out. It's true!)

And so with that debauchery, we leave this chapter knowing a bit more than we wanted to about Bardic's unoriginal characters and their backstories. I don't know how any of this ties into Chrono Trigger or the Amber Chronicles, but continuity is for pussies anyway.

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Apr 20 2015, 08:00 AM

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Post #18

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post Apr 24 2015, 06:18 PM
A/N: Sorry this took so long, I recently got a job, and had writer's block to boot.

And the Prom is tomorrow!

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter 19

To Fix My Sword

By: Shadic the Hedgehog

Once we all gathered around Gaspar, he began his speech. "By now, you realize that you are the only ones who can defeat Lavos. However, you are still not yet strong enough to defeat him. There are people and places that you can help out that will make you stronger. First, in the year 600, is a woman trying to bring a forest to life through sheer determination, there is also a shell of every hue. In the year 1000, the ghost of a knight seeks respite. In 2300, is a stone whose light shines for generations, and there is turmoil in the place where robots like Robo are created. Finally, by taking out the Black Omen you will weaken Lavos himself."

Having now seen over 150 pages of this dreck, I get unwarrantedly happy whenever you plagiarize now.

I turned to everyone and said, "I say we first train to fight the Demon Elementals, now that they've reared their ugly heads. Then we'll need to work on the Epoch's lasers to take out the Black Omen's lasers before they cause any more problems. I'd also like to get the Murasame fixed."

Yes, Joe, please add more needless sidequests and digressions to this story. How about one where you go to the doctor so he can prescribe you the biggest does of Get A Life he legally can?

"How are we supposed to train to fight them?" asked Crono. "If each one is just as strong as Barog..."

"Actually, I'm not sure that they are," Glenn commented. "Just before Dark Flame warped away, he commented about not being at full power."

Chapterly reminder that Joe is stronger than everyone. Glad we got that out of the way early.

"He couldn't even kill the Blood Dragon that Robo incinerated three minutes later," Magus said off-hand. Robo flinched, while Glenn glared at Magus.

That was actually kind of funny. I doubt it was intentional, but good work, Bardick, you got a chuckle out of me.

"Anyways..." Lucca practically hissed. "How are we going to fight them?"

"Well, it doesn't matter how strong their attacks are if they can't touch us. So, we're going to train on re-directing their attacks, or, like if Dark Flame were to attack Marle, who doesn't have control over fire, creating walls to keep the attack away."

...That was almost a finished thought.

The next several pseudo-days were spent entirely in training for most of us. Robo, Lucca, and I were also doing our best to re-wire the Epoch's lasers, so that the front passenger could aim and fire on their own, with great precision. Finally, everyone managed to block Spekkio's spells except for the strongest, like Luminaire, Dark Matter, Flare, and Halation. And damn, Halation sucked. It caused all of us to have absolutely no strength left to move. As it turns out, one aspect of the Lightning element was Light, allowing Crono do bend Robo's lasers, even though they did Shadow damage. That was one surprise for all of us.

Yeah, it's a surprise for me too, because it makes no fucking sense.

A couple hours later, Robo and I finally got the lasers movable, and Lucca sent off a couple of practice shots, to make sure that it worked and was more-or-less moveable. In case you're wondering how I was able to help out so much, all I really did was turn into Barog and use my wings to work underneath the Epoch. I even managed to learn more about technology.

Have you learned that you can't turn off a car while it's in drive yet?

We rested one more day, then I gathered Marle, Ayla, and Glenn to go with me back to AD 1000, because our elements matched the four basic elements, and we were the best at turning attacks (except for Magus, of course, but he already had practice).

So fire, water, ice and “earth.” I think you're missing one or two there, knowing fantasy elements.

Marle manned the lasers, since she was the greatest marksman in the group. As soon as we made it out of the time tunnel I veered left, narrowly dodging the first laser burst from the Black Omen. I swung low to the ground, allowing Ayla to grab some boulders with her magic.

I know that's been retconned, but I really really want to shred him for it.

Marle took out three of the lasers with a single shot, and when the next volley was fired from the Omen, Ayla stopped them with the boulders she grabbed.
Eventually, we got all of the lasers, great columns of smoke rising from the fortress' sides. I slowed down and dropped in front of Melchior's house. The instant we got out, we drew our weapons and kept an eye out for any monsters from the Omen or the Demon Elementals. We made it to the door of Melchior's house. There was a piece of paper nailed to the door. I ripped it off, and growled as I read it.

"The occupant of this house has been placed under arrest on the following charges: one: Being a weapons smith without a permit; two: selling said weapons without a merchant's licence; and three: Repeated offences of... being human?! And it's signed 'Ozzie the XIII, Lord of Medina.'"

”And look, underneath it has a postscript: 'PS, Joe is not the coolest.'”

I ripped up the letter and burned the scraps. "That's as far as I need to read. We're going to destroy Ozzie the First! Let's go back to the Epoch. We're headed for AD 600."

We quickly shot through the time barrier, and Marle once again got ready to fire the lasers. When we emerged on the other side, though, what we saw shocked us all. The damage we were about to do to the Omen was already there. Smoke pouring out of wounds we weren't going make for another four-hundred years!

"What the-?" said Marle. "How is this possible?"

It's not. Bardick's an idiot.

"Maybe Black Omen so scared of us, it hurt self before we do!" Ayla offered.

Good job, Ayla! That must have been a toughie. Why don't you go get a juicebox to celebrate?

"No, I don't think so," I replied.

"That still doesn't explain why the damage we did in the future is present here," Glenn pointed at the door. "That scar was caused by our laser. None of its own could turn back that far."

"The Black Omen is like a stone in the stream of time. It isn't affected by time forward or backward. If, later, I were to stop by the Omen in 2300 and write 'Lavos is a pile of space shite,' it would show up all the way back in 12,000 BC."

Bardick must have huge hemorrhoids from how much shit he pulls out of his ass.

"So, why can't we see the Omen at the End of Time?" asked Marle.

"Or at the Beginning of Time," added Glenn.

Or access it at 2300 AD. Or better yet, why can you fight in the Omen multiple times by going back in time?

"It's not at the End because time will never catch up with its End, and the Omen is still limited by time, just not affected by it," I answered. "It's not at the Beginning because it didn't exist then. It has a finite beginning of its own."

”Limited by time, but not affected by it.” What a load of horse shit. Just man up and rewrite your story when your continuity errors are so blatant that even a moron like you can pick them out.

I finally got to Ozzie's Fort after wandering about for a while from Magus' Castle.

Well gee, Joe, I wonder if Ozzie's fort is the giant black building we fought in before, or the ONLY OTHER giant black building on this map?!

Landing, we got out and stared down the building. "Hey, Marle, or Glenn, I want one of you guys to go get Magus, and maybe Crono. Ozzie uses Lightning magic, so it might be good practice for him."

Marle opted to go, and I was glad to see that someone other than myself was able to fly the time machine, as I was beginning to wonder. Barely two minutes later, the Epoch had landed again. Marle had brought both Crono and Magus, and for some reason, Lucca was there, too!

But oddly enough, not Robo!

"Lucca? Why'd you come along?"

"Oh, come on, Joe. I've been dead for a while, and wanted to get out of the End of Time, continue the adventure. Besides, I'll be needing some practice, too!" Lucca chirped.

"Fine, fine. Let's go."

"Not yet," Magus commanded. "Why'd you drag me along?"

Better question is, how could he have bared to be without you for more than five seconds?

"This is Ozzie's Fort. After we took him down in your castle, he ran away to here. I was thinking you might like to see him. Also, your best equipment is in there."

"Hmph. Fine, let's go." Magus strode forward with an arrogant stride. I sighed and walked in after him.

As soon as we entered, Ozzie said, "Come on in! This is the Great Ozzie's Place! ...What in the-?!" He jumped back a little and looked mortified. "M-Magus?!"

I love how Ozzie's just greeting them like he's having a get together, and then he reacts to Magus being there the same way you'd react to an ex being invited to your house party.

"Hn. You seem to be doing well, Ozzie," Magus had the biggest smirk you could get without it being a smile.

"T-the nerve. Deserting your fellow Mystics to work with these humans. You are a traitor! You're no king..."

Ah, I see. Magus is totes over everything, but Ozzie is still harboring some resentment. Unhealthy, that's what that is.

He floated off the ground then drifted away. We glanced around at each other and followed him in. The first wide-open room, in which I thought we fought Flea, but I wasn't sure. Ozzie stood by the exit, between two candelabras.

"You're following me, huh? Well, then. Allow me to show you a gift from the Black Omen! Tubster, rise!"

'kay. That's different. I don't know why you decided to change that up, but then again, why should I?

A bright yellow light appeared from the floor, coalescing into a yellow version of the Heckran. Ozzie once again floated off.

"Alright, Joe. Any special strategies against this guy?" asked Lucca.

Besides two things at once?

"Not really. He counter-attacks at everything, and since he's a Black Omen monster, he's going to be strong. Use your strongest attacks!"

He also absorbs Shadow-type spells, so Magus was not a wise choice.

Magus grinned and muttered, "Gladly..."

He made some mystical gestures and pointed at the Tubster.

The Tubster was greatly offended by his mystical gestures and retreated to his livejournal.

A black dome erupted from the monster's feet and then faded away, leaving some black stuff on it. Tubster retaliated, simply swinging its claw and cuffing Magus from across the room. That got the rest of us going. I threw a simple Point Flare, Glenn threw his sword so that it was spinning through the air, using the wind to guide it back after it chopped through Tubster (he calls the attack "Boomer Blade"),

”Boomer blade.” Jesus Christ.

Ayla charged forward, jumping on its head and gnawing it with Cat Attack, Lucca and Marle threw an Antipode 2 at it, and Crono used Supreme Cannon.

After all the attacks finished up, there were some minor scratches, and some holes that were already scabbing over. I ran forward for a Sonic Blade, while at the same time, Crono and Glenn used a X-Strike, causing us to hit him in formation. Magus followed up with a Dark Bomb and the energy filled in the holes and new scratches, sealing them up. Lucca threw a fireball, not noticing the healing, and burned its shoulder, causing it to counter-attack.

I noticed both of these and yelled to Magus not to use anymore of his Shadow-type spells, since they apparently heal it.

Ok, so you did know about the Shadow absorption thing. You just chose not to bring it up until because...?

However, his other element spells could be used with us. Glenn built up a whirlwind that Crono and Magus tossed Lightning 2 spells into. After that, Lucca, Magus, and I used streams of fire from three sides that almost managed to destroy it. To finish it off, Marle formed a giant icicle with Ice 2 that Ayla grabbed and spiked into its chest.
The thing roared, and disintegrated like a normal enemy.

”Joe leveled up! Joe can now use Fire Spirit Bomb Kamehameha Supernova Dragon Punch!”

As soon as it was gone, Magus headed through the door, forcing the rest of us to play catch-up. In the next room, Ozzie stood on a balcony, while beside us, two conveyor belts were moving along.

"Howdy," Ozzie greeted us. "You are quite strong, I'll admit. But anyone trying to take MY treasure shall be harshly dealt with!" He turned and started cranking, two Blue Ogres emerging from the holes next to the conveyor belts. Everyone went for their weapons until I held up my hand.

"Don't bother. Ozzie's not very good at making traps on his own."

"Got that right," scoffed Magus.

”He also has an extremely small penis,” Magus continued.

Sure enough, once the Blue Ogres hit that conveyor belt they were carried on over to the hole on the other side and dropped through. "Oz-Ozzie's in a pickle!" He shouted, before turning around and running.

”Tch, if only,” replied Magus bitterly.

We entered the next big room, and approached Ozzie, who was once again standing between the candelabra. This time he was reallygrinning.

"The Tubster wasn't our only gift from the Black Omen. I'd like you all to meet Slea!"

Everyone looked at me and I shrugged. This was new. There was a spinning thing forming in between us and Ozzie. When it finally appeared, We gasped (except for Ayla, 'cause she didn't know who it was to begin with, and Magus, because he was just too cool). Slea was Flea and Slash joined at the shoulder!

So for their fusion name portmanteau, you chose “Slea,” which sounds like something I would shovel off of my drive way after a party, over the equally appropriate and better sounding “Flash?”

"When you brats sliced off Flea's arm and broke Slash's, the Black Omen combined them into one being, with both of their powers!" Ozzie announced. "Let's see how you deal with this!"

The Black Omen's a fucking spaceship, how did “it” do all of that?

Ozzie floated away again, and we were left with the bizarre Slea. Slea created a pair of swords out of Fire and Ice, the two magic types Slash and Flea used. Slea sliced towards me with the Ice Brand, while the Flame Tongue sliced at Crono.

Slea said, with both heads at once, "Double Demon Fang!" as a two different elemental waves of energy flew at us. I jumped over the wave and sliced down with my blade as Crono rolled around and sliced horizontally. Slea slid backwards, leaving some sort of minor after-image effect, and our swords hit. Slea flew up and backwards before diving in our direction with Ice Brand pointed at us, accompanied with a shout of "Rising Falcon!"

Slea then urgently shouted “Super Ultra Penetrating Double Cum Blast!”

That wasn't an attack name, he just got very excited.

The frozen air around the attack struck us both and I took major damage from the ice. Next to attack were Ayla and Glenn, with a new dual-tech that they had learned when training at the End of Time. It was called Desert Storm, and they whipped up a small whirlwind of sand that had Slea trapped in the center. Coming out of the whirlwind, with a cry of "Omega Tempest!" was Slea, with a vertical spinning attack. S/he struck Glenn with the move, then turned and knocked Ayla back with an attack called Raging Beast.

See, the problem with the Desert Storm attack was that they didn't go far enough. Yeah, they completed their objectives, but they really should have pursued Slea further.

Magus, Lucca, and Marle teamed up for a new triple-tech, which they called Acid Mist. Magus had regained enough magic to use his Dark Mist, and when combined with the energy from an Antipode attack, it became a dangerous mist that could take off skin. Thankfully, it was Spekkio they had tested it on, and he has the regenerative abilities of the Tarrasque from Dungeons and Dragons.

He's also the God of War, but I guess that wasn't good enough.

Slea screamed in pain, then retaliated by chanting a spell of some sort, a bright greenish-blue circle appearing under hir.

Flea's a dude, Slash is a dude. Combined they are a double-dude. There's no need for those pronouns.

"May the merciless embrace of frost take thee. ABSOLUTE!" A spinning sphere of cold energy appeared and whipped out with tendrils of ice, freezing everything it touched. Suddenly, Marle was glowing with a light blue aura. The sphere started slowing down, but it wasn't stopped that easily. Then, Glenn started glowing yellow and the spell finally stopped and condensed into a little ball of cold. Glenn and Marle pulled their arms back and the sphere flew between them. It started growing bigger and they threw it back at Slea with a cry of "Frozen Tundra!"

Slea then countered with his best attack: As Opposed to the Other Types of Tundra!

Just before the attack would have hit, Slea sliced it in two with the Flame Tongue. The two halves hit the candelabra and pillars of ice appeared over them, the candles still glowing inside. Slea charged forward and performed the same movements as Rising Falcon, but instead had the Flame Tongue pointing down and calling out "Rising Phoenix!" The searing heat was felt by Magus as well as Marle, Lucca, and Glenn.

Crono, Magus, Glenn, and I moved into position for one of our stronger combo attacks: Twilight Cross. Crono coated Glenn's sword with lightning, though it was more made of light than electricity, and Magus surrounded my sword in darkness.

Frog got his sword covered in light, and you got yours covered in the absence of light. I feel like Magus is rusing you at this point.

We flew past Slea with an X-Strike type maneuver, and were stopped by hish own swords. The powers of Ice and Darkness, and Fire and Light clashed with each other. In struggling to get through and finish the blow I roared in rage, fire spiralling across my body until I stood as Barog. I applied pressure and the Ice Brand shattered, darkness sliced through the Slash side of Slea. Glenn, at the same time, used his wind magic to suck the oxygen out of the air around the Flame Tongue, completely erasing it without its fuel,

Or causing a fucking backdraft.

--and the light struck Flea. Marle and Lucca used the opportunity to combo a Delta Force with Crono, aiming it into a beam of tri-elemental energy that pierced through the bond holding Slea together.

Slea flew back, not entirely broken, and landed with a shudder. The two heads looked at me and Magus, before proclaiming us a blight upon our fellow Mystics.

We scoffed at the monstrosity, both telling it that we were never Mystics to begin with. Magus explained that he was using them to exact revenge against Lavos, whereas I mentioned that I was far greater than any Mystic hoped to be, since I was Barog Firestorm.

And also half Saiyan, half Namekian and half Harry Potter.

I began laughing, full of one emotion: Pride.

"You were always fools apart. I guess it didn't make a difference when Zeal turned you into Slea. Contrary to what everyone says, two heads are not always better than one," Magus told hir.

Kicked your stupid ass.

At the name "Slea," they visibly bristled. "It's Flash, dammit! We've- I've told Ozzie that hundreds of times, and he still hasn't gotten it!" They then were surrounded by a wave of fire and ice, then disappeared.

So Ozzie is apparently competent enough in this universe to have gotten powers from the Black Omen, but somehow isn't competent enough to figure out a good fusion name?

We all took a minute to recuperate and drink some Elixirs that Spekkio gave us. I mentioned the secret room in the next room, along with Ozzie's poor trap for a treasure. We walked in and completely ignored Ozzie's taunts about his treasure, and just as we walked by, a Mystic appeared and went for the chest himself. When the guillotine sliced up the green imp, Ozzie stopped and gaped for a moment before saying "Oz... Ozzie's stumped! Outta here!" and vanishing. We went into the secret room and grabbed Magus' Doom Sickle, Gloom Helm, and Gloom Cape. He donned them and Crono grabbed the Full Ether from the chest, muttering about a mystic's life was lost just for an Ether.

Yeah, so, as I was saying, Ozzie and them are a far greater threat in this reality than in the normal game, but they are still comedy villains?

We walked into the final large chamber, to see Slea/Flash and Ozzie going at it verbally until they noticed us. They agreed to stop arguing until we were dealt with, and turned towards us. Ozzie started out throwing up a large blue shield, though not as good as the one he usually hides under, Magus noted. As we beat down on it, I over heard three voices speaking in unison: "Infinite powers, grant me thy strength," it was being repeated several times. We broke through, and saw a large, mostly colourless circle around the three, er... two casters. They finished the spell and pointed at us speaking two last words. "Meteor Storm!" The whole fort began to rumble as the air filled with meteors striking all around us.

While I was certain that this would have normally been a non-elemental spell, I detected a definite fire attribute to it, and Ayla started throwing them around, showing that they included earth as well, and Glenn managed to push aside some others with his wind spells. I leaped forward and smashed the ground, casting a circle of flames that I turned into a net and caught several meteors in it. The heat was so intense, the meteors started melting, allowing me to fuse it into one big meteor that I smashed in front of Ozzie.

It's like reading Axe Cop, except instead of being a silly story written by an imaginative five year old, it's supposed to be an epic crossover novel written by some sad, delusional teenager.

I would have hit Ozzie if he hadn't floated backwards at the last second, but then in my current state of mind, I wasn't thinking about "would haves" or "what ifs," I was only focused on one thing: I missed. That fact alone ticked me off to no end, and I charged in, sword aflame. Slea/Flash blocked my sword with a re-made Flame Tongue. I greedily absorbed the "sword" and grinned before slicing off Flea's head from the combined body. Magus came in behind the now one-headed chimera and sliced off Slash's head, looking very much like a Grim Reaper.

Next, we all turned towards Ozzie who was sweating up a river. He flew out of the room faster than a bullet, not even saying something like "Ozzie's in a jam." We chased after him and saw him in a room with three switches on the wall behind him.

To clarify, what's happening now is basically like what would happen if Team Rocket stopped fucking around, got a machine gun, killed many people and stole actually useful Pokemon, and then still acted like utter halfwits when Ash and gang (and a self-insert named Joe) showed up.

"M-Magus! How could you! You said you wanted to create a world of evil!"

"I used you," Magus stated frankly. "My only goal was the destruction of Lavos. Say, do you hear that? It's the sound of the Reaper." Magus flashed his scythe with an evil grin.

"I-I can't lose. If I die, what will become of the Mystics?"

Yeah, will Magus be willing to accept custody? Find out next time on Days of Our Lives.

I snorted, "They'll be taken better care of than your descendants could have done."

They'll probably be taken to a foster home, and repress all of the trauma your divorce and subsequent death caused them until they're older and a
comedy routine dredges up the bad memories and they take it out on someone dear to them.

I mean what?

Ozzie shivered and covered himself in his impervious shield. I lazily took aim at the far left switch on the wall and shot it. A hole appeared in the ground beneath us and everyone who couldn't fly or at least hover dove off to the side. Ozzie laughed from beneath the shield before taking a peak out from underneath. I smiled as he ducked under again.

I then heard a meow from behind us and simply waited for the orange cat to walk up to the switch on the right and push it. Why the cat was there, I didn't know and didn't exactly care. I was simply letting my prophecy from back in Magus' Castle come to pass. Ozzie screamed as he fell, somehow dying when he landed in his basement.

That's where Bardic lives!

"There. The future has been changed. Let's go get my sword fixed." I turned back into myself as I turned, then suddenly realized I wasn't standing on the ground. I was hovering over the hole in the ground. "Oh, shite."

Tex Avery is rolling over in his grave.

I started to fall, but then Glenn cast Wind and held me up. I thanked him and we walked out of the fort together. We sent Magus, Marle, Ayla, and Glenn back first then
Glenn returned to pick us up and go to the End of Time. I cleared my throat and reminded Glenn that we were headed for Melchior's first, to get the Murasame fixed up.

We stopped by and Melchior was home this time. The Murasame was easy enough to fix, using the left-over Dreamstone to make it even stronger. Then we headed back to the End of Time to prepare for our next adventure.

Man, I'm glad this entire sidequest and a half was resolved in two paragraphs. Shit, without Ozzie's Fort it'd be a miracle if the entire Murasame plot hole was given that.

"Blame your fate,"
-Kratos Aurion, Tales of Symphonia.

The Tarrasque is a monster that has the ability to regenerate even if you burn the body and scatter the ashes to the farthest reaches in the world. It's also one of the few Colossal size monsters, and has the ability to swallow anything smaller than itself whole.

If only Ozzie were capable of that, the sordid affair at his castle never would have happened.

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Post #19

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Gender: Male

post Apr 28 2015, 05:54 AM
A/N: Sorry this took me forever to get out, but I was having a rather severe case of writer's block, combined with yet another story idea (although I'd like o continue "My Story" I've decided I can't figure out where to go with it, and it's being discontinued), and on top of that, I've been on a job hunt for the past several months.

sry 2 teh fans of 'as tep on krono' but u shd not xpect as much updates as usual, i am going 2 collage and will be so caught up n my wrk tht i might not b able 2 updte as mch as usual.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Twenty

Simultaneous Side-Quests

Shadic the Hedgehog

"Alright guys, we've actually got a few things that can all be at least partially done with one trip to the year 600, and two of them are on the island of Choras," I said. "Also, I've been thinking more on the whole thing with the Demon Elementals, and I'm beginning to doubt that they'll show up again. Black Flame, or 'Xelloss' as he seems to be calling himself, was probably just trying to keep me from awakening, not knowing that I already had until I transformed. Actually, now that I think on it, the Blood Dragon said something to that effect."

So remember that whole chapter filled with flashbacks that set up the entire creation myth of your world? And that other whole chapter dedicated to explaining those flashbacks and dumping exposition regarding that creation myth? Oh, and that fucking dragon god thing that Joe is that has dominated the story for the past seven chapters? Yeah. Never mind guys, just joshing you.

At least we're going to stick with the story that presumably drew people to read this fic rather than a battle between Bardic and his imaginary friends.

"So we are not limited to you, Glenn, Marle, and Ayla?" asked Robo.

Yes, Robo, you can come out of your cage now.

"Right. I still want Glenn on this trip, because it involves the ghost of Cyrus, but otherwise the other two spots are open."

"I'm going!" called out Lucca. "Like I said before, I've been dead for a while and I wan to get back in the game!" I laughed a bit before I reminded her about her world being a game in my world.

"What are the tasks you'll be working on?" asked Crono.

Frog is in the background unphased by the idea that he's going to see the ghost of his long dead friend. A typical reaction.

"Firstoff, we'll be repairing the Hero's Grave, and at the same time I'll talk with Toma about the Rainbow Shell. Then, once the grave is fixed up, we'll head to AD 1000 and power up the Masamune by having Glenn talk to Cyrus' ghost, as well as actually getting the location of the Shell itself. Then we return to 600 and clear out a path to the Shell that Guardia's troops can use to get the shell out of the cave and watch over it for us. Finally, we'll help with the replanting of Fiona's Forest and Ill go help make the Sun Stone quest easier."

"Sounds like a full plate," commented Lucca. "Maybe we should take everyone there and split up to get everything done faster."

But if you split up then how will the team Joe's not on function?

"That's a pretty good idea," Crono nodded. "Glenn, Joe, Lucca, and Magus will be fixing up the Grave site, then, while Marle, Robo, Ayla and I will go through with the Rainbow Shell."

"Why should I be in the same group as him?!" demanded Magus and Glenn simultaneously, pointing at each other.

"Fine, we'll switch Robo and Glenn and switch tasks, sheesh. The tough part will be sharing the Epoch for time travel."

”Why should I be in the same group as him?!” demanded Joe, pointing at a crestfallen Robo.

"Why don't you guys head out with the Epoch. We'll go through the Truce Canyon Gate, then once most of you are unloaded from the Epoch, send someone over to us with it." I suggested. "As long as we don't try to time travel, we should be alright with squeezing five people into the ship, right?" Everyone agreed to the idea, and we set the plan into motion.

As my group entered town to wait for the Epoch, some of the villagers started panicking. "Help it's Magus!" "I thought he was dead!" "Hurry, call the guards!"
”Woooo, Spring Break!” Eventually the streets were cleared of people save for the four of us, and I could have sworn Lucca and I had sweat-drops on our heads, much like any anime character.

"Well, it appears that I'm as infamous as always," Magus smirked.

"Yeah, well, don't get a big head," I admonished. "We're just supposed to wait until whomever Crono sends in the Epoch shows up to take us to Choras."

Lucca suddenly said, "Hmm. I wonder why, in my time, the ferry only goes to Domino and back, and not to Choras. That would be far more useful."

Valid point. Equally valid point: There's no “Domino” in your time.

"I dunno, but it was actually quite laughable in the game," I chuckled. "It cost ten gold for a ferry ride when it was faster, not to mention free, just to simply walk across Zenan Bridge."

"Really? Then what purpose was there to include it?" asked Robo.

Well if you accept Bardick's logic of it taking several days to cross the continent, a ferry makes sense in the “real” game world. Also, because it's cool.

"In the original version of the game, Zenan Bridge was unusable until you beat Zombor and crossed it in this time period, so at the time it was only way between the cities."

...what? That's not true.

...Is it?

sigh Hold on, let me get my DS.

"The Epoch approaches," Magus announced. "And the frog is driving."

I wasn't entirely sure how Magus could tell that Glenn was the pilot, though I noted that he called him "dumb frog" or "stupid toad" or whatever. Magus was proven right when the ship landed and Glenn got out. As we walked over to meet him I saw people peeking through their curtains, their faces full of hope upon seeing Glenn. 'They probably think we're here to fight it out. Wait'll they see us get in with him!'

"What took you so long?" snapped Magus.

With that kind of attitude it's no wonder you and Ozzie didn't work out.

I'm still looking. I just got distracted by Chrono Trigger not being terrible for a change.

Glenn gave a melodramatic sigh. "Crono was taking too long in deciding who would pilot the ship, so I took the initiative and flew over myself."

Let's just get going." Magus had already swung himself into the driver's seat, cape fluttering dramatically. I got in on the passenger side while Lucca and Robo sat in the back, with Glenn on Robo's lap. I glanced at one of the windows that ad a villager peeking out and laughed, turning my hand into a claw to wave at them. Their face turned paler than a sheet and the ducked back in. I laughed harder, before wondering if I was getting too malicious.

Yeah, so Bardic is full of shit. You absolutely can go across Zenan Bridge at the beginning of the game. I don't know how he expected to get away with that, but the revelation that he is once again abjectly wrong about something in this game despite being able to research it makes me so mad that I am just going to keep playing Chrono Trigger.

That'll show him!

Magus was rather good at flying for it being his first time in the pilot's seat, and we made it to Choras in what seem to be no time at all, which made me chuckle again as I remembered that we were flying in a time machine.

”Hehe, nice one Joe.”

“Thanks, Joe.”

Thankfully, the people of Choras had no idea who Magus was, which disappointed him terribly, though were far more curious as over what Robo and the Epoch were than anything else.

"Okay, something I want the grave team to remember: when you see a weird-looking black chest in there, shine the pendant on them, but don't open them."

"Why not?" asked Marle.

Who said you could ask questions, bitch?

"Because those chests are as much stones in time as the Black Omen, at least until the pendant anchors them to the timeline. After doing that, when you go back through the grave in 1000, you can open the chests to get better items that what you could back now."

Robo then surprised me by taking the next words right out of my mouth. "Also, when you return to this year, you can open the chests again, because they are still there."

How dare that motherfucker make a logical observation without Joe holding his hand?

Lucca and I stared at Robo for a moment before Crono protested, "but wouldn't that cause a paradox or something? I mean, we'd already have the items from the future, and when we take them from the past, they'll be gone from the future, so we couldn't have taken them, so we wouldn't have the items from the future... Or something like that."

That's why you don't open them in the past. Jesus, Crono I'm beginning to see why you needed Joe to explain everything to you.

Lucca shook her head. "If it were that easy to cause a paradox, we'd already be stuck in one. When Marle vanished in Guardia Castle AD 600, it was because she no longer existed, yet if that were the case, you wouldn't have bumped into her, Crono, plus her pendant wouldn't have been there to activated the gate in Leene Square using my TelePad as a power conduit, and neither of you would have gone into the past. And since neither of you would have gone into the past, she wouldn't have not existed because things were unaltered from the original timeline, which would have caused what we know happened to happen, which would have then caused them selves to not happen, and so on and so forth."

Sigh. As I see Bardic floundering around screwing up even the most minute details of the story, I'm coming to the realization that he may not have actually played the game. It is entirely possible that all of the “literature” knowledge he has, from Chrono Trigger to Corwin of Amber, has been delivered second-hand through other people's fanfiction. This would also explain why most of the exposition in this story sounds like it was ripped or copied shorthand from a walkthrough. Just a theory for the time being though.

"Anyone else head hurt?" Ayla asked, looking thoroughly confused. Glenn raised his hand to agree and Marle followed suit.

Petition to name the separate groups Team Joe and Team Short Bus respectively.

Crono clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. "Well, we'd best get to our tasks."

"We'll probably use the Epoch first, because it won't ake that long to talk with Toma," said. "Oh, and when we get back, we'll have the tools for the job."


"You'll see."

We split up, Crono's team heading north for the Hero's Grave and mine for the Mayor's house, where Toma was getting the funds to find the Rainbow Shell. We watched for a little while, then followed Toma to the pub in which I talked to him about the Rainbow Shell thing. Once that was done, I ordered a bottle of so alcoholic drink (I forget which one) and we went back to the Epoch.

You could look down at the label. Or, of course, Bardic could look it up on Google. Hell, ask your fanfic friends you steal from, why not?

"What's that for?" asked Lucca.

"We pour it on his grave and his spirit, in thanks for the spirits, tells us the co-ordinates of the Rainbow Shell." Magus palmed his face at the bad pun, while Lucca chuckled silently.

Robo simply kept staring forward, as any reaction would only invite Joe's antipathy.

We got back in the Epoch and I initiated a time jump to AD 1000. Upon arrival, we landed right next to the North Cape of Choras and I did what I said I was going to do.

Huh? I'm sorry, that skip in train of thought even lost me.

But rather than simply tell us the co-ordinates, he gave us a psychic vision of where the island was.

We got back in the Epoch and, instead of jumping straight back to 600, I flew over to some guy's house, where I asked his wife if I could borrow his tools for a project I was working on.

That statement sounded so stupid without the game's context.

She stared at us for a moment before sighing.

"My no-good husband doesn't do any work anyway, so I'll just give them to you. He goes to the pub everyday and doesn't come home until late at night, and by then he's always too drunk to even stand straight." She continued this rant all the way to the kitchn and back out, where she handed us the collection of tools. I thanked her and walked back out to the Epoch. We arrived back in the Middle Ages just in time for Crono's team to emerge from the workman's house, looking rather annoyed. I hopped out of the Epoch and handed them what I had gotten from the future carpenter's wife. "There you go. Now you have the tools for the job. But first, could we get a fifth person to return the Epoch once we get to the Rainbow Shell?"

Why did you split into two groups again? Was it just to give them busy work so they wouldn't try to swallow something?

Crono was a little miffed that he hadn't figured out what my riddle had meant before, but volunteered to drives there anyway. Then Magus raised and interesting point.

"If these people have the Epoch over here, how am I-, that is, how are we supposed to return to this continent?"

Innocent number confusion or Freudian Slip? You be the judge.

I pondered this for a moment, then got the idea to just send a flare up when we were done, and once every hour after that, so that they could find out if we were done. If they were done first, they'd be on the island proper.

The Lucca said, "And if worse comes to worse, I'm sure we can just persuade Joe to carry us back as Barog." Everyone agreed (except me, I didn't want to think of having water that close to me while trying to carry something) and then we took off. It was a short flight, and we all got off quickly, though I had to wait for Lucca, because she had decided to sit my lap for the journey.

Oh yeah, I almost forgot that Lucca was his love interest, seeing as they have almost no chemistry beyond these random anime moments. Then again, Frog also sat on Robo's lap earlier, so interpret that how you will.

As soon as the ship took off, I realized I should have had Crono switch with Robo, because the cave was full of dinosaurs. I didn't say anything though, because we still had magus with us, and he was capable of wide-range attacks of Fire, Ice, and Lightning. We got lost a couple of times in the caves, which were far more expansive that in the game (not to mention I had always gotten lost in there while playing the game anyway) but thankfully after defeating the first fifty or so dinosaurs, the rest decided we were more trouble than it was worth and stayed out of our path.

I managed to find the Blue Stone to teach Lucca, Robo, and Magus the Triple Tech Omega Flare (only then realizing that I actually had the Omega Flare team with me). Unlike the game, the Stone wasn't equipped to one of them allowing them all to use it, but rather shone a brighter blue before disintegrating and fusing with my teammates. Right after it happened, Magus grinned, then turned around and blasted a hole in the wall with a blast of pure Shadow magic.

Eh, seems like a typical Magus thing to do.

After what seemed like another day of wandering (but my watch said was only five hours), we came across an enormous cavern containing a beast just as large: the Rust Tyrano. Lucca jumped when she saw it.

"Holy... How did that thing manage to survive this long?"

Yeah it is odd. You'd think Joe would've stuck a fork in a light socket as a kid and ended it all by now.

"You mean that is the Black Tyrano from Tyrano Palace?!" I replied. "That would make it over 65 million years old!"

Even Magus looked shocked at that as he asked, "A beast that old? How could it survive?"

"I can only think of one explanation: since Tyrano Palace is where Lavos made touchdown, its strange radiation must have actually granted the Tyrano and all the dinosaurs from the cave immortality of a sort."

It could also be a different dinosaur entirely, since the matter is left pretty ambiguous. Then again, what do I know? I've only actually played the game.

"Making him part of Lavos' leagacy, if you think about it," Lucca agreed. We both glanced at Magus as he pulled out his scythe, cape flowing majestically behind him.

"Anything created by the influence of Lavos will be destroyed. The Black Wind howls!" he charged at the Rust Tyrano, his gloves and scythe blade crackling with dark energy.

Hearing Joe tell it, you'd think all Magus did was talk about the Black Wind howling and being a badass.

I drew the Murasame and followed after, flames flowing across my own blade. I heard gunshots behind me as Lucca let loose on the monstrous T-Rex, but the bullets just bounced off, barely scratching it. Robo tried to use his Uzzi-Punch on it, but only made it more annoyed. Just before Magus and I were about to strike with our magically enhanced blades, it let forth with a roar just under Lavos' in magnitude that shook the cave to its foundations. Several large rocks began falling from the ceiling and I quickly grew out my wings so that I could dodge them, while Robo batted them away from himself and Lucca with his Rocket Punches. Magus wasn't so lucky and got struck right between the shoulder blades. He cried out in pain as he fell and I flew over to catch him before he hit the ground.

"This isn't good," I said, landing by Lucca and Robo. "It seems to have covered itself in really hard stone or something. That would explain the colour change too..."

But would it explain your use of UK spelling despite the fact that you're a filthy Yank like the rest of us?

"Weapons may be useless..." hissed Magus. "So we try using magic..."

"Right. Robo, you don't use magic, so you heal up Magus while Lucca and I keep the Tyrano busy with spells. Once he's better, I want you guys try using the Omega Flare."

Everyone nodded and we moved into action. Lucca let loose with a Flare at the same moment I did, allowing us to use Twin Flare just like Giga Gaia had back on Mount Woe. I unleashed a few of my more minor Flare spells (A/N: which makes me think that perhaps instead of "Fire" I should have had Spekkio say his element was "Flare")

Because those are two totally different concepts.

across the bridge of the over-grown dino's nose while Lucca drank an Ether. I then caught Magus starting to cast his part of Omega Flare and jumped aside. Lucca soon joined Magus in chanting, and just as they finished and threw their spells upwards, Robo leapt into the air and opened his body to reveal the reflector unit he had installed to fight the Demon Elementals.

Robo was charging a laser by bouncing it around his reflector unit and shot it just in time to intercept the black flames of Lucca and Magus' combined spell. I could tell, without having experienced the version most often seen in the game, that this was a far more powerful Omega Flare than normal, which probably had something to do with Robo's reflector unit and my other teammate's increased magical training at the End of Time.

”I've never seen the original, but trust me guys, this one was like, super double more mega powerful!”

The Omega Flare was a stream of demonic black flames crested by white-hot ones being shoved and directed by the laser coming from Robo's chest. It tracked across the Rust Tyrano's muzzle several times, melting and sometimes even sublimating (A/N: if you're confused) the rock embedded in its scales.

”A/N: if you're confused, you're a stupid baka aho,” is what I prefer to think completed that thought.

Just as the Omega Flare died away, I finished off the beast by jumping up on the beast's mouth and stabbing the Murasame through to its brain. It started to open it's mouth for one final roar, but died just as it's mouth opened, collapsing to the ground with an anticlimactic wheeze.

I momentarily left the Murasame in the head, charging enough magical fire through it that it would flow through the corpse's blood stream and turn it to ashes.

Or cure it of all it's diseases, according to your earlier use of this technique.

Once the beast's corpse was out of the way, we saw IT.

I'm sorry that you had to sit through two hours of Stephen King's worst movie. No wait, no I'm not.

It was sitting in a shaft of moonlight that came through a hole in the cave's ceiling: the Rainbow Shell, in all its glorious hues. Even being shone on by the moon made it beautiful, the splash of colours glowing softly on the walls. Even Magus seemed awestruck by the glorious beauty in front of us. We then sat down around the shell to ponder a way to get the Shell out of the cave damaging it or even having the potential for danger that carrying it out through the caves would cause.

Next thing I knew, I was waking up to be almost blinded by the now sun-caused radiance from the Shell. I noticed also that Magus and Lucca were also asleep, though Magus' sleeping spot was not nearly as embarrassing as Lucca's. Lucca was asleep on my shoulder, even though she had sat down a good six feet away from me. Robo was, of course, the only one not sleeping, and might even have been continuing to think of a way to free the Rainbow Shell.

Don't mind him. Robo's just curious about the human mating rituals and wants to observe. Poor guy's never gonna get his data with Joe around.

Robo looked my way and saw that I was awake. "I believe I have a plan," he whispered.

"That's good," I whispered back. "Let's wake up Lucca and Magus so that you don't have to explain it multiple times." He nodded and I shook Lucca awake gently. "Lucca, wake up."

"Hmm? Oh, wow," she yawned. "Morning certainly brightens the place up, doesn't it?"

"Annoyingly so," grumbled Magus, slipping the shades he had made back at the Beginning of Time on. I had quickly gotten used to the sudden change in the amount of light, but I had to agree with his next statement. "It's difficult to admire beauty when it can literally blind you."

That sounds suspiciously like an anti-masturbation slogan from the 1800s.

"Well, Robo, what's your plan?" I asked.

"It is surprisingly simple. We move the Rainbow Shell out from under this hole, then blast said hole with as much explosive force as we can muster to widen it. After that I am pretty sure we can figure out a way to lift it out."

You don't want to damage it, but your plan is to blow the shit around it up. Genius.

"Ah. Well then, I suppose that we should get to it, shouldn't we?" Flames coursed over my body, quickly transforming me into Barog for his formidable strength (though it was nowhere near Gaia's unless I was pissed off). Robo grabbed two other points than the one I was trying to keep my claws from gouging and we moved it away and behind on of the more intact boulders from the Rust Tyrano's roars.

As soon as that was done, Lucca and I started lining the hole with magic-produced bombs, napalm, and readied Point Flares. As soon as we managed to do that (quite liberally) we hid beside the Shell and I detonated all the Point flares at once. There was a massive chorus of explosions that rocked the cave enough to cause more rocks to fall from the ceiling, but Magus had covered us, including the Shell, with a barrier of Darkness that kept them at bay.

The game has a very simple solution to all of this: Let the King's Guard handle it. Your plan not only makes it more difficult and dangerous, but it's also not necessary.

I stepped out to inspect the damage to find the hole had not only enlarged, but had become a new opening for the cave at ground level, with molten rock running down the beach.

Add to that list, environmentally hazardous. We only get one Earth, Joe.

I quickly stepped into the stream of lava (still Barog, mind you) and started absorbing the heat until it solidified again. After that it was a simple procedure to slide the Rainbow Shell on the smooth stone onto the beach (but far enough from the ocean that it wouldn't get damaged in any way). Then we just had to wait for the Epoch to arrive. It took them about six hours to notice the Flares I was sending up hourly.

Whoohoo! Go Team Short Bus!

"Ambassador, do you really want to know what's going on down there?"

"Yes, absolutely!"

"Boom. Boom boom boom. Boom boom. Boom! Have a nice day!"

-Commander Susan Ivanova and Ambassador Londo Mollari, Babylon 5


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Post #20

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post May 18 2015, 02:27 PM
liek guyz im rreary soz, collage is dificut LoL! im taking basic math 1 n it's reary hard.

A Step Onto Chronos Chapter Twenty-One

The Desert Forest

Shadic the Hedgehog

It had been six hours since we left the caves when someone came to pick us up. They had just arrived back from looting the tomb in both time periods, and had powered up the Masamune when Glenn arrived to pick us up. When we returned to Choras, I explained a way to do the next set of the adventure.

”So first we have to have Marle's dad disown her by making him think we're trying to kill him, then we have—what, what do you mean we should find another way? Fuck you, this is my campaign and if you don't like it you can leave!” Joe shouted, shoving his Lucca bodypillow out of her chair.

"Our next stop is the planting of Fiona's Forest, near Domino, but we'll also need to have someone stop by Guardia Castle to have them retrieve the Rainbow Shell. I'm also planning on doing a minor solo journey to make the Sunstone quest somewhat easier. We'll want Magus and Marle for the fight in what is currently Fiona's Desert, as the boss monster is weak against Water-based attacks. However, I also think it would be a good idea to have it be Marle talk to King Guardia and a bad idea for Magus to be there when she does."

"Hmph," Magus snorted. "If it's all the same to you, oh mighty lord, I'd rather be there and explain that I'm no longer interested in their petty kingdom."

”So you guys remember all that killing, raping and destruction I caused? Just kidding, losers.”

"You'll need some way past the guards," commented Crono. "We haven't been there in a while and if they see only one of us, us being Joe, Lucca, Marle, Glenn, and myself, they might think you've put us under a spell or something and attack."

"In that case, why not have the party consist of Magus, Marle, Crono, and myself. That way we have three heroes they know," suggested Glenn.

"You're actually volunteering to travel in a party with Magus? Better make sure Lavos isn't about to arrive early," Lucca joked.

Oh my god, just figure something out you dimwitted shit stains.

"Guess that's a common theme in all worlds, joking about the apocalypse when something strange happens," I mentioned. "Anyway, who said we had to always travel in parties of four? Especially since we're all in the Middle Ages together already. I'll go ahead with my side-trip to Porre and meet you all at Fiona's house. It's near Glenn's place in the Cursed Woods."

It is not. Like, I know I've been bitching about canonical details a lot recently, but Bardic is just so fucking wrong all the time now.

"And how do you suggest we fit seven people in a ship built for four?" asked Robo.

”One more crack like that, and you're getting bodied out of the windshield, Dumb-bo.” Joe chuckled to himself. “Good one, Joe.”

"Good point. Er, Magus, I noticed you can hover when you want to go fast, does that power extend to flight?"

"Yes, though the further from a semi-solid surface I am the harder it is to stay up.

Typical man. Am I right, ladies?

I doubt I'd be able to keep up with the Epoch," He answered.

"Actually, you'd only have to keep up with me. I'll take you with me up to the Truce Gate, since I have to grab something in AD 1000 Porre before doing anything in AD 600 Porre, then you can fly off to meet everyone else at the castle."

Why don't you just do this all yourself and save everyone the logistical nightmare that you've unfolded? You're already stronger, supposedly smarter and know everything.

"I shall accompany you as well," said Glenn. "As I can fly using my Wind magic. And we've already established that we can fit five people into the Epoch."

"Then I suppose that's settled. Let's make sure we're stocked up for the journey and be on our way." As everyone else headed off to make sure our inventory was in good order, Lucca approached me.

"I'm surprised," she stated.

"How so?"

"You've been Barog for the last six-and-a-half hours, and you haven't lost control once."

"It's rather difficult to sustain a feeling of calm when you have no emotional control, but it does keep me from rampaging. One of the more un-helpful things about my lack of control is that emotions tend to have other emotions linked to them. To quote an old movie from my world called Star Wars, 'Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.'"


And by “philosopher” I mean Helen Keller. God how I envy her right now.

"Wow, you really do have it tough. Well, at least you can remain calm."

Everyone gathered back together and we prepared to take off. Glenn had several Mid-Ethers that he bought with some of the money gotten by selling the gear in from the tomb. We took off in a north-easterly direction, watching as the Epoch took off at it's slightly faster pace. As we flew, I suddenly felt exhilarated. I was flying under my own power, just me, my wings, and the sky. I gave a cry of happiness as I climbed up to the clouds, and let loose a loud "YAHOOOOOOOOOOO!" as I dove back to where Glenn and Magus flew. I buzzed them, getting a yelp from Glenn and an annoyed sigh from Magus.

"This is awesome! I never knew flying could be so awesome! Why didn't anyone tell me how awesome it was?" I babbled, my words becoming slower and slurred as the LSD quietly took me out of this world.

Glenn muttered, "If he says 'awesome' one more time..."

I took off again, this time doing aerial tricks like barrel rolls and loops before coming back down with a cry of "AWESOME!"

Magus bashed me in the back of the head with his fist the moment I got in range. I rubbed the spot with one hand as I pouted. "What was that for, Magus?"

"Quit acting like a child,-


-we're on a mission."

"Aww, quit being such a sourpuss. I bet you acted that way when you first found out you could fly!"

"You'd be wrong. Now, if you're done messing around perhaps we could pick up the pace."

"You're gonna hafta lighten up one of these days," I grumbled.

"I doubt it." I started getting annoyed, and thanks to my unstable emotions, annoyed quickly became pissed.

Magus is thus far the most developed out of any of the non-Joe characters, and his entire characterization beyond being “cool” is that he's constantly irritated with the shit Joe does. Magus is alright.

"Quit acting like such a jerk!" I raised my hand and formed some fire into a weapon, and just as I was about hit Magus with it, Glenn tapped me on the shoulder. "What?!"

"Why do you have a hammer made of fire?" I blinked and looked at the weapon in my hand. Sure enough I had formed a hammer from fire. I was temporarily bewildered, which was a calm enough emotion that I could calm myself down again.

"No idea. Just felt oddly appropriate. I also felt like I should be yelling 'Magus no baka.'"

This feels like it's reference to something, but I'm cringing too hard to want to look up what it is.

"Magus no baka? What's that mean?"

"If I remember what little Japanese I've read, it means 'stupid Magus.'"

”Read.” Yeah right. His next statement was gonna be Nihongers for “i-it's not like I like you or anything, Magus-sempai!”

Glenn snorted, which was really odd to hear come out of a frog's nose. Magus simply sped up, forcing us to catch up. I, thankfully, retained my calm as we continued the flight, which was mostly uneventful. Glenn had drank all but two of the Mid-Ethers by the time we reached land.

Glenn really needs to get a grip on his consumption of “Ethers” before it becomes a problem.

I bid them farewell as we split up, them to the castle, and myself to the Truce Gate. Thankfully, Lucca had handed me the Gate Key before we separated and I used it to travel back to the End of Time, then a quick jump to Leene's Square in AD 1000. I transformed back into myself (though for some reason I wanted to start thinking of my original body as my "human form") got a room at the inn for the night, then prepared to take off then next morning.

I got as much altitude as I possibly could (which actually put me well above cloud level). I looked down at the world, and saw how everything looked like it did on the over-world part of the game. I looked south, and saw Mt. Denadoro, the Cursed Woods, and there, in the distance, was Porre.

Mt. Denadoro technically exists in that time period, but the Cursed Woods are actually in Porre.

I took off, diving as I flew to reach as great a velocity as I could. Just as I flew over where Fiona's Forest would eventually be, I saw it shimmer slightly and a line of trees began to form on the northern side.

Oddly enough the tree line began to spell something out:

I was beyond it a few seconds later, but I knew the significance of what I had seen: the gang must have fought the Retinite monster without me. Fine with me, I didn't want to fight any more than I absolutely had to. I reached the outskirts of Porre, and transformed back before entering the Snail Stop.

I examined the place, noting the Kilwala-like Mystic playing piano, and the patrons of the bar. I sat down at the bar myself and looked at the bartender.

”I looked at the bartender, and he looked back at me. With that quick glance, we both instantly understood our intentions. He gave a shallow nod, and retrieved a small brown package and handed it to me. Inside was a mint condition copy of Imouto-chan ga Fakku desu, which I eagerly pocketed.”

"Yo, I hear this place has good jerky, anyway I can try some out?"

"Oh? Where're you from, stranger?" asked the Bartender.

"Area of Truce, but I like to wander all over the place. Just recently arrived from Choras as a matter of fact."

"That so? Well, I'm not sure if you'll be able to afford my jerky."

Not that he'd expect a filthy Chorasian like you to understand.

"I'm sure I will, monsters tend to carry lots of money. Though I wonder how they get it in places no one's visited in a long time."

"I hear there's someone called Robina Hood that gives it to 'em, but I think that's absurd.--

This joke is funny because it's a reference to something I enjoy.

--Anyway, the jerky's nine thousand nine hundred gold. You sure you got that much?"

"Oh, yes, I have plenty. In fact, I think I'll get two." I reached into my gold sack and pulled out several smaller bags. "Each of these contains about two thousand gold each, so five outta do it, don'cha think?" Did I mention that the treasure from Cyrus's grave sold reallywell? The music seemed to stop as everyone else in the bar turned to look at me.

Five bags at two thousand equals ten thousand, and he just told you it cost 9900, which would put the cost at 19800. And you threw a shitfit when you had to spend 1000. Good continuity.

Guess I can at least give you credit for not doing an “Over 9000” joke.

"Er, right, uh, here's the jerky." He gave me two bags full of it. "And since I'm down to one bag I'll need to make more, excuse me."

I nodded to him and walked out the door, absently chewing on a strip of jerky. It was good, though I couldn't quite identify the meat used.


I was just about out of range of the village, and was about to transform when I heard several footsteps behind me.

"Gimme your gold, or die." Ah, brigands.

Oh cool. Time for Joe to show of how awesomely badass he is by using his dragon god powers to beat up normal people.

"Hmm, I wonder," I muttered to myself. "If I should handle this like Lina Inverse, or Barog Firestorm..."

Handle it like Crono and shut the hell up.

"Hey, I'm talking to you! Do you want to die?!"

"Not particularly. You see, I just recently regained my memories from my previous lives and wouldn't want to work on getting them back all over again." I turned around.

"Besides, my friends are going to need me back in the Middle Ages pretty soon." I studied the faces of the bandits as I contemplated being known as Joe McCord the Bandit Killer, before realizing giving them my other... I mean, my actual name would be a bad idea. Hmm, they were all from the Snail Stop. Apparently, they saw my vast amounts of cash.

I like how a pretty innocuous and otherwise insignificant shop in the game has suddenly become a western saloon for hardened bandits.

"Then I suggest you give me your gold. I know you're loaded." That clinched it, they had seen my gold.

"You know what would've been smarter for you to do?" I asked, a light smile on my face.


Saving money on your car insurance by switching to Nationwide. You're in good hands, now.

"Killing me while my back was turned and taking the money from my corpse. But now that you've alerted me, I'm going to have to do something with you." I smiled evilly and raised my hand, a flame dancing in my palm. I threw the fire at the ground under their feet, and released the weakest Point-Flare I could, while calling out a spell name. "Explosion Array!" The ground exploded and sent them into the sky, and as they fell back down, groaning as they hit, a sack of money fell into my hand, prompting me to comment. "Well, that was lucky."

One of them raised his head as I turned and prepared to transform. "Who- who are you?!"

”It's not who I am, but what I do that defines me,” Joe muttered as he morphed into Barog and started masturbating.

I let the flames change me as I looked back. "I'm Barog Firestorm."Then I took off. I flew over the emerging forest to see a cathedral appearing as the edges of the still-growing forest spread. I landed outside of Truce and landed before changing back. I stretched my now human back and was startled to hear a loud ripping noise. I looked back and saw, to my dismay, that my precious leather coat had finally worn itself out, and my shirt was close splitting as well. Probably from all the times my wings appeared through it combined with all the fights we had been in, amongst other things. I returned to the inn and asked someone if they could recommend a good tailor for me to get new clothes from.

You've been wearing the same leather trenchcoat and fedora this entire trip. I mean, that's disgusting, but at least we didn't have to sit through a naked Bruce Banner scene.

I visited the guy they recommended and I transformed into Barog for the measurements.

And the tailor was not at all perturbed by the fact that he was making clothes for a dragon.

He gave me a whole new outfit, though the colour scheme remained the same red and black, and replaced my old coat with a trench coat that extended all the way to my ankles. I paid for the outfit, even though he tried to give it to me for free, and left, returning to my original form before I went through the gate. I quickly returned to Truce Canyon and headed south, flying closer to the ground than I had been on my journey four-hundred years later and a few minutes ago.
I saw the Epoch still parked by Fiona's Villa and landed, just in time to see the group head for the sink-hole in the sand.

"What're you guy's doin' heading back in?" I yelled to them.

Sounds like my bro's girlfriend. Am I right, fellas?

They all turned to look at me in surprise. Crono was the first to speak. "We're not headed back in, we're just going in now."

"That's... interesting. I saw the desert turning into a forest as I travelled in AD 1000, so I thought you had already gone in and fought the Retinite."

"Nope. You're just in time to join us." Suddenly, his pointed at me. "You mentioned something about this just before we fought the Heckran! 'You must wait for a forest to rise from the desert and a robot to work for four hundred years,' all because I asked who the Entity was."

Someone in the distance is seeing a flying dragon in a trench coat yelling at a red-headed kid in the middle of a desert sinkhole.

"Well, we still have to go forward in time after we finish this off, so let's get crackin'. We'll discuss theories on the Entity later."

Then you guys can post these theories on ChronoCompedium, which is incidentally where I stole the image from. Big ups.

"Then can we ask about the new look?" asked Lucca with a raised eyebrow.

"My clothes were getting rather badly beat up thanks to my rapid transformations, so I found a tailor in Truce and he made me a fire-proof outfit to Barog's measurements."

The massive hole in the ass of his pants due to him growing a tail should have tipped a few of you off.

It was a very un-eventful journey. Oh, sure there were plenty of monsters in the caves beneath the sand, but they didn't stand a chance against all eight of us at once.

We made it to the boss chamber and saw the Retinite rise from the sand. I repeated the monster's weakness to water and we alternated comboing with Magus and Marle to fell the monster. Eventually, all that was left was the weird eye-thing in the middle that kept draining our blood.

I would like people to reread that last paragraph and pretend you know nothing about Chrono Trigger. It's hilarious how much it sounds like some insane person's ramblings.

Then we did something with an interesting effect: we blasted it with eight different spells at once. Crono used Luminaire, which apparently learned in the Hero's Grave, Lucca used Flare, Marle cast Ice 2, Robo activated his Mega-laser, Glenn used a new spell he called "Hurricane," Ayla pelted it with hundreds of little rocks thrown fast enough to ignite and called it "Meteo," Magus used Dark Mist, and I blasted it with Holy Flare. The resulting magical backlash actually blew us out of the cave, collapsing it. Ayla, Glenn, Marle, Robo, and Crono quickly cast healing spells (I noted Ayla's Cure 2 with interest) and we headed back to Fiona's.

”You know that giant sinkhole that was causing you trouble? We just turned it into a giant regular hole instead. That'll be $25.”

We chatted with her for a little while before we left for the Epoch, though Robo stayed behind, since he was going to be planting and cultivating the trees for years to come. Once again, I took off for Porre, this time to drop off a bag the jerky I had bought (and I wonder still what recipe calls for jerky). Magus and Glenn started on their way to the Truce Gate, so the others could use the Epoch. I met them back at the gate and we did a quick jump through the End of Time to four hundred years later. We made a return flight to what was now Fiona's Forest, just in time to meet up with the gang as they activated Robo and left the Cathedral. Due to Glenn and Magus' magical exhaustion, and Robo wanting to celebrate our meeting again after 400 years of work, we decided to camp out for the night. And that's when Crono's long awaited discussion took place...

"The future can be anything we want it to be, providing we have the faith and that we realize that peace, no less than war, required blood and sweat and tears." -Charles

F. Kettering

Next time! The famous forest scene gets butchered, mangled and ruined by BardicKnowledge! Wooooo Spring Break!

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 16th August 2017 - 05:29 AM