[X] My Assistant

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

First of all, I want to thank everyone for enjoying my riff of Billy's Reward so I'm tackling another one of his called Lady Volunteers. On the bright side, the writing is better and the main character does not rape anyone, but it still has that spoiled brat mentality when it comes to women that makes the author's work so "amusing."

CHAPTER ONE: THE PARKING LOT

It was 14:20 on Saturday afternoon. The Sun was shining in the September sky, and the temperature was a warm 27º Celsius in the parking lot outside Piermont Hall.


Oh, just use the standard system like real Americans you commie!


Eric saw the disaster happen. A tot broke away from her parents and darted between parked vehicles. Just then the driver of a pickup truck swung the truck door open, into the child’s face. The kid fell down and began screaming.


Driver: Alright! Eight points!

Eric reached into his pocket and retrieved his telephone as he returned to his car to get his first aid kit. The 9-1-1 dispatcher answered just as Eric returned to where the child lay. The driver had emerged and was apologizing profusely. The child’s parents were horrified.

“9-1-1 Emergency. What is the location of your emergency?” the dispatcher asked.


Eric: I have a sudden urge not to act like a entitled jackass.


“University of West Dakota at Talleyville, Piermont Hall parking lot, one three five North University Avenue, Talleyville.” Eric recited, then he stood up to look for a section sign on one of the overhead lights.

The nearest one said, “T23.”

“Section Tango two three.” Eric continued, as he opened the first aid kit and poked around.

“What is the nature of your emergency?” the dispatcher asked.


Trying to make the hero somewhat decent before the next chapter or two ruins it.


“Request ambulance. Female victim approximately three years of age has been struck in face by pickup truck door when swung open. Child is conscious and responsive, bleeding from nose and left eye. Repeat, request ambulance. Pickup truck license plate Alpha Foxtrot Zulu five two seven, West Dakota. Driver remains on the scene.”

After terminating the call, Eric cried out, “Could somebody please bring some ice cubes?”


I just stole some from my crygenicly-frozen uncle, but I was going to use them help drink myself stupid.


“I have some ice cubes in the freezer in my dorm room.” one student volunteered.

“Well, they won’t do us much good sitting in your freezer, now will they? Could you kindly go get them?” Eric asked her.

“Yes, I will.” the woman replied, and ran to the building.

Eric used gauze to wipe up the blood, and then took another piece of gauze to hold the girl’s nose closed to stop the bleeding. The driver continued apologizing, mentioning that he couldn’t have seen the child approaching. The girl’s parents spoke comforting words to her.


Parents: It's ok, we've been following the Ryotaro Dojima School of Parenting so we're used to it.


In two minutes, the woman returned with ice cubes. Eric accepted them and held one onto the facial cut under the girl’s eye. Eric and the parents took turns speaking comforting words,


Eric: When you turn eight, one of my author avatars is going to rape you.


as the sound of sirens began filling the air.

When police and the ambulance arrived, Eric turned first aid duties over to them. “Thanks for the ice cubes.” he said. “What’s your name?”

“Sarah.” she answered.

Eric told the cop what happened, as did the driver and the girl’s parents. Then Eric walked away.


Eric: Wah, they're acting like decent human beings. Now I can't kill them without looking like the bad guy!


En route to the dormitory, some classmates greeted Eric, “Good work, dude!”

Eric looked back at the scene and shrugged, “Yeah, I guess.”


Eric: I was trying to kill her and make it look like an accident, but it just wasn't working.


CHAPTER TWO: THE COMPUTER

Melissa walked into the lounge where Eric was doing his homework


Eric: Now what goes "moo"?


and Sarah was reading a magazine. It was Monday evening at 20:17.

“Sarah,” Melissa said, “my computer just got delivered this afternoon.”

“Cool!” Sarah grinned. “Can we go check it out? I just heard of this great website called,


Two Girls, One Cup.


Underage Drinkers Against Drunk Driving. It’s supposed to be really good.”

“As soon as I figure out how to get it set up.” Melissa agreed.


Simple, get an ugly man to do it.


“You need help?” Eric volunteered.


And here's one right now.


Melissa’s eyes opened wider. “Oh, that would be excellent! I’d much rather have you help me than ask a sophomore. You know how they love to make fun of us freshmen.” she said.


Well, when you don't know that computers need to be turned on to work, they have every right.


Eric stood up, and Melissa led him to her dorm room.

“You know, that was really good the way you helped out when that little girl got hurt out in the parking lot. I was impressed.” Melissa said.

“Well, what else am I gonna do, just walk away and leave her there to bleed?” Eric asked.

Melissa cleared the top of her desk as Eric began opening the boxes.

Eric set up the computer, installed the operating system, connected it to the internet and to the printer-fax-scanner. He explained everything he did, so Melissa would understand the process.


Eric: This is a keyboard, you press on the buttons to make the magic little men inside to do things.


It was 22:03 when he was finally finished. “I guess you’re all set, then.” he said, as he turned for the door.

“Do you have to leave so soon?” Melissa asked, smiling at him.

Eric was stumped. “Well, you have everything set up and running,” he shrugged. He looked at her. “Was there anything else you needed?”


Melissa: Someone for my boyfriend to beat-up; it really gets me all hot and bothered.


Melissa sighed, and shook her head. “Oh, no. Nothing.”

“Okay, then. See ya.” Eric smiled, and walked away.


CHAPTER THREE: THE LOUNGE

Bob and Rick were playing chess in the dormitory lounge when Eric strolled in with a textbook and sat down to read.


Bob: Ha! Horsey takes castle-thingey. Now hop around the room on one foot while singing the national anthem.

Rick: But you didn't say, "Simon Says".

Bob: Damn it!


Bob took the initiative. “Hi, I’m Bob, and this is Rick. We haven’t met you yet. What’s your name?”

Eric replied, “Eric.”

Rick asked, “Where are you from, Eric?”

Eric responded, “That’s none of your business.”


Can't you see he's trying to be unlikable here?


Bob and Rick looked at each other, puzzled. Eric opened the book and started reading.

Rick moved his rook. “Check,” he said.

Zachary entered the lounge and sat down, with the morning edition of the Capital Daily Star in hand.


Zachary: Oh great, Alex Jones was just given the Red Lantern ring and is running loose.


After a few minutes, he mentioned something from an article he was reading.

“It looks like the cops across the river in Sacraleena caught a suspect in that string of rapes. Have you heard?” Zachary said.

Bob enquired, “No, I didn’t hear. What happened?”

Zachary explained, “One victim was able to remember the guy’s face well enough to get a good composite sketch. The Sacraleena Police put the picture on the wires to all the departments in the area. The West Dakota Capitol Police recognized the guy as a lobbyist who’s always going into the State Capitol, and they’ve connected him now with DNA evidence.”

Bob said, “I hope the creep gets life.”

Eric joined in. “The West Dakota Legislature ought to legalize prostitution so men will be more likely to get what they need that way, instead of committing violence.” he suggested.

Rick told Eric, “That wouldn’t help much, because most of those creeps don’t want sex, they want to hurt somebody. They enjoy inflicting harm and having power.”


I know this wasn't the author's goal, but everyone else is making sense.


Bob joined in. “I think what Rick says is right. I mean, last year it happened here on campus, and the perp was a student here. Let’s face it, it certainly wasn’t like he would have had any trouble getting laid here at this college.”

Zachary chuckled, “Yeah, with all the pussy running around on this campus, somebody would have to be a real loser not to be able to get any.”

Eric looked at his textbook, but he was having trouble reading. He sat there, motionless. After a few minutes, he closed the book, stood up, and walked away.


I think we've just come across Billy Americano's long-lost little brother.

This post has been edited by Yaoi Huntress Earth: Nov 13 2012, 04:07 PM

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

CHAPTER FOUR: THE CAFETERIA

Pancakes and sausage were the Wednesday breakfast special at the cafeteria. Outside, rain was falling from a grey October sky.


Where if it's anything like the college I went to, even the orange juice was made out of a fake powder.


Eric sat at a table and started to eat. Nancy was walking by. She knew him from their Economics 101 class. “Eric, how are you doing?” she asked.


Nancy: Are those mean ol' kindergarteners still laughing at you?


Eric just kept eating.

“Eric?” she said. Suddenly she looked sad and confused, and told him, “Fine, then, ignore me.” She sulked and walked away.

Eric finished his breakfast and brought up his tray, then went back to the table to get his books.



CHAPTER FIVE: THE PARTY

Zachary had invited some classmates over to his parents’ home in Talleyville while they were gone. All told, there were twenty people in the house, sharing stories and beer.


Zachary: You see that butt-nugget sulking over there? Can you believe his mom paid me $50 to be nice to him?


Rebecca sat down on the sofa next to Eric. “You’re not very talkative tonight, are you?” she noted.

“Well, the stuff they’re talking about doesn’t really interest me.” Eric told her.


Eric: There's no mention of ponies, Ron Paul or laughing through the ending of Glory anywhere.


“I don’t give a fire truck who wins the football game. These folks think drinking too much is a good thing. Drink to enjoy, not to compete. That’s why I stick to beer.


But he drinks it through a straw.


The drunkest you can get on beer is drunker than you wanna get anyway, so there’s no loss. You catch a buzz to socialize, but don’t overdose and get sick.”

“Fire truck!” Rebecca repeated. “I’ll have to remember that one.”


Rebecca: So I have another excuse to laugh and call you a dweeb.


Eric drank another beer. There were fifteen people in the house. He drank another, and there were ten. “Everybody seems to be heading out, and the party is winding down. It’s 1:47 now. I’m calling it a night.” he told Rebecca.

Rebecca smiled at Eric, and reached out to touch his arm. “Will you take me home tonight?” she asked.


There's an evil monkey that is constantly stalking her and she needs a virgin sacrifice to appease it.


“No, I can’t.” he replied, shaking his head. “I’ve been drinking, and I’m in no shape to drive. I don’t drive if I’ve had even one beer, because it’s not right. I’m leaving my car parked here and calling a taxi, and I’m going the other way from where you live.”

“I mean, like, will you take me home tonight, Eric?” she requested again.

Eric looked annoyed. Then he turned and looked at her, shaking his head, saying, “What part of ‘NO’ don’t you understand? You know I’ve been drinking, and asking a drunk to drive you home is just as bad as driving drunk yourself.” He stood up, and used his cell phone to call a taxi. At 1:54 it arrived, and he left.


Dude, when Jon Arbuckle is better with the ladies than you, please kill yourself.


CHAPTER SIX: LUNCH

Engineering class ended at 11:35.


Professor: What part of "pencil goes on paper" do you not get, Eric?


Eric and Melissa went to the cafeteria while Rebecca went to her car to drive home. The special was pork chops and mashed potatoes.

Eric brought his tray to a table and sat down, looking at his food. He took a forkful of mashed potatoes.

Allen joined Eric at the table. “So how much are we gonna beat East Dakota by, Eric?” he asked.

Eric continued eating.


Because if he stops thinking for one second, he forgets how to chew and chokes to death.


“Eric, how come you’re not talking much lately?” Allen enquired. Eric just continued eating.

Allen finished his lunch, brought up his tray and left. Eric was about half done. Melissa, two tables away, was finished, so she brought up her tray and left. Eric took a forkful of pork chop.


Would the author just get to the part where we're supposed to feel sorry for him?

This post has been edited by Yaoi Huntress Earth: Nov 13 2012, 07:25 PM

[BlasterBlade210]

... here we go again...

To be honest, at this point, I'm wondering what the hell is this author thinking... I mean not once did I ever feel anything for the guy, and in fact wish all the world's Ills on him at the same time.

[Agnitio Ex Machina]

He's trying to fulfill his absolutely disgusting and illegal fantasies.

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

... here we go again...

To be honest, at this point, I'm wondering what the hell is this author thinking... I mean not once did I ever feel anything for the guy, and in fact wish all the world's Ills on him at the same time.

I know he's not the monster Billy Americano is, but he's just a piss-ant as you'll see in this next part.

CHAPTER SEVEN: MELISSA WORRIES

Eric was sitting at his desk in his dormitory room reading Mad Magazine at 20:58 when Melissa knocked. “Come in.” he said.

“Can I talk to you?” Melissa asked.

Eric shrugged.


Melissa: You do know that even Shinji Ikari talked to people.


“Eric, it’s obvious something must bothering you, and since you don’t want to talk about it, I would personally recommend you call the University Counseling Center.” Melissa suggested.

“I am well aware that I can call some professional talker whose job it is to pretend they care. I’m not interested. And what do you care, anyway?” Eric responded.


Because all the Care Bears were hunted to extinction.


Melissa took a seat next to the desk, and looked at him. Speaking softly, she challenged him, “Have I ever mistreated you, or done you any wrong?”

Eric thought about that for a moment. “No.” he answered, shaking his head form left to right.


Eric: These head-lice better fall out now.


“So, then, even if, as I suspect, some people have been cruel to you, you should not prejudge me. It’s not as if you can blame me for whatever might be bothering you. The reason I care is because I feel you are one of God’s precious children, and God does not want you to suffer, so neither do I.” Melissa explained.

“I see.” Eric acknowledged.

Melissa sighed, “So you totally ruled out professional help?”


Xenu says it's stupid.


“They cannot help me.” Eric declared. “They’d prescribe the wrong kind of antidepressant.”


Eric: Estrogen doesn't do shit for me.


Melissa pondered what he said. Then she looked at him and challenged, “How do you know?”

Eric explained, “They would prescribe the kind in a bottle. I need the kind in a skirt.”

Melissa started to smile. “Oh, I think I understand now.


Melissa: You want a horny Scotsman.


You miss your girlfriend back home, and you would never think of cheating on her here. Now it’s all starting to make sense to me.” she said.

Eric shook his head. “Ain’t got a girlfriend.” he stated. “Ain’t had one since ninth grade, junior high school. She broke up with me for another guy.”


Who could actually speak properly.


Melissa puzzled for a moment, then acknowledged, “This is really none of my business, so you don’t have to answer.” She paused for a moment, then continued, “Why did you go through high school without a girlfriend?”

Eric sighed, “Do you have to taunt me about it?”

Melissa backed off, and apologized. “I’m sorry, but I just have trouble understanding what you’re trying to say.”


If it has more than four letters, it's lost on her.


Eric put his head in his hands, elbows on his desk, and started breaking down. Choking back tears, he said, “Does anybody care about what I’m going through? Does anybody have any idea what it is like to be on a campus filled to the brim with attractive women I’m forbidden even to touch, and all I hear about is how much the other guys are getting?”


Cliche video here.

Melissa paused again. Then she continued, speaking gently, “Obviously, this is none of my business if you don’t want to answer, but … how long has it been since you’ve gotten laid?”

Eric looked up at the wall. He started slowly moving his head from left to right, his eyes closed.

“Just say it’s none of my business.” Melissa said.

Eric took a deep breath, but sat still.


Eric: Does masturbating to a picture of Smurfette count?


Melissa tried to interpret his movements and expression. Then she leaned forward, saying, “I’m sorry if this is too intrusive. I know you value your privacy and all, which is your right. But I’m just trying to figure out what’s going on, because something is bothering you.” She paused, then continued, “Are you a virgin?”

Eric nodded, answering only one word, “Yes.”

Melissa sat up. “Well, I guessed wrong about your having a girlfriend you didn’t want to cheat on. That would have made sense, but it wasn’t the case. It makes sense, if you’re saving yourself for some very special woman.” she guessed.

Eric shook his head left to right again. “Nope.”


Eric: I just like to angst.


“Well, this is the University of West Dakota at Talleyville.” Melissa observed. “The women outnumber the men three to two. Obviously, a guy as desireable as you would have no trouble finding somebody if you wanted to. Are you looking for somebody your religion, maybe?”


Melissa, why can't you talk and act like a real person?


“No, I’ve had it with religion.” Eric declared.

“What type of woman are you looking for?” Melissa asked.

Eric just shrugged.

“Maybe a really pretty one?” Melissa asked.

Eric spoke calmly and declaratively. “That hardly matters at this point. I’ve met all the women living here on the second floor, and some of them are a little overweight, but I wouldn’t reject any of them. I’ve met or seen most if not all of the women on all fourteen floors of Piermont, and I would not reject any of them.”


But they're all too old for him.


Melissa sat stunned for a moment, then calmly said, “I’m thinking back to a debate course I took at the temple. I’m a Libertarian, and I go to the Libertarian Temple.


This is from the actual religion the author tried to create and it didn't even get off the group.


Anyway, they said that when I perceive an apparent contradiction, tell the person what the contradiction is, and ask them to explain if they feel one item is false, or the other item is false, or how the two items do not contradict each other. You seem willing to consider a wide range of women, yet I watched you totally snub Rebecca at Zachary’s party, and that’s your right, if she’s not your type, but the clear contradiction is that you said you would not reject any of the women living on the second floor, Eric, and I am one of the women living on the second floor, and you rejected me when I propositioned you, which is also your right, but I’m just trying to understand this apparent contradiction.”


*snaps out of daze* Did she say anything unimportant?


Eric replied, “I don’t recall your ever propositioning me, and if you did I certainly would not reject you. As for Rebecca, she never expressed any interest. The only thing I ruled out was giving her a ride home when I was drunk. I was taking a taxi back here, and she lives on East Capitol Street in Sacraleena.”

Melissa smiled and sighed. “Eric, you may not know this, but women use subtle signals and clues when they want it.


Like the middle finger means that we love you.


We speak in code. There are a lot of ways we express our desires, some less obvious than others. When Rebecca asked you to take her home, that means she wants to go to your home, and go to bed with you, just like going to bed with somebody means having sex with the person. She wanted it, Eric. That expression, take me home is one of the best recognized ones.”

Eric smiled. “Oh, now you tell me!”


Eric: And all the creepy old pedophiles I could've banged.


Melissa continued, “Remember when you set up my computer, and I asked if you had to leave so soon?”

“Yeah.” Eric answered.

“That was my way of inviting you to stay longer and


Melissa: So I can use you as a human shield when my ex-boyfriend comes back to kill me.


maybe we could fool around.” Melissa explained.

Eric smiled and looked at Melissa. “Then why didn’t you say that?” he asked.

“I couldn’t.” Melissa said.

“Why not?” Eric asked.


Because her tits will explode if she does.


Melissa answered by illustration. “Well, it’s kind of like right now, Eric. How come you don’t follow up on what we just said? I told you the light was green then, and you want to ask if the light is green now, since you’ve already said you certainly wouldn’t reject me, but you still hesitate to pop the question.”

Eric grinned. “That’s r-i-i-ght! It’s not always easy to say these things.”


Eric: Pussies make me cry.


Melissa explained, “A very important thing to remember about signals is that they are sometimes deceptive. A woman could innocently ask a man if he has to leave so soon, because she


Needs a new shrunken head for her collection.


has lasagna baking and wants to feed him. Be very careful not to touch a woman unless you know it is okay with her. In any case, ‘NO’ means ‘NO’ and ‘STOP’ means ‘STOP.’” She paused to let that sink in, then continued, “If you’re still in suspense, let me just say, as long as you’re willing to use a condom, you have a green light.”

Eric’s jaw dropped. He reached out to touch Melissa, but stopped. He reached out again, almost touching her, and stopped.

“What’s wrong?” Melissa asked.


Eric: I realized even I wouldn't touch me.


“Nothing!” Eric answered, and he stood up, looking at Melissa. She stood up.

Again, Eric tried to reach out for Melissa. “Are you nervous, by any chance?” she asked.

“Who, me, nervous?” Eric laughed.

“Well, remember, there’s no hurry.” Melissa assured him. “Relax.”


Right, Eric, six hours of crying after touching your first boob is perfectly normal.


Eric sat down on the side of the bed, and reached out to take Melissa’s hand. She sat down beside him, and kicked off her shoes. Eric’s face lit up. “Wow.” he said. “Oh, wow.” He kicked off his shoes, and put his right arm around her. Stunned, he fixed his gaze on her face as he ran his fingers through her golden blonde hair.

“If you want, you may tell me what you are thinking.” Melissa said.

Eric hesitated, and said, “Even though you said I have a green light and all, I still hesitate to touch you … for fear … that … you might … you know, … object.”


Yeah, who would want a pissy, self-pitying, joyless anti-social prick who snaps back at anyone who is nice to him?


Melissa smiled and said, “Well, I want you to have a good time, and that will make me feel good, too.” She took a deep breath. “Here’s an idea. It’s 21:16 now. Let’s make a rule, that we keep our clothes on for an hour, until 22:16, just cuddle, and you can get comfortable being close to me, and you won’t feel rushed. How does that sound?”

Eric grinned. “That sounds like an excellent plan.” he said. He stretched out on the bed and said, “Come here.”

Melissa stretched out, too, and rolled onto Eric. “This is excellent.” Eric said.

Melissa said, “It’s okay, either way, but I want to know what you are really thinking. Is it excellent because you have a woman, or because you have me?”

“Well, it’s excellent because I have a woman, finally.” Eric said, as he held her.


Eric: And her name isn't grandma.


He ran his fingers up and down her back. “It’s also excellent because I can touch you and express affection without worrying about going too far. And since you set that rule about the first hour, I don’t have to worry about not going far enough, either.”

“Do you get nervous when I touch you?” Melissa asked, stroking Eric’s chest.

“Oh, no. I like it.” Eric replied. He put his hands on her sides. Then he started to break down. He held her, and tears started rolling down his face.

Melissa assured Eric, “It’s gonna be okay, Eric.


Melissa: It's not like I have a personality or standards.


If you change your mind and want to wait, that’s okay with me, too.”

Eric whispered, “Oh, no, it’s just that … I, … I


Eric: Just realized that the troll that lives in women's pussies is a horrid lie.


shut out my emotions for so long, to cope with what I was going through, and now, in order to enjoy this beautiful feeling, I have to have my emotions on again, and I start feeling some of that bad experience.”

“I see. Well, do whatever feels good.” Melissa suggested.


I hear putting a gun in your mouth and pulling the trigger feels nice.


Eric reached his hand down Melissa’s back, and started feeling her ass. “Wow! This is excellent.” he said, grinning. He began laughing, then reminiscing, “You know, back in July, I hitch-huck out to Missouri City to visit my brother. I got a ride with this nice, pretty woman, who had just broken up with her ex-boyfriend. She threw him out because he was abusive. Anyway, my brother lives on the West Dakota side, and she lived in Missouri City, too, on the East Dakota side. She said I could phone my brother from her apartment, for a ride, and she invited me up. She showed me court papers about the restraining order she took out against her ex-boyfriend, and I suggested she should sue him because battery isn’t just a crime, it’s a tort. She offered me a cup of tea,


Mmmmm...Earl of Rat-Poison.


and when I asked about using the telephone, so I could call my brother for a ride, she looked kind of sad, and said, ‘Well, you can if you want.’ I could not figure out why she looked unhappy. Now that you tell me about these signals and hints and clues and everything, I’m starting to think maybe she wanted me to stick around and have some fun.”


Or slit your throat as a warning to him.


“It sounds like that’s exactly what she was hinting at.” Melissa agreed.

“Oh, I could have been cured of my virginity!” Eric lamented.

“Instead, I get to cure you.” Melissa observed.


Melissa: With this giant strap-on.


Eric smiled. He reached his hand to the hem of her skirt, pulled the back of her skirt up, and felt her ass through her panties.

“Eric, I have a question.” Melissa said. “It’s okay to be truthful and honest with me. Do you think my breasts are, you know, small?”


To tell you the truth, though it is showing more than telling, I just feel bored by it. Maybe it's because the main character is just so unlikable.


Eric pondered the question. “Well, yeah, they’re not much bigger than mine.


Eric: I'm pretty much a d-cup myself.


It doesn’t much matter to me, though. I think you are an excellent person. Like, you care about me, and it feels really good to be here with you.” he said.


Or pity.


“Well, do you think I’d have better luck getting guys if I had breast implants?” she wondered.

Eric sighed, “Oh, no. It’s not worth going through all that just to have a better toy for the guys to play with. I wouldn’t want you to have complications and spend all that money just for that. Any guy who would reject you for that reason isn’t really worth it. I can see some women maybe going on a diet, or dressing up and using make-up to look pretty, but surgery is going too far. If you ever get that desperate for a guy, you can come back here to cuddle with me, as a last resort.”


Melissa: But you smell like cheap booze.


Melissa asked, “Are you trying to manipulate me into giving you compliments, Eric?”

Eric laughed, “Who, me?” Then he reminisced, “You know, back in July, my brother brought me to the adult entertainment district in Missouri City. There are a some porno shops and a few strip joint bars.


So that was the jerk who was rubbing up against me, screaming, "yabba-dabba-doo".


It’s along State Line Avenue on the East Dakota side, just south of the Missouri River and the State Line Avenue Bridge. You have to be 18 to be let in, and these dancers, between songs, they go up to the bar and get the guys to spend money to have them dance up closer. Yeah, they’re really pretty, all dolled up, and some of them have bigger breasts than you, and yes, I got excited seeing them, but it wasn’t anywhere near as good a time as this, and we still have all our clothes on.”

“It’s too bad there’s so much commercial, sexual exploitation of women.” Melissa lamented.


They should write bad erotica where the self-insert is preaching the virtues of child molestation.


“Are they exploiting the women for their bodies, or exploiting the men for their money?” Eric asked. Then he pondered, “You know, now that I think about it, if I had understood what that lady meant when she tried to get me to stay longer in her apartment, I wouldn’t have felt any need for excitement in the adult entertainment district. They have hookers working there, but I wasn’t interested, because I want a woman who honestly enjoys being with me.”

Melissa pondered that comment. “I think you’re onto something there.” she said.

[Nihilistic One]

Fun fact: they read off Tom Alciere's works in mental asylums to inspire the inmates, for he is considered functional in society.

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

Fun fact: they read off Tom Alciere's works in mental asylums to inspire the inmates, for he is considered functional in society.

Actually, I think that would make them worse.


CHAPTER EIGHT: MELISSA’S PROJECT

Melissa met Eric en route to the dormitory on Thursday afternoon.


Loved to make love to each other and -- Oh wait, that's Gary and Melissa.

“You know, Eric, in addition to my school work here at the University, I also have a project to do at the Libertarian Temple.” she explained.


Melissa: Prove that free-market anarchism is full of fail.


Eric interrupted. “I see Rebecca over there, about to head home. Follow me, I want to explain something to her.” he said.


Tits first and then snap on the bra.


They walked fast and caught up. “Rebecca,” Eric said. She turned around. “Listen, I just wanted to explain, um, Melissa told me about how people talk in code, especially women, and um, let’s just say that if I had understood what you meant at Zachary’s party, things would have turned out differently.” he said.

“Oh.” Rebecca said.


Rebecca: It saved me from going to the clinic to get a shot.


“Melissa taught you something about the subtle signals we use. Very good.”

“That’s not all she taught me.” he grinned.

“Oh, it’s not?” Rebecca said. Melissa turned bright red.

Eric observed, “See, now I’m talking in code, too.”


Eric: Now grabbing and honking my dick in public means, "Hi, nice to meet you", right?


Rebecca laughed. “Well, I’m glad to see you’re learning.” She got into her car as they left.

Melissa and Eric walked to Piermont Hall. “You had to do that, didn’t you?” Melissa chuckled, and continued, “Anyway, I have a social service project to do. The idea is to do something make the world a better place, without appealing to the government for help. I think the problem cannot be solved by the government, but can be solved by volunteers.”


You mean they're going to shoot both cops and prostitutes.


Eric asked, “You mean, like, guys who aren’t having any luck getting laid?”

Melissa nodded, “Exactly.”

“And just how, exactly, do you plan to solve this problem? Do you plan to give every suffering guy the same treat you gave me?” Eric asked.

Melissa answered, “Well, I just don’t know that part yet. No, I’m not going to give it to everybody.


Melissa: It's not like she's one of Brooke McEldowney's females characters who's brain turns to mush by the very thought of sex. Oh wait, they actually have to like the guy and not feel sorry for them.


I think I’ll have to discuss this with the rabbi and the other students at the Libertarian Temple. I have to be there at 18:00 tonight. Would you like to go there, and maybe check it out?”

“Where is it?” Eric asked.

Melissa replied, “It’s in Sacraleena. It’s really easy to get to. At the eastern end of the campus, you take South Capitol Street north, cross the South Capitol Street Bridge over the Missouri River into Sacraleena, and it’s up ahead on the right about two kilometers at South Thirteenth and South Capitol. There’s a sign.”


Or just say, "I wrote the directions on this piece of paper. Good luck jerk."


“Yes, I’ll go. I don’t plan on becoming a Libertarian, but I can check it out.” Eric agreed.

Eric returned to Piermont and put on his jacket and walking shoes, and went outside. It was 15:05 and sunny, 16º Celsius. He walked across the campus and headed north on South Capitol Street. Up ahead in the distance, the West Dakota State Capitol could be seen.

At 16:10, Eric arrived at the corner of South Capitol Street and River Street in Talleyville, and pressed the button for the crosswalk light. When the light changed, he got the ‘WALK’ signal, and crossed River Street to arrive at the South Capitol Street Bridge. He started across, looking over the railing at the Riverbank Parkway traffic below, and then the Missouri River.


Boring!


The South Capitol Street Bridge had two lanes in each direction, and a raised concrete barrier for a median. Street lights towered over the roadway.

At 16:18, a light brown police car passed Eric, heading into Sacraleena. “TALLEYVILLE POLICE” it said in black letters. At 16:20, Eric arrived at a sign that read, “ENTERING SACRALEENA, SACRALEENA COUNTY.” After passing the sign, he looked back, across the roadway, to see another sign, facing the southbound traffic, reading, “ENTERING TALLEYVILLE, TALLEY COUNTY.”


Even more boring!
*snip because it goes on for ten paragraphs*


CHAPTER NINE: THE TEMPLE

Melissa met Eric on the sidewalk outside the temple at 17:58. She escorted him inside.

The Rabbi greeted them, saying, “Melissa! I see you brought a guest this time. Good going.” He shook hands to introduce himself. “I’m Rabbi Stevens.”


Eric: Rabbi, why do you have blood all over you with a t-shirt that says, "I brake for human sacrifices"?


Eric replied. “I’m Eric, a freshman at the University.”

At 18:00, Rabbi Stevens led the discussion. “For the benefit of the guests who are here the first time, let me explain what we’re about. We believe that human beings are created with God-given rights, and that the only legitimate function of governments is to secure these rights. More information on our doctrine can be found at Libertarian Church dot com.


It's a real site, all the one page of it.


“Humans have a right to form governments for the protection of their rights, and also have a right to protect their own rights, and the rights of others, without the help of the government.


Woooo! Vigilantism!


It is our goal to find ways to outdo the government through free, voluntary solutions, both in protecting rights and in filling the needs of people.

“We’ve been developing projects toward this end. Yusef over here, for example, has started talking to unemployed panhandlers, about how to find a job. It’s definitely not the job of government to find jobs for people, but Yusef can often help these panhandlers by pointing them in the right direction, giving them rides to interviews and telling them how to get hired.


And some leaky tents in the backyard so they'll have a current address for their resumes.


“Now, does anyone have anything new they want to tell us about their project? Melissa?”

Melissa addressed the group. “Last year, police here in Sacraleena broke up a prostitution ring, and on further investigation, learned that some of the girls, as young as 14 years old, had been kidnapped from their homes in Thailand, others in Guatemala. The pimps also trafficked in women from here in the United States. A few of them were doing it willingly, others were enslaved. When imagining the suffering these girls went through, do not overlook the suffering the men also endured, in being so desperate for sex that they had to pay good money for a rush job by a hooker.”


Screw that they knew they were kidnapped and underaged. They're the real victims here!


Rabbi Stevens responded, “Oh, and this will be good. Just how do you propose to solve this problem?”

Eric stepped in to explain something. “Value depends on scarcity. Men are willing to pay for sex, in many cases because they cannot find it any other way. There are ways to make it easier for them to find it.”

Rabbi Stevens asked, “And how is that?”

Melissa spoke up. “Well, there are a lot more women than men at the University. Some are not having much luck. They need a man, and the men need them.


Romantic love is a lie created by Alpha Males so women will prefer them instead.


All the women have to do, is say so. The really big trouble is, that’s not always easy. I’m sure there have been plenty of people here in this congregation who have had desires for other members, but could not say so, because this isn’t the place for that. Well, in some of those cases, the desired person also would have wanted that, but they never got together, because this is not the place for that. So there’s all this suffering going on, some people going for extended periods without any, because they cannot say what they want.”

Bert asked, “Are you suggesting making a place for that?”

Melissa answered, “We don’t need to, because there already is such a place. It’s on North Second Street, from North Burbank to about the Governor William Jayne Highway.”


Melissa: It's this nice meat packing plant where we can depose of the ones that change their minds.


Rabbi Stevens observed, “The red light district, or, excuse me, the adult entertainment district.”

“Exactly.” Melissa said. “With some organizing and some educating, it may be possible to let the men who patronize those places, that an option is available to them, that they’ll like better.”

Eric explained, “I’ve been known to patronize a strip joint bar once. It was exciting and also depressing. I had a chance to buy a hooker. Sure, I would enjoy having sex, just like I enjoy having people laugh at my jokes, but paying somebody to have sex with me is kind of like paying somebody to laugh at my jokes.

I didn’t realize at the time that I did have some opportunities, until Melissa explained how the women speak in code and offer clues instead of just saying they want some, because they can’t. Well, in the adult entertainment district, maybe they can.”

Rabbi Stevens admitted, “It’s true these signals, codes, or innuendos, whatever you call them, can be difficult to catch. When I was young, there was a song I used to hear on the radio, called Harper Valley PTA, and I always used to wonder what they were encoding with the lyrics,


Yaoi Huntress Earth is your god.


‘Well, there’s Bobby Taylor sittin’ there and seven times he’s asked me for a date. Mrs. Taylor sure seems to use a lot of ice whenever he’s away. And Mr. Baker, can you tell us why your secretary had to leave this town?’ I was able to figure that Mr. Baker got the secretary pregnant, and in those days, it was a scandal to have a pregnancy out of wedlock, so she left town to avoid the embarrassment, but I couldn’t figure out what they were insinuating by Mrs. Taylor using so much ice.


She was a black market organ dealer?


Well, they were trying to say the ice man kept dropping by when Bobby Taylor was away, and only Mrs. Taylor was home, inferring that the ice man was having sex with Mrs. Taylor.”

Sandra wondered, “Well, let’s say a woman can get up the nerve to walk up to a guy and announce her sexual availability. Just where do you propose they get it on, across the street in Governor Edmunds Park?”

“Not exactly,” Melissa replied, “but there are hotels here in town. If we can get a grant, that might cover the hotel rooms, and we can get discounted, monthly rates and then seek donations. It won’t be that much, when you consider that the daily charge is for 24 hours, and a number of men can be satisfied over that period of time.”


So you're prostitutes who take donations.


“Two important issues here.” Rabbi Stevens said, then continued, “Just how will these women be distinguished from other women who happen to be walking by, not only the prostitutes but the pedestrians, and how will they tell the guys about their availability?”

Melissa answered, “The woman might walk up and greet him, ‘I’m free tonight.’ which says it all. It says she is available, and her price. They could even wear uniforms.”

Dave observed, “Uniforms would be a big help. That tells the guy he can walk up and greet her.”


With handkerchiefs that gay dudes in the 70's used to do.


Melissa observed, “Happily married people also have an important role in the process, and that is where education will be useful. Somebody needs to explain to them that if somebody at work, or school asks them for a date, don’t just say ‘NO’ but also offer to help them find somebody.


Forget that the guy demanded that you break your marital vows. It's your duty to help his sorry ass out.


Even just saying three words, ‘Try the internet.’ can point the person in the right direction and make a big difference. This applies when they are asked for a date, or hear somebody lamenting having no luck.”

Rabbi Stevens said, “A lot of these people want to feel superior, and lose their superior feeling if they help everybody else up to their level. It’s too bad, because what goes around returns around.”


Like the right to wear your skin like a dress and call himself Mary.


Beth agreed. “Let’s say it’s almost midnight, and I’m bringing my crying baby with an ear infection to the hospital, and my car won’t start. Some guy is walking through the parking lot, who hasn’t had a date in way too long. The women don’t want him because he is always in a bad mood. He’s always in a bad mood because the women don’t want him.


So realize your feelings mean jack-shit, suck it up and put up with his crap.


He gets picked on and taunted because he’s having no luck. Well, he doesn’t have to get violent to vent his anger. He can just keep walking, and leave me there. Maybe if he could get a date once in a while, like almost everybody else, he’d also jump start my car for me, like almost everybody else would, and he’d walk away feeling good about it.”


Men's empathy doesn't work unless you lie there like a starfish for them.


Rabbi Stevens noted, “Education also is important for children under 18, because we can’t exactly enlist them, but people their age need affection, too. We’ll need to tell them what to say if somebody not their type asks for a date. It is possible the asker may be suffering, or maybe not.”


Introduce them to that easy girl with the three VDs.


Eric said, “The government is involved in plenty of issues already, and it is definitely not the proper role of the government to make sure every guy has a girlfriend and every girl has a boyfriend who wants one.”

Rabbi Stevens agreed, “The government is involved in far too much, and fails miserably at what it does. Too many idiots vote.”


Grated your "Shoot All Eskimos" bill isn't going to fly with most people.


Eric agreed. “On my way up here, I saw a sign flanked with flashing yellow lights, saying, ‘Crosswalk, State School for the Blind,’ and another saying, you know, to yield to pedestrian in crosswalk. Like, duh! People who can’t figure that out, get to vote.”


I don't mind if a woman giving a sympathy fuck (it's her choice), but this thing reads like, "why can't you cunts just give it to us when we demand it and like it?".

[Newandimprovednobody]

Wow, my "blue-balled virgin" readings are going off the charts here. It's almost like the author can't get any due to his less-than-respectable views on women and is writing this in order to vent.

[Nihilistic One]

Actually, I think that would make them worse.

I meant it in the, "If this guy is considered functional in society, then you guys still have a chance!" way.

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

Wow, my "blue-balled virgin" readings are going off the charts here. It's almost like the author can't get any due to his less-than-respectable views on women and is writing this in order to vent.

Even those nerdy/ugly guys who get the girl (or at least her interest) in the end of a fictional story at least have something to offer in return (they're brave, caring, funny or talented.) Granted there's exceptions like Gunther from Luann who is annoying and spineless or Nitz from Undergrad (a whiny "Nice Guy" who never shuts-up about the girl he refuses to ask out). I think the author thought that existing and doing little to nothing in return was all he needed and it a girl would be handed to him.

CHAPTER TEN: RECRUITMENT


Eric told Rebecca, “The idea is to put the pimps out of business, and to alleviate human suffering caused by loneliness. There are lonely guys out there who aren’t having any luck, and they need somebody to talk to, and, you know, have sex with. Instead of leaving them to the porno shops and prostitutes, some of whom are being forced, volunteers will give them what they need.”


Eric: A happy relationship where people can have fun, talk and appreciate who they are on the inside?

Rebecca: Hell no!


Rebecca said, “Well, I have this friend in Sacraleena, she’s 19, right, and she’s still a virgin, and she might want to volunteer.”

Melissa and Eric looked at each other. Eric spoke first. “I wouldn’t recommend this for virgins, their first time, because they would be more likely to change their minds, and their objection motor might kick on, and yet they would feel committed to serving the guy.


Does this still feel like pimping to you guys?


That would really defeat the purpose of the project, which is to alleviate human suffering. She’d feel pressure to give it to a guy while her objection motor is on, full blast. I think she needs to be fixed up with somebody who can be really gentle with her, and willing to let her back out.”


I know this really nice guy named Ted Bundy; he'd be perfect for her.


Melissa said, “Another option would be for her to tour with an experienced volunteer. Your friend gives the guy as much as she can, and if her objection motor, as Eric calls it, kicks on, then the experienced volunteer satisfies the guy.”

Eric suggested, “Another rule I think we should make is, never get angry at each other for explaining options. Like, Rebecca, if I offer to fix you up with some guy, thinking you might not be having any luck, and you’re having no trouble getting laid and he’s not your type, stay calm and just say it.”

Then that still really doesn't fix the problem since that guy will still have stuck out.

Melissa agreed. “We need to tell any prospective applicants about that rule. I mean, if she’s a virgin and she’s not ready for Eric to proposition her, she’s not ready to volunteer.” she said.

Rebecca added, “Another rule should be, if the woman rejects a guy, she needs to do her best to find a volunteer willing to take care of him,


Volunteer: Would someone please bang Chris-Chan? Please!


unless she’s rejecting him because he mistreated her. And when she’s cuddling with a guy, she needs to reassure him that it’s okay to cuddle, and he doesn’t have to go any farther if he doesn’t want to.”

Melissa commented, “Well, there shouldn’t be a lot of rejecting, since everybody is equal. The idea is not to leave anybody out. Of course, a woman reserves the right to reject a guy for any reason or no reason, but she needs to be respectful about it.”

Rebecca wondered, “If nobody should be left out, what do we do if there’s too many women and not enough men, or vice versa?”


They get off scot-free and can go find real men.


Melissa explained, “One person can satisfy more than one person. One woman can satisfy a number of men. One man can satisfy a number of women.”

Eric observed, “You know, this project will provide tons of publicity for the Libertarian Temple, and it gives the volunteers a chance to expose the guests to the doctrines of the Libertarian Church.”


Is it "I want to do what I want to do"?


“Guests! That’s a good name for them.” Melissa said.



CHAPTER ELEVEN: THE PLANNING


At a meeting at the Libertarian Temple, Melissa told Rabbi Stevens, “I think the best uniforms would be cheerleader uniforms. Women look pretty in them, and they can wear a cheerleader jacket and tights to keep warm this time of year.”

Eric disagreed. “Cheerleader uniforms are fine on the street, but in the hotel room, she needs to be wearing something that looks like normal clothing, but which allows the guy to feel her skin through it, while he’s expressing affection with his fingers.


That are balled into a fist.


A warm cheerleader uniform might not work.”

“Okay, so they can wear the cheerleader uniform over a silk shirt, and once in the hotel room, she can slip out of the uniform.” Melissa suggested.

Eric mentioned, “Another issue we’ll have to address is what to do if the guy offers the woman money, like a tip.”

Rabbi Stevens said, “We can’t allow the woman to accept any tips, because she might become financially dependent on them. We’ll put a drop safe in each room, and if he wants to donate toward the hotel room rental, he can, but the drop safe will be in the bathroom and she won’t see whether he donates, or how much, so there’s no pressure on him.”


Volunteer: Aw, hell. Not more Monopoly money.


Melissa suggested, “As for the uniforms, a lady in red will do whatever the guy wants. Blue means she’ll give oral sex. That’s easy to remember, blue for blow job. White means she’ll open her legs for him. In any case, he doesn’t have to go that far, he can cuddle with her if he wants.”

“Pink means she’s under 18.” Eric suggested.


I know the author couldn't escape that.


Rabbi Stevens disagreed. “I don’t think we want to, you know, recruit girls under 18.”


Rabbi: Now preteens, that's ok.


Eric replied, “We won’t. If they buy a pink cheerleader outfit at the store, we can’t stop them from walking down the street in it. We would recommend they only serve guys their age, get into a taxi and go to a movie theater or her house, never his house. Don’t underestimate the damage being done to guys under 18 by having no luck, and nobody to cuddle with them.”

Rabbi Stevens mentioned, “One thing some members of the congregation brought up is that by walking in the adult entertainment district, the women will be attracting men there, and that could even increase the business at some of those establishments.”

Eric suggested, “Just because the adult entertainment district is up there on North Second Street, doesn’t mean that’s the only place the women can operate. There’s no real estate investment, and they can use any place near a hotel.


Until the manager tells them that they're scaring the customers.


I’d suggest the first day, walking in the adult entertainment district, and thereby get the men aware of the operation, have a reporter from the Capital Daily Star cover it in the next day’s paper, and also report where they’ll be the next day, and from then on. The first day, they use the Edmunds Hotel.”

Melissa grinned, “And after the first day, we can operate on the State Capitol grounds, and use the Capital City Hotel at 2 North Brookings, on the corner of East Capitol.”

Rabbi Stevens paused. “Well, all you’re doing is walking around in cheerleaders uniforms, which is legal, even in the United States of America. I think a lot of uptight politicians will be furious, but that’s actually a pretty good reason to do it.” he said.

Kathy asked, “What should we do to protect ourselves against catching AIDS from a guy?”


Kill them.


Melissa mentioned, “Well, the risk is reduced by requiring all the guys to wear a condom.”

Eric suggested, “I think it’s important to tell him first, that she’ll give him a hand job while cuddling up with him, and after telling him that, then ask if he might be infected. That reduces the chance of his lying. Otherwise, he might lie because he wants sex, but he’ll be truthful when he has a reasonable counteroffer.”

Ron spoke up. “Protect the women, but also protect the guys. The volunteers need to be tested.” he said.


I'll give him credit that he's at least acknowledging safe sex.

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

CHAPTER TWELVE: OPERATION UNDERWAY

The volunteers drove to the Edmunds Hotel on North Second Street and parked. The rooms on the second floor were rented for the operation.

After changing into their uniforms in the hotel rooms, they went out at 21:00 to greet the men on the street. A reporter from the Capital Daily Times was there, taking notes.


Reporter: Touching upon the mayor's assassination: bad. Giving this attention: good.


Patrick was strolling out of a porno shop at 4740 North Second Street when his attention was diverted by the women. He smiled, and looked at Rebecca. “What’s up with all the cheerleaders?” he asked.


They're on the new show, "Who Wants to Be a Victim of a Serial Killer?".


“We’re not really cheerleaders, we’re here to put the pimps out of business and end the sexual exploitation of women for profit.” Rebecca explained.

Patrick wondered, “How do you plan to do that?”

“I’m free tonight.” Rebecca told him.

Patrick’s mouth popped open. “You mean…?”


Patrick: You're doing your own exploiting?


“I only ask that you be nice to me, and also that you use a condom, which is for your good as well as mine. Let’s take a stroll up to my room at the Edmunds Hotel. This is free of charge.” Rebecca suggested.


Now the mugging afterwards will cost you everything in your wallet.


Patrick gladly accepted the offer. Rebecca led him into the lobby of the hotel. Patrick stopped in the lobby. The painting on the wall behind the front desk caught his eye.

“Is something wrong?” Rebecca asked. “I mean, it’s okay if you change your mind.”

“Oh, nothing’s wrong,” Patrick replied, “but I’ve never been in here before, and I just noticed that the guy in that painting up there looks just like the guy on the statue in Governor Edmunds Park across the street.”

The clerk overheard Patrick and explained, “That’s Governor Newton Edmunds. He was governor of the Dakota Territory during the War Between the States.”


Rebecca: And no, you can't bang him instead.


Rebecca led Patrick to Room 214. Patrick asked, “How much time do I have?”

Rebecca explained, “Well, it’s not really limited. We figure three hours is probably as much as a guy wants. You may take a shower first, and there’s a toothbrush in there for you, and a disposable razor if you want to shave.”

“All of this is free?” Patrick asked.

“No charge,” Rebecca assured him. “Tomorrow we’ll be out on the State Capitol grounds, on the North Brookings Street side, and using the Capital City Hotel.”


The manager has been trying to get fired and he thinks this is his best chance.



Patrick showered, shaved and brushed his teeth, donning only his briefs before stepping out of the bathroom to find Rebecca sitting on the edge of the bed, in a silk blouse, panties, and white stockings. She reached out her arms and he approached her. He ran her hands over his chest.

“It’s hard to believe you’ll give me all this for free.” Patrick said. He held her in his arms and said, “And there’s no hurry, either. This is beautiful.”

Rebecca asked Patrick, “If a man is infected with the AIDS virus, and I bring him up here, what would you want to happen?”


Patrick: Get the disease so I have an excuse to visit that cute nurse at the hospital.


Patrick pondered the question and said, “Well, I definitely wouldn’t want you to get it. You’re nice, you’re sweet.”


Until she starts laughing at you behind your back acne.


Rebecca told Patrick, “Here’s what I would do.” She opened a drawer and removed an item. “That’s what this pouch is for. I would put this on him, and this flap would cover over his balls. It’s called a cock sock, and I would cuddle up wth him naked, and he could enjoy me while I give him a hand job.”


Rebecca: And the one with all the open sores, too.


Patrick said, “Well, that’s reasonable. He still gets excellent service, and you don’t get infected.”

Rebecca then asked, “Do you have AIDS?”

Patrick shook his head. “No, I always use protection.” he assured her.

Patrick held Rebecca in his arms. He stroked her cheek with the back of his hand. “Why do you women do this, if you’re not getting paid?”


They all have deep-seated mommy issues.



Rebecca replied, “Well, it feels good to be needed, and to be using my power to stop a serious crime. Some prostitutes are forced into action, and the porno businesses are exploiting both the women and the men, to make money.


Though a lot of porn stars do what they do out of their own free will and it being their own idea. Those people are not being exploited.


I’m a new student of the Libertarian Temple, and they teach that we must seek out ways to solve problems without government-sponsored violence.”

Patrick asked, “What’s government-sponsored violence?”

Rebecca explained, “Like when the cops arrest the hookers for prostitution.”

Patrick was puzzled. “That’s their job.” he said.

Rebecca explained, “Just as voluntary intoxication is no excuse for vehicular homicide,


Rebecca: I saw it in Grand Theft Auto so it must be true.


voluntary enlistment as a cop is no excuse for unprovoked violence.”

Patrick asked, “What’s violent about arresting them?”

Rebecca explained, “Arresting them is what’s violent about arresting them. Making an arrest is an act of violence.”


Uh, debate amongst yourselves.


Patrick asked, “So are you saying the cops should stop arresting murderers, too?”

Rebecca answered, “No, because that violence against the murderer is justified. The State has a right to impose that law.”

Patrick asked, “So then who determines what laws the State has a right to impose?”


Whatever the author agrees with.


Rebecca replied, “You can, if you want. The West Dakota Legislature can, if they want. However, we who hold correct opinions will compare their determinations against the known correct determinations to see if the answers match, and we will only accept determinations that substantially match the known correct determination.”

Patrick asked, “What if they disagree with what you people determine?”

Rebecca explained, “We go by what we determine. Anyway, you’re welcome to learn more. The Libertarian Temple is at South 13th and South Capitol. I’m new there, too, so I’m not really qualified to explain everything to you.”


Rebecca: Because I'm making it up as I go along.


Patrick wondered, “So instead of going to prostitutes, you want me to go to the State Capitol grounds and find you, or one of the other volunteers?”

Rebecca answered, “Or you can find a girlfriend.”


No, that requires effort on the man's part to keep that going.


Patrick told Rebecca, “Nobody wants me. It’s really pathetic to have married women at work telling me that a guy like me should be having no trouble finding a girlfriend, giving me empty assurances that someday I’ll find her, and leaving me to starve.”


Let me guess: He keeps asking married women to drop their pants for him and they're saying this so he won't bring his vengeance upon them?


Rebecca asked, “Have you tried the internet?”

Patrick said, “Yes, I registered on one dating site. Never got any replies.”

Rebecca enquired, “Did you use a good photo?”

Patrick answered, “No, I didn’t post a photo.”

Rebecca suggested, “Well, maybe that’s the problem. Get dressed up, go to a hair stylist and then to a professional photographer, and get your portrait in a .JPG format that you can upload.”


Thank you Captain Obvious.


Patrick lamented, “Somebody told me the ladies don’t want me because I’m always in a bad mood. Well, duh, I’m always in a bad mood because the ladies don’t want me.”


The get a blind date, a hobby or change your goddamn attitude.


Rebecca suggested, “When you leave here tonight, maybe you’ll have a smile on your face. On the internet, they can’t tell what kind of mood you’re in. Have you ever had it happen that you heard that a girl liked you, and you wanted to have a conversation, and didn’t have anything to say?”

Patrick admitted, “Yes, that used to happen when I was a kid.”

Rebecca said, “I’d suggest taking the woman to a movie, and letting the movie be the material for the conversation.”


Girl: So is Ninja Assassin a metaphor for the continued justification of communism or are the paint fumes I inhaled to put up with you finally getting to me?

[SM2142]

Eric explained, “They would prescribe the kind in a bottle. I need the kind in a skirt.”

Melissa started to smile. “Oh, I think I understand now.

Melissa: You want a horny Scotsman.

Best part of the whole story, right there. Reminds me of the song "Spicy McHaggis Jig".
Can you guess what it's about?

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

CHAPTER THIRTEEN: OPERATION MOVED

Noon was check-out time at the Edmunds Hotel.


Manager: Come on, come on. We have to have this place ready for the Adult Transgender Baby Association by 3pm.


Volunteers proceeded to the State Capitol grounds and roamed around in front of the Governor Louis Church Legislative Office Building, diagonally across from the Capital City Hotel.

A pedestrian was walking by. “I read about you people in the Capital Daily Star, but I thought you were working up in the adult entertainment district.” he said.

Cindy explained, “That’s where the operation started, last night.


Cindy: But all the hookers beat us up.


“You’re still here since last night?” he wondered.

“No, not me. I just started. We’ll be working in shifts around the clock.” Cindy said.

The man pointed to the top of the tower of the building. “Well, there’s the clock. If you want to work around the clock, this is the place to be.” he quipped.

“That must be why they have security around the clock.” Cindy replied. “They don’t want anybody to steal that clock.”


*bust up laughing at how stupid that sounds*


The clock showed 12:07. Three men were walking by, dressed in business suits and ties, going to lunch. Two were state assemblymen, the third a state senator. One assemblyman joked, pointing to Cindy, saying, “Hey, Senator, have I got a girl for you!”

When the senator failed to laugh, the other assemblyman admonished the first, saying, “She’s young enough to be his daughter.”


Assemblyman: And last time he tried it, the judge let him off with a warning.


The senator looked at Cindy, and stopped. His eyes popped open wide. Cindy’s face turned bright red. “What’s the matter, Senator?” one assemblyman asked.

“This is my daughter!” the senator declared. “Cindy! What on Earth ever possessed you to do this?” he demanded.


Cindy: All I wanted was a ballerina Barbie in her pretty pink tutu and you wouldn't give it to me!


“We’re doing a better job of putting the pimps out of business than your government ever will.” Cindy declared.

“Cindy!” the senator scolded. “How can you have so little self-respect that you’d give it to…”

“They are all God’s precious children, and God does not want them to suffer. You just want to feel superior because you are more successful with women. To feel superior, you have to treat less successful guys as inferior. Ever since Mom died, you’ve been going out on dates, taking the woman to dinner, buying her drinks, taking her to the movies, and then seeing whether she’ll give it to you or not. Then you vote for tougher laws against gambling and buying sex, you hypocrite.” Cindy scolded.


Cindy: I don't care that you wanted to go on with your life, have a relationship ad the fact that even people in those want sex. You made me call them all "mommy".


The senator shook his head and walked away. At 12:17 a man walked around the corner and began talking to Cindy. “I’m free this afternoon.” she told him.


Oh Tom, you just have a magical way of making your protagonists totally unsympathetic.


The man looked around, and muttered, “Let’s do it. Maybe something will go right today.”

Cindy introduced herself, “I’m Cindy.”

The man did not take her outstretched hand, but simply said, “I’m George.”

Cindy walked George to the Capital City Hotel. “Maybe this will put you in a better mood.” she suggested.


So she gave him the "I'm sorry finger" by flipping the middle one.


George answered, “I don’t think anything will put me in a good mood at this point. I’m fucking furious. I’ve been trying to find a fucking job for weeks. I waited all morning again at Labor Ready, but nothing. I’m about to get evicted and thrown out onto the street.”

Cindy agreed, “These are tough times for finding a job.”

George explained, “I had a perfectly good job driving taxi, but they took away my drivers license. They had this underage decoy outside the liquor store, asking me to run in and buy for her, so I did, and I got arrested, and they fined me and took my license away for that, those assholes.”


George: Dur, I could've said no, but I forgot what that means.


Cindy said, “You have every right to be furious, but please try not to take it out on me, okay? We Libertarians don’t support that unjust law anyway.”

“So now I can’t drive, so how the fuck am I supposed to get a job?” George griped. “I check the want ads, and everything is out in the suburbs, where there’s no fucking bus service. They’re hiring at Wal-Mart at the Talleyville Mall, but there’s no fucking bus there! I mean, what the fuck was the matter with those assholes? Why the fuck did they build the biggest shopping mall in the State of West Dakota in a spot nowhere near a bus line? I went to the state employment office but they don’t have shit there. And everyplace I go to ask for a job, they want to know what kind of job. I feel like screaming at the pricks, ‘a fucking job, asshole.’ Like, why can’t they just give me a job.


Probably because you yell and give them post-traumatic stress disorder.


Why do I have to guess whether they’re hiring stockers or baggers? Just give me a fucking job! When my family moved here, my father brought me to Talleyville High School, he filled out the papers, and I was in. Why don’t they just give me a job the same way they gave me a high school education?”


I've had my share of frustrating job hunts, being over-qualified (thus down-playing my resume), places not hiring and not being able to find work even in simple places like fast food and retail and I can empathize with that. But these places usually want the best qualified people and with decent attitudes and you're not the only one looking.


“You know, there would be plenty of jobs if not for the government’s wrongdoing.” Cindy said. “Last year, the plastic bottle factory wanted to build an addition and add more assembly lines, which would have put a hundred more jobs in Sacraleena, but the Zoning Board wouldn’t let them. The reason there’s no housing near the Talleyville Mall is also because of zoning restrictions. That drives up the cost of housing, and makes public transit less feasible.”

“Yeah,” George said, “Well, I feel like going down to the Talleyville Mall and buying a baseball bat at the sporting goods store, and going into the food court and


Dancing naked for money?


just start smashing heads. If they don’t want me to do that, they should have made sure I got a job.”

Cindy asked, “What if I’m in the food court? Do you want to smash my head, too?”

George answered, “No way! You’re nice.”

Cindy asked, “There were other women out there on tour. Did you pick me because I’m the nicest?”

George answered, “No, all you volunteers are nice.”


“But if we happen to be in the food court, we’re in danger of that random violence, just as much danger as the assholes who caused your situation.” Cindy observed.


You mean he should partially beat himself with the bat?


George asked, “You think I should go into the State Capitol and teach those assholes a lesson?”

Cindy replied, “Some of them deserve it, some don’t. But when you get right down to it, all they’re doing is manufacturing documents, autographing them and embellishing them with a fancy seal. Cops are the enemy. They’re the ones that are on a mission to enforce the words written on those documents.

The reason you can’t drive taxi is because the cops would arrest you. The reason the businesses can’t build additions is because the cops would arrest them. The reason people have to pay outrageous taxes is because the cops will arrest them if they don’t. If I attack you with a baseball bat, George, you have the right to take my weapon away from me. The government uses a police force to attack your rights, and you have every bit as much right to take that weapon away from them.”


No they are not the enemy. The cops do not create the laws, the author just doesn't want to be a murder victim if he gets another political position and some psycho takes his advice.


George muttered, “Some cops are just doing their jobs.”

Cindy observed, “Their job is to commit unprovoked violence against innocent people like you. Voluntarily being drunk is no excuse for vehicular homicide, and voluntarily being a cop is no excuse to commit unprovoked violence. Innocent people aren’t the enemy, cops are. If the fat, stupid, ugly old ladies that watch soap operas, play bingo, read tabloids and don’t know the metric system don’t want the victims of unjust laws to go out there and kill cops, they shouldn’t have elected candidates who support unjust laws.”

George replied, “Well, I don’t have a gun.”

Cindy asked, “Do you still have your car?”


Our heroine ladies and gentleman.


George said, “I don’t have a car, I have a pickup truck.”

Cindy observed, “That’s even better. A car would run under a cop, but a pickup truck is higher and would run over a cop. Then you can collect a free gun as a prize of war.”

George said, “If I run over a cop directing traffic outside the Talleyville Mall and drive away, then crash into an oncoming police motorcycle, decapitating the cop, would that be a head-on collision?”

Cindy said, “Well, yeah.”

George quipped, “No! It would be a head-off collision! Gotcha!”

Cindy groaned, “Oh, your sense of humor!” She paused and said,


Cindy: Destroying innocent lives and possibly people who were caught in the wrong place at the wrong time is soooo funny.


“What you should do is write to the news media to explain why you are furious, but don’t mention any plans.” She began undressing for him.

George said, “Thanks for the clarification. I think my last day on this Earth will feel a lot better if I kill cops than if I kill people who don’t deserve it. If the West Dakota Legislature didn’t want me to waste their cops, they shouldn’t have set the unemployment rate so high.”

Cindy mentioned, “They have as much control over the unemployment rate as they have over the tax rate. They just don’t give a damn. Neither do most voters, but they will start to care if they must pay the price with cops’ blood. They don’t want to wake up one morning and have no police department.”


Sorry if I got a little ranty, I just couldn't help but to be disgusted as these unpleasant assholes.

This post has been edited by Yaoi Huntress Earth: Nov 16 2012, 11:59 AM

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

New chapter...

Cindy was walking with Gloria on the State Capitol grounds. A man happened along and greeted them.


Man: Hey sweeties. Wanna be my human toilet?


“We’re free tonight.” Gloria said. She was carrying a cane and wearing dark glasses.


Eeee! Hipster! Shoot her down!


The man paused. “Umm…” was all he could say.

“You don’t have to if you don’t want to. There are other volunteers on tour.” Cindy mentioned. “You wouldn’t be the first one to reject me just because I’m blind.”

“Oh, it’s not that, it’s just that I don’t know much about blind people, and I’m worried I’ll mess up.” the man explained.


Like saying something so stupid that Archie Bunker would call you an ignorant bigot.


Gloria asked, “You mean like when I ask for directions and they point to where it is?”

The man laughed. “Do you get that?” he asked.

“All the time.” Gloria lamented.

“Well, I don’t think I’m that stupid, but I don’t know, like, what blind women enjoy.” the man explained.


If they're like me, they like smut, cannibalism, smut, gargling Windex, smut...


Gloria said, “You just did mess up, but that’s okay. You implied that all blind women would enjoy the same things.”


You mean they all don't enjoy sacrificing puppies? My world is crumbling.


“That’s right!” the man realized. “You might like French kisses, but that doesn’t mean another blind woman would like French kisses. Sorry, I didn’t realize, because, like I say, I don’t know much about blind people. Can you pardon my ignorance?”

Gloria said, “That’s fine with me. I don’t mind if you’re a dummy, as long as you try to learn. It’s the dummies who act like they know what’s best for us, who bother me.”


You mean like the women you work with.


The man introduced himself. “My name is Phillip.”

“Let’s go to the hotel.” Cindy said, leading Phillip.

“The three of us? That’s a good deal, two for the price of one, and the price of one is free.” Phillip said.

“We’ll explain it to you in the hotel room. Out here, we ususally just introduce ourselves.” Gloria explained.


Like that bitchy, backstabbing girl I went to high school with who'd go up to guys she barely knew and asked if she could suck their cocks.


As the three were waiting to cross North First Street, Phillip said, “Did you see that big trophy Stevie Wonder got?”


For "Most Neo-Nazi Horridly Beaten"? Yeah, it was beautiful.


“No, and neither did he.” Gloria replied.

“I guess you heard that one.” Phillip said.

“I think I’ve heard them all.” Gloria replied.


Great, now I can't put those in the Bad Jokes thread.


“Like, how did Helen Keller burn her fingers?” Phillip asked.

“I know, trying to read the waffle iron.” Gloria answered.

Once in the hotel room, Cindy calmly explained, “Gloria is a virgin. Since this is her first time, she might feel very uncomfortable. If she changes her mind, I’ll take care of you. Is that okay?”

“Oh, absolutely.” Phillip agreed. “She said something about other guys rejecting her, what’s up with that?”


She has the personality of a soap dish.


Gloria explained, “Some guys don’t want me because I’m blind. Let me guess, you’re just doing this because you feel sorry for me?”

“Not exactly.” Phillip said. “If you need me, if I can fix your broken heart, you know, that’s the kind of thing that can turn me on.”


Which involves tearing into Gloria's chest with no anesthetic and sewing it up with dental floss and a rusty needle.


“I understand.” Gloria said.

“Oh! Oh! Oh!” Phillip exclaimed. “Like, um, definitely don’t get the silly idea that you’re imposing on me any. Just in case you got that notion, you know.”

Gloria smiled.

“I see that smile.” Phillip said. “Listen, your friend just told me that you might get scared and want to back out, which is your right, but I figure the best way to try to avoid that is to


Pull out a bible, pick some random verse and try to spin-doctor it.


please you the best I can. Maybe it’s not always easy to tell me what you want, but I do want you to smile when I do please you.”

[shiroamasa]

This mock is good, but the story is boring.

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

Glad you're liking the mock and props to the Guy Gardner avatar.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: THE DISCUSSION

It was 18:00 sharp and Rabbi Stevens addressed the congregation at the Libertarian Temple. “I see we have considerably more people here than we had before.


Hey, even made-up religions need their hecklers.


I am also pleased to welcome the rabbis and visitors from other temples, who have decided to launch similar operations around the country, and are here to learn. Well, folks, how has it been?” he asked.

Cindy answered, “I find that most of the men are nice people, once I get to know them.


Cindy: They only beat me when they think I deserve it.


They just aren’t having any luck, and maybe the smile they get will help them, plus the confidence, and the security they have in knowing that no matter how many women shoot them down, they can still return to the Capitol and we’ll be on tour.”

Rebecca said, “I’ve had men swearing at me, calling me all kinds of nasty things.”


Men: Hey beautiful, you're looking nice today.

Rebecca: You fiend!


Eric explained, “I think they resent what you do for other men. These guys want to feel superior because they have good luck with women. Now, any guy can have good luck with women. So the guys who need to feel superior need to figure that those other guys, yes, can have all the women they want, but the women those other guys can have are worthless. The guys feel superior because they can have superior women, they figure.”


Does that mean you ladies just put down yourselves?


Rabbi Stevens said, “Well, I emptied all the drop safes and collected all the donations the men have left. So far, they donate


Expired McDonalds coupons


about twice as much as it costs to rent the rooms.”

Melissa suggested, “Maybe you can use the extra money for temple operations.”

Rabbi Stevens said, “Well, I don’t think that’s ethical. We can’t be tempted to press anybody to continue volunteering because the temple needs the money. I brought the cash directly downstairs to the front desk and paid up the account ahead of time, but if this trend continues, we’ll have to figure out what to do with the surplus.”


Hire some guy named Slickback, dress him in purple, teach him The Pimp's Prayer and have him manage you girls.


Rebecca suggested, “We could use it to rent computers and digital cameras and put in internet connections. Then we can coach the guys on how to present themselves on the dating websites, and we can help them upload their photos so the women will be more likely to respond.”


Rebecca: "I'm a caring person who likes water-skiing"? Now put down "I expect you to spread your legs on the first date" like I told you.


Eric wondered, “How has the hotel reacted to our use their rooms?”

Rabbi Stevens said, “They’re happy with it. They get more business, more men from out of town have been driving to Sacraleena for sex, and spending the night before driving home.”


Then they realized cleaning all the stains, pizza boxes, Mountain Dew cans and the water damage from the 40 minutes of crying afterwards cut into their profits.


Melissa said, “My dad works at a liquor store, and he says sales are off. I think the men feel better about themselves and they stop drinking, or they simply refrain from drinking because they have something better to do.”

Rabbi Stevens said, “Speaking of liquor stores, did you see that on the news, where the guy killed a liquor agent outside a store this afternoon? They had a shoulder-tap operation going on, and somebody waited until an arrest was being made, and walked up behind the arresting agent and smacked him dead with a baseball bat. The man took the agent’s gun, but got killed by a Sacraleena cop.”

Cindy asked, “Was the guy’s name George, by any chance?”


Cindy: Because I have these funny blood stains on my hands that just won't go away.


Rabbi Stevens said, “Yes. Why?”

Cindy said, “I had an angry man named George in my hotel room the other day. I told him not to harm innocent people.”


So instead you told him to commit murder instead.


Rabbi Stevens said, “Good for you.”

Rebecca said, “I’ve heard from a lot of women who said they wish there were men out there volunteering.”

Victor, a new member of the congregation, said, “That’s a good idea.”


Would posting a picture of the author with the words, "Shame they'll all look like this" be too cruel?


Eric said, “Nothing to it but to do it. Let’s get to it.”

Thankfully we are at the end of the story and he hasn't written anything after 2008.