Nameless Planetarian Lemon, ...uhhh...for the lulz?...
Nameless Planetarian Lemon, ...uhhh...for the lulz?...
I Accidentally The Planetarium
Joined: 7-February 12
Member No.: 605
May 1 2012, 08:36 AM
You know, Rule 34 is a fickle thing.
Yeah, if it exists there's porn of it, especially bad porn. But this only works as well as the Internet can hold it up. Take one of my favorite things ever, visual novel Planetarian by Key. It's sappy and short but it's also heartwearming and I cried like a total bitch at the end. Multiple times. The player sees things from the eyes of an armed Fallout-esque scavenger known as The Junker who's never seen onscreen and there's only ever one character seen, this sprightly little robot: Hoshino Yumemi, or Reverie Planetarian in the fan-translation.
This is her. Right here. Cocked head and confused expression and everything. She's a naive little soul who lives inside an abandoned planetarium after a devastating, apocalyptic global war and if I go on any more I'll end up writing an intro longer than the damn fic.
Point is that Planetarian is popular and well-liked but it's not what you'd call mainstream. It needs more love, and when it gets buttrape instead, the bad news travels fast through whoever cares, except me, of course, since I'm not precisely what you'd call a punctual fan.
So when I found someone's compilation of posts on some Image Board of some really bad Planetarian lemon several years ago I decided I'd riff it. I did it terribly, it'd never hold muster anywhere. The riffing never made it outside until I opened up my first riffing attempts on LJ a couple years later. That one was far improved but wasn't the kind of riffing done here on AFTER.
And as fate would have it, when the Image Boards moved on, archived, moved and deleted threads as they always do, the original fic and thread disappeared-meaning I and these boards now probably possess the only proof that this story even existed.
And so here we are. Project AFTER, this is the nameless Planetarian Lemon, with the Imageshack screencap of the archived story sometimes referred to as "Planetarian Abridged." Time to break out the nice shade of blue, which oddly enough looks like it's the shade of Reverie's hair color...
“Ah, Customer-san? There seems to be an excess of crusty white protein content in my optical receptors. Maintenance has been called, I apologize.
Known issue. They'll fix it in the latest version of his spooge.
Whilst I wait for them I will continue to help keep your reproductive organ from getting cold.
Too cold and it'll stall when you put into gear.
Is it warm enough yet? Eh? With my mouth? As you wish, Customer-san.”
*slurp slurp slurp*
Gotta love the descriptive text. For all we know this could be two losers making sex jokes about Planetarian while one of them noisily downs a double-thick milkshake.
By the way, there's no sex in the Planetarian visual novel. None whatsoever.
“Haff you hearth abou the Plametariumth?”
Oh, thister, I hear it'th FAAAAAA-BULOUS!
"I need your help to fix it."
Fix WHAT, the whole damn planetarium? Junker's got a construction business on the side or something?
"Yes, customer-sama! I will help in any way I can."
"Then get on all fours on top of the projector."
Yeah, because clambering all over THIS thing...
...with no handholds and then staying on it on all fours is just that easy.
"Yes. I'm sorry, Jena-san
Like this pose that has no accompanying descriptive text or proper illustrations or anything?
On the board this thing had no actual illustrations (thank the entire damn pantheon) save for screencaps lifted from the actual visual novel. No photoshop, no fanart, no nothing.
I can't believe I'm berating what's basically a trollfic for not going far enough. What the hell is wrong with me?
I had long given up hope of sex ever again, so I could barely resist even the CLANG CLANG of a metal vagina.
Thankfully, clangfic never took off like clopfic did. I think I could only ever stand one or the other.
She didn't try to move, though my thrusting rocked her back and forth.
I'm so going to laugh when they break the projector doing that AND fall off this delicate non-load-bearing structure for good measure.
Her expression remained optimistic and eager to help, even as I spanked her ass of aluminium.
"Customer-sama, do you think the projector will be ready for the 4 o'clock screening?"
Well it'll soon be greased! HIYOOO!
The antique projector shuddered under the weight of our fucking, its globes cracking then shattering under the repeated impact.
HAH! I knew it!
"Don't talk. The repair process is difficult and I need to concentrate."
And it just got a whole lot longer.
"Understood, Customer-sama," she replied cheerily, as I pushed her head down.
He said as he put her face closer to all the shards and little metal pieces of the projector.
As I thrust ever deeper and harder I found that in place of a g-spot she had an actual button I could press with my cock.
An e-spot, if you will.
Huh, I didn't know Reverie was one of the Chobits.
It beeped every time I hit it.
If he thrust a few more times she'll give him the Jackpot and go into Multiball mode.
I rammed it over and over until the beeps were almost a continuous tone.
Heart beat's going irregular! I don't think I can save her! Nurse, get me ten CCs of sedative, STAT!
Steam began to come out of her ears.
TO BE CONTINUED
Right now, as a matter of fact.
"Ahh, no, customer-sama ... ATASHI NO SECRET BUTTON!!!!"
That's her self-destruct switch, you idiot! What the hell are you DOING?!
I heard the shifting of gears and machinery coming from inside her.
And then she turned into a truck!
The colour-coded ribbon tags that spooled out from her head suddenly turned the colours of hope. Freedom.
I remembered those feelings.
I remembered those colours.
RED WHITE AND BLUE, MOTHERFUCKERS.
What, like France?
The Philippines? Iceland, maybe? The Czech Republic perhaps?
THIS WORLD COULD YET BE SAVED.
Great blue jets of fire blasted out her robo-asshole and suddenly we were airborne.
What, while he's still up the hilt in her? I'm gonna laugh when he realizes she's setting his crotch on fire.
Two giant handlebars like the ones on a chopper shot out of her ears.
I grabbed them and revved up my Reverie like I was Easy Rider.
The glass of the Planetarium ceiling shattered as we burst through.
If you want to view paradise...
Way below on the ground those robocop ripoffs fired at us but they couldn't touch us. Not even the rain could.
Reverie plays shit tons of Touhou.
We were going way too fast.
"Customer-sama, we are beyond the three kilometer radius from the Planetarium. Is your car nearby?"
"Yeah, just a little further ..."
Just gotta circle the globe a couple times first.
I looked around us. We were in space. No. HYPERSPACE.
Stars blurred around us.
"Oh, Customer-sama ... can you see it? venus !
Yeah, we're drifting into its orbit!
It's beautiful ... blah blah blah stars blah blah blah hope for all mankind ..."
Heh, it's Planetarian if Reverie were as cynical as the Junker. "Yeah, yeah, blah blah stars, blah blah space crap, blah blah, I'm not feeling it today..."
TO BE CONTINUED
But as soon as it appeared Venus was only a dot behind us.
The exhilaration of the speed got to me. All I had known in my life was war. Now, there was also botsex.
Wouldn't that get you banned from Steam?
And I was horny as hell.
"This is the final phase of the repair process. I need to put my penis in there."
Wherever "there" is.
"Oh, but ... Customer-sama? That's where I store my ..."
"I know. You're going to have to trust me. I won't do anything to hurt them."
"Except this, of course. By the way, what are we talking about again?"
For the first time she resisted me, was apprehensive.
I guess they realized that there's no air in space and the lack of oxygen is making Leisure Bandolier Larry over here go even loopier.
They must have meant a lot to her. That's what made it so arousing. I jammed it in. The speed. The worry on her face. I came within seconds.
You laugh, but at those relativistic speeds that could take hours.
"Customer-san? Ahhhh, NO! ATASHI NO ... CHERISHED MEMORIES!!!"
Her memory banks were flooded sticky with my junker jizz.
Forget how fucked-up this is for a second: is he insinuating that his dick is THAT tiny? Dude slammed his cock into a memory card slot! What is she, a Nintendo 64 controller?
Panicking, she tried desperately to access them. Somewhere in all that circuitry she must've known her memories were all she had left of that time.
Oh, no, her memories! She'd better have someone save them to a backup or put them in a safe database. OH WAIT. NUCLEAR APOCALYPSE.
When the Planetarium was teeming with customers.
Now she could only see it knee-deep in my baby juice.
When wide-eyed children, inheritors of the stars and the future,
Middle-schoolers, dance class students, infants, ginger kids, I could go on all day.
would talk and smile at her like she were just another person. Like any human.
Now to her recollection those children were being carried away on a semen tsunami.
Her colleagues, the customers, her designer...
All would be DEEPLY ashamed of her right now.
they all faded away as her memory became a blank white canvas.
Aren't there easier ways to do a full system restore?
Actually wait, that too was my jizz.
She wept, her body breaking down as her mind did.
From her robo-asshole-cyber-exhaust
there came now only a sputtering of smoke.
Oh, that's nothing, she just had the three-bean burrito today.
There was a planet on the horizon that we glided slowly towards, approaching its gravitational pull.
TO BE CONCLUDED
"Customer-san," she managed between sobs, "... is it fixed? Will it be ready for the 4 o'clock screening?"
"Oh, and are we going to get to your car at some point?"
"Yes. Yes, it's all fixed now."
"Thank you ... Jena-san will be so happy ... oh!"
The entry velocity of the planet began to ignite her skin as the planet pulled us towards it.
Joseph Kittinger, eat your heart out.
"I will protect you, Customer-san! Please let me shield you!"
COME AT ME, PLANET!
Bits and pieces of her came away in the atmosphere as we hurtled towards it.
She would survive this and become The Fury afterwards, right?
"You will be OK ... I am made of durable materials ..."
In clouds of shards, in smithereens, her body disintegrated. Only her upper torso remained.
"Customer-san ... I will not make it ... my last wish ... my only wish ... is that humans and robots can live together ..."
And failing that, a landing on something soft!
She smiled and kept going.
"Please do not divide heaven into two ..."
The fences would cost a ton and be really time-consuming to put up.
This was about all I could take.
"You stupid broken piece of trash. There aren't two heavens.
"There's, like, seven! I know because that TV show says so!"
There's heaven, and there's hell. That's where the robots go!"
Imagine where else this conversation would lead.
"Wait! Can a robot really go to hell if it's questionable that it even has a soul?"
"Don't you think there are more pressing issues right now?!"
I spat right in her face, but she was already dead. I had actually expected the spit to fly back in mine, at the speed that we were going. But we had landed. She was a black smudge of ash on my palm.
I on the other hand, had suffered a grazed knee. Ouchy.
I looked around at the planet.
Watch, he's going to look off to one side and see the head of the Statue of Liberty several yards from where he's standing.
I was in some sort of alien city. There was no rain and the sky was blue. What kind of freakshow was this place?
I knew as soon as I saw the Planetarium. It was bustling with customers. I was on Earth.
30 years earlier.
He should be lucky he didn't collide with Superman going the other way.
Just how fast had we been going, Reverie? In fact, I thought I might ask her myself.
The customers parted to let me through, and there she was. In her prime, in her element, useful and happy.
Well...at least for the next couple minutes, anyway.
"Welcome to the Planetarium, Customer-sama! My name is Reverie! Is this your first visit?"
"Uhhh...chronologically, or by experience?"
"I would like assistance walking to my car."
"Yes! I will come with you, customer-sama!"
In what way, precisely? I've got my eye on you, fanfic!
Oh good, every time I read this I swear my brain atrophies a little-
And somewhere in the firey inferno where the damned souls and the soulless automatons spend their eternity in torment, Reverie stood,
Outta the way, Bender, new arrivals first.
complete but forever forsaken by the light of heaven, attempting to make her case to the demonic overlord, who for some reason insisted on singing his responses...
Ever since that first Guitar Hero appearance, Lou was never quite the same again...
"Satan-sama, just tell me why!"
Stop chasing Arle Nadja! She's not into you!
...nobody's gonna get that, are they...
"Please read this 55-page warrant~"
"There must be robots worse than I!"
"We checked around, there really aren't~"
Careful there, any more bars and Bender's gonna sue.
"Then please let me explain, my crimes were merely girlish pranks~"
"YOU STOLE FROM BOY SCOUTS, NUNS AND BANKS!"
"Please do not blame me, blame my upbringing!"
Yeah, see, she was manufactured in da hood. That'll do that to you.
"PLEASE STOP SINGING WHILE I'M SINGING."
...yeah. So you know what, just find Planetarian, get the English patch and translation, proper fonts and everything, and just read that. I feel like I gotta in order to make up for this thing. Blegh.
This post has been edited by Airrider: May 1 2012, 12:51 PM
Riffings On Hold:
Twisted Metal: Anime Ambush
DID WARS Supplementary Material
The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle
Nameless Planetarian Lemon
Little Bakery Of Horrors
Concrete And Wolf
Star Destroyers Rampant
"The SDR-5V Spider introduces the Inner Sphere to the future of battlefield fleeing. Blasts, barrages, or bombardments; when running isn't good enough, be good enough to Run Big."
~Zack Parsons of SomethingAwful, Dorkiest Mechs of 3025
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