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> The Hate Virgins, "Alien" ain't got shit on this.
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Max-Vader


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post Apr 24 2012, 03:07 PM
Somewhere in the bowels of the internet, there exists a place called sburbchan (and 413chan, for that matter). It is a vile place, basically 4Chan for Homestuck-fans. And it has a fanfiction-category. That's where I found this one. The intended reaction from the readers was this:

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However, I think your reaction will be the same as mine:

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Let me put my point in another way. You see this?

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That's Feferi drawn by some goddamn diaper fetishist. And I promise you, this fanfic will make this picture seem like the hottest thing ever in comparison. I haven't seen shit like this since that one chapter in "My Little Fetish". But enough buildup, let's fill some buckets.

"Why did I make that promise?", thought John to himself
"Because you really love her.", answered an imaginary Rose


Boy, is she gonna eat those words...

Then the imaginary Rose then begin to berate John for falling in love with a female of an alien species whose closest concept of that emotion was vague at best.
John blinked his eyes and he focused his mind at the task at hand, which was keeping Vriska pinned to the floor by sitting on her torso.


Wait, are we already doing that? Without buildup?

More so, keeping her arms pinned in such away that Vriska could not use them to put him to sleep with her manipul8tion powers. He had managed to gain the superior position through a hilarious prank involving a banana peel and he needed to keep it.

Okay, that sounds more like John.

John thought about his ongoing friendship with Vriska and how over the years since adventuring together he couldn't help think that there was something more developing between them. He looked back on that promise and the kiss the followed, John's first. Vriska's mouth tasted awful, but the act of pressing his lips to hers felt so right.

So except for the part where it was shitty, it was awesome. Got it.

Right then and there, John knew he would help her in any way possible.
Vriska writhed and bucked in an attempt to free herself. John woke up from his daydream in time to prevent her escape. John next recalled Vriska's problem. That she had never experienced black romance.


Poor Eridan, instead of being forever alone, he now simply vanished from existence alltogether.

How, she asked him to promise her that he would bring her into that state no matter the cost. Based on what Karkat had told him, this was serious problem. But, Karkat's prescribed course of action was so vile!

After all, forcing someone to watch Karkat's shitty romance flicks qualifies even aming the Trolls as cruel and unusual punishment.

John wondered what would Rose and Jade would think of him if either of them ever found out. He then thought about his relationship with Vriska. If he chickened out now, it would be over. If he were successful in bringing Vriska into black romance even for a short time, would he even survive? Karkat stated several times that trolls in throes of black romance become incredibly strong and a troll who enters that state of mind for the first time ought to be terrifying.

Good thing Vriska is already terrifying, eh?

John looked down at Vriska. He saw her struggles and litany of insults for what they were, play hate. He closed his eyes and understood that he had been manipulated into this no-win situation, not by psychic powers, but by mere feminine wiles. Summoning every bit of his MANGRIT John brought both of Vriska's hands together and held them tightly against his chest with one of his arms, this freed up a hand to put Karkat's plan into action. A single tear fell from one of John's eyes and landed on Vriska's snout.

Trolls are pigs now. M-kay. Oh well, it's not like this fanfic hasn't already raped canon to hell and back.

"What are you doing you goddamn 8lu88ering pansy?", sneered Vriska
She got her answer when John worked the fingertips of his free hand between her skin and her pants.


Attached Image

Prepare your anus.

"DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE!", Vriska's voice became more and more shrill, "YOU GOD DAMNNED SON OF 8ITCH! DON'T YOU EVEN FUCKING DARE!"
As John thoroughly explored the differences between Earth girls and Alternian girls, Vriska's mind boiled with rage. With that rage came the raw strength to buck John off of herself. He was hurled off, landed badly on his shoulder, and rolled into a sitting position some distance from Vriska.
"YOU MOTHERGRU8 RAPING SHITHIVE 8ASTARD!", screamed Vriska mixing her species insults, "NO8ODY DOES THAT TO A LADY WITHOUT HER CONSENT! NOT EVEN TO A LOW 8LOOD!


Vriska, you disappoint me. Have you not read yur own ancestors journal?

YOU ARE FUCKING DEAD JOHN EG8ERT HUMAN!"
Virska's speech then degenerated into a tourette syndrome suffer's stream of mixed up troll and human insults.
"Damn it, she's still capable of speaking.", thought John, "She is so close, if I could do one thing more..."


With female trolls, it's like with Pringles. Once you pop, you can't stop.

John then noticed a warm, moist, and sticky feeling on one of his hands. He raised it up to get a better look at his fingers. They were coated in a mostly clear fluid with a slight blue tint.
John looked at his impending doom advancing slowly towards him and thought, "Why the hell not?"


You know, when you look at all the possible options, what makes you think JOHN of all people would make for great rapist-material? How about Bro? Cal? Lord English? Vriska? Me?

He raised his coated fingers to his mouth in full view of Vriska and sampled the alien ambrosia. First he tried a small lick, then another one, and followed by all his fingers crammed into his mouth. John sucked greedily upon them. Vriska froze in attack posture as her enraged mind processed this newest display of human depravity.

WE ARE THE MOST PERVERTED SPECIES IN THE UNIVERSE AND FUCKING PROUD OF IT!

She was struck dumb, her lips and mouth moved, but no sounds would come out. Her urge to make any noise built until she grabbed her own horns with intent to break them.
Then she howled.


Were-Vriska?

John's heart skipped a beat at the sound and when Vriska's howl swept across him, his vision blurred. John was paralyzed by fear, terrified beyond the capacity for rational thought. All that ran through his mind was what Karkat told him earlier. If things got predictably violent, then John could take pride in being successful in a way that no other troll had yet to be.
John eventually noticed the Vriska had stopped howling. He focused on her body posture and noticed she was more relaxed. Next, he saw her flip her hair back. Finally, she walked toward him with strut of a dominatrix.


So in other words, like always.

The hairs on the back of John's neck rose as Vriska neared. She reached down grabbed a fist full of John's hair and lifted him with one arm to his feet. They gazed into each other's eyes. Vriska saw exactly what she desired to see, fear. John could not detect any friendship. Gone too was any hints of affection. All that John could see in her gaze was MALICE.
Vriska smiled wickedly and spoke, "So, you seemed to enjoy my flavor..."


"Yeah, but why does your vagina taste like blueberry pie?"

"W-what ar-are y-you p-planning?", stammered John
"I'll give you three clues. It involves you, me, and a pail...", she answered mysteriously
"Why?", begged John


Because God is dead. Even the almighty creator was not immune to golden cane-machinegun bullets.

"8ecause stupid, you helped me with my virginity pro8lem.", she cackled like witch for a moment, "So now I'm going to help you with YOURS!"
She began to drag John by his hair to her chambers. His protestations and pleadings for mercy provided sweeps of entertainment for the other trolls.


So much for them being friends, huh? Also, where the fuck are his three earth-companions?

In the gloom of Vriska's spider webbed chambers a large electric motor screamed to life and then died down again.
John snapped wide awake. He recalled his latest memories, how Vriska became more and more annoyed at his chanting "NO!, means NO!".


Well, it seems John has become something worse than a rapist. A hypocritical rapist.

Which caused her to use her manipul8tion powers to put him to sleep. He felt his scalp and lower back ache. John wondered if she had dragged him by his hair up and down every flight of stairs in this strange lab asteroid the trolls picked to live in. Then, he felt the coolness of the floor and realized he was naked.

Oh yeah, that's the last thing I would notice, too.

He looked around saw Vriska, naked, on the far the room operating her personal upgraded alchemiter. Her husktop was on wheeled cart near her with a probe that ran from the husktop to a beaker full of blue fluid with white strips floating in it. John could not see what was displayed on the husktop from where he lay. He tried to stand up. It was then John discovered that his feet were encased in a web, which ran from his feet to a complex pulley system.

Bloody hell. Literally.

John followed the pulley's track and noticed it traveled over the large electric motor.
John felt fresh pain from his groin and examined the area. The area was smeared with the blue tinted clear fluid he had sampled earlier and fresh scratches. They were not deep enough to draw blood, but John felt as if Vriska had removed an entire layer of skin from the area.


"You really suck at shaving, you know that?"

John tried to piece together what happened while he was unconscious. Vriska dragged him here, and stripped herself and him. Then, she attempted to have her way with him, but failed because of her lack of understanding of the human mating process. Now, the frustrated Vriska had a new plan.
"But why the scratches? What was it she was trying to find?", thought John to himself


Diamonds from Sierra Leone?

"Ugnnn! There!", grunted Vriska as she placed a John-sized blender container onto the large electric motor. She activated the fully assembled blender, it's whirly blades sparkled like a malevolent diamond in the dim light. John listened to Vriska orally reveiw her scheme.

As opposed to what, vaginally?!

"First, he gets pulped in there.", mused Vriska thoughtfully while looking at the completed blender
"Then, I'll filter out the chunky 8its.", she continued
"Finally, into the pail he goes!", she said way too cheerfully while staring at her kismesis pail


You know, if you made a list of the top ten shittiest ideas all Homestuck-characters ever had, this one would be WAY fucking up there.

Vriska pushed a button on her husktop. John's heart began to pound as he felt the webbing holding his feet was pulled upwards.
"Hey! What the?", John shouted out as he hanged upside down
"Oh? Finally awake?", sarcastically answered Vriska as she pressed another button.


Wake up and smell the ashes, Mr. Egbert.

"Why are you doing this?", questioned John as he traveled over to the blender.
"Remem8er when you told me you wished for children? Even though you are a complete failure as a troll, I have decided to grant you your wish. I have noticed that you have certain qualities that I wish to give our descendants.", said Vriska


For example, his amazing brainpower.

"Like?", asked John as he nervously examined the large blender and it's whirling pulping blades below him
"For starters, your 8lue eyes! Our descendants must have them! 8lue eyes for 8lue 8loods!", Vriska shouted gleefully over the electrical whine of the electric motor
"Look! The gene forecaster predicts I need only to cull 75% of our progeny to secure your eye color for future generations!", continued Vriska as she adjusted her husktop's display so John got a better look at it
On the display of the husk top was an animated mothergrub that dominated the center top of the screen.


Leaving aside the lack of mother grubs or the biological incompability for a second... it's still amazingly stupid.

On the left and right upper corners were representations of Virska. Below the Vriska doppelgangers was a heart and on the other side a spade. Below the heart was a continuous loop of all the other trolls ran, under the spade was John. In the bottom middle was the predicted result of the matesprit and kismesis pairs. Above the predicted result was what John presumed was the probability readout. John noticed a drop down menu under the four genetic donors, his was set to eyes and the others were set to all. The predicted troll/human hybrids all strongly favored Vriska in appearance, but John noticed most of them had his overbite in addition to his eyes.

Add in his eyesight and you've really got yourself the genetic jackpot.

"Karkat said humans cannot be a kismesis, as we only have one type of romance.", sated John

That's like saying you can't try chocolate ice-cream because you've only known vanilla until now.

"Yes, humans have a single ROMANCE quadrant. 8ut I discovered your species is also compati8le as a kismesis genetic donor!", retorted Vriska as she pointed to the beaker with the blue fluid and white strips. John finally understood what the white strips were, his skin!
Vriska smiled evilly and pressed yet another button on her husktop. The pulley system released for a moment, dropping John a half of a foot then slowing down to a gradual descent. John covered his head reflexively and closed his eyes, only to open them a few seconds later.


John, are you sure you didn't send her the Saw-movies instead of the Nick Cage-movies?

"Why so slow?", asked John hoping for some sort of reprieve
"If I had dropped you in, your stringy 8its would have jammed up the 8lades. No! Slow and steady is the way to do this.", Vriska explained
John finally realized Vriska was still in the throes of black romance and really intended to pulp him into her kismesis pail.


I'm sure this is how it works. Because having your species mate in a way that will result in the death of at least one of them is a great way to propagate your species.

His mind struggled to avoid panicking as his body was flooded with adrenaline. In the darkness of her chambers, the only real source of light was the display of Vriska's husktop. John gazed at it for inspiration.
"You said to give our descendants my eyes, you would need to cull 75% of them. How many more would be needed to be culled to get rid of my dental flaw?", John asked


Yeah, otherwise they can't run around claiming they're Vampires anymore.

"Oh John, I'm so glad you are taking an active role in our descendants genetic planning!", gushed Vriska
She turned around and carefully adjusted the drop down menus to eliminate John's overbite from the gene pool for their virtual offspring. Then, she slammed her the palms of her hands into her face when she heard the whine of the electric motor climb in pitch. Vriska realized she had been tricked.


Whelp, John has outwitted VRISKA. I guess now Hell will freeze over, Dave will become gay, Bro will become straight and the Empress wil become a sunday school teacher.

While Vriska's back was turned John grabbed the blender container and lifted it off its mounts. Vriska pressed one final button on the husktop to release the pulley system fully. Stringy bits or otherwise, she was not going to allow to John escape. But John gave the blender container a quarter turn and as he fell he jammed the gear teeth of the electric motor with it. The lower half of the blender container exploded into shards which gave Vriska several superficial cuts.

Ah, just like in Naruto, nobody dies in explosions.

The top half of the now destroyed blender container was wrenched from John's hands and hurled at Vriska by the electric motor.
Both John and Vriska hit floor at the same time. John glimpsed his reflection in the dim lighting and instinctively reached for it. He gripped the whirly blades of the now destroyed blender container and with a single cut, John released his feet from the webbing that had bound them.


Oh, IT'S ON NOW.

Then, he grabbed Vriska's kismesis pail and in a single stride traveled the distance to her. As she rose to her feet and she raised her hands to the side of her head and turned to face John.
"Manipul-", Vriska was interrupted by the applied force of her kismesis pail to the side her head. She staggered backwards and tried again.
"Manip-", Again she was interrupted. This time by a backhand swing of the pail to the other side of her head.


Given the fact that he is beating her up with a bucket... does this count as foreplay?

She raised her arms to provide some shielding against the next attack and leaned her head forwards so her horns had a chance to catch any overhead attacks.
"Man-", Vriska tried a third time, but an underhand swing of the pail caught her right on her snout. Her blue blood squirted in all directions. Vriska screamed in pain. She covered her face with her hands and stumbled about in a painful daze.
John grabbed both of her wrists and pulled them behind her back, locking her arms. Vriska tried to free herself by writhing and squirming, in doing so she began to grind against John. He felt both her warmth against him and something ancient, and primal awakening deep with him.


I suddenly have the urge to make a game called PRIMAL RAPE.

"I could..", thought John for a moment. But, he quickly put a stop to that line of thinking.
"Wrong... That would be wrong.", he began to mutter out loud.


Bah, it's just a hypothetical imperative, not a categorical one.

Vriska sensed John's growing arousal and his increasing mental conflict. She understood what unpleasant experience had the potential occur in this situation. She searched her knowledge of John's mental weaknesses and human customs. She smiled most wickedly when she found a way to escape.
"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY!", she began to cry out.
John bought into her lie completely.


Of course. He's JOHN.

He gently released Vriska's wrists. She flipped her hair back and turn to face John. Then, with a smirk, growing into big shit-eating-grin Vriska started to laugh.
"You sad, pathetic, little 8oy.", she gloated, "I wasted my talents on you. I 8et you would have jumped into that 8lender if I asked you nicely enough to do so."


...he probably would have, yeah.

John was dumbfounded. He searched her eyes, but there was only malice them. Vriska saw the wounded look on John's face and she decided to twist the emotional knife further.
"You were so easy to manipul8. So trusting, so gulli8le!", she began to laugh again
"So after all these years you were just using me? After all the battles we fought together in?", he asked
"YES! YES! I admit I took my sweet time with you.", She answered


Yeah, about as much as Mobster Kingpin with his death.

"What of that promise? Or the kiss afterwards?", John countered
"That promise is why we are here. The fact you kept it proved you have value. Too 8ad it's all in your genetics!", responded Vriska
"As for that kiss, it was merely a tool to get you to do what I wanted. IT MEANT NOTHING ME!", she finished
John closed his eyes, he felt something was just ripped from him and John knew would never get it back. The sensation of being violated overcame him and the sense of great injury welled inside him.


Attempted murder he can forgive, but an insincere kiss?! BITCH IS GOING DOWN!

The color of his face changed from pale, to pink, finally to red and he made fists with his hands unconsciously. Vriska watched John's reaction eagerly. The temptation to mock him one more time proved too much to resist.
"Oh, 8ecoming flushed for me now, how flattering!", She said intentionally misinterpreting John's reaction.
"8ut, I am afraid you will not 8e around long enough to 8e worth my time.", she said as she raised her hands to her head one final time.


Geez, talk about kicking someone while they are down...

John's adrenaline soaked muscles ached, as if they begged for something to do. The rational part of his mind searched fruitlessly for a course of action.
His rage found one.


Guess what that is. Anyway, join me next time when the dirty deed is done and we get some pesterchum-"shenanigans".


--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #2
oneluckyduck


Quack!
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post Apr 24 2012, 04:01 PM
PRIMAL RAPE.
snerk
Gods, it's been a while since I've read Homestuck, but even I know this is completely and utterly wrong.


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"I was getting all pumped for hot pizza bondage and cocaine action"
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Yaoi Huntress Earth


Space honey
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post Apr 25 2012, 12:31 PM
The title sounds like a film that The Cinema Snob should be reviewing.


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"A man doesn't grow-up; his toys just get more expensive."-Tony Atlas
Yes, I'm one of those.
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Post #4
Max-Vader


Vide, quam mihi persuaserim te me esse alterum
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post Apr 25 2012, 01:06 PM
QUOTE (Yaoi Huntress Earth @ Apr 25 2012, 10:31 PM) *
The title sounds like a film that The Cinema Snob should be reviewing.

It sounds like a film the Cinema Snob should be MAKING.


--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #5
Max-Vader


Vide, quam mihi persuaserim te me esse alterum
**********

Group: Members
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Member No.: 303
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post Apr 25 2012, 04:23 PM
And now we come to the actual rape-part. Rejoice.

Acting in unison, John's body executed a near perfect right cross punch and landed it on Vriska's already abused snout. She was knocked to the floor by the force of the punch and she shrieked in pain as once again her blue blood flowed.

Kanaya, is that you?

John again grabbed Vriska's wrists and wrenched them hard behind her back. Vriska reared back in a bid to escape, but John slammed his forehead into the back of her brainpan repeatedly until her face was grounded into the floor. The only supports for Vriska's body was her face and her knees and she had John bearing down on her wrists and arms with all his weight from behind.

Attached Image

Again she tried to free herself, but to no avail. John again felt her warmth and that new-found animalistic urge again surfaced. There was not even a pretense of a debate this time. The opportunity to get revenge by using her as she had used him, to burn off his surplus of adrenaline fueled energy, and a chance to sate this new and primal want all combined was irresistible.

It's like I'm reading an even shittier version of XXXenophile.

He forced his way into her.
Vriska screamed and cursed, but since her face was grounded against the floor, nothing intelligible came out. John was lost in the new found sensations and too drunk on getting revenge to listen to her anyway.


It's like I Spit On Your Grave with reversed genders, sort of. I don't think a movie like that exists, though. Can't imagine a movie about a person being raped and then killing the rapists in revenge would go over well if a man was the main character. Roger Ebert would probably invent the concept of negative stars for that movie alone. Gotta love our culture's hypocrisy.

Every few minutes when John's frenzied pace started to slow and his grip on her wrists loosened ever so slightly, Vriska would try another escape attempt. These repeated attempts only caused John to renew his efforts.
Gradually, Vriska accepted this humiliation.


Are we going through the five stages of grief all of the sudden?

She had pushed John too far and got caught her own web of manipulations. She knew John was not a killer and the time for her revenge would come in time.

Now here is an interesting question: What is worse, murder or rape? I expect a three-page-essay on Monday next week, class.

Eventually, the burst of energy provided by adrenaline faded, the desire for revenge fulfilled, and the most primal of urges sated. John fell backwards from Vriska and for a few fleeting moments, he was happy.

Sadly, that moment is always so short. Speaking of which...



But as the seconds passed by, it dawned in his mind what he had done.
He had raped her.


And now we know how Slowpokes would feel if they were rapists.

John rolled to his side and curled up into a fetal ball. Waves of remorse and shame assailed him. He covered his face with his hands and wept quietly. He asked himself, "What have I become?"



God, I love this song.

Vriska got up, clean her face as well as she could with her hair. Then, she located her kismesis pail and purged her body into it. She then examined the contents, and was happy with the overall level of the slurry.
"Almost enough for the imperial drone.", she muttered.
Vriska felt whole, complete, balanced.


RAPE: The solution to all problems! Just ask Rodney!

She also had the feeling that she had just woken up from a bad dream in which she was completely mad. New possibilities and thoughts kept blossoming in her mind. She went deeper into her chambers to the hidden place where she kept her pails and placed her now dented kismesis pail next to her matesprit pail.
She recalled her past on Alternia. When ransacking respiteblocks of trolls who were culled or sent off world, she sometimes found their pails. Their pails were almost always damaged, but they were always immaculately clean. She looked at her matesprit pail again. It was in pristine condition, but it was covered with sweeps of dust and cobwebs.


Not unlike her vagina before this whole ordeal. OOOOOOHHHHHH~

It was then she felt alone.
She indulged in some relationship calculus. John kept coming in near the top of every category she could think of. She reached for her matesprit pail to clean it and wondered if she had blown her chances with him. She decided that in the final analysis, it did not really matter. If John rejected her she would have to him kill anyway for what he did to her. After all, a lady of her rank on the hemospectrum had to have her priorities straight.


Yeah, gotta make your you maintain the proper Rape Etiquette.

John was still curled up and weeping quietly when she came back. Vriska dropped her matesprit pail near him with a clunk!
"Not another pail! Just kill me, please..", John begged


Silly John, how is the author supposed to further torture his readers then?

Vriska stared at John in amazement. Virska searched her knowledge of human customs again and ran her fingers through John's hair. He reflexively tensed up at the expectation having his hair pulled yet again.
"What is it that you are feeling so guilty a8out?", she asked


YOU GOTTA BE FUCKING KIDDING.

"I raped you. It's the 2nd or 3rd most horrible thing one can to do to another.", answered John through his hands.
"Would you feel any less guilty that this rape", she struggled with the human word, but continued, "is required 8y the mothergru8 to produce our progeny?", she responded.


Oh, I call bullsht.

"Remem8er John, I was going to kill you. Yet, you found a solution to this dilemma that allowed 8oth of us to live! You acted exactly like troll should in 8lackrom.", she finished
It was nearly a full minute before John stopped weeping and gave his answer.
"Do you hate me now?", he asked
"Of course! 8ut, I pity you too! Also, I have a new-found respect for you.


Yeah, I highly respect people who are pitiful all the time. You fucking dolt.

That is why I am going to take a huge risk on you.", Vriska answered while nudging the matesprit pail closer to John.
John rolled over and looked at the pail with the heart. He got on his knees and looked at Vriska. He understood what she was offering, but recent experiences had left him a bit jaded. He reached up and grabbed Vriksa's horns and used them to keep her head still so he could study her eyes. Through red rimmed eyes John saw the return of friendship and the affection in her eyes he had known earlier, but he now knew she could fake those. He was about shove her away when he saw something new.


Shining, shimmering, splendid?

Blue patches on grey skin.
They were barely there when he first looked, they were easy to miss. But, the longer he gazed at her face the larger and more intense the pools of color became. John had only seen Vriska become flushed only during their Nicolas Cage movie marathons.


Oh, is THAT what they're calling it nowadays?

Now, she was here, flushed for him.
"If this another trick, I'm gonna...", John stopped his threat and gave her some advice instead, "You had better kill me quick."
He picked up her matesprit pail.
"So, what is the custom here? Do I say I accept?", John asked


Just say "by the power of numbskull" and be done with it.

Vriska just giggled and put her arms around him and for a few minutes neither said anything.
"Since you experienced 8lackrom as a troll, I wish experience your species' romance as a human female.", she requested
"It starts with something we humans call foreplay.", answered John after kissing.


If romance starts with THAT, then I feel seriously cheated.

"Is that like role-play?", she responded while John left a trail of kisses down her torso.
"Sometimes, but not this time.", He said as he reached the point where her legs met her body.
"Oh. Ooooooooh!", was all that Vriska could say for next half hour.


It's wet willy-time. Literally.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] opened memo on board The John Egbert Memorial
CG banned AG from responding to memo.
CG banned AC from responding to memo.
CG banned CT from responding to memo.
CG banned TC from responding to memo.
CG banned AT from responding to memo.
CG banned CC from responding to memo.
CG banned CA from responding to memo.
CG banned TA from responding to memo.
CG banned AA from responding to memo.
CG banned GA from responding to memo.


"I JUST LIKE TO TALK TO MYSELF SOMETIMES, OKAY?!"

gallowsCalibrator [GC] responded to memo.
CG: FUCK!
CG: I HAD HOPED THAT I COULD BREAK THE BAD NEWS TO THE REMAINING HUMANS ALONE.


You could still ban her, you know.

GC: B4D N3WS? R3M41N1NG HUM4NS? K4RK4T WH4T D1D YOU DO?
CG: EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT VRISKA'S PROBLEM AND HOW IT WOULD SOON BECOME EVERYONE'S PROBLEM.
CG: I THOUGHT I FOUND THE CURE IN JOHN.
GC: K4RK4T, YOU KNOW TH3R3 1S NO CUR3 FOR B31NG 4 HUG3 B1TCH! H3H3H3


Actually, there is. It's called "stab to the back".

CG: YES, I KNOW THAT! YOU REMIND ME OF THAT FACT EVERY WAKING MOMENT!
GC: YOU W1LL P4Y FOR TH4T L4ST COMM3NT! >:[
CG: LET'S NOT GET OFF TOPIC.
CG: WHEN VRISKA TOLD ME ABOUT HER RED FEELINGS TOWARDS JOHN, I SAW AN CHANCE TO HELP HER WITH A DIFFERENT QUADRANT.


So when someone is in love, make them hate that person instead. Got it.

GC: SO TH4T W4S WH4T TH3 SCR34M1NG W4S 4LL 4BOUT. MUST H4V3 B33N ON3 H3LL OF 4 H4T3 P4RTY!
CG: IT SURE SOUNDED LIKE IT WAS. BUT, NOW THEY HAVE BEEN QUIET FOR TOO LONG AND I CAN'T REACH JOHN BY TROLLIAN.
CG: ALSO, VRISKA'S HUSKTOP KEEPS AUTO-REPLYING THAT SHE IS TENDING TO HER MANY IRONS IN THE FIRE.
GC: HOW D1D YOU TR1CK JOHN 1NTO DO1NG TH1S?
CG: THAT IS THE WEIRDEST THING ABOUT ALL THIS.
CG: I TOLD VRISKA TO GET JOHN TO PROMISE HER TO GET HER INTO HATE MODE AND THE REST WOULD SOON FOLLOW.


What rest? Death? Mutilation? PMS?

GC: WH4T D1D YOU T3LL JOHN WH3N H3 4SK3D YOU FOR 4DV1C3 ON HOW TO DO TH1S?
CG: I SUGGESTED THAT HE SKIP THE USUAL HATE DATE FIGHTING AND GO STRAIGHT FOR THE VIOLATIONS OF PERSONAL SPACE INSTEAD.
GC: NO W4Y! YOU D1DN'T! >:O
CG: YES, I DID AND SO DID JOHN APPARENTLY.
GC: 1F 4NYON3 D1D TH4T TO M3 1'D K1LL TH3M. >:[
GC: TH3 F1GHT1NG 1S TH3 B3ST P4RT! >:]


It's funny because that wasn't the reason one would normally expect. Haha.

CG: WHICH IS WHY I OPENED THIS MEMO AND WHY I NEED TO GET THE OTHER HUMANS IN HERE.
GC: 1'LL G3T D4V3!
GC: D4V3 S4YS TH4T H3 W1LL JO1N US, BUT H3 W4NTS TO R3DO TH3 M3MO'S B4NN3R F1RST.
GC: TH3N H3'LL G3T ROS3 4ND J4D3 1N H3R3.
CG: FINE.
turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.
gardenGnostic [GG] responded to memo.
tentacleTherapist [TT] responded to memo.
TT: For the record, I don't think John is dead.


She read the script in advance.

TG: same here
GG: likewise
TT: I just read the start of this memo and it appears you sent John on a black romance date with Vriska.
TT: The question is why?
TG: i bet it has to deal with their fucked up romance system somehow
CG: YES IT DOES! YOU FAILED ECTO-ABORTION!


Words can hurt, you know.

CG: A TROLL THAT FAILS TO FIND A KISMESIS WILL HAVE THEIR HATE POISON THEIR OTHER RELATIONSHIPS.
CG: VRISKA NEVER HAD A SUCCESSFUL BLACK ROMANCE


Hello? Eridan? ...ah, fuck it.

AND WAS SHOWING GROWING SIGNS OF BECOMING EVER MORE PSYCHOTIC.
CG: I MANIPULATED BOTH HER AND JOHN INTO A TEMPORARY BLACK ROMANCE IN AN ATTEMPT TO SOLVE HER PROBLEM.
GG: more psychotic that she already was?
GC: 1T'S H4RD TO B3L13V3, SH3 W4S ONLY SL1GHTLY B1TCHY 4T ON3 T1M3! H3H3H3
TG: if i got this right vriska had hate blue balls and you sent john to pop her hate cherry
GG: PFFheheh... biggrin.gif
GC: WH4T'S SO FUNNY? VR1SK4 H4S BLU3 BLOOD, BUT NOT 4NY B4LLS, 1 TH1NK, 4ND CH3RR13S DON'T POP!
TT: I guess I'll have to elaborate on Dave's somewhat vulgar euphemisms.


Please don't.

TG: careful rose you are about to unleash dark secrets upon them
GG: yeah rose, their innocent minds will be forever warped by it! biggrin.gif
GC: NOT MY 1NNOC3NT M1ND! 4NYTH1NG, BUT TH4T! >:]
CG: THERE'S NOTHING INNOCENT ABOUT YOU.


'cmon Karkat, could those eyes lie?

GC: TH4T'S TH3 S3COND T1M3, K4RK4T! >:[
TT: Blues balls is a painful condition that human males can suffer from when there is an overproduction of, let us say, slurry.
CG: O:B
GC: >:O
TG: so the corruption begins
TT: Popping the cherry, is a reference to the loss of virginal status of the human female during her first sexual encounter.
TT: It's both painful and bloody.


Just like this fanfic.

CG: MUTILATION? HOW THE FUCK DOES YOUR SPECIES EVEN SURVIVE?
CG: NEXT YOU WILL TELL ME THAT YOUR FEMALES CAN PRODUCE A SLURRY WITHOUT ANY INTIMATE CONTACT WHAT SO EVER!
TT: That is called menstruation.
CG: CAN WE PLEASE STOP DISCUSSING YOUR SPECIES' FUCKING DISGUSTING REPRODUCTIVE PROCESSES AND VILE ASSOCIATED METAPHORS!


It's funny because hypocrisy.

GC: 1 TH1NK 1 UND3RST4ND D4V3'S ST4T3M3NT NOW.
CG: THEN PLEASE EXPLAIN WHILE I FINISH RETCHING.
GC: VR1SK4 H4D 4 BU1LD UP OF H4T3, 4ND JOHN SUFF3R3D 4 P41NFUL 4ND BLOODY CULL1NG.
TT: Not quite, but close enough.
TG: why did you think john was the best candidate for this mission


Because everyone suffered a drop of 100 IQ-points for this retarded plot to even take place.

CG: BECAUSE JOHN IS THE FIRST PERSON WE EVER SEEN GET THIS CLOSE TO VRISKA.
CG: MORE IMPORTANTLY, VRISKA CAN'T READ JOHN'S MIND. SO HE WOULD HAVE SURPRISE ON HIS SIDE.
TG: but vriska can put humans to sleep
CG: YES, WHICH IS WHY I'M NO LONGER HOPEFUL FOR JOHN.
TT: Jade, I noticed you haven't participated in the conversation much.


Sadly, in this fanfic this is the smart thing to do.

TG: are you using your voyeur vision goggles to find john
GG: heh ya, but it's so dark and these spiderwebs keep getting the way! sad.gif
GC: Y3S, TH4T'S VR1SK4'S CH4MB3RS! TRY LOOK1NG 4T K4N4Y4, SH3 SHOULD B3 1N H3R CH4MB3RS TOO.


...why?!

GG: well, ok
GG: aaack! its the land of drapes and curtains in there!
GC: H3H3H3
TT: I'm detecting a pattern here.
CG: IT IS JUST A LOW TECH WAY OF COUNTERING MOST REMOTE VIEWING TECHNIQUES.


Sometimes, the simple solutions are the best.

GC: Y3S, SOM3 TROLLS F33L 4 N33D FOR PR1V4CY.
CG: WHILE OTHERS HAVE NO SHAME!
GC: TH4T W4S 4N 4CC1D3NT!
GC: WHY W3R3 YOU SPY1NG ON M3 1N MY CH4MB3RS 4NYW4YS? >:[


Believe me, nothing will come of this. Although given what happens later instead, you wish it would.

GG: woah, it just got brighter in vriskas room!
TT: I thought so.
TG: he just pestered me
GG: yay! biggrin.gif
John awoke and wondered briefly if he had dreamt all that had happened in the last few hours. He felt another presence next to him and sat up. He noticed the sleeping form of Vriska and began to lean in to steal a kiss from her.


"I hope you enjoyed the rape as much as I did."

But he froze when he noticed that she was snarling like a vicious animal. John recalled Karkat's vivid descriptions of the horrific nightmares that all trolls suffer from.
"Bad idea.", thought John
Something was eating him and he wanted to talk to someone about it. John considered using Vriska's husktop, but one look at the troll glyph keyboard dissuaded him. Furthermore, the way the husktop seemed to breathed creeped him out. Eventually, John found his missing items. He powered on his portable holographic computer system and opened the pesterchum application. He picked Dave to pester first.


"Dude, I totally scored!"

On the next episode of The Hate Virgins, prepare yourself for more riveting conversations that make even Ctrl-Alt-Del look like the Order of the Stick.


--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #6
Max-Vader


Vide, quam mihi persuaserim te me esse alterum
**********

Group: Members
Posts: 8,961
Joined: 23-August 09
From: The Fortress of Pornitude
Member No.: 303
Gender: Male



post Apr 28 2012, 04:23 PM
Ladies and Gentlemen, prepare yourself for the most tedious chat ever.

-- ectoBiologist [EB] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
EB: dave, are you there?
TG: dude i knew you were alive
TG: quick get in here
John looked at the memo banner provided by Dave. John could easily tell it was mostly Karkat's work. Poorly written letters spelled out "The John Egbert Memorial" complete with shitty clip art tombstones were scattered all over the banner. What John found impressive was that Dave took at least a whole 10 minutes to add in Jade, Rose, and Terezi in funeral dress with veils.


As long as it doesn't have Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff, I'm not interested.

Dave and Karat were present too in the surreal scene. But the crowning glory was John in the coffin with tiny x's in place of eyes. There was no way John could have refused such an invitation.
ectoBiologist [EB] responded to memo.
EB: uh, hi everyone.
GC: SO, HOW D1D YOUR H4T3 D4T3 W1TH VR1SK4 GO?


I think the appropriate metaphor here is "Nanking Massacre".

EB: umm, good i guess, since i'm still alive.
GG: details! biggrin.gif
TT: Yes, John, give us the details.
GC: D3T41LS JOHN, 4LL OF TH3M! >:]
EB: wow, i think the best spot to start is at the beginning.


Oh, I thought the middle would be the best part.

GC: HOW D1D YOU T4K3 DOWN VR1SK4? SH3 1S 4 D3C3NT BR4WL3R!
EB: i got her with the banana peel prank.
GC: B4N4N4 P33L?
CG: REMEMBER THE HUMAN SLAPSTICK COMEDY MOVIES WE WATCHED, TEREZI?
GC: OH! TH3N WH4T H4PP3N3D N3XT JOHN?
EB: i sat on top of her and, umm...
TT: Now, it's getting interesting.


"Disturbing" is more like it.

TG: come on dude spit it out
EB: third base...
GC: >:?
GG: but vriska is so flat
TG: jade that's 2nd base
TG: think lower
TT: Also, you should read the start of this memo.
GG: violations of personal space? ewww tongue.gif
TG: yup john has boldly explored where no human has gone before


So is this what we're all about? Seeking new lifeforms just to fuck them? ...sounds about right.

GG: Pffff LOL!
CG: NOT ANOTHER GOD DAMNED HUMAN EUPHEMISM! PLEASE, I CAN'T MUCH MORE OF THIS.
TG: i'll show mercy on you this time 1st base=sloppy make outs 2nd base=feeling up 3rd base=violations of personal space
GC: OH! HOW D1D SH3 T4K3 TH4T?
EB: she threw me off of her, stood up and howled like a beast!
CG: YES! MY PLAN WORKED! (:B


Good job, dipshit.

TT: THAT was your plan? What about after John had successfully enraged her?
CG: JOHN WOULD BE FINE AS LONG HE DIDN'T SHOW ANY FEAR. AT WORSE, HE WOULD RECEIVE A GOOD BEATING.
CG: BLACKROM IS ALL ABOUT INFLICTING SUFFERING ON YOUR KISMESIS.
CG: KILLING THEM IS COUNTER PRODUCTIVE, AS YOU WOULD HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER KISMESIS AGAIN.
GC: JOHN, D1D YOU SHOW F34R TO YOUR K1SM3S1S?


They can smell your fear.

EB: umm... it's hard not to when they pick up from the ground, by your hair, with one arm!
GG: john that sounded like a yes to me sad.gif
TT: Karkat, is that bad, or really bad?
GC: W3LL, NOW 1 KNOW WHY YOU W3R3 SCR34M1NG SO MUCH JOHN! H4 H4 H4
EB: not funny.
CG: JOHN, YOU IDIOT! BY SHOWING YOUR FEAR, YOU TRIGGERED VRISKA'S BLACKROM MATING INSTINCTS!
TG: wtf


Exactly. I certainly don't remember that.

CG: IT'S A VITAL PART OF THE TROLL REPRODUCTIVE PROCESS. FOR TROLLS IN BLACKROM, FEAR IS CONSENT!
CG: USUALLY, IT IS ONLY GIVEN AFTER HOURS OF BRUTAL FIGHTING.
GC: 1 GU3SS VR1SK4 L1K3S 34SY D4T3S.
TG: that is so wrong
GG: john, what happened next?
EB: She just looked at me like she only wanted to hurt me. She was like a completely different person.


Hello, we are talking about VRISKA here! How is this any different?

GC: NOTH1NG SURPR1S1NG TH3R3, 1 G3T L1K3 TH4T TOO 1F 1'M R34LLY R4G1NG.
CG: I KNOW. OH, HOW I KNOW.
GC: >:P
TT: Fascinating, what came next John?
EB: She started to drag me, by my hair, up and down stairs, to her chambers.
GG: ouch!
GC: 4H, TH4T BR1NGS B4CK SO M4NY M3MOR13S. DO YOU R3M3MB3R K4RK4T?


You know, it's already awkward enough when other people talk about their fuck-escapades right in front of you. We don't need to make it even more awkward by being seperate species.

GC: HOW 1 DR4GG3D YOU K1CK1NG 4ND SCR34M1NG 1NTO MY TR33 FOR YOUR F1RST T1M3?
CG: YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO BE GENTLE. YOU WERE ANYTHING BUT.
GC: M4YB3 N3XT T1M3 1T W1LL B3 YOUR TURN, K4RK4T! >;]
TG: too much information
EB: anyway, vriska got tired of my screams and she put me to sleep.
EB: the next thing i recall was waking up nude!
TT: Do you think she took advantage of you, while you were out cold?


How could she, dumbass didn't consider that she doesn't know how human anatomy works!

EB: well, i'm sure she tried.
EB: there was "evidence" of her all over me.
TG: i think i just barfed a bit in my mouth
GG: again, ewww! tongue.gif
TT: John, what makes you she failed?
EB: She had my feet bound to a pulley system and she had a huge blender that she wanted to use to make a slurry out of me!


I know, it was dumb as all getout.

GG: wow, vriska doesn't give up easily
GC: D1D YOU R34D TH4T K4RK4T! 1T'S TH31R F1RST H4T3 D4T3 4ND TH3Y 4R3 4LR34DY 1NTO D34TH TR4PS 4ND M4CH1N3RY!
CG: DON'T GET ANY IDEAS! I ONLY AGREED TO BE YOUR KISMESIS BECAUSE I'M YOUR MATESPRIT TOO.
CG: I'M NOT INTO THAT KINKY STUFF.
GC: TOO L4T3! 1'V3 B33N T4K1NG NOT3S FROM TH1S M3MO 4ND 1 JUST C4N'T W41T 4NY LONG3R TO B3G1N 3XP3R1M3NT1NG! >:]
CG: OH HELL NO! D:B
GC: OH H3LL Y3S! B3S1D3S, YOU H4V3 1NSULT3D M3 THROUGHOUT TH1S M3MO, SO CONS1D3R TH3 N3XT F3W HOURS OF H3LL P4YB4CK! <3<
gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased responding to memo.


The only winning move in this chat is not to participate.

CG: FUCK ME! I HAVE TO BARRICADE THE DOOR RIGHT NOW.
CG: LATER ON, I'LL DELETE THIS MEMO SO I CAN PRETEND IT NEVER HAPPENED!
CG: UNTIL THAT TIME, ALL YOU HUMANS CAN DO WHATEVER THE FUCK HUMANS DO.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased responding to memo.
EB: um, thanks i guess?
TT: Since you experienced black romance, what is in store for Karkat?
GG: yes, john, we promise not to judge smile.gif
TG: too much


Don't worry, I'll do it for you.

GG: dave!
EB: umm, in a word.
EB: rape.
GG: oh my god! D:
TG: dude i told you vriska was a crazy bitch


Hey, she's a crazy bitch, but she fucks so good I'm on top of it...

TG: how does a lady troll rape a dude anyway
GG: i wouldn't use the term lady to describe vriska
TT: Damn it, I should have noticed you were holding on to this emotional bombshell sooner.
TT: We could have dealt with it in private, John.
EB: it's much worse than that...
GG: i fail to see how that can be! she is such a horrible person john
EB: vriska didn't...
TT: John, what is it you are trying to say?


Somebody being cut off doesn't really work if you TYPE the conversation, you moron!

EB: she wasn't the one who...
TT: John, I think I understand. Are you sure you want all of us to know this?
EB: i was the one...
TG: no
TG: fucking
TG: way
EB: it was me...


You are the rapist. It is you.

GG: nononononononononononono please no!
EB: i raped her.
GG: ;_;
TT: This is one of those moments I wished pesterchum had a video feed.


That might at least make this marginally amusing.

TT: That way all of you could see how hard I just face palmed myself.
TG: that is some heavy shit you just laid on us bro
GG: why? how? you of all people?
TT: Okay, it's a one hell of a leap from the giant blender to the rape of Vriska.
TT: We might as well work through this right now.
TT: Tell us what happened after you woke up.


Do we seriously have to read a complete re-cap of what we just read?

EB: i heard vriska planning to turn me in a slurry, then she had the pulley system bring me over the giant blender.
EB: i asked her why, so she showed me what our kids would look like on her computer.
EB: she really wanted my blue eyes for our kids.
TT: Was she naked at this point?
EB: yeah.
TT: How did you avoid becoming a slurry?


Plot convenience.

EB: well, i tricked her into turning around and then i picked up the container of the blender.
EB: she sensed something because she released the pulley system and i fell down.
EB: after that, things are a bit hazy. i do recall beating her head in with her pail!
TG: you have such a way with the ladies john


Dave is still the best character in this fanfic, just like in Homestuck itself. So... very, VERY minor props for that.

GG: not that i am defending her, but why would you do that?
EB: she kept trying to use her powers on me. I didn't want to go back to sleep.
TT: Then what happened next?
EB: I must have daze her because she was staggering around. I grabbed her wrists and twisted them behind her back.
TT: Is that when you first felt temptation?


Gee, that's a funny way to put it.

EB: yes, but i knew it was wrong to act on such feelings.
EB: then, vriska managed to get loose from me.
GG: how?
EB: um, she said she was sorry.
GG: you believed her?
TG: of course he did
TT: So, she tricked you. How did you feel about that?


Rose, you're not an actual psychologist. I know psychoanalyzing people and implying they have homoerotic urges is your hobby, but this is getting tedious.

EB: i was confused at first, then what she did next made me really angry.
TT: What did she do?
EB: she revealed that she was just using me for all these years.
GG: that contradicts what karkat said about her at the start of this memo
TG: but she was in hate mode and john didn't know about those feelings
TT: Ah, so we have another manipulation!
TT: John, how did you feel about what Vriska said?


He was the happiest guy in the whole wide world. WHAT DO YOU THINK?!

EB: it felt like she ripped my heart out and smashed it to bits.
GG: i know you john, that would not be enough for you do such a terrible thing
TT: What did she do that pushed you over the edge?
EB: when my face became red from rage, she mocked me about being flushed for her...
EB: then she tried to put me to sleep again.
TT: What did you do?


Do a bit of the ol' in-out-in-out, if you know what I mean.

EB: i was so angry, scared, and wanting revenge that i lashed out at her. i knocked her down with a single punch...
TT: And?
EB: then i raped her.
TG: i would have stabbed the bitch
GG: ugh! i want to condemn vriska, but i don't want to condone rape at the same time


My God, this really IS the mirror-version of I Spit On Your Grave!

TT: If that is what it takes to drive John to commit rape, I think I can still feel safe around him. Jade?
GG: i still find it hard to believe that john is capable of such an act.
GG: there has to be more to this.
GG: but, since you, rose are ok with him, i will be too.
GG: dave, what do you think?
TG: you're kidding right
TG: egbert doesnt do dudes


Well, it was about time this fanfic got SOMETHING right.

GG: heh
GG: john, how is vriska?
EB: um, it's the strangest thing.
EB: she got up like nothing had happened.
TT: She did nothing to you in retaliation?
EB: well, she did fill her spade pail and walked off with it for a bit.
GG: ugh! i think i barfed a bit in my mouth this time! :x
TG: and they call us disgusting


Dave's comment will get even more true and horrifying when we get to the later parts, trust me.

GG: Did you see where she had gone to?
EB: no, at the time i was so full of shame and guilt that i didn't notice.
TT: Hmmm... Maybe she got she wanted after all.
TG: yeah eight inches
GG: Pffff rofl! strider!
EB: again, not funny at all...


Actually, that WAS kinda funny. I guess that's why I like Dave so much. In this regard, we're like mental brothers. ...Blight Brothers?

TT: Dave is not too far from the truth, she was in the throes of black romance after all.
TT: Furthermore, you did accidentally trigger her reproductive drive.
GG: oh! so she got john's genes after all!
TT: Exactly.
TT: The way I see things, John could have been killed, or her, or this rape had to happen.
EB: i still feel bad about what i did.


Yet again, NO SHIT.

TT: As you should, John.
TT: What you are experiencing are completely normal feelings.
TT: I would be worried if you weren't.
TT: Perhaps, you should look closer at the circumstances surrounding this event.
TT: Karkat manipulated both you and Vrisaka.
TT: Then she did so when she withheld information about her feelings from you.
TT: Then, there is the possibility that over these years Vriska could have gotten better at using her powers on humans.
GG: rose, are you suggesting she was forcing john to feel certain emotions?
TT: Yes, Jade.


Well, that's certainly a convenient moral loophole to excuse John, isn't it?

TT: Finally consider that the crime of rape has traditionally been only applied to members of our own species.
GG: wait! if john didn't commit rape, what sex crime did he commit?
TT: Bestiality.


Bestiality is sex with non-human animals. Since when did Rose go full-blown retard? Bestiality is a crime because animals aren't truly sentient and thus incapable of consent. Vriska is from another planet alltogether, sentient, capable of consent and not an animal.

GG: bwwaaha ha ha ha! biggrin.gif
EB: that is not helping rose!
TG: i think i liked him better when he was a rapist


Yeah, because this would make him not only a rapist, but a FURRY RAPIST.

GG: i'm wondering if vriska ever came back or are you there alone?
EB: yeah, she came back and talked to me.
EB: she had a pail with a heart on it this time.
TG: woah she can't get enough of you john
TG: she is insatiable


Once you go homo, you'll feel like a space-ho.

TT: No, Dave.
TT: That heart on the pail means Vriska made a proposal towards John!
GG: she still wanted john as her matesprit?
TT: John, please tell me that you refused!
EB: at first i was going to, but then i saw how flushed she was for me...
EB: rose, i wanted this more than anything.


"I REALLY needed to get my rocks off, and my options on this fucking meteor are very limited!"

TT: Damn it, John.
TT: Do you understand what being a matesprit entails?
TT: What your responsibilities to her are going will be?
EB: yes, it's mainly about children. but that won't happen for a long time.
EB: she told me had to make investments in me first.
TT: Like?


A shitton of Boonbucks.

EB: she doesn't want to be rescuing me all the time, so she will be teaching me to fight.
EB: also, she'll teach me to speak, read, and write their language.
EB: then, there's just sharing our lives together.
GG: that actually sounds quite nice
TT: I hope for all of us that you are serious about this.
TT: Vriska doesn't seem to be the forgiving type.
TG: dude as long you are happy with her that is all that counts


Happy happy joy joy...

EB: thanks dave.
TG: i think we should let the two love birds be alone for a bit
GG: yeah
TT: Agreed.
EB: bye guys!
turntechGodhead [TG] ceased responding to memo.
gardenGnostic [GG] ceased responding to memo.
tentacleTherapist [TT] ceased responding to memo.
ectoBiologist [EB] ceased responding to memo.


FINALLY. Next time, we'll finally get to the horrifying stuff I've alluded to. Stay tuned...


--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #7
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
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Group: Members
Posts: 730
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Apr 28 2012, 04:37 PM
Oh, God we still haven't gotten to the horrifying parts yet? How...?

HOW? It's already horrifying! Maybe it's because this blatent disregard for characterization is insulting to fans of the series, like myself.

As always, wonderful mocking, Max. I'm both fascinated and scared to see how much worse this fic can get.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #8
Max-Vader


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post Apr 28 2012, 04:46 PM
QUOTE (Paragon @ Apr 29 2012, 02:37 AM) *
Oh, God we still haven't gotten to the horrifying parts yet? How...?

HOW? It's already horrifying!

Because we still haven't gotten to the worst Homestuck-sexscene ever. It's as if millions of erections cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced.

PS: Glad you like the mock.

This post has been edited by Max-Vader: Apr 28 2012, 04:47 PM


--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #9
Max-Vader


Vide, quam mihi persuaserim te me esse alterum
**********

Group: Members
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post May 3 2012, 04:38 PM
It's time, people. We finally got to the really disgusting stuff. Keep your cyanide-pills ready.

Terezi looked on in disgust at the public displays of affection between John and Vriska.

Not just you Terezi, not just you...

It had been nearly week since their successful hate date and they showed no signs of stopping their mutual celebration of their new red romance. Terezi suspected that Vriska was using John to troll her. Terezi could feel the hate building up inside her as she watched the two on the horn pile commit act upon act of debauchery.

GAMZEE, NO!

Terezi then reflected on her caliginous quadrant. It wasn't a secret that her black romance with Karat wasn't perfect. In fact, it was nearly one-sided! The term that Rose used to describe Karkat's role in it was "whipping boy". Which struck Terezi as odd since neither she nor Karkat had any whipkind weapons. What Terezi craved more than anything was someone who would fight to the bitter end, even in the face of total defeat or overwhelming odds, a stoic warrior to do battle with. Even if it was a one-time infidelity, Karkat would probably welcome the time off. Terezi turned away from the shameless depravity and towards her computer in the room. She quickly opened a trollian chat session.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]
GC: H3Y! 3V3R W4NT3D TO B3 4N 4USP1ST1C3?


Okay, that's already a bad sign.

AA: you arent feuding with vriska again are you?
GC: NO, BUT 1 4DM1T SH3 1S G3TT1NG ON MY N3RV3S.
AA: i dont think that i would be any good as an auspistice
GC: TH4T 1S WH4T 1'M COUNT1NG ON! >:]


And this is a worse one.

AA: @_@
AA: you want me to help you commit an infidelity?
GC: Y3S!
AA: who is the target on your dark advances?
GC: TH3 KN1GHT OF T1M3.
AA: i see why you need me to meddle in this


Time vs. Time. An epic duel for the- hahahaha, who am I kidding Dave is gonna win.

AA: 0u0
GC: DO3S TH4T M34N YOU W1LL H3LP M3?
AA: oh yes!
GC: TH3R3 4R3 4 F3W PROBL3MS W3 N33D TO SOLV3.
GC: F1RST, 1 H4V3 TR13D TO CONT4CT D4V3 FOR N34RLY W33K NOW.
GC: H3 WON'T 4NSW3R M3.


I can't imagine why.

AA: contact him after this conversation and he will respond
GC: N3XT, HOW DO 1 PR3V3NT SOM3ON3 FROM 4BSCOND1NG WH3N TH3Y C4N T3L3PORT 4ND TR4V3L THROUGH T1M3?
AA: i don't teleport
AA: i just fly to where I want to be
AA: then i travel through time to when i want to be
AA: the knight of time does the same thing
AA: except he can't fly!
GC: >:O


WHAT A TWIST!

Dave's computer sounded out a note indicating that someone was trying contact him. He had a good guess who it was. Ever since John and Vriska hit it off, Terezi hounded after him and he was getting tired of being the object of her obsession. It wasn't that Dave wasn't attracted to her. It was nature of the trolls' black romance that deeply bothered him. All possible outcomes were unacceptable to Dave. He didn't want to be killed by Terezi, and he doubted he had the ability or the will to kill her. Furthermore, he knew he was no rapist.

You can't rape the willing. That is a fact.

That left only one possibility, and it did not appeal to Dave at all. He was about to block Terezi when he saw something out of the corner of his eye. It appeared to be the person that Dave knew as Bro had appeared across the room and was standing in the hallway.
"No, can't be. He's been dead for years", Dave thought to himself.
He looked carefully at the person. It was his future self giving himself a thumbs up gesture, which meant that he had a time loop to complete. Dave studied the impressive physique and muscle tone of his future self as best he could from across the dimly lit room. He understood why he mistook his future self as the departed Bro at first.
"Damn! I guess I'll be working out hardcore in the future.", He said in his mind.


Oh, I wish that was the reason...

Dave turned to his computer with Terezi's flashing icon on the screen and then looked back at his future self one more time. The future Dave had already disappeared.
"Note to self: kick my future self's ass.", remarked Dave as he hit Pesterchum's answer button.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
GC: F1N4LLY YOU R3SPOND COOLK1D! WH4T H4PP3N3D?
GC: D1D YOU G3T TR4PP3D 1N TH3 LO4D G4P3R FOR TH3 P4ST W33K? >:]
TG: i told you to stop using that nickname
TG: we arent kids anymore


All the Homestuck-shippers will be glad to hear that.

GC: 4ND 1 TOLD YOU 1 WOULD STOP US1NG 1T 1F YOU C4M3 UP W1TH 4 N3W N1CKN4M3 FOR M3.
GC: GOT ON3 Y3T?
TG: i have narrowed the choices down to two candidates
TG: dragon lady and wasp woman
GC: DR4GON L4DY! 1 L1K3 TH4T ON3 4LOT! >:]
TG: then i will call you wasp woman from now on
GC: SM4RT4SS! TH4T'S MY N3W N1CKN4M3 FOR YOU! >:[
TG: you already used that one before
GC: YOU 4R3 ST4RT1NG TO M4K3 M3 M4D!
GC: WH1CH 1S 4 GOOD TH1NG, CONS1D3R1NG WH4T 1'M 4BOUT TO 4SK YOU.
TG: i agree to go on a hate date with you


I just had a thought: If Dave ends up with Terezi just like john did with Vriska... wouldn't the human race die out? OH FUCK

GC: >:?
TG: lets do this black romance thing right now
TG: before i change my mind and cause a massive number of doomed daves to die horribly
GC: WH4T TH3 H3LL? YOU 1GNOR3 M3 FOR 4 W33K 4ND TH3N 4GR33 JUST L1K3 TH4T?
GC: WH4T CH4NG3D YOUR M1ND?
TG: time shenanigans
TG: best not to think too much about it


Otherwise you might notice that unlike the ones in Homestuck, these particular shenanigans make no sense.

TG: are we doing this perverted hate thing or not
GC: P3RV3RT3D? WH3R3 D1D YOU G3T TH4T FROM?
TG: john told us what happened to him after you and karkat left the memo
TG: i guess karkat made good on his promise to delete it
GC: Y3S, H3 D1D.
GC: 1 C4N T3LL YOU 4R3 4 B1T CONFUS3D.
GC: UND3RST4ND TH1S, VR1SK4 1S P4RT OF TH3 4R1STOCR4CY.
GC: TH3Y C4N G3T R34LLY W31RD 1N TH31R "T4ST3S".
GC: 1'M 4 TR4D1T1ON4L L4DY.


...that scares me even more, to be honest. Well, this fanfic is certainly immersive if nothing else. I am so disgusted, annoyed and filled with dread, it's almost like I'm Dave!

GC: 4 GOOD F1GHT W1TH F1STK1ND 1S 4LL 1 W4NT.
TG: what about your pail
GC: YOU WOULD H4V3 TO R34LLY 1MPR3SS M3 TO 3V3N S33 1T, MUCH L3SS H3LP M3 F1LL 1T.
GC: 1'M NOT L1K3 VR1SK4.
GC: SO DON'T G3T YOUR HOP3S UP 4BOUT M4K1NG 1T TO TH4T P4RT OF TH3 D4T3.
TG: that is a relief
GC: I'll be waiting for you at the transportalizer pad. <3<
Dave reviewed the persterlog several times as he thought about all the possible outcomes of the upcoming date.


None of those however allowed him to predict what was to come. Otherwise he would have committed sucide on the spot. I would have, too.

He knew there was no way a human could beat a troll in unarmed combat, even with his time travel powers. So, there should not be anyway that he could impress Terezi. That should avoid any unpleasant endings. Dave resolved to do his best and if things got out of hand with her, he could always abscond through time. He traveled through the network of tranportalizers and gateways to reach the strange laboratory asteroid the trolls lived in. Terezi was waiting for him. She pointed towards the next chamber which was setup as a makeshift arena. Multihued blood splatters where all over the floor of the room. There was a balcony that a few of the other trolls looked down from. Dave and Terezi walked to the center of the arena and faced off for battle.
Almost instantly seven additional temporal manifestations of Dave appeared around Terezi and began to punch, kick, and elbow smash her. Terezi was well-prepared to deal with the combined assualt due her previous sparring with the maid of time. Terezi gave a random Dave a single punch. It was not hard enough to break anything, as that would end her fun way too soon. She eagerly waited for the result of the blow to appear. The injured Dave disappeared and reappeared on the balcony eating an apple and a new recovered Dave appeared and took his place in the fight.


Good thing Jade isn't there to "help", eh?

They battled this way for quite awhile. Every successful hit by Terezi would result in another Dave taking a break on the balcony. Terezi noticed the increasing crowd on the balcony as she fought. She enjoyed every minute of the conflict, but soon changed to frustration after the first hour passed. She was starting to feel exhaustion set in, while her opponents were still fresh. Furthermore, Dave was becoming more skilled in channeling his body weight into his attacks. She was actually starting to feel pain from his blows. By the second hour, Terezi's frustration had transformed into anger. If she allowed this battle to continue, she would eventually lose her self-control and kill Dave with a single blow. Terezi needed to eliminate Dave's access to the alchemiters.
"3NOUGH!", Terezi screamed
The crowd of Daves around her backed off and one by one disappeared, gone to fulfill their respective time loops. Several of the other trolls on the balcony watched carefully, as it was rare for Terezi to forfeit a match. Terezi motioned to Dave that he should follow. She then began to travel deeper into the lab. While doing so she opened a trollian session with her computer glasses.
gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA]


It's generally a bad idea to copy Hussie's style of lots of conversations IF YOU CAN'T MAKE THEM FUCKING INTERESTING!

GC: 1 N33D TH4T N3W 4R3N4 NOW.
AA: so you are really going through with this?
AA: with a human?
GC: Y3S TO BOTH QU3ST1ONS. BUT 1 H4D TO CUT TH3 F1GHT SHORT.
GC: HUM4NS 4R3 SO FR4G1L3.


And when did that ever get established, anyway?

GC: 1 DON'T H4V3 N34RLY 3NOUGH H4T3.
GC: CONS1D3R1NG WH4T 1 W4NT TO DO N3XT.
AA: dont worry!
AA: just give him an eye full
AA: his smart mouth will provide what you need
AA: 0u0
GC: YOU 4R3 3NJOY1NG TH1S.
AA: i guess this is what Kanaya feels when she "helps"
AA: it's quite addicting


Stop "helping" me.

GC: 4BOUT TH4T N3W 4R3N4?
AA: oh!
AA: you know that transportlizer pad that never worked?
GC: Y3S.
AA: we are the reason why
AA: ill set it up so only you two can go to the new arena
AA: after you have had your fun with him
AA: ill change it back again so both of you can return
Terezi lead Dave to the transportlizer pad and motioned for him to step onto it. Dave knew he was walking into a trap, but of what kind he wasn't sure.


This would be really funny if Terezi was a dickgirl in this fanfic, but she's not. She's far worse.

He appeared at the destination transportlizer and looked around. Dave was in a natural chamber deep in the asteroid. He couldn't see the ceiling, but he did feel a breeze coming down from above. Dave walked along the edge of the arena and realized he was on top a plateau. He leaned as far over the edge as he could and looked down, there was a small natural stair that wrapped around the plateau. Dave could barely see the bottom of the staircase, as it was a long way down. He turned back towards the transportlizer and saw Terezi standing there. She began to disrobe slowly. Dave just crossed his arms and slowly shook his head in disbelief.
"C4N YOU GU3SS WH4T 1S N3XT?", asked Terezi as she removed her shirt.


Horror. Terror. Horrorterror. Me struggling to keep my dinner in my stomach.

"Violations of personal space.", Dave muttered aloud.
"Y3S!", she continued while taking off her shoes.
"1 D1DN'T TH1NK YOU H4D 1T 1N YOU.", Terezi turn her back to Dave and took off her pants.
"BUT YOU R34LLY 1MPR3SS3D M3!", she added as she quickly palmed a small knife.
Terezi turned around to let Dave to have a look. Dave tried not to, but failed.


To be honest though, even if you weren't interested in them sexually, you'd still be curious about the anatomy of alien species. It's only after you know that you'll wish you didn't look.

Terezi matched John's descriptions of Vriska well. Muscled, but in all the right ways and in the right places. Slowly, Dave felt his eyes drift downwards on Terezi.
"Look, I prefer my girlfriends a little less crazy.", He countered.
When his gazed reached her privates he raised his hands to his mouth.
"What.. is.. that!", Dave choked out.
Terezi looked down at herself a little confused a first.
"OH? TH4T 1S MY S33D FL4P!", she answered.
"No, what is that coming out of it? I didn't know you were a she-male.", he clarified.
"1'M NOT 4 H3RM4PHROD1T3!", Terezi angrily corrected, "1 TOLD YOU 1 W4S 4 TR4D1T1ON4L L4DY."


Attached Image

Attached Image

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"Whatever it is, it's not going in my mouth.", Dave responded.
Terezi barely suppressed her gag reflex. The consumption of a troll's reproductive slurry was something rumored that only the most depraved of high bloods ever engaged in. Terezi could feel that all too familiar flame of hatred igniting within herself. It was just a small ember, but with the right fuel it be so much more. She decided to push Dave towards making another depraved comment.
"NOT 3V3N 1F 1 KNOCK3D OUT 4LL YOUR FL4T T33TH! YOUR PROT31N CHUT3 1S COMPL3T3LY UNSU1T4BL3 FOR M3.", Terezi explained.
"Well, it's not going in my ass either.", answered Dave as he clenched his cheeks together.


That's right Dave, fight the alien menace! ...God, I am so horrified.

The mere thought of mingling her precious slurry with Dave's waste products was enough to make Terezi retch with pure disgust. As she thought about the depravity of Dave's last statement, the black flames within her were fanned larger and larger. When she finally regained her composure, Terezi knew she could do what she desired most. All she needed was one final thing to make this a truly special date.
"NO, D4V3. TH3 TRUTH 1S TH4T NON3 OF YOUR N4TUR4L OR1F1C3S 4R3 4CC3PT4BL3 FOR M3.", she calmly spoke.
"BUT TH4T 1SN'T 4 PROBL3M 4T 4LL!", continued Terezi as she revealed her knife.
"B3C4US3 1 C4N M4K3 ON3 TH4T 1S...", she maliciously whispered.
Dave stood rock still with his best poker face on. But the way Terezi slowly advanced towards him, with no clothes on, brandishing a small knife caused the hairs on the back of his neck to stand. In her next breath, Terezi knew that she had all she needed.
Fear.


I'm sorry you have to read this. I feel sorry for you, and you're not even mocking it. That's how horrible this is. But unlike the asshole who wrote this, I don't hate my readers. So here's something to distract you.

Attached Image

"No.", was all that Dave said as he used his time travel ability to abscond.
Dave arrived a full day before he absconded from Terezi. He looked around for the transportlizer pad. It was there, but nothing happened when he stepped on it. Dave thoroughly explored the chamber he was stuck in and found no other ways to escape. He began to travel forward in time and with each jump Dave retried tranportlizer pad to no avail. Eventually, he reached the time of his past self's arrival. With a few seconds left Dave traveled to the future.
By his reckoning, it was nearly a day since he had first arrived in the chamber. The transportlizer was there, shattered under a large boulder. He looked around and didn't like what he saw. There were dried splatters of red blood all over the plateau and there was a large teal and red spot in one place.


Oh dear.

In the center of it, there was a circle of clean ground. Dave then noticed his hand and shoe prints around the large and still moist splatter. Leading to it were two trails, one red and the other teal. He followed the red trail down the natural staircase. About half way down the red trail ended with a rather large teal blood splatter. The teal trail ended here too. But it trailed up the side of the plateau. Dave heard a cough and look down towards the bottom of the staircase. There were dozens of his future selves down there resting. Occasionally, one of them would travel to the past to complete a yet unfulfilled time loop, only to replaced by another more ragged and weary future self than the one who just left.

Wasn't that great, folks? And there is more to come! You won't believe me when I say this, but... it gets worse.


--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #10
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
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post May 3 2012, 05:18 PM
QUOTE (Max-Vader @ May 3 2012, 07:38 PM) *
And there is more to come! You won't believe me when I say this, but... it gets worse.

...what?

WHAT?!



God preserve us all.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #11
Bitch_Please


Tactful as Sexual Intercourse.
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post May 3 2012, 05:45 PM
I looked this fanfic up and read the whole thing. It gets worse, oh so much worse.


--------------------
QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Jun 12 2011, 12:26 AM) *

(
o ) ( o )
My contributions to this thread.
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Post #12
Max-Vader


Vide, quam mihi persuaserim te me esse alterum
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post May 4 2012, 03:09 PM
Time to bury this abomination once and for all.

Dave started jumping into the past, hoping to reach a time the transportlizer was both active and not smashed. By chance, he arrived at the moment where Terezi and his future self were leaving this chamber. Dave watched them from behind as a now fully clothed Terezi helped the future Dave towards the transportlizer pad with one arm and carried her kissmesis pail with the other. His future self was alive and Terezi didn't make it through this experience unscathed either.

Well, at least that's something...

She had a nasty looking gash on the back of her brainpan and additional wounds on her back based on the teal blood stains on the back her shirt. Dave realized that this was his one moment to escape this trap. He could just run past the two and step on the transportlizer pad. But that would mean all the Daves he saw, including this one, would be doomed. He looked again at the large gash on the back of Terezi's head.
"I can't believe I'm actually considering going through with this.", Dave thought to himself.
"Fine! I'll do it. But, she will have to earn it.", He continued his internal debate.
"Besides, if I consent, it's no longer rape.", he silently rationalized.


My sentiment exactly.

Dave did not bother waiting for the boulder to fall and smash the transportlizer pad. He traveled to just a few minutes after he had absconded. Terezi was there waiting for him. She smiled maliciously when Dave got into a fighting stance. His temporal duplicates began to appear one by one, each more wounded and exhausted than the last. The crowd of Daves began their attack on Terezi. She appreciated the second round of combat, though it was completely unnecessary in her mind. For she already had all the hate she needed to see her plans through to the end. Terezi smiled as she punched, kicked, and head bashed every Dave in reach. After 15 minutes of battle, the predator in her noticed that there was one bloodied Dave who moved slower than the others and kept dropping his guard. Most importantly, whenever Terezi hit him, this Dave did not abscond through time!

Kind of a tactical flaw, then.

Terezi singled out this one Dave from the others and jumped towards him. She aimed her knife at the one spot on Dave's body she had spent the past week practicing hitting over and over again. Dave felt the blade of the knife slide into him. This act prompted the other Daves to grab Terezi in an attempt to pin her. However, in her aroused state Terezi sent her attackers flying with her kicks and throws. When she had another opening, Terezi leaped at the stabbed Dave again. Terezi wrapped her arms and legs around the stabbed Dave's torso in an iron embrace. They fell and soon were surrounded by the crowd. Terezi ignored the many seeking hands that tried breaking her grip. When that failed, she endured the worst beating that all of the temporal duplicates could dish out. Gradually they disappeared, gone to perform their respective time duties. Leaving just the two of them, alone.
"I guess this isn't too bad so far. Except for getting stabbed that is.", thought Dave.
He then felt something soft and slippery pressing against his body. It searched his abdomen and when it found his open wound, it dove in.


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Dave writhed in agony at the sudden and violent intrusion of his body. With each additional inch Terezi trespassed, Dave experienced a fresh wave of intense pain. He remained conscious throughout the ordeal. Finally, Terezi released her steel grasp and carefully rolled both of them so she was straddling him. Dave wondered how deep Terezi was inside his body.

I... no... what...

She made few tests to make sure she had completely invaded Dave's body. Then, she leaned forwards, closed her eyes, and began to fantasize. She imagined herself as a great predatory creature of her homeworld, her body ripe with the seeds of new life. She just subdued a wiley and spirited musclebeast and compromised its hide. Now that she had fully violated the musclebeast, soon the seeds of new life will flow from her.

OH MY GOD, THIS IS FUCKING "ALIEN"! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

Terezi was rudely jarred back to reality by a vicious and surprisingly powerful elbow smash to the mouth. She felt something hard in her mouth, a tooth. Terezi spat it out onto Dave's face and grinned knowing that the tooth would grow back.
"1 GU3SS 1 D1DN'T CONQU3R YOU COMPL3T3LY D4V3. L3T M3 F1X TH4T!", she spoke.
Terezi reared her brainpan back and brought it down fast and hard against Dave's forehead. His vision blurred and then doubled. Dave rolled his head askew as an intense headache set in. It was then he saw how close to the edge of the plateau both of them were. Despite the unnerving sensations Dave felt inside his body, he waited for Terezi to return to her private fantasy world.


Incidentally, I'd call this my nightmare-world.

When she closed her eyes, Dave grabbed her horns and wrenched her head towards the edge. As he rolled on top of her, Terezi instantly locked her arms and legs around Dave's body to prevent his escape. He then rolled her on top of him, again closer the edge.
"D4MN 1T D4V3! DO YOU W4NT TO B3 ON TH3 TOP OR TH3 BOTTOM? M4K3 UP YOUR M1ND B3FOR3 YOU RU1N TH3 MOOD!", she chastised.
Dave said nothing as they tumbled off the plateau.
Both of them tumbled as they fell. Terezi ended being underneath Dave as she fell against the irregular steps of the natural stairs, cutting several deep gashes on her brainpan and back.


Godd job, Dave. Now get the fuck outta there, pronto.

She reflexively grabbed the back of her brainpan with her hands and began to kick her legs in response to the pain. Dave, having his fall broken by Terezi, wasted no time in pulling her out of his body with both hands. He then stood up, covered his much abused wound with one hand, and started to climb the steps of the stairs with all the speed he could muster. Terezi's pained screams provided additional encouragement. Dave quickly reached the top of the stairs. He took one step towards the tranportlizer pad and then froze. Dave wrestled with the urge to end this unpleasant experience and his resolve to see these time loops to the bitter end.
"No, she earned this..", thought Dave as he made his final choice.


Well, fuck you and the miniature equine you rode in on!

He turned from the tranportlizer pad and took a few steps to where he could hear Terezi climbing up the side of the plateau. A grey hand appeared on the edge, then an arm. Terezi then flipped herself up onto the plateau and landed in a crouched position.
"YOU 3SC4P3D FROM M3, D4V3. NO ON3 H4S DON3 TH4T B3FOR3.", she spoke while rising.
"FURTH3RMOR3, YOU M4N4G3D TO HURT M3 GOOD.", she continued, "1F YOU W3R3 4 TROLL, 1'D B3 TH3 ON3 TO G3T V1OL4T3D NOW!"
"BUT 1 C4N T3LL YOU WOULD R4TH3R D13 TH4N SUBM1T. SO 1'M GO1NG TO CH34T 4 L1TTL3.", Terezi finished.


Just like the author did with breaking canon?

She searched through her scratch-and-sniff sylladex for the one card that smelled of stainless steel and medicine. Terezi chuckled when she finally found it. In her hands appeared what seemed to be a large caulking gun, but with a large syringe instead of a caulk cartridge. In the syringe a black fluid sloshed about and on its tip was the kind of needle that someone would use to inject things into elephants with. Terezi did not give Dave did the chance to do anything. She closed the distance between the two of them in a blink of an eye and forced the syringe through Dave's hand that he was using to cover his injury, deep into the wound, and then gave the trigger of her injector gun a gentle squeeze.

...fuck it.

Attached Image

After a moment, Terezi pulled the syringe out of Dave and carefully watched his reaction. Dave felt the pain inside him melt away, then he noticed he had no feeling in his hand. Dave raised it to face, noticed that there was some of the black fluid around entry and exit points of the syringe. When he tried to move his fingers, he could not get any of them to obey. Next, Dave watched in shock as his wrist suddenly went limp. He gave Terezi a dirty look as his hips started to succumb. Terezi just continued to observe and licked her lips in anticipation. Dave stumbled about drunkenly then crashed to the ground.
Terezi rolled him onto his back and straddled him. Again, she targeted wound she made earlier. Only to become frustrated when her extreme state of arousal prevented entry. Terezi did not bother with knife this time. Instead, she used her fingernail on the end of her index finger to tear the wound larger to grant her access to Dave's body.


NO! NO! NOOOOOOOO!

All Dave could do was silently debate what was worse, the waves of excruciating pain of before, or the sounds and dulled sensations of now. Once again having fully compromised Dave's body, Terezi closed her eyes and retreated into her erotic fantasy once more.
The host musclebeast had managed to abscond and injure her. But, a quick sting took the fight out it. For the second time she breached the hide of her host. She felt the seeds of new life in her pass into the musclebeast. There would be other substances passed into the host as well. These would make the host ravenous and irascible, possibly driving it to the point of cannibalism! This would be required to provide enough body mass to feed the grubs that were soon to hatch in the host's body. They would consume the host from the inside, emerge, find a place to pupate, and find their own mates and hosts to complete their life cycles.


I'm sorry I can't exactly provide overly funny commentary on this, but... FUCKING LOOK AT THAT SHIT AAAAAAHHHHHH

Terezi relived her private fantasy several times before opening her eyes again. She rolled Dave on top of her. The anesthetized muscles in his neck refused to support his head and he was forced to look down at point where both their bodies joined. Dave understood that the pulsating lump in his body meant that Terezi had finally achieved biological fulfillment. With a final embrace she began to squeeze the breath out of him. It was only then that Dave blacked out.
The first thing Dave heard when he recovered his senses was Terezi humming contently. Then, came the sensation of wetness. He looked around and realized that he had been draped over a pail, so he could drain into it. The now fully clothed Terezi noticed Dave was stirring and helped him off her kissmesis pail. She eagerly examined the contents and frowned.


This is like my personal End of Evangelion.

"D4MN 1T D4V3! WHY D1D YOU H4V3 TO RU1N 4 N34RLY P3RF3CT H4T3 D4T3 BY B31NG SO S3LF1SH?", Terezi protested.
"I was just pumped full of lady troll jizz and now I'm selfish?", Dave responded incredulously.
"Y34H! 1T W1LL T4K3 S3V3R4L OF TH3S3 D4T3S JUST TO C4TCH UP!", She responded,"WHY COULDN'T YOU B3 MOR3 L1K3 JOHN?"


"He wouldn't leave the toilet-seat up!"

Dave covered his eyes with his hand and shook his head. After all these years the "Scrouge Sisters" were still competing with each other.
"So you want me to beat your head in with your own pail, then violate your personal space? Because that is what John did to Vriska!", he answered
Terezi could not detect any deceit in Dave's words. She studied the contents of her pail and recalled that Vriska had described John's slurry as cloudy and white in color. Terezi knew the human species did not possess pigments that colour their blood, so the same should be true for their slurry as well. She sighed when she realized the teal and crimson swirl in her pail was most likely nonviable and that everything done on this date was a complete waste of time.


...FFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU-

However, if the previous was true, then it would mean that John defeated Vriska! Her eyes opened wide and she grinned widely when this second realization hit her. In Terezi's mind this piece of information was worth more than a dozen of these dates. She also foresaw there was a chance that Dave would improve himself after this encounter and continue this black romance. Terezi hoped that he would. She even entertained the possibility that he could defeat her one day.
Terezi helped Dave to his feet and escorted him all the way back to his home. Neither spoke during the long walk until they came to the final portal. She placed a loop of string around Dave's neck, from it hanged the tooth that he broke. Then, she leaned in close.
"4NY T1M3 YOU W4NT 4 R3M4TCH, 1'M R34DY.", Terezi whispered sweetly into his ear


If it's in a billion years, it will be too son.

Dave waited to for Terezi to go before entering his home. He sat in front of his computer and brooded about recent events and how should he break the news to his friends. Dave wanted to avoid another one of Rose's psychoanalytic sessions, where his every statement would be twisted to imply that he had closeted homosexual tendencies. He thought up a plausible lie and contacted Jade via pesterchum.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gardenGnostic [GG] --
TG: are you there jade
GG: yeah! smile.gif
GG: did you enjoy your beating?


No, I didn't. I don't think Dave did, either.

TG: so you already know
GG: all of the trolls are talking all about it!
GG: i am wondering why would you go through with it
GG: especially after telling all of us that you werent
TG: two words
GG: it better not be time shenanigans
TG: yep
GG: tongue.gif


Don't try to be light-hearted after this.

TG: tell me about it
TG: anyway i found a way to make things worse
GG: don't you dare drop a bombshell on me like john did! D:
TG: no it is not like that at all
GG: whew! what is the matter?
TG: i mentioned that i wanted to get stronger to the trolls
TG: so they where all like
TG: since you are similar to upright muscle cattle
TG: have some alien bovine growth hormones
TG: stab
TG: inject


...you gotta be shitting me.

GG: omg dave! you have to be more careful about what you say around them!
GG: if you can get a sample and send me the code for it
GG: i can atleast do some quick testing to see if what you were injected with is toxic or not
GG: more in depth testing will require about a month
TG: i will see if i can squeeze some out
TG: then i am hitting the shower


No shower in the world can scrub away this filth.

Dave located an almost empty apple juice container and painfully forced some of the teal slurry from his wound. He then sent the captcha code of the slurry to Jade via pesterchum. After a long hot shower, Dave examined the pesterchum window for the results of Jade's testing. He breathed a sigh of relief when his "injection" came up as nontoxic. Dave got up from his computer, walked over to his bed, fell on it, and drifted off into a deep sleep.
Dave woke up screaming. His heart pounded from the nightmare he had just dreamt. He quickly pulled his sweat soaked blankets from himself and looked and looked at his torso. It was flat and the wound he suffered had healed suspiciously quickly. Dave finally relaxed and was happy that he wasn't pregnant with grubs or was going to explode in a shower of gore and Terezi faced maggots.


I wouldn't put it past this fanfic.

He got up and dressed and sat in front of his computer. Dave did a double take when he noticed the time. He realized that he had been asleep for nearly three days.
Dave's stomach growled and he felt a pang of hunger. He opened an apple juice bottle and took a swig. It took all of his self-control to stop himself from spitting out the juice. The taste of it was off and he could not force himself to swallow any of it. Another more intense hunger pang caused him to quickly go through all the food items in his sylladex for any meat based food items. All he could find was a half rack of raw ribs that one of the trolls gave him when he stated that he was hungry in their presence some time ago. The ribs were from some creature of the troll's homeworld which had greenish blood. Both these facts made the ribs less than appealing to Dave. He wrote down the captcha code of the ribs, then placed them on a plate near him as he looked for a recipe on his computer. Dave quickly skimmed a recipe and became frustrated when he noticed the preparation and cooking times. He slammed his fist down, hitting the raised edge of the plate that greenish ribs rested on. The plate flipped the raw meat into his face, where it hung for a second before falling onto his keyboard with an unpleasant splat! While the green blood from the ribs dripped down his face, Dave stared at the ribs. He began to salivate from the alluring smell and wondered what the hell was wrong with himself.


I'd ask what is wrong with the author...

Another hunger pang, stronger than any before, forced him to pick up the raw meat, raise it to his open mouth, and bite. Dave was never so disgusted and yet at the same time intrigued by a meal. He finally regained some self-control after trying fruitlessly to get at the greenish bone marrow for several minutes. Having realised he had just consumed a large amount of raw meat, he began to feel queasy. Dave got up, walked over to the still misplaced toilet in his room, put his head over the bowl and waited. After several minutes, all that came out him were a few meaty burps.
When the queasiness subsided, Dave tried to distract himself with the game system in his home. After breaking his tenth controller and third game system, Dave understood he might have developed some anger management problems. It seemed to him that anything could evoke a violent fit of rage and that playing difficult and glitchy video games might not be the best course of action.


Dave is now the Heir of the AVGN.

Wondering what else he could do, he recalled the physique of his future self and decided now would be as good a time as any to begin building up his body. With some trepidation, Dave opened to the door to the departed Bro's room. He carefully searched for and found Bro's free weights and fitness manuals. He soon discovered that exertion had a calming effect on his mind that is, until it was time to eat again.
As the month passed, Dave's physical strength improved unnaturally rapidly and he became more comfortable with his new diet. When any of his friends would contact him via pesterchum he would make excuses to end the chat quickly as possible. Dave's routine became a blur of sleeping, feasting, and exercise. Eventfully, Jade contacted him via pesterchum with the results of her testing. Upon seeing who was trying to contact him, Dave rushed over to a mirror and quickly snapped a picture of himself giving a thumbs up gesture with his iSHADES, sat down and responded to Jade on his computer.


I don't think physical fitness is worth going through... what we just witnessed.

-- gardenGnostic [GG] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --
GG: i have your results dave!
GG: first, i have to ask
GG: are you ok dave?
TG: sure
GG: im serious here
GG: are you sure you are ok?
TG: yes
TG: why do you keep asking that
GG: that sample you gave had all sorts of stuff in it! definately illegal


Nothing is illegal if there is no law. Duh.

GG: mood altering chemicals, anabolic steroid effects, and appetite stimulants!
GG: don't even get me started on the strange dna i found in it
GG: also, next time omit the apple juice
TG: i cant argue with the results
-- turntechGodhead [TG] sent gardenGnostic [GG] the file "awwyeah.jpg" --
GG: *swooooooon*
TG: damn straight
GG: dave, did you just take this picture alittle while ago?
TG: yeah just before i responded to your pester
GG: then why is aradia there in your room?


THEN WHO WAS ON THE PHONE?!

TG: she isnt
GG: she is in the background of the picture you just sent me
GG: perhaps you should turn around
Dave closed his eyes and turned around slowly. Aradia was there when he opened his eyes. In her hands was what appeared to a camera. Aradia gave Dave a playful wink then vanished. Dave turned back to his computer and opened the picture he had sent Jade. Aradia was there in the background with the camera at the ready. He massaged his head when the realization hit him that it was Aradia with a cardboard cut out of him that started this whole time loop. The thought of being played by these two troll ladies filled Dave with a desire for revenge.


He's not gonna rape her too, is he?

He wondered if it was him and not just another one of his fits. Dave experimentally opened a freshly alchemized bottle of apple juice and took a sip. The taste was still bit off, but he was able to swallow it. As thoughts of revenge burned in his mind, Dave tightly clenched the tooth that hung from his neck. He knew who would be his target.
Even a month later, Terezi still enjoyed the afterglow of her encounter with Dave. Better still, her blackmail of Vriska had succeeded. The depraved actions involving John were banished from the horn pile and into Vriska's chambers where such actions belonged. Now however, Terezi suspected someone was messing with her. First, her dragon cane disappeared under mysterious circumstances. Next, someone kept intentionally changing the airflow in the lab so she always felt breeze on her back. Finally, Terezi had the feeling that she was being stalked. She quickly formed a list of possible of suspects. There was one name on her list she hoped more than any would be the culprit.


Dave. Naturally.

In a rarely visited atmospherics office one temporal manifestation of Dave adjusted the asteroid labs's airflow so Terezi could only smell where she had been, not where she was going. This Dave had no monitor to watch Terezi's movements. But, instead relied on the occasional written report dropped off by another Dave in a different time loop. The Dave at the air control console read the latest report which indicated that Terezi was traveling towards the ambush point. This Dave turned to yet another Dave who held Terezi's dragon cane and gave him a fist bump. The Dave with Terezi's dragon cane waited briefly to answer Aradia's trollian page.
apocalypseArisen [AA] began trolling turntechGodhead [TG]
AA: i would be a terrible auspistice if i didn't warn terezi of your ambush
TG: you are a terrible auspistice
TG: the worst there ever was or will ever be


Understatement of the century.

AA: all i did was save you the a trip through time
TG: and a drop boulder on a transportalizer pad
AA: 0u0
TG: if it did not matter which of us started these time shenanigans
TG: then why did you bother then
AA: because actions cause other actions
AA: think about what would have not happened if you were the one who traveled back time
Dave, preoccupied with his desire for revenge, did not think too much about Aradia's last comment. He quickly arrived at the right place and time for his ambush. There Dave waited in the darkness for Terezi to reach the center of the room. He could see that Terezi had her guard up was ready for anything. As a final gambit Dave pestered her via his ISHADES.
-- turntechGodhead [TG] began pestering gallowsCalibrator [GC] --
TG: dragonlady
TG: rematch
TG: now


Please god no.

GC: R34LLY? R1GHT NOVXSHJP09384Y4JFS'L;ZFKN'S3J9O
Terezi rested with her back against Dave's. The battle they had just fought was brutal. Even though Dave bungled his ambush, Terezi had to give him credit for using his pesterchum client to get her to drop her guard. The powerful blow to her leg was clever too as it impaired her mobility for the fight. Furthermore, stealing and then using her own dragon cane against her was impressive also in her mind. What really surprised Terezi was the sudden jump in physical prowess Dave able to make in such a short amount of time. He was able to fight her to the exhausted stalemate that both currently endured. Victory would come to the one who recovered first. Terezi realized she was too tired and beat up to perform any breeding duties even if she was able to stand up before him, but she recognized that she had the perfect opportunity to troll Dave. Terezi, ignoring the severe pain in her leg, crawled around Dave.
In her most seductive voice Terezi asked, "C4N YOU GU3SS WH4T 1S N3XT?"
"Aww fuck! Aww fuck!", Dave began to repeat as a horrified look appeared on his face.


Really shitty idea, dude.

Terezi began to cackle as she slowly crawled over Dave, making sure to put as much of her body weight on every injury she inflicted on him. When she reached his head she put a finger to her mouth.
"SHHHHH... ONLY SLOPPY M4K3 OUTS NOW.", she whispered
Terezi reached behind Dave's head, grabbed a fist full of his hair, and forced his head towards hers. She rubbed her snout against his bloodied nose forcing a fresh trickle to flow from it. Dave grunted in pain, but was soon muzzled by Terezi's mouth. She explored the interior of his mouth with her tongue and then withdrew just enough of it from Dave's mouth to tease Dave into doing the same. When Dave finally fell for the trap, she bit down just hard enough to make his tongue bleed. Terezi enjoyed the muffled cries of pain that issued from Dave as her senses were completely overwhelmed in a sea of cherries. Terezi maintained her lip-lock on Dave until she sensed that he was starting to enjoy the rough treatment.


Who enjoys getting their tounge bitten? You normally do that to kill yourself!

At that moment she let him drop, got up, and hobbled away with her dragon cane.
Dave rolled onto his side and began to spit out the blood in his mouth. He recalled Aradia's words as he watched Terezi limp away. He understood if he had been the one to start this time loop, he would have never fought her a second time, and become aware of how close he came to defeating her. He stood up and began the journey home to continue his self-improvement.
"Next time Terezi, next time.", He thought to himself.
The End


OH GOD IT'S OVER

Attached Image

Never again! Suck my dick! Whoooo!

Oh, and as a final note, here are some of the comments on the fanfic:

QUOTE
I liked the terezi part write more

QUOTE
Fuck you're a bunch of pussies if you need warnings for this.

The Terezi part was the best part.

QUOTE
Hooray pornography gay ballshit mangina womenis

QUOTE
Nobody is making you read it, the first part involved Vriska trying to Blend John, then ended up with him raping her. This was kind of a fucked up story to begin with, get over it.

QUOTE
IT'S NOT MY FETISH SO I HATE IT BAWW



--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #13
T_K_17


LADIES.
*********

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Member No.: 192
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post May 4 2012, 04:03 PM
Reading this story allows me to experience the sensation of feeling pain without actually feeling pain.


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Mocks:
1. Digiball Z - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 (f)
2. Saiyaman (f)
3. Saiyaman 2 - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
4. Teen Titans vs Project AFTER - 2 3 (f)
5. Desires Unspoken - Deluxe Special Edition (f)
6. TK versus Birdboy | Fandom | Empire - Part 1
7. Garden of EVA - Sucks Everybody! (f)
8. What is War? - 1 2
9. My Little Unicorn: Star Fleet Magic - 1 2
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Post #14
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
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Member No.: 612
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post May 4 2012, 04:42 PM


Put that shit on replay and you have my reaction to this entire thing.

I'd formulate a more disgusted reponse but I'm still shocked I managed to read that without vomiting.

Also, WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO TEREZI IN THIS FIC, OH MY GOD, DID THIS IDIOT EVEN FUCKING READ HOMESTUCK??

Fucking hell I need to stop reading these things.

I found a goddamn gray hair in my head the other day. A goddamn gray hair.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #15
Bitch_Please


Tactful as Sexual Intercourse.
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post May 4 2012, 05:12 PM
Dammit, I spent a long time trying to find a clip of Mr. Grocer saying "Like I'm gonna put a bullet hole in your fuckin' forehead, and I'm gonna fuck the brain hole!" to no avail. sad.gif


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QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Jun 12 2011, 12:26 AM) *

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My contributions to this thread.
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