My Little Unicorn: Star Fleet Magic, A Maine 6 mock Options

[T_K_17]

Ah remakes, they allow audiences to experience an old story in a new way and Hollywood to make a lot more money. They also allow budding authors like Mr. Mikulak to fix his old stories by covering some plot holes and acting like to original never happened.

Unfortunately for Mykan, his original story is still online for all to see and the remake is just as crappy as before anyway.

I originally assembled a group of mockers who had some experience with Mykan for the purpose of mocking his planned sequel to Mloo Mib, but when he decided to grace us with an HD Remix instead, I set our course straight for it. Our team is as follows: T_K_17 (Digiball Z), Maniak (Teen Titans High School Musical 2 and Legend of the Masked Rider), R1NGmasterJ5 (My Little Unicorn group mock), DraculaMarth (Some Things Never Change and What Changes Really Are), Lizard Man (Things Change and The End), and Al Cone (The Sailor Moon Legend of Zelda and Project AFTER).

And before I forget, here's the key:

Twilight Sparkle
Applejack
Rainbow Dash
Rarity
Fluttershy
Pinkie Pie

"Wait, which one is which?" you may be asking. Well... it's a surprise! I invite our readers to make their best guesses and maybe the winner might get something cool? (Like maybe a seventh spot???)

---

Author's notes:

This might be a premature judgement...but we’re doomed.

I do not like FIM at all… in fact I hate it and wish it were never made…

But don’t say that about Mykan, or you’re a terrorist. Mykan said it, so you can’t disprove it

I believe this is called “complaining about shit you don’t even like”. You that bored Milkauk? Is life so dull that you need to spend your days hating technicolor ponies? Have you simply not discovered the joys of masturbation or something? I know the Bronies have at least.

I am glad you distinguish the regular fans from the creeps by using the term brony with a capital B. Otherwise Mykan, really? Now you rewrite the crap?

and it makes me angry with all its lies and falsehoods about friendship being magic and the true salvation.

True salvation? Who are you? Jack Chick?

As we all know, true salvation comes only from loving Beast Boy and hating fags.

That and wishing rape upon your supposed fans. No one can say we’re not surprised by Milkauk’s stance on social interaction at least.

Not to mention all the horrid emotional pains it brings me

That’s just gas, Mykan.

Gas and an overwhelming case of blue balls he refuses to admit he has. Let’s face it, the real reason he hates this show is cause it’s making him pitch a tent like it does with a large number of people if the fan art is any indication. Unlike them though he just won’t admit it.

Hey, Mykan. Some shows promote positive values. Deal with it.

So…I create this to bash at it.

When I read this sentence, I imagine Mykan swinging a hammer wildly at a stack of papers and I think
“Who let this clearly insane man carry a hammer?”

And yet he calls us out as monsters for daring to mock other fanfics. What a hypocrite.

My own world with little differences

Some of them will be a different color! WOOSH! Mykan Magic!

, but well needed.

As well needed as a basketball sized tumour on your frontal lobe.

He already has one. It is the rest of his head.

…

PROLOGUE/INTRO

Well, at least it’s not a “PROLOUGE” like last time.

Be charitable; one time he spelled it “PRLOGUE”... and it was the very first word in the fanfic... Why are we being charitable again?

(Deep voice…)

Far off in the distant reaches of the dimensional universe,

Somewhere, where not even the keyblade masters want to go...

Cue the Doctor Who theme music.

is the magical world of Unicornicopia, home to a race of

disturbed, childish creatures that vaguely looked like

winged unicorns. All were under the watchful eye of their leader- The Tri Horned Alicorn, who unlike most unicorns had three horns instead of one.

He is also blessed with 5 wings, 3 eyes, 47 lungs, and 0 penises.

He does however possess a man-gina, which has considerably less balls than a Vagina... minus one.

All of which were gold colored,

Yes, Mykan, pick the really malleable metal. That’s totally a great idea.

I guess they all took Glenn Beck’s advice about the market. Little do they know it doesn’t count if it’s only plated gold.

but even

2 paragraphs in... forget the even count.

he himself did not know the reasons of this astonishing phenomenon that was he.

He was something never thought possible, the dumbest My Little Pony OC ever.

Oh, you thought Orange Creampie was the worst MLP OC, huh? Well, Dakari-King Mykan’s got your fucking number, Godot.

Still a better character than Nyx.

Still, he kept a very watchful eye over his subjects.

In this universe, Celesto is actually named Big Brother.

Remember citizens, Celesto is Watching You. Hmm, you know that sounds WAY creepier than it should be.

Some of the unicorns lived in peace… while others would train to become powerful warriors and join their Grand Ruler in his never-ending struggle against the forces of evil-

Plus they would get access to a superior medicare plan. And a nifty tote bag.

To become members of "Star Fleet Magic!"

What, exactly, is the difference between this and Vanilla!MLU? Only difference I see is that he isn't even bothering to hide the fact that he's plagiarising anymore.

Is star fleet magic the same thing is a Space Magic? Cause if it is then this explains so much about Mass Effect’s ending.

It is still better than the first idea: The Grand Equestrian State Police. Gestapo for short.

Trained well,

As opposed to an army of Wimp Los.

and skilled with powerful weapons and magic-

Like the Geth Plasma Rifle and Arc Projector.

Isn`t the big deal with the characters that they don`t have to rely on magic?

Thanks to Star Fleet and its warriors, the worlds had been protected from many evil forces…

Like the Get Along Gang, the Care Bears, and Denver: The Last Dinosaur.

Who GR raped for their “message of friendship”.

Pah. We all know that they would get creamed by the Takaris.

However, there was one evil force that seemed almost too powerful for even Star Fleet to handle-

A logical and thought-out plot?

A powerful hooded sorcerer who sought to destroy all that was good and decent,

and who is suddenly my favorite character in this fic,

The Grand Ruler's one weakness? Hoodies, man. Unicornicopia's been under siege by an army of hipsters for ten millenia.

and rule the Dimensional Universe with hatred and chaos beyond imagination.

He’s gonna make the universe watch “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” forever! AHHHH!

No, worse: He’s not going to change anything!

Chaos beyond imagination? Are we talking here about mine or Mykan’s imagination. Cause my imagination includes half rotten rats eating the characters skulls out just to wake them up.

The sorcerer eventually attacked Unicornicopia. Star Fleet tried to stave him off but proved to be nearly no match against such terrifying magic.

Then Picard showed up and somehow used his super awesome psychic link to blow up the cube in one shot and... okay wait what we were talking about again? I think I got off track.

No, go on please. I rather watch Star Trek now than read this.

Fearing for the safety of his people and the Dimensional Universe, The Grand Ruler fought against the sorcerer and with the power of his golden horns, unleashed the mysterious magic of the uniforce…

Despite it being a mystery.

Let’s split up and look for clues!

Being able to pull random attacks out of your ass, just because of a special body feature. Who is this guy? Sasuke Uchiha?

and was able to render the sorcerer weak, but was not strong enough to effectively destroy him.

The Grand Ruler, wielding the intense power of a mild cold.

We could undo this with chicken soup and crackers, how pathetic.

Using the last of his strength, The Grand Ruler sealed the sorcerer away in a distant dark dimension, so that he might never again recover his power and threaten the worlds with his evil.

This is completely different from Zelda yes it is shut up.

For one-thousand years, the threat was long forgotten and only remained in the memories of the past,

The grand Ruler keeps a scrap book of everyone he banishes to the Phantom Zone as a keep sake.

but The Grand Ruler struggle against evil

Mykan: Those dirty critics...

continued and Star Fleet always would remain on guard for any new or recurring threats to ever rise

And when they arose they would unleash the mighty hand of Benjamin Sisko upon their candy asses!

...

Wait... I think I’m off track again.

…

Lightning Dawn…finished telling the story

Oh, he’s been officially renamed to “Lightning Dawn...”.

He was a white unicorn

The only thing this determines is whether or not Mykan has him rap.

with a short brown mane and a golden horn. He wore a white armor vest with a number "AO0C" printed on it just above the unicorn's insignia.

“An Original Zero Character”

Sounds like a soda. “Now with even less personality!”

Eh, I still think it stands for “Adult Only Zero Calories”.

He also wore a pair of white pants

Poor choice. Unicorns aren’t toilet trained, and white pants will get stained.

Speaking of horseshit, let’s continue with this fanfic.

and black boots on his hind legs.

Plugsuits never sounded more unappealing.

He had been telling the story to his friend- a small fairy with long blonde hair, and wearing a pink skirt.

And... nothing else, apparently. I guess fairies like to go topless?

Should I find solace in this or not? I am unsure as the prospect of boobies is enticing but this is a friggin Mykan fanfic.

I guess if you found Navi sexy, then sure...

"That's all I know, Krysta."

Shouldn’t she be off saving the rainforest?

Who will defend Ferngully from Tim Curry while she’s away?!

Lightning said to her.

Krysta still hardly understood all this.

Join the club

"I don't get why his majesty would want you to start living in Unicornicopia."

“He must really hate you.”

“Also, what does that story have to do with living in Unicornicopia?”

She said "You've been living in the royal palace for a long time now,

“sleeping in the same bed as the Ruler. That reminds me, you never told me why you wouldn’t let me in there, too.”

“The Grand Ruler says we ain’t supposed to talk about the back room! Or the naked pictures he keeps in his wallet!”

Grand Ruler: Lightning, you are now 29 and don’t apeal to my fetishes anymore. Also, you are a leech who lives on my money. Go down to earth, take a job, and start a life on your own you little basement dweller!

and you still can't do magic."

Yes, now all he has are wings and a creepy bipedal stance. Whatever will he do?

Maybe he can act on stage in the Spider-Man musical. He wouldn’t have to worry about the cables snapping since he can fly and the weird shit around him would offset the creepy factor a bit as well. Only place for him really in society.

Lightning wondered this many times as well. He also wondered why The Grand Ruler would take him as his apprentice above all the others.

It’s because you have the tightest asshole, Lightning.

Lightning, although a unicorn, was unable to perform magic like most of his kind. So for many years he lived with his master

That just makes it even worse!

Are we gonna need an adult soon?

in the royal palace, which floated in the skies high above Unicornicopia

Please let the thing crash in that remake, please.

and he learned and was taught how to do things without the use of magic.

Uh... and this helped him how exactly? Sounds like the Grand Ruler is an enabler. Is today’s lesson “You will always suck at something and fail so just never try.”?

"Dear Princess Celestia. Today, I fucking gave up on ever getting good at anything. Please make sure Spike is well fed. I've left all of my possesions (my fan fiction library and that Superman misprint where he and Lex Luthor kiss) to him. Goodbye cruel world."

Now The Grand Ruler was sending him to live on in the kingdom below. Meet new creatures; make friends

Ha ha. Just kidding.

Now that you mention it isn’t that EXACTLY what Milkauk claims is what makes him hate MLP? Conflicting messages here. I thought this was his attempt to prove the show’s philosophy wrong.

and a new life for himself, but to continue his studies, and his training.

Waiting two decades before letting your apprentice to engage with the general public is much smart.

He’s gonna be like that creepy kid that kept breathing on Helga in “Hey Arnold!”

He had complete and total faith in his student and knew he would do well.

Several murder sprees later, the Grand Ruler started to regret his decision.

He should’ve suspected something was wrong when he asked for that chainsaw and ten gallons of gasoline.

"Well… I guess we better get going." Lightning said.

“Here is the map! Where do you wish to go?”

“Back to the hellhole I came from, please.”

Krysta nodded and they both flew off together, ready to start their new lives.

MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Star Fleet Magic)

Somehow, Mykan got his mitts on an early draft of the new Star Trek movie's script and thought "This is great, but it needs more unicorns in tights."

Ugh, I hope he never plays Pokemon, then. Although, catching Grand Ruler in a tiny ball and storing him in an empty computer for all eternity does sound promising.

(Opening them to Star Fleet X Bomber's closing theme)

Opening theme to closing--what?! There's incoherence, and then there's whatever the fuck that is!

I stick with the italian opening of Friendship is Magic, thank you very much.

Send a message out across the sky
Evil forces are just jamming by

I've spent a lot of time trying to figure out what that means, exactly, and the best explanation I've come up with is that the forces of evil are shredding on electric guitars and throwing up the horns while running past the good guys at breakneck speeds.

Damn! All we need to do now is get Metallica, Iron Maiden and Megadeth together and this would officially be the most awesome rock concert ever!

Who will save us in this hour?
Who can defend us from their power?

If you guessed "characters from some Americanized Sentai show from the 1980s that nobody has ever fucking heard of..."

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

Save the world from a fate harsh and cruel
Send out the unicorns to fight and duel

...Really? Unicorns?

I think that’s the only lyric he actually changed. Nice creativity, Mykan.

No, that incomprehensible bit about evil forces jamming by is an edit too. The lyric in the song is "Evil forces just passed Gemini." Come to think of it, I can't decide if Mykan edited the lyric, or if he's misheard it all these years as "jamming by." Both seem equally likely. I lean in the direction of "he misheard it" because I'd be shocked if Mykan knew what "Gemini" was.

Always daring and courageous
Oo-Ooh... only they can save us

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

STAR FLEET
(Star Fle-
OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH!

STAR FLEET
(Star Fleet)

MY LITTLE UNICORN

(Star Fleet Magic)

If Star Fleet had magic on their side the dominion wouldn’t have been such a problem I wager. Then again, the fuck were those dudes in the wormhole supposed to be anyway besides magical elves.

Here’s an idea: The Star Fleet of this story is the federation army that fights the bugs in Starship Troopers. Wouldn’t that be awesome?

STAR FLEET!

We get it! That’s their fucking name! Stop it!

Author's Facts:

This will be one of several facts

Fact 1: This fanfic is an abject failure

Fact 2: The same can be said about the author.

Fact 3: Brush your tongue!

I plan to post to explain a few things here and now…but many other things will be explained as the fic continues

Just like the Mass Effect 3 ending, everything will be explained in fucking DLC. At least it’s free.

-Unicornicopia is another Planet/Dimension.

Okay, what is Unicornicopia? A planet, a dimension, or a planet in a dimension? Mykan, you make the cosmology in Kingdom Hearts look suddenly look complex. And there was a level, where I fought in the intestines of a space whal!

This is not Equestria. So basically… these are ponies from outer space

Which country would shoot horses into space? I bet France, anyone bet France?

Russia would do it, no questions asked.

who have different kinds of powers than what your used to seeing.

Well, provided you’ve never played Pokemon.

-They are all winged unicorns (Not Alicorns)

That’s what an Alicorn is you stupid fucking idiot.

"This is a Mobleybobley. It isn't a toaster. It operates on the exact same principle and performs the same function, but it isn't a toaster. It isn't. It isn't! Shut up!"

only Grand Ruler is an Alicorn.

Because he HAS to be one of a kind and a “speshul snowflake”

There are no Earth Ponies/Unicorns or Pegasi here.

ONLY THE PURE PONY RACES SHALL TRIUMPH! HEIL MYKAN!

If it is ever possible to insult Hitler, you may have just done it by comparing Mykan to a nazi. Cause even the most insane member of the SS was more grounded in reality than Mikulak.

---

So to recap: Magic is no longer Believing, Lighting Dawn is now Lighting Dawn..., and evil forces are just jamming by.

This post has been edited by T_K_17: Apr 13 2012, 07:42 AM

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Just for shits and giggles

Twilight Sparkle- Maniak
Applejack- Al
Rainbow Dash- Marth
Rarity- Lizard-Man
Fluttershy- R1NG
Pinkie Pie- TK

Good job so far guys

[T_K_17]

Just for shits and giggles

Twilight Sparkle- Maniak
Applejack- Al
Rainbow Dash- Marth
Rarity- Lizard-Man
Fluttershy- R1NG
Pinkie Pie- TK

Nope, and I'm not going to say how close you were, but good try.

This post has been edited by T_K_17: Apr 12 2012, 12:46 PM

[Bitch_Please]

Why is it called the "uniforce" if the GR has 3 horns?

[Waffleman]

IT'S IN SPACE, IT'S A SCI-FI STORY NOW.

Th-There's a fairy.

BUT I SAID IT'S IN SPACE!

But it's the same story, you just put the word "space" in place of some other things.

DIFFERENT STORY.

[JakAttack]

I've left all of my possesions (my fan fiction library and that Superman misprint where he and Lex Luthor kiss) to him.

"Diamond in the Rough: Applesack and Charity come from two different worlds..."

I'm not going to guess, because I'm feeling lazy. Great mock, and I can't wait until things get interesting.

Oh. Right...Mykan's fic.

[T_K_17]

Well it seems no one was able to guess our secret identities, so the quiz continues today with a lesser prize. Successfully learning who is who will earn you a single solitary joke that you may contribute to My Brave Pony: Star Fleet Magic II.

That's right, SFM2 is out and will be mocked at some point and you may get to provide your best joke for it! Colored in a delicious Big Macintosh red. As a reminder, our contributors are T_K_17, Maniak, Al Cone, Lizard Man, DraculaMarth, and R1NGMasterJ5.

---

Author's Notes:

The Equestrians will eventually make their appearances in here,

Mykan: And when they do, I will rape Twilight Sparkle in a way I stole form another fanfic!

Mykan: I think it was called “Sweet Apple Massacre”.

So much for “THIS IS NOT FIM NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY!”

also… Star Trek has nothing to do with this.

Except it too has the main character seducing brightly colored women. Well, men, in this case.

The Star Fleet I refer to is far different.

Do they still wrinkle their noses and huff at anyone who questions their stupid “no money” philosophy and regard the 20th century as backwards nightmare land because we still like Capitalism back then? Also, sorry Milkauk, but when you have such a similar sounding name you need to accept that people are gonna make comparisons. So maybe you should’ve changed the fucking name. Just an idea.

What this actually is… is more of a Power Ranger… Teen Titan… Sailor Moon… thing.

Why am I not surprised that this is, yet again, another one of those. EVERY fanfic he writes is a frickin Power Sailor Titans rip off! Every. Single. One. I just come to expect it now.

Basically, you’ve never seen this sort of thing before except from these 3 shows you’ve seen this sort of thing before.

You should try looking up the show he's ripping off on YouTube sometime. Shit belongs on YSU.


EPISODE ONE

(Part one)

There were many different places in kingdom of Unicornicopia;

The most popular being the recently opened Hooters. The girls use balloons because, you know, horses, no boobs.

all were named after their specific colors, and the world's populace consisted of all winged unicorns,

Anypony who lacked horn or wing due to accident or birth defect was publicly executed.

So the world has places like purple village and Nigger brown town?

each of many different colors, and sizes, and they each had their own specific number printed on their armored vests,

Yes because the problem was those serial numbers were tattooed on before, it wasn’t because they were a stupid idea in general. Not at all.

What if you ever mix up clothes while doing laundry?

and no two were ever alike.

Copy-Cat: Well, that's just ridiculous!

The unicorns themselves were a bunch of busy bodies.

They were all nosy and obnoxious?

That would mean they are the ponies everypony should know.
…. oh god, did I just say that? I am so sorry.

The little ones went to school, and played all day, while the elders had jobs and things to do in their normal life,

Wow! I never would’ve guessed the kids went to school and the adults had jobs! That’s amazing world building! I’m so utterly fascinated by this unique not at all vanilla as fuck culture!

You have to see it from Mykan`s point of view. Considering how foolish he considers going to school or having a job, that is actually quite an achievement.

all not relying so heavily on magic to do their chores,

Because... well, just because.

Because Grand Ruler doesn’t like when they use magic. And they MUST please Grand Ruler, it’s the only reason they exist.

but just using their bare hooves, or, being anthropomorphic, they could stand upright on their hind legs as well.

So this is a world where Eppaljack actually exists and it’s not considered scary as fuck? You really don’t know jack about this fandom do you?

He doesn`t know who Derpy is and supports Cupcakes. All I am saying.

Lightning was settling into his new house in White Village,

Mykan: The best village because there is none of them ni-

Look, I want to believe Mykan is not a racist, but this isn’t helping

Can you actually be too dumb to be a racist?

and had just finished unpacking his things, with Krysta's help. Even though Krysta was small, her fairy magic actually allowed her to move things that were hundreds of times her own weight, by levitation.

I remember when I learned that in Psychonauts. Picking up people was funny. Their flailing arms give me much joy.

How good is the game by the way? I think I will play it soon. After this I need a good story to forget this thing.

She was able to lift at least five big books without breaking a sweat.

Nosebleeds were still a problem though.

And lifting six books made her sweat like a senator.

She even managed to make a house within the walls like a mouse near Lightning's bed.

The less said about why it’s so close to his bed the better. Suffice to say Krysta likes to watch.

So she decides to live like vermin. Hints regarding Mykan`s hatred for women?

Everytime I think that bastard has topped the charts in terms of sexism, he throws another subtle curveball like that.

Just perfect for one her size.

Yes I’m sure living in the walls of the house is really comfortable. What Lighting can’t skimp some cash for a dollhouse or something?

"Well, that's all of it." Lightning said.

“Every single dead hooker in my closet has been dumped in the lake. I’m scott free!”

Still, this was no time for them to rest. Lightning remembered his instructions from The Grand Ruler before they left the palace…

“Insert the package into your colon and after you’ve made it past the border get to the nearest private rest room. If you get caught no snitching. Remember what I did to the last stool pigeon.”

“And if you take even one second to rest I will have your hindquarters mounted over my fucking fireplace!”

"Once you settle into your new home, I want you to venture out and meet some of the populace. They have all been notified of your arrival and are anxious to meet you. It will help you get off a fine beginning. Good luck my student."

Grand Ruler: “Keep in mind that the ponies of the surface world generally communicate verbally, rather than through interpretive dance as I’ve taught you all these years. Good luck!”

Wow. The shameless similarity between this and the first episode of Mulp Fim really highlights how vastly different My Little Unicorn is from the source material.

So, Lightning and Krysta were off. Krysta couldn't fly as fast as Lightning so she simply sat on his head and held onto his golden horn.

Oh. My. God. I...there are no words. No words. My mind just went to a very dark place. A horrifying place.

(singing) Sit on my horn and tell me that you love me...

Soon, they arrived at their destination. The central town at the very center of the kingdom was Rainbow City Central, the biggest and busiest city in the entire dimension.

So THIS is where Vegeta’s victims end up...!

Tall buildings, and business places were all around, and many, many unicorns were all going about their business, going to work, walking their children to school.

Averting their eyes from the explicit act of cross speices mating going on in front of them.

Eating Cupcakes, teaching the little ones how friendship is awful and that they should all be hatefilled little morons...

Krysta and Lightning couldn't stop admiring the view, but they didn't know where to stop first to talk to anyone or what to do for that matter. As they walked through a quiet area of the city, where there wasn't as much noise, they suddenly spotted a large garden with all kinds of plants, vegetables, and beautiful flowers. "Wow!" exclaimed Lightning as he gazed at the lovely flowers. "Double wow!" added Krysta

Triple wow! You’ve made me stop giving a fuck already. No, scratch that I give even less than zero fucks. Negative fifty fucks!

as she fluttered around sniffing the many sensational smells. "Mmm…! Smells like… like…"

Teen Spirit?

Nirvana?

But then her little nose began to twitch, "Ah… Ah… Ah-Ah…!"

Next we'll get an unsolicited infodump about Krysta's Fairy-Sense and how it's completely different from Pinkie Sense because it runs on like farts or something.

Her nose twitches? Does that mean something is gonna to fall?

"Krysta…?" cried Lightning "Krysta, No!"

Lightning: “You have so much to live for!”

She does?

but Krysta had already sneezed "AH-CHOO…!" and even though she was just a little fairy, that single sneeze caused the flower she sniffed to keel over and lose all its petals. "Oh! Oh my!" cried Krysta.

Kryata just gave one of the worst George Takei impersonations ever.

That's when a red unicorn came dashing over. "Oh, no…! Not again?" he groaned as he gently began to scoop the fallen flower into a pot. Krysta apologized but the red unicorn said it wasn't her fault. "They always keel over when they make someone sneeze. I can fix it, though. No problem. There's no finer gardener than me."

“Hi, I’m Dickhead McArrogant!”

And yet your flowers are so fucking weak as shit they collapse from the small breeze created by a tinest of creatures. Sometimes, there’s no excuse for failure.

Well, I would consider “being a creation by Mykan” as potential excuse.

Lightning was amazed. "You mean, you grew all this?" he asked.

Buddy: “Grew, stole, it is all the same.”

All he had to do is feed his plants pony flesh and sacrifice bunnies to the Great Pumpkin

Nah, the bunny thing isnt related to the growth at all. He just...does that for no real reason.

The other unicorn nodded. "My name's Buddy Rose. Code-Number: FT5H.

"Fuck the 5 Haterz."

Hey, don’t forget me!

I'm the caretaker of the community garden. I can handle any flower, tree, weed

Weed explains a lot about this fanfic, actually.

Please. I had better trips from taking vitamin pills.

- anything that grows." And sure enough, in no time at all, the flower Krysta had ruined was standing upright again, and Buddy didn't seem to use any form of magic but rather ordinary gardening.

No. Just no. There is no ORDINARY gardening technique that can make flowers that you’ve killed become alive again. You are further establishing that your shitty characters are just a bunch of Mary Sues. “They have magic but they’re so awesome they don’t need it!” Argh, why do I subject myself to this shit?

"Huh…!" remarked Lightning. "That's amazing. Oh, by the way… I'm…"

A tool? An unlikeable ponce? A Gary Stu? Out with it, man!

A flaming homo?

"Lightning Dawn…? I know." said Buddy. "The Grand Ruler told everyone to expect you."

"There's a lynch mob forming in the town square. I'm here to give you one chance to leave."

Isn`t it funny? The Grand Retard knew Lightning could not make friends on his behalf and therefore he orders everyone to become his friends.

Christ, that’s just sad. Even for a Mykan OC.

"Uh… yeah… he did." said Lightning.

Buddy hated to dash off but he had a few other vegetables to take care of.

He’d have to dash real fast to rainbow those veggies or otherwise he’d be all dashed out and rainbow her dash before her dash in dashing rainbow dash. RAINBOW!

What? It reminded me of an infinitely better parody series of the same show. I’m looking for joy in the smallest things to keep my interest.

"Oh I'm sorry to impose, but could you do me a really big favor?" he asked while giving Lightning a small basket of vegetables.

"Ugh…!" groaned Lightning as he quickly stood upright and grabbed the basket with his front legs.

Just grab things in your mouth. Why do they need to stand on two legs? Why? If they can, why walk on all fours at any rate?

Because it makes them special snowflakes and Mykan does not know that “four legs good, two legs bad”.

“OH NO A SMALL BASKET OF VEGETABLES THAT I HAVE TO CARRY. MY LIFE IS SO HARD.”

"Could you take these to the Rainbow Dish Inn,

HA HA! It’s a play on words! Oh god kill me. Kill me now.

COMPLETELY DIFFERENT SHOW! NOW WATCH AS I REFERENCE THE VERY THING I CLAIMED TO HATE

Mykan: “That one took me a whole 23 seconds to think up. Now laugh, you Simpletons...!”

when you go through town? Please?" and before Lightning could answer, Buddy had gone off, "Thank you!" he called back.
"Nice meeting you…!" Lightning scoffed softly.

While putting another entry in his hit list.

"Well… that went well." joked Krysta.

If the intent was to make me want to strangle a puppy, then yes. Yes it went well.

Well, it isn`t very polite to just push him the basket in the hooves.

…
Lightning had to carry that basket all over and got a lost a few times. "I should've asked for directions first." He groaned. "

No, Lightning! You have to BELIEVE that you can find the place, or you'll end up wandering in the desert for six decades! Just like the Hebrews!

Or this one guy from Ranma ½.

Why don't you sit and rest?" Krysta suggested. "Good idea!" Lightning panted and slumped down on a bench by a fountain, almost dropping the basket. "Oh! My poor hooves..!" It was times like this Lightning hated the fact he couldn't do magic as it would make things easier for him.

Then again, the apparent social stigma attached to magic usage would have gotten him ostracized by society and labeled a freak of nature.

Suddenly he heard someone say, "Excuse me…?" The voice belonged to an orange unicorn, wearing a red artist's hat, just up ahead who was painting on a canvas. "…you kind of walked into the way of the scenery."

"If you don't move, I'll be forced to fuck you up with my--wait a shit, you're that asshole that the Grand High Dirtbag sent over! Hey! Hey, Lynchy! I got him!"

"Ugh!" groaned Lightning, but then the other unicorn caught the sight of Krysta. "Is that a…fairy…?"

No, Krysta’s a girl. If she does swing that way she’s a dyke. Get your slurs right good sir.

Perhaps he is asking Krysta if Lightning...

His eyes lit up like the sun. "Hold still, please!" he said with excitement.

Sure. Just tell the flying creature to hold still in midair.

Krysta felt confused, but did as she was told, and in almost no time the artist showed her and Lightning his painting. "I shall call it Fairy Fountain."

The painting was of Krysta decapitated; blood spurting up from her neck like a fountain.

… You know, I could ask someone on a pony tumblr if he would draw it.

Krysta thought it was incredible. It looked so real almost as if she was staring into a mirror,

You fool! That’s your evil twin pretending to be a mirror! It’s the oldest sight gag in the books!

much to Lightning's dismay that "I notice I'm not in there." he said to himself.

Lightning: “Maybe I’m behind that stupid looking white unicorn with the tacky gold horn.”

"Who are you anyway?" he then asked.

The unicorn introduced himself as Artie. Code-number: HV7J.

Maybe Mykan just doesn't understand Roman numerals?

He was a fine artist who loved to paint, draw, and sculpt. "You should come to my art gallery sometime, both of you."

“Please come, for the love of God. I’m so lonely...”

Krysta's eyes lit up, "We'd love to." She said.

Krysta sounds WAY too infatuated by the idea of staring at crappy artwork. I guess shitty fanart is a major turn on for her.

Then I guess she likes deviantart.

"Yes… but we have an errand to." Lightning quickly said as he scooped Krysta in his right wing.

“Or rather I have an errand to do and you just have no independence.”

"Let's go, Krysta!" and he ran off with the basket of vegetables, much to Artie's confusion, but he couldn't wait to tell all his viewers that he had just seen and painted a real-live fairy.

By viewers he means the two people who follow him on facebook out of pity.

Let’s see: an antisocial shut-in and student to the monarch wanders around a new town bumping into people and inadvertently making new friends without wanting to. "THIS IS NOT FRIENDSHIP IS MAGIC SHUT UP IT IS NOT"

The difference is, that the “antisocial shut in” in case of FiM was still polite most of the time. Lightning acts like a pissed of jerk.

Krysta thought that was rude of Lightning. But Lightning thought Artie was a little too eccentric, especially how the way he acted as if he had never seen a fairy before,

“You’ve never seen this rare mythical creature? I scoff at you!”

The guy who dresses up like the Burger King at a gay bar, calling a character “eccentric”. Sure!

but that was pretty much the case as Krysta was the only fairy in the entire dimension, but that wasn't important now.

So let me tell you anyway

Man, that guy sure is weird for... reacting normally?

So she is the only fairy in the entire reality. No one has ever seen one before, beside the Grand Ruler perhaps. Why does Artie not react more along the lines of “Holy shit, what is this”?

As they turned round the next corner…CRASH! The vegetables were everywhere. Lightning felt the whole world spinning. "What hit me?" he groaned.

Whatever it was it wasn’t big enough to flatten you to death. Thus I am dissapointed greatly.

He got up and saw a yellow unicorn

WARNING: A HUGE BATTLESHIP “WORST THING EVER” IS APPROACHING FAST

Nah. Huge, awful Battleships involve aliens and weird flying sawblades. This is MUCH worse.

Just walk away, Lightning. Turn around and run as fast as you can.

that didn't see them as he turned the corner and ran right into them. He apologized to Lightning and Krysta… in rhyme.

It’s Rappy, the gangsta-rappin', ho-tappin', glock-glock-glock-watchin-mothafuckas-drop G-unit-corn! His serial number is THGLYF.

Welcome to Hell, a Today’s Special fanfic.

"I'm very sorry to have run into you.
That was a very silly thing to do."

That last line makes it sound like a threat. I feel like he’s gonna cut Lighting open for daring to touch him. THGLYF indeed.

Lightning apologized too, as he should have watched where he was going. He then offered to help them both pick up the vegetables and put them back in the basket.

Don’t worry about them falling into that puddle of toxic waste. Just throw them back in the basket and no one will notice.

"I'll help you as part of my task."
Say! Are you Lightning Dawn, may I ask?"

shoot him... shoot him now. No one will miss him.

Except for Mykan himself, but he doesn’t count.

"Uh… yes… I am…." answered Lightning "And this is Krysta."

"Um… do you always speak like that?" asked Krysta.

Because it is very creepy. Makes you sound like HIM.

The unicorn chuckled…

I imagine him to chuckle like Light Yagami at this point. Or Lelouche. Whoever sounds creepier.

He laughs the same way every Mykan character does: “Hmm, mm, mm, mm, mmmmmm...!”

I won’t have you spreading LIES AND SHIT on Mykan.

He also uses “Ha, ha, ha, ha, ah, ah, ah ah”

"If you mean if I always speak in rhyme…
The answer is yes… all the time."

It`s a medical condition, caused by an eye-sized tumor.

Several attempts have already been made on his life because of this simple fact. Sadly, none of them have worked. Rhymey adopted Hitler’s apparent lucky survival streak.

"My name is XL7Z.
But if you wish, you may call me Rhymey.

So are the serial numbers their names or not? Explain? Context hello?

Watch; the story's climax will be Lightning declaring "I am not a number; I am a unicorn!" And then he'll promptly die because he didn't BELLIIIIEEEEEVVEEE hard enough.

Are they getting their names the same way you get your licence plate number?

I love to speak in Rhyme, you see.
…for I write songs and poetry."

THAT! DOESN’T! RHYME! (Throws self out window) AHHHHHHH!

Okay, who is going to sweep the dirt from the street? Meanwhile, let me ask: Why does he have to talk like this, just because he is a pretentious poet? That's like saying Elton John has always to speak in Falsetto.

Krysta and Lighting never knew anyone who spoke in rhyme before, but it seemed okay to them as Rhymey did just admit he was a poet.

If he was, say, a witch doctor then they’d have to give him a thorough beating.

Or a zebra, as those aren’t allowed anywhere in Unicornicopia, the “perfect country”.

"I hope that again we may chat.
But I'm busy right now, and I must scat."

Rhymey then proceeded to annoy everyone with a terrible rendition of one of Cab Calloway’s greatest songs. He was then promptly shot.

Now my “horseshit” comment works figuratively and literally.

Thanks Rhymey. I really wanted to know, what you do Friday nights. (sarcasm)

Then he flew off leaving a much confused but amazed Krysta and Lightning. "Wow! He sure loves to rhyme." said Krysta.

No fuckin' shit; the guy named Rhymey, who talks in rhyme, loves to rhyme. The fairy race's sole representative in this story really isn't making a good case for herself.

"And to think we'll that when we meet him next time." added Lightning. Then he and Krysta realized they both just made a rhyme, and they were both not amused.

Join the club.

Eventually, they found the place they were looking for…

White Castle? Are we finally at White Castle?

Just ahead was a building with a chef's hat shapped roof, and a sign with a blue unicorn that read "Cookie Dough's Rainbow Dish Inn."

I’m never gonna get to White Castle at this rate. I’m never gonna see the dorm again am I?

Lightning felt so relieved and couldn't wait to get rid of the basket he had been holding for a while.

OH NO HOLDING A BASKET HOW MISERABLE YOU ARE (A LOT).

The restaurant was very busy. Unicorns were everywhere.

Being carved up live and served with coleslaw.

I want a leg! Smoked venison is delicious!

Does horse flesh even taste good?

Some, who looked as if they had already eaten, were ordering seconds or just stiffing themselves.

Guess winged unicorns represent the Element of Gluttony as a species at whole.

Any second now one of them is gonna eat just one more waffer thin morsel and explode his guts everywhere in a comical fashion.

...Stiffing?

"They must've really been hungry." said Krysta.

No fuckin' shit; the patrons of a restaurant were hungry when they arrived, and after eating, were less hungry. Brilliant observation as always, Krysta.

She is still a better detective than Inspector Gadget.

Then, as she sniffed the air, she could tell why. The smell of so many wonderful foods... "Oh! Oh my…! It smells so good."

Krysta: “Oh God I’m getting wet just smelling it!”

"Krysta, this is no time to be thinking about food." snapped Lightning,

A restaurant is the last place where you want to think about eating.

Fuck you! Food’s my happy place! This is the only way I’m gonna survive this shit! Thinking about something that doesn’t make me violently ill!

but then his stomach growled. He had quite forgotten that he hadn't eaten lunch what with all the distractions he had been having. "On the other hand…" he said.

On the other hoof, dumbass!

Just then, the big doors to the kitchen opened and several waiters and waitresses came out holding tureens and trays of delicious hot foods, fresh tossed salads, fruits and pastries, and then…

Let me guess, they broke out into a poorly choreographed rendition of “Be Our Guest.”

Thanks for ruining Beauty and the Beast for me now.

all the customers rose out of their seats and applauded as the head chef came out.

Or rather, the chef’s head came out... on a pike. These guys have very high standards and react violently when they aren’t met.

It was that same blue unicorn from the sign on the restaurant. He wore a white chef's hat, apron, and his code-number was BP1D,

British Petroleum's 1 Dick.

Grand Ruler is so jealous.

yet everyone cheered"Hail Cookie Dough! Hail Cookie Dough!"

Cookie Dough, leader of the National Socialist Food Party.

And we will cook food, as there has never been cooked food before! Sieg Heil! Sieg Heil!

"Honored guests…" Cookie Dough announced. "Your admiration of my humble fare is most appreciated. It fills my heart with joy… to fill your stomachs with delight. Eat hearty, everyone!"

Cookie Dough then rubbed his hooves together and looked away from the dining room in a hunched over position.

“Yes fools,” he whispered to himself evilly “keep eating, little do you know you edge ever closer to the poisoned side dishes. Ha ha!”

“Tonight! You dine! IN HELL!”

So, what is Cookie serving? Foxglove salad?

The customers all cheered and continued to feast,

The food falling from their mouths as they didn’t keep them closed. Dumbasses.

but Lightning followed Cookie Dough into the kitchen.

Does this restaurant not have a sign that says “Employees Only” or is Lighting Dawn incapable of reading? I suppose his sheltered existence has numbed him to the idea of restricted areas but I doubt Mykan thinks that far ahead.

Or considering what a failure Grand ruler is as teacher, he never tought Lightning how to read and just said “you have to believe you can read”

"Um… excuse me?" he asked.

Cookie Dough turned round,

"Aw, dammit, there goes my chronic obesity again."

"Oh! You must be the new delivery unicorn, just set those vegetables down over there in the corner."

And please ignore the pony cadaver. My assistant Pinkamina is just preparing dessert.

Ugh, no. Not even Cupcakes!Pinkie deserves to be in this.

Lightning did as he was told but then said, "Actually, I'm Lightning Dawn."
Cookie Dough turned round again. "You mean, The Lightning Dawn? The apprentice of The Grand Ruler…?"

The guy we shall treat like Bella Swan on her first day at the new school or otherwise we get turned into glue?

Boy will it be awkward when they find out he’s really Lite Neeng Don: infamous con artist.

Lightning blinked once "Yes…" and then his stomach growled again. Cookie Dough hated the sound of stomachs growling in hunger.

He much preferred the noises that digestive distress made. That's why he became a chef.

"Oh my…! This won't do." he said and before Lightning knew it, Cookie Dough had given him and Krysta a special table right there in the kitchen and the two were watched him skillfully mix, mash, slice, and chop up all the foods he would use to cook with into a perfect meal for them both. It was almost hypnotic to watch.

ALL HAIL THE HYPNO-CHEF!

Does he do it with his bare hooves or actually by using magic? I mean the knife work.

"So, you're a cook, obviously?" asked Krysta.

Krysta`s special fairy power seems to be to state the obvious.

Cookie Dough shook his head and explained that he was actually more of a chef than a cook. "You see… a cook feeds the stomach… A chef nourishes the soul and educates the taste-buds."

A chef and a cook are the same fucking thing, one name just sounds more fancy. Please shut your pie hole. You are not Pixar, this fanfic is not about cooking rats, you do not get to educate me about culinary professions.

Before Lightning or Krysta could say anything more,

Like “What the fuck does that mean?”.

their meal was set before them. "Try it. You'll like it." said Cookie Dough. Not wanting to be rude, Lightning and Krysta took a little nibble… then like magic… it was as if something inside of them sparked.

Are you implying that they needed magic to eat their food?! Pah! Some winged unicorns they turned out to be! Hey, everypony! These assholes need magic to eat their food!

Of course they do. Mykan didn’t know the purpose of stomach acid, so he created them without a working digestive system. Eating is a complicated, painful process for all of them.

It tasted so incredibly wonderful; they just had to keep eating until not a morsel was left. Krysta didn't eat too much though due to her small size… to her a little food was a lot.

And a lot of food was a little.

By the time they were both finished, they felt as if they could hardly move.

And now this fanfic became Cupcakes.

Please. If that thing were Cupcakes related, everyone would be dead by now. And for the first time I would have to give credit to someone who writes something Cupcakes related.

It was no surprise that was what Cookie Dough was famous for. He could satisfy the appetite of anyone, even if they were even hungry.

So just like every other chef ever. Hey Mykan, remember to actually write out your contractions in full. Otherwise you just look like an idiot repeating the same fucking thing again.

Before Lightning and Krysta left, Cookie gave them an invitation he was meant to hand to them upon their arrival. It was an invitation to the town library and observatory, but exactly why or what for, it didn't say.

So he gives them the invitation. How did anyone know that Lightning would actually meet Cookie today? I mean, the entire reason they meet is just because he delivered the vegetables. And he wouldn`t have brought them, if he hadn`t landed in Buddy`s garden. Fucking Mykan and his logic.

It was the will of the Force that they meet.

So they decided to head straight over, following the directions on the invitation, but as they went they passed by the hospital and someone called out. "You there…! Hold it!"

Stop right there criminal scum!

Lightning turned and saw a white unicorn with a pink mane, and wearing a cap with a red cross on it approaching him. Her number was DR3F,

Dr. 3 Flatlines

but everyone knew her as Dr. Penny Sillion.

This is just awful.

Alexander Fleming is spinning in his grave.

"Are you Lightning Dawn?" she asked.

"Who wants to know?" said Lightning.

Well don’t expect any lovin’ with that first impression. Oh that’s right, Mykan thinks love is icky and shit.

On the other hand, love thinks the same of him.

“whoof want to know?”

"Thought so… Come with me." replied Dr. Penny as she dragged Lightning into the hospital, much to his protest. "Hey! What are you?"

That’s a unicorn, Lightning.

According to Mykan, that is. To EVERYONE else, it’s an Alicorn.

The Grand Ruler's orders were that every new comer to Unicornicopa had to have a physical examination,

To preserve the genetic purity of the Unicornicopian race, all undesirables are filtered out during processing, then taken to, uh, "processing" to be "processed." Curiously, Cookie Dough himself is a big proponent of this system, which makes one wonder...

Do you think the procedure includes an enema? I really want to see the guy suffer.

and that's exactly what Lightning went through, but in addition to the traditional things,

We also got every alternative medicine under the sun. No Penny, magnets have no observable health benefit.

Those tiny, ball-shaped magnets? That’s just how she disposes of people that disobey the Ruler’s laws.

Dr. Penny only got this job because she spends a lot of time under the desk of the head surgeon. Poor Lightning, he just wasn’t ready for this. Stupid shut-in.

Lightning was also put a treadmill to see how fast he could canter, or flutter with weights on his back to see how much he could support,

And this accomplishes... what exactly? Besides just being plain fucking stupid as hell and a huge waste of time.

Perhaps Penny gets more money from his health insurance because of it.

but the worst test was the magic test, which was like having your blood tested, and almost done the exact same way,

Magic is contained in the blood? Is this another midichlorian thing?

I thought of Scientology.

only much to Penny's surprise. "What…?" she exclaimed when she realized Lightning didn't have any magic like most unicorns she saw "Yet, you have a golden horn…?"

Plated, it’s gold plated. That is all it is.

"Yes!" snapped Lightning. "I don't have magic, but I have a golden horn. Yet I'm fit as a fiddle, healthy and keen- Can I go now?"

Not yet, we still has the anal exam. Now bend over.

Penny saw no reason why he couldn't, but she assured Lightning she would see him again. "A gold-horned unicorn that can't do magic?" she thought. "I just don't understand."

Only thing to do now is to gut him like a fish and see what makes him tick.

Suddenly I fully support dissection in biology classes. So long as it involves shitty OCs.

Lightning was getting tired of running into so many unicorns everywhere he went. "Couldn't I have just met them all in one place?" he asked

Would’ve made killing them all a hell of alot easier that’s for sure.

Lighting: “Why couldn’t everypony in town alter their schedule for my benefit?”

"I'm getting tired, and I would like some time to myself at least."

Lightning: I just want to go on the ponynet and whine about how shitty the ending of “My Little Brony” is.

"Aw, come on, Lightning." Krysta reminded him, "You're still getting know the place, and that's what The Grand Ruler said, right?"

Yeah he gave basically no real direction or instructions and just set you loose to do whatever. That’s how you get to know a town and it’s people. Mindless wandering.

Lightning knew she was right, and so they continued on their way through town, and finally reached the library. "This must be it." He said as they ventured inside, only to find everything was all dark. They couldn't' see anything, even when Krysta used her glow to make a little light. "This is getting creepy." She shuttered.

Stating shit we don’t really need to know or is plain fucking obvious. You really are Navi aren’t you bitch?

He calls that creepy? Creepy would be the case if he was in Silent Hill and Freddy Krueger and Sakado were playing DDR in the background, while Pinhead is going to give you an acupuncture treatment.

No. Creepy is the fact that people left positive reviews on Magic is Believing.

Lightning felt the same, and he got a sick feeling that they weren't alone. Then, all at once, the lights went on followed by the voices of many yelling "SURPRISE…!"

And Lightning shotgunned the shit out of everyone cause he thought they were zombies.

THIS STORY IS TOTALLY NOT LIKE THE REAL SHOW AT ALL!

Balloons and decorations were everywhere as confetti fell from the ceiling, and big banner that read,

“Welcome, Surprise”

“Hey, you’re not Surprise!”

“Get the fuck out of here, Lightning!”

"Welcome, Lightning Dawn"

“...to DIE!”

The head of this party was the librarian, Inquerius. Her number was ES4G.

“Equestrian Show 4 Girls”, clearly Mykan’s attempt to subliminally discourage us from watching FiM.

She was a grey unicorn, and wore half-moon spectacles. "Are you surprised, Lightning?" she asked.

Not really, since you’re basically just copying the plot now.

If Inquerius is supposed to be the Pinkie Pie of this fanfic, I am so going to kill something.

Lightning was almost speechless. "I… uh… this… me…?"

Great. Lightning now lost his ability to talk properly. Wait, that`s actually an improvement.

It’s Mykan’s writing. Even his OCs are losing brain cells.

Before he could say anything else, all the unicorns approached him introducing themselves, and offering him some refreshments, or to join a game, or even dance.

Well that’s just all so silly at a party! After all Lighting is overqualified for that. XP

"I think I'll just have some punch please." cried Lightning, who really needed to cool off from all the sudden buzz and excitement.

So a bunch of fellow unicorns offer you some cake and shit and suddenly you need to cool down from the excitement. Yes, how pulse pounding it must be that people were talking to you.

He is probably now working out a way to blow them all to heaven come, considering the author is the kind of person who imagined to kill his cousin at her wedding.

So much had already happened to him that day he hardly ever had anytime to himself or to rest, and every time he tried to excuse himself he would bump into another unicorn and find himself unable to get away.

The horror of social interaction! When Twilight did it, it was funny. When Mykan does it, you want to punch the fucker for being a whinny bitch. At least Twilight had an excuse, she was concerned about the apocalypse! Lighting is a fat ass shut in!

You know, Sasuke Uchiha made a better first impression on me than Lightning in this fanfic. Scratch that, freaking Shinji Ikari made a better impression on me.

"Krysta…! Help…!" he begged, but Krysta was a little preoccupied by her own fan-crowd of spectators who were amazed to see an actual fairy.

I think that’s a lynch mob actually.

No, that is the equivalent of a brony called “fairycolt”. They are closet homosexuals who like to dress up in flower outfits and dance through the woods to summon the big fairy queen. So far the closest thing they ever summoned was Dr. Frank N Furter.

Then suddenly, all went dark, and the stage curtains at the back of the party lit up for the entertainment was about to begin. "And now everyone…" the announcer called, "The mystifying magic of… Abra-Kadabra…!"

Everypony, meet Trixie’s malformed even less talented brother!

Wasn`t that the name of a Flash villain who was also a sociopath?

POOF! A puff of purple smoke puffed and then, as if out of nowhere, appeared a purple unicorn, wearing a magician's hat and cape, and his number was CQ2E.

“Close Quarters 2 Easy”, Mykan’s way of insulting Snake’s combat methods.

"Thank you! Thank you!" he said with a kind English accent,

Fun fact: This is one of 3 characters “voiced by Mykan”. Grand Dictator is another one and the 3rd one is coming up in a little

We can never escape his annoying as fuck voice can we? Well... only one way out now. (Places revolver in mouth)

*sighs* Listen buddy. (takes the revolver) We both know you are not going to kill yourself. Also, what point is there in killing yourself, if you still have so much hate to spill?

to the cheering crowd.

So he was speaking to no one, then?

"And now… if I may have a volunteer to help me with my first fantastic trick, please!"

Does it involve that catching the bullet with your teeth thing? Cause I can do that.

Since Lightning was the guest of honor, you can bet the crowd was urging him to go, shoving him up on stage despite his protests. "Well, Lightning Dawn- how wonderful I am to meet you." said Abra.

Did he just basically compliment himself for meeting him? Really? Oh god, this is a new record in terms hating a character. I want him punch him so hard now.

Still better than Rhymey

"Yeah…! Charmed…" said Lightning.

“Then again, it’s not everyday I get to meet a Pokemon...”

Lightning then commanded Krysta to bite Abra, pulling out a pokeball to catch the weakened creature.

The first trick was the old magic-box. Lightning stepped in. The door was shut. Abra tapped each his hooves twice. The door opened, and Lightning was gone.

Welp, story’s over.

"Ooh…!" went the crowd

Boo! Trap door! Lame!

Well someone has to voice dissent in this crap.

and Abra then took of his hat, and gave it a tap, and plop.

...Was there manure in his hat?

Out popped a fanfic.

"Ah…!" Lightning fell out of it and onto the stage. The crowd cheered for both Abra and Lightning.

That aint’ impressive. He just used portals!

It was a good thing that, after which, everyone was so preoccupied watching the show and the entertainment, that Lightning and Krysta could finally slip off deeper into the library to have to quiet time instead of having to talk to someone new every ten seconds.

Lighting Dawn: Finally we’re alone! Let’s get to the lovin’

Krysta: But you always hurt me.

Lighting Dawn: Bitch I ain’t asking! Strip!

I like to think that Lightning uses her for the same kind of fetish Richard Gere is supposed to have. Not because I enjoy it, but because I want to ruin Mykan`s characters so, so much.

I'm going to go book browsing.

The only book she found was something called “The Incredible Beast”

Krysta said. "Want some company?" Lightning offered. "No thanks. I'll be okay." replied Krysta as she flew off. Lightning had a good idea of what Krysta was looking for and he hoped that she would find it.

She either figured out how to make her boobs bigger and her waist smaller or she was out.

Lightning could only sigh, and then he turned to gaze out a window. The night has certainly come quickly, but then again he did have a very busy day so the time just flew by.

I swear to God if that had actually said time dashed by I would have strangled myself with the first Burger King crown I could obtain.

Lightning knew this was The Grand Ruler's doing, he always brought in the most beautiful nights

The days were okay too, he supposed. Lightning rated them at a solid 7.265.

, but Lightning's daydreaming was interrupted when a book fell down and landed right beside him. "Huh?"

The book was the necronomicon. It instantly tried to pull the stupid pony into it and eat his face.

It could be worse: It could have been the Dark Prognosticus

It was an ordinary book on astronomy. "Is anyone down there…?" called a feminine voice form up a spiral flight of stairs. "Yes…?" Lightning called "Is this your book?"

"Yes! Could you bring it up please?"

Lighting Dawn: Bitch, get it yourself! I’m overqualified!

“No, you get it; you fat, lazy prick!” Love at first sight, my friends.

Lightning flew up to the top instead of climbing the stairs,

Show off.

and emerged in the observatory on top of the library, which was rather only but a single room, much like an attic.

"Oh, thank you so much." said the voice. Lightning turned round and saw the voice belonged to… the most… beautiful unicorn he had ever seen! She was white,

Why am I not surprised?

So, all the good and beautiful characters are white. Yeah, not racist at all. Bet they also dress up every year as ghosts and visit the zebras.

and had a violet sparkling mane, long eyelashes which glittered when she blinked;

Rarity: Bland Edition

her armor sparkled like the very stars themselves.

My god! The Cullens bit a pony!

She was looking through her telescope, up at the night sky.

As opposed I guess to spying on the neighbours. But I highly doubt they’re doing anything of actual interest in this town anyway. You’d die of boredom just trying to spy on them.

Lightning felt all strange and soft inside. "I, uh… I didn't see you at the party." Lightning said

"Oh, I didn't feel like it. I just can't stop looking up at the stars." answered the unicorn.

“like... woah. I can see sounds, duuuude”

It`s full fo stars.....

"Um… what's your name?" asked Lightning.

The unicorn looked at him and spoke softly. "My name's Starla- Starla Shine.

“Hi, I’m your shallow love interest for today.”

Code-Number: KY1M. Who are you?"

“Kill Your 1 Mother”. Mykan sends a message to himself.

He hesitated for a minute as he found himself lost in Starla's eyes, "I'm Lightning Dawn. Code-Number: AO0C."

Is telling everyone your code number when you meet them really that neccessary? Is it a status symbol or something if you got more vowels?

"Lightning…" Starla said softly.

And then they fucked!

The two of them seemed to get along well for having just met.

They better not break up due to Things Changing. I’ve already got Count Lightning in case. Clearly this is TRUE LUV.

Starla explained she loved to look at the stars because to her they were just so mystical and held many secrets, almost like they could tell you a story or give advice.

I want to hear their story. It probably kicks the shit out of this one.

She kept all her sightings in a notebook she had with her, and showed Lightning all the many constellations she had discovered. Some that even dated back to the time when The Grand Ruler fought off the evil sorcerer one-thousand years ago and defeated him.

So she’s in the Matriarch stage then I assume. Lightning is a cake eater either way.

She discovered star constellations that went back to the time the Grand Ruler... okay what? I am not into astronomy, but star constellations don`t appear “suddenly” 1000 years ago out of nowhere. Also, she is the only astronomist in the entire kingdom, in over 1000 years? Dear Lord and Luna thought no one appreciated her work.

"Lately I've been trying to discover more constellations or something new." Starla said

Because connecting the dots with stars is such a big discovery apparently.

“Hey guys! I discovered that this group of stars looks kind of like a dick!”

“That’s... great, Starla. We’re really happy for you.”

"Well what's out there tonight?" asked Lighting. Starla took a peek through her telescope. At first she saw nothing but the same old stars, but then. "Wait a minute! What's that…?" She spotted a strange sort of light, but it defiantly wasn't a star.

It was in its rebellious teenage years.

It looked as if it was moving.

Well, better get Bruce Willis on the phone.

Lightning could soon see it with his own eyes. "Whatever it is… I think it's coming right this way."

No, wait, this is a Mykan story! We should hire a bunch of schoolgirls in Japan who work at a cafe! And their boss! Who is vaguely qualified for this task because he’s a taskmaster or something.

Please let the thing be the same meteor that we got in “The colors of space” by Lovecraft.

Suddenly there was large quake followed by strikes of dark lightning, with a very loud and a sinister laughing sound!
"What's happening?" cried Lightning.

Someone makes a big entrance to hide the fact he has a small penis.

"Oh…!" cried Starla!

Starla: “Alright, who grabbed my flank?”

Lightning: *whistles*

They could hear the other unicorns screaming down below and dashed down to see what was going on.

Ah, there it is. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a trip to a local fast food place.

"Lightning!" called Krysta "What's going on…?"

"Can this be…?" cried Inquerius "Are the rumors true…?"

No for the last time, they are not bringing back Pettycoat Junction! Deal with it!

The doors flew open letting strong winds into the place as the windows shattered. Everyone was running about in panic as a large flash of lightning and big roar of thunder struck.

Classic flashbang and clear move, looks like Rainbow Six is mvoing in to answer our prayers and take these bitches out.

Then… there… on the stage… appeared a tall human-shaped figure

This brings the question..how the hell would the Mykanicorns know what a human is?

dressed in dark robes, shoulder-guards, and a dark hood atop completely concealing his face within its shadows- except his eyes, his red and evil eyes glowing in the darkness within the hood.

Move along. Just another Creepypasta

Poor guy has one of the worst cases of trachoma I have ever seen.

Lightning could barely speak as he just stood there, gawking at the evil creature as it spoke. "I… am… Titan! The emperor of all darkness, and bringer of chaos and nightmares…!"

“I also do bar mitzvahs.”

Based on my villain entrance and behaviour equals level of threat theory, this guy actually may be less dangerous as Team Rocket. Why I can appreciate an impressive entrance like in case of Palpatine (as long as the villain is a political threat) if your supposed master of all evil has to make himself appear like this without achieving something bigger than give everyone a good scare, you fail. Please call the Scooby Gang to take care of him.

Forget that. Scooby Doo is too intellectual for this.

His appearance seemed familiar to Lightning, and that's when he made the comparisons to the old stories. "You…!" snarled Lightning "You're the one I've heard of from the stories. That same evil The Grand Ruler banished to the Dimension of Darkness!"

Titan: Yeah so? I pretty much just said that.

Lighting: Well, I uh, I wanted to be useful.

Titan: Being the exposition unicorn is never useful, sit in a corner till I’m done gloating.

Twilight`s exposition at least made sense. What made less sense was the fact, that no one was recognizing Nightmare Moon as who she was despite the fact, that they have a daily holiday based on her. And I know that was up in season 2, but come on. Continuity.

Titan chuckle evil

Fic damage brain.

"Yes…! But alas, that seal could not keep me a prisoner forever.

So you’re sad it failed and you got out?

Your Grand Ruler should have finished me off when he had the chance! Now, his mistake shall be inflicted on you all as my first order of vengeance of being locked up for all these centuries…!"

Titan: From now on, the only Disney films that shall be readily available will be the straight to DVD sequels! WA HA HA HA!

I think reality beat him to the punch on that one.

He raised his monstrous hands up high unleashing powerful bolts of energy everyone to further frighten everyone and his evil laugh echoed "This world… and all that reside here SHALL FEEL THE WRATH OF DARKNESS!"

The Darkness will of course be voiced of course by Mike Patton.

Titan: From this moment on, the night will last for- oh wait, the wrong script. Sorry guys. Was already confused it was suddenly so good.

To be continued…!

Author's Facts:

Fact 4: Adding the phrase “Space Fleet” in random intervals makes this completely different from Magic is Believing

Fact 5 (and spoiler): so far, despite the word space in the title, there is not one battle in space. Nowhere.

-The monsters and evil forces these space-unicorns face are far more Space-treacherous and formidable than Space-anything the FIMs have ever faced. Not even Space-Discord amounts to them. That was my Space-goal.

If I state aloud they are a greater threat then they ARE a greater threat! I don’t have to SHOW I just have to TELL!
-Excerpt from “How to write a Shitty Story just like Mykan Does!”

-The name Titan means "Powerful Big Man"

You mean like the Teen Powerful Big Men? Or that film Powerful Big Man A.E? Or that moon of Saturn called Powerful Big Man.

Don`t forget every generic bad guy ever.

Sym-Bionic Powerful Big Man?

I think that suits the enemy well.

Despite both the above examples being heroes, yes it makes a great evil name! Just like Nasty McEvilstein Jerkface.

-Rhymey does talk in Rhyme…

You don’t say...

I never noticed.

then again… so does Zecora and even Discord does (At times)

Discord talks in riddles, that’s his thing. The ryhming and riddles go together. Niether of them are main characters either and their rhymes are actually competant and not fucking stupid. Rhymey speaks like this all the time, is a main character and does it for no fucking reason that makes any sense. Also, his rhymes. Suck. Balls!

Still, why does Zecora of all characters talk in rhymes anyway? Ah well. she is funny in that regard and does at least not talk in questions.

---

So to recap: A socially awkward pony and a faithful companion are sent to a new town where they befriend five other ponies, then they have a party in a library shortly before an ancient evil is awakened.

Then Mykan turned off his TV and wrote an angry fanfiction about it.

[Max-Vader]

Question: Why devote the time figuring out who everyone is for one joke if you probably could have mocked the damn thing yourself in that amount of time?

[T_K_17]

Question: Why devote the time figuring out who everyone is for one joke if you probably could have mocked the damn thing yourself in that amount of time?

A) It wouldn't take nearly as much effort to guess who's who as your question implies.

B) Multiple simultaneous mocks of the same story are extremely rare.

C) I put in this challenge for fun and figured adding some little reward would encourage participation. If you have an idea for a more favorable reward, I'd love to hear about it.

[The Chosen]

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/RecycledINSPACE

This fic in a nutshell.

[Max-Vader]

A) It wouldn't take nearly as much effort to guess who's who as your question implies.

Far too much in order for it to be worth it, though. But that's just me.

C) I put in this challenge for fun and figured adding some little reward would encourage participation. If you have an idea for a more favorable reward, I'd love to hear about it.

Hell if I know, but you could always go back to the original approach. Dunno why you changed it in the first place. I mean, it wasn't that big of a motivator anyway, but why would you replace it by something much less motivating unless this is meant to be some sort of punishment because nobody either bothered or guessed correctly.

[T_K_17]

Far too much in order for it to be worth it, though. But that's just me.

Screaming Soulcatcher was actually pretty close in his guess, but I'll admit that difficulty varies with each person.

Hell if I know, but you could always go back to the original approach. Dunno why you changed it in the first place. I mean, it wasn't that big of a motivator anyway, but why would you replace it by something much less motivating unless this is meant to be some sort of punishment because nobody either bothered or guessed correctly.

Partly that and partly realizing that six mockers at once is pushing it enough as it is.

[Max-Vader]

Partly that and partly realizing that six mockers at once is pushing it enough as it is.

Which raises the question of why you did it in the first place if that's your view on it.

[T_K_17]

Which raises the question of why you did it in the first place if that's your view on it.

I wasn't even 100% on the idea when I suggested it, hence the question marks. Continuing to work on the riff pushed me away from the idea further. I've kind of been using this mock as an opportunity for experimenting with things I haven't tried before and seeing what works and what doesn't, such as running a simultaneous group mock and that challenge.

[DraculaMarth]

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

[Airrider]

Oh, for the love of...

We're going to have to start rotating AFTER folks so nobody, like, overloads and hangs themselves from the Mykan overexposure, aren't we?

[Al_Cone]

Far too much in order for it to be worth it, though. But that's just me.

The gag's worth is proportional to how important you think it is to complain about it.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: May 4 2012, 09:27 PM

[Max-Vader]

The gag's worth is proportional to how important you think it is to complain about it.

Al, if you want to deliver sharp and witty zingers, it's best to have them make sense, because this one didin't.

See, I wasn't complaining; I was genuinely confused and curious as to why he did that. Because before I asked him, I was only able to interpret this as either a bad joke or as an insult a la "do this and we might dignify your ass by being able to get in ONE JOKE in our elite circle of mockers".

This post has been edited by Max-Vader: May 5 2012, 03:17 AM

[DraculaMarth]

TK, Al. I'm afraid I have to side with Max on this one. It seems like you're fishing for comments.

[T_K_17]

TK, Al. I'm afraid I have to side with Max on this one. It seems like you're fishing for comments.

IT SEEMS TO BE WORKING.

No, seriously, I did it because I thought it would be fun. Apparently it's not so I'll give away the answer next chapter.