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> Swansong, Aria The Mangling Of Source Material
Post #1

I Accidentally The Planetarium

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post Mar 31 2012, 06:12 AM
Dig this.

Of "slice-of-life" anime, I can only say that I don't watch that many. But Aria is a special case: it's one of the most relaxing, mellow, and prettiest slice-of-life anime I have ever experienced. It follows Akari Mizunashi, who is one of many girls who live on the idyllic terraformed Mars as they work as gondoliers in a recreation of Venice. It is an excellent series when you want to wind down and stop being all hot and bothered.

On a yuri fanfiction archive, I found stories: just two.

Now I have no quarrel with yaoi or yuri as long as it's executed properly. There appears to be less squick factor for yuri, but to prove that girls love can get off just as poorly as boys love; I introduce you to a seemingly-harmless yuri fic called Swansong by one "psycho888999."

So a lot doesn't really happen story-wise in Aria itself with every episode being sort of self-contained, but there ARE plot threads and they do end things with a resolution that makes it seem as if stuff actually has happened and as if we've grown with the cast. Cool, yeah, sure.

So the series ends with Akari's mentor, Alicia Florence, getting married. Okay, fine. This caused lots of speculation because we never get to see the lucky guy. Right. So it's a happy ending, right?

Not if you want to write yuri, apparently. Alongside the usual badfic characterization fail, there's this creepy stuff in between the lines. Not only does the author make her husband abusive (apparently because he was a closet BDSM practitioner, so that's my fetishes attacked and misused yet again), but grimdark was insidiously injected into every facet of the Aria setting. If the aim was for AU, the author sorely failed. But apparently it's not, so I'm forced to assume the mood-and most of what we assume about Aria-was killed to make this Aria-in-name-only yuri fic happen.

Fuck that shit with a gondola oar, is what I'm saying. And there's no better way to do that than with this: a riffing.

As ever, story in normal AFTER white, my commentary in a nice shade of blue.


The Aria company house peacefully stood at the southern dock of Neo Venezia. The first rays of sunlight radiated into the round window that peered into Akari’s room.

They didn't go any further, leaving Akari in pitch darkness.

The bed was empty and made, for she had already gotten up to start the day’s errands.

...well, at least it's starting slow, kind of easing in like an actual episode...

One, make breakfast for Ai and herself.

Two, chart out the course for Ai’s training session.

You know, finalize the briefing, figure out the hard deck...

Three, go over the financial inventories.

The banking corporation, the private jet, buying out that cruise line...you know, the little things.

And finally four, revise her own chart plotting in order to give returning customers a new flavour.

Chili cheese.

She was scheduled to take an entire family on a merry trip through the ancient and antiquated tunnels that snaked their way here and there in erratic patterns around the city,

Because getting lost in there worked so well last time.

but the family had cancelled their trip in favour of going on a mundane outing through the fox shrines.

After the last few customers got stolen away by the fox spirit, Akari remembered to carry fried tofu everywhere as a precaution.

Akari played with her luxurious pink locks and hooked her pinkie around her coffee mug.

GRRR! Akari Mizunashi, so strong she can lift her mug with her PINKIE! RAAARGH!

She liked black coffee these days. If it were a year back, she would have thrown up after one sip, but the bitter taste was growing on her.

Maybe that’s why they called it an acquired taste.

Or maybe her coffee always comes out tasting like transmission fluid. Who knows?

True, she still retained her cheerful disposition through the months, but even Ai could sense that something was horribly wrong with her on the inside.

If this story involves xenomorphs now, I'm leaving.

Akari was pretty sure she had the first traces of bags under her eyes,

But they were expensive and designer, so they weren't that big a problem.

for her sleeping over the past few months had not been sound. She had dreams, and the dreams bothered her immensely.

There was this one involving President Aria, leopard print, and Michael Bolton.

Akari gave a sigh and snaked out another pencil line in the Autocad 2150 blueprint of the city.

Only Akari would be able to get away with that in 2304.

Maybe she would take the intersection at the heart of city and then take a detour into the watch tower.

See, she's got one of those new land-gondolas.

But then she would miss the baked potato man-

He always ducked. But luckily, Akari doesn't try rowing the sky anymore.

he always gave out freebies whenever her gondola neared- call it a perk of the job

Even more broken than Commando Pro.

and an added bonus for her customers’ money.

Akari repeated the phrase to herself like a mantra, ‘Alicia’s gone, and there’s nothing you can do about it.’

Uhh...except...you know...contact her and say hi...you DID try to keep in touch, right?

It was supposed to give her a sense of closure, but closing up a one sided infatuation, no- love, was quite an impossible task for the pink haired beauty of nineteen.

Her Alicia would be twenty two by now,

Some other Alicia would be a different age.

happily married to a man Akari had never even seen before.

Neither have any of the viewers. Thanks a lot, Kozue Amano.

It wasn’t characteristic of her, but the normally good natured girl felt a seething anger in her stomach when she thought about said unknown man.

Supervillain Akari Mizunashi ruminates about her nemesis...UNKNOWN MAN!

‘How could he just whisk away my Alicia like that?

Akari: I had dibs!

She’s probably having a grand old time with him. She never even visits anymore....’

It was at that moment that Akari felt the ugly and utterly bitter sting of jealousy. It was an emotion rather alien to her, given that most of her life was led in a good natured and sweet environment

Sounds high-calorie.

free of relationship problems and Cloud strife.

‘Aika must be jaded though.’ Akari mused, trying to take her thoughts away from Alicia, ‘She’s had several boyfriends over the years after she dumped Al.’

Because YEAH, they were the PICTURE of an unstable relationship in the series...

Thinking of first kisses and confessions created a vicious knot in the pit of Akari’s soul.

She still hadn’t had her first confession, let alone her first




Putting down her pencil and burying her face in one hand,

Thanks, Akari. I'LL facepalm the bad yuri story, if you don't mind!

she contemplated the utter emptiness of her life and how, besides becoming a full fledged undine, she never had any romantic relationships.

It was fear.

She was afraid that Alicia might laugh at her confession and brush it off as another ‘senpai adoration’ phase.

Hah! You mean she stopped and is going through a second one?

The pain would have been unbearable if that were to happen.

But it didn’t happen.


And now the stifled mass of feelings festered away at the pit of her soul, threatening to hollow her out into an empty shell.

‘An empty shell with no love lost.’ Akari thought glumly as she pushed her coffee cup aside.

She thought of the first day she realized that she harboured feelings for other women. It was at the age of twelve, and she thought herself a pervert. This wasn’t to say that her parents were overbearing homophobes or anything-

They just hated gays.

they just harboured extremely high expectations for their only daughter.

Akari dug her finger nails into her palms and thought about that ridiculous fear that she would disappoint her parents by coming out of the closet.

On the other hand, she's collecting dust next to the old bass guitar and those shoes nobody's feet fit.

It was probably too late now, for her parents were divorced, and her dad was hiding out somewhere in the new underground colonies of Africa.

Which aren't a thing in Aria. At all.

...nerd-glasses on, people. You know, you'd think that if Mars/Aqua were all nice and happy, wouldn't Earth be, too? It'd kind of ruin the relaxing paradise mood of Aria for news to travel back from Earth/Manhome about some underground and crap still going on in Africa after 300 years...


She drew another course opposite her original plans.

She was gonna travel straight out to sea.

It still wouldn’t be too late to come out. Aika would no doubt berate her for keeping this crucial secret from her friends for four years.

Wouldn't that be so like her? "Secret-keeping isn't allowed!"

‘She will be disgusted with me. She’ll be afraid of me.’ Akari fidgeted with her pencil and found that the side of her palm was smeared with graphite.

‘And then Alicia will know and think I’m pathetic.’ Akari spat at herself.

She leaned straight back, hacked up a big loogie and...

The clock read eight o’ clock am. It would be a good hour and a half until Ai got up.

Apparently all that practicing at the asscrack of dawn Akari did in some of the episodes doesn't apply. Ai's just that good.

Akari felt tears well up in her eyes as she thought about what could have been.

Suppose she had confessed and Alicia had accepted.

What then?

Wacky hijinx?

Akari closed her eyes and daydreamed about nestling her head in Alicia’s soft and volumous blonde hair, while two perfectly shaped and delicate hands caressed her own. Akari remembered the smell of Alicia’s rose and vanilla perfume, surrounding the blonde in a delicate misty aura which partially constituted for her unconscious air of being the unattainable snow white princess of Aqua.

The Alicia in her mind smiled warmly and took Akari’s face.

Alicia Florence will now be played by Bayformers Optimus Prime.

No words needed to be spoken in the idealized fantasy, for they were standing on the beach of Neverland, bathed in the fiery orange glow of sunset.

The late Michael Jackson's estate having been painstakingly brought to Aqua brick by brick.

Akari felt a tear run down her cheek as she realized that the tender and soul searching kiss was not real. The perfect portrait of Alicia’s features shattered as she dropped her mechanical pencil on the floor with a high pitched clatter.

Wiping away the single tear from her cheek, Akari ignored the pencil and kept on day dreaming about what could have been.

She fell in love with the perfect blonde the first day they met, her being in the undine uniform perfectly tailored to show off her gently curving body and Akari being in a simple turquoise sundress, still panting and sweating from the exertion of running to Aria company all the way from spaceport.

Yeah, she was running in place a whole bunch in the mailman's gondola...

She had blushed a crimson red the next day when Alicia complemented her uniform at the breakfast table.

Akari, meanwhile, went totally unnoticed.

What an utter fool she made of herself! Thinking that Alicia had somehow noticed her infatuation.

‘That’s what scared me off.’ Akari deliberated, ‘I never really had the courage to confess after that moment.’

Her train of thoughts suddenly wandered over to Ai.

Flattening her.

She had blushed the same deep red when Akari unknowingly flashed her ‘the look’

over a typical Aria company gourmet breakfast.

‘Could it be possible that history is repeating itself?’ Akari felt a sick chill go up her spine, ‘I cannot allow the same thing to happen to Ai.....’

Akari: I have to withhold as much platonic affection and friendliness as possible!

But then again, maybe she was being paranoid.


Akari twirled her pink locks into a tight knot, ‘She probably already has loads of admirers at school already. She probably just has senpai adoration. That’s all.’ Akari felt the intense urge to stab her mechnical pencil into the hand, ‘How pathetic is this? I’m projecting myself onto Ai!’

It's expensive and crappy compared to using Photoshop!

Her black coffee was growing lukewarm. She sipped at it and deliberated that she did not like hazelnut roast. Akari rubbed her temples and discovered an lump.

Strange, she didn’t have pimples before.

They're those new, convenient drama pimples.

Perhaps all the stress was taking it’s toll on her complexion.

Looking at her face in the reflecting window,

The Aria company apparently too cheap to afford a mirror...

Akari suddenly realized that she had grown up quite a bit from her days as a naive and optimistic fifteen year old.

She was supposed to have become a wise, optimistic nineteen-year-old, but I digress...

What was once cute baby fat was now replaced by the exposure of a young woman’s delicate bone structure. Her eyes had grown wiser, and long gone was her thin pigtails of old. Framing her face were two thick locks of flowing pink hair, along with waist length hair at the back.

Yeah. Timeskip epilogue her.
...watch the series, people.

It was not experience that had jaded her but an emptiness. Akari already lost all her optimistic hopes and dreams and realized what an undine was really all about.

Doing the hokey-pokey and turning herself around?

There were bills to pay and customers that snubbed you. There were bigger and more intimidating companies constantly threatening to liquefy you,

What, in attempts to make an Undine Reaper?

and then there was the endless loads of paperwork, manual labour, and domestic chores.

You know, all the bullshit that would be too boring even for Aria.

And to think that she thought the job was romantic! Alicia was probably tired of the lifestyle, so in all her stately wisdom, she went on to pursue the ever more relaxing job of a researcher.

Yeah, because the Gondolier's Association needs to be at the cutting edge of SCIENCE!

Akari picked the insignificant little pimple and drank a little bit more of cold coffee, ‘If I were a man, I would have a five o’ clock shadow all day.’ Akari thought ruefully. In spite of her stressful job, she still managed to keep the image of a beautiful maiden sailing away on an arched gondola intact,

She framed it.

causing many an infatuated male fan to send her barrowfuls of fan mail.

Most of them went in the paper shredder.

Bills, bills, bills...hey! I may already be a winner!

She only responded to the ones she found particularly quirky or interesting, like the letter stating that she was the incarnation of a water siren.

And that one from the guy who wanted to wear her skin to feel what it was like.

There were also letters from female admirers, but Akari never answered those. To do so would be to insult the memory of Alicia.

`Look at me, I`m talking about her like she`s dead....’

Another voice appeared, ‘Or is it like you’re dead to her?’

Akari muttered, ‘Shut up.’ To the stupid little voice of blame and tried to concentrate on map.

"Not to be worry," said Garfield with voice of speaking, "my manly brains will concentrate on map with all of my power."
...nobody's gonna get that joke, are they...

Who really gave a toss anyways?

Oi! I give a bloody damn toss, ya wanka'!

She was almost done. The rest of Ai’s training course would be improvised.

She just needed a letter of the alphabet, a place where people would gather, and several song styles.

Perhaps she could give Ai a few pointers in backwards rowing.

A cheery, ‘ Good morning!’ sounded from the top of the stairs.

Ai bounded down along with President Aria, who was as corpulant as ever.

‘Pui NUI NUI!!’ In spite of his girth, President Aria bounded down four steps and scampered into Akari’s lap, eliciting a small tinkling laugh from the somber undine.

Followed by the shattering of her femurs from his great weight.

‘How’re you doing, President Aria? Ready for breakfastSOME FOOTBALL?’

‘PUI NUI!!’ The cat bounced up and down, stood on his hind legs, and pumped his arms up and down in a valiant attempt to cheer in a bipedal position.

Sorry Aria, you need to lose about two more layers of fat before you can actually do jumping jacks.

Akari’s heart lightened up as Ai padded over in her summer uniform, afraid to give her senpai a glance as she looked to the ground shyly.

‘It’s your favourite today Ai!’ Akari proclaimed brightly, ‘ Sausages and hashbrowns!’

Or, uhhh, she guesses it is. Go nuts, kid.

Ai muttered a small, ‘Thanks.’ As she sat down on the other end of the table.

Akari smiled inwardly as she caught sight of Ai fidgeted with her fingers. Her inability to pull herself together in Akari’s presence was quite endearing, and it made it all the better for Akari’s assumption that Ai had a crush on her. ( or was it the other way around?)

Sitting around at a table spread with painstakingly prepared food, (Akari now knew that food did not magically appear on the table)

...okay, I know Akari didn't precisely start as the sharpest knife in the drawer but that's just unfair.

the three chirped out their thanks for the olive oil seared breakfast and dug in.

Akari pushed the burdening thoughts of Alicia into the backburner with a considerable amount of difficulty. It was like moving a couch with a finger.

Maybe she should just use that super-pinky of hers.

‘So, Ai....’ Akari pushed her fork into a slice of french toast, ‘It’s time for your single test in two days! I think we should try a heavier course this time.’

She's gonna raise Ai's max another five kg.

Ai bit her lower lip and pouted, ‘Can’t we take a day off today, Akari senpai? We’ve already done the canal through the countryside yesterday!’

Ai, you dunno how this works. You are going to get into some misadventure with Akari and have touching slice-of-life episode material. AND YOU ARE GONNA LIKE IT!

‘I’ll let you practice backward rowing.’ Akari flashed Ai a radiant smile, ‘And since my customers cancelled today, I think we have enough time to do some free sight seeing around the city! How’s that sound!’

Don't do it, kiddo, first one's always free...

Ai quickly brightened up in simultaneous conjunction with the hopping of President Aria into her lap,

Followed by a barely-noticeable earthquake...

‘That would be perfect!’ she gushed, ‘The weather’s beautiful today too! President Aria can bring along his sandbox play set, right Aria shachou?’

Just throwing out the Japanese term for President Aria there, I see. Convinced this is legit. Totally.


Akari kept up her painful smile. It wasn’t really hard to keep up a radiant smile back in the old days, now it just felt like her facial muscles were cramping up with a vengeance.

Little did she know that her coffee had traces of Joker venom in it.

Setting down her fork demurely on the flowered china, Akari wiped her hands with the silken cloth on her lap and smiled once more, taking any remaining stamina her face once had with her into hell.

Where they all saw half the BLU team getting glued back together.

‘Get your gear then Ai! We’re leaving in ten minutes!’


Shoving her chair aside and leaving the dishes for another time and age, Ai bounded up the stairs like an enthusiastic puppy with President Aria trailing behind in a scrambling ball of corpulent panting fur.

Leaving a trail of small craters behind him.
...you know, he IS fat but this is overkill. We get it, fanfic.

Akari’s smile faded, and was replaced by a sombre look.

Alicia had invaded again, and this time,

She cut off communications and was crippling Akari's economy.

Akari’s thoughts were beckoning her to speculate about Alicia’s current life. Was she happy? Was her new man abusing her per chance? Was she truly happy?

‘I’m so pathetic, thinking that she gives a toss about her pathetic old apprentice....

YES, who cares about her pathetic single, solitary, only apprentice that she pinned all her hopes and dreams on? Her ONLY chance at a successor for Aria Company?

of course she’s truly happy! Did I think she would be happy without me?’ Akari recalled the last day she saw Alicia Florence as the Snow White of Aqua.

How could anybody forget that? You'd think she blew up the Death Star if you saw that last episode.

The sunset had cast an orange luminescence over Alicia’s golden hair, creating shimmering patterns of rippling waves that bounced around playfully every time her oar hit the water.

Akari had held back her tears that day. She had decided she would be strong for her senpai- besides, she already wept in her arms the day before.

She enforces strict tear rations.

There was no point in evoking another tear fest from the already wet eyed audience. She remembered the numbed feeling at the back of her skull and the fuzziness on her tongue as the snot threatened to sneak out of her nostrils.

No matter how much she told it that it had so much to live for.

It was quite a feat, holding back a bawling session brought on by reasons too complex to explain.

Aside from pretty much being her older sister.

Akari recalled the utter stew of confusing images running through her head as Alicia made her final bow towards her city.

Encore! Encore! Woohoo!

Alicia’s smile, her voice, her lilting ‘my my’s’.

The warm and reassuring feel of her slight hands.

The heat emanating from her body on that cuddling session they had at Neverland.

JESUS, Akari's spinning all this stuff in the series in some kind of creepy ways.

Akari almost bit off her tongue in surprise as Ai’s pattering steps turned into ungainly clomps down the stairs,

Followed by a TREMENDOUS crash.

‘I’m ready!’

‘Pui nui!!’

Akari thought over that encounter on Neverland and wondered if it was actually possible that Alicia detected some of her hidden feelings in that seemingly platonic sisterly embrace.

Or if she could use some professional help.

‘Hurry up slowpoke! We’re on the gondola already!’

Hurry, Ai, ditch her! She's losing it! Run and get out while you still can!

Akari let the faintest trace of a smile creep back into the corner of her mouth as she got up from her chair.

‘I’ll be there Ai.’

DAMMIT, kid!


This is chapter one of just two: like many other fics I chase this one was long discontinued. I hate tracking dead stories but hey, when it comes to things I'm actually knowledgeable about, I'll take what I can get.

Riffings On Hold:
Twisted Metal: Anime Ambush

Ongoing Riffings:
Child Seed
DID WARS Supplementary Material
The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle

Completed Riffings:
Bad Memories
Nameless Planetarian Lemon
Little Bakery Of Horrors
Concrete And Wolf
Star Destroyers Rampant

"The SDR-5V Spider introduces the Inner Sphere to the future of battlefield fleeing. Blasts, barrages, or bombardments; when running isn't good enough, be good enough to Run Big."
~Zack Parsons of SomethingAwful, Dorkiest Mechs of 3025
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Post #2

I Accidentally The Planetarium

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post Apr 2 2012, 12:25 PM
So, the second half of this story is where all the weird stuff sort of comes to a head. It's my own opinion that the idea was to try to set up a yuri story and put some obstacles in the way of the love between the two girls but this feels especially forced when your story is in a setting as laid-back as Aria. This is where all that S&M misappropriation comes in and I wonder why the author didn't just write his own shoujo-ai original fiction if he was going to alter Aria and the implications about the series at the timeskip epilogue so extensively.

As it turns out psycho888999 is a breakdancer, martial artist, and overall is doing a ton of stuff with his time and while he admits his stories are rife with cracky, black/dead baby/warped humor, I'm sorry, that doesn't excuse this thing from reading like a Stephanie Meyer/Selzerberg team-up. I know that sounds snobbish of me, but there has to be a point where you should just go "if it ain't broke, don't fix it" with a setting if you're going to have anyone give you the time of day.


Alicia was happily married for the time being. It was a strange and rushed marriage made by her old fashioned crotchety parents

Yeah, they're just SO 22nd century, it's embarrassing.

who had nothing better to do than monger for money from the pockets of rich suitors. Still, they didn’t exactly choose a bad suitor for her either- his name was Charlie Smithson, and he descended from a long line of gondolier sellers.

So he sells gondoliers? Jesus, they handed her to a human trafficker! Run, Alicia!

What more of a perfect match could be made?

I could think of a few better than a goddamn slaver!

A gondolier with a gondola maker.

...oh. Gondolas, not gondoliers.
Don't SCARE me like that, fanfic!

He would make the gondolas and she would row them- how quaint was that?

It wasn’t all that quaint. It would have been quaint if Alicia were still an undine, but now she primarily spent her days flipping through piles upon piles of research books and papers, trying to determine the location and severity of the next solar storm, the recent mutations in the marine life,

Like the Mega-Shark and the Giant Octopus...

and the whopping increase in blue whales due to a fruitful mating season.

Because being a career Undine from her early teens to young adulthood is a great introduction to marine biology and...uhh...heliophysics.
...yeah, I'm sure they involve rowing and guiding tours too.

She was a geologist/ marine biologist now, more or less, and it was boring as heck.

Then why did she quit that prestigious job she got with the Gondoliers' Association at the end of the series?
...unless they're afraid blue whales are swimming into the canals...

She had expected the job to include going on expeditions and drawing whale feces,

How hard is it to draw whale shit? Just get some tubes of brown paint and squirt them onto some paper and...

but no. That was the manual side of the industry.

She was in the AUTOMATIC side.

They claimed that she was too intelligent for that sort of thing.

Charlie, on the other hand, was well suited for an office job. He was dry, humourless, and an overall bore. He would make the occasional stab at a joke but it would come out quite hackneyed and awkward, eliciting a forced laugh from anyone in the vicinity.

Write what you know, I guess.

He was the head honcho, the big cheese. He was the CEO of the gondolier company, and right then their biggest buyer was Himeya, who doled out endless amounts of money to replace the gondolas that were being abused by the new trainees.

Little-known fact: Himeya is run by Pete Townshend.

Perhaps Charlie thought Alicia was boring too, mostly because of her calm and soft spoken demeanour. During dinner time, he would prattle away about his newest sales, the state of the economy and some drivel about pie graphs and the stock market on Aqua. Alicia would nod in all the right places and ‘hm’ in all the correct spots.

All the while wondering why a man who could now get laid scot-free acted like he still desperately needed to.

She dared not correct the man, for she felt a sort of explainable uneasiness around the man. Though he was only 25, he acted like a worldly old geezer of seventy and possessed the same lechery that was stereotyped all over the elderly male age demographic.

If your only survey subject was Master Roshi.

She was cleaning up his room one day when she found a slew of bondage magazines stashed away in the back of his closet.

She immediately wondered why all the pictures within were of men.

It was kinky stuff- those glossy magazines newly ripped out of the plastic covering- to sum up the whole shenanigan, it was an eyeful of whips, leather, begging, Halloween looking costumes ,and a bit of blood.

Well I guess it's the Halloween issue...

After that incident, Alicia never looked at her dull husband the same way again. She now harboured the fear that he might have some of those ‘kinky toys from Manhome’ hidden under the floorboards,

Right next to the vulture-eyed man's heart and Spongebob's squeaky boots.

all ready and oiled up to whip her unwilling body with.

Because, yeah, asking the man you married about these intimate issues only you and he should really be dealing with anyway is a load of hooey.

She now shuddered a little bit. Just a little bit mind you, whenever Charlie even gave her as much as a smile. They had already consummated their marriage the night after the ceremony, and that was when the strange vibes began.

When they made Alicia the NVH engineer was out sick.

He was extremely rough in his lovemaking. Almost to the point of being brutal- favouring hickeys, the occasional body check, and....

...the odd German suplex.

‘I could have sworn he slapped me once or twice during that.’

Alicia deliberated as she closed a book containing the statistics of blue whale mating, ‘I had some bloody lips after that, but I think that’s dryness.’ Alice rubbed her neck and remembered the red and sore bite marks that checkered the area,

If she's been sired by a Cullen, I'm out of here.

‘I faked my orgasm that night too.’ Alicia thought furtively. It was funny how she did not get turned on even once in the whole affair. She basically turned into a mannequin for him to fuck, which he didn’t really seem to mind.

Ol' Chuck's getting all nostalgic for his RealDoll, I see.

Perhaps he was closet domination fetishist? Alicia shivered at the thought. Those thin brows and slightly beady eyes would be distorted and scrunched up together in a cubist parody if he were to give into one of his fantasies.

The fiend! He's gonna turn into Picasso's Guernica!

He would tie her to the bed and scream in a face that was tomato red, ‘CALL ME MASTER!!’

Oh, I get it, this is Link from Sailor Moon Legend Of Zelda!

If it were a manga, Alicia would have had a huge sweat drop going down her head, but unfortunately....

Ohh, yeah, haven't heard THAT one before.

‘This is NOT a manga. Real life does not work like fairy tales or slice of life stories.’

Alice winced a little bit when she saw the immense amount of research she would have to do for the next day. She would have to attend a conference on the unstable nature of the floating islands.

Third time this month those damn things tipped over!

(Sonic Islands, she liked to call them.

In addition to being weather control stations, they're slush and tater tot repositories.

That ancient franchise was a huge part of her childhood.)

Sadly, the only game to survive the passing centuries was Sonic 2006.

and then present her theories on the gravitation distortion the weather stabilizers were wreaking on the tectonic plates.

Which even a terraformed Mars wouldn't have unless you made its very core like Earth's.

So far, she had come up with the following main thesis: It was like the after math of a facial reconstruction and shoving your face near a high powered magnet.

That would mean something if your face was made of steel.

It just didn’t work. To her utter dismay, her research dug out the cruel and undeniable fact that if Mars were to keep up the Terraformed state for another hundred or so years, the core would de-stabilize and Kaboom.

Kaboom would come out of the core and clean everything.

That meant that the planet would have to be dried up, cleaned up, and be left behind.

And so humanity would have to move on to terrforming Jupiter.

‘I guess mother nature wins in the end.’ Alicia thought ruefully, ‘Mankind will just never learn to leave their surroundings alone....’

Lemme guess, this could have all been avoided if we started driving hybrids earlier.

...actually, I'd like to take a moment to talk about this information we just got.

There's no solid proof you could say this would happen in Aria since all the stuff surrounding the terraforming process was not only really stable but incredibly nebulous and kind of Star Trek-technobabble-y at best and outright space magic at worst, but even if this were the case, GEEZ, that's something major to gloss over in favor of an overblown yuri story, isn't it? The planet is now a ticking time bomb, and this ISN'T the story you choose to chronicle?

I can't get over that! Imagine if this were the actual case in Aria. You wouldn't be able to relax even at the most heartwarming parts of the series, would you? Don't just throw out details like that, especially if they point to a story better than the one you're already telling!

Her thoughts shifted back to the pink haired apprentice she left behind, and the thoughts were unsettling.

You're also in Neo-Venezia, lady. On Mars. Visit her, you dolt!

She tried to deny it, but it was quite clear.

She was in love with Akari, and she had thrown all that away for a higher position in society.

Because, yeah, I know just what a glory hog Alicia is.
...you know, I can't even call this lady Alicia anymore. I'm taking a page from Linkara's playbook and calling her "Braided Idiot" for the rest of this fic.

‘Don’t forget my parents disowning me if I disobeyed their wishes.’ AliciaBraided Idiot thought sadly as she pictured Akari madly scribbling down her gondola passages over an immense blueprint.

She probably forgot all about her now, since all of her attention was mostly focused on training Ai and the other daily burdens of being an undine.

AliciaBraided Idiot gave a deep and melancholy sigh. She was rather disgusted with herself, choosing a high seat in life rather than staying with the love of her life.

She mentally slapped herself again and again for choosing such a mundane and (potentially) perverted husband

Potentially?! You just thought he was going to basically perform marital rape on you earlier, you moistened bint!

who never really shaved and masked up his body odour with excessive amounts of cologne over lovely and graceful Akari.

AliciaBraided Idiot had been over to Aria company several times during the year, and she witnessed a woman standing in the place of her once ungainly and nervous student.

Not AKARI, of course, but...

The visits had been brief, pleasant, and almost detached in a way, since there was not much to talk about besides business and other superficial matters.

Yeah, like the discovery that the planet might go up like either Death Star. REAL superficial.

Not one of them dared touch on the subject of their separation, for fear that it would open up new and exotic wounds.

Geez, when did I drop my Aria fanfiction and pick up a Harlequin romance novel?

‘I could have sworn I saw some pain in her eyes. I know....’ AliciaBraided Idiot thought desperately, ‘Could it be that she misses me in THAT way?’

AliciaBraided Idiot’s thoughts then turned to the things that her husband would do if he found that they were eloping outside of his stuffy little world full of suits and formal papers.

Take pictures?

He would probably give that scrunched up paper bag look with two non-existent eyebrows pointing downwards at an unhealthy angle.

If they're non-existent they CAN'T POINT ANYWHERE!

He would also probably beat the living shit out of her and then use his reputation to destroy Aria company.

Okay, you know what? I need to put my foot down here. If you want this sort of hackneyed, rushed, annoying, cliche relationship dreck, watch a third-rate soap or telenovela. Or a SyFy original movie if you have to have something with poorly-written relationship stories and the whole "exploding planet" side-plot.

No. She couldn’t risk it. Too much was at stake. What if Akari laughed at her confession?

Then she wouldn't really be Akari, now would she?

What if she was imagining Akari’s subtle affections the whole time?

AliciaBraided Idiot’s stomach gave a sick lurch as thought of her husband with a bullwhip invaded once again,

It's Indiana Jerk!

‘This isn’t the life I wanted.’ She thought desperately,

...well at least this is serving me up some easy jabs...

‘The life I wanted was to snuggle up with Akari every night and live together in marital bliss. What was I thinking!?’ Biting the insides of her cheek in anger, she lamented the way she had complacently brushed away her lesbianism through the years she was with Akari.

...question. Why would homosexuality still be so taboo a good 300 years from now? What, will our descendants really not be that much more enlightened than us ourselves? This thing is making me weep for humanity in a different way than most bad fanfiction.

She had denied it until the very last moment, and when she accepted it-

‘I accepted it when I found myself in Charlie’s bed-

Guile was glad he finally scored.

bruised and battered from the wrong choice that I made.’

THEN LEAVE HIM! Snobbish as your parents are, Idiot, I think they won't object to you leaving if he's beating you and won't stop even if you protest!

The gondola society would probably piss their pants at the notion that she was going into the undine business again, since they already mounted a huge monumental tribute to her in the form of a barely clothed golden statue in the middle of the gondola society foyer.


Then again, it would be quite impossible for her to suddenly reappear at Aria company. The papers were signed and the names were written in stone. There was no turning back from her stupid STUPID choice.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, so she can't just quit her job, file for a divorce and come back? This should be easy, this story should be pretty short! No wonder the author's trying to cram all of this into one chapter...

AliciaBraided Idiot took off her glasses and looked at her watch. Charlie would be back around 9 pm. He said something about a mass deal of gondolas being shipped from earth. Michigan of all places.

Kind of worrying that they were all made by OCP, but hey...

Nobody really made cars anymore if they valued their lives.

They flooded Manhome just to be sure.

It was three in the afternoon. There was six hours to kill.

And she only had five bullets. *explosion*

Enough time for her to go over to Aria company and talk to Akari.....

Aabout what?’

Oh, the weather, what she's been up to lately, that extra A at the beginning of that sentence-AND THE MARITAL ABUSE AND EXPLODING PLANET.

‘Why....about you true feelings of course.’ The sly devil AliciaBraided Idiot hissed, ‘Why don’t you hurry a little?

Anything getting you and me out the door faster, lady!

The clock’s ticking. I don’t think your husband’s going to get another meeting anytime soon.’

Not after his company folded, anyway. Man, you'd better be real nice to him when you get home-oh wait...

AliciaBraided Idiot had been married to Charlie for three years, and to say that there wasn’t much warmth between them was an understatement.

‘More like a day in Antarctica with a popsicle pressed to your cheek.’ Sly devil AliciaBraided Idiot (I'm a man of my word, I'm replacing every mention) hissed once again,

Baring her fangs and spreading her hood.

‘Aren’t you tired of living this life? Don’t you want to get your true feelings into the open?’

Timid AliciaBraided Idiot moaned and groaned about how ‘if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’

‘I know, but can you STAND not breaking an obnoxious looking vase? I know you want to.’

She must be looking for Moogle Points.

The poor blonde’s palms were sweating profusely now. Just how did this come out of the blue? A desire to waltz over to her former student’s house and announce an earth shattering love confession on a random week in the summer wasn’t really the smartest thinking.

Yeah, she has to wait until it's closer to Explodey Planet Time.

What would the repercussions be?

AliciaBraided Idiot clenched her fists and gritted her teeth. She was tired of hiding her sexual orientation from Akari, her parents, and the whole world. She would call her hoity toity mom right after she marched out of Aria Company and make her smell the roses. Afterwards, she would divorce the creepy bastard known as ‘thin-brow Charlie’. It would all work out eventually.

Of course it's going to work out! What're her parents and Charlie going to do, send hitmen after her?

‘But of course, nothing ever goes according to plan.’ AliciaBraided Idiot thought about the simulated feeling of intense G-force pressing on her insides if her husband were to come back from work early and found her missing. Yup. The baseball bat and the bullwhip would surely come after.

‘You betcha he’s going to thrash you into a pulp!’ Timid Alicia squeaked, ‘He’s going to break all the bones in your body-

Even her malleus, coccyx and right clavicle!

‘Shut up.’ AliciaBraided Idiot said aloud to herself. She found herself getting her purse and all dolled up to go over to Akari’s place. Had Sly Devil AliciaBraided Idiot been controlling her the whole time her inner dialogue was going on?

Or was her paranoia about her husband's hidden kinks and rough lovemaking causing her to descend into multiple personality disorder?

Her lipstick was on, her eye shadow was immaculately applied.

‘It’s destiny. That’s what it is.’ She thought, ‘ Destiny, pure and simple. I was fated to be with Akari, and through my own piggish decisions, I threw it all away.’ Unbeknownst to herself, she was crying a little. Several tear droplets slid lazily down her cheek before she wiped them away in surprise,

AliciaBraided Idiot: WHOA! I can CRY! I didn't know I could do that!

‘Don’t want to get your mascara smeared before this first step out the door, would you?’ Sly Devil AliciaBraided Idiot said smarmily.

‘I’ll do it then. I must be out of my mind, but I’ll fucking DO IT.’ With two tentative steps, she took one last look at the Victorian styled austere mansion and exhaled deeply, ‘I must be out of my mind.’

Must be, huh?

The broken phonograph in her mind played again and again as she numbly headed towards the canal that led to Aria Company.


This was never updated in what must be years now. Far as I'm concerned, it's dead and it's another bite-sized riff under my belt. Ugh, what a headache. If this story was trying to be romantic, it failed. If it was trying to be science-fiction, it failed and created a plot detail that is impossible to ignore and is never brought up again in the chapter, and since the story never progressed past two chapters, is never resolved. And if it was trying to be cute and referential, it was a failure.

This guy does more fics under the banner of "cartoonpsycho888999." I get the feeling I'll show you all more of him someday.

Riffings On Hold:
Twisted Metal: Anime Ambush

Ongoing Riffings:
Child Seed
DID WARS Supplementary Material
The Experiments of Twilight Sparkle

Completed Riffings:
Bad Memories
Nameless Planetarian Lemon
Little Bakery Of Horrors
Concrete And Wolf
Star Destroyers Rampant

"The SDR-5V Spider introduces the Inner Sphere to the future of battlefield fleeing. Blasts, barrages, or bombardments; when running isn't good enough, be good enough to Run Big."
~Zack Parsons of SomethingAwful, Dorkiest Mechs of 3025
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 22nd August 2017 - 04:57 AM