Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

 
Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Homestuck High, Who are YOU going to the spring fling with?
Post #1
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 21 2012, 01:45 PM
(Ho-lee sheyit, you guys. I don’t have much else to say about this besides that I hope to god that this is just a trollfic, because oh my God this was painful. Mock in patron troll teal, abomination in white.)

hi guys this is my first fanfic

(Oh, fucking hell.)

i RLY hope u all enjoy it

(Oh, I’m sure. I’ll enjoy mocking it. Oh, but that means I have to read it. Damn.)

im riting it on notpad

(Notpad? Is that the word processor for badfic writers?)

but mi frend beta red it 4 me! HEHE HOMESTUCK FOREVER!

(GET OUT OF MY FANDOM, NOW.)

The spring fling was next week and John didn't have a date.

(Holy shit, we just jumped right into the goddamn plot here.)

He realy liked Rose however. He had liked her sence second grade when she bit his arm and broke his glasses and made him cry.

(Good God, I can barely keep up with the plot, gotta catch my breath…This is going to be a really deep and involved plot, I can tell.)

He took his books out of his locker and seen Rose walking towards him. He got REALY nervous and began to sweat.

(Channeling Equius, I see.)

"Hi rose" he said blankly

(Hi, out of character John.)

"What do you want loser" she replied coldly

(HI, OUT OF CHARCTER ROSE.)

"I wanted to know if you wanted to go to the dance with me?" John said

(I wanted to know if the author has a third grade education. I’m guessing no.)

"Ok" Rose said "But if someone hotter than you asks me then im gonna go with them"

(Yeah, I can see how John likes her. She’s so likable.)

"Thats ok" John said

(Wow, that was a really interesting conversation. You feel like you’re actually reading Homestuck! That is, Homestuck minus anything that makes it good.)

Just then the schools goth kid Gamzee came up to talk to them.

(……Imma let that sink in for a minute. Alright, now that those words have all sunk up in your thinkpan, let’s take a look at that sentence again. Yep, that said what I think it said, so now I will comment on it: WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK YOU FUCKING SHITSTAIN ON THE UNDERWEAR OF HUMANITY, YOU…God, I think I just had a stroke. What is it with fangirls taking Gamzee, one of the less attractive trolls, imo, and making him into…that?)

"Hey rose" Gamzee seed "I like totally love your hair, wed look amazing together at the spring flarp next week.

(They have school-sponsored Alternian larping sessions? What the fack.)

YoU should go with me."

(Oh, look he used his typing quirk he’s so in character, lawl)

"I just asked her you goth freak" John proclamed loudly!

(jon u fukin prep gamze is better den u and u ned to shut up cuz u just jeelus o gam)

"Well your no god for rose.

(I’m not sure if that’s irony or not.)

Rose is a beauty like no other rose could compare.

(I see Gamzee has retained his lyrical mastery of the spoken word.)

I deserve to go with her more than yu do!"

"OMG u guys" Rose describbed looking from John to Hamzee

(Gamzee, you druggie pig. Also, SHOUTING THE LETTERS.)

"Why don't u both take me to the spring fling next week? We could be a threesome"

(Sounds legit.)

"Ok" John and Gamzee agreed in unicons.

(I read that as unicorns, God help me I read that as unicorns. And this whole thing became funny for a second. O, but my laughter was bitter. So bitter.)

On the weekend Rose went shopping with Jade and Ferrari to pick a dress.

(Oh, sweet fuck is the author talking about FEFERI? Did they ride her to the mall or something?)

They got ready together at jades house. Rose was wearing a mini length lether tight dress which came up to her knees like one of those pencil skrits and it hugged her small frame tightly. It had no straps and it was held up by her boobies.

(Seriously, is this author in third grade?)

It was bright green and it showed of her clevers.

(Clevers? Did she mispell 'clovers'? BECAUSE IT WAS GREEN? Is she celebrating st. patrick's?)

She bought knee high leather black boots that had riddles in them and were for inches high off the ground with a pointy toe. She wore her hair up in a kinda messy bun with her bangs just bellow her eyebros.

(eyeBROS.)

She was wearing thick black eyeliner and bright red lipstick. She was also wearing a fake tan.

(The fucking what. Also, this entire paragraph: WHO GIVES A FUCK.)

"OMG u look so hot rose I would totally wanna sex you"

(What the hell, I thought ‘forbiden fruit’ was the only fic that used the word ‘sex’ as a verb.)

Jade said as she smacked Rose's ass.

(Gurl u sure u strait. Friends do NOT do that.)

"you look hot too Jade, I bet Dave will want to sex you to" Rose described

(Described what? The nature of badfic, what sexing is, why this is a demonstration of how to drive the reader insane with poor quality? Because that's what it's doing to ME.)

"Do u think so?" she blushed "Im a virgin though"

(I can’t.…what the fuck?)

"Don't worry he likes virgins"

(What the fuuuuuuuuck???????? Does he just go sex a virgin, then go find more virgins? He’d go through girls pretty quickly like that. Also, why like virgins? Why not like, y’know, people who know what they’re doing?)

Ferrari said "Vriska told me"

(I will 8reak this author’s skull. Why is the car talking? Did Feferi ever talk to Vriska in the series? EVER?)

"OMG Vriskas slept with Dave!" Jade ejaculated

(She just came because she knew Vriska slept with Dave? Also, VRISKA slept with DAVE? Dude there’s no way she’s a virgin, Goddamn.)

"Yea, but he didn't like it because she wasn't a virgin" Ferrari conjured

(Called it. And why didn't he like it? Was she better than him at sex, was she terrible? Because you can’t just say “oh she was a virgin and so I hated it
Because she wasn’t a virgin.” Makes no sense. Also, Feferi-Ferrari, you’re a car, stop talking.)


"Oh ok" Jade countered

(‘Countered’? Is that what constitutes as a witty remark?)

They all went to the party and everyone was there.

(holy shit that’s so awesome. Wow I’m so invested in this story, I hope they all have fun.)

Everyone danced with one another

(It’s a PG orgy! Ugh.)

and the lights were flickering between all different colours.

(Having colors in this fic is an insult to colors, author.)

All the differnt clicks were dancing together and it was realy good.

(Were they smockin dope, too? Bald drugs, maybe? Also, clicks? CLIQUES? Oh, of course. The cliques were dancing amongst themselves! As it should be.)

Dave ended up taking Jade early and Roze gave her a wink but Vriska was jealousy. She want Dave for herself and didnt like them together.

(Sorry, you’d have to become a virgin if you ever want a chance with ‘your first chance is your last chance’ Dave Strider.)

"Rose" John said seriously "I think im in love with you"

"OMG John" Rose declaration "I think im in lust with you too"

(pffftBAHAHAHAHA, what a perfect Freudian slip! Everyone in this story is a sex crazed horndog so far, what the hell. Puberty=everyone wanting to have sex with virgins.)

"yay" they both said

(That’s what I said when my first boyfriend confessed. “yay”, in an average, unspecial tone.)

"OMG you guys karkat just killed himself" Gamzee proclimbed

(I just choked on my drink. There is water all over my fucking screen. Karkat….killed himself, and Gamzee is now a professional climber. Holy shit, what an ending to the first chapter.)

hehe a cliffhanger i hop u enjoyed it

(H3H3H3, NO. FUCK1NG NO. N3V3R.)

plz review

(Aw, look, she thinks she’s going to get reviews.)


Fuck my life for ever liking this series. Ugh, this one is going to be painful.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #2
Projectkulu


Seal Time
****

Group: Members
Posts: 224
Joined: 7-November 10
Member No.: 403
Gender: Male



post Mar 21 2012, 06:28 PM
This is one of the most obvious trollfics I have ever read, even more obvious than "The best fanfic ever I swear you wont be disapoint".

Why do fangirls obsess over a clown/psychopathic murderer/necrophiliac anyway?

This post has been edited by Projectkulu: Mar 21 2012, 06:36 PM


--------------------
I never finish anything.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #3
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 21 2012, 07:08 PM
I had this one pegged for a trollfic after the first chapter.
An obvious troll is the worst at their job. It's why fics like My Immortal are so much more funny.
Because nobody has any idea if it's a trollfic or not.

But this obvious troll was perhaps a bit too obvious.

Also, yeah, I have no idea why fangirls fixate on Gamzee.
Dude does drugs, probably hasn't showered in days, so he smells bad, kills people when off drugs, and is then romantic with their corpses.
Hot? Ehhhh, according to the fangirls.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #4
Projectkulu


Seal Time
****

Group: Members
Posts: 224
Joined: 7-November 10
Member No.: 403
Gender: Male



post Mar 21 2012, 07:18 PM
I read the entire fanfic and let me say that it somehow manages to get a lot dumber.


--------------------
I never finish anything.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #5
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 21 2012, 07:42 PM
I know, I don't know how any legitimate author thought this was good enough to publish.
Even among trollfics this thing is terrible.
That, I think, is just as bad as a non-trollfic. Worse, in some respects.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #6
Agnitio Ex Machina


going places
*********

Group: Members
Posts: 3,043
Joined: 7-March 12
From: Californication
Member No.: 620
Gender: Male



post Mar 21 2012, 08:56 PM
Maybe I should try a Homestuck spork without even knowing what the fuck Homestuck is, since all I hear from the sporkers is regret when they do something for Homestuck. All I know is that it's a webcomic.

This post has been edited by Agnitio Ex Machina: Mar 21 2012, 08:56 PM


--------------------

QUOTE (Al_Cone)
I don't think you thought this one through, Machinavelli.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #7
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 22 2012, 03:23 AM
Honestly, you could probably pull that off. Most fans of the series don't even understand the plot. They just read for the characters.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #8
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 22 2012, 02:57 PM
This is totally a trollfic. Now, if it was that easy to see that is was a trollfic, it is a bad trollfic.
And bad trollfics are just as awful as regular badfics. Just because you call a fic a trollfic, it does not justify the cringe-inducing strings of words. Stay classy, Homestuck fandom.


hi guys this is chapter 2. i finished chapter 1 a while back b4 my other beta reder got busy wit school since she didnt start then

(So she had an uneducated beta reader. This explains so much.)

so now my otherfriend said shedbeta it insted.

(I dunno, shedbetaing is pretty advanced. Think you can handle it, troll-author?)

ITS A LOT BETTER NOW THNK U SO MUUUUUCH CAROLYN UR A BETTER EDITER THAN JANE.

(FUCK YOU JANE.)

Everyone went to teh hospitl to see Karkat. He was in a comma.

(No, he died. He killed himself. I’m pretty sure he killed himself. Also, ‘comma’?)

Everyone was crying,

(Is it that comma? That one right there? Is that where Karkat is?)

even Dave was crying a little bit because he and Karkat were best frends.

(Yep, Dave gives Karkat his left over de-virginized women. Karkat enjoys this because he can feed off of their emotional weakness. Unless stated otherwise, this is what happens. This is why they are best friends.)

They did lots of things together

(like….share virgins? ‘practice’ with each other…?)

(AN: no gay stuff tho! thats gross!)

(Oh, thanks for clarifying, if this turned into a slashfest I’d have to actually be mad at the fic. Hahaahahaha, lucky me.)

and so he was upset Karkat would try and do this to himself.

(Well, you always got first pick of those virgins, Dave. Gotta share with your bro.)

"Is he gonna be allright" John inquisisted the doctor

(Author, are you making up words?)

"If it wasnt for you kids he wouldnt be" the doctor said

(….What did they do, exactly? Dave was having sex with Jade while Vriska watched, John was confessing to Rose, Gamzee was busy being not!Gamzee, Rose was being a bitch, and I think Feferi became a car. How does any of this shit help Karkat, who had committed suicide?)

"So is he going to be okay?" Dave weeped

(Dave was too busy trying to be out of character to actually hear the doctor say he would be okay.)

"He will suffer amnesiea and may never walk again" the doctor solemnly said.

(…..What suicide method was Karkat using? I mean, is there something wrong with the old noose, knife, or gun? He had to try and…well, running himself over seems like the most logical answer, but then he would have had to have someone be driving the car, right? Ugh, I can’t try to apply logic to this.)

"NO!" Dave escalated loudly

(This cannot be the same Dave Strider that appears in the Homestuck webcomic. There’s just no way. Beta timeline Dave? Who gives a shit?)

John and Rose were waiting outside. Rose was very upset. She dated Karkat when she was younger and she lost her virginity to him.

(Seiously, author, I still can’t tell if this a trollfic, you’re trying so hard to make it a trollfic. Is it a trollfic of trollfic? Augh, we reached a new level of parody.)

He was her first love and she never really gog over him.

(Obviously, which is why she never actually tried to get him back, and date the ugliest character in the damn series.)

"I cant believe he would do this hes so emo" Rose moaned

(Is this a concrete indication of trollfic? I feel that it is.)

"I am sorry!" John proclaimed

(Why? What did you do, John? ….Were you driving the hypothetical car that ran over Karkat?)

"John" Rose said seductivley "Can u take my mind off it"

(“Haha, yeah, I can! Let’s go read Ghostbuster fanfiction!”)

John gulped. He knew what Rose wanted, a double McRib from McDonald’s, but he wasnt sure if he was ready for it yet.

Rose was a sex goddess

(What. How many guys had she had sex with over her high school career besides Karkat? Damn, Rose is a professional slut in this one.)

and he was a geek who never got less than 100 perfect in any lessons.

(Were all his classes like, Nic Cage trivia classes? That’s the only way he would have gotten hundreds on everything.)

But he had no scores in the sex department.

(Wa, wa, wa, waaaaa. No, I refuse to put up a ‘forever alone’ pic. Let that meme die.)

"Rose" John pronounced "I do not think now is the right time!"

(“Gimme like ten minutes, then we’ll talk.”)

"U want to wait?" Rose raised her eyebbrow

"I want are first time to be specil" John announced

(She’s already had her cherry popped, guy. It’s gonna be mad awks inapropro all over the place.)

"Ok" Rose said moodily

(“God, I really should just go talk to Dave, he’d put out.”)

Five days later Karkat woke up from his coma and everyone came to pick him up. Dave was very happy his friend was awake and brought along cheetos and pepsi to celebrate. The girls had been to thhe beach and so they were in their bikinis. Rose was wearing a lethar tight string thang bikini which showed of her private areas while Jade wore a black lacey one with a 'D' over her left boob becase she loved Dave.

(Author, you aren’t trying hard enough to make me realize this is a trollfic, add more descriptions of their clothing.)

"He is suffering with severe head tramaur" the doctor said shakily "he does not remember his name!"

Everyone gasped.

(Has anyone ever actually been in a situation when everyone had the exact same reaction to something simultaneously?)

"No! Karkat!" Dave discharged

(That’s another way to say ‘came’, right?)

"Who is Karkat my name is Tarvos" Karkat said questioninly

(y tho)

"He can no longer walk either he must go in a wheelchair" said doctor We do not know if he will recover

"How could this happen" Gamzee shot "All he want was to be normal"

(Okay, author, whatever you say.)

They all left the hospital and Karkat was rolling himself in hydrochloric acid happily while everyone was crying they had lost one of their best freinds and school would no longer be the same how were they supposed to hang around with him now he was in awheelchar.

(What, did they never teach you people how to hang with the token kid in a wheelchair at school? What, every school has one.)

To lighten the mood they decided to go to mcdonnalds and so they all went there and ordered burgers and chips and chicken nuggest for everyone to eat except for vriska who ate the napkins instead.

(The napkins were by far the most nutritious thing eaten that night.)

"Golly I REALLY like these chicken nuggets" Karkat happily said

(Are you sure you wouldn’t want a nice, healthy napkin instead?)

"Karkat..." Dave began "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM."

(Actually, I don’t think anyone knows who you are, fanfic!Dave.)

"My name is Tarvos! Not Karkat!" Karkat exclamated. He smashed the chicken nugget down on the table and squished it like a bug as he looked at the floor. He was ANGRY.

(Who are you, person who is speaking? Really, who the hell are you.)

Gamzee sighed "I guess we shall call him Tarvos"

"YAY" Karkat, now Tarvos sang explendidly.

(Author, now you aren’t trying hard enough to write a trollfic.)

"These napkins taste like piss" Vriska snooted as she gobbled one up.

(it's HEALTHFUL piss, missy!)

"I used that one to wipe myself after I peed..." Jade whimpered.

(So, what, she just peed in the middle of a McDonald’s? Seems legit.)

"Ok" Vriska said, munching away.

"When did you go to pee" Rose asked curiously

"Like two seconds ago. You can still see it on the floor."

Jade looked down at the floor while fiddling with his black lace panties

(Whose panties is she fiddling with now?)

"When you all weren't looking...I..I needed to take a pregnancy test."

(Right in the privacy of your own….McDonald’s bathroom. Best place to do pregnancy tests.)

"WHAT!" everyone but Feferi exclaimed because she was too cool

(No, she can’t talk. She’s a car.)

"Dave..." Jade began "I AM PREGNANT!

(Oh, ok, author, we’ll roll with it.)

gasp! Jade is PG! what will happn now! will karkat get better? (Does anyone even care?) REVIEW

(Aw, you're so cute, you little failtroll, you. It's so adorable how you think you made a good trollfic. Kids, (or basement-bound middle aged virgins) these days.)


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #9
Felloffalot


As obvious as ejaculation.
******

Group: Members
Posts: 682
Joined: 12-September 10
From: The Institute of War
Member No.: 386
Gender: Male



post Mar 23 2012, 03:37 AM
QUOTE (Paragon @ Mar 22 2012, 07:23 AM) *
Honestly, you could probably pull that off. Most fans of the series don't even understand the plot. They just read for the characters.

It's why I'd best describe Homestuck as a webcomic that is also a puzzle.


--------------------
"Alright Japan, just stick to sushi, anime and creepy sex things."
-Brad Loekle
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #10
Projectkulu


Seal Time
****

Group: Members
Posts: 224
Joined: 7-November 10
Member No.: 403
Gender: Male



post Mar 23 2012, 06:14 AM
QUOTE (Felloffalot @ Mar 23 2012, 05:37 AM) *
It's why I'd best describe Homestuck as a webcomic that is also a puzzle.

I like to describe Homestuck as "walls of text"


--------------------
I never finish anything.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #11
Agnitio Ex Machina


going places
*********

Group: Members
Posts: 3,043
Joined: 7-March 12
From: Californication
Member No.: 620
Gender: Male



post Mar 23 2012, 09:03 AM
QUOTE (Projectkulu @ Mar 23 2012, 07:14 AM) *
I like to describe Homestuck as "walls of text"

I took a look at it and I agree. It's tl;dr to me.


--------------------

QUOTE (Al_Cone)
I don't think you thought this one through, Machinavelli.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #12
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 26 2012, 01:43 PM
Chapter three. Bad trollfic is fucking painful. Also, from here on out, the story content gets exponentially weirder. EXPONENTIALLY.

this chapter contains ADULT CONTENT between john and rose!

(God, fanfic authors are perverts. They were thirteen in the original story. Fourteen now, but come on people.)

if u do not like it plz skip over it.

(Okay, cool. Can I skip over the rest of the damn story, too?)

im really enjoying riting this story

(Well, I’m sure nobody is enjoying the actual reading of it.)

but ill upload more 2morrow this is the last update for now I WANT REVIEWS

(And I want to do anything else besides read this fic. I guess we both want things we can’t have, eh, troll?)

John and Rose were in a field holding hands and kissing. They were alone and the sun was high in the sky. Rose was in a long white dress and a sun hat and John was chasing her through corn and sunflowers. He felt happy. She spun around and her silken gown brushed against the corn

(I regularly have dreams about people I have an interest in running through fields of corn, too!)

as she ran backwards in slow motion.

(Okay, you’d look fucking retarded like that.)



John went to grab her, but she moved out of the way and he stumbled over a giant cliff and fell into darkness.

(It’s like Lucy, Charlie Brown and the football, except way more fucking stupid, and not actually entertaining.)

"John" a voice boomed as he hit the floor "I am the dark genie of precipice Araida!"

Thunder boomed.

(There’s a lot of booming going on here.)

"You are yur frends are in GRAEVE DANGER" she said

"What do you mean!"

John said he didnt want any harm to come to Rose so he was worried since they handnt had sex yet.

(Yeah, I’d be more concerned about sex, too. Author’s mind: “HOW DO I DO CHARACTER MOTIVATIONS, U GAIZ.”)

"JADE IS PREGNANT WITH THE SON OF A DEVIL" Aradia bombed as more thunder struck loudly "And Rose is NEXT"

(Y’know, there is a thing called a condom. There are pills you can take to prevent the birth of devil children. Pretty easily preventable disaster, if you ask me.)

"O M G" John giggled

(Author’s mind, part 2: “WHAT IS THE ABSOLUTE WORST, MOST UNFITTING WORD CHOICE I CAN USE HERE? 'GIGGLE' AMICOOLYETGAIZ?”)

"you must destroy the dammed incubes on a nigth when the moon is full and spill his blod onto Jade and make her drink it so it kills the baba!" Ariada proclaimed

(The fuck is this plot doing? Seriously, would this make any sense in the original Homestuck universe? No. So why would this make sense in a HIGH SCHOOL AU of Homestuck??? Author, if you’re going to make a trollfic, at least try to make it look like you fucking tried.)

"But WHO IS THE INUCUBS!" John demolished as he clentched his fists.

(“Everybody, you are all complete sluts!!”)

Aradia glowed "You must find out for yourself john! UNLASH THE POWER FROM WITHIN AND DO NOT LET THE DEMON TANT YOUR ROSE OR SHE WILL WILT"

(Wow, that was some brilliant usage of English prose there, author. Never, ever read anything like that before.)

She handed him two plastic horns

"When you put these on you will turn into my faithful demon sslayer ERIDAN" she magistrated "He will serve you well"

(What. HUH? Author, have you ever fucking read Homestuck beyond looking up the names of the characters?)

"Ok" John said and he woke up

(That seems to be the common response to anything in this fic. Kinda like “don’t worry about it” in ‘The Room’.)

"Oh your ok" Rose said and she hugged John

"What happened" John elaborated as Dave hugged him next.

Dave raged "Dark magick came out of your mcdonnaldss burger and FOUND ITS WAY TO YOUR SOUL"

(No, I’m pretty sure he just has indigestion. I know McDonald’s burgers FEEL like dark magic, but it’s just the magic of grease working its way through your intestines.)

"How!" John demanded

"we do not yet know" Tarvos clemenced

(He what now? And is this actually Tavros, or Karkat-as-Tavros, or someone named Tarvos?)

"We think that by eating it it distrupted the forces within your purities"

(You can just call it indigestion, you shitheads.)

"oh my gog" John said seriously

(Hamburgers are serious business.)

The next day at school the group sat in a dark corner away from everoyne else as hey tried to think what happened to Jonn.

(That wasn’t a generic setting at all!)

But John knew that deep down there was an demon after Rose's ovaries.

(Pffffft. Okay, I laughed.)

He couldnt bare the thought of his love falling to such a trap.

(The traps of the Ovary Demons.)

"Maybe it was just food poisoning" Ferarri helped

(Shut up, car!)

"No my legs began to shake with a need i have long forgotten when i saw the black aroma!" Tarvos said

(Are you crippled or not, make up your mind!)

"Where are Jade?" Rose asked

(Jade are trying to escape. Maybe they fell prey to the Ovary Demons.)

Dave began to cry into Tarvos shoulder. John had a feeling in his gut that this was not a god sign.

(There is no God, only badfic.)

"She cheated on me with a college guy" he moaned into Tarvos. he was so upset.

(Author, you can stop introducing plot threads and get to the actual story anytime now!)

"OMG Dave" Vriska purred as she pulled his face into her boobs. Dave cried into them instead.

(Believable dialogue, what’s that?)

"John we need to talk" Rose announced

"Ok" John said

(SUCH TANTALIZING INTERACTION I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO DESCRIBE)

They got up and went to a private part of the school where no one could see or hear them.

(The swimming pool on the third floor, perhaps?)

John had a feeling that he would be getting lucky as some people call it

(I like to call it “this is fucking stupid and is going to make my eyes hurt.”)

but he knew he had to be carful.

(Like Ferarri. She’s really CARFUL.)

He couldnt risk getting his rose pregnant or the conseqences would be FATALITY.

(Yeah, having sex with a thorny plant sounds like- wait a second. FATALITY? Author, seriously, you aren’t even trying anymore! I’m doing my best to mock your retarded fic, and you don’t even have the common courtesy to make me look for things that are wrong with the fic. You’re just handing it to me on a silver platter! Well, if you won’t try, then I won’t either!)

"John" Rose moaned "Will u be my boyfriend?"

(NOPE, herpy derpy, arrow to the knee, AM I COOL YET, INTERNET? AM I COOL YET???)

"Ok" John said

"So you will have sex with me then since thats what people do when they go out" Rose said

(Especially in high school. Seriously, I fucked at least 20 fucking guys the second they changed their Facebook status to ‘in a relationship’! Come on, I’m sure EVERYONE’S high school was like that, amirite?)

John could not resist those gigantic bosoms in that tight school top were begging him to rip it off right here and plant his seed DEEP inside of her.

(Like, colon deep? Because I always love it when authors describe that, the feeling of having a dick shoved up to your damn intestines. So erotic, I need a cold shower.)

but he had to control himself or things would get bad.

(Writing-wise, anyway.)

"I do not know Rose" John manifested "Maybe we should wait!"

(This author just picked random words from a thesaurus, didn’t they?)

"I AM TIRED OF WAITING FOR YOU JON. I WANT YOU TO PUT IT IN ME NOW."

(Put what in you? You could be talking about those plastic horns for all we know!)

Rose did not need to say more. John teared open the girls school shirt and her boobies came springing out in a wave of bouncyness.

(Her boobs just up and detached, people.)

They were like those bouncy balls, only they were softer.

(Detached breasts are great for beach parties and pep rallies.)

He ripped off her skirt and looked at her panties.

there was water already dripping from her patnies and her thighs were wet.

(So…either her water just broke, or she peed herself. This is not looking to be a good sex scene, readers.)

He took off his trousers and then ripped her panties into too feeling how wet they were between his hands.

(That’s really fucking creepy, author. Thanks.)

More water began leaking out of her flower while she moaned.

(Haha, geddit cuz her name is Rose, hahaha, this is fucking stupid. Also, if your vagina is leaking, then I think you have bigger problems to worry about than doing the nasty. Unless…we aren’t talking about her vagina.

Is that what we're talking about here?)

She took off her bra and then pulled out Johns hard Chase Sapphire membership card and pressed it to her sacred area.

(Her belly button?)

"Put it in me Johnny!" she cried loudly.

(That sounds like a thing a chick who was considered a sex goddess would say.)

"Ok" John said and he put his shaft into her tight hole.

(I always hate it when authors use the word shaft to describe a penis. You know why?

That's fucking why.)

It was hot and wet inside. She began orgasming

(Seriously, females are not that easily responsive. Guys cannot just stick their dick in a girl and she starts singing an fucking opera. It’s why you have goddamn FOREPLAY, which is not a thing many lemon writers have heard of, apparently!)

and making sexual animal like noises.

(That could mean anything. We shall assume she went moo like a cow, and move on.)

"Oh oh oh! Oh John! Pull it in a little deeper! Ooooooh yeah!" Rose exclamated.

(Augh, on second thought, can we NOT move on?)

She clawed his back like a tigeress in heat

(Agh, now I’m getting flashbacks to My Inner Life!!! A sex scene should NEVER give me flashbacks to My Inner Life!!)

and John contiued to deflower his sweet rose. He already felt close to consumating their love with his seed.

(All these plant metaphors are really not helping.)

He could feel the water flowing out of her and onto the floor beneath them.

(Fucking hell, I’m pretty sure she’s pissing herself, here.)

It made him want to drink it all up and feed it to her.

(Oh, jesus if we go into a urination fetish, I’m going to vomit.)

he could not control himsellf any longer and they came together in one giiant orgasm.

(For God’s sake, a VIRGIN would never be able to pull off the simultaneous orgasm. Fanfic writers, what is it with your fixation on simultaneous orgasms? That RARELY happens in real life!)

"JOOOOOOOOHN!" she moaned as he came deep within her carven, her flower oozing with the white liquid as he pulled out of her.

(Sexy. Likening her vagina to a cave REALLY helps.)

"NO! John! Rose!" Jade's loud cry mewled.

(What, was she hiding and watching them?)

They turned their sweaty heads to see Jade struggling in the grasp of a man who looked more evil than ANY other man they had seen. His aura admitted a dark energy that made the clouds come together and boom lightening.

(Lets try to guess who this is: Rush Limbaugh? No, no, Karl Marx! Uhhhh, that one guy who raped like twenty little boys? The AUTHOR?)

"NOW THAT ROSE HAS BEEN GIVEN THE SEED I CAN PLANT MY SPAWN!" the evil man yelled

(Stop it with the plant puns, for the love of God.)

"Sollux, it hath been a while!" Tarvos trembled as he, Feferi, Dave, Vriska and Gamzee all came running up to the area.

(Oh, of course, it was Sollux. Makes perfect sense, right?)

"John, use the power of my demon slayer to help Jade!" John heard aradia's voice call.

(What the hell is going on anymore?)

He reached into his pockets and pulled out the plastic horns and stuck them into his head.

(This is the stupidest plot device ever.)

He felt himself morphing into a different being until he was no longer John but a purple capped man with thick rimmed glasses.

(What the fuck and who the fuck.)

"Sollux" John's now deep Eridan voice boomed "It's time to duel.

(With children’s trading cards? Because that’s the sentiment I’m getting over here.)

john has transformed into eridan and sollux wants to plant his spawn!

(The author just started writing whatever the fuck came into their head at this point, apparently. Who is who now? Why do characters keep changing who they are?)

who will win! plz review and then u will find out!

(God, I have like four more chapters of this to do. Augh, my sanity is eroding. I can only take so much of bad trollfic, apparently.)


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #13
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 26 2012, 03:49 PM
(I discovered that chapter four is the shortest fucking thing ever. Trolls need filler, too, I guess.)

to the people asking if im a troll

(I guess the folks on ff.net are slightly smarter than I give them credit for. I don’t give them a lot of credit, but still.)

no i am not i wuld rly like 2

(Really, you cannot make the extra effort to spell out ‘to’?)

bee one tho since the homestuck ones are cool!

(Oh, author. How do you not know what a typical Internet Troll is, yet are a fan of the Trolls of Homestuck? Do you not understand why they were called Trolls? Obviously not. This discrepancy gives more merit to the idea that the author is in fact, a troll.)

idk why id own a dildo to stick up an ass lol im not old enough 2 own one.

(Then how do you know what that is?)

to the nice ppl who left nice reviews i wnt 2 say thank u because they made me smile hehe.

(Who the hell left you good reviews? I want names. I need to go break their kneecaps.)

nefotion gave me a REALLY god idea 2 add in wizards 2 the story so i might do that.

(Oh, hey, “nefotion”? GO DIE. Like we need more bullshit in this goddamn story.)

im rely glad u like the character development

(What character development??? Is she referring to the constant switching of names and dissolution of personality?)

but whaat is my immortal?

(Ahhh, hahahaha. Thanks, ff.net. I see the resemblance clearly, though. No need to point out the obvious.)

do you mean like the song by evenescense?

(Author, you cannot be serious.)

Just when all hope was thought to be lost the author wrote this fic, and then all hope was truly lost. Eridan took out of his deadly weapon knwon as the almighty Demontroll

(Wow, author, you aren’t even going with a generic Latin or Japanese sounding name?)

and began to rock out on it

(It’s a fucking guitar. Good freaking god.)

so the noise would distract Sollux wich it did

(Omg so creative.)

and he let go of Jade

(Why? Nobody did anything to knock her out of his hands. God, you’re a shitty villain, Sollux.)

and she came running over to them.

"Thank you sooooooooooo much John" she exclaimed

(Are you sure it’s John? He could be anyone at this point. I don’t even know if that was really Jade who spoke.)

"My name is Eridan, John is no longer part of this body but exists now within hells wreched flames!" Eridan spoke

(How many genres and plot threads are in this fucking fic.)

"Oh ok" Jade said and walked over to Dave

(Yeah, that’s a perfectly normal response.)

"So..." Sollux begins as he took out his own instrement, the dark and almighty Redtooth which was an old wooden violin

(I like violins more than guitars, personally.)

and began to fight back against Eridan "You are challenging me to a duel"

(A music duel. Makes about as much sense as the rest of the fic. Hey, wasn’t this called ‘Homestuck High’ or some shit? More like “Homestuck: the biggest anachronistic fic EVER.”)

"You will not win it" Eridan ejaculates

(Ugh, can this word please be banned from usage as a word to mean “said”?)

as he plucks the guitar harder "you will not win over my wrath and you will no take these chicks back to your castle within the dark clouds to create the next evil dark overloard!"

(What the fack. This plot isn’t even a damn train, it is so far off the rails.)

"Then if i lose the battle you must hand over to me Rose and Jade so I may plant the dark spawn within them to create the ultimite POWER" Sollux suggested

(What the fuck is going on anymore?)

Both demons began to rock out on their instruments and a clash of white and black aroma

(Aroma? They smelled black and white? How does that even work?)

smashed together within the space between them as they batteld it out. they began to sweat.

(This is starting to sound more like DBZ than Homestuck.)

it was a tough duel but Eridan did a triple eighty and knocked Sollux back flying.

(Did he just roundhose kick him or some shit?)

"WELL DONE ERIDAN!" everyone on Eridans side cheered.

(YAY, SIMULTANEOUS REACTION!)

"Whatevs" Eridan said, putting his guitar into his pocket

(What the hell is with the guitar, seriously?)

Sollux walked away in defeat but hed be backk they all knew it.

(ii’ll be back. 2oon…
Really, why is Sollux the villain? Eridan is more of a damn villain than fucking Sollux.)


Eridan took off his horns and John returned.

(STUPIDEST TRANSFORMATION TRINKET EVER.)

"What happenend" John ingerigated

(“Well, the fic was retarded, we all became Pokemon masters, we started dabbling in Alchemy, and then we became soldiers and went on an adventure where we had to kill zombies. it was great, and you totaly missed it.")

"you turned into a super awesome demon called Eridan and you battled that Sollux guy to protect me and Jade" Rose bubbled.

(“It was the stupidest fight ever.”)

"Oh ok" John said

(Yay, underwhelming reactions!)

"Lets go to class" Gamzee cornered

(And after all that, the author would like to remind us that it is a HIGH SCHOOL AU.)

"I smell a war coming..." Tarvos wanred "I do not like this. Be careful John mboy"

(So, does he have smellsight? Who is this person? Tavros, Karkat, who the hell, and why is he talking like an old man out of a shitty 90’s rpg?)

The next day Rose came over to John bubbling with news

(Well, that is an interesting mental image.)

"John guess what" she said

"what" John said

"Were going to have a baby" she cried

(YOU ARE IN HIGH SCHOOL.)

"Thats great"

(SHE IS IN HIGH SCHOOL. Also, shouldn’t he have said something like, “ok”?)

John said and he hugged her tightly. he always wanted to be a

(Douchebag? Bigger idiot? In a badfic? It’s a mocker’s fill-in-the-blank haven!)

"Whats going on" Dave inquisited

"Rose is going to have a baby" John said proudly

(No, really, is nobody against a high-schooler having a child?)

Dave smiled "But wait what about Sollux and the dark spawm"

(Yeah, really, we have about eighty other subplots to wrap up. Was there ever a main plot?)

"Dont worry about that right now we must celebrate" Rose manifactured.

(Oh, my god, this fic is just the author’s portal into their twisted, demented mind.)

"Ok" Dave said

(Another underwhelming reaction! Gotta love how they just keep saying “ok” to all plot revelations.)

next chapter there will be a baby shower and a realy big surprise but is it a good or bad one review to find out

(Motherfuck, why does this fic exist. I don't even need to mock this anymore, this is so ridiculous.)


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #14
Projectkulu


Seal Time
****

Group: Members
Posts: 224
Joined: 7-November 10
Member No.: 403
Gender: Male



post Mar 26 2012, 07:16 PM
Please just stop now, it's an obvious trollfic and the person who wrote it is obviously trying to make an another My Immortal. Most of your complaints of this fic can be easily answered with "It's a trollfic".


--------------------
I never finish anything.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #15
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 26 2012, 07:50 PM
You're probably right. Is just giving up on a fic allowed? I've never seen it done before.

If it is allowed, then I'm done with this bullshit.
If not, I'm STILL done with this bullshit.

Seriously, I have wrung out all the comedy I can from this.
Any other comments I make would essentially boil down to incoherent screaming.
And that just ain't funny.

On the other hand, I have a bigger problem woth this being a trollfic than the fic itself.
Also, wouldn't it look kinda bad if I just gave up on the fic now?

Regretfully, I am not quite sure what to do with it at this point.


This post has been edited by Paragon: Mar 26 2012, 08:01 PM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #16
Agnitio Ex Machina


going places
*********

Group: Members
Posts: 3,043
Joined: 7-March 12
From: Californication
Member No.: 620
Gender: Male



post Mar 27 2012, 07:09 AM
I think we'd forgive you if you stopped. We wouldn't care if you kept going, either. Do whatever suits you. That's the Team AFTER way!


--------------------

QUOTE (Al_Cone)
I don't think you thought this one through, Machinavelli.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #17
Projectkulu


Seal Time
****

Group: Members
Posts: 224
Joined: 7-November 10
Member No.: 403
Gender: Male



post Mar 27 2012, 02:24 PM
You are allowed to stop a mock for any reason (I think anyway).


--------------------
I never finish anything.
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #18
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
******

Group: Members
Posts: 759
Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 28 2012, 11:06 AM
Alright, so after a bit of internal cost-benefit analysis, I've decided to terminate this mock.

There is nothing I can say or do to make the next chapters of this awful fic funnier, so unless anyone really wants me to finish it, I won't mock any further chapters. Apologies if I am not allowed to do this, but I feel that for the sake of comedy and my sanity, I should cut my losses with this mock.

Really, the fic only gets more and more blatantly obvious in the subsequent chapters.



--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post

Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:

 



Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 22nd December 2014 - 03:21 PM