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> What Hurts the Most: A Hannah Montana fanfiction, What hurts the most is fucking songfics, obviously
Post #1
Paragon


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post Mar 16 2012, 07:26 PM
Kay guys, so I know you all wanted to read a Hannah Montana fanfiction. Wait, you didn't? Oh, then it's a good thing I happen to have one, pre-mocked by me about an hour ago.

Enjoy the mock, fuck this fic, which is so big, I'll post in in three parts.


Miley can't move, or speak

(Well, no problems so far.)

hey everyone!

(Oh, hi, author.)

well, first I'd like to say that I originally am a Spanish-speaker, so my English isn't really that good

(Oh, yay. We’re in for a grammatical train wreck.)

and you guys will probably find some mistakes…

(Let the record show that this fic is a mistake.)

I'm really sorry, I'll really try to improve

(Obviously you didn’t if you haven’t fixed your grammar mistakes. Do Spanish computers not have spellcheck?)

anyway, this is my first fic in English and my first fic about Hannah Montana…

(Because that’s a good way to start off your fanfiction career. Disney sit”coms” designed for little girls.)

or the jonas brothers.

(Oh, fucking shit.)

this one is a one shot fic with a song: What hurts the most…

(Is it this fic? Because I feel that it might be the fic.)

originally from Rascal Flatts, but the Cascada version is also really good hope you enjoy, and, by the way, it's centered on Niley Who the fuck?).. and it's kinda tragical….

(“Tragical”. Well, I do believe this is our indicative word for the upcoming tone and quality of the rest of the writing.)

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house

(But this fic, I cannot.)

That don't bother me

(But this fic. It does.)

I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out of my ass

I'm not afraid to cry like a little bitch…

Miley can't move, or speak.

(Not even sure if this is a callback or not.)

She can just cry, silently and deeply.

(Silent crying sounds like something that, if you saw someone doing it in real life, you’d probably laugh your ass off.)

- Miley, where are you? – screams her father, looking for her. She doesn't bother to answer…

(Because she was too busy trying to cry silently. Oh, yeah, and I’m not going to say anything about the dialogue punctuation, because it’s actually correct. This is how all Spanish literature is punctuated. No idea why they use hyphens, but whatever. Doesn’t forgive the author for writing a godfamn Hannah Montana fanfiction, but there you go.)

… every once in a while (I cry because this is a shitty fic.)

Even though going on with you gone still upsets me

There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok

But that's not what gets me. (now hamburgers. Hamburgers understand me. Only they know my pain.)

(After this point, I will mock in rhyme during these fucking idiotic song lyrics

Her dad fainally finds her – Are you ok? I just heard whathappenned, honey. I know you must be feeling…

(Oh, hi, Billy Ray Cyrus.)

- I'm fine, dad – interrupts she. Her face was already dry, but her eyes were still red and she could not hide the pain beneath them

(VISIBLE PAIN, oh, my heart just goes out to this character.)

- Fine? There's no way you can be fine… sweetheart… -

(When did Billy Ray Cyrus become an emo?)

-I said I was fine. I just need to be alone – she stands up and walks out the house abruptly…

(So she took a step, stopped, took a step, stopped, etc. etc.? Abruptly should be at the start of that phrase there.)

The truth is that she doesn't want to be alone.

(Which is why she left the comfort of her father, who obviously was offering comfort?)

But the one she'd like to be with… well, that wouldn't be possible anymore.

(Oh, she has one of those people repelling shields, I get it now.)

What hurts the most

(For the author, it’s this roast)

Was being so close

(God, this fanfic blows.)

And having so much to say

(and I say it anyway.)

And watching you walk away

(and the author drowned in the bay.)

She sits alone on the sand. And she remembers…

(How fucking bad this fic is, even compared to the source material.)

Flash Back


"If you don't wanna be with me, just say it"

(“Okay, I don’t want to be with you.”)

"Of course I wanna be with you, Miley!

(“I just don’t wanna be with you.”)

You know, you should know how much I care about you…

(and your money)

" his voice sounded more disappointed than mad, and that made her even more upset.

(So many emotions in this fic.)

She was tired of always being the one that was wrong, the impulsive, crazy one, while he always got the part of the mature, serious, sweet one.

(Wait, who the fuck is she talking to?)

"Then what is it that bothers you so much?"

(“Because the guy isn’t supposed to be prettier than the girl!”)

"Miley… it's just… what bothers me, it's that I never know what bothers you. I don't even know what doesn't bother you… you never show you true feelings to me, you are never completely honest with me."

(Wait, what the hell is this? I have no idea what’s going on?)

"That is sooo not true…" she was strating to feel desperate…

(I’m starting to feel bored…)

"Miley" he was starting to lose his patience "

(Jeez, we’re all starting to do something here.)

I told you I loved you, and you just answered "I know" and ran away quickly"

(Is that how a normal person acts?)

"…" she just didn't know what to say, again.

(So she just said the word ‘period’ three times. Or just the word ‘ellipses’.)

His brown eyes were full of sadness, but he just bit his lips and left the room.

(Bit both his lips? I just tried to do that. I looked retarded.)

End of Flashback

(Oh, thank God,)

And never knowing

(what direction this fic is going.)

What could have been

(Like stabbing myself with a pen)

And not seeing that loving you

(really sucked, you fucking poo.)

Is what I was tryin' to do

(I’m going to kill you with a shoe.)

Miley starts crying again. Why couldn't she say anything?

(Bitch lacks the brain capacity to talk and cry at the same time.)

Itw as just so easy… she did love him how couldn't she have?

(Same reason I didn’t…wait, we STILL don’t know who the hell this guy is.)

But she was too scared of saying it..

She was always the person who did not care about anything… that way she knew she'd never got hurt. But she did care. And she ruined it.

(Now, I never watched Hannah Montana by choice, but is that remotely accurate to anything in the show? Would Disney ever have an apathetic main character?)

It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go

(so I just drink until my guts hang low.)

But I'm doin' It

(God, this is shit.)

It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone

(Methinks the singer just needs a hard bone.)

She needs to forget, she needs to let go…

(Like get some hookers. WHOA.)

.- Mils, hey I wanted to show my new skateboard… what's wrong? – her best friend Lilyl approaches her, sees her face, sees the tears Miley is desperately trying to hide.

- C'mon, you can tell me… - Lilly sits next to her and hugs her slightly…

(Ah, one of those “I’m your friend, but ehhhh….” hugs.)

Miley wants to tell her… didn't Lilly know him to? Probaly in a few hours everyone would know, anyway… But she just can't talk about it yet.

(Secretive bitch.)

She needs to deal with her pain alone

Still Harder

(I feel like a martyr.)

Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret

(This author is one of the worst I’ve met.)

But I know if I could do it over…

(I’d have killed this author with a lawn mower.)

She is about to say she's fin and aske her friend to leave her alone… when she remembers the boy, accusing her of never being capable to admit that she actually needs someone.

She slowly realizes that no matter how strong she thinks she is…

(Very slowly. So slowly it toke her about five minutes.)

she'll eventually need someone to hold on to. Like a helpless child.

(Oh, ok. What. No. stand on your own two feet, idiot. Nobody can feel pain for you. Only you feel the pain. So only you can heal it. I’m just grasping for more important and interesting things to talk about. This is one of the most boring fics I’ve read.)

I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart

(so I could buy some trading cards at Wal-Mart.)

That I left unspoken

(with kneecaps broken)


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Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #2
Agnitio Ex Machina


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post Mar 16 2012, 09:25 PM


This post has been edited by Agnitio Ex Machina: Mar 16 2012, 09:34 PM


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QUOTE (Al_Cone)
I don't think you thought this one through, Machinavelli.
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Post #3
Zana


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post Mar 16 2012, 11:08 PM
Yeah, that's definitely above "silly teenage heartache" on the pain scale. then again, so is a paper cut

For someone whose native language isn't English, I actually think her grammar and whatnot isn't that bad. It's better than what you usually get from fanfiction in general. That's not saying much, but still.

Clarity wise, though, I don't get it either. She's sad because she couldn't tell her boyfriend she loves him? Is..that it? The fic makes it sound likes he's dead or something.

This post has been edited by Zana: Mar 16 2012, 11:09 PM


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Grammar is the difference between "knowing your shit" and "knowing you're shit."
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Post #4
Paragon


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post Mar 17 2012, 06:48 AM
QUOTE
For someone whose native language isn't English, I actually think her grammar and whatnot isn't that bad. It's better than what you usually get from fanfiction in general. That's not saying much, but still.


Yeah, it really is. I was a bit surprised myself, because I can usually rip the grammar apart, but here, I can only do that in like...one or two places.

But grammar alone does not make a nonsensical badfic good. And dear God, this thing is nonsensical.
So nonsensical, I'd call it "Tragical."
Tragically nonsensical.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Mar 17 2012, 06:49 AM


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Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #5
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
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Joined: 22-February 12
From: DAWG CITY
Member No.: 612
Gender: Female



post Mar 17 2012, 07:31 AM
Here's part two of this terrible, glurgy oneshot.


"Lills… I just… - she strats crying onto Lilly's shoulder – Please, stay with me, Lills… I don't think being alone right now would do me any good…

And she wishes she would have said that to someone else… but it was now too late.

(I dun geddit.)

What hurts the most

(I’m this worm’s host.)

was being so close

(Blood is flowing from my nose.)

And having so much to say

(God, this is gay.)

And watching you walk away

(Can I kill myself today?)

After a few minutes, Lilly wants to know, she needs to know. – What happened, Miles? – she is really worried.

Miley is about to speak, when someone, just a random stranger, walks really close to them.

(Like uncomfortably close, or like “Hi there little girl” close?)

The person si reading a newspaper… and both Lilly and Miley can perfectly read the front page.

It's a big picture of him.

(The guy reading the newspaper?)

And to hurt Miley even more, there's also a picture of her, as Hannah. With him.

(Again, with the guy reading the paper?)

With their faces really close. Miley feels her already broken heart being totalled.

(Pft, body parts as car body parts. I geddit. Now someone run ME over so I don’t have to finish this.)

And never knowing

(This fic has bad flowing.)

What could have been

(God, do I have to rhyme again?)

And not seeing that loving you

(To the fic: BOOOOO.)

Is what I was trying to do

(To the author: SHOO!)

Lilly's ayes start filing up with tears, but she just holds Miley even stronger. Meanwhile, she's recalling the photo's occasion…

(When they first met that guy with the newspaper….)

Flash Back

(Oh, motherfuck, not again.)

"So nice to see you again!" said she, smiling in a very revealing way at him.

She totally had a big crush on him, and she didn't want to hide it

(How not to flirt: a guide within a fanfic.)

"It's… nice to see you, too" he seemed nervious, but he was smiling. She just adored his shy ways, and she got closer to him…

(not sure if rape yet.)

She looked into his brown eyes feeling a little nervious, but trying to remain confident.

"I just wanted to congratulate for your nomination… you look really handsome tonight"

(UGH, this is not how to write a romance. Where's the spark? Where'e the goddamn chemistry?? Why the hell am I even fucking asking?)

He tries to avoid her eyes… but he just can'y. Perhaps in a inconscious way, he approchaes her even more.

"Thank you… you.. you look even more beautiful than usual"

(GLURGE. All of the glurge. All of it.)

She needs to take her chance, but when she's about press her lips against his… his brothers arrive.

(Hold the fucking phone. I said hold it, bitch! Is this a Jonas brother? *Checks back up to the story* Damn, I did not remember that.)

End of Flash Back

(Can NO ONE ever properly transition between a past event and present time in a fanfiction? I've seen it pulled off succesfully ONCE, and that was because it was supposed to be a total confusing mindfuck.)

What hurts the most

(I think I overdosed.)

Is being so close

(This fic is gross.)

And having so much to say

(I’d rather eat a fish filet.)

And watching you walk away

(seriously, this author will pay.)

"Miley… I know.. it must hurt like hell…

- You don't know… you really don't. I just can't stop asking myself why . now that she's started to speak, Miley need to take everything out – Why coulnd't I reveel my true feeling for him?

(Why can’t you speak English?)

I just said that I anted to have fun with him… now h'es gone… why is he gone? He didn't deserve it.. I wsih I were the one who was gone…-

(I swear if she’s complaining that he’s in Canada or some shit, I will punch a baby.)

- Stop saying that! You are talking nosense – Lilly is terrifies.

(I is terrifies, too.)

She had never seem her friend so sad and damaged

(SHE MUST BE REPAIRED.)

- It's true… I wish I would have realized how much I loved him before… I wich I could have fixed things between us… I wish I had had a tinier ego…

(I wish I knew what the fuck was going on in this fic.)

And never knowing

(This fic is blowing.)

What could have been

(Like what, eating a raw hen?)

And not seeing that loving you

(These rhymes are getting harder to brew.)

Is what I was trying to do

(I'm trying to run away, that's true.)


Stay tuned for the thrilling conclusion to this piece of shit!


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #6
Paragon


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post Mar 21 2012, 12:41 PM
Final part of this glurgy bullshit.


She had never seem her friend so sad and damaged

(WE MUST REPAIR HER.)

- It's true… I wish I would have realized how much I loved him before he left for Canada.

… I sandwich I could have fixed things between us… I wish I had had a tinier ego…

(That was an interesting way of phrasing it.)

And never knowing

(This fic is boring)

What could have been

(You had to post the song lyrics again?)

And not seeing that loving you

(was like loving a cow. Moo.)

Is what I was trying to do

(whoop, there goes my brain goo.)

Flash Back

Just an hour earlier

(When they met the newspaper holder…)

The phone rang, and Miley quickly answered it.

"Miley?"

(She answered it by saying her name? Goddamn what.)

She knew that voice… and she felts surprised. Joe Jonas caling her?

(Wait, are these people still relevant? Nope, they rot in Disney Limbo.)

She knew she wasn't exactly his favorite person, especially since she and Nikc had broken up, just a month ago, suppessedly due to "Miley's lack of commitment"

(Was she cheating on him? Did he ask her to marry him? Does anyone even care? NOPE.)

"Joe… so this is new…

(“I had no idear fones existed before naow.”)

why are you calling?"

(“Neither of us are relevant anymore. I say we go kill that girl with the weird ass mouth, Demi whatsherface.”)

"Miley… this is not easy to say" his voice started cracking.

Miley was confused… since when was Joe so serious?

(Since when did we switch styles of punctuation in the middle of the story? I’ve seen POV switches, tense switches, I’ve seen fics switch between first, second, and third person at the drop of a hat, but I’ve never seen the style of punctuation change in the middle of the fic. I only focus on this because IT’S THE ONLY THING THE AUTHOR DID CONSISTENTLY. Now my last thread of sanity has been severed by this convoluted mess of a mess. Also, did the Jonas brothers ever have personalities? I don’t remember them having anything.)

- Why are you talking like that? Did someone die or something? – she asked jokingly…

(Yes, because people regularly make prank calls to tell people that someone died! What the fuck kind of a question is that?)

And Joe started crying on the phone - Joe? What's going on? – she was beginning to get worried.

(Because the formatting implied he just talked to himself.)

"Nick. He's death, Miley.

(He’s death? Like, he became Thanatos, the grim reaper, or what?)

He was coming come

(WHOA.)

last night from the hospital he had been visting some children with diabetes.

(Oh, hey look the diabeetus killed him, except not, haha irony.)

Me and Keivn went with him, but we had left earlier, cuz we were tired. He just wanted to stay a little bit loonger…

(In the sequel the two living brothers go on a revenge killing spree. They kill kids with diabeetus.)

- Shut up. Stop saying that, it's so not funny –

(Was he laughing as he said this?? Damn.)

interrupted Miley, panic atrating to burst into her eyes.

(Reverse chest burster, except with eyes? Ow.)

- … as he was returning home, there was a car crash. He died inmediatly.

(Oh, wow what a twist, oh my god I can’t even believe it wow how creative this is the stupidest fucking thing.)

He's dead, Miley. My brother is dead. I … I just thought you should know – Joe hung up.

(No condolences, no concern, nothing? Normal human interaction at its best, right there.)

End of Flashback

(But the torture wouldn't end for another couple sentences. Be strong, Paragon, be strong.)

Not seeing that loving you

(No more rhymes, fuck you.)

That's what I was trying to do

(I’m gonna go huff some super glue.)

Someday, she'd had to get over it. But now all that she could is cry… cry about the person she had loved more than anyone… and she had never been able to tell him the way she felt

(Oh, hi cutoff endi

I hope you liked it!

(NOPE.avi)

I really apologize for all the mistakes,

(It doesn’t fix ‘em, though.)

and I'd very uch appreciate it if you could tell me wich parts are wrong… please

(Well, since you asked: FUCKING ALL OF IT.)

(And that’s the end of that. What’s sad is that the Hannah Montana section of ff.net is huge, like thousands of fics big. What the hell was so interesting about the show? I guess I would never understand, being a female with actual taste. Thank you and good night!)


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Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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