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> Forbiden fruit the tempation of edward cullen, When ten year-old Twitards are allowed to write.
Post #1
Paragon


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post Feb 23 2012, 05:47 PM
Alright, my first mock. I bring to you, Project AFTER, "forbiden fruit the tempation of edward cullen", one of my personal favorite badfics. I didn't see that anyone had done this one yet or requested it, so I thought "Why not?". If anyone was looking to do this one, I apologize, and I will delete this immediately.
I'm pretty sure it's a trollfic, but it's always a crowd-pleaser.
Without further ado, I present to you, the first chapter of "Forbiden fruit".
(My stuff in blue,
original text in white.)


AN hey guys this is the new improved verson of my story, hope its better this time!

(Trust me, it isn’t. I don’t even want to know how bad the first was.)

btw i am young and have dyslexia i find spellin hard

(This is the best kind of person to write fanfics, I swear.)

but its meant2 be unformal ok! no critisism pls! tis story goes out 2 my bf zac(kisses!) amd my besfreind Tiffi LOVE YA GRRRL! EDWARD IS OUR GODD!(we wanna SEX him gud!)

(You want to “sex your God, Edward Cullen”. Something tells me this author went about writing this one-handed. Oh, and that use of the word ‘sex’ as a verb and not a noun? That doesn’t go away.)

x x x x x x x love &blood becky mac! xxx x x xx

(What.)

UPDATE: I have a proofreader and I have cleaned up the spelling and grammer on this chaptor a hell of a lot as you will see (thank u vickie!) i will be imrpoving the next chaptors soon.

(Gotta love how the grammar and punctuation just deteriorate over the course of two sentences.)

Chapter 1 - Altantiana

(Oh, for the love of God, this girl can’t even spell her own Mary Sue’s name right.
Wait. Tara Gilesby, is that you?)


Hey, my names Atlantiana Rebekah Loren

(Oh, look the one time she spells the name right. Seriously, why do Mary Sues have to have the weirdest names? Who the hell names their kid “Altantisnakljfdalanaaaaa”)

(but everyone calls me Tiana or just plain Tiaa). I am a 16 year old girl and I live in Forks, Washington!

(Oh, of course you do, you speshul little snowflake.)

My hair is long and pale like spun gold and skims to my waist like a pale shimmering amber mist.

(That doesn’t even make sense, amber is a shade of brown-orange. And how the hell can you have a “Shimmering mist”? Mist is the opposite of shimmering!)

My eyes are deep forgetminot blue and my delicate fentures are lilly white and pure as the winter snow in moonlight.

(*snore* Oh, huh, must’ve fallen asleep. Sue descriptions do that to me. Fentures? I’ll assume she misspelt “dentures” and move on.)

I've been told by loads of sleazy, ugly, HORNY guys that I'm real pretty and look like a model or a bunny girl (some of the guys who like me are really old and try to make opt with me its disgusting and weird!)

(God, I hate it when a bunch of old men try to make out with me. Wait, I don’t associate with sleazy old men. What is this chick doing that she regularly interacts with perverted old men? I’d much rather read THAT than this piece of blah.)

but basically a lot of the girls I meet tell a different story.

(I assume the story is Wuthering Heights.)

They say I'm too ivory white and ethereal

(Because teenage girls use words like “ivory white” and “ethereal” when putting down other girls. “Oh, em, gee, did you see that new girl, Atlantiantnaitiana?” “Ohmahgah, I totally did! That bitch is way too ethereal! I mean, God get a tan!”)

and too skinny and that I look anorexic which i don't care about, but I think its seriously disrespectful to people with REAL eating disorders

(Because Anorexia isn’t a REAL eating disorder.)

(btw i'm so totally not anorexic! I eat loads I just never gain weight and I'm not thin enough to be anorexic anyways,

(That’s not how metabolism works.)

I think they were just being BIATCHES especially this one ratty brain called Ellie Mayfair

(Who never shows up in the story, ever.)

who I hope freaking DIES in PAIN with SHIT ON HER FACE! Sorry, I'm not really such a batch (Of cookies) but she is SO horrible if you met her you'd think the same!)

(Oh, look more telling and not showing. Yawn. Oh, wait we got more Sue description coming up.)

Anyways I am quite tall and slim and but with really big boobs that I used to HATE because they look noticeable on my slender body

(Oh, all the fat from her massive overeating must have gone to her boobs. Because that’s how fat storage works.)

and draw to much attention but now i like them and don't care who stares at me!

(Twenty bucks says she claims she isn’t a slut within the chapter. Oh, look incoming IMPORTANT DETAILS.)

I have a lip ring and recently put black and indigo and magenta streaks in my long pale blond hair.

(That sounds really ugly, actually.)

I smell like mint and cinnamon.

(So she smells disgusting. IMPORTANT DETAIL.)

I wear mostly black and hot pink, deep purple and neon blue and listen to COOL music!

(I imagine she listens to the Macaron Shacaron guy.)

It is my first day at school in forks as I just moved here to live with new foster parents Dave and Marie.

(Wait, what.)

They are nice and all very hole some sweet people but it is not like having a real family. I've been hurt to many times to let people close to me and I don't talk to them very much.

(SHOW, DON’T TELL.)

My real mom died (Before) when I was born and I never knew my real dad. I sometimes wonder what he is like and if I will ever get to met him.

(“Most of the time, I just like to sniff my minty/cinnamon-y armpits and dye my hair weird colors.”)

Dave gave me a ride to school and I smiled faintly as he wished me good luck and I got out of the car and went into the school. Loads of people freaking stared at me as I walked down the hall. I was wearing tight black leather pants with silver chains at the waste and a red fishnet-like top and you could see my black lacy bra through it.

(Yeah, that’s not remotely slutty. What the fuck is this school’s dress code.)

I ignored whispers and the big pink cheerleader imbosils pointing at me.

(Of course the cheerleaders were pink, what else could they be. Wait, were they wearing pink, or are they actually PINK?)

I was used to it and I paid no at-tension to the guys asking desperately for my number(like hell I'd even LOOK at the horny little donkeys!)

(This last line brought to you by Gordon Ramsay.)

and told a ditsy blond cheerleader called Jessica to STFU(!) when she called me a freak!

(Oh, right all cheerleaders are blond and ditzy. Was this written by a ten year old? Please be a troll.)

Next time she tries anything I'll hit her in the eye cause NO ONE messes with me nemore! My first day I was relay board, I sat gazing out of the window into the gray cloud-embittered sky for most of the morning, My teachers all looked at me disprovable but said nothing cause they probably new I was a foster kid and a Gothic and didn't want to upset me in case I cut them up as they slept,.

(Stereotypes. Stereotypes everywhere.)

My ears are pierced four times, I have a tattoo of a scorpion(like S my birth-sign!) on my ankle and a Gothic cross on my shoulder,

(I’m fairly sure there is no such zodiac sign called S.)

and on my hand i have a weird birthmark in the shape of a seven-pointed star that I've had all my life.

(There’s this thing about birthmarks, they usually don’t form into specific shapes like that. Oh, wait, Mary Sue.)

Your probably wandering why I'm bothering to tell you this,

(I’m really not. Oh, wait, is "Because you're the twisted creation of some Twitard/troll's mind" an acceptable answer?)

well I tell you now I am no ordinary sixteen year old girl.

(Oh, of course not. Why would I ever think that, you big-breasted, see-through shirt, abnormal metabolism-having, unrealistic birthmark-having speshul snowflake, you.)

I have a secret, a dark and forbidden secret witch I am only just beginning to understand. When I sleep I hear whispers in another language

(I’m assuming that language is English.)

and even though I understand them at the time, when I wake up i can't remember it!

(Then how the fuck do you know what you’re dreaming about?)

I also see weird faces in my dreams that fade to nothingness when I open my eyes and I swear out the corner of my eye my birthmark glows shocking bright gold and gets relay hot sometimes but when I look properly it is back to normal boarding scar-color!
I am really gracefull like the running anti-lopes

(She runs on all fours?)

when I run very fast and am stronger and faster than most people. I used to just think i was relay athletic

(Oh, lord, the spelling errors are becoming puns.)

but now I'm not so sure, I think there might be something else at work, something so much more mysterious and eeire.

(The evil machinations of the author of this Mary Sue!)
The truth hovers so softly on the brink of my memory sometimes but if only i could remember the weird things that clung to the edge of my mind as I slept!
At lunch I sat alone in the corner and scanned the cafeteria quietly with my eyes smoldering dark blue beheath my long black lashes and my slim thighs curled under me.

(The cheerleaders had broken every bone in her legs, then twisted them into a spiral.)

It was the n I noticed an unbelievably jaw-droopingly hawt HAWT HAAAAAAAAWT dude with tusseted blondey-brown hair, golden yellow eyes like wells of hot caramel and pale sexy features.

(‘Hawt”? Used in a manner that is not ironic? Dear God, what has science done.)

He was tall and mussel and looked like he was wearing eyeliner and my body got hot and cold all at once as I looked at him

(Kinda like an erection, only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko. Wait. I’m 99% sure the author of this is Tara Gilesby.)

I'd never felt this way about anyone before and I'd totally never felt this weird feeling that I'd met someone before but I had no idea where and i knew it was impassible because I'd freaking remember someone THAT hawt!

(There it is again. Does she actually think that’s how the word is spelled?)

A girl sat next to him with long brown hair with her arms dripped over him like a freaking flesh-eating plant

(I actually like that simile.)

so i thought well whatevah, hes taken. She wasn't nearly as hawt as he was, she wasn't ugly though. I figured I was maybe prettier then her.

(Ladies and gentleman, the Sue that tops Bella Swan in pure Sue-ness.)

I never really saw myself as beautiful but i'd guessed from thinks others had said, plus this girl wasn't great looking but anyways I'd never try to pilch with another girls' BF
cause that just low.

(Ladies and gentlemen, we just shifted to ebonics for a second there. Also, “pilch?”)

So I got up to leave the hall thinking I'd go and smoke some bald drugs in the locker room

(As opposed to those hairy drugs, I guess.)

while no one was there. As I waked over to he exit I couldn't help but notice the hawt pale guys musky eyes as they met mine.

(Musky eyes. Ew.)

I locked away (My porn) hurriedly. I smocked dope in the locker room for a bit then I wondered to my next class.

(Oh, you teenagers and your smocking dope.)

I bumped into someone in the corridor and my bocks fell everywhere! FRICK! FRICK! FRIIIICKK!

"WTF!" I screamed loudly,

(Screaming loudly is kinda redundant. Also, she shouted the letters? Not even “preps” do that un-ironically.)

"watch where your FREAKING going you asshole!" (i have anger problems)

(Show, don’t…..oh, what’s the point.)

"I'm so so sorry" he said in a voice like wet heaven "please forgive me my lady"

(“wet heaven” is the best descriptor I have ever read.)

It was the hawt pale guy!

(…..So she consistently spells the word ‘hot’ as ‘hawt’. I’m guessing she’s either a troll, or a troll.)


And that's the first chapter! Comments, insults, critisisms; all are welcome!

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 24 2012, 08:05 AM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #2
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 07:37 AM
Alright, time for chapter two of this fic. God in heaven, please let this be a trollfic.

AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D***

(Why did she censor this, she was saying stuff like “BIATCHES” and “SHIT ON HER FACE” last chapter.)

no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave. Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she's not "perfect"

look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on.

(Alright, I’ve had it. I’m going to keep a “Show, don’t tell” count for the rest of the story. Current SDT count: 1)

Chapter 2 - edward

The anger faded form my sapphire eyes

"whatevah" i said sweatily "I didnt mean to yell and to be ride"

(How do you say something sweatily. And why was she sweaty? Damn, those bald drugs have some weird side-effects.)

"thou are too beuatiful for that" he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.

(DAFUQ. Why is Edward talking like he came out of a really bad reproduction of a Shakespeare play?! Did the author even READ her source material? I mean, I don’t like Twilight, but Edward Cullen is not a hard character to write!)

"I'm Ewdard Cullen" he mermered "who are thee?"

"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa" i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me. I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.

(If his eyes were gold, how could they be like a rainbow? My conclusion: the author is blind.)

"thou reminds me of bygone times" he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand

(“Sorry, I ate the teacher earlier. Sometimes those body parts work their way back up.”)

and brushing my cheek "thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional""



"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn't help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!" I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.

(Again, with the pronouncing of the acronym, what the hell.)

"thee DID notice me then?" he purred with a sly grin. I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex me I could tell,

(‘to sex’ is not a verb in the English language! Also, SDT count: 2)

and suddenly he was kissing me! I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon.

(They did, and Edward greedily drank up her bodily fluids.)

I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top. He stoked my breasts for a few minutes

(A few minutes? She just stood there and let him ‘stoke’ her breasts for a few minutes?)

and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs. And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped

(More dope? I thought she already ‘smocked’ some. Of the bald variety.)

it on the floor. We made out for 10 minutes

(Ten minutes? No change of position, no movement, nothing? That does not sound like a very fufilling make-out session. SDT count: 3, even though I really wouldn’t want her to ‘show’ us.)

and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you? I'd never let a guy kiss me before or touch me

(So the guys who always wanted to make opt with you never actually tried?)

and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death!

(Ew. The coldness thing is just weird. I will never understand the attraction to that.)

I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.

(Well, at least she…My god, I think she’s becoming self aware. SDT count: 4)
-BASTARD! Never touch me again!" i gapsed

"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!" he answered all smug, and I couldn't believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time. At that moment I'd never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties

(AGH, why tell us this!?)

and he NEW it, this was horible! I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.

"Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes

(and killing her. Ah, that gas does wonders.)

"your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?

"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)

(No sixteen year old would use this insult. Not unless they were ten. SDT count: 5)

"thy a CAMPIRE

(Okay, so he has a gaydar? Or is he also a campire? That explains the ‘eyes like peonix feathers and raimbows’.)

tia! a VAMPIRE! BUT WHY CAN'T I READ THOU MIND? I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!"

(So he just reveals his vampirism to this chick he just made out with and has no actual relationship with. Yep, that is something a vampire would do.)

He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red. I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste

(And ate it.)

and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed

(I could go for some ham right now, actually.)

me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall. His face was blunt and right heavy in mine. My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick

(PFFFFFT.)

between his legs and he drubbed

(Drubbed?)

over in pan. I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand

(Is it the same hand he retched out? Because they should clean that up.)

finished with me.

"TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes.

(lulwut)

I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.

"i'm sorry tiaa" he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes

(You can’t see him, there is a shirt over your eyes! STD: 6)

"i didnt mean to rut thee! I'm so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!"

(He has the weirdest way of speaking in this fic.)

"YOUR so frickin weird you mean!" I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling (She probably meant ‘Pimpling”) body. I
wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I'd heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)

(Oh, of course Linkin Park. What else could she be into? The author perpetuates every stereotype, ever. SDT: 7)

and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises

(The unsexiest metaphor ever.)

but i didnt. I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again

(She has a lot of trouble holding books, doesn't she.)

as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)

(Because I assumed she was kidding.)

then I fell over. The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist.

(And she would know what a pervo rapist looks like. SDT: 8)

I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)

(You’d have to pretty much break your pelvis for that to work.)

as he gazed longingly after me. In his frickin dreams.

(Hahaha, you have no idea. Almost made myself vomit typing that.)

I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean.

(It means you’re in a terrible fanfic written worse than the source material, and are a terribly written character within that poorly-written garbage.)

AN what do u think PLEASE R n R?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in!)

(THAT WAS A JOKE? This author has to be a troll!)

LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x

(The rules of capitalization and proper grammar do not apply to this chick. Apparently.)


And there's chapter 2 of 8. Next chapters will be up soon.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 24 2012, 08:09 AM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #3
Max-Vader


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post Feb 24 2012, 07:55 AM
You're pretty good.

Just two things: Dark blue is sometimes a bit hard to read, but maybe that's just me.
You don't need to put your comments in brackets, but if you want to, that's fine.


--------------------
I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
IN ORAL SEEEX
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #4
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 08:00 AM
Thanks for the advice! I'll start using a lighter shade, then.
I have my comments in parantheses because it helps to see where I made the comments when I write it up in Word, and then when I format it before I post. Matter of convienience really.
Thanks for reading the first mock of a newbie

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 24 2012, 08:07 AM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #5
xoxjoanxox


Break free.
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post Feb 24 2012, 12:55 PM
QUOTE
"thy a CAMPIRE


I read that as 'thy a campfire' and suddenly this entire fic got much funnier.

I love your mock so far. I didn't think this could even be ridiculed by someone else, seeing as it's completely retarded on its own.


This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Feb 24 2012, 12:55 PM


--------------------


QUOTE (9/13/2013 3:49:17 PM Max-Vader:)
YOU KNOW NOTHING, JOAN SNOW

QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Feb 5 2014, 05:08 AM) *
I Was the Drink: The Joan Cheng Story

QUOTE (Screaming Soulcatcher)
Joan are you the straightest shota
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Post #6
Paragon


Great Googly Moogly
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post Feb 24 2012, 02:53 PM
Was that an insult, or a compliment? I can't tell.

For the sake of my self-esteem, I'll assume the latter is true. :3

And then I re-read your post, and I failed to realize the wording of it is of a positive tone.
Disregard this post, I suck cocks.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 24 2012, 03:12 PM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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+Quote Post
Post #7
T_K_17


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post Feb 24 2012, 03:07 PM
Pretty good for your first go around. Not sure why you wrapped all your comments in parentheses, but I guess that's your style or something.


--------------------


Mocks:
1. Digiball Z - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 (f)
2. Saiyaman (f)
3. Saiyaman 2 - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12
4. Teen Titans vs Project AFTER - 2 3 (f)
5. Desires Unspoken - Deluxe Special Edition (f)
6. TK versus Birdboy | Fandom | Empire - Part 1
7. Garden of EVA - Sucks Everybody! (f)
8. What is War? - 1 2
9. My Little Unicorn: Star Fleet Magic - 1 2
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Post #8
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 03:07 PM
Alright, here's Chater 3 of this trainwreck.

AN - hi guys hope u like this one im quite proud of it! thanx for the suport from my (Imaginary) frends love u girls!glad u like it! oh an VINCENT ur so dumb of course tiaa didnt go to math in only her bra shes not a total ditz!

(No, I’m pretty sure she went to class in her bra. She never picked up her shirt. This Vincent guy is pretty smart.)

one more time...DONT READ IF U DNT LIKE IT!NO frickin flames what is the POINT of flamin ppl there is NO POINT so f off!

(See there’s this thing about flames; they’re usually made by trolls, so you don’t need to go ballistic when you see them.)

Capter 3 – uncle larry

I sa t alone watching tv at dave and maries house. I couldnt stop thinking about my encounter with Ewdard Cullen earlier that day.

(I think I’ll start calling him “Ewdard” from now on, too.)

He was so beuatifull and sexoy with such amazing hair and eyes I could hardly believe he had notice someone like me! But I was angry at how he had made me feel, how I'd burnt like crimson hot flame wean he touched me and how he'd not listened to me when id' told him to fring off, and how he dared to touch me at all when he had a GF anyways, even if she was a mean girl with an ugly heart and not that hawt. But nomatter how much I try to hate him, I simply couldn't.

(She can’t process emotions more complex than “FUCK OFF PREPS”)

Suddenly the phone (Went out of) range (And I almost killed myself, OMG)

"hello "

"hey, is that altantiana?"

(NO, THIS IS PATRICK.)

"yah who is this?" I aksed.

(“Your worst nightmare”, I growled into the phone.)

"its Mike nooton

(Oh, lord. Another canon character warped by the Mary Sue.)


from your class! I was wondering if your wanted to go to La Plush

(La Plush sounds like a gay furry bar.)

with me too morrow night maybe? Theres a party on the beech

(Beeches love whales.)

with whole crowd of us going and I thought you seemed relay nice so I thought maybe youd want to me my date please? -

"arent you the guy who hangs out with all the pathetic chearleaders and stuff?" I asked

(Hey, I actually know a few cheerleaders. They work hard, and they could probably beat the shit out of you. I don’t see you holding up several girls on your shoulders.)

"you mean bella and jessica's gang?

(I don’t believe Jessica or Bella were cheerleaders in the books. I try to forget I ever read them, really.)

Sometimes I guess but theyr'e way shallow and not as hot as you. And they can be mean sometimes.-"

(Again with the out-of-character canon characters. I recall that Jessica was almost obsessively nice, and Bella was the “Oh, I don’t want all these people being nice to me bluh bluh” bitch. Oh, and really, Nooton? You only care about her hotness?)

“then why do hang out white them then you shallow CREEP!and why are you askin me out when you harely no me mike!

(Because he’s a canon character in a Mary Sue fanfic.)

Cos u think im' hot? Why cant you see your just as shallow if you want to date someone just cost of what they look like - I'm not THAT pretty anyways!

(She really isn’t)

And even if i was, I'm SO screwed up in the bran

(BRAN)

you cant even imagine! u would no want to date me if you new how screwed up I was!”


"I would, tia, beleive me I would! Your so beautiful you cant even imagine. Your so pretty people lose there minds when your around

(Mostly anyone unfortunate enough to read this.)

and forget there names and forget to brethe!

(So she’s killing people with her presence. I’m imagining a classroom full of people who suffocated because of this Sue. Fuck you, becky mac.)
How can't you have noticed that? And I don't CARE how screwed up you are! It only maked you more interesting! Your cool and different and you are honest about stuff! you are right to be angry with me. I'm sorry for benign shallow and dumb just give me a chance to show you how much I care, please? "

(Oh, yep, he’s just going to immediately change his character for this bitch. Let’s list the reasons why she’s likable:



Look at all the reasons!)

"well...ok maybe ill go along if I dont have anything else to do" i said, not believing a word he said about how pretty i was.

(Bitch, you just take the compliment.)

"thank you altantiana thank you so much!" he sounded so happy

(Why? That was the bitchiest acceptance to a date I’ve ever seen. “Yeah, sure ‘ll go out with you if I don’t have anything better to do!” Who the fuck says that and still gets a
date?)


I couldnt help but smile as I put the phone down but my smile faded as I return to my thoughts. Mike Nooton was kinda cute and seemed like an ok guy but he was nothing
next to Ewdard Cullen. Even though I was anger with edward than I have ever been with anyone in my life and part of me wanted to chop his head off with a sore (Ew.), a
part of my soul would all ways remain in that coridoor where we had kissed so hard and passionably (Except this Sue probably has no soul). I creamed myself.

(WHAT THE FUCK. Girl, go see a doctor! You should not be that leaky!!)

My heart had (suffered a massive cardiac arrest.) soared that day like never before, and i new that no one else would ever make me feel like that again, then I thought how
he was a (Campire) cheater and a bastard and my face burnt (Because he shoved my face in the Bunsen Burner during chemistry class.) with shame. I couldn't beleive I had
behaved like such a hore. (I can) I was scared of the affect he had on me.

"bye tiaa! We'll be back on Thursday ok?" mari put her head rind the door suddenly

"Ok then, have fun" I wispered clammily..dave and marie where visiting relatives for a few day.

"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!"

(Egad, characters that have people constantly compliment them are the most interesting characters ever! Also, why the fuck did we changed tenses?)

"omg whatever" I reply. I hated it wen people say that. I pulled my blond hair over my face. I was wearin a short hot pink dress cut low with black lace frills at the bottom
and black lace stocking.

(That sounds hideous.)

"daves brother larry will be looking after you wile where gone you'll be ok when where gone wont you tiaa? I hate to leaven you alone like this!"

"i don't need a freakin babysiter u no!" i was so embarasing, I could look after myself!

(And yet, you have an understanding of the English language like that of a five year old’s. And yes, she is embarrassing.)

Marie smiles and leaves the house.

"greeting a;latnaniana my names uncle larry" said uncle larry, he came in threw the door he was fat and bald with tiny black eyes and a red face

(2 guesses as to where this is going: Rape, or repeated rape.)

"Hey - i said

"your the orphan arent you" he says "is it true you kiled your mother when she gave birth to you?"

(Well, if you want to get technical…she kinda did.)

"Wat!" I cry, my eyes filling with tears

"your an evil bich arent u? Go outsite and wash my car" he shouts angerly

(Lolwut.)

I stood up and left to wash his car. I got soap and a bucket, afraid of what he would do if I refuzed. I went outside and started to wash hush car it was a red porche. He came
outside and wached me and I new he was waching me!

(Which is why you stated that he was watching you. And we have changes tensed again.)

After a minite he came over and hit me hard across the face

(Thank you, Uncle Larry.)

"wft!" i shouted

(He hit her so hard, she didn’t even say the acronym right!)

He poored the bucket of water all over me and hit me again,. I was wet and crying and he started to rip my dress and bra of me and rip my clothes. He touched my naked
breats and I try to push him off me I screamed at him to stop but he did'nt.

(Rapists usually won’t listen if you tell them to stop. If they did, they wouldn’t be rapists, I guess.)

He bent me over the bonet of his car and spanked me on the ass for half an hour then he pulled my panties down and started to rape me!

"stop raping me!"

(Because that's a normal response to being raped.)

I cry but he didnt stop! The pain was terrible even tough his manhood was small. I cryed and cryed but he didnt stop for hours

(say what you will about his size, but Uncle Larry has some crazy stamina.)

and when he finally stopped he left me on the floor and spat in my face and left me there.

(Paging the department of redundancy department.)

I pulled on my clothes and cryed madly and ran off into the seething darkness of the midnight street.

(Wait, she put on her shredded clothes back on? Smart…)

I ran and ran un till I came to some woods and then I fell down in the woods and cryed.

Suddenly a blast of white light exploded in head (And killed the sue.) and my mark on my hand burned like a flame. I closed my eyes and saw the face of a tall white man looking over me with no expression, his eyes were burning red and his face glimmered cold and bright as the moon,. I fell back from the brightness of his body, his hair was
dark as night,.

"atlantiana?" he whisperd in a voice softer than clouds -my daughter?-

(Clouds aren’t soft. They’re water vapor, so they’re damp and cold.)

"omg" I whisperd as my mind went blank

(More blank than before…how is that possible? DOH-HO-HO.)

and the world went dark.

And there's chapter three. Four should be up later today.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #9
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 03:09 PM
QUOTE
Not sure why you wrapped all your comments in parentheses, but I guess that's your style or something.


I do that to differentiate between the story's text and my comments' text when I type up the mock in Word, and then when I format it here. It just seems kind of a pain to get rid of 'em at that point, I guess.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #10
xoxjoanxox


Break free.
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post Feb 24 2012, 05:52 PM
QUOTE
"you look so pretty" she says, smiling -your the prettiest gril i've ever seen!"


"Have, because I'm going to kill you right now."

It's funny because Twilight is already basically a Mary-Sue fanfic. Now Tit-iania is just trying to out-sue the Sue.


--------------------


QUOTE (9/13/2013 3:49:17 PM Max-Vader:)
YOU KNOW NOTHING, JOAN SNOW

QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Feb 5 2014, 05:08 AM) *
I Was the Drink: The Joan Cheng Story

QUOTE (Screaming Soulcatcher)
Joan are you the straightest shota
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Post #11
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 06:06 PM
Chapter four time! When we last left off, Atlantintianawhogivesashit had just beem raped by her uncle, Larry. Let's see what drama unfurls in this installment of this riveting fic!

AN = No flames pls, theres no point!if u dnt like my story dnt read it, its as simple as that! btw atlantiana is NOT marisue be cause look she is NOT perfect and not everyone in the stiry likes her!

(Yes, they do.)

she has problems (Like her fashion sense.)

and she has flaws and shes UNHAPPY would u like her life?i no i wouldnt, its totally tragic and horible.

(Well, yeah, I wouldn’t my life to be filled with poorly written rape, either.)

u flamers arent even makin sense1

(They probably are, she just can’t understand any review that doesn’t say “OMG so good, write moar or I kill u! Teeheee~~lol”)

Chapter 4 - la push

I sat quitely on the la push beech apart form the party that was going on beside me. Mike Nooton was following me round like a pulpy



and he was so borin! None of the things he had to say were interesting but I was nice to him because he wasnt a bad guy. My thoughts were elsewhere (In Canada.) - i could'nt stop thinking about the events of last night, when uncle larry had raped me and I had had my scary vision in the forest and a tall p[ale guy in my mind had cale me his daughter. I didnt understand any of I (Because they all spoke in relatively normal English.) felt so so awful that I had been rapped by that hideous pervy SICKO (Eminem) when I had bin saving myself for the right guy and for marriage and my virginity was torn from my grasp by that twisted guy, it was so crule and unfair, it made me want to cry

(Okay, one little question…WHY THE FUCK HAVEN’T YOU GONE TO THE POLICE YET? You got raped! And he let you leave the house! Why aren’t you going to the police.)

"omg MIKE watt are you doing talkin to HER?" I turned round and saw four nasty faces learing at us. It was the chearleaders I had seen in the cafetearia, and one of them was the girl dateing Ewdard Cullen

(Bella wasn’t a cheerleader in canon. Oh, who the fuck cares at this point, we have an Edward butchering Ye Olde English in this fic, why wouldn’t we have Cheerleader!Bella Swan.)

, the brown hare girl who was standing at the back looking moody but not saying anything

(And the author just nailed the character of Bella Swan. Amazing.)

"Stop being mean Jessica" mike said angerly "tiaas' awesome and if you can't see that its just you bein blind and shallow and stupid like your all ways are"

"yah I mean look at her clothes, she looks like a stupid goth biaach with her slutty top and short skirt and fithnet tights

(She looks like Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way, for fuck’s sake!)

is she a RAT HOOKER

(I knew it! She’s a furry!)

or what?" Jessica screamed. She was realy ugly when she shouted even though she was technology

(She’s an android? Author, you know you can do what other authors do when they want to rape canon: call the story an AU)

a hot chick and was dressed in skimpy pink clothes.

(Does everyone in this story dress like a slut?)

"you no what Jess, you and YOur frends are SO shallow and YOU are the real slut! you and bella and angela and laruen may were short skirts and low cut tops an stuff
(Exactly like Altantiaitianiania does!) but that doesnt maek u beautiful! Its watt underneath that counts!" mike shouted

(I think I should be learning an Aesop here, but…Ah, nope. Nothing was learned.)

"yah, speakin of witch" said a sly blond girl in the gang who was called lauren, pointing at me "watts with her breasts, they are huge, I bet they are fake!

(They probably are! Unless, as hypothesized before, all her caloric intake was subsequently stored in her breasts. And we all know that’s how the body distributes fat!)

- she laughed and her friends all laughed too even bella and angela who had been quiet until then.


I got up and pushed past them and ran away into the darkness.

(CRAWWWWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIN)

I cold hear them all laughing at me and i felt so embarrased I was relay sensitive about the waste

(Aw, look, the Mary Sue is sensitive about poop. How adorable.)

I looked I hated the fact that it made all girls hate me and all guys stare at me, I would have given anything to be ugly or just inviable.

(When will all the persecution against the inherently beautiful end?!)

I wasnt stuck up and didnt think I was beta

(Well, this fic certainly didn’t have a beta, if that’s what she meant.)

than anyone else because of how I looked I just wanted people to treat me like a normal person! I could'nt help being slim and blond with relay big boobs it wasnt my fault I hadnt done anything wrong!

(SO BEAUTIFUL IT’S A CURSE.)

-are u ok?" said someone from beside me

"who arr you?" i asked.

(“YEARGH! My name be One-Eye Redbeard, the Peg-Legged! Prepare to die, pathetic wench!”)

3 realy pretty goth girls were standing there smilin at me and I smiled back

-we are tyffani, abigaille and rochelle" they said smiling

(They all spoke at once? That’s more cheerleader-like than anything!!)

"you seem cool, do you want to be our freinds?"

(“YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.”)

"ya of course, i'm just a bit meloncolly cause those horrible chearleaders were bein mean jerks and saying my boobs were fake” (Which they are, incidentally.) i said

"omg, u mean jessica and bellas gang? They hate us too because we dont care what they think" said tyfanni "they are just jealous cause youre the prettiest girl in the school now and theyre all plain next to you but we dont care about stuff like that, we only care about peoples personalities "

(“They’re jealous because you’re prettier, but we don’t care or take not of stuff like that, no sir.” Hypocrisy runs rampant in this here fic.)

"cool" I said, and we talked for hours

(Hours? God, what is with this girl’s sense of time? People don’t do things like talk for HOURS, or make out for TEN MINUTES STRAIGHT. I guess the author is just slow. Ba dum tish.)

I talked to tyfanni, rochelle and abigail for hours

(Paging the Department of Redundancy Department…again. Oh, and this whole paragraph brings up the SDT count to at least 11.)

and they were so cool. I'd never had proper freinds before

(Probably because you’re an ungrateful bitchy little bitch.)

who didnt care watt i looked like or where I came from they just liked me for me, and I liked them cause they were uber cool

(Stop telling us they’re cool! Fucking show it! I mean, I have no faith in this girl’s writing skills, but for God’s sake, she just stated the same fucking thing three times in the same paragraph.)

and we had loads of stuff in common!

(SDT count: who gives a shit, it’s going to be over one hundred by the time we finish the fic.)

But after a while they all went home and I stayed on the beech. It was getting late but I didnt want to go home to uncle larry in case he raped me on his car again.

(Or, you know, you could just tell a reasonable authority figure, LIKE THE POLICE.)

Soddenly I heard a voice from behind me.

(“Time to die, sue.”)

"well tiaa, thou seem to be causing quite a stir at school" his voice was smooth and sexoy and from another time. Edward.

"what do you mean!" I demanded

"basically every gay at school wants to have sex with thee

(Holy shit, she turns the gay men straight. Can’t imagine how, though. I think most men would rather go after men after meeting this chick.)

, and every girl wants to eat thee alive for it, hows that for causing a stir my lady?" he smiled and kissed my neck.

(Edward Cullen, ladies and gents.)

"shut up jerk! Btw

(Alright, I’m going to confess to something here, I imagine all of Atlantiana’s dialogue in a vally girl voice.)

I met youre girlfriend before, bella I think her name is! I dont like her or anything, but how the hell can u cheat on her like that and kiss me how u did? Its sick ur a cheatin bastard and i should tell everyone.

(So she’s willing to tell about some stupid high school drama, but NOT about her uncle raping her. Priorities, people.)

Tyfanni told me you and bella are like the schools golden couple or something, watt would happen if I told ppl how you had acted in that corridoor with me?"


"OMG SWEET LADY!

(PFFFFFFFFT. What the shit.)

THY MUST NOT TELL ANYONE! " he screamed "it was a moment of madness thats all! Im so so sorry for watt happened,i hope thine can forgive me,

(That’s not how the word ‘thine’ works.)


but ive promised myself to bella and thats just how it is, no matter how much thou intrests me"

(Well, dude, it’s not like you married the chick. Breaking up seems like a logical solution and, oh what’s the point. This is a story where people don’t call the police over a rape, why the hell would anyone else be thinking logically.)

"fine, then stay away from me " I shouted as I left to go home but he followed me and grabbed me and pushed me down on the grind. (killing her.)
I was burning with anger and fury but I wanted him so deafly

(As opposed to blindly, or mutely, or tastelessly, which I find the most fitting.)

i didnt even try to resist him.

(Mostly because she didn’t hear him due to her apparent deafness.)

He new how much i wanted him and it drove me mad. He put his hands inside my panties and i gasped. I was soddenly desperate to sex with him

(Ahahahaha! I love this girl’s use of ‘sex’ as a verb and not a noun.)

and i tore my clothes off

(Really, again with the tearing off of clothing? You are going to run out of clothes, you dipshit.)

and i was in my underwear. I took off my bra and showed him my naked heaving beasts.

(Naked…heaving…beasts. There are no words.)



I imagine she had a picture of Beast tatooed on both her boobs.
"have sex with me now edward " I whispered

(FINALY! She used the word correctly. Now for some poorly written sex!)

" i cant " he said, although his body was on top of mine and his fingers touched my nipples

(You can just say he touched your breasts. No need to clarify that he’s using his fingers. Because of the specification, Edward has tentacles in addition to the fingers. In my head, anyway.)

"please, i'm begging you" I said, hating myself for being such a dirty hore but unable to control my burning desire

(She really is a dirty hore, isn’t she.)

-NOOOO!" he shouted and ran away crying.

(Our male lead, ladies and gentlemen.)

I put my clothes back on

(How? You ripped them off. They’d be torn, you idiot.)

slowly feeling so ashamed and embarased i could hardly move. I could'nt beleive i had begged him to do sex on me

(And we’re back to the nebulous use of the word sex.)

and even worse he had said no! I went home and uncle larry made me cook his dinner and suck his cock (*Spit take* Holy shit, that came, pun unintended, out of nowhere!) while he ate his food and then he raped me and hit me with a shoe all night and i didnt even complain cos i felt like i deserved it for being such a horrible slut

(dafuq. Nobody deserves to be raped and beaten, not even horribly written sues! Okay, maybe Mary Sues deserve it.)

even though it made me want to die inside.

(Can you die on the outside, too, please?)

Uncle larry finally left me alone and I thought about (How terrible this fanfiction was) killing myself as i cryed and cryed as i fell slowly into a dreamless sleep.

(Wait, wasn’t Uncle Larry beating you with a shoe ALL NIGHT? I wouldn’t be able to sleep if some douche was beating me up with a shoe.)

(Gotta love the sheer stupidity of this fic. Reminds me why I both love and hate the Twilight fandom.)

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 24 2012, 06:24 PM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #12
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 06:17 PM
QUOTE
Now Tit-iania is just trying to out-sue the Sue.


It's funny because already she out-titted Bella in every way and out-prettied her, which is the one thing a Mary Sue MUST do to canon heroes.
Any Sue worth their salt will invariably be better looking than the main cast, and everyone will comment on it. A good Sue will always deny the compliments, perhaps even rage about how shallow someone is. I imagine this results from most fanfiction writers (In the Twilight fandom, anyway) being teenage girls who have never been called 'pretty' by anyone other than their parents.

That's just the way the Internet works, I suppose.


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #13
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 08:03 PM
Chapter Five, here we go.

AN - can i have some reveiws pls?

(NO. Bad author! Only good writers get reviews!)

Chapter 5 - the talent contest

(Oh, wonderful. Gee, I wonder how Atlantiana will be involved with this. I’m just on the edge of my seat in anticipation of witnessing the pinnacle of talent and skill that is Atlantiana Rebekah Loren.)

It was a week later and I felt like I was slowly dying inside.

(Mostly because a parasite had worked its way inside, and was currently eating her from the inside. Oh, how I wish.)

My life had crumbled into pieces and I was alone in the horrible darkness of my mind. the four chearleaders had folowed me a round school

(They had all the same classes as her?)

and been mean to me for the last week making fun of my clothes and my purple streaked blond hair and saying i was too slim and that i had boobs like a pron star. It relay upset me.

(Just hit them with your heaving beasts, Tiaa!)

and also uncle larry had taken my clothed off and rapped me

(Phresh, for shizzle.)

loads of times last week and even though dave and marie were back home now every time they went out to different places they left me with him and he hit me and made me sleep with was so horrible I wanted to die every time it happened.

(Wait, they never came home early enough to catch this guy in the act? And why the hell hasn’t she called the police yet?)

Edward Culen stared at me whenever he saw me at school but i just anchored him and (shouted, “Heave ho, me hearties”) pretended he wasnt there i was so embaresed about watt had hapenned and I hated him for the way he made me feel and the fact that he was a cheater and an ass. I would probably have ended my life that week

(So, why didn’t you? I’m sure we all would have liked it if you had.)

if it hadnt been for my lovley new freinds abbigaille rochelle and tyfanni, who were all totally cool and helped me fight off the evil chearleaders

(Can we get some empirical evidence attesting to the ‘coolness’ of the three goffs who speak in unison? If not, they are not technically ‘cool, as you have given nothing to support that.)

- i hadnt told my freinds aboit uncle larry and ewdard

(WHY THE HELL NOT?)

but it was nice to have some peopel who liked me anyways. I sat in the cafeteira with them at lunch

"hey tiana are you doing the talent contest tonite?" rochelle asked me

(No talent show hosted at a school would have people just talking about entering the day of. You needed to audition like everyone else, you stupid Sue.)

"no way im not good enough!" i said shyly

(Ugh, of course we have the whole “I’m super duper talented but I don’t want to show off. Tee hee, aren’t I sooooo humble??? :3” Go fuck yourself, Sue.)

"omfg are you kidding! yor a AMAZIN singer your the best iv'e ever heard, no joke!" shouted abbigaile

(Oh, good old off-screen traits. Gotta love when authors don’t bother to take the time to flesh out their characters.)

"thank you but your just being nice, im' not THAT good an even if i was i wouldn't perform. I mean i hardly want to contract more attension to myself than i already have,

(Even if it’s positive attention, given that you’re soooooo talented. Mught help shake off the cheerleaders calling you a ‘pron star’.)

the whole school is all ready talking about me saying watt a freak i am. I just wanna be an average person"

(Ah, yes, the curse of being too awesome.)

"come on tiaa you HAVE to do it!" tyffanie said, "jessica and bella and the chearleaders win every time with there dumb dance routine it is so annoying, they arent even talented someone needs to teach them a lesson hun!"

(Yep, the cheerleaders, who can likely form human pyramids, are untalented.)

"I dunno maybe" I plimpled

(You’re just making up words now, aren’t you, author?)

mutely but I had no intension of actually doin it.

Later on me and my freinds sat in the crowd and wached the contest. The chearleaders did there dance ruotine and they werent that awesome,

(Spoken by someone who is probably jealous.)

they were just wearing slutty cloths so all the guys could stare at them and cause they were popular no one was allowed to say they sucked. At the end bella ran into edwards arms and I felt flames of jelusy burning up inside me.

(That could just be indigestion.)

they kissed for a long time and although he looked at me the whole time

(AGH, that’s so creepy!!!)

i still wanted to cry and scream.

(So she did, at which point she was stabbed to death by the people sitting next to her.)

The principal caked up (Wut.) on the stage and said

(“This story sucks, let me out of here!”)

"and now for our final act...atlantiana rebeckah loren!" everyone looked at me and I was shocked

"omfg who put my fringing name down for this!" I screamed

"who knows girl just get up there !" abbie pushed me towards the stage and I went up there.

I sang total eclipse of the heart (punkrock verson so it wasnt sappy and lame or anythin!0

(What, really. Is she serious. She can’t be serious. Okay, so there is such a version, but it really isn’t that good. She can’t be serious. If she posts the lyrics, I’m going to flip a table.)

and everyone watched me. I was embarased at first but everyone semed to be enjoying themselves (exept the chearleaders who looked totally mad!LOL)

(Why are people enjoying themselves. This song is terrible.)

so I sang louder and louder and my voice soared higher than ever was like magic.

(I’m pretty sure singing louder doesn’t equate to singing better. Oh, look, incoming costume porn.)

I was waering a purple lacy top cut low enough that you could see my bra and a black skirt and purple fishnets and spiky black heels.

(I would love to see how long somebody wearing this shit would last without getting either reprimanded, insulted, or raped. Probably five seconds.)

the song finished and everyone looked happy

(Because it was over.)

and clangled
(Clangled. She probably misspelt ‘strangled’, because that’s what I would have done.)

at me and i went blushing to sit on my friends

(She just sat ON her friends. Nice.)

"remind me to kill wichever one of you beeches put my name down for this!-" i said but i was smiling

"LOL" shouted rochelle "it wasnt us you no!"

(But Rochelle was lying, and later murdered Atlantianijkldatiothisauthorisatroll in her sleep before she could kill her and her other friends.)

"and the winner is...ATLANTIANA REBECKAH LOREN! " the principal screamed extatically.

(Oh, of course, who else could it be.)

I went back up onto the stage and shock his hand and everyone appladed me and screamed my name except for jessica and bella who looked like they were about to kill me, lmfao. My eyes strayed to where edward stood gazing baldly at me. I all most fainted right then at the sight of him looking so hawt and gorgeous. I dnt think anyone else had noticed but he had a MASSIVE erection it was so hawt and sexoy.

(What the hell. How did no one else notice a MASSIVE erection.)

I saw bella and jessica storming out of the room angry that i had won, and I smiled.

Later on i walked home happily, then a car purred up beside me. It was ewdard!

(Edward was a car? A cat car?)

"get in the car i'll drive thee home sweet lady" he said in his beautiful old fashioned speech.

(It really isn’t)

I did as he told me without knowing were quiet for a minite

(Wait, what didn’t she know? That she got in his car? That things were quiet? Either way, that’s freaking stupid.)

"you were awesome tonight, you have a stunning voice like silk and satin in the moonlight.

(What the fuck does that even mean? That wouldn’t make any kind of a sound!)

You looked beyond beautiful up on that stage, like an old painting in a church.

(Do I need to repost the hideous old lady painting?)

i wanted to charge right at u and kiss thine lips right there" he still had a huge erection and i wanted to touch it so badly but i didnt.

(He still had a boner? You know what they say about erections lasting longer than four hours, right?)

"i think BELLA might have had somethin to say about that!" i snapped "where is she neway?"

"at home sulking cause she lost the contest and had a total hissy fit and cryed for hours because thee was better than her in the contest"

(Again with the massive lack of temporal understanding.)

"how mature" I said sacastically. At that moment edward pulled his car to the side of the road and looked me in the touched my hand and I slapped him hard in the face

(He then slapped her with his MASSIVE erection.)

'YOU WILL NEVER TOUCHE ME AGAIN U SICKO!#"

(Hey, you leave fencing out of this! You aren’t cool enough!)

I wailed and kept hitting him in the face and chest "last week I fuckin BEGGED u to sex on me

(Sex ON you? Different strokes, I guess. Disgusting pun unintended.)

and you turned me down! I have never been so humilated in all my frickin LIFE!

(Being turned down by a guy with erectile malfunctions is MORE embarrassing than being raped repeatedly by your uncle?)

Watt the hell is wong with u? One mimite your all over me and the next its like i dnt even exist! dnt fuckin touch me. EVERR!"

"its complecated tiaa my lady. Im sorry i hurt thine feelings. Its just i cant resist thee, but i cant be with thy either. I never ment to drag thou into this mess, its not thee fault i totally ruin everything. Im so SO SORRY. IM DESPISABLE!"

(That whole speech was just. Holy God. Edward has become this anachronism of English failure.)

"its me or her "i said bluntly

"i cant make that choice tiaa - he wept

(I don’t recall Edward ever crying in the books. Don’t vampires have like, no body fluids or something? Meaning, no tears?)

"you are going to have to!"

"first thee have to tell me who thou relay are!" he said "who were thy parents?what are thee?"

(“A terribly-written sue in an even more terrible fanfiction.)

"my mom died when I was bored,

(That right there, is some fantastic writing.)

I never new my father. Thats it." i said

"we BOTH no thats not the full story. Your a vampire, like me"

-omfg i'm NOT a frickin vampire! I think id have noticed u total dipshit"

(Yeah, really.)

"you don't drink human blood"- he asked

(That’s a stupid question. If she was a vampire, she’d have to drink human blood. That how vampires work!! And no, animal blood does NOT count, Smeyer!!)

"i dont drink any blood u asshole. Is this ur idea of a joke, cos no ones laughing!" i got out of the car and ran away feeling insulted.i didnt want to see that stupid hawt jerk ever again! I went home. But i couldnt get rid of the memory of his sharp erection

(Um, gives a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘penetration.’ Also OWWWWW.)

and deadly cold body. i cut myself and went to sleep in tears.

(And you deserved to, you piece of shit.)


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #14
Paragon


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post Feb 24 2012, 08:03 PM
There is nothing in this post, because I'm stupid and don't know how to delete it.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 25 2012, 10:01 AM


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QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #15
Paragon


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post Feb 25 2012, 09:59 AM
Because I know everyone who read this is so riveted by the tale of Edward and Atlantitanatit, here's Chapter 6.

AN - dnt all just attack me for the things writen in this chapter about Tiaas parents, i havent explaned everything yet an it will make more sense later.

(Well, if you’re just going to tell us what happens in the chapter, why am I even reading this?! Oh, that’s right, to make fun of it.)


Chapter 6 - the curse (Of having to read this schlock.)

Oh ewdard with your skin so white
Your eyes like amber out of sight
Pale angel in my eyes
Hair like gold rosy sunrise-

(*Vomits* That was the shittiest poem I’ve ever read. I was writing better poems in eighth grade for the love of God.)
[/color]I read the words of my poem out quietly. (And then she vomited, too.)
I had written a poem about Edward,
(Because she hasn’t specified what Edward, I’m assuming Edward V.)
i just couldnt help myself. I hated myself for doing it (So do I) but i couldnt get him (off)
out of my mind and it was the only way i could deal with my feelings. Soddenly my mind went blank

(Oh, I’m sure that occurs with alarming regularity.)

and i felt into a trance. A tall pale man stood in front of me all ghosty and misty like he was only half there.

(Kinda like how she's only half-there. Ba dum tish.)

"my daugher? My daughter?" he moaned

"who are you?" i wispa quietly

(He just called you his daughter! What the hell else could he be but your father, you little twit?)

"i am your FATHER! I AM CAIUS FROM THE VOLTURI!

(What the fuck. That’s not…it’s impossible for vampires to sire children!! Unless he had her before he was turned into a vampire, which would mean Atitiana is over a century old. Vampires are dead! Goddammit, author, you are really trying to irritate the readers on purpose now, aren’t you?!)

Your in terror and peril my daugher! Beware the vampire boy called edward!"

"why?" I said

(“Because he’s been written even worse than he was in canon!”)

"you mussent let him sex you or the curse your mother tried to protect you from will fall on you...you'll become a VAMPIRE!

(I don’t think we’ll have a problem with that. His sharp erection is off-putting enough. Oh, and no, having sex with a vampire does not turn you into one. I didn’t know it was possible for someone to have a worse understanding of how vampires worked than Smeyer, but here she is.)

And you will never be safe! Only as a human can you be safe from them..."

(Safer than being a vampire? Unless they’re vampire hunters, Smeyerpires have literally NOTHING to worry about EVER.)

then he faded and I was awake and uncle larry was standing at my door.

(Heeeeeere’s LARRY!)

"take ur clothes off now you moldy slut!"

(Well, the insult has character, I’ll give it that.)

said uncle larry and he smiles horribly with his yellow teeth

"no i wont" i screamed but uncle larry came over and hit me. I was strong for my size but he was a huge fat man like 300 pounds in weight and stronger than me. He took my clothes off and chained me to the bed. I new he was going to rape me again. But at that moment someone came running into the room and hit uncle larry across the head with a stick and knocks him out cold. Uncle larry laid there bleeding and i looked up at...(.............................Voldemort!) EDWARD!

(Why did Edward need to use a stick? He’s a vampire with their oh-so-amazing SMEYERPIRE SUPERSTRENGTH.)

"omg my sweet lady" he cried! "what has this frightful asshole been doing to thee?"

(I believe that was the strangest anachronism I have ever seen. That being said, PFFFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

"he's been raping me and hitting me" i weeped sadly as edward unchained me and i put my clothes on. Edward turned away whale I dressed so he wasnt perving on me,

(Why? He’s already had his fingers on your naked heaving beasts. He is way beyong the point of being at risk of 'perving' on you.)


and he looked down at the poem I had wroten.

("Wroten." This author has no understanding of the English language. Dyslexia or not, that is not how you conjugate verbs, dear God.)

"for truth!these are the most beautiful words I have ever seen, it makes me feel so very (Nauseous.) moved" he cried

(Dude must not have read any good poems in his century long life.)

"i wish i wasnt promised to someone else then i could write poems for thee"

"why are u promised to bella anyways" i ask

" Be cause i made a promise and i cant' break it, it would be rude and ungentalmanly.

("so why can't we go out, mr. hot erection man?" "because" "k." Brilliant, beautiful dialogue, that.)

Bella never used to be like she is now,when i fist met her
she was sweet and shy and was never nasty about everybody but she has changed and so have her freinds. I dont know watt made her change, maybe it is mine fault,

(Actually it's probably the author's fault for trying to include canon in her little fap-fantasy fic.)

she just seems angry all the time now."

"Yah that makes sense I guess" i said.

(What, no it doesn’t!)

We left the house and went to walk in the woods. We talked about loads of things and it turned out we had a lot in comnon. We liked all the same music and movies and books and stuff, it was like magic.

(Because when looking for a significant other, always make sure they have the exact same interests as you. You want to be dating yourself, basically. If you have a twin, all the better.)

"you know maybe bella is unhappy be cause you guys are not in love like u used to be, and u should brake up with her so she can move on and your can both be happy" i say

"she all ways used to say that shed kill herself if I left her. I could not be responsable for her death!

(*Spit take* that’s actually kind of smart! What the hell, that’s actually pretty clever! Smartest thing said in the fic, althought that isn't saying much, and my standards are pretty low for this thing.)


I just don't get what has happened to her she used to be nice and sweet like thou my lady. And now i am falling in love with thou and it is all such a darn mess!"

(Forget what I said earlier, this author is an idiot. "Consarn it, it's all just one big 'ol goshdurn mess.")

He hit a tree in frustration and it broke. He was so strong, i guess cause he was a vampire.

"your falling in love with me?" i ask, my cheeks going all red and my heart starting to sore

"omg, forget I said that!" he looked relay embarassed and it was so cute. He had a big erection too.

(Guys aren’t cute unless they have a constant, unceasing boner when talking to people. Remember that, people. And God, how I love the author’s skillful blending of modern lingo with the English semantics of old.
/sarcasm.)


I retched out

(I did, too.)

and grabbed his hard throbbing male object. We couldn't controll ourselves any more and we both fell down on the floor and got naked and made love. It was amazing and lasted hours

(God almighty! Do all males in this story have insane stamina like that? Does anyone even WANT to have sex for HOURS?)

and I had never been so happy in my life

(Sex: the most fufilling thing you can do with your life.)

i felt like i coud die with happines.

(So she did, and all the readers wept with joy, their only regret was that she didn’t die in a more horrible fashion.)

But after a while edward started to freak out and cry.

(God, Edward is a pussy.)

"I HAVE BEEN SUCH A FOOL!" he screamed "i should not have let that hapen! I hope thee can forgive me, i must return to Bella!" and he ran away.

I could not believe it. It was like my world was caving in all about me.i was so socked



and angry i could not even cry or scream. But as i lay there i started to fell diferent, like RELAY diferent.

(That might just be heartburn.)

I suddenly remembed watt my father had said to me about not making sex with edward or he woud turn me into a vampire! My skin was getting all hard

(She’s turning to stone! Yes!)

and pale and my eyes could suddenly see a lot clearer than before! I could hear lots of little noises even form relay far away.

(The noises were as follows: “this story sucks, go kill yourself, for the love of fuck, nobody wants you on this planet.” The noises were ignored.)

I even wanted to drink blood!and i could smell a human comin closer, he was almost here

"There you are you horrid SLUG!" it was uncle larry "where have u been? I'm goin to rape u now!"

(I’m gonna rape you now, k? No rapist ANNOUNCES their intent to rape! Also, he’s going to rape a slug? I mean, they’re in the forest, but I don’t think Washington has many native slug species.)


Something in me snaped.



I jumped at him and broke his neck and drank his blood! i had always ben strong for my size but now i was SUPER strong!He looked so surprised and it was so GOOD! Soon i dropped him on the floor and he was...
(……………………………………….Dumblydore!)
dead!

(And there’s chapter 6. Two more after this one.)

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 25 2012, 11:43 AM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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+Quote Post
Post #16
Paragon


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post Feb 25 2012, 06:42 PM
(Second to last chapter here. And a head’s up: this is the one where it gets weird. If you thought it was weird before, then, hoo boy, you ain’t seen nothing yet.)

thanx for the revews!

Chapter 7 - Surprises!

(Ooh, I hope the fic gets better in this chapter!! Ah, that’s too much to hope for, isn’t it?)

I woke up sheepishly and wandered where I was for a minute. I got out of bed,

(Wait, wait, wait, were they in the woods? “We left the house and went to walk in the woods.” And then she never stated they went back home! She has a bed in the woods, apparently.)

wandering if all the things that had hapened to me last night were just a dream.

(I feel the same way about this fic, funnily enough.)

I went downstairs for breakfast and sat down with Dave and Marie. THey look at me and smiles adoringly.

(And they stared at her like that for the rest of breakfast, plotting her gruesome murder.)

"wow tiaa i love your new hair and contat lenses, your look so beautiful!" said marie with her face all bright and happiness. (Because this little orphan bitch would die on this day.)

I got up and look in a mirror. Holly shite! I looked totally diffrent!

(She looked like that ugly old lady painting. No, I’m not putting it up again, it’s hideous.)

For the first time I could see my face was truely beautiful, it was even prettier than before.

(Not narcissism at all!)

My eyes were a weird silver color

(Aren’t fresh new Smeyerpires supposed to have red eyes?)

like wet pools of noble moonlight

(Goddammit, I really like the sound of ‘noble moonlight’! now I will never be able to use it because this fucking fapfest used it first!)

in distant medows

(Wouldn’t the word ‘meadows’ imply the color green?)

,and my ivory gold hair seemed to shimmer like the suns burned rays in the morning, with the purple streaks shining like neon lilac.

(Gag me. Please.)

I was radiant and magical and looked awesome.

(While she was busy staring at herself in the mirror, Marie and Dave snuck up behind her and drove a stake in her heart.)

My skin was even more pale than before and my features more delicate and queen-like, my nose was small and dashing

(*Snickers*)

and my cheeks were high and pale and my chin was soft but majestic.

(MAJESTIC CHINS.)

I was amazed. Suddenly the phone rang and nuked me

(WHOOOO! Thank God!)

out of my silent staring. Dave answered it.

(“Damn it, Mr. President, she’s still alive! The nukes did nothing!”)

"what? oh my god! Your kidding! This is inconsideratable!" and he hung up

"whats happened honey?" Marie asked smiling

"uncle larry is died, it looks like he was ripped apart by a wild beast! I feel so sad! he was my brother"

(I recall his neck was broken. And his blood sucked out. That wouldn’t look like an animal mauled him. Oh, that’s right, the police in Forks are inept, I remember now.)

I suddenly remembered what I had done, and i screamed and ran to school.

(And she screamed the entire way there, providing a hilarious mental image.)

I felt so awful and giulty for what I had done! I new uncle larry was a perv and a racist

(Okay, okay, when did he ever say anything remotely rascist? Funny how she mentions his racism and not, you know, the multiple rapes.)

and even thou he had raped me and tied me up and spanked me and made my life hell I still shoudnt have killed him!

(Nope, you should have let him rape you. Don’t bother with the self defense. What the fuck is this fic.)

I was going to explode with guilt.

(And then she did, and the guilt rained down from the heavens as I gleefully danced in the downpour.)

i ran through the forest towards the school but suddenly a large thing appeared in front of me. it was a bear - a big panda bear! it was huge and fluffy and realy cute, but I
was scared as this was a totally weird thing to happen.

(In case anybody is still having trouble understanding that, a GIANT FUCKING PANDA BEAR JUST CAME OUT OF NOWHERE.)

"greetings atlantaina!" it said - i was totally freaked out - since when did panda bears live in Forks? And since when did they SPEAK? I was totally confused

(I am, too.)

"WTF?" i screamed!

(Gotta love how she rages against the preppies, and then turns around and uses acronyms in normal speech.)

"I'm a panda bear, my name is Snooflanti-tatuna but you can call me Snoofles."

(Holy shit, this is happening, right? Like, I’m not the only one who just read that, right?)

"A talking PANDA BEAR?" i shouted furiusly

"I cannot talk like humans can, but your not human anymore so you can understand me.

(Because vampires and humans speak different languages?)

You can talk to animals. You probably have other powers too you just don't know it yet"

(Oh, of course, why wouldn’t she have more powers besides animal communication? Just that alone would be lame, she needs other powers in addition to it.)

"like watt?" i said

"I dunno, touch that tree" said Snoofles, smiling at me. I touched the tree and consentrated hard and even though it was winter the tree suddenly started to bloom huge
bunches of flowers. The flowers cascadad down like a river onto the bare forest floor.

(That’s not how gravity works.)

i took my hand away in horror.

(She’s terrified of anything prettier than her.)

The flowers were so beautiful they made me think of edward.

(Flowers, feminine and delicate things, remind you of your fuck-buddy. That’s great, kid, really great.)

then i remembered how he had left me after we had made love, and i became angry. I touched another tree and it burst into flames. It was as if the trees turned into things
that somehow reflected how I was feeling!

(Oh, of COURSE she figures out her powers immediately!)

"OMG, how is this possible?" i said

"Don't ask me I'm just a panda, lol"

(Oh, my fucking God. I can’t even…..there are no words.)

said Snoofles with a big grin and he raised his eyebows,

(Pandas have eyebrows?)

"but I'm so happy to find a person who can understand my speaking! i al; ways wanted a human friend! will you be my human friend?"

"well yah ok" i said, "but i have to go to school now so I'll see you later Snoofles ok?"

"that's cool" said Snoofles "i'll see you later"

(I'd make some snappish comments about the fact that she just talked to a Goddamned panda, but I'm...I'm still reeling, honestly.)

I ran away and was totaly weirded out by my meeting with Snoofles. I was almost in a trance at school and even though people starred at me and made coments about my
new apperance I had never cared less.

in gym class I ran around dressed in my gym clothes. i was playing dodgball and the cleerleaders kept throwing there balls

(Hah.)

at me realy hard like biaches

(Good athletes are ALL bitches. I happen to be a fencer, bitch.)

but i was dodging them at the speed of light. Lauren came over to me and tries to hit me over the face with her balls and I slapped her in the face. (With her balls.)

"WTF you freaky goth tudor bitch!" she shouted with her ugly face flapping like a big bag

(lulwut.)

"leave me alone yeah?" i said looking more beautiful than ever

(Not!Narcissism strikes again!!!)

"no - ill never leave u alone becase your so werid! what has hapened to your face its like your from another planet, your so pale and delicate its freaking everyone out and we
all hate you!"

(WHEN WILL THE UNFAIR TREATMENT AGAINST THE BEAUTIFUL END? IT’S NOT LIKE THEY HAD A CHOICE OR ANYTHING! God, people, they all just want to be ugly like you!)

I was so mad i pushed her but when my hands touched her arms her skin started to blister and froth in a totally gross way and she got struck by a bolt of lightning.

(That’s not how lightning works, and ah, fuck it.)

She wasnt dead or anything but she looked totally disgusting and she got taken to the hospital.

I didnt look for my friends and after gym class I sat in the changing rooms after everyone has left and cried becase I felt so sorry for watt I had done to uncle larry and to
lauren. I was sat there wearing a very short leather mini-dress and red ripped tights and a skull necklace and a gothic top hat with feathers on it.

(She has just described what she was wearing while angsting over killing a man, and disfiguring a classmate. Not narcissistic at all.)

Suddenly I heard a voices from behind me

(“Go fuck yourself, you stupid bitch.”)

"Tiaa? Tiaa? It is I Edward Cullen!" said edward. i turned to kook at him and he gasped in a high piched way and fell over onto the floor.

(Okay, I HATE Edward a great amount, but he did not act like a wimp in the books! He was a controlling, domineering bastard.)

I was mad at him and totaly upset about other stuff (Like what you’re wearing, because that’s more important than your assaults!) so i didnt check to see if he was ok. He
got up in a minute.

"I fainted Tiaa, thou is so sexy and exqisite i lost my contentioness.

(Atitiania Loren, the pinnacle of humble writing.)

Thy face is even more sacred and filled with shinning glory than before, I am amazed" but then he noticed I was crying tears of soft blood

(CRAAAAAAAAAWWWLING IN MY SKIIIIN)

and he said "what is wrong with thee?" said Edward

(I’ll answer that. She’s an arrogant, narcissitic bitch in a horribly written fanfiction.)

"I killed someone Ewadrd! I killed my uncle and drank his blood and I think I made lauren get stuck by lightning"

"its ok Tiaa he was evil and noone cares about lauren"

(Asshole.)

Edward says to comfort me and he put his arms round me

"still watt i did was awfull and anyways GET OFF ME!" i stood up and shock him off me "dont come near me ever again! I havent forgiven you for whatt happened last night! We did sex and you left me there in the forest!"

(Hang on, I just realized something. Both this chick and Tara Gilesby, the author of My Immortal, had their Mary Sues have sex with a canon character in a forest. Seriously, are they the same person?)

"I'm sorry! I cannot stay away from thee and yet I cannot be with thee either" he cried and threw his hands up and weeped

(Jeez, how does this guy cry so much?)

"make your mind up Ewdard! this is a serious thing! Ether stay here with me now and screw me and be with me forrever or leave and go be with Bella! Make youre choice right now!"

"I choose thee Atlantnina! Bella is a big mean cow

(The century old vampire cannot come up with a better insult than “Big mean cow”.)

and I cant be with her anymore! I will never leave thou side again my lovley damsell!"

He started to cry and I kissed him. He was so amazing. His yellow eyes and tussled aubon hair and pale skin made me want to screw him all the time,

(What a deep and meaningful relationship.)

I'd never seen anybody look so perfect Except maybe me, of course.. I took off my dress so I was only wearing my underwear

(The underwear thing is implied, you dipshit.)

and i sat on his knee and we kissed a lot. He touched me all over and I felt dizzy and week.

"Do you mean it edward? You'll be mine forrever?"

(NOPE.jpg)

"I does, i shall be thy mate" he said beautifully in his smooth hot velvet voice

I found some handcuffs on a bench and I tied him to a hook. he was unable to move

(Handcuffs kinda do that.)

and i took his pants down and looked at his throbbing lavender man-fruit thing.

(Ugh. God, I think some of my brain just leaked out onto my shoulders.)

That’s It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen

(Penises really are not that pretty. Sorry guys, but it’s true. Same goes for vaginas. Not really that beautiful. Now sunsets, those are beautiful. And that’ll be the happy thing
I’ll think about until this chapter is over.)


and I put it in my mouth and sucked it and he thrusted madly untill he had an orgasm in my mouth.

(Well, she nailed IKEA erotica, that’s for goddamn sure.)

The hot juice flowered in my mouth and it was magical.

(Semen also does not taste that great, and- WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE. Edward is a vampire; he shouldn’t have semen at all!! He shouldn’t even be able to get erections!)

Sodenly a voice came from behind me

"WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING YOU EVIL RODENT PEOPLE? I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU BOTH AND NOW I AM GOING TO KILL MYSELF!"

(That right there, is the greatest fucking entrance I have ever read.)

It was Bella Swan!

(Why the hell is she in the locker room?)

(Jesus Christ, one more of these to go.)


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #17
Paragon


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Member No.: 612
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post Feb 27 2012, 03:23 PM
(Whew, final chapter of this incomplete pile of waste. Been a fun ride, but it’s going to crash right here, right now. Thanks to anyone who has read this mockery so far, and thank you to anyone who reads it after.)

hey guys sory its been so long since an update,

(Oh, we’ve all been on the edge of our seats awaiting this update, I’m sure.)

i hav been so busy latley.

(Obviously not with English classes, judging by the continued lack of understanding of spelling and grammar.)


sooooo..i had a fight with my old beta

(Ooh, can we have the details on that, please? I’m sure it would be more interesting to read than this piece of shit.)

but i have a new 1 now an she is helpin me byut she is on vacaton this wk and next so i promise i will sort the spellin mistaks out wen i can!

(Spoiler alert: she never does…)

Chapter 8 - the Kidnap

(I hope it’s about Uncle Larry coming back from the dead and just hitting Atlantiana with a shoe for the rest of eternity.)

I sat alone in the changes rooms, i was all most naked and looked awesome

(Our heroine, a paragon of humility and virtue.)

with my exotic lithely hair falling down over my face like a curtan of soft yellow cream with bits of purple in it.

(So, her hair is like moldy butter. I like that simile.)

but I didnt care how beautifull or eqxisite I was any more.

(Obviously not, because she hasn’t brought it up once. Wait.)

Edward was gone. he had left to follow Bella to stop her from killin herself and i was SO mad.

(“GOD, I hate it when by boyfriend/fuckbuddy has to go try to prevent an ex’s suicide. I hope that bitch just kills herself. He’s MINE now, so why the hell should he care about what she does to herself?” Okay, did you see how much of a bitch you'd be to say that?
Our main character’s thought process mirrors that. This is NOT how you write a likable character who is supposed to be a ‘hero’, authors. You want to make a likable character, MAKE THEM LIKABLE. If Atitimarysueana was being written as like, a villain, I’d probably be more okay with this story, disregarding the utter retardation of the rest of it. I apologize for this brief dissertation, I will resume mocking this utter travesty now. TLDR; Atlantiana is a bitch.)


how coud he leave me like that after sayin bella was a cow and he didnt like her no more?

(So he should just let her kill herself? NO, that’s not how that works, you selfish whore.)

I was pissed! and the tears were falling down my face like a tepid summer rain of misery and woe.

(She’s crying because her boyfriend/fuckbuddy went to go stop his current girlfriend from killing herself. What a selfish cow.)

So i went home and skipped school and sat in my room in my black corset and leather panties

(That sounds incredibly uncomfortable. Leather panties? Do they even sell those? Actually, don’t answer that, I don’t want to know.)

and i smoked some drugs and started to weep.

(Weren’t you already weeping? DOUBLE WEEP. Oh, also: CRAAAAAAWWWLING IN MY SKIIIIIIIN.)

dave came in and made a big smiley face.



"hi tiaa! I didnt no you were home! how was school today?"

(he didnt notice i was smokin drugs he thougt my cigarete of pot was a chapstick)

"it sucks!my life sucks and i want to DIE!" i scremed and my eyes glitered with beauty.

(You can stop telling us you're beautiful now!)

"u teenagers and ur problems, LOL!"

(Best parent ever.)

he said laughing a lot, and i knew he thougt i was just some silly kid wineing about homework and dumb boys and stuff.

(Well, Dave just so happened to be right; she IS whining about a dumb boy.)

he didnt no i had killed a man and lost the love off my life

(He’s stopping his ex from commiting suicide! You haven’t “lost” him. Also, why the fuck are we focusing on A-tit’s angst? We should be focusing on Bella and Edward right now, and I can’t believe I just typed that. It would give the author a PERFECT opportunity for a breakup scene between the canon couple, thereby allowing Mr. Sparkle-Cock and her stupid character to have sex. Good God, this fic is so bad, it has me preferring to read what’s happening with TWILIGHT characters. And I hate Twilight.)

and had made lauren get hit by lighting and that all the kids at school thougt i was a freak becase my face and bodys were so diffrent from everyone elses.

(Oh, those mean teenagers and their endless hatred of the beautiful!!!)

"dave your a good person but ur SO FUCKIN DUMB! YOU ASSHOLE!"

(You are a fucking brat. Be thankful those two even adopted your pathetic ass.)

i shouted at him and i threw my ashtray at his head WITHOUT TOUCHING IT (i could make stuff move when i was angry now...it was so weird! why did this have too happen to me!)

(………Of course she has telekinesis. She has ALL the powers.)

"haha, i guess your right" he laughed (he thougt i was joking, i wasnt spoiled or anythin)

(Okay, this is another thing that pisses me off. It’s completely unnecessary to have these little interjections in the middle of the story with parentheses. You can just say the stuff in the story. And yes, I am aware I am doing this mock with interjecting comments in parentheses, shut up.)

"its so nice havin you hear tiana, your so pretty. i swear your even prettier than before! and i think your boobs hav grown!"

(…..Yep, definitely Uncle Larry’s brother. What’s funny is that those three lines were far more effective at portraying pedophilia than the repeated rapes done by Uncle Larry.)

"yeh i no they are like an E cup now" i said.

(I don’t know about other girls, but I have NEVER discussed my boob size with my father. I don’t know if it’s different with foster fathers, but still. Creepy.)

Dave smiled and patted me on the breasts head and left.

I was so sick of bein treated like a kid and no one listenin to me that i got up and got dresed in a long black dress and took some pills (of drugs) and went out to the local nightclub

(Because that’s what teenagers do when they’re frustrated.)

which was called Pablo NIghtmare - it was a goth club were all the cool people went in forks. bella probably had never even heard of it, LOL!

(As I recall, Forks is a rather small town. Why is there a nightclub in a small town?)

i met snoofles on the way and he came with me.

(Oh, the pills must have been hallucinogenic. Oh, wait, there's a talking panda in this story. I tried to forget.)

we went to the club and got drinks and started dancing to the heavy metal music. ppl there stared at us cos i was so diffrerent looking and Snoofles was a panda, but we didnt care we were havin so much fun we were SO drunk and had taken a lot of drugs

(Because that’s the only way to have fun!)

so my head was fuzzy like there was snow everywhere.

(And then she died of a massive overdose of stupid.)

"hi your called Tiana arent you? I am Jasper and I go to your school" said Jasper Cullen

(Oh, boy, another canon character that I hate about to get metaphorically raped.)

who was tall with blond curly hair like straw only soft and nice and not dry. he was tall. he was wearin a black pulover and red metal pointy shoes. (AN - haha, that descripton sounded beter in my head, OH WELL!)

(Your head is full of snow, apparently. Oh, look. Incoming stupid.)

"hey whatever" i said. "why arent you with that girl i all ways see you with?"

"you mean my GF alice," he said and locked soddenly very sad and started to cry and bite down hard on his lips.

(Are all males in this fic just complete emotional wrecks? I’m not saying that as an insult against females, that kind of emotional instability is unhealthy for ANYONE of ANY gender.)

"what is wrong Jasper?" i said

(“I’m in this terrible fanfiction and I’m wearing these fucking stupid clothes and I hate everything! I’m going to go listen to Linkin Park, they understand how I feel!”)

"the problem is i dont love her like she loves me. i am gay, and thats wrong, and i feel so horible about it!"

(…….What. Oh, shit, incoming Aesop!!!)

"theres nothing bad about bein gay u no" i said.

"REALLY?" he sed, and looked chocked with his mouth open.

(Okay, really? “Hey, Susie, it’s okay for you to be a female who wears pants!!” “O: REALLY?” God, this is the dumbest fucking thing. I’m sorry, but don’t just have a gay character just to have a gay character! That’s insulting to gay people. Actually, this is insulting to anyone of any sexuality. I'm straight, and I'm offended.)

"yeah, its proper normal

(Forks is a REALLY open-minded town, I guess.)


and Snoofles is gay and everything"

(Gay pandas. Yep. Any seriousness the author may have had pertaining to homosexuality has now dissipated. She is likely just a yaoi fangirl who understands nothing of homosexuality beyond “HOMG boy on boy is flafklaging HAWWWT. And if you don’t get off on it, too, you’re a homophobe!!” And those are the worst kind of people to interact with.)

i said and Snoofles waved and Jasper waves back. he smiled and we all stared at this mess of a fanfic. dancing together and Jasper gave us some of his drugs.

(Ah, but were they bald or hairy drugs?)

we had a relay good time and jasper met another gay guy called Vince and we all got in Snoofleses car at the end of the night and i drove around while the others all had sex in the back of the car.

(That’s how my weekends go. Wait, no. watching others have sex is weird!! Also, they’re having sex with a PANDA.)

(i was drunk but cos i was a vampire it was ok to drive i had beter reflex than humans!)

(That’s not. How. Alcohol works.)

but soddenly somethin jumped into the road infront of us and I was so drunk we crashed, and everyone but me had died, which was sad because I wanted to tape the threesome in the back for fapping purposes later. had to stop the car and get out. there was a man standin in the middle of the road he was tall and mussely and had black hair like the black feathers of a raven in the black darkness.

(Paging department of redundancy department of redundancy!)

he was good looking but he looked so angry i got out my samurai sword (i often have it with me!)

(Yes, her heretofore unmentioned samurai sword. Japanese things are so kawaii doki doki!)

but somone jammed up behind me and tore it from me, there were like ten people all grabbing my body in the darkness and they put a thing over my face so i coudnt see and they tied me up! Jasper Snoofles and Vince were too busy doing gay sex on each other to notice,

(Nope, not even touching that.)

i cud

(She’s more of a cow than Bella. Hawhaw.)

hear them grunting and humping and having orgasms on each other - it was so cute

(This girl has never actually watched gay porn, has she? If she had, she would not be calling it cute. Sex cannot be cute. Also, males cannot have multiple orgasms in such a short period. I don’t know about pandas, but dudes can’t get going just seconds after peaking. They need a bit of rest for God’s sake.)

but now was SO not the time! The men who had caught me took me away and somethin hit me over the head and i was unconshous.

(Thank God.)

when i awoken i found myself in a small dark room and the tall mussel man was in front of me.

(She got kidnapped by seafood. Welp, we have a gay panda, so I can’t really complain about this unrealistic event.)

i was strip down to my underwear and i was chained to a chair with some metal chains and i coudnt move.

(Incoming CAPSLOCK.)

"WHO ARE YOU YOU WANKY PERV!" i shoyted.

"I AM JACOB...THE WEREWOLF KING!" he yelled with his eyes rolling around in his face - he looked so mad and CRAZY!

(What the fack. He has googly eyes. Also, WHY THE CAPSLOCK?)

"NOOOOOOO!" I scremed and i try to broke myself free but i was under so many heavy chains so i looked into his wagging face insted.

(Geddit, cuz he’s a dog. Ahahaha.)

"Watt do u want from me? why am i here?" i say and i started to cry.

"YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU DID TO BELLA SWAN!" he shreeked and the drool was sloapping down his face just like rain only thick and foam-like.

(Then it isn’t like rain, you idiot.)

"YOU ARE A HALF-BREAD!



YOU SHOUD NEVER HAVE BEEN BORNE! YOUR FATHER WAS A VAMPIRE AND YOUR MOM WAS A WHITCH! ITS WEIRD AND WRONG AND NOW YOUVE BROKEN BELLAS HEART! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD! HALF-BREAD!"

(She’s half-bread, half-boob, and ALL stupid as hell.)

This dude was insane, he was so angery he was jumpin up and down. But something he said had caugt my atention.

"What do u mean my mom was a whitch?" I said.

"MY FATHER USED TO NO HER! SHE LIVED HERE IN LA PUSH AND SHE WAS A WHITCH! SHE COUD MAKE FIRE COME FROM NOWERE AND CONTROLL THE WETHER AND TALK TO ANIMALS AND LOADS OF OTHER STUFF! SHE WAS A FREAK LIKE U!"

(What the fuck’s a ‘whitch?’)

Of corse! It all made sense now!

(“This story sucked!”)

I was so shocked I fainted,

When i woke up Jacob was in front of me and he was NAKED! He was smilling in a proper creepy way and looked totaly weird like a greasy frog thing and his male genital item was not nice like edwards it was like a horible wet mushroom. he stroked my knee with it

(It was moving on its own??? D:)

and i gapsed. whatt was he going to do to me!

(Hope you like mushroom, A-tits.)

but sudenly before he coud come any closer the door of the room we were in burst open!

IT WAS EWDARD!

(And that’s how it ends. Nope, really. It was never completed, and I am both happy and unhappy about that. Final thoughts: this fic is most likely trollfic, but I don’t know. The style is just so similar to My Immortal, I want to think it’s somebody imitating it. This is one of the best badfics to use in dramatic readings, that’s for sure. Hope my mock made the fic funnier than it already is. Thanks for reading this mock, but I’m sorry you had to read this schlock. Any comments are welcomed.)


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Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #18
NovemberJoy


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post Feb 27 2012, 06:20 PM
Nice mock. The half-bread part made me laugh out loud, which is difficult to do in writing...

And you showed some genuine wit, unlike me with my mock...
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Post #19
Paragon


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post Feb 27 2012, 06:29 PM
QUOTE
The half-bread part made me laugh out loud


Ah, yes. I got a bit teary-eyed when I first read it, if only because I imagined Taylor Lautner screaming "HALF-BREAD, HALF-BREAD!", which is great, because he cannot act to save his life.

I'm glad you enjoyed the mock! 'Twas my first, and I needed to see if the members would accept my brand of humor.
It seems some did, which is good.

QUOTE
And you showed some genuine wit, unlike me with my mock...


I went and read your mock, just to see, and you my friend, have wit in spades. So you can just stop with the self-deprication.
Because I thought you did better than me!

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 27 2012, 06:52 PM


--------------------
Index of Mocks

QUOTE
Mykan: Paragon part of me wnats to see you chained to the wall

QUOTE
Paragon: does the titan break wall maria
Mykan: Yes
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Post #20
hissingblades91


Deadly alliance bitches, kickin ass, takin souls.
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post Feb 27 2012, 07:36 PM
Well done! biggrin.gif
I could have done it but, well.....I would've been laughing too hard to do it.
Also, I see the similarities between Tara and This author, what was her name again?
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