Fallout: Equestria - A Mare Worth Fighting For, I used to wonder what rough sex could be Options

[Al_Cone]

Quite possibly every fandom on the planet has its own incredibly long, involved, convoluted fanfic that is universally hailed as a masterwork. My Little Pony, having suddenly exploded in popularity over the past year, is no different, and if you thought that it would be, then you are an idiot. For MLP, that fanfic epic is Fallout: Equestria, which is exactly what you think it is.

It's the story of a young unicorn named Littlepip who runs off into the post-apocalyptic DC Equestrian Wasteland, abandoning her peaceful life in Vault 101 Stable 2 in search of her father sexual fantasy, who has abandoned the Vault Stable for reasons unknown. While she's out there, she gets involved in a battle to decide the fate of the wasteland, blah blah blah. You get the idea.

I have mixed thoughts on FO: E itself. On the one hand, the absurdity of its premise is compounded with each chapter; on the other, mechanically speaking...it's really not bad. Not perfect, by any stretch of the imagination; there are a million things wrong with it that I don't want to get into. But I don't hate it. It isn't Neon Exodus Evangelion. It's something unique, all to itself, and I still haven't quite decided how to quantify to.

But moving on. Perhaps the most unusual aspect of fandom is the tendency for people to write fanfiction about fanfiction. TVTropes calls it "recursive fanfic," and that seems as good a name for the phenomenon as any. FO: E has several side fics about it, most notably a story called Project Horizons, which is marginally better than the story that it's based off of. Of course, it also has this one.

I'm not going to be mocking the story proper, nor should anybody try to. Neon Exodus Evangelion is about four hundred thousand words long; Fallout Equestria is, um, a lot longer. Go see for yourself on Equestria Daily if you don't believe me. I haven't the time, patience or inclination to sit through a story like that; fuck's sake, it's taken me three years just to get as far as I have in SMLoZ. No, instead, I will be looking at one of the side fics. Which just happens to be what the fandom would call a "clopfic".

See, about midway through the story, Littlepip meets Three Dog Homage, a unicorn who masquerades as the very, very male DJ CROFT P0N3 in order to bring the news to the wasteland via a magic microphone that makes her sound male. Naturally, the two fall in love. The romance goes something like this:

Littlepip: Hey Homage, do you know anybody who might be interested in me?

Homage: Oh, I am!

Littlepip: OUR LOVE IS LIKE RAIN

I perhaps am not conveying its hackneyed nature properly, but oh well. The two immediately disappear to fuck, but thankfully, the reader is spared the graphic details; it is simply a "fade-to-black" style sex scene. Well, I guess somepony didn't like that, and decided to fix this mistake, because this story, "A Mare Worth Fighting For," exists. And it is all about the juicy details of what went down between them. Or who.

This was a tough one, folks. I've mocked lemons before, but none like this, never like this. But I got through it so that you could too, by gum, and the way I see it, that means that you owe me. Now get cloppin'.

******

I stretched out on Homage’s bed as she gave me a massage. Either she had learned a lot from our visit to the spa, or she’d had practice. Either way, it was wonderful! If I was a cat, I would have been purring.

You're already a pony, Littlepip; let's not add unnecessary fuel to the furry fire.

I felt her press against me as she leaned close to whisper in my ear. “I know you’re under doctor’s orders to relax and not exert yourself. You listen about as well as most of his patients.”

Homage: I should know. I've had sex with all of them. At once. You know how there are six Elements of Harmony? I'm the seventh--the Element of the Clap.

I nodded, not wanting to really talk about that. Or really about anything. What she was doing with her hooves was divine.

"Yes, Homage, you can turn water into wine. I'm very, very impressed. Now get over here and clop me, dammit!"

She was pressing them in circles against the back of my legs at the base of my rump. Not as skilled as the professional spa ponies, maybe. But unspeakably more delightful because it was Homage doing it.

Have I mentioned yet that Homage is my least favorite thing about Fallout: Equestria? If there's an identifiable Mary-Sue in the story, it's probably Homage, moreso than anybodypony else.

“So I won’t apologize for helping you break them further.” I had no idea what she was… oh HELLO! I gasped as I felt her tongue someplace I had only imagined it before. Pleasure burst through my whole body.

I had no idea that a pony's spleen could be an erogenous zone.

And she was just getting started. This was definitely going to qualify as strenuous activity.

After the second pass of her tongue, I became vibrant. I was grinning like a fool. This is really happening. We’re really going to do this!

It's funny that she said that, because my own grin is shrinking proportionately with each passing sentence of the story.

Then another thought struck me at the third lick. Oh Goddesses, we’re really doing this. What if I’m lousy? What if she hates me forever? What if she gets on the radio in the morning and tells all of the Wasteland that the Stable Dweller is the worst lay ever?

One of my favorite things about Fallout 3 is that I never, ever had to worry about sex with Three Dog making him announce to the greater D.C. area that my character was bad in bed.

My ecstatic joy replaced with panic, I started shaking all over. When I felt her tongue stop touching, I fought the urge to scream for her to continue, terrified that the spell would break and she’d realize she could be with a much taller and more attractive mare.

Suddenly, I'm understanding why Littlepip has had so little fortune in love. She's probably had bitches throwing themselves at her left and right, but she's so neurotic that she scares them all away, one after another, by breaking into body-wracking sobs and hyperventilating.

“Littlepip, you okay?” her voice was filled with concern. Probably worried that I was suffering some kind of withdrawal symptom or post traumatic stress from one of the many times I had nearly died lately.

“I’m fine,” I lied. Just this once.

“Am I... going too fast for you?”

GOD yes. Please, for my sake, take things at a more Puritanical pace.

“No!” I cried, my voice straining not to crack. That wasn’t a lie. She could have pounced me when I first laid eyes on her and I’d say she was still too slow.

Littlepip's standards for speed are so high that The Flash himself falls well short of meeting them.

“Good,” she said with a laugh. “Because I had no intention of stopping.”

So if Littlepip said "Yes," she would have raped her. DJ CROFT P0N3: THE HERO WHO THINKS THAT "NO" DOES NOT MEAN "NO".

Then she was back to work. Her tongue was hot as it circled me back there. Do tongues naturally get that hot when near another pony’s private parts, or was I just hot there and she just providing pressure? I stopped wondering much of anything when it slipped inside.

"Followed by another. And then another. That was the moment that Homage chose to enlighten me about her unique mutation, and her tentacle fetish."

I cried out. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t speaking any known language.

She's speaking in tongues! The Lord has chosen a lesbian horse to receive a divine revelation!

...

Really, Lord?

Somehow the entire universe had collapsed between my haunches and the only thing left was that hot slippery bit of mare boldly going where no mare had gone before.

Somewhere, a part of me was mortified.

Hey, check it out. The author forgot to edit out an annotation.

Whenever I had been turned on in the past, I had been thinking about or looking at some pony that I didn’t have a chance with. My natural instinct had always been to put my back to a wall, but now there was nowhere to hide. She was seeing exactly what I felt, she was inside me.

This is giving me a whole new perspective on chest-bursters in Alien.

It was too much. My hooves were digging at the bed spread, I wanted to run. I knew that any moment she’d realize this was all a huge misunderstanding, she’d throw me out, and I’d have to try to make up some pony so I could finish on my own.

Forget it, Littlepip. Your fantasy will inevitably become Homage, because Homage is apparently the best thing to ever happen to Equestria, so you may as well just live the dream with the real thing right now.

Finish? The pressure was building already. Oh Goddesses, no.

Am I reading My Little Pony porn, or a screenplay for a disaster movie about a geyser?

The funny thing is, I can't tell you which one I'd rather be reading. Both prospects are equally horrifying.

Sweet Celestia and Luna. I’ve already been blown up recently, have some mercy! It turned out they were busy. I exploded. My body went into spasms and I burst out crying.

Ah, tears of shame and regret upon climaxing; boy does THAT take me back.

“Whoa,” Homage pulled her head back licking, well, me off her lips. “And here I was worried that I’d gotten rusty. Am I just that good or are you that sensitive?” I could hear the amusement in her voice.

“I’m sorry,” I wanted to slink out the room before she started laughing at poor Pip who couldn’t last for more than a minute.

Uh...Pip, darlin', I know that you're new at this and all, but you're aware that that's only shameful for guys, right?

I felt her lips on my neck. “Why are you sorry?” her voice was soft. Her mane brushed against me and, I swear, I almost popped again.

There is far more pimple imagery in this piece of erotica than there needs to be.

“It’s been a while for me too.”

“It’s been my whole life.” Oh shit, I did not just say that! I threw both forelegs over my mouth, trying to shove the words back in.

I braced for harsh, mocking laughter. Instead I felt teeth at my ear.

Littlepip, you fool! Now Homage is going to devour you in order to gain your sexual powers!

“Your first time, and like this?” Was she moaning? “I can’t say I’m not jealous.”

“Well it’s not like it’s my first, I’ve had a lot of time alone and--” I had to shove a hoof in my mouth this time. Sweet sky-fucking Celestia, was there anything else I could say to embarrass myself? A very indignant voice shrieked in my head. Maybe I want to tell her about how I wet the bed as a filly?

The way this is going, that's liable to turn her on as much as anything else.

“I meant with another pony.” She was sucking on the end of my ear. As it turns out, that feels better than just about anything except what she was doing between my legs with her hooves. “Just one thing. You’re not done, right?”

please be satiable please be satiable please be satiable

Oh Goddesses, was she kidding? Just listening to her voice and that feeling on my ear was enough to... Oh, here we go again. Another shock of ecstasy burst through my entire body. She pressed her body against mine and seemed to ride my spasms and bit down on my ear. Hard.

Well, shit, she's insatiable.

“Well, that answers that,” she said after my body had quieted. I felt a telekinetic field wrap around me and flip me on my back. “That’s good, because I have so much more to do,” I had never see anypony look at me like that before.

Something like this?



I blinked and she had disappeared between my legs. Her lips were as able as her tongue, but the hint of teeth made it that much more-

The remainder of that thought could not be expressed; Littlepip was too busy shrieking in unimaginable pain as Homage tore a piece of her labia off.

“So I have a question,” she said quickly after her lips had brought about the destruction of any thought in my head.

“Now?” I managed to squeak.

Looking up at me, she pressed her chin firmly against my ever dampening crotch.

Oh, I wish I could unread that sentence...

“No time like the present. And I want to know more about you. Understandable, given the situation. Right?”

Homage: I mean, it's almost as though we were suddenly paired out of convenience so that the main character could have a reciprocal romantic interest!

I was struggling to remember some the more sophisticated words, like “what” when she nipped at my inner thigh. “Ask!”

“That Velvet is quite the looker.”

Moreso than her sister, Velveteen Remedy, at any rate.

You’ve got to be fucking kidding.

“When you first left the Stable, I’d heard it was to look for her. So is there anything there?” She followed by pressing the tip of her nose into me.

“That’s- AH! That’s- It’s REALLY hard to focus when you’re doing that!”

The CIA does the same thing to inmates at Guantanamo.

“Do you want me to stop?” Her mouth was right over me, her breath puffing into me. “Do you need to figure out how to answer the question?” She opened her mouth and let that wonderful, amazing tongue dangle, idly tracing my slit.

Every single line in this story either has me clutching my face in embarrassment, giggling like a schoolgirl or sobbing like a toddler at the way my emotions and psyche are being raped. Damn you, Homage!

“It’s just, this is a bit of an ambush,” I said as quick as I could before having to bite into my wrist to keep from screaming.

She finally sat up, allowing me to relax. Then she brought up the tip of her forehoof. “Let me back up, regardless of what you say, we’re still doing this.” To bring home the point, she pressed harder.

"Against my spinal column. Homage apparently found paralysis almost as sexy as watersports."

“From the way she practically threw me at you and what you’ve already told me, I know there’s at least nothing actively going on. But you don’t go chasing across half the Wasteland for just anypony.”

Fuck you, Homage; I've read Project Horizons and that is exactly what happens.

“I had a major crush on her all my life.” No point in trying to play it cool. “But she was just a face, a voice on the radio. Something to fill my fantasies with.” I hadn’t really put my thoughts in order since she’d shot me, but this all rang true, even if it was all coming out under duress. “I really didn’t know her until I met her out here in the Wastes.”

"Turns out, she's a major nagging bitch. About twenty percent plastic too."

“Oh?” She laid her head on my belly.

“The fantasy was nothing like the real thing.” I sighed, I’d miss those fantasies. They were my oldest companions.

That is almost as adorably pathetic as the twentysomething who talked about how holding his Rainbow Dash doll gave him the courage to stand up to his abusive stepfather.

“She’s... special. But she’s not the mare I rushed out to rescue. That mare was just pretend, a voice on the radio.” Saying that hurt. It was like a goodbye to a part of myself.

Littlepip: ...Homage, I'd really appreciate it if you'd stop vivisecting me while I pour my heart out to y--AAAAUUUGH!

Homage: Ooh, speaking of pouring out hearts!

She just looked at me for a long time. Then she cocked an eyebrow, “A voice on the radio, huh?”

I groaned. “Oh, don’t even start. I thought you were a stallion.”

An Italian Stallion? Oh lordy loo, tell me that isn't the direction we're about to take.

She had gone back to kissing, “Well, you know better now.”

“And while we’re talking about stallions, Calamity’s just a friend too! And I met SteelHooves just before you!” I really didn’t want to have think about either of them between orgasms.

Technically, you're always between orgasms. So, what, Littlepip, you want your every waking thought to be about yourself, Homage, and the two of you interlocking in obscene ways? Selfish...

She looked up at me with a pout. “Oh, sweetie, I know you only have eyes for mares. Every account I got about you made mention of you eyeing up some filly or another.”

I didn’t have long to be embarrassed before her tongue sent another damn wave through me.

Tongue-me-ha-me-HAAAAAAAAAAA!

After crying in tongues I briefly wondered if it counts as one if I come twice in a row.

“I am loving playing with you.”

Being a native Russian speaker, Homage is still getting the hang of English syntax.

I noticed.

“One more question and I’ll let you be.”

“Fine,” I managed to say after remembering my name.

She hopped, pressing her knees into my chest and putting her forehooves under her chin. “So what’s a mare like you see in a mare like me?”

A requisite romantic subplot with a one-dimensional character who exists for the twofold purposes of providing said romantic subplot and easy access to exposition?

She was actually going to let me think about this one, of course.

“If you’re getting tired and need something to eat, help yourself.” She floated a fruit bowl over to the bedside table.

Damn, now THAT is service. I'm going to ask my girlfriend why she never offers me bowls of fruit during sex!

I realized how ravenously hungry I was, I took an apple from the bowl and devoured it. Licking my lips clean, I looked down at her, patiently waiting on my chest. I rolled my eyes up in mock contemplation for several seconds. "Is 'I was really really horny' a good enough answer?"

Worked for Clinton.

She burst out laughing, it was a wonderful sound. "What, none of the pretty Raider mares give you a second look?"

"Well, there were more than a few that showed an interest in penetrating me, but I was holding out for a gal who'd buy me dinner first." I munched on another apple to drive home my point. "Actually, I always really respected DJ Pon3. Somepony out here dedicated to helping everypony they possibly can? It was a constant reminder that not everypony had become Raiders in the Wastes."

Wow, imagine that. If you live a comfortable and peaceful existence in a luxury hotel, you will NOT turn into a bloodthirsty savage and murder the world. She is absolutely right; Homage is the greatest hero in Equestria!



Homage kissed my chest and smiled up at me, "I'd think you'd just need to look in the mirror for that."

It turns out, I could still blush. "Yeah, but you were helping everypony without..." I paused, a memory surfacing; I felt blood on my horn and saw a mare on the ground whispering that she didn't want to die. I swallowed a bit of apple in my mouth. "You don't kill anypony. You just help. That meant a lot to me." I saw the understanding on her face. I quickly moved on before she could ask if I wanted to talk about it. I didn't. "Of course, when I found out you were actually a gorgeous mare with a rump that just wouldn't quit, I was head-over-heels. I mean who wouldn't be?"

I don't even need to make an argument for why Homage is a blatant Mary-Sue. It's all right there in the story. Thanks, Littlepip!

I felt her slide off my chest, and I took another hearty bite from my third apple. That's when I felt her lips wrap around my clit.

Mares have internal clitori. So unless Homage's lips are capable of Flubber-like elasticity, I'm pretty sure that this is biologically impossible.

Hamsters, if you'll recall from Mating Season, do not have internal clitori.

It was about a minute before I realized I couldn't breathe and not in the "ohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh" way but in a "there's a large piece of apple in my windpipe” way. After a few sputters and coughs, she took notice of my peril and, I guess she didn't want to be known as “the mare who killed the Stable Dweller with oral sex” because she sprang into action to help me cough up the lethal snack.

Maybe that was Homage's plan this whole time, and she changed her mind at the last second because she realized just how hard it is to get laid in post-apocalyptic Equestria.

"Warn me before you do that," I hoarsely (geddit? shouted after the offending chunk of apple fell to the bed.

"I'm sorry," she said giving me a nuzzle on the cheek. "But you called me your hero and then said I had a pretty butt. I couldn't resist." She floated a carrot from the nearby bowl and into her mouth, but rather than eat it, she held it out for me.

NO, NO YOU FOOL, NO! NO! STOP WHILE YOU CAN! GET OUT! GET OUT OF THERE!

I reached forward and bit into it, thinking she'd let go, instead she held fast and gave me a flirty look. She waited patiently as I chewed the carrot down until I reached her lips, only then did she swallow what was left in her mouth and I'm pretty sure she only did that to free up her tongue.

Whew! False alarm! This has been a test of the Emergency Vegetative Penetration Warning System! Had this been an actual instance of carrot-to-vagina intercourse, you would have been instructed on the best way to commit suicide to purge your memory from humanity' consciousness.

After a few minutes of that, I leaned back on the bed and patted my stomach with a contented sigh. "Man, those really hit the spot. So much more flavor than Stable food."

Must be the lethal doses of radiation in every bite.

Homage cozied up next to me, pressing her face against my neck. "Do you miss it? The Stables, I mean."

The question caught me by surprise. Not so much because of the question itself, it was a perfectly reasonable thing to ask, but because the answer was, "No."

"Really?" She sounded shocked.

"I mean, I miss not being shot all the time," I added quickly. "And I miss having a comfy place to sleep consistently. But, I never really felt alive in there. It was like we were just waiting to die. I don't think ponies were meant to be cooped up all their lives."

I wonder if any of the bronies reading this can break from wanking to cartoon horses eating each other out long enough to notice the irony inherent in that statement.

She made a noise in understanding and ran a hoof down my side. I kissed the top of her head, smelling her mane. "Also, I've met some really nice ponies since I got out."

"You know," a smile played across my lips as I spoke, "I think that fruit has given me my second wind.

I'm still not convinced that we won't be seeing a urine fetish; please don't make me worry about a flatulence fetish too.

You want to continue where you left off?"

She rolled off me and pulled her back legs under her to sit on her haunches. She looked at me like I was foal who made a social faux pas. "Um, Pip, I just watched you have five orgasms, and I don't know what they taught you in the Stables," she leaned back and spread her back legs, "but in the bedroom, you gotta share."

Yeah, Littlepip. You gotta share. You gotta care. It's the right thing to do. Do you even watch your own show?!

Part of me was embarrassed that I hadn't done anything for her tonight, but that wasn't the part of me that was staring in stunned paralysis at her crotch.

Oh no! Littlepip has fallen prey to Homage's deadly Vaginal Paralysis Spores! Soon, the Vulvatic Gorgon will emerge from the birth canal and slowly drag her inside for a thousand year period of agony!

This is either the funniest mock I've ever written, or the most misogynistic.

Outside of health class, I had never seen another mare like this. It was fascinating. It was exciting. It was giving me another orgasm. For Goddesses’ sake she wasn't even touching me!

It's a good thing Pip has gotten over her anxiety issues and doesn't care that Homage is slowly edging out of the room while she sits there vibrating and screaming in orgasmic bliss like a ninny.

She just watched me shudder and gasp for a minute. "You weren't kidding about the 'being really horny' thing, were you?"

"A few days ago I caught myself ogling a one-eyed griffon," I said after catching my breath.

Is that technically bestiality? Given the nature of the story in relation to the source material, it's hard to keep track of how many mortal sins it's committing.

"Well, at least I know you’re open minded," she said with a smirk. She reclined there staring at me, "Hey Pip, are you gonna, you know, do something soon?"

What, forty-two chapters of content aren't enough for you, Homage? You're why Yu-Gi-Oh! Abridged never updates.

Oh. Right. I rolled over to my belly bringing myself at eye level with her lap. I thought about all the things she had done with tongue and lips. I rolled my own tongue around in my mouth. It felt sluggish and clumsy. "Hey, um, do you have a book or something I could read with a few tips or hints or..." She closed her legs.

The end.

I swear, I'd never been closer to heartbreak.

She took a deep breath and let it out in a quick sigh. "It's alright, next time I'll give you a full tutorial." She got off the bed; I wanted to cry.

I wish I could say that this is the most emotionally fragile that Littlepip will be getting in this story, but this is only the tip of the disturbingly sexual iceberg.

Then she started rummaging under the bed. "Until then, I just happen to have something we can do that'll work for both of us." She came back into view floating a narrow rectangular box.

Oh no.

She popped the lid off. The inside was lined with tissue paper.

No no no no no no no.

"It's a bit of pre-war technology I found in my more traveled days.

No.

It's a device designed to allow two ponies to share their pleasure." Her horn lit up, and I saw the tissue being pushed aside. "Don't worry, it's been very thoroughly tested for safety." She floated the object out of the box with a look of pride on her face.

"It's two dicks stuck together end on end," I observed flatly.

GODDAMMIT, EQUESTRIA! THIS IS WHY YOU LOST THE WAR! WHILE THE ZEBRAS WERE DEVISING COMPLEX PLANS TO SMUGGLE NUCLEAR WEAPONRY INTO YOUR MAJOR POPULATION CENTERS, YOU WERE BUSY COMING UP WITH NEW AND EXCITING WAYS TO PENETRATE ONE ANOTHER! WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, HUH?! WAS IT YOU, APPLEJACK? IT WAS, WASN'T IT?!

"Isn't it though," she had the same look on her face that I’d seen Calamity wear after cleaning his guns.

That implies something incredibly disturbing about Calamity and his affection for firearms.[/b

She finally pulled her eyes from it and looked to me, I had apparently failed to hide my horror. "Don't worry, it's not real." She gave it a poke and it wobbled in the air; I was suddenly nauseous.

"Homage," I said, staring at the floating phallus. "Remember when I said I like mares? That's... um... really really not a mare."

[b]How're you guys doing? You still remember that Littlepip is a lesbian? Good. Just checking. I'll be back to remind you again in a second.

"It's just a toy Pip," she said patiently.

If there's one thing that My Little Pony has taught me, it's that lesbian sex is not complete without phallic penetration occurring.

Wow, there is a sentence that I never in a million years would have imagined myself writing...

She gave me a sideways look. "Do you mean that you've never seen anything like this before? Even back in the Stable?" I shook my head. "So what did you do for stress relief?"

"I got to know my hooves pretty well," I mumbled.

...I...How...?

It's a sad, sad day when hoof masturbation is the least unlikely or disturbing thing to appear in your erotic literature.

Homage opened her mouth looking like she had more to argue, but then just let it close. She let out a single laugh and said, "Oh well, don't worry about it."

I couldn't help but feel a little rotten. She had looked so happy at the chance to use her toy with another pony, and she'd already done so much for... and to me. I reached out a hoof to stop her from putting the box top back on. "Wait, you're right. I mean, it's just a toy and... I think I can be okay with it if it’s you." I realized as I said it, that I meant it. We hadn't known each other long, but she already meant a lot to me and I was willing to try and make her happy.

If you're not willing to let a relative stranger penetrate you with a rubber penis after knowing her for, like, two days, then you do not understand true love!

She smiled warmly and kissed me on the nose. "I so have you wrapped around my hoof." She giggled and started rummaging in the bedside table drawer. "I think this a new record for me when it comes to relationships. You can basically orgasm on command and damn if you don't make the best faces when you do. Now I just need to teach you how to return the favor and you'll be perfect."

If you take the cartoon horses out, this is almost passable. A hell of a lot less nightmare-inducing as well.

I knew from that instant that she would forever wear the dress here. I had officially become the passive one in the relationship, and I really wasn't sure I was... Wait, relationship? This was a relationship. I, Littlepip, short for Pipsqueak, had an honest to Goddesses relationship. I was grinning like it was my birthday and Homage had just popped out of the cake. I had a relationship. She could shove whatever she wanted in me because I had a relationship!

You do? I mean, of course you do! Someone you you just met has dragged you into her bedroom for a night of hot sex! That's TOTALLY the same thing as a relationship, right?

Also, in what universe is "Littlepip" short for "Pipsqueak"?!

After I came back down off my cloud,

And now it's a Dragon Ball crossover. Anything else you wanna throw in there, fella? Maybe next, X-COM can fly some Raiden interceptors overhead while the cast of Men in Black, led by Asuka and Sailor Mercury, do battle with Matt from Digimon and his fleet of drill-capable space shuttles.

I noticed she was looking at me intensely and had in fact been talking the whole time. "I said I'm going to need to use this," she floated a tube in front of me. "It'll be cold, but since you've never used anything like this before, this is going to hurt some."

Strangely enough, I do not have a contingency for penetration by dildo. As long as it's not a vegetable of some sort, I'm pretty okay with it.

Psh. I've been shot, stabbed, smacked around, and nearly cooked by a dragon. I was ready for anything. I rolled over to my belly and raised my hips. I looked back and gave her a wink.

And My Little Pony has officially been ruined for me.

She just shook her head and applied an extra coat of some kind of jelly on one of the... ends.

She got behind me and put her hooves on both sides of my haunches and adjusted my stance. She assumed an identical stance and her "toy" floated between us.

This is actually happening. I can tell because I've just been revived after attempting suicide via knife to the everywhere, and this story is still on my computer screen.

“You ready?” she called out.

I grinned smugly and called out, “You bet your hot ass I am.” Then it touched me. “EEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, that’s really cold!” I shrieked, my voice far too high.

Homage should really have asked if Littlepip was comfortable with it before inviting Frosty the Snowman over for a three-way.

“Oh.” It was pushing against me; I clenched and it stopped.

“Pip, if you don’t want to do this,” Homage began.

“No, no, I said I’d try this with you,” I said quickly, trying not to shudder at the feel of the slimy, cold, and rubbery thing pressing between my legs.

You know what's the opposite of erotic?

Fuckin' THAT SENTENCE RIGHT THERE. I don't want to meet the man who can get off to this...

“Then you’re going to have to relax. Trust me.”

Okay, I trusted her. I relaxed. I let out a loud breath. She pushed it in. This was the second time I had invented a new language that night.

Is this how Tolkien came up with all the languages in Lord of the Rings? Suddenly, I'm seeing Middle-earth in a whole new light, and I'm not liking it.

She pushed it slowly, in between what could be generously described as a hurricane of profanity, I choked on how much it hurt and how good it felt. This thing had been designed to touch every sensitive spot at once and whoever designed it was really damn good at their job.

Let this be a lesson, folks. Even the staunchest lesbian can be turned to the side of cock by a well designed and lubricated penis substitute.

It came to a rest deep inside and I felt the orgasm rip through me as it rotated. I looked back and saw that Homage had twisted on to her back with it already well inside her. And there was another two-in-one. Should I be counting these?

I beg you to stop.

“What the fu-,” I panted. “What are you doing?”

She squirmed, sending another lightning bolt through me. “I really want to watch you; it’s easier like this,” she moaned. “Now hold still, I’m about to turn it on.”

“What do you mean turn it o-” There was clicking sound. “OoOoOoOoOoH sweet Celestia horn fucking Luna in the ass!”

No no, that's a different fanfic, Pip.

It vibrates; how novel.

I fleshed out my two new languages with a shiny series of swears, all having to do with the female organs.

This is really poorly written. I mean, really poorly written. A six year old who thinks that sex = naked wrestling could write more convincing erotica than this. Probably wouldn't write it about My Little Fuckin' Pony, too.

...

Or maybe he would.

I think sometime less than a thousand years passed, but I really wasn’t the best to judge since I was dead for at least part of the time.

See, like that. What does that even mean? Did nobody bother to beta-read this story?

The only thing I can say for sure was that we were going to need to change the sheets and pillowcases and that she made the silliest and most gorgeous face when she came. She looked like she was sneezing, laughing, and had a pinched nerve in her neck all the same time. Needless to say, I came with her.

Because the sight of your lover having what I can only assume to be a violent stroke is surely the most arousing sight on the planet. I guess 'cuz it's Homage...

She turned it off, and I would have collapsed if it wasn’t still holding us together. She carefully slid it out of me and then herself. She gave it an affectionate kiss, on my end I noted with some small perverted pride,



and then set it back in its box. She stuck her tongue out at me and asked, “So what did you think of my toy?”

I tentatively touched my aching nethers. “It does its job,” I grunted.

She nodded and gave a whistle, “I noticed.”

I rolled onto my back, trying to move my legs as little as possible. “But to be perfectly honest, I liked it more when it was just you and me. That felt more like I was just masturbating while you watched. It was just... too artificial.”

This is roughly the point where the story stops being about two unicorns fucking and instead becomes a soapbox for the author's personal views on the inherent inferiority of phallic penetration.

She put the lid back on the box and slid it under the bed. “Fair enough,” she sighed. “Thank you for letting me really try it out, and I promise I won’t bring it out on you again.” She crawled over and kissed me on the cheek. “Except on my birthday.”

I sighed and floated a peach from the bowl and munched on it quietly for a few minutes. Eating helped calm me down and brought me back from exhaustion. A thought hit me as I recovered.

"So I fucking sued that thought for all it was worth. Assault and battery doesn't fly in Tenpony Tower."

“So, time for your interview Ms. Pon3,” I said, trying to sound cool with arguable success.

“Turnabout is fair play,” she said rubbing her face against my neck.

“So what’s a well respected DJ’s assistant doing with a toaster repair gal like me?” I asked, half laughing at her joke.

Fulfilling the old porno cliche?

She didn’t laugh. She sat up and turned to face me. All expression had fled from her face.

She's revealed her true form!



“Do you really want to know?”

“Well, yeah, I asked didn’t I.” I was getting nervous; maybe I didn’t want to know if this was the effect asking had.

“It’s because you’re a hero.” She said it without any trace of mockery.

"No. You're wrong." Littlepip lit a cigarette and turned her back on Homage. "I'm no hero. Never was. Never will be. Just an old killer, hired to do some wetwork," she growled while an acoustic guitar twanged depressingly in the background.

I’d have blushed if my face wasn’t still flush from our multi-orgasmic good time. “Not this agai-”

“Let me finish,” she snapped. “You asked and now you have to listen to the answer, no matter how bad it hurts.”

I was getting scared.

I don't blame you. From joking lightly about multiple orgasms to angrily ordering you to shut up and listen in ten seconds flat? Geez, I thought sex was supposed to relax you...

“I’ve seen all kinds of things as DJ Pon3 and even before that when I was out in the Wastes. I’d seen horrors, as I’m sure you’ve seen.”

I only nodded, thinking of skinned and splayed open corpses used as decoration and the image of Calamity shooting that young foal Raider from the other day popped in my head.

Imagery preferable to what we just read.

“But I’ve seen and heard about heroes too.” She sounded wistful as she continued. “Ponies who set out to help others and fight against anything that threatened their fellow pony. I loved them. I lived to see and hear about them. They gave me just a little hope that maybe we weren’t damned after all. That there might be a light at the end of this fucking tunnel we buried ourselves in.”

I was about to speak my agreement when she went on.

“And then I’d see their heads on spikes outside a Raider camp.”

Wah-wah-wah-wahhhhh~!

She looked at me hard. “You’re a hero Littlepip, and that means you’re going to die very soon because you’re a blight on the Wasteland. They’ll kill you because ‘what’s right’ doesn’t fit in this world any more, and I’m going to have to report it after.”

She's just like Walter Cronkite, if Walter Cronkite were a sexual paragon incapable of doing wrong.

...

So she's just like Walter Cronkite.

I got up and backed out of bed. I had thought about dying before, knew it was something that could happen so easily to me out here. But to be told it was a fucking certainty...

"So!" said Homage cheerfully. "How about I penetrate you with things some more, then tell you all about how certain your inevitable death is?"

She wasn’t done. “Or you’ll give up. I’ve seen that too. Heroes who helped folks only for them to be slaughtered by some other threat or worse, for those they saved to go to do atrocities themselves in the name of survival. They just hang up their guns and go find some shit-hole to drink themselves to death in.”

I fell back on my haunches.

“You’re a good pony, Littlepip. An honest to fucking goodness hero. And I wanted to know you, to hold you, to love you before you’re gone too.”

What I'm getting here is that Homage is projecting years of repressed fantasies onto Littlepip, and could really care less about her personally. This is somewhere above (but not that high above) Kyon and Haruhi starting a relationship based on their mutual suicides.

Something broke inside me. No. Not something. My heart. My heart broke. I’d searched and fought and killed and nearly died in the name of what I believed to be “right”. I’d found somepony who did the same, and she just told me that none of it would actually matter in the end.

If indeed there is an end. Forty-two chapters and no end in sight, goddamn.

I saw the Wasteland, not as a place, but as a giant razor clawed beast devouring ponies by the dozens. I saw myself attack it valiantly only to be smashed without it even looking. I saw a line of “me”s, each one attacking and dying without ever even slowing the monster’s grizzly feast.

"And then, for some reason, I saw a vision of a black-bearded man with a spray bottle leering at me. 'And when you want to scrub dead pony chunks out of your carpet, you want new Pip-B-Gone, from the makers of OxyClean! Call now and I'll throw in three extra bottles for no extra charge! Here's how to order!'"

I saw New Appleoosa burning, the townsponies all dead or being lead away in chains along with all the slaves I had fought so hard to free. I saw the Talon mercs laughing as they threw Monterey Jack’s foals down from the sky. I saw Gawd with her small army attacking a convoy for supplies and leaving no survivors.

Shit, I was just kidding about her becoming a prophet. The sudden deluge of visions is sort of pushing things, don'tcha think?

I saw myself coming upon Silver Bell,

JESUS CHRIST LITTLEPIP, YOU REALLY ARE INSATIABLE.

so broken that she didn’t even have herself left anymore, in front of the graves of her family. She ran up to me and pressed against my chest, crying and asking me to tell her it would be okay. I saw myself bring out Little Macintosh and press it against her head. I said it would be okay, and then I pulled the trigger.

Just to put this all into perspective, this story is based on a cartoon which contains this scene.

I wanted to scream, but I knew I’d just throw up if I opened my mouth. I fell, my forelegs unable to hold me up anymore.

Geez, Homage, way to kill the afterglow. Now I understand why you haven't had much occasion to break out your pony phallus. You get someone off, then you start telling them all about how very, very doomed they are.

I needed something. Anything to believe in. I tried to think of Celestia and Luna, but they were just shadows in my mind now.

I thought of Silver Bell again, but I thought of what had really happened. I saw Velvet bring her to Ditzy Doo. Ditzy Doo. My mind locked on to her.

She's targeting her with V.A.T.S. S.A.T.S.! No, Littlepip! She hasn't done anything to you!

I tried to imagine Ditzy before the war. I couldn’t keep a straight idea of what color her coat was, but I knew from the errant strands still clinging to her that her mane was straw colored. In my mind she was beautiful back then; she had to be. She was flying by, and everypony smiled up at her. With a vague imaginary voice that sounded like a fading echo, she apologized for not having any deliveries for them today.

Just as Littlepip is trying to imagine Ditzy Doo before the war, I'm trying to imagine what her little vision quest has to do with anything at all.

Ditzy turned and looked out at Cloudsdale in the distance. It exploded.

And then it exploded again.

I saw the fire overtake her, and I saw her burning, and she leapt out to try to protect the nearest pony, but they were gone. I saw her fall to the ground as what she was now, a ghoul. I saw her wake up in the newly formed Wasteland. She walked, just looking in shock at the carcass of her world.

Is this still going on? Is Littlepip going to fantasize about the end of the world for much longer? 'Cuz I got shit to do, man.

Then she’d have heard a noise. A foal crying. She’d have run to it. The foal would be too hurt to walk, but would have screamed and tried to run when it saw her. Ditzy smiled reassuringly, only making them scream worse. Then she’d have rolled her eyes independently of each other and the foal would have stopped crying, in confusion if nothing else. Ditzy would have thrown the foal on her back, picked a direction, and would have walked.

Why are you thinking up hypothetical end-of-the-world scenarios for Ditzy Doo? Why are you thinking about a skinless monstrosity in the post-coital afterglow?! This isn't what pillow talk is supposed to be like! "You're going to fucking die, you beautiful creature, and I want to rail you until you do!" "BUBUUBUASHSUAUSUSHWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH ZOMBIES AND NUCLEAR WAR ASDJUGKJASDWBAAAAAWWWW."

On the way, more crying, more screaming, all of them foals. She stopped to gather every single one. She finally came to a collection of huts. The ponies there shot Ditzy on sight. The foals gathered around her and screamed that she helped them, that she was a good pony. The ponies mended her wounds and took the foals in. Ditzy hears screams off in the distance and she leaves.

I'm starting to wonder if the Lord really IS bestowing Littlepip with ethereal visions of the past. That's the only reasonable explanation for this whole sequence. It's so ridiculously random and out of nowhere that nothing else could make it make sense.

I see her much later. A Slaver’s hoof is on her neck, across the room another Slaver is looming over a filly. Ditzy screams, “Don’t hurt her, she’s just a foal. Please, I’ll do anything, just don’t hurt her! You don’t want to do this!”

The Slaver by the filly yells at the one on Ditzy’s neck, “Shut that zombie bitch up! She’s killing my hard-on.”

Hello, new sig quote!

The Slaver on Ditzy’s neck, a unicorn, takes up a knife from a nearby table. “Oh, I’ll shut her up.”

I see Ditzy on the floor, gore pooling around her mouth.



"Hello there, Ditzy Doo. You may not know me, but let me assure you, I am on a mission of paramount importance. With your help, we could finally wipe out ManBearPig from the Equestrian Wasteland for all time."

The two Slavers on the other side of the room, laughing, their backs to her. She pulls herself up, two of her legs are broken. She picks up a piece of piping in her mouth.

I see her taking the filly she rescued to New Appleoosa. She’s helping Ditzy to write. I see Ditzy pouring over a large blank book, she titles it “The Wasteland Survival Guide.”

...So, is this canon, or...?

I see Ditzy making a delivery that takes her past Ponyville, she hears the screams of a filly.

I see her now, as I saw her then, a lifetime ago. She’s beaten, she’s caged, she’s sure she’ll die as soon her captors decide how. She’s wrapped around a foal, trying to help them stop crying. I free her, I thought she was a monster. I see her again, unarmed, about to be killed because there was another filly in pain.

I’m back in the present, and I can’t stop crying. I’m sobbing so hard my entire body hurts.

If your sex doesn't turn into a therapy session by the end, then you're clearly doing something wrong.

Homage touches my back, and I stand up instantly. I suck back enough snot so that I can talk, and I choke out as loud as I can, “You’re wrong.”

I’m still shaking, but I refuse to stop. “I’ve seen some fucking horrors too! I’ve seen things so ugly that it made me wonder if that fucking war only gave us half of what we deserved for having such shit inside us. But that’s wrong!”

I feel exactly the same way after having read this story, Littlepip.

I wipe my eyes so I can see. “I’ve seen goodness too; I’ve seen a town that dealt with Slavers for their livelihood give their lives to save the ponies they partially helped enslave.

I'm sorry. That sentence contains the word "ponies." I cannot take it seriously because of that.

I’ve seen a band of Raiders turn a prison into the beginnings of a trading post, a whole new town.” My throat tightened, but I couldn’t stop now. “I’ve seen a pony who watched her entire fucking world die; she’s suffered every fucking thing either of us can imagine, and the only thing she cares about is helping.”

Wow. Littlepip sure is articulate for someone who was sobbing incoherently mere moments ago.

I stamped the ground. “I will not listen as you or anypony tells me that goodness is a blight. GOODNESS IS NOT A FUCKING BLIGHT!” I screamed as loud as my throat would allow.

To recap the story thus far:

Homage: Sex?

Littlepip: Sex!

Homage: Questions?

Littlepip: Sex!

Homage: Sex.

Littlepip: TOOCOLDTOOCOLDTOOCOLD

Homage: Sex!

Littlepip: Questions!

Homage: SUDDEN MOOD SWING

Littlepip: IMPROMPTU VISION QUEST. GOODNESS IS NOT A FUCKING BLIGHT

Homage: ...Sex!

War never changes.

“I’ve seen things, and I know in my heart that we’re not beyond hope. We can be good. We want to be good! It’s just that in a world so badly broken, darkness has been allowed to run free for so long that they’ve convinced everypony that that’s the way it is now. Ponies just need to be shown that they don’t have to be scared all the time, and they’ll fight against the darkness again, and one day foals will laugh at the idea that there were once monsters in the shadows.”

Was that meant to be inspiring? Maybe it was how laughably it was written, or the fact that it contains words like "Everypony" and "Anypony," but nah, I don't see any inspiration in there. Just a whooole lotta silliness.

I stood my ground and looked at Homage; she was frozen today. “You say that they’ll either kill me or I’ll give up. Well they’re going to have to fucking kill me, because their world is a lie and I will not give up. Ever!” I breathed heavily and the tears dried up in me. Homage just stared at me as though she’d never seen me before.

Homage panicked and tried to purge the memory of that speech from her mind, but overdid it in her haste and wound up deleting half of her memory.

I didn’t know what I expected her to do, but I certainly didn’t expect her to kiss me and lead me back to the bed. “I believe you,” was all she said.

I blinked my burning eyes. “Come again?”

“I intend to as soon as you get over here,” she said with a half smile.

This fucking story...

I just looked at her. “I believe you. I was wrong. I thought I’d seen heroes before. I thought I’d seen everything before.” Tears streamed down her face, she ignored them. “But I’d never seen you before. I believe you, Littlepip. I believe in you. Things can change,

!!!

*flips/vanishes*

and when they do, it’ll be because you reminded us all that darkness is just a passing thing and that our true nature is good.”

I guess I wasn’t out of tears after all.

So we went from bad erotica to bad naval-gazing to bad hurt/comfort. Talk about running the gamut.

“Now get your adorable ass over here. I’m going to give you that tutorial I promised.”

Homage: You are going to learn how to use Microsoft PowerPoint if it kills me!

I climbed back into bed with her. With her mouth on me and mine on her, she taught me. She went slowly so that I didn’t get too excited. After some rigorous testing, I turned out to be, well, passable anyway.

The fuck is that? Did you just get shy at the end, author?

Homage lay sleeping beside me. I knew I should have joined her long ago, but I just laid there and ate the last apple from the bowl as I watched her sleep.

Fatty.

I felt something I’d only heard about in rumors and stories burning in my chest.

Diarrhea is like a storm, raging inside your body.

Love, they always called it. I loved her.

"I've known her for about forty-eight hours, if that, and most of that time was spent having impromptu sex and therapy sessions, but I know that I am unconditionally and irrevocably in love with her HURRDURR CROWNING MOMENT UV HERTWURMING

She had shown me that even a pony who thought they had seen it all could still have hope. And when there was love and hope, evil would never stand a chance.

That's where you're wrong, Sailor Equestria. Evil will always triumph over good, because good is dumb.

I made a mental note to give Ditzy a big squishy hug sometime for reminding me of that.

I laughed at my own cheesy thoughts. “Goddesses, I am so gay.”

Ahahahaha, it is funny because lesbian shenanigans recently occured, and thus, this statement is ironic in light of those shenanigans.

******

I wish I had more to say, but damn, what else is there TO say? That was maddening, absolutely maddening. Ain't nothin' more to do now but hide under my bed from lesbian horses looking to penetrate me with rubber penises.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Oct 25 2011, 08:37 AM

[Badass Overlord]

Fuckity fuck fuck fuck. They killed my fandom!

[Max-Vader]

One of my favorite things about Fallout 3 is that I never, ever had to worry about sex with Three Dog making him announce to the greater D.C. area that my character was bad in bed.

Man, what kind of fucked-up characters have you been playing as?!

GODDAMMIT, EQUESTRIA! THIS IS WHY YOU LOST THE WAR! WHILE THE ZEBRAS WERE DEVISING COMPLEX PLANS TO SMUGGLE NUCLEAR WEAPONRY INTO YOUR MAJOR POPULATION CENTERS, YOU WERE BUSY COMING UP WITH NEW AND EXCITING WAYS TO PENETRATE ONE ANOTHER! WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS, HUH?! WAS IT YOU, APPLEJACK? IT WAS, WASN'T IT?!

Hahaha, amazing. That was a pretty awesome mock.

[T_K_17]

One of my favorite things about Fallout 3 is that I never, ever had to worry about sex with Three Dog making him announce to the greater D.C. area that my character was bad in bed.

Three Dog: "Now I know all you guys are wondering about that Vault Dweller roaming around the Wasteland and there's one question on all your minds: "How good is he in bed?" In short, not very. Seriously, this is the kind of guy who will fuck you in the ass and not have the decent common courtesy to give you the reach-around. So if you ever come across the Vault Dweller in your travels and he's not wearing pants, just turn around an- no wait, don't turn around. Just moonwalk away.

This has been Three Dog OOWWWWWWW and you're listening to Galaxy News Radio. Now some music. It's Pinkie Pie and her classic "Giggle at the Ghostie". Just a heads-up: That doesn't actually work."

[Waffleman]

That was too long. Why was that so long? Why does a 42 chapter FO/MLP crossover exist? Why the world?

[Lizard-Man]

So why exactly did you have a youtube clip of Patton's theme song as your clue to what you were doing this fanfic on exactly Al?

Also good mock, very funny.

[T_K_17]

Why does a 42 chapter FO/MLP crossover exist? Why the world?

Well it all started when...



Better than the actual fanfiction explanation.

[Shmeckie]

So... You won't mock the long-ass MLP fanfiction with the world's dumbest premise, eh...?

Hmmm...

[Badass Overlord]

If there's a bad fanfic that involves Fallout, then I am on that shit.

[Lizard-Man]

It's 42+ chapters long BO, you sure you can handle that? Hell Al himself says it's not even that terrible. At least not on Neon's level. You sure you can actually make that funny? I mean it's hard to make a mediocre fanfic funny.

[Shmeckie]

Considering what MLP has done to Al's standards, I wouldn't bank on it being "not that terrible."

I am, however, interested in taking it on myself. But I can't do it alone...

[Waffleman]

Don't look at me. I'm already dealing with Kingdom Hearts Nazis. I have no time for Fallout ponies.

[Badass Overlord]

I am, however, interested in taking it on myself. But I can't do it alone...

I'm up for doing a few chapters if you plan to mock it.

[Max-Vader]

Considering what MLP has done to Al's standards, I wouldn't bank on it being "not that terrible."

I am, however, interested in taking it on myself. But I can't do it alone...

Then let our powers combine! With anger, lechery, uh... BO-ness and some other shit I forgot, we shall become Captain Hatred, PA's greatest hero!

[chevy]

i thought you were doing Bittersweet, Al? what happened?

also, i'd be down for mocking the fic, love the hell out of fallout and its lore and seeing it plagued with ponies is just shameful

This post has been edited by chevy: Oct 25 2011, 04:40 PM

[Al_Cone]

Considering what MLP has done to Al's standards, I wouldn't bank on it being "not that terrible."

I am, however, interested in taking it on myself. But I can't do it alone...

Oh, there are a million and a half things wrong with this fanfic. I could write an essay deconstructing how ludicrous the premise alone is. I'm under no illusions of it being particularly great. "Not that terrible" and "SO AWESOME" are two different entities.

Plus, it's forty-two chapters long, and each of THOSE chapters are so long as to break the forum's size limit six hundred times over. No thank you. You're welcome to it, of course, and maybe I'll chip in (if the price is right), but taking it on solo? That's suicide.

i thought you were doing Bittersweet, Al? what happened?

I AM doing Bittersweet, after Normal Teenage Life is finished.

[DraculaMarth]

Well, I've never averted from jumping onto bandwagons, so I guess I could join in at some point. Currently however, I have 2 group mocks and Mykan Jerks Off Beast Boy: The Movie to handle at the moment.

[Al_Cone]

...So, all of you guys posting about doing the main story actually read my mock, right?

[T_K_17]

...So, all of you guys posting about doing the main story actually read my mock, right?

You wrote a mock?

Anyway I'm not in this. I already have two mocks in progress along with my own pony mock in the planning phase.

This post has been edited by T_K_17: Oct 25 2011, 04:44 PM

[Protto]

Wow, uh... I think I need to take an eight hour shower...

Also, I'm willing to help out with a couple chapters of the main story.