Haruhi Suzumiya: The Suicide Chronicles, My title > The original title Options

[Al_Cone]

Ah, attempting suicide. Beloved pastime of teenagers and mopey, self-centered gits all the world over. Would you believe that it also happens to be a well-worn plot device used by uncreative fan fiction authors?

I know! I was shocked too, but it turns out that there is a vast overlap between teenage, mopey, self-centered gits and fan fiction authors! Who knew? And the story that I have here, mocked for your pleasure, is definitely one worth reading, to get a better understanding of both of those groups. Here, you will learn about the selfish, me-first attitude of your average teenager, while seeing, first-hand, the failure to construct a storyline using two first person narrations. And, of course, there are several powerful lessons to learn from this fanfic, which I will be summarizing a la My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic at the end of our journey.

So have fun, kids!

******

I can't believe it. I actually slapped her. I slapped Haruhi.

Huh? That's odd. I don't remember writing this story.

I won't say she didn't deserve it, but that still doesn't make it right.

Don't diminish your accomplishment there, Kyon; you've done the world a great service. Now hurry, finish her! Finish her off!

I bet she really hates me now. Hell, I kinda hate myself. I guess I'm depressed.

Depressed? What's to be depressed about? I just slapped God!

"Amateur," snorted Pontius Pilate.

So why do I feel suddenly empty? I probably just feel guilty because so many people were watching. If that's the case, what's with the depression?

I am really starting to hate myself now. I'm honestly considering a suicide. That's it, I'll hang myself.

I'm not convinced this is Kyon. That that could be any Japanese man in the country.

Actually, I've got a much better idea.

Next day, after school

Dakari-King Mykyon gazed triumphantly at his screenplay--"Musical: Grease Except With Teen Titans Characters Instead of Grease Characters". "This was a much better idea than killing myself!"

That bastard Kyon didn't show up to class today. Good riddance. He slapped me across the face in front of the few people who really respect me.

Sorry sweetie, but a rice cooker from 1987, a stack of old issues of Penthouse, your Sephiroth plushie and Yuki Nagato don't count as "people."

I bet I won't even see him in the clubroom today. If ever does decide to come back, I will personally beat that sarcastic smile off his sorry face. No mercy, not even for him! Wait, that sounded like I meant I normally make exceptions for him, which isn't what I meant at all. Damn my lack of awareness!

Haruhi: That's it! I'm killing myself!

I somehow managed to get to the clubroom before Mikuru, Itsuki, and Yuki, but the one member who was there was not in his usual position.

Being autistic, Haruhi had an emotional breakdown at the sight of something being out of place.

The table and chairs had all been pushed out of the way except for one that was on its side in the middle of the floor. Just above this chair was a boy I wish I hadn't recognized.

Pinned to Bobby Hill's shirt was a tear-spatterd black and white glossy of Warran Beatty.

Kyon was hanging from the ceiling of the clubroom, a noose around his neck.

I nearly fainted on the spot. Why the hell did Kyon kill himself? He's the one who slapped me! Is there something I'm missing here?

Yes, Haruhi, one of your friends has committed suicide, so you'd better make it all about you.

"Hello, miss Suzumiya, I see you're—oh..." Itsuki said as he entered the room and saw the gruesome sight.

I think I read a doujin like this once.

It doesn't go well from here.

"Why, Kyon?" I asked the body. "Why did you do it? You always grumbled about how much you didn't like me, and when you finally have me beat, you kill yourself?" I could feel ears coming to my eyes.

I'm putting this at number one on my list of fanfics that need to be acted out in G-Mod.

It was then that I realized it. I may hate his guts today, but I once had a dream.

"Martin Luther King plagiarized it for a speech, so I shot him and set up James Earl Ray as the fall guy."

I called it a nightmare the, but now I look back on it as a fantasy. Kyon was there. He said some pretty strange things, and he decided to end our conversation with something I would never expect from the real Kyon.

Gentlemanly conduct?

He kissed me, full on the lips.

I see what you mean. Kyon's more of a voyeur. Less of a doer.

The tears were now freely falling from my eyes. I didn't care that the entire brigade was watching. I walked over to Kyon's body and wrapped my arms around it.

Kyon: I'd hug you back, but, y'know. Rigor mortis and all.

"I can't believe I never had the courage to say this while you were alive," I whispered softly. "I love you, Kyon."

I then felt a wave of deep depression spread outward from my chest as I realized that he wasn't going to come back.

Haruhi has just realized that people die when they are killed. That's the way it should be.

"Well if he's not coming back, I'm going in after him!" I declared to no one in particular.

Haruhi. Sweetheart. This isn't Inception. You can't dive into people's dreams in this show. What's more, even if you could, you wouldn't be able to dive into Kyon's dream anyway, because he is not asleep, HE IS DEAD, and dead people do not have dreams. Why is this such a difficult concept for you to understand?

I then ran over to the closet and searched for something I could use.

"Miss Suzumiya, what are you doing?" Mikuru asked in a panicked tone.

Mikuru knows Haruhi well enough to realize that she must always be the center of attention. Even when one of her friends is suspended from the ceiling by a noose.

"Exactly what I said I would. I'm going after Kyon!" I then found what I was looking for. I don't know what a gun was doing in the back of a literary club closet, but I didn't care.

The SOS Brigade got the clubroom from the Literary Club, who, in turn, got it from the NRA. After moving out, they realized that they'd accidentally left an M4 behind. They were gonna go back and get it, but, c'mon. It's just an M4.

I put the tip of the gun to the side of my head and shouted, "don't try to stop me!"

Itsuki and the girls are sittin' back with a tub of popcorn right...Yuki's trying to guess the trajectory of Haruhi's brains...Mikuru's practically hysterical with joy...

Also, how stupid is Haruhi? Doesn't she know that you need to put the gun down before it'll fire?!

"Wait Haruhi!" I never intended it to go this far. I only wanted to pull a cruel practical joke on Haruhi, I never even considered she'd turn it around like this. And what she had whispered just now...

So you raise your hand to a woman (I know that Haruhi's actually a being of pure terror from beyond the pall of human understanding, but grant me the conceit) and, out of pure remorse, you decide to play a cruel practical joke on her (and on all of your unsuspecting friends) because...hitting her made you feel bad about yourself?

So Haruhi sees a suicide and decides that she's the center of attention, and Kyon beats a woman and decides that he's the victim. Gosh, these two go together better than Raven and Garfield.

It didn't matter. I was too late. I saw the bullet come out the other side of Haruhi's head as she toppled to the floor.

Kyon can see in bullet time.

I unhooked the harness I had been using to create the illusion that I had hung myself and stumbled across the room. It was apparent that the others had also thought me dead, except Nagato, of course.

She didn't speak up, of course, because she was too busy counting down the seconds before Haruhi blew her own head off and freed her from a lifetime of servitude and boredom.

"Haruhi," I felt a sudden sense of overwhelming guilt. I knelt and put Haruhi's head in my lap and began to sob quietly.

Kyon: Whoa, that was a mistake. Fuck, this is totally going to stain...

"K-kyon?" was I hearing things? Did Haruhi's corpse just speak? "Kyon, I'm here. I followed you."

Holy shit, it's Zombie Haruhi! Quickly, Kyon, grab the gun and finish the job!

"Haruhi..." I started shakily. "I-I'm not dead."

"You idiot," she muttered as she sat up. "Stop denying it, I saw you hanging from the ceiling."

Haruhi's last suicide attempt came when she saw Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark and noticed the rigging attached to Spidey's waist.

"No, it was a trick. I'm not dead... b-but-" I couldn't bring myself to say it.

"But you should be, miss Suzumiya," Koizumi explained for me.

"Itsuki? What are you doing here?" Haruhi asked as she slowly sat up. She then gripped the side of her head in pain. "Oh, where'd this headache come from?"

Haruhi's suicide has allowed the spirit of Rita Repulsa to posses her.

She then removed her hand from the side of her head and saw the crimson liquid on her palm. She finally figured it out.

Not content with merely slapping her, Kyon had broken a bottle of delicious cocktail sauce upside her head!

She had shot herself in the head, and she'd lived. I guess she really is God.

That, or a Combat Arms player.

"So, Haruhi, what were you saying before?" I asked when the shock had left the group.

Nothing phases these guys. "Lookit that. Our friend who committed suicide turned out not to be dead, and our other friend who committed suicide seems to have survived her point-blank bullet wound. When's dinner?"

"What are you talking about?" she replied, as oblivious as ever.

"Y'know, you were afraid to say it while I was alive, so you whispered it to my supposedly dead body," I was stepping across several boundaries that were never meant to be crossed, but I didn't care.

The Korean Demilitarized Zone can go fuck itself!

"N-nothing, never mind... I don't remember," she stuttered as she turned away to hide a blush.

"Liar. You and I both know what you said back there," I said as she turned back to me with an even deeper blush and a very angry face, "and to be completely honest... I... I kinda like you... too."

"I have something to tell you...and it's very hard to say...but...I love you."

"Yeah, I kinda like you too."

Kyon's a virgin, you say? Well, color me shocked.

This simple statement surprised both of us, along with everyone else in the clubroom. Thanks to Haruhi's gunshot, there were a lot of people in the room, all of whom awkwardly shuffled out after I hade made this confession.

Yeah, a gunshot in a Japanese high school's nothing to get worked up over. No need to involve the police, folks! Just someone discharging an illegal firearm in a school club room! Nothing to see here!

As soon as the door had been closed behind the last people out of the room, Haruhi wrapped her arms around my shoulders and drew me into a kiss. So many thoughts were rushing through my head in that one instant that my brain just shut down and let my lips do all the work.

That good for nothing brain, sloughing all its work onto the poor, repressed, overburdened lips. Revolution's brewin', I tells ya.

"Kyon?" Haruhi asked as she slowly pulled away.

"Yeah, Haru-" she interrupted my response with a slap across my face.

Uh-oh, now Haruhi needs to kill herself. Quick, where's that gun?

"That was for yesterday," same old Haruhi.

Haruhi and I love each other. It took both of our attempted suicides to realize it.

And if that's not a rock-solid foundation for a relationship, then I don't know what is!

She may be egocentric and a little crazy, but she's normal enough for me.

Haruhi could transform into a nineteen-legged pig mantis, and she still wouldn't meet Kyon's criteria for crazy shit.

Besides, what's life without its narcissists?

He may be too sensible, He may be too normal, but then, that's why I love him.

Is Leela describing her short-lived relationship with average everyman Adlai Atkins?

Besides, if everyone were a creative thinker, who'd do all the dirty work?

A/N: Hooray for being OOC! I'm sorry if this story is a little disturbing, but it's been bouncing around my head for nearly four months and I had to get it down on paper... or into Word...

Understandable. Think you could put it back though?

Of course Haruhi would kill herself if Kyon killed himself! She's obviously got a crush on him to the point that she'd want to follow him wherever he goes.

Remember: It's not true love unless there's a suicide thrown in somewhere.

It's okay if you flame this, but I prefer constructive critisism.

I don't own Haruhi Suzumiya no Yuutsu or any of its characters.

Nagaru Tanigawa was all set to DMCA this fanfic, but then he saw the disclaimer at the bottom and was all like "Curses!"

******

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today, I've learned so very many things about friendship. For one, when you wrong one of your friends, it's perfectly natural to feel bad about it. But you need to move right past it so that you can come up with a way to emotionally scar them. Always strike while the iron is hot! Tomorrow, I'm going to throw sand in Rarity's face, and then set fire to her boutique, destroying her entire livelihood.

For another, whenever one of your friends is attempting suicide, you should never, ever step in, even when you are fully capable of stopping it. That's why tomorrow, when Fluttershy makes her weekly suicide attempt, I'm going to suggest different poses that she could leave behind.

Finally, when two people love each other very, very much, they must be physically abusive as well. So tomorrow, I'm going to kiss Rainbow Dash on the lips, then kick her in the vagina.

Your faithful student,

-Twilight Sparkle

[Dr. O]

That was great. Especially the part where Kyon just sort of watched while Haruhi took out the gun and got ready to shoot herself. He only tried to stop her after he thought she was already dead. "Eh, I guess I should do something, but on the other hand... it can wait." Best conflict resolution skills ever.

And I guess Yuki was impersonating a statue and Mikuru was hastily reaching for a camera so she could finally make that Haruhi snuff film she always dreamed of.

The point is that Haruhi's a terrible person and also this mock is funny.

This post has been edited by Dr. O: Aug 18 2011, 05:25 PM

[xoxjoanxox]

There are so many things I want to say about this fic, yet so little words...

P.S. Al supports Twilight SparklexRainbow Dash, must macro that somehow.

[oneluckyduck]

Dakari-King Mykyon. I c wut u did thar.

And this is amazingly funny, I really mean it! You managed to hit every point!

[Badass Overlord]

"Amateur," snorted Pontius Pilate.

This line had me laughing.

[Al_Cone]

This line had me laughing.

I should hope it wasn't the only one that did...

[Badass Overlord]

Oh yeah, I made this for you...the only problem is that I can't move her ears to her face...



I'll make an even more ridiculous one later.

This post has been edited by Badass Overlord: Aug 18 2011, 08:55 PM

[Zana]

So Kyon slaps Haruhi, feels bad enough about it that he wants to kill himself, but then decides he'll just pretend to kill himself because...why? What fucked up kind of reasoning is that?

Ah, well, hilairous mock.

[T_K_17]

Finally, when two people love each other very, very much, they must be physically abusive as well. So tomorrow, I'm going to kiss Rainbow Dash on the lips, then kick her in the vagina.

You shut up, you Dang Dirty Troll! Rainbow Dash is a Fun-Loving Tomboy and she is Stuh-Raight, and she will be Depicted as Such! Or else the consequences...



...will never be the same.

TOMBOYS/TOMGIRLS UNITE!

Also, here's the GMod depiction you wanted:

[Felloffalot]

You shut up, you Dang Dirty Troll! Rainbow Dash is a Fun-Loving Tomboy and she is Stuh-Raight, and she will be Depicted as Such! Or else the consequences...



...will never be the same.

TOMBOYS/TOMGIRLS UNITE!

Also, here's the GMod depiction you wanted:

What the heck is up with that arm? It looks like a fin!

[Dr. O]

Hey now. That is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen and I will brook no criticism of it.

[Felloffalot]

Hey now. That is the most beautiful picture I've ever seen and I will brook no criticism of it.

I think the best part is that blurry present box in the background.

[T_K_17]

What the heck is up with that arm? It looks like a fin!

I had to twist her arm at a funky angle to get it in postion, which made it slightly smaller in the upper arm.

[Al_Cone]

Hello, new wallpaper~!

[oneluckyduck]

Actually, that's not a bad idea...

[Matto]

A new mock by Al Cone? AWESOME!

A mock making fun of Haruhi Suzumiya? DOUBLE AWESOME!

[oneluckyduck]

I checked out your sig, Al. ICWhutUDidThar.

[Zana]

What the heck is up with that arm? It looks like a fin!

Her hand is a dolphin?

But that model is pretty creepy. Is it from a game? (What would you even do in a Haruhi game?)

[T_K_17]

But that model is pretty creepy. Is it from a game? (What would you even do in a Haruhi game?)

It's a model for Garry's Mod created by some animu fag.

[Al_Cone]

It's a model for Garry's Mod created by some animu fag.

Yeah, but think of the potential it has. You could make an entire G-Mod series based around Haruhi Suzumiya dying in various undignified ways.