"Soul of a Raven" Anthology, A Three-Fic Special Edition Options

[Al_Cone]

With the next chapter of NTL: Gaiden in the works, and with no new chapter of NTL coming this week, I figured I'd keep to my recent weekly update schedule by finding something non NTL-related and mocking the hell out of it.

My search ended when I stumbled upon the ff.net profile of one Soul of a Raven. What caught my eye was a brief post in the Teen Titans section by him, declaring that he was "back." This amused me, because it indicated that Soul of a Raven felt that his return was so important, it warranted a proclamation disguised as a fanfic. After browsing his canon, I have concluded that, no, it was not that important at all, and that he has a very inflated self-image.

For a while now, I've wanted to mock some bad BB/Rae fanfiction, because despite my affection for the ship, there is some bad, bad fanfiction devoted to them. Fortunately, Soul of a Raven was there to provide me with copious amounts of material. There were so many stories, all so uniquely awful, that I decided to make this a threefer. The short length of the stories certainly helped in that department.

So here you go--a three-story anthology by Soul of a Raven. The stories are:

1. Words I Can't Say
2. Everything Raven Wants
3. Love you with all my heart

If those titles didn't warn you off just now, then you're not too much smarter than I am.

******

Words I Can't Say
Song Present Flashback

Asparagus Wooden Coattail. Foot Necklace Tragedy. Gelatinous Leopard Stockings. Neil Patrick Harris. Three Word Salad.

The name's Al Cone.

Rachel Roth walked down the road, black heels clicking against the dark pavement with each step she took, the streetlights illuminating the street.

Behind her strutted a man in a purple velvet suit with a white fur coat and a broad, ten-gallon hat with a red feather stuck inside. Out of all of A Pimp Named Sladeback's many hos, Rachel Roth was his most prized.

Her short blue dress ruffling in the slight breeze, her messy lavender hair pinned up, two strands framing her heart shaped face.

That is the fanciest and teeth-rottingly sugariest way of saying "she had a widow's peak" that anybody could ever say. And it's a phrase that I cannot stand.

"In a book, in a box, in the closet," Rachel sang as she walked under the streetlight, thoughts on what just happened.

She's reciting the locations of her Horcruxes.

They were standing beneath the moonlight, swaying back and forth to the music coming from the stereo of his car.

One of the problems with mocking a story in the forums is that the formatting from the story on ff.net gets lost, and I never want to reformat it so that you read it the way it was when it was originally posted. So take my word for it, this is a flashback. A stupid, stupid flashback.

"In a line, in a song I once heard," "You look beautiful tonight, Rae." Logan said his emerald eyes shining with affection as he gently brushed a lock of hair out of her eyes. She felt her lips form a smile as she looked down at the ground, a small blush dusting her pale cheeks.

She couldn't believe that she was actually on a date with Wolverine!

This prose is more purple than Raven's fucking hair.

"In a moment on a front porch late one June," She walked farther down the pavement, regret pulsing through her veins with every step she took. "I love you, Rachel." He whispered in her ear, his hot breath sending chills creeping up her spine. "In a breath inside a whisper beneath the moon,"" She sang lost in thought.

It must be really hard to hold a conversation with Rachel, if the only way she knows how to communicate is by reciting song lyrics.

"Hey Rachel, do you have the time?"

"The Devil went down to Georgia, looking for a soul to steal."

"That's great, Rachel, but do you have the fucking time?"

"Blue moon, you saw me standing alone."

"I… I," She tried to form the words, but they wouldn't come out. She couldn't say it. "There it was on the tip of my tongue, There you were and I had never been that far, There it was the whole world wrapped inside my arms," She sang wrapping her arms around herself.

This isn't Bob Dylan, is it? Because if so, then I think we may have a Cylon on our hands.

She shook her head, staring down at the ground. She felt the cold breeze as his arms unwrapped themselves around her body.

"There it was at the tips of my fingers,

"And I let it all slip away,"

Rachel: Next thing I knew, a half-pint of rocky road was spilled all over the sidewalk. Most depressing day of my life.

She watched as he walked to his car. She reached out as if to grasp him, as if he was still there, standing in front of her, but she knew he wasn't.

She'd cremated his body to prevent him from coming back to life as a vengeful zombie.

Rachel lowered her arm.She watched as he got in the car, shutting the door as soon as he was in. She watched as he drove away from her. "What do I do now that you're gone, No backup plan, no second chance," She sank to the ground.

Rachel: Please don't leave me, ground! I don't have a back-up plan for if you leave me alone!

"And no one else to blame, All I can hear in the silence that remains," "I love you, too." She said her body shaking as she cried."Are the words I couldn't say,""There's a rain that will never stop fallin',

Rachel's vacation to Burmecia could not have ended on a worse note.

There's a wall that I tried to take down," She walked past a couple, smiling faintly as she remembered when they first met.

They were both members of a demolition crew that was trying to remove a brick wall from Dakari-King Mykan's property. It was giving him a STROKE!!!

"What I should have said just wouldn't pass my lips, So I held back and now we've come to this,""And it's too late now," She heard the man whisper 'I love you' to his lover.

Ah, vicariously experiencing romance by stalking random couples down the street. It's like high school all over again for me.

"What do I do now that you're gone," It sounded so easy to say. "No backup plan, no second chance, And no one else to blame, All I can hear in the silence that remains,"'I love you too.' She heard the girl whisper back.

Girl: ...sweetheart, have you noticed that depressed looking girl following us and muttering to herself?

Guy: Don't worry, babe. I got my concealed weapons license in the mail the other day, remember?

"Are the words I couldn't say,"

Rachel can't pronounce "Mississippi" without stuttering. It's a sore spot for her.

"I should have found the way to tell you how I felt," She leaned against a streetlight pole a safe distance away from the happy couple.

Too late now does Rachel realize that she could easily have spelled the words in rocks outside of Logan's window.

"Now the one I'm telling is myself," "I love you," She said, standing up off the ground. Why couldn't she just say those simple three words?

...But you just said them. Stop complaining.

"What do I do now that you're gone," She raised her hands to grip the sides of her head, shaking it furiously."No backup plan, no second chance, And no one else to blame," She lowered her hands to wrap her arms around herself.

Behind the two-way mirror, the director of the psychiatric institution that Rachel had been brought to scribbled notes on the girl's deteriorating mental state.

"All I can hear in the silence that remains," "I love you." "Are the words I couldn't say,"

"What do I do" "What do I do?" "now that you're gone," "What do I say?" "No backup plan, no second chance, And no one else to blame, All I can hear in the silence that remains," "Rachel!" "Are the words I couldn't say,""Rachel?"

I really, really hope that Logan just caught Rachel on a bad day, and that she's not really the basket case whose sanity hangs by a thin, taut thread the way this story implies she is.

What do I do (What do I do?) now that you're gone (What do I say?)
No backup plan, no second chance

I say you pick yourself off the ground and stop babbling song lyrics to yourself. My God, woman, if you could see yourself right now.

She turned around to see a man getting out of a car, the streetlight illuminating his sharp features. Logan.

Wolverine stalked towards Rachel, his claws extended. Panicking, she tried to ward him off the only way that she knew how: By hugging herself and reciting song lyrics.

And no one else to blame
All I can hear in the silence that remains

Rachel ran towards him, tears in her eyes as she wrapped her arms around his torso. "I love you," She said through the tears. "I love you so much." He wrapped his arms around her, laying his head on top of hers.
Are the words I couldn't say

"I love you, too."

Well, that was the least entertaining existential crisis I have ever had the displeasure to read about.

******

That story had absolutely no point to it. The sequence of events can be best summarized as follows:

-Rachel can't say "I love you."

-Rachel goes for a walk and begins singing to herself.

-Rachel remembers that she can't say "I love you."

-Rachel discovers a couple who say "I love you" to one another.

-Rachel collapses on the ground and starts to cry.

-Logan shows up and Rachel says that she loves him.

What a fucking bizarre story. I realize that it's less than a thousand words long, and that most of that is just nonsensically-placed song lyrics, but there's probably room in there for some kind of character arc or internal development. Instead, Rachel just spontaneously overcomes her commitment issues and proclaims her love to Logan after spending the night laying on the dirt and whimpering. I hope that Soul of a Raven's other stories make up for this, and that I simply picked a bad apple from his literary apple tree.

******

Everything Raven Wants
Aftermath to Trouble in Tokyo:

This is already more promising.

Raven was sitting in the Kitchen, thinking,

Now it's less promising.

Starfire and Robin went on a date to a fancy restraunt, Cyborg went to pick up Bee for their date, and god knows where Beastboy is,

This had better not be a crossover with that fanfic where Beast Boy becomes God's personal angel of vengeance.

Yes. That exists.

so since I'm here alone might as well listen to music.

And now I no longer have any hope for this being the better of the two stories.

Raven used her powers to open up a portal to her room,

Walking down the hallway and passing through the automatic sliding door into her room would simply have been too much effort for her. Best to use black magic and sorcery to get from place to place. You know, like Beast Boy and Terra's kids.

Ah, here it is, she thought picking up her dark blue IPod.

It had a pikture of Marlion Mason on it.

She went back through the portal to the kitchen, she walked over to the speakers that were programmed into computer, and she plugged in her IPod. She turned to the song that made her think of personal things,

Raven: Oh, DMX. Someday, you'll learn where da hood at.

"Everything You Want" by Vertical Horizon.

Do you think Vertical Horizon--or indeed, any of the bands featured in Soul of a Raven's fanfiction--appreciates the free advertising that they're getting here?

As it starts to play, she curled up on the couch, sitting hugging her legs to her chest,

What is it with these stories and portraying Raven as some PTSD-stricken wallflower who is completely broken without Beast Boy's azarath metrioning her zinthos?

facing the sunset outside the window, she didn't hear as Beastboy came in, fixing to ask her where the others were, he paused mid-sentence, listening as the lyrics started playing;

You see my swag
Now you wanna come and give me all this drag
I think you better back, back
Because my hand is itching to give you a smack

I'm strongly considering replacing every one of the lyrics in this story with the lyrics to Look Pimpin'.

Somewhere there's speaking
It's already coming in
Oh and it's rising at the back of your mind
You never could get it
Unless you were fed it
Now you're here and you don't know why

Somehow, I think that it would be an improvement. You know what, yeah, why the fuck not? Raven is now a fan of MadWorld.

What's your name again Jack?
It's the end of the road ain't no turning back
Don't let the fly taste fool you
Matter fact it's about time that I school you

Don't worry I'm not in a hurry
I don't even wanna get my fresh gear dirty
A little birdie chirped of your flurry
Now I must nip it or better yet bury

Raven started mumbling about Malchoir, how it hurt her to find out he used her for her powers.

So Soul of a Raven watches Teen Titans, sees an independent young woman with omnipotent black magic, and thinks to himself "Hey, you know what? This character would be so much better if she was an emotionally broken maniac who holds conversations with herself!"

The very mention of Malchoirs name rose up anger and hate inside Beastboy, he wanted to murder Malchoir for doing that to Raven:

Unfortunately, Robin had forbidden him from touching the paper shredder after he borrowed the Book of Love from Peter Gabriel and went to town on it. Bruce was still paying off the settlement from that case.

Incidentally, if I have to read a songfic set to The Book of Love, I'm going to throw my computer out the window.

Your entity look at me while I'm talking
I heard you lurking or was it even stalking
My program thinking you're the man in the place
Now it's about time you catch a hand to the face

Raven thought of Terra and Beastboys kiss and started crying:

Decimating the entire city as her emotions ran wild and obliterated everything left and right.

Look Pimpin' I ain't playing

Raven thought of Beastboy, how he cared about her when she got hurt, and the moment that they hugged, and he pulled back, she wondered what he was going to say before Cyborg interrupted, "Why am I thinking about Beastboy," she said to herself, not knowing that Beastboy was standing a couple of steps behind her, he looked up in shock as she said this:

Goddamn, that is the Jesse Owens of run-on sentences!

In a minute you're gonna be laying
On the ground I ain't messing around
My city, my rules, my money, my town

Look Pimpin' I ain't playin'
In a minute you're gonna be laying
On the ground I ain't messing around
My city, my rules, my money, my town

Brim tilted, coat quilted
Fresh to death literally I do kill it
Blood spilleth in this game of death
Yeah you hear the announcer but ain't no ref

Raven was still crying, saying Beastboys name to herself, over and over, each time causing a new pain to spring up in her chest:

Raven's going to kill herself the only way she knows how: by Beast Boy-induced cardiac arrest.

I just kept hearing your name too much
And that's it, now I just came to touch
Your backbone with a boot, a cane to the tooth
It don't take much now, ain't that the truth?

Beastboy starts singing, causing Raven to jump and turn around:

Beast Boy: SPLIT YOUR LUNGS WITH BLOOD AND THUNDER!!! WHEN YOU SEE THE WHITE WHALE!!!

Raven: BREAK YOUR BACKS AND CRACK YOUR OARS, MEN!!! IF YOU WISH TO PREVAIL!!!

A new love was born that day. A love centered around raw throats, heavy metal and illegal whaling. And Herman Melville. Lots and lots of Herman Melville.

My boo got a thing for you
She really likes money but the pain will do
You can't hang, you a featherweight
I can't believe that you made it this far it'll never take

Beastboy starts walking towards Raven as she gets up from the couch she was sitting on, and starts walking towards Beastboy, who is still singing:

a lot of work to make you levitate
I strike first, don't hesitate to populate the murder rate
You just sealed your fate
On the holidays that'll be one less plate

Beastboys face was sad as he sang this, Raven stared up into his beautiful emerald eyes, seeing the sadness and longing depressing sorrow and evilness in them, she stepped back in surprise,

All that depressing sorrow and evilness startled her.

this caused Beastboy to turn his back to her, so she wouldn't see the tear that rolled down his cheek. He closed his eyes and continued singing;

Look Pimpin' I ain't playing
In a minute you're gonna be laying
On the ground I ain't messing around
My city, my rules, my money, my town

When he opened his eyes he saw Raven standing in front of him,

I'll bet she had to use a portal to step in front of him. Lazy bitch.

new tears forming in her eyes, she brought her hand up to his face and gently wiped his tears away, she started to pull her hand away but before she could he caught her hand in mid-air, he placed it back on his cheek, he looked into her eyes and saw something he didn't expect to see,

Beast Boy: Uh, I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that you have pinkeye, Raven.

he saw love.

Raven took a step closer towards him, they were so close their foreheads touched.

Beast Boy: Ow! Fuck!

Raven: What is it?!

Beast Boy: Could you have at least filed your gemstone before head-butting me?! God, it's like you're part unicorn!

"You mean everything to me," Raven said gently, her lips brushing his.

Beastboy closed the little space they had and kissed her passionately on the lips, he wrapped his arms around her waist, to pull her closer, she put her free hand on the small of his back and deepened the kiss.

They do this a couple times a week. Different song every time too. One time it was Honkey-Tonk Blues. The others were present for that one, and they still haven't stopped making fun of Beast Boy and Raven over it. That's why they wait until they're alone now.

Neither one wanted to break the kiss but, when the need for air became a necessity,

I love it when that line pops up in a story, because it confirms my suspicions that the author has never, ever kissed anybody in their life.

they broke apart but, kept each other close.

Not as close as they kept their enemies, but still pretty close.

"How long have you been standing there anyway," Raven asked out of curiosity.

"Since the song began," Beastboy said smiling as Raven blushed.

"So, you heard everything I said?"

"Yes," Beastboy said still smiling as Raven looked down at the ground.

Raven: ...did you hear all those parts where I started babbling to myself about Malchior?

Beast Boy: Yeah, I was gonna ask. Have you been taking your medication, Raven?

"Hey," Beastboy said gently, grabbing Raven's chin and lifting her face to where she was looking him in the eyes.

"Nothing you could say could ever make me not love you more,

Raven: I'm a Patriots fan.

Beast Boy: Get thee away, harlot!

and you have no idea how happy I am to hear that you think about me, Raven, I don't go through a single day without you on my mind," Beastboy said gently looking at her lips and then her beautiful violet eyes,

Beast Boy didn't mention what he did when Raven was on his mind.

Which makes him much, much smarter than Normal Teenage Life's Garfield.

"I love you, Raven, I could never love anyone more than I love you."

Raven: Not even Warren Beatty?

Beast Boy: ...Now, that's not fair and you know it.

As he said this Raven's eyes started to tear up,

"I love you more than anything in the world," She said closing the space between them with another passionate kiss.

Is the rest of the story just going to be the two of them professing their love? Because I think that they already covered this earlier.

"Even more than waffles," Beastboy said with a smile on his face.

Raven laughed.

By this point, there wasn't much of the city left for her emotions to destroy. That laugh did raise a tsunami that washed away most of the rubble, however.

"Even more than waffles," She said laying her shoulder down on his shoulder.

"You have a beautiful laugh, beautiful eyes," Beastboy said gently stroking her hair, "everything about you is beautiful."

"Not as beautiful as your's, Gar." Raven said.

A violent argument broke out over who was more beautiful.

They started slow dancing as the song replayed, this time they were happy and kissing, smiling at each other whenever they broke apart.

Well, that was an insipid piece of crap.

******

To be fair, it has more going for it than the other story, which was probably the silliest one-shot I've read since that Haruhi fanfic with the school shooting. But not much more.

What is there to say, though? The silliness of the premise should be pretty readily evident to the reader. Aside from how woefully out of character Beast Boy and Raven are (OMFG HE SAID WAFFLES DAT MENZ HEZ IN CRAKTER), the entire set-up--Raven inadvertently confesses her love for Beast Boy through song without knowing that he's watching her--is something that I've seen far, far more times than I'd care to admit. Sometimes with the roles reversed, sometimes with different characters. It's one of those rampant cliches that I like to talk about in my reviews.

We're going to look at one more Soul of a Raven fanfic before we call it a day. Hopefully, third time'll be the charm.

******

Love you with all my heart
Chapter 1:Feelings

For the fifth time that day, Raven tried hard to control her emotions as she watched as Beastboy and Terra sat on the couch doing yet another kissing session.

Raven was completely incapable of getting up and going into another room in the Titans' palatial manor because, uh. Well, it's a lot of work to create portals...

She quickly got up from her place on the kitchen table, placing her cup of herbal tea in the sink, "I'm going to meditate," she announced in her usual monotone, as she exited through the door. As soon as Raven left, Beastboy pulled away from his make out session with Terra.

Beast Boy: You know what she means when she says "meditate," right?

Terra: No! *Giggle!*

Beast Boy: ...It's a good thing I'm not sleeping with you for your brain.

`What is wrong with me? Why am I feeling this way, like I've had my heart ripped out,' Beastboy thought.

Beast Boy was so lost in thought that he completely failed to notice Terra's reenactment of the Kali-Ma scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

"What's the matter Beastboy," Terra asked upset that he stopped kissing her.

"Nothing"

"Ok, then why don't we pick up were we started?"

Terra: I need a plural noun, a verb ending in "ing" and an adverb!

"No thanks, I'm gonna go do…something."

Did Soul of a Raven collaborate with Queen-of-Azarath on this story?!

"Ok, then I'll go with you."

"No! I mean…that's ok…I'm…just…gonna…go to…bed! Yea that's it I'm gonna go to bed…Night!"

Terra: But we've been sleeping together for the past several days--

Beast Boy: I'M GOING TO BED, BITCH!!!

"But it's the middle of th-"

"Sorry Terra, can't talk, really tired, bye."

"Beastboy!"

But he was already out the door before she had time to get a word out.

Does "Beastboy" not count as a word? Because it's written as one up there, even though it's technically two.

"What was that all about," Raven asked herself once inside her room. She sat on her bed and crossed her legs.

"Oh well, nothing a good meditation can't fix." She told herself.

She rummaged through her "meditation" drawer in search of her vibrator and that lubricant that was sponsored by Gerard Way.

She closed her eyes to start meditating, but the second she did she saw Beastboy's face.

Soon, the faces of all those she had murdered began to flash before her eyes. Panicking, Raven muttered song lyrics at them and cried until they went away.

Her eyes flew open and looked around her room but nobody was in here besides her.

'I must be hallucinating,' She thought.

Raven: Robin was right. I should never have started experimenting with LSD.

She slowly closed her eyes again, but this time a different image came it was of her hugging Beastboy after what had happened with Malchior. How warm he felt in her arms, the sad feeling she got when he pulled away, the cute face he made when he pulled away.



How she wanted to take his perfect face and just kiss him….Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Flag on the play! Personal foul, raping the canon, offense, number thirty-nine! Ten paragraph penalty! Repeat third down!

This is Beastboy we're talking about why would I want to kiss him I mean he already has a girlfriend….Terra. Just the slightest mention of her name makes me want to vomit.

Cyborg had to throw out his venerable old Super Nintendo after Raven decided to marathon Final Fantasy VI one night.

The thought of Beastboy and Terra making out on the couch slowly entered her mind. A feeling of hate, disgust, and jealousy- wait I can't be jealous of her can I?

I mean, I don't have…feelings for….Beastboy, do I?

Suddenly, she realized that it wasn't Terra she was jealous of--it was Beast Boy! Lust for Terra soon crept into her every pore.

The sound of his name in her mind sent a massive butterfly to her stomach.

Raven: Fuck! I just HAD to swallow those pupae, didn't I?!

"Oh Azar, maybe I do have feelings for Beastboy."

Beastboy lay on his bed, eyes shut, thinking about how beautiful Raven looks when she is sitting in the sunlight and the sun catches her just right to make her look even more radiant and beautiful….

Nobody in these stories knows how to masturbate.

I mean, that's good for me and all, but I'm a little tired of these sexually frustrated nincompoops laying in their beds and groaning without actually, you know, doing any of the things that are typically associated with laying in a bed and groaning.

'Oh, why does it have to be Raven why couldn't I just love Terra?' He thought of how he wanted to kiss Raven so passionately, how good it would feel to hold her in his arms, how beautiful she looked whenever a strand of her hair fell in front of her face, how it never failed to send butterflies to his stomach. 'God, I'm hungry.'

Beast Boy decided he would eat Raven.

He made his way to the kitchen and that's when he smelled her sweet lilac scent just the smell of her made his stomach do a thousand back flips.

I'm starting to worry about these characters and their various stomach symptoms. Maybe it's not love that they're experiencing. Maybe it's salmonella.

He looked around the room no one was there except the two of them. Raven looked up and saw Beastboy she gave him a small smile. Beastboy cautiously walked up to Raven a grin on his face.

The Alice in Wonderland routine has worked for Beast Boy numerous times in the past.

"Um, hey…Rae. Can I…um ask you something?"

"You just did."

Boiyoiyoiyoiyoiyoiyoing! Wah-wah-wah-wah.

"Seriously."

"I was being serious."

Raven's that one English teacher that everybody's had, who'd refuse to answer a student's question unless it was grammatically and contextually perfect.

"I need….to ask you….something."

"Ok, ask away."

"Ok, well, I have this friend….let's call him Joe"

Those fucking Digimon characters again...!

"Ok."

"Well, Joe is in love with this girl."

Beast Boy: Don't ask who; the shippers will storm the place and burn us on a pyre.

"Jane, I presume?"

"Yes, Jane," He said happy that she was playing along,

Heh. You know, this story's still stupid, but at least it has more personality than Soul of a Raven's previous efforts.

Interestingly enough, I've been mocking these in reverse chronological order, and they've been getting better as time goes on. Meaning, at some point, Soul of a Raven was a somewhat competent writer who somehow stopped writing competently. Wonder what, if anything, triggered it? Maybe it was the music.

"But Joe is going out with another girl and I-I mean he doesn't feel the same way about her as he does Jane he keeps thinking about Jane constantly and doesn't want to tell her he's in love with her for fear of being rejected…

You know, change a couple names around, and this becomes a Metal Gear Solid Big Boss/Para-Medic story with EVA as the third wheel.

.so….what should I-I mean he do?"

"Well, I think that Joe should break up with this other girl, seeing as he has no feelings for her, and go and confront Jane about his feelings toward her. Maybe she could feel the same way about Joe as he does for her."

I can't accept that Raven is so stupid as to not see the subtext here. If she acts surprised at the end of the story, I--wait, I already threatened to throw my computer out the window. Well, this time I really mean it!

"Thanks Rae, you just helped me-I mean my friend a lot."

Beast Boy's split personalities routinely solicit advice from the rest of the team.

"If you need me I'll be meditating on the roof."

"Ok"

And with that said he headed out the doors looking for Terra. He found her in her room.

What are the odds!

"Hey Terra,"

"Hey BB, What's up?"

"We need to talk."

"Ok, about what?"

"About us."

Chapter 2: The Breakup

It's really not that hard to create a multi-chapter story. You don't have to cram all the content into one document, pal.

"About us."

Wait a minute, you're just picking up where you left off a second ago? That doesn't necessitate a chapter break, you know!

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"No, no, no….well, yea kinda."

He still wants sex, but no emotional attachment.

He got up to walk out and find Raven, but Terra got to him before he reached the stairs that lead to the roof.

"No Beastboy, please, I can change," She started crying,

You idiot, that's PRECISELY what he's afraid of...!

"Just give me another chance, please I can change."

"Terra, I was hopping I wouldn't have to say this but I don't love you."

Whenever Beast Boy has something on his mind, he tries to mask it by morphing into a rabbit and hopping all over the place.

Terra stared up at Beastboy shocked and started crying harder, she got up and left The Tower.

Well, that was simple. I'm sure there will be no negative repercussions to driving away the sixth member of Beast Boy's superhero squadron at all.

Beastboy started walking up the stairs to the roof, when he got there Raven was there watching as Terra flew out on a rock curious as to where she was going.

Beastboy sighed as he looked at how beautiful Raven was against the sunset,

So...no remorse whatsoever about hanging your girlfriend out to dry, huh? Just gonna jump back into the game, seconds after your girlfriend runs screaming out of your house from your revelation?

Man, Beast Boy is a prick in this story.

Raven turned around and saw Beastboy standing there watching her.

"Where is Terra going?"

"I don't know all I know is she's not coming back."

How do you know that? Did you read the script?

Hey. Hey, what's that? What's that over there?



Is that the script?

"Oh?"

Beastboy started moving closer to Raven.

"You know something you're really beautiful with your hood down."

Raven: The hood? You know where it is?!

Beast Boy: What? No, I mean your hood. The thing that you wear?

Raven: Oh. Damn. Someday, DMX...!

A blush crept on Raven's face, no one had ever called her that before, not even the boys she had dated in the past.

They used less flattering words to refer to her.

Beastboy was standing in front of her right now, he put a hand on her cheek.

"I broke up with Terra."

"Why?"

OUT THE WINDOW! OUT THE WINDOW WITH THIS PIECE OF SHIT! YOU TRIED ME ONE TOO MANY TIMES, SOUL OF A RAVEN!

"Cuz, as it turns out, my heart belonged to someone else."

"Beastboy, I-"

Raven sighed irritably, knowing that another six mile long ode to Warren Beatty was about to commence.

She didn't get to finish her sentence because Beastboy closed the small distance between them and kissed her so passionately they only broke the kiss to come up for air.

If you read carefully enough, you can actually see the names of all the women that Soul of a Raven has never kissed within the margins.

"I love you," Beastboy said, "with all my heart and soul."

Raven kissed him with such force it knocked him to the ground.

I don't think that kissing is supposed to be quite so lethal, Raven, dear.

"I love you so much more."

Raven: ...You're probably a little too concussed from that kiss to respond just now. That's alright. I'll wait 'til you've recovered.

They continued kissing until the sun set, then they went to Raven's room and slept in each others arms never letting go.



******

I said before that this last story had more to it than the last two, but that's only when graded on a very, very lenient scale. It was still stale with a cliched plot and really, really terrible characterization. I'm grateful that Raven isn't written as an emotionally broken 'Nam vet this time around, but Soul of a Raven balanced that out by turning Beast Boy into an emotionally insensitive toerag who doesn't seem at all concerned that he broke his girlfriend's heart, treating her less like a human being who needs to be let down gently, and more like a boulder between he and Raven, to be punched into a lava flow with extreme prejudice (see, Dr. O? You're not the only one who plays Resident Evil).

What you have just read were three of the absolute best examples of shitty romance that have ever been birthed upon the internet. I feel empty and dead inside after reading them. However, if nothing else, I have at least fulfilled my longtime goal of mocking some legitimately bad BB/Rae fanfiction. And no, Normal Teenage Life does not count, because neither Beast Boy nor Raven are in that story.

Thank you for coming, and we'll see you next week with with chapter twenty-five of NTL.

[oneluckyduck]

I believe that applause is in order?
(And you should possibly update your signature?)

[Al_Cone]

I believe that applause is in order?
(And you should possibly update your signature?)

I did already.

[oneluckyduck]

Ah, I see it! It's good to have such easy links to threads that exude failure and awesome, original awesome.


I...I haven't complimented anyone in a while, and...

[Zana]

Oh hey, Raven just turned into Bella Swan. >>;

Man I hate song fics. Granted, I hate most fics in general, but song fics especially. Hilarious mock, though~

[Lizard-Man]

I've had a bad day, it's nice I'm still able to laugh a bit with stuff like this. Thanks for that Al.

[Matto]

Using Peachifruit MGS comic pics was amazing. I am not worthy of mocking.