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> The Second Annual Project AFTER Group Mockery, Garden of EVA Book 1: Sucks
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That's right, Susan!
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post Jul 5 2011, 09:27 PM
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Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thank you for joining me this evening. Welcome, one and all, to the Second Annual Project AFTER Group Mockery. Here, gathered, are the finest of the fine, the sexiest of the sexy, the best of the best of the best of the best that the forum has to offer, lending their not-inconsiderable talents to the brutal savaging of an oldie-but-baddie fanfic that really, really fuckin' asks for it. But before I get to the heart of the matter, I'd like to take you on a romantic boat ride down the river of forum memory, into the not-so-recent past of Project AFTER, the better for you all to understand just what it is that's going on here.

Once, there was a man with a vision. That vision: To create fictional avatars of people who made him feel sad on the internet, write them into a Teen Titans fanfic, and then unleash it upon his enemies, humiliating the targets of his hate and scoring for himself a titanic e-victory. That story was "Project After," and that man was none other than the Dakari King himself, Joey Buttafuoco.

So amused were the people featured in his story, however, that they immediately lured it into their house with tantalizing promises of delicious caramel and taffy. The story, being ill-conceived, hastily written and generally of poor construction, was promptly portioned out to various forum members, who took turns mocking it, chapter by chapter, publicly turning the laughingstock into a laughingstock Mark 2.

The events that I have just described to you are those of the First Annual Project AFTER Group Mockery, which I have just now retroactively declared the first in an annual series. A resounding success, the experiment paved the way for the Love Sick Fan Fiction Mockery Contest, where the intrepid Dr. O won third place with his mock of the infamous Evangelion multi-part alternate universe epic "Garden of EVA Book 0: Bites." And while the good doctor did not win first place, he did spark within me a burst of inspiration that has led to the roaring brushfire that you now see before you.

Though I highly suggest that you read Book 0 before partaking in this story, I'll go ahead and spoil the fuck out of it for you so that you don't have to, because Dr. O killed my father and I'll do anything to get back at him. Garden of EVA is a series set during Third Impact. In it, a naked Shinji Ikari attempts to create his perfect world. A world in which his father is a vending machine repairman, a world in which he has a personality beyond "whiny emo tit," a world in which he has the hots for the "Tokyo town bicycle," to quote Dr. O, no less than Rei Ayanami herself, who has performed every sex act known to man and aborted at least one fetus. Naturally, Shinji reacts to all of these revelations by having sex with her.

After committing this mortal sin, it is revealed that she is the bastard child of Ritsuko Akagi--herself a closet lesbian whose hobbies are having sex with Maya Ibuki in a love hotel and walking around with a vibrator shoved in her ass--and of Gendo Ikari. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, in Shinji Ikari's perfect world, he porks his sister. Bad enough that he put his penis into what must have felt like a loose, mushy volcano ridden with several dozen strains of syphilis, but said volcanic vagina just had to belong to his half-sister.

Sigmund Freud is out in full force in Garden of EVA Book 1, as Shinji must salvage his perfect world, while a naked Asuka, a naked Rei and a naked Misato all make lewd remarks about his penis and take bets on who will be the first to have sex with him (aroused yet?), and who better than the man who started it all, Dr. O himself, to see us off on the start of our journey through the Garden of Madness?

So sit back, pull up a chair, drop the smutty Eva doujin that you're reading, and prepare to be enthralled by the first chapter of Garden of EVA Book 1: Sucks. By the power vested in me by Alex Barry, I hereby declare the Second Annual Project AFTER Group Mockery open!

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Table of Contents

Chapter One: Families Suck! - Reviewed by Dr. O
Chapter Two: Dating Sucks! - Reviewed by The Two-One-Five
Chapter Three: Championships Suck! - Reviewed by TigerEyes
Chapter Four: Sucks Everybody! - Reviewed by T_K_17

Chapter Five: Handcuffs Suck (and Chafe Too)! - Reviewed by Max-Vader
Chapter Six: Love Sucks! - Reviewed by Yaoi Huntress Earth
Chapter Seven: Jail Sucks! - Reviewed by Dr. O
Chapter Eight: Fatherhood Sucks! - Reviewed by Master of AFTER

This post has been edited by Master of AFTER: Mar 10 2013, 10:06 PM

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

A list of mocks can now be found on my profile page!
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Post #2

That's right, Susan!
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post Jul 5 2011, 09:28 PM
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Lemme tell you folks a story. Once upon a time, there was this thing called the Love Sick Contest. I enjoyed lurking on Project AFTER, so I joined and entered the contest. I picked an old Evangelion badfic out of an archive packed to the gills with them, figuring it would be a fun way to get started on PA and maybe snag a contest prize. Mocks are funny, so contributing one would be fun, right?

It was an awful, awful experience. I had expected the fanfic to be bad, but the monotony came as a complete surprise. Nearly every reference to male genitalia (of which there were many) involved the words "mighty oak," and the author apparently had a fascination with female pubic hair, but I digress. It didn't help that I vastly underestimated the length of the story. By the time I was done with the 10,000-word finale of Garden of Eva Book 0: Bites, I was through. I made a point of washing my hands of the fanfic and left it at that, planning to never revisit it. That would have been the end...

If not for Al_Cone contacting me about a group mock he had planned. He said that he was gathering a group of hand-picked mockers to continue with Garden of EVA Book 1, and that I was invited (yeah, go figure). For reasons I still do not understand, I said that I wanted in.

So I would just like to take this opportunity to say...

I am a liar and a fucking moron.

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 1:1 - Families Suck!
Garden of EVA 1:1 - Families Suck!
Book 1: Sucks

Hey, I remember how this goes! First we'll get a notice saying that Evangelion belongs to Gainax and ADV (this was back when ADV still existed, you see).

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Now we'll get the credits for the fanfic.

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim Lazar

And then something like "a series set within blah blah blah bites sucks."

A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that really sucks.

And now for the brackets and Japanese bullshit.

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:

Yeah, I know the routine.

This story begins the second book of Garden of Eva with the appropriate
theme of 'sucks' for the titles. Because, man, are their lives really
going to start sucking big time.

My life started sucking a couple minutes ago. I wish I knew why.

This series contains 400% of the recommended daily dose of: Sex,
spoilers, various sexual organs, bad language, 14-year-old hormones,
naked people, and really horrific plot twists.

If there is one thing about which I can be grateful, it is that no part of that disclaimer contained a mention of the band Genesis, Eyrie Unlimited, or Tomb Raider.

Two hours before Second Impact.

Two men worked on a gantry surrounding... something. They snapped to attention as their boss, a middle-aged man, walked by. "You two, insert the lance into IT right there." The boss pointed at the chest of the... something, which had a circle labeled 'Insert Lance Here' written on its surface in crayon. Other notations on the glowing skin included: 'Stand back 3 meters', 'Elvis was here', 'Post no bills', 'Gendou was here', 'Gendou is a jerk', 'One more day of this frozen hellhole and I can finally see the new Star Wars movie', and 'What the fuck is this thing, anyway?'

Come on, is that any way to talk about the Jimmy Carter Monument?

Before the man got out of earshot, he turned and snapped off one more instruction. "No deeper than three-point-one-four decimeters."

"Yes, Doctor Katsuragi!"

After their boss left, the two men began to move the large lance into position using an overhead crane. One of the men looked around to make sure their boss was out of earshot and then leaned over to his comrade. "Where is Ikari, anyway? This is the final phase of the project."

Maybe Gendo knows how to delegate.

And maybe you're all going to die horrible deaths.

"He flew back to Tokyo, something about dealing with some political problems."

"That's a laugh... he probably wanted to fuck that fine wife of his."

"Yeah, probably. Why else would he miss out on the final tests?"

For some reason, the two men suddenly thought they could hear ominous music coming from somewhere and looked around for the source. Unable to find it, they shrugged and went on with their work.

it's funny because characters usually can't hear the background music, so the author is implicitly breaking the fourth wall

"Lance of Longinus inserted."

"Depth three-point-one-three-nine decimeters."

"Skin has become permeable."

"The Oil of Olay is working precisely as planned."

"Commence sample collection."

"Roger." The man guided a complicated looking apparatus against and then into the skin, which had been impenetrable before the lance was inserted. A large collection of equipment became scrap metal when IT was first found and they had first tried to sample it's composition.

"Careful not to twist the lance while it's in contact with IT."

Does IT stand for anything, or are you just capitalizing "it" for no real reason?

"Do I look like a moron to you?" He casually moved a couple steps away from the lance.

"Yes, actually you do."

Shut the fuck up!"

"You shut up!"

Behold, the wittiest retorts this side of a kindergarten playground.

Editor's note: Correcting the Doc's typos and missed punctuation is no sweat--Jesus, you should see what he sent me; his draft reads like a dyslexic ten-year-old's dream journal--but any errors present in the fanfic itself will be preserved for posterity. If the asshole who wrote this thing didn't care enough to proofread, then neither do I.

"Both of you shut up."

The two men snapped to attention as their boss passed by again. "Yes, Doctor!"

I really care about Unnamed Goons #1 and #2 and Dr. Died-in-a-Flashback.

They waited until their boss walked out of earshot, before continuing their conversation. "Why did Ikari leave Katsuragi in charge today anyway? They were always fighting about who was in charge of the project."

"I don't know. It seems odd that Ikari would let that guy get all the glory of the final stage in the project."

If you replace "glory" with "exploding Antarctica," then it makes perfect sense.

The two men paused again as they heard the ominous music for a second time. This time, they looked down to one of the lower gantries trying to find the source.

"Hey, Johnson! Turn off your damn Walkman!"

the genius of this part is that it subtly lampshades their impending deaths while providing an in-story justification for the author winking and saying "lol this is funny amirite"

"Well, let's just finish getting that sample."

"Got it. Open the sample canisters."

The other man held out two cylindrical sample canisters. "What are they going to do with the samples anyway?" he asked, as he watched the other man slide the glowing sample material into the canisters.

Dude, it's glowing Angel flesh. There are so many things you could do with it. Like make some kickass glow sticks or sell it on eBay.

"Hell if I know, I'm just following orders. I don't even know what they are going to do with IT."

Are they saying "it," or are they actually sounding out each letter? If the latter, I wonder how their IT department feels about that.

Both figures looked up at the tall white figure that towered above them. It gave off a faint glow and seemed to pulse slowly, almost like a heartbeat.

Doctor Katsuragi leaned over a railing high above the two workers. "Hey you two! Quit slacking off! Get half of that sample to the helipad and the other half to the operating room, stat! They have to finish their testing on the fresh sample before we finish the insertion! And Ikari... err... the test plan is clear that the final insertion must happen exactly at oh-nine-forty hours sharp."

Gendo wants the experiment to be finished before his soaps come on.

"Yes, Doctor!"

The two figures snapped to attention and scurried off with the samples.

Doctor Katsuragi looked around and then gestured to his assistant, a young shapely blond. "Have you seen my daughter? I wanted to get her on the last flight out before the final tests."

The woman hesitated for a few seconds. "Um... no, Doctor. I'll call the living quarters and see if anyone has seen her." She turned away to hide the guilty look that crossed her face.

Doctor Katsuragi nodded and then returned to checking the checklist. He smiled as he saw that he was keeping everything on schedule down to the last second. <See if that fool Ikari could do better than this! I'll show him who's in charge around here!>

Now all we need is to be told his retirement is in two days.

-E- -V- -A-

Twenty minutes before Second Impact.

In a dark operating room, a young girl of about fourteen years old lay naked on the operating table. A doctor and a pair of nurses operated on her. Or butchered her depending on your viewpoint.

Misatoburgers for everyone!

"It's finished," the doctor said, pulling a long instrument out of the young girl's vagina. "The sample material is now part of her womb." He frowned when some of the material seemed to be slowly slipping out between the girl's folds. He used his glove-covered fingers to push the material back in. "Suture."


One of the nurses handed him a suture needle and the doctor put a couple of stitches across the girl's folds to keep the material in place inside the girl's womb. <It almost seems like the material is trying to escape, but that can't be...>


The doctor finished his sutures and put down the needle. "There, that'll hold it. It should inseminate her eggs and produce the First Children."


"Inseminate... right. We're not dealing with some drunk selling his sperm to a sperm bank to buy booze here," a male voice said from the shadows.

"You have a better term to describe the procedure?"

The man in the shadows took a long drag on his cigarette before answering. "Looks like she's being fucked by that thing Ikari has in the basement."

Words fail me.

The doctor signed. "You don't like Ikari, do you?"

"No, not particularly. I think we're all being fucked by him."

I guess his wife and both Akagis weren't enough for him.

Maybe they should consider adding saltpeter to his diet.

The doctor looked over at them man. "He *IS* trying to save mankind."

"Well, forgive me for being skeptical that he's going to save the world with the help of a fourteen-year-old virgin's uterus," the man in the shadows said, exhaling a puff of smoke from his cigarette. "Virgin birth indeed."

What is this. Why would- what- why fucking- what's the point? Where is he going with this?

"He, and the people he works for, are convinced that it had to be a virgin in order for the material we took from-" The doctor's voice suddenly softened, as if afraid to say the rest loudly. "-IT to work properly."

Oh yes, the old "we need a virgin or the magic won't work" standby.

"Kind of convenient that your daughter, Ritsuko, wasn't a virgin then, isn't it?"

The doctor flinched at the accusation. "I am as dedicated to this project as you are. It's not my fault my daughter happened to get screwed by her boyfriend!" He didn't bother mentioning that he had encouraged her boyfriend to fuck his daughter to save her from being used as the host in this experiment. He didn't know what Ikari had in mind for the so-called 'First Children', but he wasn't about to sacrifice his only daughter's ability to have children to satisfy his commitment to the project. Since he had never had the time to spend time with his precious Ritsuko while she was growing up, he longed for the day when he could hold his grandchildren in his arms and play with them. <Well, once these tests are done, I can retire and go home.>

I'm sure that Mr. Akagi has a long and fulfilling life ahead of him. Remember how important he was in Evangelion?

"Well, at least there won't be any problems getting the material through customs this way, but I still think Ikari has something up his sleeve." He took one last look between the girl's spread legs, grinned, and then departed with a canister containing the remainder of the sample meant for the girl's uterus. <They'll never miss it. If Ikari does try to double cross us, this will come in very handy.> He chuckled softly to himself as a plan formed in his twisted little mind. <Very handy, indeed.>

Yeah. It's so useful to inject random teenage girls with pieces you scraped off Godzilla's glow-in-the-dark cousin.

"Won't it kill her?" a young nurse in scrubs asked sadly. She brushed the hair out of the teenager's eyes.

The doctor looked over from where he was washing his hands. "Not if they get to her in time..." He stiffened, as if he'd just let something slip. "Never mind that now... Just get her dressed and then tell her father that he has to get his daughter on the next flight out of here BEFORE they begin the final tests on IT. And remember not to mention the operation to him."

Their plan hinges on evacuating Misato with what I can only assume to be a Rei fetus inside her just before the southern hemisphere is destroyed.

We are reaching Nazi science levels of absurdity here.

"Yes, Doctor," the other nurse answered. She pushed the younger nurse away and started to dress the girl. As she put the girl's bra onto the girl, the nurse had to move a small cross pendant out of the way.

-E- -V- -A-

Fifteen minutes before Second Impact.

Do you know where your child is?

Workers scurried around the huge figure in the underground chamber. A young man slid up beside a young female worker in a lab coat. "Hi ya, Baby. What are you doing after we're done with this thing?"

The woman didn't pause or look away from her work. "Oh, freezing my ass off running around naked with you in the snow up top."

The man grinned broadly. "Cool, let's get going, babe!"

It would be nice to see a guy who isn't concerned about shrinkage. But the standard Garden of Eva nymphomania kind of overshadows everything else.

"You idiot, I was kidding! I'll have tons of data to examine after we're done here."

"Plenty of time for that..." He paused and looked down. "Turn that music off already, Johnson!" The ominous music stopped. "Now then... let's find a quiet corner and melt some ice with our hot bodies." The man gave the woman his most charming smile then leaned backward onto the apparatus that held the Lance and struck a pose he always assumed drove women wild.

Kaji? Is that you?

It didn't.

What it did do was push the Lance of Longinus into IT another two centimeters and twisted it ninety-eight point six degrees counter-clockwise. Unfortunately, the harness the Lance was in made this extremely easy to do. But what do you expect from the lowest bidder?

Twisting the Lance while it was inserted into IT was not a good thing.

Fondle, don't twist.

For instance, this meant that everyone in the base, except one fourteen-year-old girl, would die three minutes early.

It also meant the plans of a Mr. Gendou Ikari would be delayed for at least fifteen more years.

But the worse thing was that it meant that the young man would die a virgin. Not that those three minutes would have changed that.

I don't think Gainax ever explained what Second Impact was. That might be a good thing, since they almost definitely couldn't have come up with anything that makes sense. But on the other hand, it would have left less room for brain-meltingly dumb fan speculation like what's coming up.

-E- -V- -A-

Ten minutes before Second Impact. Make that seven minutes.

The Antarctic facility shook as an explosion vaporized one of the lower levels. Doctor Katsuragi raced though the shaking corridors with his daughter cradled protectively in his arms. A large red stain was spreading across her chest.

That must be where they made the incision to remove her uterus. It would certainly fit with their competence so far.

He saw the door to the elevator to the helipad just before it was engulfed in flames. "Shit... what the hell did those morons do to IT this time?" He looked at his watch. "Damn, they weren't even supposed to start for three more minutes. They are definitely fired this time." He looked around frantically, then ran towards the stairs, the corridor started crumbling around him. He cringed as the cold Antarctic air assaulted him. <The outer wall must have been breached.>

The <brackets> let you know he's thinking, but in what language? Japanese? English? Tagalog?

A mystery for the ages.

A short time later, he stumbled out of the remains of a corridor onto the ruins of the helipad. He frantically looked to where the helicopter should have been. The only thing he saw was an escape pod and a trail of cigarette butts leading to where the helicopter should be. "Damn, that asshole from Seele took it."

He stumbled over and opened the hatch on the emergency escape pod. He gently put his daughter into it, then began to close the hatch.

Of course, they just happened to have an apocalypse-proof escape pod on hand.

Just before it closed, he saw his daughter's eyes open. "Father?"

Her eyes were the last thing he saw before he was vaporized along with most of the rest of Antarctica as Second Impact was initiated three minutes early.

Yeah, I got that it was early. You can stop telling me.

Somehow, the escape pod survived the blast. Considering the escape pod was made for a Doctor Gendou Ikari's use in case of emergencies, this would not surprise anyone who knew him. The champagne and silk sheets, on the other hand, would be surprising to anyone who wasn't a James Bond fan.

In other news, Gendo is a Bond villain now.

The teenage girl and the First Children within her survived Second Impact.

OK so Misato is Rei's mother.

I... I don't even know, man. My brain is tied into a Gordian knot trying to make sense of this.

That was until Third Impact occurred fifteen years later. And then the definition of 'survived' changed.

-E- -V- -A-

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: survive v. 1 continue to live or exist 2 live or exist longer than 3 remain alive despite (a danger, accident, etc...)

A danger, accident, this fanfic...

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World'
- 2nd edition (Asuka tore up the first one): survive v. 1 continue to bicker with Asuka 2 live or exist longer than the entire population of the planet Earth 3 remain alive despite (a power-crazed madman, Third Impact, Misato's cooking, Asuka pulling on my penis)

Shinji, you need to assert yourself. Stop writing some fucking lame passive-aggressive dictionary, take back the testicle lockbox, and finish choking Asuka to death like you almost did before you broke down crying like a loser. Maybe your life will stop sucking if you do something about it, you know?

And no, whining does not count as "something."

-E- -V- -A-

Rei finished explaining Second Impact and her origins during it to the gang in the theater. Shinji and Asuka were dumbfounded by the revelations.

As am I.

Misato was tracing the scars between her breasts from the injury she sustained in her escape and then moved down to the smaller scars on her lower abdomen from when they removed her uterus. "So that's why they gave me a hysterectomy after I was rescued?"

No, that's just standard procedure for people who survive a world-shattering explosion through sheer dumb luck.

"Yes," Rei replied quietly.

"Those bastards! To use me like that and then rip out my womb!" Misato screamed. She could barely remember events in the months that followed her waking up in the escape pod. She was in no condition to ask why her vagina had been sewn shut or why a few weeks after her escape they had wheeled her into the operating room to remove her supposedly diseased uterus. "How could my father let them!"

It's Eva. You're giving the characters too much credit if you assume any decency on their part.

"I believe he wasn't aware of their intentions. Originally they were going to use the daughter of the doctor who did the procedure."

"Then why didn't they?" Misato fumed.

"It turned out Ms. Akagi wasn't a virgin."

Oh, of course!

I eagerly await End of Garden of Eva, in which Third Impact is canceled on account of Shinji fucking Rei.

"Damn that Ritsuko! I bet she just let some boy fuck her to screw my life up!" Misato theorized, ignoring the fact that she hadn't met Ritsuko until college. "I guess I should have just let that little Toma brat fuck me when I was thirteen after all."

"That would have been a good idea," Rei agreed.

"Damn it... I can't believe you're my daughter," Misato said, looking at Rei with a mixture of confusion and sadness on her face.

Neither can I.


Rei seemed to consider this. "I always wondered what it would be like to have a mother that didn't have a chipped rim."

Misato, Shinji, and Asuka all gaped in surprise.

Then Asuka smirked. "Gee, the little clone has a sense of humor."

"Do I?" Rei asked, straight-faced.

Misato felt her stomach again. "So I have a daughter. Something I had never expected to have."

I guess Rei isn't some kind of weird Angel clone Yui Ikari thing after all! Which means it's perfectly acceptable for her and Shinji to have sex.

"Good luck getting child support from the First Angel!" Asuka started to laugh. Everyone ignored her. She didn't like being ignored.

"Over the past year I had come to think of Shinji and Asuka-" She looked at her two former roommates. "-as the kids I could never have. And now I find out I do have a child. Ironic that our little 'family' here would wind up together despite all that has happened."

Pretty dysfunctional family.

"Gee, Mama, can I go out and play?" Asuka quipped.

"Cut it out, Asuka," Shinji scolded. "This is tough on her."

"Oooooo, little brother Shinji is trying to be the man of the house."

"Well, I am." Shinji looked around the theater. "Do YOU see any other men here?"


"I don't see any men at all... just three gorgeous women and a little boy."

Shinji looked ready to explode then calmed himself. "Lucky me." He cast a sly grin at Asuka.

"As if... don't get your hopes up." Asuka turned away from Shinji to hide the smile that appeared on her face.

Meanwhile, a sudden thought crossed Misato's mind and she dropped to her knees. "All those clones..."

You could start a harem!

Rei nodded, then finished the thought. "...were not clones in the traditional sense, although we did turn out to be genetically identical due to the material from the First Angel. The embryos that survived were gestated in your womb after it was removed and expanded-"

Um... each egg would be genetically unique, so wouldn't only half their DNA be identical? You can't just take any two gametes and assume they're the same. Otherwise, every sibling would be completely identical.

Shinji interrupted. "Expanded?"

Rei nodded. "It was stretched and forced to grow using some of the technology used later to create the Evas. They put it on artificial life support and waited for us to be born a year later."

There are so many things that I just...


Now do you see why I wanted to avoid this? But at least after this chapter I can just pass the mock on to some other poor bastard.

"A whole year?!"

"Yes, our gestation period was longer than a normal human."

Of course, the only effect putting the swarm of Rei centurituplets in a magic technorganic womb is that they take three extra months to develop. How eminently reasonable.

Asuka smirked. "I always knew you weren't normal." She was ignored again. She REALLY didn't like being ignored.

Misato was shaking. "How many?"

"Excuse me?"

"How many survived?"

"A little over five thousand, I believe."

Why would you even need that many? She'd have to die literally every day from her birth to the beginning of the show for them to run through that many.

Asuka smirked. "Gee, think of the stretch marks if you had to give birth to them all." No reaction from anyone. Asuka was fuming inside. <Pay attention to me already!>

"Five... thousand? And Ritsuko killed them all..." Misato's eyes could be seen burning.

Double kill!

Rei shook her head. "No. Only those in Toyko-3. Others were used in the dummy plugs, which the EVA series use... used. I believe every NERV facility had a group of me."

"You really get around, don't you?" Asuka remarked, not even receiving a twitch of acknowledgement from anyone.

Shut up. Everyone just shut up.

"Why... why would they do all this?"

Rei shrugged. "In addition to my original function in Second Impact, my use as an Eva pilot and as a dummy plug became necessary when Second Impact occurred three minutes before Mr. Ikari was ready."

At this point, I think I'd rather not have an explanation.

Shinji stepped forward and spoke with a shaky voice. "Ready for what?"

"I believe he was going to have intercourse with his wife and come to orgasm just as Second Impact was triggered."

The others just looked blankly at Rei until Shinji spoke. "Why?"

"I believe he thought he could control Second Impact if he was in perfect sync with another soul. That control would have allowed him and his wife to control my development into whatever form they choose." She looked sadly at the ground as she finished.

Asuka snorted. "Damn, what a lame idea."

"It might have worked," Rei said calmly.


"The union of a man and a woman is the most powerful force in the universe." Shinji didn't notice Rei glance at him as she made her statement.

"But seriously," Rei added, "God hates fags."

But Asuka did. "I saw that! Rei has the hots for Shinji!"

Shinji stared. "What?"

Rei blushed. "You embarrass me."

Asuka pounded Shinji on the back and pushed him towards Rei. "Come on, Shin-boy... fuck her already."

Which is sadder - that she has to tell Shinji, or that it would be in-character for him not to?

Shinji looked around and glared at Asuka. "Will you stop being so pushy, Asuka?!"

"Come on, I know you want to. That's why you set up that other Rei as a slut so you could spend your life in your horny little dream world fucking the clone!"

"I didn't set it up that way, dammit! Why I ever thought I loved you, I'll never know!"

Asuka, for once, was lost for words.


Rei silently looked between Shinji and Asuka.

Misato grabbed a bag of popcorn and sat down cross-legged on the floor. "Damn, and I thought Shinji's perfect world was twisted." She gulped down a handful of popcorn.

We aren't going to go to the imaginary world, are we?

-E- -V- -A-

Ritsuko had walked slowly over to Rei and took her hand gently. This calm action started Rei, so she didn't resist. "Rei. I'm sorry about everything, but you really can't marry Shinji. Now or ever."


Rei grew angry again. "Shut up! You sound just like a scratched DVD! I'll marry him... with or without your permission!"

"You can't. He's... your half-brother," Ritsuko said.

"What?!" everyone except Ritsuko yelled out.

Gendou finally managed to get a good look at Ritsuko. "Oh... no..."

Ritsuko sighed heavily and pointed at Gendou. "Rei, this is your father, Gendou Rokubungi."

After the large thud caused by Gendou collapsing to the floor in shock, the room went silent.

Here's a handy recap for anyone who didn't read the preceding chapters.

You didn't miss a single thing.

-E- -V- -A-

A while later, Gendou was cowering in a corner as Ritsuko finished her explanation to a very upset Yui and shocked Shinji and Rei.

"After I told him-" Ritsuko glared at Gendou, who tried to press himself deeper into the corner. "-I was pregnant with Rei, he disappeared. I looked all over for him, but never found him. Clever of you to change your name."

Yui glanced over at her husband. "I was always curious why you wanted to take my family name so badly after you got me pregnant and my father forced you to marry me, Gendou."

Gendo is such a pimp. I bet he'd give the Neon Exodus version of Kaji a run for his money.

Gendou had started to scratch at the wall, in hopes of tunneling out of the room.

"You can hate me if you want Rei, but if Gendou had stuck around, my mom wouldn't have had to protect her families' so-called good name by adopting you like she did."

Rei glanced at Shinji, feeling a twinge in her heart. "I can't believe all this."

"It's the truth. I'm done lying about my... our past."

Good. Because all this backstory is some kind of bullshit, and the sooner it's over the better.

Shinji reached over and grabbed Rei's hand. "That's okay, Rei, this just makes it easier for me to protect you... as your brother."

"Your brother who also has sex with you."

A faint smile crossed Rei's lips.

"I'm proud of you, Shinji," Yui said.

"I am too!" Gendou said from his corner. When Yui glared menacingly at him, he suddenly started playing with a tire.

Yui shook her head sadly. <He's been watching too much Shin Seiki Ranma.>

Just when I think this fanfic can't fail any harder.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei walked together a few meters behind Ritsuko and talked quietly.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay alone with her tonight?" Shinji asked.

"Yes. She's calmed down since she knows that you're my half-brother. I guess in her mind she doesn't have to fight me anymore since she's won the battle to keep us apart."

"She hasn't. I'll always be there for you."

"In bed."

Rei sighed heavily. "Don't take this personally, Shinji, but finding out we're family really sucks," she said, without looking at Shinji.

"Yeah, I know. I'm going to do everything and anything I can to make you happy from now on."

"Anything?" Rei said. She looked at Shinji with a slightly lopsided grin on her face, which didn't reveal and of the pain that she felt in her heart.

"Yes... anything. Err... we can't have sex anymore... but I'll always be there when you have a problem."

If DJ Croft were here, he'd hand Shinji a condom and say "do what you want, no matter what anyone else says." And then they'd play videoga-

Oh shit I just remembered how much this fic dwells on that stupid Eva game. And I'm not about to spoil it for those of you who didn't read Book 0. It's a surprise~!

Rei smiled. "Thank you, Shinji." She leaned up and kissed Shinji gently on his cheek. She smirked as she noticed his reaction. "That's not exactly a good reaction to have towards your sister."

Shinji blushed and covered his groin with his hands. "Err... well... most brothers don't get to do the things we did."

Rei snickered. "True, only in those sleazy hentai mangas."

I'm leaving if this turns into an Eva/Boys Empire crossover.

Wait, what am I saying. I'm leaving anyway.

"Rei, I do love you."

Rei nodded. "I do too. Too bad our father is a bastard."

Technically, Rei's the bastard.

"Well, he does have his good points. It's not like he's some evil maniac bent on destroying the world or anything."

haha eva reference guys, get it

"Not unless he's planing on destroying the world with vending machines." Rei smiled and Shinji laughed at her joke. "Well, I guess I'll have to spend some time getting to know him."

"Assuming my mom doesn't kill him tonight, that is."

When they finally reached the Akagi apartment and Rei found she couldn't take the final step over the entryway.

But I thought this fic had established that she's the master at taking the final step.

Ritsuko gestured from the doorway. "Come on, Rei."

Shinji noticed Rei's expression of uncertainty and offered something he hoped would help. "Um, Ms. Akagi, can I stay tonight? I think your daughter needs the support and I don't think I'm old enough to hear what my mother is probably saying and doing to my... our father."

Just wait until they find out that Gendo is also Ritsuko's father.

Ritsuko smiled as she thought of the man she had hated for so long getting what he had coming after so long. But that didn't eliminate the image of Rei sitting on top of Shinji from the previous night. "And let you fuck your own sister again? Dream on, you little walking cock!"

That's totally unfair. Men have so many attributes that aren't penises. Like... uh...

We dominate the internet. Does that count?

"No! Listen... I love your daughter... my sister. I just want to protect her. That's all."

Ritsuko appraised Shinji for a few moments. "Hmmmm, for a boy and the son of that asshole, you're not that bad."

"Gee, thanks."

"Fine, but I'm going to make sure you can't do anything to her."

Shinji wondered why she was grinning and holding a cigar cutter. "Hey, by 'anything,' do you me- OH WHAT THE FUCK."

Shinji gulped as he thought of all kinds of horrid things that she could do. Many of them involved the removal of his penis. "Err... okay, but I'd like to have children one day."

Ritsuko looked crestfallen. "Darn. I wanted to add your penis to my collection."

"I have an empty space right next to that Croft boy's."

Shinji started backing up slowly.

"I was kidding, you little meathead."

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji lay on the bed as Ritsuko finished handcuffing him to the bedpost. "Gee... I didn't know you were into bondage."

Ritsuko glared at Shinji. "It's this or my first idea."

Shinji gulped as he felt his penis retreat into his foreskin, like a turtle into its shell when it found itself in a turtle soup factory. "Okay, but this had better not be one of those hidden camera shows."

"I fucked my sister and now I'm handcuffed to my father's lover's bed" does sound like it could be an actual Japanese reality show.

"Of course not. Now be a good boy and get to sleep."

Shinji sighed and rolled over.

"Good boy."

The lights went off and then Shinji felt the bed bounce. "What the?"

"You didn't think I'd leave you alone so Rei could sneak in here so you can fuck her again, did you?"

Perfect. OK Shinji, this is your chance for a mother-daughter threesome. Pull it off and all will be forgiven.

"She's my sister dammit! I'd never do anything with her now that I know!"

"Yeah, I bet that's what all those guys in those hentai mangas said before they did the nasty with their pure and innocent sisters."

Today we learn that Ritsuko's knowledge of male behavior is exclusively drawn from Mega Milk.

And man, "pure and innocent." Maybe Ritsuko missed the part where Rei was Tokyo's town bicycle. Blaming men as a whole sems like blaming people at Sam's Club for taking the free samples.

"Well, I'm not sure I feel comfortable sleeping with you."

"Just remember that I'm not your sister, so there is no reason for you to even consider fucking me."

"I don't want to fuck Rei because she's my sister, dammit!"

"So you still want to sleep with her?!"

"Yes... no... I don't know! This day has been very confusing."

Sorry, Shinji. The correct answer was "yes, and would you like to join in?"

"Tell me about it. Just you remember that she's your sister... give me any reason to doubt you're anything other than her brother and... SNIP."

Shinji gulped. "Yes, ma'am!"

"Now get to sleep. Behave yourself and maybe I'll let you keep seeing Rei... as a BROTHER."

Half brother. That's sort of like a cousin, right?

Come on Shinji, carpe diem.

"Alright... all I want is what's best for her." Shinji started to fall asleep when he felt Ritsuko's hot breath on his back. "You know, this is the first time I've ever slept with an old woman."

Things suddenly became very painful for Shinji as Ritsuko tried to do her best to perform her original idea using her bare hands.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei lay in her bed and cried herself slowly to sleep. "Shinji..."

-E- -V- -A-

Gendou slept on the couch. Or tried to.

I can't believe the Universal Declaration of Human Rights doesn't cover being exiled to the couch. Stupid UN.

-E- -V- -A-

When Shinji awoke, he found that he was no longer handcuffed, much to his relief. He rubbed the marks on his wrists to make sure there was no permanent damage. Just to make sure he looked under his shorts to make sure everything was okay down there as well. He slipped out of the bed and looked around. He wandered out of the bedroom and looked for someone or the bathroom, whichever came first. He ended up finding the kitchen first. "Morning, Ms. Akagi," he said to the old woman who was preparing something at the countertop.

The woman who turned around was not Ritsuko, much to Shinji's surprise. "Oh, you must be that boy who slept with my granddaughter."

She already knows who you are, Shinji. This is a great opening. Now pull yourself together and live up to the example set by Gendo!

Shinji gulped. "Err... well..."

"Don't sweat it kid... the first dick I touched was my brother's. Although *HE* never went all the way with me." Mrs. Akagi flashed a toothy grin.

See? She's into kinky stuff. Don't pass up this opportunity, Shinji. It's time to become a man.

Editor's note: Every line in this story makes me feel filthy. I think I need to spend the next seven hours in the shower scrubbing at invisible stains until I'm bleeding.

Shinji was very stunned at the woman's manner. He had pictured Rei's grandmother as an old biddy, much like Ritsuko, but this woman actually seemed like the complete opposite of Ritsuko. "Err... yeah... um... where's Rei and the ol... her mother?"

"They'll be back soon. They just popped out to get some more food for breakfast. We weren't expecting a new family member."

"Well, I'm Rei's half-brother... I'm not really related to you or your daughter." Shinji really wanted to leave, but if Rei was coming back, he wanted to be here for her.

Mrs. Akagi's expression grew stern. "You're FAMILY... don't forget it when you spend time with your HALF-SITSTER! Got it?!"

C'mon, Shinji. Just rationalize it as a Mafia-esque figurative "family." You have to take what you're given and, well, let's face it - this is the best you can hope for.

This was more like what he expected and Shinji snapped to attention. "Yes, Ma'am!"

Mrs. Akagi's expression softened again and the goofy smile returned. "Good. I'll forgive you fucking her once because you didn't know--and she is such a hot young babe after all--but do her again and..." She chose that moment to chop a carrot in half. The worst part of this statement, as far as Shinji was concerned, was that she never stopped smiling that goofy grin of hers.

The crazy ones are always the best in bed. You can do it, Shinji! Carpe bitches!

Shinji watched the carrot fall to the ground. Suddenly, he wasn't very hungry. "Maybe I should leave."

"Nonsense. Go wash up and we'll be ready in a short time. Bathroom is third door on the left."

"Well... ok." Shinji made his retreat down the hallway, but not before hearing her last comment.

"And you'd better take a bath, I can still smell my granddaughter on you."

-S- -E- -V- -A-

Shinji soaked in the bathtub, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling. This was actually the first time he really had to think about recent events. "Great, I finally lose my virginity... only to find out she's my sister. The guys will have a field day with this if they find out. Of course, all of them are virgins, so I at least beat them to it. Too bad I can't talk about it. Maybe it's for the best that we never told anyone we were dating."

Shinji... sad.gif

You need to get back in the game.

He continued to watch the steam rise from the water's surface. "What a pathetic jerk I am."

"Maybe, but are you happy?"

Shinji started and looked over at the source of the voice. "What the..." he gasped as he saw a ghostly image of himself standing naked in front of the tub.

The ghostly Shinji repeated his question. "Are you happy?"

It's Evangelion. Nobody's happy.

Deciding he was dreaming, Shinji answered, "I don't know. Finding out Rei was my half-sister was pretty shocking."

"Yes, I know. But are you happy?"

"Who are you anyway?"

"I'm..." The ghostly Shinji glanced off to the side, as if listening to someone. "The Shinji in your mind."

Oh not this shit.

"What the hell does that mean?"

The ghostly Shinji glared to the side, as if scolding a red-haired girl for a lame suggestion. Then he turned back to the Shinji in the bath. "Just answer the question."

Shinji thought for a few moments. "Yes, I guess so. Even as messed up as things are right now... I do have good friends and a loving family... even if what my father did really sucks."


The ghostly Shinji paused and absorbed the information. "What do you think of Rei?"

"I love her. And I'm going to make sure she's happy from now on."

"Despite the fact that you can't be lovers?"

"Yes. I didn't fall in love with her for her body."

Obviously he loves Rei for her personality.

"Good luck, I can't promise happiness for you, but it could be worse."

Shinji splashed some water in his face, still wondering if he was dreaming. "Who are you really?"

"Just think of me as... a friend who wants everyone around you to be happy." The ghostly Shinji glared at the unseen person. "No! I'm not going to ask him that, Asuka!" He started to fade away, but not before his penis started to spin like a fan.

Shinji blinked a few times and then splashed some more water over his face. "Weird..."

-E- -V- -A-

"Come on! Ask him if he's going fuck me now that he can't do Rei anymore!" Asuka insisted. In this case, her 'insisting' included spinning his penis.

What? How would you... but...

If Shinji doesn't assert himself soon, she's going to end up snapping that in half.

Shinji slapped her hand away from his penis. "I said no! The connection is broken already anyway." Shinji looked down at the storyboards in front of him. "Well, as we agreed, it was his decision. I'm sorry, Rei."

Rei sighed. "That's okay. Maybe she'll be happier with you as a brother." She turned away to hide the tear that rolled down her cheek.

Misato walked up behind her daughter and put a comforting hand on Rei's shoulder. "It'll be okay, Rei. Even if that world isn't perfect, that Rei will have a loving brother to support her."

"I suppose. I wonder if most mothers would let a world like that exist where their daughter was so unhappy."

Misato flinched. "I do want you to be happy, Rei. I'm kind of new to this mother thing... Let's take it slow."

This plot point is so stupid.


This whole fanfic is so stupid.

Asuka chose that moment to interject. "Okay, first thing a mother and daughter should do is..." She pushed Rei's face down against Misato's breast. "Breast-feed! Come on, suck away!"

"Asuka, stop..." Misato stopped speaking suddenly as she realized that Rei was actually sucking on her nipple. She gently pried the sucking child off her breast. "Um, Rei... you really don't have to do that. Asuka was making one of her jokes."

So if Rei was created by pumping Misato full of Angel sperm...

How are they going to explain Kaworu?

"Oh." Rei wiped the saliva off her lips. "I didn't find it particularly funny." Then she casually wiped Misato's nipple off.

Misato pushed Rei's hand away. "That's okay... I can take care of that." She turned away to hide her suddenly erect nipples.

O...K... then.

Shinji had to turn away from the girls to hide his 'reaction' to all this.

I don't think hiding is sufficient. What he needs to do is find some kind of iron-clad cup so that Asuka doesn't permanently rearrange his penile geography.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji got up out of the tub and began to dry off. He flinched when he heard the door open. He blushed when he saw Rei standing in the doorway. "Err... good morning, Rei."

"Morning, Shinji. Breakfast is ready," Rei said calmly. She glanced briefly at Shinji's groin and smiled. "You'd better not come dressed like that." She spun around and departed. The smile would be with her throughout breakfast, much to the confusion of her mother and grandmother.

Shinji sighed then looked down at his erection. "That's not the proper reaction to have to your sister."

I'm sure that Japan has some equivalent to Alabama. Just move there. Problem solved.

-E- -V- -A-

"Mein Gott! Now the little prick is talking to his prick!" Asuka exclaimed.

That's because it's the only companionship he'll ever get.

"Shut up, Asuka!" Shinji said. He turned to Rei. "Are you alright?"

"Leave the clone with her mother, Shinji. Let's go fuck. I know you want to... 'cus you love me. Shinji loves me. Ha ha!" Asuka started to do a happy little dance.

I say, we can dance, we can dance
Everything out of control
We can dance, we can dance
We're doing it from wall to wall
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody look at your hands
We can dance, we can dance
Everybody takin' the cha-a-a-ance

Safety dance

"Just leave me alone with Rei, can't you?!" Shinji waved his hand in a dismissing motion. Suddenly, Asuka and Misato disappeared. He gaped at the spot they had been standing in just seconds previously. "What?"

I can understand his confusion. I didn't think the author was capable of improvement, and yet he got rid of Asuka.

"What did you do?"

"I don't know... Just this." He repeated the gesture, causing Asuka and Misato to reappear.

"You jackass! What the hell..."

Asuka was cut off when Shinji gestured again, causing Asuka and Misato to disappear. "Cool! I didn't know I could do that!"

OK, now figure out how to replace Asuka with Sir Crocodile and we might salvage something from this.

"You have more power than you realize," Rei muttered, tears forming in her eyes.

-E- -V- -A-

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition:
family n. 1 set of relations, esp. parents and children 2 descendants of a common ancestor 3 close-knit organization

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World'
- 2nd edition (Asuka tore up the first one):
family n. 1 set of morons, esp. fathers who cheat on their girlfriends with fourteen year old girls 2 descendants of a common philanderer 3 close-knit... never mind

These better not be a recurring thing.

Wait, I don't care because I'm not doing the next chapter.

[End - Garden of EVA 1:1 - Families Suck!]
Author's notes/ramblings:

And thus begins Book One of Garden of EVA. Doesn't really suck yet, but it'll get there.

The alternate tittle for this part was "Garden of EVA 1:1 - Rei Sucks Misato's Tit", but that would have given away a joke. smile.gif

For a very loose definition of "joke."

I'd like to thank my pre-readers EBJ, Rex Yu, Johan Holmberg, David Johnson, Arnold Callwood, Justin Baugh, Axel Terizaki, Thomas C Kinnen, Taler Schilling, Thomas C. Kinnen and Rei No Tenshi for helping me find and fix problems with this story. FFML members EeL and Michael A. Chase were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.

I was going to make a crack about that last sentence, but then I noticed "Rei No Tenshi" in the pre-reader list.

What the fuck man.

Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (March 20, 1999)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (May 1, 1999)
Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (May 16, 1999)
Revision 1.0 - Final version (May 24, 1999)
Revision 1.1 - First RAAC posting (May 26, 1999)

I'm done. Now I get to sit back and watch whatever dumb jackasses pick this up. Because man, things have certainly not improved since Book 0. Granted, there was a dearth of both mighty oaks and sex scenes, but at least after a while I got desensitized to those. The "explanation" of second impact, though... agh. But hey, now it's you guys' problem.

Best of luck to you, by the way. For whatever reason, Al liked my mock of book 0, but I'm sure you guys will put me to shame.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jul 5 2011, 10:11 PM

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Jul 6 2011, 03:47 AM
No one's called a spot yet? Surprised, considering how fast the spots filled up last year. I'll take a spot, but I would request a book late in the "series" considering at the moment I have a lot of mocks going on

That is, provided you haven't already decided beforehand who would be doing the mocks

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Fighting's not really my thing...

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post Jul 6 2011, 07:32 AM
QUOTE (DraculaMarth @ Jul 6 2011, 04:47 AM)
That is, provided you haven't already decided beforehand who would be doing the mocks

He mentioned beforehand he'd be hand-picking it, so just hope for an invite. If he hasn't sent them all out already.

QUOTE (JDR on furries)
If only every fandom could be so nice

"You asked me, 'How do you fuck a mermaid?' What you should have asked me was: 'How don't you fuck a mermaid?'" - TV Tropes
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That's right, Susan!
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post Jul 6 2011, 09:03 AM
QUOTE (Newandimprovednobody @ Jul 6 2011, 08:32 AM)
He mentioned beforehand he'd be hand-picking it, so just hope for an invite. If he hasn't sent them all out already.

Sorry, but it's not an open casting call. The crew was decided long before I posted this, and everybody contacted has already committed.

Maybe we'll go back to open casting next year.

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Jul 6 2011, 11:14 AM
Very funny, good Doctor!. You have not disappointed; if anything, you exceeded expectations of entertainment, and the mock can only get better from here on out. smile.gif

"I was getting all pumped for hot pizza bondage and cocaine action"

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Greetings, Project After-san.

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post Jul 6 2011, 08:47 PM
Shit, that mock was awesome. It gave me a few laughs.


"I'm HCBailly, and my cat is sleeping on my subwoofer." -HCBailly, playing Final Fantasy 3/6

"SURPRISE FISH!" - Deceased Crab

"Whoa, dude! Want some pizza with your brain arms?" Retsupurae, on Quadraxis14's LP of Contra 3

"How rude!" HCBailly, playing Secret of Mana.

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Not quite here, not quite there.

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post Jul 8 2011, 03:31 AM
Aww, I kinda wanted to participate (though I probably couldn't seeing as I haven't watched Neon Evangelion.

I look forward to more of this group mock.


QUOTE (9/13/2013 3:49:17 PM Max-Vader:)

QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Feb 5 2014, 05:08 AM) *
I Was the Drink: The Joan Cheng Story

QUOTE (Screaming Soulcatcher)
Joan are you the straightest shota
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#oh it's JUST tk
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post Jul 8 2011, 06:11 AM
QUOTE (xoxjoanxox @ Jul 8 2011, 04:31 AM)
Aww, I kinda wanted to participate (though I probably couldn't seeing as I haven't watched Neon Evangelion.

I look forward to more of this group mock.


I haven't watched it either, but I've been mocking a fanfiction that features it (and Dragonball Z, which I also haven't watched), so maybe that's why I've been selected.

Or it's because I agreed to suck Al's dick. Either or.

1. Digiball Z - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 (f)
2. Saiyaman (f)
3. Saiyaman 2 - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 (f) <-- FINISHED
4. Teen Titans vs Project AFTER - 2 3 (f)
5. Desires Unspoken - Deluxe Special Edition (f)
6. TK versus Birdboy | Fandom | Empire - Part 1
7. Garden of EVA - Sucks Everybody! (f)
8. What is War? - 1 2
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Not quite here, not quite there.

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post Jul 8 2011, 08:32 AM
QUOTE (T_K_17 @ Jul 8 2011, 09:11 AM)
I haven't watched it either, but I've been mocking a fanfiction that features it (and Dragonball Z, which I also haven't watched), so maybe that's why I've been selected.

Or it's because I agreed to suck Al's dick. Either or.

Darn it! I guess i didn't put out enough.


QUOTE (9/13/2013 3:49:17 PM Max-Vader:)

QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Feb 5 2014, 05:08 AM) *
I Was the Drink: The Joan Cheng Story

QUOTE (Screaming Soulcatcher)
Joan are you the straightest shota
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post Jul 8 2011, 09:26 AM
The trick is to take him out to dinner first. For best results, try Taco Bueno.

Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

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post Jul 8 2011, 10:25 AM
Taco Bueno? Really? I'm surprised...

"I was getting all pumped for hot pizza bondage and cocaine action"

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post Jul 10 2011, 10:10 PM
Two men walked into a bar one day. The first sat down and ordered a scotch and soda. The other ordered Garden of EVA: Book 1, chapter two.

The second man to order was Project AFTER's resident Marine, The Two-One-Five. Before him was placed a glass containing some of the most offensively bad writing ever to be visited upon an innocent and unsuspecting world. Filled with righteous, patriotic rage, The Two-One-Five did to it what he did to all enemies of freedom and liberty: He used copious amounts of ammunition to transform it from an erotic fiction piece starring several teenagers, to a finely liquified paste. Most who glimpsed it considered it an improvement, though they had little time to reflect before The Two-One-Five's patriotic fervor drove him to slaughter the rest of the patrons, all of whom were probably furry Nazi Taliban.

At six thirty nine AM, he exited the bar. There were no survivors.

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This is some of the most boring, nonsensical shit I have ever read. With that being said, I decided to jump straight into this mock only having read half the first chapter since quite frankly I donít get paid enough to do this. I took the liberty to delete the AN at the beginning since I straight out donít give a fuck about anyone. So here we go

There is absolutely nothing bad or naughty about this part... not!

My, there must be some sort of genius writing which such an M. Night twist straight from the get-go.

Shinji lumbered across the battlefield in Unit One, searching for something to slice into tiny little pieces.

Well hereís the first thing wrong with this story: Shinji actually doing something productive.

He saw Asuka's red Unit

Iím going to have to assume this is code for vagina.

Two with its assault rifle in hand and resisted the urge to attack her. He was getting really sick of her nagging him for the previous week about taking her out on a date. He decided to concentrate on the game instead, so he did a high leap and landed on top of a nearby building. "Where are all the Angels and enemy Evas?"

Oh, come on! Anyone can miss that!

Asuka responded. "I don't know... this is really weird, Shinji."
"Be on your guard. I smell trouble." Shinji scanned the battlefield with the large assault rifle he carried. His finger rested on the trigger, ready to blast anything that moved.

Hey, mother fucker! I know one of the weapon safety rules is keep your finger straight and off the trigger until youíre ready to fire. This is what happens when you outlaw firearms in you country, Japan!

"Hey, Shinji?"
"You wanna fuck me?"
Shinji was so startled he jarred his controls. His Eva started firing randomly, tumbled from the building he was standing on, and then crashed to the ground with an earth-shaking thud. "What?!"

This is why we always follow our weapon safety rules.

"As long as we have no enemies around, let's use the sex cheat."

I sure hope Joe Biden does find out about this sex cheat.

Shinji didn't know what to say, so he said the first thing that came to his mind. "Err... we're supposed to be training for the championships here!"
"Screw that! Come on... you've been putting off our makeup date for the last week. At least let's have some virtual fun!"

Trust me when I say that there is nothing fun about a virtual boy.

Shinji gasped and checked the intercom to make sure they were on a private channel. He relaxed when he saw that they were. "I told you, Asuka... I've got family problems right now."

"And you won't tell your oldest and dearest friend what they are!" "Right! So I'm certainly not gonna tell you!"
"You little dork... tell me. What? Did your father have an affair or something?

Something involving a 14 year-old clone or some shit. Honestly, confusion is what happens when you write your show while high on opium.

Shinji flinched. "No! Just mind your own business!" Inside her entry plug, Asuka screwed up her face. "Freak-a-zoid... Okay, Shin-boy... have it your way." Then a sly grin spread across her face as she reached over and keyed a code into the onboard computer.

Hey, bitch, I know we donít use work hours and equipment to look for porn, aight?

Before Shinji's startled eyes, Unit Two's armor fell off and revealed the naked female body underneath. As usual for the sex cheat, the armor covering the head remained in place.

Must be one of them butterfaces.

Shinji suddenly had to shift in his seat to allow a certain oak tree a little room to expand in his pants. "Damn it, Asuka... I'm here to train!"

Itís called a fucking penis, alright? I have one, half the world has one, and 3/4s of China has one. Also, haha, little.

"Such a boring little boy," Asuka muttered. Then, knowing Shinji would never have the guts to even fuck a VR girl, Asuka sat her Eva down and ran its hands sensually across its curvaceous body.

Eh, still not as bad as the shit we see in the Transformers fandom

If it was just any female naked body Shinji might have been able to resist, but since the female bodies in the sex cheat were modeled after Rei's body he was having a real hard time resisting the forbidden fruit--a cherry in this case--spread out in front of him. A part of him wanted to pull his self-destruct lever and a part of him wanted to jump the Eva's bones. <Stop thinking about Rei like that! She's your sister, dammit!>

Donít talk that way about your mother-ish thing... God I fucking hate Evangelion

He was ready to turn his Eva around and go in search of something to kill

Again, too productive to be Shinji.

when he noticed that Asuka had progressed past fondling her Eva's breasts and had moved to explore the lower regions of the anatomically correct VR body.

Anatomically correct? Will we finally learn if the curtains match the drapes?

That did it for Shinji. He couldn't see Rei's body like that and keep his hormones from overruling his reason.

Oh, goddamn it, man! Youíre proving the feminists right that men have no self control.

He fumbled with his Eva's armor release and then sprinted forward.
Asuka was shocked at seeing the armor fall from the male Eva unit's body.

Wait, so does this mean that Shinjiís mother was a man? Man, no wonder Christian Conservatives are so keen on redefining the family unit: You get NGE if you do.

She stopped what she was doing and withdrew her fingers. "Shinji! What are.." she cried just before Unit One jumped on top of her and inserted its unit into Asuka's unit.

You know, when he says ďunitĒ going into another ďunitĒ it feels like Iím reading gay porn. So from now on a female unit will be called a ďplug.Ē

Now, at this point, the author broke the scene by writing out EVA. Iím a nice guy so Iíll replace that shitty scene breaker with one using the same production values as Gainax.

The readers screamed bloody murder as the scene shifted to another part of the battlefield where Touji, Hikari, and Kensuke were fighting off hordes of Angels and enemy Eva units with a flurry of slashes and thrusts of their assorted weapons.

We clearly didnít watch the same show since everyone knows Gainax would rather show pointless filler than an actual battle or plot development.

Rei was nearby grappling with an Angel which looked exactly like Shinji, at least in her mind it did. She was having trouble fighting something that she thought looked like him, so had already regenerated five times since the game started a couple of minutes earlier. "No... No... No... Shinji!!" Her Eva was beheaded and Rei felt a warm feeling spread across her panties.

So decapitation turns on young Japanese girls. This information will serve me well.

"Not bad, Rei, but a little higher in pitch and you'll have it," Touji commented and sliced an Eva into three pieces using a large curved blade held in the center. <Where is Shinji anyway?>

Wait, so youíre telling me youíd think Shinji would rather be contributing to fighting than, say, thinking how useless he is while the world dies? You two need to hang out more.

He looked briefly at his tactical map and spotted the indicators for Shinji and Asuka on the edge of the battlefield. "Shut up, Suzuhara! She's having enough trouble in this game without your vile comments! I'm sure she was just asking for Shinji's assistance in fighting, not what your perverted little mind imagined."

Yes, Shinji would totally be assisting you all right now. You all clearly know him well.

"Obviously you thought the same thing I did... Oooofff!" Touji got the breath knocked out of him when Hikari kneed his Eva in the groin. There was no way that Touji could have really felt that--the tactile feedback the game entry plugs

Itís funny because plug is codeword for vagina.

provided wasn't that detailed--but he felt the pain nonetheless in his mind. "Nasty." Rei's Eva returned to the game and she lumbered slowly across the battlefield towards a group of enemy Evas.

Only in Japan would you find a virtual reality mecha simulator where it's not only possible to rape your enemies, it's implicitly encouraged.

She absently proceeded to hack them apart, with almost a mechanical movement. Anyone who knew how she normally fought, could recognize that her heart was just not in the game.

"Rei! What are you doing!" Kensuke's voice called out.

"Huh? Just getting some practice in.... why?"

"You just hacked Hikari and Touji's Evas apart! Look at your tactical map!"

Rei glanced down at her display and swore. "Fuck! Guys... I'm sorry!"

"You didn't need to kill Hikari just because you were mad at me!" Touji shouted back.

"I'm really sorry... I've been having some family problems lately."

By which, of course, she means sheís on the rag.

Rei's Eva just stopped moving as she released the controls to cradle her head in her hands. Tears dripped down on the controls and suddenly sparks erupted from the cracks. "Oh, no!!

Oh, so a few sparks make you worry but you pissing on yourself is ignored. God this girl has issues.

"Oh, Shinji!" Asuka cried, still unable to fathom why Shinji would do this so suddenly.

Now this is the Gainax we know and loathe!

She had assumed he would chicken out and run away with his penis hanging limp between his legs.

Yeah, considering youíre not unconscious.

Unit One continued its... activity... until the displays flickered and suddenly went dead.

"Huh?" Asuka gasped, almost as if disappointed. "No way was that ten minutes!"

Wow, only ten minutes, huh?

"Sorry, players... we have a slight problem. Please exit your entry plugs!" a voice called from outside the entry plugs.

With my code words I managed to create some sort of metaphor for giving birth. Oo-fucking-rah!

"Damn, just when it was..." Asuka trailed off, opened her entry plug, and stepped out. Remembering that she was supposed to be mad at Shinji, she stormed over to his plug before anyone else got out. "Dummkopf! What were you thinking?!"

Oh, yeah, you lead him on but suddenly heís the bad guy.

Shinji hadn't gotten out of his entry plug and just looked timidly at Asuka's feet. "Sorry, Asuka... I don't know what got into me."

"You got into me, that's what!!"

But what got into Shinji, is the question that was asked.

Suddenly, a thought struck Shinji. "Hey, it was your idea!!"
Asuka flinched and blushed. "Well... so what! Try that again and I'll never let you fuck me for real!" She turned and stormed away.

Itís okay, Shinji knows you canít say no when youíre asleep.

Shinji frowned suddenly. "For real?" he whispered to himself.
The others passed by him on their way out. "Coming, Shinji?" Touji asked, pausing briefly outside Shinji's plug.

So that explains a lot!

Shinji stirred a bit in order to look like he was climbing out. "Err... yeah. I'll catch up to you guys... I have to hit the head before we eat."

"Okay," Touji said absently as he walked away. When everyone was clear, Shinji crawled out of his plug and stealthily made his way to the bathroom, trying to hide the wet stain on his pants.

You know, if people are just going to destroy a good pair of trousers every time they ride one of these then wouldnít it be easier to freeball it?

"What a klutz!" Touji exclaimed as he looked at Shinji's wet pants.

"It's not my fault that the faucet in the men's room was broken!" Shinji blurted his cover story. He hoped washing the stain out and discarding his boxers in the bathroom was enough to keep the smell from being noticed.

"Yeah, yeah..."

"You know... we're never going to get past the first round with you all playing as lousy as that!" Hikari scolded them all as they walked.

Shut the fuck up, bitch whoís had like two lines before this!

"I'm..." Rei began to apologize, but Shinji beat her to it. "I'm sorry guys... I've been having some problems at home. I promise that I'll get over it by the time we head to Osaka-2."

Rei blinked and was amazed at hearing that Shinji had a bad game too.

Only ten miutes is pretty bad.

She had been so out of it, she didn't even remember seeing him during the game. Seeing him for real that is.

Asuka was so mad smoke was almost coming out of her ears.

So, is this story trying to be funny or erotic, because itís doing a shitty job doing both.

She wanted to ream Shinji a new one, but she wasn't about to do it in front of the gang.

But doing during battle is a-fucking-o-fucking-k

The gang walked in awkward silence, with only an occasional stilted conversation starting, before it met an untimely end as a subject came up that someone didn't want to talk about and would change the subject.

After the gang broke up, Hikari and Touji walked alone in a small park. "What do you think is wrong with Rei?"

Bitch pissed herself, thatís what's wrong.

Touji shrugged. "That time of the month?" Hikari bonked him over the head with her bag. "Idiot. That has nothing to do with playing EVA!"

"How would you know?!"

Hikari shook her head sadly. "You are really clueless sometimes. Do you think Shinji is dating Asuka or Rei?"

The guy might be dating his sister and you dumbfucks donít think itís weird.

"Huh? No way, Shinji tells me everything!"

"Yeah... I'm sure he does." Hikari's expression did not match her words. "I think he's probably fucked one of them by now." She knew there was no chance of that, but she liked how cute Touji looked when he boasted of his manhood.

Touji: Itís two inches long!

"Not a chance! I'll be the first one of us to give the most beautiful girl in school my love juices."

What the fuck? No, really, what the fuck! Who the fuck talks like that? I donít care who you are or what the fuck youíve been through, but youíre never allowed to talk like that in any situation. And what the fuck is it with these damn fanfic writers always writing shit like this? No, really, donít they know how normal people talk (Thatís rhetorical, you dumb fucks!)? Jesus fucking Christ, calling it man-goo sounds normal compare to this shit.

"Damn, I thought you loved me and here you have the hots for Sana?!"

Touji frowned. "Sana? She's cute, I guess... but not a fox like you." He put on a charming smile.

Hikari giggled. "You are so easy." She reached over, grabbed his shirt, and pulled him down for a long kiss.

And another fucking thing; what the fuck is up with this whole ďFuck youĒ ďLetís make love right nowĒ attitude that always infest these PWP stories? Itís not fucking cute and itís not fucking realistic. Go fuck yourselves, you perverted shitbags!

When the kiss ended, Touji smirked. "You big tease." Hikari smiled sweetly. Then Touji frowned. "Which one is Sana again?" Hikari rolled her eyes and grabbed Touji's hand and pulled him away deeper into the park. "Let's just find somewhere quiet and make out. I really don't want to talk to you anymore."

Touji, being Touji, didn't even hear the insult and instead smiled broadly. <Bet I can get into her panties tonight.>

Hikari noticed his reaction. <Bet he thinks he'll get into my panties tonight... he is so transparent.>


Because they lived close together, Rei, Asuka, and Shinji ended up walking together. As in the past, each girl wished the other would leave her alone with Shinji.

I do wonder if any girl ever thought about said writer like this. Fuck no

Finally, Asuka had to ask a question that had been troubling her. "Hey, Shinji, what's wrong at home?"

Rei shuddered.

Shinji tried to evade, but Asuka grabbed his shirt. "Just tell me! We're friends, right?!"

"Yeah... um... well, my mother is thinking of divorcing my father. It turns out he had an affair a while ago." Shinji carefully avoided looking at Rei.

"Wow... err... that sucks, Shinji."


"Tell me about it." Shinji wasn't able to keep from glancing at Rei.
"I'm sure your mom will forgive him, she's pretty forgiving. You remember that time you burned all her bras? She forgave you then."

He was just trying to help her with her... hot flashes.

Shinji shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. Hey! You're the one who burned them and blamed it on me!"

Asuka suddenly realized he was right. "Err... don't change the subject, Shinji."

Shinji decided he wasn't in the mood to fight with Asuka. "Anyway, they've been going to counseling since the shit hit the fan about a week ago."

Yeah, who'd have thought fucking your sister would cause some friction between your parents. Fuck you, buddy.

"Well, no wonder you haven't wanted to make that date up to me yet."

Rei's book bag dropped to the ground with a loud thud. Shinji looked around and smiled nervously at Rei. Asuka turned around and asked, "Something wrong, Rei?"

"No. I just dropped my bag!" Rei chimed, trying to sound chipper and retrieved her bag. Shinji wasn't fooled.

Stop. Just fucking stop. This little tension scenario is just fucking forced. Everyone knows that these ďShinji fucks every girlĒ stories are written by lonely otakuís who never get any and use Shinji as a vessel to live out their fantasies.

"Anyway, you really shouldn't let your parents' problems affect you so much. Can't stop living just because your parents are stupid."

Shinji nervously scratched his head. "Yeah... I guess. Hey! Don't call my parents stupid!"

"Aren't they?"

"No! Well... not my mom."

By which he means Rei.

After some more awkward conversation, Asuka finally headed home, leaving the new brother and sister alone.

Who fuck on the side.

"So... you're dating Asuka already?" The jealousy was very evident in Rei's voice.

"No!!" Shinji blurted, then calmed down. "Um... she sort of cornered me before we found out we were related and got the idea that I asked her out on a date... maybe I did sort of accept. But we never got a chance to actually have a date."

Rei walked silently for a few seconds before answering. "I see. It's okay if you want to."


"If you want to date her, I understand. It's not like we can anymore." Then Rei added a hopeful sounding, "Can we?" to the end that Shinji didn't seem to hear.

"I'm not really sure I want to date her. It doesn't seem right after all you've been through."

Itís times like this I wish I actually read the previous chapters. No, wait, I donít.

Editor's note: They're a lot like this chapter, funnily enough, except Misato has sex with a teenager at some point.

Rei smiled slightly and looked at Shinji in his eyes. "Thank you. That's very nice of you, but we have to forget our screwed up past and get on with our lives."

"Well, if you're sure..." Shinji said.

Rei nodded, even though she knew her words hadn't come from her heart. Her heart wanted to look into Shinji's beautiful piercing eyes forever and kiss his lips forever and nibble his chest forever and... you get the idea.

They walked some more, slowly being able to talk like they did before the recent revelations that they were brother and sister, well half-brother and half-sister, at least.

"So what about, Kensuke?"

Rei started. "Huh?"

"He's a nice guy and maybe..."

Everyone knows that a main character dating a secondary one always leads to their death.

"I'm not ready for another relationship right now." Internally, Rei wondered if she'd ever be able to have a normal relationship after this. Not that she'd had a normal one yet, of course.

Shinji frowned. <So why am I then? Or am I?>

"Hot damn! My turn!"

Shinji glared at Asuka and began to raise his hand to dismiss her, but decided he couldn't do that every time she bugged him or she'd never be around. A part of him wondered why that would be a bad thing. "Whatever..."

Because that would actually resolve shit.

Rei was off by herself, not doing much of anything, while Misato hovered nearby, trying to find something she could say or do to help her new found daughter.

Asuka beamed. "Now that we're going to be a perfect couple in your perfect world, we should fuck here."

"It's not perfect." Shinji slowly turned towards Asuka. "It's not perfect, and the problems there don't affect how I feel here and now."

God damn is this guy a faggot.

"How do you feel?"

"I feel sick."

"Why? Are you pregnant?"

Shinji flinched. "What? I'm a man, men can't get pregnant!"

Yeah, try telling them that.

"Oh... want to make me pregnant then?"

Rei and Misato's head snapped around to look at the redhead.

Shinji sighed. "Not really."

Asuka frowned, she had expected a bigger blowup from Shinji. "You're getting a bit dull, Shinji."

So what the fuck was the point of this scene? No, really, it did not advance anything. All it did was waste my time, which is worth nothing, but thatís not the point. Goddamn it I should not be wishing to be reading sex scenes instead, because at least those are somewhat entertaining.

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: date n. colloq. 1 appointment, esp. social 2 go out together as sexual partners

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World'
- 2nd edition (Asuka tore up the first one): date n. cooloq. 1 awkward appointment, esp. after learning the girl you love is your half-sister 2 go out together as sexual partners and make hot passionate love to the gorgeous redhead known as Asuka (stop writing in my guide, Asuka!)

WHAT THE FUCK? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT? Goddamn it, people, if that hack Kurt Vonnegut couldnít pull off self-aware ironic character notes then what makes you assholes think you can do it.

A few days later, Shinji stood in front of Asuka's door. After several aborted tries at knocking, he finally got the nerve to touch the door. After tapping lightly a few times, he shrugged and turned away. He had only accepted this date because Asuka was so persistent and Rei said it was all right, so his heart wasn't in the knock. "Guess she's not home."

Before he could take more than a couple steps, the door opened. "Hi, Shinji! Cute butt!"

Shinji gulped and turned around. "Hhhhh...hi, Asuka."

So does he like her, hate her, canít stand her, or what? Canít this story make up its own mind.

Editor's note: It's called "tsundere," old bean. I don't expect you to understand what that means. You're not kawaii-desu like the rest of us, Two-One-Five no Baka!!!

Asuka stood in the doorway in a beautiful knee-length black dress that hung from her shoulders by a pair of small straps. She smiled sweetly and spun around. "You like?"

Shinji nodded. He was trying not to 'react' to seeing how sexy she looked in her dress. The fact that when she spun around she had revealed her pink lace panties didn't help matters.

"Well, Mr. Ikari, shall we go?" Asuka held out her hand. Shinji nodded as he raised his arm and took her hand. The couple started walking down the street.
"Are you going to talk tonight?"

Not unless he knocks you out first. Otherwise, heís not interested.

Shinji nodded, but remained silent as they walked since he was having trouble thinking of anything to say.

Asuka smiled. <Boy, this must be his first date. Well, I'll take it easy on him.> She totally overlooked the fact that it was her first date too.

Hardy Hardy Fuck Fuck

Shinji and Asuka ate dinner at a nice restaurant, meaning you didn't pass an old southern geezer with a goatee as you entered the door and the food would probably be edible and chicken beak free. Unfortunately, it wasn't.

Goddamn it, why the fuck is this story so damn long!

Shinji put another chicken beak on the little beak plate and sighed. "Sorry, Asuka, I thought this place was nicer."

Asuka just smiled. "No sweat, Shinji. It's the thought that counts." She stood up and brushed the beaks off her dress. "Let's go for a walk in the park, okay?" She cocked her head to the side and smiled.

Shinji nodded and put down some money for the bill. <Dang, Asuka looks cute when she smiles.>

They strolled out of the restaurant and towards a small park, which seemed to have a lot of couples milling around. Actually, they were doing more than milling, much to Shinji's discomfort.

"So, you think your parents are going to get a divorce?"

God, no real-life bitch can ever be this good at creating an awkward situation.

Shinji flinched at the sudden question from Asuka. "Um... no... I think they are getting over their problems. The affair was a long time ago, so I think she's forgiven him... mostly."

"That's good. What do you want to do for the rest of the night?"

"Whatever you want to."

Asuka smiled and grabbed Shinji's hand, pulling him deeper into the park.

Eh, saw it coming. Everyone knows these first date scenarios always end in rape

Shinji began to grow more nervous as he saw all the couples making out in all sorts of unusual places and positions. They were on benches, on the edges of fountains, on blankets, on tree limbs, on top of light poles, leaning against garbage cans, using cardboard boxes. One couple were even doing it on top of a sign reading 'No making out in the park. Fine: 10,000 yen. Fine for making out on top of this sign: 20,000 yen'.

Haha, itís funny because people are clearly disregarding the law.

They passed one couple who were staring vacantly into each other's eyes. "Oh, Mr. Soup, we're alone at last!" the young woman said, as the man wrapped his strong arms around her firm body.

"No one can see us now, Ms. Noodle! " the young man said, ignoring everyone who was staring at them.

"Take me, my soup stud!!"

"Oh, Ms. Noodles!"

Shinji looked away from the couple who was suddenly swapping spit like there was no tomorrow. "Um... maybe we should go somewhere else?"

Yeah, like the middle of a goddamn battle field.

"You said it was my choice." Asuka grinned mischievously and searched for a free spot. She spotted a young couple locked in a firm embrace on a park bench.

"Ushiko, wherefore art it, Ushiko?" the man asked, fumbling behind the woman's back.

The woman starred lovingly into the man's eyes. "Wherefore art what, Umao?"

"Wherefore art thine brassiere, Ushiko?"

"Doth it matterith, Umao?"

The man paused briefly to consider this and then continued. "No, my love!" With that, he picked up the woman in his arms and carried her off into the night, Asuka knew not where.

Nor did she care. She sat quickly down onto the bench the couple had just vacated, flipping a forgotten bra off in the process. She pulled Shinji down next to her, looked him in the eyes, and waited patiently for him to make a move. He didn't. "What's wrong, Shinji, don't you want to kiss me?"

WHY THE FUCK IS THERE SO MUCH FUCKING FILLER IN A FUCKING LEMON? No, really, this defies all fucking logic. People read this crap because they want to get their jollies and yet this fucking asshole is padding this crap with as much filler as possible. God, this would probably alienate more people than a superhero show without any actual super heroes.

"Err... I don't want to rush things."

Asuka smirked at his nervousness. "You really are too timid sometimes, Shinji. You seemed to like kissing me before." She batted her eyelashes a few times.

"Yeah, well... err..."

Asuka could see Shinji wasn't going to make the first move, she stopped his rambling by placing her lips on his. He was startled at first, but soon returned the offered kiss and the two teenagers were soon swapping spit with a fervor. Several minutes later a voice interrupted their make out session. "Ha! They look like two cats in heat!"

Shinji broke the kiss at hearing the familiar voice. "Ah.... Touji... how are you doing?" The single strand of spit that still connected his mouth to Asuka's spoiled his attempt to act casual.

Seriously, Shinji should have left you dead inside that Eva for being such a fucking cockblock.

Touji grinned broadly. "Not as good as you... yet." He glanced at Hikari, who was at his side and holding his hand. Hikari glared at him. "I don't think we'll get that passionate, Slick." Shinji and Asuka blushed while Touji's face sunk.

"Um... fancy meeting you here, guys." Asuka unconsciously moved away from Shinji.

I swear, if I have to read about group sex it will still be better than reading the rest of this crap.

Hikari smiled. "That's my line. Why didn't you tell me you two were dating, girlfriend!" She slipped in beside Asuka. "Spill the details."

Touji sat down next to Shinji and slapped him on the back. "Shinji, you dork! Why didn't you tell me you were getting some action from Big-red here."

I guess everyone has seen down there.

Asuka cast death rays from her eyes at Touji.

Shinji looked awkwardly at his friends. "Um... it's our first date." Touji's face fell again. "First date?" He looked at Hikari. "You said it wasn't proper to French kiss on OUR first date!"

"Well, Shinji's a lot more of a gentleman than you are, Slick. He'd never think of groping my breast like you did on our first date!"

Where I come from, we call that sexual assault.

Asuka smiled. "That's nothing, Shinji has..."

Before she could tell them that Shinji had done more than grope her breasts already, Shinji interrupted her. "Um... we have to go. Come on, Asuka." He stood up and pulled Asuka to her feet.

<He's so cute when he's bashful.> Asuka smiled and let Shinji drag her away, leaving the arguing couple alone.



"Control freak!"


Hikari glanced at where she had seen Shinji and Asuka run off. "That wasn't very nice of us."

"Hey! We've been dating longer, so we deserve the bench more than they do!" Touji slid in beside Hikari and gave her a deep kiss.

Hikari grew weak under the power of the kiss. "Well... I'm sure they'll find somewhere else to make out... Come on, baby, make me purr!"

Touji grinned and gave Hikari another long kiss, while his hand roamed over her body. After receiving no complaints about fondling her breast, he started to explore further down her body until his hand started working it's way under her skirt.

"Oh, Touji!"

This was a fucking waste of fucking time and you fucking know it!

Shinji and Asuka wandered out of the park. "Well, I guess we don't have to bother telling the gang anymore."

Shinji looked at Asuka with a confused look on his face. "Huh? Tell them what?"

"That we're a couple now, idiot!"

"Oh..." Shinji trailed off. <I guess we are... but am I ready for this?>

No. After all, you have a plug, you plug.

Asuka smiled sweetly at Shinji and took his hand as they strolled. After a while, Asuka spun around and smiled at Shinji. "You know, Shinji... you're not a bad kisser."

Shinji smiled awkwardly. "Err... thanks. Maybe we should call it a night."

Asuka looked around the deserted street and grinned. "Nope." She jumped forward and gave Shinji a long kiss.

Prelude to the rape, of course.

Shinji started to get lost in the passionate kiss. Just before his eyes closed completely, they snapped back open after he saw Rei in the distance.

Rei had stopped walking along the street when she spotted Shinji and Asuka. The former lovers' eyes remained locked together as Asuka continued the kiss.

Tears formed in Rei's eyes before she spun around and ran off crying into the night.

Heís your brother!

The kiss broke when Asuka realized that Shinji wasn't responding at all. "What's wrong, Shinji?"

Shinji stammered for something to say. "Err... nothing... I... err.. I had a great time, Asuka!" He smiled, although it appeared forced. "Um... see ya at school tomorrow!"

Shinji took off running towards where he had seen Rei disappear.

Asuka looked at his retreating back, dumbfounded. "What... the?"

Yes, discover how fucked up these two are. By all means, Iím sure your reaction will be perfectly rational.

Shinji was panicked as he raced down the quiet streets of Tokyo-3. <Dammit... I knew it was too soon. Where are you, Rei?> He grew more and more concerned that his sister might do something rash as minutes passed without sign of her.

Like swallow the world in her forehead vagina.

Suddenly, he screeched to a halt and relaxed when he spotted her in the distance. He tensed up again when he saw her talking to some old man in front of a love hotel. "Rei!!"

Rei snapped her head around at hearing his voice. After a moment's hesitation, she took off running leaving the old man behind. <Shit... that was a hot one.> He looked around for another prostitute. <If I can't find one soon, the Viagra will wear off, dammit!>

That was not funny.

Shinji gave chase. "Rei, stop!"

"Leave me alone, Shinji!"

"No! Not if you're going to go sell yourself to any guy with a few hundred yen!!"

Rei didn't slow down. "Try at least thirty thousand!"

Given Evangelion's popularity, I'm not surprised that some Japanese guy would pay that much for a prostitute like Rei.

Shinji slowed at hearing her instant answer. <Oh, Rei... you're more messed up than I thought.>

Oh, yeah, sheís messed up mister I-masturbate-to-unconscious-chicks. Nobody in Evangelion has any right to call anybody else in Evangelion "messed up."

Realizing he was now losing ground to the fleeing girl her redoubled his pace. "If you need the money..." He reached out, managed to grabbed Rei's wrist, and pulled her to a halt. In his haste, he twisted her arm.

Rei flinched at the pain. By instinct, she spun around and slapped Shinji hard across his face. "Let go of me, Hasamoto!!"

Shinji recoiled from the hit and backed against a nearby fence, holding his cheek. At first, he didn't even register the name Rei used. <I think I've heard her use that name before, but where?>

Rei looked at the bruised Shinji and shuddered. "You've got Asuka now, just go back to your date!"

With all this drama going on I bet it will add nothing to character development.

"Who cares about Asuka right now! Don't do this to yourself, you deserve so much more!"

Rei shuddered. <Yes... I deserve you, but I can't have you anymore.> She steeled herself and shot back a response that wasn't from her heart. "I'll do anything I want to! This is all I have left now! You just go back and fuck Asuka!"

"I'm not going to fuck Asuka, dammit!"

Yeah, two innies just donít mix, you know.

In the theater, Asuka swore. "Dammit, when am I going to get some!"

Before Shinji could say anything or dismiss Asuka, Misato did. "Shut up, Asuka!" She walked over and put a hand on her trembling daughter's shoulder. "It's okay, Rei, Shinji won't allow that Rei to come to any harm... I know it."

Rei looked up at Misato's face. "I know.... Mother." Misato pulled Rei into a tender hug.

Shinji looked at them and sighed. <I hope he can... I'm not sure I could in his place.>

Asuka looked at the hugging mother and child. "Oh, how sickeningly sweet..." she said, dryly.

"Can't you feel any sympathy for anyone except yourself, Asuka?!" Shinji asked rhetorically.

And what the fuck did that have to do with anything.

Rei glared at Shinji. "Yeah... right! I saw how you were enjoying that kiss!"

"Dammit, Rei! Stop beating yourself up over everything. I'm not going to let you ruin your life like this!"

Ruining everybody else's lives via mass extinction event is a-okay though. She has that forehead vagina to do that for her.

"What do you care?!"

"I love you, that's why!"

Rei flinched. "I know you do... but you can't give me what I need now... please leave me alone."

I guess everyone knows about his lack of penis.

"Fine then! If it'll keep you from selling yourself to some dirty old man, I'll just be a paying customer!" Shinji suddenly announced. He dug into his pocket and produced a couple bills and some coins. "What'll ten-thousand and..." He counted his coins. "Three-hundred fifty yen get me?"

Sheíll cosplay as your favorite Lucky Star Character and act all Tsundere to you.

Editor's note: So, what, were you feigning ignorance before? Two-One-Five no Baka indeed.

Rei was speechless. She looked back and stared at Shinji's eyes for several seconds. Tears came to her eyes and she opened her mouth to speak.
"It'll get you both arrested."

Shinji and Rei turned their heads and saw a police officer standing beside them.

This never happens in GTA

Author's notes/ramblings:

Okay... let the sucking begin!!

Yeah, if we fucking ignore the previous chapter.

Mr. Soup and Ms. Noodles are from Urusei Yatsura. They occasionally popped up as a running joke as a young couple in love who are never able to find a quiet place to make out. Ushiko and Umao are from Kimagure Orange Road and are constantly popping up and asking where the other is. These two couples seemed to fit the make out scene nicely.

No, you dumb motherfucker! It did nothing of the sort! All it fucking did was waste time! Leaving them out would have made reading these 6,500 word mock/story slightly more tolerable.

I'd like to thank my pre-readers Thomas C. Kinnen, Taler Schilling, Axel Teizaki, James Grabowski, Arnold Callwood, EBJ, and Johan Holberg for helping me find and fix problems with this story

Bull fucking shit! Where's my hit-list and my murdering pen?!

FFML members EeL, Chris Davies, Patrick McClanahan, Mathew Campbell, David Smith, and Michael A. Chase were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.

I fucking hate you right now!

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jul 10 2011, 10:14 PM

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Jul 11 2011, 04:43 PM
Ah, still funny the second time around. Good job, guys!
Also, Al, do you wish to write "Mykan" in the begining- you wrote Joey because of the word filter. smile.gif

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Not quite here, not quite there.

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post Jul 11 2011, 05:15 PM
I'm confused. Is this ShinjixRei, ShinjixAsuka, or Shinji's Almighty Harem?


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post Jul 11 2011, 06:52 PM
Editor's note: So, what, were you feigning ignorance before? Two-One-Five no Baka indeed.


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That's right, Susan!
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post Jul 11 2011, 07:23 PM
QUOTE (oneluckyduck @ Jul 11 2011, 05:43 PM)
Ah, still funny the second time around. Good job, guys!
Also, Al, do you wish to write "Mykan" in the begining- you wrote Joey because of the word filter. smile.gif

No, that was intentional. The word filter was gone by that time.


The editor's note before that explained what a tsundere was and called you Two-One-Five no Baka. It's a thing.

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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#oh it's JUST tk
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post Jul 11 2011, 07:30 PM
Gotta be honest here, Al. Not a fan of the editor's notes. I think they get in the way. If there's a comment you'd like to add, couldn't you put it after the mock like the rest of us?

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That's right, Susan!
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post Jul 11 2011, 07:37 PM
QUOTE (T_K_17 @ Jul 11 2011, 08:30 PM)
Gotta be honest here, Al.  Not a fan of the editor's notes.  I think they get in the way.  If there's a comment you'd like to add, couldn't you put it after the mock like the rest of us?

Just for that, your entire chapter is going to be nothing but editor's notes.

Yeah, sure.

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Jul 11 2011, 08:02 PM
Okay! X) (I liked the Editor's notes, but that's just me. smile.gif )

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