Loud Noises Startle Kyon and Haruhi, Enthralled yet? Options

[Al_Cone]

Sometimes, I get this restless feeling, like I have to mock something, but I don't quite know what. I tried doing a chapter of SMLoZ, a chapter of NTL, but neither of them could move me. So, out of desperation, I started browsing ff.net's library for something, anything.

I was about to give up when I noticed, in the Haruhi section, a story called "The Distress of Haruhi Suzumiya." I almost overlooked it, but then I noticed that the summary was badly punctuated and not at all capitalized, and those are always the best stories. Then I read the summary, and immediately burst into open laughter: "what would happen if kyon and haruhi where in the school and heard a loud noise? read to find out R&R"

Well, I certainly had to find out. And now that you've read it, you are no doubt compelled to read on in order to discover as well. Thankfully, I'm here to slake your lust for mediocrity, so sit back and assume the position.

******

Disclaimer: I dont own any part of the haruhi suzumiya series

Sheesh. At least we're spared the all-too-common author's note about "I WISH I owned _______" or "If I owned _______ then ______ would have ended up with ______ and ____ would never have died because _____ and _____ are the OTP lol!

The Distress of Haruhi Suzumiya

Not to be confused with the fan-made hentai anime "The Undress of Haruhi Suzumiya."

It was a sunny day at school today to sunny some might say but not me I thought it was perfect.

Kyon: But then, I'm easier to please than a touch-sensitive girl with Full-Body Clitoris Disorder.

As usual I was in the club room playing Othello with Koizumi when a certain someone burst through the door.



"I've got balls of steel!" shouted Duke as he filled Koizumi and Kyon with lead. "Eat shit and die!"

"ok everyone today where going to" "stop right there Haruhi. Why don't you say hello first before explaining your next hair brained scam to drain both my energy and wallet" I rudely interrupted

In most fandoms, that awkwardly phrased and badly punctuated paragraph would serve as laughter fuel; in the Haruhi Suzumiya fandom, it's "deconstruction," or "subversion," or one of those damn buzzwords that tropers like to throw around in order to sound intelligent.

I hate this show.

"humph why did you have to spoil my mood Kyon" she said with a upset look on her face.

" 'cause if I didn't you would of carried on without your manners" I said with a smirk creeping out from my usual expression

If Kyon's smirk creeps out of his usual expression and sees its shadow, it means six more weeks of horrendous grammar and punctuation.

"fine what ever" she said in a slightly irritated tone of voice

If this were realistic to the show, Haruhi would respond to Kyon's insubordination by ignoring him and, failing that, ending the universe out of angst. I didn't think it was possible for Haruhi Suzumiya to be an improvement upon anything, but there it is.

as she sat down me and Koizumi continued our game of Othello. About a hour in and Suddenly a explosion of emotion erupted from the the girl sitting behind the computer

"you guys are so boring how can you sit there playing that game in silent all day everyday!" She screamed while scratching her head furiously

Haruhi: Fucking ticks!

almost in the same instant that the sound reached our ears and as Koizumi jumped I sighed and turned to the girl and began to try and explain

"for starters calm down and ill explain it to you" I said in a stern but calm voice

as she looked at me she instantly calmed down almost keen to listen. As I saw this I sighed again and began

I wonder if Kyon just sighs compulsively.

"we sit here playing 'that' game because there's nothing better to do and its the only game both me and Koizumi know how to play"as I went to take a breath she went to speak. So I said "I'm not finished yet" as the words hit her ears she closed her mouth to listen again

Good thing too, because she was about to ask why they don't just learn how to play Stratego if they're so bored. I don't think Kyon's brain can handle so potent a logic bomb.

Hey, didn't Haruhi have something for them to do when she came in? I guess we're just dropping that untidy little plot thread.

"i would play chess or another game if I knew how" I said in a almost sarcastic voice

as I looked at her. She had a smug smile on her face almost as though she was mocking me .

"Kyon if you didn't know how to play chess why didn't you ask me to teach you" she said with her smile widening almost to the point where her mouth would rip apart

Kyon: Haruhi, stop smiling. It's freaking me out.

Haruhi: I...I can't! AAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH*rrrrrrrrrrrrrip*

as I sighed a knock came from the club room door and the angelic sound of miss Assihina's voice rung through my ears

Yes, Milkuru Assahina--uh, Mikuboobs Vagihina--shit. Okay, for real this time, Mikuru Asagiantbountifulchestpillows.

...Close enough.

"M-may I come in" she said in that sweet voice of hers

"Mikuru why are you asking your the one who people have to knock for" haruhi said in that annoying voice she does

Haruhi's Urkel impersonation is uncanny.

as I stood up to go out the room so miss Assihina could change Haruhi shouted

"KYON WHERE ARE YOU GOING I WAS TALKING TO YOU"

"I'm going out side so miss Assihina can change into whatever stupid costume you have for her today" I replied in a slightly annoyed voice

So in this story's continuity, Haruhi is a shy, timid, passive-aggressive computer nerd with short-term memory deficiency and Kyon is a eunuch with a backbone.

as me and Koizumi where waiting outside there was a small change in the air which I thought was my imagination until Koizumi mentioned it and asked me about it

"did you feel that too Kyon" he said with that stupid smile of his

Itsuki: Huhuhuhuhuh, farts are funny. Huh Kyon? Huhuhuhuhuhuh.

"Uhhhm" I replied not wanting to begin a conversation with him

as he went to question me about the wordless answer a loud noise could be heard through the corridors

" I wonder what that was?" Koizumi calmly questioned

That would be our plot device. And it's about time too. I was starting to wonder if the "loud noise" was Haruhi shouting. That's basically what an average episode of the show is like, but I wouldn't be upset if the story decided to depart from that formula a little.

" I dont know wait here and watch over the door while I check" I replied gulping my words as they came out

I wonder if they tasted better going back down than they did coming up. If so, then verbal bulimia must be the most delicious eating disorder ever.

as I was walking down the stairs I heared a louder noise almost like a mini explosion at first I tought it could have been the science club but they where in a lab in the other building then I thought it could of...nah they wouldn't even attempt that.

Dr. Freechman Freemant Freeman's lecture on the dangers of initiating a resonance cascade put the damper on the science club's ambitious attempt to open a portal to another dimension.

as I carried on walking I saw a splat of what looked like red paint on the wall I was curious

For those of you keeping score, this is the exact point where Kyon's stupidity denies him the right to exist.

but I was trying to find the source of the loud noises. As I made a right turn towards the calligraphy club

Yes, Kyon, I'm sure the calligraphy club is responsible for that eardrum-shattering noise.

someone grabbed my shoulder then put there hand my mouth

"sushhhhhh. Kyon" a familiar voice came from behind me

as I looked through the corner of my eye I noticed who it was. As I did I noticed I ripped there hand away from my mouth

There's a reason they call Kyon's assailant "Urine-Hands Hironobu," after all.

"Haruhi what are you doing you scared me half to death" I whispered in a angry tone

"well I heared noises from the clubroom and Koizumi told us you was trying to find out what they where" she said in a scared voice

Must be terrorists trying to kill all the students who think that "heared" is a word.

"so... is that it? And what are you scared about?" I asked in a cynical voice

"well you just left us there with no protection so I came to find you" she said in a soft voice

Kyon is the most valuable Brigade member because he carries their entire stock of condoms in his wallet.

There are two of them. One is apple flavored.

"what are you talking about? I left Koizumi to watch over both of you" I said in a frustrated voice

" Ok then it wasn't exactly no protection but looking after two people is hard

That's China's justification for the One Child Policy.

so he can look after Mikuru and ill look after you" she said in a happy but scared voice

" well at least your back to normal but im the one protecting you remember" I said lightening the mood

I doubt Kyon's ability to protect a bag of marshmallows from a seven year old, much less Haruhi from home school intruders. Haruhi's better off trying to see if Duke's still on campus and tagging along with him.

as we carried on there was a loud scream followed by a bang then a thump. As it happened Haruhi grabbed my blazer as tight as she could then loosened when she noticed that my ribs where still sore form getting hit by a baseball bat a few weeks ago for defending her from a gang of baseball players that tried to do stuff I don't want to talk about .

So the reason for Haruhi's timidity throughout this story is that she was gang-raped by a baseball team a week ago. It's nice to know that this piece of potentially important backstory is casually shoved into the middle of the chapter where it'll likely never be referenced or of any importance ever again.

As soon as she loosened up I let out a sigh of relief followed by a sharp stabbing pain where she just loosened her grip from

Toph Bei-Fong shows affection by punching people in the arm. Haruhi Suzumiya shows affection by stabbing people in the ribs with stilettos.

she soon noticed what happened and took her arms from around me and looked at myface to see if she could notice when the pain had stopped

suddenly we heard a loud noise from the corridor infront of us as I noticed they weren't voices of any teachers and they where to rough to be teenage voices

Kyon can recognize every single teacher at the school just based on the sound of their voice.

I pushed haruhi through a door that luckily had the key still in the lock and locked it

It must be nice to have a series where the main character can change reality without realizing it. You can write off any sort of plot convenience or inconsistency as being an alteration that Haruhi made to reality to better suit herself. As far as excuses for sloppy, shitty writing go, it's better than "will of the Force" by a longshot.

as I did it I told her to be quiet and "I'm sorry that I couldn't tell you more about what was about to happen but whatever you hear you have to keep this door shut and not draw attention to herself"

Haruhi: "Herself?"

Kyon: Yourself. I meant to say yourself.

Haruhi: Kyon, is there someone else in here with me?

Kyon: Don't ask questions. Just--just stay there.

Haruhi: Ugh, what is this stuff? It's everywhere--it's sticky and smelly and it reminds me of--oh god, Yuki, is that you?!

Yuki: My bowels feel clammy.

as I told her this I slid the key under the door and ran towards the noise

I got to half way down the corridor before I saw them each wearing all back clothes and holding some weird type of machine gun

If there's only one machine gun between the three of them, and it takes all three of them to operate it, then this shouldn't be much of a problem.

"well well well looks like we've got a brave one here boys" the man closest to me said in a joking voice

"looks like we'll have to see how brave he actually is ay boss" the man right form me replied

"yeah lets do it" said the rest of them

So a trio of heavily-armed terrorists have decided to storm a Japanese high school for the sake of...what, exactly? Do they have demands? Are they taking hostages? I don't think they're students, so this falls outside the realm of a normal school shooting. What exactly is their purpose here?

"NO!" said the man closest to me again "he's mine" he said with a evil smile

as he took his machine gun off his shoulder and placed it on the ground I clenched my fist then loosened it again realizing the state my body was in. then I asked

Kyon: What are you doing?

Man: What?

Kyon: With your gun. You just put it on the ground. It's not gonna do you much good down there, is it?

Man: ...I don't understand the question.

"why are you here? Why are you doing this?" I asked wanting to know the reason I was going to die

"why?" he said widening his smile "for money"

Oh. So someone hired a trio of goons, gave them military hardware which they don't seem to understand how to use, and paid them to storm a high school.

...Why? This is never going to be picked up again, is it? Figures.

almost instantly after I heard his answer I ran at him expecting to be shot by one of his underlings.

...Why wasn't he? I know I joked about them having only one gun between the three of them, but I'm starting to think that's the case. First they arm themselves with a single weapon, then they decide to put it down on the ground where it will be of no use to any of them, and they cap it all off by just standing there while the guy they were just now talking about killing charges them.

This is why you shouldn't hire mercenaries on a budget.

As I reached him I clenched my fist and swung straight for his face and screamed "you did this for money? Killing all those students"

with the smile creeping back on his face swung my fist again and again

"how did you know we killed people" he said restraining hiself from laughing

Those corpses and bloodstains were already there when they got to the school. They hadn't even killed anybody before Kyon found them.

"how couldn't I know. The loud noises that sounded like explosions, the screaming and the red stuff on the walls which I tried to convince myself that it wasn't that" I replied as a loud noise came from below me and a cold feeling suddenly entering my body followed by a UN-beleivable pain in the exact same spot.

As I fell to the side I felt the blood escaping my body an gushing through my hand which I was using to stop the blood

Did the gun fire by itself? Wait a minute, that's no machine gun--that's Molly Machinegun, the adorable anthropomorphic AN-94 meant to show kids the ropes of proper gun care and maintenance.

Gosh, it looks like she fell in with a bad crowd after the ban on assault weapons...

"should I finish him off boss?" asked one of the underlings

"no" he said calmly while standing up "let him suffer"

as he picked up his gun

Oh my God, the gun really DID just lay there and shoot Kyon all by itself! It's hard to crack wise about all the stupidity when it preempts me with the very stupidity I'm trying to make fun of!

he and the rest of the men walked away from me leaving me to die. When he was a safe enough distance away I stood up and slowly hobbled towards the room I left haruhi in. as I got there I knocked and quietly as could asked her to open the door

Haruhi: You're not leaking any more fluids are you? Because I just finished cleaning up after you. Took me forever to get it all off of Yuki.

Yuki: I can still taste it.

Haruhi: Shut up, Yuki.

"haruhi its me please let me in" I said in a shaky voice

as the door swung open I saw that she was about to hit me but stopped with a horrified look in her face as I was about to explain my legs started to feel weaker and weaker until I couldn't support myself and collapsed my. body hitting the floor and hearing haruhi scream in terror as she saw the pool of blood spilling all over the floor was almost as the cold feeling I had all over my body

Haruhi: I'd go and get the Brigade's janitor to clean up this mess, but well, YOU'RE the janitor. That reminds me, I'm going to have to find a replacement for you. Do you know anybody?

Kyon: My liver...has a 5.56 round in it...

Haruhi: Kyon, whining isn't going to get either of us anywhere.

"y..you...your go...ing to be all...all...alright Ok kyon wh...ere going to g...g...g...get you through this" she said in the most shaky voice I ever heard

Of all the days for the school to be attacked by terrorists, it HAD to be during In-Character-As-Torgo Day...!

"haruhi" I said literally forcing the words out

she lifted her head to meet my eyes he tears dripping on my face. They almost warmed me up

Nonsense. There's nothing warm about Haruhi. Except, perhaps, the branding iron that she uses to mark new Brigade members as her private property with. And while it's not totally out of character for Kyon to enjoy something like that, I don't think it's something he'd appreciate during his dying moments.

"I've never admitted to it to anyone because I wanted it to be my little secret till I finally found the courage to tell you but I've always found you attractive at first it was a small crush then it developed into more and then I finally realized that I loved you and always will"

For someone who's dying of copious blood loss, he sure won't shut the hell up.

"I LOVE YOU HARUHI SUZUMIYA WITH ALL MY HEART AND SOAL!" I shouted it as loud as I could

Terrorist 1: Hey boss, did you hear that?

Terrorist 2: Yeah, it sounds like that kid we shot still isn't dead yet. Jimmy, why don't you take the gun and go back, finish him off? Oh, and uh, kill anybody who's grieving over his body, wouldja?

as she tried to reply I could tell it was important but I just couldn't hear her she was pouring her whole heart into this sentence and I couldn't hear it why. Why now at the last conversation ill ever have why.

Because you waited until you were dying to tell her how you felt, you dunce. This is why I hate teenagers. They bring this shit upon themselves, and then when they get cockslapped with the consequences of their inaction, all they can do is whine.

As I started to cry my vision started to blacken. Getting darker and darker till all that was left was a spec of light which disappeared a second after

God: HA! Thought you were going to Heaven for a minute, didn't you? Well, tough titty, kid. There's a special circle of Hell reserved for anime characters who displease Me. I made it with Shinji Ikari in mind.

was I dead? was this the end? Humph I guess it is but if so why would haruhi let me die I mean she is god after all and I was always being told that I meant to much to haruhi

seconds later I heard noises and voices

Terrorist 2: Well, what do you know. Still alive.

Terrorist 3: Good thing he screamed that silly love confession. Otherwise, I'd never have known.

Terrorist 2: It looks like he would have lived too. That shot was completely non-fatal. Missed all the major organs and everything.

Terrorist 3: Wow kid, you must feel really goddamn stupid right now. Oh well; no use dwelling on the past. *BLAM*

I tried to make them out there was a siren no wait there where a few and a man shouting over others "quick we have a survivor we need to get him to hospital A.S.A.P"

the siren got louder and louder then soon there was a screeching noise and doors opening and then wheels on a rough floor why was I hearing these sounds

"quick we need help over here"

Paramedic: Oh, thank our various Shinto gods that you're alright! Can you hear me? Do you understand what I'm saying?

Yuki: I am grateful for my infertility. Woe be upon any child so conceived.

"rite who's this"

"17 year old male 5'9" "

"has a gun shot wound to his lower abdomen and suffered Savior loss of blood"

It's a good thing the hospital sent their B-team paramedics to the scene of a violent and bloody school shooting. Kyon's life is in good hands for sure.

"rite we need to get him into theater to extract the bullet then stitch him up and replace the blood"

SOP for situations like this is to duck into a theater showing Ichi the Killer so that the paramedics can use the vivisection scenes as a reference for the surgery.

…

….

…...

…...

$$$$$$$$$%&&&&&&&&&&&((*&$@@@#$!!@@@@@@@@

See, I can play the unnecessary punctuation game too.

"he should be waking up soon why dont you wait in hear till he wakes up"

"ok thank you" "kyon please if you can hear me wake up soon I need you"

Haruhi: Who else is going to cock-block me whenever I want to rape Mikuru? Actually, on second thought, I guess I don't really need you. Ta~!

as she finished her sentence I tried to open my eyes but it wasn't working why why wasn't it working come on wake up, wake up you idiot I soon found myself wide awake with haruhi cuddling me gently so that I didn't get hurt any more soon she woke up when I began to stroke her hair

Remember: The only way to wake up from a coma is to scream at yourself. If you haven't woken up yet, you aren't screaming loud enough.

"kyon"

I looked at her blankly waiting for her to answer me

"how did you get like that and why did you lock me in a room then give me the key"

I guess the gunshots, blood and corpses weren't enough of a tip-off for poor Haruhi.

"haruhi I dont know where to begin but ill start with why I locked you in a room its because I knew what they'd do to you if they seen you" I said with a slight bit of fear

They'd put a gun on the ground and stand there staring blankly at her.

"who, the people that shot you" she asked In a scared way

"yes I couldn't risk what they'd do to you when I could easily solve it by sacrificing my self"

Actually, Kyon, you'd probably have been able to solve the situation by hiding in the room with Haruhi. Nobody would have been shot, and the story would have been over in like six seconds. Plus, the isolation and the danger makes a good set-up for a lemon. Who hasn't had Impending Death Sex before?

"how could you do that to yourself...for me" she said with a embarrassed look

"what do you mean for you that's ridiculous I'd do it a hundred more times and even more just to keep you safe" I said with all my heart

You don't have to be an idiot to be romantic, Kyon.

"why. Why be so stupid to waste your life like that its..."as she was about to finish I kissed her

There's no indication of how long Kyon's been laying there, so I'm going to assume it's been just long enough for his mouth to taste like a pet cemetery.

as I stopped for a second to catch my breath I turned to her

"haruhi... you talk to much"

And in a fanfic that practically runs on canon rape, we get a surprisingly down-to-earth and realistic character assessment to cap it all off. Does that make up for the rest of the story's stunningly low quality?

No. No it doesn't. And now I just feel empty inside.

******

You know, as stellar a fanfic as that was, it left a number of questions unanswered, questions which I now find myself mulling over.

First of all, what happened with the team of baseball players who assaulted Haruhi? This plot point was mentioned, but was dropped almost as quickly as it came up. Was that why Haruhi was so deferential to Kyon when he interrupted her upon her entrance into the club room? If so, why wasn't it brought up at the start of the story? In fact, that sounds like a marginally better story idea than "terrorists shoot up the school for some reason with a self-firing machine gun." Why not make the story about that?

And second, why did the terrorists attack in the first place? Their motivation was "money," which implies that they were being payed to. Who hired them? Why would they be hired? Were they agents of the unstable faction of the Integrated Data Entity who wanted to provoke Haruhi? And if so, were they paid to specifically target Kyon? Or did they act on their own accord? If so, what material of value could there be at the school? The computers, perhaps, but why attack in broad daylight when there are certain to be students everywhere on campus and where quick reaction by the police is a certainty? They didn't bother taking hostages, and the crisis seems to have been resolved fairly quickly. Where did they get their advanced, self-firing machine gun when firearms are specifically prohibited in Japan? Why did they only have one between the three of them?

Lastly, where was Yuki Nagato when all this was going on? Shouldn't she have gotten off of her cute little ass and done something about the sudden incursion by armed terrorists? She can do backflips and survive being messily impaled by impromptu javelins, but she can't, like, suck the bad guys into another dimension to save Kyon? Kyon, who it is strongly implied that she is in love with?

Saying that this story is full of plotholes is inaccurate; rather, it is one gigantic, magnificent plothole from which there is no return. I surely hope that everybody who reads this takes some small comfort in knowing that "thepenmeetspaper" has not published a single story since this one, no doubt out of shame from the realization that what she has written makes the angels cry tearz of blod.

What a night this has been, huh?

[Lizard-Man]

In all fairness at least Haruhi wasn't an unfeeling god powered bitch. Well not as much as she usually it from what I hear.

Everything else though was shiiiiiit.

[xoxjoanxox]

What is this I don't even-

All I can say is that at least the author didn't take Haruhi's flaws and run with it like a child with scissors.

This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: May 5 2011, 04:54 PM

[Kinomoto Sei]

Somebody actually wrote this. That is the one thing I can't get over. This is the most boring piece of crap that I've ever read. How many plotholes will this thing have by the end?

Your mocking is brilliant, by the way. The only reason that I haven't commented on your Sailor Moon Legend of Zelda mock yet is because I'm not quite caught up. It's a very good read, though.

[The Chosen]

Boring?! This is the most riveting tale I've ever read! I was on the edge of my seat wondering what would happen next!

</sarcasm>

[Moose]

So... the baddies shoot Kyon, leave, and just hope he dies horribly?
Wow.

But Al, your mocks never disappoint!

[Kuramastrass]

Their motivation was "money," which implies that they were being payed to.

Payed, Al? Really?

[Lizard-Man]

That's how they spell it in the hood.