Shattered Kingdom, Broken Hearts, Now with more Half human/wolves and MCR. Options

[Moose]

Okay, so I've been wanting to mock fics for a couple of years now, so I decided to do some digging on ff.net, everyone's bestest friend when it comes to fanfics! Or something. I came across this, uh, beauty. Yeah.

Anyway, here is my very first mock. My stuff is in bold. So let us commence!

--

love at first sigt

Hello audience. My name is Elizabeth Sakura Sasook. I am a half wolf-half person

What? No, really. WHAT?

and I have grey flowing hair. My large eyes are a bright sky blue and they sparkle with happines, But underneath my radiant smile and glowing orbs, a sorrowful past lies.

I live in Twilight Town, with my abusive stepmother.

Because what's an OC without something in their life to angst about, am I right?

I think that it is a beautiful town full of life and charm. I am best friends with Seifer and his gang. We constantly rob convenience stores,

but have somehow never gotten caught.

What kind of shitty police force does Twilight Town have to not notice a huge string of robberies? Twilight Town really isn't THAT big of a place!

but don't tell the police because I don't want to go to jail with Gerard Way and Frank Iero.

Please don't tell me this is going where I think it will.

One day I was grabbing chips from a shelf, and seifer was watching. Suddenly Axel jumped out of a portal! AND HE WAS HOT! He swaggered up to me and said, "hey baby."

"Hey," I replied sweetly.

If some random guy jumped out a portal and started to sweet talk me, I don't think "hey" would be my first response. I think my first response would be laughing awkwardly and then inching away.

Also, why is he there, and how come Seifer just stands there like an idiot?

His fire engine red hair made him look likeTobuscus




I'm really not seeing it.


and his greygreen eyes reminded me of sparkling coalsthe bright colors of Spring. His voice sounded like Puck's from Glee. His complexion remind me of sherbet ice cream with sprinkles on top.

ALL OF A SUDDEN another hot guy came. He had butterscotch coloured hair and deep blue eyes. He looked a bit like Chris Martin. (AN: MI FRIEND AND ME LUV HIM). "Hi my name is Sora" he said.

Sora? Looking like Chris Martin? Hmm...




OH NOW I SEE IT! Not really.
Is this her way of trying to make it feel like we're in the story? Because I'm not feeling it. I've never had a hot guy come out of nowhere ALL OF A SUDDEN.


I was torn. I was so in love with Axel, but Sora was dreamy too. And I couldn't betray my boyfriend Frank Iero. But yesterday he said that he was gay.


Let me guess... With Gerard? Because people just LOVE putting those two together.

I was hoping beyond hope that this would not include My Chemical Romance, but alas.

I turned, looking from axel to sora, back to axel, back to sora!

Eventually I made my choice.

I choose… you, Pikachu!


(AN LOL CLIFFHANGER!
anyways this is my first fik. i wanted to write one about mcr becuz i luv their new albem.


And unfortunately, I'm pretty sure this is legit. And some people actually love it.

This post has been edited by Moose: Mar 4 2011, 06:05 AM

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Obvious My Immortal ripoff is obvious. But not having any of its charm. Seriously guys, its 2011. Stop making my immortal knockoffs

[Moose]

How did I not notice how similar it was!? Gosh.
But then, I didn't really get too far before deciding that My Immortal just wasn't worth it. But still, now that you mention it... I am a fool for not seeing it.

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Eh its fine. Besides its your first mock

[Moose]

Okay, so I have more of this mock finished up. I realized I never gave chapter names to this, as Soulcatcher pointed out, My Immortal ripoff. I'm going to edit the first post and put in the chapter title.

Although to be honest, the chapter names are stupid and some words in them are very poorly spelled. I'm pretty sure there are only a couple of chapters in which the words are actually all spelled correctly.

Also, since the chapters are mostly less than a page long, I'm probably going to post two of them in one. Seems like a good way of doing it.

So, same as last time, my mock is in bold.

---

the brakup

CHAPPIE 2! OMG!

I think I know that reaction. Like "OMG, how did this story and all of its bad grammar survive on this site?"

AN: Um….. Idk.

I walked back home, thoughts of axel and sora floating through my head. They were both so dreamy, I wanted to wheel them. But I had something to do first...

I got out my iPhone and texted Frank Iero. "Hey we need to talk," I texted him. He replied insantly.
"kk bb. lets talk."

When did Beastboy get involved in this mess of a story?

I felt my heart race.

"im braking up with u, im sorry, i luv u but i luv absel and soar more. "

Frank told me that it was okay because he was cheating on me with Gerard anyways which was totally hot,

Because the first logical feeling of being cheated on would not be heart break, but it would be that of fangirlish squealing. How could I not see this earlier? I learn something new every day!

Then I went home. I was happy becuz I'd finally be albe to wheel soar and axel.

I went to bed and my dreams were filled with images of them 3333333333333333

Ah, yes. The dreaded dreams of 3333333333333333! I have them too sometimes. Usually involves weird ass medical procedures that I don't even want to THINK about.

---

will u love me


AN: CMON GUYS! PLZZZZZ GIVE REVIEWS! PLZ?

You can do what all the cool kids do and refuse to post until you get at least five reviews!

Just then, it started to rain. It got my shirt all wet so it was kinda see-through and you could see my lacy pink underwear.

Which she was apparently wearing under her shirt

Axle walked by and said "you look beutiful"
i blushed and looked up, he was wearing a sexy purple tuxedo and his blood red hair was slicked back. "AXEL!" I cried, " i thought you'd never come" "theres a ball in the castle that never was today" he said, "wanna come?"

Because forget trying to gather hearts so they can be full again; why not waste precious time and have a quick, crappily put together ball in an attempt to throw together our heroine and Axel!

"Yes!" I exclaimed. "But I really don't have anything to wear..." my stepmother didn't let me wear clothes like all of the other girls.

Instead, she made me walk around naked!

She never truely loved me, she always favouried my sister Mary instead. I remembered all of the nights she had hit me...tears welled up in my eyes. "Whats wrong?" Axel asked.
"Nothing," I whispered. I could never tell him about my past. He wouldn't love me anymore. Everyone who knew my past...stayed away.

CRAAAAAWWWWLLIIIIIINNG IIIIIN MY SKIIIIIIN!

I know it's terribly overused, but so is this SUPER SECRET past plot

I went inside and put on my only other outfit. It was a maid dress with bows all over it. I put on the headband with cat ears and I looked just like Azu-nyan from Keion!
I walked through the portal with ale and found myself

incredibly intoxicated.


in a fancy ballroom, the floor was porcelain white and shiny, and there were black and white curtains on the walls, a bunch of people dressed in black zippered robes like axel

I thought Axel was wearing a sexy purple tuxedo before. When and why did he change? This is the least formal ball EVER!

were there dancing, and MCR was on a balcony playing live!And he was singing a duet with J Biebz!

Because when I think of My Chemical Romance, I automatically think they would be the perfect group to perform with Bieber.

My heart sanke when I saw frank, he must have been so upset from last night! But then I turned around and saw Sora! "SHE'S MINE!" Sora said. "NO!" Axel said. He got out his keyblade and started to fight him. Then Frank came down and said, "No your both wrong!" and got out a gun and shot Sora. Then he shot Gerard and we left the ball.

But Sora followed us. He was wearing a sexy purple tuxedo.

Is it the same one Axel was wearing near the beginning of the chapter? Because there was kind of a height difference between him and Sora. Also, I thought she said Frank was gay and going out with Gerard, why would he...

You know what? Never mind. Why am I bothering with the logic of a thirteen year old?

"We will fight...for Elizabeth!" I gasped and cried.

For no adequately explained reason other than to stir up drama.

Or at least, the drama it would stir up if she could keep her crack-addled story consistent with any previously written paragraph.

This post has been edited by Moose: Mar 3 2011, 06:40 PM

[JakAttack]

Wow. My Immortal is bad, but there was a sense of charm to it. This just throws everything at you and sits back as you try to piece together what tje flying duck just happened. All I know is that I madly want Elizabeth to be killed by the butler in the end.

Great mock though. I wasn't even half this good with my first mock, and I still struggle to be this good now.

[Moose]

Some more of Shattered Kingdom, Broken Hearts. I'm in bold, as usual.

---

love laced with roses

AN: shout out to "Riku and axel forever they wrote an awesome story so far go red it! .net/s/6731073/1/Kingdom_Hearts_3 (its got the same title as mine lol))

OMG IT'S SO FUNNY THAT TWO STORIES COULD POSSIBLY SHARE A TITLE! IT HAS NEVER EVER HAPPENED WITH ANY KIND OF MOVIE OR SONG EVER!!!111

*coughs* Sorry.

also why did the arcade fire win album of the year it shoulda been mcr. there soooo much better.

Because God hates you, duh.

"You look beautiful tonight baby," Frank said. "Thanks," I replied with a giggle. I had forgotten how beautiful his smile was. "So, how are you and Gee?" I remembered Frank swooning over Gerard's sass but I never had thought much of it until now.

You never thought much about it, even though you yourself admitted he was gay? I mean, I know I should be over it, but why can she not keep anything she has written straight? She has full access of her own story! WHY NOT JUST LOOK THROUGH THEM, THE CHAPTERS ARE NOT THAT LONG!

"Good," Frank said. "But Gerard has been a real bitch lately. He says that he wants to go and take over the world isnt that crazy?" "Yeah," I said. "WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?" said axel! "I'm Frank" said frankBob, "Who are you?" "you're worst nightmare, gto it memorized?" said axel drawing his katana. "are you gonna fight me" said frank?

Said Frank? Is she unsure if it's really him talking?

Also, why are the people in the background all just standing there doing nothing to stop any of this? It's not really even interesting in any way.

" NO. IM GONNA FIGHT BOTH OF YOU!" said sora, swooping in from above.

"NO STOP!" I cried. "DOn't kill him please!" I huged Frank but he teard me free and shot Sora. Sora got up and said "Mickie I need you! D:" Then out of a portal came MICKEY MOUSE! But unlike Absel and Sora and Frank he wasnt very hot why would you think that you sicko.

I don't know, but it WOULD make the story mildly interesting if you did find him so. Disturbing, but interesting.

Or as interesting as it could be if this were written even half way decently.

Axle got out his katana again and said, "youre dead!" Then he killed Micky and ran away. "Axel come back and apologise!" I scramed.

I knelt over mickeys body and sobbed, mickey opeened his eyes for one last second and said: "elizabeth, you are...a...a...you have THE TALENT!" and then he died. I sat there crying and wondering just what he could have ment.

He meant... you know, who cares? You'll probably forget in a couple paragraphs anyway.

i decided to sing my favourite song. "dodododododododdoo subscribe!" I wishpererd to myself through my torrents of tears

Which died at 76.7%, since no one was seeding anymore.

"Oh my god are you ok?" Frank asked micky but he was already dead. Frank picked me up even though hes really short and huged me. "Frank how could i have left you?" i sobed. "im sorry...im so sorry..." Frank comforted me and said, "its okay baby I still love you" "Me too" I said. But then Axel came back and said, "...sorry..." "Good" i said. frank sang a song for micky he sounded like tobuscus!
But sora was still angry at axel and frank and he came back with his keyblade. "IM gonna killl you!" he said hotly. axel and frank took out there wepins and prepared to fight!

AGAIN, WHY IS NO ONE TELLING THEM TO KNOCK THIS STUPID SHIT OFF!?

And how do Axel and Sora survive getting shot, but Mickey gets killed off so quickly? I mean, I know a sword is lethal, but so are guns! AND THEY HAD NO ONE TO HEAL THEM! I just, I just... Hmph!

---

riku

Because who not bastardize one more character, right?


AN: what is an arcadefire? ive been thinking aboutit all day, guyz! SO! plz R + R! I'd relly appreicate some nice reveiws! Also, axel and sora are elizabeth's so HANDS OOF.

I started to walk home. Frank was with me.

After narrowly escaping the previously mentioned battle with Axel and Sora.

Maybe the other people at the ball finally told them to stop, and Sora and Axel are now, uh... sipping tea. Or something.

I hoped that my stepmom wouldnt get mad because she didnt really like frank because shes a homophob. But I think that franks gayness

So is Frank gay or not? Because you are continuously jumping back and forth from him kinda being into Elizabeth, to him being gay.

is raelly hot she will never understand. "Hey Elizabeth whats this?" Frank said. He picked up a really big key and handed it to me.

the key seemed to stick to my hand like it was a part of me. "i dont know" i siad, suddenly riku appeared, and he was JUST AS HOT AS FRANK AXEL AND SORA!

Riiight. Also, let me guess... he appeared OUT OF NOWHERE!

"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?" he said, and he took it from me, but it appeared back in my hand again. "WHY DO YOU HAVE A KEYBLADE?" hE shouted.
"I DONT KNOW WHY I HAVE THIS!" I screamed. Frank put his arm around me and said "DONT HURT HER OR I'LL SHOOT YOU!"

That's not really threatening, seeing as how two thirds of your victims seemed to have no problem getting right back up and issuing death threats.

he took out his gun and shot riku but he deflected the bullets with his elbows.

"YOUR COMING WITH ME" riku said in a mean but somehow really hot voice.

How come out of everything this girl can keep straight, the only thing she doesn't fuck up is that every single important character says something in a "hot voice" at some point or another?

And how does one even say anything in a hot voice, anyway?

Then he grabbed my hand and started to take me away "N-N-NOOOOOOOOO FRANK-KUN!" I yelled, like the Japanese fantard I am. I reached out my hand and he reached out his but we were too slow and rikus portal closed behind us.

And Elizabeth was never seen again.

...

Or at least that would happen if I were writing this. But no, there are still fifteen chapters after this, and then whatever x-sparklegurl1997-x decides to put in after that.

As I said, I'm surprised the story hasn't gotten wiped off of the site for its piss poor attempt at spelling.

[JakAttack]

Damnit, I like Tobuscus. WHY MUST FANS RUIN THE BEST THINGS?

Also, the "Do do doo subscribe" thing after Mickey died. Let's try putting that over other situations.

Sit. 1:

"We now sit in silence for the faithfully departed (Name Here)."

"Do do do do do do dooo Subscribe!"

Sit 2:

"You may now kiss the bride."

"Do, do do-do...do, do do do-dooo Subscribe!"

Sit. 3:

(Insert Bambie's Mom's death here)

The next morning...

"Do do do do do do dooo Subscribe!"



Yeah, I don't see that fitting in...

Actually, are you sure this isn't a trollfic?

I mean, it still sucks even as a trollfic, but still.

[Moose]

To be honest, I'm not sure if it's a trollfic or just the horrid writings of a thirteen year old. I say thirteen, because her username is something like "x-sparklegurl1997-x", and the 1997 probably refers to her date of birth.

I mean, the horrible spelling? I've seen some ADULTS that spell that bad. The random... everything? Smells troll-y, but I'm torn, honestly. At thirteen, my stories were horrible and littered with bad original characters, but I was still able to form basic sentences without butchering my spelling and punctuation, so who knows with this girl?

Troll or not, though, I'm probably still gonna continue with the mock. 'Tis fun to do.

[JakAttack]

Yeah, my stories are STILL crap at 14. Practically the only things I have down story-wise are spelling and (arguably) humor. So naturally I love MOCKINg fics, not so much writing them.

Actually, do you mind if I mock this with you next chapter? We're both new (in my case, sort of new), funny (in my case, arguably funny), and have a hatred of bad fanfics (in my case, a burning hatred).

[Moose]

I do not mind at all. Not entirely sure what you mean (mocking together. I probably should know, but I'm in a jumble this week), but it sounds good.
PM me and explain? Don't want the thread to turn spammy. I hear that's bad 'round these parts.

[JakAttack]

K.

[shiroamasa]

What the hell did I read?

[Moose]

This post has been edited by Moose: Mar 5 2011, 07:21 PM

[Moose]

[JakAttack]

The clusterfuck that is the mind of a thirteen year old girl. You know, I GUESS I can't blame her. If I could shift scenes at any second, I probably would.

...

Oh, who am I kidding? No I wouldn't. She needs to calm the fuck down and stick with a consistent plot point.

Anyway, JakAttack will be joining me from now on for this mock. It's like fate, him and I. Except not really, since he's underage.

So, I am in bold, and he is in blue. Also, because it is a joint mock, I'm probably gonna go back to one chapter. So now, let's get this on!

Hey, Jak Attack here!

Okay, so I'm posting this. When Moose tried to post this, it messed up, so I'm trying to post it.

Like She said, it's like fate. Only four more years, and I'll be legal, Moose!

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and get the mental picture I have in my head out. Enjoy the show.

---
will the love stand stog

AN: If your reading this PLZ REVIEW! IT MEANS ALOT 2 ME! PLZ!

Come on, threaten to stop posting unless you get at least five reviews. You know you want to.

And if you want to be a real bastard, make it ten reviews.

Oh yeah, hi there! I'm JakAttack. I'm with Moose on this mock.

Riku said, "where did you get that?" I looked at him and screamed, "WHERES FRANK AND SORA AND AXEL AND VIXEN AND COMET AND CUPID AND DONNARD AND BLITZEN?" "Sora?" Rikku said.

Why is Rikku involved? Shouldn't she be hunting for spheres and wearing next to nothing? And didn't we go over the whole keyblade thing?

OH WAIT, NOW I REMEMBER! SHE HAS THE TALENT! I'm so smart.

"But HOW?" "I LOVE HIM!" I said. "I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!" I started to cry. Riku held Elizabeth in his arms

Wait, what? She just switched from first to third person. Is her name "I", or is she like one of those people that always speak in third person?

and said, "shhh it'll be okay just trust me okay" "okay, I whimpered"

Elizabeth: Why am I speaking like this, I pondered? I sound like I'm in a bad fanfic, I exclaimed, running away as fast as I could to get out.

"so where did you get hte keyblade then?" rikku asked?

Man, why is Riku so damn obsessed with where the hell the keyblade came from? She's already said she has no idea! Which also makes me wonder where in the series this story takes place. Kind of.

" iwas

The iWas! The newest app for iPod touch.

walking with frank and we found it" i replied. It stuck to my hand too... "so i guess mikey was right" riku sad

Patrick: Patrick...SA-A-AAAD!!!

Hey Moose, $20 if you can guess which episode that's from.

If it's Spongebob Squarepants, I have no idea. Haven't watched it in years. Actually, I wouldn't know no matter what it was. *forks over 20 dollars*

to hiimself , there really is another keyblade user.

Well duh, Riku! What's a Kingdom Hearts OC without being able to wield one?

"what does that mean?" I aksed?
"it means...it means..." riku said, then rikku started to sing

So I'm not crazy! Rikku really is involved! Haha, Rikku and Riku, making a tagteam of EVIL! Too bad this girl isn't a good enough writer to make it overly interesting. Also, too bad I know it's just a typo on her part, EVEN THOUGH THE CORRECT SPELLING ISN'T THAT FAR AWAY!

"WHEN I WAS...A YOUNG BOY OF TEN...I HAD A VERY BEST FRIEND...FRED WAS KIND...WITH GOOD INTENT...BUT JUST A LITTLE DIFFERENT, OH, SPECIAL FRED, MOMMA DROPPED HIM ON HIS HEAD, NOW HE'S NOT SO BRIGHT INSTEAD, HE'S JUST A LITTLE BIT SPECIAL...JUST A LITTLE BIT SPECIAL...MY FATHER...TOOK ME INTO THE CITY...TO SEE THE BLACK PARADE. HE SAID SON

I AM DISAPPOINT.

WHEN YOU GROW UP YOU WILL BE THE SAVIOUR OF THE BEATEN, THE BROKEN AND THE DAMNED..."

Tears streamed down my face. His voice was beautiful. "No..." I whispered. "It's okay. I will still love you, despite your past."

Hey, I think this is when she got a beta reader.

Aw, Jak. So cute. You have not read the chapters after this.

all of a suddeen the ground below us began to shake, and a hand reached up out of the ground, followed by another hand, they were gray and lifeless, rotting away.

Now there's zombies? When the hell did that happen?

in a few seconds the body of the zombified gerard way pulled itself out of the ground his flesh was floping off his dead bones and his eyes were red and his skin was grey

Zombies: ALL WE WANNA DO IS EAT YOUR BRAINS...

and he also had vampire teeth.

So how come Sora and Axel come out fresh as a nice Spring breeze, but Gerard turns into a zombie?

Simple; Gerard didn't get as much characterization as the others. Horror movie logic: The least characterized character bites it first. Either him or the black guy.

Even though he was a zombie he was still kind of hot

Okay, what is it with characters getting aroused by dead bodies? It happened with Wander, Kairi in "The horribly bloody death of Kairi", and now this. WHAT THE HELL?!?

but not as sexy as Frank Axel Sora or Rikku. "WHAT IS THAT?" I screamed. I got out my keyblade but Riku stoped me

"No we cant" he cried "or else the band wont continue, he can still play music as a zombie just use ur inner powers to stop him. Look inside yourself Elizabeth, you can change him back."

So she can't kill him because then the band will stop? I do not see what's so wrong with that.

Oh right, because they're TEH BEST BAND EVAR!!!!111

You know what, if they honestly don't want to kill a ZOMBIE because the band won't be able to play, I have NO sympathy for these idiots whatsoever.

Axle turned to me "got it memorized"

Where did he suddenly come from?

Oh, right. A portal... OUT OF NOWHERE, most likely.

What, did Chell loan him her portal gun or something?

[JakAttack]

It posted! Da-dada DAAA!!!

This post has been edited by JakAttack: Mar 5 2011, 07:25 PM

[Moose]

You're the man, man! High-five! Right here!

[JakAttack]

Yeah! *misses, High-fives own's face*

...Ow...

[Soren Highwind]

A My Chemical Romance song? Really, fanfic?