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> LSC Entry: Garden of Eva, This Bites
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Dr. O


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post Feb 2 2011, 04:11 PM
While this isn't my first fanficiton mock, it is the first that I'm actually showing to other people. And it's an Eva fic! How original!

Garden of Eva, for those fortunate enough to have not heard of it, is a really old Evangelion fanfic set in episode 26. It's also divided into three "books": Bites, Sucks, and Blows. No, really, those are the titles. In case you hadn't already guessed, it's a lime/lemon! So not only do those titles accurately describe the content of the story, but they reflect its quality as well.

I'll be doing Book 0: Bites. The fic is in red, since that seems to be popular around here.

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:1 - Reality Bites!
Incidentally, this story is so old that I could only find it as a raw text file, which had apparently been posted to some kind of Usenet board. So not only is this a fanfic mockery, but it's also a time capsule into the late 1990s anime fandom. It's like edutainment, only it makes you feel dirty afterwards!

=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:1 - Reality Bites!

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Why does everybody say this? Do they think that, unless they state otherwise, readers will be under the impression that Hideaki Anno sanctioned the writing of their bizarre sex fantasy? Then again, this is the same show that has inspired people to create Rei fleshlights, so...

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim
Lazar

It's a blast from the past!

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

How delightfully unnecessary.
(Technically speaking, I could just replace the brackets with italics, since in this distant future world of 2011 we have something called text formatting, but I won't since I'm a lazy bastard.)
Also, I really hope that bit about Japanese doesn't mean we'll be seeing honorifics and fanboy Japanese.

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva

Amazingly, that site is still up. Sort of. As a mirror.

=======================================================================
Spoiler warning: This story contains references to episode 26 of the
Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. If you have not seen that episode,
this story may contain spoilers and/or spoiled food. Also, seeing that
episode would be helpful to fully enjoy this story (I was going to say
understanding that episode would be helpful, but I still haven't fully
figured it out myself).


Nobody has.

This story has no connection with any of the
Eva movies (mostly because I have not seen any of the movies).


But you're missing out on so much! Like a recap of the series with five whole frames of new animation! Doesn't that sound exciting?

=======================================================================
Naughty words warning: There be some bad words in this here story.
Rather than bleep them out or tone them down, I'm just warning you.
Live with it.

Oh no, my delicate sensibilities!

=======================================================================
Naked people warning: There be some naked people in this story. Unlike
the Eva anime, they do have nipples and other bits. Of course, you have
to use your imagination to see them anyway.

Thank you for warning us about text-only nudity. In the event that any crops up, I will just imagine that every character is Anna Kournikova. Even Shinji.
Especially Shinji.

=======================================================================
Sex warning: No sex to speak of in this story. Well, some talk of sex,
but no actual sex acts. Well, that depends on your definition of sex
acts, I guess.

This does not bode well, regardless of which definition of "well" you happen to be using.

=======================================================================
Warning warning: There are no more warnings in this story.

That reminds me, I've been meaning to read Without Warning for a while now. Should be a good read.

=======================================================================


"Unit 01, Angel at 9 o'clock."

Oh, hey, has the story finally started? OK, I guess I could just read this, too.

"I've got it. Asuka, take the Angel on your right. I'll take this
new one," Shinji called out. He quickly adjusted his Eva's controls and
his Eva Unit 01 lumbered to engage the new threat.

I recall a distinct lack of Evas and Angels in episode 26. Clearly, the version of Evangelion you watched was much better than mine.

"Who put you in command?!" an angry female voice replied over the
intercom.

Shinji sighed. It was like this every time they piloted the Evas.
"Just do it, you're closer to that one!" Shinji yelled back.

"Jackass," Asuka replied. Then her Eva Unit 02 launched a volley
of high-powered bullets at her target.

Asuka, who had inexplicably recovered from her coma...

"You'd be better off using hand to hand with that Angel," a calm
female voice informed Asuka.

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it!"

And Rei has recovered from... whatever happened to her.

Shinji was wrestling with an Angel that was twice the size of his
Eva. He tried to get his progressive knife into the Angel's core, but
it kept moving around the body to avoid the knife.

All those hours spent with Piccolo shouting at it to dodge had finally paid off.

"Damn it!" Shinji cursed as an explosion rocked his entry plug. He
turned his Eva's head to find the source. It was Unit 00. "Rei!"

"I am undamaged," Rei replied.

You better be. If you were damaged goods, the otaku wouldn't want anything to do with you.

Shinji returned to trying to kill his Angel. He grinned as he
finally found the core with his blade. The Angel exploded underneath
him and sent him flying backward to land on top of Eva Unit 02.

"Get off of me, Shinji!" Asuka called.

"I'm not doing this because I like you!" Shinji screamed back. He
tried to move his Eva off Eva Unit 02, but the Angel Asuka was fighting
had wrapped an elastic arm around both of them.

"Hey look! Shinji and Asuka are doing it!" Touji called out.

Wait, Toji? Why is Toji-

"Pervert! Just fight your own Angel and leave the lovebirds
alone!" Hikari scolded Touji.

Hikari? What? Hikari? What's going on here?

"We are not! Our Eva's are just tangled up!" Asuka insisted.

"Very well, I'll take care of this," Rei said.

Soon, Eva Unit 00 deftly destroyed the Angel holding Units 01 and
02 in their doggy style position.



As the Angel exploded, the three Eva
units were blasted in all directions.

Touji was chasing a glowing Angel through the streets of Tokyo-3
in his Eva Unit 03 and used his Eva's flexible arms to strangle the
glowing Angel in front of him. With a sickening sucking sound, the
Angel's head popped off and a bloody mess fell to the ground. "Cool!"
Touji exclaimed.

I'm... pretty sure that Unit 03 couldn't actually extend it's arms normally, and that's just something the Angel did. But maybe I'm just being pedantic. There are more important things to complain about, like...

"Oh, that's just sick," Hikari said, holding back her lunch. She
then pivoted her Eva Unit 06 quickly to dodge the Angel who was rushing
at her back. With a graceful sweep of her long progressive sword, she
cut the Angel in half. She smirked. Poetry in motion was the best way
to deal with Angels.

Why is Hikari a poet dancer Eva pilot now? Is she some kind of combination of Emily Dickinson and River Tam? Why does she have a progressive sword? What is a progressive sword? Why does Unit 06 exist? Is it one of those winged sock puppet head monsters from End of Eva, or is it something else? Maybe Jim saw Rebuild of Evangelion in the future and this is that Unit 06. If so, he should have warned us that Rebuild 2.0 would be garbage. But he didn't.
What a douchebag.

"Nice form, Hikari," Kensuke called out, just as he used his Eva
Unit 05 to toss an Angel into an energy barrier that the ground forces
had erected nearby. The Angel exploded along with a chorus of song.

Ode to Joy, no doubt.

"Hey! Quit hitting on my babe!" Touji snapped.

Wait a second, did that say Kensuke? What? Why is he here? MY BRAIN HURTS.

"I'm not a babe! You Neanderthal!"

Hikari's so easy, a caveman can do her!

Shinji had gotten his Eva Unit 01 back to it's feet and was
scanning for an Angel to attack. He spotted one advancing on the group
of Evas from his left; he raced off towards it. "Die!" he screamed, as
he grabbed a huge rifle from a nearby ammunition building. He swung the
rifle up and blasted the Angel repeatedly. The Angel's advance was
slowed by his shots, but not stopped.

Doesn't Shinji know that the only things that can kill Angels are progressive knives and giant tuning forks?

Suddenly, Eva Unit 00 was in front of Shinji. It was facing him
and appeared to be grinning, but that couldn't be. Shinji was so
surprised at it's appearance that he didn't even get an arm up to block
the knife that Unit 00 thrust deep into his Eva's head. The knife
sliced through the armor of Unit 01's head and projected out the back.
A dark red liquid oozed out. Shinji saw Unit 00 start to pull his Eva's
arm off just before his controls all went dead and he was left in
darkness.

"Damn it! Why did you do that, Rei?!" Shinji shouted, but got no
response since his systems were all dead.

"Rei, you team-killing fucktard!"

After he had run through every swear word he knew, and some that
he just made up, his entry plug opened up. Shinji crawled out. Rei was
standing over him in her school uniform. Rei grinned and put her hand
on her hips. "That's for looking at my panties after school," Rei said,
then added, "Not to mention on my first day of school, too!!!"

"That was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Yeah, right. Hikari filled me in on you and the rest of the Idiot
Trio," Rei said. "And how in the hell is flipping my skirt up after
school an accident?"

Wait, didn't that happen in an episode of Eva? Except it was Asuka instead of Rei? Except instead of stabbing Shinji in the face, she slapped him and then spent months torturing him both physically and psychologically. Man, teenage girls are vindictive.

"Fine then. If all it cost me was losing a dumb VR game, it was
worth it for a peek at your panties!" Shinji snapped back at Rei,
grinning. "A nice pink lace, with little hearts on them...if I remember
correctly."

Rei blushed. He had gotten a good look at them after all. "That's
the last time you'll ever see them! Pervert!" Rei informed Shinji and
stormed out of the game area.

Provided she's never hospitalized.

Shinji watched her leave, then was joined by Touji and Kensuke.
"Oh yeah...she has the love jones for me," Shinji said.

Love jones? Is that anything like Tom Jones? Because I like Tom Jones.

"She hides it well," Kensuke said, smirking.

"So, Shinji...what was it like to hump Asuka?" Touji asked.

"Huh? Oh...that was nothing."

Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb! You can give it to me when I need to come along!
...
Oh, right, I was reviewing a fanfic. Sorry.

"Tell me about it... I didn't even feel it," Asuka said, as she
walked up behind the Idiot Trio. "But since I have seen you naked it
actually was pretty realistic." She smiled at Shinji and made her exit.

Ooh, ice burn.

"Hey! It was cold this morning!" Shinji shouted at her back.

"There was shrinkage!"

"Bitch," he muttered.

We are in perfect agreement, Shinji.

"Okay you three morons! Get out of the game area and we can see
how pitifully you did," Hikari commanded, then herded them out. The
next group of Eva pilots crawled into the game entry plugs.

Wait a minute, Eva is a virtual reality game? What? What did I... what... I... What? What is this? Why would you... What... VR... Eva... What?

-E- -V- -A-

They all sat in the food court at the shopping center where the
Evangelion game center was. "That was a fun game, until Rei killed me,"
Shinji remarked, glaring at Rei.

Rei stuck her tongue out at Shinji, then leaned in to take a sip
of her drink. She winced in pain as the straw jabbed into her still
extended tongue. She gasped, then rubbed her hurt tongue.

Someone's out of character here, but I can't quite put my finger on it.

The gang all started to chuckle. "Hey, Shinji! Why don't you kiss
Rei's tongue to make it feel better!" Touji said, pushing Shinji closer
to Rei.

"Hey! Cut that out!" Shinji exclaimed, taking a lingering look at
Rei.

"If only those Eva units were real. It'd be really cool to pilot
them," Kensuke said, examining a schematic book of the game Evas.

Lolirony.

"I guess, but Shinji would want his to be anatomically correct,"
Asuka remarked.

Shinji Ikari: mecha fetishist extraordinaire.

"I already said that was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Shinji loves Asuka. Shinji loves Asuka!" Touji and Kensuke
taunted.

"Cut that out!" Shinji yelled.

Are they in grade school or something?

Ignoring the three stooges, Hikari examined their scorecards.
"Looks like Rei beat us all on points scored."

"How the fuck did she do that?" Asuka screamed, jumping to her
feet and pounding the table.

"Well, she got a big bonus for killing Shinji," Hikari explained,
pointing to the scorecard.

It's an unlockable achievement, along with "being a jailbait sex object marketed to millions of desperate nerds" and "transforming into the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and destroying the world."

"Well, that's easy enough to emulate," Asuka remarked, grinning at
Shinji.

"Damn. No fair ganging up on me! Asuka, you're just mad because
you're not number one anymore!" Shinji exclaimed.

"Yoo ah numbah wan!"

"Well, we'll see how 'Wondergirl' does in tomorrow's game."

"Tomorrow?" Rei asked.

"Well, can't beat me and then not give me a rematch. Can you?"
Asuka asked, then smiled at Rei.

"You're on, Asuka," Rei replied, then added, "We can take turns
killing Shinji."

Shinji grew pale.

The thought of not playing had never occurred to him.

Kensuke looked up from the blueprints, adjusted his glasses, and
said, "Maybe I'll use Unit 01 tomorrow. It seems to respond a little
quicker than the later models.

Shinji yelled, "No! I always use Unit 01!"

"He's so set in his ways, isn't he?" Rei asked Asuka.

"Yeah, but if you hit him hard enough he bends," Asuka quipped.
Asuka slurped down some sort of gelatinous food, then asked, "Rei...how
did you know about Unit 00, anyway? It's not listed in any of the Eva
books."

Huh?

"Oh...I used to play Eva down in Osaka-2. One of the Eva-heads
down there discovered the secret prototype Eva in the program," Rei
explained, awkwardly.

"Is that how you found out how to override the lockout on killing
your teammates?" Touji asked.

"Yup. Just wait till you see what I show you tomorrow," Rei said,
smiling knowingly.

Why is Rei a l33t h4x0r? What's the point? What does this even have to do with Eva? Was this the best they could do in 1999?

-E- -V- -A-

The gang walked home from the mall, Rei and Hikari brought up the
rear. "So...is Asuka really Shinji's girlfriend?" Rei asked Hikari,
softly.

Hikari replied, "Not that I know of. They just grew up together."

IfyouknowwhatImean.

Upon hearing this, a small smile crossed Rei's face. She looked at
all of the cute butts in front of her as she walked. She wore a large
smile by the time she got home.

Wait, all of them? Does that include Hikari? When did Rei become bisexual?
This fic raises too many questions. It's like Socrates snorted a bunch of crack and then watched anime. And also instead of a famous philosopher he was some guy named Jim who wouldn't allow his sparse writing talent to deter him from making Eva porn.

"I'm home!" Rei called out as she walked in her front door.

"Welcome home, Sis!" Ritsuko replied. "Mom's still at her new job,
so it's microwave lasagna again."

Rei and Ritsuko are sisters?

"Can't you just nuke a different instant meal for once, Big
sister?" Rei called back, as she pulled her school uniform off.

No, really, why are they sisters?

"No," Ritsuko replied, poking her head into Rei's room. "How was
your first week at the new school?"

"Not bad. I met some kids...they are a little strange, but
nice...I guess," Rei said.

Hey! Fanfic! I asked you a question!

"Any cute boys?"

"Err...maybe," Rei replied, blushing.

Ritsuko smiled. "What's his name?"

STOP IGNORING ME!

"No, it's not that...honestly," Rei insisted.

"Right," Ritsuko replied, unconvinced. "What did you do after
school?"

"Me and the gang went and played Neon Genesis Evangelion at the
mall."

Ritsuko raised an eyebrow and smiled. "Already 'The Gang', huh?
Did you tell them that your mother designed that game and you probably
have more hours in the entry plug than anyone else in the world?"

Wait a minute... If Ritsuko and Rei are sisters, who's their mother?

"No, it didn't come up." Rei grinned, mischievously.

-E- -V- -A-

"I'm home!" Shinji called as he walked into his family's
apartment.

"Welcome home, Shinji!" his mom called back.

Shinji tossed his books into his room, went to the kitchen, and
rummaged through the refrigerator.

"Shinji, don't spoil your appetite. Dinner is in an hour," his
mother informed him.

"Okay, Mom," Shinji replied, but kept looking through the
refrigerator. "Nag, nag, nag," he muttered, as he pulled out a can of
soda out and a leftover pork bun.

He inhaled the pork bun, then thought that he should have nuked it
first.

By 2015, Japan has apparently gotten over the trauma of Hiroshima and Nagasaki and turned its technological prowess toward perfecting the culinary application of nuclear devices.

He chugged down the soda on his way to the bathroom. He washed
up and then sank his body into the tub.

He sat silently with his eyes closed.

"Is this really the world you want?" a female voice said.

Shinji opened his eyes and saw Rei standing over him. Naked.

For Shinji, it was the first time he had ever seen a naked woman outside of pornographic comic books.
For Rei, it was Tuesday.

"Rei!" Shinji gasped, then tried to cover himself. Then he
realized that he wasn't in the bathroom anymore, although he was still
naked. "What's going on?" he asked, as he rose to his feet and scanned
the large empty theater he found himself in.

"Your world isn't perfect," another female voice said, behind him.

Shinji looked back at Asuka, who was also naked. She hadn't been
there when he looked around the room a few seconds earlier. "Asuka?
But...my mom is alive and I don't have to see my friends die and don't
have to pilot a real Eva and I don't have to kill and even my dad seems
human. It seems perfect to me."

Aside from Asuka still mocking him and Rei teamkilling him. And also why the fuck are Hikari and Kensuke pilots?

Rei said softly, "There is no perfect world. You created this
world with what you considered a set of perfect conditions."

"But after that initial starting point everything will start
changing as people interact with each other," Misato said, from
Shinji's left.

Rei added, "No person is an island."

It's true. I'm more of an isthmus.
That's a funny word... isthmus...

Shinji looked at Misato and wasn't too surprised that she was also
naked. "Seems okay to me so far."

"But, it's not real," Asuka said.

Misato's breasts are fake? I've been lied to all these years!

"Reality bites! I'll take this...no...I'll take *MY* world any
day!" Shinji exclaimed.

Oh, hey, and there's a title drop.

All three of the women faded out saying, "We'll see."

Shinji awoke from the dream he was having about the new girl. "Rei
has a naughty side, apparently." He grinned, as he remembered the
whipped cream all over her body.

Wait, did he just forget about that little visit from the Ghosts of Fanservice Past, Present, and Future?

"Shinji, dinner!" his mom called from outside the bathroom.

"Coming!" Shinji replied, then got up and dressed.

THESE ARE NOT LITTLE DETAILS, FIC! I WOULD APPRECIATE AN ANSWER!

[End - Garden of EVA 0:1]

Oh, wait, it's over.

=======================================================================
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Virtual Reality Experience Simulator (VRES)
Evangelion Unit Data

Oh crap there's more.

Eva Unit 00 - Prototype/Modified Model
(disabled on commercial game systems)
Color: Blue
Design date: June 16, 2014
Eye configuration: One
Armor: Dual-polymer titanium (38 metric tons)

38 tons seems a little low, all things considered.

Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knives in shoulder holsters
Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, and 3 manual weapons

What is a type 1 manual weapon? Or a type 2? Or type 3? Would you mind telling us what any of this means, or why we're supposed to care? Maybe some context? No? OK, fine, go on.

AT field generator power: 135x2

Funny, but I don't recall the show ever quantifying the strength of AT Fields beyond "Kaworu's is really, really strong, but Rei's is strongerer."

Response time delay: 30 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage

What is average usage? Is it standing still, or walking, or what? You can't expect us to know what you mean just because you threw a number out there.

Special equipment: Mono sighting scope, for long range
targeting
Invincible mode for debugging purposes

Oh well, at least it's ove-

Eva Unit 01 - Testtype/Modified Model

Oh fuck me.

Color: Purple
Design date: July 12, 2014
Eye configuration: Two
Armor: Dual-polymer titanium (44 metric tons)
Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters
(1) Head horn can be removed and used as
sword or spear

What? What would make you think that? What are you basing that on? I AM BEGINNING TO DOUBT THE VERISIMILITUDE OF THIS STORY.

Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, and 3 manual weapons
AT field generator power: 145x2

By 2? By 2 what? What are you basing that number on? Why do I care?

Response time delay: 21 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage
Special equipment: Invincible mode for debugging purposes
(disabled on commercial game systems)

Hey, how about that thing where it goes crazy and fillets Angels with its AT Field and then eats them so it can absorb their infinite energy organ? Because that's a cool trick that I think warrants a mention, at least more so than meaningless technical jargon that wouldn't be out of place in an episode of Star Trek.

Eva Unit 02 - Production Model
Color: Red
Design date: September 1, 2014
Eye configuration: Four
Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (48 metric tons)
Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters
Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, 3, and 4 manual weapons
AT field generator power: 130x2

What is a type 4 manual weapon? Is 130x2 good? Are those numbers better than the other Evas' numbers? It's a newer model, so I'd think so, but they're also smaller. Is this like golf? Are small numbers good?
Are you a tabletop RPG player, Jim? Do you just want to see Unit 01's numbers fight Unit 02's numbers? Because I think that would be better than more jokes about giant robots humping.

Response time delay: 42 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage
Special equipment: Two mouths with razor sharp fangs
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

How is this not over yet?


In the beginning, there was darkness. Then the author pressed the
fast-forward button on his remote control and fast-forwarding past the
devilish commercials at the beginning of the thirteenth Neon Genesis
Evangelion videotape. And the author beheld what the creators were
working up to for the past 24 episodes.

Gainax employee: OH SHIT WE RAN OUT OF MONEY!
Anno: It's cool, dude. I got it covered.
Gainax employee: Really? You got someone to pay for the last two episodes?
Anno: No, better.
Gainax employee: Are... are those storyboards? And marker doodles?
Anno: I made them myself.
Gainax employee: That's, like, two minutes of content. Tops. There's no way you can show that on national TV and not get laughed at.
Anno: Actually, they'l praise me as an artistic genius who was planning it from the start. Now where are my hookers?
Gainax employee: You mean that callgirl you hired?
Anno: No! Once they're dead they're just hookers!

And the author was confused. Therefore, the author watched the tape
once again. And, alas, the author was still confused.

However, on the third viewing the author latched onto a brief
five-minute piece of inspiration. The author tried to sleep as an idea
for a twisted fanfic floated in his head.

The next morning, the author mumbled something about why didn't they
end the story with the alternate world. He then realized that would
have been a major cop out on the creators' part. Then with a burst of
light and angelic music, he realized that what was fanfic authors were
for. To cop out. Or cop a feel.

AHAHAHAHAHAPLEASEKILLME!

Divinely inspired, our noble and handsome fanfic author put data to
disk. He composed a short 8k story based on the aforementioned five
minutes of episode 26. A scant hour and a half later, the story was
sent to the FFML. The author jumped in his jeep and drove to the coast
to get some sun.

Two sunburned legs later, the author returned to find his holy mailbox
was full.

And it was good.

I beg to differ.

But how to expand on this story, for it had no angst. It was a
14-year-old boy's perfect world. The author pondered for two sunsets
and two more viewings, then arrived at the solution.

Our saintly author put more data to disk and rewrote the story to
provide for more action, more bad language, more nudity, and tossed in
a dream that set the tone for the series. Angst this.

The pre-readers and FFML agreed. Mostly.

And thus a new series joined the busy author's masterpiece, Childhood
of a Modern Dynasty. <--blatant plug.

And it was good. <--blatant ego trip

And then the author changed the title of the series from 'Reality
Bites' to 'Garden of EVA'.

This Bites.

It sure does.

No, that is the name of the next part. This part is called Reality
Bites.

Stop before your ramblings are larger than the story.

Yes, Rei.

Huh? Does this guy have multiple personality disorder? What's going on here?

-E- -V- -A-

Unlike my big series, Childhood of a Modern Dynasty, this one isn't as
tightly plotted, but I do have an mental image of where this series
will lead. I just don't know how long it'll take me to get there and
how many parts it will be (much the same as CMD). This series will be
in small parts (between 15k and 20k). I can't handle another big series
of 60k to 100k chapters right now. Besides, the small parts for this
series seems to work well (of course I've only done two parts as of
this writing, so who knows). The up side is that I'll probably have
more parts in a shorter time span.

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!

Sorry (sort of) about the language in this series, but it is keeping
with the five minute alternate world Shinji envisioned in episode 26.
Considering that world is based on a 14-year-olds idea of an ideal
world, it's understandable they would all have potty mouths and raging
hormones.

The specifications for the game Evas are similar to the real Evas, but
not exactly the same. More specifications will appear in the next part.

No! They really aren't the same! You are an idiot!

I'd like to thank all the FFML members who commented on the rough
drafts and also my pre-readers: Ryan Erik, David Johnson, Nlson31, and
Antookis. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are
my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft/FFML feedback piece (July 11, 1998)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader/FFML draft
(highly revised from initial piece)
Revision 0.2 - Final draft
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (July 23, 1998)

Finally it's over why did I do that shit there are eight more chapters.
I... I need to lie down.

This post has been edited by Dr. O: Feb 12 2011, 02:58 PM


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Post #2
Dr. O


witch doctor
********

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post Feb 3 2011, 07:25 PM
Back with chapter 2 of Garden of Eva: This Bites!


[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:2 - This Bites!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:2 - This Bites!

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim
Lazar

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

I'll pass.

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================

I really hope he didn't copy the whole disclaimer from the first part. Because that would be unnecessary and stupid.

Spoiler warning: This story contains references to episode 26 of the
Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. If you have not seen that episode,
this story may contain spoilers and/or spoiled food. Also, seeing that
episode would be helpful to fully enjoy this story (I was going to say
understanding that episode would be helpful, but I still haven't fully
figured it out myself). This story has no connection with any of the
Eva movies (mostly because I have not seen any of the movies).

He did.

=======================================================================
Naughty words warning: There be some bad words in this here story.
Rather than bleep them out or tone them down, I'm just warning you.
Live with it.
=======================================================================
Toilet humor warning: There is a scene in a toilet in this story.


Wait... in a toilet? What? We're not even past the disclaimer and I already have no idea what's going on.

=======================================================================
Naked people warning: There be some naked people in this story. Unlike
the Eva anime, they do have nipples and other bits. Of course, you have
to use your imagination to see them anyway.
=======================================================================
Sex warning: No sex to speak of in this story. Well, some talk of sex,
but no actual sex acts. Well, that depends on your definition of sex
acts, I guess.
=======================================================================
Warning warning: There are no more warnings in this story.
=======================================================================

That's not getting any funnier with repetition.

Rei lay naked on top of Shinji.

I see we're skipping all pretenses this time and getting right to the smut.

Asuka lay naked underneath Shinji.

Shinji sandwich.

Is that anything like a Jill sandwich?

Shinji was very happy.

Until Shinji woke up.

Even in his dreams, Shinji can't get any.

"Stop pointing that twig at me!"

"Uh?" Shinji muttered. He opened his eyes only to be greeted by a
scowl from Asuka. "If you don't want to see my mighty oak, quit pulling
my sheets off!"

Master of machines and of the birds and the bees / My level has robotic ostriches, bats, and big monkeys!

"As your oldest and dearest friend, it is my duty to make sure you
get to school on time!" Asuka said, trying to sound noble. Since she
was still staring at the aforementioned twig, her motives were suspect.

"Oldest...maybe. Dearest? That's a laugh," Shinji muttered, as he
dragged himself out of bed and to the toilet.

"Hurry up already!" Asuka screamed from outside.

Shinji sat on the toilet and relieved himself, trying to figure
out why his parents kept letting Asuka into the apartment to abuse him
every morning.

Maybe Gendo just hates you. Or he's trying to man you up one way or the other.

Asuka poked her head in the little toilet room and screamed, "Come
on already!"

Shinji slipped off the toilet when Asuka's head appeared. "Asuka!
Get the hell out of here! You damn sicko!" he yelled, as his bladder
emptied down his leg.

Why is this scene necessary? I mean, I know there are people who dismiss the ideas and stuff in Eva as shallow pretentiousness (no-one like that on Project AFTER, amirite), but I don't think that means you should go to the opposite extreme and write a fanfic where Asuka stares at Shinji's dick and then Shinji pisses himself. That's just uncalled for.

"Well, hurry up then!" Asuka turned and left the room.

Shinji decided he had to get some door locks on the way home from
school. "Jeezzzzz, she keeps sneaking peeks at me, but won't show me
anything of hers. What a god-damned tease!"

Shinji, if you ever want advice about women, just ask this guy:


"I heard that!"

-E- -V- -A-

"Bye, Mom! Bye, Dad!" Shinji called out as he ran out the door
after taking a quick shower.

"Bye, dear!" Shinji's Mom, Yui, called back.

His father just grunted as he flipped the page in the newspaper he
was reading.

"Stocks are up, the Steelers won the game, Tokyo was destroyed by giant alien monsters, and Family Circus still isn't funny."

"Well, I'm glad Asuka is so friendly with Shinji," Yui commented,
totally ignoring the fact that Asuka routinely hit Shinji.

Gendou grunted again and said, "Is that so?"

"Do you think we should tell him?"

Gendou grunted again and said, "No, dear. Not yet."

"Would you like to go to the bedroom, dear?"

"Shinji's a lost cause. I think we should cut our losses and try for another."

Gendou grunted. "Yes, dear," he said, turning to the next page of
his newspaper.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei waited at the corner.

Rei peeked around the corner.

Rei waited at the corner some more.

Rei swallowed the toast she was chewing on.

Rei sold sea shells at the sea shore.

The author wrote short, boring sentences.

Rei returned to the corner, peeked around it, and waited some
more.

Rei looked around the corner and saw the object of her desire.

See Rei.
See Rei stalk.
Stalk Rei stalk.

Rei backed up and then ran around the corner very fast. She piled
into another person and rebounded. She ended up dazed on the sidewalk,
her legs spread wide. "Hey!!" she shouted.

The quick, redheaded Asuka jumped over the lazy, fallen Shinji on
the sidewalk.

"Blue today...nice," Shinji commented, taking a lingering look up
Rei's dress.

I didn't know it was possible to rip off something that didn't exist at the time of writing, but this just sounds like a rejected Dokuro-chan episode. I mean, all it needs is for Rei to bludgeon Shinji to death a couple times and we're there.

"Shinji! You did that on purpose! You pervert!" Rei screamed, and
closed her legs.

"Nawww. Shinji's too stupid to think of setting up a quote
ACCIDENT un-quote, like this one."

But did she do the finger quotes thing? These details are important.

"Yeah!" Shinji quickly agreed with Asuka. Then he realized what he
just agreed to. "Hey!"

Rei and Asuka both grinned. They turned and headed towards school.

"Girls!" Shinji cursed and followed behind them, enjoying the rear
view as he walked to school.

I think I'm beginning to understand why he fell for Kaworu.

-E- -V- -A-

"So, Shinji, what color today?" Touji quietly asked Shinji before
class began.

"Blue," Shinji replied, loudly.

"Pervert!" Rei yelled across the room.

"Shinji, is there something you want to share with the class?"
Sensei Misato asked, adjusting her low-cut dress. The jaws of every boy
and one girl in the classroom dropped to the floor with an Earth
shattering crash. Third Impact had occurred, but everyone who saw the
quick flash of Misato's nipple weren't complaining.

You could say Third Impact happened in their pants.

Misato blushed, then spun her chair around quickly and adjusted
her dress again, this time without exposing herself to the class.
<Maybe I should start wearing a bra? Nawwww, I'd never get the
little walking hormones attention if I did that,> she thought.

Misato Kay Letourneau?

"No! He doesn't!" Rei replied.

"Awww. Well then...time to get to work," Misato said, sadly. She
got up and walked to the board. The eye's of every boy and one girl in
the classroom followed her every move, hoping for another peek.

Which girl? Shinji? Look, Jim, I know he's not what you'd call manly, but cut the guy some slack.

Shinji whispered something to Touji and soon all the boys were
passing the information around.

"Now then. Second Impact. In the early days of the new millennium
a huge asteroid impacted in Antarctica," Sensei Misato began her
lecture for today. Her mind was still thinking about the all night romp
she had with her boyfriend last night. She tapped the board in the
front of the room and it lit up displaying a map of the world. A label
near the top read, 'Earth: pre-Second Impact: 1999 A.D.'.

But... but why would Second Impact happen in a self-described perfect world? Or does Shinji's idea of perfection involve killing half the human race? Wait, don't answer that question.

The students were talking about the current thread of gossip and
ignoring the lecture completely. Of course, the boys were still looking
at Misato, they just weren't listening to her.

The board changed to display the current world map, low lying
areas were covered by the oceans. "The resulting rise in global sea
levels caused the deaths of half..."

Al Gore was right! Damnit!

"Blue! Damn it! I had black lace in the pool!" one boy exclaimed,
apparently a little to loudly, since Misato turned around and glared at
him.

"Takma, the color of my panties is not a subject to be gossiping
about in class," Misato scolded the geeky little blond boy in the rear.

"Err...um..." Takma stammered.

"What is it?"

"It wasn't your panties we were betting on," Takma shyly admitted.
Spitballs and various pieces of furniture quickly pelted him.

Misato started to tear up. "Not mine?"

"We're sorry, Sensei. Today's pool was about Rei's panties," Takma
muttered, trying to dig himself out of the pile of desks he was under.

"Rei? You wore blue today, too?" Misato asked, smiling.

The whole chapter's going to be like this, isn't it?

Rei tried to hide under her desk.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei stood in the hallway with a bucket in each hand. "You didn't
have to yell it out in class you know!"

Shinji stood in the hall, his buckets were on the floor. "Well,
you shouldn't keep flashing your panties at me then!" Shinji exclaimed,
softly.

Shinji would later go on to perfect the "she was asking for it" line of reasoning, earning him a reputation as the Mohandas Gandhi of sexual deviants.

"Yeah right! What do you want me to do, hand them to you on a
silver platter?!" Rei shouted.

Shinji thought for a moment, then said, "Yeah, that'd be nice."

The door to the classroom opened and Misato poked her head out.
"Will you two horny kids shut up out here! And Shinji...put down those
buckets again and you'll be moved to a different class!"

"You better take this stereotypical Japanese punishment seriously, or I'll make you sharpen my katana!"

Shinji quickly picked up the buckets and bowed his apology to
Misato. No teenage boy in his right mind would want to be transferred
out of Misato's class.

After Misato had returned to the classroom, Shinji whispered to
Rei, "Big mouth."

Rei just fumed. Why couldn't this jerk take a hint.

-E- -V- -A-

Eva Unit 00 took 2.1 seconds to reach Unit 01's position. It took
another .4 seconds for Unit 00 to chop the legs off Eva Unit 01 with
her progressive knife.

Well, that scene transition wasn't abrupt at all!

Rei took the remaining 9 minutes and 57.5 seconds of game time to
slowly dissect Shinji's Eva Unit 01, starting from the bottom.

Few people knew that vivisection was Rei's greatest passion, though in retrospect it was kind of obvious.

Asuka ran by the surgery, picked up one of the severed legs, and
used it to club an Angel into oblivion. "By the wrath of the leg of a
fallen warrior...I smite thee!" she shouted. Then she decided she had
seen too many episodes of 'Shin Seiki Ranma' with that creepy Kuno
cyborg in it.

Shin... Seiki... Ranma? What is this blasphemy?

Hikari used her favorite weapon, a long progressive sword, to
slice her Angel into two halves. She soon found herself facing two
Angels instead of just one. "Oops," she said.

Our good friend Israfel!

Touji used his Unit 03's fists to pound his Angel into submission.
Finally, after he considered it was humiliated enough, he punched the
Angel's core with his fist. The Angel exploded. Unit 03 was thrown on
top of Unit 06.

I like how the generic fight scene gets less descriptive language than Shinji pissing all over himself. You can tell which parts the author decided to lavish his attention on.

"This is not that place for that, Suzahara!" Hikari yelled, then
added softly, "Later, Cutey-pie."

A voice buzzed over the intercom, "Um...we can all hear the
intercom, Hikari." Kensuke smiled as he watched Unit 03 and Unit 06 try
to get out of the tangled mess they had fallen into.

Is Evas getting into compromising positions going to be a recurring theme in this fic? Are they... are they going to have giant robot sex? Would that fall within the rules for the Love Sick contest?

Hikari blushed a deep crimson, as did her Eva Unit 06. Well, the
blush that covered Unit 06 was really just a fire reflecting off the
Eva's white armor.

Evas blushing... Evas. Blushing.
Fuck, I... I don't even know anymore.

Kensuke took his chance to deal with the twin Angels. He used his
Eva Unit 10's jump jets to scale a tall building in a single bound. He
stood on the top of the building and extended the built-in progressive
arm blades from his Eva's arms. He grinned and jumped from the
building. He landed between the two Angels and slashed each one. The
blades sliced neatly through the Angel's cores and they exploded.
Kensuke jetted out of the way to avoid damaging his Eva. "Awesome! I've
got to use this Unit 10 again!"

Apparently, Unit 10 is a mecha version of Wolverine. Somehow, that seems normal by this point.

As Rei cut each piece off Shinji's Eva, his entry plug shook. By
the time the ten-minute game session was over, Shinji was black and
blue. Shinji's entry plug opened and he dragged himself out. "Damn it,
Rei!"

"Payback's a bitch, isn't it?" Rei remarked as she made her way
out of the game area.

"No, you're the bitch!" Shinji shot back at the retreating figure.



Kensuke pushed his glasses up his nose then helped Shinji to his
feet. "Still think she has the love jones for you, Shinji?"

"Well, it's obvious that she is just shy and using the game to get
closer to me," Shinji insisted, as he made his way out of the game
area.

Touji clapped his hand on Kensuke's shoulder and whispered to him,
"Shinji seems think every girl is after him, even the ones who beat him
up."

And going by anime logic, he'd be right!

"Move it! I think I finally scored higher than Asuka and I want to
see the scores!" Hikari shouted and pushed the two boys out of the game
area.

-E- -V- -A-

"First I lose to Wondergirl, then to Miss Bossy. Next I'll be
marrying Shinji," Asuka muttered, crying into her hands. "What kind of
screwed up world is this?"

A world created by Shinji, so... yeah.

Rei patted Asuka's back. "There...there. Using Shinji's leg as a
weapon may have looked awesome, but it was hardly going to rack up the
points. I'll give you some pointers for tomorrow's game."

"Thanks, Rei," Asuka replied, looking up.

"Can't have you ruining your life by marring Shinji, can we?" Rei
insisted, smiling.

It may seem like she's trying to keep Asuka away from Shinji for her own benefit, but she's really being completely serious here.

"Thanks, Rei."

"This bites," Shinji muttered.

Yes, I know. You can stop reminding me.

"I thought you said reality bites?" a calm voice said from behind
Shinji.

Shinji looked around and found himself staring at a naked Misato.
He gasped. Then he looked around the large theater he was now in.

"Oh, so this is your second job, Misato!"

"Well, the Rei I envisioned wasn't that mean."

"What kind of Rei did you envision?" Rei asked.

Shinji looked at the naked Rei and replied, "Well...like you, but
more emotional."

"Isn't that what you got?" Asuka remarked.

"Err...well...she's more like you now, Asuka."

"And why do you think that is, moron?" Asuka snapped.

Because the author couldn't be bothered creating interesting characterizations for these bastardized versions of the Eva cast?

"They both love me?"

Misato placed her hand on Shinji's shoulder. "You're delusional."

Asuka said, "First you wanted to escape reality, now you are
trying to return to it."

"No...well..."

"Choose."

"Make a decision."

"Any decision."

You people should know what happens when you force Shinji to get off his ass and make a decision. Haven't any of you watched End of Eva?

"I don't want to kill anymore. I want to go back to *MY* world."

"You won't like it," Rei insisted.

Shinji looked determined. "You think I like the real world? As I
said before, reality bites!"

"Shinji...please stop drooling on me."

Uh... did I miss something?

Shinji raised his head from the lap he found himself lying on top
of. "Huh?"

Hikari wiped the drool off her skirt. "Shinji, are you okay?"

"What happened?" Shinji asked, rubbing his eyes.

"You made a move on my girl! That's what!" Touji shouted, glaring
at Shinji.

"Err...no...I wouldn't," Shinji insisted.

This version of Shinji probably would.

"Relax, Shinji. You just fainted," Rei said, placing a cold towel
on Shinji's forehead.

"Rei?" Shinji gasped.

"I'm sorry, Shinji. I didn't know you'd get roughed up in the
entry pod that badly," Rei said, then leaned down and kissed Shinji
passionately on his lips.

This is Rei Ayanami, right? The author didn't replace Rei with some other Rei?

After the kiss ended, Shinji said, "Life is good." Shinji pulled
Rei into an embrace.

"Hey! Get your hands off me, you pervert!" Rei shouted, then kneed
Shinji in his groin.

"What?" Shinji gasped, blinking.

"I said get your hands off me!" Rei repeated, then kneed Shinji
again.

Come on, Rei, show some mercy. Any more abuse and his groin will start to look like the mangled mess that is CWC's genitalia.

Asuka leaned over him. "Shinji, you really should get more sleep.
You fell asleep and then when you woke up you grabbed Rei."

"She didn't kiss me?" Shinji asked.

"Ack! You pervert! How dare you dream about me like that!" Rei
shouted.

"I'm confused."

Now he knows how I feel.

"Yes, we know."

-E- -V- -A-

The gang walked home from the mall, Shinji was moping in the rear
of the gang. Rei dropped back to Shinji's side. "Um...I'm sorry,
Shinji. I didn't know that you'd get roughed up in the entry pod that
badly."

Didn't we just have this conversation?

Shinji looked at Rei and waited for the kiss. It never came.
Reality was never as good as the dream, or in this case, alternate
reality was never as good as the dream. "Can you kill one of the others
tomorrow?" Shinji asked.

"Sure," Rei said, smiling. Rei turned down the street to her home.
Then without turning around and looking at Shinji, she said, "Next time
don't hug me in front of the gang."

Does she have to insist on calling it a gang? The Jets and the Sharks are more intimidating than this bunch.

Shinji stopped in his tracks and stared at Rei's back. "Huh? Next
time?"

-E- -V- -A-

"I'm home, Mom!" Shinji called out and tossed his bag onto the
kitchen table. He rummaged through the refrigerator and pulled out a
week old pork bun and can of soda.

"How was your day, Shinji?" his mother said as she came into the
kitchen. She smoothed out her dress.

Shinji recalled everything that happened that day and replied,
"Confusing."

"That's nice, dear," Yui intoned.

Ironically, the confusion is the one remaining shred of normality in Shinji's life.

Shinji bit into the pork bun, then gasped. "This bites..." Shinji
commented and tossed the green pork bun into the garbage. He opened the
soda and made his way to the bathroom. Spotting his father coming out
of the master bedroom, he said, "Hi, Pop."

He then looked up from the can and greeted Gendo.

"Welcome home, Shinji," Gendou said, tucking in his shirttail. He
seemed to be upset, as if something was interrupted.

Shinji washed up and sunk his body into the tub. He stared at the
ceiling and muttered, "Familiar ceiling." He sighed.

Get it? It's funny because it's a slight modification of a line from the show!
Wait a minute, that's not funny at all... Crap.

[End - Garden of EVA 0:2 - This Bites]
=======================================================================
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Virtual Reality Experience Simulator (VRES)
Evangelion Unit Data

Not more of this...

Eva Unit 03 - Production Model
Color: Black



Design date: November 12, 2014
Eye configuration: Two
Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (44 metric tons)
Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters
Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, 3, and 4 manual weapons
AT field generator power: 145x2
Response time delay: 33 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage
Special equipment: Flexible arms, extendable to 100 meters

It's actually a really convenient feature, since the Unit 03 action figure can double as a Stretch Armstrong.

Eva Unit 04 - Production Model
<file corrupted>

Eva Unit 05 - Production Model
Color: Green

Unit 05 is green? Yet more proof that the author somehow saw Rebuild years before it was released.

Design date: December 1, 2014
Eye configuration: Multi-faceted spider eye
Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (48 metric tons)

Or as they call them in Britain, tonnes. And because most of what's left is more thrilling statistics and I have nothing to say, the remainder of this review will be a nonsensical string of English slang.

Built-in weapons: (2) Large AT laser cannon on forearms
(1) Progressive knife in shoulder holster
Usable weapons: All type 1,2, and 3 manual weapons
AT field generator power: 130x2
Response time delay: 35 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage
Special equipment: 50 meter jump jets
Flexible arms, extendable to 100 meters

Wotcher by jove matey chimchimminy cheroo let's take the lift to the lorry shan't we my good chap for some fish and chips for afternoon tea, your majesty?

Eva Unit 06 - Production Model
Color: White
Design date: December 1, 2014
Eye configuration: Three
Armor: Tri-polymer titanium (48 metric tons)
Built-in weapons: (1) Progressive sword in scabbard
(1) Progressive knife in shoulder holster
Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, 3, and 4 manual weapons
AT field generator power: 130x2
Response time delay: 45 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage
Special equipment: 50 meter jump jets
Progressive claws on fingers

Hip hip huzza God save the queen old bean care for some scones and a biscuit in the boot innit!

Eva Unit 10 - Production Model
Color: Burnt Umber
Design date: February 21, 2015
Eye configuration: Four
Armor: Quad-polymer titanium (55 metric tons)
Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive arm blades in forearms,
extendable to 15 meters in length
(2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters
Usable weapons: All type 1,2, and 3 manual weapons
AT field generator power: 125x2
Response time delay: 41 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage
Special equipment: 100 meter jump jets

Britannia rules the waves chimney sweep guv'nah and sixpence Buckingham Palace wedding tackle!

=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

Well, I've done it again. Taken a five minute flash of an alternate
world from episode 26 and twisted it into Shinji's perfect world gone
slightly askew. Will someone please stop me?

I'll stop you with me cricket bat, you sodding buggered wanker! Huzzah!

The specifications for the game Evas are similar to the real Evas, but
not exactly the same (especially for Unit 05 and above, since they
didn't appear in the TV series and they are all identical and
pilot-less in the movies).

I'd like to thank various FFML members and my pre-readers: David
Johnson, Ryan Erik, Johnathan Ng, and Anthony Pardilla. Of course in
the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Rough draft (July 16, 1998)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (July 19, 1998)
Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (July 21, 1998)
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (July 30, 1998)

Bugger all.
Anyway, that's all for this chapter. This has been Electrical Beast, the Jolteon of Let's Play! Dr. O, and I hate everything.

This post has been edited by Dr. O: Feb 12 2011, 02:53 PM


--------------------
Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

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Dr. O


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post Feb 7 2011, 03:32 PM
Are ya ready, kids?
...
Well screw you, because I'm doing this anyway.


[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:3 - Kaji Bites Misato!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:3 - Kaji Bites Misato!

You just said that.

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim
Lazar

Can you even copyright this? Would you want to?

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

And all text sucks regardless of punctuation.

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================

The working site is here: http://animeprime.burntoutcomic.com/ff/geva/index.shtml

You know, in case you ever feel like you're too intelligent but can't afford a lobotomy.

Short general warning: This fanfic contains spoilers, sex, bad
language, 14-year-old hormones, naked people, and various warnings. You
have been warned.
=======================================================================

I find it funny that the guy who said, in the first part, that he hadn't watched the Eva movies is warning us about spoilers.

"Give me a thousand on black and red," a boy said to Takma before
class started. He handed over a thousand yen bill.

"Okay, which is black?" Takma replied and entered the bet into his
palmtop.

"Um....Misato is black, Rei's red."

Why are these kids doing this? Are they that strapped for entertainment? I remember when all you needed to have a fun time was a bullfrog and a pack of firecrackers.

"You're all set."

Later in class, the three stooges were huddled in together. "So
what color today?" Touji asked.

Moe then whacked him on the back of the head and Larry poked him in the eyes.

"I don't know. I didn't see them today. Maybe at lunch she'll
flash me," Shinji replied.

"Oh no, looks like the new girl doesn't like Shinji anymore,"
Touji quipped.

Guess it wasn't meant to be. Sorry, Shinji," Kensuke added sadly,
patting Shinji on the back.

Kensuke,naturally, had long ago given up on women, opting instead to romance the aircraft carrier USS Nimitz.

"Don't worry, I'll see them today," Shinji insisted, glancing at
Rei. Rei just continued looking forward.

Misato stood at the front of the class and finished her lecture,
then asked, "Okay, can anyone tell me the biggest change in humanity
since Second Impact?" No one volunteered, so Misato scanned the room
and picked someone. "Shinji?"

"Um...the human population decreased?" Shinji replied uncertainly.

"Yes, no kidding. By about three billion people, but what was the
impact on human society?" Misato asked, sitting down at her desk.

Those zero-population-growth pricks finally shut up.

"Alright! Black!" a boy exclaimed from the back of the room.

Misato bit back a smile. <Anything to keep them interested in
class,> she thought.

I don't know if this makes her the best teacher ever, or the worst.

"Well, it's less crowded," Shinji offered.

"Meaning?"

"Less drain of resources?"

Actually, resource consumption isn't some linear function of population, but something that is affected by lifestyle, relative wealth between resource-producing nations and the larger consumers, industrialization, and standard of living.

Wait, sorry, I forgot a joke. Well, we can't all be Schmeckie or Max.

"Very good. This event also brought all the world's people
together to rebuild after the devastation of the Second Impact. Now,
since you were all born after Second Impact, you might not realize
this, but the world was..." Misato stopped, as Rei's hand went up.
"Yes, Rei?"

"May I be excused?" Rei asked, looking troubled.

"Of course."

Rei stood up and left the room.

-E- -V- -A-

Aww... I wanted to hear more about Second Impact and how the near-extermination of the human race brought back a good, old-fashioned sense of togetherness.

"Hey, what's the matter?"

"Nothing."

"You left class sort of fast."

"What do you care? You just like to look at my panties."

A guy's gotta have his priorities.

"Yes, but you're more than a pair of panties to me."

James Bond he ain't.

"Pervert."

"Tomboy!"

Shinji stared at the television screen and muttered to himself,
"This 'Shin Seiki Ranma' show sure seems familiar somehow."

What? confused.gif

"Shinji! Take your bath, the water should be hot by now," Yui
called out.

"Okay, Mom," Shinji replied, then watched the end of the show
anyway. Akane smashed Ranma with an asteroid. "Ouch," Shinji said,
feeling sorry for the poor guy. At the same time, though, he envied
him, too. That Akane had quite a rack on her. He never understood the
flat-chested jokes in that show since she was pretty well built in his
opinion.

It's a secret art of fiction known as irohnee.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji stared up at the ceiling and soaked in the hot bath. "I
wonder why Rei didn't flash me today? She's shown me her panties every
day since she started school," he muttered. "But not for the last few
days! Damn!" Shinji exclaimed. "I wonder why Rei left class today?
Hmmmm, probably just her time of the month."

Watching Shinji try to understand chicks is like watching Sisyphus. Except Sisyphus isn't nearly as pathetic. I mean, the guy's got problems, but bitch ain't one.

He returned to his meditation, "Rei, Asuka, Misato, Ami, Akane,
Hanaki, or Yukiko today?" He pondered on his choices, then pictured Rei
naked. "Ahhhh, such a naughty girl."

After his meditation was finished, he made sure to drain, clean,
and then re-fill the tub.

-E- -V- -A-

The next day during lunch, Shinji approached Rei. "Hi, Rei. What's
up?"

Rei looked up and smiled. "Hi, Shinji. You are at the moment."

"Huh?" Shinji replied, confused.

Shinji not only has the social grace of CWC and the attractive personality of Bleedman, but he also has the quick wit of Beavis and Butthead. What a catch!

Rei smiled, then asked, "So ready for the game tonight? I'm going
to play without any of the cheats. Should be a good match."

"Well, it's been more fun playing Eva with you since you stopped
dismembering me," Shinji said.

Or he could try not sucking at the game. You know, either/or.

Rei smiled. "Well, I can only get off on chopping you to tiny
pieces for so long. I'll just have to find some more interesting ways
to have fun," Rei said and winked. She got up and made her way indoors
for the afternoon classes.

Totally missing Rei's meaning, Shinji cursed silently, "Damn, she
didn't even show me her thigh."

OK, how socially inept can one person be? This is like the origin story for a serial murderer or something.

-E- -V- -A-

"Unit 01, Angel at eleven o'clock."

"But it's only seven o'clock," Shinji quipped.

The computer controlled voice didn't find Shinji's joke funny, so
the AI program inserted ten Angels around Shinji's Unit 01. It didn't
take long for his Eva to be reduced to a pile of scrap metal and flesh.

See? Even computers can't stand him.

Shinji waited for the few seconds it took for the Eva to
regenerate and return to the game. He was then attacked by the same ten
Angels that had just destroyed him. "Damn! No fucking way!" he
screamed. He quickly reached behind his game chair and pulled the
self-destruct switch. His Eva exploded and took the ten Angels with
him, along with half the paying field.

He waited another few seconds for his Eva to regenerate once
again. "Damn it...ten Angels at once is no fucking fair." Shinji sighed
as he saw his score take a plunge as the self-destruct penalty was
subtracted. What was worse, the stupid AI command staff seemed to be
laughing at him.

I just realized that a significant portion of this fanfic boils down to teenagers being distressingly bad at an online videogame. If I wanted that I'd play Black Ops.

"Hey, Shinji...don't make jokes like that to the AI command staff.
The Eva program has some interesting responses to jokes like that," Rei
said, while trying to deal with a huge ring like Angel that had
appeared above her. <Damn, I don't recall seeing this one before. Did
Mom add some new Angels to the program before leaving her old job?> Rei
thought to herself. Her entry pod shook as the Angel lanced her Eva
with a piece of the ring. <Damn. I'm done for,> Rei thought.

Suddenly, Rei was released from the Angel's hold. "Huh?" she
gasped, then looked around and saw that Shinji had cut the tendril that
had speared her. Rei smiled, this guy was actually one of the better
Eva pilots she had played with. "Thanks, Shinji. If we attack this
Angel with our progressive knives at the same time I think we can take
it out."

"Unlike in the show, where it was basically immune to attack so I had to kill myself to stop it."

Seriously, what's the point.

"No problem, Rei!" Shinji replied.

Rei was thankful that she didn't have to sacrifice her Eva to
destroy the Angel like Shinji had just had to. Rei helped Shinji chop
the Angel into tiny pieces.

Now who wants some Angel paella?

Asuka was running and jumping all over the torn up battlefield,
chopping every Angel she saw with the two progressive swords she had
appropriated from some sort of mutant-ninja-turtle Angel. "Ha! Take
that! And That!"

huh.gif

Touji and Hikari were missing for most of the game. They were off
in a dark corner experimenting with the 'sex cheat' that Rei had told
them about. Turns out the Eva's were anatomically correct without their
armor on after all.






I'm sorry, but... why would you even... This is some Twilight Zone shit here.

"Damn, Touji. If only you were this good for real!" Hikari
commented over their private intercom channel. The sight of the male
Eva on top of her female Eva was quite...stimulating.

Oh holy fuck this is atrocious.

"What do you mean? If you'd let me go further than just your
breasts, you'd see what a stallion I am!" Touji insisted. He maneuvered
his Eva over on top of Hikari's and began rocking back and forth.

Why would Evas be gendered? Why would they have sex organs? Why is there a sex cheat in a videogame apparently run by a humorless, oppressive AI? It's like if the Master Control Program were a Nazi furry. Why would you write this?

Kensuke spent a lot of time trying to fight off a small humanoid
Angel. It had taken control of an unmanned EVA unit and was using it to
keep Kensuke from getting close to him.

Kensuke used his Eva Unit 10's progressive arm blades to slash at
the possessed Eva Unit 16, but the built in progressive armor plates of
that Unit had deflected all of Kensuke's swings.

And what is a progressive armor plate? In the show, a progressive knife was some kind of vibrating blade or something, so how would armor work? That's like saying you've made high-explosive tank armor. It doesn't mean anything!

Kensuke was very worried; he'd never fought this Angel or this Eva
Unit before. He was about to call for help from the others when he
noticed the flaw in this Eva. Each Eva and Angel had at least one flaw
or weakness that could be exploited. He grinned and then charged the
possessed Eva. Instead of attacking he slid his Eva between the legs of
his enemy. He thrust his progressive arm blades up and sliced the groin
of the Eva. Since the progressive armor plates did not cover that area
he was able to slice into the Eva's body. A certain part of the Eva's
anatomy fell to the ground and wiggled for a bit before exploding.

WHY DID KENSUKE JUST CASTRATE AN EVA.
WHY DO EVAS HAVE EXPLODING NADS.
AFIHIOEH*O$YHOHOEG_}G$UOy87|`4GY*(IOV>-


The possessed Unit 16 howled in rage then collapsed to the ground
and held it's bloody groin. It then self-destructed to put itself out
of it's misery.

Kensuke smiled, then commented, "Must have been a male Eva." He
ran after the little floating Angel. With a flying leap, he managed to
grab it and squeezed hard. It's head popped off with a squishy sucking
sound and he had his Eva swallow the head. "Yum," he said, looking
around for his next meal.

After the ten minute game time was up, the gang crawled out of
their entry pods and made their way to the food court for their usual
post mission junk-food-a-thon.

Rei was scarfing down a large hot dog.

"Nice technique, Rei. Try that on Shinji yet?" Touji asked.

I don't even care anymore. The retarded innuendo, the pointlessness of the plot (if it can even be called that), the hollow characterization... None of it can compare to Eva Hot Coffee.

Rei blushed.

Hikari hit Touji over the head with her bag. "Pervert! Don't make
vile comments like that!" she screamed.

Vile comments? YOU WERE FUCKING VIRTUAL REALITY GIANT ROBOT AVATARS OF ONE ANOTHER!

Touji rubbed his head, realizing that he'd just screwed up with
Hikari again. Time for more roses and groveling.

"Yes! I'm back at number one!" Asuka screamed after examining the
scorecards closely.

"Well, you were like a demon possessed out there, Asuka," Kensuke
mentioned. He barely looked up from the thick Eva manual he was
examining. It was turned to the Eva Unit 16 specification page.
<Interesting, might try this one next time,> he thought.

"Congratulations, Asuka," Rei said.

"Thanks, Rei. Where did that ring Angel come from anyway?" Asuka
asked.

I like how this game has every Eva from the show and then some, but Angels from the show are some kind of huge surprise. Fucking consistency how does it work?

"I don't know. It wasn't in the original Eva program. They might
have added it recently," Rei said, then smiled at Shinji and added,
"Thanks for your help, Shinji."

"No problem, Rei. See...it's more fun to fight by my side than to
cut me into little pieces," Shinji said.

"Not really, but thanks anyway," Rei said.

Shinji stuck his tongue out at Rei.

Kensuke finished his examination of the specs for Unit 16 and
commented, "The programmer of the Eva game must be one sick puppy to
put Unit 16's weakness in it's groin."

That part of the game was designed by Margaret Atwood.

Rei smirked, then said, "Yes, she is an...interesting person."

Kensuke gasped. "You know her? It'd be great to meet her! This
game is just so cool!" he exclaimed.

"Umm...yeah. Maybe I'll see if I can get her to meet you guys
sometime," Rei offered. <Wonder how long I can keep the secret that
she's my mother?> she worried inwardly.

"Cool!" Kensuke exclaimed, then dropped the thick Eva manual on
his foot. "Ouch! Damn, why does this thing have to be so god damned
big?" he asked, picking up the centimeter think manual.

Centimeter? That's barely even enough for a hard cover. What, are Kensuke's feet made of plasticine?

Rei sighed. She was effectively motherless for the years that it
took her mother to develop the Eva game. The only good thing about the
game is that it has brought her closer to her friends. <They are
friends, aren't they? Not like...> she let her thoughts trail off.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei were walking home through a nice park after the
game. "You really don't need to walk me home," Rei said, although
inwardly she was glad he was.

"Well, it's later than normal, so..." Shinji trailed off as he saw
a familiar car parked in a dark corner. "Hey, that's Misato's car!"

"Geez, do all you boys always get an erection when you think about
Ms. Kastsuragi?" Rei commented, glancing down at Shinji's pants.

Maybe because this version of her is a teacher under the impression that she's actually a stripper?

Shinji covered his lower regions, blushed, then said, "Well,
she's just so fucking hot!"

"Well, I guess you're right. Someone is fucking her right
now....look," Rei said, pointing at the car.

Misato was laying in the back seat and a man was bumping and
grinding on top of her.

It's a little too late to try injecting sexual normality into this story.

"Damn!"

"Guess that means you're out of the running, too bad."

"No, I meant the windows are too steamed up and I can't see any
details!" Shinji exclaimed softly, craning his neck to try to see
Misato's naked body better.

"Why are you guys so hung up on her anyway? She's just teasing you
boys to keep you interested in class," Rei said.

"No she isn't!" Shinji declared. "Last year she had affairs with
half the boys in her class."

Only half? She must have really been slacking off.

"Yeah, right. How many this year?" Rei asked.

"Well, some claims, but none confirmed yet..."

"Thought so. You'll notice that the man humping her right now is
not a student. He's pretty cute, actually. I wouldn't mind having him
inside me," Rei said, trying to see more of the man.

"Even though five seconds ago we couldn't see any details."

"Ah, he's nothing special."

"Think you're bigger?"

Shinji blushed, then snapped back, "Hey! Don't believe everything
Asuka says! She's just a big liar!"

"Prove it!" Rei shot back.

I got it! This isn't just the universe where everything is perfect according to Shinji - it's also the universe where everyone is certifiably retarded. It's the only explanation.

Shinji recoiled, then leaned closer to Rei. "Don't think that I
won't!" he replied.

"Pull your pants down and prove it then," Rei said, sounding very
serious.

Or maybe it's the universe where everyone wants to screw Shinji. To be fair, though, it's extremely difficult to tell the difference between the two.

Shinji faltered, looked around the park, then stammered, "Um...you
first."

Uh? Did Rei turn into a dickgirl when I wasn't paying attention?

"Yeah, right. I have nothing to prove. You do."

"Me and my mighty oak have nothing to prove," Shinji insisted.

Because I'm made (I rule the forest)
From these trees (and all the trees)
I'll bring Megaman to his knees!

"Hmmm...me thinks that Shinji is hiding a little twig in his pants
after all," Rei said, smiling. She turned her back to Shinji and looked
into the car again. "Damn, with the size of that thing, she's going to
be sore tomorrow...not that I wouldn't mind being sore like that." Rei
started to turn around. "Hey, Shinji?"

Shinji glanced around the park once more, then pulled his pants
and underwear down. "There....see? A mighty oak!"

And I would, if I could
Destroy
All that's good

Rei finished turning around and blushed at the sight. "Damn.
Didn't think you had it in you, Shin-boy."

"Shinji! What the hell are you doing out there!"

Shinji fell backwards onto his bare ass. He scrambled to pull his
pants back up as Misato stared at him from the open window in her car.
"It's not what you think! Rei dared me!"

"I was just minding my business and this pervert pulled his pants
down. I think he's hot for you Ms. Kastsuragi," Rei said, enjoying
watching seeing Shinji squirm into his pants.

See, Shinji, this is why you can't trust women. Unless you have chloroform and a fully equipped underground rape dungeon. Then it's all right.

"Well, of course he is!" Misato said, smiling. "But me and Mr.
Kaji would like our privacy right now. You two horny kids go somewhere
else and fuck each other instead of jerking off while I get mine!" She
poked her head back in and closed the window. "Kaji...don't bite so
hard...the kids will freak if I have any marks tomorrow."

Role model of the year, folks!

Shinji finished zipping up his pants, leaving a piece of underwear
sticking out of the fly and made a hasty retreat. He was followed
calmly by Rei.

"Damn, I don't believe I let you talk me into that. Now she's
going to move me to a different class!" Shinji mumbled as they walked
through the park.

"Don't worry. I doubt that she'll want to make an issue about it.
After all, she was shagging that guy in a public park," Rei said,
patting Shinji on the back.

"Don't worry, if I ever stop being a cocktease I can just have you arrested for statutory rape."

"Well, at least I got a good look at her boobs when she poked her
head out the window," Shinji said, smiling at the memory.

Rei shook her head. "You guys are just a walking bunch of
hormones, aren't ya?" she asked.

"You're one to talk...always teasing me with your panties and then
cutting me off like that," Shinji said, angrily.

"Well, you didn't have to keep telling everyone else about it!"
Rei insisted.

Shinji grinned, although it looked more like a leer. "Well, they
need the info for the betting pool."

That and it's Japan, where the national sport is groping schoolgirls on the subway.

"Oh, for such a noble cause, please take a peek," Rei said,
gesturing to her dress.

Shinji grinned, moved to grab the hem of Rei's dress and started
to pull it up. He was quickly punched into the ground by Rei.

"Hey! You told me to do it!" Shinji insisted.

"She was asking for it!"

"Those hormones you guys have must really lower your IQs. I was
kidding, I'm hardly going to show you my panties if you keep telling
everyone," Rei said.

"Fine, I won't tell them then," Shinji promised.

Rei stopped and examined him briefly. "Trust raging hormone-boy? I
don't think so," Rei said, then approached her apartment building.

"Hey! I'm an honest guy! I never once said I saw your panties when
you didn't show them to me!" Shinji said, as if that was a noble thing.

He follows the pervert code of chivalry.

Rei chuckled. Without turning around she opened her door, then
said, "Asuka's wrong, by the way. It's actually pretty nice." She
closed the door behind her.

Shinji looked at the door for several moments, then as his ego
(among other things) expanded in size, he puffed out his chest (among
other things). "Ha! Of course it is!" he said, then turned and headed
for home. No question who he was going to 'meditate' with tonight.

If you're going to write mecha porn, I think you can dispense with the bullshit euphemisms.

[End - Garden of EVA 0:3 - Kaji Bites Misato!]
=======================================================================
Neon Genesis Evangelion
Virtual Reality Experience Simulator (VRES)
Evangelion Unit Data

Oh not this again.

Eva Unit 16 - Production Model
Color: Orange
Design date: March 22, 2015
Eye configuration: Eight (360 degree view when used with
Type-II entry plugs)
Armor: Quad-polymer titanium (55 metric tons)
Built-in weapons: (2) Progressive knifes in shoulder holsters
Usable weapons: All type 1, 2, 3, and 4 manual weapons
AT field generator power: 135x2
Response time delay: 31 milliseconds
Power supply: 600 seconds run time, average usage
Special equipment: Progressive armor plates cover 78% of EVA
surface to protect against progressive
blade weapons and AT blades
=======================================================================



Author's notes/ramblings:

How's that for FAN SERVICE? To bad you can't see it for real.

Fuck you.

Have you figured out my theme for the names for each part yet?

The 'progressive arm blades' of Eva Unit 10 are sort of like the
Guyver's curved blades. I'm not sure the specs from part 2 made that
clear.

If you're worried about clarity, you could always try not being shit at writing.

I'd like to thank various FFML members and my pre-readers: Mark Eymer,
Nlson31, Ryan Erik, Jonathan Ng, and Anthony Pardilla. Of course in the
end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.

Natch.

Revision 0.0 - Rough draft (July 18, 1998)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (July 28, 1998)
Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (August 1, 1998)
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (August 11, 1998)


How the fuck did this go through four drafts.

This post has been edited by Dr. O: Feb 12 2011, 03:03 PM


--------------------
Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

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Post #4
Dr. O


witch doctor
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post Feb 12 2011, 05:49 PM
Welcome to another thrilling installment of shit. I will be your host this evening. Our specials are chunky crap and Crohn stew.

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:4 - Rei Bites!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:4 - Rei Bites!

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

You mean Gainax didn't sign off on this? Color me shocked.

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar

Who will henceforth be known as "that titnippled bitchnut."

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

But which language are the thoughts in? Evidently we are too stupid to know which language Japanese characters are speaking to other Japanese in Japan, so you can't just leave us to figure this stuff out on our own.

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
Short general warning: This fanfic contains spoilers, sex, various
sexual organs, bad language, 14-year-old hormones, naked people, and
various warnings. You have been warned...repeatedly.

It's too late to try being clever.

=======================================================================


Rei was naked. There was no doubt whatsoever about that.

Wow, this is just like... every single scene of Evangelion with Rei in it.

Shinji, being a healthy fourteen-year-old boy, drooled over the
naked body and admired every curve. He wanted to taste the sweet nectar
that was Rei.

First of all: "taste the sweet nectar" sounds like something out of a terrible comic with no grasp of the human anatomy.
And second: he is a fourteen-year-old boy. He's not interested in curves. If it has two x chromosomes and a rack, he's interested. This isn't very complicated.

"Do you want to become one with me?" Rei asked, softly. "To become
of one mind and body? It could be very...pleasant."

"Yes, I do."

"Well, all you have to do is ask."

"What if you say no?"

Then you do it anyway, Shinji. Come on, man up. This is the Evangelion universe, so it's not like there are going to be any helpful authority figures around to help her.

"What makes you think I'll say no?" Rei replied, while pulling
Shinji's shorts off.

What indeed?

"Asuka always says no."

"I'm not Asuka," Rei claimed, while stroking Shinji's mighty oak.

And we are all grateful for tha- Damn it, bitchnut used that idiotic tree euphemism again, didn't he?
...
dry.gif
...
You've come far, you've destroyed many of the others

"Good point," Shinji conceded, as his oak grew taller.

I'll avenge the deaths of my robot brothers!

"Wake up, Shinji!"

"Huh?" Shinji gasped.

"Wake up you idiot!!" Asuka bellowed and then shook Shinji
violently. Shinji opened his eyes to see Asuka leaning over him with a
scowl on her face.

"You've gotten very bossy since you retook the top Eva pilot spot
from Rei," Shinji muttered, then scratched his butt. Surprised, he
looked down and quickly covered his erection with his hands. "Where are
my shorts?"

"You weren't wearing them. Probably jerking off again, you little
pervert!! Now get into the bathroom and wash up or we'll be late!" Asuka
screamed and pushed Shinji into the bathroom. After she closed the door,
she put Shinji's shorts into her bag and grinned.

What a tweest!

-E- -V- -A-

"I really wish you'd stop waking me up every morning, Asuka,"
Shinji said, as they walked to school.

"You'd never get to school on time if I didn't," Asuka insisted.

"You just want to look at my mighty oak."

Understand I'm different than the robots you've seen before
I've been born from nature and machines of war!

"The twig? Never."

"Rei likes it," Shinji declared, grinning.

As Asuka stopped and thought about this for a few moments, Rei came
running around the corner and crashed into Shinji. They both ended up on
their butts. Shinji grinned as he saw the red lace panties that Rei was
wearing. Rei casually closed her legs, snapped off a quick, "Pervert!"
then ran off to school.

I can't help but wonder if there are better ways of getting someone's attention than intentionally barreling into them every morning, flashing them, then calling them a pervert and both physically and emotionally abusing them every other second when the both of you are in the same building.
But what do I know? I've never written a lemon, so clearly I must defer to bitchnut's expertise on women and relationships.

Shinji chuckled softly.

"Dickhead...quit treating women like a spectator sport!" Asuka
screamed. She bopped Shinji on his head with her bag and headed for
school.

And Asuka gets a yellow card for unsportsmanlike conduct!

Shinji rubbed his head, then muttered, "You're one to talk...always
sneaking peeks at me every morning." He started walking towards school.

He missed seeing Asuka lopsided grin.

"I'm a bitch it's funny!"

-E- -V- -A-

Before class started, Misato poked her head into the classroom and
called out, "Shinji, can I please see you in the hallway?"

Shinji gulped, then slowly made his way to the hallway. Rei held
back a huge laugh that was threatening to erupt from her mouth.

"Damn. Misato never calls me out for a private scolding..." a boy
muttered.

Gee, I wonder if this will be used as a launching point for childish innuendo.

"Yeah, I wonder if Sensei will give him a good tongue lashing?" the
boy next to him asked.

Oh, you smegma-dicked assdouche.

"Naw...Shinji's not that lucky."

Rei overheard this conversation and let out a soft chuckle.

Misato walked Shinji down the hallway and out of earshot of the
classroom. "Shinji, about last night..." Misato began.

"I won't say anything about you fucking that guy in the park last
night!!" Shinji blurted, then bowed deeply. "Please don't move me to a
different class!"

He only has two girls throwing ineffectually throwing themselves at him. Heaven knows that not having a third will severely impact his sad life.

Misato looked around to make sure no one was around to hear
Shinji's outburst and grinned. "Relax, Shinji...and don't say things
like that in school. I just wanted to make sure you don't tell anyone.
Mr. Kaji is a very important person and it would be better if it didn't
become known he was dating me."

"My lips are sealed."

"Good. By they way...cute butt. If only..." Misato tailed off and
sighed.

Isn't that Kaworu's line?

Shinji was blushing and smiling broadly when he returned to his
seat.

Here's a fun thought exercise: imagine that the roles are reversed and there's a male teacher hitting on a female student.

Touji leaned over and whisper to Shinji, "What happened?"

"She just wanted to tell me that I have a cute butt."

"Yeah, right. In your dreams!" Touji remarked.

"All right everyone! Shut up, bow to the teacher, and sit down!"
Hikari called out. All the students complied, they knew better than to
risk the wrath of Mistress Hikari.

Misato slowly, as if in pain, sat down at the desk. "Thank you,
Hikari. Um....let's start by everyone reading chapter five in their
textbooks. I'll just take a nap here," Misato said, then laid her head
down on the desk. In the process, she gave everyone in the class a nice
view of her cleavage.

Jaws dropped around the room in a sequence that sounded a bit like
the musical score of 'Fly Me to the Moon'.

It sounded a bit like this.

Rei and Shinji exchanged knowing glances.

-E- -V- -A-

"So what color today, Shinji?" Touji asked after school.

"Um, I don't know," Shinji replied, a little unconvincingly.

"Come on! Asuka said Rei flashed you this morning!" Touji insisted.
By his side, Kensuke nodded his agreement.

"Yeah...but...I didn't see anything," Shinji insisted.

Irritated, Touji grunted. "Damn, the pool has gotten so boring with
only Misato in it."

What, no lame jokes about Rei going commando?

"We could always start betting on Hikari's panties," Kensuke
suggested.

"Hey! That's my babe you're taking about! Her panties are no one's
business but mine!" Touji said.

"Me and my virtual giant robot sex slave!"

A bag wielded by the aforementioned 'babe' smashed him on the head.
Touji crumpled to the ground. "They aren't your business either, Mr.
Suzahara!" Hikari said, looking down at the prone Touji.

"Yellow," was all Touji said. His face, stomach, and groin all
received fresh footprints for his astute observation.

You might say she's...
cool.gif
The queen in yellow.

YEEEEEEEEEAAAAH!

After scraping Touji off the sidewalk, the gang watched Misato's
car scream out of the parking lot.

"Wow, she's in a big hurry," Kensuke remarked.

"Probably going to see her boyfriend," Rei remarked.

Kensuke's face fell to the ground. "Boy..."

Touji's face joined Kensuke's. "...friend."

"Yup, and it's not a student. A big hunky guy," Rei said.

So, Misato, how's that secrecy working for you?

Shinji pulled Rei aside, then whispered to her, "I don't think
Misato want's us talking about him."

Without whispering, Rei said, "I'm not going to name him, just
describe him in intimate detail." She winked, then softly asked, "How
long do you think it was?"

"I don't know! I don't look at stuff like that!" Shinji insisted.

I don't think he's convincing anybody.

He wanted to avoid talking about last night. Being caught with his pants
down, literally, by Misato was bad enough, but for the guys to find out
would be disaster.

Rei, Asuka, and Hikari walked ahead of the guys and discussed
Misato's boyfriend.

"Damn, Rei got lucky and saw Misato naked...and getting laid by
someone too! It's not fair," Touji complained.

Shinji bit back a smile, then said, "Yeah, it's not fair."
Although he had gotten a great look at his teacher, he wasn't about to
tell the guys for fear that his little show for Rei would slip out.

"Well, the idea that Misato would date one of her students is so
far-fetched," Kensuke remarked.

"What about all those stories of guys last year?" Touji asked.

"School myths...without scientific proof that Misato will screw
anything with a dick, we cannot assume that any of those stories are
true," Kensuke said, explaining his 'Great Misato Theory'.

It was a special application of his "Misato Uncertainty Theory," under which, unless directly observed, Misato was simultaneously engaged in intercourse and abstaining. Unfortunately, despite countless hours of diligent research, he had yet to formulate a working Grand Unified Misato Theory.

"Shot you down, did she?" Shinji asked, grinning.

"Yes...err...no....I never..." Kensuke stammered, losing his usual
calm manner and blushing.

Touji clapped his hand on Kensuke's back and smiled. "Don't worry
we all know the feeling of wanting to taste Misato's sweet melons, and
other assorted nectar." He grinned.

Melons... don't make... nectar...
Oh. I get it. Doesn't make it any less idiotic, though.

His grin was quickly replaced by Hikari's book bag. "Pervert!"

Shinji and Kensuke helped Touji back to his feet. "More bowing and
scraping coming up!" Kensuke declared, as Touji returned the bag to
Hikari and started groveling. "Hmmmm, groveling position number five,
plus a little more bowing than normal. Interesting," he commented. He
opened his laptop and made some quick notes.

Is every female character in this a Jekyll and Hyde creature, or does bitchnut only know two characterizations and is determined to get as much mileage as possible out of them?

-E- -V- -A-

Rei, Asuka, and Shinji walked home after the others had turned down
their respective streets.

Seeing something ahead, Shinji stopped suddenly and frowned.
"Um...let's go a different way."

Asuka and Rei looked at him quizzically. "Why? Hoping Misato's in
the park again?" Rei asked. Shinji didn't reply.

Asuka looked down the street they were on and pointed to a man in
front of a vending machine. "Isn't that your father, Shinji?" she asked.

They could tell because he was striking his signature hands-in-front-of-mouth pose while debating Kabbalistic philosophy with a can of Hi-C.

"Um, no of course not...let's just go through the park. Is it to
much to ask that I want to stroll in the park with the two prettiest
girls in school?" Shinji asked, then headed too the park.

Asuka and Rei looked skeptically at each other; sure that Shinji
was avoiding something. "Well, his father works for some big
organization called NERV, so I doubt he'd be fixing that vending
machine," Asuka informed Rei.

Why does NERV exist in Shinji's perfect world? He hated it! If you're going to write crappy fanfiction, at least keep track of your own premise!

"Either that or he's looking to have a menage a trois with us," Rei
suggested, as they started to follow Shinji into the park.

"Yeah, right! He'd have trouble satisfying anyone with that
toothpick of his," Asuka insisted.

Please don't get into this again...

"You don't say?" Rei said, flatly. Rei wondered if Asuka was
joking or had never seen it. <Nothing wrong with it as far as I could
tell. Although...that Mr. Kaji was pretty impressive.>

"What are you grinning about?" Asuka asked.

"Nothing, but I'm curious why you seem to be so hung up on the size
of Shinji's penis. Hmmm?"



"I'm not!"

"Well, if Shinji would be interested in a menage a trois, would
you?" Rei asked casually.

"Ha...ha...very funny," Asuka chuckled.

Rei chuckled softly back.

"Shinji is all talk and no action. I doubt he's even jerked off,
let alone kissed a girl," Asuka declared.

You'd be surprised.

"You haven't kissed him?" Rei asked.

"That little oberarshe? I tried a few months ago, you know...just
for laughs, but he passed out before our lips touched," Asuka said, not
mentioning that he probably passed out because she held his nose closed.

"But he does have a cute butt," Rei mentioned, looking ahead at
Shinji.

"Well, sure..." Asuka reluctantly agreed.

The great literary motifs of all time: the green light in The Great Gatsby, Big Brother in 1984, and Shinji's ass.

-E- -V- -A-

"I'm home, Mom!" Shinji called out as he came in the door.

"Welcome home, Shinji!" a voice replied from the kitchen.

"What's for dinn...." Shinji trailed off when he saw Misato
standing naked in his kitchen. "Err... Misato?"

Did nobody ever tell bitchnut that nudity isn't as effective in text as in visual media?

"Shinji, that's no way to address your mother," Misato said,
rubbing some ice on her bare chest.

"Oh, this has to be a dream," Shinji muttered.

"Are you okay, Shinji?" Misato asked, slowly eating a banana.

Shinji lowered his head, shook it, and then looked up again. His
real mother was standing in front of him, fully clothed and without a
banana. "I'm fine...just a long day I guess," he informed his mother,
but thought something quite different. <I don't know if I'll ever get
that image of Misato out of my head...not that I want too.>

OK, fic, we get it, Shinji beats off while thinking about his teacher (among others). You can stop telling us about it every other paragraph. Nobody cares.

"Well, grab what you want from the fridge. Your father is working
late and I've got my meeting tonight," Yui said.

"Yeah, I saw him..." Shinji sighed.

"Take care, Shinji," Yui said. She kissed Shinji on his cheek,
grabbed her bag from the counter, and left the apartment.

Shinji looked in the fridge. He ignored the now moldy pork buns.
Instead, he grabbed a can of soda and some kind of green gelatin. "Green
Soy, my favorite," he mumbled, and scooped some of the green stuff into
his mouth with his fingers.

Just as long as it isn't...
cool.gif
Soylent Green.



yeeeeeeaaah!

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji woke up in the bath and screamed loudly. Shinji immediately
checked for the presence of his manhood and sighed in relief when he
confirmed it was still attached. He thought about confirming that it was
still functioning, but then decided his skin was wrinkly enough so he
finished his bath and dried off. "Damn, what a disgusting dream."

Abrupt scene change much?

Since he was home alone, he just walked into his bedroom without
bothering to cover up. He gasped when he saw Rei sitting patiently on
his bed. "Rei? How'd you get in here?"

"Oh, a girl has her ways," Rei said, as a large smile grew on her
face. "I really don't understand why Asuka insists on calling it a
twig."

"It's more of a sprout."

"Huh?" Shinji asked. Rei nodded downwards. Shinji looked down and
finally remembered he was completely naked. "Arghhhh," he screamed then
ran out of the room. He returned a few moments later with a robe on.

"Damn, no need to cover up for me, Shinji," Rei said, genuinely
sad.

"Um...why are you here, Rei?" Shinji asked.

"Just leaving a present under your pillow," Rei said. She stood up,
walked over to Shinji and kissed him briefly on his lips. "Thanks for
not talking about my panties today." Then she left the room, leaving a
dazed Shinji behind her.

You know, being trippy is more effective if the audience has some interest in figuring out what's going on.

"Huh?" Shinji eventually gasped. He looked out into the hallway,
but Rei was gone. Shinji scratched his head, then walked over to his bed
and moved his pillow. He gasped as he saw the same red lace panties that
Rei was wearing that morning. He picked them up and looked at the
lipstick mark on them. "Rei's lips..." he muttered, then kissed the
panties.

Shinji smiled, tossed his robe off and lay down on his bed. "Yup,
she loves me," he said, then smelled the panties. "The sweet scent of my
beloved."

He's not going to start collecting various "mementos," is he? You know, like start fairly innocuously, taking a lock of Rei's hair, but then escalating until he's lopping off fingers due to his obsession with the flirty but frustratingly out of reach girl?

Aww, who am I kidding, that would actually have some entertainment potential.

"Glad you like them."

Shinji gasped, then covered his erection with the panties. "Rei!"

Rei smiled. She advanced on the trembling Shinji and put her hand
on Shinji's chest.

"Um, maybe I should put something on?" Shinji stuttered.

"Now why would you want to do that?" Rei replied. Rei winked and
ran her hand over Shinji's naked chest.

Here's another thought exercise: what plot development has occurred this chapter? Or, shit, in the whole fanfic? It's OK, I'll wait.

...

Are you finished yet? What's that? You couldn't think of a single thing of significance? Well, that's funny, because FUCK THIS FANFIC!

Shinji couldn't think of any reasons. Of course, he didn't really
try that hard. A crooked smile, also known as a leer, crossed his face.

A talentless writer, also known as a hack, inflicted misery on the internet.

"Now, Shinji," Rei said, tracing little circles around Shinji's
nipples. "Do you understand why it's best not to tell your
hormone-driven friends about certain things?"

Shinji gulped. "Yes, it has sunk in. My lips are sealed."

Rei smirked. "Oh...well you'll need to open them eventually," Rei
said. She slipped over Shinji's body and sat down on top of his hips.

It was at that point that Shinji realized that she had given him
the only pair of panties she had with her. It was...a very warm and
pleasurable sensation. Shinji grinned broadly.

I'm guessing the barrage of senseless euphemisms will commence at any moment.

Rei smiled at Shinji's reaction, leaned down, and gave him a
passionate kiss. After her tongue had traced the inner surface of his
mouth, Rei slid down his body taking little bites of his soft skin.
"Yummy. Asuka doesn't know what she's missing," she muttered.

"Asuka?" Shinji asked, momentarily shaken from his pleasurable
stupor.

Rei briefly looked up from her progression down his body. "She
likes you, but for some reason won't act on her feelings," she
explained, then started to kiss and nibble her way downward again.

<I had no idea. If she really does, then she hides it well,>

Nah, that's just the inconsistent characterization.

Shinji thought quickly, but soon forgot about everything except the
feeling of what Rei was doing to him.

Just before Rei reached her target, a voice called out, "Shinji!
I'm home!"

"Shit! It's my mother!" Shinji gasped.

Rei slid off Shinji's legs and cursed, "Damn...and here you were
standing so proud and tall for me too." She smiled, then calmly walked
over to the window.

A magnificent interception by Yui Ikari! And the crowd goes wild!

Shinji got up and pulled his robe on. He looked over at the window
just as Rei was crawling out it, giving Shinji quite a view. "Her hair
color is natural, apparently," Shinji muttered. He sat down at his desk
and opened a textbook. He quickly turned it right side up just before
his mother poked her head in his door.

"Shinji?" Yui said. "Ah, I'm glad you didn't forget your homework.
I was afraid you'd be screwing around instead."

Hurr durr.

Shinji looked innocently up from the textbook and said, "No,
nothing much to do around here by myself."


[End - Garden of EVA 0:4 - Rei Bites!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

Oberarshe is German for supreme idiot (super ass).

I'm sure you're real proud of your internet translation skills. It's not like just anyone can do that, dummvik.

Don't worry there will be more Eva games upcoming, including an
interesting variant, but I doubt you really missed the game in this
part.

Can't say that I did.

As you've noticed by now, this is not the Rei you're used to.

This one came this >< close to being a lemon. Even wrote the ending
differently. wink.gif But that would have required changes in the parts that
follow.

Translation: "I'm a lazy bastard."

I'd like to thank various FFML members and my pre-readers: James
Grabowski, Addison Godel, Mark Eymer, David Johnson, Jonathan Ng,
Addison Godel, Thomas C. Kinnen, and Ryan Erik. Of course in the end,
any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.

How can you have that many people previewing your work and ostensibly offering criticism and advice for improvements, but still end up with... this?

I'd also like to just take a quick moment to thank some of the initial
readers of the early drafts and versions of Garden of Eva (originally
called Reality Bites) who gave me encouragement and a few ideas that may
or may not have made it to the final versions: RTGVMax, Akito Tenkawa,
RPM, D.B. Sommer, David Eddy, Jin, Jurai Knight, Shiro, Chris
Siebenmann, Avasq, and Jiro Maeda.

Seriously. This is mind-boggling.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (July 23, 1998)
Revision 0.2 - Pre-reader draft (August 12, 1998)
Revision 0.3 - FFML draft (August 20, 1998)
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (September 7, 1998)

I... fuck it, that's enough for now. I'm gonna go play Call of Pripyat, which isn't half as terrifying as this mess.


--------------------
Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

Go to the top of the page
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Post #5
Dr. O


witch doctor
********

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post Feb 13 2011, 04:01 PM

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:5 - Shinji Bites Back!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:5 - Shinji Bites Back!

Is that really the best you can do? That was the most creative title you could think of... Was the author lazy, or did he really think this "bite" theme was clever? And why do I expect anything but pain from this fic at this point?

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar

Please, just demonstrate that you have one shred of creativity, that there is some small part of you that can create something that is not entirely awfu-

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

Sigh...

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Does "you are a fucknutting chode-ass donkey shit cockwhore" count as criticism?

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
Short general warning: This fanfic contains spoilers to the end of the
TV series, sex, various sexual organs, bad language, 14-year-old
hormones, naked people, and various warnings. You have been warned,
repeatedly.

What he's neglected to tell us is that the above is the sum total of this fanfic.

=======================================================================


Yui heard the soft tones of Shinji's cello from down the hall. She
felt the rhythm of the music flow through her bones. "Shinji is quite
talented, isn't he?"

"Yes, dear," Gendou replied.

"We really should encourage him to join the school band," Yui
commented.

"The dialog in this story is awfully boring, isn't it?"

"Yes, dear."

"Aren't you done yet?"

"Almost, dear," Gendou said, as he rocked back and forth on top of
his wife.

Apparently, in Shinji's perfect world, his parents' marriage is bland and loveless and his father is practically mute.
...
Sounds A-OK to me!

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji was happy. He always felt good when he played his cello. Of
course, right now he was playing it to cover the sounds coming from his
parent's bedroom. He shuddered at the thought of what his parents were
doing. Then he thought that he and Rei might have done the same thing
had his mother not come home Friday evening when she did. He still had
Rei's panties and the memory of Rei crawling out his window. Shinji had
always wondered if Rei's blue hair was natural, it was.

Or she's really thorough with the dye.

<I wonder if Asuka's red hair is real. Probably, she's been a
redhead since we were kids,> Shinji thought, then decided he'd have to
check for sure. <I wonder if Asuka really likes me like that? She's
never seemed to want to be my girlfriend.> He wasn't the fastest to
catch on,

Ahaha, yeah. And End of Evangelion was just a little trippy.

but he was still happy. "I wonder if they both really like me?" he muttered
and then another thought struck him. <Could Rei just be teasing me like
she was with her panties?> As he practiced, he pondered his suddenly
complicated love life. Well, it's not like he had any love life before, but
now suddenly he seemed to have two girls after him. One openly and one
who may like him, but has never shown any particular desire to be his
girlfriend. <Hey! Asuka even turned me down that one time I asked her
for a date... Rei must be wrong. Although, Asuka does seem to like
sneaking peaks at my penis... hmm... .>

Asuka suffers from a mental disorder known as "being a psycho bitch." It is treatable with a strict regimen of "manning the fuck up and slapping a bitch." Not that Shinji would know anything about that.

After another half-hour of practice and internal contemplation,

That's not another moronic masturbation reference, is it?

Shinji lay down on his bed. He was still unable to figure out if Asuka
was really interested in him and why Rei was so forward. Shinji must
have dozed off, because he was awakened by his mother's voice.

"Shinji! There's a cute girl here to see you!" Yui's voice called
from outside his bedroom.

"I'll be right out!" Shinji responded. <Must be Rei,> He thought, a
smile growing on his face. He got up and walked out to the front
entrance. He stopped short as he saw the older woman with short blond
hair in the entryway. "Um... hello," he hesitantly said. The scowl on
the woman's face made him a little wary of her. <Cute girl? This middle
age woman?>

Remember, Shinji has absolutely no interest in middle-aged women. Take Misato for exam- Oh. Wait...

"Hello, Shinji. I'm Ritsuko, Rei's sister," the tall woman said.

So, um... is Rei's last name Akagi now? Or are we going to find out that Rei's and Ritsuko's parents are Kaworu and one of the Seele monoliths?

"Oh... sister? I'd have thought you were her mother," Shinji said,
getting a huge taste of his foot in the process.

"I'M HER SISTER, DAMMIT!" she declared, as if she had to make this
correction often. After several seconds of glaring at Shinji, she got to
the point of her visit. "Anyway... this will just take a second. I want
to ask what your intentions are towards my sister?" she said,
cross-examining the terrified Shinji.

Awkwardly, Shinji looked around to make sure his mother wasn't
around to overhear this conversation. She wasn't. "Um... well, she's a
good friend."

"Who likes to goad me into indecent exposure in public..."

"Just a friend?" Ritsuko continued her third degree.

"Well, I like her a lot and I think she may like me too."

"Hmmmm. What are you planning on doing when you grow up?" Ritsuko
asked.

Oh, don't worry, he'll destroy the world long before that happens.

"Huh? Well, I'm only fourteen... I haven't really thought that far
ahead."

"Well, how do you expect to support my sister and your family
then?"

What is she talking about? There are plenty of career opportunities for socially inept kids with severe hangups about the opposite sex and who are frequently paralyzed by depression and cowardice. Like becoming anime directors!

Shinji recoiled in shock. "Ack! I just met her a few weeks ago! She
only kissed me once!" Shinji insisted. <No way am I going to mention
what she kissed after my lips.>

"Just don't play with her heart. Hurt her and I will chase you to
the ends of the Earth!" Ritsuko declared, glaring at Shinji.

Why is Ritsuko being such an overbearing psycho? Is she trying out for a role in Higurashi?

"I won't!" Shinji exclaimed, terrified.

"Good," Ritsuko said, then left the apartment. <That ought to keep
the little creep from hurting Rei.>

Shinji wiped the sweat off his forehead. "What was that all about?
Kind of overprotective..." He went to change his underwear. <Damn, she's
one scary old woman.>

Call her an "old hag." I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

-E- -V- -A-

"Where's dad?" Shinji asked, as he munched on his lunch.

"He and Professor Fuyutsuki had some emergency at work," Yui
replied.

Shinji smirked when he heard the grandiose title for his father's
boss. "Don't tell me... a clogged coffee dispenser?"

"Shinji, don't make fun of your father's work. He works hard to
support the family."

Sitting behind a desk in an office the size of a warehouse waiting for the world to end is hard work.

"Don't you make more?" Shinji mentioned.

"That's not important. Your father may repair vending machines, but
he works hard to put food on the table. Why, he even brought home all
that Green Soy the other day for us. I know you love it."

Wait, Gendo repairs vending machines? That... that's actually pretty funny.

"Yeah, but it's just so embarrassing. If my friends ever found out
that NERV stood for 'New Earth Resources Vending' I'd be the laughing
stock of the school," Shinji said. He soaked a rice ball in some Green
Soy and scarfed it down.

This may be the pedantic nerd in me speaking, but NERV isn't actually an acronym for anything. Just saying.

"I doubt any of them would care. You really do worry too much about
what other people think about you," Yui suggested.

"I'm not one of your patients, Mom!"

And Yui's a therapist? Could it be that this fanfic has undergone a sudden infusion of... quality?

"If your friends like you, they won't care what your father does.
Don't worry."

"I guess. I just don't want anyone to hate me."

"Who could hate my darling little Shinji?" Yui asked, then pulled
Shinji into a big bear hug.

"Mom! Cut it out!"

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji walked up to the apartment building that he had seen Rei go
into a few nights before. He looked at all the names on the mailboxes.
"Damn, I was sure this was where she lived, but there's no Ayanami,"
Shinji muttered. He sighed, then turned and started to walk away.

No, wait, scratch that. We're about to have a scene with Rei, so I'm sure the illustrious author will be back in prime form.

"Shinji?" a voice called from behind him.

Shinji turned around and saw Rei standing in the entrance to the
building. She was wearing a cute little sundress that ended just above
her knees. "Oh, Rei... I was looking for you, but there's no Ayanami
listed," Shinji said, looking a little nervous.

Rei smiled. "Oh, that's because I'm adopted. My adoptive mom's last
name is Akagi."

Well, that answers one thing. That only leaves the questions:
- Why does Rei exist in a world where Yui didn't die?
- Who are Rei's real parents?
- Ritsuko's mother strangled Rei in the show. Why didn't that happen here?
- Why include Ritsuko's mother at all, even if only by proxy? She only existed to add to Rei's and Gendo's backstory. Why not just have Ritsuko be Rei's adoptive mother?
- Why vacillate between senseless idiocy and half-assed attempts to create a coherent backstory? This world was created by Shinji as part of Instrumentality or something, right? It's an illusory world, so ultimately nothing in it matters aside from Shinji himself. This concept might work as a character piece, but the approach the author chose to take is fundamentally flawed, so why bother?
- Why am I taking this so seriously?

"Oh, so Ritsuko is your step-sister then?"

"Damn! Did she come over and threaten you?" Rei asked, growing
angry.

"Um... yeah."

"Don't worry, she's just overprotective. She's done that to other
boys when we lived down in Osaka-2. I think it's because she's had some
bad relationships and is worried that I'll end up with a guy like the
ones she has," Rei commented. "She even had an affair with some old goat
that ended badly."

Whoa, whoa, back up there. Is she referring to Gendo? Because that only- No. I won't even question this.

"Oh. Well..." Shinji trailed off.

"So, why did you come by today?" Rei asked.

Looking nervously at the ground, Shinji asked, "Well, I was
wondering if you might want to do something today?"

Rei smiled. "No need to be shy, Shinji. You're not like this at
school." <I wonder if his bravado in school is all talk?>

"I wasn't sure if you liked me..."

Oh, come on. This fic could have been over by now if Shinji would just stop beating around the bush and BE A MAN!

Rei gapped at Shinji, then smiled. <Not the fastest to catch on,
apparently.> "I'd love to do something with you today, Shinji!" Rei
hugged Shinji, then gave him a short kiss. "So what do you want to do?"

"Um, I don't know. Movie?" Shinji suggested.

"A little dull, but it's a start," Rei said, then took Shinji's
hand and dragged him away. "Shinji, just for future reference... any
girl who gives you her panties and then a kiss like I did, does like
you."

Oh, so that wasn't another pointless dream sequence. It's hard to keep track of which set of extraneous crap is "relevant" to the story, so that's good to know.

Shinji blushed, then made a mental note about that.

As they walked, Shinji awkwardly asked, "So you're adopted, huh?"

"Yeah, my father died in Second Impact and my mother died when I
was three. No big deal," Rei said flatly, then begged him internally,
<Please get off the subject Shinji... >

I sure am glad that we live in the wondrous future, where we can do things like this to denote thought, instead of using awkward punctuation.

"That's too bad."

"Well, it's not like I ever really knew them, so it's not
important," Rei insisted, but avoided eye contact with Shinji for most
of this conversation. <Why does he want to talk about this stuff?>

"Why do you keep using your real parents' name then?" Shinji asked.
Rei stopped short. "Err... .sorry, didn't mean to pry."

He then took her to see the most romantic movie he could think of: Schindler's List.

"That's okay. I don't know why. I guess I never really thought
about it," Rei said. She considered the reasons behind her using her
real name until she scolded herself, <Stop worrying about the past, Rei!
I have a new future here in Tokyo-3, away from Hasamoto and away from
the pain.>

OK, I know I asked for detail, but that doesn't really help.

-E- -V- -A-

Third Impact. Bodies flew everywhere. Charred bodies, burning
bodies, pieces of bodies... you get the idea. The Earth was wrapped in a
conflagration that it would take centuries to recover from, if it ever
would. The evil pervert had done it. He had destroyed everything. All
because he lost his favorite pair of panties. The 'Global Happo Fire
Burst' had reached every corner of the globe.

I... The... Wha... Why... Guh?

Two people walked between the rubble that had been Nerima. They
looked sadly at what had been their home.

"So, now what?"

"We repopulate the world."

"How?"

"Baka! We have children!"

This... please make it stop.

"Yeah, like I'd do that with a un-cute tomboy like you!"

And Akane malleted Ranma for the last time. She wandered the Earth
in hope of finding another man. Unfortunately, it turned out that only
women survived the blast, since the evil Happosai didn't want to hurt
all the pretty ladies. Since Ranma was a girl when the blast hit, he was
the only man to survive.

Of all the anime to use as an Evangelion stand-in... It's like if I wrote a Hellsing fanfic and I was all like, "herp-a-dur! Integra's watchin' Lucky Star!"

After wandering for nearly a year, Akane returned to Nerima and
found that Ranma was busy impregnating every woman in the world.

When Akane approached the breeding center, the receptionist looked
up. "Take a number, miss," Ukyo said, holding her extended belly.

Why?

"Ukyo? You're pregnant?" Akane asked, shocked.

"Yes. After you ran away, I was the first to be impregnated by my
Ran-chan."

Why?

Akane shook her head in disbelief. "No... it can't be!" She ran
past the reception desk into the inner sanctum. She saw Ranma in front
and called out. "Ranma, I love you!"

"Who has time for love now?" Ranma replied as he shagged Shampoo.

WHY?

"Kasumi, you're next and then it's my turn," Nabiki called out,
referring to her clipboard.

"When's my next break?" Ranma asked, as he finished with Shampoo.

"After you please me."

Why would you write this? What is the point? How is this relevant to anyTUEHGERUIRH

"This isn't for fun! I'm doing my duty to repopulate this world!"

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," Nabiki dryly commented.

"Well..."

"Ranma no baka!"

Rei looked up at the screen. As the credits began to roll, she
said, "Kind of a sad ending."

"Yeah, I like the Shin Seiki Ranma TV series better," Shinji said,
getting up. A ton of popcorn fell from his lap. "Less global destruction
and all..."

YOU DICK-SHITTING ASS-MUNCHING TIT-STABBING PISSMONGLER! I WILL KILL YOU!

"Well, Ranma is going to be very tired for the next few decades...
if he lives that long," Rei said, walking out of the movie theater with
Shinji. <I wonder what it's like to give birth?>

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHHH!

They shielded their eyes from the bright glare of the sun. Rei
looked at Shinji and giggled. She dug out a hankie and gave it to
Shinji.

"What's this for?" Shinji asked, taking the hankie.

"For the lipstick and popcorn kernels you have on your face."

Shinji blushed, then wiped his face off. "What do you want to do
now?"

"Are your parents at home?" Rei asked and winked.

You know it's a bad sign when you're counting the paragraphs until the end of the chapter.

Shinji gulped. "Err..yeah. My mother, at least."

"Damn! And my sister almost never goes out. She is such a loser!"

"We could go to the park," Shinji suggested.

"Sure."

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei strolled through the park. Shinji looked down and
slowly took Rei's outstretched hand in his.

Rei smiled. <He's a bit shy when he's alone with me, but that won't
last long.>

I mean, this started... not as bad as the other chapters. But it looks like the author is making up for lost time.

"So, why did your family move up to Tokyo-3?" Shinji asked as they
neared the park's lake.

Rei gave her standard answer to that question. "Well, my mom got a
new job programming the computers for the government. Since they are
moving the capitol here, they needed the best." Rei kind of looked away
and thought about the real reason. <It wasn't like I was in love with
Hasamoto, but the bastard didn't have to do that to me. It's just not
fair that I have to get the same kind of jerks my sister attracts.>

"Really? That's kind of cool. I've never really been that good with
computers and mechanical things."

Or anything.

"That surprises me, you're a great Eva pilot!"

"Hmmm, well it just seems to come naturally," Shinji said,
embarrassed by the praise. Then a thought struck him. "Hey want to go to
the Eva center?"

"Nawww, I like playing with the whole gang better."

Stop calling it that. You're embarrassing the real gangs. You know, like Mystery Inc.

"Okay, hey... want to take a boat out onto the lake?" Shinji asked,
looking at several boats float by on the water. <Touji said that's where
he finally got to touch Hikari's breasts... maybe... >

Rei looked at the lake and noticed that there were only a couple
other boats out on the large lake. She grinned, then said, "Hmmmm, yeah,
that would be nice."

"Great."

After renting a boat, Shinji rowed it slowly across the lake.

"Hey, Shinji?"

"Yes, Rei?"

"Why are you so shy?"

Because that was his one character trait that got carried over from the show?

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are. At school or with the gang you're much more
expressive," Rei mentioned, placing her hand on Shinji's knee.

"Well... I don't know. It's different when I'm alone with you."

"Why?" Rei asked, sliding her hand up Shinji's leg.

"I don't know, maybe because you're more forward when we're alone?"
Shinji suggested.

Shinji - master of the understatement.

Rei grinned. "Well, it's not really proper for me to be like this
in front of other people."

Shinji gulped and looked around nervously. "I guess that's true."

Rei carefully moved to sit next to Shinji and leaned up toward his
face. Shinji took the invitation and gave her a deep kiss. Shinji was
surprised when he felt Rei pull his hand up, slip it into her dress, and
rest it on top of her breast. He was so surprised that he broke the
kiss, but didn't bother to lower his hand from it's resting place on her
breast. He was a normal fourteen-year-old boy, after all.

"Don't stop now, Shinji."

"Sorry, you just surprised me."

Sure is generic in here.

"You do like girls, right?"

That's... debatable.

Shinji's jaw dropped. "Of course I do!" To prove it, Shinji
started to explore the breast with his fingers. In the absence of a bra,
Shinji had only the dress to hinder his view of Rei's beautiful breasts.

Rei smiled at Shinji's clumsy examination of her breasts. <Must be
his first time. Asuka must keep him at arms length. How does she think
she's ever going to land a guy if she doesn't put out?> she thought. To
give him a better view, she undid the first couple of buttons on her
dress.

Now, see, the problem with this part is that it's text and the author isn't very good at describing things, so his attempt at titillating the audience is going to be about as successful as a Neo-Nazi rally at a tabernacle.

Shinji grinned at the sight and returned his attention to her
breasts. "Beautiful."

The sounds of small waves crashing against the boat were all that
could be heard, except for a slight murmuring.

"Hey, Shinji?" Rei asked after several minutes.

"Yes?" he asked, his hands still in contemplation.

"Care for another pair of panties for your collection?" Rei asked,
winking.

Shinji gulped. "Sure."

Rei quickly re-buttoned her dress. She glanced around and then
raised the hem of her dress.

She'd have an easier time of it if she were wearing one of those magical anime skirts that go down the thigh about half an inch without revealing anything.

Shinji gulped, but took the invitation. He slid under the dress and
slowly reached for the panties

Rei let the dress fall and cover Shinji. She felt his trembling
hands pull on her panties. She rose on her palms to allow him to slip
them off. She shivered with excitement as she felt him pull them off.
Her excitement turned into surprise when she heard a voice call out
behind her.

"Rei? Are you okay out there?"

How delightfully predictable.

Rei looked over her shoulder and saw Asuka, Touji, Hikari, and
Kensuke all standing on the nearby shore. Apparently, the boat had
drifted closer to shore while she was 'distracted'. Rei pushed down on
Shinji's back to make sure he was out of view. She gasped in surprise as
his face was pushed into her lap, cutting off his breathing. Under
different circumstances, both of them would probably have enjoyed this,
but not with an audience. Trying to remain calm, she started to say,
"Yeah, Asuka. Just getting some..."

Her reply was cut off as Shinji desperately thrashed away from
Rei's lap in an attempt to breathe, and the boat tipped over sending
them both into the cold lake.

Oh, what hilarious hijinx!

After frantically swimming to the surface, Rei looked around. She
saw the overturned boat, but no sign of Shinji.

"Rei! Hang on!" Kensuke screamed and started to take off his shoes.

Rei looked back at the gang, then called out, "I'm fine! Don't
bother getting wet!" <They didn't seem to see Shinji, but I can't let
him drown,> she thought. "Ummm... just a second!" She dove under the
water and tried to spot any sign of Shinji. She was relieved to see his
legs under the capsized boat. She surfaced into the air pocket under the
boat. "Shinji, I'm glad you're okay."

"Did they see me?"

"I don't think so. I'd be best for them not to know about what we
were doing. Stay under here, I'll get them out of the area," Rei
instructed, then dove under the water again.

When she surfaced again, Hikari called out, "Why did you go under
again?"

"Lost a shoe!" Rei claimed, then swam to shore.

I'm sorry I don't have much to say, but really... what can I add? This is all just so... It's just... there.

Kensuke helped her out of the lake and blushed as he clearly saw
various parts of Rei's anatomy through the wet dress.

"Scheisse! Rei, cover up! We can see everything!" Asuka pleaded.
<It's a good thing Shinji isn't here... he'd drop dead at seeing a real
live breast,> Asuka thought, but would have been very surprised to find
out that Shinji was very much alive after doing more than just seeing
Rei's breasts.

"Rei, you should wear underwear with a thin dress like that,"
Kensuke commented.

Touji gaped at the sight. "She's a big girl... she can dress as
she wants."

"A big, big girl!"

Hikari bashed him with her purse and said, "Stop leering at her,
pervert!"

"The only perversion I'll tolerate from you is a giant robot fetish! Now get my Zaku vibrator!"

Kensuke gallantly removed his jacket and offered it to Rei.

"Thanks."

Asuka put her arm around the shivering girl. "What were you doing
out there anyway?"

"Just getting some sun," Rei replied, then casually walked away.
The gang followed.

Shinji surfaced and looked at the retreating kids. "That was too
close. I wonder why she's so afraid for the gang to know we were
together. Well, probably just because of what we were doing," Shinji
muttered as he swam to shore.

Or she's just ashamed to be with him.

As he walked home, he remembered Rei's panties were still in his
pocket. He pulled them out and smiled.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei lay naked under Shinji. He admired her curves with his eyes and
his hands. He drew closer to her.

"Oh god... you're my stallion!" Rei gasped.



Shinji felt a hand caressing his back. He looked back to see Asuka
start to nibble his back and could feel her breasts against his back.

"Don't forget to save some for me, lover," Asuka purred.

Oh, so it's another dream sequence. How I wish I could skip it.

Shinji was smiling broadly.

A group of naked women stood in an empty theater and examined the
naked boy standing in front of them. He was just staring off into space
with a broad grin on his face.

"Should we interrupt him?" Misato asked.

"No," Rei calmly insisted.

"Not much to say. At this point, his dreams and life must seem
pretty nice," Asuka pointed out.

So the real versions of Rei, Asuka, and Misato are commenting on Shinji's make-believe world, which is all taking place in some theater where they're inexplicably naked. Did I get that right?

"Does he really enjoy doing that sort of thing with me?" Rei
inquired.

"Apparently. Look at the erection on him!" Asuka exclaimed, looking
down at Shinji's lower regions. A slight grin crossed her face.

"Fascinating," Rei said softly.

I... what's left to say, really? Fuck the author, fuck this fic, fucking fuckity fuck. And what's sad is that the previous sentence contains a higher level of maturity, and required more thought to formulate, than the entirety of this chapter.

"Asuka, don't touch," Misato scolded.

Asuka dropped her hand. "I was just curious. Wait a second! Now I'm
in his dream too!"

"Fascinating."

Is that Rei's catchphrase now?

"I didn't think Shinji had it in him. There's no reason to bother
him now, after the earlier boat ride and now this dream he won't want to
reason with us," Misato declared.

"But he might want to try doing that with us," Rei said, her
natural curiosity aroused.

Oh, you fucker!

"Rei!" Misato and Asuka both gasped in surprise.

Rei blushed.

Shinji kept smiling broadly in the theater, in his dream, and in
his bathtub.

Oh, you double fucker!


[End - Garden of EVA 0:5 - Shinji Bites Back!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

Scheisse is German for shit.

NO, REALLY?

Just to make this clear, there are three places that events unfold in
Garden of EVA: The alternate world depicted in episode 26 (most of the
story takes place here), the empty theater where the Rei, Asuka, and
Misato in Shinji's mind help guide him in his contemplation of his
so-called 'perfect world', and the dreams of the alternate world's
Shinji. The Shinji from the alternate world has no knowledge of the
Shinji in the theater or the real Eva and Angels.

Well, it's nice that you're finally taking the time to explain these things. Now if only you could figure out how to include information in the text itself instead of info-dumping all over the end of each chapter.

I'd like to thank various FFML members and my pre-readers: Anthony
Pardilla, Karanoma, James Grabowski, Antookis, Arnold Callwood, David
Johnson, Jonathan Ng, Ryan Erik, Rex Yu, and Addison Godel. My
pre-readers help me avoid a MAJOR mistake in this part, thank you all.
Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (August 2, 1998)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (September 2, 1998)
Revision 0.2 - Second Pre-reader draft (September 6, 1998)
Revision 0.3 - FFML draft (September 21, 1998)
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (October 13, 1998)

I hate everything.


--------------------
Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

Go to the top of the page
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Post #6
Dr. O


witch doctor
********

Group: Members
Posts: 2,081
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From: Dawg City
Member No.: 434
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post Feb 20 2011, 04:53 PM
Yes, it's that time again.

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:6 - EVA Bites EVA!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:6 - EVA Bites EVA!

This... is a really bad sign.

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

Does the author just have a biting fetish? Is that it?

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

ßSpeech in eszetts is Klingon.ß

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
Short general warning: This fanfic contains spoilers, sex, various
sexual organs, bad language, 14-year-old hormones (actually... hormones
from a wide range of age groups), naked people, and various silly
warnings. You have been warned, repeatedly, and I really wish you'd get
it through your heads that this is a naughty fanfic! How many times do I
have to warn you anyway?
=======================================================================

Why would you keep using the same overly long disclaimer with only slight modifications? It's like the Groundhog Day of shit.

Just a reminder: Garden of EVA takes place within episode 26 of the
original Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. The events and continuity of
the Eva movies are not part of the Garden of EVA 'universe'.
=======================================================================

I'd rather watch two fans bicker over whether the TV ending and End of Evangelion are concurrent than read any more of this.

The red Eva Unit 02 bit into the neck of the purple EVA Unit 01.
Blood spurted everywhere as Asuka gorged on her hated enemy. After the
Eva was rendered immobile, Asuka used her progressive knife to slice the
head of the purple Eva off. Just to make sure it was dead, mind you.

She then nuked it from orbit, just to be sure.

"Ha! That'll teach you to grab my ass, you little bastard!" Asuka
called out. She pivoted her Eva out of the way just in time to avoid
being hit by an Angel that had been thrown at her by another Eva. "You
jackass!!"

The thrown Angel impacted against the side of a building and
exploded in a gush of dark red blood.

Which, coincidentally, is how Jackson Pollock's career started.

Asuka's Eva did a roll to the side and came up holding a large
rifle that had been lying on the ground. She sent a stream of bullets at
the Eva that had flung the Angel at her. The Eva withstood the volley of
bullets and used its jump jets to leap to the top of a building in a
single bound. Its purple cape fluttered in the wind as it took up a
mocking posture, revealing a fancy pattern on it's chest that looked
like a large 'S'. Since her bullets weren't getting through the enemy's
AT field, and actually seemed to be bouncing off, Asuka toggled her
rifle to launch mortar shells and lobbed a steady stream of shells at
the base of the building.

I was going to comment on how dumb it is to imply that mortars are direct fire weapons, but HOLY SHIT WHY IS THAT EVA SUPERMAN.

The enemy Eva couldn't respond fast enough and crashed to the
ground amid the rubble of the building it had been standing on.

Asuka grinned, but her grin was cut short as an Eva came up behind
her and sliced her Eva in half vertically. "Fuck. No fair!" she
bellowed, as her screen showed the two halves of her Eva falling apart
into a bloody mess. What was worse, she saw that the Eva that fell from
the building was still intact.

Hikari was having more luck with the swarm of Angels she was
hacking apart.

You know, it kind of runs counter to every single fight in the series to have multiple Angels show up at once, much less a "swarm" of them. Well, unless you count the DDR episode.

She used her progressive sword to cut into the core of
one of the attacking Angels and before it could explode, she spun around
and flung the Angel at a group of Angels that were attacking Touji. The
damaged Angel crashed into the group and bowled them over.

"Strike!" Hikari exclaimed. The ten Angels went up in smoke as the
ball-shaped Angel exploded.

I... there is just too much wrong with this. It's not even the bowling "joke" itself, but the fact that the Angels are only given description when required for lame slapstick. Also, fuck this fic.

"Thanks, sugar-muffin!" Touji called over the intercom.

"No problem, slick! You owe me for that one!" Hikari called back,
having her Eva Unit 05 wink at her boyfriend.



"Anything you... Hikari! Enemy at four o'clock!" Touji screamed
out.

"Darn!" Hikari exclaimed, then jumped backwards and held up her two
progressive swords. They impacted against the purple Eva that attacked
her, but didn't cause any damage. Hikari's Eva fell to the ground.

Such riveting action. I feel like I'm right there.
At least he's giving us a color instead of just saying "x number of Evas/Angels did some vague things and then exploded."

The purple Eva grinned, then thrust its arm down and drove its
progressive knife all the way through the stomach of Hikari's Eva.

Hikari kicked her attacker savagely, then pulled her Eva off the
ground. Since the knife that stabbed her was still embedded in the
ground, she had to pry herself off the blade. Various organs were left
behind after she managed to stagger to her feet. She glanced at her
damage display. "Not good," she muttered. She glanced around the
battlefield; grinning as she saw three purple Eva's, including the one
who had just stabbed her, in close proximity to each other. She slapped
her armor release control.

Armor... release... control... WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THAT?

The armor on her Eva fell off and revealed the naked female body
underneath. The wound in her Eva's stomach could now be seen clearly and
was bleeding profusely. What might have been her Eva's stomach was
hanging out of the wound. She ran towards the two Evas. Then to draw the
third nearer, she switched her intercom to general broadcast. "Come and
get this fine piece of ass if you can, boys!" she called out.



"Hikari, what are you doing!" Touji called out and started to move
his Eva towards her.

Hikari switched to the private channel again. "Just taking a few of
the enemy with me."

Touji stopped in his tracks. "Now I owe you big time!" he said,
just as the three Eva's surrounded Hikari's Eva.

The attacking Eva's pawed at the naked flesh. Their sexual fantasy
was interrupted when Hikari's Eva self-destructed and incinerated a
large portion of the battlefield.

"Sexual fantasy!?" IT IS A GIANT CYBORG ANGEL CLONE WITH AN OPEN GUT WOUND. I mean, I know there are people somewhere, somehow, who get off on that, but why would you even... Its stomach is hanging out of a gaping hole.

Touji confirmed that two Eva's were destroyed in the explosion. He
followed the third's trajectory through its path across the sky and
chased it down. To avenge his girlfriend's death, he extended his
flexible arms and caught the Eva. He proceeded to repeatedly pound the
Eva against the side of a building. Finally the building collapsed and
crushed the Eva under it. Touji tried to pull his arms back, but they
were trapped. "God damn!" he screamed. The enemy Eva exploded and sent
Touji flying backwards.

Why is everyone flying around like Team Rocket? You know there are better ways to write fight scenes, don't you? Of coruse you don't you shit-raping asscunt.

Touji tried to look down at the arms of his Eva and saw that he
didn't have them anymore. "Fuck, how can I fight without arms!" he
cursed. He was so busy looking at his bloody stumps that he missed
seeing the Angel that cut his Eva's head off.

-E- -V- -A-

"Kensuke, enemy to your right," Rei calmly said.

"Got it!"

How is this still going? There was a scene change. As in, the old shitty scene ended and a new shitty one began.

Rei twisted her Eva Unit 00 to the left and went after three purple
Eva's that were surrounding a single red Eva. The Eva's red armor fell
off and revealed the naked female body underneath. <What are you doing,
Hikari?> she thought.

Why is it red now? Why are we just finding this out now? Why is everything in this story so fucking stupid?

As she ran towards the group, she grabbed a rifle from an
ammunition building and took aim. Just before she squeezed the trigger,
she was blindsided by an Angel. "Damn, where the fuck did this one come
from," she swore as she double-checked her tactical display. <Invisible
on the display, huh? Clever trick, Mom.>

Rei doesn't know that all you have to do is crouch and the motion sensor can't track you.

The Angel drooled over her Eva's arm, causing the veins to mutate
into a plant like fungus and creep up towards the Eva's body.

"Shit!" Rei frantically keyed in the command to sever her arm. She
then hopped backwards and raised the gun she was holding in her other
arm. She fired and the Angel was blasted backwards. Rei drew her
progressive knife, jumped on top of the Angel, and then took great joy
in gutting it. After slicing into the Angel's gut, she located the core
and drove the knife through it. The Angel's inhuman scream sent shivers
down Rei's spine. <I'll never forgive my mom for using my snoring for
the screams in this game. Even distorted, it makes me cringe.>

Ha... Ha... H-I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

Rei got up from the disemboweled Angel and looked to where she had
seen Hikari seconds earlier. Before she could do anything else, Hikari's
Eva exploded and Rei was thrown backwards by the force of the blast.
Unit 00 got back to its feet and Rei scanned for more enemies. She
glimpsed Shinji in his red Unit 01 across the battlefield just before
his two attackers sliced off his head. The two purple Evas started to
cut into the beheaded corpse's stomach and took turns chewing on the
flesh. <Going after his S2 engine for the extra power. Waste of time,
boys.> Rei started to go after the two cannibals, but then saw Kensuke's
situation.

Unit 01 is red? What? Then again, I guess it's no surprise that the author is as bad at keeping track of colors as he is at comedy, character-building, consistency, and everyfuckingthing else.

Kensuke's Eva was bleeding from multiple stab wounds and
grappling with two purple Evas. One of them aimed a long progressive
sword at Kensuke's neck. Before it could slice Kensuke's head off, Rei
landed a kick and knocked it out of the way.

Taking advantage of the distraction, Kensuke used his Unit 10 to
bite the neck of the other attacking Eva. The Eva screamed in pain, but
was silenced when Kensuke bit again and this time managed to sever the
head. Kensuke grinned, but quickly checked to see how Rei was.

"Character did x and saw y character fighting z number of purple Evas in their red Eva. Stuff happened. The purple Evas were destroyed. Something or other was blown away."
TTLY ORIGINAL COPEERITE JIM LAZAR!!1!1!!!!!

Rei lay under the enemy Eva and held back the sword that was aimed
at her head. With only one arm, Rei couldn't get any leverage to throw
her attacker off of her. Her remaining arm started to bleed as the sword
cut into her flesh.

Kensuke grabbed a gun from a nearby building and fired a volley at
Rei's attacker. It was hit dead on and it disintegrated into tiny pieces
of flesh and metal.

What, we don't get to find out what color the gun is? That seems to be the only physical description we've gotten for anything so far.

"Thanks, Kensuke. Any more enemies?" Rei asked.

"Um, two more are busy eating Shinji's remains. That's all I have
on the scope," Kensuke said, after checking his tactical display.

"Okay, let's avenge Shinji's death!" Rei declared. <No way can
anyone else eat my Shinji!> she added to herself.

HAHAHA IT'S FUNNY BECAUSE P@"I$GRKWEVIHIG$}>PL{:"PDVGFE+A

"Right!"

Moving in unison the two red Evas swung around to opposite sides
and advanced on the two remaining purple Evas. Rei grabbed a long
progressive sword off her last attacker on the way. It wasn't like he
would need it anymore.

You know, some creativity with the weapons could help. I'm not asking for hyper-detailed stuff, but something better than "gun" or "sword" would be nice.

Rei calmly laid out her plan as the two battered red Evas lumbered
towards the two remaining purple units. "It'll be up to you after they
dismember me. Okay?" she asked after explaining her plan.

"Okay." Kensuke picked up two fresh rifles and held one in each
hand. "For all my friends that have died, I shall kill you!" he screamed
and let the bullets fly.

"In the name of the moon!"

Rei smirked at his comment. <Kensuke really gets into on this game.
I wonder...> She let her thought trail off as she neared the enemy.

The two purple units stopped trying to reach Shinji's S2 engine and
looked up at their attackers. They brought their own weapons to bear on
Kensuke's Eva just as Rei jumped them from behind.

Why does Unit 01 have an S2 engine? Evas normally don't have those, and the one that did exploded.

Rei quickly sliced one of the Evas in two and brought the sword
back to decapitate the other, but her swing was cut short as the
remaining Eva sliced off her last arm with a sweep of one of its
progressive arm blades. Rei winced in pain as she saw the arm fall,
followed by other parts of her Eva's anatomy before her controls went
dead. <What sickos! They didn't need to slice off the boobs on my Eva!!!
>

Subtlety, how the fuck does it work?
Also what the fuck Evas with boobs.

Kensuke quickly finished the last purple Eva by blasting it with
his two rifles. "Ha! That's teach you to be more interested in a pair of
boobs than defeating your enemy!"

Kensuke knows what the really important things in life are.

Kensuke grinned as his displays went dead. He crawled out of his
entry plug and smiled at the gang. "Yes! Am I good or what!"

Shinji was the first to high five him. "Nice going, Kensuke!!"

He was then slapped and hugged by the rest of his teammates. When
she hugged him, Rei confirmed that Kensuke did in fact get REALLY
excited when he played Eva.

Uh...

"Number one Eva team in Tokyo-3!" Touji exclaimed as the triumphant
gang walked out of the game area.

-E- -V- -A-

"Okay, the purple 'Eva Maimers' lost to the red 'Dark Eva Knights',
so the 'Dark Eva Knights' will represent Tokyo-3 in the all-Japan
championship Eva matches!!" a woman declared from the front of the
briefing area. The spectators started cheering and clapping, except for
the losing team of course.

Wait, so they were in a tournament and each team was color-coded? Oh. Ohhhh... You know, this would've been a bit more readable if you'd JUST SAID THAT EARLIER, YOU COCKNUT.

Shinji and the gang congratulated themselves again.

"No fair! We want a rematch!" a small geeky boy cried out. Asuka
noticed that he was the same little brat who had grabbed her ass before
the game started.

"Nope! We won fair and square!" Rei replied.

Asuka proudly stood up on a chair and yelled back, "If you'd have
been more interested in winning than in slicing off Rei's boobs, you
might have been able to win, buttholes!!"

Not only is Asuka the height of maturity, but she has also mastered the most devastating insult known to man.

"Bitch!"

That was all Asuka needed to set her off. She leapt at the geek and
kicked him in his groin. Shinji and Touji grabbed Asuka and kept her
from killing the boy. The boy was still clutching his groin in pain when
his friends dragged him away

They also gave Asuka a good talking-to about her habit of wearing steel-toed boots.

After the boys had left, Asuka smiled. "Little boys are so
troublesome."

"Even with eight of them against us six we beat them!" Hikari
exclaimed proudly.

That doesn't seem quite fair.

"Well, the two drones they put on our team helped," Shinji inisted.

I know that in all competitive videogaming I've seen, substituting AI for human players is considered completely fair and balanced. Also, what was the point of the competition? Was the objective to destroy the other team? If so, then why were there Angels all over? Was it point-based?
Oh, screw it, we all know the dumbfuck author's just going to move on to more cock jokes.

"For the first thirty seconds before they were vaporized, you
mean," Touji remarked.

"Yeah."

"You guys are the greatest bunch of Eva pilots I've ever played
with! The idiots I played with down in Osaka-2 were more interesting in
scoring with me than playing the game," Rei said.

"And they did plenty of both, believe you me."

Shinji gulped.

"Well that last team were just a huge bunch of perverts. They must
play the sex cheat version all the time," Hikari said.

So, has the author decided yet whether Hikari is a prude or a twisted deviant? No? That's what I thought.

"You sure used their perversion to beat them," Touji said, putting
his arm around Hikari.

"Well, what do you expect from hormone driven thirteen-year-olds?"
Hikari quipped.

Everyone chuckled as they picked up their winner's packages. "This
is going to be great! We get to play the best Eva pilots in Japan in the
championships!" Kensuke said as they left the game center. He pulled out
the small Eva trophy from his package and wiped a smudge off its shiny
surface.

"Yup, but it's going to be rough. I know a couple of the other
teams and they won't be distracted by a couple of virtual reality
boobs," Rei mentioned.

It's a team composed entirely of gays and asexuals. Chris-chan's worst nightmare!

"What about real boobs?" Touji suggested. Hikari glared at him so
he quickly shut up.

"Well, the 'Maidenly Eva Dykes' might be interested," Rei remarked,
grinning broadly.

Wait, no, I was just joking.

Kensuke continued to look through his winner's package while they
walked to the food court to pig out on junk food. The disk with the
replay of the last match was in there, scoring sheets for the game, a
certificate listing them as the best Tokyo team of 2015, and information
on the championship matches in Osaka-2, including plane tickets and
hotel reservations. <This is going to be a great trip!>

Spoiler: no it won't.

-E- -V- -A-

After pigging out at the food court, the gang was walking home.
Hikari and Touji were actually holding hands, since Touji hadn't said
anything to piss of Hikari today... yet. Kensuke and Asuka were in the
middle, while Rei and Shinji brought up the rear.

"Rei. Want to come over? My mom probably isn't home," Shinji
whispered to Rei.

Rei smiled and whispered back, "That'd be great. I've been hoping
we could get together after the boat fiasco last week."

Why bother? They'll just get interrupted by some frustratingly predictable/unfunny hijinks.

"Great! We can watch TV or play a game." This stopped Rei in her
tracks. "What's wrong?" Shinji asked softly.

"Nothing. It'd be fun to spend some time with you alone," Rei said.
She knew that they'd just end up fooling around in his bedroom, but a
part of her got excited at the prospect of doing something alone with
Shinji other than sex.

Shinji? Exciting? Rrrriiiight...

"Great, we'll slip away from the gang then," Shinji replied.

"Hey, Shinji?"

Startled, Shinji looked forward. "Yes, Asuka?"

"Your parents are out tonight, right?"

"Um, yeah."

"Great! Let's all go over to your place and celebrate our win!!"

What a totally unpredictable and refreshing plot twist.

"Well..." Shinji trailed off and avoided looking at Rei.

Touji and Kensuke started chanting, "PARTY! PARTY!"

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

"Got something better to do?" Asuka asked, although she knew the
answer already. She knew that Shinji couldn't possibly have anything
better to do than spend time with her and the rest of the gang. <He's
such a boring little boy sometimes. I wish...> Her thought was cut off
when Shinji answered her.

"No. I guess that'd be fine," Shinji reluctantly said. Cheers went
up from everyone except Rei and Shinji. Shinji glanced back at Rei and
mouthed 'sorry'.

Rei just smiled weakly and shrugged her shoulders in resignation.
There was always tomorrow.

I think she just dodged a bullet, albeit completely unintentionally.

-E- -V- -A-

The party had only started an hour ago and the Ikari apartment was
already a mess. The gang was all kneeling, sitting, and laying around in
a rough circle. Empty pizza boxes, bags of chips, soda cans, and a bra
could be seen lying on the floor.

Oh, the implied wackiness! How hilarious!

"Still can't believe you could take off your bra without removing
your dress, Hikari," Touji muttered.

"You just wanted to see my breasts," Hikari said, not saying
'again' in front of the gang.

Well, duh.

"Well, duh..."

I JUST SAID THAT.

"Fine. Come on," Hikari instructed, grabbing her previously
discarded bra and pulling Touji out of the family room. The rest of the
gang all whistled and made catcalls.

"I wonder if Hikari's finally going to let Touji into her panties?"
Asuka asked.

That sentence is not a question. Why does it end in a question mark.

"Well, according to Touji, he's already had her several times,"
Kensuke mentioned.

"Not a chance, Hikari would have told me if she'd been deflowered.
We promised each other we'd tell each other when that happened," Asuka
said.

Wow. That is unbelievably creepy.

"When did you lose yours?" Kensuke asked accidentally.

Asuka jumped to her feet and glared menacingly at Kensuke.
"Affenschwanz!! I'll have you know I am as pure as the driven snow! My
virginal folds have not been touched by any man!" Asuka proclaimed her
purity at the top of her lungs. Kensuke was in the corner, cowering in
terror.

"Virginal folds?" Do people actually talk like this?

"What about a woman?" Rei asked from behind her and then startled
to chuckle.

Asuka blushed as she realized what she had just yelled out.

"That was kind of mean, Kensuke," Shinji mentioned.

"Err...it was an accident. Sometimes I forget that Asuka's a girl,"
Kensuke mumbled, blushing.

His corpse was found in a ditch the next morning.

"Just one of the guys, huh?" Rei quipped, chuckling.

Kensuke was saved from being maimed by Asuka when Touji and Hikari
came back into the family room. Touji was smiling broadly.

"How much did she show you?" Shinji asked Touji.

"Shinji! I'd never discuss such things in public!" Touji insisted,
then sat down between Shinji and Kensuke. He quickly whispered,
"Everything." He winked at them.

Showing doesn't really mean much on its own. Well, other than blue balls, but that's not really something to be proud of.

Shinji looked briefly at Rei, who was talking with Asuka and
Hikari. <Wish I could talk about Rei and me. Have to get her to tell me
why she's so afraid that the gang will find out about our relationship,>
he thought to himself. Then he started to wonder exactly what their
relationship was. <Girlfriend? She seems more interested in sex, than
being my girlfriend. Not that I'm complaining, but I'd like to think she
likes me for more than my mighty oak.>


I'll stop making the WoodMan jokes when he stops saying "mighty oak."

While Shinji was trying to figure out his life and pumping up his
ego (among other things), the others were trying to find a game to play.
"Spin the bottle?" Kensuke suggested, then blushed.

"No, Poker... a man's game!" Touji insisted. <I'll turn it into
strip poker after a few hands,> he thought, chuckling to himself.

"Well, how about strip poker?" Rei offered, saving Touji the
trouble of guiding the game in that direction.

The boredom interspersed with moments of blinding rage... It's just like watching Haruhi Suzumiya!

"Hmmmm, That's even better," Touji remarked, as if it never
occurred to him before. No one in the room was fooled.

"Mein God! Shinji wouldn't last five seconds if he saw this
beautiful body!" Asuka insisted.

"I doubt you have anything that I haven't seen," Shinji shot back
at Asuka.

"Those smutty magazines you have aren't as good as the real thing."

"You're right."

The height of wit.

Asuka had no comeback to Shinji's remark. <Has he seen a real naked
girl? Naw... Shin-boy doesn't have it in him,> she thought, trying to
read his expression.

"Well, who's game?" Rei asked.

Shinji and Touji agreed right away. Asuka and Hikari huddled
together. "Hikari, how are you at poker?" Asuka whispered.

"Fair. My dad taught me during one of his attempts to spend some
'quality time' with his daughters."

That has all kinds of implications I don't want to think about.

"Think we can get these boys buck-naked?"

"Probably, if we work together," Hikari whispered, then winked.

Asuka looked up at the gang and said, "Okay, but first one to make
any vile comments loses all their clothes at once."

"That'll keep Touji quiet," Hikari commented, giggling. Everyone
except Touji joined in the laughter.

"Um, I'm not sure about this," Kensuke said, looking shyly at the
ground.

"Hey, Kensuke, don't worry about it! We're all friends here!" Asuka
insisted.

While patting her Luger.

"It's just an innocent game, Kensuke. Doesn't mean anything," Rei
said softly.

An innocent game where the loser strips naked.


Touji slapped his friend on the back. "Yeah! Be a man!"

Not wanting to be left out, Kensuke finally agreed. The gang
started to set the rules for their little 'innocent' game of strip
poker.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei was naked. Asuka was naked. Shinji was naked. Misato was naked.
Misato?

What else is new?

"So what is the horny little bastard doing to Rei now?" Asuka said,
walking across the theater floor towards the group.

"Playing a game of strip poker with the gang," Misato informed
Asuka as the girl rejoined the group.

Where would she go? They're in a theater that exists as some kind of manifestation of... something.

"Really? I used to tease the boys back in Germany by playing it
with them. I always won." Asuka grinned broadly. "I tried to get Kaji to
play with me, but he always put me off." She frowned at the thought.
Misato quickly echoed the frown.

"It's a very complicated game," Rei mentioned, perplexed.

"Huh?"

"The goal is to keep your clothes, but Touji seems to be enjoying
it every time he has to remove a piece."

Asuka chuckled. "Well, Touji is what we like to call an
exhibitionist. The little pervert flashed me the first time we met."

"Flashed?"

"Pulled his pants down."

Yes, yes, I saw that episode. You can stop recapping it for us.

"Oh," Rei said softly, paused a second then asked, "Why?"

"Probably thought I'd get excited over seeing his dick."

"Dick?"

sigh...

"Misato, you want to explain that to her?"

"Nope, you're doing so well," Misato said, smiling.

Asuka sighed. "That," she said, pointing at the item in question on
Shinji's body, who was standing naked in front of her.

"Oh, the male reproductive organ. Is seeing a penis supposed to be
exciting?"

When did Rei turn into Data? Is she going to start making paintings?

"Men like to think it's god's gift to women."

"How can something on a man be a gift to women?"

"Misato?" Asuka pleaded.

"Nope. You started this conversation, you can finish it," Misato
said, smirking.

Or she could ignore Rei.

"Mind you, I am a virgin myself," Asuka said, briefly glancing at
Misato before continuing, "but when a man and a woman want to have a
baby they get together and..."

"Oh, sexual reproduction. I know all about that."

"My positronic brain has a considerable repository of information regarding the act of copulation."

"WHAT! Have you and Shinji..." Asuka let her question trail off not
really wanting to know if they did.

"No."

"How do you know about it then?" Asuka asked, hoping that it didn't
involve Shinji's dad. That would be very... disturbing.

"I've read all about it. It sounds like a.... pleasurable
experience."

"Oh, it is," Misato murmured, lost in a memory. She didn't notice
Asuka's glare.

"So why doesn't Shinji do it with us?"

<That's the second time she's expressed interest in that, why?>
Asuka thought, then said, "Well, usually you do it with someone you
love."

"What is love?"



Asuka and Misato shook their heads sadly. This was going to take a
while, but it wasn't like they had anything better to do. Third Impact
had effectively put an end to the concept of time.

-E- -V- -A-

After several hands of poker, Shinji and Touji had lost their socks
and shirt. Rei was down to her skirt, bra and panties. Hikari was just
missing her socks. Asuka was down to her bra and panties.

"I don't think I like this game anymore," Asuka said, arms crossed
across her chest.

See, it's funny because of the irony. Except it's not funny at all. Which, oddly enough, is itself ironic.

"You're just saying that because you're losing," Touji said,
looking at the crappy cards he had in his hand.

"You and Shinji are down to two pieces, just like I am!" Asuka
insisted.

"Yes, but after the next piece we get to see those perky boobs of
yours," Touji said, smirking.

"Vile comment!"

Hikari shook her head sadly, she knew from the beginning that he
would eventually say something vile. It was only a matter of when.
"She's right, that was vile."

"Damn, didn't sound vile to me."

"It was, Touji. You know the rules," Rei said.

Hikari looked over at Rei. <Does she want to see my guy naked?>

For someone who loves cybersex so much, you'd think she wouldn't be so paranoid about strip poker.

Touji jumped to his feet whipped off his pants and underwear. He
started strutting around and making he-man poses. Everyone looked away
in various stages of embarrassment and disgust.

Hikari put her head into her hands. "You don't have to be so happy
about it," she mumbled. <It's not like he hasn't flashed everyone here
at one time or another. Although Rei has never seen it,> she thought,
then glanced at Rei, who was just looking around casually. <Good, she's
not interested in my guy at least. Maybe I should fix her up with
someone? She looked a little lonely when we saw her alone in the park
last week.>

iro·ny noun
3 a (1) : incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result (2) : an event or result marked by such incongruity
b : incongruity between a situation developed in a drama and the accompanying words or actions that is understood by the audience but not by the characters in the play —called also dramatic irony, tragic irony

-E- -V- -A-

Back in the theater, Asuka was sitting on the floor with her head
in her hands and sobbing gently.

"So when two people love each other they fuck each other?" Rei
asked, trying to clarify what Asuka had told her.

I know it's cliche, but why am I doing this? There are so many other things I could be doing right now. I have a copy of The Historical Atlas of World War II sitting next to me, and earlier today I broke the scripting in Call of Pripyat. But instead I'm sifting through this clusterfuck. Why?

"That's one way to put it. Although you don't have to be in love to
have sex."

"So what purpose does love serve then?"

"Misato, you're the so-called ADULT here, why don't you explain
this to Rei?!" Asuka pleaded.

"But, Asuka, you're doing such a good job," Misato said, smiling
broadly.

A thought struck Asuka and she grinned triumphantly. "I don't know,
Rei, I've never really been in love."

I guess narcissism doesn't count.

"Oh. How about you, Misato?" Rei turned to the older woman.

Misato's smile diminished. <Nice move, Asuka.> "Well, Rei. Love and
sex are different things, but when combined they allow two people to get
closer."

"I see. So to get closer to Shinji, I should have sex with him."

Yes. That is exactly how it works.

Asuka and Misato grimaced. "Well, usually it's better to get to
know a person first and find out your feelings before you have sex with
them," Misato explained.

"And then have sex?"

"Yes, if you feel you love the person," Misato said, hopping the
conversation would end soon.

"I see," Rei said, looking downward. She thought for a few seconds,
then looked up at the other women. "So, when Shinji touched my breast
and got all flustered it was because he didn't love me?"

"In his perfect world? He didn't get that flustered, he seemed to
enjoy it," Asuka mentioned. <The little pervert.>

"No, in our old world."

"He touched your breast! That pervert!" Asuka bellowed and whacked
Shinji on the back of his head, who was still standing naked in front of
her.

I'm sorry, but I'm just running out of commentary here. What more can be said? This is just... At best it's there, and at worst it's thoroughly, mind-bendingly awful. There are only so many times I can insult the author before it gets old.

"Ouch!" What did you do that for?" Shinji asked, coming out of his
trance and rubbing his head.

"For molesting Rei!"

"Huh? She's the one who put my hand on her breast when we took the
boat ride," Shinji explained, confused. "And it's not like I can do
anything during the poker game."

"Not in your stupid fantasy world... in our old world!"

Most of the time I like fiction with multiple layers of reality. It can serve as a useful framing device and adds a new dimension to the story. But here, it's just used for juvenile adolescent sexual misunderstandings in as many planes of reality as possible. It's like a Russian nesting doll made out of shit.

"Wha... oh, that was just an accident," Shinji explained, then
blushed at the memory.

Rei interrupted. "It was. He was delivering my new ID badge and
stumbled onto me after seeing me come out of the shower naked."

"That sounds like Shinji."

"Hey!" Shinji snapped.

"Okay, go back to your little game, Shin-boy," Asuka said,
dismissing him.

Shinji glared at Asuka, but then turned away from her and stared
off into space, returning to his contemplation of his so-called perfect
world.

I think this may be the first time in this fic when "contemplation," or some variation thereof, hasn't been used as a euphemism for masturbation.
Fuck I hate this.

"Come to think of it... the touch of his hand on my breast was....
pleasurable," Rei said, recalling the memory from her second body. "Very
pleasurable."

"Rei, you really have to get out more. You know... get a boyfriend
and loosen up," Asuka commented, forgetting about Third Impact for a
moment. Being able to forget about it, even briefly, gave her a brief
moment of happiness.

Unfortunately, Rei brought her back to the reality of their
situation. "I believe Third Impact has removed the chance of me meeting
anyone new," she said softly. She cursed Gendou Ikari for making her his
puppet, but what choice did she have?

What? The whole point of Third Impact and Instrumentality was that barriers between minds would be removed, destroying individuality and merging humanity into a collective consciousness. And she's complaining about not meeting anyone new? That's like saying, "the problem with fundamentalist Islam is all the hardcore feminism!"

Asuka and Misato frowned. "Good point."

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka was covering her breasts and lap with her arms. The last two
hands had gone badly for her. Very badly. "How am I going to get out of
here naked!" she cried.

Kensuke, still fully clothed, just sat and avoided looking in
Asuka's direction. He had already seen everything when Asuka had removed
her bra and panties anyway, but the gentleman in him insisted on looking
away now. Occasionally, when the fourteen-year-old boy in him took over,
he would glance at her.

Though he knew that his true love would always be Evangelion Unit 10.

Hikari was sitting in her skirt, bra, and panties.

Rei was down to her bra and panties. <Not bad, if she ever decides
to pursue Shinji, she'll give me a run for my money,> she thought,
appraising her competition.

Shinji was sitting across from Asuka and couldn't pull his eyes
from her naked body. Not that he tried, mind you. <She's a natural
redhead after all,> was all his mind was able to consciously think. His
unconscious mind was busy sending hormones to various parts of his body.

Why is he so fascinated with pubic hair? That seems like a pretty marginal fetish, if you ask me.

"If Shinji is done leering at me, can I get dressed?" Asuka asked,
blushing with embarrassment.

"I'm not leering at you!" Shinji insisted, but didn't bother to
look away.

<Damn, maybe I shouldn't have suggested this game. He's looking a
little too much at her. I'll have to get him alone soon,> Rei thought,
appraising Shinji's reaction. <Although, I can't blame him. She's got a
beautiful body.>

"Okay, that's enough guys. You've seen it all. Let's let her get
dressed now," Hikari said, trying to help her best friend out.

"Well, she has to win a hand to get them back, doesn't she?" Touji
inquired. "I mean that's what I've been trying to do for the last nine
hands." He neglected to mention that he was discarding his good cards so
he could let the girls enjoy him in all his mighty majesty for as long
as possible.

CARVED FROM THE MIGHTY-
Oh... Sorry.

Hikari looked at her naked friend. "Sorry, Asuka, that is what we
agreed to at the beginning," she said, slipping in front of Asuka to
help hide her.


"Okay, fine. Deal!" Asuka snapped.

The cards were dealt. Asuka smiled as she saw the three kings in
her hand. She discarded the other two cards.

Rei saw Asuka's reaction. <Not much of a poker face. Well, that's
why she's naked now. She appraised the other players and suspected that
Touji wouldn't be winning back any clothes in this hand. She looked at
her cards. A king and a pair of tens were her best cards. She discarded
the other two.

The others all discarded two or three cards each, while Touji
discarded all five of his. Then the moment of truth came. Rei got
another ten, making three of a kind. She smiled.

Asuka got a three and a five. No help.

Touji got a pair of twos and actually smiled in triumph.

I am so glad to know which cards each character got. It's like that one show that was centered around children's trading cards, only that was more dignified.

The cards were laid down. Shinji had queen high and lost. He
slipped out of his pants, leaving him with just his shorts. Kensuke won
with a straight.

"Damn, can we please deal again?" Asuka pleaded, holding her arms
across her breasts.

"Ok, how about one more hand? The loser has to remove all his or
her clothes and kiss the winner," Rei suggested.

"What about the two who are already naked?" Kensuke asked, taking
another look at Asuka.

"How about this... we all write down an action on a piece of paper
and the loser has to pick one and do it," Hikari suggested.

"Seems fair."

Well, this could be potentially disastrous.

"But they have to get naked first, no matter what," Touji insisted.

Everyone agreed, some more reluctantly than others. The actions
were written up and placed in a bowl. The cards were dealt.

Touji lost and Rei won. Touji reached over and picked an action.
"Walk home naked," he read. "Shit. I'll get arrested."

"Not if you're careful. Have a nice night, Honey," Hikari said,
chuckling.

"You wrote this one, Hikari?" Touji asked. Hikari just smiled.

But remember, references to "perky breasts" are vile and unacceptable!
Come on, at least try to keep your characters from switching characterizations within the same scene.

"I wonder if he'll make it home without getting arrested?" Kensuke
wondered, watching Touji make his way to the front door.

"Well, I guess that's it. My parents will be home soon, we'd better
wrap this up."

"One more hand," Rei insisted.

"Okay, one more. Are you okay, Asuka?" Shinji asked.

"Yes, just freakin' dandy. I've always wanted to sit around naked
with my friends," Asuka said, sarcastically. "Just deal."

"You have nothing to be embarrassed about," Shinji commented,
taking a lingering look at Asuka.

"You're spending WAY too much time with Touji, Shinji," Hikari
commented.

While secretly hopeful for a giant robot threesome, no doubt.

Shinji just grunted and dealt the cards. Rei's face didn't betray
the awful hand she was dealt. Asuka's eyes lit up at the two aces and
two queens she received. The others had varied hands, but Rei couldn't
quite read their expressions. Rei discarded her three lowest cards and
ended up with a pair of jacks. Shinji and Kensuke both ended up with two
pairs, Hikari had three nines, and Asuka pulled another queen, making a
full house.

Asuka was very happy when she saw that she won and looked around
for her clothes.

"Shit," Rei muttered as she realized that she lost. She reached
behind her back, undid her bra, and let it fall off her chest. Then she
slipped her panties off.

Kensuke now had to divide his attention between not looking at
Asuka and not looking at Rei.

Shinji quickly turned over onto his stomach to avoid something from
peeking out of his shorts.

Would that "something" be his...

MIGHTY OAK!

"Okay, Wondergirl, pick an action so we can all get dressed."

"Okay," Rei said, then reached into the bowl. "Kiss the winner."
She glanced over at Asuka.

All things considered, that's woefully unimaginative.

"Err, maybe you should pick another one," Asuka said, sliding back
a bit from Rei.

"Rules are rules," Rei calmly said, then slid next to Asuka.

"Really, Rei, you don't have to," Asuka said, waving her hands in
front of her.

"Are you scared?" Rei said and started to slide away.

Asuka fumed. Scared? Her? Never! It was just a girl. Wouldn't count
as her first kiss. Right? "You asked for it!" she screamed and slid over
to Rei. <She'll chicken out before I will.>

You see, it's funny because lesbians.

Kensuke and Shinji just looked on amazed as Asuka neared Rei, who
had stopped backing away.

"Asuka! You don't have too!" Hikari insisted, knowing that her
friend was just too headstrong for her own good.

"Never let it be said that Asuka Langley Sohryu backs down from
anything!" Asuka declared, moving closer to Rei, who just remained in
position. Asuka knew that Rei would chicken out before their lips
touched, so she kept slowly advancing on Rei.

The anticipation of the kiss made Shinji and Kensuke very, shall we
say, aroused?

OK, that's not even innuendo. It's like, "then they, shall we say, had sex?"

Rei finally just shrugged and leaned over and gave Asuka a short
kiss on the lips. Not a peck, but not an extended kiss either. Kensuke
suddenly developed a nosebleed. Shinji gasped in astonishment and
realized that he'd have to clean the floor mat he was laying on.

"I swear this has never happened before!"

After Rei drew back from Asuka, she calmly stood up and slowly
started to redress. Everyone else was speechless.

After what seemed like an eternity, Asuka jumped up and ran to the
bathroom. Tears could be seen dripping from her eyes. Hikari grabbed her
and Asuka's clothes and ran after the naked girl. She looked around
briefly and glanced at Rei, who was still calmly dressing.

"Um, I'll see you in school," Kensuke mumbled. He got up and made
his way quickly to the door.

"Rei? I'm not sure you should have done that," Shinji said.

Rei pulled her dress on and looked over at Shinji, who still hadn't
moved from his position on the floor. "Why? It was all part of the
game."

"Well, I don't think Asuka likes women in that way."

She doesn't particularly like anything.

"Neither do I, I was just curious. I enjoying kissing you more,"
Rei said, then leaned over and gave Shinji a long kiss to prove it. "We
really have to get some time alone, Shinji. Shame to waste you on the
floor." She winked and made her exit.

Shinji blushed and jumped to his feet, covered the spot on the
floor and ran to his room to get some clean underwear.

I could have done without that.

-E- -V- -A-

In a park near his home, Touji looked up from behind a bush. Not
seeing anyone, he jumped up and made a mad dash towards his next hiding
place. He jumped over the high bush and crashed into a young couple who
was wearing the same thing he was. Nothing.

"Oops... sorry," Touji gasped. Then his jaw dropped to the ground,
bored through the Earth, and emerged in the United States. "Mis...
saaa... tooo?"

Which was rather difficult to say, given his lack of a jaw.

Misato looked up from underneath her boyfriend. "Touji? What...
err... why are you naked?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Touji grinned and started to
drool onto Kaji's back.

Misato drew Kaji on top of herself to hide her ample proportions
from Touji's view. Of course, Kaji was more than pleased to provide this
service. "Misato, would you care to introduce us?" he calmly asked.

"Err... Kaji, this is one of my students, Touji Suzuhara."

"First that Shinji kid and now this one. Do your students always
run around naked?"

She must be rubbing off on them.

<Shinji? When did they see Shinji naked?> Touji thought, trying to
look around Kaji's back.

"Not in school, they don't. Well... once last year the entire male
student body streaked through my classroom, but not this year. Touji,
please go someplace else. We'd... like to finish without an audience."

"Um, sure, Misato. See you in school tomorrow," Touji said, getting
up and leaning over to get one last look at Misato.

Before Touji disappeared into the night, Misato said, "And I'd
appreciate it if you didn't talk about this with anyone."

Yeah, she has her digni- Ahahahaha, who am I kidding?

"Sure." Touji made his way to the next group of bushes. <I'll have
to call Kensuke and Shinji as soon as I get home,> he thought, a big
grin appearing on his face.

"Your students have a nasty habit of interrupting us."

You're in a public park. What do you expect?

"Yes, and for some reason they always seem to be naked when they
do."

"Well, what can you expect from horny fourteen-year olds?" Kaji
said, then slid back on top of Misato and resumed his interrupted
activity.


[End - Garden of EVA 0:6 - EVA Bites EVA!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

Affenschwanz is German for fool, idiot, monkey-dick (at least according
to my German swear words web reference).

Du bist ein Idiot.

I'd like to thank various FFML members and my pre-readers: Arnold
Callwood, Anthony Pardilla, David Johnson, James Mackey, Lonewolf,
Zachary Mullone, Thomas Kinnen, Natsume Atsuko, Chris Jones, Addison
Godel, Rex Yu, Justin Baugh, Zachary Mullone, Jonathan Ng, and James
Grabowski. I'd also like to thank Knight Productions for a MST of Garden
of EVA 0:6 (my first MST). Every little bit of commentary helps make
these stories their best. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched
characters are my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (August 19, 1998)
Revision 0.3 - Pre-reader draft (October 13, 1998)
Revision 0.4 - Second pre-reader draft (October 24, 1998)
Revision 0.5 - FFML draft (October 28, 1998)
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (November 16, 1998)

Fucking micro-dicked asslicking donkey-fellating shitcock nutfuck.

This post has been edited by Dr. O: Feb 20 2011, 04:59 PM


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post Feb 21 2011, 08:45 PM
I was going to do something constructive, but then I remembered that there's a deadline on the Love Sick contest, so...
By the way, I changed the original fic's formatting so that it wouldn't be quite as long. Because I was getting really sick of scrolling through this thread.

[EVA][Fanfic][Lemon] Garden of EVA 0:6x - Wet Dreams Bite!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:6x - Wet Dreams Bite!
A Garden of Eva side story

Yes, this thing has side stories. Fuck my life.

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar

Before writing this, he should have thought long and hard about whether he wanted his name attached to it.

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

I'm sorry, I didn't get that the sixth time. Maybe repeating it again will help.

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
Short general warning: Lots of explicit sex, nudity, and other naughty stuff in this fic. Deal with it. Being labeled a 'LEMON' means that it gets much more sexually explicit than the regular Garden of EVA stories. Part 0:7 will have some parts of this side story, so you can skip this story if you do not wish to read lemons and not miss out on the ongoing story.

I like how he starts by practically asking the reader to not read it. It's like if the title crawl to The Phantom Menace were "LOL, no really, you should just leave now." Which, admittedly, would have been an improvement.

This lemon side story takes place between the end of the strip poker game (in part 0:6) and the next school day (in part 0:7).

Because the chronology of this fanfic is so important.

=======================================================================
Just a reminder: Garden of EVA takes place within episode 26 of the original Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. The events and continuity of the Eva movies are not part of the Garden of EVA 'universe'.
=======================================================================

You can barely keep the Evas' color scheme correct. Stop talking about Evangelion canon.

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Asuka got lost in the sensation and soon she was returning the kiss with all her heart. Their breasts were pressed against each other and sweat dripped from their naked flesh.

Wow. Three sentences in and all pretenses have been dropped like a prom night dumpster baby.

Kensuke, Shinji, and Hikari all looked on, forgotten by the two necking girls, who had actually moved beyond necking already. Hikari looked away from the kissing couple and winked at Shinji. Shinji jumped over to Hikari's side and quickly tore off her skirt, bra, and panties. They kissed deeply, their tongues probing each other's mouths with a passion usually reserved for porno movies, or the wet dreams of 14-year-old kids.

This whole fic reads like the wet dream of a 14-year-old kid. So I guess Jim was successful in that regard.

Kensuke just looked back and forth between the two groups. Asuka had reversed position and was kissing a different pair of lips at present.

Herp derp.

Kensuke's pants were straining at the seams. Shinji was naked and... well... doing something to Hikari that Touji had yet to experience. Touji had been lucky just to see what Shinji now had his manhood embedded in.

It would've been funnier if it got embedded in his zipper.

Finally, just as Shinji shot his load into Hikari, Kensuke's pants exploded and covered the room with a milky-white substance.

This is like the exploding pants episode of Mythbusters meets Panty & Stocking.

Kensuke awoke to a wet, hot feeling under his sheets. He rose and wiped the sleep out of his eyes. "Wha... Oh, it was only a dream," he mumbled. He lifted his sheet and sighed. <Have to wash my sheets before school again.>

"Again?" How often does this happen to him? How can he even sleep? His sheets must have the laundry equivalent of rigor mortis by now.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Asuka got lost in the sensation and soon she was returning the kiss with all her heart. Their breasts were pressed against each other and sweat dripped from their naked flesh.

And now it's repeating. Excuse me while I find something sufficiently hard with which to bash my head open in the hope that the cranial trauma will either render me incapable of coherent thought or just kill me outright.

Kensuke, Shinji, and Hikari all looked on, forgotten by the two necking girls, who had actually moved beyond necking already. Shinji and Kensuke exchanged grins as they observed Asuka slide down Rei's naked body, kissing and nibbling at Rei's breasts.

"The two necking girls, who had actually moved beyond necking already."
THEN THEY AREN'T NECKING, NOW ARE THEY? This wouldn't really be an issue if the fuckwit hadn't thought it was a good enough line to use multiple times.

Hikari looked on at her best friend in disbelief. "Shinji, stop them!" she insisted, then looked over at Shinji. Her jaw dropped as she saw Shinji and Kensuke necking and pulling at each other's clothes. "What the hell are you all doing!"

Shinji has finally come to terms with his sexuality. I know, it frightens me, too.

Rei looked up at Hikari. "Oh, I'm sorry," she said, then reached over and grabbed Hikari's bra. She pulled Hikari over, yanking the bra off in the process. "Didn't mean to leave you out." Within moments, Asuka was pulling Hikari's skirt and panties off while Rei kissed and sucked Hikari's large breasts.

"Large?" Oh, right, I forgot, this is using hentai logic. She's probably a G-cup.

"Oh, who needs Touji with friends like you!!" Hikari gasped as she felt Asuka's fingers enter her.

Hikari awoke when she fell out of her bed. "Wha..." She looked around her room and blushed in embarrassment as she pulled her hand out of her panties. Of course, only after she pulled them out of something else first.

Remember, the word "vagina" does not exist in any known lemon or hentai writer's vocabulary.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Asuka forced Rei away from her and pulled out a handgun from her... well... since she was naked there was only one place she could have concealed it. Enough said.

See?

She pointed the handgun at Rei and squeezed the trigger. Rei's headless body fell to the ground. "Archficker!! How dare you try to kiss these pure lips of mine!" she screamed. Suddenly, she felt hands caressing and massaging her breasts. She turned expecting to have to clobber Shinji, but recoiled in shock when she saw Hikari. "What?" she gasped as her jaw dropped to the floor.

Jaws sure do love falling off at the slightest provocation in this fic. It's almost like the author can't think of any other idioms to describe expression.

"Oh, my dear Asuka. I've been fighting these feelings for the longest time. Seeing Rei kiss you made me so jealous, I just can't contain my passion for you any longer," Hikari said, spreading her arms and legs. "Please make me your bitch!"

So she'd be a bitch's bitch? This is getting a little too recursive for my tastes.

Asuka pulled her jaw up and smiled. "Oh, Hikari... I've always loved you too. I just hid my desire for you," she said, then locked lips with her longtime friend. Soon, Asuka and Hikari were locked in passion as their lips and hands explored each other's bodies.

Shinji and Kensuke stood watching the girls fuck each other. Their pants were lying at their ankles. Shinji held his mighty oak



in his hands, while Kensuke held his mighty maple in his. They were giving their trees a good varnishing.

Hikari's tongue was deep within Asuka when the redhead cried out, "Yes!! Yes!! No man could ever do this to me! Make me yours, my sweet Hikari!" How could she cry out with a tongue in her? Think about it for a second.

"And by 'tongue in her,' I'm describing oral sex. Cunnilingus, if you will. You see, it's what happens when someone orally pleasures a woman, wink wink, nudge nudge, get my drift? Think about it for a second."

As Asuka came, she and Hikari were covered with Shinji and Kensuke's cum as they shot their loads in unison.

Asuka awoke and found she was naked; her torn panties and T-shirt lay by her side. She pulled her sticky fingers from within her and gasped. "What the fuck was that all about??" she cursed, then remembered the strip poker game the night before. "Shit, what did that damn lesbian think she was doing?"

-E- -V- -A-

Oh me oh my, I wonder what the next part will be about. I am on the edge of my seat in anticipation, eagerly awaiting the next twist in this wondrously imaginative artistic work of the highest caliber. Whatever happens, I'm certain it will shatter all my expectations and in their place craft the most magnificent web of gossamer wordcraft my weary eyes have ever beheld.

Touji slid into Misato and smiled as he heard her gasp of pleasure.

Oh fucking fuck.

He pumped his member in and out of his hot, horny teacher. "I bet you've always wanted this," he remarked between thrusts.

"Oh yes, Touji, ever since I first saw you on the first day of school! Make me yours, my stallion!" Misato replied between pants.

Touji smiled and grew mesmerized by the sight of Misato's breasts bouncing back and forth as he gave her what he knew she always wanted.

Yeah. It's notoriously difficult to score with teenage guys.

Suddenly, Touji frowned as he felt something on his backside. He turned around to see Misato's boyfriend thrusting against his buttocks. "What the fuck are you doing? You sick, twisted pervert!"

Lesbians are A-OK, but gay men are perverts? Why does this sound familiar...Why does this sound familiar...

"We're a set. If you want Misato, you have to pleasure me as well," Kaji insisted as he banged Touji. How could a man bang another guy? Think about it for a second, but don't throw up on the new carpeting.

FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING FUCK MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER FUCK FUCKING FUCK!

"Arrrrrghhhh!! Stop that!" Touji screamed and bolted upright. He quickly felt his ass to make sure... he sighed in relief. "Never thought seeing Misato getting fucked would cause me to have such an... impossible dream."

To dream the impossible dream
To fight the unbeatable foe
To bear with unbearable sorrow
To run where the brave dare not go

-E- -V- -A-

Rei leaned over and kissed Shinji firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Shinji got lost in the sensation and soon he was returning the kiss with all his heart. Rei's breasts pressed against Shinji's chest as they got lost in each other's touch.

"Oh god, Shinji. Fuck me with your mighty oak!" Rei cried out.


NO THIS JOKE WILL NEVER GET OLD. SHUT UP.

As Shinji entered Rei, Rei was smiling broadly in both her dream and her bed.

In a large empty theater, another Rei was watching herself dream of making love to Shinji. She wore a smaller smile on her face, but it was unusual to see this Rei smile at all. "Fascinating."

Oh bullshit.

"Hey! Stop looking at that gross dream!" Asuka bellowed.

"Fine, let's see what's Shinji's dreaming of," Rei calmly replied and clicked the remote control to change to Shinji's dream.

Why do they have a remote control? How does it control dreams? Is this a Click crossover now? What a coincidence - that movie sucked, too!

"Has to be better than that one I was having," Asuka muttered. Then a thought hit her. "Where'd the remote come from, anyway?"

"We installed it after Shinji complained about you grabbing his balls to get his attention when you wanted to shift to a different viewpoint."

What.

"Oh, the little pervert liked it. Look at the nasty stuff he and his friends do."

"I think these dreams are because of our kiss."

"Hey! *WE* didn't kiss! Those two characters that Shinji made up, did!"

Those two characters who look just like Asuka and Rei, but are independent legal entities. You know, like Monald Muck and Rickey Rouse.

"I don't think he made you any different."

"Of course he did! If you kissed me, I'd pound you senseless!"

"Why?"

"Because we're both girls, you imbecile!"

"What's wrong with two girls kissing?"

"Oh, go ask Maya, why don't ya?"

Ha-ha! Lesbians!

-E- -V- -A-

Rei leaned over and kissed Asuka firmly on the lips. Although shocked at first, Asuka got lost in the sensation and soon she was returning the kiss with all her heart. Their breasts were pressed against each other and sweat dripped from their naked flesh.

All right, now this is just old. And do you have any idea how hard it is to make girl-on-girl boring?

Kensuke, Shinji, and Hikari all looked on, forgotten by the two necking girls. Shinji looked on as Asuka fully explored a part of Rei that he had only briefly touched previously with his face. He gasped as Kensuke suddenly stood up and jumped onto Hikari and pulled her skirt, bra, and panties off. "Kensuke, stop! Touji will kill you!"

"So what?!" Kensuke replied as he sucked on Hikari's now hard nipple and caressed the other breast with his hand.

"Fuck. This isn't fair. Rei is MY girlfriend!! Asuka stop licking that and let me into her!" Shinji screamed and pulled his pants down. His mighty oak was very... mighty.



"No way! She's all mine!" Asuka said, pulling her face from between Rei's legs for a second. Rei quickly pressed Asuka's head back down, so that Asuka could continue probing her hot wet pussy.

Wink wink nudge nudge ifyouknowwhatimean.

"Shinji, I was only using you to get closer to Asuka. Why do you think I never wanted you to tell anyone about us? Ahhhh... Little boys like you couldn't satisfy me. Hell, I killed my last boyfriend because he wouldn't let me fuck his sister. Ohhh... That little twig of yours couldn't satisfy anyone," Rei declared, mentally chopping down Shinji's once mighty tree. "Leave us alone, little boy."

STOP USING TREE METAPHORS.

"Yeah! Go fuck your hand, little boy!"

Everyone started chanting "Little boy! Little boy!" as Shinji backed away from the two fucking couples. He finally crashed through a window and found himself looking up at a giant purple foot. The last thing he saw was the 'Nike' logo on the sole of the foot as it smashed his body into a bloody pulp.

You know, this is only marginally less annoying than the product placement in Rebuild.

Shinji awoke and screamed. He felt his body and made sure he was okay. "Damn, that was a weird dream."

A giant purple hand suddenly crashed through his window and grabbed him from his bed. It held him tightly and pulled him close to the grinning face of Eva Unit 01.

"Put me down!"

The Eva grinned broader and a laughing, sexless voice suddenly was heard. "Never. I will crush you into a bloody pulp."

"I'm huge... I'm huge! I'm huge! I'M HUGE!"

"No! I want to live!" Shinji screamed, trying to pry the fingers of the giant hand apart, to no avail.

"Who ever said you were alive?"

"Huh?"

"You're dead!" The voice dissolved into mocking laughter just before the hand squeezed Shinji's body tightly. Shinji's head plopped into the water below followed by a shower of his blood.

The end!

Shinji awoke and screamed. He felt his head to make sure it was still attached. He looked around, trying to make sure he was really awake this time. He slid out of his bed and rose to his feet just as his mother and father came into the room looking worried.

"Shinji are you alright?" Yui asked, then quickly turned around as she saw her naked son standing in front of her.

"Shinji, I know your mom is hot, but no need to point that twig at her," Gendou calmly said.

Paging Dr. Freud...

Shinji looked down and saw that his penis was gone. In its place a small twig projected from his groin. "Ahhhhhh!!!" As he looked on in horror, a tiny little Asuka walked down his stomach, defying the laws of gravity in the process. When she reached the twig, she started to chop into it with a tiny little axe.

"Timber!" the little Asuka bellowed and the twig fell off Shinji's groin.

Whatever meds the author was on when he wrote this, he should have asked for a second opinion.

Shinji awoke and screamed. He just sat in his bed and quietly shivered. Suddenly he slapped his own face. He slapped himself again and then a third time to make sure he was finally awake. He relaxed and sighed. "Finally awake. Must have been something I ate last night," he said, then thought about the kiss after the strip-poker game and added, "Or saw."

He stood up, walked over to a mirror, and stretched. After he finally looked at his reflection, he gasped and stopped in mid stretch. "What the fuck?" He ran his hands over his now female body. He fondled his large breasts then slid down and examined his crotch for any sign of his missing penis. He couldn't find it, inside or out, despite his very thorough search for it.

Inception: Rule 63 Edition!

After finishing his complete examination of his new female form, Shinji ran down the hall and into the bathroom. As if hoping that the mirror in his bedroom was somehow defective, he checked himself out again in the bathroom mirror. "Still a girl. A redheaded girl. Ah!" he exclaimed as a thought occurred to him. He ran some hot water into a bucket and then splashed himself with it. His body instantly transformed back to its usual male form. "Shit, how did I get cursed?"

dry.gif

Just then, Rei walked in with a towel draped over her privates. She looked at Shinji, taking a lingering look at his penis, which appeared to like the sight of Rei standing naked in front of him since it was suddenly fully erect.

For some reason, Rei's first impulse was to go get a table to bash the unknown boy with, but instead she grinned, dropped her towel, and knelt down in front of Shinji. Soon, she had his member in her mouth and was giving Shinji the greatest blowjob he had ever received. Of course, it was his first blowjob, so he really didn't have anything to compare it to.

Well... at least it's not a thinly veiled rewrite of an earlier scene.

After Shinji came and filled Rei's mouth with his cum, Rei smiled and said, "If only my father could have engaged me to you instead of some butt-ugly girl."

"Butt... ugly?" Shinji said, backing up in surprise. In the process he accidentally turned the cold water on and was sprayed with cold water. His male body transformed back into the female form he awoke with.

"You!" Rei screamed, and pulled out a bazooka from her... well the same place Asuka got her gun from earlier. She pointed the weapon at Shinko and pulled the trigger. Bits of Shinko were scattered across town.

Bludgeoning Angel Dokuro-chan: The Painfully Unfunny Version.

Shinji awoke screaming and ran a quick check. "Body? In one piece. Head? On neck. Breasts? No. Vagina? No. Normal size and shaped Penis? Yes. In my regular room? Yes. Any purple robots around? No."

Shinji finally allowed himself to relax. "Okay, no more strip poker games, no more Shin Seiki Ranma before bed, and no more chocolate anchovy okonomiyaki."

Can this possibly get any more cliche?

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka stood in the theater and gasped in shock at what she had just observed in Shinji's dream. "Damn, Shinji is one sick puppy."

Yup.

"As opposed to you blowing my head off?" Rei asked.

"Well, it was only a dream," Asuka insisted, suddenly wanting to change the subject.

"Is there really a difference between a dream and reality?" Rei asked.

Yes. Don't make me get all anti-solipsist on your ass.

"Oh no. I'm not getting into another long conversation with you. Ask Misato."

"But she's over watching Kaji and herself in the park."

"Gee, I wonder what she and Kaji are doing," Asuka asked rhetorically, rolling her eyes.

"Probably fucking each other," Rei calmly answered.

Just shut up. Please... just stop.

Asuka rolled her eyes. "OF COURSE SHE'S FUCKING HIM!" she screamed, then added softly, "Why wouldn't she want to see him again... even if it's not real."

"What's the difference between a dream and reality?"

"Well, a dream..." Asuka started to explain, forgetting that she hadn't wanted to get into this conversation with Rei.

Rei smiled inwardly at her victory.

"You know what? I'm happy."

-E- -V- -A-

Kaji rocked back and forth on top of Misato, who panted in ecstasy. "Oh god... I'm coming!!" she screamed.

See, when I asked if this could get any more cliche, that was what we non-retards call a "rhetorical question."

Kaji shot his load and filled Misato with warmth.

The two naked adults held each other closely as the sun rose and blanketed them in an orange light. "God, that was fantastic, Kaji," Misato murmured.

"With you, how could it be otherwise?" Kaji said softly, brushing the hair out of her eyes.

"I love you."

"And I you, my sweet rose."

Ugh...

"Tell me again."

"As soon as I'm elected mayor of Tokyo-3, I'll marry you."

"If we only didn't have to wait."

"It's better this way. If the press discovered our relationship now, they would hound you mercilessly. After the election they won't be as interested."

Because nobody cares about the personal affairs of elected politicians!

"I guess that makes sense. I just wish we could fuck somewhere other than in parks and cars."

"It's too dangerous to go to a hotel or either of our apartments."

"I know," Misato reluctantly conceded. She felt as if she was dreaming, but she knew she wasn't. This was just too good to be a dream. Unfortunately, by the end of the week it would seem more like a nightmare.


[End - Garden of EVA 0:6x - Wet Dreams Bite!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

No. No notes. Just shut up.

This side story was originally was the start of part 0:7, but then I noticed that it was separate enough from the main plot line that I could make it a lemon side story and keep the main stories lime. Even with all the sex in Garden of EVA, I still think the main stories are better for just being the lemon-scented limes that they are.

Archficker is German for fag, homo, butt-fuck. It's considered extremely vulgar. It's not the sort of thing I'd normally use, but seemed the best phrase to match Asuka's mood at that point in her dream.

SHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUPSHUTUP!

I'd like to thank my pre-readers: Rex Yu, James Grabowski, and Anthony
Pardilla. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are
my fault.

Fuck you and the horse you fucked in on!

Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (October 28, 1998)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (November 16, 1998)
Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (November 28, 1998)
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (December 16, 1998)


--------------------
Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

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post Feb 22 2011, 08:16 PM
So... yeah. Garden of Eva. Now that I've settled down and had my pills, I think I'm ready to tackle chapter seven.

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:7 - Love Triangles Bite!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:7 - Love Triangles Bite!

Oh, excuse me, Garden of EVA.

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim Lazar

Can you even copyright fanfi- oh. Right...

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! "Biting!" Get it?

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

I'm tempted to see if that address still works.

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
Short general warning: Lots of sex, nudity, and other naughty stuff in this fic. Deal with it. Just a taste of lemon in this one at the end.

They say that lemons are the dirtiest food item at a typical restaurant. Just something to think about.

=======================================================================
Just a reminder: Garden of EVA takes place within episode 26 of the original Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. The events and continuity of the Eva movies are not part of the Garden of EVA 'universe'.

Yeah, I got that. You can stop telling us.

=======================================================================
I have added certain non-lemon components to this part from the lemon side story 0:6x - Wet Dreams Bite! In order to allow you not to miss relevant events, information, or really funny jokes.

Yeah, thanks, I think I'll be fine.

=======================================================================


In a large empty theater, Rei was watching herself having sex with Shinji. It was only a dream, but a very graphic dream. She wore a small smile on her face. "Fascinating." She tilted her head trying to follow the action. "VERY fascinating."

Whatever you say, Spock.

"Hey! Stop looking at that gross dream!" Asuka bellowed.

"Fine, let's see what's Shinji's dreaming of," Rei calmly replied and clicked the remote control to change to Shinji's dream.

You must be pretty desperate for entertainment to watch Shinji's dreams.

"Has to be better than that one I was having," Asuka muttered, remembering the sight of Hikari fondling her other self. Of course, fondling was only the start of what the two girls did. Then a thought hit her as she remembered seeing Hikari push all the right buttons on her body. "Where'd the remote come from, anyway?"

"We installed it after Shinji complained about you grabbing his balls to get his attention when you wanted to shift to a different viewpoint."

You ever have deja vu?

"Oh, the little pervert liked it. Look at all the nasty stuff he and his friends do."

"I think these dreams are because of our kiss."

"Hey! *WE* didn't kiss! Those two characters that Shinji made up, did!"

This really wasn't that good the first time, and repetition isn't making me more endeared toward it.

"I don't think he made you any different."

"Of course he did! If you kissed me, I'd pound you senseless!"

"Why?"

"Because we're both girls, you imbecile!"

"What's wrong with two girls kissing?"

This is a side of Rei I think we should have seen more of in Eva.

"Oh, go ask Maya, why don't ya?" Asuka muttered and looked over at the viewpoint at Shinji's dream.

"looked over at the viewpoint at Shinji's dream." If that's supposed to mean something, I don't get it.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka stood in the theater and gasped in shock at what she had just observed in Shinji's dream. "Damn, Shinji is one sick puppy."

"As opposed to you blowing my head off?" Rei asked.

"Well, it was only a dream," Asuka insisted, suddenly wanting to change the subject.

"Is there really a difference between a dream and reality?" Rei asked.

Can I just reuse my riff? I mean, if the author's going to be lazy, I don't see why I should have to put in any effort.

"Oh no. I'm not getting into another long conversation with you. Ask Misato."

"But she's over watching Kaji and herself in the park."

"Gee, I wonder what she and Kaji are doing," Asuka asked, rhetorically and rolled her eyes.

As a laugh track played in the background.

"Probably fucking each other," Rei calmly answered.

Asuka rolled her eyes. "OF COURSE SHE'S FUCKING HIM!" she screamed, then added softly, "Why wouldn't she want to see him again...even if it's not real."

"What's the difference between a dream and reality?"

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide
No escape from reality

"Well, a dream..." Asuka started to explain, forgetting that she hadn't wanted to get into this conversation with Rei. Rei smiled inwardly at her victory.

-E- -V- -A-

On a beautiful summer morning, Kaji and Misato were lying close together in a secluded park. The two naked adults held each other closely as the sun rose and blanketed them in an orange light. "God, that was fantastic, Kaji," Misato murmured.

Is screwing all she does? Well, other than flashing students, I mean.

"With you, how could it be otherwise?" Kaji said softly, brushing the hair out of her eyes.

"I love you."

"And I you, my sweet rose."

"Tell me again."

We are reaching Star Wars prequel levels of romantic dialogue here.

"As soon as I'm elected mayor of Tokyo-3, I'll marry you."

"If we only didn't have to wait."

"It's better this way. If the press discovered our relationship now, they'd hound you mercilessly. After the election they won't be as interested."

"But I'm a senator!"
See? Fits perfectly.

"I guess that makes sense. I just wish we could fuck somewhere other than in parks and cars."

"It's too dangerous to go to a hotel or either of our apartments."

"I know," Misato reluctantly conceded. She felt as if she was dreaming, but she knew she wasn't. This was just too good to be a dream. Unfortunately, by the end of the week it would seem more like a nightmare.

What an original turn of phrase that nobody has thought of before.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji was worried. Rei had kissed Asuka during a strip poker game the gang had a couple nights ago. It didn't seem a big deal to Rei, but Asuka sort of freaked and Hikari had to help her home. So far, Hikari would just tell Shinji that Asuka was okay, but nothing more. Hikari was also keeping her distance from Rei. That worried Shinji the most. <Is the gang going to ignore Rei now? Will I have to choose between them and Rei? I just can't figure out why Rei acts like she does. Damn, even Asuka is easier to understand. Well... most of the time.>

Well, yeah. If she's not bitching at something, she's murderizing it. There's not that much to figure out.

Asuka hadn't come to wake up Shinji for school, like she normally did. Shinji tried calling her apartment and then knocking on her apartment door, but either she wasn't home or she didn't want to talk to him. He suspected the latter. What really worried Shinji was that Asuka didn't come to school either. <Could that kiss have really upset her that much?>

"WHAT! Rei kissed Asuka! Shit... I missed that?" Touji exclaimed when he heard about the kiss. He had cornered Shinji and Kensuke before school to tell them all about seeing Misato and her boyfriend fucking in the park on his way home from the strip poker game. He had not expected to hear that Rei and Asuka had made out passionately after he left.

"Passionately?"

Kensuke and Shinji had told him it was just a quick kiss, but Touji immediately had a hot lesbian orgy image formed in his head and couldn't be swayed from picturing it like that. Of course, that may have to do with the fact that his was currently thinking with his head of his dick instead of his mind. Not that this was unusual, mind you.

I think with my dick all the time. Granted, I have a freak congenital defect that left me with a small second brain down there. I was going to have it removed, but then I found out that my braincock is a trigonometry expert. It's currently working on earning its doctorate.

"Yes, they were both naked too," Kensuke explained.

"Double shit!" Touji swore a blue streak as his mental image got even more explicit, if that was possible. "And here I thought my story about Misato was good."

Two naked girls kissing, or a man and a woman going at it? Yeah, he must be so jealous.

"Well, that was a good story too," Kensuke said, calmly straightening his fogged-up glasses.

Pretty cool story, bro.

"Yes, that must have been a sight to see," Shinji agreed, avoiding mentioning the time he saw her naked.

"She said she saw you naked before, Shinji. When was that?" Touji asked, beginning his interrogation of Shinji.

He'll be the bad cop, and Kensuke can be the nerd cop.

Shinji gulped and shielded his eyes from the bright light that Touji had shoved in his face. "She must have dreamt it. If I'd had the chance to see her getting fucked I'd have said something, right?"

"I guess," Touji conceded, although he wasn't fully convinced.

Later, Misato came into the classroom and was greeted by cat calls and whistles from all the boys and one of the girls. She scowled at Touji, who cringed backwards. "Suzuhara! In the hallway! NOW!!!"

A quickie before class? Now she's just out of control.

Touji slunk into the hallway behind Misato. After the door closed, all the students ran to the door and tried to listen to what was going on. They could just make out the voices.

"Touji! I asked you not to talk about what happened."

"I didn't, I swear."

"What were all the cat calls for then?"

"I don't know."

"And what about the leaflets describing what happened last night in detail that are being handed out at every street corner?"

This is why you don't have student-run newspapers. The less literate the little bastards are, the easier it is to keep 'em in line.

"I don't know."

"And the two hundred or so love letters, all of them from boys wanting to fuck me like Kaji did, that were piled in my parking space this morning?" Misato decided not to mention the one girl who had given her a love letter. <Who would have thought that SHE was a lesbian.>

Remember, kids, bisexuals are a myth!

"I don't know."

"And the extremely detailed, full-color mural painted on the gym wall of me and my boyfriend having sex?"

To be fair, that probably has more artistic merit than 90% of the things funded by the National Endowment for the Arts.

"I don't know."

"And I bet you don't know that you have a hard-on right now?"

"Eeeepp! Its not because of you... it's because of a story Shinji was telling me earlier."

I know that Shinji always gives me a boner.

"Yeah, right."

Touji's voice suddenly softened. "Do you like how it feels?"

On the other side of the wall, Hikari sighed and shook her head in disgust. <I hope she doesn't tear it off, I do have plans for it eventually.>

"Arrrrghhhhhh!! Please don't dig your nails in!"

"It hurts so good!"

"You're in the hallway today. Three buckets. One more slip-up, even if it's just a sneeze that sounds dirty, and I'll transfer you to Ms. Sagabon's class."

"Oh god.... not old Saggy-boobs! I'll be good!!"

I like how the author stresses that this is Japanese, and then uses wordplay that wouldn't work in Japanese. No, wait, what's the opposite of like? I forget.

As the door started to slide open, all the students jumped back to their seats. Misato came in and stood in front of her desk. "Class, you are to forget about Mr. Suzuhara's little story. It never happened. You little boys could never satisfy me, so give up your little wet dreams and study hard or you'll be transferred to Ms. Sagabon's class."

How can any teacher say that and not get fired?
Oh, right. Tenure.

The boys all snapped to attention and started bowing profusely.

The one girl who would normally be groveling along with the boys, was out taking pictures of the gym wall with Misato's picture on it. "I always thought she would shave herself down there," she remarked as she snapped another picture.

OK seriously, this pubic hair fascination is getting kind of creepy.

-E- -V- -A-

The next day, Shinji walked to school without Asuka again. Rei appeared from behind a corner and grinned when she saw he was alone. She ran into his arms and gave him a big kiss. Shinji returned it, but Rei sensed his uneasiness. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"You're still worried about Asuka, right?"

"Yes. I think that was her first kiss."

So now we are borrowing Japanese anime cultural conventions. What's next, the red string of fate?

"It doesn't count if it's another girl. Heck, back in Osaka-2 my girlfriends and me practiced on each other all the time. Well, mostly on our hands, but..."

"I still think you shouldn't have done it."

"I gave her an out."

"Challenging her bravery isn't exactly an out. Especially in Asuka's case."

Then that just makes her stupid.

Rei looked sadly at the ground. "I'm sorry. I'll leave you all alone," she mumbled. <Messed up again. What's wrong with me,> she mentally scolded herself.

Shinji started. "Huh? Rei, I didn't say you weren't welcome in our gang. If she doesn't come to school again today, we should go over to her house after school and both apologize."

"Okay. What about us?"

"Us?"

Rei and the voices in her head.

"Can I still be your girlfriend?" Rei said. She looked very awkward, which surprised Shinji since she had always been very confident and determined.

Shinji smiled. <That's the first time she actually said that word.> "Of course, I'd never let a little thing like this..." Shinji was interrupted by a passionate kiss from Rei.

Aww, how trite boring dull sweet.

<Thank god. I'd thought I'd screwed up another relationship.> After the kiss ended, Rei just held Shinji in a tight embrace. "Thank you."

"Um... no problem. I really like you, Rei," Shinji said, nervously.

"Well, let's get to school!" Rei beamed and pulled Shinji towards the school.

-E- -V- -A-

Like the previous day, Asuka didn't show up for school, so Shinji and Rei went to her place after school.

Previous scene: "let's go to Asuka's house!"
This scene: "so they did."
Fffffffffffffffffffffuck this is pointless.

"Come on, Asuka, open up!" Shinji shouted, as he pounded on the door to Asuka's apartment. There was no response.

"Asuka, I'm sorry. It didn't mean anything. I was just joking around," Rei said. There was still no response.

"Asuka, just let us in so we can talk to you. Rei didn't know you'd get this upset over the kiss."

"I'll call the police if you and that lesbian don't leave!" Asuka voice replied from within the apartment.

Didn't you know? In Japan, lesbianism is a crime.

"I'm not a lesbian!" Rei shouted back.

"Prove it!" was Asuka's reply.

Rei started. "Huh? How?"

Well, there's one obvious way...

Asuka thought for a moment. She had no real answer to that. "Have sex with Shinji!" she finally said, knowing that Rei would never do it.

"Okay, can we use your bed?" Rei quickly replied. Shinji gaped at Rei in shock.

Sounds of a teenage girl falling down followed by the sounds of laughter could be heard from within the apartment. Rei and Shinji looked concerned and then confused when the laughter started.

Oh, the hijinks! This is just like Megatokyo, only without the "artwork." So, I guess it's somewhat superior in that respect.

"Are you okay, Asuka?"

The answer was in the form of the door opening to reveal Asuka in some old worn pajamas and still giggling. "Come on in. If you'd go so far as offering to fuck this little boy, you must be really sorry," she said, motioning them to come in.

Even though she's supposed to be insanely jealous and possessive? Oh, right, that characterization was, like, a whole chapter ago or something.

"Hey! Who are you calling a little boy!" Shinji shouted, but followed Rei into the apartment.

"You."

Shinji fumed as they went into the living room and sat down.

"So, where's the bed?" Rei calmly asked.

I'm surprised she's not asking where the futon is. Because this is Japan, you see. It's so very Japanese. Did you know that the characters are speaking Japanese? Because they are. Because they are Japanese. Or so the disclaimer tells us.

Asuka chuckled. "Ha ha. Don't worry I wouldn't make anyone do THAT with Shinji."

"HEY!!!"

"I am sorry, Asuka. My old girlfriends and I used to practice kissing all the time. Mostly on the backs of our hands, but we kissed each other a few times. It's no big deal."

"I guess. It just freaked me out that you'd do that."

"I'm sorry if I ruined your first time."

"First time? Hardly," Asuka insisted. Rei and Shinji both had their doubts about her sincerity.

See, now, biting off a guy's cock doesn't count as a "kiss."

"I'm sure you must have lots of boys wanting to kiss you, Asuka," Rei suggested.

"I guess."

-E- -V- -A-

After some of the damage between Rei and Asuka had been repaired, Rei and Shinji walked toward the door, but Asuka pulled Shinji back. "Just a second, Shinji." Rei didn't notice and left the apartment.

"Something wrong, Asuka?" Shinji asked.

Asuka response was to pull Shinji close to her and give him a long kiss. When she broke it and pulled her tongue out of his mouth, she said, "I'll just consider that my first kiss."

Way to settle.

Shinji eyes were wide open with shock. He didn't move until he heard Rei's voice calling him. "Shinji? Is something wrong?"

"Nope. Coming!" Shinji replied

Oh, I'm sure he is.

and slowly walked towards the door. He glanced behind him once more to see Asuka standing looking at him with a smile on her lips. <I guess she does like me like that. Damn, what do I do now?> Unfortunately, Touji wasn't around or he'd be more than happy to provide Shinji with some suggestions, most of them illegal.

Asuka watched Shinji walk away. <Damn, not bad for a little boy. At least I don't have to worry about that dirty little lesbian making the moves on him.> Apparently, she wasn't quite as forgiving as she had said.

Asuka? Unforgiving? Naw...

-E- -V- -A-

"In the hallway two days in a row, that's unusual even for you, Touji," Hikari said, as she walked home with Touji.

"I don't know why she got so upset! I didn't lie, she was really fucking that guy!" Touji professed his innocence.

Hikari shook her head sadly. "You really don't get it, do you? Girls don't like to be treated as objects. Telling everyone about Misato and her boyfriend must have made her feel degraded in front of the whole school."

You can't really degrade someone who's exposed themselves in class repeatedly.

"Well, why is she always wearing those skimpy outfits then?!"

"Because that's the only way you boys will pay attention to her in class!"

Or just, you know, be interesting. I didn't pick my poli sci courses because of the professor's rack; I chose them because he cracked racist jokes and openly insulted the students.

Touji frowned. "You really think so?"

Hikari rolled her eyes. "Yes, I really think so."

"Oh," Touji said flatly, then suddenly asked, "Hikari, when are you and I going to fuck?"

He sure has a way with words.

Hikari stopped in her tracks and placed her head in her hands. "I just don't believe you sometimes."

"What?" Touji asked, confused. Nothing new there.

"We just talked about not degrading women and you say something like that," Hikari replied. She thought for a few seconds then said, "Tell you what, Slick. If you can keep from making any vile, degrading, sexist, or otherwise stupid comments for the next month I'll rock your world."

I can't help but notice that that agreement conspicuously does not cover giant robot fucking.

Touji grinned broadly. <At long last, I'll get to have my sweet Hikari!> he thought to himself, but then realized he could never last a month. "A month? God! I couldn't last that long unless I was Kensuke! Let's make it a day?"

Hikari snickered, she had expected this. "Three weeks."

"A week."

Hikari seemed consider it for a few seconds. "Fourteen days, and that's my last offer."

Without thinking Touji shouted, "No... two weeks!"



Hikari almost burst out laughing at Touji's slip-up, but then decided to use it to her advantage. "Two weeks? Well, okay, but I doubt you'll be able to do it," she agreed, mostly because she had two weeks in mind originally. Truth be told, she was looking forward to this as well. She just had to make sure Touji earned it, didn't she?

"Ha! With your sweet nectar as the prize, I'll be banging your hot wet pussy in just over two weeks!"

"You already lost with that comment," Hikari remarked, grinning.

"What! That wasn't vile!"

"You're hopeless, Touji," she replied, giving him a quick kiss. "Okay, starting now. If you can make it for two weeks then I'll give you a night you'll never forget."

"Just wait till you taste my manhood."

Hikari sighed. "Okay, starting NOW! And you can't tell anyone about the bet!"

Touji opened his mouth to complain, but then wisely shut it again. He nodded his agreement.

All he has to do is get his jaw wired shut and he's guaranteed to win. Actually, if every character did that, I might be able to tolerate this fic.

"Good boy, you're learning," Hikari said, patting him on his head. Touji was disappointed that she chose the head on the end of his neck, but wisely chose not to say anything.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei hung on Shinji's arm as they walked through the park after leaving Asuka's place. "Hey, Shinji?"

"Yes?"

"Want to go to my place? My mom and sister are gone today."

Shinji gulped. "Yeah, sure. Have any good games to play?"

"I'm sure I can find something... exciting... for you to play with."

Is it Risk? Man, I love Risk. See, the key is to always take Australia.

-E- -V- -A-

"Mom? Sis? Are you home?" Rei called out as he opened the door.

Nothing was heard, so she let Shinji in and then locked the door. Shinji was nervously wringing his hands. Rei smiled at his nervousness. "No need to be nervous, Shinji." She leaned over and kissed Shinji on his trembling lips.

Rei led Shinji down the hallway, but as they passed the family room he turned and went in. Rei looked puzzled. <Huh? Does he really want to just watch TV or play a game?> Rei thought, letting Shinji lead her to the family room.

"What do you want to do?"

mellow.gif

"Whatever," Rei said, still trying to figure out if Shinji didn't intend to have sex with her. <He's probably just nervous. I'll have to break the ice myself, I guess.> A plan formed in her head. "I'll get something to eat and drink. Can you find something to watch on TV?"

Rei smiled inwardly at her prescient decision to turn the TV to Skinemax before leaving the house.

"Sure," Shinji agreed, and sat down and started flipping through the channels while Rei went to the kitchen. She came back with a tray of soda, popcorn, potato chips, and Green Soy dip. Shinji looked up and gasped in surprise. His chin crashed to the floor. "Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Why aren't you wearing any clothes?"

Hurr durr.

Rei looked down at her naked body and looked confused. "Huh? I've got my dress on."

"Are you sure?" Shinji asked, shaking his head to clear it. When he looked again, Rei was still naked.

"Yes, you've got a pretty active imagination there, Shinji," Rei said, smiling. She walked over to Shinji and gave him a long kiss.

Shinji felt her naked breasts pressed against his chest. <She has to be really naked... my imagination isn't this good,> he thought, but then remembered the time he thought he saw Misato naked in his kitchen. <Or is it?>

Watch out, everyone! Detective Shinji is on the case!

Rei broke the kiss and then lay down on her stomach with her bare bottom pointed directly at Shinji. "Come on, Shinji, lay down here next to me."

"Okay." Shinji gulped. He grabbed a can of soda and lay down next to Rei's naked body.

Rei and Shinji started pigging out on the snacks. Shinji couldn't help occasionally glancing at Rei's naked body as they watched the show. <It's got to be my imagination.>

How is it possible for anyone to be this unbelievably stupid? How?

-E- -V- -A-

Misato had just finished taking a bath and was watching the news in her bedroom. She finished drying her legs and pulled her panties on. As she pulled a long T-shirt over her head, she heard the announcer say something that caught her attention.

"Today, Mr. Ryouji Kaji, a candidate for the mayor of Tokyo-3, was rumored to be having an affair with a local woman."

Misato gasped. "Shit, someone in the press heard Touji's story."

Or, you know, he's having sex with more than one woman. Oh, who am I kidding? No politician has ever done that.

"We caught up to Mr. Kaji at his home."

Misato was watching the screen intensely as it showed a house in one of the few areas of Tokyo-3 that had single family homes. <Damn, I didn't know he had a private home. He always said that he had a small apartment,>

Just one of his many sophisticated anti-gold-digger techniques.

she thought as she watched a reporter trying to get Kaji to talk.

"I'm telling you that I don't know what you're talking about! I don't know the woman you described!" Kaji insisted.

"But word is that she's a local school teacher and one of her students saw you in the park with her," the reporter insisted.

"Nonsense!"

"What does your fiancee think about you having an affair?"

Fiancee.

Fiancee.

Fiancee.

Fiancee.

Fiancee.

The word reverberated in Misato's head and across an empty theater.

"Fi... an... cee?" both Misatos stuttered.

Fiancee.

"I'm telling you that these stories are groundless. I love Maya with all my heart, I'd never cheat on her," Kaji declared his innocence again.

Fianc- Oh. Never mind. Still, I wonder how stupid you have to be to have sex with someone and talk about marriage and not know their marital status. But then again, this is Misato.

"Maya?" Misato reached over and turned the television off. "He's engaged to someone else? No. How could you do this to me, Kaji?" She broke down and started to cry. "Not another love triangle. I can't handle another after competing with Ritsuko in college for..." She trailed off as her tears overcame her ability to talk.

-E- -V- -A-

"No way!" Misato screamed in the theater.

"What's the matter, Misato? Didn't you say that Shinji's world wasn't perfect?" Asuka gloated.

"Yes, but not Kaji! He would never cheat on me, no matter what world he was in!" Misato's words didn't even convince herself, let alone the others. "And with meek little Maya? Impossible."

I don't know. Seems like a pretty nice world for Kaji.

"Ms. Akagi used to say that she dated Mr. Kaji," Rei mentioned.

Misato glared at Rei. "Shut up! He wasn't dating me back then... not officially. Damn, why couldn't Shinji have figured out this world was just a fantasy and come back to reality before now?"

Asuka clicked a button on the remote control. "Well, looks like Shinji is having a lot of fun in his fantasy world, so why should he end it?"

I could think of a few reasons.

"Hmmmm, switch over there and see how he likes a taste of his own medicine," Misato instructed, hoping that she didn't have to watch her relationship with Kaji fall apart again. Unreal or not, it hurt to watch.

"Sure, ain't picture-in-picture great?" Asuka asked, as she swapped the main viewpoint with the small preview viewpoint that was showing Shinji and Rei lying on the floor.

"I'm sure he'll find me quite tasty," Rei said, straight-faced.

mellow.gif

Misato and Asuka gaped at Rei in astonishment. Beads of sweat dripped down their shocked faces.

-E- -V- -A-

After the show was over, Rei stood up and smiled at Shinji. "Hey, Shinji?"

Shinji looked up and blushed as he got a great view of Rei's naked body. The kind of views you find in every men's magazine except Playboy. Meaning Shinji could see everything in its full glory, not that she had staples in her skin, of course. "Yy... yes?"

What?

"Want to help me off with my dress?"

"Sss... sure," Shinji replied and stood up. Shinji felt for the dress, but his hands only met naked flesh. "Err..."

"What's wrong?" Rei asked, innocently.

"You're already naked," Shinji finally realized, or at least got up the nerve to mention it.

This is like that story about the emperor who had no clothes. In it, he gets new clothes, but it turns out there aren't any. Now if only I could remember the title...

Rei grinned. "Took you long enough to notice." She wrapped her arms around Shinji's neck and pulled him into a long kiss.

After the kiss ended, Shinji looked down and took another look at Rei's beautiful body. "Um, I thought I was dreaming."

Rei smiled. "You're not. You really need to try to figure out what's real and what's not."

Is she trying to tell him that she's not all natural?

"I guess. Sometimes it just seems like you're my dream girl and too good to be true."

"And what's wrong with that?" Rei asked, as she started to undo Shinji's pants.

"Nothing," was all Shinji managed to say before his pants hit the floor. His shirt and shorts quickly joined them. Shinji was unable to restrain himself any longer, so he pushed Rei clumsily onto the sofa and started to kiss her.

Rei ran her hands up and down his sides as he started nibbling on her neck and then moved to her breasts. "You are beautiful," he said, between bites.

Shinji, when she asks you to eat her, she doesn't mean it literally.

"Bet you say that to all the girls you fuck."

"So far," Shinji replied, smirking.

"Mr. Shinji has a sense of humor. Well, your choice what to do next."

His brain then shut down, thus revealing what happens when one divides by zero.

Shinji gulped and motioned Rei to lay back. She did. He sat down beside her and gave her a deep kiss, then started exploring her breasts. His hands had only paused at the breasts before they started to move lower.

"Not so fast, Shinji. Enjoy the trip to heaven," Rei said softly. Shinji slowed and returned to her breasts. Eventually he started to explore with his lips and tongue.

"You taste great," Shinji mentioned between licks.

Remember, everyone, in hentai logic, bodily secretions are delicacies of the highest order!

Back in the theater, Rei smiled slightly and looked over at Misato and Asuka.

"Looks like he's less filling to me," Asuka said, motioning toward Shinji's penis.

"Less filling."
"Great taste."

"Give it up, Asuka! Shinji's bigger than Kaji!" Misato blurted, apparently sick of Asuka's comments about the size of Shinji's penis.

"Yeah, right!" Asuka snorted, then frowned. "Really?"

Misato didn't say anything. Rei just look aback at the viewpoint where the aforementioned body part was showing Rei how much Shinji enjoyed the view.

"Glad you like the view." Rei rose from the sofa and pushed Shinji down. She reached over to a small table and pulled a condom out of a drawer.

Oh, good. I guess she isn't a clone of Shinji's mother in this story, but still...

Shinji gulped when he saw her unroll the condom over his mighty oak, which grew mightier at Rei's touch.



"Ready to go to heaven?" Rei asked. Shinji nodded without speaking. Rei slid on top of Shinji and straddled his legs. Shinji reached up, grabbed her breasts, and kneaded them between his fingers.

Shinji gasped as Rei lowered herself onto his lap. His split second of ecstasy was interrupted by a shout.

"Rei, what the fuck are you doing!" a shocked Ritsuko screamed.

Awkward interruption just as teenagers are about to have sex? Why, no, that's a completely original idea that no-one has ever used before, and I applaud the author of this story for striving to deviate from tired formulas and craft such a stunningly creative work.

Startled Rei and Shinji both looked over to see Rei's sister standing in the doorway to the family room. Shinji lost his voice, but Rei didn't. "I'm fucking my boyfriend, what does it look like?! Get the hell out of here, sis!!"

"You stupid little brat! Do you want to get pregnant again?"



Shinji was, to say the least, shocked.


[End - Garden of EVA 0:7 - Love Triangles Bite!]
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Author's notes/ramblings:

And then the readers were shocked that I'd end on a cliffhanger like that... sorry.

I'm shocked, but not because of any cliffhanger.

Talk about being caught in an embarrassing position.

Herp derp.

Things really start to bite in the next part.

Yes, I know that Playboy hasn't used staples in years, but the joke was funny (I hope).

Oh for fuck's sake. Why don't you explain every "joke" here? It can't be any worse than the rest of this abortion of a story.

I'd like to thank my pre-readers Mark Eymer, Ryan Erik, Anders Holmberg, James Grabowski, Dennis, and Arnold Callwood for helping me find and fix problems with this story. FFML members Thomas Kinnen and Chris Davies were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (October 28, 1998)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (January 4, 1999)
Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (January 12, 1998)
Revision 1.0 - First RAAC posting (January 25, 1998)

This isn't software, man. Just write it until it doesn't suck. Actually, you know what? In your case, just don't write. Ever.

This post has been edited by Dr. O: Feb 22 2011, 08:18 PM


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Dr. O


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post Feb 24 2011, 08:19 PM
Only one more part. One more part and I'm done with this...

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 0:8 - Rei's Past Bites!

...
You know what? It's not even worth making fun of the naming scheme anymore.

=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:8 - Rei's Past Bites!

So, is there any particular reason we need to see the title twice?

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

Hey guys I'm going to write a chapter of Garden of Eva.
"Bite biting bites bite bite copyright Jim Lazar biting bite bites bite mighty oak bite thank the pre-readers."
Uncanny, no?

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
Warning: Lots of sex, nudity, and bad language in this story. But then, you should know that by now if you've been paying attention.

You could have warned us about how childishly you would treat those topics, you know.

=======================================================================
Just a reminder: Garden of EVA takes place within episode 26 of the original Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. The events and continuity of the Eva movies are not part of the Garden of EVA 'universe' although I can't promise some elements won't slip in.
=======================================================================
A few semi-dark moments in this part as Shinji deals with Rei's past.

Pssh. "Dark" my ass.

=======================================================================


"Ready to go to heaven?" Rei asked. Shinji nodded without speaking. Rei slid on top of Shinji and straddled his legs. Shinji reached up, grabbed her breasts, and kneaded them between his fingers.

Shinji gasped as Rei lowered herself onto his lap. His split second of ecstasy was interrupted by a shout.

"You're on candid camera!"

"Rei, what the fuck are you doing!" a shocked Ritsuko screamed.

Startled Rei and Shinji both looked over to see Rei's sister standing in the doorway to the family room. Shinji lost his voice, but Rei didn't. "I'm fucking my boyfriend, what does it look like?! Get the hell out of here, sis!!"

"You stupid little brat! Do you want to get pregnant again?"

This isn't a TV show. You don't have to recap last week's big reveal, especially one as stupid as this.

Shinji was, to say the least, shocked.

Ritsuko walked over and pulled Rei off Shinji's... mighty oak.


Wait... that's not right...

Since she wasn't exactly careful when doing it, Shinji cried out in pain and grabbed his now leaning tower of penis.

"I can't believe after what that bastard Hasamoto did to you that you'd get into another relationship with some horny little dickhead!" Ritsuko yelled.

Rei glared at her sister. "Shut the fuck up! Shinji's not like that! He's nice and would never hurt me."

Though he might end up causing the apocalypse, so... you know... technically...

Shinji was still so shocked by the revelation that Rei had a child, that he hadn't regained motor control. He just stood still and tried to follow the argument in front of him, forgetting that he was naked.

"He's a boy isn't he? They're all alike, Rei! He'll fuck you, get you pregnant, and then dump you!"

Now that's completely unfair. Not every guy waits until pregnancy to leg it.

"Shut up. Just because your love life sucks, doesn't mean that every boy is like that!" Rei yelled back at her sister. "Besides! He has a condom on!" She gestured to Shinji's still covered penis.

"Oh, I'm so damn proud of you for using a condom!" Ritsuko pulled her arm back as if to hit Rei.

Though she was really just going to give Rei a high-five.

Regaining his motor control, Shinji leapt between Rei and Ritsuko. "Don't hit her!" he screamed.

Ritsuko glared at Shinji. "You shut up! You have a lot of nerve to fuck my little sister with that little twig of yours!"

Welp, guess I better fire up Google Image Search and find a few more tree pictures...

Shinji fumed. "Better than fucking an old hag like you!" he snapped. He regretted it as soon as Ritsuko grabbed him by his condom-covered penis in a vicious vise-like grip and dragged him towards the door. Shinji was screaming in pain the whole way, trying to break her hold on his penis.

This is funny for all the wrong reasons.

"Get out! If you ever see my sister again, I'll make sure you can never fuck another girl... ever!" Ritsuko yelled, shoving Shinji out the door.

Shinji swore a blue streak and pounded on the door. Then he finally noticed he was still naked. "Oh... crap!" He pounded on the door some more, but then as doors started to open, he realized that he should get out of there fast. He ran down the hall, trying to hide his privates. As he ran, various people stuck their heads out their doors and watched the nude boy run by.

You might call him...

The Flash.

One older woman smiled as Shinji passed her. "Gee, it used to be you only saw streakers in the park." Her thoughts were of the tall dark haired boy that she had seen days earlier in a nearby park. <What a young stud. I'd ride that baloney pony any day.>

"Baloney pony."
Baloney. Pony.
Baloney pony.
Baloney pony.
BALONEY PONY.

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUU
UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK THIS FIC!

Her little daughter poked her head out, interrupted her mother's fantasies, and asked, "Mommy, what was that big long thing?"

OK, TIME OUT!
DID YOU EVER WATCH EVA? HUH? I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAD THIS IN THE SECOND EPISODE! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? IT'S A JAR OF TOOTHPICKS! IT'S A JOKE ABOUT HOW SMALL HIS DICK IS!

Oh, but I bet you watched that scene, Jim Lazar, and you decided that you'd selectively ignore it because if would impede your fucking retarded porn fic, since all men in all porn fics have impossibly large Rasputin cocks. Is that it? Huh? I bet it is!

IS THAT IT, YOU DICK-BELCHING ASS-BUCKING COCK-WAGGLING PUPPY-HUFFING ASSTARD CUNTWAD!

Her mother blushed, then tried to find the right words. "Umm... well that is... an oak tree. All boys have them." She frowned after saying the words. <Why the heck did I call it an 'oak tree'?>

FUCKER FUCKING FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK MOTHERFUCKING FUCK FUCKER FUCK!

"What are they used for?" the child asked, innocently.

"Well, ones like that can make mommy really happy," the woman said, ushering her confused daughter back inside their apartment.

One teenage girl stuck her head out and frowned at seeing Shinji's retreating buttocks. "Damn, thought it was that cute Rei from my class streaking instead of a butt-ugly boy." She sighed and went back inside.

I- I don't- WHAT IS THE POINT. THE EXISTENCE OF LESBIANS IS NOT SOME HILARIOUS JOKE, YOU FUCKING PHILISTINE!

Inside her apartment, Rei was calmly redressing and ignoring her sister's incessant scolding. When she finished, she gathered up Shinji's clothes.

"Rei, what am I going to do with you? I don't want you to end up pregnant again," Ritsuko said.

"Shut up, Sis. You're not my mother."

She's not even your sister! Why the fuck would somebody watch Evangelion and think "yeah, Rei and Ritsuko are sisters!" Fucking fuck! And no, I don't care that she's adopted, since REI WOULDN'T EXIST IN THIS WORLD! And if it's a world created by Shinji, then WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE WANT REI AND RITSUKO TO BE SISTERS?

Ritsuko flinched. "No, but Mom and I love you and don't want to see you ruin your life."

"She's not my mother, either!" Rei screamed and then shook her head sadly. "Damn it, I'm not you and Shinji is not Kouzou! Or Hiroshi. Or Yuu. Or Makuru. Or..."

This is Shinji's perfect world! Why the fuck is Rei a whore?

Ritsuko interrupted Rei. "Stop changing the subject! This is about you and that little walking cock!"

"Stop saying bad things about Shinji! He's nice and kind and would never hurt me!" Rei shouted.

"They all are until they get into your pussy, then they change."

OK, OK... how far am I into this...
...
FUCK.

"Shut up. I love Shinji!"

Ritsuko shook her head sadly. "You can't possibly know what love is at fourteen, Rei! Please just go to your room. We'll talk again after we both calm down."

Rei looked ready to continue the fight, but then realized that it would be pointless. She stomped down the hall to her bedroom.

Ritsuko sat down and cradled her head in her hands. "Oh god, Rei... why do you have to be so much like me?"

What? Did Ritsuko take a go at Shinji's "mighty oak," too?

-E- -V- -A-

In the theater, Asuka was sitting cross-legged on the floor and munching on some popcorn. "Damn, this is getting good. Looks like Rei is really screwed up in this universe."

PERFECT UNIVERSE.

"Unfortunately, she won't get screwed tonight," Rei said, sadly watching her other self as she cried into her pillow.

Misato could be seen in the background, tearing up pictures of Kaji.

"Misato's being two timed, Rei's a slut, and Shinji is running around naked. Looks like I'm the only normal one in that universe."

Well, she has avoided going into a coma and then getting speared to death before getting choked half to death on a beach next to an ocean of blood, so I guess she is doing comparatively well.

Shinji came out of his trance and glared at Asuka. "Dammit, Asuka! Just shut up! Don't you have any compassion for others?" he shouted. He looked over at Rei and frowned. "I'm sorry, Rei. I wanted to make a world where everyone could be happy. I guess that's a fantasy."

Nobody's happy. Least of all me.

"It's okay."

"No. Not after what my father did to you. This isn't fair." Shinji grabbed a handful of storyboards that showed his perfect world on them and began to tear them.

What? Did Shinji actually make storyboards to plan out a world based on his feelings? What, was he going to make an anime? I guess that would mean that Shinji is Hideaki Anno, so... yeah.

Rei quickly grabbed his hands and stopped him just in time to keep Shinji's world from collapsing in on itself. "Don't."

"But this world's a bust... I'll find a different way to make everyone happy."

I know how you'd make me happy. FUCKING DIE.

"It's okay. I don't mind a little pain if she can find happiness in the end with you," Rei said softly, looking into Shinji's eyes.

This is like worrying about the happiness of your Sims. Just get them in the pool and delete all the ladders. Problem solved.

Shinji didn't know what to say, so he held Rei's gaze for an eternity. Or what passed for an eternity in the timeless aftermath of Third Impact. He broke the gaze after he felt a twitch from his lower body. He quickly turned away, a deep blush appearing on his face. "Are you sure?" Shinji asked, glancing back at Rei.

Rei nodded, the blush on her own normally pale face very evident.

"Watching you repeatedly get blueballed by a facsimile of me has made me inexplicably fall in love with you."

Just as he was about return his trance, he grabbed the popcorn out of Asuka's hands. "And I've told you not to eat MY popcorn, Asuka!" He took a handful of the popcorn, ate it, and then threw the rest in the trash. His eyes became vacant again as he returned to his contemplation of his perfect world, which was not so perfect anymore. Assuming it ever was perfect, that is.

Rei exhaled, as if relieved.

"Doesn't matter... he'll figure out that his life sucks no matter what universe he's in," Asuka mentioned.

See what you did, fanfic? You're making me agree with Asuka. This is wrong.

Rei snapped her head around. "Shut up!" she yelled.

Asuka recoiled at the outburst from the normally calm Rei.

Yeah, I also get confused when characters instantaneously shed characterization established over more than 20 episodes because a dumbfuck fic writer wants them to shack up.

-E- -V- -A-

Misato walked slowly through the park with the latest in a string of beers clasped in her hand, barely looking where she was going. In fact, several times she hit a pole or trash can. She kept picturing the interview she saw with Kaji and his 'fiancee'. "That two timing jackass! How dare he propose to me when he already had a fiancee! Hic!"

She continued her rants, some aloud and some silent, as she walked. She was so preoccupied that she didn't see the person who barreled into her and knocked her over. The two figures crashed to the ground. "Shit! Jackass, look where you..." She trailed off as she saw who had ran into her. "Shinji?"

Quick, Shinji! Get her on the rebound!

Shinji looked up from between Misato's breasts, which was where his head had landed. "Misato?" He gasped and slid off his teacher. "Um, sorry..."

Misato finally got a good look at Shinji. "What the f... hic... fuck is the matter with you boys! Always running around nak... nak... without clothes on!!"

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT DRUNK PEOPLE ARE LIKE.

Shinji gasped and covered himself with his hands. "Err... well... it's a long story."

"I bet it is. Jeez, why are men such sexy... sex starved maniacs?"

Shinji had the feeling she wasn't talking about him anymore, but considering his current state of dress, he decided to not say anything.

"My god, you even have a condom on! Hic! What a little pervert!" Misato grabbed Shinji's penis and pulled the condom off, making a loud snap. "Little boy's shouldn't play with fire, Shinji."

"I'm not a little boy!" Shinji screamed.

MIGHTY OAK MIGHTY OAK MIGHTY OAK MIGHTY OAK MIGHTY OAK MIGHTY FUCKING SHITCOCKING OAK.
Great, just great. Now I'm conditioned or something. Fuck you, Pavlov.

Misato turned around and chuckled. "No, maybe you're not. Too bad, that means you're just like all of those other men out there." A tear rolled down her cheek. She looked down at her hand and felt the condom between her fingers. "Hmmm... maybe I should give Kaji a... hic... taste of his own medicine. Shinji?" She turned around and saw that Shinji had already run off, missing a once in a lifetime chance. She shrugged, took another swig of beer, and started walking aimlessly again.

-E- -V- -A-

"Looks like Shinji ran off too fast! He missed his chance to fuck Misato," Asuka said, between chuckles.

"Shut up, Asuka!" Misato screamed.

Asuka frowned. "Third Impact is really starting to bite."

Is this just some kind of tic? Pokemon say their own name, Rika Furude says nipah, and Jim Lazar appends bite to every other fucking sentence.

"I'm so sorry to spoil the end of the world for you," Misato muttered. She grabbed another picture of Kaji from the Xerox machine and ripped it in half.

IT IS THE APOCALYPSE. WHY DO THEY HAVE A XEROX.

-E- -V- -A-

"Blam! Blam!" Kensuke called out holding a stick in front of him as it was a rifle. Then he rolled partway down the hill and then sprang to his feet and aimed his 'weapon'. "Blam! Blam!" Suddenly he clutched his chest, fell to the ground, and fell the rest of the way down the hill. As he reached the bottom he collided with something and went spinning into the nearby lake.

Kensuke flapped around for a few seconds in the deep water and then managed grab the edge of the embankment. He looked around looking for the person he crashed into.

"Damn, it! Look where you be going! Hic!"

"Misato? I'm sorry, I was just..." Kensuke said, then paused. Not wanting to say he was playing war, he just said, "I just fell."

"Down some stairs."

Misato pulled herself out of the lake and held out a hand for Kensuke. Kensuke reached up, grabbed her hand, and was pulled out of the cold lake. Then his glasses fogged over when he got a perfect view of Misato's breasts through her wet blouse. The water was apparently very cold, since her nipples stood out clearly under the fabric.

NIPPLES ARE ALWAYS ERECT. MY HENTAI TOLD ME SO.

"Well, at least you're not naked," Misato muttered, looking around for her can of beer. She spotted it floating in the lake. "Shit, that can was full."

"Huh?" Kensuke finished wiping his glasses off and squeezed some water out of his clothes.

Misato shrugged. "Nothing. What are you... hic... doing out so late?"

Is she... coming on to him?

Kensuke snapped to attention. "I finished my homework, Miss Katsuragi!"

"Relax, Kensuke, I'm not your teacher right now." Misato started walking.

Not knowing what else to do, Kensuke fell in beside her. "Oh. What are you doing out so late then?"

"Just thinking. Hic."

<Thinking with beer, it looks like,> Kensuke remarked to himself.

"This is your brain on beer. And this is your brain on fanfiction!

They walked a little further, more by accident than intending to walk together. "Um, I'll see you at school," Kensuke said suddenly, wanting to get out of this awkward situation.

Misato frowned. "Can you please just walk some more with me?"

Oh fuck she really is trying to get into his pants.

Kensuke was baffled, but agreed. They walked silently, if a little erratically due to Misato's current state of intoxication, for about fifteen minutes until they found themselves in front of Misato's apartment building.

Misato looked at the door to her building for a few moments, trying to make sure it was hers. Since her eyes wouldn't focus, she couldn't be sure. "Hmmm, care to come up?"

Kensuke couldn't believe this was happening. His brain said this was a mistake and he should be a gentleman and decline, but his hormones said, "Go for it, you wimp!" His hormones won out. Fourteen-year-old hormones are very powerful.

For fuck's sake.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji was almost home when he crashed into someone who had been standing near his apartment building. The two figures rolled over and crashed into some bushes. "I'm sorry," Shinji gasped, then made to get away. The voice of the person he'd crashed into stopped him cold.

"Shinji? Isn't it a bit cold to be streaking?" Asuka calmly asked while taking in the view.

Well, she didn't call him a pervert and slap him. I guess she really is the most normal person in this universe.

"Asuka! Um... it's a long story."

"No, it looks pretty short to me," Asuka insisted. She nodded down towards Shinji's groin and smirked.

Shinji seethed and slid his hands over his privates. "What would you know about that?"

Asuka recoiled. "I know plenty."

Is she trying to argue that she's fucked plenty of guys? Because that line of argument could be kind of counterproductive.

"You don't know anything! You always call me a little boy, but you're just a little girl yourself."

Asuka was startled by Shinji's sudden change in attitude. "What's gotten into you?"

"Nothing..." Technically he had gotten into something, but was rudely interrupted. He wasn't about to tell Asuka about that, of course.

"Yeah, right. Shinji, I've been your friend for years, tell me what's wrong," Asuka said, taking Shinji's hands in hers. This of course revealed his privates again, which Asuka noticed with a smirk.

Yeah. "Friend."
You know, I've had friends who included a satanist, a rapist, a more than a few druggies, but I'd still run for the hills if I saw Asuka, let alone were in a position to befriend her.

Shinji wasn't about to tell her the whole story, but found himself wanting to talk about it. But first there was something he had to take care of. "Err... can I get up to my room and get dressed before we talk about this?"

Asuka grinned. "If you insist, Shinji."

-E- -V- -A-

Later, Shinji was dressed and sitting on the bed next to Asuka. "I don't know... I liked this person, but things have suddenly become very complicated."

Asuka tried not to react to that statement. <Oh god, he's fallen in love with me because of that kiss. Asuka, you just don't know your own power.>

Ahahaha no.

While Asuka's inflated ego scolded herself, Shinji continued, "All the time I thought our relationship was progressing well, but suddenly I'm confronted with this situation... I don't know what to do."

Asuka didn't know what to say at first, but then came to a decision. "Shinji, I'm sorry that I confused you with that kiss."

Shinji looked up at Asuka, confused. "What?"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1ytCEuuW2_A

Asuka pulled Shinji into a tight embrace. "I like you a lot, Shinji." She pulled away and then planted a hot, wet kiss on Shinji's lips. Shinji was shocked first, but then got into the sensation and the two teenagers started making out on his bed.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka was chuckling in the theater. "Looks like I'm going to get to pop Shinji's cherry before you."

Rei frowned. "I think he's already lost his virginity to my other self."

Asuka huffed. "What? Being inside that little slut's vagina for a second or two? I don't think that counts. He has to come inside her..."

Why are they arguing about this? Are they really so into Shinji that they're arguing over which virtual reality representation of them is going to fuck him first?

"She's not a slut," Rei calmly insisted.

"Yeah? Look at what she's doing right now!" Asuka pointed to the smaller picture-in-picture viewpoint. It showed the other Rei in her bathtub, moaning Shinji's name.

"Asuka and Rei, will you two please shut up! Why the hell do you two care about this anyway? It's not REAL!" Misato screamed from her nest of torn up Kaji pictures.

THANK YOU.

"You seem pretty upset about Kaji cheating on that other Misato..." Asuka mentioned, smiling.

"I am not!" Misato insisted, pounding her fist against the wall. This caused a straw figure, which looked suspiciously like Kaji, to fall out of its hiding place and hang from a noose. A small dagger was stuck in its side.

Asuka smirked, then turned back to Rei. "Tell you what Rei... let's have a little bet."

"Bet?" Rei asked, confused.

"Whichever of our alter egos goes all the way with Shinji in his little fantasy world wins the bet."

"All the way?"

"I do not understand these human colloquialisms, Captain."

Asuka smirked. "Man, you are hopeless. Okay let me put it this way: The first girl he comes inside of wins the bet. Understand?"

Rei nodded. "Yes, that is acceptable. But what is the prize?"

"Good question... material goods aren't really useful since Third Impact," Asuka said, thinking furiously. "Misato, you have any ideas?"

"Oh, just fuck the real Shinji why don't you?!" Misato screamed, meaning it as a joke. Misato went back to watching her alter ego doing something on one of the small viewpoints, not that she'd admit that she was really watching it. She'd never imagined she could do that with Kensuke, or any kid. She frowned as a sudden movement from the viewpoint caught her eye. She tilted her head and her eyes widened in amazement. "Damn... Kensuke is pretty good for a beginner."

Fuck.

Asuka took Misato's remark literally. "Great idea! Winner gets to fuck this little boy in front of us... for real."

"Deal," Rei agreed, without hesitation.

They're part of a hive mind spanning the entire human race. All the great thinkers of our age, every thought and piece of human knowledge contained in those billions of individuals, anything that anyone could ever say, is there for the taking, and they can't think of anything better to do than try to fuck Shinji.
TIHO;/F';LHKT'Y/.,YM5908US9PFOKV[DPIOUIQP';LU79GHUO][-=.,LMKJEWIGUR`1

Asuka shook Rei's hand to seal the deal and smirked. <He's almost there with me already. This is one sure-fire bet.> It never occurred to her to wonder why she agreed to the prize; she had no desire to have sex with Shinji, did she?

HURR DURR.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji had Asuka's nipple between his lips when Asuka suddenly gasped and pulled away from him. She closed her blouse and stared at Shinji. "Damn, what do you think you're doing!"

Shinji bowed his head. "I'm sorry. I couldn't restrain myself."

"Dumpfbacke! I just kissed you. That doesn't give you the right to do that!"

Shinji frowned. Rei had never complained. <But... Rei was always the aggressor. Shit, what am I doing! I find out Rei has a kid and I start fooling around with Asuka?> "I'm sorry, Asuka."

He just heard that she was pregnant, not that she had a kid. Just how stupid is h- Oh. Right.

"You should be! Damn, you slobbered all over my breasts! Ick!" Asuka snapped, wiping her breasts off. Inwardly, she knew she had enjoyed the sensation, but wasn't ready to go further. Not yet, anyway. She finished re-buttoning her blouse, then walked to the door. Before leaving, she looked back and smiled sweetly. "Shinji, let's take this a little slower. You can take me on a date tomorrow night. Okay?"

"Err... okay."

-E- -V- -A-

"Damn! I screwed myself!" Asuka bellowed, dropping to the floor of the theater and placing her head in her hands.

"Maybe she will masturbate later, but she doesn't appear to be doing it now," Rei remarked, straight-faced.

Asuka wasn't sure if Rei was making a joke or not, but she didn't care. "Just shut up, will you?"

-E- -V- -A-

Kensuke awoke the next morning and opened his eyes. He blinked a few times and tried to make out what was in front of his face. He squinted and then recognized it. He recoiled from the breasts lying in front of him and fell onto the floor making a lot of noise in the process. This woke Misato up.

Damn it. Just... I don't even know anymore.

Misato rubbed her eyes and saw the naked boy on the floor. "Kensuke! God, you're just like Shinji and Touji!"

"Huh?" Kensuke looked around for his clothes, but didn't see them anywhere.

"Always running around naked! And you broke into my apartment, too!!"

"No, I didn't!"

Misato seemed to notice for the first time that she was also naked, so she covered herself up quickly. "Slimy little boy... I bet you jerked off over my naked body!"

Derp.

"No! What kind of slimy pervert would do that!" Kensuke proclaimed his innocence. "You invited me up here!"

Misato frowned and scratched her head, trying to remember last night. Some details started to pop back into her mind. "Oh god, no. How could I sleep with a little boy."

Kensuke's ego deflated as if popped with a pin.

This is why you always sneak out before she wakes up. Come on, Kensuke, you gotta be on the ball with these things.

Misato suddenly realized something, slipped her hands under the sheets, and checked something. The sticky feeling she found did not reassure her. "Oh no..." She buried her head in her hands and started to cry.

Kensuke was torn between comforting her, finding his clothes, and wanting to fuck her again. He knew the latter wasn't likely to happen again and he might be punched if he tried the former, so he chose to look for his clothes.

Misato looked up at hearing him move around. "What are you doing?"

Kensuke looked up and blushed. "Err... looking for my clothes."

"Good. Find them and get out!" Misato snapped.

"Yes, ma'am!" Kensuke snapped to attention, in every possible way since the sheet had fallen off Misato's body.

Get it? it is a dick joke

"And don't you dare tell anyone about this!" A pillow was thrown and hit Kensuke hard in the face. "I mean it. If I hear anything about this, I'll make Lorena Bobbitt look like a surgeon!"

Kensuke gulped as he recalled the infamous penis butcher of the last century. He retrieved his pants from on top of a tall cabinet where they had been thrown. He slipped them on, grabbed his shirt, and ran from the room. In his haste, he left his shoes and underwear behind.

"And I won't leave anything that can be reattached!" Misato shouted at the retreating teenager.

After he had gone, Misato held her legs tightly and curled up into a ball. "Shit, I better not get pregnant." She rocked back and forth for awhile and concluded, "This is all your fault, Kaji."

The first stage of grief...

-E- -V- -A-

Instead of going to school, Misato decided to confront Kaji. She didn't want a repeat of last night if she could help it. She also knew she couldn't face the students. Even if they didn't know what happened, she did. She stood in front of a little house and pressed the doorbell. A young woman in a maid's outfit answered it. At first, Misato was going to punch her, but then she realized it was not the woman named Maya that Misato had seen on the news, who was also Kaji's fiancee.

"Can I help you?" the young woman asked.

"I'd like to see Mr. Kaji, please," Misato asked, a tremble in her voice.

"I'm sorry, but he isn't seeing anyone today."

Oh, yay, more drama bullshit.

"He'll see me."

"And you are?"

"Misato Katsuragi."

"I'm really sorry, but Ms. Ibuki has specifically said that you are not allowed."

Misato snapped and landed a backhand to the maid's face, causing the young woman to fall to the ground. She stepped over the prone woman and made her way inside. "Kaji!"

Yes, breaking and entering is the perfect way of putting this whole pedophilia ephebophilia incident behind you.

"Oh god. Misato... this isn't a good time," Kaji said as he came around a corner. He quickly looked around, to make sure they were alone. "Please, I'll explain everything... but not here... and not now."

"Not good enough. I want to know about this little tramp, Maya, right now."

"She's not a tramp."

"So that would mean I am?"

Kaji put on a dashing smile and cupped Misato's head in his hand. "No, you are my most precious love." For a second it looked like he would kiss her, but then suddenly he shoved her outside and slammed the door shut.

A bewildered Misato sat on her butt and looked at the closed door with amazement. She jumped to her feet and started pounding on the door. "Kaji! You jerk!"

Back inside, Kaji was kneeling over the maid while Maya looked on from behind him. "What's going on?" Maya asked.

"Just that crazy woman who's been spreading those rumors," Kaji said, trying to wake up the maid. "She barged in and hurt Hanaki."

An original character? I'm surprised the Incompetent American Admiral from the episode where Asuka is introduced isn't the maid. Because it's not like the author hasn't been willing to shoehorn characters into the fic in the least logical way possible.

Maya frowned. "She had better just be a crazy woman. If I find out it's true, Daddy will withdraw his support for your campaign."

A dashing smile crossed Kaji's face and he stood up, dropping the maid's head in the process. He walked over to Maya and took her in his arms. "You know I love only you. Father or not, I want to spend my life with you."

Maya smiled and leaned up for a kiss. Kaji obliged her.

-E- -V- -A-

In addition to Misato, Rei didn't show up for school either. So Shinji sat awkwardly in homeroom and tried to avoid looking at Asuka. He looked up when Touji and Hikari came in. "Hey, Touji, Hikari."

Instead of saying hi, Touji held up a little wooden sign that read, 'Hi.'

Komedy!

Hikari smirked when he pulled the sign out. She had made a bet with him yesterday that he couldn't go two weeks without saying anything vile. She had no idea her boyfriend was inventive enough to come up with this idea. "Hi, Shinji."

Shinji frowned. "What's with the signs, Touji? Have you been watching too much Shin Seiki Ranma?"

Touji chose another sign out of his bag and held it up. It read, 'I have laryngitis that will last for 13 more days'.

If I laugh obligingly, will it make the fic go by faster?

Hikari chuckled.

"Exactly thirteen more days?" Shinji asked. Touji nodded. "What about the Eva championships?"

The what now?

Touji held up a sign that read, 'No problem'.

"Good, we probably should do some training before we leave."

"Good idea. Asuka, is that okay with you?" Hikari asked, looking over at Asuka.

"Um, is Rei still going to be playing with us?" Asuka asked.

"Yes, she is," Shinji declared, then glared at Asuka. "You have a problem with our FRIEND, Rei, playing with us?"

Asuka blinked, astonished at Shinji's resolve. "No... I guess not."

Shinji relaxed inwardly. "Good."

Touji leaned over to Hikari and held up a sign that read, 'What's up between Shinji and Asuka?'

How many of those things does he have?

"Don't know... you think they had a fight?" Hikari whispered to him. Touji shrugged. Their discussion was interrupted when Kensuke walked into the classroom. Actually, it was more like he strutted in.

"Hey, Kensuke, we were just talking about getting some practice in for the Eva Championships," Shinji said.

Kensuke looked up and adjusted his glasses, in a fashion that he had decided made him look more manly and mature. It took him a half an hour in front of a mirror that morning to perfect that manly look. "Well, Eva is so childish, but I will still play with my dear friends."

The others all looked at him oddly, wondering why he was acting like some evil madman from a B-movie.

-E- -V- -A-

After school, Shinji waited hidden outside Rei's apartment for her sister to leave. An older woman was with Ritsuko when she left. Shinji couldn't be sure that she was Rei's adoptive mother since he had never met her, but he decided to risk it because he desperately wanted to talk to Rei. He knocked on the door to Rei's apartment. After a few seconds the door opened, revealing Rei in a T-shirt and panties.

See, now, here's the problem. Maybe Ritsuko should just put her in a chastity belt.

"Shinji?" Rei brushed her hair out of the way and rubbed her eyes, she had obviously been crying. Her feelings at seeing him were mixed: happy that he was there and sad at what she assumed was a visit to break up with her.

"Rei, I wanted to talk to you."

Rei gulped, then motioned Shinji to come in. "The wicked witch and my mom are gone. Probably to arrange to move again."

"Move?"

"Yeah, they are talking about moving because of what happened yesterday. They always overreact trying to preserve their supposedly clean image in the community."

Apparently, someone has gotten Japan confused with Puritan New England.

They reached the living room and sat down on the sofa. "I'm sorry. It's my fault," Shinji said, after an awkward pause.

Rei smiled weakly. "No, it's mine. I wanted a nice boyfriend so badly that I pushed too hard and was careless."

"Well, you did use a condom," Shinji said, trying to break the tension.

Rei chuckled. "I should have gone to a hotel with you instead."

Yeah, but then they'd have to shell out for a double-size sleeping capsule.

"Maybe. Um, where is your kid anyway?" Shinji asked the question that had been haunting him since last night.

Rei gasped and looked downward, trying to hide her shame from Shinji. "Um, I don't have one."

"But your sister said..."

Rei interrupted Shinji. "I... I had a miscarriage after my old boyfriend beat me up when I told him I was pregnant."

I know that if there's one thing I love in my idiotic, immature nerd entertainment, it's miscarriage! Wait a second... why does this seem familiar?

"Oh no... I'm sorry." Shinji tried to say something more, but couldn't find the words, so he just put his hand over Rei's.

Rei didn't look up. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but after all that happened in Osaka-2, I knew no one would want a slut like me as a girlfriend."

"I don't think you're a slut."

"I am. I know it now. I used to do things..." Rei trailed off and looked down at the floor.

"What things?"

You know... things.

"Bad things. After the miscarriage, I was so confused..." Rei trailed off again, then seemed to switch thoughts. "If I can't even get a great guy like you when I put out, what use is there in even trying. No one's going to want damaged goods."

Shinji smiled. "It may surprise you, but I knew you weren't a virgin."

Rei looked up. "Really? Damn... what gave me away?"

Shinji burst out laughing. "Well, for one thing no one else I know could put a condom on so easily without some practice. I know I couldn't."

Then there was that acute burning sensation he felt upon penetration...

Rei allowed herself to smirk. "Oh... Well, I'm glad you came and let me explain. I hope I haven't been too much of a pain." She got up and started to walk away, but Shinji grabbed her hand and yanked her back.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

Rei just stared at Shinji for several seconds. "Huh? You're the one who's here to break up with me..."

"No, I just wanted to make sure you were okay. Your sister was pretty mad last night."

A tear rolled down Rei's cheek. "I... I... can't believe you would want to keep seeing me after knowing my past." The tears were flowing readily.

Yeah. I'd be grateful, too, to have such a great catch.
Fucking idiots, every one.

"Your past doesn't matter," Shinji said, pulling her into a hug. He knew it did bug him a bit, but he wasn't going to hold it against her.

Without lifting her head from Shinji's chest, Rei asked, "And if I say I can't have sex with you?"

Shinji flinched. "I'd be unhappy, but to tell you the truth, sometimes your forwardness scared me."

"I love you, Shinji."

Shinji stiffened. "I... err... ah..."

How sad is it that I'm proud at the author for not adding "in more ways than one" after "Shinji stiffened"?

"Shhhh, you don't have to say anything. Let's stay like this for a bit longer." Rei felt Shinji's arms tighten around her and the two teenagers held the embrace, afraid to let go.

-E- -V- -A-

"Awwwww, how freaking sweet," Asuka said as she looked at the hugging couple on the viewpoint. Then she smacked the Shinji in the theater with her on the head.

"God dammit, Asuka! Stop hitting me already!" Shinji yelled rubbing his head.

"Two timing louse! Leading me on and then running to Rei when I wouldn't fuck you!"

"Shut up! Who'd want to fuck a bitch like you!"

Man, this makes, like, four genuinely good lines in this whole fic. If I sifted through the other two "books," I might have enough all told to put together one good scene.

Asuka recoiled. "Damn, when did you grow a spine?"

Shinji ignored Asuka and looked over at Rei. "Are you sure you want this world to continue? It looks like you went through hell."

Rei nodded. "It's okay."

"No it's not okay!" Misato snapped and stormed over to Shinji. "How dare you make a world where Kaji doesn't love me!"

It's funny because she thinks Kaji loved her in the "real" world.

"Misato... I'm sorry, but when I envisioned this world, I did think that Kaji loved you. I don't know what happened..."

"So tear it up then!" Misato screamed, pointing at the storyboards in front of Shinji.

Shinji glanced at Rei. "I'm sorry, I can't."

Misato came over and pressed her naked chest against Shinji's face. "Please?"

"Mis...ato?"

"Hey, cut that out!" Asuka screamed, pulling Shinji away by his penis.

Calm down, bitch. It's not a handle.

"Owwww!" Shinji screamed in pain. "Will you stop pulling my penis!"

"You know you love it!" Asuka remarked.

"No, you love it! You god damned tease!"

If the whole fic was this, it might not be horrible. Well, maybe Lucky Star horrible, but at least it wouldn't be Panty & Stocking horrible.

"Who are you calling a tease?!"

"You!"

"Better than that slut Rei!"

Shinji snapped and pulled his arm back, as if to slap Asuka. She cringed backwards. Shinji's eyes widened as he realized what he had almost done. "Oh no... Asuka, I'm sorry. I didn't..."

He reached over to assure Asuka that he wouldn't hurt her, but she slapped his hand away. "Don't touch me. You think you're the only one who has it tough, don't you. Only your happiness matters. Only you..."

Shinji flinched. "No... I..."

"Go back to your little slut," Asuka turned and walked away into the darkness.

Shinji dropped to his knees and stared at the ground. "I can't take this any more."

This is exactly how I feel right now.

Rei and Misato came up and each put a hand on his shoulders. "Yes, you can," Rei said softly.

"You can continue, if you choose to," Misato added.

"Choose. Is it all about my choice? Was Asuka right? Am I just worried about my happiness?"

Misato knelt down in front of Shinji. "No. You wanted to scrap your world because you didn't think Rei was happy."

"But..."

Rei knelt down. "Things may not be perfect, but aren't they better off than what was?"

"May not be perfect" is a bit of an understatement.

Shinji nodded, although he was still uncertain if things were better. "But what about Misato?"

Misato took a deep breath. "As Asuka said, it's your choice. But to tell you the truth, Kaji never was that faithful to me before." She seemed to straighten suddenly, as if a great weight had been lifted from her shoulders. This caused her breasts to stick out further, but that's not important right now. Neither is the fact that sweat was dripping from them. Really, that's not important to the ongoing story at all.

"So you both want this world to continue?" Shinji asked, looking up at them both.

Rei nodded right away, but Misato's nod was a little slower in coming.

"Okay, but I hope it doesn't get any worse."

It will. Somehow, it will.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei and Shinji were snuggling together on the couch. "Shinji there's more about me that you should know."

Shinji ran his hands gently through her hair. "What?"

"I'm a clone of your dead mom."

"Um... after the miscarriage, I guess I was a bit confused and slept with a lot of boys."

"That's okay."

"And some men."

"That's okay."

Shinji, I know that this is probably the only chance you'll have at scoring with an actual chick, but sometimes you have to know when to give up.

"And some women."

Shinji's eye twitched, among other things that twitched. "That's okay."

Damn it, Jim, and I was starting to reconsider my plans to hunt you down and skin you alive.

"For money and gifts."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "Tha... that's okay."

"I mean, you may have literally been a prostitute, but it's not like you were a slut or anything. Because that would be unforgivable."

"I also danced naked in front of the entire male student body at my last school."

Protip: heavy-handed melodrama does not go well with retarded comedy.

Shinji's body trembled. "That's okay..."

"Some of the girls were there too, I think."

Shinji's mighty oak twitched again.

YOU COCK-SHITTING FUCKHUMPING TITWHORE.

"Th... they were all lucky to see it. Err... you didn't sleep with all of them, did you?"

Rei blushed. "No..." Shinji visibly relaxed. "Just some of them." Shinji grew tense again.

Recalling something, Shinji asked, "I thought you said a while back that you weren't a lesbian?"

"I'm not."

"But you just said..."

What's this "bisexuality" thing? Is it, like, an IKEA chair or something?

"Oh, that was just for the money," Rei said, as if that made it all right.

"I see." Shinji shuddered.

-E- -V- -A-

Back in the theater, Rei stood staring at the viewpoint. "Okay, maybe she is a slut," she said calmly.

Asuka smirked. "See, told you so."

"No need to gloat. It just means I'm sure to win the bet," Rei remarked, confidently.

"Ha, the war's not over until the so-called mighty oak blows its load."

YOU DOUBLE COCKSHITTING FUCKHUMPING TITWHORE.

Rei frowned, as if confused. "I was under the impression that the girl does the blowing?"

-E- -V- -A-

After a few seconds of silence, Shinji asked, "Is that it?"

Rei concentrated. "I think that's the worst of it. Um... actually... you know the sex cheats in the Eva game?"

"Yes."

"The female Eva bodies are based on mine."

Shinji gasped and then thought about it. "I thought your body looked familiar."

I... Ugh. This is the worst thing.

Rei allowed herself to smile. "Not even the game designer knows that I modeled for those. By the way..." Her latest confession about her adoptive mother being the game designer was interrupted by the sound of

the front door opening. Rei jumped to her feet. "Oh shit... my mom and sister are back!" She quickly grabbed Shinji and pulled him into her bedroom.

"Damn, what'll we do?" Shinji asked, as he looked around her bedroom.

A voice called from outside her room. "Rei?!"

"Out the window, quick!" Rei said, pointing.

Shinji dashed for the window and crawled out onto the narrow ledge. He was going to make his way down, when he heard voices from her room.

Rei sat on the bed, shaking her head. "No! I'm not going to move again!"

"Rei, it's for the best. Mom is out of town talking with perspective employers right now. You have to stop sleeping with every boy you meet," Ritsuko said, sitting down by Rei's side.

Just the boys? Going by her story earlier, she was fucking everything with a pulse.

"I don't!"

"Yeah, right. Then why did I pull you off that little walking cock last night?" Ritsuko asked.

You know, "walking cock" might make a decent band name.

Outside, Shinji almost lost his temper and said something before he realized he wasn't exactly in a good position to have an argument with anyone right now.

"Shut up, Sis! I've only slept with a few guys. You've probably slept with thousands!" Rei knew she was lying about her own count, but she knew for a fact that her sister had been with many more guys that she had.

Shinji chuckled.

Without thinking, Ritsuko replied, "Not when I was fourteen!" Rei started laughing. When Ritsuko realized what she said, she blushed.

Is this almost over?

Rei smirked. "Sis, you have no right to call me a tramp when you've had such a sordid love life yourself!"

Ritsuko's expression softened and she sat down on a chair across from Rei. "Rei, I don't want you to make the same mistakes I have. Yes, I was having sex when I was your age. That doesn't make it right."

"I'm sick of everyone telling me what to do with my life. If I want to be with Shinji, I will!"

"I forbid it!"

Ist verboten! Der Fuhrer Ritsuko commands you!

Rei stood up and glared at Ritsuko. "I'd wish Mom had never adopted me! What a sorry excuse for a family this is!"

"Well, I'm so sorry! Maybe you'd want to spend your life in an orphanage or maybe end it in the wastebasket of some doctor's back room?!"

Remember, this started off as a (nominal) comedy.

"It's got to be better than having a bitch like you around!"

Ritsuko stood up and slapped Rei hard, causing Shinji to flinch at the sound. "Dammit! I wish I'd never given birth to you!!" she blurted.

Rei's eyes went wide. "Gave... birth... to me?"

The... fuck?

Both of the them were so shocked, Rei at hearing that and Ritsuko at letting the long held secret slip, that they didn't hear Shinji's startled cry from outside. They also didn't hear it when he slipped from the ledge and fell three stories into a pile of garbage.

Ritsuko stumbled backwards as she realized what she had just blurted. "Oh... Rei..." She took a step towards her 'daughter', holding out a shaky hand.

"I'm your... daughter?" Rei gasped, not wanting it to be true.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I was only fifteen when I gave birth to you. Mom... my mom... thought it would be better if she raised you."

Ritsuko is Rei's mother.
...
BULL FUCKING SHIT.

Rei fell to the floor and stared at the ground, refusing to acknowledge what she'd just been told. "No... no... you're trying to trick me."

Ritsuko looked sadly at Rei and fourteen years of lying came to a sudden end. "I'm sorry, but it's the truth," she said softly. Tears came to Ritsuko's eyes as she realized that she could finally tell her daughter the truth. A part of her hated the lies and cherished the chance to tell all. "I didn't want to give you up, but my mom insisted. She didn't want to drag her families' good name through the dirt, although I never knew what was so special about the Akagi name that had her so worried. In the end she paid some corrupt politician to get your birth certificate to read 'Rei Ayanami' and adopted you," she explained, then added a sarcastic afterthought, "I think she even won some humanitarian of the year award for her good deed of adopting an orphan."

This is... no. It's too stupid, even by the author's outlandishly low standards.


"No! This can't be... I'm nothing like you!" Rei insisted, but deep down she felt the truth behind Ritsuko's words.

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

Her grandmother, who Rei had thought was her adoptive mother, was always worried about appearances. No matter what Rei did, her grandmother had always scolded Rei about how it reflected on her and their family. <Some family.> She
huffed and glared at the woman who she once called a sister. Now she didn't know how to think of her birth mother, Ritsuko.

"Unfortunately, you are all too much like me. I've tried to be a mother to you as best I could and keep you from making the same mistakes that I did, but you always resisted."

Turns out that raising someone who thinks you're her sister is hard. Who knew?

Rei jumped to her feet and shouted. "How could you both lie to me for my whole life! I hate you!" She ran from her room and down the hall.

"Rei, wait!"

"Bite me!" Rei called back.

Fucking... balls.

Ritsuko started to go after her, but then decided that there wasn't anything she could say right now that would help. The chance to make things right with her daughter had passed years ago when a then eight-year-old Rei asked who her real mother was. "I'm sorry, Rei. I should have told you back then. I only went along with my mom's plan because I love you." She slunk to her knees and started to cry. The front door was heard slamming.

But who heard it slamming?

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka, who was dressed in a pretty dress with her face made up, stood in front of her apartment. She fidgeted and looked at her watch again. "Where is Shinji?"

-E- -V- -A-

At that moment, one Shinji was lying unconscious in a pile of garbage.

In the theater, the other Shinji was staring vacantly into nothingness. He trembled as he saw his perfect world start to rot, like a pile of garbage left in the sun too long. Rei was at his side and held his hand to comfort him. Asuka was laughing her head off.

See, it's a metaphor that skillfully comments on his situation both figuratively and literally and is not at all ham-fisted and moronic.

[End - Garden of EVA 0:8 - Rei's Past Bites!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:


Not quite as shocking as the last cliffhanger, but it's still a stunning revelation.

Dumpfbacke is German for dumb-ass.

ie Jim Lazar.


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SirMax


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post Feb 26 2011, 12:44 PM
Even with the commentary, that was an ordeal to get through. Good job on the mock so far- or is that seriously the end?


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shiroamasa


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post Feb 26 2011, 01:37 PM
Is it wrong that I want to die after reading this? Cause that's what I'm feeling.

Also, 355 posts!

This post has been edited by shiroamasa: Feb 26 2011, 01:39 PM


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"How rude!" HCBailly, playing Secret of Mana.

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post Feb 26 2011, 01:56 PM
There's actually one more chapter and one more side-story. I'll probably post the final chapter in two parts, since it's rather long. As in, more than 10,000 words.

In retrospect, I really should have picked a shorter fic. I just want this to end.


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post Feb 26 2011, 03:34 PM
This is part 1 of the final chapter of Garden of Eva: This Bites. After this I'll riff the side story Outtakes Bite and then wash my hands of this abomination. Because, bar some sudden loss of sanity (which, admittedly, is becoming more of a possibility with every word I read of this fic), I am never going to go through the sequels, Sucks and Blows. Ever.

[EVA][Fanfic][VeryLime] Garden of EVA 0:9 - Love Bites!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:9 - Love Bites!

You know, you'd think that after nine chapters of inexplicably referring to everything as biting, someone would actually get bitten.

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim Lazar

And the best proof we have that things were not necessarily better in the past.

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

Didn't you know? This story is set in Japan!
Kawaii desu arigatou sugoi gomen seppuku onii-chan-sama-sempai-san!

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
As soon as I come up with another cute and funny warning about all the sex, nudity, language, plot twists, and other general naughty stuff that is in this story, I'll put it here. This one may cross the Lime/Lemon line once or twice, but isn't fully lemon. Probably.

At this point, I'd say the distinction between porn and less explicit porn isn't the most pressing issue facing this fic.

=======================================================================
A few elements from the End of Evangelion movie are evident in this part, but nothing that should spoil your enjoyment (or revulsion) of the movie once you see it (if you haven't already).

I am going to feel severely cheated if this does not end with the whole main cast dying. It'd even be worth the metaphysical mindfuck.

=======================================================================


"No! This can't be... I'm nothing like you!" Rei insisted, but deep down she felt the truth behind Ritsuko's words. Her grandmother, who Rei had thought was her adoptive mother, was always worried about appearances. No matter what Rei did, her grandmother had always scolded Rei about how it reflected on her family. <Some family.> She huffed and glared at the woman whom she once called a sister. Now she didn't know how to think of her birth mother, Ritsuko.

A blonde Japanese has a blue-haired albino kid. Fucking genetics, how do they work?

"Unfortunately, you are all too much like me. I've tried to be a mother to you and keep you from making the same mistakes that I did, but you always resisted."

Maybe because teenagers aren't good at being parents under the best of circumstances, much less when their kid is convinced that they're siblings. Yeah, Rei being screwed up is such a mystery.

Rei jumped to her feet and shouted. "How could you both lie to me for my whole life?! I hate you!" She ran from her room and down the hall.

"Rei, wait!"

"Bite me!" Rei called back.

I don't even mind having to riff the same passage twice, since it's bound to be less odious than the rest of the chapter.

Ritsuko started to go after her, but then decided that there wasn't anything she could say right now that would help. The chance to make things right with her daughter had passed years ago when a then eight-year-old Rei asked who her real mother was. "I'm sorry, Rei. I should have told you back then. I only went along with my mom's plan because I love you." She slunk to her knees and started to cry. The front door slammed shut.

Well, that's some pretty serious drama. Who's ready for some mighty oak jokes?

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka, who was dressed in a pretty dress with her face made up, stood in front of her apartment. She fidgeted and looked at her watch again. "Where is Shinji?"

-E- -V- -A-

At that moment, one Shinji was lying unconscious in a pile of garbage.

In the theater, the other Shinji was staring vacantly into nothingness. He trembled as he saw his perfect world start to rot, like a pile of garbage left in the sun too long. Rei was at his side and held his hand to comfort him. Asuka was laughing her head off.

I think I'd be, too, all things considered.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei rushed out of her apartment building and ran. It didn't matter where, she just ran. She stopped running when she heard a rotting pile of garbage groan, which garbage usually doesn't do in Tokyo-3. Well, maybe if it's left out in the sun too long down by the nuclear power plant.

A nuclear power plant in Japan... I'm guessing it was built sometime after the Germans converted their electrical grid to run off Pole-fired crematoriums.

She looked into the pile and gasped. "Shinji?" She dug through the bags and helped Shinji out. "What were you doing in there?"

Shinji stood up, rubbed his head, and brushed the garbage off his clothes. "I... sort of fell off your ledge when I heard your sister say she was your mother."

"Oh, you heard that?" Rei asked, lowering her head awkwardly. Shinji nodded. "I don't know what to do... everything I know is a lie." Tears started to flow from her eyes again. "What's wrong with me?"

Aside from being a fictitious teenage prostitute created by a depressed naked boy who brought about the end of the world and is now imagining an alternate reality in order to cope with you being a clone of his dead mother? Nothing at all.

"Nothing. This isn't your fault, no one chooses their parents. Trust me, I'd trade my father for a new one in a second. Ummm... I don't know what... err..." Shinji lost his train of thought after an impressive start. He looked nervously at her. "Damn, I'm no good at this stuff!"

Wait, Shinji still resents Gendo? You'd think that he'd have done something about that when he created a PERFECT WORLD.

Rei smiled at Shinji's uneasiness and snuggled up to his arm. "That's okay, just hold me. That's all I need right now."

Shinji wrapped his arm around Rei and they started walking through the streets without any real destination in mind.

If don't know. If I were Shinji, I'd be pretty eager to get to a clinic and get checked for VDs.

-E- -V- -A-

Dawn. A simple word that is used to describe one of the most glorious events known to mankind. This particular dawn shone its light over the streets of Tokyo-3, casting long shadows across the ground. For some reason, the shadows seemed to look like naked women.

In a small park, Shinji shielded his eyes from the sudden light that flared in his eyes. As his eyes adjusted to the glare, he looked down and saw Rei sleeping with her head in his lap. He smiled. To hear Touji talk, girls were only good for having sex with. Spending the night wandering the streets holding hands with Rei and just talking was more pleasurable that anything he had ever done or could imagine. They had stumbled across this small park and then cuddled together before sleep claimed them.

And then were savagely beaten by hobos.

Somehow, the thought of finding someplace to have sex hadn't even occurred to him last night.

See, Shinji, this is why you're a perma-virgin. You have to get them when they're emotionally vulnerable! Strike while the iron's hot, man!

It was occurring to him at that moment because of the erection he had. He tried to ignore it as he remained still and gently stroked Rei's hair. "Morning," he said, when she finally stirred.

Rei looked up at Shinji and smiled. "Good morning. Is that an erection in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"

Oh motherfucker. Now he's not even trying.

Shinji laughed. "Both."

Rei rose and gave Shinji a deep kiss. "So what do we do now?"

She has just provided Shinji one of the best openings possible. Let's see how he responds.

"I don't know."

NO! You idiot!

"I'm not going back to my place."

"I understand. Err... do you want to go to school?"

"Not really, I don't even have my uniform," Rei said.

All Japanese must be in uniform at all times! That is what Japanese do in Japan! In case you couldn't already tell, this fanfic is very Japanese!

Shinji suspected that her uniform wasn't only reason she didn't want to go to school. "Let's just find someplace to have breakfast and then see what happens."

"Okay."

-E- -V- -A-

Misato sat on top of Kensuke's lap and bounced up and down. "Yeeeeeee ha! Ride 'em... cowboy!" she cried out between pants.

You fuck... bitchcock... Eh, I'm too tired for freestyle profanity right now.

Kensuke's face was strained as he watched Mistao's breasts bounce up and down.

Misato screamed in ecstasy as she felt something fill her up.

Why would you write this.

Misato screamed in terror and sat upright suddenly. She looked around and noticed she was in her apartment and lying in a pool of her own vomit. "When did I get home?" she muttered, and dragged herself to her bathroom, stripping off her clothes on the way. She slid the door open to the bathroom and then gasped as she saw Kensuke sitting in her tub.

Misato lurched backwards and screamed in terror. <I couldn't have had sex with Kensuke again last night... could I have?>

sad.gif

"Oh, you're awake."

Misato started at hearing the voice. <That wasn't Kensuke's voice.> She shook her head to clear it. After her eyes managed to focus, she saw it was Kaji in her tub. "Kaji? What the hell are you doing here?"

Well, at least he's above the age of consent. I guess that's some improvement.

"I came to see the most beautiful woman in the world, of course," Kaji said and stood up.

In the theater, Asuka was trying to look around the Misato in the bathroom to get a look at the naked Kaji. "Dammit, get out of the way!" Not for the first time, she wished the viewpoint had multiple angles.

It is a dream world. Why would it not have multiple angles. This is the dumbest thing.

"Oh, sit down and enjoy the show. If that Misato is anything like me, she'll be beating him up in no time!" Misato said from her nest of torn-up Kaji pictures.

"Nope, they are going at it like squirrels in heat," Asuka mentioned.

Squirrels are widely known to be the horniest of animals.

"What!" Misato screamed and raced over to look at the viewpoint that Asuka was watching. "They are not!" she screamed when she saw that Misato and Kaji were just standing close and talking. Well, Kaji was talking and Misato was screaming.

"Made you look!"

Misato glared at Asuka. "Damn, I should never have put you in Unit Two before Third Impact. Then I wouldn't have to put up with you now."

If Asuka were turned into Tang while comatose, would she have been in a coma in Instrumentality? If so, this whole story could have been avoided, since Shinji would've had his perfect world then and there.

Back in the bathroom, Kaji just grinned and smiled charmingly while Misato scolded him. When Misato finished her tirade, Kaji spoke. "I'm sorry, but I had to get you out of my house before Maya could find out that I really love only you. If I lose her father's support I can kiss the election goodbye."

"Why didn't you ever tell me all this before?!"

Maybe because Kaji is a shameless womanizer. Sort of like a Japanese Kennedy.

"Because I have to be careful. Ever since that scandal with that American President back before Second Impact, the public will forgive an affair while in office, but not before," Kaji explained, taking a step closer toward Misato.

Yes. Bill Clinton truly had a momentous impact on Japanese politics.

Misato had to think about Kaji's statement for a while before she thought she understood. "I guess that makes sense," she said softly, but was uncertain exactly why it made sense. Then she suddenly recalled some details of that affair. "But am I going to be your wife or the mistress with the bad fashion sense?"

Asking if someone would rather be Monica Lewinsky or Hillary Clinton is sort of like asking how they'd like to be executed; there's no good option, only marginally less unpleasant ones.

"You will be my wife, of course. Maya is only there for the political benefits. Once I'm in office, she's history."

Because politicians are notorious for divorcing their wives the moment they get into office.

"Kaji, I never knew you were so devious," Misato commented, then closed the final gap between her and Kaji. She slipped into his waiting arms and leaned up for a kiss. He obliged her.

Misato sat on the floor of the theater and sniffled. "I knew that Kaji really loved me," she said, wiping her eyes.

Wow. Not that she was particularly brilliant in Evangelion, but here Misato is a special kind of special.

Asuka glanced back at Misato's nest of torn-up Kaji pictures and smirked. "Yeah, I know you trusted him all along." Then she started to stare at the viewpoint as Misato and Kaji took advantage of their being naked and in the bathroom. "Hmmm, I guess Shinji is a little longer," she commented as she hit the freeze frame on the remote.

TOOTHPICKS.

"Told you so," Misato said, smiling at the happy couple enjoying their bath in front of her. Not that they were really taking a bath, mind you. "Hit slow motion, will ya?"

Asuka gladly complied and then hit the record button as well. Purely for archival purposes, mind you.

I like how Shinji's perfect world is actually a VCR. I know that when I die, I plan on having my consciousness be preserved via entertainment technology.

-E- -V- -A-

Ritsuko wandered the streets looking for Rei. Her mascara was running from the tears she'd been shedding since Rei had run out the night before. <Dammit, Rei, where are you?>

Ayanami-doo, where are you?

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka was standing in the Ikari apartment's entryway wearing her school uniform and holding her book bag. "So he didn't come home last night?"

"No, I'm afraid not. My husband said he was going to look for him before work," Yui said, looking very worried.

What's with all the sex scenes and inept drama? I'd love to see Gendo heading up a rescue party. He'd probably raze half the city just so there'd be fewer places to search.

Asuka frowned. "I wonder where he is. It's not like him to stand me up."

"Oh, are you two dating?"

Asuka blushed. "Err... sort of. Last night would have been our first date. I hope he's okay."

"How nice. Everyone says that you two would make a cute couple," Yui said, pulling Asuka into a hug.

If your definition of "cute" includes girl-on-guy domestic abuse, then yeah, I suppose so.

In the theater, Asuka smirked and looked over at Rei. "Ha!" Rei ignored the redhead.

"Well, if he doesn't show up for school, I'll get the gang to look for him afterwards," Asuka said as she left the apartment.

Asuka has numerous contacts with the Yakuza.

"Thank you, Dear. And welcome to the family," Yui said as the door closed.

Asuka frowned. <Gee, I only said we were going on one date. I'm hardly going to marry a little boy like Shinji. Although, little boys do grow into men.> She walked towards school, trying to keep a lookout for Shinji on the way.

Sometimes little boys grow into manchildren. What then, Asuka? What then?

-E- -V- -A-

That afternoon, Shinji and Rei were sitting in a cafe, nursing a couple of bottomless cups of tea. The waitress strolled up. "Is there anything I can get you to eat... YET?" she asked, curtly.

"Um... no thank you," Rei said quietly.

After the waitress left, Shinji leaned over to Rei. "I don't think that waitress is going to let us stay too much longer. Maybe we should decide what to do now. "

Rei sighed. "I know. I'm not going back to my place. Err... can I spend the night at your place?"

Do it.

Shinji gulped. "Well, err... my parents are home."

MAN THE FUCK UP.

Rei smiled knowingly. "I know. I just need someplace that I can think. You know, away from my sis... mother."

Her loving smother.

Shinji blushed at realizing he had jumped to the wrong conclusion. "I guess I can tell my mom that you're having problems at home. She's pretty good about stuff like this."

"That's the truth. I'm not even sure I know what a home is anymore," Rei commented. She slid out of the booth and stood up.

Home is where the heart is. Of course, being an angel-human hybrid abomination, Rei probably lacks any sort of recognizable organs.

Shinji put some coins down and took her hand as they walked out of the restaurant together.

A while later they were headed towards Shinji's home when Rei glanced down a side street and noticed some neon signs in the distance. She stopped suddenly and grinned.

Shinji looked back at Rei. "What's wrong?"

"How much money do you have on you?" Rei asked.

"A few thousand Yen, why?"

That's, what, about 35 cents?

"I think maybe... I like your original thought about tonight better," Rei said, smiling devilishly. She then pulled Shinji down the side street towards a row of hotels.

"What?" Shinji asked, then realized where Rei was pulling him. "Err... a love hotel?"

Rei blushed and nodded. "Is it okay?"

DO IT. DO IT TO IT.

Shinji gulped and nodded, causing Rei to smile broadly. "I think... that I..." Shinji was interrupted by a shrill voice from behind them.

"Shinji! What the hell are you doing!" the voice cried out.

See, Shinji? This is why you have to settle for a child prostitute.

Shinji tripped over a crack in the sidewalk when he recognized the voice. When he looked up from the ground, he saw Asuka running up to them. "Err... hi, Asuka."

"Hi? Hi?! The gang and I have been looking all over for you, you piece of garbage!" Asuka shouted.

"Why?" Shinji asked, wondering if Asuka smelled the garbage from last night.

"Why?! You little dork! Your mom is worried sick about you not coming home last night and you skip school, apparently with Rei, and you ask why?" Asuka said, or screamed, in this case.

You can just feel the concern.

"Damn, I should have called my mom. Asuka, I..." Shinji said, but Rei interrupted him.

"Good afternoon, Asuka," Rei said calmly, not looking up from the sidewalk.

Asuka wasn't sure how to respond to the calm greeting, so she just returned it. "Good afternoon, Rei. Err... Shinji can I talk to you?" She nodded her head away from Rei.

"Err... sure." Shinji followed Asuka a short way down the street while Rei calmly waited.

Keeping her voice down, Asuka leaned over to Shinji. "Why did you stand me up last night, you bastard?!"

Technically, Rei is the bastard.

Shinji looked confused, but then he remembered their date. "Oh no! I'm sorry, Asuka!"

"You will be! Standing me up and then sleeping with that dirty little lesbian!" Asuka ignored the fact that if Shinji did sleep with Rei, then she wouldn't be a lesbian. Bi maybe, but not a lesbian.

Oh, hey, the b-word!
Wait... He isn't going to resolve this by... Oh please no...

"I didn't sleep with her!!" Shinji insisted, loudly. After blushing and looking around at the passing pedestrians, he spoke in a soft tone. "It's complicated. Rei found out last night that she wasn't really adopted and that the woman she thought was her sister, was really her mother."

Asuka gasped and recoiled in shock. "That's terrible. No wonder she's so screwed up."

I fully expect the last scene to be Shinji and Rei going on Maury Povich.

Shinji wanted to correct her, but a part of him knew she was right. Rei did have some very serious problems. "I know, but WE are her friends, so I think we should try to make her feel better."

"I don't know..."

"Asuka, can you just please get over that stupid kiss? It didn't mean anything. She needs her friends now more than ever."

"Well... okay. You'll just have to pay me back by taking me to some really great place for our makeup date." Asuka winked, turned around, and walked over to Rei. She didn't notice Shinji get very nervous at the mention of the date.

Oh FFS.

Asuka slipped in beside Rei and wrapped her arm around the girl. "Shinji told me what happened. I'm sorry." She was a little amazed to find that she meant it. Despite her anger at Rei kissing her, Asuka did like Rei as a friend. Probably.

Gee, Asuka sure has a hangup about Rei kissing her. You'd almost think tha- Oh. Ohhhh...

Rei sniffled. "Thanks. I can't believe that my sister wo... err... my mother would do this to me."

"Yeah, well, parents can be a real pain in the ass sometimes. Sometimes when my mom nags me over the stupidest things, I just want to strangle her." She then started listing examples. "Asuka, pickup your clothes. Asuka, put your books away.

"Asuka, stop killing Jews."

Asuka, stop mast... err... but you get the idea." She blushed before finishing. "Cheer up, kiddo, let's go find the gang. We'll just hang out and you can forget your troubles."

"I don't know..." Rei glanced awkwardly at Shinji.

Shinji was a little surprised at how caring Asuka sounded. "Come on, Rei, we're all your friends. Right, Asuka?"

Asuka paused for a second, but then agreed. "Of course, let's go have some fun!" She grabbed Rei's hand and pulled her down the street. Shinji followed after adjusting something in his pants that had become noticeable.

Oh, come on! I had about twenty pictures of oak trees queued! I feel cheated.

-E- -V- -A-

"Unit 01, Angel at eight o'clock."

How sad is it that the monotonous giant robot fighting has now become a refreshing change of pace?

"Ahhh, at least I have two hours to prepare for it then," Shinji remarked, just before the Angel sliced his Eva in half.

"That sense of humor is never going to win us the championship, Shinji," Asuka said, while she sliced the legs and one other appendage off the anatomically correct Angel standing in front of her.

The fuck?

"This was a good idea, Asuka," Shinji remarked, looking over at Rei while his Eva regenerated. She was using Unit 00 to hack apart a bunch of Angels that had taken on Ritsuko's appearance.

"Yes, Rei seems to letting her anger out all right. How'd she get the Angels to change into the image of her mother anyway?" Asuka asked. She flinched when she saw Rei slice another Ritsuko in half, starting at the groin and slicing upwards.

Shinji had just started to grapple with an enemy Eva drone when he responded. "I don't know, she's always seemed to know all the secrets of this game." He thrust upwards with his progressive knife and gutted his enemy, causing the multicolored guts to ooze out onto the ground.

Evas with genitalia? Check.
Swarms of generic Angels that get killed in the same sentence they're introduced? Check.
The game working in ways that no actual game would? Check.
A complete disregard for the fight scenes in the source material? Check.

Yep, this is Garden of Eva alright.

The battle went on. The gang worked on some team movements. Well except for Rei and Kensuke, who had other things on their mind. Rei was preoccupied with killing every Ritsuko on the battlefield, and doing pretty thorough job of it, while Kensuke was off by himself playing the sex-cheat version of the game.

FML.

"Kensuke, are you going to train for the championship or just keep screwing those female Angels?" Asuka asked, after spotting Kensuke on the edge of the battlefield.

HOW CAN AN ANGEL BE FEMALE? Come on, which one is Kensuke fucking? Is it the one that looks like a giant dick with tentacles, or the glowing double-helix? Hey, maybe it's the computer virus Angel!

Kensuke's Unit 10 had its unit inserted into the female Angel and was rocking back and forth. He didn't reply to the question.

Urge... to kill... rising...

"Damn, what's gotten into Kensuke?" Asuka asked the others.

Without thinking, Touji responded. "Looks like he's the one who has gotten into... urk..." He suddenly went silent, realizing he'd almost said something vile and lost his bet with Hikari.

Over in her entry plug, Hikari smiled. She switched to a private channel with Touji before speaking. "Close call there, Slick. You almost said something vile."

"What and lose out on the prize?" Touji said, winking. Fortunately, Hikari couldn't see the wink.

In a story where it's been established that Evas can wink for some reason? Huh.

While Hikari was thinking if that was a vile comment or not, she sliced an enemy Eva's head off. "I guess that wasn't vile."

"Damn, right it wasn't," Touji agreed, then suddenly yelled out. "Hikari, to your left!"

Hikari looked quickly to her left, while jumping backwards. It was lucky she did, since the Angel that had leapt at her flashed through the air in front of her. Hikari managed to raise one of her progressive swords and sliced an arm off the gelatinous Angel. A sparkle appeared in her eye as she realized how to deal with this Angel. Her Eva jumped onto the Angel and bit into its neck.

Touji dealt with an enemy Eva unit had blindsided him while he warned Hikari. He then looked over to his girlfriend. "Taste good?"

An edible Angel.
A FUCKING EDIBLE ANGEL.
]R[KP.,/JHK|}>W4GI3UOKWLVE;KJILUG3T7R2OFMNB()*HGNFDBS

"Not as good as you do," Hikari said, looking up from the Angel's stomach she was finishing devouring.

"Ha! Vile comment!" Touji pointed out.

"So? You're the one who can't say anything vile," Hikari reminded him.

Touji frowned. "Oh, yeah... Hey! You haven't tasted me yet."

Hikari chuckled. "You'd be surprised at how tasty your lips are."

"I can't wait to taste your lips, hot stuff. Both sets."



Hikari went silent and gasped. <Shit, I was sort of hoping he'd make it for the two weeks.> She was about to scold Touji, when she was gutted by an Angel. It ripped into her Eva's chest cavity and started ripping out various organs, rendered in vivid detail in the game display. Before her screens went dark, she saw Touji's Eva slice her killer into sushi. "Thanks, Touji, but I'm afraid you lost the bet with that last comment."

For the rest of the game, Hikari and the others had to mute Touji's comm system to avoid hearing expletives that no human being should ever hear.

I've been there, Toji.

-E- -V- -A-

The gang stood waiting for Shinji to get off the phone. "I'm sorry, Mom. A friend needed my help last night and I forgot to call," Shinji said, and listened some more. "Yes." Another pause. "Yes." He glanced at his friends, then whispered into the phone. "I love you too, Mom."

"Awww, Shinji loves his mommy!" Touji chided him.

Shinji blushed and Rei trembled.

"And what is wrong with that, Suzuhara?" Hikari said, pulling on Touji's ear.

Touji gasped. "Owwwww... nothing. I'm sorry, Pumpkin." Hikari released his ear, which Touji promptly rubbed.

"At least Shinji has a mother that didn't lie to him all his life," Rei softly commented.

Just wait until Rei finds out that the penguin is her father.

Everyone frowned. Before Shinji could comfort Rei, Asuka slid next to the trembling girl and put an arm around her.

Shinji was a bit shocked at how nice Asuka was being to Rei, considering the way she normally acted towards people and Rei in particular. It was a side of her that he had never seen before and he kind of liked it.

That's just so that the inevitable betrayal will be all the more painful.

"Err... sorry, Rei. I didn't mean to bring up a painful subject," Touji said, still under Hikari's glare.

Rei smiled slightly. "That's okay. I'm glad to have you all as my friends." She wiped a tear off her eyelid.

"Group hug!" Hikari called out.

Hikari, Asuka, and Shinji got into the hug right away. Kensuke and Touji glanced at each other and then joined the hug.

As the hug continued, Asuka tensed when she felt a hand on her buttocks. At first she thought it was Rei's hand, but then noticed that she could see both of Rei's hands. <Shinji, you naughty boy.> She tried to decide if she should pound him or flirt with him. Deciding on the later, she winked and smiled at Shinji, who looked confused.

HOW FUNNY AND UNPREDICTABLE.

Hikari hugged Rei, feeling sorry for her situation. She frowned when she felt a hand on her buttocks, under her skirt no less. <I wonder if Touji will ever grow up.> She flinched when she felt him tug on the panties a bit. She shifted her position a bit to separate her from the hand.

Kensuke tried not to let the enjoyment he was getting from feeling up Asuka and Hikari show on his face. <Damn, this is much more fun than fooling around with fake guns.> His glasses had fogged up by the time the hug broke up, much to his chagrin.

So far, Kensuke has been the manliest character in this whole fic. I just want you to reflect on that for a bit.

The gang walked down the street, slowly breaking up. Hikari and Touji were first to depart, either to their homes or to find someplace where Hikari could ream Touji a new one for losing the bet. Probably the later.

Shinji and Kensuke walked behind the two girls, who were busy making girl talk. Shinji glanced over at Kensuke and was amazed to see that he was checking out the girl's butts. Of course, Shinji liked the view as well, but for Kensuke to do such a thing seemed very out of character for him. "Kensuke, did something happen to you?"

Kensuke pushed his glasses back up his nose and looked at Shinji, trying to look casual. "Nope, not really. Why?"

"Well, you've seemed so different over the past few days," Shinji remarked.

Kensuke shrugged and turned his head away from Shinji. "Well, nothing you won't go through someday."

Ahahahahaha.

Shinji stopped briefly, then caught up to Kensuke again. <Is Kensuke in love with Asuka or Rei? That's the only thing I can think of that would explain his sudden change of attitude.> Shinji decided he had to do something, unconsciously making a choice between the two girls. "Um, I'd steer clear of Rei if I was you. I don't think she's in any shape to start a relationship."

What? Was he even listening when Rei explained her past? She gets more cock than a poultry processing plant.

Kensuke let out a loud guffaw. "Don't worry, Shinji, it's not that. Just enjoying the view like any other man."

Shinji took a step back, noticed that Asuka and Rei had stopped and were looking back at them. "Oh, of course. I guess I can't blame you, it is a nice view."

Kensuke smiled and nodded. <But nothing compared to a woman's ass. These little girls are nice, but a woman in her prime is best.>

Kensuke separated from the group and headed home shortly after. The rest of the gang continued walking, each girl wishing the other would leave her alone with Shinji. Asuka was about to suggest Rei go home and talk things over with her mother, when a voice called out.

Not anyone in particular. Just, you know, a voice.

"Shinji!"

Shinji looked towards the source of the voice. "Oh, shit." He looked awkwardly at his friends as his father waved at him next to a row of vending machines. His boss, Professor Fuyutsuki, was with him. Although Shinji was never sure why he was called 'Professor'. "Um... hi, Dad."

It's Gendo!

"Your mother just called me, Shinji. I understand you wanting to help a friend, but please call next time," Gendou said, placing a fatherly hand on his son's shoulder.

"Err... yeah. Sorry about that," Shinji said, glancing nervously at his friends. "You know Asuka, right?"

Gendou nodded. "Of course I know little Asuka! My, you've grown into quite a young woman." Asuka blushed. "I can remember when you and Shinji used to play and take baths together. You were such close friends."

This is Gendo?

Asuka blushed deeper and looked awkwardly at Rei. She didn't dare look at Shinji, for fear of losing control completely.

"Cut it out, Dad! You're embarrassing her" Shinji insisted. <Not to mention me.>

Gendou laughed and messed up Shinji's hair, in the way that every boy hates to have his father do. "So who is your other little friend?"

"And why does she look exactly like your mother but with blue hair?"

Shinji glanced at Rei. "Um... this is Rei. She came to town a couple months ago."

"Nice to meet you, Rei," Gendou said. He bowed slightly, which Rei returned.

But Jim, you have to tell us which angel he bowed at, or we won't know the degree of respect and politeness being expressed! I am beginning to doubt the Japaneseness of this fanfic.

"Yeah, she's the reason we made it into the Eva championships!" Asuka said, patting Rei on the back. Rei looked embarrassed by the praise.

"Ah! I knew Shinji couldn't get into the championship without some help." Gendou started to laugh.

"Dad!" Shinji shouted. Then he tried to usher his friends away. "Let's go guys."

All this out-of-character dialogue is creeping me out.

"See you at home, Shinji," Gendou said, then started to work on the chicken soup dispenser machine with Fuyutsuki again.

"Pass me a fourteen-B nozzle flange," Fuyutsuki instructed.

"Yes, Professor," Gendou said. He pulled out a small tube from his toolkit and handed it to Fuyutsuki.

Fuyutsuki stuck the tube in the dispenser, causing a stream of chicken soup to spurt out of the machine and cover his face with chicken bits. He scowled and looked closely at the tube. "Idiot! That was fourteen-F! Are you blind?!" He wiped his face off and then picked a beak out of his hair.

Gendou started bowing profusely. "I'm sorry, Professor." He started rummaging through his toolkit again, pulled out another tube, and handed it to Fuyutsuki. The new tube looked identical to the previous one.

Qomedy!

Shinji had been trying to get Asuka and Rei to leave the area, but Asuka resisted. "Shinji?" Asuka asked, staring back at the two men.

"Yes, Asuka?"

"I thought your dad was a high-powered executive in a global recycling company," Asuka said.

"Err... he is," Shinji insisted.

Asuka raised her eyebrow. "Looks like he's a vending machine repairman to me."

"Umm... well... he's just helping out today. Yeah, that's the ticket!" Shinji said, perking up at the end.

Asuka smirked. "Yeah, right." She finally let Shinji pull her away from the vending machines, but not in time to miss hearing what his father said next.

Whatever it is, I'm sure it was wacky. In a totally boring, going-through-the-motions sort of way.

"Hey, Professor? Did I ever tell you about the time that Shinji wet the bed when Asuka came over for a sleepover?" he said, before the teenagers got out of earshot.

Shinji blushed deeply and looked at the ground.

"Shinji! You always claimed that *I* wet the bed that night!" Asuka glared at Shinji.

"Err... well..." Shinji stammered.

"Pisse-kopf! How dare you pass your piss off as mine!" Asuka snapped, and stomped off down the street. She was so angry that she forgot that she had wanted to get together alone with Shinji to discuss their missed date.

Shinji watched her stomp away and sighed heavily.

"I didn't know you had known Asuka for that long," Rei said, a touch of jealously in her voice.

Aren't people hardwired to not be attracted to people they spent a lot of time around as children? Seems like Shinji's fighting biology here, and losing pretty badly.

Shinji looked around awkwardly. "Um, yeah. We grew up together."

"Oh. Do you love her or me more?" Rei asked.

Shinji wasn't sure if Rei was being serious or not. "Um, well... until recently she never showed any sign of liking me like that. Um... I feel closer to you. I mean..." Shinji started to stammer, as he couldn't seem to force the words out.

Rei placed a finger on his lips to silence him. "That's enough for now. Let's go." She pulled Shinji down the street.

"Ummm, to where?" Shinji asked, nervously.

Real smooth, Casanova.

"Where we were headed before Asuka found us earlier," Rei said, winking.

Shinji gulped loudly, startling some passing nuns. Actually, they were probably startled more by the sight of the erection that was growing in his pants rather than his gulp.

TOOTHPICKS.

-E- -V- -A-

Hikari glared at Touji. "Dummy! You were doing so good!"

"I'm sorry... but you make me so horny! Especially the way you handle the joystick in the Eva entry plug!" Touji pleaded from his knees and apparently was making up for all the vile comments he hadn't been able to say in the past few days.

Hikari shook her head sadly. "I guess you'll never change."

And this bird you cannot change
Lord knows I can't change
Lord help me, I can't change!
Lord, I can't change
Won't you fly high free bird?

...

Man, Free Bird is an amazing song. What was I doing again?

"I can! I'm really a sweet guy at heart!"

Hikari sighed. <I know you are, you dummy. Why do you think I put up with your perverted ways?> After several more minutes of groveling, Hikari knelt down in front of Touji, her buttocks resting on her heels. "You're forgiven, but it's going to be awhile now before you get to see those lips now."

Fucking fuck.

"Actually, I can see them right now... your panties have slipped," Touji commented without thinking. He did remember to drool, at least.

Hikari snapped her legs shut and stood up from her squatted position. "Pervert! Who do you think pulled on them before anyway?!" She swatted him on the head then stormed off towards her home.

A confused Touji starred at her retreating back. "What did I say now?" For once, he was innocent.

I made the comment / But I did not pull her panties

-E- -V- -A-

I'm cutting it off here. See you in part 2.


--------------------
Index of horrible mocks

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However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

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Post #14
Dr. O


witch doctor
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From: Dawg City
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post Feb 27 2011, 05:03 PM
This is the end. Almost. Finally.

The bed was filled with naked flesh. Kaji rolled over on top of Misato and kissed her deeply. "I'm glad you suggested getting together again here after work. You are so much better in bed than Maya."

You might say we're starting off with a bang.

"Oh, so you've had sex with her?" Misato said, then crossed her arms over her naked bosom and huffed.

For someone who's fucked a kid, Misato sure is indignant.

"Yes, but it's nothing like the love that we have, my sweet dumpling," Kaji said, giving her one of his most charming smiles.

"Oh god, Kaji. Do me now... and always," Misato said, then started to nibble on his ear. She shuddered as she felt his body press closer against hers.

A loud bang was heard as the hotel room door was kicked open and a short woman with short brown hair stormed in. "Kaji, you god-dammed mother-fucker!"

I would just like to remind everyone that this is a character who froze up at the thought of harming another person in self-defense.

Kaji looked back and gasped. "Maya! It's not what you think!!"

"Oh, I supposed you just tripped and accidentally inserted your penis into that woman? The woman you said meant nothing to you? Who you said was stalking you?"

Kaji put on his most charming smile. "Of course, she means nothing to me."

For a womanizer, Kaji sure is terrible at actually speaking to women.

"I might believe that if your dick wasn't still inside her!" Maya screamed.

Kaji lost some of his usually charming demeanor and slid off, and out of, Misato. "But Maya!" He held out a hand for her. Of course, something else was reaching out to Maya as well.

It's funny because it is a dick joke.

"Jackass! I wouldn't have cared if you wanted to have a hundred sluts on the side-" Maya said, causing Misato to scowl. "-but to do this so close to the election is just plain dangerous. If the press found out, you'd be finished! And I can guarantee you that my father won't be making any more speeches on your behalf. You'll be lucky if he doesn't publicly revoke his support after this."

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I was under the impression that Japanese have pretty liberal views on sex. I don't think an affair between consenting adults is going to torpedo a mayoral campaign.

"Maya... Honey... can we talk about this? This marriage means so much to me!" Kaji exclaimed, causing Misato to scowl more.

"Oh, I'll still marry you, you bastard! I want... no NEED the prestige of being the wife of Tokyo-3's mayor. Other than that, you are worthless to me with that little dick of yours!" Maya said.

She needs political prestige and has a rich father who can apparently finance a campaign all on his own, and has the connections to make an idiot womanizer with no political experience into a viable candidate.
Hey, Maya, here's an idea: RUN FOR THE OFFICE YOURSELF.

With an imagined cry of 'timber', Maya's words chopped Kaji's mighty pine down.

You chode-sucking assblot! I hate you!

Maya smiled at the sight of Kaji's penis going limp. "What? You thought I actually liked having sex with that little twig of yours? Get real."

Look, Jim... I know that some people call it "wood," but they don't mean it literally. You need help, man.

"Maya..."

"Shut up. Give her a goodbye fuck now if you want to, but don't leave the hotel together. There are reporters who spend their days and nights looking for sleazy little trysts like these you know. You two can have your fun AFTER the election and our marriage, but until then, if I see that slut within sight of you again, I'll arrange an accident for her." She turned and stormed out of the room, leaving a bewildered Misato and a Kaji, who wasn't half the man he used to pretend he was.

I guess the next book will have Maya placing a horse's head in Misato's bed.

-E- -V- -A-

In the theater, Misato was swearing and stomping around the theater.

Asuka smirked. "Well, who would know that Shinji's version of Maya would be such a scheming and conniving bitch?"

Why is Maya even in this? Did Shinji ever interact with her at all?

Misato paused in her rampage upon hearing this. "Oh, I never trusted Maya in our old world either... it's always the shy quiet types that steal your boyfriends."

Asuka smiled and then quoted a statement made awhile ago by Misato. "It's not real, you know."

"Shut up!" Misato snapped, then grabbed a handful of Maya pictures from the Xerox machine and began tearing them up.

Post-apocalyptic copiers and TVs. In a theater. I know I've called attention to this before, but this is just so stupid.

Asuka ignored Misato's latest rants and looked back at the viewpoint. "On top of that, she stole MY line about the twig! The little thief."

"I believe you'd need a copyright lawyer to make your case," Rei informed Asuka.

Asuka chuckled. "Well... that's about the only good thing about Third Impact: It killed all the lawyers."

It's funny because it is a lawyer joke. Nobody has ever done one of those before.

"Shakespeare would have appreciated that," Rei commented softly.

"Why?" Asuka asked.

"The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers," Rei quoted.

"Why? They're already dead," Asuka replied, confused.

"No, that was a famous quote by William Shakespeare."

Why does Rei know Shakespeare? Are Elizabethan English playwrights now part of the Japanese middle school curriculum?

"Geeze, that's ancient history!" Asuka said, brushing off her blunder. <Knew I shouldn't have skipped that Shakespeare course in college to follow Kaji around.>

Misato stopped her cursing long enough to mutter a rhetorical question. "Damn that Kaji. Why can't he just be a simple repairman like Shinji's father?"

Asuka giggled. "Kaji a repairman? Oh please, he's not suited for such a common job."

Yeah. I always thought Kaji would be better at pizza delivery or pool cleaning.

"Maybe, but at least then my other self could be happy," Misato said, wistfully.

Asuka looked at the viewpoint in front of her. "She looks happy. They are screwing their brains out."

Misato laughed out loud. "Ha! Won't fool me again."

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me eighty-seven times, shame on me.

Asuka smirked as she looked at the viewpoint again, which was showing that Misato and Kaji were engaged in a sex scene that would be banned in most countries. Then a thought struck her and she tapped Shinji on his shoulder.

Shinji looked around and was startled to see it was Asuka. "Asuka? Why didn't you pull my penis like you normally do to get my attention?"

"Ha! I knew you liked it!" Asuka gloated.

Or he's just shocked that Asuka wasn't being quite as much of a bitch as usual.

Shinji blushed. "No... err... I was just surprised.... I mean... erk!!" His ramblings were interrupted when Asuka grabbed his penis.

"Yeah, right. Anyway, did you give your father a demeaning job on purpose?" Asuka asked, then let go of the penis.

As far as interrogation techniques go, grabbing someone's dick seems like it could either be surprisingly effective or a total disaster.

"No, of course not," Shinji said, succinctly. He turned away, but smiled broadly as he returned to his trance.

Asuka noticed his smile. "I knew it! Little Shinji wanted to get back at his father for all the crap he did."

So this entire story is his revenge fantasy against everything. That... explains a lot, actually.

"That may be why his perfect world is starting to deteriorate," Rei mentioned.

"Gee, you think so?" Asuka remarked, sarcastically.

Asuka's tone of voice was lost on Rei. "Yes. If he was harboring any ill will when he first envisioned the..."

Realizing Rei was going into one her long boring lectures, Asuka tuned her out and looked back at the viewpoint showing Misato and Kaji in the hotel room. She gasped at what it was currently showing. She picked a small notepad off the floor and began furiously taking notes.

First of all: Rei launching into a long, boring lecture? Rei, whose defining character trait (har har) was that she barely ever said anything? What, was the author too busy jerking off whenever she was on screen to pay any attention to the show?
And second: a notebook what the fuck. Is this version of Instrumentality just a giant Wal-Mart or something?

-E- -V- -A-

Misato screamed in pleasure as beads of sweat dripped off Kaji's body onto hers. "Did you mean it, Kaji?" Misato asked, staring at the ceiling while Kaji did his magic.

"Yes. I'm not going to marry her after hearing all that. The wedding is supposed to be after the election, so I'll just dump her after I get elected," Kaji insisted, brushing the hair out of Misato's eyes. "It'll be a bit of a scandal, but the voters won't remember it by the time for re-election comes."

"I love you, Kaji."

"I love you, Maya," Kaji said, while rocking back and fourth. As he realized what he had said, his eyes went wide. "Err... Misato."



In the theater, Asuka smiled. "Damn, that other Misato is so gullible. Or maybe not... ouch!" She cringed at what the viewpoint was showing. "Hey, Misato! You might want to look at this!"

"Yeah, right. I'm not falling for that again," Misato said, from a new pile of ripped up Kaji pictures.

Asuka smirked and returned to look at the other Misato chasing Kaji around the hotel room with a mallet. "Serves Kaji right for selecting the Shin Seiki Ranma fantasy suite."

I... I can't even... Is this how Schmeckie feels all the time?

-E- -V- -A-

Maya was walking down the hall towards the hotel exit when she spotted someone kneeling in one of the doorways. She stopped and gasped in surprise. "Ritsuko? What are you doing here?"

They know each other? This should be good.

Ritsuko looked up from the door she had her ear pressed against in an attempt to hear who was inside. So far, she had not been able to identify Rei's voice in any of the panting or groaning she had heard. "Maya? Um... I'm trying to find my sister... err... I guess I might as well start calling her my daughter now."

This is so screwed up I don't even know where to begin.

Maya gasped. "Oh my. She found out?" She strolled over and put a comforting hand on the blond woman's shoulder.

Ritsuko grasped the hand, desperately needing to latch onto anything for support. "She found out last night and now I can't find her anywhere. I thought maybe she might come to one of these sleazy hotels with that walking cock she calls her boyfriend."

So if Shinji is a walking cock, and he whines about everything all the time, would that make him a weeping cock?

Maya giggled suddenly. "Yeah, I know that feeling. I just had to chew out my fiance for seeing his mistress so close to the election."

Wait, just one mistress? Kaji, you have failed as a man and as a politician.

Ritsuko couldn't help smiling. "You still stringing that fool along so you can get into the mayor's mansion?"

AKA "the Hillary Clinton strategy."

Maya nodded. "Do you need help looking for your daughter?"

Ritsuko smiled and placed a hand on Maya's shoulder. "Thanks, Maya. You're always there when I need you."

Given her rabid hatred for men and sudden admiration for Maya, you'd almost think- Oh.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji nervously handed over some cash through the little window that the hotel clerk peered out of. The clerk handed a key and two towels to Shinji, then shut the window.

Shinji relaxed a bit and walked into the entrance with Rei. "That was close. I was afraid he was going to ask for some I.D."

It's a sex hotel. I don't think they have real stringent entry requirements.

Rei smiled. "Nawww... they don't care how old you are at places like this. Anything for a few hundred yen."

Shinji gulped as he recalled some of Rei's past. <She must have come to places like this with other men... and women.>

He's just now realizing this?

Rei noticed his nervousness. "Come on, Shinji. Don't be nervous. This will be the first time I've ever done it with a boy I really loved."

"What about your old boyfriend?"

This is a lot more fitting if you reverse their genders.

Rei stopped in front of their room and shook her head. "That wasn't love... I may have thought so at the time, but he was just using me to gloat to his friends."

"Of course I had no feelings for him. I just carried his child to term."

"I'm sorry. You deserve better," Shinji said.

Rei smiled and stepped on her tip-toes to kiss Shinji. "I love you, Shinji. Everyone else was just for the sex... to try and fill the void left in me by that fuc..." Rei took a deep breath to calm herself. "You're so much more important than any of them."

"I've fucked a couple hundred people, but you're the one." Shinji must feel so special right now.

Shinji blushed then opened the door and they stepped inside together.

"Shit!" Shinji gasped when he saw that there was already someone in the room and very clearly in the throws of passion.

Gee, I wonder what the odds are of Ritsuko being in there.

Rei was even more shocked than Shinji because she recognized one of the naked people immediately. "Mother?"

Tell your children not to walk my way
Tell your children not to hear my words
What they mean
What they say
Mother

Ritsuko looked over at the door. "Rei? What the fuck are you doing here?" she asked, although she knew very well why her daughter would have come to a place like this.

"I could ask you the same thing! Why are you fucking another woman?!" Rei screamed, pointing at the woman in bed with her mother.

You'd think Rei would be pretty thoroughly desensitized to this sort of thing by now.

"Well, Maya and I go way back. We ran into each other and..." Ritsuko explained calmly.

"So you're... a lesbian?" Rei asked, astonished.

She had a kid, so I'm assuming no.

"What use could I have for a man?" Ritsuko said, slipping to the edge of the bed and wrapping a sheet around herself. Maya had awkwardly slipped to the other side and was silently getting dressed. "I mean, I've dated some guys, but men are really only good for their dicks."

"I'm a lesbian but I love cock." Fucking sexuality, how does it work.

Rei fumed. "I can't believe this! You said you loved me, but instead of being worried about me, you're here satisfying your lust with some dirty lesbian?"

I mean, not being a lesbian myself I'm not all that knowledgeable, but I thought that lesbians generally don't have sex with men.

"Don't talk about Maya that way! She's been my lover for years. She's better than any man could ever be!" Ritsuko bellowed, then felt a tap on her shoulder. She looked around to see Maya had redressed.

Maya looked awkwardly. "Um... I really can't stay. If the press ever found out about us..."

So let's step back and take a look at this.
Maya, who has a father with extensive connections, wants a political career, for which she needs a sham marriage with Kaji, a womanizer who she has to watch like a hawk to prevent a scandal. Meanwhile, she's off banging a woman who's in denial about her sexuality and was also a teen mother who palmed her kid off on her mother. Said child is a prostitute who desperately wants to have sex with a whiny shemale who is inexplicably a chick magnet. Oh, and Kaji's mistress is a teacher who hase sex in public, strips in front of her class, and has slept with at least one of her students. And all of the men involved have trees for cocks. Oh, and also nearly every woman is bisexual but bisexuality doesn't exist, because somehow child prostitution is A-OK but liking both men and women is too terrible to comprehend.

What kind of thought process would you have to have in order to write this? Oh, right... This is a lemon, after all, so...



Ritsuko nodded. "Sure. I understand." She leaned over and kissed the woman deeply.

Maya took a couple of awkward steps towards the door, the turned around and whispered to Ritsuko.

Ritsuko blushed, turned around and pulled something out of her. Trying to hide it from Rei and Shinji she handed a long slender object to Maya, who quickly put it into her purse and departed.

"No wonder you think all men are scum. You can't pass judgement on every man just because you're gay!" Rei snapped.

So, is Ritsuko being some kind of crazed feminazi also part of Shinji's idea of a perfect world?

"That's a laugh. Who was the one the cops busted for prostitution after she solicited an undercover policewoman?!"

"That was just for the money!" Rei insisted.

How was she allowed to stay with her family? This is just...

"Oh, that's so much better than doing it for love!"

"Well, I love Shinji!" Rei said. To prove it she kissed Shinji, who had just been staring in shock at the nearly naked woman in front of him.

"You little fool, that's what you said about Hasamoto! Is this one going to get you pregnant and then almost beat you to death as well?"

The fuck?

"No, I won't! I'd never hurt her!" Shinji blurted.

"You stay out of this, you little asshole!" Ritsuko snapped at Shinji.

Shinji straightened up and looked Ritsuko straight in the eye, instead of her breasts which was where he had been looking. "Shut the fuck up! Just because your life sucks, don't think that you can ruin Rei's life too! She deserves better!"

Shinji chewing someone out for being upset with their life. lol.

"Who the hell are you to lecture me?" Ritsuko snapped.

"I'm the one who loves your daughter! You should try it sometime!" Shinji yelled, then grabbed Rei's wrist. "Come on, Rei, she's never going to change her tune."

Rei allowed Shinji to pull her out with him, briefly glancing back at her mother with a mixture of sadness and hatred in her eyes.

Sort of like my feelings whenever I read this.

Ritsuko ran out into the hallway to stop them. In the process, the sheet she had been covering herself with caught the edge of the bed and was left behind. Before she realized the sheet was gone, the door slammed shut behind her. "Oh shit." She tried to open the door again, to no avail. She pressed her breasts against the door and tried to hide herself in the doorframe as a couple walked by. She smiled nonchalantly as the couple looked strangely at her. "What the hell are you looking at? Never seen a naked woman before?"

Awkwardly, the man answered. "Yes, but not with a vibrator stuck in her ass."

Does the author just not know how to hold a mood? Just look at this scene:
"Waah my life sucks so I fuck women and also my teenage kid had a miscarriage because her boyfriend beat the shit out of her. LOL VIBRATORS IN THE ASS."
Have some fucking decorum, man.

Ritsuko swore and pulled out the second vibrator that she had forgotten about in her shock and anger at seeing Rei and Shinji. Then she tried to jimmy the door lock. "Damn, how did Maya do this before?"

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka was laughing her head off in the theater. "This is so messed up. I never knew Shinji's mind was so twisted!"

Rei looked at the viewpoint sadly. "Well, that does explain why she hates men so much."

On the other hand, this is probably how a world created by Shinji would turn out.

"I wonder if Ritsuko and Maya were really lovers in our old world?" Asuka asked, not expecting a reply.

"I doubt it. Ritsuko was sleeping with Mr. Ikari," Rei said.

Asuka smirked. "Really? The way he coddled you, I'd have guessed he was doing you." She had hoped to get a rise out of Rei, but she didn't.

Rei shook her head slowly and answered softly. "No. I had to remain a virgin."

Why? Where in the show was there ever the slightest shadow of a hint of a possibility of an implication that Rei had to be a virgin for Third Impact to happen? Or is it just that the author's head is shoved so far up his ass, that's where he looks for plot points?

Asuka couldn't tell if Rei was sorry she couldn't do it with Gendou or was glad. "So why did you accept our bet so you can have sex with Shinji now?"

"I am no longer a virgin," Rei declared.

What.

Asuka's jaw dropped. She grabbed some popcorn from Shinji's stash and pulled Rei down to the floor. "Come on, girl, spill it. I want details."

"It's not what you think."

"What is?"

"I did not have sexual intercourse to lose my virginity. I lost it when Third Impact was triggered."

WHAT.

"So I'm not a virgin anymore either? Damn, I didn't even feel a thing." Asuka pouted.

WHAT.

Rei shook her head slowly. "I have no information on your status as a virgin, but if you haven't had a penis in your vagina, you are still a virgin."

I... The... It... Buh... What the fucking fuck?

Asuka smirked. "What textbook did you read that out of?"

Rei looked confused and then realized that Asuka must not have understood what she meant, so she tried to say it in a way that she believed Asuka could understand. "Um, I mean if your honey pot hasn't been bopped by a rock hard cock then you are still a virgin."



Asuka just stared dumbfounded at the graphic description from Rei. Suddenly, she wasn't that interested in finding out why Rei wasn't a virgin anymore.

Rei apparently took Asuka's dumbfounded look as still being confused, so she continued with her explanation. "Let me put it this way... If that-" She pointed at Asuka's folds. "-hasn't had one of those-" She pointed at Shinji's penis. "-in it, then you are still a virgin."



"Okay... okay! I understand already," Asuka snapped. She really should have learned not to talk to Rei anymore by now, but it's not like she had many choices to choose from since Third Impact. <Well, I guess Rei's better than the little dickhead and the blubbering fool in her nest.> She glanced at Misato, who was still sulking on her nest of torn-up Kaji and Maya pictures.

-E- -V- -A-

"Mom? Dad?" Shinji called out as he and Rei stepped into his apartment. He didn't hear a response, so he led Rei in. He checked the message board near the phone. "Hmmm, my mom is going to be late tonight."

"Are you sure this is okay? I mean, will your parents really let me stay for a few days?" Rei asked nervously.

"I hope so... but if I can convince my mom, my father will fall right into line," Shinji said, smirking at the end.

Rei giggled, then blushed when her stomach growled.

Shinji smiled and looked through the refrigerator. "Let's see what we have to eat." He tensed as he felt Rei press her body against his back.

"Make it something fast," Rei whispered into his ear, letting her hot breath blow across his earlobe.

Shinji's voice went high. "O... kay."

To anyone who is still reading by this point: I'm sorry. Truly, sincerely sorry. I've read Shinji's Nightmare Cataclysm. I've read Diamond Pokemon. I've read The Adventures of Dark Yagami. But this is so much worse. I don't even know why, but I can feel it deep in my bones. This is... It just is.

-E- -V- -A-

Yui pushed the door open with her butt and walked into the apartment with her arms full of bags. "Shinji, are you home?" she called out, but received no response.

If this is leading up to a Yui/Shinji/Rei threesome, then I am going to kill something.

She made her way into the apartment and into the kitchen. After she put the groceries away, she started to walk down the hall to see if Shinji was in his room. She stopped when she heard a knock on the front door. "Yes?" she asked as she opened the door, revealing a young woman.

"Excuse me. I'm looking for my daughter and believe that she might be with your son," Ritsuko said, looking into the apartment. She was wearing an odd collection of clothes that were stolen from various hotel guests while they were 'distracted'.

"Well, I just got home, but let me see if he's in his room," Yui said, then walked down the hall to check.

Because if you think Yui isn't going to walk in on Shinji and Rei, you're some kind of delusional. But past experience indicates that no matter what you expect, it's going to get worse.

Ritsuko paused briefly, but then decided she had to follow and see for herself. <Maybe that little prick's mom will hide Rei from me.>

Yui opened the door to Shinji's room, not noticing Ritsuko sliding in behind her. "Shinji are you..." She trailed off and gasped as she saw Shinji and Rei curled up in bed together. They were both asleep in the bed without any sheets covering their naked bodies. Both women gasped. Yui turned around to see Ritsuko behind her. "Your daughter, I presume?" she asked, calmly.

Ritsuko nodded and looked ready to kill. Or at the very least, make Shinji a eunuch.

If she really wants a final solution, I think going after Rei would be the better choice. Or just killing everybody. Preferably with fire. Everyone loves fire.

-E- -V- -A-

In the theater, Rei smiled slightly and looked over to Asuka. "Looks like I won the bet."

Asuka looked away from the smiling girl, not wanting to meet her gaze. Seeing Rei smile like that was disturbing enough, but knowing that it meant that she had lost the bet about which of their alter egos would be the first to make Shinji lose his virginity was the worst part. Not that she would admit that. "So what! Who'd want to fuck Shinji anyway!" she insisted, not convincing either of them.

Why does Shinji have to retreat into a "perfect world?" He has two pieces of jailbait practically kicking each other's teeth in for his affections.

Rei continued smiling at the viewpoint.

"Fine, then fuck him already!" Asuka yelled, pointing at Shinji.

"When the time is right," Rei said gently.

Asuka frowned at the unexpected response.

-E- -V- -A-

"Rei, get up!!" Ritsuko bellowed.

Shinji started at the loud voice and fell to the floor, waking up Rei in the process.

Rei rubbed her eyes and then saw Ritsuko. "Shit. What are you doing here, old-woman?"

Ritsuko flinched. "I was trying to find my precious daughter before she did something stupid! But I can see that I'm too late."

"I love Shinji, dammit! It's not wrong!" Rei yelled.

Whilst carving her thousandth notch in the bedpost.

A calm voice stopped the argument. "Shinji. Will you and your... friend... please get dressed and join us in the living room? We need to talk," Yui said, then pulled Ritsuko out of the doorway.

"Uhhh, sure." Shinji started looking for his clothes, looking nervously at Rei.

Rei slipped her panties on. "Sorry, I shouldn't have suggested this."

No kidding.

Shinji shook his head. "No, it's my fault for falling asleep."

Rei smiled briefly. "Well, you exerted yourself so much that you wore both of us out."

Your parents find you in bed? No problem! Time for pillow talk!

Shinji blushed. "I think it was the lack of sleep from last night in the park."

Rei finished putting her bra on and reached for her skirt. "No... it wasn't, my stallion," she said, winking at Shinji. She leaned over and gave Shinji a peck on his lips.

Toothpicks.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei were sitting awkwardly across from their respective mothers. Both were looking down at the floor, afraid to look their mothers in the eyes.

"Now then, is this your friend that you spent the night with last night?" Yui asked calmly.

Shinji fidgeted. "Err... yeah. But we didn't do anything last night... she really did have some problems with her... mother." He glanced at Ritsuko, a touch of hatred in his gaze.

"You shut up, little boy!" Ritsuko shouted.

Finally, a character who says what I'm thinking.

Yui looked at Ritsuko. "Miss, please do not yell. This is my house and we'll discuss this matter calmly."

"Fine, then I'll take MY daughter and leave!"

Rei cringed and held on tightly to Shinji's arm. "No! I'm never going home with you!"

"Rei..." Ritsuko started, then went silent as Yui put a calming hand on her arm.

Aww... I was hoping it would turn into a Springer-style brawl.

"If you care about your daughter, let's talk to them and find out what's going on."

Ritsuko looked ready to argue again, but slowly nodded.

Yui smiled slightly. "Now first, I need a little information."

"For starters, how much did Shinji have to pay her?"

-E- -V- -A-

A while later, Yui was brought up to speed on how Rei was adopted by Ritsuko's mother and a bit of her past, but no one bothered to talk about her miscarriage or sordid past with boys. And girls, for that matter.

Yui nodded. "I see. Well, Rei I can understand why you are so troubled. Finding out all that must have made you latch onto my son for support."

"No! It's not just that! I love him!" Rei insisted and gripped Shinji's arm tighter.

"I see. Shinji, how do you feel?"

"What does this ink blot look like to you?"
"Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its-"
"OK Shinji, that's enough."

Shinji wouldn't meet his mother's gaze. "I really wish you wouldn't treat me like one of your patients, Mom!"

"Just tell me, Shinji."

"I... I love her. I know it's silly, but I can't stand to see her hurt..." Shinji trailed off, unsure what else to say. Rei had smiled at his admission.

"I can see that both of your feelings are very strong. What about Asuka?"

Shinji started at the unexpected question. "Asuka? Um... why do you ask?"

"I thought she was your girlfriend," Yui calmly stated.

All aboard the bigamy express!

Shinji gasped. "Well, no... not really. She's a friend, but we aren't like that." He neglected to mention that he had almost started dating her recently.

"Oh." Yui frowned slightly. "So, how often have you been having intercourse with Rei?"

"Mom!" Shinji shouted, then blushed. "Never... err... well. That was our first time."

"Ha! That's a laugh after how I found you last night!" Ritsuko snapped.

Sorry, Ritsuko, but I don't think this "good therapist, bad therapist" routine is going to work.

"Our first uninterrupted time!" Shinji clarified.

"Are you using protection?" Yui asked.

Shinji blushed. "Err... yes."

"Good. Now then... Shinji, you're too young to be doing that. I understand your feelings, but I can't remain silent on it."

Ritsuko was getting very agitated and suddenly spoke out. "Can we stop all this bullshit and get to the part where I get to take my daughter home and away from this little asshole?"

Yeah, I can see how Ritsuko would be agitated that Rei's wasting time that could be spent on the streets, bringing in more cash.

Yui shot Ritsuko a stern glare. "Miss! I've asked you nicely to watch your language in my home. If you can't do that, you can leave now! So far, I'm inclined to let Rei stay with us -- separately from Shinji, of course -- until you can calm down. Anger doesn't solve anything."

I don't know. I've gotten some pretty good results with it.

"Who are you to tell me what to do with my own daughter?!" Ritsuko asked.

Yui looked Ritsuko straight in the eyes. "It's my understanding that you are legally just her sister, correct?" Ritsuko gulped and nodded. "So until her legal guardian comes, I can't in good conscience let her go with you. I'm sure the police would feel the same way."

Ritsuko glared at Yui. "Well, my mom is out of town on business."

"I'm not moving out of Tokyo-3!" Rei insisted, knowing that her grandmother was really looking for a new job to avoid confronting Rei's problems directly.

She probably just knows an unwinnable battle when she sees one.

"You'll go where we say."

"No! She'll stay here with me... as my wife!" Shinji blurted.

Mai waifu.

Rei smiled and gazed into Shinji's eyes. Yui smiled with pride at her son's mature reaction to his girlfriend's plight. Ritsuko exploded.

Yes. Latching on to the first girl to give you the time of day is so mature.

"Like hell she will!" Ritsuko yelled, grabbing Rei's wrist. She pulled hard, causing Rei to wince in pain.

Before Shinji could do anything, Yui grabbed Ritsuko's free wrist and twisted. In a flash, Ritsuko was sent flying over Yui's shoulder and crashed into an end table, flattening it.

Whoa.

Yui looked down at the prone woman. "First, they aren't even legal age, and second, I think you'd better stop trying to bully her into doing what you want. Violence isn't the answer."

Apparently it is, seeing as you just threw someone through a table.

Ritsuko staggered to her feet and wiped some blood off her lip. "You're one to talk."

Yui then kicked Ritsuko out a window. In a very non-violent way, of course.

"Say what you like, but I won't let you hurt either of them."

The awkward standoff was interrupted by the front door opening. "I'm home!" Gendo's voice called out. He walked into the living room and looked confused at the scene that befell his eyes. "Oh, we have guests," he said, wondering why one of the guests was lying on the remains of an end table and bleeding.

Ooh, maybe they'll get a tag-team match going.

"Yes, this is Shinji's FRIEND, Rei, and her mother. I'm afraid our son has just proposed to Rei here," Yui explained quickly.

Gendou started at the news, but then took on his best fatherly stature and voice. "Now, Son, you're much too young to get married, especially when you have that nice Asuka."

Shinji fumed. "Oh, who the hell cares about Asuka! I love Rei!"

Wow. Looks like Shinji's finally growing some balls.

In the theater, Asuka flinched at the comment. Rei glanced briefly at the redhead, still wearing the same smile as before. Asuka ignored the smile.

"Now, Son..." Gendou started to say, but Ritsuko interrupted him.

Ritsuko had walked slowly over to Rei and took her hand gently. This calm action startled Rei, so she didn't resist. "Rei. I'm sorry about everything, but you really can't marry Shinji. Now or ever."

"You're damaged goods, Rei. The honorable thing to do is commit harakiri."

Rei grew angry again. "Shut up! You sound just like a scratched DVD! I'll marry him... with or without your permission!"

"You can't. He's... your half-brother," Ritsuko said.



"What?!" everyone except Ritsuko yelled out.

Gendou finally managed to get a good look at Ritsuko. "Oh... no..."

Ritsuko sighed heavily and pointed at Gendou. "Rei, this is your father, Gendou Rokubungi."

What... What in...

After the large thud caused by Gendou collapsing to the floor in shock, the room went silent.

Child incest. He wrote a porn fic about child incest. And we're supposed to think the fic is funny and/or arousing. I... I'm just so angry right now I can't even see straight.

-E- -V- -A-

And the theater exploded.

"No!" came Rei's startled gasp.

"Fucking your own brother! I love it!" Asuka said and burst out laughing.

"I told him he wouldn't like it!!" Misato yelled from her nest of torn-up pictures.

Shinji shook out of his trance and dropped to his knees. "No... no... that can't be!"

Maybe my Maury Povich crack was a bit premature.

Asuka smiled and came over to Shinji. "'Fraid so... looks like you fucked your own sister!" She started laughing again.

"Shut up!" Shinji snapped, then shook his head slowly. "No... I didn't want her related to me... not after what I found out in the cloning tank."

"Cloning tank?" Asuka asked.

"Yes... I found out that Rei is a clone of my mother," Shinji explained.

So I guess that makes him a motherfucker.

Asuka looked between Rei and the Yui visible in the viewpoint. "Really? I guess there is a resemblance..."

"What?" a startled gasp from Rei interrupted her.

Shinji looked over and saw that it was Rei who spoke. "You didn't know? I... I'm sorry, but Ritsuko showed us the tank with all the other..."

Rei shook her head. "I know I'm technically a clone, but not of your mother."

What.

"Huh? But..."

"I was created during Second Impact. If anyone could be called my mother, it would be Misato."

No. She was not created during Second Impact, and Misato was not involved at all. This is stupid.

"What?!" Misato's startled cry rang out, echoing off the distant walls of the theater. She staggered to her feet.

Rei nodded. "I was created using material from the Second Angel and your eggs. That is why you were placed in the escape pod... so that you could escape with me and the other First Children in your womb."

WHAT THE FUHGURIOPHU$(&PUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUOUO"L:>HIUO#KLM:<">NIKLJ<?>L":OPIHUOG:"?!"}:{LTO#+(*Y&*^Y(*)IP:L


Misato started to tremble. "This sucks."

After Misato collapsed to the floor in shock at the news, the theater went silent.


[End - Garden of EVA 0:9 - Love Bites!]
[End - Book 0 - Bites]

[Coming soon: Book 1 - Sucks]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

Pisse-kopf is German for piss-head.

Are the revelations starting to drive you mad? Don't worry... they will get even worse in the next book which really sucks.

I wouldn't know, because I plan to avoid it like Custer's Revenge.

As indicated above, this ends the first 'book' of Garden of EVA. The next book will be the 'sucks' portion of the story. I know ending the first series of stories with a group of shocking revelations is a bit cruel, but I'm not going to make you wait long for 'Sucks' to start with the first part: "Garden of EVA 1:1 - Families Suck!"

The chicken soup dispenser jokes were inspired by the very first Red Dwarf episode.

Why do you have to drag Red Dwarf into this? Why?

Just to forestall any argument... it was never stated directly in the TV series or the movies that Rei was a clone of Yui. It was implied and I'm fairly certain that that was the creators' intentions, but Rei being smuggled away from Second Impact within Mistao's womb does fit with the events shown in the TV series (she was about 14 at the time). It's not my fault the creators were so vague about everything that they didn't explain Rei's origins directly and left this opening for me.

REI LOOKS LIKE YUI. SHE ONLY SHOWED UP AFTER YUI DIED. THERE WAS A TANK FULL OF REI CLONES. SHINJI REMARKS ABOUT HOW MOTHERLY HE THINKS REI IS. OBVIOUSLY, REI WAS CREATED BY AN ANGEL KNOCKING UP MISATO.

I know the 'Red Book' directly states that Rei is a clone of Yui, but I am using what actually was mentioned and shown in the 26 TV episodes as 'canon' for Garden of EVA. Although elements from the End of Evangelion movie are starting to find their way in (mostly to explain Third Impact which was glossed over so quickly in the TV series), Garden of EVA will not end like the TV series or the movies. Anything up to and including the 5 minute alternate world in the TV episode 26 is my canon as far as Garden of EVA is concerned.

In other words, you're just ignoring shit. Just like a true Evangelion analyst! (Remember, you can't spell "analysis" without "anal.")

I'd like to thank my pre-readers Thomas Kinnen, Arnold Callwood, Axel Terizaki, Johan Holmberg, EBJ, Lilly Maxx, James Grabowski, and David Johnston for helping me find and fix problems with this story. FFML members Chris Davies, Cherry Tiger, Michael A. Chase, Thomas C. Kinnen, Mark Ferrer, Matthew Campbell, David Smith, and Ravi Duvvuri were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (January 15th, 1999)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (February 28, 1999)
Revision 0.3 - FFML draft (March 27, 1999)
Revision 1.0 - Final version (April 9, 1999)
Revision 1.1 - First RAAC posting (April 11, 1999)

I'd love to say this is the end, but it isn't. I still have to riff "Outtakes Suck," which will be posted tomorrow. Right now, though, I feel a pressing need to crawl under something and cry.


--------------------
Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

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Post #15
Dr. O


witch doctor
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post Feb 28 2011, 04:28 PM
I hope history is kind to us all
I know they’ll blame me for the fall
I only wish there’s a better way out
but there’s no better way out

[EVA][Fanfic][LEMON] Garden of EVA 0:9x - Outtakes Bite!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 0:9x - Outtakes Bite!
A Garden of EVA side story

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim Lazar

He's gonna take you back to the past
To read the shitty fics that suck ass

A biting series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

[Text in brackets is comments/information added for this side story compilation.]

Lines of asterisks ***** indicate the start and ending of each outtake section, anything between the lines is considered the same outtake.

Remember when people used to use rows of asterisks to denote when a scene begins and ends? I do. Back then you could buy an internet connection with six pounds of wooly mammoth meat.

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
This side story contains all the sex and other sick and twisted parts that weren't in the first book of Garden of Eva. Expect anything... and remember that these are outtakes from various drafts of what became the final stories and have no official part in the Garden of EVA story/continuity (except for one section as noted).

That's right, folks. These are the parts of the story that the author looked at and thought "no, this isn't good enough to be in my teenage incest porn fic."

I have added some comments (in brackets []) as sort of a running commentary on why I did things the way I did and why certain things were changed for the final versions.

A rare glimpse into the mind of a serial badfic writer.

Note: In most cases, grammatical and spelling mistakes have been left in the excerpts.

Chainsaw warning: There is a particularly sick chainsaw scene in this outtake story. Some evil writer wrote that scene and made me use it. Honest. I could never do something that sick.

Suuuuuuuure.

***********************************************************************
[Some joke warnings that were never used]

Oh FFS.

Warning: This fic is known to cause extreme vomiting and nose bleeds when read in an upside down position while eating Cheerios.

Warning: This story ends in a completely incomprehensible thrown together ending that will only be partially understandable after you pay to see the movie ending (oops... that warning was for TV episodes 25 and 26, not Garden of EVA).

Whatever you say about Evangelion, it didn't have incest, so I wouldn't be so proud.

Warning: The author of this fic is mentally unstable and may throw nasty plot twists in at anytime. Sometimes they are part of a greater plan, but sometimes he just likes to screw with his reader's minds.

Warning: The author will only finish this series if a Rei Ayanami look-alike shows up at his door and offers to recreate every sex scene the author writes. Note: If this actually happens, forget the plot... full lemon ahead.

So it's either have sex with him, or he keeps writing. Now there's a dilemma.

Warning: Writing warnings is hard work, please send me cash (large denominations only).

Warning: This fic bites.

"Joke warning?" He should have just cut out the long-ass disclaimer before each chapter and just used that one instead.

Warning: You're not really reading these warnings anyway, so why should I bother writing any real warnings in them anyway?

Warning: This is the second to last warning.

Warning: Oops, this is the REAL second to last warning.

Warning: See, I told you that was the REAL second to last warning.

I could put in a few more facepalm pics, but then we'd be here all day.

***********************************************************************
[Reality Bites]

[The never seen outside of the FFML 8k one-shot story that started it all.]
[True story: Written in one and a half hours before I went to the beach (and got sunburned).]

[The original headers and ramblings have been left on from the original post to the FFML. It's for atmosphere.]

Crap counts as "atmosphere" now. You know, like Resident Evil.

Subject: [FFML][EVA][Fanfic][Draft] Eva - Reality Bites
Date: Sat, 11 Jul 1998 10:20:44 -0700
From: Jim Lazar <jimlazar@earthlink.net>

[EVA][Fanfic] Eva - Reality Bites

A quick story about the last episode of Evangelion. Let me know what
you think. I might expand it a bit, but I wanted to get some feedback
first.

And so it began.

[Expand it a bit... ha! Little did I know what I was getting myself into when I wrote this little piece last year. smile.gif]

(see I can do something other than Ranma fanfics smile.gif

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

---
Eva - Reality Bites

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Eva - Reality Bites story created, written, and Copyright 1998 by Jim Lazar

Whoa. Deja vu.

---
Spoiler warning: This story contains references to episode 26 of the original Neon Genesis Evangelion TV series. If you have not seen that episode, this story contains spoilers. Also, some understanding of that episode is useful to fully enjoy this story. This story has no connection with any of the Eva movies.
---

"Unit 01, Angel at 9 o'clock."

Oh hey, a generic Eva fight. At least nobody's fucking.

"I've got it. Asuka, take the Angel on your right. I'll take this new one," Shinji called out. He quickly adjusted his Eva's controls and his Eva Unit 01 lumbered to engage the new threat.

"Who put you in command!" an angry female voice replied over the intercom.

Shinji sighed. It was like this every time they piloted the Evas. "Just do it, you're closer to that one!" Shinji yelled back.

"Jerk," Asuka replied. Then her Eva Unit 02 launched a volley of high-powered bullets at her target.

I'm pretty sure that it would take all of ten minutes, if that, to code an AI that can write at least as well. "Execute fanfic protocol 5A: giant robot fight scene. If character=Shinji then add dialogue 'mighty oak.' End loop." Piece of cake.

"You'd be better off using hand to hand with that Angel," a calm female voice informed Asuka.

"When I want your advice, I'll ask for it!"

Shinji was wrestling with an Angel which was twice the size of his Eva. He tried to get his progressive knife into the Angel's eye, but the eye kept moving around the body to avoid the knife.

I guess this begs the question: is glorified Angel whack-a-mole better or worse than Eva DDR?

"Damn it!" Shinji cursed. An explosion rocked Shinji's entry plug. He turned his Eva's head to find the source. It was Unit 00. "Rei!"

"I am undamaged," Rei replied.

For a certain value of "undamaged."

Shinji returned to trying to kill his Angel. He grinned as he finally found the eye with his blade. The Angel exploded and sent him flying backwards right into Eva Unit 02.

"Get off of me, Shinji!" Asuka called.

"I'm not doing this because I like you!" Shinji screamed back. He tried to move his Eva off Eva Unit 02, but the Angel Asuka was fighting had wrapped an elastic arm around both of them.


[Yes, this first part was meant to make people wonder what and where this all was happening while still being funny. It still seems like it could be anywhere in the middle of the EVA series.]

Well, he got one part of that right.


"Hey look! Shinji and Asuka are doing it!" Touji called out.

"Pervert! Just fight your own Angel and leave the lovebirds alone!" Hikari scolded Touji.


[Adding Hikari and Touji here was to confuse the readers further about where this all fit into EVA. It would almost have to be an alternate universe for Touji to be piloting again... but of course, it doesn't turn out to be... well, not exactly.]

You know, there's a certain point where "using a hook to get the audience's attention" turns into "incoherent dickery." Then again, this fic is based on the final episode of Evangelion, so...


"We are not! Our Eva's are just tangled up!" Asuka insisted.

"Very well, I'll take care of this,' Rei said.

Soon, Eva Unit 00 destroyed the Angel holding Units 01 and 02 in their doggy style position. As the Angel exploded, the three Eva units were blasted in all directions.

Touji pivoted his Eva Unit 03 and used his Eva's flexible arms to strangle the glowing Angel in front of him. With a sickening sucking sound, the Angel's head popped off and a bloody mess fell to the ground. "Cool!" Touji exclaimed.

And thus ended the short life of Peziel, Angel of Plastic Candy Dispensers.

"Oh, that's just sick," Hikari said, holding back her lunch. She then pivoted her Eva Unit 06 quickly to dodge the Angel who was rushing at her back. With a sweep of her long progressive sword, she cut the angel in half. She smirked.

"Nice form, Hikari," Kensuke called out, just as he used his Eva Unit 05 to toss an Angel into a energy barrier that the ground forces had erected nearby. The Angel exploded with a chorus of song.

An Angel-vaporizing energy barrier.
...
Sure why not.

"Hey! Quit hitting on my babe!" Touji snapped.

"I'm not a babe! You Neanderthals!"

Shinji had gotten his Eva Unit 01 back to it's feet and was scanning for an Angel to attack. He spotted one advancing on the group of Eva's from his left, he raced off towards it. "Die!" he screamed as he grabbed a huge rifle on the run. He swung the rifle up and blasted the Angel repeatedly. The Angel's advance was slowed by his shots, but not stopped.


[Still seems like it could be a battle in the 'real' Eva universe
doesn't it?]

No. It really doesn't.


Suddenly, Eva Unit 00 was in front of Shinji. It appeared to be grinning, but that couldn't be. Shinji was very surprised when Unit 00 thrust it's progressive knife at his Eva's head. The knife was embedded deeply in Eva Unit 00's head and Shinji's controls went dead.

"Damn it! Why did you do that, Rei?!" Shinji shouted, but got no response since his systems were all dead.


[And the sudden killing of Shinji was the climax of the battle... so completely unlike the Rei we know that it provided a huge shock in the otherwise 'normal' looking battle.]

You know what's a shock? THIS WHOLE FUCKING MESS. But since that's apparently what you were aiming for, then MISSION ACCOMPLISHED, DOUCHEBAG.


Finally, his entry plug opened up and he crawled out. Rei was standing over him in her school uniform. Rei grinned and put her hand son her hips. She said, "That's for looking at my panties this morning!"

"That was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Yeah, right. Hikari filled me in on you and the Idiot Trio," Rei said.

Osaka, Kagura, and Tomo?

"Fine then. If all it cost me was losing a dumb VR game, then it was worth it for a peek at your panties!" Shinji snapped back at Rei.

"That's the last time you're ever see them! Pervert!" Rei informed Shinji and stormed out of the game area.


[And these paragraphs placed the story firmly into the alternate world of episode 26 and established what had just happened as a VR game. The VR game was partially inspired/based on the Battletech simulator game centers that I have had occasion to frequent in the past.]

A story inspired by Battletech and the apocalypse-fueled delusions of Shinji Ikari. That... explains a lot, actually.


Shinji watched her leave, then was joined by Touji and Kensuke. "Oh yeah...she has the love jones for me," Shinji said.

"She hides it well," Kensuke said, smirking.

"So, Shinji...what was it like to hump Asuka?" Touji asked.

"Huh? Oh...that was nothing."

"Tell me about it, I didn't even feel it," Asuka said, as she walked up behind the Idiot Trio. She smiled at them and made her exit.

"Don't mind me, I'm just here to make a one-liner dick joke."

"What's with her today?" Shinji asked.

"Must be her time of the month," Touji offered.

Except that for Asuka, "that time of the month" is the three or so days when she's not on the rag and is actually almost tolerable.

"Okay you three morons! Get out of the game area and we can see how pitifully you did," Hikari commanded, then herded them out. The next group of Eva pilots crawled into the game entry plugs.

-E- -V- -A-

They all sat in the food court at the shopping center where the Evangelion game center was. "That was a fun game, until Rei killed me," Shinji remarked.

Rei stuck her tongue out at Shinji, the took a sip of her drink.

"If only those Eva units were real. It'd be really cool to really pilot them," Kensuke said, examining a book of schematics of the game Evas.

The laughably bad schematics that alternate between being obtuse and just plain dumb. Oh, right... Battletech.

"I guess, but Shinji would want his to anatomically correct," Asuka remarked.

"I already said that was an accident!" Shinji insisted.

"Shinji loves Asuka. Shinji loves Asuka!" Touji and Kensuke taunted.

"Cut that out!" Shinji yelled.


[And this was a brief introduction to the 'alternate' versions of the characters. They were intended to be like the characters in the early part of the Evangelion TV series (when it still had some comedic elements), but more carefree and happy. At this point, I had no long range plot or story worked out--hard to do a lot of plotting in one and a half hours.]

It shows.

-E- -V- -A-

The gang walked home from the mall. Rei was walking with Hikari in the back. "So is Asuka really Shinji's girlfriend?" Rei asked Hikari, softly.

Hikari replied, "Not that I know of. They just grew up together."

A small smile crossed Rei's face.

I feel like I'm watching Stalin as a kid. You know how he's going to turn out, but you just can't quite believe it.


[And a brief glimpse of Rei's attraction to Shinji to end the little story. I did think about expanding the story further than this when I wrote it, but feedback on ideas like this can be very useful, so that's why I whipped this 8k piece together and sent it to the FFML. You can thank their encouraging responses for inspiring me to expand it into what became 'Garden of EVA'.]

Fuck you, Fanfiction Mailing List.


(Finish?)

Actually, I'm American, but thanks for asking.

---
Email me at: mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net with comments, criticisms, or if you want to join my pre-reader list.

http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime

Which doesn't exist anymore. I don't know whether that's a good or bad thing.

Author's notes/ramblings:

This is a quick story that came to mind after seeing the final episode of Neon Genesis Evangelion. It's based in the alternate reality that Shinji briefly envisioned.

Why do so many people think that brief scene was a good setting for a fanfic? There was even a manga series based on it. You'd think that, in a show as deep and complex as Eva, the obsessive fanbase would find better fic fodder than "lol shinji sees reis panties."

Revision 0.1
July 11, 1998


[And that spawned this multi-book fanfic series. If you've read the first Book of Garden of EVA you know it's gradually gotten more serious and problematic for Shinji. Most of this was intentional, but some was just dumb luck and some due to good feedback from my pre-readers, FFML members, and other readers. Thank you all.]

It has certainly gotten more problematic.

***********************************************************************
[Garden of EVA 0:4 - Rei Bites!]

[After Shinji returned home from school in 0:4, he fell asleep and had a *REALLY* bad dream. The dream made my pre-readers sick, so I removed it from the final version. Now you can be sickened by it as well, but don't read it while you're drinking milk.]

Heaven help us.

Shinji finished his bath and dried off. Since he was home alone, he had to set traps on all the doors and windows to keep the bumbling burglars from stealing all the Christmas presents. Being a sadistic little bastard, he took great pleasure in maiming and torturing the two imbeciles.

Does this mean that in the sequel, Shinji goes to New York?

[Does anyone else think the kid from Home Alone will end up as some S&M queen's plaything someday?]

...
A rare glimpse into the mind of a lemon writer, folks. Just don't stare into the abyss too long, all right?

Shinji was watching the two burglar's penises start to bubble as they cooked in the microwave. Shinji laughed maniacally like a schoolgirl in a too tight leotard, "Hohohohohohohohohohohoho!"

Did he say this was a dream? More like a nightmare. No, nightmare's not strong enough... More like a cataclysm. A nightmare cataclysm, if you will.

[Shinji was channeling Kodachi. smile.gif]


One of the burglars, the short stocky one, crawled into the kitchen leaving a trail of blood behind him. He used a chainsaw to cut off Shinji's penis.

To the author's credit, that is by far the funniest thing in this entire fic. But he excised it from the final draft, proving that his true brilliance lies in snatching fail from the jaws of victory.

Shinji woke up screaming. Shinji immediately checked for the presence of his manhood and sighed in relief when he confirmed it was still attached. He thought about confirming that it was still functioning, then decided his skin was wrinkly enough. He finished his bath and dried off.

Since he was home alone he just walked into his bedroom without bothering to cover up. He gasped when he saw Rei sitting patiently on his bed. "Rei? How'd you get in here?"

"And how'd you get past my gauntlet of fiendish burglar traps?"

"Oh, a girl has her ways," Rei said, as a large smile grew on her face. "I really don't understand why Asuka insists on calling it a twig."

"Huh?" Shinji asked. Rei nodded downwards. Shinji looked down and finally remembered he was completely naked. "Arghhhh!" he screamed and ran out of the room. He returned a few moments later with a robe on.


[In the final version of 0:4, Shinji wakes up from this dream in the following paragraph:

Shinji woke up in the bath and screamed loudly. Shinji immediately checked for the presence of his manhood and sighed in relief when he confirmed it was still attached. He thought about confirming that it was still functioning, but then decided his skin was wrinkly enough so he finished his bath and dried off. "Damn, what a disgusting dream."

So, the readers had no idea just HOW disgusting it really was at the time... now you do.]

Not half as disgusting as the stuff that actually made it into the fic. If you're going to cut a section because of genital mutilation and then go on to gleefully write about anatomically correct Evas getting butchered, then you're either a hypocrite or a dumbass. Or, in this case, both.

***********************************************************************
[Garden of EVA 0:4 - Rei Bites!]

[Original interrupted makeout scene in Shinji's bedroom (0:4 was going to be a full lemon-something I had a hard time keeping Garden of EVA from becoming at times)]

I can tell.


"Damn, no need to cover up for me, Shinji," Rei said, sadly.

"Um...why are you here, Rei?" Shinji asked.

"Just leaving a present under your pillow," Rei said. She stood up, walked over to Shinji and kissed him briefly on his lips. "Thanks for not talking about my panties today." Then she left the room, leaving a dazed Shinji behind her.

"Huh?" Shinji eventually gasped. He looked out into the hallway, but Rei was gone. Shinji scratched his head, then walked over to his bed and moved his pillow. He gasped as he saw the same red lace panties that Rei was wearing that morning. He picked them up and looked at the lipstick mark on them. "Rei's lips..." he muttered, then kissed the panties.

"Sugoi kawaii neko-baka-desu! An indirect kiss!'

Shinji smiled, tossed his robe off and lay down on his bed. "Yup, she loves me," he said, then smelled the panties. "The sweet scent of my beloved."

Hate to break it to you, but underwear generally does not smell good. Then again, lemon writers also think that bodily fluids are delicious, so this isn't all that surprising.

"Glad you like them."

Shinji gasped, then covered his erection with the panties. "Rei!"

Rei smiled. She advanced on the trembling Shinji and put her hand on Shinji's chest.

"Um, maybe I should put something on?" Shinji asked.

"Now why would you want to do that?" Rei replied. Rei winked and ran her hand over Shinji's naked chest.

Shinji couldn't think of any reasons. Of course, he didn't really try that hard. A crooked smile, also known as a leer, crossed his face.

You know, this wasn't that interesting the first time around.

"Now, Shinji," Rei said, tracing little circles around Shinji's nipples. "Do you understand why it's best not to tell your hormone driven friends about certain things?"

Shinji gulped. "Yes, it has sunk in. My lips are sealed."

Rei smirked. "Oh...well you'll need to open them eventually," Rei said. She slipped over Shinji's body and sat on top of his hips.

At that point, Shinji realized that she had given him the only pair of panties she had with her. It was...a very warm and pleasurable sensation. Shinji grinned broadly.

Hurr...

Rei smiled at Shinji's reaction, leaned down, and gave him a passionate kiss. After her tongue had traced the inner surface of his mouth, Rei slid down his body taking little bites of his soft skin. "Yummy. Asuka doesn't know what she's missing," she muttered.


[Yes, I know this is a odd time for Rei to be talking about Asuka... but how better for Rei to find out if he's got any feelings for her than to ask while she's giving him such pleasure? smile.gif]

She's a whore. I don't think she cares about getting someone else's sloppy seconds.


"Asuka?" Shinji asked, momentarily shaken from his pleasurable stupor.

Rei briefly looked up from her progression down his body. "She likes you, but for some reason won't act on her feelings," she explained, then started to kiss her way downward again.

<I had no idea,> Shinji thought quickly, but soon forgot about everything except the feeling of what Rei was doing to him.

Then he forgot to breathe. And then he died. The end.

Rei had reached her target. She took the engorged member in one hand and traced it's length with her tongue. "Hmmmmmm." She moved her other hand to cup Shinji's balls and at the same time used her fingers to apply pressure to the base of his penis.

She wrapped her lips around the shaft and moved to the top of Shinji's 'mighty oak'. Reaching the top, she flicked her tongue out briefly to tease the tip.

This is the end.
You’ve started the fall
Can’t see the destiny
That we once saw
On the edge of dawn
What have you done

Shinji moaned and arched his back.

Rei took this as evidence that Shinji was indeed enjoying himself, so she took his member between her lips and went down on him. Slowly increasing her speed, she bobbed her head up and down on Shinji rigid member.

Shinji was breathing heavily now and was lost in ecstasy. He felt his whole body shudder and an intense feeling of pleasure flowed throughout him.

Rei lifted her head and wiped the cum off her face. "Not bad, Shin-boy," she said, smiling.

"Five seconds. That's a lot better than I thought you'd do."

Shinji, still dazed from the experience, gasped, "Thank you."

Rei got off Shinji's legs and stood up. "Anytime, but it's your turn next," she said, starting to slide her dress straps off.

"Shinji! I'm home!" a voice called from the entryway.

"Shit! It's my mother!" Shinji gasped, jumping up and looking for his robe.

His kung-fu therapist mother.

"Damn. Well, you owe me one," Rei said just before she pulled her skirt down. She calmly slipped the straps back on and went over to the window. Rei opened the window and crawled out of it, giving Shinji quite a view of herself on the way out.

"Her hair color is natural, apparently," Shinji muttered, pulling his robe on. He tossed a blanket over the wet spot on his bed sheets, sat down at his desk, and opened a textbook. He turned it right side up just as his mother poked her head in his door.

"Shinji?" Yui said. "Ah, I'm glad you didn't forget your homework. I was afraid you'd be screwing around instead."

This joke is so much funnier the second time around. I can really appreciate the subtlety now. Makes the Marx Brothers look like fucking amateurs.

Shinji looked innocently up from the textbook and said, "No, nothing much to do around here by myself."


[One of the main reasons this scene was cut down to exclude the blowjob was because it progressed their relationship too fast and in the wrong direction. The emotional side wasn't there yet. Rei knew she wanted Shinji, but at that point it was just a crush... not love. And as later events revealed, Rei was looking for something she had never had before (real love), but was going about getting it in the worse possible way.]

*cough*bullshit*cough*

***********************************************************************
[Garden of EVA 0:5 - Shinji Bites Back!]

[Original interrupted boat ride during Shinji and Rei's first date.]

I'm starting to sense a pattern in this cut material.

"Why are you so shy?"

"I'm not!"

"Yes you are. At school or with the gang you're much more expressive," Rei mentioned, placing her hand on Shinji's knee.

"Well...I don't know. It's different when I'm alone with you."

"Why?" Rei asked, sliding her hand up Shinji's leg.

"Because you smell like semen and shame."

"I don't know, maybe because you're more forward when we're alone?" Shinji suggested.

Rei grinned. "Well, it's not really proper for me to be forward like this in front of other people," Rei explained, rubbing the palm of her hand over Shinji's pants.


[This scene was to make it clear that Rei isn't exactly a 'good girl', but doesn't want word to get around that she isn't a good girl. It was also a small hint of her problems in Osaka-2 from which she had to move to escape her bad rep and other problems.]

It's kind of funny how he's trying so hard to retcon this when the plot was just "porn porn porn porn porn incest." Sort of like how Ben Hutchins desperately backpedaled and said Neon Exodus Evangelion was a parody of terrible self-insertion Mary Sue fanfiction after people bluntly informed him that it sucked ass.


Shinji gulped and looked around nervously. "I guess that's true."

Rei grinned, made sure they were away from the shore and the other boats far enough, and then slipped onto her knees. The sides of the boat were very tall so she was barely visible to onlookers. She rubbed the front of Shinji's pants some more and smiled at the reaction she received.

As Rei worked her magic, Shinji was nervously looking around to make sure no one was looking. But after several moments he lost the reasoning portion of his brain and got lost in what Rei was doing to him. Shinji moaned and arched his back.

I guess that's the one and only sex move he knows.

Rei lifted her head, wiped her mouth off, and smiled. "Not bad, Shin-boy."

Shinji, still dazed from the experience, gasped, "Thank you."

Something must be wrong with the Matrix, because I can't help but feel like I've seen this before.

Shinji pulled his pants up and zipped up the fly again. He looked around to make sure they hadn't been seen.

"Hmmmmm, tasty. My turn," Rei declared, then carefully traded places with Shinji. She glanced around, then rose on the palms of her hands.

"Tasty?" Does the author live in an alternate universe where people shit chocolate and piss lager?


[Again... their sexual escapades went too fast here and would make their real first time less 'special'.]


Shinji gulped, but took the invitation. He reached under her dress, slipped his hands up, and he slowly pulled her panties down. <Better than pictures,> he thought.

"The ones in the pictures are usually waxed. Mmm, look at all that sweet pubic hair..."

She sat down on the boat's seat and Shinji finished removing the panties. He slipped them into his pocket. Just for safekeeping, of course.

Rei lifted her dress up. As Shinji's head disappeared beneath it, she let it fall and cover him.

Rei arched her back. <Damn, not bad for his first time,> she thought, getting lost in Shinji's touch.

"Shit," Rei gasped as Shinji really dug in after several moments. She was totally lost in the feeling of what Shinji was doing to her.


[Plus, Shinji probably would have died of a nosebleed if he really was able to do this to Rei at that point in the story. smile.gif]

A nosebleed, just like in his favorite Japanese animes! And then Rei would go all super deformed and sweatdrop. Because that's what Japanese people do. In Japan.
jaaaaaapaaaaaaaaan


"Rei? Are you okay out there?" a voice called out.

A surprised Rei looked up and saw Asuka, Touji, Hikari, and Kensuke all standing on the nearby shore. Apparently, the boat had drifted closer to shore while she was 'distracted'. Rei gasped, then pushed Shinji lower into the boat. She started to say, "Yeah, Asuka. Just getting so..." Her reply was cut off when the boat tipped over from Shinji's squirming and sent them both into the cold lake.


[So basically, the final version had the interruption happen just a little sooner. As you know, they got interrupted a lot. smile.gif]

"As you know, I have basically no originality, so I ended every other scene the exact same way."

***********************************************************************
[Garden of EVA 0:5 - Shinji Bites Back!]

[This is a joke response from Shinji and Rei to my pre-readers about the changed boat ride.]


"Wait a second! I don't like this re-write!" Shinji yelled.
"Why?" I asked.
"Because I didn't get the BJ or get to enjoy Rei's sweet nectar!"

Again: it doesn't taste all that good.

"I kind of liked the first draft myself," Rei said, giggling.
"Well, it was just too soon for you two to get that intimate."
"Says who?" Rei and Shinji both asked.
"Um, some of my pre-readers. Plus you know I had trouble with the boat scene when I first wrote this part."

Wow. Nobody's ever broken the fourth wall before. This is original and humorous.

"Bastards! Why are they messing with our love life!"
"That's their jobs. They are trying to keep me from making mistakes and to improve the story."

We all know how that turned out.

"Well, when will I get to taste Rei then?"

"Jim Lazar" isn't some kind of alias for Randall Munroe, is it? Because I'm getting some serious xkcd vibes here.

"We'll see."
"What about the lemon side story to 0:5?" Rei asked, her eyes pleaded with me to keep it.
"It'll be a bit shorter, but the second part might be usable. Although not as a side story to 0:5... sorry guys."
"But I get more attention from Shinji in the lemon!!" Rei complained.
"Sorry."
"As long as that's all the changes, it's okay."
"Well, this also means some rewrites to part six and postponement of you losing your virginity Shinji."
"Shit, I'll kill those damn pre-readers!"
"I'll help you Shinji! I want your mighty oak in me!"

One night it was clear (what colors you gleam)
These things I was building (blue, black and machine)
Were not meant to serve (perfection in steel)
They were meant to conquer (a glorious future revealed)


-Just a warning to my pre-readers that Shinji and Rei are mad as hell and out to get you smile.gif So, if you see them, run like the wind. smile.gif


[Hey, I'd be mad if some people I didn't know made me wait for my first time too... smile.gif]

Why do I get the feeling he isn't speaking hypothetically?

***********************************************************************
[Garden of EVA 0:6 - EVA Bites EVA!]

[Original ending to 0:6 - before the strip poker game was introduced and changed many upcoming events.]


"Mom? Dad? Are you home?" Shinji called out as he opened the door.

Nothing was heard. He let Rei in then locked and chained the door. His fingers trembled, nervously.

Rei smiled at his nervousness. "No need to be nervous, Shinji." She leaned over and kissed Shinji on his trembling lips.

"Well, my mom would freak if she knew what we were going to do," Shinji said, checking the kitchen and family room for his parents.

Even though she ended up being the most level-headed person in the fic.

"What are we going to do?" Rei asked innocently.

"Err...well...have sex," Shinji replied then stuck his head in the bathroom to check it for anyone and to hide his blush.

Rei grinned. "Who said we were going to fuck each other?"

DENIED!

Shinji gulped, then looked at Rei, but looked downward before speaking. "Well...I sort of assumed..."

Rei smiled, then pulled Shinji into a hug. "Relax, Shinji. I'm just joking. I've been waiting for this day since I met you," Rei said, then started nibbling on his ear.

"Me too...well, since you stopped hacking me to pieces in the Eva games at least," Shinji replied. He smiled and entered his bedroom with Rei.

He closed the door, walked over and closed the blinds on his window. He turned off the main light and just left a desk lamp on. Before turning around, he felt Rei wrap her arms around his chest. He could feel her breasts against his back. Rei slid her hands into Shinji's shirt and rubbed his chest. "Shinji?"

"Do you really want to go through another cookie-cutter sex scene?"

"Yes?"

"You do have...protection, right?" Rei asked, rubbing her hands across his chest.

"Ummm...yes," Shinji exhaled. He slipped out of Rei's arms and walked over to his dresser. He pulled out one of the drawers, reached into the dresser, and pulled out a box.

Rei took the box. "Unopened, huh?"

"Yes, well...I haven't had time to use THIS box yet," Shinji claimed, although he didn't even convince himself...let alone Rei.

"It's okay if you're a virgin, Shinji," Rei said, pulling Shinji around to face her.

Virgins get a discount. After all, she has a customer base to expand.

For once Shinji couldn't wait for Rei to make the next move, so he took the to steps necessary to reach Rei. He leaned down and kissed her.

Rei wrapped her arms around his neck and got lost in the kiss. She slowly moved backward and pulled Shinji with her as they played tonsil hockey.

Incestuous tonsil hockey.

Rei felt the edge of the bed and stopped. Rei broke the kiss and then turned around. She nodded her head backwards and Shinji unzipped her skirt with trembling hands. The skirt fell to the ground. Rei turned around again and was already undoing her blouse. It fell open and she slipped it off.

Shinji smiled as he took in the view of Rei standing before him in only a bra. "You are gorgeous." Shinji tried to remember if she had removed her panties already, but didn't think she had time. <She must have been running around all day without any...naughty girl.>

While "naughty" may be technically accurate, I feel that "vile, diseased brother-fucker" better describes this version of Rei.

"Bet you say that to all the girls you fuck."

"So far," Shinji replied, smirking.

"Mr. Shinji has a sense of humor. Well, your choice what to do next."

Let's hope it doesn't involve any "sweet nectar."

Shinji gulped and motioned Rei to lay on the bed. She did. He sat down beside her and tentatively massaged her breast through the fabric of her bra.

"Don't worry, they won't break."

Shinji massaged them harder, until he just had to see them again. He reached behind her back and felt for the hooks. After what seemed an eternity to him, he found them and unhooked them with his fumbling fingers. He pulled the bra off Rei and gawked at her breasts. She was beautiful.

Rei smiled. "Glad you like the view." She rose from the bed and pulled Shinji close to her by his belt. She undid the belt and unzipped the pants.

You'd think that by this point she'd just be going through the motions.

While Rei removed his pants, Shinji unbuttoned his shirt and pulled it off.

Rei pulled his pants down and smiled. She pulled his underpants off and then pulled Shinji against her.

They kissed deeply. Maybe Shinji was overeager, because he pushed Rei down to the bed and started to kiss and nibble her neck. He moved down to her breasts.

"Not so fast, Shinji. Enjoy the trip to heaven," Rei said softly. Shinji slowed down and took his time on her breasts.

"Oh....my. Shinji I need you in me...now," Rei gasped minutes later.

I think Shinji's trying to drag it out, since he knows they'll get interrupted the moment he tries anything.

Shinji slid back up her body. Kissing little bits of her anatomy as he went.

"<Verdunk!>" Asuka screamed from the bedroom door just before Shinji entered Rei.

See?


[I hadn't had time to look up Asuka's swearword at that point so I just kind of guessed at the spelling for one of the terms she used in the TV series. It's probably wrong.]


Startled, Rei and Shinji both looked over to see a very surprised Asuka standing in the doorway.

Asuka dropped the books she was holding and gaped at the two naked teenagers in front of her.


[Needless to say, events after this part were going to be a bit different. This scene is the foundation for the scene that became the ending to 0:7 where Ritsuko catches Shinji entering Rei.]

[This scene was more sexually explicit than the one Ritsuko interrupted and would have resulted in some major changes to the 'gang' and how they related to each other. I decided that it was better to wait for the gang to find out. Also, at this point it was becoming clear that I'd be doing a longer series for Garden of EVA than I originally thought, so I could put off this revelation until later (I'm not telling when it might pop up again).]

You know, maybe Shinji should learn how to lock a door. That would save him a lot of trouble.

***********************************************************************
[Garden of EVA 0:8 - Rei's Past Bites!]

[Original ending to part 0:8... oops... I can't show you this since I'm going to use it in book 1. Sorry.]

***********************************************************************
[Gag ending to Garden of EVA 0:9]


Ritsuko walked slowly over to Rei and took her hand gently. This calm action startled Rei, so she didn't resist. "Rei. I'm sorry about everything, but you really can't marry Shinji. Now or ever."

Rei grew angry again. "Shut up! You sound just like a scratched DVD! I'll marry him... with or without your permission!"

DVD? What is this mysterious future technology of which you speak? Is it anything like my vinyls?

"You can't. He's... your nephew's brother's half-cousin's mother's best friend's half-brother," Ritsuko said.

"What does that make us?"
"Absolutely nothing!"

"What?!" everyone except Ritsuko yelled out.

Shinji collapsed to his knees. "I can't believe I fucked my own... huh?"

Rei realized the same thing Shinji just did. "Wait... does that mean we are blood related or not?"

"Yes, you are blood related!" Ritsuko insisted quickly.

Yui shook her head. "No, using the series of relationships you listed, they would not be related."

Ritsuko's shoulders slumped. "Damn, thought I could sneak that one by you all."

Rei smiled and looked at Shinji. "Guess, we can fuck each other again then."

And then move to Alabama, just to be sure.

"Yes." Shinji turned to his father. "Is that okay, Dad?"

Gendou nodded his head. "Yes, Son... just use a condom otherwise you'll be trapped in a loveless marriage with some brainy chick."

Word.

"Bastard!" Yui pulled a mallet out of somewhere and smashed Gendou into the floor.


[See I could have made the ending to 0:9 even crazier if I wanted.]
***********************************************************************
[Garden of EVA 0:9x - Sex Bites!]

[The scenes that weren't in Garden of Eva 0:9 that everyone wanted to see.]

That's an awful loose definition of "everyone" you're using there, Jim.

[Note: These two scenes are the only scenes in this side story that are officially part of the Garden of Eva continuity. They take place after Shinji and Rei return to the Ikari apartment and before Ritsuko and Yui find the couple in bed together.]

The Garden of Eva canon is very important to me.


Rei walked into Shinji's room and started undoing her blouse. A very nervous looking Shinji followed her in. He paused to watch her slip her blouse off. He gulped at the sensuous sight of her smooth back. He took a couple steps forward and tentatively put a hand to her shoulder.

Rei smiled at his touch, looked back, and gave him a sultry look. "Get my bra, will you?"

Twu wuv!

Shinji found he was unable to speak, so he just nodded his head. His fingers fumbled with the hooks and finally got them to release. He pulled at the straps, only to find that there was an another row of hooks. His fumbling fingers finally released all of the hooks and the bra joined Rei's blouse on the floor.

Rei reached back, pulled Shinji's arms around her, and placed them on her breasts. Shinji pressed his chest against her back and started to massage and knead her breasts between his fingers, which had finally stopped trembling.

Yawn...

Rei arched her back and was about to guide one of his hands lower when he did it on his own, unbidden. She felt his hand trace a path down her stomach and slip under her skirt. As he ran his fingers under her panties, he started to kiss her neck. Rei moaned and reached back with one of her arms and grasped Shinji's hair in her hand.

Shinji held one breast in one hand and explored her folds with the other. Rei gasped when he slipped a finger across her clit. She slowly turned around and assisted him in pulling her skirt and panties off.

She leaned up and kissed Shinji deeply. When her lips parted from his, she started unbuttoning his shirt. "No matter what... nothing will keep me from being with you."

"Not even the freakish mutant babies we're sure to make together."

Shinji nodded as she pulled his shirt and undershirt off him. He felt Rei start on his zipper before he thought to look down. His pants fell to his ankles. He expected his boxers to join them, but instead he felt Rei take his rapidly hardening penis into her hands through the flap. "Wha..." he gasped.

"Relax and let me taste you first." Rei kissed the head of his penis and then ran her tongue down the side. Grasping it at the base with on hand she slid her lips over the tip and then started bobbing up and down on the shaft. She felt it grow harder as she worked her magic.

They say a magician never reveals their secrets, but I'll let you in on the trick just this one time.
the key is to put the penis in your mouth

Shinji, of course, was enjoying the blowjob. He clenched his eyes shut and suddenly his whole body shuddered. Before Rei realized what was coming, her mouth and face were covered with his thick white cum.

"Damn, I was hoping you'd do that inside me." She licked her lips. "Hmmmm, tasty."

Shinji blushed. "Err... I'm sorry."

Hey, for once he didn't thank her.

Rei smiled. "No problem. I'm kind of surprised you didn't shoot your load on one of our earlier attempts."

-E- -V- -A-

Later after they cleaned up in the bathroom, Shinji and Rei lay naked in his bed. He cradled her in his arms and gently stroked her hair.

Rei rested her head on his chest, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. "Shinji? How much time do we have?"

Shinji automatically looked at the clock. "Um, I really don' t know. They could come back at any second."

"Maybe we should get dressed then."

"That would be the safe thing to do."

"Yes."

Neither of them moved for several minutes.

It's hard to feel sorry for them when they're so stupid.

Then Rei ran her hand down to trace circles around the base of his penis.

And then it moved.

Rei smiled. She started nibbling on his chest as she took the mighty oak in her hand and stroked the shaft, feeling it grow hard in between her fingers.

Their eyes were opened easily (rise up my sons)
It was like flipping a switch (there is much be done)
They were more than happy to join me (this is final stage)
Because, they believe (lead us into a new age)

Shinji ran his hand down Rei's side and enjoyed the feel of her silky skin under his fingertips. Suddenly, he rolled over on top of her and kissed her deeply.

Their tongues teased each other, as if performing a slow dance between their joined lips. When their lips parted, Rei whispered, "Please do it now, Shinji."

Shinji leaned back, hoping he knew what she meant. He slid off her legs and then knelt down between them. When she spread her legs further apart, he knew he had guessed correctly.

Derp.

He grabbed a condom, fumbled with the wrapper, and managed on the third try to unroll it over his erect penis. Then he slid between her spread legs and ran the tip of his penis across Rei's folds.

Rei gasped, then shuddered when she felt him begin to enter her. "Ahhhh.... ah..... um... Shinji?"

Shinji blinked. "Yes?"

"Wrong hole."

From a certain point of view.

Shinji blushed and withdrew. "Sorry about that..."

Rei smiled sweetly. "No problem. Get another condom and aim a bit better this time..." She winked.

Shinji nervously pulled the condom off and discarded it. He then unrolled another one using his trembling fingers. Before re-entering her, he leaded down and gave her a passionate kiss. He moved down her body, kissing as he went.

He reached his target and kissed those lips once. Once again, he moved in between her legs and prepared to enter her. He fingered her folds, then pressed his penis between them. Before inserting it into her, he looked down to double-check he was in the correct location this time.

Rei giggled as she saw how careful he was being this time. Then she
gasped as she felt him thrust into her. "Ahhhh..." She had no doubt he
had the right hole this time. "Ohhhh... ah...."

Best dialogue of this whole fic.

Shinji thrust repeatedly into Rei, feeling the pressure grow with each thrust. Both him and Rei were panting loudly now. This continued until Shinji fell backwards, sweating and trying to catch his breath.

Rei raised herself from the bed. "You okay?"

"Yeah..."

Rei slid on top of Shinji and gave him a deep kiss. Then she reached down and grabbed his penis. After stroking it with her hand, she crouched over him and lowered herself onto the rigid member. Rei started to bounce up and down on top of Shinij's mighty oak.

Now it’s done
We’re divided
Call him home
This one’s misguided

I see his hands
Covered in my children’s blood
And his eyes do not waver

Shinji looked up and was mesmerized by the sight of Rei bouncing up and down on top of him. Her breasts seemed to have a life of their own, just bouncing a split second behind the rest of her body.

Suddenly, Shinji stiffened as he felt his body shudder. The shudder flowed down his body, through his penis, and into Rei.

Rei gasped and arched her back as she felt Shinji come inside her. She cried out in ecstasy as she came along with him. "Oh... Shinji!"

All too soon, the feeling ended and Rei collapsed into Shinji's arms. For minutes, neither of them spoke as they clung to each other's naked bodies.

Finally, Rei broke the silence. "Wow... what a stallion."

What, has she fucked a horse, too?

Shinji already flushed face deepened to a dark red as he blushed. "Err... thanks."

Rei placed her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. "I love you, Shinji."

Shinji responded without hesitation. "I love you too, Rei."

The two teenagers clung to each other as their eyes slowly closed and they nodded off to sleep.


[And of course, this is how their two mothers found them later.]

[I thought about writing more detail about their first time into 0:9, but I liked the way the original read with the reader wondering if Ritsuko and Yui would find:

a) Shinji about to have sex with Rei

AKA "the same exact thing that happened in every other chapter."

b) Shinji having hot passionate sex with Rei
c) Shinji and Rei in bed after having sex
d) There is no d
e) Gendou being beheaded by Shinji
f) Rei biting the head of Shinji's penis off

We have a winner! Unless "Shinji biting the head of Rei's penis off" is an option.

g) None of the above
h) All of the above

It made it more romantic in my opinion too, since it was off screen... well until now, that is.]

The author was wisely realized that anything not included in his work is automatically better than the material that is.

***********************************************************************

[End - Garden of EVA 0:9x - Outtakes Bite!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:

I'd like to thank everyone who encouraged me when I first posted the short 8k piece to the FFML that later grew to become this beast I call Garden of EVA.

I'd also like to thank my pre-readers, past and present, who occasionally found some errors and kept me from making big mistakes (some of which were in this outtake side story).

I'd like to thank my pre-readers Johan Holmberg, EBJ, David Johnston, Thomas C. Kinnen, and Rei No Tenshi for helping me find and fix problems with this story. FFML members Jiro Maeda, and Michael A. Chase were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Initial compiled draft (March 7, 1999)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (April 19, 1999)
Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (April 28, 1999)
Revision 1.0 - Final version/First RAAC posting (May 6, 1999)

This is the end
You’ve started the fall
Can’t see the destiny
That we once saw
On the edge of dawn
What have you…

I am Dr. O, and this has been Garden of Eva. Don't cry for me. I'm already dead.


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Index of horrible mocks

QUOTE ("Al_Cone")
However, I totally would sleep with the Doc... but only for your brain.

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Post #16
Oogie-Boogie


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post Apr 20 2012, 09:34 AM
Poor Shinji, even his dream-fantasies are disasters… Except the revelation is that Shinji is a emotional- masochist.

Great Work Dr. O, truly good work.
This fic became absolute nuts in the End, it was glorious… This is the right kind of stupid, so stupid it is funny.
Your comments did good… All the Wood pictures…
And I will thank for showing me “The Megas”. Very good Music.

And you lent a bit from Rob Bricken and the Famous exploding Head from Scanners. I think it was appropriate enough for this Moment in the Fic.

This was simply great and I had a blast reading this.


--------------------
Oh, brother, you're something, you put me in a spin
You aren't comprehending the position that you're in
It's hopeless, you're finished, you haven't got a prayer
'Cause I'm Mr. Oogie Boogie and you ain't going nowhere



My MSTings:

Silent Ponyville - In Progress. Team-Mock with Maniak. 1/5 Chapters mocked.

Human Emotions - Portal/Slender Man One Shot

The Incredible Adventures of Professor Mykan, A Yu-Gi-Oh!/Totally Spies Crossover - In Progress 2/31 Chapters mocked

Women of Cheese vs. Trainee for a massive Man - Naruto/The Incredible Hulk One-Shot Crossover.
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