9/11: Yu-Gi-Oh Edition, Alan Jackson can kiss my ass. Options

[Al_Cone]

So I'm sitting there one night, in my fabulous Venetian estate, surrounded by sexy beautiful women who live to satisfy my every whim, and I think to myself "What sort of bad fanfic shall I assrape this time?"

For a while, nothing came to mind. Despairing, I fled to my study, slammed the door shut and bolted it, then isolated myself with naught but my books, my roaring fire, my double-breasted velvet suit, my two favorite sex toys on legs (y'know, women) and my high-powered machine that makes Univac look like a fucking Abacus, and I poured through the internets, searching tirelessly for bad fan fiction. Silly me; I could have found bad fan fiction anywhere that I went, but I was looking for something unique. Something maudlin, something sappy, something that tugged vainly on the heartstrings. Something written by a self-absorbed pre-teen, trapped in a delusion of being profound, reading deeply into fictional characters' souls and determining a reaction that they would have when placed in circumstances that would never, ever occur on the show that they hail from.

Then I discovered Where Were You? a Yu-Gi-Oh songfic set to a song by the same name. A song which, mind you, is about 9/11. A transparent money-making ploy meant to play on fresh feelings of grief and turmoil, guaranteed to make a vast amount of money, written by a man who believes that God uses him as a pen to write country music with? And it's being used in a yaoi fanfic by a pre-teen girl?

It's perfect! It's absolutely perfect! Elated, I sent away the banging hot broads and set to work on the mock which you now read before you. And here we are.

This story, as the summary suggests, is about Seto Kaiba mourning the death of his boyfriend, Yugi. Which, itself, is pretty plausible; to me, if an anime doesn't have heavy gay subtext between two characters, it's doing something wrong. The implausible part is where Yugi and Joey (referred to in-story by his Japanese name, Brooklyn-Accented Asshole) were apparently both victims of the 9/11 terrorist attacks.

Because, as we all know, the flight that struck WTC Tower 2 was outbound from Japan.

...

Maybe it's a misconception. Maybe the story has nothing to do with 9/11. But it doesn't say anything to the contrary. It's incredibly vague about the circumstances regarding their deaths. And given the nature of the song it's set to, I'm assuming that this story is about Yugi and Joey's deaths in the September 11th terrorist attacks. Which adds a real touch of surrealism to a story that is otherwise really fucking terrible.

Of course, when all's said and done, it's still miles better than Normal Teenage Life.

********

XXXXX

PetPetAngel: Hello! This will be a SongFic, to the song Where were You? (When the World Stopped Turning) It's by Alan Jackson. It's a very good song if you ask me, listen to it someday. I really think you'd like it.

"I know everything about you--where you live, your hobbies, your daily routine, and exactly how you like being sexually pleasured. So when I say that you'd really like this song, and that you should listen to it someday, what I really mean is 'I'm going to rape you regardless of whether you listen to this song or not, so you may as well listen to the song anyway.'"

This SongFic is to commemorate those who died during 9/11.

I'm sure the families of those victims would be honored by your fanfic which is 50% original material by volume (and whose original material manages to make the song look like fucking gold by comparison).

Yami and Yugi: Who's the victim?

The reader.

PetPetAngel: No telling! Sorry! Nah, read the summary and you'll find out. LOL!

Suspense is for terrorists.

You two are clueless. But first! Disclaimer!

Yami and Yugi: PetPetAngel does not own Yu-Gi-Oh! Don't sue. Now continue typing!

PetPetAngel: Shush! I'm typing. I'm typing! Jeez... Touchy!

Yami and Yugi: Get on with it already!

You know, I'm a big proponent of people acting out their psychological issues through their writing, but there's just something about someone channeling their multiple personality disorder via anime characters complaining about that person's writing that just makes me want to punt babies.

XXXXX

Where Were You?

Written by:

PetPetAngel

Read for you by Jim Dale. Enjoy your fucking holidays, you enormous faggoty faggots.

XXXXX

Summary: Seto Kaiba reminisces over the loss of his boyfriend, Motou Yugi. But he is not the only one.

Yugi had a lot of boyfriends.

Yami also reminisces for the loss of his boyfriend, Jounouchi Katsuya. They both think and talk about loved ones, with all their friends behind them.

This being a yaoi fanfic, it's encouraged that you take that line as literally as possible.

This event has devastated everyone, even Bakura, Malik, and Marik.

Wait, but--but aren't Malik and Marik the same person? Isn't one just the Romanized version of the other's name? Oh, I get it. She's trying to differentiate the good side from the evil side.

...

That just raises further questions!

Now they all think about where they were, when their world stopped turning.

XXXXX

Key

"Blah" Speech

Italics Lyrics

That is the worst Haiku I have ever read.

XXXXX

Seto's Point of View

I can't believe it. He died. He died! Why would he do that?

Stupid Yugi, doing something so self-centered like dying. What an asshole!

He never gave up! Never... I stared at his milky pale skin, and wished for it to radiate that glow of warmth, but his body did not respond.

The fact that it was charred, blackened and lay in several small piles atop the autopsy bed might have done something to deter that warm radiance.

He was just there. He and Jounouchi had gone out for the simplest reason. They had gone to visit Shizuka. And then it happened.

If you ask me, it's their own faults for going out on a day when the weather forecast called for a heavy chance of Godzilla in the mid-afternoon.

Where were you when the world stopped turning, on that September day?
Out in the yard with your wife and children?
Or working on some stage in L.A.?

Goddamn liberal Hollywood bastards. You deserved to have your world stop turning!

Did you stand there in shock? At the sight of that black smoke?
Rising against that blue sky?
Did you shout out in anger and fear for your loved ones?

"Or did you, by chance, watch it live on the television and think to yourselves 'I bet I can make a quick buck writing a crappy song about this'?"

I sat down. I can't believe it. It's not fair! I slammed my fist down on the coffee table in the Kame Game Shop, gaining the attention of everyone in the room. The silence was choking. The silence was deafening.

The silence was radioactive. The silence was non-euclidean. The silence was beer-battered and served with a side of coleslaw.

I tension screamed bloody murder at all it's occupants. I faintly heard a fist connect to the wall, the sound echoing in the room. Yami sat down beside me.

Three unrelated events occurring simultaneously.

I know why he did that. He wants to hurt. He wants to scream in agony, and cry out, just like I do. Just to let ourselves know we haven't gone numb.

Because that's when you start listening to Linkin Park songs. And you won't know true suffering until that happens.

That we're still here. That this isn't some twisted joke... Or better... A dream.

A dream is a wish your heart makes. This shit's a fucking terrorist attack, you mullet-wearing asshole.

Mokuba was crying. Why I brought him here, I don 't know. I shouldn't have.

Back in the kennel for you, Mokuba.

Everyone was crying except me and Yami. So I did the only thing I could. I cried for the first time in years.

Or did you just sit down and cry?

Oh, I get it. The song is mirroring the action in the story. That happened once when I was reading a Dragon Ball Z songfic set to Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah, and Vegeta all of a sudden picked up a banjo and began singing about his idyllic life as an indentured servant on a plantation.

But I did notice something. Anzu wasn't crying, and that alone unnerved you had lost two of your best friends, wouldn't you be expected to cry a river?

"People who cope with loss in different ways than me fucking piss me off."

I would, and I intend to. I will cry for Yugi, the one I loved, and even Jounouchi, someone who was a good friend. I will only for that, and that alone. I know that children shouldn't be here. Mokuba shouldn't be here. But it's to late.

It's your fault for holding the wake at a nudie bar.

Did you weep for the children,
Who lost their dear loved ones?
Did you pray for the ones who don't know?
Did you rejoice for the people who walked for the rubble,
And sob for the ones left below?

Or did you pay your lyricist fifty bucks per stanza to hurriedly scribble out a terrible song meant to empty people's wallets by taking advantage of their grief towards a national tragedy?

Something I liked about Jounouchi and Yugi, was that they would do whatever it took to help another. They would pray for ones they didn't know. Defend what wasn't theirs, and burst out in pride when they were done. Yugi was innocent, sweet, caring, that's why I loved him. But I also loved him because he showed wisdom beyond his years.

It takes a wise man indeed to realize that all of life's problems can be solved simply by playing children's card games.

And Jounouchi... I looked to heaven, to expect god laughing at me...

God engineered the entire 9/11 terrorist attack to fuck with Seto Kaiba's head. Then he framed Mandy for it.

Did you burst in pride, for the red white and blue?
And the heroes that died, just doing what they do?
Did you look up to heaven for some kind of answer?
And look at yourself, and what really matters?

Or did you look at your wallet, now bursting with tear-stained dollar bills from heartbroken consumers whose bent and broken heartstrings you had successfully tugged, relishing the ease with which you took their money and reflecting on how soon you hope another national tragedy occurs, so that you can repeat the swell process all over again?

Yugi was so simple. So caring. He loved to write, and nobody knew it but me.

Kaiba was the only person who ever subscribed to Yugi's fanfiction.net account.

He wrote stories, and poems. But most importantly, he wrote songs. He watched all types of shows, and sometimes even got Jounouchi to watch them...

Yugi: I'm telling you man, this Firefly thing is gonna be big! It's the next Star Trek, I swear!

Jounouchi: I don't know, Yug. You said the same thing about That 80s Show.

He could tell things apart, but when he got confused... He spoke to god, whether or not he knew it... And his Mother always told him that faith, hope, and love would help in life. And it did.

And when it didn't, he always had good old fashioned crystal meth to fall back on.

Yugi loved everyone he could.

I'm a just a singer of simple songs.
I'm not a real political man.
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference,
in Iraq and Iran.
But I know Jesus and I talk to god,
And I remember this from when I was young.
Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us,
But the greatest is love.

So remember, kids: It's okay to be an ignorant, politically retarded asshole who uses people's misery as fuel for his own monetary gain and doesn't know a damn thing about the world outside of his own little slice of Asscrack, Alabama, as long as you believe in Jesus.

Everyone in this room was somewhere different, when this world stopped turning. I was at work, Mokuba at a friends. Anzu, at her dance lessons. Ryou was reading a book. Bakura was at the mall creating whatever Chaos he could.

Because when you're a malicious, limey madman whose ultimate goal is the destruction of all things good and pure in the world, the only thing that can pierce the icy shell around your heart is someone besides yourself committing mass-murder.

Malik and Marik. Who knows.

That's actually an author's note. The rest reads "Who knows which one is the correct spelling? Better refer to them both as separate characters, just to be on the safe side.

Everything is so unfair. So damn unfair. Why did he have to leave? Why did they have to go anywhere?

Kaiba probably got this way whenever Yugi would run down to the corner market to buy instant ramen and lube. Clingy bastard.

I feel so guilty. I'm a survivor, but he didn't make it. I'm so alone. I'm surrounded by people, but I still feel alone.

"Where were you when the world stopped turning?"

Where were you when the world stopped turning on that September day
Teaching a class of innocent children;
Driving down some cold interstate?
Did you feel guilty, 'cause your a survivor?
In a crowded room did you feel alone?
Did you call your Mother and tell her you love her?
Did you dust off that Bible at home?

Or did you imagine yourself on a stage with red, white and blue lights beaming down into a crowd of flag-waving fans, shelling out the cash by the bucketful to see your cold-hearted, money-driven ass belt out sorrowful lyrics penned with the blood of seventeen hundred innocent men and women?

Malik had called his sister, extremely distressed. He told her he loved her. She had asked why he was just calling her for that. He had broken down, his sister telling him comforting words from the other line.

Now wait just one goddamn minute, Kaiba said not fifteen seconds ago that he didn't know what "Malik/Marik" did! And now, all of a sudden, he does? Did Malik fill him in during the brief interlude where Alan Jackson sang more maudlin bullshit?!

I closed my eyes, for just a minute, than opened them.

This isn't a dream... A nightmare... That means he did die... That they died. They died.

I would always go to bed, close my eyes, but never fall asleep.

If this all turns out to be an advertisement for extra-drowsy NyQuil, I'm going to cap a bitch.

I would watch the sunset, but after he was gone, I really noticed. For the first time in what seems like forever. I went to church.

Being Japanese, Seto Kaiba is obviously Christian. Why, it goes entirely without saying!

But I didn't go because I wanted to, I went for him. I spoke to people on the street, just so I knew that the world wasn't a television show, that I couldn't press play or rewind.

Ironically, this was the lowest-rated episode of Yu-Gi-Oh ever when it first aired in Japan.

I stopped watching whatever I wanted, and watched reruns. Over and over. I thought of what I would do the next day... Because he wasn't there...

Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened;
And close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset for the first time in ages;
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow;
Go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent home movie your watching;
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?

Or did you strip down to your underwear, grab a hairbrush and sing "We're In The Money" into it like a microphone, while the still-smoldering ruins of Towers 1 and 2 burned on the television screen?

Also, "violent home movies?" I don't know what kind of home movies Alan Jackson makes, but mine tend to involve babies slobbering all over themselves, not stuffing screaming blonde women into refrigerators.

I went over to Mokuba, and hugged him tight. "I'm never letting you go." I've lost someone already, I'm not losing another. And especially not Mokuba.

Mokuba: Seto, I need to go to the bathroom.
Seto: I'M NOT GOING TO LOSE YOU TOO!!!111!11!

Mokuba hugged me back, crying into my shoulder while I cried into the top of his head. "I miss him Mokie." He nodded. "I want them back... I want him back. I want this to be a movie, so that I can end my performance and Yugi will get up. So will Jounouchi..."

Here's PetPetAngel, clearly keeping the tradition of awkwardly-translated Japanese-to-English alive and well. Good for her.

Did you go to church and hold hands with some strangers?
Stand in line and give your own blood?
Did you just stay home, and cling to your family;
Thank God you've got someone to love.

Or did you go to bed smiling at the idea of becoming fabulously wealthy through the suffering of an entire nation, crapping hundred dollar bills all over the graves of men and women who died so that you might become a rich asshole living in a mansion built on ground consecrated by the tears shed by the United States of America?

"I want life to be simple again. I want him to be simple. I want this to end. I don't want to cry tears... I rather cry blood.

That's...an odd desire to have; I'd think that crying blood would be significantly worse than plain ol' tears.

I want to feel nothing. Feel nothing ever again. So that this can be a dream. Only a dream. A simple nightmare. Nothing more. A nightmare. Like the kinds really little kids get..."

I'm just a singer of simple songs;
I'm not a real political man.
I watch CNN but I'm not sure I can tell you the difference,
In Iraq and Iran.
But I know Jesus and I talk to god;
And I remember this from when I was young.
Faith, hope, and love are some good things He gave us;
And the greatest is love...

What's funny is that, however sick to my stomach this song and the conniving nature that drives it might make me, that refrain actually makes my anger boil over. Ignorant inbred son of a bitch, can't bother picking up a map and saying "HURR DURR THAYZ TOO CUNT-TREES HAS DIF'RINT LETTURZ AT THE ENDS OF THAR NAMEZ DAGGUMMIT."

You know what, the rest of this story is just that stupid refrain, and I am sick and tired of it. Let's just skip to the author's note so that I can purge all this hate and venom from my system. Hopefully, I'll see something that doesn't offend my soul quite so substantially.

XXXX Owari XXXX

Goddammit, more weaboo split personality bullshit! This is JUST what I needed.

PetPetAngel: So how was it? That's one of the best things I've written.

Oh, don't be so hard on the rest of your stories.

I just hope hasn't screwed it up...

Yugi: You killed me! (SOB)

Good!

PetPetAngel: I'm sorry!

Yami: (is close to tears) R&R Try to avoid flames, I think she worked really hard on this.

And that makes her immune to any and all criticism!

By the way, this is a One-Shot.(breaks down)

Dammit, and I was really hoping for a second chapter where Yami and Seto drunkenly fuck in an effort to get over their dead lovers, which would expand into a multi-part character drama where male characters pair off like ballroom dancers and all the women in the story are marginalized to the point of extinction.

Ja Ne!

Fucking moonspeak.

*******

If you're not buying Alan Jackson's albums right now, then you have no fucking soul.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Apr 5 2011, 02:02 PM

[Flowers Must Die]

Did you open your eyes and hope it never happened;
And close your eyes and not go to sleep?
Did you notice the sunset for the first time in ages;
Or speak to some stranger on the street?
Did you lay down at night and think of tomorrow;
Go out and buy you a gun?
Did you turn off that violent home movie your watching;
And turn on "I Love Lucy" reruns?


Also, "violent home movies?" I don't know what kind of home movies Alan Jackson makes, but mine tend to involve babies slobbering all over themselves, not stuffing screaming blonde women into refrigerators.

For the record, the lyric is "violent old movie". So the incoherency isn't so much Alan Jackson being an idiotic douche (although that certainly doesn't help matters), as it is the author not being able to even correctly C-P the lyrics to the goddamn song that her story is based off of.

Also I gave up on Yu-gi-oh! after that bullshit with Noah, and the rather dull ending to the Battle City arc, so I may have missed a colossal plot twist in Season 500, but when the hell did Seto Kaiba go from "Rich douche" to "EVERYBODY'S RICH BUDDY"? I get the romance with Yugi- it's the whole "They hate eachother, so they must be in love!" song that fangirls constantly sing in every popular franchise. It's nonsense, but I can comprehend it. Now, can somebody explain when exactly Kaiba became close, in any way, to Yami, Joey, or Captain Friendship? Seriously, it's almost like it's a cheap plot device in order to fit as many characters as possible into the story.

And when the hell did the spirits of the Millennium items become separate entities? I believe that DID happen with Yami at the end (correct me if I'm wrong), but when did Evil Bakura OR Evil Marik get their own bodies? And a lot of authors on the site pull that same crap too. I know that it's easier that way, but that's just raping canon out of convenience.

Oh, and fantastic mock, Al. I honestly didn't believe that you could get me to laugh hard when the fanfic you're riffing is entirely designed to prey on the sadness of a terrorist attack, but you did it. Just incredible work.

[Kuramastrass]

This makes me ashamed to have that single song by Alan Jackson in my iTunes...

(And before anyone asks, no, not this one. It's a cover of Margaritaville. Featuring Jimmy Buffett.)

[P Dot Alex]

Kingdom Hearts with Nazis.
YGO with 9/11.
Lemme guess, the next big thing is gonna be Naruto with Communist Russia.

[Maniak]

Kingdom Hearts with Nazis.
YGO with 9/11.
Lemme guess, the next big thing is gonna be Naruto with Communist Russia.

Nah, it will probably be Vietnam War with the cast of Pokemon.

As for you Al, I hope I am allowed to say something in regard of the sentence at the beginning:

Something written by a self-absorbed pre-teen, trapped in a delusion of being profound, reading deeply into fictional characters' souls and determining a reaction that they would have when placed in circumstances that would never, ever occur on the show that they hail from.

Something like that already makes my day as you are right. I admit that I am one of those people, thinking it is not a crime to write something in which the characters are pulled in a situation that wouldn`t happen particularly in the show. A good writer may not create a master piece by it, but at least perhaps something that is considered funny/entertaining even if it is stupid. Still I think that you have missed the point of what you watch completely, if e.g. you start to write a story in which someone dies of AIDS or so while the source material is something on the same level of style as Power Rangers.

If you want to go "deeper" in the mind set of a certain character, you can. As long as you don`t destroy his fucking core personality. A oneshot about Kaiba turning from an innocent child into the jerkass he was in the show is nothing I am going to mock someone for. A story in which he is portrayed as a pussy/overly protective seme towards his uke just because you are obsessed with what may "look" cute? If your only intention to write a story is to create something that looks cute, take a picture of a kitten and put it on lolcats. It has the same result.

Also, it is just ridiculous sometimes. Could you write a fanfiction in which we read what goes through the mind of Lelouche during some specific event in Code Geass without making it look OOC? I guess, seeing how the show itself gave us enough insight into the character to come up with more plausible interpretations of his thoughts.
But towards Yugioh? This thing was a fuckings kid`s show. They may have given here and there hints of "personality traits" (cliched acting, depending on the situation, like Joey being a bad mouthed jerk who still cared for his friends but was in general impulsive and kinda stupid) but not enough to write a fucking psychological essay.

As for the mock... I am thankful I never heard this song. The only thing I got to hear was this Enya shit. As for that one... exploiting a national tragedy to make money by more or less making people feel guilty that they were lucky enough not to die on 9/11. Classy. Thank good you made fun of this thing as well as those thinking they can take it serious.
By the way, am I the only one who thinks that the author is right from the start a fucking hypocrite? Not because she exploits 9/11 for her yaoi drama, but already in the beginning. She says this fanfiction is dedicated towards the victims of 9/11 and that it is serious, but then she lets Yami and Yugi show up, shouting at her that she should go on and therefore making this thing turn ridiculous. Wow. I can see how this story was serious business.

[YTB]

Nah, it will probably be Vietnam War with the cast of Pokemon.

I CALL IT!!!!!!!!111!!11!!!!1!!!!!!one!!!1!11!!

Seriously, though, these people have to fucking stop.

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Or the civil war with digimon...I'm actually surprised no one has decided to make that into an abortion of writing yet

[Maniak]

Or the civil war with digimon...I'm actually surprised no one has decided to make that into an abortion of writing yet

well... someone mokcked a fanfiction here that involved the digidestined trying to travel to Palestina only for one of them to duie by the hands of the "dirty israelics" as it is said. Its one of this racist bullshit stories.

edit: as for civil war with digimon... you will hate me for that but the idea of a civil war occuring in the Digiworld -some Digimon don`t want to work on an alliance wit the humans seeing how the digimon emperor was one of them while others want it- would be kinda interesting. you could make at least an adventure story out of the basic premise with digidestineds trying to stop the conflict on both sides. the idea is not about the historical event that occured in the USA.

This post has been edited by Maniak: Nov 28 2010, 02:38 PM

[Protto]

well... someone mokcked a fanfiction here that involved the digidestined trying to travel to Palestina only for one of them to duie by the hands of the "dirty israelics" as it is said. Its one of this racist bullshit stories.

It was by Two-One-Five, God rest his soul.

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Wow I never knew something like really existed

I think the idea of digimon cicil war is pretty cool. But yeah if they just make it american civil war, digimon edition than thats a steaming pile right there

[Maniak]

I think the idea of digimon cicil war is pretty cool. But yeah if they just make it american civil war, digimon edition than thats a steaming pile right there

Well, I am glad the idea is interesting enough. As for Civil war... as said ore than once, writing fanfiction about historical events itself is kinda hard to make and most times you will fail.

Just to give an example of an old "friend"; Dakari King Mykan wrote a story about the American War of Independece. To exlain a bit: The story itself was writen in the context of Liberty Kids, a canadian animated show of 2002/03 about three kids during and after the war, working as witnesses for the audience. I watched two or three episodes after finding the story and can say the following: The show tried to be as historical correct as possible, portraying the war also in certain ways from the british point of view to humanize both sides. Mykan wrote a fanfiction in which his self insert turns into masked Rider and helps the American revolutinists by leading an attack against Great Britain and killing George III in Power Rangers style.

[YTB]

Mykan wrote a fanfiction in which his self insert turns into masked Rider and helps the American revolutinists by leading an attack against Great Britain and killing George III in Power Rangers style.

If it wasn't Mykan, that actually could have been sort of awesome. Seriously, fuck George III.

[Waffleman]

You know.....At least this is approaching the subject with SOME kind of gravity. At least someone is experiencing loss. At least it's not the fucking Holocaust.

Fucking Mika-Chan.

[DraculaMarth]

I think the reason people pull this "Let's make a fanfic that takes place during a tragedy" bullshit is because they want to seem like they're smart. Anyone can make a fanfic, but when you associate it with things like this, they think it's more emotional rather than what it really is: retarded

Come to think of it, that's the same thing Alan Jackson does...

[xoxjoanxox]

I-I don't even know what to say...

I prefer LittleKuriboh's retelling of this fic.

[YTB]

retelling of this fic.

Funny, but what does it have to do with this?