The Daughter of Red Haired Shanks (One Piece), Capt. Obvious and his crew of Mary Sues Options

[xoxjoanxox]

Because someone has to put these stupid Mary Sues in their place.

Dividing this story into thirds since the first chapter is too long.

I don't One Piece, I only own my character

Thank God for that.

Enjoy!

Hahaha, no.

One Piece

... That is seriously what this person put as an opening title. Can you imagine how creative and imaginative this story will be?

"Luffy, out of all the places we could have slept, why here?" I asked Luffy in the barrel next to me. We were both in barrels floating in the ocean.

What an amazing way to start, tossing us right into this story like a baby into a pit of fire.

Read: You suck at writing, thank God that you've only unleashed one horror unto this world.

"I don't know Yuki, it just looked comfy in here" Luffy answered.

Yuki = the Mary Sue you never bothered to introduce, as if you expected everyone to automatically know who that was, you arrogant prick

"WE'RE IN BARRLES YOU MORON" I yelled back.

Barrles are quite comfy, I'll have you know. They're like hotel rooms, but without the hotel... or the room.

And who the hell are you to insult the main protagonist of a quite popular and well-liked manga series, you miserable excuse for a self-insert.

A few hours past and I could here seagulls squawking, as I listened to them I began to drift she -- What the, did you just shift from first person to third person?! -- felt something catch the barrel I was in and lift me up.

"Ugh, man this one is heavier then that other one" a voice was heard as he lifted her up (again, your inconsistency with POVs! And what the hell, did Luffy disappear or something? Don't you mean lifted 'them' up?! This angers and infuriates me!).

'I'm not that heavy! I'm only 400 pounds, those weaklings!' I thought angrily with an anime angry mark on her head.

What the ... This author is hitting another pet peeve, using the phrase "anime (insert action often seen in animes)." YOU DON'T DO THAT, OK?!!

"SHIP OFF THE STARBERD BOW AND THERE FLYING A PIRATE FLAG" some yelled.

"WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY JUST SAY?" others screamed.

"I DON'T KNOW EITHER!" some replied.

The person dropped me and ran off. "OW" I yelled, but no one heard.

What the... seriously, where's Luffy?! Again, people are disappearing!

Then firing sound came from the east. As the blasts came the ship began to tip and the barrel that I was in started to roll. The barrel rolled down a flank of stair. "ow, oo, eh, ouch, agh" I chanted as the barrel rolled down the stairs. May the Devil come to my aid and devour the souls of those that dared to call me heavy. It's only shame that the words I'm uttering are complete nonsense.

As the barrel continued to roll, it banged into a door and began to spin, and stopped.

"Agh" I moaned. "Hello?" a younger voice heard. 'ah man' I thought. "I really hope there's no one in here… [sigh] <- WHAT IS THIS? *destroys with ancient Egyptian laser beams*

That's a relief" he said.

You're not even worth my editing.

Got to get off now, but I will continue to flame/mock this ... thing. It almosts makes me miss 'Pikachu's New Love.'

This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Sep 25 2010, 04:31 AM

[xoxjoanxox]

Continuing with mocking this train wreck of a fanfiction.

"NO KIDDING CAPTAIN OVIOUS "I yelled at him in anger.

Oh hell no, the Sue is jacking my job too!

Lightning started dancing around my arms

Luffy was about to hit him again when Coby held him back.

"Luffy no, you can't hit him"

Pfft, like you can stop Luffy. Just... stop trying Coby. It'll make this fic shorter.

You know what? I'mma start crossing out any lines Coby has that have the words 'don't' or something with a similiar meaning in it.

"This guy is scum" Luffy said glaring at Helmeppo

I glared at Helmeppo with lightning whips trailing down my arms.

"YUKI, NO DON'T" I heard Coby yell.

"You two actually hit me, I'm Captain Morgan's son you know" He yelled

"Yeah, like we care" Luffy said back glaring at him.

"YOU'LL CARE AFTER HE EXACUTES YOU FOR THIS"

Exacute (v): To pamper and dote upon
Language: Fanbrat

I finally snapped. "SHUT UP" I lifted my hand snapped my lightning whip at him above his head making him run away.

I stepped forward. "WHY DON'T YOU JUST BE A MAN AND FIGHT"

"Yuki, just ease off some you're making Luffy anxious, and why are you trying to get on the marines bad side" Coby said to me losing his grip on Luffy.

Coby. THEY'RE FUCKING PIRATES! No matter what they do, the Marines will hate them.

"I've made up my mind Yuki" Luffy said to me. I turned to stare at him.

"Today, Zoro joins our crew and will pay for the child support he owes me!"

Before I knew it I and Luffy were running towards the marine base. The sky was clear again since I calmed down some.

"Yuki I want you to take out every marine that comes to that courtyard while I try to untie Zoro, you're a better fighter than I am so… can you do that for me" Luffy said looking at me over his shoulder.

(&#()&%^()&(^)&%IKKhkeltyo90*3- PLEASE TELL ME THAT BITCH DID NOT JUST MAKE LUFFY SAY THAT HER SELF-INSERT IS STRONGER THAN HER!!!!!!!

"Aye, aye, Captain" I nodded

We were almost at the wall, Luffy and I jumped over it.

We landed and we walked over to Zoro I pulled my Lances out ready for battle.

So... she has two lances and three swords? Dude, that's overkill. Where she gonna keep em? Hammer space?

Zoro looked up with wide eyes as if he had a bad dream, but relaxed after a second and stared at me and Luffy. Then he realized he had woken up from a bad dream into a nightmare.

"You guys again, don't you have somethings to do" Zoro asked

Besides being OOC and a complete Sue?

"I'll untie you but only if you promise to join our crew" Luffy said.

"Your what"

"We run a pirate crew and we're looking for people to join up"

"No way, I'd never stooped up to joining criminals, screw that business"

Business-- What the hell?! Being a pirate isn't like being a banker, TeamHalo! It's a freaking lifestyle, get it right!

"What wrong with being a pirate"

"They're despicable, like I would ever join up in one"

"Come on give me a break, everyone already knows you as some viscous bounty hunter always out for blood"

Everytime this fanbrat misspells something, an urge to kill rises within me.

"People can say whatever they want about me"

"Oh yeah, hey Yuki" I turned my head. "What do you see in Zoro"

I looked at Zoro and he did the same. "She probably sees me as her enemy" Zoro said coldly looking away.

I walked over to him, I gently put my hand on his cheek and pulled his head to face me once more.

"I see a man with a dream, Captain" I with loving smile letting go of his face and blushed a little.

"I see a potential rape victim," I said with a gentle and loving face.

Zoro looked at me in shock for a moment

It basically looked like this:


and then smirked.

"Like I said people can say whatever they want about me, but I've never done a single thing in my life that I regret. I will make it through this challenge, and after that I'll accomplish what I want"

Luffy looked from me to Zoro.

"Yeah, that's great, but I've already decided that your gonna be on our crew"

"WHAT YOU CAN'T DO THAT" Zoro yelled at him.

Yes he can, because he's Luffy Motherfucking Monkey!

...

You can't ignore his girth.

"To late" I said while watching them.

"I hear you're one of the best swordsman around a side from Yuki"

*eye twitch* If they praise Yuki once more time...

"Well, I am, but idiot Captain's son took mine away"

"I guess I'll just have to go and get it back for you. Yuki…" Luffy looked at me. I was smirking because I was free to kill if I have to.

And I bet when she kills, the author will take extreme measures to describe how beautiful yet dangerous she looked in the heat of battle, and the crimson red blood complimented her eyes. *barf*

"Yeah I know"

"What" Zoro said to Luffy.

"So if you want your sword then you're just gonna have to join our crew" Luffy said smiling.

"NOW YOU'RE REALLY PISSING ME OFF" Zoro yelled at him TeamHalo.

Get in line Zoro.

Luffy started laughing while running. "Be careful, Yuki" he yelled not looking back.

"Uh, Luffy" I yelled. He stopped and looked at me.

"The base is in the other direction" I pointed to the direction while plunging my lances into the ground beside Zoro and sat against them. Zoro sighed. When was he going to get his fucking paycheck so he could leave this shitty excuse for a fanfiction?

"GUM-GUM ROCKET" Luffy stretched past us and Zoro stared at him in shock.

"Wh-what the heck is this guy" he asked me still staring after Luffy

I smiled widely. "He's a rubber man"

He stared at me like he was in a daze, and I blushed under his stare.

'what's wrong with me today, why do feel this way when I'm around him, I mean sure he's really cute (gasp) did I just think that, no I can't think like that right now, beside even if I did like him that way I don't think he'll like me back' I thought trying to keep a straight face.

Not going to waste my time reading word vomit.

we sat in silence for a few seconds.

"So is he always like that" Zoro asked.

"You mean clueless, carefree and selfless"

"I meant out of character, but ok." He nodded.

"Yep, we have an idiot for a captain"

"Ok, so let me ask ya something"

"Go ahead"

"how did you join his crew"

I looked at with a smile. Oh goody, a chance to flaunt off my twagic past and the fact that Shanks is my father in this world that is most definetely NOT One Piece.

-Sigh- I'll go get the desks for you all to smash your heads against. Perhaps severe brain damage will make this story seem better.

This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Oct 17 2010, 06:12 PM