Squad Broken, The worst Warhammer 40k-fic ever Options

[Max-Vader]

As you might know, I love Warhammer 40k. But apparently there seems to be some malevolent force out there that want's to ruin everyones favorite grimdark shitpit. You probably already know this mental diarrhea known as "Shinji's Nightmare Cataclysm". However, there is one story by an Yaoi-obsessed fangirl called "gentle mango" that is so goddamn horrible that it has become a meme in the 40k-fandom. It manages to rape a Space Marine, the canon and the readers all at once. And I am going to mock it.


As soon as he heard one of his comrades scream "SQUAD BROKEN!", Eduardo the Space Marine knew that he was doomed.

What the fuck kind of name is "Eduardo"? Is he a fucking Pretty Marine or what?

He charged forth in a panic, firing his plasma gun wildly into the air. Somehow the orks had surrounded them!

How did that happen? Let me guess, your leader is Indrick Boreale.

Eduardo's teammates ran shrieking into the depths of the abandoned tanker, the grunting lustful orks in swift pursuit. Soon Eduardo was alone. The brawny Space Marine collapsed against a wall, panting raggedly.

Pussy. what does this bitch think Space Marines are, choirboys?

His plasma gun had nearly overheated, and his com units were malfunctioning. No use even if they worked. By now, his whole squad was surely dead.

Cry me a river.

Lost in his thoughts, Eduardo did not hear the ork creeping up on him.

The genetically superior human can't hear an ORK behind him? This guy is deaf or something.

Stunned by a blow to the head, Eduardo was thrown violently to the floor. The ork grunted in amusement, bending down and straddling his body. Dazed, Eduardo turned his head to look up at his enemy. The ork fellow was huge, well muscled and even attractive for his species.

HOMIE SAY WHAT?!

Right now the ork's vibrant green skin was flushing dark in arousal. Eduardo whimpered as he realized what was about to happen.

Oh... no. NO NO NO NO NO, Do not go there, bitch.

Summoning up his powers as a Blood Angel, Eduardo bellowed in the Black Rage and began to flail about under the ork.

Canon fail. Blood Angels do not enter the Black Rage because they want to.

The ork simply grunting, riding the panicked Space Marine like a rodeo bull. Already weakened, Eduardo simply did not have the strength to dislodge the much heavier ork.

You suck, Eduardo.

All that thrashing around served to arouse the ork further. His name was Gurk, and the friction as the puny Marine flopped around between his muscular thighs was giving him quite a respectable hard-on.



Okay, newsflash guys: Orks do not have that kind of equipment. They reproduce through spores.

Gurk had meant to save the Marine for his own squad, but he couldn't wait any longer. Whipping out his own plasma gun, Gurk seared off the back of the Marine's armor, leaving his shining buttocks bare to the ork's lustful gaze.

I didn't know plasma guns could also be used as can openers...

Eduardo moaned in fear, his virgin asscheeks clapping firmly together to deny the ork entrance. Gurk simply laughed, ripping off his crude orkish loincloth to reveal a thick green meat pole, nearly 12 inches long.

Somewhere, Mewtwo was getting an erection.

The ork stuck one calloused finger down his throat, bringing up a thick vomit slurry which spattered down into the crack of Eduardo's ass. Smearing the foul vomit around with one brutish paw, Gurk prepared the Space Marine's tender anus for playtime.

If this is playtime, then I don't want to know what SERIOUS BUSINESS-time looks like.

Much to Gurk's frustration, his cock was simply too large to fit inside Eduardo's tight man cunt.

This instantly gets a spot on my list of words that nobody should use, ever.

He grunted furiously, screaming "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" in his deep orkish voice as he battered his fuckmeat against Eduardo's tightly sealed pleasure ring.

I think she is making up the euphemisms as she goes along.

Suddenly the Space Marine's portal gave way,

Let me guess, the Ork used the portal gun?

and the swollen head of Gurk's cock popped through into the forbidden halls of his anus. Gurk's pleased snort was drowned out by Eduardo's scream of agony.

This is nothing compared to the screams the average reader will articulate.

The ork began to pump away in earnest, his bulging muscular hips and thighs slamming brutally against Eduardo's ass. His heavy, furry balls

CURSE YOU, FURRIES!

slapped against the human's ass merrily, creating a calypso that pleased Gurk mightily. Blood, a thin smear of feces, and Gurk's own oily yellow pre-cum lubricated Eduardo's asshole until it was as hot and slippery as Gurk's own mother's cunt.



Poor Eduardo was swiftly going into shock from the pain. His mind growing dim, he screamed "SQUAD BROKEN! SQUAD BROKEN!" over and over as the ork thrust brutally into his bruised insides. The ork's massive cock had caused a large degree of internal damage,

Just like reading this might cause massive brain damage...

and Eduardo was close to passing out from blood loss and fear.

And buttrape.

If his squad didn't find him soon, Eduardo knew that he would soon die. His poor plasma gun discharged into the floor one final time, overheating from a mix of pleasure and agonizing pain.

It is of course always slightly pleasurable, right bitch?

The Space Marine had been a good fuck for Gurk, but he needed something special to truly finish.

I hope it doesnt involve more Dakka.

Gurk's heavy balls drew up close to his body, and he felt himself tensing, about to cum. As Gurk's thick semen roiled up out of his cock and into Eduardo's battered body, the ork slammed his powerful hands shut around the Marine's neck. With a vicious jerk up and back, the ork crushed the Marine's windpipe and vertebrae, swiftly ending his life.

Good job coplying those out of the dictionary.

Eduardo's anus clamped shut around Gurk's cock, the painful tightness almost causing the ork to pass out.

Fun fact: After death, your bowels actually become loose.

Gurk roared out as he climaxed in the dead Marine, his beautiful green cock pumping load after load of thick ork jizzum into Eduardo's lower intestine.

"Jizzum" is not, and will never be an Ork word.

The ork pulled out as Eduardo's anus slowly relaxed, releasing Gurk's cock with a wet sucking sound.

This will be the soundtrack to my nightmares.

Gurk used the sleeve of the Marine's uniform to wipe the thick scum of blood, shit and cum from his swiftly withering ork meat. With a satisfied grunt, Gurk walked slowly away from the Marine.

It's all about sex to you, isn't it Gurk? Didn't even bother to buy some roses and chocolate. Cunt.

Eduardo's corpse lay cooling on the floor of the tanker, the charred remnants of his uniform stained dark with the foul fluids of both the ork and himself.

Squad broken.

And we have a title, ladies and gentlemen!

Oh, but that wasn't all! You won't get off this easily! There are two more chapters! Stay tuned!

[Waffleman]

HOW IS THERE MORE?!

[Badass Overlord]

[SirMax]

I can't decide whether this is better or worse than everyone going hugely out of character for happy sugary love romance...

What on earth am I saying, of course it's worse. At least with the fluff ones I can pretend the names are different.

This post has been edited by SirMax: Sep 11 2010, 07:58 PM

[Soren Highwind]

DEAR GOD, WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE AUTHOR?! HOW THE HELL IS THERE TWO MORE CHAPTERS?!

[Max-Vader]

And here is the second chapter. Abandon all hope.

Ever since meeting the handsome space marine, Gurk had been feeling decidedly un-Orkish.

Nothing that blunt force-trauma to the head can't fix.

He often found himself writing poetry and weeping black salty tears.

And yet, it was still better than Eragon's poetry.

Much to the dismay of his fellow Ork fellows, Gurk even began to wear mascara.

Oh, so that's how the Insane Clown Posse started!

A lesser Ork would have been torn to pieces for showing such weakness, but

Your character is the super-special-awesome Ork-Mary Sue, right?

Gurk's extraordinary horniness and sorrow lent him the strength of a dozen Orks. Still he sulked, thinking regretfully of his too-brief encounter with Eduardo.

For us, it was way too long.

Gurk had never known the meaning of regret, but the fact that he had killed his lover tore at his oozing black heart.

Um, Orks aren't willingly evil. They are too naive for that.

It was only now, some time after the act, that Gurk realized his only chance at happiness had died along with Eduardo.

FUCKING ORKS, HOW DO THEY WORK?

Orks weren't supposed to be capable of love, but emotion had finally begun to flower in the garden of Gurk's withered breast.

Well, if you can spontaneously grow a penis, then everything is possible I guess.

And it had all begun with the sight of a young man's pale buttocks, gleaming coldly in the starlight....

Jeez, it's so damn poetic it makes me want to kill something.

Gurk wept himself to sleep every night.

Just like the author should do for writing this piece of shit.

Anyway, the worst is yet to come!

[Waffleman]

What? Was that it?

[Soren Highwind]

He often found himself writing poetry and weeping black salty tears.

You think it's better than Vogon poetry?

This post has been edited by Soren Highwind: Sep 12 2010, 10:08 PM

[Max-Vader]

You think it's better than Vogon poetry?

Orks are as much poets as Humans are water-breathers, so... probably not.

And here is the last chapter. Slaanesh help us.

For weeks now, the foul magic of the Necrons had clouded his mind. When they reanimated him with their life-giving skelecum,

Life-giving? There is a reason they call it necrodermis, y'know...

he couldn't even remember his name. He had vague memories of fighting and dying, but he had no idea of who he had been in that other life. The newly-risen Necron didn't even know what he had looked like.

Okay, maybe the canon-rape won't be so bad after all.

The awakening of the young Necron had unexpected consequences. Unfortunately for the Necron Lords, their experiment was doomed to failure.

Goddamnit.

The nameless one had been risen too quickly. As the Necron magics brought his soul back to his body, they also quickly undid the damage, leaving him perfect.

WHAT!? That is impossible! Disregarding the fact that humans can't become Necrons (except LIVING Pariahs), how in the fuck is metal supposed to turn into flesh and bones? We are talking about technology here, not magic!

He was no shambling skeleton, but a fully-fleshed human being. To all appearances, the fellow was human. Black magics had given him a second life without turning him into a mindless zombie soldier.

I hate to recycle the same joke, but... FUCKING NECRONS, HOW DO THEY WORK?

It wasn't long before the traces of undead magic vanished even from Eduardo's mind.

Hey, I call bullshit! Again!

He was on a nameless planet, hunting Orks through the wilderness and dispatching them. The Necrons had destroyed the main Ork force here and the green-skinned survivors were left to fumble their way through the woods.

Maybe Snikrot could help.

Escape was futile.

"We are the Borg, uh, I mean Necrons!"

Eduardo knew this. He and his Necron masters would destroy the last of the Orks and claim this planet in the name of Death.

Actually in the name of the C'tan, but that's pretty much the same thing anyway.

When the burly Ork fellow Eduardo had been hunting burst from the trees, the scales began to fall away from Eduardo's eyes and heart. Literally.

HOMIE SAY WHAT?!

The silvery flakes of Necrodermis which had fouled his humanity rotted and flaked away from him. His heart began to pump with the sweet-sour juices of love. Love is stronger than death, so they say. Eduardo's love was.

Oh come on, what kind of saturday-morning-cartoon bullshit is this?! Warhammer is fucking GRIMDARK, you bitch!

(Although Abaddon is admittedly like a saturday-morning-cartoon villain.)

The Ork, for it was indeed Eduardo's swarthy lover, fell to his knees with a howl of anguish. Surely Eduardo must be a ghost! As Gurk babbled his apologies and wept for Eduardo's forgiveness,

I am even more convinced now that this is not an Ork. Orks don't know love. Orks don't know fear. Orks don't know anything.

the Space Marine fellow knelt and embraced Gurk in his strong magical arms. The two fellows clung together in a massive pile of man-brawn and sweet tears. Their relationship had been forged out of violence, but the love that blossomed in their hearts was true.

Love can bloom, huh?

As the Ork and human held each other, the heat of their bodies merged and began to intensify. Eduardo and Gurk felt strange stirrings at their groins, and grinned at each other lustily.



Eduardo shoved Gurk back onto the ground, ripping at the Ork's loincloth with his supernaturally strong fingers. "I forgive you for killing me, Gurk," he breathed, "But this time I get to be on top!"



And that was it, the ending that will give you even more horrid mental images and leave you wide-awake nightmares for months to come.

...Well, I'm kind of at a loss as to what you should do to escape this unending agony caused by shitty fanfics. I suppose the only logical thing for you is to turn to Chaos.

Until next time, and remember: Chaos rules!

[Sniper_Queen]

Wow, this really burned. I mean, I've never seen or played Warhammer 40K but even i know that Orks reproduce via spores and not... meat poles

[Max-Vader]

Wow, this really burned. I mean, I've never seen or played Warhammer 40K but even i know that Orks reproduce via spores and not... meat poles 

And even if you didn't know that, asexual reproduction would be the only thing that makes sense. Or has anyone ever seen a female Ork?

[Waffleman]

Seriously, is this it? There's like, nothing to it after the first chapter. In fact, the last two chapters are completely unnecessary. I mean, the story would have been just.....fine?....with the first chapter alone. Then in the second chapter, it just became a self-parody.

[Max-Vader]

Then in the second chapter, it just became a self-parody.

Except nobody's laughing, yeah. Oh, and after recieving way too nice criticism, there was this little incident which I will quote from TV Tropes:

Mangogirl tried to defend it on fanfiction.net's forums by saying something to the effect of "Orks are asexual huh? Those sexy loin clothes have to be covering some sort of swarthy manmeat!"
(Anyone who has seen official 40k art knows that Orks don't wear loincloths. They are usually attired in armour, shirts, pants etc...)
Someone replied, "Probably just their waste-explusion organs. There are no sexual organs to cover, since orks reproduce by sporing, the only logical thing would, in fact, be some form of waste-organ, probably simular to a human organs, in a vague way" which brought about her response of, "OH. Okay. Thanks.Can an ork then in fact recieve pleasure from pooping and peeing in a lone Eldar's mouth? This is so arousing."

So yeah. Either a really good Troll or batshit fucking insane, either way I want to shove a rusty gunblade up her ass for writing this shitfest.

[Soren Highwind]

No...just no.

[Protto]

Despite the initial briefing you gave on the story, I somehow still didn't put two and two together regarding the author until I saw you use that quote. Oh, Mangogirl...



This post has been edited by Protto: Sep 22 2010, 05:19 PM

[Max-Vader]

Hey, guess what? I thought it was over, but no, bitch had actually written more! And it's by far the longest chapter yet!



When he heard another squadmate screaming over the comm in rage and pain, Gurk knew things must be going terribly wrong.

Since when do Orks have headsets?

That was the fourth such transmission he'd received, and he even his Ork brain could comprehend that most likely at least half his squad was dead. It was no matter, even one Ork was more than a match for the average squad of space marines,

AHAHAHAHA- yeah, right.

and his 12 inch Ork cock was throbbing with an unusual lust for virgin mancunt.

Every new euphemism that Mangogirl comes up with makes me want to crush her even more.

No need to take chances though, Gurk thought, and decided to get a grip on the situation.

That is not another euphemism for penis, is it?

In his deep guttural voice, he cracked his comm. unit to life "All Orks report in!" Gurk only heard silence greet him in return over the comms.

Who does he think he is, Solid Snake?

Something was definitely wrong. He quickened his pace, picking up in a slow trot with his long, thick Ork legs, heading back for the dropship. Whatever was going on, he knew it couldnFt be good and just wanted to get out of there now.

A cowardly Ork... next we'll probably see a Tau that is not a weaboo.

There would be other marines and other anuses to violate, and Gurk had a strong sense of self-preservation.

Stop mucking about and get back to da killin', ya git!

Almost back to the dropship, Gurk suddenly found himself flying through the air head first as he entered one of the large cargo rooms from a side tunnel. He landed hard with a crash near the center of the room, and before he could even move, heard the telltale sound of pulse rifles charging up.

Oh good, that hopefully means he will be dead soon.

He raised his head to look around, and only had a chance to see the butt of one of those rifles impact his head so hard everything went black.

Why didn't they just shoot him?

He didn't know how much later it was when he woke up, but he felt green blood trickling down his face and dripping off his fangs. Trying to wipe the blood away only brought realization that this hands and feet were bound,

Please oh please, let it just be Dark Eldar.

and he was wearing a control belt. Now free to look around, he saw no less than 12 Space Marines surrounding him, all of them disrobed from the waist down with raging hard ons that made Gurk's own Ork cock flush with excitement,



even considering his current situation. "All right boys! Have at 'em!" one of the Marines shouted, and Gurk found himself with his face on the cold metal floor and his ass in the air.

"...move around like you don't care..."

He heard the pulse of a plasma rifle discharge, and felt the searing of his flesh as they melted the armor protecting his ass. He didn't shout or make any noise, even though there was pleasure mixed with the pain for Gurk.

Could we please stop it with the "pleasure mixed with pain"-cliche?

One by one, the Space Marines violated Gurk's anus, some blowing their hot loads inside of him, some on his face after or before punching him, some shooting them on his back,and all the while Gurk enjoyed the fuck of a lifetime, even if they did have small cocks.

I wonder what this bitches definition of a "small cock" is. Does she regulary shove bottles up her twat?

After all the Marines had taken their turn, Gurk's face was covered in a film of white cum and a mixture of semen and shit dribbled from his anus, as he laid there on the floor.

She really wants to make sure that her readers won't be able to get an erection ever again after reading this, doesn't she?

Behind him, he heard the distinct sound of metal on metal, like a tclink, clink, clinkv but he couldn't turn to see what it was as it approached.

This better not be what I think it is.

Closer the clinking came, until it seemed right on top of him. As a new figure stepped in front of him with each leg making a clinking sound as it struck the metal floor, Gurk realized that the person now standing in front of him must have metal legs, although he looked like a normal Space Marine, but older.

What in the fuck...

"Hello Gurk", he said. "You probably don't remember me it's been so long, but 12 years ago you raped my virgin ass and left me for dead on a cargo ship just like this one.

What is it with this wierd obsession about virgin asses?

The damage was so extreme, much of my body couldn't be saved, but the doctors were able to give me a new body!

So he's a cyborg now? Lame.

Now I'll do to you what you did to me so long ago, and my revenge will be complete! I AM EDUARDO"

I am your father!

Gurk only vaguely recalled the encounter so long ago, one of many in a long list of ass rapes he had committed against the Marines, and almost all of which ended with a dead Marine.

Might have something to do with the massive internal bleeding...

As he struggled to recall the exact memory in his slow Ork brain, Eduardo was disrobing before him. He was amazed to see two metal legs, but what was more impressive was his cock, which was made completely of metal, and appeared to have a built in piston of some kind.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

"Ahh Gurk, I see you're admiring my equipment!

HAHAHAHA- shitty pun.

What you see here is a model 101 Cybercock, one of the first of it's kind. I had the doctors modify it though, and I can directly control the size and speed of the piston, see," and as he said that, the Cybercock seemed to grow in size to nearly twice as big as it had been and became fully erect, standing nearly 15 inches long.

Three inches more than the not-really-an-Ork has... this is going to be painful. For us.

Not wanting to waste any more time, Eduardo moved in behind Gurk, and with a thought discharged a hot oil lubricant from his Cybercock and thrust it brutally into Gurk. This time Gurk did scream, a guttural "GGGGGGGGGUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHH!" as the 15 inches of hot metal tore open his anus and green blood began to mix with hot oil lube and leftover manjuice.

Relief batter, man chowder, protein shake... I can keep going.

Eduardo turned up the piston speed with a thought to 800 RPM, and watched Gurk seem to vibrate as his Cybercock ravaged him. Gurk seemed to go limp, but Eduardo didn't care as he climaxed and extended the Cybercock another five inches further inside of Gurk, rupturing vital organs as his innards filled with hot cum.

So it's not actually a penis, it's a dildo that can ejaculate. The Furries will probably be all over this.

Eduardo pulled out and Gurk crumpled to the floor unmoving, most likely dead from the violation of the Cybercock.

Counselor Troi: "It was a violation."

It was then that Eduardo noticed a flashing light on the shoulder of Gurk's Ork armor, but it was too late as a stun grenade detonated a split second after he came to this realization, and he was unconscious.

Goddamn, there is a lot of fucking unconciousness in this fanfic, isn't there?

Eduardo woke up next to the rest of his squad of Space Marines, all bound hand and foot, and all naked. At least 8 Orks were in the room with them, and Eduardo knew what was coming.

And here we go again, only with the roles reversed.

The squad was lined up on the floor, face down and ass up, just like Gurk had been, and the Orks began ass raping them one at a time, running a rapetrain

More like paintrain... for the reader, that is.

on each one of them in turn, letting all the others see what was to come.

I would make an ejaculation-joke, but again, Orks don't have genitals.

Some of the marines just passed out or died outright before the Orks even got to them, knowing full well what was going to happen to them from Eduardo's account.

I can't get over how stupid that name is for a Space Marine.

The Orks didn't care, they raped them anyways, having a good time using their bodies like puppets while their friends raped their still warm man cunts.

If I want so see dead bodies get raped, I watch Hellsing.

Eduardo was one of the last, and even though he had a metal anus, the Orks didn't care and raped him anyway, and he still felt everything.

Logic, what's that?

He quickly went into a semi-conscious state as the Orks ravaged him, reliving in his mind the original encounter with Gurk, muttering over and over "squad broken, squad broken" as he continued to get pounded by the Orks, living longer than everyone else did because of his partially robotic body.

A lot good that did him. Man, what horrible trash. Not to mention, this was some of the gayest shit ever. So to cleanse our memories of this sausage-fest we need to see something not gay instead, which I will now supply. Until next time!



PS: Slaanesh rules

[Soren Highwind]

You know, this fic can be summed up with the following:



with a healthy dose of



, a smattering of



and finally,



Oh, and these:

[Max-Vader]

True that.

Hey, I didn't even notice before that your signature has a quote from me!

[Soren Highwind]

True that.

Hey, I didn't even notice before that your signature has a quote from me!

Eh, I thought it was funny and decided to add it.

[Max-Vader]

Eh, I thought it was funny and decided to add it.

Thanks. I've never been quoted before.