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> Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares
Post #41
DraculaMarth


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post Jul 30 2010, 04:25 PM
QUOTE (Meow Mix @ Jul 30 2010, 02:07 PM)
Fuck, Raven wouldn't listen to punk. She'd listen to industrial/metal/goth stuff. just from that one little bit, I firmly believe that the author does not listen to current music whatsoever.
*


Maybe it's because the only punk the author knows about is probably Green Day or some other angsty punk band.

Also, I know DBZ fanfiction is notably worse, but I meant by terms of Western Animation. I should have specified. Sorry.

Lastly, of course NTL got all the rave reviews. That shit was on FF.Net. Hell, If I was Your Nazi, Horrible Bloody Death of Kairi, 90% of Mykan's fanfics, and Mobile Suit Gundam Tournament all got rave reviews. The core userbase will love anything. Basically what shiroamasa said


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QUOTE (TigerOfThunder2013 @ Jul 14 2013, 10:09 PM) *
Go kill yourself DraculaMarth! No one wants you here. I was here to defend a story. Not deal with shitty people.

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Post #42
Al_Cone


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post Aug 1 2010, 01:09 AM
I don't know how she did it, I don't know why she did it, I don't know if she did it on purpose or if this is kismet at its finest, but our beloved author has actually managed to make every preceding chapter seem like sheer brilliance crapped out by perfection with this, the sixth chapter in Normal Teenage Life. And I think I'm getting burnt out about ten chapters earlier than is the norm for me. It's actually making me want to go back to SMLoZ. And for that, I will never forgive Normal Teenage Life.

***

Chapter 6: So What If Revenge Is Morally Wrong?

Original Japanese Title: Jill-ted Women!! Bumblebee's Vicious Revenge!

The next morning at breakfast, the girls explained the plan they had come up with.

The Great Washington Co-Ed Tampon Heist would go down in history as one of the most successful (if least hygienic) operations in boarding school history.

"Well I guess it makes sense." Garfield said.

"At least he gets it." Terra whispered to Bee.

"It does make sense, except for one little detail." Victor agreed.

"What?" Kori asked.

Vic reached into his breast pocket and drew a badge. "You won't be able to pull it off from the inside of a jail cell. FBI, bitches. You're all under arrest for conspiracy."

"WE DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THE GUY!"

"And that, is where you are wrong." Raven said.

"You're telling me that you know how to piss him off?"

"Well since we're telling you I think that we've figured it out already." Terra said.

"So what is it?"

"You're telling me that you can't tell that Jill was totally flirting with you?" Bee asked.

Bee, sweetheart, wait your turn. We need to get the cryptic foreshadowing out of the way, and then you can beat us over the head with your budding crush on Vic.

"She was?" Victor asked with a slight smile.

"And that Gizmo was totally jealous?"

"Really? Well that's nice to-Ooh! I get it!"

Kidnap Jill, cut off her thumbs and mail them to Gizmo. Threaten to send him a different body part every week unless he publicly confesses to stealing the playbook. While wearing a French maid's outfit.

"Took you long enough." Terra complained.

"Well I'm slow! Don't blame me!"

"You said it first!"

"So that's your plan?" asked The Man With No Name, peering at Revolver Ocelot from under the brim of his hat.

"Pretty much" Ocelot replied. "Hey, by the way, can I get your autograph after this is all over? I'm a big fan."

"I get it and I think it's cool! Yeah revenge!" Garfield cheered.

"Do you know when you're facing Washington again?" Raven asked.

"Yeah, we're playing them again on Friday."

"Perfect."

"Now we'll show that flirting abnormal preppy-" Bee started to rant.

WE GET IT. PREPS ARE BAD. WE'VE READ MY IMMORTAL.

"I thought it was Gizmo we were talking about?" Dick asked.

"Not only him. Now we'll tell you Part 2 of our lovely-"

"And evil, don't forget evil!" Terra said.

"Okay, fine. Now we'll tell you part 2 of our lovely, evil, manipulative little plan that's show those Washington preps!"

Burning the school down and festooning the charred corpses of the student body all over the burnt-out husk of the campus.

"God what is it with you and preps?" Garfired asked.

"Not my phrase. That's what Raven called them."

"Okay, Raven's what is it with you and preps?" Speedy asked.

"They're lying, aggravating, cheating, obnoxious, mental, mindless, fluff-headed, un-talented, idiotic, annoying, ridiculous, extreamly spoiled, boring, get-everything-they want, catty, mean, stupid, lazy, worthless, lousy, abnormal, pitiful, flirting, evil, infuriating, incompetant, frivilous, uncooperative, crazy, bratty, complaining, weak, bribing, prissy jerks who travel in herds."

Huh. Raven, it sounds to me like you've just described every upper-crusty son of a bitch who's ever attended a prep school. And, well, honey, not only do you and your gang of castrated superheroes fit your description to a tee, but you're a motherfucking hypocrite for holding yourselves and your own spoiled-rotten attitudes, your witless prattle, your self-centered bullshit and (most grievous of all) your pretentious, holier-than-thou attitudes above the very same crap that the rest of your peers mire themselves in. I'm not quite sure how you pulled it off, but every adjective that you just used to rail against the perceived "preps" of the world--truly the lowest that creation has to offer--can be applied directly to the forehead you and your shithead, do-nothing friends, who whine and complain for twenty-nine chapters about how difficult it is to attend a high-class educational institution and get fed a full breakfast buffet every morning at the inconvenient time of eight o'clock. I certainly hope that the irony of you acting so superior towards a nebulously-defined rung on the social-ladder over injustices that, in all likelihood, haven't even happened or (if they did indeed happen) were blown completely out of proportion by a short-tempered bitch with a Bella Swan complex, but nevertheless forever colored your perception of them as being intolerably superior and pretentious is not lost on you. And, heh, I know that I lean very, very heavily on legendary badfic My Immortal for humor and inspiration, but that, right there--that bullshit speech that you just gave, straight from the mind, heart and mouth of the teenaged author--has forever put your character--your completely-bastardized, impotent, wretched character--on the same level as Ebony Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way. You get that? You're Enoby. Suck on that, and kindly die, if it's not too much trouble.

Also, "abnormal?"


"So true." Terra said and the girls started giggling.

They're a little too easily amused, if you ask me.

"Why do we not get any of this?" Victor asked.

"I think it's a girl thing." Garfield asked.

"NOW will you tell me what else I have to do? I don't know how we keep getting off hot topic!" Victor complained.

"Once again, it's a girl thing."

"So tell me already!"

"Okay." Terra said as she began explaining the plan they had come up with last night.

That Friday, while the football team was practicing, Bee, Kori, Garfield, Terra, and the others were planning.

You know what? That entire sequence was, like, ten paragraphs long, with no new information presented and absolutely no progress made. We are precisely where we were when we started this chapter. That sequence, whose only lasting effect was to forever vilify the character of Raven Sabel to me, was completely unnecessary and irrelevant to the story. I'd like you to think for a moment what that means.

"After the game right?" Victor asked.

"Yeah, after the game. Not before, not during, not at half-time, after." Garfield said.

"We've gone over it like, thirty times, try and do it right!" Raven complained.

Raven: For fuck's sake, we only have so much pig's blood!

"Sure, now I've gotta go, the game is starting." Victor said as he walked away.

"He'd better do it right."

"We will have to wait until the game is over to find out." Kori said.

"Football still bores me."

"Aww come on Rae! Stay here! You don't wanna miss it!"

"I want to miss the game."

She's got to go back to her dorm room, shut the blinds, switch on the Indigo Girls and sob uncontrollably at the reality that is her miserable, lonely existence. You know, girl stuff.

"No! I mean the thing after the game!"

"Yes Raven, please stay! I am staying as well!" Kori asked.

"Rae, come on, the game's starting!" Garfield begged.

"Rae, come on!" Bee said as she dragged her on to the bleachers, with the others following. "Sorry about that, but I had to get you up here somehow before the game started!"

Raven: Alright, but were the elephant tranquilizers really necessary?

"Yeah whatever. I guess I'll just stay here for AN HOUR OF BORDOM!" Raven said.

"It won't be that bad." Dick said.

"Of course it won't for you! You actually like football as opposed to me who-"

"Shh! The game's started!" Bee said.

And just like that, Betty "The Pain" Klein becomes my favorite character in this story.

"This is gonna be one long hour." Raven mumbled.

"Do you think she'll live through it?" Dick whispered to Garfield.

"Hopefully." Garfield replied.

"I said shut up!" Bee said.

After the game, Victor approached the Washington cheerleaders.

As expected, group sex ensued.

"What happened Victor? Did Gizmo steal your plays again?" Jill asked as he walked over to her.

"No, I actually came over here to talk to you." Victor replied.

"Hey! What do you want ya stupid jock?" Gizmo asked as he walked over.

Oh, I guess Raven's hypocrisy isn't restricted only to herself and her circle of friends. That's like Bill Gates calling Stephen Hawking a nerd.

"None of your business. It's called a private conversation. So get!"

"Stupid football player..." Gizmo mumbled as he walked away, but he was still in ear-shot.

Wait--so Gizmo wasn't a football player? Goddammit, story, your inept writing and utter failure at characterization is comfuckingpletly throwing me off my game!

"Once again, excuse him, he doesn't hits Gizmo know hits Gizmo when to hits Gizmo keep out of other people's hits Gizmo business!" Jill said, the last part directed more toward Gizmo. "So what was it you wanted? Hits Gizmo?"

"Well um...I was wondering if you wanted to go out tomorrow..." Victor trailed off, absolutely mortified.

"Really? You mean it?"

"Yeah, so what's your answer?"

"I'd love to! Washington's gonna be here the rest of the weekend, so I'll meet you by the Jefferson entrance. What time?"

"Around 7:00?"

AM? PM? If it's 7:00 AM, they can go get a lavish, nutritious breakfast and then complain about how inconvenient it is.

"Okay, see you then!" Jill said as she happily ran off to tell her fluff-headed fellow cheerleaders.

The hypocrisy of self-obsessed teenagers complaining about other people judging them when they, themselves, judge other people far more frequently and on a level far more shallow and less substantial than they are judged will never cease to make me want to hurt the entire world.

I know, I already covered that in my mile-long Reason You Suck Speech, but it just irritates me.


"Hey! What's up with asking her out!" Gizmo said.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Victor asked smiling.

"Um...uh...no...but-"

"Then why do you care?"

"It's just that I-uhh-"

"She's not your girlfriend."

"So what? It doesn't matter if she's not-"

"Then you shouldn't have a problem with it. Adios ya pint-sized pointdexter." Victor said as he walked away, taking one last look at the fuming Gizmo who was looking more red and pissed off by the minute. "Hah! Revenge is sweet!"

That's the plan? Get Gizmo's knickers in a twist by taking his crush out on a date, once? As far as revenge scenarios go, that one's pretty lame.

"So how'd it go?" Garfield asked as Victor walked into the commen room (that's kind of like a living room of a dorm).

You can really tell how much research and effort went into making Normal Teenage Life as detailed and realistic as it is.

"Guess." Victor replied.

"So she said yes?"

"Yep. Gizmo was so jealous. Revenge is so sweet..."

"I still do not think that it is right to take advantage of the poor girl's heart." Kori said.

"Aw come on Kori, it's just a harmless prank!" Terra said.

You say that now, but when Jill shows up on Vic's doorstep stark-naked and sobbing with a Glock shoved in her mouth and her finger on the trigger, shallow gashes covering her thighs and wrists begging him to lover her, it's not gonna seem so harmless anymore.

"You are sure?"

"Don't worry about it!"

"Part 1 complete, part 2, will begin at-wait, what time did you say Victor?" Raven asked.

"7:00."

"Right, so part 2 will start at 7:00!"

They're actually talking about an airing of The Best of Both Worlds. Raven's been waiting for an entireweek to find out if Riker blows up Captain Picard or not.

"Revenge will be sweet on that stupid preppy fluff-headed cheerleader!" Bee said.

"God you've got issues. You jealous or something?" Victor asked.

"No, she's just a fluff-headed cheerleader who must be-" Bee lied.

"We get the point." Dick interrupted.

"I'm going back to the rooms. I've got something to work on." Raven said.

I certainly hope it's not more poetry, because I cannot fucking stand another stanza of that quasi-philosophical bullcock.

"See you guys later.

"Yeah, me too. I've got to finish-uh...something." Garfield said as he ran off.

"Garfield has something to do?" Speedy asked. "Doesn't that seem weird?"

"Good point." Terra said suspicously, but then her lips curled into a devilish smile. "And I think I'll go find out what." Terra said as she snuck off.

Does this girl just have ADD?! What happened to your little revenge scenario?! Man, no wonder NATO was able to hunt you down; you were probably fleeing for your life or something and got distracted by something shiny.

"She's spying isn't she?" Bee said.

"Yeah, pretty much." Dick said.

"Yeah, well I've got to do some stuff in my room too! See ya later!" Bee said as she put her earphones in her ear and turned on her iPod and walked away.

I really hope that all these people doing all these undefined things that aren't important enough to elaborate on but are important enough to mention is going to be relevant later. And I know how stupid I am to hope for something like that, but hey, I'm a dreamer.

Soon, Kori, Speedy, and Victor all walked away. Well, Victor was, but then he walked back to Dick.

"Hey Dick, you know how we we're saying before about Bee bein' jealous? Remember when Gar said that she liked me? You know how Gar says that all these people liked all these other people? Well that reminded me that-"

"Yes."

"What are you talking about?"

"You're going to say, that reminded you that Gar said that I liked Kori. Then I'm going to say no, you're gonna say yes, I'm gonna say no, and we're going to go on like that for god knows how long so I'm just gonna go ahead and say yes."

"Actually, I was going to say that Gar never said that he liked Raven, but that's good too!" Victor said as he started laughing.

I'm so starved for an actual emotion being evoked by this story (besides white-hot fury) that I actually forced myself to laugh at that, just to keep myself going.

"Forget what I just said."

"No way! This is too good! Too bad I never got it on tape!"

"Shut up."

"No."

"Don't you have get ready for something?"

"No."

"CAN YOU JUST LEAVE?"

"No."

"Do you even know who's talking anymore?"

"Nah man, I lost track like six sentences ago."


"Well then I'm gonna go up to the girl's dorm and tell Bee that you told me that you-"

"NO! I'm leaving, I'm leaving!" Victor said in surprise as he quickly got up and backed out of the room.

This is totally how guys interact, by the way. Right, dwindling male userbase of Project AFTER?

"Hah. I win."

"For now anyway. All I have to do is go tell Gar and it'll be all over the school in what, five minutes?"

"Speaking of, where's Garfield and Terra?"

"I dunno, let's go look!"

On Saturday night, around 7:15, Victor, Bee, Garfield, and Kori were in hiding in the bushes near where Jinx was standing, supposidly 'waiting' for Victor.

They hold all four of them?! Just how big are those damn bushes?!

"Where is he?" She said to herself, feeling extreamly stupid. Not known by anyone, Gizmo was also hiding in a nearby bush.

Do they just will bushes into existence when they're needed? Are they Protoss bushes? Did they warp them in?! Is this supposed to be a deconstruction, or is it this hackneyed unintentionally?!

"Hah! Let's see how long she stands there!" Garfield said.

"I still don't think it's such a good idea..." Kori mumbled.

"Shh!" Raven whispered.

Jill stood there, for about a half hour more, waiting. Then, out of almost (remember, ALMOST) nowhere, Gizmo walked up to her.

These author's notes are about as helpful as Navi. And twice as annoying.

"So what are you doing, still waiting here? I thought the famous all-star quarter-back of Jefferson was gonna take you out?"

"He's late." She replied.

"More like he stood you up."

"I DID NOT GET STOOD UP!"

"Su-ure. Now why don't you come back to the Washington-"

"Just. Leave. Me. Alone."

"Suit yourself." Gizmo said as he walked away.

Jill took one last look around the area. Her eyes lingered at the bush for a minute or so.

Jeb Bush: Yeah, these things happen, hon. C'mon, I'll take buy you some cocoa on the way home.

"No, I'm seeing things..." She muttered. Eventually, she gave up and left to walk back toward where Washington was staying. "I'm gonna get him! No one stands Jill Stevens up!"

"Except me!" Victor muttered from his hiding place.

"I'm gonna get revenge on him! No one stands Jill Stevens up!" Bee mimicked as they met up with the rest of the their group in the commen room.

"So I take it that it worked out?" Raven said.

THAT was their plan? That's even lamer than what they had in mind! If he'd taken her out and then humiliated her somehow, at least it would have been conclusive. But this?

Also, why was Vic trying to exact petty, jealous revenge on Jill in the first place when she was nothing but a sweetheart to him? Bee was the one with the vendetta against her; Vic has no reason to feel anything but gratitude towards her!

And, hell, Jill is less annoying and petty than Bee by a factor of eight trillion; it sounds to me like Vic is making the wrong call by sticking with her and alienating the attractive cheerleader who'll stick her neck out for him.

This is the worst fanfic ever written. It's worse than Sailor Moon Legend of Zelda. No, it's worse than My Immortal. At least My Immortal is entertaining. You can read My Immortal, and you can laugh your ass off and fall in love with every character because of how ridiculous and over-the-top it all is, but there is nothing to love in this story. We are five chapters into it--six, I don't know--and I've already declared it the worst fanfic ever written. That is quite a distinction. I would rather sit through a hundred chapters written by Dakari-King Mykan than this...than [this.


"I still do not think that it was a nice thing to do. She looked so-" Kori started.

"Heartbroken?" Terra interrupted.

"Spiteful?" Speedy suggested.

"Remorseful?" Garfield said.

"Do you even know what that means?" Raven asked.

Oh, be quiet Raven; you don't know what it means either.

"No, but it seemed like a good word to use."

Raven rolled her eyes. "Boys."

"But it still was not a nice thing to do!" Kori protested.

"Well she deserved it that little preppy, flirting-" Bee started.

"Now stop right there." Victor interrupted.

Hey, all right--looks like Victor's finally going to man up and denounce this harpy and her vendetta. It's a little too late, but at least it's some development.

"Must someone always stop me?"

"Whenever you start mentioning her, you say that she flirted with me. Why do you have such issues with her flirting with me?"

Oh, fuck you Victor.

"I don't."

"Yes you do."

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!"

And instead of a scene where Victor realizes the gravity of what he's done, to someone he has no quarrel with, to satisfy the jealous rage of a girl whose company he cannot stand, and grows as a human being because of his epiphany, we get a rehash of the same gag that this story has been throwing at us since the first chapter. This story, which has been digging its grave since its inception, has just passed through the Earth's molten core, and I calculate that it will emerge in China within three chapters.

"And I thought they had stopped that weeks ago." Speedy muttered to Terra, who laughed.

"No I don't!" Bee yelled.

"Yes you do!" Victor replied.

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do!"

"No I don't!"

"STOP! You need to quit fight and if either of you has a problem, SORT IT OUT WITHOUT YELLING! IT'S RIDICULOUS! AND I'm getting a headache! In fact, I already have one!" Raven said.

Well, one thing's for sure--the best cure for a headache is more yelling! Thank God Raven's got that covered for us!

"There's some Advil in the bathroom upstairs!" Terra replied. Raven nodded and walked out of the room towards her room.

A light of joy sprang in her heart. All she had to do was down the bottle and then pray that nobody stumbled onto her body in the bathroom, and she'd be free from her comfortable and privileged existence once and for all.

"Yes you do!" Victor yelled.

"AND SO WHAT IF I DO?" Bee exclaimed.

"This is ridiculous!" Dick commented.

"Yeah! You're gonna give us all a headache!" Garfield said.

"You two are impossible!" Kori decided.

"And coming from Kori, it's gotta be true." Terra pointed out.

"What's today?" Speedy asked.

"Umm...Saturday." Bee said.

"OH DAMMET! I've got to do that reasearch paper for science!"

Would this story take some goddamn Ritalin and focus?!

"Do it on Sunday." Victor said.

"No, I've gotta do the paper then do the edit it and do the final copy. It'll make up for what I missed this year, and if I don't get a good grade on it I'm dead!" Speedy said as he ran off toward his room (They all had computers on in their room).

Complete with high-speed internet connections and user-friendly interfaces. Damn you, Wilson!

"Yeah, that reminds me, I've gotta do that research paper too. I'll see you guys tomorrow. Knowing me, I'll be up all night." Bee said as she ran off toward her room.

Suddenly, Garfield's eyes widened.

He'd completely forgotten about the full moon, and sundown was in fifteen seconds. Already, the bloodlust and primal hunger was creeping onto his mind...

"What's wrong?" Terra asked.

"Monday." He replied.

"What's on Monday?" Dick asked.

"THE SCIENCE STATE TEST! THE ONE THAT'S GONNA COUNT FOR 60 OF OUR GRADE!"

That's totally how standardized tests work.

"WHAT?"

"THAT'S ON MONDAY?" Kori exclaimed.

"OH GOD I'VE GOTTA STUDY! I SUCK AT SCIENCE SO MUCH!" Victor said as she ran out.

CAPSLOCK MEANS I'M PANICKING

"C'MON LET'S GO!" Garfield said as he dragged Dick up to the room to study.

"Kori c'mon!" Terra said.

"I hate state tests." Kori murmered as she let Terra drag her to study for the state test on Monday.

THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MONDAY
THE STATE TEST IS ON MON--oh, this? The story seemed so insistent that we memorize this fact, and, well, I do like to be helpful...


This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Sep 22 2010, 07:19 PM


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Post #43
DraculaMarth


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post Aug 1 2010, 06:54 AM
Wait, I didn't catch a certain detail: Is the state test on monday? The author didn't repeat themself enough.

Also, Gotta love that "Reason you suck Speech".

Lastly:
This is the worst fanfic ever written? You mean you've never read "No Turning Back"? This is in the top 5 worst, no doubt, but there's no way this is the absolute worst.


--------------------
QUOTE (Dakari-King Mykan)
No one sucks my cock, I forbid it!


QUOTE (Howlitzer)
He'll be missing a melon and a head when a nigga gets the munchies. Y'all white folks better hold me back


QUOTE (TigerOfThunder2013 @ Jul 14 2013, 10:09 PM) *
Go kill yourself DraculaMarth! No one wants you here. I was here to defend a story. Not deal with shitty people.

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Post #44
shiroamasa


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post Aug 1 2010, 07:47 AM
This story is just plain awful.


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"SURPRISE FISH!" - Deceased Crab

"Whoa, dude! Want some pizza with your brain arms?" Retsupurae, on Quadraxis14's LP of Contra 3

"How rude!" HCBailly, playing Secret of Mana.

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post Aug 1 2010, 04:38 PM
*RAGERAGERAGE*

GUYS. I'M NOT UNDERSTANDING.


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"That Ms. Paint is one classy Prospitian lady. She is the model of grace and beauty. I am always a bit flustered in her presence, especially when she carries her little pail around like that.

Whereas THIS lazy sack of crap here makes me sick to my stomach.

Cal, God damn it. We were all supposed to dress up for this. It doesn't look like you even touched that nice suit I sewed for you, let alone swapped your eyes with those billiard balls and make them alternate rapidly.

This insubordination is putting me in a foul mood. It's bad enough I just had to take Falcor out behind the woodshed and blow his brains out after he caught the rabies."


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The Two-One-Five


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post Aug 1 2010, 08:55 PM
QUOTE (Al_Cone @ Aug 1 2010, 02:09 AM)
Huh. Raven, it sounds to me like you've just described every upper-crusty son of a bitch who's ever attended a prep school.  And, well, honey, not only do you and your gang of castrated superheroes fit your description to a tee, but you're a motherfucking hypocrite for holding yourselves and your own spoiled-rotten attitudes, your witless prattle, your self-centered bullshit and (most grievous of all) your pretentious, holier-than-thou attitudes above the very same crap that the rest of your peers mire themselves in. I'm not quite sure how you pulled it off, but every adjective that you just used to rail against the perceived "preps" of the world--truly the lowest that creation has to offer--can be applied directly to the forehead you and your shithead, do-nothing friends, who whine and complain for twenty-nine chapters about how difficult it is to attend a high-class educational institution and get fed a full breakfast buffet every morning at the inconvenient time of eight o'clock. I certainly hope that the irony of you acting so superior towards a nebulously-defined rung on the social-ladder over injustices that, in all likelihood, haven't even happened or (if they did indeed happen) were blown completely out of proportion by a short-tempered bitch with a Bella Swan complex, but nevertheless forever colored your perception of them as being intolerably superior and pretentious is not lost on you. And, heh, I know that I lean very, very heavily on legendary badfic My Immortal for humor and inspiration, but that, right there--that bullshit speech that you just gave, straight from the mind, heart and mouth of the teenaged author--has forever put your character--your completely-bastardized, impotent, wretched character--on the same level as Ebony Dark'Ness Dementia Raven Way. You get that? You're Enoby. Suck on that, and kindly die, if it's not too much trouble.
*

Hey, fuck you, fag! That there's my bit! If you ever steal it again I will slam your head into the ground until you die! You got that, Alfalfa?


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Post #47
Al_Cone


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post Aug 2 2010, 02:07 AM
QUOTE (The Two-One-Five @ Aug 1 2010, 09:55 PM)
Hey, fuck you, fag! That there's my bit! If you ever steal it again I will slam your head into the ground until you die! You got that, Alfalfa?
*


That don't belong to you.


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post Aug 2 2010, 10:30 AM
You know I can imagine several things that would be way worse than Teen Titans becoming a boring ass high school AU. The Justice League for one... and the dozens of Avatar High School fanfics. Why do people think turning super powered beings into normal regular humans is compelling? I mean, we watch the show to see them fight crime not complain about an upcoming test! We live that! I thought this was suppose to be escapism?


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post Aug 3 2010, 08:25 AM
So I hope I'm not the only one that notices the author keeps slipping with names. Garfield has more than once been referred to as Beast Boy, and "Jill" as Jinx.

Just thought I'd point that out.

On that note, I agree that the MCs are a lot less likable than the supposed bad guys. Jill beat the shit out of whatshisface when she found out he stole their plays and even got Victor back in the football game after he got into a fight. I'd rather read a story about her.

Also, I dunno, is this an old story? FF.Net for a while took away asterisks (those little * symbols used for actions and scene changes) and when they let you use them in stories again, they weren't just automatically put in. If this story was put up in that time, those "hits Gizmo" things could've just been one of the many authorial oversights.

Not that I'm trying to make excuses for her at this point.

This post has been edited by Mysty: Aug 3 2010, 08:28 AM


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post Aug 3 2010, 01:30 PM
QUOTE (Mysty @ Aug 3 2010, 08:25 AM)
FF.Net for a while took away asterisks (those little * symbols used for actions and scene changes) and when they let you use them in stories again, they weren't just automatically put in.  If this story was put up in that time, those "hits Gizmo" things could've just been one of the many authorial oversights.

Not that I'm trying to make excuses for her at this point.
*

Ah, now it makes sense!


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post Aug 4 2010, 06:30 AM
Yeah, if this story was put up when asterisks were allowed, the system would've stripped them out when the admins decided to get rid of them (it happened to some of my old fanfics).

Of course, I just went and checked, and apparently she reposted this thing in 2008, which I'm pretty sure was after they put them back in. Even if it isn't, it means she didn't care enough to check her story after she posted it. Nice.


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post Aug 4 2010, 07:10 PM
Attached Image

***

Jefferson Co-Ed's Principal, Slade Wilson, held his glass in the air, his arm propped up on the bar by his elbow, eying with interest the translucent brown liquid within. He'd had the drink in his hand for three full minutes, and hadn't taken a sip--he swore that there was something floating in the drink, an indistinguishable particle of something unsavory that he refused to allow to enter his body. Wilson knew a Trojan Horse when he saw one, and a glass of sweet, soothing liquor was the perfect cover for a contagion to infiltrate his body.

The bartender, who was "polishing" a shotglass with a rag stained pitch-black from years of use and lack of maintenance, confusedly watched the educator. "Hey, uh, fella, are you gonna drink that? Not that I care one way or the other, it's on your tab, but I don't like the idea of perfectly good scotch goin' to waste."

"Not until I know that it's safe..." Wilson pulled a pair of tiny tweezers from his breast pocket and slowly dipped them into the beverage.

"...to..." With an astounding level of finesse, Wilson clamped the tweezers over the particle, itself a hairs' breadth from microscopic, and deftly raised it from the glass.

"...drink." He looked up at the bartender and smiled mildly. "Your health, or mine?"

The bartender grumbled, waved dismissively at Wilson, and turned his back to the bar. Wilson shook his head, raised the glass and downed it in a single gulp.

The door to the bar swung open and slammed shut just as quickly. Wilson, distracted by the object in his tweezers, didn't bother raising his head, but he was fully aware of the newcomer's entrance. If the door's loud opening and closing hadn't tipped him off, then the loud jingling sound that accompanied his every step (heavy footfalls--the newcomer was wearing hard-soled boots) would surely have. Wilson thought to himself that Santa Claus had come early, and the notion made him chuckle.

The jingling and loud footfalls came to a stop directly behind Wilson. He cast a long shadow. It obscured Wilson's view of the object he'd plucked from his scotch. Wilson frowned.

"This seat taken?" the newcomer asked in a gravely, raspy voice, nudging the stool next to Wilson with a pointed boot.

Wilson shrugged lightly. "You're welcome to it. But I'm supposed to meet someone here in a little while, so try not to stay too long."

"Oh?" the newcomer asked, interested. "Hot date?"

"Ah, I wish," Wilson replied. "An old buddy of mine. Some old codger who thinks he's Lee Van Cleef." He swiveled in his barstool to face the newcomer, smiling coyly at him. "I always thought the routine was a little played out, personally."

The newcomer's mouth curled into a grin beneath his bushy, gray mustache. He pulled a revolver from within his heavy brown duster, twirling it inches away from Wilson's face. "I'll bet that old codger doesn't give a flying fuck what you, or any other son of a bitch, thinks."

"I suppose it could be worse," Wilson said, his smile growing broader and more mirthful by the second. "I know this asshole who dresses like a bumblebee."

And at this, Revolver Ocelot burst into laughter, holstering his gun and plopping down in the seat beside Wilson. "He really does look ridiculous," Ocelot agreed, grabbing for the scotch and Wilson's empty glass, and pouring himself a drink. "It didn't look good in 1944, it didn't look good in 1964, and it sure as shit doesn't look good in 2004." He raised the glass and winked at Wilson. "Cheers."

Wilson watched with mild disgust as Ocelot chugged the beverage. Couldn't he at least have had the decency to get his own damn glass? This was very unsanitary of him.

Ocelot pounded the glass back onto the bar and sighed. "Damn, that's good," he breathed. "Best stuff I've had in weeks."

"Yeah, it's a dry school," Wilson agreed. "We do have to conform to certain educational standards. Believe me, I'd have a well-stocked liquor cabinet if I could get away with it, but those damned inspectors..."

Ocelot raised an eyebrow thoughtfully as he poured another drink. "Funny how even a privately-funded institution like yours can't escape from their scrutiny."

"The price I pay," Wilson said wistfully. "But we're not here to talk about me." All business now, he turned to Ocelot, leaning an arm against the bar. "So what have you learned?"

"That teenagers are the dullest and whiniest shits I've ever had to shadow in my entire, forty-four career," Ocelot grumbled. "You should hear those bastards. They cut class constantly, and when they're NOT cutting class they're writing bad poetry or slacking the hell off, and they've got the stones to talk down on you. Buddy, you should hear the things they say about you."

"Yes, I did overhear them complaining about the breakfast buffet once," Wilson said with a private smile. "Smug pricks. That buffet comes out of my salary."

"Mm." Ocelot raised his glass to his lips and sipped carefully. "But seriously, they don't seem to notice."

"Notice what?" Wilson asked. "Notice you?"

"Hell, they notice me; they're just too stupid to care," Ocelot snapped. "They don't notice him, I mean."

"Very interesting." Wilson stroked his thin, gray goatee thoughtfully. "They really think that he's a sixteen-year-old black girl?"

"They don't even notice the hornets." Ocelot set the glass back on the bar and pushed it away. "I don't know how or why, but The Pain seems dead-set on keeping his identity under wraps."

"Does he suspect you?" Wilson asked.

Ocelot snorted. "Please. 'Does he suspect me.' He knew me when I was a child, Wilson, and there's no way he's forgotten me. Of course he knows who I am. Of course he figures I've got my agenda. He just can't do anything about it, or he'll spook the mundanes. That's his problem."

"Must eat him up inside," said Wilson. "He'd probably give anything to get his hands around your throat."

"As if he could," Ocelot muttered. "I can take that old bee-covered bastard."

"I just hope it doesn't come to that," said Wilson. "If it does, though--"

"If it happens, I'll make sure it doesn't jeopardize our mission," Ocelot assured him. "Don't take me for a fool, Slade. I've been in this business a little longer than you. I can handle myself."

"Alright, alright. I believe you," Wilson said, contrite. "But don't let it come to that."

"It won't," Ocelot assured him. "Or at least, not until I've figured out how he's pulling the wool over their eyes."

"Adam--"

"I don't know what you expect me to find out, Slade," Ocelot admitted. "Do you really think there's something to all this? The Pain suddenly resurfacing after forty years, the appearance of a wanted terrorist in the middle of California..."

"Not to mention that drug runner," Wilson added. "And they've all converged on my school, of all places."

"And they've all fallen in together," Ocelot concluded. "I admit it's a little fishy, Slade, but--"

"But nothing," Wilson interrupted. "Something's happening here, Ocelot. Something that I think goes beyond our understanding. I just hope that, between the two of us, we can handle it."

"You're one crazy bastard, Slade," Ocelot admonished, shaking his head. "But you've got a knack for seeing through things like this. I should know better than to question your judgment."

"Yes," Wilson said, reaching for the bottle again. "Yes, you should."

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 28 2011, 12:09 PM


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post Aug 4 2010, 07:49 PM
Interest in Story: Restored.


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post Aug 4 2010, 08:01 PM
That was awesome.


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post Aug 4 2010, 09:11 PM
Oh god...that was...<3


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"That Ms. Paint is one classy Prospitian lady. She is the model of grace and beauty. I am always a bit flustered in her presence, especially when she carries her little pail around like that.

Whereas THIS lazy sack of crap here makes me sick to my stomach.

Cal, God damn it. We were all supposed to dress up for this. It doesn't look like you even touched that nice suit I sewed for you, let alone swapped your eyes with those billiard balls and make them alternate rapidly.

This insubordination is putting me in a foul mood. It's bad enough I just had to take Falcor out behind the woodshed and blow his brains out after he caught the rabies."


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post Aug 7 2010, 01:23 AM
And for being such good little boys and girls, your reward will be a mercifully-short (yet skull-fuckingly horrible) chapter of Normal Teenage Life.

*****

Chapter 7: The Horrors of Standurized Tests

Original Japanese Title: "Don't Blame Me, I'm Ignorant!!!" The Standardized Tests From Hades!

Holy ghost and holy hell, a blatant and hilarious typo in the opening line of the story! There is no way in creation that this won't set the tone for the rest of the chapter. In fact, just looking at the text visible in this box without scrolling down, I can count three additional words that look like someone typed them by slapping their shrunken, malformed wang against the keyboard and hoping for the best.

On Monday morning, three alarms went off sequenially.

Sequined alarm clocks briefly were trendy around 2004--it's little touches like this that make Normal Teenage Life a masterwork of the times it was written in.

The boys got up grogglily at 7:30 that morning.

"I DON'T WANNA TAKE THE STATE TEST!" Garfield groaned.

Damn, that is one loud-ass groan. Imagine the first thing you hear when you wake up being some effete vegan asshole screeching "I DON'T WANNA TAKE THE STATE TEST!"

"None of us do." Dick mumbled.

"At least we studied all day yesterday, and we won't completely fail." Speedy said.

"I don't care if whether or not we know it, I don't wanna take the test!" Garfield moaned.

Garfield never ceases to be amazed that going to school and getting an education entails more than fucking around with his friends and complaining about wholesome breakfast buffets.

And no, I am not going to let go of the breakfast thing. Ever.


"Well no matter how many times you complain, youi're still gonna have to take it so let's get going!" Victor said.

"Yeah, don't we have to meet the girls before the test?" Speedy asked.

Gotta get some good-luck nookie. Thank the maker there's such a convenient direct proportion between the males and females, otherwise some men'd have to share...

"Rae and Kori probably want to review." Victor said.

"Most likely Kori. She's like obsessed with her grades." Garfield commented.

"So what if she is?" Dick asked.

"Dude, I wasn't trying to insult her. Chill out."

Garfield Beast Boy Garfield COUNT LOGAN Garfield glanced nervously at the foot-long paring knife dick had drawn from his hidden ankle sheath as he tried to talk his friend out of gouging him silly.

"Aww...is Dick defending his little girlfriend?" Victor teased.

"She's not my girlfriend!" Dick protested.

Dick: We just fuck, okay? No strings attached.

"Suuure."

"Yeah right." Speedy agreed.

"GUYS! WE'RE LATE!" Garfield yelled.

"And they say girls take forever? Where are they?" Bee complained.

"We were late too you know." Kori said.

"Yeah, like two weeks ago." Terra mumbled.

Thankfully, Raven has the address of a killer abortion clinic. Of course, they couldn't afford to abort ALL of their little bundles of life-ending joy, so they drew lots to see who'd be taking a date with Cindy the Wickedly-Curved Coat Hanger.

"Speak of the devils." Raven said as the boys walked up.

"You said it." Terra agreed. "Devils is right."

"Who's a devil? Anyone we know?" Garfield asked.

Well, Speed Racer is a demon on wheels. Any of you know him?

"No, I don't think you know who we're talking about." Bee said as she giggled.

"I still don't get anything!"

The concept of a round Earth is known to send Garfield into panic attacks.

"You never do." Victor said.

"I don't wanna take the state test." Garfield complained.

"You said that three times already." Dick pointed out.

Dick, I know it's tempting to break the fourth wall and point out the slapshit writing, but that's my job. 'Kay?

"So what? I still don't wanna!" Garfield moaned.

"Yeah, and what's up with making us get up for breakfast an hour earlier?" Bee asked.

Don't you start with me. Don't you fucking start.

"It's some retarded rule people came up with that whenever we have a state test we have to get up an hour earlier." Victor explained.

"Stupid school idiots..." Garfield mumbled as the group got their food. Although Victor was once again getting his all-meat meal,

Multiple species were hunted to extinction, the better to satisfy Victor's gluttony.

he decided that for once, it was too early to start an argument

"Now c'mon or we'll be late for breakfast and then they won't let us in! And I'm hungry!" Terra said as she walked into the dining hall with the others trailing after her.

We've fallen into a timewarp! Events are happening out of chronological order! It's far more likely that the author is an inept clown, but my theory is cooler!

"Yet another stupid rule the school came up with!" Speedy complained.

"Actually, the school isn't coming up with all these rules." Raven said.

Ocelot stopped twirling his revolver, suddenly very curious at what Raven would have to say. A kid like her couldn't possibly know about the Patriots...

"Girl, stop being a cryptic and tell us what you mean." Bee answered.

"Isn't it obvious that it's the principal doing this? He always loves to torture us in one way or another. Here in California don't actually need to take state tests (once again, that's probably not a law (though it would be nice for the people from California if it was), but it is in this story),

Ah, modifying the rules of reality because the way shit actually works is just too inconvenient for your tastes.

but Wilson just does it to torture us some more." Raven explained.

Looks like I almost jumped the gun, Ocelot thought in disgust. Just more premenstrual whining about the way Wilson runs this joint.

"I know I would be happy if we got a new principal." Kori commented.

"Wouldn't we all." Terra mumbled as they sat down.

Gazing at their banquet, and glancing back at the sparkling buffet table where mounds of fresh-cooked eggs, bacon and sausage, bowls filled with fresh, organic fruit salad, stacks of golden-brown pancakes slathered in delicious, decadent maple syrup and pitchers of orange juice, grapefruit juice (ruby red and regular) and milk (chocolate and strawberry, as well as plain), they could only shake their heads and sigh. Someday, they would get a principal who truly cared about his students' well-being.

"Hey shouldn't Kitten and her cronies be coming to piss us off just about now?" Bee asked.

"Perhaps she has decided to leave us alone." Kori said.

Looks like Chris Crocker was able to get through to her.

"If we could only hope. But you know, I don't even see them here." Speedy commented.

"They're probably not taking the state tests. Again." Garfield said. "They skip it every year."

Their scores were so astronomically low that Wilson exempted them from ever taking them again. His connections in the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo made it happen--all so that their funding wouldn't take a substantial blow, at the expense of the educations and futures of the student body.

Slade Wilson: He goes the extra mile.


"Lucky." Terra mumbled.

"What? You'd want to join with them? The evil of Jefferson Boarding School?" Raven questionedl.

"Well-" Terra started to say, but she was interrupted. (cough cough TRAITOR cough cough)

That's a nasty cough there, narrator. Perhaps being gagged and punched violently and repeatedly in the throat would do it some good.

"STUDENTS! YOU WILL NOW REPORT TO YOUR FIRST PERIOD CLASSROOMS FOR THE CSSAs (California State Science Assesments, once again, I made it up.)!"

Unless this chapter's original writing predates Google--and I know for a fact that it does not--the author has no excuse for not simply Googling "California Standardized Tests" and getting the correct motherfucking acronym.

The voice came clear and (very very) loud on the P.A. system.

"We'll continue this conversation later. Now we've gotta take that stupid test." Raven mumbled.

Garfield started to remind the group that he didn't want to take the test, but the collision of Raven's booted foot with his nutsack silenced him before he could give Al Cone another reason to destroy the universe.

"So we'll see you guys at lunch?" Dick asked. He, Victor, and Raven all had the same science class. Kori, Terra, and Bee were also in the same science calss, but different from the others. The last group of people were Garfield and Speedy, who were in the same science class.

I guess Jefferson Co-Ed only has three science classes.

"THE TEST IS FOUR HOURS?" Bee asked.

"We told you it was torture." Victor said.

"BUT FOUR HOURS?"

"Yep. Four hours. Four very long hours." Garfield said.

"This is getting worse by the minute." Speedy said.

All 240 of them.

"It could be worse. It could be five hours." Kori said.

"Don't even think like that." Raven said, in horror.

"OMG I would die if it was four hours." Terra said.

Terra's eyes widened upon realizing what she just said, but before she could retract her hyperbolic statement, she collapsed in a lifeless heap on the floor, smashing her chin on a desk top as she fell. Not that she minded the wound, being dead and all.

"C'mon guys, we've gotta go, or we'll be late." Victor said as he, Raven, and Dick walked away.

"See you at lunch!" Terra replied as Kori, Bee, and herself went in another direction. Speedy and Garfield went off, both complaining in turn about the 'FOUR-HOUR-TORTURE' and the 'stupid principal'.

Yes, because the Principal of the private boarding school is in total control of the state's standardized testing procedures, and only made it the way it was to inconvenience you. No wonder Ocelot hates you all.

Terra, Kori, and Bee found their seats.

"Okay everyone, now be quiet so we can begin." Mrs. Carnegie said (the teacher in case everyone forgot.) "Good. Now take out a number two pencil so we can begin."

"OMG! OMG! I don't have a pencil! OMG I'M GONNA FAIL!" Terra exclaimed as she started freaking out.

Khalid Sheik Muhammad's vastly overdoing his imitation of an American airheaded OMFGPREP. I've never heard anybody actually pronounce "OMG," spontaneously, let alone thrice in one line.

"Chill girl, you put one in that ratty brown bag of yours this morning, remember?" Bee said pointing to the dirty brown mini-backpack that was Terra's bag.

"Right. Sorry, I'm having a breakdown here."

Upon finding out that she'd run out of white-out this morning, Terra wrecked her entire room, stripped naked, smeared fecal matter all over her body and went streaking through the school crying "SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!"

She doesn't handle stress well.


"Obviously. Kori you do have a pencil, right? I don't want two people breaking down. I can't handle that."

"Yes of course! I always have a pencil with me!" Kori said holding up her light purple pencil with a fluffy top.

KAWAII DESU-NE~!!!

"You're sure that's number two?"

"Yes. Positive."

"Just making sure. I really don't want anyone failing or I have a feeling I'll be hearing it for the rest of the year."

"If any of us fail, we're gonna have to repeat the class!" Terra moaned as the teacher passed the test booklets and scantrons out, telling them to not turn it over yet.


That is totally how standardized tests work too.

"Okay kids, be quiet." Mrs. Carnegie said, but they all continued talking. "I said BE QUIET!"

When even that failed to silence the crowd of little shits, Mrs. Carnegie pulled her Remmington 500 from under the desk, cocked it once, and fired into the air, blowing a sizable hole in the ceiling.

The kids were silent. "Good. Now turn your papers over and begin."

Bee looked at the test, skimming it. Every question she looked at, she couldn't figure out.

Bee: 1+1...uggghhh...

"Doesn't help that I wasn't hear for a month and a half." She mumbled trying to find a question she could answer.

To her delight, there was an entire subsection on beekeeping. Her hornets celebrated. Panic ensued; paramedics were scrambled to the scene.

Bee wasn't the only one having trouble, Dick was slightly confused too. And he had been in class every day.

Dick: The quality of mercy is... uhh... Sandshrew?

"What is the outermost layer of the sun called? That was all the way last year when we learned that stuff! What is the 35th element called? How am I supposed to know?" He mumbled.

Miraculously, he remembered that he had gotten a copy of the Periodic Table of Elements, and looked it up.

He was spotted quickly by the test proctor, thrown out of the class and had his score nullified. Because, just this once, the story took place in the real world instead of the fluffy-ass cage that the author wants it to.

"Okay...so the 35th element is called Zynothium. How am I supposed to know that? Why would I care if it's the most reactive element and it's impossible to destroy? It's not like I'm going to ever use it."

Well, it's either Zynothium or Bromine. But hell, we've already raped California educational standards and football--what's rewriting the Periodic Table gonna hurt?

Basically, all of them except Raven (who was really smart) and Kori (who had studied like crazy) were having trouble.

And of course, our two author avatars are the only ones capable of pulling off a standardized test with little or no trouble. Oh, why hello there, friendly razor blade? What's that? You want to slice my wrist open? Well, the way this story's going, I'm not likely to have any objections--please, proceed! biggrin.gif

Four hours later, the group met up. Garfield looked a little worse for wear.

"Um...what's his problem?" Raven asked.

"So many boxes...too many little boxes..." Garfield mumbled.

He had a nervous breakdown during the test, so they sent him off to sort packages in the mail room.

"The test got to him." Speedy said.

"Name: Garfield Rubin Logan. Subject: Science Date: October 25th, 2004 Teacher: Mr-" Garfield started to say.

Every soldier who's ever been captured and interrogated by the enemy promptly shot him in the groin.

"GARFIELD!" Kori yelled, but no response.

"His middle name is Rubin?" Bee asked.

His parents almost made his first name William, but thought it'd be too mean.

"GARFIELD!" Kori yelled again.

"No! It's not a pen Mr. Davis! 've got a number two pencil! See! Number two! OH NO! IT'S A NUMBER THREE PENCIL! Hey I didn't even know they had number three pencils..." Garfield called out randomly, but then snapped to reality. "What happened? IS IT OVER?"

I seriously wonder how this shmuck was able to coast through elementary school...

"You, went momantarily insane." Dick informed him.

"I thought he was insane 24-7." Terra said with a smile.

"Stupid test..."

"Umm...that's the only state test we have to take right?" Bee asked.

"Nope, we've got the ELA in January." Victor said.

"What is with this mental school?" Speedy mumbled.

"Once again, it's the principal." Raven commented.

Ocelot's trigger finger itched very badly at this slanderous remark.

"Someday we've gotta do something about that guy." Garfield said.

"You have no idea." Terra mumbled.

"What did you say? I didn't hear you." Raven said.

"Nothing." Terra lied, and Raven looked at her suspicously.

"Whatever. C'mon guys let's go get some lunch. And now we've got the rest of the day to go through." Raven said as the group went into get lunch.

Needless to say, as they sat down to their well-balanced and carefully-constructed lunch spread, they cursed Wilson for having the temerity to feed them.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 07:10 AM


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post Aug 7 2010, 04:26 AM
QUOTE
. I've never heard anybody actually pronounce "OMG," spontaneously, let alone thrice in one line.


You lucky bastard


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Go kill yourself DraculaMarth! No one wants you here. I was here to defend a story. Not deal with shitty people.

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post Aug 12 2010, 06:58 PM
While this chapter bears a powerful resemblance to a traditional filler TV episode, don't be deceived--this entire story's nothing but filler.

***

Chapter 8: All-Hollow's Eve, Or More Specifically, A Holiday Invented By The Candy Companies

Original Japanese Title: "Bite Me, Garfield!!!" Night Of A Thousand Spooks!

Actually, if you really want to get technical, it was invented by the pagans and then hijacked by the Catholics for their own use, like just about every other Christian holiday. The candy companies, opportunistic darlings that they are, just go along with it.

But hey, factual inaccuracy is the order of the day, right along with mediocrity.


The days of standardized were over (for now anyway). For once (and I really mean for once), the principal had given the kids a break. That means no homework, no studying, nothing.

Naturally, the students were complaining nonstop.

"Man, I can't believe that Wilson gave us a break for Halloween!" Victor said.

"Yeah it's really weird. Hey maybe he's up to something!" Garfield suggested.

I rest my case.

"The guy's evil, but he wouldn't do anything illegal. He likes to torture us too much to lose his job." Raven disagreed.

"But still, we get off for Halloween!" Speedy said.

"Great Halloween." Bee said sarcastically.

"Yeah, I'm inclined to agree with Bee here. Halloween is like another April Fools for you guys." Raven said.

Except with more tooth decay and fewer spinal contusions and lawsuits.

"And me! Don't forget me too!" Terra added.

"True."

"Is there like a Halloween Dance or anything?" Speedy asked.

Well, Thriller, I suppose.

"Why would their be?" Dick replied.

"Well on the East Coast, at least where I'm from, they always have some sort of Halloween Dance."

Well, you ain't ON the east sye-yeed anymore, now are you?! Y'all had better lose that attitude before you get brutally stabbed in the gullet. WEST SYE-YEED.

"He has a point." Bee agreed.

"No. We do not have a Halloween Dance. We only have a Fall, Winter, and Spring dance." Kori explained.

Rest assured, Autumn has filed a grievance with the ACLU. The lawsuit is pending.

"It's better than nothing. So what do you guys do for Halloween then? Do you do anything at all?"

"Aside from Garfield's pathetic attempts to scare all of us?" Terra said.

"And pitiful. Don't forget pitiful." Raven added.

"And ignorant!" Kori commented.

"And fun to—" Terra started to say.

"WILL YA'LL STOP DOING THAT!" Victor yelled.

You know, he might be an unscrupulous pile of shit, but at least Victor finds these dumbass girls and their woeful attempts at inside humor as irritating as I do.

"Yeah, it's getting really annoying." Dick agreed.

"And we don't get it!" Garfield moaned.

"It's an inside joke." Bee said.

"Ya think?" Speedy said.

"Anyway, so like I said, do you guys do anything at all for Halloween?"

"Yeah." Victor answered.

"Sometimes." Terra said.

"Okay, so what do you do?" Bee asked.

You really gotta love this writing. You really do.

"Bee! It's Halloween! What'd ya think!" Garfield said.

Gar: We get high and fuck everything that moves. Oh, and we hand out cyanide-laced peanut butter cups. Filled with razor blades. You know, teen stuff.

"I dunno. Do you know how many different things you could do?"

"Normally we have some sort of horror movie marathon in one of our common rooms that night." Raven explained.

"Really? Now that sounds interesting. What movies do you normally pick?"

Anything by Uwe Boll.

"Well I wouldn't know."

"Why?"

"We don't normally let Raven pick the movies." Victor explained.

"Why?" Bee repeated.

Well, would YOU trust the opinion of somebody who thought that Gigli was a vastly underrated masterpiece?

"Raven's an expert in like all things horror right?" Garfield asked.

"So?"

"SO anything that she picks would be waaay scary. We normally watch two or three movies in a row, and some of us can't take that kind of horror."

Oh yeah, heaven forbid your horror movies have some genuine horror in them. Pussies.

"Simpletons." Raven grumbled.

"Especially you Gar!" Terra teased.

"Shut up! You're being mean!" Garfield repeated.

"Aww…Gar feeling bad because Terra's picking on him?"

"Gar, she always des that, get used to it." Dick said.

This is such a loving circle of friends--the way they enable the malicious, sociopathic attitudes and actions of one another, you can really tell just how close they all are.

"So what'd you guys normally do during the Halloween day? It's Sunday so you guys don't have classes." Speedy asked.

"Like Terra said, most of the day is spent avoiding Garfield's pitiful attempts to scare us. Or we just do our own thing." Raven explained. "Speaking of which, I'm going to my room. I've got some stuff to catch up on."

That vagina's not gonna stimulate itself.

"And we'll join you!" Terra, Bee, and Kori said together and followed Raven.

It'll have help, you see. wink.gif

"Joy." Raven muttered as she left with the other three girls following her.

"I take it your going to spend the entire day trying to scare Raven?" Victor asked.

There/their AND your/you're, both in the same chapter. This is a blessed day!

"What else?" Garfield said with a grin.

"Do you need some help?" Victor asked.

"Sure! Hey Dick, Speedy, you wanna help?"

"No way. I've got stuff to do." Dick said walking away.

"Same here." Speedy said walking off in another direction.

I've been trying to keep track of the number of times any given character will wander off, giving the vague explanation of "I have to do things" to justify it, but I lost count several chapters ago.

"Aww…guess that's only two people." Garfield said in a disappointed voice.

"Could be worse, you could have to do it all on your own and then you know that you'd never do it." Victor said.

"Point."

Later that day, on the second floor (where Raven, Kori, Bee, and Terra resided), Raven was cornered by Terra and Bee, holding a small black book.

With her identity as Kira now exposed, Raven could only hope that the murderous retribution of her friends would be swift and painless.

Kori was off studying something.

Kori earns a little on the side studying and translating Assyrian epic poetry. At the moment, she's studying a tablet containing the tale of a group of self-centered asshole teenagers who spend twenty-nine chapters complaining about how impossible their life of wealth and luxury is. Basically, it's a Jane Austin novel.

It had all started about 10 minutes after they went to their room.

"You should really study!" She told them. "We have a Social Studies test on Monday!"

"Whatever." Terra said.

"Yeah, I'd rather relax than do that." Bee said turning on her iPod again.

A character who would rather relax than study?! I applaud this brilliant creative decision!

"I've got some writing to do." Raven said taking out a small black book.

"What's that?" Terra asked.

"Nothing."

"Is that your diary?" Bee asked, turning off her iPod, and walked over to where Raven was.

"Maybe."

"Let me see!" Terra said grabbing for it.

"No way!" Raven said, quickly walking to the other side of the room.

"C'mon let us see!" Bee said as she and Terra walked out.

How this group of so-called friends hasn't murdered and devoured one another by now, I can't say...

"Like I said, No. Freak'n. Way." Raven said walking out. Terra and Bee followed her. Raven started running down the hall, with Bee and Terra close behind. She kept running down the hall. But suddenly, she reached a dead end and stopped.

The construction crew that put their dormitory together, in an ironic twist of fate, decided that they'd rather relax than continue building that corridor.

"Hah! Now we get to see what's in your diary!" Terra said. Raven was cornered by Terra and Bee, holding the small black book. Bee walked closer, about to take the book. But before she could, the three girls heard a terrified scream coming from their room.

"Kori!" Raven said as the girls ran back to their room.

"What is your target?!" demanded an angry and violent voice from behind the closed dormitory door. There was a loud thud and a cracking noise, followed by broken sobs from Kori. "Is it the Shagohod?! Or is it Sokolov?! Answer me!"

"What happened?" Bee asked as she and the other two girls rushed in. "And why is Raven's trunk open and Garfield standing in it?"

Bee: And why does he have his face buried in one of Raven's bras? And why does he have a pair of her panties wrapped around his erection? And why is he covered in KY jelly?

"Heh, heh, I thought it was Raven." Garfield said stepping out of the trunk and about to walk out.

So he must have missed that whole section above where Raven gets chased out of the room. Either that trunk is fuckin' soundproof, or he's as good at distinguishing voices as I am at finding quality, well-written fanfiction to read.

"Well….I couldn't find my Social Studies notes on the Battle of Gettysburg so I decided to check your trunk but when I opened it he came out and I screamed out of reaction!" Kori explained hastily.

Of course, her first reaction to the disappearance of her notes would be to rifle through Raven's things.

"That was pathetic." Raven said in monotone.

"I thought it was you!" Garfield repeated with a 'don't-blame-me-it-was-an-accident!' look. "But I'll get you scared if it takes the whole day!"

"You say that every year." Terra pointed out.

"But I will!"

"What's it gonna be next? Victor can't fit in the trunk." Bee said.

There's too much junk in the trunk.

"I'm not telling you! But I'll scare you Raven! I'll scare ALL of you!"

"Sure. Now get OUT OF OUR ROOM BEFORE I KILL YOU!" Raven said threateningly. Garfield quickly ran out.

"I'm gonna scare you if it's the last thing I do!" Garfield said as Raven slammed the door in his face.

"Does he really do that every year?" Bee asked.

"And not only with scaring her. He's also like obsessed with trying to make her laugh." Terra said.

It was kind of cute at first, but once he developed that nerve toxin that causes you to laugh yourself to death, the authorities kind of had to step in.

"But he fails miserably." Raven added.

"You know he only does that because he likes you Raven." Kori said.

"Go back to your textbook!" Raven snapped.

"Sheesh. You do not have to be so touchy." Kori said, but she did return to her textbook.

Like any good woman, Kori knows her place.

"She's right you know." Terra said. "I even TOLD you that he told me."

"I don't believe it. I still think that you said that so I wouldn't kill you." Raven disagreed.

"You? Kill me? Don't make me laugh."

"Fine. Be in denial. See how far in life that gets you." Bee said.

"It's gotten me very far in life so far. I have no problem with denial."

Thanks to denial, Raven has been able to fool herself into believing that there's actually a soul in the world who would want to be around her spoiled, misanthropic whiny self for longer than five minutes before taking a gun to her head.

"Now will ya'll shut up so I can listen to my iPod? I haven't shat in days."

"What, do you run on music or something?" Terra asked.

"Yes, will you stop living if you do not hear it? It is just an iPod." Kori agreed.

"Pretty much. Now will ya'll shut up so I can listen to Usher in peace?" Bee said.

Beyonce AND Usher? Well, talk about running the gamut.

"Whatever." Raven said taking out another of her books and was about to begin reading it.

"You have decided to study as well?" Kori asked.

"No way. I wouldn't study if you paid me. I'm just reading a mystery novel." Raven said as she sat on her bed.

Suddenly, Terra's trunk opened and someone who resembled a zombie appeared.

Kristen Stewart!

Kori let out a small shriek, but the others were unfazed.

"GARFIELD!" Raven yelled.

Oh come on, Raven, you saw him walk out the door. How stupid do you get?

Their door opened, and Garfield was in the doorway. "You called?"

"If he's not here, than who—" Kori started to say.

"VICTOR!" Bee yelled.

Victor did the same as Garfield. "Yeah?" He said.

I guess they were both just...hanging out beside their dorm room.

"Must be a dummy or electronically or something." Terra said but she was looking a little concerned.

"Well it can't be Speedy or Dick, they don't do that sort of stuff." Raven said.

"Let's take a look." Bee said and the girls moved closer. The zombie didn't move in the five seconds they were staring at it. Suddenly, the creature took a step out of the trunk, and the girls promptly screamed. Including Raven.

Opening its hideously-deformed mouth, the zombie gurgled a single, barely-audible word. "S.T.A.R.S..."

"Hah! Told you I'd scare you!" Garfield said in triumph.

"But you didn't do that." Raven said, her face returning to its normal bored look.

"Yes I did. Well, it was my plan. Speedy, show 'em." Garfield replied and the 'creature' took of its mask and revealed to be none other than Speedy.

"SPEEDY! You better be speedy cuz I'm so going to kill you!" Terra said as Speedy started running with Terra chasing after him.

I was wondering when they were going to make the obvious pun. Or, rather, the obvious pun that doesn't involve drug abuse.

"See! I told you I could get you scared! OH YEAH!" Garfield repeated, still in triumph.

"Now all you have to do is get her to laugh." Victor said.

"That's April Fools Day." Garfield said.

"Now I think that we should all go check to make sure Terra doesn't actually kill Speedy." Bee said.

"Agreed." Victor said, and the five started running in the direction Terra had gone.

I know that at this point I'm probably chasing windmills, but...does this chapter have any sort of purpose?

Two girls were sitting and watching TV.

"Hey Michelle did you see that tape?" One of them, whose name was Ashley asked.

"What tape?" The girl she had called Michelle asked with a confused look.

We interrupt Normal Teenage Life to bring you: Two girls, unrelated to the story, possibly friends of the author, discussing irrelevant crap that is never going to come up again.

"You know, the one about the ring, and then you get a phone call saying that you will die in seven days."

...You mean The Ring?

"I think so. Anyway, so when David and I went on this weekend trip we—"

"You and David?"

"Yeah long story."

Michelle: But if it'll satisfy your curiosity, he's hung like an elf.

"So…?"

"So we taped a game and started watching it later.

A game of StarCraft.

And then a woman came on and then the phone rang. The guy on the phone said that I will die in seven days. And today is the seventh day."

The phone rang.

"I'll go get it." Ashley said as she got up and went downstairs to get the phone, and she picked it up. "Hey mom. Yeah, everything's fine." She hung up the phone and walked upstairs. But Michelle wasn't there.

Oh, I know how this ends! It turns out that Ashley's mom is dead, and WHO WAS PHONE?!

"Michelle? Michelle?" Ashley called as she looked for her 'missing' friend. She approached the closet door and opened it.

Ashley: Oh, hello Mr. Cruise. Sorry, sorry, I didn't realize you were still in there. I'll leave you be.

Two screams were heard. One coming from Ashley on the TV screen, and the other coming from Kori

Oh, it's supposed to be the opening to The Ring.

Alright, once again, it isn't that goddamn difficult to Google "The Ring" and find out the actual names of the two girls at the start of the movie. Also, can't you find a better movie than The Ring?!


So Kori did the most reasonable thing – bury her face into the shoulder of the person next to her. She grabbed the person's arm and clung to it before burying her face into his shoulder.

Glen Quagmire looked down at Kori and grinned lasciviously. "Aaaall riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight."

And this person, well, he just happened to be Dick. And boy, Kori might not have noticed whom she clung to, but Dick sure did. It took him to a minute to realize it was actually Kori, and he wasn't dreaming.

Dick: K-Kori? Can you get up? I need to go change my pants.

Suddenly, the TV screen turned off, and the lights went on.

"What was that for?" Victor complained.

"I think we've all had enough horror for one night." Bee said from where she was standing near the light.

"What'd ya mean?" Victor said, but then he looked around at his friends.

Kori was still clinging to Dick's arm, Garfield was hiding behind Raven, and Terra and Speedy just looked in complete horror.

They were two and a half minutes into their movie marathon.

"Ooh." Victor said in understanding. "Hey Garfield, you can come out from hiding behind Raven now."

Garfield stood up, his face slightly red from embarrassment. "What do you mean? I wasn't hiding behind Raven. I was just uh—making sure Raven didn't get scared! Yeah that's it."

"I don't get scared." Raven said with a glare.

"Then explain the scream from—"

"Shut up. You were hiding behind me. I know it, you know it, the American people know it, and so do the people watching the security cameras."

"They have security cameras in here?" Kori asked with a confused look. She was no longer clinging to Dick's arm. (As he unfortunately noticed).

"Yeah they do. See, over there." Raven said pointing out the security camera (coughcough PUT THERE BY TERRA THE SPYING TRAITOR coughcough 'Scuse me folks. Bit of a cough there).

They make pills for that, I hear.

"Uh Terra? Terra? You there?" Garfield said waving his hand in front of her face, which still had a look of terror on it.

"Hmm? Yeah I'm fine." Terra said.

"K, so what time is it now?" Bee asked.

"1:30 AM." Dick answered looking at his watch.

She asked K, Dick, not you. Learn your place.

"Don't we have classes tomorrow?" Speedy asked.

"Yeah, we have them tomorrow, and Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and later this morning." Victor said.

"I don't know about the rest of you guys, but I'm going back the dorms to get some sleep." Garfield said as he yawned and walked out.

"We should all get some sleep." Dick said.

"Just make sure ya'll don't have any nightmares!" Victor said.

"Yeah, seven days…" Terra whispered in a spooky voice.

"Make sure the phone doesn't ring!" Speedy said.

Throw it out the window, just to be on the safe side.

The phone in the common room (or rec room or w/e you wanna call it) rang.

"You guys wanna get it?" Dick asked.

"Not really." Kori said, a slight tremor in her voice.

"I'll put it on speaker." Bee said pressing a button.

"Hello?" Raven said.

"Seven days…you will all die in seven days…" A creaky voice said.

Kori once again grabbed someone's arm out of fear. This time though it happened to be Speedy's.

She could tell because of all the pockmarks from all the needles he'd stuck in there over the years.

"Uh Kori?" He said.

"Oh! Sorry Speedy!" Kori said as she let go.

Terra, the only one who didn't seem scared, opened the door. And standing outside was Garfield, making a call on the payphone in the hall.

With a chill, they realized that he was simply putting a call in to Samantha Spanky's House of Mischief, like he did every night.

"GAFIELD!" She yelled as Garfield started running, with Terra chasing after him.

DAMN YOU GAFIELD!

"Does she always chase people around? Is it like a hobby or something?" Bee asked.

Oh, that's just lazy writing, Bee. You get used to it.

"Hey, the girl's gotta do something." Victor said.

"Does not everyone have to do something?"

"Well I don't think everyone has to do something." Bee argued.

Yeah! It's sexist to think that everybody needs to have a hobby--a social more held in place by the male-dominated phallocentric establishment!

"Can we not debate this at this ungodly hour?" Raven said.

"She has a point. And I said it before and I'll say it again, we should all get some sleep." Dick said.

This story has an odd habit of starting out with one topic, then suddenly lapsing into a tangent that goes on for about a quarter of the chapter, before suddenly (and without warning) going right back to where it started. It's beautifully circular, but more to the point, annoying as all hell, and I want it to stop this goddamn second.

"G'night." Bee yawned as she left.

"What about Terra and Garfield?" Speedy asked.

"They'll come back sooner or later, as soon as Terra tires out. And that should be about ten minutes from now." Victor said.

"Unless she gets to Garfield first." Speedy said.

"Let him worry about it." Bee said as they walked out of the building.

The bonds of their friendship are forged harder than the mightiest of swords.

The girls went one way, and the boys another.

Neither was interested in the other.

Halloween was over. Well, technically it had been over an hour and a half ago, but you know what I mean.

"One more thing for next year guys." Victor said.

"What?" Speedy asked.

"Don't rent 'The Ring'."

Rent RENT. It's a thousand times as terrifying.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 07:13 AM


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Al_Cone


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post Aug 16 2010, 11:26 PM
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"--You keep mentioning extenuating circumstances," Wilson interrupted the chattering woman on the other end of the cordless phone, his grit teeth skewing the tone of his voice. "There are none."

The voice exploded into irate fury, and Wilson pressed his hand to his forehead, tightly clenching his eyes shut. "Your son was found masturbating over a fellow student as she slept, in flagrant violation of our sexual harassment policy, and that is not defensible behavior, no matter what exception you claim he's entitled to. Sixty days' suspension, 3:00 curfew and being barred from extracurricular activities for the rest of the academic year are far less than he deserves. He's frankly very lucky that he didn't get the book thrown at him."

The door to Wilson's office opened a crack, and Revolver Ocelot stuck his head in. He looked at Wilson, seated behind his grand mahogany desk, and raised an eyebrow. Wilson met his gaze, shook his head and gestured for Ocelot to sit.

"...Yes, yes, I'm aware--" He sighed irritably as the angry parent once again interrupted him, shrieking in a voice so loud and piercing that Ocelot winced as he sat in the char in front of Wilson's desk. "You're more than welcome to take whatever legal action you wish against us," Wilson replied acidly, not bothering to hide his distaste for the parent. "Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Well, I'll see you in court too, Mrs. Ikari."

Wilson slammed the phone down and groaned mightily, burying his face in his hands. "Trouble at the office?" Ocelot asked.

"Just another madly-protective parent trying to dismiss the behavior of a disturbed little bastard," Wilson mumbled into his hands. "I don't know why I bother with these kids sometimes." He peeked up at Ocelot. "Do you?"

"Because it's for the greater good," Ocelot said, propping his heels up on Wilson's desk and ignoring the sharp glare he drew from the principal. "At least, that's how I cope with everything I do, genocidal or otherwise."

"Mm." Wilson pulled his face away from his hands, eying Ocelot's feet warily. The way his spurs dug into the wooden surface of the desk was particularly vexing. "You wiped those before coming in, yes?"

"New pair," Ocelot grinned. "Figured they needed breaking in. Don't worry, there's minimal crap on them. Or there ought to be, anyway."

"I suppose that'll have to do," Wilson sighed, reaching into a desk drawer for a rag and some Pledge. "Did you have something to say?"

"I do," Ocelot said. Wilson shoved Ocelot's feet off the table, and began spraying down the afflicted area with lemon-scented Pledge, grimacing at the scratch marks that Ocelot's spurs had left. "Should I wait until you're done being a freak before I spring it on you?"

"No, you can start now," Wilson said, somewhat distracted by his task. He'd need to get a carpenter to take care of those scratches.

"I've been doing some digging," Ocelot said in a hushed voice, leaning forward. Wilson slowed his wiping, glancing back up from the desk at Ocelot. "On two fronts, actually. The Pain and the drug runner."

"Speedy," Wilson supplied, returning to his work.

"That's one name for him," Ocelot conceded. "Although men in his line of work tend to have multiple aliases. Made him a bitch to muckrake over, though."

"Nothing on the terrorist though?" Wilson asked. He leaned down to sniff at the spot he'd just cleaned. Lemony fresh. He smiled.

"To be honest, I haven't started looking yet," Ocelot admitted. "The other two are a little closer to home, and I don't know if my connections in the Middle East would be willing to give me what I wanted. But," he said eagerly, "I've learned quite a bit about our other two friends. Which do you want to hear first?"

"Uh..." Wilson placed the Pledge back in the desk drawer and began folding the rag. "The Pain, I suppose."

"Well," Ocelot explained, "I think I've learned how he's able to fool so many people into buying the illusion."

"The six-foot-tall black girl illusion?" Wilson asked, sitting back in his desk.

"Is there any other?" Ocelot asked rhetorically. He raised his feet to place them back on the desk. Wilson glared sternly at him. This time, Ocelot obeyed and lowered them back to the ground. "Apparently, he's been breeding a special strain of hornet with a venomous sting."

"Hornets already have a venomous sting, don't they?" Wilson asked.

"Indeed they do," Ocelot answered, "but this one's got special properties. Psychotropic properties."

Wilson raised his remaining eyebrow (he periodically shaved the one over his lost eye, for the sake of symmetry). Ocelot clarified. "When stung, the victim will be lulled into a mild sort of trance. The trance doesn't seem to impact their personalities, or everyday behaviors, in any noticeable fashion, but it does cause some hallucination on their part, namely towards The Pain."

"They perceive him as a six-foot-tall black girl," Wilson guessed.

Ocelot smiled. "Exacto."

"So why haven't we been affected?" Wilson asked. "Nanomachines?"

Ocelot shrugged. "Eh. Seems as likely as anything else."

"Okay, so that's one thing," Wilson said, resting his arms on his desk. "Helpful, though it'd be nice to know why he's doing it in the first place."

"Give me time; I'm still looking into it," Ocelot assured him. "But I've got some concrete info on the other guy. Speedy, he's calling himself these days."

"He's got other aliases?" Wilson asked.

"Like I said, men in his business tend to have multiple. None of them are relevant though." Ocelot waved a hand dismissively, then reached into his coat and pulled out a file folder, which he tossed onto Wilson's desk.

Wilson reached for the folder, examining it closely. On its front cover was a logo--an octagonal symbol, where four lines--two white, two red--stretched from the border to the center, tapering into conical segments the closer they got. He looked back up at Ocelot. "Umbrella? The pharmaceutical corporation? I thought they went bankrupt years ago."

"Elements of the company still exist," Ocelot said. "Though their influence is far less than it used to be. People don't tend to trust folks who turn other folks into zombies. People're funny like that."

Wilson sifted through the folder's contents, wrinkling his nose at what he read. "Which certainly begs the question of why anybody would agree to move a product for them. Especially something called 'Volxemortserum.'"

"Money," Ocelot guessed. "Some people just don't have any scruples." At Wilson's smarmy glare, he flushed. "Shut your mouth."

"I didn't say anything," Wilson chuckled, pulling another paper from the folder. "Ah. This looks...interesting."

Ocelot watched as Wilson read, noting with great curiosity the gradual shift in his demeanor. There was a powerful tension about him as he read the paper. What's he getting so worked up about? Did I miss something in there?

Wilson suddenly shoved away from the desk and stood, striding towards the coat rack in the office's corner. "I need to leave right away."

"What?" Ocelot rose from his chair as well, meeting him at the coat rack. "Why? Where?"

"Chicago," Wilson said tersely. "I need to track down the last man they contacted to move this drug. He might be able to tell me just what's so special about it." He wrapped his coat around his shoulders and shoved his arms through the sleeves. "I need you, in the meantime, to keep a sharp eye on those kids. No, not just the kids--the school."

Ocelot gaped at Wilson as he moved towards the door. "You're...leaving me in charge of Jefferson?"

"I see no problem with this," Wilson said, opening the door. "Besides, it's Halloween. Not much to worry about today." He paused as a thought suddenly occurred to him. "Then again, it might look odd if the principal were to leave suddenly at the start of the school week..."

Ocelot snapped his fingers. "Just tell 'em that you're giving them Halloween off. They're too stupid to realize that they'd have it off anyway, it being a Sunday and all."

Wilson grinned. "And that's why I keep you around, Adam. I should only be gone a couple of days, anyway. Wish me luck." He closed the door behind him and moved away rapidly.

Ocelot smiled contentedly at the authority of his new position, sliding into Wilson's vacated seat. He sighed happily.

The intercom buzzed, startling him. "Mr...er, Ocelot?" Wilson's secretary asked. "I don't know why Mr. Wilson bypassed Mr. C, but...well, Mrs. Ikari's on line one, and she's insistent that she speak with you."

The intercom fell silent. Ocelot reached for the phone, picked up the receiver, and pressed a button on the phone. "Your son," he said, slowly and clearly, "will be shot in the head, and the world will be a better place for it."

And before the shocked mother could get a retort in, Ocelot shut the phone off and placed it back on its receiver. He cracked his knuckles, reclined in the cushy office chair and smiled. "This is going to be an excellent week."

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 28 2011, 12:12 PM


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DraculaMarth


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post Aug 17 2010, 08:01 AM
I didn't think it was possible to take Normal Teenage Life and turn it into something worth reading, but you did.


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No one sucks my cock, I forbid it!


QUOTE (Howlitzer)
He'll be missing a melon and a head when a nigga gets the munchies. Y'all white folks better hold me back


QUOTE (TigerOfThunder2013 @ Jul 14 2013, 10:09 PM) *
Go kill yourself DraculaMarth! No one wants you here. I was here to defend a story. Not deal with shitty people.

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 2nd September 2014 - 01:06 AM