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> Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares
Post #201

Constant yelling

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From: Japenis
Member No.: 438
Gender: Female

post Jul 5 2011, 08:21 PM

Heh, I bet you're just as delicious to the other senses, heheh. wink.gif

So, food AND masochism? Knockin' down two fetishes at own, huh, handsome?

You know, when I called you sweetcheeks and sugarbuns, I didn't know you'd take it so...literally. wink.gif


Gah! What happened? Why do I feel abnormally perverse? And why does my mind autocorrect the name "Al" with food related nicknames?

This post has been edited by oneluckyduck: Jul 5 2011, 08:22 PM

"I was getting all pumped for hot pizza bondage and cocaine action"

Wikisay: We have weird Wikipedia quotes. Feel free to submit!
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Post #202


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post Jul 6 2011, 05:15 AM
You know, on the subject of that whole Burger King adventure, it's funny that Queenie will have her characters talk about how wrong it is to judge people and then turn around and write random people into her story to talk about how creepy they are just because they have a lazy eye or wear too much makeup or something.

Besides, everyone knows that hot dogs are made from 100% Grade-A koala meat (That might explain why we haven't seen our friend Chewy in a while...)

Oh, by the way, if that pancake batter is still giving you a hard time, Al, a little maple syrup ought to help soothe those burns on your dangalang. Personal experience. wink.gif

This post has been edited by Qmark: Jul 6 2011, 05:52 AM

"It's not enough that I succeed. Others must fail."
-Mandy, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy

Current Mocks:

Wolfon Chronicles: The Pursuit -Group mock with Felloffalot, Rhadamanthus, SegaServ, and FrostOverlord (and a plethora of special guests!)

Elemental Three (Solo mock) (Permanent Hiatus)

The Choice (Co-mock with Rhadamanthus)
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Post #203

Ramming You Lethally

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post Jul 6 2011, 01:58 PM
"Demon"... for fuck's sake. Even I would have pushed him in a locker, and I'm not even a bully.
Speaking of unlikable characters: Everyone in this entire damn fanfic!

QUOTE (oneluckyduck @ Jul 6 2011, 06:21 AM)
Heh, I bet you're just as delicious to the other senses, heheh. wink.gif

So, food AND masochism? Knockin' down two fetishes at own, huh, handsome?

You know, when I called you sweetcheeks and sugarbuns, I didn't know you'd take it so...literally. wink.gif

Holy crap, I must be rubbing off on you.

Gah! What happened? Why do I feel abnormally perverse?

Attached Image

I have had a vision. It has been revealed to me by the secret chiefs of the world that I am sexier than Buddha and harder than Jesus. I cannot die.
Joan (requesting my drawings): I'LL PAY YOU
Paragon: I will literally pay you in oral sex if you go on a call and sing that entire song [Little Girls by Oingo Boingo] for us and record it
Scream: Welp guess its my turn to owe Max a IOU blowjob
Paragon: I think Max is rapidly becoming the new pimp of PA
Shane: Max for realest nigga of 2013
TigerEyes: No means yes and yes means anal.
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Post #204

Constant yelling

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From: Japenis
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post Jul 7 2011, 03:00 PM
Yep, you are definitely one of the leading causes of my third alternate personalities.

"I was getting all pumped for hot pizza bondage and cocaine action"

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Post #205

That's right, Susan!
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post Jul 13 2011, 09:06 PM
This is a hard chapter to grade. On one hand, it succeeds where the previous chapter failed by being driven by a self-contained story, being less of a series of unrelated vignettes and more of a single plot thread being carried throughout the chapter. There's also a fight sequence towards the end that, surprisingly, is handled pretty competently.

On the other hand, it's a chapter of Normal Teenage Life, which automatically makes it the greater of two evils when stacked against death by boomerang off a cliff.


Chapter 24: Welcome To The Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School 2005 Science Fair

Original Japanese Title: "WHAT IS BOTTLE???" Infinite Pleasure at the Science Fair!!!

"I'm giving back what you gave me, I don't need anything.

"I'm Bear Grylls, motherfucker."

I knew it all a lie, you're so predictable. I knew something would go wrong... (Something's always wrong...).

"I'm a hypochondriac, motherfucker."

So you don't have to call, or say anything at all. You're so predictable... (So predictable...) Now everywhere I go, everyone I meet, every time I try to fall in love, they all want to know why I'm so broken.

The Ballad of the Lovelorn China Teapot.

Why I am I so cold, why I'm so hard inside. Why am I scared? What am I afraid of?

I'm glad that you feel open enough to come to me with these questions, Normal Teenage Life, but you really ought to be saving them for your therapist.

I don't even know---"

Raven grumbled that morning as she slammed her hand on the alarm clock. 'Stupid song. Okay, so it wasn't stupid...but...oh WAIT, I have to get up now---'

Raven: Blasted Viagra; it's never there when I really need it!

"Er...Raven, what's wrong...you seem..." Bee started to say.

"Off...?" Kori supplied reluctantly.

"Do you know what today is?" Raven said in monotone, which she only used in subjects she liked to avoid, and when she was bored.

And when she was happy, sad, sleepy, depressed, hungry, horny, facetious, off her rocker--the point that I'm trying to make is that Raven is always monotone.

"Uh----Monday?" Terra mumbled getting up.

Bee shuddered. "Don't remind me."

Sorry, The Pain. It's too late in the story to even try to convince me that you're actually Garfield the Cat.

"Well yes, but it's May. May second to be exact. The school year is almost over." Raven sighed.

Terra looked very excited. "YES!"

At the mention of the end of the school year, Bee tensed up and started to take an extreme, unusual fascination with the way the ceiling was designed.

Bee: Holy shit! This is the best fucking ceiling I have ever been exposed to in my life! Wowie wowie zowie, have you seen that drywall? Goddamn! This is professional quality stuff; who did this?! Where's my camera; I need to get a picture of that bitch, because hot damn is it glorious! No, fuck the camera; I can't wait. I simply have to feel it pressed against my bare skin! Kori! Where's my ladder?!

Kori was the only one who didn't have a reaction. "So?"

"You wouldn't get it. I've got issues with endings. Go figure." Raven answered then got up and started sorting out what to wear today.

She didn't bother putting on any pants, though. Raven's issues with endings extend to the dressing process.

"Issues with endings? Really..." Terra said rolling her eyes slightly, but her voice gave away That she found it interesting.

To borrow relevant a line from the source material: "Statistically, someone has to."

"That would not be the only reason wrong. What else?" Kori asked.

"I don't know. I have just have a bad feeling about the end of this year."

"Bad feeling? What do you mean?"

"I don't know who, what, when, where, or why. I just know."


The booming laugh of Disembodied Voice reverberated throughout the school.

"Hey, Bee, what do you think of this navy skirt?" Raven asked, changing the subject, holding up a rather long, it went down to Raven's toes, navy blue, flowy sort of skirt.

I think that if you're going to wear something that drags along the ground like that, you'd better have the number of a damn good dry cleaner, but that's why you're not asking my opinion, isn't it?

"Well---I think it looks like you just arrived from the 60's." Bee answered, trying not to insult it.

Yeah, go ahead and offend Raven by suggesting that she's a hairy-legged hippy. As long as the skirt's feelings are spared, because that's what's really important.

This should go without saying by now, but I'm not being sarcastic; I really care more about the skirt than I do about Raven.

"No really? I mean, do you think it goes with this?" Raven inquired holding up a shirt.

"Yeah, but why you'd want to wear that is beyond me."

"You'll see later."

The thrilling outfit-picking scene from the action-packed twenty-fourth chapter of the non-stop thrill-ride that is Normal Teenage Life!

This chapter is thirty-seven pages long.

"Oh shit!" Terra exclaimed wide-eyed.

"What?" Kori responded.

"Nothing---I gotta go." Terra mumbled running out of the dorm.

Terra's almost as well known for her fecal incontinence as she is for committing matricide.

I always go towards the poo and murder jokes with Normal Teenage Life; why is that?

"Five...four...three...two...one." Bee counted off.

"I HAVE TO GET DRESSED FIRST!" Terra exclaimed running back in, still in her pajamas. "I think I'll wear this pink necklace." She said, taking a pink choker necklace out of her jewelry box.

Pink? In RAVEN'S dorm room?! Why don't you straighten your hair and buy a Juicy sweatshirt while you're at it, you prep?!

"That's really nice." Bee commented.



Wow. Queenie actually bored the story to sleep.

"Not really...it's normal for me..." A red-haired boy said.

"Kyo-kun! That's---a leek onigiri!" The brunette standing next to him in an apron pointed out.


"Er...um...it's for the festival. I was doing research for the suprise onigiri and---"

Aboard the Starship Enterprise, Commander Data turned away from his console to face Captain Picard. "Sir, sensors are detecting incredible levels of weeaboo in this chapter. According to long-range scanners, it is nearly two hundred percent more sugoii desu ne than previous chapters."

"What 'cha reading Kori?" Dick asked that day at lunch, peering over her shoulder.

"Hmm?" Kori blinked, pulling away from the erm---'book' she was reading. "Oh it's Fruits Basket."

She's only reading it because Lucky*Star won't be released in America for another four years.

"Fruits Basket? Is that even correct English?" Garfield asked.

"Since when do you care about correct English?" Victor wondered outloud.

"Good point."

For comparison's sake, Victor thinks that Africa is a country ruled by a singer, and that hot dogs are made of schnauzer.

"Why is it backwards?" Terra asked wrenching the book from Kori's hands.

"Do not take my things like that." Kori said testily taking the book back. "And it is not backwards, that is the traditional style for Japanese comics."

Uh, I believe those are called "manga," Kori. What kind of weeaboo are you? Baka gaijin roundeye...

"Right. I knew that...eh, guys, I've got somewhere to go..." Terra exclaimed, running off somewhere.

"Sure you did." Raven muttered.

Shut up, Raven. How many times have you or any of your other damn weiner friends simply disappeared for no reason, without any explanation as to where you were going or your whereabouts during your absence? More than I can count. Someone else wants to pull that retarded plot device out of their ass, I say let them. At least this time, it'll eventually have a pay-off, as weak as it's bound to be.

"Yo, Gar, what'd you get on your report card? I heard they delivered them this morning and ya had to pick them up in ya box." Victor asked, referring to the mailbox that each student gets for things like report cards.

Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School: Where Kindergarten never ends!

"Are you serious? God I forgot again!" Garfield exclaimed running out of the dining hall.

"Did the rest of you guys get yours?" Raven asked holding up hers. "I did pretty good if I do say so myself."

Raven: Incidentally, do you guys have any mouthwash that I could borrow?

"How'd you do Dick?" Bee inquired.

"Overall average was 100." Dick said simply.

"100? Damn, boy, you like a freakn genius! God..."

So the boy who, earlier in the year, struggled to string simple sentences together somehow managed to get a perfect grade point average. Think you could share that mouthwash, Raven?

"It's nothing. It's only one point higher than Kori's..."

"99? Ya'll mean to say that you're overall average was 99?" Victor asked in shock, and Kori nodded. "You two make a guy feel incredibly stupid..."

Oh, Victor, that shouldn't make you feel stupid. The fact that you're stupid should.

"Why, what was yours?" Bee wondered outloud again.

"90...What about you?"

"93. HAH! In your face. What about you Raven?"

"90." Raven answered simply, avoiding the subject by putting her iPod earphones in and turning it on, the iPod that is. (Echm...not that it's my grade point average this quarter at all, no don't be ridiculous!)

Having an A- GPA is just plain awful.

Why are all of the characters--including the ones established to be borderline vegetative in their intellects--suddenly supergeniuses with high-level GPAs?

Soon after that, Garfield came running back. "I HAVE IT!" He exclaimed holding up an envalope. (How do you spell that?)

So Queenie's word processor can render "that" as "That" in any and all instances of its use, but it can't spellcheck the word "envelope" for her. This is why you don't buy American computers.

"I'll take that!" Speedy replied snatching it away so he and Victor could get a better look at it. They tore the envalope open quite viciously and ripped the report 'card', as it was called, out, despite the fact that in reality it was a piece of paper, and not a card at all.

Victor drove himself to madness trying to figure out this incongruity.

"Wow Gar...you actually got higher than me! Well, in some classes...but still, WHAT HORRIBLE CURSE HAPPENED?" Victor exclaimed loudly. "Math...85...Social Studies...89...Language Arts 88...Science...93...93 in SCIENCE? God what have you been doing to get such a high grade?

Don't worry folks. Plenty of mouthwash to go around.

Gym...95...well that's normal...Band...god I'm glad I'm not in band...91...Spanish...89...and Writing Workshop...88. Dude...what happened, you're like...smart...!"

Maybe it's all the Volxemortserum.

"You need to question my genius nature?" Garfield asked rhetorically taking a pose to make him look 'smarter'.

Thus literally making him a poser.

"You're not serious are you?" Speedy asked.

"Garfield can't be serious." Terra responded as she finally returned.


Guys, I think there's a wasp nest in this chapter.

"And then the epicenter of the earthquake can be determined by the difference of the arrival times of the P and the S waves..." The science teacher droned on as everyone copied down notes while trying to stay awake. There was nothing boring about earthquakes,

Yes, the method of determining the epicenter of an earthquake sounds absolutely thrilling.

but the way this teacher taught it...well, it could put anyone to sleep.
Garfield's eyelids drooped as he slowly fell asleep...well...almost. That is, until Speedy poked him---hard---with a pen. "Yowch! Sheesh what was that for?"

Speedy needed a blood sample to check for midichlorians. How else could Garfield have gotten such outrageous grades?

"You're falling asleep." Speedy replied.

"No really Captain Obvious."

"Yeah, but we've got regents in a month."

Garfield shuddered. "Don't remind me."

Garfield hates it when a monarchy is ruled by somebody besides the monarch.

"Is there anything you two gentlemen would like to tell the class?" The teacher, Mr. Hanley droned to the two boys.

"Um..." "Well..." They tried to explain, but were fortunately saved by the bell---or in this case a knock on the door, which happened.

As previously established. As a reminder, there was a knock on the door. It happened. Still with me? Any questions so far? Good; pop quiz. Fill in the blank: "There was a _____ on the ____."

"Yes yes, come in!"

The door opened, and a very timid seventh grader stepped in. (If only the seventh graders at my school were like that instead of the pushy people they are...well most of them)

Queenie's school is dominated by roving gangs of BB gun-wielding seventh graders on razor scooters.

"Um...Ms. Sandler sent me here to remind the juniors about the science fair." She squeaked and quickly ran out.

Human Fluttershy needs to butch the fuck up.

"Ah yes...I must remind you that the science fair is drawing closer, now you all have those packets I handed out a month ago?"

"Yes..." The class droned in monotone.

Those packets contain their assigned weapons. Jefferson Co-Ed is about to become the latest participant in the Battle Royal program.

"Right. Now, I'm just calling to remind you that its not that far away."

"It's over a MONTH AWAY!" A girl named Karen Callahan exclaimed loudly.

Is there some reason that characters in this story feel the need to loudly interrupt all the time? I'd call it a running gag, but I don't think that it's being done intentionally.

"And you should have started on your projects already." He continued as if Karen had never spoken.

"What are you doing again?" Speedy asked.

"I'm working with Victor on the 'effects of different virus programs with Internet explorer.'" Garfield explained rather lamely.

I'm sure the Jefferson faculty won't at all mind that you're infecting their computers with viruses and worms for the sake of your fucking science fair project.

No, seriously. They won't mind at all. Fucking Mendoza.

"Which translates to that Victor's doing the project and you're just there to record it all?"

"Pretty much. What're you doing?"

"Just something with plants and soil..."

He provided his own soil.

"Good thing you're not doing something with animals. That is not right at all...animal testing I mean."

dragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballzdragon ballz

Kori awoke one Saturday morning to find a white lab mouse staring at her in the face. She bolted upward, screaming, the mouse flying off her bed.

Mouse: Well, good morning to you too, bitch. Nice face, by the way; more craters on that thing than there are on the moon.

"WHY IS THERE A MOUSE IN HERE!" She screeched. Bee moved quickly and caught the mouse.

"Please refrain from trying to kill my science fair experiment!" She exclaimed, panicking, making sure her test subject wasn't injured.

"Why are you testing on animals! That is so wrong!" Terra exclaimed.

Why can't you do your science fair project on something nice and peaceful, like murdering your parents?!

"Oh god please tell me you didn't get Terra started on her animal rights rant." Raven moaned, she too getting up. "AND BEFORE 10 AM!"

What's that? Terra? Yeah, she was always an animal rights activist. Remember all those times earlier in the story where she championed the cause of animal rights?

I hate this fanfic.

"Eh, I thought that was Garfield...?" Bee asked in confusion.

"Yeah, normally it is. But for some reason she has issues with testing on animals."


Nice going, Bee. Now she's going to launch a McCarthey-inspired campaign to weed out all the animal testers at the school.

Raven gave her a look that said, 'Yeah right'. "I'm doing it on the moon. Remember?"

Excerpt from the scientific journal of Raven Sabel (DO NOT STEAL OR READ. THIS MEANS YOU, TERRA):

"It is an empirical fact that the moon is made out of cheese. The only question that remains is what kind of cheese. After careful study, I have formulated a hypothesis that the moon is composed primarily of gouda, with trace amounts of mozzarella forming the upper mantle. This experiment will determine if this hypothesis is accurate, or if further testing is required."

"What about you?" Terra added, glaring at Kori.

"Gas stations!"

"Gas stations?"

"Gas stations."

"Gas stations?"

"Gas stations."

"Gas stations?"

"Gas stations."

"Gas stations?"

Oh, great. She's stuck in an endless data loop, and she's an idiot.[/farnsworth]

"TERRA! We get the point! She's doing gas stations and how it affects the soil around them! Will you stop that!" Bee exclaimed.

Yeah, how could you not figure that out from the eight line exchange of "Gas stations? Gas stations."? Simpleton.

"And what are you doing anyway Ms. Activist?"

"Uh---I uh---well uh---"

"Do you even know what you're doing?"

"Of course I know what I'm doing! I just have to figure out what it is first!"

Bee anime sweat drop hits Gizmo "So you don't know what you're doing?"


"Do you realize that the science fair is a month away?" Raven pointed out.



This is how Queenie remembers her ABCs.

About three weeks later, on one Sunday afternoon, the girls were working on their project in the girl's common room. The science fair was drawing nearer, and everyone had to get started on their tri-fold boards, which were going to be used as a visual aide for the project.

You know, after sixth grade, I thought that I would never be troubled with mandatory science fair projects ever again for as long as I lived.

Then Normal Teenage Life happened.

Most of the girls were supposidly working on it in their rooms, better for privacy and concentration, or at least that's what our main female characters though. They were working in the common room for more space. Well----almost all of them.

That paragraph contradicted itself so often that I have no idea what exactly is going on with who or where.

"Terra, you really should get started on your project, the science fair is a week away." Kori reminded her.

Terra, however, preferred to just veg (a term which in case you don't know, means to relax...be lazy, you know) around.

Terra goes hardcore when she veges, however. She actually morphs halfway into a cucumber. Has to fend off Garfield with a halberd.

"Nah, it's not a big deal. I'll get it done."

"How exactly do you intend to do so?"

"I just can."

Terra: I'm Bear Grylls, motherfucker.

"Kori leave her alone, you know you can't get through to her. Besides, more supplies for us to use." Raven interrupted the conversation as she glued on her title to the tri-fold board, adding the finishing touches to her board.

"Yo Rae, I have to borrow the glue. I need to attach this picture." Bee exclaimed holding up a picture of something.

Perfect cover, Bee. Now breathe deep that sweet Elmer's smell and lose yourself in a world of imagination and wonder.

"Umm...why are you gluing a computer generated image of a mouse from a classic cartoon show?" Kori asked in a confused voice.

"What the----?"

"She said, what the hell are you puttin a picture of Jerry the mouse from Tom and Jerry?" Terra translated.

Ironically, the foreigner who doesn't know what fucking holidays her religion celebrates has a better grasp of the English language than Bee.

"Oh, cuz I'm doin mice and I wanted to show pictures of famous mice."

"Um...yes...I understand..." Kori replied in a tone That indicated she thought it was rather stupid.

But then again, Kori thinks that Fruits Basket is literary brilliance.

"Bee, this is the last bit of the glue that I just used." Raven responded to Bee's long-ago-said statement.

"WHAT? Are you serious? I will not be able to finish this without glue! I HAVE TO GET THIS DONE!" Bee exclaimed loudly.

Not like you can just get more glue or anything. Where do you think you are, a school?

"I thought it was due Thursday?" Terra inquired.

"NO, it's due Monday, and I have to study for that major Math test, then I've got a Social Studies project to do and--"

What happened to the science fair being "a week away?" Now it's due on Monday all of a sudden? When does this chapter take place, relative to the science fair?

"WAIT, if you have all that to do then how come we don't too?" Raven interrupted.

"Cuz Kori always does everything ahead of time, Terra never does anything, and Raven doesn't study for math, and she did just finished her SS project!"

Raven was an active and willing participant in the Night of the Long Knives.

"Yep I did." Raven said in what would be perceived to be a proud voice, if her friends hadn't known any better. But then she realized Bee's problem. "Oh god. She's right."

I don't even know what's going on anymore. There's, what, a time bomb?

"What do we do?" Kori said in a slightly panicked voice. She did not like unfinished projects. Especially when they were due tomorrow. "We have a very bad prob--oh WAIT. We don't have a problem."

Kori: We'll just murder everybody at school. Problem solved!

Terra: Hey, you've been reading my diary again, haven't you?!

"AND WHY IS THAT?" Bee asked, completely panicked. Normally, she wouldn't be so panicked over a school project. Well, this case was an exception. Why you may ask? Because their Science teacher had decided to be particularly evil, and wasn't accepting any boards if they were late or unfinished.

A teacher who demands prompt, completed work? Who refuses to unfairly give credit for work that is neither of those things?! Evil! Devil! Rotten to the core! He and Wilson are in cahoots, I tell you! Cahoots!

In other words, if it wasn't handed in tomorrow, it mean zero. And did I mention That it was 45 of their final grade? Yeah. So not so good.

The problem could be solved simply by doing the work well, completing it and handing it in on time, but why sweat the small stuff? Much easier to blame your shortcomings on the educators with the astoundingly fair grading criteria than to actually do your work right.

"Because I have some extra glue for my manga projects when I make comic books!"

"Kori Anderson Presents: SUPERKYOTO (Original concept DO NOT STEAL)"

"YOU DO?" Bee said, acting so excited even Kori was a tad afraid. "THAT WOULD BE SO GREAT!"

"Umm...yes...I am wondering though, perhaps you could...I believe the term is...back off?"

Kori: Or need I remind you that I am deathly allergic to hornet sti*THUD*

Bee regained her sanity and calmed down. "What? Oh yeah!" She laughed turning a bit red.

"I shall get it!" Kori exclaimed happily running upstairs.

"I hope she has some..." Raven muttered under her breath.

I can't believe that none of these idiots have thought to just go to the art room and use the school's glue.

Or to run out and buy more glue.

"Yo Terra, do ya think you could be a little less helpful?" Bee commented sarcastically.

Terra, who was still lounging on the couch, still remained there.

Queenie should really have thought twice before paying Mojo Jojo to ghostwrite.

"Well, it might be hard but I think I'll try."

"You will have to get that done sometime or another." Raven insisted.

"Yeah...I guess I will. Eh, I'll be back later. I'm goin to the room." Terra decided, getting up and going upstairs, obviously to her dorm to start her project.

Terra's going to test the impact of an axe blade to the back of Raven's skull.

A few minutes later, Kori came back, however, without the glue she should have had, but instead with a frantic look on her face.

"What's wrong?" Raven asked, immediately concerned. If people were angry, sad, whatever, any sort of negative emotion, Raven got this tight feeling in her stomach that didn't go away til the problem was solved.

That somehow manages to make Raven's character even more selfish.

Also, stop introducing character quirks and saying that they were there all along. We're twenty four chapters in. I know these characters already. They're all selfish, ignorant bastards without any redeeming value to them.

"Yeah, and where's the glue?" Bee added, her frantic attitude returning, the level of tension in the room rising.

"I could not find any! What shall we do? Without glue we will not be able to finish the project and if we do not finish the project we will not be able to pass the project and if we do not pass the project we shall fail the quarter and if we do that then---" Kori started to say, both very quickly and very very very panicky.

Once, Kori's shoes came undone in the middle of gym class. The resulting panic attack necessitated an ambulance's arrival on the scene.

"WOAH! Kori calm down!" Raven exclaimed interrupting. "You have to chill."

"But she's right! WE CAN'T FAIL!" Bee agreed.

Bee: Who's up for a suicide pact?

"Just go out and get some glue."

"There is a thunder storm out, lightning, and pouring rain. Might I mention a flood warning. Oh yeah, we're gonna go out to CVS. Might I mention we don't have a car either?"

Umbrellas don't exist in Normal Teenage Life.

Or buses.

Or carpools.

"Then get Victor's car." Raven suggested.

"HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET TO THE BOYS?" Kori yelled out, finally saying something else.

Raven was growing very frustrated. "You know there's this really amazing invention. It's called phones."

You're all stupid, and Raven is your queen.

With that, Bee brightened up significantly, anime sweatdrop appearing for a second or so. "Ah yes. I forgot about that..." She whipped a cellphone out of her Coach bag. (She's not a J.A.P./Prep. She's just in with the latest styles.)

That's totally different from being a prep. People are only preps if Queenie says so. What are you talking about? That's not arbitrary nit-picking nepotism at all.

"I thought that cellphones do not work during storms?" Kori queried.

"Yo, my mom paid for special service, I get it during storms." Bee announced proudly.

Oh right, I forgot that this is 2005, when cell phones were made from stone knives and bearskins.

"I thought it had to do with the satellite---you know never mind." Raven decided. She was not in the mood to be confused.

Ironically, Raven's book of the week was Finnegan's Wake.

"Right." Kori said, understanding for some reason. "Do you remember Victor's number?"

"How could I forget?" Bee answered smugly. "It's 1-415-586-2320."


"Yeah, why?"

"Well it's just unusual, because 2320 would translate to VS in letter terms, which is his initials."

It could also translate to "bear." Maybe he's a furry.

Both Bee and Raven looked at her in amazement. "How do you know that?" Raven asked in disbelief.

To that, Kori gained an innocent look. "Why doesn't everyone?"

Kori hath telekinesis.

"Sure...I'm just gonna call Victor..." Bee responded, giving Kori a slightly disturbed look dialing the numbers. "...ringing...ringing...ringing...ringing...Ah there we go. 'Ello Victor. Mm-hm...'CUZ I'VE GOT SPECIAL SERVICE WHAT'D YA THINK YA DOUGH-HEAD!...OH really?...Then please, tell me how YOU are using the phone..."

Landlines don't exist in Normal Teenage Life either.

"I believe that Bee is scaring me." Kori said.

"Join the club." Raven answered.

Holding a conversation with somebody over the phone is terrifying to the people around you. Why? Trust me, you do NOT want to know.

"...Is that so?" Bee continued. "...Well I don't care if it's not working, that's why I called your room phone...

...wait, they have room phones? They have a landline? Bee's room has a landline?! Then why didn't you just use that and spare all the bullshit about "LOL HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GET RECEPTION IN A STORM"?!

what'd I want?...What do you think I called for?...NO GARFIELD I DID NOT CALL TO PRACTICE MY SPANISH! Victor, turn off the speaker phone...you did?...Good. Okay. Now I need ya to let me use your car..."

The reaction to that was so loud That Bee had to hold the phone away from her, and even Kori and Raven heard it.


He has the same problem with taking it to the car wash.



Victor acquired that nickname after his appearance on To Catch a Predator.

DO NOT YELL THAT LOUD INTO THE PHONE! YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME DEAF?" Bee yelled into the phone, then put it back to her ear. "Well I don't care, we need to get glue...what do we need it for? What do you think, the tri-fold board is due tomorrow ya moron!..."

No. It's due Monday. Unless Monday is the following day, in which case, why not say "it's due tomorrow" and not "it's due Monday"?

For a few minutes, Bee was silent, then she continued speaking. "Are you sure?...Really?...HAH! Hold on a minute." She turned to the other girls. "Ya'll will never guess what. The tri-fold board isn't due until next Monday!"


"Really?" Kori asked with a smile of relief.

"That's good for you and Kori." Raven nodded.

Bee grinned at the two and turned back to the phone. "Well no, that's it...NO! I don't need the car anymore...Well what did I need you for...? Well how would I know!...I thought--...well yes but---...they told me...WILL YOU LET ME TALK! I thought it was due Monday! Don't blame me!... You didn't finish your project either? Well how is that my fault?...No I do not care what you have to do...Come over here?...Sure, what, do you think you need my permission to venture out into the storm...go if you want...and if you come here do not expect to come in here dripping wet...well...BRING AN UMBRELLA!" Bee exclaimed, hanging up the phone.

Victor hung up on her minutes ago. She's having this argument with herself.

"Umm...what just happened?" Kori asked, still oblivious and confused.

"The boys are bored out of their minds so they're coming here."

"Joy..." Raven muttered. "What are we supposed to do?"

I'm still keen on the suicide pact.

"What we always do,

Try to take over the world!

whatever we come up with, or just hang."

Fortunately, lynch mob club meets every Sunday.

"Lovely. I'm going off to get my iPod." Raven announced getting up and walking to her room.

Raven's desire for music outweighs the struggle that she'll have to go through to get her headphones in.

"I guess we just wait." Kori shrugged.

Meanwhile, -----


Meanwhile, some hyphens flew innocently down the road. Meanwhile,

Raven was walking down the hallway on the second floor---her floor.

Just hers. Nobody else's.

The upperclassman, the 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th graders, also known as the freshman, sophmore and seniors had this building, and the upper two floors were devoted to rooming, and the 1st floor was was devoted to well---the common room.

When has information like this ever been vital to the story? Never, that's when. Moving on.

Yes, the buildings were rather small, but don't forget they're small population. The rest of the school's population---well the girls that is---you know, the fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth graders had one more building, but it had three floors, as the younger grades had a smaller group.

Cramming four classes into one building, that sort of makes sense. Cramming five, however, does not, no matter how "small" the number of students. Unless you mean to tell me that there's one fourth grader, and he gets a room all to himself. That just seems like a ridiculous waste of space.

Of course, there were certain rules in the girls dorms, not many that you couldn't imagine for something like this...no pets in the dorms, no boys in the dorms after 10 P.M. for the upperclassman,

Co-ed orgies need to wind down by nine-thirty.

and the eighth graders, and for everyone else it was 9 PM, don't leave anything in the microwave (in the common room) unattended, you know the drill.

Common sense rules like "no drugs" and "no stashing murder victims under the beds," however, were not enforced.

Right, so Raven was walking along the junior dorm hallway, where she heard most of the girls relaxing, seeing as it was a rainy, lazy day, and since the project wasn't due until next Monday, as she just found out, no one had any reason to work on it.

Since good grades are handed out as freely as jell-o shots at a frat party, nobody ever has to work for any of their grades. You can be a lazy, disembrained moron and still coast through school. Teachers at Jefferson care that little.

Many doors were open, yet when Raven walked toward hers, it was closed. Which was odd.

It's like a metaphor for Raven's entire future.

If Terra had gone to work on her project, she would have had to door open, which always indicates that someone is in there, unless of course someone's showering, or something private is going on, which Raven knew neither was going on.

Usually, Terra hangs up her "do not disturb" sign when she's disposing of a corpse.

Raven opened the door, and didn't find anyone in her room. Strange. Very strange.
Raven shrugged, deciding that she could care less, got her iPod, and left the room, closing the door on the way out. As she walked down the hallway again, this time heading back towards the common room, she walked past a group of preps,

Whoops, looks like the building's infested. Only way for Raven to clear them out now is to burn it to the ground.

and bumped into a blonde girl. She looked slightly familiar to Raven, but they were sort of surrounding each other so Raven was unable to get a good look. Not that she cared, they were all alike...the preps that is.

Raven is so stupid and prejudiced that she could stand face-to-face with someone she intimately knows and wouldn't be able to tell who it was because she had the same hair color as some other girls in the room.

They were heading in her direction, but they went too quickly for her to specify the exact people in the group.

What, was it a roving gang of Sonic the Hedgehogs? Who the hell moves that quickly?

Now to head down to the common room...(This next bit may seem rather pointless, but trust me on this one, it shall be important later on)

You know, Dakari-King Mykan literally doesn't know what subtlety means. What do you suppose Queenie's excuse for her failure to foreshadow subtly was?


Raven returned to the common room, and found that the boys were already there, and they already planned something to do.

Dick: ...and then when she tries to run, we shoot both her kneecaps out and--oh, Raven! We were just talking about you!

Suddenly, a great echo was heard, and people in the boys dorms on the other side of the campus heard a voice going,


"YOU'RE PLAYING WHAT?" Raven screeched.

"Truth, Dare, or Bottle." Bee said simply.

It's like Truth or Dare, but with more alcohol consumption.

"What is that anyway?" Garfield asked.

"Where did you get that idea?" Raven asked in horror.

"Simple. I was reading one of your stories on the laptop---now Raven you let me. In the story, they played this and I think it sounds fun. I believe the author was...the Legal Sun Moon Chewing Lizard or something." Kori explained.

Ah yes, the great Chumash author. Winner of nine Pulitzers, don'tcha know.

"You mean IllegalDayNightSnappingIguana?" Raven said, eyes wide.

I don't know what's sadder: That somebody could make that their penname and not get laughed out of the country, or that Raven actually has it memorized.

'I remember that story from the site. It was very good, and they've obviously changed it a bit, but still...WHY THAT GAME?'

"Yes, that."

"So how do we play this?" Victor said reluctantly. "Do we even have to play some stupid truth or dare game?"

Victor doesn't need truth or dare to score with women. Hell, he doesn't even need consent.

"First of all, it's not some stupid Truth or Dare game. It's Truth, Dare, or Bottle.

The bottle makes it completely different.

Very simple. You pick truth, dare, or bottle. Second of all, I'm sure it'll relieve any stress from the science fair." Bee explained as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"Uh--right. What's bottle?" Speedy asked.

"You'll find out.

Not like you should tell everybody the rules of the game before they play.

So everyone sit in a circle." Bee explained, and they did so. "Okay, so I'll start."

"How do we determine the order?" Kori asked sweetly.

"We ask the person to our..." Bee started to answer, then made some gesturing motions to herself, and finished. "Right. Yes. That's it. The person to your right."

"So you ask...me?" Victor inquired reluctantly.

To that, Bee smiled wide. "Yep. Alright, so let's start...Oh Rae, stop grumbling.

That's a lost cause there, Bee.

Anyway, Victor, truth, dare, or bottle?"


"Lovely." Bee responded, still smiling. "Okay, we'll be right back."

Bee's ridiculously circuitous ingenious plan to score with Victor is now two-thirds complete.

"But what about---?"

"Just sit. Kori, Rae, c'mon." Bee answered and the two rose and followed her off somewhere. A couple of minutes later, they returned with a medium sized bowl, but the boys were unable to see the contents of it.

Hey now, I was just joking about there being no anti-drug rule in the dorms.

"Uh...what's in there?" Garfield asked reluctantly.

"WHY ARE YOU SCARED? I BET I'M THE ONE WHO HAS TO EAT IT!" Victor yelled in reply.

"Bingo." Bee replied, putting the bowl down in front of Victor. It was a very lumpy, yellowish-red color with some white in it.

Bee: This came out of me earlier today. I think it's that fetus from the early chapters.

"I'm afraid to ask, but what's in that?" Speedy wondered.

"Well---are you sure you wish to know?" Kori replied.

"Yeah..." Dick answered, not really sure if he actually did want to know.

"Marshmellows, ketchup, cold chicken soup, cold ramen, chopped apples, hot sauce and popcorn." Raven explained so they could get this over with.

I wonder the concoction in the story that this was plagiarized from brilliantly inspired by had the same composition.

"And I have to eat that...?" (Guess who said that. No really, guess. VICTOR, DUH!)

I wish there was a helpful author's note like that every time a quote went without being attributed to anybody.

"Pretty much..."

"Dig in." Bee laughed tossing him a spoon.


What? What happened to "zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz"?

"Oh god...that was so nasty...are you sure that's all you put in there...?" Victor
mumbled, both hands clutching his stomach.

"And there was some vinegar in it as well." Kori added.

You couldn't have done him a favor and dumped in a half a bottle of Pepto-Bismol too?

"I hate you..." Victor said to Bee through his gagging.

"I know." Bee said with a triumphant smile. "Now that was fun, wasn't it?"

Food poisoning is hilarious!

"Not really...do any of ya'll happen to have anything I could take?"

"We couldn't find any of that, but we got some chocolate." Raven responded, handing him a candy bar.

Raven is going to have a hell of a time pursuing her career as an EMT. "The patient is flatlining! Quick, get me twenty CCs of Ovaltine!"

"You mean you brought it out of your secret stash!" Bee laughed.

"SSHHH! IT'S SECRET!" Raven hissed in reply.

(Well, I don't want to get into Garfield, so let's go on)

It'd probably be something lame like "I dare you to marry a carrot," or something like that.

That's funny because Garfield is a vegan.

"Raven, it's your turn now." Dick said with a small smile. This really was entertaining.

When the alternative is lopping your toes off out of boredom, I suppose anything can be entertaining.

"Lovely." Raven rolled her eyes.

"Okay, so truth, dare, or bottle?" Garfield asked, hoping for her to pick one in particular.

Garfield hasn't realized that "oral sex" isn't an option.

"Uh...I don't know, dare." She replied casually, thinking, c'mon, it's GARFIELD, what could he possibly think of.

"Okay, promise you won't back down?"

"Well duh."

"So what you have to do is walk into Brittney Williams room dressed in all pink, and say, 'Like, I'm such a total stupid prep! OMG!' like a valley girl." Garfield explained.

I'm pretty sure that this constitutes a hate crime.

The entire group sat in shock. Not only because Garfield thought of something good,

He hadn't, of course.

but because Raven---well we know all about Raven and her hatred of preps.

"You are not serious." Bee commented, snorting with laughter.

"Yeah, I am." Garfield chuckled.

"But I don't own anything pink, and Kori's stuff doesn't fit me." Raven pointed out logically goffikaly.

"Oh, you serious?" Victor said disappointedly. "Aww, but I always wanted to see Raven do that!"

Now it was everyone's turn to stare at Victor. "Why...?" Speedy wondered outloud.

"I don't know, it would have been fun."

That's Victor's ultimate sex fantasy.

"Since that doesn't work, on to Kori." Raven said, happy she may get out of it.

Why not just wear something pink around your forehead? Besides which, I'm sure that Kori owns something that'd fit on Raven. What I'm saying is that she shouldn't get out of this so easily because I hate her.

"Okay!" Kori said in a perky voice.

"So, Truth, Dare, or Bottle?"

"Well, I am curious to what this, 'bottle' is, since Bee never informed me what it was, so I believe I choose that!"

No, you fool! Now you have to swallow an entire bottle of antidepressants! That's really more up Raven's alley.

"Lovely..." Raven muttered. "Bee, since you are the genius who thought of this game, please enlighten Kori to it's meaning."

"Bottle, as in, Spin the Bottle." Bee explained simply.

"What is bottle


and why are we spinning it?" Kori asked, her naiivety showing through.

"She's never played that? Or heard of it?" Bee whispered to Victor.

"Nah...go figure." Victor whispered back.

"It's umm...well..." Dick started to explain, but found he couldn't. "Well, Raven why don't you explain it?" He asked, shooting Raven a pleading look.

Somehow, watching a bunch of teenagers puberty their way through life is far less entertaining than I thought that it would be.

"Sure. Whatever. Kori, Spin the bottle is when you sit in a circle with Speedy, Victor, Dick, and Garfield. Then, you place a bottle of some sort in the middle of the circle, and you spin it. Whomever the bottle faces after it stops you have to kiss." Raven explained, rolling her eyes at the last bit. 'Stupid game...'

Raven: Why can't the person slit the wrists of whoever the bottle lands on?

"Oh..." Kori said, voice faultering slightly as she quickly looked at the boys. "I suppose that is...okay. But does anyone have a bottle?"

"I've got a coke bottle!" Bee exclaimed, holding up one. "It's full, but I don't think it matters."

Unless you're planning to drink it later.

So, they did as Bee instructed, Kori with the rest of the boys in a circle, coke bottle in the middle. Kori did as instructed, and the bottle began to spin...and spin...and spin...and slowed down...got slower...and slower...

Say what you will about Normal Teenage Life; you won't find a story with as exciting a description of inertia outside of this one.

until...it...stopped, and faced...drum roll please...



Nah, because that would introduce actual tension into the narrative. And we can't have something interesting like that.

It faced...our own Mr. Grayson. Which if you can't figure out who that is, you haven't been paying attention.

Is it just me, or is the narration in this chapter more condescending than usual?

With the outcome, Kori's worries of having to kiss Speedy vanished, and she grew much happier. As instructed in the correct conduct of the game, Kori got up, and walked over to him, and well, kissed him!

Six million shippers creamed themselves simultaneously. There were no survivors.

Both turned significantly redder. I mean, sure, they were going out, but they preferred to do their kissing behind closed doors, thank you very much.

Behold, the most action that any character in this story is ever going to get.

"Okay, Dick, so which of the following do you pick, Truth, Dare, or Bottle?" Kori asked brightly as she returned to her place on the floor.

"Uh...Dare." Dick answered. Definitely not truth for him...he had many secrets, and he'd like to keep it that way.

Despite having tongued her into the next century, Dick still hasn't admitted to liking Kori.

"Okay." Kori responded with an evil grin rarely seen. "Well, here's what you have to do." She said as she began to explain the dare.


Is the story talking in its sleep?

"Do I really have to do this?" Dick moaned standing on the junior girls' hallway with black socks on his hands and bunny ears on his head.

"Yes." Kori giggled.

What was he instructed to do? Well, as the author sits here laughing hysterically until she can't breath and must stop so she can live, you shall soon find out.

Thirty. Seven. Pages. Of non-content.

"Alright..." Dick replied reluctantly as he began to walk into the dorm room.

"WAIT!" Garfield exclaimed. "Ya forgot the video camera!"

"I don't have my video camera, it's not up there. I looked." Bee pointed out. "Dick, get on with it."

"Yeah..." He gulped as he opened the door and stepped into the room.

"OH DICK!" Kitten exclaimed as he walked into her room and hugged him. "I AM SO HAPPY THAT YOU CAME!

It's not because it's Dick, specifically, that she's happy to see. She's just been feeling so neglected by the story pretending that she doesn't exist that anybody interacting with her is a cause for celebration.

Wait..." She stopped as she let go. "Why are you here?"

"Uh...to sing you a song!" Dick imporvised lamely.

"Okay!" Kitten said sitting down on her excruciatingly neon pink bed, but Dick hesitated for a few minutes. "Well, what are you waiting for, start!"

"Your funeral..." Dick murmured, and...well...he began...Queenie laughs so hysterically that you'd think she'd gone crazy...again, but don't worry, she's stil with you...

Is Dick going to detonate a suicide vest?




...Somehow, that was significantly less fulfilling than advertised.

After that absolutely horrific moment, Dick ran out and went back to his group, as Kitten ran up to the door and slammed it shut, yelling something about stupid pranks..

"Well that was excruciatingly embarrasing, even if it was Kitten." Dick commented.

The others however, could not say anything, as they were rolling on the floor laughing. Quite literally. Even Raven, was laughing. But c'mon, you had to laugh at that.

Am I being coerced?! I don't need to laugh at anything if I don't want to, dammit!

"THAT WAS HYSTERICAL!" Bee managed to choke out.

"I have to admit it was. Serious, confident, respectable Richard Grayson...singing a song about warm fuzzies with black socks on his hands. Priceless I tell you, pure gold. Too bad no one had a video camera." Raven added.

Unless there's a massive turnaround in the final pages of the chapter, I'm going to predict that it will somehow manage to have even less content than the last despite being even longer.

"Well now that that's over, let's move on." Dick said as they got back to the common room, his previous..."costume", if you could call it that, had been discarded. "Speedy, I believe it's your turn. What is it again? Yeah, truth, dare, or...bottle..."

"This ones easy," Speedy answered giving Kori a quick look. "Bottle all the way."

"Great..." Dick moaned.

So, as done before, well, almost like it, Speedy got into a circle, except this time with Kori, Bee, and Raven. The bottle was spun by Speedy, similarly as before. It spun, and spun...and slowed...down...until...it...landed...facing...

:author gulps at the horror she is about to do:

Queenie was saving Warren Beatty for herself.



Yes, I am afraid, I am serious. Raven.

The bottle stopped facing Raven. Raven, who immediately looked as if she was about to choke to death and die. To have to kiss Speedy...would be...a nightmare for her. Most of them starte laughing hysterically. Garfield included.

GanXingba: Garfield, don't you have a crush on Raven?

Garfield: I do, GanXingba, but if I acknowledge that part of my character, then the entire joke falls apart!

Which Raven noticed.

Speedy, well, he didn't care whom he was kissing as long as it was someone, didn't mind.

He would have settled for Garfield, even.

So he walked over and...

Due to the horrid nature of what is about to happen, I must change the channel to the always loved, yet deathly boring...time channel

What the--

:changes channel:

Announcer: It is now 9:42 and three seconds. It is now 9:42 and four seconds. It is now 9:42 and five seconds. It is now 9:42 and six---

And here I thought the koala was the absolute worst gag in this story.

Ah there we go.

:changes channel back:

Raven, turning red as a tomato, and tried to appear as small as she could. Speedy enjoyed himself quite well, but I'm telling you, right now, Raven really wished that they didn't have to play this stupid game.

"Will someone remind me WHY we had to play this stupid game?" Raven moaned.

See? What did I tell you! Aren't I genius? I must have ESP or something!

Queenie hath telekinesis.

"Because it gives us something to do since we cannot go out due to the storm and Victor not wanting his car to be wet." Kori said happily.

Victor's face, looked very panicked, and he suddenly stood up very quickly. "Oh god. Oh god oh holy crap."

"What is it?" Bee asked in a concerned voice.

Victor: I forgot to tape the new episode of General Hospital!

"MY CAR! IT'S OUT IN THE RAIN!" Victor cried, rushing out of the building without an umbrella. Seconds later he came rushing back in, soaking wet, grabbed his umbrella and ran back out.

"Stupid car..."

You tell 'em, Disembodied Voice.

"Yo, guys, we'd better go help 'em." Speedy suggested.

"But this was fun and--" Garfield started to protest, but he was elbowed rather hard by Dick, and changed his sentence. "I mean uh, yeah, let's go!"

If only all sentences in this story went that way.

So, unfortunately for the girls, who had actually found something to do, the rest of the boys ran after Victor through the door, grabbing umbrellas as they went.


This must be X's archrival.

"Yo Rae, you're doing that moon project, right?" Bee asked the morning of the science fair.

"I've been doing the project for a month and you don't even know what I'm doing?" Raven answered.

Raven's shocked that there's somebody in the world who doesn't pay painfully close attention to her daily doings.

"Rae, she is merely asking you a question." Kori scolded.

"Yeah, why?" Raven muttered through gritted teeth. Best not to get Kori angry in the morning.

"Nothing...it's just, you think that this blouse would go great for someone who's doing something like the moon? It's all flowy and you could wear your crescent earrings and that navy skirt of yours." Bee answered with happiness holding up a white blouse with long flowy sleeves. Sort of matched with Raven's navy skirt, as it looked from the 60's.

Oh fucking great; we've fallen into a time vortex and the chapter's starting all over again.

"You're kidding right?" Terra asked. "Do you really think that Raven is going to co-ordinate her outfit with her project?"

"For once, I'm inclined to agree with Terra." Raven groaned. "I am not doing that. I'm going with an all-dark color outfit, just like always." Raven exclaimed in disbelief.

Variety is for preps.

"Can't blame a girl for trying."

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Jul 13 2011, 09:07 PM
Bee shrugged, slightly put down, going through the closet for something to match with that blouse. If Raven wouldn't wear it, then she would.

Despite them being two completely different clothing sizes and body types.

"What do you think I should wear?" Kori asked brightly.

Bee bit her lip and looked at Kori. "Weeellll---hmm...try that pink-and-black horizontal striped top, the jean mini skirt, and those pink sandals with the pink flower."

Why couldn't this be interrupted by the Time Channel?!

"Okay!" Kori said brightly. Bee was much happier now. She (Kori), always liked to see people happy.

Unless they were preps.

"Actually, you know that pink necklace of Terra's would look really good with that..." Bee added.

With that, Terra's eyes lit up with slight panic. "What p-pink necklac-ce?"

Is that pronounced "neck-LA-chey?

"You know, the choker one."

"I uh--I lost it like, in April." Terra muttered quickly.

Did this chapter start in April? Because that was the first time she started wearing the necklace. That's either an internal consistency problem, or Terra is remarkably stupid for forgetting that, and her friends are all ridiculously stupid for buying her explanation nevertheless.

Probably all three.

"That's too bad, it was really nice."


This is a fanfic, Queenie, not StarFox. You can't do a barrel roll.

"Are you nervous?" Bee asked Terra as she and the rest of her group walked to the auditorium where most of the school was now for the science fair. It was crowded, and anything could happen. Well---almost.

Nothing interesting could happen.

"It's the science fair. I'm bored already." Terra rolled her eyes.

"This is not fair..." Kori murmured looking at the layout of where everyone was supposed to go.

I guess they'd better start calling it...the SCIENCE UNFAIR!!!

"What is it?" Dick asked.

"None of us are near each other! Everyone is separated!"

Be a real shame if you have to set up your science fair project next to somebody who you do not share a bedroom with.

"That's not a big deal. Distance never mattered with us." Victor pointed out.

During the year, they lived in so many different places during the year.

During the story, I've identified so many ridiculous sentences during the story. But during the story, that one takes the cake, during the year. Hits Gizmo. Man around those parts. Snacktron.

They all had come to this boarding school...through different ways. But that's not important, now.

Well, then shut up about it.

Dick lived in a nearby city, Bee lived in the famed New York City, Speedy from New Jersey, Victor came from Chicago, Kori, well she used to be from Israel, but then she moved to Montana. Raven was from Salem, Massechusetts, Garfield was from North Carolina, and Terra from Cleveland.

Ah, that explains her treachery. She comes from the same stock as Kellen Winslow Jr.

"We'd better get to our places though. The sooner we get judged, the sooner we can all meet up." Raven advised.

And judge other people.

Bee nodded, picked up a nearby booklet, and figured out where she was, walking towards it. "Ah...who'm I next to?...Oh...Suzume Hokkaido and...Josh Richaron...oh shit this isn't gonna be good." Bee moaned, remembering that the two were a recent ex-couple.

This story is advertising the hell out of Richaron, and I don't understand why.

"Uh---hi Suzume!" Bee said with a weak smile. "Hey Josh..."

"Hey." Suzume muttered in a low voice, glaring at Josh, who was already there.

"Hi." Josh said in a low voice, glaring at Suzume.

For a school which allegedly has so few students, it sure does like to create new ones to throw at the reader constantly.

"This is not going to be easy..." Bee muttered, leaning up against the table.

"So you did the moon, hm?" Someone said to Raven.

Raven looked up from her thoughts to face whatever student had taken an interest in her project. She looked up and saw Demon, the asshole from math class.

What do you want to bet that Demon's real name is something stupid, like Ephraim or Leor?

"Ah lovely, the vampire." Raven replied sarcastically. "And yes, I did do the moon.

Raven: And no, I didn't call it in the morning. Because that's just how this bird flies, D-man.

That---oh WAIT that's werewolves, though you probably know a couple of those, right?"

Demon's red eyes flashed angrily. "Last time I checked I didn't know any werewolves."

"Then go re-check."

"I think I'd rather not."

"You'd better. You'll never know when the werewolf would bite you."

"I don't know any werewolves." Demon snarled, teeth baring.

Raven gave him a bored look. "Baring your fangs? What are you a dog? I'm not going to cower in fear of you, if that's what you expect."

You know that you suck when even Raven is scoring on you.

"Whatever. Do you really think I came here to have a conversation with you? I'm interested in the project. That's why I'm looking at it."


"Duckie for you." Raven said, stepping aside so he could get a better look at the tri-fold board.

"Duckie for you?" Is that a Land Before Time reference? Does Raven get Littlefoot?

"And you do realize you didn't deny being a vampire."

"If I was a vampire, then how would I be out in sunlight."

He said as his skin shimmered with the light of a thousand sweat-shaped diamonds.

"Maybe you're not dead then. There's such thing as a living vamp you know."

"I. Am. Not. A. Vampire." Demon said firmly, temper growing thin.

Any second now, he's going to start pouting.

"Tsk tsk tsk, rather temperamental aren't we?"

He continued to look at her board for awhile before replying. "Your conclusion is wrong." Demon answered simply.

Demon: Moon's made out of Swiss cheese, not gouda. Isn't that kind of obvious though?

Before, Raven could reply, a very loud scream, recognized as Suzume's, was heard. "YOU---YOU! HOW CAN YOU BE SO RIDICULOUSLY SEXIST! YOU CHAUVANISTIC PIG! YOU CAN JUST GO--GO---SHUT UP! SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

I say it's Suzume's fault for expecting empathy from an emotionless robot.

"Well she's loud..." Raven muttered.

"Your conclusion is wrong." Demon repeated, but this time walking out of sight, disappearing in the crowd. He headed off towards where the screams were heard, and found a large crowd surronding where Bee's, Josh's, and Suzume's boards. And trust me on this one, they weren't just admiring their hard work.

Why, that would imply hard work on either of their parts.

Raven grumbled. "My conclusion is not wrong. I hope I get judged soon...I'm bored."
She sat there, waiting...and about five or seven minutes later, she saw Bee running up to her with a frantic look on her face.

"What's wrong?" Raven asked immediately.



"Who's fighting? About what? And why will they kill your board?"

"Josh and Demon! Demon came over when Suzume started yelling at Josh, who apparently has issues with Demon, so they started fighting! They're really sparring and they're gonna break my board before it gets judged! I spent SIX HOURS ON IT!"

I don't like this new, cowardly iteration of The Pain.

"And how can I stop them?" Raven mused.

"I don't know! Get the others!"

Bee: We women are far too feeble to fight our own battles. Best to summon the men to solve our problems for us!

"What's going on?" Victor asked coming over.

"Where did you come from?" Raven asked, very confused.

Muffin button.

"I saw Bee come over here, screaming about something, so I came over here." Victor explained, which caused Bee to cough quite a bit, saying something that sounded like "...stalker..."

"What about the others?"

"Haven't gotten judged yet."

"So can you help?" Bee pleaded.

"What's the problem?" Victor asked, and the two girls quickly explained it to him, "Oh, that? That's simple. I can help."

This being a prep school and all, Demon and Richaron are easily intimidated by a black person. Any black person would do. You could stick Urkel in front of them and they'd wilt.

"C'mon!" Bee exclaimed, grabbing onto Victor's wrist and dragging him towards her board, Raven trailing after.

They reached the crowd and managed to push through it. Victor, instead of
attempting to break them up, merely stood there and watched,

Way to go, Victor. That's making yourself useful.

while Bee rushed up to her board, took it, and ran back to her respective spot. Raven, well she as well was watching, interested.

I don't understand why Victor was needed for this. Nor why Bee was so worried if it was just a simple matter of her ducking in and picking up her board.

She analyzed people,

I cannot stress how sick I am of that phrase.

and most of her grade she knew a lot about. Josh, as she had seen before, was not very fond of getting into fights, he was more the lone wolf sort of thing. Demon, on the other hand, had a sort temper, and would react with force whenever necessary.

Seventeen and a half ass-whoopings later, he had yet to learn that he was as useful in a fight as a rubber chicken.

This, she decided, was going to be interesting. Especially considering that Josh was a known martial artist, and Demon...well he was just a bit of a bully, and rather scary at that.

...So Josh is a known martial artist who is not much of a fighter. When the story presents conflicting information like that, I think it just sort of cancels out.

Josh aimed a roundhouse kick at Demon. In response, Demon ducked, grabbed Josh's leg, and sent him rolling across the floor. He took the initiative, leaping up into the air over Josh’s body. Josh rolled out of the way, then sweeped Demon's legs out from under him.

This is what it is being described as.

This is what it is actually like.

Who are you going to believe? Me, or the story?

He rolled out of the way of another kick and jumped back up to his feet. Josh pressed his advantage, assaulting Demon with a flurry of kicks and punches, all of which Demon deftly blocked and returned with equal skill.

Demon has a blackbelt in wuss-fu.

This continued until the two combatants locked each other hands in a test of strength. They pushed against each other with all their might, but neither could get a definitive advantage over the other. Demon ended the test by nailing Josh with a low blow, followed by an uppercut, flipping him backwards onto the hard gym floor.

Where's the ref? Where's the ref?! Don't tell me he didn't see that!

"How predictable." Raven muttered.

Raven knows that the self-insertion characters are automatically at an advantage. It's the only reason she hasn't been expelled yet.

At least something interesting actually happened, for once. That tepid fight scene alone makes this the best chapter yet.

"You know, I'm surprised that the teachers haven't come up here yet." Someone exclaimed.

"They probably think it's some great project." Another answered.

Someone and Another, the modern-day Abbott and Costello!

"That will teach you." Demon muttered to Josh, who quickly stood up.

"Teach me what? To make sure I beat you again?" Josh replied with a sneer.

Seeing that another fight was about to erupt, Victor quickly interveined.

Well, what was he doing during the first one? Building remote controls?

"Alright ya'll, fight's over." Victor said, making sure the two boys were a fair distance apart. He then began to 'shoo' everyone away. "Alright, nothing to see here, get away ya'll, get back to your own stupid projects..." Slowly but surely, the crowd disappeared into nothingness,

Trans-dimensional teleportation must have been a popular science fair project that year.

each person going back to their respective projects.

"Get away from me jock." Josh hissed, walking away.

"You didn't need to intervene." Demon snapped, aggravated as well, walking away in the opposite direction.

All the way on the other side of the gym, Kori was getting judged on her project. Well...not quite yet.

Then don't say that she was getting judged on her project!

"So when are you gonna get judged?" Victor asked.

"I wish I knew..." Kori answered, sighing. "You are all so lucky That you were judged. I hope I can just get it over with."

"Why the rush?" Bee asked.

"I do not like public speaking. Or even presenting. I get very nervous and do horribly."

Oh, don't worry about it Kori. Just do what Nigel Thornberry does!

"I'm sure you'll do fine." Dick reassured her.

"I hope so..." Kori responded, biting her lip a bit.

"Eh, look, it's a judge comin over here.

As obvious as the obvious joke is, had it been included in this chapter, it would make all thirty-seven pages completely worth sitting through. I guess Queenie exhausted her ability to write interesting, compelling literature with that fight scene up there.

C'mon guys, let's go let Kori be judged so she can relax." Victor announced ushering everyone a small distance away.

"So what's your project all about?" One of the teachers ---all the teachers were doing the judging--- asked.

Kori absolutely hated, and I mean, hated public speaking. Or more so...presenting. She always got awfully nervous and started speaking quickly and--

"Miss? What's your project about?" The judge repeated.

"Well umm...you see...it's that...once...well um..." Kori stuttered. She looked around, maybe for one of her friends, and caught Dick's eye, who in reply gave her a small smile that seemed to boost Kori's confidence significantly.

"What is your project about exactly?" The question was repeated, but the judge grew impatient.

You'd think that teachers at Jefferson Co-Ed, of all places, would be more patient with a special needs student.

Kori took a deep breath. "Well you see, a gas station contains high amounts of oil and such, which when they come in contact with an environment, often destroy it.

Unfortunately, Kori's judge was an English teacher, who quickly began docking points for her poor word choice and improper verb conjugation.

So, the question was, is the soil around gas stations any different then in say, a park? My experiment was..."

And Kori went on, explaining the project, it's contents, the experiment, et cetera, et cetera.

But we CAN take the time to describe, in excruciating detail, every single outfit that every single character wants to wear, or is wearing. That's vital to the narrative, after all. That's what people want to read about.

In fairness, I really don't care about gas station soil either. It just bugs me when information that is pertinent (if only to the story) is glossed over, but shit that could not possibly be important in any context (Raven's wardrobe) is agonized over.

"She's gonna do fine." Bee reassured the group as they turned away from Kori and her presentation, and began to talk about other things, just to well---not all stare and Kori and give her more pressure. Suddenly, Bee noticed that Victor was staring. At her. In um---an inappropriate place.

Victor just now noticed girls developing.

So, in response, she snapped her fingers angrily in front of his face. "My face is up here, boy! Keep your wandering eyes away from me!" She hissed.

"WHAT?" Victor whined desprately.

"You know what."

"No I don't!"

"Yes you do. Now quit acting like Speedy and keep ya eyes looking above the shoulders."

Poor dope; Victor has a hair fetish.

"Where is Speedy anyway?" Garfield asked.

"I dunno..." Dick answered.

Speaking of Speedy...what was going on with him? Well, let's go check out what's going on by Speedy's board. "So...what exactly did you do?" A girl with shoulder length, curly, auburn hair and jade eyes with specks of ginger and cholcolate asked.

How does one get "cholcolate" in their eyes? Bad hand/eye coordination? Well, she IS a fanfiction author...

"The effects of soil on carrot growth." Speedy answered, eyeing the girl. "You're Missa O'Connelley, right?" To Speedy, she was pretty hot...and filled out in all the right places. (Queenie muttered, "Sicko...")

Finding a woman attractive. Teenage girls never have perverse lust for people based soley on their physical attributes!

No way, never!

"Yeah, I'm---wait. C--c--a--a--r---rrrr--ots?" Missa stuttered, fear forming in her eyes.


"I'M A LACHANAOPHIC!" Missa squealed, and started panicking, gesturing wildly to the carrots on Speedy's board. (Lachanaopia is a fear of vegetables.)

Some kids are really committed to not eating their broccoli.

"It'll be okay Missa...it'll be okay." Missa's nearby friend, Sherry Keaton reassured her.


"C'mon Missa...lets go get you some chocolate..." Sherry exclaimed, prepared to lead her away.

Yeah, who needs vegetables anyway? Stuff more chocolate down your throat, and to hell with lettuce and cauliflower! I'm sure you'll have absolutely no health problems later in life from your horrible choice in diet!

"Wait!" Speedy exclaimed desprately. "I'll take the carrots down!"

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Missa shrieked as she saw um...Speedy looking. "YOU PERVERT!"

Peeling those carrots with your eyes. You sick, sick bastard!

"I didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did!"

"No I---"

"Let's just go..." Sherry groaned.

"YOU ARE SUCH A PERVERT! I'M CALLING THE MOB ON YOU!" Missa continued to yell, taking out a cellphone as Sherry dragged her away.

I hardly think that involving the Mafia is proportionate retribution to a guy eying your girl zone. Truthfully, if your body is as disfigured as your choice in diet would suggest, you ought to be thankful that some boy, somewhere, finds you pretty enough to ogle.

"Hullo." An Asian girl with with small, red, square-lensed glasses and apple-red streaks in her dark hair said.

It's Rita Z. Vanderbilt! She's gotten facial alteration surgery, switched glasses prescriptions and dyed her hair!

"Uh...hi..." Speedy asked, eyeing her, 'I HATE BOYS' charm bracelet.

"Hey honey, your old man's home! How was your day at school?"

"Get out of here, you filthy BOY!"

"Alright, well, dinner's in ten. I brought home your favorite!"

"Rot in hell, you masculine gorilla! Why couldn't I have been born via artificial insemination?! I just had to come out of a boy's weewee!

"You're Speedy, right? Speedy Harper?"


"Ah yes, I've been looking for you. The judges want to see you outside. Something about a trophy."

The judges.

"Really?" Speedy replied, eyes lighting up. Not waiting for a reply, he ran out of the gym, not noticing the Asian's snickers or smug look on her face.

Way to outsmart a cartoon, you smooth operator you.

When he got outside, he did not find the judges as he had expected, but a group of angry girls. Very angry girls. With weapons. Some with machetes, some with firestaffs, and some with flaming pitchforks. It took Speedy a couple of minutes for realization to sink in.

I'm impressed. It took me even longer than that for the horrors of Realization to subside. GODDAMN TIMELINE MUSICAL CHAIRS I SWEAR TO GOD CRUNCHER...!

"OH GOD IT'S YOU GIRLS AGAIN!" He yelled, about to run.

"Well yes, I have to confess it is." A girl named Annie Potter laughed.

Aaaaahhhh! It's the gender-swapped Mary-Sue version of Harry Potter!

"CHHAAARGE! WHILE THE PRINCIPAL IS BUSY AT THE FAIRE!" Queenie yelled, and they just did that.

Mendoza skipped out on the science projects so that he could attend Ye Olde Renaissance Pleasure Faire.

Why did he perform so daring a feat of negligence? Because his name is not Slade Wilson. That's why.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Speedy yelled rather pathetically, running down the hallways, the mob following him closeby. He headed down a corner, and---

Realizing that he had no other alternative, Speedy turned back to the mob, drew a stiletto from his pocket and held it towards them, gripping it for dear life. Thankfully, the mob was not used to resistance, and so the sight of a scrawny boy with a knife terrified them to the point where they were carried away by the tidal force of their own urine.

In the gym, Raven heard strange shrieks and screams coming from somewhere outside the gym.


Starting to think that my bug zapper's malfunctioning...

'And the vampire lunged at me, that strangled cry rising again as the stench of fetid breath rose in my nostils and the clawlike fingers cut into the very fur of my cape.

I guess Demon really did get sick of Raven's bullshit.

What follows are two paragraphs of Anne Rice. I don't know why they're in there; I'd call it padding, but then, what was the rest of the chapter? Vital information? But they're very, very long and take up unnecessary space.

Incidentally, Anne Rice is one of a select few authors who specifically prohibits fan fiction about their novels. I'm sure that Queenie decided that inserting large sections of her work into a vastly inferior piece (even compared to Anne Rice) did not count as writing fan fiction about Interview with a Vampire, but for MoA's sake, I'll err on the side of caution and delete it. Also, I really don't want to mock this story longer than is necessary.

"BWAH!" A voice behind Raven exclaimed.

Raven, in reply jumped up and turned to face Garfield. "Holy SHIT Garfield. You scared the hell out of me..."

"I know!" Garfield replied proudly.


"C'mon! Who won...?" Garfield murmured.

"Who won...what?" Raven asked, confused.

Was Garfield reading over Raven's shoulder?


Who's Mr. Davis? Why doesn't Mendoza deal with Garfield himself? Maybe he really did ditch to go to the Ren Faire...

"The science fair, duh, they were going to announce the winner at the end of class."

"Do you really think you won?" A girl named Sam (remember her from chapter 18) asked.

Was that before, or after, the chapter where Raven didn't care about her mother being stabbed to death by an unknown assailant?

"What? I don't know..." Garfield answered.

"I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to my friend, who's sitting next to you." Sam raised an eyebrow, pointing to her friend, 'Charm', as she was nicknamed, who nodded in reply.

If this becomes a Ben 10 crossover too...

"Oh...I knew that..." Garfield replied laughing nervously.


"Sheesh, they make it sound so unimportant." One of the kids in the class groaned.

Yeah, all they did was announce it over the school-wide loudspeaker.

"THE HONORARY MENTIONS FOR THE EIGHTH GRADE SCIENCE ARE THE FOLLOWING...Danielle Arlotta...Charmelle Angel...Samantha Levine...Katelyn Byrd...Betty Klein...Bryan Palmer...Aliana Lopez...Roy Harper...and Kayla Rizzo.

HA! Queenie forgot what grade her characters were in and shoved them into the eighth grade, inadvertently confirming every single joke I've been making about the cast being middle schoolers.

THE ACTUAL WINNERS ARE THE FOLLOWING FIVE...Kori Anderson...Erika Matthews...Dick Grayson...Ji Won Shon...and Wendy Russo."

"WHOOO!" Charm and Sam yelled as they heard there name.

"Speedy, Bee, Kori and Dick won, that's pretty good, right?" Garfield said, happy that some of his friends had won.

"Yeah...it's pretty good." Raven said, more reassured than she had been at the beginning of the month.

Raven despairs more when her period's on.

Things definitely seemed to be looking up.

For now.

It's a good thing Raven hasn't read ahead. Otherwise, she would know that the worst has yet to come.

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Jul 14 2011, 08:04 AM
What?! No! I don't want to be a gift for a guy like that!!! Gods, I have such a look of disgust on my face... sick.gif

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Not quite here, not quite there.

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post Jul 14 2011, 09:43 AM
Ah God, too many freaking author inserts in this story! Whyyyyyyyyy?! It's my biggest pet peeve now (though I do admit to doing some of them when I was younger).

Also, why the hell are high school students doing such crap science projects?

Better yet, why do they obsess over what clothes they should wear? Does revealing more cleavage lead to higher points?


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post Jul 14 2011, 02:21 PM
Why does this author hate Speedy so much? Did she go on to consult JT Krul on "Rise of Arsenal" at DC's behest? Perhaps she inspired the dead cat shit.

Also, I don't get this joke entirely:

GanXingba: Garfield, don't you have a crush on Raven?

Garfield: I do, GanXingba, but if I acknowledge that part of my character, then the entire joke falls apart!

Did that come from one of GanXingba's videos? I'm not sure which one it's been awhile since I watched them.

Also, in honor of the far more inferior principal who lets his students get beaten by a mob of stupid teen girls...

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jul 14 2011, 02:23 PM

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post Jul 14 2011, 04:54 PM
And, for the record, our high school does have science fairs- they are optional if the teacher want to do it, but...

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post Jul 14 2011, 05:47 PM
QUOTE (Lizard-Man @ Jul 14 2011, 03:21 PM)
Did that come from one of GanXingba's videos? I'm not sure which one it's been awhile since I watched them.

It's a reference to an episode of Avatar Abridged. The one with Jet. Sokka asks Aang that question in regards to why he isn't jealous of Katara's crush on Jet.

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Aug 13 2011, 03:29 PM
Not that I mind the attention, but every time I check the online members list, there is at least one guest reading this thread.

You assholes could take a cue from those guests, you know. mad.gif

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Aug 13 2011, 03:36 PM
You could also post another chapter.

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post Aug 13 2011, 03:42 PM
QUOTE (T_K_17 @ Aug 13 2011, 04:36 PM)
You could also post another chapter.

Sorry, but I'm just not STRESSED enough to.

I don't want to until the next chapter of NTL: Gaiden is done, and that's being worked on right now. You wouldn't want me to release a sub-standard product before it's done, would you?

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Sep 15 2011, 10:25 PM
Attached Image

Wilson emerged with gun drawn from the cavern an indeterminate amount of time later, greeted by a swirling blanket of black thunderclouds overhead and dead, withered foliage around him. A cursory glance of his surroundings told him that he was in the Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School quad, and that the fleshy, rank-smelling organic cavern that had brought him from San Quentin to his former place of employment had its terminus precisely in the middle of of what had once been a lush picnic area.

The school was in an advanced state of decay. Aside from the dead, untended grounds, the buildings had boards nailed to the windows from the inside, visible through shattered glass, and foul graffiti was scrawled upon walls whose paint had faded and peeled. Wilson, still staggered by his odor after escaping the canal (having been drenched in several different, uniquely viscous fluids and gels, at least half of which he guessed to be excrement), hurried to the window of a classroom and, through cracks in the splintered wooden boards, peered inside.
Defying all conventional logic and reason, there was a class in session in what appeared to be, from the outside, a condemned building. A lethargic looking teacher, gray-haired and balding, sat at a desk with his head in his hands and his shoulders heaving in spasms, his elbows propped onto the table, while two dozen teenagers enjoyed an anarchist's paradise. At least two students lay unmoving in the far corner, their faces bludgeoned into unrecognizability, checkers pieces and scissors surrounding their corpses. In the center of the room, a roaring fire roasted an effigy of a red-haired boy in a tracksuit, as several girls, their hands joined, danced slowly around it in a circle, chanting "Burn his flesh and rend his soul, shove a sword up his asshole! What he did, we do not know, but we'll rape Speedy with a hoe!" The rest of the students jabbered loudly, peppering their gobbledegook with teenage jargon, completely isolated in their own little worlds as the classroom went to hell around them.

Wilson, who had withstood the unearthly and potent odor of alien bodily waste, vomited at the sight of what Jefferson had become. His hand trembled, fingers gripping tightly around his Mauser. "Even with Wesker's influence," he growled to himself, "I was able to keep this school from falling apart. Mendoza, you bastard...!"

The shrill keening of the school bell jarred the students from their chaotic play. A collective wail went up from the class as they filed for the door.

"Ugh! Can you believe that we need to write a whole three pages about this dumb book?"

"You think that's bad--Mr. Mordecai failed me for turning in a half-completed science fair project written and illustrated entirely in Crayon!"

"Hey xxxsesshoumarunobishie~kikyosuxyaoifangirl69kawaiixxx! You want to find Speedy and slow-roast him, then force him to devour his own sizzling carcass as he perishes in a slow and inhumane manner?"

"I can't believe I'm going to my own mother's funeral...without a date! Somehow, I'm sure this is Wilson's fault."

"Where's the Elmer's Glue?! I'm out of Volxemortserum, and I gotta get high offa somethin'!"

"Trust me, you do NOT want to know!"


"Yo jive-turkey, you be playa hatin' on Sojourner Truth? Imma cover yo' white ass in BEES, honky!"

Wilson dove for cover behind the opened door as the students passed him by. One in particular held his attention--a six foot, seven inch tall man in yellow and gray camouflage, a balaclava hiding a swollen, pustule-covered face. He was harassing a beanpole of a redhead, who quailed in terror before him.

"P-please!" she sniffled. "I don't even know who that is! All I did was ask for a stick of gum!"

"Oh snap, bitch, you in fo' it now!" cried The Pain as he strutted like a pimp closer and closer to the girl, hand-jiving all the while. "Now Imma do to you what I do to AAAAAALL da sexist preps from da hood! HXC fo' lyfe, yo!" He threw up an indecipherable gang sign with his hands. The beanpole stumbled backwards onto her boney rump, whimpering as The Pain advanced on her. Hornets began to issue from his body and swarm around him in droves. Students continued to pass by, oblivious, until the corridor--two-walled and devoid of rooms on either side--was barren but for the Cobra, the beanpole and the ex-principal.

Wilson rose from his hiding spot and leveled his Mauser at The Pain. "Freeze."
The Pain's body jerked and froze. He stood unmoving, as though stricken with rigor mortis. A low growl rumbled in his throat, before he relaxed back into his teenage black girl persona. He turned around slowly, his face grimacing with hatred behind his mask at the sight of Wilson. The beanpole took the opportunity to scramble away.

"Well, well, I'll be Harriet Tubman herself," said The Pain gleefully. "You got no way o'knowing how happy puttin' yo' flabby ass in a sling is gonna make me!"

"Please," huffed Wilson. "Don't embarrass us both with that tired act. You never fooled me, 'Betty.' Not for an instant."

The Pain scowled, but he laughed a heavy, sandpapery guffaw. He spun all of a sudden, in a full circle, gyrating his arms madly like an insane yoga master, lacking style and grace. He struck a pose that may have been meant to be intimidating, as bees swarmed about his body.

"Slade Wilson." The Pain chuckled madly, all traces of his teenage facade gone. "You're too late to stop what's been set in motion. We expected you to return, or to at least make the attempt to, but you would have had to intervene months ago in order to do anything meaningful. Nothing you do can make a difference now. We're coming up on the...End." He chuckled again at his pun.

Wilson took a cautious step forward, keeping his Mauser level with The Pain's face. "Maybe so," he said, "but I'll be damned if I'm gonna just lay down and die without putting up a fight! You and your boss Wesker have a lot to answer for after what you've done to my kids!"

Nasally laughter came from behind Wilson, and he whirled about, staring down his Mauser's sights. Into the wall-less hall walked a scraggly, greasy-haired boy with thick-rimmed glasses, his dress and bearing recalling Waldo. Red contact lenses colored his eyes, giving him the overall appearance of a little boy who tried way, way too hard to be cool.

Wilson, disarmed by the student, lowered his weapon. "Roscoe?" he inquired cautiously. "Roscoe D. Faggins, is that you?"

Roscoe's red-tinted eyes suddenly glowed behind his contact lenses. "Don't call me that!" he hissed. "My name..." His body quaked violently, spasming and bulging in an unsightly manner. "Is DEMON!!!"

His body burst open, and Wilson raised an arm to his face to shield his eyes from the gore that sprayed. When he looked again, the awkward, helpless nerd had been replaced with a five foot nothing monstrosity. His skin was a ruddy shade of red; his arms were as tentacles, with long, razor-tipped, undulating fingers at their tips. His legs were disproportionately large and muscular, bulky for his size. His head, however, remained comically the same as before.

"Roscoe never existed, Mr. Wilson," explained "Demon," in Roscoe's nasal voice. "Roscoe was a mask that I wore. Roscoe was a pathetic, friendless loser. Roscoe took careful steps to alienate every human being around him by being as unlikeable and douchey as possible, arrogant and high-handed and utterly unsympathetic. And what did he get for his trouble?"

"Judging by how often you were in the nurse's office, and the number of suspensions and expulsions I handed down," offered Wilson, "naught but some royal ass-kickings."

"Except now," said Demon, his nasal, whiny voice dripping with maliciousness, "I don't need to hide my true nature and form! I don't need to hold back, for fear of slaughtering another student and blowing the entire plan sky-high! I can be as big of an asshole as I want to be! As violent as I am rude! With no repercussions whatsoever!" Demon laughed. His laughter was staccato, punctuated with snorts and gasps.

"And the idea that it was that puppet, Wesker, who orchestrated all of this," said another voice, "is utterly hysterical." A second boy appeared beside Demon. He was wearing black cargo pants with a dark forest green shirt that complimented his forest green eyes perfectly, especially with the gold specks. He also has a single scar that runs diagonally across his right eye. This boy carried himself with an air of command, and it was obvious that he may not have been the leader of the popular group that he was part of, but he was the backbone.

"Josh Richaron," said Wilson darkly. "Ne'erdowell extraordinaire."

Richaron smirked at Wilson and snaked an arm around Demon's waist. "Such a narrow vision, Principal Wilson. I...we..." He gave Demon a firm slap to the butt. Demon yelped whinily. "We are so much more than you could imagine."
Wilson recoiled, disgustedly. "Don't you two hate each other?"

"Pah!" spat Richaron. His saliva was black and resembled tar in its consistency. "A cover, my small-minded friend, as much a cover as the human form that stands before you. That detestable Hokkaido girl was merely another mask that I wore to hide my true inclinations." Richaron gazed lovingly at Demon, his emerald orbs meeting Demon's ruby orbs. "I want me some fine red meat." He pressed his face against Demon's, and their mouths came together, tongues engaging in an epic battle for dominance

Wilson's stomach heaved again, and he covered his mouth with his left hand. "This is highly disturbing. 'Epic battle for dominance' is the worst line ever to be used to describe tongue-kissing."

"This is what Jefferson has become in your absence," said The Pain. The buzzing of hornets around him grew symphonic, harmonized, as he spoke. "We three were seeded here, at the start of the school year, to accomplish our mission. Since September, events have been orchestrated by the three of us to turn a thriving educational establishment into a cesspool of apathy, ignorance and hatred. Wesker and his Volxemortserum--his Zerg--certainly expedited the process, but he was not its cause, nor were his aims ours. Had our goals conflicted directly, rest assured, he would have been punished."

"Between the three of us," said Demon, as he and Richaron began to advance upon Wilson, "we influenced--subtly, but undeniably--the downward spiral of Jefferson into what you see before you. That was our mission, and it has been fulfilled. And you, Mr. Wilson, have arrived just in time to see the fruit of our labors be harvested."

"Or, rather, you would have," said Richaron, as his voice took on a mechanical, filtered quality, "had you been a handful of minutes later. But our lord and master has ordered us to dispose of you post-haste, on sight. So I'm afraid you're going to miss the whole grand show."

The three advanced upon him from both sides, and Wilson drew against the near wall, cornered. His finger danced over the trigger on his gun. "Shame that I'll be missing the fun," he said. "Guess I'll just have to make my own."

Richaron separated himself from Demon and lunged at the principal. Wilson's aim was good enough, and his reflexes quick enough, that he was able to snap off a shot to his heart and strike it dead-on, well before Richaron was anywhere near him. A moment ago, Wilson would never have considered shooting the boy. A moment ago, however, he didn't know that Richaron was an abomination in the form of a teenager endeavoring to harm his kids. Wilson felt utterly guilt-free for shooting and killing him.

Except that the shot didn't take. Richaron stumbled back a step, shocked more than hurt at the bullet wound, but his laugh--reverberating and filtered, disconcertingly mechanical--told the world that it was merely a pinprick.
Richaron's body began to shift. Gears crunched against gears, metal scraped against metal, as his body rearranged itself into its true form. Within moments, the unassuming boy with the scar and the green eyes had become a towering giant of chrome, a purple emblem emblazoned on his chest. In his hand he clutched a pistol that was the size of an assault rifle.

"In the name of the Lord of Darkness!" cried Richaron. "Decepticons forever!"
Richaron's blaster fired a beam of amethyst light, accompanied by that bizarre slurping sound from Hannah Barbara cartoons. The one that played whenever someone fell down a hole, or something. It played over the laser shots in Transformers for some reason. Wilson rolled, evading the beam of energy; it struck the pavement where he was standing, turning it molten. Richaron fired repeatedly, but Wilson deftly evaded every time.

Realizing that his weapon would be useless against Richaron, he turned his attention to The Pain. The hornets swarming around his body provided a screen against CQC, but Wilson still had a fucking gun. He fired, once, twice, a third time, each shot jolting The Pain, each impact accompanied by the tiniest spurt of blood from his body.

"Tommy Gun!" shouted The Pain, as hornets suddenly massed around his hand. They coalesced into a very recognizable shape, and suddenly dispersed, leaving behind--as The Pain had helpfully mentioned--a Tommy Gun. He wasted no time in unloading bullet bees on full-auto at Wilson. The bizarre use of insects as ammunition further fueled Wilson's desire to not get shot, and he sought cover behind one of Richaron's mighty metal legs. Bullet bees impacted against Richaron's armor, denting, scratching, but not harming him in the slightest.
Demon swung an arm-tentacle at Wilson, but Wilson caught it in the crook of his arm and yanked, drawing Demon closer to him. Wilson threw a punch, striking Demon in his sweaty, acne-ridden forehead. Demon's head snapped back and he yelped nerdily from the impact, stunned. But Wilson wasn't through; he smashed the barrel of his gun across Demon's face, eliciting another dorky cry, then pressed the tip against his nose. Wilson's finger started to close on the trigger.
But Richaron whirled around to defend his lover. Grabbing Wilson in his free hand, he raised him to eye level and squeezed, his vice-grip taking a mighty toll on Wilson's physical endurance. "My darling," said Richaron in a concerned voice, "are you alright?"

"Ugh..." Demon sniffled. His blade-like fingers gently traced the wound on his face from Wilson's pistol-whip. "He hurt me, chrome-buns. He hurt me bad."

"Well then," said Richaron, grinning at Wilson as he squeezed tighter. Wilson gasped, intending to scream and finding that his lungs were too compressed to let out, or take in, any substantial amount of air. "He's not going to get away with it, buttercup. That I promise." Richaron raised the his blaster to Wilson, who literally stared down the barrel, knowing full-well that he was about to die.

"Squeal, piggie."

A shadow fell over Richaron suddenly. Something hovered over him, something which easily dwarfed him. Richaron looked behind himself and up, and his titanium face fell at what he beheld.

The mighty jaws of the Torrasque descended upon Richaron, closing and clamping down over his head. The Torrasque jerked its head, and Richaron's upper torso came free, sparks flying from exposed circuitry. His death grip on Wilson's body relaxed, and the principal fell free, impacting the ground with a thud. Beside him landed the Decepticon's blaster.

The Torrasque shook its head, sending bits of Richaron flying in all directions, before dropping his remains. They clattered nosily to the ground, all eyes on them as the mangled bits of Richaron's upper torso crackled. The Pain watched with detachment; Demon's expression was one of horror. He let out a long, agonized wail and rushed to Richaron's side, cradling his chewed and mangled head in his lap.

"My die-cast prince," he sobbed. He pressed his head to Richaron's lifeless forehead.

The Torrasque belched.

"Oink oink, Philistine," trilled a girlish voice. Down the Torrasque's face she slid, black lolita dress fluttering about her, landing daintily on the ground and smiling impishly at Wilson. Her dress was torn, her hair matted and stringy and her body was bruised, bloodied and dirty, but she didn't look too worse for wear, all things considered.

"Margaret?" Wilson asked, flabbergasted. "What on Earth--how on Earth?!"
She shrugged. "The Torrasque isn't so bad when you make an effort to get to know it. It took me a while to get through to it though; I had to shoot out most of its eyes before it'd even stop to listen."

Wilson glanced over the Torrasque's scarred, pockmarked face. Blood still oozed from several gaping holes that had once been eye sockets. A single, flame-red eye returned his stare. "I guess that means it and I have something in common now," he joked.

Margaret giggled. "You'd be surprised how fleet-footed it is too. It took me the better part of four hours to subdue it, and you had a head start on us, but we caught up to you pretty quickly, if I do say so myself."

"Nice and punctual," Wilson agreed. "I hope you get overtime for this."
Demon wailed suddenly, his nerd grief piercing the eardrums of all present. The Pain grit his teeth and summoned his bees to form a pair of giant earmuffs to counteract the sound. "How dare you?!" growled Demon as he rose to his feet, weeping openly. "How dare you jest like this when my lover lies dead and decapitated! I'll see you both--"

"Come off it, windbag," sighed Margaret. She swung her scythe vertically, burying the tip in Demon's skull. He fell silent, save for a miserable, dorky death rattle as the blade sunk deep into his head, the red-stained edge poking out of his embarrassingly small Adam's apple. Margaret withdrew the scythe and swung again, horizontally, and cleanly severed Demon's head from his neck. It struck the ground and dented on impact. His glasses still clung to his face, which was frozen in an expression of nerd terror.

"How does anybody put up with that?" Margaret asked rhetorically. "He wasn't one of yours, right? It's okay that I killed him?"

Wilson kicked the headless body over. "He was not, and it is." His monocular gaze fell on The Pain, who eyed the principal and his savior with contemptuous bemusement. "Looks like the tide's turned, my friend. It's two against one now."

The Torrasque rumbled gutturally in protest.

"Three against one," Wilson corrected. "Still feeling cocky?"

The Pain beamed at him, his bees swarming about his body. "Every moment you spend fighting with me is another second wasted on the clock ticking down to Armageddon." He chuckled throatily. "Surely, you could leave, and the odds would still be square at two against one."

Wilson exchanged a look with Margaret, who shook her silver-crested head.

"You've got bigger fish to fry," she said, stepping forward and flourishing her scythe. "My new dog and I can handle this bastard."

The Torrasque growled and stomped its redwood-sized feet in anticipation. "I don't doubt that," said Wilson, "but it seems wrong and repetitive somehow, running out on you twice in a row."

"Honestly, Wilson," said Margaret, smiling. "I don't mind at all."


"Live for the swarm!" cried the chorus of the infested, channeled through the voice of Principal Alejandro Mendoza. The auditorium full of disfigured, partially infested schoolchildren cheered wildly.

"What a great principal!"

"He's so strict, but fair!"

Mendoza held up his tentacled arms, quieting the crowd. "Sacrifice me!" the multitude shouted through him, and again the teenagers erupted into tumult.

"Preach on, Mendoza man!"

"Jefferson has never been safer or more secure!"

The din built to a fever pitch, and Mendoza, drinking in the support, waved his spiny, chitinous arms enthusiastically. "I am wretched, but I am strong! I am the future...I am ZERG!!!"

That did it. The students' zealous fervor overflowed. All throughout the auditorium, children were screaming, crying, wailing with support for Alejandro Mendoza, the greatest educator who had ever lived. And he stood upon the stage, his fanged, four-jawed mouth twisted in an abominable grin, drinking in their praise.

The door to the auditorium burst open with a crack of thematically appropriate lightning. Clad in a prison jumpsuit and clutching the giant pistol of the fallen Richaron in his arms like a rifle was Principal Slade Wilson.

"You disgust me," he growled, and fired the blaster. Brilliant purple light blazed through the air, accompanied by the Hanna-Barbara sucking sound effect. The blast burned through Mendoza's left arm and he staggered backward, stunned silent by the attack.

"Look at these children!" shouted Wilson. "These stupid, stupid children! They look to you for guidance, they look to you for protection, and you meet those expectations by indoctrinating them into your fucking space cult?!" He fired again, and Mendoza's right arm was seared away. The pretender to the throne howled in a voice that was reminiscent of the Torrasque.

"Not anymore," said Wilson. "This is my school, these are my students, and YOU!" *FLASH* "WILL!" *FLASH* "NEVER HARM THEM AGAIN!" *FLASH*
Mendoza lay in a pile of ashes on the stage. The students oohed and ahhed at the spectacular display of light and death. Wilson lowered Richaron's weapon, smoke curling from its barrel, and spat upon the filthy carpet of the auditorium.
He was met with a chuckle that reverberated throughout the auditorium. The chuckle grew into a deep, echoing laugh. It wasn't the acoustics of the room that caused the voice to echo; rather, it was a quality that the voice possessed all of its own, as though it reverberated naturally. It had no origin and no terminus; it seemed to be all around the room.

"That voice," muttered Wilson. "I recognize it."

"What a spectacular display of violence that was," chortled the voice. "Principal Wilson, please understand one thing: though I unfortunately must kill you, I admire you. I respect you. And that is an honor that so very few mortals have ever been allowed."

"Students!" bellowed Wilson, hefting Richaron's weapon. "Out of the auditorium immediately! Return to your dorms and stay there!"

Grumbling bitterly, the students complied, rising and leaving the room in single-file, kvetching all the while.

"Ugh! What a jerk! Can you believe him?"

"He's evil, man, pure evil!"

Wilson waited until the children were gone and the auditorium sealed behind them before responding to the non-corporeal being that praised him. "I recognize you," he said. "You're that voice, that disembodied voice, the one who's been in my classrooms since the start of the school year."

"So you DID notice me," mused Disembodied Voice. "Nobody else ever remarked upon my presence. Then again, these students are so apathetic, I doubt that anything could truly rile their spirits." He chortled again. "Except you, that is.

What a thorn in my paw you have been."

Clarity broke upon Wilson. "You're their master!" he cried. "The Pain and Richaron and Demon--you're the master that they were talking about!"
"One logical deduction after another," said Disembodied Voice. "With so keen a mind and spirit, it's no wonder that you needed to be removed from the equation. My plans could not have succeeded, not with you keeping the students in line, keeping their hatreds, their petty grudges, focused and honed upon you. Nor could Wesker's, not with you fending off the encroachment of his pathetic organization. Your removal was mutually beneficial, though ultimately, I feel, it's furthered my goals more than his."

"What goals?" demanded Wilson. "Have you been breeding Zerg too? Answer me!"

Disembodied Voice laughed derisively. "Mortals are so small-minded. No, you fool, I don't care anything for that star-born plague, nor Wesker's aspirations for conquest. The world is mine, mine to shape, mine to destroy, and I don't need an army of Xel'Naga cast-offs to achieve that end. All I needed was to find a source of the darkest of human impulses and vices--avarice, greed, petty hatred and apathy. All I needed was to feed upon them, drink deep from that well of evil, to gain the strength needed to return from my inglorious defeat.

"For a long time, longer than you mind can fathom, I waited, despairing at the idea that I might never be able to regain corporeal form and upset the balance of the universe. Until, of course, I discovered this school and its students."

"But Jefferson wasn't like this before," Wilson pointed out. "The students weren't always anarchistic shitheads."

"Not on this scale, no," conceded Disembodied Voice. "But there was always a certain sixsome that I'm sure you are familiar with whose pettiness furnished a fine banquet to me. Anderson, Grayson, Logan, Roth, Stone and Markov--I owe my resurrection to the wickedness in their hearts." He chuckled. "Harper--he was simply icing on the cake, even if he was Wesker's stool pigeon."

"Why The Pain, though?" asked Wilson. "Why insert him into the group?"

"In times past," said Disembodied Voice, "I have used certain...figures...to act as my emissaries. My knights. Slain warriors hungering for revenge. The last one I used for that purpose...failed me, and in doing so, cost me my victory." Disembodied Voice sounded grim as he reflected on that part of his history. "So when the time came to begin anew, I chose more wisely. Rather than a megalomaniac with emotional baggage, I chose a simple soldier, obedient and distinctly lacking in personality. A wiser choice, I feel. I learn from my mistakes, Mr. Wilson.

"The Pain's unique bodily properties presented me with a world of opportunities. I intended to use his hornets' venom to influence the students, but Wesker's arrival on the scene changed everything, and his distribution of Volxemortserum played right into my hands. All for the better, really, since mass hornet attacks would be far less subtle than I would have liked. His falling in with that crowd of know-nothing-do-nothings, likewise, was pure happenstance. Fitting happenstance, though, wouldn't you say?"

"And Wesker?" asked Wilson. "You have this cold war going on with him, yet you've been using him for your own purposes?"

"Wesker's a patsy," snorted Disembodied Voice. "Nothing more, no matter what he thinks. He may be a powerful human, but he is human nevertheless. My return is at hand, Mr. Wilson. His aspirations die here, along with you, and any chance you had at stopping me."

Wilson experienced a sudden ringing in his head, a high-pitched tone, not unlike the ringing of a cellphone. It didn't hurt, but he did feel compelled to shut it up.
There came the crackling of static, and through it, a voice. "Slade? Slade, do you hear me?"

Wilson's eye widened, and he dropped to the floor in a kneel for some reason. "Ocelot! What the hell?"

"I'm contacting you via Codec," Ocelot explained. "Live from beautiful Shadow Moses Island."

"But you need nanomachines to be able to use Codec," whispered Wilson, unsure if Disembodied Voice was listening in. "I've never had nanotech in my body."

"Yes. You have. And you do. Remember the bar? That glass of whiskey on the night I came to visit?"

Wilson felt compelled to vomit again. "I thought that there was something off about that liquor."

"Yeah, well, live and learn. Listen, I heard about the mass slaughter at San Quentin. Your doing?"

"Mass slaughter?"

"You telling me you didn't know? The whole place is dead! Every living thing there, except, conveniently, you! You had nothing to do with it?"

"No. A girl dressed like a lolita maid sprung me." Did she kill those people? thought Wilson. So that's why the place was so empty...

"Jesus," sighed Ocelot. "Ought to submit an application to FOXHOUND. Look, my point is, if you weren't there, then you had to be at Jefferson. Am I right?"

Wilson glanced around the dilapidated ruin of the auditorium. "What's left of it."

"Then you need to get the fuck out of there. The Patriots know where you are, and they know that the situation is escalating. They're going to go with their contingency."

"Contingency?" asked Wilson. "What might that be?"

"They're going to nuke the place," said Ocelot. "Shadow Moses is the testbed for a new model of Metal Gear. They're going to have us mount a nuclear strike with Jefferson as its epicenter, and kill two birds with one stone--eliminate you and Wesker's threat in one fell swoop."

Wilson's heart stopped beating long enough for his blood to freeze in his veins. "A nuclear strike?!" he snapped. "How are they going to explain the destruction of Del Mar via nuclear attack?!"

"They've prepared a convincing cover story," said Ocelot sardonically.

"They're going to say that it was nanomachines."

"Dammit!" Wilson pounded a fist against the floor. "That's bulletproof!"

"So you need to flee. You need to pack it in and get the fuck out of the city as fast as you can. You don't have a lot of time left."

"I can't," said Wilson. "Adam, you know that I can't abandon them like that."

"Oh, for pete's sake Wilson--"

"Damn you, Adamska," said Wilson coldly. "You swore that you'd help me save them. Don't you dare back out on me now. You're their top man; you can do something to stall them. You can give me the window that I need."

"It's out of my hands," Ocelot insisted. "We're launching in fifteen minutes."

"Stall them," Wilson repeated. "Stall them for as long as you can. Just give me a chance. Just let me try, and if I don't make it, nuke the place until it glows. But I can't abandon my students, Ocelot. You know that I can't."

"You idealistic..." Ocelot sighed, trailing off. "I'll try, Slade. I can confuse the chain of command for a short while, but not for long. Whatever you're gonna do, you better do it fast."

"Thank you." Wilson's heart began to beat again, albeit slowly, cautiously. "Thank you, my friend."

"Just earn it, Mr. Wilson."

The line went dead.

Suddenly, the doors that Wilson had entered through exploded off of their hinges. Before he could turn, Wilson felt something strike him ridiculously hard in the chest, expelling the wind from his lungs. He sailed through the air, arcing through the auditorium and finally landing hard upon the stage, splitting the floorboards from his impact.

"Interesting weather we're having," said Albert Wesker as he strode into the room. In one hand he clutched the unconscious form of The Pain. Hornets swarmed about him, stinging Wesker violently, but if he experienced any pain, he demonstrated none. In his other hand was Margaret, hanging limply, clothing torn and body bloodied.

"Somehow," Wesker continued, "black thunderheads and wind chill does not seem appropriate summer weather for southern California." He tossed The Pain to the floor; he landed with a thud and a groan.

"Now, I'm dressed warmly, so it doesn't bother me too much," Wesker added. He dropped Margaret; she crumpled and lay still where she fell. "But I was hoping for sunnier, happier weather for my coronation. Though I suppose gloom and doom fits you perfectly, Zophar."

"Albert Wesker," rumbled the Disembodied Voice known as Zophar. "You've played your cards too late. My return is at hand!" The auditorium shook violently, punctuating his proclamation.

Wesker yawned.

"Let me show you now, impudent mortal," crowed Zophar. "Watch in awe as the Great and Powerful Zophar, Lord of Darkness and Master of Mayhem claims at last his rightful place as the one and only ruler of all creation!"

The walls and ceiling of the auditorium exploded outward, exposing its two occupants to the elements. A rainstorm had begun during the showdown, and both Wilson and Wesker were pelted with sheets of rainfall, soaking to the bone within moments. A tremendous pillar of black shot from the clouds above, and Wilson had to roll aside to avoid being crushed as it struck the stage, shattering its remnants. Shards of broken wood cut and splintered his body, but he survived.
Wilson indeed watched in awe as the pillar receded, rising into the air and exposing a wide mouth, around which thick black tendrils wriggled like worms. Wilson watched in horror as the tendrils extended, slithering across the ruinous campus in the direction of the dormitories.

"No!" he shouted, scrambling to his feet and drawing his Mauser. Adrenaline filtered into his bloodstream, making him forget his wounds, his exhaustion and his pain. "Not my students!"

Wilson fired into the tentacles repeatedly. His shots were largely off the mark, but enough rounds found purchase for Zophar to perceived him as an annoyance. One tendril separated from the mass and swooshed toward Wilson, batting him aside.

"Insect," snarled Zophar. "Wait your turn to be swatted."

Wilson grit his teeth and raised his Mauser again, firing an additional two shots at the tendril that had attacked him.

“So eager,” cooed Zophar. “Very well; I shall indulge you.” It struck him again, slamming down hard on his crippled stomach. Blood shot up his esophagus and exploded like a geyser from his mouth. He lay, coughing on his vital fluids, broken.

"There. Now be good, Mr. Wilson, and watch.”

The tentacles receded, each wrapped snugly around the body of a Jefferson student. The student body wailed in a symphonic masterpiece of pubescent terror.

"Something's gonna eat me! That isn't vegan at all!"

"Oh, I do hope that they have The Princess Diaries in Vaguely Pseudo Jewish Heaven!"

"Ugh, getting eaten is so BORING..."

"Aww, shit! I'mma get my ass eat like a dachshund!"

"Oh great. Now I'm going to have to explain to my parents in Hell why I murdered them! What am I going to tell them, the truth? 'Sorry mom, sorry dad, but when you informed me that I couldn't be Princess Celestia when I grew up, I had no other choice!'"

"After the torment I've endured at the hands of those women...I welcome the nothingness of death."

"Man, I'm NEVER gonna get to bury my hatchet..."

The students were drawn into the mouth of Zophar, their screams and protests drowned out as their bodies were compressed, crushed and swallowed. Their essence, their souls, rose up the length of Zophar's body, into the clouds and beyond, followed by a satisfied belch.

Zophar's body trembled. The maw widened again, and the tentacles spread. Chunks of flesh fell away, crumbling like granite chipped from a sculpture. From these wounds emerged tendril-like arms, shaped liked dragons, winged and clawed and shrieking monstrously. And at the front of the body, two smoldering red eyes, like calderas, broke through the rocky facade to glare at Wesker.
His return complete, Zophar laughed, fully and freely, for the first time in millenia. "It took a long time," he said between laughs, "but the power of humanity finally faded, and the wickedness that I have fostered in the hearts of men since time immemorial grew strong once again. Thanks to this school, and its students, all the world shall be broken and remade in my image!

"There is no Althena, no Lucia, no band of intrepid children who can now impede me! Look upon your god, humans! Zophar is come again!"

Standing tall and staring down the primordial god of evil, Wesker, an ant unto an elephant, clapped slowly. "Very theatrical, Zophar. But I'm afraid that little victory speech is the high watermark of your return. Remind me, what made the students so unknowingly compliant in your resurrection?”

"Forgetting your role in it already?" taunted Zophar. "You, of course. You and your Volxemortserum!"

"And what does Volxemortserum do, pray tell?" continued Wesker.

"Infects the user with Zerg infestation spores," said Zophar irritably. "Your questioning is tiresome."

"And the students you just so gleefully devoured," said Wesker, "were, to the last, infected deeply with infestation spores. Tell me, Zophar, how do you feel?"
Zophar's body trembled disconcertingly. "What? W-what have you...what have you done?!" His booming, reverberating voice sounded, for the first time, fearful.

Wesker seemed more than a little pleased with himself. "So smug, Zophar, so self-assured. So unconcerned with the doings of a small-minded mortal like myself. Look where it's landed you." He stretched an arm out, palm open, fingers splayed. "Are you familiar with the works of Homer, Zophar?"

The draconic arms of Zophar stood taut and still, their wailing cut off. Slowly, they flexed their bodies, their spines curling, their wings unfurling, their jaws working open and closed tentatively. Wesker smirked.

"I...cannot...move!" Zophar grunted. “Release me!”

"It was never the Zerg that I was after, Zophar," said Wesker. "Not truly. When I learned of the truth behind your legend, I sought a way to bring you forth. It was outside of my means, unfortunately, until the first advance Zerg scouts peppered the Earth. I gathered them, learned what I could about them, then when I understood them, realized that I finally had the means to my ultimate end." Behind his sunglasses, his catlike yellow eyes shone. "A new genesis is at hand, Zophar. The Zerg are its heralds. You are its vessel. And I...am its creator."
Festering pustules sprouted along Zophar's body, covering black rock in stinking orange flesh. "No!" shouted Zophar. "I will not be used this way! I am Zophar, Lord of Darkness--"

"You're mine, is what you are," said Wesker. He curled his fingers into a fist and drew his arm back. "Now come to me, slave."

Against Zophar's protesting cries, his head slithered away from his body on a long, snakelike neck, drawing close to Wesker. The mighty jaw of Zophar's stone head groaned open, and Wesker climbed inside triumphantly, like a newly crowned sovereign taking his throne for the first time. Zophar's cries petered out, growing once again into manic laughter, but this time, another voice echoed along with his. The voices of Wesker and Zophar laughed together in harmony.

"This...is magnificent." More peals of hysterical, villainous laughter. "I am everything. I am everywhere! This is...this is beyond description! Hahahahahahaha! Oh, Wilson, you puny morsel of human weakness. If you could only experience this indescribable...ahahaha, but yes, you can, and you will."
Wilson rolled onto his stomach, gasping from the exertion. With an effort, he was able to stagger to his feet, gripping a chunk of auditorium debris for support. His hand still held his Mauser; Richaron's weapon still lay where he'd dropped it, between the bodies of The Pain and Margaret.

"You have, indeed, been worthy an adversary. It would be a shame for such a soul to be wasted in death. So I will grant you life everlasting, as a part of the greater whole."

The tentacles once again extended, orange and dripping with viscous fluid. They mobbed toward Wilson as the draconic arms of Zophar screeched and howled victorious song.

Wilson stood within the ruins of his auditorium, leaning on a chunk of what had been the supporting wall, standing upon the scattered floorboards of a stage that had seen countless productions, concerts and assemblies. Velvety red curtains lay like discarded garments around him. His body heaved, ached, throbbed and burned with a year's worth of labor that had yielded nothing.

His students were gone, devoured by an otherworldly beast that was driven to conquest by a megalomaniac. His school was empty and abandoned, a scant step up from the lawlessness that he had found in its corridors and classrooms. He was powerless to save the children whose lives he was entrusted with from Zophar, from Wesker, or from the Zerg. And even if he could, it was all irrelevant. Within minutes, a nuclear strike would wipe away the city of Del Mar, and every living thing within it. Thousands dead immediately; millions more to follow.

All on his shoulders. All on his hands. All his failure.

As the tendrils came for him, Wilson stood his ground. He raised his Mauser to meet them headlong, slid a fresh clip of ammunition into it, and gave a defiant cry. The gun fired into the fleshy mass, until it could fire no more. And still Wilson screamed his warlike scream.

The tentacles engulfed him, enveloped him, and drew him into the mouth of Zophar, and he was gone. The being that had been Wesker and Zophar towered above the Earth, alone.

"I am not Zophar...nor Zerg. Nor Albert Wesker, frail and sickeningly human. I am transcendent. I am wretched; I am strong!
"I......we...WE SHALL BE...PERFECT."


A lone figure sat, astride a pale motorcycle, upon a ridge overlooking the Del Mar fairgrounds. In the distance, he could see the towering mass of Infested Zophar. The rainstorm had given way to sleet, but he paid the elements no heed.

He had tried to run. Tried to hide. But trouble had broken on through to the other side, found its way onto his doorstep once again. And he could not resist the call to arms that this threat to existence posed. Not when he bore the guilt for its existence.

Drawing a sawn-off double-barrel shotgun from his leather jacket pocket, he opened it, checked for the millionth time that it was loaded, and returned it to its place. His fingertips gently traced the syringe within his jacket pocket, and he set his bearded jaw determinedly.

Revving his engine and kicking off the ground, Billy Mays tore down the road, into the mouth of Hell itself.

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

A list of mocks can now be found on my profile page!
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post Sep 16 2011, 03:13 AM
Have I ever told you how much I love you, Al? Because I do.

Please tell me you're going to get published someday.

Cor cordis
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post Sep 16 2011, 01:41 PM

Sorry about that. My chin just hit the keyboard when my jaw dropped from reading this.

"It's not enough that I succeed. Others must fail."
-Mandy, The Grim Adventures of Billy and Mandy

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post Sep 16 2011, 07:15 PM
And on my b-day too! Best gift ever, Al.


QUOTE (9/13/2013 3:49:17 PM Max-Vader:)

QUOTE (Master of AFTER @ Feb 5 2014, 05:08 AM) *
I Was the Drink: The Joan Cheng Story

QUOTE (Screaming Soulcatcher)
Joan are you the straightest shota
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That's right, Susan!
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post Sep 18 2011, 09:51 AM
So after several chapters of foreshadowing and an entire story's worth of author's notes spoiling its inevitability, we finally come to the Normal Teenage Life adaptation of the Judas Contract story Marc. Is it anything like the clever, intriguing and emotional tale of unrequited love and betrayal from the comics? Not even a little. Is it anything like the watered down, cliche story of empty sacrifice = redemption from killing lots of people? Surprisingly, no, not at all.

So what is it like? Well, I'll tell you: It's like Normal Teenage Life. And for those of you who don't quite understand what I mean, don't worry. You will.


Chapter 25: It's Easy To Hate Someone...

Original Japanese Title: The Tired Plot Device Resurfaces!!! Curse Terra-kun's Sudden but Inevitable Betrayal!!!


That's what you get for standing in a room made entirely out of Zorbeez.

The rough-cut stones seemed to give forth thier own light, and even the rats shooting past in the dark had a curious beauty.

Fuck, this is more Anne Rice shit, isn't it? Skipping~.


"Hi..." Raven trailed off, looking at who had sat down next to her to piss her off. She saw that it wasn't some stupid prep...thank god...

Of course, Raven's nebulous definition of "prep" meant that her ire would be raised by virtually any member of the human race sitting next to her.

but just one of the few girls outside her friend group who she remained civil with.

Translation: One of the few remaining people, outside of her simpering disciples, who will still tolerate her bullshit.

"What's up Anatasia?"

"Nothing really. No one else is up this early, and my roommate will kill me if I wake her up early again." The brunette with bright, noticable, red streaks and pretty brown eyes answered.

I was all set to make a joke about the Romanovs and Don Bluth, but then I saw that the girl's name was "Anatasia," not "Anastasia." So I had to delete the planned pun. But it was good, I promise.

"What time is it anyway?"

"Like...eight fifteen. Maybe later."

"Oh...lovely. Everyone should be getting up now. That's what I get for waking up early." Raven groaned, going back to her book.

If only there weren't any other people alive besides Raven. Then she could enjoy her second-rate vampire porn in peace!

"I'm annoying you, aren't I?" Anastasia asked curiously.

Wait, I guess her name actually is Anastasia. Alright, I guess that first time was a typo.

"No, not really. I can focus on two things at once.

Raven can pat her belly and rub her head at the same time.

It's no---"

"Hey Ravie!" A perky voice said as the girl walked up to Raven.

"Hullo Terra."

Looks like Raven's been receiving English lessons from DJ CROFT again. By "English lessons," I don't mean "lessons in the English language," I mean that he's been teaching her how to BE English, and that includes spelling "hello" with a "u" like a simpleton.

"I'll be going now..." Anatasia got up, giving Terra a disgusted look, and walking away.

Now it's Anatasia again! Man, this is the weirdest string of typos I've come across in a while. Make up your mind, geez.

"Wonder what her problem is!" Terra asked, promptly sitting down next to Raven.

Terra: So, does my uncontrollable body odor smell any better today?

"Don't know. Don't particularly care bloody bangers and toad in the hole mash kippers and Yorkshire pudding Buckingham Palace God Save the Queen Lord Palmerston White Star Line chim chim chimmery Stratford-upon-Avon. Do you know what today is?"

"No, what?"

"It's clearly Annoy Raven So She Can't Finish Her Book Day. Didn't you know? You started it!"

I guess Gar's persecution complex is contagious.


"What are you doing up so early anyway?"

"I had...things to do." Terra said nonchalantly.

"You always have things to do lately."

Yeah, it's almost as though Queenie figured out that she hadn't done anything to set up the inevitable "Terra betrays everybody for some reason" chapter and is suddenly trying to cram everything into the last several chapters because, heh, storyplanning? That's for preps.

"Whatever...I've got to go back to our room to get something," Terra replied, looking at her watch. "I'll see you later!" With that, Terra ran off toward the direction of the dorms.

Stopping along the way to bandsaw someone's parents in two.

"Like I care..." Raven muttered, going back to her book. 'He laughed softly at the barrage of questions.

The 20 Questions scene in Interview with a Vampire is particularly gripping.


"I don't trust her..." She muttered to herself, closing her book. She closed her eyes for a few minutes, breathing deeply. "I don't know what it is...but something's wrong. I don't know what though...but something's definitely wrong."

"I'm not quite certain what it is that may be wrong, but it is clear to me that something is, indeed, wrong. Whatever that something is escapes deduction at this time, but rest assured, despite the inconclusive nature of my conjecture, I maintain that wrongness remains afoot. I am unable to fathom with certitude the unsettling matter which causes discontent within my heart, however, this aforementioned lack of certitude should not serve to discredit the feelings of disquiet that claw at the edges of my mind, for, to reiterate, I hold the hypothetical position that there is a business at hand which exists contrary to the natural, established, correct order of nature."

(Who says I think that way about anyone in my group of friends? Don't be ridiculous! I NEVER said that. But it's true.)

Batman interrupts the narration to remind everybody about that special Kryptonite that he keeps on hand at all times, just in case.

Before she could continue this very interesting conversation with herself, she heard an alarm go off.

Time for Raven to start uptown and put in her eight hours for the powers that have always been.

Sing it, child.

Digging through her bag, she pulled out her rarely-used cellphone and turned off the alarm. "Eight thirty...better get to breakfast..."

Raven doesn't want everybody to start complaining without her.

"Hey guys...have you seen Terra?" Garfield asked that morning at breakfast.

"I do not believe I have seen her all morning." Kori commented.

"That's strange..." Raven muttered in a low voice...but not low enough to not be heard.

Raven secretly has a baritone that'd put every soul singer in history to shame.

"Why?" Garfield asked, slightly worried about Terra.

"Well, I saw her this morning around eight fifteen or so, and she said that she was going back to the dorm."

This news did not mollify Garfield in anyway what so ever.

Now the story's chuckin' around ten dollar words like it knows what's what...

"Then something must have happened to her! She's been so weird lately, I bet something's going on."

"What could be going on that we don't know about?" Bee asked.

"Technically, anything. There's a lot about her we don't know." Dick contridicted.

The kids are passing a thesaurus all around the table, trying to insert complex sounding words into their sentences.

"Perhaps, but Terra is a good person." Kori stated.

"Famous last words..." Raven muttered.


"Nothing Kori...nothing at all..."

"Rae, you don't mutter under your breath for no reason." Victor pointed out.

Dumbass, half of her dialogue is muttered under her breath, and none of it ever amounts to a hill of beans. So shut up.

"He's right." Speedy agreed.

"It's no big deal. No big deal at all. Of course, I doubt any of you would consider my intense distrust of Terra a big deal." Raven answered simply, picking innocently at her food.

"Raven, an intense hatred of one of our friends is a big deal." Kori corrected, biting her lip slighty.

I love how they're only now picking up on Raven's dislike of Terra. You know when a better opportunity to bring all this up would have been? That chapter where an argument between Raven and Terra caused her to hurt herself on a ski slope. You remember how Raven didn't really care at all about Terra's potentially serious injury? Coulda talked about it then. Just saying.

"Yeah, Rae, what's Terra ever done to you?" Garfield asked.

"Nothing!" Raven snapped. "I never said it was a big deal! You wanted to know, it's not my fault."

"Yeah, just leave Raven alone." Speedy instructed.

In this town there lived an outlaw by the name of Texas Red
Many men had tried to take him, and that many men were dead
He was vicious and a killer, though a youth at twenty-four
And the notches on his pistol numbered one-and-nineteen-more
(One and nineteen more)

Sorry, sometimes I get caught up in the music I listen to when I mock NTL. It comforts me to know that, even staring in the face of the worst thing ever created by humans, there still exists art that is beautiful.

"Hey, that reminds me, does anyone know where Bee is?" Victor inquired.

Why don't you all just put tracking collars around your necks, so that you'll always know where everybody is and I won't have to read about you wandering around and bumping into each other like bumpkins and asking "HAY WARZ BEE/RAVEN/TERRA/RAVEN/RAVEN/RAVEN/RAVEN/RAVEN/DJ/RAVEN????66666666666"

"Eh, I don't remember where she is..." Dick answered.

"Something suspicious about her too, Raven?" Speedy laughed.

"Bee, is in chorus because they had an early morning rehersal. After all, our spring concert is next week." Raven answered, glaring. "There's nothing wrong with Bee."

Besides everything that's wrong with her.

"But what's wrong with Terra? I mean, I know she's been acting sorta...different lately, but she's a great girl!" Garfield asked in confusion.

She's polite enough to put down a tarp before she dismembers people. That's more than most serial killers will do.

"Of course you'd say that. You dated her." Raven hissed.

"Duh. Then she dumped him for that Richaron guy." Victor added.

Oh yeah! Remember that? Remember when Garfield dated Terra? Remember that lengthy romantic subplot that spanned nearly the entire story? The one that provided fuel for the love triangle between her, Garfield and Raven? Remember all the wacky hijinks that Garfield and Terra got into as a couple?


You don't?

Really? Well, what's wrong with you? Surely it happened! Surely it did! Surely we're not expected to buy into a blatantly retconned romance being inserted at the tail end of the story specifically to set up a ludicrous and stupid development for no reason besides the author's innate hatred of Terra's character. Surely we're not witnessing twenty chapters of characterization being thrown out the airlock for no justifiable reason! Surely we're not witnessing the cheapest, stupidest, most balls-achingly terrible instance of authorial ineptitude thus far in what has so far been a story that fucking runs on authorial ineptitude! Surely not! Surely!


Action stations, Mr. Gaeta.

"DUDE! I DON'T NEED TO REMEMBER THAT!" Garfield exclaimed hitting him as hard as he could---which wasn't really that hard to begin with.

"Well it's true." Speedy shrugged.

Speedy was the one who dated Terra through half of the story. In fact, he was the one that got dumped for Richaron. Not Garfield. So as near as I can tell, Queenie decided to retcon the Speedy/Terra romance into a Garfield/Terra romance because, well, why not, really?

I mean, besides the fact that it's a stupid ass-pull that serves no purpose other than to randomly change an established element and further muddy an already murky, incomprehensible web of characters. Other than that, why not? Why NOT retcon one romance into another?

Or maybe this chapter just takes place in a parallel universe. Maybe the first twenty-four chapters of Normal Teenage Life existed in Earth One, and this chapter exists in Earth Two. Maybe I'm not giving the story enough credit; maybe this'll turn out like Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Or--more likely--I'm trying to create implausible explanations for a stupid plot element in order to preserve my faith in humanity. Either or.

Later that day, before science class, Raven finally met up with Bumble---I mean Betty---I mean Ka---I mean Bee! Bee! She met up with Bee!

Keyboards have backspace keys, miss. I'm looking at one right now. You can use them to remove unwanted text so that you can rewrite it however you please. What an age we live in, huh?

(Bumblebee is her alias in the show, Betty is her name in the story, Karen Beecher is her real name.)

I suppose it was entirely out of the question to have looked up the character's name at the start of the story.

Hey, wait a minute, that's what I said at the start of the story.

I hate this story. So much. So, so much.

"Hey, haven't seen you all day girl!" Bee exclaimed when she saw Raven.

"Oh yes. Seeing you yesterday was so long ago." Raven grumbled in monotone.

"Raven, don't tease Bee, she is just trying to remain optimistic and cheerful, there is nothing wrong with that!" Kori reprimanded.

"I'm sorry for not having my 'happy' ooze out of every single pore." Raven grimaced.

No, you have "bitch" oozing out of every single pore instead.

"There is nothing wrong with happy! Happy people are good!"

"Kori's right on this one Rae." Bee agreed.

"Yes. See? Even she agrees with me." Kori said happily. "Unnatural suspicions do not help either."


"Suspicions, you know, apprehension, foreboding, dis--"

Raven snatched her thesaurus away from Kori and smacked her across the face with it.

"No, I know what the word means, I mean who doesn't Raven trust?"

"Terra." Raven and Kori answered together.

"What's wrong with Terra? Terra's a great girl!"

Bee: Remember when we were at the ski resort and she saved those baby seals from drowning in the swimming pool? That totally happened, y'know, just before she and Garfield got together.

"Yeah sure. Oh yeah, real Miss Congeniality." Raven rolled her eyes.

"Raven, do not roll your eyes.

You look like Derpy Hooves when you do.

She is a nice person." Kori scolded.

"Whatever. That's not important. I mean, it's not like Raven's gonna accuse Terra of being a traitor or anything, right?"

Well, Raven is one of Queenie's author surrogates...so in a meta sense, she already has. Repeatedly. And obnoxiously.

"Yeah. Not like she'd do anything like that. Hey, I've gotta joke to lighten the mood." Bee announced, an idea flashing through her head.

"Which joke?" Raven asked, curious.

"Okay, so there's a plane with five people in it, George W. Bush..."

"DOWN WITH BUSH!" Raven exclaimed randomly.

Probably not a good thing to say when the Department of Homeland Security is monitoring you as a potential threat to homeland security, Raven.

Bee laughed. "OH YEAH! Anyway, There's five people on a plane. Bush, a rabbi, the Pope, a basketball star, and a baseball star. Suddenly, the plane begins to..."

Wow, there's something in that joke to offend every single demographic you can think of...

For the most part, the day continued as normal. Well...as normal as normal can get. Classes went on, people gossiped, plots were hatched, jokes were told, grades were dealt,

Kegs were tapped, boys were used, meals were binged, stomachs were purged, wrists were slit, parents were murdered, complaints were uttered, and Wilson was blamed for every single ill happening on campus. Yes, I've kept up with the story so far, thank you.

you get the drill. Around after seventh period, AKA writing workshop is where our scene beings.

Did Queenie try to adapt this chapter into a screenplay and just give up?

"Raven, what was up with you at breakfast?" Dick asked her as he met up with her in the hallway.

"It was exactly as I said it. It's not that hard to understand." Raven answered simply, eyebrows raised for a brief moment.

Raven: I have an unjustified and highly unbelievable feeling of foreboding regarding somebody we have known for several years running. Why don't you sympathize with me?!

"You know what I mean."

"It's as simple as that! I've explained it already!"

"Then explain it again." Dick replied, as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

Raven glared at him, but spoke anyway. "I said it already. I don't trust Terra, none of you believe me, so I'll just leave well and well enough alone before I get Kori mad at me! Because if that happens we all know we're at the point of no return, so just leave it at that."

I read that paragraph three times, and I'm still not quite clear on what she's trying to convey.

"Who said no one believes you?"


"Exactly what I said." Dick mimicked. "You're not right you know. Just because it doesn't appear one way, doesn't mean I don't think that way. I just don't say anything."

You know, Dick, they say that all it takes for evil to flourish is for good men to stay silent.

Of course, you're neither good nor a man, so I think you're exempt from that axiom.

Raven gave him a dumbfounded look. "So do you agree with me or not?"

"Sort of."

"It's a yes or no question."

"Well I'm taking the alternative choice C. I agree with you, but it's not that big of a deal."

"OH yeah, sneaking off randomly for months is such a small deal."

"It is. You do that all the time."

"That's different."


"'Cuz I know where I'm going." Raven finished.

So Raven thinks that Terra is wandering off and getting herself lost...sinisterly? And the difference between her randomly disappearing (the way that she's been doing all story long) and what Terra has been doing (for the last several chapters) is that Raven has a sense of direction...?

I can't make heads or tails of this shitty introspection. Or Raven's justification for distrusting Terra. I mean, yeah, WE know that shit's going to go down, but all Raven and her friends have to go on are a gut feeling and some completely illogical justifications for that gut feeling. Raven could say that she doesn't trust Terra because she wears flip-flops, and it'd hold the same weight as her "She sneaks off places sometimes without knowing where she's going" shit.

And yes, I know that she was probably saying "Because I know where I'm going when I sneak away, and I don't know where Terra's going," but her response to Dick's question was phrased stupidly, so in my headcanon, she doesn't trust Terra because Terra gets lost a lot. Although the alternate explanation does serve to make Raven seem more petty and hypocritical, which is something that I can appreciate.

"Now if you'll excuse me, you're not making any sense, and I'm going to be late for gym. Again."

"Don't leave yet. I didn't say I wasn't willing to help."

"You are not making any sense."

"Okay, I won't help." Dick shrugged, and began to walk away.

What are you going to do, Dick? How do you intend to help Raven be paranoid? You gonna sit with her and imagine all the horrible things Terra's doing behind your backs? You gonna brainstorm, is that it? Fucker.

'What is with people these days...' Raven complained to herself, before speaking aloud. "Wait!"

"I figured you'd do that. You're pretty determined to find something out, aren't you?" Dick asked, turning back around.

"Well...what do you think?" Raven snapped, angered at his seeming obliviousness.

I'm glad that we have a chapter that's written entirely from Raven's perspective. It really lets her character's stupidity shine through. Part of me is convinced that Raven was intentionally written as a bitchy retard, because her characterization in that regard is completely spot on.

"Look, I'm not advising this, but if it'll get you off Terra's back, there's a way."

"Then tell me!"

"There's this kid on the sparring team, he's pretty sneaky, and I hear that he can find out anything about someone." Dick explained.

"And this kid is...? It would help for you to tell me who it is."

"Eh...I'm trying to remember..." Dick replied uneasily, thinking hard. "Something with a D...uh...Darryl...oh yeah! Now I remember. Demon."

Yeah, "Demon" is definitely the kind of name you'd forget. Or confuse with "Darryl".


"Yeah, I know, he's kind of obnoxious, but if you need information on someone, he's the guy to go to.

Cuz, uh, he does...he's really good at...he, um...


What's he done in the story so far? Beside mince about and have a sissy fight with Richaron? Anything to indicate that he's good at being "sneaky"? No? None at all? Wait, did he date Terra too? Is that being retconned into the story all of a sudden? Queenie, do you work for Marvel?! Answer me, sister!

Listen, tell me what you find out. I'm about to be late for a date with Kori, so I'll see you later." Dick announced, promptly running off.

"Oh, my ears and whiskers," panted Dick as he checked his pocket watch, "I'm late for a very important date!"

"Lovely..." Raven groaned. "Of all the kids in this school...it just had to be the vampire."

I hear that The Count is on staff as an algebra teacher for the middle schoolers. I wonder how much of Raven's back-and-forth racism he has to put up with.

(Expect for some lines, the next bit actually happened.)

Ohhhh, Jesus.

"So are you going to the marklar marklar after marklar?" Garfield asked.

Ohhhh, Jesus. I forgot that this story is inhabited by stupid middle schoolers who think that abusing South Park lines from 2001 is hilarious.

"What the hell are they talking about?" Bee rolled her eyes.

"Technically, review is an adjective...so you wouldn't use it as marklar, you'd say, are you going to the review marklar after marklar." A blonde boy sitting in front of Garfield corrected.

Shut up, Draco Malfoy. Go back to dicking up Harry Potter and leave this story alone. It sucks enough as it is without you getting Potter cooties all over it.

"Whatever." Victor brushed it off.

"WHAT are you sayin?" Bee exclaimed.

"Something from South Park." The blonde boy, who's name was Zeke answered.


"Do you watch marklar marklar?"


"Right, are you going to the review marklar after marklar?" Garfield yelled across the room to Victor.

"No, I've got to go to the marklar marklar at the marklar." Victor answered.

"Aww! That's so marklar! So you're going to the marklar?"


Stop ruining South Park.

"Oh god. Oh god..." Bee moaned putting a head to her forehead.

"What?" Zeke asked.

"The scariest thing is not even that ya'll are going meep.

Now they're dragging the Muppets into this nonsense. Hey, leave Beaker alone! Leave him out of it, I said!

The scariest thing is that I'm understanding what you're saying."

"That's funny!" Garfield laughed.

"What're you laughing at?" Bee asked, though she herself was laughing.

"He's not laughing at you, don't worry." Victor replied. "He's laughing at you laughing at us."


"Yo, dude, when is marklar going to realize what you were saying before?" Zeke called aloud.

"Probably like...never marklar." Garfield laughed.

"Yeah, marklar is so oblivious." Victor agreed.

Hey, wasn't something happening in this chapter? Do we really need a lengthy real-life insertion to break up the action in what has so far been a reasonably well-paced addition to the story?

"Okay, now I don't know what you're saying." Bee cried in desperation. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"Yes Mr. Logan, what exactly are you talking about?" The grim Social Studies teacher asked, appearing in front of the 'marklar' speaking group.

The teachers union lobbied successfully for the ability to materialize at will anywhere during the big strike of '98.

"If it's so much more important than reviewing for the final, than please, tell us what it is."

"Nothing..." Mr. Loga--I mean Garfield laughed. "I was just uh---telling them how interesting your class is! That's it!"


"I really don't want to do this..." Raven muttered walking around the campus, looking for someone. But she remembered what Dick had said, 'Yeah, I know, he's kind of obnoxious, but if you need information on someone, he's the guy to go to.' And Raven really needed to know if she was up to something sneaky. She just needed to know.

If you cared at all about your friends, you'd hire shady characters to stalk them in order to confirm your unjustified suspicions of them too!

As Raven went into the library for the second time that day, and fortunatly found the person she was looking for sitting in one of the chairs. She walked up to him, and found him playing a PSP...there were just too many of those around these days. (I wish I had one...)

Yeah, who didn't back in 2005? There must have been at least six games on it worth owning, after all.

"Uh...Demon...?" Raven muttered in a low voice, hoping he didn't hear it. Unfortunately for Raven, he did.

Why would she not want him to hear her? Isn't she there to get a favor from him? God, Raven, what is your motivation here?!

"What do you want?" He asked, not looking up from his game.

"Well...ya know, never mind."

"Thanks for wasting my time."

Hey, Normal Teenage Life just vocalized my exact feelings about it. Thanks, story!

"Whatever..." Raven muttered, walking away, only to walk right into Dick.

What is he, her handler?

"I told you, go ask him." Dick reprimanded. "I don't care if you don't like him."

"Why are you bugging me? You don't even agree with me!"

"Exactly. But if you continue with your Anti-Terra Propositions, the results can be good at all." He explained. "Now move."

And what's Dick's stake in all this? He sounds like he doesn't really care about the Terra thing. Like he's just humoring Raven to shut her up.

"I hate you. A lot." Raven snarled, walking away, but not before hearing Dick mutter "I know."

I love how the character who Raven has actual chemistry with is not her designated love interest. I also love how the character she does NOT have chemistry with IS.

"Stupid sneak...thinks he can meddle in my business..." She mumubled incoherently under her breath. Raven marched right up to Demon, and took his PSP away.

"What the hell was that for? Give it back!" Demon exclaimed, standing up and making a grab for it.

"To get your attention nitwit." Raven snapped.

She could have just asked. But then, that would mean that Raven wouldn't be able to act like a dick.

"I need your help, as much as I don't want to admit it."

"And why should I help you?"

"Because I asked."

"Great reason. I'll go back to my game now." Demon rolled his eyes, sitting back down, yet Raven didn't leave. "You're not leaving."

"No really? I always thought that standing in the same place meant you were going somewhere else!

The scary part is she might not be joking about that.

So will you help me or not?"

"Like I said, why should I?"

Raven sighed. "I should have never even bothered...Who cares what he says, I am not groveling to this vampire kid..." She snorted, walking away.

Raven has just enough dignity to find soliciting help from Demon demeaning.

"I'll have to figure out Terra myself..."

"Wait. Did you say Terra? As in Tara Markov, captain of the softball team?



The blonde bitch stick?" Demon asked, looking up from his game.

"No, I'm talking about Terra's twin sister Anna!"

"Will you shut up and stop being sarcastic for five minutes? I'll help you if you just shut up and explain!"

"You are such a freak..." Raven muttered.

Raven, he's offering to help you now. You can stop brow-beating him.

"Yeah, like you can talk."




Raven needs to learn how to haggle.



That was too much for the librarian however, who stormed over to the pair. "THE LIBRARY IS SUPPOSED TO BE QUIET! YOU ARE DISRUPTING THE PEACE, AND ARE HEARBY BANNED FROM THE LIBRARY FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR! GET OUT OF MY LIBRARY!" The woman shouted, white hair frizzing, and pale blue eyes flashing. With that, she chased Raven and Demon out of the quiet, private sanctuary that is the library.

I'm sure Raven's going to show up to breakfast the next day complaining about what a horrible person the librarian is for totally attacking her for no good reason, and how they should totally get her fired on trumped up charges.

"YOU GOT ME KICKED OUT OF THE LIBRARY!" Raven exclaimed loudly.

I want to write up a detailed dossier on Raven's character. It fascinates me how anyone could be this unabashedly terrible and hypocritical.

"You were the one who started yelling." Demon pointed out.

"That's not the point!"

"You're right. It isn't. You still haven't told me what you need my 'help' for."

"It doesn't even matter! There's no way I'd work with you if you were the last guy on Earth."

"Which clearly, I"m not."

I'm out of pancake batter, so I have to pay attention to this shit.


"Whatever..." Raven sighed. 'I really really hate this guy...but he's my last chance to get something on Terra...hell, I'll do it now and stab him with a stake later...' (She's figuratively talking about the stake thing guys.)

'Course she is. And Terra never murdered her parents. Right. I gotcha.

"You still there?" Demon asked, waving a hand in front of Raven's face. When she didn't respond, he was about to poke her. Before he did, Raven grabbed his hand, and placed it firmly at his side.

What would this story be like if it were actually filmed? Can you imagine how quickly the network would cancel it? It'd be off the air before you could say "Sarah Palin's Alaska".

"Okay, fine. I'll let you help me. One rule though. Don't. Touch. Me." Raven hissed.

"You'll let me help you? I should let me help you!"

Demon's definition of "help" includes groping. Lots and lots of groping.

"Either way we're helping each other, so let's just get on with it."

"Okay, so just tell me already what this is about."

And so Raven started to explain.

Fifteen minutes in, Demon laughed in her face, turned around and ran the fuck away.

'...As my friends influence me, they say all I need to do to suceed is to---'

"Boring anti-drug commerical..." Garfield muttered as he changed the channel the next morning.


"Boring American Idol..."

'And the SECRET to ETERNAL LIFE is...'

"Boring eternal life..."


"Boring Rome..."

Yeah, Jim Rome isn't my favorite sports commentator either, Gar.


"Boring horror movie..."

'And now we've got the number one music video, and it's---'

"Boring music channels..."

'And the U.S. has now found Osama Bin Laden. More news on CNN in---'

"Boring politics..." Garfield changed the channel yet again.

Oh, that figures. Idiot.

"Hey, what's up?" Bee asked sitting down on the couch.

"Nada." Garfield replied. "Absolutely nothing."

"That's not really true, you know that right?"

"Please, tell me what I could do instead of flipping random channels."


"I don't know...maybe going to the Regents practical we have in ten minutes." Victor pointed out, leaning on the common room couch.

Regents? Practical?

I don't speak prep school. Can we get a translator in here?

"Yeah, what he said." Bee agreed, pointing to him.

"Wait." Garfield quipped.


"You two agreed on something." Garfield realized, eyes wide. "IT'S THE APEACOCOLYSPE!"

"The what...?" Bee stuttered.

"I think he said apeacocolyspe." Victor answered. "Which I have no idea what that means."

"He means apocolypse!" Kori corrected, joining the group.

Actually, he means "apocalypse," but thanks for playing, Kori.

"Hey, I thought you guys were going to convince Garfield to come to the practical? You know the practicals---"

What the fuck is a practical?

"Are in then minutes, we know, we know. They went over that already." Bee pointed out.

"BUT YOU GUYS AGREED ON SOMETHING! IT'S THE APECOCO---APALYP---THE END OF THE WORLD!" Garfield exclaimed, scrambling behind Dick.

"He's got a point." Victor nodded.

"What'd ya mean? You're sayin we can't agree on anything without the world breakin in two?" Bee yelled angrily.

"Of course I am!"

"WHY YOU----"

I'm going to try and write a synopsis of the action thus far. Here goes.

Raven read a book in the early morning, bitched someone out, then Terra showed up and left. Raven felt suspicious of Terra because why not. Then she and the rest of the cast ate breakfast. Raven felt suspicious of Terra some more. Meanwhile, Garfield and Victor acted like retards in public because Jefferson is apparently a special education academy, while Raven acted suspicious of Terra some more. Dick convinced her to go seek help from Demon, who engaged her in a shouting match for no reason before eventually agreeing to help her. Then we cut to a partial cast lazing around and talking about absolutely nothing of consequence.

This isn't one of the better chapters.

"Bee...do not..." Kori shoke her head warningly.

"BUT HE---"

Kori is going to love and tolerate the shit out of you unless you cut the jibber-jabber this second, Bee.

"Is just being his normal self. Now c'mon. We've got the practical session now." Terra voiced.

I think that's my favorite bullshit stand-in for "said" that's been used thus far. Beats out "Speedy instructed" by a mile.

"Hey, what happened to Rae?" Victor queried. "I thought she was coming with us."

Maybe someone will start acting suspicious of Raven for sneaking off constantly, and we'll get a sequence where Raven is called out for being suspicious of Terra while displaying the same behavior and acting like it was totally okay.

Naw, who am I kidding? Raven will be right, and the entire cast will line up to suck her dick. Praise be to Croft.

"She managed to take it yesterday...I don't know how...but she did." Garfield answered.

"Please! We must go now or they will not let us in!" Kori reminded them all as she led the way out.

The rest of them followed her out of the common room, heading for the science building.

There was an author's note here about how Queenie still hadn't figured out the school's layout. It devolved into some weird monologue about Steven King. You're better for not having read it.

Looking at her watch, Kori realized that they were not going to be let in if they didn't get in now.

"We will be late! I WILL FAIL THE PRACTICAL!" Kori cried out, stopping. "Then we'll fail our Earth Science regents, and then it'll go on our record and we won't get into a good college and--"

"--I'll have to become a ten-cent hooker, just like every other woman in my family dating back to King Solomon's time!

"Kori...Kori...it'll be okay..." Dick consoled. "You're not going to fail the practical...we can still get to it. There's five more minutes before they start."

"Yeah, c'mon!" Speedy agreed, pulling her towards the building.

"I can get there myself!" Kori retorted, freeing her arm.

"Sheesh, just trying to help."

"Dude. Give up. She don't like ya, and never will." Garfield pointed out, pulling him away, to which Speedy merely shrugged.

Poor Speedy. First Garfield retroactively steals his girlfriend, and now Kori won't even spare him a passing glance.

"They make a great couple don't they?" Bee sighed, crossing her arms, leaning against a nearby tree.

"Yeah..." Victor said, smiling slightly as he watched Dick slip his arm around Kori's slim waist.

His smile grew wider and wider as he watched Dick push his luck as far as it would go. And it went far, my friend. It went far.

"Raven, can I talk to you for a minute?" Demon asked her.

"What's u---" Raven started to respond.

"Hey, hey, what's little Darryl visiting Raven for?" Victor interrupted.

Demon snarled his teeth. Unlike Raven, most of the school was pretty scared of him.

For some reason.

"DUDE! He's got his teeth bared! He's gonna bite me! HE'S GONNA BIT ME! SAVE ME!" Garfield exclaimed, scrambling behind Victor (My...he's a bit of a coward).

It's all the tofu. Robs him of his courage. And, if his "artwork" from a few chapters back is any great indication, his motor skills.


"Uh...yeah...c'mon Gar.." Victor said nervously, attempting to appear unfazed, but was failing miserable. "Let's just go leave Darryl to his whatever he's doing..."

"It's Demon.

Demon: I'm totally hardcore. I file my teeth into fangs, I wear red contact lenses and I refuse to go by my birth name.

And that's not really any of your business." Demon retorted, then proceeded to drag Raven to a quieter place.

She wrenched her arm away, and glared at him. "What did I say about touching me?" She spat.

"That's not important."

"Considering you're violating my personal space, yes, I'd say it is."

Well, considering you're a bitch, shut up Raven.

"I have the tape. You were right." Demon blurted out, frustrated.

Demon: There was an extra roll of Scotch tape in the art room.

Raven's eyes widened. "What? Are you serious?"

"Of course I'm serious."

"How did you get it?"

"Clearly you underestimate me."

"And how exactly is that?"

"I am the darkness, I am the walls. I watched them in secret, without them knowing it.

Oh, great. Demon stole Raven's journal, and now he's reciting her crappy poetry.

At one point, I was right behind them and yet, they didn't look back. Simply put, the darkness I claim and watch from shadow..."

"How poetic." Raven rolled her eyes. "And in English?"

"I followed them with a video camera."

This is way less wrong than whatever Terra may be doing because Raven, I guess.

"So you have a tape?"

No, Raven, he said that he had a tape because he didn't have a tape. You smooth criminal you.

"What'd you think?"

"Just give it to me!" Raven exclaimed, clearly annoyed.

"Whatever. Here." Demon replied, handing the black tape over to her.

Idiot, that's electrical tape, not Scotch tape! Useless cad; begone I say! Begone!

Raven looked down at it for a second, and put it in her bag.. "I'll take a look at it after school. Hey, tha----" She looked up to thank him, but saw no one was there.

"Sheesh...he really is good at that..."

In my headcanon, Demon is Batman undercover, investigating Principal Mendoza for suspicious dealings and possible ties to the Falcone crime family, and he acts like a douchey teenager as part of his act.

"Hey, Raven, c'mon, your late for class!" Garfield exclaimed, dragging her towards their next class.

"You were waiting for me?" Raven asked in disbelief.

"Yeah!" Garfield answered as the two entered their class room...late. Again.

A couple of days later, the weekend, most of the group was returning from a trip to the local pizza place. Well, everyone except Raven.

She choked to death on an onion. Nothing of value was lost.

Well, besides the onion.

"Where is Raven, anyway?" Garfield asked.

"Uh...last time we checked, she was in the common room." Bee remembered.

"Let's go look for her..." Dick suggested warily.

"Sure, no problem." Victor agreed.

What followed was a thirty minute sequence of the crew gearing up to go find Raven in the common room.

"Uh---I've got to get somewhere." Terra said, running off in an opposite direction.

So, with Terra off somewhere, the rest of the group went off to the common room. When they arrived there, they discovered that she was sitting in front of the TV, exactly where she had been.

Mojo Jojo's still ghostwriting for this thing? Hasn't he got anything better to do?

"Uh...Rae...what's up?" Speedy asked.

"Guys, you have to see this..." Raven muttered.

"What're you watching anyway?" Bee asked, peering at the screen.

Raven: I recently starred in an...independent film. It's called "2girls1cup." C'mon, have a seat. The best part is coming up.

"Isn't that Terra?" Garfield inquired, also looking at it.

"No, it's Terra's evil twin Anna." Raven rolled her eyes.

That's still not funny, Raven.

"It's exactly what I've been trying to tell you guys for the last year."

"Which is what...?" Victor piped.

"That's she's an evil, backstabbing traitor. What else has she been ranting about for the past month?" Dick reminded them.

This chapter is leaning dangerously upon the fourth wall.

"Do not tell me that you think so too? What has Terra ever done to us?" Kori sighed.

"I don't even know anymore..." He trailed off in reply.

"Look, whether or not Raven's right isn't important. At least give her a chance." Speedy suggested.

At least give her a chance to make seditious claims about her friend. Doesn't matter if she's right, wrong, or totally off base and wildly paranoid. Let's listen to her anyway because she is Raven, all knowing and wise.

"So can we just put the bloody tape in already?" Raven grumbled.

"Uh, Rae, the tape is already in." Bee reminded her.

D'ooooooh, that rascally Raven and her technological incompetence that verges on functional retardation.

"Yeah, just rewind it to the beginning." Victor advised, taking the remote from Raven.

"HEY! USE ONE OF YOUR OWN!" Raven exclaimed, snatching it back.

Yeah, Victor's just been building remote controls in the background all throughout the story. It was first mentioned in the chapter where Garfield and Terra got together.

"Here ya go!" Garfield said, promptly handing Victor a remote.

"I don't even want to know why he has that." Speedy rolled his eyes.

"Just give it to me, morons." Dick said, taking charge of the situation.

This story is incapable of simply getting to the damn point.

"Fine..." Garfield sighed, handing over a remote.

The rewind button was pressed, and well, the tape...rewound! What'd you think it did? Floated up in thin air and emanated sparkly buttons? Sheesh... you people...

Hard to believe when the author insists upon inserting lines like that.

"Now press the play button and watch." Raven demanded as it finished rewinding all the way.

"Okay." Victor nodded, grabbing the clicker---I mean the 'remote control' again, pressing play.

The blank screen flickered on, revealing a group of five people.

Josh Richaron.

He carrys with him an air of command, so he may not be the leader, but he's the backbone...

Yeah, I already made fun of that line in the chapter where it was first said. Doesn't need repeating. Moving on.

Brittney Williams.

Wearing creepy, long, sea foam polished nails...

That means she's a villain. She polishes her nails. Only villains wear nail polish.

Madison Raye

As long as she is not betrayed, her loyalty is unfailing. But if you get on her bad side… well, there’s no one left to ask what it’s like...

She and Terra probably bonded over their mutual love of homicide. And covering up homicide to look like suicide.

Another one of the popular girls, Heather Boutwell,

She's sort of like an Irish Simon Cowell, but with evil injected into every pore...

You know, it's really disappointing that we need to resort to ass-pulls this late in the story to round out the Legion of Doom here.

Let's think of a few characters who could have been the fourth member of the Prep Squad. Established characters who have appeared in the story in an antagonistic role. Here we go.

Adam Crete, Kitten's boyfriend, X, any one of the Washington kids (that is, Mammoth, Gizmo and Jinx), Rita Z. Vanderbilt, Michael Null, one of the idiots who've appeared in the classroom scenes. Or how about a Titan villain who hasn't been added to the Rogues Gallery yet? Billy Numerous, Seemore, Kid Wykkid, Adonis, Dr. Light--the list goes on and on.

My point is that there were options here, yet Queenie inexplicably went with an entirely new character whose name sounds like something a redneck would say while hemming and hawing. "Well, I'm talkin' 'bout, well...


Red Herring?


That was my next guess.

But remember, I said possibly. Not definitely. Possibly. Remember that...

What? No. What? What? If there's sense to be found in that line, I'm not seeing any of it.

"Does anyone know why Terra is hanging out with those who tormented us?" Kori asked, blinking at the TV screen. Raven sighed, and paushed the tape. This was going to take a while.

They could just, oh, I don't know, watch the tape to the end. But no, refusing to show the cast the thing which you brought them up there to see in the first place, that's much more constructive.

Raven is an idiot.

"I get what Kori's saying about Brit, but who's that redhead...hey, she's hot..." Victor said, looking at the screen.

"Definitely." Speedy agreed.

Ha, not even the characters in the story know who Heather is. Subtle commentary on her nature as an ass-pull, perhaps?

"MORON!" Bee hissed, slapping Victor upside the head.

"What'd I do?" Victor cried out.

"Heather Boutwell..." Kori muttered under her breath. "The question is truely, what did she not do."

"What happened Kori?" Garfield asked.

"Long story." Both Kori, and Dick answered together.

It all came back to Bitter Springs, and the fateful tragedy which happened there. That night, Dick lost his faith in humanity. That night, Kori nearly lost her mind. And Heather Boutwell was there, standing amid the bodies, gleefully unrepentant. Heather Boutwell lost nothing at Bitter Springs, because for Heather Boutwell, there was nothing to lose in the first place. Because to a warmonger like Heather Boutwell, war...war never changes.

*roll credits*

"CAN WE JUST GET BACK TO THE TAPE!" Raven exclaimed in desperation.

Well, why did you pause it in the first place, dingus?!

"Oh yeah...tape." Bee laughed nervously. "Continue."

After the infamous play button is once again pressed and everyone's attention turns to the Pentagon of Evil---I mean, the five people on the screen, the story unfolds.

"How much longer do you think you'll have to do that whole double agent thing anyway Markov?" Josh asked.

Ah, here we see Terra meeting with her contact in the Soviet Union. Soon, all of Jefferson's secrets will be in the hands of the Reds, and they'll be able to crush the American imperialists once and for all!

"Not much longer. I've just about got everything I need. We know most of their secrets by now anyway." Markov---I mean Terra replied, laughing.

Oh, it's one of these again. Judging by the last several times a character's secrets have been revealed, this'll probably be along the lines of "Garfield's socks do not match occasionally" or "Kori's favorite brand of lotion is Pert 'n Popular." Venal shit like that.

Is that really the worst thing that Queenie can think of for teenagers to do to one another? Reveal their secrets? Gotta say, this is weak. Really, really damn weak. Not worth the build-up.

"I can't believe those idiots can't catch on to us! It's not like they'd ever find out what we're doing!" Brittney said, in a very loud voice.

"Brittney, if you don't want the entire school to figure out what we're doing, I think you should shut up." Madison advised.

"I don't know...the Goth girl is pretty aware, she might get it sooner or later." Terra warned.

Terra: I might have to arrange a 'Parents Night' for her.

"Oh c'mon, do you really think that anyone would believe her?" Josh rolled his eyes.

"THen we'll get back at them..." Madison growled, looking fierce.

For doing...uh...what did they do again?

What are the villains' motivations here? Queenie's trying to give them a reason to ruin the cast's lives besides "we're just kinda dicks," but it doesn't work because I can't think of a thing that the characters have done to them, either as a group or individually. Brittney and Madison are newcomers and have been pretty unobtrusive, Richaron hasn't interacted with anyone from the gang outside of Terra and Victor (for, like, two seconds), Heather is a newcomer and Terra's been a part of the gang since day one. They have no motivation whatsoever to do this. It would have been better had Queenie just made them do it because they're assholes, instead of fabricating an imaginary reason for them to shit on the cast.

Furthermore, this whole situation creates a pretty big plothole. Terra's been double-agenting since the start of the story, right? Which, itself, speaks volumes about the stupidity of our cast, but we already know they're idiots, so hey. Anyway, but she had that short-lived crush on Richaron, right? Who acted like he barely knew her when they had that one-sided flirtation. Treated her like an annoyance, actually, and rightly so. But now it's revealed that they've been hobnobbing for a while, which makes the TerraxRicharon love story completely illogical and implausible.

Finally, it was said that Kitten had been kicked out of her group of friends by Brittney, her cousin. Yet none of the people in this group have ever been tied to Kitten (and Heather's never even appeared in the story before). Did Brittney kick all of Kitten's other friends out of the group and start fresh with Richaron, et al? If so, what is Kitten complaining about? Why is Madison a member of the grand conspiracy when she's only been around for a few chapters?

So then Worf has a purple space bazooka--oh wait, that's the wrong thing. My point here is that this development is entirely unnecessary and stupid and I hate this story a lot for being dumb.

"Stupid idiots...they'll never know what hit them." Brittney cackled.

"Yeah...hey...wait a minute..." Terra paused, turning...eventually facing the camera, peering around the area.

"What is it?" Josh asked.

"Nothing...just thought something was there." She muttered softly.

Terra makes your average Metal Gear Solid NPC look like a master of counter-espionage.

"Yeah right, like anyone would---

---Ten Minutes Later of the Tape----

And Raven stopped the tape. "That's just the first bit of it. Do you really think that you need to see anymore?"

Raven: You really don't want to know what they do with what's in the cup.

"But I do not understand...why does Terra not like us?" Kori asked, innocent eyes wide, looking crestfallen.

Yes, what about you people could anybody find disagreeable enough to plot against you over? You're all saints, practically!

"Yeah, we didn't do anything to her." Victor agreed, looking annoyed.

"But we're gonna do something to her." Dick snarled.

"I don't believe it." Garfield replied stubbornly, arms crossed. "She would never do that. She's--she's TERRA for crying out loud. We've never done anything against her! She has no reason to do that. I don't believe it.

Even Garfield thinks that this plot device makes no sense. That's saying something.

She's, she's---"

"A backstabbing, anorexic bitch stick." Raven snapped. "The proof is on the tape."

"How did you get this anyway?" Bee asked, slightly confused.

"Not important.

"I hired somebody to stalk her" doesn't sound so good when you say it out loud, does it Rae?

The important thing is that we need to find out what they're up to, and be on guard. We need to---"

"Hey everyone! I'm back from---well I'm back!" Terra declared, walking up to the group.

"Speak of the devil." Speedy muttered.

"What's up, why's everyone so...angry?" Terra asked, seeing everyone's faces.

They're all upset over Walrusguy being banned from YouTube by Colgate.

"You." Victor said simply.

Then Terra saw the screen. Her proud face of happiness turned to one of guilt and astonishment. "No. You--you didn't. I didn't! I WAS FRAMED!"

"What more proof do you need?" Bee whispered to Garfield.

"I won't believe it." Garfield hissed back, still not taking the information in.

"I can't believe I got caught." Terra said in disbelief, wide-eyed.

No, Terra, you fool! You should have tried convincing them that you were really framed! They're all dumb as a very, very stupid brick! You could have gotten away with it, you fool! You foolish fool!

"So that's it?" Raven asked, standing up. "That's it. You don't care about apologizing, finding an alibi, all you care about is that you got caught?"


"You are sick Terra. Really sick."

You hang out with mean people at school. You're worse than Hitler.

"Oh yeah, like you can really call me sick." Terra snapped back.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Sep 18 2011, 11:09 AM

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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post Sep 18 2011, 09:53 AM
"Why you little---" Raven started to move towards Terra, but was held back by Kori and Victor, the two strongest of the group.

Dick, Garfield, Bee and Speedy are all athletes who are probably in peak physical condition. Yet Kori is stronger than all of them?


"Raven, do not!" Kori ordered.

"Rae, she's not worth it."

"Of course she's not worth it. She doesn't deserve to be here! She's a traitor! She goes around telling us how she's all Anti-Prep and how she's so trustworth and what does she do? She goes around telling all our secrets to the bitichiest people in the whole campus!" Raven snapped.

No no, she told them to Brittney's friends. Why would she tell you your own secrets? What could that--oh wait, you didn't mean--ha, well. Excuse me. Carry on then.

"Not worth it indeed. Terra, it would be in your best interests to leave." Dick agreed.

"FINE!" Terra exclaimed, heading towards the rooms.

"Where are you going?" Garfield asked, finally saying something.

"To my room." Terra snarled.

"Not without us, c'mon, Bee, Kori. We have to make sure she doesn't try anything." Raven snapped, breaking free from her two friends.

Yeah, she might...she, uh, she might...


What's the danger here?

"Sure thing." Bee justified, aiding her friend

"Wait." Garfield said, he too standing up. "I've got one question first."

"What is it?" Terra snapped.

"How long?"

"Eight inches," said Terra. "Because I, like X, am a man."

"How long what?"

"How long have you been playing some stupid double agent!"

"You want to know how long? Every since eighth grade. All of those years. Eighth, ninth, tenth, and now"

Wait, but you are in eighth grade. You were entered in the eighth grade science fair. What's going on? Who are these people? I am so confused...

Just then, it hit Garfield. When he went out with Terra. He went out with her last year.
And he had told her everything.

Oh, well then Garfield's in luck; Terra doesn't have anything on him because HE NEVER WENT OUT WITH TERRA!!!!!!!
But before Garfield had the time to let this all sink in, a couple of things happened.

A hang glider crashed through the window, carrying twenty sticks of dynamite, as mole people burst from the air vents and got caught in Kori's ponytail.

Terra stomped off to her room, Raven ran after her as fast as she could --which wasn't very fast--, Kori and Bee went after Raven to aid her, and the boys just sort of sat there in shock.

The message here is that boys are useless.

God, this story's sexist.

One of their best friends had just betrayed them...to a bunch of...preps!

Nazis, they could understand. Satanists, they could forgive. But preps?! That was crossing a line, missy.

Meanwhile, in the girls' room, Terra was packing all of her stuff away, very quickly.

I guess she got her room reassigned offscreen because she knew that the others were going to find out about her betrayal and she wanted to be ready to leave when they did.

"Terra, how could you be such a traitor?" Raven shook her head in disgust.

It's like Raven hasn't been reading the author's notes.

"You were right Raven, this isn't worth it. I'm going. I'm leaving this stupid room, and moving into Brittney's."

"Can she do that?" Bee whispered to Kori.

"Yes." Kori answered quietly.

Kids can just do whatever the fuck they want at Jefferson. Including attempt homicide and swich dorms on a whim. Because that's the kind of principal Mendoza is.

I miss Wilson.

"So that's it? You're just moving?" Bee turned to Terra, wanting to snap, but not doing so.

"Yes! I am!"

A very helpful exchange, thank you. I wasn't quite sure that Terra was moving out, but now I am.

"Why?" Kori asked softly as Terra began to walk away. But when Kori asked that, she (Terra) turned sharply, an angry look on her face.

I'm actually looking forward to reading this. I want to see how much of Terra's justification is grounded in the reality that the story has presented to us.

"Why?" Terra hissed. "WHY? Why is because I am so sick of you all. You're all stupid goody-goodies, who won't do anything wrong, and I'm can't stand it. You're all so happy, so sweet, so angelic, and it makes me sick."

None whatsoever. Status quo: Maintained! Terra decided to betray the not-Titans because they're just so darn nice! Not because they're callous, shallow, spoiled do-nothing brats who shun diversity and frown upon uniqueness while two-facedly celebrating those very qualities in their own private little club. No, Terra's bad because she doesn't want to associate with them, not because they're horrible people, but for the exact opposite reason: They're the bestest people in the world, and Terra is just bad to the bone.

"Happy?" Raven retorted. "Hardly."

"Shut up Goth." Terra spat. "The point is, I'm sick of all of you, I've been sick of you, everything about you pisses me off, you all are so stupid, and I'm sick of you all! THAT is why."

If I were to ever quit working on NTL, for whatever reason, I think I'm going to explain why with that line.

With that, Terra picked up the rest of her stuff, and walked away, leaving them all behind.

She returned a moment later, having realized that she forgot her lipstick-smothered black and white photograph of Warren Beatty on her bed. Then she repeated her assertion that the characters are too nice for her, and once again stormed away.

Well, that's that then. It took twenty-five chapters, but the "TERRA IS AN TRAYTOR" subplot finally got resolved. I hope you're all as satisfied with the resolution as I am, because that, friends, was some nifty storytelling right there.

QUOTE (theabhorrentatrocity @ Aug 15 2015, 02:25 PM) *
daddy longleg spiders are scary as they're one of the most poisonous spiders so not much of an over reaction.

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