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> Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares
Post #21
Kuramastrassx3


When I play the game, I get lost in a phase...
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post Jul 22 2010, 07:28 PM
QUOTE (Al_Cone @ Jul 22 2010, 10:26 PM)
Twilight with no vampires is Twilight.
*

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Like the moon over
the day, my genius and brawn
are lost on these fools.
~haiku


Angel of music sings, I pull the strings like Gendo
I control your every move, like buttons on Nintendo


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Post #22
Al_Cone


Where we're going, we don't need nanomachines
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post Jul 26 2010, 07:09 PM
Well gang, the moment has finally arrived--it's time for our intrepid heroes to go to the fall dance! Who will get together? What secrets will be revealed? What sort of intrigue and drama are we, the readers, in for? The answers, in order: Nobody, nothing, and a big fat load of dogshit![/b]

***

Chapter 4: The Fall Dance

Original Japanese Title: "Dance With Me?" The Pointless And Unnecessary Chapter!

That night, around 7:45 (fifteen minutes before the dance started) the girls were finally ready. (Well girls do take forever. I should know. I take like, hours...).

You know what I love more than anything in the world? When the author breaks up her already-flimsy and difficult to stand narration to inform the reader of some meaningless part of their everyday life that they neither asked about nor cared to hear. I just can't wait until the author interrupts the story to go on a two-paragraph rant about the jungle gym being painted with lead-based paint.

"Wow! I can't believe it took us so many hours to get ready!" Kori exclaimed.

"Yeah but it was worth it! We look good!" Terra said.

"Well, compared to how we usually look. The correct term is "mildly-less repulsive."

"And now I'll win that bet!" Bee said.

Bee was dressed in a yellow halter top with black capris (sp?) and black sandals.

Oh dear God.

Her hair was put up in a bun, with two curled (thank you invention of the curling iron) pieces of hair hanging on either side of her face.

This gave her the unfortunate appearance of a Hassidic Jew.

She was wearing a little bit of gold eye-shadow. Not to much, just enought to accentuate (i love that word) her eyes and clear lip gloss (something in my opinion, no girl should be without. Or at least chapstick...but that's just me).

Hey! Guess what? Nobody cares, and that has nothing to do with the story! biggrin.gif

She was wearing a black choker neclace, with a little tiny bee charm hanging off of it and medium-sized gold hoop earrings.

She didn't feel that she looked quite tacky enough, it seems.

"Is that all you can think about?" Raven asked.

"Yeah!"

"You mean you don't like him just a little?" Terra asked.

"No."

"I find that hard to believe." Raven said.

"Well believe it girl. I only agreed to go because I'm gonna win the bet. He thinks that with my style, I can't look good."

Bee: And dammit, he's right. Hey, the dance hasn't even started yet and I'm already near tears. New personal best!

"And you certainly proved him wrong."

"Too bad we didn't bet money." Raven said.

"We all look good!" Terra said.

Terra was wearing a camaflouge style tank top,

Old habits are hard to break, after all.

a jean jacket, jeans, and brown boots. Her hair was done in a loose braid. She really didn't like make-up,

Except for her camo facepaint. A girl's gotta coordinate.

but let the girls put a little bit of eyeliner and mascara. She was wearing long dangling earrings, with a small blue butterfly at the end of each earring.

"Terra what's with the butterfly earrings?" Raven asked.

"Yes, they do not seem like your style." Kori said.

"I've had them forever. My grandmother gave them to ages ago."

"Whatever." Raven said.

Hey, you asked, bitch.

Raven was wearing wearing black pants with a black tank top (you know, like the one Starfire normally wears, that's really more like half a tank top?)

They have a term for that. It's called a fucking halter, you ignorant toerag.

with black boots. She wasn't really into the whole 'dressing-up' thing.

Hell, if she had her way she'd be running up and down the school in her birthday suit. Her roomies literally had to hold her down and force clothes onto her in the morning.

"I think they are very nice!" Kori said.

Kori was wearing a pleated jean skirt with a long sleeved light purple top and purple ballet flats. The girls had used the curling iron to not curl her hair, but give it more of a wavy look, and then she had pulled her hair back with a light purple star clip that matched her outfit.

I remember how, at the end of the last chapter, I was so relieved to find that we were spared the makeover montage that usually accompanies scenes like this. If I'd known then that we were still going to be forced to sit through the aftermath of that montage, I likely would have killed myself then and there.

She had used pale pink eye shadow, mascara, and pink lip gloss. She was wearing amythest stud earrings.

Well, at least she didn't spell it "amnifist."

"You would."

"C'mon, let's go to the dance, we'll have the boys meet us there." Terra said.

They're not even officially paired yet, and the girls have already got them whipped.

Around 8:15, the boys showed up at the school's (very big) gym, which was decorated for the dance.

Unfortunately, they'd gotten Serena to do the decreations. All were aghast at the sight of her family's mangled corpses suspended from the ceiling.

"And you're late why?" Raven asked.

"Didn't the dance start at 8:15?" Speedy asked.

"It started at 8:00. Duh!" Terra said..

"It looks like you los the bet Victor." Garfield said.

Actually, since fashion and beauty are both very relative things, Victor will only lose the bet if he concedes that Bee looks like anything except a crack whore in a blaxploitation film.

"Yeah, don't remind me." Victor complained.

Victor officially has the brain capacity of a toenail.

"I think I will. I told you I could. Ha ha ha." Bee mocked.

"Well how was I supposed to know that someone could look good if they dress like a bumblebee?"

Looks like SOMEBODY's going to be paying a visit to Anthrocon this year.

"What is wrong with that?"

"Who dresses like a bee?"

"I do!"

So do disturbed gay men in their thirties. Think about the company that you're putting yourself in.

"Can't you guys go five minutes with out fighting?" Dick said.

"Maybe if they start dancing they'd shut up." Raven asked.

Bee: Ow! You dumb piece of shit, you keep stomping on my toes!
Vic: Well it's a little hard to see, since you've covered my entire body with deadly hornets!


"Possibly. But who knows?." Garfield said.

"How about we dance?" Kori suggested.

"Sounds like a good idea to me." Terra said.

About half-way through the dance, nothing had happened. Nothing. And at this school, it was odd for nothing to happen.

Hell, four drive-by shootings, a brutal knifing and the filming of the third film in the Batman trilogy on the school grounds just barely constitutes a slow day.

Very courteous of the story to inform us that nothing was happening, by the way. It's like, I sort of guessed that I had boredom coming out my ass, but without the story's confirmation that there was, indeed, nothing noteworthy to read about, and that by extension I was wasting my time on this tripe, I probably wouldn't have thought twice about it!


"Okay this is weird." Terra said. The group wasn't dancing anymore, but talking on the side of the room.

"What? That Bee and Victor aren't fighting?" Garfield said.

"Yeah that's not weird Terra, that's a miracle." Raven pointed out.

"True." Kori agreed.

"No! Not that!"

Terra: I spiked the punch with LSD an hour ago, but this place is as sober as Salt Lake City!

"What could possibly be weird? Nothing's happening." Dick said.

"Exactly. Since when has nothing happened here?"

Well, the last three chapters, for instance...

"Even Kitten-I mean Camile hasn't bothered us. Something must be wrong." Victor pointed out.

"Camile? That slut from yesterday?" Bee asked.

"Yeah."

"So I see that you all paired up for the dance." A voice said. The group turned and saw that Camile and her group was walkign toward them.

The boys behind her hunched over and began snapping their fingers rhythmically.

I thought the story was going to start referring to her as Kitten. Man, I can't take anything this shit says at face-value.


"We spoke to soon." Dick said in a dull tone.

"Sooo do you want to dance with me on the next slow song Dick?" Camile asked.

"No."

"You must not have heard me right. Of course you'd want to dance with me."

Camile: Or did you not notice that we were all carrying automatic rifles?

"No I don't."

"But I want you to. You know you want to too!"

"Kitten, he does not want to dance with you. Now leave us alone." Kori said.

"Stay out of this." Mandy said.

"Well if stay out of this, you should too."

"It's none of your business."

Since this story, once again, has tactfully neglected to inform the reader who's talking, I'm going to assume that this is a confrontation between Billy Mays and the bad guy from Tron.

"Well it's none of yours."

"And I thought it was bad when Victor fought with Bee? You should see these two go. They're related you know." Terra whispered to Speedy.

"Really? They do look similar." Speedy replied.

Orphans--especially orphans of indeterminate origin, who only know that they came from a hotbed of military action and societal upheaval and have no other family members to speak of besides one another--are also very well-known for ignoring familial bonds and trying to strangle one another at a moment's provocation.

"Stay out of it!" Mandy said.

"No!" Kori replied.

"Yes!"

"This is getting ridiculous." Garfield said.

Garfield: I'm gonna go be in that Joey Buttafuoco guy's story. Anything's gotta be better than this.

"STOP!" Raven yelled.

"Why should we? This has nothing to do with you." Camile said. "So Dick, are you going to dance with me?"

"No. Kori's my date, and I'm going to dance with her."

And we're back to square one. If someone doesn't start bleeding in the next fifteen seconds, I'm going to be very grumpy.

"Oh you don't really dance with her do you?"

"For the last time Camile. Yes, I want to dance with her. And no, I am not dancing with you."

I've read the word "dance" so many times in the past five seconds that it's lost all meaning to me!

"Hey Kitten, if you're so popular, where's your boyfriend?" Bee asked.

Probably trying to cajole Dick into dancing with him, too.

"It-it's none of your business."

"Last time I saw him, he was outside with, what's her name again? Oh yeah-"

Bristol Palin.

She gets around.


"Shut it! You don't know what you're talking about!"

"Su-ure we don't." Dick said.

He patted his chest. "Sorry, hiccups."

Aggravated, Camile and her 'friends' left.

Well, that was beautifully pointless.

"Took them long enough." Speedy muttered.

"I knew things wouldn't stay quiet for long." Raven agreed.

So "halfway through the school dance" doesn't qualify as "staying quiet for long," does it?

"Hey a slow song! Terra do you want to dance?" Speedy asked.

"Sure!" Terra replied, and the two went off on to the dance floor.

"Kori?" Dick said.

"Yes, I'd like to dance with you." Kori answered, and those two also went off to the dance floor.

"Umm...Raven..do you think that you'd like to-you know..-" Garfield started to ask.

"Dance?" Raven suggested.

Gar: Well, I was going to say "fuck like jackrabbits," but you're right--baby steps.

"Uh..yeah dance! Do you want to dance?"

"Sure. C'mon." Raven said as she half-dragged the stunned Garfield on to the dance floor.

"Umm...Bee?" Victor asked.

"What?" She snapped.

"Nevermind if you're going to be rude about it."

"No seriously, what?"

"Well, since everyone is dancing I thought-"

"You thought that we could dance together."

Vic: Actually, I was hoping we could ditch this scene and get high.

"Yeah."

"Sure, why not? Not like I've got anything better to do." Bee said as they to went onto the dance floor.

After the actual dance (the event, not the song) was over, the group gathered outside.

It was now time for the ritual two-minute's hate of that son of a bitch Wilson for putting together a kickass fall dance. Curse you, Wilson, and your impeccable array of snacks and treats, your impressive arrangement of colored lights and, most grievous of all, your well-polished multi-faceted mirror ball!

"Well that was better than I expected." Garfield said.

"What did you expect?" Raven asked.

A monotonous chapter of forced tension and flat chemistry where nothing of consequence happens and the narration itself even admits that there's nothing worth reading about in it.

"Well, for one thing, I didn't expect you to agree to go to the dance with me and for another, I didn't think that you would dance with me when I asked."

"But isn't that the point of going to the dance with someone? To dance with them?"

Actually, it's to support the wall and hit the booze for three hours while letting your insecurities and social anxiety sabotage whatever chance at human interaction you may have had.

"Yeah, but you don't seem like the type who-"

"The type who dances? Yeah, I normally don't. But I made an exception."

"So I'm an exception?"

To Darwin's law of natural selection.

"Pretty much."

"Cool!" Garfield exclaimed and Raven gave him an odd, but amused look.

"Never knew a girl who dressed like a bumblebee could dance so well." Victor said to Bee.

In other news, Bee dresses like a bumblebee. In case you haven't gotten it yet, here comes the author with a giant mallet emblazoned with "Bee dresses like a bumblebee" in neon-pink bold-faced lettering. She will bludgeon you with it while R. Lee Ermy leaves several insulting, massively-profane voicemails on your phone that all amount to "Bee dresses like a bumblebee." And if you don't get it after that, then God help you.

"Well I didn't know that a technology, car, sport-obsessed guy could dance so well." Bee replied.

I guess being fond of those things...impairs your ability to move rhythmically.

"Well I do-"

"Or lose a bet so easily."

"Hey! How was I supposed to know!"

"Relax, I'm joking."

Vic: Well I'm not! *PIMPSLAP*

"Right. Yeah."

"Interesting crack you made about Camile's boyfriend."

"Yes! Where did you come up with that?" Kori asked.

"I didn't come up with it, I saw it." Victor replied.

"Really? You saw Camile's boyfriend going off with someone else? Who?" Garfield asked, joining the conversation.

It took him quite a bit of doing, but he was eventually able to separate his face from Raven's long enough to get off that one question.

"It was true? You really did see her boyfriends go off with someone else?" Terra asked as she to joined the conversation, now everyone was in it.

"Yeah, who was it and how can I thank them? At least it made her go away." Dick said.

"That's true." Raven said.

"So who was it?" Garfield asked.

Man, all this build-up and question-dodging had better lead somewhere fuckin' awesome...

"I don't know who it was, it was another one of Camile's cronies though."

YOU SHITMONKEY.

"Turning against Camile. Smartest thing the girl's probably ever done." Speedy says.

"Wait, don't you have that football game tomorrow?" Bee asked.

"Yeah, so?" Victor asked.

"I dunno...I was just mentioning it." Bee said.

I love irrelevant tangents! biggrin.gif

"Ookay...now on to other topics...I'm going back to the room. I'm tired." Terra said.

"That's because you've been dancing for like five hours straight." Raven pointed out. "But you know, you have a point about it. I'm kind of tired."

"Same here! I'm going to bed." Kori agreed.

"G'night girls! We'll see you tomorrow!" Victor said.

"No you won't! You've gotta get up early for practice." Garfield reminded him.

I'm not sure why the story keeps taking the trouble to point out that Vic is a member of the football team. I'd say that it's because the author is going to include a football game in this story, but she probably has as much knowledge of that as I do of string theory.

"Dammet I forgot! I've gotta wake up at 6:45 on Sunday! I need sleep!" Victor said as he raced toward the boys dorms.

"Does he always do that?" Speedy asked.

"Pretty much." Dick said.

"That's pitiful." Raven said.

"And ignorant!" Kori said.

"And fun to torment!" Terra said.

"And chauvanistic!" Bee added.

"And clueless!" Kori added, and the girls burst out laughing.

Callbacks to previous chapters only work if they make sense.

"Are you following any of this?" Garfield asked.

"No." Speedy said.

"I think it's a girl thing." Dick said.

"Just slowly back away..." Garfield said.

Oh my God, I've figured it out. This story--it's Lucky Star. It's an adaptation of fucking Lucky Star using characters and situations from Teen Titans. It's just a gaggle of annoying teenagers standing around in a circle and making observations and remarks about things and people for thirty fucking minutes, twenty-nine times in succession. That's what this shit is. I'm simultaneously happy to have made the realization and infinitely angry with myself for choosing to read this drivel.

"Let's just get back to the dorms." Dick said.

"Do you think we scared them?" Terra asked.

"Probably." Raven said.

"Cool!"

"Why do you take such amusment out of tortureing people?" Bee asked.

"Who, me?" Ocelot asked, twirling his gun idly. "Man's got to keep busy, I suppose."

And, in a rare twofer--Amusment! Tortureing!


"I dunno..it's fun!" Terra said.

"We will not pull an 'all-nighter' tonight. I have been up for 16 hours on only five hours of sleep. I am really tired." Kori said as she yawned.

"Yeah but it was worth is!" Terra said.

"And we got Raven and Kori dates!" Bee said. "And you guys had fun didn't you?"

"I guess so." Raven said.

Bee slammed the back of her fist across Raven's mouth. "Didn't you?!" she repeated in a harsh, almost feral roar.

"Of course!" Kori said.

"Now why can't you have a more positive reaction like Kori?" Terra teased.

"Don't push it." Raven said.

Raven: Don't make me bitchy. You won't like me when I'm bitchy.

"I cannot wait til the next dance!" Kori said

"Hey I've got a question." Bee asked as they got into their room.

"What?" Raven asked.

"When's the next dance?"

"Sometime in December I think." Terra answered.

Oh bliss. Another six or so chapters, and this whole thing starts over again.

"And what's today's date?"

"Today is October 16th."

"So that is...let me see...a little bit over a month and a half." Kori deducted.

"I'll remember to make a calender." Raven said sarcastically.

It'll be a swimsuit calender. Featuring Christian Weston Chandler.

"Good idea!"

"Does Kori even know that Raven were being sarcastic?" Bee whispered to Terra.

"She does it all the time." Terra whispered back.

"So what time is the football game?" Bee asked.

"Aw...you want to go and support your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend!"

Bee: He's just a well-built black kid who happens to be of the same ethnicity as me and who I clash with frequen--yeah, okay, I guess he's kind of my boyfriend.

"Su-ure." Raven said.

She coughed. "Dammet Robin, did you give me your hiccups?!"

"No really! He's not!" Bee protested.

"You fight more than Garfield and Raven did. And look at them." Terra pointed out.

"Hey!"

"If you like teasing Garfield that much, tell him that tomorrow." Raven said.

"I like the way you think. That's a decent idea."

"Can't anyone tell when I'm sarcastic anymore?"

"Obviously not!" Bee said.

This chapter should have ended a dozen paragraphs ago, and yet, like a tick latched onto the left buttock of Western literature, it continues to grow...

"I gotta write that down...so I'll be reminded in the morning!" Terra said. "Anyone got paper?"

"Here you go." Raven said as she ripped a blank sheet out of her nearby notebook.

Raven: I WAS going to use it to write my new fanfic, but I guess I can just get a new notebook, or something. It's going to be about a gothic vampire who goes to Hogwarts and falls in love with Draco Malfoy!

"Thanks!" Terra said as she picked up a nearby pen and started scribbling on it.

"Don't forget to set your alarms! The game starts at 9:30!" Bee said.

"You just want to be there for your boyfriend!" Terra said.

"I'll argue that later. G'night." Bee said as she turned off her lamp. The others did the same, and after Terra had finished writing whatever she was doing down,

Probably sketching a floorplan of the administrative building for use in a future operation.

she and the others went to bed.

And if they die in their sleep, it'll be four fucking chapters too late.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 07:04 AM


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Post #23
Protto


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post Jul 26 2010, 09:55 PM
Goddamn, you're right. It is just like Lucky Star. Goddamn...


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Post #24
T_K_17


#oh it's JUST tk
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post Jul 26 2010, 11:58 PM
I only wish they would spend their time talking about how they prepare and eat food rather than these shitty relationships.


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2. Saiyaman (f)
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5. Desires Unspoken - Deluxe Special Edition (f)
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Post #25
shiroamasa


Shush. The super-adults are talking.
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post Jul 27 2010, 08:30 AM
Whoever wrote this story should have his junk bitten off by fire ants.


--------------------
"GAAAAAAAAAAME!" -HCBailly

"I'm HCBailly, and my cat is sleeping on my subwoofer." -HCBailly, playing Final Fantasy 3/6

"SURPRISE FISH!" - Deceased Crab

"Whoa, dude! Want some pizza with your brain arms?" Retsupurae, on Quadraxis14's LP of Contra 3

"How rude!" HCBailly, playing Secret of Mana.

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Post #26
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post Jul 27 2010, 02:55 PM
this is boring me to tears...............


also,

"Does Kori even know that Raven were being sarcastic?" Bee whispered to Terra.

did i miss something? are there two Ravens now?...am i acually trying to make sense of this?!?!!?


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O pitiful shadow bound in darkness,
Looking down upon people, and causing them pain...
A soul drowned in sinful karma...







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Post #27
DraculaMarth


Literally The Worst
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post Jul 28 2010, 06:28 AM
I have a question: Why does Teen Titans always have the shittiest fanfics. Think about it.

1) Anything by You-Know-Who

2) Normal Teenage Life

3) That Rape fic you mocked before this one

4) That Rape fic I am planning on mocking soon (Solitude by Fantasy Mind 93)

Is it really that hard to make at least a tolerable TT fic?

I am liking this mock.


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He'll be missing a melon and a head when a nigga gets the munchies. Y'all white folks better hold me back


QUOTE (TigerOfThunder2013 @ Jul 14 2013, 10:09 PM) *
Go kill yourself DraculaMarth! No one wants you here. I was here to defend a story. Not deal with shitty people.

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Post #28
The Two-One-Five


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post Jul 28 2010, 11:15 AM
QUOTE (DraculaMarth @ Jul 28 2010, 07:28 AM)
I have a question: Why does Teen Titans always have the shittiest fanfics. Think about it.
*

Haha, then clearly you don't know jack shit about DBZ fanfiction. Hint: There is no fighting.


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Post #29
T_K_17


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post Jul 28 2010, 01:56 PM
QUOTE (The Two-One-Five @ Jul 28 2010, 12:15 PM)
Haha, then clearly you don't know jack shit about DBZ fanfiction. Hint: There is no fighting.
*

None that's written well, anyway.


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Mocks:
1. Digiball Z - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 (f)
2. Saiyaman (f)
3. Saiyaman 2 - 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11
4. Teen Titans vs Project AFTER - 2 3 (f)
5. Desires Unspoken - Deluxe Special Edition (f)
6. TK versus Birdboy | Fandom | Empire - Part 1
7. Garden of EVA - Sucks Everybody! (f)
8. What is War? - 1 2
9. My Little Unicorn: Star Fleet Magic - 1 2
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Post #30
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post Jul 28 2010, 02:32 PM
QUOTE (T_K_17 @ Jul 28 2010, 02:56 PM)
None that's written well, anyway.
*

Like Clash of Champions where Trunks raped Sailor Mars with his knee.


--------------------


"The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.Ē

Commala-come-come,
The battle's now begun!
And all the foes of men and rose
Rise with the setting sun.


I am He who howls in the night; I am He who moans in the snow; I am He who hath never seen light; I am He who mounts from below.
My car is the car of Death; My wings are the wings of dread; My breath is the north windís breath; My prey are the cold and the dead.
- Psychopompos
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post Jul 28 2010, 06:59 PM
QUOTE (Badass Overlord @ Jul 28 2010, 02:32 PM)
Like Clash of Champions where Trunks raped Sailor Mars with his knee.
*




The fuck is wrong with fandom?

Seriously, the fuck is wrong? I first hear about a story where a raptor rapes a dude at Jurassic Park, then I hear about a scat Tifa/Cloud fic and now this? Why do these people think we want to hear about their weird ass fetishes?


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Post #32
The Chosen


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post Jul 28 2010, 07:04 PM
He didn't actually rape her, he just kneed her in the crotch. But I guess that's close enough.


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Al_Cone


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post Jul 28 2010, 07:08 PM
I'd like to make a correction: When the author interrupts the story to point out that someone's shirt is similar to Starfire's "half tank top," and I angrily told the author that it was called a fucking halter top, I was wrong. That's not what a halter top is. I would apologize for this error, but I know in my heart that this story will fuck up thirty ways from next Sunday before it's over, and why should I apologize for screwing up once when the author never did for screwing up eighty thousand times per chapter?


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shiroamasa


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post Jul 28 2010, 08:40 PM
SUPER SAIYAN CUNT PUNT!

But seriously, why would they make such crap, besides for us to mock.


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post Jul 29 2010, 07:46 PM
Well gang, looks like I was partially wrong. We do indeed get to sit through a football chapter, except there's no actual football going on. So we only get a tiny taste of the author's pure ignorance on every subject besides mediocre teenage romance fiction. All for the best, I say.

***

Chapter 5: Washington Co-Ed Boarding School

Original Japanese Title: "Good Riddance, Victor!!!" Treachery On The Football Field!

Victor slammed his hand on his alarm clock to shut off his radio alarm.

[b]His steroid-enhanced physical strength crushed it like a grape.


"6:45? This is too early...stupid football game..stupid clock radio..." He muttered as he got up.

I don't recall anybody forcing you to join the football team. This is probably a byproduct of the female author believing that because she complains about everything she is a part of, everybody else in the world must do the exact same thing.

"Did you have to make it so early? And so loud? You're stupid alarm clock woke me up!" Garfield mumbled.

"Are you even up?" Victor mumbled.

"Yeah-course I-" Garfield said as he fell asleep.

Oh Garfield, you and your narcolepsy.

"Garfield? Gar?" Victor said as he waved his hand in front of his face. He didn't flinch, indicating that he was really asleep.

Or dead. He DID pass out pretty quickly. I don't think that's at all healthy.

"Didn't expect you to really be up. Ya don't function until at least 8:00 do you?"

"Hmm? Yeah 8:00...function..." Garfield mumbled in his sleep.

"He talks in his sleep too. Wow, I didn't need to know that."

Victor, because he lacks a brain stem, cannot imagine all the fun and wonderful things you can do with someone who talks in their sleep.

"Better get ready. I've gotta be on the field by 8:00." He said to himself.

Around 8:30, the girl's alarms rang almost together at once. It would have sounded the same, considering that they were all turned to the radio for alarm. Except of course, for the fact that they were all on different stations. It was a mix of pop (Kori's alarm), rock (Terra's alarm), punk (Raven's alarm), and R&B (Bee's alarm) all at once.

In case you'd forgotten just which stereotypes our cast was representing, the story goes out of its way to remind you.

"What's that noise?" Bee mumbled as she got up.

"I think it's all our alarm clocks mixed together." Raven said as she shut her's off.

I love how these kids have all been rooming together for, like, months on end, and they're only just now noticing the cacophony their alarm clocks make.

"Shut the alarm off! Make it go away..." Terra mumbled, as she slammed her hand on the clock, shutting the alarm off, Kori did the same.

Their alarm clocks exploded into tiny plastic fragments. They, too, were juiced to the extreme.

"Bee shut it off! We're up now!" Raven said.

"Aww! But I like Beyonce!" Bee protested.

Since the author no doubt realized just how hard she was beating the readers over the head with "BEE DRESSES LIKE A BUMBLEBEE," we are now going to be treated to the equally-tiresome "BEE IS BLACK" routine.

"It's too early to listen to music."

...Buh?

"We gotta wake Terra up somehow!" Bee said as she cranked up the volume.

"Okay..okay! I'll get up! Just turn it down!" She yelled as she got up and Bee turned off the alarm.

"We have got to pick a set station for our radios. I do not want to wake up to that every morning." Terra said.

...But you've been waking up to it every morning since school began. What is wrong with you people?!

"Why don't we just alternate?" Kori suggested.

"Or, how about we just pick one." Raven said.

Or, how about you shut the fuck up and do something interesting?

"Can we decide on a radio station later?" Bee complained.

"I get first shower!" Terra said as she ran into the bathroom.

"Dammet! I knew I should have gone in!" Raven said.

Hey, nothing's stopping you from showering together. You're in California. Social norms are looser.

"Is it like this every morning?" Bee asked.

"Pretty much."

"Does she get the first shower every morning?"

"Most of the time." Kori answered.

Kori: People who beat Terra to the shower have an unfortunate tendency to...disappear.

"Great. It could be worse. I could share a room with Camile."

"True. But I doubt there's a chance of that. She doesn't let anyone in her room and refueses to share it with anyone."

I'm sure that goes over very well at the boarding school.

"Doesn't the principal do anything about it?"

"You mean Wilson?" Raven asked.

"Since he is the principal I think I mean him. So, uh..yeah." Bee said.

"Wilson? Do something about Camile?"

"Yeah."

Kori and Raven burst out laughing.

It's probably gonna get harder and harder to hold Wilson on a pedestal from here on out, since the story's going to lean more on real, rather than imagined, offenses, so I'll probably shift focus to how retardedly the author is trying to characterize Wilson as a do-nothing evil bastard.

"What's so funny?" Bee asked.

"That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard of!" Raven said.

Raven: Besides a high school fanfic based on a popular children's superhero cartoon. Now THAT is a doozy.

"It's utterly impossible! I believe you are familiar with the phrase, teacher's pet?" Kori asked as she stopped laughing.

She has her own collar and everything.

"Okay. AND?"

"Camile is what you call a principal's pet."

"Wait correct what I said." Raven commented.

"When you said what?" Bee asked.

"When I said that it was the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

"I take it this involves something Gar said, correct?" Kori said.

"Of course."

Gar: If evolution was REAL, then how come monkeys didn't turn into humans in the zoo? Check-MATE, atheist scum!

Later that morning, around 9:30, Bee, Kori, Raven, and Terra met up with Dick, Garfield, and Speedy by the football field.

"So where's Victor?" Bee asked.

"Practicing. He's on the field. Number 4." Raven said.

Oh, and he wears Brett Favre's number. That's sure to make me hate him even more.

"He's not out there."

"Well he should be. Where is he?"

Just then, Victor emerged from the tunnel, a pair of fresh-pressed towels slung over his shoulders. He handed them off to the quarterback, eyes glowing with hero worship and joy at being included in some small fashion.

"Hey guys." A gloomy voice said from behind them.

"Victor? What are you doing here?" Bee asked.

Well, gee, I would assume he's ATTENDING FOOTBALL PRACTICE.

"Yes, should you not be practicing?" Kori asked.

"I can't." He replied.

"Why?" Raven asked.

Vic: I'm too busy playing with this cup and ball. Whooo!!! Whoooooooo!!!

"What happened?" Dick asked.

"I got into trouble." Victor said.

"What did you do? The only thing we ever do is skip classes!" Garfield said.

"I got into a fight with this obnoxious kid from Washington."

Vic: But to be fair--c'mon! The guy sparkles in the sunlight! He's just ASKIN' to get his ass kicked!

"How big was he?" Speedy asked.

"You don't want to know."

"I see the all-star quarter back can't play! Ha ha!" A voice said from behind Victor.

Victor turned and saw him, "Oh right. Yeah. No thanks to you Zach."

"Zach? Who's Zach?" Bee asked.

That's Zach. Man, pay attention.

"I'm Zach ya stupid bumblebee." Zack said as he moved out of the view of Cyborg.

Oh, by the way--BEE DRESSES LIKE A BUMBLEBEE.

"A) Don't call me a bumblee

He didn't, he called you a Bumblebee.

Bumblee!


and B) Victor, how did you get into a fight with this shrimp? How old are you anyway? You can't be our age." Bee complained.

"I'm the same age as you so don't rub it in!"

We haven't actually gotten a physical description of Zach, or any information about him, so I'm just going to assume that he's a formless entity of pure energy.

"How in the world did you get into a fight with this shrimp? What did he do? Kick your ankles?"

"I've got a bad temper and he insulted me."

"Gizmo what are you doing? Why are you talking to these Jefferson freaks?" A girl said walking up to the group.

Oh no, a gang of Presidential enthusiasts! These guys are hardcore about their love for James Monroe, and they'll take down anybody who adheres to a different executive.

"Gizmo? I thought his name was Zach?"

"Everyone who goes to our school calls him gizmo cuz the guys invented like, over a hundred different things."

Including, but not limited to, toilet paper, peanut butter, the internal combustion engine and warp drive.

"And who are you supposed to be?"

"I am the one of the Washington cheerleaders. Can't you tell?" The girl said indicating her cheerleading uniform.

In fairness, she could just as easily have been a porn star.

"And who are you?" Speedy asked.

"I'm Jill Stevens. Now Gizmo what are you doing over here?"

"I'm just gloating over the fact that their quarter back can't play because he tried to attack me. Now we're going to win for sure." Jill hit Zach on the back of the head withone of her yellow and black pom-poms.

Her pom-poms which resembled Bee. Who looks like a bumblebee, don'tcha know.

"Ouch! Hey what was that for?"

"What a stupid thing to do! Now it's not a fair game! You know how Mamommth wanted to play against him! You weren't supposed to get him in trouble!"

"Well it's not my fault the guy can't take a joke!"

"Sound familiar Garfield?" Raven whispered to Garfield, who laughed nervously.

"What did you call him?" Jill asked.

"Yeah, what did you call him 'Gizmo'?" Bee asked.

"Don't ask." Victor asked.

By the way, Victor's black too. Like Bee. Who dresses like a bumblebee.

"That was still a rotten thing to do!" Jill said as she hit Gizmo with a pom-pom again.

"God what's your problem? Not like he's your boy-friend!" And Jinx started blushing slightly.

"Let's just see what headmaster has to say about it!" She said as she grabbed his arm and dragged him away.

"So you can't play?" Dick said.

"Apparently not." Victor replied.

At least, not until Al Sharpton gets all up in this bitch. We shall overcome, and all that.

"That sucks."

"Don't remind me."

"Victor! Hey Victor forget about what I said earlier about you not playing! I talked to their head-master and he says the attack was provocked!

Some coach. The guy on the other team is pulling for his players more than he is.

You can play. Now, c'mon! The game starts in five minutes!" The couch said as he came over and dragged Victor away.

"How do you think that happend?" Raven asked.

"Maybe it was someting that Jill did." Kori suggested.

Oh, Jill did alright. Jill did skillfully and very persuasively.

"A girl from Washington doing something nice for a guy from Jefferson? That's crazy." Garfield said.

Oh, his school's name is Washington? He's not from Washington State?

How the hell many schools named after the founding fathers does the author think there are in California?!


"I don't know who said anything, but our team should be glad that someone did." Terra said.

"Why?" Speedy asked.

"Mammoth is quarter back right?"

"Yeah so what? He's just as big as Victor." Dick said.

"Exactly, so now that Victor's back on the team, it evens things out. But if they didn't, Mammoth would break through their defense line so fast, even our own team wouldn't realize it."

A clear and fundamental lack of understanding of just what a "quarter back" does. This is why women shouldn't be allowed to write about football.

"C'mon guys let's get out seats, the game is starting."

"Nah, I'm going back to the dorms." Raven said.

Raven: I want to get a good shlick in before the next chapter.

"Why?" Garfield said.

"Football bores me."

Well, it may not be as fast-paced or exciting as, say, wrist-slitting or writing bad poetry, but I think it has its charm, sister.

"So we'll see you at lunch after the game?"

"Sure."

"May I accompany you to wherever you are going?" Kori asked.

"Why? I thought you liked football?" Raven said.

"I enjoy playing it, but it is quite boring to watch."

No no, shug, that's baseball.

"Okay, so you'll see Kori and me after the game."

"C'mon guys! The game's starting!" Terra said.

"We'll see you guys later! Bye!" Bee said.

The group did meet up at lunch, but not with good news.

"They creamed us!" Victor said.

"It was brutal." Bee agreed.

It turns out, having Victor on the field actually hurt their performance. Which explains why Jill went to all that effort to get him reinstated. Gotta hand it to that girl.

"It was weird, but from where we were sitting, it looked to me that they knew your every play." Terra said.

If their coach were Bill Belicheck, that'd make a lot of sense.

"So I'm not going insane?" Victor said.

"What?" Raven asked.

"I thought that too, but when I said that, the coach thought I was making stuff up!"

Coach got a pink slip just before the game. He's not really trying anymore.

"But how could they know your every play?" Garfield asked.

"They'd have to spy on you guys or something." Dick said.

"But that's impossible! How could they possibly spy on you?" Kori said.

Send a guy in a hoodie with a camcorder to practice? It's a lot simpler than you think, sugartits.

"It does seem pretty unlikely...unless..."

"What? Unless what? I'd like to know why we lost!" Victor said.

Because you suck, Vic. Not the team, but you in particular. You make JaMarcus Russell look like Joe Montana times John Elway.

"Victor, when was the first time you encountered Zack or Gizmo or whatever his name is?"

"Right after practice. We'd gone over all our plays...and I knew them so well. All a waste of time..."

Looks like your only option is to kill yourself.

"No, when did you first notice he was on the field?"

"I dunno, right when we started practicing I think. Why?"

"For once, think on your own."

"Oh! I get it! Cuz the guy's such a supposid genius he must've memorized it!"

...Wait. Wait. So Gizmo hung around practice for one morning--one freaking morning, before a game--memorized every play that they ran, then shared that knowledge with the coach in the (by now, no doubt very slim) period of time between practice ending and the game starting?

Oh, well, that makes PERFECT sense!


"Exactly."

"Oh! I get it!" Terra said.

"So do we all get it?" Raven said. Everyone nodded. Except of course, for Garfield.

"I still don't get it." He said.

"Of course you wouldn't. You've got an IQ of six." Terra said.

"No I don't! It's at least 10 points higher!"

The sad part is, he's not joking.

"I prove my point."

"No seriously, I don't get it. Someone explain it."

"Do we have to spell it out for you?" Bee said.

"Apparently so." Raven said.

"Gizmo. Stole. The. Plays. During. Practice."

...I thought he memorized them. That's not the same as stealing them. That's completely different. For one, it takes less brainpower. For another, it MAKES SOME FUCKING SENSE. Since this story already established that he memorized them, I'm going to ignore this revelation.

"WHAT? Are the Washington kids still here? We've gotta get that twerp!" Garfield said.

"Yeah, they're having lunch outside." Speedy said.

Completely oblivious to the fact that the student body of the team that they just thrashed no doubt wants their blood. Not a smart bunch, these Washington boys.

"Well then let's go get them!" Garfield said.

"I'm with Gar on this one. Let's go!" Victor said as he and Garfield got up.

"Does this really seem like such a good idea?" Raven asked.

Victor, Garfield, Bumblebee, and Raven walked toward the students from Washington. They couldn't convince the others to go. Raven had only come to make sure that they didn't anything that was illegal or incredibly stupid.

"Do you have to do this?" Raven asked.

"They stole the plays. I am gonna kill that stupid little techno geek!" Victor replied.

"What are you doing here loser?" A voice said from behind there. "And I see you've brought loser friends."

Gary Oak?!

They turned around to find a guy as big as Cyborg standing there.

"Who are you?" Bumblebee asked.

"Mammoth. The quarterback who just beat your team!" Mammoth replied.

Mammoth: Before you ask, yes, I know that my character was established as being a nice, honorable person. But this is Normal Teenage Life, where characterization gets turned up on its head and fucked repeatedly up the butt, so forget everything you knew about me, because now, I'm a jerk.

"So you losers back for more mental abuse?" Gizmo said as he walked up, followed by Jill.

"No, we're here because we know that you know that we know!" Garfield replied.

"Do you ever make sense?" Gizmo said.

"In other words, we know that you stole the team's plays." Bee said.

"YOU STOLE THEIR PLAYS?" Jill said.

"And I helped!" Mammoth said.

We're talking football, Mammoth. Not Hamburger Helper. Just go stand in the corner until the big boys are done talking.

"YOU BOTH STOLE THEIR PLAYS?" Jill said. "YOU IDIOTS! ARE YOU TRYING TO GIVE US A BAD REPUTATION?" She hit them both on the head with her pom-poms.

"Sheesh! Jill chill out!" Mammoth said running away.

"Excuse these two idiots. I had no idea that they did that. It's not like we hits Gizmo want hits Gizmo a hits Gizmo bad hits Gizmo reputation. They're idiots."

...Um. Could you say that again, please, and this time...could you make some sense? If it's not too much trouble, I mean.

Really. I mean it. I'm hits Gizmo fuckin' hits Gizmo stumped.


"Ow! God you hit hard Jill! Chill out!" Gizmo said.

Jill: And you and Mammoth can just forget about that "Jill Sandwich" now!

"I think we can tell that they're idiots." Bee replied.

"Yeah well I can't believe that they stole your plays! They're not really that bad. It's just they're just very competitive." Jinx said, moving closer to Victor.

Bee shot her a glance that said, 'back off girl'.

And by "glance," the story means "deadly bullet bees." And by "back off girl," it means "They're going to burrow into your skin and kill you from the inside out." You don't mess with The Pain's kool-ade.

"The damage is done. Now why don't you go off to your stupid little headmaster and tell him that his two prized students are lying, cheating pieces of-"

"Hey! Don't insult our headmaster! Mr. Blood is a very good headmaster!

Granted, he doesn't get along with Mr. Crip, the headmaster at Adams, but he does his job and he does it well, dammit!

And just because they stole your lame plays doesn't mean that their bad people!"

"Yes it does! That normally counts as acting like idiotic jerks!"

"They are not-"

"Yes they are!"

"No they're not!"

"Will you girls quit fighting?" Raven said.

No no, this is the most interesting development thus far. Let's get some mud and a pair of metal bikinis in here, see what happens.

"And who are you?" Jill asked.

"None of your business ya stupid prep."

Oooh, ice burn. Way to go, Enoby.

"I am not a prep."

"Ooo! Cat fight!" Beastboy said.

"It is not a cat fight!" All three girls said at once.

"Point blank, they stole your plays, and we can't get them back. The damage is done. End of story. Our schools will hate each other-" Raven said.

"They already do hate each other." Jinx said.

"And right now, I hate the students even more." Bee mumbled.

It's probably too much to ask for to want Terra to detonate a huge pile of C-4 where they're standing as part of her jihad against privileged upper-crusty teenage shits, but hey, a man can dream...

"What? Jealous because I'm flirting with your boyfriend?"

"He is not my boyfriend."

"Talk to the hand girl." Jinx said as she walked away.

Wow, first we get "stupid prep," and now "talk to the hand." These are some brutal insults. It's probably only a matter of time before we get the "I am rubber and you are glue," routine.

"Well that was of no help." Raven said.

"Can I pound the hell outta that guy now?" Victor said.

"No. If you do you'll get kicked off the team. Again." Raven said.

"Yeah, there's no point in staying around here. Let's get back to the dorms, lunch was over 15 minutes ago, and Washington's leaving." Garfield said.

"You guys go on, I want to go check something out." Victor said.

Vic likes to sneak into the boy's locker room after the games, break into all the lockers, and breathe deep the sweet scent of sweaty jockstrap.

"Just don't get yourself in trouble." Bee said.

"If I do, I'll call you. I've got my cellphone with me."

"I'll keep mine on."

"Same here." Raven said.

"Me too." Garfield said as he held up his green phone and turned it on. The three students walked away.

...The hell was that, a cell phone advertisement in the middle of the story? Dammit, the author forgot to advertise a specific brand. Don't she know anything about marketing?

Victor started walking toward the Washington group, but he was stopped.

"I take it you are Victor Stone? Quarterback for the Jefferson team?" The man said.

What man? Where does it say anything about a man?! Why--oh, I can't even pretend to care...

"And who are you?" Victor said.

"I'm the headmaster for Washington high. Just call me Mr. Blood." He replied.

His first name is "MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!" His friends call him Stu, though.

"And what do you want?"

"Well, I see that you are a very good player, and I was thinking it would be good if you transfered to our school. You know, then we'd have two of the best quarterbacks in the state.

The dreaded dual-quarterback formation--never fails to catch opposing teams by surprise. Partly because of its retardation.

You'd never lose another game." He said.

"No. Freak'n. Way." He said. "Not with cheating students who steal other school's plays."

"If you say so. Just think about it. The offer still stands." Mr. Blood said as he walked away.

"Well that was weird." Victor said as he started to walk back to the dorm.

Actually, what was REALLY weird about it was the way Blood winked and licked his lips sexily.

"So what happened?" Garfield asked as Victor walked into the room.

"Nothing." Victor lied. He didn't feel that the others needed to know what happened. "Anything interesting happen when I was gone?"

Not in this story, Vic. Never in this story.

"Aside from Camile still attempting to get Dick to go out with her?" Speedy said.

"I said something interesting."

Though it apparently qualified as "something interesting" in the last chapter. Like I said, no such thing as consistency in Normal Teenage Life.

"Nothing new. Nothing new yet anyway."

'I dunno...maybe I should actually take that guy seriously? It seems like a weird thing to do.'

"Victor? Victor are you there?" Dick asked.

"What? Oh yeah. Sorry, just thinking."

Vic: How much wood COULD a woodchuck chuck...?! Dammet, this is gonna be bothering me all day!

"Something obviously happened that you're not telling us about."

"Nothing happened."

"Dude, your lying. Even I can tell and according to everyone I meet, I have an IQ of like, 6." Garfield said.

"It's nothing I'm telling you! Even if it was, I'm not telling you!"

"God, chill!" Garfield said.

God: Hey, asshole, leave me out of this or I'll visit a plague on your ass.

"And she was so flirting with him! It was disgusting!" Bee was saying to Terra, Kori, and Raven.

"Really?" Kori asked.

"Yeah! She was totally flirting with him! She was all over him, it was disgusting!"

Hey, Bee, rumor has it that she was totally flirting with him, and it was disgusting. Can you confirm or deny?

"Me thinks the lady doth protest too much."Terra said with a smile.

And now we've invoked Shakespeare. The circle of horseshit is now complete.

"Cut the Shakespere and tell me what you're talking about."

"You've talked non-stop about him for the three days that you've been here."Raven said.

"So what? I always talk about things a lot!"

And Garfield's supposed to be the stupid one?

"I told you that you'd like him." Raven said.

"I do not!"

"Yes you do!" Terra and Raven said.

Dude, Bee, you're black, he's black--just stop trying to fight it, okay?

"No I don't!"

"No you don't!" They said.

"Yes I do!" Bee said. "Oops..."

Ahahaha, great, great, this story's now got an intellectual maturity on par with an episode of PB&J Otter.

"So you do like him do you not?" Kori asked.

"No comment."

"We'll get it out of you later." Raven said.

Raven: By force, if necessary. I've got Ocelot on speed-dial, motherfucker.

"Now we've gotta figure out a way to get back at that nasty Washington prep!" Terra said.

"Stupid preps..." Raven mumbled.

Ya lol i fokkin h8 dose prep fukerz dey ned 2 stfu!111111111111111

"I'd be glad to get back at her any day."

"Well then that's exactly what we're gonna do!" Bee said.

But will there be blood? Oh yes, there will be blood.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 07:07 AM


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The Two-One-Five


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post Jul 29 2010, 08:58 PM
I got about half way through this before I just gave up. WHAT THE FUCK CAUSED THIS SHIT TO RECEIVE SO MANY DAMN REVIEWS?
Also:
QUOTE
It was a mix of pop (Kori's alarm), rock (Terra's alarm), punk (Raven's alarm), and R&B (Bee's alarm) all at once.


Oh, goddamn it!


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Neko_Maid


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post Jul 30 2010, 10:00 AM
I hate this story with all my being.


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"That Ms. Paint is one classy Prospitian lady. She is the model of grace and beauty. I am always a bit flustered in her presence, especially when she carries her little pail around like that.

Whereas THIS lazy sack of crap here makes me sick to my stomach.

Cal, God damn it. We were all supposed to dress up for this. It doesn't look like you even touched that nice suit I sewed for you, let alone swapped your eyes with those billiard balls and make them alternate rapidly.

This insubordination is putting me in a foul mood. It's bad enough I just had to take Falcor out behind the woodshed and blow his brains out after he caught the rabies."


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post Jul 30 2010, 10:07 AM
Fuck, Raven wouldn't listen to punk. She'd listen to industrial/metal/goth stuff. just from that one little bit, I firmly believe that the author does not listen to current music whatsoever.

other than that, the mock kept me awake. Boring is right.


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wait they legalized gay marriage i thought they legalized hay marriage what am i gonna do with this bale of hay
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Post #39
The Chosen


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post Jul 30 2010, 12:13 PM
QUOTE
It's not like we hits Gizmo want hits Gizmo a hits Gizmo bad hits Gizmo reputation.


Wh- Uh- I, um- just- er- WHAT?!?!!?!?!?!!?


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Post #40
shiroamasa


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post Jul 30 2010, 02:43 PM
QUOTE (The Two-One-Five @ Jul 29 2010, 08:58 PM)
I got about half way through this before I just gave up. WHAT THE FUCK CAUSED THIS SHIT TO RECEIVE SO MANY DAMN REVIEWS?



Hey, what can I say? most people will like ANY fanfic, no matter how horribly written the plot is, or filled with atrocious grammar. *shrugs*


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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 25th October 2014 - 11:41 PM