Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares Options

[Al_Cone]

The End Cometh

Spoiler alert

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 12 2011, 11:00 PM

[Al_Cone]

Well, ladies and gentlemen, it seems that our authoress has deleted her entire ff.net anthology, which leads me to conclude that she's found this mock and moved to stymie me.

Not to worry, however, as I still have the entire story backed up on my hard drive, unabridged and chock full of authorial inanity. This turn of events only ensures two things: That I will be getting an earful (and I am so very much looking forward to that), and that I'll have to spend a large amount of time trimming every last bit of chaff from the remaining chapters of this story. If I were to post them with every single author's note in full...well, suffice to say, that'd require a mock in and of itself.

Anyway. Chapter 22 (the story claims that it's chapter 21, but you and I know better, don't we?) is the last chapter that'll be culled from the story's online repository, and chapters 23-29 will be drawn from the back-up on my computer. Not much has changed, but I thought you'd care to know.

That said, what can you see/On the horizon? Why do the white gulls call?

Because they see Normal Teenage Life, and they cry out for death to take them.

********

Chapter 21: "Don'tcha Just Love Being Normal?"

Original Japanese Title: "Clash of Power Versus Power on the Court! Bee-san's Destructive Rivalry!!!

"Our next unit is going to be on the Holocaust. It's a-no not SOCIAL STUDIES, don't be ridiculous-" The Language Arts teacher started to say one day.

That was the day the students lost their patience with Ms. Contreras and her multiple personality disorder.

But she was interrupted as the entire class groaned and many had something to say.

"The Holocaust?"

"That's depressing!"

"That's SOCIAL STUDIES!"

"Feh, I know about the Holocaust already, I've read books on it."

"Angel at the Fence taught me everything I need to know about it!"

"Why do we have to learn about it?"

"This is stupid!"

That entire exchange is more true to life than I'd care to think about. I hate children.

"Settle DOWN everyone. You'd think I asked you all to take the ELA's again." The teacher exclaimed. "As I was saying, it's going to be a group research project mostly, and we'll start in the library tomorrow. Today we'll go over the basics of the project, and tomorrow we'll meet in the library. Remember that."

"Can we pick our groups?" Someone called out.

"No."

I guess Disembodied Voice is the TA.

"Right! So your homework is to find one article on your topic. Meet in the LIBRARY tomorrow. DON'T FORGET!" The teacher exclaimed as the class dismissed.

"God this is going to be so boring.." Raven said to Garfield after class.

It fucking figures that Raven would bitch about learning about the goddamn Holocaust. Keep in mind, friends, that this is one of our two Jewish characters talking here.

"I guess it's a good thing that I can play with the background for the Power Point presentation though."

Raven's got a kick-ass screenshot from her snuff film that she's going to use as the background for the slide about Josef Mengele.

"Eh, at least we're in the same group. And Zeke and Stacey aren't that bad either. Not like we're with Lauren or anything."

Ugh, Lauren! I hate that Lauren!

Who's Lauren? Golden opportunity to namedrop Kitten, just to remind us that she's still in the story, and it gets wasted in favor of namedropping bastards from Queenie's everyday life. This story's rapidly starting to resemble Sonichu in terms of real-world content bleeding into the narrative.

"True."

"But I can't believe we've got to do concentration camps and ghettos. They're so-"

"Garfield, do me a favor." Raven quickly interrupted.

"Yeah, what?"

"Stop talking."

"Umm...yeah...sure..." Garfield said. "Just wondering, but what did I do wrong?"

You can complain about how boring the Holocaust is, but you can't complain about ghettos and concentration camps. Raven logic. Don't try unraveling it.

"Hey guys guess what!" Bee said as she ran up to the two.

"What is it?"

"They have BASKETBALL TRYOUTS DISNEY MOVIES!" Bee exclaimed happily.

Both Garfield and Raven failed to see the cause of excitement.

They're not black, like Bee.

"And?" Garfield asked.

"What's your point?" Raven put bluntly.

"BASKETBALL TRYOUTS!" Bee repeated excitedly.

Bee's excited because this way, she has an excuse to hang around sweaty, gangly women.

Raven sighed. "What's so important about basketball tryouts? Oh wait-wait I get it-" But before she could continue, Kori came rushing up to the three.

"Basketball tryouts!" Kori exclaimed.

Oh, I get it, it's a thing. Ha ha ha ha. Ha.

Why didn't Kori say it in ALL CAPS though? Maybe she's not as excited as Bee, I guess.

"ALL RIGHT!" Garfield exclaimed and Bee and Kori stopped ranting about tryouts immediately at the sudden loud noise. "I believe we're already aware that there are basketball tryouts! Now will someone please tell me why it's so damn important?"

In Garfield's mind, basketball is rivaled only by the Holocaust in terms of triviality.

"Oh." Kori replied.

"Isn't it obvious?" Bee asked.

"You know Garfield. He's denser than a freakn' oak table." Raven answered.

Don't say that, Raven! He'll throw a temper tantrum, disappear to the art room and make crude sketches of you being crushed by blunt force trauma!

"Oak table? How dense is an oak table anyway?" Garfield asked.

Wasn't that the name of the episode where Starfire accidentally got sent into the future?

"I dunno..." Bee replied. She then took a quick look at her watch. "Oh! Gotta go! If I'm late to class I'm gonna get detention...again!

Which is, of course, Wilson's fault. Somehow.

C'mon Kori." Bee said running off with Kori quickly following after her.

Garfield looked very frustrated just then. "No one told me what's so bloody important about basketball tryouts!"

"First of all Garfield, stop using bloody. That's my term.

She's trying to pepper her lingo with English phrases in the hopes of attracting that dashing young Croft boy.

Second of all, neither of us can afford more detention. We've gotta get to class."

"NO WAY! I'm not going anywhere til someone tells me what's so important about basketball tryouts! I'll sit right here all day if I have to!" Garfield exclaimed sitting down in the middle of the hallway.

Dammit Garfield, first you go on a hunger strike because you didn't get the punchline of Victor's knock-knock joke, and now this!

"Ay dios mio..." Raven muttered under her breath, rolling her eyes. "If you don't move, I'll leave you here."

Leave him a pistol with a single round.

"Fine!"

"Raven started to walk away, but stopped and bit her lip. "Damn that conscious." She muttered turning around.

If only she were unaware of Garfield's presence, he wouldn't bother her nearly as much!

She held her books tightly in one hand, and used her other hand to drag Garfield upright and yank him towards class. "MOVE!" She ordered.

"Hey!" Garfield complained trying to get free. "I said fine! That means leave me there!"

I want to understand Garfield's thought process, but I'm afraid of going stark raving mad from it.

"No."

"Rae!"

"What happened to Bee and Kori?" Dick asked when the group met up after classes.

They're still standing in the hallway, shouting "BASKETBALL TRYOUTS" at one another like simpletons.

"BASKETBALL TRYOUTS! HAH! I'VE GOT IT! THEY'RE AT BASKETBALL TRYOUTS!" Garfield exclaimed after a few moments of silence.

Speaking of simpletons.

Raven snorted with bemusement. "And that took him two hours."

"I didn't know that. I thought they had those months ago for this season." Terra commented in confusion.

Victor shrugged. "New principal, new tryouts. At least now we don't have to redo the football season."

"That Mendoza is the one strange principal."

"Oh, don't be ridiculous. We all know that Wilson was worse." Raven disagreed.

I'm thinking back, trying to remember all the instances of Wilson displaying gross insensitivity towards his students' emotional well-being and the brutal murders of their parents, hiring incompetent substitute teachers to fill the classrooms with crackpot theories and invalid teaching methods and repeatedly letting death gangs roam the school in search of a particular child to maim. Nothing's coming up.

What a damn good principal he was.

"Do you know what that guy's first name is? Slade. I was watching Fear Factor the other day, and there was this guy named Slade. What mother in her right mind names a child Slade?" Garfield commented.

Well, I don't know, Garfield. Who in their right mind names their child after a cartoon fucking cat and a dead President whose greatest achievement was making mutton chops the "in" beard?!

"Slade? Like that igneous rock?" Terra asked with confusion.

"Actually it's Slate, and it's a metamorphic rock." Raven corrected.

Yeah, Ms. Future Geologist. You think you know more about your particular field than Raven does?! She is all-knowing and wise, motherfuckermurderer.

"Igneous rock." Don't bring that weak shit up in here.

"Whatever. I still don't like it." (Oh so true)

In basketball tryouts, the couch was currently explaining something.

Couch: The next person who loses the remote in my cushins gets the sweet task of vacuuming out every last crease on my body. There's at least fifteen years worth of breadcrumbs in there, knuckledraggers!

"Right, so my real name is quite hard to pronounce, so just call me Coach T.M." The rather old-looking, rather short woman asked.

"How can such a short, old person be a basketball coach?" A blonde, green eyed girl asked.

"First of all Ms-"

"Brittany Williams." She said in an annoying voice that sounded like a deranged, dehydrated, desperate, damaged hyena on marijuana, steroids and cocaine.

Again, golden opportunity to reintroduce Kitten to the reader, wasted in favor of yet another random excerpt from real life. This story is nonsensically written.

"Ms. Williams, first of all, the outward appearances cannot always be trusted as the true answer to a person's ability. Second of all, if you do indeed wish to be apart of this team, you must wear the appropriate attire." The coach responded.

To that however, Brittney started laughing. "OMG that is :laugh: like :laugh: so funny:laughs:"

"It wasn't a joke."

Every sentence in this story is a joke. The only thing missing is the punchline.

"There is nothing wrong with what I wear!" Britteny argued standing up. Yeah sure. Like a short pink mini denim skirt, and a white tank tup cut at the bottom so it looks like a sports bra is so appropriate for basketball tryouts.

Hey, you're the writer, and you put her in the outfit. It's on you, not her.

Immediately after Brittney stood up, a very tall girl stood up after her.

"Not now Brittney. If you want to make the basketball team, then for once, listen." The girl hissed, and Brittney and this other girl sat down.

The transfer student from Planet Amazonia is really taking charge here. I vote her for Team Captain!

"Sure Maddy..."

"And don't call me Maddy. It's Madison." Madison answered.

Yet another character who isn't relevant to the story comes and goes like a tumbleweed caught in the breeze.

Madison Raye, as her full name was, had long black hair, with blue highlights clearly noticeable, but not as bright as her eyes, which were dark sapphire blue, which scanned the room, taking in each and every person, as if analyzing them. All in her gaze shuddered. She herself was wearing dark blue jeans, and a black, form fitting tank top.

Since her form was that of a bulging, six hundred pound manitee woman, it goes without saying that every human being was revolted by her skintight clothing.

"Now, I need you all to tell me any experience you have." Coach T.M. asked. "Okay, you...Bee I believe it is? You shall go first."

Bee: Once, when I was passing through a POW camp in Sicily, I noticed a couple of German officers playing a pick-up game of basketball. So I covered them in bees and watched them writhe in delicious PAIN!

"Yeah, it's Bee. How'd you know that?" Bee asked, surprised and flattered at the same time.

"I have my ways." The coach said with a slight smile.

Coach: *thinking* Your ass is so big, it may as well be a thorax.

"Please, continue."

"Well, uh, I was head of my basketball team at my old school and we only lost one game."

Bee: It was the game that I was playing in!

"Nice, now you...Kori Anderson, I believe it is."

Kori looked up, "Oh yes, um, I've never been on a basketball team before, but I've been told I'm rather good at it."

Kori: My boyfriend once watched me practice and said that I was good, but I think he may have just been commenting on how bootylicious I look in these shorts. I mean, check out this booty!

Madison: DAYUM, that is one bootylicious booty!

Coach T.M. AKA, True Master from "The Quest". :glares at Cheerful Oblivious:)

If you can't pick up on obscure one-shot characters from the TV series, den FUK OF!!111111166666666666

nodded in comprehension, and went off doing the same with the rest of the girls...going down the line.

Brittney's cousin the infamous Camille aka Kitten...

There she is! And it only took an EIGHTEEN CHAPTER ABSENCE for her to reappear!

and some other girls...Christine... Leslie...Catharine...Jessica...et cetera...etc.

You know, all those memorable characters. Ah, Jessica and Christine, the shenanigans those two girls get caught up in.

Then the coach got to Madison.

"Madison isn't it? So, what experience have you had before?"

"I've been trained in fencing, judo, karate, and archery." Madison answered, putting some hair that came loose from her braid behind her ear, revealing a doubly pierced ear, moonstone stud in one hole and a sapphire dangling earring in the other, with a moonstone diamond stud on top.

This character has somehow managed to out-Mary Sue all the damned Mary-Sues in this story.

"I didn't exactly mean that...more as your experience in basketball Ms. Raye."

"Oh, I have no experience in it,

Madison: I just thought you should know about my totally kick-ass resume as the biggest BMF in any west coast prep school in history so that you could automatically reserve a place for me on the team. Sure, I've never played a game of basketball in my life, but I'm so good at everything else that, dammit, I'm sure I'll pick it up with no trouble at all. Would you like to have sex with me now, or later?

but they refused to let a person trained in karate and judo on the martial arts team,

Yeah, heaven forbid that you actually know the sport that you'll be competing in.

What kind of logic is that? They won't let her on a team which she has copious qualifications for, but she can go into a basketball tryout completely unprepared and secure a spot on the team?

so I decided to challenge myself."

"There! Now that it's all done with, let's start the drills!"

"What type of drills exactly are we doing?" Kori called out.

"You shall find out soon enough. Right now though, we're going to warm up. Everyone start running around the perimeter of the gym, stopping only when you are told to do so."

Kori led them all in the customary "I don't know but I've been told" cadence.

"I hate running!" Britteny called out.

"Eh, it's worth it to get on the team." Bee said in comment.

Two hours later, the first days of tryouts were over, and many people were griping as the girls changed in the locker room.

You don't need to tell me that people were griping; experience has taught me to just always assume that people at this school are griping.

"She's gonna work us to death!"

"I like running! That was fun!"

Get out of the girl's locker room, Forrest!

"I'm not even sure if this is worth it."

"Can you believe that Madison Raye girl? She's pretty creepy. I mean she's so TALL, and..and..-" Bee started to say to Kori, but was interrupted.

"Easily ticked off?" Kori filled in.

"Exactly! Can you believe what she did to Catharine to get to the ball? It's like she's some trained assassin." Bee replied nonchalantly.

It's a very good idea to talk openly about your detest for the trained assassin when she's no doubt strapping on her bra in earshot.

"How many more days of tryouts are there exactly?"

"I believe typically there are five days to tryouts here."

"Actually, there are only four, because the principal wants to get a jump on the season as soon as possible." Madison said from behind the girls.

"Oh-hi-hi Madison." Bee said nervously. She wasn't normally afraid of people, but-but then again most people weren't taller than her.

Bee went into convulsions the day she met Shaq at an autograph session.

"C'mon Bee, we'll be back here tomorrow." Kori said pulling her away, the two girls going off to join their group in the dining hall for supper.

"Why are you talking to those losers, Madison?" The annoying voice of :cringes: Britteny whined as she popped up next to Britteny.

But still no Kitten! What the fuck?! I really can't remember anything about this Madison girl's role in the rest of the story, so I'm assuming she's just going to be a bit player. Whereas Kitten, talked up to be the number one nemesis of the gang, has appeared a grand total of four times, disappearing for eighteen chapters after her last appearance, in favor of random appearances by random one-shot characters who Queenie evidently did not care enough about to reinsert into the narrative?!

And what the fuck happened to X?!

"Just answering some questions. Like I'd talk to them otherwise." Madison said, brushing it off, going back to what she was going.

And where she was doing.

"So how was 'practice'?" Victor asked a couple of days later after yet another practice

"Grueling." Bee said.

"I do agree with Bee, however, I thought that it was rather enjoyable!" Kori added.

You can forgive Kori for not knowing that "grueling" and "enjoyable" are antonyms and cannot be used with any measure of sense to describe an activity.

You can. I'm not going to, but you can.

"Eh, what's with Kitten?" Garfield asked. "She doesn't have...her...gang with her."

An undercover cop was able to expose them as slave traffickers. Kitten was able to buy her way out of jail time, but the rest of her pals were not so lucky.

"Oh the deranged feline? She was kicked out of her own group by her equally nasty cousin." Terra asked.

"Kitten has a cousin who goes to this school?" Dick asked with a paranoid look in his eyes.

Oh, relax Dick. She's left you alone for eighteen chapters; she's not going to start chasing after you again now.

"Yeah, so?"

"KITTEN. HAS A COUSIN?"

How shocking that somebody might have a relative! More shocking STILL is the notion that said relative would attend the same educational institution as her! This is news that Dick was completely unprepared for!

"Yeah. My nasty cousin Britteny Williams kicked me out of my own group of friends!" Kitten replied as she walked over to the group...miserably.

One of my least favorite devices in this story is when one character randomly inserts themselves into another characters' conversation. Bonus points if said character happens to be the topic of discussion.

She sighed. "It's not fair..." Then...very...out of character...she walked away.

She didn't just walk, though; that'd be too in character. She moonwalked away. Never had Kitten seemed more depressed, nor more fly, as she did at that moment.

"Dude. That's not right." Victor replied. "She didn't do anything slutty.

Victor: I had my nip-slip cam rarin' to go and everything. Dayum.

How bad do you think this Williams girl is?"

"Britteny Williams? Holy shit Kori, wasn't that the girl with the pink mini in basketball tryouts?" Bee replied with wide eyes full of comprehension.

"Bee do not curse.

Kori Puritanderson.

But, yes, that was indeed the same girl." Kori replied.

"Yeah..." Raven muttered in reply typing on her laptop.

"Rae, why do you have a laptop? We have computers in our room." Terra asked.

Raven was barred from ever using a school computer again after the faculty discovered her Edgar Allen Poe/Ed Gein slash fiction collection.

"This is my personal laptop for my stories and poems. But I also got Victor to hack into the DSL service so now I've got wireless internet.

Raven is a thief. WE LOVE YOU RAVEN! Wilson told Dick to stop beating up a student. PURE EVIL GRRR.

So, no moral compass whatsoever, eh kids?

Now, I'm doing the Language Arts assignment that I'm assuming the rest of you are waiting til tomorrow morning to do."

"You write stories? I thought you just wrote poems. Pretty good ones if I do say so myself." Dick asked.

Fortunately, the opinions of the illiterate on literary matters hold absolutely no weight whatsoever.

Raven shrugged in reply. "I write for a site. You'd never heard of it."



Hipster Raven is now a meme.

"Anyway..." Terra said in reply.

"Yeah, what are the rest you ya'll doing anyway?" Victor asked.

"Kori, how do you do this?" Raven asked that next day in math class. "I don't get it."

Kori glanced at Raven over her homework, sighed irritably and took the plastic spoon away from her. She dipped it into the cup of applesauce, scooped out a fair portion and handed it to her. "That's the tenth and last time that I'll demonstrate that, Raven," she grumbled.

"Well, if p is true, than the negation of q must be false, but if together they are true, than it must be false."

Raven looked at her. Then at her work. Then back at her. "Say what?"

Took the words right out of my mouth. Math is incomprehensible enough without being included in Normal Teenage Life.

"It is false."

Raven groaned and turned back to face her own work. She hated this. She hated it a lot. Stupid...no it wasn't permutations...that was like November...Stupid—stupid logic problems. "I hate this. I mean seriously, I would be able to get it if it was like, brainteasers."

Unfortunately, the class is called "Mathematics," and not "Brainteasers for half-wit teenagers."

"Really?" Kori asked in amusement. "Well here's one. At a table, there's a grandfather, two fathers, and a son, and four apples–"

Kori, stop bringing your Big Book of Racist Jokes to math class.

"I don't care! This is—hey what are they doing?"

"They're taping him."

Rocky Balboa was being taped up at the front of the room in preparation for his presentation on the proper way to punch Mr. T in the noggin.

"Weird." Raven responded as they continued to work. A couple of boys in their class...Joe... Matt... Dick... X... and Josh... well, they had a roll of masking tape in their hands. And what were they doing it? They sat there tying up another one of the students, Eric, in it.

Hey, there's X! And possibly Josh Richaron too! Wow, it's like an "eight chapters left until the story fucking ends" reunion special! Does this mean that we're going to see the return of Mr. Blood, the Washington Co-Ed principle who expressed a homosexual attraction to Victor? And Jinx, the innocent and helpful waif who Victor snubbed in favor of a mean-spirited, vicious bee-covered man posing as a seven foot tall black girl, whose vendetta has thus far gone unfulfilled?

Bah, of course not! That would be too interesting! Here, have some one-shot cameo characters

No seriously, they were. After they all finished and admiring their, 'handiwork', Eric got up, and simply moved his arms out and the tape broke.

"Dick, get your ass back here and stop acting like a retard." Raven snapped.

"No, this is fun!" He replied, him and other boys attempting to tape up Eric again.

When you get right down to it, stealing school supplies for one's own amusement isn't that different from stealing the school's internet, so shut your damn mouth Raven.

"Uh, why isn't Mr. K doing anything about it?" Raven asked Kori.

"I have no idea Trust me, you do NOT want to know."

"This is just plain weird. I swear to god he's gonna get fired some day. You just don't let the kids run around the class room taping up people and not doing anything about it."

"Agree–WATCH IT!" Kori yelled as a checker piece almost hit her in the face.

"Sorry! Now give it back." Joe said coming over to Kori and Raven.

For a second, I forgot what story I was reading, and I began typing up a fifteen page rant about Digimon characters appearing all willy-nilly.

"No."

"Don't be a whore...give it back!"

"No!" Kori insisted.

Really? Nothing to say on the "whore" remark? I guess Kori does not believe she'd like to pay attention to any insistent buzzing noises of meaningless...uh...Joes.

"Just shut up and move along Joe." Raven commented to Joe, who shrugged and went along to go torture someone else. "Ignore him Kori, he's clearly being an ass."

Yeah, who isn't in this story though? Every boy who isn't a member of the main cast has so far been an absolute prick. By comparison, every girl who has appeared has either been a shallow strawman of a group that the author doesn't like, or portrayed favorably. I mean, besides Rita Z. Vanderbilt, but I'd count her as a recurring member of the main cast. Or a Rita Skeeter rip-off, but y'know.

"I cannot believe I ever liked him..."

"Eh, that was before you were such great friends with Dick, and besides, he's cute. But whatever."

Remember the chapter where Kori grappled with her budding feelings for the oh-so-memorable character of Joe?

No?

That's because I hate this story and I wish it would drown in the ocean and be devoured by barracuda.

So the day s of tryouts continued. Doing weave drills, lay ups, practice games, and last, and CERTAINLY least, running.

Wouldn't running be one of the first things that they do? Logically speaking? As a warm-up? Wouldn't that logically come before practice games and lay-ups? You gotta see how winded they get doing their sprints, because if they don't have the stamina to last out on the court, then their mad hoop-shootin' skillz don't really mean so much, do they?

"They put it the lists up!" A rather short girl with dirty blonde hair and brown eyes came rushing past Bee one day after sixth period. "THE BASKETBALL LISTS ARE UP!"

Paul Revere's midnight rides have lost a lot of their potency ever since the sex change.

"Yes!" Bee exclaimed running toward the direction the girl was, which happened to be in the opposite direction of her next class. When she got there, she saw the same, rather large group of girls attempting to push their way past to see the list. She managed to see Kori's red hair amidst all the confusion.

Or it may have been Terra running her blood-soaked laundry down to the washers, but whatever.

"Eh, Kori, you seen the list yet?" Bee asked.

"No! I -shove- can't -shove- get past!" Kori said in a strained tone, indicating she was attempting to get past.

Aww, the hyphens around the word "shove" indicates it as an action taking place in the middle of the sentence. No more "hits Gizmo" for me, I guess.

"GET OUT OF MY WAY!" The forceful voice of Madison was heard as everyone cleared a path for her. You just don't mess with really tall, rather strong girls who happened to be experts in karate and judo.

Unless you look like this:



"Good." She muttered taking a glance at the list. "Knew I'd-"

"I DIDN'T MAKE IT! MADDY I DIDN'T MAKE IT! WHERE'S JOSH? I DIDN'T MAKE THE TEAM GUYS!" The voice that chilled all to the bone with it's whining capacity rang out.

You didn't make the team because you aren't a girl, Garfield.

"Britteny it's okay. You don't want to do all that running anyway." Madison comforted. Somehow, Madison and Brittney had a made a connection and were pretty close.

It's easier for friendships to form offscreen. That way, you don't have to put any effort into writing them!

"BUT I STILL DIDN'T MAKE THE TEAM!" Britteny continued to whine. "WHERE"S JOOSSSSSHHH? HE'LL COMFORT ME! C'MON MADDY!" Britteny exclaimed, dragging Madison away.

"Okay, well that was pathetic." The dirty blonde hair girl commented rolling her eyes.

You're not even important enough to get a name. Who cares what you think?

"Lemme see." Bee replied, pushing past the once again gathering crowd to see the list. "YES! YES YES I MADE THE TEAM! Oh-oh Kori I'm sorry-You didn't make it..."

"Nah, that's okay. I really just tried out 'cuz I promised you I would anyway." Kori brushed it off once Bee returned within earshot of her.

"So...yah nervous for your first game?" Victor asked Bee. (If you can't figure out where they are right now...god I'll just tell you...)

Sorry luv, but we readers are a stupid lot. We have this crippling inability to tell where somebody is without proper context or scene development. They could be in a holding cell in the Korean demilitarized zone right now, for all we know.

"I guess so." Bee answered.

The two were in the...what's it called again? Gym? Yeah gym.

Fact-checking and second drafts are for preps. And Takaris.

The bleachers were set up for the girl's basketball's team's first game of the season.

"Eh, so where's the opposing team from again?"

"Dale City." Bee answered curtly. "I hear they're all sluts. Really slutty preps.

So they're the most chaste, compassionate and charitable people on the face of the planet, is what you're saying.

I swear to god we're gonna crush them!" She continued fiercely.

"Dale City, hm?

Capital of Gribble County.

I know a girl from Dale City. Goes to the cheerleading camp next to my football one."

"You go to football camp?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Just weird.

Going places to develop your skills in an area where you're talented is weird. You're weird, you weirdo.

That girl isn't on the basketball team, is she?"

"I wouldn't know, I just-"

"OH VIC! I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU! YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT? I'M CAPTAIN OF MY BASKETBALL TEAM!" A brunette with green eyes exclaimed as she ran up to our football captain and kissed him.

"Uh...hi Rebecca..." Victor replied once this...Rebecca pulled away.

Rebecca never gave Victor the time of day once her hit single cracked the top ten lists.

Bee was fuming. "Vic is it, eh? So, Vic, who's this little-slut?" She snapped.

The girl pulled away from Victor and turned to face Bee. Her uniform was all red.

Dale City's pre-game warm-up ritual involves the sacrifice of a water buffalo.

"Slut? Excuse me, who are you?"

"I-I-I'm the head of the Jefferson Basketball squad."

"You're also a little green-eyed monster Ms. Jealousy. Well Victor's my boyfriend.." Rebecca exclaimed.

Both Bee and Victor looked quite shocked at that statement.

I'm acting astonished!

"BOYFRIEND?" They both exclaimed.

"YOU'VE GOT A GIRLFRIEND? EXCUSE ME? AND YOU FAILED TO MENTION THIS TO ALL OF US? HOW-" Bee raged loudly, continuing to rant.

"Yo, uh, Rebecca, we broke up, remember?" Victor replied nervously.

It figures Victor would date the psychotic clingy girl. Actually, judging by his relationship with Bee, that seems the only other logical avenue available for him.

"But not officially!" The girl whined. "You know that we're meant to be together Victor I-"

"Becca! What are you doing?" Yet another person exclaimed. The guy rushed over to the three people, clearly distressed.

"Paul! What are you doing I thought that you weren't-"

"--ever going to awaken from that coma?!" Paul finished dramatically, gesturing wildly with his arms. "Perhaps you should have made sure that I was under for good before you stole my property AND my inheritance and fled the country bound for parts unknown with my evil clone half-brother from the future!"

In the corner of the gym, Kenji Yamamoto conducted his orchestra for a third time.

"Yo! Playa, get you're ass over here!" Bee interrupted, dragging Victor over to the other side of the court.

Dude, she's already playing basketball. You don't need to pepper her dialogue with ebonics to hammer home the fact that she's black.

(Hah! It was a court! God I'm being so ditzy today...I thought it was a field for like 10 minutes. I'm not normally like that...don't lose hope in my sanity for now!)

Kefka Palazzo beamed madly at his computer screen as he typed. Surely, this would be the best chapter of Normal Teenage Life that he had written yet.

"Care to explain to me Mr. Playa of the Year?"

"Player of the year? Hardly." Raven responded, followed by the rest of their group.

Yeah, that Michael Null seems like a better candidate. Victor's been barking up Bee's bush all story long, and he has yet to get any sweet, sweet honey.

"Bee, the game's about to start. What're you still doing here?" Speedy asked.

"Her." Bee grimaced menacingly, pointing toward Rebecca, who was attempting to sort things out with this...Paul, whoever he is. Suddenly, her (Bee) eyes widened. "The game's about to start? Oh crap I'm going to be so dead! If I'm late Madison will pound me!" And with that, Bee ran from the group toward the girls' locker rooms.

...Wait, what? They were already in the gym, right? So wasn't it implied that they were already prepped and ready for the game? I mean, that's why Rebecca was there, right? Because she's playing for the opposing team.

This story needs to just pick a setting and stick with it.

"Victor, do you have any idea who the girl in the gaudy red uniform is?" Kori asked.

"She's no one." He replied.

Tugging vainly at the sharpened tree that had been used to gouge out his eye.

"Yeah, and how exactly are you "playa of the year"?" Terra added.

"I'm not."

"I'm no playa. Never was. Never will be." Victor took a long drag off his cigarette and exhaled slowly. "I'm just an old manwhore...hired to do some...'wetwork.'"

"And you're also lying." Raven replied, eyes shining with the anticipation.

"Rae. Don't analyze him." Garfield exclaimed, recognizing the oh too familiar look.

"She's gonna analyze me?" Oh god. God, Rae NO!" Victor shouted in horror.

I'm going to buy Normal Teenage Life some decent running gags.

"Well...let's look at the facts, shall we?" Raven started, grinning maliciously.

"The facts? NO! NOT THE FACTS!" Victor yelled, running toward...somewhere other than near Raven. "ANYTHING BUT THE FACTS!"

I get the feeling that Raven could have used any noun and still achieved the same reaction. "Let's have a look at the mayonnaise, shall we?" "The mayonnaise? NO! NOT THE MAYONNAISE!"

"Rae, why did you do that?" Dick asked.

"Someone had to stop the player of the year conversation." Raven replied, shrugging.

"C'mon, say playa, like you're supposed to!" Terra antagonized.

Two wiggers per chapter is enough, Terra.

I count Bee as a wigger because The Pain is clearly white.

"I refuse to change my speech habits for popular culture."

That's bullshit for about seventeen different reasons, but I hold enough one-sided arguments with fictional characters as it is, so I'll let that one slide.

"Uh, yeah, that too."

"Guys! The game's starting! Let's get good seats before their all taken! If not, we won't see Bee!" Speedy reminded them all.

"Since when have you cared about that?" Terra asked in disgust.

Since when has Speedy cared about seeing sweaty girls in short-shorts? I don't know, Terra, for about as long as you've cared about washing your parents' blood out of your tank top, I suppose.

"I haven't. But I'm interested in sports and I wanna get a good look at this game, so let's go!" Speedy replied, dragging Terra to a good spot in the front, everyone trailing after them.

(In case you all haven't brushed up on your 257-949 aka "Don't Touch That Dial trivia, Rebecca, the pushy slut is that soap opera girl who kissed Cyborg)

Reading this story requires a near encyclopedic knowledge of the Teen Titans television series to truly understand what the fuck is going on half the time. The other half of the time, you need a near encyclopedic knowledge of the author's friends and personal life to understand what's going on.

Hey, weren't they going to be studying the Holocaust at the start of the chapter? Whatever happened to that?

About 10 minutes later, everyone, both schools were seated (opposite sides of the court for the most part) and the more...enthusiastic, school-spirited people from the schools were yelling, banging,

Banging?! The way this story is written, I assumed that Jefferson was as sexually active as it is magnanimous, but wow. I guess basketball season just coincides with group sex season.

waving flags in the color that represented the color of their school, et cetera, et cetera.

"LET'S GO DALE CITY! LET'S GO!" A group from...you guessed it...

Chattanooga.

Dale City cheered, holding a rather large looking red and grey banner with a rather stupid scorpion drawn upon it, the color of blonde hair.

Those damn preps and their scorpions. Arachnids are so mainstream!

(Nods toward Sushi's Scorpio character. :hits Scorpio:)



Like he cares.

"EXACTLY! GO DALE CITY! GO RIGHT OUT THE DOOR!" Cheerleaders from Jefferson...cheered. "We're gonna win, we're Jefferson, go dogs go!"

"I can't believe our school mascot is a dog." Terra moaned, rolling her eyes.

"A dog represents friendships. There is nothing wrong with that." Kori responded,

Yeah, nothing wrong with having an animal which eats its own feces as a mascot. Besides the number of bitch jokes that you open yourselves up to.

but was almost immediately drowned out by the sound of drums from the band. Well-the marching band. Neither Kori nor Raven nor Garfield nor Speedy were in the marching band. They didn't want to wake up extra early like those members had to.

Lazy, petty, unmotivated, self-absorbed thieves. Our heroes, ladies and gentlemen!

She sighed slightly. Kori that is. Well sure...she didn't really want to be on the basketball team. She preferred to relax herself. Or maybe...dance. Yes, that's rather fun as well.



Kori is one happenin' girl.

But anyway, that's not the point. Not being accepted to something, whether because of lack of effort, or lack of skill, or whatever, it still sucks. It's still makes you feel inferior. And who likes to feel like that?

A-1 to THAT, Kori...

She sighed...and mused on those thoughts for a couple of minutes, completely silent.

"Kori...Kori you okay?" Dick asked, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Kori snapped back to reality, turning her head in his direction. "Oh yes, I'm fine...just...lost in thought."

Kori's PTSD-driven 'Nam flashbacks keep getting worse.

"Is it about not getting on the basketball team?"

"How did you know?"

"I didn't, I guessed."

"Oh."

"Kori, just because you didn't get on the team doesn't really mean that much. I mean, I still think-"

"YO! You two lovebirds shut up! The game is actually now officially starting." Speedy interrupted yet another possible fluff moment.

Not like Dick and Kori could just step outside for a moment to continue their conversation away from this loud and boisterous venue which would surely drown out their fluff-driven conversation. It's much easier to blame Speedy for everything wrong in the world. And with Wilson gone, we need a scapegoat, so.

"Yes...it is fine." Kori replied shaking her head slightly. "It is...'no big deal'."

"Yo, bumblebee, think you're gonna win this game?" Rebecca hissed at Bee. The two were both starting off, and the referee was about to start the game any minute.

Bee: When your entire team drops dead from fifteen thousand hornet stings each, they'll have no choice but to name us the victors by default!

Rebecca: What the fuck are you talking aboOH GOD OH GOD THEY'RE EVERYWHERE GYYYYAAAAAAAGH!!!

Bee: THE PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!!!

"Yeah, but how can you if you're too worried about breaking one of your stupid red nails!" Bee snarled back.

"Well you're just-"

With the ice burn that Bee just laid upon Becca, she'll have to counter with nothing less than the full-on "big doo-doo head meanie with a butt filled with cooties" comeback in order to save face.

"LADIES! We're starting the game now!" The ref interrupted, about to throw the ball into the air so they could um-start. "Ready? 3...2...1...GO!"

Raven looked out the window from her seat on the highest bench on the bleachers.

"God this is boring." She muttered, continuing her focus outside the window.

So the story jumps down Speedy's throat for being genuinely interested in watching the basketball game, but Raven expresses boredom and ennui at an event that she is attending to support her friend, and she's still HOMIGAWD THE BESTEST CHARACTER FOREVEREST =^.^=

There really wasn't much to see. Most of the school was at the basketball game. They wanted to see how the new coach that the principal hired was doing. Well...there were a couple of people. She saw a girl in a rather stylish black hat walking down the path..who was she?

That's no girl; that's just Vulpus Inculta delivering Legion-style justice to all the whores and profligates of Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School.

A bit mysterious if Raven did think so herself. Raven's gaze switched toward the football field that currently wasn't in use right now.

There was a large group of people there.

A lot.

Around say-60 or so.

Wow, Vulpus is working quickly.

These 60 or so people seemed to be running around the football field...and one of those people was running away from the group. And that one didn't seem to be doing so well...

Raven sighed. "I can only hope this will be over soon...hey where's Speedy? He wanted to see the game..." She muttered to herself. "Whatever...not like it's important...wonder what's going on down there?" She looked down and noticed a small crowd around two of the basketball players. Immediately, Raven recognized Bee's aggravated voice.

Bee: And I say that Britain's greatest prime minister was Lord Palmerston!

Rebecca: Pitt the Elder!

Bee: Lord Palmerston!

Rebecca: PIT THE ELDER!

"REBECCA! WHY YOU LITTLE CHEATING BITCH! HOW DARE YOU CHEAT IN THE GAME AND THEN FLIRT WITH-"

Raven sighed. Bee just had to get into a fight at her first game. This was not going to be good. Not at all. "They're fighting over a ball bouncing along a court. This game is so pointless."

"Everything's pointless." The GOTH KID sitting next to her agreed. "Wanna talk about it.

Raven shrugged in reply. "Whatever."

Sobering mirror to look into, that GOTH KID, eh Raven?

(For those more...oblivious ones...:glares at Cheerful Oblivious: Again. It's the GOTH KID from "Sisters".)

Wherever would I be without these helpful and not at all trite author's notes here to guide me along the path to fanfictional enlightenment?

Garfield, at the current moment, was watching Bee and Rebecca fight, and of course, the referee's attempts to separate them. Might I mention, unsuccessful attempts. Then, out of only pure chance, Garfield turned around. Okay, okay, out of pure boredom. He scanned the gym, looking for something interesting to watch,

You're not going to find anything, Garfield. Just start making up your own fanfic mega-crossover to keep yourself entertained.

Hey, I wonder if that's how Neon Exodus Evangelion got started.

as he skimmed the bleachers, seeing, none other than Raven, of course, talking to the "Goth Kid". "Goth Kid", as Garfield dubbed him in his head, was sitting way too close to Raven for his comfort. Way too close. But he couldn't go up there and do anything! That would look way too obvious...

Garfield, your crush on Raven has been the subject of a Congressional inquiry, a roundtable discussion at the United Nations and a song by Ludacris. It's common knowledge. Just get over it and put your boy's thingy in her u-no-wut.

Hmm...maybe he could pay that new girl Madison to beat him up later. Stupid Dale City kid. They must all be big flirts.

We'll get back to Garfield and his pathetic attempt at a love life later. For now, well let's get back to-

If I see a chewing koala there will be blood.

"I WILL NOT STOP! SHE'S A CHEATER AND YOU SHOULD BENCH THE STUPID SLUT?"

Eh, I suppose that's better by contrast.

"STUPID SLUT? HOW DARE YOU! JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE-"

Just then, a very shrill whistle was heard, and everything stopped-the cheerleaders stopped bouncing around (thank god), and even, thank god again, Bee and Rebecca stopped yelling and fighting. Everyone, everything quite literally stopped.

Captain Christopher Pike stared disgustedly at both teams from the doorway of the gym.

Think...like...the effects of that Chronic Detonator from "Apprentice", if it had ever gone off.

"Chronic Detonator." Heh. That sounds like a spastic colon condition.

Everyone's heads turned toward the source of the noise...aka Kori.

"WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT THE HELL UP AND GET ON WITH THE GAME? BEE, WE DO NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR PERSONAL ISSUES WITH REBECCA! WE CAME HERE TO VIEW A BASKETBALL GAME, SO JUST GET ON WITH IT, AND PLAY IT CORRECTLY!" Kori yelled. Everyone who attended Jefferson immediately listened. They all knew Kori to be a pretty quiet girl generally, but if she yells-well then you'd better listen because it's important.

Yeah, the red-headed waifstick sure does cut a commanding figure. Betta recognize.

"Why should we listen to you?" Rebecca called out.

"Because she's right." Dick answered. "Get on with the game-then argue later."

"Whatever." Bee grumbled. "So long as she doesn't cheat."

"WE WON! WE WON! IT'S SO FABULOUS! WE WON! WE WON! WE BEAT THEM, WE WON! WE WON!"

Declaring victory a bit early, aren't you Disembodied Voice? The game's still going on.

Those were the sort of things heard after the game.

From which side you may ask? Well I'll tell you.

Green Bay, Wisconson.

"Packers won the Super Bowl! Woo-hoo, Packers!"

Dale City.

"I can't believe I lost to Vic's ex-girlfriend." Bee moaned.

"No, you didn't. Don't be stupid Bee. You didn't lose to Rebecca. The Jefferson girls' basketball team lost to the Dale City girls' basketball team. Basketball is a team sport." Raven informed her.

"Shut up."

*GASP*! Take that back this second, Bee! If you dare to backtalk to Raven, then your leg will be broken and author's notes will start referring to you as a traitor in ALL CAPS!

"But that sure was interesting!" Victor added.

"The game?" Terra asked in confusion. "It wasn't that interesting. They like, demolished our team."

"THANKS FOR REMINDING ME!" Bee interrupted, clearly enraged at the loss.

Terra wrote the book on tact. It was called The Prince.

"NO! I mean those girls from Dale City who were being cheer leaders! They were hot!"

"VICTOR!" Bee exclaimed, now outraged. "You're SUCH ...a...a..."

Offensive black stereotype?

Wait, no, that starts with a vowel and Bee was clearly saying "a."

"Lecherous simpleton?" Kori suggested.

"No, that's Speedy." Terra disagreed.

"HEY! I'll...I'll respond to that...once I figure out what it means!" Speedy replied sheepishly, looking a bit worse for wear.

"What happened to you anyway? You disappeared before, and now you're...damaged." Dick wondered outloud.

"Don't. Ask."

Trust me, you do NOT want to know.

"He's a BRIIIIIIIIIIICK. HOOOOOOOOOWSS.-" Bee started to finish. (Thank you invention of the oxymoron)

"Oh Vic! I'm so glad I caught up with you!" Rebecca's shrill voice called out.

"NOT HER AGAIN!"

"Don't you have to go back to your own school?" Raven groaned.

Rebecca chose to ignore everyone else.

She has that luxury. I don't. Lucky bitch.

"I have to talk to you for a minute Vic. Alone."

"Uh...well..." Victor started to protest, but was half-dragged away.

"I can't believe her." Bee fumed.

"Why are we still standing here?" Garfield asked, clearly befuddled.

"We are waiting for Victor." Kori replied, tone implying it was obvious.

I don't know if there was a scene transition there before, but it's funny to pretend that there wasn't. Victor was just dragged away literally seconds ago, and Garfield's bitching because they're still standing around waiting for him.

"Eh, Rae, hey." The Goth Kid said as he approached Raven.

"Oh, hey AJ, what's up?" Raven replied.



"I've got a ninety-nine trainer win streak goin' for me. Feel like bein' number one hundred?! I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!"

I need to stop referencing things that only I understand; I'm really no better than NTL in that regard.

"Here's my AIM address...I'll talk to you later." The Goth Kid...who's name happens to be AJ (Not really, I made it up), stated, then walked away, toward the bus heading back to his school.

"Who's that?" Garfield asked...attempting to be nonchalant, but, like subtlety, was not his cup of tea.

"Nonchalant" and "subtle" mean basically the same thing. That's like saying he was "attempting to be altruistic, but, like charity, was not his cup of tea."

"You know, you were spying on me before." Raven replied simply.

"Uh-well-"

"Him too." Bee commented, talking about Victor. "Where does he get off doing something like that? I can't believe he didn't-"

When you carry on a twenty-two chapter flirtation with a girl, you really ought to submit a complete list of all your prior romantic engagements. Common knowledge.

"Sheesh. Just admit you're jealous and get on with it." Raven interrupted, annoyed at the denial surrounding the group.

"Me? Jealous? God no."

"Sure."

And so it continued, for five or so minutes, with Bee's rant about how un-jealous she was,

Sparing me the trouble of having to read it. How uncharacteristically generous, thank you.

when Victor came back over.

"What did she want?" Dick asked.

"I'm not really sure. It was weird." Victor responded.

Victor: She started unzipping my pants and massaging my groin. I don't know; what do you guys make of that?

"So then what happened?"

"She apparently dumped me for some Paul guy."

"BUT YOU WERE ALREADY BROKEN UP!" Bee exclaimed.

"Yeah I know...that's why it was so weird."

"What's her story then?" Terra asked.

I wish I still had the wherewithal to think up an impromptu backstory for Rebecca, like I did for Kitten at the start of the story, but NTL has emotionally drained me to the point where I find getting up in the morning to be a monumental undertaking, knowing that this story will be staring me in the face when I awaken.

"To quote her directly, 'the black bumblebee was getting in the way of our relationship, and aside from that, she's been seeing this Paul guy for quite a bit of time, so she's incredibly sorry, but she'll have to let me go.'"

Then she gave him a pink slip and told him to be out of the building by five.

Raven rolled her eyes. "What a freak. But...do you even care?"

"Honestly?"

"No, we want you to lie to us." Bee replied sarcastically.

"Well then, no I really don't."

With that, Bee immediately perked up. "Oh really? You don't? That's fabulous!"

You told him that you wanted him to lie, Bee. And he's too stupid to pick up on sarcasm. So, obviously, he does care.

"Why...?"

"Because it is!" Bee exclaimed. She gave Victor a quick hug, and raced out of the gym...to god knows where.

Queenie doesn't care enough about her characters to write destinations for them, and you shouldn't care either.

However, I care enough to write a multi-chapter side-story AND twenty-nine chapters of dissections. I'm not a good role model, folks.

"What was that all about?" Speedy asked.

"Dunno, but I'll go with it!" Victor responded with a slight grin on his face.

Somewhere, deep inside of his chicken-fried, beef-encrusted, artery-clogged heart, Victor's primal instincts are screaming "BOOBIES!" as loudly as they possibly can.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 28 2011, 05:02 PM

[Qmark]

Damn, I don't know what this Brittany person did to piss off Queenie so badly, but that was just...ouch.

Anyways, great chapter as usual, Al.

[Al_Cone]

If anybody's wondering, I think that whole "Queenie found the mock" thing is more or less resolved, and may I just say, that was about the least fun instance of an author finding their work on here since Dakari-King Joey Buttafuoco.

Anyway. Unlike virtually every single other instance of this happening, I will not be ending the mock; I'm too damn close to the end and too invested in finishing NTL: Gaiden to pull something like that. However, because I'm a complete pushover, I have been going back and editing out certain, unnecessarily vitriolic moments in the earlier chapters to make it less of a personal attack against the author.

Understand, to me, a PA mock is (seldom) personal, and my beef is generally with the story itself; not with the author, but rather the content of the story. The only story I've mocked that's fueled by a personal grudge is SMLoZ. As NTL was written, oh, six, seven years ago, I consider it to be in a vacuum, frozen in time, and I address any and all complaints to the author as she was back then. Joey Buttafuoco doesn't get that luxury, because he's been writing for ten years and he's still as terrible as he was back then.

So, to bring the story more in line with that philosophy, I'm retroactively editing it. Not much has changed; a snipped line here or there, an edit over yonder. However, I did delete the post containing all of those ridiculous author's notes. Mostly just because.

Like I said before, I'll probably alternate from SMLoZ and NTL from here on out, so we'll see which story gets savaged next.

[Al_Cone]

Oh, also, NTL and NTL: Gaiden both have logos now. Check 'em out; first posts of their respective threads.

[xoxjoanxox]

Hey, at least Queenie has finally realized this story is plot-hole ridden. I am only disappointed she didn't make the effort to try to rewrite it and just deleted it instead.

P.S. The logos are fucking epic.

[DraculaMarth]

Hey, at least Queenie has finally realized this story is plot-hole ridden. I am only disappointed she didn't make the effort to try to rewrite it and just deleted it instead.

P.S. The logos are fucking epic.

Trust me. I don't think a High School AU Teen Titans fanfic could have been improved on much. I mean, when one takes out the main idea of Teen Titans (That they have superpowers), it just becomes a generic story about high school.

Also, seconded on the logos

[Al_Cone]

Hey, at least Queenie has finally realized this story is plot-hole ridden. I am only disappointed she didn't make the effort to try to rewrite it and just deleted it instead.

P.S. The logos are fucking epic.

It's a seven year old story, and she was fourteen when she wrote it. Would you rewrite something that you wrote when you were fourteen? Would you care enough to?

Also, why are you assuming that she took it down over its quality? My money's that she deleted it to keep me from pursuing the mock anymore. Which is irrelevant, because it's backed up.

[Moose]

You never disappoint, Al. NEVER EVER, AND DON'T YOU DARE ARGUE!

I, at some point, need to read the mock for SMLoZ. I think I got one chapter read, told myself I'd finish the rest some other time, and never got back to it.

[Al_Cone]

You never disappoint, Al. NEVER EVER, AND DON'T YOU DARE ARGUE!

I, at some point, need to read the mock for SMLoZ. I think I got one chapter read, told myself I'd finish the rest some other time, and never got back to it.

I'm okay with that, actually, because the first several dozen chapters of SMLoZ are far from my best work. Aside from the quality of my writing being far lower than it is now, most of the thread is just people arguing with Joey Buttafuoco, and there is a lengthy portion of story where I gave up and had someone else do it for me.

As far as I'm concerned, the mock begins at the Shadow Temple.

[Al_Cone]

Alright, so Queenie just messaged me about NTL. She was pretty cool about the whole thing; the only stipulation she has is that people stop the personal attacks.

This means you. Honestly, the gusto with which folks on here attack authors disturbs me at times. I don't mean like "yo man, dis story sux an da atuhor is bad and is dumb," I mean "I'M GOING TO FIND YOUR HOUSE AND RAPE IT, THEN I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU AND KILL YOU, THEN RAPE YOU AGAIN BUT THIS TIME WITH A SHOPPING CART FULL OF PINEAPPLES AND A MARCHING BAND."

So cut that out. This is between me--or us, if you like--and one very bad story from seven years ago.

[oneluckyduck]

Can you tell her that I like that she is handling this so well?

(And I will be borrowing that threat, Al, kthanksbie.)

[xoxjoanxox]

It's a seven year old story, and she was fourteen when she wrote it. Would you rewrite something that you wrote when you were fourteen? Would you care enough to?

I might care enough because I hate leaving things unfinished. Though maybe not enough if it's seven years old.

This means you. Honestly, the gusto with which folks on here attack authors disturbs me at times. I don't mean like "yo man, dis story sux an da atuhor is bad and is dumb," I mean "I'M GOING TO FIND YOUR HOUSE AND RAPE IT, THEN I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU AND KILL YOU, THEN RAPE YOU AGAIN BUT THIS TIME WITH A SHOPPING CART FULL OF PINEAPPLES AND A MARCHING BAND."

Wait, what? People have actually done that?

Sounds like Joey Buttafuoco discovered NTL while stalking you and disapproved of the pairings in this fic.


This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Jul 1 2011, 05:37 PM

[T_K_17]

This means you. Honestly, the gusto with which folks on here attack authors disturbs me at times. I don't mean like "yo man, dis story sux an da atuhor is bad and is dumb," I mean "I'M GOING TO FIND YOUR HOUSE AND RAPE IT, THEN I'M GOING TO RAPE YOU AND KILL YOU, THEN RAPE YOU AGAIN BUT THIS TIME WITH A SHOPPING CART FULL OF PINEAPPLES AND A MARCHING BAND."

Wow, I didn't know Shmeckie posted in this thread.

[Al_Cone]

Wait, what? People have actually done that?

Sounds like Joey Buttafuoco discovered NTL while stalking you and disapproved of the pairings in this fic.

I'm illustrating an example through hyperbole. You guys get what I'm saying, right? I pride PA on being a level-headed place that doesn't reek of sanctimoniousness, and most of the comments made on here are little more than empty saber-rattling, but when the target of said saber-rattling asks nicely to cut it out, the least we can do is oblige.

Everything considered, I'd like to contradict my earlier statement about this being one of the least pleasant experiences I've had of somebody finding their work on here. This has been one of, if not the, easiest. Yunagirlamy was a snobby prick who insisted that her stories were gems before the Boss gave her a talking-to, Joey Buttafuoco, well, we all know how Joey Buttafuoco turned out, and Cruncher wound up asking for my advice on her story. Queenie, well, isn't happy with the story being mocked, but she's being mature about it.

Wow, I didn't know Shmeckie posted in this thread.

You know, I wish he would.

[xoxjoanxox]

I'm illustrating an example through hyperbole. You guys get what I'm saying, right? I pride PA on being a level-headed place that doesn't reek of sanctimoniousness, and most of the comments made on here are little more than empty saber-rattling, but when the target of said saber-rattling asks nicely to cut it out, the least we can do is oblige.

Oh yeah, I know. I was just wondering if anyone had actually gone berserk yet.

Everything considered, I'd like to contradict my earlier statement about this being one of the least pleasant experiences I've had of somebody finding their work on here. This has been one of, if not the, easiest.

Goombario finding his was the most pleasant experience in my opinion (Good job Joan, let's keep bumping this thread up).

[Qmark]

Hey, don't look at me. I don't recall saying anything particularly malicious about this author.

Good to see she's taking this in stride, though.

[Al_Cone]

Do you have any idea how much pain this chapter caused me? Do you?! Bad enough that I had to go through an almost nine hundred page Word document just to find the relevant portion; the chapter itself--and this will be hard to believe, so brace yourself--is the very, very worst, bottom-of-the-barrel, nadir that NTL has ever, or will ever, sink to.

However, it's worth reading and reviewing for exactly one reason: The introduction of the character of Demon. Now, Demon was the self-insertion of another young author, who went by the name of MasterOfDemons. MasterOfDemons was the worst son of a bitch writer who ever lived. But he didn't realize this; he thought he was the hottest shit to have ever been shat. His story, The Final Fantasy of Zelda (are Joey Buttafuoco's ears burning, I wonder?) was about as long as NTL, and nowhere near as well-written. Let that sink in for you.

MasterOfDemons somehow was able to convince Queenie to include his fruity character in her sucky story, and consequently, we are beaten over the head with him from here until the end. All for nothing, really; much later on, she privately admitted to me that MasterOfDemons' story was a horrible, horrible thing and that she had been lying about its quality for its authors' benefit. I actually tried mocking some of it in my younger days--around the same time as A Visit, actually--but nothing came of it, and it's not worth reposting at all. If the story still existed, I'd be on it in a heartbeat though. Sad.

Anyway, that's all ancient history now. What matters is this chapter of Normal Teenage Life, which I assure you is the worst thing that you will ever read? Why? Well, to quote Serious Blak, dogfather to Vampire Potter (and trust me, that quote is far, far more relevant than you can now understand): "U will c."

Trust in your force, and head for the garden of madness.

******

Chapter 23: Falling Apart

Original Japanese Title: "Two Thousand Words Of Irrelevance!!!! Narrative Coherency Comes Tumbling Down, Tumbling Down, Tumbling Down!!!!"

"ALRIGHT EVERYONE! Clear your desks! AND---and STOP TALKING!" Mr. K, the math teacher in Garfield, Victor and Speedy's math class exclaimed as the students walked in one day.

Jefferson needs to stop hiring enigmatic teachers who refuse to divulge their full last names. Next thing you know, Mr. M will get the job as the music teacher and start telling all the students about the impending race war.

"I hate Math." Garfield muttered.

"You also hate all your other classes." Victor added.

"What's your point."

...That you hate all your other classes? I realize that your skin has all the thickness of cellophane, Gar, but you really should learn not to take every remark made about you as a personal attack.

"I think math IS pretty simple." Speedy commented.

"That's easy for you to say."

"STUDENTS! BE QUIET AND TAKE YOUR SEATS!"

Mr. K's old age makes him susceptible to Chronic Capslock Disorder.

"Yes Mr. K." The class droned as they got ready to take a test. Their teacher handed out yellow packets as they all began to take the first math test of the last quarter of the school year.

"I actually understand something in math. It's an honest-to-goodness miracle." Raven said in awe later That day in math class, working on the sheet.

Raven finally figured out what the little crucifix between the numbers "5" and "5" meant. Her Jewish background had made it hard to understand before.

"It's not That easy." Kori shrugged uneasily.

That's the second time "That" has been capitalized. I guess it's a proper noun now.

"Yes it IS! I understand it!" Raven said joyfully.

Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the characterization bed this morning. That, or Raven's suffered debilitating head trauma that's made her less of a pissy stick-in-the-mud.

"Great job." Kori mumbled. "So what did you get on That science test? I did not have That much time to study."

There it is again! Is this an in-joke?! I usually remember Queenie's little in-jokes, but I got nothin' here!

"Really? I studied for like---three and a half hours."

"Good for you. So what exactly did you get?"

"92."

"Are you serious? I only received an eighty-six."

Know what I received? A letter in the mail from the President authorizing me, via executive order, to murder you all unless you SHUT UP ABOUT YOUR FUCKING GRADES AND DO SOMETHING. I realize the story's called "Normal Teenage Life," but that doesn't mean you can't ever do anything interesting!

"Really?" Raven said excitedly, attempting to contain her delight.

"Yes. Do not remind me."

"Yeah---yo Sarah, what's That?" Raven asked the girl sitting next to Kori.

"Pixy sticks!" She yelled, pouring some of the sugar into her mouth. "Want some?"

Raven raised an eyebrow. "No."

Raven's allergic to fun.

"What about you Kori?"

"No thank you..." Kori replied vaugely. "I do not think That you need the sugar
either."

Maybe it's something in the water at Jefferson. Maybe it's a symptom of Volxemortserum addiction. Maybe it's just a repeat-offender typo meant to madden me.



Man, I wish.

"Aw, the hyperness IS all in your head." Sarah exclaimed, taking another swig of sugar.

"Right---all in your head. You keep thinking That." Raven muttered and Sarah went back to eating sugar and yelling at random people.

Wasn't that a delightful interlude?

WASN'T IT?!

"They are rather hyper, are they not?" Kori commented looking at the class.

"You know what would make a really good show?" Raven said with an evil smile.

"What?"

A high school drama focusing on the lives of a glee club!

Naw, that's retarded; what kind of dumb motherfucker would broadcast that?

"This classroom. I'm telling you, best reality show there would be."

"Yes! We could get on MTV!" Kori laughed, and they began to watch the class in amusement. Some of the rather clueless girls in the class were crowded around the teacher, trying to get help. What was Dick currently doing? Well---:sighs: he had gotten a hold of some of Sarah's pixy sticks. Similar to Raven...when he had sugar---well--well it wasn't pretty.

I'm having trouble following along right now, because everybody is so ridiculously out of character. They're all acting like they're strung out on Columbian white gold.

...Maybe that's not sugar that's in those Pixie Stix.

So like the rest of the boys, Dick was basically wandering around the classroom, causing whatever sort of mischief they could. Chucking checker pieces at people...you know.

What's with Queenie and the checkers pieces? First last chapter, now this one. Maybe the Parker Brothers stole her teddy bear when she was little.

"This IS rather entertaining, I must say." Raven laughed evilly.

"Yes, I agree that---WOAH!" Kori exclaimed as she quickly ducked in her seat as a scissor went flying just above her head.

I'm more concerned about where the other scissor is.

"WATCH WHERE YOU THROW THE SCISSORS YA HERMAPHRODITE!" Raven yelled loudly. Just then, there was a knock on the door.

It was Pooh. In bed.

With it, everything rushed to order. The checker pieces were kicked to unseen corners---scissors back in their place, papers in binders, chirpy J.A.P. girls

Japanese furries with bird fursonas?

stopped bugging the teacher and formed a neat line, and the boys got in their seats. Hey, it could be the principal!

Like that incompetent bastard cares what the students do.

"Yes, come in!" The math teacher announced. The door opened, and in stepped---



"Hello, kids. I'm Warren Beatty."

The sound of the girls' heads exploding all at once caused a mild tsunami in Indonesia.

Garfield.

The minute everyone saw it was not some sort of authority figure, the class returned to it's normal chaotic state, once the door was closed.

"Uh---can I take a quiz in here?" Garfield asked rather loudly so the teacher could hear him.

Mr. K: Look at my classroom. You think I give a fuck what goes on in here? Just don't get between me and my stogie, and you can hack up a body and dissolve it in a bathtub in here, for all I care. If you're interested, talk to that Markov girl.

"This isn't the best place."

"Uh---sure..." Garfield gulped, then quickly and quietly left the classroom. This didn't go on in his math class...As soon as he shut the door---the nosie in the room got even louder---until, suddenly,

This would be the perfect spot to end the chapter. Best cliffhanger in history; certainly better than that "Terra broke her leg" claptrap.

"YOU CHEATED ON ME? I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WOULD DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT! YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" A female voice exclaimed.

At the person yelling, well, yelling a coherent sentence, both Raven and Kori turned in their direction.

A sobbing girl beat impotently on an impassive Bender Rodriguez, who puffed on a cigar. "Hate the game, baby, not the player."

"What's Suzume's problem?" Raven asked.

"So what?" Josh Richaron, the boy Suzume was practically screaming at replied calmly.

What, you were expecting monogamy from a Decepticon? Soundwave is in a group marriage, Starscream goes through bitches faster than he goes through Energon, and Megatron? Let's just say he spends a little bit too much time at the all-male bodyshops to be anything close to steady boyfriend material, and leave it at that.

On a sidenote, it's pretty nice to see Josh Richaron again, because it reinforces my theory that self-insertion characters are given preferential treatment over the characters who were actually drawn from the cartoon series that this story is allegedly based upon. Kitten who?

"YOU'RE HORRIBLE!" Suzume yelled again. Suzume Hokkaido her full name was.

This story was authored by Queen-of-Dagobah.

She was a Japanese transfer student...and a little crazy at sometimes. She was a bit young for her grade, at only 15, but she was very intelligent, so she was in the junior math class.

It's a great sign of narrative integrity when the self-insert characters are better at everything than the main cast. Like how Madison was resident team badass on the basketball team, instead of Bee, despite having no experience whatsoever in basketball. Or right here, where while Raven is described as being profoundly stupid when it comes to math, Suzume Hokkaido (niece of acclaimed novelist Haruhu Honshu), is super fly enough to bypass her grade entirely to take junior-level math.

Also, let's applaud the story for dipping into the Stereotypical Asian Math Prodigy well! But what else can we expect from Normal Teenage Life, the story which insists that black girls only listen to R&B?

Suzume had a tendency to get hyper randomly,

Yeah, who fucking doesn't in this story? At least she's in character when she does.

but she was a rather nice person all the same. At 5'4" she stood, with waist length black hair That had a white streak on the right side, with grey eyes.

I didn't realize Rogue was native Japanese.

"I don't believe that's true."

One capitalized "That," one uncapitalized "that". There's no pattern to any of this. Am I going insane? MY BRAIN IS COLLAPSING IN ON ITSELF okay back to the story.

"THEN WHY DID YOU CHEAT ON ME WITH BRITTNEY WILLIAMS?"

"Ooh, this IS interesting!" Kori said with delight, paying attention to the unavoidable break-up. She reminded herself to tell Bee, who liked to be up on the latest gossip, later.

So Raven is a hyperactive manic-depressive, Dick is a sugar junkie who chucks shit across rooms for fun, and Kori is a gossip queen. Does this chapter take place in an alternate universe? Isn't NTL itself already an alternate universe? Is it like Crisis on Infinite Earths?

"Whatever." Raven replied, getting back to her work.

"How did you find out?" Josh answered Suzume's question with another question.

"Well aside from the fact That you were just bragging about it to your friends, I don't know!"

"It's not That big of a deal!"

This is worse than Chinese water torture.

"YES IT IS! YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH A TOTAL SLUT! WE ARE SO OVER!"
Suzume's rather loud rantings continued on for a couple of minutes...yet no one did anything. Well, let me re-phrase That. The teacher, the supposed responsible one in the room didn't do anything.

Welcome to Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School, where nobody cares about anybody else and teachers don't fucking care! Probably figures he can slack off because he doesn't have Wilson breathing down his neck anymore. If he were still around, that man's ass would be more fired than Japan's minister of reconstruction.

That's funny because it's topical.

Josh shrugged. "Big deal."

"I HATE YOU."

"Don't care."

"YOU DON'T CARE? You are such a horrible person!" Another one of the girls in the class replied taking Suzume's side.

"YEAH! HORRIBLE PERSON!" Most of the girls in the room echoed, now taking Suzume's side.

"Like he cares!" One of the boys now on Josh's side...quite literally snapped.

"Cool it, Diesel!" shouted Richaron, as Diesel furiously punctuated his words with finger snaps.

"SO WHAT, HE'S GONNA GO DATE WILLIAMS NOW?"

"MAYBE HE WILL!"

It's a proxy lover's spat.

And the arguments in the classrooms went on like That for 10 or so minutes.
"SUZUME AND JOSH ARE SO OVER!" The girls were shouting.

"WELL WE DON"T CARE!" Many of the boys replied.

This is exactly what high school is like.

"HOW CAN YOU---"

"WILL EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP SO I CAN GET THIS DONE?"

"Who said That?" A chirpy J.A.P. piped up.

Disembodied Voice is sick and tired of all of your--

"That's Demon---" One of the girls whispered in reply.

...Oh.

"Dude---listen to him...he's got mad powers..." Someone whispered to Josh, who shrugged off and went back to mischief.

The class is afraid of somebody who calls himself "Demon." This is how you can tell that this story is not at all true to life; in any high school in the real world, Demon would be that one kid who sits alone at the back of the classroom and soaks up insults, paper balls and occasionally chemical burns.

"Powers? Hardly. Just a very bad attitude." Demon replied dryly, matching both Raven and Josh's monotone.

Maybe his bad attitude is his power. He's got super-bitchiness. You know, like DJ.

Demon was about 5'7", maybe a little taller, and dark brown hair.



Demon's yearbook photo for the 2004-05 academic year.

The most prominent feature about him, however, were his piercing red eyes. No one knew if they were his natural color, or contacts, or whatnot, but most feared they were real.

I know that I make a lot of My Immortal jokes in this story, but damned if that isn't Vampire Potter.

I want to live in the parallel universe where faux-gothic self-styled badasses who wear red color contacts and think they look intimidating are actually considered cool and untouchable by the student body, rather than being freaks and social pariahs.

But those weren't even the part That people feared most...it was his fangs--or should I say, people thought they were fangs. There was a very strong rumor That he was a vampire,

And the analogy is complete! Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I give you Jefferson Co-Ed's most feared and respected class member--Demon!



Wait, wait, no. He still hasn't confessed to loving the taste of human blood.

but few believed it was true. Still, no one messed with him.

After all, he wore color contacts and called himself "Demon." What's more intimidating than that?

"And what are you going to do about it?" Raven snapped, getting annoyed at the noise.

In response to that, Demon bared his fang-like teeth at Raven, who merely made a face at him. Others however, with more commen sense decided to stop talking.

Watch out, or he'll write your name in his "People who aren't nice to me" journal and fantasize about pushing you out of the way in the lunch line and hurriedly apologizing to avoid a beat-down, silently claiming victory all the while.

"Just shut up."

Raven made a face, mimicking him. "Just shut up. Go shove it up your ass."

"Whatever."

He's just like Raven. He's just like Raven. He's more like Raven than Raven. I think I just found a new lightningrod for my hate.

Emapth666 5:23 P.M.: Eh, hey Lil, what's up?

With MSN, you have a profile name!

It figures that Raven would have "666" in her handle. Can you get any more stereotypically gothic? Then she complains about how people pigeonhole her--bitch, have you seen the way you present yourself? I mean, what, was "ravencullen666" already taken?!

DarkOmen66 5:24 P.M: Hey Rae! nm, just surfin fanfic...u?

Empath666 5:24 P.M.: Same. I just updated chapter 23...well it's 25 on there but u know what happened w/ my hiatus...had an encounter with a vampire...waitin for reviews...Demento's pissin me off...

Ugh, again? When will you learn that you can just change the radio station when Dr. Demento becomes too much to handle?!

I also like the implication that Raven is the author of Normal Teenage Life, and that she's chronicling the lives of herself and all of her friends and close relations on the internet. That means that her lack of grief or concern when her mother's dessicated, brutalized corpse was found decomposing in a fountain? All her.

DarkOmen66 5:24 P.M.: VAMPIRE?

Empath666 5:24 P.M.: Nvr mind.

She's not goffik enough to know the truth.

DarkOmen66 5:24 P.M.: Demento though? Gar again, eh? U updated? Way kewl, I'll go check it out.

Empath666 5:25 P.M.: Good. I luv reviews.

That sentence should read "I luv mindless, babbling praise." Fanfic authors, huh?

DarkOmen66 5:25 P.M.: That's one of 2 things, eh?

Empath666 5:25 P.M?

DarkOmen66 5:25 P.M.: U know...reviews...and mr. demento

Mr. Demento must be code for Warren Beatty.

Empath666 5:25 P.M.: LILLITH ELISHA CLAY! Demento could be looking over my shoulder.

DarkOmen666 5:26 P.M.: But IS he?

Empath666 5:26 P.M.: Well no, but that's not the point...listen, gtg, dinner's soon...

Raven's got to haul her laptop into the lunchroom and liveblog about how horrible and inconvenient the seven-course banquet is.

DarkOmen66 5:27 P.M.: K...well ttyl, hopefully, I'll update ASAP

DarkOmen66 5:27 P.M.: Bye!

Empath666 IS away at 5:28 P.M.

DarkOmen66 5:28 P.M.: RAAAEEE! I'm bored.

It's been one minute, Lillith. I realize that hanging impaled on a giant crucifix is far from entertaining, but try and be patient.

Auto response from Empath666 5:29 P.M.:Battling the demonic forces threatening to destroy the world.

"If Diablo regains his full strength, then Tristram's grisly fate will be but the beginning of a never-ending reign of darkness by the three Prime Evils."

If I am disturbed, the prophecy will come true and the world as we know it will be turned into a living hell, with the demonic hell messengers dragging you all down. So, I will be back after the manifestation known as Trigon IS destroyed using the forces That he himself created. Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos.

DarkOmen66 5:29 P.M.: You go do that...O.o

DarkOmen66 5:30 P.M.: I gtg, but I'll bbl

Dark Omen signed off at 5:31 P.M.

Queenie should have written the entire story like this. It's not a big step up, but without boring descriptive prose, it'd have been about half as long.

Of course, then the author's-note-to-story-content ratio would be even more wildly skewed, and I'd just hate it even more.

Empath666 returned at 5:32 P.M.

Suddenly, a new IM window popped up, okay, actually it was a chat window.

Because I totally care about the difference. Or at all.

Bumblebee725 5:32 P.M.: Yo Rae! Who ya talkin to?

Star21788 5:32 P.M.: Yes Raven, who IS it That you are chatting with?

"That" is being capitalized far too frequently for it to be a simple typo; that shit's intentional and I do not at all understand why.

Trmrocker 5:33 P.M.: What's going on?

With this, Raven exited out of A.I.M. and shut her laptop closed, looking at Bee, Terra, and Kori, all sitting at the room computer across the room.

And what a roomy room the room was, with room enough for a computer room within the room.

The word "Room" looks weird now.

Wait, they were all signed in on the same computer? At the same time?!

"Bee! Kori! Terra! What the hell was That for?"

"Who ya talkin to?" Bee answered.

Raven shrugged. "My friend from the camp I used to go to. She also writes for That site I go to, so I keep in touch.

Raven: She's writing this terrific story--it's about what Evangelion would be like if the main character was the bastard child of Laura Croft and Fox Mulder.

But why didn't you just talk to me?"

Would YOU want to talk to you, Raven?

"Cuz it's FUN!"

"What IS That site you go on anyway?" Terra asked.

"That's not important---" Raven started to say.

"What IS important IS you practicing your oral presentation for Language Arts tomorrow."

Wow, That habit of random capitalization sure IS obnoxious.

"Not. On. Your. Life." Raven answered simply, putting her earphones in, with difficulty.

Raven: I just HAD to follow in the footsteps of Van Gogh, didn't I? But one ear wasn't enough, oh no; I had to go one step further...can't listen to music to save my life now...

"Don't want to be an American idiot...don't want a nation under the new mania...and can you hear the sound of hysteria? The subliminal mind fuck America!" She sang, rather badly...but hey, it was Green Day.

If they don't care about quality, then neither should anybody else.

"Raven could you PLEASE STOP SINGING!" Kori yelled, but primarily for the sole reason there was no other way Raven could hear her.

She could try yanking the headphone out and screaming directly into Raven's ear. But then, Raven worked so hard to get her headphones set up; I doubt Kori would want all of that effort to go to waste.

"As if you're Hilary Duff songs are so much better."

"I like Hilary Duff, thank you very much."

Fokkin prep.

"Whatever. ...Television dreams of tomorrow...we're not the ones meant to follow...for that's enough to argue...well maybe I'm the fuck at America...I'm not a part of a redneck agenda...now everybody do the propaganda...and SING ALONG TO THE AGE OF PARA--"

"GOD RAE! Please don't sing!" Terra exclaimed.

She's actually singing along to Green Day. In the same chapter as an Edward Cullen wannabe scowling at people and acting like tough shit. This is the My Immortaliest chapter yet, and that's saying something.

"Like you're much better."

"Well, actually I am."

"Yeah right, that's why you got kicked out of chorus---no wait that's because you were hitting on the chorus teacher."

"I WAS NOT HITTING ON THE CHORUS TEACHER!"

She was bludgeoning the chorus teacher. Why don't you walk a mile in Terra's shoes, Raven, and learn how difficult it is to fight down all of her murderous impulses before you start judging her?

"Sure you weren't."

"I WASN'T!"

"Yeah you---OW! SHIT THAT HURT!" Raven said as she was putting her laptop away.
"What happened?" Kori asked immediately.

"Nothing...just twisted my wrist a bit..."

Ah, one of the classic literary devices. Chekhov's Carpal Tunnel.

"C'mon guys, let's go or we'll be late for dinner." Bee advised.

AtDiNnErAtDiNnErAtDiNnErAtDiNnErAtDiNnErAtDiNnErAtDiNnErAtDiNnEr

THAT'S what "That" and "IS" were leading up to! The ultimate form of grammatical mind-rape!

The girls arrived at the dining hall for dinner, and looked for their friends.

"Where's Gar?" Raven asked outloud.

"If you're looking for Gar, then look at the vegetarian bar." Terra laughed.

"Good point."

Off to the gay bar with Raven, then.

"Hey girls, what's up?" Speedy asked as he walked up to them.

"Where are we sitting?" Kori asked, and in reply, Speedy pointed to a table where Victor and Dick were already seated. "Thanks."

As the girls started walking towards the table, they noticed That Speedy did not follow.

"Where ya goin?" Bee asked.

"To a place." Speedy replied obnoxiously.

"No duh. I meant where."

"None of your business mom."

Off to the gay bar with Speedy, then.

"I AM NOT YOUR---"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever." Speedy interrupted leaving the room.

"Stupid jackass..." Bee muttered quite a few times as she ran to catch up with her friends.

"Who's a jackass?" Victor asked as Bee sat down at the table.

"At the current moment, Victor and Speedy." Raven answered dully.

Hey, what did Victor do?

And more importantly--and for the quadrillionth time--why are you people even friends?!

"What did you guys do this time?" Bee asked. "No wait, don't tell me yet, let me actually eat first."

[b]Are you sure you want to hear about their vivisection of Larry from three chapters ago on a full stomach, Bee?

"What about you Rae, you gonna eat?" Garfield asked. He too, had already gotten to the table.

"Not hungry." She replied simply, going back to her writing. In a notebook, not her laptop.

Raven: Garfield...Logan...choked to death on a carrot stick...seven-thirty PM.

"What IS That yellow packet you are holding Victor?" Kori queried, noticing a flash of yellow as Victor hid a paper.

"Oh nothing..." He said quickly, stuffing it in his backpack, which he had brought with him for some reason.

What kind of preppy moron hauls a backpack around at school, anyway?

"No seriously, what IS it?" Garfield asked.

"You don't know?" Raven asked in disbelief.

"Uh...no."

"God you're retarded."

Ah, here we go. The cast is finally settling back into their stock characterizations--avoiding questions, sniping passive-aggressively at one another and demeaning Garfield.

"Rae, it's not like he would know." Dick pointed out.

"KNOW WHAT?" Garfield exclaimed.

"Nothing Smart One." Raven growled rolling her eyes.

"So Raven, what's my name, Retarded or Smart One?" Garfield joked.

"Your name will be---"

Frodo Underhill.

"I HAVE IT!" Speedy exclaimed running up to the group, holding yet another yellow packet.

"GIMMIE THAT!" Victor yelled standing up, grabbing it, and shoving it into his backpack.

"What IS going on?" Kori asked simply.

"Nothing Kori." Dick answered for everyone.

"Nothing she'd want to know about anyway." Speedy muttered under his breath.

Maybe the packets are filled with incriminating pictures of Speedy and Victor arranged in a variety of gay poses that Richaron, Demon, X, Michael Null, Rita Z. Vanderbilt and Jill Stevens were all planning on using for blackmailing purposes. That'd certainly justify their prolonged absences from the story (Demon and Richaron aside).

But I'm sure the reality is far stupider.

"So what 'cha doing Gar?" Victor asked peering over his shoulder and looking at the computer screen, followed by Speedy and Dick who looked on as well.

"Oh yeah, I really appreciate you guys reading my e-mail." Garfield rolled his eyes.

"Who's Waterboy55?" Speedy asked.

"And what's FVBoy mean?" Dick asked.

This is some kinky shit right here.

"F stands for funny, V stands for Vegan, as in Funny Vegan Boy." Garfield answered.

"But who's Waterboy55?" Victor repeated.

"A guy from my camp, name's Garth.

Gar: His screenname was inspired by his position on the basketball team.

So these characters--almost all of whom are orphans--not only have the money to attend a (no doubt high priced) prep school in sunny SoCal, but they have the money to attend an annual summer camp? And, in Garfield's case, to afford diamond-studded jewelry for Christmas?

He's like, this champion swimmer or something. Great guy, if a little...what's the word? Like...uh...standonish?"

"You mean standoffish." Dick answered.

"That too, but he's cool."

"So what'd he say?" Victor asked.

"I'm not really sure...he has a really...uh...what IS it? Oh yeah, He has a really high level vocabulary. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't."

Garfield: What's this word supposed to mean, anyway?

Dick: ...That's the number seven, Garfield.

"Lemme see." Speedy ordered, pushing Garfield aside to get a view of the screen.

"Oh thanks so much! I really love sitting on the floor!" Garfield responded.

Speedy shrugged. "Sorry."

"Dude, it's not big deal." Victor added.

But before Garfield could respond, Speedy began reading the e-mail outloud. "Gar. So you need some help with the "Goth Kid"? Well, I suggest That you just ask Raven. Or maybe, find a way to delete his screen name from her buddy list, but I wouldn't advise That. And about That word you heard? The worst thing you could do IS probably insult him----and whatever you do, DON'T call him a hermaphrodite I'm assuming That Raven has a higher intelligence level than you do (no offense meant, but you do realize I'm assuming), and she's probably know what That



THAT! IS NOT! A PROPER! NOUN!!!!666



means. Do you even know what it means? Look it up. That's really all the advice I can give you...AL"

"PS: Ziggy says that you'll need to find a way to separate Goth Guy and Raven permanently before you'll be able to leap!"

Before Garfield could say anything to protest, explain, or anything of the sort, the boys all burst out laughing.

"Who the hell IS Goth Kid?" Victor asked, laughing.

"That kid! AJ! You know---the one who was flirting with Raven!" Garfield insisted.

The only thing keeping Garfield from tearing him limb-from-limb is his killer Sandshrew, and Garfield's lack of testosterone.

Dick stopped laughing and managed to compose himself. "Garfield, you need to get a grip."

"Yeah, you do." Speedy agreed. "Uh---why does he need to get a grip?"

"Because he's overreacting." Dick rationalized.

"BUT WHAT IF HE----" Garfield started to protest.

"Drop it."

Fuming, Garfield opened his mouth and dropped the tennis ball into Dick's outstretched hand.

"Yeah, Gar, A) you're over reacting, and B) YOU'RE OVER REACTING." Victor added.

C) Bee is black, D) The guy on the TV was eating maggots, E) Bee is black, F) you're overreacting, G) TERRA IS A TRAYTOR

"Fine..." Garfield grumbled.

"Uh---does anyone know what a hermaphrodite IS?" Speedy asked.

"Trust me, You don't want to know." Dick responded quickly.

(Err...for those who don't know, a hermaphrodite IS, by dictionary definition, "a person or animal with the sexual organs of both the male and the female".)



Raven and Kori were sitting in their room That Saturday...around noon or so. Bee and Terra...well Bee had gone off to look for the boys. Terra----no one knew where she was currently.

She'd chewed off her radio collar.

Kori was studying for the major World War II That was scheduled for---

"Kori, why are you studying for the WWII test that's next Friday?" Raven asked, attempting to concentrate on the project she was currently working on. This science project was due...last Friday. So if she didn't hand it in on Monday---well That wasn't good.

In Raven's defense, she had a lot of fan fiction to catch up on.

"It IS always goo to be prepared!" Kori answered in a very perky way.

Hey, Kori's incredibly chipper and pink, and her thoughts are always vapid and pointless. Why doesn't she fall under the expansive, borderline racist definition of "prep"?

Raven rolled her eyes in response. "You know, there's such thing as being too---"
Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Who IS it?" Kori yelled.

Pooh: It's me.In bed.

"Who do ya think?" Bee answered opening the door.

"Why did you knock then?" Raven asked, giving up on the project. 'Great, now the quiet was gone.'

Raven: Why can't the person who needs to get into her room be more sensitive to MY needs?!

"BECAUSE god knows what you were doing!" Victor answered as he along with Dick, Speedy, Terra, and Garfield barged in.

"Oh." Kori said simply. "Why are you here?"

"'Cuz we're going off campus and we were wonderin if you wanted to come!" Garfield answered...mostly to Raven.

"Where?" Raven wondered outloud.

"I don't know, we're just gonna get some lunch. We’re sick of the cafeteria food." Terra answered.

Oh, so when the story said "Nobody knew where Terra was currently," what it really meant to say was "Terra was with the rest of the cast, but I'm going to say later on that she was really BEING A FILTHY TRAYTOR LOL and ignore the plot hole that this creates!"

"IN MY NEW CAR!" Victor explained happily.

"You got a new car?" Kori inquired.

"No! BUT I PAINTED IT WHITE AND BLUE!"

"Great. A blue and white car. So much joy." Raven mumbled rolling her eyes.

Is there anything that you won't bitch at, you joyless harpy?!

"So you're not coming?" Garfield sighed.

"No."

Raven: If the car was black and purple, I might consider it. Might.

"I cannot come. I must finish studying!" Kori insisted, running off towards the library.

...So, what were you doing goofing around in your room instead of studying in the library?

"I uh---I can't go either." Terra said in sudden realization.

Everyone, including Raven turned to look at Terra in shock. "Why?"

"I just realized I've got---you know...stuff to do."

Raven groaned. "Whatever."

And yet, this all-male adventure is still sixty-eight percent less masculine than No Strings with Ashton Kutcher.

"C'mon guys! Let's go!" Victor suggested excitedly, and the group began to leave, Terra going off in one direction, the rest of the group in another. Raven, she remained in her room, and went back to That annoying science project.

TWOhoursLATERtwoHOURSlaterTWOhoursLATERtwoHOURSlater

That's written the way that Torgo talks.

"I hate Earth Science Lab. I hate it I hate it I hate it. I hate Earth Science." Raven exclaimed loudly. "WHY WON'T THIS STUPID PROJECT GET DONE?"

Because you haven't done it yet, you pretentious maggot.

Extremely frustrated, she saved her 'work', stood up from her place on the room computer ---she always did her schoolwork on the room computer--- and began to stretch a bit, as her legs were slightly cramped.

"Where are they?" She wondered outloud. "Two hours IS a pretty long time to go for lunch. And I wonder what Terra IS up to..."

Gwonam's about to fly through the window and inform Raven that Terra and her minions have seized the island of Koridai.

Raven stretched a bit more, then decided to take a walk outside. It was a nice day, mid 70's, shining sun, and a slight breeze. Perfect for a walk.

Good thing she was wearing her Led Zeppelin tee and bell-bottoms.

So she did, and about 10 minutes later, she was by the entrance of the school, where she saw a mostly white car, with some light blue stripes on it. Raven saw five very frustrated people coming out of the car. These five people also happened to be...Harry Potter, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasly, Ginny Weasly, and Neville Longbottom of Harry Potter!

It's like the story is begging me, on its hands and knees, to crack My Immortal jokes about it! This cannot possibly be an unintentional reference! Normal Teenage Life is self-aware and is actually making fun of itself as I make fun of it!

Just kidding everyone, I'm not going to go all cross over on you.

Oh.

Well. At least this means that Troy Bolton and Matt from Digimon won't be making any guest spots.

These five people also happened to be Victor, Bee, Dick, Garfield, and Speedy. Of course, what were you expecting?

The minute Raven realized who they were, she began to run over. "Hey guys, what took you so long?" She inquired. "And why do you look so mad...?"

They just realized that they've been treating "That" as a proper noun all chapter long, and they're thoroughly embarrassed.

"I'm not mad!" Bee exclaimed laughing hysterically.

"Well that's one person from the trip." Victor growled.

"What happened?" Raven asked.

"Eh, wait, get Kori and Terra. It's so funny!" Bee laughed.

"NO IT'S NOT!" Garfield, Dick, Speedy, and Victor yelled.

"Yes it IS."

They probably saw a Tyler Perry movie, and Bee, being black and all, was the only person who found it amusing.

"C'mon guys. Let's go find Kori at the library. I don't know where Terra IS though." Raven suggested, and she lead the group towards the school library. The boys seemed absolutely furious, but Bee was just managing to walk, as she kept bursting out into random fits of laughter.

Bee: And then--ahehehehe--he said--hahahahahaha--he said "AHELLUUUUUUUUURRR?!" AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAWHAW!!!

Very soon, they arrived at the library, just when Kori was walking out. Very convenient, eh?

Yes, convenient. One might say...TOO...convenient.

One might even say "Ridiculously stupid; shut up."

"Hey Kori!" Dick said happily walking up to her. Hey, the guy's gotta have something to brighten up his day, right?

Someone was reading Dennis the Menace, accidentally said Mr. Wilson's name out loud and sent Dick into a murderous frenzy.

"Hullo!

Get out of here, DJ Croft! We want somebody who spells "hello" the way that it's pronounced!

You are finally back from your trip?" Kori asked, to the general group.

"YEAH!" Bee exclaimed loudly, then burst out into laughter again.

"IT'S NOT FUNNY!" Speedy and Garfield responded together.

"What's not funny?" Kori asked.

"Like we know." Raven whispered under her breath rolling her eyes.

"YEAH, IT IS!" Bee countered, still laughing.

"NO, IT'S NOT!"

"What's so funny?"

"YES IT IS!"

"NO IT'S---"

"WHAT IS SO FUNNY?" Kori eventually gave up and yelled.

I'll tell you what's not funny, Kori: This stupid gag.

"We were just getting to That." Victor said.

Oh, I understand. They were watching Nickelodeon's "All That," and as a tribute to their favorite sketch comedy show, began spelling "that" as a proper noun.

"So finally, tell us, what happened?" Raven asked.

"Well, it all started when we decided to cruise around, outside of the city, you know, the country area of it all..."

Yeah, the scenic countryside of Del Mar, California--you know, where that nail salon that they went to three chapters ago was. Dead grass, chapparral, dirt and dry lakebeds as far as the eye can see. Now THAT'S where I'd like to take a detour through.

Victor was driving in his car, with Bee in passenger seat what else, and the three other boys in the back.

Bee and Victor were arguing as usual, but this time on a rather stupid matter, on Victor's part anyway.

Bee: LORD PALMERSTON!

Victor: PITT THE ELDER!

"OF COURSE HOTDOGS ARE MADE FROM DOGS, WHY ELSE WOULD THEY CALL THEM THAT?" Victor exclaimed, rather annoyed.

"HOT DOGS ARE NOT MADE FROM DOGS YOU RETARD, THEY'RE MADE FROM COWS, JUST LIKE BURGERS AND STAKE!"

Ah, I see. NTL got My Immortal's noun, and My Immortal got NTL's noun. Somewhere, Ebony Way is trying to insert a piece of meat into her sternum and is thinking "Wut? Werz mi peace of wod?"

"When do you think we're gonna eat?" Speedy said in a low tone as the two continued to argue.

"In like---" Garfield started to say.

"Whenever they stop arguing." Dick interrupted.

I'm glad Dick interrupted. Garfield really shouldn't be advertising that In Like Flint is his favorite spy movie of all time.

"Which IS never."

"Pretty much." Speedy replied.

Now characters are actively conversing with Disembodied Voice. He's starting to take more of a front-seat role in things...

"IF HOT DOGS AREN'T MADE FROM DOGS THEN WHY ARE THEY CALLED THAT?"

"HOW SHOULD I KNOW? BUT THEY'RE MADE FROM COWS!"

Nobody is this retarded.

Nobody, anywhere, is this retarded.

"HEY VICTOR!" Speedy yelled.

"Yeah?" Victor answered, stopping the yelling.

"Stop by the Burger King, I'm gonna die of hunger."

"Sure.” Victor responded, pulling into the drive through of the famous fast food restaurant.

“WHY HERE? I CAN’T GET ANYTHING HERE!” Garfield whined.

“Get a salad.”

“I DON’T WANNA SALAD!”

What kind of vegan refuses to eat salad? That's like an alcoholic refusing to touch beer. It's your fucking staple.

“Then starve. Ya’ll got some money? Cuz I’m broke.”

“I’m broke too.” Bee replied, and Speedy and Garfield nodded, indicating they were all broke. Everyone in the car turned to Dick.

“Dick I know you have money. Bruce Wayne IS like a freaken millionare or something, so his adopted son IS bound to have some cash.” Victor replied.

I'll bet that, despite this story's removal from DC canon, Bruce Wayne is still Batman in this universe, and he sent Dick off to private school because he was growing up to be a needy, remorseless asshole without a moral compass. And he's so thoroughly disappointed that his adopted son turned out that way, so he ditched him and adopted Tim Drake instead. And then later on, he'll cut Dick off entirely once his long-lost ex-lover comes to Wayne Manor and introduces him to his young son Terry...

What is it about Normal Teenage Life and inspiring stories in the reader that are comparatively better?

“Yeah, I’ve got money. Just be sure to pay me back.” Dick replied.

Dick's incredibly stingy for a quintillionaire.

“I’ll remember this time!”

“Sure you will.”

“Okay, so what’d ya’ll want?” Victor asked the group as they pulled up the window.
Various orders were shouted, and the person at the counter took them. So...they sat and wait, like they normally did at any Burger King.

TEN MINUTES LATER

“WHERE’S OUR FOOD?” Speedy yelled.

There are five people, four of whom are ordering. It's probably going to take a little while. Shut up, you self-entitled little whiner.

“How would I know? I’m supposed TO STARVE!” Garfield yelled. Even he was getting testy.

Garfield?

Testy?

A character in this story is losing his patience? No! No, that's unheard of! There's more patience, tolerance, friendship, love and understanding between the five of you than there is in all of Equestria!

“Uh, excuse me, sir?” The lady in the window interrupted the yelling.

“Yeah?” Victor responded.

“You’re supposed to pull up.”

Victor turned bright red. “Right, I knew That.”

“Smart one Victor.” Bee replied laughing at him.

Hey, none of you noticed. You're all just as stupid as he is.

“It wasn’t my fault! Does That normally happen at a Burger King?”

“Where we come from, no, so he makes a good point.” Speedy answered.

Well, where the shit do you come from, Assbackwardistan?! It's fucking Burger King!

“That’ll be 30.95.” The person at the next window said. So Dick handed Victor a hundred, the only bill he had, but instead of handing it to the cashier, Victor looked at it for a minute.

“A HUNDRED? GOD YOU’RE LIKE RICH OR SOMETHING!” Victor said in awe.

No moral compass AND the memory of a goldfish. Bee's found herself a winner.

“No really.” Bee commented.

“EXCUSE ME SIR! THAT’LL BE 30.95!” The cashier yelled, causing her microphone to screech, and everyone in the car to groan and cover their ears.

“GIVE HIM THE MONEY!” They all yelled.

So Victor did. “Thank you for coming to Burger King, please pull up and we’ll bring out your order.” The cashier said dully, and Victor did so...pulling just beyond the drive-through area.

"So like I was saying, Hot Dogs are so made of DOGS!" Victor started.

"THEY'RE MADE OF COWS!" Bee argued.

This argument is irrelevant; Victor will eat them regardless of what's in them, as long as it used to be alive.

“Why does he start?” Dick asked rhetorically.

“God knows...” Garfield mumbled.

“YOU CAN’T PROVE THAT!”

I know it's supposed to be funny, but Victor's abject stupidity is just making me wonder how he hasn't died by staring up at the sky during a rainstorm with his mouth open by now.

“WELL NEITHER CAN YOU!”

“WELL I KNOW THEIR MADE OF DOGS!”

“COWS!”

“DOGS!”

TEN MORE MINUTES LATER

“COWS!”

“DOGS!”

“COWS!”

“DOGS!”

I miss the chewing koala.

What a sad place I'm in right now.

“Hey, does anyone know where the food IS?” Garfield asked.

“I don’t know...didn’t they say they’d bring it out?” Victor commented.

“Yeah.” Speedy answered.

“So where IS it?”

“How would I know?”

None of these prep school assholes have ever gotten their own fast food before. Why, they have servants who will do that for them.

“You go get the food Victor!” Bee advised.

“No you!” Victor replied.

“YOU!”

“YOU!”

“BEE WILL YOU JUST GET IT TO SHUT HIM UP?” Dick yelled, getting annoyed.

I'm tired of this chapter.

“Yeah, whatever.” Bee grumbled getting out of the car and walking into Burger King. She walked up to the counter. “Hey, someone who works here! We ordered our food like, 10 minutes ago and you told us to pull up! Where’s the food?”

In reply to Bee's statements, three people popped out, a black woman with way too much metallic blue eyeshadow from the side of the drive-through window, a skinny white girl with a very bad haircut from behind the fryers, and an awkward white guy from..well from out of no where.

Five friends, out for a drive on a sunny California afternoon, find themselves in a burger joint where nothing is quite right. Maybe the ketchup tastes a little rancid, or maybe the food takes a little too long to prepare. You could ask the manager, but he's very hard to get a hold of; one minute he's there, and the next, he's vanished. Whatever the case, one thing is for certain: These friends have found themselves in a restaurant where the customer is not always right. And that's where you'll find yourself when you take the off-road detour...into the Twilight Zone.

"You're fries ain't ready yet, chill girl." The black woman said. (I'M NOT STEREOTYPING HERE! I SWEAR TO GOD THIS HAPPENED AND THESE WERE ACTUAL PEOPLE!)

Black people DO exist! I KNEW it! Thanks, Queenie!

The white girl went back to the fryers, but the guy started to speak.

"You were the people with the 30.95 order, right?" He asked, with his eyes going out of focus.

Who the hell hires an old film projector as a fry cook?

"Yeah." Bee answered. These people were creeepy

"It'll be ready in a minute."

"Right...I'll just--"

"Oh it's ready now!"

"Yeah.." Bee replied, looking away and walking out of the restaurant. The guy following her with their order. She got into the car, and sat down.

"Eh, where's the food?" Dick asked.

"The guy IS coming."

"Here's your food dude, sorry for the delay!" The guy from Burger King said, handing Victor the food.

"Er...yeah..." Victor asked. He got the food and gave it to Garfield to hold. Hey, he had to drive! As soon as the guy walked away from the car, Victor sped away.

"That dude was creeepy." Speedy commented.

Yeah, it was real freaky, the way he politely gave you your food and apologized for taking so long.

"No really?" Bee replied.

I'll bet he's never even murdered his parents or anything.

"DUDE! THE FOOD'S COLD!" Garfield exclaimed. "Not That I care because I'm not eating it...but still..."

"ARE YOU SERIOUS?" Speedy yelled.

"AFTER ALL THAT?" Victor added.

"DON'T FORGET MY MONEY!" Dick reminded them all.

"Actually, it was pretty funny..." Bee giggled.

"NO IT WASN'T!"

BACKtoREALITYbackTOrealityBACKtoREALITYbackTOreality

Wow, that sure was worth the eight hundred words that it took to describe it. I'm so glad that this little real-life excerpt was able to find its way into the story.

"So that's what happened?" Raven asked.

Kori giggled in response. "It was rather funny!"

"NO IT WASN'T!" Victor yelled.

I hate to agree with the disembrained fool, but yeah, that really wasn't funny. At all. In all seriousness, that was the stupidest thing to happen in the story yet. Literally nothing has happened at all in this chapter, and I have trouble understanding why it was even written. This story should have been twenty-eight chapters long.

Actually, it should have been zero chapters long and FUCK THIS STORY.

"Lay off Kori! It wasn't her fault if she thinks it's funny!" Dick scolded.

Dick, you're not going to become one of those clingy, repressive boyfriends who throws a tantrum if anybody dares to contradict your girl at any time, over anything, no matter how trivial, are you?

Just then, Terra ran up to the group, coming up from behind Raven and brushing past her. "Hey guys! Sorry I've been away so long! I had stuff to do!"

"What stuff?" Garfield asked.

"Stuff." Terra shrugged.

Just imply that it had to do with your period, Terra, and nobody will ask any questions. Problem solved.

"Whatever guys. That's not important." Bee laughed. "Let's get to the common room."

“Err...Raven, are you alright?” Dick asked, pushing Raven slightly.

Raven blinked, shook her head, and snapped back to reality. “Yeah...fine.” She answered, despite her sudden feeling of foreboding.

Probably just gas. Walk it off.

"Hey guys, I just realized something really great." Dick pointed out, later that afternoon, as they were all relaxing by the common rooms.

"What?" Raven answered, not looking up from her laptop, typing up a storm. (Just for you wiseguys out there, that's FIGURATIVELY AS WELL AS BEING AN EXPRESSION))

Good, because I was wondering.

Also, what? What? What? Anybody who wants to take a stab at figuring that out, please go right ahead, because...because what?!

"Larry doesn't bother us anymore!"

The one-shot character who appeared for one chapter and then was never mentioned again doesn't bother you anymore! Whoo!

Fuck you all; eat shit and die.

"'Tis true! That IS---" Kori started to agree.

"Dude, you just realized That?" Victor asked in disbelief.

"Yeah, That happened like---like---" Terra started to say.

"Three chapters ago." Raven interrupted.

"Chapters? What do you mean?" Garfield asked.

it is funny because raven is demonstrating self awareness as a character in a fictional story geddit

Maybe that's why she's so depressed. She knows that she's trapped in a legitimately awful fanfic.

That she's also writing.

...

Yeah, just like the Michael Null thing--she has nobody to blame but herself for writing such a terrible story, and for actively putting herself in these terrible situations, and for making herself such a joyless shrew. So shut up Raven.

"Never mind. It happened approximately a month and a half ago."

"What happened to them anyway? They just---just stopped bugging us." Bee asked.

"'Cuz they came to bug us!" A female voice answered.

Immediately when the group turned to look at them, Speedy ran away screaming.

"Hey, isn't That those girls who are out to get Speedy?" Dick whispered to Kori.

This chapter serves no purpose. I don't even know why I mocked it; it has nothing to do with anything. It has nothing to do with Teen Titans, and it sure as hell doesn't have anything to do with Normal Teenage Life. It's just extraneous filler. We need a Normal Teenage Life Kai to cut out shit like this.

"They are out to get Speedy? That is---cool!" Kori answered, and everyone stared at her. "I mean bad. It’s very bad." She corrected half-heartedly

WHY?! ARE?! YOU?! FRIENDS?!

"No Kori, c'mon, we all know you like That!" The seeming leader of the group of girls stated.

"Who are you?" Victor asked in disbelief.

"Well as you clearly see we're a group of girls!" Another one of them responded.

Maybe they're all Rhadamanth Nemes.

Or an exchange group from Planet Amazonia.

"We know That, we mean what are your names and do you even go to this school?" Terra sighed rolling her eyes.

"Oh That!" The leader said with wide eyes of comprehension. "Well, yes, we do go to this school, but next year, some of us are transferring to a school in New York."

It's less of a chapter of the story, and more of a series of vignettes drawn from Queenie's life. Which, let's face it, is what chapters typically are composed of, but at least past chapters also made an effort to relate to the source material. This has just been one random occurrence after another, without any context, purpose or relation to the source material. I can only assume, based on the note indicating that the Burger King incident was true to life, that every single line and moment in this story was culled from the author's everyday life. Earlier chapters were not good by any definition, but they were better than this one; because of its lack of narrative focus and relevance to the source material, this easily is the worst and most tedious chapter I've had to read of NTL so far.

"And why are you here...? Why do you chase Speedy?" Raven asked.

"See my card." She responded, handing Raven a small piece of paper.

"Lemme see!" Terra said quickly, snatching it away. She then read it outloud.



This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jul 5 2011, 06:27 PM

[Al_Cone]

"Fan...fiction...dot...net's...own...Queen...dash...of...dash...Azarath...Only a review away! We'll hurt anyone who interrupts the proper pairings!"

Sounds like Queenie and her gang are at risk of a STROKE if BB and Terra/Raven/Starfire/Kole/Panthaa/Aqualad/Yuki Nagato fail to get together.

"Proper pairings?" Bee asked. "What do you mean by that?"

The leader suddenly looked panicked. "We've said to much! IF WE SAY ANYMORE A PARADOX WILL OCCUR! THAT WILL DESTROY THE SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM! GO GIRLS GO! TO THE SHELTER!"

Queenie doesn't want Colonel Campbell to yell at her again.

"You mean the dorms." Another one of the girls corrected.

"Yeah I meant that Charm."

Almost as quickly as they had come, the group of girls began to ran off.

"YOU STILL HAVEN'T TOLD US WHAT YOU'VE DONE WITH-----" Dick started to yell.

"HI DICK! HI HI HI HI! I'M BACK! HI!" Larry's squealy little voice interrupted.

Why.

"NO LARRY COME BACK!" Someone from the group separated to run after Larry.

"OH, hi Rose!" Raven said waving to the girl from the group.

"Hey Raven:turns to Larry: hits Gizmo COME BACK!" Rose exclaimed coming up to the little fourth grader. She then bent down to his height and whispered something to him.

"REALLY?" Larry responded, and Rose nodded.

Larry: You're a Nigerian prince who's giving away all of his money and you want to ME to have it?

"But to plot against them, you have to come back with us!"

"Okay!"

With that, Rose and Larry ran off to catch up with their group.

"That. Was---" Victor started to say.

A pointless installment in an unnecessary chapter of an already sickeningly bad fan fic?

"ARE THEY GONE YET?" Speedy exclaimed.

"Yeah."

"Like he was saying, That was weird." Bee finished.

"Terra give me That card!" Raven exclaimed.

It's like That Gun, except it doesn't fire 5.56 rounds.

Terra was about to but then spoke. "I can't."

"Why?"

"It's gone..."

"Are you serious?" Bee asked.

"No duh I'm serious!"

"You know what I think?" Raven said.

"What?" Garfield asked.

"I think we should all just pretend That never happened."

"Good idea..." The rest of the group murmured in agreement.

Five teenagers, now eight, sitting at the intersection between reality and the world of imagination, wonder and perplexity. Though their bellies are full, they find themselves feeling strangely empty, and as they return to school to consider their surreal day, they ask themselves why such bizarre occurrences happen to them. To a student of any other school, this would be a legitimate question, but the students of Jefferson Co-Ed should know better than to expect anything else from a school located in the heart...of the Twilight Zone.

"I'm bored." Bee exclaimed later That afternoon.

"Then go on the internet." Terra suggested.

"Theirs is practically nothing to do on the internet, why should she?" Raven countered.

Oh right, I forgot. This story was written before YouTube. And TGWTG.

"I WAS JUST MAKING A SUGGESTION!"

"Well it was a stupid one."

Oh, piss off. You'd probably suggest that she lizzen 2 GC n kut herself.

"Hey, do either of you know where Kori IS?" Bee asked in desperation, hoping to stop the arguments. They had been constantly fighting lately. No one was sure what had caused it, but they just wouldn't stop.

Their animosity is a metaphor for the chaos in the Holy Land.

Or something.

"How would I know? I MAKE STUPID SUGGESTIONS ANYWAY!" Terra snapped.

"Thank you for agreeing with me." Raven replied calmly. "And Kori IS out with Dick."

Why, That's preposterous!

"Again?" Bee moaned. "Sheesh that's like the third time this week."

What, is her her boyfriend or something?

"Isn't it Tuesday?" Terra wondered outloud.

"That's the point."

"Oh."

"I'm bored."

I could just end the chapter right now. Right now. You wouldn't miss anything.

"THEN GO ON THE FREAKEN INTERNET AND STOP REMINDING US!" Raven yelled, clearly annoyed.

"Sheesh. PMSing much." Terra snorted.

"I'm not PMSing."

"Yeah, you are."

"NO! I'M NO--"

Because that's what will redeem this chapter!Teenage girls debating their periods!

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP SO I CAN CHECK MY E-MAIL IN PEACE?" Bee interrupted.

She was sitting at the computer and logging on to her AOL account.

L-A-U-R-E-N She typed in her password, her mother's middle name. No one knew That.

No one but ME, you mean. Time for some good old fashioned identity theft.

She didn't really have any new e-mails, but That was expectant. Her group didn't really send That many e-mails, seeing as they LIVED together in some vague sort of way.

It isn't vague at all; they literally live together. Where is the ambiguity?

They mostly used it to talk to their friends outside of school.

'Hm...' She thought to herself. 'One new e-mail...Wonder who it's from?'

She clicked on the little mailbox. 'Hmm! E-mail from RaNdBfLaVaGrL...who IS That
again? Oh yeah, Rachel from my old school..."

Bee: Good old Christian Weston Chandler School for the Differently Abled.

Meanwhile, Terra and Raven were still fighting---echm I mean arguing.

Bee skimmed the e-mail. "YO! WILL YOU TWO QUIT BICKERING FOR ONE MINUTE AND LISTEN TO ME?"

"What?" Raven asked, closing her laptop.

"Yeah, what'd it say?" Terra inquired.

"I'll read it outloud. BUT ONLY IF YOU TWO STOP FIGHTING!"

"Sure." Terra agreed.

"Mm...whatever." Raven shrugged.

Sorry guys, but I'm not ending the chapter. If I have to read this poppycock, then so do you.

"The subject was Forward...REALLY COOL QUIZ! It says, now wait a minute guys, take a piece of paper and a pen."

Fantastic. One minute we're talking about our periods, the next it's Myspace-era chain letters.

Bee said. "I have to get one too...Do you have one Raven?"

"By the computer."

"Okay, so here we go, this IS what it says, 'DO NOT CHEAT! NO reading ahead---"

"Yeah like we could do That." Terra laughed.

"SHUT UP!" Raven snapped.

Yeah, Terra. The only people allowed to talk are Raven, and whoever she deems "goffik" enough. And you're blonde, so you're automatically disqualified.

"ANYWAY, like I was saying, it says, 'just answer the questions in order. First, get a pen and paper. When you choose names, make sure it's people you actually know. Go with your instinct. DO THIS NOW! First, write the numbers 1 through 11 in a column.' Did That?" Bee read.

"Yeah." The two other girls in the room replied.

I am so bored right now. I think I'm going to heat some pancake batter and pour it down the front of my pants.

"Okay, so beside number one and two, write down any two numbers you want...Then, beside numbers THREE and SEVEN, write down the names of TWO members of the opposite sex...After That, in spots FOUR, FIVE, and SIX, write down anyone's name, like family or friends. Then, in the remaining spots, write down four song titles." Bee read outloud slowly, writing down her answers as she went along with it.

Let's see, cow hearts, pig's feet, Hutch's taxes--aha! Pancake batter.

After they had finished writing down their answers, Bee read the answer key out loud. "You must tell the numbers in spaces 1 and 2 people about this game. Oh yeah, like the rest of you are going to use That. Now listen here guys. The person in space three IS whom you love. The person in space seven IS one who you like but can't work out. The person you care most about IS in space four, and someone who knows you the best IS one who you placed in the fifth space. Space six IS your lucky star. The song in 8 IS the song That matches the person in number 3, the title in 9 IS the song for the person in 7, the song in 10 tells the most about your mind, and the answer in space eleven tells you how you feel about life."

Now I just gotta grease up the skillet. Hmm, no cooking spray. No oil either. Well, nothing keeps pancake batter from sticking like more pancake batter. Let's give it a try!

So you want to know what they said? Well I think that's something you should figure out for yourself. Use logic. Okay, okay, so I'm gonna reveal in it an extra chapter.

"So do you think we should share these outloud?" Raven asked reluctantly.

With that, Terra looked panicked. "GOD NO!"

"Well I believe that is an answer."

Mm, that's bubbling quite nicely. Smells good too. Whoops, we wouldn't want this to cook all the way. Now, to remove the skillet from the heat.

"Hey, guys, we've got to get to dinner, let's go." Bee advised, and the girls began to leave their room.

Raven took her keys out of her pocket and fidgeted with them in the windy weather. What had happened to the good weather? WHY did the stupid school make them use keys to get into the main dorm buildings? Well god knows. But they did, and now Raven was freezing her freaken fingers off, and it was past midnight. How did it get so late? She was in the common room, reading a book, obviously totally absorbed in it, because the next time she looked up, everyone was gone. Everyone. It was beyond dark out, and---Raven stopped fiddling with her keys immediately.
She had heard some rustling in the bushes.

I suppose I could just go all the way, make pancakes and then eat them. Oh well. Down the hatch! Mmm--AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWgh that's scalding nicely.

It was a closed campus for the most part,

Unless you're a roving death gang hunting one student in particular. Then you've got your run of the place. The principal will scold you once and then never again, because he's a piece of shit.

and they made sure no animals go into here, and besides, it was such crappy weather, even for April, so what squirrel would be out?

That's airtight logic, right there, Raven. You know, just because Garfield has the intellectual capacity of a squirrel, that doesn't mean you have insight into the mind of a rodent.

The figure was too big to be a squirrel anyway.

Then why even consider it?! "Hmm, maybe it's a Megazord! Wait, no--it's not seventy feet tall. Dammit, so close!"

Raven stopped immediately, trying to see what it was. The figure stood up and started to run. Raven saw it was human...most likely a student. It was a rather thin figure...with a big head...but before Raven could figure out who it was, the person had run off behind her dorm.

Damn, this is sticky. This isn't going to be easy to wash out, is it? And I'm probably suffering from second-degree burns as we speak. Maybe I should have thought this through.

Raven shuddered and thrust the key into the lock, praying That the door actually worked this time.

Wilson would have sprung for a door repairman.

Fortunately, the lock clicked open, and she opened the door quickly and ran inside.

'Shit.' She thought. 'That's what I get for coming in late.'

Raven didn't care at all That people called her dark, she still hated it. The dark That IS.

Really! Did the autocorrect just change "that" and "is" to "That" and "IS"?! I don't understand this! I don't understand this at all! Who's been fucking with my medicine?! Youuuu're not getinnanypizzaroll.zz...

When it was pitch, pitch black That IS. Cool, calm dark she could handle. But pitch black in stormy weather? Yeah...not so good.

fuckthepainawayfuckthepainawayfuckthepainaway

And no one was around. Damn it. Sometimes she really hated human nature. Raven cautiously felt her fingers on the the walls, looking for a light switch, then she stopped herself. If she turned on the lights, then the adults on the first floor might see.

THE MEDICIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE!!!

Raven's only chance was to make it back to her room in the dark.

Whew, okay. Downed the pills in time. Sense of self returning...self-awareness...restoring...the chapter's still not over?! What the fuck does it take?! I don't have anymore pancake batter!

Well, at least those pills will keep me lucid through the end...hopefully.

Again.

She managed to successfully get back to her room, the time now 12:57 AM.

What was Raven doing out of her room after midnight? Does this school just have no curfew? Is Mendoza running a circus or a boarding school?!

Raven opened the door, hoping she wasn't going to wake anyone. She looked around, and saw everyone sleeping peacefully in their beds. Almost everyone. Raven's head turned sharply as she looked at a bed on the far side of the room, an empty one.

Terra's bed.

Her mind jumped to all sorts of conclusions,

Well, what the fuck were you doing out of bed at midnight in the first place, Polly Paranoid?!

but before she could sort them out, her dorm door opened again, and Terra came into the room.

"What are you still doing up?" She asked quickly, looking rather guilty.

"I was going to ask you the same question." Raven answered peering at Terra's clothing. It was wet, like hers, proving she had been outside quite recently, as it had just started raining a little while ago. "Why were you outside?"

"Oh That? Well uh, I had just left something outside earlier today and I had to go get it." Terra answered a little too quickly.

"Right." She replied...sure of herself.

Are we just not going to find out what Raven was doing out of bed? This story is full of half-written plot points and double-standards. Terra cavorts outside in the rain after dark, and she's consorting with the Black Man and signing her name in his Black Book, but Raven cavorts outside in the rain after dark, for reasons that will never be revealed, and she's blameless and holy! I hate this story and I hate these characters more than Boxtop hates his pasty, unattractive body and misshapen wang!

The next morning, Raven told Bee and Kori what happened.

"Eh? What do you mean? Terra wouldn't do anything like That." Bee asked immediately.

"I agree with Bee. I do not believe Terra would lie." Kori nodded.

Murder her parents, certainly. But lying?

"I don't know...I just---" Raven started to protest.

"Hey guys, what'cha talking about?" Terra interrupted.

"Raven saw you up late last night!" Kori answered truthfully, to which Bee elbowed her. "What? It IS true."

"And what Rae? You're paranoid I'm doing something evil?"

Isn't anybody going to ask what Raven was doing out of bed? No? Nobody cares? What an odd reversal; normally, everybody is clamoring to know where Raven is and what she is doing 24/7. I guess we're still not a hundred percent in character yet.

"Well...a bit I guess."

"You shouldn't be."

"Terra IS right!" Kori added.

"Yeah Rae, Terra didn't do anything." Bee pointed out.

"I guess you're right."

That's all it takes? "Terra was sneaking around after dark!" "She wasn't doing anything, Raven." "Well, I guess you're right." The easily led and influenced Raven Sabel, everybody.

"Do you trust me?" Terra put bluntly. YOU ALL KNOW WHERE THAT LINE IS FROM!

Is this the part where Terra opens Raven's eyes, taking her wonder by wonder, over, sideways and under on a magic carpet ride?

Raven looked surprised at the rather blunt question. "Yeah..." She trailed off quickly.

"Good."

'I do trust her.' Raven thought. 'I really do.'

To counter her thoughts...a very small voice in the back of her mind---she had to get rid of That some day---

You know, in therapy.

responded.

'Right?'

QUEENIE'S NOTES:

Exorcised for pointlessness.

This would all be more poignant if it were not explained repeatedly through the incessant author's notes that Terra was somehow going to betray the not-Titans by learning their secrets and sharing them with Rita Z. Vanderbilt. In fact, I believe there was an author's note that said that, almost word for word. There's no mystery here, because everybody who's read the story up until now knows exactly what's going to happen. The driving story arc--what will wind up being central to the last several chapters, the closest thing NTL is going to have to a storyline--is completely pointless, null and void because it's already been spoiled to the reader six hundred times since chapter one. Never mind that anybody who's watched season two of Teen Titans knows about Terra's villainy. I know I've been referencing Plinkett a whole bunch since this chapter started, but it's exactly like Cop Dog. There's no mystery at all, because the story already spoiled exactly what is going to happen. Imagine if Harry Potter book one contained a detailed list of what a Horcrux was, and what Voldemort used to make his, and if J.K. Rowling had repeatedly interrupted the narrative to remind us of all that. That's not good storytelling (neither is Harry Potter, but that's a rant for another time).

So it's a pointless plot point in a pointless chapter in an already pointless story. This chapter never needed to be written; it has fuck all to do with the story, and it's the worst thing I've read since Raven's Holocaust Adventure. Speaking of, I really should mock that at some point. Sure, it's short, but it's also laughable.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go to the emergency room and try to salvage my pelvis. On a sidenote, I smell delicious.

[xoxjoanxox]

Well, that was a waste of pancake batter...