Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares Options

[Al_Cone]

I am sick and tired of these chapters breaking the forum's post size limit. Seriously, fuck this story.

*****

"Dick? What are you doing here" Kori asked with a confused look. She had hoped...but then she realized that the chances of it being true were slim to none.

A valid concern, since Dick's about as straight as his hilariously phallic name implies.

Dick didn't reply, but instead fumbled for something inside his pocket.

Jesus, Dick! Can you at least wait until you're back in your dorm to do that?!

"Well...um...I...just...take this..." He mumbled, slightly inaudibly, gently handing her a small black box.

It's a holographic message from MoA!

Kori took it, and gave him a slightly confused look, but opened it.

Inside was a necklace. A very beautiful necklace mind you. It was a heart-shaped locket, and made of silver, with small pink stones around the edge of the heart. She picked it out of the box by it's silver chain, examined it for a few seconds, and then slipped it back into the box.

Disgusted, she hurled it into the bushes and burst into tortured sobs. "You son of a bitch," she hiccuped, "my parents were forced to mine for diamonds in Africa until they dropped dead from starvation! I hate you! I hate you! Don't ever speak to me again!"

When Kori saw it, she gasped. "It is beautiful! But...it is just...I..."

Dick looked slightly crestfallen, but spoke with false confidence. "But you don't like me that way, right"

Kori's eyes widened, and she looked surprised. "No! No it is not that at all"

"So you..." Dick trailed off hopefully, and Kori simply replied with a grin.

"Mm-hm." Kori answered with a soft smile.

Kori wants to see just how much jewelry she can scam out of Dick by feigning interest in him.

Then, Dick did what Kori had been dreaming he'd do for...a long time.

He ripped a mask off of his face and stepped forward with an ageless grin. "Hello, Kori. I'm Warren Beatty."

Kori awoke, drenched in sweat (among other fluids). As grim reality replaced the fantastical dream world--once again interrupting rudely before she could be ravished by that Hollywood sex god--she fell back onto the pillow, stuck her hand down the front of her pajamas, and prepared for yet another lonely night of tea with Rosie Palms.

He kissed her.

:insert exploding fireworks, romantic music, and applause:

Remember that episode of Dragon Ball Z where that alien couple reunited at the climax and vowed to never part from one another ever again? And then Vegeta blew the planet up?

I hated that episode. Yet after reading this chapter, I have a newfound appreciation for it.

Later that evening, around say, 8:30, the group met up in the rec room different from the common rooms, lounging on the couches, to just...hang out a couple of hours before cerfew.

Which, if this is anything like any real high school, translates to "get high and chow down on Cheetos."

All except Dick and Kori of course, but they'll come in soon.

"God this was such a long pink day!" Bee complained.

"I don't think it was that bad." Raven answered, still not looking up from her book, which now had the paper cover placed back on it.

"Yes it was" Victor agreed.

"And people call me Anti-Romance." Raven mumbled.

"Hey, has anyone seen Dick" Speedy asked.

These guys need to start wearing bells around their necks, because I am sick and tired of them constantly wondering about one another's whereabouts.

"Or Kori" Bee added.

Almost sequencially, Dick and Kori walked in, hands clasped together.

Kori had converted Dick to her religion, which means they pray with their hands folded and tented upward while chanting in Hebrew and facing Mecca. Made walking back to the dorms a real bitch.

"Looks like someone's finally hooked up." Terra murmured to Speedy.

"Finally" Victor said when they came in. The minute the spotlight was on Dick and Kori, they quickly dropped hands, and turned a very deep shade of scarlet.

It's almost like one of Rumiko Takahashii's works, if Rumiko Takahashii hadn't the slightest clue how to write romance and instead settled on trite cliches and stock character interaction to drive her narratives.

So, basically, it's a lot like Inu-Yasha.

"Finally...what" Dick said quickly.

"Don't even deny it." Raven said with a rare smile.

"Deny...what" Kori asked innocently.

"They're hopeless" Bee exclaimed.

"If we're talking about hopeless, how about we start on Bee, Victor, and their illogical hatred of Valentine's Day." Kori said, taking the subject off of herself.

"Hey, don't change the subject," Bee said. Kori frowned miserably at her failure, and wondered if she could fit Bee under Terra's bed with the corpses of her parents.

"Don't forget their hatred of couples." Speedy added.

"Wait a minute." Dick said.

"What" Victor answered.

"You guys hate like, Valentine's Day, couples, and all that stuff, right"

"YEAH WE DO" Bee and Victor answered together.

Bee and Victor are tsundere for Valentine's Day. "Stupid holiday. I'm n-not celebrating you b-because I l-like you or anything! Hmph! I just didn't want to leave any theme decorations unbought at Wallgreens! See if I care about you, d-dummy!"

"You do realize then, that you spent practically the entire day together, right" Raven answered for him.

"Yeah...um...hey, where's Garfield" Victor asked, laughing slightly nervously.

All this speculation could be avoided easily if they would just TELL ONE ANOTHER WHERE THEY'RE FUCKING GOING BEFORE THEY GO ANYWHERE CHRIST I AM TIRED OF DOING YOUR THINKING FOR YOU WHERE'S A GODDAMN BATTLESTAR WHEN YOU NEED ONE.

Later that evening, around 9:00 after Dick and Kori had went their spearate ways to avoid more spotlight, Garfield came back holding a video camera. Well...BEFORE Garfield came in, the rest of them were having quite the interesting conversation.

"Hey um...Rae" Speedy asked.

"What" Raven snapped in reply.

"Why exactly did you not seem so surprised at the whole Dick being Kori's secret admirer thing"

"I figured you'd ask something like that."

"Why" Bee asked, interested in the conversation.

"I knew about it before Kori did." Raven answered simply. "I helped Dick with the poems. God knows he needed help."

Dick had been writing with the eraser for forty-eight hours straight before Raven intervened.

"I knew those poems were too good for him to come up with on his own" Terra exclaimed.

Then, Garfield FINALLY came in, holding a video camera.

"DUDE! WHY DO YOU HAVE MY VIDEO CAMERA" Victor exploded.

"Cuz. I bet you anything Kori and Dick came in denying." Garfield said with an evil grin.

Garfield makes a living secretly taping couples in the heat of the moment from the bushes and posting the videos to various voyeur websites. It's decent money.

Not that I would know.

"Heck they'd deny it if hell froze over and the world was ending" Bee agreed.

"So WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH MY VIDEO CAMERA" Victor continued to yell.

He's trying to record an amateur DISNEY MOVIE.

"I've got the greatest thing of all." Garfield said, grinning.

"Which is what" Terra asked.

Gar: The love of Jesus Christ! Now, let us all join hands in prayer.

"Proof."

Gar, if the O.J. Simpson trial has taught us anything, it's that proof means absolutely nothing if the defense has got a good enough lawyer.

******

DUMBASS PIECES OF SHIT WHO I HATE IMMENSELY SAY:

Raven: Kori was sure nervous about who her secret admirer was gonna be.

Bee: That's right, Kori. If you have a secret admirer, it's important that you notify the police as soon as possible!

Gar: If your admirer turns out to be a rapist and you didn't alert the authorities to the possibility, then you're basically asking to get fucked in the pooper, you know.

Dick: Not that that was the case here at all. No sir, not one bit.

Kori: It feels like there's a hurricane within my bowels.

Speedy: Why is she telling us that?

Terra: Trust me, you DON'T want to know.

Sailor Moon: Sailor Moon says! *Giggle!*

[DraculaMarth]

I don't know why but I am getting the sudden urge to watch DISNEY MOVIES

[Maniak]

God, this fic is dragging. Seriously, I have to pause once in a while just to get through with it. How can someone manage to write something even less interesting than Twilight, Lucky Star and every Tween Show together?

[Al_Cone]

God, this fic is dragging. Seriously, I have to pause once in a while just to get through with it. How can someone manage to write something even less interesting than Twilight, Lucky Star and every Tween Show together?

Lucky Star has its moments, mind you. Even that chocolate cornet bullshit is preferable to another ten chapters of non-drama.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Dec 29 2010, 07:03 PM

[xoxjoanxox]

I rather re-read an un-mocked version of Pikachu's New Love and its sequel than this crap.

Also, Haruhi couldn't have written this. Her stories would be more interesting at the very least.

This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Jan 2 2011, 06:42 PM

[Al_Cone]

Sometimes, this story manages to find a way to entertain me, despite having the unfortunate handicap of blowing massive ass. And, despite being the worst chapter yet to be featured in NTL, chapter 20 succeeds in this regard better than any single one of its predecessors. Whether that'll hold true for you too remains to be seen.

******

Chapter 20: And I Thought Being Popular Was A Good Thing

Original Japanese Title: "He won't leave us alone!" The Never-Ending Harassment of Ryan-otouto!

Raven walked into her Social Studies class, for once late. She had been talking to Bee in the hall.

Bee: Come on Raven, just fifteen minutes!
Raven: We're going to be late, Bee. Can't your damn vagina stop buzzing for ten seconds?!

When she walked in, she was surprised to see that her normal Social Studies teacher, Mrs. Satla wasn't there. She was replaced by someone who had written his name on the board to be...Mr. Mod.

His curriculum will revolve entirely around patching Counter-Strike.

(Now guess who that is people. For all those who are oblivious :glances toward Cheerful Oblivious : hits Gizmo it's Mad Mod).

"What happened to Mrs. Satl" Raven started to ask.

"Late are we, luv? Okay, that's detention for a week." Mr. Mod said, writing something down.

Mod: Goth...bitch...no...knockers...smells like...week-old...kippers. Blimey, this is the ugliest school I've been to yet And I'm from England!

"WHAT? Detention for a week? But I was only late one t"

"Take your seat duckie before I make it two." Mr. Mod interrupted, and Raven sat down at her seat near Dick (they were the only two of their "group" in this class).

Wilson had gotten wise to their supremacist leanings and took the initiative to separate them. In-class race beatings and hate crime dropped steeply afterward. Naturally, the student body was outraged.

"What the hell is going on?" She hissed.

"Trust me, I have no idea." Dick murmured in reply.

Would somebody in this story get a fucking clue already?! You have an authoritarian substitute teacher! It's not that difficult a concept to wrap your cunts around!

"Right duckies! Your teacher left a lesson plan about World War I, but I've decided to actually teach you something useful!

Mr. Mod: The entire score of the HMS Pinafore! And a two, and a three and-We sail the ocean blue/And our saucy ship's a beauty! We are sober men and--how come you're not singing? Don't you know the words? What in blazes have you been learning in school?! Bleedin' yanks...

Can any of the duckies guess?" Mr. Mod announced. Even though several people had their hand up, Mr. Mod continued speaking. "Since you're all obviously very stupid, I'll tell you anyway! Now let's start with the American Revolution! Copy this all into your binders now little duckies! Why...the...American...Revolution...was...a...hoax..."

Sure, he's an unappealing racist caricature of Great Britain, but Mr. Mod's still the best character to come around since Wilson got put on a bus to Leavenworth.

...Fourty minutes later...

"Right duckies so that is why the English should have never lost the Revolutionary War!"

Mr. Mod burst into tortured sobs. "And we still did, goddammit! Bleedin' fro-ho-ho-ho-hooooooogs...!"

A very scary, very creepy substitute, who insisted upon being called, Mr. Mod decided. "Any questions or whatnot?"

One of the girls shakily raised her hand.

"Yes luv?"

"Umm...we're learning about World War One."

I believe the teacher knows that already, you stupid short-bus bitch. Go swim the Atlantic fifteen times.

"Aye! That is true. Well I'm the substitute and I'll teach what I want luv, thank you very much! You've all taken notes?"

Almost automatically, the class started writing down.

"Brilliant! Oh, good God! Class is over! Right, any miscreants who were given detention report back here today after last period! G'bye duckies! I'm off to tea and crumpets now!" Mr. Mod said, leaving, practically skipping out of the classroom.

It's good to know that Mendoza's standards for substitute teachers are next to nothing. Means that students bereft of their teachers will get only the finest vagrants pulled off the streets to educate them. What a terrible principal.

The class all looked stunned...and slightly afraid...but left the room all the same.

No, you morons, don't follow him!

Raven caught up with her friends.

"Didn't you have detention?" Dick asked her.

"So I skip out on it. It's on a creepy British sub."

Raven: It's all yellow, and George Harrison is driving it.

"Your sub was from England...?" Bee asked.

"Hello luv! Jolly good show!" Garfield joked.

Raven twitched slightly, and shoved Garfield. "Do. NOT. Do that until you have had Mr. Mod as a substitute.

Raven: Or until you learn how British people talk. Good GOD, Garfield, do you even know what accent you're trying to go for? You sound like the bastard child of a Romanian and an Indian.

I swear to god, now that accent gives me the creeps."

"And obviously it makes you twitch!" Victor included.

"Yeah, but that guy was beyond strange." Dick agreed with Raven.

"I'm glad I didn't have him." Speedy added.

"Yep." Terra agreed. She and Speedy still were broken up, but Terra had given Josh up after that whole Valentine's Day incident. Weell...maybe she still thought he was hot, but she'd given up on ever trying to date him.

Robots in disguise generally aren't prime dating material, anyway.

"I am confused though. What is wrong with the British accent though?" Kori asked innocently.

"Friends! Friends, I have good news!" Kori exclaimed to them after classes, after she had gotten her mail.

Fucking bitchtits, man, following up a Kori line with yet another Kori line is confusing and absolutely terrifying all in one delicious, low-calorie snack treat!

"What is it this time Kori?" Raven said in monotone.

"My brother is coming here!" She exclaimed with a whole lotta happiness in her voice.



That's her brother. Geddit? Because TERRA IS A TRAITOR D:<

"You have a brother?" Speedy asked vaugely goffikally.

"Yes!"

"Then why doesn't he go to the school?" Victor asked curiously.

"Well, um, when my parents were...gone...we were separated and Ryan was sent to an orphanage. Recently, the one who our parents assigned to be our guardian, Galfore, discovered this and has decided to send him here with us!" She explained.

So their parents designated a guardian in the event of their deaths, but Ryan still got sent to the orphanage.

Well, we can clearly see who the favorite child is.

"Galfore?" Bee asked with an eyebrow raised.

"It is not an unusual name where I am from." Kori shrugged.

Yeah, if you're ever in Tel Aviv, try shouting "Galfore!" at the top of your lungs; every third head in the crowd'll turn your way and ask "Whaaaat?"

"Since when have you had a guardian...?" Garfield asked, also confused.

"I have always had one, it was just never mentioned..." Kori answered reluctantly, as the topic was...uncomfortable to talk about.

I wonder if her vast material wealth which enables her to go to an overseas private school comes from her foster parent or from her dead parents' inheritance.

Either way, it plays right into about a thousand negative stereotypes.

"He's not your older brother is he?" Dick asked uneasily.

"You'd better hope not." Victor said with a grin, punching him in the shoulder jokingly.

"No, he is much younger than me." Kori replied. "I believe he is about...ten years old."

"They have fourth graders here? Since when?" Raven asked with a confused look normally only used by Kori.

"I dunno." Garfield asked, also with a confused look.

So Raven is a life-long subscriber to a poetry publication whose name she cannot recall, and she has never noticed ten-year-olds at her school which she has been attending since she was at least, say, TEN FUCKING YEARS OLD, if Mandy's comments a few chapters back are any indicator.

"Duh! They're the ones I'm always picking on and calling them shrimps!" Terra answered. Suddenly, almost sequentially, a very small fourth grader bumped into Terra. "WATCH WHERE YOU'RE GOIN YA FOURTH SECOND GRADER!

Nice. That's right up there with calling Kitten "Raven's definition of prep."

MOVE MIDGET! GET OUTTA MY WAY!" Terra exclaimed at the little child. Frightened, the kid ran away.

"You will not do that to my brother will you?" Kori asked with a concerned look.

"Nah! He's gonna be like family!"

I'd be worried. We all know what Terra does to her family.

"So when's he coming Kori?" Dick asked.

"According to this letter, he will be arriving on the 4th of March." Kori replied, skimming the letter.

"Isn't it the 3rd today?" Garfield asked.

The next day, in English (third period), the class was going over The Pearl.

English class is much like history class, in that it has absolutely nothing to do with the material it's supposed to cover. Whereas history routinely includes biology coursework, English is entirely about scuba-diving.

"Right, so can anyone tell me the answer to the first question of chapter 3 of The Pearl by John Stienbeck? " The English teacher asked. No one was really paying attention.

The Pearl was a very boring book after all.

Nothing can ever touch Hop on Pop in Raven's mind.

Some were chatting amongst themselves, those who could sneak it out without any noise were playing with their cellphones, others were working on homework, and one girl now take a wild guess which author...echm...PERSON that is...right! ME! was even reading, with the book under her desk.

I want to be a fly on the wall when teenage Queenie reveals to her therapist that she believes herself to be in a fictional English class alongside teenage superheroes.

Suddenly, the phone hooked up to the wall of the classroom rang.

The Soviet premier was demanding to know why nuclear weapons had been detonated in Tselinoyarsk.

They never did get around to rerouting the line to Washington, D.C.

"Saved by death of boredom from the bell." The girl with the book muttered.

Mrs. Lacerate picked up the phone. "Yes. Yes. To the office. Sure."

Mrs. Lacerate is one teacher you don't ever want to fuck with.

"Oo...someone's gonna get in trouble...!" A loudmouth kid named Raphael called out.

"Shut up Raphael you're being annoying again." Someone...ehem...a particular writer...said to him.

Dude, shut up John Keats, you annoying bastard!

"Okay, I'll shut up now, I'm sorry."

"Freak..." The girl muttered.

But she hates judgmental people, like those stupid preps who deserve to die. And Raphael.

"Right, Kori Anderson, to the office." Mrs. Lacerate announced.

"After class?" Kori asked.

"Now."

Kori picked up her books, and gave Garfield her only friend in the class a look that said, 'what did I do' dude-ur-so-retarded, but left the classroom, headed toward the office. She then remembered what happened to Raven. "I hope no one died..." She thought with a shudder.

Maybe there was a plane crash and her brother died in transit.

If she's anything like Raven, she'll be mildly annoyed before bouncing back onto Dick's lap.

When she got to the office, she found a small boy standing there. He has tousled red hair, bright green eyes, and was about seven years old.

Well, there goes my theory that Kori was adopted by Israeli parents. I'm now forced to accept that this story knows as much about genetics as it does every single other goddamn concept in the universe.

"Ryan!" Kori exclaimed happily, and rushed over to hug the small boy who she had not seen in...I can't think of a number years.

Like Galfore, Ryan is a very strong Jewish name. Kori too. All three are especially common in Israel.

"Your brother right Ms. Anderson? Help set him up for us!" The secretary said, tossing Kori Ryan's room keys. Kori sighed and rolled her eyes.

"Incompetent staff..." She muttered under her breath.

Kori: Just because he's my brother, they think that I'm responsible for him!

"I am very happy to see you Star!" Ryan piped up, using the girl's nickname from ages ago.

Kori was a big fan of The View way back when.

"Hm. How...much...stuff did you bring Ryan?" Kori said, trying to drag his bag along the floor.

"Just enough for three weeks!" Ryan replied, and Kori groaned.

"Has anyone seen Kori?" Dick asked later that day, after classes.

Were this story only written just a few years later, where the magic of text messaging gave everybody the whereabouts of everybody else 24/7, I wouldn't have to suffer through these constant "Has anyone seen ______?" moments.

"You mean your girlfriend?" Victor teased, though Dick didn't deny nor clarify the fact. Which by the way, is oh-so-true.

It's very reassuring to know that this story was written by a nine year old. Mostly because it explains quite a few things.

"Victor why don't you just leave him alone about it?" Raven said, peering up from yet another novel held at bay with her arm, her hands attempting to open a hershey's bar... Garfield peered at the cover, and read the title and author, 'Dead Witch Walking, By Kim Harrison'.

"That doesn't sound too good." He muttered.

Nothing will ever top Hop on Pop in Garfield's mind.

"Actually it's a really great book." Raven replied, not looking up.

"What's up with the candy bar? You're not normally one to ingest...sugar." Victor asked.

She's diabetic and this is her one candy bar of the year. Quit hassling her, man.

"'Cuz I wanted it, why else dough-head?" Raven snapped.

"I'm not a dough-head! Who said I'm a dough-head? Where'd you even get that word?"

From Ethnic Slurs Weekly, the same publication that she got JAP from.

"Number one it's none of your business where I got it and number two you are indeed a major dough-head."

"God, chill out." Bee replied,

Uh-oh, somebody's not sucking up to Raven! Quick, Bee, compliment her hair! Wonder aloud where she is! Read her poetry and lap it up like the dog you are! Hurry, before your leg gets broken!

then turned to Dick. "So, when was the last time you saw your girlfriend?" She teased.

"I said already leave him alone about it." Raven replied.

"Perhaps someone is...say...jealous?" Terra whispered in a low voice only heard by Raven, unheard and unnoticed by the others.

"Don't be ridiculous." Raven snapped, slamming her book down..

Despite the fact that Dick fits all of Raven's criteria for an attractive man (ie: he has a penis) she adamantly refuses to involve herself romantically with someone who doesn't perform blood sacrifices for Joel Madden.

"Then why are you sticking up for him?"

"Oh for god's sake he's one of my closest friends! At least I don't break up with my boyfriend for some stupid guy who doesn't even like me!"

"How would you know? You've never had a boyfriend!" Terra exclaimed.

...So that would probably be how she would know.

"Oh god." Bee moaned. "Their starting again."

"We need a mediator!

I don't know why we're inviting Final Fantasy Tactics job classes into the conversation, but as long as we're on the subject, I'd much rather be playing Final Fantasy Tactics than reading Normal Teenage Life. It's sad when a game that reads like it was translated by blind Tibetan monks fluent in only Swahili still contains better dialogue than Normal Teenage Life. Fitting, though.

Or...no wait...that's not the word." Garfield said, thinking hard. "Oh wait, yes it is."

"Kori is usually the mediator." Speedy said. "Where is she anyway?"

"That was my question!" Dick exclaimed.

Normal Teenage Life has come alive and is now patently aware of its own suckitude.

Or our authoress' ability to write dialogue is so stunted and malformed that she needs to resort to recycling the same conversations, phrases and even LINES wholesale throughout her story to justify having a chapter that breaks the fucking post size limit on the website going out of its way to make said stunted, malformed dialogue presentable.

Both seem possible.

"What the hell? So maybe I don't want a boyfriend!" Raven yelled.

"Oh right, like you totally don't like" Terra snarled.

"Shut it!"

"No!"

Why are we still tiptoeing around the issue of her moistness for Garfield? That came out of the fucking closet two chapters ago. J.D. and Elliotl at their will-they-won't-they-iest weren't this retarded...

"Yes!"

"I don't have to listen to you if I don't want to!"

"WELL YOU'RE PISSING ME OFF!"

"So what? You don't have to go all spazzy on me."

"I AM NOT SPAZZING!" Raven exclaimed, clearing lying.

Aha, see Raven? Repressing your mother's grisly murder didn't do your psyche any good, now did it? Weeks after the fact, your mind is starting to unravel like a ball of gray, codeine-laced yarn being batted about by the kitten of stifled emotion.

"Yeah you are! You're jealous, desprate, and PMSing."

Raven got up, carried her books, and was clearly on her way out.

Got it? She was CLEARLY on her way out. CLEARLY. Better not be any fucking confusion about whether Raven was on her way out or not, because she CLEARLY was.

"AND I AM NOT PMSING!" She exclaimed desprately, clearly flooded with confusing emotions and annoyed the hell out of it. She stormed angrily out of the room. "OR SPAZZING! I AM JUST BEING WEIRD!"

This is so ridiculously out of character, even for a Raven so butchered and distant from the original, that Dick could right now grab his own crotch, squeeze with a vise-grip and start belting out Justin Bieber's "Baby," and that'd still be more in-character than the way that Raven's behaving right now.

"Um...what just happened...?" Garfield asked.

"I'm not sure..." Victor responded.

"Me either." Speedy added.

"Boys." Bee moaned rolling her eyes. "Feh, you guys don't get it."

They have this interaction once approximately every three weeks.

"Not my fault she's spazzing." Terra replied, reaching for Raven's uneaten candybar.

"I AM NOT SPAZZING OR PMSING! AND STAY AWAY FROM MY CHOCOLATE!" Raven's voice thundered, as they heard the common room door slam as Raven finally left the building, clearly going to get some...pain-killers.

Sweet liquor makes the hurting go away.

"Riiight." Terra mentioned while Garfield got up and started walking.

"Um...Gar where you goin?" Victor asked.

"No where." Garfield answered causally.

Dude, just tell him. It'll save me the trouble of having to read line after line after wrist-slitting line of people wondering where you are.

"There's no point in going after Raven. She's PMSing and you do not mess with Raven when she's PMSing. She's like...like..." Bee answered.

"Satan reincarnated?" Terra supplied.

"A living demon?" Speedy added.

"Evil?" Victor also added in.

Those are all completely redundant, and you should be ashamed of yourselves.

"What they said." Bee finished.

"Damn..." Garfield muttered, but quickly followed up by continuing to speak. "I'm um...going to get something from my dorm." He said casually walking out of the building.

Sweet liquor makes the hurting go away.

"GAR GET BACK HERE!" Victor said dragging him back. "Get something out of your dorm my ass (i am a child oh good lord :3). You are not goin to piss off the angry demon when she's already mad enough."

"I'm NOT GONNA PISS HER OFF!" Garfield exclaimed, managing to break free of Victor.

Garfield: I'm just gonna see if she wants to watch some DISNEY MOVIES until her vag dries up.

"You're still not goin anywhere."

"That's two people gone, six to go." Terra noticed.

"Feh." Bee answered.

"Feh. How original." Speedy said.

Wasn't this chapter supposed to be about how Kori's brother came to visit?

"NOW as I was saying does anyone know where the hell Kori is?" Dick asked, obviously annoyed at the constant changing topic, with no answer towards his question.

Kori "Godot" Anderson.

"Hello friends!" Kori said as she walked over to the group followed by a small child.

Shit man, Dick works fast.

When she got to the group, she sat down next to Dick, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. The others including Ryan sniggered, but it went unnoticed by Kori. Dick, on the other hand shot them all a death glare.

"Who's the shrimp?" Victor answered.

"The shrimp has a name!" The small kid piped up.

Victor: Is it "Shrimp?"

Shrimp: ...yes.

"Is that your brother Kori?" Bee said with an eyebrow raised.

"Yep! I'm Ryan Anderson!" Ryan answered for Kori, obviously proud of the fact.

Adopted child of Israeli nanny Galfore Anderson.

Saying it out loud only makes it more nonsensical.

"Hyper little child, isn't he?" Terra muttered, and Raven gave her a glare in reply.

"So how do you like school so far?" Speedy asked.

"I just got here."

"Oh."

Whether intentionally or not, this chapter is a perfect parody of the entire conversational structure and the dialogue in Normal Teenage Life. And God help me, I'm actually entertained by it.

"Where have you been all day?" Dick asked Kori.

"I have been showing Ryan around!"

"Do you need any more help?"

"No...Kori finished showing me around just now!" Ryan answered for her. "Hey, Kori didn't you say that you'd show me the art building and your paintings?"

Hey, yeah! Way to finish showing your brother around, Kori!

"Oh yes! I remember now...I'll see you guys later." Kori replied and the two walked out again.

"Does he have any friends here yet?" Bee asked.

"Obviously not. The kid just got here today, what do you expect?" Victor answered.

"Hey...hey guys I've got an idea!" Garfield exclaimed.

Garfield: Letz lizzen to GC n kut rselvs!

Victor gasped dramatically in an extremely fake way. "NO WAY! GARFIELD HAS AN IDEA! CALL THE WHITE HOUSE!"

At this point, I'm sure the President is open to soliciting advice from the disembrained.

"Shut up." Garfield said, shoving Victor.

"What is it?" Terra asked, taking Raven's seat next to Garfield.

"Hey, member that little weirdo named like...Larry or something who was like...Dick's number one fan?"

"Uch...don't remind me." Dick moaned.

Oh yeah, remember that? From that one chapter earlier in the story? You know, the one that NEVER HAPPENED?!

"Yeah, his name was like, Nosaguh Kakid or something." Victor mentioned.

"Actually it was Nosyarg Kcid, but no one can pronounce that so Gar named him Larry." Raven said, returning to the room.

This chapter should be in a textbook entitled "How to Fail at Translating Characters from One Genre to Another," listed under "Forbidden on Penalty of Torture."

"Well someone's in a change of mood." Bee mentioned.

"Midol works wonders in a short period of time."

Geddit? Period? Because Terra's a TRAYTORZKFODSIAJNUSABUYOIIXBV

"Anyway, so he was about Ryan's age, how about we introduce them?" Garfield suggested.

Dick groaned. "Does it have to involve Larry?"

"Sounds like the best idea we've got, so yeah it does." Victor answered.

It's also the only idea you've got. I realize that the people in this room have barely enough wattage to rival a potato with a lightbulb stuck in it, but come on, at least toss a few more out there before you give up!

"Great."

They decided to wait a few days for Ryan to settle in. Hey, maybe he'd get introduced to Larry anyway. No such luck however, as Ryan kept trailing after them, constantly getting in their way, especially Dick and Kori's. Especially if they were...close, Ryan just happened to step in.

Ryan Anderson: Professional Cock-Blocker.

Hey, maybe that's why Galfore sent him to visit.

Not meaning to of course..just looking for his older sister.

Though it was getting very annoying. And it wasn't just Kori he was doing it with.

Ryan Anderson doesn't stop at mere incest.

Everytime Garfield and Raven seemed to be alone, guess who popped up?

Bin Laden? So THIS is where he's been hiding all along...

Yep, Ryan.

Same goes for Bee and Victor...though they still were hanging out with each other subconciously. Alone, mind you.

Terra...well...who cares about Terra? I don't particularly, so I'm not getting into her.

!!!

*flips/vanishes

Same goes for Speedy. He was just...being...normal.

Terra: Speedy, what are you doing? You've been sitting there on your bed for three days straight, not eating, not sleeping, just...staring off into the distance.

Speedy: I'm being normal, Terra. It means that the author doesn't have to waste brainpower trying to think of something for me to do. Frees up more time to wonder where Raven is and hump her leg nonstop.

Terra: Oh. I see. May I join you?

Speedy: By all means.

The Titans...echm...I mean, our main characters,

Turning a typographical error into a sly gag means that you don't have to burn the calories necessary to push the backspace button on your keyboard.

minus Kori, and Ryan..decided it was time to tell Kori about their plot to get rid of Ryan.

Dick: Vic's hooked us up with the armored car, and he swears that he can make it look like an accident. Now are you in?

"Ooo! The adorable little doppleganger?" Kori exclaimed when they others explained to her what they thought. Of course not about how annoyng they thought her little brother was, but of their plan to, as Raven put it, "help him fit in more and help him make some friends".

Their plan: Petition Mendoza to force all elementary students to wear the yellow star, corral them into a small, specific corner of the school (somewhere close to the dilapidated ruins of the old Ewok village; it's just the right size for them anyway) and, gradually, begin throwing them into giant ovens.

"Doppelganger?" Bee asked.

"Yes! Doppelganger."

"Um...I don't really know if I want to know,

Gaining foreign knowledge is frightening and daunting indeed. To this day, Bee refuses to learn how many states there are in the U.S.A. As far as she's concerned, the entire world is one large, sprawling deciduous forest in the middle of SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA GODDAMMIT HOW IN FUCK'S SAKE DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE ASUFGDY*AGDSHBXCXHJXVGYUOFGEA*&HDF

but what's a doppelganger?"

"A doppelganger is the supposed double or wraith of a living person." Kori answered.

"What's a wraith?" Garfield asked.

"You don't know what a wraith is?" Raven replied with a snort of laughter.

SOMEbody clearly has never played StarCraft~

"Um...no..."

"You mean you've never seen Lord of the Rings?"

"Um...no...?"

If it's not an episode of either Veggie Tales or Bibleman, Garfield's never seen it.

"Wow. That's pathetic. Even I've seen Lord of the Rings." Bee added.

"OKAY! SO I'LL SIT IN FRONT OF THE TV FOR NINE HOURS AND WATCH IT! JUST SOMEONE TELL ME WHAT A WRAITH IS!" Garfield exclaimed.

"It's like a ghost dude." Victor answered.

Actually, they're quite different. One has nuclear launch capabilities.

What, I can't do two StarCraft jokes in one chapter?

"Exactly!" Kori said with a smile.

"BUT LARRY DISNEY MOVIES?" Dick exclaimed, clearly annoyed.

"Yep." Bee answered.

"Deal with it dude. Give him three days and they'll both be" Speedy started to say, but was silenced by a harsh glare given by Terra.

Torn apart by raccoons in a landfill somewhere in Nevada?

"Don't say that! Kori'll get angry!" Terra hissed.

"Um...I mean that in a couple of days I'm sure they'll be great friends."

"Hey! Did someone say Larry?" A small voice piped up.

"Oh god." Dick moaned. "And so it begins."

"Hey Larry dude!" Garfield said.



"Hey there, Garfeller! Make sure y'go see m'new mewvie cummin' out 'fore too long! Git 'er dun!"

"What's up?" Victor asked.

"Hi guys! So I can hang out with you guys now?" Larry exclaimed.

Remember that story arc in Buffy the Vampire Slayer when monks from across the sea magically created a teenaged sister for Buffy, inserted her into the natural world and modified everybody's memories so that they all remember her?

I feel as though the story's trying to pull that same kind of shit on us.

Nosyarg Kcid...or Larry, as he was normally called, was indeed practically a doppelganger of our own Dick Grayson. Well...except for the fact that he was a hell of a lot shorter, a bit weirder looking...and had an overbite that was in desprate need of dental help...well, aside from that, he was practically...a clone. A double. A DNA
buddy. You know the drill.

So aside from looking nothing at all like Dick, he looked exactly like Dick. Ten-four, Admiral.

"Not exactly. We've got a new friend for you." Raven answered.

"Oh..." Larry said in a slightly disappointed voice. "Who?"

"Hey Star, where'd you go, I was" Ryan's voice was heard as he walked into the common room looking for his older sister.

"Ryan! Meet Larry, he's about your age." Kori introduced.

"Yeah, I think you two little stalkers" Speedy started to say, but was elbowed, hard by Terra, "I mean...I think you guys would get along..."

And it was love at first OMGDIDYOUSEETHENEWEPISODEOFYUGIOHICAN'TBELIEVEJOEYANDYUGIDIEDINATERRORISTATTACKOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

"Sure! Hey Larry, aren't you in my classes?"

"Yeah I am!" Larry answered, and the two boys walked out...talking about...well whatever fourth grade boys talk about.

Bitches and hos, then.

And that is something I really don't want to know. Just like I don't want to know what goes on inside Jazzy's head.

And I have no idea what the story's talking about, so I'm assuming that this is yet another sign of Queenie's mad descent into Dadaism.

"HAH! I knew we'd get rid of them like that!"

"I'm not to sure we're free of them yet..." Raven said vaugly.

"Why?" Bee asked.

"I dunno...it's just a feeling. Yah know, like intution or something."

"Intution is not always correct you know." Kori interjected.

Intuition, on the other hand, is...also fairly unreliable.

"Oh feh. I have good instincts. Trust your instincts, I always say."

"Yeah girl! I'm with you on that all the way!" Bee agreed.

I thought that said "Yeast Girl," and suddenly, Raven never having a boyfriend made a very acute sort of sense.

"Mm-hm..." Kori mumbled, still doubtful.

A couple of days after that okay, that next weekend, which is more like three days, the group, for now at least free of Ryan and Larry,and decided to check out the local movie theater. Specifically, Hitch.

Long story short, not even Will Smith was enough to salvage this pile of penis gravy.

"Will someone please tell me why I got dragged into seeing a romantic comedy?" Raven hissed once they were seated.

In the following order, mind you, it's very important.

The fate of mankind rests on whether or not you memorize the order in which these characters were sitting for the love of God don't forget to write it down did you forget DID YOU FORGET OH CHRIST OH HEAVENS OH GOD OH MAN OH GOD OH MAN THEY'RE EATING HER AND THEN THEY'RE GONNA EAT ME EAR TERRAN MIRA PARTS, LEE-SAWW!!!

Left to right. Raven aisle seat, Garfield, Victor, Bee, Kori, Dick, Speedy, Terra.

"Cuz we promised that we'd never force you to do it again." Bee answered.

"And we payed her twenty." Terra said with a snigger.

"Yeah, that twenty had better be worth it..." Raven mumbled, bringing her feet to rest up on the chair, lounging on it, holding her knees a bit.

So, wait, if she's already well aware of why they're dragging her to the movie, why is she even bothering to ask--oh, fuck it; I'm too relieved that nobody said "Trust me, you do NOT want to know" to bother dissecting her wretched character's motivations.

"God I am going to be so bored for...for...how long is this again?"

"About...an hour and a half or something." Victor answered.

"Actually it's an hour and fifty five minutes." Kori corrected.

"Joy." Raven muttered.

Alright, I've figured it out--it's not that my adolescence was weird, it's that theirs is ten kinds of fucked up. Why they aren't plastering their faces to one another and having a great big second-base orgy right now, I cannot say with any degree of certainty. "Normal Teenage Life," my fine ass.

"Shh! The movie is starting!" Kori said.

'Every guy has a chance to sweep a woman off her feet'

"This is going to suck..." Raven muttered putting her elbow on the arm rest and resting her head on her palm.

If Raven can't get over her violent hatred of black people long enough to watch Will Smith be Will Smith for two hours, then it certainly sucks to be her.

FORTY-FIVE MINUTES LATER

Everyone else was...engrossed in the movie. Except for Raven, who, aside from not getting any sleep last night god knows why,

Probably up all night being normal.

Which is to say, not crying over her mother's grisly death.

this movie wasn't even considered entertaining for her. She was just trying to fall asleep. And this was a battle she was losing.

"Sheesh..." Raven muttered.

"'Eh, Raven, you awake?" Garfield said, poking her unmoving form.

"What do ya think?" Raven muttered. Then she noticed that Speedy was scribbling on paper. "Speedy what are you doing?" She mumbled half-asleep.

"Taking notes." Speedy answered.

As an amateur director, it's basically mandated that Speedy study every aspect of the movie's cinematography.

"Still haven't found a date, eh?" Victor said with a snort of laughter.

"It's fiction for a reason dough-head." Bee laughed at Speedy.

Yeah, if people wilted that easily at pick-up lines, every character in this story would be wading through poontang.

Why do I keep having to do NTL's thinking for it? All it takes is an ounce of creativity with the dialogue, but noooo~

"Whatever..." Raven murmured.

She attempted to pay attention to the movie...but romantic comedies really weren't her thing.

Also, Bee is black. Dresses like a bumblebee too. Oh, and romantic comedies are black, and Raven dresses like Bee, who dresses like a...romantic...black comedy...

...

Dammit, look at what this story's done to my mind! EAR TERRAN MIRA PARTS, NORMAL TEENAGE LIFE!

Eventually, as in fifteen minutes later, her eyelids drooped...and she drifted off to sleep.

Right on Garfield's shoulder.

Garfield: Finally. "Best roofies in town," I don't think so...

"What?" Garfield asked as he felt something on his shoulder, turning and seeing Raven there. "I guess she fell asleep." He said with a very light blush creeping across his face.

"Do you not think we should wake her up?" Kori suggested.

"I doubt it. Garfield and Raven are probably happy like that." Dick said with a laugh.

"Hey Star!" Said Ryan as he popped up in the seat behind her.

"Ryan! What are you doing in here?" Kori asked.

"How'd you get into the PG-13 movie?" Victor wanted to know.

"I had some help from my new friends!" Ryan answered.



His new friends.

"Who...?" Garfield asked, and three small boys popped up behind him, unfortunately waking Raven up.

"Hmm...? What's going on?" She muttered, and then realized she was leaning on Garfield's shoulder, and promptly turned bright red. "Um...I...um..."

Raven: Dammit, I thought that it was too bony to be Warren Beatty! Stupid, stupid, stupid...!

"It's okay."

"Who are those other two?" Terra asked.

"SHHHH!" Said a bunch of people, as they were making a lot of noise.

"Stop making a bunch of noise! It's starting to drown out all of OUR noise!"

"This is Jorge and Jose. They speak fluent Spanish...so me and Larry don't really get them...but they're cool!"

"iSi iSi! iMe llamo es Jorge!" One of the two Hispanic twins said. They both looked similar, as they were twins. They had medium tone skin, with reddish sort of hair. The only difference was that Jorge seemed to be missing one of his front teeth.

"iY me llamo Jose! Nosotros somos de Antigua!" Jose added.

All the Spanish dialogue that a third-year middle school Spanish student is capable of writing fluently, ladies and gentlemen.

"What'd they say?" Garfield asked.

"You should know, you take Spanish." Bee added.

"They said they're from Antigua." Raven translated.

"Where's Antigua?" Victor asked.

"It's in Guatemala genius." Terra answered.

I'm sort of hoping that one of them shouts "Viva la Revolucion!" and bayonets the entire cast.

Am I racist?

"What are you doing here Ryan?" Kori asked him.

"We just wanted to see what you guys were up to." Another voice said, and yet another fourth grader popped up from behind a seat. This time it was a girl. She seemed to be about the same size as Ryan, with tightly curled brown hair tied in a low pony, and she had big bright brown eyes.

I'm not sure how one inserts a small horse into their hair, but it's now something that I must attempt before I die of old age.

"Who's the girl?" Speedy asked.

"This is Annabelle. She's cool." Ryan explained.

"Great description of her." Dick muttered to Victor, who laughed.

Hey, you wanna start laughing about bad descriptions? Because I can find about fifteen thousand different instances of shit-awful mediocre My Immortal-level character descriptions all throughout this fucking story, Dick. So you wanna keep talking trash, or you wanna shut your damn mouth and sit the hell back down?

"I told you a thousand times Ryan! Call me Belle!" AnnabeI mean Belle said in a squeaky voice.

"Right. So...you got in to a PG-13 movie." Terra asked.

"Yeah! It was easy!" Belle answered.

"Belle can get into anything and get away with anything!" Ryan said proudly.

"Anything," Belle echoed, giving a pointed look to the group. Our heroes wisely decided never to fuck with her under any circumstances.

"Like Victor." Bee sniggered.

"Yeah! Like Victor!" Garfield agreed.

"So that's Speedy, Terra, Dick, Kori, Bee, Victor, Garfield, and Raven. They're"

Assholes.

"Raven! Oh I love that name! Can I call you Ravie?" Belle exclaimed.

"No." Raven replied flatly.

"THAT'S IT! YOU 12! GET OUT!" The usher exclaimed as he turned his flashlight on to the group.

outside the movie theatre

"WE'LL COME BACK! YOU CAN'T KEEP US OUT FOREVER!" Terra yelled shaking a fist as they were deported from the movie theater. "WE HAVE OUR RIGHTS!"

Bee: I'MMA CALL JESSIE, AND WE GONNA MARCH ON YO' ASSES!

"Looks like we'll have to find another theatre." Victor said.

"You guys have to get us back on campus now!" Ryan pointed out.

Kori gritted her teeth, even her patience was being tested. "Sure."

"You have to do something about your brother Kori." Bee said that night while the girls were preparing to go the bed. It was late after all

Why, it was well after eight thirty!

"What do you mean? He is...fine." Kori said.

"Kori. He's won't leave us alone!" You have to set him straight."

Pray the gay away, Kori.

"Hmm...I guess you have a point. I just do not wish to be mean to him."

"There's a difference between being mean, and being honest." Raven stated.

"And you should know that better than anyone." Terra laughed.

"Shut up."

"Well it's true."

"WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?"

The self-parody aspect of all of this got lost loooong ago.

"It means you can be honest at times, then at other times you can be really nasty."

"Oh like you're not nasty yourself."

"In fact I'm not."

"Girls! Rae! Terra! Quit fighting!" Bee exclaimed.

"Yes! Raven, Terra didn't mean that!" Kori said desprately trying to meditate between the two.

"Yes she did!" Raven yelled.

"Raven's right, yeah I did!" Terra agreed.

"Raven! Terra!" Bee interrupted.

"Shut up!" Raven yelled to Terra.

"No!" Terra replied.

"You're being a bitch!"

"No I'm not!"

This had better lead to pistols at dawn. It's either that or oral sex, and given the volatile and sexless nature of this cast, it's got to be pistols at dawn.

"Yes you are!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"WILL YOU TWO PLEASE SHUT UP?" Kori yelled, a rarity for her. Immediately, whatever motion and noise that was going on stopped, the only sound in the room being Bee's radio blasting Green Day's "Boulevard of Broken Dreams".

Nuh-uh, not having it. Bee's character is firmly established as only liking R&B, because she is black.

"Wow..." Terra said.

"You yelled." Raven added with wide eyes.

"Knew you had it in you girl!" Bee encouraged. "Speak out!"

Kori smiled sweetly, "Thank you. Now, I advise that we should spend some quality time together tomorrow, just us, so we have the time to sort out our differences."

So much for pistols at dawn...

"What'd she say?" Terra asked.

"Girl's day out." Raven explained.

The girls went into town that next day, and had a girl's day out. You know, shopping! For just about anything...jewelry, clothes, accessories, shoes, ect, ect.

Ammunition, animal feces, tampons--chick stuff.

At the current moment, they were relaxing in "Star Nails", getting a pedicure.

"I can't believe you guys dragged me around to go shopping of all places." Raven commented.

"Aw stop complaining Rae, you know you loved it!" Bee responded.

"Right. Just as much as I love having a root canal."

Someone should really point out how, if she didn't want to go on these excursions, she should shut her stinkhole and stop going along with them.

"So you're telling us you didn't enjoy getting five pairs of jeans?" Terra asked.

"And new jewelry?" Kori added.

"Uh" Raven started to talk, but was interrupted by Bee's very unique cellphone ring.

'Rock it, don't stop it, everybody get on the floor, wake the party up, we about to get it on, (Let me see ya'll) 1,2 step, (I love it when ya'll) 1,2 step (Everybody) 1,2 step, we about to get it on, this beat is outrageous so contagious make you crave it, (Jazze made it), so retarded, top charted, ever since the day I started, strut my stuff,
and yes I flaunt it, goodies'

Ah, THERE we go! No more of that Green Day nonsense. Finally true confirmation that Bee is black!

"1,2 Step? Oh god Ciara right?" Raven groaned.

"Who else?" Bee answered.

"God I hate that song. Give me punk, give me rock, anything but 1, 2 step. I hate that song. I don't care if it's addicting I hate it. You can't even follow the lyrics. And don't even get me started on the beat. The beat is"

"Automatic supersonic hypnotic funky fresh, work my body so melodic, this beat flows right through my chest, everybody ma and pappi came to party, grab somebody, work your body, work your body," Bee sang.

The Hybrid on Battlestar Galactica makes more sense than these lyrics.

"Let me see you 1,2 step!" Kori and Terra chimed in.

Raven groaned. "I'm surronded by mindless drones.

That's what you get for shopping on the Borg Ship.

Just pick up your cell phone Bee."

"Oh yeah! Cell phone!" Bee said as she checked the caller ID picked it up. "Why is Victor callin me? Ya'll wanna hear it?"

"Sure." Terra answered as Bee pressed the speakerphone button.

"Hullo?" Bee asked.

"YOU LEFT US WITH KORI'S BROTHER!"

And he only wants to watch DISNEY MOVIES.

"Okay...who just said that?" Terra asked.

"I did!" Garfield's voice was heard.

"What are you doing on Victor's cellphone?" Kori asked.

"It's speakerphone!" Dick answered.

"Now tell me, what is wrong with my brother?"

"Nothing. BUT YOU GUYS LEFT US WITH HIM AND THE INSANE PLAYDATE POSSE!" Victor exclaimed.

"The what playdate what?" Bee asked.

It's Disney's new show, Insane Playdate Posse. A bunch of kids put on clown make-up and make-believe they live in a magical world of magnets and fire.

"I think he means Jorge, Jose, Larry, and Belle." Raven answered for Victor.

"Yeah! What Raven said!" Garfield cut in.

"Naw, Belle left to go somewhere." Victor answered.

"When?"

"VICTOR! You called me! If you're gonna talk to Garfield you don't need a phone for that!" Bee exclaimed into the phone.

"Sheesh! Girl you yell loud." Victor scolded.

Ah, so THAT'S why they didn't have sex in the theater...

"Right. Where did Belle go?" Kori asked.

"She went off campus to find you guys."

"You told her where we were?" Terra asked.

"You know where we are?" Bee said in horror.

Looks like those tracking collars that the boys got you back at the ski resort paid off after all!

"Yeah, 1615 Ocean Avenue. Star Nails or something right?" Speedy answered.

A quick look at Google Maps places them in the fine city of Del Mar.

I live ten minutes away from Del Mar, and shit don't have no deciduous forests. I'm calling shenanigans.

"Why do you know that...?" Raven wondered outloud.

"Cuz you told us yesterday." Garfield exclaimed.

"They don't let fourth graders off campus." Raven corrected.

"This is Belle we're talking about. Do you really think she can't convince someone to let her off-campus?" Dick answered.

The entire staff of Jefferson Co-Ed is addicted to lolicon. She can get what she wants by flashing her panties ever so slightly.

"But she's 10! They do not let ten-year-olds off campus." Kori exclaimed.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"Just get back soon so we can figure out a way to get rid of them!" Victor exclaimed as he hung off the phone.

Do they do post-natal abortions...?

"NEXT TIME LEARN HOW TO RUN A CELLPHONE CALL PROPERLY!" Bee yelled into the phone.

"Bee? He hung up..." Raven mentioned.

"Heh, heh...yeah I knew that..." Bee said laughing nervously.

"Sheesh Kori, your brother pain much?" Terra answered.

Sentences no grammar correct having sad Al create.

"Do not remind me." Kori groaned.

"Hmm? I thought that you didn't realize what a pain your brother was?"

"TERRA! Don't say that!" Raven snapped.

"Rae, it is okay. We went over this last night." Kori explained.

I don't see what the problem is; he's no worse than the rest of y'all. Actually, considering he doesn't bitch about breakfast buffets, ditch class to gossip about girls or display zero emotion at the death of his mother, he's pretty much head and shoulders above the lot of you.

"So we'll figure out a way later."

"But what about Bella?"

Another violent argument breaks out among the girls, this time over their placement on either Team Edward or Team Jacob.

"Hey! Kori! Bee! Terra! Ravie! I was looking for you everywhere!" The squeaky voice of Bella exclaimed.

Hahaha, wacky fun. Good times, good times. Now, prepare yourselves for the shocker of the century--none of these characters will ever be seen or referenced except in passing ever again. I know, it's impossible to wrap your mind around, but there it is.

******

ROTTING PILES OF ANIMAL CARCASSES SAY:

Bee: Kori's brother sure is annoying, isn't he?

Kori: That's right, Kori! That's why it's always important to wear your seat belt when crossing the street.

Dick: Volcanoes are dangerous, and occasionally release toxic gasses, ash and lava into the atmosphere?

Terra: REBEL GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL!!! I'M A REBEL GIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL!!!

Sailor Moon: Sailor Moo--

Garfield: BITCH WE AIN'T DONE TALKIN'! JUDO CHOP!

Victor: Oh my--Gar! You just murdered Sailor Moon!

Speedy: If you're not gonna use that, then can I take it home with me? For, uh. Science?

Raven: Sailor Raven says. Giggle.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jan 5 2011, 09:18 PM

[Lizard-Man]

I think this story is getting to you Al, you're seriously going a bit loop, especially at the end there. Makes for great laughs though.

[Kassad]

This was the world war I lesson

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uk37TD_08eA

[The Chosen]

Why did Garfield bring a pencil and paper to a dark theater?

[Max-Vader]

This fanfic is like chinese water torture slowly eroding your sanity. On the plus side, insanity makes Al crack even better jokes than usual. Good job, by the way.

[TigerEyes]

Hahaha, wacky fun. Good times, good times. Now, prepare yourselves for the shocker of the century--none of these characters will ever be seen or referenced except in passing ever again. I know, it's impossible to wrap your mind around, but there it is.

?!@?>!@#!@JEI@@!@!??!!?

How is it even POSSIBLE to suck this bad at writing!? At least with most other fics, you can sort of see how they could do it by accident, but this almost feels like she's doing it on purpose!

[Al_Cone]

I've been going through my old hard drive and finding the strangest things. Like, for instance, an entire 236-page document of Normal Teenage Life and its reviews as they were at the time of its original posting. I have no idea how it got on my hard drive, why or when it got there either, but it's there and it's absolutely baffling to me.

There is a hell of a lot of chaff that Queenie, blessedly, took out of the story when she reposted it in 2008. One thing, for instance, that I'd totally forgotten about is that she used to put Teen Titans trivia questions at the end of every chapter, as well as lengthy, stream-of-consciousness author's notes detailing whatever minutia was on her mind at that moment. In excessive detail.

As for the reviews, a lot of it is pretty pedestrian, but there is the occasional moment of absolute madness. For instance, the reviews for the previously-mocked chapter include, of all things, a lengthy and badly-punctuated essay on why homosexuality is immoral.

he main reason Gay's want the right to marry is so they will have the same benifits as a man and a woman. Though many would agree that the best type of family,that functions best in society,is a family with a mother and a father, others would debate that a family with two fathers or mothers would function equaly as well. The truth of the matter is, no matter who your partner is you still meed a man and woman to make a baby. That's the way God designed it. God created man and woman to be the pefect match for each other. Some would say that a man and a man get get along just as well, it is like tinkering with the original design. When sin entered the world, Satan began to corrupt peoples minds. He convinced people that what God had created was not the way it should be, therefore, homosexuality was alowed to roam freely. God loves everyone in the world, but he hates the sin we comite. Many people like to say that being Gay is something you are born into. This is nothing more than a cleaver lie of Satan. People choose to become gay, wether they realize it or not. In a way it is like an illness that takes over a society. If you look up the history of the ancient Romans or Greeks, you will find that whole societies were destroyed because they were given up completly to homosexuality. If we let our society go down this road we could very well find ourselves in a stalemate with no way to procreate. By alowing Gay Marriage we are saying that this kind of behavior is acceptable and is what God intended for the human race when he created us. To put another spin on it. Let's say you opened this story you are writting with the intent of uploading a new chapter. You looked at your chapters and realized that someone had changed there order. Your original design was now flawed. It changed the way the story flowed to the point it was almost unreadable. However, instead of getting mad and changing it back, you decided to leave it because that person had the right to express themself in that way. That's kind of what homosexuality is and what giving them the right to marry does. It's like rewarding a person for doing wrong. Another point on this is that there is a lot of research that has been done on how the children of a gay couple are effected by it. Most psychologists agree that a child responds better to an environment with both a mother and a father. Granted we also lump single parent families with the gay couples, but you get the idea. Bush seems to come across as unfair and perhapse a bit hard to swallow at times only because we as Americans have learned to accept certain lifestyles. It seems unfair for him to say that the only marriage that should be accepted is a marriage between a man and a woman, when he is just following the laws God gave us to live by. God created everyone equal and we fell into temptation, alowed sin to enter the world, let Satan corrupt us, and ultimatly turned our backs on our creator. God allowed his son, Jesus, to die a HORRIBLE death on a cross to pay the price for our sins. We are supposed to die for every sin we commite, but because of this sacrifice we don't have to. We are not perfect, but the fact that we strive to be makes God happy. He is like a father that we want to please. He is strick and has rules that keep us safe, but ultimatly he loves us UNCONDITIONALY. Satan doesn't want us to have this love. His desire isfor us to continue down the road of sin untill we die and live with him for all eternity in the most horrible place imagineable. President Bush is the breath of fresh air this country has been begging for. Many people hate him because they don't like to be told that what they are doing is wrong.

I hope I answered your question without preaching at you too much. My points tend to come across like that sometimes. I am encouraged that you desire to see other peoples view points on these important topics. Don't be discouraged about your friend not wanting to discuss these things with you. I was like that at that age so, I understand. It may be nothing more than the fact that they just don't know how to say what they want to say. As for Bush, it might be helpful to take his points and look at them from both perspectives. It makes sure that you have the facts straight and that your ideas are your own and not something someone has planted in your mind.

The above is the single most hilarious thing I have ever read, and it is a textbook example of why middle school students should not be allowed to express their thoughts. I may mock it at some point in time.

[Max-Vader]

What the heck could provoke someone to write an essay about homosexuality when not a single person in the story is gay? Plus, appealing to "God's Law", citing the downfall of Rome while being completely ignorant of history and using the same ridiculous nonsense the Prop 8-guys have used while obsessively worshipping Bush's junk... are you sure this isn't some kind of Troll?

[xoxjoanxox]

If you look up the history of the ancient Romans or Greeks, you will find that whole societies were destroyed because they were given up completly to homosexuality.

WTF.... Ok, the Greeks and Romans were hot and heavy, but homosexuality wasn't the reason for their decline. ಠ_ಠ Stop preaching about how gays are wrong and pick up a textbook, you stupid middle schooler.

[Max-Vader]

WTF.... Ok, the Greeks and Romans were hot and heavy, but homosexuality wasn't the reason for their decline. ಠ_ಠ Stop preaching about how gays are wrong and pick up a textbook, you stupid middle schooler.

You know what the ultimate irony was? Rome got, for the first time in it's entire history, successfully attacked and plundered by barbarians AFTER they adopted Christianity. Needless to say, the Pagans were laughing their asses off. Especially since the Christians back then believed that Rome would only fall when the end of the world was coming. Since it clearly didn't, they had to explain the failure of their prophecy away. And they did, in the most asinine manner possible. They basically argued that the Roman Empire didn't fall, because Constantinople was still standing. Well, this is what you get when you make up bullshit prophecies that are nowhere in the Bible.

[Al_Cone]

You know what the ultimate irony was? Rome got, for the first time in it's entire history, successfully attacked and plundered by barbarians AFTER they adopted Christianity. Needless to say, the Pagans were laughing their asses off. Especially since the Christians back then believed that Rome would only fall when the end of the world was coming. Since it clearly didn't, they had to explain the failure of their prophecy away. And they did, in the most asinine manner possible. They basically argued that the Roman Empire didn't fall, because Constantinople was still standing. Well, this is what you get when you make up bullshit prophecies that are nowhere in the Bible.

But then Constantinople fell and got renamed a bajillion times and ruled by Muslims. So what then?

But now the end of the world is coming in May apparently. That'll be interesting to see...

[Maniak]

You know what the ultimate irony was? Rome got, for the first time in it's entire history, successfully attacked and plundered by barbarians AFTER they adopted Christianity. Needless to say, the Pagans were laughing their asses off. Especially since the Christians back then believed that Rome would only fall when the end of the world was coming. Since it clearly didn't, they had to explain the failure of their prophecy away. And they did, in the most asinine manner possible. They basically argued that the Roman Empire didn't fall, because Constantinople was still standing. Well, this is what you get when you make up bullshit prophecies that are nowhere in the Bible.

That and please correct me if I am wrong, but she is saying, that the roman empire broke down in general. Wasn`t it more so, that as a result of historical events like the attacks of the barbarians, the empire itself broke only down in pieces, that in some ways remained intact until christianity as a social factor/religion took over completely around the Middle Ages, influencing monarchists all over the continent in one way or another?

Also, as far as I know at least a few popes back in the old days were in fact homosexual pedophiles. Okay, not a big difference to our situation nowadays, but back then you could openly admit it. HEck, I think one Pope even married his own mother on the age of 25.


Oh and the entire stick about homosexuality is like someone craking your password and then writing stuff in your fanfictions? Not only is it absolutely stupid to compare the writing of people with an high amount of imagination with a social subject that has been debated since the days some ass decided "you know what, let us not only define laws, but also social values, etic and morals" but regarding her own writing... let me put it up like this: If someone would mendle with her stuff, and may it just be Psychostorm, Charles Roberts or gontermann, it would still be better and in some way more entertaining than everything she wrote so far in "Normal Teenage life". so if we take this insane troll logic even a few points further, we realize, that as much as we would need even such depraved human being to make her stuff more tolerable without us becoming suicidal out of boredom, in order to make life itself more valuable -what in my opinion is (if there would be a god) the only purpose we have in general as a species (heck, what kind of purpose should we even have in the universe? If we die, we are dead. How would that infleunce some life in another galaxy?) - we wouldn`T only need homosexuals to have a more "colorful" world, we would also need transsexuals, furries, perhaps some people with really weirdass fetishes and... yeah, I guess you know what I want to say.

Lets not forget the entire "God hates gays and homosexuality is a creation of Satan thing".
Seriously, as soon as you throw religion in any debate regarding society, I think you are going to lose.

[Al_Cone]

By the way, as much as I love history, I don't want this topic to become, like, the spam topic for the fall of the Roman Empire. Like I said, I'll probably mock this at some point in time, and then that thread can devolve into discussion about Rome, but for now let's just stick to discussing how stupid these reviews are.

I'll probably post some more too, along with some author's notes that got taken out of the repost, but they have to be a special kind of stupid...

[Max-Vader]

But then Constantinople fell and got renamed a bajillion times and ruled by Muslims. So what then?

After that, nobody gave a shit anymore and they invented all new bullshit apocalyptic prophecies that didn't happen.

That and please correct me if I am wrong, but she is saying, that the roman empire broke down in general. Wasn`t it more so, that as a result of historical events like the attacks of the barbarians, the empire itself broke only down in pieces, that in some ways remained intact until christianity as a social factor/religion took over completely around the Middle Ages, influencing monarchists all over the continent in one way or another?

From Wikipedia:

Constantine I (sole ruler 324–337) became the first Christian emperor, and in 380 Theodosius I established Christianity as the official religion.

The year 476 is generally accepted as the formal end of the Western Roman Empire. That year, Orestes refused the request of Germanic mercenaries in his service for lands in Italy. The dissatisfied mercenaries, led by Odoacer, revolted, and deposed the last western emperor, Romulus Augustus. This event has traditionally been considered the fall of the Western Roman Empire.

Okay, I'm done now.

This post has been edited by Max-Vader: Jan 9 2011, 01:37 PM

[Ocil]

The worst part is that I actually know and am friends with someone who could easily have written that.