Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares Options

[Al_Cone]

Today, we discover that a chapter's suckiness is closely related to its length. This chapter is the longest yet, and by no accident, it's also the absolute shittiest pile of shit anybody's ever shit, measuring over two hundred thousand Courics in weight and length. It actually breaks the forum's length cut-off. And what happens in this chapter to make it such a detestable pile of filth? I'm glad you asked, but I'm not going to tell you. If you think you can swim through a turd this nasty and retain your sense of self, them dive right in, because I sure as hell can't. And, consequently, now I think that I am a hummingbird.

Now scram, or I'll start pollenating you.

*****
Chapter 18: Enchanted

Original Japanese Title: "Personal Intrusion Again?! At last, the author's creativity runs dry!"

Re-cap of last chapter for those who have forgotten:

Because it's not like you can just open up the "select chapter" box and re-read what happened at the end of the previous chapter, if you were stupid enough to forget in the first place. Since I'm too offended by Queenie's insinuation that I have no basic reasoning skills to want to retread that ground (and because Raven's prioritizing having a boyfriend over the BRUTAL MURDER OF HER MOTHER still pisses me off), we're going to trim this particular stretch of fat.

"Shouldn't I go check on Raven?" Garfield asked about half an hour later.

"She looked like she wanted to be alone." Dick said shaking his head as if to say 'no'.

Queenie knows her target demographic well enough to know that human body language is a foreign concept to them.

"Besides, I don't think she'd want to talk to you now." Victor said, snickering at him a bit.

"But I feel so guilty." Garfield moaned.

"You should be." Bee said giving him a glare. "You went into her personal things and invaded her privacy."

What is with this sudden holier-than-thou attitude? Weren't the two of them just peachy with rifling through Raven's personal belongings at the end of the last chapter? I don't recall a single word of protest from Bee or Victor, so where they get off, I have no clue.

"But-but-"

"Garfield. If you truely wish to assist Raven in 'feeling better', you should give her some time." Kori said finally.

Or some morphine. Opiates generally speed the coping process.

Raven tried to distract herself, by reading one of her latests novels. Okay, so Kori had begged her to read it. She had been doing that quite a lot lately. It was about a girl, who although she had many friends, was troubled and felt, alone. Somehow, she got mixed up witha boy who she had trusted, but he was a bad, even evil person, who was using her for personal gain.

Oh good, more Twilight parallels.

In the end, one of her best guy friends helped her out. Raven of course, didn't know about that particular ending. When she finished reading it, she merely tossed it away.

The lesson here? Never lend anything to Raven, unless you want it to come back dented all to next Thursday.

"Uch! What a crappy ending!" She scoffed. "Real life is nothing like that! No friggin guys like that!

Raven: Where's MY Patrick Bateman? Huh?!

Honestly! The nerve of that writer!" She said, her eyes filling with tears again. "No best friends to help you when you're down! Hmph! Stupid book...asshole...(grumble)...NOT FAIR!"

I don't think Raven really remembers that her mother was murdered.

Come to think of it, I don't think this story does either.

Raven just sat there for quite a bit of time, mumbing on about injustices of unfair, stupid, unrealistic books that give people hopes that'll never happen.

Raven never forgave her closet for not being a gateway to Narnia.

Raven got up, finally tired of just sitting there, deciding to go back to her room. So what if she'd skip classes today? They couldn't punish her for a first offence.

A principal who neither has the empathy for his students when they need to grieve, nor the fortitude to punish them when they skip class. Remind me why Wilson was such a bad guy?

Also, didn't the last chapter end around dinner time? And doesn't this all take place a half an hour after the end of the last chapter? So shouldn't she be done with all her classes? So why is she even thinking about it? Does this story just operate under the belief that basic continuity is a waste of time?

She hoped. She picked up her books that she still had with her and started walking back to the dorm quickly, not really looking where she was going.

Suddenly, she sort of tripped over her own feet, the book on the top of her stuff, falling to the ground.

Here's karma bitch-slapping Raven for treating Kori's book so shabbily.

As she tripped, she crashed right into someone, who appeared out of almost no where, as if he had come out of her fallen book.

It's Batman! He's come to throw Raven in prison for being an unlikeable bitch!

As she crashed into him, the rest of her books spilled all over. Everything she had with her, her textbook, binder, folder, assignment pad, spare books, pocketbook,

Hunting knife, ten pound ball of string, bag of non-kosher hot dogs made entirely from pig's feet, a semen-stained photograph of Warren Beatty, Hutch's taxes,

and, her little black book.

"Watch where you're-" Raven started to snap. Raven looked up to see who she almost shouted at, but stopped instantly as soon as she layed eyes on him. Raven stood there in awe. Was she looking upon a dare she think it...a god? No, he was much to gorgeous to be a god.

It's a good thing Raven doesn't believe in Jesus, so she can't worry about his feelings getting hurt over putting some pimply-faced teenage asshole's physical attractiveness over his.

The way the light captured his soft blue eyes was magnificent.

It got them down to just two HP and hit them with an Ultra Ball, pressing down and B together at just the right moment.

It looked like he had the soul of a knight dancing in them. The eyes were the window to the soul after all.

...Eh, that still makes more sense than Scientology.

His blonde...was it blonde?...hair was so pale that it looked white and was pulled up in a pony-tail revealing more of his handsome face.

This asshole had better be (yet another) transfer student, because the odds of Raven not noticing our Aryan Adonis for the entire duration of the story whatsoever are too fucking slim for me to let slide.

"Sorry...all my fault." He said, bending down to help pick up Raven's things. "I'm Michael by the way. Michael Null. And you?"

So HE'S the man with the same codename as Null. Gene, you conniving bastard...

"No problem...I wasn't looking where I was going. I'm Raven Sabel." Raven said, getting her books sorted out, her text book, binder, folder, assignment pad, pocketbook, and spare books. 'That name sounds vaugely familiar' She thought.

"Edgar Allen Poe? Great poet. Read it before?" Michael asked.

"Yeah, third time I'm reading it. Wait, you've read it?"

Michael chuckled, rolling up his sleeves and exposing line after line of scars on his wrist. "'Have I read it,' she asks."

Michael nooded

Ha! "Nooded." Boy, that takes me back.

"Why?"

"It's just...never seen anyone around here who does. Most people think it's boring.

It IS boring. His prose is purpler than Hagrid's nipples.

What year are you in? Are you a senior?"

"No, I'm actually just a really tall junior." Michael answered, laughing a little. "Hey are you okay? Your face looks all red."

Raven now blushed slightly. "Hmm...oh yeah I'm fine."

Very awkward silence followed.

Goddamn, I can't make fun of this story if this story goes out of its way to make fun of itself for me...

"Hey wait a minute. You're a junior right?" Raven asked.

"Mm-hm." Michael answered.

"Then why aren't you in class?"

Because it's seven o'clock at night. Am I the only person here who keeps track of the time?!

"Oh right umm...yeah, about that...Wait, why aren't you in class?" Michael asked with an eye-brow raised.

"Well, it's just something happened and I needed to be alone."

She caught a glimpse of Warren Beatty as Clyde Barrow, and the interior of her panties suddenly sweltered.

"What happened?" He asked in a concerned voice.

Raven remained silent, trying not to dwell on the subject.

Michael thought for a moment then looked at her with a slight surprised experssion.

"What? What is it?" She asked looking at him in alarm.

"Your last name is Sabel right? Spelled S-A-B-E-L?"

"Yeah."

To my eternal chagrin.

"You were that woman's daughter in the newspaper. The one who was murdered." Michael said, suddenly understanding, Raven cringing at the word 'murder'.

Raven prefers to think of her as having gone to live on a farm where she'll be happy and have plenty of rabbits to chase.

"My friends were worried about me..." She mumbled.

Lookit that, more confirmation that Raven doesn't give a shit about her mother being graphically slaughtered. As if I didn't have reason enough to hate her character.

You know, maybe she's in shock and she'll have a breakdown at the end of the chapter where the weight of her mother's death finally sinks in. Nah, who am I kidding--even if I hadn't already read this, I'd still know better than to think that.

"Then why aren't you talking to them?"

"Because they invaded my privacy to do so. I mean, it's nice to know they cared, but still, I can't even believe that-" Raven said, for some reason everything spilling out.

Raven cursed her incontinence, and cursed herself once more when she realized she'd forgotten to wear her Depends.

She just needed someone to talk to, and Michael Null just happened to be that someone.

He's pretty, and therefore trustworthy.

"That they would do such a thing? That if they knew that you valued privacy the most then why would they dare do such a thing?" Michael answered for her.

"How did you...?" Raven trailed off.

Did you read the script too?

Hey. What's that? What's that over there? Is that the script?

"I just kind of understand that sort of thing."

"You're very nice to someone who you just met."

"Well, I think you're an interesting person."

Raven gave him a rare smile,

Ugh, waiter! I asked for my smile well-done, but this is rare!

and said, "Well since you're already skipping class, why don't we talk a bit."

"Are you sure don't just want to be alone?"

"I think talking to someone like you is just what I need."

I think their tongues will be too occupied with other matters to do any talking.

"So then he went into my stuff purposely! Even though he knew he shouldn't have! I probably over reacted a bit though." Raven was explaining.

"No, he was quite out of line doing that." Malchior…echm...I mean...Michael disagreed.

"MAI NAEM ISH KWEEN-UV-AZOTHUEASD AND I R KLEVR SUTTL RITER"

"I can't believe he even would do that though!"

"And that Garfield sounds like an absolute genius." Michael said sarcatically, rolling his eyes.

Meow~!

Because "sarcatically." Geddit? It's a pun.

Raven...giggled a bit, and spoke. "That's funny. You're funny."

If Raven's standards for humor are this low, then it's no wonder she fell for Garfield.

"Thanks, don't feel bad about overracting. I understand just what you're talking about."

Michael: I didn't really care when my mother died either.

"You do? No one I knew has ever understood me...they all just thought I was weird or creepy." Raven said.

"I don't think you're creepy."

"Then you haven't seen me for very long. According to most people, I'm creepy because I dress in black all the time, have all these secrets, and only talk to my closest friends, and even then most of the time I just kind of want to be alone."

Raven: Also, there was that time Tim Burton visited the school and I taped scissors to my fingers and begged for him to ravage my body.

"But you're friends must not think you're creepy."

"No they don't, but they just don't understand. And especially with my poems."

"You write poetry?"

"It's all dark, depressing sort of things."

Actually, it's all crappy, wangsty sort of things. Let's not mince words.

"I still wouldn't think you're creepy. Just because you write dark things doesn't make you creepy. It's true, you are dark, and darkness is just misunderstood."

Mike must really hate Kingdom Hearts. I mean, more than me.

"Sounds like a poem I wrote. I won a contest actually, it's published in some book. Can't remember the name though."

That fucking darkness poem from the second chapter? That got published?!

There is no god in Normal Teenage Life's universe. Except perhaps Zophar.

"The Celebration of Young Poets? I was in that as well, a couple of years ago."

Michael: I wrote The Wreck of the Hesperus.

"I knew I've read your name somewhere before. I've ordered that book for as long as I've heard of it."

So she's been a life-long subscriber to a poetry publication whose name she cannot recall.

Memory problems, perhaps? Hey, maybe that's why she doesn't remember her mom being murdered.

"It's quite good you know."

"Yeah, it's a pretty good book."

"I meant your poem."

"Oh...well...thanks..." Raven said, blushing slightly.

He's obviously buttering her up. It's a statistical impossibility for anybody to truly enjoy one of Raven's poems. She probably got her poem published by sleeping with the book's editor and then threatening to do it again if he didn't include it in the book.

"Are you new here, I've never seen you around here before."

"I've always been here. I guess we never noticed each other."

"I'm surprised. You're kinda hard to miss." Raven commented, and yawned a bit.

That's the author threatening to put Raven in a coma for the rest of the story if she points out any more plotholes.

Michael looked at his watch, and noticed the time. "It's late, almost cerfew either, you should get to bed."

"How do I know you'll still notice me tomorrow?" Raven said with a slight smile.

"I will."

"Promise?"

Micheal picked a rose from the garden where they were sitting, and handed it to Raven, "Promise." He said, also smiling, walking away.

'Chivalrous little boy isn't he?' Raven thought happily. 'And they say chivalry is dead.' Raven thought as she started to walk back to her dorm. Sorry, correct that, she wasn't walking on the ground, but walking on air.

Amateur. If she were hardcore, like me, she'd walk on sunshine.

"Umm...Rae?" Terra asked when she came in.

"Yeah...?" Raven said dreamily.

"Where have you been?" Cerfew was 10 minutes ago! Do you want get expelled? God knows how hard that Mandoza guy is." Bee exclaimed.

"I thought it was Mendoza." Kori asked.

Given what we've seen and what we know about him, I think it's actually "Womandoza."

"Who cares?" Terra commented.

"We're avoiding the subject. Where were you Raven? And...why are you so happy?" Bee asked noticing the dreamy look on Raven's face.

C'mon Bee, you attend a middle high school. Don't you know what someone who's stoned out of their gourd looks like?

"Nothing...Raven said happily, putting her stuff away. She went through her stuff, and took out a fake-snakeskin coverd notebook.

Fake-snakes are an endangered species! How dare you?!

"What's that?" Terra asked.

"A journal."

"How many of those do you have?" Terra asked again, looking bewildered.

"Let's see...1...2...3..." Raven said, taking each out from some hiding place in turn, the snakeskin one, a jean fabric one studded with silver paint, and a decorative, antique looking one, one with 60's flowers splashed on it, one marble notebook, and a navy colored one that had a dried, crumbling flower taped on to it. "About six or seven."

That is quite an anthology of terrible poetry.

That Sunday, around noon, Garfield went looking for Raven. He had seen Bee, Kori, and Terra this morning, but apparently, Raven had still been in her room.

When he had checked around, a few girls said they had seen her go out ages ago.

So, Garfield went looking all over for her. Considering it was quite a big campus, he had been searching for awhile.

He asked the Ewoks, the Na'Vi, he even went through the tree that led to Christmas Town and asked Santa Claus if he knew where she was. No luck.

Finally, he decided to check the gardens. He knew there were a couple of benches in there, and perhaps Raven was near one of them.

When he reached the gardens, he heard two voices, one of them, he recognized as Raven's, and the other was a smooth, male voice he didn't recognize.

Gar: James Earl Jones! You'll regret putting the moves on my bitch!

"Uhh...Raven...Raven is that you?" Garfield asked reluctantly.

Garfield heard some shuffling,

the rustling of clothing, a belt buckle clanking softly and a loud slurping noise,

and then he saw Raven appear, but she looked different from yesterday.

She'd shaven her head and carved a pentagram onto her brow.

She wasn't tearful or angry like she had been yesterday. In fact, she looked almost happy.

"Rae, I haven't seen you all day. Everyone's worried about you, cuz they think you're still in your room at like, noon. Is...is someone with you?" Garfield asked quickly, trying to see behind her but all he saw was an eyeful of flowers.



Good goddamn, that is terrifying.

"Why are you asking? You're just going to go into my private things and find out anyway." Raven said with a hint of bitterness in her voice.

I thought the whole point here was that you WANTED him to go into your private things, and that he hadn't yet.

"Oh c'mon Rae! You know I only-" Garfield stopped speaking because he realized Raven had started walking away. He quickly rushed up to her and grabbed her arm to keep her from going. "Rae..."

But Raven snatched her arm back, shot Garfield an angry look, and walked back to her place in the gardens.

"Don't mind him Michael, he won't bother us anymore." Garfield heard Raven saying.

"Michael? Who's Michael?" Garfield asked, to one in particular as he walked off.

Later that week, around Friday, Raven finally caught up with the group around lunch time. When she got their, the others stared quite a bit. Why you may ask? Well...it was Raven's attire that was not at all her normal type of clothing.

She was wearing a hot pink thong and star stickers over her nipples. Not a stitch more.

She was wearing...white. No, Raven has not worn white in the history that all her friends had known her. Navy, black, and dark purple. But white? And...light, light blue jeans. White sneakers too. Wait, since when did Raven own white sneakers? Well, now she did.

It had rained that morning. Her shoes would not be white for long.

"Hey Raven. Haven't seen you around lately." Dick said.

"Yeah that's cuz she hasn't been hanging with us for like, a week." Garfield complained.

A lynch mob just isn't a lynch mob without Grand Wizard Raven.

"Five days actually." Terra whispered.

"Whatever."

"I, uh, like your new look." Victor pointed out.

"Thanks." Raven said, still smiling.

Two years of going through the work of Dakari-King Joey Buttafuoco has given me a heady hatred of stories that needlessly steal elements or dialogue from other, better sources because they're too fucking uncreative to come up with their own plot details or lines.

"So uh, when are we gonna meet your new friend?" Dick asked.

"Yes! Garfield has told us all about him! We are eagar to know about the Michael Null who you have not noticed before but then on Friday you ran away from us and then you were sad and then you were coming back from the garden and then you crashed into him and then you talked to him and he likes the dark poetry of your preference and now you have been talking and "hanging out" with him and now you are talking to us finally!" Kori said, rushing up to Raven, talking very quickly.

Unfortunately, in all the excitement, Kori had completely forgotten about her asthma. As she fell gasping and choking for breath to the ground, the kids all thought to themselves about how great Raven was at breathing, and turned their attention back to the REAL issue at hand--what was wrong with Raven?

"Now how would Garfield know something like that?" Raven said with a glare.

"I was kinda umm...spying on you..."

"Garfield..." Raven started to lecture, but Michael walked up to her.

"So how are you doing?" Michael asked as he snaked his arm around her waist, which for :some: reason, only Garfield noticed.

Probably imagined it. Hell, he probably imagined that it was a literal snake that he wrapped around Raven too.

Garfield shot a glare towards Michael, but it went unnoticed.

"Fine, hey, I have to get something from the art building, wanna come with?" Raven asked him.

"Sure."

"See ya guys later!" Raven said with a happy wave as she and Michael left.

"I don't like that guy." Garfield commented.

Garfield: People with serpents for arms just generally freak me out.

"Why? He seemed nice." Terra commented.

"Yeah, and cute too." Kori said with a giggle.

"Didn't you notice how close he was? And how he just like slithered his arm around her-" Garfield started to go into...um...unnecessary detail.

Good call. Wrapping an arm around someone's waist is just too steamy to describe in a PG-13 story like this.

"We all know your jealous. We do not need to hear about how you can tell Rae's into the guy." Victor interrupted, cutting his little description short.

"Garfield, since when have you learned the word slithered?" Terra asked with an odd look.

"I DUNNO! BUT HE WAS LIKE FREAKN HANGING ON TO HER! DON'T TELL ME YOU DIDN'T NOTICE THAT!" Garfield exclaimed loudly, and people started to stare.

Garfield, chill! Your capslock is starting to act up again!

"Right umm...ignore me people! Ignore the loud vegan with the bad vocabulary!" He said, and the other people turned away.

This is exactly what high school is like.

"Deal with it." Bee said with a smirk.

:Cut to Raven Sabel and Michael Null sitting in the garden yet again, talking:

I should be angry at how terrible a transition that is, but hey, at least it's a transition.

"So, what kind of poetry are you interested in?" Raven asked.

"Well, many things actually, mostly dark sort of things." Michael responded.

"What else do you read?"

"I like to read a lot of fantasy, you know, like knights and dragons and such."

"DARK FANTASY WITH DARK KNIGHTS AND DARK DRAGONS. AND DARK SUCH. DARKNESS."

"What's your favorite?" Raven asked, but Michael didn't answer, and seemed to be staring at her. "What is it?" Raven asked, slightly alarmed.

"Nothing...it's just...you're quite pretty DARK you know."

"Me? You can't possibly be talking about me. Kori's the pretty one."

"Maybe by other people's standards, but I think you're beautiful THE DARKEST DARK QUEEN TO EVER DARKEN THE DARKNESS OF MY DARK DARKNESS DARK DARK DARKNESS DARK." Michael said truthfully, and Raven blushed. The two teens were pretty close, and if described by an onlooker, they would have said they were about to kiss, if it haden't been for Garfield.

And that stupid dog of his.

That is, he only ran after he saw the scene, and his face was all O.O...

Just when I think that there are no new lows to which this story can sink, it actually inserts a fucking emoticon into a dramatic sequence...

"RAAAVEN!" Garfield yelled running over to the two.

Raven quickly backed away, and gave Garfield a nasty look. "What?" She snapped.

"Something happened!"

"What is it?" Michael asked.

Garfield: A truck full of maple syrup just capsized down the street! We're all going to go and lick the asphalt! You coming?

"None of your buinesses Renissance dude." Garfield hissed with an icy glare, normally only given by Raven. Hey, ya learn from the best.

Let's get one thing straight here: Raven is not the best. At anything. Ever. Least of all glaring. You want to know who's the mack daddy of glaring?



Right here, baby.

"C'mon! You've gotta come with me!" Garfield said, grabbing her hand and dragging her with him towards the spot where her friends were.

Raven was once again able to snatch her hand away, but only after she was by her friends. "What is it?" She said with utmost annoyance.

"I daresay," Raven exclaimed, drawing a handkerchief from her bosom and dabbing herself with it, "this interruption has annoyed me to the utmost! Thy crack'd and chapped lips had best present an advocation for the rude and ill-timed wresting of my being, lest the Sheriff be alerted to your shenanigans with prejudice, post-haste!"

"Well..."

"Umm..."

"It's just..." Were the type of responses Raven got.

They're not hemming and hawing here. That's actually what they had to say.

"It's not what we want to tell you, it's what uhh...Kori's friend Samantha wants to tell you!" Victor said uneasily, pushing a strange girl into view.

Going by the definition of "strange," we got in the last chapter, I think it's safe to assume that this girl eats kittens and has Mein Kampf engraved on her back.

Raven eyed the girl, wondering a couple of things. Who was this Samantha and what was she doing here were the first couple of things that popped up. She also looked strangely familiar.

Samantha had tanned skin, and dark, almost black, wavy hair. Her eyes were the same. The color, smart asses, your eyes can't be wavy.

I admit, I chuckled a little. But one amusing line in eighteen chapters of terrible shit doesn't redeem a story.

She appeared Korean, but that was only a guess. No, wait, Raven remembered, she was Korean.

"Samantha" is a very common Korean name, after all.

Samantha had jeans with a long sleeved blue shirt. SHe had a camera case with her. Not one of those digital cameras that almost the whole school had, but a really good one, like that professionals used.

So a digital camera, then.

The camera is what got Raven. Then she remembered who she was. Samatha Levine, photographer for the newspaper. The real news of course, none of this gossip crap that Rita did.

Raven wasn't exactly friendy towards the girl, but she had seen Kori talking to her a bunch of times, and since she was Kori's friend, she never commented on her. Her only thought when she saw Kori talking to Samantha was, 'And they call me weird.'

Raven: Eeeeeeeeeew, she's a photographer. She must have cooties.

"Raven, right, you're hanging out with that Michael Null character right?" Samantha asked, peering at her.

"And why exactly do you care? It's none of your business as far as I'm concerned. And since when have you taken an interest in my personal affairs anyway?" Raven snapped.

"Listen to her Raven!" Terra exclaimed.

"You shouldn't hang out with him. He's a life-ruiner Cylon." Samantha blurted out.

Because why not?

Raven stood in shock for a couple of seconds, and then regained her composure. "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever of. You have no proof to that claim. How dare you say that?" She said in shock.

"No proof huh?" Samantha said, her short temper wearing thin, Kori noticed this, but Bee started talking.

Which only wore her temper even thinner, and Samantha cold-cocked Bee across the face. Being second only to Raven in the Jefferson Ku Klux Klan, she had fostered a palpable hatred of Bee, and her entire sub-human mongrel race.

"Do you remember the article in the Jefferson Weekly last month about Liz Escobar?" Bee said, while Kori tried to calm Samantha down.

No! Wanna know why?! Because the story never brought it up before now, that's why!

"What article?" Raven asked in confusion.

"The one where everyone thought Rita made up all that stuff about Liz, and how her family's falling apart, and how her brother's in jail?"

"Oh yeah, that. So? This hasn't nothing to do with Michael, who if you excuse me, I have to get back to."

Raven: That roofie ain't gonna last forever, y'know.

"No. Let me finish." Samantha said.

"You've got two minutes."

"That supposed bunch of lies was actually true, but no one knew. Rita got the information from a mysterious source-"

"Rorek." Speedy interrupted.

"Right. And that mysterious source was also Michael, who went out with Liz, just to get a story. He was the only one she told, aside from me, so it had to be him." Samantha explained.

Not necessarily. It could easily have been you. And maybe you're trying to take the heat off of yourself by framing Michael for your misdeeds.

If only this were a better story, we might get a plot twist like that. *sigh*

"You are not serious." Raven said in disbelief.

"I'm afraid she is." Garfield answered.

"I'll be back guys...I'll talk to you later." Raven said, and everyone could tell she was gonna yell at someone.

Probably Wilson, knowing this story.

She marched back over to Michael, who noticed the angry look on her face.

"What's wrong Raven?" Michael asked.

"Don't you know? Or does the name Liz Escobar not ring a bell?" Raven fumed.

"What are you talking about?"

Michael: When you sleep with as many bitches and hos as I do, you lose track of names easily.

"The others told me about your little ploy with Liz. So it was you who gave Rita all that information, huh?" Raven accused.

"What? That's ridiculous. True, I did date Liz, but I would never have given out her secrets."

Michael: Her measurements and nude photographs, certainly, but never her secrets!

"Really?"

"Yes, really Raven. Would you believe them, or me?" Michael asked seriously.

"So...you didn't?" Raven asked cautiously.

"No. Raven, but if you don't trust me, there's no way we can be together. You'll continue to feel alone, misunderstood by your friends. You...you don't want to be alone, do you?" Michael asked, touching Raven's cheek gently.

Raven's eyes brimmed with tears that were wiped away by Michael's fingers, which lingered on her face. "No..."

"Then you can't continue to listen to your friends. You have to listen to yourself Raven, and only you." Michael said softly.

I don't foresee any change in her behavior coming from this.

"I can't believe they would say that. Why would they lie to me like that?" Raven said in disbelief.

"Raven...maybe they just don't trust you to make the right decisions. They don't understand you. Not like I do." Raven gave him a slightly sad, relieved sort of look, and Michael kissed her softly on the lips. After the kiss, he smiled at her warmly. "I'll see you later." He said, walking away.

Raven nodded vaugely, smiling herself, waving slightly as he walked away. She shook her head, snapping to reality, and left the spot herself.

She had to go ponder how one nods "vaugely."

But then, Garfield came out from his hiding spot.

The fuck?!

"NOOOOO!" He exclaimed loudly, but the area was deserted so no one heard him.

Hell, I don't even care that that doesn't make sense; that is the single most unintentionally hilarious moment in any fanfic I have ever read. It literally is something out of My Immortal! When Draco jumped out from behind a wall, after Enoby explained to B'Loody Mary that Volxemort had told her to kill Vampire? Ah, that was a great scene. And it was adapted beautifully here! Hey, if you're gonna steal, then steal from the best--bravo, Normal Teenage Life!

"I still don't trust him." Garfield grumbled to the group later on. Raven was at the library, studying, Michael was no where to be seen.

"What did he do?" Terra asked.

"I can't even think about it."

"Try." Dick said.

Garfield looked like he was thinking, and then he started gagging and coughing.

Garfield has to concentrate hard on swallowing. If his mind wanders for even the barest of instants, death's cold and clammy hand clamps onto his shoulder.

"Dude! Yo, you okay?" Victor asked.

"Is he gonna throw up?" Bee asked with a horrified look.

"He- gag ...k-k-k-issed her." Garfield managed to choke out, but then promptly started gagging, the thought, and image disgusting him. :and me:

Nobody asked, thank you.

"No way." Terra said.

"You serious?" Speedy asked.

"He did not!" Kori said promptly.

"I think he did..." Dick trailed off.

"Then what's that Renissance dude doing with that gossip bitch stick?" Garfield asked, pointing to two people across the cafeteria.

It's Renaissance! Run your ass-tastic story through a fucking spell-check! This is why we can't have nice things!

"Hey you're right..." Speedy said, the group watching them.

"Who's the smallest?" Victor asked.

Probably Dick. I mean, it'd just be so deliciously ironic if--wait, that's not what you're asking, is it?

"Meee!" Terra said proudly, standing up, and waving her arm wildly, she stopped, and then looked confused. "Why?"

"Cuz you're gonna go spy."

"Cool!" Terra said, then she stood up and saluted Victor. "Yes sir! Reporting for duty sir!"

How can you write a character who's already grossly out of character even further out of the character you've established for her?

I seriously want an answer on that.

"Just go." Dick said.

Terra managed to sneak her way over to the two teens talking, and listened from under their table.

"So what did you hear?" Kori asked when Terra returned, and Terra re-told the entire incident.

...Wait, wouldn't it have made more sense to write Terra listening in on the conversation, and THEN have her relate it to her friends? No, of course not--silly me, I mistook this story for something besides a puddle of horse piss for a second.

Terra managed to sneak her way over to the two teens talking, and listened from under their table.

"So you managed to get the story, right Null?" Rita Vanderbilt asked Michael.

"Sure. Easy." Michael said in a tone unlike the smooth voice that Raven heard, but more harshly.

He's not James Earl Jones at all--he's Joan Rivers!

"Though I did have to kiss her."

"Oh gag me please."

"My thoughts exactly. So you have the article written up?"

"It'll be out tomorrow." Rita said with a smirk, holding up a draft of the 'article'. The two walked away snickering, leaving the paper on the table.

Michael: Hey, remember how we read in history class about the Confederate leaders leaving their battle plans wrapped around some cigars somewhere in a field?

Rita: Yeah. Why?

Michael: No reason.

Terra picked it up, and quickly ran back to her friends.

"Dude...lemme see!" Garfield said as he snatched it away from him. He quickly skimmed him, and was about to rip it, when Bee realized what he was doing.

"You are not gonna rip that up. We need the proof.

Tape and God don't exist in Normal Teenage Life.

See? It says Malchior aka Michael Null in the corner here." Bee said pointing to it.

"Right! I wasn't gonna do that!" Garfield said sheepishly.

"This is a typed copy you realize." Dick said, leaning against the wall, arms crossed.

"And?" Victor responded.

"It means they've got more copies."

More importantly, actually, it means that you can't prove your allegations beyond a shadow of a doubt. For all anybody knows, you wrote that yourselves and forged Michael's signature.

"So unless we can delete that file, by tomorrow, and convince Rae-" Terra started to say.

"Raven is doomed to social suicide!" Kori said in a horrified tone.

I would love this story forever if the big twist at the end turned out to be that Raven was already so unpopular that there was no possible way for her social standing to dip any further.

"Umm...Kori...?" Speedy asked questioningly.

"Yes Speedy?"

"Where did you learn 'social suicide'?"

"We give her too much free-range of our cable." Bee said, as if that explained everything.

"I don't wanna know." Speedy concluded.

That was beautifully irrelevant.

"Hey what happened to Garfield?" Terra asked.

"Raven." Kori answered.

"Raven! Raven c'mon where is she!" Garfield said, half talking to Raven and half talking to...himself.

"Garfield what are you doing here?" Raven answered, coming out of the study hall room. "I can hear you in study hall."

Does anybody ever do any school work at this boarding school?

Ever?!

"RAE! LOOK AT THIS!" Garfield said, thrusting the piece of paper at her. She quickly skimmed it, and gave it back.

"What is this crap?" She snapped. "What do you have against Michael? He's never done anything to you."

"Rae! He and Rita wrote this! It's gonna be in tomorrow's issue of the Jefferson Weekly!"

Why is this a problem?

It was mentioned earlier that the article about that Liz girl was dismissed pretty readily by the student body as being unsubstantiated rumor. So why would they have any reason to think differently of Raven's expose? This is a non-issue.

"That's ridiculous!" Raven said walking down the hall, with Garfield following her.

"Why would I make it up?"

"In some vauge attempt to convince me that Michael's evil."

As an addendum to my earlier anger regarding the failure to spell "Renaissance" correctly, IT'S SPELLED V-A-G-U-E. FOR CHRIST'S SAKE.

"But he is!"

"Just leave it be." Raven said, walking out of Garfield's range.

Garfield raised his sniper rifle and looked through the scope at the back of Raven's head. "My range...is limitless," he whispered hoarsly, and he squeezed the trigger.

"Rae..."

"If you're so right, then I guess I'll just have to learn the hard way!" Raven snapped, and walked away leaving a dejected Garfield.

Well, there you go then. It's her own damn fault. Anybody who feels sorry for her after that is a moron.

"But Rae! He's EVIL!" Bee insisted later that night, when the girls were all in their room.

"Yeah, didn't you hear Sam?" Terra insisted.

"I don't CARE! You guys don't get it!" Raven insisted, but not angrily so much as happily. He had kissed her.

Yeah, like, hours ago. Those are some damned potent endorphins.

"Then why do you hang out with him?" Kori asked.

"Because, he GETS me. You guys don't understand how AMAZING it is to have someone who doesn't think I'm creepy!

I guess she missed the part where they told her it was all an act. Notice how she isn't even bothering to argue against that point.

Seriously. If you feel sorry for Raven, you are a moron. She knows what she's getting into, and she just doesn't care.

And if you don't mind, I'd like to be able to sleep with that happy feeling."

Then why aren't you in his room? *rimshot*

"As long as your happy I guess." Bee shrugged.

"But dont' forget Raven," Terra started to say.

"He is EVIL!" Kori insisted.

Raven ignored them, and fell into a sleep with placid, happy dreams that she hadn't had since the first time she met Garfield.

Raven: Hey asshole, I saw your project this afternoon. Blew more ass than your mother on an all-night coke binge.

Garfield: Shut up, bitch! Why don't you go clear out the cobwebs from your vagina?

And lo, it was true love at first sight.

"Hey Rae! Are you gonna kill Speedy today?" A kid called out to her the next morning.

"Raven! Where's Dick? I'll tell him you said hi!" Yet another one yelled.

Raven: Thank you! I do enjoy working at the bowling alley!

"Okay, what's going on?" Raven asked to no one in particular. For some reason, her instinct was telling her to go ask her friends what was going on, and not Michael. And she did.

When she got to her friends for breakfast that morning, Speedy saw her and ran away.

Nothing unusual about that. I'd flee from this bitch too, if I could.

"Umm...what did I do?" Raven asked.

"Oh look, the creepy mystic's come to sit with us!" Garfield snapped, slamming down his tray as he got to the table.

Miss Cleo attends Jefferson Co-Ed?

When he said that, Victor poked him very hard.

"Retard!" He hissed in his ear.

"Uh...can someone tells me what's going on?"

Shame on you, Disembodied Voice. You're omniscient. You should be able to keep up better.

"Raven, do you know what today is?" Kori asked, obviously trying to hint at something.

It's not April 30th, is it? Goddammit, Rosemary, would you just leave me alone?!

"No."

"Thursday. And what is on Thursday?" Terra asked, frustrated at Raven not getting the hint.

30 Rock?

"The...Jefferson Weekly?" Raven said with a look that said, 'what's your point?' dud-ur-so-retarded.

"Rae, just go get the newspaper then talk to us." Bee said, giving up.

Raven shrugged,and walked off. She was getting a bunch of comments similar to those she had goetten earlier this morning.

None of the usual hooting and cat-calling that the other, more attractive women at school got.

She picked up, a newspaper, took a look at the headline, then dropped it shock.

Why, that's not the Jefferson Weekly--it's the latest edition of the Sonichu News Dash! Chock full of shocking stories and zappin' fun!

"WHAT THE FUCK?" She exclaimed. She picked up the paper to take a closer look at it.

HER LITTLE BLACK BOOK: Story of A Dark Girl's Luv Life

By Rita Z. Vanderbilt

Raven Roth, 17. Or as she prefers to be called, Raven Sabel. Has she even had a boyfriend yet? According to close sources, who prefer I acknowldage him as Malchior, told me the answer is no. Nor has she even gone out on a date!

"She HAS, however, racked up an impressively long string of one-night stands with approximately fifty-eight percent of the student body. Asking around, a common theme always presents itself: Raven is a cold fish in the sack, offering nothing and demanding everything."

But that isn't to say that little Miss Goth doesn't want one. Malchior has gotten hold of Raven's diary, and this should prove to be even more useful than Kori Anderson's, 17!



?

Like Kori's, this has what Miss Roth thinks of all her classmates, as well as a diary, and all her test grades! Seems that she needs to participate more in gym, and actually come to science class once in a while.

"Like they say, a healthy body, a healthy mind, and one look at Raven is all you need to see to know that she has nary a trace of either of those things! Sister, when you make Rosie O'Donnell look like Kate Moss, it's time to put the fork down and pick up the jumprope!"

Though she pretends to be all high-and-mighty, and she doesn't need any friends, she has some. My inside source has informed me that those closest to her are Kori Anderson, Dick Grayson 16, Victor Stone 16, Betty Klein 17, Tara Markov 17, Roy "Speedy" Harper 16, and Garfield Logan 17. Apparently, she thinks more, and less than just friends of some of those guys. Here's the inside scoop from her little black book:

Dick Grayson: All the girls like him, and he's best friends (yeah right) with Kori. Some of the girls think that Dick and I would make a perfect match.

"Apparently, angry and heated arguments have broken out over just this concept. I guess some people don't have anything better to do with their time."

Apparently, we're both all "mysterious and seclusive". I wouldn't exactly call Dick mysterious or secusive, but I guess that's because I know him better than most do. It does seem to be a decent pairing, but going out with Dick? Sure, he is kind of remotely good-looking,

Raven's standards are so ridiculously high that if Michelangelo's David came to life and propositioned her, she'd think him beneath her.

but Kori would probably murder me number one if I even mentioned it.

And trust me, death by urination is not a good way to go.

Hmm...seems as if our resident Goth has a crush on her best friend's boyfriend! How would Kori react if she found out?

Where'd you get that from? Woman, sensationalist media only works if you take what you're quoting out of context, or outright modify it to suit your own agenda! Simply reporting what it says and then drawing random conclusions from it doesn't work! Don't you watch Hannity?!

Now let's see what she thinks of Roy "Speedy" Harper.

Speedy: No wonder Terra goes out with him, they're so much alike! Annoying, infuriating, aggravating (though technically they are basically synonyms).

"Technically," nothing. Try sneaking a thesaurus in between Twilight and Poe.

Dick doesn't know it, but whenever they're not around he flirts with Kori all the time. He's a two-timing jerk and I can absolutely cannot stand him! If he weren't rooming with the boys I'd...well...I don't know what I'd do but I'd do something! I'm coming pretty close to doing something now!

Raven's sitting on the toilet as she writes this, fyi.

Seems like Raven has some explaining to do. I wonder what'll happen after they read this article? I suppose someone's going to find out!

Another interesting little tidbit is about Raven's grades. As we all know, Raven's mother was recently murdered.

"Wouldn't know it by looking at her, or talking to her though! It's been a week since her mother's death, so how's Raven coping with it? Pretty spiffily, my contact tells me, as in their first conversation, she downplayed her mother's murder and instead complained about far more mundane matters. One wonders if Raven even remembers that she had a mother to lose in the first place!"

But, what we don't know is how this may be affecting her grades. My inside source, Malchior, informs me that her grades are dropping rapidly. She apparently has increasingly dropping grades in science, orchestra gym class,

Orchestra Gym? Like playing softball with clarinets instead of bats?

Spanish, and Social Studies. As we all know, if one more than half total grades at the end of the year in all of your classes are failing, you are kicked out of the school.

That in mind, how our cast has made it this far into their schooling is beyond me. Especially considering how low their grades were just a few chapters ago.

Seems like little Ravie has more than boy trouble. We might soon be saying "adios" translate that Ravie to Ms. Goth!

(Editor's note: We regret to inform the reader that our dear Rita suffered a bout of aphasia midway through the writing of this article. The remainder is little more than incoherent word salad. If you can find some meaning in phrases like "Naughty jellyfish trundled potently across the mulberry bush," then more power to you, but otherwise, just go ahead and toss this thing.)

"Oh...my...god..." Raven said. She started running as fast as she could back towards the table where her friends were.

"So the mystic has finally figured out what was happening!" Garfield snapped again as she reappeared.

"Stop calling me that!" She exclaimed in a worried voice.

Just because she makes a good pizza doesn't mean she's from Connecticut, okay?!

How was absolutely everything going wrong at once!

Maybe God just hates her.

"Raven, I told you he was evil." Bee said, shaking her head.

"How do you know it was Michael?"

"Umm...Raven...?" Dick asked gentley.

"No Dick. I do not like you that way. Don't even think that way. Number two on my list was that I didn't even like you.

You ask me, that whole list was number two.

Don't even get that idea." Raven answered his question, even though it haden't been asked yet. Kori seeemed to relax a little after that comment.

"Just go ask him!" Terra said, running off. She went off looking for someone. Speedy, as they all assumed. But remember what happens when you assume.

I guess that's a little more subtle than "SHE IS A TRAITOR AND A LIAR THIEF BAGGINS THIEF."

Raven took a deep breath, and looked around the dining hall for Michael. She soon spotted him. At the same table as the resident "gossip bitch stick" at Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding school, Rita Z. Vanderbilt. The minute she spotted him, she quickly trotted over and slammed the paper down.

Let's play that game from a couple chapters back--Normal Teenage Life is the Worst-Written Story in the Multiverse.

So as has been established, Michael is very very handsome. Handsomest guy in school, apparently. Godly-looking, even. Raven goes so far as to point out how unlikely it is that she hasn't noticed him before.

Quite a bit of this group's activities involve staring at people they don't like, or groups they don't like. Rita happens to fit in both categories, even if we don't see or hear from her often. Now, Michael, he's run this little scam before, and he's apparently an integral part of Rita's running crew. At least they seem to get along with one another. I mean, they were eating lunch together just a little while ago in this chapter, so it's probably not a rare happening for the two of them to be seen together.

So the likelihood of Raven, or indeed anybody in her group, not noticing him, not knowing of him and not being aware that he's with a group that is ideologically opposed to theirs is really, really fucking low. You wouldn't even need to get a testimony from Samantha the Ambiguous Korean Chick; just point out to Raven that he associates with the well-known gossip columnist and let her connect the dots herself. And if she doesn't, or does and refuses to care, then that's her own fault. And she DID figure it out, and STILL didn't care, and said as much to the others. So we've determined three things:

1. This is one of the most contrived storylines that we've seen yet in Normal Teenage Life.

2. Raven is an idiot.

3. This story fucking sucks.

"Michael! Why are you hanging out with her?



Didn't you read what she wrote about me?" She exclaimed helplessly.

"Someone's a little slow on the uptake isn't she?" Michael said in a harsh voice.

"What do you mean?" She asked confusdedly

Oh come the fuck on! Nobody can possibly be this stupid!

"He gave me the information. Don't you get it Goth girl?" Rita snapped, taking a sip of some tea.

Knowing the way this story portrays people it doesn't like, s'probably made from the bones of orphans, or something.

"Michael...you didn't...?" She said softly in a hurt tone.

"Oh you're not going to cry are you?" Michael replied sarcastically. "I never liked you Raven. I merely did it to help Rita. Why would I date someone as pathetic as you anyway?"

Hell, I don't know man. There are some crazy shippers out there.

"But..." Raven said, and for the first time in her life, at a loss for words.

"I don't need you anymore. It's over. Deal with it." Michael said. "Go take a hike."

At least buy her breakfast, or something...

"C'mon Michael, I've got some work to do in the publishing room." Rita said, and they two got up and left, leaving Raven.

Raven's friends couldn't take it anymore. They were annoyed for her not believing them, but they couldn't take her heart being broken. All of them got up, except Garfield.

"It's her fault, let her deal with it." He snapped, annoyed at her for rejecting him like that.

So he's less annoyed by her blatant stupidity, and more annoyed that she ignored him.

If his parents weren't dead already, I'd suggest killing them off and see if he reacts anything like Raven.

"Garfield! She is your friend!" Kori scolded.

"Kori, let him be. He's gotta fix his own problem." Victor said,

Garfield was trying very very hard to hide his erection.

and the group was off to hunt down Michael!

Michael was waiting for Rita outside of the printing room, when he was approached by five girls. One had blackish-hazelish hair with silver and purple highlights, and hazel eyes. The other had brown hair with blonde highlights and brown eyes, wearing baggy clothes. The other three looked liked they didn't know the other two, but had banded together for some reason. One had light brown hair, dark brown eyes, and glasses (me, Queenie)s. Another one of the girls had very curly, slightly frizzy brownish hair, also with brown eyes, and she too had glasses. The last girl also had brown hair short and brown eyes, but she didn't have glasses.

Charlie must be really hard up for angels if this is the best that he can do.

"Hey, are you the guy who let all of Raven's secrets out?" The girl with the brown hair and blonde highlights, Jess asked, holding up the paper.

"Yeah, the one nicknamed Malchior?" The other girl, Haz, the one with the blackish-hazelish hair with silver and purple highlights asked.

"Depends who's asking." He said casually.

"We are." Ann, the girl with the brown, curly hair said

"For some cute chicks like you, sure, yeah I am." He said with a wink.

Michael likes 'em young. Training bra young.

"Pretty easy too. Getting all her secrets and everything."

"DIE MICHAEL!" The one without the glasses, Brittney, exclaimed, and Michael started running.

"KILL THE TRAITOR!" Queenie yelled, and the five girls ran after him.

Queenie's the one who made Michael expose all of Raven's secrets in the first place. Why aren't they attacking her?

"YOU CALLED THEM CUTE?" Rita exclaimed as he ran up to her, jabbering about the five "cute chicks". "YOU WERE GOING OUT WITH ME!" She said in a jealous rage.

But she didn't mind so much when he smooched Raven. This girl's characterization is all over the damn place...

Michael started running, with now six girls chasing after him. Just his luck, he ran into...wait for it...our main characters.

"Michael huh?" Dick said with a smirk.

"Somone's lookin for a little payback." Speedy said with a grin.

"Run." Victor said simply, punching one fist into his other hand.

And breaking both of them. "Owieeeee~" he moaned girlish

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 07:26 AM

[Al_Cone]

Part 2

*****

But Malchior had no where to run. It was a hallway with no doors, no classrooms, just two sides. One blocked by the main characters, the other blocked by the six vengeful girls.

If there are only two sides, then that means there aren't any walls, besides the ones blocked off by the self-inserts and the characters. So why doesn't he just make a break for open ground?!

Come to think of it, the layout of the place doesn't make any goddamn sense either. No classrooms and two walls at either end of the corridor? Was this hallway built as an exhibit for postmodern architecture? What possible function does this corridor serve? Who built this school?! You've got half of the campus located in a deciduous forest and an entire corridor with two walls and no classrooms that serves no readily apparent function!

God! This is a fucking logic bomb! You could show this to a genocidal robot, and its brain would malfunction from trying to make sense of it as it's written!

"Looks like someone's trapped." Bee said happily.

"Like a rat." Kori added.

All that was heard was a very large crash. And a lot of screams.

Shit, Terra broke her leg again!

Raven was once again in the gardens. It had only been a week, and already so much had gone wrong. She couldn't believe he did that. People change, she kept telling herself. But still, he didn't change. He had always been like that. She just didn't know.

Yes she did! Don't say that she didn't; I read the story, and it was established that she did know and she didn't care! Don't try to make her sympathetic when she has moved herself beyond sympathy!

She had let him in so easily, opened her heart to him, and she betrayed him. I'm such a silly girl, she kept telling herself.

Oh, and I guess her mom died, but really, how is that more important than her diary getting published?

"Stupid song..." She muttered. She had a song in her head that she just couldn't place it. The lyrics she knew, the title she knew. My Happy Ending. Now who was the singer? Oh yeah, Avril Lavinge. Why did she know an Avril Lavinge song? She didn't even want to know.

Cutting out the song lyrics, as per usual.

For someone who supposedly values privacy above everything else, she doesn't seem altogether torn up by her diary getting published. In fact, she was much more upset when her friends stole it and read it than she is now that Malchior lied to her to get close enough to her to steal her diary and then publish it for the entire school to read. And, just from an outsider's perspective, one of those sounds a little worse than the other.

"Just a foolish, silly girl who has dreams that will never happen!" She exclaimed loudly.

"Umm...Rae? I thought that you agreed with us that you would stop talking to yourself around other people." Garfield said gently.

After Raven's stint in the psyche ward, people started taking her mental health a little bit more seriously.

"What are you doing here? I wouldn't think that you'd like to talk to a "creepy mystic"?" Raven said bitterly. She had been quite bitter towards Garfield lately.

I don't know where "creepy mystic" is coming from. I don't recall it being anywhere in the article. Man, this is just like that "Terra killed her parents" thing...

"Rae, your my friend. I wouldn't leave you like this. What am I, evil or something?" Garfield answered sheepishly.

"Not funny you know. Do you really think that I'd be in the mood for jokes right now?"

It's either listen to bad jokes or sing bad renditions of even worse music. Pick your poison, Raven.

"Umm...no. Hey, I'm just trying to cheer you up."

"I am not in the mood for it now. You could not possibly understand how stupid I feel right now."

Of course he does; that's how Garfield feels at any given moment.

"You're not stupid."

"I'm failing science."

"So am I."

Think of the company you're keeping here, guys.

"I'm failing gym."

That has less to do with stupidity, and more to do with Raven's own horrible physical conditioning.

"Try not wearing jeans everyday!"

"I fell for Michael."

"That was a mistake."

"But I feel so stupid. I can't believe I thought he liked me. I was so naiive."

"That's what you get for hanging out with me and Kori."

The obvious lesson is "find better friends."

"You're not naiive." Raven said with an odd look.

"Okay, but still, C'MON RAE! Don't make me go all serious, tv-show-moral-ending on you!"

"But I was so stupid! I thought he liked me!"

"Rae-ae! Everyone makes mistakes! You think I haven't thought that people liked me before!"

We call that "naïveté." So...I guess you both are.

Now Raven gave him a suspicous look."Who?"

Raven: It had better not be Warren Beatty.

Garfield laughed nervously. "That's not the point."

"But I let him kiss me."

"Everyone makes mistakes Rae. Just let it go."

"What? And go back to being the 'creepy mystic'?"

Who says you can't keep the change in wardrobe and lighten the hell up? If there's anything to take away from this, that would seem to be it.

"Raeee..."

"Well I am the 'creepy mystic'."

"Raaae."

"Garfield."

"Raaae."

"Garfield."

"Raaae."

"Garfield."

"Raae."

Awkward silence followed.

"I'm sorry I called you creepy..." He said, slight monotone, slight actual meaning.

Wonderful, he's barely sincere too. Raven is a selfish moron, Garfield is a selfish moron--yeah, they're pretty much made for each other.

"It's not that easy to get over him."

"Why? He betrayed you and like, gave all your secrets out."

"So?

I can write and publish an entire dissertation on the subject of why Raven is an idiot, just going by what we've read in the last two chapters alone.

He still understood me. I thought I could talk to him about anything. I just...it's hard for people to really understand me. I thought that he was the one person who understood me. It's not easy to feel alone like that everyday. And now, it's like I'm still alone."

"Rae...Rae, you're not alone. We understand you." Garfield consoled. Raven gave him a skeptical dud-ur-so-retarded look. "Okay, so maybe we don't. But do you understand me?"

"No.

Raven: But then again, you only speak Afrikaans.

You're a boy. How could I understand that?" Raven scoffed.

"Exactly! I don't understand you and you don't understand me! That doesn't mean I can't listen!"

"Okay...?" Raven said, not really understanding.

Maybe you should break out the sock puppets, Gar; you don't seem to be making any progress here.

"Do I have to get all moral to the story to get you to understand this?"

"Probably, yes."

"Even if I don't get you, I can still listen. Just because we don't get each other doesn't mean we can't try."

"That sounds unfinished."

"Well you didn't let me finish!" Garfield exclaimed. "Honestly! Try to give a moral and uch! No one appreciates a good moral these days!"

Raven smiled. "Gar, no one ever appreciated a good moral."

Oh, so Raven's from Alabama.

"See! I made you smile! I still don't get you and I made you smile! Go Gar!"

"Gar...you are so weird." Raven said smiling, hopelessly.

"I know! Hey! I'm not weird." Garfield said, laughing sheepishly.

"Sure you aren't. You just keep thinking that!" Raven said.

I don't know how, but this is even more trite than that cliche shojo anime bullshit between Kori and Dick in that ski resort chapter.

"You better?"

"I guess."

"Then I'll be seein if I can get to class."

"Gar."

"Yeah."

"It's Saturday."

"Right...Saturday. I knew that!"

Garfield cursed himself for losing track of time. Traveling backwards from the future in an effort to keep Raven from committing suicide had disoriented him.

"Gar you're hopeless." Raven said as she to got up. "Thanks." She said with a smirk, and hugged him. She let go (much to Garfield's regret), and gave him a puzzled look.

"What is it?" Garfield asked.

"Where's everyone else?"

Garfield gave an evil grin at that. "Hunting."

Satan ain't gonna sacrifice animals to himself!

"Hunting...what exactly?"

"My favorite sport."

Man.

"Garfield Logan, you do not hunt." Raven stated, clearly confused.

"Yes, but for this particular species I make an exception."

"And what exactly is this?"

"A lying cheating, heart-breaking Michael, aka Malchior or Rorek, Null."

"I like the way you think Mr. Logan." Raven said happily.

I wonder what Mendoza will do when Michael goes back to his room brutally beaten and there are thirty witnesses saying that Raven's crew did it.

Probably nothing. What a terrible principal.

"Raven! Raven! Guess what we did!" Bee exclaimed as the group ran over to the two teens.

Bee: We went potty, all by ourselves! We still can't quite wipe properly though, so uh...care to help us out?

"Who are those...1...2...3...five?" Garfield asked trying to count them all, and pointing to the Haz, Jess, Ann, Brittney, and Queenie

"Five girls who are very good at beating someone up." Victor said laughing.

Please. They probably sat around and ate Cheetos while Suck Patrol here did all the heavy lifting.

"Yeah, why exactly did you beat him up?" Speedy asked.

"We wanted to. Besides. We're here on a mission to get someone else." Queenie answered.

"Who?" Terra asked.

"SPEEDY!" All five girls yelled, laughing, and Speedy ran away, with the girls following quickly.

They get distracted from their mission a little too easily, I think.

One of them, Brittney, stopped, and took out a walkie talkie.

"Objective achieved. Entry gained to school. TARGET CLOSING IN!" She exclaimed, as if in a spy movie, and then ran off.

"What did he do?" Bee asked laughing.

"I don't know. But it sure is funny." Terra answered.

Why are these people friends?

"You've been going out with him, for like, three months, and you find it funny that he's being chased by angry girls?"

"Well, yeah!" Terra said, as if anyone would.

Makes Hannibal Lecter look downright civilized...

"What...what happened to...you know...that person..." Raven asked slowly.

"Oh the so-called Malchior? I am not sure, but I think he shall be in "working condition" for quite awhile..." Kori said with an unnaturally evil smile on her face. No one betrays her friends.

"Wow. I really do have great friends." Raven said happily.

No! No, you don't! You all hate each other! What fucking story are you reading?!

"You just realized that?" Bee smirked.

Times like these, I wish there was a Sailor Says at the ends of these chapters...hey, now there's an idea.

STUPID CAST OF JERKS WITH BIG DUMB FACES SAYS:

Victor: Raven felt really bad after what happened today.

Kori: That's right Bee.

Victor: I'm Vict--

Kori: Shut up, Bee. Anyway, when you say mean or hurtful things to people, it can often make them feel sad. Especially when you spread nasty rumors.

Dick: None of it would have happened had Rita not had access to a printing press and paper.

Gar: Ten thousand square acres of forest are cleared every day for use in publications just like Rita's. Think of how many rumors would be stopped if we just stopped cutting down trees!

Terra: Trees are a good source of oxygen, which most scientists agree is very beneficial to human beings.

Speedy: And burning them releases large amounts of carbon monoxide, which can be used to asphyxiate someone.

Bee: I'm black! And I dress like a bumblebee!

Raven: So remember, when crossing the street, always wear a condom.

Sailor Moon: Sailor Moon says! *Giggle!*

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Nov 20 2010, 10:24 PM

[T_K_17]

Though she pretends to be all high-and-mighty, and she doesn't need any friends, she has some. My inside source has informed me that those closest to her are Kori Anderson, Dick Grayson 16

[Waffleman]

STOP WITH THE CONSTANT "JOKES" ABOUT NITPICKING LANGUAGE, GRAMMAR, AND COMMON SAYINGS, FUCKING STORY. IT'S NOT FUNNY, IT'S STUPID AND FEELS UNNATURAL.

This story's 'Spergers as fuck with those things. And this is coming from a guy with the 'Spergers.

[Al_Cone]

STOP WITH THE CONSTANT "JOKES" ABOUT NITPICKING LANGUAGE, GRAMMAR, AND COMMON SAYINGS, FUCKING STORY. IT'S NOT FUNNY, IT'S STUPID AND FEELS UNNATURAL.

This story's 'Spergers as fuck with those things. And this is coming from a guy with the 'Spergers.

I'm not sure what you're referring to.

[Waffleman]

I'm not sure what you're referring to.

Annoying, infuriating, aggravating (though technically they are basically synonyms).

"Yeah that's cuz she hasn't been hanging with us for like, a week." Garfield complained.

"Five days actually." Terra whispered.

"Whatever."

"No it's not! Weird is good, strange is bad, and odd is when you don't know whether to use weird or strange!"

"And why is that?"

"Cuz weird is the same as different, and different is the same as unique, and since everyone wants you to be unique it's a good thing!"

Among others.

This post has been edited by Waffleman: Nov 21 2010, 09:53 AM

[Mysty]

Wow I didn't even notice that. The fic is horribly written but comes off as a grammar/word meaning nazi. That is... HILARIOUS.

By the way, different isn't the same as unique. Unique means 'one of a kind'. You can be different and still be the same as a fuck-ton of people.

This post has been edited by Mysty: Nov 21 2010, 09:58 AM

[Lizard-Man]

The Sailor Moon part was hilarious. I shall now always wear a condom when crossing the street.

I really need to get back to work on my writing.

[TigerEyes]

This story...is the worst story I've ever read. Ever. Not really in terms of subject material, but the writing itself is just... Wow. The mock itself is still brilliant, and enhances the story's own sheer hilarity. This is one of the few fics that could be read by itself, and still be hilarious.

[xoxjoanxox]

The Sailor Moon Says part was worth reading all of this crap.

Terra: Trees are a good source of oxygen, which most scientists agree is very beneficial to human beings.

This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Nov 26 2010, 06:37 PM

[Al_Cone]

Something I noticed only after doing the mock:

The Jefferson Weekly gets published every Thursday, right? But at the end of the chapter, Raven says to Garfield that it's Saturday. So either she avoided Garfield successfully for two days straight, or this story is a fucking shitpile.

Also, take note of the fact that Garfield's characterization changes between his second to last and final appearance--before talking to Raven, he's bitter and pissy, rightfully saying that she deserves her misery because she brought it upon herself, knowingly, after being smacked in the face with every single warning sign there was. When he does talk to her, however, he's quiet and supportive and contrite (just barely).

Little things. LITTLE THINGS. Like keeping continuity straight, or characterization. Complete and abject failure.

[Waffleman]

Something I noticed only after doing the mock:

The Jefferson Weekly gets published every Thursday, right? But at the end of the chapter, Raven says to Garfield that it's Saturday. So either she avoided Garfield successfully for two days straight, or this story is a fucking shitpile.

Also, take note of the fact that Garfield's characterization changes between his second to last and final appearance--before talking to Raven, he's bitter and pissy, rightfully saying that she deserves her misery because she brought it upon herself, knowingly, after being smacked in the face with every single warning sign there was. When he does talk to her, however, he's quiet and supportive and contrite (just barely).

Little things. LITTLE THINGS. Like keeping continuity straight, or characterization. Complete and abject failure.

Al, you've been at this for months, you should know better than to expect continuity from Normal Teenage Life.

[shiroamasa]

This is madness.

[xoxjoanxox]

This is madness.

This. Is. Sparta! Normal Teenage Life!

This post has been edited by xoxjoanxox: Nov 28 2010, 08:02 AM

[Al_Cone]

*****

At 4:35 PM, Alejandro Mendoza stepped out of his office, vacated recently by multiple-count offender Slade Wilson, and locked the door behind him. He made a mental note to clear the room of the former principal's remaining effects (why on earth was that desk so badly scratched and soiled?), chuckling to himself as he realized that he would not be footing the bill, and sauntered confidently out of the building.

His first official day on the job as Jefferson's principal had gone swimmingly. A brief introduction to the student body, a break for lunch, an hour of reviewing faculty evaluations and student dossiers, followed by a marathon session of Minesweeper and a long, well-earned nap. It's the good life, Mendoza thought contentedly. Why anybody would give up a posh gig like this is beyond me.

Mendoza turned the corner at the auditorium, taking the path that lead to the parking lot. A droplet of water splashed against Mendoza's cheek, and he looked up, frowning. Thick, gray clouds were rapidly advancing on the pink-tinged sky. "Looks like rain," Mendoza muttered to himself. "I should have brought an umbrella."

"You should have brought a number of things," a rich, deep voice whispered smoothly behind him. A hand grabbed him between his left shoulder and neck, and squeezed hard on the muscle connecting the two. Mendoza stiffened; his cry of pain died in his throat, and he suffered the agony in silence. A sharp blow to the back of his knee kicked his leg out from under him, and the next thing he knew, someone's muscular forearm was clutched tightly around his neck. The pressure on his trachea was intense; he could just barely breathe.

"A bodyguard wouldn't have hurt," the attacker continued, his voice now raised to just above a whisper. "Or some basic awareness. Survival skills. Maybe a gun." Something hard and metallic pressed against his temple. "Any sort of self-defense technique would have come in handy just now. Maybe then, you wouldn't have found yourself in this precarious situation."

"W-who are you?!" Mendoza had just enough airflow to choke out this question.

The barrel of the gun dug harder against his temple. "One very perturbed high school principal," the attacker calmly replied.

Sweat gathered on Mendoza's brow. "Wilson?" he gasped.

"That's what they call me," said Wilson. "Among other things. Titles that I don't think I particularly deserve. I wonder what they'll call you?" Wilson's voice, until now smooth and lacking entirely in emotion, turned dangerously sour. "I, personally, refer to you as 'Umbrella's newest lapdog.'"

"What are you talking about?" whimpered Mendoza as tears welled in his eyes. "Please don't hurt me!"

"What's Wesker paying you?" Wilson asked, clutching tighter on Mendoza's throat. "And how did he slip by the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo?" The added pressure on Mendoza relaxed, replaced by yet another firm dig of the gun barrel. "I really don't have all evening. What I do have is the nastiest itch on my trigger finger."

"I don't...I don't..." A choked sob gurgled in Mendoza's throat, unable to escape from Wilson's vise grip. "Please let me go...!"

"Hold it right there!"

Wilson around around, dragging Mendoza with him. The principal let out a squeak as Wilson rearranged their bodies, his eyes bulging with relief and terror as he saw three police officers advancing with their weapons drawn. It was officers Jackson and Holiday, the two who had introduced Mendoza that afternoon and conducted the investigation into the jewelry store robbery, and a third, heavyset middle-aged man. Wilson removed the barrel from Mendoza's head and aimed the gun at the incoming cops, resting his tricep on Mendoza's shoulder.

"Slade Wilson, you are hereby bound by law," announced Officer Jackson. "Stand down and release the principal."

"Quite a little conspiracy you've got going on, Mendoza," Wilson mused. Even now, with the situation rapidly deteriorating, Wilson's tone was inappropriately calm. He sounded as though he were discussing economics over tea and biscuits, not engaged in a Mexican stand-off with three officers of the law. "Just how much control does Umbrella have at the local level? They've even got the cops under their thumb."

"We're authorized to kill, Mr. Wilson," Jackson announced. "You have fifteen seconds to comply."

"D-don't shoot!" gasped Mendoza. "Please!"

"One!" Jackson took a half-step forward. Tears streamed down Mendoza's face as he pleaded inarticulately for his life.

"Two!" Wilson's arm tightened again around Mendoza. The arm holding the gun steadied and the barrel drifted in the direction of Officer Holiday. Droplets of water splashed against Mendoza's head, and the low rumble of thunder could be heard from the distance.

Jackson began to say "three," but before he could spit it out, an object, small, black and roughly cylindrical, sailed onto the scene and landed between the belligerants. Wilson let out a triumphant whoop and shoved Mendoza away, covering his eye. The officers opened fire, though a moment later there was a flash of white light and an emormous popping sound which filled the entire area. Blind and deaf, the officers could do little more than shout and fire wildly, as all the while Mendoza lay cowering on the floor, sobbing gently.

All this occurred just as Dick Grayson was glancing dispiritedly out the window at the end of his French class. His eyes widened, big as saucers behind his black-tinted sunglasses, as a familiar face holding an antique-looking gun went sprinting into the trees. "Kori! Kori c'mon over here! Quick!"

*****

Slade Wilson had never felt so betrayed in his life.

Thrown to the wolves after twenty-five years of faithful service, left alone to fight a two-front war, public opinion against him and without a friend in the world to back him, he huddled, shivering, in his rain-soaked canvas tent in the middle of Jefferson's sprawling, adjacent forest.

And yet, he couldn't help but feel as though he should have seen it coming. To his knowledge, it had happened before--agents of the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo who outlived their usefulness were jettisoned without a second thought, replaced by more useful servants. Such agents had fallen out of favor with their masters, or else acted against their interests. But Wilson? He was loyal, and still useful to his superiors.

So when his entire personal profile was leaked--including detailed descriptions of the wetworks operations he'd undertaken during his career, in the service of the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo--by an "anonymous champion of the downtrodden" (rubbish, he knew; a cover used by Wesker to remove a lingering thread of resistance)--he had believed, that he would be protected. That the people he had given his life to would not abandon him so readily for the sake of saving face.

Instead, he was freezing his ass off in the middle of a thunderstorm. No space heater, no food, and a very limited stockpile of ammunition. Not even a bar of soap, he thought bitterly. And Lord knows I could use one right about now.

He glanced at his wristwatch--just after five PM. Still relatively early. He sighed to himself, sprawling out on the tarp. How long had it been since he'd had a full night's sleep? He couldn't recall. Evidently, sometime before the trip to Chicago. Before he'd met the pitchman. Before he'd discovered the horror behind Wesker's experiments.

Wilson could already feel sleep taking a hold of him. He didn't resist. A little time away from his worries would do him good.

The nightmares were worth it.

******

The sound of a scuffle outside dragged Wilson awake again. Groggily, he glanced again at his watch; scarcely an hour had passed. He felt refreshed nonetheless, if reluctant to get up and face the world again.

"Come on. Shake it off," he told himself, rolling onto his belly and pushing off of the ground. There were any number of things outside that could have awoken him--he was, after all, camped out in the middle of the forest. But something festered in the pit of his stomach, a sour feeling of foreboding that he couldn't quench. Circumstances being what they were, and with every instinct in his being insisting that this was anything but the mundane, he decided not to let the incident pass uninvestigated.

Wilson's AR-15 lay on the tarp beside his bedroll. He took it by the carrying handle and held it like a briefcase as he moved towards the tent's opening. Unzipping it, he slowly raised the weapon to eye level, aligned his gunsights and poked the barrel outside of the tent, his other hand closing around the grenade launcher's grip.

It had darkened considerably since Wilson took his rest, and he could just barely see. The rain, now hammering in earnest against the ground, would have made it impossible for anybody to see anything clearly. But Wilson's eyesight had been honed through decades of combat experience, and he could see with one eye what most couldn't see with two. He scanned the clearning where he had made his camp for any sign of the struggle that had awoken him.

A figure, shrouded in the darkness but visible enough to be identified as human, was lying on his back, propped up on his elbows. Towering over him was another shape that Wilson could only identify as serpentine. The second shape was emitting a low, otherworldly rumble as it reared over the first.

Wilson climbed out of the tent and was soaked to the bone by the rain within moments. Ignoring it, he pointed his weapon up into the air and fired a single shot.

The second shape jerked abruptly, its head twisting away from its prey to regard Wilson. The rumble petered out, replaced by a hideous, rapidly-rising breathy hiss. A pair of glowing yellow orbs sparked into existence, and Wilson had the unsettling realization that these were the creature's eyes.

A sudden flash of lightning struck one of the trees, and it burst aflame. Through the light of this single radiant candle, Wilson could clearly see the beast that had intruded upon his camp. Its body coiled on the ground like a massive snake, with a pair of spindly arms that ended in a scythe-like forearm that was at least the length of one of Wilson's own arms--twice the thickness too. Its head was at least fifty percent jaw, which was lined with dozens of teeth, each pointed at the tip. The bottom jaw split at the middle into two segments, both dripping with saliva. On the back of its head was a large, fan-shaped crest the size of a man's torso.

The creature he beheld was a genetic monstrosity, a perversion of a gentle beast long since consumed by an otherworldly fire. A child of the second-born of the gods, a true affront to the sanctity of the universe.

A Zerg Hydralisk.

"So this is what Wesker's been working on, Wilson mused.

The Hydralisk moved with a quickness that put even the most agile of cats to shame, abandoning its earlier target and rapidly gliding across the ground towards Wilson. Rising to the challenge, Wilson dropped his AR-15's barrel down to face the Hydralisk's charging head and squeezed hard on the trigger to the grenade launcher. The round struck the Hydralisk between his two bottom jaws and exploded, sending chunks of superheated flesh in all directions. Its headless body slumped to the ground, arms and tail twitching involuntarily for a moment before stilling completely. A red haze of vaporized blood hung over the corpse, between its killer and its rescued victim.

Wilson had never felt so pleased with himself as he did at that moment.

The light in the clearing was dying down now, and Wilson became aware that nature was dousing the impromptu candle as quickly as it had lit it. Recalling that the Hydralisk had been chasing somebody, he hurried to the newcomer's side and set his rifle down, kneeling beside the victim. "Are you alright?" he asked, reaching to take him by the shoulder.

The victim turned his head to Wilson, whose heart jolted ever-so-slightly. It was the Grayson boy, Richard, the one he had clashed with before. Low grades, bad citizenship and a knack for starting fights, but as skilled a soccar player as he had ever seen. What he was doing in the middle of the forest during a thunderstorm was quite beyond Wilson's comprehension.

"Dick?" he asked. "Dick Grayson? What are you doing out here?"

Through the quickly-dimming light, Wilson could see several emotions register across Dick's face. Horror, followed by disgust, which in turn gave way to unadulterated rage. "Wilson!" he yelled. "Wilson! It's you! It's Wilson!"

"You don't need to yell quite so loudly, son," said Wilson reassuringly. "I'm right here."

"Yes!" shouted Dick, wrenching his shoulder away. "You're here! You're there! You're here! Wilson! It's you! Wilson! I knew it! I knew you weren't gone! I knew you never left!" He scampered to his feet and quickly fled the way he came, sloshing loudly in the mud as he ran.

"Wait!" Wilson called, climbing to his feet and grabbing his rifle. "Dick! There could be more of those things in the forest!"

"Wilson!" Dick was screaming as he sprinted through the trees. "I saw Wilson!"

With a heavy sigh of disgust, Wilson pressed his hand to his forehead. "Fucking selective memory," he growled to himself. Rock-stupid as the boy was, he would undoubtedly come into contact with more of Wesker's Zerg, and might not be fortunate enough another such encounter. Doubtlessly, he would die unless someone were there to rescue him again, as Wilson had just then.

A principal's job is a thankless one, thought Wilson gloomily as he took off after Dick.

And his work is never finished.

******

The familiar lights of Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School at night broke through the tree line as Wilson, panting, sweating and drenched in rain, paused to rest against an old, knothole-covered stump. Fifty-one years is far too old to be doing this crap, he thought wryly. Looking down at his AR-15, he added silently Maybe if I had a lighter weapon.

Dick had passed out of his sight after some time. He didn't come across any mangled remains, and he didn't see any Zerg after the encounter with the Hydralisk, so he had a feeling that he'd made it back to school safe. Still, it would be prudent to check and be certain.

Sighing, he once again reluctantly wrested himself away from his well-earned rest and trudged through the break in the trees towards his old school. The dormitories wouldn't be far, just past the lunch room, which he could see easily from where he was standing. He'd sneak on campus, peek through a window to make sure the kid was safe and sound, then turn around and head into the forest.

No, he corrected himself. Not the forest. Too dangerous to stay there from now on. Who knows how many Zerg have infested that place?

But if not the forest, then where else, he wondered. He was a wanted man whose face was plastered across every regional media outlet there was, which made going incognito little more than a pipe dream. The sheer density of Jefferson's forest offered some shelter and a chance at making a base camp, but Wesker would seem to have beaten him to the punch, if that lone Zerg were any indicator. Ocelot was probably in Cambodia by now, and the La-Li-Lu-Le-Lo had made it clear that they no longer wanted anything to do with him.

"I'm very much alone," said Wilson to himself. He rested beside a lone, abandoned lamppost in the clearning. Its light had gone out long ago, and nobody had ever troubled themselves replacing it. Through the windows of the dining hall he could see the children enjoying their evening meals. Warm and safe and dry, sheltered from the elements, wanting for nothing, yet at the same time demanding everything.

They were rude, they were arrogant, they were materialistic and snobby. Judgmental, malicious, rebellious shits who believed the world revolved around them and them alone, to hell with anybody else. Blaming Wilson for everything while taking advantage of the safe, secure environment that he had provided them with. For his part, Wilson had every right to abandon them to the Zerg, and to whatever fate Wesker had planned for them.

But looking at them now, laughing and eating, swapping stories and venting, living their young lives without a care in the world, he knew in his heart that this was something he could never do.

The cold air bit at every rain-soaked part of his body, but there was a warmth inside his chest that sustained him, warding off the night. In the distance, a helicopter rotor churned, almost lost among the sound of rain splashing on the ground.

"I don't think it's fair that you dislike me so," he said to his students. He felt embarrassed, talking out loud to people who couldn't hear him, didn't even know he was there. "If you took a moment to look objectively at your lives, and at the environment you're in, I think you'd appreciate me a bit more."

"But you're kids. Teenagers. Nothing about your beings is objective." He took a deep breath, smiling to himself. "I was a teenager once too, you know. I said some thoughtless things, made some stupid decisions. Looking back, it's so easy to see how wrong I was, but back then, I was so sure of myself. I always knew that I was right, and that was enough for me. So you see? We can relate a little after all."

"This is a time of uncertainty for you, a time of growing pains and inner turmoil. I understand that. It's not my job to be your parent, though. It's my job to give you what you need, even when that isn't necessarily what you would prefer. I know it irritates you sometimes. And I encourage that." His smile receded a little as nostalgia gave way to sorrow. "I let you turn your hate on me so that you wouldn't turn it on yourselves. Or on one another."

"You'll never know the sacrifices I made to make this school my priority. You'll never know the pains I took to keep you all comfortable and safe. This school is my life. And you, children, you are my reason for living."

A group of students came down the walkway leading towards the cafeteria. He recognized them as Dick's running crew, and Dick was among them. Wilson's smile broadened, sadness replaced once again by contentment. "And I will never abandon you. This is the oath I swear to you: I will fight to protect you all to my very last breath. I will give my life to save any single one of you."

One by one, Dick's friends swiveled their heads to look at Wilson. And he looked back at them.

The roar of the helicopter's rotors was above him now. A white spotlight shone down on him as the rotors kicked up a swirling gale. "Slade Wilson!" boomed a voice over a megaphone. "You are under arrest! Drop your weapon and stand down immediately! You have fifteen seconds to comply!"

Wilson shut his eye. He knelt to the ground, placed his AR-15 beside him and put his hands behind his head, smiling all the while. The helicopter ascended as two uniformed police officers moved quickly to his side. Dimly, he was aware that one of them was reading him Miranda rights, but he was unconcerned with that.

He was wondering which federal prison he'd be incarcerated in. How easy it would be to gain the favor of his fellow inmates. And, while it may have been thinking a bit too far ahead, he was wondering how simple it would be to incite a riot.

After all, he thought to himself with a smile. It's not as though they'll let me just walk out the front door.

*****

Beneath an umbrella outside of the dining area, Revolver Ocelot watched as federal marshals brought Slade Wilson to justice.

He mused on the irony--having been the hand to drive the dagger into many a person's back in the past, watching someone besides himself turn on an ally had an unusual flavor about it. He felt no guilt for this inaction; he'd tried to save Slade before. The flashbang he'd thrown during the earlier altercation with the police gave him ample time to get out of dodge and regroup. Why he didn't walk through the door that had been opened for him, Ocelot couldn't understand.

It wasn't his problem anymore though. Slade would find a way out of the situation. He typically did. And Ocelot? He had other matters to worry about now.

His cell phone rang, and Ocelot answered it. "Yes, Mr. President, I did hear. Congratulations, by the way. The staged assassination went off without a hitch."

Wilson was being led away now. The man on the other end of the phone chattered something self-praising and effusive. Ocelot couldn't care less. "If he'd known, I doubt he'd have gone along with the election, Mr. President. Either way, it doesn't matter now. Find yourself a VP and stay out of trouble for a while."

He was gone now. Ocelot sighed as the former Vice President, newly sworn-in, continued to badger him. "No, I'm done here. I'll return to FOXHOUND HQ and continue to monitor their activities. Liquid's stepping up preparation for the revolt. He's meeting with Sergei Gurlukovitch within the week, and we'll see how that goes."

The President began to speak again, but Ocelot cut him off. "I have a matter to take care of before I leave, sir. We'll speak very soon. Good-bye, Solidus." He shut the phone and returned it to his pocket, looking out again at the clearing where Wilson had been taken away.

"It's in your hands now, Slade," he murmured. "I'd hate to be in Wesker's shoes right now."

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 28 2011, 12:18 PM

[Waffleman]

At first I was like "Shit, another chapter."

But then I saw it was the good type of chapter.

Where are you going with this, Al?

[Al_Cone]

At first I was like "Shit, another chapter."

But then I saw it was the good type of chapter.

Where are you going with this, Al?

Somewhere wonderful, Jazzymene.

[Max-Vader]

Fuck yeah, Zerg! This is awesome!

...

"I don't think it's fair that you dislike me so," he said to his students. He felt embarrassed, talking out loud to people who couldn't hear him, didn't even know he was there. "If you took a moment to look objectively at your lives, and at the environment you're in, I think you'd appreciate me a bit more."

"But you're kids. Teenagers. Nothing about your beings is objective." He took a deep breath, smiling to himself. "I was a teenager once too, you know. I said some thoughtless things, made some stupid decisions. Looking back, it's so easy to see how wrong I was, but back then, I was so sure of myself. I always knew that I was right, and that was enough for me. So you see? We can relate a little after all."

"This is a time of uncertainty for you, a time of growing pains and inner turmoil. I understand that. It's not my job to be your parent, though. It's my job to give you what you need, even when that isn't necessarily what you would prefer. I know it irritates you sometimes. And I encourage that." His smile receded a little as nostalgia gave way to sorrow. "I let you turn your hate on me so that you wouldn't turn it on yourselves. Or on one another."

"You'll never know the sacrifices I made to make this school my priority. You'll never know the pains I took to keep you all comfortable and safe. This school is my life. And you, children, you are my reason for living."

A group of students came down the walkway leading towards the cafeteria. He recognized them as Dick's running crew, and Dick was among them. Wilson's smile broadened, sadness replaced once again by contentment. "And I will never abandon you. This is the oath I swear to you: I will fight to protect you all to my very last breath. I will give my life to save any single one of you."

[xoxjoanxox]

I-I actually cried a little for Wilson . . .

God damn it, you should be writing stories instead of wasting your precious time on these crappy fan-fictions.

[Al_Cone]

In my brief time stepping away from Normal Teenage Life, I've learned two things: One, that even something so despicable as hamsters fucking in anatomically-impossible ways is more entertaining a read than Normal Teenage Life, and two, this story bores me completely.

I mean, have you ever noticed how every single dialogue between any of the characters is exactly the same as every other one? This story is just an endless series of recycled lines and interactions. It's really bad dialogue, but it's still the same bland dialogue over and over again, and it's really difficult to make that shit funny. I might find myself taking another lengthy pause in writing this mock, but don't worry, I'm still well ahead of schedule, if I use SMLoZ as a reference. Also, the epilogue to Mating Season should be up before too long.

******

Chapter 19: Chaos That Can Only Be Caused By Cupid

Original Japanese Title: "Jihad Against the Color Pink! Will Dick and Kori Find Each Other?"

"Umm...Kori, what's with all the...pink...accessories...binder...pencils...You know what, what's with all the pink stuff" Raven said, trying not to groan one February morning. "And where did you get it all"

It's called Breast Cancer Awareness, Raven. Just because you don't have tits to worry about doesn't mean that nobody does.

"I purchased it at the Office Max in town last weekend." Kori answered.

"...Why..."

"Tis the week leading up to Valentine's Day" Kori said happily.

"Oh yeah...right...Joy." Raven commented sarcastically.

"Valentine's Day. Super." Bee said, also with sarcasm.

They use sarcasm to mask their deep, inner hurting that nobody will give them tiny, chalk-flavored candies that say "U DRIVE ME CRAZY" in red.

"I'm going to have to agree with the bumblebee on this one." Victor agreed. "It's a stupid holiday."

"Hey! I thought you said you'd stop calling me that" Bee exclaimed.

Thank you, Normal Teenage Life; I'd almost forgotten that Bee dresses like a bumblebee after you went more than three chapters without bludgeoning me over the head with that fact.

"Kidding! Kidding" He said, laughing a little.

"It is not a stupid holiday! It is" Kori started to protest.

"It is a stupid holiday, in which people get bad ideas, and gives others hopes that'll never come." Raven interrupted, almost in montone.

"Well someone's a little negative about romance." Garfield replied.

For someone who longs so badly for the sweet embrace of cock, Raven sure is caustic towards the notion of being romantically involved with another human being.

"Just like Disney movies" Terra added to Raven's comment.

"Okay then...but still, Kori, is that what you're so...overly perk-happy about" Bee said, but the whole table was staring at Terra because of her comment.

"DISNEY MOVIES" Speedy exclaimed.

"Yeah, how do you come up with DISNEY MOVIES" Victor asked.

DISNEY MOVIES are now God, and must be referred to in ALL CAPS, lest we anger Walt Disney's vengeful soul and bring about a thousand years of darkness.

But Terra didn't get to answer, as Kori continued speaking.

"Yes. I am quite happy about Valentine's Day, but also about this!" Kori exclaimed, thrusting a piece of paper at the group.

Kori: It's my fake I.D.! Now I can get shit-faced and wake up next to hideous, foul-smelling strangers in beds caked with my own vomit and other excretions, and the pigs won't be able to do anything about it!

Terra managed to get a hold of it first, and read it. Her eyes widened. "Damn..." She muttered.

"Read it outloud Terra." Raven insisted.

And Terra did. "It says, :insert poem:"

It's a poem about a man who wants to insert various things into Kori. Oddly enough, a penis is not one of those things.

"Someone has a death wish..." Garfield said in a singsong voice.

"Suicide. Pure suicide." Victor added.

"Okay, I get how Kori's excited, but how is it suicide, and who wants it" Bee asked.

"Whoever wrote it has a death wish." Speedy answered.

I have the disturbing feeling that they're reading and laughing over somebody's suicide note. The sad part is that this behavior is completely in character for them.

"And why is that" Kori asked in a confused tone.

"Kori, have you shown your friend Samantha that note" Raven asked, looking up from her book, which had a cover on it that said"TALES OF HORROR".

Based on a DISNEY MOVIE.

"No! I actually have not" Kori answered.

"How about you go show them"

"That is a good idea" Kori said as she went off to another table to talk to Samantha.

"Now will someone PLEASE exlpain why it's suicide" Bee asked.

"Take a wild guess." Victor said, glancing briefly at Dick.

"Yeah...uh...dude...did you hear Terra" Garfield asked.

"Yeah, I did." Dick answered.

Dick does not concern himself with DISNEY MOVIES.

"And you're not doing anything about it why" Bee questioned.

"Why does it concern me if Kori's getting love notes"

"Because you normally go all crazy when someone flirts with her." Speedy answered, as if it was obvious. And it was.

Once, someone asked Kori if she knew the bus schedule for that day, and when he went home, he found his family's dismembered remains scattered across his lawn and the words "STAY AWAY FROM MY GIRL" painted in their blood on the porch.

Dick shrugged in reply.

"Dude...something is seriously wrong." Garfield commented, shaking his head.

"Maybe it's the snow" Bee suggested.

"Bee." Victor said.

"What"

"We're in southern California. There is no snow." Victor answered with a snort of laughter.

Dude, you have a deciduous forest for a school in southern California; all fucking bets are off on what is and isn't there.

"Right...I forgot." Bee said disappointedly

So Raven is a life-long subscriber to a poetry publication whose name she cannot recall, and Bee fails to notice that it's not snowing despite living in California and very possibly standing next to a window with a full view of a cloudless, sunny SoCal day.

"I miss the snow..." She muttered.

"Can't miss something if you've never had it."

"I'm not saying anything to that."

"You are not saying anything to what" The perky voice of Kori asked as she sat back down at the table.

"Nothing Kori." Raven answered.

"Victor...what happened to Spanish on your scheduale" Bee asked, peering at his binder, which had his scheduale taped on to it. "Why are you taking Russian"

He's a Red! Someone call the HUAC!

"I'm takin Russian too" Speedy commented.

"WHY" Garfield exclaimed.

So that he can watch DISNEY MOVIES in other languages?

"Terra made me and Speedy take it." Victor groaned.

"And she bribed twelve other kids too." Speedy added.

She used the money collected from her parents' life insurance. Sure is convenient that they took out that policy on themselves so soon before their untimely demise...

"Who" Raven asked curiously.

"Hmm..." Victor said thinking hard. "Let's see...those new kids Josh Richaron and Brittney Williams. Some of those girls who attacked Speedy."

Ugh, Brittney. I fokkin h8 dat fukin bich.

Speedy (who was twitching slightly) interrupted. "No, they came willingly."

And excessively.

"That's seven. What about the other five" Dick asked, finally speaking up.

Dick! That knowledge is strictly forbidden! We're programmed not to think about it! THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT OF HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE~

"Let's see, there was Josh Ranell, David Hesrek, Raphael Coquerar, Adam Crete, and some other kid." Victor answered.

Information that is neither relevant nor vital to the story, here presented, unabridged, for your reading pleasure.

"Some other new girl, Madison Raye or something." Speedy answered.

"But why is Terra learning Russian? I thought that she was content learning Spanish" Kori asked.

"I dunno. Ask Terra." Victor shrugged.

"Terra...Terra..." Raven said.

"TERRA LISTEN TO ME YA'LL" Victor exclaimed.

Would she turn down the volume on her DISNEY MOVIE?

"Hmm...? What...? What's going on" Terra asked, turning to face the group, slightly dazed.

Raven rolled her eyes. "The two male idiots taking Russian don't know why they're taking it."

"What were you staring at anyway" Dick asked.

"Perhaps Terra was admiring the new student who is called Josh Richaron" Kori suggested.

Well if his name is any indicator, he's a Decepticon, so it figures that he'd draw a couple of stares.

"The dude with the scar across his right eye" Garfield asked.

"Mm-hm..." Terra said dreamily.

"Hellooooo, Terra! Perfectly handsome boyfriend over here" Speedy exclaimed in an annoyed voice.

"What, I'm not allowed to look at other guys" Terra snapped in an annoyed voice.

Honey, you're in middle school right now. You're not allowed to breathe the same air as other guys without your boyfriend going off to brood and write in his suicide journal.

"I thought he was going out with Brittney Williams" Bee asked.

"Actually no, they broke up yesterday." Rita said, sitting down at their table.

That would explain the scar...

"What are you doing here" Dick said shooting daggers at her. Raven, Kori, Bee, and Victor did the same.

"What, I'm not allowed to sit here" Rita replied with an...innocent look.

"To put it flatly" Bee started.

Flat. Geddit? Like Terra's chest. Because she's a traitor.

I hate when I have to do this story's work for it.

"No." Raven interrupted.

"Hmph" Rita scoffed, nose in the air. "I know when I'm not wanted.

Apparently not, since you had to be told that you weren't wanted. I swear, Rita Vanderbilt is the most lazily written character ever. The story just has no idea what to do with her at any given time. It's almost as if that interlude was written entirely to remind us that she exists.

"Good. Then leave." Garfield advised, and in reply Rita walked away.

"See...? He's not taken." Terra said, still with a dreamy look on her face.

"Terra, since you obviously don't seem to get this, let me explain this. You have a boyfriend." Raven said curtly.

"So? He's still hot." Terra replied.

"Hot? Wow...someone needs to get out more." Bee said with a snort of laughter.

Terra's standards of beauty are more lax than Mendoza's disciplining.

"Oh so what, do you want to date him now" Speedy hissed, very annoyed right now.

"Maybe..." Terra replied dreamily.

"THEN WHY ARE YOU GOING OUT WITH ME" Speedy exclaimed.

Because you're the only two unpaired heterosexual partners in the story left? I mean, it's completely out of the question for you to NOT be dating each other! Starfire and Robin are the canon couple, Beast Boy and Raven are the beta couple, Bee and Cyborg are both black and therefore destined for love--that only leaves the two of you. Just accept it, okay?

"I dunno." Terra said thoughtfully.

"You know what! I don't even want to"

"What go out with me anymore? Oh, I'm so heartbroken" Terra said, with a mock death, and got back up and sat down.

And then got tired and slept.

"Anorexic bitch stick."

"Bad haircut asshole track dropout."

Bloody fucking Snape fucking murders fucking bloody faggot fat lady cumming faggot cunt shit jerking off cum bloody black half-blood cunt bulging butt fudge flaming gay explosion poo bosom gag hardon warts jerking his tit sperm buttock farty golden shower ballsack beat it ugly little butt pirate tight behind farting poo spurted pulsating slightly damp, moldy, smelling bush CONSTIPATION SENSATION Dumbledore jerking off uncontrollably in a pool of his own blood.

"I DO NOT HAVE BAD HAIR"

"YES YOU DO! AND YOU'RE TOO OBSESSED OVER IT"

"NO I'M NOT"

"YES YOU ARE"

Not even the most trite and badly-written DISNEY MOVIE would resort to tired back-and-forth gags ad nauseum throughout itself. Normal Teenage Life is a special kind of awful.

"Will you two please stop with the battle of the idiots" Raven asked, peering up from her book once more.

"WHATEVER" Terra snapped, and walked out.

"FINE" Speedy exclaimed and walked out as well, but the opposite way.

"Umm...I am confused. What has just happened" Kori asked innocently.

"They broke up." Dick said simply.

"Why" Kori asked, still not understanding.

Dick shook his head and smiled slightly at her naiivety, but Raven answered for him.

"I don't think they exactly know themselves." Raven interrupted curtly.

I do. Terra's a whore, and Speedy is an oh-so-sensitive teenage boy. It's fucking Teen Titans fan fiction, guys, not Metal Gear Solid; character motivations in this story are boringly simple.

"Should we not do something about it" Kori asked in a slightly hopeless voice. She didn't like to see her friends fight, and especially when they didn't make up, then it was really not good.

That's why she sat around and kept her trap shut when Raven and Terra got into that argument that resulted in Terra getting her leg snapped in half, or when Beast Boy ratted out all of their secrets, or anytime Raven has opened her mouth. Here's a girl who will do anything in her power to idly watch while friendships wither and die around her, then feel really bad about it afterward. Thank you, Kori Anderson. Thank you, and God bless you!



"Give them time. Time is always good." Garfield mentioned.

"I believe that I should go check on Terra anyway"

"Kori, we've got class." Raven reminded her.

"But what about"

"Let her deal with it. You know her, she's always been a bit of a loner." Bee interrupted. Kori shrugged, but still looked concerned.

"Right. Let's get to class." Dick mumbled, and quickly got up and left.

"Have I done something wrong" Kori asked, face a mixture of slight sadness and a whole lot of confusion.

Throw in half a cup of flour, and you've got the worst brownie recipe of all time.

"No Kori, you haven't done anything wrong." Victor answered.

"It's only Dick here who's acting like an asshole." Garfield supplied.

Where the hell is that coming from? How is he acting like an asshole?! Heck, for once he's among the least annoying and assholish of you lot, so why you're suddenly singling him out for ridicule, I have no idea! You can't just tell the reader that a character is being an asshole while showing them acting totally calm and passive!

Or, well, you can, but it's generally frowned upon!

"He's probably just got a lot on his mind." Raven said, as the group walked through the dining hall towards the exit.

"How would you know that? It's not like you can read minds" Bee responded carelessly, to which Raven rolled her eyes.

"Yeah, me, read minds, yeah right." She commented.

"SPEEDY GET OUT OF THE SHOWER! YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR LIKE, AN HOUR" Victor yelled a couple of mornings later.

Most DISNEY MOVIES don't run nearly as long as Speedy's early-morning shower wank-a-thons.

"Yeah, we've got breakfast" Garfield added.

"Actually, we don't have breakfast for another hour." Victor replied.

"Doesn't matter." Garfield shrugged.

I just now noticed that these rooms all apparently have their own shower. How ridiculously high must Jefferson's water bill be?

"SPEEDY GET OUT! WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO? DROWN YOURSELF" The bathroom door opened, and a bar of soap came flying out and hit Victor in the head.

"OW! THAT HURT YA IDIOT" He said, chucking it ahead of him.

"Did you know that on a box of Dial soap, for the directions, it says, 'use like regular soap'? So I'm like...how exactly is that" Garfield joked.

It doesn't surprise me one bit that Gar doesn't know how to use soap.

"SPEEDY GET OUTTA THE SHOWER UNLESS YOU'RE TRYING TO DROWN YOURSELF"

"Hey maybe he is"

"Why would he drown himself"

You never need a good reason to attempt suicide when you're in middle school. Someone cuts in front of you in the soup line? Cut your wrists and black your eyes!

"Probably upset about Terra."

"But he broke up with her."

"No, technically she broke up with him."

"Yeah, she did have that whole mock death th"

"You two sound like middle school girls." Dick said, suddenly appearing.

I wonder if that's a subtle reference to the fact that every character in this story sounds exactly the same because they were all written BY a middle school girl.

Maybe Normal Teenage Life is becoming self-aware. Maybe it's learned to think...to feel...to love.

Does Dick know Instant Transmission?!

"DUDE! We'd you come from" Garfield exclaimed, tripping over his own feet and fell backwards. "Ow...that hurt..." Garfield said rubbing his side.

"Yeah, we didn't even hear you. You're like a ninja" Victor added. "Or like...Batman or something"

"Whatever."



Richard Grayson, everybody!

"What was up with you yesterday? You were all quiet and...and..." Garfield started to say, getting up.

"Ravenish" Victor supplied.

Garfield shot him a look. "Yeah. What he said."

"It's nothing."

"Sure it's not." Victor said, slightly accusingly, but then turned toward the bathroom. "ROY HARPER GET OUTTA THERE"

Victor desperately wants to catch a glimpse of Speedy naked.

Also, DISNEY MOVIES.

"Has anyone seen Dick" Speedy asked at lunch that day.

"Or Raven for that matter." Garfield asked.

"Nah, they were in the library when I last saw them." Victor said.

"Why? I thought that Dick had improved his grades." Kori asked.

"Who knows what they're doin" Speedy said lightly.

"I do wonder." Kori said, with slight alarm.

Every single character has exactly one attribute about them that defines their entire character:

Raven: Horny
Garfield: Retardfield
Bee: Black
Speedy: [Data unavailable]
Victor: Also black
Dick: Dick
Terra: Dick

Kori, however, is a rare twofer; she's both incredibly possessive and paranoid towards her intended, and she's a worry wart who is always passively wringing her hands in concern for every single happening around her.

Our best developed character in the story is Kori. Do dwell on what that implies about the rest of these stupid kids.

Speedy took a seat down by Kori, and Victor gave him a look.

I'm really goddamn tired of that phrase. What look? What emotion was the look trying to convey? It's never said--it's just "a look." It can mean anything and everything. The only thing this "mystery look" bullshit serves to do is piss me the hell off...

'Cheating scum...' She thought, as she shot Speedy an unnoticed glare. She still wasn't too fond of Speedy, but he had stopped twitching whenever she was around about a couple of days ago.

Or, rather, he wasn't twitching anywhere visible anymore.

"So, Kori, how are you planning on spending Valentine's Day" Speedy asked, edging his chair closer to Kori, who looked a little unnerved by it.

"I...am not quite sure yet." She said uneasily.

Kori: But Raven has lent me some very fine literature with half-naked muscular men on the covers, which she nebulously said will "get my motor running." Perhaps she means that we are going yachting later?

"Really? You're so enthusiastic about it that I'd have thought you would've had something by now." Speedy said, about to put his hand on Kori's, to which reply she quickly moved it away, shooting Bee a look that plainly said, 'help'.

Being a woman, Kori is naturally adverse towards fighting her own battles.

"Right...um...I...I have...to get some extra paper from the art building..." She said getting up, and quickly leaving.

"I'll come with you" Speedy said, also getting up. Victor, who was sitting next to him (For future reference, they were sitting this way at the current time, left to right, Kori, Speedy, Victor, Bee, Garfield, and Terra who was just paying attention to Josh HERE IS SOME USELESS TRIVIA THAT WILL NEVER BE IMPORTANT AGAIN), got up, and pulled him away. Kori stopped for a minute, as if not sure to go or not.

"Go Kori, he has something to do." Victor said, nodding at her.

He means himself.

This story is so bland that I'm actually reduced to making gay jokes every other sentence. I feel like Two-One-Five.

"I will view you later" Kori said, slightly happily, and walking away.

"You can tell her a million times it's see, not view, but there are somethings that girl will not change about her speech." Garfield said, shaking his head in amusement.

Such as her stubborn refusal to stop peppering her sentences with 70s urban slang. "How's it goin', Kori?" they'd ask, to which she'd reply "Quit jivin' me, turkey!"

"What's with you pulling me away" Speedy asked, trying to maintain an 'innocent' look.

"What are you trying to do" Victor asked, and gave him an annoyed look. Speedy back up to the table nervously.

"I haven't done anything! What are you talking about"

"Dude. You are pitiful." Garfield agreed.

"If ya have to flirt with someone, flirt with someone who isn't your friend's best friend." Bee said.

Yeah! Flirting with your friends' friends is just...uh...what's the problem?

I mean, it's supposed to be that Dick wants to pee in Kori's butt, but that ridiculously awkward phrasing seemed to imply that any platonic connection between two people prevents any third party from flirting with either one of them. Also...shouldn't Dick be the one brow-beating Speedy?

Why, I'm beginning to think our lovable authoress has no idea what motivates any of her characters.

"I wasn't"

"Don't even try to deny it." Victor said.

"Deny what" Raven asked, as she and Dick walked up to the table.

"Nothing." Victor replied quickly, and laughed nervously, backing away from Speedy. Raven shot them a suspicious look, but ignored it.

Have you ever noticed how every one of these kids is too lazy to ever follow up on anything?

"Where's Kori" Dick asked.

"In the art building." Garfield informed.

Dick shrugged. "I'll catch up with her later, we have sixth period together."

Ironically, said class is Creative Writing.

"Dude! I hear that Kansas is out today" Victor exclaimed when he and Garfield caught up with Kori, Dick, and Raven before seventh period.

"I thought that her proper name was Kinsus" Kori asked.

"True, but her name sounds so much like the state of Kansas that everyone calls her that." Raven answered.

"But it is mean to ridicule someone's name. It is not the fault of the"

"Kori, we don't need to hear another story of how people should not be teased because of their names." Raven interrupted.

Kori had previously lectured them for mercilessly taunting Jason Cocknibbler back in 9th grade.

"Why does she do that" Garfield asked, half not really wanting to now.

"Long, long story." Raven groaned. "Trust me. You do not want to get her started on it."

"It is not fair! They themselves had strange Hebrew names as well! They did not have to tease me about mine" Kori exclaimed to no one in particular.

Kori carries the spirit of the Prophet Elijah, who periodically possesses her and recounts his experiences trying to spread the word of God across the land.

"Something about before she came here back in the Middle East" Speedy asked.

"Yep." Raven answered.

"Right, anyway, so 'cuz Kansas is out today, you're class is combining with ours.

If they can get three other teachers to cancel their classes, then they can combine and form the all-powerful Language Arts Megazord!

Well, they've already got teenagers with attitude, at least.

Ya gotta come to room 118 instead of 120." Victor explained.

"So it's like a substitute" Garfield said excitedly.

"Yeah, pretty much." Dick answered.

"Great. A sub. Pure chaos." Raven said sarcastically.

Raven served aboard the U.S.S. Essex in a past life, so she knows just how much chaos a sub can cause. Especially a Japanese sub. Ms. Haruka still hasn't recovered from the thirteen stab wounds suffered during the week where she took over French class.

"So we do not have to really do the work, but other things" Kori wondered happily.

"Depends what kind of mood Nescrantz is in." Victor shrugged, as the group walked into the very full classroom.

"Alright class! I have a lot of work to do today. I'm going to give you some UPCO assignments." Mr. Nescrantz said, and the class...classes groaned, though they took out the horrible, annoying UPCO book.

...What's UPCO?

"I do not wish to do this wretched UPCO assignment." Kori huffed.

What's UPCO?

"Wretched? It's annoying but I wouldn't exactly call it wretched." Raven commented.

Yeah, but what IS it? Is this some stupid inside thing that only the author would understand?! I am so goddamn sick of those! I mean, the least she could do is explain to the reader what UPCO is on the oh so slim chance that somebody outside of her little bubble would read this!

"I do not wish to do this. I think I shall work on my manga." Kori said, taking out her drawing pad and pencils, and started working on it.

Kori: Nick Simmons told me that my manga is super kawaii desu ne~!

Raven gave her an odd look, but continued working on the assignment.

"You'll have to do that later you know." Victor said, turning around. Due to the limited space, the group was separated, with Garfield and Dick on the other side of the room.

Kori shrugged in reply. "I do not mind."

"More work for you." Victor said, turning back to his work. He took one look at the question and groaned. "DOES ANYONE KNOW WHAT PO-TEN-TIAL E-VAP-O-TRAS-PIR-A-TION IS" He announced to the class.

Ah, so UPCO is special-ed level phonics.

"Kori why do you have a mini-calender with you" Raven asked her that night.

"To count off the days until Valentine's Day" Kori said in a perky voice. "Well, and other important dates as well,

Christmas, Easter, Ramadan, the Hindu Festival of Lights--you know, Jewish stuff.

but you get my point."

"I don't really want to know,

Why is information so taboo in this story? Every time some character says something about themselves, another character has to chime in with "Whoa, I really don't want to know!" Is there really an awkward backstory that explains every single quirk for every one of these characters? Or are they just supremely disinterested in one another's lives? If so--and I keep asking this question because the story keeps forcing me to ask it--why the hell are they even friends?!

but how many days" Bee asked.

"Four tomorrow morning" She said brightly, crossing off one of the days, which caused Bee and Raven to groan.

"How can you possibly be so excited about Valentine's Day?" Terra asked from her place on the bed, shaking her head slightly.

"It is the holiday observed in honor of a martyr of the third century and coincidentally, as a day for sending valentines to sweethearts, schoolmates, ect"

And as was established back around Christmastime, the extremely Jewish Israeli-native Kori just adores Christian holidays.

"You're a walking dictionary aren't you" Terra asked.

"Yes! Thank you"

"Seriously, why are you excited" Raven asked.

"Because I have been recieving secret admirer notes all week and I am assuming that they will reveal their identity on the day of Valentines" Kori replied with glee, and Bee had a suspicious look, and Raven remained silent.

"It could be Speedy you know." Bee suggested, and the other three girls, Terra, Kori, and Raven, looked quite disturbed by the thought. Kori most of all.

"But why would it be Speedy" Terra asked.

"Must we get into it" Kori said with a disgusted look on her face. "I really would rather not discuss it. It is quite disturbing."

Kori--the most beautiful girl in the entire school--is totally not at all used to being hit on by undesirable men.

"If it is Speedy, I'm gonna kill him with a Machetti" Terra said, laughing. The others gave her looks of horror

They take her murder threats a little more seriously after it came out that she hacked her parents to death with a "machetti" [sic].

until she continued speaking. "Kidding! Kidding"

"Can you believe how...in theme the teachers are getting with the whole "holiday"" Bee commented.

They've been fucking like jackrabbits all week.

"Yeah, I can't believe that our English teachers are taking a break from our stories to learn about love poems." Raven groaned.

"Speaking of love poems, what's the one that Kori got today" Terra asked slyly.

"It is a not written personally to me and you may not see it" Kori replied immediately, quickly putting a piece of paper away.

"(groan) I'm just glad it's almost the end of the week. It has been a long, tiring, pink week." Raven moaned, lying down on her bed.

It's times like these where Raven curses her dead mother for not passing down her colorblindness so that she could revel in a world made up entirely of varying shades of gray.

"Four days til Valentine's Day"

Those last four days went by almost normally. The teachers were still very...Valentine's Day, and Kori was getting pinker everyday,

Her all-shrimp diet was finally beginning to pay off.

and Raven, Bee, and Victor hated it even more. Dick, still remained quiet, and Raven was still buried in her 'Tales of HorrorWhorer' book.

Unfortunately for Kori, Speedy kept trying to flirt with her whenever Dick wasn't there, in various different ways. Whether it was sitting next to her, attempting to hold her hand thankfully for all the Robin/Star fans, she has quick reflexes, trying to walk with her alone to class, or other various sorts of things.

Such as humping her leg, leaving photographs of her with her eyes cut out on her doorstep or drugging her in the middle of the night and sodomizing her. You know, middle school stuff.

Victor seemed to be hanging around Kori, but for an entirely different reason.

He was taking cues from her wardrobe.

We all know Kori is a very sweet person, who doesn't like to insult others. That's where Victor came in. Whenever Speedy got a little too close for comfort, Victor stepped in, with one excuse or another, because both Dick and Raven seemed absent very often of late.

Kori's been keeping Victor on retainer ever since she saw a spider next to her keys and became paralyzed with fear.

But what of Garfield you might be wondering? Valentine's Day wasn't exactly his favorite holiday, nor did he hate it as much as Bee and Raven. So, he was up to just his normal annoying whoever came into range personality type of thing.

It being a holiday, his dismembered corpse politely refrained from washing up on the beach until after Valentine's Day, so as not to ruin it for all the attractive, intelligent people who can get dates.

Now Terra. She's another story entirely. That little sidetrack begins a couple of days earlier, when Terra and Speedy broke up.

Oh for fuck's sake.

Re-cap

I don't know if Queenie is being payed by the word, and I frankly do not care. We are not recapping a goddamn thing.

After Terra walked out, she was quickly followed by...wait for it...Josh Richaron. The minute he stepped out, people started talking.

"Hey, what's that guy doing"

"Yeah, you'd think he wouldn't go after another girl since he broke up with Brittney"

"It's a mystery"

"Mystery? They should bring in Monk" Someone suggested.

"That's a TV show Olga! No one's gonna bring in a TV character"

"Maybe he's going to comfort Terra"

"That murder"

"I hear that's just a rumor"

I'm starting to wonder if there was just something wrong with my high school, because I don't remember anybody ever acting like this at any point in time.

Outside the cafeteria, Terra was sulking slightly. Not only had she just gotten dumped, she had made a joke out of it, and now she didn't have ANYONE for Valentine's Day. And in this grade, that's pitiful. Well, for her anyway.

What she really wanted to do was murder her parents. That always perked her right up.

"What are you doing" A voice said, and she looked up and saw Josh Richaron standing in front of her. This was the first time she had actually seen him up close. And he was even hotter up close.

Being a Charmeleon, that was only natural.

Well...from Terra's opinion anyway.

Josh had dark brown hair. He was wearing black cargo pants with a dark forest green shirt that complimented his forest green eyes perfectly, especially with the gold specks goffik blak jeans n a blak t shit dat sed bich n other swear wordz on it in blod red riting n had drak blue eyez dat showd so much derperssion n goffik sadness. He also has a single scar that runs diagionally across his right eye. He was a quiet type of person, and Terra noticed that he only seemed to speak when it's either a)important or b) sarcastic. Terra had been staring at him so long, that she noticed he carrys himself with an air of command, and although he may not be the leader of the popular group that he was part of, he was the backbone.

Stricken with Scoliosis and prone to chronic spasms, but the backbone nonetheless!

"Hello...? Terra...that's your name right...? Wha" He started to repeat.

"Hmm? Yeah what" She answered, suddenly forgetting Speedy.

"You rushed out of the cafeteria after cursing your friend out...why..."

"Why are you asking me that? Since when have you cared? Why are you even talking to me"

All valid questions. However, "who the fuck is this guy?" "why has he never appeared before?" "why is he suddenly in the story and is he going to do another stupid expose like the last crappy new character did?" are also pertinent.

"Because I'm curious. But if you prefer, please, shoot the curious person." Josh replied dryly.

This is the most eco-friendly fanfic I've read in a while. It's made up of eighty percent recycled material!

"Sorry, um, I didn't mean it, I just, you know, was wondering."

"Right. Okay, I see there's nothing truely interesting."

"Hey! My life isn't bor"

Shut up, yes it is. I've been reading about it for four months, and hamster orgies are infinitely more interesting than your life.

"Do you want to get to class? Lunch is almost over." Josh asked, and Terra nodded in slight awe.

She's always been attracted to Cybertronians.

Why was he being so nice to her? It didn't make sense. Since when had Josh Richaron cared about anyone other them himself?

Well, I don't know; since when has Josh Richaron ever existed?! You can't just insert a new character into the story and then act like his personality was established a long time ago! That's lazier than lazy! That's--that's lazier than Raven!

This was very odd, but Terra didn't ask again.

Terra learned nothing from the previous chapter, where an extremely handsome enigmatic boy showed an interest in a depressed girl and wound up publishing her diary.

After that one act of kindness, Terra had been following him around like a puppy, and hadn't seen much of her friends.

I don't see why that needed to be a flashback.

On Valentine's Day, Kori got up a bit early, and saw a note slipped under their door. She quickly got up, and snatched it from it's place by the door, and sat down on her bed to read it.

'Your eyes make me dance.

'Release me from your hypnotic thrall.'

You hair makes me love you even more.

The way you changed my life is unforgettable.

'I'll let you know when I regain the ability to walk, bitch.'

The way you just walk into a room,

makes my heart jump.

The way you look at your friends,

makes me love you even more.

This is the clumsiest poem ever. Who wrote this, Raven?

I love everything about you,

Your eyes,

Your every freckle

'I've formed constellations out of them. Even the ones that are actually zits.'

And I can't help wonder...

Do you love me too?'

Kori skimmed the rest of it. It said to meet her secret admirer in the gardens at eight o'clock that night.

Why couldn't she have skimmed the poem too?!

She stuck the note in one of her drawers, and then took something out of a box from under her bed.

She took the box out, and opened it up, taking various things out of it.

If it's anybody besides Warren Beatty, then they're going to have to answer to her Mossberg 12 gauge.

She had a slightly evil grin on her face. Now, for her to get to work.

At around 7:45, Raven woke up to her annoying alarm going "BEEP! BEEEP! BEEP"

That's no alarm, that's just what Richaron's nocturnal emissions sound like.

"I hate Mondays..." She grumbled.

Raven: Time to go shoot up an elementary school.

Bee, who was also waking up, heard her. "Mm-hm...if Valentinez Days really holly day why we no go school..." She moaned, still asleep.

She's dreaming that she's Quina Quen.

Raven, though, awoke, however groggily and reluctantly. She took one look at her room, and had a delayed reaction. She couldn't decide whether to scream or faint. She decided on screaming.

"AHHHHHHHHHH" Raven yelled as she bolted upwards.

"What is it" Terra said, she too getting up.

"Mm...five more minutes mom..." Bee mumbled, but opened her eyes and saw what Raven had screamed about.

Kori Anderson lay in various piles across the room, the ceiling festooned with her internal organs. Her horrified friends gathered at the cafeteria later that day to comfort Raven on her traumatic experience and wonder why anybody would want to emotionally scar her so.

Kori's head poked out from the bathroom door. "Why have you yelled so early in the morning Raven"

"Holy CRAP! Our room...it's been...it's been..." Raven stuttered.

"Pinkified..." Bee said for lack of better term

"Yes! Pinkified"

"It is merely in theme for Valentine's Day! I shall be taking it all down tomorrow" Kori exclaimed happily, closing the door. Raven landed with a thud back on her bed, groaning.

That bitch, putting colors all over the room! Why can't everybody just like boring gothic shit like Raven?!

"Pinkified. My room has been pinkified." She moaned.

"I can't believe this happened." Bee agreed.

"I think it's nice" Terra said, sitting on her bed, swinging her legs, about to get ready. Kori stepped out of the bathroom, she too was, as Bee said, 'pinkified'.

I'll just add "the room was pinkified" to the list of vital information that must be repeated incessantly. Does that come before "Bee is black" and after "Bee dresses like a bumblebee" or the other way around?

The first thing that Bee noticed was Kori's hair. For some incomprehensable reason, Kori had curled her hair BTW if any of you have the February 2005 issue of "J-14", go to page 35 and that's what I'm talking about,

Are you fucking kidding me?! You actually interrupted the narrative to share hair styling tips tips with your readers?! That's, like, the ultimate example of badfic parody, and this story plays it completely straight! Shit, I half expect to see an advertisement at the start of any given chapter asking for me to sign a petition to prove that Queenie is ttly goffik! How low must anybody's standards be to find any single aspect about Normal Teenage Life at all redeemable?!

I know the answer to that question from personal experience, and the answer is "ridiculously low."

so it took a very pretty, elegant sort of look, and then pulled part of it back with a pink brooch sort of clip. Her outfit was also very pink. She was wearing an off-the-shoulder light pink top with a flower pinned to the right side of it. She was also wearing...guess what color...that's right...PINK jeans, and light pink boots. You can't ignore the medium-sized gold hoops that she was wearing, that had pink stones set in it. She was also wearing various pink bracelets. No necklace however.

You know, if I pretend I'm reading My Immortal, it's actually quite funny.

"Kori. WHY are you dressed in all pink" Raven said, trying not to moan for the third time that day, and she hadn't even been up for an hour yet.

She doesn't have nearly this much courtesy when she masturbates first thing after waking up. You can only take so many breathy groans of the name "Edward" before you just want to smother a bitch.

"Because it is Valentine's Day and I wish to commemorate the holiday by wearing the signature color" Kori exclaimed happily, to which Raven covered her head with a pillow and muttered some things about "EVIL SAINT VALENTINE" and "KILL THE COLOR PINK".

And with a whimper, so go the final lingering threads of Raven's sanity.

The actual schoolday went by semi-slowly. The teachers were finishing up their extremely short unit on Valentine's Day, which in otherwords meant quizzes in most classes.

Terra...Terra was still "stalking" Josh, until around eight period, when he kind of...told her off, for lack of better term.

This is, of course, not important enough to spend any time discussing, despite the fact that the story went out of its way to include it in the narrative (though, then again, it also found hair styling tips of paramount importance), so we'll just skim through the scene that was explicitly set up via a lengthy cutaway earlier in the chapter.

Why? Because fuck the reader, that's why.

Not that Terra cared, she just kept staring, and staring at him.

Terra: I wonder if I can make him burst into flames...

"HONESTLY! What is with these teachers? Everyone's so pink" Bee exclaimed at the end of the school day. "I need to get away from all the pink!"

Dread the day when she gets a glimpse at her own vagina.

"Same." Victor agreed.

"You've got a PS2 in your room right" Bee asked desprately.

"Yeah, but so do you, right"

"Our room. Has been. PINKIFIED." Raven interjected into the conversation.

This is probably a bad time to point out that there's a pink PS2 in circulation, isn't it?

"Oh." Victor answered, suddenly pitying the girls.

"I wonder if Kori is doing anything special" Speedy wondered outloud.

"I've got some stuff to do for school. I'm failing science again" Garfield exclaimed.

"I've got a new book." Raven mumbled, holding up what they all assumed to be another horror novel. It was quite a large novel, and Raven needed to use both hands, or the novel would fall.

To celebrate her newfound lack of sanity, Raven's going to immerse herself in Finnegan's Wake.

"I'm gonna be reading it in the gardens if anyone needs me."

"WHERE DOES DICK GO ALL DAY" Victor exclaimed.

That was completely out of left field.

I don't mean the fact that his comment came literally out of nowhere, I mean the fact that somebody was wondering the whereabouts of someone besides Raven for once.

"You know, Kori's gone too..." Garfield said, then gave an evil smile. "Hey you know, we're allowed to go off-campus today, maybe they're"

But he didn't get to finish, as Raven hit him on the back of the head with her book. "GOD! You are SUCH a PERVERT! For the thousandth time, Kori is in the art room working on some manga for Literary Star magazine you pervert!

Nothing draws in the readers like amateur, middle-school manga. That's how Akira Toriyama got his start, don'tchaknow.

And Dick is in the library ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CAMPUS"

Watching DISNEY MOVIES.

"Heh, heh...yeah...right...I knew that."

Then, Bee decided to hit him on the head.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR"

Bee: FOR GIVING US ALL YOUR CAPSLOCK AGAIN. WHY THE NURSE DOESN'T JUST QUARANTINE YOU, I HAVE NO IDEA.

Bee shrugged, and then smiled. "It was fun"

At around say...5:30, it started to get dark, so Raven decided to head in. Then of course"miraculously", the lights came on, so she didn't have to go in.

The sun had changed its mind about setting so as to spite Raven.

She got back on her place on the bench, and started reading again.

Only to be interrupted by Garfield.

"Umm...hi Rae" He said nervously. In response, Raven took a tape recorder out of her bag, and pressed the 'play' button.

In a nondescript van parked in the Jefferson parking lot, two FBI agents put on their headphones, eager to bring the hammer down on Garfield "El Bandito Magnifico" Logan, the most notorious bandito on the west coast.

"I am not helping you with your homework, I am not giving you the answers to today's test that you skipped, and I am not giving you my homework." Then, Raven pressed the stop button, her attention still not wavering from her book.

"But I finished my homework, and I took the test after school." Garfield answered.

"Then what do you want" Raven herself not a tape recorder said, looking up briefly from her book.

"Umm...I don't know..." Garfield mumbled, walking toward her.

He says that line so often that it's become his goddamn catchphrase.

Raven however, simply went back to her book.

A conviently, author-placed stone caused our little comedian to trip, and fall, and he grabbed hold of Raven's book to keep from falling.

Oh my God, Queen-Of-Azarath is Haruhi Suzumiya!

...

GODDAMN SON OF A CUNT-STABBING COCKROCKET I HATE THIS FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT STORY EVEN MORE THAN EVER NOW!!!

However, he still fell, except that the cover of her books fell of. It fell off, and Garfield took a look at it.

"Tales of Horror Part II" He said. He then stood up, and brushed off the dirt from his knees. "Yeah...I'm a klutz as you can see."

"Apparently." Raven said in montone.

"I think that you'll want this back." He said handing it back. Then, he took a glance at the cover, and snatched the book from Raven's hands, and took a look at what she was reading.

Gar: "That is not dead which can eternal lie?" What the hell is this crap?

"Give that back" Raven exclaimed, trying to make grabs at it, but Garfield held it out of reach.

"No way"

"GIVE THAT BACK"

Raven: Before it gets adapted into a DISNEY MOVIE.

Garfield stopped trying to avoid Raven's attempts to get it back, and stared at her after he had taken a good look at Raven's book. "Umm...Rae..."

Raven managed to snatch her book back, and gave him a disgusted look. "WHAT?"

"If you are...like...Ms. Anti-Valentine's Day and Anti-All-Things-Romantic, then why are you reading this?" Garfield asked, pointing to Raven's...romance novel.

"Cuz I want to. Deal with it." She snapped.

Girl's gotta shlick to something.

"But why are you so down on Valentine's Day? What did it ever do to you"

"I can hate something without telling the whole world why, thank you very much."

That's some solid logic there, Raven. Right on par with the Ku-Klux-Klan.

"It's too bad you hate romance..." Garfield muttered disappointedly, starting to walk away.

Raven looked up from her book, and gave him a skeptical look. "Exactly why is it too bad that I hate romance" Garfield turned in reply, and turned slightly red.

"Did...did I say that outloud" He stuttered.

"Uh...yeah. Now, I answered your question, you answer mine."

"Um...uh...yeah...well...it's just cuz...I kinda...wanted to know if...if you'd like to...like...to..." Garfield stuttered. But before he could finish, Raven's cellphone started ringing.

Nothing is a faster moodkill than the Glee cover of It's My Life.

"Shit" Garfield muttered under his breath as Raven took out her cellphone, and pressed the speakerphone button.

"Hello..." Raven said.

"Have you seen Kori" Speedy asked, interrupting yet another perfect moment. Garfield turned extremely red, and ran away. If Speedy had actually been present, instead of on the phone, she would've glared daggers at him.

"Glared daggers." Yep, I can definitely see this becoming the new overused stock phrase in Normal Teenage Life. Right alongside "Umm, I don't know."

"No. I HAVEN'T seen her. Why do you want to know anyway" Raven snapped.

"Oh..." Speedy muttered, and hung up.

"Retarded cheating..." Raven muttered.

I can only imagine the conflict this must've caused during this chapter's writing, when the author couldn't decide if her hate for Speedy overrode her hate for Terra or vice-versa.

"So Garfield what were you going to" She started to say, but realized Garfield had ran away. "Damn" She hissed.

Then, Raven opened her bag and took out a mini-notebook, of 'things to do'. "Let's see..." She said, looking for a pen and took one out. She spoke out loud as she wrote. "Things to do...kill...Speedy...ASAP."

Speaking of, I still don't get this story's preoccupation with hating Speedy. What, exactly did he ever do to piss everybody off so much? He's kind of a douche, but he's no worse than any other character...

NOW let's go check up on Bee and Victor. They were in the boy's common room the girl's common room had been... :shudder : pinkified, playing video games.

"This holiday is so retarded." Bee muttered. "HAH! I got past you"

"NO YOU DIDN'T" Victor said as he played faster. "Yeah...it is stupid..."

I wonder if they realize that they're still on the PS2's loading screen...

"Hey...what's Dick been doing this week anyway"

"I dunno, haven't really seen him. He's been kinda irritable."

He's been trying to pass a kidneystone all week long; cut him some slack.

"Irritable? Isn't he always irritable"

"Put it this way, he's like Raven with PMS."

Bee stopped playing, and gave Victor a strange look. "You serious"

"Yeah."

So, basically, he's like Raven is all the time?

"Something has to be up."

"Good point. But what to do about it..." Victor said, thinking hard.

"We'll probably find out later." Bee commented. "So do you know what Garfield's up to"

I just wonder what GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARfield's up to!

"He told me he's gonna attempt to ask Raven out..." Victor said mindlessly, going back to the video games.

"That's seems stupid. I mean, she's so anti-valentine's day."

Naturally, this means that she'd be completely adverse to dating!

"So are we, in case you haven't noticed."

"True." Bee agreed, and she too went back to her PS2 game.

By the end of the day, everyone seemed sick of pink. Except for Kori, of course. She still had her secret admirer to meet.

At around 7:30 that night, Kori had been in the bathroom, for about say...hmm...an hour or so...trying to make sure she looked perfect.

Which was her cover for snorting copious amounts of cocaine. Obnoxious as Speedy was, he still had all the right connections.

"KORI. GET OUT" Raven said as she chucked something at the door. "I NEED MY HAIRBRUSH" The bathroom door opened, and Terra's hairbrush was thrown out of the bathroom, almost hitting Terra on the head, but Terra miraculously caught it.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THERE ANYWAY" Bee yelled.

I almost repeated my joke about DISNEY MOVIES from earlier in the chapter, where this exact same scene took place between Speedy and Victor. God, I hate this story.

"I am merely...um...doing...things of importance" Kori exclaimed from the bathroom.

"God what is her problem" Terra murmered shaking her head.

Bee: Didn't you see her at dinner? After pigging out the way she did, it'll be a miracle if we ever get the toilet unclogged!

"I think the chances of us finding out are the chances of hell freezing over." Bee answered.

"Like that will ever happen."

"Hey, do you know where Rae is"

There we go! Now the story's back on track--constantly mulling the whereabouts of our favorite oh-so-goffik self-insertion!

"Nah, haven't seen her since like...the last time I saw her."

Deep thoughts from Normal Teenage Life.

"Which was...when?"

"Like...fifth period or something."

"Whatever..." Bee muttered, then turned to her nighttable and saw nothing. "HEY! What happened to my stereo"

"That CD player...tape player...radio...thing"

"YEAH! I NEED THAT"

Dammit, the urban market broke into their dorm![/plinkett]

"What did I do with that...let's see...hmm..."

"FIND IT TERRA"

"I'm thinkin! Let's see...maybe it's under my bed" Terra wondered outloud, hopping off her bed, laying flat on her stomach, and sticking her head under the bed. "WOW! Damn it's messy under here! I gotta clean it up" Bee heard Terra's muffled voice.

Between the decaying corpses of her parents and the weapon she used to murder them, there really isn't a whole lot of room for anything else.

"I don't care! Find my music! That was like, over 100 dollers"

American citizens who can't spell "dollar" should be legally barred from ever contributing to the economy again.

Come to think of it, that might explain the recession...

Struggling slightly, Terra pulled out Bee's stereo, with a triumphant look on her face. "Found it"

"Finally" Bee said.

"Can I borrow it" Terra asked with a hopeful look.

"No." Bee replied flatly.

"Then can I use the radio"

"If you keep it on my bed, sure."

"WAHOO! POWER TO THE CLASSIC ROCK" Terra exclaimed turning on the radio, changing it to 104.3.

"Nah...R and B is so much better" Bee disagreed.

Hey, reminders that Bee dresses like a bumblebee and is black in the same chapter! Right on, man.

"I'll see ya later" She said, leaving the room.

"Where ya goin"

"No offense Terra, but I really can't stand your taste in music, I'm goin over to the boys dorms." Bee said, closing the door.

"No doubt to visit Victor..." She muttered, cranking up the volume, only to hear Kori's voice yelling at her to turn it down.

At precisely eight o'clock that evening, Kori, appearence unchanged, appeared in the precise spot the note indicated.

She was privately thankful to Dick for teaching her the Instant Transmission technique.

She saw a bench, and sat down on it, a bit, okay, extremely nervous. What if they didn't show up? What if it was a cruel joke?

Then, she heard rustling on the path, and she quickly looked up and saw Dick walking towards her.

*****

CONTINUED IN PART 2

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 12:19 PM