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> Normal Teenage Life, Friendship is Nightmares
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Al_Cone


Where we're going, we don't need nanomachines
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post Jul 7 2010, 06:53 PM
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Fan fiction is rife with cliches, and the Teen Titans fandom is no exception. Before, we looked at Realization, a story where Raven gets inexplicably raped by Slade and somehow falls in love with Robin. Rape is basically a staple of the fan fiction community, and it is almost never handled well; Realization was no exception. It was a textbook example of a trite, overused writing cliche.

This story is in a similar vein, in that it also relies upon a cliched storytelling device: the alternate universe where all the characters are high school students!

Normal Teenage Life was once one of the most read and reviewed stories in the entire Teen Titans section of ff.net. In its heyday--circa 2004-2005--it had well over five hundred reviews, each one praising the inanity of a story wherein superheroes are robbed of everything that made them interesting and turned into mere shadows of what they once were, whining and complaining incessantly about how horrible they have it as privileged, prep school kids who want for nothing.

But this particular story has a gimmick--most of its chapters are "normal" retellings of episodes from the series, taking the extraordinary situations that the cast found themselves in and making them plain, trite and, well, ordinary. Needless to say, Normal Teenage Life lives up to its name completely--it's an in-depth look at the daily lives of a bunch of whiny shits who do nothing for twenty-nine chapters.

*****

A REPOST OF NTL, ORIGINALLY PUBLISHED In 2004!

Back when it was excusably bad! Unfortunately, it, unlike its writer, has not appreciated in value. *sigh*

Normal Teenage Life

Chapter 1: Beginnings

Original Japanese Title: Welcome to Jefferson High!!! The Contrivance of New Arrivals!

REAL NAMES

Robin: Dick Grayson (And this one is right!)

To his eternal chagrin

Starfire: Kori Anderson (Okay, so her real name is Koriand'r... I changed it a little)

Well, you and every other teen hack who's ever gotten a Word-capable laptop, watched an episode of Teen Titans, then went to school the following day and was struck with sudden inspiration.

Raven: Raven Sabel (Raven's her real name right? I know that Sabel isn't her last name though...but it sounds like a good one)

Be neat if it were spelled correctly.

SABLE: Makes sense.

SABEL: Sounds pseudo-French and gay.


Beastboy: Garfield (Gar) COUNT Logan (So is this one, this one is right too)

Cyborg: Victor Stone (This name is exact)

Bumblebee: Betty Klein (Don't know her real name...but you'll see later why I chose this one)

Because of her fascination with men's underwear.

Speedy: Roy Harper (Miraculously, this is his real name)

Terra: (Well, her name is just Terra. She has no last name. Or a past for that matter...YET)

Whizzed THAT one right down your leg, didn'cha sweetheart?

Blackfire: Mandy Anderson (Okay, fine, so her real name is Korimand'r...but Mandy was the closest I could get).

The unfortunately-named Mandy Anderson, everybody! Aside from the delicious, rhyming nature of her name, she is no doubt subject to countless Barry Manilow jokes.

Kitten: Camile Railson (Obviously not real.)

Railson=Son of Rails. Camile obviously comes from a noble lineage of boxcar-hoppers.

Jinx: Jill Stevens (Don't know the real name...)

And I suppose looking it up would be completely out of the question. Not that I mind, since this opens up a large can of potential Jill Sandwich jokes.

Gizmo: Zach Cabot (Same as above)

Mammoth: Max Hughs (Don't know the real name...)

"Let's get it started in here, Let's get it started in here-ALRIGHT IT'S MORNING NOW AND TIME FOR EVERYONE TO GET UP AND LISTEN TO SOME MUSIC! THIS HAS BEEN DJ-"

ALRIGHT IT'S ONLY THE FIRST ACTUAL SENTENCE OF THE STORY AND ALREADY I HATE IT AND WANT TO VIOLENTLY ASSAULT AND DESTROY IT!

Raven woke up to the popular radio station and turned off her alarm, where the digital clock showed the time being 7:00 AM.

"Dammet...I hate Thursdays...God it's too early to get up."

That's...an awfully random day to hate.

"Come Raven! You must awake so we can get ready!" A perky voice said.

"Kori, go away..."

"But even Terra is up! We will be late for class!"

Not that I mind, but the last couple of stories I've read have made a habit of implying that Terra is the absolute ditziest, laziest and least-intelligent human being on the planet. Seriously, and I thought they gave Beast Boy a hard time.

"What are you talking about? It's 7 in the morning."

"Uh..no it's not Raven! You were supposed to change your clock foward last night, remember? And besides, it's Friday! Not Thursday!" The blonde girl Kori had called Terra said.

Raven: A Friday?! Dammit! If there're two things I hate more than Thursdays, it's Fridays and that worthless maggot-cunted hag Terra!

"WHAT?" Raven said as she bolted up and ran into the bathroom. Kori and Terra heard her ranting on about 'stupid day light savings time' and 'stupid alarm clocks.'

Raven Sabel was one of the 250 kids who attended Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding school. She was of medium-height with purple hair (she had dyed it ages ago) and violet eyes. Her skin was pale. She was considered a goth, because she wore a lot of black, very quiet, and was always reading, except her five best friends, who knew her better than that.

2day she wuz wreaing a goffik blak t-shit, goffik blak genes and a thong dat sed simple plan on da butt (if u wnat 2 c massage me ill tell u)

She was only there because according to her mother, 'it would be good for her'. She hadn't seen her father in years.

Uh-oh, I smell a teenage girl self-insertion angst-Sue! biggrin.gif

"We must leave in 15 minutes to be in time for breakfast!" Kori called.

Kori: Commandant will be most cross with us if we are tardy again, and I've no desire to reacquaint my tender virgin posterior with Sergeant Spanky the Ass-Paddle.

Kori Anderson also attended Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding school. She was stuck there, because she was an orphan.

Because as everybody knows, orphans are always extremely wealthy, and can afford to live at expensive prep schools. Why, haven't you read Harry Potter?

Her parents had been killed two years ago in an accident she didn't like to speak of.

This should allow the author to avoid writing a backstory for her until she's come up with one. Let's wait and see how this turns out!

She was a little on the tall side, with long red hair and green eyes. To most, she was thought of as 'weird', because she spoke differently.

That, and she liked to stick her tongue in people's ears to check for Yeerks.

She grew up somewhere in the Middle East, and although she had no accent, she still insisted upon speaking her way. She was rather positive most of the time.

Oh hey! Kori is Naomi Hunter!

"Should I wear the brown boots or the black loafers?" Terra asked to Kori.

"I believe that the brown boots would go better than your loafers." She answered. "Raven you should really hurry up!"

There's nothing I love reading about more than teenage girls going about their morning routines, discussing what outfits they're going to wear and what shoes go better with their thigh-high stockings, and can you still see the cumstains on this blouse...

"I'm coming!" She said. "Stupid early mornings..."

"I hate early mornings too ya know!" Terra yelled through the bathroom door.

Terra was rather small, had big blue eyes and blonde hair. She loved the outdoors. No one knew much about her past, but they all knew that she wasn't stuck there.

She had a DeLorean!

She knew a ton about rocks, and would probably be some sort of geologist. If Raven could be possibly be considered the 'negetive' one and Kori the 'positive' one, than Terra would probably be descibed as just about in the middle of the two extremes. But remember, I said possibly. Not definitely. Possibly. Remember that.

Hey, fuck you third-person omniscient narrator! You can't tell me what to do! I control my own fate! Fact of the matter is, I control yours too, so shut your incorporeal piehole or I'm going to edit this story and turn it into a slasher! And no, I do not mean that two men are going to start packing fudge, I mean that heads are going to roll, limbs are going to fall and you are going to regret EVER fucking with me! You got that, third-person omniscient narrator?!

"OMG I just forgot!" Terra said.

"What is it?" Raven asked as ran out of the bathroom. 'I'll put my make-up on later.' She thought.

Raven: Right after I carve a Glasgow smile into Terra for actually pronouncing "OMG." Dumb whore.

"We were supposed to meet the guys before breakfast! I needed the English homework!"

"Then we should leave now and perhaps we could catch them in time!" Kori said optimistically.

I'm going to be relying on My Immortal for my jokes. More often than usual, it seems.

"Victor, did you get a date for the dance tomorrow night?" Garfield asked.

"Tomorrow night? The dance is tonight!" Victor said.

"IT'S TONIGHT?"

"Uhh...yeah!"

"Damment! Do you have a date?"

Damment!

"Nah...none of the girls here are my type...

"You know...none o'them have a penis."

What about you?"

"ME? No way. I don't do that whole date thing." He lied.

Garfield feigns asexuality, so that nobody looks beneath the hood and sees his crippling self-image problem. Also, he smells like Orson Welles' rectum. Makes it hard to find potential dates.

"And what about you Dick? You asked Kori yet?"

"Why would I do that? She's my best friend, not my girlfriend you dolt." Dick replied.

Oh. It's one of these stories. *sigh* I suppose I should start rooting for the alpha couple now, pretending to be caught up in all those forced "will-they-won't-they" moments and then squeal like a fangirl when, yes, they finally do.

"Su-ure it's that way."

"God dammet girls take forever!" Garfield said.

Dammet!

"They should have been here 10 minutes ago!" Victor Stone said indicating the dining hall entrance they were standing near.

Victor Stone is such an insufferably patronizing douchebag that he feels he needs to point out to his friends that "here" means "the location that I am presently standing in and gesticulating at madly like an irate Italian butcher.

"Look there they are!" Dick said.

Dick Grayson was around the same height as Kori Anderson (okay, fine, so I made him a bit taller. so sue me. Wait, strike that, don't sue me...fine...I'll put the disclaimer up! JUST DON'T SUE ME!),

What did I say? What did I say?! Better pay closer attention next time, hon, because I'm not cutting you so much slack the next time you pull some shit like that!

with black hair spiked up every morning. His eyes were icy blue. He was semi-popular, despite the fact that he played no sports what so ever.

As anybody knows, you'll never be popular amongst your peers in high school unless you play sports. Dick Grayson is the exception to that rule, bless his soul.

His parents, also like Kori's, were dead. He had an adoptive father though.

Victor Stone was an unnaturally tall African American black. Just say black. who was quarterback for the school's football team and was very popular. Despite that, he was down-to-earth. He loved cars, and was constantly working on his to make it better.

The nitro-boost and oil slick combination gave him an unfortunate setback, however.

No one knew much about his mother, but they had met his father when he came earlier in the year to inform Victor of something. He had been unnaturally quiet after that visit...

They later discovered that it was because Raven had slashed his throat and extracted his larynx as an offering to Satan.

See that, bitch?! And there's plenty more where that came from!!!


But aside from that, he is very loud, especially when playing video games.

He cussed up a blue streak to put the entire Navy to shame during a marathon run of The Conduit.

Garfield Logan, or more commonly known as Gar, was a short somewhat shrimpy kid. He had medium tone skin, with dark hair and green eyes. He wasn't really good at anything yet.

Everything he tried just left him a little bit more broken...

Aside from Terra, the group knew the least about his family. He was a typical class-clown, and made jokes constantly.

Bad jokes--some of them involving refrigerators and Prince Albert in a can--but it's the effort that counts.

Like Kori, he was stuck here until something better came along.

"(huff huff) Sorry we're late." Terra said as she, Raven, and Kori ran toward the three boys.

"Bitchcunt here got a little sore over me pouring a cup of my own urine into her mouth while she was asleep," Raven snorted, jerking her thumb at a beet-read Terra.

"What have you been doing?" Victor asked.

"I forgot to change my clock last night." Raven answered.

"Smart move." Garfield answered.

"So do you have the homework?" Terra asked Garfield.

"Yeah I've got it."

"Homework," of course, being code for their weekly shipment of Codeine syrup. Some lucky bastards are gonna be grippin' and sippin' tonight!

"Is that not cheating?" Kori asked.

"It's just homework. No one'll ever know." Terra said.

Besides Jesus. And boy howdy, Terra, it is not possible for him to hate you any more than he (and, by extension, this story) does now.

"C'mon guys, breakfast is starting."

"Er...I'll be there in a minute." Raven said as she turned the other way.

Curiously, it's the binging and not the purging that Raven's uncomfortable with.

"Okay, but you'd better come back in a few minutes or you won't get any breakfast!" Gar yelled after her.

"That's like, the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. What's up with that whole breakfast rule?" Terra said.

"What if you wake up at 8:30? Then you'd miss the 8:15 deadline and be hungry all day."

Then wake up before 8:15, you lazy assholes! It's not that fucking difficult! Children all across America--nay, all around the world--do it on the daily just to get to school, and you're whining because you have to do it to enjoy fresh-cooked breakfast?!

Fucking privileged-ass...bunch of Holden Caulfields, that's what you all are.


"Stupid principal..." Victor mumbled as he piled bacon and eggs on to his plate.

"I AM OUTRAGED THAT THE PRINCIPAL MAKES ME WAKE UP AT SEVEN IN THE MORNING SO THAT I CAN GET A SUMPTUOUS BANQUET OF EGGS AND BACON DAMN THAT SON OF A BITCH WHY I OUGHT TO GET MY DADDY TO SUE HIM OUT OF BOTH HIS HOUSEKEEPERS AND HIS MOTOR POOL LOLOOOLLLOLLLOOOLLLLLOOL"

"DUDE! How can you EAT THAT STUFF? IT'S been like, a LIVING thing." Garfield complained.

Actually, the eggs were never technically alive, unless Garfield takes "pro-life" to a whole new crazy-ass level...

"Gar, we go through this every day. You're a vegan, and Vic's a carnivore. Must you guys argue every day?" Dick said.

"But it's living creature."

It's not; in point of fact, it's dead. Very dead. Tasty, too.

"I need the protein. We're facing Washington on Sunday and I hear they're killer." Victor said.

"You have NO idea." Terra said as the group sat down at a table.

It's a grave disservice to the name of the father of our country if something named after him doesn't kick ass seven thousand ways from next Sunday.

"What are you talking about?"

"I used to go there, remember? They're quarterback, is nicknamed Mammoth because he's so huge."

They're quarterback!

Wouldn't a teenager with a hyper-berserk pituitary gland be better suited as a lineman?


"Joy."

"I see you losers are sitting at our table." A voice said from behind Kori. It was Camile Railson, also called Kitten because of all the cat fights she got into.

Chilling. She'd probably go down in six seconds flat if she ever picked a fight with a girl who actually knew how to...you know, fight.

She, her boyfriend Kyle, and their group of friends made up the most feared group in all of school. Also known as the popular group.

"Since when has this been your table?" Raven asked (she had returned from wherever she had been by now).

That had better be fucking essential to the plot, Narrator, or it's my foot in your ass!

"Since we wanted it." Mandy Anderson said. She was Kori's older (only by a year) sister, but they both like to pretend that they weren't related.

"There are like, three tables left in the caf, just pick another one." Victor said.

"Look tough guy, we want this table and we're gonna take this table." A boy named Johnny R. said.

He was backed up by his friends, Sid V. and Jerry G.

"Friends, let us move, I do not want to cause any trouble." Kori said gentley.

Gentley!

"Course you don't you freak." Camile said.

"Leave her out of this." Dick said. "We'll move."

And just like that, the testicles of everybody in a ten-foot radius shrunk six sizes.

"God they hate us. What did we ever do to them?" Gar said as they moved their seats.

"Kori, we're gonna be late for gym class and you know how Jameson hates it when we're late." Raven said.

Poor Jonah lost his job at the Daily Bugle and now he's a second-rate gym teacher in a bad AU fanfic.

"Yeah, and I've got English." Terra said.

"Yeah, the homework could have been worse. It was only three paragraphs." Gar said.

Three paragraphs? Where the hell is Gamer-E?! We need to get him all up in this bitch to complain, dammit!

"I thought that it was three pages." Kori asked.

"THREE PAGES! GAR I'M GONNA BE DEAD!" Terra yelled.

"It was three pages for everyone in our class remember? Your class gets different homework." Dick said.

Ahh, the joys of being in Remedial English for the Differently-Abled.

"That's good for Gar cuz I think Terra would have killed him." Victor said as he pointed to the quivering Garfield.

"Aw..is widdle Garfield afraid of the big bad Terra?" Terra mocked, trying to mantain a straight face, but burst out laughing, along with everyone. Expect Raven of course, but she just smirked and muttered 'Pitiful'.

I don't see what's so pitiful about that, since you all collectively shat yourselves after being threatened by a gang lead by somebody called "Kitten." Anything else just kind of pales by comparison.

"Uh..no I always sit like this." He said sitting up straight.

"Kori come on!" Raven said as she got up.

"Yes Raven, I do not wish to be late again." Kori said as she too got up.

"Uh..Kori wait!" Dick said.

"Yes?"

"Umm...uh..I...nevermind."

Dick: *Dammit Damment, Richard, now is not the time to reveal your unsightly back hair to the girl you have a crush on!

Dick said. Kori shrugged and ran off after Raven.

"The point of doing that was?" Terra asked.

"You were going to ask her weren't you?" Vic asked.

"Umm...maybe..."

Figures. Doesn't have the stones to stand up to a bully named fucking Kitten,, doesn't have the stones to ask the impressionable teenage bombshell to go to the Chastity Ball, or whatever the hell prep school assholes go to.

"Gar, come on, we've gotta get to English, you know that she'll kill us if we're late..." Terra said as she and Gar got up.

"God I love having first period off...but as I was saying...so you were gonna ask Kori to the dance weren't you?" Vic said.

"That's none of your business."

"Yes it is."

"No it isn't."

Vic: Son, I'm the fuckin' bookee. Your life is literally my business.

"Before we go outside, we've got a new student." Ms. Jameson said.

"I knew I should have brought my coat...I'll freeze." Raven muttered to Kori.

"Did I not remind you that we had gym today?" Kori asked.

Even in cold weather, I don't see what wearing a heavy coat would do in gym class.

"No, you didn't. Who do you suppose this new kid is? Probably another clone of Kitten or Mandy." Raven commented.

The Les Enfantes Terrible project hit a snag after Big Boss left the Patriots, so they had to settle for cloning whatever shortbus bitch was available

"Her name is Betty Klein, and she's a transfer student from the East Coast." Ms. Jameson announced to the class.

"I'd prefer if you'd just call me Bee."

"It's what I'm covered in, after all. BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES!!!"

Bee stepped through the gym doors, almost on cue. Bee seemed to be a little taller than Kori, (which was pretty tall). She was African American Your feeble attempts at being PC amuse and infuriate me, with her black hair pulled into a low ponytail and she had chocolate brown eyes raaaiiiin. She was wearing a tight-yellow long sleeved top and black pants.

"God she looks like such a jerk."

Oh, Anonymous Racist, you card--don't ever change!

"Okay class we're going outside." Ms. Jameson said as the class got up and started walking out of the gym.

Bee was instantly approached by Camile, Kyle, Mandy and Johnny.

"So new student huh?" Kyle said.

"Uhh..yeah. Or were you not listening?" Bee answered.

"Look. We're the most popular group in school. And we think you'd make a good addition to our group." Camile said.

Camile: Those NAACP bastards have been hounding us for months. Having you around'd finally get them off our backs.

"With you freaks? No way."

"We're the most popular group in school. If we want someone in our group, they're in. Got it?" Johnny said.

...So they're the ultra-inclusive...exclusive group.

"No way. I don't have to join your dumb 'group' if I don't want to. I don't listen to anyone but myself." She said.

"Fine ya stupid sweet little bumblebee." Mandy said.

"She does look like one doesn't she?" Camile said as her 'group' went off snickering.

Betty's a little bit too black and two-handed to be a bumblebee, don't you think you short-bus bitch?!

Not to steal a line from Shmeckie, but come the hell on...!


"Stupid jerks." Bee muttered.

"Ya think?" Raven asked as she walked up.

"What? Another bunch of jerks trying to use me?"

Well, it's either be used by the losers, be used by the giant-ass losers, or be used by the Patriots. It's kind of a no-win scenario.

"We are just trying to be friendly." Kori said.

"Sorry bout that. Considering my first encounter of people in this school were complete power-hungry jerks, I didn't know people on the west coast could be nice to new kids."

Ah, defying the stereotype of the East Coast prep school, are we? Well, good look, story that was written in abject ignorance of how any region besides Long Island operates, because I am going to be watching you like a motherfuckin' HAWK.

"So do you like football?" Kori asked.

"Like it? It's one of my fave sports!" She said.

"Well good, cuz that's what we're playing. You can be on our team." Raven said as they reached the football field.

Raven: I, uh, I hope you know how to play, because we mostly just run around in circles while the other team plows us up and down the field.

In English class, the Mrs. Matler was starting their unit on poetry. Or more so, trying to remember her lesson plan.

Mrs. Matler's senility is clearly becoming a problem, impairing her ability to teach more and more as the years drag on...

"Let's see...was that thing we were going to go over? Was it poetry? Or maybe it was short stories?" She fumbled through her desk. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door. "Yes, come in."

The door opened and in stepped two people.

Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold! They're back from the grave and even wussier than before!

The principal stepped in followed by a medium height woman with dark curly hair and brown eyes hidden by glasses.

"Mrs. Matler? I'd like to see you outside." The principal, Mr. Wilson said.

"What? But I was just going to start-" She answered.

"That's all very nice, but you're needed in the office."

Mr. Wilson: That Dennis boy keeps getting into my important files, and you're the only one who can reason with him!

"Yes...but who will teach the class? And who is this nice woman standing by you?"

"This is Mrs. Katz. She'll teach the class for now."

"Well alright then..." Mrs. Matler said as she walked out the door.

"I bet the old bat's gonna get fired." Gar whispered to Terra.

A sudden gunshot sent Gar's breakfast straight through his colon and mashed against his underwear, as he realized the unsettling truth of Mr. Wilson pulling Mrs. Matler from the class.

"That would be nice. Then maybe we'd actually get something done for a change." Terra whispered back and smirked.

"So you're teacher said that you're starting a unit on poetry? Okay, first off, I want you to all write a poem." Mrs. Katz said.

"But I thought that you were supposed to teach us poetry." Terra called out.

"I want to see what you guys know." She answered.

Shouldn't take long.

"Stupid boring ol' poetry..." She muttered as she started scribbing some rhyming lines about nature in her language arts section of her binder.

In Dick, Victor, and Gar's room, Dick and Victor were argueing over whether or not Dick should ask Kori to the dance.

Dick: I'm sorry, Vic, but I just don't feel that way about you! And no, I don't care that our nicknames rhyme; we are NEVER getting together!

"All I'm sayin is that if you like her, ask her!" Victor said.

"Who says that I-" Dick started to say, but was interrupted as the door swung open. In stepped a guy a little taller than Dick, with red hair and green eyes.

"A lot of people," he fumed, "have been making fun of gingers, and that's not cool! Gingers have souls! I go to Church! I'm a Christian! You can't judge me! You're not God--whoooooo!"

"Who are you?" Victor asked.

"You didn't know that you were getting a new roommate?" The guy asked.

"We had to sometime, I mean we do have that extra bed." Victor whispered to Dick.

"So what's your name?" Dick asked.

"Roy Harper. I was the star of the track team at my old school though, so my friends call me Speedy." He said.

He suddenly cracked up. "Nah, I'm kidding--it's because of my drug habit. That crap about the track team's a cover story."

"Actually, I prefer Speedy to my real name."

"Where'd ya come from?" Victor asked.

"New York." Speedy answered.

"Need help unpacking?"

"That would be nice."

"So what do class do you have?"

What do class do you--who the hell is talking?

"Well, I have first period off, but for second period normally I've got Social Studies, but they're giving me extra time to unpack."

A principal that feeds his students a full breakfast spread AND is generous enough to give them time off from class to settle in?! What a monster!

"We have that same class. Don't worry about unpacking. Doesn't matter if we miss Dalato's class." Dick said.

Domo arigato, Mr. Dalato...

"Again." Victor said with a grin.

"You cut class often?"

"Only as long as I can stay on the football team." Victor answered. Speedy looked at him in question.

"He's the quarterback." Dick explained.

And thus is absolved of all other responsibilities in life.

"Hey who's the other guy who's supposed to be here? I heard that there was three people in here."

"Oh Garfield's the other guy. He's in English now though. Our scheduales are demented."

Scheduales!

"So any hot girls around here?" Speedy asked.

"Well, they're's Kori Anderson..." Victor said.

"Victor..." Dick said warningly.

But he totally doesn't like her, guys.

"Who's Kori Anderson?" Speedy asked.

"Dick's best friend...also known as the girl who he likes but the guy's a chicken when it comes to asking her out." Victor explained.

"OH...so I take it she's off-limits?"

"Ya think?"

"Does anything interesting ever happen here?"

Occasionally, we get to find out who's talking during any given sentence, but otherwise, not really, no.

"You have no idea." Dick said.

"Dude, have you seen our principal? Mr. Wilson is like pure evil." Victor said.

Have I already filled my sarcasm quota? If so, then let me restate that Mr. Wilson sounds like the nicest, most accommodating administrator ever, and that these kids are full of crap.

"In what way so?"

"How many classes do you think we'll have to skip to explain your personal issues with the guy?" Victor teased Dick.

"About 3 or 4." Dick said with a grin.

Glad to see all that tuition is going somewhere important, kids!

"So you'd better start explaining." Speedy said.

"Raven, has anyone asked you to the dance?" Kori asked as they walked out of the gym.

This might come too late, since it's near the end of the mock and all, but these scene transitions are giving me fuckin' whiplash...

"Dance? What dance?" Bee asked.

"The Fall Dance is tonight."

"Ooh. So Kori have you gotten any invites?" Bee asked.

"Sure. She's got plenty. But she's waiting for one from Dick." Raven explained.

"RAVEN!" Kori yelled.

Quick, Kori! Gouge her eyes out and gag her with them; it's the only way she'll learn!

"Who's Dick?" Bee asked

"Her best friend." Raven explained.

"RAVEN!" Kori repeated.

"Who she secretly likes." Raven said with a smirk.

"You do have an evil mind." Kori asked in defeat.

Nah. Raven's just kind of a bitch.

"When I want to." Raven said, still smirking.

"So what's your next class Bee?" Kori asked, changing the subject.

"I've got Language Arts." Bee replied.

Oh, just say English, you pissant.

"What do you have next?"

"Language Arts, you know, English."

"Then why do you call it Language Arts?" Raven asked.

"Where I'm from in New York, that's what they call English class."

'Course, where she's from in New York, they call black people things that I can't repeat on here, so it's probably best that we refrain from using her vernacular.

"Oh..I've got French class." Kori answered.

"Spanish." Raven said.

"Damn! Maybe your friend Terra you were telling me about will be in it." Bee said.

*****

Wha--that's it? That's the end?! No postscript? No teenage girl bullshittery as a bookend?!

This is the best fucking fanfic ever!

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 05:09 PM


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post Jul 7 2010, 07:20 PM
QUOTE
"Uh..no it's not Raven! You were supposed to change your clock foward last night, remember? And besides, it's Friday! Not Thursday!" The blonde girl Kori had called Terra said.

Now, my memory isnít what it once was, but Iím certain those days fall on Sunday.

And this is exactly why I fucking hate the High School AU- the characters are nothing but a shallow shell of a stereotype from a fucking 80's flick. Don't get me wrong; I enjoy movies like Revenge of the Nerds and Breakfast Club that put the students in their little clicks. But you know something? They were good! Honestly, why is it always that the QB has to be an idiot? I mean, memorizing all those plays can't be done by just anybody, you know- not to mention other factors. Then we got the class clown, the dumb blonde bitch stereotype, the gotz, etc. Jesus Christ, do fucking high schools act like this now that I'm gone?


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post Jul 7 2010, 07:45 PM
What the. WELL IF THAT WASN'T BORING GAIZ!

QUOTE
Jesus Christ, do fucking high schools act like this now that I'm gone?


Sorta kinda but not really.

I remember in elementary school, some high schoolers came to visit. A girl asked them, "Do you guys [insert some generic high school movie problem here]?" They busted out laughing in her face.


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"That Ms. Paint is one classy Prospitian lady. She is the model of grace and beauty. I am always a bit flustered in her presence, especially when she carries her little pail around like that.

Whereas THIS lazy sack of crap here makes me sick to my stomach.

Cal, God damn it. We were all supposed to dress up for this. It doesn't look like you even touched that nice suit I sewed for you, let alone swapped your eyes with those billiard balls and make them alternate rapidly.

This insubordination is putting me in a foul mood. It's bad enough I just had to take Falcor out behind the woodshed and blow his brains out after he caught the rabies."


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post Jul 7 2010, 07:45 PM
QUOTE
Jinx: Jill Stevens (Don't know the real name...)

And I suppose looking it up would be completely out of the question. Not that I mind, since this opens up a large can of potential Jill Sandwich jokes.

I looked her up on Wikipedia, and it said she's never revealed her real name.


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post Jul 7 2010, 08:09 PM
Goddamn this is pointlessly boring. Good thing you only have 28 more chapters to go!


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"The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.Ē

Commala-come-come,
The battle's now begun!
And all the foes of men and rose
Rise with the setting sun.


I am He who howls in the night; I am He who moans in the snow; I am He who hath never seen light; I am He who mounts from below.
My car is the car of Death; My wings are the wings of dread; My breath is the north windís breath; My prey are the cold and the dead.
- Psychopompos
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post Jul 8 2010, 04:46 PM
I'm sorry, that comment about Gamer-e actually made me stop for a second and I burst out laughing for like five minutes. I have no idea why I found it so funny.


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the day, my genius and brawn
are lost on these fools.
~haiku


Angel of music sings, I pull the strings like Gendo
I control your every move, like buttons on Nintendo


RAWR!
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post Jul 9 2010, 06:32 AM
In every fantasy or sci-fi based fandom, there always seems to be at least one high school AU fic that becomes overwhelmingly popular and I wish I could say I don't know why.

Although this does give me an idea for my next mock. I've been wanting to mock a fic I enjoyed when I was younger. Now I just have to see if it's still up...


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"Ye cats, those televangelists from the '90s were right all along!"
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post Jul 15 2010, 06:26 PM
Now, for those of you who enjoyed the action-packed thrill ride that was the first chapter, I have got a real treat! This chapter somehow manages to top the non-stop fun of the first, filled with more pulse-pounding conversations, gossip and scenes of high school life than you'll know what to do with! Can you dig it?!

*****

Chapter 2: Classes and All-Nighters

Original Japanese Title: "Will You Go To The Dance With Me?" The Coupling Of The Heroes!

When Garfield got to Spanish class, he found that Raven was already there.

"Took you long enough." She said as he sat down.

"Not my fault we've got a new teacher who can't take a joke."

[b]The joke was, of course, from Dane Cook. The teacher was well within his rights to punish Gar in whatever way he deemed appropriate.


"New teacher? What happened to Matler?"

"I dunno, Wilson came in toward the beginning of class and I think they've finally fired the old bat. We got this new nut named Katz."

"What did you do?"

"All I asked her was how many cats she owned."

This subverts my wisecrack about Dane Cook, because that particular pun manages to make Dane Cook look like the wittiest son of a bitch in the industry.

"That's a smart way to make an good impression." Raven said sarcastically.

"You should have seen Terra when she made us write a poem. That girl depises poetry."

Depises!

"She's hopeless."

"Sometimes I agree with you."

"Don't worry," Raven assured him. "I was able to smuggle a box cutter into the cafeteria today; we'll get that bitch. Where did you think I took off to?"

Garfield said as he turned to face the teacher who was starting the lesson. Raven continued staring in his direction though, lost in her own little world. Garfield had the feeling that he was being watched,

Garfield's rampant paranoia is getting the better of him yet again.

and after a couple of seconds, turned to face her again. "Rae? Uhh...Rae? You there?"

"Hmm? What? Oh, yeah, I'm here."

"What are you thinking about."

"Just thinking of another poem."

A haiku, in fact:

Gar, I have slain you
Your entrails adorn my wall
Your brain was tasty.


"How many do you have by now in that notebook?" Garfield asked indicating the black notebook Raven always carried with her.

I think I found Kira, guys.

"About 20 or so."

"Raven! Garfield! How many times have I told you! Stop talking! Come back from La-la land and come back into Alton (prononced Altohn) Land!" The teacher, called Senora Alton said.

I don't know why it was at all necessary to include a pronunciation key for what is in all likelihood a one-shot character who'll never appear again, but I really hope it doesn't happen too often in this story.

"Can you tell me the answer to number twelve?"

"Uh...no?" Garfield said.

#12: Mary has six apples. Tim comes along and eats three and a half of them. How many apples does Mary have now?

"Raven?"

"Nosotros estamos bailando la salsa."

"Very good. At least someone's paying attention."

Unfortunately, her pronunciation and accent were terrible, and it came out sounding more like "your mother sucks cocks in salsa."

"But I was paying attention." Garfield mumbled.

"Sure you were." Raven said with a smirk as she took out her black notebook and started writing.

Raven: Gar....Logan...noon...boomerang off a cliff...

"See? You're not even paying attention."

"At least I know the answers.

Carving the answers into your wrist with a hairpin and knowing them are two different creatures, Raven.

Now shut it! I'm busy." Raven said as she finished scribbling. She re-read the poem that she had just written, and thought it was okay. 'Darkness is everywhere.

Oh shit, she's been plagiarizing the works of Xehanort.

It haunts the corners of your mind.

It's the thing that keeps you up at night.

When you least expect it.

Darkness will arise.

Darkness is blamed for many things.

Oil spillage, truck bombings, cyber-terrorism--oh wait, that's Project AFTER.

It's blamed for why you've cried.

It's blamed for the things that it's never done.

What about all the toes that have been stubbed because it was too dark to see at night? What about all the objects have have been tripped over because the darkness obscured your vision? Huh?! You think darkness is some blameless, pure creature? You don't know what you're talking about! I hope someone shines a flashlight in your face and you have to blink a couple of times to clear your vision, you bourgeois bitch!

Things that it's blamed for,

It's never done, and it never could.

And people fear the dark.

But darkness is just misunderstood.

Like Roman Polanski.

Because people do not fear the dark.

They fear what may be lurking in it.

Like Roman Polanski.

Each night this fears is confronted.

But for most it lingers through the years.

And is only banished at dawn.

Is this thing still going? Jesus, how long can one wangsty goff wax poetic about darkness?

When the light shines through

And conquers all their fears.'

...and fills their dark souls with LIIIIIGHT!!!

Raven wasn't the only one day dreaming. Kori was sitting in French class, bored to death. They were going over how to conjugate the verb amor. For the thirty thousandth time.

'Course it's really their own faults, because had they learned to conjugate it correctly the first fucking time...

"Don't forget to write this all down class!" Madame Louise said.

"We've gone over this like, twenty times! What's the point of doing this?" Camile said.

I thought it was thirty thousand? Damn this story and its inconsistent writing!

"It never hurts to review Camile! Now copy down the notes!"

"What's point? It's not like I'm ever gonna talk to someone in French!"

"Then why exactly are you in this class?" In response to that, Camile and all her friends (Mandy, Lilly, Michelle, and bunch of other supposidly loyal followers) in that class started giggling (they were all female) like crazy.

They had, once again, shown up to class stoned completely out of their minds and found any random comment from any random, unnamed character (I like to think it was Anonymous Racist again) absolutely hilarious.

Everyone in that group knew why she had taken French.

As part of her training to become an MI5 intelligence operative working deep undercover in Vichy France.

"Okay Camile, if you know this so well, then tell me the present progressive of the verb, amor."

"Umm...Um..."

Correct! Ten points to Gryffindor!

"See? It never hurts to review. Now can anyone tell me the correct answer?" A bunch of kids in class raised their hands, including Kori, and Dick who was in the class (Now think about why Camile aka Kitten, would want to take this french class).

So that she could have an opportunity to brutally dismember the both of them when they least expected it and rebuild them, mixing their respective pieces together to create two unfortunate bi-gender hodgepodges!

Don't fuck with me, Narrator.


"Uh...Raven? Raven?" Garfield said waving her hand in front of her face.

"What?" She said as she snapped into reality.

"Class was over five minutes ago. You've been staring into space the entire period."

I think we just fell into a time vortex and reemerged an hour into the future. Either that or this story doesn't know how to do a FUCKING SCENE TRANSITION.

"Five minutes ago? Doesn't that mean that we're late?"

"You might be late, but I'm not. I've got a free period remember?"

"I hate you."

"I know." Garfield said as he smirked and ran off laughing.

"Dammet! Now I"m late!"

For someone who's supposedly hyper-literate, Raven sure as shootin' can't spell "dammit" to save her life.

Raven said as she quickly ran out of the room, and toward the math room, her next class.

Bee was walking out of English class. Unfortunately for her, Terra wasn't in that class.

She was thus unable to shoot bullet bees into Terra's flesh.

I've recently decided to pretend that Bee is The Pain, you see.


And also unfortunately, she couldn't find either Kori or Raven. She was lost in thought on to where her next class was, and where Kori and Raven were, when she ran smack into someone.

That someone was the Juggernaut. Bee's life came to a sudden (and messy) end at that very second.

"Girl! Watch where you're going!" Victor said as Bee crashed into him.

"So-rry. Not like you're lookin either or you wouldn't have run right into me." Bee complained.

"ME? Run into you? You ran into me."

"Yeah whatever."

"Stupid new kids..." Victor mumbled.

"Stupid jock...Think they run the school..." Bee mumbled,

I thought da fukin prepz thought they run the school? Man, this has the potential for a mildly-interesting school-based political hierarchy drama.

Mildly interesting compared to what's actually going on, I mean.


then she saw Kori in the hallway. "Kori! There you are! I've been looking everywhere for you!

Bee's awfully codependent, isn't she?

Do you know where Carnegie's classroom is?"

"Yes! That is my next class!" Kori said as she led Bee to the class room.

"How's the teacher?"

"An evil demon from hell." A voice said. The two girls turned and saw Terra standing behind them.

Her eyes brimmed with tears, and her torn clothes and soiled shorts made it painfully clear that, once again, Mr. Carnegie had raped her up the pooper.

"And you are?"

"Terra. Who are you?" Terra answered.

"This is Bee! She is a new student from New York!" Kori answered.

"New York? I've been there. Real nice place.

A subtle clue to Terra's true identity as Khalid Shaikh Muhammad?

Good ta' meet you." Terra said.

"So this teacher's an evil demon?" Bee asked.

"Depends who you are."

I'm sort of entertaining the fantasy that Carnegie is actually Diablo, and that he and Bee are going to wage an epic battle of video game antagonists. Stuff like that helps me get through these things. Like when I was reading Twilight, and midway through one of the thousands of endless car-driving conversations I started fantasizing about the Shagohod running them into the ocean.

Around lunch time, the group met up outside. Well, most of them. Victor was late.

And this story's just become about mpreg. Wonderful.

Dick, Kori, Terra, Raven, and Garfield were standing around talking. Bee was reading something.

Bee: Man, I just cannot get enough of Org's Odyssey!

"Hey Bee, what are you reading?" Raven asked.

"It's a letter from my dad. He sent a letter up here early, so I'd get it when I got here." Bee explained.

"What does the letter say?" Kori asked curiously.

Bee: Oh, you know, DNA tests were negative, blah blah blah, I've got no reason to support you anymore, yap yap yap, start selling your body to pay for your tuition...

"He's just asking me to send him a letter about how school here is, have I met any new friends, is there a dance..blah blah...you know, typical dad stuff." Most of the group went silent. "You know what I'm mean?"

"Yeah..." Terra said softly, but the other's didn't answer. None of them really mentioned their parents. Ever.

Sucks when your student body is 98.4 % orphans. Jefferson Co-Ed Boarding School sounds like the must depressing fucking campus on the planet.

"Where's Victor?" Dick asked, changing the subject.

"I dunno. I saw him talking to the football coach after gym." Garfield said.

"That's like all the guy thinks about, football and cars.

That and complaining about the buffet spread not being convenient enough.

Does he ever do anything else?" Terra asked.

"Aside from torturing me?"

"I thought that was my job! Aww...I've got competition," said Revolver Ocelot, twirling a Single Action Army idly as he thought about all the ways to make Victor "disappear."

Seriously, if this story doesn't start telling me who's talking...


"Very funny. The guy just doesn't have a girl to keep his mind off things."

"Excuse me?" Bee said in an offended voice.

"Excuse you what?"

"You said, 'he doesn't have a girl'. Whethere or not he has a girlfriend, you can't have a girl. A girl is not an item you can posses. WE'RE LIVING BEINGS." Bee said in an annoyed tone.

Just when I was thinking "How can this story possibly get any less tolerable," it goes ahead and outs one of its characters as a militant feminist. I can't wait for the inevitable chapter where Bee steals the bras of all her friends and torches them in the quad.

"She's a bit of a feminist, ignore that." Raven said.

Suddenly, Victor ran up toward the group. "Sorry I'm late, the coach just wanted to talk to me about-" Victor started to explain, but then he saw Bee. "What are you doing here?"

"ME? What about you?" Victor protested.

"What? Do you two have issues with each other or something?" Dick asked.

"Yeah." Victor said, and Bee nodded.

That kind of mid-hallway collision can leave deep, lifelong animosity between two people...

"Good! Now Victor has a date to the dance!" Garfield said.

"WHAT?" Bee and Victor expolded exploded.

No, it makes perfect sense. He's black, she's black--why, it's a match made in heaven.

Expolded!


"I am not going to the dance with the feministic bumblebee." Victor said.

"Well, I wouldn't go to the dance with you even if you asked me."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

That last comment I made wasn't a joke, by the way. They're black, so naturally, they're going to be paired.

"Why? Am I not-"

"Does anyone know where Raven went?" Kori asked.

"She was here just a minute ago." Terra said.

"I'll go look for her." Garfield said as he walked away.

"He would." Victor laughed.

"What? Does he like her or something?" Dick asked.

"What do you think?" asked film director Peter Jackson as he reviewed the script for The Hobbit with tears in his eyes.

"I get it. C'mon guys, let's go get some lunch." Terra said.

Garfield looked in Raven's room. She wasn't there. She checked the places she normally hung out. She wasn't there. Finally, out of places to search, he decided to return to the dining hall. He walked in with a look of defeat on his face.

Gar: If she's not here, I'm going to hang myself. And I mean it this time!

"I couldn't-" He started, but then he saw Raven sitting at the table, talking to Kori.

"Raven! Where were-"

"She's been there the entire time. I dunno where she went. She refuses to tell us." Terra said.

Raven flashed the box cutter behind Terra's head and made a throat-slashing gesture, winking at Beast Boy.

"It's none of your business where I went." Raven snapped.

"Someone's touchy." Bee said.

"Hey Speedy! You finally caught up with us!" Victor said as Speedy walked over to the table and sat down.

Sort of ironic that someone named "Speedy" would have trouble keeping up...

"Who are you?" Terra asked.

"Speedy." He answered.



"He's our new roommate." Dick answered.

"We've got a new roommate? Since when?" Garfield asked.

"Since first period."

"Great. One more person to complain about early mornings."

"Gar, might I remind you that you're the only one who does?" the Janitor from Scrubs pointed out as he swept his broom across the linoleum tiling.

"Oh Dick...A voice said from behind him. The group turned and saw that it was none other than Camile (hence forth known as Kitten).

I don't understand why this story didn't have the self-confidence to refer to the character as Kitten from the get-go--since, after all, it was established to be her pseudonym much earlier--but hey.

"What do you want?" He answered.

"You're taking me to tomorrow night's dance right?"

"Umm...let's see. A) You have a boyfriend already, B) No and c) I hate your guts, so WHY would I take you?"

That testicle-shrinking from the last chapter seems to be settling in--Dick's talking like a teenage girl from High School Musical.

"Because I want you to. And you know, considering I can have any boy I want, your pretty lucky."

"Will you just leave us in peace Kitten?" Kori asked.

"No way ya Indian freak." Kitten replied.

How anybody with red hair can be mistaken as Indian astonishes and confounds me.

"First off all, I'm from the Middle East, and India is part of Asia."

"Like we care."

Terra's Kuwaiti blood boiled at this insult, but she took a deep breath and reminded herself not to blow her cover.

"KITTEN. GET IT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULL-." Raven started to say.

"Yeah, I'm not taking you to the dance. I don't like you. I never have and I never will. Now will you leave so we can eat our lunch?" Dick said. Kitten shot a mean glare at Raven and Kori, but fortunately for our main characters, she walked away.

"Thanks for handing me your testicles under the table, Vic," Dick said with a smile. "You mind if I keep 'em for a little bit?"

"What the hell was that all about?" Bee asked.

"And what's with the name Kitten? I thought her name was Camile." Speedy asked.

Sorry Speedy--you weren't there when this was all explained, so you get to go without.

"She's the top of the social pyramid. Most popular girl in school. And Kitten is also a demon in teenage form." Garfield said.

Why is it that these kids label anybody they don't like as a "demon?" Were they all raised by Pat Robertson?

"Okay and what was with that whole thing with Dick?"

"She's had a major crush on him since like, forever, and won't leave him in peace. But as he said, he hates her guts."

Which Speedy could have figured out for himself if he had any higher brain functions whatsoever.

"I wonder why. The girl looks and acts like an idiot. And that's using nice language." Bee said. "And doesn't she have a boyfriend?"

"She's a story in herself."

The daughter of Irish-American immigrants, Kitten got her nickname from the copious number of cats that her PTSD-stricken mother owned. Kitten's father, a Catholic dock worker, was killed in Ireland during The Troubles, and her mother--six months pregnant with Kitten--was violently ravished by Protestant militants and left for dead afterward. She survived by feeding off the carcass of the family cat, Saint Francis, and, guilt-ridden over eating a beloved family friend, adopted each and every cat she ever came across after traveling to the United States.

"We'll tell you later." Raven said.

"Speaking of the dance, does anyone have a date?"

"No." The group answered together.

They were planning to just have a great big orgy instead.

"Wait, so Dick isn't going with Kori?" Terra whispered to Beastboy.

"What was that Terra?" Raven asked.

"I said, isn't Dick going with Kori?"

"Umm...I've got to get something from my room..." Kori said as she quickly got up and left the dining hall.

Kori: God, I hope I remembered to buy ammo. Well, I can always just pistol-whip Terra with it.

"You said that why?" Dick asked.

"Aww come on, we know that you know that she knows that you know that we know that she knows that you know." Garfield said.

He paused, and then his head exploded.

"Can you actually makes sense?" Victor asked.

"We all know that they like each other. DUH." Terra said.

"Oh that? Yeah, the whole school knows that." Raven said.

"Even I can tell, and I just got here." Bee said.

"Same here." Speedy said.

Ah, so Speedy is capable of picking up on SOME social cues!

"I told you that." Victor whispered to him.

"Okay, so I had help."

Whoops, spoke too soon.

"But the point is, everyone who walks into this school pretty much knows." Raven said.

"Are you crazy?" Dick asked.

"Last time I checked, no." Garfield said.

"And he checked yesterday!" Terra teased.

A gunshot cut through the air, the back of Terra's head exploded, and she fell face-first into her lunch (lamb shanks with potatoes au gratin, courtesy that bastard Mr. Wilson). At the entrance of the cafeteria stood Kori, and in her hand was a .500 Magnum--the largest and most powerful revolver in the world.

"Looks like I remembered!" Kori chirped cheerfully.


"Terra! You promised not to tell!"

"Dick, none of us are crazy. But you are if you're still in denial." Raven

"In denial about what?" Dick asked.

"That's it. I give up. The guy is hopeless." Victor said.

Words spoken by anybody who has ever tried to reason with Dakari-King Mykan.

"So none of us have dates?" Terra asked.

"I'm telling you! Bee should go with Victor! It'd be funny!" Garfield said.

Because they're both black, you see! It'll be hilarious to see two people of the same ethnicity go to a dance together! Almost as funny as Kangaroo Jack!

"I am-" But before Bee could protest, someone started speaking into the P.A. system.

"God what does that mental vice priniciple want now?" Victor said.

Priniciple!

"A) How do you know it's the vice priniciple and B) Who is the vice prinicipal." Bee asked.

"The vice prinicipal is the only one who uses the P.A. system." Garfield said.

Good to know somebody at that school browses Project AFTER.

"And who exactly is the vice-prinicipal?"

"When he got the job here, he just told us to call him Mr. C.. No one knows what it stands for.

A mysterious, withdrawn man who refuses to divulge his full name? What a perfect candidate for a school administrator who will no doubt interact often with school-aged children!

He's weirder than Mr. Wilson. A lot stupider actually. Only does what Wilson tells him to. Bit of blockhead if you ask me." Terra said.

"So what's the big messege?" Laurence Fishburne asked.

As if on cue, the voice on the P.A. system said, "And because of that, the Fall Dance will be reschedualed until Saturday."

Because of what?! Goddammit, you punk-ass kids, because of you I missed out on what happened to cancel the Fall Dance!

"Well that seemed pointless." Raven muttered.

"Why's the dance post-poned?" Terra asked.

"Why does it matter? None of us have dates."

"Now back to our original conversation. Why don't Bee and Victor go together." Garfield said, unleashing yet another arguement.

Arguement!

"FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT GOING WITH HIM! HE'S OVERLY OBSESSED WITH CARS AND SPORTS!"

And that makes him completely repulsive to the opposite sex!

"And don't forget technology. He's good at that too." Garfield said.

"He knows so much about him, we might as well call him Cyborg." Dick said.

Author: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA, omigawsh that's BRILLIANT! I'm going to get sooooo many reviews...!

"WELL I AM NOT GOING WITH A GUY WHO CAN BE NICKNAMED CYBORG!" Bee said.

Robocop, crestfallen, kicked his table away from him and fell into Gray Fox' arms as the two began to sob.

"Well I wouldn't want to go with a girl who comes to her first day of school looking like a bumblebee." cough i mean Victor complained.

That was intriguing. Did the author actually type out her cough?

"You think I can't look good with my style?"

"No. Not even if you get dressed up for the dance could you look good with your style."

"Is that a bet?"

"Yeah!"

"Why would I bother going if I don't have a date?" Bee challenged.

For the atmosphere? The snacks? The hope of scoring a one-night stand? All of the above?

"Well then go with me!"

"Fine!" Bee said.

"HAH! I knew you'd get together!" Garfield started laughing.

"What's wrong with going with someone?" Terra challenged, standing up.

Are they all going to have a Battle Royale-style shoot-out?

"Heh-nevermind." Garfield laughed nervously.

"Well that's two people, but the rest of us don't have dates."

"So why do you think that the dance has been postponed?" Kori asked as she sat back down at the table.

You'd have known if you'd shut your dumbass mouths for fifteen seconds, you teleporting whore!

"I can't figure it out. Maybe the principal and the vice are plotting against us. Maybe they're just going to keep postponing it." Victor said.

"Wouldn't surprise me." Dick replied.

"At least we have all of Saturday to prepare." Terra pointed out.

"You maybe. I'm not going." Raven said.

She's going to stay in her room, lizzin 2 GC an kut hurself.

"What? No one's asked you?" Garfield asked.

"No. Like they would. It's Kori who's getting invites left and right."

"I dunno bout that..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing...nevermind."

"Hey do you know what time the caf closes?" Terra asked.

I just love stories with no plot, no storyline and no visible action or anything interesting to grab my attention. Don't you?

"Around 8 why?" Kori answered.

"You'll find out."

Terra fingered the detonator on her suicide vest as she practiced saying "Allah Akbar" in her mind.

That night, Bee, Kori, Raven, and Terra were sitting in the middle of the room, pillows and blankets everywhere, planning an all nighter. For what one may ask? Gossip of course.

Gossip or a lesbian orgy. Both seem possible.

"I can't believe you managed to sneak this outta the kitchen." Bee said as she put a spoonful of heroin crack in her mouth hypodermic needle. Terra had went into the school's freezer and taken about 4 or 5 pints of chocolate ice-cream.

Nothing says "fuck me" like gaseous, bloated, diabetic teenage girls!

"It was easy. I do it whenever we wanna pull an all-nighter." Terra answered.

"So, Raven tells me that you're going to the dance with Victor. How did that happen? I thought you disagreed with him on many things severely." Kori asked.

"Oh we do. It's a bet. He thinks that with my bee style, I can't look good dressed up. Of course, I had to prove him wrong."

Bee: I'll wear a sequined outfit made entirely from hornets!

"Guys think they know everything."

"It's pretty pitiful isn't it?" Raven said with a smirk.

Laugh while you can--that ice cream is going to wreak havoc on your digestive tract, and you're all going to be crammed into a single stall peeing out of your asses while the boys, who had the good sense to not gorge on frozen treats, will be out inventing nuclear fission and rudimentary airplanes.

"Speaking of pitiful boys, what's up with you and Garfield?" Bee asked Terra.

"Long story." Terra said.

"When she came to this school-" Kori started to say.

"When Terra came here to this school, she instantly joined with our group of friends. She just likes to tease him for her enjoyment." Raven explained quickly.

The author seems to be confusing Terra and Raven's characters...

"But it's so funny!" Terra said.

"He's scared of you. How is that funny?" Raven asked.

"It just is!" Terra giggled.

Terra (short for Terrorist, it turns out--the perfect alias for Khalid Shaikh Muhammad) revels in the fear she spreads.

"It really is pretty funny." Bee agreed.

"You know what I think the question is? I don't think it's what's up with me and Garfield, I think the question is, what's up with Raven and Garfield."

"And what," asked Jerry Seinfeld, stepping into the room as a guitar's strings twanged on the soundtrack, "is up with boarding schools? I mean, I don't see a single loose board anywhere, do you? That's a bit of a misnomer."

"What are you talking about?" Raven said hesitantly.

"Oh come on! Don't tell me you can't tell that he's wanted to ask you to the dance since like, forever."

"Then why hasn't he?"

"He's shy! Even I can tell that!" Kori insisted.

All the men in this story are sackless.

"Speaking of shy, let's talk about you Kori." Raven said, taking the pressure off of her.

Inevitably, the pressure will return in the form of a pint and a half of rocky road bloating her midsection like there's no tomorrow.

"What do you mean?" Kori asked with an innocent look on her face.

"Why don't you have a date for the dance?" Bee asked.

"Yeah, you must've gotten an invitation from every boy in school!" Terra said.

"Or are you waiting for an invitation from someone, like, say, Dick." Bee teased.

"God it's so obvious you'd think they were going out." teased the Green Power Ranger as he rifled through their things looking for Power Coins.

"Or maybe they are?" Raven said with a smirk.

"Gosh no! I only wish!" Kori protested, then gasped as she realized what she had said.

"Now that wasn't so hard was it?"

"If I admitted who I like, then why can you not do the same Raven?" Kori said with the same smirk as Raven.

If I wanted to watch teenage girls gossip, I'd grab my binoculars and hit up that slumber party down the road.

"Okay that's it. You're going with Garfield if it kills us to get him to ask you." Bee insisted.

"If we get Garfield to ask her, then we'll have to get Dick to ask Kori." Terra whispered.

"Hey! I just realized something!" Kori said.

"What?" Raven asked.

"I have a gun, and the rest of you do not" she said cheerily, brandishing her Magnum. "So what say we get off the topic of who I want to boink?"

"They are insisting upon who we want to take us to the dance, and I understand Bee's reasoning, but what about Terra? She does not have a date."

"Oh that's right. You don't have a date, do you Terra?"

They all began laughing at Terra's misfortune. Unable to withstand this emotional agony, she pressed her detonator and blew the entire girls' dormitory to oblivion.

"And that, las chicas, is where you are wrong."

"You're going with someone?" Kori asked.

"Since when?" Bee asked.

"You didn't tell us earlier, why?" Raven said.

"I was waiting for tonight." Terra answered.

"So who are you going with?"

"Speedy."

"Who is Speedy?" Kori asked.

Would you fucking pay attention for five seconds, you airhead?!

"He's the boy's new roommate remember?" Terra answered.

"Oh him? When did he ask you?" Bee asked.

"Right after seventh period."

"Wow, after only one day. Why does that seem odd?" Raven asked.

"It's not odd! It's a way for me to get to know him better!" Terra insisted.

So that she can break his heart that much more effectively, no doubt.

"Su-ure ." Bee said.

"No really!"

"Now think about that feeling of being tormented everytime you loom upon Garfield." Raven said.

She...loom...what?

"Point taken. Not something I plan on doing. It's too much fun tormenting him!" Terra laughed.

Those three thoughts have nothing to do with one another! I think the author's officially clocked out.

"Now back to my original statement, boys are pitiful." Raven said.

"And ignorant!" Kori said.

"Don't forget fun to torment!" Terra said.

"And chauvanistic." Bee said.

"And clueless..." Kori said.

So the girls continued bashing boy-kind and then continued gossiping.

Oblivious to the fact that the entire Supreme Court, who were listening in via a bug that they'd planted on Raven during one of her frequent excursions to the STD clinic, decided right then and there to declare the Nineteenth Amendment unconstitutional.

They didn't manage to stay up all night, but rather, they fell asleep around five. Blame the sugar high. They were hyper, and then they crashed. But the next day, Bee and Terra planned to start the plan to get Raven and Kori the right dates to the dance, if you know what I mean.

I sure hope it involves more idle conversation, chit-chatting, and plotless non-intrigue! Boy howdy, that'd be keen!

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Sep 22 2010, 10:50 AM


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post Jul 15 2010, 06:55 PM
I half expected a "I can turn darkness...INTO HALLOWED LIGHT!" joke.


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post Jul 15 2010, 08:31 PM
My god, even MY teenage life was more exciting than this! And I had no friends and never attended any school events. But then, this was back when my brother still lived with me.


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post Jul 16 2010, 09:58 AM
If the school is like, mostly orphans, then why is Bee here if she has a father?


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post Jul 16 2010, 02:36 PM
God, I couldn't get past the part with Raven's notebook.


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"That Ms. Paint is one classy Prospitian lady. She is the model of grace and beauty. I am always a bit flustered in her presence, especially when she carries her little pail around like that.

Whereas THIS lazy sack of crap here makes me sick to my stomach.

Cal, God damn it. We were all supposed to dress up for this. It doesn't look like you even touched that nice suit I sewed for you, let alone swapped your eyes with those billiard balls and make them alternate rapidly.

This insubordination is putting me in a foul mood. It's bad enough I just had to take Falcor out behind the woodshed and blow his brains out after he caught the rabies."


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post Jul 17 2010, 11:25 AM
QUOTE (Kuramastrassx3 @ Jul 16 2010, 10:58 AM)
If the school is like, mostly orphans, then why is Bee here if she has a father?
*

Because every school needs at least two token black kids so that their skin matches.


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post Jul 17 2010, 12:51 PM
Man, I never realized being normal was so BORING.


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post Jul 20 2010, 06:29 PM
Are you guys ready for a wild and wacky, hijinks-filled romantic comedy chapter? You sure as shit better be, because I did NOT sit through this colonic of a chapter so that nobody could fucking read it!

****

Chapter 3: Operation G.U.A.D.D.: Get. Us. All. Dance. Dates.

Original Japanese Title: "Make Me Over!!!" An Insurmountable Battle!

Stealing gags from Kids Next Door is only going to push you even farther out of my good graces, story.


The girls woke up somewhat groggily the next morning.

The first thing they all noticed was the unpleasant odor emanating from their behinds. The next was the odd, squishy sensation that accompanied their sitting up.

Raven looked at her alarm clock, and saw that it said 10:00 PM.

Good lord. When these girls oversleep, they fuckin' oversleep.

"DAMMET! IT'S 10:00!" Raven said.

Dammet!

"Girl, it's Saturday...go back to sleep..." Bee mumbled groggily.

"Right! Saturday! Bee get up!" Terra said.

"What? Oh yeah!" Bee said as she got up.

Don't Muslims have to pray far, far earlier than 10:00 PM? For a fundamentalist Islamic jihadist, Terra sure doesn't keep track of these things very well.

"Hey where's Kori?" Raven asked.

Almost in response, the bathroom door opened and Kori stepped out.

Of the entire group of girls, she was the only one who remembered to go to the bathroom instead of soil herself.

"How long have you been up?" Raven asked.

"Since about 8:30." Kori answered.

"How can you wake up so early?"

"I dunno..."

Memories of exploding shells and the dessicated corpses of her friends and family echoed in Kori's mind as she forced a goofy, naive grin onto her face.

They all got up and got ready. They all went down to the dining hall. It was Saturday, and the normal dining hall rules didn't apply.

Naturally, the kids could do nothing but complain about this refusal to maintain order on Saturdays.

Concidently, the four boys were also walking down to breakfast at the same time.

"I see we weren't the only people who slept late." Garfield said as they approached the girls.

"Or the only people who shat themselves," Dick added, glancing at the slightly-browned seats of the girls' pants.

"So why are you here so late?" Victor asked.

"We were up til about three." Terra answered.

"So do you think they'll postpone the dance today?" Speedy asked.

"Hopefully not." Bee said.

Idle Conversation: The Novel!

"Yeah, cuz then I'll win the bet." Victor said.

"No you won't."

"Yes I will."

"No you won't."

"Yes I will."

"Will you guys shut up?" Dick said. "It's too early on a Saturday to deal with this."

Misnomer: That implies that there's ever a proper time for this banal bullshit.

"He's right you know. Can't you agree on anything?" Raven asked.

"No." Bee and Victor said togther.

Togther!

"See? You can agree. You can agree to disagree!" Kori said.

"She sounds like a self-help guide." Victor whispered to Beastboy.

She must've been playing Final Fantasy VI this morning.

Later that day, most of the group was off doing something else.

When the girls asked why they needed a car battery, a set of jump cables and a leather bullwhip, the boys only looked at one another, flushed deeply and hauled ass out of there.

Raven was meditating in her room. It wasn't something she did often. It helped clear her mind. She never did in front of others though.

I'm getting the feeling that the author meant to use a different word than "meditating."

It was bad enough they thought she was a gothic freak. Deciding to take a break, Raven opened her eyes and started to strech. She was facing the direction of the door, when she saw a white piece of paper being pushed underneath the door.

Raven: Sideshow Bob needs to stop sending me death threats...

"Probably another late invite for Kori. I'll put it on her bed." Raven said as she walked toward the door and picked the folded paper up. To her surprise, it didn't say 'Kori' on it, like she had expected. It said 'Raven' on it. She opened it up. She read it in shock, then quickly opened the door.

Raven: It's from Ed McMahon! I may already be a winner!

"Garfield! Wait!" Raven called. He turned around and walked back.

"I-uhh-didn't know you were in there." He said nervously.

"Well I was."

Why the clouds of funny-scented smoke curling out from under the door didn't give that away is beyond me...

"Right-didn't know that..."

"Do you want my answer or not?"

"Uh-I guess."

"Yes."

Raven: Yes, I have accepted Jesus Christ as my lord and personal savior, now stop giving me fucking Chick Tracts!

"Damn..I should have known that you...wait. YOU SAID YES? You'll go to the dance with me tonight?" He said hopefully.

"Yes."

"YEAH! OH YEAH! IT WORKED OUT!"

"Where did you get the idea to send me a note?"

Woodward and Bernstein?

"Terra convinced me to. She was annoyed that I didn't have a date. I'm telling you, she could convince me to jump off a cliff."

Gar: She HAS, in fact. I've, uh. Been in the ICU for most of the past month...

"I'll have to thank her."

"Oh yeah, and she told me what you told her last night." Garfield said with a smile.

Gar: Personally, I'd have used hydrochloric acid to dissolve the bodies, but hey. You gotta work with what you've got, I guess.

"WHAT? Where is she?"

"She's in the library. For once."

"I'll talk to you later. I've got a future geologist to fry."

"See you!" Garfield said as he and Raven went off in opposite directions.

Raven caught up with Terra just where Garfield said he would be. In the library.

For once, that bastard's information was reliable.

"Terra." Raven said.

"Raven."

"Traitor."

"Witch." Terra replied, and started laughing.

Ha ha ha it's just like in the show lol i c wut u did thar

"So what did I do this time?" Raven merely smirked. It was an inside joke between them. Raven didn't trust Terra when she first entered the group, so as a joke, whenever Raven's mad at her, she calls her a traitor. Terra knows she means no offense, and in reply, she calls her a 'witch' which is an insult only used by Kitten and her group.

Their other greeting was a firm squeeze of each other's asses, but they don't do that when there are large groups present, and there was a Stephenie Meyer book signing in the library that morning, so...

"So what did I do this time Rae?"

"You told him."

Raven: Dammet, Terra, stop ruining the ending of Citizen Kane for people!

"And I told you I'd get you a date with him."

"Do you realize that I could have killed you for that?"

The hell? Where does this story take place, the Wild West?!

"Except for one thing."

"What?"

"I already knew that he liked you. He told me ages ago."

"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL ME?"

"Hey I didn't know that you liked him."

But you went on and on about it in the last chapter so clearly you DID know. Don't pull this shit with me; the other characters might be too stupid to see these plotholes, but I'm a cut above the rest, dagnabbit.

"True."

"And I did get you a date."

"At least know we've got one more person for our next plan." Bee said as she popped up behind Terra.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUGH!!!

"What plan?" Raven asked.

"We've gotta get Kori to ask Dick to the dance."

"Or vice-versa!" Terra pointed out.

"Yeah well I think we should get Kori to ask Dick. Less traditional."

And Raven will do anyfuckingthing to strike back at A Fiddler on the Roof.

"But Kori isn't in to the whole breaking tradition like that when it comes to dating." Raven said.

"True. But how could we get Dick to ask her?" Bee asked.

Cover him in bees and tell him that they'll all sting simultaneously unless he asks her out. That's how my dad's friends got him to ask out my mom.

"Wait! I've got an idea!" Terra said as she ran out of the library.

"What do you think she's going to do?" Bee asked.

"Do you really think I want to have an attempt at figuring out what's inside her head?" Raven answered.

Maybe not you, but the DCI would certainly love to.

"Point."

About five minutes later, Terra was coming back into the library, followed by Speedy and Victor.

"Can't this wait, Terra?" Victor whined as he fondled his assless leather chaps. "That car battery wasn't cheap, y'know!

"What about Garfield?" Bee asked.

"No. I don't think I'm gonna ask him, considering I just plotted against him. Besides, the guy can't keep a secret to save his life." Terra answered.

Really cost him big during his brief stint with the Mafia. I mean, REALLY cost him.

"So what's goin on?" Victor asked.

"And why are you plotting against Garfield?" Speedy asked.

"Look. We're here to get Dick to ask Kori to the dance. Are you in or not?" Bee asked.

"Conspiring against people? I'm in." Speedy said.

It's only conspiring against someone if the conspiracy is meant to be harmful to them in some way, you stupid girl.

"Same." Victor replied.

"So what's the plan?" Bee asked.

"And how are we involved?" Speedy said.

"You'll see." Terra said with a mischeivious (did I spell that right?) smile.

Kori was in her room, lounging on her bed, just finished reading a book. She looked at the cover again. It said, 'Princess Diaries IV: Princess In Waiting'

"Such a sweet ending...too bad it's just a book. Wish something like that would happen in my life." She muttered.

Oh, well this is just fantastic. One of our author avatars is Bella Fucking Swan.

Suddenly, she heard a knock on her door. She got up, and opened the door, to find Speedy and Victor standing there. "What are you guys doing here?" She asked.

"Dick told us to tell you to meet him in the garden out front." Victor said.

"Yeah, what he said." Speedy added.

"Why doesn't he just come here himself?" Kori asked.

"I dunno." Victor replied.

"That's what he said." Speedy said.

They both thought about Dick's dessicated corpse laying in shreds in his dorm room, and giggled to themselves, knowing that phase two of their plan to slaughter all of their classmates would be even sweeter than phase one.

"Okay, when?" Kori asked.

"In about 15 minutes."

"Sure." She replied in a slightly puzzled voice.

Fifteen minutes later, Kori was sitting on a nearby bench in the garden in the front of the school. A few mintues later, Dick walked up.

Mintues!

"So, what is it?" They both said at once.

"Me? Victor and Speedy told me that you said to come here." Kori said in an even more confused voice than before.

"But Terra, Bee and Raven told me that you said to come here." Dick said.

"But why would they do that?" Kori asked.

"I dunno..."

Robin placed his corncob pipe in his mouth, puffing on it thoughtfully. "But one thing is for certain, Watson--ill business is afoot."

Nearby, Victor had a video camera and was hiding behind something, video-taping the whole thing. "This is gold.." He said.

They aren't going to get naked, Vic. Just shut the damn thing off and go home.

"I think we've been set up Kori." Dick concluded.

"Set up?" She asked.

"Yeah, I think they're trying to get us to go to the dance together."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

They both laughed. "When are they going to figure out," Kori gasped between giggles, "that we're both gayer than the steel industry?"

"That seems like a silly way to do that..."

"But why should be let their obviously well-thought out plan fail?"

"Well thought-out?!" Every hack screenwriter and junior novelist in the industry's already milked this trite-ass cliche for every halfhearted chuckle that it's worth, and you call it "well thought-out?!" These kids have lower standards than Arizona State!

"What do you mean?"

"Do you want to go to the dance?"

"Of course!" Kori said with a smile.

Kori: Not with you, of course, but it would still be nice to attend!

"You know Victor, we can see you!" Dick called out to Victor, who hurried away quickly. "Now excuse me, I've got some friends to murder."

Dick: I thought we'd seen the end to this voyeurism bullshit of his after Wilson plugged the peephole in his bathroom stall...

"Same here." Kori said as the two went in opposite directions.

"Give me the tape." Dick said as he went into his room to find Victor, Speedy and Garfield watching it on the TV in their room.

"No way! This is funny!" Garfield said.

...Is there just...nothing else to do? Are they so wanting for activities that they have to get their jollies videotaping their friends acting awkward around one another? Do something, for Chrissake! Go somewhere! Get laid! Shit, get rip-roaring plastered if you really must do something with your time!

"I said. Give me the tape."

"No way!" Victor said.

"I can't believe you did that! Where did you even get the idea to-"

"It was Terra's idea." Speedy said.

"She has more of an evil mind than Raven sometimes." Victor said

Terra makes Count Logan look like a fucking criminal mastermind.

"Sometimes?" Garfield replied.

"How did you pull it off?"

How do you think, you mentally-castrated nincompoop?!

"So we got the two of you to meet, and then we figured that somehow he'd ask you." Terra explained to Kori.

"Or catch Victor and figure out what happened." Raven pointed out.

What the--no! You can't--no! No transition! No divider! Nothing to indicate that there's been a change in scene! How am I supposed to keep up with this crap?!

"Yeah, but it worked out anyway." Bee pointed out.

"Why did you do that?" Kori asked.

"Well it got you a date didn't you?" Terra said.

"That is true. I can't believe you managed to pull if off." Kori said.

Kori: After several viewings of the chick flicks with the likes of Terra and Raven, I have been absolutely convinced that any and all attempts at courtship are doomed to be an endless series of comedic errors and uninspired writing.

"Yeah, and now we got what we wanted!" Bee pointed out.

"What's that?" Raven asked.

"Dates to the dance!" "Thirty billion dollars in cash, and the remains of Big Boss!"

"And now all we have to do is get ready." Terra said.

"You do all have outfit's right?" Raven asked.

"Uh...yeah!" Bee said.

"I've had mine for ages." Terra said.

What, you didn't know that Khalid Sheik Muhammad used to be a Playboy Bunny?

"I've got an outfit lying around somewhere." Kori said.

"Good! Then let's get ready!" Terra replied.

"Get out any make-up, curling irons, and hair accessories you have!" Terra ordered and the girls began to get ready for the dance.

And we are (mercifully) spared that montage.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jun 27 2011, 07:01 AM


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post Jul 20 2010, 07:43 PM
This high school stuff sorta worked for X-Men Evolution (though it took me a while to warm-up to it), but not here. Why not just have characters that are loosely based off the Titans than take everything that makes them unique?


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post Jul 21 2010, 08:03 AM
Why do they keep insisting on destroying whatever admiration I had for this show?

Oh, and "Concidently."

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post Jul 22 2010, 07:01 PM
They insist good sir because they honestly believe making Super Heroes normal people is compelling and doesn't at all downgrade them and make it boring.


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post Jul 22 2010, 07:03 PM
Well, The Incredibles did it. Sort of.

God, this is like Twilight with more people... and no vampires.


This post has been edited by Kuramastrassx3: Jul 22 2010, 07:03 PM


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post Jul 22 2010, 07:26 PM
QUOTE (Kuramastrassx3 @ Jul 22 2010, 08:03 PM)
Well, The Incredibles did it. Sort of.

God, this is like Twilight with more people... and no vampires.

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Twilight with no vampires is Twilight.


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