Alright, since finishing TTHSM right now is sorta in bad taste and I don’t want to do another chapter of that Megas one today… here we go.

This is the sequel to The Conquering Koopa, which was hosted by my good forum-going buddy YTB, and I’m sure it’s full of just as much suck, if not more.

Let’s move it, people~

My senses slowly began to ignite themselves within my mind and I felt myself return to life, the sensation was jarring and disorienting,

Construction guy: Did you see that sign that said “2014 incoming freshman orientation parking?” I don’t think they should be encouraging people who are disoriented to drive.

where was I, what had happened, how had I gotten where I was? The oddest sensation was the weightlessness I felt as I seemed to float in a void of nothingness and as I slowly opened my eyes to see nothing, or to be more precise a lot of white nothing.

He’s in the Mu – the void, the empty nothingness between worlds? [/Negatokyo reference]

My mind raced as it tried to wrap itself around the situation I had found myself in, there was nothing and yet it felt as though everything was just beyond the edge of my sight, there as more to this place than what I could see. The most confusing aspect was being suspended by some unseen force and the fact that no matter where I turned it seemed I was upright, there was absolutely no directional orientation in this place, no sense of distance or time, just white in every direction.

Sounds like he’s in one of those regeneration tanks from DBZ, and he’s blind. Here’s to hoping!

After a few minutes it really began to tax my mind having no incomeput

and he went directly to jail. He did not pass Go, he did not collect $200.

to function on beyond my own thoughts, thoughts that mostly consisted of having to get home to find out if Wendy’s was hurt or not, or if there was even a Mushroom Kingdom left to come back to considering Ludwig's warning just before… before… waking up here.

The question at hand was how was I going to get out of a place that seemed to have no beginning and no end,

A circle!!

I learned that one on Jackie Chan Adventures.

there was nothing to use as a point of reference for was I was, where I was going, or where I needed to… be. As I floated there thinking about my situation I noticed something in the distance, a green dot from what I could tell and as I continued to watch it occurred to me what I was looking at was getting steadily closer… no… I was moving! It took a moment for me to feel the movement of my body but I was not only moving but I was picking up a lot of speed.

Well, as long as he puts it back when he’s done…

In a matter of seconds the object I was moving towards came into focus and I could see a large field of lush green grass dotted with red capped mushrooms dotted with white speckles, it was the Mushroom Kingdom I was headed back… oh shit…

They knew he was the one who infected the shrooms with E.Coli. And they were waiting for him.

I was headed back alright and it seemed I was really moving too. Before I could even brace myself I exited my original location and found myself flying a good fifty feet above the ground in an arc that was actually moving slightly higher, apparently I had been ejected from where ever I had been like a cannonball and it occurred to me that when I hit the ground I was likely going to end up in traction from the force of impact.

“Roxanne, please don’t forget me, I will return some day
Though I may be in traction when I do”

Despite the impending contact with the ground I watched the landscape below me pass and noticed it was actually a rather lovely scene, the field itself was dotted with a variety of red, yellow, blue, and white flowers and the tree limbs were filled with full green leaves that seemed to sway in the breeze.

There are no trees in the Mushroom Kingdom! Just those creepy-eyed mountain things.

When my soaring eagle impression began to come to end as the ground began to rise up with increasing speed I crossed my arms, braced for impact… and then I landed. The moment I touched down my entire world was thrown into a rapid spin as I began to tumble across the ground with such a velocity that I actually became slightly airborne several times and began to understand what it felt like to be a stone that was skipped across a pond. The brief glimpse of an approaching tree line was the only thing I was able to see before my landing came to a sudden stop against a tree trunk with a loud THUD and a flash of white as the side of my face slammed into the bark. My body slowly crumpled to the ground and I just laid waiting for the pain to sink in so I could at least get an idea what parts of my body had been annihilated by the impact.

That was incredibly boring.

For several moment I just waited, then when I didn't feel the onset of the considerable pain I had been expecting I carefully opened my eyes, but before I moved I very carefully flexed my muscles a few times to see what response I would get and to my surprise everything still seemed fine. No pain, no feeling of broken or shattered bones, as I sat up I looked at myself carefully and to my amazement there wasn't even a bruise on my body, there wasn't- My mind froze in mid-thought as I looked at the tree in front of me, there in the trunk of the tree were impact stresses so deep in the bark and wood that you could make out the impression of a torso and the faint outline of both arms and legs, it was then I realized by looking at that image that the impact was so intense, so severe, that by all rights I should be dead, no human could survive an impact of that magnitude. So why was I still alive, and for that matter not even injured in the slightest. I had just hit a tree so hard that it should have killed me and yet here I sat no worse for the wear… what was going on?

Obviously, your ass just got saved by a vampire that just blew his cover.

Well I wasn't going to find out by just sitting here gawking at a tree and scratching my head, the first order of business was to figure out exactly where I was. I had gotten so wrapped up in the war that had just finished that I hadn't really had the time to learn the lay of the land, but from what I could tell I was likely somewhere in the Mushroom Kingdom or in simpler terms the heart of enemy territory. The main thing on my mind at the moment was getting the hell out of here and back to the Dark Lands before running into a pair of individuals I really wasn't in the mood to deal with, the problem was that similar to my previous location I had no idea where I was.

But you just said – AUGH!

The only things I could see at the moment was the tree line in front of me and the field behind me with a road some distance behind me, all of which stretch off into the distance in either direction with no end in sight so I decided it best to walk on the inner edge of the forest so I could conceal myself and keep an eye out for anyone I might be able to extract information from.

For the better part of an hour I walked along under the shade of the trees without noticing anything worth mentioning until I finally heard the sound of laughter in the distance and caught sight of a small group of people in the distance.

People? PEOPLE? In the MUSHROOM Kingdom?

They seemed to be situated in the field next to a small horse drawn wagon and as I drew closer I could see it was a toad family having a picnic… perfect.

Time for Alex to emulate his idol, Yogi the bear.

I decided to use a rather direct approach, but with a tactic that would be completely unexpected and so I walked out of the trees and moved towards the family in plain sight without any attempt to hide myself or conceal my presence. The father and child had their backs turned to me, but the mother who was facing them caught sight of my fairly quickly and let out a small gasp causing the others turn and face me. Their reaction was exactly what I had hoped for and as the child clung to the mother I stopped a few feet away from them.

"Good day citizens, it seems I've managed to lose my way would you happen to know in which direction the Dark Lands are?"

For a moment it seemed like they were waiting for me to attack but when I didn't the father pointed behind me.

"A-About twenty miles that way."

Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz… is it over yet?

Without another word I turned on my heel and walked back into the trees. Using an unorthodox approach such as being polite when someone expects you to attack is one of the many methods of psychological warfare and that little episode should definitely leave them wondering what the hell I was up to. The other reason behind what I had just done was that if I had tried to use intimidation techniques of fear tactics they'd likely go running off and tell the first person they met and before long I'd have the brothers hunting me down and it's not a good idea to engage such a dangerous enemy when you don't even know exactly where you are, not only does it give them the home field advantage but it also leaves you open to a whole host of unfriendly surprises you may not be aware of until it's too late.

NO ONE CARES.

The fact my presence in the Mushroom Kingdom alone was now known was something that hastened my pace through the woods.

I could see in a way why Bowser wanted to conquer the Mushroom Kingdom, it was lush, green, and fertile in comparison to the volcanic ash of the Dark Lands. From what I had seen of it during the Stinit War I hadn't seen any agricultural plantation but then I doubt the land could have supported it. It was actually quite peaceful in the woods,

until Geno attacked him like the fuckin’ hardcore motherfucker he is.

a gentle breeze blew through the trees rustling the leaves as I made my way though the paths that were dappled with small streams of light were the sun had broken through the canopy overhead. I'm not sure what brought my attention from my thoughts the woods around me but I suddenly noticed that we woods weren't just peaceful, they were completely devoid of all the noises one would normally find here, no birds, no animals rummaging through the underbrush, there was nothing at all.

Because the animals can hear you coming, you fucking klutz.

Either that, or I’d say the author’s been reading Eclipse, because Jacob made a comment like that once. And he asked Bella if she noticed and she was all like, “lolwut?”

The more I thought about it the more it began to unnerve me as the sound, or lack thereof, was unnatural.

By midday, which I determined by the position of the sun, the trees had fallen away leading into another field and though I couldn't see the Dark Lands themselves I could see the thick cloud cover in the distance that was the ever presence sign of the Koopa domain, well that and the turtles off to my left that seemed to be constructing something that involved

eating a shitload of pizza.

digging up a lot of dirt. I was about to continue on my way when I noticed that the turtles who were working had stopped what they were doing and seemed to be rather intent on staring a hole through me, they were looking at me with the most wide eyed expression I had ever seen and so I decided it best to see what all the gawking was about and made my way towards them.

"So is there any reason you're trying to stare a hole through me or is it just my dashing good looks that have you confounded?"

Yeah, okay, whitey.

"Y-You're back." One of them said.

"Well of course I'm back, what kind of idiotic comment is that?"

"He's back." Another repeated.

"Okay this conversation isn't going to go very far if you all stand there acting like parrots, what the hell are you talking about? For that matter what are you doing, digging a mass grave for Stinit corpses?"

"Stinit corpses? Why would Leonardo DiCaprio be digging graves for them?"

"Oh gee I don't know because we just got through wasting a whole army of them? We can't just leave them to get ripe in the sun."

But then you could put them in that lovely fruit salad~

I could tell by the expressions on their faces that there was something that was either confusing them or something that I was missing but I couldn't tell what, more than anything they seemed confused by what I was talking about.

"Alright what's going on? Out with it."

There was a long pause before the lead turtle swallowed hard and spoke, "I don't know how to tell you this sir but… the Stinit War, the war was almost six years ago."

GODDAMN ARGH EAOHGSJKBN.AEKSJAGHZ

That’s the same length as the timeskip in Artemis Fowl, if I’m remembering correctly. Fuck you.

There are no words to describe the sensation that suddenly took hold of me except to say that I went cold as my knees gave out and I stumbled backwards onto the ground.

"Six years? That's impossible, how? I was just in the lab with Ludwig, we were trying to use a machine to seal the Stinits into their own dimension no more than a few hours ago."

"I know, I was one of the mechanics assigned to building the machine," the lead turtle said, "I promise you sir I'm not making this up, what reason would I have to say something like that if it weren't true.

Because you like dicking with the human?

If I'm not being too forward where have you been?"

"Wha- I- but- I don't know, I swear to god I don't know I have no memory for almost six years of my life- oh god, Wendy, what about Wendy?" I asked looked over.

"Bowser and most of the remaining Koopa Troops scoured the land looking for you for more than a year before they finally declared you dead, Wendy, she kept looking, she kept searching for you for three years sir."

As I sat there trying to wrap my mind around the fact that in what seemed to be a few hours close to six years had gone by, six years I had no memories of one of the other turtles learned over and whispered something to the one in front looked over.

"What, what is it?" I asked.

"I don't think it's my place to say, you need to talk to Wendy, not just to let her know you've returned but there have been… changes, since you disappeared, changes you're responsible for."

With my mind still in a tailspin I thanked the turtle who had told everything and continued to make my way towards the Dark Lands trying my best to figure out how I was going to deal with things when word reached Koopa Castle that after disappearing for almost six years I had just shown up like nothing had happened. I don't even remember much of the walk to the border of the kingdom but it seems word hadn't travelled, it had warped, I wasn't even a quarter mile back on home soil before I could see what looked almost like an entire division of the Koopa Military was on an intercept course for me. As they came closer I could see Bowser was leading them and the army was actually his personal guard that accompanied him out of the castle most of the time.

Why Bowser be carin’ so much fo’ this ho, dawg?

I really didn't have any idea what to say so when we were less than two length away from one another I just stared at Bowser with a blank expression on my face and to my surprise he didn't seem angry, in fact his expression was almost as blank as mine save for a hint of curiosity and confusion. After about a minute of sizing one another up he was the first to speak.

"Well?" he asked.

Alex: It came back positive. I’m pregnant.

"I swear to god I don't know."

Although it took several minutes and a number to interruptions with Bowser asking a few questions of his own, I finally explained my situation and I could tell that he was having trouble believing me but without any other explanation, and the fact this was imaginative even for a writer he knew I was being straight with him.

Not really. I bet he’s read Artemis Fowl and that’s why he doesn’t believe you.

He turned to leave for the castle again when I risked asking a rather sensitive question.

"Is Wendy alright?"

"Why don't you ask her yourself?" he said, never slowing down.

Because?

As the Koopa Guard began to leave with Bowser and their ranks began to thin as they turned and reformed I finally saw Wendy, she had been standing almost directly behind Bowser who was more than big enough to block my view of her and what I saw… what I saw wasn't something I was anywhere close to prepared for. At the close of the Stinit War when I had first met Wendy she a little more than a head shorter than me with a cute but slightly chubby figure, now… The koopa standing in front of my was almost the same height, her figure had shaped up quite curvaceously, and she had grown into at least a C-cup.

OH, WHAT an accomplishment.

Time seemed to freeze when our eyes met and more than anything I was afraid that she would be angry and want nothing to do with me, but when I looked closer I could see she was as scared as I was.

"You really don't have any memory of the last six years do you?"

"No, what I told your father was true in my mind the Stinit War ended hours ago, not years. I swear to you I'm telling you the truth why would I lie?"

Because you’re a goddamn filthy sack of shit and a clone?

"Because you got bored, grew tired of being with me?"

"No, never, six years may have gone by but my feelings haven't changed Wendy, I still love you as much now as I did then. When I got back coming here to see if you were alright was my first thought."

See. He first tried to figure out where he was and why he wasn’t dead.

Without saying another word we walked to one another, embraced, and I held Wendy as close as I could relieved that she still wanted me, my worst fear since learning so much time had passed was that she had moved on and found someone else.

"Alex." Wendy said.

"Yes love?"

"Do you remember when I told you I had something important to tell you?"

"Now that you mention it I do, what was it?"

Pulling away from me slightly she looked at me and it seemed as though she was still worried about something, but what I had no idea. She finally let go of me and turned to a small group of soldiers I could only guess were her personal guard who had stayed behind and bent down on one knee.

"You can come out now, come on Clawdia."

Named after her mother. Right.

I still stand by the theory that ever since the first time, Peach gets kidnapped on purpose, and she is actually the mother of all of Bowser’s children.

Super Mario Sunshine is canon, people, however much you may not want it to be.

The soldiers parted and when they did I froze, rooted to the ground where I stood. There in the crowd of soldiers was a child, but unlike anything I, or likely anyone else, had ever seen. Her body was covered in the telltale orange Koopa scales with three fingers and four toes that ended in claws but what I couldn't look away from, what I almost couldn't believe, was her face, she had a human face and my god her hair… her long curly hair was… was… white!

So it’s a Sue. Let’s burn it!

Also, how did he never notice he got his girlfriend preggers? Way to be inattentive.

"Oh my god," which seemed to be an increasingly used phrase recently, "Wendy is she…"

The little girl who was staring at me as much as I was her walked up next to Wendy with her deep blue eyes still fixed on mine and Wendy turned to face me with one arm around the child.

"Alex I want you to meet Clawdia Wendy Koopa… your daughter."

The six year dilemma that had perplexed me until now wasn't even a factor anymore as I stared at the little girl in front of my trying to figure out what to say, what to do, how to react, my entire world had just been turned on its ear and I didn't even have the slightest idea of how to respond, had this been a cartoon this would have been the point where my jaw hit the ground with a loud metallic clang. I was doing my best to put together some sort of response to this when Clawdia opened her mouth and said everything for me.

"Daddy?"

Clawdia: You’re a douchebag.

To hear a child call me daddy almost brought me to tears and kneeling down in front of her I nodded gently.

"Yeah it's me," I almost choked out, "it's daddy baby girl."

"Where did you go daddy?"

Hell.

"I wish I knew honey I honestly do but I can't remember."

"Then you're not mad at me?"

"Why would I be mad at you?"

"Cause you left, I thought you left cause I did something to make you mad."

"Clawdia Wendy Koopa I don't ever want to hear you say that again. I didn't leave because I wanted to I was forced to and it just took me a long time to get back. I didn't even know Wendy was pregnant at the time so there is no way, NO WAY, you could have done anything to make me mad. For that matter even if you do make me mad there's nothing you could ever do to make me leave you got that?"

I didn’t even read all of that, all I know is that he’ll make a great parent for yelling at a kid who assumed something logical (for them). Also, does she know what pregnant even means?

"So you're my daddy for ever and ever?"

"For ever and ever."

Yup. Author’s definitely read Twilight.

"I love you daddy!" she said as she threw her arms around me.

One down, 13 to go.