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> Saiyaman, Saiyaman / Does whatever a Saiyan can
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post May 3 2010, 04:35 AM
Wow. It's been a long time since I've done a mock. I guess there's no better time than while buried in homework, right?

Anyway, this one needs a little background before I begin. Roll back to 2006. I'm in sophomore English class along with my cousin. The teacher gives us a simple assignment: Write a short romance story.

I don't really remember my story. I think it was about a failed romance between an Author Avatar and some girl I named "Rowena". I don't know if I still have it and it probably sucked, but it wasn't a fanfic, so who cares?

My cousin, in all his wisdom, decided to write a Dragon Ball Z fanfiction, which is what I'll be mocking here. He apparently thought this thing was good enough for him to write two sequels, which are crazy as hell and I'll get to those sooner or later.

NOTE: None of this mock reflects my views on the author himself. He's actually my friend and a pretty cool guy. I just think some of his stories are, well, lacking.

On with the mock.


Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball z, GT, or anything else you can think of.

Well geez, that doesn't narrow things down at all. What do you own?

Summary: This is a new take on the character Saiyaman. It is a dark story that takes some parts and elements from BATMAN and SPIDERMAN. It's basically a story about Goku Jr becoming a cool version of Saiyaman.

Sorry, he meant to write SAIYAMAN.

There are some religious implications in part 2, but nothing too serious. The story is a romance/action story and I would appreciate some feedback on what you think.

No one wants to read feedback. We need jokes!

Any grammatical errors need to be pointed out if you see any.

Fortunately, I didn’t see any on my first read-through. Your fic is still gay, though.


Part 1

Goku Jr's heart burst every time he thought of Bella



Oh. Never mind, then.

lol, her name is “Briefs”.

He had completely fallen for her blue hair and green eyes and it ate at his heart ever since school had started.

Fuck the rest of her body, though. All he really wants is her hair and eyes so he can complete his woman suit.

That was in September. It was now February 12 and he still felt the same way about her.

Making the time skip completely pointless.

He was on his way home, going down Phillips Avenue, thinking about her, when he saw a woman getting mugged by two big men. They had beat her and run off with her money and valuables. Little did Goku Jr know that this would be the start of a great adventure in his life...

Goku Jr: “I want money and valuables too! I wanna be just like those guys!”

Goku Jr felt his blood boil as he clenched his teeth trying to control his anger. You see, he had witnessed this kind of crime many times and had heard about much worse crimes.

Like the 10-year-old girl who pirated music. What a bitch!

Every time he heard about one, his rage increased. What Goku Jr had just witnessed began to push him over the edge. He hadn't felt this kind of rage since he was in elementary. Goku Jr felt immense power flowing through his blood, his mind, and his entire body. With a scream, Goku Jr felt the power surge stop. Goku Jr took a look at his hand.

And realized he hadn’t masturbated in a long time.

No way! Is my hand on fire? I don't feel pain Thought Goku Jr with a wide-open mouth as he noticed a yellow aurora engulfing his hand. He looked around and found a broken mirror. His entire body shimmered with the golden aurora. His hair was on end in a blond color.

Also, he had baseball sized arms, a stand-out chest, and a triangle stomach.

How can this be? I must've not been thinking so clearly when I went insane as a child. With that last thought, Goku Jr ran on home.

Later that night, after returning to his original state,

Which was Kentucky.

Goku Jr was rummaging through some old stuff in the attic when he came across an old box. He opened it to find a bunch of old newspaper clippings. He was quite surprised at what he found.

Goku Jr: “’Black Man Becomes President’? That actually happened?”

"What is this stuff?" thought Goku Jr out loud. It was a bunch of newspaper articles about a super hero. He was called the Great Saiyaman, but Goku recognized him as grandma Pan's father, Gohan. The articles told of all his helping people and defeating evil villains. It was at this moment when Goku Jr began to form his plan.

Goku Jr: “I’ll use these newspapers to cover my face. Brilliant!”

"I must become Saiyaman," thought Goku Jr, "But not the one that people were used to seeing. It must be sleeker, darker, more powerful, and definitely not geeky."

Because darker and edgier is always better. Just ask Shadow the Hedgehog.

Goku Jr raced to his closet and began to rummage through his clothes. He had particulars in mind. He was looking for Black pants, black gloves, a black long sleeve shirt, black vest to store stuff and for looks.

And just the cutest matching black purse! Can you say “fabulous”?

Once Goku Jr found his stuff, he ran back up to the attic based on a hunch, after tearing open some boxes, found the boots that great great grandpa Goku had worn.

I never even watched Dragon Ball and I still had to correct you on that?

Then Goku Jr raced down to his room and pulled out and old black T-shirt and some scissors and cut out a black mask to cover his face. Goku Jr closed his door and put on all his stuff before taking a good look in the mirror before he got angry and transformed into his blond hair-on-end form. Goku Jr was more than pleased with the results. Saiyaman was going to have quite the return party.

Goku Jr: “I look like an oil spill that just lit on fire! Perfect!”

Goku Jr stored his stuff in a box and stuffed it in his closet. He then went and ate dinner with Grandma Pan.

"So how was School Today, Goku?" Asked Pan.

"OK." Replied Goku Jr.

"You still got a crush on the Briefs girl?"

Goku Jr: Not really. I’m more interested in the Bikini girl now.”

"I've been over that for a long time now." Lied Goku Jr with a blush.

"Anyways, enjoy dinner. I'm going out to a card class and I'll be back late."

Pan: “Grannie’s gonna win the big bucks tonight. Woohoo!”


As soon as Pan left the driveway, Goku ran for his bedroom. He went into his Blond Form and put on his costume. He opened the window and dropped to the ground with grace.

A recreation of Goku’s graceful exit.

After making sure that nobody was watching, He flew into the air and Hovered for a second.

I'm FLYING!!!!! How is this possible? It's all coming by Instinct. This is definitely a first for me. Anyways, I better patrol the streets. Lots of mugging happens around here.

He’s so exited he forgot the fucking quotation marks!

Just at that moment a woman's screams interrupted his train of thought. After locating the source, Saiyaman dropped below, behind a tree by where the villains were. Running faster than the speed of light, Saiyaman appeared behind the two men. The two men turned around and their eyes got big.

Villain: “Oh shit! It’s an oil spill on fire!”

"Your time is up!" Screamed Saiyaman as he kicked one of them in the jaw, knocking him out cold.

Wow. We’re already getting shitty one-liners. This guy is really getting the hang of it.

After delivering a slap to the other mugger's face, Saiyaman grabbed him by the collar of his shirt.

"Who are you?" Screamed the mugger.

"I'm the Goddamn Saiyaman!"

"I thought that Saiyaman was a good-natured hero."

One that… didn’t fight criminals?

"I'm a new Saiyaman. I'm not a cheery guy. In fact, I am the light in the darkness!" Screamed Saiyaman as he knocked the mugger out. He turned to the lady and told her to call the police and that he would tie them up.

Saiyaman: “And if anyone asks, you were saved by THE LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS!”

I must head to the capsule corporation. I must find Bella! I can feel my heart beat faster! She may be able to help out.

You get right on that, narrator.

After tying the two muggers up, Saiyaman went for Capsule corporation and land in the middle of a warehouse complex. Using some pretty cool stealth, Saiyaman managed to sneak into the building that Bella Briefs lived in. After sneaking down the hallway, Saiyaman snuck into the bedroom where Bella was located.

That was some pretty cool stealth indeed. The way you didn’t describe it at all. It’s like it snuck right by me!

What a bedroom it was! In one corner was a typical bedroom. In another was a personal theater. In another was an Olympic swimming pool.

And in the dresser, he found Bella’s Briefs! Get it?!

Goku Jr hovered to the top of the ceiling as Bella Briefs walked out of her bathroom door. The mere sight of her made Saiyaman's alter ego go a bit crazy in hormones.

Which were slam-banging, as he did not have a woman to put them in.

WOW!!!!! That is one fine woman. And She's my age! Her swimsuit really shows...Stop it. You have a job to do. Ask her Now.

Shut up, narrator. Goku saw her first.

Saiyaman dropped down behind Bella and she turned around and was about to scream.

"Don't scream. Don't call the Guards. I need your help, Bella Briefs.


"Your family has the greatest technology in the world. I need a better suit than this so I can fight crime better. This suit can be easily destroyed. I need the best suit ever made. How long would it take to make such a suit?"

"About a week of constant work."

"Thanks! I must leave now."

Bella watched with interested eyes as Saiyaman opened her window and flew into the night. She got the feeling that this may be a special guy.

Or that he’s a scary-as-fuck stalker who bursts into your room and makes ridiculous demands. Either or.


Uh, he never told you that was his name. Are you psychic?

Saiyaman got to his house and snuck through the window. His clock showed 11:30. Goku Jr put his costume in the box and hid it in his closet. He felt so tired and went to bed. Good thing He didn't have homework that night...

He gets tired at 11:30? Pussy.

Goku Jr barely woke up to his alarm in the morning and was eating his breakfast when he noticed that Pan wasn't talking.

"What's wrong?" Asked Goku Jr.

"Watch the T.V," She merely said.

Goku Jr turned to the T.V and saw tape of Him at Capsule corp. last night. The food fell out of Goku Jr's mouth.

Goku Jr: “That bitch ratted on me! I’ll kill her!”

"I know that was you, Goku. What were you thinking?"

"I was getting help from the Briefs. I thought that I had avoided all the cameras."

"You have no training. You have no experience. What can you hope to accomplish?"

Goku Jr: “Well the narrator said I had some pretty cool stealth, so HAH!"

"I will help those who need it. I won't let the innocent be picked on by criminals."

"You need a few new Techniques to continue your hero work, Goku. I can help you, but not any time soon. In a few weeks is when I have a free day to take you to Mount Pou for training."

Five days had passed since that morning incident had passed. Saiyaman continued to make the news and turn in many criminals. Goku Jr started to get luck and was talking with Bella at lunch and with puck during breaks and classes. Rumors spread about Bella that she liked someone of low social status.

So the Son family is of low social status. So much for that ”compensation” Mykan was talking about.

She denied that this was true, but that didn't matter to other people. Goku Jr also noticed that his science teacher, Dr Garlic, had been missing lately, which was also the time when a new villain appeared. He went by the name of Frieza and had destroyed a few military training camps. Goku Jr was sure that he would meet up with this villain soon.

Real creative names with your villains there, Broly.

Bella had invited Goku Jr to church that Sunday. Dressing in his best attire, Goku Jr sat in the middle row with Bella in the youth group room and they started talking.


"How was school this week?" Asked Bella.

"It was good," Responded Goku Jr.

"What do you think of This Saiyaman?"

"I think he's a true hero."

"He seems to be hated by some."

"Some heroes don't get positive attention."

"That's true."

That’s some amazing dialogue. It’s like that characters are lifting right out of the screen and talking in my bedroom.

Some time had passed when Goku Jr popped a question.

"Bella, will you be my Girlfriend?"

Bella turned to him with tears in her eyes.

Bella: “Do you smell garlic in here or is it just me?”

"Do you really mean it?" She asked.

"I don't want to hurt you and I'm not sure if that kind of relationship would last, but yes, I would like to be your boyfriend."

I love how nonchalant he seems right now. It’s like he’s asking for a pencil.

It was at this time that the power went out and people from the main sanctuary started screaming without rest.

"Do you love me?" Asked Bella.

"I...don't know. Will you be my girlfriend?"


They immediately pulled out their cellphones and changed their Relationship Status on Facebook. One minute of delay would have been absurd.

"Cool. I'm going to check out what happened in the sanctuary."

Goku Jr: “Apparently these people are too focused on the fucking power to watch our big romantic reveal! What jerks!”

Goku Jr ran out behind the church with his backpack and began to put on his costume after he transformed into what Pan called a super Sayian. He didn't care about a being a Sayian legend as long as he was helping people. Saiyaman flew to above the church and saw a lizard-like being flying around a hole in the sanctuary. Saiyaman dropped behind him. The creature turned around.

Freiza: “Oh shit it’s an oil spill on fire!”

"So, This is the great Saiyaman, I take it?"

"I'm the one who will kill you, you slime."

Freiza: “521.”

"You're no match for the power of Frieza!"

The two warriors immediately began to exchange melee blows at a speed far beyond the imagination of anyone. It was almost like a battle between gods.


The fight really started to heat up when Saiyaman instinctively started to throw balls of concentrated energy. They were hitting their mark and forcing Frieza to back off. Suddenly, Frieza fired an automatic weapon from his wrist, forcing Saiyaman on the defensive. Saiyaman leaped around the corner and hid for a second. When he looked around the corner, he saw Frieza heading for the youth group! Saiyaman took chase and found him going after the children. Saiyaman instinctively leapt and tackled Frieza to the floor. After a brief moment of wrestling, Saiyaman grabbed Frieza's leg and threw him through a wall to the outside. As soon as he ran out, Saiyaman caught a glimpse of Frieza flying away.



Saiyaman ran back to check up on the teens in the youth group. Bella ran up to Saiyaman with a look of fear.

"Don't worry. He won't hurt you." encouraged Saiyaman.

Now he’s referring to himself in third-person. Watch the ego, man.

"I wanted to tell you that your respect with the church youth group has grown considerably. We are honored to meet you," explained Bella quietly.

Goku Jr has obtained 5 REP Points with the Youth Group. Complete more Youth Group missions to get more REP points.

"Thanks. Be seeing you!" Said Saiyaman as he flew off into the horizon.


Goku Jr tried for days to tell her that he loved her and that he was Saiyaman, but he lost his nerve every time.

You are already her boyfriend, dude. How hard can it be?

Today he was going to give it one last try before he sought for help. He had walked into the hallway when he ran into many jeers from some seniors who were harassing Goku Jr because he was the boyfriend of Bella Briefs.

Because dating a girl is mock worthy?

Heads up Goku Jr! This is your chance to tell Bella you love her thought Goku Jr as he walked to Bella sitting at a table in the courtyard.

Heads up Broly! Thoughts still need quotation marks!

"Hey Bella!" greeted Goku Jr.

"Hey Goku!" replied Bella.

"How're your parents?"

"They keep working hard on the suit for Saiyaman."

"You have great parents. Really!"

"Thank you!"

'Bella, I have something to tell you."


Goku Jr: “I think I’m gay for Vegeta Jr. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you this sooner.”

Just as Goku was opening his mouth to proclaim his love for her, a man asked if He was Goku Jr.

"Yes, I am."

"Your Grandma Pan was found Dead."

Don’t worry, Goku. Just sacrifice the love of your life to Mephisto in exchange for Pan’s life. It worked for Spiderman!

With That, Goku Jr walked on home and spent two days in his room. He experienced so much emotional pain that he came down with a 102-degree fever.

He also cried like a little girl, but he would tell you they were “manly tears”.

In the late night of the Second day, Goku Jr got a phone call.

"Hello?" asked Goku Jr.

"Howdy Saiyaman! I just took your blue-haired friend from school and if you don't come rescue her, who knows what will happen." Jeered Frieza.

"If you hurt her, I'll make your demise slow and painful." Boomed Goku Jr in his Saiyaman voice.

A voice which I imagine sounds like Batman’s in The Dark Knight.

"Meet me at the top of the tallest tower at midnight if you want to see your friend again" sneered Frieza as he hung up.

Freiza: “Finally! My plan for the most elaborate suicide of all time is coming to fruition!”

Goku Jr ran his familiar route to his bedroom and was out the window in a flash. He was just putting on the mask as he landed on the ground. Midnight was in a few minutes. He had to go quickly if he wanted to be on time. Unfortunately, the fatigue and hot head factor really kicked in.

Darn! I must still have the 102-degree fever. I better be smart, because I'm only running on half-strength.

Moving at a rate still impossible for the human eye to detect, Saiyaman arrived at the bridge to see Frieza at the top, holding a screaming Bella by her arms.

"Let's test your reflexes, Saiyaman!!" Raged Frieza as he let her drop towards the water below.

Oh no! Water! That might sting a little!

Saiyaman immediately flew at Bella and intercepted her. As soon as Saiyaman dropped Bella on dry ground, a Flying Frieza grabbed Saiyaman by his shirt and threw him into an abandoned base on a small island 300 yards away in a large river.

Saiyaman braced himself as he was tossed through several cement walls into a base full of old tanks. Just as a groggy Saiyaman was recovering from the blow, a flame grenade exploded, catching his clothes on fire. Saiyaman rolled around, but the fire wouldn't go out. While still ablaze, Saiyaman ran out and dove in the water.

Making his oil spill costume more convincing than ever.

After a few seconds, he re-emerged out of the water and lied on the ground. Half of his costume was burnt off and the rest was torn and wet. The boots and the mask were completely destroyed. A sound caused Saiyaman to look up. It was Frieza, looking like he was ready to laugh, which he did.

Goku Jr’s laughing predictions skills are unmatched.

"I can't believe it would be this easy to destroy you, Saiyaman. You were such a pain before. Now you're child's play!"

The charity or the movie?

With that, Frieza kicked Saiyaman right in the gut, and then whacked him with his tail into a wall. As Saiyaman was getting up, Frieza fired his automatic weapons at him. As soon as Saiyaman tried to get up from that, Frieza pinned him onto the ground.

"After I kill you, I'm going to take my sweet time with your female friend and anyone else you care about. The city is mine now!"

Saiyaman felt his blood boil.

Fevers can have that effect.

He suddenly felt his full power coming back to him as his rage increased. Just as Frieza sent his tail at Saiyaman's throat, Saiyaman recovered and swung Frieza into a molding war tank. As Frieza was getting up, Saiyaman charged through a wall behind Frieza and smashed him away. When Frieza got up, he met the full force of an angry Saiyaman. Energy blasts and fists and feet flew way too fast for Frieza to stop. His shiny armor began to crumble and break down under the power of Saiyaman's attack. Just as Saiyaman was about to deliver the final blow, Frieza began to plead with his life.

"Goku Jr, it's me!" said a familiar voice.

Frieza pulled off his metal mask and his face shocked Saiyaman right out of his socks.

It was Old Man Jenkins. Trying to scare people off the land so he could steal the inheritance! Great job, Scooby!

"Dr Garlic? Why?"

"I was possessed by the spirit of Frieza. Frieza hurt all those people. I had nothing to do with it."


"How could I lie? I would never lie to you."


Saiyaman: “Also, you gave my last paper a C! You don’t understand my genius!”

"Please help me, Goku Jr."


"Burn in hell, Saiyaman!!" screamed Frieza as a swirling blade came from behind Saiyaman. Our hero dropped on his belly, avoiding the blade, which in turn cut Dr Garlic in half...

And so the Spiderman rip-off is complete.

Naw, just kidding. He’ll keep ripping Spiderman off throughout the series.

Goku Jr struggled to regain conscience as he staggered towards Bella, completely bruised and bloodied. He could feel his arms in the cold. Deep breathing was becoming difficult. Bella was right in front of him when he passed out, muttering her name along the way...

"Are you ok, Goku Jr?"


Goku Jr: “…Goth?”

Bella: “Nope, Bella Briefs.”

Goku Jr: “Damn it!”

Goku Jr woke with a start. He took a quick glance around the room. He was in Bella's bedroom, in Bella's bed. Bella was sitting next to him with a worried look on her face.

"I'm fine. I guess you know who I really Am." muttered Goku Jr.

Bella: “Sure thing, What’s-His-Face.”

"My parents as well. Don't worry about it. We won't tell anyone," promised Bella.

"I guess you know that I love you."

"Yes," said Bella as her eyes watered up.

"What's wrong?"

More garlic, geez!

"I thought that you had died. I thought that I had lost someone I cared about. I thought that my chance for happiness was taken away by ninjas."

"You'll never lose me to death on the battlefield, Bella."

Bella and Goku exchanged a hug then. They wanted the hug to last forever, and it would have if they hadn't heard the grunt at the door. Bella and Goku turned to see who was at the door.

"I hope I wasn't interrupting anything," said an older-looking man.

"Daddy!!" screeched Bella as she ran to hug him. After a brief exchange, Mr. briefs began to talk to Goku Jr.

"It's finally done."

"The suit?"

Mr. briefs: “Nope. My soufflé. Want a taste?”

"Yes," said Mr. Briefs as Bella ran up to Goku Jr.

"Do you really have to fight? Why can't we just forget about it and be together? Why do you have to risk not being with me? Why?"

Goku Jr looked at Bella as his new costume was wheeled in. After looking at it, Goku Jr said two words that put an end to any further questions that Bella may have had.

"It's who I am," he said as he went Super Sayian and donned his new armor.

That was four words, dumbass.

The shiny black armor made Saiyaman look considerably darker. He then put on his new stick-on mask and walked out of the room…

Now he looks like a badass oil spill on fire.


So to recap: Goku Jr obtains powers that he technically always had and rips off Spiderman.

Well, that's the end of Saiyaman 1, but stay tuned for more mocking action. Same Saiyan time, same Saiyan channel.

This post has been edited by T_K_17: Aug 13 2017, 11:58 AM

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Post #2
The Chosen

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post May 3 2010, 09:21 AM
This would make a great Full Life Consequences-esque G-Mod movie.

Cor cordis
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When I play the game, I get lost in a phase...

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post May 3 2010, 11:58 AM
My childhood died. Again.

And I liked Saiyaman for his nerdiness factor. :(

Like the moon over
the day, my genius and brawn
are lost on these fools.

Angel of music sings, I pull the strings like Gendo
I control your every move, like buttons on Nintendo

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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 19th August 2017 - 04:21 PM