Naruto: Ashbringer of Konoha, A WoW and Naruto crossover Options

[Lizard-Man]

Another day, another new mock. After Whiskey Tango’s oh so glorious train wreck I started to think about what I could do next. Specifically, anything not Titans related and has nothing to do with shipping... period. That unfortunately meant Avatar fanfics had to go. A shame, Avatar has some really crappy fanfics. I find that happen with all good shows, the better the series the shitter its fanbase’s fanfiction is.

So what do I find? A Naruto story crossed over with World of Warcraft... yeah I smell a crappy premise alright. Let’s dive in.

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Naruto: Ashbringer of Konoha

That sounds like a crappy job.

“Hey Jim you mind going out and collecting some ash for the village? That would be great.”

by animeman2008

Ch 1: Sword...err, Dagger of Light

No wait its actually the axe of light or the spear, or was it trident. Give me a minute I’ll figure it out.

Me: This is simply a rewrite of my child of the wild story.

A fanfic no doubt about a young Ted Nugent being raised by a pack of wolves, cementing his hunting spirit.

First half is copied from it, second half is an entirely different story.

So you half ripped off yourself then?

But I decided to make it more Warcraft then anything else.

Does this mean we’re gonna watch Team 7 grind for several levels by killing smaller tier animals like wolves and boars?

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The Naruto in this story is different from my others,

So he’s not an evil dick who decides to conquer the world? Yeah, his other stories have a crossover between Naruto and the game Overlord. Why? Cause.

he is like the title states, the wielder of the legendary sword, Ashbringer!!

Its has a +3 damage multiplier on undead and noobs and a 45 second lasting flame damage for every hit on enemies causing 30 damage each second. Its badass.

He will be raised in the with the night elves for the first five years of his life,

He’s lucky it ain’t the Dalish Elves from DA: O. They’d probably wonder whether to feed it to a bear or to a wolf considering their dislike of humans. He got fortunately ended up with the tree huggers of the WoW universe.

and then return to the village with the knowledge gained from living in with the night elves.

So if the trailer is any indication he’ll be able to turn into a panther now?

He will still be hated for the demon fox,

And his annoying tendency to blurt out “believe it!” of course.

but he's so...what better word for it...

Retarded?

happy, that he truly doesn't care anymore.

The elves pumped him full of their special brownies. Alright I apologize if any of you are elves in WoW and if I’m totally misrepresenting you, it’s just... well I prefer dwarfs.

Timeline is set before Burning Crusade,

Also known as the War of 1812. Thats where...

The White House burned, burned, burned! And us Canadians are the ones that did it! It burned, burned, burned while the president ran and cried! It burned, burned, burned and things were very historical! And the Americans ran and cried like a bunch of babies wah, wah, wah! In the War of 1812!

thus after the chunin exams,

So Sasuke is being a total ass at this time and betraying everybody for power? Got it, just making sure.

Naruto's going to Outland.

To participate in the Mortal Kombat tournament

He'll be able to travel to all of the captial cities and I mean all of them, Horde and Alliance.

He’s hacked the game... like Mr. T!

That's all I'll share for now.

Aww, I wanted to hear more pointless exposition you were gonna tell us in the story proper anyway.

For now, enjoy the story as Naruto slowly becomes the next Ashbringer.

We have to work our way up to cinderbringer first.

On with the story!!

________________________________________

Konoha, after the Kyubi attack...

Kinda like Tampa after Spring Break.

The sealing was a success, the soul of the great Kyubi no Kitsune had been sealed away into a child that the Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, had chosen to bear the soul of the demon.

Forever dooming the little brat to a life of ridicule and cruelty. Naruto had the best dad evar am I right?

The body of the great demon faded away into the wind,

So it’s made out of the same substance Nazis in video games are. Well makes clean up easier, still no Fox Demon burgers for lunch. That’s disappointing.

while the Hokage fell to the ground. He had given his soul to save his home, that was the downside of the Reaper Death Seal he had used.

”Giving up your soul is a downside.” Yeah, understatement doesn’t even begin to describe that sentence.

The surviving ninja had gathered around their fallen leader, and mourned the loss of their leader.

One guy quickly ruined the moment by calling dibs on his hat.

Also redundant description is redundant.

Suddenly, the small bundle of cloth that held the child within floated down,

Then it went splat on the ground because of some little things called gravity and mass.

glowing red due to the vast energies contained within the tiny infant's body.

Crap, he must be radioactive! That can’t be good!

Inside was a small crying baby boy, they soon realized that it was the demon in human form.

“Oh boy.” Said the ninjas.

And that was the pitch for the show “Three Ninjas and a Hellspawn” The pitchman was immediately thrown out the door and told that idea wouldn’t work in a Japanese Manga. Imagine their surprise when Kishimoto stole the idea months later.

As that realization sinked in, they began to hate and loave the child,

That makes it sound like they’re stuffing him into a loaf of bread.

thinking it was nothing more than the demon in a human shape.

Aw but it looks so cute! So what if its possessed by a monstrous fox demon, look at that face!

"damn demon..." one ninja said

One Ninja grabbed the child and yell "Let's kill it now before it kills us all!!"

Infanticide, the solution to all your problems, whether they be demons or a broken condom.

They all yelled in approval, and they dropped the child in the nearest river, watching the small boy being washed away with the current.

Wow I didn’t think they’d be all for killing a baby so easily but there ya go. Ninjas are assholes, pirates would never pull this shit.

To them, if the demon child didn't drown, some animal might kill it.

I think it will drown first, considering it can’t swim. You know if you wanted to kill it couldn’t there have been a more effective and sure way? I mean all you have to do is... wait what the fuck am I doing?

Um... apologies everyone, let’s just move on.

Then, there was a large explosion, and the Third Hokage,

Who was annoyed at having to get out of bed this early in the morning. He needed god knows how many pills to just stay awake right now.

followed by the infamous Copy Ninja, Kakashi Hatake,

He got through college by looking over at the class nerd’s sheet during exam period.

and two of Konoha's sannin, Jiraiya the Toad Sage,

AKA, world’s biggest and creepiest pervert.

and Tsunade the Slug Sage,

AKA, World’s hottest fifty year old.

had appeared in a puff of smoke.

Ninjas and Dynamic entries... they’re like bread and butter. Or hookers and blow.

"Ah..Lord Hokage, it's finally over, the demon has been slayed by the Fourth!!" yelled one ninja.

“Let’s grab us some whores! Party! Woohoo!”

Sarutobi sighed, and shed a small tear for Minato. Minato was truely one in a million, he was a kind of ninja that came around just once in a few decades.

There aren’t that many naturally blond people in Japan after all, let alone Blond Ninjas.

"Now why did the fool had to go and use the Reaper Death Seal..unless there was no other way,

“I probably should’ve told him about my Insta-Demon Killer Spray, c’est la vie.”

but still..to seal it in his own son..Oh Minato, I really hope you knew what you were doing.."

Well he wanted to trap it in a tree, but then he remembered how that turned out in Fern Gully.

thought Sarutobi, because no doubt the villagers would see the boy as Kyubi reincarnated in human form.

Yeah... about that um... say Ninjas wanna tell him?

"We must prepare a funeral for the Fourth, and tell me, where is the boy?"

The ninjas didn't answer, they just started sweating bullets, "Boy? What Boy?"

“Shit we need a cover story... uh... damn we should’ve thought this over... um... some Puerto Rican guy grabbed him. Yeah.”

Sarutobi glared at the leaf nin with suspision, "The one the Fourth used for the sealing...that boy..where is he?" he asked, but he had a feeling that he knew what they did.

Alright, you may wanna sit down for this. It’s kinda funny really when you think about it. Um, have you ever thought about, you know, drowning a baby?

The leaf nin were practically sweating so much, you could fill a lake with all that sweat.

Ewwwww, thanks for the image.

"Oh, that child...right..um..how do I say this..we..sort of..got rid of him."

I didn’t realise that was the new definition for murder.

Sarutobi cut the man's head off so fast, not one nin, save for Jiraiya and Tsunade, saw him move.

DECAPATATIOOOOOOOOOONNNNN!!!

"YOU MEAN TO TELL ME YOU TOOK THE LIFE OF A MERE, INNOCENT INFANT!?" his rage was so great, Tsunade and Jiraiya backed away just to be safe.

Well you’re all boned, have a nice life stupid as fuck ninjas. All remaining forty two seconds of it.

The leaf nin just started screaming, and begging for their lives, "NO, WE DIDN'T KILL IT!! WE SIMPLY PLACED IT IN THE RIVER IN HOPES THAT... ANOTHER VILLAGE COULD DEAL WITH IT!?"

Ninja: I mean babies can swim right?

Again, the nin died so fast, that he finished his sentence the moment his head impacted on the ground.

Wow, the Third Hokage is so pissed his executions defy the laws of reality. What next? He rips out someone’s skull and THEN beats him to death with it?

The others started begging for their lives.

Ninja: PLEASE! I’ll do anything! I’ll suck your dick man!

Lucky for them, Sarutobi had another issue at hand, finding Minato's son, Kushina had been waiting for him, for she was dying, the strain of giving birth was just too much for her.

Ah yes, the easiest way to kill off a parent... childbirth. It solves so many problems. And Yes I know this is canon, it’s just something that always has bothered me.

Now, before she died, she had requested to see her beautiful baby boy one last time before her soul departed for the afterlife.

Even if it is just his bloated cold, blue faced corpse.

"Kakashi, Jiraiya, can I intrust you two to find the child?" he asked

“And hopefully before this Manga’s lead role belongs to the annoying little Emo Ninja?"

"Hai, leave it to us!" and with a leap, they were gone into the forest.

"Tsunade, do you think you can help Kushina?" he asked.

“I know she’s dying, but I really need some girl on girl action right now. Plus she could probably use it.”

Tsunade's face became grim, but responded, "I can try, I can't save her from death, but I can aleast allow her a little more time."

Some medical ninja you are. Super magic powers and all you can do is prolong the inevitable. Lame.

"Good, as for the rest of you.." he said with an evil look in his eye that sent shivers into their spines.

Evil? Hey he’s not the one who drowned a fucking baby.

"I think a nice torture session with Anko would be a suitable punishment."

A torture session? With Anko? The Anko? The hottest ninja in the series? That’s a punishment? Dude... that sounds hot! I can see it now, whips, chains, kinky leather, what’s our safe word?

The leaf nin screamed in fear,

Yeah, they’re all gay.

Anko was infamous in Konoha for 'cracking nuts' when it came to men.

That implies death by snu snu. (AKA Bow Chika Wow Wow) I think a good number of men would be perfectly okay with that.

________________________________________

Somewhere a few miles down the river..

The small body of the infant had washed up against the bank of the river and was currently crying and wailing due to being completely wet and cold too.

You know they could’ve at least given him his pacifier before they tried to kill him. Common courtesy is all.

His crys echoed into the forest and it seemed to attract the attention of every creature.

Great, so Naruto is Bambi now.

It's cry sounded like a human, but it had small dab of fox thrown in there, it was if a human baby and fox cub were wailing for their mothers at the same time.

And several are coming to see a crying creature that sounds somewhat like one of the many predators of the forest because, what are they like the animals from the Lion King? “Well their family ate six of my cousins in the heard last year, but let’s go see their new born son who will no doubt eat my own children one day.” See that’s the only part of The Lion King movie that makes no sense, everything else... pure Disney gold.

Then from the bushes, a tigress(female tiger)

Thanks for that, I’m so fucking brain dead I wouldn’t have figured that out on my own.

appeared.

It's fur was different of the normal ones found around here, instead of orange and black, it's coat had brown fur and golden strips and golden underbelly. It's fangs were a little longer, so much that you could plainly see the gleam they gave off in the moon light. Not to mention it had two tails

So Shere Khan has an eccentric female cousin who was somehow mutated then? Guess she doesn’t like man cubs either. Although, what would be the consequences of eating a baby with the spirit of a demon inside them? I can’t imagine good.

(It's not the Two tailed Cat Biju, in this story, there are other demons and animals with multiple tails, but not all of them are as powerful as the Nine Beast Lords, aka the Biju Nine)

Yeah... um, thanks for that. You know the brackets really weren’t necessary, you’re pretty much gonna to show this cat isn’t one of the tailed beasts in like a sentence or two from now.

The tigress approached the small infant and sniffed it.

Tigeress: Hmm, I don’t know... I’m watching weight.

This caused the child to cry louder, the presence of the tigress was scaring it.

Tigress: I hate it when the food cries, it just goes to show you how undercooked it is.

"Zera, stop that, your scaring it."

Tigress: Fine, it needs ketchup anyway. I don’t want it.

The tigress named Zera

We had gathered that, thanks.

stopped and turned to find a tall, and purple skinned woman.

Hot damn, chicks with exotic skin colours! This fanfic is picking up!

Her eyes had no irises, they were glowing a golden color. Her hair was just as violet as the night sky, and she was wearing a dress made from various furs, plants, and other materials.

Like soda cans and a plastic. Remember to recycle people.

Strapped to her back was a long wooden staff, with feather decorations and beads. But the most distingushing feature about her was her ears, they were pointed like an elf's.

Based on this information we can clearly gather that the Na’Vi have found him. Looks like that river transported Naruto to Pandora.

No, joking it’s a night elf, we know that because, well anyone who read the fucking author’s note would know that! See why you shouldn’t explain the entire summary of the chapter before you start it?

"Forgive me Lady Kala, I was just investigating this baby's strange scent." said Zera

Ah fuck it talks. Just what we need, an animal sidekick.

as the woman named Kala

Why do you consistently feel that we need to be retold information we already know?

reached down and picked up the small child.

With soft words spoken in another language, Kala calmed the baby down as it
relieshed the warm feeling in her arms.

As well as her boobs. Even as a baby Naruto was a total perv.

"Now, what was it about the child's scent?"

Zera: I thought I smelled Teriyaki sauce, then I realised it just pissed itself.

"It smelled like Kyubi's" said Zera as she licked her paw.

The way that’s written makes it sound like she knows the Fox demon personally.

Zera: Yeah Kyubi, You know, the demon I had a one night stand with. Man he knew how to treat a lady.

Kala's eyes widened and removed a portion of the cloth wrapped around the baby and found a black spiral seal on his navel, surrounded by various arcane writtings.

Kala: Sweet tat. I need to get me one of those.

Kala just sighed, "It seems that one of Kyubi's little outbursts has apparently made this little boy the new container of the demon fox."

Kala: Man now I gotta take care of it, what a load. Those damn tailed beasts are always getting themselves sealed into babies and ending up here. Can’t they bother those Tauren or the Dwarves?

Seriously, she’s acting so nonchalant here I have to wonder if this is such a daily occurrence with her people it’s just becoming annoying.

"Well now, I wonder why such a cute little bundle of joy is doing all the way out here?" asked Zera

Well you may want to ask the leaf ninjas, but they’re too busy getting their pelvises crushed by Anko... lucky bastards.

as she licked the little boy's forehead, causing him to giggle.

Zera: I still think it could use some ketchup.

"Who knows, no doubt he's from Konoha, mind as well return him." said Kala sat on Zera's back.

Kala: I ain’t getting saddled with another kid, let alone one possessed by a fox demon. Can you imagine changing its diaper?

"ok then, let's go Zera!!" she shouted as the tigress leap off with astounding speed. She sped off into the forest, moving in and about the shadows, but they failed to notice the two leaf nin following her and her feline companion.

Kala's periphal vision sucks!
________________________________________

Jiraiya and Kakashi's POV

For a while, Kakashi and Jiraiya had been looking around the river for any sign of the child.

Kakashi wanted to finish this fast so he could get back to his book, Jiraiya of course wanted to get back to his bitches, so you can imagine they were in a rush. Explains why they didn’t hear the crying.

All of a sudden, a woman carrying the child, was riding a tiger towards Konoha.

Holy crap, elves apparently have the power to jump cut into scenes. I didn’t know that. Think you can hot key that ability in the game?

"Who's that woman, and what is she doing with the child?" asked Kakashi

“Seriously, should we inform Chris Hansen about this?” he added

as he and Jiraiya trailed behind her, hidden among the shadows.

Jiraiya slightly closer of course, trying his best to hide the tent being pitched in his pants.

"I've heard of them, she's a night elf that lives around here, Kala Moonshire." said Jiraiya, he was quite familiar with her,

Yeah, I bet he is.

he had more then once had a few run ins with her.

Oh that’s what we’re calling it now? A run-in, eh? Yeah, knowing you Jiraiya the only running involved was your little ninja running into her medicine hut with some Barry White music and Jello Shots. If ya know what I mean.

Kakashi's one visible eye widened, "THE Kala Moonshire? She's infamous for her control over many things in the wild."

Including snakes... of all sizes... know what I mean? I am so fucking dirty.

"Yep, their's no denying their reputation..

Jiraiya, I know you’re very horny right now, and I’m sure you’re very well versed in her “reputation”, if you know what I mean, but thats no excuse for such bad grammar and spelling.

I can assume she's returning the child back to Konoha." said Jiraiya

Jiraiya: Or sacrificing it to her voodoo god, I don’t know which.

"She's doing our job for us, mind as well relax."

Okay, I’m jumping the gun here, this is the second time he’s written “mind” when he meant “might”. Knowing the rampant spelling and grammar mistakes so far... I think its safe to say this is our new drinking game.

said Kakashi as he stopped leaping and pulled out his copy of Jiraiya's infamous novel, Icha Icha Paradise.

So ignore the hot Elf chick... let’s read porn instead... alright, not my first choice but... cool.

"Is that vol 15, the one with the sex-crazed tentacle demon?" asked Jiraiya,

Ahhhhh! Jiraiya! OH GOD! I knew you were a dirty old man, but Jesus Christ of all the things to be in to, tentacle porn? DUDE! That’s gross even for you.

for this one was so graphic, that it was outlawed in Konoha.

Fucking suppressive bastards in the publishing companies, always ruining the fun of horny old men.

"Yep, Konoha may have outlawed this volume, but I managed to snag one before they were all burned." said Kakashi

Book burning rallies? Really? Are you serious? What have they taken a cue from Hitler? Well at least it reminds me of one of my favourite movies.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1WRsHcJ6ycE

"May I see? it's been so long since I read that one.." asked Jiraiya

But you wrote it! Didn’t you keep an original copy?

"No"

"T.T" was the expression on Jiraiya's face.

So his face was replaced with two Ts and a period?

A message to all fanfic writers, the visual gags of anime do not translate all that great in literature. They just make your writing look stupid.

________________________________________

The gates of Konoha...

Where the armies of Mordor are preparing their assault after getting lost on their way to Helm’s Deep.

Normally, Kala usually stayed away from Konoha, they tend to hate things that they don't understand.

Like the Magic the gathering and other card games... they just don’t see the appeal.

The first time she revealed herself to a crowd, they grew into an uproar and chased her out of the village.

Next when an all female group of blue aliens showed up they threw rocks at them. Completely cementing they were gay.

Seriously I don’t buy this. I’m gonna just believe that the women of the town realised the men of the town would have the hots for her and chased her out.

But after while, they begrudgingly accepted her presence.

Well the men did when they realised she had boobs.

Now, she ran through the streets with her feline companion at her side.

And people just let you run around town with a vicious looking animal then? Really? I mean I know its tame, but doesn’t it raise a few eyebrows at least.

She had no time to wait, she knew who this child belonged to, the blond hair and blue eyes were a dead give away.

He was obviously the son Thor.

Kala was Kushina Uzumaki's best friend, ever since Kushina had gotten lost in the forest when she was a small child and meet the imortal elf, and it was because of her that Kushina meet and married Minato Namikaze.

She took dating advice from an elf? Well they do seem to be a better choice than the dwarves.

Many of the villagers took notice and wondered why the forest elf was in such a hurry..

I’m guessing she wants to finish this quest fast and get her XP before her mom kicks her off the computer for staying up too late.

________________________________________

The Hokage's Office...

Time was running out, Kushina was fading away at a fast rate, even Tsunade's expert medical skills wouldn't keep her alive for long.

Meanwhile in the corner her sister is eyeing all her precious heirlooms just waiting to grab them and run as soon as she kicks it.

"Sarutobi...has my son..been found?" asked Kushina in a soft yet weak voice.

Aren’t more concerned that your husband placed a fox demon inside the little brat? Cause that tends to freak out some people. I’m guessing Sarutobi didn’t mention it.

Sarutobi sighed

Sarutobi: Geez women you’ve asked that question seventy times already, every two minutes at that! What do you think has changed?

and said, "Don't worry, Kakashi and Jiraiya are looking for him as we speak, can assure you that you'll see him before you pass on Kushina."

Well she’s dying, her vision can’t be too good. Hold up a watermelon to her face maybe she’ll buy it.

"That's good..because before I die, I want to name him..the name Minato and I agreed upon before he was born.." she said as she breathed slowly.

“I wanna name him Durnald Fookum, that won’t make him a social outcast at all.”

Suddenly, the door slammed open, and Sarutobi and Tsunade turned around to find Kala Moonshire, holding the newborn in her arms.

Ah so babies don’t come from storks... they come from elves!

"Ah, thank goodness, Kala, please give the child to Kushina." said Sarutobi.

“And hurry up, I’m late for my soaps.” He added

Kala had lived long enough to get to know Sarutobi when he was just a child as well.

Well that information wasn’t important at, thank you story.

Kala quickly gave the newborn to Kushina, who held the sleeping child in her arms.

And then his neck snapped cause she was too weak to properly hold his head up

"Oh my beautiful baby boy, I'm so glad to see you..Naruto." she said as she kissed the baby's forehead.

Then he shouted “believe it” and she instantly rejected him as her son.

"Naruto Namikaze, that has a nice ring to it." said Kakashi, who had appeared in the window and entered the room, followed by Jiraiya.

Kakashi: Hi we just showed up out of nowhere through the magic of instant teleportation.

"No..not Namikaze,

I hope not, otherwise this series has one lame as all hell back up name. Can you imagine reading the “Namikaze Chronicles”? It just doesn’t have the same ring to it.

it'll be Uzumaki."she said as she checked the seal on Naruto's stomach.

Wait so she does know about her husband sticking a demon in their kid?

"True, Minato had too many enemies, especially in Iwa

And let’s not get started on why he could never go back to Tijuana.

and most likely they'll take their vengance upon his son if they ever find out about him." said Sarutobi.

Considering even your own people have no problem with killing babies, that’s probably not inaccurate. Still, I gotta say this, he’s dead now, you can’t really get revenge on someone who is dead.

"Naruto Uzumaki.." said Kakashi

"Has a nice ring to it." said Tsunade

Yep, sounds like a money making cash cow to me. Although by technicality it will be the lame ass emo ninja that gets all the fangirls. Why? Girls apparently like men who treat them like shit. Fangirls, feminism’s REAL enemy.

"Indeed.."said Kushina as she shed a tear, "I'm so sorry my son, that you'll have to live your life without your father and mother, to bear this burden that has been placed on you..

I’m sure the baby who has no idea what you’re saying is comforted by that.

but always remember, your father and I love you."

Um, no offence but maybe one of you should’ve made a note or message detailing that for him to find on later in life. I mean I know your husband put a special seal in there that works like that but maybe he could use the comfort earlier on. Just saying.

Then, an eerie wind blew in from the window.

Close that, you’re gonna let in a draft!

Kala, Tsunade, Sarutobi, Jiraiya, and Kakashi all started sweating at the presense of the Shinigami.

Wait, you mean the Grim Reaper? I’m assuming that’s what it is. I thought he was only visible to people who are dying how are they seeing it?

The Black eyed, Horned entity hovered in front of Kushina and said, "It is time..."

Shinigami: You shouldn’t have eaten the salmon mousse!

Kushina simply nodded

You’re taking seeing the Grim Reaper rather well, considering, you know, its the fucking Grim Reaper!

and handed her baby to Kala, "Kala Moonshire, can I entrust you to take care of my child, wil you care for him as as you did when you raised me?"

“Except don’t feed him your special herb brownies okay? I’m still embarrassed about the time I went streaking through the woods screaming lyrics to Jefferson Airplane songs.”

Kala shed a tear and said, "yes" as she took the child now named Naruto and watched as the Shinigami took Kushina's soul.

Wow... that description was shite. No it was serious shite. You reminded us of information we already knew and didn’t even bother to explain what the Reaper even did.

I can tell we’re gonna have so much fun together, I really do.

Kushina's soul hovered in place for a moment before the Soul of Minato reappeared next to her. This shocked everyone in the room,

Considering that they’re all able to even see this stuff going on I think I would be shocked too.

they were all aware of the penalty you pay for when you summon the Shinigami.

A fifty dollar fine and a hundred hours of community service.

"Sensai? I thought when you used the Reaper Death Seal, your soul is eaten by the Shinigami?" asked a surprised Kakashi.

Minato: Turns out he’s on a diet, lucky me huh?

Minato just smiled, "The Shinigami was kind enough to let me go, he thought someone like me should go to heaven."

You sure God won’t bat an eyelash at the fact you stuck your son with an ancient evil?

Minato turned to the soul of his wife and offered her his hand, "Of course I won't go without my wife.

"Minato.." was all Kushina said before she enraced him in a loving hug.

Minato: Um... yeah... I totally meant you when I said that... I didn’t mean some chick I did in Vegas... totally meant you. Heh heh, man this is awkward.

They stood their like that before turning to their son.

Guys, you’re dead now just leave! This entire scene is just pointless padding!

Minato left his wife's side and walked up to his child and placed his ghostly hand on Naruto's forehead.

Oh great, now he’s got ectoplasm all over him. Someone draw a bath!

"My son, if by chance you ever find out who I am and what I did to you, I completely understand if you hate me for the rest of your life, but I still love you, nothing can change that." said Minato

He loves his little possessed son! He loves it!

as the sleeping baby woke up and saw him.

I would say he’s seeing him because he truly believes, but everyone else can see this going on too!

The baby didn't say anything,

Of course he didn’t he’s a baby! Why do we need to know this?

he just smiled at Minato.

Yeah that sounds charming but it looked like this:



"Well then, time to go.." said Minato

That sounded very nonchalantly, almost as if he’s leaving for a business trip.

as he wrapped his arm around his wife and a bright golden gate appeared in the room.

How’d you fit the gates of heaven into an office? I’m guessing there’s a lot of head room, but still.

On the gate was the seal of Kami. The Shinigami placed his hand upon the seal, and the gates slowly opened.

Why do we need to see this? Couldn’t their souls have just vanished with the Grim Reaper? It would’ve cut out a lot of pointless padding. Why is this scene needed?

A bright light filled the room, blinding everyone.

And they can see this too? You know if everybody could watch the Grim Reaper take their loved ones into heaven there would be fewer people doubting God’s existence. This is silly, is there any explanation given as to why they can see the Grim Reaper and the gates of heaven? No. This story has the problem of lack of detail when needed and too much detail when it’s not. None of this has any bearing on the story so what’s the point of it?

With out fear or hesitation, Minato and Kushina walked into the light and disappeared.

God, I’d thought they’d never leave. Alright everybody, awe inspiring proof of the existence of life after death that should make you question all that you believe scene over, come on let’s go. Clear out, exits to your left. Move along, nothing to see.

________________________________________

Continued below

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jul 5 2010, 02:44 PM

[Lizard-Man]

Minato and Kushina's Funeral, two days later..

It was not known that Kushina Uzumaki was married to the Fourth,

Honestly they thought she was just his personal whore.

so many of the villagers thought she was just another victim of the Kyubi. Many were there and were weeping for their fallen hero.

The eulogy read simply: He died as he died... dead.

However, news of Naruto had spread across the village, and everyone practically hated him.

I never got that, he saved the village by doing something to a kid that’s incredibly fucking messed up, yet they all love him and hate Naruto’s guts. It’s not his fault he got possessed by a demon, I mean your great leader stuck it inside him and then left you guys holding the bag. If you wanna be pissed at anyone, be pissed at the Fourth.

However, those that knew were silently weeping at the loss of a beautiful couple,

Yes, the beautiful couple we barely got to know or get attached to. I feel so sad at their loss.[/sarcasm]

and the loss of their child.

Um, didn’t you all see his mom entrusting him to the elf? Hello?

Nod and prayers for came from many of the shinobi that knew Naruto and his parents.

I’m glad someone here knew them, me I could care less since they were only alive for a few paragraphs.

Gai muttering about the unyouthfulness of the crime,

As usual, Gai is the most flamboyant and gay of anyone.

Kakashi thinking how little he helped his sensei in the attack, and the disapperance of Naruto.

Again, you were in the room, he was given to the Elf, did that light wipe your memory like a MIB neuralizer?

Asuma, Hayate, and Ibiki bowed their heads down muttering prayers for the young child, hoping that where ever Naruto was, he was still alive.

They’re exempt, they weren’t there. But I thought someone would tell them that the elf had him. Apparently everyone who knows about that has conveniently forgotten.

Anko looked like she wanted to rip off a certain organ of a certain memeber of the council, she didn't get to,

but the nins who threw Naruto into the river managed to satify her rage..

I swear to God I did not do anything to that sentence! That’s how it appeared when I copy pasted this story.

Plus, from the sound of it, those ninjas are some lucky bastards.

Yugao and Kurenai were silently crying at the loss of a Minato, a man among men, and Kushina, a woman among women.

That’s the best you can say about them huh? Wow, I really hope that when I die people will have more to say about me then just “He had a penis and therefore he was a man. I’ve stated the obvious, now let’s bury him and move on.”

But most of all was they were sad at the disappearance of Naruto..

Guys, he’s with the elf! Sarutobi aren’t ya gonna tell them this? Its better than making them worry!

All that happened days before could have been prevented if only the council weren't so pigheaded and corrupted...

I’m guessing you killed them during the final mission then? Ha, sucker, you should have left them alive so you could gloat over how you saved their asses from the evil genocidal machines they said didn’t exist.

XxFlashbackxX

"This is an outrage,

“Burger King left the pickles on my Whooper! They claimed to have made it my way! There must be retaliation for this!

we must kill the demon while it's still in human form!" yelled a member of the council.

Someone saw Omen now doubt. They know how this story ends.

"Why should we allow it to live when it's already taken so many of ours?!"

Well to be fair, a lot of them were dicks. Remember Dirk? The guy who thought it was funny to slip shurikens down people’s shirts? Died in the Kyubi attack. So it wasn’t all bad.

When the council found out about the sealing of the fox, they immediately started ordering the death of Naruto.

No! We can’t do that! Then Sasuke will become the lead character! Have you seen the recent Shippuden arcs? It’s not fun!

"Do you suggest we kill the young one?" Kala asked, "Kill an innocent life to spare you all from a fate that will never happen?"

Kala is a member of EeTD, Elves for the ethihical Treatment of Demons. Fucking hippie..

"You fools, can't you understand that even with the fox sealed in him, Naruto is still human!" yelled Tsunade

“He just has little whisker lines on his face and a sweet stomach tat. It’s no big deal!”

"But what if the demon takes control of the child's body? It'll destroy us all the moment it gets a chance!"

Considering that happened quite a bit that’s not entirely an unfounded fear. But I still say let him live cause well if we don’t NaruSaku will never happen and so far after all the boring plots with Sasuke in the Manga recently thats the only reason I’m sticking with it.

Kala held Naruto in her arms, and hearing all this was upsetting her.

Yes people talking about killing a kid is merely upsetting her. I don’t know about you, but if people were talking about killing a baby I’d probably be mortified or outraged... anything but upset.

Jiraiya and Kakashi were waiting outside, but they could clearly hear everything going on in their, and they weren't happy about it.

They disapproved most strongly against this decision to murder children. They planned on writing a very angry letter.

"Now Now, let's all think of the usefulness that we might benefit from this. With the demon in human form, we can easily control it and use it as a potential weapon." said Danzo.

Oh hey! It’s the back stabbing frog killing turd that provides Sasuke with yet another antagonist after Itachi’s death! Thanks for reminding me about that. Kishi, if you’re listening, get back to Naruto, no one likes Sasuke except his fangirls and even they are having a hard time keeping up their support.

This gained the attention of a few members who agreed with him.

Member: Hey sweet! We’d have an awesome kaiju monster at our beck and call! We’d be the envy of every otaku for miles! Does the Wood Village have an awesome monster at their beck and call, I think not! This is a much better idea then killing children!

"DANZO!! YOU MAY BE A MEMBER OF THIS COUNCIL, BUT I WILL NOT HEAR SUCH TALK FROM YOU WHILE YOUR IN MY PRESENCE, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!" yelled Sarutobi.

Okay! There’s no need to shout! Use your indoor voice.

"Of course, forgive me Lord Hokage." said Danzo with a hint of vemon in his voice.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-bzWSJG93P8

Hmm, you know I get the feeling Danzo is evil and is going to be a major villain in this story. Anyone else?

The heated argument went on for about two hours, but it was clear that Sarutobi could not sway the council's dedication to killing naruto.

But he’s the Hokage, can’t he just tell them all to fuck off?

Only the heads of the Akamichi, Yamamaka, Nara, Inuzuka, Aburame, and Hyuga. But their votes on letting Naruto live were overruled by that of the other members.

Ah! So the Uchiha voted against it! They are trying to get Sasuke to steal the spotlight I knew it!

"the decision is final, the child must die, GUARDS!" yelled Danzo.

You were in favour of letting him live before, now you’ve changed your mind? What gives Danzo? At least in the manga you were decisive. You’re not the asshole I remembered.

About 30 ANBU guards appeared and drew kunai and swords.

ANBU Guard: Oh god I hope we look cool. I don’t wanna embrass myself in front of the council.

"Stop this, I order you to stop!" yelled Sarutobi, however, the ANBU didn't obey him.

"It's no use Sarutobi, those are ROOT ANBU, they only listen to me, and me only." said Danzo

So they’re union black-ops ninjas then? Huh, I didn’t realise Danzo was essentially Jimmy Hoffa in ninja form, but now that I do it makes sense.

as they came closer to Kala.

Its raping AND murdering time!

"Stop this at..UH!!" Tsunade and Sarutobi found that they couldn't move. About 10 of the ANBU were using the Paralysis Justu to keep them from moving.

Most powerful Ninjas in the room... taken out by ten guys. Lame.

Jiraiya and Kakashi busted through the door and leap between The ANBU and Kala.

Too many dynamic entries! The chapter can’t take much more!

A ferious battle took place in the council chamber, Jiraya and Kakashi were holding off as many of the ROOT ANBU as much as they could,

With the lack of description in this “glorious” fight scene, I will fill it up by imagining all of them are essentially sissy fighting.

however, about 5 have already surrounded Kala.

Bang up work guys, the chick you’re protecting is getting jumped by five guys. I expected more from the Toad Sage and the Copy Ninja.

Kala just backed up abit but she didn't show any fear. She simply looked at the council and said, "Typical human behavior.."

Councilor: Oh yeah? Well, typical elf behaviour Miss high and mighty. I read TV Tropes, I know how superior you dick wads feel.

Then, a beam of light erupted from Naruto's tiny infant body and a hole was blown through the western wall and leap out.

The baby has a stomach laser? The fuck? Okay if I was one of those ANBU guys at that point I’d probably say, fuck this and go get a beer. A baby with a stomach laser is where I draw the line.

Kala gasped at the baby's power, and could see a mix of powers within his tiny body.

I’d probably drop the thing and run in abject terror, but gasping works too.

"After her, she's taken the demon!!" yelled Danzo.

“And my ice cream bars! Don’t let her get away!”

However, the moment Kala had leapt out of the wall, she had transformed herself into a gigantic raven. As for Naruto, he was safely on her back.

Wow, she got over to that wall pretty fast. Teleportation I assume? The lack of transitions is a big clue.

And how was Naruto on her back? Did she stick him there before she turned into a bird? And I thought WOW had flying mounts? Wouldn’t that have been easier to write? Meh, I guess she’s not a high enough level yet.

She spread her gray colored wings and faced the council with her glowing blue eyes.

"Do you really think I'll be defeated that easily?" was all she said before she incinerated the ANBU chasing her with beams of moonlight that were shot from her antenna.

Remember kids, moonbeams are fatal. Always cover up.

Wait elves have antenna, the fuck?

"Damn you Kala!!" yelled Danzo.

“Give me my ice cream bars back!”

"Hear this, if any of you so much as come near this child, I swear, my attack on Konoha will make the Kyubi's pale in comparison!!" she yelled before she flew off into the night sky.

Yes threaten them directly, that will make them accept elves as equals. I mean it didn’t work for the Native Americans, but maybe it will work for you.

XxFlashbackendxX

Needles to say, Sarutobi was pissed off, big time.

Not to mention his ulcer was acting up so he was in an extra bad mood.

However, due to the corrupt ways of the council, Danzo didn't receive a heavy punishment, he was just placed among the lower ranks of the council.

No, you’re doing it wrong. You have to talk to the cop in Chora’s Den, find Garrus, storm the bar and then get back to the hot Quarian chick for the evidence! Didn’t you listen to Anderson?

Now, the fate of Naruto was unknown

You saw Kala bolt with him out a friggin hole in the wall. Where do you think he is?

________________________________________

Darnassus, Temple of the Moon, 5 years after Naruto's disappearance....

Seasons change! Time passes by! As the weeks become the months become the years!

The five year old Naruto was bored.

He hadn’t discovered masturbation yet.

Living here in Darnassus was fine, but he wanted to go out and explore the forest surrounding it.

Oh just shut up and play your Xbox already, whinner.

However, his caretaker, Kala Moonshire, had warned him about the hidden dangers that lurked around the forest.

You mean the boars that die in one hit? Yeah, big danger there.

Plus, there were hardly any night elf children since the night elves lived a very long time, so there was hardly any reason for them to reproduce unless it was required.

No wonder the elves have such huge superiority complexes, they rarely have sex at all! They’re compensating for being total virgins.

Kala, however, was one of the few who actually had a child.

And yet she’s still a bitch, hmm, I guess it’s been awhile since her last night in the sack.

Her name was Raia, and for a night elf of such short age, she was already showing signs that she could be a potential druid in the future.

She wanted to be a Paladin but that class is blocked off for elves much to her disappointment. She thought about logging out and making a new character, but then she realised that was a total noob move.

They would always be together, and had developed a brother sister relationship over the years.

She was of course the dominant figure in their relationship and had a strong psychological grip on the young ninja.

But unlike her mother who was as elegant and polite as any other night elf,

I’ve yet to see proof of that.

Raia was the opposite. She was brash, tomboyish, and always told it like it is.

So that’s where young Naruto learned how to be an asshole, from elves. Makes sense to me.

Still, she respected and loved her mother enough that she never really did any of that in front of others..aleast, if she wasn't around.

Cause it’s not disrespecting your mother’s wishes if she doesn’t know about it. Yeah, she’s a good girl alright.[/sarcasm]

Also I have a feeling “aleast” is gonna pop up a lot too when he wants to use “at least” so that’s added to the drinking game.

Currently, she was sitting on a roof with Naruto, watching the leaves fall off the tree above them.

They were busy contemplating their existence in this meaningless crossovered world.

"This is boring....wanna sneak out and go exploring?" asked Raia

Naruto immediately said yes and they both set off to explore the forests of Teldrassil.

Aww, isn’t that cute? They’re only five and they’ve started a raid party. How cute.

It wasn't so hard, Raia used the night elve's natural ability to blend in with the shadows to sneak past the guards.

It came in handy when she wanted to sneak into R rated movies, shoplift or plant pipe bombs. Isn’t she an adorable little scamp?

Naruto on the other hand had to come up with something else.

Naruto, flailing your arms around like a spazz isn’t going to make you less visible. Neither will painting silly faces on the local landmarks or wearing orange.

Using a technique that Kala said orginated from his homeland, he used his magical energy, or chakra, to create an illusion to appear like an adult night elf warrior.

So what now he’s actually good at that and could do more than just genderbend himself? I don’t see how he could’ve learned this as I’m sure the elves don’t have the same method or means of transformation as Naruto does. In fact considering there are no ninjas to teach him shouldn’t he be even worse at this then he was before the series started?

After getting past guards, they wandered about the forest, watching the various species that lived there.

And killing them for the XP, remember Panthers may give more, but Wolves are WAY easier to kill. Start grinding kids.

Most notable were the nightsabers, they mostly hide among the bushes.

Eventually you’ll get a quest to make one your mount... well not you Naruto, its only available for elves. You get stuck with a horse for now. Stupid human.

Naruto even managed to pet a cub before it's mother took it away.

Along with his whole arm.

The nightsabers were not hostile to anyone, unless they gave them reason to.

Yes, cause vicious predatory animals in the wild will only attack if you provoke them... or if they’re hungry... or if they have rabies... okay thing is usually when you start touching their kids you’re officially too stupid to live.

Giant spiders were a common sight as well, but they just watched the two with caution, specifically Naruto for a reason.

Oh those guys are a pain to kill, but they do make for some great XP. So as long as the other party members don’t make the final blow... fucking kill stealers.

Soon, they came to Lake Al'Ameth, a beautiful lake that reflected the moonlight streaming through the leaves of the trees.

Stay away kids! The moonbeams will disintegrate you!

"So beautiful " said Raia as she dipped her feet into the water. She squealed with fright as her leg retracted from the water.

I’m guessing innocence will be crushed in a few paragraphs. Kids and lakes in fiction are never a good mix.

Naruto laughed while she just glared at him, "It's cold, not a reason to laugh at me."

Its okay, I can still laugh at you for other reasons.

she said as she got behind him and shoved him into the water.

Ha! You got pushed in the water by a girl! Loser.

Naruto came to the surface shivering and with a runny nose. "D-d-d-damn y-y-you Ra-rai-raia, t-t-t-that was just c-c-c-ru-el!" he said as he dragged himself out of the water.

“I also chipped a tooth on the jagged rocks below.” He added “You’re lucky I didn’t drown.”

No sooner when he did, something emerged from the water and grabbed Raia.

Yep, see, kids and lakes, never good mix.

A timberling, a walking mass of moss and roots.

SWAMP THING!



What a surprise. I didn’t expect to see him in WoW.

Naruto had heard they were getting pretty aggressive and had hoped they didn't run into one.

Someone had introduced them to alcohol and English football. Ever since then they’ve been rather unruly.

How wrong he was.

At least Naruto’s still a consistent dumbass at this stage in life. That much hasn’t changed.

"KYAH! ONI-CHAN! SAVE ME!!" she screamed as the timberling swung her around wildly.

Who the fuck is ONI? Why is she calling for the Office of Naval Intelligence?

Naruto was not as defenseless as some might think.

He sure did look it, orange just isn’t threatening.

Kala had taught him how to use kunai, or throwing knives, to defend himself in times of great danger.

I didn’t realise that was a weapon in WoW... I guess they added it in one of the expansions.

He threw about 5 or 6 of them. Most didn't even scratch it's skin, but one of them struck it in it's eye.

Swamp Thing: AH! God! Do you know how much that stings!? Ever have shampoo in your eyes? Times that by a thousand! God, not cool!

The timberling cried out in pain and dropped Raia, who ran behind her adopted brother.

Raia: Naruto! Protect me by getting eaten first!

The timberling stood it's ground, and swiped it's arm at Naruto, who barely jumped out of the way while carrying his sister.

You know... she can run. Its not like she’s injured.

Naruto ducked and weaved as he ran while his sister rode him piggy back style.

I missed the opportunity to do this in the last mock, ahem...

RUN BITCH! RUUUUUUNNNN!

Thank you.

The rampaging timberling was not about to let it's prey escape.

He wanted a pepperoni pizza, but children would do.

Soon it had them cornered. The giant mass of wood, moss, and roots was about to crush them with one blow.

So you step on your food before eating it, huh? That’s... an odd eating habit, but whatever floats your boat.

"no, no, not like this, no!" cried Raia

“I wanted to be an important character in this story! Not cannon fodder! It’s not fair!”

as Naruto valiantly stood between it and his sister.

Naruto: You want her you’ll have to go through me.

Swamp Thing: That’s not very difficult since I’m just gonna step on you.

Naruto: Yeah I didn’t think this through.

"There is no way in hell I'm gonna let it kil you Raia. I'll distract it, and you make a run for it." he whispered to her.

Raia: Kay! (Runs off)

"But..But what about you?" she asked

"My life doesn't matter,

Considering how little you’ve played a part in the recent arcs perhaps you’re right.

just get outta here once I rush him." said Naruto

You’ll have 3.5 seconds to bolt while the monster is chewing him.

"Hmm impressive, true words spoken by an upcoming hero." said a voice in Naruto's head.

Oh boy, Naruto ate the elves’ special brownies after all didn’t he?

"huh? Who said that?" Naruto asked

Voice: It’s just me Satan, I hope you don’t mind I’m using your head as a time share.

No response was heard, but a bright shining light suddenly bloomed in his hand.

Since when did having a fox demon in your body give you the ability to shoot proton beams like Iron Man?

The timberling backed away in surprise.

More likely confusion.

When the light faded, a small dagger was in Naruto's hands. It had a golden hilt with a silver blade. At the tip of the blade was a small golden jewel.

Compromising the strength of the blade and making it easier to break.

"Funny, my form was suppose to be based on the amount of light inside you, but I guess we can't all hope for a miracle." said the voice in Naruto's head.

Give it time, Shippuden and Naruto actually becoming badass is a long way away.

Naruto had barely enough time to register who was talking, the timberling threw another swipe at him.

I guess hunger overrides fear, and it is just a dinky dagger.

Without thinking, Naruto tried to block it's fist with the little dagger. Suprising, when the fist made contact with the blade, the arm of the timberling turned to ash.

I’ll say it’s surprising, blocking doesn’t usually chop off limbs of creatures, at least not in one blow.

"What the-"

"Those of the path of evil can never hold on to me, lest they turn to ash." said the voice again.

Evil huh? Yeah sure, that swamp thing was a single parent with three kids. How’s he gonna provide for them with one arm Mr. Voice? Great job.

Then Naruto looked at the dagger in his hand, "Are..are you talking to me?"

No he’s talking to the other guy who can hear Satan in his head, of course he’s talking to you numbnuts!

"No, It's me the Tooth Fairy inside of you trying to talk nice, of course it's me you twit.

Mine was funnier.

I am the legendary sword, Ashbringer." said the dagger.

You’re a dagger, not a sword.

Naruto could only stare at the sword, er, dagger with a questioning look. "Sword? You look more like a dagger to me?"

See even the story realises that’s bullshit.

"Oni-chan, who are you talking to?" asked Raia,

You’re one to talk, you keep thinking Naruto is a friggin department of the US Navy.

who seemed to have forgotten the timberling in front of them.

Raia has ADD apparently.

"This dagger, It's talking to me." said Naruto as he unknowingly blocked another attack from the timberling, this time it's leg turned to ash.

Since when did Naruto become an expert at the offhand backhand?

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/OffhandBackhand

"Please refer to me as a sword thank you very much, and I assure you, despite this form, I am far more powerful then the beast that resides in you."

So you’re not connected to the Kyubi? Then where did you come from?

"What beast?"

Funny story, you’re carrying a demon inside you that your dad put there cause he loved you. Isn’t that wacky?

"We'll get to that later. For now, time to finish that timberling off. Raise my blade towards it, and focus your energy. That'll finish it off."

So it’s like the sword in Zelda, it can shoot stuff.

Naruto did as the dagger, er, sword said.

That’s still not funny.

He raised the blade at the timberling, who wasn't moving.

Well it only has one leg now, its too busy hopping around and looking stupid.

He felt as if all his energy was concentrating at the tip of the blade.

Nothing came out save for a puff of smoke.

Well this is embarrassing. Quick! Rub it harder!

"WHAT THE HELL?!" yelled Naruto, scaring both Raia and the timberling

Whoa! Where’d you pick up the swear words kid? You’re only five years old! Has Kala been letting you watch PG-13 movies? I didn’t pick up my first Swear word until I saw “The Mask” and even then I didn’t know how to use it properly.

"It isn't my fault, your energy was so low the blast couldn't form. You have no talent do you?" questioned the dagger, er, sword.

That’s still not funny, but the dagger making fun of Naruto’s impotence is.

In his frustration, Naruto threw the dagger at the timberling, who's whole body turned to ash no sooner when the blade touched it.

Congratulations you earn 20 XP, 30 Gold and a leather helmet. I know it’s not great, but what did you expect at your level?

"Well, that was smart, still it makes up for your lack of talent-"

"Raia, let's go home." said Naruto as he took his sister in hand and left behind the dagger.

Obviously annoyed at how it kept making fun of his inability to get it up.

"Wait! Don't leave me behind! It's so cold out here! Please, take me with you!"
There was no response from Naruto as he and Raia continued to walk home.

Yes, leave the unnecessary and annoying comic relief behind. That’s the best move you’ve made this whole chapter.

"Argh! Don't think you can get rid of me that easily!" yelled the dagger as it levitated off the ground.

Dagger: I will not be ignored! I’m in the title damn it! I will be part of this story so help me God!

The dagger flew through the air, and smacked Naruto across the head

Killing him instantly.

before it disappeared in a flash of light.

"Ahh, home sweet home." it said.

Safe and sound in a child’s head telling him what to murder.

"Where are you, you pathetic excuse of a sword, I'll break you in half across a rock!" screamed Naruto

Hey I know he made fun of your small dick, but come on Naruto, aren’t you overreacting?

"I'm inside you fool, and I won't come out unless I choose too. I cut you a break this time because your new....."Cut you a break" hahaha, that's a good one." said the dagger, er, sword.

Ha, ha, you are funny guy Mr. Dagger, I kill you last.

Naruto just growled as he and Raia left for home.

I can’t wait till Naruto tries to explain this to Kala.

Naruto: We found this Swamp Monster and I got this sword from the voices in my head who tells me to kill things.

________________________________________

End of chapter

So, what ya'll think?

It’s shit, on so many levels.

Bext chapter,

Bext? How the fuck did you not catch that?

Naruto goes back home to learn more of his heritage. Afterwardsm

Spell checking, learn to do it!

he's sent off on a training trip. and the mystery of the Ashbringer deepens, who or what gave him the sword?

Answer: Poor writing.

Tune in next time.

Unfortunately I will.

Ja Ne

I have no idea what that means.

----------------------------

Well in terms of quality, its way better then a DKM fic, but that’s like saying cat puke is better than dog diarrhea. It’s still crap, tons of spelling mistakes, a stupid pointless crossover, confusing plot developments and all around I’m just not engaged in it. Its long, tedious, boring and I can tell that damn dagger is going to piss me off with its lameass jokes.

Whatever, it could’ve been worse... Copy Cat could’ve been in here. Anyway, how should we close out? Well its Naruto with Warcraft... I know!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-KOc6Ydgj-s&feature=related

You can find anything on the internet these days.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jan 17 2010, 07:48 PM

[cross the bloodstained]

No sodding way I object! Objection on grounds of idiocy. and also:

[Lizard-Man]

Well we know so far that Naruto hears voices in his head that take the form of a dagger of light that turns people to ash when hit. More importantly, this new power is in no way connected to the Kyubi inside him, so what the hell is it? I’m sure it’s something incredibly lame, but we’ll give this tory the benefit of the doubt and just wait and see.
--------------------------------------------
Naruto: Ashbringer of Konoha

by animeman2008

Ch 2: Glimpse of Power

Stop peeping on He-Man in the shower dude.

me: Hello everyone!

Hello author, how goes the shitty writing?

Theme song for this whole story: Cruel Angel's Thesis

The theme song for Evangelion? That’s a strange choice for a WoW/Naruto crossover.

It just goes with the whole theme I'm thinking of.

As long as you’re not playing it via a bunch of stupid inserted lyrics in the middle of the story, I’m fine. However, allow me to ruin its power and meaning by playing this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PL89bUjPMlA

Yeah, its hard to sound serious and epic when you’re being sung by the Chipmunks.

By the way, the time line is set before the draneni joined the alliance, but the Blood elves have joined the Horde around this time.

So this is like a bugged version of the expansion that screws alliance players over? Am I gonna need to wait six weeks to get a patch?

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Not even your computer? You’re typing this on a stolen laptop?
________________________________________

Auberdine, one port away from Darnassus...

Just down the street from the Arby’s.

An orc warrior named Gorekill SpineBreaker

Well, it’s a far better name then Pissblood ChickenChoker.

sat atop the mast of the stolen ship, the Passion of the Sea.

Formerly a whorehouse at sea no doubt.

He and his team were hired by an unknown contractor to eliminate the high priestess, Tyrande Whisperwind, leader of the night elves.

Terminate... with extreme prejudice.

Gorekill had always hated the pacifist ways of Warchief Thrall,

So... he’s a pacifist... but he’s also a “War” chief? Does... anyone else see the contradiction in this?

he hated all members of the alliance,

Ever since they made fun of his small dick in Third Grade.

and was willing to do anything to kill them,

Even if it meant dressing up like a woman. He was really obsessed with this.

even if he had to break the law of the Warchief Thrall.

Thrall will no doubt be very disappointed in you killing one of the sworn enemies of the Horde against his wishes. Wait... that doesn’t make sense. Can someone explain Orc politics to me? Or at the very least why a Horde leader wouldn’t want to kill his enemies?

He got together some old friends and they all worked together as assassins for hire.

Today, still wanted by the government. they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... the H-Team!

See, the H stands for Horde... yeah whatever.

If it meant he got to kill members of the Alliance, he'd gladly get the job done. As for the money, he could care less, it was mearly a bonus.

Man... you have a serious hard on for killing people in the Alliance. I’m guessing your dream date would be decapitating six humans and some Gnomes with a Dwarf or two. And then you have sex in their blood.

See this is why I prefer alliance, they’re not as fucking weird.

A troll shaman named Zandali looked at the landmass they were approaching, "Are you sure we need to do this mon?

The hell? Since when are Trolls Jamaican?

Quite Frankly, I don't think the money's worth it."

“Come on brotha, let go of that dem bloodthirst and smoke da ganga mon. We need sum relaxation and celebration up in ‘ere. We be jammin’!”

"This isn't about the money Zandali, it's about finishing what that pacifist fool Thrall should have finished years ago." he said.

His foot long meatball sub sandwich? He still hasn’t finished it? Geez, that must be one big sandwich.

"So you intend to fight the might and armies of the Alliance with just the five of us?" he motioned to the three other members of this raiding party.

There’s only five of you? Well I guess all guilds have to start off somewhere.

The undead warlock, Richard,

(Record Scratch)

Wait what? Richard? As in Richard the Undead Warlock of Looking for Group?



What the hell are you doing here? Do you just love murder so much that you figured it was worth being in a shitty crossover? Seriously, I thought you had standards! Well, as many standards as a crazed murdering undead lich could have, but still! I never thought you’d lower yourself to this level.

was once a wealthy man in life, but after falling prey to the plague of undeath, he rose again as one of the Forsaken, and fell into madness.

Ah it’s not so bad, now he has all the time in the world to slaughter countless innocents.

He now sought to kill any living thing he found, save for his team, who he considered his "family."

I never thought Richard could consider anyone a member of his family. And even then I didn’t think he’d actually decide to spare those who he did consider family. I’m basing that assumption off one of his personal goals in life being settling down, having a few kids and then killing them all, but I digress.

"Kill, gotta kill them all, first the men, then the women, then I eat the children, yes..." he muttered to himself.

Would you like that with fries and a shake sir?

"Father? Are we almost there? I'm hungry!" he cried out in a creepy childish voice.

This is why we should’ve stopped at Kentucky Fried Children on the way over, now he’s gonna be complaining until we arrive.

The other was a Tauren warrior by the name of Caintauras Blackhoof. Like Zandali, she too was reluctant to fight this war after years of peace. However, she was bound by an oath she swore after Gorekill saved her life once.

Yeah she couldn’t let a little thing like morality and personal beliefs get in the way of following a man blindly into certain doom. That would be just silly.

She was the strong silent type, rarely saying anything unless it was important.

Oh yeah, every team in every heist movie has one of those... then they go crazy and start shooting hostages and before long the entire escape plan is fried. What do you think the WoW equivalent of SWAT is cause I get the feeling she’s gonna get gunned down by it.

The other was a priest of the Blood elves, Selenna Skygazer. She was very young compared to the other five,

In other words, she was the jailbait of the group/

but was well experienced in the ways of the priest. She only came on this raid because she was close friends with Zandali...maybe more, but who knew.

I mean there was always this loud banging coming from their quarters accompanied by lots of moaning, but everyone just assumed they were just doing arts and crafts.

"I'll keep fighting them until I drop dead myself. Besides, our provider has given us a means to deal with the soldiers of Darnassus." he said while holding a glowing orb.

So you brought a snow globe with light bulb in it, how is that suppose to help?

Zandali sighed, "Whatever mon, I swear, your hatred for the Alliance is gonna be the death of us all." Zandali was considered an oddity among the fearsome Darkspear tribe. He preferred an easy life,

Just him, the waves and his bong.

living out his days as a hermit out in the Barrens, gathering herbs and skin and selling them for profit,

Why people buy his dead skin, no one knows. But since I was in Jamaica myself I can imagine he snuck up on tourists, forced it into their hands and guilt tripped them into buying it cause he’s poor.

Jamaicans are some of the most annoying salesmen in the world. Trust me on that.

wasting his days talking with the ancestors of his family, smoking his pipe

CALLED IT!

and staring at the clouds, and practicing his skills in the ways of the shaman.

Well he always said he would practice, until he gets high. He could’ve gotten up to the next level by now, but instead he gets high. He’s still low on XP and he knows why, cause he got high, cause he got high, cause he got high.

That was his lifestyle before he met Gorekill. Gorekill was dying after he and Caintauros went into the Wailing caverns and barely got out alive.

Thank god, they’d have had to start all the way back at the graveyard and we know how annoying that is.

He healed them both and impressed Gorekill so much, that he came to regard the troll like a brother. But their ideals never matched. Zandali cared little for the war between the Alliance and Horde, and he greatly worshipped Warchief Thrall.

So he joins the man he doesn’t share the ideals of on a quest to escalate a war he doesn’t believe in, directly defying the orders of the man he worships. No offence Zan, but do you have any of your priorities straight are you just so fucking baked you don’t even know what the hell you’re doing?

"We're almost there, let's get ready for this." said Gorekill as he pulled out an ax.

Gorekill: Remember, I need the shield from the Dungeon boss cause it will boost my defensive stats. Oh and I get the final blow on all the higher tier monsters for the XP, you guys can have the leftovers.
________________________________________

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...

Trader's terrace, Darnassus...

By a miracle, Kala didn't find out about Naruto and Raia sneaking out.

She assumed they just randomly vanished for like six hours. Worst. Mom. Ever.

They both decided not to tell her anything regarding the dagger, er, sword Ashbringer.

Smart move, she’d think you’re both off the Ritalin.

"By Kami, I can only shudder at what she would have done if she found out." thought Naruto

You’d have been exiled to the woods to live out the rest of your days fending off wolves... elven punishments are kinda extreme.

"Hmm? What are you mumbling about?" asked Ashbringer.

The voices are back! So what do you want us to murder now?

"None of your business scrap metal, and stop talking to me, it's getting alittle annoying."

Only a little?

"SCRAP METAL?! How dare you insult me by comparing me to such low-brow trash!!

Sword: I’m made of well forged Titanium jerk! How dare you connect me to the lower unwashed masses of metals beneath me! Stupid working class metals.

If I had a physical body, I'd smack you across the head!" yelled the sword spirit in his head.

Well you’re in his brain, why not cause him irreparable damage in his frontal lobe?

Naruto tuned out his ranting by focusing his attention to his sister, who was practicing her druidic magic.

Ah yes, casting it endlessly on nothing to build up your skill level. Worked for me in Oblivion.

A common spell among the druids was Moonfire, a beam of concentrated moonlight that burned the foe with the power of the Night Elf goddess, Elune.

Screw fears about global warming, solar flares in 2012, radiation seeping through the ozone layer holes, its the moon we have to watch out for guys! Mock my words now but its gonna fry us all someday!

She wasn't having much luck making the moonlight. But she was succussful in performing the Wrath spell, which was a small yellow orb of nature energy, and a healing spell as well.

WEAK! Casting such low level magic. You suck bitch, what a noob. Roflcopter!

"So tell me Scrap metal, what's your story?" asked Naruto

Shoulda read the series bible kid.

"....I swear I'm going to kill you*cough* I'm not quite clear on it myself.

So it’s a bi polar sword.

Sword: Axe Murder Kill! Why yes I can help you.

But I do know this: It was during the assault on Blackrock Spire in the Second War,

Adolf Hitler, not content with fighting the Allies in the real world, signed up an online account and invaded Azeroth! The Allies of course responded with their own account and began their efforts to get Hitler banned. The end result is shown here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=63QtLOByRT4

Later the Russian and Americans would enter a cold war with one another when the guild split up. They kept trying to one up another for XP till the Collapse of the Soviet Union.

Highlord Mograine of the Silver Hand claimed a mysterious dark crystal from a dead orc warlock.

For more on this story buy Highlord Mograine: Tomb Raider Anniversary Edition.

The crystal was the "living embodiment of shadow," and originated from Draenor. Upon touching it, Mograine's hand became afflicted with wounds that could not be healed.

Plastic surgery wouldn’t be around for another 2000 years after all.

Mograine kept the crystal a secret until the first whispers of the Scourge reached Lordaeron.

Russian Ambassador: As you know, the Highlord likes surprises.

He revealed it to the other leaders of the Silver Hand, suggesting that they search for the crystal's polar opposite — a manifestation of the Light itself —

Oh no! It’s the prognasticus McGuffin all over again! AHHHHH!

to be used against the impending undead holocaust.

No... no... I have standards. Not making joke. Refuse to.

Mograine's peers, appalled at the sight of this dark crystal, attempted to destroy it with a holy spell.

Peers: The power of Christ compels you! (Sprinkle holy water on crystal)

Unexpectedly, the crystal absorbed the spell and became its antithesis, the very crystal of pure light that Mograine suggested moments before.

Holy shit they hacked the fucking game! That’s so incredibly cheap! But hey no fetch quest, so I’m not complaining.

It was decided that from this crystal a weapon would be forged that would smite the undead with such power that only a cloud of ash would remain in its wake —The Ashbringer."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qr4PcOQYFAw

I didn’t think I’d be able to find another commonality with Evil Dead in these fanfics... but there you go.

"So that's when you were born?"

Um, technically shouldn’t the phrase be forged?

"Yes"

"So, your some type of super weapon."

"Correct."

Please, you don’t get that title until you become a giant beam of ion particles being fired from a huge orbital kill sat. Until then you’re just a game breaking sword.

"I can't really imagine you having that much power...and what is the Scourge?" he asked

They’re like the Army of Darkness, but they tend to apparently burn the land they step on. Also, they don’t die as funny.

"Disrespectful little*Cough* The Scourge is a faction of the undead, people who have been afflicted by the Great Plague of Undead, and are risen for the Lich King to sow chaos and death, adding more to their numbers."

In short, totally bad ass medieval army of zombies.

"Sounds bad..."

"It is, however, as fate would have it, the Lich King's power wavered only for a second, and a small group of undead broke free from him, becoming the Forsaken."

OMG! Spoilers!

"So their's an entire nation of undead that oppose this... Lich King?" Naruto asked

Two armies of the undead killing each other... again totally bad ass. In fact why don’t we do a story about that? We can dump these lameass elves and watch zombies mutilate one another.

"Yes....your lack of knowledge of the world beyond the shinobi countries is astounding, remind me to educate you on that later." said the sword.

Hey it’s not his fault Kala didn’t teach him geography.

"Oni-chan, is that dagger bothering you again?" asked Raia

Yes Raia, encourage the man’s psychological delusions, that’s a good idea.

"No, not really. Don't worry about me Raia, just keep practicing." he said as she went back to training.

And training she did.

Wow... what a pointless scene. I love how she so casually just drops the whole “I hear voices” conversation as if its normal.

"I'll be back Raia, I'm going for a walk." said Naruto as Raia waved at him and went back to training.

Wow... can you just feel the spine tingling excitement. Truly this story delivers action on a scale never before seen. I amazed by how totally enthralled I am at this incredibly pointless detour in the chapter. Let’s quickly skip to the next scene for more needless filler. Such great writing.

A walk in Darnassus held always presented Naruto something to do. The occasional wisp would float by and greet him, and sometimes a squirrel would scamper about and follow him.

Then it would hump his leg... charming ain’t it?

"I've never seen Darnassus before, I really like how the Night Elves did with the place...

I know, they finally got rid of those damn Hobbits, they were stinking up the place.

oh, look over there!"

Sword: A three headed monkey!

said Ashbringer as Naruto turned to an inn where there were four people outside laughing and drinking outside.

Oktoberfest comes early this year.

A night elf maid was serving them meat, veggies, and ale.

How nice of the elves to get off their high horses for a while.

"What about them?"

Sword: They’re wearing the latest fashions, they look so treyshiek!

"Those are true independent adventurers,

So why aren’t we following them instead of the annoying ninja and the magical voices in his head.

each one is a class. Take the human over there."

Prime stock! Very big, if you know what I mean.

said the sword, motioning

How does a voice motion?

to a red haired man wearing golden plate armor. Strapped to the man's back was a hammer made of crystal.

He also had a title over his head saying Loves2Spoodge.

"That man is a Paladin, a holy warrior that is empowered with the light of the gods.

Giving him a douchebag attitude that declares he’s always right about everything.

Paladins are the virtuous defenders of the weak and tireless enemies of the undead.

Essentially they’re like Ash but with no boomstick.

Mixing elements of the warrior and the clerics of the Holy Light, the paladin is a tough melee fighter.

Aka, the first choice for all MMORPG noobs.

The tradition of the Holy Light is unique to a few of the Alliance races and the blood elves of the paladin is a "Warrior of the Holy Light".

How come this is starting to cound like its been ripped from the manual?

They uphold all that is good and true in the world and reviles all that is evil and sinister — especially undead and the Burning Legion."

Could be worse, they could be like the Templars of Dragon Age, whom range from intolerant religious bigoted mage killing assholes, to righteous do-gooding heroes of the realm. Of course, no matter the choice they’re all addicted to what amounts to magical coke in their world.

"Burning what?"

Burning Legion, it’s an STD. Very nasty.

"I'll tell you about that later

Sword: The manual hasn’t brought it up yet and the writer doesn’t think it’s important right now.

and that dwarf," Naruto then saw the short bearded man and at his side was a big gray bear.

Earned after hours of grinding, farming and grabbing gold.

He had a pair of short swords at his side, and strapped to his back was a giant blunderbass gun.

Blunderbass? That’s a new gun name, I’m assuming it’s a gun made out of a fish.

"He's a hunter,

Much like the Predator but without the Infrared mask.

The hunter is a stalker in the wilds, living on his knowledge of survival and skill with a bow or rifle.

And always on the watch for PeTA.

He is deeply in tune with nature, and some of its mightiest beasts are his allies.

Which makes it easier to kill them and drink their blood.

Of Azeroth's many creatures, few can resist the hunter's call, and fewer can survive his fury.

Although really once you hit level 20 with any character most of the critters are just grinding bait.

Hunters are as varied as the world's many climates, but they are universally renowned for their amazing abilities to find their prey and bring it down. "

Of course their constant shouting of “BOOM HEADSHOT!” over vent gets annoying after awhile.

"So what, the bear's his pet?"

Indeed, they can also be equipped as mounts.



Be afraid

"Yes, the bond between a hunter and his pet is very deep.

It borders on bestiality actually.

Also, that Night elf there.." Naruto saw a shady looking elf who wore black leather armor, and had a pair of knives at his side. He looked as he was a thief or a-

Assassin? Well what do you know, Altair in elf form. Think he’s got a hidden blade in some arm gauntlet?

"He's a rogue, or as we call them Azeroth's legerdemains.

That’s the stupidest secondary title you could give to a rogue. I don’t care if its canon, it sounds ridiculous.

They possess a wide range of skills that allow them to accomplish feats from disarming traps to finding secret doors to smacking a magic item until it works.

So they take the “Hit the damn thing” approach to fixing things? Alright, archaic but I guess if it work...

They are decent in a fight, and if they can strike quickly or unseen — or are flanking an enemy with the help of a thoughtful ally — they can be truly deadly. Of course, they also excel at stealth."

Now if only they had night vision goggles with three eyeholes and spoke like Michael Ironside, then they could so badass.

"Can they be trusted?" he asked

"Depends."

If they’re going for a Dashing Rogue persona like Robin Hood you’re golden.

"on what?"

"On how much money your paying them."

Also how many ale wenches you let them sleep with.

"What about her?" Naruto motioned to a women that was hardly wearing any armor like the other,s just a detailed robe with rune markings on them.

Oh she’s a prostitute, she keeps up morale.

"Ah, she's a mage, the most common of arcanists, are found all over Azeroth.

They prefer to be called Wicca or Wiccans actually.

They focus on magic that creates and that changes things, most often with the purpose of damaging their enemies and boosting the power of their allies.

Mostly they just continually spam spell after spell until their mana bar runs dry and they have slurp down another potion.

Mages understand the workings of arcane energy so well that they can counter most magic with great effectiveness."

Yet for some reason they never use that same power to flee from being burned at the stake. Weird really.

Suddenly, Naruto saw his guardian, Kala, walk into the group.

And she began to give all the men blow jobs!

"Seems like your guardian knows them."

I bet she does, if you know what I mean.

Kala then say him, and called out to him, "Naruto-kun, come here for a minute, I want you to meet some friends of mine."

Kala: I need help blowing them!

Naruto immediately ran to the inn and stood by Kala's side as she introduced her four friends.

Larry, Moe, Curly Joe and Shep! It’s rare to see them altogether.

"Oi, is this the little laddie you been telling us about?" asked the dwarf, who's name was Bailm Harkstone

Balim: How would you like to ‘ave som’ Haggis laddie? It put ‘air on your chest it will!

"Ahh! He's so cute, and the whisker marks make him even cuter!!" said the human women who patted Naruto on his head. Her name was Tira Starnova

You’re the Ditz of the group aren’t you?

The night elf rogue, who's name was simply Nene, said nothing, just a nod from him and he went back to eating.

Well he has good manner at least, never talk with your mouth full.

"So he's from that contient to the south of The eastern kingdoms? I hope to go there one day myself." said the paladin, who's named Theoden Trollslayer

You know considering the trolls are sentient I have an issue with that name. I know they’re your enemies, but that’s like calling a US solider calling himself Danny Ragheadslayer. It screams offensive on so many levels.

as he patted Naruto on the back. No sooner when he did, he briefly sensed two incredible sources of power inside his tiny body.

Oh boy, cue shit-fit. A few minutes from now he’s gonna be weighing the options between exorcism or killing him.

One felt demonic, more demonic then the biggest demon he had ever faced.

You faced The Shambling Corporate Presence? Damn man you got guts. He eats smaller business like no tomorrow. Although he does waste a lot of time on minesweeper.

Oh what you people don’t know who he is? Fine, click here:

http://samandmax.wikia.com/wiki/Shambling_Corporate_Presence

Almost like a warlock's fel energies. But it was more...beastial and primal..and angry. Like a devil had come and chose the boy as his new mortal shell.

Well he is hearing voices that tell him to kill...

The other felt warm and wonderful, so much love... so much grace... there were no words, it was impossible to describe... like a goddess had chosen this boy and was now residing in his body.

You mean to tell me that he’s been possessed by the spirit of Wonder Woman? I don’t know how to feel about this, one hand there’s a hot girl inside Naruto on the other hand there is a hot girl... inside Naruto! Five year old... Naruto... he is getting more action then me by this definition and I also feel as if I should call child services.

Both were intertwining inside this boy's body and brought balance to each other.

OH boy, another ying and yang Aesop, goody. Just what we needed.

The holy energy however, was more active then the demonic one. The demonic one felt like it was asleep, just waiting for the right moment to explode.

It felt more like waiting for now, it hadn’t finished playing Fallout 3 yet and it really wants to start up Dragon Age after that. Naruto has plenty of time.

Theoden did not want to be there the day it happened.

But you’re a templar! Isn’t your job to kill demons?

"Kala, umm, may I talk to you for a moment." he asked

“We need to discuss the fact your adopted son has the elder god Cthulhu inside him. Oh and I need another blow job

Both of them moved away from the group for a second, "Care to explain to me why that child has not one, but two incredible spirits in his body?"

“Also you promised us cake, I was told there would be cake here. The cake is a lie.”

Kala's eye went wide, "Two? But there was suppose to only be one,

I ordered only one voice in his head! Those bastards at the drive through can’t get anything right!

the Kyubi no Yoko."

This time, Theoden's eyes went wide, "THE KYU-MMPH!" Kala quickly covered his mouth and made sure Naruto was out of hearing range.

We’re lucky he didn’t use intimidating shout for that.

"Yes, THE Kyubi no Yoko. Our old friend Minato sacrificed his life in order to save his home. He sealed the beast inside his own son."

To which the paladin SHOULD respond: “That’s kinda fucked up man.”

"He's his son?....He does resemble Minato greatly."

Theoden: I mean how many naturally blonde Asians are there?

"Off subject, now tell me, what was this other power you said was in him?" she asked.

You’ve just revealed your adopted son has a demon in him! I think if I was told that I’d have a ton of far more important questions to ask.

"I'm clear on it myself, it was similiar to the Holy light...but on a much larger scale." he said

It’s was like that scene from 2001: A Space Odyssey. You know “Its full of stars”. That was classic.

"...I think we need to take him back to Konoha if this the case,

Aren’t these the same people who wanted to murder him? You sure that’s a smart idea?

They may know what we're dealing with.

Yeah, maybe they’ll be nice enough to explain things before slitting his throat. Honestly Kala, use your fucking brain already!

I've kept my eyes on him and I could feel the demon. He was asleep all these years, but never once have I felt anything close to the Holy Light you paladins wield." she said.

Maybe that’s because you’re not a paladin and from what I got from the copypasta manual up there, they’re the only ones who can feel that.

"Take another look, this could have been recent." Theoden said

I highly doubt it, considering the fucking laser cannon he was able to produce when he was a baby was obviously this power. If she couldn’t see it then how can she see it-

Kala then did what she hadn't done in over a year. She increased her awareness to magical energy, or chakra. What she saw was blinding. A brilliant light shone inside Naruto's body.

The hell? What did she fail a “Locate Holy Light” check four times in a row every year she did this? Was she just not looking for it? COME ON! Are you telling me she pulled this at least one year prior and she couldn’t see this thing even though it’s obvious it’s been there since he was a infant? That doesn’t make any sense at all!

She could make out a red energy no doubt the Kyubi's, and another. It had a more softer glow, and a humaniod shape, a beautiful female shape.

Oh boy! Start the recorder! Start the recorder!

The figure in Naruto's body then turned around and saw Kala.

Shit! She’s spotted us! Cheese it gang!

Kala quickly stopped and gasped. Those eyes, empty but filled with such grace and power. It was nothing like she had seen in her lifetime, and she had lived for a very long time.

Kala then noticed some kids playing on her lawn and quickly told them to get off it while waving her walking stick and chucking tons of her cats at them.

"What..what was that?!" she gasped.

"Was it a demon?"

Paladin: Cause if it is it’s stabby time!

"No, something far above that." she said as she regained her composure.

At the very least, it looks sexy. I’d probably hit if I didn’t know it was annoying comedy relief character.

"Should we tell him?"

You wanna tell him he has the glowing body of a hot chick in him along with a demon? Be my guest, I’m sure it won’t scar his psyche at all.

"Best let Sarutobi tell him."

We’re still going with the plan to bring him back to the village that wanted to kill him? Alright, fine, whatever, be a bunch of idiots see if I care.

"The old man's still alive?"

Konoha has a very good healthcare program.

________________________________________

Back with Naruto..

"So Laddie, when's your birthday?" asked Bailm

"October 10th"

"Remind me to give this lad a gift the next time we see him." said Bailm.

Balim: In Dwarven culture we give our six year olds their first flagon of mead and an axe and let them go crazy on anything alive!

"I still can't get over how cute he is!!" said Tira,

Maybe you can take him with you to go shopping then?

who had Naruto in her lap while rubbing her hand through his hair.

Naruto: Um... do I need an adult?

Naruto didn't have much female contact besides Kala and Raia, so he was alittle shy and blushing too.

He was also wondering about this strange feeling in his pants.

Nene said nothing and just watched his friends mess with Naruto. But then, he caught a scent on the wind...blood.

And quickly he went into a lustful rage and had to excuse himself from the temple, lest they find out that he was one of the creatures of the night and he craved human flesh.

Bailm's pet bear, Misa, suddenly rose from her resting spot and let out a loud roar.

I think she smells a picnic basket nearby. Call the Ranger!

"What is it girl?" asked Bailm, but Misa took off in a rush, "Oi, Misa, behave!" yelled the dwarf as he ran after his pet.

Who has no doubt crashed through the front door and destroyed several pieces of furniture. Seriously, it’s friggin bear.

Nene stood up and said, "Tira, we have to go."

Tira: But I’m not like, done with Naruto. I wanna dress him up in pretty outfits and show him to all my girlfriends.

When Nene spoke, it had to be important, so she put Naruto back on the ground, "Sorry Naruto, but Auntie Tira has to go now, I'll see you later, k?"

Quick Naruto, lock yourself in your room before she returns.

Naruto nodded as Nene and her took off.

Naruto decided to get back with Raia and see how she was doing.


Naruto has a short attention span. Naruto has apparently forgotten a giant bear was in their house two seconds ago.

Why is this author not using “he”? The constant use of “Naruto” is redundant.

"Naruto, do you feel anything..funny?" asked Ashbringer

Naruto: Well Tira gave me a cramp in my pants. Does that count?

"No, and what did I say about talking to me?" he said

You let it talk for a whole twenty minutes about pointless shit you can read in the WoW manual, why do you suddenly want it to shut up again now?

"I know I know, but still, notice all the people running?" she asked

It was true, some of the night elf civilians were running towards the Temple of the Moon.

How the fuck do you miss that? The entire town is running towards the center of the village and you apparently need a voice in your head to tell you? God Naruto you’re slow.

Also, various soldiers were running towards the portal gate from Rut'theran Village.

Maybe I was right about Naruto having a short attention span. A comet could drop next to him and he wouldn’t notice.

________________________________________

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jul 5 2010, 02:48 PM

[Lizard-Man]

Portal gate...

Various soldier lay either unconcious, wounded or dead as the raiding party entered.

None of them counted for XP though... don’t tell them that.

Gorekill licked the blood off his ax as he kicked a night elf's body into the water.

Dude you got issues, serious issues.

"So we're in, any ideas where she is?" asked Selenna

"Most likely the Temple of the Moon." said Caintauras

Which is probably loaded with guards by now since you alerted the whole damn village by busting through the door and killing everyone. No offence guys, but I thought assassins were suppose to be stealthy. You guys are less subtle than a giant blunt club to the skull.

Zandali stood over a fallen female night elf warrior, who looked at him with hate in her eyes, "Well...go on..finish it!!" she growled at him.

“I prefer it this way honestly, I’ve grown rather tired of living.

Zandali instead grabbed a healing potion and placed it near her, "When this blows over, drink that, it should fix ya up."

“Oh wow, thanks. That’s kind of you, I suddenly forgive you for slicing apart my friends and co-workers now and leaving me mortally wounded why you go off to kill our religious leader.”

The night elf female looked at him in shock.

Suddenly, Gorekill ran up to Zandali and punched him across the face. Afterwards, he swung his ax and killed the night elf.

Yes I can see why you consider him your brother Zan. He’s such a nice guy.

"What the hell is wrong with you? We do not help our enemies, we kill them!!" he yelled

“And then we eat their hearts and their children. Get with the program man!”

"Gorekill, who da hell do you think your talking to to?" said Zandali as he gave the orc a menacing stare, "I do what I want to do mon, if I wanna help a fallen foe, I will, If I wanna kill them" he shot a bolt of lighting at another injured night elf, killing him, "I will."

Are you bi-polar or something? You help one injured elf then you senselessly murder another. Honestly your morality scale is all over the place.

Gorekill just scoffed and they continued their assault. It was too easy, till the giant tree-like guardians of the city arrived. Most called them ancients, ents, or treants, or other names.

I call them Tree people.

"Oh, walking flowers! Can I kill them papa?!" asked Richard as he set them on fire.

Richard... really? You use to be cool man, since when did you become a murdering man-child?

Now was the time, Gorekill held up the orb he recieved from his contractor and activated it.

Several meteors fell from the sky.

Hey how’d he get the meteor spell form Final Fantasy into this game? I call haxxor on this one.

They landed in random spots of the city causing wildfires here and there. From the craters that formed rose giant flaming golem demons from the Twisting Nether, Infernals.

Time for some elf flambé I guess.

Infernals held no allegiance to anyone, they were wild demons that killed everything in their sight.

So they could attack Gorekill’s men as well... smart man, real smart. Unleash an unpredictable incredibly dangerous group of creatures on your attackers who will blindly kill anything and everything. I can see why they picked you as the leader.

"The Infernals will distract the guards while we go to the Temple, let's move!" yelled Gorekill as his raid party ran towards the temple.

And were quickly burned alive by one of those Infernals Gorekill shot off of course.

That is until a large bear got in their way.



Smokey the Bear is unpleased, did you not hear his warnings? Now he has no choice. He must kill you.

"What's this? A teddy bear?! I'll make a pelt out of his hide!!" yelled Richard

Close... I guess... but its still not up to par with Richard’s usual hilarious oneliners.

before a large BANG was heard. One of Richard's hands fell off.

"AHHH!!! MY HAND!!" yelled Richard.

Richard: No! That’s a man’s only true friend! How am I suppose to please myself now? No woman wants to have sex with a ghoul!

"I was aiming for yah head, guess I was abit off." said a gruff voice. A dwarf wearing fur armor and mail armor came out from his shooting spot.

How can you wear two armour types at once? I’m assuming you mean only parts of his outfit are chainmail or fur? Its just confusing.

"You chose the wrong day for a raid yah bastards. Now you'll face the might of Bailm Harkstone!!"

I’m sure all the dead guards and burning elves appreciate your speedy arrival.

"A hunter eh? Richard, go play with him for abit while we head for the temple." said Gorekill as he and the other, minus Richard, ran ahead.

Well he was extremely easy to get past considering he had a friggin bear and all.

"OH no yah don't!!" yelled Bailm

"GRAHHH!!!!" yelled Richard as he practically flew from where he was standing and nearly cut Bailm's head off with a knife.

Jeez so much jumping around in this story, no scene is properly developed at all. Its kinda disorienting.

"Great Goblin balls! That was close!" he yelled as he pulled out his pair of swords.

Goblin balls? What kind of swear is that?

Misa, Bailm's pet bear, ran at Richard to tear him apart.

Richard mearly smirked as he took his knife and cut open his arm.

And now Richard is an emo, great.

Decayed blood slowly bleed out, but it was all he needed.

Oh bloodmagic... well it’s the same thing, it always requires cutting of some kind.

He smeared some of it on the ground and said "Summoning technique!!"

Wait, what? That’s from Naruto, how is a WoW character using an anime technique? I know its a crossover, but that doesn’t mean he can suddenly use Ninja powers.

a large explosion rocked the area as a large purple hand flew from the smoke and grabbed Misa.

Oh boy, he’s opened a hell mouth. Just what we needed right now.

A voidwalker, a demon made of dark chakra, had Misa pinned to the ground.

Dark Chakra? Really? How is it that a zombie has chakra? It’s called mana in WoW, why is its name changed here? Does this mean ninjas can use WoW attacks? Can Kakashi perform divine intervention and intimidating shout?

"How do you like my 'pet'?" asked Richard

Well it’s no bear, not nearly as cool...

as he grabbed his lopped off hand and placed it back in it's socket.

Richard: This is always happening, I need to keep this thing on a leash or something.

"Get your dirty claws off Misa!!" yelled Bailm

Yeah he spent a lot of time and effort levelling that thing up, you kill it and we gotta start from scratch.

as he took his rifle and shot a bullet covered in magic, an Arcane Shot.

Science and sorcery! Working together to destroy demons!

The magic bullet hit the demon in the face and it recoiled backwards.

The reference to the magic bullet allows me to do this:

The demon’s head went back and to the left, Back and to the left, Back and to the left, Back and to the left.

Misa took the chance to rise and begin mauling the demon with her claws.

That’s a pretty badass image actually, nothing to mock here.

"Shadow Bolt!!" yelled Richard as he shot two bolts of dark energy from his hands, Bailm barely dodged them in time.

Since when do we have to shout our attacks to summon them? Better question, since when did WoW get hit with the anime bug!

"We're gonna have a hell of time!!" yelled Richard as he continued to shoot after Bailm, who knew that he had to strike soon if he wanted to survive.

He’s a zombie man! You have a gun! Shoot the head already!

________________________________________

Naruto's location...

Naruto ran around in the crowd, trying to find Kala and Raia.

Maybe you should head for your house, you know, the one you apparently decided to leave for no adequately explained reason.

But all around him were night elf soldiers trying to kill the flaming golems that were attacking the Trade district.

My heart is black, and my lips are cold, cities on flame with rock n’ roll!

He called out for them as he dodged some falling debris.

Thanks for the description... or lack of description... whatever.

"Naruto, maybe Kala and Raia are at the Temple of the Moon, did she tell you that if there was danger, you go to the Temple?" said Ashbringer

"Oh yeah, that's right." said Naruto as he ran as fast as he could towards the temple of the moon.

You needed to be reminded about what Kala taught you to do in an emergency by the voice in your head? Yeah, okay, maybe I was a little hard on this sword before, Naruto would probably be dead already if it wasn’t for it’s help.

________________________________________

Temple of the Moon...

Gorekill swung his ax and sent another night elf guard flying,

Guard: WHEEEEEE!

while Zandali empowered him with the use of a Earthskin totem and a Searing Totem to strike his foes with fireballs.

Cause he wasn’t psycho enough without invulnerability and the ability to blow things up with his hands!

Caintauras swung her giant iron hammer as she swept through the night elf soldiers.

I can just imagine the sound effects. Mainly, SQUISH. It’s so nice to read an action scene where there’s no Adam West Batman word pop ups.

Selenna healed them of any serious wounds. She kept close to Zandali for protection, a priest's true strength is healing others, not direct combat.

Which means, of course, if anyone walked up to her and took a swing at her now she’d get totally wasted in less than two minutes flat. This is why you build up
the strength and constitution stats folks.

"Hahaha!! See how they fall before us, this is the might of the Horde!!" yelled Gorekill as he cut a night elf soldier in half.

Yes, mindless senseless destruction. Pretty much what is expected, you’re not doing much to prove the stereotype wrong.

Treant defenders came in and tried to strangle them with their roots. Gorekill simply used the power of the black orb and killed them.

Lameass description as usual, this black orb is fucking gamebreaker.

Suddenly, a burst of light shot from the entryway to the temple.

Watch out, it’s got a level five plus stat against crazy ass orcs.

Gorekill nearly got hit if he hadn't blocked the blast with his ax.

That’s why you work on the block skill kids.

"For too long the cease-fire between our factions has kept the peace, why break it now?" asked Theoden as he came into view.

Theoden: I mean seriously dude, what’s your problem?

With him was Kala.

Where the hell were you assholes two minutes ago?

Gorekill growled, "That is our business Paladin, Zandali, can you take care of him?" he asked.

Zan: Not now mon, I ain’t finished with my manwich.

Zandali said nothing but placed another totem on the ground.

Oh boy, now he’s gonna convince them to buy it even though it’s a worthless knickknack.

Gorekill and Caintauras ran past the paladin and druid, who found that they couldn't move.

Oh I hate stasis, it’s such a lame power. All it does is pause the enemy for a bit and no matter how much you shoot they never seem to take damage.

Theoden then knew it was the troll's Earthbind totem that prevented him from moving. With one blast of light, he destroyed it.

Weak!

"Hey mon, may I ask you something?" asked Zandali

“You got any ganga on ya mon? I’m seriously low ‘ere, tell me you’re cool.”

as he stared the human in the eye, "What would happen if I was to say I can't fight you and I'd let you go on ahead to stop him?"

“Oh NOW you’ve decided to betray him. I’m sure the injured elf you murdered appreciates it.

Theoden's eyes went wide, "What would that accomplice?"

No, no, accomplish, not accomplice, that’s a totally different word. This is why Microsoft Word has a synonym button.

"Gorekill's after the High priestess, he intends to strike a blow to the alliance and rekindle the war. He's gonna use some kinda magic orb to take her down, I suggest you get going mon."

“I still have to finish what’s left of me manwich.”

After hearing this, Theoden and Kala ran as fast as they could to the top of the temple.

"Was that wise?" asked Selenna

Who the hell cares? Gorekill is a major tool.

"Selenna, I hate to kill others without reason, what Gorekill's doing is exactly what his ancestors did back on Draentor, right after they drank the blood of Mannoroth the pit lord.

See Warcraft Bible for more information on this relatively useless fact.

I'd much rather avoid all this fighting nonsense....Selenna, I think we need to move, I get the feeling Gorekill is gonna do something he'll regret." said Zandali

You just know though Theoden is having a major issue with not killing the troll though. After all its in his name.

________________________________________

With Gorekill...

More and more night elves fell before the might of Gorekill as he continued his massacure of the night elves.

Redundant description is incredibly redundant, just like this redundant chapter.

Caintauras however, did not kill, she only knocked them out with her hammer.

By knock them out I assume you mean “squash like a melon.”

"Die you alliance dogs, DIE!!" Gorekill screamed as he cleaved another soldier in half.

Someone is seriously off his meds.

Suddenly, Caintauras came across a room full of women and children civilians.

I don’t like where this is going.

Gorekill smiled as he started his way towards them,

Gorekill: Oh boy! Snacks! Murder sure works up an appetite!

but Caintauras grabbed him.

"No, let me, go finish the job and let's leave." she said.

Gorekill smiled, "Fine, but don't kill all of them, save some of them for me." he said as he left.

Gorekill: I want the redheads! They taste the best!

The women and children cowered in fear as the Tauren stood in the doorway.
But she did nothing.

She only said that to Gorekill so they could be spared from his bloodlust. She had no intention to slay innocent women and children.

Really if all of Gorekill’s friends are this against his stupid plan and think he’s fucking insane why did they come along?

Back with Gorekill, he ran into a battalion of druids, but one use of the orb and he drained their mana, or magical power, the power to use their spells.

Oh I’m sure they still have chakra or do only zombie warlocks get that?

Oh and thanks for the overly describing things again. Really necessary.

Without their spells, the druids were forced to use their animal forms, panther from

He screwed up once, that is far better then you know who though. If you wanna take a shot, fine, but it’s not part of the game.

and Bear form. But It would take more than mere animal fury to take Gorekill down.

Gorekill: GOREKILL SMASH!

Tapping into the haze of his bloodlust, Gorekill saw nothing but red as he hacked and slashed at his foes.

That can’t be good for his perception.

Some of the druids backed down to heal their wounds.

Soon, he came to the room that held the target, Tyrande Whisperwind, leader of the night elves.

There she was, standing in the middle of the room, as if she was expecting him.

Yeah, smart move, wait for the paid assassin to kill you. Genius.

"So, you've managed to get this far, even with a easy way in." she said as she stared at him with amber glowing eyes.

Well if he had an easy way in of course he got this far!

"Of course, anything to kill you alliance dogs, even if I have to sell my soul to a demon, I WILL!!"

Mind giving us an explanation for your pointless aggression or... not?

yelled Gorekill as he raised the orb at Tyrande, which shot a purple energy blast at her.

Your orb fires purple magic? Pft, queer.

She countered it with a shield of magic that deflected the blast into a random wall.

Tyrande: Bitch please.

"Do you really think that'll work?" she said as lighting gathered in her hand and shot it forth at Gorekill, who used the orb of dark magic to absorb it.

Aww, now I can’t make an “Unlimited POWWWEERRR!” joke.

Suddenly, he felt a blade at his throat, and found that a night elf rogue had him in his grasp.

Rogue: Surprise Buttsex!

"Move even an inch, and I'll lop your head off orc." Nene said.

No! Don’t wait! Kill it now! It’s insane and incredibly retarded!

"Hold him still Nene, I'll freeze him in place." said Tira as she gathered frost magic to her hands. Most mages specialize in either Fire Magic, Arcane Magic, or Ice Magic. Tira was an obvious master of the latter.

Thank you for the really unnecessary exposition once again.

Ice formed around Gorekill's legs as Nene let him go. Gorekill screamed and struggled to get loose.

Gorekill: NO! Don’[t stop me now! There’s so many more things to kill!

"My lady, are hurt?" asked Nene as he bowed before her.

"Yes,

How? He never even touched you?

thank you for your assistance rogue, now if you excuse me, I have an orc to punish." she said as she walked past Nene to confront and interrogate the orc

Or you could just kill the thing already. It’s what I’d do, there’s obviously no reasoning with it.

Suddenly, a blond haired child walked in, "Auntie Tira, have you seen Kala-san?"

Are you serious? You just decided to walk over how many dead bodies all the way up here to ask that fucking question? Where are Kala and the others? Didn’t you pass them on your way up? So many plot holes.

"Naruto-kun!! What are you doing here?!" asked Tira as she ran to the little blond's side.

The fuck if I know, the damn story never makes sense to me.

"He's...the child who holds the Kyubi... interesting, he's aware of the situation but he shows no signs of fear.." thought Tyrande.

Maybe he’s just a total fucking idiot? Ever think of that?

Gorekill then took this opportunity to throw his ax at Tyrande, who quickly managed to dodge in the nick of time.

DENIED!

"Do not think I'm not prepared for this..." said Gorekill as he pulled out a knife...and cut open his chest. Blood squirted out in a gush and Gorekill screamed in pain.

The fuck are you doing man!?!

"He's crazy!!" screamed Tira, who had covered little Naruto's eyes to prevent him from seeing such a sight.

"No..it's all part of his plan." said Nene

Plan? Really? How did you gather that? Usually when someone gorges themselves like that it’s never a good sign.

Gorekill then took the black orb and shoved it into his ribcage and placed it inside his heart.

How the hell is even able to stand? He ripped open his chest! That tends to kill some people.

The orb glew a black color as mysterious growths emerged from the orb and started to spread through out Gorekill's body.

Great now he’s got tumours, damn if this plan ain’t smart.

Black wings sprouted from his body, which was increasing in size, several rows of horns then framed his face as his eyes changed to a black color. A large tail sprouted from his back as an extra pair of legs also formed, and finally, a mane of flame erupted from his backside.

As if he needed more steroids, now he’s jack-up on demon juice!

"He's become a demon!" yelled Tyrande as she backed away from the freshly born demon.

Well better get out the cross and phone up the nearest priest.

"He's become a pit lord!!" said Nene as he grabbed his two swords and stood between it and Tyrande.

Further proving he’s a total haxxor.

"GRAHHH!!!" screamed the pit lord as the very shockwave of it's voice threw Nene backwards into a wall.

See what happens when you don’t kill the crazy mo-fos?

A spear of flame appeared in the demon's hands as it stomped it's way to Tyrande, who unleashed a massive wave of magic to repel it outside.

Tyrande: YOU SHALL NOT PASS!

But the demon somehow absorbed the energy and stored it in it's gut, which expanded to give it a pot belly.

And now it just looks silly.

As a matter of fact, it seemed to be absorbing all of the magic in the room. Tira and Tyrande both found it difficult to summon the mana required for their spells.

Oh I hate mana suckers, it so hard to get a shot off and they go through your damn potions and energy orbs like a kid through cotton candy.

With one swipe, the pit lord smashed Tyrande across the room.

It worked so much better for Gandalf.

"Naruto-kun, stay here, for Auntie Tira.

Don’t leave the room, stay in it, the same room with the giant fucking demon! I hope you don’t have kids of your own.

LADY TYRANDE!!" she screamed as she teleported between the pit lord and Tyrande

Yeah that’s gonna help out. The Ditz is our last hope folks, we’re doomed.

"Summoning technique!!" she cried as a spiral of water appeared on the floor. From it emerged a Water elemental spirit, it was nearly half the pit lord's size.

OH COME ON! Now she can do Naruto verse moves?

"Frozen Wave of the Divine Blue!" she cried as she combined her ice magic with the water magic of Water Elemental. A tital wave of water and ice covered the pit lord head to toe. It's body began to freeze over as more and more ice formed on it's body.

Too bad it doesn’t have anti-freeze for blood.

"Just alittle more..." she thought as the pit lord stopped moving.

The pit lord however, broke free from the ice and shot a wave of flame and dark energy. The water elemental stood in the path of the blast, and took the blunt of it, shielding Tira. However, it wasn't enough, the spirit faded away and Tira was blasted with it full force.

This is what happens when you put a ditz in charge of protecting somebody folks.

"TIRA!!" yelled Nene as he jumped on the pit lord's head and started stabbing at it's face.

Wow, someone has balls. Big hairy sweaty balls at that. Whatever they’re paying you isn’t enough.

The pit lord however, bucked and roared as it threw him off. In mid-air, the pit lord brought it's tail down on Nene and smashed him into the concrete ground.

OW! God, that has to hurt.

He didn't move after that.

Nene: Mommy why are the birdies flying around my head?

Naruto stood there in fear as the Pit lord eyed him for a second before it made it's way to Tyrande.

Too stringy I guess.

"You fool!! What do you think your doing?! Get in there and help!!" yelled Ashbringer as the small dagger formed in Naruto's hands.

Yes, ask the five year old to help kill a friggin demon, nevermind what I said guys, this sword is as detrimental to Naruto’s health as he is.

"I'm...I'm scared.." said Naruto as he trembled at the presence of the demon.

"There is no time for fear, fear leads to defeat. Only those with courage and determination can win!!

Everyone else can go suck a lemon though.

Think, what will that demon do once it's done with Lady Tyrande, it'll go after everyone else, even Kala and Raia!!

Sucks, problem, he’s five! What do you expect him to do?

We need to open up a can of whup ass on this guy!! Are we gonna let that happen?!"

"N-No.."

Which one are you not going to let happen exactly? The can of whoop ass or the killing of your adoptive family?

"I'm sorry, I think I heard some fear there, say it again, this time with courage. I ask again, are we gonna let that thing win!?"

Sword: Answer me maggot! Let me see your war face!

"No!" said Naruto with alittle more omph in his voice.

"I said, Are we gonna let it win?!"

Sword: You call that a war face!

"NO!"

"ARE WE GONNA LET THAT THING WIN?!"

Sword: That’s a war face! Now let me see your real war face!

"NO!!!" screamed Naruto as he ran towards the demon with no fear, just courage and determination to protect those precious to him.

Well he’s boned.

The demon stopped his advance at Tyrande and saw the little 5 year old charging him. It laughed as it raised his flaming spear.

Demon: Well, one murder today won’t hurt.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? RUN AWAY NOW!" screamed Tyrande, only to see an amazing sight.

A three headed monkey?

Around the boy was a bright glowing aura of power.

Naruto’s got the touch. He’s got the POWEEEEEEEEERRRRR! YEAH!

Naruto was glowing with it as the dagger in his hands suddenly grew to a ridiculous size of 5 feet long and 3 feet wide.

Which means he should be unable to carry it, but he’s an anime character so physics don’t apply!

But what astounded her more was what exactly he held in his hands, The Ashbringer.

Also known as the annoying as fuck talking sword.

The silver blade glew with light as the floating jewel that was at it's edge glew a blue color. She also saw the image of a ghostly young girl holding his hand as he ran.

And now the voice is helping him to kill, how wonderful.

The pit lord then suddenly started roaring in pain, the very light from Naruto and the Ashbringer was burning it's skin.

Shoulda wore SPF 50 sunblock.

"Sei Ken Zan (Holy Sword Slash)!!" yelled Naruto as he swung the blade only once and a large blade of light shot from Ashbringer. The energy blade cut into the demon, who screamed in pain as it used it's wings to fly right through the ceiling into the sky to escape.

Demon: OH GOD! RIGHT IN THE DADDY ZONE! NOT COOL!

Tiny feathery wings then sprouted from Naruto's back as he flew after it.

Okay... what the hell? Seriously? We’re going here? Okay seriously, this is just fucking stupid.

"Sei Ken Gan (Holy Sword Sphere)!!" yelled Naruto as a ball of light formed at the tip of the blade and he swung it again. The ball flew and hit it's target dead on, thus ending the former orc Gorekill. A large explosion filled the sky over Darnassus as the soldiers and civilians looked up to see a falling figure descend back into the temple.

Gorekill died as he lived, in a storm of massive violence, blood and guts. I have a feeling he would’ve wanted it that way.

Using the full power of the Ashbringer had exhausted Naruto, and had fallen asleep after that last attack.

Oh sure he was badass before, but he just wasn’t as impressive when he was sucking his thumb in his sleep though.

Tyrande caught him in her arms and just gazed at him with awe.

Tyrande: Crap, I got saved by a five year old... this is really embarrassing.

She also noticed that the blade had shrank back down to the size of a dagger.

Don’t worry Naruto honey, you’ll be able to hold it longer with age.

"This child...he's gonna do something great in his life, I just know it." thought Tyrande as she smiled at Naruto's sleeping form.

Yes he will, he’ll start massive pop cultural phenomenon and rake in millions of dollars.

"Ashbringer...did I..open up a can of whup ass?" asked Naruto

"Naruto...you just opened up a whole case of whup ass!!" said the sword as Naruto drifted off into his dreams

Sword: Now that this is taken care of, you know what to do next right Naruto? Burn the temple down. BURN’EM ALL!

________________________________________

End of chapter..

So, what ya'll think?

It’s still shit... and painfully long.

That enough action to soil your pants?

It was bland, drawn out, poorly described and dull with only touches of gripping scenery. No I was not soiled.

I included these characters in order to explain the various classes of Warcraft to the non-players out there.

That’s excuse for the overly long manual copy/pastes? Dude, if a person doesn’t like Warcraft they aren’t going to read a crossover about it!

Also, as you have read, the spirit of the sword is female. No, they will not pair up, but she'll get jealous from time to time.

Great, so she’s like Cortona but not as helpful, not as sexy and not as funny. Super.

Read and review please!

-----------------------------------------------

Again the story isn’t bad, it’s just... stupid. A lot of this stuff is also pretty fucking boring. These chapters are really long, this one was shorter but it’s still long. And not long in a good way like Mass Effect 2 I mean long in a bad way like a three hour film about a hippy school.

Whatever, tune in next time.

[cross the bloodstained]

The hell? Since when are Trolls Jamaican?

since the old days of Warcraft1, that and deathknight trolls are kinda funny to listen to.

[Lizard-Man]

I know I haven’t updated in awhile, it’s mainly because these chapters are painfully long, aggravating and dull. Nothing significant has really happened, most of it is filler and personally I’d rather be playing my video games then reading this. However, lucky you, I finished Mass Effect 2 and I got nothing else to do anyway. So, where were we? Oh Naruto killed a orc turned demon or something.
--------------------------------

Naruto: Ashbringer of Konoha

by animeman2008

Ch 3: There and back again, a Naruto tale

Coicidentally, that title is just as contrived and stupid sounding as a regular Naruto episode title.

Me: Welcome to my next chapter!!

Now with even more pointless filler.

By the way, I picked out theme songs for the characters, what reason? Helps me think and expand the plot.

As long as you don’t use them in fic and turn this into another musical I’m fine with that. I really don’t want to go through more annoying song segments like last fic.

Music can do that.

Agreed, doesn’t mean you should make your story a musical though. So please don’t.

Enough about me, on with the story.

Disclaimer: I own nothing

Its why he’s on the street playing his guitar poorly.
________________________________________

Trade district..

"NOOOO!! DADDY!!" yelled Richard

“We were gonna go out for Ice Cream after the mass murder!”

before a loud BANG was heard and his head flew off. Richard's body slumped to the floor as his voidwalker minion faded away.

No! Not Richard! What will we do without his glorious murderous tendencies!?

"Damn warlock..." said Bailm as he too saw the explosion in the sky.

Well Richard may be gone, but his musical number “Slaughter your World” will live on in our hearts forever.

"What the devil are they doing up there? Come on Misa!" yelled the dwarf as he jumped on the bear's back and she took off as fast as a bear could move.

Dwarf on bear back... fucking metal. It almost makes me forget the emptiness in my heart I feel at the news of Richard’s death... or second death considering he’s undead.
________________________________________

Temple of the Moon...

Now featuring a sermon about the dangers of looking directly at moonlight. Remember kids, moonbeams kill.

Theoden and Kala had barely entered the main temple to see little Naruto fly into the sky and defeat the pit lord.

Most interesting thing to happen at church in years.

Tyrande Whisperwind held the little boy in her arms.

Aww, isn’t he just the cutest little demon slayer/possessed victim?

"Lady Tyrande, is he alright?" asked Kala as she took the boy.

"He's fine, he's just tired for the moment...

You know what it’s like killing a demon, totally drains your stamina and mana bars. Just give him a potion and he’ll be okay.

I suggest you check on your friends." said Tyrande.

You know, before all the XP and good loot for themselves. This is why I prefer RPGs with singular characters, Computer generated party members can’t nab all the cool shit for themselves.

"Nene, Tira!!" yelled Theoden as he rushed to his friends sides to heal them with his holy magic.
Hmm, I wonder if that works on you if you’re an atheist in this world?

"Lady Tyrande...what did my adopted son just do?"

He totally ass raped a demon orc with a medieval lightsaber, what do you think he did?

"He has shown the ability to wield a legendary blade of great power, one that we thought was lost to us during the third war,

Well if you people knew how to keep track of your shit you wouldn’t have had that problem would you?

the Ashbringer."

Kala gasped as she looked at the small dagger in Naruto's hands. It did look like the Ashbringer, but the size was that of a dagger, unlike the huge blade they had just seen him with just now.

Ugh, you know make it WAY too fucking easy to make jokes about his wang. Stop it.

Suddenly, a troll, a tauren, and a blood elf walked in.

Luckily this wasn’t a PVP area so they were cool.

Immediately, Kala was about to attack them before the troll said, "We surrender" and dropped his mace and shield to the floor. The tauren and the blood elf did the same.

Yes surrender, don’t try and run for it while everything in the village is in disarray. Quitters, you’re an embrassment to the Hoard.

Tyrande then called for soldiers to arrest them and take them away till she could deal with them.

She later ordered them to be taken to Detroit. They screamed in vain “Anything but that! NO!” but it was too late.

The more pressing matter was tending to the wounded.

And making sure the soufflé in oven hadn’t collapsed from all the fighting.

________________________________________

3 days after the raid...

By now life has returned to normal, with several elven players dancing in their skivvies for cash.

Naruto found himself inside a sewer, dark and damp. The water reached up to his heels.

Ahh, crap he’s found the secret sewer level of WOW. And I thought Blizzard was too good for that. God now there’s gonna be tons of pointless jumping puzzles and deathtraps around every corner.

"Where am I?" he thought.

Dream sequence I’m guessing? Its kinda obvious.

A low growl could be heard down the hallway in front of him.

It sounded like a skateboard of some kind, but before he could comprehend it a large turtle sped out of the corner and did a kickflip as he flew over his head shouting “Cowabunga!”

He slowly made his way towards the source of the sound.

Careful where you step, this is a sewer after all.

The rumbling of the growl grew as he went closer and closer.

Hmm, could be one of them Ratagators from Sewer Shark. Watch out for the poor acting, shitty graphics and annoying as fuck southern robots.

Ghost: And what’s my pay back? A million pounds of tube stake!

No seriously, that’s real game dialogue. Alright, one shitty thing at a time, back to the fanfic.

Soon, he came across a large gate or cage with a small paper with the word seal on it.

He could hear the rumbling growl as he peered into the cage. Something enormous was inside, and it was snoring...really loud.

"Didn't expect you to come here so soon."

”I thought there would be more meandering pointless exposition scenes. I mean I’m not ready at all, I still have to fix my hair.”

said a voice as Naruto turned around to find a young girl in a simple white dress without shoes.

Uh oh, look out it’s a little sister. Naruto careful, that Big Daddy can’t be too far behind.

She had golden hair that curled slightly around her face, and extended behind her into a massive ball of fluff that stretched down past her waist. But most distinguishing were her eyes, which were a haunting blue color, and they were glowing.

Totally clinches it, Little Sister. She’s gonna start singing about angels soon, you’ll see.

"Who..who are you?" asked Naruto

"Me? I'm the angel of death here to take you to hell."

Bout time, where have you been? I’ve been waiting on this for three chapters.

Naruto immediately backed away as the little girl laughed, "I'm kidding, it's me, Ashbringer!!"

Ashbringer: Ha ha! Got you so bad! You wet your pants like a girl! Ha ha! Man I love fucking with people.

"The Ashbringer?! But your so cute!! I can hardly imagine you being the spirit of a legendary sword!"

Considering how friggin annoying you were I can hardly imagine it either.

She blushed, "Aww, thank you for noticing, but yes, it is true, I am the spirit of Ashbringer!!" she said while striking a pose.

Ashbringer: I’m going to be the Fantasy version of Cortana for the rest of this story... only less memorable and interesting of course.

"ok, tell me, where am I?" he asked

She pointed her finger to her head. "In here, the subconious of your tiny little mind."

Ashbringer: It’s like Psychonauts, you ever play that game? It’s funny as shit.

"MY MIND IS NOT TINY!!"

Then why does the wind whistle through your ears? BOOM!

"SHUT UP OUT THERE!! I CAN'T SLEEP WITH ALL THAT RACKET!!" yelled a booming voice from behind the cage.

Oh don’t mind that, that’s just Satan. He’s had a hard day. They were out of his favourite candy bar at the store and his computer broke down.

Naruto and the spirit backed away as it got quiet again, and..whatever was behind that gate went back to sleep.

"I think we should go somewhere else." said Naruto

Even the lord of darkness needs his beauty sleep.

as the spirit led him to a part of his mind that she made a home in.

Well actually it’s a timeshare, she’s renting this space out from the several other voices that occupy Naruto’s head.

It was a meadow of flowers surrounding a bed, on it was a teddy bear. There were also books littered here and there. Not to mention the sword itself sitting at the edge of the bed.

Good lord that sounds girly. If it wasn’t for the sword on the bed I’d expect the My Little Ponies to show up.

"Welcome to my 'room'!" she said as she ran and jumped on her bed.

“Don’t touch my stuff, I don’t want your icky boy germs everywhere.”

Naruto had to admit, she did a nice job here.

Yes, a meadow with a singular bed and a bunch of books scattered everywhere, I can see that must’ve taken a lot of creative brain power to think up.

"This isn't gonna mess up my mind in anyway will it?"

"Not that I know of." she said

”It may affect your sexual identity a bit, but what do I know? I’m just a voice in your head that tells you to kill things.”

as a bowl of ice cream popped out of nowhere and she grabbed it.
Mmm, chocolate. (Hommer Gurgle)

"So..how long until I wake up?" he asked.

"Don't know." she said as she scooped some ice cream and ate it.

Ashbringer: You’re in a comma actually, could be awhile. Pop a squat, we got enough chocolate ice cream to last a lifetime

"...do you know how I can wake up?"

"Try tapping your feet together and say there's no place like home while your eyes are closed."

Ashbringer: I’m making a reference to a movie that doesn’t exist in this universe! Aren’t I a stinker?

"There's no place like...wait a minute, how do I know your not lying?"

Well she’s being more up front about it then Glinda was at least.

"Aww come on, would I lie to you?" she asked with puppy dog eyes.

Glados: Have I ever lied to you? I mean, in this room.

"Yes."

Ashbringer: See this is why this relationship isn’t working there’s no trust between us. I think we should see other subconscious mindscapes, or in your case, hear other voices.

"Hmph, fine, you caught me. If you really want to know, just picture yourself waking up, should do the trick." she said.

Yep it’s just that easy to wake up from being knocked out folks. Try it, bash yourselves till you get knocked out and then imagine yourself waking up. Go ahead, I urge you to try it.

And that he did, he soon found himself awakening from the depths of his mind.

Making this entire scene completely pointless as it serves no purpose other than showing off some more lame Ashbringer snark.

He soon found himself wrapped up in a fur blanket, and was sleeping on Zera, Kala's nightsaber mount and companion.

You know what nightsabers make me think about? The weird looking genetically altered tiger from Watchmen. That thing looked cool.

"Good morning little one" said the tigeress as she licked his forehead.

Zera: Mmmm, tastes like bacon, I mean uh... how was your sleep?

"How long was I asleep?"

"About three days, everyone's still recovering from the attack." she said.

Zera: Don’t worry, there wasn’t anything good on TV anyway, you didn’t miss much.

Naruto could see the various night elf druids and treants using their magic to repair the homes of the civilians.

Soldiers were carrying tools, hell, they even called the a construction team from Ironforge to help out.

Of course they helped out only under the condition that while they were in town they could make fun of the elves as much as they wanted and have all the beer they could drink. Dwarves rule!

Sorry, I know the whole Dwarf/Elf rivalry thing is cliché, I just couldn’t help myself.

"Ye gave quite a scare lad, thought ye'd never wake up." said Bailm as he groomed Misa's fur.

Balim: I was just about to loot your room for valuable possessions and what not.

Naruto unwrapped himself from his fur blanket and got off Zera.

"Where's Kala?" he asked

Well while you were out she decided to go to Vegas... I don’t think she’s coming back son.

"Right here my brave little hero." said Kala as she grabbed Naruto into a hug, he hugged her back.

"I'm so proud of you, you saved an important person,

Kala: You saved the president from the evil ninjas, let’s go get a burger.

do you know who she is?"

"Not really." he responded. Kala and Bailm chuckled.

Naruto: But since I killed a demon to save her can I have any Xbox game I want at the store?

"Well then lad, She requested to see you as soon as you woke up.

She wants to give you the bill for the damages sustained to the temple during the demon battle.

Let's go pay her a visit shall we?" said Bailm as the dwarf placed Naruto on Misa's back and let him ride her the whole way.

I gotta admit, toddler Naruto ridding a giant war beast does sound cute.

Along the way, many night elves who saw Naruto bowed before him in respect, others saluted him.

Elves: Hail Naruto of Nazareth!

It seemed that the return of the Ashbringer spread quickly.

It helped that everyone in Azeroth was using Skype.

Even now, the news of the Ashbringer was spreading far across the continents.

It even reached Antarctica and the few lone Penguins who had a working internet connection.
________________________________________
Orgrimmar, Valley of Wisdom, Grommash Hold..

If this valley is so wise, why did they name themselves such a ridiculous name as Grommash?

Even now among the moving crowds of orcs and trolls that lived here, word spread fast.

Orcs and Trolls are natural gossips. That’s the real reason the Alliance doesn’t like them, they’re so nosey.

To most of the orcs, it was hard to imagine that a 5 year old human managed to slay a Pit lord.

Then again, most noobs do just grind for hours on end just to get the best armour and equipment in the game, so it’s not that unreasonable.

Even their almighty warchief Thrall of the Frostwolf clan, could not strike a mortal blow to a pit lord like Naruto did.

It was seriously making him feel emasculated around the ladies.

Even now in his throne room, Thrall was discussing this with his councilmen in Grommash Hold.

Thrall: Okay we’ve been stuck in here for hours, can we all just agree on a pizza topping and get this over with?

The Hold served as the administrative center of the Horde.

As well as the place where they all hid their shrooms and ganja.

The warchief, Thrall, the troll leader, Vol'jin, and Eitrigg resided within Grommash Hold. It was also home to an elite sect of warriors who served as Thrall's personal guard, the Kor'kron Elite.

They’re like the SS, only they spend most of their time asking Billy Goats at bridges for their papers. It’s kind of a silly occupation.

Within the antechambers of the Hold are Orgrimmar's leading shamans, of whom, Thrall was the foremost.

He had the biggest magic stick of all of them... and by that I mean a staff of course.

"So, the Ashbringer has returned then..." said Thrall as he thought about this.

Thrall: Crap, now we’re gonna have to deal with Dennis Miller wisecracks and constant sarcasm. Just what we needed.

He had a vision in sleep one month ago of this. A boy with golden hair would come before him, but to befriend him or destroy him in the name of the Alliance, he did not know.

The vision was followed by another dream of a Unicorn riding a rocket ship and screaming “I made Muffins! Spank my ass!” over and over and over again. Thrall realised then he should really lay off the drugs.

"The Alliance would surely use this to their advantage, specifically the government in Stormwind.

Yeah those guys are always being dicks. They scream over vent during PVP matches and then they teabag your corpse. Someone should really report them to the admins.

I fear we may not be able to push back an invasion if they use the boy as a weapon, I fear Orgrimmar will fall." said Eitrigg, Thrall's advisor.

So you’re considering surrender before the war has even started? Yeah, even the French weren’t that lame. This is what a life of special brownies and bong smoke will do to ya kids.

"Especially if he falls under the religious ways of the Knights of the Silver Hand find out about this mon" said Vol'jin, leader and representative of the Darkspear tribe.

Vol’jin: This be totally not righteous mon. Not cool at all.

"I say we destroy the child now before he masters the blade!!" yelled an orc warrior.

Oh great, so not only are they a nation of stoners, they’re a nation of violent stoners straight out of “Reefer Maddness”

"NO!! Doing that would break the cease-fire treaty we made with the Alliance, we can solve this not by fighting, but by negotiation." said Thrall

Sounds good, take them on a trip to Amsterdam, offer them the peace pipe with little extra herbal ingredient. And you’ll be buddies in no time. You remember jackshit the next day, but you’ll be cool.

"What good is talking if he'll cut us where we stand!!?

Oh trust me if you’ve read the recent books in the Naruto run you have nothing to worry about, like at all.

He'll probably be no different from the humans in Stormwind-"

“Yeah they’re total narcs man!”

"May I remind you that we thought of the same thing of Jaina Proudmoon. But she betrayed her father in order to save our people from his senseless massacre,

She actually legalized medical marijuana! WOHOO!

not to mention she aided us in defeating the Burning Legion." said Thrall

Yeah, I remember. It was like Evil Dead, but the main character had boobs.

The warrior shut up at that.

Looks like you just got pwned.

Every orc and troll knew of Jaina Proudmoon's selfless actions to help Thrall and the Horde, despite the fact she was a human.

It also helped that she was hot... I mean really, REALLY hot.

"We can only hope this 'Naruto' does not feel any ill will towards us, if he does, I fear not even my powers will be enough to stop him.." said Thrall

Wow, some great leader you are. “It’s no use we’re screwed, start taking your cyanide pills now folks, no way out of this shit. Game over, man, Game over!”
________________________________________
Undercity, The Ruins of Lordaeron...

Just past interstate 666.

The undead civilians of were in a flurry of news.

Ah crap, has Starcraft 2’s release date been pushed back again?

Most of the Forsaken were screaming in fear.

Leon S. Kennedy and Ash Williams had sent a message, they were a coming and they were bringing chainsaws by the shitload!

The ultimate weapon against the undead had arrived.

A gun that gets a headshot every time?

Anything of the undead type cut by that thing would be reduced to ashes.

Well at least you die with a nice tan. That’s something to look forward to you pasty faced ghouls.

So naturally, the story got a little exaggerated, and soon turned into a rumor that the Alliance were gonna use the sword to destroy them all.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eTXgSq2Upm4

They even feared that their Queen, Sylvanas Windrunner, could not defeat him.

You could always ditch this franchise and head over to Valve, at least there things work drastically in your favour when the humans start to win. Goddamn director.

When the Lich King's hold on his minions weakened, Sylvanas, among other undead, regained her free will,

Now she could at last surf the internet till the wee hours of the morning all she wanted without the Lich King kicking her off the modem. Dick.

and she led her forces against the dreadlords who had taken hold over Lordaeron, ultimately affirming her sovereignty by killing off two of the nathrazim and bending the third, Varimathras, to her will.

It helped the idiots had never seen a Zombie movie. They should’ve known better then to hold out in the basement with no discernable escape route. Morons.

She renamed her force of self-aware undead the Forsaken and declared herself their queen.

They quickly picked their national anthem, it wasn’t difficult when they thought about it. “All we want to do is eat your brains”, perfectly illustrates the zombie plight to everyone.

In The Royal Quarters, there was a meeting discussing the matter.

They were trying to decide if they should emit the Ghouls from Fallout 3 into the city, they technically aren’t undead and they don’t eat human flesh, but they do look the part.

The Royal Quarter of the Undercity contained the throne room where the Dark Blood Elven Lady Sylvanas Windrunner, and her general the dreadlord Varimathras controled their burgeoning empire of undeath.

Also known as the “Zombie Nation”

It was protected by a squad of elite royal deathguards.

Yeah, that doesn’t sound evil at all. I can see why the undead feel stereotyped against.

Her champion warrior Nathanos Blightcaller, Champion of the Forsaken, along with Master Apothecary Faranell, leader of the Royal Apothecary Society, along with his assistant, Associate Professor Evil

Wow, that’s the most generic name for a mad scientist I’ve ever heard.

with his pet crab Barnaby.

Pet crab Barnaby? Okay... that makes Dr. Kleiner’s action of naming a Headcrab Lammar seem slightly less silly. Professor Evil has a pet crab named Barnaby.

To finish it up, Ambassador Sunsorrow of the blood elves and High Overlord Ambassador Saurfang of the orcs were there to discuss this matter.

So far the consensus has been “We’re royally fucked, so let’s just give up”, most pussy villains ever in my opinion. But let’s see if this cabal of wickedness can come up with a strategy that makes sense.

"So it's true then, the Ashbringer has returned and in the hands of a human...this is more then I feared.." said Sylvanas

“I mean I could handle an elf, or a dwarf, but you know humans. They all have friggin Zombie-murdering fantasies right after they see a George A. Romero flick. It’ ain’t fun.”

"It'd be a catastrophe if the Scarlet Crusade or Argent Dawn recruited him, we'd be unable to stop them." said Varimathras, Sylvanas' demon general.

Wow, really? Even the demon general is saying “give up now?” Come on people you’re the hoarde! Show some fucking backbone!

"According to our spies,

Zombies have spies now? How do you conceal the fact you’re undead exactly?

they could sense something else inside him besides the Ashbringer's energy inside him."

Oh it was probably just gas, nothing to worry about.

said Faranell as he brought out a stone disk and placed it in the center of the room. He channeled his magic inside it, allowing it to project the contents inside it.

Long range instant x-ray crystal balls! Now only for 99.99!
"They couldn't make out what it was, but one of them said he say it clearly, but he went mad as soon as he got back.

“He claimed he was Napoleon Bonaparte at that the CIA was sending him messages through his fillings.”

Luckily, my assisant Mr. Evil

Oh sweel mother of god, that’s so fucking ridiculous. I’m sorry, I just can’t get over the fact he actually named a character Mr. Evil. It’s just... too hilarious.

was able to extract his memory and now we can see for ourselves what this boy has." said Faranell.

Apparently it’s HIV... well problem solved than.

"I believe that with the sword living in his body, this boy can be classified as a future paladin,

Which means self-righteous preachy bullcrap about being lawful good. Yay.

but upon further study, I discovered he has the potential to be a warlock, quite possibly both."

Well that seems to be a bit of a cheat. Evil Mage and Holy Defender of everything good? How does that work?

said Associate Professor Evil.

*SMIRK!*

"What are you talking about?" asked Saurfang.

Professor Evil: I’m saying he’s totally hacked the game, just like Mr. T.

"See for yourself, the second terrible power that sleeps within the boy, just waiting to unleash it's self, the Nine Tailed Fox."

Wow, you know how the Village elders made sure that their kids and anyone from outside the village didn’t know what Naruto really was ala Nightmare on Elm Street style? These guys totally wrecked that whole big secret wide open in like... a few days. Guess it pays to have “Detect Evil” checks.

he said as a holographic display of the terrible demon.

Holograms? But this is the friggin middle ages! This isn’t Mass Effect!

Everyone in the room gasped while Varimathras laughed in glee, "That bastard!! He denied our offer to let him join the Burning Legion and he took off somewhere with the other tailed beasts. Now years later, I find him trapped in the belly of a 5 year old human!!"

At that point a human bully pointed at the hologram and laughed.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX7wtNOkuHo&feature=related

"Just how strong is this demon Varimathras?" asked Sylvanas

Well not strong enough to get out of a five year old I’ll tell you that.

"Enough to match Kil'jaeden blow for blow, but...he was nothing compared to Sargeras."

Hey! More names I don’t give a shit about. I’ll just assume they’re big bad mutherfuckers and leave it at that.

"So he's expected to be very powerful. I suggest we kill him at once, we must mobilize all our forces on Darnassus and kill this boy before he grows into a threat." said Ambassador Sunsorrow.

Well at least you’re suggesting a strategy instead of quitting.

"The blood elves will have the Forsaken's aid in this, what say the Orcs?" asked Sylvanas to Saurfang.

Blood elf: Why not? We all need to do a little child murder once in awhile. Beware the fair folk!

"I have no say in this, only Warchief Thrall can decide if the Orcs will join you on this."

Well you’re fucked, he’s content to sit on his ass let everyone get axed.

"Now wait a minute people, let's think about this for a sec." said Associate Professor Evil.

Yes, listen to the advice of the man named Professor Evil, makes perfect sense.

"Say we do kill this boy and destroy a potential weapon for the Alliance. That's all fine and dandy, but think of this...without a host to contain the enourmous powers of the Ashbringer, the sword would more then likely explode with such force, it would tear open the fabic of time and space and allow the Burning Legion passage into our world once more...

Yeah, that would blow, we’d be reiterating the plot from the last game. No one would enjoy that.

aleast according to my calculations." said Associate Professor Evil.

When did you have time to do these calculations exactly?

The room grew silent as the thought sunk in, "So, what do you propose Associate Professor Evil, that we do about this?" asked Sylvanas

“I mean if Brain eating is out of the question what are we suppose to do? That’s all we’re good at.”

"You all forget we're dealing with a child here,

Yes a child with a sword that can instakill undead hordes and a demon fox inside him. That’s still a lot of trouble I’d say.

he has no ill will against us at all. Might I suggest we ally with this boy, or befriend him in a more understanding way."

Why is advice like this coming from a man named Professor Evil? I mean... good lord! This is just so jarring!

"And why would we 'befriend' the one who wields the Ashbringer?" asked Saurfang.

Well if you can’t beat’em...

"Because he wields the Ashbringer, the ultimate weapon against the undead of the Lich King...and the Lich king himself."

Are you implying what I think you’re implying?

"So your saying, we ally with him, we have a greater chance of killing Arthas once and for all?" asked Sylvanas

Oh my god! Yes! Zombie-on-Zombie war! This fanfic’s prospects just went through the roof!

"Exactly my queen."

Sylvanas burst out laughing, it was unbelievable that this young (By Forsaken standards) warlock had figured out a way to benefit from the very weapon that could destroy her and her empire "Ohhh my...Farnaell, where did you find this fellow?"

I’d imagine in the reject pile of poorly thought out villain names.

"Underneath a grave with the words Douche engraved on it."

Same thing.

Mr. Evil immediately started choking his boss,

Well don’t expect a raise in your salary with THAT behaviour.

while everyone just laughed harder, "I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TELL ANYONE!!"

You know for an evil minion in service to Faranaell... he’s doesn’t seem to have much control over him.

"Oh my, Mr. Evil you are most humorous,

And completely impossible to ever take seriously at this point.

and I have decided..You shall be the representative for the Forsaken." said Sylvanas

Robotnik: You’ve just earned yourself a Prrrrrroooooomotion!

Mr. Evil stopped choking his boss, "Say wha?"

The author is upgrading your status in this fic to main character, why I’m not sure.

"What I mean is I want you to find this child, and bring him to me, and I'll do what I must to ally with him, even if I must use force." she said eyes glowing red.

I’m sure that won’t be necessary, I mean what’s not to trust about a queen who leads an army of the undead and has a minion named Professor Evil? I mean, what’s there not to trust?

"Very well my Queen, I shall do my best." he said.

And by best he means fail in a number of hilariously pointless hjinks.

"Associate Professor Evil, you are dismissed." she said.

“Now back to issue one, giving proper headware to our undead hordes to protect their fragile brains.

His boss, Faranell whispered to him, "Your just trying to get outta work aren't you?"

Shouldn’t have picked from the unionized graves.

"That's the plan boss, I've got plenty of time to search for this child, and I think I'll start by going to the Taranis Sea Resort near Gagetzan.

Wow, so Professor Evil is deceitful about his true intentions in suggesting this plan? Whoda thunk?

Come Barnaby, we've got a job to do." said Associate Professor Evil as his pet crab followed after him.

Trying to stifle laugh at image... barely working.

Soon he packed a back pack of supplies and left for the nearest Zeppelin to Gagetzan.

Goodyear blimps, the best way for any evil scientist to see the world.
________________________________________
Stormwind City, last grand capital of the humans of the Eastern Kingdoms...

And if Thrall’s advisors are be believed, the Deep South of Azeroth as far as Orcs and Trolls are concerned.

"So it is true,

“With the right lube you can force a watermelon in there, huh, woulda thunk it?”

the Ashbringer has returned!!" yelled a paladin as he ran into the throne room of Stormwind's current ruler, the son of King Varian Wrynn,

Well Bastard son, but what ya gonna do? The palace servants are rather nubile.

Prince Anduin Wrynn.

Wait if he’s the ruler should he be “King” Anduin Wrynn? I mean, protocol of command here, if the President dies and the Vice President has to be sworn in as President we don’t keep calling him Mr. Vice President do we?

Ten-year-old Anduin (Now 12) was given the crown

A better way to write that would’ve been “Twelve year old Anduin was given the crown when he was ten.” Just saying it’s a bit confusing.

in order to maintain order

Which he did by calling for all school to immediately close and for toy stores to give away all their merchandise for free, he also made forcing kids to eat vegetables for dinner as a punishable offence of up to ten years in prison.

See the problem with giving a ten year old (Now 12) absolute power?

when Varian disappeared en route to a diplomatic conference at Theramore Isle;

It was suspicious though how the king had booked passage to the conference on a cruise ship and as he was leaving cried “So long suckers”. Any passerby would think he was ditching them.

however, real power resided in the hands of Highlord Bolvar Fordragon, the Regent of Stormwind, and Lady Katrana Prestor, the royal advisor.

Ah yes, of course, the evil/corrupt advisors no doubt. Oh I’ll give them a chance, they could be nothing at all like that. Still, the fact is while he may not have the power I joked about him having we’re still calling Anduin a prince even though by all technicality he’s king. Just cause your daddy is missing and not dead doesn’t mean you can squirm out of your royal obligations kid.

"Calm yourself young paladin, we can't say for sure the rumors are true." said Bolvar.

“I mean seriously, a five year old noob killing a pit demon? That’s just silly, it’s probably just a bunch of trolls on the boards.”

"Oh, they are quite true Bolvar, see for yourself." said Katrana as she

Typed in “Blonde kid pwns Pit Demon” in the youtube search engine.

conjured a magic orb and showed it to both the child king and Bolvar. In it, they could see a young blond haired boy, about nearly half as old as the child king himself. In his hands was the sword.

Okay, if we can just magically conjure up images from anywhere wouldn’t that make these friggin orbs the spy satellites of Azeroth? With this kind of power what’s to stop the Alliance or Hoard from simply peaking in on their enemies defences and using that information to better plan an attack? I mean, Christ the US government wishes it had this technology.

"So it is true, we must contact Lady Tyrande at once, we must see he's worthy of handling such a powerful weapon." said Bolvar
“We need to see if he’s hacked the game and boosted his stats so he can actually wield the damn thing. A five year old could not possibly have the proper strength and dexterity attributes acclimated to wield a intsakill sword like that.

"I say we just take the sword from him and use it to retake Lordaeron from the Forsaken." said Katrana

Ah, never mind, corrupt advisors. Shows what giving this thing a chance does for me.

"But..But..that would violate the cease-fire treaty my father made with Thrall." said Anduin.

“And a war would totally cut into my Saturday morning cartoons!”

Despite his status, Andiun was inexperienced in politics, but he knew the basics, especially the the cease fire treaty.

It helped his dad forced him to watch C-Span every night.

"Young Anduin, I think it's time for you to go to bed,

“Yeah go to bed Anduin, you’re cutting into my designs to rule this kingdom through you and totally buttfuck your father’s initiatives to advance my own goals.”

tommorrow your meeting the King of Ironforge." said Katrana

And by meeting she means drunken frat party. It’s the same thing in Dwarf society.

as she pushed the child king along.

Don’t you mean prince since he doesn’t have the damn title?

Anduin had no choice to obey, it was true, he needed his rest for tommorrow.

So what if his father’s peace with the Hoard was being threatened? No point in at least protesting what’s happening, nope, none at all. Thanks a lot kid, you’re really living up to the family name. Pansy.

A maid came and took him away, leaving Katrana alone with Bolvar

Katrana: Well that’s taken care of, let’s get to lovin’

No sooner when he left, Katrana pulled out a amulet and froze Bolvar in a time field.

I didn’t know time turners could do that.

She then created another orb and contacted someone over it.

She called collect of course, she had to save her minutes.

"Hello my brother,

Liquid Snake: BROTHER! IT’S BEEN TOO LONG!

can you hear me?"

Katrana: Can you hear me now? Good.

"Yes my dear sister, how is the situation in Stormwind?" asked the voice in the orb.

“Did you pick up the ice cream I wanted?”

"The Ashbringer has returned."

The voice in the orb fell silent for abit, "We may be able to use this to our advantage.

It would make a totally bitching turkey carving knife at Holiday gatherings.

Have Bolvar send a battalion to retrieve the weapon and send it to me,

“Use FedEx it’s faster.”

I'll figure out a way to use it's powers for the glory of the Black Dragonflight."

That sounds like a bitching name for a Black Metal band.

"Very well Nefarian, I'll get right on it."

“As soon as I finish my pie of course. Mmm, cherry flavoured.”

"Good luck, Onyxia." said Nefarian as the light from the orb revealed Katrana's shadow in the shape of not of a women, but of a dragon.

Katrana was a woman! No, she was a Dragon-Woman! Or maybe she was just a Dragon...

Great, we’re back to telling instead of showing aren’t we? You know that could’ve been an interesting twist too. But no, had to ruin it within the first minute didn’t ya?

Since Deathwing, the Original leader of the Black Dragonflight,'s departure, his eldest children had risen to lead their brethren and recoup their failing numbers.

Azeroth has no “Save the Black Dragons” movements. They’re not as cute as whales you see, total discrimination I say.

Deathwing's eldest son, the malicious and cunning Nefarian, had claimed the burning fortress of Blackrock Spire as his aerie. There, aided by his loyal dragonspawn, he subverted the remaining Blackrock Orcs and ensnared the black dragons not already under his control.

Wasn’t too hard, the other Black Dragons were after all looking for work. He just had the best offer available, it included dental. You know how Dragons have to keep their fangs in proper order.

One of Nefarian's mightiest supporters is his younger sister, Onyxia. A clever, highly intelligent dragon,

She attended Julliard and graduated from Harvard Business School with high honours.

she delighted in corrupting the mortal races by meddling in their political affairs.

For instance, the whole Weapons of Mass Destruction crap? That was her.

To this end, she took on various humanoid forms and used her charm and power to influence delicate matters between the different races.

Nothing is more diabolical then a Black Dragon Politician.

Onyxia had even assumed an alias once used by her father:

You probably knew him by the more popular name of Puff. She met Johnny Paper though, little bastard became a lawyer you see. That was Daddy dearest’s plan all along.

the title of the royal House Prestor.

Isn’t that a Frat at a Wisconsin College Campus?

Now, she once again had to meddle in the affairs of humans. With a snap of her fingers Bolvar returned to his normal status.

Bolvar: Well that was a kinky start to the lovin’.

But before he could say anything, Katrana pulled out an amulet and quickly hypnotized Bolvar.

Wow, she must have the reflexes of the Flash to pull that off quick enough.

"Listen to me Bolvar, listen to the sound of my voice,

“My nasally, ear piercingly annoying voice.”

You shall take a battalion of Soldiers to Darnassus and take the sword. Afterwords,

“You will pick me up some more of this delicious pie on the way back.”

you shall deliver it to Blackrock Spire."

“Which right next to Castle Super Evil, near the Cave of the Damned Satanic Nasty Souls. You can’t miss it, there’s a McDonalds next door.”

"Yes mistress." said Bolvar as he walked away while still under the control of the amulet.

The servants were confused as to why he walked and talked like a zombie, as were the soldiers he gathered, but they figured he just off his anti-depressants.

"And if they resist, use force if needed." she added before walking outside to an open and private area.

Hope she didn’t forget to add anything else.

Onyxia: Oh and another thing, I need to pick up Milk, the fridge at the Blackrock spire is out could you pick that up too?

A black flame surrounded her as she returned to her dargon form and flew off to her nest.

Yes I’m sure no one will see the large black dragon flying away. I know he said she was in a private area, but come on! How do you miss a black dragon flying away? It could be night sure, but aren’t there castle sentries to watch for this sort of thing? What are they blind or something?

She had business there, and wasn't worried about anyone stopping her plan.

Had to rotate the eggs and everything, make sure they were warm. Even before they’re born baby dragons are so demanding.

She failed to realize that she had been spotted by a homeless man,

Oh yes, a homeless man, now her plot will be revealed cause everyone will listen to him!(Sarcasm)

who was convinced that it was probably just an illusion brought on from the ale her just drank.

Making that aside completely pointless since by your admission it doesn’t endanger her plans period. Could be a Chekov’s gun of sorts, but I highly doubt the author is that good at foreshadowing. I really do.
________________________________________
Darnassus, Temple of the Moon....

Naruto found himself in the throne room of one of the leader of the night elves, Tyrande Whisperwind.

She was in the middle of writing in her lviejournal though so they had to wait awhile before she let them see her.

Along with her was Arch Druid Fandral Staghelm,

He was busy hitting himself in the head with a book while chanting Latin gibberish.

current Arch druid in charge because of the disappearance of Malfurion Stormrage (who was both the leader of the druids of Darnassus and lover to Tyrande, was off on a mission to the Emerald dream, a realm only accessible to druids)

Yes this information is very important, we needed to know where the character we’ve never heard of till this point was, otherwise we’d be confused.

"I take it you know why your here young one." said Fandral as he eyed the boy with a questionable look,

“Yes we saw what you did in the pews last week, very naughty young man. We know Tyrande’s boobs are great buyt we must learn self-control.

as if he was angry at him. But Kala had told him he always looked like he had a stick up his ass.

It’s not his fault, he fell on it when he was five. It’s been jammed in there ever since, cut him some slack.

"Yes." said Naruto

Naruto: Let me just say, I’ve been a bad little boy.

"Young one, may we please see the Ashbringer?" asked Tyrande in a more nicer way then her co-worker.

“You know the sentient sword that tells you to kill and makes horrible jokes?”

Naruto held his palm out and the dagger appeared in a flash of light.

It’s like a lightsaber... of the mind!

Fandral and Tyrande both looked at it closely and they both knew it was real.

They could tell by the fact it was burning their eyes to cinders from the intense heat given off by it.

The warm light that radiated from it was enough evidence.

Well that and the fact their faces were melting off.

"See Fandral? I told you it was real." she said.

“You owe me twenty bucks.”

"Hmph, I still disapprove of the sword in the hands of a human,

“Humans are so icky, I mean us elves are so much better by comparison, much like our friends the Nav’i. We’re so much higher evolved and in tune with nature and all that then humans.”

See why I hate most elves?

but still, if it has chosen him, he may very well have an important future ahead of him." said Fandral

“I still think he totally hacked the game though.”

Tyrande bowed to Naruto's eye level and said, "What you have is really important, can I ask that you keep it safe? For me?"

Naruto smiled, "Don't worry Lady Tyrande, I promise to never let this sword outta my grasp, no matter what happens."

And at that moment the sword slipped from his hands and slashed her across the head.

Tyrande smiled as well, "Such a brave little boy you are" and she kissed him on the cheek, his face turned red as he looked away.

Must avoid possible religious leader/child molestation joke, far too obvious.

"That was for saving my life young one. Now, I'm afraid your gonna have to leave Darnassus for awhile." she said

"Why?" he asked.

Tyrande: Well the author has finally decided to get this damn plot rolling you see.

"Because, we're sending you back to your original home, to Konoha, to meet with the Hokage. Before you begin your training, you need to learn the truth of your heritage. Afterwards, you'll be sent to Stormwind for paladin training." said Fandral

Yes, the five year old has to train to be a paladin and fight the forces of darkness simply because he has a kicking sword. A five year old! You know how people rag on plots about pre-teens saving the world? This one has a fucking toddler taking up the mantle!

"Training?" asked Naruto

Summer’s over! It’s back to school kid! Sucks don’t it?

"Naruto, there are people in this world that will stop at nothing to either take the sword to use it for their own selfish needs, or to destroy it. We can't allow that.

Yeah, she is the resident snarky sidekick/important story driving plot point. Her dying this early would stall this plot even more!

For the sake of the world, you must be strong enough to defend the sword with your own hands." said Tyrande

Yes, his tiny, far smaller than all the people in this room, hands. Love how you’re putting all the pressure on the kid who probably hasn’t lost all his baby teeth yet!

"But before you do, you must go to Konoha, and find out about your heritage. We ourselves do not know the whole story,

“We didn’t read the manga much.”

it's best if you meet with the Hokage and find out for yourself. We do not have the right to tell you ourselves, so I'm sorry." said Fandral.

“Yes telling you everything would totally be cheating you out of a journey of self-discovery and adventure. Now go along, go along on your adventure to face the forces of darkness. We’ll be here, just twiddling our thumbs while your childhood dies before your eyes.”

"We'll provide you an escort to protect you on your journy back home." said Tyrande as she pulled out a piece of paper and gave it to the young boy.

“Here it’s a coupon for a free combo meal at White Castle, use it well.”

"You may leave." said Fandral

“Yes leave, our soaps are on!”

"and may Elune watch over you." said Tyrande

I’m assuming that means the moon goddess and her killer moonbeam rays.

Naruto was then lead out of the Temple and was given back to his guardian Kala Moonshire, with her daughter waiting for him.

"So Naruto-kun, what did Lady Tyrande want?" she asked. Naruto handed her the paper and she quickly read it.

She was instantly disappointed that Naruto was gonna get a free combo meal instead of her.

"I see...I kinda knew this day would come. Alright then Naruto, according to this your escort will be.... Nene." she said.

Yes, have him escorted by the thief why don’t ya, not the more trustworthy Dwarf or the Paladin. Makes total sense.

"Don't worry, I promise to keep an eye on him." said Nene, who suddenly just popped out of nowhere.

Well when he’s not distracted by the pretty shinny things he wishes to steal of course.

"and the other will be....YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!?" she suddenly screamed.

Uh oh, I smell wacky sitcom premise!

"What?" asked Nene as he looked over the paper, "Oh hell no.."

Yep he’s getting stuck with a cartoon cat named Billy Z, a cool feline with attitude and rides a skateboard! Yet the hilarity begin!

"What is it?" asked Naruto

"Their sending the troll with me..." said Nene with disgust.

Why would they send an average Youtube commenter as an escort?

"Consider it my community service."

“I could’ve picked up trash on the side of the road, but I preferred this one because it seemed less boring and monotonous, but only just.”

They all turned around to find the troll with cuffs on his hands. "I don't like this more then you mon."

Yeah mon, he had plans this weekend. He was gonna take that case of rum he had and just float on the cool breeze with the waves. We suppose to be jammin’ mon, not this. Not cool.

"Fine, but if you do anything to harm this child, I swear I will cut you where you stand."

Told you, sitcom hijinks!

"Fair enough mon, my job is to assist you until we get to Konoha, afterwards, I'll be free to go." said Zandali

Then he make a run for the border and find his hidden stash of shrooms.

"Why did Lady Tyrande trust you with this task?" asked Kala

"She heard from the soldiers about how I showed mercy to them and even healed them afterwards, she figured she could trust me." said Zandali

She’s just stupid and naive like that you see.

"Why did you help them?" asked Naruto

Zandali chuckled and got down to Naruto's eye level, "I have my reasons kid."

You see he has a supplier in Konoha, it’s where he buys his acid from.

Suddenly, the blood elf that was involved with the attack showed up.

Oh boy, another cast member for this wacky crew of misfits.

"Oh no.." whined Nene

"What are you doing here?" asked Kala in a angry tone of voice.

"I go wherever he goes, it shouldn't be a problem, will it?" Selenna asked.

Selenna: I’m his bitch it’s what I do.

Wait shouldn’t you be in jail? How’d the Troll negotiate for you to come along with them? I guess he’s more persuasive then I thought.

Blood elves and Night elves can never stand each other's presence for anything.

It’s like the Crips and the Bloods, they just don’t mix well.

Mainly because the Night Elves considered the blood elves as idiots for becoming addicited to magic like a drug,

This is your brain. (Egg) This is your brain on magic (Cracks egg on sizzling pan) Any questions? Magic, doing it isn’t just wrong... it could be dead wrong.

A message by the Association of Night Elves against Magic abuse

and the Blood elves hated the Night Elves simply because of the path they had chosen to go: Druidism.

You can pretty it up all you want, you’re just pissed off they’re total narcs.

"Fine, and whatever happened to that tauren?" asked Kala.

Hamburger. That’s all that needs to be said.

"She's staying here to help out with the reconstruction, afterwards, she'll be free to go home." said Nene

So this is how elves treat their prisoners, we just let’em go. God you people are stupid. Dwarves would never pull this shit.
________________________________________
The docks..

Where you can find several legitimate business men dropping large people shaped garbage bags into the water weighed down by cement. The least they could do is throw it in a dumpster, I mean honestly, think of the environment.

After everything was sorted out, Naruto soon found himself at the docks with a small backpack of his personal belongings.

Which consisted of a coloring book, a few Pokemon cards, his teddy bear, crayons and a gameboy. The saviour of the alliance folks.

He found himself also crying alittle,

Puss, you’re only being forced on a dangerous life threatening journey that abruptly kills your childhood. Man up.

he was gonna miss this place. Kala had provided Naruto something he would have been denied had he grown up in Konoha for the first five years of his life. Maternal love.

This denial of course would be caused mostly by the fact they wanted to slice his head off, but you get the picture.

Raia also gave Naruto another type of love,

Eww, incest, wrong.

sibling love.

Or crippling psychological abuse, whichever definition you prefer.

Kala, Raia, and Naruto had all embraced each other in a hug as Zandali and Nene waited for Naruto on the boat.

He better hurry up, the buffet is opening in an hour and they might not get a good spot in line.

Also there were Kala's friends, Theoden, Tira, and Bailm.

Say goodbye to these assholes folks! Bought time we dropped them.

"Awww, how sweet...*sniff*" said Tira

Tira: How adorable, our little five year old is off to learn about how his own people tried to murder him and later head off to war! Quick get the camera!

"Good luck lad!! Promise that if your ever in Ironforge, look me up!!" called Bailm

Balim: I’ll most likely be in the local pub getting plastered!

Theoden said nothing,

Theoden’s a dick like that.

but he already knew this kid would make a great paladin once he grew up.

Considering how preachy and melodramatic Naruto has gotten in the Manga, yes that is a fair assumption.

"Kala, I promise that I'll come back." said Naruto

He may be a little deadish though.

"I know you will Naruto." said Kala

Kala: I mean it’s not like events set in motion by an evil black dragon in disguise will come back to haunt the village in the near future. I’m sure we’ll all still be alive by the time you come back.

And so, Naruto boarded the ship with his escorts and they left. Naruto watched the coast of Darnassus grow smaller and smaller as the ship continued it's course to the southern continent.

Naruto of course being the annoying little prick he is started imitating Leonardo DiCapprio from Titanic. Everyone grew quickly fed up with the shtick and beat him over the head till he passed out.

"So Mr. Nene, what's this continent like?" asked Zandali

Lot’s of ninjas in silly outfits actually, it’s kinda fruity.

"No idea, and don't talk to me troll." said Nene rather sharply.

He’s just pissed cause the cabin they booked doesn’t have a balcony.

Zandali sighed as he sat in a corner of a ship and went to sleep.

It had been a long day of bong hits after all, takes a lot out of ya.

Selenna went below deck to 'freshen herself up'.

In other words snort her magic dust and put on her prostitute make-up.

Nene just sat at the side of the ship, staring off into the sea.

Thinking about how to steal all of the Captain’s valuables on the ship.

As for Naruto, he was still alittle sad about leaving his home.

Not to mention all the comic books he left behind.

"Don't be sad Naruto,

Ashbringer: Yeah, you still have me and all my annoying snarky jokes.

there are somethings in life that you gotta let go for the greater good." said Ashbringer

Besides, who wants to hang around with elves all their lives anyway?

"Maybe, I just wonder what this Konoha is like?"

Well they have good ramen, that’s a given.

he thought as he went below deck to take a nap.

Yeah, better get in some Z quick, finger painting is next period.

Good lord this is dumb.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jul 5 2010, 02:48 PM

[Lizard-Man]

Tanaris Desert Resort...

Now serving drinks with the little umbrellas in them, an improvement over the live horned lizards I’d say.

"Ahhh, isn't this great Barnaby? The sun feels so good on what little flesh I have left. "

Does a zombie even have a working nervous system to feel anything? I suppose that makes it impossible to get a sunburn or at the very least have it hurt but still...

said Associate Professor Evil, who was on a a towel at a beach with nothing but swimming trunks.

EWW! The picture of a undead ghoul in swimwear is just wrong!

Also I thought this place was a desert resort, beach implies there’s an ocean or body of water here. I suppose it could be an oasis, but the author isn’t really bothering to describe the place is he? It’s just desert, not Oasis, desert.

His decayed body was literally burning in the hot sun, but it didn't matter to him, he enjoyed it.

Oh great, cooking rotting flesh, just what my nostrils needed.

Barnaby was also enjoying the sun, it made it easier to grill his beloved cheese.

It would also make the butter on top of his shell melt faster. Should cut some time out for us when we finally get him over to the boiling pot of wat- I mean hot tub.

"Waiter, more ale please!!" he cried out as a goblin came out of a hut nearby and poured him a new glass.

Waiter: Here’s your Grey Matter Mr. Evil.
A couple of women, a female human, a night elf, and a dwarf were playing on the beach as well,

Right near an undead ghoul, a sworn enemy of the Alliance which they themselves belong to. And to top it all off, this place is also run by Goblins.

“Oh sure they may be our sworn hated enemies who’ve killed and pillaged our lands for years, but hey the service is damn good so who am I to complain?”

making Mr. Evil's stay at the resort more enjoyable.

Dude, not in public, that’s what the bathroom is for.

"Watch and learn Barnaby, This doctor's about to make a house call." he said as his pet crab rolled it's eyes.

Well eyestocks.

"Excuse me ladies, are you tired? Cuz you all have been running through my mind all day." he said

Wow, horrible pick up lines that never worked ever, truly you are a playa.

"EWW!! He smells aweful!!" cried the human

"What's that stuff dripping from his mouth?"

"I think I'm gonna be sick." said the dwarf.

The reaction most men get from women when they use Prof. Evil’s moves. He has the added disability of being undead of course, but the lame ass pick up lines aren’t helping.

Associate Professor Evil then realized that he had better use the Orb of Deciption, a magical artifact that allowed one to shapeshift into many forms.

Unfortunately for Mr. Evil, this one only had two settings, party clown and Transvestite. Neither one helped to overshadow his incredibly lame moves.

"I'm sorry ladies, but I was just on a recon mission to Undercity for Stormwind, I must have forgotten to turn off my transformation spell." he lied as he activated the orb and it transformed him into a man with a body of a greek god.

Unfortunately it was the Greek God of the underworld, Hades. Women weren’t particularly turned on by the smell of brimstone and burning souls.

All three ladies screamed in joy at the sight of the very manly man.

Really? They’re buying this explanation? He was a zombie two seconds ago and he smelled like rotting flesh. Illusions only trick the eyes, not the nose. No one can possibly be this stupid.

"I see your really working hard Mr. Evil"

Well hardly working.

Mr. Evil dropped the illusion as soon as he saw the ghostly image of The Dark Queen, Sylvanas Windrunner. Once he dropped the illusion, the women ran off at both the sight of him and the giant ghostly vision of Sylvanas.

Woman: I knew we shouldn’t have reserved rooms at a place run by goblins! I saw Troll 2, I should’ve known better!

"My queen, I-I never expected for you to drop in like this.." he said as he bowed

Evil: I expected you to be naked and on my bed. Nice legs by the way, when do they open?

I could only hope he says that, cause it will mean the evil queen of the undead will blast him to zombie dust and store him in her alchemy inventory slot.

"If I ever catch you fooling around again like this, I'll see to it myself that your expelled from the Evil Alchemist University."

Oh no! Then he’ll never get his degree in Mad Science! And that means he’ll never get a job “playing God”! His future career opportunities will be ruined!

Mr. Evil's jaw literally dropped from his face, "But But But my research-"

“I need funding for my super doomsday device! And I’m nearing a breakthrough in the field of mind controlled zombie technology!”

"Will go down the drain unless you find that child,

And remember he has to be fresh! None of those back aisle ones.

now get to it, before I decide to rip up your application to be promoted to a professor as well." she added as she faded away.

And he worked so hard on that thesis about how to keep prisoners alive while their hearts are pulled out their chests so they can watch it beat in front of them and go mad!

"Ohhhhh!! SHE MAKES ME SO ANGRY!!" screamed Associate Professor Evil

Marvin the Martian: Very angry indeed!

as he packed his bags, put his cloths on, and paid the goblin at the counter.

Thank you for staying at the Nilbog inn, we appreciate you not pissing on our hospitality as we don’t allow it.

"I outta just leave and go to unknown location in the world and start my own village, call it Turrawusta.....

“And it will have hookers and booze and blackjack! In fact, forget the village!”

then again, the work would be too much, so no." said Associate Professor Evil to Barnaby, who only hissed in response.

How does a crab hiss? I’ve killed millions of Mudcrabs in Oblivion, they just sorta wheeze, maybe click, but never hiss. Then again it’s hard to say much when I’m stabbing them through the head.

"Ok then, let's see where the little kid is, Eye of Killrog!!" he said as an eyeball appeared in his hand.

Then it started screaming about how “there is no life in the void.” It’s annoying like that.

Through the eye, he could see the boy.

Well sorta, he needed to replace the contact lens. Right now it was really burly.

He was on a ship to a place called to Konoha, to the continent to the south.

Did your eye see the boat’s registry too? How did you determine all that? Did the eye zoom out? Does it magically tell you the exact position in the world it’s looking at? In need description people! I need explanations! Why do I never get any!?!

"Never been there before,

Understandable, they haven’t released the expansion pack for it yet.

come Barnaby, the sooner this is over, the better." he said as he grabbed his crab and teleported to Konoha.

HEY! Fast travel doesn’t work like that! You have to find the damn place before you can actually go there! Haxxor!

________________________________________
Three weeks after Naruto's departure to Konoha...

The weather started getting rough, the tiny ship was tossed, if not for the courage of the fearless crew the minnow would’ve been lost...

he village of Konohagakure no Sato. It had been five years, since the infamous Kyuubi no Kitsune had attacked this shinobi village.

Interesting enough, this information is on their brochure.

Five years since the Fourth Hokage gave his life to seal the demon lord inside the body of a newborn baby.

Yeah, I’m sure that’s something to be proud. You saved a village by making a child carry an evil demon inside him. Great job, truly a leader to aspire to.

The village had rebuilt, and their numbers replenished.

It took hundred of men scoring round the clock, but they did it.

But old wounds heal hard, and many searched for an outlet for their sorrow and rage at lost ones.

So they began annual fox hunts, beating the poor things to death with huge sticks. It’s the greatest ninja holiday ever!

But it never came, they just let the anger and hate fester under their skins.

it caused quite a bit of a rash. Luckily there was a lotion to soothe the pain.

But by now, the boy was almost forgotten, almost.


Yeah who could forget about the kid who escaped on the black of a friggin giant raven after firing a laser out of his stomach.

Few of the people knew of the lands beyond this continent, and many where oblivious to the wars that ravaged the lands to the north,

Neither really pays attention to the other’s series. It’s even worse in Konoha where Sarutobi banned the game from being played cause the admins banned his account for botting.

but this continent somehow managed to dodge the War of the Ancients, the Second War, and the recent Third War.

Apparently the orcs and zombies didn’t seem to care too much about the land populated by ninjas.

Now, the worlds beyond this continent were about to clash with this one, now that the jinchuriki of Konoha was coming back.

Wait, if this is the case, that these continents were so far apart, what was Kala doing there five years earlier? Was she on vacation? I thought the story implied her village and people were nearby? Oh whatever, I don’t care. This story has dragged on long enough, no sense in bogging it down with questions on my own behalf.

People were staring at the decayed looking man sitting in front of the Ichiraku ramen stand, slurping up ramen. A red crab was nearby eating cheese.

Staring, just staring at the creepy looking zombie. They tried to attack Nala, according to this story, when she first arrived, but a decayed living corpse only illicit stares? Is everyone in this fucked up crossover universe a moron?

"Who the hell is that?"

"Not very human looking?"

Gee, ya think? What was your first clue? The pungent stench of death or the fact pieces of his flesh are falling off!

"You think he's a demon?"

If you think that, and we all know you don’t like demons all that much, why are you just staring at him!? Why haven’t you call the village guards? Why does the author think this crossover makes sense!?

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!! ALL OF YOU!! SHOO!!" yelled the man.

Prof. Evil: Can’t a corpse rot in peace?

The crowd quickly fled. Teuchi and Ayame didn't care, so long as the man paid for his food, it was all good.

Are you fucking kidding me? You know if a man showed up at my store, asked for a big plate of brains, had his eye ball sticking out one socket, smelled like rotting flesh, was missing parts of his body and looked like he had been dug up from the ground I would not care how rich he was, I’d get out my shotgun and threaten to blow his head off if he didn’t get out! That’s just a natural response! What this damn fanfic is telling is that if the zombie apocalypse happens in Konoha they’ll just let the bastards walk around unmolested as long as they tip well!

And wasn’t it established that he had an orb that could change his appearance? Why is Mr. Evil not using it here? Sweet Christmas this is retarded!

"My, your a strange looking man, your not from around here are you?" asked Teuchi.

What can I say? What can I honestly say right now? You know all those videos where they show Americans not being able to point to Australia on a map? These people are stupider.

The man didn't seem annoyed by his question, he just ordered another bowl.

“Well better order up another plate of brain ramen! Crack open another homeless man’s head already we got a paying customer to feed!”

"Yeah, I am new around here, I must say, your village is lovely, but all these people are so....so.."

"Discriminative? Hateful to strangers? Scorn those who are different? Utterly hate people for something they have no control over?" asked Ayame as she gave him another bowl.

Well when the person is a fucking undead monster with a friggin pet crab and is named Professor Evil, how do you expect them to act?

"Yeah, that sums it all up. But I'm used to it." said the man who then slurped up his ramen.

God this fanfic is dumb as shit.

"Yeah, they've been that way ever since the attack." said Teuchi as he cleaned up the man's last bowl.

"What attack?" he asked

"The one with the nine tailed fox." said Ayame.

“It’s basically a Kaiju monster. Pretty cool even if it doesn’t shoot atomic fire.”

"Interesting, tell me more." said the man as he finished his ramen.

Well it was sealed in a kid’s body, he grew up to be hated by the village, he got a crush on a bitchy pink haired girl and became friends/brothers/rivals/suggestively creepy gay lover of an asshole emo guy...

"That's about all we know, mr..."

"Evil, Associate Professor Evil, or Mr. Evil for short." said Mr. Evil as he paid for their food.

And it was immedietly then that everyone began backing up to the exit very slowly.

"Just watch your back Mr. Evil, some of the ninja here don't take too lightly to strangers." warned Tenchu



He tells you his name is Mr. Evil, he is a walking dead corpse and not only are you okay with this but you tell him to watch himself?

“Oh hi there Mr. Satan, better watch out, that Nasty Old Mr. Christ is looking for ya. Here have a cookie!”

What the fuck kind of universe have I stumbled on to?

"I can take care of myself. Take you for the meal, I'll be sure to come back later once I finish my job." said Mr. Evil

“My job which involves kidnapping a young child and using his powers to further my own nefarious goals at world domination. Well see ya, thanks for the food.”

as he walked out of the stand, while Ayame and her father told him goodbye.



________________________________________
Hokage's office...

Sarutobi watched the undead man as he left the ramen stand.

Sarutobi sees you in your sleep. Sautobi sees you in your nightmares.

"Just what is one of the Forsaken doing here?" he thought to himself.

A better question, WHY AREN’T YOU KILLING IT!? The Forsaken keep getting shown off as the most evil of the Horde members and you’re just letting one walk around!

The undead man had wandered into the village over three weeks ago.

THREE WEEKS! YOU LET A ZOMBIE WALK AROUND YOUR VILLAGE FOR THREE WEEKS AND YOU DIDN’T EVEN TRY TO DETAIN THE FUCKING THING! WHAT KIND OF SOCIETY OF FUCKING IDIOTS HAS KONOHA TURNED INTO!

And no, this is not showing that they’re more tolerant of the poor innocent undead. The ghouls in Fallout 3 are a far better example of discriminated monsters, they’re not all bad after all, but this guy! His name is Professor Evil, he goes to Evil Alchemy Univeristy, he works for a cabal of undead monsters and evil creatures who want to take over the world, as I recall they started a war before that nearly destroyed the world, THEY’RE FUCKING EVIL! It’s like saying you’re more tolerant of a child molester by letting him live among you! It’s not tolerant, its retarded!

He mostly kept to himself, save for visiting the ramen shop and slurping down large amounts of ramen.

Oh he seems so docile and friendly, who cares if he’s part of one of the greatest evils known to man.

He already killed three drunken chunin that tried to pick a fight with him.

WHAT!?!

One of the them ended up with a spoon lodged in his head, the others died of unnatural third degree burns.

Don’t ask where he stuck the pineapple, ugh!

Afterwards, nobody really bothered him, at least not in his presence.

He kills, three people, three chunins in fact, and he isn’t even arrested. He murdered three people, on purpose I might add, so it doesn’t fit in with self-defence either, and you didn’t even fucking arrest him! You didn’t even attempt! You just let him go about his merry way! This is beyond retarded, this is fucking unrealistic and completely dumb as shit. This is insulting to my intelligence. As soon as this mock is done I’m ripping this idiot a new one!

"Could he be waiting for something? Have we invoked the wrath of the Banshee Queen?" he thought with a shiver.

Sarutobi: Well if we have what can I possibly do? I mean I am one of the most powerful ninjas in the world, with a group of very powerful ninjas at my side and knowledge of the monster itself. With that in mind I could easily take the little bitch out and question him, but I don’t know what to do about it.

He only heard tales of Sylvanas in his youth. She was said to be extremely beautiful and was one of the most deadliest blood elf you'd ever face. But all that changed after her death...

The tomb is murder on a woman’s skin.

Suddenly, Sarutobi felt a familiar yet alien chakra enter the city and focused the eye of his crystal orb on the entrance of the village.

With any luck Xenomorphs have invaded and something interesting will happen. Although considering what’s happened so far I have a feeling everyone will just awkwardly stare at them and let them eat at the local restaurants as long as their money is good.

What he say was a night elf, a troll, and a blood elf walking with what looked like a miniature version of Minato.

Hey it’s the whacky sitcom group!

"Is that? I don't believe it, he's come back. My, My, he's grown alot." he thought as he got up from his seat, completely ignoring the paperwork that needed to be done.

Well that and the fucking zombie wandering around that’s killed three people and he hasn’t done jackshit about.

He walked out of the office and the receptionist asked, "Lord Hokage, where are you going? You have a meeting with the council in 10 minutes? Not to mention your paperwork is not done yet-"

Secretary: I’m just letting you know in case you didn’t hear the narrator.

"Tell the council we'll have to reschedule our meeting, I'm off to meet the son of an old friend of mine." he said as he shun-shined away in a swirl of leaves.

I know what you’re thinking, how can it possibly get stupider after this. Trust me, it can.

________________________________________
With Naruto..

The group was lucky, the guards didn't seem to recognize Naruto.

For one he wasn’t shooting lasers out his stomach.

Naruto was busy staring at the beautiful city.

Well considering the art style of WOW, anything that doesn’t look like a pre-rendered colourful cartoon blotch has to look better to him.

"So this is the place of my birth.." he thought

The place where a much better story takes place... well at least until Shippuden comes along.

"Careful Naruto, looks can be decieving.." said Ashbringer

Ashbringer: For instance, the author would have you believe I’m an interesting character.”

Nene then spoke up, "Okay Naruto, I'll be right back, I'm gonna need to go speak with someone real quick, I'll be back. Stay outta trouble, you two, watch him."

Yes leave him with the two people you don’t trust. That makes sense. Okay Zanny and Selly aren’t gonna do anything bad, we know that, but Nene doesn’t trust these two so why is he letting them watch him?

Zandali shrugged as Selenna mocked him behind his back. Both took Naruto to the nearby park.

Oh the heart pounding excitement! Christ this chapter drags on, nothing interesting happens period. I feel as if it should’ev ended when they got on the friggin boat. This is all just so fucking tedious and stupid. Nothing is happening, I am SO bored!

"Okay, I wonder which way is to the Hokage tower..." said Nene to himself.

Nene: Hmm, maybe I should’ve asked Kala for one of those, what did she call them? Maps? Directions? Since she’s been here a lot she would probably know where everything is better than me.

This guy is the worst rogue ever.

"There's no need, I'm already here." said Sarutobi who managed to sneak up behind Nene.

The rogue jumped for sec before he regained his cool composure.

Sarutobi: I use that one at Halloween parties? You like?

"It's good to see you Lord Hokage, I've come with the son-"

"Shh, not out loud, the people do not know who Naruto's father is. It's for the best, he had alot of enemies."

Like the people who run Sea World, there was unpleasantness there, he could never go back. Neither can Naruto.

"That is true, but that's also the reason why we bought him back. He needs to learn of his heritage." said Nene

Nene: Which is why I didn’t bring him along with me to meet you and help him learn of said heritage... wait... did I just do something dumb?

Worst. Rogue. Ever.

Sarutobi sighed, "I'm not sure he's old enough to know yet, the truth may have an unseen effect on him."

Well maybe if you had some psychologists in this place they could help. But NOOOOO, you had to convert to scientology and shit! Smooth move dumbass.

"It also concerns the weapon Minato thought to have lost.." said Nene

"You mean-"

"Yes, the Ashbringer."

Well he didn’t lose it, he ditched it cause it wouldn’t shut up.

Sarutobi rubbed his chin in confusion, "This is all starting to get outta hand.

We’re WAAAAAY past that point Sarutobi.

When Minato found the sword, it rejected him. So he sealed it away in a disclosed location.

Did he enjoy using his son as a fucking storage bin even before he was born then?

I can't imagine how it broke free from the seal and found it's way to Naruto."

Maybe she likes younger men.

"We were hoping you might know." said Nene

He doesn’t even know how to deal with zombies, speaking of which, might wanna tell that to a member of the alliance and solicit his aide? No?

"I don't, but the scrolls left behind by Minato might give us a clue. Come, to my office.

“I’ll tell you about this funny story about something that happened here with a zombie and three of my people he brutally murdered. Man, it’s a real hoot.”

Err... will Naruto be ok with those two?" he asked as he pointed to the troll and blood elf.

"They'll keep an eye on him." said Nene

Nene: They’re only my sworn blood enemies who I don’t trust period, it’s totally in character for me to leave them with the kid and not just bring him along and tell him of his heritage as we planned.

WORST! ROGUE! EVAR!

"Right then, let us go to my office." said Sarutobi.

________________________________________

With Naruto...

"Why do you have tusks?" asked Naruto as he poked at Zandali's tusks with his finger.

Well Naruto, Trolls are actually evolved warthogs you see.

"I don't know, it's something my race was born with."

The design team at Blizzard likes to laugh at you actually. They’re assholes like that. Live with it, they’re your gods after all.

"Doesn't make it hard to kiss some one with those things are poking the girl in the face?" asked Naruto

You see how hard it is to give a blow job.

"That is none your business kid"

"Have you ever considered sawing them off?"

You could sell them on the ivory market and buy more ganja!

"Just go play with the other kids mon." said a very irritated Zandali

Zandali: Let me eat me manwich in peace mon!

Naruto decided to leave him alone and ran off to the nearby playground.

Yeah you two are keeping a real close eye on him, Nene was right to leave him with you.[/sarcasm]

"How do you kiss someone with those things?" asked Selenna

I thought it was implied you were lovers, shouldn’t you know?

"Drop it before I Flame Shock your ass." grumbled Zandali

Zandali: Dis relationship is suffocatin’ me womon!

Later, Naruto had been sitting on a wooden bench, watching the other children play.

Oh god, this is even more boring then I originally thought it would be. Ashbringer, please, say something stupid and annoyingly snarky, anything to break up the monotony of this bullshit!

He was too nervous, he'd never really interacted with other humans before.

He interacted with other children, so these ones don’t have pointy ears, what’s the difference?

Then, he felt something wet lick his leg, he looked down to find a little white baby puppy, barking at him.

And then it promptly marked it’s territory on his leg.

Then a spikey black haired kid came over and grabbed the little puppy, "Sorry about that, he tends to wander off on his own."

Oh thank god it’s Kiba! QUICK KIBA SAVE ME! GET ME OUT OF THIS BUNGHOLE OF BOREDOM!

He placed the tiny pup in the large pocket on his jacket and walked away to play with a lazy looking boy, and a chubby red haired boy.

Oh great, characters who are far more interesting than this entire story, quick guys do something cool! Anything! PLEASE!

Naruto wanted to play with them, but another kid caught his eye, a girl.

Oh boobs! Goody! That’s even better!

But she caught his attention because of her eyes, they had no irises, just like Kala-san.

Wait... oh... crap... that means no boobs. I know who it is. No boobs.

Even her violet hair reminded him of Kala.

Great, Oedipus complex. Creepy.

But she was alone, she was sitting there, holding a little teddy bear, as if she was waiting for someone.

Did you get diabetes yet?

He figured he could play with her, so he hoped of the swing and ran across the playground.

Oh yes ignore the cool guys, head over to the most boring girl in the whole Manga! This is why the bros before hoes rule was invented.

________________________________________

Hinata's POV

And Naruto’s love interest is revealed. Yep, this is a Hinata/Naruto fic. Another ship I dislike. Now before you get on my case for that let me explain. I have nothing bad to say about Hinata, she’s a nice girl, I don’t hate her, but she’s also not a very well developed character and she’s barely had any scenes in the story. In fact, you could cut her out of the story almost entirely and there would be no effect on it. She’s really not that interesting a character and I think most people like her because she’s just cute and sad. But really, she doesn’t DO anything. In fact a lot of the girls in Naruto have that problem, they never really DO anything. But at the bottom of the barrel its always Hinata because while Sakura and Temari have all had leading roles and been involved heavily in recent storylines, the most Hinata has done is sit in the background, look shy and then recently she got herself stabbed protecting Naruto. I can’t hate or like Hinata because she never does anything. I have no emotional attachment to her. So yeah, I’m gonna suffer more, I can tell.

It had been a long morning, Hinata's father had woken her up early to train her with the Gentle fist Style that was unique to her family only.

He woke her up by punching her? I know that’s not what the author meant but it sorta sounds like that. It’s not really well written. A better way to do it would’ve been:

“He woke her up early to begin teaching her the gentle fist style, a move unique to her family.”

That wouldn’t be as confusing.

Her father was very harsh and didn't hold back, he even deemed her a failure.

He even criticised her for not growing boobs fast enough.

“You’re five now bitch!” he shouted “Get to work on them melons damn it!”

But later before she was escorted to the playground, her father had apologized for demeaning her like that.

Daddy is bi-polar. He takes special pills.

He only wanted Hinata to be strong when she was declared the Clan's new leader. If she wasn't, her sister Hanabi would become leader, and Hinata would be fated to be marked with the Caged Bird Curse Seal that was placed on all Branch members of the Hyuga Clan.

Clan Hyuga, a-holes to the very last drop of blood.

However, if Hinata became Leader, her sister would be fated with the same thing. This was not a fate he wanted for either of his daughters, and he hoped that if Hinata was strong, she may be able to change the clan and save her sister and all future branch members.

And Hanabi can’t do the same thing because... why? Seriously, that doesn’t make sense to me.

But she felt that she could never become strong, that she was doomed fail at anything.

Good lord Konoha needs Sesame Street bad!

She then sensed someone approaching, she lifted her head up and saw a handsome blond haired boy standing in front of her.

"Hi there."

“I wanna stick mud in your hair!” he said cheerfully.

The mere sight of him made her blush with such intensity, that she was practically glowing.

UGH! Another love at first sight story, see why I hate it? Clichéd and dull, Hinata/Naruto to a T.

For a kid his age, he was really cute. The whisker marks on his cheeks made him look exotic, the wild unruly blond hair was easy on the eyes, and the even tan he had wasn't so bad either.

You’re five girl! Since when do boy make you horny at this age? Have you bloomed early?

But what captivated her the most was his eyes. They were as blue as the sky right above her head. They showed a certain playfulness that was inviting and heartwarming, yet she could see a hint of something feral..

There were about three things at this point she was absolutely positive. First, he was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him, and she didn’t know how potent that part may be, that thirsted for her blood. And third, she was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him.

And a shining light in his eyes that gave her warm fuzzy feelings that filled her with confidence and courage.

She then rushed off to a bathroom as fast as she could.

What was this bubbling feeling she was feeling in her heart?

Was she sick?

What could this feeling be?

Forced Shipper moment, happens to everyone.

________________________________________
Normal POV
Naruto stood their waiting for a response from the girl, but all she did was sit their with her face all red, this concerned him.

Horrible, horrible, grammar, kindergarten level, kindergarten level! THEIR isn’t the same as THERE! Get it right!

"Say, are you alright?" he asked as he camer closer to her, making her breath alot faster.

Oh don’t worry she’s just having one of those annoying little panic attacks she gets in the cartoon when she needs to masturbate hard but can’t at the moment.

"Umm..I-I-I'm fine..w-why do y-you a-a-ask?" she said.

As long as Naruto doesn’t take off his shirt her blood vessels won’t pop.

"Your face is so red, so you have a fever?" he asked as he placed a palm on her forehead.

Well she’s gonna burst down there soon.

She squeaked abit and backed away for a sec.

"I'm fine..uh..could you tell me your name?" she asked as she was struggling not to faint.

That way she could know whose name to scream tonight in her wet dreams.

"Naruto Uzumaki" he said, the name sounded familiar to Hinata to some reason..

"I'm Hinata Hyuga.." she said

“Can I stalk you and raid your underwear drawer?”

"Are you alone?" he asked.

"I'm just waiting for someone.." she said as she sat back on her swing.

"Well then, Let's have some fun while your waiting!" said Naruto as he got behind her

I think this relationship is going a BIT too fast.

and pushed her. The swing swung forward before moving backwards, and vice versa.

Knocking Naruto in the teeth and snapping his jaw in two.

"Hey Zandali, look at that, how cute!" said Selenna as she watched Naruto play with the pale eyed little girl. Hinata seemed to be enjoying herself, and was also blushing.

Diabetes inducing levels of contrived five year old romance. How compelling.

Zandali chuckled, "Aww, youth....so precious."

And with that I assume Zan and Selly went behind a bush and started doing it doggy style.

________________________________________
With the Hokage..

The booze was almost out, so they decided they better get back to moving the plot along.

Both Nene and Sarutobi searched through the various scrolls. So far, they found nothing.

Well except his lesbian porn collection, but that wasn’t important at the moment.

Sarutobi sighed, "We'll have to continue this later, we need to give Naruto his father's scroll."

Sarutobi went to his desk and grabbed a single scroll from it, "His father made this for him as a way to explain his inheritance,

Dear son, I totally fucked you over as a kid, you’re stuck with a demon inside you till you die. Hope that’s cool. Chow dawg.

I was hoping to give it to him when he was older, but time is of the essence, he must master that blade as soon as possible."

How else can he become like Bruce Campbell?

He handed the scroll into the night elf's hand, "Make sure he gets it, and make sure he doesn't do anything rash."
Which Naruto will be in the next two minutes.

"I'll see to it Sarutobi-sama." said Nene as he leap out a window.

He of course smashed head first into a dumpster. Didn’t think this plan through.

"The hands of fate have blessed this child with two incredible sources of power. The infinite chakra and strength of the Nine-tailed Fox, and the holy powers of the Ashbringer. Who knows what kind of future holds for this child." thought Sarutobi

My guess, the most incredibly overpowered protagonist this side of Copy Cat.

as he went back to his orb to check up on that Forsaken that was in his city.

Yes, we almost forgot about the roaming zombie who killed three people that he also forgot to mention to Nene it seems.

To his surprise, he found the Forsaken heading for Naruto.

Sarutobi: DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRRRRR! I tank made a boo boo!

________________________________________
With the Forsaken..

Associate Professor Evil had finally found his target, the blond little boy was right in front of him, playing with a little girl.
All he had to do was grab him and teleport back to Undercity.

Remember what I said about letting a child molester walk around your village without trying to do anything about it? Zombie in a park trying to kidnap a kid. There you go, my point, validated.

Suddenly, he found a knife sticking through his chest. He wasn't hurt, but it annoyed him, and he HATED to be annoyed.

It popped out his spleen after all and he had just gotten it back in there.

"Ok, who threw this?" he yelled out, scaring countless villagers with the sight of a knife sticking out of his chest.

Oh they were scared of that, but not the fact that he’s fucking undead!

He then felt another knife against his throat, and found a night elf rogue had sneaked up on him.

"Just what are you doing here dead man?" he asked

"I'd ask the same question, but I currently have a man with a knife at my throat, so I can't talk right now." said Mr. Evil

But you are talking right now. Doesn’t that contradict what you just said? God your battle banter sucks.

as he suddenly elbowed the elf in the ribcage, and then grabbed his arm and flipped him over his shoulder. The elf came crashing to the floor with a thud.

Nene, once again you prove you suck as a rogue.

"Now stay here and relax, I'll come back later and kill you later." he said

What a nice guy, well like the folks at the ramen bar said, at least he pays well.

Excuse me while I scream incoherently.

as he almost walked off before noticing the name on a scroll the elf had in his pocket.

"Hmmm, for Naruto...guess I'd better take this with me." said Mr. Evil

"Give that back!!" yelled the Elf

Nene: No fair! Give it back man! This isn’t cool!

"Not to worry night elf, I'll make sure Naruto gets this safe and sound." he said with glee as a look of horror came across the elf's face.

Mr. Evil used to work at FedEx.

"Is he the reason why your here? Did your damn queen order you to kill him?!" yelled the elf as he struggled against invisible restraints.

Shoulda learnt dispel magic dumbass.

"Oh heavens no, She merely requested to have a little chat with him. Once she's done, I'll bring him back..unless she decides to kill him off course."

Kidnap and potential murder, yes, truly poor little Professor Evil and the Undead Forsaken are just misunderstood.

"You damn corpse!! If you lay a hand on him I'll-"

"You'll do what? In case you haven't noticed elf, I have you bound to the ground, and I have more then enough power to kill you. But I won't, consider yourself lucky for today. Ta ta for now." said Mr. Evil

Prof Evil: Stay cool bird boy, I’ll kill you next time.

Well at least he follows the tenants of clichéd stupid villainy.

The elf screamed in frustration as Mr. Evil chuckled to himself.
________________________________________
With Naruto...

Naruto suddenly heard the screaming of Nene

Apparently he blocked out the whole struggle for dear life thing and screaming of the people nearby.

and looked in the direction to find an decayed looking man walking towards him. Following him was a small little crab.

That scene is just ridiculous in my mind as it is in writing.

"That's a Forsaken Warlock!!" screamed Ashbringer before appearing in Naruto's hands in dagger form.

For once a reaction that makes sense!

Naruto stood between the warlock and Hinata, he wasn't about to let this monster harm his new friend.

Plus there was XP to gain.

"Put that toy away before you hurt someone with it boy, and come with me, my Queen wishes to speak with you." said the warlock.

“We’re holding off on eating your brains till we get to know you. Kinda like what the Sinclairs did on “Dinosaurs” you ever watch that show? It was a gas.”

Suddenly, Zandali and Selenna jumped between them, "Ok mon, just what are you doing here?"

You’re cutting into his manwich time!

"Talk before we decide to send you back to the grave!!" said Selenna, eyes glowing with power.

See! Even the Horde members are reacting more appropriately to this situation then this entire village! Why did Konoha become stupid?

"Easy you two, my queen merely wants to chat with him.

And maybe kill him as you suggested if things don’t go her way.

Now if you kindly move aside," Mr. Evil made a sweeping motion with his hand and Selenna was thrown aside like a rag doll.

Well she was useless.

Zandali cried out in anger and swung his hammer at the Forsaken.

Surprisingly aggressive for a troll whose described as rather laid back. Guess you don’t mess with his bitch or he’ll go to town on yo ass.

Mr. Evil however just used a banishing spell to move Zandali to a random location.

He was now trapped forever in the “It’s a Small World” ride. Sucks to be him.

________________________________________
With Zandali...

Zandali found himself standing in the middle of a desert with the sun blazing overhead.

"Where da hell am I?" he said as he looked around.

Well it ain’t Stoner’s paradise friend, that’s for sure.

Suddenly, he saw a familiar mountain range.

"THAT BASTARD!! HE TELEPORTED ME ALL THE WAY INTO THE MIDDLE OF THE TARNIS DESERT!!" he screamed at his general location, which was hundreds or thousands of miles away from Konoha.

Ha ha! Oh, “Trolls, Elves and Ninja Babies” will be right back after these messages.

________________________________________
With Naruto...

"Ok then, let's go Naruto, time to speak with my queen." he said.

Naruto then swung Ashbringer and struck Mr. Evil in the chest.

Naruto expected the man to turn to ash, but to his surprise, nothing happened.

"No...That's impossible!! Anyone of evil or undead turn to dust whenever I cut them? Yet he's still alive?!" Screamed Ashbringer.

Well, it’s official, Professor Evil, Villain Sue. How else could he easily overpower his enemies and be immune to the established powers of the Ashbringer? Villain Sue, overpowered, lame and I should’ve guessed that earlier from the constant attempts by the author to make him funny.

"*Sigh* Enough of this, look boy, nothing bad is gonna happen to you,

Well unless my queen decides to she wants your brains.

we just want you to see our side of the story, you get me?" said Mr. Evil

If I want the zombies’ side of the story, I’ll play Stubbs the Zombie or head to Underworld in Fallout 3.

Naruto gave him a questioning look, "Huh?"

A sensible response.

"You know they wanna take you to Stormwind right?"

Naruto nodded.

"More then likely those nobles in Stormwind will train and raise you with thoughts that all undead deserve to be killed.

Well if they all act like you, yes, they deserve it.

So before that happens and you go on a massacre of my people in Undercity, we want you to see things from our perspective, we'll show you we're not as bad as they'll more then likely tell you." said Mr. Evil

This is coming from a character named Mr. Evil... is this supposed to be ironic?

"Are all the nobles in Stormwind like that?" he asked

"Not all of them, just a few. Heh, I was once the same way, but look at me now, I'm a Forsaken, discriminated and hated just for who I am,

It’s not because of who you are, it’s because you’re a fucking brain eating zombie who belongs to a group of lawful evil aligned characters called the Forsaken who in a recent Expansion pack for WoW, buttfucked both the horde and the Lich King! You’re evil! It’s literally in your name! This is like when Castro tries to claim he’s not that bad a guy or when some asshole tries to excuse Che Guevara’s crimes!

never again will I see my family who live in Stormwind...

I suppose you’d want their bodies risen up from the ground when they pass on and forced into a life of servitude to a fucking Banshee Queen too than huh? Such a better existence.

but enough about me, we have to go now." said Mr. Evil

Naruto knew he had no choice,

He does have a choice! Run like fucking hell!

if this queen wanted to meet him, he'd best not keep her waiting.

Are you serious!?

"Your not actually gonna go with him are you?" asked Ashbringer

I agree, I’m agreeing with Ashbringer, this is stupid even for Naruto.

"He'd said he'd bring me back, and...I feel like I can trust him." thought Naruto. Yes, this man was undead, yet he gave off a vibe as someone Naruto can trust.

Oh yes, he certainly looks and feels like someone you can put your trust in.

HIS NAME IS PROFESSOR EVIL YOU FUCKING DOLT! DID KALA NOT TEACH YOU TO NOT GO WITH STRANGERS?

Suddenly, a swirl of leaves surrounded them and the Hokage appeared, with twelve ANBU black opps surrounding them.

Oh now they’re doing something, he kills three people in the streets, no one lifts a finger, second he attacks a kid you bring out the SWAT team. Too little too late Sarutobi.

"Your surrounded Forsaken, give me the boy and girl, and I'll promise to let you go.." said Sarutobi.

Don’t give him an offer! Ice the brain eating prick!

"Listen here Hokage, I understand this boy is of great importance, but I can promise you that he'll be safe.

Yes trust the decaying sack of walking meat.

I'll bet my soul that no harm will come to him."

Since when do zombies have souls?

said the warlock before reaching into his coat, and pulling out a diamond shard.

"Catch." he said as he threw it into the Hokage's hands.

"What is this?" he asked.

"My soul, in shard form.

How convenient for you. Alright, fair enough, he has one... of course its not in his body, but still, showed me.

If you wish to see what happens to him from here on out, look into that shard and It'll show you his current status and position." said the warlock.

“Of course you’ll be powerless to do anything if anything does happen to him, but hey I’m Professor Evil! You can trust me!”

Sarutobi stared deep into those yellow glowing eyes, "You realize that I could easily crush this shard and end your life?"

Then do it! What’s stopping you?

"Of course I do, now if you excuse me, this boy has a royal interview to attend." said Mr. Evil as he grabbed Naruto's hand.
A circle appeared below them and surrounded them in a field of energy.

Please keep hands inside the hellish pentagram at all times.

Sarutobi could only stare with calm anger. He swore, if anything happened to Naruto, he would crush the shard and end the Forsaken's life, and afterwards, go all out on the city of Undercity.

Or you could do it now and keep Naruto from potentially getting murdered!

Naruto stared at Hinata, who stared back with worry. He smiled and said, "Don't worry Hinata-chan, I'll be fine."

Says the dumbass kid willingly going with the undead monsters who is named Professor Evil!

And with that he was gone.

Our hero is an idiot. Well, a bigger idiot in this fanfic.

________________________________________
End of chapter..

Aww, really? Could we go on for another thirty pages please?

There you have it, Naruto's off to speak with the Banshee Queen Sylvanas Windrunner. What will Naruto experience once he arrives in Undercity? What will happen when he visits Orgrimmar?

Will she swallow his soul?

Keep reading and find out.

Yes, I’m sure everyone wants to read this incredibly boring story that consists of loads of exposition points after exposition points.

In case you didn't know, the nobles of Stormwind hate the Forsaken, alot. If Naruto spent a year there training with them, he'd get the idea that all the Forsaken must be killed for the good of mankind and blah blah blah, all that crap.

Because how could a bunch of undead monsters who have a person named Proffessor Evil among their ranks be evil? This is insulting stupid. You could’ve at least tried to give your lame Villian Sue a name that sounded enticing, or at least appeared good.

So before he trains in Stormwind, I thought I'd give him an experience by visiting the Horde.

Who will explain their rational reasons for why they want to kill all humans.

Naruto will be neutral, meaning he'll be free to go to any of the Faction's cities.

Congrats, you’ve made Naruto into an even bigger pussy than he’s currently now in the Manga. I suppose when the next asshole zombie with a name like Doctor Do-Bad comes along and explains he’ll destroy the world Naruto will try to talk him down with a friendly chat and shout loudly that they’ll die together if they fight one another.

God I hate you. You’re as bad as Kishi, maybe worse.

Read and review.

Oh I will, I will, I’ve already started my angry retort in my head.

Also, expect to see alot of dancing, cuz some of the races I know of in WoW love to dance, and their individual dance styles are......funny and cool in some cases.

It’s the best way to whore yourself out for cash as well.

Animeman2008 signing out

Ja Ne!!

-----------------------------------------

So From what I can gather, the author is trying to make us see the evil undead hordes of the Forsaken as good guys, a discriminated minority. Considering what the Forsaken have been established as previously as bloodthirsty monsters who tried to destroy the world and are dominated by their rulers whether they’re undead blood elves or lich kings, that doesn’t wash with me.

Oh yeah, and the undead villain sue’s name is Professor Evil! He honestly expects us to buy that the Forsaken aren’t horrible monsters with all that in mind? Not only that, but everyone in Konoha is a total idiot who wouldn’t last two seconds in a Zombie apocalypse.

This story is long, boring, full of pointless exposition and the thought of reading more to insult my intelligence further pisses me off! Now you see why it took me this long to mock this chapter. It’s not that it’s really bad, it’s really fucking boring. Nothing happens. It doesn’t help that there’s this fucking Mary Sue now in the form of Mr. Evil who is apparently stronger than a Pit Lord as he can survive a blast from a weapon specifically designed to kill his kind. This is bullshit.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Nov 28 2010, 02:40 PM

[T_K_17]

Good to see you're still alive, Lizard Man.

[Kuramastrassx3]

When I first read "Lich King" I thought it said "Lion King" and I was like, wait, what...?

I only got a little farther than that... sorry, dude. But you know exactly how tedious this is to read and although you make it so much better, I just can't make myself read any more right now...

[Lizard-Man]

Been while, but I'm back. I hope you guys appreciate this, cause this wasn't easy, believe me it wasn't. You try making a boring history lesson about Warcraft's universe interesting and funny, go ahead, try, it ain't easy.

In any case, enjoy, if you've already forgotten, Naruto was last seen being an idiot and going off with Evil Genius Professor Evl... who is also a zombie.

-------------------------------

Naruto: Ashbringer of Konoha

by animeman2008

Ch 4: Reach for the Light

But I may get blinded by it, that’s at least what the song warns.

Me: Welcome to another chapter.

If you look at my Overlord story, you'll find the characters Zandali and Associate Professor Evil in it too.

Wow, I really wanna read that now. I’ll just start reading that little story on my invisible laptop. Yep, here I go, reading your little Overlord story cause I apparently love Professor Evil so much [/sarcasm]

Also, expect a group of OCs to appear later,

More of them? Doesn’t this fanfic have enough already? I know the whole point of a MMORPG is to make your own characters but geez man. At least bring in one recognizable character from the Warcraft universe.

which include a certain red haired engineer, a Tauren who sings well but looks ridiclous posing, a familiar night elf teenager who has a connection to Naruto,

Who he no doubt have to fight and beat in order to gain his friendship like everyone else he’s ever encountered.

a murloc, and a gnome who thinks she's a dwarf.

Stupid gnomes, go back to the garden you damn posers! We don’t want your kind sullying our awesome Nordic badassery!

All this and more after the timeskip to the original arc of the Naruto timeline. All this and more.

Thanks for repeating, we so needed to be told of it twice. It’s also nice to know that after four chapters eventually this story will actually start to move forward.

As a matter of fact, the OCs appearing now will only be temporay for the real ones to come after the timeskip,

So most of them now are completely and utterly pointless as we’ll never see them again. Great, you know usually that would piss me off but knowing the possibility I don’t have to stomach more of Professor Evil in the future along with his uncanny ability to make people stupider and trust him, I’m okay with it.

which should be this or next chapter. All are noobish, meaning they have skills around genin to chunin level if I was to describe it.

Well at least you’re promising they won’t be overpowered douches, lets see how that holds up though.

They'll all meet Naruto on his trip from Stormwind back to Konoha.

In typical RPG fashion he will probably have to complete some kind of fetch quest for them before they even consider joining his party.

The story is changed, it's set 8 years before the arrival of the dranenei and the opening to Outland. At this point, yea Blood elves lost something of great value to the Lich King and the resurrection of the Lich, Kel'zurd.

I hope everyone brought their WoW sourcebook cause there is gonna be a quiz on this later.

Now the Blood elves are coming to terms that they are addicted to magic like a drug,

Blood Elf: Hey man, you want some pixie dust or unicorn horn? I got it all here man, fresh from Columbia, they make some good shit down there man. Just remember, you didn’t get from me, comprende?

They really are. They've already begun to feel the need to consume magical energy and some have found saturation in chakra,

The reality series “Intervention” has already done several episodes on Blood Elf families being torn apart by magic addiction. It’s a serious problem with the youth today, young pointy ears are shooting up mana and smoking eye of newt.

I’m sorry, but the whole concept of being addicted to magic is so hilarious to me I can’t help but laugh. I’m sure it’s true but that doesn’t make it any less silly.

that'll be explained later on...

But they've yet to completely join the horde, it won't be until after the chunin exams that they do.

Then they and the Jamaican Trolls can party down all night long. The Trolls will bring the bongs, the elves will bring the magic enchanted mushrooms.

On with the story!

Guess I couldn’t avoid it forever huh?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ruins of Lordaeron, Undercity...

The first thing Naruto noticed about Undercity was the smell. It really, really, really stunk down there. But then again, it was inhabited by thousands of undead citizens so it was expected.

To be fair there is a serious lack of proper indoor plumbing, making showering a hassle. The city’s hygiene levels are abysmal.

"Here, put this on your face, it'll make the smell alittle bearable." said Associate Professor Evil as he handed a furry object with a piece of string.

Naruto quickly grabbed it and put it over his face.

"It's a gasmask I made out of a rat."

Oh yeah that’s sanitary. Block out the smell of rotting flesh and formaldehyde with a disease infested rat’s corpse! You sure you’re not trying to kill him?

Naruto nearly gagged as he threw the foul smelling mask off his face, only to be hit with an even more foul odor coming from the city.

Better to have your nose assaulted then to contract typhoid!

Ashbringer was laughing in his head as Naruto grumbled and put the mask back on. Yes, it smelled bad, but it was nothing compared to the city.

Later, Naruto asked his doctor if was normal to feel a burning sensation while you peed and what was the best way to stop a bleeding anus.

"Come with me and don't talk to anyone, and do NOT bring out that sword in front of these people." said Mr. Evil as he took Naruto into the city.

Well considering how it didn’t work on you when it should have that’s probably a good idea . Probably needs a change of batteries or something.

The people went about the city as if any normal person would. But from what Ashbringer told Naruto, the Forsaken did not eat, sleep, or feel pain. These Forsaken however, seemed to be mimicking what they would do as if they were alive.

Some kind of instinct, a memory of what they use to do.

Some were sitting in cafes, eating different varities of food and drinks.

Brain frappachinos were a favourite among the populous.

Others seemingly slept in corners or on makeshift beds, and others went about as if they never died at all.

The dead are in constant denial.

"Such a shame, to have lived a life like that, only to wake up the next morning as abomination of the undead..and I don't mean that in a mean way." said Ashbringer.

Coming from the sword whose purpose in life was to kill all zombies.

"Mr. Evil, what is this Sylvanas lady like?" asked Naruto.

"A being of beauty and wrath all brought together in a perfectly preserved corpse,

So like Kerrigan, but deader?

with the power to back it up too." said Mr. Evil as they passed by some of the city guards, which where abominations of the undead, creatures made of different parts of dead animals and humans.

Yeah, creating a creature whose life is no doubt an endless torment of pain and suffering. Most likely stitched together from creatures and people these guys killed themselves. Poor misunderstood denizens of the damned indeed.

Nearby, Naruto could see a class of novice warlocks being tutored by a female Forsaken.

Dead baby jokes could be made, but I won’t stoop that low.

"Now we move on to the next creature, which I know all you males have been dying to see, the Succubus-" before she could finish her sentence, a large puff of smoke appeared in the classroom, and a scatily clad women with a large bust and wings appeared. The men instantly fainted of nosebleeds.

Great, more stupid out of place anime clichés and gag that have no place in fanfiction or literature. A staple of ALL Naruto fanfics practically. And people wonder why it’s regarded as such a bloated section of FF.net, filled to the brim with crappy stories.

"Feh, no self control." said Mr. Evil

Well they died virgins sir, they have unfulfilled needs.

as they passed the classroom to a large throne room, "You have abit of blood too sir." said Naruto as Mr. Evil quickly wiped his nose.

Naruto got his first boner, yay. Can we move on?

Suddenly, a drifting voice could be heard through out the city. All of the Forsaken stopped what they were doing, and gazed at the throne room.

(A/N: The language is not japanese, but the Blood elves' original language, Thallarssian. If you want to actually hear the song, look it up on youtube, it's called Lament of the Highborne.)

I’d rather not thank you, if I wanna hear zombies singing I’ll listen to “re: Your Brains”

"Anar'alah, Anar'alah belore(By the light, by the light of the sun)..."

"Is that-?"

"Yes, it is the Banshee Queen, Sylvanas.." said Mr. Evil, "She must be upset about something, she normally doesn't sing that song often unless she's upset.."

Last time she sung this she found out her Facebook account had gotten hacked and embarrassing pictures of the office party had been circulated across the internet.

"Sin'dorei (Children of the blood)...."

"What is this song?" asked Naruto

"As a human, I can expect that you can't understand it, but it's mostly a song about the downfall of Sylvanas's original race before she died, the Blood elves.."

And her subjects have no choice but to listen to her crappy poetry on a whim? God lord this place sucks, no wonder you guys are all so depressed.

"Shindu fallah na (Our enemies are breaking through)..."

A couple of the Forsaken who were listening actually stared crying,

Which was hard because most of them were missing their eyes.

others simply continued to what they were doing, but Naruto could see they were just as sad as the crying ones.

Well can you blame them? Their queen is a major downer.

Also, from what I understand, the zombies in general of this game are kinda like thralls. They exist only because they have a master to lead them, otherwise they go renegade like the Zurg. That’s why the Lich King exists, to keep the dead in line. So more than likely the only reason these zombies are sad is because their Queen’s influence makes them sad.

But I could be wrong, I have little to no knowledge about the Forsaken and stuff. Especially the Banshee Queen, so maybe it’s different for her. It’s kinda hard to buy though cause she sounds an awful lot like Kerrigan from Starcraft and I know SHE isn’t a loving caring queen.

"Come along Naruto, I don't think she'll mind if we have a front row seat.." said Mr. Evil as little Naruto trotted after him.

Sure, why not, she’s making everyone else listen to her non-sensical emo garbage. A proper audience wouldn’t really change things would it?

"Sin'dorei (Children of the blood).."

Some of the Forsaken started following them to the throne room, they too wanted to see their queen. There were also a couple of visiting blood elves as well.

They were there to score some shaved toad warts to stave off withdrawal originally, but they heard the queen had a secret stash of mana in her nightstand. Being a blood elf herself, she had never truly gotten over her addiction.

"Anar'alah (By the light).."

"What ever happened?" asked Naruto

Well for one, you never learned proper grammar it seems.

"I'm not clear on the subject, you'll want to ask her, but I wouldn't advise it at this point.." said Mr. Evil

Yeah she’s very moody when she’s being emo and crap. She’ll take your head off and suck out the blood from the opened neck artery man.

as they walked past two Forsaken guards. Soon, they came into a throne room where in the center was Sylvanas Windrunner, the Banshee Queen. Like her namesake, about four banshees' were surrounding her, providing back up vocal with their surprisingly pleasant voices.

Oh it’s like those ghosts that sung barbershop at the haunted mansion.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-xl0y_qe4jA&feature=related

"Shindu Sin'dorei (Failing children of the blood)...

Shindu fallah na (They are breaking through)...

Sin'dorei (O' children of the blood)...

Anar'alah belore (By the light of the sun)..

Shindu Sin'dorei (Failing children of the blood)...

Shindu fallah na (They are breaking through)..

Sin'dorei (O' children of the blood)...

Anar'alah belore (By the light of the sun)...

Belore (The sun)..."

Meh, it’s no Grim Grinning Ghosts.

With her song of mourning over, the banshees left to do things unknown to Naruto.

They’re late for their gig at the local bar in case you’re wondering.

The Queen of the Damned then stood before Naruto, staring into his eyes with her own blood red glowing eyes. Naruto stared back, showing no fear, signaling to her that he was not intimated in the least bit.

Duke Nukem: He’s got balls of steel!

"So, this is the one who holds the Ashbringer, the ultimate weapon against the Scourge...Mr. Evil, you may leave us." she said

Mr. Evil bowed as he left,

Hopefully he’ll leave the story too.

but not before one of his eyeballs popped out of his socket and grew tiny legs to scamper away to observe this from a safe distance. When Mr. Evil was a suitable distance, he quickly tore off one of his ears and placed it close by. Sylvanas didn't even notice all this.

I would assume he did behind a closed door, so yeah, of course she didn’t see it.

You know, I’m starting a new drinking game. Every time you think this person is telling instead of showing take a shot. I’m doing this also, because it appears “aleast” and writing “mind” instead of “might” haven’t appeared in awhile.

"So, mind telling me why you kidnapped me?" asked Naruto

Kidnapped? You went with the idiot zombie when he asked you to come! Whose more at fault here? The queen who ordered this? You who didn’t even try to resist? Your dumbass protectors who failed to cover your ass? Or the Hokage for doing absolutely nothing about that Zombie when he showed up and not killing him when he revealed why he was there?

Go on, take your picks folks.

"Careful Naruto...don't want to provoke the all powerful Banshee Queen to kill you..." warned Ashbringer, who was not the least bit confident of Naruto taking on Sylvanas at his level of strength.

Oh I’m sure the little dumbass with no upper or lower body strength can take the evil all powerful ruler of an entire nation of undead monsters.

But Sylvanas just chuckled, "Your either very stupid or very brave to make that comment to me, how old are you?" she asked as she patted Naruto's head.

He was also sitting on her lap and listing off everything he wanted for Christmas.

It was obvious she was pretending to be nice.

Gee, what makes ya say that?

Take a shot by the way.

"5, going on 6 soon." he said.

Sylvanas chuckled again, "Are you aware of why your here?"

Your lame ass villain sue minion convinced him that he was trustworthy? His foster elf mom didn’t teach him about strangers?

Naruto summoned Ashbringer, and nearly shoved it in her face, "For this?" Sylvanas recoiled backwards at it's presence.

"What are you doing, are you trying to get us killed?" asked Ashbringer as Sylvanas calmed down.

No Naruto, keep provoking the evil undead zombie elf, I’m sure it will be okay.

"Is that it? That little dagger is the legendary Ashbringer? Those old gossips must have exaggerated it's power." said Sylvanas rather smugly.

Can’t help but laugh at the unintended sexual connotations. Must... resist... urge to... make... joke

"On second thought, kill her! THROW ME AT HER SO I CAN REDUCE HER TO ASH!" screamed the sword for being refered to as a dagger.

Oh what do you care? You’re a woman Ashbringer. You don’t have to worry about the chicks making fun of your manhood... unless... ewwwwwwwwww! Bad thought! Need bleech!

Naruto put it away, "Your no fun..." whined Ashbringer

"Come with me to my chambers, we have much to discuss.." said Sylvanas as she extended a hand to Naruto. Cautiously, he grabbed her hand and let her lead him away.

Okay, the contations just went from funny to wrong. Pedo- necrophilia.... the internet is messed up.

Sylvanas' room was he old room of the old princess of Lordaeron, after Sylvanas took over the Undercity, she took this one for herself. It was surprisingly clean, and had a queen sized bed with silk covers.

Naruto: I need an adult!

A table with a large mirror with a picture of some of Sylvanas now deceased family.

"Are you hungry? I can get you some food if you want?" she asked kindly

Sylvanas: I hope you like humans hearts and stomachs.

Naruto nodded as Sylvanas then rang a bell. Another forsaken, a female with no nose, came in, "Yes my lady?"

"Bring me and my guest something to eat, prefeuially warm."

Maid: Well I could always warm up a cerebellum in the oven.

The maid bowed as she left, "EKK! Mice!" shouted the maid before a soft squish could be heard.

I’d imagine a zombie wouldn’t really care about mice.

Down in the local Undercity Inn, Mr. Evil could be seen rolling around on the floor in pain as he held his hands to one of his eye sockets.

Oh it was his eyeball, ha, now that I know he’s in pain the joke makes me laugh.

Wait how do you mistake an eyeball for a rat?

Back up in Sylvanas' room, she asked, "Naruto, are you aware of the history of the Forsaken?"

"Somewhat, many think your an evil lot out to destroy both the living and the undead controlled by the Lich king."

Sylvanas frowned, "That's partially true.

And by partially we mean completely.

We only hate the living because they hate us.

Yeah that makes it okay. Play the victim baby, play it.

Those nobles in the kingdoms to the south think we'll spread the plague if we come any closer to their borders,

Well that and you kill them, eat their brains, attack their towns, raise their loved ones from the grave to serve as your unwitting minions and from the looks of it want to take over the world.

that's why we never venture far from our home. Think of it Naruto, all those who have died and risen again can never go back and see their loved ones.

Sad, but they’ve only be risen once more because someone does it for them like Mr. Evil himself. The only reason he’s back is because a warlock cast a spell on him and disturbed his eternal slumber and well deserved rest. That’s not respect for the dead lady, that’s violation of the dead. This isn’t like the Ghouls from Fallout who are just poor saps who got nuked, these zombies have been dug up and forced to be your subjects! You can’t exactly blame radiation for turning you into a zombie, but you can blame the necromancer who does it. Take it from Jud Crandall

Jud: Sometimes, dead is better.

That doesn’t include undead by the way, that was the whole point of the movie.

We live on in undead immortality, while our loved ones pass away, either to die peacefully, or to join us in the ranks of the undead."

Hmm, die and pass on, or forever have my soul stuck in a mini-crystal forever in service to either a Lich King or a Banshee Queen?

Well luckily there is a third option. Walk out, find the nearest knight and jump on his sword.

"What about the Scourge?" asked Naruto

Sylvanas' eyes flashed with anger, "It's their fault we're like this, they were the ones who slew us down and rose us to use as tools of war.

Pot calling the kettle black here don’t ya think? What was Mr. Evil’s origin again? He got dug up to be used as a tool by a warlock.

Now that we're free from the Lich King's control, we'll show them the fury and vengence of the Forsaken!"

Yeah can you get on that now? I’m not waiting another four damn chapters for my awesome zombie war, it’s the only reason I’m sticking with this fic.

Naruto then asked, "Lady Sylvanas, are you always this mad everyday?"

Nah, it’s just her time of the month. Hey Naruto could you go to the corner store and get some tampons?

Sylvanas raised an eyebrow at him, "Why shouldn't I, a leader has to be strong at all times, we can't allow ourselves to be slowed down by trivial emotions."

”Like anger and being mad... wait, no that doesn’t make sense.”

"Not even sadness? not even love? not even happiness? Sylvanas, those are the things that make us who we are, it's what separates us from the Burning Legion or the Scourge, they know nothing of those emotions.

I’m assuming Naruto is talking, where the hell did this little heartfelt speech come from anyway? I mean, he’s five! And he’s Naruto.

Yet here I see you doing the same as them, if you do this, your no better then the Legion or Arthas."

Well at least someone is calling her out on her bullshit.

Sylvanas then then really got angry, "Don't you dare say that name in front of me, I hate that man with every fiber of my being..."

Hmm, I’m sensing possible ex-lover issues here. Probably cheated on her or stood her up, forgot the anniversary, etc.

she grabbed the nearest thing, which happened to be a rat, and threw it out her window in her anger.

This keeps happening every time she throws a tantrum you’d think the rats would wise up and stay out of there.

Naruto sighed, "Ok, I want to make this quick, I know why you want to meet me, you want to ensure that I am not influenced by the nobles in Stormwind to come and destroy you all. Also, I think you want me as an ally in your fight against the Scourge, am I wrong?"

She also wanted your opinion on her new fall line-up, but yeah that’s basically it.

Sylvanas was surprised that this kid of 5 years of age could easily put it all together by just exchanging a few words with her,

Don’t be too surprised, he just read the script.

this kid was way too smart for his age.

Would you quit pointing out the plotholes?

Could the sword be improving his mental and physical attributes? She didn't know, but time would tell.

A wisecracking sword is somehow boosting his IQ? Well at least it’s magic and not a load of crappy science like the BIGRAT machine. Still, it ain’t much better.

"That's basically why I brought you here, yes..." she said, alittle unnerved at this boy's intelligence, but then it hit her, "I assume Mr. Evil told you all this, did he?”

"More or less, just about the discrimination your race suffers because of a curse that was placed on you with you having no control over it." said Naruto

Considering the cure for said curse is to apparently crush your little soul jars you carry around and pass on I think it’s incredibly controllable. Also, sinceyour already undead warlocks keep on raising the dead and massing together dead body parts to form abominations as described I think you have a lot of control over things.

Sylvanas sighed, "I'm glad you understand our situation Naruto."

To her surprise once again, Naruto grabbed her hand, "Lady Sylvanas, I can assure you, I will not raise my sword at your people, I promise my life on that."

And when one of them tries to eat your brain?



What just asking.

For the first time in a very, very, very long time, Sylvanas smiled, a real smile, "Thank you Naruto."

With that in hand, Naruto bowed before her, " If you need to go back home, speak to Associate Professor Evil, he'll take you back."

Naruto nodded and left for her room, but not before the maid came back with his food, "It's an apple pie, enjoy." said the maid as she gave it to Naruto and left.

”It’s made with bat testicles!” the maid shouted from behind Naruto

Seriously, where the hell did they get apples? How do you grow those underground?

Naruto happily ate it as he left, but before he left, he said to Sylvanas, "You know Lady Sylvanas, you should smile more often, you look nicer" and with that said, he left to find Mr. Evil

She didn’t have the heart to tell him every time she smiled a puppy dog died... and was then resurrected as a zombie.

Sylvanas chuckled at the boy's opinion of her, but she reached over for a small mirror and looked at herself while she was frowning. Her face then blossomed into a smile and she agreed with Naruto's statement, she did look nice.

Well there goes another puppy. Thanks Naruto.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Naruto...

Already use to the smell of the city, Naruto walked around to try and find Mr. Evil.

Just an aside, if anyone here can prove me wrong and explain to me more clearly what the Forsaken are and if they’re really as bad as I think they are or if I’m exaggerating. Cause if I’m wrong about this, I’m really sorry.

It’s just this guy isn’t making a very good case for zombies.

Along the way, he ran into a Forsaken sitting under a stairway, "Hey kid, wanna buy a cockaroach?"

No way. Have you seen that movie with the talking ones in the dude’s apartment? Cockroaches are fucking annoying.

Naruto calmy declined and continued to look for Mr. Evil

He soon heard shouting in an inn, and heard the familiar voice of Mr. Evil.

"I'm telling you mon, a kodo has no chance against a raptor! It'd slice up it's fat hide in minutes." yelled a troll

Especially if it goes into the long grass, that’s at least what the screaming guy said.

"Believe me when I say never underestimate Kodos, troll, and if you try and start this argument with me again, I'll send your ass back to the Echo Isles with my foot!" Mr. Evil said with venom in his voice.

Considering the Kodo looks like a prey animal that Raptors would routinely hunt down in packs and kill, I have to agree with the troll. Although to be fair, the Raptors would probably lose quite a few of the pack trying to take it down. I don’t know, maybe I’m just agreeing with the nameless troll cause I hate Professor Evil so much.

He then noticed Naruto and got up from his seat, "Ready to go?" he asked

Naruto nodded before Mr. Evil said, "Good, cuz I'm afraid to say that my teleportation spell is kinda of a one way trip."

Looks like Naruto is gonna have to get use to eating brains.

Naruto gaped in horrer.

"Not to worry, I managed to get this for you." said Mr. Evil as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a small stone with s spiral on it.

Naruto stared at it with wonder, "What is it?"

It’s a zombie kidney stone.

"A Hearthstone, a stone capable of taking you back home. Hold the stone in your hand and picture Konoha, then let the stone do the rest of the work." said Mr. Evil as he handed Naruto the stone.

Unfortunately Naruto thought about going to candy land the next second and ended up trapped there.

Naruto glanced at the stone and could feel it, the magical energy stored inside, along with a image of Konoha and it's beautiful forests and wonderous landscape.

Enjoy it while you can kid.



Enjoy it while you can.

"Oh yes, before you leave, take this, I believe the Hokage wanted you to have it." said Mr. Evil as he handed Naruto a scroll with a spiral emblem on it.

If he wanted to give it to Naruto so damn much he would’ve brought him to his office instead of leaving him with his asstard guardians who can’t defend shit.

"I suggest you look at it after you get to Konoha. Anyways, I wish you best of luck my young friend." said Mr. Evil as he started to leave.

"Will I ever see you again Mr. Evil?" asked Naruto

Fighting urge to pummel skull inward.

Associate Professor Evil smiled, " You just might my young friend, you just might..."

In a lamer story which from what I could read consisted of grevious amounts of OOCness on all fronts and another videogame crossover that makes no fucking sense.

Without warning, the hearthstone teleported Naruto back to Konoha.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Konoha...

Sarutobi nearly had a heart attack when Naruto suddenly popped out of thin air and landed on top of his desk, making a mess of all the paperwork he had just finished filing in order.

Naruto gets kidnapped right before your eyes, your only way of knowing he’s okay is with some orb where you can watch his journey and you spent all this damn time filling paper work? Really? No concern over a kid you decapitated like two people at least when you found out they tried to drown him? None.

Okay why your priorities so strangely skewed Hokage? First you let a zombie wander around your village for three weeks, THEN you let him kidnap one of your villages kids and finally you spend the whole damn time filing paperwork instead of trying to manage said crisis or at least oversee it. I’m beginning to see why they replaced you.

Surprisingly, Naruto was asleep, and was free of injuries.

I guess teleportation takes a lot out of a five year old. Then again any kind of transportation seems to make them fall asleep.

After an examination by a medical ninja, Sarutobi decided to take Naruto to his home.

There, he found his son, Asuma Sarutobi, discussing something with Kurenai Yui.

Obviously they’re having an argument about his addiction to tobacco and the effect all the second hand smoke is having on her and their relationship. That would actually be a lot more interesting than this story to be honest..

Also there were Nene, Selenna, and Zandali who some how managed to make his way back to Konoha.

Something that will never be explained to anyone despite the fact he was zapped into the middle of nowhere with no means of transportation out of there. Just go with it, the author can’t bother to talk about a story of survival that would be far more interesting than half the crap I’ve read so far.

"All I'm asking is why did you do that? You just don't go about slapping a member of the Hyuga clan, what were you thinking?" yelled Asuma

”Bitch owed me twenty bucks.” Kurenai replied “Gotta keep me pimp hand strong![“

"Asuma, if you were there as well, you'd probably done the same thing as well, the things he was saying to her...I just got mad, I'm sorry." sad Kurenai with tears in her eyes.

”That’s okay baby,” Asuma assured “we’ll have make-up sex it will be okay.

"It's true mon, da lettle turd had the nerve to even go as far as strike her." said Zandali.

This revelation of child abuse is all more funnier than it should with that accent.

Everyone then turned at him, "What?"

It wasn’t because they were shocked they just couldn’t understand what he was saying.

"Before you came, he was just there sitting on a bench, staring at her with hateful eyes, next thing I knew mon, he socked her one in da gut. I swear, I was gonna kick his lettle ass if Selenna wasn't holding me back. I mean nobody should strike your own flesh and blood, even we trolls know that!" said Zandali.

A real troll would’ve laughed at the whole thing, ask anyone on Encyclopaedia Dramatica.

Kurenai nearly ran out of the house to find this child, a boy named Neji,

Ah yes, Neji, the quintessential jackass of the Hyuga. I was wondering when he was gonna show up, this is a NaruHina story after all.

if not for the sudden appearance by Sarutobi.

"Is there a problem here?" he asked.

"Nothing to serious dad, just a little fight between children-"

"Nothing serious? He used the Jyuken on her, that mark on her stomach is proof enough! He could have killed her!" yelled Kurenai

Isn’t the whole point of training them to be ninjas training them to kill? I’m just saying, you’re training child soldiers. What do you expect to happen? Say, anyone gonna take Sarutobi to task for not killing the fucking asshat undead right then and there? Or for not telling Nene and the others about it? Or for not taking it down when it first showed up? Or, you know, anything he did that was just plain fucking retarded of him?

"Calm down Kurenai, I'll see into this matter myself, for now, we have another issue at hand," said Sarutobi as a medical nin escorted by two ANBU entered the room carrying Naruto.

Oh yeah him! We were so worried about poor little Hinata we completely forgot about the fact a Zombie kidnapped the supposedly really important Ashbringer weidler. Glad to see you were all so worried about him.

"Is that-"

"HEY! The lettle blonde wonder's back!" said Zandali

"He just came back awhile, but I'm afraid he'll have to leave soon, but not" Sarutobi pulled out a scroll, "Before he learns of his heirtage."

Which he could’ve learned earlier if you weren’t such a horrible ninja leader.

Asuma and Kurenai gasped at the symbol on the scroll. The personal symbol of Minato Namikaze, the late Fourth Hokage.

"If you have questions, I suggest you save them for tomorrow, I think Naruto would like that.

I have tons of questions, all of them pertain to every single person in this room except for Naruto. You people have far more to answer for than him.

Is anyone using the guest room?" asked Sarutobi

"Hinata Hyuga is in there recovering, the blow she received did more damage then we thought."

WAIT! I just realised something, everyone was shocked to learn that Neji had punched Hinata, yet for some reason Kurenai was able to name the exact technique he used on her. Sure she could’ve recognized the technique from Zan’s description but all he said was he socked her in the stomach! It could’ve been a regular punch for all she knows! Even if she somehow did know, Hinata is recovering in the guest room from said blow. How was she and Asuma surprised that Hinata had been hurt? How was anyone surprised? Continuity people! Where is it!?

"I hope she doesn't mind company for the night." said Sarutobi

Well if it’s Naruto she’ll wonder if her sexual fantasies from her sleep were actually real.
--------------------
Next half of chapter below

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jul 6 2010, 11:33 AM

[Lizard-Man]

Unknown location..

Black.

The entire space around Naruto was pitch black. He felt cold and alone as the darkness surround him.

Remembering the womb or experiencing the horror of watching the third ninja turtles movie?

"Where am I? Ashbringer, where are you?" he called out into the darkness, but there was no reply, but he caught movement in the darkness. A pair of pupiless yellow eyes flashed in the darkness as a demon appeared from the shadows. It was like staring into the face of wrath itself. This demon's red skin glew with demonic energy as his ram-like horns surged with lighting. His giant bat like wings seemed to fill the entire space as he towered over Naruto menacingly.

Oh don’t worry Naruto, that’s just Mr. Child-Homicide! He just wants to tell you why people wrongfully persecute Demons and junk.

Naruto could not talk or react, only stare in fear.

The huge demon then raised his clawed hand in preparation to crush Naruto, but suddenly, light speared through the shadows and the demon disappeared.

Lucky for Naruto the demon was not accustom to bright light spending most of his days in his mom’s basement playing D&D

Naruto then found himself surrounded by 10 orbs of light. The lights then faded to reveal creatures that appeared to be composed of shards of light that freely moved around a central "heart." At least it looked that way to Naruto. Each gave off it's own unique light, but they all made Naruto feel warm and safe.

Like a glow-worm. Remember those kids?

"Greetings youngling...are you the holder of the Ashbringer?" asked one of the crystal beings.

Naruto nodded his head before the 10 of them burst out in another language that he couldn't understand.

Hmm, must be speaking Vortigaunt. That language can be so annoying. It’s like they’re talking behind your back and you can’t even tell whether or they’re insulting you. At least with Elvish you can sorta guess.

Finally, the first one spoke, "Young one, we are the Naaru..a race of sentient light energy beings who are...concerned about the sword you carry."

“We’re thinking the readers are getting tired of it’s annoying attempts to be this story’s Cortona you see.”

Naruto frowned, "Let me guess, you don't want me to have it?"

"No, it's not that, it's not the sword we're worried about...it's the spirit that inhabits the sword, we have reason to believe it is a naaru like us."

Why you think? Are all your people annoying unfunny Navi-esque helper characters?

"It's a she." said Naruto

More talk erupted from the Naaru as they continued to debate about this.

"Then that settles our theory. Young one, My name is A'dal, leader of the Naaru...and we believe that the spirit that lives in the crystal of your blade is also a Naaru."

Yeah, you just said that. Thanks for repeating. Really necessary.

Another Naaru then spoke up, "She is the daughter of a long dead companion of ours. His name was D'ore, and before he died, a shard of his body fell from him and became the first newborn Naaru the universe had yet to see in thousands of years."

Oh so she’s some kind of star child then. Is this gonna turn into “The Last Mimzy”? Cause there’s only so much whimsical bullcrap I can handle.

"We do not know how she came to your world, but we cannot change fate. Her coming just might be a foretelling of much worse things to come..." said another Naaru

Since she’s been here for thousands of years whatever is coming is taking its sweet damn time.

"Why? What's gonna happen?" asked Naruto

"We cannot say, the link we are sharing for the moment will fade in a few minutes, so we'll have to keep this short." said A'dal.

"We ask you to keep her safe until we arrive to your world in 7 years time. All will be explained then, until then, keep her safe." said another Naaru named O'ros as they started to fade away.

Oh goody more stupid exposition that is slowly eroding any mystery this sword has left. Thanks author, I have something to look forward to now. A bunch of star people coming to earth and doing crap.

"Wait, tell me her real name, it's alittle tiring calling her Ashbringer." yelled Naruto

"She doesn't have a name, she left too quickly before we could give her a name.

Kinda hard to give someone a name when they’re falling from the sky at a billion light-years an hour.

If your going to give her a name, choose carefully Naruto, sometimes even names can change the world..." said the Naaru cryptically before they disappeared except for one.

Yeah, I mean imagine if Hitler was actually named Bozo! Wait, no that wouldn’t have changed anything we’d just think Bozo was the personification of all evil and we’d be calling people Bozos on Youtube for not agreeing with us.

"Make no mention of this meeting to her, it'd be best to wait until she personally meets us. She's already suffered enough trauma all these years of war you've humans put her through, and the shock of her origins might just drive her over the edge..." warned the lone Naaru before it too disappeared.

She’ll probably make even stupider jokes and puns. Best to do what they say.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Real world..

Naruto woke up to find himself comfortable, all nice and warm as he felt something on his back.

He found the girl he met awhile ago, Hinata, with her arms wrapped around him. A little red in the face, he managed to wiggle out of her clutch.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t0H2fH3K044

This is a warning to Hina/Naru shippers, You may need insulin soon.

Then, he heard her groan in pain as she unconsciously put her hands to her stomach, as if she was suffering from a wound.

"Hey, your back. You've been out of it for three hours now. Your roommate here has been groaning in her sleep, I think she's in pain." said Ashbringer

Thanks Doctor Obvious, what would you prescribe in this situation? Perhaps some kind of pill that kills pain? Man, what would call that?

"Should I do something?" he asked

"Of course, but the question is, can you? You've yet to recieve paladin training...

What does that have to do with anything? I thought it was usually mages who acted as healers in WoW.

but let's give it a shot." said the spirit, "First, pick her shirt up so we can see her stomach."

That’s a bad touch area! Bad touch!

Naruto carefully placed her on her back and carefully moved her shirt up and he saw a really nasty bruise on her stomach.

"Whoa, that's alittle worse then I thought, ok, now place your hand on the wound and close your eyes."

Little known fact about Ashbringer, she earned a PHD in medical science. First sword to do so in her class... or in the entire schoolboard.

Naruto placed his hand on Hinata's bruise as gently as he could, she didn't cry out in pain.

"Now, focus your mind, can you see the light?" asked Ashbringer

"Yes, I can feel it."

“Good, now jab your hand in there and pull out her pancreas.”

"Ok, now in your mind, reach for the light and imagine the light flowing into the palm of your hand."

Naruto did just that and felt a surge of energy flow from him into Hinata's wound.

He opened his eyes to find a small orb of light glowing in his palm as the presence of the light was healing the wound.

Hinata's face suddenly became peaceful as the wound disappeared.

Naruto heals the sick and injured... good god as if they hadn’t shoved this messiah bullcrap down our throats enough already.

"That was Healing Light, a basic paladin healing technique that as the name implies, heals minor wounds. I'm surprised you actually managed to pull it off." said Ashbringer

I’m not, complex tasks like that come naturally to canon sues.

"Who did this to her?"

"Probably someone with a vendetta against her.

Nah, Neji is just an a-hole.

By the way, what does the scroll you've recieved got? What sort of info does it hold?" asked Ashbringer.

"Old man Hokage said it was my inheritance, what ever that means." said Naruto as he pulled open the scroll.

To his disappointment it was just a Gift Certificate to Starbucks.

It was letter with a seal at the bottem.

My son,

If you are reading this, then you must have received the legendary sword Ashbringer, or you have learned of the beast sealed inside you. If not, please forgive me as I explain.

Oh this should be good, can’t wait to hear his rationalization.

You have probably heard about the night the Kyubi attacked Konoha. Many said he was destroyed. What they didn't know was that the Kyubi cannot be killed. With no other choice, I had to make a decision.

“I didn’t really think it through much, but to be fair I was kinda pressed for time.

At first, I wanted to seal the Kyubi inside the Ashbringer, but the sword itself rejected the spirit of the fox, with no alterative, I sealed it into my newborn son, you.

Could’ve seal it into a million other things, yourself, one willing participant from the crowd, fellow ninja, nope, chose your son. I like the explanation they’ve given in the Manga so far to be honest a lot better. That’s saying something cause I really don’t like the Manga right now.

I needed someone who's chakra coils had yet to develop.

Why? If you had the bright idea of sealing it in a sword why not just seal it in a cardboard box or another sword or a shuriken? Why a kid?

I would gladly have sealed the Kyuubi in myself, or anything else. But what Hokage would I be, if I didn't protect my village? And what kind of man would I be, if I asked someone else to sacrifice their child, when I myself am not willing to make the sacrifice?

Um, no offense but since you died anyway, maybe you should’ve just sealed it in yourself cause, well, come on. You can’t protect people if you’re dead.

So it is with hope and faith that someday, you'll be able to control it's vast powers and prevent anyone from using it, I sealed the demon at the cost of my life.

“Till then sucks to be you sonny jim.”

It would have pained me to see you suffer from this fate.

Say wait, how’d you write all this before the Fox came crashing down on everyone and start ripping the village apart? You some kind of speed writer?

I wanted the village to see you as a hero, but knowing them, they probably think of you as the demon itself.

You know for someone who wants to protect your village you seem to have a low opinion of them.

That is not true my son, you are not the demon, you are it's jailer, nothing more.

“You’re like the Warden from ‘The Shawshank Redemption’ but lacking the crazy.”

But as luck would have it, I managed to arrange a something with a old friend. Kala Moonshire was the one who introduced me to your mother, Naruto. If it wasn't for her, you wouldn't be here right now. Kala knew I was to die that day, and agreed to take you in.

Are you writing this after the fact cause she didn’t seem to know about the whole thing until later on and she only left with him when the village decided child murder was a good idea.

You'd be safer with her, for I saw something that day, someone was controlling the Kyubi. A man in a mask.

“It was weird too, he seemed so funny and hilarious at first. Caught me by surprise.”

But as I looked further, there was something else, something beyond the mask, another more powerful entity, a demonic one. I knew he'd come after you, so I let her take you to be placed under the protection of the night elves.

Um, wait what? I’m sorry, this really doesn’t make sense. Kala only took care of Naruto afterwards, when things went south with the elders. Don’t you know how to keep your continuity straight at all? I mean, none of this happened in the first chapter! None of it! Kala took it upon herself to protect him, she was never instructed by anyone to do it! This is confusing as hell.

I suppose you want to know more about your mother. Her name was Kushina Uzumaki

Your mother was a beautiful woman Naruto, she lived across the seas in the Hidden village of the Maelstrom, which was near the city of Lordaeron, once the greatest city of humankind. After the fall of Lordaeron, Kala took her here and I met her.

So Kushina in this universe is actually a immigrant from the Warcraft franchise... ow, good lord ow this hurts.

After a few bumps here and there, we got married at the city of Stormwind.

And you didn’t marry in your hometown why? Seems like a hell of a long trip just to get married. Don’t you do that for your honeymoon?

She never looked so beautiful that day. Afterwards, she became pregnant with you. But on the day of your birth, the Kyubi attacked, and I told her of my plan. She was reluctant at first, but finally agreed to it. Soon, after I died, she died shortly afterwards as well.

Well you must’ve found some good stretch of time between then and now to not only do all of that but write this letter out. I mean good lord man, you mean tell me, the Kyubi attacks on the same day Naruto is born, he tries to seal it in the ashbringer and fails, decides to seal it in his son and takes a long while to make Kushina agree to the terms, tells Kala somehow to get to the village so as to pick up his son and bring him to her village, write out this letter in the intervening time and save the village as he does in the series? I mean, what was the Kyubi doing during all that? Twiddling it’s paws together waiting for something to happen? Konoha should be rubble by now and everyone dead!

Now, I bet your wondering about the sword, Ashbringer.

No not really, I have all the damn information I need to know. It’s forged from a star-child and slays the undead. I really have no more questions about it.

Let tell you this. In the days before I became Hokage, I traveled across Azeroth with my genin squad, seeing wonderous sights as I met the leaders of the various races across the land. If you ever meet an orc named Thrall, I suggest you mention me. He's a great and cunning ally to have, not to mention a wonderful friend.

You know, when he ain’t torching down villages and eating babies. WHAT?! I’m just saying, they’re orcs, they hate humans! I know not all orcs can be the same but why would they trust some random human stranger when all they’ve encountered so far is humans who don’t like them and in return the orcs don’t like them either.

You see why this crossover doesn’t work?

Anyways, it was during the third world war between the nations to the north of konoha, my genin squad and I got involved in a fight that ended up with the forging of the ashbringer. I was fighting an orc warlock

I thought orcs were your friends?

who was gathering souls with a dark crystal object, but me and Highlord Alexandros Mograine of the Silver Hand killed him.

So not only were you friends with orcs you were with the alliance? Does anyone else feel incredibly confused about all this cause I’m really lost here! Please! Anybody who knows anything about WoW and warcraft in general, explain to me what the hell is going on!

But it was too late, all of the people he killed were gone.

Yeah that tends to happen when you kill someone.

Upon touching the crystal, Alexandros was inflicted with wounds he could not heal.

The crystal was the "living embodiment of shadow," and originated from Draenor, another world. Yes my son, there are other worlds out there.

“Yes whole new worlds, dazzling places you never knew, but when you’re way up here it’s crystal clear, and now I’m in a whole new world... but without you cause I’m dead.”

Mograine and I kept the crystal a secret until the first whispers of the Scourge reached Lordaeron and Konoha. He revealed it to the other leaders of the Silver Hand, suggesting that they search for the crystal's polar opposite — a manifestation of the Light itself — to be used against the impending undead holocaust.

Yeah we know, Ashbringer explained all of this to us. Point taken, the Fourth obviously didn’t know it would but still, this exposition is completely uneeded! You don’t tell your audience something it already knows! That’s bad writing! It’s wasting time you could be putting into far more important scenes! You should’ve just not had Ashbringer explain her origins in the first place! You’ve could’ve excused it by saying she didn’t remember, or that she could say “Now is not the time, when you’re ready I will tell you”, but no, go ahead, re-tell the pointless backstory and bore me even more why don’t ya.

Mograine's peers, appalled at the sight of this dark crystal, attempted to destroy it with a holy spell. Unexpectedly, the crystal absorbed the spell and became its antithesis, the very crystal of pure light that Mograine suggested moments before. It was decided that from this crystal a weapon would be forged that would smite the undead with such power that only a cloud of ash would remain in its wake — The Ashbringer.

Wow that story is just as dull as the first time. I could make jokes but they wouldn’t be all that different from the ones I already made when we FIRST covered this. Seriously do you have any concept of keeping up any form of mystery or suspense good sir?

Mograine and I traveled to Ironforge, where King Magni Bronzebeard forged the blade himself, infusing it with rage and vengeance for his brother Muradin who fell before Frostmourne, another legendary runeblade of malevolent power.

Afterwords, I never heard from Mograine again. But soon I heard news of his crusade to retake The Northern half of the contienent that had fallen under control of the Lich King.

I’d imagine that campaign went about as well as Vietnam or Napoleon’s March into Russia.

After the Silver Hand was dissolved following Arhtas Menthril's betrayal, the remaining leaders banded together to fight the undead of the now-Plaguelands. I too joined him on his mission.

I thought you said you and Moggy parted ways afterwards and never saw each other again once the sword was forged. Keep your story straight man, it’s all over the frickin place now!

Ashbringer became the most lethal weapon in our arsenal

It was like a portable neutron bomb that only work on dead people. Ash Williams and the folks at the Munroe Mall would’ve killed to have this thing.

— so much so that it quickly garnered the attention of Kel'Thuzad, the Lich King's right hand man. Balnazzar, a demon dread lord, in the newly possessed body of Grand Crusader Saidan Dathrohan, sought to secretly manipulate the remnants of the Silver Hand for the purposes of the Burning Legion.

Ya know, by this time the Kyubi has probably smashed six orphanages while you explained the entire damn history of this stupid sword, get to the point why is it in Naruto? You have a village to save.

After Mograine stated his intentions to attack the Undercity, Balnazzar put plans into motion to eliminate the Highlord in order to protect his brother, Varimathras, who in turn was manipulating Sylvanas Windrunner and her Forsaken.

Oh so that’s why she hates him so much, she was being played like a fool, how interesting. God I’m so bored. I can’t think of anything funny guys, I can’t make this funny. It’s so dull. It’s like I’m reading a textbook about the history of Warcraft not a letter of a dead father to his son.

Balnazzar made a pact with Kel'Thuzad to eliminate the Highlord: the bane of the Scourge would be destroyed, and the dreadlords' agendas would continue. He corrupted Mograine's son, Renault, and made plans to set a trap for the Highlord.

Yep this is starting to turn into the clusterfuck I predicted earlier. So when do they start evacuating the embassy by helicopter?

Renault led his father and me to Stratholme, where the legions of the Scourge awaited them. Renault fled and hid while Mograine and myself fended for themselves.

Wait? Themselves? Okay, that could just be a typo, but I’m starting to think that this entire history lesson, or at least parts of it, have been copy pasted from some online Wikipedia entry on the event. Good lord, I thought this wouldn’t be as bad as Mykan’s stuff but it’s getting there.

Fairbanks eventually became trapped alive under a pile of corpses.

Eww, what a way to go. I mean ice cream, cool, dead bodies, yuck. That’s the worst way to suffocate I think. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.

Mograine and I continued to smite thousands of the undead with ease, but he was eventually wearied and dropped his blade in fatigue. I did my best to protect him.

But you had Ashbringer, shouldn’t they have just been disintegrated upon contact with ease? I mean, sure Mr. Evil was okay, but that’s because he’s a villain sue.

Renault came out of hiding to exploit his father's vulnerable state. He took up Ashbringer and slew his father, which simultaneously corrupted the blade by using it for such a treacherous act.

I thought the blade could only harm the undead? What gives Ashbringer? Is anything in this story consistent?

In my anger, I nearly slew him, if not for the sudden explosion of the sword. The sword bursted into light and an demon/angelic

That’s technically a bit of an oxymoron buddy.

being came forth that burned away all of the armies of the Scourge on that day.

Didn’t seem do a good job of it though as the Forsaken and Scourge are still around and killing folks.

The sword was then passed into my hands.

Why yours? Why not the next highlord over?

In my head, I could hear a voice telling me to take the sword somewhere far, far away so it could recover from it's corrupted state.

In other words you’re kleptomaniac and you stole it. Huh, not very noble if you think about it.

Using my Hiraishin no Jutsu, I quickly came back to Konoha and sealed the sword away. 5 years before I met your mother,

Considering you were about eight years old when you met Kushina in the manga you apparently did all this before you were even out of diapers.

I’m betting the author feels a bit silly about now. Oh well, it’s an AU, we can deal.

the sword came out of it's corrupted state and was back to normal. But I was unsure as to what to do with it.

Um, give it back to the Alliance and what was left of the Highlords who rightfully owned it?

So I decided on giving it as a gift to the next hokage after me.

Fifth Hokage: The fuck am I suppose to do with a sword that kills undead monsters in one shot?

Fourth Hokage: Well actually it’s good against all evil monsters and evil of all forms.

Fifth Hokage: Isn’t evil kinda an abstract concept? I mean, if I’m a communist I’m gonna think Capitalism is evil and vice versa.

Fourth Hokage: Yeah, but some things are undoubtly evil, like Hitler

Fifth Hokage: Still, not many zombies show up here. It’s probably just gonna gather dust.

Fourth Hokage: If one does show up you’ll be ready and be able to kill it easy. I mean, what kind of dumbass would let a Zombie wander around the village for any length of time endangering people’s lives pointlessly. That would just be a sign of complete ineptitude.

No, I’m not gonna let that go! That’s was so patently stupid it makes my brain bleed!

But the sword seems to have a mind of it's own, and it kept teleporting from it's seal to Kushina's side, close to her womb where you were developing.

Sometimes almost stabbing her as well as it teleported in and freaking out everyone in the room at the baby shower

Yeah teleporting sword getting close to a woman’s womb... thatsd dangerously close to a possibly very lewd SNL dead baby comedy sketch.

I knew right away, that you were destined to be the next wielder of Ashbringer.

Why him and not Kushina? I mean, sure it was teleporting close to her stomach but there was a fifty/fifty chance you were wrong. I mean it turned out on the money but it could’ve been your wife anyway.

My son, you hold two great and terrible powers in your hands. I trust you can learn to make use of these powers for the good of all the races on this world.

That still doesn’t explain how the sword got inside him, this explains bupkiss! It just explains that the Ashbringer wanted to have Naruto wield it. It doesn’t explain why the damn sword is stuck in his frickin’ body and is talking to him!

So now, I must end this letter, the demon fox is coming, and I have to complete the sealing.

Where the fuck was it all that damn time!? Did it stop off at Hooters for hot wings or something!? I mean sweet jesus this damn fox was fucking slow. You practically wrote a ten page essay here!

(there were tear marks near the signature)

Tear marks that were purple and looked like grape juice.

Love, Minato Namikaze

P.S, I have a gift for you son, the seal at the bottom of this letter is my gift to my heir. His mother helped me out of tight spots, and I hope he'll do the same for you.

Well that was a long boring info-dump waste of fucking time. And the contradictions littered within it lead me to believe it a sack of lies. I bet the truth is Minato won it in a claw game and used it to decorate the office for a good long while before figuring out what it was.

Naruto was weeping as he read the letter as silent tears came cascading down his cheeks. In his head, Ashbringer was sobbing uncontrollably.

Yeah it’s so sad, not boring in the slightest at all, so very sad. Are we done yet?

Despite this little spot of news, she could not remember any of those events, and she didn't her history was so violent.

"I never knew..." said Naruto as he wiped his tears. His father sacrificed so much in order to ensure that his son would be safe.

Nice to see Sarutobi honoured all those sacrifices by the way by almost getting you killed just a few hours ago. Oh and he sure as made you safe, hunted, sought after by everyone as a tool and persecuted sure as shooting sounds safe to me.

"Your father was probably a great man,

Probably? Sounds like you’re a bit on the fence there Ashy.

I wish I could remember him..." said Ashbringer.

Selective amenisa, a bad writer’s saving grace.

"So I have a demon sealed inside me...was it that thing we met earlier in that cage?" asked Naruto.

"It might be, for now, let's see what your father has left you with." said Ashbringer

Didn’t I tell it was a gift certificate to Starbucks, don’t worry they got good cupcakes I hear.

The seal at the bottom literally had his name on it, Naruto touched it and with a poof of smoke, an ash colored egg appeared.

"An egg?"

Suddenly, the egg crumbled to ash, and from the ash rose a small red dragon.

Naruto was perplexed as to why it kept talking like Eddie Murphy.

Apparently, Minato's seal preserved the egg right before it hatched, thus explaining as to how it could survive for so long.

"It's a red dragon hatchling! How in the world did your father get it!" asked Ashbringer

He grinded for sixty hours farming low level monsters until he got an egg.

The small dragon opened it's eyes and made a squeal of delight as it bound up to Naruto and started licking his face.

His sad mood lifting, Naruto laughed as he tried to pry the small whelp off his face. His laughter awoke Hinata, who nearly screamed at the presence of Naruto and the dragon.

Sounds like a typical morning after a hangover.

I have a dirty mind.

"Whoa, take it easy, Hinata-chan." he said as he calmed her down. But she was blushing to the fact he added the suffix 'chan' to her name.

Something everyone seems to keep doing even though it’s pretty damn annoying and pointless.

Then, she realized that the pain in her stomach was gone. She reached over to the supposed bruise to find it completely gone.

"Don't worry about the bruise, I healed it for you." said Naruto as he gave her his trademark grin.

Pervert.

"t-thank you Naruto-kun." she said with a smile

Naruto then yawned, "Man, I just woke up, yet I still sleeply, I did have a long day..." he mumbled as he fell backwards and fell asleep again.

Yeah, that long boring letter by your daddy would put ya to sleep.

"I guess the use of the healing spell really took alot out of him. Best let him rest." said Ashbringer to the dragon, who surprisingly responded.

"I'm perfectly aware of that."

Oh for the love of god no! Not another talking creature speaking in Naruto’s head! The poor kid has more voices in there then Son of Sam did!

"You can talk?"

"All dragons are capable of telepathic speech after birth,

How very convenient that you can form more complex thoughts at this stage other than “Baba” or “dada” as most babies would.

my vocal cords have yet to adjust so it'll be some time before I can speak through my mouth. Now if you excuse me, I have to nap with mommy." said the Dragon as it curled up in Naruto's lap and fell asleep as well.

"Mommy?!" said Ashbringer before laughing uncontrollably.

I have to laugh too, this creature just showed it got the concept of vocal cords and dragon functions and it’s still using baby talk. Makey no sensey.

Hinata, oblivious to the silent conversation between the dragon whelp and the sword, decided to join Naruto in his sleep by cuddling up next to him, strangely very happy to have him near her again.

Well, here’s your insulin folks. Enjoy it, you’ll be on it for the rest of your lives. As for me, I’m immune to all this cause no matter how cute this pairing is it will still be just as boring as this story.


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Somewhere in the Land Of Lighting...

...and thunder!

"YEEHAW! I can't believe it! He actually agreed!" yelled a muscular and dark-skinned man with a tattoo that says "iron" on his right arm and on his left cheek, he had a tattoo of a bull's horn.

"What happen, did you finally give up your rapping?" asked a voice in his head

Oh my god! It’s Killer Bee! The only interesting new character Kishi has created since the start of Shippuden! Oh please Killer Bee! Help me to be interested again!

"No, my brother has agreed to let me go to the contienent to the north to train, what he doesn't know is I'm gonna be visiting an old rapping buddy of mine."

Eminem? Tupac?

"You mean that troll, Shaggy?

Zoinks!

I didn't know he could rap."

"You'd be surprised Eight-o, and I hope to get it on with a couple of troll women, they've not to picky when it comes to love..."

Um, dude... have you seen troll girls? You... you really wanna bang that?

"You have strange taste in women..."

I disagree, this is bizzaro world taste in women.

"And you have 8 tentacles coming outta your ass, which do you think is stranger?" asked Kirabi

That’s a natural function of an Eight-tailed monster, you wanna have sex with troll ladies.

"Ohh shut up and let's go you twit.." said the Hachi no Kyogyū (Eight tailed Giant Ox)

"Now hear some of this, Shaggy taught me this..."

"Here we go.." said the giant ox as it rolled it's eyes.

"Soft and coddle hug me up like a quilt

I'm a lyrical lover no take me for no filth

With my sexual physique Jah know me well built
Oh me oh my well well can't you tell
I'm just like a turtle crawling out of me shell
Gal you captivate my body put me under a spell
With your cus cus perfume I love your sweet smell
You are the only young girl who can ring my bell

And I can take rejection so you tell me go to hell..."

"That was actually pretty good." said the ox

Better than Medeva’s rhymes anyway.

"What I tell yah? I also heard there's a famous dance club in Origimmar, he hangs out there often


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Somewhere at Darnassuss...

The group of stormwind soldiers had arrived, along with the hypnotized Highlord Bolvar Fordragon.

Oh yes him, almost forgot about that. Begin the murder of the protagonist’s home village ala every Western RPG ever made.

They came up to the city guards and in a monotone voice, Bolvar asked, "Where is the child named Naruto? Lady Prestor demands to see him.."

Guard 1: This sounds slightly suspicious, sound we consider getting like a preist to check him out or something?

The guards gave him questioning looks, "My lord Bolvar, surely Stormwind was informed of the agreement regarding the Ashbringer."

Guard 2: Nah let’s continue talking to him like we think nothing is wrong.

Under the influence of Lady Prestor's spell, he remembered the agreement all the races leaders agreed upon. Who so ever discovers the next wielder of Ashbringer is to bring him to Stormwind for immediate paladin training. Should it fall into the Horde's hands, that particular horde person was to train with the now scattered blood elves.

Why would the Alliance agree to that? Hell why would anyone agree to that? Sounds like a problematic treaty.

"Yes, of course, Men, let us go back to Stormwind, our little friend will eventually meet up with us.." he said as he lead his troops back to their ship

Wait, what? No massacre? None? But, you set this all up? They’re not even suspicious the guy seems to be under a spell?

Elsewhere, Onxiya was watching and laughing, all of the pieces were coming together...

Well it’s nice to see that that entire plot point was completely pointless! Thanks a lot asshole for wasting my time yet again!


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End of chapter.

Well, the back story of Ashbringer is revealed. But it's origin is a mystery

No it isn’t, you explained the origin! Twice! And then gave away that it’s a star child!

The theory that the crystal is a Naaru is just only one of it's possible origins.

So why’d you bring it up if it’s probably not gonna pan out? You’ve wasted enough of my time already don’t flush more of it down the drain!

I chose the one about the crystal being a Naaru because it makes more sense then the others.

So why not just stick to that origin instead of coming up with several red herrings to confuse your readership?

Anyways, now Naruto has a baby dragon, the discovery of the fox, and the slowly loving care of Hinata. What else is too come?

If your other stuff is any indication Sakura will become a cold hearted bitch who treats Naruto like shit for no reason at all even when he tries to save Sasuke for her. In fact she was manipulating him to do that all along because she’s a bitch.

Seriously, that’s the explanation in his Overlord/Naruto story.

And what kind of trouble could Kirabi get in when he arrives?

Hopefully something more interesting than Prof. Evil, as well something that doesn’t make me wanna tear my eyes outs.

Find out next time.

Animeman2008, signing out

Ja Ne..

-------------

I hate this story, it was first boring, now it’s just fucking confusing. I’m not at all sure what the frig is going on and I don’t care anymore. I’m really struggling to make it funny but it’s just so dull! What am I supposed to do to spice it up? Play Heavy Metal music ad nausea?

Actually, that’s not a bad idea. What’s a song I could use for this chapter? Hmm, well it revealed the sword is actually a starchild that fell to earth? Oh I got it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fS1OryN8UHk

This Song: Officially more exciting than reading this story

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Jul 6 2010, 11:23 AM

[shiroamasa]

Not bad. Your mock was actually more enjoyable than the story.

[Kuramastrassx3]

I got partway through the letter and zoned out. Sorry dude.

You have my respect for making it through this crap.

EDIT: I went back and read the rest of it, just for you.

This is sounding more like an Eragon-Naruto crossover to me, what with all that bullshit about all the races and all the confusing bullshit nobody cares about and all the other bullshit nobody cares about and the magic sword and the dragon!!

Where's Brom? He was actually pretty cool.

This post has been edited by Kuramastrassx3: Jul 6 2010, 11:26 AM

[Lizard-Man]

Well back to this colossal waste of my time. Last we saw of Naruto he groped Hinata in her coma under the guise of healing her, and he got a baby dragon after reading a long drawn out and completely contradictory plot hole filled letter from his dead dad. Now he’s gonna go off to train to be a paladin or something, whatever. As if I could care at this point.

Oh and I looked at the reviews for this thing, apparently no one seems to care that this story is boring as crap and nothing of any interest is happening. But hey, I’m not saying you can’t make these kinds of scenes exciting or at the very least intriguing, I’m just saying this author isn’t accomplishing that task. More importantly no one at all is recognizing the various plot holes and utter wallbangers this story is filled with. Why? Well it seems a good chunk of the folks are Naruto/Hinata shippers and as any shipper is want to do even if the story is crap as long as it supports their pairing it’s golden. I should know I did the same damn thing.

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Naruto: Ashbringer of Konoha

by animeman2008

Ch 5: The Return of the Ninja Paladin

He’s had more training as a paladin than a ninja, isn’t calling him that a bit too soon?

Me: After looking into Majora's Mask, it got me thinking...

That you should go back in time and tell yourself this was a bad idea?

You'll see what I'm talking about later on...

Plus, I'll be throwing in a few non-warcraft stuff...maybe.. specifically for a trio of slackers..

Hey people I can actually relate to a bit.

Also, more recurring OCs will be appearing.

Fuck.

Kyubi has been planned to remain the same way as it is in the original story. Evil, sadistic, malevolent, and sarcastic.

Uh, where’d you get sarcastic from? Seriously I don’t get where folks picked that stuff about the thing, the 9 tails is a demonic destructive asshole that likes to kill things... it’s not very jokey... or sarcastic. In fact I’ve never seen it once act at all very sarcastic.

However, he will not be truely evil.

You just said he would be evil. Make up your mind.

He's a demon, it's just his nature to be that way.

Yeah that’s an excuse I guess. Hey, it’s not Ted Bundy’s fault he murdered folks, it’s just who he was. Buddy even if that were true that doesn’t change the fact it’s a fucking demon that kills things... for fun. That makes him a sociopath, it doesn’t matter if he’s supernatural or not.

He has no plans to escape, for the moment.

He’s working on his novel, it’s gonna take awhile and he needs quiet.

He won't have any ideas about world domination or what not.

So you’ve effectively neutered the Kyubi’s entire motivation and reason to exist... great job on butchering it.

Also, timeskip, this chapter...

Does that mean shit will actually happen for once?

Theme song for the NaruHina in this fic: Can you Feel the Love Tonight...such a beautiful song...

Aww, would you like me to sprinkle some pixie dust and unicorn sparkle farts on the chapter while you’re at it? The more whimsical and adorable you make it the more people will ignore the lack of substance right?

Theme music for fights: Hans Zimmer- Budget Meeting, awesome battle music...

Well I listened to it, it is actually pretty epic. Still I can’t get by that name, seriously Budget meeting? I never knew looking at graphs and diversifying portfolios could be so nail bitingly edge of your seat epic.

On with the story!


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Sunlight streamed through the windows of the Sarutobi residence as Naruto stirred from his sleep.

"Good morning, you sleep well?"asked Ashbringer

Naruto: I had a baby dragon’s horns piercing into my backside how do you think I feel?

"Like a log" replied Naruto

Considering how often you ninjas turn into logs in this franchise half the time I’m not really surprised by that.

He felt a small weight on his lap as he found his new pet baby dragon whelp still asleep on his lap. Hinata was also still asleep, curled right next to him.

That sounds like the aftermath of a very drunken and very strange party. Hope you had a camera.

He gently put the young dragon off his lap and he went down stairs to find the smell of breakfast waiting for him.

He complained about how he had to wake up early for it like a spoiled teenage boarding school brat. Of course if Zandali made it the food will probably be spiked with Mary J., so that won’t last long.

Kurenai had decided to make something for Naruto and co. as she laid the food on the table.

"Cooking's done, stew here!" yelled Zandali as the troll set a pot of some boiling unknown substance on the table.

Uh, I expected special brownies man... not stew.

Kurenai looked at it suggestivly and asked, "What it is?"

"I call it me Mojo Surprise, go ahead taste it." he said

“Hurry up man, we have to get the evidence down in ya befor’ our flight leaves in an hour.” Zan said quickly, nervously looking out the front window for the FDA

Kurenai dipped her finger in it and slowly tasted it, "mmm, this is good, what's the surprise?"

Poison!

"I made it outta the body juices of a red snappah, toad meat, and the best part, the mojo of a murloc."

Well it might as well be poison.

"...what?"

"Testicles, I put murloc testicles in it, gives it alittle wang to it."

Ha ha, it’s funny cause wang means penis.

Kurenai spit the stuff out and ran for the sink to clean her mouth.

"You don't like it? More for me then." said Zandali as he took a spoon and slurped up some of he soup.

Then Selenna came in, "Alright, Mojo Surprise, hand me a bowl!"

You like putting Murloc testicles into your mouth? Your potential hotness level has just dropped to negative 150.

Kurenai just glanced at her, "Do you realize what he has in there?"

"It's better then nothing." she said as Kurenai went back to the sink to throw up.

I think Kurenai has the right idea, nothing is better. I’d rather starve, I’d rather eat dirt. Dirt probably has more nutrient anyways.

Soon, they were joined by Asuma, who Kurenai warned before hand about the soup, same to Hiruzen.

They instead enjoyed a nice dirt pie... with extra worms!

They all enjoyed the usual breakfest, eggs, bacon, alittle bit of rice with egg on top. Anything other then the soup.

And yet the troll and the blood elf eat the stew. Hey Selenna, when there are other options you take them. You take them and you hold onto them. Better than eating a giant monster’s severed balls!

Soon, Naruto came down after a little trip to the bathroom.

Diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you.

He yawned and said good morning to all as he sat down. "Is that soup, can I have some?"

Do you want to poop blood during your next toilet break?

Kurenai, Asuma, and Hiruzen cringed for a sec before Zandali said, "I think you'd like this better wee mon." He passed him a bowl of noodles with chopsticks.

"What is it?"

"I believe it's called ramen around here. I like it, so should you."

“And if ya don’t I’ll kill ya with me bowie knife ya little bastard.” Zan warned

Naruto carefully grabbed the chopsticks, and slowly slurped up the noodles. His eyes lit up with delight as he practically shoved it all down his throat.

"More." he simply demanded

And they gave him more.

"More."

Again, they gave him more.

"MORE!"

After a about a 15 minutes, Naruto had not even touched Kurenai's hard made breakfest.

Before long he was asking for virgin sacrifices covered in Ramen.

"What have I done?" questioned Zandali

Created a character trait my friend, as well as a potential marketing gimmick for Naruto-brand Ramen.

"Nooo! They made you a ramen addict!" shouted Ashbringer

Its better than what Sellly and Zan are into.

Naruto burped a sigh of relief as his hunger was satisfied for now.

But soon, the feast would begin again... and none would be spared.

Everyone was astounded by his huge appetite.

Sarutobi then cleared his throat and asked, "Naruto, I trust you looked into the scroll last night?"

"Yes, and I'm not mad.

“I am amazed at how fucking stupid and incredibly slow my old man was though. How many villagers died while he was writing that long winded load of obvious bullshit by the way?”

I'm just glad to be the son of such a great man."

Yeah great guy, believed his own people were a bunch of ungrateful bigots who he had no respect for, kept valuable artifacts away from their rightful owners and liked to write rambling stupid ass letters while a demon fox destroyed his village. Great guy.

Hiruzen smiled, "Indeed he was. Now then, After we clean up abit, I shall personally escort you to Stormwind."

"For my paladin training?"

Yeah we need to turn you into a self-righteous prick soon before you grow too old and make more reasonable judgements.

"Yes, but we'll have to use normal methods of transportations. I have a carrige arranged for us to take us to the Land of Clouds, we'll go from there to Booty Bay and then to Stormwind."

After we take a pit stop near the giant ball of yarn of course.

"Mind if we tag along mon?

Considering you’re supposed to be the boy protector as per your community service for attacking and killing a bunch of elves I don’t see why you’d have a choice in the matter.

I got me some family I wanna meet in Stranglethorn Vale, Booty Bay's only one stop away from there." asked Zandali

"Same, anywhere this guy goes, I go." said Selenna

Selly: I am his bitch after all.

"Very well, pack what you need, we'll be leaving soon." said Hiruzen

Zandali finished up his soup and left to pack his various items with Selenna.

As for Naruto, he didn't have much, save for the clothes on his back.

Poor sucker, can’t even put one of them funny Hobo Stick Sacks on his shoulder.


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Guest room...

Hinata stirred in her sleep as the sunlight streamed through the windows.

She rose from the sheets and yawned. Near her thigh was the small red baby dragon Naruto had recieved last night.

A very awkward situation no doubt, one shared by many a woman.

She then noticed the vacant spot to her right. Naruto must have gone to eat breakfast.

She rubbed the sleep outta her eyes and slowly got out of bed, not to disturb the dragon.

A skill she’ll need to learn later in life when she starts working for money on the streets.

But it woke up anyways due to Naruto entering the room.

"Oi, good morning Hinata-chan." said Naruto

“I’ve suddenly developed a stereotypical Australian accent! Dingo! Wallaby! Crickey! Shrimp on the Barbie!”

as he quickly started packing his clothing.

"Good morning...dragon." said Naruto as he petted the tiny dragon. It purred in response.

So dragons are closely related to cats then?

He had yet to come up with a name for it. Plus, he didn't know if it was a male or female.

Either way he wanted to name it something cool like Bloodsporker or Spineripper! I know if I had a dragon I’d call it Colonel Inferno.

Silently, Ashbringer asked, "What, your not gonna talk to him?"

"I'll speak when I want to." said the whelp

Like when he’s on the toilet, that will freak him the fuck out. Should be hilarious. Especially when he cracks his skull slipping on the tiled floor.

"G-good morning Naruto-kun...um, Naruto-kun.." she started to say but she seemed alittle shy about saying whatever it was.

You know, like every other conversation she’s ever been involved in.

Naruto noticed this and just stared at her with a blank look on his face. Just his glance was enough to make her face turn redder, but she still had to say it.

This is gonna be more nauseatingly sugary sweet than those caramel and chocolate coated marshmallows on a stick with candy sprinkles that was shaped to look like a Cheshire Cat’s tail.

Wait no, I actually enjoyed that disgustingly delicious stuff and ate it by choice. This is a fucking Naru/Hina scene, it’s practically the flipside of the same coin.

"Uh..uh..T-thank you for healing me last night. That was very generous of you.." she said.

Hinata: But did you have to slap my titties around too? That just seemed unnecessary.

Naruto smiled, "It's no problem at all Hinata-chan" His face then grimed abit, "However, please tell me, how did you get that nasty bruise?"

She got carried away in the bathroom while she was masturbating to your picture.

Her face became sad as she tried to recall what exactly happened.

"I don't know, after you left, I was playing with another friend of mine, my cousin was sitting nearby watching me. I don't know why, but he just got upset at me and struck me.

Neji hits so strong he can apparently make people give confusing contradictory sentences where they first say they don’t know what happened and then explain exactly what happened. Said effects can even last long after the wounds are healed.

Neji... douche badass.

I don't what came over him. But...his father did die recently, that may contribute to his anger, but why me?" she said as she slumped back into bed while sobs were starting to be heard.

Cause Neji has to keep his pimp hand strong and none of his hoes were around so he figured you were the next best thing.

Hey, it’s a better reason then what the author will come up with inevitably.

"Hinata-chan?"

"I'm worried Naruto-kun, what if he kills me next time?

It’s okay Hinata, I’m sure Naruto’s ghoul friends will resurrect you to serve their evil queen. Don’t worry, Naruto will somehow rationalize such an act as perfectly fine and not a total abomination of the laws of nature so you can still jump his bones.

I may be the heir to my clan, but I'm not a strong fighter, my father told me so. He said I was worthless, nothing more then the runt of the clan, and...I'm starting to think he's right...*Sob*" she said as she wiped her tears.

Awwww, don’t be sad Hinata. You still have legions of obsessive fanboys who love you unconditionally to the point of being extremely fucking creepy. That’s... something I guess.

Awhile back, in his dreams, Ashbringer fed Naruto information about the clans that lived in Konoha.

Oh look another bit of information that were weren’t aware of until now and suddenly is imparted to us at random for no fucking reason.

Animeman! Ass-Pull Writer of the year!

The Hyuga clan was said to have the most powerful taijutsu techniques in Konoha. It was understandable that an attack from the Jyuken (Gentle Fist), even a small one like Neji used, was enough to cause serious bodily damage.

It’s the equivalent of punching someone in the soul to say the least.

"What's your father and cousin's name?"

"Neji and Hiashi Hyuga."

"Ashbringer, remind me to look up this Neji's background when we get back." said Naruto

Which won’t be for several years wherein the intermediate time Hinata could be killed by Neji anyway and any such information gleamed would be useless in protecting her from him. Great plan dumbass, I guess you could have always confronted the bastard and warned him to leave Hinata alone by slinging out your fucking magic sword at him, but hey it’s okay, leave Hinata alone and unprotected till ya come back with no way to keep Neji at bay whatsoever. Hell don’t even leave the baby dragon with her as a protector It’s just like leaving a two year old with a pedophile! GENIUS!

"Can do, now, shall we go?" asked the sword spirit.

Ashbringer: This bullshit shipping crap is getting on my nerves.

"Hinata-chan" said Naruto as he grabbed her hand, her face turned red with embarrassment, "I promise I'll find out why he did it.

Have fun trying to survive his next attack on your baby maker without Naruto’s mystical healing powers till then though.

In the meantime, promise me this. Don't ever think of yourself that way, you are strong. Never let anyone tell you otherwise."

Hinata gasped at his words, they filled her with a strange feeling in her heart,

She suddenly realised though that was just heartburn from the chicken fajitas last night.

as if she was more then what her father claimed her to be. All those negative emotions just went away.

She smiled and said, "Ok Naruto-kun, I promise...for you..."

DAWWWWWWWW! Ain’t that adorable? Doesn’t that make you think of puking rainbows?

Naruto flashed her his trademark foxy smile,

He then stuck a knife to her mouth and asked her “Why so serious?”

"Good, now, if you'll excuse me, I have to leave."

"To where?"

A pink and blue unicorn are taking him to candy mountain.

"I'm off for training, for...well, your my friend, I can trust you." said Naruto as Ashbringer suddenly appeared in his hand. Hinata gasped at the sight of the majestic sword, err, knife in his hand.

Too easy, next.

"It's beautiful..." she said as she touched it, feeling the smooth metal blade. It wasn't rough or too slick, but smooth and somewhat warm to touch.

Way too fucking easy! You’re practically begging for me to make a damn dick joke!

"Thank you."

"AHH!" she screamed as she pulled her hand away from the dagger.

Naruto seemed just as suprised as she was.

"Did I forget to mention who ever touches me can hear my voice so long as they have physical contact with me?"

Did I forget to mention that this story is just one huge ass-pull after another? Oh I did? Well, just felt it should be reiterated.

"Yes."

"Sorry, didn't mean to scare her."

Ashbringer: I did mean to stab her though.

"Naruto-kun, who was that?" asked Hinata

Naruto scratched his head to come up with an explanation, but decided to come out with it,

Naruto: It was the magic leprechaun that tells me to burn things.

"She is the spirit that lives inside this sword, err, dagger."

Okay, that is true but how is that any better?

"Stop calling me that." said Ashbringer

"A spirit? Oh my, I didn't know such a thing was possible." she said

"It is. This dagger is very important Hinata-chan. I have been gifted with a weapon of great power. That is why I must leave. To train and learn how to use it's power."

“And then I shall be the only highlander!”

said Naruto as the dagger seemed to give him a heroic presence, aleast in Hinata's opinion.

Hinata’s opinion doesn’t count for jack. Naruto could take a big ass dump on the ground and she’d say it was amazing.

She smiled as she held his hand, "I know you can Naruto-kun, I believe in you."

Naruto's face went red as he rubbed his head.

Can’t you feel the love? Can’t you? It’s been forced down your throat why can’t you feel it!?!


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Meanwhile, inside Naruto's head...

A horrifying place to be no doubt.

The spirit of Ashbringer was going gaga over the interactions between these two. They were absolutely made for each other!

Well if you like stupid love at first sight cliché bullshit yeah sure, why not.

She was sighing with hearts in her eyes, "So Kawaii..."

Thak you for sharing more stupid Japanese slang terms. They’re not annoying at all.

"He should just mate with her and get it over with."

My opinion as applied to this story. If you’re gonna make this boring as romance even more obvious and boring as fuck just have them fuck each other already. You’re prolonging my torture.[/b

"So your awake Mr. Kyubi?" asked Ashbringer as she looked behind her to find the cage with the eyes of the fox leering out, watching the whole thing as well.

[b]Eww, why can’t we see his hands?!

"I don't get why you females get so gaga over little actions of affection such as this. It's not that cute.

Holy crap... my thoughts exactly again. So far the Kyubi is the only character making sense! Not very sarcastic sounding though.

All he has to do is mate with her, give birth to a new offspring, then move on. Always worked for me." said the demon fox.

I did not know demons reproduced... especially demons who are supposed to be one of a kind like the nine tails

"An all powerful demon lord and yet the concept of love is so alien to you? How sad..."

Not really, nor is it that surprising. He’s a demon, why should the concept be familiar to him period.

"Shut up you little firefly, or I'll snuff you out faster then a fat kid eats chocolate!" yelled the Fox, rattling it's cage.

"Oh I'm so scared! The big mean Kyubi's gonna snuff me out! I'm shaking with fear...not."

The level of insults between these two is incredibly poor

"THAT'S IT! Let me out of this freaking cage so I can kill you! Grrrr! I HATE YOU FOURTH! OF ALL THE PLACES YOU SEALED ME IN, YOU CHOSE YOUR OWN SON! I rather be sealed in a cow's stomach and watch grass be disgested then spend another minute here!" yelled the Kyubi as it banged it's head on the walls over and over again.

Hey wait, that’s a good question, why not seal him in a damn cow? Why is the Kyubi the only thing in this fanfic so far that I see eye to eye with?

"Get use to it. I kinda like it here. Then again, I'm not sealed in a cage by a little scarp of paper, am I?"

"...I dislike you with great intensity..." said the Fox before it hit it's head on the wall again.

So far the Kyubi is batting four for four. This keeps up I may just decide he’s me. Hey, this author can self-insert himself into this shit with Naruto, why can’t I do it with the Kyubi?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back outside Naruto's mind..

Which is also a horrifying place to be.

"Naruto, are you ready?" called Sarutobi from downstairs.

"Just about Oji-san!" called out Naruto

Sarutobi: Well hurry up, this goat ain’t gonna sacrifice itself now is it?

He faced Hinata and said, "Well, I guess this is goodbye for now then.."

To his surprise, she hugged him, tightly with her tiny arms wrapped around him.

Her returned her hug and smiled, " I promise I'll come back Hinata-chan, so, good-"

"Naruto-kun...let's not say goodbye." she said.



He smiled, "Alright, but really, I gotta go, so if you could let me go now..."

“Just a second.” Hinata told him as she desperately tried to stick her hand down his pants to both steal his underwear and touch his penis.

Hinata's face went beet red as she let go of him.

He grabbed his bag and cast one look back at her before he left, down the stairs.

He then tripped, fell and shattered his spine in several places. Looks like he ain’t going nowhere fast.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few hours later...

From Booty Bay to Stormwind, Naruto went separate ways with Nene, Zandali, Selenna, and the Hokage.

Goodbye! See ya guys! I look forward to never seeing any of you losers ever again in this story! You’re the lucky ones! Except Sarutobi who is still trapped in this load of shit fanfic! I’m sorry you’ll never appear in another fanfic ever again!

Before they left, they each gave Naruto a gift. Nene gave Naruto a new set of throwing stars, or Shuriken as he called them, to practice with.

Nene was later charged with giving a dangerous weapon to a minor when Naruto sliced his eye open by accident.

Zandali gave him a totem he made, said it'd bring him good luck.

Naruto didn’t really want it, but Zan stuck it in his hand and then asked him for money.

Selenna gave Naruto a holy talisman. She said it'd protect him.

Naruto would later rush into the next dungeon screaming his name while his party was in the middle of discussing strategy. They were all slaughtered. Hey Selly never said anything about the people around him.

Sarutobi gave Naruto scrolls of ninjutsu, taijutsu, and genjutsu to practice with. If he wanted to surpass his father, he'll not only need to be a great paladin, but a great ninja as well.

Considering what we’ve been told of his dad’s accomplishments I highly doubt it will be that hard.

So soon, he reached Stormwind, the Hokage personally made sure he was taken in by the guards.

And into the back room for what they claimed were a whole freezer full of popsicles.

Now, the story can truely begin...

Does that mean its all uphill from here?

...

Have you been paying attention to this story? What do you think?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

7 years later...

Baring six months and three weeks

The gates of Konoha came into view as a great Kodo beast came to a stop.

"This be the place mon?"

No, the medicinal plantation is still about a three hour hike from here. Sorry bud, but this place does sell some killer shrooms.

A blond headed boy jumped off the Kodo. He wore bright mail armor, mostly commonly seen being worn by the guards in Stormwind.

No doubt said armour is bright orange and stupid looking. Considering how most of WoW’s armour looks like that probably shouldn't be a surprise though.

Minus the helm and shoulder pads, it was clear he hailed from Stormwind...aleast to those who lived there. at his side was a red dragon the size of small horse.

My little dragon! My little dragon! He burns down villages and hoards lots of gold!

"Yes, this is it Kelya, this is Konoha." said Naruto, now 12 years of age.

Henceforth he shall be called Naruto Uzumaki Age 12

So much had happened to him in these past 7 years. He had made so many new friends. They even desired to travel with him.

His friends had low standards and were stupid like that.

On the Kodo was an old Orc, with a black beard with a sliver of silver on it. His intimating presence only hid the true person that he was. He wore no shirt, his green skin served as a fine coat, but he wore dusty leather pants and steel bracers on his arms. He also had a bag full of books.

He’s Belle and Beast’s illegitimate and freakish looking son!

"It truely has a beauty to rival Mulgore.

Yeah that place sounds like a regular Manhattan for sure. Mulgore, yeah definetly doesn’t bring up images of a mutilated pig’s carcass.

I think I'd live here if I can get another home." said Brom the Orc scholar.

Nah, you’d probably get chased out within seconds. Now if you were a zombie...

At his side was a younger 14 year old female half breed. She looked like a cross between a troll and an orc,

Considering how WoW Trolls and Orc females look, that’s probably the ugliest crossbreed ever conceived. Thank you for that.

but she spoke in the heavy accent of her troll heritage. Her skin was a light greenish color with a brown mark that was across her bluish eyes, almost like a mask. Her clothing was somewhat skimpy, but decent enough to be out in public.

It still made grown men of every race puke as they saw her horrible misshapen body as she walked around jiggling her backside at passersby who- AHHHH! My eyes are bleeding just talking about it!

It was a simple robe to cover her legs and a small tanktop. In her hands was a black staff with a ruby jewel at the end. She was also a skilled priest.

Informed abilities, you have to show she’s a good priest not just say she is one cause she’s got a ruby staff, that’s- Wait a second!



BENNY! He stole another character from “Looking for Group”! Seriously? Is he fucking serious? I mean sure, Benny’s ain’t ugly, but still the damn character description practically matches word for word! She even has the same damn staff!

"Brom, have yah forgotten? We have no home.

You should’ve paid your mortgage.

And even If we did get a new one, Dick would just burn it down...again" she said

"I fondly remember that, so many good times." said a hollow and sinister voice. It belonged to another member of this unusual party. A forsaken warlock, in a black clothing attire, but he specialized in Destruction magic, were as most other warlocks, such as Associate Professor Evil, commonly specialize in Demonology, the study and understanding of demons.

He however flunked out of that course when he summoned the demon of petunias into class instead of Samael.

This was Dick the warlock.

Oh you mean like Dick as in short for Richard? This is second time you’ve ripped that character off! The second time! In the same fucking fanfic!

The reason for his obscure name was he didn't remember his real name in life. Alot of other Forsaken called him 'Dick' for his psychopathic bloodthirsty homicidal maniacal personality, who willfully sowed destruction without any provocation whatsoever. He liked it and decided it'd be his name.

Just like Richard from “Looking for Group”, oh and it’s so nice that Naruto is so accepting and understanding of the plight of the poor zombies like Dick who have to suffer a life of blind pure mindless destruction that they enjoy so readily.

Honestly pal, the fuck do you take your audience for? You spend an entire chapter TRYING in vain to convince us the Forsaken ain’t all bad then you throw in this jackass ripoff who you admit right off the bat is a sociopath who enjoys mindless destruction to the point his own people think he’s an asshole! You think we’re stupid or something?

The only reason he was with Naruto was out of sheer boredom.

Again, just like Richard in Looking for Group. Good lord man you’re such a fucking hack.

As the holder of Ashbringer, Naruto presented Dick with an opportunity to kill things. And he REALLY loved to kill things. He did Kill Naruto once, but he was generous enough in his black heart to gather up Naruto's ashes and give them to a priest to revive him.



Are you honest to god telling me, that Naruto was KILLED by this asshole, was revived by him, and Naruto still lets the fucker hang around him? Are you fucking serious? I don’t care if he revived me, I wouldn’t want this sociopathic fuckwit near me! And how the fuck did he kill Naruto? Oh let me guess his oath not to kill the Forsaken got him offed didn’t it. Oh yeah, that’s just super. Thanks for confirming my suspicion that promise would come back to bite him and yet he still acts like an oblivious idiot! This story is fucking retarded!

"Stop it Dick, or I'll shrink you again." said a red haired boy wearing goggles. This was Axel,

Kingdom Hearts now huh? You know what? Fuck it, I don’t care. Go ahead, steal characters from other franchises, I don’t fucking care.

a 17 year old boy who grew up with his parents killed by black dragons. He since then harbored a hatred for all black dragons.

Oh that’s not fair Axel, Black Dragons didn’t have choice to be Black Dragons, it’s not their fault they go around murdering people. They’re just misunderstood, like the Forsaken who pull the same kind of shit the Black Dragons do. Ain’t that right Naruto? Tell Axel to stop hating on creatures that are different, go ahead, tell him.

Does this author realise how much total bullshit this fucking story is?

He didn't relay on magic or physical strength to win a fight. He was an engineer who used his unusual gizmos and gadgets to win a fight, which was how he managed to beat Dick once.

A clear voice laughed, a night elf who wore a cloak, but this cloak was a dull green, and he had it closed. The cloak's hood was pulled over his head, throwing his eyes into shadow. You could see the lower part of his face, which suggested the figure was a boy, a teenager of about sixteen years of age. The cloak ended about mid calf, and showed a pair of leather cloth boots. On his back, over the cloak, was a quiver and a longbow, of night elf design.

Ah the Generic Elf party member stereotype I presume? Every lame ass fantasy story has to have one.

"I'll never forget that, that was truely the funniest thing I ever saw. I could have punted him all the way to the moon!" said Elroth

It would’ve been one small kick for an elf, one giant leap for zombie kind.

"indeed my friend, twas truly a rare sight, a warlock reduced to the size of mouse, chapapa." said another member. His name was Chen Ling-xu. Red chinese clothing covered his body as a friendly ursine face stared out from underneath a strawhat. In his left hand was a bamboo staff, in the other, a keg of ale.

Along with Mao’s Little Red Book and a copy of the People’s Manifesto

He was a panderan, a race of humanoid panda people that lived in a remote and secret island in the sea, Pandria. To meet a pandarean was rare, to befriend a pandaren as Naruto did was even rarer still.

So for seven years Naruto, a mere child, has been wandering around the globe and has somehow managed to gather a party together because, why, he has the Ashbringer? I don’t see Naruto as much of a Party Leader, especially not at that stage in his life. Oh but wait, I forget, his time with the elves and the fact he has a fucking sword in his body have given him amazing Sue powers! My mistake, continue with your shitty story good sir.

"You two would be wise not arouse my anger." said Dick as his hands became alight with fire. A blast of light from Keyla chopped them off.

Lame Joke Alert!

Looks like Dick could use a HAND! HA HA! Oh classic... please kill me.

"Until you behave, I'm keeping these." she said as she put the hands in a bag.

Zombie hands make a great accessory.

Dick grumbled as the party made it's way to the gates of Konoha.

The guards stopped them before Naruto flashed them the Hokage's seal of approval, who gave it to him awhile back.

The let him and his friends pass, but kept a sharp eye on them, specifically the warlock, who flipped them off...with his foot since he was missing his hands.

That’s... not possible at all... period. Even if it was it wouldn’t make any sense. Learn anatomy fuckwit.

Many of the civilians were frozen in amazement and anger.

Kinda like a lot of people when they watch Glenn Beck.

Many recognized the blond haired jinchuriki, and were angry that the guards had let him in. Others were paying more attention to his traveling companions.

Many of them thought they had seen at least two of them in a popular web comic series.

"Feels weird being stared at, I'm not use to all this attention." said Axel

Someone thinks a bit too much of himself. You’re the most normal looking person there, I really doubt they’re looking at you.

"If Keyla could give me my hands back, I'd tear out their eyes for you." said Dick

Knowing the Hokage he’d do nothing about it, you being a Zombie and all.


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Hokage's Office...

Sarutobi was locked in battle with a terrible foe...paperwork.

It had killed his brother and raped his sister. He would not let this scourge hound him anymore! Their long, suffering battle would end! One would stand and one would fall!

How he hated it. Just when he thought he was done, the council gave him more.

"I swear Danzo just's doing this to irk me...well it's working." he thought.

Saurtobi: Look I know he wants to kill me, but can’t he cut to the chase and just try and poison me? Working me to death is just so inefficient.

An attendent came in, "Sarutobi-sama, you have visitors."

Sarutobi sighed as he got up from his chair, "Enter." he said in a calm voice.

He looked down at the paperwork in a fury.

“Your time will come, but it is not today old foe. I will have revenge.”

For a second, he thought the ghost of Minato had come back to say hi,

It happened every Tuesday, it was getting really annoying. He didn’t even wanna talk about the time the ectoplasmic jerk crashed on his couch for six days cause his wife and him were apparently having Afterlife Marital troubles. Till death do us part my ass.

but it turned out to be someone else.

A Time Travelling Cyborg Abe Lincoln with a lightsaber.

"Ahh, Naruto-kun!" he said with a smile

"Oji-san!" yelled Naruto as he hugged the old man.

"Ahh, it fills these old bones with happiness to see you again!"

“Along with some other emotions that feel weird and somewhat strangely perverse.”

said the old man as he patted Naruto's head,

Sarutobi: By the way, you like Popsicles?

before he took notice of his armor.

"Oh my, look at you, you look like a true paladin!" said Hiruzen as he admired Naruto's armor. It truely fit a paladin such as him.

You don’t even know how good he is! How can you tell it suits him?

"Thanks Oji-san. But I'm nowhere near as powerful as my teacher was." said Naruto as he rubbed the back of his head.

"I expect you practiced your ninjutsu as well?" asked the Hokage with a sly look in his eye.

Naruto: Oh that’s what those scrolls were for? I thought they were toilet paper, not homework.

Naruto grinned as he made handsigns, "Kage Bushin no Jutsu!"

A loud POOF was heard and a second Naruto was standing in the room.

The kage bushin waved and poofed back into oblivion.

His screaming utter torment forever silent to the world.

"Hmm, not bad, how many can you make?" asked Sarutobi

Naruto was locked in a train of thought before he said, "Around 2,345."

Sarutobi nearly choked on his own spit, such a number of kage bushins was untold,

Especially when one considers Naruto only got that powerful by learning a Jutsu from a forbidden scroll! So unless Sarutobi gave that damn thing to him, which I doubt he did, this doesn’t make sense at all.

but then again, this was Naruto he was talking about.. It either had to contribute to the Kyubi or the Ashbringer.

"*Cough* Naruto, about the 'sword'...is it safe?" he asked while holding up a dentist drill and sticking a light into Naruto’s eyes..

Naruto grinned as he said, "Ask her yourself." The sword appeared in hands, but it was no longer the pocketknife from before. It was the same length as the average katana, and as thin.

Just as sharp too, as Sarutobi’s gut could attest to once the sword extended.

But the sword never looked more beautiful. The floating jewel in the missing gape of the blunt edge of the sword was in the shape of a spiral.

Without warning, the sword burst into light and a humanoid shape, a small white haired girl wearing a simple white dress, but was most striking were her eyes, they were a glowing blue color.

Sarutobi gasped, "Is...is she...?"

"Yes, this is the spirit of the Ashbringer. Say hello" he said to the little spirit.

The young girl curtsied and said in a clear and beautiful voice, "Hello Sarutobi-sama, it's an honor to meet you in the flesh."

I thought that only worked if you touched the damn sword? You know, it’s official, you’re making this sword’s powers up as you go. I throw up my hands now; I give up, whatever bullshit power you come up with next for this damn weapon I don’t care anymore. I just don’t.

Sarutobi was at aloss of words.

As am I at this incredibly lazy ass writing.

This little girl was just so...cute! She was so cute...it was frightening.

I want to strangle this fucking story to death so much it’s frightening. Especially now more so than ever.

"I can say the same, but I never expected Naruto to achieve this level of control over your power."

Well he’s been practicing. Stormwind has an awesome Red Light district and wi-fi access to the internet.

"He's barely at the first stage of my power. He still has room to improve." she said, "Now I must return to sword form, human form still kinda tires me out..."

And with a flash, Ashbringer returned to sword form.

Don’t you wanna tell us how fucking cute it was or something? Ya sugar blasted worthless excuse for a narrator?

Sarutobi sighed as he smiled at Naruto, "I can see your turning out into a fine young man Naruto. Now, on to other matters. I assume you've yet to rent an apartment here, am I right?"

Naruto: I don’t know, I figured I could just live in the local Junkyard and sleep on a mattress.

"No, I was kinda wondering if you could-"

"Say no more Naruto, I think it's fitting," he pulled out a envelope with the Namikaze seal on it, "for you to live in the home of your parents."

You may need to hire an exterminator to fumigate though. The place is crawling with termites and shit.

Naruto's face grew with glee as he grabbed the envelope, "My parent's..er, my home?"

"It's a little outside the village, but the view is fantastic. It's all yours but on one condition..."

"And that would be?"

Sarutobi: Well you’d have to come down to my cellar where I keep all my delicious upside down ice cream cones before I tell you.

"I would like you to enroll in the local shinobi academy. Those Civilian councilmen will do what they can to expel you out of the village. They can't do that unless your a ninja Naruto." said Sarutobi

You know it’s looking more and more like the Hokage has absolutely no power over anybody period. So what the fuck is the point of this position anyway?

"So in order for me to stay, I have to become an official shinobi of Konoha." said Naruto

"Yes, but I'm certain you can handle the academy."

You’re a friggin Golden Boy Marty Stu after all, shouldn’t be hard.

"Off course Oji-san. Sign me up and I'll pass, and Oji-san...thank for giving me my pop's home." said Naruto

Sarutobi: Ha ha! Call him Onji-San one more fucking time ya little brat and I’ll rip out your vocal chords.

Sarutobi smiled, "Another thing...try to keep your new friends outta trouble. The villagers don't take to kindly to people from the other continents.

“One zombie kills three drunken ninjas in the street and suddenly everyone gets all pissy and shit. God! I’m the Hokage for god’s sake Ik got no time for that crap.”

Also, the council will want to speak with you. I'd use it as an oppurtunity to show you are no threat to the village. Make sure to introduce them as well, but keep them in line during the meeting."

Oh yes, bring the violent as fuck zombie who killed you once and the other heavily armed foreigners into the paranoid and constantly derided council chambers why don’t ya. I don’t see ANYTHING that could possibly go wrong.

Naruto's face then got serious,



"Oji-san, I would also like to talk to the council about the events beyond the elemental countries, they are of great importance." said Naruto.

Naruto: The Reapers are coming to exterminate all life in the Galaxy!

Before Sarutobi could respond, a large explosion was heard and shook the building, Naruto then said, "Cuz me." and then he ran out the door.

Sarutobi chuckled, Naruto's group of friend reminded him of the ones Minato had.

Sarutobi: Ha ha! Oh people are potentially injured, dead or dying from that explosion! That’s hilarious! What a bunch of little scamps they are.

Seriously shut the fuck up author, you’re an idiot.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Konoha village...

"NO!NO!" screamed a man as Dick held him in his hand, ready to slay him.

"Dick, what's your excuse now?" asked Naruto as he jumped onto the scene.

"I was hungry and this idiot tried to rip me off! 5 gold for a loaf of bread? I ask you, what is this world coming to?" said Dick.

Yes this dangerous, unruly and murderous fuckwit is completely reliable and doesn’t at all clash with Naruto's pro-zombie beliefs.

Fuck this story in the neck.

"No excuse to kill him, put him down, NOW."

"I never get to have any fun." said Dick as he flung the man over his shoulder.

Man: MY SPINE!

"If your quite done, let's get the others together, I just got a new home...and no, you can't burn it down."

"Damn."

They never got there though because the village security forces immediately descended upon them both like the hammer of fucking god and carted Dick away to jail for destroying public property and attempting to murder someone. Oh wait that doesn’t happen cause this story is fucking stupid!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Namikaze Estates...

As the group entered through the gates, they saw the house, or rather, manor.

Later Naruto would go to Gringotts to properly transfer all his parent’s funds into his own account.

It was big enough with enough rooms for all of Naruto's new friends.

Convenient, suspiciously so. Also this brings up several plot holes, like who was maintaining the upkeep of this place for so long? Has anybody been living in it since it was abandoned several fucking years ago after his death? Why is Naruto’s dad suddenly a rich motherfucker? Did he build this house with village funds? Since when is there a suburb in Konoha? Seriously this is stupid. At the very least you could’ve said that Sarutobi built the house in preparation for Naruto’s arrival, but oh no, suddenly in turns out that Naruto gets to live like Richie Rich! Further making it impossible for me to identify with his character.

"By the gods, we're gonna live here?" asked Elroth as Chen stared in amazement.

No you get to live in the woodshed with the rest of the house staff.

"Yup, this here is my father's home. It's ours now." said Naruto

Naruto: Let’s invite everybody over and trash the place!

"I call dibs on the basement." said Dick as he ran towards the house to claim his room.

Soon, the whole group ran in to make claims and what not. Naruto chuckled as he took his time to study the whole place.

The garden looked like an excellent place to practice taijutsu, it had a zen garden as well as a small koi pond. Flowers of different varieties surrounded it.

Like man eating venus fly traps. The Fourth Hokage was really into genetics.

There was also a swimming pool in the back with a hot tub, a really big pool.

Henceforth now dubbed the Grotto.

He entered the manor to find the entrance hall to be quite spacious, with various pictures of his parents and people he didn't know.

These soon began to stretch upwards as an evil voice informed him this chamber had no windows or doors.

There was a large living room with four different chairs and sofas, as well as a mechanical box, something he'd didn't know about.

He also found a study with a secret switch that led down into a batcave.

A large kitchen was filled with a varity of spices and foods, as well a instant cups of ramen.

Enough to last you through the apocalypse... all purchased at Wal-Mart!

Chen was in the kitchen admiring all the ingredients.

The twelve year old no doubt spoiled by now ingredients. Unless someone has actually been doing grocery shopping for the now dead owners for that length of time.

"Look at all this! I can make 12 different kinds of ale with these ingredients chapapa."

Too bad you don’t have a distillery ya dumb drunken fuck. That’s okay, you can always make your own moonshine brewery in the garage.

he said as he grabbed a few and examined them, until he discovered Minato's private stock of sake and ale. He grabbed one and check the date, "1451 a.d. a fine year, chapapa."

Wait, do the Narutoverse and Azeroth follow our system of time? This doesn’t make sense. And how can they have AD? They’re not Christian, that concept shouldn’t exist.

Naruto had known Chen to be a lover of ale and sake, but also an excellent cook. He was always in a good mood. It was part of the Pandaren way of life. Always live life with a smile. Be the water that flows around the rock, not against it.

This lifestyle of passiveness however made them all incredibly insecure and timid making sex awkward up to the point trained handlers had to force them to get it on or risk the species dying off out of abstinence.

Naruto moved on to find several bedrooms up stairs and downstairs, and a library. Brom, always one to love books, was looking at the archieves of books.

He eventually found the Fourth’s porn stash.

"Your father must have been as much as a lover of books as I am, I didn't even know this one existed anymore!" said the Orc

Orc: Yes, this non-descript book whose name shall not be mentioned! I never thought I’d see such a rare copy of this book right here whose name I will not say! I will continue to tell people about things and not properly inform them about what the fuck is going on!

as he grabbed a few books to look at. Despite his huge and powerful hands, Old Brom was always careful with books.

Now chicken necks and spines, that was different.

Again, Naruto moved on to find Keyla already unpacking in a room that looked like it was well suited for a woman.

Let me guess it was pink and had all the necessary supplies in order to make sandwiches?

"This room is beautiful! I love it!" she said as she plopped herself on the bed, enjoying the soft feeling of the cushions.

Naruto just sighed. Keyla was always one to love the comforts of life. She grew up an orphan, like him, but also like him, she was

A complete and total idiot who walks off with undead strangers?

raised by an adoptive father. Brom had kinda spoiled her, but when you live with a guy like Brom, you tend to learn to behave properly, real fast.

Cause Brom doesn’t hesitate to beat you within an inch of your life. Especially if you forget which fork is suppose to be used to eat the salad.

Elroth had called claim to a another room that was outside. It was a hollowed out tree, an old treehouse Minato must have built for Naruto,

He hadn’t built it very well though as OSHA had condemned it.

but now it served as Elroth's room.

How wonderfully stereotypical of the tree hugging hippie elf! Maybe he’ll start making cookies for us. Must be cramped like a sardine can in there though, dumbass.

Axel claimed the a tool shed for his own uses. The young engineer found that it contained everything he needed for his experiments.

Two days later and an explosion would level the shack and take off all of Axel’s limbs. Giving him the nickname Torso Boy.

However, everyone in the group left the biggest room for Naruto.

Greedy fucking bastard.

It was his father's old bedroom. Already, his red dragon companion was asleep on the king size bed.

"Making yourself comfortable, Bahamut?" asked Naruto.

Dragon: Shut it bitch, this my house now, sleep outside mutherfucker!

The dragon opened an eye in a clear male voice said, "Oh yes, but as soon as I shed my skin again, I'll probably have to sleep outside."

Well, at least reptile skin is easier to pick up then kitten hair.

Naruto petted his friend on the head as he felt at peace in the home of his parents.

"NARUTO! DICK SET THE BASEMENT ON FIRE!" yelled Keyla

"SORRY!" cried Dick

HA HA! Oh Dick, everything he touches burns! HA HA! He tried to kill somebody a few hours ago.

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Nov 28 2010, 03:01 PM

[Lizard-Man]

Few days later...

The manor was completely destroyed by Naruto’s stupid as doorknobs friends.

The city council surrounded the group that had recently came into Konoha.

Hopefully to pelt them to death with stones.

The civilian council members eyed the new comers with distrust.

Blowing up a store front will do that.

They were well aware of the outside races beyond the shinobi countries.

They also were aware of their incessant need to trash talk and “Pwn Noobs” as it were. They didn’t understand what that meant but they figured it was something annoying as fuck.

They especially did not like the look of the warlock, the maniacal look in his eyes was just frighting.

Hey I like these assholes already, they actually realise there’s a dangerous brain eating zombie prancing around their village and are concerned.

Sarutobi sat at the top of these members in a big chair with Koharu and Homura at his sides.

He was determined to show these people that he wasn’t soft on zombies and wipe that stain from his record for good.

Danzo sat in another corner, silently regretting not killing this boy when he was just a baby. His fascism ideals however may benefit the return of this boy.

You know it’s bad when Danzo is the only person in-character.

"You outta kill these humans for looking down upon your servants and you like that. I say you enslave the men and rape the women, then sell them." whispered The Kyubi no Kitsune in Naruto's head.

A sound strategy to be sure. But how much XP would we get? By the way that sounded SOOOO sarcastic.

"Their not servants Kyubi, their my friends. Geez, is everything with you have to be about destruction and the 'beast with two backs'?" thought Naruto

"You know me all too well gaki."

An audible BONK was heard as Ashbringer hit the Fox over the head with a bat, sending him back into dreamland.

Whoever thought the Kyubi could be subdued by slapstick comedy.

"Don't worry about him, just get on with this meeting." said Ashbringer, no longer keeping her polite girl illusion she used on the Hokage. She can be nice and polite...when she wants to.

So in truth she’s actually a two-faced bitch. Lovely.

"We are gathered here to hear the tales of Naruto's adventure beyond the Elemental countries." said Sarutobi

Everyone settled in for a long boring exposition scene. Knowing this was the Fourth’s son though they expected nothing less, if his long-ass letters weren’t indication enough.

"Indeed, we are curious to hear how much the world beyond the Land Of Shinobi has changed, please young one, tell us of what you know." asked an old council Hyuga member.

Surprisingly polite for a Hyuga. I call Skrull on that one!

Naruto started off with his arrival to Stormwind. He then spoke about the fact that Stormwind was currently missing it's king, King Varian Wrynn, had gone missing and that his son was now the current king in his absence. He then retold his first six months of hard training under a senior paladin and developing his skills.

The elders realised by this point they should’ve gotten snacks.

He also told them of the Defias Brotherhood, a gang of bandits and ex-shinobi that plagued Stormwind and it's surrounding villages like locusts.

So they ate the crops every summer at the behest of Moses?

He then told them of some sort of conspiracy within the royalties of Stormwind, mostly centering around Lady Katrana Prestor, the advisor to the child king.

It wasn’t hard to figure out considering she did a very poor job of hiding her obvious evilness. That and her shadow kept turning into a dragon, that just seemed odd.

He then went on how he meet each of the members of his "guild", which was a sort of a united group of people who worked together to rid the world of problems.

Yes tell them about how the zombie murdered you and revived you cause he was bored. That'll alleviate their fears.

It was with his guild that Naruto was able to kill the Defias leader and scatter the remaining bandits into the wilderness.

Wow, that sounds like an exciting tale, pity we didn’t actually get to see it. Wait, I take it back, it’s good we didn’t see it. If the action scenes in this crappy story are any indication it would’ve been one long boring ass drawn out quest that took forty pages to complete as it meandered through pointless dialogue and exposition.

A council member then asked.

"If Stormwind has an army as powerful as we've to believe, why didn't they kill the Defias leader instead of leaving it up to you all?" asked Danzo

Cause they’re idiots and they can’t do jack shit until some dumbass kid walks up and asks them to give him a quest.

"Lady Prestor is behind this I believe, any advice is pretty much the exact opposite of anything a logical person with half a brain would come up with.

And yet everyone seems to be listening to her, care to explain that?

As a result of Lady Prestor's intervention, proper human leadership has become impossible. She doesn't seem to think the other races are necessary. Katrana won't even allow the king to send reinforcements to human lands that desperately need it, such as Duskwood and the Redridge Mountains.

Wait you said she only cared about humans, why is she leaving human settlements to die if that’s the case? These motivations make no sense.

Every report of enemy activity on those fronts is shot down for lack of "proof", despite knowledge of dead men and women." said Naruto

Why would she do such a horrible thing? I’m completely dumbfounded, such a mystery! It’s not like it’s been revealed to us that she’s actually a Black Dragon in disguise and this entire plot thread is a complete load of shit that offers no suspense period!

Looks, I’m not saying that a story can’t reveal it’s villains period. But when it’s a conspiracy I tend to like to find out who is involved and why over a set course of time. Not have the entire nature of the conspiracy laid out in front of me within the third fucking chapter!

The councilmen then started muttering about themselves about this woman.

"Sounds like my kind of woman, but still, best see if I can contact her later..." thought Danzo

You know, Danzo is an asshole but if one thing is for sure he’ll an extremist asshole who only cares about protecting Konoha above any costs. I really don’t think he’d like a person like Katrana to be honest. If he receives reports about threats to Konoha or his own power base he acts upon them and terminates them. Great, now he’s out of character.

Naruto then continued on about how the Gnome's home of Gnomergan had been overunned by a race of creatures called Troggs,



Yep, that’s what ya get when you store tons of nuclear waste near your mines. Stupid gnomes, dwarves would never do something that fucking stupid.

and lost the city and were forced to relocate to Ironforge, home of King Bronzebeard.

Oh great now the dwarves have to live with a bunch of fucking refugee wannabe Dwarves. Damn it we’re not a charity, go live with the elves ya freeloaders!

Things were not as good with the dwarves as with Stormwind. The dwarve's Dark Iron 'cousins' had kidnapped King Bronzebeard's daughter and had set up their home within Black Rock mountain, which was also the location of a small brood of deadly Black Dragons. Due to Lady Prestor's interference, the Dwarves did not have the man power to take the mountain and save the princess.

Fuck that! Dwarves are the only race that can have Blunderbusses! As if we need a bunch of dumb humans to fuck up a bunch of evil Dark Iron assholes and dragons.

Naruto then told them of the situation to the Northern Half of the Eastern Kingdoms. The valley of Lordareon had been turned into a plagueland, a waste land of undead and plagues.

Which Naruto naturally befriended and chatted with as they pillaged towns and ate the brains of the survivors.

From descriptions from his paladin senior, both the Argent Dawn, and the Forsaken, were making an effort at the moment to retake the lands.

Retake them from what? Themselves? They’re zombies! Or do you mean to tell me the Zombie war has started and we’re missing it! Damn it man! You keep ruining the awesome!

Problems on Kalimondor were just as serious. A cult of demon worshippers called the Burning Blade had started bringing demons back into the world in order to destroy Origimmar, the captial of the Orcs and Trolls. There was even rumors about the Burning Blade having members hidden within each of the Elemental countries. The councilmen paled with the thought of Demon worshippers running about the village, just waiting for the right moment for all hell to break loose.

They decided the best course of action was to start randomly killing babies now.

The Trolls home of the Echo Isles had also been under the control of a mad voodoo witch doctor, who caused the Darkspear tribe to relocate off the coast of Durtor.

Interesting that your little band of badasses knows about all this shit and yet has done nothing to help said people in danger Naruto. What you decided to just jot them down in your quest log for now, worry about them later?

The Tauren had problems with their own people. A tribe called the Grimtotem were trying to overthrow the current leader of the Tauren and then planned to kill Warchief Thrall. The tauren had their forces spilt due to the Tauren druids commitment to the hidden druid capital, Moonglade.

The shinobi continued to humour Naruto by pretending to be interested in this shit.

Naruto did not exactly know the location of Moonglade, but he heard it was the training place and home to all druids. Both Night elves, and Tauren. They all worked together in order to stop and contain a demon corruption that was corrupting a forest they called Felwood. But even, something even worse was looming on the horizen, reports from the night elves stated about various movement and sounds behind the Gates of Ahn'Qiraj, the prison for an ancient threat, but Naruto didn't know it's name.

Well that was one fantasy cliché after another, what next the dwarves and elves are preparing for war? Orcs are massing in Isengard?

He kept the story as to how he met each and every individual with him right now a secret.

Oh yeah keep that secret, give out a billion other plot threads that won’t go anywhere instead.

Sarutobi stroked his short beard with interest, many things have been happening in the world.

None of them relevant or very interesting, but many things had been happening.

"Clearly the world is in dire straits. It would be best if we stayed out of these trifle affairs." said Homura

I agree, this crossover never made sense anyway.

"No, we cannot just sit here and let the world continue on the path it's on. Let the word spread. Both the Horde and the Alliance will have the full support of Konoha."

Sure thing random anonymous voice from nowhere. Let’s kick ass! Oh wait, do you even have the manpower or capactity to deal with all of these problems? Do you even have good enough relations with either the Horde or Alliance to even be considered to help either? I’m all for helping people and not ignoring the world’s problems, but you can’t exactly be everywhere!

Everyone in the council gasped as Danzo cried out, "Hokage-sama, such an idea is insane! We have nothing to do with their problems!"

Sarutobi gave him the most evil and angry look the council had yet to see, Danzo practically shrank under his gaze.

So Sarutobi is evil now? Look just say enraged or angry, you need to learn how to use words properly!

"Their problems will become ours if we do nothing Danzo. Have you not heard from Naruto?

“They have weapons of mass destruction!”

The only reason the Plague of Undeath has not fallen upon us is because the Alliance is sacrificing brave men and women everyday to prevent our women and children from becoming tools of the Lich King.

And if they became tools of the Forsaken like Professor Evil I’m guessing you’d be okay with that considering the shit you pulled with him?

The only reason our homes are not corrupted and overrun with demons is because both the Night elves and the Horde are risking their lives to prevent that. If not for them, where would we be Danzo, tell me."

Fucked up the ass perhaps, but still it’s a question of logistics here. You don’t have the manpower to deal with all this shit, nor the experience in fighting these kinds of things. The last time a demon attacked you stopped it by having your glorious leader kill himself and put it inside a kid! And as cool as it would be to have ninjas fight zombies, how much difference you could possibly make is debatable. You didn’t even know about half this shit until Naruto showed up so you obviously have no connection or direct diplomatic relation to either side of the coin in Azeroth. So really, you’re thinking of going into this war, with lack of intel, manpower and experience. At least when the United States invaded Iraq they had a semblance of a plan! What’s yours? Go in and hope the zombies give up?

Danzo said nothing, he just sat back down, defeated.

Shoulda said what I did dumbass.

"Right then, I shall assemble an meeting with the other Kages about this matter.

Oh sure! Convince all the Kages to agree on going to war in a distant land with a dozen fucking problems out the ying yang and expend their own resources to fight a war they probably won’t agree with or want to get involved in. Hey, don’t get me wrong, if I was leading a country and I saw some shit going down someplace with lots of people getting killed and shit I’d get pissed off and try to do something about it. But it ain’t as easy to get everyone else to jump onboard with ya! Ask Dubya why don’t ya!

Considering the other Ninja nations probably have their own problems to deal with I highly doubt that they will be as ready to jump at the chance to help out. Good luck though Sarutobi, I’m sure your little plan will work about as well as getting the UN to agree on whether or not they should stop the Rwanda and Darfur genocides!

Azeroth is our world as well,

No... no it’s not. Azeroth is a continent/chain of islands. You’re on the other side of the planet

and we'll do what we can to purge the evils of this land." said Sarutobi, getting the agreement from several clan head members and civilian councilmembers.

"The Aburame clan will support you on this Hokage-sama."

Shikaku, Choza, and Inoichi all agreed the same thing.

"The Inuzuka clan will support on this as well!" yelled Tsume Inuzuka.

Even the stoic head of the Hyuga clan, Hiashi Hyuga, agreed.

That’s definitely out of character the entire clan has been replaced by Skrulls, I’m calling it right now.

"With the subject agreed, I'd like to propose that Naruto here be the ambassador and representative of Konoha.

You’re giving a 12 year old a diplomatic position between you and Azeroth? Okay... it’s official, this is beyond stupid. Kid piloted robots I can stand, I draw the line at pre-teen ambassadors.

He shall go and meet with the leaders of the Horde and the Alliance, I assume you have a hearthstone Naruto?"

"It's all set Oji-san, just tell me where to go."

"Now hold on there Hokage-sama," said Danzo,

“No you hold on!” Eros cried back.

"Surely we can't expect this...this demon to actually represent us?" At the use of the word "demon", Naruto's friends glared at him. Elroth, Chen, and Axel stayed calm while Dick's hands went FWOOSH with fire. Not that Dick cared about Naruto, but he just hated stuck-up pricks like Danzo.

Which again makes me ask why Naruto lets him hang around if he’s that easily provoked.

Brom could feel his bloodlust just screaming to kill the old man, to strangle him with his bare hands.

Told ya it was different when spines came into play.

Fire was steaming out from Bahamut's nostrils as he sat there, while Keyla almost uttered a spell that more then likely would have melted Danzo's face off.

Oh yeah, you guys are really handling this whole situation well, that’s for sure. You’re practically flashing your glocks in front of their faces for the love shizzer!

But, they had all promised Naruto they would behave, so they just stood there,

No they didn’t, you just described them getting ready to go to town of Danzo like rabid weasels on a chicken!

waiting to hear what this old man had to say next.

"Might I suggest we send an ANBU or one of my own trusted men? Or even me. I'd be more then willing to personally meet with each and every nation's leader out there to spread our ideals, not to mention help if it is required."

Sarutobi sighed, "No Danzo, have you any experience outside the elemental countries,

So the 12 year old is the better choice why?

and no, that time with the Murloc does not count."

Danzo looked sheepishly around the room.

“Dude, I thought we weren’t gonna mention that in front of everyone man!”

Danzo's face went purple with fury and humiliation, how dare Sarutobi bring up that incident?

He was drunk and high, it wasn’t his fault.

Some of the other council members had tried hid their laughter, but to no avail.

"I assume Bongo the Horny Murloc had some fun with this old bag?" asked Dick before everyone in the room burst out laughing.

Yeah, explain the joke why don’t ya, thanks a lot asshole.

After a few more rather graphic yet funny jokes from Dick, Sarutobi cleared his throat, "Ha-ha, um, well , yes, But regardless, I move forward making him our representative."

More then half the council members voted, "But Hokage-sama, I hate to interrupt, again, but can we really trust this..."boy"? He's not even a full flegded ninja of the village."

Hey someone with sense, I thought everyone with that had already died off in this story.

"He'll be attending the acadamy tomorrow, and if he passes, we don't have to worry about that issue.

It takes years to pass from the academy, it’s not a one day class. And when you do pass you’re assigned to a squad and required to perform certain duties towards said squad and the village. You’re giving a lot of responsibility to this kid and he hasn’t even been in this village longer than a few days at most!

Meeting adjourned." said Sarutobi as the various council members started to leave, save Danzo who was being followed by one of he civilian council members.

"Why didn't you vote to kick him out the village? He's a threat to us all!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PT-9abkWqt8

"He's a potential weapon, I'd say go ahead and let him become a ninja. Once he's strong and ripe for the picking...I'll turn him into the world's greatest military weapon, which is what I should have done 12 years ago if not for that damn night elf!" he said.

If not for the damn night elf he’d be dead, so I don’t see your logic there.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in Konoha, downtown district, an hour after the meeting...

"Step right up, talk to me, only 13 silver or whatever currency you peons use! Tell me your problems!" cried Dick from a makeshift stand with a sign that said "Therapy" on it.

The black-haired little girl two feet away clawed her nails into her stand as the zombie bastard was stealing her customers from her! She planned to get him back by pulling a football away from him later.

Naruto and the others had decided to check out the acadamy while Brom took Keyla shopping

Leaving Dick unattended to scam helpless residents and, considering he’s a kill crazy asshat, possibly murder them when no one is looking. Yeah that’s smart.

"What are you doing mon?" asked Keyla as she was looking through some clothes in an outdoor shop.

"Just trying to make a little money on the side, Tell me your secrets, let me hear your problems!!" yelled Dick

Give me your brains!

A lone kid with spikey hair walked by, "hey kid, yeah I'm talking to you Emo-boy!!"

The kid glared at him, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

“I’m the juggernaut bitch!”

"No, but I do know that your hair looks like the backside of a chicken,

Seriously? That’s the best you got? That sucks. You suck. I can make up better insults in my sleep.

You hair looks like a lawnmower blade careened with your skull. Your hair looks like one of those crop circles the aliens leave behind. Your hair is so spiky you make a porcupine say “DAYYYYYYMMMM!” Your hair has the appearance of a monkey’s pubes. Your hair looks like a bird used it as a toilet bowl, smells like it too. Your hair is more messed up then a trailer park after a tornado. Shall I go on?

but I'm not here to judge people, I'm hear to listen to your problems. And kid, you look like you got problems. Care to share?"

I got a million problems man, but a bitch ain’t one.

"Since whe do you car about other's feelings mon?" asked Keyla

"My heart might be black, but even I am capable of caring...somewhat."

Is that what you told Naruto after you incinerated him and then revived him with a Pheonix Down?

The kid just smirked, "You wanna hear my problems, it's rather horrible, it's not for the faint of heart..."

“My Teddy Ruxpin doll... molested me.”

Now the kid had Dick interested, "Really? do tell and spare no little details out..."

"Well, it all started when I was little my brother-"

"Skip to the gore already." said Dick

I see Dick is a fan of Eli Roth’s movies. Great, another asshole who is a part of the problem.

"It's kinda hard to remember-"

"Here, this will help." said Dick as he touched Sasuke's forehead with his finger. The images and surpressed memories of his family being slaughtered like cattle was all coming back to him.

Oh wow... I can’t believe there would ever be a point when I’d find someone who could out douche Sasuke. Dick is officially the biggest jackass ever, that is not a good thing by the way.

"Oh my god...blood...everywhere..."

Oh what the heck, I still hate him. HA HA! Your family got murdered! Dork.

"Yes, go on, what happens next?"

"My auntie...lying on the ground..with a kunai loudged in her face!" tears were now forming in Sasuke's eyes.

"Ooohh, go on, more!"

This is like some sick kind of fetish for you huh? Well, even zombies need to masturbate somehow.

"Stop it Dick, your upsetting him like a monkey in a cage with a banana floating just out of his reach" said Keyla as she examined a blouse she liked

Yes that’s exactly what it’s like reliving the murder of all your loved ones. A banana out of reach.

"Are you kidding me? This is quality entertainment right here!"

"My uncle...my cousins...all nothing but bloody corpses littered across the street!"

"Mass murder, always a nice window to relieve stress."

Okay, the mild chuckle has passed. I don’t care if this is Sasuke, this is just plain pure assholish behaviour. This isn’t funny.

"But then...the room..."

"What? What happens in the room? TELL ME!" shouted Dick as he shook Sasuke

Well, Johnny starts screaming about how Lisa is tearing him apart...

"He was there...standing with a sword at my mom's throat..."

"Who? Who was it!?"

"My brother!"

"Genocide by a sibling, what a shocking twist!

Not really, it’s the biggest cliché of all time to be honest.

Go on!"

"Then he..."

"Yes?"

"He.."

"OUT WITH IT MAN!" shouted Dick as he slapped Sasuke across the face.

"He cut her throat open, oh god, there was blood everywhere!"

Congratulations, this is the closest I’ve ever come to actually feeling sorry for Sasuke. You’ve accomplished something no other person has and if Sasuke kills this fucking zombie he will be completely and totally justified. I will shed no tear. You have created a horrible unlikable and despicable character and it sickens me that Naruto would ever consider this person a friend.

You fail, you fail so hard.

"Note to self, find this brother of his and congratulate him on a job well done for traumatizing his younger brother and killing his entire clan."

Dick: Next note to self, force a Holocaust survivor to relive the death of his parents for all eternity!

"I could do nothing...nothing but watch him kill my father!"

"I shall treasure the look on your face forever, now move along, your making a scene."

The young Uchiha ran off screaming as the fresh memories were still in his mind, replaying that horrible day over and over.

HA HA! It’s funny cause he just watched the worst day of his life play over in his mind again while a zombie laughed at it! Hilarious!

"Was that really necessary? Don't you have a conscience?" asked Keyla

"I don't understand the question, what's a conscience?"

Your attempts at black humour are pathetic. I hate Sasuke as much as the next free thinking intelligent human being, but this, this is just low. I make fun of Sasuke for the person he is, not for the reason he became that. This was just wrong, plain and simple.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Across the town...

"So this is the local acadamy..." said Naruto as he say hundreds of little kids running about, either playing, relaxing, or practicing the shinobi arts.

Others were having sex behind the dumpster or playing on their gameboys.

"So many younglings willing to serve their country to keep it safe, reminds me of the children at the orphanage of Stormwind." said Elroth as a couple of children were staring at him.

Child soldiers! The most noble of professions! Training young children to murder and kill in the name of God and Country!

They had no idea what a night elf was and were curious as to why this man's skin was purple.

The children borrowing a page from their parents’ books decided to gather up all the pitchforks and torches they could find and run the freak of nature outta town!

They seemed to like Chen quite abit. His panda appearance attracted a horde of children who wanted to poke and touch him.

He was taken by surprise when one of the kids suddenly sneezed.

"I feel like a side-show attraction, not that I mind, I love children, chapapa." said Chen

Pedobear has become real! And he's Asian! AHHH!

as one of children grabbed his ear, and another was hugging his arm.

"You look like a big teddy bear, of course they're gonna swarm all over you." said Axel as he looked around with his ruby colored goggles. With the most advance goggles in Gnomish engineering, he could see into the building and see the teachers and their classes.

He could also see into the women’s bathroom. Sadly, Anko was not visiting today. Neither was Kurenai.

"Naruto, which class were you assigned to?" asked Axel

Naruto pulled out a piece of paper and said, "Iruka Umino.."

"Class 207 to the west wing, place is filled with students around your age. Teacher has tanned skin and a scar across the bridge of his nose..looks like he's a closet pervert,

Pot calling the kettle black Mr. X-Ray goggles.

and he's now yelling at a kid for sleeping in his class." said Axel as he shut down his goggles.

"Sounds like a strict teacher, is he children, chapapa?" asked Chen

Is this goddamn catchphrase gonna become like how the friggin Moodles talk always ending every damn sentence with Kupo?

"Iruka-sensei can be mean, but he's an awesome teacher!" said a young student, with other students argreeing with him.

"But yeah, he is a pervert like my tutor, just like the red haired guy said." said a young boy with goggles on his head, and a very long scarf.

"But he'll never admit it." said a girl with orange hair and what looked like a permanent blush on her face.

"Mr. Panda, can I pet you?" asked a boy with a permanent booger hanging from his nose.

“You can pet me anywhere son, even down there.” The disturbingly friendly panda assured.

"May I ask who's a closet pervet, Konohamaru?" asked a man with sunglasses who appeared out of nowhere. Konohamaru nearly jumped out of his skin.

His head’s muscles were now fully exposed for all to see!

His tutor signed as he started to drag the boy by his scarf, "Honorable grandson, you can't be lounging around. If you ever want to be achieve the title of Hokage, you must train as much as you can now!"

"Honorable grandson?"

Ebisu coughed as he was alittle uncomfortable in the presence of the jinchuriki. He didn't hate him, just didn't trust him.

"This boy is the grandson of Hiruzen Sarutobi, Hokage of Konoha at the moment."

Don’t ask where his damn parents are they never show up at all. Kinda like Sakura’s.

Naruto then said, "Pleasure to meet you Konohamaru." as he shook the small boy's hand.

"Same...Naruto right?" he asked

"Yes yes, now if your done making friends, let's go Konohamaru!" said Ebisu as he again started dragging the boy by his scarf.

That’s a great way to snap a kid’s neck buddy.

"NO! I wanna play with Naruto!" yelled Konohamaru

"Oiroke no Jutsu" a POOF of smoke and what emerged from the cloud caused Ebisu's face to go red, same with Axel and Konohamaru. Elroth could only groan, not this again.

What looked like a female night elf version of Naruto emerged. Her hair was long and blond like his, while the whisker marks on her face clearly showed it was Naruto in a transformation illusion of a night elf adult...and she was naked.

Yeah sure, make him super duper overly mature enough to be put into position as ambassador and lead a bunch of WoW characters around, but keep the perverted bullshit that doesn’t make any sense in this context. Plus it just seems stupid, why make it a female night elf when a regular human form works just fine? This just seems stupid and unnecessary.

"Oh please Ebisu-san, won't you let him play with me?" asked the night elf female in a seductive way as she struck a pose.

That brings out so many connotations, all of them wrong, so very wrong.

The resulting nosebleed sent Ebisu rocketing across the field into unconsciousness.

I have never gotten a nosebleed from looking at a super hot chick, where this retarded cliché of anime came from I have no idea and I don’t fucking care. It’s still stupid in literary form and has no place in here. It’s just as bad as having sweatdrops and shit.

"I hate it when you misuse my race like that.." said Elroth

Oh stuff it Elf! I see a thousand some odd of your kind dancing naked in the streets for easy coin. You’re no better than the rest of us.

"But it worked didn't it?" said Naruto as he transformed back into himself.

What did it accomplish exactly besides confirming the fact you’re an idiot?

Konohamaru was estatic, "Wow, you took him out in one shot! Can you teach me that boss?"

"Boss?" said Naruto with a raise of an eyebrow.

Oh that’s what it accomplished, it made Konohamaru and Naruto friends even faster. As long as we don’t have to sit through the damn filler episode we should be fine.

"yeah boss! Teach me your Oiroke no Jutsu!!"

"Me too!" yelled another child.

Practically every child wanted Naruto to teach them the Oiroke no Jutsu, but he wasn't really in a position to be teaching.

Even the girls? What they’re gonna transform into hot guys? Really, I always found that Jutsu creepy as fuck. Chicks with dicks creep me the fuck out and the fact Jiraya only started training Naruto when he showed him the move only creeped me out further with the implications it raised.

"Forgive me, but I don't have time right now, maybe later." said the blond as he left.

Oh thank god no stupid filler.

He had to prepare for tomorrow, and it would be awkward if he showed up wearing plate armor.

You’re gonna try and explain why he appears in a fucking jumpsuit now huh?


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Next day...

Naruto was being fussed over by his friends in his appearance.

"I say we comb his hair down." said Axel

"He'd look better with this shirt." said Keyla

So not only is his adventure party his guild they also act as his mom ... yeah I ask again why the little fart is their leader.

"No, I say-"

"Shut it Dick, if it involves killing him again, no." said Brom

"Damn."

So, that was his suggestion. You know, you make it so easy for me to hate this character, and for me to question the numerous ways why Naruto letting him hang around makes no fucking sense. I know that question shall never be answered, but it’s okay, no answer would be sufficient.

"Guys, really, I look fine." said Naruto as he examined himself. He bought this outfir yesterday. It was a an orange jumpsuit, but he wore his tabard with his personal symbol, a a red spiral with a blue background. He wore a cape similar to his father, only it was a black color instead of the white color of his father's and but they both had the red flames designs.

He’s looking FAAAAAAABBBBBULOUS!

I’m sorry, but the cape, over doing, like, way too fucking much.

"Best we can do at the moment, no go out there and show those acadamy students how it's done." said Axel

Soon, they all watched Naruto leave, and for some reason, Dick was crying.

"Ahh, you miss him already?"

"No, the onions I have stored in my hollow skull are making me cry...and I didn't even know I still had tear ducts left."

Was that a joke? Was I suppose to laugh? Cause... yeah I’m not.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Shinobi Academy..

Where your child learns to be a skilled professional killer.

Iruka was taking a head count as he went over the list of students.

"Kiba Inuzuka.."

"Here." cried a boy with several physical traits more akin to animals.

He was busy tearing a steak in two with his bare teeth!

Like the rest of his clan, Kiba had messy brown hair, sharp black eyes with vertical slit-like pupils, pronounced canine teeth, and nails that he can change into claws. He also had the distinct red fang markings of the Inuzuka clan on his cheeks. Kiba's attire consisted of baggy pants and hooded coat. On his head was a little white puppy.

Yeah thanks for that, none of us know how Kiba looks, its not like we watch the show after all.

"Shino Aburame.."

Or as I call him El Cockaroache!

"Present.." said a boy wearing black sunglasses, you couldn't even tell what the color of his eyes were. Shino was bushy dark brown hair and is the tallest ninja of his graduating class, regularly seen sporting the same style as the rest of his clan, consisting of dark sunglasses and a high upturned collar jacket.

I admit, I always did kinda like Shino’s look... but it didn’t need it to be described to me.

"Hinata Hyuga.."

"H-here.." said Hinata. She was usually seen with a timid and shy expression. She had dark blue hair in a bowl-cut style, and fair skin. Like the rest of her clan, she possessed the infamous Byakugan eyes. She wore a pale hooded jacket that had a fire symbol on the upper right and left sleeves and navy blue pants.

Okay we already knew what she looked like, this is pointless.

"Choji Akamichi.."

"He*Crunch*re" said the Akamichi with chips in his mouth.

HEY HEY HEY! It’s the fatass Ninja!

Like the rest of his clan, Choji had a much rounder physique. Choji wore a rather large scarf and wore his clan's emblem on his undershirt.

"Shikamaru Nara..."

"Here.." said the lazy Nara as he then doozed off. To further emphasize his personality, Shikamaru is regularly seen with lazy or irritated expression. He has fairly long black hair tied in a spiky ponytail and narrow brown eyes.

Shikamaru... too cool for school.

"Ino Yamamaka..."

There was no response, but the sound of yelling from the doorway let him know she just arrived with her fellow Sasuke-fan girl,

Ahhh crap, here comes the bashing.

Sakura Haruno. While always in a rivalry against Sakura to prove who is the better kunoichi, Ino takes most pride in her appearance, She considered herself the most beautiful kunoichi of her graduating class and takes great effort to keep up and improve her appearance,

Why has the tense shifted from past to present? Oh right, this author sucks, this boring ass chapter is making me forget why I hate this shit.

as seen from her constant obsession with dieting. The most noticeable traits in her appearance are her blue eyes and her long blonde hair, always seen in a ponytail with bangs covering the right side of her face.

Why is anime so intent on creating impossible as fuck hairstyles?

Sakura had bright, very long pink hair and green eyes. She wore a red dress, that bears strong resemblance to a Chinese qipao dress, with white circular designs (possibly her clan symbol), the traditional dark blue forehead protector which she used to accent her face, and dark green shorts.

I’m surprised you didn’t call her ugly at any point in that sentence.

They both were out to make the class heart throb, Sasuke Uchiha, their loved one. They however, had little luck, Sasuke barely ever glanced their way.

Having a lack of sexual libido and orientation will do that to ya.

Iruka sighed as he checked them both off.

"Sasuke Uchiha.."

AKA Douchebag McJerkass

"Here.." said the now calm Uchiha. He was really shook up with his run in with Dick the other day,

Pussy he only saw his family die in front of his eyes for a second time. Suck it up.

and made it a priority to avoid that warlock at all costs.

Uh... no... if i know Sasuke in all his assholish, jerkwad glory, he’d be ploting vengeance above all else. In fact it would be all he would be thinking about. He’d keep whispering to himself about he needs to avenge shit and how he’s an avenger and things must be avenged.

Now, he managed to

AVENGE!

calm back down, but the memories made his resolve all the more stronger.

Now he looked over the list for one more student, "Naruto Uzumaki..."

At the mention of his name, Hinata's face went red as she frantically searched around the room for him. He was nowhere to be found.

Cue application of insulin now folks.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door as it slid open, revealing the boy she had been waiting for 7 years..

GAH! Need more! Need more fucking insulin! Where’s the fucking needle!

He looked so much handsome, more confident, more noble as he walked in with a graceful air surrounding him.



It’s a full on double rainbow puking across the sky!

The others looked at him with either curious expressions, disapproval, or just plain neutral thoughts.

Slowly they each plotted how they would destroy the new kid as their peers had destroyed them.

"Who's this kid?" thought Kiba

Kiba: And can I eat him?

"I sense great power in him..who is he?" thought Shino

Shino: Strong with the force this one is. Hmmmm!

"Wow, he's kinda cute...still, nothing close to Sasuke-kun." thought Ino

You ain’t no prize your self to be honest Ino. Never really found ya all that attractive.

"I love these chips.." thought Choji

Ha, that’s actually kinda funny.

"Strange...he looks like the Forth Hokage.." thought Shikamaru

Shikamaru: I’m sure it’s nothing, back to sleep.

"Who's this dobe?" wondered Sasuke

The main character, even though all evidence points to the contrary at times.

"That baka better not sit next to Sasuke-kun.." growled Inner Sakura.

Uhhh! There it is, bashing levels are now at 2 percent, case of mild to none here.

"Naruto-kun.." thought Hinata.

Unicorn shit is rainbow coloured.

Naruto gave Iruka his hand and shook his, "Naruto Uzumaki, nice to meet you."

Iruka was half expecting this kid to an attention trouble-making mischievous kid, but he was wrong.

Yeah, he has absolutely none of the qualities or charm that made me like him in the first place. Great job writer.

"Umm, yes, nice to meet you too. I understand that you weren't here for the enrollment test. We'll have to make this quick. Produce at least three bushins for me."

Naruto made a hand-sign and POOF, three more Narutos stood in the room.

Well, there goes another important piece of Naruto’s character arc, now’s he’s practically a prodigy. Fuck this story.

"Impressive, take a seat please." said Iruka, who was alittle weary of these bushins. They seemed abit...different from regular bushins.

That’s not possible, he didn’t get the forbidden scroll. They can’t be different, they have to be the same as regulars. Stop making plotholes.

Naruto walked up the steps, and sat next to Hinata. She blushed at how close he was to her.

My farts smell like lemon drops and puppy dogs!

He turned and smiled at her, "Miss me?"

Oh shut the fuck up already, this is insipid and forceful to the point it loses all charm and you know it.

Instead of replying, she hugged him tightly.

Author: SEE! SEE HOW MUCH THEIR LOVE WAS MEANT TO BE!!! LOVE THEM!!! LOVE THEM OR DIE! LOOOOOOVVVVVVE!!!!

A few tears came from her eyes as Naruto whispered to her, "Hinata-chan, as much as I appreciate this, I think we should stop, everyone's staring."

Oh no! Don’t stop now, you almost stuffed us so full of sugar and pixie dust we were about to choke!

Indeed, everyone was staring, either with confusion, jealously, or just plain surprise.

Hinata blushed as she pulled away from Naruto, but still was just happy to see him again.

"Ok, I will now assign you your Jonin sensei. Team 7 will consist of..."

"Sasuke Uchiha, Sakura Haruno, and Naruto Uzumaki."

Really, you shoved us full of retarded ass Naru/Hina shit by the truckload back there and you’re not even going the full ten yards? You might as well have just stuck Naruto on Hinata’s team already, you’ve already altered so much beyond the breaking point why stop now?

Ino looked dumbfounded as Sakura was cheering her head off.

Naruto was alittle down hearted that he wouldn't be on the same team as Hinata,

Ahhh, at last we see why this story exists, so the author could create a timeline where Naruto never developed a crush on Sakura period! Congratulations, you’ve succeeded. Your stupid little story has reached its apex as an important part of Naruto’s character and Sakura’s has been destroyed in favour of your insipid little sugar lovey dovey gumdrops bullshit. Here, have a Unicorn turd sandwich!

but still, as Chen told him, be the water that flows around the rock, not against it.

Oh so it’s the panda’s fault Naruto isn’t the brat we all know and love. Fuck you Panda, why don’t you and your whole species just up and die already! You practically kill yourselves after all with your lack of a sex drive!

"Team 8 will consist of Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame, and Hinata Hyuga."

Kiba groaned, he was stuck with the seemingly emotionless Shino. Shino said nothing. Hinata was alittle downcast as well. She was really hoping on teaming up with Naruto.

Looks like you’ll have to share a sleeping bag with Kiba and Bugman! Good luck kid!

"Cheer up, if you want, we can hang out in between missions." said Naruto

Hinata once again blushed as she said, "Y-yes, I think that would be nice, Naruto-kun."

I wouldn’t, it means more of this bullshit.

"Team 10 will consist of Ino Yamamaka, Shikamaru Nara, and Choji Akamichi."

Really? Do we really need to go through every fucking team? This chapter is over, there’s only one page left, end it!

"WHAT!" screamed Ino. She was now stuck with the fatty and the lazy cloud watcher.

"Your Jonin sensei's will be here soon to pick you up, I wish you all luck and may the you grow up into excellent shinobi." said Iruka.

With that over, he left them in the classroom.

Iruka: See ya you little bastards! Have a nice fucking life! Hope you don’t die a horrible grisly death like most ninja!

Outside, another chunin teacher named Mizuki, was waiting for Iruka.

"Iruka, how could you let that demon brat just pass like that? You know who he is."

Yeah he’s the baby who shot a laser out of his stomach. Your point?

"I'm well aware of that Mizuki, but he is not what you think. He's only the jailer of the fox, he is not the Fox in human form.

How do you know that? You’ve just met him. Iruka came to realise that as he trained Naruto, here it makes no sense. Comes right the fuck outta nowhere.

I think he's aware of that, and to be so relaxed and nonchalant about it...that takes courage beyond what you or I are capable of."

Mizuki just scowled at him as he left.

"As if I can let this down standing...like they say, fight fire with fire...or in this case...demon with demon.." grinned Mizuki as a tattoo of a sword on fire was visible on his neck. A Burning Blade.

Wait, if Mizuki is a demon worshipper, why does he have a problem with Naruto? Sensey no makey! Plotholes! Plotholes! Why so many plotholes!


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

End of chapter...

Well, fromm what it looks like, Mizuki is part of the Burning Blade cult.

From what it looks like you’ve created another plot hole and pointless subplot that probably won’t go anywhere.

Also, once the Chunin exams are over, Konoha and the other countries will play a vital role in the warcraft universe.

Til then suffer through the horror that is more bullshit diabetes inducing Hinata and Naruto scenes as everything you love about the early bits of the franchise is bulldozed over and beaten with a bloody rusty pipe.

I planned everything by going deep into warcraft lore, so I know what I'm doing.

That’s highly debatable good sir.

As for how Naruto met his new friends, I'll put that in an omake next chapter.

NO! NO! No more fucking exposition! Please! I’ll suck your dick man!

Until then, Ja Ne!

Fuck off.

------------------------------------------------------------

I hate this story so much, you could say, it’s an alternate universe, there’s a reason Naruto ain’t acting like he should, well it’s a crap reason. This story sucks dried balls on crusty moldy toast. Boring dialogue, uninspired OCs, Naruto is a fucking Sue character, vomit inducing romance fluff, plotholes, lengthy pointless exposition, out of character behaviour, constant grammar and spelling mistakes, lack of respect for audience’s intelligence, dragging plot and to top it all off it made me feel sorry for Sasuke by making another character an even bigger asshole! This! Story! SUCKS! And I can’t believe I’m only half way done!

This post has been edited by Lizard-Man: Mar 26 2011, 02:02 PM

[ToxAff]

Oh god, this is shitty! Your comments are worth the read tho, laughed so hard at one point that I woke up my bro....It's funny how I'm learning more about the Naruto-verse each day without having to see the manga or the anime...

[Felloffalot]

Oh god. You can't crossover Naruto and WoW, it doesn't work. This is the perfect example of why it doesn't.

[Lizard-Man]

I am having a wonderful, simply WONDERFUL conversation with the story's author and his feeble attempt to try and tell me I'm wrong.

The usual hyperbole to be honest, I pointed everything I thought was shit about his stories and he came back at me with a challenge.

Tell you what, I'd like to see you write what you think the Ashbringer Naruto story should be, and we'll see who's is better, hmm?

You refuse this challenge, fine, no skin off my bone, just shows your nothing but a troll who likes to make absurb long flames.

A simple "I didn't like it" would have been more...practical

My review was long, I like to make things clear. Suffice to say most of it was complaining about the ineptitude of Sarutobi letting zombies get away with killing people that are supposedly under his protection. His challenge didn't state I had to write a story, just what I thought the story should be. So I decided to amuse the pustule if only to have my own questions answered.

First, pick a side for Naruto, Alliance or Horde and stick with it. Otherwise he's just put on the road to becoming a little purity god mode marty stu like yours. Since Naruto is a decent kind human being, I pick Alliance. Next, remove the ridiculous plot point about being raised by elves. They turned him into a nice little pansy boy with none of the reckless charm and trouble making abandon that made me like the little bastard. This also cleans up the need to explain a lot of shit about Naruto's daddy apparently spending a lot of time with World of Warcraft characters. That whole revelation was confusing as shit and was obviously stolen from the handbook.

Since WoW has penchant for other dimensions, what with the Orcs and those weird alien guys in the expansion that gave us the Blood Elves, a dimension rift cause by the Alliance mages could perhaps suck Naruto and Team 7 into the Warcraft universe. They could hit it around a period of turmoil where the Lich King and the Forsaken are pratically going at it in an all out zombie apocalypse war. (by the way, that was actually a good idea, a shame you failed to follow up on it properly within the story) The mages explain that their magics brought them here as the spell they crafted sought out a group of warriors from somewhere in Azeroth that could help them defeat the Forsaken and Lich King armies. They didn't think it would go to another dimension and suck up people from there, rather it would pick a group of random warriors from their world. So there's no send back spell. Not to worry though, rumour is that the Lich King has a mystical artifact called an Multiverse-Heartstone that he's been using to suck in the dead from multiple words to reinforce his armies. so that could probably get them home. Till they can grab it they decide to help out. They along with the Alliance try to defend one of the local cities at the front from the Forsaken attack. Things however go horribly wrong when the Lich King's forces rush in decimating both sides. Team 7 escapes with their lives to a cave in the forest where they attempt to hide. Inside they find the Ashbringer held in the bony hands of it's last weilder. Naruto is the only one who can pull it out, classic fantasy trope after all, and using it they set out to gather up a new army of alliance AND Horde members when they realise, yeah they're gonna need help. While the Horde don't trust them, Team 7 eventually convinces them that the zombies are the greater threat and the Alliance and Horde join forces if only temporairly to defeat the forces of the Forsaken and Lich King and save Azeroth all the while Naruto using the Ashbringer to fight the undead hordes alongside his comrades. Hell maybe even Sasuke can look less like a douchebag in it all.

I just came up with all that from fucking nowhere and already it sounds more epic than your fucking bullshit. But I'll admit I'm bias, not enough to think this would work all that well though. I personally think the whole crossover is a crap idea in any case. So there, I answered your challenge, now be so kind as to answer mine.

Why the fuck are Sarutobi and the folks at the Ramen bar so fucking stupid when it comes to dealing with zombies? Why didn't Sarutobi warn Nene about Professor Evil? Why didn't Sarutobi lock the fucker up after he killed 3 people? Why do the Ramen bar folks give helpful advice to a guy who tells him his name is Mr. Evil? Why didn't Sarutobi do anything against the potentially dangerous zombie until it attacked Naruto? Why didn't Sarutobi immedietly crush the soul jar that Mr. Evil gave him so as to keep him from taking Naruto? Why did Naruto trust the deformed rotting corpse that punched and almost killed his bodyguards? Why in all holy hell did Sarutobi just go back to bussiness as usual after Naruto got kidnapped? How come no one calls the Hokage out on his obviously stupid move about not doing jack about the fucking zombie? And what is with the obsessive raming of the NaruHina rainbow coloured bullshit you keep ramming down folks throats in this story?

When you can answer those questions without throwing another hissyfit and calling me a troll I'll reconsidering talking to you like you're worth a damn

I also noted any idea I came up with wouldn't be better than his work anyway as said challenge is bias in his favour. He's the only judge. I didn't get much of a response to my questions:

As for Mr. Evil, you really want the Hokage to mess with someone who can melt someone's face just by looking at them? Yeah...And a person who can rip the fabric of time space with Fel Energy to escape?
As for his name, There's a reason for that.

And there is nothing wrong with Naruto being neutral

And if my story is so bad, why do others like it so much, hmm?

Maybe I should write exactly like your writing style....nah, your style sucks.

And what, too busy writing stupid Teen Titan fics to accept a challenge? Meh fine.

And you think writing long angry flames will make someone think your so PRO or whatever, your wrong kid.

And not you or whatever you say is gonna stop this story from continuing.

So his answer is Sarutobi is essentially a coward and lets crinimals who are more powerful than him get away with crimes. Yeah, faulty logic.

I didn't expect much from him, but I at least expected a half way competant remark.

He tried to make it personal by attacking my own work, which I freely admit ain't gonna win any pulitzers, its fanfiction, when would it ever. That still doesn't make my criticisms any less valid though. I could write like a three legged retarded hillybilly jackalope and that still wouldn't make his work any better. I wrote him back explaining all this. More to follow if he decides to throw another hissyfit my way.

[Protto]

As for his name, There's a reason for that.

Hear that? There's a reason his name is Mr. Evil, and it's so brilliant it doesn't require any sort of explanation whatsoever and should be taken as it is. So fuck you, Lizard-Man, fuck you and your logic.