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> Friendship is Life, Return of the Son of the Retard Blades
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Dashguy


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post Feb 8 2017, 04:34 AM
Welcome everyone to another mock, courtesy of DashGorilla Studios! This time, we'll be dealing to the sequel of a previous work we mocked, Friendship is Life, courtesy of our old friend, Alejin. I've recieved reports from my partner Dashguy, that this fic will crank up the edginess, but considering how I dealt with a dueling Ghost Rider, who was fighting off the minions of Freddy Kruger, I should be able to handle it. One thing I will point out is that the author got a beta reader, and from what I saw, his grammar has improved considerably. His story telling skills however...not so much.

So let's kick things into hyperdrive, and tear this shit apart!


SOMEONE’S BASEMENT

“(Pant) (Pant) I. . . I can’t believe how hard this is!”

Masturbation's not the easiest thing to do, when you're obese.

“I need to be more agile, my body feels so heavy. I need to get used to this, damn! Wonder how THEY manage to live like this!. . . well, they’ve been living like this all their lives.”

What’s the point of this? Does the author honestly expect us to believe this “mysterious character” is not his freaking self-insert?

The one saying that was a guy training in an improvised gym down in his basement. It had been the same routine almost every day for week; obviously this young man’s love for his training sessions was no secret to his neighbors. But what really caught their attention, were the tripping and gasping sounds while he was exercising, like a baby learning to walk. And not only that, but many of them could swear hearing the sounds of hoof steps. Then again, knowing him and not wanting to get too involved, they decided to let him be.

And can you blame them for not wanting to get involved? The guy's most likely insane, babbling on about how he kissed Moe Horse.

Call me dirty minded, but it sounds like the guy has got a pony down there and is struggling to have sex with it.

The sound of someone tripping made its echo all over the basement.

“Damn. . . . This one really hurt! At least it happens only one or two times a day now (I’d like to see the THEM in my shoes, that would be funny) but I have to admit it, this stamina is really something; I’ve been training for 2 hours and haven’t sweat a bit. Hehehehehe! Now I can really believe THEY harvest all those apples by themselves”.

At that precise moment his phone rang, it was his friend Steven:

Oh hey, one of the faceless friends from the first story now gets to have a name. I wonder what he'll have to do in order to earn himself a personality...

What do you mean “being Alex’s friend does not count as a personality”?

“Hey Steven. . . what’s up?"

“Hey Alex, I’m fine and you?”

“I’m doing fine.”

Fascinating conversation. You can truly feel the bond between those two.

“Great! Then, can I and the rest of the gang come to your place in 10 minutes?”

“Umm. . . well. . . right now is not a good moment, how about in an hour?”

“Alex. . . You are in the gym aren’t you?”

“(Sigh) yes…”

“Alex! You know you should be resting! You got out the hospital only four weeks ago and the doctor said no exercises for at least a month.”

“I know, I know, but I really get bored at home. . . and you know I don’t like to miss my training sessions. Besides, I waited for three weeks! Trust me, my wounds are healed now.”

You have a shit ton of video games at your house; how the fuck can you be bored?!

Concerned Gamer had already commented on this in the mock of previous installment, but it’s worth repeating. This guy is Batman minus everything that makes Batman a fascinating character. Much like Bruce Wayne, Alex is a rich orphan who decided to train his body to the peak of human capabilities. But where the Dark Knight did it to bring justice and hope to the citizens of Gotham, this cocksucker did it all to imitate his favorite video game character and cosplay at conventions.

“Uhg fine! We will be there in an hour to celebrate your birthday party as we planned ok?”

“It was today!? Damn!, sorry I forgot. Ok! See you in an hour.”

Jesus Christ, not this. In my experience, the self-insert’s birthday is the biggest freaking excuse in the damn book to have every other character suck his metaphorical penis. And here we have it, on the very first freaking chapter.

“Excellent! It will be awesome! All of us will be there, we got the cake and foods so don’t worry and get ready for a good beating in Street Fighter. We got much better while you were absent.”

Wait a minute. Alex is supposed to be rich; money is not a problem for him. He said so on the very first chapter of the previous story. So why isn’t he the one putting the food and drinks on the table? I don’t care if he prefers small gatherings instead of large parties, he should be the one picking up the food and ordering pizzas for everybody!

mmmmmmm Pizza....

“(Alex rolled his eyes) Ok man, whatever you say. . . but I still think it’s a bit unfair! You know I haven’t played in months, even so, I can still beat you dude.”

“Hahahaha! We’ll see that!”

“Ok Steven, see you later!”

“See you later Alex and please remember. . . be careful if you go out, that asshole could still be out there”

What asshole? You mean the guy who thinks your assassin cosplay is utterly stupid?

“(sigh) I know, thanks” (Steven. . . you’re always worried about me)

“And Alex, just one more thing. . . do you still these have nightmares?”

“Yeah. . . I do, but don’t worry; they will stop sooner or later. I’m sure about that”

“Ok then. . . see you later” (hangs up the phone)

Man, that Steven is such a swell guy. Always making sure to make the right questions to give Alex an excuse for exposition.

“I’m sorry Steven, for lying to you and the rest”

Alex took off his special pendant and went upstairs.

He remembered that day at the hospital…



A couple of days after waking up on the hospital where he was found, he had to answer some questions to the doctors and the police, he had to explain not only what happened during that night, but where he had been for the last two months as well; the explanation was brief and simple: he told them about his adventures and how he loved to travel to new places just to spend weeks away from home. His friends, knowing him and his adventurous spirit could very well confirm that. Regarding his injuries, he said it was an armed assailant who asked him for his wallet and phone: he told them he refused to give him his things and tried to fight back but he was stabbed twice by this guy who then ran away. . . He lost consciousness and woke up in the hospital; he came to the conclusion that maybe a good guy found him and brought him there. Why was he found in the newborn babies room was beyond his understanding. Given he didn’t have any police records they let the issue be and exited the room to let his friend Steven come in.

Holy shit, that paragraph! That aside, all it is, is Alex lying about how he ended up in the hospital.

The guy disappears without a trace for two whole months, only to re-appear unconscious, shirtless, armed with his blades and covered in blood on the middle of the newborn’s room in some hospital and the police eat up his shit because he’s got no records? Why not just say he bribed them all?

Steven immediately hugged him and said:

“Alex!! I’m glad you are ok! Is it true? That a mugger attacked you and left you like this? No offense dude but so much for your training”

“None taken (Wow! No mule feeling? I guess it only happens in Equestria)

Your jokes are as funny as watching a clown get mauled to death by wild boars.

For the uninitiated, allow me to explain. There are a couple of instances in the show were character X says character Y is “stubborn as a mule”, only for character X to turn to the side and apologize, with the camera revealing a mule who answers with “none taken”.


what can I say? He surprised me and well. . . he was such a skilled guy.”

“Yeah? Well, let’s be happy you are ok. Care to tell me where you went this time?”

“Before I answer that. . . please tell me, how is everything at home”

“Fine as always, you should be really thankful for having me to take care of your bills and other stuff while you are out; and don’t worry, as we agreed, if you are absent for more than a week. . . I’m in charge of keeping your place safe and locked. In return I can crash there whenever I want, I kinda made a couple of parties. . .well a LOT of parties to be honest, but don’t worry, nothing was stolen, not on my watch”

"However, I had to sent your body pillows to the laundromat. Chad spilled his coke all over them."

So Alex got another dumb teenager to take care of his shit? Why not hire an accountant or some kind of profesional? And notice how Steven, instead of just saying “I took care of everything, as always”, basically turns to the readers to provide more exposition.

“Hehehe!, Thanks Steven. Back on topic, I just went to some random place again.”

“So. . . you always go wherever the road takes you, uh?”

“Yeah. . . something like that.”

“Ok?. . . .But why didn’t you tell anyone about it?”

“I’m sorry. . . but it happened all of a sudden. Funny for such improvised trip, I ended up meeting some new and unique friends; I also learned many things. It was a great trip without a doubt!”

Here's a thought, why not bring your friends to Equestria with you? They can each pick out their pony waifus for themselves.

I feel specially nipticky today. Notice how he doesn’t want to tell anybody about Equestria, but at the same time he cannot resist boasting about the stuff that happened there. It’s like a perpetual struggle between the rational part of his brain and his dick.

“I understand. Anyway, I’m. . . We are glad you are ok, the rest will come later; for now I must go but I’ll be back soon, see you later”

“Thanks Steven, see you later”

Thanks for the gratuitous exposition, champ!



After getting ready to meet his friends at home, Alex went upstairs to his rooftop. While looking at the sky, he thought:

“I wonder how Spike and Everypony else is doing right now. I hope they are ok, well at least they are safe from that asshole now. I’d love having him out of my dreams. Damn! Even after his death, he still makes my life impossible”

Ol'Blueblood refers to the cupcakes that Alex and Pinkie made, as 'common carnival fare'. Oh and he also has sex with Moe Horse.

And now you made me picture this scene from Happy Gilmore with Blueblood instead of Shooter McGavin.

Alex was shaking; he still had the memory of that day. He hadn’t been the same since. He didn’t show it but the feeling of almost dying left him a little scared. And not only that, he started to have nightmares about his last moments with Blueblood, being stabbed and killing him, nopony knew this, but he felt really guilty for killing Blueblood. He killed a pony; a tyrant pony, but still a sentient being. What would happen if someday he managed to return to Equestria? Would they accept him again? Would there be punishment for Blueblood’s death? Would they be scared of him? He shook that feeling off; he knew his pony friends would never turn their backs on him. Besides, every time he thought about them (specially a shy Pegasus an a little white unicorn) the nightmares and negative thoughts vanished and he remembered that IT had to be done. He needed to go back and let them know he was ok, but he was scared for something else as well, that place almost became his tombstone. Maybe that world didn’t want him there. It didn’t matter, he was determined to go back, at least one more time and then come back to Earth for good. After all, it was now possible to go back thanks to the “return to the start” spell (but appearing in the newborn babies room again would be hard to explain) even so. . . if he was going to return to Equestria, he’d have to take some major measures to ensure his and his friends’ safety. Maybe he was a little paranoid now.

Another big as shit paragraph. Holy fuck, my eyes!

*ahem* Now then, that wall of text has Alex worrying about the ponies reaction to him slaying Blueblood. Nevermind the fact that he's a self-insert, who can do anything to the ponies, and they'll still worship him, he admitted that he slayed a tyrant pony. That'll be like if I started worrying about how the public would feel, if I had killed Hitler.


You and I are going to have a small chat about what “improved considerably” means, GorillaGamer. Having said that, this paragraph is a fucking mess. His feeling of nearly dying let him a little scared, eh? Thanks for the clarification, I don’t think we would’ve noticed otherwise. Blueblood was a tyrant, but a sentient being. Do you also regret killing the Manticore King too? And I love how he says IT had to be done. Queen Chrysalis, who had her own freaking army of shapeshifters and could surpass Celestia if feed properly with enough love, was taken down by non-lethal means, but Blueblood, a snob who relied mostly on the power of a dark magical artifact had to be killed for the sake of Equestria. Sure.

He was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t notice it was past the time for his friends to come. He came downstairs to call them over the phone, but all of a sudden…

“SURPRISE!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!!”

“AGHHHHH. . . .PINKI P. . . . STEVEN!!. . . .That was pretty good, you all really got me guys” (Damn! why do I always forget Steven has copies of my keys?)

I pity you, Steven. In only two months, you have been replaced by a freaking cartoon pony in this jerkoff’s friends list.

“Yes we did! Were you going to call me Pinkie Pie?”

“(Gulp) Nope!”

“You are lucky I’m half brony as well dude, ok. . . come here, let’s celebrate; even though it is really not your birthday, just try to enjoy it. Too bad you spent it in the hospital”

You see? Bringing this Steven fellow to Equestria would only make your life better.

“Hahahaha!, Trust me Steven after being stabbed, spending those three weeks in the hospital was like heaven”

Everyone laughed at this and started to party; the food was good, Alex ate hamburgers and hotdogs like crazy. Since the day he was allowed to eat solid food again, he didn’t stop eating all kinds of meat and strangely drinking lots of coffee and sodas. When the party was over and everyone was gone, Alex cleaned up the place. He then sat on his couch and watched some MLP DVDs. He watched the whole 2nd and 3rd seasons: how Spike saved the Cristal Empire as well as Discord’s attack, which then was reformed by Fluttershy. According to his calculations, he came back before this, he wondered if somehow his actions altered the course of history (It was obvious the death of BlueBlood didn’t have to happen), even so, he still couldn’t believe Twilight would ascend to Alicorn (That was so unexpected!). He could not wait to meet his new princess friend again, after watching some more episodes he went to his bedroom to get ready to sleep, but a piece of paper on the wall caught his attention. The same piece of paper his friend Luna gave him that night. He admitted to have some doubts about the theory of the oak tree being a portal; but these doubts disappeared when (around last week) he went to the oak tree and waited for several hours to see if something would happen, when he was about to give up… IT DID; a bright light started to shine around the oak tree, meteors where crossing the sky, the light lasted for around 20 seconds and then it all disappeared. He wanted so bad to jump into the light and travel back to Equestria, but he knew it wasn’t the right time, not yet; his body was still healing and he needed to get ready to make his life in Equestria more. . .comfortable, not to mention he had some promises to fulfill, “nope, not this time” he said.

N32IOTUDKGNOJNFNEW0NF0EW9FJFJ9WNFE0N!!!! ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING WALLS OF TEXT, YOU ILLITERATE WARTHOG!!

“He needed to get ready to make his life in Equestria more comfortable.”

I wonder what are the chances this entails carrying a bunch of shit like an iphone, laptop or any other garbage to impress the ponies with?


Bu-But Video games!

“Ok, according to this, I still have one more chance this year, the next meteor shower will be in around three months from now and is the last one listed here. If I miss it, I will never know when the portal will open again! I need to get ready.”

Back in his bedroom Alex fell on his bed and started to write a “to do” list, a way one of his friends got in his head (Thanks for that Twilight)

“Ok. . . let see. . . I will need: 1) A really big truck . . . 2) Learn to drive a truck.. . 3) . . . .”

Is he going to die in a car crash like his family did? Talk about a coincidence.

EQUESTRIA

Twilight was sleeping in her room at the Cristal Palace. As a princess, she had to attend to meetings with the other Princesses; she closed her eyes and started thinking about these meetings. Because of this, she couldn’t notice a mysterious cloaked pony changing her Crown (her Element of Harmony) for a fake one. This mysterious figure almost got away with it, but tripped on Spike’s Tail and the noise woke up everypony. Twilight and her friends started to chase this pony that ran away after being noticed. When Twilight finally caught him (or her), they started to fight. Feeling that defeat was imminent, the mysterious pony threw the Crown directly to a mirror, but it didn’t break it! It passed it through! The thief said something to Twilight, and then jumped through the mirror as if it was a portal, leaving everypony wondering who or what this pony was.

Please don't tell me we're going to sit through Equestria Girls...

As much as I'm neutral towards the show, I find the entire Equestria Girls movie series to be utter nonsense.


B-But the Rule34, man!

By the way, Twilight’s castle is called “The Castle of Friendship”, author, you fucking cretin.


ALEX GYM (2 days later)

Alex kept doing his training sessions every day. He really had improved adapting to his new body, he stopped tripping and started to run faster and faster, he knew it wasn’t that necessary for him to train like that; after all, his true form was more than enough for him, but he really didn’t want anypony to make fun of him, if he managed to go back to Equestria of course. Not to mention that training in this new form was something else, something that no other human would ever have a chance to do. Besides, he didn’t want to waste his Friend Princess Luna’s gift (in a way, it was funny because he was supposed to never use it in the first place since it was a just a parting gift) and somehow it helped with his nightmares, maybe for the fact it was made by Luna, the Princess of dreams, he could still remember the precise moment he found it…

I'm guessing Luna's gift was a couple issues of that Playpony magazine bronies obsess over.

So Luna’s parting gift, which he wasn’t supposed to use, was an item that allows him to transform his body? Why not a simple handkerchief or bracelet? Why not something that actually reflect the culture and history of Equestria instead of some magical bullshit?



After three weeks of long waiting, Alex was finally released from the Hospital with the doctor’s order of not to do anything harsh for at least a month. Putting on his old shorts and new shirt brought by Steven, he finally could go home, he thanked God for his friend Steven taking good care of his house and paying his bills, since everything in his house was working, electricity, phone, cable and water. He had to make a fast travel to the supermarket since the fridge was empty (obviously). After a good meal with lots of bacon and soda, Alex sat on his couch and played on his PS3 for hours, while playing, he felt something in his shorts was hurting him. He paused the game to see what it was and was surprised to find a little envelope with a black ribbon on it. He stared at it for some minutes and then remembered.

“Ahhhhh! Luna’s birthday Gift! Let’s see what it is!”

Alex carefully opened the envelope and found a really cool Pendant. Its shape was like the Star Wars resistance insignia with a little blue sapphire in the center.

So now there's Star Wars thrown into this? Because why the fuck not?

I just want to take the opportunity to bring a small detail to attention.

QUOTE
Everyone laughed at this and started to party; the food was good, Alex ate hamburgers and hotdogs like crazy. Since the day he was allowed to eat solid food again, he didn’t stop eating all kinds of meat and strangely drinking lots of coffee and sodas.


QUOTE
After a good meal with lots of bacon and soda,


Don’t you love when, between all the fantasizing about parkour and martial arts, some aspect of the author’s real life leaks over the story?

Hey, what's wrong with eating lots of bacon? It's delicious.

Inside the envelope, there was a piece of paper which Alex took and started to read it:

“Alex my Friend, I hope you enjoy my gift, you have shown us so many beautiful things about your world, now let me show you how we see our world. This pendant is very special, only an alicorn is capable to make one. Be warned, when you wear it for the first time, be sure to be alone and stand in front of a mirror, it’s a surprise I know you will like, and please, DON’T PANIC, the last one (A Griffin) to wear one many centuries ago, almost died from a heart attack.”

...you mean Peter Griffin wound up in Equestria, and wore a pendant that turned him into a pony?

As much as I don't like Family Guy, I wouldn't mind seeing that, if only for a laugh or two.


Why the fuck doesn’t she explicitly tell him what does that shit do? Why do we have to endure all this pseudo-suspense bullshit?

“. . . . . Ok?”

Alex went immediately to his room, closed every window and stood in front of a mirror. He put on the pendant and then he started to feel something strange was happening to his body, a warm sensation that didn’t hurt, he felt his face and nose growing bigger, he wanted to look at himself on the mirror but a bright light emanating from the pendant blinded him! The bright light lasted for a couple of second. After the light disappeared, Alex found himself lying on the floor, unable to see anything; he tried to stand up but couldn’t keep his balance, he was about to fall full face on the floor but his powerful front legs stopped it from happening. He was feeling comfortable standing on his new four “legs”. He felt warm, like having a full fur costume all around his body, with so many questions in his mind, he slowly started to open his eyes and tried to look at the mirror, thanks to Luna’s warning he was able to hold himself together and not to scream, what he saw in the mirror was so unreal… the magic of the pendant turned him into a pony!. . .but not an earth pony, he was a UNICORN!, he immediately noticed he didn’t look like the ponies of his world. . . it was hard to explain, he was exactly like the stallions of MLP, like a CGI animation, he was cartoonish but at the same time real, “so this is how they’d look like if they came here” it was amazing, he had every Brony and Pegasister’s Holy Grail on his neck. Without a doubt any of them would kill have this pendant in their hands. As if it wasn’t amazing enough, all of his clothes (literally all of it) adapted to his new body. “How is this possible?” He could spend all of his life trying to understand how this worked, but he came to a simple conclusion. . . “MAGIC!”, (Like trying to explain how Twilight’s clothes appeared when she traveled to the other world) his clothes transformation was so precise that even his shorts had a little hole for his tail, a beautiful spiked tail, the same color as his black spiked mane, his fur color was mustard, not too yellowish like Fluttershy’s and not to orange like Applejack. And on top of that, after removing his shorts, he could see his very own CUTIE MARK! It was the assassins’ insignia with wings on the sides, (maybe it represented True Justice, Flying Justice or something like that, anyway who cared what it symbolizes “it looks really cool!”)

WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT WRITING LARGE WALLS OF TEXT EARLIER?!?!

That aside, holy shit that has to be the second ugliest pony coloration I have ever seen. The only one that trumps that, is that Zach Larson chump.

I think these kind of character designs are the result of a Brony being aware he’s watching a children’s show while also being insecure about his masculinity. Notice how most of them have traits that you could describe as “badass”. Darker colors like black, blood red and brown. Names that include words such as lightning, thunder, flare, blaze, blade, sword, etc. Elaborate Cutie Marks often depicting weapons. Special talents geared towards violence, like close combat, fencing, ability to throw fireballs, etc.



Your grammar may have improved, yet your drawing skills haven't.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAACE?!

“Oh Damn!!! This is Awesome!”

Alex tried to walk, but immediately fell on the floor, he stood up and fell again.

“Ok. . . this is not what I was expecting.”

Credit to the author for not having his self-insert get accustomed to his pony body in just a couple of hours. Then again, the whole training thing was just all telling and no showing, so it’s practically the same as nothing.



Alex was smiling and holding his pendant in his hooves.

“Luna. . . . No words or actions will ever be enough to thank you for this, I promise to take good care of this and never let it be in the wrong hands, Ok. . . I need a little more practice moving with this new body, but for now. . . . I think it’s time to start practicing a little MAGIC!”

Good! Why don't you start off by creating some whiskey out of thin air?

I wish he did. Honestly, when you realize everything that happens on this story is to facilitate the self-insert getting a blowjob, shit becomes really boring. I mean, why else would be gain the power to become a pony if not for everybody else to “ooh” and “ahh”? Especially Fluttershy, whom I bet my left testicle is going to comment how handsome he looks.

Alex continued reading the piece of paper:

“IN CASE YOU TURN INTO A UNICORN”

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

CRISTAL PALACE

Everypony was in Celestia’s bedroom listening Twilight’s story and the adventures on the other world. After she finished her story everypony was shocked, Rarity was the one to break the ice:

“So. . . are you telling us you became a human? Like our darling friend Alex??”

“Yes Rarity, I did”

Oh thank fuck we skipped the Equestria Girls shit!

I’ll take Equestria Girls over this monstrosity any time.

“Wow, tell us darling, how did it feel?”

“To be honest girls, it felt strange. . . I mean, walking on two legs and having hands was really confusing, not to mention the shock of not having my horn and magic”

Rainbow said: “Even so, I think that’s awesome! You saw the world like as Alex did. Amazing!”

“Ok sugarcube, ironically, after everything we have been, through all this time, ah can understand about yah turning in to a human and even visiting their world, but tell me. . . are yah completely sure it wasn’t Alex’s world?”

“Yes Applejack, sadly I’m pretty sure, even though they looked almost exactly like the humans Alex showed us on his computer, I know for sure his humans didn’t have colored skin besides peach and brown tones, I even did a little research and there wasn’t any country called Guatemala there, it seems it was a different Earth, I’ll dare to say it was more like another Equestria considering your humans counterparts”

Hearing this, Princess Celestia said: “It’s exactly what Alex and I were talking about. . .Many worlds are so similar and so different to each other, I’m afraid our possibilities to find HIS world would be like trying to find a needle in a hay loft.”

Feeling a little depressed, Rarity said “I see. . .(sigh) too bad. I’d like to have more news about him, at least to know if he had the funeral he deserved.”

Unfortunately, the fucker got better before I could throw his body into the ocean.

After saying that, everypony went sad, Fluttershy more than everypony else, she covered her face with her mane to not let the others see her tears. More than a month had passed since that horrible day and the wound was still open. Spike looking at this said:

“Girls c’mon, cheer up!, Alex wouldn’t like to see us like this, as he used to tell Fluttershy, he wanted us to be happy, he left this world without regrets, let us make him proud in the afterlife”

“You are right Spike, let’s be happy, after all, we were able to retrieve my Element of Harmony and even made new alien friends, considering everything, I think we should have. . . .”

“A PARTY!” Pinkie Pie said.

Because it's the only thing she does, when she's not imitating Dexter.

“Yeah!” Everypony responded.

While going their way to celebrate, Twilight thought:

“Alex. . . . I’m happy I found more kind humans besides you, I’d really like you to be here with us right now.”

“TWILIGHT!!! ARE YOU COMING??” Asked Pinkie Pie

“uh?. . . oh yes, I’m coming”

HEY GUYS GUYS DIDJA SEE HOW MUCH THE PONIES MISS ME—I MEAN ALEX THEY SURE LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

EARTH (two Months later)

Alex was in his home moving lots of stuff inside cardboard and wooden boxes and storing everything in his garage. Many of his neighbors didn’t even ask and quickly lost interest since they all knew him. They thought maybe he was buying some more “gadgets” to use on his “crazy adventures”, but what really caught their attention, was the new truck he just bought; when someone asked him what in the world he would do with a truck, he answered:

“I will make another trip very soon and I need to bring a lot of stuff with me this time, to be honest, I can’t be sure if I’m going to come back soon.”

So he's ditching his friends, just so he can frolic with ponies.

Our protagonist, everyone!


OH, THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING IN THE ASS GREAT! IT’S THE FIRST FUCKING STORY ALL OVER AGAIN! INSTEAD OF EXPLORING THE MYSTERIES AND WONDERS OF EQUESTRIA, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE THE AUTHOR WRITING ABOUT THE SAME SHIT I COULD READ ABOUT ON A FUCKING BEST BUY CATALOGUE. FUCKING GREAT. THIS GUY IS LIKE THOSE IDIOT TOURISTS EVERYBODY MAKES FUN FOR GOING TO THE NIAGARA FALLS AND SPENDING ALL THE TIME ON THEIR FUCKING PHONES.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

EQUESTRIA (Carrousel Boutique)

“Happy Birthday Sweetie Bell!!!”

Everypony screamed when she entered the house alongside Rarity. she fell on her back but recovered quickly; she noticed her crusader friends were there, the mane 6, Zecora, Spike, Miss Cherelee and every foal of her class, even Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “Well Pinkie Pie never leaves anypony out of a party” she said to herself.

Oh yeah, I forgot Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were spared from Alex's wrath.

“WHOAAAA, WOW! YOU REALLY SURPRISED ME!!”

WHOA DUDE! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PREPARED A SURPRISE PARTY FOR ME EVEN WHEN THAT’S YOUR FUCKING SPECIAL TALENT! WHAT A TWIST!

“That was the idea silly” Pinkie Pie said

“Thanks everypony. . . I mean it!”

“No need to thank Sweetie Bell, yah is our friend and we love yah” Applebloom replied.

“Yeah! Never forget that Sweetie Bell. Now c’mon, let’s party!!” Scootaloo said.



Now that looks like a tasty cake!

If extremely bland looking.

Everypony started to celebrate; the party was great, there was music, dancing, lots of snacks, games and a big cake, everything was perfect. . . at least for everypony except for her. It was a really great party and all, but something was missing, someone was missing. Almost four months had passed but she was still thinking about her big brother, she promised to herself to continue and move on but it wasn’t as easy as planned. She knew he died a hero, saving everypony and her. . . but she really missed him. She was happy and cheerful all the time, but she couldn’t help thinking about him, how she wasn’t even able to say goodbye, not even having a photo of him to remember. She couldn’t help it, and started to share some tears.

Everypony misunderstood her feelings.

“Ohhh, she is so happy she is crying” Pinkie Pie said.

Rarity knew her sister enough to know those weren’t tears of joy, she approached her and asked:

“Sweetie darling. . . what is going on?”

“Nothing. . .nothing. . . really”

Oh fuck off with that big brother shit! The last time I read about a character referring to a self-insert as their brother, was when Nino called Dimitri her brother, in that SovietRussiaMan fic.

Believe me, you do not want to give me flashbacks of that..."author".


“Sweetie Bell. . . please remember I am your sister and I know you enough; you are sad, please tell me what is it. . . . oh! you are thinking about Alex aren´t you?”

(Sweetie Bell nodded)

“Ohhhh Sweetie Bell, come here” Rarity hugged her sister “I know how you want him to be here but you can trust me, he is here with all of us and he is always watching us from Elysium”

“hic. . . hic. . . I know but. . . I miss him too much.”

Someponies and Fillies started to share some tears as well, they didn’t get to know Alex as Sweetie Bell and the Elements did, but they knew how much she loved him and how hard was for her when he died. Applebloom and Scootaloo hugged her too.

“Sweetie bell. . . trust me, we miss him too, he was like a brother to us, (Scootaloo noded) but yer sister is right, he is with us, he loved yah and yah loved him, ah know even in the afterlife he can feel the love yah have for him”

URGH! Cut out this soap opera crap, and get on with it!

Sweetie bell wiped her tears and smiled.

“Thanks Girls, I needed to hear that, you are right! he is with me, with us! Sorry it’s just. . . Sometimes I just need somepony to remind me of that, ok. . . Now lets continue to party!”

Everypony cheered and continued celebrating.

Later, it was time to eat the cake but not before making a wish and blowing the candles.

“Ok Sweetie bell darling, just make a wish and blow them off”

Sweetie Bell thought for a second before smiling and blowing the candles off. Everypony cheered. While the others were eating their slice of cake, Sweetie Bell went out to the balcony, she looked at the stars and the night sky, Applebloom and Scootaloo joined her:

“This party was awesome. . . Pinkie Pie is truly the best of the best” Applebloom said

“Yeah! I hope mine is as good or even better than this one” Scootaloo said, Sweetie and Applebloom rolled their eyes.

Yeah, fuck her for hoping her party is just as good as this one!

“By the way Sweetie Bell, what did yah wish for?”

“That’s a secret. If I tell you, it will not come true”

“That’s true, Ah hope yer wish comes true Sweetie bell”

“I hope so too Applebloom.”

The three of them went back in. Sweetie cried in her heart, as if someone was listening:

“Please. . . please let my wish come true. . . please let me see him just one more time; a ghost; a spirit; an angel, I don’t care. Just… let me say goodbye to my brother.”

FUCK YOU! WE GO BACK AND FORTH FROM READING ABOUT ALEX TO READING ABOUT HOW MUCH THE PONIES MISS ALEX! EVERYTHING’S ALWAYS ABOUT HIM! FUCK YOU IN THE ASS! WHY, GORILLAGAMER? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO AWAKEN THE FURY I HAD FINALLY PUT TO REST AFTER THE LAST STORY? AAAARRRRRGGHHHHH! DASHGUY ANGRY! DASHGUY SMASH! CRUSH PUNY WRITERS AND THEIR SHITTY SELF-INSERTS!

Please forgive me!

//////////////////////////////////////////////

EARTH (now)


“Wow. . .What was that feeling?”

Alex was loading everything inside the truck he was going to use in two days when he felt it, it was something nice and warm, the same feeling when thinking about his sisters Angela and Sweetie Bell. His heart, more determined than ever: “I must go back to Equestria”, he couldn’t fail to go back in two days . . . he just couldn’t.

And we end off our first chapter of Friendship is Life 2: Assassin's Boogaloo. How deep will this rabbit hole go? Only one way to find out...

Have you noticed how we still don’t know the name of this guy’s parents? Just saying.

I have; the author may as well have made Alex and Angela orphans, and have her get killed by some generically evil matron.
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ConcernedGamer


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post Feb 9 2017, 03:37 PM
Sweet merciful fuck, this shitty author, again? The one who I in my nightmares refer to as The King of Ellipses.

Already this sad excuse of a story has trouble picking itself up, insulting me with a few issues.

If he was trying to pretend anyone was surprised by him turning into a pony, he probably shouldn't foreshadow it both with the word 'form' and that he was trying to deal with how 'they' lived like that. Not only that, I don't watch the show nor read fanfics of it, but even I can call out such an obvious cliché.

For a title and intended theme of 'friendship', neither the author nor his self-insert seems to grasp the concept that much. What does his friends do in interacting with this guy? Display mild worry for his health and have a party that ends on the same sentence it starts. No one even cared to show interest and ask him where he had gone before his hospital stay. This is what I'd expect from people who just indulges this guy because he's rich. "Yeah, he was gone for months, doesn't tell us anything, and is leaving again to who knows where, but he's loaded and has a PlayStation, so who cares."

And then there is the eye-rolling subplot along this idiot packing his truck, merely establishing the perfect hole he left behind for himself to fill out again. That's like if I wrote a novel about myself driving home late at night, and I switched to my family members making my bed for me.

The mock is already coming along nicely. Can't wait to see what disaster this fanfic will turn into, once this idiot sits back under that tree, which I suspect pierced a gas pipe to allow him to hallucinate from whatever point his cartoons left him off with his fantasies.


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Dashguy


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post Feb 13 2017, 04:08 AM
Thanks for the comment, ConcernedGamer.

Welcome back to Friendship is Life. In this chapter, Alex attempts to drive a truck into a tree, hopefully joining his family in the process.


It was a beautiful night at the Park. Everything was quiet and peaceful with no one around, except for the crickets and a big truck making its way through the bushes. Alex thanked God that the place was empty. He still had some time left before IT happened.

The guy brought himself a truck, filled it to the brim with shit and is now driving it through a freaking public park in the middle of the night. I don’t know why do I even bother at this point.

He remembered the things he spoke with his friend Steven a few hours ago:

“Alex, are you sure?”

"Yes Steven, I am"

“But you came back just a few months ago and got severely injured. Are you sure you are ready for another trip? You always used to plan your trips several months before going out.”

“That’s true, but I really have to go. I don't have time for any preparations.”

“It's about a girl, isn't it?"

Alex must betray his friends, to make Moe Horse happy.

“What? No, of course not! Well, yes but not the way you think it is. She is like a sister to me.”

A sister that kissed you in the mouth as you were about to die. Incest for the win!

“That may be true, but I feel there is something else. Alex please, you are talking to a Brony who spent almost five months trying to get his Pegasister friend to become his girlfriend. Even if you don’t realize it yet, you have that look in your eyes, the one you have when you are in love.”

It would have been easier to convince her, had she not seen your Rule 34 collection.

“She didn’t get a restraining order, so that counts as being my girlfriend, right?”

“Really? (he blushed a little) Ok, you got me dude. I'm making this trip to see some good friends and “family”. I’d be lying if I don't say I want to see some people more than others, but I am really not sure if I feel something else for her, maybe I do.”

“Ohhhh!, my little friend is in love!”

“Oh come on! I just don’t know man, it’s complicated.”

“Hahahah! Easy dude, I’m teasing you. But seriously, I’m glad you found a girl you like and if she likes you too, just go ahead. I really don’t see the problem.”

“Well, I can’t deny feeling attracted to her, but let just say we are different (a lot different).”

“So, let me get this clear. Besides everything you need to do there, you are also going on this trip to find out how you really feel about her, right?”

Yeah, yeah. Now hurry up with the truck crash, my popcorn's starting to get cold.

“Something like that, I want to know if it could work.”

“Wow! Alex, you really changed. I’d even say you have grown up; don’t get me wrong, We all like the way you are, but sometimes we thought you needed to become more mature. I’m glad to see you have, I don’t know what happened to you during your last trip, but IT made you change.”

You’re not a man until you kill a pony with the knives you made with help from a YouTube video.

“Thanks Steven (I think). I wanted to tell you I’m leaving tonight and I’m not really sure If I will be back any time soon. Everything is set, regular and emergency bank accounts are ready for you to handle, the place is all yours while I'm absent. You do remember what to do if you don’t hear from me in a year, right?”

Is Alex really trusting this chump with all his money?!

I like how the law is completely uninvolved. Guess Guatemala doesn’t have anything like the IRS.

(Steven nodded)

“Good! One more thing, please don’t try to call me. I’m going to a Place where you can’t reach me over the phone or the Internet. But don’t worry, it’s not a dangerous place (most of the time).” Alex said.

“Ok, whatever you say man but, no internet? no phones? Where the heck are you going? Come on! at least tell me that!”

“Ok Steven, you really want to know where am I going?”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to Equestria and the girl I feel something about is no other than Fluttershy.”

They both looked at each other, Steven stared at Alex for a few seconds before exploding with laughter.

“Hahahahahaha nice one dude! nice one!”

*GASP!* How dare you mock the love of Alex and Moe Horse!

“Yeah! (I'm glad you took it that way Steven, and not thinking I'm crazy). I just had to say it. Anyway, I'm sorry but I can't tell you anything else.”

“Well, that’s too bad but, hey! I have known you for so many years. Sometimes you need to keep some
secrets to yourself. Anyway, I wish you a good trip.”

They hugged each other and then Alex got in his truck.

“Alex! Before you go, just know one thing”

“yes?”

“We care about you Alex, and we noticed how you have been in a low mood since you returned, I feel it’s because you miss the friends you have back "there", but I also notice how your face changes when you talk about that girl and this place you want to go back to. I think she is very lucky, It would be really sad, but if she is worth it please stay with her. Because as far as I can see, it looks like bringing her here is not an option. Please be happy Alex, after everything that happened to you, We all think you deserve it.”

Thus giving Alex the excuse to ditch his friends forever. At least Steven has all of Alex's money.

I hate Alex for all the reasons we’ve already mentioned in the previous story, but I also dislike his so-called “friends” too. Because, as Concerned Gamer accurately pointed out, they act like they are more interested in his money, showing the bare minimum concern for his well-being while simultaneously supporting everything he does, no matter how crazy or just plain fucking dumb.

I mean, the guy got himself a truck, filled it with God-knows-what and is going to drive who-knows-where to meet some girl who may like him or not. All of this after he went missing for two whole months, suddenly re-appearing on some hospital with severe wounds. Any sane person would be calling the police, wondering if the guy got brainwashed my some kind of cult. Instead, these guys encourage him, which conveniently coincides with the fact one of them has been left in charge of all of his money.


You raise fairly solid points there. Me personally, I never cared about his friends, due to the fact that they aren't even qualified to be characters.

“Thanks Steven, I somehow needed to hear something like this...

Goodbye."

And here we have the real reason these “friends” exist: to suck his dick, like everything else.

Alex was on his way to the park, but needed to make a stop on a very special place. He parked his truck and brought a bouquet of roses with him. After walking through a beautiful place, he finally reached his destination, three tombstones shinning bright under the moonlight.
“Hi Dad, Mom, Angela."

They still don't have a name! Jumping Jesus on a rusty pogo-stick!

"I’m sorry I haven’t showed up lately but I’ve been kinda busy. I’m sure Angela told you that already. You see, I’m planning to make a long trip to see my pony friends; my other sister and to see HER. I'd give anything to know what you think about it, you know, dating a pony and all. Please don’t get me wrong, even I have my own doubts, she is a pony! I know I can transform into a pony now, but I am still a human and was raised as such. I am supposed to date human girls, there are so many things going on in my head now and I would really like you to help me get my mind clear.

If in the end we are not meant to be together, so be it. A part of me wishes we are. I wanted to say I
love you and goodbye. Well, it all depends on the decisions I make, I may not be able to come here in a very long time, so please be. . . . No! I will not ask you to be proud of me again. Angela made it very clear to me.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND DON’T WORRY, I WILL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AS ALWAYS.”

While Alex is talking to his dead family, I would like to point out that Peri is best Fire Emblem waifu of all time.

I admit I haven’t played many games in the Fire Emblem series, save for the one with the girl with her green hair in a ponytail wielding a katana (I liked her character), but anybody who introduces herself with “I'm Peri! P for pulverize, E for eviscerate, R for ruin, and I for impale! Kee hee!” has my approval.

Going back to this “story”, notice how the author still doesn’t write any kind of descriptions for the characters’ gestures, actions, etc. He just goes ahead and plasters the freaking dialogue like a damn cue card.


A little backtracking here, but I believe the Fire Emblem game you're talking about, is Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken/Blazing Blade. The character you mentioned was Lyn, one of the main protagonists of the game. Considering how Blazing Sword was the game that got me into the franchise, it holds a special place in my heart.

Alex said a little prayer and then went back to his truck. As soon as he turned his back on their graves, he felt small warm hand on his shoulder and a breeze on his hair, it made him feel the same as when they were together. He didn't even turn around. He let his tears come out and smiled:

"Thank you Dad, Mom and Angela. Please keep on watching me until we meet again.”

The feeling went away, as he walked back to his truck. He wasn’t sure of many things but one:

The nightmares were now over!.

How’s the saying? Easy comes, easy goes?



Why is his hand over his crotch...?

And what’s that thing on his face? Did a bird shit on him? By the way, I love how he can’t even bother to draw Mom and Dad. Between their lack of names and this shit, I’m picturing them like the Mom and Dad from “Cow & Chicken”; in this case, a pair of disembodied, floating arms.

---

EQUESTRIA


The Mane 6 and Spike were having a nice lunch at Hoofdonalds before going to the park to see the last Meteor Shower of the year. Suddenly Pinkie Pie found herself smiling, it was her Pinkie sense. She had this warm feeling as tears went down her cheek. Noticing, Spike asked:

“Whoa! What was that Pinkie?”

She smiled like she used to do before Alex´s death and kept staring at the roof while smiling.

“Pinkie? Are you ok?”

“Oh! sorry, this feeling, my Pinkie Sense. This “combo” is very rare and I love it when it happens.”

"You mean the chocolate-coated vibrator?"

"Yes."


Good old chocolate. Is there anything we can’t mix you with?

“Why Pinkie Pie? Can you please tell us why you like it that much?”

“It love it because it means that soon I will see somepony special to me. Somepony I haven’t seen in a long time. Maybe it'll be my sister Maud, that would be great!”

The fun thing about Pinkie Pie’s “Pinkie Sense” is that it doesn’t make a lick of sense. For example, her tail twitching indicates stuff is going to start falling and an itchy back means it’s her lucky day. The combos are even more ridiculous, with stuff like ear flop, eye flutter and knee twitch meaning “look out for opening doors”. Here, her combos are terribly mundane, without mentioning clichéd. “My heart aches, my body trembles and I’m crying! Something bad is going to happen to somebody I like!” No fucking shit, Sherlock! Why don’t you go join the club of little girls in horror movies who have premonitory nightmares?

Wow. Thanks for the handy info!

“We are happy for you Pinkie darling, now let’s finish our food, the Meteor Shower will start in a few minutes!”

“Ok!” Everypony agreed.

After arriving at the park, Princess Celestia and Luna from Canterlot used a powerful spell so everypony could hear them around Equestria:

They have their royal voice thingy, why bother using up magic when they already have the necessary equipment.

“CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, WE ARE GLAD TO SEE ALL OF YOU HERE IN ORDER TO WITNESS THE METEOR SHOWER. AS YOU KNOW, THIS WILL BE THE LAST ONE OF THE YEAR SO IT WILL LAST A LITTLE LONGER THAN THE PREVIOUS ONES. PLEASE ENJOY IT!”

At that moment, Princess Celestia and Luna's horns started to glow, everypony could feel their powerful magic all around Equestria. As they looked up, the meteors started crossing the sky.

Spike remembered how he met his best friend Alex after a meteor shower like this:

“Alex, I hope you are looking at this wonderful show from above the heavens.”

And then a truck falls out of the sky, crushing everyone into a pancake!

THE END.


---

Alex was still away from the Oak tree. He felt nervous that someone was around to see what was about to happen. All of a sudden, like the first time he went to Equestria, the Oak tree started to glow. Alex saw this from the distance, he stepped on the gas and headed right into it:

"I only have twenty seconds!"



Proportions, what's wrong with them?! Why is the truck twice as big as the tree?

Was this scene really worthy of a visual representation? Why not the farewell with his friends?

Everything was according to the plan, except for one thing; he didn’t expect the uneven ground on the park. The truck was moving as fast as it could. He couldn't stop, no time to hesitate. He kept stepping on the gas, it had to work! Otherwise, crashing against the Oak tree at that speed would be fatal. It was either Equestria or Jail (in case he survived the crash).

He kept driving but it was too late, the time was up. He felt as if a dagger stabbed his heart, he couldn't believe it: Everything he hoped for: Equestria, his friends, his sister and HER! It was all gone!

Oh well, there's plenty of bronies Moe Horse could date.

The last time he got transported to Equestria when he fell asleep under the tree. Why does he have to charge it at full speed now? Why not just park the truck next to it and wait?

He was about to stop the truck but noticed that the light was there! The tree was still glowing!

“What the Hell?!"

"Its lasting longer than before!"

With renewed faith and hopes, he kept driving, full speed. Until he finally reached it. The light was painfully blinding but he didn’t care. As soon as he passed through the light, he found himself driving in a forest. He stopped immediately. Luckily, he didn’t hit any tree or ran over any creatures.

Thank goodness he didn't kill any creatures. Otherwise that would have been a conflict, and conflict is bad in these stories.

He turned his head to see the tree behind him but it was no longer glowing. He took a look around and immediately recognized the place:

THE EVERFREE FOREST!

---


I’m not saying he should end up in the middle of a freaking volcano, but a bit of adventure would be nice. Maybe end up in some remote town where you have to drive back to Ponyville, all while stopping on the road to help those in need.

After the Meteor Shower was over and everypony was heading back home, Fluttershy heard something long in the distance, it was like the sound of a train engine. It was coming from the Everfree Forest:

"Oh my! what was that sound?"

Too scared to go check by herself, she decided to let it be.

"It was probably my imagination!".

However, she couldn’t stop staring at the forest with a smile on her snout.

WHY? MACHINES EXIST IN EQUESTRIA! CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT! THE FLIM FLAM BROTHERS CIDER MAKING THINGY! WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAS TO HAVE THESE CONSTANT “FEELINGS”?

...

Pinkie Pie was on her bed when she started to feel the same “combo” she felt before:

"Chocolate-coated vibrator, here I come!"

“I know that somepony special is here! In Equestria; Ponyville; Canterlot or Fillydelphia. But where are you?”

---

"This was awesome!" Alex said. He was able to come back to Equestria. The forest was obviously the same: "How much can a forest change after four months?".

There weren't any creatures around when he arrived, maybe they were sleeping or got scared. Alex wanted so much to run to Ponyville and see everypony but he knew he wasn’t exactly in a friendly territory. Maybe the manticores wouldn’t be a problem, if they remembered him. However, the

Timberwolves or some other creatures were still a danger. He went back into his truck and started driving
to the Sister’s Old castle.

Yeah...that wasn't me. That was in the original fic.

First, it’s the “Castle of the Two Sisters”. Second, again with the same fucking shit as the previous story! How many chapters will be have to wait until the makes his presence known to the ponies? Four? Five? Does the author know what “pacing” means? Is somebody holding a gun to his fucking head and forcing him to write a certain number of chapters per story?

Oh...you caught on to one of this stories biggest flaws.

"I hope none of the stuff I brought got broken" He said.

He wasn’t sure of many things but one...

HE WAS HAPPY TO BE BACK!

I’m happy too. See how happy I am? I’m so happy. Wee.

I've always wanted to ask this question, since it's been bugging me a bit. In all of the fics you've mocked, there have been OC's who end up getting shipped with Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity. I haven't seen a fic where the self-insert is paired with either Applejack or Pinkie Pie. Is there a reason for that?

This is not to say that there aren't stories where Applejack or Pinkie are the "love interest", but I think it has to do with the characters' personalities. I mean, Fluttershy is the closest thing you have to an actual "waifu"; kind, caring, loving, soft spoken, etc. Twilight is close second with her "cute, nerdy girl" persona. In the case of RD and Rarity, I've seen a lot of stories that pair them with some kind of "badass" protagonist, often a soldier. For RD, this means turning into a delicate flower that needs to be saved. For Rarity, I think the appeal lies of the contrast between paring a classy lady with a rough and tumble, badass dude. At least this is what I can tell you from my experience.
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Dashguy


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post Feb 15 2017, 04:06 AM
Here's a little fun fact in regards to this chapter. The author originally intended to have his ponyfied OC met up with the Mane 6 in one chapter, but due to a lack of time, he split it up into two chapters.

“Due to a lack of time”? What the fuck does that even mean? Again, was somebody pointing a gun at his head when he wrote this? Is he getting paid for it? This is just like those people who apologize for their atrocious grammar with “I posted it from my phone”. Fuck you, there’s absolutely no fucking reason, beyond the gun one, you couldn’t have done a couple of re-checkings before posting it, you lazy assclown.

After coming back to Equestria by going through the light on the Oak Tree, Alex managed to bring some stuff in a truck he hid inside a cave near Sister's Old Castle. He was so tired from what happened that he decided to unload these things on the next day.

How convenient the Everfree Forest has roads and a big enough cave for a large truck to traverse and park comfortably.

He entered the Castle and went straight into his old room. It hadn't changed at all, everything was still there in its place, as there were also the memories from the last time he was in Equestria. Thinking about all of these, he went to sleep. On the next morning, Celestia's Sun was shinning as bright as always, everything was warm and calm. Despite all of the things he went through in Equestria, Alex still missed the place: "Everything is so peaceful and calm here, I wish it was the same back on Earth".

What with all TEH EVUL war and terrorism and bullies and thieves and and....

You’re inside an abandoned castle in the middle of a fucking forest, of course it’s gonna be peaceful and calm, you absolute cretin.

After having some breakfast, he went back to the cave and got ready to unload the things he brought with him. It would be a difficult task if it wasn't for Luna and the detailed explanation about basic Equestrian magic she gave him:

It’s fucking magic, you don’t have to explain it.

"Alex, there are three basic types of magic in Equestria: Telekinesis, Written Spells and Spell Casting:

Telekinesis is based on the user's determination, focus and will power. Somepony using Telekinesis has to clear the mind and focus on the object they want to move.

The second one, Written Spells. is performed by reading a magical spell written by a powerful magic user. It doesn't require to much from the one reading it, besides from the knowledge of what the spell will do in order to avoid desastruous consequenses.

Much like how a spell check is used to avoid 'desastruous' spelling mistakes.

The last one is the most difficult of the three, Spell Casting. It is not necessary for the user to recite the name of the spell they are casting. Instead, it is required to learn and memorize somethings we call RUNES. By thinking on different runes you can "cast" powerful spells that vary depending on the runes you are focusing on and the order you give them. Knowing their exact meaning and order is necessary for you to get the desired results, otherwise the spell will simply not work or worse, it might end up back-firing.

Some ponies have a natural talent for casting spells, like Rarity using her Gem Finder Spell or Shinning Armor and his Force Field Spell. We do not know everything about magic yet, for it seems it has its own favorite users (Twilight is a very good example of this).

Alex, please keep in mind that emotions are very important when using magic, if a heart is in peace and harmony, the spells will feel the same. But if the one casting a spell has a corrupted heart or is full of hate, the spell will be dangerous and destructive.

...I have no knowledge on how magic works in the show, so I can't say if what he's writing is right or wrong.

All this stuff about runes is bullshit the author came up with, probably in an attempt to make this piece of literary turd look more interesting or complex. The actual show doesn’t delve much in the actual workings of magic. What little we know comes mostly from Twilight. Stuff like saying a certain spell needs concentration or that she has to have an object in her line of sight in order to break a spell over it. Or this line: “magic is something you study and practice. It only happens when you decide to do it, and it's meant to make something specific that you choose to happen, happen”. The same goes for dark magic. There is a mention of “hate and fear” when Celestia does a demonstration of it, but nothing conclusive. In short, magic simply does whatever the plot needs.

The medallion I gave you, will let you canalize magic just like everypony else in Equestria, please take good care of it."

While reading these things Alex, remembered how Twilight used a Written spell in the third season finale or how Celestia and Twilight were able to use Dark Magic without any problems, "maybe there is a way to fool one's own mind into thinking it is corrupted so Dark Magic can be used", not that he wanted to use Dark Magic anytime soon but he was curious about it.

If you didn't want to use dark magic, then why ponder whether you can corrupt your mind enough to use it?

Because he’s going to use it at some point, I bet. Probably when one of the bad guys threatens his waifu. You know how these dorks love the “dark and edgy alter ego that comes out in times of extreme stress” trope.

Ah yes...I remembered encountering this trope in The Tenth Shadow.

Luckily, Luna’s explanation included a lot of "runes" for him to learn and memorize so he could cast different spells:

"Teleportation, Gem Finder, Force Field, Moustache Growing...

Moustache Growing? hahahaha! Thank you Luna, I guess."

It was a freaking joke on a single damn chapter, you comedy impaired imbecile.

Bringing the boxes out of his truck and moving them into Sister's Old Castle was an easy task thanks to the detailed instructions Luna gave him on her letter. Alex was very impressed on how easy it was for him to learn to use Telekinesis, he became a true "professional" after practicing every single day during a month. Even though he suffered from painful headaches during the first week, they disappeared as he kept on practicing. He also practiced some other spells and how to use the runes written on Luna's letter.

"Memorizing this runes reminds me of Naruto's hand positions" - Alex thought.

Thank you for reminding me on how much of a massive dork you are.

Alex remembered the night he tried to use a Teleportation Spell. To make it work, he had to memorize six diferent runes. In theory, it wasn't that hard, but doing it while focusing all of his magic in his horn and thinking on the place he wanted to go to was very dificult. He focused on every single rune and the order he had to use them. When he was done, he was able to teleport but instead of going into his living room as he wanted, he ended up floating some meters above his dinner table; the noise he made when he fell on it was so loud that it woke up one of his neighbors. Fearing that he would come looking for him, Alex took off his pendant, immediately turning into human again.

"Sorry for making so much noise! I just came to my kitchen looking for a glass of water and endded up breaking some dishes." He told his neighbor who was already near his kitchen window trying to see what had happened.

"I just hope you are ok son, I better go back to sleep now." - His neighbor said.

Thus solving the conflict of the broken dishes.

Didn’t this guy live in a mansion alone? Where did this neighbor come from?

The same place where his relatives come from.

Alex thought it would be better not to use that spell again. At least, not without enough practice.

"Twilight makes it look so easy, she must be a genius!"

One who spent most of her life studying. Not that you would know anything about that.

Once Alex was done moving every box into the biggest room in the Castle, he sealed the entrance with rocks. He hand't realized how late it was, it took him almost all of the day to finish the job. Feeling tired, possibly because of using Telekinesis during most of the day, made him want to sleep.

"I hope my friends like the gifts I brought for them!" He said before closing his eyes.

Aww. Gag me with a rusted spoon.

PONYVILLE (SugarCube Corner)

Pinkie Pie having everything ready for a party at her place. There were lots of balloons, board games, snacks and music,. Seeing this, Mrs Cake said:

“Pinkie dear, why are you preparing a party? You met somepony new today?”

“Nope, its not a somepony new. My Pinkie Sense showed me that will see somepony special to me that I haven´t seen in a while.”

“Oh! Ok. If your Pinkie sense says so, then continue dear. I hope it’s a good pony.”

“Trust me! If it was a meanie ponie, my Pinkie Sense wouldn´t be like this.”

“Ok Pinkie Pie, I won´t make you waste your time anymore. Save me some cake.”

“Okidokilokie”

Such invigorating dialogue...

Pinkie Pie? Preparing a party? What kind of sorcery is this!?

-----

Everything was set, it was the time. Alex was ready to go to Ponyville and see everypony again. He wanted so much to let them know he was still ALIVE! However, he needed to make sure everything was alright (He had killed a pony and didn´t know how everypony felt about it. How would Princess Celestia and Luna feel about it?)

Considering that it was Blueblood you killed, they would throw you a party, and suck your dick.

He put on his magical pendant and immediately transformed into a Unicorn, his clothes changed with him as well. He had some doubts about using his clothes, but not using them would leave his Cutie Mark exposed and would blow up his cover.

You know what else would blow your cover? Those distinctive clothes you're wearing.

So much for friendship that he’s got to disguise himself and check everything is to his liking before appearing.

“I still don´t feel THAT comfortable going around butt-naked anyways.”

He needed some Bits or Gems to buy some supplies so he used Rarity´s Gem Finder Spell, even though he used it for the first time, he was still able to find some Gems before getting tired for using magic.

After walking for a while, he finally arrived to Ponyville. Alex was a little nervious about being recognized, but he managed to pull himself together: “I don´t look like a human being anyways…” The memories of everything that happened in Ponyville were still fresh, he had so many questions in his mind. What would they tell him after finding out he wasn´t dead? How to apologize for killing Blueblood? He took control of his emotions and kept on walking.

I admit I’m interested in the second question. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the ponies aren’t going to hold a grudge towards him for killing Blueblood. I just want to see what will they say once he apologizes. “You had no choice”? “He deserved it”? “I would’ve killed him myself”?

Everypony was doing their usual stuff: buying, selling, going to work, even the little ponies were runing around. It seemed as if nothing bad had happened in Equestria.



*Ahem* WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!

Did I do it right?


Make sure you add some extra AAA on “face”next time. Also, is he really wearing sneakers?

He was so happy to be there that he couldn´t notice somepony getting close to him from behind. Equestria´s best party planner, one of his best friends, Pinkie Pie was right next to him!

“I have never seen you before”

Alex´s heart stopped beating for a moment, he turned around and saw her. The same look in her eyes! The same bright smile he loved! He wanted so much to tell her who he was and hug her, but he couldn´t do it. Not yet.

WHY? EVEN THE TROGLODYTE FROM “THE HUMAN CHRONICLES” APPEARED BEFORE THE PONIES AS SOON AS HE SET A FOOT BACK INTO EQUESTRIA? WHY DO WE HAVE TO ENDURE THIS BULLSHIT?

I think I can answer this.

You see, Toby reappeared in order to defeat some random dragon that was causing chaos in Ponyville. His actions make sense, given how much of a cocky musclehead Toby was. Alex here, prefers to stay hidden from the ponies. Why? Either he's waiting for another Diamond Dog attack, or he's attempting to blend in the crowd, just like in Assassin's Creed.


You have learned well, GorillaGamer.

“Girl, you are smarter than you look!”

Yeah, I’m sure it’s that and not the fact you’re dressed like a complete buffon.

“Thanks!. . . Uh? Where have I heard that? I remember! By any chance, do you know a donkey called Cranky?

Eh? Who's Cranky?

Cranky Doodle Donkey. Like his name implies, he’s a cranky donkey that rejected Pinkie’s friendship when he first arrived to Ponyville on the episode “A Friend in Deed”, until she helped him find her long, lost love. I think the moral of the episode was that some people just need to get laid.

You mean people like the author?

Touché.

“Nope”

“Ok! Here, have this!”

Alex took a coupon from Pinkie´s hooves and stared at it.

“That’s a coupon for a free cupcake at Sugar Cube Corner. The place I work in, you can exchange it after three pm. Please be there on time, ok?”

“(Thank you Pinkie, I know what this all about. I Know you that much)” Alex said to himself. “Really? Thanks Pinkie Pie, I’ll be there at 3:00 pm, I promise!”

Pinkie pie smiled and left him. She then wanted to tell everypony else about the surprise party she had prepared for the somepony special she had just met. But then she realized:

“Mmm I never told him my name. He is a psychic! I WILL HAVE A PSYCHIC FRIEND, YAY!”

*yawn* Thank god the author split this chapter up into two, otherwise I would have been bored to death.

Good point.

Alex was so happy to know that his friend had prepared a “suprise party” for him. After reaching the town´s market he saw some of his friends: Derpy, Mr. Cake, Rose and Colgate. Everypony was looking so happy!



Applebloom looks like she's holding in a massive fart.

What? Oh, sorry. I was distracted by how MASSIVELY DORKY this guy looks.

He also saw Applejack and Applebloom selling their famous apples, he got close to them and said:

“Hello Miss and little cutie.”

“Howdy Sir. Ah can see yah are not from here. What brings yah to our humble little town?”

"Just want a taste of that sweet, pony pussy."

“Just passing by, however I couldn´t allow myself missing the chance to taste one of your famous Sweet Apple Acrees` Apples!”

Applejack blushed a little before answering:

“Yikes! that’s sweet from yah Mr. . . .?”

“Mmm, Axel. Yeah! Thas my name AXEL! (Is that the best you could think of Alex?)”



“Ok Mr. Axel, how many apples would yah like?”

“It depends Miss, do you accept Gems as payment?”

“Bits or Gems are fine sugarcube!”

“Great!”

Alex bought some apples from Applejack and paid with Gems.

“Thank yah very much! Hope to see yah later!” – Applejack said.

You know she says the same to every Customer, don’t you?

Alex nodded, he turned around so he could leave but noticed Applebloom standing infront of him. She was looking at him a little confused.

“What is it little girl? Something on my face?”

“No sir. It’s just that… Have we met before?”

“. . . (Kids in here are smarter than adults)

I don't know why, but I have a sudden urge to punch the authors nose in.

No sweetie, I don’t think so!”

“Oh! ok, sorry, it’s just that yah remind me of somepony else, ah can’t really tell.”

“I see. Well, Trust me on this one, we haven’t met before. See you around!”

Alex left Applebloom and Applejack behind. They kept looking at him until he was out of sight.

“He seems nice, don’t yah think Applejack?”

“Yeah sugarcube, he seems very nice.” Applejack said, with a strange look in her eyes.

“Something wrong sis?”

“Nothing is wrong Applebloom. He seems so nice and everything but…”

“But what Applejack?”

“Nothing! Just forget it.”

“Ok! Look Applejack, more customers!”

Both sisters continued selling more of their delicious apples, but Applejack couldn´t stop thinking:

“(Besides telling the truth about my apples, he lied on everything else. Even his name…

Yet you didn't call him out on it?! What's wrong with you?!

Who are you Axel?)

Let’s set aside the fact the guy has the lying prowess of a five years-old, who cares? Is there any laws that forbids ponies from not using their real names? What if he’s just some idiot tourist? Again, why does everybody has to have these “special feelings” or suspicions or some other shit?
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Post #5
Dashguy


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post Feb 21 2017, 03:46 AM
Welcome to Chapter 4...or to be more accurate, Chapter 3.5. Here we'll see our least favorite assassin meet up with the rest of the ponies.

As Alex continued walking through Ponyville, he decided to visit one of his friends.

He arrived at Carousel Boutique, everything was the same there: beautiful pony clothing, jewelry, accessories, etc. he kept on walking inside the Boutique marveled by everything at sight, that was when he saw the hoods; like the one he used, they even had the assassins logo on them:

I see Rarity is attempting to cash in on the Assassin's Creed craze.

It would be genuinely funny if she did that purely for money reasons. That aside, I can’t imagine how utterly freaking out of place those hoods must look among all the expensive dresses.

“What is this?” Alex thought.

He still couldn´t believe his eyes, all the details, it was an exact copy of HIS hood. Suddenly, a voice broke the silence:

“Hello and welcome to Carousel Boutique where everything is unique and magnifique. What can I do for you?”

“I am actually just looking at the place lady.” Alex replied.

“Please call me Rarity darling, Rarity.”

“Oh, ok. Lady Rarity”

Her eyes widened after hearing him tell her name in that tone.

“Is it something wrong Lady Rarity?” Alex asked.

“Not at all. I just… What can I do for you?” The tone of Alex´s voice was still inside her head.

It’s going to be the same for all of them, isn’t? “Oh, what’s this feeling in my chest after interacting with this mysterious stranger?” Blergh.

“Well, I´m new here and as I was walking around Ponyville I heard everypony say that the things you sell in this store are the best in Equestria. So I just came by to see if I something would catch my attention and surely everything did. So you are looking at your new customer.”

Nice to see that his fake compliments are back. I'd almost missed them. Almost.

Rarity blushed after hearing this.

Let’s not forget the intense blushing.

“Well, thank you darling. I like that idea as well.”

“Ok! See you later lady.” Alex said with a smile.

“Please just call me Rarity darling.”

What’s the point of calling yourself her “new customer” if you’re not going to buy anything?”

As soon as Alex left the place, Sweetie Bell came down stairs, she was still sleepy.

“Sister, who were you talking to?”

“It was a new pony I just met. A true gentlecolt I must say, his name was..., oh! I didn´t ask his name. I´m so silly!”

“Yes you are!” Sweetie Bell said.

*AUDIENCE LAUGHTER*

Alex arrived at Golden Oaks Library, he knocked the door and then a Royal Canterlot voice came from the inside:

“FOR THE LAST TIME PINKIE! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PSYCHIC, STOP ASKING ME THAT!”

Bu-bu-but how would I be able to take out Fighting-Type Pokemon?!

Alex rememberd how Twilight was able to use THAT voice as she was a princess now.

“Excuse me lady, but I am not Pinkie.”

The library doors opened to show a beautiful Alicorn inside.

“I´m so sorry, I thought you were a friend of mine!” She said.

“You don´t need to worry, are you Princess Twilight Sparkle?” Alex asked while bowing.

“Yes, but please just call me Twilight and it is not necessary for you to bow before me. I am a regular pony, just like everypony else!”

“I can accept calling you Twilight but I must still bow before you princess.

And where was this courtesy during the 'Celestia was a meanie-pants' arc in the first story?

I dunno, but all this bullshit about pretending not to know them is genuinely starting to piss me off. I mean, give me a shitty fight against a monster or a poorly written sex scene, but for the love of everything pure and good in the world, don’t freaking bore me.

You see, I am new here and I was meeting the place so I just wanted to come visit this famous library.”

“Do you like to read?” Twilight asked.

“Yes I do! History books and novels.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Please come inside!”

“Thank you Twilight.” He said.

Twilight showed him where the history books and novels were. While he was looking at them, she offered him a cup of tea and apologized for using her Canterlot voice a little earlier. After having a short conversation she wrote all of his information on a library card if he decided to come back again (of course she didn´t know all this information was fake).

So he's giving her false information, including his name, place of residence, and age?

Here's hoping he gets caught, and his ass gets thrown in jail.


The author should be dragged into the street and shot in the ass for the crime of wasting our fucking time.

Alex was about to leave the place, he didn’t turn his back on Twilight so he was walking backwards for the door, he couldn´t notice spike running towards him. Spike was carrying some books so he couldn´t see Alex either. When Alex finally turned around, it was too late. He couldn´t avoid the little dragon from crashing against him. They both felt on the ground.



OUCH! I don't think legs are supposed to bend that way...

I can’t get over my head how fucking ridiculous those sneakers look on him.

“I´m so sorry mister!” Spike said.

“My name is Axel. And it’s ok; it was definitely my fault for walking backwards. What is your name little dragon?” Alex asked.

“I am Spike, the only DRAGON in Ponyville, Princess Twilight´s number one assistant”

Wasn't his position as number one assistant, taken by an owl?

Eh, not really. Spike thinking he was getting replaced was the driving force beyond the episode’s conflict, but nothing beyond that. Basically, Owlowiscious takes to help Twilight during the night, when Spike goes to sleep.

Ah, I see.

“Well, it was nice to meet you!” Alex replied while looking at Spike right into his eyes.

“…you?” Spike was staring at him, with a strange look on his face.

“Is it everything ok little friend?” Alex asked.

“Yeah! It’s nothing, I´m just feeling a little confused because of crashing against you, that’s all!”

Alex helped him pick up the books and taking them into the library.

“You know, - Spike said – 4 months have passed since a good friend of mine…”

“A friend of yours…?” Alex asked, feeling sad for the little dragon.

“Well, don’t worry. I don’t want to trouble you with my things.”

“I understand. It was nice to meet you both Twilight and Spike, I hope we meet again.”

“See you later Axel.” They both said.

Did this shit genuinely deserve a whole fucking chapter?

Alex continued walking around Ponyville and came across BonBon’s Candy Shop. He approached the place only to find it closed. A note was hanging on the door “I’m still travelling with Lyra, the Shop will be closed for at least two more weeks”.

Oh thank fuck Lyra's not here!

Praise the lawd!

After reading this note, Alex realized it was almost three pm, so he started his way to Sugarcube. He had walked just a few meters when he heard a familiar voice:

“Watch out!”



DAMMIT RAINBOW DASH! You were supposed to crash into the idiot!

I can't believe I'm missing his human form.

Thanks to his reflexes, he was able to jump aside and avoid getting hit by a Rainbow Mane Cyan Pegasus who landed heavily on the ground. He quickly helped her stand up. Still confused by the impact, she said:

“Wow! Thank Celestia you were fast enough to dodge me. I’m sorry about that, I was flying here for the party but lost control and almost hit you!”

If you only knew Rainbow Dash from reading this kind of garbage, you would be excused for thinking she’s under some kind of curse that makes her crash against every new character that arrives to Ponyville.

“It's ok miss!” Alex replied with a little smile on his face.

“Miss? I’m no Miss! Well, I am, but I am better known as Rainbow Dash THE FASTEST FLYING PEGASUS IN EQUESTRIA!”

TOP CUNT

“Oh! I see. So you are Rainbow Dash the winner of the Young Flying Competition? Wow! Indeed you are the fastest and the most awesome Pegasus in Equestria!”

“Thank you – Rainbow Dash said – I think you meant the most awesome PONY in Equestria.”

“Well, I meant to say pegasus, because The Most Awesome Pony in Equestria tittle is already taken”

“Taken? And who is that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Me!” Alex said in a serious tone.

The worst part is that, at least in this story, he's right.

“Yeah? You wish! but I must say, I like your optimism. Maybe we should hang out some time and have a little competition as well. What do you say?”

“Anytime Skittles!” Alex answered.

Mmmmm...Skittles.

“Skittles? What?!” She exclaimed.

“Nothing! Never mind, let’s just hurry up for the party, it is about to begin!”

”Ok lets go, but you know, I shouldn’t have mentioned a party. You see, it was planned for you and if YOU don’t look surprised the one who planned it will be kind of sad, so can you please pretend not to know everything YOU know about the party?” She asked him.

Her only character trait is to throw parties and she does that for everybody living here, but she gets sad if they expect it?

“It’s ok Rainbow Dash, but only because you ask me, and I don’t want anypony to be sad” (it’s funny because I had to pretend anyways) Alex thought.

A fucking welcoming party.

The most overused cliche in these H.I.E stories. At least it's more bearable than EARTH AN TEH HOUMANZ ARE TEH EVUL!


Rainbow Dash smiled and then opened the door for him. At that moment, everypony inside screamed:

“SURPRISE!”

Alex, pretending not to know anything, fell on his back as if scared for what just happened, Pinkie Pie ran to him and help him up: “Great! We did it! He was really surprised!”

Alex was amazed by the amount of ponys that were inside the place.

Yeah...I'm amazed by the large amount of invisible ponies in the room.

“Welcome! It’s me Pinkie Pie. We had met before remember? I gave you a coupon for a free cupcake and told you to be here at three o’clock. I had prepared this special party for you because I always make parties for my new friends. Would you like to be my friend? Please be my friend!” Pinkie Pie said

Pinkie Pie got close to him and whispered in his hear “We will be special friends, because I know your secret!”

Alex froze when he heard that, he managed to pull himself together and asked: “Do, do you know it? Aren’t you upset I didn’t tell you myself?”

“Why should I be upset. We all have secrets you silly. But you aren’t very good at keeping them.” She answered

Alex looked at her bright eyes. He was really amazed at how easy it was for her to find out who he was.

“I do know your secret! You are a psychic.”

Please don't make him a psychic. The last thing I need is for this jackass to gain special powers.

“What?! Is that my secret? Well, why do you think I’m a psychic?”

“Well, you knew my name without me telling you first.”

“Didn’t you think somepony else could have told me something about you before we met?”

“Nope, I know nopony did. I saw you when you entered the Town and the first Pony to talk to you was me. So please stop denying it, I got you!”

“Yeah! You got me.”

“Yay! I have a psychic friend” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Isn’t it amazing how the author of this garbage and Mykan have the same level of humor? Except the later can be entertaining in a “chimp throwing a temper tantrum” kind of way.

I don't think the authors jokes should even qualify as humor...

“Guys, could you please come inside, everypony is waiting to meet Axel” Ranbow Dash told them.

They both laughed, as they hadn’t realized everypony was looking at them. They went into the place and closed the doors behind them.

“HELLO EVERYPONY! THIS IS. . . WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!” Pinkie Pie said feeling a little embarrassed.

Didn't you listen to Rainbow Dash?! She just said his name was Axel!

“It’s ok Pinkie Pie, my name is Axel.”

“OK! HELLO EVERYPONY THIS IS MY FRIEND AXEL, HE IS NEW IN PONYVILLE, EVERYPONY PLEASE SAY HELLO AND LETS START CELEBRATING!”

“YAY!” Everypony cheered.

You’re all here for the free food, aren’t you? It’s okay, I can’t blame you for that.

There better be some nachos at the party, cause I'm hungry.

Everypony inside Sugarcube began to celebrate. They were dancing, playing around, eating snacks. Some of them even talked to Alex asking him all kinds of questions. Everypony was there, all the Elements, Spike, but most importantly, HER. She was the only one he didn’t see before coming to the party. Like all the others, she hadn’t change a bit.

Why the hell aren’t you calling Fluttershy by her name? Is this the same kind of shit as the first chapter where the author tried to “hide” his transformation into a pony?

The Crusaders joined the party and started telling stories of their fantastic adventures. Everypony was enjoying the party. It seemed as if they all forgot the sad things that happened a few months ago. It was a good thing, but it was sad at the same time. Alex looked at everypony laughing and having a great time. He wondered if they had just moved on “Maybe they just forgot about me”. His little sister, Spike, everypony was looking so happy he started to wonder if it was really necessary for him to tell them he was still alive. Maybe it was better this way. Why not to just let them think he was gone for good. Anyways, he wasn’t planning to stay there permanently; he had also killed a pony. And maybe some of them would be afraid to see him again because of it. They moved on, they forgot him, everything in Equestria was fine. It wasn’t necessary for him to come back and bring sad memories to them. He remembered telling Steven his trip was to find out if this was his place to stay, but it was clear now. It never was. Coming back here was a huge mistake. His heart was full of happiness and sadness, full of doubts, full of loneliness.

Aw boo hoo! The ponies aren't crying 24/7 over your death. Go take your feelings elsewhere, you self-centered crybaby!

Wow. You hit the nail right on the head, GorillaGamer. Instead of being relieved and happy that everything is in order and everybody succesfully got back to their lives after the total fuckery of a Changeling invasion, he gets sad that they are not actively and visibly talking about him.

He walked to the door and realized everypony was too busy being happy that they didn’t even notice it. He was thinking now on how to survive until the next Meteor Shower so he could go back to earth.

He was opening the doors when a voice came from the inside: “I hope all of you are enjoying the party!” Pinkie Pay said.

“Axel, how about you come up here and tell us all something about yourself?!”

Alex closed the door and said:

“I really don’t think that’s necessary”

“Oh please Axel, just come here and say something!” She asked.

My God. It’s like one of those brats that, after not getting something he wants, immediately goes to sit on a corner with both arms crossed and a pout on his face while every other child is playing on the garden.

As Axel was walking to where Pinkie Pie was he saw Spike, the Mane 6 and the Crusaders gathering in the place. Spike said:

“Sorry everypony. I didn’t mean to interrupt this great party but before listening to Axel, I wanted to take a moment and pay a little tribute to a very close friend of mine who left us exactly four months ago. He was the only human in Equestria, a true hero, a true friend and my mentor. I just wanted to ask you to never forget him, never forget why he died and that he loved Equestria as much as all of us do.”

Ah...now that Spike started to suck on your dick, you want to stay here and party.

Tears started to come out from Spike’s eyes. Sweetie Bell stepped forward and said:

“As many of you know, Alex the human was my adopted brother and I love him with all of my heart. All I wanted to say is that I love you Alex, and I hope you are happy up there with your family, please don’t forget me brother!”

I wonder if they do the same in every party. “Excuse me, excuse me! Before we start celebrating the birth of your daughter, I would like to take a minute to remember my old friend Alex and the way he killed a manticore with a well placed axe to the head.”

The rest of the Mane 6 and the Crusaders bowed as a sign of respect in memory of Alex. Remembering all of the adventures they had, the happy and sad moments, the first time he showed up, how he invented the the Alichoco muffins.

I'm with Dashguy, in that I refuse to believe that Pinkie Pie didn't create Choc-chip Muffins, before this jackass taught her.

The next one to talk was Fluttershy:

“ Alex was so special to me, I’d give anything to have him right here with us now. I promised him that I would move on, but its so difficult. No matter how hard I try. I promised him that I would never cry again, but I can’t. I can’t stop missing him.”

We interrupt this story to remind you the author definitely got a boner from writing this. Thank you.

Alex was impressed. They hadn’t forgotten him. He kept walking towards the center of the building.

“We’re sorry Axel - Pinkie Pie said – we know this is your time and your party, but Alex was very special to all of us, we would give anything to have him here, ANYTHING!

Anything...? Because I believe Dashguy might be able to help you with that...provided you give him the right incentive.

Turning their backs to me is all the “incentive” I need, son.

Having said that, don’t you love the SUBTLETY of this scene? We get three freaking speeches from three different characters about how much they love and miss him, ending with Pinkie shouting about how desperate they are to have him back.


But please come here and tell us all who you are and where have you come from!”

Alex’s heart was beating so fast, his friends still remembered him. They were acting like nothing had happened but they were still sad. He kept walking to where Pinkie Pie was, every step weight like a ton, he didn’t know what to think anymore. He had a good plan already, give a little speech, go back to the Everfree Forest and wait for the next Meteor Shower so he could go back to earth. They would be fine, sooner or later a human stops grieving his lost ones,they still remember them but the pain goes away. That would happen with them as well, they are ponies from Equestria, their happiness surpasses their sadness for miles.

He could still see them crying for him: “They just need a little more time to forget me.” He said to himself.

Oh shut up and go listen to whatever bands the emos listen to nowadays!

Alex felt his heart breaking before such faces. He didn’t even realize everypony was looking at him, waiting to hear him speak. The memories of all the things he and his friends went through, all of their happy moments, her eyes, HER EYES!

Fluttershy? Why do you keep avoiding her name? Are you trying to be mysterious? Deep? Suspenseful? What the fuck is this guy trying to do?

He's trying to make the audience support the romance of Alex and Moe Horse.

“Hi everypony, I wanted to say it’s good to be here and that I’m glad to meet all of you for the first time

…But it would be a lie!”

“I’ve just arrived here and the first thing you do is yell about a dead dude? You’re a bunch of fucking nutjobs, and this is coming from a pony wearing sneakers!”

Everypony was shocked for what he just said. He could she them all looking at each other confused.

“Please, don’t misunderstand me. What I wanted to say is that, this is not the first time I meet some of you here in Ponyville, I have so many memories of this place, memories of you!”

Alex could hear them whispering, wondering what he was talking about.

Pinkie Pie interrupted him: “That’s a good one Axel, but I know everyone here, and I am pretty sure I haven’t seen you before!”

“No! – Alex said – I am not lying. I still have many memories of this place, of you and your friends. I still remember the day we met. That day in the hospital and how I discovered you smell like cotton candy, and when you told me how proud you were of your personal hygiene or how I couldn’t believe when you told me you didn’t know anything about chocolate chip muffins Pinkie”

At least Alex isn't piss-farting around for 5 or so chapters, before he reunites with the ponies.

Pinkie Pie was just standing there, staring at him with a blank expression. Rarity noticed this and asked her: “Pinkie Darling! Are you alright?”

“And you too Lady Rarity!” Alex told her.

“Axel, I told you to just call me Rarity.”

“Don’t you remember when I took your hoof in my hand, kissed it and called you Lady Rarity for the first time? I hope my job as a Gem Finder and my room in your basement are still vacant, Lady Rarity.”

She told you to stop calling her that, dude. Seriously, control your freaking neckbeard.

Rarity looked at Alex and fell on the ground unconscious.

“Rainbow, I haven’t forgotten I still owe you an All You Can eat in Hoofdonalds. I still can’t believe SpitFire lost that day!”

Rainbow’s mouth was wide open, her wings stopped moving. She was a Pegasus turned into a statue.

“Applejack, I see you have taken good care of your beautiful blonde mane. I must tell you, blondes still drive me crazy!”

Yet your waifu pony has a pink mane...

It’s like the guy cannot come up with anything to say about Applejack.

Fuck her hard-working attitude, and her honesty. Her's mane is where it's at!

Applejack started babbling, she was about to faint as well.

“Twilight, Spike, I hope you haven’t spent too much time playing with my two you-know-what, and if you have Spike, I hope you kept your word and played for only two hours a day. Not to mention Twilight, NOW YOU ARE AN ALICORN! YOU ARE A PRINCESS!”

Twilight and Spike were shocked by his words.

“How do you know that?” Was all Twilight managed to say before Alex started talking again.

“Fluttershy, I’m glad you have tried to keep your promise, I still remember that nice farewell gift you gave me in my “last moments”. I have missed you too. I’ve been missing all of you since I woke up in that hospital on Earth!”

Alex and Moe Horse; The one true romance in all of fiction!

JUST TRANSFORM ALREADY FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Alex turned around to where Sweetie Bell and the Crusaders were. He was covered in tears, he stood firmly and took of his pendant. A bright light, as bright as the sun itself blinded everypony who was looking. When the light faded they saw him. Standing there, right in front of them; Alex, the human; their friend.

He was looking at Sweetie Bell. He walked to her and picked her up in his arms. Hugging her like he never did before: “ Sweetie Bell, I would never ever dare to forget about you, not in this life or the other, I love you too much to let that happen!”

Fluttershy fainted too as Rarity was regaining her consciousness.

The CMC were shocked. Alex, their friend was hugging Sweetie; he wasn’t a Spirit or a ghost. After their experience there was a possibility of him being a Changeling. But no, this hug was real, and the one giving it was HIM! How was it possible?

Sweetie Bell was crying: “Are you real? You are not a cruel joke . . . right?”

It'd be funny if it was, or is that just me?

The amount of likes this story got is a cruel joke on anybody with good taste and proper grammar.

“Yes Sister, I’m real. I’m so sorry I was absent for all this time. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

“You don’t have to. You are here, my wish came true! The cake wish, IT REALLY WORKS! Thank you brother, thank you so much! Please, never leave me again!”

“I never left you Sweetie Bell, you know I will always be with you, even if someday you can’t see me.”

“I know brother, please let me enjoy this moment and thank you for not forgetting me!”

“Never! I will never do that to you sister. You two as well little cuties” Alex said looking at Scootaloo and Applebloom. They both looked at each other and then hugged him, they had to be sure it was the real him, not a ghost or an illusion. Even though they were always talking, this time the words had failed them. They didn’t even know what to say anymore.



Thus Alex finally gets to dry hump Sweetie Belle, after a few months of getting blue balls.

Does the transformation spell have some kind of “head-reduction” side-effect?

Alex turned around and saw the rest of his friends crying, Twilight, Spike, all of them had tears in their eyes. Fluttershy was still unconscious. He looked at all of them and said in a loud voice so everypony could hear him:

“Hi everypony, I’m Back!”

I would like to say sequels are always shit, but that would imply the first one was something akin to acceptable.

He barely finished this words when somepony jumped on him with such strength, he fell on his back. It was Applejack, she was looking at him with anger in her eyes.

“Don’t even try to move! – she said with a strong voice – Twilight hurry! Use a Scanning Spell, if he turns out being a Changeling ah will make him wish he was never born!”

Twilight agreed, her horn started to glow and used a Scanning Spell on Alex. After she was done, she looked at Applejack right into her eyes:

“It’s really him…”

Applejack started to cry and kissed him on his cheek. “ah am so sorry – she said – ah had to, ah had to be sure.” Alex looked at her and put his hand on her face:

“Yes pretty cowgirl, it’s me!”

It's cowPONY, you inbred troglodyte!

Twilight helped him stand up and asked: “Alex, how is this even possible?”

Satan? Thanos? Pit of Lazarus?

“I know it is hard to believe but here I am!”

She hugged him with all of her strength.

“Alex dude! I can’t believe you are back! I always new somepony as you couldn’t end up like that!” Rainbow Dash said. “I really don’t know what to say!”

“How about, WELCOME BACK?!” Alex replied with a big smile on his face.

Spike was finally able to pull himself together: “My partner! I don’t know what you did and I really don’t care. Thank you for not being dead!”

“I was just lucky Spike, lucky as always. I’ll tell you everything you want to know but I have to focus on other things now.”

Pinkie Pie was still silent, she didn’t even say a word, didn’t even move where she was standing, she was so lost in her thoughts. Alex got near her and got on his knees. He could see her eyes moving to find his, they looked at each other for a moment, not saying even the slightest word. Tears started to come out of her eyes.

Don't worry, there's tears coming out of my eyes as well. Tears of boredom, that is.

Every time I read one of these scenes, I picture the Mane Six, the CMC and Spike as some kind of amorphous blob, except instead of ceaseless hunger, it’s the desire to please the self-insert what motivates the monster. And just like the flesh-eating blob would split to better take down a potential prey, this one does it to better shower him with praise.

“Ali, is it really you? Please tell me you are not a ghost! Have I finally gone crazy?”

Alex gave her a warm hug and said: “No Pinkie Pie, you haven’t gone nuts, it is really me. And I’m here with you, hugging you.”

Everypony was watching, all of them knew how hard it was for Pinkie Pie to smile again after Alex died. And now there she was, with the biggest smile she ever had.

“Ali, it is you! The real you! I’m so happy to see you again I can barely handle all this happiness, I feel like I’m going to faint…”

She closed her eyes as Alex carefully placed her on the ground. “It’s ok guys, I guess it was too much for her.”



WHAT'S WRONG WITH PINKIE'S FAAAAAAACE?!

I love how the author had to put a fucking globe to indicate Pinkie was happy.

Alex stood up so he could speak to the rest of the ponies that were gathering around. Diamond Tiara, Derpy and her daughter, the Crusaders, for all of them, it was one of the happiest days in Ponyville. Alex promised to give them an explanation on how he was able to survive but now they had to take care of Pinkie Pie who was still lying on the floor. She was carefully taken upstairs to her room.

Everypony started to leave the place, but Alex had something else to do, he needed to talk to the Elements and Spike. Once everypony was gone, he was finally able to be with his friends. They were still looking at him with disbelief in their eyes: “Guys come on, you know it is me, the real Alex, standing in front of you!”

“We are sorry Alex, but after everything that happened. It is really impossible for you to be here!” Twilight said.

“Wow! Twilight, you do realize how unscientific that sounds right?”

“If you being here with us is impossible then… screw science!” She answered with a smile.

I'm pretty sure there's a fanfic out there, where Twilight Sparkle has sex with her science books.

Don’t make me look for it.

“Thank you Twilight. I know you really don’t mean THAT but thanks anyways.

We know she didn't, you gigantic fucking cretin. You know why? Because we have been graced with a level of reading comprehension beyond that of a squirrel. And while Twilight does follow the scientific method, she still uses magic. She has no reason to believe you couldn’t return here beyond the author wanting them to be shocked.

And guys I think I owe you all an explanation.”

Everypony gathered around him as he sat on the floor.

“Ok guys, you might get comfortable as this will be a long…

Well, it is really not a long story…”

Awesome. I’m going to look for some R34 pictures of Pinkie to masturbate to.

But I thought Rarity was your one true love.

I seek pleasure in the bed of many mares, son, but only Rarity makes my kokoro go all "doki doki"
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Post #6
Dashguy


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post Feb 24 2017, 04:07 AM
I can sympathize with your beliefs Dashguy. While I do have plenty of waifus that I have fun with, Chiaki is the girl who has stolen my heart.

But enough about mares and waifus, Chapter 5 is here, and it may as well be the definition of BORING!


Everything was quiet at Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes and their babies were sleeping peacefully, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were having some rest as well. Alex, Spike and everypony else was in the living room, sitting on a couch with Sweetie Bell on his lap and the other two crusaders at each of his sides.

I swear these fillies are more affectionate towards this cretin than their very own family members.

Speaking about that, there is an episode on the fifth season of the show called “Brotherhooves Social”. Basically, the Apple Family periodically organizes an event called “Sisterhooves Social” where little girls and their older sisters compete on an obstacle race. Feeling bad for Applebloom, since Applejack will be away on the day of the event and won’t be able to compete, Big Mac wears a dress and pretends to be Applebloom’s nonexistant cousin. They get disqualified, not because of the drag thing, but because of Big Mac unsportsmanlike conduct. Anyway, the important thing is that, at the end, Big Mac confesses to Applebloom that he’s jealous of Applejack’s achievments and the way Applebloom is constantly singing her praises.

It was a simple yet interesting reveal, and it makes me think how Big Mac must be feeling here.


He told them everything that happened after Princess Celestia used the spell on him, all of them beaming with happiness listened very carefully, once he finished Twilight was the first to talk:

“It is amazing Alex! Princess Celestia’s Spell really worked, it sent you to the hospital you were born in and even better, they found you in time to save you! Wow! Human technology is amazing, as Princess Celestia said; you would have died from your injuries if you had stayed here.”

Too bad it's in the hands of TEH EVUL HOOUMANZ!

“Yes Twilight, but I have a question, the doctor told me it seemed I was saved by a miracle because I was bleeding slowly. Do you think Princess Celestia had anything to do with that?”

“Probably, remember that she was using her magic to give you more time, maybe it lasted even after she sent you back to Earth. Who cares anyways?! It saved you and it’s all that matters!” Twilight answered.

Yeah, who the fuck cares about having a better understanding of an integral part of our life, one that I specialize in and I have dedicated most of my life to study? It worked for Alex! Nothing else matters in the world!

“But Alex, I must know how did you manage to return here?” She asked.

“Well, once I was healed, I went to visit that park again, the same one I was in when I came here for the first time. You see, there is a big Oak Tree there and I wanted to see it, because I was almost sure it was the place where the portal was, and then a bright light appeared out of nowhere and the next second I was here again, in the Everfree Forest. I believe now that the park or the Oak Tree could be a connection between our worlds. What do you think?”

I think you have to get with the times, son. Random portals and Twilight screwing a spell? Nah. Nowadays it’s all about dying and magically appearing next to Ponyville. Maybe even meeting some supernatural entity to give you some powers in the process.

“That’s a good theory Alex. Maybe the Everfree forest is where the portal to your world is and it only opens at the right time, like the other one!”

“The other one? (Alex, get ready for a resume of Equestria Girls).”

I on the other hand, would rather stick my head in a plastic bag then read about the plot of Equestria Girls.

Fair enough. I’m going to look for some R34 Equestria Girls pictures in the meantime.

“Yes, let me tell you. . .”

Twilight told Alex the story on how she became a Princess and her adventures retrieving her Crown in the other Human/Equestria World. Alex listened to her and made some random question even though he knew the answers, when she was done Alex asked:

“So you were a human for some days. Did you like it?”

“Well, yeah! It was an interesting experience, I must say is not easy going around without magic and learning to use my hands was a real challenge.”

Masturbating must have been especially awkward for Twilight Sparkle.

“Tell me about it! Trust me, learning to walk on four legs and not having hands was quite an experience too!”

Rainbow dash said:

“Yeah! Speaking of that! How did you manage to turn into a pony?

“Well, it was thanks to this! the gift Luna gave me in my "last moments" ”

Alex showed them his pendant. He put it on and immediately turned into a pony, all of them looked at him with marveled eyes.

I believe Dashguy had mentioned this in the mock of the previous installment, but what was the point of Luna gifting Alex the pendant, if he was dying?

“What is that darling? I must say I like it!”

“That’s a MetaPendant – Twilight said – Well, it all makes sense now!”

“Uh?! What yah mean sugarcube?”

“Well, you see, Alicorns can turn other creatures into ponies by giving them amulets like this one. Only an Alicorn has enough magic to create such an incredible device. You are very lucky Alex, now you can see the world as we do!”

What if a bad guy gets his hands on one of those? Wouldn’t it be a perfect tool for infiltration?

“And I must say darling, as a Pony you are not half bad…”

Spike gave a weird look at Alex after hearing this from Rarity.

The dragons blue balls started aching harder than usual.

“Hahaha! Thanks Rarity. Going back to the topic, do you guys have any other question?”

Spike raised his hand.

“Why didn’t you tell us who you were? Why did you have to wait?”

Because the author is actually getting paid by the word.

“Well Spike, at first I wanted to see if you guys would recognize me, when I saw myself as a Pony on the mirror, I noticed I looked very much like myself, so I thought maybe you…didn’t any of you recognize me at all?!”

How dare you not recognize me when I adopted a completely different form after you thought I was dead!

I hate to defend this buffoon, but do you know of any other pony that wears sneakers on their hooves?

Nope, because they have their dignity.

“Well Darling, I have to say you gave me a familiar feeling when I first saw you, but no. But I must say, now that I look at you, you do look very much as your human self.”

“Yeah, like my friends in Canterlot high -Twilight said - I had my doubts, but after visiting that place I thought you could be your own pony counterpart.”

“That’s an interesting theory Twilight, but I don’t think I have a pony counterpart here, I’m not a human from that world.” Alex replied.

No, your not. At least the humans in Equestria Girls aren't...hideous.

Except for Flash Sentry, whom bronies tell me I should hate with a burning passion.


“I guess you are right!”

“The second reason I didn’t want to tell you who I was, is because I wanted to see how all of you were doing after going through that experience. I needed to know if it was absolutely necessary to let you know I was alive, when I saw you at the party all cheerful and happy I thought maybe letting you think I was gone for good was the best choice, but when I heard you talking about me with so much love, I knew I was making a huge mistake and I wanted…no, I needed to tell you.”

In other words, Alex wanted to make sure the ponies still worshiped his dick, before he revealed himself.

Everypony nodded as Sweetie Bell hugged him tight.

“I’m glad you chose to tell us brother, thank you. I am happy to have my brother back and now you can even become a pony like me, not that I don’t like your human form or anything!”

“Thanks sister!” Alex said with a smile.

“Yeah! And not only that, yah are a unicorn so now yah can use magic!” Applebloom said.

“That’s true but I’m still a noob in this magic stuff. Thanks to some written lessons from Princess Luna I can barely levitate things and do a couple of spells, not a big deal.”

“Even so, that’s so cool! I must say I’d rather you became a pegasus like Rainbow Dash and me, the three of us would rock together!”

“I don’t think so, maybe he would just slow me down.” Rainbow dash said.

“Thanks Dashie. I’m glad you are so supportive!”

You still owe her that meal at HoofDonalds or whatever it was called.

“Easy dude, I’m sure you would be slow, but with my awesome teaching skills you would become half as good as me in no time!”

Everypony rolled their eyes and laughed.

“Well girls, I know I’ve been saying this many times already but it’s good to be back!”

“We think the same darling! So, what’s your plan now?”

“Uh? Well, one of my plans was to tell you I was alive, but now I suppose I’ll just live here for a while.”

“A while?!” Twilight asked a little worried.

“Well, we are now sure that the spell to send me back works so that is not longer a problem, it’s just a matter of asking Princess Celestia to do it again and according to my previous experiences, that park is my ticket to come back here.”

“But the Park idea is still just a theory, it still could be just a coincidence, we have no warranty that you will be able to come back here if we send you back to Earth again!” Twilight said.

Good...wait, we don't want this fucker back on Earth! You keep him.

“Well, you are right about that! (Sorry Twilight, I wish I could tell you the whole true, but some day I will).

Didn’t we deal with this shit on the previous story? And what’s the point of keeping the whole portal shit a secret from her?

Uhhh...suspense?

For now, let’s just focus on my stay here. You know, maybe the Oak Tree theory will work, but for this time, I came prepared with a lot of stuff from earth, I have everything inside Sister’s Old castle!”

“Really?! More stuff from earth?!” Everypony asked.

“Yep, I brought something for all of you. I hope you guys like it.”

“Did you. . . By any change, did you bring…?”

“Yes Twilight, I brought you books, enought books for you to have a whole section dedicated to humans in your room!”

Ah good, you remembered your promise.

Anything that fuels the metaphorical dick sucking is worth remembering.

Again, Alex managed to break Twilight and everypony could swear she had sparks coming from her ears.

“What are we waiting for?! LET’S GO!”

“Easy Twilight, it is late now, we will go tomorrow and retrieve everything. I also need to check if they are ok”

“They?”

“Yes, well, you’ll see. Let’s just say it is one of Fluttershy gifts”

Everypony was wondering what would it be.

GOLLY GEE WILIKERS, GORILLAGAMER! A GIFT FOR THE PONY THAT LOVES ANIMALS? I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT COULD IT BE!

“. . . . . Did . . . somepony say my name?”

Everypony turned to see who said that, only to find Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie entering the room together.

“Fluttershy! Pinkie Pie! Do yah feel better now sugarcubes?”

Fluttershy was still a little sleepy;

Give the poor mare some coffee, that ought to wake her up.

she hadn’t noticed Alex and said:

“Yes, a lot better, I had an amazing dream, a dream where Alex came back. First he was a Pony but then he transformed into his original self. Not that I minded him being a pony at all. He was alive and healthy. I wish it was real.”

Before she could continue, Pinkie Pie ran past her and grabbed Alex in a crushing hug.

“What are you talking about Fluttershy? It wasn’t a dream. Ali lives and he is here, look!” Pinkie Pie said with a huge smile.

“Uh?! Pinkie, glad to see you are feeling better now but please, even in a pony body. . . . . I need some air.” Alex felt as if he wan’t abl to breathe.

“Just five more seconds. . . No! Just one more minute!”

I see Pinkie is still affected by the hugging curse.

Pinkie Pie wasn’t kidding, she hugged him tight for exactly one whole minute while Fluttershy just stayed there shocked, at least she didn’t faint again, Pinkie Pie stopped hugging him but stood at his side, Scootaloo had to make some room for herself.

“I’m glad to see you again Pinkie Pie!” Alex said.

“Me too Ali. . . I’m so happy. . . I can’t stop smiling!”

“You are saying it like if it was a bad thing, remember what I told you, you look a lot prettier when you smile”

“Thanks Ali. . . now that you are back. . .be sure that I will be smiling forever”

Everypony was looking at them but at the same time, they noticed Fluttershy still in her place, not moving an inch.

“Fluttershy, aren’t you saying anything?” Alex asked.

Fluttershy a little reluctant, started to walk to him, moving her mouth as if she wanted to say something but she wasn’t able to. When she was close enough to him, she extended her hoof to touch his chest, she needed to feel it with her own hoof ; he was a pony, but his eyes; his hair; his smile, he was Alex, HER Alex, no doubt about it. But she needed one last proof.

“Alex please, can you please turn into a human again, if you don’t mind, I need to see it. Just one more time so I can finally convince myself this isn’t a dream.”

I don’t know what irks me the most. The sheer amounts of stomach-churning cheesiness on these paragraphs or the fact I feel on my bones that the author sported a raging boner when he wrote this shit.

Why not both?



SQUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The love between Alex and Moe Horse will last a lifetime!

The fuck is with the size of her head?

Alex smiled, and took off his pendant using his magic, the next second he was the human all of them cared for again. Fluttershy stared at him, not having anymore doubts she followed her feelings and hugged him with a strength she never showed before. It could even match Pinkie Pie’s, Alex hugged her too, and they stayed like that for what seemed to be an eternity to them. He put the pendant back on and immediately turned into a pony. Fluttershy began to cry.

“I’m happy. I’M SO HAPPY! But how?”



Thus begins Alex's first orgy as a pony.

What happened to Applejack’s neck?

Alex and the rest started telling Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy the whole story. Excluding the part of her gift, Everypony was surprised as Fluttershy got next to him and put her head on Alex’s shoulder, Alex felt as in Heaven, the mare he had a crush with was at his side, he could feel her warmth, even though he liked it, he was still feeling kind of weird. He was still a human, so feeling something over a pony was a little “different”. He asked:

“By the way girls, where is Lyra?”

Died from blood loss when she tried to cut her hooves in the shape of hands.

“Well Ali… you see, she decided to explore Equestria to see if she could find any other humans around. Knowing now for sure that humans exist, she decided to investigate every weird creature sighting in all of Equestria to find out if one of them were humans, she also dragged Bonbon with her, they should be back in a couple of weeks. What a surprise she will have when she comes back!” Pinkie Pie told him.

Damn it! Why do you have to crush my hopes like this, God!?

“I see, well I’ll just wait for her return then and I have to visit Proud Hammer and Zecora too.”

Sure, why not? You can never have enough people sucking your dick.

“Can we go with you Brother? – Sweetie Bell asked - We have to go to see Zecora tomorrow anyways, please, please, pretty please!”

“How can I say no to that face? Of course you can come!” Alex answered.

Great, more saccharine crap between Alex and his sister...

*BARFS*


The ride never ends.

“YAY!” the three Fillies yelled making everypony laugh. Alex looked out the window and noticed it was really dark.

“Well Everypony, I think it’s time for us to go to sleep. So if you…”

Spike interrupted him.

“Oh no! Don’t tell me you are going to the Sister’s old Castle now!”

“Well, all my stuff is in there and well, yes?”

Pinkie Pie gasped and said:

“Are you crazy Ali? It will be dangerous out there. Besides, we just got together again. We have to do a SLUMBER PARTY!”

Twilight = books
Applejack= apples
Rarity= clothes
Fluttershy= animals
Rainbow Dash= speed
Pinkie= parties

Just keep the above in mind and you cannot fail.


Thanks Dashguy! I'll keep this in mind, in case I get the sudden urge to churn out a H.I.E fanfic. Not that I would, of course.

“I really don’t know Pinkie” Alex said.

“Oh please, please with tons of sugar” Pinkie begged with puppy eyes.

It'll give you an unlimited source of pussy.

“sigh… ok”

“YAY!!” Pinkie Pie brought some snacks and games, while setting everything Spike asked Alex if they could have a little conversation alone.

“Excuse us Girls, Spike and I need to talk outside. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Once they were out, Alex sat on the ground with his pal next to him. Alex looked at him for a moment and without saying a word, he hugged him tight. Spike was surprised but he hugged him too.

“Spike I am sorry I didn’t say this before but I’m so glad to see you again!”

Why did you not tell him back there? Were you afraid of looking like a faggot or something? Don’t get me wrong, you are a glorious winged faggot, but definitely not for showing affection towards other dude.

“Me too my friend, me too…” Spike replied.

“So, what do you wanted to talk about?” Alex asked.

"I-I-I'm ready for anal!" Spike called out suddenly.

“Well, it is just that I need to know it now, are you planning to stay in Equestria this time? I mean, staying here for good?”

“To be honest Spike, I don’t know. I plan to stay here for a couple of months and see if I finally decide to stay here, but only time will tell.”

This guy’s attention whorish tendencies are almost pathological. Seriously, look at the above and tell me it doesn’t read like he’s hoping the ponies will beg for him to stay.

“I see, I’ll make sure you love so much being here then that you will even beg for Celestia to forget the spell to send you back. You’ll see, besides, I think Fluttershy is already working on that. By the way, when do you plan to ask her to be your very special somepony? It’s so obvious you both like each other.”

“What? Ok spike, I don’t know, I can’t say I don’t I like her, but I want to know her a little better, let’s wait to see what happens ok? And when do YOU plan to ask Rarity to be your Special somepony?” Alex asked.

“What? I don’t. . . sigh, ok you got me. I still like her, I think she knows I like her too but she acts as if nothing. Maybe she is not the one for me, what do you think?”

*Slaps Spike across the face*

That's quitter talk! You keep trying your hardest, and eventually you might win Rarity's heart. If not...then forget this conversation ever happened.


Did you know Spike’s crush on Rarity was supposed to be a one-episode-only thing, GorillaGamer? The writers needed a way to show Rarity was the “pretty one” of the team, so they had Spike act lovestruck. It just happened to stick after that.

I never knew that. You learn something every day.

“I think only you can answer that, but I do know there is a fated per. . . creature for every creature. I know you will be happy with somepony. If in the end it’s not Rarity, so be it, right?”

Just a question, but what happens to Spike, in fics where Rarity is paired with the self-insert?

Not much, in my experience. Most of the time they just comment on how he was jealous and sad for a while, but eventually got better. Sometimes he gets paired with a filly. All in all, the whole thing is treated like an afterthought.

“I guess you are right Alex. I’m glad you are here so I can talk about these things. I Can’t do the same with Twilight or any other mare!”

“No problem Spike. I’m here for you now and I’m not planing to leave in a long time. Now let’s go party!”

“Yeah!” Spike immediately forgot how sad he was after hearing Alex.

“Besides, we resume our training tomorrow. I hope you hadn’t been slacking off because I will test you.” Alex said with a serious look on his face.

“You got it partner!” Spike replied.

You better start working on improving your blowgun skills.

You’re gonna blow far, kid!

Once they were done talking, they got back into the house. The party was nice, even with the childish games Pinkie Pie made them play. Alex had to convince Twilight not to send a letter to Celestia about his return. He wanted to surprise them as well, she was kind of reluctant but finally agreed as she also wanted to see their surprised faces. After a good time together the girls went to sleep at Pinkie Pie’s room while Alex and Spike stayed on the in the living room. Sweetie Bell asked Alex if she could stay with him, something he of course accepted.Tthis was one of the best nights each and every one of them had since months.

At the end, nobody made a comment about Blueblood. I'm disappointed.

---

SADDLE SARABIA (Royalty Meeting)

I joked about this before, but is Saddle Sarabia an actual place in the show?

It’s Saddle Arabia and yes, it exists. We event get to see two representatives on one episode.

Which one?

"Magic Duel", the fifth episode of the third season. They appear at the end.

Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor along the other Kingdom rulers were impatient, waiting for the magic raffle to end. After all, the Kingdom chooses which town will host of one of the most amazing events in all the world:“The Gladiators Tournament”, celebrated once every seven years.

If this tournament features a Spartan-obsessed brother of Freddy Kruger, then I'm leaving this fic for good!

When the winner was finally chosen, the Sultan read the paper and said:

“My Royal fellows., the host for the Gladiators Tournaments will be. . . . .

CANTERLOT!”

Princess Celestia and Luna couldn’t hide their excitement; it had been decades since Canterlot wasn’t selected to host this tournament.

Uh-huh. If this “tournament” is so important then how come this is the very first time we read about it? And if the Princesses are so thrilled about it then how come none of the ponies were able to fight against the Changeling invasion on the previous story, beyond that retarded OC swinging hammers? Fuck me, do we get a reward if we pretend this “tournament” is anything beyond a cheap excuse for the author to fantasize about being a total badass?

Princess Celestia said:

“Thank you very much for this great honor. I’m sure this tournament will be one of the best ever. We will see great matches between the best of the best. In one week, we’ll be sending the official rules to you so you can start gathering your best soldiers and warriors. Once again, Thank you very much!”

"It's a shame that Blueblood won't be able to participate. He was such a promising contender."

The meeting ended and every Royal creature present started the long way back to their kingdoms, Celestia and the rest stayed in the Sultan’s Palace to have some rest and get ready to travel the next morning. While having some lunch at the palace, they had a little conversation:

“Celestia and Luna, I’m sure you are excited to host the tournament this time”

“Yes Sultan Mahay, I just hope many of my ponies will be willing to compete!” Celestia replied.

“Me too, I hope my horses are up to the challenge as well. But, do you think. HE will compete?” Sultan Mahay asked.

“I beg your pardon?” Princess Celestia said.

“Oh you know what I mean, your friend the hero you told me about. The human, what was his name? Axel, Alax or something like that”

“Alex, his name was Alex” Luna said a little annoyed.

“Was?”

“Yes, he is no longer with us, a disgrace happened.

"He began writing Human in Equestria fics!"

Look, I don’t really want to talk about that” Celestia said with a sad voice as Luna was staring down.

“I see, it’s a shame. I heard he was good enough to take down even a manticore. I’m pretty sure he would have done pretty well in the tournament, not to mention his dragon partner. I hope he does compet…”

Is killing a manticore such a great feat? Wouldn’t Fluttershy taming one of the second episode of the show be more impressive? And how come this guy heard about what Alex did but not about the heroics of the Mane Six?

Because they're MARES. And the bronies don't want the MARES to take the glory away from their OC's.

“Spike? oh no no no no! He is just a baby dragon. I would never let him compete in something so…” Princess Celestia said interrupting him.

“Oh come on Celestia! You know this tournament stopped being dangerous a long time ago. Besides, I heard he is as good as the human, who knows, he may surprise you.”

Just like ordering a pizza and opening the box to find a dog turd instead.

Celestia had to admit the Sultan was right. Spike indeed had demonstrated to be a descent fighter thanks to Alex’s teachings and his own devoted training. Maybe she could, she would have a conversation with Twiligh. On the other hoof, she was glad that only rumors had passed to the other kingdom. She made sure the Invasion incident was covered with the exception of Sarabia Sultan since he was a long friend. This kind of news would make the other kingdoms and Empires think Canterlot was weak and unstable, she really was thankful for Alex, Spike and their friends who managed to save them.

How fascinating...

YOU HAD TO BE SAVED BY A FUCKING DORK, A BABY DRAGON, AN IDIOT SWINGING HAMMERS AND THE EQUIVALENT OF A BUNCH OF FUCKING WILD ANIMALS! YOUR KINGDOM IS A FUCKING JOKE!

“Well, we will think about it. It could be a good distraction for him, after all he hasn’t been the same since Alex died” Princess Luna said with a sad look on her eyes.

“Very well, have some rest then and prepare to leave tomorrow. You have a big tournament to prepare!”

The Princesses proceeded to go to their rooms.

While on her bed, Princess Luna couldn’t stop think about something.

“I think the same Sultan, Alex would have rocked in that tournament"

Tell me something I don’t fucking know.

Since this chapter was a snoozefest, I'll end things off by posting the authors notes.

QUOTE
P.S. in case you noticed, the art of Alex hugging fluttershy was inspired in one made by Ceehoof, look at his art and stories, very good ones.


Any thoughts on this Ceehoof person, Dashguy?

From what I’ve seen on his Fimfiction page, the guy’s most prominent story is called “Equestria’s First Human”; a monstrosity almost one hundred and twenty eight thousand words long where his self-insert is paired with Fluttershy, because of fucking course he is. We also have the following:

A rewrite of “A Canterlot Wedding” to include the fucking self-insert.

A story where Sweetie Belle develops a crush on the fucking self-insert, despite the fact he’s dating the aforementioned Moe Horse.

Some story centred around a stallion named “Hellfire”, who apparently was the antagonist in “Equestria’s First Human” or something.

A story in the Equestria Girls universe with, you guessed it, the fucking self-insert.

And a crossover with Godzilla. Oh, and a couple of the chapters of the first story include drawings made by the author himself, of course.




So yeah, you can see where Alejin got plenty of inspiration from.

Not going to lie, that picture looks better than anything Alejin draws. Slightly better mind you, but I digress...
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 27th February 2017 - 07:46 PM