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> Dark Thoughts in a Hart of Light, First mockery- A Kingdom Hearts yaoi fan
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post Sep 11 2010, 11:49 AM
Well, I stumbled into this site a couple of days ago, and was totally captured. You guys rock! I haven't laughed like this for months.

So I also wanted to try it. The author of this particular story has ignored any and all reviews criticizing her work, no matter how nice they were, so I decided she was a fair game.

It's yaoi of the Soriku varity, which I actually like, but she totally killed this pairing. And my spell check.

Bold is me, regular font- the author, xXxmRs.RiKu.

Hana: K, this a new story by me! I hope it's really good!

It's not, sorry.

Riku: Your fics are always good! They have lots of me and Sora in them -kisses Sora-

Sora: Meep!

That's one thing I never get. Why do authors insist on putting random characters in their AN's? Are they so desperate for friends they make up some random conversation between them and FICTIONAL characters? Who fucking cares?

Hana: Aww! You guys are so cute! So anyway, yeah, this has sora/riku in it - I hope you Sora/Riku fans liek it!

I heard you liek Mudkips.

It's also kinda dark with lots of lemony bits, so if you hate yaoi don't read it please! I don't want stupid flames! Take the F off flamers and what do you get? LAMERS. you don't want to be a LAMER, do you? Also, it will probably have a lot of Kairi bashing in it.

Riku: -beats Kairi up with a baseball bat-

Kairi: -dies-

Yeah, because in reality, Riku didn't spend all of the first game to find her because he likes her or anything, he just wanted to kill her himself. That makes so much sense now! Nomura, you are a genius.

Hana: Yeah, like that! So um, if you like Kairi don't read this fic. Go kill yourself instead! -gives you a razorblade-

Kairi Fans: -kill themselves-

Axel: -burns their corpes-

Shouldn't someone ah… I don't know… call child services? I see here encouragement to commit mass suicide.

Hana: Anyway, I don't own Kingdom Hearts, but if I did a lot more of this would be going on!

Sora and Riku: -make out passively-

Hana: It's a shame, isn't it D:


Axel: -burns Kairi's corpse more until it explodes-

Dark Thoughts in a Hart of Light

Chapter 1
Sora's Dream

"Riku... I... I love you!" gasped Sora. His heart beat 100 times quicker in his chest. He had been waiting to tell Riku he loved him for ages. What if he said no?

This whole fic wouldn't have happened and we could all live happily ever after.

But Riku was far from it, instead he cupped Sora's chin in his hands and looked down into his eyes and moved his lips close to his ears. "i love you too, Sora" whispered Riku.

DAMN. I guess love can conquer anything, even bad grammar. Maybe I should just luveeeee my English teacher….

Sora gasped as Riku took advantage of it and used the moment to give him a kiss, arms sweeping around his back so he didn't fall over as Sora had been turned almost boneless. His face flushed and his knees shook as he fell into the kiss

It was very deep.

until they were kissing passively

Is it even possible to kiss PASSIVELY?

with tongues, aqua eyes meeting sky blue as Rikus hands slipped under Sora's shirt and fiddled with his belt muttering "Are you ready for this? Are you? Sora? Sora?" And then their bodies were grinding together, hips clashing against hips creating unbearable heat as Riku moved around inside Sora

Wait, Whut?

moaning his name louder and louder and louder making Sora go crazy with desire "Sora! Sora!"


Sora woke up quickly and turned to look at his mother, Mitsuko Hikari.

It's like she is not even trying with this name…

Her hands were on her hips and she looked really pissed off and Sora knew she had probably been shouting at him to wake up for ages already but when Sora had a dream about Riku he just never wanted to wake up they were so good!

Sora: My dreams are so good I can't even use commas or periods and have to think really long sentences that doesn't end and run on and on and on and ends with an exclamation mark!

"Sora, I've told you 100 times before! Get up and get dressed you lazy ass!" she shouted, pointing to his clothes that were scattered on his floor. "You lazy bastard." Sora stuck his middle finger up at Mitsuko

I have a bad feeling about this mother-son realtionship….

as she left the room and her back was turned because she'd ruined a really good dream about Riku and she was also an asshole.

She was really pretty and only about 25 (she'd had Sora when she was really young like 14) and her boyfriend hadn't been ready to have a kid so he ran away. Mitsuko had to drop out of school to take care of Sora and now she dealt drugs and went out with lots of guys for money. She was always in a really bad mood with Sora and she couldn't wait to get him out of the house in the morning so she could go off with like 5 new guys. Sora hated all her boyfriends - the last one beat him up and left bruises on his arms and faces.


Muttering about how sucky his life was, Sora pulled on his black Good Charlotte T-Shirt top with blood-red writing and his black baggy trousers with lots of chains and belts of skulls on them and spiderwebs, put on lots of foundation and black eyeliner that looked like he'd been crying and his silver crown necklace Riku had given him on his tenth birthday. It was his most treasured possesion - he had nothing else to love in his shitty house and his shitty life.

Why the fuck is Sora emo? No, seriously, this doesn't make any sense, Sora is a hyperactive, overly optimistic, happy-go-lucky fricking HERO. This is wrong on soooooo many levels…

And really, who gives a damn about what he is wearing?

Apart from his mother, Sora also hated a girl called Kairi. He only kept her around because Riku seemed to lick her

….. You know, maybe I should call my new dog Riku. He also seems to lick people with the name Kairi.

and he didn't want to upset Riku but he really didn't like her. She was a slut and was always trying to get into Sora's pants and kept kissing his cheek and he couldn't hit her because she was a girl!

Which is why he had no problem beating the shit out of Larxene, because we all know she is the most manly man in Kingdom Hearts. I can roll with that.

"I fucking hate my life" growled Sora angrily as he stormed out of the house, knowing that Riku could never like him and his mother didn't care about him and her boyfriends hit him and Kairi was trying to make his life miserable.

What is this I don't even-

"I won't let that bitch ruin my life" growled Sora, just as he ran into... That bitch!


"Hi Sora!" giggled Kairi, latching onto his arm like a leech. Sora threw her off and she jumped back up, adjusted her miniskirt so it covered her butt again (but it barely did anyway, you could totally see her undies when she bent over. It was really sickening) and linked arms with Sora. "Let's walk to school together!"

Kairi is such a slut in the game. In truth, Axel kidnapped her to save the world from seeing her horrible pink undies. Yup. Plot? Whut plot?

"Let's not" growled Soar, shaking her off and running away.
god he hated her so much!

Does this author have something against capital letters? Is it some sort of vendetta? Did they do something horrible to her? If so, good job capital letters! I applaud you.


pleasee review! i tryed really hard on it! there will be more chappies soon, kk?

... Why?

And that was, horribly enough, the first chapter. There are four more of this... thing, and an AN in which she proccede to explain why all of this... thing is completly legimite.

It is not.

So here comes chapter 2! Fun.

Hana: Alright then, time for the next chappie! I'm sure your all dying for it!

Dying from it more likely.

Sora: Yeah! The yaoi will be coming soon -giggles- And Hana does not own Kingdom Hearts!

Hana: Thanks, Sora! Here's a cookie -gives Sora a cookie-

Riku: You just gave Sora sugar?

Hana: Yeah, so?

Riku: You gave SORA sugar?

Hana: Have I done something wrong?


Riku: Oh no. He'll only be hyper for about a WEEK now.

So NOW he is a hyperactive, overly optimistic, happy-go-lucky fricking HERO.

Hana: It couldn't be THAT ba-


Riku: Yes. It really could.

Hana: Sorry Riku D:

Riku: I hate you.

Someone should really commit this one to a mental hospital…

Dark Thoughts in a Hart of Light

Chapter 2
Selphie, Tidus and Wakka

Suprising, most people who write awful things like this completely forget about them. One point to xXxmRs.RiKu, 33254 points to me.


Because of his meeting with Kairi on the way to school, Sora was in a really bad mood when he actually got to Destiny High. He wasn't just in a really bad mood. He was pissed off. Seeing Riku and Kairi stood by the sakura tree

As long this is not in a CLAMP manga this should be safe, right? RIGHT? By the way, nice use of tenses there. Really.

in the corner of the school field didn't help either. They were both laughing and talking and Sora felt a pang in his chest.

Maybe Riku was replacing him with Kairi? Maybe Riku actually liked Kairi?

No Sora, we already agreed that he only spent all of the first game to find her to beat her up. You don't need to worry!

We on the other hand do.

God, that would suck.

Sora had been sorta avoiding Riku lately because it was really arkward

My spell check is going bat shit crazy over here. It might try to assassinate me in my sleep.

how he blushed whenever their arms brushed or Riku complemented him on his hair or whatever and didn't want to make his feelings totally obvious to his friend.

… I won't even TRY to understand this one.

He knew Riku didn't like him in that way (especially not how he always hung around with Kairi) and if he found out Sora liked him it would get even worse. They might even have to stop being friends, and that would kill Sora.

RIGHT. This is worse than total betrayal how exactly…? I don't remember Sora going all suicide on me in the first game, although that would explain his tendency to walk straight into boss battles without warning me first.

But just because Sora had been hanging out with Selphie, Tidus and Wakka more didn't mean Riku could replace him with Kairi!

The boy stomped across the field to Selphie, Tidus and Wakka, who were talking about blitzball or something. Sora crossed his arms and leant against a wall, watching as the others talked for a while before noting that Sora wasn't talking back.

He was being a real pushover.

"Sora what's wrong?" said Selphie.

Selphie was kind of like a mother to Sora, she was better than the one he had already anyway, and her bright green eyes lined with black eyeliner seemed to stare deeply into his soul.

Cause nothing says evil like black eye liner. YGO abridged ROCKS.

It was creepy. Selphie was usually a really hyper sugar high girl even though she wore dark gothic clothes all the time (like today she was wearing a black miniskirt with red lace and a black tank top with a black hoodie covered in pink skulls over it. She only wore clothes like that so people wouldn't think she was like Kairi or Aerith or one of those bitchy cheerleader girls)

Is this a fashion show or a fanfic? I'm getting confused here.

but sometimes she could get really odd. Like now. "Sora, please tell me. I promise I won't laugh. Is it about Kairi?"

"Um... Yea. Is it really that obvious?" asked Sora, turning to glare at Kairi as she started to put on some brite pink lipstick. She was still talking to Riku and flicking her hair a lot too. If she kept it up she was going to blind the boy.

Is she actually trying to keep it somewhat canony, what with all the blind Riku thing, or was it a joke went wrong?

"Yea, brudda. You keep glaring at her, mon," Wakka said.

I'm confused, is Sora a pokemon or a digimon?

"I know she can be a bit nasty sometimes. Like yesterday when she tripped up my sister Namine in the corridor," said Tidus also glaring at the girl. She had only tripped up Namine in the corridor because she was really quiet and not good at defence and she wore black

And now the author just killed the whole concept of Namine. RIP.

all the time like Selphie and was sorta gothic and didn't wear pink or shit like that.

Too…. Much… High School Musical…. Brain… must… shut down…

Namine was cool even though she was really shy and quiet and mostly she was drawing in her black (white, stop killing canon!) sketchbook. "But still she's not THAT bad. Why do you hate her so much?"

Sora blushed as he looked at Riku and then at all the others. "Well can you keep a secret?" asked Sora quietly, leaning in. Selphie nodded and did the brownie salute and Wakka and Tidus nodded there

Nodded where?

heads so Sora leant in and whsipered quielty "Well... I'm in love with Riku. But don't tell ANYONE, okay?"

Selphie squealed and threw Sora into a bone-crushing hug that knocked the wind out of him. Sora nearly fell over!

Sore suffocated and died. The End.

Selphie pulled herself off him and then grinned with her black lip-stick grin. "Oh! I knew it! I knew you loved him, Sora! You're always staring at him and stuff! God it would be so cute if you 2 went out! Hmn" Selphie thought. "I know! Why don't you write Riku a song? He won't be able to resist!"

"A song?" Sora asked. "That's SO stupid that... that... It might just work..."

There right there is sound logic. "This is stupid, which is why it must work!" Sora, Einstein is proud of you.

Selphie giggled and linked her arms with Sora as the bell went, walking into school with him. "See what would you do without me?"

"I love you Selphie," Sora said with a smile (he meant as a friend though).

Oh, I was worried for a minute. By the way, why are there women in my gay pornz?

"I love you too!" giggled Selphie, giving him another hug in the corridor.

It was at that moment Riku walked past and he shot a very nasty look at Selphie. Kairi turned to him to ask him what was wrong but Riku had pulled free of her clutches and was running down the corridor.

Sora might have been wrong but did Riku look.. .Upset?

Noooooooo really? I didn't see THAT coming.


yay! haha, Selphie/Sora is actually quite cute xD I love Selphie. But that's not the pairing of this fic! XD There will be more yaoi soon, I promise! Please don't hurt me XD Please review!

Can I hurt you? Just a little? Pretty please with strawberry on top?

And it gets WORSE. Augh, I can't edit anymore right now or I might hurl, so I hope you... enjoyed this, I guesse? And I'm out

I object to your objectional objection!
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Post #2
P Dot Alex

Dumb jokes

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post Sep 11 2010, 11:53 AM
Not too bad, actually. Though the guys here prefer their newcomers to post in the Introduction subforum first.

This post has been edited by P Dot Alex: Sep 11 2010, 11:54 AM

I got one of these. C'mon, don't be shy.

"I am very edgy" - Dakari King Mykan.
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Post #3


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post Sep 11 2010, 12:00 PM
QUOTE (P Dot Alex @ Sep 11 2010, 03:53 PM)
Not too bad, actually. Though the guys here prefer their newcomers to post in the Introduction subforum first.

You beat me to it.

Anyways, awesome mock

Did anyone notice the similarities between this story and My Immortal?

This post has been edited by DraculaMarth: Sep 11 2010, 12:00 PM

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Post #4


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post Sep 11 2010, 12:07 PM
QUOTE (P Dot Alex @ Sep 11 2010, 08:53 PM)
Not too bad, actually. Though the guys here prefer their newcomers to post in the Introduction subforum first.

Sorry, didn't see the subforum. Just posted there!

So I wasn't the only one seeing the similarities! Good to know.

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Post #5

Tactician Lv20/Comedian Lv3

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post Sep 11 2010, 02:07 PM
I think they confused "passively" and "passionately" because they are describing a kiss that is in no way passive.

Also why did they feel the need to change Sora's origin from "happy island full of children" to "child of an absurdly young single mother drug dealer/whore"? Why does the author hate panties so much? How did Kairi end up a school talking with Riku if she was clinging to Sora earlier?

Good to know that even people with no taste don't care about blitzball, though.

PPGSlayer didn't quite destroy my love of Fire Emblem. Let's see if HellfireSupremacy's Collected Works are up to the task
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Post #6
Soren Highwind

Feathered prince

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post Sep 11 2010, 04:58 PM
Sweet mock, yo. And greetings, once again.

QUOTE (Paragon)
I want to make a t-shirt that says "Does your grandpa get the pussies wet?"

QUOTE (oneluckyduck)
Soren, you host the worst orgies.

QUOTE (Jackson_Fall)
You need to get that sweet pigeon-ass, Andrew.

Host of the Project AFTER Album Listening Club
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Post #7

Wildlife Photographer

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post Mar 2 2017, 06:27 PM
Hey all smile.gif. We did this one:

Chapter 1&2
Chapter 3&4
Chapter 5&6

So this is how liberty dies. With thunderous applause.
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