True Affection, A Lifetime Original Anime Fanfiic Options

[Protto]

As some of you may know, I’ve been out of touch with the internet, so my snark has gone unexercised as of late. Hopefully, I’ll step back into my game shortly as I mock this piece of shit.

Speaking of which, I introduce you to “True Affection,” a romance epic written by one Mel Meiko Mei Ling that’ll take you on an emotional whirlwind of events until you’re left a bruised and battered shell of your former self. I use this particular terminology because this isn’t actually a romantic epic that’ll take you on an emotional whirlwind of events at all, but it does feature Light physically abusing Misa like an alcoholic old trailer-bred redneck until she’s a bruised and battered shell of her former self. Also, L loves her for no reason at all. Since physical abuse (or lack of it, mind you) has recently played a significant role in my life as of late, I thought it only fitting to tackle this story head-on.

Initially, I had planned to joint mock this with Strass, but since she’s apparently been kidnapped by Serbians and is now lost within the whole human slavery institution, I might as well pick up her slack and go at it solo. Or at least until Liam Neeson saves her and she comes back to help like a responsible PA member.

Quick unrelated side note for anyone interested: I was halfway through mocking the final Glorious Burden cumstain of a story, but since I don’t have my desktop no more and I’m probably not getting it back anytime soon, I’m officially declaring the whole anthology done. Still planning on grilling his ass with a review though.




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Disclaimer: I do not own these characters.

Aww. Chin up, at you least you’re the proud owner of sommodat God-given common se—Oh. Right. Hm.

--

True Affection

Chapter 1- A Mistake

“I’d never given much thought to how I would die…” Oh come on. You know that’s the kind of opening you expected when you read that chapter title.

Steady hums and mechanical blips surrounded L, yet none of them disturbed him.

The next day, a cruise liner and all her passengers were declared lost at sea. Not one person responded to their distress signal. Not one.

Perched in his seat with his knees to his chest, the wary detective meticulously scrutinized the many objects on the screens before him.

The only being in the room at such an hour, he contented himself with an intricately decorated tray, littered with cupcakes and shortcakes alike.

Santa’s taxing job of investigating whether children are naughty or nice drives him to liberal snacking late into the night. S’why he’s so rotund.

Holding his fork between a finger and a thumb, he shoved the utensil into one of the cakes and popped it into his mouth.

He ate the fork too? L is the Iron Giant’s second cousin.

His cool eyes remained steady and unblinking on their multiple targets.

Every room appeared normal.

Watari was occupied with some type of reading and note-taking.

Well, L decided, he was doing something, anyway. All this “investigating” business wasn’t really his forte. What was he, a detective? Pshaw.

Light and Misa's room remained darkened.

An odd thought slithered through L's mind at this. Wordlessly, he sipped his hot sugar-clogged tea.

It wasn't unusual for the couple's lights to be out at such a late time. After all, unlike him, they actually slept.

Hey, maybe that’s why Light was able to kill L. He was much more focused compared to the latter’s sleep-deprived, half-delirious state. Also, L wolfed down sugary treats like a suicidal diabetic while Light probably ate loads of sushi. Just think of the advantages all that omega-3 gave his brain.

But L couldn't help but wonder if they actually slept with each other or otherwise.

It was none of his business, but he was more concerned towards Light's treatment of Misa than their sex life.

L’s responsibilities as a part-time relationship counselor far outweigh the ones that come with being the greatest detective in the world.

The exuberant blonde practically threw herself at Light but he hardly seemed interested enough in her.

Acknowledging her existence seemed to be the most Light ever did towards her.

Most of us call that kind of unhealthy living situation “marriage.”

L didn't count his challenging other's false affection towards the girl as anything more than what it was. A farce.

I spent like twenty-five minutes trying to decode that military-grade encrypted sentence before finally deciding to give up and uninterestedly acknowledge my girlfriend’s existence.

Another piece of cake entered L's mouth.

Again, it was none of his business. Until...

…Light started ignoring him.

“Ryuzaki...”

“Um… Ah… That is… I think… I-I sort of… like y-you a lot…”

The murmur of the small voice immediately tore the detective's attention away from the monitors.

“Miss Amane...”

“N-nani?! M-Misa-chan…! You… I have… Me, as well… I have liked you a lot too…”

his voice trailed off.

Not just because of the young woman that stood before him.

And not just because she managed to walk past the cameras without him seeing her.

But because this version of L is a bastardized, spineless cheap carbon copy without an ounce of originality to his name.

But because of the fresh markings of cuts and swells that decorated her skin.

Usually people would say things like, “Holy shit, what the hell happened to you?!” L, however, enters bystander effect-mode.

Before he realized it, he was out of his chair and standing hunched with his hands in his pockets in front of her.

Not out of rudeness, but to refrain himself from wanting to gingerly touch her face.

What? Maintaining personal space is perceived as rude now? …What?

“D...Don't take this the wrong way!” the girl blurted out without thinking.

“I-it… It doesn’t mean anything weird! Baka!”

L inched a step closer to her trembling form. “Light... Did he do any of this to you?”

Misa: Only about a quarter of it. I ran into like four doors and fell down six separate staircases on my way here. Not necessarily in that order.


“No no! Misa-Misa's Light didn't do anything wrong!” she strongly defended, raising her voice. “These...” she gestured, aimlessly pointing to the incisions across her face and body, “ are all Misa-Misa's fault...”

Technically, she wasn't lying.

Oh yeah, she just thought running face-first into her boyfriend’s outstretched fists would spice up their sex life.

From her point of view, she had been in the wrong. She had messed up an order from Light. A simple, easy order. And he harshly scolded her for it.

I guess that old “sticks and stones” tenet has been disproven at long last.

He had told her that because of her mistakes, he was set-back twice as much than he would have been if otherwise in creating his perfect world.

I’m sure more prescient readers will notice that this very obvious mistake apparently flying over L’s head excellently foreshadows how the rest of this fanfic will play out.

While the woman in Misa cried that it was wrong of Light to treat her in such a way, the lover in her denied all other circumstances and solely believed that her beatings were well received.

Hey all you lovebirds out there, if the above sentence offends you too, say “Aye!”

All Light did was shake her roughly by the shoulders and push her. Her clumsy body was to blame for harshly falling to the cold hard floors and colliding into other tangible objects.

Floors? As in plural? What, did the Japanese task force set up shop in a San Francisco condo?

It was all her fault.

Her fault.

“All my fault...”

All right, fine! It is her fault! What do you want from me?! Money? Take it, take all of it if it’ll get you to shut up!

she murmured under her breath, not bothering to speak in the 3rd person.

L said nothing while he watched this girl practically break into pieces in front of him.

He wanted to console her; sweep her into his arms and let her know someone was there for her.

But Umbridge told him that he mustn’t tell lies.

But she wasn't his to do so with.

You can’t comfort a friend or anything, oh no. You must first establish that your dick will be inside them sometime within the next few hours before any of that “bonding” crap can be allowed to take place.

Still, he decided to concede with her story and changed the subject.

“Have you eaten yet, Amane?”

“Have you been abused?”

“It really was my fault for being such a failure.”

“Huh. Soooo… Ya hungry?”

“Huh?” she blinked, surprised he didn't press her further for information, but also grateful he didn't.

Faintly, the former glint that always wavered in her honey-brown eyes returned.

This telltale glint usually preceded the changing of Misa’s eye color to blue in the anime.

“No, I haven't. Got anything tasty to eat?”

“Plenty if you don't mind eating cake at this hour.” he informed placidly.

Misa cringed and made a face. “Cake?! Ugggh...”

“Still avoiding sweets, Amane?”

“Namely cake in particular!” she made another agonized expression then shook her head.

Misa’s relationship with cake quickly turned sour after she attended Liam Hemsworth’s twenty-second birthday party.

Something in L sparked anew when he witnessed one of the most tender smiles to caress her lips brighten her features.

As he stared at her smile, a sudden inspiration to pursue a career in orthodontics overcame him.

“But what's one going to do? If I get in enough exercise before a shoot, I should be fine! The camera adds 10 pounds anyway...” she rationalized, walking closer to him.

Misa’s regular workout routine involves equal amounts of cardio and aerobics. But usually a good old-fashioned finger down the throat will accomplish in six minutes what exercise will do in a week.

Standing side by side, the two exchanged a mutual expression.

Queasiness.

Comfort.

Oh.

Giggling lightly to lighten the mood, Misa took his arm and led him over to the tray of cakes.

Before he could even utter a word, she began collecting a few of the little cupcakes and biting cutely into them.



CENSORED FOR ADORABLENESS OVERLOAD

A blank stare occupied L's face while he watched her, but he couldn't hide the faint dusting of carmine that fluttered to his cheeks.

Carmine-colored blush? I know L kind of looks like a zombie, but I’m pretty sure you actually have to be dead for your blood to coagulate…

It wasn't until a few moments later he realized she was eating all the strawberry ones.

“Waiiiit stop stop stop, Amane...” he warned, sliding the tray from her reach.

Her eyes were wide with confusion and annoyance. “What did you do that for, Ryuzaki?”

“What happened to eating just one?”

Christ dude, she’s been abused! I think it’s okay for her to have some comfort food. So long as she doesn’t look fat on camera anyway.

“Misa-Misa just couldn't help herself they were so good.” she chuckled, licking her lips and consuming the remaining taste that lingered there.

L continued to ogle her. For a moment, he wished he could sample a taste of her.

L is the modern-day Edward Rochester and totally not the next Wayne Boden waiting to happen.

But his lust melted into disappointment when he caught her sneaking glances at the large slices of strawberry shortcake behind him.“Those would be mine.”

“Hey Ryuzaki, you were the one who offered those dreadful, tasty sweets to Misa-Misa in the first place!”

Yeah, Ryuzaki, you cheap-ass, cubic zirconium-buying son of a bitch!

“That is correct...” he commented lowly.

“So, Misa-Misa is hungry! Ryuzaki better not go back on his words now!”

He groaned. “I'd rather not get into an argument over my favorite dessert with you.”

“Whaaat? That's Misa-Misa's favorite sweet too!”

Is this seriously your big dynamic intro, Mel Meiko Mei Ling (fuck this stupid ass name, by the way)? At least Dawn of the Dinosaurs had a gun going off inside a church—oh Jesus, am I citing DotD as a point of comparison? I’m more jaded than I thought.

He sighed. “Why am I not surprised...”

“Would you share, Ryuzaki?” Misa asked candidly, peering up at him with large curious eyes.

And instantly L's thoughts veered to Light.

And there’s the yaoi overtones, folks.

With a half-frown, he turned his back to her. His alert eyes traveled upto the darkened square of the monitor to Misa and Light's dwelling.

'Odd. Why hasn't he started looking for her yet?' L pondered.

Ryuzaki: I know I mentally noted that he was probably asleep earlier in the chapter, but now that answer seems too simple…

Not loving Misa was one thing, but not bothering to come look for the one that carried the injuries he inflicted upon her was another.

So it’s okay that Light is simply exploiting Misa’s feelings for him without reciprocating any in return, but not caring that people know he smacks her around is suspicious?!

Was Light even aware of those injuries?

“I'm tired...” Misa suddenly spoke up.

I don’t think she even got two bites in yet. This girl must be severely anemic or something.

L turned slightly enough to see one side of her. Her head was hung low and her bangs hid her dejected features from sight. L wasn't sure where'd she'd sleep tonight, but, still, he continued to keep the mood light. “That makes two of us.”

Small talk probably isn’t the best response to someone on the verge of colla--

She immediately perked up.

Alrighty then.

“Do you ever sleep, Ryuzaki?”

“No.” he responded flatly. “That's what so many sweets are for...” he sighed.

Misa giggled. The lyrical sound relaxed them both.

“That's a little creepy, but it seems to work well for you, I guess. Do you ever want to sleep?”

With the perfect, adulterated and truthful response on the tip of his tongue, he turned to her.

Oh God, it’s Death Note Ryuzaki’s Friend all over again! Someone get me the hell outta here before all the half-assed flirting one-liners start appearing!

But one look in her enveloping eyes swallowed up any lascivious advances, regardless of how honest they may have been.

And trite, don’t forget trite!

“There are sometimes, yes, but for whatever reason, I don't need any sleep right now.”

“And you don't blink either. Do you ever close your eyes?”

He sighed. If it were anyone else, he would have dismissed them. But her face beamed with curiosity and allure, he couldn't just turn her away. And he especially couldn't do that when she needed the company of someone who actually cared.

I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that this story will probably put the entire plot on the backburner in favor of this bizarre spousal abuse/tacky romance bullshit. I don’t get it, honestly; you have a whole plethora of story concepts to explore handed to you from a show about a psychological cat-and-mouse game to catch a supernatural serial killer, and instead THIS is what ends up as the main focus. I feel cheated, dude.

Laughing lightly, Misa tossed a few locks of hair over her shoulder and took a few steps back. “That's the last question, Misa-Misa promises. Misa-Misa is getting sleepy so she'll be out of Ryuzaki's hair soon.”

“Misa-Misa’s friends Lisa, Luisa, and Risa (who’s part of the organization BISA) met Tomohisa on the plane ride from Pisa (paid for by their Visas) over to Mexico, where they watched plenty of Televisa.”

“You don't have to go.” he spoke quickly and so softly, Misa didn't catch all of it.

“Huh?”

Instead of repeating himself, he looked away from her. The flickering monitors again carried away his unwavering gaze.

I can see how his attention can be so easily diverted in such a dull, uninteresting situation.

“...I will only close my eyes when I'm dead. Or...” he paused, turning to settle his eyes on her. “...for a very...very good reason.” he stated, imagining for only a second what it would be like to kiss her.

Misa’s lip gloss is laced with cyanide.

“Hmmm” Misa agreed, then yawned. “Mm alright. Time for Misa-Misa to go.”

“...Alright.

“Misa-Misa really appreciates Ryuzaki letting her stop by to talk. Misa-Misa actually really enjoyed his company.”

Exchanging polite words and eating dessert for five minutes = TRUE LOVE

L smiled crookedly at this, but allowed his work to occupy his eyes yet again. “Goodnight, Misa.” he declared softly.

The young blonde caught the use of her first name so casually, but let it slide. “Oh, Misa-Misa almost forgot.” she smiled, walking upto him and standing on her tippy-toes to plant a warm peck on his cheek.

L's eyes doubled in size

…before he sucked in a shuddering gasp as his knees gave out from under him and he collapsed into a lifeless heap onto the ground.

and he turned just in time to see her golden tinted locks flutter behind her—and away from him.

“Goodnight!” her chipper voice called as she ran out of the room.

The dull sounds of technology swiftly returned. But compared to her voice, everything else had been silence.

And so, the only answer to the MS Sea Treasure’s constant SOS messages would continue to be static.

Lightly, L brushed his fingers over the spot her lips brushed against his skin in awe.

Misa Amane had just given him a kiss. Again.

L stood there, motionless while his mind raced. He cursed Light for being with someone so loyal and precious.

Ryuzaki: Damn you, damn you Light! You can murder hundreds of thousands of people in cold blood without batting an eyelash, commit monstrous atrocities against all of humanity in the name of some warped sense of justice, deceive everyone who trusts and admires you, and take advantage of all the people you come into contact with, but hell if I’ll let you break the wonderful free spirit that is Misa Amane!

But, now she was no longer in the room nor within his line of vision.

And yet again, the ordeals of her and Light became none of his business.

…Oh okay. That’s it, huh? So we’re back to square one. Awesome.



-

My first DN fic. Hopefully, it'll be short.

-Mel

That’s what they ALL say.



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*fade to black*

[Zana]

Damn you for that .gif! Sudden Ryuk was too sudden. >>;
But it's nice to read your mocks again.

I'm surprised this isn't a L/Light fic, since those are so popular, but it looks like this is just as bad.

The premise already doesn't make since, because Light wouldn't beat Misa. She's a famous model/actress; if she showed up all bruised and cut, shit would be stormed. He may not like her, but he's not stupid.

[Protto]

But it's nice to read your mocks again.

Thanks, it's nice mocking again.

The premise already doesn't make since, because Light wouldn't beat Misa. She's a famous model/actress; if she showed up all bruised and cut, shit would be stormed. He may not like her, but he's not stupid.

All your common sense has no place here.

[Protto]

Chapter 2- A Regret

This entire chapter is actually a wordy annotation lamenting the author’s failure to attend Borders’ liquidation sale when she had the chance.

--

Weeks quickly seeped through time.

Oh, abstruse speculation about the enigmatic nature of space and time. That’s always a good sign.

Within those weeks, L kept the majority of his attention on his work. As the days went on, L did his best pretending not to be interested in Misa while Light was in the same room.

But when he wasn’t, the size of his erection dwarfed even Ron Jeremy. Not Ron Jeremy’s cock, either; I mean the actual person.

And almost every other day, the young blonde would appear to L with more cuts and bruises badly hidden behind patches of makeup.

I guess those other Kira investigators and all of Misa’s friends and associates assume she’s simply easing into her new acting role, who so happens to be a domestic abuse victim.

When they were alone, they would talk and she would always leave with a smile.

When she and Light showed up together at headquarters, she and L refrained from talking as freely as they would have liked.

L wouldn't have cared if Light were in the room or not, but he did care about Misa's preferences.

And more than before, traces of extra layered makeup could bee seen covering more injuries.

In reality, Misa applies honey on her skin to treat her dermatitis.

“Hello Light. Amane.” L addressed flatly, greeting them both with only a glance.

“Hey Ryuzaki” Light called. He started to walk over to the workstation when Misa firmly grabbed him by the arm.

“Light, wait.”

The almighty god of the new world can only hold down a couple glasses of wine before completely becoming schnockered.

“What is it, Misa...” he inquired, his words balancing weakly between a demanding statement and an acidic question.

Light’s vocabulary has poor vestibular sense.

Misa's body reacted frighteningly to his harsh tone, despite its tamed delivery, and hugged his arm closer. “Could... Could Light and Misa-Misa go on a date tonight? The snowfall should be beautiful later this evening!” she chirped, trying desperately hard to sound cheerful.

A deep sigh wavered through Light and he closed his eyes. “Misa...”

“Not in front of my frieeeeends…!”

“Please? It should be fun!” she insisted. Her wide eyes eagerly searched over his light lids and brightened significantly when he met her gaze with his stern brown eyes.

Light’s eyelids are actually ANOTHER pair of eyes that take up the night shift.

'Maybe he remembered my birthday coming up' Misa thought happily and gave her boyfriend a sweet smile. “Misa-Misa will make sure you won't regret it! Just say yes, Light, please??” she pressed, peering up at him thoughtfully. Her large hazel opals glistened with a beautiful and innocent desire.

I don’t get why most writers – not just fanfiction writers – think human brains are like radio transceivers. Like, as long as other people look at us a certain way, we’re supposed to magically decipher every single emotion they’ve had in the past few hours.

If Light were any other easily swayed male, he would have fallen for her feminine wiles without question.

He glanced over at L, hoping for some kind of helpful response.

Yeah, Light Yagami, who’s such a suave and charismatic guy he’s able to get women to literally kill for him, is unable to keep up the appearances of a relationship to his own girlfriend.

The wary detective said nothing, but scrutinized them both with unequal attention; first settling his eyes on Light, then Misa.



Detective John Munch: Ah, young love; reminds me of a case I had back in Baltimore. There were these newlyweds who’d witnessed a robbery and helpfully wanted to give me a statement. Turns out they were the robbers back at the scene of the crime. Lovely couple though.

Annoyed, Light sighed. He would have pushed her away from him. He had warned her before about clinging to him the way she did. But because of L's presence, he decided against it.

His eyes conveyed a sense of assaulting her, though, and she tipped over backwards when her brain picked up the signal.

Light's shoulders lowered and he pulled his arm out of her grip. “We'll talk about this later.”

“Oh...Light...!” Misa called; the disappointment clear in her voice.

“Why not go out for a date, Light?” L nonchalantly asked before sliding a cookie in his mouth.

“What, are you serious, Ryuzaki?” Light protested abruptly, then adjusted his tone. “I mean, shouldn't we be focused on finding Kira?”

Hey, that reasoning is far too sound and logical! In the corner with Zana now, mister! And don’t you backtalk me!

L's steady eyes trailed over Light's shoulder and fell on Misa's small frame.

It was then that he noticed the long overcoat she wore atop a short dress and thigh-high boots.

Should’ve known Misa was into S&M from the first time I saw her onscreen. At least it explains the injuries.

Analyzing her attire further, he noticed a bit of white protruding a bit from the tops of her wrists and right above the top of her boots.

This might be the first time I’ve seen a fanfiction author describe zettai ryouiki in her story…

Band-Aids, he supposed.

Seamlessly, he returned his dark eyes to the younger male in front of him.

A sort of sly scowl was scribbled across Light's face.



“Hey there, cowboy. What say you and me ride the bronco back at my ranch?”

L popped another sweet in his mouth. “Of course, the two of you do realize that neither staying here or going out as a pair would better your chances of escaping my overall suspicion of you.

You know, one of the biggest reasons L was so suspicious of Light was because the latter was so perfect in pretty much everything he did that it felt forced. If Light is making no attempt to hide his inner Chris Brown, then he wouldn’t seem so impossibly, immaculately inculpable and thus be less likely to be under scrutiny.

“What? That again?” Light jeered, crossing his arms. A smug smirk now occupied his deceptive features.

His smugness is deceptively conspicuous.

L's expression remained unchanged. “If the two of you leave, my suspicions of you being Kira and the Second Kira will increase to 45%.

L is suspicious of the entire dating enterprise. What man of this Earth could STAND fraternizing with those cash-eating abominations with the gaping maws between their legs? L wondered blackly to himself. Not I!

If the two of you remain here or in your rooms as a pair, or as accomplices if the case may be, then my suspicions would be raised to 51%. I suggest the two of you take the lesser of the two evils. But that's only my opinion.” L informed, lowering and quickening his tone as he saw fit.

L replayed his statement in his mind, and lo, he saw it was good. On the fortieth second he rested.

The younger teens merely stared at the perceptive detective with expressions ranging from awe to bewilderment.

But Misa was the first to speak up. “You hear that, Light? Let's go have some fun! Just the two of us!”

“Misa...” Light groaned disdainfully, then paused in thought.

This scene seems familiar… Is the fanfiction operating a wraparound background?

As if someone had flipped a switch, the handsome male walked over to Misa and bent down.

Misa felt her cheeks warm up and her heart flutter wildly in her chest as Light scooped her into his arms and hugged her gently.

“I love you, Misa. You know that, don't you?” he deceitfully comforted, whispering tenderly within the wisps of her bangs.

After putting my mind to the task and studying the subtle personality traits of these characters, I have come to the conclusion that Light was deceiving Misa and isn’t truly comforting her. Boy oh boy, dissecting the multiple layers of this story sure is a blast!

She gasped and returned his embrace. Suddenly within that moment, all the pain she had suffered from his anger simply dissipated into forgiveness and love. Absolute blindly loyal love. “Of course I do! I love you too, Light. So so much!”

“I'm glad to hear you say that.” he murmured. “We'll go out tonight then.” He then lowered his voice to nearly breathless caresses against her soft skin. “And when we do, I want you to do something for me. Can you do it, Misa?”

“Anything.” she claimed firmly, reassuring him as well as herself, that she wouldn't make anymore mistakes.

Whoa there, don’t go agreeing to whatever willy-nilly, sister! Take it from me, you gotta know what you’re getting yourself into before you accept things blindly. A few years back, I made the same mistake, and by month’s end I was on trial for manslaughter, fraud, and public indecency despite being a minor. Don’t ask me how it happened, either.

“Good.”

“Make that 57% for whispering sweet nothings in my face.” L announced, now standing directly behind Light.

Alarmed, but playing it off smoothly as he always did, Light casually turned to L with his hand lightly grasping Misa's arm.

“Well aren't you nosy, Ryuzaki. Misa and I are a couple. We can do things like that.”

Cool. Hey, I’m Protto, I’m this fanfic’s mocker, so I can do things like this:



“Not for long with the way you've been treating her most likely.”

“Probably… Maybe… I think… I guess… Or not.”

L muttered quickly under his breath and turned his back to them.

Light started to pursue him in protest, but a sudden hug from Misa tore his thoughts asunder.

“Thank you, Light!” she chirped cheerfully. “Pick Misa-Misa up at 8 and don't be late!”

And with an excited giggle, she ran off.

After watching her go, L sat in his chair, in his own significant way, and continued indulging in his sweets as he returned to work.

Significant way? I guess L’s sitting position will somehow bring about the birth of John Connor or something.

“Have a seat, Light.”

“What is it?” he asked, running a hand through his dusty locks and heading over.

“Time for us to get back to work.”

“Work?”

“Have you forgotten the Kira case already?”

Say what now? Oh that’s right… This is a Death Note fic, isn’t it.

Light sighed. “No. How could I? You haven't give up accusing me of being Kira.”

Took the words right outta my mouth, Light!

“Mm what about Misa?”

Light shrugged slightly and looked to his intellectual counterpart. “What about her?”

“Is she Kira? Or perhaps she is the second Kira?”

I’m sure it will come as no surprise to anyone that L is one of the top consultants in Guantanamo.

“You never give up.”

“I refuse. Until the facts I've uncovered somehow become false, I have no reason to believe that I am wrong...”

Seemingly unplaced, Light began to chuckle.

L merely glanced to the other male. “What.” he asked emphatically.

Light: Goddamn, Ryuzaki, you don’t have to yell… I’m right here.

“You like Misa, don't you?” Light inquired sharply.

That thing about going back to the Kira case was a great idea. We should do that, shouldn’t we? Yeah, we should.

L faced Light directly with piercing eyes. “Are you Kira?”

There’s a good lad.

“Answer my question.”

“After you.”

“No, I'm not Kira! Have you noticed any killings lately while either I or Misa weren't around?”


Light: And besides, why would I be Kira anyway? What, did I just suddenly WANT to immortalize myself as a vengeful god amongst men after receiving some sort of “supernatural killer notebook” from an archaic deity following years of unfulfilling boredom?! Pfuh, tch… I mean, that’s just crazy talk! Hint, hint.

L returned his eyes to the monitors. “No.”

“Then, there's your answer.”

“Hmm.” L mused, smirking faintly to himself. “I suppose it is.”

Heh. L is so cool and badass and awesome and cool. Oh look, there he is, wearing the cat’s pajamas wherever he goes. Y’know where he’s goin’? You sure do. He’s gonna go where he can stick it to The Man. And what’s he gonna be while he’s sticking it to The Man? Cool as a cucumber, is what. That’s right, so maybe you should just buzz off and play with your little kiddy pals, all you has-beens out there, and maybe, just MAYBE, if you work for it, you can become a quarter of the man L is one day.

Light remained wordless for a moment. His meticulous eyes studied L carefully. “Ryuzaki, you still didn't answer my question.”

“Why does it matter” he trailed off as his cell phone began to ring. Holding it between a finger and a thumb,

Ah, the age old question: are thumbs fingers? Holy shit this fic is so DEEP and INTELLECTUAL my mind is so fucking BLOWN.

he positioned it close to his ear. “Yes.” he answered.”That is correct, I do.” Then hung up.

Those damned telemarketers keep asking if he has enough high-grade silverware.

Placing the phone down, he turned to Light, who sat with a smug yet dubious look on his face. “Who was that?”

“Matsuda. The others will be here soon. I was simply confirming a brief open meeting I wanted to have when they arrive.”

“Alright...”

“Don't worry. I'll be sure to give you and Misa enough time together tonight.” he stated, beginning to walk away from the terminals.

He should know how long they need. He’s been watching their bedroom camera every night now, after all.

“I see. You don't have to.”

“I insist. Now before anything else you say becomes irrelevant to this case, get the door, would you?”

“Huh?”

Hey, look at that, it seems I’ve subconsciously woven my thoughts into the fabric of the story.

Light wondered as a series of pounding rapped on the door.

Heavily, he sighed, then went to answer it. “Coming...”

--

“Oh, Light, look! Look at how pretty the snow is!! It's beautiful! And look at all the Christmas decorations!!” An enthusiastic Misa gushed while clinging to Light's arm, pointing at almost every bright spectacle she saw.

Light: Misa, that’s the moon. Yes, yes, it’s very beau—no, that’s still the moon.

“And speaking of Christmas, a very special day for a very special lady is coming up really soon, Light!”

The Day of Our Lady of Guadalupe isn’t going to celebrate itself, am I right?

“Uh huh. And what's that, Misa?” Light asked reluctantly; his attention elsewhere but on the attractive blonde beside him.

“Mmm, it's a secret!!” then her composed features twisted into a playful pout, “Because you're my boyfriend, you should know! But we haven't been going out that long, so I can forgive you!”

Soon tiring of hearing her voice, Light began to tune her out. His eyes lingered on the large Christmas display ahead of them featuring a huge tree with an abundance of garish decorations.

Staying true to common Japanese tradition, a ten foot tall inflatable schoolgirl loli was placed scrupulously on the tip of the tree by its nether regions in lieu of a star.

Christmas was right around the corner. If he wanted to throw L and the others off his trails, he had to act briskly. But he couldn't be sloppy.

While Misa continued to go on and on about random nothingness of no importance to him, he slid his free hand over the hat on her head and raked his fingers through her hair.

Good thinking, Light. Greater men than L have fallen to the ruinous little devils known as dandruff.

She stopped talking immediately and looked up at him with flecks of expectancy wavering in her bright eyes.

“Misa...” Light began, lowering his voice and drenching his tone in allure.

Better gargle with some Scope or something, dude. That shit stains.

“Will you be able to see anyone's name and lifespan this time of night?”

Despite the unearthly nature of Misa’s powers, dim lighting is enough to render them completely useless.
Instantly alert at his request, Misa tapped into her otherworldly ability and quietly skimmed her eyes over the crowds of people.

“Yes, I can!” she announced happily, hugging Light.

For the first time that night, Light smiled.

But not at her. And not for her.

“Perfect.” he commented, looking amongst their surroundings for the time.

Light sure is easily pleased. I suspect he pats himself on the back every time he sees he’s been able to avoid getting diarrhea for one more week.

8:45 pm.

Leaning down, he glided a hand over her cheek and nuzzled his lips against hers. “I'm going to go back to headquarters. Misa, I'm counting on you to write down as many names as you can in the notebook while I'm there.”

What? But Kira has never had the inclination to kill innocent people. His main targets have always been criminals or anyone he deems to have defied him and his so-called reign. Murdering random faceless individuals is completely counterproductive to his plan of creating a new world inhabited by honest, hard-workers since it would turn everyone against him, not to mention going against his own personal sense of justice.

Impatient with his taunting, Misa struggled to keep her lips lightly touching his without fully kissing him with the exuberance she harbored. “I'll do it.”

Chuckling, Light kissed her gently, gliding his lips through her hair and brushing them against her ear. “Now listen carefully. I want you to make sure you mark all of the deaths as suicides for the exact same time as best as you can. This way, people will think some new cult has started up and will temporarily divert them from Kira.”

Brilliant! Hear that, Gary Ridgway? You could learn a thing or two from this guy. If you’d only misled the investigators by perpetrating another crime seemingly unrelated to your other felonies, maybe you could’ve walked away a free man. Gotta think outside the box, man…!

“I understand, Light” Misa murmured; eyes closed in comfort while she shivered delightfully from his touch.

Um, excuse me, I don’t think I do, and last I checked, I was more important…

“Alright. After you're done, meet with me there.”

“Okay.”

Silently, he swept her into his arms and kissed her. Although Light's embraces were empty, they were everything to Misa.

Everything.

Wait, everything? Sure?

“Remember, Misa. Failure isn't an option for perfect world.” Light gingerly warned, then pulled away from her.

When Misa opened her eyes again, he was nowhere in sight.

And suddenly, she felt lost and alone.

Trying to follow along with the plot of this story, too, are you?

Uncomfortable, she hugged herself lightly as the memories of her recent mistakes stung her heart and nipped at her wounds.

Aimlessly, her mind wandered to L and the care he managed to show her.

One capable of friendly conversation is a queer and anomalous sight to behold, indeed.

She didn't have to do anything specific for him. She didn't have to worry about being scolded in his presence.

But that was the difference between him and Light. She was sure Light meant well. After all, he was the one that sent the criminal that murdered her parents to justice with his own life.

Light. Kira. Her hero. Her lover. She would be in debt to him forever.

My suggestion is for her to hire a hitman to kill his family and then write the killer’s name in her notebook. Then they’d be square.

Or so she wanted to believe.

Then she paused to question herself. Was she really in love with Light? Or was she only in loyal?

Or maybe she’s grammatically inept. Always a possibility.

“Light...” she whispered in doubt. Then she shook her head. She could worry about all of that later. Light had counted on her to do something. And this time, she swore to herself she'd do it right.

--

Idly, L sat waiting for either Light or Misa to return.

“Greatest detective in the world,” my ass.

He knew Light hated going places with Misa and often paused to understand why he continued to date her.

“Greatest detective in the world,” my fine sculpted ass.

It had crossed his mind many times that the teen was only using Misa to obtain his goals. But what were those goals? And why would he use such a person?

It couldn't just be because of Misa's loyalty. And probably wasn't just because of her manipulative status as an idol. There had to be more.

It’s ‘cause she’s such a great piece of ass. Nowhere near as good as me, of course, but still pretty hot.

Vigilantly, L eyed the cell phone in-between his fingers that belonged to Light.

Watch out, AT&T, L is on you like drugs on a Mexican. None of that “dropped-calls” funny business or you’re getting hauled off to the slammer.

If Light returned to base ahead of Misa, chances were high that Misa would contact Light in someway to let him know of her accomplishments or...failures. Or whatever else.

This way, L would be able to make final accusations and bring Misa's abuse to public light. And have the culprit sent away.

If it so happened that the culprit was also Kira, then that would be even better.

L wanted to see Kira's capture personally.

Maybe only nobody would buy that statement, and unfortunately, I’m one of those nobodies. Quick suggestion: try to not say something like that right after dedicating half a dozen sentences telling the audience that L’s priorities are completely backwards.

Then he could show Misa how much pain and torture she had dragged herself through and liberate her from it.

But after that...

“Just who is he...” L murmured, becoming submerged within his thoughts.

No, L. The ones with the lumps on their chests that pitch tents in your pants are “she’s.”

On an unrelated note, that joke reminded me of Fergie. I want to kill myself now.

At that moment, the door swung open and Light trudged in. “Hey, Ryuzaki.”

And he was greeted nonchalantly without being faced. “Hello, Light.”

“Did anything happen while I was out?”

Ryuzaki: I asked the employees of AT&T if any of them were Kira. Can’t fool me. They kept dropping my goddamn calls, and now, ohoho, I am SO onto them.

'While he was out...' L pondered. “Where is Amane?”

“Oh, she still wanted to look at all the lights and decorations. If you ask me, it's all just a big waste of energy.”

“Yes. It is.” he responded, slipping the cell phone out of sight.

Yeah, heheh. Women. Hahahahaha! Ahhh. Heh.

“Anyway. I didn't plan on staying long. I just wanted to stay alert for anything that may have come up.”

“I see. Anxious to catch this criminal?” 'Or eager to watch your handiwork' he added to himself.

I honestly have no clue as to what L is referring to anymore. Is it the murders or the abuse…?

“Yeah, actually. But I felt really uncomfortable being down there with Misa nearly pulling my arm off. I told her to meet us back here whenever she was done. That's the last time I go someplace like that with her again.”

“I see.” L stated plainly, feigning disinterest.

Thinking he took the bait, Light casually checked his watch. 'Don't mess up, Misa.'

Aw yeah, L took the bait, and now Light’s master plan of… hold on, what was L being baited into again?

--

Cautiously and as if possessed, Misa scanned random people's names and jotted them down in her Death Note. Her heart pounded and her head swam with determined thoughts of success to please Light.

Think she might’ve accidentally seen her own reflection in a store window without realizing…

After each name, she'd write down same time of death for them all to commit suicide under.

'Light is so smart', she thought serenely, ' This would take so much attention from Kira. And soon the two of us would be able to live the perfect life together in his perfect world!'

But unknown to her, she also wrote down the location of death as the same place she was in now.

She unknowingly did it with complete knowledge of what she was doing.

And that meant no matter where those people were headed, they would undoubtedly return to the festive square and all take their own lives in front of other witnesses.

But none of that bothered to occur to her as she gleefully wrote the last name she could remember down.

There’s your sweet and lovely, innocent butterfly, L. Ain’t she a doll?

Closing the notebook, she scampered off into a deserted backstreet and pulled out her cell phone.

--

Light waited impatiently for L to return from the restroom. Anxiously, he looked at his watch for the umpteenth time and cursed Misa. What time did she set everything to anyway?

Right? Geez, Misa, would it have been so hard to just set the time Light’s eyes were telling you to make everything happen at?

Growing aggravated by each passing second, Light fished into his pocket for his cell phone but was shocked when it wasn't there.

“Don't panic” he whispered to himself and checked his other pocket, then his whole outfit. “Did I drop it?” he wondered, then frowned when another possibility hit him.

With a groan, he stood to his feet and started off in search for a certain detective.



Det. Munch: Looking for me so soon? Distance does indeed make the heart grow fonder, my friend. Now if only my second ex-wife didn’t know that.

--

Whistling to himself, L stood in the middle of the bathroom holding the phone. When Misa's number flashed by, he instantly opened the phone. Without saying a word, he held it close to his ear.

“Light! Light, I did it! I did exactly what you asked me to do. I'm sure I did it right this time, so there's no reason for you to be upset anymore!”

“Did he hit you, Amane?” L spoke placidly.

Naturally, L’s immediate response to Misa’s quasi-confession is to ask her if she’s being smacked around by her boyfriend.

Misa inhaled sharply. “R..Ryuzaki?!!”

“Did he hit you
”
“Wh-Where's Light! Put him on the phone!”

“Amane.”

“Stay out of our business, Ryuzaki! And no Light didn't hit me! He loves me!”

“Then what are the band-aids for? Certainly not a new fad.”

Silence.

This is the strangest 911 call recording I’ve ever heard.

“Misa...” L began, speaking softly to her, “It may be none of my business, but you came to me that night you were injured instead of staying with your precious Light. Multiple times you came to talk to me. You made this my business.

So which is it? Is it your business or not? Don’t act coy, Ryuzaki.

And being the 'gentleman' that I am, I'd like to help you.” he slightly mused.

16% of that offer was musing, 82% was rhetorical, and the remaining 2% was the mescaline talking.

“...”

“Misa, talk to me.”

“You...you wouldn't understand Ryuzaki.”

“Or perhaps you don't want me to understand.”

Someone is going to get thrown into boot camp; I’m just not sure which one.

“Ryuzaki, please.”

“If Light is the one doing these things to you, I want you to tell me.”

“No.”

“No?”

“So it was someone else? Oh, that’s okay then. Anyway, back to the Kira case.”

“I said no!”

“Then what would Light be so upset about?” he asked coolly.

What would Light be so upset about if he was falsely accused of physical abuse? I dunno… Could be a whole mess o’ reasons. My first guess is that the whole thing might devolve into some kind of awkward, off-base situation, and Lord knows everyone hates those.

“....Christmas....” she muttered

“Hmm?”

“He just forgot about something happening on Christmas... I was a little disappointed.”

“Are we playing a game now, Misa? You're speaking in riddles.”

It’s like after the pot met the kettle, they both went back to the pantry and started having freaky, drunken, barely legal sex involving a lot of literal spooning. Then a month later they drove to Vegas to get hitched because they forgot to be safe and put on the Teflon-coated helmet.

“No, Light isn't abusing me, Ryuzaki. No one is. I'm just clumsy that's all.”

“I see.”

“Well whomever it is that is hurting you that you are hoping to protect, I plan on tracking them down in addition to Kira.”

He could hear her voice tremble. “Why are you doing this? Why do you even care?”

Those are good questions.

L chose his words carefully. “Because I can and secondly, because I just do.”

And those are the worst answers ever.

“You're nothing like my Light...” she confessed in a hushed voice. Obviously, it was meant to only be said to herself.

But L heard.

“I don't want you getting hurt.”

“...”

The Spice and Wolf writers got jack shit on Mighty Mighty Moss Lones.

“It's as simple as that.”

“Where is Light?”

“Looking for me most likely. I'm a bit surprised he hasn't found the right restr--” he trailed off as the door flew open. “Nevermind, here he is. Speak to him as much as you like.”

“Just as I predicted!” Light screeched as he stomped into the bathroom.

“Give me that!” Light yelled, snatching the phone from L and pressing it to his ear. “Hello?”

Nothing. He was met with a busy signal.

Ryuzaki: I warned you, AT&T!

Looking over the device, he discovered that Misa had called.

Misa.

Rosebud.

Angered, Light's brows furrowed as he pinned his piercing gaze on L. “What did she say to you.”

“Nothing of interest to you. You never seem to care anyway.” L shrugged, starting to walk past Light.

*fades*

When we return to Ends of Our Lives…

“Hey!” Light shouted, grabbing L by the shoulder. He would have punched him for invading his privacy, but even more so from the possibility that Misa could have told him their plan.

But instead, he forced himself to remain cool-headed. “Don't go stealing my stuff and running off with it.” Was all he said.

And that was all she wrote.

L half-smiled and continued on his way. “Funny, you didn't seem to care that I talked with Misa.”

His indignation not three seconds ago was all a ruse to hide his apathy.

“That isn't true. But it doesn't bother me if my girlfriend wants to talk to other guys. She knows she's with me.”

So Misa was forced to set up this entire elaborate scheme just so she can talk to L on the phone? Damn, Light is even more controlling than he lets on. And he doesn’t seem to care that he lets on quite a bit to begin with.

“Hmm I see. Lying is very becoming on you, Light.” L stated calmly, then turned to face him. “But that's what makes you human, I suppose.”

Light cringed at the degrading remark, but hid any discomfort. “Just don't do it again. I don't care who you are.”

“Hmm. Oh, look, the news is on.”

Either L’s unconditional love for Misa magically granted him x-ray vision, or Tommy Wiseau is scripting this.

“What?” Light asked, snapping back into investigator mode and hurrying after L.

--

Almost to the end.

-Mel

You’re not being honest really
You’re really not and ought to be
Take an honest look at yourself
Try a little honesty


----------------------------------------------------------------------------


Detective Elliot Stabler sat back with a huff as he gazed lazily down at the leaning tower of paperwork on his desk, feeling a mixture of self-satisfaction and hunger settle in. Stretching his arms behind his head, he closed his eyes and let the day’s events run through his mind for a moment before a voice pulled him back into the present.

“First time I’ve seen the ‘to do’ pile so empty in four years,” Olivia Benson remarked, crossing the squad room and flopping into the chair opposite her partner.

Elliot hummed a vague note in agreement, only half-listening to her before suddenly perking upright. “Jesus, you’re right… Your pile, my pile… They’re empty. We’re free. You already filed all of yours away?”

“Done and dusted,” she answered, smirking.

“All right,” El said slowly, “all right. I’m going to, uh, put mine away while you get the car. Go slow, we don’t want Munch to have a bitch fit and alert the captain that we actually have free time.”

“Chinese place down the street?”

“Read my mind; so many cheeseburgers this past week I’m practically a heart-attack waiting to happen.”

The two rose from their seats and instantly froze when the door to their captain’s office flew open. Donald Cragen stepped out and spared his two detectives a flat glare before posing a terse, “Going somewhere, kids?”

Elliot and Olivia both faced their C.O. with sheepish grimaces so uncannily identical it would have made Cragen chuckle in any other circumstance.

“Finished up early, Captain,” Elliot said as nonchalantly as he could manage. “We’re goin’ to grab a bite to eat.”

“Good. You can go check out a tip we got a few minutes ago on your way there,” the captain deadpanned, before returning to his office.

Resigning, both officers sighed and trudged dejectedly towards the elevators with Munch’s gleeful holler of “Go easy on the peppers for whatever you bring back for me!” following them down the hallway.

[Zana]

I think L needs a trip to the logic corner, because that was some piss poor detective work right there.
And man, it really does sound like a Life Time Original.