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> Friendship is Life, Return of the Son of the Retard Blades
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post Feb 8 2017, 04:34 AM
Welcome everyone to another mock, courtesy of DashGorilla Studios! This time, we'll be dealing to the sequel of a previous work we mocked, Friendship is Life, courtesy of our old friend, Alejin. I've recieved reports from my partner Dashguy, that this fic will crank up the edginess, but considering how I dealt with a dueling Ghost Rider, who was fighting off the minions of Freddy Kruger, I should be able to handle it. One thing I will point out is that the author got a beta reader, and from what I saw, his grammar has improved considerably. His story telling skills however...not so much.

So let's kick things into hyperdrive, and tear this shit apart!


“(Pant) (Pant) I. . . I can’t believe how hard this is!”

Masturbation's not the easiest thing to do, when you're obese.

“I need to be more agile, my body feels so heavy. I need to get used to this, damn! Wonder how THEY manage to live like this!. . . well, they’ve been living like this all their lives.”

What’s the point of this? Does the author honestly expect us to believe this “mysterious character” is not his freaking self-insert?

The one saying that was a guy training in an improvised gym down in his basement. It had been the same routine almost every day for week; obviously this young man’s love for his training sessions was no secret to his neighbors. But what really caught their attention, were the tripping and gasping sounds while he was exercising, like a baby learning to walk. And not only that, but many of them could swear hearing the sounds of hoof steps. Then again, knowing him and not wanting to get too involved, they decided to let him be.

And can you blame them for not wanting to get involved? The guy's most likely insane, babbling on about how he kissed Moe Horse.

Call me dirty minded, but it sounds like the guy has got a pony down there and is struggling to have sex with it.

The sound of someone tripping made its echo all over the basement.

“Damn. . . . This one really hurt! At least it happens only one or two times a day now (I’d like to see the THEM in my shoes, that would be funny) but I have to admit it, this stamina is really something; I’ve been training for 2 hours and haven’t sweat a bit. Hehehehehe! Now I can really believe THEY harvest all those apples by themselves”.

At that precise moment his phone rang, it was his friend Steven:

Oh hey, one of the faceless friends from the first story now gets to have a name. I wonder what he'll have to do in order to earn himself a personality...

What do you mean “being Alex’s friend does not count as a personality”?

“Hey Steven. . . what’s up?"

“Hey Alex, I’m fine and you?”

“I’m doing fine.”

Fascinating conversation. You can truly feel the bond between those two.

“Great! Then, can I and the rest of the gang come to your place in 10 minutes?”

“Umm. . . well. . . right now is not a good moment, how about in an hour?”

“Alex. . . You are in the gym aren’t you?”

“(Sigh) yes…”

“Alex! You know you should be resting! You got out the hospital only four weeks ago and the doctor said no exercises for at least a month.”

“I know, I know, but I really get bored at home. . . and you know I don’t like to miss my training sessions. Besides, I waited for three weeks! Trust me, my wounds are healed now.”

You have a shit ton of video games at your house; how the fuck can you be bored?!

Concerned Gamer had already commented on this in the mock of previous installment, but it’s worth repeating. This guy is Batman minus everything that makes Batman a fascinating character. Much like Bruce Wayne, Alex is a rich orphan who decided to train his body to the peak of human capabilities. But where the Dark Knight did it to bring justice and hope to the citizens of Gotham, this cocksucker did it all to imitate his favorite video game character and cosplay at conventions.

“Uhg fine! We will be there in an hour to celebrate your birthday party as we planned ok?”

“It was today!? Damn!, sorry I forgot. Ok! See you in an hour.”

Jesus Christ, not this. In my experience, the self-insert’s birthday is the biggest freaking excuse in the damn book to have every other character suck his metaphorical penis. And here we have it, on the very first freaking chapter.

“Excellent! It will be awesome! All of us will be there, we got the cake and foods so don’t worry and get ready for a good beating in Street Fighter. We got much better while you were absent.”

Wait a minute. Alex is supposed to be rich; money is not a problem for him. He said so on the very first chapter of the previous story. So why isn’t he the one putting the food and drinks on the table? I don’t care if he prefers small gatherings instead of large parties, he should be the one picking up the food and ordering pizzas for everybody!

mmmmmmm Pizza....

“(Alex rolled his eyes) Ok man, whatever you say. . . but I still think it’s a bit unfair! You know I haven’t played in months, even so, I can still beat you dude.”

“Hahahaha! We’ll see that!”

“Ok Steven, see you later!”

“See you later Alex and please remember. . . be careful if you go out, that asshole could still be out there”

What asshole? You mean the guy who thinks your assassin cosplay is utterly stupid?

“(sigh) I know, thanks” (Steven. . . you’re always worried about me)

“And Alex, just one more thing. . . do you still these have nightmares?”

“Yeah. . . I do, but don’t worry; they will stop sooner or later. I’m sure about that”

“Ok then. . . see you later” (hangs up the phone)

Man, that Steven is such a swell guy. Always making sure to make the right questions to give Alex an excuse for exposition.

“I’m sorry Steven, for lying to you and the rest”

Alex took off his special pendant and went upstairs.

He remembered that day at the hospital…

A couple of days after waking up on the hospital where he was found, he had to answer some questions to the doctors and the police, he had to explain not only what happened during that night, but where he had been for the last two months as well; the explanation was brief and simple: he told them about his adventures and how he loved to travel to new places just to spend weeks away from home. His friends, knowing him and his adventurous spirit could very well confirm that. Regarding his injuries, he said it was an armed assailant who asked him for his wallet and phone: he told them he refused to give him his things and tried to fight back but he was stabbed twice by this guy who then ran away. . . He lost consciousness and woke up in the hospital; he came to the conclusion that maybe a good guy found him and brought him there. Why was he found in the newborn babies room was beyond his understanding. Given he didn’t have any police records they let the issue be and exited the room to let his friend Steven come in.

Holy shit, that paragraph! That aside, all it is, is Alex lying about how he ended up in the hospital.

The guy disappears without a trace for two whole months, only to re-appear unconscious, shirtless, armed with his blades and covered in blood on the middle of the newborn’s room in some hospital and the police eat up his shit because he’s got no records? Why not just say he bribed them all?

Steven immediately hugged him and said:

“Alex!! I’m glad you are ok! Is it true? That a mugger attacked you and left you like this? No offense dude but so much for your training”

“None taken (Wow! No mule feeling? I guess it only happens in Equestria)

Your jokes are as funny as watching a clown get mauled to death by wild boars.

For the uninitiated, allow me to explain. There are a couple of instances in the show were character X says character Y is “stubborn as a mule”, only for character X to turn to the side and apologize, with the camera revealing a mule who answers with “none taken”.

what can I say? He surprised me and well. . . he was such a skilled guy.”

“Yeah? Well, let’s be happy you are ok. Care to tell me where you went this time?”

“Before I answer that. . . please tell me, how is everything at home”

“Fine as always, you should be really thankful for having me to take care of your bills and other stuff while you are out; and don’t worry, as we agreed, if you are absent for more than a week. . . I’m in charge of keeping your place safe and locked. In return I can crash there whenever I want, I kinda made a couple of parties. . .well a LOT of parties to be honest, but don’t worry, nothing was stolen, not on my watch”

"However, I had to sent your body pillows to the laundromat. Chad spilled his coke all over them."

So Alex got another dumb teenager to take care of his shit? Why not hire an accountant or some kind of profesional? And notice how Steven, instead of just saying “I took care of everything, as always”, basically turns to the readers to provide more exposition.

“Hehehe!, Thanks Steven. Back on topic, I just went to some random place again.”

“So. . . you always go wherever the road takes you, uh?”

“Yeah. . . something like that.”

“Ok?. . . .But why didn’t you tell anyone about it?”

“I’m sorry. . . but it happened all of a sudden. Funny for such improvised trip, I ended up meeting some new and unique friends; I also learned many things. It was a great trip without a doubt!”

Here's a thought, why not bring your friends to Equestria with you? They can each pick out their pony waifus for themselves.

I feel specially nipticky today. Notice how he doesn’t want to tell anybody about Equestria, but at the same time he cannot resist boasting about the stuff that happened there. It’s like a perpetual struggle between the rational part of his brain and his dick.

“I understand. Anyway, I’m. . . We are glad you are ok, the rest will come later; for now I must go but I’ll be back soon, see you later”

“Thanks Steven, see you later”

Thanks for the gratuitous exposition, champ!

After getting ready to meet his friends at home, Alex went upstairs to his rooftop. While looking at the sky, he thought:

“I wonder how Spike and Everypony else is doing right now. I hope they are ok, well at least they are safe from that asshole now. I’d love having him out of my dreams. Damn! Even after his death, he still makes my life impossible”

Ol'Blueblood refers to the cupcakes that Alex and Pinkie made, as 'common carnival fare'. Oh and he also has sex with Moe Horse.

And now you made me picture this scene from Happy Gilmore with Blueblood instead of Shooter McGavin.

Alex was shaking; he still had the memory of that day. He hadn’t been the same since. He didn’t show it but the feeling of almost dying left him a little scared. And not only that, he started to have nightmares about his last moments with Blueblood, being stabbed and killing him, nopony knew this, but he felt really guilty for killing Blueblood. He killed a pony; a tyrant pony, but still a sentient being. What would happen if someday he managed to return to Equestria? Would they accept him again? Would there be punishment for Blueblood’s death? Would they be scared of him? He shook that feeling off; he knew his pony friends would never turn their backs on him. Besides, every time he thought about them (specially a shy Pegasus an a little white unicorn) the nightmares and negative thoughts vanished and he remembered that IT had to be done. He needed to go back and let them know he was ok, but he was scared for something else as well, that place almost became his tombstone. Maybe that world didn’t want him there. It didn’t matter, he was determined to go back, at least one more time and then come back to Earth for good. After all, it was now possible to go back thanks to the “return to the start” spell (but appearing in the newborn babies room again would be hard to explain) even so. . . if he was going to return to Equestria, he’d have to take some major measures to ensure his and his friends’ safety. Maybe he was a little paranoid now.

Another big as shit paragraph. Holy fuck, my eyes!

*ahem* Now then, that wall of text has Alex worrying about the ponies reaction to him slaying Blueblood. Nevermind the fact that he's a self-insert, who can do anything to the ponies, and they'll still worship him, he admitted that he slayed a tyrant pony. That'll be like if I started worrying about how the public would feel, if I had killed Hitler.

You and I are going to have a small chat about what “improved considerably” means, GorillaGamer. Having said that, this paragraph is a fucking mess. His feeling of nearly dying let him a little scared, eh? Thanks for the clarification, I don’t think we would’ve noticed otherwise. Blueblood was a tyrant, but a sentient being. Do you also regret killing the Manticore King too? And I love how he says IT had to be done. Queen Chrysalis, who had her own freaking army of shapeshifters and could surpass Celestia if feed properly with enough love, was taken down by non-lethal means, but Blueblood, a snob who relied mostly on the power of a dark magical artifact had to be killed for the sake of Equestria. Sure.

He was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t notice it was past the time for his friends to come. He came downstairs to call them over the phone, but all of a sudden…


“AGHHHHH. . . .PINKI P. . . . STEVEN!!. . . .That was pretty good, you all really got me guys” (Damn! why do I always forget Steven has copies of my keys?)

I pity you, Steven. In only two months, you have been replaced by a freaking cartoon pony in this jerkoff’s friends list.

“Yes we did! Were you going to call me Pinkie Pie?”

“(Gulp) Nope!”

“You are lucky I’m half brony as well dude, ok. . . come here, let’s celebrate; even though it is really not your birthday, just try to enjoy it. Too bad you spent it in the hospital”

You see? Bringing this Steven fellow to Equestria would only make your life better.

“Hahahaha!, Trust me Steven after being stabbed, spending those three weeks in the hospital was like heaven”

Everyone laughed at this and started to party; the food was good, Alex ate hamburgers and hotdogs like crazy. Since the day he was allowed to eat solid food again, he didn’t stop eating all kinds of meat and strangely drinking lots of coffee and sodas. When the party was over and everyone was gone, Alex cleaned up the place. He then sat on his couch and watched some MLP DVDs. He watched the whole 2nd and 3rd seasons: how Spike saved the Cristal Empire as well as Discord’s attack, which then was reformed by Fluttershy. According to his calculations, he came back before this, he wondered if somehow his actions altered the course of history (It was obvious the death of BlueBlood didn’t have to happen), even so, he still couldn’t believe Twilight would ascend to Alicorn (That was so unexpected!). He could not wait to meet his new princess friend again, after watching some more episodes he went to his bedroom to get ready to sleep, but a piece of paper on the wall caught his attention. The same piece of paper his friend Luna gave him that night. He admitted to have some doubts about the theory of the oak tree being a portal; but these doubts disappeared when (around last week) he went to the oak tree and waited for several hours to see if something would happen, when he was about to give up… IT DID; a bright light started to shine around the oak tree, meteors where crossing the sky, the light lasted for around 20 seconds and then it all disappeared. He wanted so bad to jump into the light and travel back to Equestria, but he knew it wasn’t the right time, not yet; his body was still healing and he needed to get ready to make his life in Equestria more. . .comfortable, not to mention he had some promises to fulfill, “nope, not this time” he said.


“He needed to get ready to make his life in Equestria more comfortable.”

I wonder what are the chances this entails carrying a bunch of shit like an iphone, laptop or any other garbage to impress the ponies with?

Bu-But Video games!

“Ok, according to this, I still have one more chance this year, the next meteor shower will be in around three months from now and is the last one listed here. If I miss it, I will never know when the portal will open again! I need to get ready.”

Back in his bedroom Alex fell on his bed and started to write a “to do” list, a way one of his friends got in his head (Thanks for that Twilight)

“Ok. . . let see. . . I will need: 1) A really big truck . . . 2) Learn to drive a truck.. . 3) . . . .”

Is he going to die in a car crash like his family did? Talk about a coincidence.


Twilight was sleeping in her room at the Cristal Palace. As a princess, she had to attend to meetings with the other Princesses; she closed her eyes and started thinking about these meetings. Because of this, she couldn’t notice a mysterious cloaked pony changing her Crown (her Element of Harmony) for a fake one. This mysterious figure almost got away with it, but tripped on Spike’s Tail and the noise woke up everypony. Twilight and her friends started to chase this pony that ran away after being noticed. When Twilight finally caught him (or her), they started to fight. Feeling that defeat was imminent, the mysterious pony threw the Crown directly to a mirror, but it didn’t break it! It passed it through! The thief said something to Twilight, and then jumped through the mirror as if it was a portal, leaving everypony wondering who or what this pony was.

Please don't tell me we're going to sit through Equestria Girls...

As much as I'm neutral towards the show, I find the entire Equestria Girls movie series to be utter nonsense.

B-But the Rule34, man!

By the way, Twilight’s castle is called “The Castle of Friendship”, author, you fucking cretin.

ALEX GYM (2 days later)

Alex kept doing his training sessions every day. He really had improved adapting to his new body, he stopped tripping and started to run faster and faster, he knew it wasn’t that necessary for him to train like that; after all, his true form was more than enough for him, but he really didn’t want anypony to make fun of him, if he managed to go back to Equestria of course. Not to mention that training in this new form was something else, something that no other human would ever have a chance to do. Besides, he didn’t want to waste his Friend Princess Luna’s gift (in a way, it was funny because he was supposed to never use it in the first place since it was a just a parting gift) and somehow it helped with his nightmares, maybe for the fact it was made by Luna, the Princess of dreams, he could still remember the precise moment he found it…

I'm guessing Luna's gift was a couple issues of that Playpony magazine bronies obsess over.

So Luna’s parting gift, which he wasn’t supposed to use, was an item that allows him to transform his body? Why not a simple handkerchief or bracelet? Why not something that actually reflect the culture and history of Equestria instead of some magical bullshit?

After three weeks of long waiting, Alex was finally released from the Hospital with the doctor’s order of not to do anything harsh for at least a month. Putting on his old shorts and new shirt brought by Steven, he finally could go home, he thanked God for his friend Steven taking good care of his house and paying his bills, since everything in his house was working, electricity, phone, cable and water. He had to make a fast travel to the supermarket since the fridge was empty (obviously). After a good meal with lots of bacon and soda, Alex sat on his couch and played on his PS3 for hours, while playing, he felt something in his shorts was hurting him. He paused the game to see what it was and was surprised to find a little envelope with a black ribbon on it. He stared at it for some minutes and then remembered.

“Ahhhhh! Luna’s birthday Gift! Let’s see what it is!”

Alex carefully opened the envelope and found a really cool Pendant. Its shape was like the Star Wars resistance insignia with a little blue sapphire in the center.

So now there's Star Wars thrown into this? Because why the fuck not?

I just want to take the opportunity to bring a small detail to attention.

Everyone laughed at this and started to party; the food was good, Alex ate hamburgers and hotdogs like crazy. Since the day he was allowed to eat solid food again, he didn’t stop eating all kinds of meat and strangely drinking lots of coffee and sodas.

After a good meal with lots of bacon and soda,

Don’t you love when, between all the fantasizing about parkour and martial arts, some aspect of the author’s real life leaks over the story?

Hey, what's wrong with eating lots of bacon? It's delicious.

Inside the envelope, there was a piece of paper which Alex took and started to read it:

“Alex my Friend, I hope you enjoy my gift, you have shown us so many beautiful things about your world, now let me show you how we see our world. This pendant is very special, only an alicorn is capable to make one. Be warned, when you wear it for the first time, be sure to be alone and stand in front of a mirror, it’s a surprise I know you will like, and please, DON’T PANIC, the last one (A Griffin) to wear one many centuries ago, almost died from a heart attack.”

...you mean Peter Griffin wound up in Equestria, and wore a pendant that turned him into a pony?

As much as I don't like Family Guy, I wouldn't mind seeing that, if only for a laugh or two.

Why the fuck doesn’t she explicitly tell him what does that shit do? Why do we have to endure all this pseudo-suspense bullshit?

“. . . . . Ok?”

Alex went immediately to his room, closed every window and stood in front of a mirror. He put on the pendant and then he started to feel something strange was happening to his body, a warm sensation that didn’t hurt, he felt his face and nose growing bigger, he wanted to look at himself on the mirror but a bright light emanating from the pendant blinded him! The bright light lasted for a couple of second. After the light disappeared, Alex found himself lying on the floor, unable to see anything; he tried to stand up but couldn’t keep his balance, he was about to fall full face on the floor but his powerful front legs stopped it from happening. He was feeling comfortable standing on his new four “legs”. He felt warm, like having a full fur costume all around his body, with so many questions in his mind, he slowly started to open his eyes and tried to look at the mirror, thanks to Luna’s warning he was able to hold himself together and not to scream, what he saw in the mirror was so unreal… the magic of the pendant turned him into a pony!. . .but not an earth pony, he was a UNICORN!, he immediately noticed he didn’t look like the ponies of his world. . . it was hard to explain, he was exactly like the stallions of MLP, like a CGI animation, he was cartoonish but at the same time real, “so this is how they’d look like if they came here” it was amazing, he had every Brony and Pegasister’s Holy Grail on his neck. Without a doubt any of them would kill have this pendant in their hands. As if it wasn’t amazing enough, all of his clothes (literally all of it) adapted to his new body. “How is this possible?” He could spend all of his life trying to understand how this worked, but he came to a simple conclusion. . . “MAGIC!”, (Like trying to explain how Twilight’s clothes appeared when she traveled to the other world) his clothes transformation was so precise that even his shorts had a little hole for his tail, a beautiful spiked tail, the same color as his black spiked mane, his fur color was mustard, not too yellowish like Fluttershy’s and not to orange like Applejack. And on top of that, after removing his shorts, he could see his very own CUTIE MARK! It was the assassins’ insignia with wings on the sides, (maybe it represented True Justice, Flying Justice or something like that, anyway who cared what it symbolizes “it looks really cool!”)


That aside, holy shit that has to be the second ugliest pony coloration I have ever seen. The only one that trumps that, is that Zach Larson chump.

I think these kind of character designs are the result of a Brony being aware he’s watching a children’s show while also being insecure about his masculinity. Notice how most of them have traits that you could describe as “badass”. Darker colors like black, blood red and brown. Names that include words such as lightning, thunder, flare, blaze, blade, sword, etc. Elaborate Cutie Marks often depicting weapons. Special talents geared towards violence, like close combat, fencing, ability to throw fireballs, etc.

Your grammar may have improved, yet your drawing skills haven't.


“Oh Damn!!! This is Awesome!”

Alex tried to walk, but immediately fell on the floor, he stood up and fell again.

“Ok. . . this is not what I was expecting.”

Credit to the author for not having his self-insert get accustomed to his pony body in just a couple of hours. Then again, the whole training thing was just all telling and no showing, so it’s practically the same as nothing.

Alex was smiling and holding his pendant in his hooves.

“Luna. . . . No words or actions will ever be enough to thank you for this, I promise to take good care of this and never let it be in the wrong hands, Ok. . . I need a little more practice moving with this new body, but for now. . . . I think it’s time to start practicing a little MAGIC!”

Good! Why don't you start off by creating some whiskey out of thin air?

I wish he did. Honestly, when you realize everything that happens on this story is to facilitate the self-insert getting a blowjob, shit becomes really boring. I mean, why else would be gain the power to become a pony if not for everybody else to “ooh” and “ahh”? Especially Fluttershy, whom I bet my left testicle is going to comment how handsome he looks.

Alex continued reading the piece of paper:




Everypony was in Celestia’s bedroom listening Twilight’s story and the adventures on the other world. After she finished her story everypony was shocked, Rarity was the one to break the ice:

“So. . . are you telling us you became a human? Like our darling friend Alex??”

“Yes Rarity, I did”

Oh thank fuck we skipped the Equestria Girls shit!

I’ll take Equestria Girls over this monstrosity any time.

“Wow, tell us darling, how did it feel?”

“To be honest girls, it felt strange. . . I mean, walking on two legs and having hands was really confusing, not to mention the shock of not having my horn and magic”

Rainbow said: “Even so, I think that’s awesome! You saw the world like as Alex did. Amazing!”

“Ok sugarcube, ironically, after everything we have been, through all this time, ah can understand about yah turning in to a human and even visiting their world, but tell me. . . are yah completely sure it wasn’t Alex’s world?”

“Yes Applejack, sadly I’m pretty sure, even though they looked almost exactly like the humans Alex showed us on his computer, I know for sure his humans didn’t have colored skin besides peach and brown tones, I even did a little research and there wasn’t any country called Guatemala there, it seems it was a different Earth, I’ll dare to say it was more like another Equestria considering your humans counterparts”

Hearing this, Princess Celestia said: “It’s exactly what Alex and I were talking about. . .Many worlds are so similar and so different to each other, I’m afraid our possibilities to find HIS world would be like trying to find a needle in a hay loft.”

Feeling a little depressed, Rarity said “I see. . .(sigh) too bad. I’d like to have more news about him, at least to know if he had the funeral he deserved.”

Unfortunately, the fucker got better before I could throw his body into the ocean.

After saying that, everypony went sad, Fluttershy more than everypony else, she covered her face with her mane to not let the others see her tears. More than a month had passed since that horrible day and the wound was still open. Spike looking at this said:

“Girls c’mon, cheer up!, Alex wouldn’t like to see us like this, as he used to tell Fluttershy, he wanted us to be happy, he left this world without regrets, let us make him proud in the afterlife”

“You are right Spike, let’s be happy, after all, we were able to retrieve my Element of Harmony and even made new alien friends, considering everything, I think we should have. . . .”

“A PARTY!” Pinkie Pie said.

Because it's the only thing she does, when she's not imitating Dexter.

“Yeah!” Everypony responded.

While going their way to celebrate, Twilight thought:

“Alex. . . . I’m happy I found more kind humans besides you, I’d really like you to be here with us right now.”

“TWILIGHT!!! ARE YOU COMING??” Asked Pinkie Pie

“uh?. . . oh yes, I’m coming”



EARTH (two Months later)

Alex was in his home moving lots of stuff inside cardboard and wooden boxes and storing everything in his garage. Many of his neighbors didn’t even ask and quickly lost interest since they all knew him. They thought maybe he was buying some more “gadgets” to use on his “crazy adventures”, but what really caught their attention, was the new truck he just bought; when someone asked him what in the world he would do with a truck, he answered:

“I will make another trip very soon and I need to bring a lot of stuff with me this time, to be honest, I can’t be sure if I’m going to come back soon.”

So he's ditching his friends, just so he can frolic with ponies.

Our protagonist, everyone!



EQUESTRIA (Carrousel Boutique)

“Happy Birthday Sweetie Bell!!!”

Everypony screamed when she entered the house alongside Rarity. she fell on her back but recovered quickly; she noticed her crusader friends were there, the mane 6, Zecora, Spike, Miss Cherelee and every foal of her class, even Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “Well Pinkie Pie never leaves anypony out of a party” she said to herself.

Oh yeah, I forgot Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were spared from Alex's wrath.



“That was the idea silly” Pinkie Pie said

“Thanks everypony. . . I mean it!”

“No need to thank Sweetie Bell, yah is our friend and we love yah” Applebloom replied.

“Yeah! Never forget that Sweetie Bell. Now c’mon, let’s party!!” Scootaloo said.

Now that looks like a tasty cake!

If extremely bland looking.

Everypony started to celebrate; the party was great, there was music, dancing, lots of snacks, games and a big cake, everything was perfect. . . at least for everypony except for her. It was a really great party and all, but something was missing, someone was missing. Almost four months had passed but she was still thinking about her big brother, she promised to herself to continue and move on but it wasn’t as easy as planned. She knew he died a hero, saving everypony and her. . . but she really missed him. She was happy and cheerful all the time, but she couldn’t help thinking about him, how she wasn’t even able to say goodbye, not even having a photo of him to remember. She couldn’t help it, and started to share some tears.

Everypony misunderstood her feelings.

“Ohhh, she is so happy she is crying” Pinkie Pie said.

Rarity knew her sister enough to know those weren’t tears of joy, she approached her and asked:

“Sweetie darling. . . what is going on?”

“Nothing. . .nothing. . . really”

Oh fuck off with that big brother shit! The last time I read about a character referring to a self-insert as their brother, was when Nino called Dimitri her brother, in that SovietRussiaMan fic.

Believe me, you do not want to give me flashbacks of that..."author".

“Sweetie Bell. . . please remember I am your sister and I know you enough; you are sad, please tell me what is it. . . . oh! you are thinking about Alex aren´t you?”

(Sweetie Bell nodded)

“Ohhhh Sweetie Bell, come here” Rarity hugged her sister “I know how you want him to be here but you can trust me, he is here with all of us and he is always watching us from Elysium”

“hic. . . hic. . . I know but. . . I miss him too much.”

Someponies and Fillies started to share some tears as well, they didn’t get to know Alex as Sweetie Bell and the Elements did, but they knew how much she loved him and how hard was for her when he died. Applebloom and Scootaloo hugged her too.

“Sweetie bell. . . trust me, we miss him too, he was like a brother to us, (Scootaloo noded) but yer sister is right, he is with us, he loved yah and yah loved him, ah know even in the afterlife he can feel the love yah have for him”

URGH! Cut out this soap opera crap, and get on with it!

Sweetie bell wiped her tears and smiled.

“Thanks Girls, I needed to hear that, you are right! he is with me, with us! Sorry it’s just. . . Sometimes I just need somepony to remind me of that, ok. . . Now lets continue to party!”

Everypony cheered and continued celebrating.

Later, it was time to eat the cake but not before making a wish and blowing the candles.

“Ok Sweetie bell darling, just make a wish and blow them off”

Sweetie Bell thought for a second before smiling and blowing the candles off. Everypony cheered. While the others were eating their slice of cake, Sweetie Bell went out to the balcony, she looked at the stars and the night sky, Applebloom and Scootaloo joined her:

“This party was awesome. . . Pinkie Pie is truly the best of the best” Applebloom said

“Yeah! I hope mine is as good or even better than this one” Scootaloo said, Sweetie and Applebloom rolled their eyes.

Yeah, fuck her for hoping her party is just as good as this one!

“By the way Sweetie Bell, what did yah wish for?”

“That’s a secret. If I tell you, it will not come true”

“That’s true, Ah hope yer wish comes true Sweetie bell”

“I hope so too Applebloom.”

The three of them went back in. Sweetie cried in her heart, as if someone was listening:

“Please. . . please let my wish come true. . . please let me see him just one more time; a ghost; a spirit; an angel, I don’t care. Just… let me say goodbye to my brother.”


Please forgive me!


EARTH (now)

“Wow. . .What was that feeling?”

Alex was loading everything inside the truck he was going to use in two days when he felt it, it was something nice and warm, the same feeling when thinking about his sisters Angela and Sweetie Bell. His heart, more determined than ever: “I must go back to Equestria”, he couldn’t fail to go back in two days . . . he just couldn’t.

And we end off our first chapter of Friendship is Life 2: Assassin's Boogaloo. How deep will this rabbit hole go? Only one way to find out...

Have you noticed how we still don’t know the name of this guy’s parents? Just saying.

I have; the author may as well have made Alex and Angela orphans, and have her get killed by some generically evil matron.
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Post #2

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post Feb 9 2017, 03:37 PM
Sweet merciful fuck, this shitty author, again? The one who I in my nightmares refer to as The King of Ellipses.

Already this sad excuse of a story has trouble picking itself up, insulting me with a few issues.

If he was trying to pretend anyone was surprised by him turning into a pony, he probably shouldn't foreshadow it both with the word 'form' and that he was trying to deal with how 'they' lived like that. Not only that, I don't watch the show nor read fanfics of it, but even I can call out such an obvious cliché.

For a title and intended theme of 'friendship', neither the author nor his self-insert seems to grasp the concept that much. What does his friends do in interacting with this guy? Display mild worry for his health and have a party that ends on the same sentence it starts. No one even cared to show interest and ask him where he had gone before his hospital stay. This is what I'd expect from people who just indulges this guy because he's rich. "Yeah, he was gone for months, doesn't tell us anything, and is leaving again to who knows where, but he's loaded and has a PlayStation, so who cares."

And then there is the eye-rolling subplot along this idiot packing his truck, merely establishing the perfect hole he left behind for himself to fill out again. That's like if I wrote a novel about myself driving home late at night, and I switched to my family members making my bed for me.

The mock is already coming along nicely. Can't wait to see what disaster this fanfic will turn into, once this idiot sits back under that tree, which I suspect pierced a gas pipe to allow him to hallucinate from whatever point his cartoons left him off with his fantasies.

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post Feb 13 2017, 04:08 AM
Thanks for the comment, ConcernedGamer.

Welcome back to Friendship is Life. In this chapter, Alex attempts to drive a truck into a tree, hopefully joining his family in the process.

It was a beautiful night at the Park. Everything was quiet and peaceful with no one around, except for the crickets and a big truck making its way through the bushes. Alex thanked God that the place was empty. He still had some time left before IT happened.

The guy brought himself a truck, filled it to the brim with shit and is now driving it through a freaking public park in the middle of the night. I don’t know why do I even bother at this point.

He remembered the things he spoke with his friend Steven a few hours ago:

“Alex, are you sure?”

"Yes Steven, I am"

“But you came back just a few months ago and got severely injured. Are you sure you are ready for another trip? You always used to plan your trips several months before going out.”

“That’s true, but I really have to go. I don't have time for any preparations.”

“It's about a girl, isn't it?"

Alex must betray his friends, to make Moe Horse happy.

“What? No, of course not! Well, yes but not the way you think it is. She is like a sister to me.”

A sister that kissed you in the mouth as you were about to die. Incest for the win!

“That may be true, but I feel there is something else. Alex please, you are talking to a Brony who spent almost five months trying to get his Pegasister friend to become his girlfriend. Even if you don’t realize it yet, you have that look in your eyes, the one you have when you are in love.”

It would have been easier to convince her, had she not seen your Rule 34 collection.

“She didn’t get a restraining order, so that counts as being my girlfriend, right?”

“Really? (he blushed a little) Ok, you got me dude. I'm making this trip to see some good friends and “family”. I’d be lying if I don't say I want to see some people more than others, but I am really not sure if I feel something else for her, maybe I do.”

“Ohhhh!, my little friend is in love!”

“Oh come on! I just don’t know man, it’s complicated.”

“Hahahah! Easy dude, I’m teasing you. But seriously, I’m glad you found a girl you like and if she likes you too, just go ahead. I really don’t see the problem.”

“Well, I can’t deny feeling attracted to her, but let just say we are different (a lot different).”

“So, let me get this clear. Besides everything you need to do there, you are also going on this trip to find out how you really feel about her, right?”

Yeah, yeah. Now hurry up with the truck crash, my popcorn's starting to get cold.

“Something like that, I want to know if it could work.”

“Wow! Alex, you really changed. I’d even say you have grown up; don’t get me wrong, We all like the way you are, but sometimes we thought you needed to become more mature. I’m glad to see you have, I don’t know what happened to you during your last trip, but IT made you change.”

You’re not a man until you kill a pony with the knives you made with help from a YouTube video.

“Thanks Steven (I think). I wanted to tell you I’m leaving tonight and I’m not really sure If I will be back any time soon. Everything is set, regular and emergency bank accounts are ready for you to handle, the place is all yours while I'm absent. You do remember what to do if you don’t hear from me in a year, right?”

Is Alex really trusting this chump with all his money?!

I like how the law is completely uninvolved. Guess Guatemala doesn’t have anything like the IRS.

(Steven nodded)

“Good! One more thing, please don’t try to call me. I’m going to a Place where you can’t reach me over the phone or the Internet. But don’t worry, it’s not a dangerous place (most of the time).” Alex said.

“Ok, whatever you say man but, no internet? no phones? Where the heck are you going? Come on! at least tell me that!”

“Ok Steven, you really want to know where am I going?”


“I’m going to Equestria and the girl I feel something about is no other than Fluttershy.”

They both looked at each other, Steven stared at Alex for a few seconds before exploding with laughter.

“Hahahahahaha nice one dude! nice one!”

*GASP!* How dare you mock the love of Alex and Moe Horse!

“Yeah! (I'm glad you took it that way Steven, and not thinking I'm crazy). I just had to say it. Anyway, I'm sorry but I can't tell you anything else.”

“Well, that’s too bad but, hey! I have known you for so many years. Sometimes you need to keep some
secrets to yourself. Anyway, I wish you a good trip.”

They hugged each other and then Alex got in his truck.

“Alex! Before you go, just know one thing”


“We care about you Alex, and we noticed how you have been in a low mood since you returned, I feel it’s because you miss the friends you have back "there", but I also notice how your face changes when you talk about that girl and this place you want to go back to. I think she is very lucky, It would be really sad, but if she is worth it please stay with her. Because as far as I can see, it looks like bringing her here is not an option. Please be happy Alex, after everything that happened to you, We all think you deserve it.”

Thus giving Alex the excuse to ditch his friends forever. At least Steven has all of Alex's money.

I hate Alex for all the reasons we’ve already mentioned in the previous story, but I also dislike his so-called “friends” too. Because, as Concerned Gamer accurately pointed out, they act like they are more interested in his money, showing the bare minimum concern for his well-being while simultaneously supporting everything he does, no matter how crazy or just plain fucking dumb.

I mean, the guy got himself a truck, filled it with God-knows-what and is going to drive who-knows-where to meet some girl who may like him or not. All of this after he went missing for two whole months, suddenly re-appearing on some hospital with severe wounds. Any sane person would be calling the police, wondering if the guy got brainwashed my some kind of cult. Instead, these guys encourage him, which conveniently coincides with the fact one of them has been left in charge of all of his money.

You raise fairly solid points there. Me personally, I never cared about his friends, due to the fact that they aren't even qualified to be characters.

“Thanks Steven, I somehow needed to hear something like this...


And here we have the real reason these “friends” exist: to suck his dick, like everything else.

Alex was on his way to the park, but needed to make a stop on a very special place. He parked his truck and brought a bouquet of roses with him. After walking through a beautiful place, he finally reached his destination, three tombstones shinning bright under the moonlight.
“Hi Dad, Mom, Angela."

They still don't have a name! Jumping Jesus on a rusty pogo-stick!

"I’m sorry I haven’t showed up lately but I’ve been kinda busy. I’m sure Angela told you that already. You see, I’m planning to make a long trip to see my pony friends; my other sister and to see HER. I'd give anything to know what you think about it, you know, dating a pony and all. Please don’t get me wrong, even I have my own doubts, she is a pony! I know I can transform into a pony now, but I am still a human and was raised as such. I am supposed to date human girls, there are so many things going on in my head now and I would really like you to help me get my mind clear.

If in the end we are not meant to be together, so be it. A part of me wishes we are. I wanted to say I
love you and goodbye. Well, it all depends on the decisions I make, I may not be able to come here in a very long time, so please be. . . . No! I will not ask you to be proud of me again. Angela made it very clear to me.


While Alex is talking to his dead family, I would like to point out that Peri is best Fire Emblem waifu of all time.

I admit I haven’t played many games in the Fire Emblem series, save for the one with the girl with her green hair in a ponytail wielding a katana (I liked her character), but anybody who introduces herself with “I'm Peri! P for pulverize, E for eviscerate, R for ruin, and I for impale! Kee hee!” has my approval.

Going back to this “story”, notice how the author still doesn’t write any kind of descriptions for the characters’ gestures, actions, etc. He just goes ahead and plasters the freaking dialogue like a damn cue card.

A little backtracking here, but I believe the Fire Emblem game you're talking about, is Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken/Blazing Blade. The character you mentioned was Lyn, one of the main protagonists of the game. Considering how Blazing Sword was the game that got me into the franchise, it holds a special place in my heart.

Alex said a little prayer and then went back to his truck. As soon as he turned his back on their graves, he felt small warm hand on his shoulder and a breeze on his hair, it made him feel the same as when they were together. He didn't even turn around. He let his tears come out and smiled:

"Thank you Dad, Mom and Angela. Please keep on watching me until we meet again.”

The feeling went away, as he walked back to his truck. He wasn’t sure of many things but one:

The nightmares were now over!.

How’s the saying? Easy comes, easy goes?

Why is his hand over his crotch...?

And what’s that thing on his face? Did a bird shit on him? By the way, I love how he can’t even bother to draw Mom and Dad. Between their lack of names and this shit, I’m picturing them like the Mom and Dad from “Cow & Chicken”; in this case, a pair of disembodied, floating arms.



The Mane 6 and Spike were having a nice lunch at Hoofdonalds before going to the park to see the last Meteor Shower of the year. Suddenly Pinkie Pie found herself smiling, it was her Pinkie sense. She had this warm feeling as tears went down her cheek. Noticing, Spike asked:

“Whoa! What was that Pinkie?”

She smiled like she used to do before Alex´s death and kept staring at the roof while smiling.

“Pinkie? Are you ok?”

“Oh! sorry, this feeling, my Pinkie Sense. This “combo” is very rare and I love it when it happens.”

"You mean the chocolate-coated vibrator?"


Good old chocolate. Is there anything we can’t mix you with?

“Why Pinkie Pie? Can you please tell us why you like it that much?”

“It love it because it means that soon I will see somepony special to me. Somepony I haven’t seen in a long time. Maybe it'll be my sister Maud, that would be great!”

The fun thing about Pinkie Pie’s “Pinkie Sense” is that it doesn’t make a lick of sense. For example, her tail twitching indicates stuff is going to start falling and an itchy back means it’s her lucky day. The combos are even more ridiculous, with stuff like ear flop, eye flutter and knee twitch meaning “look out for opening doors”. Here, her combos are terribly mundane, without mentioning clichéd. “My heart aches, my body trembles and I’m crying! Something bad is going to happen to somebody I like!” No fucking shit, Sherlock! Why don’t you go join the club of little girls in horror movies who have premonitory nightmares?

Wow. Thanks for the handy info!

“We are happy for you Pinkie darling, now let’s finish our food, the Meteor Shower will start in a few minutes!”

“Ok!” Everypony agreed.

After arriving at the park, Princess Celestia and Luna from Canterlot used a powerful spell so everypony could hear them around Equestria:

They have their royal voice thingy, why bother using up magic when they already have the necessary equipment.


At that moment, Princess Celestia and Luna's horns started to glow, everypony could feel their powerful magic all around Equestria. As they looked up, the meteors started crossing the sky.

Spike remembered how he met his best friend Alex after a meteor shower like this:

“Alex, I hope you are looking at this wonderful show from above the heavens.”

And then a truck falls out of the sky, crushing everyone into a pancake!



Alex was still away from the Oak tree. He felt nervous that someone was around to see what was about to happen. All of a sudden, like the first time he went to Equestria, the Oak tree started to glow. Alex saw this from the distance, he stepped on the gas and headed right into it:

"I only have twenty seconds!"

Proportions, what's wrong with them?! Why is the truck twice as big as the tree?

Was this scene really worthy of a visual representation? Why not the farewell with his friends?

Everything was according to the plan, except for one thing; he didn’t expect the uneven ground on the park. The truck was moving as fast as it could. He couldn't stop, no time to hesitate. He kept stepping on the gas, it had to work! Otherwise, crashing against the Oak tree at that speed would be fatal. It was either Equestria or Jail (in case he survived the crash).

He kept driving but it was too late, the time was up. He felt as if a dagger stabbed his heart, he couldn't believe it: Everything he hoped for: Equestria, his friends, his sister and HER! It was all gone!

Oh well, there's plenty of bronies Moe Horse could date.

The last time he got transported to Equestria when he fell asleep under the tree. Why does he have to charge it at full speed now? Why not just park the truck next to it and wait?

He was about to stop the truck but noticed that the light was there! The tree was still glowing!

“What the Hell?!"

"Its lasting longer than before!"

With renewed faith and hopes, he kept driving, full speed. Until he finally reached it. The light was painfully blinding but he didn’t care. As soon as he passed through the light, he found himself driving in a forest. He stopped immediately. Luckily, he didn’t hit any tree or ran over any creatures.

Thank goodness he didn't kill any creatures. Otherwise that would have been a conflict, and conflict is bad in these stories.

He turned his head to see the tree behind him but it was no longer glowing. He took a look around and immediately recognized the place:



I’m not saying he should end up in the middle of a freaking volcano, but a bit of adventure would be nice. Maybe end up in some remote town where you have to drive back to Ponyville, all while stopping on the road to help those in need.

After the Meteor Shower was over and everypony was heading back home, Fluttershy heard something long in the distance, it was like the sound of a train engine. It was coming from the Everfree Forest:

"Oh my! what was that sound?"

Too scared to go check by herself, she decided to let it be.

"It was probably my imagination!".

However, she couldn’t stop staring at the forest with a smile on her snout.



Pinkie Pie was on her bed when she started to feel the same “combo” she felt before:

"Chocolate-coated vibrator, here I come!"

“I know that somepony special is here! In Equestria; Ponyville; Canterlot or Fillydelphia. But where are you?”


"This was awesome!" Alex said. He was able to come back to Equestria. The forest was obviously the same: "How much can a forest change after four months?".

There weren't any creatures around when he arrived, maybe they were sleeping or got scared. Alex wanted so much to run to Ponyville and see everypony but he knew he wasn’t exactly in a friendly territory. Maybe the manticores wouldn’t be a problem, if they remembered him. However, the

Timberwolves or some other creatures were still a danger. He went back into his truck and started driving
to the Sister’s Old castle.

Yeah...that wasn't me. That was in the original fic.

First, it’s the “Castle of the Two Sisters”. Second, again with the same fucking shit as the previous story! How many chapters will be have to wait until the makes his presence known to the ponies? Four? Five? Does the author know what “pacing” means? Is somebody holding a gun to his fucking head and forcing him to write a certain number of chapters per story?

Oh...you caught on to one of this stories biggest flaws.

"I hope none of the stuff I brought got broken" He said.

He wasn’t sure of many things but one...


I’m happy too. See how happy I am? I’m so happy. Wee.

I've always wanted to ask this question, since it's been bugging me a bit. In all of the fics you've mocked, there have been OC's who end up getting shipped with Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity. I haven't seen a fic where the self-insert is paired with either Applejack or Pinkie Pie. Is there a reason for that?

This is not to say that there aren't stories where Applejack or Pinkie are the "love interest", but I think it has to do with the characters' personalities. I mean, Fluttershy is the closest thing you have to an actual "waifu"; kind, caring, loving, soft spoken, etc. Twilight is close second with her "cute, nerdy girl" persona. In the case of RD and Rarity, I've seen a lot of stories that pair them with some kind of "badass" protagonist, often a soldier. For RD, this means turning into a delicate flower that needs to be saved. For Rarity, I think the appeal lies of the contrast between paring a classy lady with a rough and tumble, badass dude. At least this is what I can tell you from my experience.
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post Feb 15 2017, 04:06 AM
Here's a little fun fact in regards to this chapter. The author originally intended to have his ponyfied OC met up with the Mane 6 in one chapter, but due to a lack of time, he split it up into two chapters.

“Due to a lack of time”? What the fuck does that even mean? Again, was somebody pointing a gun at his head when he wrote this? Is he getting paid for it? This is just like those people who apologize for their atrocious grammar with “I posted it from my phone”. Fuck you, there’s absolutely no fucking reason, beyond the gun one, you couldn’t have done a couple of re-checkings before posting it, you lazy assclown.

After coming back to Equestria by going through the light on the Oak Tree, Alex managed to bring some stuff in a truck he hid inside a cave near Sister's Old Castle. He was so tired from what happened that he decided to unload these things on the next day.

How convenient the Everfree Forest has roads and a big enough cave for a large truck to traverse and park comfortably.

He entered the Castle and went straight into his old room. It hadn't changed at all, everything was still there in its place, as there were also the memories from the last time he was in Equestria. Thinking about all of these, he went to sleep. On the next morning, Celestia's Sun was shinning as bright as always, everything was warm and calm. Despite all of the things he went through in Equestria, Alex still missed the place: "Everything is so peaceful and calm here, I wish it was the same back on Earth".

What with all TEH EVUL war and terrorism and bullies and thieves and and....

You’re inside an abandoned castle in the middle of a fucking forest, of course it’s gonna be peaceful and calm, you absolute cretin.

After having some breakfast, he went back to the cave and got ready to unload the things he brought with him. It would be a difficult task if it wasn't for Luna and the detailed explanation about basic Equestrian magic she gave him:

It’s fucking magic, you don’t have to explain it.

"Alex, there are three basic types of magic in Equestria: Telekinesis, Written Spells and Spell Casting:

Telekinesis is based on the user's determination, focus and will power. Somepony using Telekinesis has to clear the mind and focus on the object they want to move.

The second one, Written Spells. is performed by reading a magical spell written by a powerful magic user. It doesn't require to much from the one reading it, besides from the knowledge of what the spell will do in order to avoid desastruous consequenses.

Much like how a spell check is used to avoid 'desastruous' spelling mistakes.

The last one is the most difficult of the three, Spell Casting. It is not necessary for the user to recite the name of the spell they are casting. Instead, it is required to learn and memorize somethings we call RUNES. By thinking on different runes you can "cast" powerful spells that vary depending on the runes you are focusing on and the order you give them. Knowing their exact meaning and order is necessary for you to get the desired results, otherwise the spell will simply not work or worse, it might end up back-firing.

Some ponies have a natural talent for casting spells, like Rarity using her Gem Finder Spell or Shinning Armor and his Force Field Spell. We do not know everything about magic yet, for it seems it has its own favorite users (Twilight is a very good example of this).

Alex, please keep in mind that emotions are very important when using magic, if a heart is in peace and harmony, the spells will feel the same. But if the one casting a spell has a corrupted heart or is full of hate, the spell will be dangerous and destructive.

...I have no knowledge on how magic works in the show, so I can't say if what he's writing is right or wrong.

All this stuff about runes is bullshit the author came up with, probably in an attempt to make this piece of literary turd look more interesting or complex. The actual show doesn’t delve much in the actual workings of magic. What little we know comes mostly from Twilight. Stuff like saying a certain spell needs concentration or that she has to have an object in her line of sight in order to break a spell over it. Or this line: “magic is something you study and practice. It only happens when you decide to do it, and it's meant to make something specific that you choose to happen, happen”. The same goes for dark magic. There is a mention of “hate and fear” when Celestia does a demonstration of it, but nothing conclusive. In short, magic simply does whatever the plot needs.

The medallion I gave you, will let you canalize magic just like everypony else in Equestria, please take good care of it."

While reading these things Alex, remembered how Twilight used a Written spell in the third season finale or how Celestia and Twilight were able to use Dark Magic without any problems, "maybe there is a way to fool one's own mind into thinking it is corrupted so Dark Magic can be used", not that he wanted to use Dark Magic anytime soon but he was curious about it.

If you didn't want to use dark magic, then why ponder whether you can corrupt your mind enough to use it?

Because he’s going to use it at some point, I bet. Probably when one of the bad guys threatens his waifu. You know how these dorks love the “dark and edgy alter ego that comes out in times of extreme stress” trope.

Ah yes...I remembered encountering this trope in The Tenth Shadow.

Luckily, Luna’s explanation included a lot of "runes" for him to learn and memorize so he could cast different spells:

"Teleportation, Gem Finder, Force Field, Moustache Growing...

Moustache Growing? hahahaha! Thank you Luna, I guess."

It was a freaking joke on a single damn chapter, you comedy impaired imbecile.

Bringing the boxes out of his truck and moving them into Sister's Old Castle was an easy task thanks to the detailed instructions Luna gave him on her letter. Alex was very impressed on how easy it was for him to learn to use Telekinesis, he became a true "professional" after practicing every single day during a month. Even though he suffered from painful headaches during the first week, they disappeared as he kept on practicing. He also practiced some other spells and how to use the runes written on Luna's letter.

"Memorizing this runes reminds me of Naruto's hand positions" - Alex thought.

Thank you for reminding me on how much of a massive dork you are.

Alex remembered the night he tried to use a Teleportation Spell. To make it work, he had to memorize six diferent runes. In theory, it wasn't that hard, but doing it while focusing all of his magic in his horn and thinking on the place he wanted to go to was very dificult. He focused on every single rune and the order he had to use them. When he was done, he was able to teleport but instead of going into his living room as he wanted, he ended up floating some meters above his dinner table; the noise he made when he fell on it was so loud that it woke up one of his neighbors. Fearing that he would come looking for him, Alex took off his pendant, immediately turning into human again.

"Sorry for making so much noise! I just came to my kitchen looking for a glass of water and endded up breaking some dishes." He told his neighbor who was already near his kitchen window trying to see what had happened.

"I just hope you are ok son, I better go back to sleep now." - His neighbor said.

Thus solving the conflict of the broken dishes.

Didn’t this guy live in a mansion alone? Where did this neighbor come from?

The same place where his relatives come from.

Alex thought it would be better not to use that spell again. At least, not without enough practice.

"Twilight makes it look so easy, she must be a genius!"

One who spent most of her life studying. Not that you would know anything about that.

Once Alex was done moving every box into the biggest room in the Castle, he sealed the entrance with rocks. He hand't realized how late it was, it took him almost all of the day to finish the job. Feeling tired, possibly because of using Telekinesis during most of the day, made him want to sleep.

"I hope my friends like the gifts I brought for them!" He said before closing his eyes.

Aww. Gag me with a rusted spoon.

PONYVILLE (SugarCube Corner)

Pinkie Pie having everything ready for a party at her place. There were lots of balloons, board games, snacks and music,. Seeing this, Mrs Cake said:

“Pinkie dear, why are you preparing a party? You met somepony new today?”

“Nope, its not a somepony new. My Pinkie Sense showed me that will see somepony special to me that I haven´t seen in a while.”

“Oh! Ok. If your Pinkie sense says so, then continue dear. I hope it’s a good pony.”

“Trust me! If it was a meanie ponie, my Pinkie Sense wouldn´t be like this.”

“Ok Pinkie Pie, I won´t make you waste your time anymore. Save me some cake.”


Such invigorating dialogue...

Pinkie Pie? Preparing a party? What kind of sorcery is this!?


Everything was set, it was the time. Alex was ready to go to Ponyville and see everypony again. He wanted so much to let them know he was still ALIVE! However, he needed to make sure everything was alright (He had killed a pony and didn´t know how everypony felt about it. How would Princess Celestia and Luna feel about it?)

Considering that it was Blueblood you killed, they would throw you a party, and suck your dick.

He put on his magical pendant and immediately transformed into a Unicorn, his clothes changed with him as well. He had some doubts about using his clothes, but not using them would leave his Cutie Mark exposed and would blow up his cover.

You know what else would blow your cover? Those distinctive clothes you're wearing.

So much for friendship that he’s got to disguise himself and check everything is to his liking before appearing.

“I still don´t feel THAT comfortable going around butt-naked anyways.”

He needed some Bits or Gems to buy some supplies so he used Rarity´s Gem Finder Spell, even though he used it for the first time, he was still able to find some Gems before getting tired for using magic.

After walking for a while, he finally arrived to Ponyville. Alex was a little nervious about being recognized, but he managed to pull himself together: “I don´t look like a human being anyways…” The memories of everything that happened in Ponyville were still fresh, he had so many questions in his mind. What would they tell him after finding out he wasn´t dead? How to apologize for killing Blueblood? He took control of his emotions and kept on walking.

I admit I’m interested in the second question. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the ponies aren’t going to hold a grudge towards him for killing Blueblood. I just want to see what will they say once he apologizes. “You had no choice”? “He deserved it”? “I would’ve killed him myself”?

Everypony was doing their usual stuff: buying, selling, going to work, even the little ponies were runing around. It seemed as if nothing bad had happened in Equestria.


Did I do it right?

Make sure you add some extra AAA on “face”next time. Also, is he really wearing sneakers?

He was so happy to be there that he couldn´t notice somepony getting close to him from behind. Equestria´s best party planner, one of his best friends, Pinkie Pie was right next to him!

“I have never seen you before”

Alex´s heart stopped beating for a moment, he turned around and saw her. The same look in her eyes! The same bright smile he loved! He wanted so much to tell her who he was and hug her, but he couldn´t do it. Not yet.


I think I can answer this.

You see, Toby reappeared in order to defeat some random dragon that was causing chaos in Ponyville. His actions make sense, given how much of a cocky musclehead Toby was. Alex here, prefers to stay hidden from the ponies. Why? Either he's waiting for another Diamond Dog attack, or he's attempting to blend in the crowd, just like in Assassin's Creed.

You have learned well, GorillaGamer.

“Girl, you are smarter than you look!”

Yeah, I’m sure it’s that and not the fact you’re dressed like a complete buffon.

“Thanks!. . . Uh? Where have I heard that? I remember! By any chance, do you know a donkey called Cranky?

Eh? Who's Cranky?

Cranky Doodle Donkey. Like his name implies, he’s a cranky donkey that rejected Pinkie’s friendship when he first arrived to Ponyville on the episode “A Friend in Deed”, until she helped him find her long, lost love. I think the moral of the episode was that some people just need to get laid.

You mean people like the author?



“Ok! Here, have this!”

Alex took a coupon from Pinkie´s hooves and stared at it.

“That’s a coupon for a free cupcake at Sugar Cube Corner. The place I work in, you can exchange it after three pm. Please be there on time, ok?”

“(Thank you Pinkie, I know what this all about. I Know you that much)” Alex said to himself. “Really? Thanks Pinkie Pie, I’ll be there at 3:00 pm, I promise!”

Pinkie pie smiled and left him. She then wanted to tell everypony else about the surprise party she had prepared for the somepony special she had just met. But then she realized:

“Mmm I never told him my name. He is a psychic! I WILL HAVE A PSYCHIC FRIEND, YAY!”

*yawn* Thank god the author split this chapter up into two, otherwise I would have been bored to death.

Good point.

Alex was so happy to know that his friend had prepared a “suprise party” for him. After reaching the town´s market he saw some of his friends: Derpy, Mr. Cake, Rose and Colgate. Everypony was looking so happy!

Applebloom looks like she's holding in a massive fart.

What? Oh, sorry. I was distracted by how MASSIVELY DORKY this guy looks.

He also saw Applejack and Applebloom selling their famous apples, he got close to them and said:

“Hello Miss and little cutie.”

“Howdy Sir. Ah can see yah are not from here. What brings yah to our humble little town?”

"Just want a taste of that sweet, pony pussy."

“Just passing by, however I couldn´t allow myself missing the chance to taste one of your famous Sweet Apple Acrees` Apples!”

Applejack blushed a little before answering:

“Yikes! that’s sweet from yah Mr. . . .?”

“Mmm, Axel. Yeah! Thas my name AXEL! (Is that the best you could think of Alex?)”

“Ok Mr. Axel, how many apples would yah like?”

“It depends Miss, do you accept Gems as payment?”

“Bits or Gems are fine sugarcube!”


Alex bought some apples from Applejack and paid with Gems.

“Thank yah very much! Hope to see yah later!” – Applejack said.

You know she says the same to every Customer, don’t you?

Alex nodded, he turned around so he could leave but noticed Applebloom standing infront of him. She was looking at him a little confused.

“What is it little girl? Something on my face?”

“No sir. It’s just that… Have we met before?”

“. . . (Kids in here are smarter than adults)

I don't know why, but I have a sudden urge to punch the authors nose in.

No sweetie, I don’t think so!”

“Oh! ok, sorry, it’s just that yah remind me of somepony else, ah can’t really tell.”

“I see. Well, Trust me on this one, we haven’t met before. See you around!”

Alex left Applebloom and Applejack behind. They kept looking at him until he was out of sight.

“He seems nice, don’t yah think Applejack?”

“Yeah sugarcube, he seems very nice.” Applejack said, with a strange look in her eyes.

“Something wrong sis?”

“Nothing is wrong Applebloom. He seems so nice and everything but…”

“But what Applejack?”

“Nothing! Just forget it.”

“Ok! Look Applejack, more customers!”

Both sisters continued selling more of their delicious apples, but Applejack couldn´t stop thinking:

“(Besides telling the truth about my apples, he lied on everything else. Even his name…

Yet you didn't call him out on it?! What's wrong with you?!

Who are you Axel?)

Let’s set aside the fact the guy has the lying prowess of a five years-old, who cares? Is there any laws that forbids ponies from not using their real names? What if he’s just some idiot tourist? Again, why does everybody has to have these “special feelings” or suspicions or some other shit?
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post Feb 21 2017, 03:46 AM
Welcome to Chapter 4...or to be more accurate, Chapter 3.5. Here we'll see our least favorite assassin meet up with the rest of the ponies.

As Alex continued walking through Ponyville, he decided to visit one of his friends.

He arrived at Carousel Boutique, everything was the same there: beautiful pony clothing, jewelry, accessories, etc. he kept on walking inside the Boutique marveled by everything at sight, that was when he saw the hoods; like the one he used, they even had the assassins logo on them:

I see Rarity is attempting to cash in on the Assassin's Creed craze.

It would be genuinely funny if she did that purely for money reasons. That aside, I can’t imagine how utterly freaking out of place those hoods must look among all the expensive dresses.

“What is this?” Alex thought.

He still couldn´t believe his eyes, all the details, it was an exact copy of HIS hood. Suddenly, a voice broke the silence:

“Hello and welcome to Carousel Boutique where everything is unique and magnifique. What can I do for you?”

“I am actually just looking at the place lady.” Alex replied.

“Please call me Rarity darling, Rarity.”

“Oh, ok. Lady Rarity”

Her eyes widened after hearing him tell her name in that tone.

“Is it something wrong Lady Rarity?” Alex asked.

“Not at all. I just… What can I do for you?” The tone of Alex´s voice was still inside her head.

It’s going to be the same for all of them, isn’t? “Oh, what’s this feeling in my chest after interacting with this mysterious stranger?” Blergh.

“Well, I´m new here and as I was walking around Ponyville I heard everypony say that the things you sell in this store are the best in Equestria. So I just came by to see if I something would catch my attention and surely everything did. So you are looking at your new customer.”

Nice to see that his fake compliments are back. I'd almost missed them. Almost.

Rarity blushed after hearing this.

Let’s not forget the intense blushing.

“Well, thank you darling. I like that idea as well.”

“Ok! See you later lady.” Alex said with a smile.

“Please just call me Rarity darling.”

What’s the point of calling yourself her “new customer” if you’re not going to buy anything?”

As soon as Alex left the place, Sweetie Bell came down stairs, she was still sleepy.

“Sister, who were you talking to?”

“It was a new pony I just met. A true gentlecolt I must say, his name was..., oh! I didn´t ask his name. I´m so silly!”

“Yes you are!” Sweetie Bell said.


Alex arrived at Golden Oaks Library, he knocked the door and then a Royal Canterlot voice came from the inside:


Bu-bu-but how would I be able to take out Fighting-Type Pokemon?!

Alex rememberd how Twilight was able to use THAT voice as she was a princess now.

“Excuse me lady, but I am not Pinkie.”

The library doors opened to show a beautiful Alicorn inside.

“I´m so sorry, I thought you were a friend of mine!” She said.

“You don´t need to worry, are you Princess Twilight Sparkle?” Alex asked while bowing.

“Yes, but please just call me Twilight and it is not necessary for you to bow before me. I am a regular pony, just like everypony else!”

“I can accept calling you Twilight but I must still bow before you princess.

And where was this courtesy during the 'Celestia was a meanie-pants' arc in the first story?

I dunno, but all this bullshit about pretending not to know them is genuinely starting to piss me off. I mean, give me a shitty fight against a monster or a poorly written sex scene, but for the love of everything pure and good in the world, don’t freaking bore me.

You see, I am new here and I was meeting the place so I just wanted to come visit this famous library.”

“Do you like to read?” Twilight asked.

“Yes I do! History books and novels.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Please come inside!”

“Thank you Twilight.” He said.

Twilight showed him where the history books and novels were. While he was looking at them, she offered him a cup of tea and apologized for using her Canterlot voice a little earlier. After having a short conversation she wrote all of his information on a library card if he decided to come back again (of course she didn´t know all this information was fake).

So he's giving her false information, including his name, place of residence, and age?

Here's hoping he gets caught, and his ass gets thrown in jail.

The author should be dragged into the street and shot in the ass for the crime of wasting our fucking time.

Alex was about to leave the place, he didn’t turn his back on Twilight so he was walking backwards for the door, he couldn´t notice spike running towards him. Spike was carrying some books so he couldn´t see Alex either. When Alex finally turned around, it was too late. He couldn´t avoid the little dragon from crashing against him. They both felt on the ground.

OUCH! I don't think legs are supposed to bend that way...

I can’t get over my head how fucking ridiculous those sneakers look on him.

“I´m so sorry mister!” Spike said.

“My name is Axel. And it’s ok; it was definitely my fault for walking backwards. What is your name little dragon?” Alex asked.

“I am Spike, the only DRAGON in Ponyville, Princess Twilight´s number one assistant”

Wasn't his position as number one assistant, taken by an owl?

Eh, not really. Spike thinking he was getting replaced was the driving force beyond the episode’s conflict, but nothing beyond that. Basically, Owlowiscious takes to help Twilight during the night, when Spike goes to sleep.

Ah, I see.

“Well, it was nice to meet you!” Alex replied while looking at Spike right into his eyes.

“…you?” Spike was staring at him, with a strange look on his face.

“Is it everything ok little friend?” Alex asked.

“Yeah! It’s nothing, I´m just feeling a little confused because of crashing against you, that’s all!”

Alex helped him pick up the books and taking them into the library.

“You know, - Spike said – 4 months have passed since a good friend of mine…”

“A friend of yours…?” Alex asked, feeling sad for the little dragon.

“Well, don’t worry. I don’t want to trouble you with my things.”

“I understand. It was nice to meet you both Twilight and Spike, I hope we meet again.”

“See you later Axel.” They both said.

Did this shit genuinely deserve a whole fucking chapter?

Alex continued walking around Ponyville and came across BonBon’s Candy Shop. He approached the place only to find it closed. A note was hanging on the door “I’m still travelling with Lyra, the Shop will be closed for at least two more weeks”.

Oh thank fuck Lyra's not here!

Praise the lawd!

After reading this note, Alex realized it was almost three pm, so he started his way to Sugarcube. He had walked just a few meters when he heard a familiar voice:

“Watch out!”

DAMMIT RAINBOW DASH! You were supposed to crash into the idiot!

I can't believe I'm missing his human form.

Thanks to his reflexes, he was able to jump aside and avoid getting hit by a Rainbow Mane Cyan Pegasus who landed heavily on the ground. He quickly helped her stand up. Still confused by the impact, she said:

“Wow! Thank Celestia you were fast enough to dodge me. I’m sorry about that, I was flying here for the party but lost control and almost hit you!”

If you only knew Rainbow Dash from reading this kind of garbage, you would be excused for thinking she’s under some kind of curse that makes her crash against every new character that arrives to Ponyville.

“It's ok miss!” Alex replied with a little smile on his face.

“Miss? I’m no Miss! Well, I am, but I am better known as Rainbow Dash THE FASTEST FLYING PEGASUS IN EQUESTRIA!”


“Oh! I see. So you are Rainbow Dash the winner of the Young Flying Competition? Wow! Indeed you are the fastest and the most awesome Pegasus in Equestria!”

“Thank you – Rainbow Dash said – I think you meant the most awesome PONY in Equestria.”

“Well, I meant to say pegasus, because The Most Awesome Pony in Equestria tittle is already taken”

“Taken? And who is that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Me!” Alex said in a serious tone.

The worst part is that, at least in this story, he's right.

“Yeah? You wish! but I must say, I like your optimism. Maybe we should hang out some time and have a little competition as well. What do you say?”

“Anytime Skittles!” Alex answered.


“Skittles? What?!” She exclaimed.

“Nothing! Never mind, let’s just hurry up for the party, it is about to begin!”

”Ok lets go, but you know, I shouldn’t have mentioned a party. You see, it was planned for you and if YOU don’t look surprised the one who planned it will be kind of sad, so can you please pretend not to know everything YOU know about the party?” She asked him.

Her only character trait is to throw parties and she does that for everybody living here, but she gets sad if they expect it?

“It’s ok Rainbow Dash, but only because you ask me, and I don’t want anypony to be sad” (it’s funny because I had to pretend anyways) Alex thought.

A fucking welcoming party.

The most overused cliche in these H.I.E stories. At least it's more bearable than EARTH AN TEH HOUMANZ ARE TEH EVUL!

Rainbow Dash smiled and then opened the door for him. At that moment, everypony inside screamed:


Alex, pretending not to know anything, fell on his back as if scared for what just happened, Pinkie Pie ran to him and help him up: “Great! We did it! He was really surprised!”

Alex was amazed by the amount of ponys that were inside the place.

Yeah...I'm amazed by the large amount of invisible ponies in the room.

“Welcome! It’s me Pinkie Pie. We had met before remember? I gave you a coupon for a free cupcake and told you to be here at three o’clock. I had prepared this special party for you because I always make parties for my new friends. Would you like to be my friend? Please be my friend!” Pinkie Pie said

Pinkie Pie got close to him and whispered in his hear “We will be special friends, because I know your secret!”

Alex froze when he heard that, he managed to pull himself together and asked: “Do, do you know it? Aren’t you upset I didn’t tell you myself?”

“Why should I be upset. We all have secrets you silly. But you aren’t very good at keeping them.” She answered

Alex looked at her bright eyes. He was really amazed at how easy it was for her to find out who he was.

“I do know your secret! You are a psychic.”

Please don't make him a psychic. The last thing I need is for this jackass to gain special powers.

“What?! Is that my secret? Well, why do you think I’m a psychic?”

“Well, you knew my name without me telling you first.”

“Didn’t you think somepony else could have told me something about you before we met?”

“Nope, I know nopony did. I saw you when you entered the Town and the first Pony to talk to you was me. So please stop denying it, I got you!”

“Yeah! You got me.”

“Yay! I have a psychic friend” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Isn’t it amazing how the author of this garbage and Mykan have the same level of humor? Except the later can be entertaining in a “chimp throwing a temper tantrum” kind of way.

I don't think the authors jokes should even qualify as humor...

“Guys, could you please come inside, everypony is waiting to meet Axel” Ranbow Dash told them.

They both laughed, as they hadn’t realized everypony was looking at them. They went into the place and closed the doors behind them.

“HELLO EVERYPONY! THIS IS. . . WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!” Pinkie Pie said feeling a little embarrassed.

Didn't you listen to Rainbow Dash?! She just said his name was Axel!

“It’s ok Pinkie Pie, my name is Axel.”


“YAY!” Everypony cheered.

You’re all here for the free food, aren’t you? It’s okay, I can’t blame you for that.

There better be some nachos at the party, cause I'm hungry.

Everypony inside Sugarcube began to celebrate. They were dancing, playing around, eating snacks. Some of them even talked to Alex asking him all kinds of questions. Everypony was there, all the Elements, Spike, but most importantly, HER. She was the only one he didn’t see before coming to the party. Like all the others, she hadn’t change a bit.

Why the hell aren’t you calling Fluttershy by her name? Is this the same kind of shit as the first chapter where the author tried to “hide” his transformation into a pony?

The Crusaders joined the party and started telling stories of their fantastic adventures. Everypony was enjoying the party. It seemed as if they all forgot the sad things that happened a few months ago. It was a good thing, but it was sad at the same time. Alex looked at everypony laughing and having a great time. He wondered if they had just moved on “Maybe they just forgot about me”. His little sister, Spike, everypony was looking so happy he started to wonder if it was really necessary for him to tell them he was still alive. Maybe it was better this way. Why not to just let them think he was gone for good. Anyways, he wasn’t planning to stay there permanently; he had also killed a pony. And maybe some of them would be afraid to see him again because of it. They moved on, they forgot him, everything in Equestria was fine. It wasn’t necessary for him to come back and bring sad memories to them. He remembered telling Steven his trip was to find out if this was his place to stay, but it was clear now. It never was. Coming back here was a huge mistake. His heart was full of happiness and sadness, full of doubts, full of loneliness.

Aw boo hoo! The ponies aren't crying 24/7 over your death. Go take your feelings elsewhere, you self-centered crybaby!

Wow. You hit the nail right on the head, GorillaGamer. Instead of being relieved and happy that everything is in order and everybody succesfully got back to their lives after the total fuckery of a Changeling invasion, he gets sad that they are not actively and visibly talking about him.

He walked to the door and realized everypony was too busy being happy that they didn’t even notice it. He was thinking now on how to survive until the next Meteor Shower so he could go back to earth.

He was opening the doors when a voice came from the inside: “I hope all of you are enjoying the party!” Pinkie Pay said.

“Axel, how about you come up here and tell us all something about yourself?!”

Alex closed the door and said:

“I really don’t think that’s necessary”

“Oh please Axel, just come here and say something!” She asked.

My God. It’s like one of those brats that, after not getting something he wants, immediately goes to sit on a corner with both arms crossed and a pout on his face while every other child is playing on the garden.

As Axel was walking to where Pinkie Pie was he saw Spike, the Mane 6 and the Crusaders gathering in the place. Spike said:

“Sorry everypony. I didn’t mean to interrupt this great party but before listening to Axel, I wanted to take a moment and pay a little tribute to a very close friend of mine who left us exactly four months ago. He was the only human in Equestria, a true hero, a true friend and my mentor. I just wanted to ask you to never forget him, never forget why he died and that he loved Equestria as much as all of us do.”

Ah...now that Spike started to suck on your dick, you want to stay here and party.

Tears started to come out from Spike’s eyes. Sweetie Bell stepped forward and said:

“As many of you know, Alex the human was my adopted brother and I love him with all of my heart. All I wanted to say is that I love you Alex, and I hope you are happy up there with your family, please don’t forget me brother!”

I wonder if they do the same in every party. “Excuse me, excuse me! Before we start celebrating the birth of your daughter, I would like to take a minute to remember my old friend Alex and the way he killed a manticore with a well placed axe to the head.”

The rest of the Mane 6 and the Crusaders bowed as a sign of respect in memory of Alex. Remembering all of the adventures they had, the happy and sad moments, the first time he showed up, how he invented the the Alichoco muffins.

I'm with Dashguy, in that I refuse to believe that Pinkie Pie didn't create Choc-chip Muffins, before this jackass taught her.

The next one to talk was Fluttershy:

“ Alex was so special to me, I’d give anything to have him right here with us now. I promised him that I would move on, but its so difficult. No matter how hard I try. I promised him that I would never cry again, but I can’t. I can’t stop missing him.”

We interrupt this story to remind you the author definitely got a boner from writing this. Thank you.

Alex was impressed. They hadn’t forgotten him. He kept walking towards the center of the building.

“We’re sorry Axel - Pinkie Pie said – we know this is your time and your party, but Alex was very special to all of us, we would give anything to have him here, ANYTHING!

Anything...? Because I believe Dashguy might be able to help you with that...provided you give him the right incentive.

Turning their backs to me is all the “incentive” I need, son.

Having said that, don’t you love the SUBTLETY of this scene? We get three freaking speeches from three different characters about how much they love and miss him, ending with Pinkie shouting about how desperate they are to have him back.

But please come here and tell us all who you are and where have you come from!”

Alex’s heart was beating so fast, his friends still remembered him. They were acting like nothing had happened but they were still sad. He kept walking to where Pinkie Pie was, every step weight like a ton, he didn’t know what to think anymore. He had a good plan already, give a little speech, go back to the Everfree Forest and wait for the next Meteor Shower so he could go back to earth. They would be fine, sooner or later a human stops grieving his lost ones,they still remember them but the pain goes away. That would happen with them as well, they are ponies from Equestria, their happiness surpasses their sadness for miles.

He could still see them crying for him: “They just need a little more time to forget me.” He said to himself.

Oh shut up and go listen to whatever bands the emos listen to nowadays!

Alex felt his heart breaking before such faces. He didn’t even realize everypony was looking at him, waiting to hear him speak. The memories of all the things he and his friends went through, all of their happy moments, her eyes, HER EYES!

Fluttershy? Why do you keep avoiding her name? Are you trying to be mysterious? Deep? Suspenseful? What the fuck is this guy trying to do?

He's trying to make the audience support the romance of Alex and Moe Horse.

“Hi everypony, I wanted to say it’s good to be here and that I’m glad to meet all of you for the first time

…But it would be a lie!”

“I’ve just arrived here and the first thing you do is yell about a dead dude? You’re a bunch of fucking nutjobs, and this is coming from a pony wearing sneakers!”

Everypony was shocked for what he just said. He could she them all looking at each other confused.

“Please, don’t misunderstand me. What I wanted to say is that, this is not the first time I meet some of you here in Ponyville, I have so many memories of this place, memories of you!”

Alex could hear them whispering, wondering what he was talking about.

Pinkie Pie interrupted him: “That’s a good one Axel, but I know everyone here, and I am pretty sure I haven’t seen you before!”

“No! – Alex said – I am not lying. I still have many memories of this place, of you and your friends. I still remember the day we met. That day in the hospital and how I discovered you smell like cotton candy, and when you told me how proud you were of your personal hygiene or how I couldn’t believe when you told me you didn’t know anything about chocolate chip muffins Pinkie”

At least Alex isn't piss-farting around for 5 or so chapters, before he reunites with the ponies.

Pinkie Pie was just standing there, staring at him with a blank expression. Rarity noticed this and asked her: “Pinkie Darling! Are you alright?”

“And you too Lady Rarity!” Alex told her.

“Axel, I told you to just call me Rarity.”

“Don’t you remember when I took your hoof in my hand, kissed it and called you Lady Rarity for the first time? I hope my job as a Gem Finder and my room in your basement are still vacant, Lady Rarity.”

She told you to stop calling her that, dude. Seriously, control your freaking neckbeard.

Rarity looked at Alex and fell on the ground unconscious.

“Rainbow, I haven’t forgotten I still owe you an All You Can eat in Hoofdonalds. I still can’t believe SpitFire lost that day!”

Rainbow’s mouth was wide open, her wings stopped moving. She was a Pegasus turned into a statue.

“Applejack, I see you have taken good care of your beautiful blonde mane. I must tell you, blondes still drive me crazy!”

Yet your waifu pony has a pink mane...

It’s like the guy cannot come up with anything to say about Applejack.

Fuck her hard-working attitude, and her honesty. Her's mane is where it's at!

Applejack started babbling, she was about to faint as well.

“Twilight, Spike, I hope you haven’t spent too much time playing with my two you-know-what, and if you have Spike, I hope you kept your word and played for only two hours a day. Not to mention Twilight, NOW YOU ARE AN ALICORN! YOU ARE A PRINCESS!”

Twilight and Spike were shocked by his words.

“How do you know that?” Was all Twilight managed to say before Alex started talking again.

“Fluttershy, I’m glad you have tried to keep your promise, I still remember that nice farewell gift you gave me in my “last moments”. I have missed you too. I’ve been missing all of you since I woke up in that hospital on Earth!”

Alex and Moe Horse; The one true romance in all of fiction!


Alex turned around to where Sweetie Bell and the Crusaders were. He was covered in tears, he stood firmly and took of his pendant. A bright light, as bright as the sun itself blinded everypony who was looking. When the light faded they saw him. Standing there, right in front of them; Alex, the human; their friend.

He was looking at Sweetie Bell. He walked to her and picked her up in his arms. Hugging her like he never did before: “ Sweetie Bell, I would never ever dare to forget about you, not in this life or the other, I love you too much to let that happen!”

Fluttershy fainted too as Rarity was regaining her consciousness.

The CMC were shocked. Alex, their friend was hugging Sweetie; he wasn’t a Spirit or a ghost. After their experience there was a possibility of him being a Changeling. But no, this hug was real, and the one giving it was HIM! How was it possible?

Sweetie Bell was crying: “Are you real? You are not a cruel joke . . . right?”

It'd be funny if it was, or is that just me?

The amount of likes this story got is a cruel joke on anybody with good taste and proper grammar.

“Yes Sister, I’m real. I’m so sorry I was absent for all this time. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

“You don’t have to. You are here, my wish came true! The cake wish, IT REALLY WORKS! Thank you brother, thank you so much! Please, never leave me again!”

“I never left you Sweetie Bell, you know I will always be with you, even if someday you can’t see me.”

“I know brother, please let me enjoy this moment and thank you for not forgetting me!”

“Never! I will never do that to you sister. You two as well little cuties” Alex said looking at Scootaloo and Applebloom. They both looked at each other and then hugged him, they had to be sure it was the real him, not a ghost or an illusion. Even though they were always talking, this time the words had failed them. They didn’t even know what to say anymore.

Thus Alex finally gets to dry hump Sweetie Belle, after a few months of getting blue balls.

Does the transformation spell have some kind of “head-reduction” side-effect?

Alex turned around and saw the rest of his friends crying, Twilight, Spike, all of them had tears in their eyes. Fluttershy was still unconscious. He looked at all of them and said in a loud voice so everypony could hear him:

“Hi everypony, I’m Back!”

I would like to say sequels are always shit, but that would imply the first one was something akin to acceptable.

He barely finished this words when somepony jumped on him with such strength, he fell on his back. It was Applejack, she was looking at him with anger in her eyes.

“Don’t even try to move! – she said with a strong voice – Twilight hurry! Use a Scanning Spell, if he turns out being a Changeling ah will make him wish he was never born!”

Twilight agreed, her horn started to glow and used a Scanning Spell on Alex. After she was done, she looked at Applejack right into her eyes:

“It’s really him…”

Applejack started to cry and kissed him on his cheek. “ah am so sorry – she said – ah had to, ah had to be sure.” Alex looked at her and put his hand on her face:

“Yes pretty cowgirl, it’s me!”

It's cowPONY, you inbred troglodyte!

Twilight helped him stand up and asked: “Alex, how is this even possible?”

Satan? Thanos? Pit of Lazarus?

“I know it is hard to believe but here I am!”

She hugged him with all of her strength.

“Alex dude! I can’t believe you are back! I always new somepony as you couldn’t end up like that!” Rainbow Dash said. “I really don’t know what to say!”

“How about, WELCOME BACK?!” Alex replied with a big smile on his face.

Spike was finally able to pull himself together: “My partner! I don’t know what you did and I really don’t care. Thank you for not being dead!”

“I was just lucky Spike, lucky as always. I’ll tell you everything you want to know but I have to focus on other things now.”

Pinkie Pie was still silent, she didn’t even say a word, didn’t even move where she was standing, she was so lost in her thoughts. Alex got near her and got on his knees. He could see her eyes moving to find his, they looked at each other for a moment, not saying even the slightest word. Tears started to come out of her eyes.

Don't worry, there's tears coming out of my eyes as well. Tears of boredom, that is.

Every time I read one of these scenes, I picture the Mane Six, the CMC and Spike as some kind of amorphous blob, except instead of ceaseless hunger, it’s the desire to please the self-insert what motivates the monster. And just like the flesh-eating blob would split to better take down a potential prey, this one does it to better shower him with praise.

“Ali, is it really you? Please tell me you are not a ghost! Have I finally gone crazy?”

Alex gave her a warm hug and said: “No Pinkie Pie, you haven’t gone nuts, it is really me. And I’m here with you, hugging you.”

Everypony was watching, all of them knew how hard it was for Pinkie Pie to smile again after Alex died. And now there she was, with the biggest smile she ever had.

“Ali, it is you! The real you! I’m so happy to see you again I can barely handle all this happiness, I feel like I’m going to faint…”

She closed her eyes as Alex carefully placed her on the ground. “It’s ok guys, I guess it was too much for her.”


I love how the author had to put a fucking globe to indicate Pinkie was happy.

Alex stood up so he could speak to the rest of the ponies that were gathering around. Diamond Tiara, Derpy and her daughter, the Crusaders, for all of them, it was one of the happiest days in Ponyville. Alex promised to give them an explanation on how he was able to survive but now they had to take care of Pinkie Pie who was still lying on the floor. She was carefully taken upstairs to her room.

Everypony started to leave the place, but Alex had something else to do, he needed to talk to the Elements and Spike. Once everypony was gone, he was finally able to be with his friends. They were still looking at him with disbelief in their eyes: “Guys come on, you know it is me, the real Alex, standing in front of you!”

“We are sorry Alex, but after everything that happened. It is really impossible for you to be here!” Twilight said.

“Wow! Twilight, you do realize how unscientific that sounds right?”

“If you being here with us is impossible then… screw science!” She answered with a smile.

I'm pretty sure there's a fanfic out there, where Twilight Sparkle has sex with her science books.

Don’t make me look for it.

“Thank you Twilight. I know you really don’t mean THAT but thanks anyways.

We know she didn't, you gigantic fucking cretin. You know why? Because we have been graced with a level of reading comprehension beyond that of a squirrel. And while Twilight does follow the scientific method, she still uses magic. She has no reason to believe you couldn’t return here beyond the author wanting them to be shocked.

And guys I think I owe you all an explanation.”

Everypony gathered around him as he sat on the floor.

“Ok guys, you might get comfortable as this will be a long…

Well, it is really not a long story…”

Awesome. I’m going to look for some R34 pictures of Pinkie to masturbate to.

But I thought Rarity was your one true love.

I seek pleasure in the bed of many mares, son, but only Rarity makes my kokoro go all "doki doki"
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post Feb 24 2017, 04:07 AM
I can sympathize with your beliefs Dashguy. While I do have plenty of waifus that I have fun with, Chiaki is the girl who has stolen my heart.

But enough about mares and waifus, Chapter 5 is here, and it may as well be the definition of BORING!

Everything was quiet at Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes and their babies were sleeping peacefully, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were having some rest as well. Alex, Spike and everypony else was in the living room, sitting on a couch with Sweetie Bell on his lap and the other two crusaders at each of his sides.

I swear these fillies are more affectionate towards this cretin than their very own family members.

Speaking about that, there is an episode on the fifth season of the show called “Brotherhooves Social”. Basically, the Apple Family periodically organizes an event called “Sisterhooves Social” where little girls and their older sisters compete on an obstacle race. Feeling bad for Applebloom, since Applejack will be away on the day of the event and won’t be able to compete, Big Mac wears a dress and pretends to be Applebloom’s nonexistant cousin. They get disqualified, not because of the drag thing, but because of Big Mac unsportsmanlike conduct. Anyway, the important thing is that, at the end, Big Mac confesses to Applebloom that he’s jealous of Applejack’s achievments and the way Applebloom is constantly singing her praises.

It was a simple yet interesting reveal, and it makes me think how Big Mac must be feeling here.

He told them everything that happened after Princess Celestia used the spell on him, all of them beaming with happiness listened very carefully, once he finished Twilight was the first to talk:

“It is amazing Alex! Princess Celestia’s Spell really worked, it sent you to the hospital you were born in and even better, they found you in time to save you! Wow! Human technology is amazing, as Princess Celestia said; you would have died from your injuries if you had stayed here.”

Too bad it's in the hands of TEH EVUL HOOUMANZ!

“Yes Twilight, but I have a question, the doctor told me it seemed I was saved by a miracle because I was bleeding slowly. Do you think Princess Celestia had anything to do with that?”

“Probably, remember that she was using her magic to give you more time, maybe it lasted even after she sent you back to Earth. Who cares anyways?! It saved you and it’s all that matters!” Twilight answered.

Yeah, who the fuck cares about having a better understanding of an integral part of our life, one that I specialize in and I have dedicated most of my life to study? It worked for Alex! Nothing else matters in the world!

“But Alex, I must know how did you manage to return here?” She asked.

“Well, once I was healed, I went to visit that park again, the same one I was in when I came here for the first time. You see, there is a big Oak Tree there and I wanted to see it, because I was almost sure it was the place where the portal was, and then a bright light appeared out of nowhere and the next second I was here again, in the Everfree Forest. I believe now that the park or the Oak Tree could be a connection between our worlds. What do you think?”

I think you have to get with the times, son. Random portals and Twilight screwing a spell? Nah. Nowadays it’s all about dying and magically appearing next to Ponyville. Maybe even meeting some supernatural entity to give you some powers in the process.

“That’s a good theory Alex. Maybe the Everfree forest is where the portal to your world is and it only opens at the right time, like the other one!”

“The other one? (Alex, get ready for a resume of Equestria Girls).”

I on the other hand, would rather stick my head in a plastic bag then read about the plot of Equestria Girls.

Fair enough. I’m going to look for some R34 Equestria Girls pictures in the meantime.

“Yes, let me tell you. . .”

Twilight told Alex the story on how she became a Princess and her adventures retrieving her Crown in the other Human/Equestria World. Alex listened to her and made some random question even though he knew the answers, when she was done Alex asked:

“So you were a human for some days. Did you like it?”

“Well, yeah! It was an interesting experience, I must say is not easy going around without magic and learning to use my hands was a real challenge.”

Masturbating must have been especially awkward for Twilight Sparkle.

“Tell me about it! Trust me, learning to walk on four legs and not having hands was quite an experience too!”

Rainbow dash said:

“Yeah! Speaking of that! How did you manage to turn into a pony?

“Well, it was thanks to this! the gift Luna gave me in my "last moments" ”

Alex showed them his pendant. He put it on and immediately turned into a pony, all of them looked at him with marveled eyes.

I believe Dashguy had mentioned this in the mock of the previous installment, but what was the point of Luna gifting Alex the pendant, if he was dying?

“What is that darling? I must say I like it!”

“That’s a MetaPendant – Twilight said – Well, it all makes sense now!”

“Uh?! What yah mean sugarcube?”

“Well, you see, Alicorns can turn other creatures into ponies by giving them amulets like this one. Only an Alicorn has enough magic to create such an incredible device. You are very lucky Alex, now you can see the world as we do!”

What if a bad guy gets his hands on one of those? Wouldn’t it be a perfect tool for infiltration?

“And I must say darling, as a Pony you are not half bad…”

Spike gave a weird look at Alex after hearing this from Rarity.

The dragons blue balls started aching harder than usual.

“Hahaha! Thanks Rarity. Going back to the topic, do you guys have any other question?”

Spike raised his hand.

“Why didn’t you tell us who you were? Why did you have to wait?”

Because the author is actually getting paid by the word.

“Well Spike, at first I wanted to see if you guys would recognize me, when I saw myself as a Pony on the mirror, I noticed I looked very much like myself, so I thought maybe you…didn’t any of you recognize me at all?!”

How dare you not recognize me when I adopted a completely different form after you thought I was dead!

I hate to defend this buffoon, but do you know of any other pony that wears sneakers on their hooves?

Nope, because they have their dignity.

“Well Darling, I have to say you gave me a familiar feeling when I first saw you, but no. But I must say, now that I look at you, you do look very much as your human self.”

“Yeah, like my friends in Canterlot high -Twilight said - I had my doubts, but after visiting that place I thought you could be your own pony counterpart.”

“That’s an interesting theory Twilight, but I don’t think I have a pony counterpart here, I’m not a human from that world.” Alex replied.

No, your not. At least the humans in Equestria Girls aren't...hideous.

Except for Flash Sentry, whom bronies tell me I should hate with a burning passion.

“I guess you are right!”

“The second reason I didn’t want to tell you who I was, is because I wanted to see how all of you were doing after going through that experience. I needed to know if it was absolutely necessary to let you know I was alive, when I saw you at the party all cheerful and happy I thought maybe letting you think I was gone for good was the best choice, but when I heard you talking about me with so much love, I knew I was making a huge mistake and I wanted…no, I needed to tell you.”

In other words, Alex wanted to make sure the ponies still worshiped his dick, before he revealed himself.

Everypony nodded as Sweetie Bell hugged him tight.

“I’m glad you chose to tell us brother, thank you. I am happy to have my brother back and now you can even become a pony like me, not that I don’t like your human form or anything!”

“Thanks sister!” Alex said with a smile.

“Yeah! And not only that, yah are a unicorn so now yah can use magic!” Applebloom said.

“That’s true but I’m still a noob in this magic stuff. Thanks to some written lessons from Princess Luna I can barely levitate things and do a couple of spells, not a big deal.”

“Even so, that’s so cool! I must say I’d rather you became a pegasus like Rainbow Dash and me, the three of us would rock together!”

“I don’t think so, maybe he would just slow me down.” Rainbow dash said.

“Thanks Dashie. I’m glad you are so supportive!”

You still owe her that meal at HoofDonalds or whatever it was called.

“Easy dude, I’m sure you would be slow, but with my awesome teaching skills you would become half as good as me in no time!”

Everypony rolled their eyes and laughed.

“Well girls, I know I’ve been saying this many times already but it’s good to be back!”

“We think the same darling! So, what’s your plan now?”

“Uh? Well, one of my plans was to tell you I was alive, but now I suppose I’ll just live here for a while.”

“A while?!” Twilight asked a little worried.

“Well, we are now sure that the spell to send me back works so that is not longer a problem, it’s just a matter of asking Princess Celestia to do it again and according to my previous experiences, that park is my ticket to come back here.”

“But the Park idea is still just a theory, it still could be just a coincidence, we have no warranty that you will be able to come back here if we send you back to Earth again!” Twilight said.

Good...wait, we don't want this fucker back on Earth! You keep him.

“Well, you are right about that! (Sorry Twilight, I wish I could tell you the whole true, but some day I will).

Didn’t we deal with this shit on the previous story? And what’s the point of keeping the whole portal shit a secret from her?


For now, let’s just focus on my stay here. You know, maybe the Oak Tree theory will work, but for this time, I came prepared with a lot of stuff from earth, I have everything inside Sister’s Old castle!”

“Really?! More stuff from earth?!” Everypony asked.

“Yep, I brought something for all of you. I hope you guys like it.”

“Did you. . . By any change, did you bring…?”

“Yes Twilight, I brought you books, enought books for you to have a whole section dedicated to humans in your room!”

Ah good, you remembered your promise.

Anything that fuels the metaphorical dick sucking is worth remembering.

Again, Alex managed to break Twilight and everypony could swear she had sparks coming from her ears.

“What are we waiting for?! LET’S GO!”

“Easy Twilight, it is late now, we will go tomorrow and retrieve everything. I also need to check if they are ok”


“Yes, well, you’ll see. Let’s just say it is one of Fluttershy gifts”

Everypony was wondering what would it be.


“. . . . . Did . . . somepony say my name?”

Everypony turned to see who said that, only to find Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie entering the room together.

“Fluttershy! Pinkie Pie! Do yah feel better now sugarcubes?”

Fluttershy was still a little sleepy;

Give the poor mare some coffee, that ought to wake her up.

she hadn’t noticed Alex and said:

“Yes, a lot better, I had an amazing dream, a dream where Alex came back. First he was a Pony but then he transformed into his original self. Not that I minded him being a pony at all. He was alive and healthy. I wish it was real.”

Before she could continue, Pinkie Pie ran past her and grabbed Alex in a crushing hug.

“What are you talking about Fluttershy? It wasn’t a dream. Ali lives and he is here, look!” Pinkie Pie said with a huge smile.

“Uh?! Pinkie, glad to see you are feeling better now but please, even in a pony body. . . . . I need some air.” Alex felt as if he wan’t abl to breathe.

“Just five more seconds. . . No! Just one more minute!”

I see Pinkie is still affected by the hugging curse.

Pinkie Pie wasn’t kidding, she hugged him tight for exactly one whole minute while Fluttershy just stayed there shocked, at least she didn’t faint again, Pinkie Pie stopped hugging him but stood at his side, Scootaloo had to make some room for herself.

“I’m glad to see you again Pinkie Pie!” Alex said.

“Me too Ali. . . I’m so happy. . . I can’t stop smiling!”

“You are saying it like if it was a bad thing, remember what I told you, you look a lot prettier when you smile”

“Thanks Ali. . . now that you are back. . .be sure that I will be smiling forever”

Everypony was looking at them but at the same time, they noticed Fluttershy still in her place, not moving an inch.

“Fluttershy, aren’t you saying anything?” Alex asked.

Fluttershy a little reluctant, started to walk to him, moving her mouth as if she wanted to say something but she wasn’t able to. When she was close enough to him, she extended her hoof to touch his chest, she needed to feel it with her own hoof ; he was a pony, but his eyes; his hair; his smile, he was Alex, HER Alex, no doubt about it. But she needed one last proof.

“Alex please, can you please turn into a human again, if you don’t mind, I need to see it. Just one more time so I can finally convince myself this isn’t a dream.”

I don’t know what irks me the most. The sheer amounts of stomach-churning cheesiness on these paragraphs or the fact I feel on my bones that the author sported a raging boner when he wrote this shit.

Why not both?

SQUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The love between Alex and Moe Horse will last a lifetime!

The fuck is with the size of her head?

Alex smiled, and took off his pendant using his magic, the next second he was the human all of them cared for again. Fluttershy stared at him, not having anymore doubts she followed her feelings and hugged him with a strength she never showed before. It could even match Pinkie Pie’s, Alex hugged her too, and they stayed like that for what seemed to be an eternity to them. He put the pendant back on and immediately turned into a pony. Fluttershy began to cry.

“I’m happy. I’M SO HAPPY! But how?”

Thus begins Alex's first orgy as a pony.

What happened to Applejack’s neck?

Alex and the rest started telling Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy the whole story. Excluding the part of her gift, Everypony was surprised as Fluttershy got next to him and put her head on Alex’s shoulder, Alex felt as in Heaven, the mare he had a crush with was at his side, he could feel her warmth, even though he liked it, he was still feeling kind of weird. He was still a human, so feeling something over a pony was a little “different”. He asked:

“By the way girls, where is Lyra?”

Died from blood loss when she tried to cut her hooves in the shape of hands.

“Well Ali… you see, she decided to explore Equestria to see if she could find any other humans around. Knowing now for sure that humans exist, she decided to investigate every weird creature sighting in all of Equestria to find out if one of them were humans, she also dragged Bonbon with her, they should be back in a couple of weeks. What a surprise she will have when she comes back!” Pinkie Pie told him.

Damn it! Why do you have to crush my hopes like this, God!?

“I see, well I’ll just wait for her return then and I have to visit Proud Hammer and Zecora too.”

Sure, why not? You can never have enough people sucking your dick.

“Can we go with you Brother? – Sweetie Bell asked - We have to go to see Zecora tomorrow anyways, please, please, pretty please!”

“How can I say no to that face? Of course you can come!” Alex answered.

Great, more saccharine crap between Alex and his sister...


The ride never ends.

“YAY!” the three Fillies yelled making everypony laugh. Alex looked out the window and noticed it was really dark.

“Well Everypony, I think it’s time for us to go to sleep. So if you…”

Spike interrupted him.

“Oh no! Don’t tell me you are going to the Sister’s old Castle now!”

“Well, all my stuff is in there and well, yes?”

Pinkie Pie gasped and said:

“Are you crazy Ali? It will be dangerous out there. Besides, we just got together again. We have to do a SLUMBER PARTY!”

Twilight = books
Applejack= apples
Rarity= clothes
Fluttershy= animals
Rainbow Dash= speed
Pinkie= parties

Just keep the above in mind and you cannot fail.

Thanks Dashguy! I'll keep this in mind, in case I get the sudden urge to churn out a H.I.E fanfic. Not that I would, of course.

“I really don’t know Pinkie” Alex said.

“Oh please, please with tons of sugar” Pinkie begged with puppy eyes.

It'll give you an unlimited source of pussy.

“sigh… ok”

“YAY!!” Pinkie Pie brought some snacks and games, while setting everything Spike asked Alex if they could have a little conversation alone.

“Excuse us Girls, Spike and I need to talk outside. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Once they were out, Alex sat on the ground with his pal next to him. Alex looked at him for a moment and without saying a word, he hugged him tight. Spike was surprised but he hugged him too.

“Spike I am sorry I didn’t say this before but I’m so glad to see you again!”

Why did you not tell him back there? Were you afraid of looking like a faggot or something? Don’t get me wrong, you are a glorious winged faggot, but definitely not for showing affection towards other dude.

“Me too my friend, me too…” Spike replied.

“So, what do you wanted to talk about?” Alex asked.

"I-I-I'm ready for anal!" Spike called out suddenly.

“Well, it is just that I need to know it now, are you planning to stay in Equestria this time? I mean, staying here for good?”

“To be honest Spike, I don’t know. I plan to stay here for a couple of months and see if I finally decide to stay here, but only time will tell.”

This guy’s attention whorish tendencies are almost pathological. Seriously, look at the above and tell me it doesn’t read like he’s hoping the ponies will beg for him to stay.

“I see, I’ll make sure you love so much being here then that you will even beg for Celestia to forget the spell to send you back. You’ll see, besides, I think Fluttershy is already working on that. By the way, when do you plan to ask her to be your very special somepony? It’s so obvious you both like each other.”

“What? Ok spike, I don’t know, I can’t say I don’t I like her, but I want to know her a little better, let’s wait to see what happens ok? And when do YOU plan to ask Rarity to be your Special somepony?” Alex asked.

“What? I don’t. . . sigh, ok you got me. I still like her, I think she knows I like her too but she acts as if nothing. Maybe she is not the one for me, what do you think?”

*Slaps Spike across the face*

That's quitter talk! You keep trying your hardest, and eventually you might win Rarity's heart. If not...then forget this conversation ever happened.

Did you know Spike’s crush on Rarity was supposed to be a one-episode-only thing, GorillaGamer? The writers needed a way to show Rarity was the “pretty one” of the team, so they had Spike act lovestruck. It just happened to stick after that.

I never knew that. You learn something every day.

“I think only you can answer that, but I do know there is a fated per. . . creature for every creature. I know you will be happy with somepony. If in the end it’s not Rarity, so be it, right?”

Just a question, but what happens to Spike, in fics where Rarity is paired with the self-insert?

Not much, in my experience. Most of the time they just comment on how he was jealous and sad for a while, but eventually got better. Sometimes he gets paired with a filly. All in all, the whole thing is treated like an afterthought.

“I guess you are right Alex. I’m glad you are here so I can talk about these things. I Can’t do the same with Twilight or any other mare!”

“No problem Spike. I’m here for you now and I’m not planing to leave in a long time. Now let’s go party!”

“Yeah!” Spike immediately forgot how sad he was after hearing Alex.

“Besides, we resume our training tomorrow. I hope you hadn’t been slacking off because I will test you.” Alex said with a serious look on his face.

“You got it partner!” Spike replied.

You better start working on improving your blowgun skills.

You’re gonna blow far, kid!

Once they were done talking, they got back into the house. The party was nice, even with the childish games Pinkie Pie made them play. Alex had to convince Twilight not to send a letter to Celestia about his return. He wanted to surprise them as well, she was kind of reluctant but finally agreed as she also wanted to see their surprised faces. After a good time together the girls went to sleep at Pinkie Pie’s room while Alex and Spike stayed on the in the living room. Sweetie Bell asked Alex if she could stay with him, something he of course accepted.Tthis was one of the best nights each and every one of them had since months.

At the end, nobody made a comment about Blueblood. I'm disappointed.


SADDLE SARABIA (Royalty Meeting)

I joked about this before, but is Saddle Sarabia an actual place in the show?

It’s Saddle Arabia and yes, it exists. We event get to see two representatives on one episode.

Which one?

"Magic Duel", the fifth episode of the third season. They appear at the end.

Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor along the other Kingdom rulers were impatient, waiting for the magic raffle to end. After all, the Kingdom chooses which town will host of one of the most amazing events in all the world:“The Gladiators Tournament”, celebrated once every seven years.

If this tournament features a Spartan-obsessed brother of Freddy Kruger, then I'm leaving this fic for good!

When the winner was finally chosen, the Sultan read the paper and said:

“My Royal fellows., the host for the Gladiators Tournaments will be. . . . .


Princess Celestia and Luna couldn’t hide their excitement; it had been decades since Canterlot wasn’t selected to host this tournament.

Uh-huh. If this “tournament” is so important then how come this is the very first time we read about it? And if the Princesses are so thrilled about it then how come none of the ponies were able to fight against the Changeling invasion on the previous story, beyond that retarded OC swinging hammers? Fuck me, do we get a reward if we pretend this “tournament” is anything beyond a cheap excuse for the author to fantasize about being a total badass?

Princess Celestia said:

“Thank you very much for this great honor. I’m sure this tournament will be one of the best ever. We will see great matches between the best of the best. In one week, we’ll be sending the official rules to you so you can start gathering your best soldiers and warriors. Once again, Thank you very much!”

"It's a shame that Blueblood won't be able to participate. He was such a promising contender."

The meeting ended and every Royal creature present started the long way back to their kingdoms, Celestia and the rest stayed in the Sultan’s Palace to have some rest and get ready to travel the next morning. While having some lunch at the palace, they had a little conversation:

“Celestia and Luna, I’m sure you are excited to host the tournament this time”

“Yes Sultan Mahay, I just hope many of my ponies will be willing to compete!” Celestia replied.

“Me too, I hope my horses are up to the challenge as well. But, do you think. HE will compete?” Sultan Mahay asked.

“I beg your pardon?” Princess Celestia said.

“Oh you know what I mean, your friend the hero you told me about. The human, what was his name? Axel, Alax or something like that”

“Alex, his name was Alex” Luna said a little annoyed.


“Yes, he is no longer with us, a disgrace happened.

"He began writing Human in Equestria fics!"

Look, I don’t really want to talk about that” Celestia said with a sad voice as Luna was staring down.

“I see, it’s a shame. I heard he was good enough to take down even a manticore. I’m pretty sure he would have done pretty well in the tournament, not to mention his dragon partner. I hope he does compet…”

Is killing a manticore such a great feat? Wouldn’t Fluttershy taming one of the second episode of the show be more impressive? And how come this guy heard about what Alex did but not about the heroics of the Mane Six?

Because they're MARES. And the bronies don't want the MARES to take the glory away from their OC's.

“Spike? oh no no no no! He is just a baby dragon. I would never let him compete in something so…” Princess Celestia said interrupting him.

“Oh come on Celestia! You know this tournament stopped being dangerous a long time ago. Besides, I heard he is as good as the human, who knows, he may surprise you.”

Just like ordering a pizza and opening the box to find a dog turd instead.

Celestia had to admit the Sultan was right. Spike indeed had demonstrated to be a descent fighter thanks to Alex’s teachings and his own devoted training. Maybe she could, she would have a conversation with Twiligh. On the other hoof, she was glad that only rumors had passed to the other kingdom. She made sure the Invasion incident was covered with the exception of Sarabia Sultan since he was a long friend. This kind of news would make the other kingdoms and Empires think Canterlot was weak and unstable, she really was thankful for Alex, Spike and their friends who managed to save them.

How fascinating...


“Well, we will think about it. It could be a good distraction for him, after all he hasn’t been the same since Alex died” Princess Luna said with a sad look on her eyes.

“Very well, have some rest then and prepare to leave tomorrow. You have a big tournament to prepare!”

The Princesses proceeded to go to their rooms.

While on her bed, Princess Luna couldn’t stop think about something.

“I think the same Sultan, Alex would have rocked in that tournament"

Tell me something I don’t fucking know.

Since this chapter was a snoozefest, I'll end things off by posting the authors notes.

P.S. in case you noticed, the art of Alex hugging fluttershy was inspired in one made by Ceehoof, look at his art and stories, very good ones.

Any thoughts on this Ceehoof person, Dashguy?

From what I’ve seen on his Fimfiction page, the guy’s most prominent story is called “Equestria’s First Human”; a monstrosity almost one hundred and twenty eight thousand words long where his self-insert is paired with Fluttershy, because of fucking course he is. We also have the following:

A rewrite of “A Canterlot Wedding” to include the fucking self-insert.

A story where Sweetie Belle develops a crush on the fucking self-insert, despite the fact he’s dating the aforementioned Moe Horse.

Some story centred around a stallion named “Hellfire”, who apparently was the antagonist in “Equestria’s First Human” or something.

A story in the Equestria Girls universe with, you guessed it, the fucking self-insert.

And a crossover with Godzilla. Oh, and a couple of the chapters of the first story include drawings made by the author himself, of course.

So yeah, you can see where Alejin got plenty of inspiration from.

Not going to lie, that picture looks better than anything Alejin draws. Slightly better mind you, but I digress...
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post Mar 3 2017, 04:28 AM
Alright, time to see what Alejin and his co-writer, the Zombie Garka, wrote this time.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me this literary travesty was written by more than one person?

Yeah, didn't you know that Zombie Garka is Alejin's beta reader/co-writer? Although I don't know anything about this Zombie Garka, to be honest.

The quality of this story tells us everything we need to know about him, if you ask me.

Alex woke up the next morning, he was speechless as he opened his eyes and saw everypony sleeping in the same room as him. Spike and Sweetie Bell, all except for Pinkie Pie who was sleeping next to the front door, it seemed as if they thought Alex would leave again. Careful not to wake up Sweetie Bell who was sleeping next to him, he placed her on the couch, she frowned a little while trying to find her brother's warm but luckily for him she didn't wake up. Alex went down stairs to cook some breakfast for everypony, since he was in a bakery, it didn’t take long for him to find all the ingredients to make some Pancakes.

Sure, go ahead. You already broke inside the place at night once anyway.

After a while the smell started to wake up the rest of the gang, Spike was the first to come down to the kitchen:

“Wow Alex I must admit those Pancakes smell awesome (sniff sniff)... is that banana?”

Highly trained assassin, master chef, charismatic young man.

Yep, sounds like your typical Assassin's Creed protagonist.

“Yep, I used banana in the mix, hope you don’t mind”

“No no no! I love Banana Pancakes, thanks!”

I’m honestly surprised Spike isn’t saying something along the lines of “in the entire history of Equestria, nobody has ever tried to add bananas to a pancake”.

“You’re welcome, ok here comes the first one, go ahead and eat, there will be plenty for all of us!”

“Ok!” - Spike replied with a big smile.

The rest of the gang came in next. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow dash and Applejack were drooling after smelling the delicious banana pancakes.

Rarity looked at them and said:

“Oh my! Could you at least show some manners like Sweetie Bell and I! Isn't that right Sweetie... what?!” - Rarity was shocked as she saw Sweetie Bell drooling too - "I really can't believe this is happening!" - She said.

The ponies must be hungry for Alex's pancakes cock.

Alex was so happy to see them enjoy the breakfast he prepared. While eating Applejack asked Alex:

“So, what is today's plan sugarcube?”

“Well, first of all, I want to talk to Mayor Mare, I think that since I was officially Equestrian and a Ponyville resident they might have taken me as dead after the things that happened, so I have to go there myself and fix that right away, then I think I will visit Zecora and Proud Hammer with the CMC.”

Why bring the CMC with you? I can sort of understand Sweetie Belle, as much as I don't want to believe it, but why bring the others with you? Hell, why isn't Spike coming along with you?

It’s like every other character in this story was just a prop with a specific role to fulfill.

“Sounds like a good plan to me, in that case and after yah do that, do yah mind coming to Sweet Apple Acres with me? Ah would like to show Big Mac and Granny Smith that yah are back!”

Alex agreed: “Sure, no problem Applejack.”

“Thanks sugarcube!"

Twilight reminded Alex of the things he mentioned before: “And don’t forget Alex, we have to go to the castle and bring your stuff, and the books you promised me of course!"

“Ok Twilight., but I must tell you, we’ll need at least two or three big wagons.” - Alex replied - “As I said before, I didn’t know if my plan of coming back would work but in case it did, I wanted to be prepared so this is the reason why I brought a lot of things.”

“And where do you plan to put all that stuff” - She asked.

“That’s the thing; I really don’t want to leave everything at Rarity’s place so I was thinking about getting my own place."

Rarity interrupted him: “That's nonsense darling, we will make room for everything in my place, no offense but I don’t think you are able to buy a big house right now, so don’t worry, the basement has a lot of room” - Alex didn’t say anything because he knew she was right.

He's got a castle he can slum in. He doesn't need to have Rarity whore out her basement to this chucklefuck.

There are not enough words to describe how much I don’t care. Here he is, in a world of magic and fantasy, discussing about moving boxes.

“But, isn’t that my bedroom? I mean, it was still my bedroom when I left.”

“Yes darling, it WAS your bedroom, but not anymore; do you think after all you have done for us I will let you sleep in a basement? No sir, you will have a decent room this time!” - Rarity said.

"How about sharing my bedroom?! - Sweetie Bell asked, but after seeing everyone's faces it was easy to understand the obvious. "Well, at least I tried..."

"I really appreciate what you are doing for me Rarity; I just didn't want to bother you…"

“And you are not darling, believe me." Rarity said with a lovely voice.

“Thanks Rarity, I will never get tired of saying this. You are the most generous pony I've ever met” (hearing this made her blush).

*tipping fedora furiously*

The fun thing is, in the show, Rarity doesn’t blush from compliments; she takes them gracefully. I’ve only seen her blush from anger, embarrassment and the time she had a crush on a hipster unicorn. Then again, the author most likely learned everything he knows about women from watching shitty harem anime.

“Ok then, it’s settled, I will go do my business and we will get back here in three hours so we can go to the Castle”. Everypony agreed on this. Alex put on his metapendant, immediately turning into a pony and started his way to the Mayor’s office.

While on their way, Sweetie Bell jumped on top of Alex's head:

“Mmm, it’s not the same, you are taller in your human form, but I still like it. This is still the best place to be, ever!”

“Hehehe! Sorry about the height sister, but don’t worry, after speaking to my friends I will carry you in my human form, I promise!”

She agreed with a big smile.

“I hope that includes us!” Applebloom said while pointing at Scootaloo.

“Of course it does you little cuties” Alex answered as they shared a smile.

Great...we're in for more of this saccharine bullshit. Better stock up on barf bags.

After walking for a while, they finally arrived at Mayor Mare's office. Her secretary welcomed them and asked: “Hello sir, what can I do for you?”

“Hi! I need to talk to Mayor Mare, it’s a little urgent please.”

“Ok, can you please tell me your name sir” - She asked.

“Alejandro, but my friends call me Alex!" - He answered.

“I see, Aleja. . . – she frowned and asked him in an upset tone - is this some kind of sick joke, why are you using that name?”

“Beg your pardon?”

Yeah, I mean it's not like Alejandro is a one-person exclusive name.

“I helped Mayor Mare fill and archive the human Alejandro’s death certificate a few months ago, not many ponies know this but she really was hurt when we heard the news about his death, so if you think I will take part in th. . .”

She hadn’t finished her sentence when a bright light blinded her, when the light faded she opened her eyes and saw Alex the human standing in front of her.

“You see lady; I’ve been called Alex since I was a little kid. Please call the Mayor so she knows I’m still alive”

She stood there, shocked. She had heard some rumors from ponies that didn’t go to the party where he showed himself again, she didn’t believe them. But here HE was, standing in front of her, after a few seconds she said “Yes Mr. Alex” and then trotted in tears to her boss’ office. A few seconds later, the Mayor showed up. As soon as she saw him, she ran to him at full speed bringing him to the ground (he was getting used to it) giving him a huge hug:

“Oh my. . . Fine Scrolls, you weren’t lying, Thanks Celestia! IT’S YOU ALEX, YOU ARE ALIVE!”

Wait, why was this Fine Scrolls pony crying over Alex? It's the first time we saw the damn character, yet she's established a friendship with Alex offscreen. What that hell is this nonsense?!

Also, notice how he entered in pony form and waited until she got upset to reveal himself. This is some “Grade A” attention whoring.

“Yes Mayor Mare! So how is my favorite Politician in the world?”

“Better than ever! Please come into my office, we have so much to talk!”

“Ok, just give me a second!” – Alex replied.

Alex put his pendant back on, Mayor Mare and Fine Scrolls looked amazed at his transformation, once he turned into a pony, she asked:

“Wow! So now you can turn into a Pony?”

“Yes, it’s a long story, but let’s go into your office - he turned to the CMC - you girls please wait here, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Alex followed the Mayor into her office so they could talk. He told her the whole story. The Mayor was amazed at how her friend managed to avoid death again, he was a really lucky human; she promised him to remove his death certificate from the records. Once they were done, they shared a hug and said their farewells.

“It’s good to have you around again Alex.”

“I say the same Mare” – Alex replied.

This shit right here is something that could have been summarized on a single line or just taken care by any other character, but nope, we have to endure the whole thing because the author wants to let us know how much these ponies missed his fucking self-insert. And notice how Alex doesn’t ask Mayor Mare a single question about her or how thing have been going in Ponyville.

Alex and the crusaders started their way to the next stop: Proud Hammer’s Workshop.

Oh hey, it's that idiot OC who was swinging all those hammers in the previous chapter.

When they arrived, he was there working in a new set of armor. After seeing Alex and the kids, he stopped to greet them:

“Hello ponies, what can I do for you today?”

“Well Mr. Hammer I came for. . .”

Alex was interrupted by a crushing big hug from Proud Hammer.

“Cut the chat kiddo, I know it’s you!”

“What? But how?” Alex asked looking really surprised.

“First of all, you look the same as always, a few differences but you are still the same.

If he's the same, then why didn't the Mane 6 recognize him on sight?

Hammer Pony is not the author’s self-insert, but he’s still one of his Original Characters, therefore, he gets more attention than the rest. I bet the cocksucker is even going to fight in the tournament.

Second, a friend of mine who was in Mrs. Pinkie Pie party yesterday told me some things, rumors you know; they spread faster than you think. I wanted to make sure if they were real or not, but then I wondered if you would come and try to fool me!”

“Hahahahaha! – Alex hugged him with all of his strength – it’s nice to see you again old pony”

“Thanks Alex! Now, how about you sharing your story with me so I know how is this reunion possible?” Proud Hammer asked.

“Ok, I will!” Alex answered.

Proud Hammer gave Alex and the Crusaders some lemonade as Alex told him everything he wanted to know. Proud Hammer was amazed but most of all, he was happy. Once he was done telling his story, Alex asked him:

“Proud, I’ve been thinking about my gear. Do you know what happened to my DS armor and bracelets?”

Don’t you want to ask him how he’s been doing first? What the fuck, man! I know this shit only exists to stroke the author’s pitiful dick, but can you at least pretend that isn’t the case?

“Well, after we all thought you were gone, Princess Celestia and Luna decided to store all of your gear and weapons at Canterlot Museum, many ponies tried to convince her to sell them but she and Spike made it clear that it wasn’t happening.”

Those faceless ponies have a point, what good is storing a set of armor, and those fucking shitty retard blades, at a museum?

Alex blushed: “Well, I am really honored but now that I’m back, all those items will lose their value. I have to make sure to get them all back when I go to Canterlot.”

I wonder how much their value would drop if the ponies knew it’s just some shit you made using a YouTube video.

“If you say so kiddo!” – Proud Hammer said.

Alex and the CMC said their goodbyes and started their way to Zecora’s house. Scootaloo offered to carry them in a wagon puller by her scooter, Alex and the rest got on it and were carried by her powerful wings. Alex wondered how it wasn’t possible for her to fly but after looking carefully, he noticed that her wings were shorter than the others – “Maybe they will grow as time passes by” – he said to himself.

Or maybe they never will since she’s a disabled orphan who lives under a bridge and only wishes to be adopted by Rainbow Dash! At least that’s what you would think if you went by some of the stories on FimFiction.

What, I don't even know how to reply to this.

Thanks to Scootaloo, the arrived at Zecora’s house in a very short time. Alex knocked the door and Zecora came to see who it was, after seeing the Crusaders and a pony she never saw before, she asked:

“Hello my friends; please tell me, who is this pony standing in my presence?”

“Hello Miss Zecora, my name is Alex; I just moved to Ponyville.” Alex answered.

How long is this reintroducing padding going to last? It's just like how Zombie Simpsons pad out pointless scenes, in an attempt to eat clock.

Zecora’s eyes widened when she heard his name, being a Zebra who didn’t believed in coincidences she asked them to come into her house. Once they were inside, Zecora asked:

“Alex, have you and I have met before?”

Alex decided to make it short: “Yes ma’am, we have!”

“But when? She asked.

“Don’t you remember the occasion when you knocked me out the first time we met? When you saved my life when those two Manticores found Spike and I in the Everfree Forest, or the time you helped me to stop the Diamond dog Invasion?”

Zecora was almost crying by this moment, for the first time in her life, it seemed as if she couldn’t find a rhyme to tell what she was thinking. Alex didn’t want to wait anymore so he removed his pendant, when the light faded, everypony could see the human Alex, hugging his Zebra friend.

“Don’t you remember how I really look like?” He asked.

Zecora was already crying.

There's all these tears for Alex, who turns out to be alive, but where's all the tears for Blueblood? He wouldn't have rebelled, had he not been treated like crap by the princesses.

You would think a show called “Friendship is Magic” would attract characters like Son Goku and Kenshin Himura, a merciful dude and a pacifist respectively, instead of “badass motherfuckers” who solve everything with violence and murder. I think it’s a good indicator of the age of the writers, if you ask me.

“Alex my friend, I thought your life had already reached its end?”

“No my friend, even though I almost die, I am still alive, and I plan to keep like that for a very long time.”

They shared a few more hugs and once she stopped crying Alex started telling the whole story on how he survived; she was amazed by hearing how he was able to come back to Equestria, after spending some time together they said their farewells but promised to get together sometime.

Thank you for expressing joy for Alex’s return and listening to his story, Zecora. You can go now; and don’t worry, we’ll make sure to call you if we ever need you again.

Alex and the rest got on Scootaloo’s wagon again as she carried them to Sweet Apple Acres in order to meet Applejack and the family. The meeting with the Apples was quick and sweet, Big Mac and Granny Smith couldn’t hide their happiness after seeing him again and didn’t stop telling how they knew Applejack had chosen a good stallion, one that could even come back from the dead, Alex blushed a little and laughed but Applejack looked totally embarrassed from hearing this.

Aw come on Applejack, Alex liked your mane, stating that blondes drive him crazy. If you can survive that, then some mild embarrassment should be shrugged off easily.

Granny Smith is not getting younger and she wants her mutant grandchildren right now.

Once they were done, they started their way back to the Library so they could meet the others.

Once all of them were together, they decided to go to the Everfree Forest, taking three empty wagons with them. Getting to the castle didn’t take long, everypony took this opportunity to tell Alex all they did when he was away; he was flattered when he heard about his statue in Canterlot, he also asked Twilight about how she became a Princess along with some other questions. Once they arrived to the castle, Alex went to his room to get his clothes and backpack. He then, proceeded to remove the rocks that were covering the entrance to the room where he left all of his things. Once the rocks were removed, all of the things he brought with him were revealed, everypony was amazed to see all of the wood and cardboard boxes he brought with him, some boxes were even were bigger than themselves. They wondered how it was possible for Alex to bring these many things, but after knowing Pinkie Pie for so long they knew many unexplained things could happen.

How interes-zzz....

A single line about asking Twilight “some questions”, among an entire paragraph of moving stuff. Fucking priorities, son.

Suddenly, a sound came from a covered cage in the corner of the room; Alex got some bird food from his backpack and feed whatever was inside that box.

“Easy fellows, I know this is not Guatemala but you will have the honor to be the first ones of your species in Equestria, and you will have a very good friend so please be good, she is very special to me!”

“Alex, what do you have in there? Did, you by any chance brought what I think you did?” Fluttershy asked, it was so easy to see the excitement all over her face.

“Yes Fluttershy, please come and meet them” Alex answered.

Fluttershy went to where the cage was and removed the sheet to reveal what Alex was hiding; there were six Quetzals three males and three females. Fluttershy stood there, silently watching the beautiful birds Alex brought for her.

“Thank you Alex! Oh sweet Celestia, I can’t believe it! You brought Quetzals here to Equestria! They are so beautiful and look exactly as the ones you showed me on the photos, I love their tails! I’m the first pony ever to see a new bird species; and you brought six of them! I will have many Quetzals! Thank you! Thank you so much!” – Fluttershy was unable to hide her excitement.

“You are very welcome Fluttershy; I knew you would like them. Please go on and talk to them!” – Alex said.

Moe Horse looks like she stepped into a Disney movie all of a sudden.

Let’s set aside the fact this cocksucker got his paws on several members of a near-threatened species; how does he know this won’t fuck up the ecosystem of Equestria?

Fluttershy let them out and started talking to them, Alex was shocked as how they seemed to understand her and also looked like they were smiling “Of course, this is Equestria and they look cartoonish now” Alex said to himself. He left Fluttershy and went back with the rest of the gang so they could help him take out the rest of the things he brought for them.

“Well guys, as I mentioned, I brought some more things to share with you all!” He said very excited.

They were very happy and anxious from hearing this.

“Girls – Alex said - just one thing, some of the stuff I brought, I don’t think will fit in Rarity’s front door so I will need to store them inside a warehouse for the time being. Do you think there will be a problem?” – Alex asked.

“Don’t worry sugarcube; I’m pretty sure Mayor Mare will agree.

At this point I’m sure she would shove that stuff down her asshole if he asked nicely.

Can you please tell me why do you think they won’t fit?” Rarity asked.

“Let’s just say, there are things meant to be used on the outside, on open fields, until the time is right, I promise I will show them to you! – Alex answered.

He bought them a sports car, didn't he...


Quick question, why did you feel it was necessary to draw this scene?

We could ask the same for two thirds of the “illustrations” in these stories.

Once everything was loaded in the wagons they brought, they started their way back to Ponyville. As Alex asked, they stored the bigger boxes inside a warehouse and even got a special permission from the Mayor so nopony would be allowed to check what was inside the boxes, Twilight used a powerful locking spell, just for added security.

Why? Did you get them guns?

Pinkie's got a gun

Pinkie's got a gun~

The rest of the things were taken to Carousel Boutique, once there and after reuniting with the CMC, every box was taken to Alex’s new room on the second floor, when they were done carrying all the boxes, Alex asked everypony to leave the room except for Twilight. After a little while they could see both of them leaving his room. Twilight was carrying four cardboard boxes using her magic; there was an expression on her face as if she had seen something unbelievable.

“So Twilight, do you think it will be possible? Otherwise, that stuff will be useless.”

“No problem Alex, I just have to make some minor adjustments to my computer crystal power source, but I’m sure I will be able to make at least a couple of them by next week?” – Twilight answered.

Scratch that, this fucker brought his games with him!

“One week?! That is so fast! You really are a genius!”

“No problem Alex, the faster I finish them, the quicker I will see THOSE things working and I really can’t wait for it!”

This secrecy bullshit is really starting to piss me off.

“Me too Twilight! Well, I hope you enjoy the books I brought: history, science, electricity, space and the solar system, some novels, the human biology, dictionaries and encyclopedias. Just one thing, I must warn you about, please remember that humans had some wars, so some of our story is a little dark, please don’t be scared of it and remember that we have improved a lot since then.”

Not only did America vote in what could possibly be the worst US President of all time, but the SJW's have grown even more bigoted, entitled, and hypocritical than usual. Improved my ass...

Crap, gotta calm down. I don't want to sound like all the misanthropic bronies.

“Don’t worry Alex, it’s not like we haven’t had our own wars but thanks for the advice anyway” – Twilight replied.

“Ok, I understand, but Twilight those books are exclus. . . .” She interrupted him: “Don’t worry about that Alex, these books are for my personal collection and only Lyra and our friends and I are allowed to read them”

Why? Why you don’t want to share all that knowledge? What if there’s stuff on those books that could help ponies greatly improve their quality of life?

“Thanks Twilight, ok NOW! Is everypony else ready for their presents?!”

“What? Did you bring presents for all of us?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Of course Dashie, do you think I’d only bring presents for Twili and Shy?”

Fuck...this is going to be the rest of the chapter. The pony gift-giving extravaganza

“Well not that, but…what did you bring for me?!”

Alex opened one of the boxes and took out some black and white t-shirts and caps; he also took out a necklace.

“Knowing you and how awesome you are, I thought these things are very much your style”

Rainbow started checking her new shirts and caps, sure they would need some modifications for her wings but if she could describe them with one word, it would be AWESOME! She loved every shirt and cap, some of them had a strange logo: a hand with bandages holding a lightning on the front and the words “Best in the World” on the back. Some other shirts read “I’m awesome” on the front and “You are not” on the back, the caps had the same catchphrases and finally, the necklace was bathed in silver with the shape of her cutie mark. She wasn’t the kind of pony used to wear jewelry, but she loved this necklace so much.

“Alex, thank you, thank you so much. I love them! I want to use them right away”

Why would Rainbow Dash be so excited over wearing merchandise based on her life? She should be horrified that humans are profiting over her life.

Really now? This guy is like that rich friend who travels all over the world, comes to your house to talk extensively about his trip and ends up telling you about how he did not forget about you before handing you a miserable keychan he probably snatched for a penny at the airport.

“For you Rarity, I brought some Fashion magazines, every single famous style for the past twenty years with pictures and all, and I also brought this…”

Alex handed over the books and a necklace with her cutie mark, Rarity saw some of the pictures with excitement in her eyes.

“Thank you Alex, I really appreciate it! With these books and new ideas I will be unstoppable now, I really love my necklace too, I must say it’s a fine work but tell me how? Did you tell someone about us?” – She asked.

“Not really, there are many people who can make custom jobs you know, jewelry; plushies; almost anything in my world so I asked someone to make your cutie marks, as long as you pay they make no questions. To them I was just a random guy with an odd request, that’s all”

With how much shit you bought from them, those people must be laughing their way to the bank.

Alex said that handling a necklace to Twilight and Fluttershy who were also amazed by how their cutie marks looked.

“I see! Anyway, thank you darling, I love it”

Alex brought some Stetson black and brown hats for Applejack and her necklace as well.

“Thanks sugarcube, ah really like them! I’ll use them with pride”

“You are very welcome Applejack” Alex said.

It was Pinkie’s turn; she was bouncing all over the place: “My turn! My turn! My turn!”

Alex chuckled and said:

“Pinkie, it was a little difficult but after thinking what to give to somepony as funny as you, the only answer it came to my mind was to give you this…!”

Alex took out an original big Pinkie Pie Plushie (making sure there weren’t any labels on it) and her own cutie mark necklace. Pinkie Pie stared at her Plushie, it was perfect and beautifully crafted, she hugged it with all of her strength and then she hugged Alex and said:

“Thank you Ali, I love it and my necklace too. I will call her mini-Pinkie!”

"I shall call her...Mini-Me!"

“You are very welcome Pinkie. I’m glad you liked it”

Alex noticed Rainbow Dash staring at the Plushie, she said:

“Wow dude, I must say it is really an awesome job. It’s as if the person who did this had a lot of experience making pony toys!”

“What can I say, I only got the best of the best, but let me guess, you want one right?”

“What? Of…of course not” She immediately replied rolling her eyes.

“Oh! Come on Dashie! You know you do!” Alex said.

“Ok, maybe I do want a little one. I mean, any Plushie that looks like me would be awesome!”

Especially after you attach your dildo to it.

“Ok Dashie, I will get one for you the next time I go back to earth.”

“Thanks dude, but you don’t need to hurry, we like having you here” She replied.

It was Spike’s turn, Alex brought a lot of DC and Marvel comics and encyclopedias,

Oh goodie, I can't wait to see Spike's reaction to this...

he also brought the coolest toy he could think about; it looked like some kind of vehicle, it was colored blue with red flames, Spike, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie had their mouths wide open:

“Alex, is this what I think it is?” Spike asked.

“And what do you think it is?”

“It is a Transformer, right?”

Alex was surprised on how Spike knew what it was so he asked: “But how did you know? Did you watch more movies on my laptop? You guys saw the Transformers movie right?! - Spike nodded – Well, did you like it?”

Rainbow dash said: “Well, I think it’s one of the most AMAZING things I have ever seen!”

-Micheal Bay Transformers

My fucking sides...

Alex got a little disappointed since it wasn’t a surprise anymore. He took out Optimus Prime from its box and after following the instructions inside it (and a fair amount of time) he transformed it into a robot, Spike and everypony else were marveled by it, the action figure was simply amazing! He couldn’t believe what he just saw, toys in his world couldn’t even compare to this, and its details were incredible! Spike would love robots more than ever.

“Wow Alex, this is so cool!”

“I’m happy you liked it Spike, take these too, they are all yours!”

Alex gave Spike five more Transformers which he took to Twilight’s room followed by Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash “We must play with one of those”, they said. It was funny, they were still so innocent.

It was the Crusaders turn now, Alex took out three Reinforced grown-up tricycles, everypony regretted not having a camera to take pictures of their faces full of excitement and confusion as they didn’t know what these things were. Alex figured out they never saw one so after a brief explanation the three of them proceeded to test their tricycles, Alex was happy about the quality of the materials used to craft them –“They may be little ponies but they are still fillies, surely they weigh more than a regular human child, or maybe not.” - (After all, he had carried them more than once and they weren’t heavier than an average human kid).

Tricycle, tricycle, tricycle

I want to ride my tricycle, tricycle, tricycle~

I see a red door and I want it painted black

No colours anymore, I want them to turn black

After watching them play for some minutes, Alex said:

“Scootaloo, please come here!”

She rode her tricycle were Alex was standing.

“What is it Alex bro?”

“(Alex bro? Ok?) Scootaloo, I know and have seen how good you are with your scooter, so I thought maybe you should try this as well.”

Alex gave her a Reinforced Avalanche Skateboard, Scootaloo examined it; it looked like her scooter but it had a steering Wheel and some kind of seat, the wheels looked tougher, but the coolest thins were the metallic pieces on it (she loved it , not as much as her scooter but still loved it). Naturally, she figured out how to use it. After sitting on it, she put her hooves on the steer wheel and proceeded to flap her wings like always, she soon reached a nice speed and being the amazing driver she was, she didn’t crash against anything at Rarity’s home. Everypony was marveled by this vehicle Alex gave to Scootaloo, it simply was amazing, Scootaloo didn’t want to admit it but this Avalanche Skateboard was maybe as cool as her scooter, she stopped driving it an hugged Alex:

“Thank you Alex, I mean it! These gifts are so amazing!”

“No Problem Scoots, I brought the best for my little sisters” – Alex said.

What?! Is Alex adopting Scootaloo and Applebloom all of a sudden?!

“Sister? Really? But I thought. . .”

“Scootaloo, Sweetie Bell and I had said this many times by now, I will say it just one more time, you and Applebloom are like my sisters too. Please never forget that!”

I swear I’m three seconds away from puking my entire digestive system.

Did you know that the design for this skateboard was inspired by one of Alejin's childhood toys?

How the fuck is that piece of shit better than her scooter? Did you ever see the kind of stuff that filly can do with it?

Scootaloo was so happy, she started crying and hugged Alex again. She wasn’t sure if Alex meant those words before but now, she was sure of it. She had an incredible sister as Rainbow Dash but she also had a cool brother now. The rest of the crusaders joined her and thanked Alex again for all the presents he brought for them. Finally, Alex gave them some candies from Earth to all of them; he brought three full boxes with different candies and chocolates: Snickers, Milky-way, Marinela, KitKat, Colombina, M&Ms, Butterfingers, and many others, Rainbow Dash finally understood the Joke Alex said when she saw and tasted Skittles for the first time. Everypony got a fair amount of candies and chocolates. Pinkie Pie wanted to eat them all at once, making a huge effort to control herself, she said:

“Ali . . . these are the best candies have I ever tasted! – Everypony agreed - Don’t get me wrong, our candies and chocolates are amazing, but these are on another league. I’m going to tell Bombom and Twist to examine some of these and see if we can make our own!”

Alex only rolled his eyes, he had to admit that Bombon candies were very good but they couldn’t be compared to a bar of Snickers or Skittles, if she and Pinkie Pie managed successfully make their own, maybe he would witness the raise of a candy empire.

It's me or the author thinks the copious amounts of cocksucking his self-insert receives are balanced by the occassional and horribly fake-sounding compliments he gives to the ponies?

Scoffing a lot of chocolates, while cuddling a pony plushie. This must be an accurate representation of the authors life.

Snickers. The best candy Pinkie ever tasted, much better than anything in Equestria is fucking Snickers.

Once the Crusaders were done eating most of their candies and chocolates, they left everything in Sweetie’s room, along with the spare parts Alex brought for their tricycles. Applejack looked a little worried so she asked him:

“Do yah think they should be showing those tricycles around Ponyville sugarcube? Those things aren’t from around here and will raise a lot of questions.”

“Don’t worry Applejack, they are not really that impressive or futuristic, maybe some ponies will ask what they are or how can they get one for their fillies or colts, maybe they will ask you, Rarity or Rainbow Dash for your permission to study them and make some copies. What would be wrong with that?”

“You are right, how I wish we knew you when we were little. I must admit those things look really fun!”

That's it ponies, suck your masters dick like no tomorrow!

Alex couldn’t believe how much they were impressed with things so common in his world; he started to think what kind of reaction they would have when they finally saw what he had stored inside the warehouse. Would they be ready for it?

The only reason they are impressed with all that garbage is because the author reduced their mental faculties to that of a toddler. Ponies already have arcade machines, scooters and skateboards.

Honestly, this whole gift selection was pure garbage. You can tell the author doesn’t have an ounce of creativity and just went for the most obvious shit he could think of. Twilight? Books of course. Rarity? Fashion magazines. Applejack and Rainbow Dash? Just give them some clothes. Fluttershy? Animals! Pinkie? Candy! The CMC? Toys! Spike? Comics and toys, but the “manly” kind.

If it were me, I would give them culture. The biggest, thickest encyclopaedias I could find, books to cover as many subjects as possible, from STEM to art, history and cooking, the freaking Bible, dictionaries for the most widely spoken languages, classic novels, etc. Don’t bring the kids some shitty toys; bring them books about folklore and mythology from countries all over the world, classic tales. You want to give them comic books? Great, give them the best of some of our most famous icons. How about some Alan Moore?

What I want to say is, put some fucking effort on your writing, you lazy, spanish sperging dickmongler.



Celestia, Luna, Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were returning from their long trip. Both Princesses were really excited about the Gladiator’s Tournament that was going to take place in Canterlot.

“Tia, do you plan to invite Princess Twilight and her friends?”

“Yes Lulu, I think she can help us prepare everything for the event, I think this will help her to get used to her knew title. Besides, we need to ask her if she wants to let Spike compete”

Did Spike ever fought on the previous story? I mean, aside of ordering the Bisons around and striking the Changeling Queen by surprise, I don’t remember anything else.

“Yes! I’d really like to see that! - Cadence said - the poor little guy’s mood has been down since . . . you know.”

“Yes honey, I think everypony’s mood has been down since that day, but hey! Let’s cheer up! I’m sure he wouldn’t like to see us like this.”

All the paths lead to Alex, as always.

“You are right - Luna said - trust me, I know you are right! It’s just . . . he was one of my VERY few friends outside of my family, he liked my nights, he played with me, and he even gave us his Iphone.”

"No wonder you've been shirking your duty."

"What can I say? I really wanted that high score on Angry Birds."

“Iphone? What’s that?” – Shining Armor asked.

Luna’s eyes widened in surprise while Celestia just facehoofed herself for her mistake. She had forgotten they never told Shining and Cadence about Alex’s tech, she spilled the beans about it, so they both decided to tell them all the truth, after showing the Iphone and making a little demonstration about the Apps, music, games and videos, both Rulers of the Cristal Empire were Speechless.

“Wow! This device is amazing! And you are telling me Twili has more like this at Ponyville!?”

“Yes Cadence, Alex left them to her and Spike as a parting gift, she uses it to study and Spike… well, to play. Sometimes she borrows it to us, sorry if we didn’t tell you sooner but we wanted to study them first, as Alex, Luna and I think many ponies are not prepared for something like this, not yet.”

“I understand aunt. But really, human technology is incredible we better not let it fall in the wrong hoofs.” Cadence said.

Yes, god forbid Queen Chrysallis beat Luna's score in Angry Birds.

Seriously. The whole thing comes off as Alex being worried that if this stuff gets mass produced everybody will divert their attention away from him.

“I agree my little niece, let´s be grateful it came to us from a kind human.”

Both princesses nodded and each went to their own room. Once in her room, Princes Celestia started writing something:

“Dear Princess Twilight. . .”

"I have great news for you, but first, let us remember how awesome Alex was and how much do we miss him."
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post Mar 5 2017, 04:37 PM
QUOTE (Dashguy @ Mar 3 2017, 06:28 AM) *

Yo, hold up a minute. Did this dude just shoe-horn in his main character buying Rainbow Dash a CM Punk t-shirt out of left field?

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post Mar 7 2017, 04:00 AM
Before we begin this chapter, I would like to point out that at the time this chapter was originally posted, Keep Living for Friendship has reached 100 likes on FimFiction.net. To celebrate this, the author decided to draw a special picture for his fans.

As much as it pains me to say this, this may be the best picture he's drawn. Granted, it's still shit, but it's not as bad as some of the other stuff we've seen.

Well, Alex still has a deformed, claw-like left hand and both, his pony form and Spike look like they have been inflating their heads with helium, but the sign looks nice, I guess.

Now we can start this chapter, which involves Alex reuniting with the Royal Family.

On the next morning, Twilight and everypony were getting ready for their trip to Canterlot. She was so excited; this was her very first assignment as a Princess, she had always heard about the Coliseum Tournament but she never ever expected it to be held in Canterlot, it was a lot of responsibility, but it made her happy, not to mention the fact that the other Princesses didn’t know Alex was alive. Once ready, they all got aboard the Train of Friendship:

I doubt everything in Equestria is named after friendship.

To be fair, it’s called the “Friendship Express”.

Ah, I see.

“So Alex, are you excited about seeing the Princesses again?”

“Yes Twilight, It’s not really that long since I saw them, but when someone believes you are dead, I guess time is the last thing that matters”.

“I agree with you Alex, I can’t wait and I can’t believe we will see a real Coliseum tournament!”

“Yeah! What exactly is it Twilight?”

Rainbow Dash was the one to answer:

“Dude, it’s the most exciting event in the entire world, far more important than the Equestria Games or even the Best Flyer Competition, it’s a tournament where the best fighters are gathered to test their abilities to become the strongest warrior in the entire World. I have only seen pictures of the past events and trust me, they look AWESOME!”

I strongly believe that this 'Colosseum Tournament' is actually in the show. It has to be something the author made, in order to stroke his ego.

It is. Also, notice how the event in question is, of course, “far more important” than the freaking Equestria Games, the sort-of equivalent of the Olympics.

“So, neither of you have participated in one of those tournaments, right? – Alex Asked.

Applejack was the one to answer his question:

“No sugarcube, yah see, it’s been ages since one is held in Equestria and yes yah can say one pony can travel to the other countries to watch it or to participate, the problem is that the tickets and the travel fees for the event are really expensive. Trust me, Rainbow Dash and ah had always wanted to go but we can’t afford it”

“I understand, so being the country that is hosting it means that it will be free for us this time, correct?”

“Ah’d like to say it will, but no. The only thing Ah can tell yah is that at least equestrians will have a very good discount in tickets.” - Applejack replied with an optimistic look.

I’m pretty sure Applejack would be more interested in using the opportunity to sell her wares.

“So, who won the last tournament?” – Alex asked.

It was me.

I won the tournament with my bare hands!

Rainbow Dash had read most of the information available regarding these tournaments so she was the one to answer this:

“It was Bright Courage! A powerful Minotaur, he was the best hunter in the entire world. He slew at least one of every monster in all of Equestria, Ursa Minors, Hydras, Manticores, Chimeras and the list goes on, so be sure we will see a lot of Minotaurs this year, it’s a shame he is retired since the last tournament. But maybe we will see him in the audience” – Rainbow Dash was so excited by telling this, it seemed as if she was a big fan of the Minotaur.

Maybe I’m nitpicking here, but I don’t think the ponies would be really fascinated by a guy who goes around killing animals just for the thrill of it.

“Wow! I believe ponies have participated in these tournaments before and it’s not that I underestimate Minotaurs or any other non-magical being but how is it possible for someone to beat a unicorn without magic?” – Alex asked them.

“Oh! You see Alex; there are special rules in these tournaments to make it fair for every participant and to prevent any kind of tragedy. You will hear about them, I promise.” – Twilight answered.

Hopefully one of those rules bans Alex from using his retard blades.

Once again, we gotta make sure the dork can be useful despite not having magic.

“Ok girls; is anypony of you planning to participate in this tournament? – Alex asked, knowing that some of them were.

Everypony shook their heads, excluding Raindow Dash and Spike. Twilight was the only one to notice this:

“Spike! Do you know what I think about you entering the Tournament?”

“…But Rainbow Dash is going to participate, and I think Alex will. Am I right Alex?” – Spike asked.

Fluttershy was looking at Alex, waiting for him to say he wasn’t going to participate. Alex thought Spike was right, maybe he could compete, he had the fighting skills and according to what they told him, he wasn’t risking his life this time.

You’re not fighting a bunch of dumb animals or a pampered prince this time either.

“I don’t know Spike, let’s see what the Princesses have to say first and then I’ll tell you know if I want to participate or not.”

That reminds me, the princesses made an alliance with Discord in the previous story. What ever happened to that plot point?

Come on, you don’t really think the author would allow any character that could eclipse his self-insert, do you?

Spike was a little sad after hearing this: “Ok brother, do as you wish. Twilight… C’mon! You know I can fight now and you know it’s not that dangerous anymore, I know we are talking about some bruises, but you know the lives of the competitors are not in danger and it’s obvious that because of my age, I will fight the younger competitors.”

“I promise I’ll think about it after we speak with the Princesses” – Twilight said, a little reluctant.

The rest of the trip was quiet and nice. They asked Alex some questions about his world and what he did while he was away. They asked him about how he got the Quetzales, which he said it was a very risky thing to do but it was worth it.

Ha-Ha! Because poaching some endangered birds was totally worth it.

Seriously Alex, go eat a bag of dicks.

Everypony laughed when he told them about the first time he used the Teleportation spell, Twilight told him he had it easy, the very first time she tried that not only she teleported to the wrong place but somehow she got her mane on fire, everypony laughed so hard it made the rest of the passengers laugh too. Twilight said she was going to teach him some magic with some help from Sweetie Bell and the rest of the crusaders, Alex was very happy to hear this; he didn’t want to fall on top of things or breaking any stuff again. It was the best thing that some of the greatest magic user were going to teach him.

Honestly? I’m more interested in knowing who taught him martial arts, weapons handling and all that stuff.

They finally arrived at Canterlot, Alex could not hide his excitement for this city; all of its colorful places, the streets and houses, everything was so perfectly crafted, it was still the most beautiful city he had ever seen. When they got off the train they were welcomed by Celestia’s Royal Guards who carried their luggage. They bowed in front of the princess and then started to put all of their things in a wagon. At first, the Royal Guards were suspicious of the unknown pony that came with the heroines and the little dragon hero of Canterlot and the Cristal Empire, Twilight told them he was with them and was a good friend so he had to be treated as such. All of them nodded and took his luggage too, they offered to take them in a chariot but they declined seeing how Alex was excited about being in the city once again, as soon as the guards were gone, everypony started walking through the city’s beautiful streets. Alex was so impressed to see all of the houses looking as good as new, he also remembered how damaged the city was after the fight that took place there.


They visited Donut’s Joe and Pixel Berry Bar, none of them recognized Alex but that was fine since he didn’t want to get a lot of attention. Alex wasn’t paying much attention on the road because he was thinking about how the princesses would react after knowing he was still alive, all of a sudden he crashed against his favorite noble Fancy Pants. He used his magic to help him stand up and then he heard these words:

“How dare you do that to Mr. Fancy Pants you commoner” - Jet Set said.

Oh fuck me, not this tosser again!


(Déjà vu)

“Sigh . . . would it help if I say it was an accident?”

“Of course n. . . . .” – Jet Set was interrupted by Fancy Pants: “Yes of course young boy. . .”

“My name is Alex, thank you Mr. Fancy Pants” Jet set seemed to shudder when he heard that name.

“Alex? How curious, anyway I’m sorry for bumping into you”

“No need to Apologize Mr. Fancy Pants” – Alex replied.

“Well thank you boy, and Miss Rarity I see you are here with your friends and this fine Stallion. May I ask why?”

“Yes you may, you see we are here to help Princess Celestia with an up-coming event” – Rarity answered. She didn’t want to spoil it so she didn’t reveal the name.

“Oh I see, well I hope we can have a little talk later including your friends of course. See you later!”

Everypony started to walk, but Jet Set got near Alex and whispered.

“You are lucky peasant, I don’t know why but I feel I’ve seen you before. I’ll tell you this, commoners like you are not welcomed here…”

“Whatever you say old man; now let me give you an advice of my own, stay out of my way or I will break your nose like I heard somepony did at Gala 2.” – Alex replied with an evil grin on his face.

Tell me Dashguy, have you ever seen a Human in Equestria protagonist, who wasn't a raging dickhead?

Nope. At best, you get guys like Alex, who act “nice” towards the “good guys” and treat those the author doesn’t like total shit. At worst, you get guys that are gigantic assholes yet everybody loves them somehow. Speaking about the latter, there are stories in which the opposite occurs: the guy doesn’t so much as raise his hand to say “hi” and the ponies immediately jump on his throat like hungry wolves. Don’t get me wrong, those stories are as much of a power fantasy as this one; for once the guy gets some power, he immediately goes to enact vengeance on all ponies, regardless of the fact it was only a few who wronged him.

I'll admit that I have never heard of these 'ponies attack self-insert and he wipes them out in revenge' stories.

Here's one.

Jet Set stood there, shocked. Everypony else in his group was trying to make him move, Alex kept on walking towards the rest of his gang with a huge smile on his snout.

He didn’t reveal himself to Fancy Pants or tell him where they were going. In other words, the whole scene was written so Alex could feel like a badass by threatening Jet Set. Nice.

After walking for a little longer, Alex and the rest arrived at the Palace, Thanks to Twilight’s influence Alex got a room just for him; Princess Celestia was a little busy at the Throne room, so all of them waited inside their rooms for her to be available. After approximately an hour, they were summoned to the throne room, the mane 6 and Spike were the first ones to enter, once they were inside, they were surprised to find not only the Princesses but Cadence and Shining Armor as well. After a brief welcome, Princess Celestia said:

“Welcome my little ponies I hope your travel here was nice!”

“You have no idea Princess Celestia. I speak for everypony by saying that this was the best train ride since months.” Rarity answered, everypony else nodded.

“Really?! May I ask why?” – Princess Celestia asked.

“Well, we have the company of a very good friend of ours. One we missed so much” – Rarity answered.

“I see. May I know the name of this particular pony?”

“Well, why don’t we let him come in and ask him yourself, I’m pretty sure you will find him quite interesting, he is outside the room now.”

NO! Not more of this padding shit!

“Why didn’t you say so before? Guards! Please let Princess Sparkle’s friend come in”

The royal guards escorted the mysterious pony into the room until Alex was in front of the four princesses.

“Hello my little pony, nice to meet you” – Princess Celestia said.

“Hey Princess Celestia, it’s an honor to see you again…”

“Again? That’s curious. Forgive me if I don’t remember meeting you before.”

“Don’t worry Princess; I know I look a lot different from the last time we met.”

Unicorn prostitutes tend to change appearances all the time.

Twilight and her friends tried not to laugh. It seemed nopony recognized him yet. Alex turned to Luna:

“Princess Luna, I must say it’s nice to meet you again. And by the way, it’s a beautiful night out there; you’ve really outdone yourself as always.”

A couple of days ago, my Mom came back home and, as soon as she entered, she whispered to me that her Goddaughter was hiding behind the door and asked me to act surprised when she jumps out. I did as I told. This shit reminds me exactly of that. The difference is that my Mom’s Goddaughter is six years-old and she was on vacation for a week, while Alex is on his middle twenties and was supposed to be fucking dead.

Princess Luna blushed.

Let me give you some advice, GorillaGamer. If you ever find yourself in Equestria and want to score with Princess Luna, just make sure you compliment her night sky. You’ll have her eating from your palm in no time.

Why would I want to score with Princess Luna?

Don't knock it until you've tried it, son.

She was still confused, who was this Pony? She was pretty sure she never met many ponies outside the elements and the royalty circle, but still this pony seemed familiar. His face, his hair, even his eyes; those clothes and shoes and his pendant, HIS PENDANT! Where did she see that pendant before? She started to walk near him to inspect him it a little closer. Alex noticed this and said:

“Do you like my pendant? It’s nice isn’t it? A very good friend of mine gave it to me as a parting gift!”

Princess Luna stopped at some inches from where he was, she looked at it for a little longer, until she finally recognized it. It was impossible!

“. . . not possible! It’s just, this is not possible!” – She said.

Hey, that's the same thing I said when I learnt that there was a sequel to Keep Living for Friendship.

Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor kept staring at Luna and the nameless pony; they got even more confused after seeing the Elements sharing some tears. Luna ignored them; Alex let out a tear and said:

“It’s possible, trust me. You wanted me to see the world as you do and I really want to thank you for that Luna!”

Luna’s eyes widened as she started to cry.

“May I please …?”

“Of course Luna, you may.” Alex said while lowering his head.

Luna used her magic to slowly remove Alex’s Metapendant. Everypony was immediately surrounded by the brightest light they had ever seen. When the light was gone there he was: Alex the human, hugging a shocked Luna. Princess Celestia, her guards and the rest stood there in silence.

“I missed you my moon-friend.” Alex said.

Moon-friends, the fuck?

Seriously, that’s specially gay, even for My Little Pony.

Luna was so full of questions: “How is this possible? He was dead, and maybe this is a changeling. But Twilight must have used a scanning Spell before bringing him here. Maybe some sort of necromancy? No! He didn’t smell rotten and he looks like he has a soul, maybe a joke…”
The elements and her sister were looking at him, Luna could have tried to find many explanations but in the end none of them mattered. Alex was here, in front of her. Following her instincts, she hugged him.


He looks like he’s hugging a Great Dane.

“I MISSED YOU TOO!” Luna said using her Canterlot Royal voice.

Alex was about to say something but was interrupted by a hug from Princess Celestia who was also crying.

“Alex?! Are you really him? But how…?”

“I promise I will explain everything, but for now, please let me give you a hug.” Alex answered. He was unable to stop crying.

It just ocurred to me, why does he have to be the one explaining everything? I mean, all he knows is that he woke up in a hospital where they saved his life, period. Why is he the one who come up with theories for that shit?

Princess Cadence and Shining Armor said:

“Alex, we thought you were dead!”

“Everypony was thinking the same thing Shining, everypony including myself. I thought those were my last moments. I will explain all of this later, but please let me enjoy this moment first!”

Shining nodded and then hugged Alex along with the princesses.



After sharing his story on how he was able to survive, Alex and the rest; including the princesses, were sitting at a large table. Luna was sitting next to Alex asking him some random questions. Celestia said:

“So Alex, you are saying that thanks to that Oak tree in your world, you managed to return here to Equestria, right?”

“Yes, I remembered that place where I fell asleep when I was sent here for the first time so I tried again and fortunately, I was right.” – Alex answered.

“Are you telling me you went to that tree many times until it finally worked?” Luna asked.

Alex didn’t want to answer that question, but if he lied Luna and Applejack would immediately find out: “Well, the day I chose to try to return was the last day of your meteor shower. I would have given up if it didn’t work, but for some unknown reason it did…”

“I see, lucky as always!” Luna said this while putting her hoof on Alex’s shoulder.

“Yes, well I think that tree or that park is somehow connected to Equestria. Am I right Princess?”

Meaning that either me or Dashguy can search for this mystical oak tree in Guatemala, and end up in Equestria!

Beats having to get shot or just whining until some kind of deity takes pity.

“Well my little human, I do believe in coincidences, but working for a second time, I’d be willing to believe that too. We will talk about that in the future, for now I think we can celebrate the return a hero!” – Luna answered.

“Really? What kind of hero? I didn’t know there was a hero here!”

“Silly Alex, we are talking about you!” – Princess Luna said.

“What? No! I’m no hero” – Alex replied looking very surprised.

But you certainly don’t mind the fame, appreciation and shit that comes with being one.

Princess Cadence said:

“Yes, you are Alex. You saved us from my bro…, from Blueblood and Chrysalis’ wrath, if that doesn’t make you a hero, I don’t know what else would!”

“I didn’t do it all by myself, in fact you and the rest made most of the work!” – Alex said. He was still refusing the idea of being called a hero.

“Darling please, you are doing it again. Don’t sell yourself short, you helped a lot. You even kil… you defeated Blueblood!” – Rarity said.

Don’t you love how Blueblood always seem to go before Chrysalis, even when’s she was the one who retrieved the dark magic amulets and had an army at her beck and call?

Alex remembered the one thing that made him afraid of being back in Equestria – “How could I forget about that?” – He said to himself. He turned to Princess Luna, Celestia and Cadence and got on his knees, his face on the floor.

“Alex? What are you doing?” – Princess Luna asked.

“I’m sorry. I know he was a tyrant but he was also a pony, your nephew as well as Cadence’s brother. I took a pony’s life; I will accept any punishment you want to give me. But please know that I’m truly sorry!” – Alex said. His heart was full of guiltiness. How was he able to forget what he did? He wasn’t able to forgive himself.

I'm sorry, but this whole thing is asininely retarded. Why is Alex apologizing for killing a tyrannical ruler? That'll be like if I begged for Churchill's forgiveness, after I personally shot Hitler.

But how else are we going to show he’s a super humble dude?

Now seriously, I’ve got two to say things here. Number one, FUCK YOU. You don’t get to play the “I took a life! I’m so sorry!” card when your entire character is modeled after a fucking assassin and you go everywhere armed with weapons made for killing.

Number two, his apology looks incredibly fake. Much like with his compliments, it’s not enough to say “Thanks, Applejack. This pie is delicious!”, he has to go with “Thank you, Applejack! This pie is the best one I have tasted in my whole life! You should be proud of your skills and anybody who says otherwise is, frankly, an idiot!” The whole thing is so overblow that it reminds me of those scheming, slimeball villains that cower and play the wounded gazelle when the heroes discover his shit.

This, a hundred times this! Why cosplay as an assassin when you hate killing peo-ponies?!

The Princesses looked at each other. Suddenly, a smile appeared on their snouts. Luna approached Alex, using her magic to lift him from the floor. She told him:

“Alex, you have nothing to be sorry about, he was indeed a living creature, but the pony you killed wasn’t our nephew, he was just a creature whose heart was filled with hatred and thirst for power.”

I’m pretty sure my heart would be filled with hate too if I had an aunt like you, who went around talking nothing but shit about me. That and the thirst for power to kick her ass.

Princess Cadence got near Alex as well - “Alex, even though it was a hard for me, my brother brought that upon himself. In fact, I’m kind of grateful because by ending his life, you released him from his greed. I’d like to believe he is in a better place now.”

What a lovely reasoning. “It’s okay, Goku. By killing Ten Shin Han, you saved him from a future life as a contract killer!” It works on so many levels.

“But still…” – Alex replied. His eyes were full of tears. Could he finally forgive himself?

“Alex, my little human, you did what was necessary. You saved us, please don’t let that incident cloud your judgment. We are not angry, just a little sad, but you are still a good friend of ours (everypony nodded) and I hope you will continue to help us protecting Equestria” – Princes Luna said.

And they suck his dick. Because why not?

“Just a little sad”. Not much, mind you. We don’t want to forget Blueblood was EVULZ.

“I would give my life if necessary!” – Alex’s voice was full of determination, his words made them tremble.

“Please, don’t say that! We don’t want you to go through that again! – Princess Cadence said – I think we’ve had enough of these sad memories. To be honest, I think it’s time for a… Pinkie Pie would you please…?”

Pinkie Pie used all of the air in her lungs:


The doors to the Throne Room opened a few minutes later, the kingdom cooks entered the hall. They brought the most delicious snacks one could ever think of. Music, food and happiness were all over the place, everypony inside the palace had a really great time. Alex answered all of the questions the princesses could think of. They all danced until exhaustion, at the end all of them agreed on one thing: It was the best party they ever had (in the last months at least).

I'm at a bit of a crossroads here; do I criticize Alex for lazily glossing over the party, or do I thank the stars that I missed out on reading about a boring party?

And while we’re at it, it’s me or all of the party descriptions sound exactly the freaking same?

Later that night, while everypony was sleeping, Alex woke up all of a sudden. He was feeling a little thirsty and had a pain in his back – “Wow! I forgot to remove my Metapendant after princess Luna asked me to show her some magic stuff I learned while I was practicing on earth. I haven’t got used to sleep in my pony form yet.” – He got of his bed and trotted towards the door – “Being a pony has some advantages, I can use magic and have a lot of strength and stamina, but I feel way better being a human. There is no way I can practice parkour while on my pony form.” – He said to himself.

I understand. I too, often find myself waking up in the middle of the night to loudly exposit about my life to nobody in particular.

Once he reached the door, he opened it up and found Fluttershy on the other side. She was just standing there, outside of his room; it seemed as if she wanted to knock on the door. She was frozen - “Is there anything you want to tell me?” – Alex asked her, while looking right into her eyes.

“I wanted to…” – Fluttershy said.

“Yes?” – Alex asked.

“Please, just forget it! Forget you saw me here!” – Fluttershy started to run away as fast as she could. Alex didn’t know what to do; he was so surprised to find her standing there.

“Wait!” - That was the only thing he could say before he started to run after her. He had many questions in his mind. He didn’t even stop to think for a reason to run behind her, all he wanted to do was to catch her up. She was fast, but Alex wasn’t any slow, he had trained very hard in his pony form. He hadn’t noticed they both were running through the royal gardens until he was close enough to grab her hoof.

“Fluttershy, STOP! What’s going on? Please tell me…” – Alex wanted to ask so many things.

Fluttershy didn’t say a word, she was covering her face with her mane, she was trying to let go of Alex’s hoof but her efforts weren’t enough. She calmed down after some seconds and then she looked at Alex, right into his eyes. It was obvious she had something to say, her cute face gave her away, he knew she wanted to hell him something since the moment he came back, but he also knew that for some reason he was trying to avoid her. Now, there they were, standing in front of each other, the moon was brighter than ever. It was the right time to settle things up.

*gasp!* this could be it...

The Guatemalan birds flew away?

Alex was the first one to talk.

“Fluttershy, there is something…” He was interrupted by her voice.

“Alex, what do you think about me?”

“What do you mean by that?” – Alex asked. He didn’t know how to answer that question.

“Well, you do know I like you, right?”

“Well, I do. I think you made it very clear that day.” – Alex said.

“Oh yes, I did. Sorry about that. Well, I like you but I need to know if you said you like me too. Is that…true?” – Fluttershy eyes were brighter than the moon, it was clear that every word was coming from her heart.

Alex stood there; he was so lost in her eyes. The answer to that question was more than obvious. However, he couldn’t stop thinking about having feelings for someone who wasn’t human.

“Fluttershy, I like you …a lot”

No shit!

“Rea …Really?” – Fluttershy seemed so happy after hearing this.

“I really like you Fluttershy, but…”

“What is it Alex?”

“There are some things that make me … I don’t know, back off …like …”

“It’s because I’m a pony right?” – Fluttershy stopped looking at his eyes.

“What? No! Maybe…” - Alex had a lot of things going on in his head when he said that.

“Yeah … I thought so. I know that when you see me or my friends, we remind you of the ponies in your home planet, don’t we?”- She asked this while looking to the ground.

“… Not exactly …” – Alex answered.

“Yes, we do! - Fluttershy started to cry - ponies in your world are mindless and dirty animals, right? Besides, I know you were raised to like human girls. I know you will never be able to love an animal, right? After all … It’s a taboo on earth, when you see me you see something you can’t love, maybe a good friend but not someone you could love … trust me, I thought the same thing, how in the world would I love a creature who wasn’t a pony? But in the end, my heart was the one who chose you. I didn’t care if you were a human, a pony or even a dragon! I fell in love with your heart! I fell in love with you even knowing it was a lost cause. How to love someone that will never feel anything for a… a … farm animal?!”

Ah, don't worry about the farm animal part. You'll fit in well in the Deep South.

I’m more bothered by the fact Fluttershy is talking shit about Earth horses. “Mindless, dirty animals”? I’m pretty sure there are a lot of people out there who would slap the shit out of you if you said that about their horses.

Alex couldn’t help it. He lifted her face until their eyes met again.

“Fluttershy, please stop! I can’t deny that some of the things you said are true, and I honestly has the same thoughts, but please believe me when I say that you and our friends are not just animals to me, I know you are not physically human, but you can feel, smile, love… you are not ugly or dirty, you are beautiful. It’s true that I am afraid of a lot of things, but please believe me they all go away whenever I see your face, your eyes, you drive me crazy. Fluttershy, please don’t say those words ever again.”

First Applejack’s mane and now Fluttershy. This guy has a knack for keeping the stuff that drives him crazy well hidden.

Fluttershy was shocked. Nopony had ever said that to her outside of her friends. Many ponies had always pushed her over or tried to take advantage of her but Alex was different, he really cared for her. She needed to say it tonight; she had to try…

“Alex, I know we both have issues with ourselves about … having relationship but I think, I believe we should try, Alex please give me a chance, please …would you be my very special somepony?”

Alex couldn’t believe what she just said. He knew what to answer if something like this ever happened, but hearing her made him forget everything he was supposed to say. He knew in his heart he wanted to try, he wanted to be that special somepony. Using all of his strength, he said:

"Get on with it!"

“Fluttershy, I am sorry, but no!”

“What? - Fluttershy was about to faint, she felt as if the world was falling on her shoulders.

“Let me finish. If you are going to be my girl. Please let me be the one to ask!” – Alex’s voice calmed her heart.

"I wanna push the button, Mommy! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!"

He continued - “Fluttershy, would you …would you be my …” - Fluttershy touched Alex’s face and said:

“C’mon … you can do it, please.”

“Fluttershy …would you be my very special somepony?”

“Yes!” Fluttershy said, her voice was full of excitement. They both hugged, as if they wanted to never let go of each other.

“So, what now?” – Alex asked.

“Well, maybe a little kiss would be fine. But only if you want to. Please forget it, I know I’m going too fast…” – Fluttershy was interrupted by the look in Alex’s eyes.

“I think a kiss would be awesome” – He said.

SQUEE! The love between Alex and Moe Horse has been confirmed! Oh, this is a joyous occasion!

Also, I just noticed that Alex's cutie mark is the Assassin's Creed logo.

With wings. Because, uh, he’s good at flying assassinations or something?

They slowly approached each other until their lips finally met; both of them always heard things about seeing sparklers when kissing their loved ones. They didn’t see anything like that; they felt it in their hearts. When they stopped kissing, they looked at each other and smiled then started their way back to the palace. It was sad to say goodnight, but they knew they would see each other in the morning. Alex went into his room, he was about to remove his metapendant to have a better sleep, but suddenly he stopped.

“Maybe getting more used to this body will come in handy.”

To avoid the furry accusations.

He jumped on his bed and got as comfortable as he could. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep not knowing that this was the first of many sleepless nights.

You didn’t think he was going to sleep after that without jerking off, did you?
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Post #10

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post Mar 15 2017, 03:59 AM
After a good night of sleep (in his pony form), Alex woke up with a smile on his face, it was a really nice feeling to have a marefriend, even though getting used to say this word would take it’s time.

I agree. These acid reflux are not going away anytime.

After removing his Metapendant, Alex took a shower and got dressed so he could join everypony else in the Dining Hall. Before leaving his room, he heard someone knocking on his door; he went to see who it was and found Fluttershy looking for him:

“Hello beautiful!” - Alex said, giving a little kiss on her lips. She looked happy but her face was a little blushed.

“Hello Alex, I wanted to know if you would like us to go to the Dining Hall together; if that is ok with you, of course.”

And their first date consists of walking to the Royal Dining Hall. Brilliant.

The author really knows how to keep the readers captivated.

“That would be great Shy! Just give me a second.”

Alex was about to put his Metapendant on, but he was stopped by Fluttershy. She asked him:

“What are you doing?”

“I’m just putting my Metapendant on. You know, to become a pony, your special somepony.” – Alex answered.

Fluttershy seemed a little upset after hearing this.

“Alex, you know I like you for who you are. I liked you even before you could turn into a pony. What I want to say is that you don’t need to be a pony all the time. Not that I mind, but please don’t think that I will feel ashamed of being watched next to the human I like, because you are my special somepony.”

So if he's not going to wear the pendant when he's around Moe Horse, then why bother with it at all?

Guess the damn thing is just the excuse to give Alex magic.

“Ok, thanks for that Fluttershy, I am sorry.” – Alex replied.

“No need to be sorry. Just remember, whether you are a pony or human. . . I couldn’t care less.”

“… Come here girl!” – Alex pulled Fluttershy inside his room and kissed her.

After sharing some kisses and hugs, Alex and Fluttershy started walking towards the Dining Hall. She extended one of her wing so he could grab it, it felt like they were holding hands. She looked really happy, it was impossible for her to hide it because of how blushed her face was.

This is so…dull. I’m not saying they should be going at it like rabbits, but right now, it feels incredibly generic.

Wouldn't that be painful for a pegasus to have their wing grabbed like that?

On another note, this image reminds me of that 'wing-boner', that I read in one of your mocks, Dashguy. I just can't remember which one though...

This one. Admittedly, the whole “wing-boner” garbage is something a lot of Bronies like to incorporate in their stories. Fucking nods to the fandom, I swear.

The doors to the Dining Hall opened. Everypony inside was waiting for Alex and Fluttershy to join them so they turned around to greet them but went silent after seeing them “holding hands”. Alex was able to notice the way Rarity’s eyes went fully open, if was just a brief moment because she flew straight to where they were standing.

“Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! Finally! Finally! Fluttershy! You found your special somepony! Well, it was pretty obvious it would be him but OH MY! Alex, you took longer than I expected, you need to make up your mind faster darling. When are you getting married?” – Rarity was asking a lot of questions, she seemed more excited than Alex and Fluttershy themselves.

Please try to understand; she needs her gossip material.

Everypony in the room was shocked after hearing the word wedding. Alex was surprised after watching how they reacted to Rarity’s questions.

“Rarity please, you are going too fast. We just started dating and want to know each other better!” – He said.

Know each other better?!

You've been hanging out with each other for a few months now. Don't you dare use this as an excuse to add in more pointless sappy shit!

“Yes of course darling. Sorry, it’s just that I’m so happy for you guys. Please take good care of her!” – Rarity said.

“Of course I will!”

Rarity was so happy after hearing Alex’s words.

Applejack got next to them and said:

“Ah must say, Ah am happy for you guys! To be honest, this is a relief for me; finally Big Mac and Granny Smith will stop teasing me about going out with Alex!”

“Thanks Applejack. – Alex replied - I’m really flattered, don’t get me wrong but all of you are really beautiful mares, I’m pretty sure someday all of you will find your very special somepony!”

How much are you willing to bet that Alejin will (a) Create five more self-inserts for the ponies to be shipped with. Or (b) Borrow some of the OC's from his 'favourite OC's' picture, that was featured in the previous story, and ship them with the ponies?

Reminds me of this author who writes crossovers between Equestria Girls and Yu-Gi-Oh!. His later stories have nearly all female characters getting paired up with OCs, some of them borrowed from his author friends.

Twilight got next to them and said:

“Congratulations Alex, she is a fine mare. Make sure you treat her right.”

“Trust me Twilight, I will.” – Alex replied.

Pinkie Pie was so happy to see them together; she was unable to hide her excitement and said:

“Wow! I’m so happy, now we are going to have a Congratulations for Finding your Very Special Somepony Party! CfFyVSSP for short! I’ll need some more stuff. I’ll be back in 10 minutes guys. Get ready!”

Fuck me, not another party...


Pinkie Pie disappeared within a confetti explosion.

The Princesses and Spike gave their blessing to the new couple. After exactly ten minutes, Pinkie Pie was back; she brought a lot of snacks and music so they could have a great time while eating their breakfast.

After they were done, they headed to the Throne Room. Once they were all inside, Princess Celestia was the first one to speak:

“My little ponies, dragon and human; as you already know Equestria will be hosting the next Coliseum Tournament here in Canterlot. I must say Princess Luna and I are really excited for this and we want to know if you want to help us organize it. We need to prepare everything in order to make this the most epic tournament ever. In fact, we know of someone who could make this tournament truly epic!”

Everypony (except Alex) was wondering who that someone could be.

Princess Celestia continued: “You see, almost every kind of creature has competed in this tournament, except for dragons, changelings and… humans.”

So you're gonna throw Queen Chrysallis into the tournament as well? Gotcha.

Your interesting and compelling ideas have no place here, champ.

Everypony was shocked after hearing this, the idea Princess Celestia had in mind was pretty obvious and some of them didn’t like it. Fluttershy didn’t like it.

“So, you want Alex to compete in the tournament?” - Twilight asked. She seemed to dislike the idea.

“Yes I do” – Princess Celestia answered.

“Even knowing he almost died the last time he was involved in a fight?” – Twilight asked this wanting to make a statement.

Except that, you know, those were fights to the death, with no rules. And he almost died due to his own incompetence, if I may add.

He shouldn't have brought the tomahawk...

“Yes, I can see my idea not being well received amongst some of you, but please don’t forget this tournament is not a threat to any creature’s life, Alex can decline my offer to enter if he wants to, but having Alex compete would bring a high amount of audience to this tournament and that would help Equestria’s economy a lot, for I’m sure many kind of creatures would like to have the opportunity to meet the one and only human in Equestria. Not to mention how great would it be to introduce you to the rest of the world.”

Nopony said a word; in their hearts they knew she was right. Equestria wasn’t a poor country in any way but having this tournament and making it a success would obviously raise funds to help Equestria grow even more. Alex competing seemed like a good idea and it would be awesome if he could make it to the finals.

Economy? What the fuck?! Why are we learning about the Equestrian economy all of a sudden?

Because everything Alex does, no matter how small, greatly improves the world around him. Killed a Manticore? It was a tyrant and he indirectly saved Ponyville. Made friends with Lyra? Fixed her reputation and ceased the bullying. Fought Celestia? Restored her faith in humanity. I’m honestly surprised they aren’t trying to use his shit as fertilizer.

Please don't give the author any more ideas.

Everypony wanted to hear what Alex was thinking.

Alex was silent. He was thinking about all of the possibilities entering this tournament could bring. He knew he could help Equestria and he seemed to like the idea of participating. He knew his life wouldn’t be in danger this time according to what the princess said. After making up his mind, he started to speak:

“I like the idea princess. I’d really love to help Equestria in any way I can. Please count me in!”

“Excellent!” - Luna said - “Thank you my friend, you really don’t know how much you are helping us. Thanks to you, no one will ever forget this tournament, we will make history!”

“Thanks Luna. To be honest, I would love not to be eliminated on the first rounds. That would be a real shame.” – Alex said.

"After all, my penis hasn't been sucked by a pony for four months now."

“Don’t worry about that Alex; there may be many skilled and incredible warriors but there are also a lot of amateurs. Judging your abilities, I would not be surprised if you and Spike get a good place.” – Princess Luna replied.

Amateurs? Are you kidding me? If this tournament is so important, to the point it encompasses every other kingdom in the world, there’s no way there will be “amateurs” there.

“What? Why did you mention Spike?” – Princess Twilight asked. She was a little surprised.

“Twilight, Spike had told us about his desire to compete.” – Princess Luna answered.

Twilight seemed not to like this idea at all. Spike knew it was his moment to speak. He gathered all of his strength and said:

“Please Twilight, let me do it. I promise everything will be alright.”

The Princesses knew Spike would be safe. Twilight had to agree after seeing how determined Spike was about participating in this tournament. However, she let everypony in the room know that she would personally stop the event if she felt Spike was in danger.

I can smell the eventual Spike vs Alex battle a mile away...

Princess Luna turned to Rainbow Dash and asked:

“I hear you want to participate in the tournament too, am I right Rainbow Dash?”

“Of course I will compete! It will be a good warm up for the next Equestrian games!” – Rainbow Dash replied, she was so excited about this tournament.

A fighting tournament will be a good warm-up for a competition consisting of flying through hoops. Right. Can’t tell if this is a lame attempt at boasting or just stupid.

Princess Luna was so happy after hearing her; she knew it was the right thing for all of them to show how good they were.

“Excellent! Don’t forget to be ready for the pre-event matches.”

Alex, Spike and Rainbow Dash nodded. Celestia and Luna explained to the mane 6 what their jobs would be. Once they were done, everypony left the room. Alex was the last one to leave, but was suddenly stopped by Luna’s magic.

“And where do you think you are going my human friend?”

"You owe me a night of BUTTSECKS!"

“Well, you said we’ll start preparing everything in two weeks so I’d like to return to Ponyville in the meantime.”

“I see. Please tell me Alex, how many ponies have seen you in your human form by now?” – Princess Luna asked.

“Well, someponies did during my Welcome Back Party, Mayor Mare and her assistant, the CMC, Zecora and Proud Hammer.” – Alex answered.

“Good! Then I believe no Canterlot citizens have seen your human form yet, right?” – She asked.

“I guess so…” – Alex replied.

“Ok, we will announce your return to Equestria today along with the news about Canterlot hosting the Coliseum Tournament. For this reason, we will need you to please stay a little longer.”

Because Alex hasn’t obviously got enough attention since he arrived here.

“Ok Luna, I knew coming here in my pony form was a good idea.” – Alex answered.

Princess Celestia was glad to know Alex was happy to cooperate with them. She called her Royal Guards and five of them appeared out of nowhere.

“Tell our Royal Carpenters to build the Conference Stage right away; the Princesses and I have some great new to say to our little ponies today.”

The Guards nodded and left the Throne Room along with Alex. He asked everypony to come to his room, once everypony was there; he gave the Princesses and Shining Armor, their respective cutie mark necklaces and a good amount of earthling sweets.

Nice to see that a royal couple gets a cheaper gift, than Alex's personal butt-buddy.

Then, he reached a box and brought it to Luna.

“Luna, since you have the spirit of a gamer and knowing how you enjoyed my Iphone I wanted to give you and your sister this…”

Alex opened the box for Luna and took out what was inside. It was a strange kind of device that looked similar to his phone.

“Alex, what is this?” – Luna asked.

“This is an Ipad. Think of it as a bigger version of the Iphone with the only difference that it can’t be used to communicate; I took the liberty to add lots of games and movies for you to enjoy, I hope you…”

Alex hadn’t finished when he was given a hug by Princess Luna.

“Thank you Alex! It means a lot to me, to be honest I was starting to get worried, even though we took good care of your Iphone, we knew it wasn’t going to last forever and I really don’t have the patience to wait around thirty or forty years for us to start crafting similar devices. Thank you again.”

“No problem Luna. After giving me that Metapendant, it was the least I could do!”

Alex showed Luna how it worked. Having some experience with the Iphone, it didn’t take long before she and Celestia could understand how it worked.

So, we don’t get to know what role Twilight and friends will fulfill during this very important tournament that will greatly help the economy of Equestria, but we have to have a scene with Luna playing with a fucking Ipad. The only thing more fucked up that the author’s grammar are his priorities.

Why does Alex look like a shady salesperson, who's selling a defective product to an unsuspecting customer?

Apple? Ha! Good luck repairing that shit once it inevitably breaks.

“Mr. Ipad, I think you and I will get along just fine…– Luna was so happy to play with this new gadget –

Celestia, looking how happy Luna was while playing said: Now my scientists will be able to study Alex’s Iphone. Oh dear! I am sorry Alex, maybe you would like to have your Iphone back!”

“Don’t worry Princess, you can keep it too!” – Alex answered.

“Thank you very much Alex, I will ask our scientists to take good care of it, I promise you it will not be damaged!” – Princess Celestia said.

“You don’t have to worry Celestia, I got another one when I went back to Earth, this one I gave you it’s all yours!”
Alex turned to Shining Armor and Cadence:

“Being honest, I didn’t expect you to know anything about human technology so I didn’t bring any gadgets for you. Please, I’d like you to have this…”

Alex gave them his new Iphone. They hesitated a little but Alex insisted by telling them it was a gift. Shining Armor took it and started to study it. He knew this device was ages ahead to anything equestrian scientists could possibly create. He felt as if he was holding a piece of the future.

“Well, thanks Alex. I really appreciate this gift!” – Shining Armor said.

“Don’t say anything, just enjoy it. Luna can teach you how to use it and how to charge it. You can play games like the ones she has in her device and listen to music. I saved plenty of it in this phone as well.” – Alex said.

Great...now we've got two more ponies playing Angry Birds.

It just ocurred to me, aren’t these Iphones shitty gifts? I mean, without Internet to access information and satellites to communicate over great distances, they’re a glorified radio/mini tv/handheld console. A gadget that will quickly lose its value once everybody gets one.

I doubt the author even uses his IPhone to call his family.

Alex gave them his headphones so they could listen to some music. After a few instructions, Cadence learned how to play music and started to enjoy it. It was obvious she liked the Iphone and loved the music she was listening to. After that, everypony started their way back to their rooms so they could have some rest before the conference.

Alex was a little nervous, since ponies in Canterlot didn’t know he was alive but he knew he had his friends help. Suddenly, someone knocked on his door, “Come in!” he said.

Princess Celestia entered his room and started to speak to him:

“Hello again my friend, I hope you are excited about us letting everypony know you are still alive”

“I am, and I am excited about the Coliseum Tournament too!”

“Glad to hear that!” – The princess replied.

A weird silence filled the room; Alex knew that wasn’t the only question he was going to answer. Princess Celestia continued:

“Alex, you do know where the portal to your world is right?”

“Yeah, I told you there is a park in my…” – He answered.

She said 'to YOUR world', you stupid bastard!

“Alex please, I’m asking you this as a friend. Don’t lie to me”

“…” – Alex didn’t want to answer that question.

“So…” – Princess Celestia insisted.

“…Well, The two times I got here I appeared in the same place inside the Everfree Forest.”

“I see… - The princess said - may I ask why you didn’t tell us this before?”

“To be honest, I was scared. That portal is my only way to get here, to get to this beautiful world, as I told you I don’t hate my world, but I love this one as if it was my own. Right now, I believe I’m the only human with such a gift and I believe you have the power to seal the portal if you know its exact location. You told me you trust humans more than you did before. But you are a princess who wants only the best for her country. You wouldn’t hesitate to close it if you find it necessary. Am I right?” – Alex seemed a little sad while telling this.

So you didn’t tell her because you were afraid she would close the door to your little playground?

Princess Celestia thought of the correct way to answer Alex’s question.

“Yes my human friend. To be honest, some months ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to send you back by force and close the portal to the human world, your human world. But now, I’m not sure, as I said I believe your kind is worth a change to be trusted. Alex, I believe you know the exact time when the portal will open and close again. I can’t believe how easy was for the rest to believe that you got here by mere coincidence.”

Alex, scratched his head, he knew he had lied to them in some way.

“Well, I didn’t think they would believe me at first but fortunately they did. You see princess, it’s not like the portal opens by itself; it opens because of you and Luna”

Alex noticed how confused the princess seemed after hearing his words so he explained the way their Meteor Shower somehow interacted with the portal, allowing him to travel to Equestria. He also explained that he was able to know when the portal would open again thanks to Luna’s’ schedule.

Wait, when'd he get this schedule?

something something Ipad something something Brave Birds

Princess Celestia realized there were still a lot of things she ignored.

“That is very interesting. So according to your theory, the portal needs a little magic push to open?” – She asked.

“Yes. That’s what I believe. Princess, could you please tell me what will happen with the portal now that you know this? Are you angry with me for hiding this information?”

“No Alex, I’m not mad at you. Believe it or not, I understand your feelings and somehow I agree with you, some information is better kept secret. I won’t force you to tell me where it is, I’ll be waiting for you to feel ready to tell me its location. I also want you to know now that I trust you more than ever, you could have told others and bring many humans with you to take Equestria but you didn’t. Once again you have proven to me that there are good humans not willing to take things by force.”

This argument kind of loses strenght when you realize there’s no way this cretin has enough money to convince a team of hardened mercenaries to drive through a tree in order to reach a world that only exists in a fucking cartoon.

B-but he won the lottery!"

Princess Celestia hugged Alex, to let him know she was happy to have him here. She continued:

“Alex, please be careful with this information, there are ponies and other creatures that would want to know about other worlds. About new opportunities to expand their territories and a world without magic would be an easy prey for them. I’m not saying this because I think your world is weak and can be easily conquered, after watching some of those movies you showed us, I truly believe your world would fight back, so I’m only saying this in order to avoid any damage to our worlds” – Her words made Alex feel his secret was safe with her.

Please don't go into this shit. I'm not ready for a Conversion Bureau story yet.

“Thanks Celestia, I’m truly sorry for keeping this secret from you. I will let you know the location to the portal when I’m ready.”

I think I get it now. Why doesn’t this guy want Twilight to share the books he brought her? Why did he bring fancy, but mostly useless shit like Ipads, candy and other cheap gifts? Why doesn’t he want to reveal the location of the portal?

It’s because he’s afraid of the ponies getting to know more about humanity and realizing he’s nothing special. That his Parkour and martial arts prowess is nothing compared to that of the true masters and professionals. That his selflessness pales in comparison to that of firefighters, rescuers and doctors on the other side of the world. That humanity has much more to offer than just cheap trinkets and candy you can buy on a fucking vending machine. In short, he’s afraid of the ponies finding out he’s just a pathetic, useless neckbeard and that there are thousands like him.

Celestia nodded and headed for the door. Before leaving the room, she turned to Alex and said:

“I just need to know one more thing, when Luna and I start the next meteor shower, what are you going to do? Will you go back to earth or will you stay here?”

“I don’t have an answer to that question yet… I’m sorry princess.”

“Please think about it, I know it’s your world but you have to admit Equestria is a very good place to live in, isn’t it?” – The princess asked with a smile.

“Yes it is. I’ll wait until the next meteor shower to answer that question.” – Alex answered.

Again with this shit. “Do I get back to the Earth, where I’ve got a bunch of nameless, cardboard cutouts as friends and lots of money, or do I stay in Equestria where I’m famous, everybody loves me and I can use magic? Questions, questions!”

“Fair enough! Ok, see you later my dear human. By the way, Luna and I were thinking about it and we came to this great idea on how to introduce you to the equestrians again.”

“Please tell me what it is!” – Alex was curious about this idea.

"You must submit to my carnal desires!"

On a similar note, where the hell did the Princess Molestia meme originate from?

If I remember correctly, I think it was one of those “Ask X” Tumblr accounts.

Celestia told Alex how they would handle the news about his return to Equestria, Alex listened carefully to all of her words. When she was finished, they both agreed it was an excellent idea. Princess Celestia left his room so he could have some rest before the conference.


After a few hours, it was time for everypony to gather in the conference room; Alex put his Metapendant on an immediately transformed into a pony. He and the rest got together and started their way towards Canterlot Hall. When they arrived, they saw every citizen on Canterlot in that place, the amount of ponies was immense. They were able to make their way to the stage.

He’s going to appear as a pony, then surprise everybody by turning into a human. In short, the same thing he’s been doing since he arrived in Equestria. Coming up with original ideas hurts Alejin’s tiny squirrel brain.

After a few moments, the trumpets announced Princess Celestia was coming to the stage, everypony in the place stood quiet so they could listen to her.


Everypony started to cheer after hearing the news. They were all happy to know that this prestigious tournament was taking place in their hometown.



Luna started to walk towards the stage. Among the audience, two creatures started talking to each other:

“Lyra, consider yourself lucky. We got back earlier and in time to hear those amazing news, I still can’t believe you dragged me in your quest to find more humans!”

“Hey! You said you wanted to come. Besides, consider this as the vacations we promised to take years ago!”

“…Whatever, I’m just happy we are returning to Ponyville. I mean it, no more quests in search of humans. It’s obvious that Mr. Alex’s case was just a coincidence.”

“Yes I know, I just hope someday another human will come here.”

Bombom felt sad for Lyra, she hugged her friend and said:

“I’m sorry Lyra. I know talking about Mr. Alex still makes you sad. I’m sorry…”

Fuck...that Lyra chick is back.


“It’s ok Bombom; he is in a better place now ok! Now let’s just hear what Princess Luna has to say, and then we can have some Lunch and go back to Ponyville!”

Princess Luna started to speak:


Everypony looked to each other; they seemed confused after hearing these words from the princess.

Princess Luna continued:


Everypony cheered and started chanting Spike’s name. It was true; no dragon had ever participated in this event before.

Gotta make the little shit feel special somehow.


The whole place went silent. Most of them knew what a human was, but the only human that had ever visited Equestria had died months ago. Were there more humans in Equestria? Everypony was so confused.


The shock on everypony’s face was evident, Fancy Pants’ monocle fell from his eye, PixelBerry was about to faint, Jet Set felt shivers all the way up to his nose. But the one who was surprised the most was Lyra, she didn’t believe it, she was shocked and angry, how could they say such a lie, there was no way in hell she would let them continue with this game, she jumped on the stage and screamed:


"Alright, we'll call him Pablo then."

Everypony was speechless. The princesses, the mane 6, none of them expected Lyra to be in the audience, otherwise, they would have given her this news before the conference. With a warm smile, Princess Luna and Celestia stopped the guards that were going to arrest her. Princess Luna said:

“My little pony, I swear there is no lie, Alex is alive. I have seen him with my own eyes”

“Really?!” – Lyra couldn’t believe it.

“Yes! - Twilight said - and guess what? He was asking for you!”

“Really?! But where is he? Please tell me, if that’s true, then I want to see him, I need to see him!”

Princess Luna continued giving her news:


The fuck? Why wouldn’t you present him to the audience?

Everypony started to leave. Princess Luna turned to the guards.

“Guards, please take Miss Lyra and Miss Bombom to the Palace and get them a room.”

“Yes your majesty!” The Royal Guards said. Lyra was confused, why the princesses would take her to the Palace after what she did. She lowered her head and followed the Royal Guards without asking any questions. Once they were in the palace, both Lyra and Bombom were summoned to the Throne Room. When they entered the room, they found the princesses, the elements, Spike and a Pony they had never seen before. The unknown pony walked towards Lyra, he stopped right in front of her and said:

“Hello Lyra and Bombom!”

“Hello?” – They answered.

Lyra didn’t want to speak to this pony; she had only one thing in her mind:

“Please move aside, I need to speak to Princess Luna.”

Alex knew the reason she was brought to the Palace and said:

“She doesn’t have anything to say to you because I know you are here to see me!”

“Why do you think I came to see you? I don’t even know you, just move aside!” – Lyra was desperate to hear more news about Alex.

“Are you sure you don’t want to see me? I heard you came to the Palace because of me…” – Alex said.

The look on Lyra’s eyes turned from anger to surprise. She started to carefully look at the strange pony. She noticed he was dressed but his clothes were odd; his eyes, they were somehow different to a pony’s eyes, his hair style it was so similar to her friend’s.


So it's like the other fic then?"

Lyra looks like she's been taking a whole lot of bath salts.

Not enough, if you ask me.

“A. . . A. . . Alexis?” – Lyra couldn’t believe her heart.

Alex removed his Metapendant and as the light faded, tears started to come out of Lyra’s eyes. She touched his face, his chest, his hands and then she hugged him. She wanted to make sure he was there; she wanted to make sure he was real.

“Volví, mi querida amiga!”

“I’m back, my dear friend!”

To the infinite sadness of every reader with a modicum of taste, yes. I wonder if he’s going to repeat this bullshit with Fancy Pants and that Pixel Berry chick too.

“Alexis, it is really you! You know how much I love to hear you speak your native language even though I can’t understand that much.”

So he could be saying his balls itched and you would still love it. You’re the very definition of an idiot fangirl, Lyra.

“We will need to retake your Spanish lessons!

Wouldn’t have been nice to see some of that? Guess the author couldn’t find the time between piggybacking the CMC and sperging about video games.

Now, I know you want to know how it is possible for me to be here again, and I bet you have lots of questions but first let me hug you one more time!” – Alex was so happy to see his friend.

She hugged him tight, Alex asked Bombom to hug him too, nothing could ruin that moment. The princesses asked them to come to the Dining Hall so they could eat something and celebrate their reunion, Alex asked Lyra to get on his back so he could carry her. Lyra couldn’t believe this was real. She was so happy to hear Alex’s heart beating when she put her face on his back.

“What an incredible way to end a failed human quest!” – She said.

With an extra large failure? Points for consistency, I guess.

I have no idea why this picture is blurrier than the other pictures.

Your computer gained sentience and is trying to protect your eyes.
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 25th March 2017 - 11:33 AM