Jet's Universe, A mysterious mystery that's mysteriously black. And Steven.
Jet's Universe, A mysterious mystery that's mysteriously black. And Steven.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Jan 28 2017, 03:46 PM
So, given that I was growing slightly overwhelmed by the overly sex-saturated Batman fanfic A Rose By Any Other Name, I have decided to interchangeably mock this fanfic on the side, in hopes that it will give me a breath of fresh air before I dive back into the aforementioned orgy pit.
This is Jet's Universe, a Steven Universe fanfic written by the author InsaneGuy2010. What specifically drew me to this one was the fact of its tame summary, entirely no reviews to give me an impression of it, and the apparent intent of pushing a self-insert-smelling OC through the canon from the very beginning of the show. While I do enjoy the show, Iím not above picking fun at it when possible, which may help me through the authorís intended plot line.
So, let's see if it will impact the canon, or if it is as many other stories where the existence of a self-insert author avatar is completely inconsequential. Hereís Chapter 1, Part 1.
This is a story that has been eating me up for some time now and I've decided to write about it.
I know, a hiatus will make us all do some crazy shit, man.
This story bear some similarities to the actual show but with slight changes. I do hope you enjoy it though. By the way, this story does contain an original character.
Really? By that title I would never have guessed, genius.
Beach City, a city like no other,
Ocean Town, Surf City, Sea City, Bay Burg, Aqua Town, how could any of them even dare to compare?
was just another town that the traveler Jet was stopping by. Jet was a mysterious being with light brown skin and jet black eyes. He stood at around 5 feet, 11 inches and he has an afro to boot. The fro was one of his many traits from his father that Jet was pride of.
While being mysterious, youíre sounding an awful lot like a stereotype already.
He was wearing a trench coat, black slacks and black tennis shoes. He was shirtless, so his abs was viewable to the naked eye. Jet was a seventeen year old high school drop out and traveling was one of his many passions.
So heís a talentless, fashion-blind vagrant. The mystery must be why I should even remotely care.
Jet was drawn to Beach City because of the many rumors he heard about mysterious beings popping all over the place. This was Jet speciality because Jet was a Gem hunter. The reason Jet is a Gem Hunter is because Jet, himself is a half Gem, half human.
And already Iím confused and questioning how much this author is warping this universe. Fine, letís roll with it. Iím assuming his mother was an imagined gem, Black Quartz, just to keep with the theme.
His mother was a gem and his father, human. Jet also has his mother's gem stone and she had escaped the Gem War before it had a chance to started. Thousands of years later, she meet Jet's father, Maxwell.
Escaped? Before it started? Iíd hate to rule a dichotomy, but thereís literally no reason sheíd be unaffiliated with Homeworld if not being a Crystal Gem.
Jet remember his father telling him that his mother was a figure of beauty with long jet black her and piercing red eyes. Jet also remembered his father telling him that his mother stood at 6 feet, 10 inches while he was 5 feet, 7 inches.
But by the drooling expression his dad had each time he mentioned that precise detail, Jet suspected a few indulgent inches had been added over the years.
His father told him that when he first approached his mother, she was afraid and quite hostile. Only after helping her get over her fearfulness (of Earth and where she was at the time) she begun to open up to Maxwell.
A towering gem afraid of humans and the Earth itself after millennia of being there? What, did Maxwell introduce himself as Murdercock the Black?
Jet always smiled upon her that story but now days he only let a small smirk form on his face.
Because earning those kewl points demands his face does nothing else.
He was currently making his way to a small building called the Big Donut and decided to make is way into the compound. As soon as he made his way inside, heard a kid cry out.
"Nooooooo!" the kid cried out. "This can't be happening! This has to be a dream!"
Iím afraid not, kid. The Marty Stu has been established and injected into the source material. Abandon all hope.
The kid was wearing a pink shirt with an orange star in the middle.
Itís a red shirt with a golden star, author, what whack saturation is your TV set to?
The kid was also wearing blue jeans and pink sandles to boot. He also is sporting curly hair. "Lars, please tell me I'm dreaming!" The kid went to hug a taller kid by the waist.
"Get off me, man! I'm stocking here!" Lars said, as he was carrying a box of donuts. Lars, the tall kid, is wearing a purple shirt with a donut in the center of it and a long sleeved, white sweater underneath it. He's also wearing dark blue pants and light blue shoes.
This grating and immediate attention to clothing detail is probably going to wear me thin. Itís like bad fanfic authors think that the only way to describe someone is by what they wear. How about noting Larsí ridiculous earlobe tunnels that several people on the show could put their hand through?
Jet raised an eyebrow at the situation that was happening and decide to ignore the whole ordeal. He made his way to the counter, were a short, but pretty girl was behind it.
"Hi, Welcome to the Big Donut! What can I get for you?" She greeted. Jet notice that she has blond hair and that she was wearing a shirt similiar to Lars'.
Both of these features had been completely obscured to him upon noticing how pretty she was despite being short.
"Do situations like this always happen?" Jet pointed at the kid, who was trying to get Lars attention. The girl chuckled a bit.
"Not often." She said, trying to ignore the situation herself. Jet was looking at the menu, trying to decided what he wanted.
Any chance you could order up a grammar lesson or two?
"Two glazed donuts... umm... sorry, I didn't catch your name." Jet said, as the girl went to fetch him his donuts.
"It's Sadie," She said as she placed a bag on the counter. " That'll be 2 dollars." Jet reached in the back of his pants and grabbed his wallet. He handed her a 5 dollar bill. She grabbed it and give him his change.
Riveting money-for-goods-and-services action that will have you at the edge of your seat. Just wait, youíll be blown away when he calculates her tip.
"Thank you, Ms. Sadie" Jet said, as he grabbed his bag. Jet saw that there where tables in the establishment so he decided that he would eat in for once. His eyes shifted on the kid, there was something odd about him that Jet couldn't figure out.
It was the way Stevenís body kept going off model and his height never quite seemed to stay the same.
Jet could sense that there was hidden potential inside the kid but he couldn't figure out what that was. Sadie and the kid started talking and Jet heard something about 'Cookie Cat' that caught his attention.
"Sorry, Steven. I guess they stop making them" Sadie said, showing a small frown on her face.
ĒThat was five years ago, actually. Turns out the preservatives were as rare as they were illegal.Ē
"Why in the world would they stop making cookie cats?" Steven asked. "There only the most delicous ice cream sandwiches ever made!" Jet faced palm when he heard that.
'This kid is making a fuss... over ice cream sandwiches?' Jet thought, as he watched Steven talked on and on about the awesomeness that was cookie cat.
Yeah, how dare he. Kids like him should express more concern about politics, taxes and illegal immigrants. Why wonít you just let a kid be a kid, author?
"Well," Lars started. " If you miss your wimpy ice cream so much... why don't you make some with your magic belly button?" Lars started to laugh at this. Jet was really paying attention to the conversation that was going on in front of him.
He could just not wait for the chubby little boy to show some skin.
"That's not how it works Lars!" Steven shouted, as he lifted up hs shirt to reveal a gem. Jet cautiously reached behind his back, ready to strike if this kid proved to be a threat. Jet's gem is located on his upper back, between his shoulder blades. Speaking of blades, Jet's gem weapon is a blade, a magical katana that he proudly yeilds. He can summon two of them if the situation calls for it but he only ever needs one.
So, author, youíre expositing yourself some imaginary, edgy and clichť weapon-porn, by letting your evidently lone and untrained Gem Hunter - who at most must have come across corrupt gems - be so mysteriously incapable of recognizing precisely the same half-gem, half-human hybrid as he himself is. And heís doing so even after noticing Steven has some hidden potential, of which no other before must have displayed. Contrivances or shitty writing aside, your OC is an idiot.
Steven let out a sigh and let he shirt fall back down. He started to walk over to where the cookie cat freezer was located and started to kiss the freezer.
The comedy isnít going to work if you leave out the actual dialogue, author. Youíre making Steven sound as if heís treating that thing like a body-pillow.
Jet (now with his guard lowered), Sadie, and Lars had their eyebrows raised at the gesture. Sadie was the first to speak.
"Um, Steven?" She started to ask. "Do you wanna take the freezer with you?" Steven nodded. Sadie help strap the freezer on to Steven's back and with it secured, Steven started to hum and make his way out of the shop.
Iíd hum too, if I had just used pity to score a storeís novelty freezer. Was that even legal?
"Doesn't take much to make him happy, huh?" Jet said, watching Steven make his way up a hill. Sadie smiled and notice that Jet was watching Steven the entire time.
Creepy or endearing, itís a single word away from either one, author.
"You're not from around here, are you?" Sadie asked. Jet stood up to throw his bag away. He had just finished his last donut. He started to make his way up to the counter, which made Sadie a little nervous.
The manís intimidating afro and reckless disregard for the Ďno shirt Ė no serviceí sign had already made her contemplate calling the cops.
"No, I'm not." He said, resting his back toward the counter. Sadie backed up a little. Jet noticed this and smiled a little. "Relax, Ms. Sadie. I'm not that kind of guy.
Indulge me, author, what sort of guy is your pretend-cool and edgy self-insert saying he isnít, while you are seemingly having him acting like one? Iím genuinely confused here.
I'm just a traveler, more of a loner really. My dad passed a way a few months ago and I guess I'm running to escape that reality. I'm following my mothers wishes as well..." Sadie started to get a little teary eyed as Jet was explaining his situation to her. Sad Stories always made her teary eyed.
Oh, fuck you, author. You couldnít get anyone to tear up that fast even if you stuffed their eyes with chopped onions. Harvest your pity points somewhere else, you life-story vomiting hack.
"Steven's a little special, isn't he? He reminds me of my younger self a liitle."
You just criticized him six ways to Sunday for all he did by virtue of being a young kid, you hypocrite.
Jet walked out the shop and outside Jet felt a familar presence. He turned the corner and Steven was there talking to a short woman with purple-like skin and plump lips. Jet noticed that she was wearing a purple tank top and black leggings. Her hair was also white and Jet knew that she was a gem, as her gem was shown a little on her chest. Jet decided to speak to them.
Oh, youíre not going to ready your weapon and consider Amethyst a threat, or does the author only fantasize about katanas once per chapter? And how the heck can her presence feel familiar and then not alarm you, oh mysterious Gem Hunter?
"Hey, um... Steven, was it?" Jet spoke, the two of them looking at him. "My name is Jet. I'm the guy who was in the donut shop earlier." Steven went to shake Jet's hand.
"Hi, Jet." Steven said. "This is Amethyst. We're the crystal gems. I'm sure you've heard of us."
ĒWeíre number one in private property damages.Ē
Jet raised an eyebrow at that statement. He eyed Amethyst who was busy munching on a donut.
"Crystal Gems, eh?" Jet said, eyes still on Amethyst. "Can't say I've heard of them. Are all of them as pretty as her?" He pointed at Amethyst.
Are you sure you donít want to ask if all of them are just as short as her, Jet?
She appearantly heard that and started to choke on her donut a little. She regained her composure rather quickly though. She was looking at Jet with a blush clearly intacted.
Bad grammar, canít spell, watches this show, focuses on beauty and flatter to earn affection at the first mention thereof. I wish I could say this guy is thirteen years old, but he attempted and failed to write his first lemon in 2010.
Jet smirked at that then let out a sigh. He decided to reveal that he was a gem as well. He might as well, he felt as though he could trust them.
"So, you guys are gems?" Jet stated, as he took off his trenchcoat. Amethyst started to blush a little more at the sight she was seeing.
The Hello Kitty tattoos on his now exposed shoulders were just that embarrassing.
Steven was staring in ancipation, wondering what was happening.
Usually he had to pay male strippers to get this far. Okay, Iím starting to get creeped out by how easy this author lets me inject jokes like these into his fanfic.
Jet turned around and he heard the both of the gasp. Jet's black gemstone started to glow.
I called it. Any blacker and I might not be able to hold back the racial jokes anymore.
"He's a gem, too!" Steven shouted wth excitement. Amethyst was shocked, she really didn't know how to respond at the moment. Jet turned around, grabbed his trench coat and put it back on.
"Let me tell you folks a little about myself," Jet started.
No need, really. I mean, why would the author bother telling us your backstory in the opening, if you were just going to let us sit through it yet again?
Steven and Amethyst looked at Jet with anticpation. Amethyst was a little on the hesitate side because she was thinking that he was a homeworld gem. "My mother fled homeworld before the Gem Wars started and she meet my father thousands of years later. In short, I'm half human, half gem."
Ixnay on the omeworldhay, buddy. Steven hasnít even been told that the monsters he fights are Gems, yet. Your incredibly lackluster exposition needs a spoiler label.
"Like me!" Steven shouted with excitement. "You're just like me!" Jet eyes widen in shock. He knew Steven was special but to be a half human, half gem, he was not expecting that. Amethyst was in shock after hearing Jet's explaination and she decided that she had to let the others know. She didn't think of Jet as a threat, she just figured that Garnet and Pearl would like to know that there's another half human, half gem other than Steven that's here.
Neat, maybe they can get some hints on how to treat Steven as the alien hybrid he is. Or is the author just going to make this coincidence an excuse for them to gush and fawn over his self-insert persona?
"So," Jet started, his attention shifting to Amethyst. "What kind of weapon do you have? Can you show me what you can do?" Amethyst smiled and pulled a whip from her gem, she then proceed to strike the dumpster in half with one clean swipe. Lars happened to walk by right after, a trash bag clearly in his hand.
"Ahh!" Lars shouted as he dropped the bag, "Again?"
Sorry, are Pearl and Garnet currently fighting off Centipeetle's spawn back at the beach house, or did Jet just black out for an hour inside the Big Donut before ending up in this out-of-context, canon rip-off shit?
Jet raised an eyebrow at Steven and Amethyst, as they were clearly walking away from the incident.
Later on that day, Jet decided to take a walk on the beach.
Wow, okay, oh man, this lack of logic hits like a sledgehammer each and every time. What is going on? This must be the possibly first chance Jet has to meet and converse with other not corrupted Gems, unless he hunts those too. He also met the one and only other half-gem in existence, whom he never expected to meet in his entire life, obviously. And what does this thoughtless, self-absorbed moron do? Bugger off somewhere to scratch his ass on standby until something new happens!!
He decided that since he didn't see anything strange (besides Steven and Amethyst) he was going to leave Beach City that evening.
You canít fool me, author. Jet has his ignorant head up his ass like this because you want him to not lose his Ďlonerí status while still ending up joining the Crystal Gems.
He continued walking until he heard the sound of rumbling.
'What in the world?' Jet thought as he was trying to locate the source of the rumbling. His attention turned to a temple that nestled on a hill.
You have to either be right below it or out to sea to see it, shithead. And you were going to just up and leave while having that thing in plain view, too? Does this author even watch the show?
He also noticed that Steven headed there earlier so that must've been Steven's place of residence.
Jet took off in the temple's direction. He was a little excited, as he might have the chance to get in on some action.
Youíre probably just some confused kid with a body-mod gemstone, a modern Don Quixote, who has been fighting off lawn mowers or industrial machinery while calling himself a Gem Hunter.
He was in mere meters when he seen a lady who appears to have an afro, wearing an assertment of red, black and pink colored gorments.
Evidently, the lack of spelling and grammar isnít just from mere typos any longer. Iím starting to see why your obvious self-insert is a high school dropout, author. I pity you that you actually think thatís a character trait you want to advertise through your personal fantasies.
She also appeared to be wearing sun glasses of some sort. He saw her jump on the roof and kicked a gaint, centipede-looking monster. Jet was really excited now.
And Iím really depressed at the realization that I might be picking at some loser kidís effort of escapism. Iíll halt the first part here for now. If it wasnít because the sheer incompetence contained herein is shared by so many other authors, and that my heart is black and cold at this point, Iíd might have left this fanfic alone. But no. It promises enough that Iíll stick with it. If anything, this kid wonít see a career in writing unless he gets some criticism.
Super High School Level Pimp
Joined: 13-October 14
Member No.: 1,378
Jan 28 2017, 04:44 PM
Wow...I can tell that this fic is going to blow, based on the author's username alone. I haven't had a warning sign like that, since SovietRussiaMan, for crying out loud.
The mock is coming along nicely; hopefully the fic won't be an exercise in torture.
List of mocks can be found here: Here
Jesus man what is up with you and all of those waifus! Are you secretly the "Ultimate Pimp"?
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Feb 5 2017, 06:33 PM
Wow...I can tell that this fic is going to blow, based on the author's username alone. I haven't had a warning sign like that, since SovietRussiaMan, for crying out loud.Thanks for the kind words, GorillaGamer. Whether this fanfic will come across as torturous is still not evident enough to tell for me, even as I now post this second half of the first chapter. That's not a good thing, though, as the potential is still very much there.
The mock is coming along nicely; hopefully the fic won't be an exercise in torture.
Anyway, last we left off, we and the cast of the show were being awkwardly introduced to the authorís self-insert OC, a "mysterious" dweeb whoís already blathering about some Gem War that may or may not be the canon one, depending on the authorís actual knowledge of the show. If we're lucky, he wonít even know Garnet is a fusion and start spoiling that for Steven, too. Hereís Chapter 1, Part 2.
He was running up the steps when he had a lady in a light blue shirt and a pink leotard stop him. She had a gem on top of her forehead. Jet jumped over her before she could ask any questions. He really wanted to fight this monster.
Iím going to treat this airhead of an author as if heís writing this fanfic without even having watched half of the first season, because already Iím getting disgusted. The gem monsters are being fought because itís a kindness to subdue them and keep them from hurting others. Jetís just a bloodthirsty glory-hound, out to wax his fucked up perception of what it means to be a badass. Iíd not be surprised if he shatters his targets too, because where the fuck would this asshole keep the bubbles? Even Son Goku, the fictional poster child for the enjoyment of physical combat, derives such joy from the exhilaration of facing a worthy opponent, not this unintentional depiction of gem poaching.
Before he could jump on the roof where that action was, he was once again stopped, this time by Amethyst.
"Jet?" She said, with a look of concern. "What are you doing here? I haven't introduce you to the others yet..."
Pearl will never stand for such misconduct before combat. At the very least have the decency to put on a name tag.
That's when the lady with the light blue shirt came over.
"Amethyst," She started. "You know this person? He's a human, he shouldn't be here right now. He could get hurt." Jet smirked at this and before he had a chance to repond, he suddenly seen the monster flying halfway across the beach. Jet huffed in annoyance and jumped down the stairs, he wasn't gonna miss out on this.
His smirking ego isnít going to stroke itself. He needs to show up the Gems in their own element first, of course.
"Yeah," Amethyst said, looking at Jet make his way towards the monster. "He's a gem. He's more like Steven actually. He's half gem, half human as well. I haven't gotten the whole story from him but he doesn't seem like a bad guy. Speaking of Steven, where is the little guy?" Pearl had a look of shock on her face. She never thought she'd meet another being like Steven.
The horror, of knowing yet another gorgeous hunk of rock had been sacrificed upon the furbished alter of human lust, would have her mourning for months.
"He's safe inside the temple where he should be." The lady in the blue said, getting over her shock. Amethyst took a look inside the temple but she didn't see Steven at all.
"Umm, Pearl?" She Started. "Steven's not in the temple."
Well, of course not, he doesnít know how to open his door yet. Aside from that dumb note on the authorís equating colloquialism of Stevenís home, Steven isnít even indicated to be anywhere else. These fretting paragraphs are entirely pointless.
"What?!" Pearl shouted, moving passed Amethyst to see for herself.
What about dealing with the monster? Or is it just that stunned by being attacked by two afros?
Just as Amethyst stated Steven was not there. Pearl went back outside and signal for Amethyst to come with her. Once outside, Pearl decided that she would look for Steven later as she and Amethyst decided to help the lady with the colorful gorments out.
Yeah, save Garnet from the gorments. Sound like culinary gorgons.
Jet just made it as the monster was growling at the lady with the afro. She glanced at him, wondering who he was and what he was doing here. Pearl and Amethyst just made it as well.
Another mystery, or Jet is slow as molasses.
"Pearl, Amethyst," The lady spoke, staring at the monster. "Who is this human? He's not suppose to be here!" Before either of them could utter a word, the monster shot a load of acid at them. All four of them jumped out of the way, just in time. Jet was smiling, this monster might actually provide some fun for him.
The last one he came across beat him at Kitchen Calamity, and heís been dying for a do-over.
The four of them hid behind a gaint stone hand. Jet thought he might as well introduce himself to the two ladies he never met. He decided to let them catch their breathe before he decide to speak.
"My name is Jet," He spoke. "I'm a gem hunter. I'm also like Steven, half human, half gem." The look that the ladies (excluding Amethyst cause she already knows)
And because Pearl has already forgotten, apparently.
were giving him told him that they weren't buying it. He huffed in annoyance and took of his trenchcoat. He turned around, revealing his gem to them.
Oh, sure, act like your extreme Marty Stu claim isnít some big deal that can be just accepted at face value, you special prick. You canít have your cake and eat it too.
He heard them gasp, this was the second time today he heard someone gasp at something related to him.
Yes. It is.
"Garnet," Pearl said, looking at the lady with the afro. "What do you think?"
"It doesn't matter right now," Garnet said, her back pinned against the stone hand. "The monster is about to attack again." As soon, as she said that, the monster shot another stream of acid at them. Luckily, the stone hand was providing them with a temperary sheild.
The internet has had free spellchecking services that could fix this horrid mess, since before the year 2000. Not only is this author horrible, heís lazy, too.
"We could really use Steven's sheild right about now!" Amethyst shouted, as the monster continued to spray the stone hand with acid.
"Steven has a sheild?" Jet asked. He didn't bother to put his trenchcoat back on. He figured it'll be a waste since he'll be drawing his sword from his back pretty soon.
Why would you even wear that when it hinders you drawing your weapon, you edgy asshole? Actually, how the hell can you even draw an entire sword perpendicularly from the middle of your back? My joints are pretty flexible, but even I can only line up the length of a bread knife and it feels awkward as all hell.
"Hey!" A familiar voice said. Jet and the others seen that Steven was running towards them with a rock in his hand. "Leave them alone!" Steven throw the rock at the monster, stunning it for a brief second. This also stopped the flow of acid that the monster was spewing at them.
Thereís probably some metaphor that can be drawn about a monster being literally unable to see reason for all the hate itís spewing, but I already feel people are reading far too much into this show as it is.
"Steven! No!" The ladies shouted, showing concern for Steven. Jet kept his eyes on the monster.
Jet has no concern for Steven, duly noted.
Steven lifted up his shirt, trying to summon his sheild as he did earlier but to no avail. The monster was inching its way close to Steven.
'What's he doing?' Jet thought, as the monster louged at Steven.
Good question, since heís neither bringing his Cookie Cat freezer nor eating ice cream while thinking it the source of his powers. Either the author is really skimping on details, or Iím starting to sense a pattern.
'Whelp, no time to wonder!' Jet jumped in the air towards the monster, summoning his weapon in midair. Jet managed to block the monster's pincers from locking unto Steven. Garnet, Amethyst, and Pearl looked on in amazement. They had never seen someone move that fast.
Of course heís fast. His name is Jet. The author is fast, too. I mean, the title spells it out enough, stating this is his self-insertís universe, and not a full name. How else would you establish a Marty Stu in zero seconds?
"You Ok, Steven?" Jet asked, as the monster was trying to get to Steven. Steven nodded and with that, Jet's attention shifted back to the monster. Jet pushed the monster back with his sword and before the monster could attack, Jet summoned electricity from his hand and shot it towards the monster.
This motherfucker canít even provide an single ounce of originality. This monster was identically stunned by Steven lobbing a short-circuiting appliance at it. Jetís only worth so far to the changed canon, has been to replace a broken freezer. Way to go, author.
The electricity hit the monster, causing it to howl in pain. Jet seen the rest of the stone pillar explode as the ladies looked like they were prepare to finish the monster off.
"Ladies," Garnet said,
Look, I know that Estelles deliveries as Garnet may have been a bit flat, author, but she has never actually spoken the word Ďladiesí. This injected word had better not been foreshadowing some intent of yours with these genderless characters.
looking ahead at the screaming monster in front of her. "Let's do it!" Pearl and Amethyst nodded their head in agreement. They drew their weapons and charged at the monster. With the monster still in pain from the electicity, it couldn't react fast enough as the ladies struck it with their weapons.
And thus, the author has provided even less of a battle than the show provided. The show has an infuriating limit of cramming the events of an episode into eleven minutes, author, whatís your excuse?
Jet seen the monster explode right in front of his eyes. He also seen a gem fall right to the ground where the monster used to be.
And I have seen first graders with better grammar.
Garnet walked right up to the gem and concealed it in a bubble. As soon as she did that, the bubble teleported away.
"Awesome," Jet said, as the ladies approached him. Garnet extented her hand out to Jet. Jet put he sword back into his gem and reached out to shake Garnet's hand. Her grip was very firm and Jet felt like she was going to break his hand.
Maybe itís because youíre being frisky and fondling one of her gems in the process.
"Thank you for saving Steven." She said, placing her hands on her hips.
"Yeah, that was awesome!" Amerthyst said. Jet blushed a little at that. He wasn't used to getting compliments from anyone else other than his father, but parents are suppose to be supportive like that.
Youíre both selling him short and taking him for granted in that single statement. You also imply you expected nothing if he wasnít your father. Youíve got issues. Bad day, author?
Jet turned around to see that Steven was sitting in the sand, he looked disappointed. Jet decided to cheer up the kid. He understood why Steven was disappointed, his powers didn't work when he needed them the most. Jet had been through that ordeal before.
"Steven," Jet started, sitting down next to him. "Don't worry about what happened today. I noticed that you tried to activate your powers but it didn't work how you wanted to. I've been through that. It'll come in due time. Someday, you figure out how to activate your gem." Steven let out a smile upon hearing that.
Wonderful, now youíre just repeating the exposition in order to steal the family bonding at the end of the canon episode, too. Look, are you here to fuck the Gems or fuck them over? Because at this point it could go either way.
"Thanks, Jet." Steven said. "I needed to hear that." Jet smiled and started to get up. He jumped to fetch his trench coat (which was affected a little by the acid) and put in on. He figured that this city didn't need him, it already had protectors and awesome ones at that.
This complete disinterest in your own origins and other half of your heritage astounds me. Itís like the author is just repeating a scenario out of some other story on top of this one, ignoring cohesive logic and instead scraping along with every tired trope it has.
He started to walk towards the pier without saying goodbye, it was too painfully saying that word.
Fuck you, you just met them and know literally next to nothing about them. All your dialogue with them has been you expositing about yourself or reiterating what someone else had already said!
He kept walking until he felt himself bumping into something soft yet firm. He looked to see that it was Garnet. He raised an eyebrow then looked behind him. The others were running to catch up. He didn't understand what was going on.
"What's the meaning of this?" Jet asked, as the others were behind him now. "What's going on?" Garnet was the first to speak.
"We should be asking you that."
ĒYou know the author canít write anything original with this poor an establishment chapter. Heís using us to counter your shitty character traits and nonsensical motivations.Ē
She stated, placing her hands on her hips once more. Pearl cleared her throat.
"I agree with Garnet," Pearl said, as Jet turned around to look at her. "You would be a great addition to the team... to the crystal gems."
What, he shows up and you all just call dibs out of the blue, not even pondering it a single minute? Oh, forgive me, I forgot how mysterious he was, I mean, thatís like a sales pitch in and of itself.
Jet looked at her in amazement then closed his eyes. Jet didn't work that well in teams, well more like he never been on a team. He liked being alone, he was a loner.
Wait. The katana. The afro. The desire to work alone. Are you just Lonely Blade in black face?
"I don't know," Jet said, eyes still close. "I don't really like being a part of a team. I'm a loner, always have been..."
Wait. The katana. The afro. The repeated exposition through dialogue. Are you just the authorís wannabe edgy self-insert?
He felt a pair of soft hands grab his. He opened one eye to see who hands were grabbing his. It was Amethyst's.
"Aw, come on!" She started, looking at him. "Don't be like that. It'll be fun being around us. Trust me."
Doesnít this show have about a one to three ratio on tearful scenes per episode?
Jet opened his eyes, staring at her.
'Wow. They really want me to stay. But there are other cities that's probably going through the same ordeal...
Yes, of course. Thatís why you could have gone to those instead of this Ďtown like no otherí after specifically hearing how mysterious things were happening here. Oh, and theyíve just about declared that they are inviting you to stay only so they can use you. Your personality is literally not a part of their equation.
hmmm... I guess I can hang around for a little while' Jet thought, subconsciously squeezing Amethyst's hands a little. She looked at their hands and blushed a little.
Iíd feel embarrassed, too, if I was holding a hand Garnet had reduced to a floppy bag of gummy worms.
"Ok," Jet said, letting go of Amethyst's hands. "I'll stay. I can even train Steven on how to unleash his gem's powers. Sounds cool, Steven?"
"Yeah!" Steven said, jumping around. "This is gonna be great!" Jet smirked at this. He started to see Steven as the little brother he never had.
Not even Steven bonds this fast with people, author, tone it the fuck down already.
There was a wondering question that was swirling around it Jet's head that he had to ask.
"So," He started, catching everyone's attention. "Where am I going to stay? I don't have enough money for a hotel... so..."
Pray tell, oh mysterious one, how has your day-to-day self-reliance and accommodations changed from your lonesome wandering? If youíve provided shelter, food and water for yourself this far, whatís the problem?
"So... you can stay at the temple with us!" Amethyst said, placing a hand at her hip. "Right, Garnet?" Garnet nodded her head. She didn't see anything wrong with that.
"Right," Pearl started. "I'm sure we'll find some sort of sleeping arrangement for you, since your half human and probably need sleep." Jet sweatdropped at this.
Could you stop being a weeb for two seconds and acknowledge the fact that none of what Pearl said was untrue or unwarranted?
"Um, thanks." He said, as he look at the temple. "Well, it's gettting late and I'm ready to get some sleep. I like to get up early in the morning to start training." With that said, he started to walk towards the temple. The others followed and started to walk beside him.
And heís already acting like he owns the place and setting the pace for his hosts. How obnoxiously self-centered will the rest of this bland retelling of the canon story depict him, I wonder?
"You train in the early hours too?" Pearl said, who was on the left said of him.
"Well, yeah!" Jet said with excitement in his voice. "I've been training since I was little. I actually like training, keeps me in shape. I would love to spar with all of you, just to see what you've got."
Youíre going to stab Pearl through the chest, arenít you? I can just tell youíd do that plot point, in order to worm your way into this world, pretending that you are a part of it, you parasite.
"Consider your challenge accepted." Garnet said, smiling at him. She was on Pearl's left hand side. Amethyst tapped on Jet's shoulder, getting his attention. She was on his right hand side.
Steven had disappeared again, going off to wherever he was before when he wasnít in the temple.
"Don't mention sparring to Garnet," she whispered. "Garnet can get a little serious when she spars." Jet laughed at this, surprising Amethyst.
"So can I." Jet stated, still laughing a little. He had a feeling that he was going to enjoy his time in Beach City but little did he know that his life was going to change forever.
Well then, you canít imagine how happy I am for you to not even have bothered letting me learn about his life before now, author. Min-maxed your way out of that one, I guess.
And that the end of the chapter. Wow, this has been in my head forever. I decided to bring and orignal character into the mix because I thought it would make Steven Universe a little more interesting.
Because a kids cartoon show involving elements of sci-fi fantasy, combat, hard-light projection beings, magical powers, hybrids, wars, space travel, time travel, fusions, dreamscapes, possessions, alien invasions, rebellions, monsters, dancing, singing, crying, mutants, lasers, pocket dimension lions, watermelons, warp pads, clusters, robots, kindergartens, drama, romance, fake conspiracies, shapeshifting, more than enough metaphors on consent and love than you can wave a stick at, and a fucking underused cloud holodeck Ė what all that really needed was some loser with a sword and an afro to top things off!!
As you may have notice, some of the dialouge was talking from the show, that was intended. I want the chapters to evolve around the show's episodes., but not all of them though.
By this and looking at the future titles, the author likely means heís not going to include all the showís episodes, instead of implying originality.
And with that, see ya!
Look, so far this has been a harmless fanfic. Iíd really hate to see it turn more obnoxious than what I can already tell itís able to become. Swooping in on a cloud of smirks and a trench coat, got the gems praising him and blushing within an instant, and half-assed stealing of vital dialogue or altering important sequences of events like they were arbitrary footnotes Ė this self-insert really bugs me.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Feb 14 2017, 08:21 AM
Self-insert stories are of an interesting concept, when you think about it. Handled well enough, for either comedy or seriousness, tropes can be deconstructed, possible insight for implied circumstances can be addressed, and one can envision in other ways how a course of events can unfold should they transpire with other characters. Guess why I am still mocking this shit, instead of reading something that worthwhile. Here's Chapter 2, Laser Light Canon, Part 1.
Well, Here's the next exiting chapter to Jet's Universe. I hope that you are enjoying the story thus far. I know some of the dialogue was taking from the show, that was inteneted.
If people would be objecting to that, it wouldnít be because they thought it was accidental, buddy.
The characters (except Jet) are own by Rebbeca Sugar.
Okay, by this point, Iím probably going to limit myself on the misspelling focus, because Iím just about ready to write you off as dyslexic, author. You canít even write names correctly, man.
It was before sunrise and the residents of Beach City was still sleeping, except for one person. That person was on the beach, training to hone his skills even futher. Jet was currently sparring against a dopplerganger of himself. Pearl had taught him this trick, which took him a while to completely master.
Sure, why not. Why donít you just top it off and steal Amethystís dash attack, too, since you already swiped Garnetís trump card that is her electrical powers?
Jet had been staying with the gems for about 2 weeks before he decided that he need his own space. The crystal gems had help him build a small but suitable home near the temple. The inside of the home was simple, it included a living room decorated with small pieces of furniture, a small kitchen, a normal size bathroom equipped with a very large bathtub and a very large bedroom with a queen side bed.
Yeah, a small, suitable and simple home that by this very description makes it bigger than Stevens!
Jet, of course, thanked the crystals gems for everything they had done for him. They treated him like family and that meant a lot to him. Jet had his trench coat off for this sparring session, he didn't want it to get ruined. The trench coat meant a lot to him, it was the last gift he recieved from his father.
You know, Iím happy we arenít going some other fanfic route, such as gun porn or the waxing of a plethora of unexplained demon super powers right now, but do I really have to suffer the additional focus on the deepest lore of your wardrobe?
The dopplerganger lunged at Jet, snapping him out of his current thoughts. He dodged before the dopplerganger could hit him. Jet smiled and countered with a blast of electricity, the dopplerganger jumped in the air to avoid the blast. That was a mistake on the dopplerganger part because when it comes to the air, Jet is a master of it.
He can suck and blow at the same time.
Using his speed, Jet was in the air as soon as the dopplerganger jumped. He was behind the dopplerganger and before the dopplerganger could react, Jet swiped it with his blade.
So, you can hit a jumping target after you eliminated any other options for it dodging after your first attack. How is this training? Iíve seen more challenge and proof of skill in a game of Duck Hunt.
"Defeated!" The dopplerganger said before disappearing. Jet could never get use to the robotic tone that the dopplerganger used. He had to admit that it did put up one heck of a fight for him but he had to wonder why it didn't counter his mid air assualt.
So not only are you shitty at programming your AI holograms, youíre also cheesing your training by specifically pushing them to where their code canít respond.
It technically was him so he figured the dopplerganger had to know. He shook the thought from his head and sat down in the sand.
'It moments like this that makes life worth living' He thought, as the sun started to raise.
Iíd say that too, if I bamboozled myself to having three aliens provide for me and make me a house on the beach.
He wished he brought a towel with him, he was sweating pretty badly. He started to get up when he seen Garnet started to walk towards him. He started to greet her when he noticed that Garnet summoned her gauntlets. She wanted to spar with him since he challenged the crystal gems to due so. His stamina was pretty low at the moment and he really didn't know if he the energy to give her a challenge.
Maybe Garnet is just following your example of rigging the training match.
"So," Garnet said, smiling a little at him. "Is today the day we're gonna spar?" Jet shot her a weak smile. He started to stretch and he summoned his katana. She did make an effort to challenge him and he didn't want to disappoint her.
"Before we start," Jet said, taking his stance. "I am tired from my training eariler so I may not give you the challenge you want. If you win, it's cause I am not at 100%."
Fuck off. Rarely have I seen a more blatant display of two-faced wish-fulfilment while likely attempting to not appear as a Marty Stu. Weíre literally getting the declaration of the predicted defeat and turnout as being null and void instead of evidence as to this guyís actual worth. This author canít even buckle a bit and imagine his self-insert perhaps could need an story-arc, from where he could improve from a less-than-superior position to the Gems. The incoming fight scene has been rendered pointless.
"You have a lot of confidence," Garnet said, cracking her neck. "This is gonna be fun." Jet smirked and waited for Garnet to make the first move. Garnet took no time in making the first move as she charged at him with blinding speed. Jet barely had time to block her incoming punch that she threw at him. He slide on the ground from her impact. He saw her smiling at him and it made him feel a little uncomfortable.
And here I thought it would have been Amethystís whips that gave the first dominatrix vibes in this story.
Jet jumped back a little and started to gather electicity to his hand. Garnet charged a him once more, making Jet disperse the electricity from his hand and put his sword into the sand. Garnet was about to strike him until Jet caught her fists. She struggled to free from his grip but he had her in a pretty firm.
Okay, author, now Iím just questioning whether your word processor simply took it upon itself to erase the missing words of this fanfic because they were being recognized as junk data.
It was a stalemate as neither of them could move. Garnet smirked and headbutted Jet, sending him flying halfway across the beach.
This afro-on-afro violence has got to stop.
'Dammit!' Jet thought, as he felt hs consciousness slipping from him. He hasn't felt pain like this in quite a while and he chances of winning the sparring match was fading away as well. Jet hit the ground hard and coughed up a little bit of blood.
First of all, when a person who can see the potential future initiates a fight with you, youíve already lost. Second of all, your internal organs must bruise like a peach if this is the end result of a head-butt.
He strugged to get on his feet as he saw Garnet make her way towards him. He saw his sword glowing in the distance and figured he'd make a run for it. He hated the idea of running from an opponent but he needed his weapon. He didn't have the strength to summon his other kitana and he didn't have any other options left.
You could suck it up, act like a reasonable person, stop harvesting pity points by milking the injuries like there was an actual point or tension to be established, and declare defeat. That is what signifies a sensible person capable of assessing their own limits; knowing when to quit.
Garnet saw him break out into a run and wonder what he was up to. He could've just called it quits and she would've respected him for it. Jet made a risky move and manage to jump over Garnet. She didn't attack him, she was more curious on what he was going to do.
Idiocy like this has to be seen to believed, I do agree, Garnet.
Jet was mere feet from his sword and was relieved when he grabbed it. He closed his eyes and when he opened them, they glowed red.
Oh no, say it isnít so, I just canít believe it, how could I possibly have doubted the Łber-power-ascension mode capabilities of the self-insert protagonist, which can totally empower him beyond his fatigue and previous inability of power-output, etc. etc.
Garnet noticed this and stopped advancing towards Jet, she sensed something was wrong. Without any warning, Jet unleashed a gaint wave of purple energy towards Garnet from the tip of his sword. Garnet gasped and moved out of the way. That did it for Jet, as his consciousness finally faded from him and he hit the ground...hard.
His lungs collapsed and both his legs broke from the fall. Why do we even bother with concrete if plain old beach sand has this effect?
His weapon also disappearing in the process.
Garnet looked at the damage that Jet's attack did. Jet's attack manage to split some of the beach (and whenever the attack went) apart. Garnet looked at Jet and smiled. The young man did not know how powerful he was.
And neither do I! For all I know he accidentally knocked over one of five pristine sand castles and haphazardly dug out a tiny west-ward facing trench thatís currently being rapidly refilled by the gentle force of the incoming tide against the rough and sandy grains. Do you know what a scene description is now, author?!
He'd manage to hold off Garnet even though he wasn't at 100%.
Hold off? Yeah, sure, letís call it that, even if urinating in her direction would have had the same effect.
Garnet picked up the unconscious Jet, grabbed Jet's trench coat, and headed towards the temple with him (since she didn't want to enter his house without his permission).
Now thereís something even more unbelievable; the Gems having learnt the meaning of privacy.
Jet woke up with a massive headache, he felt as if he has been hit by a train. He looked around his surroundings and noticed that he was in the temple. He also noticed that he was on the couch and that someone was thoughtful enough to give him a blanket while he was unconscious.
Because if there is one thing I know will cure internal bleeding, itís blankets.
Jet got up and stretch his limbs, he was extremely sore. He started to walk to the front door when he heard Amethyst and Steven talking behind him.
"Hey, look who's up!" Amethyst said, walking up to Jet with Steven following. "So, I heard you and Garnet had a crazy sparring session, huh?" Jet scoffed when she finished. Crazy wasn't the word, he was technically at a handicap.
Iíll just ignore the easiest joke about my primary assessment of your mental faculties, and instead address your weird and failing boost of your power fantasy. I donít get you, author. You skewed the balance of the fight, called out the very same fact, made an effort to ensure the outcome didnít count, and you still have your self-insert be a sore loser about a fight he could have turned down for valid reasons. No one is impressed and I can only imagine you even disappointed yourself.
"Anyway," Steven said, changing the subject after noticing Jet's reaction. "We're going to get some bits, wanna come?" Jet nodded his head as a response. Jet grabbed his trench coat and headed out the door with the duo.
'What are bits?' He thought as they started to head down the steps of the temple.
A rather bland food order gag left forgotten from its three or four references in Season 1, by having only had two callbacks for almost three entire seasons after that. Guys, I think I just realized I know more about this show than I should willingly admit to.
Getting to the pier didn't take that long to get to. That was because Amethyst and Steven nearly ran the whole way there. Jet took one leap to catch up to them. If he wasn't so sore, he would've ran with them.
Excuse me, but isnít that the same as taking flight because you canít manage to float?
As Steven and Amethyst continue to run they stopped when they reached a shop named "Beach Citywalk Fries". Steven and Amethyst ran up to the counter as a man, wearing an apron and hair shaped like french fries, switch the sign from open to close. Jet looked at the sky, it did seem to be getting late.
'Man' Jet said, as he was walking to get behind Steven and Amethyst, 'Don't tell me I was out the whole day? That sucks!'
And the fact, that the Crystal Gems left you unconscious from combat for the entire day instead of giving you medical treatment, really showed how much they treat you like family, I might add.
Steven slammed his hands on the counter.
"Hey Fryman," Steven said. "Gimme the bits!"
"Steven, we're closed!" Fryman said, looking at Steven, Amethyst and Jet.
"Aw, what!" Steven said, looking mildly disappointed. Amethyst then slammed her fist on the counter. Jet looked at her in suprise.
Oh, come on, Jet. Youíre a self-insert Marty Stu, you of all people should know that being rude usually gets you what you want.
"Give him the bits!" Sbe said, slamming her fists on the counter once more. "The bits, The bits, the bits..." She started to chant over and over. Soon after, Steven joined in on her chanting. Jet's headache started to get worst because of their constant chanting.
"Ok, ok!" Fryman said, apparently tired of their chanting as well. "Take it easy on the counter, will ya?" Fryman went to prepare the order of bits and Steven and Amethyst gave each other high fives. Jet shook his head at the ordeal, he did find it a bit amusing.
Author, people are presumably here to read how your character affects this world, not how heís just being one with the nonexistent backdrop and being affected instead.
"I can give you actual fries you know." Fryman said, as he place the order on the counter. Steven reached inside of his front pocket and pulled out a wallet with a star printed on it. He give Fryman a 5 dollar bill and told him to keep the change.
Wow, how generous Steven is for tipping Fryman five bucks for the free, oily waste product of the scraps found at the bottom of a deep fryer. Iím only being so elaborate because it seems like someone else besides Jet doesnít know what the bits are. And he supposedly watched the events of this episode, too.
The group started to head back to the temple with Steven and Amethyst munching on the fry bits.
"You sure you don't want any, Jet?" Steven said, holding the bag close to Jet. Jet shook his head no. He was just glad to accompany them. "Ok, more for us then...Ah sunset, my favorite time of day. The sun goes down and the second sun gets bigger and bigger in the sky." Amethyst and Jet looked at each other, then started to laugh.
Steven is overdosing on unsaturated fat to the point of delirious hallucinations, and all you guys can do is laugh?!
"Yeah," Amethyst said, still laugh a bit. "that big eyed second s..." Jet tapped her shoulder, getting her attention then he pointed up. What they saw looked like a gaint glowing eyeball heading straight for Beach City.
The unexplainable wonder that is the bits combined with Jetís mysteriousness have been too much for this intergalactic investigative probe to ignore, it seems.
Amethyst gasped and grabbed Steven, making him drop his bag of bits. She was running full speed toward the temple.
"Ah! my bits!" Steven shouted, as Amethyst was carrying him away. Jet grabbed the bag and followed them.
Okay, so thus far Jetís contribution to this universe has been saving Steven from losing a freezer and five dollars worth of heart attacks. Iíll just assume this will be his only contribution to this chapter, because Iíll only be insanely insulted if he somehow steals the spot light from the rest of this episode.
He got to the temple grounds before Amethyst and Steven did. He noticed that Pearl and Garnet was already investigating the scene.
"This is bad." Garnet said, looking up at the sky. Pearl was next to Garnet, looking through a telescope.
"Look at the size of it," Pearl said in amazement. "I had no idea these things get so big!"
ĒOh, sorry, my bad, I was looking at the authorís ego. The Red Eye seems kind of small in comparison, really."
And I'll halt the first part here. While starting out with a nice addition of his own envisioned material, this author only dragged me through all the things I hate about wish-fulfillment self-insert power-fantasies in doing so. At this point, I can probably not hope for something that irrevocably alters the course of the canon story, even as that new house is probably blocking passage between the temple and Beach City.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Feb 23 2017, 12:22 PM
When we last left off, Beach City was in a crisis. Fry bits were littered in the streets while corrupt business owners were charging five bucks for what essentially is trash. Thankfully, the friendly neighborhood self-insert was there to set things sort of right by picking them up. That will be the only thing he did in this chapter worth mentioning. Here's Chapter 2, Laser Light Canon, Part 2.
Jet looked at the sky and started to wonder if he could cut that object down.
'Probably not...' He thought, clenching his ribs a little. He still wasn't at 100% and if he did something drastic, who knows what would happen.
A stubbed toe would have you at less than a hundred percent, too, you fucking excuse magnet. I hate that you were put in a curb stomp battle that you lost hands-down, just so the author can have you look at the plot and still go ďYeah, I could totally fix everything if not for my minor booboos.Ē
He snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Amethyst shouting in the distance.
"Garnet! Pearl!" She shouted, still carrying Steven.
"We saw." Pearl said, turning around. "Some of us are trying to protect humanity... where were you?" Amethyst placed Steven on the ground next to her.
And how can this blowhard self-insert claim crippling injuries if he still leaps ahead of everyone?
"Eating fry bits." Amethyst said. Pearl groined at this.
This is not the perfect opportunity to thrust.
"Ah, Speaking of fry bits." Jet said, showing them the bag. "Here you go, Steven. You dropped your bag. Gotta be careful, dude." Steven grabbed the bag from Jet, gave thanks, and then proceed to walk over to where Pearl was.
Whatís next, are you going to manage Stevenís items and make sure he brings the Moon Goddess statue in the following episode? Connie may become Stevenís knight in the future, but youíve already made yourself a page, Jet.
"Can I see?" Steven asked, already looking through the telescope. "Whoa... it's a gaint eyeball! Awesome!"
"Not awesome." Pearl said, looking a bit annoyed. "It's a red eye!" Jet looked at her with a raised eyebrow.
'What a wierd name.' Jet thought, still looking up at the sky.
Yeah, I can truly see where you are coming from, indeed that is weird, my observant friend. I mean, itís not at all like the floating object hurtling towards you consist of either of those two descriptive features, right?
They need to figure out something quick or it's game over for Beach City.
How the heck do you know, already? Youíre not done wading through the exposition yet.
"Red eye?" Steven stated. "It's going to infect us all!"
"That's pink eye, dude." Jet said, laugh a bit. Amethyst started to laugh herself. Pearl looked at Steven and started to explain the situation a little more.
"It's going to crash into Beach City," She started. "and crush us, along with a bunch of innocent people... we have to stop it!"
ĒWe could probably do it with a fusion, but Amethyst just ate and Garnet is barely even animated this episode.Ē
'Geez,' Jet started to think. 'Scare the kid half to death, why don't cha?' Jet took at glance at Steven and noticed that he was shaking a bit.
"Well," Jet said, folding his arms. "What are we going to do?" He was still sore but he could fight.
Listen, you can start establishing yourself as whatever kind of supportive crutch you want to be for your wimpier version of Steven, but donít just start flip-flopping on whether you actually can take on the giant red eye in the sky.
"The only thing that's powerful enough to destroy this thing is the light cannon that belongs to Rose Quartz..." Garnet said, adjusting her glasses.
"My mom..." Steven said, looking at the rest of the group. Jet looked at the ground, a bit of sadness flowing over him. He never meet his mom and Steven must have never met his either.
Iím touched. Why have the two of you not had a bonding heart-to-heart about this yet, then? Did literally nothing happen in the two weeks you slummed at the Gems and until after they made you an entire house?
"If Rose was here, this would be so easy!" Amethyst said.
"I know," Pearl said, a bit of sadness in her eyes. "but she's not and the cannon is missing. We'll have to find another solution." All of them started to think about possible solutions, until Steven spoke up.
You shouldnít talk with your mouth full Steven. I mean, Iím only assuming you are eating all the fry bits right now, because theyíll never be mentioned in this chapter again.
"If it belong to my mom," Steven said, holding a finger up. "then I bet my dad knows where it is! He can help us save the day!"
"Greg is...umm... nice, Steven," Pearl said. "but I doubt Rose would entrust someone like him with such a powerful weapon."
Well, we all know what a powerful weapon he already wields and the Gems could apparently not trust him with that one, either.
"Your dad is kinda a mess, Steven." Amethyst said, patting Steven on the back.
"Amethyst!" Pearl shouted. Amethyst rolled her eyes.
"I just saying..." Amethyst said. "Even if she did leave it with him, he probably broke it, or lost it, or dropped it in the ocean by now..."
Or blew up the car wash by talking out loud to himself. Pearlís criticism aside, I honestly canít imagine any reason why he was entrusted with that thing, either.
"True." Garnet said, nodding her head. Jet didn't know what to say, he was still trying to figure out a way to beat the gaint doomsday eye that was slowly descending towards them. He could try that technique that he did on Garnet earlier but that takes time. He summon his kitana and placed it in the sand to let in gather energy. He figured that if that can't find the cannon, this could be a possible plan b.
Wait, so youíre saying that your asspull power-move is you using your weapon to sucks out the energy from the ground around you? Sorry, but I was under the impression that you were supposed to be a hero in this fanfic, not the living embodiment of all that Homeworld represents.
"No way." Steven said. "I'm sure he's keeping it somewhere safe. I'll go ask him!" Steven started to walk away.
"We can handle this Steven..." Garnet said, moving closer to Amethyst. "Ready?" Amethyst looked at her and nodded. Garnet grabbed Amtheyst and jumped in the air at an extreme height then proceed to throw Amethyst as hard as she could towards the gaint eyeball.
I wonder whatís most amazing. The fact that the Gems expected that to work, or the implications of Garnetís future vision assuring us that there was a chance that it actually would.
Amethyst hit the eyeball with a thud and slid down it, splashing into the ocean as a result. Steven and Jet raised a eyebrow at what just happened.
"Umm...I'm gonna go." Steven said, slowly walking away.
"Good luck." Jet said, waving at him.
Thank you for not butting in on the father-son bonding, Jet, but Iím actually genuinely concerned on how little fanfic we get out of your separation from the plot. You donít learn anything and you donít contribute either. Iím left just shrugging my shoulders as this author crafted himself a lose-lose scenario.
It been at least 30 minutes since Steven left and Garnet and Amethyst was still trying their "method" at trying to defeat the Red eye. Jet looked at his sword and picked it up, it was ready. Garnet throw Amethyst once more and the result was the same... nothing.
"Ugh.." Amethyst groaned, as she washed up on shore. "One more time! I think I'm cracking it!" Jet went up to Amethyst and offered to help her up. She blushed and took his hand.
Be it a glance, a nudge, a handshake, a hug, a punch, or as much as a fart from the authorís self-insert, the source of the authorís boner shall never fail to blush. So sayeth the gospel of Marty Stu.
"Before you do that," Jet said, helping her up. "you mind if I try?" Amethyst shrugged her shoulders. "You ladies might want to back up a little..." Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst moved back a little, giving Jet the space he needed. Jet closed his eyes in concentration, trying to mimic the move that he did earlier.
Mimic? Youíre telling me the first time was a fluke and this time it is improvised? Author, you concocted a mature, neigh-adult, half-breed gem-child OC from scratch, stole a bunch of other powers for him first, and now just gave him a new super ability out of thin air that he didnít even have before this chapter?!
'Mom...' Jet thought, opening his eyes as they glowed a fierce red. 'Give me strength!'
What, you need to invoke your mother if this move isnít used to impress your way into someoneís pants?
As soon as that thought was finished, Jet unleashed a gaint wave of purple energy towards the Red eye. It hit but didn't do enough damage to completely destroy it. There was visible cracks seen on it though. Jet sunk to the ground, his stamina near zero.
And Jetís contribution to the story is now even less than that, since we all know that the cannon can and now still will take it out in one shot. Laughably so in the face of all descriptions given to us, this entire flexing of the authorís flailing power-trip of a thirty-minute wind-up super attack canít even claim to be anything but slightly stronger than hurling Amethyst at something.
Garnet, Pearl, and Amethyst rushed to his side to make sure he was okay.
If the Marty Stu breaks, itíll just be replaced with an even worse one.
"Wow, that was incredible..." Garnet said, patting Jet's back. "Too bad it didn't completely destroy the Red eye though..." Jet scowled at her.
'Geez, thanks' Jet thought, getting to his feet.
Author, if youíre projecting right now, you are showing yourself to be utterly incapable of actually accepting deserved praise when served together with dire circumstantial facts. Your self-insert has done nothing but act like a self-absorbed asshole.
If he could use that attack one more time, that Red eye would be destroyed but he didn't want to risk the recoil that the attack would do to him. He started to think of another way to beat Red eye, when he heard a horn.
And that only fuels my observation further. Jet is not a hero. Heís not even a fucking side-kick. Heís a selfish prat. Innocent people are about to be crushed. Superman with a kryptonite-filled bloodstream, Spiderman without his powers, Darkwing Duck without a gas gun, name just about any hero you can think of on their worst day. What will they do to save innocent lives? I can tell you what Jet will do. Jack shit, if it means he has to suffer a bit of recoil. We are not even talking about his life being on the line here. Iím actually convinced each and everyone around Jet are willing to die for less than what Jetís selfish hesitance risks.
It was a white van with colorful art on it. On the sides of the van read 'Mr. Universe' on it. Steven and a man (that Jet presumed that was Steven's father), hopped out of the van (with the pink cannon behind it) and greeted the others. Steven's dad was wearing a white muscle t-shirt, blue jeans, and was bare footed. He also had a beard and long brown hair with a bald spot in the middle.
"Wow..." Pearl said, shocked. "He really had it!"
ĒYes! The bald spot. The first of many signs of a humanís incredibly brief life-span.Ē
"We're saved!" Amethyst shouted. Before she could continue with her celebration, the whole beach started to shake and the sky turned a dark pink. The Red Eye was really closing in on them.
"We have to use it now!" Garnet said, looking up. She and the others ran to were the cannon was, trying to get it to activate. Pearl was looking to see it there was some kind of switch located on it.
ĒRose usually told me; for a cannon to blast you work the shaft.Ē
"I don't know how this works." She said, continuing to search the cannon. "It was Rose's..."
"Dad..." Steven said, looking at his father. "How do we us it?" Steven's dad shrugged his shoulders. Pearl grabbed Steven by the shoulders, getting his attention.
"Steven!" She said, urgently. "This is serious! Wait... the gem... you have Rose's gem..." Steven raised his t-shirt to look at his gem. Amethyst grabbed Steven by the collar, startling him a bit.
As much as a bore it is to be dragged by the authorís misspelling-riddled work, at least during these canon-leeching intermissions I can fully pretend that Jet doesnít exists via his utter absence. Heís an afterthought, at best.
"That's it!" She said, with excitement. She picked Steven up and made him rub up and down on the cannon. She started to get annoyed. "Aw, C'mon!"
"Stop that." Garnet said. Amethyst looked at Garnet.
Rubbing phallic objects is discouraged by Garnet. Iíd be lying if I didnít admit Iíd expect some uptight tumblrite to have woven a man-hating conspiracy message from that alone.
"Fine." She said, still looking at Garnet. "Throw me again!"
"That not gonna work." Jet said, putting his weapon away. He crossed his arms and looked up.
'Everyone's getting desperate,' He thought. 'I don't blame them if they are...' Jet looked at Steven who was lightly banging on the cannon. He attention then shifted to Steven's dad, whose van started to get pulled by the ocean. Steven's dad noticed and tried to stop it. If they weren't in such a dire situation, Jet would've laughed.
You know, you donít have to go out of your way to prove that you canít replicate the showís humor, author.
"Please work," He heard Steven say. "Come on! Activate! Go! Please! Everyone's counting on you, you can't be just useless! I know you can help!"
"It's OK, Steven!" Steven's dad, (Greg) said. "We'll figure out some else!"
ĒMaybe an English teacher can sort out this mess.Ē
"Right," Steven said, looking at his dad. "if every porkchop was perfect, we wouldn't have hotdogs..."
I admire what the phrase means to say, I just feel itís a bit naive about what goes into a hotdog.
'What?' Jet thought, raising an eyebrow. He was gonna say something aboout that but then decided against it when he noticed that the cannon started to glow.
"It's working!" Pearl said, looking in amazement. Steven fell off the cannon and the cannon was pointed down Steven tried to lift the cannon by himself but it was too heavy for him. He sudden felt the pressure of it being lifted off him. He turned around to see Garnet, Amethyst, Pearl and Jet helping him lift the cannon. They aimed it right at the Red Eye.
Letís be honest here, author. If you were to redesign the intro sequence of the show, would Jet even be featured in a background shot?
"This is it!" Amethyst said.
"Brace yourselves!" Garnet warned.
"Let's do this!" Jet said, as the cannon started to charge power.
No less the a minute, a power pink beam shoot out of the cannon towards the Red Eye.
I usually only see this jumbled a sentence when authors are jerking off. What the hell is up with you, author?
The beam formed into a projectile rose, then it seemed to form in a person. The beam hit the Red Eye and it expolded in an instinct. All the gang could do is watch in amazement as the residue from the explosion landed on the beach.
"Crisis averted!" Jet said, giving a sigh of relief.
Can anyone tell me why this story exists?
"I know, right?" Amethyst said, agreeing with him. Her attention then shifted to Steven. "Congratulations, Steven! You just saved Beach City!"
"How did you get it to work?" Pearl said, looking at Steven.
"I just said that thing dad always says." Steven said. Pearl raised an eyebrow.
"That thing about pork rinds?" She said.
ĒOh, of course, how silly of me to forget. She and your father always had a fascination with food together. She would always talk of how Greg would fill cream in her donuts or pound tunas for her. Sometimes sheíd even hide his salami, the scamp.Ē
Garnet put a hand on her shoulder.
"It's hotdogs..." Garnet said, correcting her.
"Rose..." Greg said, with tears in his eyes. He was looking up at the sky.
And Jet has nothing to add. No introspection, no thoughts on who this person was and what she meant to all of them. Nope, heís only content to chime in and interrupt the story to bawl whenever heís reminded of his own forced background traits of loss and dysfunctional social concepts.
While everyone was celebrating the victory over Red Eye in their own way, Jet put his hands in his pockets and started to walk away. He was exhausted and on the verge of passing out in front of everyone. He was at his breaking point for the day, having to pump out a lot of power in one day was unusual for him. He knew situations like this was going to happen like this ever since he step foot in Beach City but he didn't care, he was just have a place where he can finally call home.
And if you donít care, what makes you think I will? If you knew they would happen, then tell me, how are you going to excuse all the other times you wonít be ready or at a hundred percent?
Another chapter is done and the author has had no effect on anything at all, in my opinion. I can only assume that these two chapters were the stepping stones to what comes next, as I can see that the following chapter is titled 'The Date'.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Mar 5 2017, 06:02 AM
Another chapter of this self-insert mess is begging to be mocked. And this time, perhaps we will get some insight into what this author considers 'Romance'. It seems like a trend, by the track record so far. Self-inserts seem to purely exist because authors want to personally bone a fictional character, the power-trip and ego-stroking probably just being a bonus. Of course, this could be where the author's attention and talent will shine, if he can convincingly woo one of these mono-gendered alien rocks. Excuse me a moment, I need to force myself from laughing uncomfortably as I type out the title. Here's Chapter 3, The Date, Part 1.
Jet was laying in his bed, muscles aching from this morning training session. He has been in Beach City for about 3 months now and he hasn't gotten any proper rest since.
The trick is to go to bed with your hands above the covers, buddy.
Since the encounter with Red Eye, Jet has been pushing his body to the extreme. He no longer trains with his doppelganger but with Garnet instead, as she provided him with a better challenge.
He could not understand why he still lost every game they had of Rock-Paper-Scissors.
Their training sessions usually end up in a draw or when the other has more important affairs to deal with.
And the authorís ego is already at half-mast by putting the already super-move toting self-insert on a slightly more than even keel with the most powerful member of the Crystal Gems. Want to bet the future conflict and plots still doesnít budge an inch despite this fact?
Jet sighed as he looked out the window. It was mid-afternoon and he was hoping to have a day off from adventuring with the crystal gems. He had joined their adventures from Steven having his fun with his so called cheeseburger backpack to discovering that Steven could shape-shift his fingers.
Well, I suppose it was for the better to skip the traumatizing episodes, full of sentient fast food mascots, sentient pancakes, sentient cat fingers, and hopefully not so sentient exploding plush toys. However, we are still left to assume that no canon event was changed in the slightest.
Speaking of Steven, Jet has been training Steven to use his powers. So far, only minimum success and Jet let out a smile at that.
Thatís right, make certain to keep the main cast beneath you at all times, you smug prick.
Steven and Jet were facing each other on the beach near the temple. Jet took off his trench coat and pulled his sword from his gemstone. He noticed that Steven flinched a little at his action and Jet cleared his throat, getting Steven's attention.
Steven is too polite to say to your face you should stop always stripping down right in front of him. Take the hint and put a shirt on already.
"Well, Steven," He started. "Due to certain... um... circumstances I'm not allowed to go completely all out." He took a look at Garnet, Pearl and Amethyst, (who were there to supervise) who in turn smiled at him a little. Jet sweat-dropped at this.
And can you explain to me whatís worth sweat-dropping for, you weeaboo? Your idiotic belief that youíre supposed to use parenthesis like that in narration, perhaps?
"Anyway, let's get started, shall we?" Jet bowed to Steven.
"OK," Steven said, returning the bow. "Let's do this, Jet." Jet smiled and charged at Steven. Steven was taken back by this sudden action. Jet was right in Steven's face, ready to strike but he backed off when he saw the fear on Steven's face. He sighed and shook his head.
Yeah, maybe if you actually told him what he was supposed to do and expect from you, perhaps the kid could actually start on whatever superior training your crappy addition to this universe is supposed to be justified by. Not only are you a lousy fighter, you suck at teaching it, too.
"C'mon, Steven." Jet said, cracking his neck a little. "You have to fight back or at least, defend yourself." He heard Steven sigh.
"I know but..." Steven started to say. "It's just... when we spar, you always have this sort of sinister look on your face that makes me freeze up." Jet widen his eyes at this.
ĒBut, the author never even described my face before, so how could you tell?Ē
"Sinister look?" He asked, with a look of confusion. Amethyst started to laugh at this and Pearl and Garnet giggled a little. He looked at them. "Do I really hae a sinister look on my face when I'm sparring?"
Iím honestly not surprised. So far, youíve only come across as wanting to fight because you want to hurt things.
"Well," Amethyst started, trying to control her laughter. "Yeah dude. You look like one of those old samurai's from japan. You need to reel it in a little." Jet sweatdropped once again and blushed a little.
Look, author, let me spell it out to you. If you take the Ďvisualí out of a visual gag, then you probably know what this shit is making me do.
"Will do then." He said, shifting his attention back to Steven. "How about if I put you in some sort of danger? There's a good chance that your gem powers might activate then..."
Activating his powers hasnít even been a topic yet, only you and your psychotic exterior.
"No." Garnet stated, her hand on her hip. "That's out of the question." Jet ignored her and walked up to Steven.
You can really tell Jet loves and respects the boundaries of his friends, canít you? Do you actually have friends, author?
"Hey," Jet whispered, in Steven's ear. "How 'bout you stand under that cliff? It might activate your powers..." Steven looked worried at that suggestion.
"Umm... I don't know..." Steven said, stroking his chin.
"If you do," Jet said. "I'll treat you to whatever you want..."
Should I get Chris Hansen in here? I had dreaded the title of this chapter already, but I hadnít thought this was the way things were going.
"Really?" Steven said. Jet nodded his head. Steven started to move underneath the cliff humming something about fry bits and pizza. While the gems were having a conversation about the location of their next mission, Jet sent a wave of invisible energy towards the cliff.
Yeah, sure, of course thatís something he can just do. Iím expecting at least two new ass pull super powers each chapter at this rate.
That energy was enough to make severe rocks, both big and small, to fall towards Steven.
"What?" Steven said, the rocks were closing in. The gems noticed this and started to race towards Steven. It was too late as the rocks covered Steven. Garnet looked at Jet and slowly walked towards him.
Even when their adopted child is supposedly horribly crushed to death, the author still has his self-insert be the center of the Gems' immediate attention.
"What did you do?" She asked, drawing her gauntlets. She was serious, this time. Jet smirked and pointed behind her.
Yes, you smirking shit stain, she knows you did that. Kindly use words and above negative respect so you donít lose all your teeth as deserved.
Garnet took a look and let out a small gasp. Steven was completely unharmed, he was covered by a pink bubble. Pearl, Amethyst and Garnet looked in amazement.
"Whoa!" Steven said, touching the bubble. "How did I do this?"
I could rant on for an entire page-worth at this, thatís how much shit is piling up! This asinine ass-hat, this incredulous cretin, just stole the credit for letting Steven learn his Bubble Shield power. This is the first appearance of this power. Jet didnít know Steven had it. He was merely assuming some power would be activated by putting Steven in mortal danger. That obnoxious ingrate has invaded this universe to boss others around, ignore any reasonable objection stated to him, and reap glory merely because the author wills his actions to pan out positively. But the most atrocious part of this is the fact, that this is neither how the power was activated nor what itís meant to represent, as far as I can infer. I donít even care that Connie isnít involved, despite that being suspect. At least a word search tells me she appears in some other chapter, but thatís besides the point. Steven discovered of his power because he wanted to protect someone else, not just himself. Because that is Stevenís character and a core point of the power itself!!
"When a gem is in danger, their power will activate." Jet stated,
Well, Iíll just assume you now know more on this topic than the first sentient, multiple millennia old alien lifeforms youĎve ever met, Mr. Gem Hunter! And if Stevenís power had been to specifically control metal, what then?
as he was walking towards Steven. "At least, for us half gems..." Jet and Steven laughed at this.
Itís not that I want to call you a special snowflake, since you already think you are just that, but you are aware that things can work differently for different people, and you put someoneís life on the line based on purely personal experience, right?
Steven started to bang on the bubble.
"Umm... how do I get out?" Steven said. Jet looked at Steven, letting a small smile form on his face.
"We'll work on control later." He said, as he mentioned Steven to move a little towards the back of the bubble. He stabbed through it and it instantly popped.
He has burst plenty of my bubbles already, with the same unjustified ease, too.
"Steven," Jet said, as he put his sword in his gem. "This is the first big step for you. Don't worry, soon enough you'll be strong enough to take me on in a serious sparring match." He folded his arms and started to walk away.
"Really?" Steven said, stars in his eyes. He noticed Jet nodded. "But before that..." Jet turned to Steven. "Looks like someone forgetting to treat me to whatever I want..."
ĒCookie Cat can only get imported from China after they discontinued productions in the States, so Iíll have a whole pallet, please.Ē
Jet started to close his eyes until he heard a knock at the door. Jet stretched his arms and walked towards the door to see who it was.
"Oh, hey Amethyst." Jet said, looking at her. He noticed that she wasn't saying anything and that she had a visible blush on her face. "What are you looking at?" Jet looked down and notice that he was in nothing but his boxers.
I would think Amethyst wouldnít bat an eye or at the very least applaud, seeing as she herself stated that it would be funnier if humans stopped wearing clothes.
"Sorry!" He said, running towards his room.
"Is this way you wanted your own place?" Amethyst asked, as she closed his door. Jet and Amethyst have been hanging out with each other more frequently. He hangs out with the other gems but he tends to hang out with Amethyst a bit more.
Nice establishment, author. Anything else you want to tell us that happened during your time-skip, at the precise moment after it has becomes important to the story?
"Well..." She heard him say. "I am a guy and I like having my own space. I've told you before that ..."
"Yeah, Yeah... you're a loner. I got it."
ĒYou can just come out and say that you masturbate a lot, you know.Ē
She said interrupting him. She looked towards his room. "You almost done in there?"
Hey, let a loner be lonely on his own time, Amethyst.
Jet walked out as soon as she said that. He was fully dressed (in his usual trench coat, black slacks and black tennis shoes) and was ready to go.
You only have one set of clothes, donít you? At least Steven has an excuse for wearing the same kind of shirt everyday.
"So." Jet said, opening the door for her. "Where shall we go today, mi'lady?"
To the fedora store for your new mandatorily black article of clothing.
Amethyst knew that he was joking but she couldn't help but to blush at this. Jet noticed that and smirked, he liked teasing her.
"Ugh. I don't know." She said, as she noticed Jet locked the door behind him. "You wanna just walk and talk?"
For my sake, you two could just as well be suspended in an empty void while communicating telepathically, because this author couldnít even describe a fart in a bag.
"Sounds good." Jet said, as he folded his arms. As they walked slowly on the beach, neither of them really spoke a word. One could say that they were merely enjoying the others company.
One could, but I chose not to. And if it can be implied, you neednít reinforce it, author.
It was about 10 minutes, until Jet spoke up.
"So..." Jet started, looking up in the air. "I know I said I'd be here a little while but I think it's about time I leave." Amethyst stopped walking and Jet did as well.
Motherfucker, they built you a house! A fucking house! Do you think that didnít cost them something?! Do you think the food in Stevenís fridge is free, too? I canít even tell why or where you are wanting to go. You donít have a life outside this place that the author feels compelled to expand upon. His incessant need to paint you as the cool loner only makes you an asocial asshole and a fucking leech on everyone around you.
"Why?" Amethyst said. "You just got here and now you wanna leave?" Jet was a little taken back by Amethyst's reaction. He was, of course, joking but he wanted to see how far he could take it.
I take that back, then. You are a manipulative monster, toying with everyone around you by deliberately misrepresenting your own thoughts and feelings. You truly are a sociopath!
"This city doesn't need me." Jet started. "It already have protectors. I usually go to cities that need help..." Jet said, as he started to walk away. He noticed that Amethyst drew out her whip and looked like she was ready to attack.
"You can't leave," She said, her voice cracking a bit. "You're like one of the few people that understands me. If you leave, that'll be like another person walking outta my life." Jet noticed that she started to tear up.
Amethyst does have some deep, personal issues, not quite about abandonment, but still something able to be linked to that. The fact, that the author probably is well aware of this and is using it as such, only disgusts me further.
'Shit...' Jet thought as he started to walk towards her. He felt guilty, it was only a suppose to be a joke to get a reaction out her. This wasn't the reaction he was expecting.
"Sorry." He said, pulling her into a hug. Amethyst blushed and started to hug back. "I didn't know that statement would make you cry." Jet was going to regret what he was about to say. "I was only joking... just to see what you would do."
Well, what did you expect, you miscreant? Being called on your bluff? A fare-thee-well? A request for you to actually stick around? I donít get this, but I know that there are people like this. Narcissistically pity-begging attention-thieves, needing Ė craving even Ė to confirm how oh-so invaluable and treasured they are by someone whose skin theyíve crawled under, by manipulating forth a response they expect from them, instead of being content with actual social interactions. It infuriates me when shitty authors think thatís actually an okay way to have someone act. And heís using this just to bare Amethystís emotions and set these two up on a date!!
Amethyst pulled away from the hug. "You What?" She hit Jet in the stomach, making him stumble back a bit. "I can't believe you... jerk." She started to lash her whip towards him but he caught it just in time. He pulled her into another hug, making her blush once more.
"Sorry." Jet said, once more. "I really mean it. It was a cruel joke. I took it to far... friends shouldn't joke like that..."
I donít see your point, Jet. You need to be a friend first and, even so, you just proved that you arenít one.
"Yeah, you shouldn't." Amethyst said, pulling away from Jet. Jet looked at her in bewilderment and wonder why she responded the way she did. Jet shook the thought from his head and started to walk back towards his home. It was awkward for them to continue taking their walk now.
Author, no one could decipher if you mean her reaction to the joke, or your constant pandering to the intimate reactions of your gem waifu. In either case, seek help.
"You coming?" Jet said when he notice Amethyst didn't move. She nodded her head, apparently lost in her own thoughts. Jet walked with Amethyst to the temple when they were greeted by Garnet at the front door.
"Hey, you two." Garnet greeted. She then shift her attention towards Jet. "So, training again tomorrow morning?"
ĒIf we keep doing it, maybe the author will pretend he knows any training routines at all.Ē
"Nah, not this time." Jet said, shifting his attention towards Amethyst. "I've done something terrible and need to make up for it. Garnet, could you give us a moment?" Garnet nodded and headed back inside. Amethyst stood there with a look of confusion on her face.
"Like I stated," Jet said, when he noticed her look. "I need to set this right. How 'bout we spend the whole day having fun tomorrow? We can go to FunLand and hang out and stuff. So, what do you say?"
ĒI was a jerk to you, so hereís an idea, letís spend more time together.Ē You really need a mental checkup, author. Next, youíll probably imply that an insult will singlehandedly lead you to third base.
"Like a date?" She said, raising an eyebrow. Jet blushed a little at her saying that.
"Yeah, I guess..." He said, scratching the back of his head. Amethyst shrugged her shoulders.
No, go ahead, put more feeling into how detached you both are with this scenario. Itíll really make this pairing feel less forced than Jetís super powers. The best thing this author could write would a contract for an arranged marriage.
And the first part of the chapter is halted here, in fine timing as the plot switches to what the title warns us would happen. So far, I'm only growing sicker with each new action Jet takes, as this sociopathic manipulator is overbearing and betrays core aspects of the source material. But, believe it or not, I still have hope. The author could turn this around. He could start making Jet likeable in some way, by having the focus switch to his actual interactions with people around him on this soon-to-happen 'date', instead of him being a bland self-insert stereotype. I am never one to doubt that an author can improve over time, and even glaring flaws should not be branded upon them forever.
Yeah, I know, I'm only setting myself up for even more disappointment with this saccharine bullshit, aren't I?
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Mar 19 2017, 11:14 AM
Well, it turns out the author is more productive than I am, and has produced multiple chapters since last I checked, leaving this story at eleven chapters so far. Let's try to can catch up and hope the story improves. Watch out for flying pigs while you do so. Here's Chapter 3, The Date, Part 2.
"Fine." She said, as she started to head inside. "But I'm not dressing up."
ĒLast time I did, Pearl threw a fit. I donít get it, I mean, itís not like that sweater was actually going to kill any virgins.
"I don't expect you to." Jet said, turning around. "Have a good night." And with that, Jet jumped from the temple to the beach. Amethyst let out a sigh and touched her gem.
'What's wrong with me?' She thought as her gem started to glow. 'Am I falling for this guy?'
If by Ďfallingí you mean plummeting from a high peak and cracking your gem upon impact, you might be more right than this fanfic deserves. Was it the way he toyed with your emotions like a yoyo that brought this on?
The morning sun was always a beautiful thing to witness but not for Jet this time.
Now it just reminded him of the fleeting passage of time dooming his mortal life, and how the author couldnít make transitions worth a damn.
He was snoring lightly as the sun started to rise. He was mumbling in his sleep something giant hot dogs and leftover sake. He always had strange dreams like that.
If youíre attempting to give your self-insert a quirk, author, what do you expect me to interpret from his dream of a wet phallic symbol?
He was still snoring until a loud boom startled him awake. He quickly drew his weapon from his back.
"Who's there?" He asked, still half sleep. Not hearing a response, he stretched his limbs and looked out of the window. What he saw was Garnet training against a doppelganger of herself.
Oh, Lapis is already free and attacking them all? Yeah, right, youíre just being woefully obnoxious in giving hologram powers to everyone who has no business having them, author. What the fuck is wrong with you?
He sighed tried to go back to sleep but with all the noise she was making he couldn't. Jet decided he might as well get ready for the day as he grabbed his toothbrush and headed to the bathroom.
After spending 15 minutes in the bathroom,
Of which 13 minutes was probably spent admiring his mysterious self in the mirror.
Jet picked out what he was going to wear for his "date" with Amethyst.
No, wait, donít tell me. Hot pink, right?
He throw together a solid black t-shirt and black sweatpants, he also threw on black sandals as well.
And thatís just your character in a metaphoric nutshell, isnít it? Bland, basic, one note, no variety, stale, unimaginative, boring and empty. If you like the color so much, why donít you date that instead?
He looked at his clock and notice that is was a little after 7 a.m. He knew that Amethyst was still sleep (even though she didn't need to) at this time so he decided to watch T.V. until it was time to get Amethyst.
And I thought I was putting things off, yet even this chapter is dragging its feet in getting to fulfil its actual title!
As he flipped on the T.V. he channel surfed until he landed on a show called "Crying Breakfast Friends".
'What the hell?' Jet thought, as he watched a pear and piece of bacon cry their eyes out. Jet was instantly annoyed. 'Next!' He quickly changed the channel and the current show was a little better. It was a show about a samurai rabbit and frog. He left the channel there and ended up falling asleep to it.
Dissing on the Crying Breakfast Friends show while then making up a new show based off of Stevenís canon imagination of Garnetís secret animal friends. While the former is an obvious meta self-referential satire of how Steven Universe is so focused on emotions and how prone each episode is to have tears burst forth, and even with other characters than Steven showing dislike of it by not understanding it, I canít help but feel this reaction further shows how awkward and offputtingly separated Jet is from the source material. I guess had the author put on a Lonely Blade movie, it would have blown Jetís mind at how utterly clichťd he actually is.
About 4 hours later, Jet woke up with a start. He hopped up to check on the time. it was a little after 11 a.m. he sighed a breathe of relief, he thought he overslept.
This guy complained in the previous chapter how he was unconscious for most of the day, and now he just wasted 4 hours of this one. Do you have a healthy sleep schedule, author?
He didn't want to piss off Amethyst again, not after yesterday. He headed to his front door and headed towards the temple. He looked around the beach to see that Garnet and her doppelganger went all out, as there were debris everywhere.
Debris of what, exactly? Sand? Sea shells? The Red Eye chunks that the author wouldnít even let reach the beach?
he shook his head and jumped towards the temple front door. He knocked 3 times before Pearl answered the door.
"Well, hello Jet." Pearl stated. "Are you here to see Steven?" Jet glanced inside to notice Steven was still sleeping.
I would call out Pearl on being an irresponsible parent in either letting Steven sleep in or stay up too late, but then I sort of remembered she goes Edward Cullen creeping on him during the night.
"No," Jet said. "I'm actually here to see Amethyst. Is she awake yet?" Pearl raised an eyebrow. Jet turned his head a bit embarrassed that Pearl was looking at him like that.
ĒReally, Jet? Amethyst? Well, she does collect literal trash, so I suppose you are sort of perfect for each other.Ē
"I'll go see." Pearl said. "Please come in and wait while I do." Jet playfully bow to her.
"Yes, mi'lady." Jet said, letting himself in. Jet went to sit on the couch to wait on Pearl to get Amethyst. Jet could hear Steven's light snoring above him, as Steven's bed wasn't that far from the couch.
"Amethyst." Pearl said, knocking on the star door that connects to each gem's room. "Jet's here to visit you."
ĒAnd I know youíve been having second thoughts, but whatís the worst thing that could happen? At least no matter what should happen on your pity date, itís not like weíll be one noisy, childish, unpleasant and all-devouring burden less.Ē
Suddenly, the purple gem started to glow and the door opened. Jet stood up and whistled.
"Wow." Jet said, looking at Amethyst. "Little changes makes a big difference."
Your dick turns her into Steven II, yes, I just had caricature Pearl do a joke about that.
Amethyst was wearing her usual attire but she was wearing purple earrings (her hair pulled back a little to show them off) and purple bracelets. Even Pearl was surprised at Amethyst's appearance.
Itís worse than expected. The plague of adhering to a single hue of color in attire is contagious!
Amethyst was blushing at them two of them staring at her.
"Can we go already?" She said, rushing over to Jet. Jet held his arm out and Amethyst, blushing like mad, held on to it. Pearl started to giggle a little and Amethyst shot her a mean look.
"Have fun you two!" Pearl said, as the two headed out the door. Jet give her a thumbs up.
Pearl just canít wait for the hilarity when Amethyst get revenge on Jet, by emotionally scarring him via her shape shifting powers.
Jet and Amethyst spend the rest of the day just having fun at Fun-land. They played a couple of arcade games, even though Amethyst didn't understand a majority of them.
Are you sure you have the right Gem in mind, author? Amethyst even plays console games with Steven. Besides, Funland Arcade is on the other side of town from the actual Funland.
They also rode on whatever ride that they could and generally having a good time. The sun was starting to set and Jet was starving, he didn't want to eat it Fun-land because of their "overpriced" food.
Weiner-In-Hand had to raise the prices of their hotdogs to cover the bizarre lawsuit given to them by the game company behind Meat Beat Mania.
"Amethyst." Jet said, looking at her. "I'm hungry, where do you wanna eat at?"
What was the point of complaining and addressing overpriced food inside your head when youíre letting Amethyst decide? There are sacrifices to be made on a date, cheapskate.
Amethyst pointed at a building in the distance. From where she was pointing, it was in the direction of Fish Stew Pizza.
Or the Big Donut, or Beach Citywalk Fries, or maybe even the fabled, closed down Aqua Mexico. The Crab Shack is even closer. Again, Funland is on the other side of town, clearly established in every shot overlooking Beach City, author. Were you too busy seeing purple to notice?
"Pizza, huh?" Jet said, nodding his head. "Sounds awesome! Let's go!" Jet started to walk in the direction of the restaurant. Amethyst smirked and started walking as well.
It didn't take them to get to Fish Stew Pizza and Jet's stomach growled noisily. He heard Amethyst giggle and he blushed as a response. He opened the door for her and was greeted by a man who had a weird shaped Afro and was wear a green shirt with an apron over it.
This is the Red Eye all over again! His hair is shaped in a broadening cone so it look like a slice of pizza from wherever you look, is that so difficult to describe, you easily weirded out weirdo?
"Welcome to Fish Stew Pizza." He said. "What can I get for you?" Jet was looking at their menu, their prices seem reasonable to him.
On one hand, heís the douchebag who insulted Amethyst and invited her for this day to make it up to her, but on the other hand, where the fuck is this jerkwad even getting his money from?
"Can I get a medium pizza with two large soft drinks?" Jet said.
You must have watched the episode introducing the Pizza family, author. Did you miss the bit where your engine oil drinking crush states that their pizza isnít even good?
"What can of soft drinks would you like?" The man said, writing down Jet's order.
"Any for me." Jet said, his attention shifted to Amethyst. "What drink would you like Amethyst?"
"Same for me." Amethyst said, twirling her hair with her finger.
ĒTwo over-priced gourmet sparkly water with no flavor, coming right up.Ē
"OK." The man said. "So, I have a medium pizza with two drinks. What kind of pizza?"
"Any." Jet said, trying to soothe his growling stomach.
What the fuck is this? Laziness is one thing, author, but youíve already pretended these two bonded through a single paragraph summing up their day, and now you are throwing them into a pizzeria and just saying Ďgive them whatever, who caresí, truly displaying how hollowed out and empty this pretend-date is. No thought, no investment, no dedication, no interest, and no effort was put into this date, by anyone involved, including you!
"OK, that'll be $14.95." The man said. Jet reached in front of his pockets to grab his wallet. He gave the man 3 five dollar bills.
Itís not like weíve seen Jet being able to handle any other kind of money at this point. Seriously, thereís a weird half-assed attention to this shit in this fanfic, and itís pretty sloppily missing afforded opportunities as the show itself introduced a three dollar bill.
The man gave him his change
Five cents in return and no tip? Iíd ask if Kofi was not short and pretty enough, Jet, but youíre already rather tightfisted with your wallet around Amethyst.
and the two sat at a table towards the back. Jet looked at Amethyst and she seemed to be in thought.
"You OK?" Jet said, getting her attention.
"I'm fine." She said. "Just thinking... that's all." Jet raised an eyebrow at her.
I know, right? Sheís a female character stolen from the canon specifically for you to fuck, so having her thinking for herself is pretty weird.
"I'm not boring you, am I?" Jet said, folding his arms. "If am I.." Jet leaned closer to her, making her a little nervous. "What can I do to make this enjoyable for you?"
A question the author evidently doesnít ask any readers of this trash.
Amethyst blushed at this.
"Nothing..." She said. voice crackling a little. "I wonder how long the food's gonna take..."
'Cute.' Jet thought, as he watched her reaction.
The two had small conversations as they were waiting for their food. Jet talked about his father and his intense training regiments he had to do. He also talked about his school days and the fights he got in.
Can you imagine that, weíre missing the actual details to this idiotís illusive background story, but the author pretends that heís giving us some anyway. As if it even matters.
Amethyst would talk about the days that she would prank Pearl and the time she spent around Rose. Before they knew it, their order was ready.
"Order up!" The man shouted. "One medium pizza and two soft drinks!" Jet and Amethyst went up to the counter to get their order. Jet carried the pizza and his drink and Amethyst carried her drink. The two sat in the same seats.
And weíre not even being told what any of those wild card purchases were because the author only wants Amethystís tuna taco!
"Can I ask you something?" Amethyst said. Jet nodded his head as he opened the pizza box. "Have you ever been in a romantic relationship before?" Jet coughed at that.
"Why?" Jet said, as he grabbed a slice.
Probably to know whether to pity your ex or belittle your currently flaccid attempts at having one now.
"Just wanna know." Amethyst said, grabbing a slice herself.
"Well, yeah..." Jet said, taking a bite. "It didn't end well though..." He trailed off.
"What happened?" Amethyst said.
ĒShe needed money for surgery, you see, but I felt that was overpriced.Ē
She was interested and Jet could tell. He didn't want to tell her the story because of how it made him feel. Jet took a deep breathe and looked outside the window.
"I was dating a normal girl,"
Well, obviously you need to lower your standards, Jet.
Jet said, putting his slice down. "or at least I thought she was. I was in the 11th grade at the time and I was a hard guy to approach.
Are you trying to suggest that your repelling nature now is unrelated to that?
I didn't have that many friends and the only true friend I had was a nerdy guy named Josh. To cut the story short, she left me for my friend Josh..." Jet felt a surge of anger boiling in him.
"She was evil. She mocked me and told me that I was too weak for her." Jet said, his eyes turning a fierce red. Amethyst noticed his eyes changing color but remained silent. "But...that's the past. There's nothing I can do..." Jet eyes returned to normal and he took a sip of his drink.
I could pick apart this pathetic scenario for multiple paragraphs, but itís just not worth it. Fake or projected, just because a nameless girlfriend found someone with a better cock than this alien hybrid, two people were happier off and are to be branded evil in our eyes. How narrow-mindedly petty, contrived and paper thin in angst substance. If youíre done cucking your self-insert for the Internet to see, author, these two were supposed to be on a date.
"Sorry dude." Amethyst said.
"Like I said it's the past..." Jet said, looking out the window again. It was getting late and he knew he had to get to bed early in order to resume his training schedule. "You wanna take this to go?"
I sort of thought Kofi wanted the two of you out of his shop to begin with, since he gave you your pizzas in a box, instead of on plates like any decent establishment.
"Sure." Amethyst said. picking up the pizza box. Jet grabbed their drinks and said goodbye to the man at the counter.
The walk back to the temple didn't take long. Jet walked Amethyst up the stairs of the temple. Amethyst grabbed a key from under the welcome mat. She unlock the door and mention for Jet to come inside. He looked up to where Steven's bed was and it was empty.
'I wonder where Steven is?' Jet thought, as he put Amethyst drink on the kitchen counter.
I donít know, maybe he could be out having an adventure actually worth reading about. What do you care?
"Well." Jet started. "I had fun. How about you?"
"Yeah!" Amethyst said. "We definitely gotta do that again..." There was a moment of silence between the two. Jet was the first to break the silence.
ĒThat pizza wasnít free, you know. Wink wink.Ē
"Alright then." Jet said, grabbing one of Amethyst's hands. "Have a good night, mi'lady." And with that, he kissed Amethyst's hand.
Look, author, towards a potential significant other you can be gallant, you can be courteous, but you can also be remotely self-aware of how disgustingly cheesy youíd be for this behavior, especially towards someone who actually lived through the age when they supposedly spoke like that.
Amethyst blushed wildly at that and didn't have a response. Jet smiled and started to walked out the door.
'Wow...' Amethyst thought, her gem starting to glow brightly. 'That guy...' Amethyst helded on to the spot where Jet kissed her at and headed to her room, a smile clearly intact.
And we have the glow of horniness be her night light as the author closes this chapter, thinking this half of it was even passable as fluff. Did we even get a single indication that Jet actually liked this? For being the person weíre following through this story, not a single emotion, besides the cringe-worthy track record of his love-life, was shown to us.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Mar 31 2017, 10:19 AM
Now we move on to mock the next chapter, and we’re still suffering through this author’s very consistent misspellings. Here’s Chapter 4, Gaint Woman, Part 1.
It's been 2 weeks since Jet had his "date" with Amethyst and what a 2 weeks it has been. First, Jet found out that Beach City had an underground wrestling league. He was in the audience, watching a regular match when he noticed that 2 of the wrestlers looked like Steven and Amethyst. He didn't say anything to the others about it or he didn't mention it to the 2 in question. He let the scenario play by out by itself.
So, you didn’t contribute to anything, didn’t affect the canon, couldn’t give a fuck why anything was happening, and have no interest at all in the lives of the people we are supposed to believe you are willing to be joined at the hip with. I know I’m basically saying you neither deserve nor truly have any business sticking around, but could it hurt you to at least pretend that you do?
Secondly, while on a mission, Steven befriended a pink lion.
And that’s the breathtaking summary of some of the most foundational episodes of the very series, folks! ‘What a 2 weeks it has been’, huh? I can describe a greater adventure of picking lint from my own navel!
Currently, Jet was sitting on the beach watching Pearl and Amethyst play checkers. Steven was sitting on a life guard chair with a bucket of water ballons to make the game more interesting. Steven was smiling from ear to ear and he was wearing shades.
Should I start worrying about us getting glued back onto the canon railroad by the author, or start questioning how Steven keeps snatching random objects from the town every other episode?
"Steven." Pearl said, looking up at him. "Are the water ballons really neccessary?"
"Yeah!" Steven said, holding a water ballon. "This way, the moves really matter."
"But this is checkers. Every move matters." Pearl said. Amethyst started to twirl her hair with her finger. Jet started to yawn, this was kinda boring to him.
Look, if the prospect of watching your sort-of girlfriend both wet and twirling her hair wasn’t what baited you into the agony of spectating a checkers match, why are you even here?
"Sounds like someone is being a sore loser." Amethyst said, as she continued to twirl her hair. Pearl looked annoyed at what she said.
"I'm not a sore loser," Pearl said, as she placed her piece at precise points on the board.
Oh my fucking stars, you don’t even know what a jump is in checkers, author?
"because I just won the game..." Jet and Amethyst looked at the checker board in surprise.
"Wha?" Amethyst said in surprise. She looked up to see that Steven was getting ready to pour the bucket of ballons on her. "Here it comes..." She had her arms outstretched, waiting for the onslaught of ballons. She started to laugh as they hit her.
I can’t help but suspect this entire scene is Steven’s innocence making him misunderstand the implied concept of a wet t-shirt contest.
"Ahh..." She said. laying in the sand. "It feels good to lose..."
"I'll have to remember that..." Jet said, smirking at her.
Found another way to mentally manipulate your victim, I see.
Before Amethyst could say something, Pearl cleared her throat, getting everyone's attention.
"I hope that's not the attitude you have during battle." Pearld said, folding her arms.
"Ugh. You're no fun anymore." Amethyst said, standing up. "This is why we never form Opal."
"We don't form Opal," Pearl said, leaning closer to Amethyst. "because you're difficult and a mess." Amethyst leaned closer to Pearl, they were butting heads now.
”We don’t form Opal because you keep calling me Rose when we do.”
“We don’t form Opal because you’re horrible at sexual roleplay."
"We don't form Opal because you're uptight and..." Amethyst started. She was interupted by Steven jumping down and pushing Amethyst and Pearl away from each other.
"Guys! Guys!" He said, with excitement. "What is Opal?"
"I'm curious too..." Jet said, getting up.
"Oh, it's the two of us... mashed together..." Amethyst said, linking her fingers. Pearl snorted at that.
”Oh, please, we don’t have that many legs, Amethyst.”
"Is water just hydrogen and oxygen mashed together?" Pearl asked.
"Ummm..." Steven and Amtheyst said, slighty confused at what she said. Jet folded his arms but said nothing.
His silence tells me this was clearly the type of question that led him to dropping out of highschool.
Pearl slapped her hand against her forehead.
"Analogy wasted..." She said. She begun to kneal down in the sand and with her power, made to figurines that looked like herself and Amethyst.
"Look here Steven. When we synchronize our forms..."
”And that’s all that’s necessary, Steven; synchronizing. That two-timing Topaz in Ocean Town meant nothing to me!
Pearl said, as the figurines started to dance. "We can combine our power to create a powerful fusion gem named Opal." She made the two figures spin and then combine with each other. Amethyst stomped the figurine.
"Except..." She started. "I don't dance like that."
And now I wonder what the percentage of breakdancing gem-sonas is out there in the fandom. If I should ever conjure up such a bizarre creation, I’ll make certain it favors the polka.
"Wow!" Steven said. "That's so cool!" Jet cleared his throat, getting their attention.
"Is she hot?" Jet asked, causing both Amethyst and Pearl to blush. "Just wanna know." Steven started to laugh a bit at this.
Because that’s the only thing that matters, when you learn that your friends or would-be family has a member you haven’t been introduced to yet; are they bangable?!
"Well." Amethyst said, still blushing a bit. "She is but..."
"Tell us more about her..." Steven interrupted.
Yes, lets return to the undisturbed canon dialogue, and completely ignore the idiot who practically asked his already sketchy relationship to include a threeway.
"She's an ultra powerful, stone-cold betty..." Amethyst said. "That part's me and she's kinda tall... that part's Pearl."
"What Amethyst is trying to say," Pearl started. "is that Opal is a combined effort of our magical and physical attributes fused into a single entity."
Combined effort? The original line is ‘amalgam’, author. Is it that complicated a word for you, or are fusions going to be something different in this story?
"That's a very complex why of saying that..." Jet said, raising an eyebrow. Pearl blushed and turned her head in annoyance.
Really? That was complex to you? Oh, sorry, I forgot who I was dealing with here. One plus one equals two, say it with me now.
"Well." Steven said, grabbing Pearl's hand. "Can you do that right now? C'mon, form Opal!" Steven was trying to drag Pearl were Amethyst was. Pearl stopped him before he could move her any closer.
"Pfft." Amethyst retorted, folding her arms.
"We only form Opal when it's abolutely neccessary." Pearl said, closing her eyes.
”That is to say, Amethyst and I only fuse with each other when we have to. We’d both do Garnet the moment she asked. Heck, I did your mom in front of your dad merely out of spite.”
Before Steven could say anything, the group saw a bright light flash from the temple.
"Garnet's back!" Steven said, as he took off towards the temple. Pearl wasn't that far behind him. Jet and Amethyst started walking together. Ever since that they've had their "date", the two of them seemed closer to one another. Not quite on the romantic level, but it was close.
The ‘my main squeeze isn’t putting out, so you’ll have to do’ kind of relationship.
"Opal, huh?" Jet said, looking at Amethyst. "She seems very interesting... I wonder how strong she is..." Amethyst huffed in annoyance.
'This guy's got fighting on the brain.' Amethyst thought. 'Don't he ever think about anything else?'
By the time that they arrived at the temple, Garnet was handing Steven a rock. Jet decided not to ask any questions at that.
Well, it’s not like you’ve ever initiated a worthwhile conversation outside of butting in on canon dialogue, so why start now?
"So..." Pearl said, walking up to Garnet. "How did the mission go? Was it a success?"
"I've located the geo beetles of Heaven and Earth." Garnet started, pushing her visor closer to her face. "We should split up to retrieve them."
"Well, I'm going with not Pearl." Amethyst said, placing a hand on her hip.
"That's perfectly fine." Pearl said, also placing her hand on her hip. "Because I don't want to go with grammatically incorrect people anyway."
Well, you heard her, Jet. I guess you’ll just have to sit this one out.
"You four go together." Garnet said, folding her arms. "I go alone."
"What? Why?" Amethyst and Pearl said at the same time.
"The Earth Beetle is located at the bottom of the boiling lava lake and only I can swim in lava." Garnet said, forming a swimming mask. "You'll locate the Heaven Beetle at the top of the sky spiral, it's way safer."
As long as they feed the freeloader to the giant bird in order to escape, they should be fine.
"You mean boring-er." Amethyst said, rolling her eyes.
"You mean more boring." Pearl said, correcting her.
"So, you agree with me." Amethyst said with a smirk. Pearl eyes widen a bit.
"C'mon you 3, let's go." Pearl said in annoyance. The four of them started to walk towards the warp pad.
"Steven." Garnet said, getting his attention. "Be sure to keep the harmony..."
”And Jet. Fake it till you make it.”
"No problem!" Steven said, running to the pad. Amethyst and Pearl were already on the pad, looking away from each other. Jet was on his way to the pad as well.
"And Jet..." Garnet said. "Maintain yourself." Jet shot her a confused look but then shook it off and give her a thumbs up. With the four of the on the warp pad, they teleported to their next location.
"Wow..." Jet said, as he looked around. "This place is beautiful. It'll be the perfect place for taking someone on a date."
Not only do you keep proving to me how little patient thought and mental investment you have for the concept of dating, Jet, I’m also convinced the author will never even let this place have another appearance until the show does.
The area that the group was in was indeed beautiful, with mountains and hills as far as the eye could see. In the distance, you could see a temple located on the tallest mountain. Amethyst blushed at that statement but continued to walk forward.
Can you write Amethyst without making her blush every non-canon paragraph, author? You’re even more thirsty than Pearl!
"You're right Jet." Steven said, looking at the temple in the distance. "So, is this were the Heaven Beetle lives?"
"Yep." Amethyst said, standing besides him. "All the way at the top."
"So..." Steven said, looking at Amethyst and Pearl. "When you fuse, do you turn into a gaint, gaint woman or just a regular-sized gaint woman?" Amethyst let out a groan in annonyance and Pearl rolled her eyes.
It was only all too clear to them now, that Steven had inherited his father’s insatiable height fetish.
'Do they really hate fusing that much?' Jet wondered, as he watched their reactions. As Steven continued to ask questions about Opal, the group made their way towards the top of the mountain. As they was walking along, they saw a bush rustle. Not know what it was, Pearl, Amethyst and Jet drew out their weapons.
I assume then that Jet has chosen to forget his encumbering trenchcoat for the benefit of the narrative and his own vanity. Maybe not all hope for this chapter is lost.
All of the sudden, a goat popped out of the bushes, chewing on a rose. Jet and the others dropped their guard a little.
"Look out!" Steven said, pointing at the goat. "It's a magical goat guardian! Quick, you have to form Opal! Hurry, before it kills us all!" Jet and Pearl groaned at this.
"Steven." Pearl said, walking to where the goat was. "We only fuse for deadly situations. Does this look like a deadly stuation?"
Maybe. With this author’s lack of details, you could be standing next to Baphomet himself.
She was standing next to the goat when she finished saying that. All of the sudden, the goat bit her hand.
"Ow, Hey!" Pearl said. "Bad mountain goat!" Amethyst started to laugh at the situation that was playing before her and Jet put his weapon away. He let out a sigh and yawned.
'So far, no action.' Jet said. 'I'm getting a little bored.'
Listen, Jet, that gnat you call a personality can only obscure its reasons for its existence so much. Either you are right now being used to excuse the author sticking through every moment of the canon, comment on the canon episode’s pacing, or simply think and act like a primitive barbarian asshole waiting for a gem to jump on his cock. Either way, why the fuck is the author writing this?!
"Darn it." Steven said. "I'm never gonna see Opal..." He started to sing after that. He started to sing about seeing Amethyst and Pearl turning into a gaint woman.
Giant! It’s gi-ant, motherfucker. It’s the title of the song. It’s even the fucking title card of the episode. It’s five letters which quadriplegic kindergarteners can clap the syllables to better than you!!
The group continued the journey towards the top as Steven continued to sing. By the time he finished singing, they were nearing there. The only thing that was stopping them was floating platforms.
The obstacles you mention are what’s going to help them cross the giant chasm that’s actually stopping them, author. I swear, you’re the type who’d describe a broom as the source of dust!
The goat was the first to make it across the platforms with ease and went inside the temple.
"Wait up, Steven. Jr!" Steven said, as he prepared to jump arcoss.
"Steven, I don't think you can make those jumps." Pearl said. Amethyst went to were Steven was and picked him up. She manage to throw him on a platform closest to the temple. She jumped and landed on the platform with him. Jet and Pearl jumped on a platform next to them.
Wow, you really feel the tension, the anxiety, the sheer utter apathy as the author directs the motions of these characters as if this was a hand-puppet show.
"Wow, Amethyst." Steven said. "That was a really good idea."
"I know." Amethyst said, smiling. "I'm full of them." Pearl was really freaking out at this point.
"Aw, C'mon Pearl. It's safe. Just look." Steven said, as he started to rock the platform back and forward.
'Bad idea, kid.' Jet said as he had a feeling that all that rocking would made Steven fall off. As soon as he thought that, he seen Steven fall off. Jet almost facepalmed for that.
Steven is currently falling to his death and instead of feeling shock and fear like an actual caring person would, you instead act like a turd the author threw at the fourth wall in an attempt to make foresight your untimely comedy shtick. Why should anyone like you?
Pearl and Amethyst looked at each other and nodded. Pearl dove right after Steven and Amethyst drew out her whip. Pearl managed to catch Steven and Amethyst was able to wrap the whip around Pearl's waist just in time. Jet helped Amethyst pull the two up.
And this was all that we could get from the self-proclaimed master of air, for whom the Gems had never seen anyone move as fast as he? Your useless contributions list grows ever so pathetically: A freezer, grease balls, and now a heave.
All of them let out a sigh of relief as they were all standing on one platform.
"That was so great how you to worked together." Steven said. "Why don't you do that all the time?" Pearl and Amethyst looked at each other then looked away.
It took no time getting to the top of the temple. Steven was the only one that was breathing really hard by the time that they got there.
Yeah, no wonder, since the author thinks no time actually transpires during a stair-climbing sparing scene transition. Why does this author love depicting Steven as less than he is?
The group was in a room surrounded by very shallow water. There was a walkway for them to stand on and it the very end on the walkway was a tiny temple.
"I can't feel my legs anymore." He said, in between his breathing.
"I got ways to build up your stamina." Jet said, as he cracked his knuckles. Steven frowned at this.
If you could stop butchering the actual comedic interludes of the show, by pretending you are even going to make a difference with your self-insert, maybe you’d know what humor even is, author.
I'll halt the first part of the chapter here. The author keeps on dragging us all through the original events of each episode he found worthy enough of his self-insert to make an unimpressive and pointless appearance in. This bugs me to no end. Jet has no impact, and at most he seems not even willing to even attach himself to the moment he's in, like he's still just sitting on the opposite side of a television screen, with the only benefit being that the show can respond to the peanut gallery.
This post has been edited by ConcernedGamer: Mar 31 2017, 10:26 AM
Joined: 14-April 12
From: Charleston South Carolina
Member No.: 631
Mar 31 2017, 08:06 PM
Yeah, that's basically it in a nutshell. This dude does all of the things fanwank authors do when writing in their OCs, except for some reason this guy really felt out of place for no reason. It's not even that he changes the shit around him to fit his self-insert; it's that he just doesn't mesh into the environment. He's a giant smear of black over a pastel painting.
Edit: The racial implication was unintended, but I guess appropriate.
This post has been edited by truthordeal: Mar 31 2017, 08:06 PM
Currently Mocking: Final Fantasy VI: A Retard Tale (Final Fantasy 6)
Finished Mocks: A Step Onto Chronos: The Magical Adventures of
The Shield's Triple Threat: Fic 1: Both of Us, Fic 2: Negotiation Tactics, Fic 3: They Didn't Call Him the Architect for Nothing (WWE)
Chris Benoit's Family Circus: Fic 1: As a Murder Does, Fic 2: Wolverine's Cub, Fic 3: Blank Space (WWE)
High School Sweethearts: Fic of the Year Edition (The Bible [Yes really])
Hitler did a lot of poor things, but at least he wasn't a Holocaust denier.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Apr 3 2017, 11:41 AM
Yeah, that's basically it in a nutshell. This dude does all of the things fanwank authors do when writing in their OCs, except for some reason this guy really felt out of place for no reason. It's not even that he changes the shit around him to fit his self-insert; it's that he just doesn't mesh into the environment. He's a giant smear of black over a pastel painting.I know, right?! Honestly, though, weíve never actually been told Jetís skin color or ethnicity Ė he could be purple for all I know or even care Ė but to directly state that he inherited an afro from his father is something of an implying indicator that actually lets us know as much. But this has been the elephant in the room for me with this authorís constant penchant for the shade of black, so much so that I fear the author himself would be persecuted the moment one SJW could suspect him of producing this bland, freeloading highschool dropout as a racially stereotyping propaganda caricature. I, on the other hand, just call it a typically clichťd OC self-insert.
Edit: The racial implication was unintended, but I guess appropriate.
Anyway, the author has stepped up production of this fanfic, and so Iím pushing for a temporary full throttle for this second part, so as to keep myself on track before doing more of my other current mock. Hereís Chapter 4, Gaint Woman, Part 2.
"No thanks!" He said. "I'm good...hey, look at that!" He pointed to what looked like a tiny temple. The goat was standing next to it. "It's a tiny temple." Pearl walked over to were Steven was. Amethyst and Jet remained by the outer entrance.
"It's just where Garnet said it would be." Pearl said, leaning down to get a better look at the mini temple. "The Heaven Beetle should be inside."
ĒWe need an elaborate plan to pull this retrieval mission off. Weíll dress Steven as either a pizza delivery boy or a plumber and have him knock on the tiny temple door. Human movies typically have plots where homeowners constantly asks to be taken by those, for some reason.Ē
"Pfft." Amethyst retorted. Jet looked over to her, she had her arms folded.
"What's the matter?" Jet said, his arms crossed as well. "Wanna talk about it?"
"Maybe later." Amethyst said, looking the other way. Jet raised an eyebrow then shook it off.
And Iím doing the same, because unless Amethyst wants for Pearl to instead be looking for some tiny beetle in a temple inside her heart, Iím not seeing the connection right now.
Pearl and Steven was still investing the tiny temple.
"Whoa, check it out!" Steven said, peeking into the the mini temple. "It's even got a little beetle bedroom and little beetle bongos and... is... is that a Gamestation X? I don't even have that!" Steven moved out of the way and Pearl took a peek inside.
"Where's the beetle?" She said, throughly checking the tiny temple. "It's suppose to be here. The Heaven Btle wouldn't leave, would it? Where could it be?"
Well, obviously itís at its day job, since that sort of home must have bills to pay.
"Maybe you should freak out some more." Amethyst directed at Pearl. "That'll really help us find it." Pearl walked towards Amethyst, clearly agaited.
"I can't believe your attitude Amethyst." Pearl said. "And now you're just slouching over here doing nothing."
Yup. Sheís not even interacting with the reason why this fanfic exists. Imagine that.
"Hey..." Amethyst started. "It's not my fault the beetle isn't there. Why do you have to make things worse by barking at me?"
"I don't bark..." Pearl said.
Amethyst accused Pearl of squaking, author. It is fine if you donít want to use the episode transcripts that actually exist out there, but are your ears really this bad at dictation? Or maybe this is just your attempt to pretend this fanfic is being different from the canon.
The two soon started to agrue at one other. To make matters more troublesome, the goat started to make noises as well. All of this noise was getting on Jet's nerves and he knew he had to end it.
Stop it guys, the self-insert canít hear himself think, and you clearly have no right to hash out your issues in his presence instead of paying attention to him. The sooner you realize the title of this fanfic, the better you are all off.
"Enough!" He shouted, make Amethyst and Pearl stop bickering at one another. "You two have been at each other's throats since earlier today..." Jet looked at each of them. The goat continued making noises though. "And would somebody shut that goat up?" As soon as Jet said that, a gaint bird like creature emerged from the water and captured the goat in it's mouth.
'Ah, sweet relief...' Jet thought, as he rubbed his temples.
The goat was bleating because it heard the shriek of the giant bird approaching. In attempting to warn everyone present of the incoming danger, this goat is both a greater hero and more competent member of the Crystal Gems than the mysterious, nitwitted, monster-sensing, amateurish, Gem hunting loser!!
Steven let out a yell and ran to where the others were.
"My son..." He whispered. Jet rubbed his temples even harder. The bird had its claws out, aiming them at the group. Pearl was the first to go on the offensive. She pulled her weapon from her forehead and threw it at the bird. The bird swallowed it and headed right for them.
The goat that was captured in the birdís mouth was of course gored completely as a result.
"In here guys..." Amethyst said, as she started to run inside the inner temple. The others followed after her. The bird tried to get inside but its massive size prevented it from doing so.
"It swallowed my spear!" Pearl said in disbelief.
"Guys, this is great!" Steven said. Jet, Amethyst and Pearl shot him a weird look. "This is the perfect time for you two to form Opal." Steven was grinning ear to ear. Jet moved over to were Steven was and sat down, his legs bothering him.
Oh, and what was that about stamina building you promised Steven a moment ago, you self-absorbed jackass?
Steven sat down as well, waiting in anticipation.
Amethyst and Pearl moved a few feet from each other then they bowed to one another. Their gems started to glow. Amethyst started to dance wildly, while Pearl groaned and started to dance gracefully.
One may be doing the cancan while the other could be doing the robot. Author, listen, Amethyst is shaking her ass while Pearl is doing a pirouette. Why are you so scared of details?
The two eventually moved close enough to where Amethyst grabbed Pearl and their bodies started to glow into a bright light. The bright light started to take form but was instantly disrupted, throwing both Amethyst and Pearl toward the opposite wall.
Itís starting to reek of NOTP in here. Iím suspecting Opal wonít show because the author is intentionally poisoning the waters between Amethyst and Pearl with decisive little details and sour absence thereof from the canon events. Heís not entirely incompetent, heís just a possessive asshole who doesnít want Pearl hogging his purple poontang.
"So, you wanna try that again?" Amethyst asked, agaited. "Just what the heck happened?"
"Well..." Pearl started. "It would've worked, if you're dancing wasn't so tasteless..."
"So, it's my fault?" Amethyst asked, placing a hand on her hip. "You totally wasn't syncing with my dancing. You should know how I dance by now." The two started to argue again and Jet was about to say something until Steven beat him to it.
Why? What was he going to say? What wit, banter, or even doubtful wisdom would he shed upon this progressively author-corrupted moment? Would he be taking a side? Could he help them settle their differences? Was he going to give them dancing tips? Iím being serious. Jet has done nothing to cement what he exactly is bringing to the table to the Crystal Gems. Heís not a leader, heís not convincing as a powerhouse, he doesnít like anything, has no investment, emotional attachment or even a remote sense of desire to be a character that anyone can appreciate. Moments like this one, where he could steal a forgivable second to even propose how heíd act or what he could be towards these characters, be it a pillar or a punching bag, are left denied to him and the readers by the author. This vacuous dickheaded self-insert is the biggest bag of wasted potential and dead air Iíve read in years and itís driving me up the wall!
"Stop!" Steven said, standing up. Jet got up as well and was standing next to Steven. "Please, stop fighting. If you can't get along with each other, I might never get to see your awesome fusion powers..." Suddenly, the group heard a loud screech. "And I may get eating by a gaint bird..." As soon as he said that, a gaint beak crash through the ceiling of the temple and captured both Steven and Jet in it's mouth. The bird swallowed both of them before Jet even had a chance to reaction.
For a mysterious alien hybrid who built himself up with leaping hologram-combat superiority, youíd forgive me for questioning why this passive fucktard even came along.
'This is embrassing!' Jet thought, as they landing towards the bird's outer stomach. Jet brushed himself off and looked around. The inside of the bird's flesh was a bright pink and bones of its victims was scattered everywhere.
What keen observation skills, author. Oh, you might have missed the fact that everything but the floor of the stomach is covered in bubbled gem pieces, but Iím starting to doubt if youíre even paying attention when Amethyst isnít on screen.
Steven was looking around as well until he heard the sound of a goat.
"Steven. Jr!" He said, as he found the goat standing on top of a wore out tire. The goat was chewing on something that was glowing.
"What is that?" Jet thought out loud.
"How can you eat at a time like this..." Steven said as the goat continue to effortlessly chew on the object. Jet took a closer look and notice that the object was shape like a beetle.
"Is that the Heaven Beetle?" He asked, still looking at the object.
If you keep stealing Stevenís lines and observations, while the author restrains you to follow Steven through the canon scenes, Iím going to suspect you of being a 'Fight Club'-style split-personality plot-twist knock-off.
"Let me see." Steven said, as he went to pull it from the goat's mouth. Unfortunately, the goat didn't want to part with the beetle so easily, as it put up a bit of a fight.
Well, what do you know, the goat was a guardian, after all.
"Be a good goat and give...me...the...magic...bug!" Steven grunted as he managed to pull the beetle free from the goat's clenches. "I got it!" Steven put the beetle in his front pocket.
"Great!" Jet said, as he started to draw his weapon from his upper torso. "Now, let's get outta here! I'm sure the others are worried." As soon as he said that, a fist appeared, creeping out both Steven and the goat.
I think Master Hand could at least have waited until the second season before recruiting Steven for the Smash tournament.
Jet didn't know what to make of the situation. A few more fists started to pop up around them.
"What's going on?" Steven asked, nervously. Suddenly, the one of the hands grabbed the goat. "Ah, Steven. Jr!"
"Would you stop calling it that?" Jet asked, weapon still drawn. Before Steven could respond, a hand grabbed him as well, pulling him out of the bird.
And thus Steven was finally born.
"What is going on?" Jet asked, still inside the bird.
You are being written as more helpless than Steven is, as the author canít even have you acting rational, because deviating from the canon will risk your chances of getting laid.
He was grabbed by a pair of hands too. It's grip was soft but firm. He looked to see that a woman with light blue skin pulled him out and as soon as she did, the bird shattered into smaller versions of itself. The woman land on the ground with Jet, the goat, and Steven all in hand. She placed them gently on the ground.
"Opal?" Steven said, looking up at her. She remained silent looking up at the sky where the birds were. Jet looked up as well, they were ready to attack.
But why worry about that risk and lack of time for this sloth to fail to react again, when the author needs to drool over the latest lesbian rock to appear on the screen?
'So, that's Opal huh?' Jet thought, getting a good look at her. She was tall, standing about 3 or so feet over Jet, and she had two gems located on her forehead and chest. She had four arms and her hair was white and pulled back into a ponytail. Her outfit was a long slitted dress and she had purple leggings. Jet wished he could admire her more but the mini birds started to attack.
Yeah, I figured your sharp reflexes would need a full minute to complete an elevator look on a Ďgaintí woman.
Opal grabbed Steven and effortlessly dodged their attacks. She then jumped to where the stairs to the temple and slided down them. Jet was right behind her and was excited that some action was finally happening.
ĒOh boy, people I care about are in danger, but finally something is happening like I want it to!Ē You make Ronaldo a more likeable character by comparison, Jet!
As the two landed on lower ground, the birds were closing in. Opal gently placed Steven on the ground.
"Stay low." She said, as she drew both a whip and a spear from her gems.
"Need help?" Jet asked, as he stood beside her. She nodded then combine her whip and spear into a bow and arrow combination. She took aim at the birds and Jet could feel the aura surrounding her.
There are two ways this imbecileís contribution can take this. Horribly mortifying or bland indifference. His ĎGem Hunterí status has still been only described by its title alone.
'Whoa...' Jet thought, glancing at her. 'She's powerful. I can tell...' Jet then proceed to put his weapon back into his gem. He had a feeling that he wouldn't need it for this. He charged electricity in both his hands, whatever she didn't hit, he would zap.
Opal started to aim her arrow at the birds as they started to zoom in. She waited at the right moment then let an powerful arrow charge towards the birds. The arrow explode and got a good majority of them but there were a few still charging in.
Because the only way the author can make their self-insert fit is by forcing everyone around them to not be as competent as they should be. Please, author, add a different threat. Write a different scenario. Just do something that doesnít present your work as nothing but selfish wish-fulfilment, bluntly presented with zero self-awareness!
Jet smiled then let shot a blast of electricity towards the remaining birds, destroying them. Opal smiled at Jet and Jet found himself blushing.
Fuck you with a Gem destabilizer, you leeching tick. You emptyheaded bastard. You utter putrid, puss-filled boil of a rejected Neanderthal. Unless the author has warped this universe while giving no indication thereof, you just shattered corrupted Gems!! Opal herself bubbled each and every single one of them with her arrow in the canon. This is what I feared. This is what I knew would happen. This author has either no knowledge or no care for what is actually going on, what the Gems are trying to accomplish, or what the show itself is even about. He just wants his imaginary alter ego to hook groins with rocks, steal glory, and punch things to hear the lamentations of his alien waifus!
She then turned around to look at Steven, who was looking at her in amazement.
"Uhh..." He started, as he twiddled his thumbs. "Do... do you know who I am?" Opal giggled at that.
"All you want to do, is see me turn into-" She started to sing.
A better author.
"A gaint woman!" Steven finished. Jet walked up next to them.
"So, you are hot." Jet said, smiling at her.
And I canít wait for the author to hear his first date stating her full summation of him with a pleasantly surprised ďSo, you do own a car.Ē
She returned his smiled. "We should head back. I'm still trying to recover from a headache."
The world shall resume revolving once your majesty has been appeased.
Night fell quickly over the temple and Garnet had a towel over her head, when all of the sudden she heard the warp pad activating.
"We're back!" Steven said, as he stepped of the warp pad. Opal and Jet followed him.
"The Heaven Beetle?" Garnet asked, as she stepped closer to them.
"I don't have it..." Opal said.
ĒIím too busy being the combined efforts of my two parts finally getting some. Fuck that bug.Ē
She then started to morph and soon after, Amethyst and Pearl fell apart.
"Amethyst!" Pearl shouted. "You got distracted!" Amethyst crossed her arms.
"Hey!" She yelled back. "You were the one that was getting carried away!"
ĒIím telling you, those were your hands squeezing your boyfriendís ass.Ē
ďOh, all three of them?Ē
"Wait a second." Steven said, digging through his pockets. "I got the beetle!" He pulled the beetle out to show everyone. Amethyst and Pearl let out a sigh of relief. Garnet took the beetle from Steven.
"Good job, Steven." She said, smiling a bit. She then placed the beetle in a container with the other beetle that she capture. "I also see that you helped those two fuse."
ĒOn a good day, one has to be drunk and the other unconscious before that even happens.Ē
Amethyst and Pearl looked at one another. Jet folded his arms and smiled a little himself. He was glad that they were able to put aside their difference for a brief moment to show him something incredible.
"And all I had to do is get eaten by a gaint bird." He said proudly.
And all Jet had to do was to get a migraine.
"Nice work." She said, as she started to walk away. "You'll be great at fusing one day." Jet eyes widen at that.
"Yeah!" Steven said. Then his eyes widen as well. "I can do that, too?"
'Even half gems can fuse?' Jet thought, looking at his hands. 'I hope the day I have to use that doesn't come. I like relying on my own power...' He then looked at Amethyst, who was heading towards her room. 'But, it might be nice though...'
And I weep for the future when that will happen. Not because I find Jet an abysmal character. Not because I think anyone could deserve better. Not because it somehow offends me on any level that this author would indulge such a plot point. Itís because this author will end up putting less thought and description into his imagination of such an intriguing experience, than could be given a white paper napkin.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Apr 16 2017, 03:59 PM
I'm doing more of Jet's Universe, because out of the two fanfics I'm mocking currently, it happens to be the fanfic I can stomach the most. Let's move on to more canon ripoff, while the author finally puts in an author's note intro. Here's Chapter 5, Coach Steven, Part 1.
Hey, there! This is InsaneGuy here and I hope you folks are enjoying the story thus far. I know the spelling errors are plenty, it's because I don't have Mircosoft Word. I only have Wordpad to work with (and it sucks, lol).
Is that the same excuse you gave your English teacher? Your lack of convenient software doesnít limit you from alternatives, such as a fucking thesaurus, author. Would you skip walking into town if you donít own a Segway?
Please feel free to write me a review. I want to know how I'm doing as a writer. Once Again, the characters do not belong to me and that they belong to rebecca sugar.
If you canít assess your own writing skills, you need to reevaluate your reading skills.
It was night time in Beach City and Jet and the others were getting ready to go on a mission. Garnet didn't say what the mission was but she knew that Jet would go regardless.
He is the gum underneath their shoe, constantly stuck to them yet not worth the effort to get rid of as an ineffectual and benign nuisance.
The five of them got on the warp pad to warp to their desired location.
Jet could never get use to the warping process even though he has done it multiple times already. He always closed his eyes when they warped, as he was now.
Maybe he could finally get used to it, if he bothered to not letting the author dodge the issue of describing a process shown multiple times on the show.
When he opened them, he looked around and it seemed as though they were on the beach but with towers everywhere. Jet looked up to see that there were a beam of light coming off the center tower.
"Whoa!" Steven said, looking up as well. "Where are we?"
Weíre seven entire episodes further along from the previous chapter, skipping stuff like Steven nearly dying through birthday magic, drowning in Dave Guys, going inside Lion, and seeing Pearl gored by her hologram. I guess none of that mattered enough for Jet to even mention, unless it gave him a chance to show off!
"Well-" Amethyst started.
"I'm glad you asked," Pearl said, interrupting. "This was once a communication hub for gem kind, but lately it's begun transmitting burst of electromagnetic interference."
Oh, is that what we are calling Teen Titans Go these days?
Steven shot her a confusing look.
"It's hurting Television..." Garnet said, noticing the look that Steven was giving.
"Oh..." Steven said. "Wait... nooooo... I'll save you television." He started to kick one of the towers to no avail. Amethyst pulled Steven away from the tower.
"Sorry buddy..." She said as she lifted of Steven.
ĒThe writers wonít confirm your super strength until season three.Ē
"But we need a Steven that's this strong for the job..." She morphed into a buffier version of Steven.
No, you must be thinking about the Vampire Slayer crossover fanfic, Bloodstone. I would have made that a joke, if it wasnít already true!
"It's all the me I could be!" Steven said with stars in his eyes. Amethyst gently put Steven on the ground and started (while still morphed as Steven) to punch a nearby tower. She managed to tear a small chunk of the tower off.
"Amethyst." Pearl said, as Amethyst changed back into herself. "We could be here all day taking out each off these pillars individually."
Oh, Iím sure Jet will tell himself any moment now that he could have done it in half the time all by himself, but he canít because heís got a bruise.
Pearl was smiling from ear to ear.
"Ugh." Amethyst said. "I hate it when you're right. You get this look on your face-" She took a glance at Pearl, who was still smiling. "Yeah... that's the one..."
"What we need is a well thought out plan-" Pearl started.
ĒWeíll do a repeat of the Red Eye, but this time Iím going to be riding that purple ball like Miley Cyrus.Ē
"No." Garnet said, interrupting Pearl "What we need is Sugilite. Amethyst...fuse with me."
"What?" Both Amethyst and Pearl said at the same time. Amethyst seemed a little more excited though.
"A fusion between those two, huh?" Jet said, interested in what kind of woman that Amethyst and Garnet would turn out to be.
Hot or not. You donít have to pretend you have anything else on your checklist, Jet.
Steven seemed to be interested as well.
"Yeah!" Amethyst said, grabbing one of Garnet's hands. "Let's mush it up! Bigger! Better!" She started to laugh and skip around.
"Hold your horses!" Steven said, making Amethyst freeze in her place. "Are you guys going be a gem fusion?"
Is that a reasonable question, Steven, or did you suspect Amethystís reaction being because Garnet just offered to go down on her?
Amethyst squealed as a response. Soon after, Steven joined in her squealing as well.
"Wait!" Pearl shouted, causing Amethyst and Steven to stop. "Garnet, think about this. You and Amethyst can be a little...unstable when your personalities combine.
ĒOne moment youíll be robbing banks for booze money, the next youíre blowing it off on that one very open-minded hooker downtown.Ē
We need to be careful, fuse with me instead." Garnet placed a hand on Pearl's shoulder.
"We don't need to be careful," Garnet said, sternly. "We just need to be huge." She started to walk away, with Amethyst following close behind her. Jet turned to look at Pearl and she blushed and turned her head. Things have been a little awkward (just a little) between Jet and Pearl ever since Pearl reformed two weeks ago.
Of course weíre getting a mandatory flashback that somehow ties into the ongoing blush-epidemic surrounding the self-insert. Fine, letís see how you skewered Pearl, you predictable oaf.
Jet was bored so he decided to see what the gang was up to over at the temple. He knocked on the door but didn't receive an answer so he let his self in. He noticed that they were watching T.V. in Steven's room. He folded his arms and sat on the couch. He wasn't interested in what they were watching. If he wanted to watch T.V., he would've stayed at home.
Every moment of self-initiated interaction shows how much of an uncaring, freeloading, antisocial bitch you are, Jet. You tell us you care, that you even want to spend time with the Gems. Then you turn around, invade their home unannounced, and donít give a shit about what they spend their time with, at the precise moment the author finds it convenient to not bother investing details into this story!!
"Hey, Jet!" Steven said, getting Jet's attention. "When did you get here?"
"About 5 minutes ago." Jet said, as the others started to move. "What's going on?"
Whatís going on is that youíre going deaf, since an entire conversation happened less than five feet from you.
"Pearl's gonna show me how to use a sword!" He said, as he started to head to the warp pad.
"Sounds interesting." Jet said, as he got up to follow the others. The group warped to what looked like an abandon arena. Jet looked around in amazement.
"What is this place?" Jet said, still looking around.
"This is an ancient arena." Pearl said, carrying two swords with her. "This is were some of the first battles for Earth took place."
I mean, itís not like we need to know that itís high in the sky, floating on magical clouds, that it should actually not be the same location as the dialogue stolen several seasons from now indicates, and how could we possibly forget the fact, that Steven has no damn reactions to the repeated mentions referring to Homeworld and Gem battles, even before Lapis has showed up!!
Jet nodded and took a sit in the stands of the arena. The others followed and took a seat as well.
"All right." Pearl said. "In order to give a proper demonstration, I'm gonna need a sparring partner." Steven started to raise his hand but Garnet lowered it. "How about you, Jet?"
"Thanks, but no." Jet said, folding his arms. "You're teaching basic stuff. I'm good." Pearl rolled her eyes at that.
If you can stop masturbating on the sidelines for a moment, Jet, how about you make yourself worthy of existing and consider what the word Ďdemonstrationí means.
"Well, no matter." Pearl said. "Luckily, I have the perfect candidate right here..." Her gem started to glow and she created a doppelganger of herself.
"Cool..." Steven said. "Hologram Pearl."
What, should he be impressed? Has the author already forgotten that he has basically made everyone able to produce holograms?
"Do you wish to engage in combat?" Hologram Pearl said, in a monotone voice.
"Let this be the perfect battle." Pearl said, throw the hologram a sword. The hologram grabbed it and took a stance.
ĒRose Quartz was overrated.Ē
ďYou take that back!Ē
"You already made a mistake by challenging me." Hologram Pearl said.
"We shall let our swords decided." Pearl said, taking a stance as well.
"Nerd!" Amethyst yelled out. Jet and Amethyst started to laugh, but Garnet and Steven shushed them. Hologram Pearl and Pearl both stood still until Hologram Pearl made the first move.
It casually palmed Pearl its phone number and told her theyíd see each other later for nondescript pizzas.
"Commencing duel!" Hologram Pearl said, as she lunged at Pearl with great speed. Jet leaned in close, his interesting spiking a little. Pearl was able to block the strike with little effort and created a gust of wind that pushed Steven back a little. The others where effected only a little, with Garnet and Jet's Afro blowing back a little.
I think your vocabulary is faltering a little!
"She has good form..." Jet said, as Pearl and her hologram parried each other strikes.
"Defense ranked S," Hologram Pearl said, as Pearl blocked other strike. "Zero openings detected!"
Did you hear that, Jet? 404, pussy not found!
"Impressive." Jet said. Amethyst looked at Jet and then back at Pearl. She was starting to feel a little jealous for some reason.
"Go, Pearl!" Steven cheered.
"Go, Holo Pearl!" Amethyst said. Pearl shot her a mean look, which distracted her.[/i]
I canít tell, for many obvious reasons, exactly where this author perhaps intends to deviate from the source material. But by now Iím not even certain that he intends to, ever. All of Amethyst and Pearlís exchanges have so far seemed to have their negative impacts exaggerated. Yet, as the apparent mixed infatuation is coming up from Jet, it might just be purely the authorís personal interpretation rather than skewered pairing bias.
Hologram Pearl saw this and manage to swipe the sword away from Pearl.
Holo Pearl said as she lunged her sword towards Pearl. Luckily, Pearl was quick enough to dodge her attack. Pearl grabbed her sword and quickly jabbed it through Hologram Pearl. The jab was so powerful that Hologram Pearl went flying back a few feet before she landing on the ground with a hard thud.
Well, clearly Sugar needs to nerf swords a bit, going by that knock-back.
"Match Set." Hologram Pearl said, sitting up. "Challenger wins! Do you wish to battle again?"
"Pearl!" Steven said, running up to hee "That was so cool!"
ĒWhy, thank you, Steven. Now, what was it again that you mentioned about giving an opponent a bag of tea?Ē
"Yeah, it was!" Jet said, clenching his fist."You should've told me it was that kinda match, I would've accepted it in no time!"
Yeah, how lucky for the author, that you were too stupid to understand what Pearl was about to do, so he could rely on the canon events LIKE ALWAYS!!
Pearl let a light blush form on her face.
"Pearl!" Steven said, getting her attention. "Will you teach me to sword fight like you?" Pearl giggled a little.
"Alright." She said. "But we should start with the basics. Begin phase 1 please."
She says Ďinitiate training modeí, author. What the fuck is Ďphase 2í even supposed to be in this new context? Youíre not accomplishing anything nor fooling anyone by half-assed copying the canon and brainlessly changing a phrase here and there. Itís still the same or worse off by the end. This is as if I copied off Hamlet by writing; ĎTo be, or not to be: huh what?í
when she said that, Holo Pearl stood up.
"Training mode, engaged!" Holo Pearl said, taking a stance. "Level 1 begin!" Jet jumped backwards and took a seat once more, he wanted to see Steven go through the basics of sword training.
If only the author had the same enthusiasm regarding his English classes.
"I want you to stand back Steven and watch me carefully, okay?" Pearl said, pushing him back a little. She took a lighter stance this time and her holo self did the same.
"Parry! Parry! Thrust!" The Holo Pearl said, each time it made a moment.
Even when Iím ready to ridicule your obscene lack of proper descriptive details, your enjoyment-crippling illiteracy defeats any attempt of creativity from me, author.
Steven was watching with stars in his eyes.
"Do you see what I'm doing with my feet, Steven?" Pearl said, as she continue to spar with her holo form. "Notice where I keep my center of gravity." Jet understood what Pearl was talking about, he once had to go through the basics himself.
While I do so immensely enjoy whenever Daffy Fuck here pretends to have a backstory, is he honestly trying to take credit for understanding these simple instructions, as if someone couldnít?
"Aww..." Steven said, losing interest. "Can you show me something cool, like the boomerang blade?" He imitate the move that he seen in the movie he was watching earlier.
Which Jet doesnít question, because he doesnít care that he never saw them.
"Steven." Pearl said, looking at him while she continued to deflect her holo self strikes. "These are real sword techniques, not those silly moves from your movies. It's about waiting carefully for the perfect moment to-"
"Thrust!" Holo Pearl finished, as she pierce through Pearl.
Well, at least it wasnít Jet who did the dirty deed. Nope, he was quite comfortably sitting glued to the sidelines to qualify for his participation trophy. No changes. No description. No details. Even when my predictions turn out wrong, itís still worse than anticipated.
Steven let out a gasp.
"Whoa!" Amethyst said, standing up. Jet and Garnet stood up as well.
"Oh, no!" Garnet said, a look of concern on her face.
And Jet has nothing to add. Why is he here?!
Pearl dropped her sword and looked at the sword that was still piercing through her. She then looked at Steven, who had a look of shock on his face.
"Whoopsie Daisy." Pearl said. "Steven, it's okay. I'm gonna be just-"
"-like a cartoon character and bounce right back from this. I mean, I'm sure plenty of parental figures never actually dies in those silly Disney movies of yours, right?"
Before she could finished, she poof into a cloud of smoke, her gem dropping on the ground.
"Nooo!" Steven shouted, picking up Pearl's gemstone. "Pearl!"
"Challenger defeat!" Holo Pearl said. "Level 1 failed!"
ĒGG, get wrecked, you straight noob.Ē
Amethyst, Jet and Garnet went over to where Steven was. Amethyst was the first to speak.
"Steven, it's gonna be okay." She said, putting a hand on his back. "Pearl's gonna be just fine."
"What do you mean?" Steven asked.
ĒI mean, like this sheíll not be able to complain about you eating ice cream in bed for like a month.Ē
"Sometimes if our bodies are badly damaged, we release our physical forms and retreat to our gems to regenerate." Garnet explained. Steven looked at Pearl's gemstone then back at Garnet.
"So, she gonna be okay?" Steven asked. Garnet nodded her head.
With all her untouched issues considered, I donít think you can classify Pearl as Ďjust fineí or Ďokayí no matter how many times she regenerates.
"Don't worry dude," Jet started, folding his arms. "This kind of stuff happens." He recalled his gem hunting days were he encountered gem monsters that poofed and then regenerated as well.
So, you are able to understand, or at least equate the connection between Gem monsters and regular Gems. Youíve never bubbled any of your marks, however, and as such can only have shattered them to get rid of them. And you are still not seeing the issue yet?!
"So..." Steven said. "How long does it take to regenerate? 2 minutes? 5 minutes?" Garnet, Jet and Amethyst looked at each other but said nothing.
Fuck you, author, you donít even fucking understand the joke being that Pearl takes exceptional long time to regenerate, which only Amethyst and Garnet would know. Jet has literally no place in his own fanfic!
Two weeks later, Pearl returned reformed and sported a new look as well. This time, she was wearing a blue top (with a yellow star on the middle of it) with a blue ribbon on the middle of her torso. She also was wearing short yellow leggings and blue heels. She had the appearance of a ballerina.
Yeah, and we all know how well ballerinas do in heels. What the heck is wrong with your perception of every available reality, author?
Steven was the first to welcome her back with a hug.
"Miss me much?" She said. Jet went up to her and hugged her as well. She let out a gasp when he did.
"Welcome back." Jet said, smiling a little.
"Wow..." Pearl said, blushing a little. "I wasn't expecting you to hug me."
Me neither, what with the literally negative amount of reactions and thoughts he provided for the entire duration of this dilemma!
"Well, I've grown use to all of you." Jet said. "You're like family." Amethyst looked a little jealous when Jet had hugged Pearl but she didn't say anything. She was just glad that Pearl was back as well.
That was it? This was supposed to be the flashback incited by a blush from Pearl and Jet lamenting on things being a bit awkward between them? All of that lead-up meant to explain to us the simple fact that he hugged her after she regenerated? What, is Jet going to retell the ĎLion 2í episode to us, whenever he recalls what kind of coffee he had the morning afterwards?
I'll halt the first part of the chapter here. Despite Sugilite coming up, I honestly feel we all know what's going to happen. Nothing unexpected, canon all the way, and painstakingly drawn out with this crappy Mr. Game & Watch knockoff superimposed on it all. All that matters is how awful it's going to be.
I'm very concerned.
Joined: 3-January 13
Member No.: 787
Apr 24 2017, 01:19 PM
At this rate, I might not even catch up with the author before the story ends. 14 Chapters in total at latest count, with the latest title matching the end of Season 1 of the show itself. If there is one thing I can compliment this author for it would be his dedication, despite the pointlessness of ripping off ninety percent of the canon.
Anyway, we return after having suffered through a flashback taking the focus away from the actual current events, just as Amethyst is about to dive into Garnetís crotch. Because that's fusion for ya. Here's Chapter 5, Coach Steven, Part 2.
Garnet and Amethyst was getting ready to fuse. Jet stood there with his arms folded and waiting to see what's about to happen. Garnet and Amethyst gave each other a short bow and then started to dance, their gems glowing in the process.
"Synchronize." Garnet said, as she continued to dance.
I need to vent this, itís been bothering me to no end. This shit is way past the point of ridiculousness. This author is making the lamest of efforts to produce what he himself called Ďslight changesí to the canon as the fic progresses. He is simply utilizing synonyms or having dialogue happen slightly skewed, where I now have these two obvious examples. Instead of Pearl Ďsquawkingí in the previous chapter, it was Ďbarkingí, removing the correlation of the incoming giant bird. Here, Garnet was supposed to initiate their dance by stating this one word to indicate what the purpose of the dance was, with it now being a random statement after they already began the act. The author is pretending to not rip off the canon, but is failing so miserably in doing so that cohesion is nonexistent, and he comes across as a mentally deficient photocopier.
Pearl started to cover Steven's eyes.
"What?" Steven said, trying to break free from Pearl's grip. "Aw, Pearl! I wanna see!"
'I don't blame her for trying to cover his eyes.' Jet thought, folding his arms. 'This is kinda erotic.'
The word is Ďsensualí, you drooling tool. I did not need to know you were being turned on by a childrenís cartoon, author!
The two finished their dancing and combined with each other.
Your lazy prick couldnít even bother motivate you to describe what was so erotic about their dancing? What even are you?
Jet had to cover his eyes because of the bright light that was shining out. That bright light then turn red as a figure of a giant woman started to form.
Be still my heart, the author is actually capable of spelling improvements. And he has even gone back and updated the previous chapters by now. Thatís more effort than some authors Iíve mocked. Iím only a few paragraphs in and itís been a rollercoaster ride.
"Ah! I forgot how great it is to be me!" The giant woman said, cracking her hands. She had long black hair and was wearing a purple visor to cover her eyes. She still had one showing in the center of her forehead though. She had four arms as well. She was way taller than the rest of them, about 10 or more feet.
Yeah, yeah, whatever, look, does Jetís questionable standards deem her hot or what?
"That's Sugilite?" Steven said, looking up.
"You got it, baby." Sugilite said, smirking at Steven. "Hey, Steven... you wanna see something cool?"
Hey, last I checked, you couldnít do the boomerang blade either, so donít even bother.
"Yeah!" Steven said, eager to see what see was going to do. Sugilite summoned gauntlets then combined them together to make an ever bigger gauntlet. She then combined her whip with it, the misshaped weapon slammed on the ground with such great force that it caused a crater in the ground upon its impact. Steven looked like he was about to past out from the excitement.
"You like that, little man?"
That all depends on what sort of stuff the author is in to, what with this cartoon being erotic to him and all.
Suglite asked, looking at Steven.
"Are you gonna smash stuff with your wrecking ball thingy?" Steven said, pointing to Sugilite's weapon.
"That's the plan!" She said. "Now, where should I started?"
Thereís this black smear thatís been following you around, making minor background noises, has made literally no attempt to help anywhere, name rhymes with analphabet, you literally canít and wonít miss him, either.
"Do that one!" Steven said, pointing to a nearby pillar. Sugilite smirked and in one clean hit, she destroyed the pillar with ease. Pearl knew that Sugilite was about to get out of hand and Jet had a bad feeling about Sugilite's destructive nature.
'She's cocky.' Jet thought, as he continued to watch Sugilite destroy the remaining pillars. 'But she has the power to back it up. I'm afraid that if I say the wrong thing to her, then my life would be forfeit...' He immediately shook that thought away.
Can we get a round of applause for the silent mannequin of this entire scene, whoís too much of a coward to even attempt to appeal to the monster who is half his girlfriend, in order to prevent anyone from getting hurt? A fly on a wall can contribute more than him.
"Steven, we should leave." Pearl said, with a concern look on her face.
"Why? This is awesome!" Steven said. Sugilite hit another pillar, which caused two giant pieces to hurl towards the group. Pearl kicked one away and Jet punched the other.
Alright, Steven is now without the injury that escalates events into the mid-way plot and song of the episode, potentially changing the entire sequence of events. Yeah, right, as if this author could even conceive of deviating from the canon.
"Watch it!" Pearl yelled at Sugilite. "You're just too much!"
"Maybe, you're just too little." Sugilite said, as she continued her effort. Pearl shoot her a mean look.
"Steven, we're leaving." Pearl said, picking up Steven. "Are you coming Jet?"
Are you asking out of concern for the fact that he still canít operate a warp pad, or because heís taking care of a fear-boner right now?
"Might as well," Jet said, heading towards the warp. "I'd be no help here. But what about her?" Jet pointed towards Sugilite. They were standing on the warp pad by now.
"She can find her own way home." Pearl said, and with that they warped back to the temple.
It's been 3 days since Jet and the others left Sugilite to do her bidding and Jet was getting a little concern.
Iím more concerned for this authorís need to narrate everything in half-assed flashbacks, to be honest.
It didn't matter if Sugilite was cocky or not, she was still Amethyst and Garnet. Jet was currently on the beach with Steven, Lars, Sadie, and Greg. Apparently, Steven gotten aspired by Sugilite's strength and he wanted to be strong like her. He convinced Lars and Sadie to start working out with him and Greg was just there to support his son.
And Jet is just hanging around, pretending to be a part of it, despite the numerous times he has offered Steven to be the one to train him. Lars is better at socializing than this turd.
All of them were wearing comfortable clothes, as need for when one exercises. Jet started to some push-ups when he heard Steven yell into a siren.
Itís a megaphone, author. English is my second language and youíre embarrassing me for not knowing that!
Jet was started to get annoyed at Steven's constant yelling and it seems he wasn't the only one. It was good that Steven was trying to motivate everyone, but it seemed fruitless if he wasn't working out himself.
Steven is supposed to be singing and motivating them by pumping them up, author, which might at most annoy Lars, so what the fuck is your deal? You are shitting on the depictions of Stevenís core character aspects, for no discernable reason. Are you honestly just writing Steven as a more obnoxious pest to make your self-insert better by comparison, through passive-aggressively complaining to your readers?
"Hey, Steven." Sadie said, putting her hair into a ponytail. "Maybe...um... you could work out a bit too?"
"Huh?" Steven said, as he lowered the siren. "I have been."
"We've been working out..." Lars said, collapsing from a push-up. "You've just been yelling into that dumb microphone."
You didnít have to be so forward and transcribe the accusations from all of your online team matches, author.
"But, you're doing a great job pumping us up." Greg said, trying to catch his breathe.
"Thanks." Steven said. "But I need to get strong too!" He picked up 2 small tires and covered his lower torso with them, he then picked up 2 more and covered the rest of his body with it. He started to run laps around them and Jet could hear him breathing hard.
'That's gonna tire him out real fast.' Jet thought, then he started to others raised an eyebrow at him.
"Sorry." He said, blushing a bit. "I just thought of something funny."
You see, whatís funny is that the author penciled out half of Stevenís joke about four-wheel drive, making the kidís antics pointless, and then added in Jet making his own lazy pun excuse of a single word association. The author killed comedy and wants us to laugh as he performs taxidermy on its remains.
It was an awkward moment of silence until the sound of rumbling could be heard. Pearl was in the temple and she came outside to see what the rumbling was about. In the distance, there was a gaint figure getting closer to the beach.
I praised this gaint jackass too early, I see.
Steven took off the tires to see what was going on.
"What the hay is that?" Greg said, looking at the figure. The figure landed on the beach and gave off a roar. This roar made Greg, Lars and Sadie make a run for it. Jet got up and noticed that it was Sugilite and she looked ticked off.
"I'm bored!" She yelled.
So am I, even if Jetís comically slow reaction time and poor observation skills are making sloths superior to him.
"It's Sugilite!" Steven shouted, standing next to Jet. Pearl leaped from the temple to the beach and was making her way towards Sugilite.
"You're back." Pearl said, walking close toward her.
"You left me behind!" Sugilite said, pointing a finger at her.
ĒYou had better not been singing while I was gone. You promised me a duet with that one about the Anacondas. Did I miss it?Ē
ďI donít know!!Ē
"We just thought you didn't need any help." Pearl said, with a concern look on her face. "Now, why don't you seperate and we can all relax..."
"No!" Sugilite said, kicking Pearl in this process. Pearl slid back a few feet and Jet went over to make sure she was okay.
"Listen to me." Pearl said, as Jet helped her up. "You've been fused for too long, you're losing yourselves."
ĒWe canít even afford more than fourteen lines from you voice actor. Weíll go bankrupt!Ē
"I am myself." Sugilite said, pointing to herself. "And I'm sick of being split up, so you better get use to me baby! And get this junk off my beach!" She smashed the equipment that Steven's dad had made for them to work out with.
"Why is she wrecking dad's gym?" Steven said, looking concerned. "Why is she attacking you?"
Not now Steven, Mommy and Mommy-mommy are having an argument.
"Steven." Pearl said, picking him up. "Get outta here!" She gently threw him into a nearby ditch, Steven groaning from the impact.
'That was a little harsh.' Jet thought, looking at Pearl.
Shut up. Pearl is protecting her child from the already rampaging monster you saw kick her, while the author canít even care enough about Steven to realize he should not currently be crippled from sore muscles, as this scene is taking place a day in advance!
Pearl drew her weapon looking straight at Sugilite. 'Uh-oh...'
"What?" Sugilite said. "You wanna fight?"
"You'll thank me later!" Pearl said, leaping straight at Sugilite. Sugilite swiped Pearl like a helpless fly and Pearl hit the ground hard. Pearl struggled to get up, her knees shaking a bit. Jet looked up at Sugilite and started to draw his weapon.
"No!" Pearl said, noticing him. "Not yet." Jet nodded at her, understanding that she wanted to do this alone.
No, the author is blatantly forcing Pearl to make this about something that it isnít, so the circumstances will pan out where Jet can show off once she fits into his ego's equation. Iím literally watching the prep work the author makes before masturbating to his self-insert.
Pearl then took another leap at Sugilite, this time, she was able to get close enough to hit her in the face. Apparently, that hit had no effect on Sugilite. All it did was knock off her visor from her face. Pearl looked at her in disbelief.
"You think you're better than me?" Sugilite said, looking at Pearl with five eyes. "You're think you're something?" She then headbutted Pearl. "You..." She then then uppercut Pearl into the air, Pearl groaning from the impact. "Ain't Nothing!" She leap into the air and punched Pearl, sending her flying towards the ground.
And Jet is just content to let all this happen. Hey, fucktard, abiding by someoneís death wish makes you the exact opposite of the friend you pretend to be. Pearl is in over her head and you might as well have been eating popcorn!
Pearl hit the ground hard, leaving a deep crater in the process. Sugilite made her way towards Pearl and she threw a fist towards her. Jet couldn't standby anymore, as he made a dash towards Pearl.
The author finally gave him the signal of a fedora tip, so Jet can make the chapterís first derailment of the canon by acting like a white knight.
Luckily, he made it to Pearl first, as he scooped her in his arms and made a jump out of the crater.
"Thanks..." Pearl said, weakly. Jet gently put Pearl down then looked at Sugilite.
"What?" She said. "You wanna fight, too?" She then threw a punch towards them. Jet summoned his weapon and Pearl noticed that Jet eyes turned a fierce red. He was able to block the punch that Sugilite throw, surprising Sugilite a bit.
"How did you block that?" Pearl said.
Iím going to assume he blocked it with his wishfulfillment-sized dick, because how the fuck are we even to believe the undescribed alternative?
"My power and eyes change depending on my mood," Jet said, not taking his eyes off Sugilite. "Red represents anger... hopefully, it'll never go past that..."
Yeah, it would be outright horrific if you had any other mood than anger and indifference, wouldnít it?
Before Jet could explain more, Sugilite threw another punch. Jet scooped up Pearl again and jumped out of the way.
"She's too strong..." Pearl said. "We can't beat her." Jet was about to say something until he heard Steven speak.
"You guys can win!" He yelled into the speaker. "Don't give up!" Jet smiled and put Pearl gently on the ground.
ĒI think Pearl broke my spine when she tossed me, so Iíll just stay here in the void of the nearby vicinity.Ē
"He's right, you know." Jet said, taking a stance. "Let's do this!" Pearl smiled, feeling a little more confident, took her stance as well. Sugilite walked in front of them, cracking her knuckles.
"You guys want some more?" She said, with a smirk on her face. Jet pointed his weapon at her.
"I don't recall you ever hitting me." He said, feeling a little cocky.
But I recall Sugilite to have a wrecking ball weapon with her. What the heck even happened to that?
Sugilite shot him a nasty look.
"Let's see if we can change that, little man!" Sugilite said, swinging at both of them. They dodged out of the way and ran towards the highest cliff on the beach, the one located right above the temple. As they were running they could here Steven cheering and motivating them alone the way.
They were too busy telepathically communicating their instantly executed strategy to each other, however, to be able to catch any of the actual words.
Jet and Pearl made their way towards the edge of the cliff with Sugilite coming near them. Jet and Pearl leaped off the edge and Sugilite swung her fist towards them. Pearl dodged it but Jet wasn't so lucky. He managed to block most of the impact but it still sent him flying towards the ocean.
Dude, if you rely on the power of angst so much, start channeling your ex or at least make any attempt to attack your opponent, you pathetic stooge.
"Jet!" Pearl said, looking at him then back at Sugilite. She had a smirk on her face. She was standing near the end of the cliff, her weapon now drawn.
"Got that pest outta the way!" She said. "Now, it's your turn!" Pearl (still airborne) didn't say anything and she threw her spear towards the lower part of the cliff, making it crumbling. That crumbling was enough to make Sugilite loose her footing. She fell to the ground, making her weapon fly in the air.
And of course the character Iíve come to empathize with the most in this fanfic has to take a dive, in order for the author to maintain his relentless grip on the canon.
"That's all you got?" She said, as she kneel on the ground. "You think that's enough to beat-" Before she could finished, her own weapon hit her in the head pretty hard, making her poof into a cloud of smoke. When the smoke emerged, Amethyst and Garnet was on the ground.
"Amethyst! Garnet!" Pearl said, running up to them. "Are you okay?"
Itís not that I have a problem about Pearlís immediate concerns, but Jet might finally be dead and I need a confirmed reason to celebrate.
"Yeah..." Garnet said, weakly. "Sugilite just overworked our bodies... it's a little painfully to move..."
"I've got a monster headache..." Amethyst said, weakly as well. Pearl pulled them into a hug, which cause them to scream in pain.
ĒSay it! Say ĎPearl is best gemí! Say it!!Ē
"Whoops, sorry!" Pearl said, letting them go. Steven and the others started to run towards them.
"You guys did it!" Steven said, looking around. "Where's Jet?"
"Right here," Jet said, walking towards them. He was holding his right arm, it looked extremely injured. "Although I was able to block Sugilite's attack, she still managed to break my arm... I'll be fine though. That was an awesome battle! Steven, you make a good coach dude."
Oh, yeah, because you truly seemed to be in need of one, having built up an entire plot of self-depreciation and doubt of your own abilities to which Steven bolstered and convinced you otherwise, right? Oh wait, no, that was supposed to have been Pearl, but thatís not even what the fucking author let happen, either!!
"Really?" He said. Jet nodded his head, but winced in pain. Pearl walked over to Jet to check out his injury.
"It does look pretty bad." She said. "It was sweet of you to help me out back there." Jet smiled and give her a thumbs up with his left hand.
"Pearl," Garnet said, getting their attention. "We've should listen to you... you were right..."
"Yeah, I was right!" Pearl said, placing her hand on her hips. "C'mon! I feel great! Who wants to go on a mission?" Jet, Amethyst, and Garnet let out a groan.
I donít even believe you know how to end anything, author, which is probably the reason you just keep going with this unoriginal and bland premise.
I am constantly getting surprised at how this fanfic switches its tone in handling the canon events and Jetís presence in them. For all I can tell, Jet is slowly stealing the entire show from Steven for himself, undermining the kidís appearances, hogging the spot light, and having every other mention of the boy be complaints. It doesnít help that Jetís contribution adds only insignificant changes by his actions, but, in order to wedge Jet into the story, the author is tearing out vital and interesting story elements that are integral to the understanding, growth, and development of the characters of the series. I weep for the future episode that will be hollowed out and filled out by this doltís ego.
Joined: 14-April 12
From: Charleston South Carolina
Member No.: 631
Apr 24 2017, 10:34 PM
Gotta say. Not really a good starting place for Steven Universe stuff. I wouldn't know half the shit he's making up if you didn't point it out. What a charlatan.
Currently Mocking: Final Fantasy VI: A Retard Tale (Final Fantasy 6)
Finished Mocks: A Step Onto Chronos: The Magical Adventures of
The Shield's Triple Threat: Fic 1: Both of Us, Fic 2: Negotiation Tactics, Fic 3: They Didn't Call Him the Architect for Nothing (WWE)
Chris Benoit's Family Circus: Fic 1: As a Murder Does, Fic 2: Wolverine's Cub, Fic 3: Blank Space (WWE)
High School Sweethearts: Fic of the Year Edition (The Bible [Yes really])
Hitler did a lot of poor things, but at least he wasn't a Holocaust denier.
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