The Second Annual Project AFTER Group Mockery, Garden of EVA Book 1: Sucks Options

[xoxjoanxox]

Just for that, your entire chapter is going to be nothing but editor's notes.

Yeah, sure.

I thought they were fine, you should keep em!

[Al_Cone]

When assembling my crack team of mockers, I knew that I was going to need someone with a special knack for reaming the fuck out of piece of shit fanfics to be my heavy-hitter. Someone with a sense of humor sharper than the sharpest of cheddar. Someone with the word "Tiger" in their screenname. Most importantly, however, I needed another chick, because it was turning into a total sausage-fest and Two-One-Five kept belching the alphabet. Someone had to reign us rowdy bachelors in.

Fortunately, we happen to have somebody with all of those quality attributes right here on this very forum. Longtime PA member and part-time contributor TigerEyes took a break from her busy schedule of having a husband and sipping cognac with Crispin Freeman to perform an unnecessary root canal on Garden of EVA's third chapter. She, as I expected, did not disappoint in the slightest.

But what did I honestly expect? After all, it's not just the eye(s) of the tiger that she has. C'mon, bro. She's got tiger blood.



******

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 1:3 - Championships Suck!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 1:3 - Championships Suck!
Book 1: Sucks

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim
Lazar

This is the most lovingly-crafted disclaimer I’ve ever seen. Either he’s deluded himself into thinking that this fan fiction will stand the test of time as a classic, or he’s hoping beyond hope that Gainax will sue him just so he can meet Anno face-to-face and personally thank him for being so delightfully incomprehensible.

A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that really
sucks.

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
[Insert humorous warning about all the sex, naughty bits (male and
female), bad language, and general suckiness here.]
=======================================================================


"Fine then! I'll just be a paying customer!" Shinji suddenly
announced. He dug into his pocket and produced a couple bills and some
coins. "What'll ten-thousand and..." He counted his coins.
"Three-hundred fifty yen get me?"

That’s what, $130.50? At 50 cents a pop, he could get Rei to be his sex slave for an entire year.

Or a lifetime, seeing as it’s Shinji.

Rei was speechless. She looked back and stared at Shinji's eyes for
several seconds. Tears came to her eyes and she opened her mouth to
speak.

"It'll get you both arrested."

Shinji and Rei turned their heads and saw a police officer standing
beside them.

"Shit."

Police Officer: Just kidding! I’m Rei’s partner in crime. You scoot right back to pimp-daddy, little missy. I wanna have this fine young thang for myself...

"You'll both have to come with me." The young, baby-faced policeman
reached out to grab their wrists.

Shinji's mind was working overtime. He had promised to protect his
sister no matter what, but did that include resisting arrest? <Maybe
this is better for her. She needs professional help. Shit... I've
already failed her.>

Yeah, Shinji, why don’t you just face facts and help your sister realize her dream of being the best prostitute she can be?!

Rei suddenly dropped to her knees and began crying uncontrollably.
"No, please... my mother will move me away for sure now..." <This
usually works on the rookies and this guy looks like a pushover.>

"Move her away"? Who let 4kids in here to censor the death threats?!

"Save it for the judge." The policeman reached down to pull Rei up
off the ground. <Cool! I've always wanted to say that.>

Rei cringed away from the policeman's grasp and cried crocodile
tears.

Crocodile promptly took all the tears out of her body, leaving her a shriveled corpse.

He never mourns for his prey. His prey mourns that they don’t die a quicker death once they see him.

Shinji snapped at the mere hint that he'd be separated from Rei. He
tried to rationalize it by insisting that he had to be close to her to
protect to her, ignoring the fact that his love for her was the real
cause. Suddenly, he pointed down the street away from Rei. "Look it's a
giant purple robot!!"

The policeman looked away,

Police Officer: The Power Rangers?! WHERE?!? Those sons of bitches keep trying to steal my job!

giving Shinji the time he needed. He
grabbed Rei, pulled her to her feet, and ran off dragging the still
stunned Rei behind him.

The policeman shrugged. "I don't see anything. Let's go..." He
trailed off as he saw that the kids were gone. "Shit, not again. That's
the third time this week I've lost suspects because of that giant purple
robot that's been terrorizing Tokyo-3. They really have to catch that
thing." It would be several days before the policeman would realize that
he was repeatedly being tricked, but only after his superior explained
very carefully that giant purple robots did not really exist.

I feel like I need an extra pad-lock for my window now.

And I don’t even live in Tokyo-3.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji dragged Rei down a dark alley hoping to find someplace to
hide.

Luckily, there were gang-raping hobos living in that alley, so Shinji and Rei used their bodies for cover.

Finally, he couldn't run any more and stopped in a dark corner. He
crouched over and tried to catch his breath.

Rei glared at Shinji. "Shinji!! Why did you do that?!"

Shinji looked up at Rei from his stooped position. "Huh? I had to
protect you."

"Do you know what kind of trouble you can get into for resisting
arrest? You should have just let me charm him into letting us go."

Oh yeah, that would have gone down reeeeaal well.

Rei: WWAAAAHHHAHAAAHH!!! *Sniff Sniff* ... *Smile*

Police Officer: *Raises eyebrow*

Rei: Hey, big boy, what’s say you and me ditch this preschooler and you let me make out with your cock in the nearest public park? It’s on me, sugar.

Police Officer: *Tases Rei* Crazy bipolar bitch... If you don’t have any leads as to the whereabouts of those fuckin’ Power Rangers, you can just forget it.

Shinji gulped. He knew he hadn't really thought things through, but
it had seemed the right thing to do at the time. "I'm sorry, I just sort
of reacted without thinking when I thought we might be separated."

Rei smiled slightly as a warm feeling flooded into her heart.
"That's why you did it?"

Shinji nodded.

Rei smiled for the first time that day. "Thank you, Shinji. That's
the first time anyone has committed a felony for me."

But I thought prostitution was a felony when the prostitute is HIV positive. What about all your other “paying customers”, huh?! Don’t they count for anything anymore?!

Shinji smirked. "Anytime, Sis."

Suddenly, a siren echoed down the alley.

Rei looked around nervously. "We'd better get going, Clyde."

"Okay, Bonnie."

Brother and sister ran off into the night, hand in hand.

Skipping and laughing merrily all the way. They were gunned down by civilians who got sick of their shit about 30 seconds later.

-E- -V- -A-

After a long run through the dark streets of Tokyo-3 trying to
avoid being caught, Shinji believed they had lost the policeman for sure
and had led them back to Rei's apartment. "You think we were followed?"
Shinji asked, crouching down in front of Rei's apartment building.

Rei smiled at Shinji's nervousness. "No, I think we're safe now.
The cops don't care enough about prostitution to give chase for too
long."

Yeah, and Rei’s not even black! You crazy kids have nothing to worry about, Shinji.

Shinji was a bit troubled by her statement and her earlier one
about charming the cop, but decided not to mention it. "Are you going to
be okay alone tonight?"

"No, but I can't be with you, can I?"

Shinji reluctantly shook his head. "Rei, you don't need to sell
your body like that."

Rei smiled weakly. "I know... I guess I just couldn't handle seeing
you with Asuka."

Rei: Next time it happens, I might do something REALLY crazy, like accepting the fact that we’re related and moving on with my life.

Shinji: Don‘t you even talk like that!

"I'm not going to date her anymore... at least for a while."

"It's okay, you can. I'll be alright."

"It's not for you... I'm not ready."

Rei sighed and risked looking into Shinji's eyes. "Why do all the
good ones turn out to be taken or your half-brother?"

"Life sucks, that's why."

There are like, 3 billion men on this planet, and you haven‘t even ventured into the world outside your high school yet. You might be throwing in the towel a bit soon...

Rei nodded and turned to walk up the steps to the front door of the
building.

"Good night, Rei." Shinji turned around and took a single step
before he felt Rei grab him from behind and wrap her arms around his
chest.

"Thank you for keeping me from making a big mistake tonight,
Shinji."

"Just don't do it again."

Shinji: I own all the bitches in this town. If you try to go behind my back without giving me my cut, you may wake up one day and discover that your legs and arms are missing and your bed sheets have been painted red. If you know what I mean.

"I won't." Rei took a step towards her apartment building then
stopped and turned around. "Hey, Shinji?"

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to pay for it. Just ask."

Shinji gulped loud enough to wake the dead. "Rei... um... we really
can't do that anymore. I was just trying to keep you from making a huge
mistake with that kind of guy."

Shinji: You really should be more discriminating when you accept your clients. Sure, that guy could give you some money, but it won’t get you very far. Raise your standards, Rei. Go for political leaders, CEOs, or college professors instead!

Rei frowned. She suspected as much, but still couldn't shake her
feelings for him. Recently she had been wishing that her life could be
like one of those hentai mangas where the brother always screwed his
little sister. "I know. But never hurts to ask, does it?"

Shinji was a bit confused. "Um... no, I guess not. Good night, Rei."
He leaned forward and gave her a peck on her cheek.

Rei smiled and put her hand to her cheek and walked inside. She then
spent an hour arguing with her mother about where she had been that late
at night.

Rei: Ugh, stupid mother won’t let me almost become a prostitute and wish my half-brother would ram my ass without reading me the riot act. Oh, Linkin Park, you’re the only one who understands me...

-E- -V- -A-

"Thank you, Shinji." Rei said and pressed her naked body against
Shinji's and gave him a long hug.

Shinji blushed. "Err..."

"Cut that out!" Asuka screamed and stomped across the theater floor
towards the hugging couple.

Asuka: I was running around naked before it was cool, you posers! Don’t you even think about starting a hugging trend before me!

Shinji jumped away from Rei and awkwardly pointed at the
viewpoint... with his finger. He tried to ignore the other part of his
anatomy that was pointing at that moment. "Well, you should thank him.
He's the one who protected her. I don't know if I would've been able
to."

THIS Shinji probably would have just cried about his father while having a whiney, pseudo-existential internal monologue as Rei took the guy out back and gave him a hand job in an alley.

And it would be the most in-character scene in this story yet.

"No.... I don't see any differences between the two of you."

"Well..."

"I agree. For instance, they're both spineless wimps!" Asuka
instead.

"No, they aren't," Rei said softly.

Rei: Without a spine, the limbs of the human body could not function, nor could the human walk upright, which Shinji is clearly doing. Furthermore, the spine is what allows the central nervous system to send commands to -

Asuka: Fuck you, Rei.

Rei: I’m sorry, Asuka, but I am heterosexual by nature, so I must politely decline your generous offer to pleasure me carnally.

"Yes, they are... did you see that jerk run away from me just when
things were getting interesting?"

"He appeared to be more concerned about me than with kissing you."

Asuka recoiled from the suggestion, mostly since it had a ring of
truth to it. "Shut up!"

Asuka is the only one in the world that would take a love interest's desperate attempt to save his half-sister from throwing herself into the belly of the criminal underworld as an insult to her womanhood.

"I don't think I will," Rei said calmly.

Asuka fumed inside at never being able to get a rise out of Rei.
"Hey, Shinji..."

"Yes?"

"Rei here wants to fuck you!"

"What?" Shinji gasped, looking nervously at Rei.

Rei blushed. "You... embarrass me."

Asuka couldn't believe that didn't get more of a reaction from Rei.
"That's the point, you little slut." She turned towards Shinji. "Shinji,
she's just like that other Rei... needing a cock in her to feel
anything. She's just a unfeeling half-breed!"

If you overlook the insults (and the fact that it‘s not hilarious), this is almost exactly like my husband’s running commentary that he superimposes over the characters when we watch romantic comedies and/or Disney movies.

Shinji glared at Asuka. "What is wrong with you, Asuka?!"

"Me? I'm perfect... she's the screwed up one."

"Oh, go screw yourself then." Shinji waved his hand and Asuka
disappeared.

She went to go screw herself.

"I just don't know why she never changes. After all we've
been through, you'd think she'd feel some compassion."

"Maybe she's right."

"Huh?"

"Maybe I am looking for something to fill me up. To make me whole.

"You make me cuuum-plete! You make me cuuum-plete!"

To make me feel."

Shinji grew nervous. "Um... Rei, I like you and all, but I really
don't think..."

Shinji: ...you thought this through. Or that you somehow passed basic math without the figuring out that 1 incomplete heart + 1 incomplete heart = 2 incomplete hearts.

NOT 1 complete heart.

Only you can make yourself whole.

So, don’t worry, Rei. Nobody in the world is able to force you to be a likeable person if you don’t want to be one.

Rei smirked. "Don't worry, Shinji. I don't expect you to do
anything you don't want to. After all, we have all the time in..." She
trailed off as she realized the term 'world' no longer fit. "Eternity, I
guess. That's probably the proper term now... all the time in eternity."

"Time for what?"

"That is for you to decide, isn't it?"

Shinji grew confused. Well, more confused than normal.

Last week, Asuka used honey to paint the words “Eat me!” on her naked abdomen, and underneath was a honey arrow pointing to her vagina.

Shinji still didn’t get it.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji awoke the next morning with a naked girl on top of him.
"Huh?"

I have GOT to stop falling through those worm holes in my sleep. I’m going to just break the space/time continuum in half one of these days, and how will I be able to look Christopher Lloyd in the eye then?!

His eyes focused and he realized that it was Asuka and she wasn't
naked. But he was. "Asuka! What are you doing?!"

"Just making up for you running off on me last night," Asuka said,
as she straddled his legs. Her school skirt was draped over his legs and
her buttocks were resting on his mighty oak and acorns.

Taking the phrase “tree hugger” to a whole new level.

Shinji gulped, but then realized it felt different from the time
Rei had done the same thing. <Ah... she's wearing her panties. That's
what's different.> He looked around the room. "You really shouldn't do
this... what if my parents found out?"

"Who cares?"

"I do."

Shinji: If my parents found out, they’d ground me, and they might not let me move to America after I graduate from high school!

Oh, America...that sweet, sweet land where everyone drives a cool car, gets a hot girlfriend, has awesome superpowers, has lots of cool friends/sidekicks, and never has any parental figures that tell them what to do. Unlike JAPAN. For now, I only have the American cartoons I watch (that portray American life with complete accuracy, of course), like The Simpsons, Ben 10, and My Little Pony, but someday, ALL shall be mine! I shall become the Fred Gallagher of the free world!

She leaned down and gave him a long kiss. After it was done, she
slid off his legs and smiled. "You worry too much, Shinji. Relax and
enjoy the ride."

Shinji watched her depart and sighed. <I could use less twists and
turns on this roller coaster I call my life.> As he dressed, he started
to wonder if he should have given a different answer to his ghostly
twin. When the apparition had appeared to him a week previously, Shinji
said he was happy. At the time, he had thought he could overcome the
problems involved with Rei being his sister, but he wasn't so sure
anymore.

Isn’t this a dream world that SHINJI is imagining?

Even in his own mind, he STILL sucks at life.


-E- -V- -A-

"So how far did you two get last night?" Touji asked Shinji at
lunch.

Shinji had been avoiding these questions all day, but finally gave
in. "Just kissing."


"Come on... Big Red was all over you last night. I bet you you've
at least touched her breast."

"No!"

Chewing gum is well-known for taking things slow.

Touji smiled and looked at Kensuke. "Do you think he did?"

"I believe Shinji."

"Thank you. Come on guys... If I did get anywhere with a girl,
wouldn't I tell you?

"I guess you would."

"So how far did you and Hikari get?"

Oh, high school "relationships", how grateful I am that I didn't touch you with a ten-foot pole...

Touji nervously looked at his girlfriend, who was eating with Asuka
and Rei across the schoolyard. "Um... don't tell her this, but I touched
her... you know... last night."

"Her breast?" Shinji wondered.

"No... you know..."

"Her nipple?" Kensuke guessed.

"No... lower?"

Her penis?

"Her ass?"

"No!"

"The spot right behind her left knee that drives women crazy?"
Kensuke suggested, casually.

Both Touji and Shinji looked oddly at Kensuke for a moment before
Touji spoke. "No, her vagina, you idiots!!"

The trio suddenly looked around to make sure that no one had
overheard Touji's loud outburst, most especially Hikari. Fortunately,
there didn't appear to be a wave of gossip spreading out from them, so
Touji's balls were probably safe from being crushed by Hikari. For this
incident at least.

Why are these two a couple, again?

Kensuke was confused because Misato had responded quite well when
he had touched hers. "How could she not know that?"

"Idiot! She knows I touched it--she was screaming in ecstasy at my
touch--but she would kill me if she knew I told you!"

Shinji and Kensuke exchanged knowing glances that had
'carpet-bagged' written all over them.

Those fucking northerners, trying to steal all our jobs. I’ll bet Touji even supports freeing the slaves!

"Since you two have yet to have the pleasure of the sensation, let
me tell you all the juicy details."

Shinji and Kensuke tried to sound interested in Touji's detailed
description, but since they had more firsthand knowledge than Touji
about that particular female body part, they found Touji's half-hour
lecture on his one minute of feeling up Hikari a bit boring.

-E- -V- -A-

"I barely felt him touch it," Hikari said as she finished her
description.

It’s funny, because men.

"Hmmm, I bet Shinji is better," Asuka gloated.

"He is," Rei said absently. When Asuka and Hikari glared at her she
quickly added, "I mean... I'm sure he is. After that description you
gave of his kissing, he sounds pretty good." It had been hard for Rei to
keep herself from bursting into tears every time Asuka mentioned their
date and everything that happened last night.

Rei: And I’ll bet that when he cums, he laughs and then immediately falls unconscious and sleeps for 5 hours until he wakes up in tears, screaming about his father. ...Not that I would know or anything! *Sobs*

"Oh. Well, he is a good kisser... but so awkward. He even ran off
last night when we were still having fun kissing."

Rei nodded, trying not to show any emotion. She wasn't entirely
successful, but the other girls didn't notice.

"Say, Rei? Do you have a boyfriend yet?" Hikari asked.

Rei flinched, then shook her head. "No. I'm still getting over a
bad breakup." She paused, then quickly added a lie to cover up who it
was. "Down in Osaka-2." Sadly, even the cover up was partially true.
Although under vastly different circumstances and not the breakup she
was speaking of, her breakup with Hasamoto was very bad as well.

"That was a long time ago. Maybe I could fix you up with Kensuke."

Are the people in their little circle of friends the only people they know in the WORLD, or do they just really hate Rei that much?

Asuka laughed. "Kensuke? He's still playing war games. It'll be a
while before he's ready to date a girl."

"Thanks for the thought, Hikari, but I'm not ready."

-E- -V- -A-

After school, Kensuke leaned against a wall near the train station.
"Hey, baby... Want to have tea with me?"

The young woman stopped and stared at Kensuke in his leisure suit.
"Aren't you a little young to be picking up women at train stations?"

"Young and full of energy, baby."

"Does your mother know you do this?"

Kensuke: Whatever keeps me out of the house for a few hours is A-OK with her!

Kensuke went into his 'sad boy' routine that he'd found helped
break the ice. "She died giving birth to me."

The woman gasped. "Oh, you poor boy." She pulled him into a hug and
comforted him. "You must have had a hard time growing up."

This woman is overly affectionate because she also died giving birth to all 3 of her children.

Or at least, that’s what her ex-husband told her.

"It wasn't easy." His hands started to roam.

"Maybe... Eeepp!" The woman suddenly pushed Kensuke away and bashed
him over the head with her purse. "Pervert!" She stormed off, thinking
that the little perverted boy reminded her of her late husband. <Oh, how
I miss you, my dear Ataru.> Suddenly, a smile formed on her faces.

Her ex-husband also died giving birth to their 3 children. She grew an extra face to compensate for her abject loneliness.

"Damn, almost had one there." Kensuke strolled away, constantly on
the look out for older women.

"Excuse me."

Kensuke looked around to see the woman he had just groped standing
there.

"I'm Shinobu, care to have some tea with me?" She cocked her head
to the side.

Kensuke nodded emphatically. <Bingo!>

They sat together in a tea shop for 5 hours, the woman sobbing about how tragic it is to die from childbirth, and how she hoped she would never have to do it again.

-E- -V- -A-

A week later, Shinji awoke with Asuka on top of him. Again. "Asuka,
will you please stop waking me up this way?!"

"No... it's fun. And until you decide to take me out again, I'm
going to keep waking you up this way."

"I told you over and over... I can't date you right now."

"Well, too bad... you sucked my nipple, so you're stuck with me!"

Shinji sighed, knowing he couldn't win this argument, since he'd
been unable to dissuade her for the past week. <Sucking a nipple is
hardly a marriage proposal.>

Welcome to high school.

Like he did every morning for the past week, he pushed Asuka gently
to get her off his lap. He stopped suddenly as his hand didn't feel what
it normally did. Namely, cloth. He finally bothered to look at Asuka and
saw that she was really naked this time. "Wh... why are you naked?!"

"Well, since I couldn't give you your birthday present last night
at the party with the gang there, I thought I'd give it to you now. You
seem to be enjoying it." She nodded down towards his hand, which was
still resting on her breast from when he had tried to push her off.

"Ack!!" Shinji withdrew his hand suddenly.

So, he’s cool with groping her breast, so long as she’s not naked.

Maybe he’s under the impression that if he touches a naked girl, he’ll get her pregnant automatically...?

Asuka smiled devilishly. "Come on, Shinji, this is your birthday
present." In a tempting invitation, she spread her arms wide.

"What?"

"You can fondle anything on this gorgeous body of mine you want."
She gave him a sultry look and winked. "Anything." She nodded down
towards her pubic region, which was resting on top of Shinji's lower
stomach.

“...Anything?” Shinji asked, looking up at her with a small smile on his face.

“Anything,” Asuka repeated, her long hair flowing over her shoulders as her lips inched toward his mouth.

Shinji lifted up the pointer finger of his right hand, and stuck it up her left nostril. “I’ve always wanted to do this...”

"Why would I..." Shinji trailed off, quickly slid out from under
her, and stumbled to his feet making sure to face away from Asuka to
hide something that had suddenly risen to the occasion. He found his
shorts, slipped them on, and walked towards his door. "Asuka, just get
dressed and quit pressuring me!" As he made his way to the bathroom, he
muttered, "Birthdays suck."

Asuka frowned as she watched him disappear out the door. "What a
grouch." She slipped off the bed. <I thought for sure that this would
get more of a rise from him. At least from his dick, but not even a
twitch. I wonder if he's gay?> She thought about this for a few seconds.

Even if he was, you have no competition, since Touji is taken and Kensuke is too busy having flings to notice. Those are like, the only guys in the world, right?

"No, that's ridiculous. I'll just have to give him a little more direct
stimulation next time." She held her hand in a cup shape and then
squeezed several times. "That'll work for sure."

I would tell her about directly stimulating the acupoint Ren 1, but she would probably just misuse it to kill Shinji.

...

REN 1 ALL THE WAY, ASUKA!

She started to leave
the room, but then remembered that she was still naked. "Oops." She
turned around and began to dress.

-E- -V- -A-

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition:
championship n. 1 contest to decide the champion 2 position of champion

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st
edition:
championship n. 1 contest to decide who gets to fuck Shinji first 2
Asuka on top

The fuck...?

-E- -V- -A-

The gang sat on a train headed south towards Osaka-2. Asuka and
Shinji were sitting together. Shinji was constantly having to avoid
Asuka's attempts to kiss, cuddle, hug, fondle, fold, spindle, or
mutilate him. Usually in that order.

It ain’t young love unless there’s a need for someone to get a restraining order.

Hikari and Touji sat across from them and alternated their
attention between watching Shinji and Asuka's little awkward
relationship, the scenery outside the window, and going repeatedly to
the restroom to neck.

Rei and Kensuke sat together. Rei spent most of the time staring
out the window and trying to ignore Asuka and Shinji. Kensuke spent most
of the time trying to look down Rei's low cut blouse without looking
like he was trying to look.

Rei: I see you’re looking at my shirt. Do you like the color?

Kensuke: UH...! Yeah. Yes, I do like the color. And what material is that, if I may ask? Oh, it looks so smooth. May I touch it?

Rei: You may.

Kensuke: *Starts feeling her breasts* Oh yes, very smooth. And it looks very comfortable. Is this cotton?

Rei: Yes. I always buy shirts made from 100% cotton. I like the feel on my skin. If you’d like, I can go back to the store to see if they have one in your size. I’m sure they’ll have the same color you like.

Kensuke: *Still fondling her breasts* Oh yes, I would really appreciate that.

Misato suddenly stormed up to the little group. "We're almost
there. I don't know why the principal forced me to babysit you brats on
this little trip to play kiddie games, but you'd better all behave
yourselves or you'll all have detention for the rest of your life."

Rei knew why. She still couldn't believe her mother and grandmother
had only allowed her to go on this trip after they had 'arranged' for
Misato to babysit them. She might have normally cursed her mother and
grandmother using their connections to do stuff like this, but in this
case, she was happy to be able to get away with the gang. And Shinji, of
course. Unfortunately, every time she saw him and Asuka together a part
of her died inside, so she had mixed feelings about the trip.

So...this isn’t a school trip, and Rei’s family is using their connections to detain Misato on her own time, presumably without pay?

And Misato is going along with it? Is this really the same teacher who thinks that showing her homemade sex tape to the class is the same thing as teaching them biology?

"As the leader of this group of morons, I promise you we'll
behave," Hikari said, glaring directly at Touji.

Touji took affront to the implied accusation. "What're you looking
at me for?!"

Hikari rolled her eyes. "Guess."

"You had better behave, Touji. I still haven't forgiven you for
spreading all those rumors about that man and me. Who is only a friend
if you happen to talk to any reporters... which you shouldn't."

Misato: Yes...a friend who just so happens to be in a position of power that allows me to keep my job...

Touji snapped to attention. "I'll behave, Misato!"

Misato glared at Touji. "Is that any way to talk to your teacher?!"

Touji gulped. "No, Ms. Katsuragi!!"

Misato patted Touji's head. "Good boy." In the process, she had
leaned over and given Touji a clear view of her ample cleavage.

Hikari looked at her boyfriend and frowned. She leaned in and
whispered into his ear. "At ease, soldier."

"Huh?"

"Cover your lap, you horny jerk."

Touji blushed and quickly covered his lap to hide his reaction to
Misato's cleavage.

Then Hikari asked Touji if he would like anything to drink, and he jizzed in his pants.

Misato leaned over and spoke to Shinji. "Shinji, now I know you and
Asuka are dating, but please don't get into trouble. The hotel rooms are
not for anything except sleeping, got it?"

Shinji flinched. News and rumors about his date with Asuka had
gotten out of hand at school. By the end of the week, everyone at school
was convinced that they were having sex, Asuka was pregnant, and that
they were planning to get married. Despite his protests, no one would
believe him. Except the gang, but even Hikari, Touji, Kensuke had their
doubts about them not having sex. Asuka, of course, knew they hadn't,
but seemed to enjoy not answering questions about it directly, which
helped fan the flames. And Rei... Shinji looked back at her, but she was
still staring vacantly out the window.

That’s high school for ya.

Actually, I first started hearing those sorts of rumors in elementary school, but whatever.

"Shinji! Did you hear me?!"

Shinji snapped to attention. "Yes, Ms. Katsuragi! I'm sorry... rest
assured I will not be doing anything with Asuka on this trip."

"Hey!!" Asuka cried out.

"You'd better behave yourself too, Asuka. I've lost too many
boyfriends to redheads to be fooled by your protests of innocence.

WHAT protests of innocence?! Asuka would like nothing more than for Shinji to take her in the bathroom and fuck her up the pooper while she bends over the crapper, and everyone knows it!

Just watch it..." Misato looked around at everyone, but made a point to cast
a particularly nasty glare at Kensuke. "That goes for all of you.
Behave yourselves!"

"Yes, Ma'am!"

-E- -V- -A-

After they settled into the hotel, the three boys relaxed in their
room. Misato had insisted on keeping a close eye on Asuka so they shared
a room, while Rei and Hikari shared the third room that the gang had
been assigned for the Eva Championship Tournament.

So THAT’S what this little trip is for. I still hope that this trip isn’t sanctioned by the school, or I may have to punch through a wall.

"What do you think is bugging Misato, lately?" Shinji asked,
staring at the ceiling.

Touji, being Touji, said something vile. "Well, she's been cranky
for a number of weeks, so it's not that time of the month."

"I think she's in love, but it's a forbidden love," Kensuke
commented casually.

"What... like a student? Get real." Touji started to laugh.

"Hey, it could happen!!" Kensuke blurted then calmed down. "Or
maybe just some other boyfriend trouble."

Like the fact that no one wants to be her boyfriend outside of the bedroom a public park.

"Well, there is that guy I saw her with in the park. Rumor is he's
running for some political office."

"Mayor."

Shinji and Touji looked over at Kensuke. "How do you know that?"
Shinji asked.

"Um... I... saw it on the news."

"You watch the news?! What a dork... Well, with you like that and
Shinji running away from Big Red like Ranma from Shampoo, I'll be the
first to lose my virginity."

Why do you even have a girlfriend? All you want is sex. Just follow Kensuke’s lead and pick up brain-damaged chicks.

Both Kensuke and Shinji turned their heads away from Touji to hide
the smiles that appeared on their face.

Touji just went on with his boasting, oblivious to Shinji and
Kensuke having beaten him to the cherry.

Long ago...

Man: *Eating cherries* This fruit is as sweet as a virgin’s genitals!

Woman: Aaaaaand I‘m not hungry anymore.

Man: More for me!

-E- -V- -A-

"Are you going to let Touji do it finally?" Asuka asked as she
unpacked her bag in her room while Hikari watched.

Hikari blushed at Asuka's question. "Maybe."

Asuka's jaw dropped, since she had only been teasing. "What?!
You're really going to let him do it?"

Hikari nodded. "Probably. As long as he behaves himself during the
trip."

Oh, my mistake, Touji already IS going after brain-damaged chicks.

Asuka relaxed. "Oh, then I guess he won't be getting any on this
trip."

Hikari frowned. "Hey, it's not nice to assume my boyfriend will do
something stupid."

Asuka raised her eyebrow in a silent question.

Hikari couldn't hold in the laugh that erupted from her throat.
"Yeah, maybe it is a long shot. But he really does have a sweet and
tender side to him."

"Is his butt that nice

Smooth as a baby’s bottom.

A baby who jizzes in his pants at the push of a button.

"Yes," Hikari answered without thinking. Suddenly she blushed.
"Asuka!"

"Don't worry about it, girlfriend, I've touched Shinji's butt too."

"What's the story on you two anyway?"

Asuka frowned. "To tell you the truth, I don't know. We've known
each other our whole lives and I always thought of him as a friend.
Well... maybe more than that lately. He's so damn cute."

Hikari smiled. "Not as cute as my Touji."

Hikari: He’s so cute, that I’ve decided that if I can’t have him...no one will. So, do YOU think Touji is cute, Asuka?

Asuka: Uh...

Asuka shrugged. "To each her own. Anyway, a few weeks ago he got
very aggressive and we made out in his bedroom. I was so stunned when he
sucked my nip..."

Hikari's face fell. "Your nipple?" Asuka nodded. "He got that far
before you even had your first date? Wow."

"Well, that's were I drew the line... but I never knew he had it in
him. To suck my nipple like that was so..." Asuka trailed off and
smiled.

Hikari nodded. "I know the feeling, but even Touji didn't try to
suck my nipples for quite some time. Lots of wandering hands, of
course."

His hands weren’t wandering. They knew exactly where they were going.

-E- -V- -A-

Back in Tokyo-3, Shinji's mom answered the door to their apartment.
"Yes?"

The policeman in the doorway bowed slightly. "Good evening, Ma'am.
Do you recognize either of these kids?" He held out two photos for her
to see. Rei's photo looked like a mug shot and Shinji's looked to be
from his school yearbook.

Yui gasped. "Um... that's my son and his... friend Rei. Are they all
right? Did something happen?"

"They are fine as far as I know, but I think we need to talk,
Ma'am." Inside the young policeman cheered. <Yes, finally tracked down
those two brats. Now the chief won't be able to fire me.>

Police Officer: I WILL prove the existence of those fucking Power Rangers once and for all, and those kids will lead me right to them! Bwahahahahaha!

A sinking feeling hit Yui as she let the policeman in. "Gendou!
Get your butt out here!"

-E- -V- -A-

Round one.

The red Eva Unit Two stormed across the field and sliced the blue
Eva in half with a large, spear-like sword. "First blood... One down!"
Asuka called out, spinning the sword around in an elaborate and
completely self-centered attempt to be noticed.

Unlike every other gesture she’s made throughout her entire life.

"Nice one, keep your eyes peeled for Angels as we hack these
Masturbating Bastards into tiny little pieces," Hikari instructed as she
traded sword blows with an enemy Eva.

"Got it." Asuka checked her tactical map and lumbered across the
battlefield to a spot where there were three enemy Evas in close
proximity. As she approached, she noticed the situation. "Kensuke, seven
o'clock!!"

Kensuke: Roger. What should I do until then?


I could be reading Calvin and Hobbes instead of this...

Kensuke ducked his red Unit Ten down and spun at the same time. He
extended his arm blades as he spun, slicing first into the blue Eva he
had been grappling with and then into the blue Eva that was sneaking up
behind him. "Two more down!"

"Nice move, Ken-baby!" Asuka leapt over Kensuke and started to
grapple with the sole remaining enemy Eva in the immediate area. "These
guys are pathetic."

They employed the sex cheat code and raped their enemies until they were raw, solidifying their victory against the battered middle school team.

While Asuka had taken on the enemy Eva, Kensuke had to battle with
two hovering angels that had suddenly appeared. He was able to keep them
at arm's length using his arm blades, but couldn't get the killing
stroke in. "Tell me about it. Who would try to attack my Unit Ten from
the back? Its strength is defending its backside." He finally managed to
embed one of his arm blades into one Angel's stomach and he sliced
upwards and gutted the Angel. Body pieces flew everywhere.

"Well, any ideas on how to get through this Masturbating Bastard's
AT Field?"

Take away all the tissues?

Kensuke was fighting off the other Angel now and responded quickly.
"Unit Sixteen has a field overlap where the legs meet his hips."

Asuka smiled. "In other words, his groin."

"Yup."

"Thanks, Kensuke!" Asuka punched the Eva she was fighting in the
face and then reached for her progressive knife. In one swift motion,
she withdrew it from it's sheathe and thrust it into the blue Eva's
groin. Its AT Field collapsed and Asuka sliced upwards with the knife,
quickly disemboweling her opponent. "A fitting end for a Masturbating
Bastard like you." She chuckled, but then suddenly swore when her energy
alarm went of. "Shit! Kensuke, he's going to blow!!"

Asuka: And he’s not even wearing a condom! I’m too young to get pregnant!

Kensuke turned his head away from his opponent for a second just as
the Eva Asuka had gutted exploded. He and the Angel were blasted across
the battlefield along with bits of Asuka's Unit Two. His displays
flickered and died. "Shit."

He scrambled out of his entry plug and saw Asuka doing the same.
"Damn, there's still four more Evas to take care of."

Asuka nodded. "I think I saw Hikari take one out before we were
blown up. Let's get to the displays outside and see how the others are
doing."

The two teenagers ran out to the displays outside and spotted Rei.
"You bought it too, Rei?"

Rei nodded slowly. "Yes, sorry guys... I messed up."

Rei: I should’ve known better than to start raping them while they were still alive...

"If only we could return to the game..." Kensuke muttered.

"Not in tournament play... but at least it's three on three now."
Asuka pointed at the display, which showed that Hikari had in fact
killed another Eva unit. The teams in the championship tournament had
anywhere from five to eight players. If a team had less than eight
players, they could use drone Evas as substitutes, but they usually
didn't last long.

"I felt like a drone in there... getting killed so soon," Rei said,
looking sadly at the ground.

Asuka patted Rei on her back.

Asuka: You have only yourself to blame. You ARE wearing a red shirt, after all.

"Don't worry about it... this is only
the first game, you'll get back into your stride. You are our best Eva
pilot after all."

Rei gasped at hearing the admission from Asuka. "Um... thank you."

"But don't let it go to your head... I'll get better and better and
put you to shame, girlfriend."

Rei smiled and gave Asuka a quick hug. "Thank you."

The hug caused Asuka to blush, but she figured Rei needed a little
boost to get over whatever had been bothering her lately so she didn't
mention anything.

She figured that the groping was part of the healing process as well.

"Damn... Shinji's fallen into a nest of Angels."

Asuka looked up at the display screen. "Damn, what kind of sick
programmer would have slaughtering baby Angels as part of a game?"

Rei flinched. <My grandmother, that's who.> She looked sadly at the
cute little yellow Angels that had tails shaped like lightning bolts. <I
wonder what she has against that poor little creature that she would
include that massacre as part of the game?>

She died giving birth to them, and got a little pissed about it.

On the screen, they could see Shinji dealing with the baby Angels,
but it was preventing him from helping Hikari and Touji who were
surrounded by the last three enemy Evas.

Asuka flinched when she saw one of Shinji's arms ripped off. "We
may not win this one."

"Shinji will do it. I know he will," Rei said softly.

Rei: As long as he stays focused and doesn’t try to rape the enemies before they’re dead, he should be...never mind.

-E- -V- -A-

Hikari hacked an arm off one of her attackers, but it regenerated
into a human arm in seconds. "Shit, I hate the models with S2 engines
built in." She traded more blows with her attacker, trying to see if
Touji was having any luck with the two he was locked between. "Touji?"

"Just handle that one. I'll get these two... somehow." Touji's tone
of voice didn't reassure Hikari.

"Okay, Slick." Hikari tried to find an opening in her opponent's
defense, but couldn't find any. <Unlike his teammates, this Masturbating
Bastard's good, dammit.>

Hikari was trying a new strategy of pretending to let her opponents rape HER, before chopping their balls off. She didn’t calculate that she might enjoy it.

The little dance went on, Touji managed to keep the two attacking
him from killing him, but couldn't take out either of his opponents
without the other killing him afterwards. Hikari chopped various pieces
of her attacker off, only to have them regenerate and hadn't been able
to get to its S2 engine yet.

Suddenly, Touji's proximity alarm went off. "Shit." He looked up
into the sky to see a large flat Angel falling from the sky. "Extend
your AT field, Hikari!!"

Hikari looked up just before the Angel hit the ground and exploded.

She walked out of her booth, slipping her phone number into her opponent’s back pocket on the way out.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka gasped at the screen showing the explosion and flying Eva
parts. "Shit..."

Rei wrung her hands. "Did it kill all the Evas? Since Shinji's
still alive..."

Kensuke looked closely at the display. "I think everyone in the
area was... Damn, one of the blue team is still alive."

"God-damned Masturbating Bastard!" Asuka shouted, earning some
stares from the crowd watching the tournament. Asuka glared at them.
"Hey, it's their god-dammed team name!! So mind your own business,
assholes!!"

Random Person in Crowd: I'm getting sick and tired of your German mouthing off!

-E- -V- -A-

"Pika... pika... pika..."

Shinji sliced the last of the sickening cute Angel babies in half
and it exploded making a long 'chooooo' sound.

Oh, they were demonic Pikachus. That’s OK, then. Please, continue with the killing.

Before Shinji could look
around the battlefield, he was tackled from behind.

The two Evas tumbled across the battlefield locked in a tight
embrace. In the process, Shinji lost the sword he had used to hack the
Angel babies.

"Shit," Shinji gasped. <Damn, I forget... What is Unit Thirteen's
weakness?> He continued to fend off the attacks of the blue Eva while he
tried to recall the best way to defeat this model. He managed to break
his enemy's hold on his arm and did a couple of back flips--not a easy
task with only one arm--to gain some time and distance while he worked
out a plan.

A quick glance at his display showed Shinji that this Eva and him

were the only two players left. <Well, that means it's all up to me.> As
he ran around a mushroom shaped building with the blue Eva in hot
pursuit, he looked around desperately for a weapon to use.

Luckily, he comes equipped with a certain tree, just in case of emergency!

-E- -V- -A-

The four in the theater sat on the floor and watched the match on
the viewpoint intensely.

"Damn, looks like the so-called mighty Third Child's going to lose
it in the first round," Asuka muttered, between gulps of popcorn.

"No, he isn't." Rei said softly.

Shinji's hand was clenched shut tightly as he tried to will his
other self to win. "Come on... you can do it."

"You're taking this way too seriously, Shinji. It's not real."

"Maybe, but for now it is... and they all need this win to have
some happiness. Even if it doesn't last..."

Again, isn’t this in Shinji’s mind? If he’s THIS aware of it, you’d think he would at least TRY to control it...

"It will, Shinji, somehow it will turn out okay," Misato insisted,
placing a gentle hand on Shinji's shoulder.

"You are all clueless!" Asuka shouted. "That world sucks... I know
it... Misato USED to know it, but now she's become such a mother and has
lost touch with reality... and Rei... well Rei is blinded by her lust
for Shinji."

Shinji didn't even hesitate. "Just stop it, Asuka! Reality sucks
and this is all we have left now."

That is ridiculous. YOU’RE ridiculous.

If you were this invested in making your actual life better, it would become better so fast that you would get whiplash.

Asuka glared at him. "Is it really? Or have you just stopped
caring?"

"Caring about what?"

"Living."

Didn’t he already show you his opinion on life when he ENDED IT FOR THE ENTIRE WORLD?!

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji thrust the knife into the base of his opponent's neck and
drove it as deep as it could, and then some. After a quick twist of the
knife, the head fell apart, blood gushed everywhere, and the headless
corpse crashed to the ground. Shinji looked around for anything else to
kill, before remembering that that had been the last one.

That was confirmed a second later when his display exploded with
fireworks and a message indicating that the Dark Eva Knights had won the
match scrolled across the display. Shinji allowed himself to relax.
"That was too close." He opened his entry plug. Before he could step
out, he was dragged out and tortured as five people hugged the stuffing
out of him.

Now see, how hard would this have been to do in your REAL life, Shinji? NOT THAT FUCKING HARD.

"Nice job, Shinji!!"

"Way to go, pal!"

"Nice move at the end!"

"You were wonderful! Such a stallion!"

"What a stud!" Asuka's praise was followed by a long kiss.

Shinji blushed and avoided eye contact with everyone else after the
kiss ended. "Thanks, but you shouldn't kiss me in public like that."

"Oh, who cares! We're all friends here! Okay, let's go celebrate
the first win of many for the Dark Eva Knights!!"

Their celebrations were cut short however, as they received a “Cease and Desist” letter from Bruce Wayne’s attorneys in the middle of dinner.

-E- -V- -A-

A group of seven boys and one girl watched the gang walk out of the
Eva center. "Are you sure they're the team to beat? They looked a little
rough in there."

A tall, skinny boy nodded. "I'm sure. With her on their team, they
will get to the final round. And I'm not sure we can beat them with her
there."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because I know that girl... she's good. On the battlefield and in
bed."

Boy: And this game involves both.

"So what'll we do, Hasamoto?"

"We make sure she can't play with them anymore." Hasamoto cracked
his knuckles.


[End - Garden of EVA 1:3 - Championships Suck!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:


Enter the evil villain. Or maybe he's a misunderstood youth. Or just a
huge bastard that should be sliced and diced for daring to hurt Rei.

Police Officer: Or maybe he’s one of those fucking Power Rangers in disguise!

Time will tell.

Did you thought that running away from the cop would solve their problem
that easily? Haven't you been paying attention? Their world sucks.

AH HA ha ha ha ha ha, oh wait, you’re serious.

I'd like to thank my pre-readers Johan Holmberg, Michael Liebenow, Axel
Terizaki, EBJ, and Thomas C. Kinnen for helping me find and fix problems
with this story. FFML members Michael A. Chase, EeL, David Smith, Ravi
Duvvuri, and Chris Davies were also helpful in fine tuning this story.
Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters
are my fault.

No question. But at least he’s honest about it.

Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (June 1, 1999)
Revision 0.1 - Pre-reader draft (June 20, 1999)
Revision 0.2 - FFML draft (July 1, 1999)
Revision 1.0 - Final version (July 2

[Al_Cone]

Whoops, looks like that one juuuuust barely broke the post size limit.

You really didn't miss anything though, folks.

[Dr. O]

That was great. Those fucking Power Rangers!

It's a good thing, too, because the fanfic itself was even worse than my contribution. I almost want to take a look at Book 2, to see just how batshit insane this gets.

[oneluckyduck]

Excellent mock, Tiger! I was estatic when I saw you were next, and you mocked up to expectations! *laugh*

[Pamachu]

As everyone else has said, this is a first-rate takedown of a puerile little crap-fic. I remember when Garden of Eva first hit the fanfiction scene, and so many people I communicated with online went temporally insane and started singing its praises. I thought they were all taking crazy pills. But I knew. I knew.

And now I have confirmation. Well, that, and a few big belly laughs. Keep it up!

[Dr. O]

Do you still know where to find some of that praise? It sounds like it would be worth a laugh.

And is there any chance of you doing an audiobook of Garden of Eva once you're finished with DELTA Invasion? (Sorry. I've been following your blog for a while and had to ask.)

[Pamachu]

As everyone else has said, this is a first-rate takedown of a puerile little crap-fic.  I remember when Garden of Eva first hit the fanfiction scene, and so many people I communicated with online went temporally insane and started singing its praises.  I thought they were all taking crazy pills.  But I knew.  I knew.

And now I have confirmation.  Well, that, and a few big belly laughs.  Keep it up!

Oh, man, I wish! This all took place on an old Evangelion mailing list back in the late nineties, and I'm pretty sure all of that nonsense disappeared into the ether. I don't remember if Jim Lazar was a subscriber, but it's possible. If I remember correctly, though, there was a minor uproar when someone on SVAM decided to MST it. Several people were claiming that the haters "didn't get the comedy."

Oh, we got it. And it wasn't funny. At all.

I can't say for certain when I'd be able to do a reading of this one, since it'll be a loooooong time before I finish DELTA Invasion. I mean, I'm just now finishing chapter 3... out of 13. But who knows? I'll no doubt need some more Eva badfics (of which there are so many!) after DELTA ends, and there is no way in hell I'd ever consider doing Neon Exodus Evangelion. I doubt I could do the whole thing, though. It's interminably long and dull and... guh... all those repressed memories are coming back... agh.

(By the way, thanks for listening!)

[oneluckyduck]

Hey, welcome to hell, newbie! But it seems my greeting is misplaced, for you appear to be an old hand at this, if I understand?

[Al_Cone]

Oh, man, I wish!  This all took place on an old Evangelion mailing list back in the late nineties, and I'm pretty sure all of that nonsense disappeared into the ether.  I don't remember if Jim Lazar was a subscriber, but it's possible.  If I remember correctly, though, there was a minor uproar when someone on SVAM decided to MST it.  Several people were claiming that the haters "didn't get the comedy."

Oh, we got it.  And it wasn't funny.  At all.

I can't say for certain when I'd be able to do a reading of this one, since it'll be a loooooong time before I finish DELTA Invasion.  I mean, I'm just now finishing chapter 3... out of 13.  But who knows?  I'll no doubt need some more Eva badfics (of which there are so many!) after DELTA ends, and there is no way in hell I'd ever consider doing Neon Exodus Evangelion.  I doubt I could do the whole thing, though.  It's interminably long and dull and... guh... all those repressed memories are coming back... agh.

(By the way, thanks for listening!)

You were around for NXE AND Garden of EVA during their..."genesis"?

I guess that makes you the OG around here, sport. Welcome to the fold.

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jul 22 2011, 08:05 PM

[Pamachu]

Hey, welcome to hell, newbie! But it seems my greeting is misplaced, for you appear to be an old hand at this, if I understand?

You were around for NXE AND Garden of EVA during their..."genesis"?

I guess that makes you the OG around here, sport. Welcome to the fold.

Haha. I don't know if "OG" is the right term. More like a fifteen year old SVAM groupie who had to wait until he was in his mid-twenties to learn how to correctly snark. I just happened to be in anime fandom at the right time to read all of this crap as it was being written.

Believe it or not, but there was a time when we all thought both NXE and Garden of Eva were going to go unfinished forever (perhaps "hoped" is the right word). Both authors took ridiculously long hiatuses near the end of their stories (and at least NXE stopped at a cliffhanger), causing their acolytes to freak out and panic that they'd been abandoned. For a time, we all presumed that they were both Dead-Fics. And then they both produced self-important, obnoxiously long "final chapters" long after anyone cared.

But I'm not suggesting that Eyrie Productions used "Jim Lazar" as a pseudonym and used GoE to work through some of their sexual hang-ups. I'm really not.

(For the record, there were also some very vocal commenters who didn't drink the NXE/GoE Kool-Aid. It wasn't a total fandom wasteland.)

Oh, yes. And thanks for the warm greeting, everyone.

This post has been edited by Pamachu: Jul 23 2011, 09:11 AM

[Al_Cone]

On the heels of the venerable TigerEyes' contribution comes a chapter from another one of our most accomplished forum members. Having securely finished an entire story by Dakari-King Mykan (a feat that I have yet to accomplish after nearly four years of trying) and winning first place in the Love Sick contest back in February, T_K_17 has earned a place in the upper echelons of PA's elite anti-fanfiction death squad. Pitted against a merciless foe, he turned in several pages of hilarity which, unfortunately, break the forum's post size limit.

This leads me to wonder how any fanfic can have so much to say, and yet say so very little. The mind boggles. All this means is that there will be two posts containing Garden of EVA claptrap cluttering up MoA's forum instead of one, which is still two more than most people would prefer. We, however, are not most people.

On an additional note, since his screenname contains characters that are not accounted for in the font I've been using in the title cards, I have been forced to write it phonetically. Fuck the police.



******

I haven't read much of this Garden of EVA thing yet. I think that it's, like, Evangelion with dick jokes, right? And if Evangelion is a mecha anime with dick jokes, and mecha anime is a genre of animation dedicated to dick jokes, then this will probably have lots of dicks.

Wish me luck, folks, 'cause this won't be easy.

Also, normal on bold is my mocking style and I'm sticking to it.

---

[EVA][Fanfic][VeryVeryLime] Garden of EVA 1:4 - Sucks Everybody!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 1:4 - Sucks Everybody!
Book 1: Sucks Everybody!

Didn’t look right without that last “Everybody!”.

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by fellow scientist cow-orker Jim Lazar

A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that really
Sucks Everybody!.

Gee, this guy really likes the word “sucks”. It’s like he’s trying to send me a message, but what?

"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."
<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>

Text in bold is ME.

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================
50 thousand yen = $430 US
10 thousand yen = $86 US
1 million yen = $8,595 US
6 million yen = _________ US
12 thousand yen = _______ US
41 thousand yen = _______ US
3 million yen = _________ US

I want this filled out and returned by the end of class, no later.

=======================================================================
All the usual sex (and then some)

(i.e. SUPER-SEX)

, nudity, bad language, and other bad stuff was here too. If these offend you, then you shouldn't have been reading the Garden of EVA series in the first place.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU ARE NOT MY FATHER!

=======================================================================


Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: suck v. 1 draw (a fluid) into the mouth by suction 2 draw fluid from (a thing) in this way 3 roll tongue around (a sweet, etc.) 4 engulf or drown in a sucking movement 5 slang. be of very poor quality -n. 6 act or period of sucking

7 Jim’s favorite word besides dick

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st edition: suck v. 1 draw (Kaji's sweet taste) into the mouth by suction 2 draw fluid from (a penis) in this way 3 roll tongue around (a tree or other mighty object)

Who rolls their tongue around a fucking tre- oh it’s a euphemism for dick, isn’t it?

4 engulf or drown in a sucking movement (If Shinji is reading this, this is basically referred to as a blow job, which I don't think you've ever had, have you? I thought not. Ha! Beg for it! You know you want me to!)

Asuka’s ghostwriter: “I’m not getting paid enough for this shit.”

5 slang. see Shinji's perfect world -n. 6 ditto

Yes, “Suck” is the nickname Asuka gave her favorite Pokemon.

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd edition: suck v. 1 draw (a fluid) into the... uh... oh... 2 draw fluid from... err... 3 roll tongue around... ahhhhhh!!

Oh come on. No one would just write “ahhhhhhh” like that.

4 engulf or.... ohhhhhh!! 5 slang... who cares about number five and six anymore?! Let's start at number one again!

Wow, we haven’t even started yet and already my dick theory is proving to be startlingly accurate.

-Electric- -Volleyball- -Ants-

Shinji helped Misato down the hall towards her room, number four-twenty-two. She was still pretty out of it. Mostly because she was plastered,

Dammet, this story is taking my jokes.

but also because of what had just happened. Before he could reach her door, it exploded outward as a young man crashed through it and slammed hard against the opposite wall.

”Oh Yeah!” the large, red pitcher said before providing everyone with a cold, refreshing glass of Kool-Aid.

"Arschloch, you will pay for that!" a very angry Asuka shouted. She was wrapped in a sheet when she stormed out of the room and kicked the man in the groin once. And then she kicked him again, just to make sure she got her point across. She did. Just to be sure, she made her 'point' several more times.

At first I thought this fanfiction was madly in love with dicks, but now it appears to despise them. MAKE UP YOUR MIND, JIM.

Shinji looked closely and recognized the man as Misato's boyfriend, lover, ex-boyfriend, and occasional punching bag. Which one depended on the time of day. "What happened?"

Asuka flinched at hearing his voice and then blushed when she saw him. "Err... Nothing!" Asuka stormed back inside.

Shinji: “It’s that damn social stuff again, isn’t it?”

Kaji just leaned against the wall with a pained smile on his face.
Shinji decided it was probably the pain from where Asuka had repeatedly kicked him.

Shinji Ikari: Master of deduction.

-Ebola’s- -Very- -Awful-

-- About the same time as that

Kensuke couldn't believe that the maid he had invited to his room actually showed up and crawled into his bed.

He also couldn’t believe she was pulling out a pair of scissors.

He also couldn't believe how much better she was than Misato, the cleaning lady, the woman he had picked up at the train station, the... you get the idea.

No, I don’t get it. Just how many ladies is she better than?

He held the woman in his arms in the dark room and just stroked her hair. "Thank you, that was the best I've ever had," he said softly.

"Well, of course it was, it was your first time, Touji!" Hikari snapped. "At least it had better been, you jerk!!"

"Uh... uh... Hik... Hikari?"

Waa Waa Waaaaaaa!

Hikari shuddered as she finally recognized the voice. <No... he wasn't supposed to be in the room yet.> She saw Kensuke reaching for his glasses. "Oh, god... I... lost my virginity to... to.... Kensuke!!
This... this... SUCKS EVERYBODY!!!"

Kensuke's ego took a mighty blow and his mighty maple crashed to the forest floor with a mighty thud.

Awesome, the tree euphemisms are a lasting feature.

-Evangialist- -Vandal- -Alliance-

-- Three minutes before that

"This is so cool!!" Touji whispered as he peered into his night-vision binoculars.

Touji: “They told me buying the Prestige Edition of Modern Warfare 2 was a waste of money, but I’ll prove them wrong!”

"You can see right into everyone's room from here. This is much better than just necking with Hikari. I'm sure she won't mind me skipping our date tonight."

Voyeurism is way better than out making.

He gasped as caught sight of another couple through a window with open drapes. "Alright!! They are really going at it! I am so damn lucky tonight!!" As he watched the couple doing it, he squinted trying to see the figures better. "Hmmm, that girl looks a little familiar..."

Touji: “Is that DisneyFan-01 and… talent? Naw, there’s no way those two would be together.”

-Ella- -Vicariously- -Abstains-

-- Two minutes before that

"Oh... oh... oh... oh..."

RIVETING.

"Oh.... Misato!!"

"You horny little jerk! How dare you call me Misato when you're fucking me!" Asuka pounded the man she was underneath with her fist and pushed away from him. "Dummkopf."

”Zis is unacceptable!”

"Who... who... are you?"

"Eh?" Asuka turned on the lights and got a good look at the naked man who she had just had sex with. And it wasn't Shinji.

Nor was it Warren Beatty.

Kaji covered his ears to keep his brain from turning to liquid due to the loud piercing scream that emanated from Asuka's mouth.

Okay seriously. Kaji is a grown man. How in a million years could she possibly confuse him with Shinji?

-Everyone- -Visited- -Aunt May-

-- Five minutes before that

Misato looked down at her naked body. "Yeah... I guess."

Misato: “I mean sure, the scale did go down about a pound. I still don’t think going nude all the time is a viable weight-loss solution, at least not for the long term.”

Misato stumbled over to where she saw various discarded pieces of clothing. She picked up her bra and then keeled over.

Misato: “Oh shit, this bra is inexplicably heavy.”

"Misato!!" Shinji rushed over to and then knelt by his now unconscious teacher. "Misato?" He shook her, but she just muttered something unintelligible. "Damn, Touji or Kensuke could come back any time now."

He reached for her bra and started to redress his naked teacher. <Damn... before Rei showed up I would have died for the chance to do this in reverse.>

LOL THAT’S IRONIC CAUSE THIS WHOLE FIC IS IN REVERSE.

Fuck me.

-Environmentalist- -Verizon- -Apples-

-- Two minutes before that

Misato shuddered as she came. "Oh, Kaji!!"

"What?!" Shinji screamed and filled Misato at the same time.

Okay, everyone in this series is pants-on-head retarded.

Misato frowned and squinted in the darkness. "What's happened to your voice, Kaji?"

"Misss... aaaat... ooo?"

Shinji: “Ssssssssslllooooooooooow moooooootioooooooon iiiiiiisssssss cooooooooollllllll!”

Misato looked closely to the man--make that boy--she had just made love to. "Shinji? What the... hic... fuck are you doing in my room?!"

Shinji: “Uh… fucking you?”

"Err... um... this is my room," Shinji awkwardly explained. "It's five-twenty-two.. you're in four-twenty-two." <Knew I should have made sure who it was when she slipped into bed with me, but a part of me didn't want to know if it was Asuka or Rei.> He shook his head to clear it, since it was still foggy due to the bad sushi he had earlier. <Thought those breasts were a little too big, but who am I to complain about being handed a couple handfuls.>

Go climb a wall of dicks, Shinji.

"Don't give me that bu... hic... you're on the seventh floor!"

Shinji blushed. "Err... they had to move us due to some... plumbing
problems."

Shinji: “Koopas, Piranha Plants, etc coming out of the pipes. You know, the usual.”

Misato looked around. "Oh... shit. First that little... hic...
Kensuke and now you. What kind of sicko am I?"

"Kensuke?"

Misato frowned. "You didn't hear that."

Is there any combination of two people in the fanfiction that haven’t had sex?

This must be the Jersey Shore of fanfiction.

<Kensuke and Misato have had sex?> Shinji thought back and realized that Kensuke had been acting odd lately. "Ah! That's why he's been trying to act so grown up lately."

Misato glared down at Shinji. "I said... you DIDN'T hear that! Got it?"

"Yes, Ma'am!!"

Misato cradled her head in her hands. "I can't believe this. How could I have mistaken you for my dear sweet Kaji." She squirmed a little bit. <Come to think of it, Kaji isn't this large.>

Misato: “So this is what three centimeters feel like…”

"Um... Misato?"

"Yes, what is it, Shinji?" Misato absently replied while rubbing her throbbing head.

"I really think you should get off me so we can start forgetting this ever happened."

At first I was going to wonder when the story was going to make a real joke.

Then the realization set in.

Misato blushed and pulled herself up and off Shinji's mighty oak.

Kill yourself.

"Right..." She felt around and felt for the light switch. The light came on and she shielded her bloodshot eyes. "Damn, that was a mistake."

Shinji pulled the sheets over his naked body. "Err... Maybe you should get dressed?"

-Extremist- -Vamdemon- -Advocates-

-- Ten minutes before that

Misato stumbled into her dark room, not exactly sure how she got there.

I’m going to guess that she teleportaled in.

After puking into a garbage can or a fern--she wasn't sure which--she started peeling off her clothes as she staggered towards her bed. Once she was naked, she headed towards the sweet reward of slumber. Unfortunately, she smashed her shin against the bed before she could get into it.

*GASP* What a shocking turn of events! Will she survive?!

"Dammit." She felt for the sheets and crawled under them.

Phew! That’s a relief!

Suddenly, she felt a body rub against hers. "Dammit, why did we have to have only one bed in this room? Just because I have to watch that little bitcoin... bimart... redhead. Move over, Asuka!" She pushed Asuka trying to make some room. <What?> She squeezed her fingers once. Twice. A third time. "Huh? That's a pelican... pebble... pecan... dick." She tried to see the figure through the darkness of the room and her bloodshot eyes. She was just able to make out the sleeping male figure with short hair and shouted for joy. "Kaji!!!"

Misato: “I certainly don’t know any other short-haired males! DEEEEEEERP!”

Misato wrapped her arms around her lover's body and held on for
dear life. "I knew you loved me."

She kissed him deeply and ran her hand down his body.

I’m sorry, but I still just can’t get over how stupid these characters are. No one could possibly mistake Shinji with a grown man. It’s like hugging a T-rex while thinking it’s Barney.

Barney Rubble.

A very groggy Shinji, who was still shaking off the effects of the bad sushi he had eaten, awoke to the pleasure of a naked female body pressed against his own. He started to object, but then went silent as her hand reached his mighty oak and made it mightier.

This fanfiction is making me want to become a logger. Just so that I can destroy trees.

Shinji decided that he didn't want to know if it was Asuka or Rei at that point. Despite his insistence that he couldn't do it with Rei anymore, a part of him yearned to touch her and be touched by her. So his mind just insisted that it was Asuka in bed with him, while secretly hoping it was Rei.

Oh God. I’m actually starting to miss Gohan Jr.

-Evil- -Villains?- -Absolutely!-

-- Two minutes before that

"Here it is... Room five-twenty-two," the bartender said, hoping he was correctly remembering the room number the girl had told him earlier. The bellhop opened the door with his master key and they prodded the drunk Misato into the room.

Thank you, Jim. I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t know how exactly Misato got in the room.

"Shouldn't we make sure she gets into bed?" the bellhop asked innocently.

”You know, just to make sure that she ‘gets a good night sleep’.” He said less innocently.

The bartender stood in the hallway and smirked as he closed the door to the room. "You just want to see if she'll take off her clothes before going to bed."

Yeah, I should have known better than to make a sex joke in a story that is 96% sex jokes.

The bellhop blushed. "Um... no! I just..."

"Relax kid. The drunk chicks usually just end up puking on you instead of giving you a show or a good lay."

The bellboy's face fell. "Darn."

The bartender laughed and slapped the bellboy's back. "You'll learn kid. The best way to see the guests naked is to listen for the shower and then 'accidentally' let yourself into a room to pick up some dirty dishes or something."

But if they had any intelligence th- oops; better stop right there.

"Gee, that's a great idea, Mr. Happosai!!"

The bartender smiled devilishly and put a hand on the bellboy's leg, he was rather short after all. "Come on, kid, let's go check out the hotel laundry."

"For your collection?"

“To make you wear it, actually. I haven’t had a woman in a while and you’re the closest I have.”

“…”

"Oops, I mean You learn fast, kid."

-E… Oh fuck it. I’m sick of this.- -V- -A-

-- Ten minutes before that

Let me guess: Another character will walk in the room that we saw them in the earlier (or “later”) part of the story. And they will mistake someone with someone else due to the aforementioned pants-on-head retardation.

As Hikari stepped out of the elevator, she suddenly realized that she had pushed the button for the seventh floor instead of her own. Hikari smiled when she realized she had subconsciously selected the floor Touji's room was on.

I don’t care. I really don’t. You already told us what’s going to happen because you’re telling this story backwards. There’s no grand mystery being uncovered here. You’re just wasting our time.

Hikari took a deep breath and winced at the smell of alcohol on her breath. <Am I doing this just because I'm tipsy? Nawwww...>

WHAT ARE THE ODDS OF THAT?

She knocked on the door to Touji's room. After there was no response, she dug in her purse looking for the extra key Touji had given her in hopes of scoring with her during their trip. <Didn't really expect to use this thing.> She found the card key and inserted it into the lock. She opened the door and poked her head in. "Hey, Touji?"

If this was a horror story then this scene would be awesome because the killer would be waiting in this room for her.

There was no response, so Hikari walked into the dark room and saw a single figure sleeping in one of the two full sized beds. At the foot of the bed was a sweater that Hikari had given Touji for his last birthday.

What compelling evidence you’ve found there, Hikari! Surely that means you can fuck whoever’s in that bed with no consequences!

<Well, since Shinji and Kensuke are both out, we should have the room to ourselves for a little bit.> Hikari swallowed hard and flipped the door latch so no one could get in even if they had the room key. "Hey, Touji?"

”I’m not Touji!” the figure said as it rose. “I’m Duke Nukem, and I’m going to kick your ass!”

The figure rolled over and grunted. Hikari took this as sign that he was awake.

"Ok, Touji... come and get me."

Even if he was Touji, the guy was just asleep. There’s no way he’d be up for sex when he’s trying to get some rest.

Oh TK, everyone in this story is always up for sex. Haven’t you been paying attention? ~Not Al

Shut the hell up, Not Al! I don’t need any of your crap!

You know what? Fuck this. I’m skipping ahead. Lemme give you a run down:

Hikari continues to act like a fucking retard.

Then we see that Kaji and Asuka are fucking retards.

Shinji lied to Hikari about where Touji is because he is a fucking retard.

Now we’re at the part where Misato is drinking. Maybe this will be mockable.

-E- -V- -A-

-- Twenty minutes before that

"Men are pigs..."

”Except for the ones that are human; they don’t seem to be pigs.”

Hikari looked at the drunk Misato and sighed. "Yes, Ma'am." She checked her watch again. <I was supposed to meet Touji half an hour ago, I hope he waits for me.>

What, that faithful and honest Touji? Of course he will!

"I mean... I told him I'm down here in Osaka-2 and... hic.. he has some dammed thugs come by to tell me to leave him alone."

”And they even sang ‘Rebel Girl’ and everything…”

Misato took another gulp of her drink and almost fell from the barstool. "Men... they fuck you... and then... hic... leave you."

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Here... have a drink Hikari..."

"No... I shouldn't..."

Hikari: “I always get a little crazy when I have too much Fanta.”

Misato wasn't ready to take no for an answer and shoved the drink in Hikari's face. Hikari faked drinking it until Misato got impatient.
"Come on, chug it!" She forced glass back and Hikari ended up swallowing most of it.

That’s not what usually happens when you push a glass in someone’s face, unless Hikari is a pe... pe... pelican.

Hikari coughed and wiped her mouth off. <Some chaperone she is.>

"You know what... hic... hic... Hikari?"

"What, Ma'am?"

"You'd better fuck that Touji fast... or he'll move on to some other young, sweet morsel."

Misato: ”Like a plate of delicious chicken alfredo.”

Hikari blushed. "Ma'am!! Didn't you just say that men will just leave you if you let them fuck you?"

"Yup, what's yer point? Men are pigs."

Misato Katsuragi: Master of logic.

"Yes, Ma'am." Hikari sighed, she'd been pretty much held captive by Misato ever since they happened to see a news report about some mayoral candidate in Tokyo-3 setting a wedding date.

Jim has so far failed to mention the loaded pistol Misato has been pointing at Hikari this whole time to keep her there.

It didn't take Hikari long to figure out that the Kaji Ryouji on the report was Misato's boyfriend.

"It doesn't matter if... hic... you let them fuck you or not, they'll leave you for another tramp... hic... when their balls tell them to." Misato pulled Hikari close to whisper something into her ear. Her mouth opened, but no words came out.

Instead, a Yeerk came out and took over Hikari’s mind.

Hikari recoiled at the stench of the liquor from Misato. "Misato, maybe I should take you up to your room."

Misato smiled and patted Hikari's face. "That's a nice thought, but
I only like men."

That’s funny because she ends up fucking Shinji instead.

Hikari blushed. "That's... not what I meant!"

"Try that little Sana cu... hic... she's a lezbo... always staring at me boobs...

”And trying to steal me Lucky Charms…”

or was that Touji ?" As she spoke, Misato seemed to be trying to knock flying pink fluffy unicorns elephants out of the air.

Hikari swallowed hard. <It probably was Touji.>

"Take it from me, hic... hic... Hikari, fuck Touji now and have your fun while you can. Men are only good for their co... hic... And even that can be replaced thank to... hic... modernish technology."

Wait, why should she fuck Touji if modernish technology is an adequate replacement?

Hikari really wanted to leave. "Um... Ma'am? I really have to go..."

"Fine... you go fuck Touji then..." Misato slapped Hikari on the back and shoved her towards the door.

Hikari wondered if she should leave Misato alone, but decided to get while the going was good.

A little late for that.

She paused to whisper to the bartender. "Um... she's staying in room four-twenty-two. Can you make sure she gets back there after she's run out of money for booze?"

The bartender nodded.

Another mystery solved! Any of you who had the burning question of “How did the bartender know to take Misato to her room?” can rest easy.

-E- -V- -A-

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jul 27 2011, 10:05 PM

[Al_Cone]

-- Ten minutes before that

"Boy, Shinji, that must have been one huge turd!!" Touji started laughing as the repairman worked on the toilet in their room.

What a coincidence. I was just about to say that this fanfiction really needed a shit joke or two.

Shinji blushed, either from embarrassment or for the sick feeling in his stomach. "It's not my fault! It just.... overflowed."

"Well, next time flush a few times during the big ones."

Shinji glared at Touji. "I threw up, okay?! It wasn't a turd you shithead!"



Touji: “Who you callin’ shithead?”

Touji smirked at getting Shinji to blow his top.

"Excuse me," the repairman said from the doorway to the bathroom. He was covered in... well... really unpleasant stuff.

Shinji: “Is that… Fanta?”

Repairman: “I COULDN’T HELP MYSELF.”

"Looks like you backed up the whole sewer line with that huge turd and all that vomit didn't help either. We'll have to move you to a new room. I've radioed down and a bellhop is on the way."

Shinji looked away, blushing in embarrassment.

No matter how many women he sleeps with, he never stops being a faggot.

"Damn, I was just getting used to this room too! The view is great!"

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Right down to the sun deck around the pool, huh?"

"Of course." Touji gave one of his biggest grins. Which most people would call a leer.

TOUJI used LEER!

But it failed!

"We have to remember to tell Kensuke about the new room.... leave a note or something."

Touji waved off Shinji's remark. "Yeah.. yeah.. I'll take care of it."

"Are you sure you'll remember?"

Touji glared at Shinji. "Of course I'll remember, what do you think I am, some kind of over-hormoned idiot with nothing but sex on my mind?"

This would be funny if it was funny.

Shinji chose the right to remain silent on the grounds that Touji could beat the shit out of him... the shit that was left in him, that is.

Well Shinji is comprised of 100% shit, so there’s always some left in him by default.

-E- -V- -A-

-- Half-hour before that

Touji cringed at the horrible sounds coming from the bathroom.
<Damn, I thought I've had some bad ones.>

Thanks a bunch, Jim. I never would have guessed what happened right before the last scene without this part.

-E- -V- -A-

-- One hour before that

Shinji and Touji walked towards their room. "Damn, I think there was something wrong with that sushi," Shinji said, clutching his stomach.

Touji shrugged. "I feel okay, you must be imaging it."

Just keep taking pictures of that sushi, Shinji.

-E- -V- -A-

-- Two minutes before that

After the gang had dinner

WHAT?! THEY HAD DINNER?! WHEN?! I SURE HOPE THEY SHOW HOW THE GANG HAD DINNER IN THE NEXT SCENE SO I CAN FIND OUT MORE!

, Rei walked into her hotel room and tossed her purse onto the bed. She noticed an envelope on the floor that must have been slipped under the door. picking it up, she noticed it was addressed to her.

Rei: “So it was sent to my room and is addressed to me… it must be for Asuka!”

After slipping off her shoes, she walked over to the bed while undoing her blouse. She pulled her blouse off and sat down on the bed's edge to read the letter.

She casually opened the envelope and started reading the letter inside. Suddenly, she gasped and dropped to her knees. "No..." As she continued to read, a look of horror and panic formed on her face.

Rei: “’You’ve been invited to join the Columbia Record Club’? NO, NOT THAT! I’M NOT READY FOR THAT KIND OF COMMITMENT!”

When she finished reading it, she crushed the letter in her hands and cried into the crumpled paper. "No... no... I've got to tell Shinji." She dropped the letter, rose to her feet, and took a few steps toward the door. "No... I can't do that. It's too dangerous to involve him. This is my problem. I have to rid myself of my past once and for all."

Rei: “Time to finish off Ares once and for all.”

After thinking and crying for several minutes, she flexed her knuckles a few times to steady her nerves and then reached for her blouse. "No, that won't do." She sighed and started undoing her skirt as she walked over to her luggage.

Rey: “My problems are always best solved naked.”

-E- -V- -A-

-- Two hours before that

A group of boys and a girl watched the gang walk out of the Eva center. "There!" Hasamoto exclaimed and pointed.

The lone girl replied. "What?"

"That one... the short one on the end... what's his name?"

Verne Troyer?

The girl frowned and looked at the information she had dug up on the Dark Eva Knights team. "Um.... That's Shinji Ikari."

Close enough.

Hasamoto smiled. "He's fucked her at least once."

"Huh? How can you tell."

"I can tell. The way they look at each other and try to pretend they aren't attracted to each other in front of the others. It's obvious."

The girl frowned. <Then why can't you tell that I love you?>

His power only allows him to tell if they’ve fucked. His ability to judge plain attraction is crap.

"He is exactly what we need for the plan to work."

-E- -V- -A-

-- Two minutes before that

"We are so damn good!!" Asuka shouted as they left the Eva center.

"The best damn Eva team in the world!!" Touji insisted.

Now if only you could be good characters, then you’d be all set.

"Well, two more rounds to go till we can really say that. But if we can play the way we played today we will win the championships for sure!!" Kensuke insisted, smiling from ear to ear.

It’s kinda satisfying seeing these guys so happy now when I already know that their night’s going to turn to shit later.

Hikari gave Rei a big hug. "Well, most of the credit goes to Rei here. She was hacking apart all the Angels in sight."

"Yeah, I was able to concentrate on the enemy Evas thanks to you, Rei!" Shinji added his encouragement.

Rei blushed at all of the attention she found herself the center of. "Well... I couldn't let my friends down, could I?"

Well, of course. Losing a friend's trust is the fastest way to lose a friend.

FOREVER!

Shh!

"See, I told you that you could do it, kiddo!" Asuka said, slapping Rei on her back.

"Um... thanks for not giving up on me yesterday, Asuka. I've never had such good friends before."

Rei: “Except for my vegetable friends.”

"Oh... deep." Asuka remarked. "Well, before we start crying and get into a group hug or something mushy like that, let's go pig-out!!"

"Okay, but let's find someplace with good food. That fast food we had for lunch was a little bland," Shinji said.

ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED!

-E- -V- -A-

-- Half-hour before that

Asuka took the mighty oak tree in hand, ripped it out of the corpse, and danced around in triumph with the bloody shaft. "At last, I have done it!! That fool will never bother me again!!"

I already know that’s not Shinji, so this scene does nothing for me.

-E- -V- -A-

-- One minute before that

Asuka tumbled down the forested hillside wrapped in a firm embrace with him. Oak trees snapped like toothpicks as they rolled.

I’m going to assume that they are rolling around in a field of giant dicks. That’s what the author has taught me and I’m sticking to it.

With a mighty yell of "Timber!" Asuka ripped out a mighty oak tree from the ground, thrust it through the stomach of the blue Eva, and watched the various internal organs and S2 engine spill out. The dead corpse crashed to the ground in a heap of metal and flesh.

You can’t actually impale someone with an oak tree, dumbass.

An oak tree doesn’t even resemble a dick. Just look at this:



Maybe he’s thinking of a Douglas Fir or something, but Oak is a terrible euphemism.

-E- -V- -A-

-- Five minutes before that

A group of boys and one girl watched the game monitors from the shadows. "You're right, Hasamoto, she is good."

Hasamoto grinned. "Yes... too good. If we want to win this tournament, we have to get her out of the way."

"How?"

Hasamoto: “We’ll get her into League of Legends. She’ll never want to play anything else after that.

Hasamoto responded quite casually. "Well, killing her would be the fastest way, but that's too good for her. She needs to suffer for what she has..." He trailed off and went silent.

One of the boys frowned. "What did she do?"

Hasamoto: “Let’s just say I can never have Fanta ever again.”

"Never mind that. Here's what we'll do." He gathered his team together and laid out his plan.

The single girl in the group frowned at hearing the plan, but didn't dare speak out about her distaste for it. She didn't want to share the same fate as that poor girl.

-E- -V- -A-

--Ten minutes before that

Round two.

The Red Unit Zero flew across the battlefield. Rei sliced and diced Angels into small parts using two severed arms from an enemy Unit Ten that she had dissected within seconds of the start of this round. The arms still had the curved blades extended that were Unit Ten's trademarked weapon.

You could say she was heavily armed!

Since she held the arms at the severed elbows, she effectively doubled her reach and was able to keep attackers from getting close enough to harm her, while making mincemeat out of them.

Rei did a high leap over a swarm of advancing Angels and landed in the mist of three enemy Evas that had Shinji and Asuka pinned down against a collapsed building. With a quick sweep of one of her extra arms, she decapitated one of them.

Looks like she's getting ahead of the situation!

Shinji took advantage of the hole left in the two remaining Evas' defenses and sprinted forward and tackled a blue Unit Four. The two Evas tumbled away and down a steep hill.

When they finally rolled to a rest, the player controlling the blue Eva wet his pants when he saw that Shinji had a handgun pressed to his Eva's chin. He flinched backwards as the single shot ripped through his Eva's head. The exploding head was rendered in vivid detail on his monitors before they went dead. "Shit... I really hate it when they blow my head off."

”I’ll go play something safe and non-violent, like Counter-Strike.”

Back on the battlefield, Asuka was trading kicks and punches with a blue twin of her own red Unit Two. She had managed to get her attacker's progressive knife away from him by slicing off his hand--cut right to the bone of the matter, that was Asuka's motto

And I thought my “armed” and "head" jokes were bad…

--but in the process she had been kicked by her victim and lost her own knife. Unfortunately, that meant she had to fight him hand to stump until she could find something to bash his skull in with.

-E- -V- -A-

-- Somewhere where time doesn't exist anymore

My desk while reading this story.

"Give me back the remote, Asuka!!" Shinji yelled as he chased her around the theater. Since they were both naked, various objects were bouncing and flapping around. Shinji's object made a slapping sound. In mono, of course, with just a touch of surround sound caused by his balls slapping just a second behind his penis. Asuka's twin objects made a pleasant stereo 'boing' sound.

I’m missing Birdboy now.

"No! I want to see Kaji fuck me again!!" Asuka replied, pressing the rewind button. The viewpoint started moving backwards again.

SKIP

Shinji grabbed Asuka around the waist and reached for the remote. "Come on... this is not the time to be concerned about that! I want to see where Rei ran off to."

No one gives a shit.

"It's just a fantasy world! It's not real, Shinji!"

Shinji: “Shut up, Asuka! Beast Boy won’t be happy until I do something about it!”

Shinji clenched his teeth. "I know that..."

Now he’s even talking like Mykan. This is perfect!

"Do you? Do you really? You're so worried about who you're fucking in that world that you're ignoring me!"

Shinji flinched and suddenly became aware that his naked body was pressed against Asuka's. Mostly since a certain organ pushed them apart slightly as it expanded.

Just say “dick” you baby.

"Why don't you just fuck me? It's better than watching those imaginary puppets of yours do it." Asuka winked.

Shinji tried to stay calm. "Asuka... why do you keep bringing that up over and over?!"

"Because... because... I'm bored!! Third Impact sucks Everybody! and I really need something to do!!"

Shinji: “We could play Skull Gi-“

Asuka: “NOT YOUR WEEABOO SHIT!”

"No!!"

Both Shinji and Asuka looked around at the outraged voice.

"Rei?" Shinji gasped in surprise.

Rei was standing a few feet from them. "It's... not right... to do that... just because you're... bored." A single tear dripped down her cheek.

Keep hitting your head with that hammer, Rei. You haven’t lost all brain functions yet.

"Fine then... it's because I love him!" Asuka said, looking lovingly into Shinji's eyes.

Shinji gasped and looked into Asuka's eyes. "Really?" His previous anger towards her vanished and he ran his hand through her red hair. He found himself pulling her against his body.

Asuka couldn't hold her straight face any longer and she burst out laughing. "No, you idiot! I just need something to pass away the eons we have in front of us. I can't believe you fell for that! What a dork!"

Asuka: “But seriously, you should fuck me, you stupid idiot-head.”

Shinji released Asuka suddenly, causing her to fall on her ass. He clenched his fists as anger flooded his mind. "Dammit, Asuka! We've all been through a lot. Why can't you stop being such a dammed bitch all the time!"

Asking for character development here is the ultimate hypocrisy, Shinji.

Asuka rubbed her sore butt from where she had fallen. "I'm not!"

"Yes, you are!"

Misato walked up behind Shinji. "Asuka, he's right. You have been getting pretty bad lately."

Asuka glared at Misato. "You're one to talk. You were ranting and screaming about Kaji... Hey! Why aren't you upset about him doing me?"

Misato shook he head sadly. "Because I've decided that world doesn't matter. It's not real. I've found something better to worry about."

"What?"

Misato: “Orange Fanta.”

Shinji: “Oh God no!”

Misato looked over at Rei. "My daughter."

Rei looked up at Misato and wiped the tear out of her eye. "You care about me? Even after what they did to you to create me?"

"Yes." Misato took a step toward Rei and pulled her into a hug. "I love you. They may have butchered me to create you, but my hatred for that doesn't mean I hate you."

Misato: “It’s your bland personality that makes me hate you.”

Asuka opened her mouth to make a snide comment about how sickening sweet that little scene was, but shut it quickly. She decided that it probably wasn't a good time to crack one of her jokes. Without her knowing it, she was learning when to keep silent... slowly learning.

Next step is learning to make sammiches in the kitchen.

Shinji relaxed and looked towards the viewpoint. He used the remote to play from the point he had dropped off Misato. As the viewpoint switched from the recorded image to the 'live' image, Shinji entered his usual viewing trance.

-E- -V- -A-

After leaving the very drunk and angry Misato with a very bruised Kaji, Shinji walked back towards the elevators to return to his own room. He stopped when he passed Rei's room. He decided he'd see if Rei was back yet, so he knocked on the door. He flinched backwards when the door, which hadn't been closed completely, opened. "Rei? Hikari?"

Since there was no response, he pushed the door open. "Rei, Hikari? I'm coming in." He scanned the room and looked through the open bathroom door. When he saw that neither of them was there, he grew very worried.

Shinji: “Damn. I was hoping to see one of them on the toilet.”

"I guess Touji might have gotten lucky tonight, but where could Rei be?"

As he was leaving, he noticed a crumpled piece of paper on the floor. Curious, he picked it up and looked at it. He gasped at seeing some of the threatening writing on it. As he read the letter, he became even more desperate to find Rei.

"Oh shit... I hope she doesn't do anything stupid."

Shinji: “She needs to be more smarter, like I is.”

-E- -V- -A-

"Fifty thousand, old man!"

"Eh?" the old man mumbled, cupping his ear.

Rei flashed five fingers. "Fifty thousand for the night of your dreams." She struck a sexy pose.

A handstand.

<If I wasn't sure this guy wasn't a cop, I'd never be this direct.>

"Eh? I only have ten thousand." His shaky hand held out a ten thousand yen bill.

Well that is over nine thousand…

Rei shook her head sadly. "It'll be a quickie then..."

-E- -V- -A-

Rei slid off the old man and silently walked towards the bathroom without even looking back. Her face was expressionless except for a single tear that rolled down her cheek.

A tear isn’t an expression. This fanfiction is ruined now!

She cleaned up quickly in the bathroom and then looked into the mirror. "I've got to do this... to be free of my past. I've got to do this to keep Shinji from being hurt. I've got to do this..." She trailed off as she pictured Shinji scolding her in the mirror for selling herself like this.

Shinji: “You’re charging way too much, Rei!”

She slowly put her hand to the mirror and sighed. "I'm sorry, Shinji... just a few more times and never again... with anyone. I promise."

Rei: “Well, except for maybe Natalie Portman, but no one else.”

She started redressing and hoped the old man would be gone by the time she was done in the bathroom. She always hated looking into their faces afterwards.

Being a GAINAX production, they were always crudely drawn and animated.

Rei straightened the clothes she had assembled from her and Hikari's luggage. The semi-transparent halter-top was probably a sexy little thing Hikari had planned on enticing Touji with. <I really don't see how those two stay together.>

Gorilla Glue.

The lace bra she wore under the halter-top was something she'd normally do without in order to attract attention on the street, but she had been unable to leave her room without wearing it. She hated what she was doing, but a part of her wanted to remain the good girl Shinji wanted her to be.

Just as long as you’re wearing a bra. You wouldn’t want people thinking you were a whore or anything.

<Shinji... I love you.>

The little mini-skirt that completed the outfit was cut from a tight black dress that Rei had hoped to use for their celebration party. She doubted it would be needed now. She had chosen a path of salvation and damnation... there was no going back now. "I'm sorry, Shinji."

Before leaving the bathroom, she counted her money again. "What a cheap old man. I'm still short of the one million yen I need. How will I get it all tonight at this rate?"

Rei: “To Kickstarter!”

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji was panicked as he raced down the noisy streets of Osaka-2. <Dammit... I knew I should have kept a closer eye on her.> The wording of the letter he found kept rolling through his head as he ran.

Suddenly, he screeched to a halt when he saw her and a middle-aged man enter a sleazy love hotel at the far end of the street. "Shit! Don't do it, Rei!" he shouted, but she didn't hear him. <Not again... Why, Rei? Why do you do this to yourself?>

Shinji: “Why do you have to charge innocent people so much for so little?”

Shinji took off running and raced into the hotel. She wasn't in the lobby, so he rapped urgently on the little window.

Shinji: “So chillin’ in the front seat
In the back seat
I’m drivin’ cruisin’
Fast lanes, switchin’ lanes
Wit’ a ca-“

“ALRIGHT! COME IN, GEEZ!”

An old man slowly opened the window. "How many hours?"

Shinji was not in a mood to talk, so he reached in and grabbed the old man's collar. "Which room did you give to the last couple?!"

"I can't tell you that!"

Shinji glared at the old man. "Tell me, dammit! That's my sister!"

"It's against the law for me to give out that information! Please leave or I'll call the cops!" the old man explained, as if he'd said the same thing to angry relatives, boyfriends, or lovers many times before. In this case, Shinji was technically all three.

Thanks for the reminder.

"She's only fourteen, you bastard! That's even more against the
law... TELL ME!"

SHINJI used HYPOCRISY

It’s super effective!

The old man cringed from the determined look in Shinji's eyes. "Room nine, down the hall on the left!!" He pressed the buzzer to admit Shinji.

Shinji released the old man and raced inside, hoping that he would be in time to stop her.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei sat quietly on the bed as a middle-aged man stood over her. He was bald on top with a few strands of hair strategically placed to keep his mind from admitting he was bald. A leer was plastered on his weathered old face. "You are one fine babe, you know that?"

Rei: “And you are very handsome without your glasses.”

Rei nodded awkwardly. "Thank you."

"So what do you want to do?"

Rei: “Skull Gir-“

Man: “WEEABOO!”

"That's up to you."

Before the man could answer, the door flew off its hinges and Shinji barreled into the room and knocked the man over. "Get your filthy hands off her, you dirty, stinking ape!!"

Shinji even fails at quoting famous movies.

"Shinji?!" Rei gasped. A part of her wanted to scold him and tell him to leave, but a part of her was glad he had shown up.

"Come on, Rei. I don't know exactly what that letter meant, but doing this isn't going to solve anything."

Rei gasped. "You found the..." She stopped suddenly and shook her head sadly. "I'm sorry Shinji, but I have to do this to escape my past."

Rei: “I need to be a hooker in order to escape my past as a hooker.”

"Escape?!" Shinji shouted. "You fool! You're just going to end up back where you started... as a cheap whore getting your sexual thrills and living off a few yen for a quickie!"

"Shut up! It's not about money or sex!"

"Then what's it about?"

Rei: “It’s about Fanta!”

Shinji: “…”

Rei: “Now you know the truth.”

"I..." Rei went silent, stormed over to the middle-aged man, and started undoing her blouse. In her anger, she actually ended up ripping the buttons off as she snapped an order at her customer. "Come on... if you want to fuck me, you have to give me fifty thousand and kick him out!"

The man had been mute up to that point as the argument between
Shinji and Rei ensued. Awkwardly, he nodded and reached for his wallet.

"Stop it!" Shinji managed to blurt.

Rei glared back at Shinji. "Shut up! You're not the boss of me!!"

The man held out some bills. Before Rei could grab then, Shinji
did. "I said no!!"

Shinji: “I am too the boss of you!”

Rei glared at Shinji and pulled back her arm, as if to hit him. Then she stopped at stared at his eyes for an eternity. Finally she dropped to her knees and started to cry. "Why can't you just let me get this over with?"

Shinji looked down sadly at his sister, dropped down, and pulled her into a hug. "It'll be okay, Rei. I'm here for you. Whatever it is you're hiding, just tell me."

Rei: “Oh Shinji. I… I… I watch My Little Pony!”

Shinji: “Get back, woman!”

Before Rei could respond, she felt something cold on her wrist.

Get your dick out of her hand, Shinji.

She looked up and saw that the man had attached a pair of handcuffs to one of her wrists. "Hey! That's extra!!" she blurted out of habit.

Shinji flinched as he realized that Rei may have had a darker past than he realized. Then he shuddered after he felt the other cuff slapped around his wrist. "What the hell are you doing?"

The man stood up. "You really shouldn't have grabbed the money kid, now you're both under arrest." He held out a badge.

"Shit, not again."

Shinji: “Curse you, Chris Hansen!”

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji stared blankly at the viewpoint. His body was limp and his right eye twitched slightly.

Okay, who put on Planet Chasers?

Rei waved her hands in front of his eyes. "He's not in his normal trance."

Misato looked at Shinji as well. "I think... maybe we should let him get some rest. Let's lay him down and just leave him alone. He'll snap out of it." She looked into Shinji's eyes. "I hope."

"See, told you watching Kaji fucking me was better than watching what those two were up to."

At least I could crack jokes at what they were doing.

"SHUT UP, ASUKA!!" mother and daughter shouted in unison.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji lay motionless on the theater floor where they had put him for what may have been an eternity. Eventually, his eyes snapped open and he starred at the ceiling for a fraction of an eternity before opening his mouth to speak. Eventually, words came out of the opened orifice.

Dammit, Shinji. You’re supposed to talk out of your mouth.

"Maybe we should paint that... it seems so familiar."

He starred at the ceiling until a voice interrupted his thoughts. "How are you?"

Shinji looked over and saw Rei walking up to him. "I don't know... what happened anyway?" Shinji tried not to blush as he talked to the naked Rei, since his view from the floor of her standing right by his head was very... revealing. Not to mention stimulating.

Shinji: “Why didn’t I notice until now that you had a dick?

"You sort of... left us for a while when Shinji and Rei got arrested."

Shinji jerked and almost returned to his catatonic state. "Damn... what happened after that?"

Rei shook her head. "You know new events don't unfold in that world unless you are in your trance."

"Oh yeah. Um... what do you think I should do with it?"

Rei tilted her head. "With your perfect world?"

Shinji’s perfect world is my hell; how fitting.

"Yeah, it just seems like it's all falling apart. That Rei has had such a bad life and Asuka's headed for a major heartbreak. I have no idea what Touji might do to Kensuke when he finds out. And on top of all that... Shinji and Rei are headed for jail for sure this time. Frankly, it just sucks Everybody!."

Try making a new world in which everyone is Charlton Heston.

Rei looked sadly down at Shinji. "How does it draw fluid into one's mouth?"

Shut up, Rei.

Shinji cracked a smile. "No... that means it's bad and it sure doesn't seem to be getting any better."

"Oh... slang. I know you think it's bad, but do you really think making another would really solve anything?"

Maybe it would solve my boredom.

Shinji sighed and shrugged. "I don't know, but I can't stand watching that world anymore." He sat up and reached for the storyboards that held his perfect world on several dog-eared pages. "Maybe I should..." He started to tear them, but they didn't. "Huh?" He strained again to rip the pages in half. "Why won't they tear?"

You’re just that wimpy, Shinji.

Rei sat down on the floor next to Shinji. "Because a part of you is still holding out hope that something good will come of that world."

"No! It sucks Everybody!... it's time to move on!" He tried to tear the storyboards again with the same results.

Rei shook her head sadly. "Maybe, but until you accept it inside-"
She tapped his chest twice. "-you can't tear those storyboards."

Shinji sighed and put down the storyboards. "Maybe Asuka is right, I'm living in a fantasy world... or watching a fantasy world."

Rei wrapped her arms around Shinji. "Shinji, I don't think it's a fantasy."

Good point, Rei. “Fantasy” has positive connotations.

Shinji awkwardly looked at Rei's eyes. "Huh?"

"You can find happiness."

Rei: “It’s behind the couch.”

"Maybe... but why can't I even bring myself to end that awful world?"

"I don't know. That answer lies within you."

Shinji frowned. "Great... just what I need to do more of."

"Huh?"

"More self-introspection."

FUCK FUCK FUCK NO

Rei thought about that for a second before smiling slightly. "Welcome to my world."

Shinji cocked his head and looked at Rei. "What?"

Keep cocking your head, Shinji. It will get the skimming fangirls to stop and read.

"I spent many long days and nights in the cloning tank with nothing to do except think about who or what I was and why I was there."

"Did you ever find an answer?"

"No." Rei paused and looked at Shinji. "Not entirely."

To be fair, she didn’t have much information to work with.

Shinji cracked a smile. "Well, we have each other now. Maybe together we can find some answers."

He had meant the four of them, but that wasn't how Rei took it. She smiled and rested her head on his chest. "Thank you, Shinji, I feel the same about you."

"Rei... um..."

"What is it, Shinji?"

"Why have you've been acting so strange lately?"

Rei tilted her head. "Have I?"

You missed another golden opportunity to say “cocked”, Jim.

"Yeah, not in a bad way, but you've seemed to get more emotional lately."

"I see. Yes... maybe I have."

"Why?"

"It's because of the power you have over me."

"Power?"

Please don’t.

"The power to make me whole. To complete my existence."

DON’T SAY IT.

Shinji laughed, trying to hide his sudden nervousness. "If I didn't know better, I'd say you were talking about love."

DAMMIT!

"Love?"

"You don't know what love is?"

Rei: “No, I just do as I’m told.”

"Does anyone?"

Shinji chuckled. "Good point. You know Rei, maybe you should talk to Misato about this. I'm really not an expert on love."

Shinji: “I can barely even play it on medium.”

"And she is?"

Shinji grinned broadly. "I've got it! You're making jokes! I almost thought you were going to kiss me or som... hmmmfff..."

Rei: “Taste these muffins, Shinji!”

Shinji stopped talking when Rei's lips were unexpectedly pressed against his. It was a sweet tender kiss, which went on forever. Or not.. Time held no meaning in the theater after all.

If they stop at some point then it couldn’t be forever.

After the initial shock wore off, Shinji returned the kiss. <This is a lot better when you can breathe during it.>

Were you last trying to kiss someone underwater or something?

Their lips separated and Rei was the first to speak. "Yes, I do believe I love you."

Shinji grew very confused, but he was used to the feeling. He found himself reaching out to touch Rei's face, but he suddenly pulled it back. "I don't know what to say, Rei."

"Then don't say anything."

Shinji decided to take her advice, since talking only seemed to cause him more confusion.

Shinji’s learning, too.

He sighed and lay down on the floor and resumed his contemplation of the ceiling.

He was faintly aware of Rei lying down beside him as he drifted off to sleep. It never occurred to him to wonder why.

Rei: “I’ve finally lulled him into a false sense of security. Alright, Ms. Boxcutter, time to chop down an ‘oak tree’.”

[End - Garden of EVA 1:4]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:


The idea for this 'reverse sequence' story came from the Jerry Sienfield episode where they did the same thing

Ah, now I know who to punch for that retarded plot device.

: Started with the ending and then worked backwards in time. After writing this part as a normal part, I saw that the lead up to the final cliffhanger and other events had more impact (I hope) if I went backwards through the story. It was also funnier (I hope).

Hope can only take you so far, Jim.

So I rewrote it (and the author's notes and header information) to maximize the impact of the revelations.

The next part (and future parts) will be in normal sequence. This part was done reversed due to the unique nature of the revelations.

Like the exciting revelation of how Misato got in her room, or how Shinji took a shit.

Just in case you missed how all the mix-ups happened, here's the scoop:

No one cares.

I'd like to thank my pre-readers No one cares.

RevisiNo one cares.

---

So to recap: Stupid people fuck, Chris Hansen pwns Shinji, and this fanfiction sucks Everybody!

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Jul 27 2011, 10:06 PM

[Dr. O]

CARVED FROM THE MIGHTY OAK!

It'll take more to stop this bore
Than a little mockery
When the pants fall, you will see
(I can't write a joke)

Master of Eva and of the birds and the bees
My fanfic has retarded characters, porn, and no story

Because I write
About trees
I'll bring Misato to her knees

[T_K_17]

For anyone curious, even though I said I haven't read much of Garden of EVA in the beginning, I've since caught up by reading Tigereye's and 215's chapters.

I had to read them backwards, though, because I've gotten used to it at this point.

[Olympion]

These mocks are awesome, the fact that this is an all-star effort really shines through

I can't believe this guy still hasn't given up on the whole "mighty oak" euphemism though

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Well what do you expect from a story that used to bite, now sucks and is eventually gonna blow?

Oh and the mock is incredible. I lost it at the Touji pic

[Al_Cone]

In the fanfiction mocking community, sexually based stories are considered especially heinous. On Project AFTER, the dedicated satirist who investigates these bastard brainchildren is a German philosopher with a keen talent for dismantling, dismembering and deconstructing such tales of woe known as Max-Vader. This is his chapter.



*******

Hey everybody, it's your favorite creepy weirdo again!



No, not him - though I suppose we're similar enough that there is little difference. Anyway, when Al asked me to participate in the public flogging of this tree-infested mess, I couldn't say no. It seems I currently have all the luck (all of it), because this chapter belongs to a category that just happens to be my speciality when it comes to mocking: creepy sex-shit. So let's start with the newest tale of everybody's least favorite sisterfucker, Shinji Ikari.

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 1:5 - Handcuffs Suck (and Chafe Too)!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 1:5 - Handcuffs Suck (and Chafe Too)!
Book 1: Sucks

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999
by Jim Lazar

A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that really
sucks.

You can say that again...

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva
=======================================================================

Oh... write your own warning about all the bad language and sex in this
fic, why don'cha?!

Okay.

"Warning: This fanfic contains attempts at humor so immature and stupid and laced with such childisish innuendo that if you happen to be a twelve-year old fratboy with brain damage, you're probably too mature for this fanfic. Jim Lazar will not be held responsible for any suicide attempts on your side. Also, plenty of cringe-worthy tree metaphors, mindless fucking, sister-fucking and general asshattery abound."

=======================================================================


"Stop it!" Shinji managed to blurt.

Rei glared back at Shinji. "Shut up! You're not the boss of me!!"

The man held out some bills. Before Rei could grab then, Shinji
did. "I said no!!"

Do you also get a feeling of Deja-vu?

Rei glared at Shinji a pulled back her arm. Then she stopped at
stared at his eyes for an eternity. Finally she dropped to her knees and
started to cry. "Why can't you just let me get this over with?"

Shinji looked down sadly at his sister, dropped down, and pulled
her into a hug. "It'll be okay, Rei. I'm here for you. Whatever it is
you're hiding, just tell me."

"I'm a man."
"...oh would you look at the time I gotta go!"

Before Rei could respond, she felt something cold on her wrist. She
looked up and saw that the man had attached a pair of handcuffs to one
of her wrists. "Hey! That's extra!!" she blurted out of habit.

It's funny because she's a cumslut.

Shinji flinched as he realized that Rei might have had a darker
past than he realized.

DERP.

Then he shuddered as he felt the other cuff
slapped around his wrist. "What the hell are you doing?"

The man stood up. "You really shouldn't have grabbed the money kid,
now you're both under arrest." He held out a badge.

"Shit, not again."

-E- -V- -A-

"Shinji's headed for the big house for sure this time!!" Asuka fell
to the floor of the theater and started laughing uncontrollably.

Prison rape is generally hilarious to Asuka.

Shinji ripped the remote control out of Asuka's hand. "You don't
have to keep watching that!"

"But since you erased the part where Kaji fucked me, this is the
next best thing."

<I just wish I could erase the events themselves and not just the
images of them.> Shinji glared at the naked redhead. "Why can't you shut
up!"

"I will when you fuck me!" Asuka invited him in by spreading her
legs.

Asuka, Asuka, Asuka. When will you finally get it? Shinji is not a man. He is not even a boy. He is a spineless insect. He couldn't even touch your butt without running away to cry in the shower for several hours afterwards while masturbating and screaming about his father.

Shinji's nose started to bleed when he saw the view spread out
before him. He looked away to avoid getting any more aroused.
Unfortunately, he looked over at Rei and Misato who, of course, were
also naked. His penis decided it appreciated the view.

"Hot damn! He's ready to do it finally."

Rei jumped forward and put herself between Shinji and Asuka. "No,
Shinji... you shouldn't."

"You'll get a dozen STDs at once!"

Shinji flinched. "I'm not going to fuck her!"

Asuka laughed. "That's not what your penis is saying."

"Shut up!"

"Make me!"

Deep Wang, anyone?

Shinji waved his hand and Asuka started to fade away.

"That doesn't solve anything!" Asuka said quickly before she faded
completely from view.

Shinji flinched at the comment, realizing that Asuka was right. He
turned back towards the viewpoint. "If I can't end that world, I've got
to do something to help them... but what?"

How does suicide sound?

Rei walked up behind Shinji and wrapped her arms around Shinji's
chest. "You must trust your other self to do the right thing." She
pressed her head against his back and sighed.

Shinji could feel her breasts against his back. The sensation
brought back memories of the kiss Rei had given him. <Why did she do
that?

"And why did she put my penis in her mouth afterwards and started sucking it? I honestly still don't understand it."

Can she really know what love is?> Since Rei didn't seem inclined
to bring it up, he decided to go back into his trance.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei and Shinji were being led out of the hotel by the police
officer who had arrested them.

"You can arrest me, but let Shinji go! He didn't do anything
wrong!" Rei pleaded.

"Save it, sister. You and your pimp can tell your sob story to the
judge," the police officer responded without hesitation.

Shinji flinched at being called Rei's pimp.

This. This is the point where this story loses all believability. If someone actually tried to convince themselves that Shinji could be anyone's pimp, their suspension of disbelief would snap harder than Jack Napier after looking in a mirror.

"He's not my pimp! He's my boyfr... err... brother!"

The police officer smirked. "Better get your story straight before
you see the judge, sister."

"He's my boyfriend!... He's my brother! He's my boyfriend! My brother, my boyfriend... he's my brother and my boyfriend!"

He guided the handcuffed teenagers over to
his car. "I've seen it all...

"After that little incident with the two girls and my coffee-cup, nothing can shock me anymore."

if he's not your pimp, then you're pulling
a scam to rip off your customers. Either way, you're going to jail."

Rei sighed and leaned over to Shinji. "I'm sorry you got wrapped up
in this, Shinji."

"You should be more sorry you even tried to sell yourself. You are
worth more than a few thousand yen!"

Rei frowned. "You think I should ask for more?"

Walked right into that one, Shinji. Also, stop making my jokes for me, fanfic.

Shinji almost choked on his tongue. "You stupid idiot! I meant you
shouldn't sell your body like that!"

"Oh. I'm sorry Shinji, but I had to do this to...."

"To what?"

To get off, probably. His toothpick just wasn't doing it for her anymore. Even creepy old men with premature ejaculation-problems were bigger studs than Shinji.

Rei looked down at her hands, ashamed. "It doesn't matter anymore.
After this, we probably won't be able to see each other again."

"Huh?"

"If I know my mom and grandmother, they'll pack up and move again.
Assuming we both don't end up in juvie for an extended stay, that is."

Shinji frowned. He hadn't even started thinking of the consequences
of being arrested.

Just don't drop the soap and you'll be fine. Not that you heeded that advice with Kaworu, eh, Shinji old sport?

He was more concerned about why Rei had done this
after having promised not to after their last run in with the law. "I'll
keep us together, somehow."

Rei smiled slightly at the love she heard in his voice. "That's
sweet, but maybe I can't handle being so close to you without being able
to *BE* with you."

"We'll find a way."

"Maybe if you fucked me with a strap-on, it wouldn't be incest."

"I'm sorry, Shinji, I don't think it'll work."

A part of Shinji died at that moment. The thought of never being
able to see Rei weighed heavily on his heart. He was numb inside when
the police officer pushed them into the back of his little unmarked car.

-E- -V- -A-

The police officer keyed some notes into the small terminal in his
car as he drove towards the police station. The flat screen on the
terminal displayed Shinji and Rei's names and addresses. He scrolled
down to the last line, which read,

"Warning: Can suck your dick clean off."

'Detain for questioning warrant
issued in Tokyo-3'. "Hmmmm..."

In the back seat, Shinji and Rei were pressed tightly together and
talking softly.

I think you meant something else by that-

"Rei, what did that letter mean? What is that Hasamoto guy going to
do to me?"

Rei frowned and looked away. "Don't worry... I'll take care of it.
There is no way I'll let you get hurt."

"Then tell me what's going on."

Rei risked looking into Shinji's eyes. "I can't... it's something I
don't want to get you involved in. Something... I don't want you to
know."

"Why?"

"Because I don't want to ruin your image of me."



Shinji flinched. <What could be that bad. Compared to what she's
already told me, what could possibly be worse?> Shinji took her hand,
the handcuffs that connected them rattling as he did so. "Rei, please
tell me. I've accepted you've had a pretty bad life so far. Nothing you
tell me will ever change how I feel about you."

No. I've made enough dickgirl-jokes. For now.

"Which is?"

"Huh?"

Rei looked down at her lap before answering. "What are your
feelings for me?"

"I love you. You know that. I've told you that."

"But... but... we can't be lovers."

Just because you love somebody doesn't mean you have to fuck them. And the reverse is also true.

Shinji sighed and clasped her hand tighter. "No... we can't. But I
still love you... no matter what."

Seriously, why not? Those two clearly have no morals or shame. Not to mention they have already boned each other, so what's a few more times gonna matter? It's not like anyone really cares about these characters.

Tears came to Rei's eyes and she leaned over and gave Shinji a
tender kiss.

"Hey!! Knock that out!!" the police officer shouted from the front
seat.

Rei and Shinji jumped apart, their faces flush with embarrassment.

"So much for your brother and sister story." The police officer
huffed and went back to driving.

Ahahahahaha...

"Sorry," Rei muttered, without looking at Shinji.

"No... it's okay. Now about that letter...?"

Rei sighed. "You'll hate me."

"No, I won't," Shinji said without hesitating.

Rei swallowed hard and slowly worked up the nerve to tell Shinji.
She avoided looking at him when she finally spoke. "Back when I lived
down here in Osaka-2, I had a boyfriend."

"YOU WHORE! HOW COULD YOU?!"

"That Hasamoto guy, right?"

Rei nodded. "Yeah... well things got pretty crazy at the end."

"He fisted me with all of his limbs at once. I still don't know how he pulled that one off."

Shinji could see the pain in her eyes as she said that. "You don't
have to talk about his causing your miscarriage if you don't want to..."

"That... was part of it, but what I ended up doing was..."

"Was?"

"Shinji, remember that I love you no matter what. Okay?"

"I do, Rei. Please just tell me."

"After I lost the baby... I was devastated. I loved it, even if it
was the baby of that.... that..."

"Koi pond-scum sucking Neanderthal?"

Just as Shinji had hoped, Rei smiled slightly. "You've met him?"

From puke-inducing melodrama to awful jokes in two seconds flat. Amazing.

Shinji chuckled.

"Anyway, I was growing fond of the idea of giving birth when I told
him about the baby and that's when... you know." She lowered her voice
further to avoid the police office hearing. "After I got out of the
hospital, I kind of snapped and... tried to kill him."

Shinji stammered out a question. "H... how?"

"I went over to his place while he was sleeping. I... stabbed him
with a knife and... did some other stuff."

This is not going into "Nekromantic"-territory, isn't it?

"Apparently he survived. Um... what other stuff?"

"Well... I carved some characters on his body and... tried to
remove a certain appendage."

Goddammit, just say dick. We're all adults here. Speaking of which, I find it hilarious that this dumbass can write about the most depraved shit imaginable without batting an eyelash, but when it comes to calling bodyparts what they are, THAT's simply too much. Think of the CHILDREN!

Shinji gulped and covered his groin. "He must be a pretty sound
sleeper to sleep though that."

Rei nodded. "He is, but he woke up right when I started cutting it.
I'd probably be in jail right now if I succeeded." She glanced at the
police office. "Alone."

Shinji shuddered at the picture that formed in his mind of her
doing that. "I'm... surprised he didn't press charges."

"Well... I think he was too embarrassed to show the evidence."

Or lack thereof. Bahohohoho!

"Evidence?"

"Well, let's just say I at least wanted to warn any girl who would
be foolish to sleep with him exactly what kind of man he was. So I
carved some very embarrassing characters on his body that expressed my
true feelings for him. I'm fairly certain they are still visible."

What? Details, we want details!

"Marked for life... that's not so bad. He deserved it."

"Maybe, but you don't."

Shinji gulped and went pale when he remembered the letter. "So...
that's what he meant when he wrote that he would do to me what you
started to do to him?" A certain oak tree shriveled up and tried its
best to hide itself inside Shinji's body.

Don't worry, he won't be able to hit it.

"Yes. I was trying to get some money to hire some people I know to
get him to leave us alone... but now... At least I don't think he can
hurt us if we're in jail."

"Rei... I... I wish you'd have trusted me to help you get out of
this. Hiring some thugs to beat him up wouldn't solve anything."

Yeah, but hiring some thugs to kill him would.

"I'm sorry..."

Shinji pulled Rei into a tight embrace. "Never think you have to
face these things alone... I'm always here for you."

Rei wiped a tear out of her eye and leaned in to kiss Shinji. She
didn't care about the police officer seeing them kiss anymore. But fate
had other ideas.

It looks like this is one of those authors who thinks of himself as the God of his fictional world again.

Suddenly, the car shook violently as the police officer slammed on
the brakes. "Shit!!"

The sudden stop caused Shinji and Rei to be thrown forward and hit
their heads on the back of the front seat. When they looked up they
gasped in unison at the giant purple foot that had appeared in front of
the car. On the side of the giant foot the Nike swoosh logo was
emblazoned.

This is just random. And random does not equal funny.

"What the..." Shinji craned his neck to look up the purple leg and
gasped when he saw the huge purple robot towering over them. "It's...
Unit One!!"

Rei gasped at the same time and blinked a few times in
astonishment. "I... I... can't believe it. The Evas aren't real!"

But sadly, this fanfic is.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji shook himself out of his trance and collapsed onto the
theater floor. "No... no... no..."

Rei knelt down and wrapped her arms around Shinji to comfort him.
"Shinji... what's happening?" She seemed even more startled by Unit
One's appearance than Shinji.

He's off his meds again.

"How the hell should I know! I tried to make sure that the Evas and
Angels would never be real again... I can't believe that world has
collapsed to the point where reality has intruded on it."

Misato strode up to him. "Really, Shinji? Why is that so
surprising?"

"Huh?"

"You made that world. Why wouldn't what you consider 'real' intrude
on it?"

That doesn't even begin to make sense. It's his goddamn fantasy. He controls it.

"Because I never wanted to see or touch another real Eva! I don't
want anything to do with those killing machines ever again!!"

"Then why did you put the V.R. Eva game in there?" Misato gestured
at the viewpoint.

"I... I... I don't know!" Shinji buried his head in his hands. "I
don't remember putting the V.R. game in there in the first place. I
can't figure out how that world got to this point from my original idea
for it. I..."

Rei handed him the storyboards containing the foundation for
Shinji's world. "Here. You can start over."

"Or just draw some more penises on it, that works too."

"I tried that last night, didn't I?"

"Yes, but your heart may have accepted it after we kissed."

Shinji blushed. "Well... err..."

Misato glared down at Shinji. "You kissed my daughter?"

You didn't give a shit about her until a few minutes ago. Don't act like you're any kind of mother to her. It may be a cliche to say that a family isn't tied together by blood but rather by their hearts, but it's true.

"Um... err... yes."

"No, I kissed him."

Misato seemed torn between having a talk with her daughter and
tearing Shinji a new one. Her concern for her daughter won out. "Rei, we
need to have a talk."

Oh, so she's gonna tell her about the Angels and the EVAs?

Misato pulled her daughter away.

Shinji watched then leave. He sighed and then looked back at the
viewpoint. "Damn... where the hell did that Eva came from?"

-E- -V- -A-

The foot moved away, strangely silent. Shinji had always imagined
that a real Eva would make an enormous amount of noise when it moved,
not to mention tearing up the pavement. Unlike the game Evas, this one
didn't.

The police officer threw the siren on and grabbed the hand mike.
"This is unit twenty-four. I am in pursuit of a giant purple robot." He
drove off in pursuit.

Oh, so that's where that shitty joke came from. Wait a minute, he was already ranting about purple robots in previous chapters. What's the timeline of this shit anyway? Do I even care? No.

The radio crackled. "Um... can you repeat that unit twenty-four?"

The police officer sighed. "You heard me. I am in pursuit of a
giant purple robot about twenty meters tall. It's headed southward on
Sakura street."

"Understood, we will dispatch additional units to assist you."
After a brief pause, the speaker continued. "Looks like old Anno's lost
it for good this time."

Oooh, look at me, I make fun of Hideaki Anno's mental problems! I'm sure nobody has ever done that before! Am I cool now, guys? GUYS!?

A second voice was heard over the radio. "Turn off your mike,
idiot!"

Officer Anno tried to ignore what he just heard and instead craned
his neck to try and see the top of the giant robot. "This is the
weirdest thing I've ever seen."

Rei leaned over to Shinji and spoke to him with a slight quiver in
her voice. "Shinji, how can a Eva be real like that?"

Because the author is an idiot.

"I... I just don't know, Rei. But I'll protect you no matter what."
He took her handcuffed hand and squeezed it to reassure her.

The car clipped the side of a Mercedes, causing Officer Anno to
lose control of the car. It skidded to a halt and crashed into a light
pole. Shinji and Rei looked up just in time to see the purple robot move
out of sight behind a tall building. "That is so strange how it doesn't
make any sound." Shinji looked around to make sure Rei was okay. "Rei?"

"I'm fine."

The police officer jumped out of the car and ran down to the corner
to see where the fleeing robot was headed.

Shinji looked around anxiously. "Um... Rei?"

"About that sex we were talking about earlier..."

"Yes, Shinji?"

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes, of course I do."

"I don't want to be separated from you."

"I know. But after this, I doubt we will be able to see each
other."

"I'm not so sure." Shinji grabbed Rei's handcuffed hand with his
own and pulled her towards the door the police officer had left open.
Since there wasn't a divider between the front and back seats, he
managed to get over the seat and outside without too much trouble. "I
won't let us be separated... ever."

Where's The Police when you need them? This SCREAMS for some "every breath you take".

"Shinji..."

Shinji pulled Rei into a tight embrace and gave her a deep kiss.
After the kiss, Rei just stared at Shinji with a stunned look on her
face. "Brother or not, I love you. I can't promise you much, but I can't
be happy without you."

"Without our painfully awkward humping, life just isn't worth living!"

Rei paused briefly, before coming to the same conclusion.
"Shinji... yes."

Shinji smiled broadly and then ran off into the night holding the
hand of his lover, who just happened to be his sister. But he was no
longer going to allow his father's stupidity fifteen years ago ruin his
happiness.

Yeah, fuck genetics!

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji collapsed to the floor of the theater again. "Dammit...
they're fugitives from the law again. This can't be happening."

"But it is. Guess you really love Rei, don'cha?."

Shinji flinched and looked up at Asuka. "Err... he does
apparently." He pointed a shaky finger at the viewpoint.

What, they're fucking already!?

"Fine... then I get you here." Asuka leaned down and gave Shinji a
long kiss. After the kiss ended, she casually wiped her mouth off. "Not
bad, Shinji, but you still have to work on not breathing when you kiss
if you want to do more with me." She winked and casually glanced down at
Shinji's 'reaction' to her kiss.

This whole chapter has been so goddamn unerotic, I'd rather be jerking off to Boa Sandersonia.

Actually, she's not too hard to look at anyway, now that I think about it...
...did I just say that out loud?

Shinji blushed and covered his reaction. He tried to act unaffected
when he spoke, but his voice changed pitch several times. "Asuka...
Where... did you come from?"

"You think you can keep me away forever, do you?"

"No, I guess not. Well, if it means anything to you... my perfect
world is in shambles."

it all came TUM-BUH-LING DOWN TUM-BUH-LING DOWN TUM-BUH-LING DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN~

"Told y..." Asuka trailed off and avoided saying the snappy
comeback that came to her lips. "I'm sorry, Shinji. You can make another
one, can't you?"

"Maybe..."

Asuka looked strangely at Shinji. <Why is he still hesitating about
ending that world?>

Yeah. You'd think after committing global genocide, ending some pathetic dream world of yours would be easy.

-E- -V- -A-

Misato knelt in a far corner of the theater with Rei, who was
kneeling in a very formal position. A position that Misato could never
duplicate. "Rei, why did you kiss Shinji?"

"Because I love him," Rei said without hesitation.

"Why do you think you love him?"

"Why do you love Mr. Kaji?"

Now ain't that the million Dollar question. Too bad nobody cares.

Misato was a little surprised at having her question turned around
by Rei. "Err... it's complicated. He..."

After a long rambling explanation by Misato, only parts of which
made sense, Rei nodded. "Those are the same reasons why I love Shinji."

Misato's face fell. "Huh? You can't love him for the same reasons
that I love Kaji for. Especially that finger thing that Kaji does to my
cl...

I think you're mixing up "love" with something else again...

Anyway... what are your reasons for loving Shinji?"

"The same as yours. I could ramble off the same series of
incoherent thoughts that you did, but in the end it's the same. I love
Shinji because I love him."

<Incoherent?> Misato frowned. "But... you have to have a reason."

"Because I love him."

Misato sighed. "But *WHY* do you love him."

It's an emotion bitch, don't question it. Seriously, love is not supposed to make sense.

Rei cocked her head. "Because..." Misato leaned forward in
anticipation of a different answer. "I love him."

Misato deflated like a tire rolled across a spiky-haired anime
character. "Rei... if you want me to treat your love for him seriously,
you have to at least be able to explain *WHY* you love him."

Though granted, there isn't really anything to love about Shinji. There is a lot to hate, however.

Rei opened
her mouth to speak again. "Without simply saying that you love him."
Rei's mouth closed again.

Rei seemed to think for several moments before she opened her mouth
again. "Do I have to be able to put it in words in order to love him?"

Misato thought about that for a moment. "No... but you have to at
least have something you yourself can point to and say 'that is why I
love him'."

If it has something to do with a tree, I will personally burn the rainforest down.

"Oh..." Rei paused and then looked at Misato. "I have plenty of
those."

Misato's jaw dropped again. "Well, then tell me."

Rei frowned. "I can't. I don't know how to verbalize it. It's a
feeling deep within me that makes me feel incomplete without him. When
he's near me, I feel whole and at peace. When he is troubled, I am
troubled. When he is sad, I am sad and want to make him happy.

"With my genitals."

When he
is happy, I am happy. Right now... I feel a longing to be near him. I
just don't know how to put that feeling into words. I'm sorry."

Misato just stared at her daughter for what seemed like an
eternity. Considering the nature of the theater and the post-Third
Impact world, maybe it was. "Rei... I think you just did."

You understand eternity about as well as that one guy in Brock's gym understood lightyears.

Rei thought back to her previous words. "But those words don't
really describe what I feel inside, they just touch the surface."

Misato smiled. "That's the nature of love. Sometimes it can't be
explained fully to other people, but I think you did a fine job."

"Thank you," Rei replied flatly.

Since she had never expected to have children, Misato never
expected to be in the position of talking to a daughter about love. She
took a deep breath and looked at Rei. "Now... when a man and woman love
each other, certain things happen and they usually wish to show their
love in physical ways."

You'd think a whore like Misato wouldn't have to resort to infantile euphemisms, but apparently not.

"Sex."

Misato gulped. "Yes, that is one way.

Misato, just because you use your mouth doesn't mean it isn't sex. Sorry, Bill lied to you.

But it's an important step
that shouldn't be rushed into."

"I've already told him that we have all the time in eternity."

Misato cracked a smile and looked around. "Yes, our situation here
does tend to make time seem irrelevant, doesn't it? What did you do last
night?"

"I kissed him and he kissed me back. It was most... stimulating."

You best stop this imbecilic spectacle right now knave, or I shall vent my anger by taking a few of our maiden's heads. Or their maidenheads, I suppose.

"Just kissing, huh?" Rei nodded. "Well, that's a good start. Why
did you suddenly kiss him last night?"

"Because Asuka dropped out. Until then, I thought Shinji might have
feelings for her."

"How do you know he doesn't?"

Rei seemed confused by the question. "I can tell."

She can smell fear, breathe pain, touch an end, eat joy and hear sorrow.

Misato decided to avoid another long never ending series of
questions about why she can tell. Instead, she decided it was as good as
time as any to explain the birds and the bees to her daughter.

Doesn't she already know that? I mean, they've been watching almost nothing but Shinji's porn fantasies the entire time.

Later,
she would come to regret that decision.

-E- -V- -A-

Officer Anno shot round after round into the giant purple robot.

A group of obviously drunk men were laughing and making rude
comments to the police officer. "Hey, you can't kill no... hic... giant
purple robot with a little itty bitty gun like that!"

"Yeah!!! Don'cha know you need a bazooka or a big laser canon to
battle giant robots?"

"Don't forget the secret giant robot the government always seems to
find at the last minute to save the world."

"Yeah... hic... gotta find the secret hideout of the evil scientist
and use the prototype robot to battle the purple one he's using to take
over the world!"

"What color would that one be?"

Auburn-vienna.

"Salmon pink."

"What!! What kind of... hic... color is that for a giant robot...
it's got to be a cool color like red... or maybe blue."

"Ick... Moss green would be better."

"You're color blind..."

"So... wassa ya gonna to do about it!"

The drunk just stared at his friend for a few seconds before puking
all over him.

Which is precisely how I feel about this story.

"Hey!!"

"You know what?"

"What?"

"That's a nice color on you."

"Shut up!"

Officer Anno reloaded his gun and fired off another round. He
briefly wondered if he could spare a few bullets on the drunks.

Looks like he isn't so stupid after all.

The pukee studied the position of the policeman and the robot for a
few seconds. "Hey, don't the little policemen usually get crushed by the
giant robots when they try to shoot them?"

The puker gasped. "Yeah! Let's get out of here!"

"No! I want to see him get squished." The two drunks looked over at
the policeman.

"You need a bigger gun?!"

I need to kill fast, and bullets too slow!

Officer Anno reloaded his gun again and tried to ignore the drunks
in vain.

"You call that a weapon? I'll show you a real weapon." The man
pulled down his pants and exposed himself. His weapon was quite...
impressive until the giant purple foot came down on top of him.

The police officer continued to blaze away. He smiled in triumph
when the robot started to collapse. Then the shadow from the collapsing
robot encased him in darkness. A look of pure horror appeared on his
face and he started to run, but he was quickly covered by the body of
the giant purple robot and pressed into the pavement.

This would be more gratifying if the story in which the creator of Evangelion was messily stomped upon by his own creation were not markedly worse than Evangelion itself.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei cowered in a dark alley under some cardboard boxes. Shinji kept his eyes peeled for signs of trouble although he couldn't
really see anything from where he sat.

"Shinji?"

Shinji looked down at the girl he held tightly in his arms. "Yes?"

"You realize there's no going back now, don't you?"

"If you get me preggers, promise you won't ditch me, okay!?"

"I know. It may have been impulsive, but I just can't stand the
thought of being separated from you. We can't get married or anything...
but we can live together."

"I love you, Shinji."

Shinji leaned down to kiss Rei. "Yes, I do too." As his lips
touched hers, the sky opened up and rain started to pour down on them.

Thanks, Poseidon. I knew converting to the ancient Greek religion waas the best decision I'd ever make.

The kiss forgotten, they awkwardly got to their feet and ran off to find
some shelter without being caught or spotted by anyone. Considering they
were still handcuffed together, that might prove to be an impossible
task.

-E- -V- -A-

Police cars screeched to a halt and police officers in uniforms
swarmed out of them. They ran through the rain and towards the fallen
robot, searching for casualties. Suddenly, a movement caught their eye
and they pointed. "Look, over there!"

A three-headed monkey!

They ran to the edge of the giant just as Officer Anno crawled out
from under it. "Damn, that was close."

"You okay?" one of the other officers asked while holding out his
hand.

Officer Anno took the offered hand and stood up. "Yeah. Guess one
of my bullets hit it."

"Probably several. But the people who lost the balloon aren't going
to be happy."

Officer Anno smiled weakly. "Balloon? I thought..." He looked back
at the robot and was a little surprised to see a large expanse of purple
fabric instead of a large purple robot.

Speaking of which, how come nobody else saw the damn thing?

"What? You thought it was a real robot?" on of the cops said,
trying not to laugh.

"Yeah... sort of. It looked pretty impressive."

The other officer stifled a laugh. "We just got a report that it
got away from some game center downtown as they were inflating it for
the final days of some big game tournament. They won't be happy that you
shot it."

"It was self defense."

That's what OJ said, too.

The officer couldn't hold back the laughter anymore. "Yeah... sure.
Whatever."

-E- -V- -A-

Officer Anno stepped out of the police car that had driven him back
to his car. "Shit." He looked into the car and then scanned the area.
"They took off."

"You didn't lock the car?"

"I was sort of in shock at seeing the giant robot and all."

"Well, you got their names, so we can put out an arrest warrant for
them."

"Actually, there's already a detain for questioning warrant out for
them in Tokyo."

"Really? Damn shame that two young kids like that have to end up in
jail."

"They are hardly good kids. They'll get what they deserve."

Let's hope so.

-E- -V- -A-

The next morning, Hikari, Touji, and Kensuke stood in the entrance
to the Eva center, looking very worried and nervous. Hikari was next to
Touji and as far away from Kensuke as she could be. She was also
avoiding any and all eye contact with him.

Kensuke for the most part, was enjoying watching some crumbs on the
floor to avoid looking at Touji. Just being so close to Touji made him
shake in his army boots.

Why? If Hikari is such a brainless bimbo that she can't tell the two apart, it's her fault.

The only thing keeping Kensuke from running as
far away from Touji as he could get was the Eva championships. He and
Hikari had sworn never to tell anyone that they had ended up in bed
together the night before. And they were definitely not going to mention
what happened while they were in bed together.

While Kensuke's main concern for not wanting anyone to find out was
that he didn't want Touji to kill him, Hikari's reason was deeper.

Three inches deeper, to be exact. Ha!

She
was devastated that she lost her virginity to Kensuke and not Touji. She
had been so distraught that she cried most of the night and hadn't even
noticed that Rei didn't return to the room that they shared until Asuka
came to pick them up for breakfast.

Hikari looked at her watch for the millionth time that morning.
"Where could they be?"

Touji shrugged his shoulders. "I don't know. Shinji didn't come
back to our new room last night."

He did however come somewhere else.

Hikari and Kensuke visibly flinched.

Trying not to let her voice show the shame she felt inside, Hikari
spoke. "You could have told me you guys moved to a new room!"

"Yeah!!" Kensuke blurted.

Touji frowned at their unusual concern over the switched rooms.
"Well... I'm so sorry that Shinji backed up the plumbing! Kensuke found
the new room eventually. And I'm sorry I missed our date, Hikari."

Oh the hilarity. The teeth-grinding hilarity.

Hikari clenched her teeth. <If you knew what happened you'd really
be sorry. Because of you I... I...>

Any further conversation about the events of the previous night was
interrupted when Asuka stormed into the Eva center. "They are still not
at the hotel! And I can't reach either of their parents in Tokyo-3."

"I'm starting to get worried," Hikari said.

"Yeah..." the two boys agreed.

"So what do we do about the Eva game today?" Kensuke mentioned.

Because that's all that matters. It's like this worlds aequivalent (hurrdurr yooropean spelling) of Blitzball.

Asuka sighed. "I don't think we can win with just the four of us.
What the hell could have happened to those two? Shinji really pisses me
off sometimes. If he had been more assertive, what happened last
night..." She trailed off to avoid talking about last night.

A leer appeared on Touji's face. "Did something happen with you and
Shinji last night?"

Asuka smashed her purse over Touji's head. "NO!!" Inside she wished
that it had been Shinji. <Hell, I'd rather fuck Kensuke than that old
fossil Misato's dating... although I guess he's kind of cute.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL SITUATIONAL IRONY IS THE BEST KIND OF HUMOR LOLOLOLOLOLOL

And it did
feel great. The feeling of his hands on my breasts. The heat from
his...> She unsuccessfully tried to hide the blush that appeared on her
face.

Touji smirked as his suspicions seemed to have been confirmed. <I
bet they did it... and Shinji was so freaked at his lame performance he
ran off to join the circus.

That actually sounds both more interesting and more in character than all of this. Why aren't we reading that fanfic?

Damn, Shinji beat me to it then. Well, I'll
be next for sure.>

While Touji was jumping to all the wrong conclusions, one of the
Eva tournament organizers approached them. She was a teenager just
slightly older than they were. "Dark Eva Knights? Your match is
scheduled for two o'clock this afternoon in Central Dogma.

You see, it's called like that place in Evangelion. So clever, lurpy-durpy-derp.

You can use
the entry plugs in launch bay five until one o'clock for training if you
like."

Hikari nodded. "Thank you. Um... a couple of our players are
delayed. Is it possible to get a later start time if they don't show
up?"

The girl shook her head. "No, 'fraid not. You'll have to either
forfeit, use two more drones, or you can add replacements for the two
drones you are already using.

I suggest a blow-up doll and a limp sausage. Can't get any worse of a performance than the one Shinji and Rei give anyway, now can you?

But those replacements will have to play
the rest of the tournament matches."

"I see... thank you." Hikari looked back at the gang, except for
Kensuke. "Guess we'll have to use drones if they don't show up."

Asuka fumed. "We'll be massacred! We've barely managed to win so
far using two drones... four? Even an inexperienced pilot would be
better."

"Okay, you brats... we're leaving!"

They all looked around to see a very angry Misato in the doorway. A
very tired looking Kaji hobbled up behind her. His legs were bowed, as
if he was very sore between his legs. Considering the number of times
Asuka had kicked him there the night before, he was lucky to be standing
at all.

How do you not notice you're fucking an underage girl? Even in complete darkness, you'd have to be on the level of "can't find his own ass with both hands" in order for that to happen. I mean, hello? The lack of boobs and the fact that her vagina didn't resemble the grand canyon should have sort of tipped you off that it's not Misato.

Hikari was the first to speak. "Miss Katsuragi?"

"You heard me. This little trip is cancelled. We're going back to
Tokyo-3."

Asuka avoided looking at Kaji. "Why? What's wrong? Did something
happen to Shinji and Rei?"

Christ, I certainly hope so.

The others all added their concern after Asuka's question.

Misato glared at Asuka, but answered. "They had some... problems
last night. As far as I know they are okay. I just talked to their
parents and they indicated it was unlikely that they would be playing
your little games with you anymore."

"What's going on?" Hikari asked, worried.

Something filthy I'm sure.

"Their parents are heading down here now and asked me not to go
into details. That's all I can tell you."

-E- -V- -A-

Later, the gang ate lunch near the train station while they waited
for their train back to Tokyo-3. Misato was in another booth yelling at
Kaji for something that he did last night. Only Asuka knew what that
was, but she wasn't about to spill the details.

"What could that guy have done that made her so mad?" Kensuke
asked, watching Misato's breasts bounce with each shout.

Seriously, how obsessed with women can you be? Yeah, boobs are awesome and all, but isn't there anything else that can draw your attention besides them?

"How would I know!!" Asuka blurted, then blushed and sunk into her
seat.

The others looked a bit oddly at her, but then went on with their
lunch conversation.

Looks like nobody here has a clue about anything in this story.

Asuka looked around when she heard a train whistle. "Damn... we
should have kept the plane tickets. I hate trains."

Hikari sighed. "Well, if SOMEONE wouldn't have lost half the
tickets-" She glared at Touji. "-then we wouldn't have had to exchange
the remaining tickets for cheaper train tickets."

"I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what happened to the tickets." Touji
absently glanced at his bag where his new night-vision binoculars were
stashed. By some sort of amazing coincidence, they cost about the same as
three round trip airplane tickets would cost. Go figure.

He could have just dipped into Rei's suckfund if he were that desperate.

"What are you looking at, Touji?" Hikari asked.

Touji changed the subject suddenly. "Damn, I hope Shinji is
alright."

"Me too. You know... I still wish we didn't have to give up the
championships." Kensuke looked longingly at the binder that he kept all
his Eva specs and game materials in. His gaze moved to a waitress who
was bending over nearby. His eyes silently shifted between his two
current passions: Eva and girls. He caught sight of Hikari's glare and
quickly looked at the hamburger on his plate to avoid getting aroused.
<Hmmm... the slit between the patties looks a little like...> He
absentmindedly prodded the patties with a knife.

OH COME ON! When it comes to unreasonable amounts of horniness, this guy is making me look like Monkey D. Luffy!

Hikari huffed. <What is with that boy? Checking out other girls
when he has me...> She almost choked on her tongue at the disturbing
thought. <What am I saying!!> She tried to hide the blush that came to
her face.

Touji finally reached a conclusion about what he thought they could
do. "You know guys... Kensuke is right. I don't know what's going on
with Rei and Shinji, but I think they'd hate it if we just gave up on
the championships."

Is there anything more uninteresting than those?

"But how can we possibly win with just the four of us?" Asuka
asked.

"We can't." Touji's eyes drifted towards Kaji and Misato.

Asuka was the first to protest. "No way!! I won't play with..." She
caught herself just in time from mentioning Kaji and the string of
expletives that's always came to mind when she thought or looked at him.
"...amateurs like those."

Kensuke seemed to consider this. "They might be better than drones
and Misato does know how to handle a joystick pretty well."

Sigh... this is just desperate. I have nothing against dick jokes - heck, I freaking love No More Heroes - but this is a truly pathetic display.

A very vivid
image formed in Kensuke's mind of Misato servicing his 'joystick'.

Touji frowned. "Huh? How do you know that?"

"Um... I heard her talking once."

Touji grinned broadly. "I bet she's has lots of experience with
them, but not the ones you use for Eva." He winked.

You see, even the idiot got it.

"You idiot!! That's not what Kensuke meant!" Hikari glanced at
Kensuke. <At least it had better not be what he meant. If he let someone
else touch it...> Hikari again had to scold herself for thinking like
Kensuke was her boyfriend. <Get a hold of yourself girl... Touji's your
boyfriend, not Kensuke!>

Well, it seems I got my answer what's more uninteresting than the Eva-fighting here: The love-triangles.

"It's either play with them, play with just the four of us and four
drones, or go home and live with the whole school calling us quitters."
Touji hoped that last statement would energize her team.

"Hey! Who said we quit! Shinji and Rei maybe, but not me!"

"Me either!"

"I can see the logic of having human players, even inexperienced
players, that we can instruct on where their services are needed the
most. Drones just fire blindly at the enemies and would be useless if
one of us needed assistance. At least with human players we can form
some tactical plans that may give us a slight edge over our
competitors."

Yeah, it's not like your enemies are humans too - oh.

After Kensuke's longwinded response, the other three looked at him
for a few heartbeats before Hikari spoke. "We'll take that as a yes."

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka lopped off Kaji's head with a long pike. She grinned as she
saw his corpse crash to the ground. She embedded the pike in his groin
and twisted it.

"Asuka!! Why did you do that?!" Hikari screamed from her entry
plug.

What? It's not like they can feel any pain. Because that would make the game even more fucked up.

Asuka flinched. She had let her anger over what Kaji did to her,
and put in her, the night before get the better of her. "I just wanted
him to get the taste of what the weapons are capable of if he's not
careful."

That seemed to appease Hikari for the moment. "Just don't do it in
the real game. Now, we only have another hour in these entry plugs for
training so let's start on some tactics."

"I think Misato's still trying to get the basics down," Asuka
mentioned and looked over at Misato in her red Eva Unit five. At the
moment it was running full speed, but since it was wedged into a crack
in a wall it wasn't going anywhere fast.

Hikari sighed. <We're doomed.>

Again, I wish.

She looked over and saw that Kaji
had regenerated. "Okay, Kaji, remember that you don't regenerate in
tournament play. You get killed and you're no use to us."

"Yeah.... whatever. Do I really have to do this?" Kaji said, slowly
walking across the battlefield. He seemed to have walking mastered until
he tripped over a tanker truck. Both the truck and Kaji's Eva were
engulfed in a huge fireball.

Hikari and Asuka sighed in unison.

ZOMG ROFLLOL SO WACKY!

-E- -V- -A-

"I still don't know why we have to do this, Honey," Kaji said,
trying to be as charming as possible. "This is very dangerous for a man
in my position. I could easily be seen by the press or..."

Misato sighed. "Well, it's your own fault for fucking that little
redhead last night! Look before you fuck next time!!"

She's one to talk.

"I'm sorry... I thought you had a room alone."

"You are such a moron..."

"Yes, dear."

Asuka stormed up to Kaji and Misato. "You guys had better be better
than that in the real game, or I will cut your head off for real!!"

"That's no way to talk about adults!" Misato scolded her student.

More like horny brain-damaged teenagers in adults bodies.

Asuka glared at Misato. "Look... I don't like this either, but I
want to win this championship and that means we need some players who
can take orders."

"Yes, but..." Kaji's complaint was quickly silenced by Asuka's next
statement.

"But nothing! If you don't, then the story about a certain mayoral
candidate fucking a pure and innocent teenager will be all over the
news."

Pure and innocent... heh. That might be the first slightly funny joke in this, even though it was unintended.

"You wouldn't..."

"I would." The look Asuka gave them indicated she wasn't bluffing.

-E- -V- -A-

"So, the man inserts his penis and rocks back and forth to
stimulate the clitoris and his own penis?"

Insert Tab A into Slot B.

"Yes."

"I see. What happens next?"

Crying in the shower.

"Orgasm."

"I see. "

"Well, actually, you usually can't see much during that since the
feeling is so intense that you usually shut your eyes at the sensation.
Actually, I blacked out entirely once back in college, but that might
have been due to the dru..."

"Is it that painful?"

"Yes and no. Your first time will usually be painful, but if he
does it right, it'll end in ecstasy."

Yeah. I don't even know why people want orgasms when they can hurt like shit. Oh wait, they don't. You're confusing orgasms with deflowering, dumbass.

"Can you show Shinji how to do it right then?"

"Rei!!"

"What?"

"Now, I'm not saying you should, but don't you want Shinji's and
your first time to be the same?"

"Yes."

"Well, then I can't really show him, can I?"

Bah, with some hand-crotch coordination, it'll work. Remember Misato, it's not gay if it's in a three-way. Unless you're all the same gender, then it IS gay.

"No, I guess not. Can you at least explain it to him?"

Sweat dripped form Misato's forehead. "I'll... think about it, Rei.
But I'll have to take some time to recover from this talk first."

Translation: Masturbate furiously.

"I understand," Rei said calmly.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei huddled together in an old warehouse. Rainwater
seeped through holes in the roof and splashed all around them. They sat
in an office overlooking the warehouse floor, shivering from the cold
breeze that assaulted their exposed skin. Shinji's pants, Rei's
halter-top, and her skirt hung nearby drying.

From the stains.

Shinji's shirt hung on the
chain of the handcuff, since he couldn't take it all the way off with
the cuffs on.

"Are they dry yet?" Rei asked.

Shinji reached up and felt the pants and skirt. "Nope." He sat back
down and drew Rei back into his arms. They squirmed a bit, trying to
find a position that both of their arms were comfortable. The handcuffs
didn't make this easy. "Ouch..." he grabbed his wrist and rubbed it.

"Sorry."

Shinji shook his head. "No, it's not your fault. The cuff is
chafing me."

"When the rain stops and it gets darker, I know someone who can get
us out of them."

Why am I not surprised?

Shinji looked at her appraisingly and idly fingered a strand of
hair with his free hand. "You've had a rough life, haven't you?"

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Aug 6 2011, 08:24 PM

[Al_Cone]

"Yes..." She snuggled closer to him. "...but it's looking better."

"Um... being on the run from the law is better?"

"If it's with you, it is."

Shinji smiled. He leaned down and kissed Rei. Using his un-cuffed
hand, he caressed her face as their tongues danced with each other.

That is even by the loosest definition definitely not "dancing".

After the kiss ended, Shinji casually started to pull back from
Rei.

Rei wasn't willing to stop at a kiss. "No..." She pulled Shinji
back to her and started nibbling on his neck. She worked her way down
his chest and then looked for an oak tree in his shorts. She found it
without any trouble.

"Hi, I'm Harold. The tree's name is Bob."

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition:
chafe v. 1 make or become sore or damaged by rubbing 2 make or become
annoyed; fret

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st
edition:
chafe v. 1 make or become sore by having Shinji's penis inside me 2 make
or become annoyed because Shinji won't pop my cherry

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd
edition:
chafe v. 1 ain't going to happen, Asuka 2 make or become annoyed with
Asuka's constant nagging and yelling

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by
her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother:
chafe v. 1 foreplay will help to lubricate the vagina to prevent chafing
2 make or become annoyed if Shinji even thinks of touching my daughter

Excerpt from "Max-Vader's Guide to the seedy underbelly of the internet":
running gag 1. (normal usage) a joke that stays funny or gets funnier when you see it again 2. (internet reviews) something not funny that the reviewer thinks is hilarious and should be used over and over again (see also: Dr. Insano) 3. (fanfictions) pointless unfunny bullshit (see also: Mind of Mencia)

-E- -V- -A-

"Whoopie... their second time," Asuka said flatly. "It'd be a lot
more interesting if he'd fuck me now. Variety is the spice of life, you
know."

But not variety in STDs, like I said.

She examined the rather intense scene on the viewpoint. She
suddenly tilted her head to follow the action.

Rei tilted her head as well, but in the opposite direction for some
reason. "I don't think he will do that."

Asuka looked over to Rei and frowned. "What are you doing?"

Rei looked up from the notepad she was taking notes in. "Just doing
some research."

"Research?"

Just say "porn".

"For when I have sex with Shinji."

Asuka's jaw dropped. "Huh? Don't tell me you're actually going to
collect on our bet?"

Rei shook her head. "No. My mother suggested I have sex with
Shinji."

Asuka raised an eyebrow. "I doubt that. You're probably reading too
much into something innocent she said."

"She said two people in love should have sex."

Immediately. Like wild jackrabbits.

"Ha! Well, Shinji loves me, so you're out of luck."

"No, he doesn't."

Asuka looked back at the viewpoint where Rei has Shinji's oak tree
firmly under control. "If you're so sure that he loves you, then why
don't you try doing what your other self is doing right now?"

"Should I?"

It might make this less boring. But I doubt it.

"Yeah... I'm sure Shinji would love it." Asuka started to laugh,
since she knew Rei would never do something like that. <Would she?>

-E- -V- -A-

A pair of handcuffs rattled in the tiny office. A pair of panties
arced through the air. A pair of boxers followed soon after. And finally
a bra slid down a slender arm and dangled from the aforementioned
handcuffs.

Shadows of two people in love danced on the wall. Despite sharing a
father, they were brother and sister no more. They were lovers, through
and through.

Those two aren't mutually exclusive. Consider Farnese and Serpico, my favorite characters of that type. Though their relationship got a lot more sane after a while.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji snapped out of his trance and looked around confused.
"What's that odd sensation?" He caught sight of Asuka, who was several
meters away and looking at him with a shocked look on her face. "What's
wrong, Asuka?"

"Look down, you idiot!!"

Shinji looked downwards. His jaw dropped and his eye started to
twitch uncontrollably when he saw what Rei was doing to his mighty oak.

If I have to read "mighty oak" one more time, I will murder something.

"Rei..." he gasped, but it was barely audible. A warm feeling rushed up
his body that was most... pleasurable.

Rei continued her... activity while Asuka looked on horrified and
strangely aroused. <I never thought the clone would really do it... she
is so weird.>

Shinji shuddered and then swallowed in order to clear the lump in
his throat. "Rei... please stop."

When confronted with a woman putting her mouth on your penis, begging for her to stop is not the masculine thing to do. He is such a fucking spineless whiny pansy.

Rei pulled back, swallowed, and looked up at Shinji. "Huh? Asuka
said you'd like it."

Shinji glared at Asuka. "Well, Asuka was making a bad joke." He
waved her hand to dismiss her.

Asuka vanished from the theater, not happy about being forced to
leave just when things were getting interesting.

"So you didn't like it?"

Shinji blushed. "Err... um... yeah, I guess it was nice, but I
don't think... that... you know... it's not the right time... well..."

It's never the right time with this guy. I mean Jesus, he couldn't even enjoy himself if he tried.

"So, I should continue then?" Rei made to resume her task, but
Shinji stopped her.

"No..." Shinji helped Rei to her feet and looked at her eyes.
"Um... maybe you should talk to your mother about this."

"I did. She said that two people in love use sex to express their
love."

But I'm sure she said nothing about handjobs. Or maybe she did.

Shinji blushed. "I know you think you love me, but... I don't know
how to respond to that." He cringed at the outcome of the last person...
the only other person to tell him that they loved him. <Why did you put
me in that situation, Kaworu? Why...>

What is he implying...? Ew.

A tear came to Rei's eye. "So you hate me?"

Shinji gasped. "No... of course not. I... just don't know what to
make of all this. Everything has gotten so weird suddenly."

"Here or in your perfect world?"

"Both." Shinji let out a long sigh and dropped to the floor and sat
cross-legged.

It's Evangelion; it's always weird.

"Um... I have to talk to my mother." Rei looked confused as she
scurried off leaving Shinji alone.

Shinji plopped down onto his back and looked at the ceiling. After
starring at it for something short of an eternity, he spoke. "We have
GOT to paint that damn ceiling!!"

Oh look, another "clever" joke about the show.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji slid off Rei, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "I love
you, Rei."

Rei smiled peacefully. "I've missed your touch."

"Yeah... I still feel awkward doing it with my sister, but..."

NO SHIT.

"I could tell. It was still great." Rei gave Shinji a long kiss and
then tried to locate her panties.

Suddenly, they were bathed in bright light from outside followed by
the sounds of a helicopter hovering nearby panning a searchlight around
the overcast area.

Shinji looked around. "What the?"

An amplified voice came from outside the warehouse. "Come out with
your hands up. We have you completely surrounded!!"

All this for prostitution? What is this, the War on Poon?

"It's the cops!!" Rei stood up suddenly and looked around. "This
way!!" She grabbed Shinji's handcuffed hand and ran towards the back
door.

Within a few seconds, they were outside and running down a back
alley.

Shinji finally managed to say something. "Rei, we forgot our
clothes!!"

DERP.

Rei looked down at their naked bodies and laughed. "You look great,
don't worry about it."

Shinji couldn't help laughing at the situation he found himself in:
Running naked down the street handcuffed to his half-sister who he had
just had the greatest sex imaginable with. Well, it was only his third
time, so he still had a lot to learn. Handcuffs were for beginners,
after all.

Everyone knew professionals used leather straps.

Sure, take sex-advice from the guy who writes Evangelion fanfics.

-E- -V- -A-

Next door to the warehouse that Shinji and Rei had just run out of,
the cops swarmed into another old warehouse and busted up the drug lab
housed within.


[End - Garden of EVA 1:5 - Handcuffs Suck (and Chafe Too)!]
=======================================================================

Author's notes/ramblings:

[INSERT A BUNCH OF POINTLESS HORSESHIT HERE]

Well, wasn't that fun. Indeed, it wasn't at all. Now if you excuse me, I have to touch some underage mermaids.

[Max-Vader]

Ah, good to see it finally released. Just one thing, though: "Oh... write your own warning about all the bad language and sex in this fic, why don'cha?!" wasn't inserted into the fanfic by me. Hard to believe, but Jim Lazar actually wrote that.

PS: The one responsible for the sky and the rain is Zeus, not Poseidon.

PPS: Oh, and props on the Law and Order: SVU-reference.

This post has been edited by Max-Vader: Aug 7 2011, 03:18 AM