Passion Night: A Harry Potter fanfic, Gay Furries, now with 5000% more semen, because you all love this crap Options

[Paragon]

Hey, everyone, guess what I found in the anals of FF.net today?! Just came across this glorious turd when browsing for stories that I knew would make good mock material. The place I got it from? The Harry Potter section, one of the best places to get bad sex fics, of course! This is just a oneshot, though, so don't expect a second post from this thread.

Hi welcome to my next story it is really really good I promise

(She does not make good on this promise.)

You won't be sad when you read it

(Well, I’m certainly not happy about it, either.)

because its good. if you like Reunited you will like this and if you not like Reunited you will still like this. Be nice.

(HOW ABOUT NO.)

Passion Night

Sirius and Lupin was on the bed and they was both naked.

(Yeeehaw! Southern lobsterbacks! I tell you hwhat, we are in for a shindig, my friends! I say, we are gon’ have more fun den stickin yer hand in a catfish’s mouth!)

Sirius was a dog form

(Already in his otherkin costume, I see.)

and Lupin was on the bed

(As stated before.)

and Sirius as the dog was licking Lupin balls and Lupin loved it.

(Your precious pooch will absolutely love the new Lupin ™ Balls! Fun for the whole family!)

"OH GOD SIRIUS THAT FEELS GOOD!" Lupin shouted.

(Does anyone ever shout stuff like this while being fellated by a dog?)

Sirius barked happily and continued to lick and Lupin screamed louder and louder and louder.

(He screamed so loud, he broke both his and Sirius’ eardrums, as well as tearing into their temporal lobes and they both died of brain damage.)

A few minutes later he came all over the place

(What an effective paint technique. Everywhere, you say? Well, my good sir, you may need to get a few things checked out to make sure your sexual equipment is functioning because YOU’D HAVE TO HAVE AN EXTRA 50 POUNDS OF SEMEN SOMEWHERE ON YOUR PERSON, BECAUSE DEAR GOD A MAN CANNOT POSSIBLY HOLD THAT MUCH JIZZ.)

and covered Sirius as the dog in jizz. Sirius drinked what he could

(Semen does not taste good. At all.)

and then transform back into a man.

"That was sooooo awesome" Lupin said.

(Omg, wasn’t that like so kawaii, serious? U so suteki at getting my cock to go doki-doki! My semen totally tastes like honey and prunes, like omg.)

"I know" Sirius said.

(I know, right, like sooooooo good!)

Then they had lube and it was very good and fun for them.

(Until they realized the lube was, in fact, Gorilla Glue.)

But this time Lupin did lube with Sirius instead of other way around.

(What a twist!!)

When Sirius finally scream happily and louder and louder and louder and Lupin drank all the jizz he could

(Which happened to be about 2 miligrams.)

they stopped and lay on the bed.

(Just a normal day for a pair of gay lovers in the Harry Potter universe.)

"Are you ready for the real fun tonight?" Lupin asked.

Sirius smile. "Oh yeah"

"Its time for the passion night" Lupin said.

(Oh, I was wondering when we’d get a little context about that title! God, author, you do know how to utilize symbolism with every word you type.)

Lupin got up and turned out the lights and put on the candles and put on the sexy music.

(I imagine the Macaron Shacaron guy.)

Sirius smile and got ready. He turned around and waited. Lupin was happy and he shoved his 10 inch dick up Sirius butt.

(That was a perfect, perfect example of IKEA erotica, author. The anatomical impossibility of having a ten inch penis, which is about long as my forearm, by the way, is a real enhancement.)

"OH GOD LUPIN THAT FEELS GREEEEEEEEEEAT!"

(“Having my rectum cleaned by your cock feels GREEEEEEEEEEAT.”)

Sirius shouted. "MOVE FASTER!"

(“Faster, you worthless whore!”)

Lupin did what Sirius want

(And got in the kitchen and made sandwiches.)

and Sirius started moaning a lot more and more because it felt really really good.

(Yep, anal sex sure is great and not painful with this much manmeat at all!)

Lupin was moaning to but not as loud as Sirius.

(He was all screamed out from before when he kept shouting louder and louder and louder.)

"COME ON BABY !" Sirius shouted.

(“Come on baby, I’ve got 10 grand on Sphincter Shredder! Come on, come onnnnn!!! OH, FUCK YOU, HORSE.)

"IF I GO ANY FASTER WE WILL BE AT HYPER SPEEEEEED!"

(APPROACHING CRITICAL SPEED, APPROACHING CRITICAL SPEED, THE BUTTHOLE CAN’T TAKE THIS KIND OF PRESSURE!!! *And then Sirius’ anus, not being prepared for this overfill of cock, exploded, and he was never able to have kawaii butt-sexu again.*)

Lupin shouted trying not to moan while he shouted.

Sirius was enjoying it lots when suddenly Lupin stopped a little.

(Not a lot, just…a little.)

Sirius was sad

(But not a lot of sad, just…a bit.)

but then he saw that Lupin was changing very quickly.

(Into HIS otherkin costume.)

It was a full moon night

(No, it was a passion night.)

and Lupin was changing into the werewolf and Sirius saw this but he didn't move.

(How did he see it? He’s facing away from Lupin. Unless Lupin has a prehensile penis.)

He felt Lupin dick get even bigger and go further and further into Sirius butt and he moaned even louder. and louder and louder and louder.
Lupin stopped transforming right in the middle of the change, leaving him a half-furry and started moving faster again but he was still the werewolf.

(Oh, ok, I had assumed he’d change back immediately after transforming, thanks for clarifying, author.)

"!" Sirius shouted as Lupin as the werewolf moved faster.

(I love the mental image of someone shouting “Exclamation point!!!” when they get penetrated.)

Lupin barked like a werewolf

(Because you have to clarify how a werewolf barks.)

in answer and moved even faster than before

(APPROACHING HYPERSPEED.)

and pushed himself as far as he could into Sirius butt.

(MACH-SPEED HUMPING.)

" YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Sirius shouted.

(I don’t need to insert that M. Bison clip in here, do I? Nahh.)

Sirius came and jizz squirted everywhere

(AGAIN??)

and covered the bed and the floor and Lupin tripped on all the jizz and broke his neck when he fell. Sirius, whose intestines were being occupied by Lupin’s dick, were subsequently pulled out of Sirius butt and as the werewolf drank all the jizz he could get.

(Greedy bastard.)

Then Sirius transform into the dog and Lupin got behind Sirius as the dog and shoved his dick inside Sirius as the dog butt.

(We know he’s Sirius. You don’t need to keep telling us that he’s in dog form. Also, GAY DOGS ARE BUTTFUCKING EACH OTHER.)

"!" Sirius as the dog barked out as Lupin as the werewolf went faster and faster.

(Any faster, and there is going to be anal damage via friction. WARP SPEED HUMPING!)

They were both barking like crazy enjoying how frustrated Paragon was becoming with this fic the fast movement and then Sirius switched and Lupin felt Sirius as the dog dick go up his butt.

(Isn’t that just so arousing, guys?)

Lupin barked with happiness and started moaning like crazy.

(Here’s what I thought that would sound like: AWAAAOOOOWAOOOOWAOOOOWOAAAAAHHHHHHHAHAHAHBARKBARK.)

Sorry, Link, but I can’t GIVE credit! Come back when you’re a little…." MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM! richer! Both of them barked at the same time.

(I was unaware barking sounded like ‘MMMMMMM’)

They both came at the same time.

(Oh, of COURSE they did. This is something that pops up, pun unintended, in fanfic a lot. What not a lot of writers realize is that simultaneous orgasms are nearly impossible to do without training. And yeah, you can train yourself to do it, but it’s har, pun unintended.)

Lupin jizz squirted all over the room and covered the bed til it was white.

(He would have to have taken his cock, and pointed it all over the room like a firehose. Author, do you know how jizz works?)

Sirius jizz squirted all over Lupin fur and dripped til Lupin as the werewolf was dripping in jizz.

(Paging department of redundancy department of redundancy, subdivision: FUCK YOU.)

They licked up all the jizz they could get

(those greedy bastards.)

and then got under the covers and fell asleep the way they was.

(Aw, now wasn’t that just the sweetest thing? So sweet, I’m going to go vomit and cry at my reflection.)

Ok nice reviews only no flames aloud!

(Fine, I’ll keep my flames at a reasonable volume, seeing as Sirius and Lupin took care of a lot of the shouting.)

That was really sexy wasn't it?

(No, and fuck you with a corroded iron blade.)

I really liked it

(And she’s apparently insane.)

and I think everyone else did

(And delusional. “Everyone else” refers to her imaginary gay furry friends.)

and if they didn't then don't tell me because I don't want to know because that would be very mean.

(And those imaginary friends apparently have enough common sense to not tell the auther that this story is a pile of jizz-covered dogshit. As always, comments, advice, insults and stuff like that are appreciated. Thank you and good night!)


This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 29 2012, 01:11 PM

[SM2142]

This has to be one of the most disturbing fics I've seen anyone mock. Reminds me of the "Dirty Potter" youtube series where Jim Dale narrates.
I must say, you have courage mocking this...not sure how long I would have made it.

[Paragon]

Honestly, I just try to look at the words on the page without feeling anything.
That didn't work for this fic.
It just. There is so much wrong with it (Like the animal morphing-fuck, the twenty galons of cum, etc) I tried not to think about it too much.
I'm sure it's an offense against humanity for this fic to exist.

Hopefuly, my mock helped ease a bit of the pain.
It certainly gave me a bit of grief when I stumbled across it.
As always, thanks for reading.

[NovemberJoy]

Good mock. You probably did better than I would at long, disturbing sex scenes.

But I haven't tried that yet, so...

Hey, wait a second. I'll mock something like this next.

[oneluckyduck]

Well, I laughed. Though, you did miss coloring in one of your comments.
(Also, I like that you put your comments in parenthesis, mostly because when I read stuff on my phone color doesn't show up. )

[Shockwave S08]

Good mock. [Paragon] probably did better than I would at long, disturbing sex scenes.

But I haven't tried that yet, so...

Hey, wait a second. I'll mock something like this next.

I remember the last time I tried doing that, it was on the Laprasking fic: Bride of Mewtwo. It was so revolting that I ended up puking more guts out than there are in my body for the entire scene.

On another note, I only made it as far as the ball-licking, and I had to stop before I had a repeat of the moment I just described.

This post has been edited by Shockwave S08: Feb 29 2012, 02:57 PM

[Paragon]

On another note, I only made it as far as the ball-licking, and I had to stop before I had a repeat of the moment I just described.

Oh, jeez, I didn't realize this thing was that bad! D:
I'll do something less sex-related next time.

EDIT: Colored in the comment I missed. Thanks for pointing that out, oneluckyduck.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Feb 29 2012, 01:13 PM

[NovemberJoy]

I'm serious about it. I feel like mocking something like that, because Fagon Loser is just as boring as watching an episode of Cheaters...

By the way, I have two fics that fit the "absolutely abysmal/revolting" criteria. Guess which fics they are...

(Note:Is it a bad thing to mock a full fic that was only partially mocked by someone else? If so, then I have more options.)

This post has been edited by NovemberJoy: Feb 29 2012, 03:14 PM

[Paragon]

(Note:Is it a bad thing to mock a full fic that was only partially mocked by someone else? If so, then I have more options.)

Honestly, I have no idea, because I've been sitting on My Inner Life for a couple days and I have no idea if I'm allowed to do it or not, seeing as it was also partially completed. And then the thread died about a year ago.

[Soren Highwind]

Honestly, I have no idea, because I've been sitting on My Inner Life for a couple days and I have no idea if I'm allowed to do it or not, seeing as it was also partially completed. And then the thread died about a year ago.

Seems like the thing to do there would be to contact whoever started the mock in question and see if it's okay with them. It's what I'd do if I still mocked fanfics, at least.

[NovemberJoy]

What if said person is inactive, left the forum, etc? Just asking.

[Soren Highwind]

What if said person is inactive, left the forum, etc? Just asking.

Hrm, good question... I suppose it'd be okay to just go for it, then, if the member in question hasn't been around for a long time. We're pretty lax about that kind of thing. Though if you're still unsure, it'd probably be a good idea to contact a mod about this; I'm not exactly sure what to do here, myself.