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> Bionic the Hedgehog, CWC's artistic genius before Sonichu
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VGtree054


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post Feb 17 2017, 08:45 AM
Hey Guys, it's your main man VGtree054, back with another mock. Everyone knows about Chris Chan Wesson Chandler and his crazy antics! Everyone knows how he's become a transvestite SJW, and everybody knows about the god awful Sonichu comics he's made out of boredom! However, today I'm doing something just slightly more original. I'm going to mock this masterpiece simply called Bionic the Hedgehog, which can be found on his Sonichu Website.

Bionic the Hedgehog

IíM NOT SONIC, IíM YOUR ORIGINAL BROTHER, BIONIC!

is Sonic's long-lost (But not for long) brother.

Sonic, thatís quite a family sequoia youíve got there, this is the 363rd long lost sibling of yours. Do your parents not know what a condom is and have to resort to using the dumpster by the burger place?

He's 16-years old, and he's a hot dude.

ďDonít trust any homo pedoforks over there!Ē

His favorite sport is Basketball. He's so terrific at basketball, he can score 100 points in any one quarter.

Everyone loves the Bionic the Hedgehog. He is a terrific athlete.

His favorite food is a Taco-Style Pizza (Hot and spicy).

Holy smoke! Taco-Style Pizza? As much as I hate to esteem anything Chris-Chan creates, I also canít deny that that would be a culinary masterpiece! Just think about it. It would be mini pizza crust folded like a taco filled with cheese, sauce, Tabasco, and vague pizza toppings! Oh wait, thatís a calzone, which I could easily fill with Tabasco. Still a kickass recipe, though!

He's terrific at electrical devices, such as: robot factories, teleporters, and all other difficult, mechanical devices.

So is that where his name comes from? The fact that he inexplicably learned how to using mechanical devices, even though he never once used those abilities!

Like Sonic, he's an adventurous, impatient, hedgehog, and he's a good guy.
Here's the story about him. A long time ago, when Bionic was 6-years old and Sonic was 5-years old, Bionic and Sonic were playing catch. When sonic threw his sixth throw, he accidentally threw it in a bush. Bionic agreed to retrieve the ball. When he got to the bush, just picking up the ball, he was being sucked in by a trans-dimentional portal.

Hasnít Bionic ever been taught to not stick his hand into strange trans-dimensional portals he doesnít recognize? Shame on him!

He cried for help from Sonic, but when Sonic got there, he grabbed Bionic's hand. Sonic tried to pull his brother out of the portal, but Bionic's hand slipped out of Sonic's hand, and he was falling. Sonic tried desperately to save Bionic, but he couldn't reach him. So, Sonic forgot about Bionic.

Why the fuck would you forget about your brother? Couldnít he at least had the decency to ask somebody for help instead of just leaving Bionic in the trans-dimensional portal where heíll probably never be seen again?

Bionic ended up in a world of Basketball players.

Uh, wat?

So, he was stranded for years and years. During the time he was there, he learned enough about Basketball, enough to give him the ability to do that "100 point per quarter" thing.

So Bionic somehow has the ability to work with ďrobot factoriesĒ without any guidance, but in order for him to do 100 points per quarter, he had to go to some strange dimension? Couldnít you have him just learn that without any of this science fiction bullcrap?

Meanwhile, back in Sonic's dimension, you probably know his story.

Except we donít!

Here it is in a short story though, Sonic was delivering 300 Chili-Dogs. His Uncle Chuck was captured by Robotnik and his Swatbots. Sonic meets Sally after realizing Chuck was in danger (He dropped off the Chili-Dogs). Sonic and Sally try to save Chuck, But Robitnik already Robotsized Chuck. So, Sonic joined Sally's Freedom Fighters, and made new friends, like: Tails, Bunny Rabbot, Rotor, Antoine, and many other Freedom Fighters. One day Sonic and Tails, flew to a Chaos Emerald-powered Floating Island, and met Knuckles the Enchidna. Knuckles thought Sonic was an enemy, but realized he was a good guy. They didn't get rid of Robotnik for good, but they became friends. But Sonic left Knuckles so that he can do his job of guarding the Floating Island. Later, Knuckles rescued Sonic and his friends from danger with Robotnik, by forming his own team, the Chaotix. And, Sonic turned his robotisized Uncle Chuck's personality back to normal (Chuck was still a robot).

I have never read the SatAM comics or seen the show, but I'm absolutely sure that that's not entirely how the story goes.

One day, when he was eating a Chili-Dog in his bedroom, he found an old picture of himself and Bionic together. Sonic recognized himself, but he didn't remember his brother.

Iím sorry, but I still cannot cope the simple fact that Sonic would just forget about his brother and be okay with it. How come nobodyís been like: ďHey Sonic, whatís happened to Bionic? This is the 363rd time this has happened!Ē

He went to his Uncle Chuck, so, that he can talk to him about who was the other hedgehog in the picture. When he got to his Uncle's home, Chuck invited him in. Sonic asked him, "Uncle Chuck, who is that other boy with me in this picture?"

ďOh, that guy? Heís just one of your recolors, itís probably best we donít talk about him, youíve already heard the same story 362 times already!Ē

Chuck studied the picture and replied to Sonic, "Sonic, this other boy was your brother, his name was Bionic." Sonic said, "Uncle Chuck, I didn't know I had a brother. What happened to him?"

How should he know? You were just there when it all happened, so again, how the fucking hell do you not remember you had a brother?!

Chuck replied, "You saw what happened, and you ran to me and told me the whole thing. But, I'll tell you what you told me.

So he KNEW what just happened, and he DID remember the event enough to tell his uncle about it! So this implies that Sonic actually deliberately forgot about his brother! What an assface!

"Sonic, you were 5-years old, and Bionic was 6-years old." Sonic said, interrupting, "Uncle Chuck, you're saying, he's my big brother?"

And why would Sonic care about that?

Chuck replied, "Sonic, let me finish, please. You and Bionic were playing catch, on your 6th throw, you threw it in a bush. Bionic went to get it, as he was getting it, he got sucked in a trans-dimentional portal. You tried to save him, but didn't succeed in saving him."

ďI was just sitting there jerking off while your brother was being sucked into the portal.Ē

Sonic said, "Well thanks for telling me, but now that I remember it, I feel so sad!" So after he stopped crying, he said, "Good bye," and went home.

And Good Riddance!

While he was sitting on his bed, thinking about Bionic, in Bionic's world, he found a way to get out of there.

Through the magic of plot convenience and poor writing, he managed to break through the portal.

He said good bye to his friends and thanked him for a nice time.

I donít even want to know!

He jumped through the portal leading to Sonic's bedroom. Back in Sonic's world, a portal opened up on the wall to his left, and to his suprise,

A cake popped out of the portal.

a figure poked out of the portal.

When Sonic got a good view of who was coming out of the portal, he recognized him, it was Bionic. Sonic asked, "Is that you, Bionic, my long-lost big brother?" Bionic replied, "Sonic?" When they both saw each other, Sonic rushed up to him and gave him a big hug as the portal closed.

This makes no fucking sense, Sonic forgot about Bionic, and had to have his uncle refresh his memory! How could he just instantly like him by simply looking at him?

Bionic said, "It's good to see my little brother again." Sonic replied, "It's good to see you again, too." Sonic introduced him to all his friends, and Sonic asked him if he would like to join the Freedom Fighters and stay with himself (Sonic). Bionic, said yes, and Sonic and Bionic had many adventures fighting Robotnik.
The End.

This was the biggest mindfuck I've ever read! It has disabled me from writing a proper conclusion for this piece of rubbish. Therefore, folks, it is my honor for you to leave whatever you think about this story in a reply! I'm getting out of here before my brain turns to mush!


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Post #2
UnsavoryGlint


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post Feb 17 2017, 09:24 AM
Jesus christ, you know, I heard about the infamous Chris-chan, but now, I can clearly see how awful he is as a writer, I can excuse authors for garbage ideas and uncreativity like Mykan, or Chris-chan, as long as they write well, but it looks like they both suck donkey dick as Writers, c'mon! Its not that hard, especially since its stuff that they're both invested in.

But anyway, I admire your bravery for delving into this trite.


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truthordeal


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post Feb 17 2017, 09:56 AM
I too travelled to the basketball dimension, and meditated on the top of Mt. Dunkerest for 1000 years. I learned many things, such as the ancient shaolin art of Shaqfu, and how to properly do a slam dunk despite being white. It was a blast.

This was fun. A real good look into the crazy-awfulness that was early Chris Chan.


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Post #4
StabbyKobold


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post Feb 18 2017, 06:29 AM
I don't even think this qualifies as a story. It was just an idea.

"Hey, guys! Check out my awesome OC, Sonic's brother who was mysteriously gone most of his life, ain't he cool?"

That's all it is.


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ConcernedGamer


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post Feb 21 2017, 09:03 AM
I'll give my thoughts on this story, too.

It was utterly pointless and deserved the mocking it got.

Building off of what StabbyKobold said, it's not even a story. I've seen bottom-of-the-barrel doodles on DeviantArt with more depth.

The character is established with abilities that go nowhere, then we are served a clumsy retelling of said establishment.

It's like an awkward time capsule, containing a freeze frame of what the author had of "cool" fantasies at the time. Basketball, sci-fi tech skills, and being related to Sonic.

It is shit fanfics like these, that makes me wonder if some authors have even actually read a story themselves, before they make the same attempt.


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Post #6
truthordeal


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post Feb 21 2017, 02:42 PM
I figured there'd at least be a follow up fic, but if that's seriously all that he wrote about Bionic then what a waste. Could've at least written a follow up chapter where he causes the Golden State Warriors TO BLOW A 3-1 LEAD IN THE NBA FINALS-

This post has been edited by truthordeal: Feb 21 2017, 02:42 PM


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