A Guide to Lemon Writing: by NarutosBrat, A pretentious virgin tries to tell us how to write awful sex scenes. Options

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

It makes me almost curious enough to check out the author's lemons to see if they're any good. This is honestly the most bare bones sex writing guide I've read and what makes it sad is that the author acts like he knows what he's talking about when all he says is some pretty basic/ignorant stuff.

gfw spacezilla: You mean anything written by Brooke McEldowney?

[Paragon]

Here is a sample of what this guy considers 'a good lemon'.

She was pinned to a wall by four furry tails ... she couldn't break free. What was worse, was that aside from the two tails pinning her arms, her legs were spread wide by the other two. What she was afraid of however, was what a fifth tail was doing. It had been rubbing across her stomach at first, now it was stroking her breasts through her shirt. To her anger and embarrassment, she found herself getting aroused, her nipples hardening quickly. 'I swear, I'm going to kill that bastard Orochimaru. That shit head knew what he was sending me up against this entire time, I should have known by that damnable smirk on his face. He knew I'd never be able to beat him, and he sent me to get raped by a demon.' A silky voice interrupted her thoughts.

"You're no doubt plotting ways to kill that Snake, aren't you Tayuya-chan?" Despite her disgust at the situation, she shuddered at the warm breath on her ear as her name was said. "You know, you're beautiful, even with your seal activated; as a matter of fact, in my personal opinion, it makes you more beautiful." The tail that had been rubbing her chest, slid down, and began to rub between her legs. Now she really had to fight back her rising arousal.

If anybody wants to take this guy's fics on, here's his account. You'll have to wade through all his ranting and raving about shipping to get to his fics, though.

EDIT: He's also written yet another one of those mother/child incest fanfics, goddammit they're following me everywhere.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Apr 25 2012, 01:55 PM

[Max-Vader]

(WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT. Does he think orgasms can just occur out of any orifice? Or just out of the blue? Like, having an orgasm five inches to the left of your body? That right there is some messed up sex.)

Thanks to being exposed to so many pseudo-philosophers, I am capable of speaking "pretentious moron". Here is what he is saying in normal English:

"Sometimes you might want to pull out and come on her face instead. *FAP FAP FAP*"

So, I wrote my own guide on how to write lemons. It's a special one-step-guide, kinda like his with some minor adjustments.

1. Don't fucking do it. Seriously.

I trust you'll find it to be much more straightforward.

PS: It seems he has the hots for Poison from Final Fight. If you know who - or rather what - Poison is, you'll probably be laughing your ass off right now.

This post has been edited by Max-Vader: Apr 25 2012, 03:00 PM

[Paragon]

Thanks to being exposed to so many pseudo-philosophers, I am capable of speaking "pretentious moron". Here is what he is saying in normal English:

"Sometimes you might want to pull out and come on her face instead. *FAP FAP FAP*"

So, I wrote my own guide on how to write lemons. It's a special one-step-guide, kinda like his with some minor adjustments.

1. Don't fucking do it. Seriously.

I trust you'll find it to be much more straightforward.

PS: It seems he has the hots for Poison from Final Fight. If you know who - or rather what - Poison is, you'll probably be laughing your ass off right now.

I din't notice he was into her/him/it, I couldn't make out anything pas the massive list of fictional females he wants to bone. I laff'd.

Thank you for the moron to English translation, I have not yet grasped the subtle nuances. That heing said, ew semen on face it isnt sexy whyyyy

I think NarutosBrat may have taken your guide to heart. I'm sure he found the rule has helped him in life. Not in writing, but at least he doesn't get lambasted by members of the opposite sex on a regular basis. He spends his time writing awful lemons, now.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Apr 25 2012, 03:13 PM

[Max-Vader]

Thank you for the moron to English translation, I have not yet grasped the subtle nuances. That heing said, ew semen on face it isnt sexy whyyyy

Oh, that's easy. In most cases (unless somebody has a semen-fetish, I guess) the "sexiness" for the male participant comes from the fact that doing this to your partner is basically a sexual form of humiliation. It can in very rare cases also be "sexy" for the woman, provided she gets off on being debased.
Or in other words, the reason why people get their rocks off to bukkake is because it is about dominating/humiliating someone.

[T_K_17]

Or in other words, the reason why people get their rocks off to bukkake is because it is about dominating/humiliating someone.

Or they're just looking for an excuse to see other dudes' semen.

This post has been edited by T_K_17: Apr 25 2012, 04:09 PM

[xoxjoanxox]

Or they're just looking for an excuse to see other dudes' semen.

But it's going to be their own. That's some extreme narcissism.

[Viashino_wizard]

...Dear lord, I just realized five out of six of my mocks have had some form of poorly written erotica in them. What the hell?

Most fanfiction IS poorly written erotica, so I wouldn't be so surprised.

I din't notice he was into her/him/it, I couldn't make out anything pas the massive list of fictional females he wants to bone. I laff'd.

For reference, the correct pronoun for a transsexual is the gender they identify with (so Poison is a 'her').

[Max-Vader]

For reference, the correct pronoun for a transsexual is the gender they identify with (so Poison is a 'her').

That's dumb.

[Viashino_wizard]

That's dumb.

I want to ask how you came to that conclusion but it's just going to end up derailing the thread.

[Paragon]

Okay, so this is the final part of the 'advice' section of the fic, this moron also included an unrelated mini-fic within this one, and WILL be mocked in this thread. Seriously, if anyone wants to take any of this guy's fics, feel free, he's awful.


Step 8. Transition/Conclusion

-This is the end to most lemons.

(The conclusion…means the end.)

It either ends with the partners falling asleep, someone leaving,

(I’ve never actually read a lemon where one of the participants just straight-up leaves after completion. Because spontaneous exits happen in real life, yo.)

or moving on to another part of the story.

(Because fics with lemons are usually so fucking stellar in terms of plot.)

There are some lemons, though, that simply move on to round two at this point,

(Do refraction periods not exist anymore or something?)

or introduces another player or circumstance to the event.

(Five bucks says he’ll claim this is too complicated for most writers to pull off and should only be attempted by ‘veterans’.)

This is what I call a transition.

(You and most of the English speaking world call that a transition, dipshit.)

Doing a transition is definitely not for beginners,

(OH,CALLED IT! And I’m sorry, but if fics didn’t have transitions, you know what they’d be? Stories that include every fucking pointless detail. Like Twilight, which likes to tell us when the characters do laundry or what they happen to be eating.)

because done wrong, it can make what was a good lemon just seem like a depraved fantasy for pathetic perverts.

(Riiiiight, because we totally don’t know the reason why people write lemons in the first place. They’re indulgent self-fap fics, Brat, don’t delude yourself into thinking they aren’t.)

The best way to do this, if you must, is to go back to stage one, and reset the stage.

(Because people have that kind of stamina and can just go right back at. Dude, there’s this thing called a refractory period, look it up.)

Then introduce the new character or idea.

(Applying the principles of this guide to a work would result in the following: a really good lemon writer would just keep introducing new characters and ideas ad infinitum until the fic reaches critical mass. Disregarding any plot developments, the participants would never stop having sex due to the ‘infinite sex cycle’ and simply increase in number until the writer simply decides to stop. Logically, a good writer would stop just before the fic reaches the “creepy fapping event horizon”. Hypothetically speaking, if about 3% of writers follow this guide’s principles, there would still be so many fics about orgies, ff.net would have to be classified as a pornographic website, which it technically is not. And therein lies the underlying fallacy of this entire guide: NARUTOSBRAT IS FUCKING RETARDED AND HAS NO IDEA WHAT THE SHIT HE’S TALKING ABOUT.)

When introducing a new participant, the best technique, is to have someone interrupt them right after they climax, and jump in.

(I swear, if he does this in his lemons…)

If you use this, it's still best to start from the beginning.

(It’s like Groundhog Day, except with awfully written sex.)

If you have more experience,

(“Experience” being used in its absolute barest definition. Because there’s no way he can be referring to real-life experience.)

and wish to be bold, then you can have someone jump in while the others are mid-rut.

(Because that’s how people who walk in on others having sex react realistically.)

No matter what they do, who they are, or when they join, the new participant should never just jump in.

(Holy shit, I’ve never seen a writer contradict themselves so completely in only TWO FUCKING SENTENCES. Seriously, reread that shit, he fucking contradicted himself in two sentences.)

Even if the other two are going at it like rabbits on Extacy,

(What’s this Extacy you speak of? Is it like ecstasy for rabbits? I don’t know, the word should have autocorrected, so he must be talking about some new drug. Also, what the fuck are rabbits doing with drugs? They’d be busy mating.)

the new participant should always start at stage one.

(That would create quite a disconnect between the participants, wouldn’t it? Probably why you almost never see threesomes pulled off well in fanfic.)

How quickly you move them through the stages is up to you,

(because it isn’t like you have any kind of life experience to go off of, so you gotta wing it.)

but they should always start at stage one. Why you ask?

(I don’t care, frankly, but I’m sure you’re going to tell us anyway.)

Simply put, it helps keep you focused on how awful your fic is, and makes it easier to remember whose doing what.

(Because it’s so fucking hard to keep track of three characters doing the same goddamn thing.)

Final Advice

Your best bet, is to not even write read some lemons. Find a few you like, and dissect what they did (copy, paste, and study things that intrigued you, and create a style from that).

(He’s advocating plagiarism. Fantastic.)

Then imitate with your own flare.

(Yep, he’s telling authors to COPY OTHER’S STYLES.)

Although many of the things I've mentioned are things to keep in mind, this is the formula for your basic lemon.

(Your basic badly written, generic lemon, sure.)

Anything beyond that takes time and experience.

(Beyond this guy’s experience, that’s for sure.)

Write a few, pick out the good points of each, and try again. Eventually, you'll stumble across a raunch writing method that suits you.

(By that time, you’ll have established yourself as a writer valued by fanfic mockers like myself.)

Join me next time for the unrelated minific, curtesy of the dumbest Naruto writer on ff.net I've personally seen.

[T_K_17]

So when does he cover things like pacing and chemistry and- oh wait he's finished. Well, I'm sure that stuff's not important anyway. Just as long as they use a condom and don't have an arm-sized cock, it's sure to be a masterpiece.

[Paragon]

So when does he cover things like pacing and chemistry and- oh wait he's finished. Well, I'm sure that stuff's not important anyway. Just as long as they use a condom and don't have an arm-sized cock, it's sure to be a masterpiece.

NarutosBrat on pacing:

How quickly you move them through the stages is up to you,

NarutosBrat on chemistry:

And that's all he had to say about that.

This post has been edited by Paragon: Apr 27 2012, 02:07 PM

[Max-Vader]

(Because people have that kind of stamina and can just go right back at. Dude, there’s this thing called a refractory period, look it up.)

Silly Paragon, don't you know that refractory periods are a myth, just like the clitoris? Everyone knows that even the average male can have ten orgasms in a row and spurt semen like there's just been an explosion at the mayonaise-factory. Geez, you stupid people need to learn your biology right.

[Paragon]

Silly Paragon, don't you know that refractory periods are a myth, just like the clitoris? Everyone knows that even the average male can have ten orgasms in a row and spurt semen like there's just been an explosion at the mayonaise-factory. Geez, you stupid people need to learn your biology right.

I'm sorry, those advanced biology courses did NOTHING for me in the long run!

Should've figured when I almost drowned in semen that one delibrately vague time at that one delibrately vague party when some delibrately vague things happened.

Clearly, this Naruto fan knows more about biology than a future Biology and Genetics double major.

[Paragon]

(Did you guys think this was over? HAHAHA, no. Brat was courteous enough to give us a stunning display of his mastery over English prose, and a taste of his particular brand of fanfic. Enjoy.)

Non related Omake: Madara's big mistake

(It was reading this fic, wasn’t it? I know that was a mistake I made.)

It had finally happened. After years of waiting, watching from afar, and dare she say it, stalking, it had finally happened.

Paragon had hunted down and murdered NarutosBrat with a rusty steak knife.

She was on a date with Naruto, and it was like she'd always dreamed. The night had been perfect.

(I think NarutosBrat is writing from the third person here. Perfect nights entail fantasizing dating fictional characters and IKEA erotica for him.)

Naruto had picked her up from the manor, and impressed her father by not showing any intimidation.

(wow omg naruto u r so kewl kawaii desu des fucktard.)

So much so, that he'd given his blessing, and encouraged her not to waste the opportunity.

(Until proven otherwise, I think ‘she’ is NarutosBrat.)

Not only had he dressed up, but the look on his face when he'd seen her had made her blush from head to toe.

(Has that ever happened to anyone before? I’ve never gotten flustered when someone looks at me. That shows up in fanfics a lot. Usually if someone’s giving me a look that is designed to fluster me, I just laugh. Because they look retarded.)

He'd taken her to the new sushi place in the restaurant district in the east side boonies, and they'd had a wonderful dinner.

(The mugging and murder of their waiter was the icing on the cake. Literally, they used his blood for frosting.)

Afterwards, he'd taken her on a walk through the village, which ended on top of the Hokage Monument after which, they jumped off and killed themselves. Being alone with Naruto, and the encouraging words from her father, had given her the courage to tell him how she felt; just as the twinkling lights of Konoha came on.

(Incoming glurge, everybody DUUUUUCK!!)

The view was breathtaking, and had perfectly set the mood for what was coming; far too slowly in her opinion, but still coming.

(Well, sorry the view didn’t set the mood fast enough, there.)

She'd almost fainted when he called her beautiful, and called himself a fool for not noticing her before.

(We still don’t know who ‘she’ is. Why does it even matter? Naruto’s the only character that matters, obviously!)

Now, Naruto's arms were wrapped around her waist, she was being held tightly against the man she loved, and his lips were steadily descending towards hers. It was perfect, just like any given romance fic in any given fandom! she'd always dreamed…at least until they were interrupted.

(Just like every other romance fic in every other fandom!)

With reflexes of the S-rank shinobi that he was rapidly becoming, Naruto had grabbed Hinata, and pulled them both away from the massive fireball that scorched the ground they'd just been standing on.

(He literally became an s-rank as he grabbed her. Oh, and now we know who ‘she’ is! One of the lamest characters in the series!)

A second later, a man appeared, wearing an Akatsuki cloak, and an orange mask with a single eyehole.

(Tobi, right? Jeez, we’re just getting all the characters I think are lame in this fic.)

The man removed his mask to reveal a handsome face.

(OF COURSE. A mask almost always hides a bishie. Unless they’re old, then they’re ugly.)

Delicate, aristocratic, features, that were almost feminine stared back at them. Not anything compered to Naruto, in Hinata's opiniong, but still handsome by any standards.

(Nothing ‘compers’ to one of the stupidest main protagonists in any manga to ever exist.)

The thing that stood out the most, were the three spinning tomoe in his right eye. The tomoe of the Sharingan practically destroyed any trust she may have even considered having in the man; even moreso than the Akatsuki cloak he wore.

(Blah blah blah, I really don’t give a shit.)

When he spoke, his voice came out in a low, smooth timbre that sent shivers up Hinata's spine.

(Oh, of course. Gotta love how villains are treated in fanfic. Either they’re the hottest thing since Draco In Leather Pants, or they’re awful monsters.)

Now for any other woman, it would have been those naughty shivers accompanied by naughty thoughts. For Hinata, they were shivers of revulsion with absolutely no correlating thoughts,

(Hey, now, Mr. hot Anime Villain hasn’t even tried anything yet. Ten bucks says he’s going to try to rape her, and then Naruto will heroically and easily swoop in and save her, like in every other goddamn fanfic.)

as if she'd been unwantingly groped by a perverted noble that she couldn't retaliate against.

(Sounds like she’s speaking from experience there.)

"So sorry to ruin your date, but I must ask Naruto-kun to come with me." The man said. "He has something that I need in his belly, and I shall wait no longer to have it."

(When did this become another retarded mpreg fic? There’s another thing I could rant about. Men cannot get pregnant unless they’ve had really crazy surgeries and alterations done to them. Why do fangirls like that crap? It’s incredibly traumatizing and disgusting, not ‘cute’ or ‘a good fanfic subject’. I hate pregnancy in fics in general, they’re almost as retarded as rape fics. Thankfully, I think it was just some lame syntax errors on the part of the author.)

"Look, if you want to fight me for the damned fox, then can we do it some other time,

(And he’s pregnant with some furry spawn. Of course.)

I'm kind of busy right now." Naruto pulled Hinata closer to him, if that was even possible.

(It wasn’t, and he crushed her stupid moe spine.)

"Ah yes, the lovely heiress to the Hyuuga clan." He remarked. "If it's any consolation, I was always rooting for you when it came to Naruto-kun's affections.

(Protip: If you are writing a fic, and then have the villain ship the main couple and complement the girl, YOU ARE DOING SOMETHING WRONG.)

Sakura-chan just didn't seem like a good fit. Too bad it took so long to happen, I almost feel bad for having to do this. Then again, if Naruto-kun weren't so good at killing members of my organization, I wouldn't have had to resort to this."

(This is the lamest villain speech I’ve ever read.)

"What can I say?" Naruto retorted. "It's a gift." The man smiled.

(NYEHEHEHEH, WITTY RETORT TO THE VILLAIN, AREN’T I SO FREAKING COOL AND ADMIRABLE?)

"You will come with me Kyuubi, or I will make you." His face softened. "And I'd hate to have to ruin those snazzy duds."

(I wish, dearly wish I could make some witty and intelligent remark about that last passage, but for God’s sake, LOOK AT THAT SHIT. I cannot make that sentence funnier than it already is! I’m freakin’ dying over here!)

Naruto easily slipped into a fighting stance.

(He didn’t have to transition between fighting positions to get to that one!? My god, that’s way too dangerous! And here, I believe, is the perfect place to cut this off for now. It gets even more corny and stupid next time. No, I don’t know how that’s possible, it just does.)

[Paragon]

This is the end of the fic. It's bad and dumb and I can't articulate how utterly contrived it all is. I'm just glad it's over.

"You'll have to kill me first." The mans features hardened, before he gave a snarl, and spoke in a threatening tone

"Or how about I kill the girl first, then capture you."

(How about you do something original and interesting?)

The two uber shinobi

(Now that’s just silly.)

glared at each other, Hinata off to the side seemingly forgotten

(Oh, of course, why would the female aid in the battle at all? Goddammit, shonen anime sexism.)

as their killing intent spiked in a duel to overpower the other, and gain a psychological advantage.

(Is this Naruto still? This may as well be any given shonen anime. Ugh.)

It is often said that it's the quiet ones were the most dangerous, and the onest that you had to watch out for.

(Onset of what…Alzheimer’s, Schizophrenia?)

In Konoha, that meant that Hinata and Shino were potentially the two most deadly shinobi in the village.

(I can actually feel my brain screaming, “show, don’t tell.” Although, I guess Naruto fans do need everything spelled out for them.)

For one Hinata Hyuuga, her moment of absolution was at hand. The normally sweet, shy, slow to anger kunoichi was swiftly losing her calm. After all the years of trying to confess her love, and all of the attempts to woo Naruto; to have her perfect moment ruined. Now as a Hyuuga, Hinata had always been taught to enhance her calm on the surface, no matter how angry she was underneath. This dastardly act of intrusion, however, was unforgivable, and the perpetrator would face her wrath.

(Blah blah blah, you keep telling us this shit, you aren’t doing anything with it.)

Her face a picture of rage, Hinata snapped. Her chakra, which had jumped easily to kage level, explodeds from her.

(Oh, of course the only way this would happen is if something affected her love interest, not because of anything SHE wanted. Also, ‘explededs’. Say it out loud, it’s fun.)

The two shinobi, who had for the past few moments been concentrated on each other,

(And now we’re channeling Dragon Ball Z. This staring contest may take several paragraphs, folks.)

were startled from their figurative dick measuring contest by the end of the chapter. Join us next time for more intense angry staring and yelling! a massive murderous intent that dwarfede

(I think Brat’s spellcheck gave up on him, too.)

them both. Luckily for Naruto, it wasn't directed at him. When they turned to the third member of their party,

(Hey, now, you can’t add more characters until after everybody climaxed!)

what they saw froze them in shock.

A visible chakra aura, the likes of which only Naruto had been previously known to project, was blazing in the shape of a blue flame. Within this flame stood the most beautiful creature that either man had ever seen. Hinata was standing there, looking the very picture of an avenging angel.

(Except angels have no place in Japan-esque settings. Except Evangelion, but their Angels were aliens, not angels. And they had no point, either. Go figure.)

The ankle length, black dress that had hugged her round, womanly curves was now slit to the thighs on both sides.

(That isn’t how clothing works. Did she just gain fifty pounds?)

The wind created by the massive chakra blowing the dress in such a way, that it revealed generous expanses of her long, sensuous legs; the smooth porcelain skin, shapely calves, creamy, well toned, thighs, rounded bot…ahem, sorry…moving on now.

(Right, because the most import details of female characters is her body. Duh, what else would the knuckle-dragging mouth breathing readers care about?)

For Naruto, the sight of that much of those…ahem…sexy legs, made his pants tighten and a trickle of blood slip from his nose.

(The nosebleed trope is one of the most retarded sight gags in anime. If you get a boner, that means blood is going down, not up to the nose. God, writers.)

One look at her face, which normally held a sweet countenance was twisted into a mask of fury. Her normally kind eyes were flooded with utter rage, her activated Byakugan adding to the picture.

(And adds to the total ‘retarded writing’ quotient.)

Her hair was whipping about her head like an indigo halo,

(That’s one lame hairstyle. He couldn’t bear to go with the stereotypical ‘light from behind’ thing.)

and her hands, which were fisted at her sides, were coated in a condensed layer of chakra.

With a battle cry befitting her feelings of being wronged,

(Okay, Brat, I don’t think your readers are so retarded that they don’t know the reason or the feeling behind actions. You don’t need to keep spelling it out for us. All it does is make you better fodder for me.)

Hinata Hyuuga attacked MadaraUchiha head on.

(Which head, Brat? We readers are so dumb we dun kno which 1 u talk about.)

The surprise attack, as well as the speed at which it was delivered, prevented the man from not only using his incorporeality jutsu, but defending himself in general.

(Okay, Brat, I’ll help you with this one: “The sudden attack caught him off-guard.” That’s all you had to say there. Don’t pad to increase the word count, I detest that. Most readers detest that. There’s a fine line between a good amount of detail and knowing when to use more beige. Most writers do not grasp that.)

She tackled him to the ground and unleashed both heaven and hell's fury on his Tenketsu with her chakra coated hands.

(Is that what they’re callin’ it these days?)

A cloud of dust kicked up from the cratewr

(Ah, another sign that this guy does not re-read his work! How do you FAIL TO NOTICE THE ERROR THERE.)

that formed when the flailing (in Madara's case, Hinata was striking with cold, surgical precision) mass of limbs landed.

(All that description and buildup and now you aren’t even giving the readers any action? Priorities, writers: focus on the description of legs, disregard anything important.)

Naruto could only stare in shock at the small cloud of classic anime violence occurring in front of him.

(Really, Brat? You’re making them self-aware?)

While he;d always thought Hinata was cute, and he admitted extremely sexy in that dress, the vicious fight he was watching right now was doing weird things to his libido.

(…is he going gay for the villain? I can’t tell, the sentence was super ambiguous.)

When the dust finally settled, Naruto saw Hinata straightening out her dress, which she now seemed to fill out even more,

(IMPORTANT DETAIL.)

and Madara on the ground in a bruised, bloody heap of tortured person.

(Brilliant use of prose.)

His twitching, convulsing form in a two foot deep crater where the attack had taken place.

(Oh, good, I assumed he was laying somewhere OTHER than the place where he got attacked and beaten.)

Poor Madara would never be a threat again; for not only did Hinata close every single one of his Tenketsu, but she did it with Chakra Scalpels.

(Okay, who gives a shit. I haven’t seen Naruto in a long time, thank God, but I’m pretty sure that was not a thing. I cannot quite articulate how retarded this fic is, I apologize.)

Naruto's Akatsuki troubles were officially over, all because the leader had decided to interrupt a date. As a result of this incident, Konoha gained two S-class ninja in their ranks.

(Yay, nobody gives a shit!)

When word got out, Kisame and Zetsu decided that they'd rather be allies, as opposed to enemies (DAHURRRR.) of the girl that so brutally destroyed Madara Uchiha.

(Uh, why? They’re still criminals. Are they her bitches now or something?)

The incident had done wondersw for the byoung kunoichi's confidence as well.

(Being out of character did wonders for me when I was 'byoung', too.)

While she was still the kind hearted woman she'd always been, she was nho longer shy or easily pushed aside. A couple of the more stubborn Hyuuga elders learned this the very next day.

(Oh, Brat, please, give us MORE unrelated vague mentions of scenes.)

When she'd expressed her intentions with Naruto, they had actually tried to forbid her from marrying him. She didn't bother closing their chakra points, she just hospitalized the old fogeys with her KI; really why are they still in charge when their hearts are so fragile.

(Why are you still writing when your brain doesn’t grasp proper English usage?)

After she became the Clan Head, and ordered the removal of the Cage Bird Seal, they again tried to forbid her. This time, they just simply came up missing, courtesy of Neji's Anbu squad.

(Uh, isn’t that completely illegal.)

When questioned about the disappearance, Hyuuga spokeman Hiashi would only say that "the senile old bats had gone exploring in the Forest of Death, and hadn't been heard from sense".

(You know who else hasn’t heard from sense? NarutosBrat. Come on that was the biggest gaping hole for an insult I’ve ever seen.)

The morals of this story kids…
1. NarutosBrat hates his readers.

2. Virgins shouldn’t try to tell us how to write sex.

1. Always beware the quiet ones.

2. Never interrupt them when they're on their dream date.

For any artists reading this omake, just wondering if anyone would take a request. I'd be greatful for a picture of Avenging Angel Hinata.

(And I’d be grateful if someone took a staplegun to your face, but I guess neither of those are happening. Thank you all for enduring this with me. As always, hope my mocking helped/made you laugh/however you react.)

This post has been edited by Paragon: May 9 2012, 09:56 AM

[Max-Vader]

(Okay, who gives a shit. I haven’t seen Naruto in a long time, thank God, but I’m pretty sure that was not a thing.

You're right, it wasn't. Also note that NarutosBrat never explains what these things are, what they supposedly do, why they make a difference and most important of all, why we should cate.

The morals of this story kids…

Well, here are the amazing morals I learned from this enlightening work of genius.

1. Women are weak and worthless unless their date with their HUSBANDO~ is threatened.
2. If something is not the way you want it to be, kill people until you get what you want.
3. TITTAYS!

[truthordeal]

While she was still the kind hearted woman she'd always been...She didn't bother closing their chakra points, she just hospitalized the old fogeys with her KI

Of all the things wrong with this fic, this stuck out the most. How do you go from describing someone as kind hearted in one paragraph then go about describing how they hospitalized a bunch of old men, and then imply that she murdered the rest of her family in the next? Isn't that the whole thing that Itachi did that got everyone pissed at him and made Sasuke an emo?

It goes from generic boring date-fic to horrifyingly disjointed wish fulfillment in about three lines. This guy is dumb and I hate his writing.