End of the Road: by NarutosBrat, A fanfic about divorce, written by a man who has never had a lover. Options

[Paragon]

Just to prove I can still do non-pony mocks, I went and checked out some of NarutosBrat's stuff. If nobody remembers, he's the guy who wrote the lemon writing guide. To my surprise and amusement, I discovered that he had written a divorce fic. Yes, a divorce fic. Those exist, apparently. I think I had a little too much fun mocking this one, because it just doesn't enrage me, it's just stupid. Anyway, I'm sure nobody wants to read Paragon babble on about how awful the fanfic is. I'll just let you guys read the fic, instead.

Enjoy.

Disclaimer: At this point in the game, I have to wonder if these are really necessary.

The fanfics? Yes, I suppose I also wonder if they’re necessary. You certainly seem to think they are, Brat.

Anyone whose enough of a fan of a series to start reading fanfiction should have long since been aware of who owned the rights to these series.

Oh, he’s talking about disclaimers. I doubt this guy knows who owns something like, say, To Kill A Mockingbird. Probably doesn’t know of anyone beyond Masashi Kishimoto. Protip: know who created the work before you read fanfics of it, apparently.

Not only that, but the owners know who they are, and probably get a chuckleout of the fact that people add these disclaimers like someone is really dumb enough to think a fanfiction writer owns it.

Like the owners are reading shitty fics about their work.

I was listening to Boyz to Men "End of the Road",

Never heard of ‘em, but that is one of the gayest band names I have ever heard. No offense to any fans. Except Brat. I actually do want to offend him.

and it got me thinking about a story called To Live is So Much Harder.

Wait, what? Is he talking about a fanfic, or what?

This would be the perfect song for a Sakura/Naruto break up story. In the same token, "I'll Be" by Edwin McCain is the perfect Nar/Sak shipper song. Just thought I'd mention it.

Wow, you are so full of music wisdom. I think most songfics are the result of people hearing some song on their iPod as they either read or write a fanfic and think, “WOAH, this could add like a thousand words if I copied the lyrics into the story! And people will think I’m deep and thoughtful about the story, too!”

I was also thinking that I'm sick of seeing these Sakura cheats on Naruto stories where he's an emotionally fragile victim, who was taken advantage of by his friends, and who has no clue until she either gets pregnant, or he catches them.

These kinds of fics are common in the Naruto fandom, whose average IQ is approximately 70 on a good day? They like reading and writing fics about affairs between ninjas? Realllllly?

Then she goes off with Sasuke and lives happily despite the rest of their group shunning her while Naruto finds a new love, one who turns out to be everything he ever desired in a soulmate.

“lul, people getting cheated on isn’t a big deal! They just go find a NEW love interest, nyuhuhurrr!”

I'm going to do a different take on this.

OMG SO ORIGINAL

By the way, please don't flame me for this. I'm already tempted to start a fic where I post stupid reviews,

That isn’t a fic, you moron, that’s you posting reviews. Also, you’d be posting like, every review on ff.net, you realize. Oh, wait, you’re probably just talking about reviews for your own fics.

and my extremely assholeish responses to said reviews.

Cyclical stupidity solves everything.

Please don't give my inner asshole an excuse to rear its ugly head.

Oh, forgive me, I didn’t realize your inner asshole needed an excuse.

8888

Sakura sat at home glaring at the wall after her shift at the hospital. She was angry.

Thanks for the clarification, because I can’t tell if someone’s mad if they’re glaring at the wall, I usually assume they’re sad.

No angry was to gentle a word, she was bordering on furious.

Oh, shit, woah, now we know she’s pissed with her just sitting there and thinking about how angry she is! Really gives us a feel about how she’s feeling.

Why was she angry? Well that would be because of her husband, Naruto. She hadn't really paid much attention to it at first, knowing that the job he was training to assume soon was very demanding.

I think she’s mad at how vague the fic is being about her reason for being mad.

But that was before, when no matter how much time he spent holed up in the Hokage Tower, any mutual time off was spent with her. Admittedly most of it was spent screwing like rabbits-

Now THAT makes for a stable and lasting marriage.

Kami he made her cum so hard it was ridiculous

OhmyGod, she’s a man in this fic. Girls cannot ‘cum’ in the sense that you’re thinking of, Brat.

- but they spent time together doing other things as well.

Is she mad because they aren’t screwing even when they aren’t screwing? That’s how it’s coming off, Brat.

Sakura shook that last thought from her mind.

It wasn’t hard, considering that the only other thought likely concerns sex.

She'd felt that smile creeping at the edge of her lips like it always did whenever she thought about making love to Naruto.

Yeah, I make an automatic rape face whenever I think about sex. Freaks everybody out, but whatever.

She was angry,

Oh, I thought she had magically become happy.

and thinking about the things he could do to her so easily like murder were not condusive to staying angry.

Anger is just such a hard emotion to maintain. God, how does anyone have enough brainpower to do it?

Naruto had always been a doting husband,

Oh, yeah THAT’S in-character. The idiotic, Sasuke-obsessed, owner of a grand total of two brain cells ninja is a doting husband. MAKES SENSE, AMIRITE

making time for just her whenever he could, and she always treasured that time spent with him.

Mostly because they just had sex and didn’t have any other meaningful interaction.

Recently however, Naruto had been spending far more time at the office than was necessary, and avoiding her when they had time off-

A doting, avoidant husband. Those exist, right.

usually claiming that he'd promised to do a favor for someone. The worst part was that she couldn't really call him on it because she knew how he was about promises, and making time for all of his close friends and those he considered family.

Why would she call him out for doing stuff for his friends? That’s…really controlling. Naruto isn’t much of a liar. He lacks the brain capacity.

Only in the last few days had a terrible thought come to the fore.

Mostly because her three brain cells came back from golfing. Mr. Brat forgot a couple words in the last sentence, there.

Regardless of what her heart told her “YOU HAVE POOR CHOLESTEROL.”, her brain told her“GOD HELP ME GET OUT OF THIS HELLHOLE, I wasn’t meant for this torture!”, and her gut told her “EAT MOAR BURGERS, FAG. Also, you are about to experience the worst indigestion everrrrr. Must be all that semen you keep eating.”, a nagging voice in the back of her mind kept screaming at ther that he was cheating on her.

Jesus, she’s got four voices going on at once, here.

Sakura had to suppress a wince at that thought. She really didn't have any room to be angry about that

EMOTION TAKES SO MUCH EFFORT

but she'd never considered Naruto the type to do something like that. And if she was honest, it was probably her guilt that claimed the origins of that particular idea.

Guilt needs to stop taking all the credit. Anger seems to be doing most of the emotional work so far.

Still, she'd noticed that Naruto had been coming home late every night for the past month-

And it took her a month to notice her husband was coming home late in a nightly basis. Fantastic.

usually after she'd gone to bed given that he was lying next to her when she got up for work in the mornings.

Given that he’s in bed with her in the morning, he returns late at night. If he didn’t wake up with her, then when would he come home? He only came back late if the woke up in the same bed?

His actions were so suspicious,

How? He’s just doing shit for friends and preparing for some retarded ninja job. Shit takes up a person’s time. Kinda like how ruminating about anger takes up time.

and left her alone so much, it was no wonder that she'd been spending more time with Sasuke recently, right.

No, yeah, cheating on your husband for not having sex with you 24/7 is totally a justified reason!

No, that was wrong. Naruto was highly unlikely to cheat on her, and what she'd been doing with Sasuke had not only been wrong from the start, but had been going on for far longer than his suspicious activities.

Was the doting, gives-you-sex-whenever-you-want husband not good enough?

Still, Sakura was nothing if not curious and a cheating nymphomaniac. Finally reaching the end of her rope, the vitrol filled Mrs. Uzumaki decided she was going on an angry drug-fueled rampage to find out why her husband had been staying out late, and even not coming home on some nights.

He said he was doing stuff for friends. Why does she have reason to doubt him? If I recall, Naruto is a fairly honest guy.

Donning a black Anbu style outfit- one she'd originally gotten for a bit of naughty role playing with her husband-

Because the only reason a female should own anything useful is to use it to please her husband.

she left the house about twenty minutes before he was scheduled to leave, and waited on a nearby roof where she would be highly visible to anyone with eyesight. She lowered her chakra to the point that one would think she was on the verge of death, and waited.

In reality, the reason why one would assume she was on the verge of death was her significantly lower level of resting brain function.

Finally, Naruto emerged from the section of the Tower where his current and future job was located, and made his way to the top of the building.

I’m guessing he’s being promoted from ‘janitor’ to ‘executive assistant retard’

From her vantage point, she could see him stop and stare off into the distance with a look of pure sadness on his face.

A single tear of liquid black sorrow streamed down his face as he took out his iPod and began playing Linkin Park and My Chemical Romance. To the heavens he shouted, “GERARD WAY IS THE ONLY ONE WHO UNDERSTANDS MEEEEEEEE!” and promptly broke down in a fit of pathetic, snot-filled sobs.

She raised up just enough to follow his line of sight, and found that he was staring in the direction of their home, wondering if he had left the oven on.

'What's that about?' She asked herself, though there was a slight feeling of dread in the back of her mind.

She realized that indeed, she had left the oven and the stove on.

She wasn't given much time to wonder, as her braincells collectively decided to go on strike in an attempt to improve their horrible working conditions. While the rebellion happened, her husband gained a look of resigned determination, and ran towards the other side of the tower. Still crying, he slowly began to put on mascara, muttering, ‘I hate myself, I hate myself…’ ad infinitum. Standing, Sakura leapt to a closer building, and finally onto the tower a few moments after Naruto had leapt off. Racing across the roof, she found him, realized he had probably spotted her because she just made a fuckton of noise and leapt off in hot pursuit.

Excuse me, Brat, but I ordered the cold pursuit this evening, not the hot pursuit. Also, this hot pursuit isn’t even hot, it’s tepid.

Sakura knew she would have to be very careful following Naruto.

He had eyesight, which rendered pretty much all of her sneaking techniques moot.

After taming the Kyuubi, Naruto was one of the worlds foremost sensors, and training with Karin had only added to that ability.

“CANON, WHAT’S THAT? WHO GIVES A SHIT?”

Using the incredible stealth she'd developed over the years sneaking around on her husband to tail him,

And the only reason a female should pick up any useful skills is to have sex with someone other than her husband.

Sakura followed Naruto. She was shocked when he led her to the Hokage monument, and climbed down onto the Yondaime's head.

She was even more shocked by the huge stash of pornographic magazines he had been hiding there.

Hiding in some nearby bushes, Sakura waited to see if he would be joined by someone else. Despite what she thought, there was still a chance, and she would certainly deserve it.

What the fuck are you talking about now, Brat? That last passage literally made zero sense, it was so vague.

Little did she know how much the conversation she was about to overhear would effect her, or her life.

It’s either going to affect her OR her life, but the real cliffhanger is: WHICH ONE?!?

And here is where I'll cut this off for now. See you next time for even more marital shenanigans.

[Bitch_Please]

Excuse me, Brat, but I ordered the cold pursuit this evening, not the hot pursuit. Also, this hot pursuit isn’t even hot, it’s tepid.

Really? I found it to be quite trivial.

[Paragon]

Really? I found it to be quite trivial.

Are you insulting me...? Are you calling my comment trivial...?

[Bitch_Please]

Are you insulting me...? Are you calling my comment trivial...?

No and no. It's a joke, just ignore it.

[oneluckyduck]

You're turning out to be one of my favorite mockers, you know.

[Paragon]

No and no. It's a joke, just ignore it.

I figured, my apologies. My head's a bit foggy. My 'sconnie brain isn't adjusting to the warm weather up here yet.

You're turning out to be one of my favorite mockers, you know.

Oh, my, thanks much! Glad to know I'm doing something right!

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Fun fact: Boyz 2 Men was an R&B group from the early 90's. Their most popular song was "Ill make love to you" (something the Brat here hasn't done yet).

Also my dear sweet lord, "Ill be" by Edwin McCain. No wonder he's a hack, he uses the most cliched songs for his pairings. Hell, maybe if he writes a fic involving a high school graduation, he could get "inspiration " from Green Days "Good Riddance (Time of your life)"

Good start Paragon. You've definitely made an impression since you first came here. Keep it up

[Max-Vader]

I figured, my apologies. My head's a bit foggy. My 'sconnie brain isn't adjusting to the warm weather up here yet.

Don't worry, spouting really bad non-jokes that can be confused with insults is sorta his thing.

Anyway, great mock.

[Paragon]

Part two of three, ready to read. Thank you for the words of praise, everyone. I'd like to say I only do this for fun, but it certainly helps when others have fun with me. Anyway, enjoy the fic and the incredible leaps of logic Brat takes in this chapter.

---------------

Hey dad, it's been awhile since we talked especially cuz, you know, you died before I ever met you…" Naruto started. "I've been coming up here every night for the past few weeks, but I haven't been able to say what I wanted to say.

“Mostly because I haven’t developed a syntax beyond that of a third grader, but I’m trying, okay?!”

Not a very good trait for a Hokage to have, huh. I think I'm ready now, though, and I've got a lot to tell you."

Naruto took a deep breath, and let out a sigh, before beginning his tale which lasted over an hour and ended with, “but you screw one goat…”.

"I still remember the first time that I caught Sakura with him. They had decided to go with the black ball gag that night, it must have been expensive, it looked like a quality product…she had him tied in handcuffs and was spraying whipped cream on his…well, anyway…" Sakura went pale. She hadn't known that he knew.

Considering everyone’s below average mental function in this fic, I’m going to say that not even she knew that she knew that he knew.

'How could he have known, and still treated me like a princess?'

Because he didn’t know that now you know that he knows. Also, ‘treated her like a princess’ in Brat’s head is probably just having the guy say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ when his wife is ordered to get him a beer. Just extrapolating from his past attitudes, here.

"I was going to visit Sasuke while he was in prison; you know, like a conjugal visit type thing, to try and help keep him from being too bored. I’m great at handjobs, by the way. You’d be so proud, pops. When I got close to his cell, I could hear the naughty sounds coming from it, and at first I'd thought that Ino had come to visit him like she kept saying she would.

Ino’s only motivation, as I recall, was getting into Sasuke’s pants. Yay, role models.

I almost laughed at the fact that maybe I wouldn't need to visit him so often since he'd have some much better company. Because, you know, Ino’s like one of the biggest sluts in the series. I figured I'd startle them by bringing a camera in there and film everything, and tease them about getting a room, so I kept going.

He’s just such a good friend, isn’t he?

Imagine my surprise and pain when I see that they not having sex, but watching the first part of Breaking Dawn! Oh, and I guess I should mention I saw not the long blonde hair of Ino riding atop that bastard,

I wouldn’t imagine someone’s HAIR having sex with someone. …we aren’t going down that road, right?

but the vibrant pink of the woman I loved,

Anyone else getting the mental image of like, a pink wig having sex with Sasuke? I am.

the woman who'd told me she loved me; the woman who was supposed to be my girlfriend.

She was your girlfriend at the time, not your wife, you caught her CHEATING on you, and you still fucking married her? I’m sorry, but that doesn’t make a character sympathetic, it makes them an idiot. Brat, you have no idea how relationships work and you have no idea how to convey a believable one.

I think that was the first time that I actually felt hatred towards someone since defeating my inner darkness, OMG SO EDGY AND DARK and taming the Kyuubi's power at Bii's island.

The what on the what now? No, wait, I remember now. Brat, don’t just start suddenly offhandedly mentioning events like that. It’ll jar your readers. Actually, considering the fandom, probably not. They seem to readily eat any and all bullshit fed to them by Kishimoto.

Luckily, I realized what I was doing and feeling,

He was probably angry. That seems to be the only emotion any characters in this fic truly experience.

and that I needed to talk to someone.

The local therapist ninja? That might make an interesting thing, actually…more interesting than this fic, certainly.

I don't know what carried me there, but I found myself in Hinata's room,

Probably the influence of the author’s lack of ability to write you believably.

telling her about what I saw, and how I felt.

The conversation started like this…”I saw A Serbian Film today…I just feel so angry about it. I’m gonna glare at the wall for a bit, just…give me a moment…”

She told me that I loved too much to hate, and that things would work out. Y’know, cheapass Hallmark card shit. I'm not exactly sure how it started, but one minute I was crying into her shoulder, and the next I was thrusting into her as if my very existence depended on making her climax.

I like how the Brat can’t follow his own advice. He skipped foreplay, he skipped oral, and he skipped the position change. He went right to the end. Also, people cannot get turned on and ready for action THAT fast. It REALLY hurts if you just start pounding the girl before she’s ready. Yet another reason why you cannot write anything believable about ANY relationship. Brat, you clearly have no idea how any of this works.

Like I couldn't go on without making her cry out for me as I'd seen Sakura do for him.

…..You’re a fucking asshole, Brat. That is not how a good person who claims to be in love with the person who’s cheating on them would act. That does not justify cheating in ANY WAY.

Sure, my ego was stroked a little knowing I succeeded, and that wasn’t the only thing that got ‘stroked’, ahahahaaaa…I’m an ass, but it didn't help my situation...actually it made it worse.

NO SHIT, JACKASS. You ever hear the phrase ‘two wrongs don’t make a right’? Yes, I know two negative phrases or numbers make a positive sentence or number, but that’s not important.

I know I can't blame her for this,

Did you rape her or something, then? If she was a willing participant, than she’s just as guilty!

but as I said before, I think going to Hinata only made it worse.

Was she not capable of saying ‘dude no what da fuck r u doin’ to my vag’? She’s just as bad for going along with it!!!

Sometimes I feel like if I hadn't gone to her that night, or if I would have drug someone else along with me,

So you could have sex with them, instead? Yeah, I’m sure it would have been MUCH better that way.

then I might have avoided the pain that I'm feeling now.

You can glare at the wall for a bit, that seems to be cathartic for people.

That I might have just ended it with Sakura, and not had to suffer the hurt of betrayal again.

Unfortunately, Naruto didn’t add two and two and realize that he really should have just ended it. Why would you marry a girl that not only cheated on you, but on that YOU ALSO cheated on?!?

Anyway, the next morning, I was so guilty about what I'd done with Hinata, that I asked Sakura to marry me as soon as I saw her.

Yeah that makes perfect sense, right?

I guess I had hoped that maybe us being married would show Sakura how much I loved her; that she didn't need to think about Sasuke anymore.

Logic, according to NarutosBrat.

I had thought that after we were married, both of our one time indiscretions would be forgotten, and for a while they were.

I guess neither of them have much experience in this thing called ‘logic’.

At least, it was until I realized that Sakura, while still affectionate to me, was becoming far more affectionate with Sasuke than a married woman should be with somonee whose not her husband.

Oh, right, because married women can’t even TOUCH men other than their husband, I forgot. Go die, you misogynistic piece of shit.

She'd come home some nights, and climb into bed, and I could swear I smelled a hint of his scent on her.

And how would you know just a hint of what he smells like, hm…?

But then she would touch me, hold me, make love to me, and I'd forget all about it. I'd write it off as me just being paranoid or out of character, and move on. That worked for awhile, at least until that night.

What did she cheat on you again? What a fucking surprise. Oh, right, we have to read more ‘logical rumination’ now.

That night, I think, was the final straw. I think that I always knew that Sakura was being unfaithful to me, and on some level, I had kind of expected it to happen. Her feelings for Sasuke had never really gone away, and I'd always feared she'd just settled for me. Even on the day that we married, my instincts were telling me something was off. I thought I'd caught a hint of Sasuke's scent on her, but I was so happy to be marrying Sakura that I ignored my instincts.

I can’t even process how utterly retarded that is. My brain would literally have to drop about 100 IQ points to do so.

So I pretended that we were happy, in love, and faithful to one another.

That is just the best basis for a marriage, amirite? Pretend you really do want to marry the other person, it’ll totally work. Did EITHER of them realize that they could have broken it off?

I think on some subconscious level, I'd even accepted that she loved him, and that she was sleeping with him, and didn't care so long as she came home to me to make me sandwiches, get my beer, and give me sex whenever I wanted. That no matter how many times Sasuke may have had her, she always came back to me, to our bed, to our special place.

Yeah, he probably really should consider seeing that ninja therapist, he has problems up the rectum.

A place that was only for us, and that Sasuke could never defile, no matter what kinds of things they did together because no matter what he did, that bed wouldn’t get any dirtier and funkier than it already is. I think that's why catching them the second time hurt so much more; why I couldn't just ignore or accept what was happening any longer.

It takes a special kind of idiot to just accept their spouse cheating on them.

Huh, what happened?

It was either canon or common sense screaming out in pain from all the abuse it takes from this fic.

Right, I should probably tell you about that time, so you'll understand.

I’m sure it won’t help anyone with an IQ over 90 to understand. Join me next time for the final part of this absurdity.

[oneluckyduck]

I'm on my phone right now. It doesn't show the color changes in the writing. So, for all I know, this is one of the most hilarious fanfictions ever...

[Paragon]

And here's the grand finale!

Flashback

For Naruto, he doubted his life could have been better at that moment. For he had just had sex with his wife after she got him a beer and made him a sandwich, as was her new duty. He was not only married to the girl of his dreams, but he was also well on his way to acheiving his other dream: becoming the village’s single biggest consumer of ramen, or, in ninja-ese: Hokage. As a matter of fact, he was scheduled to take over after Konoha's next hosting of the Chuunin Exams ended.

Yeah, make the switch when everything is super fucking hectic.

Given that the exams were starting in six months, he had quite a bit of last minute things to do, and was therefore kept extremely busy getting ready for the transfer.

Ninjas aren’t very good at organizing their government, are they?

It had been another typically long day, and Sakura knew that if he wasn't home by the time it got dark, he was going to be late- which usually meant after midnight.

In other news, when the sun goes down, it’s probably night outside.

Given that she sometimes had to pull long shifts at the hospital, it was something that they'd both become accustomed to.

Their honeymoon must have solely consisted of them making business calls and working on their ninja smartphones.

Most nights, by the time they got home, they were so exhausted that they usually just went straight to bed.

Sounds like a fulfilling marriage. When they aren’t working or having sex, they don’t even interact.

Sometimes, though, when their schedules had kept them apart for too long, she would wait up for him. Those were the nights that Naruto was glad to have been an Uzumaki,

Because of the Aryan features, right?

and inherited a veritable goldmine of fuinjutsu.

What is that, like, ninja techniques for penis enhancement?

As anyone who knew her- and how loud she could get normally- could surmise, Sakura was a very vocal lover;

Everyone who knows her…knows she’s really vocal in the sack. Sakura, you are a slutwhore of legendary proportions. Or one that gets sung about in tavern ballads.

and when she really came, a screamer of epic proportions.

That must be really irritating. I mean, really, really, really irritating. Like, could anyone imagine having sex with someone who kept screaming during the act? It’d be fucking annoying, not hot.

If he hadn't applied that sound suppression seal

You can just call it a gag or something, bondage is a thing.

the night before they'd first made love, then the whole village would have known everytime they were together.

Considering Sakura’s rep, I’m pretty sure it’s a safe bet to say they already know.

That night, Naruto happened to luck out. The condoms were on sale that night, so he got the new Trojans cheap. Tsunade had taken pity on him after hearing him complain about not having had time to spend with his wife, that she'd let him go much earlier than he thought she would.

Future leader, goes home early because he complains. Fan…tastic.

Naruto didn't need to be told twice; quickly cleaning up, and hurrying home. When he opened the door, he noticed that it was very quiet in the house. He knew that Sakura was home- her keys were in the tray, and her sandals were by the door- so he should have been able to hear something. That's when it clicked. When it was usually that quiet, Sakura had waited up for him, and was in their bedroom, waiting to pounce on him the moment he came in.

At that point, she would normally shout, “SURPRISE FULL FRONTAL SEX!”

He wasn't really surprised, especially since they hadn't had any time to themselves in almost a month.

And of course, if you haven’t fucked your wife in a month, you’re doing something wrong. Get over yourself, Brat.

Slipping off his sandals, Naruto made his way through the house to the bedroom he shared with his wife. When he got to the bedroom door, he was surprised to find the sound suppression seal on it already activated. Naruto couldn't help the lecherous grin that came over his face when he saw that seal.

I personally feel that if you’re making a ‘lecherous’ grin, you deserve to be shot.

While she'd waited up for him, she hadn't waited for him to get home to start.

She invited the local ninja Chippendales?

As he stared at the glowing seal, he knew that she was already primed and ready to go. She probably even lay out the tarp early. Just as he was reaching for the doorknob, a sneaky thought occurred to him. When she was masturbating, Sakura tended to tune the rest of the world out,

Oh, really, I thought people would become hyper-alert when they masturbate. What a special girl.

so he was going to sneak in, and pounce on her.

Because masturbating people really want to be interrupted, incoming sex or not.

Very quietly, Naruto gripped the door knob, and slowy rotated it. The door never made a sound as he slowly pushed the door open a tiny crack. While the door remained closed, the seal would block all sound from escaping the room. When the door opened, however, there was a break in the seals, and so all of the sound being suppressed would be let out.

Because the reader cannot infer that from the previous sentence.

As soon as he had broken the seal, his ears were filled with the sounds of the heavy breathing that came with sexual exertion, as well as a woman's moaning.

He could be in one of those wacky, ‘hilarious’ fanfics that involve a lot of euphemisms but not actual sex, and then the two suspected of having sex weren’t even having sex at all! Ahahaaa, I’d rather read about that at this point.

Hearing Sakura moan always gave him goosebumps, and made the hair on his neck stand on end. If there was one thing that Naruto loved more than Sakura and ramen, it was the sounds she made when they made love.

He loves the sounds his wife makes during sex MORE THAN HIS WIFE. Brat, this is why you will die alone surrounded by your hoarded cats. If you don’t understand why this is sufficient evidence to support that theory, you need to go die, period.

Those sounds had always meant that he could do something for Sakura that no other man ever could.

Y’know pretty much ANYONE could do that if they had enough skill, right?

Those sounds were her acknowledgement of the love and effort he put into making her happy; her confirmation that she loved him back, and that he was indeed the only man for her.

He has to hear that during sex? She can’t just say it? He can’t just say it? No wonder the marriage fell apart, they never COMMUNICATED OUTSIDE SEX.

Unfortunately, that seemed to be no longer true, because those weren't the only sounds he heard.

He heard god-awful quacking sounds, too? Or maybe barking?

While the sounds of Sakura in the throes of passion were expected, the sound of a man moaning, and skin smacking against skin, were not.

No, that’s all the sounds I’d expect from a girl masturbating while watching porn.

Given the fact that Sakura was in there, and he was out here, the latter two were sounds that he was pretty certain should be absent.

Well, it isn’t like he took the time to learn anything else about his wife besides what gets her off.

Steeling himself, Naruto moved his head

which one? That’s important, all things considered.

to get a better look, hoping that he wasn't about to see what he feared he was going to see. When he got into a position where he could see what was going on, the blood rushed from his face, and to his other head, leaving him almost sickly pale.

Naruto felt a lump form in his throat as he felt his heart break like it only had one other time in his life, his.

Nice job on telling us shit, Brat. I’m sure you found that the sex scenes were more important to focus on than any kind of background. Way to cut it off right there.

Now he could see what the smaking sounds were.

The hell is smaking? And how can you see a sound?

Sasuke was laying on his back, with his wife on top of him.

Well, if Sasuke’s wife was on top of him, I don’t see a problem. I mean it’s kinda weird that he’s out of prison and fucking her in his old friend’s house, but…oh, was Brat talking about Naruto’s wife? Oh, well. That’s different.

Both of them were naked; Naruto could see her bare breasts bouncing up and down in time with her frenzied movements.

Are her breasts on her back?

Her eyes were closed, and she was biting her lip, a sign he knew meant that she was about to peak.

Does anybody do that before orgasm? Doesn’t it usually involve a lot more, say, noise?

And just as he'd expected she would, Sakura threw her head back and screamed out HIS name while she shook on top of him.

Brat, when you don’t name names, we have no idea who she is screaming for. Or who she’s fucking at this point. Brat seems to be fine with people joining in on the activity.

The first time, seeing them in the act had hurt, but that was nothing compared to this.

He could be having a cardiovascular arrest, a stroke, or some kind of embolism. Or indigestion.

Seeing his wife, the woman he loved so much, being brought to orgasm by another man...that hurt more than he ever thought it was possible to.

Pft. He’s already seen it once, and NOW he’s getting pissed?

What hurt the absolute most, was where he caught them. Not only had the bastard defiled his wife, but had the nerve to do so in his home. Moreover, that sonova had invaded the sanctity of their bedroom, had taken his wife in their special place, and violated it as if it were his to do so.

Well, it isn’t like that bed could get any fucking dirtier…

With insane stealth and speed, Naruto left the house- neither of the two lovers realizing that he'd been witness to their illicit affair.

So he didn’t go in there, beat the shit out of the guy or anything? Weak show, there, Brat. way to show how much our hero truly loves his wife.

Flashback end

Thank fuck.

“The sad thing is, even after catching them in the act, in our bed no less, I still loved her- still do I think.

Why is everyone in this fic so fucking retarded?

After that last time, though, I don't think I could have taken catching Sakura with him in our bed again- not without doing something very Kyuubi like that I would have regretted later.

What, like humping someone’s leg? Foxes do that. Or maybe destroying the village? Yeah, he’ll make a good leader.

Because of this, I did what I had to do to keep it from happening again.

Have the other guy arrested?

I began coming home much later than normal,

No really, everyone in this fic has an IQ under 50, what’s up with that?

usually at a time just after I knew Sakura had gone to bed, late enough that I knew they'd be long finished and removed all traces of their infidelity.

So if you spouse is cheating on you, FACILITATE THE AFFAIR. That makes perfect sense!

Sometimes I didn't even come home, making excuses of work when I could get away with it- baachan being lazy mostly- and slept on the couch in the Hokage's office. I don't doubt for a second that this probably drove her into Sasuke's arms even more, and if it did, I can't exactly blame her.

Dude, you don’t deserve a woman if you’re going to be this stupid. Keep you idiot out of the ninja gene pool.

I wanted to, though. I wanted to blame it all on Sakura and Sasuke, but I know that it was just as much my fault too.

Uh, yeah, because you pretty much facilitated the thing.

She and Sasuke defiled the relationship we were supposed to be having, but I did the same thing with Hinata, even if only once.

You know what would fix everything? Foursome. Just saying.

Even worse, I let my guilt at doing so force a marriage that I knew wouldn't work, that I knew was based on deception.

He is realizing this months after he married, everyone.

I finally understand that Sakura was never meant to be mine, and I'm finally ready to do what's necessary.

Divorce?

If Sakura wants to be with Sasuke, then I'll move out of the way, and let her have her happiness.

So everybody is allowed to cheat on everybody and all is well. Uhuh, yeah.

I think I'll always love her, but now I'm finally ready to move on. Thanks dad, for listening. I really needed this talk."

He can’t actually believe his father is alive…right? I mean, considering his level of mental acuity in this fic so far…

Looking up at the stars, Naruto took in a deep, cleansing breath, and let it out, along with all of the pain of his wife's betrayal and all the contents of his bowels. 'Goodbye, Sakura.' Standing, Naruto gave his intestines a small stretch.

Sakura's eyes were starting to fill with tar-filled tears as she listened to his hearfelt confession.

Everybody’s bodily organs are getting affected in this fic.

The depth of love he had for her making her feel guilty about what she'd done, and more horrible than she thought she could ever feel. Sakura had heard many times that while Naruto could overcome practically anything, sudden diarrhea notwithstanding, she was the only thing that could truly break him mainly because of her mannish strength. Listening to him vent his frustrations, she now understood what that meant.

She is JUST NOW realizing what that means. Girl, you don’t deserve a man either.

What hurt more than anything, though, was the knowledge of just how close she had come to doing just that.

What he said next though, would nearly break the woman.

They just keep nearly breaking each other. Maybe they really are meant for each other. And then they can have a false marriage and children that are just as retarded as they are. Happy ending.

"While it's probably not the smartest idea all things considered, I think I'm gonna go visit Hinata in the morning."

Yeah, that’s fucking smart. Brat, do you really think people are THIS IDIOTIC?!

Naruto said to no one. "The ship may have passed for any kind of romance,

Oh, hahaha. Haha. Ha. Ahhhhhhahahaaaaaa. That isn’t funny, you retarded fuck.

but at least I'll have someone to talk to who understands what it's like to have the person you love choose another over you. She always was good at helping me understand things because I usually have so much trouble with like, everything involving thinking. See you later dad, maybe next time I visit, I'll have a happier story for you like Twilight." With that, he leapt off the monument, ensuring his death at the hands of the ground and disappeared into the night.

It was as she watched him vanish that Sakura realized just what it was she was losing.

Her lunch, which consisted entirely of about ten men’s semen?

While the forbidden nature of her affair with Sasuke added a certain level of excitement to their couplings, Sasuke was often times hit or miss depending on his mood.

Isn’t that, like, true of everyone?

On the other hand, sex with her husband was always passionate, and nothing short of spectacular.

And that’s the only thing that matters.

That's not to say he wasn't good, because Sasuke could be very good when the mood struck him. But that was just it- when the mood struck him.

Other times, he’d just whine and complain about how he hated his brother.

There were quite a few times that he'd fallen short of makinmaking her climax.

My God, that must have been awkward. I mean, like there would have been this sudden stoppage of action for a few moments.

With her husband, there had only been one time that he hadn't gotten the job done, and that had been their first time together, when he was still a virgin. She tended not to even count that time

“oh yeah the first time totally doesn’t count” uhuh, right.

considering the fact that he'd recovered within three minutes, and then put her into a deep sleep that she hadn't woken from until the next afternoon.

That’s not how sex works at all, Brat. There is literally so much wrong with that last sentence I don’t even want to start. Please see my mock of his lemon writing guide to see everything wrong with how Brat writes sex.

The differences were plainly obvious when one thought about it. With Sasuke there was no love, no passion, just sex.

So she’s into passionless sex. Awesome.

Naruto on the other hand loved her, and always did everything he could to convey that message when they were together. Whether it was slow and tender love making, or hard and fast fucking her silly, Naruto always delivered;

This is starting to sound like a weird infomercial…’HI, BILLY MAYS HERE WITH THE NEW NARUTO SEX TOY. WHETHER SLOW AND TENDER OR HARD AND FAST, THE NARUTO ALWAYS DELIVERS THE BEST FUCK. THE SECRET IS IN THE SPECIAL XXX TECHNOLOGY THAT MAKES EVERYTHING FEEL LIKE FANFIC SEX! CALL RIGHT NOW, AND I’LL DOUBLE THE OFFER! THAT’S RIGHT, TWO NARUTOS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE. CALL NOW, AND I’LL THROW IN THE CWC CERTIFIED VIBRATOR, A FOUR DOLLAR VALUE, YOURS. SO YOU GET THE NARUTO, AN EXTRA NARUTO AND THE CWC VIBRATOR FOR $19.99! CALL NOW.’

in turn she tended to do the same, and give herself more fully to his attentions. She'd lost count of the number of times she'd cum and woke up the next morning not remembering when she even fell asleep.

Sounds like every Saturday night for the last four years for me…

On top of that, the emotional connection she had with her cousing just couldn't be compared to.

Brat’s masturbation must have finally started to fuck with his English skills. What the hell are you talking about, Brat?

Even when they weren't enjoying the carnal side of their marriage, the would enjoy the carnal side of their marriage. just being with Naruto was its own reward.

Sakura knew at that moment, that she was willing to do anything to keep Naruto, even if it meant him spending the night with another woman for every time she was with Sasuke and filming it. She didn't care that he'd only married her because he'd felt guilty about sleeping with Hinata.

I would. I’d be pretty fucking pissed about that. Then again, I wouldn’t be CHEATING ON MY HUSBAND IN THE FIRST PLACE.

She'd grown to love Naruto very deeply, and the guilt of her infidelity ate at her every time she succumbed to Sasuke's attentions.

So why the fuck did she keep doing it if the dude wasn’t even that great?

If there was any chance at all of salvaging her marriage to Naruto, then she was willing to try and start over, and make things work.

Bondage? Murdering all the other women? Sudden unexplainable pregnancy?

She really hoped that home pregnancy test she'd taken was wrong,

Called it, ‘sudden unexplainable pregnancy’!

and that she was carrying Naruto's child, and not just coming down with something. She was pretty sure that that was the only way she was going to save her marriage at this point.

She didn’t consider the option of ‘talk about it’ at all, did she?

888888

In the interest of fairness, I allowed the readers to choose how this sordid tail ends.

In a long poisonous barb. Fuck yeah.

Now, just to make this clear, I will be writing and posting both endings,

Spoiler alert: he doesn’t write EITHER.

so you can choose whichever one you prefer, but the winner will be the first posted, and will be the official ending to this story.

Fanfic canon matters, obv.

UPDATE

As of 6:45am, 3/15/2012, I officially cut off voting after having to sift through fifty-five reviews.

That means fifty five people had a low enough IQ to read through this story and take a side.

Didn't think I could take doing that again, and to be frankly honest, I got tired of reviews voting for split just because they don't like Sakura in general ~and just by reading the review, you could tell~.

Oh, I can tell WITHOUT writing the review. Why the fuck do you feel the need to clarify such stupid things, Brat!?

So, the final count is split end- 30, stay end- 25. Apparently there are far more people interesting in Sakura 'getting hers', than seeing a new twist on an old, tired cliche be the official ending.

How is any of this an old, tired cliché? I have NEVER read a divorce fic before! Then again, I guess most fanfic writers are smart enough to know not to touch the subject.

Sigh, and here I was hoping that people could get past their Sakura biases to explore something different.

And here I thought you’d be less of an arrogant douchebag…

Next time, Paragon takes on Hotsauce's 'Twi and Me'

[Nihilistic One]

Welp, this was terrible. The story, not the mock. Jesus Christ, what is it with this guy and double standards? Regardless, this was hilarious! By the way, I hope this doesn't sound like I'm stealing your thunder, but after I finish the next chapter of Trixie's Magic Bit, I'm going to get in on mocking NarutosBrat stories, starting with "Drunken Mistakes."

[Paragon]

Hey, knock yourself out. It'd be a crime if this guy's stories went unmocked!

[Zana]

Oh wow, that was terrible and so contrived...and it didn't even occur to the author that maybe the reason more people voted for them to split is not because they all hate Sakura, but because the marriage he portrayed was awful and both characters were idiots? (Or am I giving those reviewers too much credit?)

Whelp, good mock either way. You got me through the stupid, Paragon.

[truthordeal]

I think this guy got all of his love advice from soap operas. Or pro wrestling. Either way.