The Second Annual Project AFTER Group Mockery, Garden of EVA Book 1: Sucks Options

[T_K_17]

It feels weird reading this story in chronological order, instead of backwards, but it worked anyway. Great job, Max.

[oneluckyduck]

Very, very funny, as always Max darlin'. You were perfect~ for this chapter!

[xoxjoanxox]

God, if I see the word 'mighty oak' one more time...

[Olympion]

Another great mock, but damn, these chapters just keep getting worse and worse. And the nonsense following the Misato joystick joke seriously made me facepalm. I mean, did Jim feel that was too subtle a dick joke, and that he therefore had to explain to us what he really meant? Man, he really is clueless

[oneluckyduck]

You know, there's a mighty oak growing by our house.
The mighty oak is considered a gateway in Celtic lore.
Mighty oak is a terrible euphmism
If you type eup into my searchbar, euphmism is one of the first choices.
This story would be much funnier if all the mighty oaks actually were oak trees, and the boys were genetic experiments.
Actually, that would just be stupid.
Stupid like your mom.
But not yours.

[Al_Cone]

Garden of EVA returns with a sixth installment, prodigiously mocked by Yaoi Huntress Earth. Having successfully navigated through multiple barrages of idiocy from the infamous Disneyfan and her totally not a Kingdom Hearts rip-off no siree bob fanfic, this plucky, enterprising young critic of amateur writing plundered the sixth chapter with a vengeance. Having refused her offer of surrender, I can safely say that Mr. Lazar and his vision of a world where every single thing on the planet has an unrealistically powerful libido totally deserve every single thing she says about them.



*******

Garden of EVA 1:6 - Love Sucks!
Book 1: Sucks
==========================

Round three.

Misato was running full speed towards two of the blue enemy units.
As she neared them, she screamed when they started firing bullets and
rocket shells at her.

Misato: Allah promised me a thousand virgins if I blow myself up right now.

<Stupid little brats.> Whether she was thinking
about the enemy or her teammates who had forced her and Kaji into
playing in the championships was anybody's guess.

"Misato, two second jump jet burst! NOW!!" Hikari ordered over the
intercom.

Misato frantically searched her controls. "Jump jets... jump
jets..."

Misato: Why did I pretend to pay attention to them?

Hikari sighed irritably. "Left thumb button! Hold it down for two
seconds!!"

Misato's entry plug shook under the impact of another explosive
shell. "Ah!!" She held down the button Hikari indicated, which caused
her Eva's jump jets to ignite and lift her Eva into the air. As it rose
into the air, it flailed its arms wildly.

Why do I have the feeling the author wanted to do a crossover fic with that video game-battle card cartoon whose name I'm too lazy to look up and all I remember is that it had an annoying fat teenager in it and the villains had British accents, but went with this instead?

Her displays showed the scenery and the attacking Eva's diminishing under her. "Oh shit!!! I'mafraid of heights!" After the two seconds had elapsed many times over, she finally let go of the button when she had to put her hands over her
mouth in order to avoid making a mess in the entry plug.

*Starts clicking on remote control* Damn it, come on story, move faster!

After tracing a smooth arc over the two enemy Evas, her Eva touched
down. The jarring of the entry plug as she landed caused her to finally
lose her lunch. As she had been told to do if not instructed to do
anything else, Misato took off running in a straight line again. As she
ran, she wiped the sushi off the front display.

The two blue Evas that she had just jumped over spun around and
gave chase.

Evas: Must...perform...mercy kill...

Hikari smiled at her tactical display as she traded sword blows
with another Unit Five like her own. <Not bad. She got two of them away
from the main battle. If she can keep them busy long enough...>

Hikari: We can win and laugh at her for being such a loser.

So concerned over Misato, Hikari almost missed seeing a second Eva with a progressive knife lunge at her from behind. She did a quick side flip and dodged the attack. She followed with a quick swing of her sword and managed to slice her attacker between two pieces of armor covering its leg. Blood spurted out of the wound.

Without any time to relax, Hikari deflected a sword blow from her
original opponent. <Shit.> She scanned the tactical display and saw that
she was pretty much on her own.

What do you mean I can't fast forward through this crap?!

Although the second Eva was wounded, it was merely a flesh wound
and wouldn't prove to be too much of a problem to the pilot.

Which caused her to lose more limbs until she was hopping on one foot. There, I made a Monty Python reference, now you geeks can leave me alone.

Hikari wasmanaging to fend off their blows, but was being slowly pushed backwards
towards a group of buildings. <They're trying to pin me down.>

This is the rapiest chapter yet.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka swung her pike in a wide arc, slicing two nearby Angels in
half before her pike embedded itself in her real opponent: a blue Unit
One.

Asuka felt her pike enter the soft flesh of her opponent and smiled
in triumph. "Now, Kaji!!"

Asuka: Do something to make me hate you!

Kaji swung around in his Unit Eight and hefted his long-range rifle
in his arms. He pointed it towards the Eva Asuka had skewered and
fingered the trigger. <Line up the target... squeeze the trigger...> He
remembered his quick and dirty training and blasted away. The bullets
went wide of the target. Way wide. A nest of the sickeningly cute Angel
babies went up in smoke instead of the Eva.

"Pika.... chuuuuuuuuu!"

Nooooo. Pikachu still makes me squee.

"Dummkopf! Line up the target first!!" Asuka was barely able to
hold her enemy still using her long pike. Unfortunately, she couldn't
finish off the enemy without first releasing it from the end of her
pike. Under normal circumstances, she might be able to withdraw the pike
and

Get mind-raped to classical music.

dispatch the Eva before it could damage her, but she could see
another enemy Eva approaching fast from her flank. "Kaji! Blast this
thing fast!!"

Kaji's reply came over the intercom. "I'm trying... this thing
won't fire straight."

"You child molesting, half-inch-long dick, shit for brains! Blast
this Eva on the end of my pike before the one coming up from behind me kills me!!"

Is it wrong that I feel sorry for this poor bastard?

"You little slut!!" Kaji emptied his clip in the direction of Asuka
and hit the Eva at the end of her pike instead. It went up in a huge
ball of fire.

<Just as I thought... he can't shoot to save my life unless he's
trying to kill me.>

Really, really sorry.

As she gloated about her cleverness in getting him
to finally hit the target, she spun around just in time to slash her
other attacker across his Eva's chest. "Ha!"

She did a side flip and parried one of the arm blades of the Unit
Ten. <Crap... I hate these damn Tens.> She managed a glancing blow to its shoulder, but in the follow up the enemy got his left blade through
her defenses and cleanly sliced off her right arm.

Yawn, gag, snore.

Asuka's entry plug shuddered at the blow. She glanced at her damage
display. "Only a flesh wound... Kaji! Will you put a new clip in and
start firing at this guy already?"

"I can't get a clear shot!"

"Like that would help!!" She grinned as he started firing again. As
the enemy unit exploded, she cheered. Her cheering stopped when the
explosion blew off her right leg. "Shit!" She hopped around, using all
her skill to keep her balance.

Damn. If I'd waited a moment longer, the story would have made the Monty Python reference for me.

A warning from Kaji saved her life. "Asuka, look out, five
o'clock!" Or would have saved her life if he'd gotten the direction
correct.

Asuka looked at five o'clock and was promptly impaled by a sword
from the opposite direction. "You bastard!! You two-timing,
mother-fu..." The rest of her expletives where cut off when her Eva
exploded and her intercom was automatically disabled.

Given that I've only seen one episode of this series because Asuka chased me away by being her, does she really swear this much?

-E- -V- -A-

Hikari saw Asuka's indicator fade from the tactical map. "Shit,
we've lost Asuka.

And there was much rejoicing.

Shit, now I can't stop making references.

It's six to five now." Although one of their drones
was still firing away at two blue Eva's that were attacking Touji,
Hikari never included drones in her counts. If Kaji didn't technically
have two kills already and Misato didn't have two of the enemies chasing her--and thus not bothering the rest of the Dark Eva Knights--she'd have considered the count six to three.

Hikari's sword flashed out again and scraped across her enemy's
sword, causing sparks to fly. <This guy has got to be the best Eva
swordsman I've ever fought. He's countered every blow I've thrown at
him.> She scanned the surrounding area. <How can I stop this jerk?
Everyone is occupied...>

There's a little thing called bribing him with sex. It's apparently built into the game.

Hikari saw one of the enemy Eva's vanish from
her display. "Good going, Kensuke!! Um... Touji could use some help...
the one that killed Asuka is almost on top of him and he's got two on
top of him already."

"Already on my way... what about you?"

"I'm one on one with this guy... he's good, but I can handle him."

Hey kids, can we say, "famous last words."

As she talked, she spotted something in her side display. She did a side
flip to get into position.

"Kaji... see if you can blast any of the Evas by Touji."

Hikari saw a building about a hundred meters from Touji go up in
flames. "Aim the gun, dammit!!"

"I'm trying, you brat!"

"My parents are voters..."

Hikari: And they don't give a shit about my political views at all.

Kaji shuddered in his entry plug and his political instincts took
over. "Aim... squeeze..."

One of the Evas attacking Touji suddenly went up in flames.

"Shit... he did it," Hikari gasped in surprise. She returned her
full attention to the Eva attacking her and managed to goad it into the
proper position. She traded blows with her enemy until she managed to
drag her sword down his, producing a long trail of sparks. The sparks
hit the nearby tanker truck that Hikari had spotted earlier and a
fireball engulfed both Evas.

Hikari had been expecting the explosion, so had the chance to hit
her jump jets and escape with only minor damage to her Eva. Well, minor compared to the smoking ruins of her opponent. Since she was missing her left hand and a chunk of her left thigh, she was hardly in primecondition when she landed.

"Four to five... we can do this!!"

And given that they're the main characters, of course they will.

Misato suddenly ran by Hikari. Although shocked by her and her
pursuers' sudden appearance, Hikari managed to slice off the arm of oneof Misato's pursuers before it sliced her head off.

"Damn..." Hikari pounded her dead controls. "That moron! Leading
them right back to the main battle!"

-E- -V- -A-

Hasamoto and his gang watched the game with keen interest.

"Um... where did they get those two new players?"

"They're pretty bad..."

"But the team is holding their own... so far."

Hasamoto grunted, ending the idle speculation from his gang.

Does anyone else keep accidentally reading his name as "Hamtaro" or is that just my purple drank kicking in?

"It's obvious that the two new players are amateurs, but they're using them pretty cleverly to help keep the enemy away from the good players.
That's always been Yohada's biggest problem with his team... no tactical skills. We'd be able to beat them easily this year with Makie-" He looked a the newest member of the team, a small geeky looking boy with glasses. "-to outsmart them... but the Dark Eva Knights..."

One of the tall boys laughed. "Ha! With only four good players?
Even if they get to the finals we could..."

Let them win out of pity.

Hasamoto glared at he boy. "Idiot! Even with only four good
players they are holding their own against that team of eight good
players... who almost beat us last year, if you recall."

"Oh yeah... even after we drugged their food."

Hasamoto glared at the boy who had just spoken. "I haven't
forgiven you for screwing up the dosage, you know. They were just drowsy instead of falling asleep entirely."

The boy was saved by a comment from other of the other boys. "Uh
oh... the Dark Eva Knights just killed another enemy... four to three
now."

Hasamoto eyes burned with rage. "We need some time... Makie, fry
that sucker."

Perhaps a healthy helping of self-hypnosis will make this easier to stomach. Ommmmm~

...

No? Still here? Fuck.

The young, short boy with glasses frowned. "Now?"

"Yes... before either of the teams wins. Got it?" Hasamoto glared
at the short boy.

Makie nodded quickly and scurried off.

"That's just going to delay the finals."

Hasamoto grinned broadly. "It'll be enough to make sure both teams
suffer some more... shall we say 'losses' to their teams." He cracked
his knuckles.

Snidley Whiplash you are not.

-E- -V- -A-

Touji sliced the head of a blue Eva off and then glanced at his
tactical map. "Kensuke, you've got the last... oops." He sneered as
Kensuke's indicator faded from the display. Except for Misato, who was
running full speed across a minefield, he was the only Dark Eva Knight
left. "Guess I get to be the big hero this time." His ego overflowed
into a broad smile and he lumbered over towards the last enemy Eva, who was now chasing after Misato. "The idiot." He switched his intercom to the Dark Eva Knights general channel. "Misato... we're the only two left. I need you to..."

Touji: Slut around for twenty-six episodes.

"No... no... no.... arghhhhhh!!!!"

Touji winced in pain from the loud scream from Misato and switch
the intercom off. "I forgot that I turned it off in the first place
because of her hysterical screaming. Well, she'll be no help."

He looked at his situation. "Well, I'm missing an arm, but as long
as I don't have to jerk off, I'll be okay." He smiled at his joke and
then grabbed a discarded rifle from the ground.

Ha ha ha, he's horny, ha ha ha.

He absently pulled
Kaji's severed arm from the trigger and took aim at the enemy Eva. It
was a little awkward to use one-handed, but Touji wouldn't let a simple
missing limb stop him.

He aimed and squeezed the trigger. He frowned when he heard only a
click and turned the rifle over. Instead of a magazine, the brains from
Kaji's Eva were inside. "Nasty... Well, that's what you get when you let
someone shove a missile up your butt, moron."

And enjoy every moment of it.

He tossed the rifle away and then ran towards the enemy, scanning
the battlefield for a weapon. <Why is this guy ignoring me and running
after Misato? I mean... if she was naked and running like that, I would
understand. Hell, I'd join in the chase. But she's just another Eva to
him.> As he drew closer he found a long sword embedded in Hikari's
corpse. <I'll avenge you and pluck your virginal cherry as my reward, my
sweet Hikari.>

This is the guy Hikari wanted to save herself for? Raise your standards girl.
When he was within fifty meters of the enemy, he realized why he
was being ignored. "Ah! His sensor package has been damaged. He's blind
except for his visual monitors." A large grin grew on Touji face. "This
will be like sneaking up on a hot chick and goosing her... except I'll
goose him with my sword... hmmm... I guess I could goose women with my
'sword' too." He laughed at his sick little joke, wishing someone were
around to hear his wit.

Touji: That will teach the other pervs in my school to turn their noses and spit on me.

He approached the Eva directly from behind, knowing that most of
the Evas had a blind spot that the tactical display made up for. But
since this Eva was damaged, it was unable to spot Touji's approach.

Suddenly, Misato veered left to avoid a huge diamond shaped angel
that was approaching her.

"Shit!" Touji cried out and tried to adjust his attack in time, but
it was too late.

The enemy Unit Ten turned to pursue Misato and in the process, the
pilot saw Touji out of the side of his entry plug. The Eva's left arm
blade came up and slashed Touji's remaining hand off.

Look at that. He's been...

...

DIS-ARMED.

"Shit!" Touji barely jumped back in time to avoid the follow-up
swing from the Eva's right arm blade. He glanced at the self-destruct
system, wishing he could use it to take out the last enemy and leave
Misato as the sole survivor, but that system was disabled during
tournament play.

He extended his flexible arm and used it to keep the enemy at arms
length as he backed away as fast as he could. Unfortunately, that 'arms
length' was decreasing rapidly as his enemy chopped sections of his
extended arm off with each swing of his arm blades.

You know, if you squint really hard, this fic still sucks. But it's blurrier and harder to see, which, somehow, makes it easier.

Touji checked his tactical map and smiled at what he saw. "He won't
see it coming without his sensor package." He laughed as he slowly
guided his enemy into position. Touji keyed his systems to sever his
arm, turned to his right, and took off running at full speed.

His opponent was taken by surprise and looked at the fallen limb to
make sure there wasn't a grenade or some other nasty surprise left
behind with it. After confirming that the arm was just an arm--or most
of an arm by that point--he started running after Touji. Without his
tactical map he scanned the battlefield carefully, wary of a trap.

Maybe this funny white powder will do for me what meditation did not.

Suddenly, Touji disappeared over a hill in front of him. Not wanting to
give Touji time to setup a trap, he bounded over the hill in front of
him ready to slice Touji into pieces with his arm blades.

Instead, he found himself teetering on the edge of a steep canyon.
"Shit!!" he cried out and tried to keep his Eva from going over the
edge.

Damn, it didn't. Although I suddenly feel as though there are enemies all around me.

Down below, Touji watched his enemy as he plunged towards the
canyon floor. "Shit... go over!!" The last thing he saw was his enemy
take a step backwards and avoid the plunge. "Damn."

As Touji's screen when dark, he slammed his fists against the
controls. "Damn... damn... damn..."

-E- -V- -A-

The last member of the blue team, a pimple-faced boy named Hidoe,
smiled as he managed to keep his balance and then step back from the
edge of the crevasse. He grinned broadly and turned around.

Hidoe: Now I'm the one that can make the lame, sexual "jokes".

The grin vanished when Hidoe saw Misato's Unit Sixteen running full
speed directly at him. He tried to get out of the way, but was pushed
over the edge when she ran into him. The two Evas tumbled off the
cliff's edge locked in a twisted ball and fell into the deep canyon
below.

"Oh shit!!" Misato cried as she saw the ground rushing at her. She
scanned for the off switch, but didn't find it. Mostly since there
wasn't one. "I don't like this game!!"

Or the fic attached to it.

She suddenly remembered the jump jets and figured they might help
her in this situation. "What I really need is a parachute, but..." She
scanned the controls. "Where was that button again?"

The ground came closer and Misato just started pressing buttons at
random. In the course of her pressings she managed to sever her left
arm, turn on her fog lights, set off a signal flare, clean her front
visual sensors, and fire a spike pack from her shoulder holster.

The spikes from the pack exploded outward and actually managed to hit the
enemy Eva.

Yeah! Take that mother fucker! *Flips the bird on both hands* Oh wait. That's the game I'm playing. Never mind.

The two Evas pulled apart and continued their plunge
separately. Although it wouldn't save her life, she also managed to
trigger her armor release.

As Hidoe watched, the armor fell off Misato's Eva and revealed the
featureless female body underneath. Without the sex cheat enabled, all
he saw was a pair of nipple-less breasts and an opening-less, hairless
groin. It was still enough for him to get a massive nosebleed. Since he
had no idea what a real girl looked like naked anyway,

Just like all other Eva fans on this planet.

he just assumedthat all women looked like that. All his favorite anime TV shows showed
that women were really like that, after all. <How do women piss, anyway?>

Out of the thing that's the same length as your cock.

Finally, Misato managed to trigger the jump jets and slowed her
descent. She grinned from ear to ear as her Eva started to gain some
altitude.

Hidoe wiped the blood off his nose and forward screen. He laughed
after seeing Misato's Eva rise on a plume of smoke. "Fool... you'll run
out of propellant long before you reach the top and then fall to your
death." He smugly calculated his rate of descent against his available
propellant and waited until the last moment to fire his jump jets in
order to make a soft landing on the canyon floor.

*yawn* She'll win anyway.

Misato's jump jets gave out just as her opponent's ignited. "Oh...
shit." She found herself falling again.

"Oh shit!!" Hidoe cried out at about the same time when he realized
that only one of his jump jets had ignited. He toggled the manual
igniter for the second jet a few times trying to get it to fire. "Oh
fuck!!" he shouted when the second jump jet fired, but in the wrong
direction.

No, Septimus the Disgruntled Imaginary Serpent, I'm not skimming through this!

Outside, a single spike from Misato's earlier accidental firing of
her spike pack had been driven into one of the jump jet nozzles. The
spike had damaged the control systems and deflected the nozzle of the
second jet to the side.

His Eva spun around like a firecracker until it finally impacted
against the canyon wall and exploded in a huge fireball.

"Oh... pretty!!" Misato commented and smiled. Her smile vanished
when her entry plug exploded in a series of multi-colored sparks. Real
sparks.

Odd, there's an explosion, but I don't care...

-E- -V- -A-

Moments earlier, Makie crouched in a dark cabinet filled with wires
and circuit boards. "Damn... this is impossible." He pulled out a mass
of wires and gaped at them. "Which one is it?"

The one labeled, "History Eraser Button."

He started cutting the wires, one after the other. "Nope... nope...
nope... aaaaacckkkk!" He convulsed in pain as the electricity flowed
through him.

Smoke rose from the young boy's hair. "That's the one..." Shaking
his head to clear it, he stripped the insulation off the wire and moved
it towards a capacitor on one of the circuit board. He gritted his teeth
and closed his eyes as the wire touched the capacitor.

You see, it is funny because he has harmed himself grievously without meaning to. Jim Lazar is a comic genius.

Small cabinet he was in was quickly filled with sparks as he
overloaded the game systems.

-E- -V- -A-

Hikari, Asuka, ad Kensuke stared at the displays in the briefing
area in disbelief.

"She... won?" Asuka gasped.

"Impossible."

"Wow. I didn't even calculate the odds of Misato winning if she was
the only one left. It is about as ridiculous as Hikari and me sle..."
Kensuke shut up fast before Hikari could kill him for spilling the beans
about him planting his tree in her forest. "Well, err... um..."

Poor Asuka, now she can't be a bitch to her any more.

Before Kensuke could dig himself deeper into trouble, Touji walked
out of the launch bay with a huge frown plastered on his face. "Sorry
guys... I blew it."

Hikari giggled at the forlorn look on his face. "You are so cute.
Misato managed to kill the enemy Eva and win the game for us."

Touji's jaw dropped and he looked at the monitors. On one was the
frozen image of the players' stats. Only Misato's Eva was listed as
functional. "Wow... I don't believe it." He frowned again when he saw
all the other monitors were displaying digital static. "What's wrong
with the other displays?"

The author decided to ruin them.

"Who cares! We won!!" Asuka threw her fist triumphantly into the
air.

"It's a miracle!" Hikari started to laugh.

"No, just an improbable series of events that..." Kensuke's serious
demeanor vanished as he couldn't hold back any more. "...allowed us win
the game. We are so great!"

As Kaji sat nearby and brooded, the gang started to dance around
and celebrate. The four teenagers all hugged each other.

And got into an sadly awkward orgy. Hey, Shinji can't hold the monopoly on creepy sex scenes.

Kensuke and Hikari exchanged embarrassed smiles when the group hug
broke up.

Asuka decided not to kill Touji for feeling her up. <I'll give him
this one for free. I'm too happy to make him a eunuch today.>

Their celebration was cut short when a group of the game center's
workers rushed by. "Out of the way... there's something wrong with the
system!!"

-E- -V- -A-

The gang looked on concerned as they wheeled Misato out on a
stretcher. Kaji rushed to Misato's side. "Oh my... how could I have let
you do something so dangerous?"

Misato looked vacantly into Kaji's eyes and made some gurgling
noises.

Translation: SOS. Please kill me.

"Don't try to speak. I love you." Kaji kissed her sweetly on the
lips.

Misato moved her jaws as if to speak. Kaji bent down and placed his
ear to her mouth. As he heard her whisper, he smiled. "Don't worry about
that. Right now, you are my only concern. I'm sure there isn't a
reporter within miles of here." He bent down and kissed her again.

Suddenly, a man popped up and took a picture of the kissing couple.
"What a scoop!!"

Man: I never thought I'd ever see someone get to first base.

Kaji started to chase the photographer but lost him in the crowd
surrounding them. "Shit."

-E- -V- -A-

One of the Eva championship organizers stood at the front of the
assembled crowd, which included Asuka, Hikari, Touji, and Kensuke. Kaji
had gone to the hospital with Misato. Fortunately, she wasn't hurt too
badly and only had a few minor electrical burns. "Ladies and gentlemen.
The game systems have suffered a huge power surge that overwhelmed our
protection circuits. Unfortunately, we will not be able to hold the
finals tomorrow. We will reschedule for a later date either here or at
the Eva center in Tokyo-3."

There was a lot of grumbling and complaints from the crowd, but one
angry voice was heard over the rest. "What about that last game? Did we
win?" Asuka asked, since they never announced the official results after
Misato got her butt fried.

I wonder, if I killed the author, would any jury convict me?

The other members of the Dark Eva Knights added their voices to her
question while their opponents tried to claim that their last player was
still alive when the game was damaged.

"He was not, you asshole!" Asuka glared at the other team.

The organizer in front waved her hands. "Quiet... quiet. We have
reviewed the data from the game and it does appear that the last 'Mother
Fucker'-" She paused to shake her head sadly at the lame names that some
of the teams chose. "-died two point one five seconds before the power
surge. So the Dark Eva Knights are the winners of the third round and
will advance to the final championship round and play the Rampaging
Evas."

Yay, now Asuka's got something new to screech about.

The gang all cheered and hugged each other. In their excitement,
Hikari and Kensuke exchanged a light kiss. They quickly moved away and
tried to hide their embarrassment. Touji meanwhile was taunting the
other team. "Buttholes! You lost... you lost... the Mother Fuckers are a
bunch of losers!"

Do you suppose "Bunch of Losers" is a more dignified name than "Mother Fuckers"?

Needless to say, Touji was beaten up by eight pissed off boys.

And no one did anything to help him because fuck Touji, I guess.

-E- -V- -A-
"Makie, you fucking idiot!" Hasamoto kicked the trembling boy
again. "I told you to make sure to fry the game BEFORE either team won!"
Another kick.

Makie grimaced from the impact and curled up tightly in a ball. "I
tried... I did my best."

"That's not good enough!" Another kick.

Neither is the writing in this story. You could replace the cast with original characters and little would change.

The sole girl in Hasamoto's team grabbed Hasamoto's shoulder.
"Hassy... please... don't hurt him any more. I'm sure he got the point."

Hasamoto backhanded the girl. "Shut up, bitch!! I'll teach this
little moron not to screw up my plans!!"

Hasamoto: I'm being evil for sake of being evil!

The girl fell to the floor and put a hand to the dark red welt that
had appeared on cheek that he hit. "I'm... sorry... but we'll need his
help if we're going to beat them in the final round."

Hasamoto stopped his latest kick before it connected. He considered
her words for a few seconds before kicking the bruised boy again.
"Fine... that'll be enough. But you screw up again, and I won't stop
kicking you until you're dead. Got it?"

The bleeding mass grunted.

There are no policemen in Osaka.

Except Hideaki Anno, apparently. But he has a busy schedule of crying into his hands and writing existentialist poetry, so I can understand his absence.

Hasamoto stormed out of the room. The girl started to go to help
the boy, but flinched when Hasamoto barked another order. "Rei, come
on!!"

The girl mouthed a silent 'sorry' to the boy and then scurried off
after Hasamoto. <I really wish he'd call me by my real name.>


-E- -V- -A-

Rei ran down the street wearing just her bra and part of Shinji's
torn up shirt wrapped around her waist to make an improvised skirt. As
she ran, the skirt flapped and caused occasional flashes of blue hair.
This caused passing men to stop and stare. It also caused a number of
passing cars to crash into light poles and trashcans.

Those who look upon Rei's pubic hair die ingloriously.

Shinji ran by her side, wearing the rest of his shirt as a
loincloth. In their haste to escape from the police, they had run out of
the warehouse so fast and left most of their clothes behind. If they
were swinging through the jungle on vines, they wouldn't have looked out
of place.

But instead, they were running through a district in Osaka-2
handcuffed together. If it was the red-light district, they might have
gone unnoticed and maybe even gotten jobs at one of the myriad of S and
M shops that one found in the red-light district.

But instead, they were in an upscale shopping district. The three
policemen who were chasing them did not seem to be offering them
employment either. Except maybe jobs making license plates.

And being some thug's girlfriend.

Anyway, the Tarzan and Jane wannabes held each other's hands
tightly as they dodged pedestrians and tried to evade their pursuers.
They held each other's hands not for comfort or reassurance, but to
avoid chafing.

"Shit... we've got to get out of these handcuffs and get some
clothes!"

"Don't worry about it, Shinji, you look great," Rei smiled at her
half-naked lover.

Rei: Small penises are just sooooo cute.

Her eyes brightened as she caught sight of a familiar
building. "Down that alley! Quick!!"

They hung a quick left and entered a long thin alley. Rei ran down
about halfway before bursting through an old door. She pulled Shinji
inside and slammed the door shut. She leaned against it and breathed
heavily.

Shinji looked around the small dirty room they found themselves in.
"Where are we?"

In one of Jigsaw's many traps.

Rei sighed. "It's a place I worked at for a short time." She stood
on her tiptoes and looked out the peephole. "The cops just ran by...
good. I guess they are paid to ignore this place as well as I thought
they would be."

Because much like Britney Spears, you can get VD by just looking at it.

Shinji looked around and then moved towards the inner door. He was
pulled back by Rei. "What? Isn't the place you had a friend who could
get us out of..." He rattled the handcuffs that bound them together.

"No... it was just a convenient place to hide from the cops. We'll
have to go as soon as the cops are out of the area."

"Why?"

So you won't get arrested, dumbass.

"Let's just say that I left this place under bad circumstances and
they'd probably do something worse than have us arrested if they found
us."

"Rei..." Shinji pulled her into a tight embrace. He cringed when he
heard a shout from the other side of the door.

"Hey, Akemi, your daddy warbucks is in room five!!"

Shinji looked at the inner door in a different light. "It's a...
a..."

Tea house where men and women can have nice, civil conversations while playing checkers.

Rei nodded. "It was after the miscarriage... I was really messed up
and..."

Rei: And wrote really crappy, out of character Speed Racer slash fics.

"I understand. It's okay." Shinji gave her a sweet kiss to put her
at ease and then pulled her into a tight embrace.

Rei looked out the peephole again. "We'd better get going again."
When she turned around, she smiled at the sight of Shinji's bulging
loincloth. "Well, maybe we can stay here for a bit longer."

The improvised skirt and loincloth dropped to the floor and soon
another couple added their voices to the groans and cries of passion in
the brothel.

As far as sanitary places for sex go, I'd rate "dingy Osaka brothel" just below "public restroom at a subway station".
-E- -V- -A-

"Time number three coming up," Asuka muttered absently. She barely
paused in playing her solitaire game to make the comment.

Rei just smiled slightly at the viewpoint and took notes. Suddenly
she slipped her hand down her body and touched herself. "Hmmmm, that
does feel good." She made some more notes.

Never has female masturbation been so unsexy.

"Great... Shinji's can't stop watching his perfect world fall apart
and Rei's learning the joys of masturbating."

Shinji: Eww, girls have cooties.

She flipped a card down.
"Great, I needed that card!"

"What is masturbating?" Rei asked.

"Ask your mother... I refuse to talk to you about sex anymore. If
Shinji will do me, then I'll be glad to tell you all about it, but until
then, forget it."

When will you get it through your head the guy's a eunuch?

"Okay." Rei turned and went off to find her mother.

After a short while, a shocked voice called out. "What?! Ummm...
oh no. Ask your father... oh... I guess the First Angel was your
father... well... err... oh fuck. I need a drink."

-E- -V- -A-

This post has been edited by Al_Cone: Aug 18 2011, 11:08 PM

[Al_Cone]

Rei rested on top of Shinji's naked chest, listening to the
pleasant beat of his heart. "I love you."

Shinji smiled and ran his hand through her hair. "Yeah... me too.
We'd better..."

Contemplate the meaning of existence while Kanji flashes on the screen for twenty two minutes?

Suddenly, the inner door opened and a bag of used condoms was
tossed into the room, spilling it contents over Shinji and Rei.

"Ack!!" Shinji and Rei jumped to their feet and brushed the condoms
off.

"Who are you?" the condom man asked.

"Shit, let's go..." Rei ran for the door, pulling Shinji behind
her.

Rei: We'd rather ruin our lives with a love child.

"Hey! It's that Rei slut who ripped us off!" The man pulled out a
gun and fired a bullet at their retreating backs.

Shinji ducked at the sound of the gunshot. "Bloody hell!"

Rei was leading the way through the twisted back alleys of Osaka-2.
"This way."

"Err... we forgot our clothes again."

Rei smiled and looked back at her naked lover. "You want to go back
for them?"

Shinji shook his head.

Sad thing is that this isn't too far from what happens in canon.

Rei giggled and took a moment to put her bra, which had been
dangling on the handcuffs, back on. "I think there is someone a few
blocks from here who can help us... but..." She paused when she realized
what she might have to do to get that help.

"But?"

"He might want me to... you know...

Say thank you afterwards.

to pay him back."

"NO!! I don't ever want to see you sell your body for any reason."
Rei heard the love in his voice and nodded. "Okay... thank you,
Shinji." They kissed and then Rei looked around for signs of trouble and
led him away again. "Come on... there's a girl I know who will help us."

"But not for sex with you, I hope."

"No... but she might be tempted to borrow you."

Rei: She's got even lower standards than me.

She winked, but
quickly laughed when Shinji's face went blank. "Don't worry... I'd never
share you. You're all mine."

Rei: And I'll tie you to a bed and take a sledgehammer to your legs to prove it.

She gave him a deep kiss and they took off running again.

And ran right into another couple. The four of them fell to the
ground in a heap of twisted arms and legs.

"Watch where you're going, dummkopf!!"

"Asuka?" Shinji looked up from the pair of breasts his face had
landed on. "Oh... um..."

Shinji: Is this where I start acting like girls scare me again?

Touji looked up from the breasts his face had landed on. "Wow!!
Rei, I like the new look!" He was sporting various bruises and cuts from
his earlier pummeling by the Mother Fuckers.

Rei blushed and squirmed out from under Touji, hiding her naked lap
with her free hand.

Shinji tried to hide his nakedness as he awkwardly got off Asuka,
but Asuka still got an eyeful.

And felt the last of her heterosexuality die a screaming death.

"Ouch!" Asuka rubbed her eye where Shinji had poked his semi-erect penis into it. "Watch where you point that thing!"

"Sorry."

"Why are you naked anyway, jerkoff?!" She bashed Shinji on the side of his head. "And handcuffed to Rei!" Another blow. "And getting an erection!"

Because he was no where near Asuka in a ten mile radius.

Shinji recoiled under the last blow. "Stop that!" He turned towards
Asuka and glared at her.

Asuka frowned and stared at Shinji's left ear. "What is that?"

Shinji: My little rubber ear-warmer.

Shinji looked confused and absently felt the side of his head.
"Huh?"

Asuka looked closer. "Is that... a condom?"

Rei gasped and looked around to see the used condom that was
dangling from Shinji's ear. Since she was handcuffed to his right hand,
she hadn't noticed it before. "Shinji... your ear," she hissed.

Shinji went pale as he frantically groped for the condom and threw
it off. "Err... um..." He thought furiously. "It's hair gel!! Yeah..."

Are you Cameron Diaz? Then don't.

He looked away when he thought he heard a police whistle. "Listen guys,
we don't have time to talk. Touji... give me your pants and Asuka give
Rei your skirt. Now!"

"What?!" a shocked redhead cried out.

Touji was already out of his pants and handed them to Shinji. "Need
the underwear too?"

Asuka looked crossed at Touji. "Pervert." She looked back at
Shinji. "Shinji, what the hell is going on?! Your parents came down from
Tokyo-3 and asked us to help them find you before the cops did. What did
you two do?" She glanced at the discarded condom and shuddered.

Let's see...act out a plot you can see on any CWC teen drama, put up with a cop that even Detective Gumshoe would laugh at, have Shinji's counterpart whine like a bitch, have creepy incest, run around in an attempt to make the story funny and then run into you.

Shinji gulped. "Err... um... my parents?"

"Yeah... they showed up right as we were leaving the Eva center!"

Did Betty Ford sponsor that clinic too?

"The Eva championships!" Shinji slapped his forehead. Then Rei
slapped him too. Shinji winced in pain and recalled that they were
handcuffed together. "Damn... I forgot about the cuffs." He looked at
Touji. "How'd you do?"

Touji smiled proudly. "We won... barely. But the game system is
fried so..."

No one will be bored to tears any more.

"That's not important right now, Touji!!" She glared at Touji and
then back at Shinji. "Tell me what's going on with you two!"

Shinji looked nervously at Rei and handed her the pants to put on
since Asuka wasn't making any move to take her clothes off for Rei.
"Sorry, but we really have to get out of here before the cops find us."

"You prick, tell me what's going on!" Asuka insisted more. In this
case, that insisting included grabbing his penis and twisting.

Gee, I wonder why he won't touch her.

"Owwwwwwww!!"

Rei slapped Asuka's hand away. "Stop that!" She gently rubbed the
sore appendage, which made it grow in size. "Are you okay?"

Never have boners also been so unsexy.

Shinji nodded. "Let's go." He looked back at Asuka and Touji.
"Um... tell my parents we're okay, but we just can't be separated
anymore."

Asuka laughed. "You make it sound like you're eloping, idiot."

Shinji looked at Rei and smiled. "Yeah... something like that."

Rei giggled.

Rei: We want our kids to have only one eye and room temperature IQs.

Asuka's jaw dropped.

Shinji took Rei's hand and took off running. He was still naked,
but at least Rei had the pants and bra on now.

What is the author's intent on having Shinji be constantly naked?

"Wow... who would have ever guessed Shinji and Rei were fucking
each other."

After leaving a bruised and battered Touji behind on the pavement,
Asuka ran after the fleeing couple.

"Ouch."

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei ran cuffed hand in hand around a corner. "Watch
out!!"

Hikari gaped at the sight of a naked Shinji running towards her.
<Damn, he's bigger than Kensuke.> She shook her head to clear it, but by that time Shinji was gone. "What the..." She looked around. "Kensuke!!"

Why do I have the feeling Shinji is acting as the writer's author-avatar?

Kensuke ran back to her from the store he was checking out. "What?"

"Shinji and Rei just ran by here." She pointed in the direction
that the two fleeing fugitives had vanished.

"Let's..."

Kensuke: Totally totally ignore them.

Kensuke went silent as Touji and Asuka ran by them in
pursuit of Shinji and Rei.

Touji glanced back quickly. "Come on, we've got to catch them!"

"Shit... where are Touji's pants?" Kensuke asked.

"At least he's not naked like Shinji is."

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji could hear the shouts from the gang behind them, but dared
not slow down. "Damn, they'll attract the cops."

And no one wanting you to be their bitch is a big enough blow to his ego as it is.

"I think you being naked is more likely to draw attention. I know I
like the sight."

"Rei, can't you be serious?!" Shinji snapped.

"Sorry, but when I'm with you, I just feel so happy."

Because this is the best she'll ever do.

Shinji smiled. "Me too... any ideas how we can get out of this
mess?"

I suggest a suicide pact.

Rei looked around the unfamiliar streets. "No... I don't know this
area of Osaka-2 that well."

Shinji ran around another corner and saw a man standing directly in
their path. He threw his handcuffed hand up in order to keep from
hitting the man, but he didn't quite get their hands high enough in
time. The chain of the handcuffs caught the man across his throat,
causing all three of them to drop to the ground in a tangled heap.
Rei rubbed her sore butt and apologized. "Sorry about that."

Shinji rubbed his head and looked at the guy they had hit. "Yeah,
we're... DAD!"

Gendou rubbed his sore neck and looked up to see Rei and Shinji.
"Shinji! Rei! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Bringing more shame to the family name.

"Oh fuck... this is all your fault old man!!"

"Don't speak to me that way!" Gendou scolded.

"If you hadn't let your cock wander..."

You'd still be a virgin until you were in your 50s.

Gendou completed the sentence. "Rei would never have been born..."

BURN!

Shinji flinched and looked at Rei. "Well... still..."

Rei heard police whistles and looked around. "Shinji, we've got to
go!"

Shinji started to stand up. "Yeah..."

"No you don't!!" Gendou grabbed the handcuff chain and held on
tightly.

"Let go! Or do you want us to go to jail?"

"No... but running away isn't the answer!"

Gendou: Now kicking the crap out of you...

Shinji kneed Gendou in the groin and then managed to pry his
father's fingers off the chain. "Come on, Rei."

Gendou gasped for breath and rubbed his various sore spots as he
watched his two children run away.

At least I feel an emotion other than disgust for the little twit. Even if it is sympathy for the little twit's father.

He had just started to rise to go after them when he was run over
by the gang as they chased the fleeing Shinji and Rei.

Touji looked around. "Did we hit something?"

Asuka shrugged. "Who cares. Come on, we're going to lose them."
-E- -V- -A-

In the theater, Shinji had suddenly smiled broadly.

Rei looked worried as she examined Shinji's face closely. "Do you
think he's okay? That grin is odd."

Asuka laughed. "Oh, I imagine that he's just happy at seeing his
father get his family jewels busted."

Sure, hit the only character with common sense.

"Family jewels?" Rei asked, confused.

"Balls." Rei's expression didn't change. "Num-nuts." No reaction.
"His rocks of love." Asuka sighed. "His testicles!"

"Oh." Rei paused and then tilted her head. "Why would his father
getting kneed in his testicles make Shinji happy?"

Because daddy dared to call him on his crap.

"Let's just say that men are particularly sensitive in that area."

"Yes, I noticed that when I sucked Shinji's penis."

Asuka glared at the blue haired girl. A part of her wanted to pound
Rei and part of her wanted to do what Rei had done to Shinji. <If I
could just get the voyeur clone out of here, I'd do some experimenting
myself.> A wicked grin crossed her face. "You know, Rei, maybe you
should go talk to your mother. I'm sure she's busted a lot of balls in
her time and can tell you more about it."

Rei tilted her head slightly. "You want to suck his penis too,
don't you?"

Given that he's also the best that she'll ever get.

Asuka blushed. "Shut up!" All things considered, it was not one of
her better comebacks.

-E- -V- -A-

And they're off!

In the lead was a naked Shinji cuffed to a provocatively dressed
Rei.

Close behind was a pissed off redhead and a horny teenage boy. <Oh
wow... Rei's naughty bits are rubbing against my pants.> Three guesses
which of them thought that.

I don't even need to guess. It was Jim Lazar.

On their heels, we have the non-couple who had sex the night
before. Not that either of them would talk about it. The occasional
awkward glances that passed between them as they searched for and then chased Shinji and Rei showed they weren't happy that they ended uptogether when the search teams were chosen. But their concerns were nothing compared to the animosity between the next pair.

You mean Arc and Shmeckie are now in this fic?

New to the race were the two mothers, who didn't trust each other
enough to let the other search by herself. "Shinji, please stop!! We can
work this all out!" Yui pleaded with her son, but he didn't hear her.

"You little prick, come back with my daughter!" Ritsuko cursed at
the boy who was fucking her daughter. Well, not at that moment, but she had a pretty good idea why Shinji was naked and her daughter was wearing a pair of men's pants.

And stumbling up from behind is the bruised and battered father of
the two leaders.

Just let them run away, they'll get themselves killed by the end of the week.

The race took them down back alleys, down main thoroughfares,
across a wedding banquet table, through the local zoo, through a gay
bar, through a crowded bargain sale, and finally through a park. By the
time the race reached the park, there were several more people, a bride, a herd of elephants,

A fanfiction author who's trying to be funny,

and a panda in pursuit of Shinji and Rei. The bride was chasing Shinji since he was bigger than the groom was. Several bar
patrons had joined for similar reasons. And a number of young bargain
shoppers gave up their quest for cheap dresses for a chance at catching
Shinji.

Yep, Shinji is definitely the writer's author avatar.

Well, at least two of the young women were after Rei, but since
one of them was bi, it was hard to get an accurate count of who was
chasing who for what reason. In fact, several people had joined in the
chase out of sheer curiosity.

I'd suggest the theme to Benny Hill, but I have no intention of the poor man spinning in his grave.

Shinji and Rei jumped over a necking couple. The pursuers didn't
quite clear the couple and several bodies ended up on the ground in a
twisted mass of limbs. The elephants decided to jump in the nearby lake
to cool off. Several boats floating on the surface capsized, dumping the
lovers within into the cold water.

"Hey! That's my ass you're touching!"

"Who's touching my breast?"

"Someone touch me, dammit!!"

Rei glanced back at the remaining pursuers, which still included
their parents, the gang, and an odd assortment of people she didn't
know, one of which had a black and white fur coat on. <Kind of hot to be
wearing a fur coat. And what's with the sign?> She glanced back at
Shinji and started to laugh.

Rei: I'm stuck with you for life.

"It's not funny!" Shinji insisted.

"I'm sorry Shinji, but you look so cute when you're naked and
covered in wedding cake frosting."

Rei reached over and ran her hand
across his frosting-covered chest. She pulled back her hand and licked
the frosting seductively off her fingers. "Yummy."

A mound of frosting rose from Shinji's groin. "Damn... we've got to
find someplace to hide from these guys so we can fuck!"

Why does this fic make my dinner want to come back up?

Rei laughed. She gripped Shinji's hand tighter and they redoubled
their pace like only a couple of horny teenagers looking for a place to
have sex could. Normally fate would provide a way for Shinji and Rei to
do just that. But fate was on vacation and poetic justice was on duty.
Unfortunately, poetic justice wasn't a big Shinji and Rei fan.

He ran a show called Kuso!

They emerged into a large clearing and screeched to a halt at the
sight that befell them. At first glance, it was just a large barbecue.
At second glance, it was a very large barbecue. At third glance, it was
the Annual Southern Japan Police Officer's Barbecue Bash, as evidenced
by the large banner over the main stage that proclaimed that in large
characters. At fourth glance... well by the time Shinji and Rei had a
fourth glance they knew their life as fugitives was over.

Poetic justice is a bitch, isn't she?

No, it just doesn't know if it wants to be a serious melodrama, ultra wacky or a battle robot/monster clone.

On stage, a fat balding man was making a speech. "And our next
award goes to Officer Anno for bringing down the evil purple robot that
terrorized Osaka-2 last night."

The audience went wild and hooted and hollered. "Bring out the
robot killer." "Anno got his robot after all!" "How many bullets did it
take to pop that balloon?"

As Officer Anno slunk up to the stage to accept his Golden Plunger
for his heroic deed, the aforementioned mob chasing Rei and Shinji burst
into the clearing that was full of police officers.

Behold, the masterpiece which inspired Messrs. Seltzer and Freeberg.

Although off duty,
the police officers were immediately suspicious of the naked boy covered
in frosting and handcuffed to a girl wearing just a bra and pants. The
police in southern Japan were known for being fast to pick up on clues
like these.

The fat man on stage spoke into the microphone. "Excuse me... but
the nude, co-ed, S and M cake toss isn't until the end of the barbecue."

They are also known for having extremely kinky barbecues.

Just as Rei and Shinji had a ray of hope that they'd somehow get
away from the mass of police officers, Officer Anno's eyes went wide.
"Shit! Those are the two kids who escaped from my car last night!!"

When is this going to end?!

Needless to say, Shinji and Rei did not get to compete in the nude,
co-ed, S and M cake toss. Although somehow Touji, Kensuke, Asuka, and
Hikari managed to get into the contest. Touji and Hikari took first
place, while Asuka refused to run and caused her and Kensuke to come in
last. Go figure.

Thus the story had no idea what it wanted to be.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji awoke the next morning and stretched. "Ouch," he cried out
when he banged his arms on the cell bars. He rubbed his arms as he rose
from the thin mattress and looked around the bare cell he had spent the
night in. <Guess I should have known it couldn't last. Fuck, I hope
Rei's alright.> He sighed and suddenly had the urge to pee.

But then he looked down and released he'd have to pee sitting down for the rest of him life.

He looked
out into the hallway to see if there was anyone watching then glanced
back at the toilet in the cell and grimaced. He slowly walked to the
bowl undoing his prison pants. He sat down and let out a long
'ahhhhhhhhhh'.

"Shinji?"

Shinji started at hearing his name and looked around. "Huh?"

"Shinji, is that you?"

"Rei?"

"Yeah... I'm in the next cell."

Rei: The other prisoners wanted to hear us angst even more.

Shinji jumped to his feet, pulled his pants back up, and rushed to
the wall leading to the cell her voice had come from. In his haste, he
didn't shake and a wet spot spread across his pants. "Rei, are you
alright?"

"Yeah... they just moved me in here after some problems with my
roommate. I'd recognize your ahhhh anywhere."

True love is when you can tell your lover apart from every other man on the planet, simply by the sound he makes when he pees.

Shinji smiled. "What happened with your former roommate?"

"She was a girl I used to know. She still blames me for stealing
Hasamoto from her."

"Did you tell her she could have him back?"

Rei chuckled. "Yeah, but she wouldn't believe my story and sort of
got violent."

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah... she looks worse than me."

Well, that's what tanning more than the entire cast of Jersey Shore will do to you.

"Sorry about all this. I should never have run from that cop."

"No... I enjoyed it. Well, at least the sex part."

Shinji blushed. "Yeah... however long we're in here, I'll find you
when I get out."

"Thank you." Rei's hand appeared around the outside of the bars
searching for something to hold.

Shinji saw the hand and reached out and grabbed it. "I love you,
Rei." He squeezed her hand to reassure her. At that moment, it was all
he could do.

Other than being full of suck?

It was enough. In her cell, Rei smiled as she felt his hand grasp
hers. "I love you too, Shinji." She pulled the ice pack off her eye to
reveal the black eye she had gotten during the fight. "Forever."

-E- -V- -A-

"Love sucks!" Shinji screamed as he came out of his trance.

"Why, Shinji?" Misato asked.

"Why?!" Shinji pointed at the viewpoint. "Look what it leads to.
They're both in jail!!"

"But they look happy."

"They're in JAIL!"

Shinji: And I'll never be happy unless I have something to complain about!


"But they're together."

"Not for long!!"

Misato put a comforting hand on Shinji's shoulder. "Sometimes those
few stolen moments together are better than spending every waking moment
with the one you love."

"That's bullshit. Love sucks! It just leads to pain and more pain."

You know, you can just replace Shinji's dialogue with the words, "bitch, bitch, bitch" and it wouldn't change a thing. So, in that, the fanfic is true to the source material.

Misato pulled Shinji into a hug. "Maybe, but it also leads to happy
times. You just have to open your heart to the offered love."

Shinji blinked loudly. "Are you telling me to return Rei's love?"

Misato scowled and pushed Shinji away from her. "No! If you touch
my pure and innocent daughter, I'll make eternity a living hell for
you!"

But doesn't him just existing do the job for you?

Shinji glanced at the viewpoint. "Don't bother... I'm doing a
pretty good job of making a mess out of it without your help."

-E- -V- -A

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition:
love n. 1 deep affection or fondness 2 sexual passion 3 sexual relations
4 beloved one; sweetheart 5 Tennis. No score; zero v. (loved, loving) 6
feel love or a deep fondness for 7 delight in; admire; greatly cherish 8
FOR LOVE for pleasure, not profit 9 IN LOVE enamored (of) 10 MAKE LOVE
have sexual intercourse

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd
edition:
love n. 1 I have no idea what love is 2 wow... um... well... I guess
what Rei did to me felt good 3 yowsa... um... well maybe after a few
dates 4 I don't think I ever really had a chance to have one 5

Shinji: I'm totally socially inept.

Tennis.
Don't know how to play it v. (loved, loving) 6 I like Rei, but I don't
know if I can return her love... and what about Asuka? 7 I delight in
all three of the women I share this theater with... Admire? Yeah, except
when Misato is drunk or Asuka pulls my penis. Cherish? Well if we were
the last people on Earth then maybe... oh we are. Okay, I guess I can
cherish them too. 8 FOR LOVE for pain, not pleasure 9

In real life, all the other wusses in school would be kicking his ass.

IN LOVE could I be
in love with Rei... or maybe Asuka? 10 MAKE LOVE No, I won't fuck you,
Asuka!

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st
edition:
love n. 1 Shinji has no idea what love is

And neither do you.

2 that Asuka and Kaji sure had
some hot passion together 3 yeah, I'd do it with Shinji, but Kaji would
be better 4 I've had a lot... I was very popular back in Germany

Yeah, but so is David Hastlehoff.

5Tennis. Anything that involves busting balls, I'm good at v. (loved,
loving) 6 Yeah, what about me? 7 Gee, I'm so glad it took the end of the world for you to finally cherish me. Be still my heart.

It was either that or his hand and he still made the wrong choice.

8 FOR LOVE well,
that other Rei was sure doing it for cash 9 IN LOVE what a joke. Rei
thinks she loves that little boy 10 MAKE LOVE when do I get to have sex?
It's not fair. Come on, Shinji, I'm bored. Do me!

Why are the words, "Mary Sue" screaming in my head?

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by
her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother:
love n. 1 love is confusing, don't mistake feelings of loneliness or
friendship for love

Save it for the rich ones.

2 don't even think about doing anything with Shinji
3 I mean it 4 kissing is okay, but no tongues (P.S. Asuka was a slut in
Germany) 5 Tennis. Make sure to wear bloomers so the guys can't see your panties when you hit the ball or you'll have to hit their balls when
they swarm all over you after the game v. (loved, loving) 6 don't you
feel him either or go deep on him again 7 you can admire him from across the theater 8 FOR LOVE don't you dare take money from him for anything 9
IN LOVE even if you are in love with Shinji, don't have sex with him

You're bound to catch something.

10
MAKE LOVE for the last time, Rei, do not fuck Shinji! I forbid it!

-E- -V- -A-
"Hey, Shinji, do you want to fuck me?"

Shinji's jaw dropped to the theater floor. "Rei... um..."

"My mom has told me all about it and I think it could be fun."

Rei: I just can't wait to be disappointed.

Shinji squirmed. "Well, I'm sure she said you shouldn't rush into
it."

"Yeah, she clearly told me not to have sex. But for some reason
that makes me want to do it even more."

Shinji sighed. "Rei... why? Why do you think you love me?"

"I just do. I don't feel complete without you. I feel so warm
inside when we're close. I feel I can relate to you. I empathize with
you. I don't know how to say it another way, so I'm saying that I love
you."

That is until he takes off his clothes and she yells, "Sucker!"

Shinji dropped to the ground and started to shake. "He... he said
the same thing."

"He?"

"Kaworu."

"Kaworu said he loved you? But he's a boy." Rei inquired
innocently.

You apparently haven't seen what's on my hard-drive.

"Was a boy. Until I killed him." Shinji looked down at his hands
and imagined they were covered in blood. Of course, considering the
nature of the theater there suddenly was blood on them.

Rei gasped. "Shinji. Let it go. If you don't the pain will eat you
alive."

"Why? Your second self killed herself for me. Kaworu wanted me to
kill him so that I could live. My mother..."

AAANNNNNGGGGSSSSTTTTT!

Shinji rubbed his hands
together and the blood slowly faded from them. "Everyone who loves me...
dies."

"I'm sure people who hate you die too."

"Gee, thanks."

Rei sunk slowly to Shinji's side. "You know, Shinji, I only have
some of my second self's memories and I don't know what happened at the
end of her life, but I don't think she felt the same way as I do now."

Shinji looked up at Rei, confused. "Huh?"

Rei: Either accept my attempt to boost your ego or I'll rip your nuts off.

"I am the sum of my experiences. My first self saw the child of Mr.
Ikari and wanted to play with him."

"You met me when we were kids?"

Rei shook her head. "No, we didn't meet then. I saw you on the
security cameras when you visited the test center. At the time, I was
almost always in the tank and the cameras were the only view I had of
the outside world."

"That's awful."

"It was... all I knew at the time. My second self felt the need to
join with you..."

In misery and pain.


"You mean have sex?"

"No... it was more of a bonding of souls, than love or sex.

Isn't that what sad, lonely overweight fangirls do with characters who are prettier than they are?

My
third self combines those and adds my observations of my fourth self."

"Fourth?"

"The Rei you created." She gestured at the viewpoint.

Shinji considered this for a few moments. "So, that's why you think
you love me... because that Rei loves that Shinji. Rei... that's not you
and that's not me."

"Aren't they?"

"No!!"

Shinji: What part of I love self-pity do you not get?

"Why not? That Shinji is a part of you. That Rei is a part of you.
So, somewhere inside you there must be a part of you that loves me."

Shinji frowned as he considered this. "Rei... even if that's true.
I just don't know if I want to return your love. It'll just lead to pain
and heartbreak like it has for them."

"I promise I won't become a prostitute, if that'll help."

At least not a cheap one. We're talking a classy ho.


Shinji had no idea if she was being serious or making joke, but a
smile appeared on his face. "It's not like there are a lot of customers
around."

"Just you." She paused briefly. "And Asuka and Misato, but I don't
believe they are lesbians."

"No... probably not." Shinji sighed and idly traced random patterns
on the floor with his finger. "What is love?" he whispered to himself.

I'm not going to make that joke. Shut up, I'm not.

Rei leaned in. "Did you say something?"

Shinji looked up at Rei and sighed. "Rei, don't get the wrong idea
about this."

"What?"

"This." Shinji leaned over and gave Rei a short and tender kiss.
Shinji watched her face as he pulled away and could see the happiness
spread across her face. It was a smile unlike any of the others he had
seen on her. It was a smile that made him warm inside. <Why... why does
seeing her so happy make me feel better? Is this love?>

Either that or co-dependance.

He touched her
face, marveling at the touch of her skin. "I don't know if there is such
a thing as love anymore, but I'm willing to take the chance that that
other Shinji took."

"Thank you, Shinji." Rei leaned in and kissed Shinji.

<I just hope it ends up better,> Shinji thought before getting lost
in the sensation of the kiss.

A choice is made.

And it sucks.

[End - Garden of EVA 1:6 - Love Sucks!]

[Dr. O]

Holy fuck, I'll just do this myself. Al, if you want to have someone else do the next chapter, just... I don't know, give them some kind of deadline. Fuck.

From: "Jim Lazar" <jimlazar@earthlink.net>
Subject: [Eva][FanFic][Lime] Garden of EVA 1:7 - Jail Sucks!

You know, I missed this fanfic (not really).

=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 1:7 - Jail Sucks!

I know. You just said that.

Book 1: Sucks

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

It's OK. Gainax basically plagiarized Lazar with Panty & Stocking, so I'll call it a wash.

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-1999 by Jim Lazar

A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that really sucks.

Does the fanfic suck, or episode 26 of NGE? Or is it both?

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: mailto:jimlazar@earthlink.net

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://home.earthlink.net/~jimlazar/anime
=======================================================================
There are some real nasty sexual situations in this part. At least one edges into lemon territory briefly.
=======================================================================

Sadly, that's the least of this fic's problems.


Shinji bent over to pick up the bar of soap he had just dropped. He realized his mistake the moment he felt something pressed against his backside. "Arghhhhh!" He shot across the shower room in a split second.

Hey everyone, you know what's funny? Prison rape!

"Awwww, the new kid doesn't want to play." The boy who had pressed his... knotty pine against Shinji's buttocks swaggered over. Two other guys followed him while stroking their... little twigs. "Now then... we can do this the easy way or the hard way." A leer appeared on his face. "Personally, I prefer it the hard way." He stroked his tree to help drive home his point. "Grab him!"

Why are the other guys masturbating? Prison rape is more about power than arousal, unless Shinji happened to get sent to some jail exclusively for gay rapists.

The other two boys raced over and grabbed Shinji before he could get out of the way. They held his arms tightly and pulled him forward.

The first boy walked over, his tree rising to the occasion. "Now then, where were we?" He made a spinning motion with his finger.

Ah yes, the spinning hoop snake position. Difficult, but rewarding.

The two boys holding Shinji turned him around, easily overpowering Shinji's attempts to escape.

"No!" Shinji screamed.

-E- -V- -A-

"No!!" Shinji screamed as he came out of his trance.

"I was saving myself for Kaworu!"

As the viewpoint froze, Asuka complained. "Come on... I want to see you get it up the ass!" She started to laugh.

Three voices belonging to Shinji, Misato, and Rei called out in unison. "Shut up, Asuka!"

Shinji dropped to the floor and sat cross-legged. Rei plopped down next to him and wrapped her arms around him to comfort him. Misato frowned. "Hey! You're too close to Shinji, Rei!"

"We must quarantine him or the taint will spread!"

"Awww, Mom!" Rei pouted and reluctantly slipped away from Shinji. "Shinji, it'll be okay."

Shinji sighed. "Everyone keeps saying that, but it just gets worse and worse for Shinji"

"Well, that's what he deserves after toying with Asuka's heart like that."

"Shut up, Asuka!" three voices scolded again.

This chapter would be significantly improved if it was just "Shut up, Asuka!" repeated several thousand times.

-E- -V- -A-

"That's enough of that, Worm. Get your cock away from the new kid's ass, you asshole."

Shinji let out a sigh of relief as the boys released him. He looked around to see a huge, bald guy standing in the doorway to the showers.

'Worm' smiled awkwardly at the newcomer. "Sorry, Oushi, I was just kidding around."



Oushi cracked his knuckles. "Sure you were. I could care less if you and your pals want to stick it to yourselves, but don't force yourself on the newbies."

Yeah! They might be prison rapists, but they still have rules. Geez.

"Right.. sorry..." Worm scurried out of the showers with the other two boys close behind.

Oushi threw Shinji a towel. "You okay, kid?"

Shinji grinned awkwardly. "Yeah... I guess. Thanks."

Don't be grateful, Shinji. He probably wants you himself, for some reason.

Maybe being in prison just makes people desperate.

"No problem. Those guys should know better than to mess with my property."

Shinji gulped. "Property?"

Oushi leered at Shinji. "Yeah... all the new boys are mine to fuck." He pulled his pants down.

In that case, wouldn't Shinji's feminine appearance repulse him?

"Ack!!" Shinji backpedaled across the room.

Oushi let out a loud laugh. "Rei was right, you are a little naive."

"You know Rei?"

"Yeah... I was this close-" Oushi held his fingers close together. "-to being the lucky one to pop her cherry. Too bad that Hasamoto guy got her attention or maybe I'd have won her heart like you apparently have."

Oh, so he's one of those mythical bisexuals I've heard of but who never seem to appear in fiction.

Shinji warily made his way to the exit, trying not to picture Rei 'with' the huge guy in his mind. The shudder that ran though his body showed that he wasn't successful. "Yeah..."

Oushi finished undressing. "Don't worry kid, I'm just taking a shower. When Rei found out you were being transferred up here to Tokyo-3, she got a note to me and asked me to look out for you."

How convenient.

Shinji blushed. "Err... thanks."

Oushi looked Shinji over like a side of beef. "Hung like that, you'd be eaten alive--or at least sucked to death--in here."

I... don't think that's how prisons work.

Shinji covered his groin. "Err... thanks, I think."

"Well, from what I can see, you'll make Rei really happy." He winked. "But don't bend over in the showers."

"Yeah... I already found that one out the hard way."

"Worm was pretty hard, wasn't he?"



Shinji blushed. "That's not what I meant!"

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka scratched her chin as she looked at the viewpoint and then at Shinji, who was still in his trance. "Hmmmmm... Hey, Rei, can you make Shinji hard for me?"

Oh. More of this bullshit.

Rei looked confused. "Huh?"

"Well, I'm not going to touch it like that." She pointed at Shinji's penis. "Come on. Make it hard."

Rei cocked her head to the side. "What do you mean?"

Encase it in cement, obviously.

"Like you did before. Suck his penis or stroke it... whatever. Just make it hard."

"I'll be glad to, but why?"

Asuka sighed. "I just want to check something."

She needs to conduct a scientific study, and unfortunately there's only one penis still in existence.

"Well, if you feel that you are not capable of making it hard, very well, I'll do it."

Asuka's face fell. "No... I... Um..." After regaining some composure, she spat, "Just do it!"

DO IT NAO!

Rei shrugged and went to work. After she made Shinji's tree mighty, Asuka pushed her aside.

"Hmmmm..." Asuka pulled a tape measure out of nowhere and extended it. She held the end to the base of Shinji's penis and then extended the tape some more. "Ha! I knew it!!"

Why does it matter? Since his is the only penis there is, by default that makes it average.

"Asuka, what are you doing?"

Asuka smiled awkwardly and looked up from Shinji's groin to his face. "Um... just a little research." She glanced at his groin. "And I do mean little."

"I can't believe you'd do that to me! What kind of sicko are you?!" Shinji slapped her hands away from his mighty oak.

Asuka smiled devilishly. "Rei's the one who got you hard, I was just measuring it."

Shinji looked at Rei. "You were a part of this?"

Oh what a tangled web we weave
When a boner we practice to conceive

Rei nodded sadly. "Yes, but I didn't know why she wanted you hard."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "Rei, the next time Asuka asks you to do something don't do it unless you ask your mom or me if it's right. Okay?"

They're sticking with the "Misato is Rei's mother" thing. OK then.

"Alright. The next time she asks me to suck your penis, I'll ask you first."

The corner of Shinji's mouth twitched. "You can safely assume that if Asuka asks you to do that to me again, that you shouldn't." He turned and scowled at Asuka. "Now what were you doing?!"

Asuka smirked. "Well, I was just confirming a little theory of mine."

"When a man has an erection, his penis gets bigger. I was thinking of submitting it to a scientific journal, but those don't exist anymore. Thanks a lot, Shinji!"

Shinji looked confused. "Huh?"

"You made THAT-" Asuka pointed at the viewpoint which was frozen of a picture of Shinji walking out of the showers with his mighty oak dangling between his legs. "-Shinji bigger than you really are. He's at least an extra two inches longer."

Well, at least Shinji knows some restraint.



Shinji blushed and awkwardly looked at Rei, who was suddenly looking between his groin and the viewpoint. "Um... no... I..." He covered himself. "He's not!"

Asuka laughed. "Give it up, Shinji! You had the chance to make yourself bigger when you made your 'perfect world' and you took it. THAT Shinji is easily two inches longer when erect that you are."

"Actually, it's only one point six inches longer," Rei casually commented.

Asuka can't even use a tape measure properly. These really are the dumbest characters.

Shinji and Asuka looked at the blue-haired girl for several moments before Asuka spoke. "You knew?"

"Sure. I was taking detailed notes after all." Rei pulled out her notebook and flipped to a page titled 'Relative sizes of the penises'. On it were very detailed drawings of the penises of both Shinjis with calculated measurements. "As you can see, it's also thicker in his perfect world."

That must be the "ever-present notebook" from NXE. I always knew those two fanfics were in the same continuity!

Shinji sighed. "Can't you girls just play a card game or something instead of playing with my penis?!"

"No," both girls answered in unison.

Shinji should know by now that his dick is the focal point of the universe.

-E- -V- -A-

"What's wrong, Asuka?" Hikari asked from across the table

Everything.

Asuka looked up from the noodles she had been prodding with her chopsticks. "How can you ask that after what Shinji did to me?!"

People in this fanfic do a lot of things. You'd think they'd have lost all capacity for outrage around five chapters ago.

"I think you're more angry that he didn't do to you what apparently he's been doing to Rei." Touji started to laugh.

Asuka stopped his laughter with a bowl of ramen strategically placed on his head.

How wacky!

Hikari glared at her boyfriend and then looked back at Asuka. "We don't know that they've been-" She unconsciously glanced at Kensuke. "-having sex. And their parents aren't exactly telling us a lot. It could all have a perfectly simple explanation." Hikari's words didn't even have enough conviction behind them to fool herself, let alone Asuka.

Oh come on. Rei has sex with everybody. It's her character trait.

"They were running away from the police, handcuffed and naked!! Add the condom on Shinji's ear and the fact they both reeked of... well, they smelled like they just had sex."

Touji chuckled. "How would you know?"

Hikari added another bowl of ramen to Touji's head. "Asuka, why don't you go visit Shinji and ask him? It's been a week since he was transferred up to the Tokyo-3 juvie hall."

Because he'd probably rather be shoved up against the shower wall by Detective Delicious than put up with Asuka.

"No! Why should I?"

"Because you like him. Don't you?"

"I-it's not like I like him or anything, it's just that I want to have sex with him like every other character in this mess!"

Asuka looked awkwardly at her hands. "Yeah..."

"Well, then go talk to him and find out what happened. I'll go with you if you want." Hikari looked at Kensuke and Touji. "We all will."

Asuka sighed. "No, I'd better do this alone."

Garden 1.11: You'll Do (Shinji) Alone.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka wrung her hands as she waited in the little visiting booth. <Stay calm, Asuka. Getting angry isn't going to help anything. Plus, the cops are heavily armed here. So, just stay calm.>

Look, it's the the <brackets of thought!>

The door on the other side of the glass partition opened and Shinji walked in. He smiled awkwardly at Asuka. "Hi, Asuka."

Asuka sprung to her feet suddenly and pounded on the glass. "You archkriecher!! How dare you lead me on! I'll kill you!!"

Just what this thing needed: random German. Now I really feel like I'm watching Evangelion.

Even though he knew she couldn't get through the glass, Shinji instinctively backed up from the angry redhead. "I'm sorry, Asuka. I never meant to hurt you."

Asuka stopped banging on the glass, but still looked ready to kill Shinji. "Why did you lead me on when you were already fucking Rei?!"

I thought we'd already established this, but Shinji is kind of a weiner.

"Well, Rei had some bad things happen to her as she was growing up. At first she didn't want anyone to know we were dating and then... well, we had a falling out... of sorts... and that's when you and I... you know."

"And it turns out we're siblings and I don't even know. It sucked, all right? Heh... get it? 'Suck?' Seriously though, I'll be here all week."

Asuka's eye twitched. The twitch spread down her arm and stopped when she pounded the glass again. "You dumpfbacke!! So the little slut wouldn't give you any, so you came running to me."

Is that... did he combine dummkopf and baka?

Wow. Misused German and Japanese in the same word. What would you even call that? Gerpanese?

"No, she would give me it, but we always got interrupted."

"So you've never had sex with her?"

"Err... two times so far... err three actually."

"So... are you going to marry her when you're older?"

Of all the characters in Eva, I didn't think Asuka would be the one espousing fundamentalist Christian morality.

Shinji sighed and shook his head. "No, I can't."

"Except in Mississippi."

"Then are you going to marry me?"

"No. I'm sorry, but I just don't love you. After we both get out of jail, I'll do whatever I can do to stay with Rei. Even if it means living on the streets."

"No. I'm sorry, but they don't allow miscegenation in the deep south. Also, I don't love you."

Asuka scowled. "Why don't you just marry her?"

Shinji looked at the floor. "I... can't. It's a long story. I'm sorry I gave you the wrong idea about our relationship. Things were just so chaotic that I didn't know how to tell you and a part of me was looking to replace the love I feel for Rei that I didn't think I could ever..."

Asuka giggled. "When did you get so deep and serious?"

That's not deep and serious, it's just confused and nonsensical! Why do people keep getting those things mixed up?

"Love does that to you."

Asuka frowned again. "Bastard."

What, did Lazar run out of German words to randomly insert into the chapter?

"I'm sorry."

"So why the hell can't you marry her?! If you're ditching me for her, at least you'd better not be stringing her along too."

"I want to marry her and I will find a way to spend my life with her, but I can't marry her because she's..." Shinji took a deep breath, uncertain how Asuka would take this news. "She's my half-sister."

Asuka's jaw dropped to the floor.

See, that's the proper reaction to this fanfic. Followed by closing the window and reading something good instead.

Since Asuka seemed unable to speak, Shinji decided to spill the whole story. "My idiot father had a little fling with Rei's real mother, who up until recently Rei thought was her sister. Adoptive sister actually, because Rei's real grandmother adopted Rei as her daughter to avoid her daughter being seen as a slut, which the old witch is."

Asuka finally found her voice. "Yeah... you told me some of Rei's problems with her parents. So you're fucking your own sister? You sicko!!!"

When you put it that way, it makes this sound like an Eva/Jerry Springer crossover.

"I... I didn't know she was my sister at first."

"But you do now? And you still are going to fuck her? You're one sick puppy, Shinji!"

Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if he fucked puppies, too.

"I know it's wrong... but I don't care anymore. I love her. I'm sorry I hurt you."

"Don't be! I'm better off without a sicko like you as a boyfriend!" Asuka suddenly spun around and stormed out the visitor door.

"I'm sorry, Asuka." Shinji sadly made his way back to his cell.

He then funneled all his energy into the prison gym, emerging from his sentence looking like Kid Muscle. Nobody ever fucked with him again. The end.

Asuka leaned against the other side of the visitor door and tried to contain her tears. "You jerk." She lost her battle with her tears by the time she left the jailhouse. <Shinji you jerk... I give you my love and you do this to me?>

She spent most of the evening walking in a park, thinking about what to do. <Do I forget about him, try to get him back, or make him a eunuch for doing this to me?> She frowned and looked up at the stars for inspiration.

The most anime response would be all three simultaneously.

And got an eyeful of bird do-do.

"Fuck!"

I am dead serious, it's like Lazar looked into the future and all he saw was Panty & Stocking.

A voice called out of the darkness. "Fucking is over in the woods tonight, this area is only for necking and breast fondling."

Asuka clenched her teeth and wiped the shit out of her eye. "Shut up!!" Her shout and evil glare sent a number of couples running in terror from her. She clenched her fist and looked at the night sky. "Just you wait, Shinji!! I'll teach you to toy with my heart!!"

"I'll fuck my brother!" she said. "Except I don't have one... I know! I'll fuck my father, then fuck my own son-brother! That'll show Shinji!"

-E- -V- -A-

"Next!" Rei called out as a naked girl got off her bed. Rei rubbed her sore hands, but figured she was good for a few more.

She better watch out or she'll get carpal tunnel. Or more like cuntal tun- wait...

Damn, I had something for this.

"You'd better be as good as they say," another naked girl said as she handed Rei a package and then lay down on the bed.

Rei casually checked the contents of the package. "I am." She ran her hands across the girl's skin, working her way slowly down the teenager's soft skin.

"Ahhhhh..." the girl gasped.

Wait, maybe this isn't going to be sexually explicit and ol' Jim Lazar is just pulling a fast one! Wouldn't that be WACKY and HILARIOUS?

"You like that?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh...."

"Ahhhhh..."

Well, at least there haven't been any terrible euphemisms or anatomical impossibilities, which places this in like the 90th percentile of lemon fics.

After a half-hour of this, the girl gave one last sigh of contentment and then rose from the bed. "You give the greatest massages, Rei."

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! JOKE'S ON ME, THEY WEREN'T HAVING SEX AT ALL! DON'T I FEEL SILLY?

Rei smiled and wiped the oil off her hands. "Thanks."

"You know, if you ever need some company at night I can arrange to switch cells." The girl winked.

Rei shook her head. "Sorry. I've got a guy and I promised him I'd never do it with anyone else but him. Ever."

"Besides, I already had sex with everyone else, so the novelty was wearing off."

The girl sighed. "Lucky guy."

"No... I'm lucky to have met him."

"Well, you're in here till your eighteenth birthday, so if you change your mind..."

Rei gasped. "How did you know that?"

"All the lesbians are talking about you."

Rei rolled her eyes. "Can you spread the word that: A, I'm not a lesbian, B, I've got the greatest guy in the world waiting for me when I get out, and C, I'm not interested even if A and B weren't true."

Pfft, greatest guy in the world. OK, now that was genuinely funny.

"As long as you keep giving backrubs like that, I will."

"Deal." Rei smiled. <Well, at least giving them massages keeps them from getting too horny around me. It's going to be a rough three years without Shinji, but I'll make it.> She looked at all the women with towels wrapped around their bodies lined up outside her cell. <Somehow.>

She'll just have to channel all her sexual energy into something else. Like, uh... stamping license plates! She's going to be the greatest plate stamper in history.

-E- -V- -A-

"Three years!!" Shinji shouted.

He'll be out just in time for Valve to delay Half-Life 2 Episode 3 again.

"Calm down, Shinji," Yui said from the other side of the visitor's booth. She placed a hand on the glass, trying to get as close to her son as possible. "You'll be out in six months."

"Who cares! She doesn't deserve to spend that much time in there! I'm the one who ran from the cop!"

"I know, dear, but she was convicted of prostitution. There was no way for her to get out of that."

Unless Shinji disguises himself as a woman, gets convicted again, and ends up in the same facility as Rei.

Shinji ground his teeth. "Don't remind me."

"You're lucky we got them to drop the charges about your being her pimp when we explained that you were her half-brother."

What, like you can't be your sister's pimp? That's relationshipist and it's a serious form of discrimination! You better check your privilege, Japanese judicial system!

"Who cares... without her, I might as well stay in here until she gets out."

Yui looked at her son appraisingly. "You really love her that much, don't you?"

"Yes," Shinji answered without reservation.

"You know that it's not right."

It could be wrong, could be wrong
But it should've been right
It could be wrong, could be wrong
To let our hearts ignite

"I don't care. After we're both get out of jail, we'll live together. With or without your permission."

Yui nodded. "Shinji..."

Just then a buzzer rang and a guard called out. "Time's up!"

Yui sighed. "Shinji, I love you. I'll see you next week. Are you sure you don't want to see your father?"

Shinji scowled. "No! He'll be lucky if I even speak to him after I get out of here."

Besides, Gendo would spend the whole visit with his hands folded in front of his face and maybe occasionally murmuring about Human Instrumentality or something.

Yui nodded and stood up. "Goodbye, my son."

Shinji smiled. "Bye, Mom, I love you."

Yui turned around and left the visitor's booth, tears flowing down her cheeks.

-E- -V- -A-

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition: jail n. 1 place for detention of prisoners 2 confinement in jail v. 3 put in jail

4 buttrape central

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd
edition:
jail n. 1 detention sucks 2 confinement sucks v. 3 put in a theater... we're all in a jail of sorts, aren't we?

Deep thoughts, by Shinji Handy.

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st
edition:
jail n. 1 place for Shinji to get a dick up his ass 2 confinement in a little cell where Shinji can't run from the rape gangs v. 3 put in Shinji's backdoor

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother: jail n. 1 if you ever find yourself in jail, don't bend over in the showers 2 trust me, it's bad for boys AND girls to bend over in jail showers 3 why? 4 well, when I was younger I got into some trouble... err... just don't do it, okay?

-E- -V- -A-

"Man, six months in the slammer. That has to be rough," Touji commented as he sat on a park bench with Hikari and watched sun set in the distance.

On the plus side, think of all the new friends Shinji will make when he's forced to join a prison gang!

Hikari nodded, but didn't look away from the night sky she was looking at. "Yeah, but Rei's got three years ahead of her."

"That sucks too. But it sucks more that Shinji lost his virginity before me."

Hikari tensed.

Touji smirked and looked at Hikari. "But it would have been worse if Kensuke beat me too."

Irony!

Hikari tensed more.

Touji frowned after finally noticing that Hikari had ripped two chunks out of the wood bench with her clenched fists. "Are you okay?"

Hikari laughed and looked at Touji. "Yeah.... just a little cold."

"That's why I tore this firewood off the bench."

Knowing an invitation when he heard one, Touji slipped his arm around Hikari and held her tightly. He bent down and gave her a long hot kiss.

Hikari's heart wasn't in the kiss, but returned it anyway.

-E- -V- -A-

After a long make out session, Touji walked Hikari home and gave her one last kiss.

After their lips parted, Hikari couldn't stand the fire inside her any longer. "Touji?"

She goes from being cold to having a fire inside her. Women, amirite?

"Yeah?"

Hikari looked down at the ground to hide the blush she knew must be evident on her face. "Can... you get a room for tomorrow night?"

"Huh... why?"

Hikari's eye twitched. "Because I'd rather not have to do it in the park, you moron!"

"Huh? Everyone makes out in the park."

Why is everyone in this so stupid?

Oh, right. Because writing characters smarter than yourself is difficult.

Hikari sighed. "I'm not talking about making out..."

"Then wha... Oh!" Touji smiled broadly as he finally realized what this meant. <Yes, I'm finally going to get me some!> He jumped around for a few seconds before catching Hikari glaring at him. "Um... of course, I'll make it a night you'll never forget."

Hikari smiled on the outside while she was frowning on the inside. <I only hope it makes me forget about sleeping with Kensuke.>

If she wants to forget that badly, she may want to consider drugs.

-E- -V- -A-

The next night, Hikari lay by Touji's side and watched his chest rise and fall. <It was great.... but something was missing. Well, It's his first time, I'm sure he can get as good as Kensuke with a little practice.>

She sighed and rolled over and cuddled with the sleeping Touji.

-E- -V- -A-

Well, that was pointless.

A small mob of reporters surrounded the front porch of Kaji's house. They knew the smell of blood when they wrote it.

"Mr. Kaji, what is your response to the picture that was taken down in Osaka-2?"

"Mr. Kaji, the rumor is that you'll be dropping out of the mayoral race, is this true?"

"Mr. Kaji, is your fiancee going to leave you?"

From prison rape to incest to underage sex to the cruel world of Japanese politics. This fanfic has it all!

"Hey, dirtbag, how are you going to get out of this one?"

Kaji peered into the mass of reporters trying to locate the source of that last question. <That sounded like Maya's friend Ritsuko, but it couldn't be...> He put on a dashing smile and waved everyone into silence. "Please... please... I assure you that the woman in those pictures is just a good friend who was injured. I was comforting her after she was burned, that's all. I am not dropping out of the race and my fiancee is still very much the love of my life. She wouldn't think of leaving me over these silly rumors you reporters persist in spreading."

The nice (ha) thing about reading Garden of EVA is that I can skip to anywhere in the story and feel exactly the same amount of apathy toward what's going on.

"Out of my way, Kaji!" Maya snapped. She pushed Kaji aside and walked down the steps carrying two large suitcases in her hands.

"Maya? What's this all about?"

"Are you mad?" Kaji asked.

Maya smirked. "I think you know." She turned towards the reporters. "Get out of my way, you vultures." She pushed past the reporters and was greeted by Ritsuko, who took one of the bags and helped Maya into a waiting taxi.

"You're mad, aren't you?"

On his porch, Kaji tried to remain calm. "Well, my fiancee is just visiting her mother for a bit."

A shout contradicted him from the taxi. "Yeah right! We're through, you asshole! And you can kiss my father's support goodbye."

"Um... 'Asshole' is a term of endearment. Isn't that right, my beautiful little bitch?"

Kaji's eye twitched repeatedly and only his years of political experience allowed him to keep the twitch from spreading to his whole body.

"I hope you get there safely, you lovely skank!" he called after the car.

The taxi sped off, leaving Kaji behind to face the reporters. Inside Kaji was frantically trying to think of a way to save his campaign. <Well, at least I still have my house.>

"Mr. Ryouji, I'm here to repossess your house."

Kaji's face fell. "Huh?"

The geeky repo man looked at his paperwork. "Apparently the collateral for the loan was withdrawn. Step aside, please."

Looks like the characters are finally suffering consequences for their... everything. Huh.

Kaji's eye twitched uncontrollably. <Damn, Maya's father originally put down the collateral for the house.>

Since Kaji didn't move, the repo man pushed him aside and started checking out the house. "You've got an hour to get your crap out of here."

Kaji's chin fell to his chest and he slunk inside his house. Make that his former house.

-E- -V- -A-

Misato opened the door and shivered from the cold wind that assailed her. She peered into the pouring rain outside and gasped when she saw who was there. "Kaji?"

"Hey, Misato! Just the doorma- person I was looking for!" Kaji said enthusiastically. "Person is what I meant to say."

"Can I stay here for awhile?" Kaji said, hefting two large suitcases in his hands.

Misato frowned. "What about your 'image'?"

"The harm is done already. The reporters pretty much know we're lovers, Maya left me, they repossessed my house, and I don't know what might happen to my campaign."

Who knows, maybe it'll make him more popular.

Misato seemed to appraise the soaking wet man in front of her for a few seconds. "Come in, but don't get anything wet.

Kaji looked down at his soaked clothes and shrugged. "I'm not sure that's possible."

"Then take off your clothes before you come in," Misato said straight-faced. She spun around and went back inside, leaving the door open. <He deserves a little humiliation.>

Kaji looked around. "This is because I could never commit to you fully, right?"

"Are you mad?"

Misato's voice replied from inside. "Pretty much."

Kaji sighed and started undressing. He placed his wet clothes by the door and then grabbed his suitcases. Just as he was about to walk inside, a bright flash blinded him.

"What a scoop!!" a photographer yelled as he ran away.

A naked person? In Japan? That's never happened before!

Kaji watched the blurry image run away. "What else can happen tonight?"

"Archkriecher!!"

I kind of feel bad for Asuka. Despite being raised in Germany, her German vocabulary is limited to about three words. She clearly has some kind of learning disorder.

Kaji looked over and saw Asuka staring at him. She couldn't seem to decide where to look and her eyes ended up fluctuating between his face and his groin.

"You pervert!!" Asuka screamed after it twitched and bashed Kaji across his face with her purse.

Kaji crashed to the ground and grunted. "I shouldn't have asked."

WACKY

-E- -V- -A-

Later, Asuka sat in Misato's living room. Misato and Kaji, who was dressed in a robe, sat across from her.

No doubt the robe's open.

"Why are you here, Asuka?" Misato asked, not exactly pleased to have her there.

Asuka looked at her hands, afraid to look them in their eyes. "I need Kaji's help."

"Sexually," she clarified, even though that should go unstated in this fic.

Misato growled, literally. "You can't sleep with him again!!"

Asuka gasped. "What?! Why the hell would I want to sleep with Mr. Two Inches here again?"

What? She's German and Japanese! Why the hell wouldn't she use centimeters?

Kaji flinched as a part of his ego was ripped away. "It's not the size that matters!"

Misato's eye twitched. "He may not be huge, but he knows how to use it. Well, except when he tries to pretend it's a train and I'm a tunnel... that is so lame."

He's the little engine that couldn't.

Kaji's ego took another blow.

"Whatever... I initially thought it was so bad because it was Shinji's first time, but if you like it, fine. I'm here because I need your help to get Shinji out of jail."

"What? You want to get Shinji out of jail just because he's so much bigger?" Misato asked.

As someone who has bad enough taste to enjoy World of Tanks, let me say that this fanfic offends me with how bad it is.

Asuka's eyes narrowed. "How would you know?"

Misato suddenly found an interesting spot to look at on the floor. "Um... err..."

Kaji spilled the beans. "Misato ended up fucking Shinji the night you and I did it."

Gee, thanks for reminding me of that chapter. It only took me a year to forget it.

Misato glared at Kaji. "That is not for public consumption, idiot!!"

Asuka's jaw dropped. "No wonder he's so confused. Who wouldn't be after fucking an old woman!"

"That's no way to talk to your teacher!!"

"I could call the principal and tell him that you make a habit of sleeping with your male students..."

Except that, being a Garden of EVA character, he'd be into it.

Misato growled. "You little bitch... I was drunk when I had sex with them, so it doesn't count!!"

Wouldn't that make it rape? Except Shinji didn't know it was Misato, which means he was also being raped. Which makes them both rapists and rape victims! So... who am I supposed to sympathize with here?

(the answer is 'nobody')

Asuka laughed. "That'd hardly hold up in court!!" Suddenly, she frowned. "Them?"

"Kensuke and Shi... oops." Misato put her hand over her mouth.

Asuka's jaw dropped. "You fucked Kensuke and he lived through it?!" She never would have guessed that Kensuke had enough blood to survive having sex. <Ah! That's why he's been acting so weird lately.> "Damn, you're sicker than I thought. Now are you going to help me get Shinji out or do I talk to the principal and the media?"

Would anyone even care?

"Bitch."

"Takes one to know one."

Misato sighed in resignation. "Fine, we'll see if we can get Rei and Shinji out of jail."

"Not Rei, just Shinji. I need to get him to forget about Rei, and for that I need some time alone with him."

If Asuka's that determined, why doesn't she just kill Rei? It's not exactly out of character for her. In case you hadn't noticed, she's kind of a bitch.

Misato glared at Asuka, but knew her hands were tied. Well, not literally since Maya had taken all the equipment when she left Kaji. "Very well, Asuka, we'll see what we can do."

Asuka grinned in triumph. <Perfect... now Shinji will get his just deserts. Let's see how he likes having his emotions played with.>

Misato and Kaji were very shocked when Asuka started to cackle maniacally.

Sorry, but nothing in this is shocking anymore.

-E- -V- -A-

The wax dripped down onto Ritsuko's breast. She squirmed, but was held tightly by the ropes that bound her. Except for the blindfold and ropes, Ritsuko was naked. "Ahhhhhh!"

Nope, still not shocking.

"You've been a bad girl," Maya said, shaking the candle she held to release another drop onto her lover's breasts. Maya was dressed in a tight leather teddie and thong with an open crotch.

"Oh, Mistress... please stop."

"No!"

Ritsuko's mother poked her head into the room, which was currently more of a dungeon than a room. "Ritsuko dear, when you and your friend are done playing, we have to get to our appointment."

Still not shocking, sorry.

"Okay... okay... I'll be finished soon."

"NOW!"

"Ahhh gee, Mom!!"

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka glared at Shinji as he came out of his trance. "You made Kaji smaller too, didn't you!!"

I bet the Lance of Longinus is also smaller.

Shinji ducked the fist thrown at him. "No!!"

Asuka swung again. "Yeah, right!!"

"Asuka!!" Misato shouted. "Stop that. Kaji's... size is correct in the world Shinji created."

Shinji spent many hours studying Kaji's crotch so his recreation would be completely faithful.

Asuka's jaw dropped. "No way!! My Kaji could never be that small!!"

Misato sighed. "Your Kaji only exists in your mind. The real Kaji is smaller than Shinji... both of them."

Asuka huffed and crossed her arms over her naked bosom. She glanced down at Shinji's groin and smirked. <Who'd have thought Shinji was bigger than Kaji?>

WACKY

-E- -V- -A-

"Ikari!!"

As he sat on his toilet, Shinji looked up at the bars to his cell. "Hey! I'm on the toilet here!"

Look at how dumb Shinji is. The cell's toilet is there for brewing prison wine, not taking a dump.

"Fine... fine... I'll just give this pardon to someone else."

"What?!" Shinji jumped up and ran to the bars of his cell, leaving a trail of wet spots on the floor. "What do you mean?" he asked the guard as he gripped the bars.

And he was sitting down to piss. See? He'd fit in perfectly in the women's jail.

"We just got an order for your release. You're free." He opened the door.

It took Shinji a few seconds to digest the news. "Alright!!" He ran out of the cell and down towards the exit. His run was greeted by shouting and cat calls.

"Damn, that's a long sucker..."

"Let me give it a goodbye suck, Shinji!!"

this fanfic

"Damn, I could have had a eight-incher!"

"Here, have mine."

"No thanks, I don't like the look of that rash."

"Bye, honey."

Shinji finally realized he left his pants behind on the cell floor when an arm reached out from one of the cells and grabbed his penis. "Damn, that's a handful!"

this fucking fanfic

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji was blushing when he walked out of the jail and hugged his mother. He shot an evil look at his father and then was tackled by a redhead.

Asuka gave him a long kiss. "How does freedom feel?" She pressed her body closely against his to punctuate her question. <Resist this, if you can.>

I don't think that'll be a problem, actually.

Shinji blushed and squirmed out from under Asuka. "Um... it feels fine. Thanks for coming everyone." He looked around. "The gang isn't here?"

"Fucking MS-13. Knew I should've gone with Aryan Brotherhood," Shinji muttered.

Asuka shook her head. "We're taking you out for a party tonight, so you'll see them soon."

Yui ran her hand through her son's hair. "You look okay, Shinji. You didn't get raped or molested in there, did you?"

Does she really want to know the answer to that?

Shinji gulped and looked away awkwardly. "No! Rei got a friend to look after me." Shinji frowned. "I have to go visit her now that I'm out."

"I don't think that's a good idea, Shinji," Yui said, patting Shinji's hand.

"I don't care. I'll see her if I want to."

"Well, don't expect us to pay for you to get to Osaka-2."

"I'll find a way," Shinji said determinedly.

He'll mug someone for bus fare, get busted, and then the cycle of recidivism will be complete.

Asuka's eye twitched. "There's time to worry about that later... let's go party!" She smiled and dragged Shinji off.

A bewildered Shinji looked at the smiling redhead. <Why is she so happy? I figured after our last talk that she'd want to cause me great bodily harm or at least never want to see me again.>

Yeah. That's why she's so happy.

Yui and Gendou watched Asuka pull Shinji away. Yui cocked her head to one side. "I think he'll be okay."

Gendou nodded. "Yes, he seems to be adjusting. I'm sure he'll give up his silly notion of living with his sister."

Yui's eye twitched. "Don't think I've forgiven you for that."

Gendou gulped. "Yes, Dear."

-E- -V- -A-

"Fucking your own sister! What a stud you are!!" Touji laughed.

Well, you take what you can get.

Shinji looked around awkwardly at the other customers at the restaurant the gang had dragged him to. "Shhhhhh..."

Obviously, Asuka had told the gang about Shinji and Rei, but she had decided not to mention the tidbit about Misato sleeping with Kensuke and Shinji. That wasn't part of her plan, but making Shinji see how people would react to the idea that he was having sex with his half-sister was. She grinned as she saw how embarrassed Shinji was about the situation. <So far, so good.>

First, you subtly destroy the target's self-esteem. Then, they won't feel like they deserve a relationship, enabling you to sweep in and hold them emotionally captive.

Holy shit, Asuka's a Pickup Artist.

Hikari was not happy. "So... you toyed with my best friend's emotions just because you were having problems with Rei, huh? You're a lowlife, Shinji."

Shinji flinched. <Some party this is.>

Asuka smiled. "Hikari, please. Shinji has already apologized to me and I've forgiven him. It's just one of those things that happens."

You know, sometimes you trip and fall, and whoops! Your sister was lying there and now you're penetrating her. It just happens.

Shinji was very surprised at how Asuka had been acting since he got out of jail. <Well, she seems alright with it, but I didn't expect her to be the voice of reason in this bunch. I expected Touji to think it was cool or something. Hikari's reaction is about what I expected. And Kensuke...> Shinji looked at Kensuke, who was staring at a very well-endowed woman in the next booth. <Well, I'll have to talk to him about Misato... who would have thought that he would have gotten to sleep with her. Well, I guess the same goes for me.>

Hikari looked at her best friend in astonishment. "If you say so, Asuka, but I'm surprised at how calmly you're taking this."

Asuka shrugged. "What can I do? Shinji's the sick one here, so why should I make a big deal about it?"

All the characters are sick. It's just a matter of degree.

"I'm not sick!!"

"Okay, Shinji. Whatever you say."

Shinji dropped his head slightly. <Some party.>

-E- -V- -A-

"Good morning, Shinji!!" Asuka said as she flung open the curtains in his bedroom.

"Wakey wakey, hands off snakey!"

Shinji shielded his eyes from the sudden glare and sat up in his bed. He looked surprised that he was still in his pajamas and Asuka was wearing a nice low-cut green dress. "Why aren't you naked?"

Asuka gasped and held her hand modestly over her chest. "What?! How dare you ask that!"

Shinji shook his head. "I'm sorry, it's just that was how you kept waking me up before..."

"Only a couple times. But if you really want..." Asuka reached behind her back and started unzipping her dress.

"NO!!"

Shinji doesn't really know what he wants. Aside from incest, apparently.

Asuka shrugged. "Whatever. Come on, get dressed and we can go."

"Go?"

"To the park for breakfast so we can celebrate your freedom!"

Breakfast in the park? What?

"I don't feel like it."

"I wasn't asking," Asuka declared, sounding like her old self.

-E- -V- -A-

Reluctantly, Shinji followed Asuka up the hill. When they reached the top, he looked around. "Where's the gang?"

"I fucking swear, those guys are useless. I smuggle five kilos of hash across the border, in my ass, and this is how they repay me? Fine then, I guess I'm not going to their Cinco de Mayo party."

"It's just us, silly."

Shinji frowned. "I told you we can't date anymore."

"It's not a date. Can't two friends go on a picnic? Or are you saying that I'm not your friend anymore?" Asuka frowned and did her best to look hurt.

Come on, Shinji! Friend zone her! It's your only hope!

Shinji waved his hand. "No... no... of course, you're still my friend. I just meant... I..."

Asuka smiled. "Let's eat then."

As he sat down to eat, Shinji started to wonder if Asuka had been taken over by pods from outer space. <She isn't acting like herself.>

Shinji, you're spineless.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka lay on the grass and watched the clouds drift by. "That one looks like a flower."

"Yeah... maybe." Shinji muttered. <It looks more like Rei's face.>

Asuka pointed up at a cloud drifting by. "Wow... that one looks like your head."

"And that one looks like your spine- Oh. Right."

Shinji squinted. "No it doesn't."

"Wrong head." She gestured at his groin.

Shinji gasped and tried to deny it. Unfortunately, when he looked at the cloud again he realized it did look like the head of a penis. Despite himself, he started to giggle.

At least he's easily amused.

They lay like that for another hour, talking and laughing like old times.

As they got up to leave, Asuka realized she had forgotten that she was supposed to be making him pay for hurting her. <Oh, well... maybe later.>

-E- -V- -A-

A few days later at school, Kensuke and Shinji swapped stories about their encounters with Misato.

not more of this bullshit

"So, was her clit really sensitive for you too?" Kensuke asked.

Shinji blushed and looked around the schoolyard to make sure no one was within earshot. "Yeah, I guess... It was dark and I didn't know it was Misato."

"Who did you think it was?"

"Rei or Asuka... although near the end I was fairly certain that it was Asuka. Rei's breasts are a little smaller."

"But I was at least 70% certain it was a woman. Probably," Shinji said.

"Yeah, I've noticed."

Shinji scowled at Kensuke. "That's the girl I love you're talking about."

"And your sister. Are you really going to live with her after she gets out of jail?" Kensuke asked.

Shinji nodded. "Yes, I love her. I can't imagine being without her. Knowing that she's in jail is killing me."

Well, maybe he should have thought of that before... anything, really.

"Yeah, that's got to be..."

Kensuke was cut off when Touji plopped down next to them. "Well, Hikari and me have done it five times now."

Shinji rolled his eyes. "You don't have to tell us after every time, Touji."

Toji got confused and thought he was on the internet. "GUYS HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT HOW MUCH SEX I HAVE. I AM A SEX-HAVER. AM I COOL YET? NO? THEN LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE MONEY I MAKE WITH MY PHILOSOPHY DEGREE."

"Yeah..."

"You two are just jealous of our exciting love life. We just did it in the girls' bathroom... talk about daring." Touji smiled as he boasted of his escapades.

Shinji sighed. "Rei and me did it in handcuffs while we were on the run from the law."

Kensuke looked at Touji. "Sorry, man, he has you beat there."

Truly, Shinji is king of the losers.

Touji frowned. "The wedding cake frosting was kinky and all that, but does it count when he does it with his sister?"

Shinji smirked. "Oh yeah... it counted."

Touji frowned. "I'll be right back." He rushed off to find Hikari.

Shinji and Kensuke laughed.

Shinji turned back to look at Kensuke. "You think we should tell him about us and Misato?"

No. Stop talking. All of you.

Kensuke shook his head. "No, I don't think Hikari could handle Touji trying to catch up with us if he knew that. She's kind of frail and seems to enjoy gentle sex."

Shinji's jaw dropped. "You didn't..."

Kensuke swallowed hard as he realized what he had let slip out. "Don't tell Touji! He'll kill me!"

I don't see the downside here.

Shinji looked around to see if they were being overheard and then leaned over to Kensuke. "So how was it?"

Kensuke grinned. "Best I've had so far."

Shinji patted Kensuke's shoulder. "Don't worry, I won't tell..."

"Thanks."

Shinji continued. "For the price of a train ticket to Osaka-2."

Hey, Shinji finally figured out that he could blackmail people. It took him a long time, considering that everyone he knows is constantly having sex with everyone else he knows.

Kensuke gaped at Shinji. "You could have just asked for a loan."

Shinji frowned and looked nervously at his hands. "Sorry... it's just that everyone is against me seeing her."

"Well, I'm your friend and think you should do what your heart tells you to do."

"Thanks. Now about..."

Kensuke smiled. "How much do you need?"

"Well, there's the ticket itself, but there was something else I wanted to get for her..."

"How much do you think a file costs? Oh, and I'll need a cake, too."

-E- -V- -A-

"What, again?" Hikari asked as she hobbled out of the school and saw an obviously horny Touji waiting for her. The obvious part was the huge bulge on his pants.

Touji smiled and nodded. "Yeah... and I know just the right place."

Hikari rolled her eyes. <No matter what we do, it's just not the same. Maybe it's just the first time that is enjoyable for everyone.>

Maybe everyone in this fanfic deserves to be miserable and surrounded by their awful, awful "friends" at all times.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka and Shinji walked home that afternoon, talking casually.

"Hey, Shinji?" Asuka asked as they reached Shinji's apartment.

"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"Yes?"

"Are your parents home?"

"No, you know that they have their marriage counseling today."

Asuka tried to act surprised. "You don't say? Well, let's watch TV, play a game, have sex, or something."

This is what passes for subtlety in Garden of EVA.

"Okay..." Shinji absently responded.

Asuka smiled broadly.

"But forget about the sex. It ain't going to happen." Shinji turned his back to Asuka and inserted his key into the lock.

Asuka shot daggers into his back with her eyes until the tears forced her to close them.

All she wanted was casual sex with a guy who's committed to someone else! Waah, her life must be so hard!

Shinji opened the door and turned to let Asuka in, but instead he saw her running down the street, apparently crying. He started to run after her, but realized that would only encourage her more. <I'm sorry, Asuka.>

Sorry for what? How did she not bring this on herself? None of this makes sense.

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka ran into the night until she found herself in a small park. She collapsed onto a bench and sobbed into her hands. "Shinji, you jerk! Don't you know I love you!!" She gasped as she heard herself say the words. She raised her head and looked into the sky. "Why... why, did I say that?"

"Because it's the truth."

Hey there, deus ex machina! How's it going?

Asuka looked over at the source of the voice and gasped when she saw a ghostly apparition of herself floating a foot or so over the ground. "Wha..." She slid down the bench and tumbled off the edge in her fright. "Stay away!"

The ghostly Asuka shook her head sadly. "Don't worry, I'm here to help."

"Who are you?"

The ghostly Asuka decided to use the explanation she had given Shinji a while back when he had visited his alter-ego. "I'm the Asuka in your mind."

You see, there is a self within the self. There are two selves.

"Yeah, right... who'd believe that? What do you want?"

"To help you get Shinji."

"How? Do I beat him up until he gives in and dates me again, or do I find some way to blackmail him?"

"No... You have to find a way to make him fall in love with you."

"I suggest ground-up rhino horn."

Asuka swallowed hard and said something she had been denying to herself. Somehow telling it to the ghost was easier. Of course, technically that was admitting it to herself. "He's not interested. He just has the hots for his little slut of a sister."

The ghostly Asuka scowled. "Yeah, the clone is always diverting his attention from me too."

"Clone?"

The ghostly Asuka shook her head. "Don't worry about that. I can only visit you once-" She paused and shuddered at the thought of what she had done to get into Shinji's world "-so we have to get this right the first time. Do you trust me?"

If you can't trust the voices in your head, who can you trust?

Asuka seemed to consider this for a moment before she answered. "Well, you have a honest enough face."

After going over the details of her plan, the ghostly Asuka faded out of existence and back into the theater. She looked around the quiet theater to see if anyone noticed what she had done. "A good night's work, I think."

She looked down at the sleeping Shinji to make sure he hadn't woken up. Satisfied that he was still oblivious to her intrusion into his perfect world, she withdrew one finger from Shinji's ear and her other finger from his anus. "Damn, that's a disgusting way to get myself into his crappy world. I'm never doing that again." She wiped her hand off on Shinji's stomach and walked away.

It's like an A/V cable, only retarded.

When Shinji awoke later, he was puzzled by the marks on his belly. He ran a finger across them and sniffed the substance. "Ewwww..." He jumped to his feet and looked around. "Asuka!!"

WACKY

-E- -V- -A-

The next day, Shinji awoke to a familiar sensation. He opened his eyes and saw Rei sitting on top of his mighty oak and bouncing up and down. "Rei?" He gasped.

It's a trap!

Rei put her finger to her mouth and shushed him.

"But how did you get out?"

Rei put her hand over his mouth and continued bouncing.

Shinji got lost in the sensation. He reached up and massaged her breasts as she bounced. Suddenly, he frowned and blinked his eyes a few times. He looked down at where her body joined with his and swore. "Shit! What are you doing, Asuka!!"

I thought that was obvious.

"I'm Rei."

"Don't give me that!" Shinji pushed her off his mighty oak just before he shuddered and a white liquid spurted out. "Why the hell are you pretending to be Rei, Asuka?"



Yeah, I don't know either.

Asuka look up from the spot on the floor where she had landed after being rudely interrupted. She frowned and pulled off the short blue wig she was wearing. "Damn, what gave me away?"

"For one, your breasts are bigger."

Asuka smiled and stuck out her chest proudly. "Yeah, I know."

"And second, you should have dyed your pubic hair!"

Because, as has been established, the characters in this are oddly fascinated with pubic hair.

Asuka frowned and looked down at her red bush. "Damn, she forgot about that."

"She?"

Asuka ignored the question.

"What the hell were you trying to do anyway?"

"Showing you that sex with me can be just as enjoyable as with your sister." Asuka ran her hands sensually across her body. "You seemed to be enjoying it."

Shinji enjoys a lot of things. That doesn't mean he should do them. Case in point: Rei.

"Stop that!" Shinji reached for a sheet to cover his naked body. "It doesn't matter if sex with you is enjoyable or not. I don't love you... I love Rei!"

"Well, she's in jail and she's also your sister, Dummkopf!!"

"I don't care. It's not just about sex. I love Rei because when we're together I feel good and my life would be empty without her. I've never felt that way about anyone before. I still like you Asuka, as a friend. Although I'm starting to dislike what you're doing. Get it through your head that we can't be lovers, can't be boyfriend-girlfriend, and if you keep this up, we can't be friends anymore."

This would be a nice little moment if Shinji weren't saying this stuff for the express purpose of getting into his sister's pants later.

Asuka frowned and started to cry. She stood up and started to redress. "I'm just trying to make you realize that you can't really expect to have a real relationship with a girl who is your sister."

Shinji sighed and reached for his pajamas. "Yes, I can. Now... I'm going down to Osaka-2 to see her today and..." After slipping his pants on, he reached over to his nightstand and picked up a small ring box. "I'm giving her an engagement ring. It may not lead to a real wedding, but I love her and that's the end of that! Live with it!"

Looks like they'll have a sexless marriage like a normal couple. Heyo!

Asuka finished putting her dress back on and then made an attempt to grab the ring box. "Gimme that!"

Shinji pulled the box back and held it protectively against his chest. "I'm sorry, Asuka, but there is no chance that we can ever be a couple."

Just then, Shinji's Mom opened the door and walked in. "Wake up, sleepy boy..." She gasped when she saw Asuka. "Oh, Asuka. I didn't know you were here."

Yui seems surprisingly OK with this situation.

Asuka blushed. "Um, I just wanted to wake him up like old times."

Yui looked between Asuka and Shinji. "I see... Will you two please come to the living room so my husband and I can talk to you both?"

Shinji and Asuka nodded.

Asuka was raging inside at the failed plan. <That's the last time I listen to myself.>

It's not like anyone else listens to her.

-E- -V- -A-

Yui and Gendou sat across from the two very uncomfortable teenagers.

"Now, Shinji I'm glad you've started to get over your crush on Rei..." Yui began.

Oh, it's because she's massively out of touch. OK then.

"It's not crush!" Shinji insisted. "I love her and no matter what anyone says, I'm going to spend my life with her!"

Gendou sighed and looked sternly at his son. "Shinji, Rei is your sister. You are just confused."

"Shut up, you jackass!!"

Asuka and Shinji looked at Yui after her unexpected outburst.

No wonder he cheated on her.

"Sorry, Dear." Gendou bowed his head.

Yui ignored her husband for the moment and looked back to Shinji. "Shinji, if you really love Rei, why were you having sex with Asuka!!"

"I wasn't!! I mean... she tricked me. I thought she was Rei!" Shinji's blush deepened.

Yui looked at Asuka. "Asuka, what do you have to say?"

"I should've dyed my pubic hair," Asuka said. "I mean, uh... Sss- soooo... I'm sorr... Sssssssssoooooooooooo... Damnit, I've never said that word before!"

Asuka twiddled her fingers and avoided looking at Yui. She didn't want to admit she had tricked Shinji into having sex with her. "Um... nothing. I was just waking him up like I always have."

"So, you've had sex with Shinji every time you came over to wake him up?"

There are probably worse ways to start the day. Maybe.

"No! We haven't had sex!" Asuka's words did not ring true to Yui.

"I find that hard to believe considering what's hanging from your ear."

Asuka frowned and reached up and felt her ear, which was the ear Shinji couldn't see. She withdrew her hand and gasped when he saw what it was. "Ewwww..."

"A copy of 50 Shades of Grey? How'd that get there?"

"Now, how many times have you two had sex?"

"It's just hair gel!" Asuka insisted. To prove this, she combed it through her hair. "See?"

Nice try laying a smokescreen for your shitty fanfic by referencing a famous movie.

Yui looked suspiciously at the tall cowlick that now rose from Asuka's head. "Asuka, it's alright with us if you and Shinji love each other."

"Yeah, and it's better than Shinji having sex with his sister!" Gendou blurted, but quickly cowered away when Yui glared at him. "Sorry, Dear."

See? Gendo's just trying to help and he just gets shouted at.

Asuka glanced awkwardly at Shinji. "Um... well... I'm just trying to make sure Shinji doesn't throw his life away."

"Do you love my son, Asuka?"

Asuka blushed and nodded. "I guess."

Yui turned towards her son. "Shinji, do you love Asuka?"

"No!" Shinji exclaimed with conviction, causing Asuka to scowl at him. "I love Rei, and only Rei. Asuka is just a friend."

A friend he has sex with.

"Dummkopf," Asuka muttered.

Shinji scowled at Asuka. "But I'm not sure for how much longer."

Gendou worked up his courage and looked at his wife. "I think it's time we told them. It would help Shinji get over this crush on his sister."

Turns out Shinji is closely related to almost everyone in town, leaving Asuka as the one safe choice for non-deformed children. Gendo really gets around.

Yui nodded. "NOW you start making sense." She turned towards the teenagers. "Shinji. Asuka. We meant to wait until you were sixteen to tell you this and see how you got along. We were very happy when you two started dating."

"We never really dated!"

"We were so dating, you prick!"

"Anyway, after Second Impact reduced the population of the planet, there was a lot of concern over future generations."

For one, they'd never be able to top Shinji's generation's "things were worse in my day" stories.

"Yeah... yeah... we learned all this in history, Mom. But what does it have to do with Asuka and me?"

"Well, back when you both were barely out of diapers, we made a agreement with Asuka's parents."

"Huh?" Shinji started to get a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach.

"You and Asuka are engaged to be married."

Arranged marriage? Really? That's the best way they could think of to increase the population?

Shinji's jaw dropped.

Asuka's jaw dropped as well, but soon turned into a smile as she realized what that meant.

"How do you both feel about this?"

Asuka was the first to answer. "It's great... Mother. I'll make sure your son is happy."

Yui smiled.

"I'm so happy to rob my son of all choice in his future! What's that, boy? You want to be happy? Well fuck you!"

Shinji clenched his fists. "No! No! No!!" He stood up suddenly. "I am sick of you all telling me I can't be with the girl I love. And now you try to force me into some arranged marriage! This is the third millennium, not the primitive second!"

Yui reached out to hold Shinji's hand, but he rejected her attempts to comfort him. "Shinji, I thought it was old fashioned at the time too, but everyone was worried about the fact that the birth rate was decreasing rapidly after Second Impact. Making arranged marriages for your kids to ensure that they had a spouse when they were older was very fashionable."

"Although," Gendo added, "maybe the ten-sheckel dowry was going a bit too far."

"Fashionable?! So I imagine that it was fashionable for Dad to sleep around with anyone who would spread her legs for him?!"

Yui shook his head sadly. "No... he's just a cheating bastard." She glared at her husband.

"No, I was just doing my part to repopulate the Earth!" Gendou seemed quite proud of himself for using that as an excuse until Yui reminded of a little detail he had forgotten about.

"Shinji and Rei were both conceived before Second Impact."

Gendo's a forward-thinking kind of guy.

"Well, err..." Gendou retreated into the corner of the couch

-E- -V- -A-

"Hot damn!" Asuka shouted. <Damn, that worked even better than my original plan. Since sex with me would naturally be much better that with Rei, Shinji would have dumped his sister for that Asuka. And even if that didn't work, getting that Asuka pregnant would ensure Shinji stayed with her, but this is just perfect. Asuka's got Shinji's parents on her side now.> She looked away from the viewpoint and at Rei, who was standing by Shinji's side. "Asuka's going to get Shinji after all!!"

Wow, shipping fans are annoying.

"I doubt it," Rei casually replied.

Asuka smirked. "Shinji would never defy his dear mother... he'll marry me in that world."

Shinji snapped out of his trace and sighed. "What else can go wrong?"

I think the real question is, "what hasn't gone wrong?"

Asuka smirked. "Nothing wrong with you marrying me, Shinji."

Shinji looked sadly at Asuka. "It is if he doesn't love her."

"How do you know he doesn't love her?"

Yeah! Maybe he secretly enjoys being with a psychobitch.

Shinji looked back at the viewpoint. "He doesn't." He glanced at Rei and saw her smile. <Why does seeing her smile make me feel so good?>

-E- -V- -A-

"Hey, that's great," Touji exclaimed and held up his glass of soda. "A toast to the happy couple!! Kanpai!"

Stop using words from other languages. In fact, stop using words at all, Lazar. Just stop.

Kensuke followed suit, but not as enthusiastically as Touji. "Kanpai!"

Shinji banged his head repeatedly against the table of the small burger joint the gang had dragged him to. <There is no way I can go through with this, but my mother is so insistent. If it was Dad, this would be a no brainer, but how can I get my mother to understand?>

Would it be too crass to suggest suicide?

Asuka was relishing all the attention their friends were giving their engagement. <The faster I make sure everyone knows we're engaged, the harder it will be for the little weasel to squirm out of it.>

Hikari was torn between being happy for Asuka and also knowing that Shinji didn't love her. <Even if they do get married now, it'll end up as a loveless marriage. I'm just glad I have Kensuke to...> Hikari gasped and looked between Kensuke and Touji. <Get a hold of yourself, Hikari. Sure Kensuke is great in bed, but that's not everything. I have so much more with Touji.> Even as she thought those words, Hikari wasn't sure what she thought she had with Touji.

I don't know about that, but I can tell you what she doesn't have: my attention.

Hikari was shaken out of her thoughts when Asuka asked her a question. "What's wrong, girlfriend?"

"Nothing... um... I was just daydreaming."

Asuka smirked. "Bet you were wondering what it would be like to be married to Touji."

"No!!" Hikari blushed and looked at Touji.

Touji laughed. "Well, that one thing I'm not in a hurry to do, so Shinji is more than welcome to beat me to the altar."

Toji's got this all figured out.

Hikari frowned.

Kensuke straightened his glasses. "Well, we all have a lot of time ahead of us to find the one we want to spend our lives with." He subconsciously glanced at Hikari.

Hikari noticed his glance and blushed a deeper shade of red.

Despite hating it, Shinji stayed at the improvised engagement party until it broke up. He raced to the train station but missed the last train that could get him to Osaka-2 during visiting hours. <Shit...
tomorrow for sure>.

Keep telling yourself that, Shinji.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei paced back and forth in her cell. "His letter said he'd be visiting today. Where could he be?" She paced some more before spotting one of the guards passing by. "Umiko, have I had any visitors?"

The large stocky woman paused. "Nope, sorry. Visiting hours are over now... so maybe tomorrow."

Rei dropped to the floor and started to cry. "Have you forgotten me already, Shinji?"

He must have resorted to drugs after all.

-E- -V- -A-

After their now daily 'let's find someplace exciting to fuck' date, Hikari walked home along the lake near her apartment. <It's the same thing every day... we don't even talk anymore.> She sighed heavily. "What am I going to do?"

"Hikari?"

Hikari started at the sudden voice and looked around. "Kensuke? Um... evening."

And Kensuke swooping in for the rebound.

Kensuke smiled. "Good evening. You just get done with your date?"

"Yeah..."

"I see you had fun."

"Huh?"

"You're not wearing your panties." Kensuke's voice almost had a touch of jealousy in it.

"As a full-time creepy nerd, I pay attention to that sort of thing," Kensuke continued as he searched for the appropriate panty-themed TV Tropes page under which to catalogue Hikari.

Hikari blushed and looked down at her dress to make sure everything was in place. Touji had torn her panties, so she had to do without on the way home. Unfortunately, it wasn't the first time. "Um... how did you know?"

Kensuke shrugged. "No panty line."

Hikari blush deepened. "You know, for someone who has only had sex once, you're pretty slick."

"I also attached an upward-facing camera to my shoe. I can see everything," Kensuke said.

"Um..."

"Everything."

"Um... it wasn't my first time."

Hikari gasped. "Ah! So you did have practice to get so good," she said without thinking. She looked awkwardly at the ground when she realized what she had she said. "Um.. what I mean..."

"Don't worry about it, Hikari. I'm not going to risk getting Touji mad at me, so I'll keep my feelings to myself."

How surprisingly considerate of him.

Hikari stared silently at Kensuke for several seconds before speaking. "Feelings? You have feelings for me?"

"Err... no... um... I meant... err..."

Hikari shut him up with a kiss.

They spent the rest of the night together talking about anything not related to that kiss or the night they slept together. Around midnight, Kensuke walked her home and they awkwardly said goodnight. Kensuke was about to turn away, when he stopped and pulled Hikari into a long kiss.

Wait. Nevermind.

-E- -V- -A-

The next morning, Shinji was determined to make it to Osaka-2 on the first train of the day. He ran out of his apartment without even having breakfast or speaking to his parents. <They'd just try to stop me anyway.>

He was almost to the train station when Kaji pulled up beside him in a red sports car. "Shinji!"

"Hey, how do you feel about M-M-F threesomes? Normally I wouldn't ask, but... You know what, just get in the car and put on this wig."

Shinji started and looked into the car and gasped. "Kaji?"

"Get in, kid. Misato wanted me to come and get you two."

"Two?" Shinji leaned down and looked into the car and saw Kensuke in the passenger seat. "What's going on?"

"I don't know, kid, she just asked me to get both of you. Get in."

Kaji's doing this all wrong. If you want to abduct young people, you need a good, spacious van, not a sports car. What an amateur.

Shinji checked his watch. "Um... I really can't right now."

"Do you really want Misato angry at you? Trust me kid, it's not a pleasant experience."

Shinji gulped. "Well... as long as it doesn't take that long, it's okay. I've got a train to catch." He got in and the car sped off.

Yeah, he's not getting to that train.

-E- -V- -A-

Misato stood in front of the couch that Shinji, Kensuke, and Kaji sat on. "Now, I'm sure you are all wondering why I got you all together."

The three on the couch nodded in unison.

"Since I'm not sure how else to say it, I'm going to make this short." She breathed deeply and looked the three of them in their eyes. "I just found out that I'm pregnant and one of you must be the father."

I mean, normally I don't spoil stuff in fanfics I'm mocking, but this is Garden of EVA. It's predictable enough that I don't give a shit.

Kaji's political career, which was already on life support, vanished with that single statement.

Kensuke shuddered as he heard the news.

And Shinji fainted and ended up missing his train trip to visit Rei.

You see?

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka smiled as Shinji shuddered out of his trance and collapsed onto the floor. She put a visor on her head and pulled out a notebook. "Okay, I'm taking bets on who the father of Misato's baby is. Who's in?"

Wouldn't she be upset at Shin- fuck it, why should I expect any consistency.

"Asuka!" Shinji snapped.

Asuka ignored him. "Shinji's the favorite at the moment."

Rei frowned. "Why's that?"

"Because that would suck the most." Asuka grinned broadly.

OK, I'll admit it. I'm the father. I was going to say so in the PA Confessions thread, but then some horrible jerk locked it.

"Give me a million yen on Kaji being the father."

Asuka smiled at Misato. "Okay, you're covered. Although the odds are pretty bad on him being the father."

Misato scowled. "Why is that? He's had to have made love to that Misato more than the other two."

"Maybe, but Kaji being the father would make Misato happy... so in that world it's unlikely."

But precedent would suggest it's Gendo.

"Give me two million on Kensuke."

Asuka made an entry in her notebook. "Okay, the clone is in. But why Kensuke? I'd have thought you'd always bet on Shinji."

"I am. I'm betting that he will find happiness." Rei smiled and looked at Shinji.

"You're weird, you know that."

No, really?

"Ten million on Shinji being the father."

Asuka gasped and looked at Shinji. "Wow. You're that sure your world sucks?"

Shinji sighed. "Why not? If it's bad for Shinji, it'll happen. And I can't think of anything worse than him being the father of Misato's child."

-E- -V- -A-

"Rei, you have a visitor," the guard called out as she unlocked the door.

Watch it not be Shinji.

Rei sprang from her bed and was running down the hall before the guard even finished opening the door fully. Rei rushed down and into the little visitor cubical. "Shinji!!" Her momentum almost sent her crashing into the glass separating the two sides of the cubicle.

"That's no way to greet your mother."

You see? I am so on the ball today.

Rei snarled when she saw Ritsuko standing on the other side of the glass instead of Shinji. "What are you doing here?! I told you the last time you came that I don't want to see you or Grandmother anymore. And that goes double for when I get out of here."

"Are you mad?" Ritsuko asked. "I get the feeling you're mad. Is it at me? You can say so. Because I think you might be mad."

"FUCK YOU! But not literally. That would be even creepier," Rei said. "Lazar's probably saving that for Book 2."

"Rei, I know you're mad at me, but you got yourself into this mess. Your grandmother and I love you."

"I'm sorry, but until you accept that I will spend my life with Shinji, I don't want to have anything to do with you." Rei folded her hands across her chest and made to leave.

"Don't you want to know why he hasn't come to see you since he got out of jail?"

Those words froze Rei in her tracks. "Wh...why?"

Sheer ineptitude. Duh.

"Well, apparently he's engaged to that Asuka girl."

Rei's response was barely audible. "No..."

"Yes, I talked to her mother to confirm it. It was arranged a long time ago. Face it, he was just using you for your body."

Her body? You mean the body that's almost certainly cultivating more disease cultures than a Soviet biological warfare unit? That body?

"No... he... he loves me."

"Then why hasn't he visited you?"

Rei was trembling. "I don't know... I have to get out of here so I can talk to him."

"Sorry. You'd best use these three years to get over him. He'll be married to her by then."

And then divorced. And then he'll marry Misato, then divorce her after she has another kid with some random guy. Then he'll hook up with Yui, because why not. And that's just within the first three months.

"No... no... no!" Rei put her hands to the glass. "Listen, Mother, I know you don't like him and think our love is wrong, but you have to get Grandmother to use her connections to get me out of here!"

"No. Every time we bail you out of one problem, you just get into more trouble. This time you have to face the music. Maybe this time you'll learn something." Ritsuko sighed and looked downwards. "I'm sorry."

Rei started to shake uncontrollably. After several seconds of silence, she looked her mother straight in her eyes and spoke. "You can't leave me in here. I wanted to tell Shinji first, but I'm carrying his child!!"

wait what

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji shuddered and collapsed to the floor of the theater. "I was wrong. Being the father of two different women's babies would be worse."

You might say like fath-

"Like father, like son." Asuka started to laugh uncontrollably.

Damn it.


[End - Garden of EVA 1:7 - Jail Sucks!]
=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:


Archkriecher is German for brown-noser, sycophant, ass-crawler.

Dumpfbacke is German for dumb-ass.

It's a real word? Shit, I'm bad at German.

Okay, I know that I used the cum on ear joke from There's Something About Mary in the last part too, but I found it immensely amusing to turn the tables on Asuka like that in this part. I hope you did too. But don't worry, it won't become a running joke.

Good. I'm not sure how much more wackiness I could stand.


I'd like to thank my pre-readers Axel Terizaki, EBJ, Michael A. Chase, Thomas Kinnen, Lilly, and Justin Baugh for helping me find and fix problems with this story. FFML members Patrick McClanahan, Toh Ee Loong, C. Jones, Phil, Mark Ferrer, and Seneca R. Rapso were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.

They most certainly are.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft (October 1, 1999)
Revision 0.2 - Pre-reader draft (November 2, 1999)
Revision 0.3 - FFML draft (November 15, 1999)
Revision 1.0 - Final version (December 1, 1999)
Revision 1.1 - First RAAC posting (December 5, 1999)

Well, here's my closing statement:

[Screaming_Soulcatcher]

Holy shit it lives. I was starting to think this wouldn't see the light of day again.

[xoxjoanxox]

*hyperventilates*

[Al_Cone]

Huh. I was going to do this after I finished SMLoZ, but yeah, this works too.

Good hustle, Doc. If you want to cap this bitch off, be my guest.

[Dr. O]

I was hoping you'd do the final chapter, actually. The group mock was your idea and I was barely involved. How about a trade - I'll do another Fallout: Equestria chapter and you finish this, all right?

[Al_Cone]

I was hoping you'd do the final chapter, actually. The group mock was your idea and I was barely involved. How about a trade - I'll do another Fallout: Equestria chapter and you finish this, all right?

Agreed. Though I'll have to ask you to wait on your Fo: E chapter; I'm hoping to entice TK into joining the fun.

[Nihilistic One]

This thing's still alive? Huh, I thought you guys just forgot about it and were going to let it remain frozen in time for new users and lurkers to marvel at. So anyway, this is an awesome group mock and it's one of the reasons I joined this site.

[T_K_17]

Joining the what now?

[Al_Cone]

Change of plans, folks.

The Boss has got this one.

[Dr. O]

Fuck yeah.

[xoxjoanxox]

Change of plans, folks.

The Boss has got this one.

[Al_Cone]

The Hutch coughed, expectorating a thick wad of maple syrup at Jim Lazar's feet. Hutch's legs buckled, and he dropped to his hands and knees, no longer able to support his own weight after the beating he'd received.

Lazar, looking smug, said "I don't know how you thought you could get away with it--mocking my magnum opus, I mean. But I'm glad I was able to catch up to you and...instruct you...in how terrible an idea that was." He swung his diamond-tipped pimp cane underhandedly, striking Hutch on the jaw and sending him tumbling backward. Hutch struck the cold, metal floor hard, gasping for breath.

"Now then," said Lazar, casually strolling toward Hutch's body. "Speaking of my magnum opus, you're not actually using it, so I'd be gratified if you'd return it to me. I intend to beat you for some time, you see, and I'd rather not splatter my manuscript with maple syrup. It's a real bitch to clean out."

Hutch coughed, spat another wad of syrup, and laughed. The sound was weak, faint, but there was true joy in it, and Lazar was perplexed. "What could you possibly have to be happy about?"

"You want Garden of EVA back?" Hutch raised his head, grinning. "I never had it, my friend. You've been deceived."

Lazar's eyes went wide.

The lights within the stock warehouse came on all of a sudden. Lazar found himself surrounded by crates, stacked high to the ceiling, all marked with the phrase "Stuff That Goes Boom". Wired to every last box was a detonator. An analog timer slowly ticked down the seconds. Lazar blanched and voided his bowels as he realized that the timer was ticking down from thirty.

"If not you..." Lazar swallowed and forced himself to speak through his terror. "If not you, then who? Who?!"

Hutch spat another wad of syrup, this time out of defiance. It landed on Lazar's shoes, and Hutch smirked at his marksmanship. "He, has it, Lazar. And even though I'm going to die here, now, in this place filled with Stuff That Goes Boom, I comfort myself in knowing two things...that I'm taking you with me...and that a fire shall rise."

In those final moments before his entire world was noise and pain and burning and brightness, Lazar found himself thinking something which he, being a brilliantly subtle and nuanced writer, thought utterly ironic.

"Dying sucks."

[Al_Cone]

It's difficult to describe the kind of despair that overwhelmed my soul when I first opened this document and saw a monstrous horde of 12,893 incompetently assembled words staring back at me. The best way I can think to explain my state of mind at the time is to liken my situation to that of a lone surviving soldier who has just climbed a hill to confront an enemy army with the expectation of facing a small group officers, only to crest the horizon and see before him legions of hostile troops, all of them equipped with armor and weapons infinitely more advanced than the tawdry rags and rusted blade at his disposal.

In such a situation, the inevitable reaction is to fall to one's knees and surrender to emotion. The choice, then, is which sound you allow to escape from your throat: the haunting cries of a man forced to confront the specter of his own mortality, or a trembling, quiet laughter that signals the abandonment of reason and welcomes the freedom of one last stand against impossible odds. The warrior's spirit in me was awakened in that glorious instant, and I stood up cackling like a madman as a strange kind of euphoria flooded my brain. Moments later, I charged forward into the gaping maw of the beast that is the eighth chapter of Garden of EVA Book 1: Sucks.

For better or for worse, the battle that followed has largely escaped my recollection. All I have to remember the most dire moments of my struggle are the following mockery and a crumpled note I apparently wrote on some scrap paper upon finding I had somehow survived the encounter:

A hundred years hence, none shall remember this battle. Irrelevant. In this moment, this soul of mine blazes with the light of divine realization. I am invincible. Oh, all ye who stand within mine gaze—all ye warriors, all ye devils, all ye gods—take now your rightful place and fall at my feet.

I'm never doing anything this long ever again.

-A- -F- -T- -E- -R-

[EVA][Fanfic][Lime] Garden of EVA 1:8 - Fatherhood Sucks!
=======================================================================
Garden of EVA 1:8 - Fatherhood Sucks!
Book 1: Sucks

Neon Genesis Evangelion characters and situations created and Copyright
by Gainax, Project Eva, ADV Films - Used without permission

Garden of EVA series created, written, and copyright 1998-2000 by Jim
Lazar

A series set within episode 26 of Neon Genesis Evangelion that really
sucks.

Since we've pretty much exhausted all possible jokes making fun of that conveniently misplaced modifier, I'll just point out that setting all this convoluted nonsense in the 26th episode of Evangelion is probably the most appropriate setting for any fanfiction ever written.

<Speech text in angle brackets is thought by character.>
"Speech text in double quotes is spoken as Japanese."

&Speech text in ampersands is spoken as Russian translated into Mandarin Chinese translated into Swahili translated into English.&

E-mail comments and/or criticisms to: jim [at] animeprime.com

Previous parts and my other fanfiction can be found at:
http://www.animeprime/ff/geva

Anyone who makes it through all this and feels the desire to read more of it would probably be better off visiting this site: http://www.nimh.nih.gov

=======================================================================
There are a couple references to/from End of Evangelion in this part
(and more in the next part). I have endeavored to keep spoilers down to
a minimum, but there may be potential spoilers herein.

Spoiler: Shit goes and gets 31 flavors of CRAZY, yo.

And all the usual sex, blood, guts, and bad jokes are here too. "Of
course, it's Garden of EVA."
=======================================================================


Shinji straightened his bow tie and looked at his reflection in the
mirror.

Really nice finishing touch there, Shinji. You're sure to win that Biggest Tool in the Entire World award, now.

<The tie looks good, but the face looks nervous.> He took
several deep breaths and tried to calm himself. <I shouldn't be nervous.
We will have a fun time and not worry about anything.>

When suddenly, giant robots and religious symbolism destroying everything in a massive orgy of blood and death!!

After getting his hand to stop shaking, Shinji turned around and
started to walk towards his destination.

Shinji: Damn, I could not have picked a worse night to kick my OxyContin addiction.

After he reached her door, he paused. <No, this isn't going to work.>
He started to turn around when he stopped himself.
<No!! I won't run out!> He turned around and knocked on the door.

Poor Shinji is going to be devastated when he finds out the Little Red-Haired Girl already agreed to go to the dance with Linus.

Behind the door, Rei sprang to her feet and smiled. "He's here!!"
She checked her hair in a mirror and flicked a strand of hair that was
out of place. "I'm going, Mom!!"

"Have fun, dear, but not too much fun, if you know what I mean."

Thata girl, Rei. Make him spring for a nice dinner before you put out. Business before pleasure.

Rei sighed. "Okay, okay... I already promised not to fuck him
during our date tonight!"

On the other side of the door, Shinji blushed at hearing Rei's
shout. <No need to be nervous... she just said she wouldn't do that.>

Shinji: *wheeze* C'mon, Shinjster, be cool! She's not gonna see the state Pen Pen left Lil' Shinji in after he mistook it for an anchovy. Tonight, your pride is safe.

His hand started to shake again as he raised his arm to knock again.

Before his hand reached the door, Rei opened it. "Hi, Shinji!" She
smiled.

I always answer my front door the same way. Staring through the peephole for hours on end eats up a lot of time, but scaring the hell out of Girl Scouts and Mormons is pretty much the ultimate thrill.

Shinji's heart skipped a beat as he withdrew his hand. "Hi...
Rei..." His voice cracked and rose a few octaves. He held out his other
hand and handed a bouquet of roses to her. "Here."

Rei face brightened as she took the flowers. "Thank you, Shinji.
Shall we go?"

Shinji nodded, not trusting his voice. He held out his hand and Rei
eagerly took it.

Rei winced sharply as she clutched what felt like a leather glove that had been soaked overnight in hot bacon grease.

"So, where are we going?"

Shinji looked at Rei and smiled. "Over to the other side of the
theater."

"Oh, it's so pretty over there." Rei beamed. "I like the bow tie,
by the way."

Shinji blushed. "Thanks."

Shinji: If you kiss me on the cheek, it comically spins around and makes a high-pitched whirring noise while steam comes out of my ears.

"It doesn't go with the rest of what you're wearing, though."

Shinji looked down at his naked body and frowned. "It doesn't?"

Rei shrugged, causing her naked chest to rise slightly. "It just
seems out of place for some reason."

*clap*
*clap*
*clap*

Well PLAYED, Jim Lazar! You tricked me into imagining the characters wearing clothes, when they were really nude the entire time! Oh boy, I walked right into that one. I'm gonna have to keep my eye on you.

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji and Rei lay next to each other and stared at the ceiling.

An UNFAMILIAR CEILING.

"You do this a lot?" Rei asked after she grew tired of staring.

"Yeah... it's sort of relaxing."

"It's a bit boring."

"Yeah... that too."

Staring up a ceiling sounds like a trip to Six Flags compared to reading this goddamn fanfic. I've read instruction manuals for white noise machines that were more exciting than this.

Rei sat up. "Shinji?"

Shinji looked up at her and saw that mischievous look in her eyes
that he was used to seeing in Asuka's eyes. <Uh... oh. She wants to
fuck.>

Rei is ready for the ORAL STAGE.

He swallowed and then reluctantly answered her. "Yes, Rei?"

"Can we..."

"Can we?"

"Can we paint the ceiling?"

Shinji's mouth dropped open at the unexpected question.

Damn it, Shinji, you're supposed to fall over backwards in surprise, then stand up grinning sheepishly and rub the back of your neck while a sweat drop appears on your forehead. Now this is barely even half of a forced anime cliché.

"Huh?"

"Well, since you think it's boring, let's paint it a different
color."

Shinji thought for a few moments before smiling broadly. "Okay...
why not."

Thus, they set about creating A HUMAN WORK.

(That was the last one, I promise.)

-E- -V- -A-

Later, Shinji lay on the floor of the theater and looked up at the
ceiling. For once, he didn't get depressed when he did this. Instead of
its old solid white paint job, it now had a vivid rainbow painted across
its surface. Flowers and other colorful plants were painted around the
rainbow in a splash of color that the theater desperately needed.

Oh neat, they're painting a mural depicting Jim Lazar's sexuality. BOOM, ROASTED.

Shinji looked over at Rei and then down at his naked body. He
frowned when he saw all the paint drops and splashes on his skin.

Shinji: This blows, Rei. You don't even know what the Hells Angels' insignia looks like, do you.

He looked back at Rei and wondered about her clean skin. "How did you
keep from getting paint on you?"

"I was careful."

Haha, wow. Way to emasculate him, Rei. This relationship couldn't be off to more of a predictably grim start.

"Ah." Shinji turned his head back and contemplated the ceiling. He
stealthily reached over and grabbed a paintbrush with red paint on it.
In one quick swipe, he painted a racing stripe down Rei's side.

"Shinji!"

Rei: Gross! Now I look like one of those gaudy American sports cars middle-aged guys buy during a midlife crisis when they're too unattractive to cheat on their wives!

Shinji smiled playfully and painted two circles around her breasts.

In retaliation, Rei reached behind her and grabbed a blue
paintbrush. With a flurry of movement, she wrote 'oak tree' on Shinji's
chest and an arrow down to his groin.

So named for its dark, gnarled appearance and penchant for attracting gall wasps.

In no time, the two teenagers were splashing paint all over each
other. After several minutes of this, Rei's blue hair was a mixture of
red, blue, green, purple, and burnt umber.

I wish someone would draw fanart of this so I could make an "ANIME!" macro. I bet the guys on /a/ would think that was hilarious.

The rest of her body was splashed with similar colors.

Rei had been more detailed in her painting. In addition to her
pointing out Shinji's mighty oak,

Just like a certain fanfiction author has done every fucking chapter up this point. Maybe it's for the best; Lazar is so bad at writing erotica, at least maybe some lumberjacks will get turned on by something in this story.

she also had painted lightning bolts down his thighs, flower petals
around his nipples, a kabuki mask on his face, and a tiger-striped
thong on his nether regions. How she managed to paint in such detail
was anybody's guess.

Rei has spent a total of well over 200 hours playing Jet Set Radio on the old Dreamcast in the NERV HQ break room.

Shinji was trying his best to get her back in kind, but was
obviously not able to do anything as detailed as the 'kick me' painted
on his backside. He reached a brush towards her, but she easily dodged
his attempts to paint 'spank me' on her buttocks.

In Shinji's defense, the kanji for "spank" is super hard to write without the right kind of brush.

Maybe he should have just spanked her instead, she might not have
dodged that.

In his attempts to paint Rei, Shinji slipped on a discarded
paintbrush and fell forwards. Rei reached out to help, but instead ended
up falling with him. They crashed onto the floor together. Shinji
grunted and opened his eyes to find himself looking directly into Rei's
eyes. "Um..."

This is the kind of tripe that winds up on the page when your entire entertainment diet consists of nothing but anime and straight-to-video romantic comedies.

Rei waited for something to happen. Half of her was longing for his
kiss and the other half was screaming about the pain from her hip where
he had landed on her. She ignored the latter, in hopes of the former.

After an eternity of beating hearts, Shinji slipped off her body.

Moments later, Shinji clutched his chest with an audible HHHHHNNNNNGGGG. Rei grabbed the defibrillator from the nearby crash cart and shouted "Clear!" as she delivered a rush of several thousand life-ending volts into Shinji's torso. She should've read the manual.

"Sorry." He slipped a few meters away and sat cross-legged on the floor.

Rei frowned as she got up off the floor and knelt down next to him,
rubbing her hip. "Shinji... didn't you want to kiss me?"

That question carries very different implications when you're rubbing your ass.

Shinji didn't look up. "Yeah..."

"Then why didn't you? I enjoyed it when you kissed me before."

"I don't know. I wanted to, but..."

"But what? I thought you had made a choice."

How quickly Rei forgets that Shinji's character sheet has zero points allocated to the Constitution and Charisma stats and the maximum amount put into the Pussbag stat.

"I did and I want to see it out... but..."

Rei reached out and pulled Shinji's head to face her. "But what?"

"I... don't have any protection."

Astonished, Rei's legs went limp and she fell to the side, making a
mighty thump when she hit the floor.

There it is. Hooray, time to take another shot...!

Shinji grabbed a paintbrush and grinned mischievously.

Shinji: I know somebody's wanted poster that's getting a moustache! *giggle*

He quickly wrote 'spank me' on her buttocks. "Got you!!"

Rei spun around a few times trying to see what he wrote, but
couldn't. "What does it say?"

Shinji smiled. "I'm not telling."

"Please." Rei started to get dizzy from spinning around trying to
look at her own butt.

Next on Things I Never Thought I'd Write: I sure do miss the emotionally empty robot version of Rei.

"I'll show you."

"Okay."

-E- -V- -A-

Asuka heard a loud slapping sound and looked up from the card game
she was playing with Misato. "What was that?"

It was the sound of a thousand Evangelion fans all facepalming at once after reading the previous scene.

Misato clenched her fists. "I don't know." She looked back at her
cards. <I promised Rei I wouldn't interfere with their date today, but I
don't know how much longer I can ignore all those sounds.>

She was holding it together until she heard a goat bleating and a stock sound effect of an old car horn.

Asuka smiled as she lifted her two replacement cards. "Ha!"

Misato looked at her opponent. <She's not very good at poker.>

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji banged his head repeatedly against the last wall in his room
without head holes in it. "No... no... no."

Wow, it's like looking into a crappily-written mirror.

Shinji's mother poked her head in the door. "Shinji, are you sure
you won't talk to me about this? You've been upset about something for
the past few days.

I like that it took Yui a good 48+ hours before the sounds of drywall being destroyed by a human head echoing through the house became bothersome enough that she broke down and decided to suffer through a conversation with her son.

If it's about your engagement..."

"I'm not marrying Asuka!!"

Yui flinched from the loud outburst. "Then what is it?"

Clearly, Shinji is ragging so hard that his underwear all look like they belonged to one of Freddy Krueger's victims.

<We all agreed not to tell anyone else until we could confirm who
was the father, but not knowing is killing me.> Shinji stopped banging
his head and collapsed onto his bed. "I'm just upset about missing my
train to Osaka-2 the other day. No refunds, my ass."

Good thing he's too mature to overreact over something dumb. What the hell would this kid do if he was going on vacation and his flight got delayed? Scream blasphemies and set himself on fire?

Yui sighed. "Come on." She held out her hand.

"Huh?"

"If you must see her, we can go down together today."

Shinji was stunned.

He didn't know how oral sex with his mother was going to help him see his girlfriend, but damned if he wasn't all kinds of intrigued.

He looked between his mother and the clock, mentally
calculating the time they had until the next train. "Why all
of a sudden?"

"I had hoped you would realize that it's just a crush or
infatuation by now. Maybe talking to her will..."

Shinji got angrily to his feet. "It's not a crush, it's love!!"

Shinji: God, it's like Simple Plan understands me better than you do! I wish Simple Plan was my mom!

"Shinji, you're too young to know what love is."

Shinji looked ready to continue fighting, but decided it was a
waste of time. "Whatever... let's just go." He walked over to his
dresser and paused. "I'll be right out."

Shinji: I owe it to my Tumblr followers to let them know how upset I am right now.

"Okay." Yui sighed and left her son's room, wondering if she was
doing the right thing. <Well, at least I can have a good long talk with
him on the way down.>

After his mother left, Shinji opened his top drawer and pulled out
the little ring box. <Nothing is going to stop me today.>

Just then, the prose revealed Shinji and his mother were naked the whole time! Oh, the whimsical merriment of it all!

-E- -V- -A-

"We're sorry, but due to mechanical problems, the ten O'clock train
to Osaka-2 has been canceled."

"Fuck!!" Shinji screamed, oblivious to the other waiting passengers
on the platform.

Boo-hoo, Shinji. It could be worse, you know. You could be one of the 54 teenage schoolgirls who are now a mass of bloody pulp underneath the ten o'clock train to Osaka-2 you insensitive fuckbag!

"Shinji, watch your language." Yui put a comforting hand on
Shinji's shoulder. "There's always tomorrow."

"I can't wait any longer! You can't possibly know how it feels to
be separated from her."

Yui smiled. "Yes, I can.

Yui: Personally, I find every moment away from Rei is like a small eternity of indescribable bliss.

When your father is away at one his seminars..."

Shinji scoffed. "Learning the best way to unstick vending machine
nozzles is hardly a seminar!"

Especially since "unstick vending machine nozzles" doesn't make any sense at all. Google was so bewildered by the absurdity of that phrase that it took me to a joke question someone posted on Yahoo! Answers five years ago.

Yui ignored her son's interruption. "I miss him terribly when we're
apart."

"It's not the same, I LOVE Rei!"

Yui smirked. "Despite his shortcomings, I do love your father."

"Shortcomings... right."

Yui sighed.

Jim Lazar may be terrifyingly inept when it comes to writing fiction, but he's got his shit together when it comes to building a persuasive pro-choice argument.

"Shinji, your father is a good man. He has his flaws-" She exhaled
deeply. "-many, many flaws. I can't even count them anymore. I tried
once and got a headache. I mean, how does one man have so many
flaws? It's..."

Shinji cleared his throat to stop his mother's ramblings.

As far as dysfunctional family banter goes, this is so forced and unfunny that I think it might have been lifted from a Married with Children fanfic that failed even harder than this one.

Yui looked a bit embarrassed. "Anyway, what I mean is that it's not
like he's some sort of evil megalomaniac bent on destroying the world."

"Sometimes I wonder..."

Jim Lazar must think subtly is something that happens when you put too much soap in the dishwasher.

Yui smiled slightly. "Just between you and me, he's not exactly a
rocket scientist. He can't even get our HD-DVD recorder to stop flashing
twelve o'clock, let alone figure out how to destroy the world." She
started laughing.

The ability for that joke to make sense died with the VCR era, unfortunately. It's sad to think that our grandkids will have missed out on a such marvelous comedy gem.

Despite himself, Shinji joined her.

Yui gave her son a long hug. "That's what I like to see, my happy
son."

"If you truly want me to be happy, you'll let me live with Rei."

Shinji can only feel joy when he's making the life of someone close to him utterly intolerable. This is part of his master plan to double that pleasure.

"Shinji..."

An announcement interrupted Yui. "Ladies and gentlemen, the train
arriving on platform two is being rerouted to return to Osaka-2 to
replace the southbound train that some moron ran off the tracks."

A second voice was heard over the loudspeakers. "It wasn't my
fault! A blonde girl in a sailor suit ran across the tracks!"

"Before you said it was a rabbit."

"Exactly!!"

Jesus, it's like Jim Lazar is committing a hate crime against humor. Did he watch a stand-up comedian murder his parents when he was a child or something?

"Alright!" Shinji exclaimed and grabbed their bags. He rushed
towards the bullet train that was just pulling up to the platform. "Come
on, Mom."

Yui reluctantly followed her suddenly re-energized son. <He really
does love her.>

Evangelion fanfiction: Proving parents don't know shit since 1995.

As Shinji and Yui stepped onto the train, another mother and child
stepped off from the next car.

"It's about time. I thought you'd nag me to death before we got
here!" Rei snapped as she made her way to the exit.

I'm pretty sure I already saw this bit on an episode of I Love Lucy. And I recall them doing it better.

Ritsuko glared at her daughter. "That is no way to speak to me
after I just got you out of three years of prison!"

The lawmakers of Tokyo-3 take a very grim view of those who sell bootleg Evangelion DVDs with subtitles that call the characters names like Ree and Shungkin.

"Fine... I'll wait until later." Rei went silent, as if giving up
the fight.

Ritsuko smirked at her triumph. The smirk vanished when Rei started
speaking a moment later.

"Okay, it's later. You know damn well that you and grandmother did
it just to avoid the stigma of your unwed daughter having a baby in jail.

Oh my god, I cannot believe how awful these characters are. How do you take the cast of Neon Genesis Evangelion of all things and make them LESS likeable? How many runaway children did Jim Lazar have to sacrifice to Satan to make this story a reality!?

Just being in jail makes me 'just another bad kid' and you could probably
get sympathy from your stuck up friends, but being left in jail when I'm
pregnant would make you a bad mother in their eyes. Right?"

I think I would have titled this chapter "Teenagers Suck!" But that's just me.

"You could be a little more grateful."

"Yeah, right. You were going to leave me to rot in jail!"

Ritsuko sighed and decided she wasn't going to win this argument.

Rei smiled at finally getting her mother to shut up.

The smile vanished when Ritsuko started speaking again a moment later. Because when one character does something, then another character mirrors that action later on, that's good writing, right? They call that "theme" or something, I think...?

-E- -V- -A-

Later that day, a very tired Shinji and Yui stumbled into their
apartment.

Shinji threw down their bags.

Shinji: Whew. I don't mind tellin' you, Mom, I am officially antiqued OUT for today.

"I don't believe that we went all the way down to Osaka-2 and she
wasn't there!! How could she have gotten out of jail and not have
told me!"

Yui opened her mouth to speak, but someone else replied.

"Because I wanted to surprise you."

Shinji looked down the hallway and saw Rei standing at the end.

In her hand was a loaded Smith & Wesson Model 637 revolver.

"Rei!!" He closed the distance in a split second and pulled her into a
long kiss.

After the kiss went into its second minute, Yui cleared her throat.
When it entered its third minute, Yui pulled the two teenagers apart.
"Put your hormones in check. What are you doing here, Rei?"

Obviously, she got out of prison and her first thought was to find someone with hands slender and girlish enough to pull the cigarettes out of her colon. Why do you THINK she's there, you fucking dingbat!?

Rei was trying to catch her breath after the long kiss, but she was
still smiling. "Your husband let us in."

Shinji and Yui looked around.

Rei giggled. "He's hiding in the bathroom."

Yui rolled her eyes.

Rei: Seriously though, for a grown man, that bitch can't take a punch worth shit.

Rei turned toward Shinji. "I'm sorry, Shinji. If I had known you
were coming to visit, I'd have told you I was getting released today. I
wanted to surprise you."

"You did." Shinji started give her another kiss, but was
interrupted only seconds into it this time.

Ah, thank you. Reading about teenagers making out is so painful, I was one sentence away from suing this story for emotional distress.

"Get your lips off my daughter, you asshole!"

Shinji instinctively backpedaled away from Rei at hearing the angry
shout. "Oh... you're here, old woman." He did not sound thrilled to see
Ritsuko.

Which begs the question of why she didn't make an appearance before now. I guess she was busy taking a dump on Shinji's bed.

Ritsuko closed the distance to Shinji in a heartbeat. She pulled
his hair and yanked him away from her daughter. "Shut up, or I won't let
you marry my daughter."

Two jaws hit the floor and made a mighty thump. Those jaws belonged
to a mother and son.

Not Shinji and Yui, but a different mother and son who were off doing something completely unrelated to the aforementioned events.

-E- -V- -A-

Two mothers squared off across from each other in the living room
with their respective son or daughter.

For those of you who skipped ahead to this point, no, I don't have any idea what the hell is going on, either.

After being dragged out of the bathroom, the father of both children sat
as far away from the two mothers as he could manage.

Hang on, hang on, I need to draw a diagram of who's where to help me visualize all this...

"I'm sorry, but Shinji is already engaged to marry Asuka," Yui
stated.

Rei frowned and looked at Shinji. "I know you didn't expect me to
get out this soon, but did you really forget about me that fast?"

Jeez, girl, give him half a second to explain. The characters in this story jump to conclusions faster than a conspiracy theorist coming home early to find his wife sucking off an FBI agent.

"It's not my idea, Rei! Our parents set it up years ago and just
told me last week!" Shinji blurted, wanting to take Rei in his arms to
reassure her. Only Ritsuko's repeated threats to cause him great bodily
harm kept Shinji from doing so now.

The only way any of the characters in this story know how to interact is by either having sex or beating the shit out of each other.

Rei's face fell and she seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Oh...
so you can't marry me then?"

"You bet I can!! Asuka can go take a flying leap off Tokyo Tower!"

Shinji: And while she's at it, she can jump into Mount Fuji! And get hit by a car outside of Osaka Castle! And other arbitrary Japanese tourist attraction references!

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji came out of his trance after Asuka bashed him over the head
with a mallet. "Hey!!"

"Jerk!!" Asuka swung the mallet at Shinji's head again.

Before the mallet could connect, Shinji was crushed beneath the weight of a grand piano that seemed to have fallen from the rafters, followed by a large safe, then an anvil. "Meep, meep!" said Asuka a moment before speeding out of frame, leaving behind a cloud of dust in the shape of her figure.

"Stop that," Rei said casually as she grabbed the mallet in
mid-swing.

Asuka looked in amazement at how Rei had managed to stop her swing
so easily. "He deserves it after so casually ditching me!"

Shinji rubbed his head. "He never accepted that engagement before,
so why is it so surprising now?"

He's not acting like a weak-willed pussy for one thing...

"I just don't like how you're treating me."

Shinji sighed. "I'm sorry, but that world has gotten out of my
control, so it's no use blaming me."

Only Shinji could suffer from a god complex and an intense aversion to accepting responsibility at the same time. Kid is like a Rubik's Cube for psychiatrists.

Asuka crossed her arms. "Things seems to be looking up for that
Shinji, if you ask me."

"Just wait till he finds out Rei is pregnant... he'll lose it."

"Want to bet?"

"Sure."

Whoever loses has to make a cameo in Lazar's next fanfiction project: a 74-chapter-long Code Geass fic that takes place entirely during the trippy two-minute sequence where Lelouch gets his power in the first episode.

"Okay, if he freaks out, then you can have sex with me. If he
doesn't, then I can have sex with you."

"No!! She's trying to trick you!" Rei blurted.

Writing this idiotic doesn't even deserve the five seconds it would take me to upload a facepalm macro.

"Really? Are you sure?" Shinji smirked knowingly and then looked at
Asuka. "Forget it then, Asuka. I don't want to fuck you."

Asuka huffed and folded her hands over her naked bosom.

DID YOU GUYS FORGET ASUKA IS NAKED? BECAUSE SHE IS.

NAKED, I MEAN.

ASUKA IS NAKED.

THAT'S HAWT.

Editor’s note: All twenty-six episodes of Evangelion summarized at the same time.

-E- -V- -A-

Rei smiled. "Thank you, Shinji. I'll do whatever I can do to be a
wonderful wife for you."

Yui cleared her throat and looked at Ritsuko. "Excuse me, but since
Shinji is already engaged, I'll have to have a reason for your sudden
change of heart before I even consider this as being a serious offer."

You can't expect something a character does in Garden of EVA to make sense. That makes absolutely no sen— Oh, shit. Did Jim Lazar just prank me...?

Ritsuko glared at Shinji, not particularly pleased to have to make
this confession. "After Rei made her decision, I was reluctantly forced
to admit that Shinji should marry her. Despite being the son of that
bastard-" She glanced at Gendou. "-he does appear to love her.

Well, he has been very protective of her and made the effort to visit her as soon as she was incarcerated and everything. Oh, wait. I mean the opposite of that.

I guess a part of me wants her to be able to have a better life than I
did, so at least this way her child won't be born out of wedlock."

"Yeah, but..." Shinji went silent when Ritsuko's last words finally
sunk in. "Child?"

You know, Shinji, a child. That thing that you and your dumbass friends act like all the time.

Rei nodded. "I'm pregnant."

"That's my son!" Gendou proudly blurted.

Yui threw an end table at her husband. "That's the problem, you
idiot! He's too much like you!

Wait, so Yui and Gendou are also siblings? The pieces of the puzzle are beginning to fall into place...

Well... at least he wouldn't be stupid enough to get two girls pregnant
like you did."

Shinji gulped and thought about the fact that he had a one in three
chance of being the father of Misato's child. They wouldn't know for
sure until they could have some genetic tests done on the fetus and
Shinji was dreading the outcome of that test more every day. The news
that Rei was pregnant just added to his dread.

This is all headed toward the most fascinatingly disturbed episode of Maury ever aired.

Yui looked at her son. "Assuming you weren't lying about not
sleeping with Asuka."

"No! I never did!" Shinji snapped, earning a pleased smile from
Rei. "Except for that one time that she tricked me, and we didn't... you
know... finish."

Shinji: We both had orgasms, I mean, we just skipped the part where she silently walks out of the room without looking at me and I turn over to sob into my pillow for an hour.

Rei frowned.

Ritsuko spoke up. "Anyway, Rei has decided to keep the baby. Having
gone through the same decision myself, I am at least going to give her
the same support my mother did." She glared at Gendou. "Unfortunately,
the father of my child took off on me."

Shinji was amazed at the change in Rei's mother.

This was the first time Shinji has witnessed her direct her demonic vitriol at someone besides him.

Gone was the cold, hard bitch that had tried to maim, eviscerate, and
castrate him--which one depended on her mood and menstrual cycle.[b][color="red"]

Take that, women! In all fairness, though, it's not like you have to be on the rag to want to murder that kid.

[b][color="red"]Instead, Shinji saw a mother who saw herself in her child and was trying
to help Rei avoid making the same mistakes that she had. <Maybe she
always was and just went about it badly.>[b][color="red"]

I seriously cannot believe how boring this story is. If this is Jim Lazar's idea of entertainment, he must get heart palpitations from being over-stimulated every time he has to wait in line at the DMV.

[b][color="red"] Gendou was suddenly the recipient of three very angry female glares
that almost caused his manhood to fall off. He backed into the corner
and looked at Shinji for help. None was forthcoming. "But... but...
they're brother and sister!"

I'm glad there's at least one character who is disgusted by the fact that this plot is quickly approaching Jay Naylor levels of debauchery.

Ritsuko glared at Gendou. "You would know, wouldn't you, asshole?"

Gendou retreated further into the corner and decided not to mention
that little fact anymore, it just seemed to get him into more trouble
for some reason.

Bitches be all irrational like that.

Ritsuko looked back at Shinji and Yui. "I already thought about
that. As far as the law is concerned, their birth certificates don't
list any common parents. And they are both fifteen now, so with parental
consent a marriage shouldn't be a problem."

Shinji and Rei exchanged glances. Rei spoke first. "Why didn't we
ever think of that?"

Because that would have saved time and betrayed Lazar's goal of this story's printout wrapping around the world eleven times (once for every woman who has rejected him).

Shinji shrugged his shoulders. He smiled and looked at Ritsuko.
"Ms. Akagi, it would be my pleasure to marry your daughter, my sister,
and mother of my child."

"You haven't heard the conditions yet, sperm-boy."

Shinji frowned. "Huh?"

That insult doesn't make any sense to me, either. Is she implying he's only good for making sperm, or he's supposed to be a sperm himself, or...?

Rei looked down at the ground. "I'm sorry, Shinji, it was the only
way she would agree."

"What conditions?" Yui asked.

Ritsuko grinned, as if she was going to enjoy telling him.

If she takes her clothes off and pulls out a whip, that's all the proof I'll need to know that this whole story has been some bizarre wish-fulfillment fantasy for Lazar.

"One, you'll promise to NEVER call me mother, grandmother, old lady,
or anything other than Ms. Akagi."

Shinji agreed right away. "Deal."

"Second, I get to name the child."

Buttlik Yutz McFlooganhimer

Shinji was a little more hesitant on his agreement for this
condition, but decided it was a small price to pay. "Deal."

Yui and Gendou didn't seem to like that condition.

"Third, you get a vasectomy."

It actually makes perfect sense that Shinji would be one of those guys who loses his balls to the will of his mother-in-law. Didn't expect he'd ever make it far, even in fanfiction, but here we are.

"Deal..." Shinji's balls receded into his body when they realized
what he had just agreed to. His brain figured it out a second later
since it had a slightly lower I.Q. than his balls.

Thanks to a certain author's belief that acting stupid = comedy gold, Shinji's brain has a slightly lower I.Q. than his toenail fungus.

"What?!"

Ritsuko's expression didn't change. "You heard me. Being related,
you two can't have any more children and since I can't make sure that
you two don't have sex without cutting off that little cock of yours
that's the only way to ensure you don't have any more children."

I don't see why being brother and sister means they can't have more than one kid. People who live in Alabama have litters all the time.

"It's not little!!" Rei blurted and then blushed.

Shinji echoed the blush. "Well... if that's what it takes... okay."

Yui put her hand on Shinji's hand. "Shinji, are you sure? You're so
young and what about Asuka?"

The story has literally come to center on the condition and availability of Shinji's genitals. This has to be Lazar's wish-fulfillment. Either that, or he's got even more problems than we all originally thought.

Shinji nodded. "I'm sure. I love Rei, Mom. Asuka is a friend, but I
don't love her and never will."

"But... the agreement between her parents and..."

"I never agreed to it and I can't honor it. I'm sorry."

Now he's back to being pragmatic and decisive. The great thing about hating Shinji is that it's like getting to hate a whole bunch of different characters all at once.

Yui nodded. "Okay, it's your decision. You have to tell her
yourself and deal with the consequences. That's what a man has to do."

Or, in this case, a hormone-drunk teenager whose dick has a worse sense of direction than the navigator of the Titanic.

"I understand."

Ritsuko looked at everyone assembled. "So, is it agreed?"

Shinji nodded.

Rei nodded enthusiastically.

Gendou wouldn't dare disagree.

All eyes turned towards Yui.

Yui: Hm. Oh, what? Sorry, I zoned out there for a bit.

"Please, Mom?"

"I'll try and make sure you son is always happy, Mrs. Ikari."

"Honey?"

"Come on, come on... I don't have all day."

Since it wasn't specified, I'm going to imagine those lines being spoken by Ritsuko, Gendou, Shinji, and Rei. In that exact order.

Yui looked at her son. "Shinji, I have been amazed at the maturity
you have... sometimes exhibited during these events."

Shinji seemed to take exception to the 'sometimes', but didn't dare
comment on it under the circumstances.

Look, Shinji, I read the chapters leading up to this one. At this point, your mom is paying you an awfully big compliment by not having a nervous breakdown and holding a pillow over your head while you sleep.

"So... I will give my permission..."

Shinji jumped over to Rei and gave her a long kiss.

Or started to.

"Wait... I have some conditions of my own."

Oh COME OOOOONNN!!! WHY ISN'T THIS SCENE OVER!?!

Shinji reluctantly broke the kiss and looked at his mother. "What?"

"One, you'll clear up your relationship with Asuka once and for
all."

"Deal. There really isn't any relationship anyway."

OH MY GOD NOBODY CARES!!!

"That's not what Asuka thinks. Until she accepts it and nullifies
the engagement herself, I will not give my blessing."

"Okay... she's a bit headstrong, but I'll get her to give up her
fantasy."

Fuck! I should have just dedicated my life to perfecting time travel so I could go into the past and kill Hideaki Anno before he could work on Evangelion. Would have been quicker...

Yui nodded. "Second, You two live together here with your father
and me at least until you're eighteen."

Ritsuko stood up. "No, they'll live with my mother and me!!"

Based on the quality of the parenting displayed by these characters up to this point, you'd think they'd be arguing about where the kids don't live, if you catch my drift.

Yui stood up and returned the other mother's glare. "You had your
conditions, I have mine."

The two mothers faced off until one blinked. "Fine, but they don't
get married until her third trimester. I don't want him married to her
if she miscarries."

I really hope this doesn't foreshadow a scene involving Asuka chasing Rei around with a wire coat hanger to the tune of Yakety Sax.

Rei frowned. "Thanks for the positive outlook, Mom."

"I just don't want to see you stuck in a loveless marriage."

"It won't be loveless!!" Rei and Shinji chorused at the same time.
They smiled at each other and stole a quick kiss.

"Break it up!" Ritsuko snapped.

Ritsuko: Whoa there, sports fans. I know you two already humped and everything, but it's gettin' a little PG in here, doncha think.

Rei and Shinji's lips parted, but they continued to hold hands and
stayed close together.

"And my third and last condition..."

Everyone leaned forward to hear Yui's last condition.

You could cut the tension with a knife! Speaking of which, I wonder how long it would take me to bleed out if I slashed my wrists right now...

"That you both live happily ever after."

Rei had been expecting something different, so just started blankly
at her future mother-in-law.

Rei: That is the GAYEST shit I've ever... Uh, I mean, okay. Thanks.

Shinji smiled. He stood up and gave his mother a kiss on her cheek.
"We will." He turned to Rei's side and looked into her eyes. "I will
make you happy."

Rei smiled. "You already have." She leaned over and gave him long
kiss that was uninterrupted, despite Ritsuko's grinding teeth.

She agreed to them getting married, sure, but she didn't think they'd be doing all that kissing and junk. Rei and affection don't exactly hang out too often.

Shinji dug into his pocket and pulled out a small box. "Will you
marry me, Rei?" He opened the box to reveal the ring inside.

Rei gasped and looked at the ring. The diamond was very, very
small, but to her, it was huge.

Just like something else Shinji once presented to her. Am I right, folks!? Ha HA!

The magnifying glass Shinji was holding in front of it might have
helped too. "How... how could you have known?"

Shinji smiled and lifted the ring out. "I didn't. I was going to
give it to you when I visited you. It wouldn't have been a real
engagement ring then, but it is now.

Before, it was going to be something of a "good luck with having some butch prison queen beat you and sit on your face in the showers" ring.

Will you marry me, Rei?"

Rei scrunched up her face, as if thinking about it. "Well, I don't
know...."

From first date to marriage proposal, the running theme throughout Shinji's love life has been girls awkwardly hesitating around him.

Shinji smiled slightly at what he assumed was Rei pulling his leg.
He hoped.

"Okay, I'll marry you." Rei smiled broadly as Shinji slipped the
ring on her finger.

-E- -V- -A-

"This sucks," Asuka said as she dropped to the theater floor in
front of Misato and sulked.

One of the characters said "sucks"—time to take another shot! And yes, I am totally making up the rules of this drinking game as I go along.

Misato looked down at Asuka. "Well, you're the one who always said
it wasn't real, so why are you upset?"

Are you not seeing this, Misato? The writing is just so damn engrossing, how can you not get pulled into it!?

"Because the little clone gets all the breaks."

"That's my daughter you're talking about."

"Oh yeah... Well, I meant the fake one. Ritsuko's daughter."

Misato seemed to consider this for a few seconds before speaking.

Even the characters in this story can't follow the insane, meandering plot that's been laid out for them. As a reader, my chances aren't looking good.

"Yeah, Ritsuko couldn't raise a daughter properly if her life depended
on it."

Asuka grinned when she successfully redirected Misato's anger.
"Yeah, you're doing so much better in raising your Rei."

Which Rei is that, again?

God, that sounds like an excerpt from an Abbott and Costello sketch being recited by a couple of Asian stereotypes...

"Thanks."

-E- -V- -A-

Hikari smiled as her lips parted from Kensuke's. "That was like...
nothing I've ever felt before."

Hikari: I never thought I'd get to do it with a hermaphrodite!

"Yeah..." Kensuke glanced around the park to make sure no one they
knew was around.

Hikari sighed contently and put her head on Kensuke's shoulder. "So
what are we going to tell Touji?"

"What?!" Kensuke screamed and sat up straight, causing Hikari to
slip from his shoulder. "We can't tell him anything! He'll kill me and
then you!"

More like he'll futilely pound on your chest until he falls down crying.

Hikari pulled slightly away from Kensuke. "But we can't keep doing
this. This is the third time we've been able to get together without
being caught, but I know it can't last. I can't look him in the eye
anymore when he..."

"But... but... he'll kill us!"

Or, at the very least, he'll send you a bunch of passive-aggressive text messages and angrily shout "I'm fine!" whenever someone asks him what's wrong.

"Well, what else can we do? I can't just go on pretending with him
forever. Every time he wants to have sex with me I either have to make
up a story or let him have his way with me."

You know, Lazar's version of Touji does NOT seem like he'd be terribly opposed to participating in a three-way... Just saying.

Kensuke looked over at Hikari, pushing his glasses back up his
nose. "Hikari... I want to keep seeing you, but I can't see any way to
let Touji know and still remain breathing."

Kensuke: That madman is not above tossing my asthma inhaler right out of a fourth story window, Hikari!

Hikari sighed and put her head back on Kensuke's shoulder. "I know,
but we have to do it. And Touji isn't a killer, so don't worry about
that."

-E- -V- -A-

"I'll kill you!!" Touji's fist impacted against the soft stomach
and made a sizable indention.

Then paused for the laughter of the studio audience to die down before continuing.

He used his other hand to wipe away the blood that had splashed across
his head. "That'll teach you!!" He twisted his arm and extracted it,
pulling an assortment of intestines and other assorted organs out of the
bloody cavity. He smiled and did a little happy dance until his head was
sliced off.

"Damn!!" Touji shouted as his controls went dead.

Man, these Super Smash Bros. mods are getting dark.

Hikari glanced at the display as Touji's Eva was destroyed. <Idiot,
you've got to keep your eyes on the other players.> She glanced around
and noticed that Asuka had a pair of Angels cornered and was slowly
dissecting them.

Slow and methodical—yep, that's Asuka's trademark style of combat, alright.

Hikari smiled and then took a running jump and landed by Kensuke's
side. "Need some help?"

"No, I'm fine." Kensuke slashed the Unit Seven in half and then
turned to face a little blob that was rolling towards him.

Hikari keyed her private channel. "Are you sure?" She keyed her
armor release.

Hey, that bitch is making dupes! HAX!

I don't even care that that wasn't funny. This is the most boring fight scene I've ever read and the caffeine is starting to wear off.

"Hikari!!" Kensuke screamed when he saw the naked female body under
her armor. He found himself unable to resist checking out the sensuous
curves. Had it been the featureless female bodies that the Evas normally
had without their armor he could have resisted, but since Hikari had
enabled the full sex cheat, the body was accurate down to the last pubic
hair. His mighty maple responded to the sight. He reached over and keyed
his armor release, the sex cheat, and full privacy mode cheat.

Great, now this has turned into the most boring sex scene I've ever read. There are a ton of half-assed cybersex jokes in there somewhere, but I don't even give a shit.

The later cheat caused the black blob to suddenly roll off in
another direction in search of a visible target. Asuka ended up being
crushed to death by it.

Hikari smiled as Kensuke's armor fell away and revealed the
twenty-foot long penis. <Whoever designed this game is one sick person.>

I didn't even know Doug Winger did mecha designs...

Elsewhere, Rei's grandmother sneezed.

Hahahaha it's funny because the old lady is a total perv.

I can't take any more of this bullshit right now. You folks enjoy the next section without me; I'm goin' on break.

-E- -V- -A-

Touji watched Asuka come out of the launch bay. "How'd you do?"

Asuka shrugged. "Not bad, but we really have to get Shinji to
practice with us."

"We're lucky that the organizers are going to let him play again. I
just wish we didn't have to use Misato and her boy-toy to play in the
final match. They are so bad."

Asuka pounded the wall, causing her breasts to bounce. "Don't
remind me. If it wasn't for the fact that we'd have to forfeit without
them, I'd never play with that asswipe."

"Why don't you like him?"

Asuka's blushed and started to turn away, but then stopped. "None
of your damn business!!" She shouted at Touji and backed him into a
corner. "He's a jerk, that's all!" She shook her fist in his face,
causing her breasts to bounce repeatedly.

<Wow, Asuka's really stacked. Hmm, maybe if I...> He titled his
head. "Too bad Rei is still in jail or we'd be a shoe in."

"We can win without the little tramp!!" Asuka harrumphed and
crossed her arms over her breasts, causing her cleavage to become more
pronounced.

"I'm not so sure..."

Asuka took a step towards Touji and punched his chest. "Dummkopf!
There is no way I'd ever play with Rei again! The two old fogies are
where I draw the line!" She repeated her punch to punctuate her point.

Right on cue, Touji slid down to the floor as if the punch really
hurt him and was greeted with a spectacular view of Asuka's panties
under her short skirt. <Wow, what a sight.> He looked around. <Where is
Hikari? I need to fuck her now.>

-E- -V- -A-

Okie dokie, I just chugged a pitcher full of absinthe and horse adrenaline. Let's rock this fic's face off!

Hikari moaned as Kensuke's Eva made sweet passionate love to her.
<Ah... even in here, he's great.> Every few seconds she would
subconsciously glance at the privacy indicators to make sure that they
couldn't be seen by anyone else. "Damn... how can you be this good,
Ken-chan!"

NOW she's suddenly all modest. Also, nice dirty talk there, Aunt Bee. I've heard better pillow talk from porn actresses who were a week away from retirement.

"You're the one who's good."

Hikari blushed a deep shade of red as she followed the movements of
their naked Evas on the displays. She tilted her head. "Oh my, Touji
never managed that."

If Garden of EVA is Jim Lazar's personal battle against comedy, this chapter is the part where he hits it with three roundhouse kicks in a row before uppercutting it off the stage and onto a bed of spikes.

-E- -V- -A-

"Are you in here, Shinji?" Asuka said as she poked her head into
his room.

Shinji quickly pulled the blanket over his body. "Asuka!! Um...
what are you doing here?"

You think that's going to stop her from trying to mount you, Shinji? If I were you, I'd start sleeping with a rape whistle and a combat knife under my pillow.

"I came to try and convince you to start training for the finals
with your friends and fiancee!!" Asuka struck a sexy pose for him, which
didn't exactly do anything to convince Shinji to concede to her wishes.

Shinji flinched. "I told you, I'm busy right now and can't do it!"
The corner of his mouth twitched.

"What's more important than winning the championships?"

Shinji scrunched his face up. "Um... lots of stuff."

Either Shinji is getting orally pleasured under that blanket, or he's been busy taste-testing every kind of energy drink in the entire world.

"Like what?"

Shinji gasped. "Ah... well... oh... I'm not feeling well. Ya,
that's it."

Asuka frowned. "You do look a little flushed." She sat down on the
bed and heard a soft 'ouch'. "Where does it hurt?"

For a sex-crazed nymphomaniac, Asuka sure is bad at recognizing when someone is getting a blowjob right in front of her.

"Err... just a stomach ache."

Asuka rubbed his stomach. "My poor baby. Let me make you feel
better." She leaned down to kiss Shinji, but he turned his head away.
"Now what's the matter?"

Shinji: Getting it from both ends reminds me of being in jail...

"I've told you many times; I don't love you, I'm not going to marry
you, and I love Rei!!" Shinji rolled his eyes and his eyelashes
fluttered.

"Well, the tramp is not here!!" The blanket covering Shinji
suddenly rose up and knocked Asuka off the bed. Asuka rubbed her sore
butt and glared at Shinji. "What did you do that for?"

Shinji smoothed out the blanket. "Err... charlie horse. Sorry."

She better have caught Shinji in the middle of having sex with Mr. Game & Watch, otherwise there's no conceivable way you wouldn't notice another body under the covers.

"Awww... my poor baby." Asuka sat down on the bed again and whipped
back the blanket to reveal his leg. "Let me rub that for you." She
started to rub the slender leg.

Wouldn't Rei's leg be turned the wrong way? Unless her head is under... Oh, ew!

EW!

"Ummmm... you don't have to do that!" Shinji's eyes crossed.

Asuka smiled and continued rubbing. "I can see you like it."

"No..." Shinji's voice rose a few octaves.

This is like one of those scenes in an old movie that keeps going on for so long after it should have ended that you begin to wonder if the director fell asleep in the middle of a take.

Asuka smirked as she continued rubbing and massaging the leg. "Wow,
your leg is so smooth and slender. You don't shave your legs, do you?"

"No!! What kind of question is that?! I... I... just don't have
hairy legs, okay?"

He's an anime character, Asuka. Body hair among anime characters is reserved for old guys and crossdressers.

Asuka shrugged. "Why don't you want to practice with us?!" Asuka
ran her hand up Shinji's leg.

"I've got a lot on my mind right now."

Asuka could have sworn that smoke started pouring out of Shinji's
ears. "Well, tell me."

"Can't this wait?"

"No!! Tell me!"

God Almighty. I've been in drunken bar fights that were neither this clumsy nor this agonizing.

Shinji stiffened. "Um... fine. Asuka, I can't marry you!! I'm going
to marry Rei!!"

"Yeah... yeah... tell me that in three years after she gets out of
the slammer!"

Shinji: I'll slammer right now! I mean— D'oh! *gets hit in the face with a banana cream pie*

"I'm telling you now!! I will marry Rei because I love her and
she's carrying my child!!" Shinji shuddered.

Asuka's face went blank and she stopped rubbing. "What?"

"You heard me, she's pregnant with my child and our parents have
blessed our marriage!!"

Asuka's face scrunched up. "You're lying!!"

This whole scene has been nothing but exclamation points and descriptions of people's faces doing weird things.

Shinji sat up on his elbows and looked Asuka straight in her eyes.
"No, I'm not. I'm sorry, Asuka, but no matter what you say or do, I'm
not going to marry you. Ask my mom if you want to, she'll confirm it."

Boy, is her face going to be red when Yui tells her that Tokyo-3 has yet to legalize same-sex marriage.

He waited for the outburst he expected to follow. <I'll wonder if she'll
just punch me or throw things at me? Maybe both.>

Asuka suddenly burst into tears. "You bastard!! Why can't you love
me?"

Shinji was momentarily surprised at Asuka's reaction. He saw a
different part of her at that moment.

What part of her hasn't he already seen by this point? That kid could tell stories that would make Asuka's gynecologist do a spit-take.

A part that was hurt deeply by his actions. He felt his heart go out to
the redhead, but knew that there was no turning back now. "I'm sorry."

"Sorry doesn't help me!" Asuka wiped her eyes. "I gave you my love
and you spat it back in my face!"

"I'm sorry."

I know this is supposed to be all dramatic and heart wrenching, but I can't stop thinking about how much I just want all of these characters to spontaneously explode and die forever.

Asuka spun around and took a step towards the door. She paused and
turned back around and pounded Shinji hard in his stomach. "You
bastard!!" Satisfied, she stormed out of the room.

<Now that's the Asuka I know...>

The one that's like a bunch of demon-possessed spider monkeys stuffed into a girl costume.

he cringed when he heard the sounds of something breaking as Asuka
stormed down the hall. "I'm sorry, Asuka." More crashing sounds
followed. "I'm sorry." He paused to make sure she wasn't coming back
and then flipped down his blanket. "Are y..." He paused as something
very large was heard crashing to the floor.

How damn big is Shinji's house, anyway?

"Are you okay?"

Rei rubbed her stomach. "Yeah... it was a small price to pay."

How could she possibly have that doesn't even can't work mind is so impossibly fucked right now somebody help

She slid up Shinji's body and gave him a long kiss.

Shinji brushed Rei's hair out of her eyes. "You could have stopped
when she came in."

Rei smiled. "It was like being a baby in a candy store, I couldn't
resist your sweet taste." She winked and started to rub the part of
Shinji she had just been attending to.

Shinji: Yeah, that's probably because of the yeast infection. Speaking of, you might want to use some Listerine or something.

Shinji blushed. "Thanks..."

"I've got to admit though, Asuka does have a sensual touch." She
wiggled her leg that Asuka had massaged.

"Really? Maybe I should marry her then?" Shinji smiled devilishly.

Rei rolled on top of Shinji and pressed her naked body against his.
"Oh no, you're all mine."

Shinji smiled and wrapped his arms around his fiancee. "I love
you."

D'awww. This is so sweet it's like every character from Candy Land just gang raped me in the middle of a sugar refinery.

-E- -V- -A-

"Why?!" Asuka bellowed.

Yui lowered her head, unable to look the young girl in the eye.

Yui cheated on Asuka, too? Boy, that poor girl just can't catch a break.

"I'm sorry, Asuka. I can't force my son to marry you when he's so
against it. And I would prefer it if my grandchild wasn't born out of
wedlock."

"But the agreement between..."

Yui interrupted. "I already talked to your parents, Asuka. They
didn't like it, but they understood. Shinji is free to marry whoever he
chooses."

Asuka: But my family gave you three pigs and a goat for Shinji! A GOAT, you whore!

Asuka grinned and opened her mouth to speak.

Yui shook her head. "And if I know my son, that means Rei. I'm
sorry."

"She's his sister!! If I can't have him I'll make sure that the
government finds out they are related and that'll end their marriage
plans faster than a monkey can get a flea out of his ass!"

What a weird simile. Or, should I say, that simile made less sense than a gopher having rough sex with a block of Swiss cheese.

Yui sighed. "Asuka, why are you so determined to marry my son?"

"Cause I love the jackass!!"

"Why?"

Because he's an obvious self-insertion by the author who's somehow irresistible to women despite having a laundry list of glaring faults. Duh.

"Well, because... because... I'm not letting that bitch take him
from me!"

"Asuka..."

"He's mine and always has been! The agreement..."

God, Asuka, give it a rest already. I haven't heard someone gripe this much about getting screwed out of something that was promised to them since I went to buy fireworks on that Indian reservation.

Yui took Asuka's trembling hands in her hands. "Asuka, you never
knew about the agreement until a week ago. You're only using it now
because you're trying desperately to hang onto something that you know
you've lost."

Slap her! C'mon, you bitch! SLAP HER!

Tears streamed down Asuka's face. "No.. no... Shinji loves me and
not that tramp!"

Yui sighed and pulled Asuka into a tight embrace. "I'm sorry,
Asuka, that's just not true and you know it. It took me a while to see
it and accept it. Maybe it's time you do too."

What the hell man, it's been at least two dozen lines since we've had a penis joke or a strained anime gag. My mind is having trouble processing this.

Asuka clenched her eyes shut tightly and felt her tears drip onto
Yui's back. "Yes..." she whispered softly.

"Let it out, Asuka dear. Let it out." Yui clenched her eyes
tightly. <I hope we're doing the right thing.>

Heavy stuff, man. Good thing I'm not the least bit emotionally invested in these characters, otherwise this would be tugging my heart all over the place.

-E- -V- -A-

Excerpt from 'The American Century Dictionary' - 1999 edition:
fatherhood n. Act of being a child's male parent.

These interludes beg the question: Do you really NEED filler in a story that's already longer than the most ambitious line of coke Charlie Sheen has ever snorted?

Excerpt from 'Shinji's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 2nd
edition:
fatherhood n. No matter what girl he's gotten pregnant, that Shinji
will do a better job than my father did. Probably. I hope.

Excerpt from 'TV Guide's Guide to TV' - 3rd edition:
Fatherhood n. An American animated sitcom inspired by the book of the same name by Bill Cosby. It aired on Nickelodeon's 'Nick at Night' block for two seasons from 2004 through 2005. It wasn't that great, but still managed to be considerably more entertaining than the thematically similar series The Proud Family.

Excerpt from 'Asuka's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - 1st
edition:
fatherhood n. Act of Shinji's life getting screwed up since he couldn't
keep his dick out of all the wrong pussies (i.e. not mine).

I feel like this is yet another missed opportunity to expand Asuka's character into something deeper than "obsessive teenage whore".

Excerpt from 'Rei's Guide to the Post-Third Impact World' - written by
her kind and caring (if a little overprotective) mother:
fatherhood n. Well, Rei, your father was very tall. And he glowed. And
he incinerated Antarctica and caused worldwide global devastation. Well,
some of the blame goes to Mr. Ikari and Seele for that. So I guess your
father wasn't all that bad after all. Could be worse, at least I didn't
have to sleep with him. I can only imagine how painful that would be. I
mean, I saw pictures of IT and it was huge!

Haha, yeah, dick jokes are the best.

Hey guys, guys, check this out: B=====D~

Pfffftahahahaha!! Ahh man, that's going in the highlight reel for sure.

-E- -V- -A-

"So, we'll be getting married in a few months and Rei *WILL* be
playing in the championships with us," Shinji informed Hikari, Kensuke,
and Touji in the school yard a couple days later. He looked between
Hikari, Kensuke, and Touji to see how they were taking the news.

Kensuke: Oh, we're still doing that? I didn't think that particular subplot was really going anywhere, but okay...

He squeezed Rei's hand to reassure her and received a contented smile
from her in return.

Kensuke was impassive at hearing the news, since he had his own
relationship problems to deal with.

Empathy is an emotion reserved for characters Jim Lazar didn't throw into random scenes as an afterthought.

Touji smirked. "Whatever. You are such a stud, Shinji. Having
Big-Red and Rei here drooling all over you." He glanced at a female
student who walked by just then. <Dang, Mariko isn't wearing panties or
a bra again today.>

Of all the mysteries that surround this bizarre tale, the true nature of Touji's sexuality is the one that will haunt me the most.

Shinji blushed. "Err.. yeah."

"And knocking your own sister up... damn, what a mess. You have to
use condoms, man!" Touji reached into a pocket and tossed a large
super-economy package of condoms at Shinji.

The fact that a "large super-economy package" would fit neatly in his pocket doesn't say a whole lot of flattering things about Touji.

Shinji looked at the package and frowned. "Err... well, she's
already pregnant."

A light bulb lit up in Touji's head. It flickered a bit before
settling into its normal forty-watt capacity.

Seriously, I think Jim Lazar might actually hate the way these characters are written even more than I do.

"Oh... right. Well give them back then, I'll be needing them later."
When he leaned forward to retrieve the box, he didn't notice the arrow
that whizzed through the air where his head had just been.

Even the Avengers want these little shits dead. Get your head in the game, Hawkeye!

Kensuke noticed Hikari shudder at the mention of Touji needing the
condoms. He shuddered like that every time he thought about what Touji
and Hikari did whenever they snuck off together. <I'll have to ask
Shinji what he did to get the nerve to finally break it off with Asuka.
Maybe I can use the same technique with Touji.> So preoccupied with his
thoughts, he missed seeing the arrow strike between his legs and bury
itself in the ground.

Haha, wow. These kids are so unobservant that hiring one of them as a babysitter is a worse form of child endangerment than letting your kids play inside a chainsaw factory.

Hikari was gnashing her teeth together trying not to kill Shinji
for ditching her best friend. Only a short time previously, she might
have condemned Shinji for jilting Asuka, but she found herself in a
similar situation. "Shinji... how is Asuka taking this? I haven't talked
to her for several days and she won't take my calls or come to the
door."

Shinji: She's doin' okay. Said something about avoiding this clingy closet lesbian bitch who was always— Oh! Oooohh. Um... Huh.

Shinji sighed. "I really don't know for sure, but I know she's not
happy about it. I haven't seen her since I told her."

"How did you tell her?" Kensuke asked, trying not to sound like he
was doing research.

Hikari glanced at Kensuke, knowing exactly why he had asked that
question.

If you gathered up all the insecurity collectively exuded by these kids, you'd have an extract potent enough to make every person at a motivational speaking convention hang themselves.

Shinji glanced at Rei and blushed. "Err... well, I just told her
directly and honestly. I think she talked to my mother about it too."

The arrow shot over Hikari's head when she looked down at her hands
and whispered to herself. "Tell him directly and honestly, huh?"

I can totally picture Hikari complaining about the puzzles in a survival horror game being too simple and straightforward.

Shinji looked at Hikari oddly. "Did you say something?"

Hikari blushed and waved her hands in front of her. "No... no, just
mumbling."

Shinji suddenly got a bad feeling in his stomach as he looked
between Hikari and Kensuke, who both looked very nervous, and Touji, who
was happily counting his condoms.

Oh snap, Shinji just realized they're all the creations of a depressed lunatic!

<Hikari and Kensuke couldn't be...>

When the gang stood up and walked away, they failed to notice all
the arrows that were embedded in the trees and ground all around the
spot where they had been sitting.

Their contract with the dark forces of annoyingness ensure that even the Persian army can't take them down.

Across the schoolyard a tall boy smacked another boy holding an
empty bow. "Where the hell did you learn to shoot, you idiot?"

My mistake. This latest assassination attempt was obviously the work of the children of some low-ranking G.I. Joe villains.

The boy threw the bow down in disgust. "Hey! It's my first time,
okay? Hasamoto said to make it look like an accident and the archery
club is practicing right now... hence a stray arrow hitting one of them
wouldn't look suspicious."

Thanks for that stilted exposition, Character X! Doesn't help the premise make a whole lot more sense, but I do appreciate the thought.

The tall boy looked at the dozens of arrows embedded into the
ground where the gang had been sitting and started laughing. "You'd
better go take lessons then." He stopped laughing when the other boy
shoved the last arrow up his ass.

Oh, that's gotta hurt!

Jim Lazar would like to remind his readers to be safe and always use plenty of lube when engaging in anal play with friends, especially when sharp metal tips are involved.

-E- -V- -A-

A confession.

Jim Lazar would like his readers to know that he has personally inserted arrows into his rectum.

"Before we do this... I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"Misato is pregnant and..."

"And?"

"There's a chance I could be the father." The sudden silence
chilled him to the bones.

"It... It's about a one-in-seven chance, I think. No, wait. That's right, there were two midgets toward in the end there. A one-in-eight chance, I guess."

He waited nervously until she finally found her voice.

"How... when... why..."

"She was drunk and..."

She stopped him. "No need to go on.

Does that by itself really clear anything up, though? Misato is drunk like 22 hours a day on average.

It doesn't matter, but what will you do if it's yours?"

"Well, Misato and her boyfriend already have said they will raise
the child no matter what, but if it's mine I... want to be there for it
as it grows up."

"If I can't be 'Dad', then I want to be 'That Creepy Neighbor Who Likes to Pet My Hair While He Watches Me Sleep'."

"That doesn't mean some twisted three way marriage, does it?"

"No!!" He frowned. "At least I don't think it will. I don't love
Misato... I love you."

She blushed. "Call me crazy, but I feel the same way."

"I also love myself way more than Misato."

More silence.

"We have to tell Touji soon."

Even more silence.

What a spectacularly unnecessary scene this was.

-E- -V- -A-

Same confession, different players.

Y'all get ready for Another Mystifying Conversation [DJ Dude Can't Write Remix]!

"I have to tell you something."

"What?"

"Misato is pregnant and..."

"And?"

"There's a chance I could be the father." The sudden silence
chilled him to the bones. He waited nervously until she finally found
her voice.

Wait a second... Holy flaming shit, this is literally just the same exact scene from before! Goddamn it Lazar, you can't even break the world record for Most Miserably Tedious Fanfiction without resorting to cheating! You are a failure in every possible capacity!

"How... when... why..."

"She was drunk and I..."

She stopped him. "No need to go on, I get the picture. What are you
going to do if it's yours?"

"Accept the award someone will give me for having invincible warrior sperm, probably."

"Well, Mr. Kaji and Misato are going to get married and raise the
child. Since he withdrew from the mayoral race, he doesn't have to worry
about his public image anymore."

Now he can screw interns left and right and throw it right in her face.

"What is he going to do now?"

"Misato got him a job as a janitor at school."

Rei gasped. "I thought that guy cleaning the toilet this morning
looked familiar. So what about us? You don't want to have some sort of
four-way marriage with them, do you."

Man, this fic sure is scoring a lot of hits on polygamists here. What did all those exhausted men and self-loathing women ever do to you, huh Lazar?

Shinji studied the look on Rei's face for a few moments, unsure if
she was repulsed by the idea or intrigued by it. "No... but I want to be
around for it. My father took off on you and your mother... I won't do
the same."

When Shinji leaves, multiple families will be destroyed in the process.

Rei nodded. "I understand." She cocked her head to the side.
"That's one of the reasons I love you."

Because he accepts you despite that strange nervous twitch?

She took a deep breath. "Shinji, I have to tell you something."

"What?"

Rei looked down at her stomach and put a hand over it. "It's about
my pregnancy."

Shinji's face went pale and his stomach started to sink into his
gut as his worse fears seemed to be coming true. They'd been doing that
a lot lately.

I hope she didn't find out she's giving birth to the Antichrist. As far as Evangelion fanfics go, that particular plot device is about as original as the characters acting out Stained lyrics.

"No... You don't mean that it's not mine? But... but..."

Rei shook her head. "That's not it. Shinji, I was upset when you
never came to visit me and..."

"I'm sorry. First I had to get the money for the train and then...
some things delayed me."

For this edition, Lazar decided to cut out the scene where Shinji was held captive by Saruman.

Rei shook her head again. "That's okay, I understand now. What I
need to tell you is that..."

Shinji leaned forward.

*fffrrrt*

"I'm not really pregnant."

Shinji eyes went wide. His face showed a mixture of relief,
annoyance, and sadness.



"I'm sorry. I was hoping to tell you as soon as I got out of jail,
but it never seemed the right time." She paused and scolded herself
internally. "No... that's not entirely true. I was afraid of how you'd
react."

Shinji opened his mouth, but nothing came out.

I admit I had the same reaction when I first read this. To find out the central plot point this entire chapter revolved around was just an excuse for Lazar to increase the word count of this monster... If Shinji is anything like me, he'll follow up that gaping mouth thing by throwing an office chair across the room and screaming until he breaks down into a sobbing heap.

-E- -V- -A-

"What a little liar!" Asuka snapped, looking at Rei.

Rei shrugged. "She was desperate and in love."

"You're just saying that because her lie screwed me out of getting
Shinji!!"

Rei nodded. "Mostly."

Just to put all this in perspective, we're reading about an imaginary world inside of an imaginary world inside of a fictional loser's subconscious. This is so far removed from anything anywhere near reality that I couldn't care about what happens if I had ten grand riding on the outcome.

Asuka pulled back her fist and swung at Rei. She stopped herself
before striking Rei, who didn't even flinch. "Why aren't you scared?"

"I know you won't hurt me."

Asuka was tempted to hit her again. "How can you be so sure?"

Rei has achieved the same transcendent awareness as Keanu Reeves in The Matrix. I think the technique is called "forgetting to act".

Rei tilted her head. "I think a part of you has felt the same
feelings that led that Rei to lie."

Asuka ground her teeth. "No... she's just lying to get what she
wants."

For Asuka, that comes as naturally as the bitchiness.

"As you were when you said you loved him."

"Well, that Asuka does love him!"

"Maybe, maybe not. But I was referring to you lying about that here
in the theater."

Asuka started and looked at Rei. "I wasn't... err... I mean..."

Asuka: Wait, wait, back up. You lost me. How about I'm Asuka A, and that's Asuka B. Now, which Asuka did what again?

"So you do love him?"

Asuka crossed her arms over her breasts. "Maybe. But he seems to be
so hung up on his perfect world, that he's ignoring what's here for
him."

I think it's pretty obvious why you'd project yourself into an idyllic fantasy setting when your reality is a disappointing and painful existence as an emotionally stunted weenie.

Am I right, fanfiction authors?

"I didn't feel ignored when we went out on our date."

Asuka looked at Rei. "Huh?"

"We went out on a date to the other side of the theater." Rei
pointed at the far end of the theater that had the freshly painted
ceiling. "We painted the ceiling and then made out. It was a most...
stimulating evening."

How did Asuka not notice the hippy ceiling art until now, anyway?

Asuka's mouth twitched. The twitch flowed down her arm and into her
fist.

Shinji rubbed his head after Asuka punched him. "What'cha do that
for?!"

Because Jim Lazar's sense of humor hasn't really evolved since he was five.

"You took Rei on a date and yet you won't even have sex with me!!"

Shinji blinked a few times, trying to find the logic in Asuka's
statement. "Huh?"

"Err... I mean... why won't you date me?!"

After all, constant physical abuse is the spice that keeps a relationship fresh and exciting.

"You never asked."

"Huh?"

"Rei asked me to take her out, Rei asked me if I could love her,
Rei asked me..."

"Shut up!!"

"Asuka, I like you, but you never showed any interest in me that
way."

To be fair, she has repeatedly tried to drain your balls as if she thought they were filled with candy and season tickets to see her favorite sports team.

"I don't!"

"See? You always deny it and always hit me or twist my penis for no
reason. I'm sorry, but I'm going to see where my relationship with Rei
leads me."

Probably not very far now that their entire reality has been reduced to the interior of a small building.

Asuka fumed. "Jerk." She spun around and stormed off to the corner
of the theater. She took one look at the colorful ceiling and then spun
around and stormed off to a different corner. "Jerk!!" she repeated as
she passed Shinji and Rei.

Hit him and twist his penis, Asuka. I'm sure the new, inexplicably mature Shinji will appreciate the irony.

Shinji sighed and shook his head sadly. "Hey, Rei?"

"Yes?"

"Do you want to go make out?"

Rei smiled. "Yes, Shinji."

Before he goes to sleep each night, Jim Lazar concludes his day by rage-fucking an Asuka body pillow and punching it until he collapses from exhaustion. If it's a Tuesday, spruce that mental image up with some arrows sticking out of his ass.

-E- -V- -A-

"You're not pregnant?"

Rei shook her head. "No. It was the only way I could think of to
convince my mom to get me out of jail.

Duh, Shinji. She just told you that like one obnoxiously long and pointless alternate universe scene ago.

After I found out about your engagement to Asuka, I needed to get
out and find out what was going on."

"And then you used the baby to get her to agree to our marriage?"

A clever variation of the strategy known by many as the Kardashian Gambit.

"Actually... that was her idea. I never expected her to be as
supportive as she has been."

"I'm surprised she took your word about being pregnant."

Rei scowled. "She didn't. I had to bribe the prison nurse to fake
some positive test results before my mom would believe me."

Poor Rei had to do things to that prison nurse that would curl Shinji's chest hair. If he didn't have the body of a ten-year-old girl, I mean.

She looked sadly at Shinji. "Please don't hate me for not telling you
sooner."

Rei: ...Or for any of all the other reasons.

Shinji shook his head and wrapped his arms around Rei. "That's
okay. I'm sorry my parents' lame engagement plan caused you such pain."

Tears dripped from Rei's eyes. "You're just too good. I don't
deserve you."

"No, I don't deserve you." Shinji pulled Rei into a tight embrace
and gave her a long kiss.

This misshapen abomination of a story can't decide whether it wants to be a softcore porno, a canned vaudeville act, or a Lifetime Original Movie. So far, it's at least doing a fantastic job of mixing the worst aspects of all three.

Rei was smiling when the kiss ended. "Now what do we do?"

Shinji smiled and took Rei's hand. "Now we get to work."

"Huh?"

"The only way our parents will let us get married is if you're
pregnant, right?"

Rei nodded.

"So the sooner we get you pregnant the better, right?"

When life hands Shinji a Get Out of Jail Free Card, he takes that card and lights it on fire, then jams the charred remains up his urethra with a knife.

Rei smiled broadly and took his hand. The couple ran out of the
park they had been talking in, not hearing the tree that fell and
crushed the bench they had just been sitting on. Of course, if a tree
falls in the park and no one is there to be flattened by it, did it
really fall?

Of course it did, stupi—

Of course it did, stupid!

Okay, Jim? You've got your job to do, and I've got mine. Just keep writing your shitty fanfiction and I'll handle making fun of it. We don't need to team up on this. I'm not your "bro", alright?

"Shit!! We almost got them!!"

The tall boy shook his head sadly. "Let's go find one of the other
ones and see if you can actually hit something."

While this is dumb enough to make me grind my teeth so hard that sparks pour out of my mouth, I am grateful the tree they cut down wasn't a mighty oak...

"Yeah, okay. We'll use a whole building this time... I can't miss
with that."

The tall boy looked back at the tree and then down at the axe in
the other boy's hand. "I'm not so sure."

"Shut up!" He shoved the handle up the tall boy's ass.

Well, that must hurt too, but not as much as if he had used the
sharpened edge.

What is even going ON here? It's like the story became self-aware and is now attempting to commit suicide.

-E- -V- -A-

A few days later, Rei hobbled into the Eva center with Shinji. They
spotted Kensuke, Touji, and Hikari over in the Central Dogma staging
area.

Oh goody, all of our favorite characters together in one place again!

"Are you okay, Rei?" Kensuke asked when he noticed her hobble.

"Yeah, just a little tired." Rei glanced at Shinji briefly, causing
him to blush.

Poor girl was up until 3:30 AM trying to get Shinji to stop cutting himself after Asuka called him a d-bag on Skype.

"Damn, Shinji, you have to give her a break from sex every now and
then!" Touji shouted, ignoring the crowd around them.

Rei: Actually, I caught Shinji pleasuring himself to some erotic Sonic the Hedgehog fanart. That's when he got angry and kicked me in the leg.

Hikari snapped. "You're one to talk! You get horny at the drop of
an eyelash!!"

"Well, you're just so sexy."

Hikari ground her teeth.

"Will you kids shut up!!"

The five teenagers looked over to see Misato and Kaji walk up to
them.

Well, it's a far cry from the bastion of sanity for which I've been begging every deity I can think of, but I guess they'll do.

Misato glared at them all, giving Shinji and Kensuke an extra
powerful glare. "I don't know why I came to help you little brats out."

Kaji squeezed her shoulder and then whispered to her. "Yes you do.
Asuka threatened to report you and since Shinji or Kensuke could be the
father of your baby, we can't afford any attention from the authorities
right now."

Dealing with a comically bungling rookie policeman is the last thing they need right now. It would just make things TOO darn wacky.

Misato glared at Kaji. "I know that, you jerk!!"

Kaji looked suitably confused. "Then why did you... urk!"

Misato twisted her heel on top of Kaji's foot a few times to shut
him up.

Touji looked around. "Where's Asuka? It's almost check-in time..."

Hikari glanced at Shinji and Rei. "Um... I'm not sure she's
coming."

"I'm not, and you can blame that on Shinji!" Asuka exclaimed as she sauntered into view. Everyone laughed heartily and applauded as the young redhead put a finger to her cheek and stuck her tongue out.

That Asuka Sure Is One Horny Bitch! Coming this fall to NBC. Series premier after yet another disappointing episode of The Office!

"I hope she wasn't hurt when that hotel collapsed near her place.
Hikari and me almost checked into it, but... ouch!!" Touji shut up when
Hikari bashed his head.

Hikari looked at Rei. "I'm sure she's fine, it's just that she said
that she'd never play with..."

Rei looked sadly at the ground and completed the statement. "With
me. I'm sorry, guys, I never meant for my problems to become yours."

I would have thought that acting as human Asuka repellant would make everyone else ecstatic, championship or no. But Christ forbid one of these characters miss an opportunity to wallow in self-pity.

Shinji squeezed her shoulder to reassure her.

Touji laughed. "Rei, don't sweat it. You're a better player than
Asuka anyway."

"Arschloch!! Asuka yelled as she rushed over and kicked Touji in
the groin.

Holy shit! I thought you had to insult her three times in front of a mirror after midnight for that to happen.

"Asuka!!" everyone chorused as they recognized the redhead. Well,
Touji just groaned.

"Asuka, I'm glad you came," Shinji said.

"Save it. I'm here for my friends." Asuka looked at Hikari,
Kensuke, and Touji. Then she glared at Kaji and Misato. She completely
avoided looking at Rei.

"I'm here for my friends" might be the most sarcastic thing written on this entire page. And that's really saying something, since I tooootally wouldn't pee in the open mouth of the first person who told me they read Garden of EVA and liked it.

Hikari hugged Asuka and then looked at her team. "I was worried
about you, girlfriend."

"I wasn't going to let the asshole's bitch keep me out of the
championships that *I* deserve to be in."

Damn, Asuka. Gordon Ramsay doesn't act that caustic when he tells some rookie chef that their onion soup tastes like it came out of a hog's anus.

Hikari nodded. "Well, that makes a full team of eight then."

"Seven."

Hikari frowned and looked at Asuka. "Huh? Didn't you come to play
with us?"

Asuka nodded. "Yes, with my friends, the two old fogies, and the
asshole there."

Hikari sighed. <She's not going to acknowledge Rei's presence...
we'll never be able to work as a team.>

Experience and equipment are negligible—the REAL key to victory in EVA battles lies within the power of Friendship!

Kensuke slapped his hands together. "All right, Dark Eva Knights
are go!!"

"Okay, what's the strategy?" Touji asked, looking at his teammates.

Everyone looked at someone else for guidance and then finally at
Hikari, who always had a solution at times like this.

Hikari is basically a modern-day Sun Tzu (if Sun Tzu was a slutty teenage girl who was addicted to reckless violence and sucked at planning battles, I mean).

"Don't look at me," Hikari said, blushing. "I haven't had time to
do any planning."

Everyone looked at Kensuke.

Kensuke: Umm, everyone has a psychological breakdown that causes them to go berserk and slaughter everything in sight...?

Kensuke cowered under the attention. "Um... I've had something on
my mind. Sorry."

"Oh, this is fucking great!! We're screwed!" Touji yelled.

"No, we're not. We split into two teams and deal with them in
groups of two or three. No one goes it alone in there."

Everyone except Asuka looked at Rei as she started to describe the
battle plan.

Meanwhile, Asuka looked directly into the camera with a look on her face that said, "Fucking really, person who wrote this?"

"Before I detail the plan, there's something I have for you all..."

Free Rei Ayanami personalized dental dams with her portrait and contact info printed on each one.

-E- -V- -A-

"You idiots!!" Hasamoto kicked the tall boy. "You morons!" He
kicked the other boy. "You didn't even get one of them out of the
game!!"

They are seriously on some thin ice right now. One more ranked match loss and the manager of the local Game Trader is going to drop the funding for their clan.

The tall boy cowered back from Hasamoto. "We're sorry! They kept
avoiding our traps somehow. If we didn't have to make it look like an
accident, we could have taken them all out!!"

Hasamoto spat on both of the boys. "Idiots! We can't bask in the
glory of the win if it's a simple forfeit!!"

I'm confused. Didn't he want them to forfeit...? Ah, whatever. It's way too late to start trying to make sense out of any of this now.

He kicked the boys again and then looked at the small boy wearing
glasses by his side. "Makie, it's up to you to figure out some way to
defeat them."

Sweat dripped of Makie's forehead as he opened his binder and
started to examine the stats he had researched on the Dark Eva Knights.
"I'll see what I can do..."

Hasamoto kicked Makie hard. "No! Do or do not. There is no try!!"

Merciful mother actual fucker, a Star Wars reference. This fic has ascended to the absolute apex of unoriginality. I don't care if this shit was written in 1999; that reference was already unforgivably stale back then. It doesn't even make sense in this context since that Makie guy didn't say "try" to begin with!

"Okay..." Makie replied, trying to remember where he had heard that
threat before.

My ass, Jim Lazar can kiss.

"Keep in mind if you DO NOT find a way for us to win, your sister
will get a visit from me. Shame for her to lose her virginity when she's
barely got hair on her pussy, but then that's what happens to people who
disappoint me." He glared at the two boys he had been kicking earlier.
"They or their sisters get screwed. Personally, I'd enjoy tasting that
sweet little sister of yours, so don't let me down."

Surrounding your antagonist with an air of menace is one thing, but having them threaten to rape their lackey's underage sister is so comically over the top that I don't even think Christopher Walken could pull it off.

-E- -V- -A-

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the finals for the Neon Genesis
Evangelion Championships!!" a young girl dressed in a lab coat announced
from the raised pillar that towered above the Central Dogma staging
area.

The crowd applauded and cheered.

The young announcer waved her hands to quiet the crowd.

"Yes, yes, we're all elated that one of the many unending plot threads everyone has long stopped caring about is finally approaching some kind of resolution. Don't worry, though, because there's still plenty of boring, impenetrable crap between us and the end of this pain!"

"And now, may I present to you, Commander Akagi, the creator of
Neon Genesis Evangelion!" She stepped aside to reveal an older woman
sitting behind a large desk.

Holy shit, a medley of at least half a dozen different famous villains' theme songs just popped into my head all at once.

The audience applauded.

The woman's hands supported her chin and were positioned in a
triangle, the tips of her fingers touching the tip of her nose. A pair
of dark rectangular glasses helped her serious look appear very
sinister.

Well thanks, Jim. I never would have figured out she was supposed to look sinister if ya hadn't gone and spelled it out for my idiot ass.

"Thank you." 'Commander' Akagi rose from the desk and looked
down at the crowd. "It is my pleasure to present this year's finalists
who will compete to save us from the Angels and prevent Third Impact!"

I thought humanity's salvation was dependant on Shinji's junk, somehow. Oh well, I guess it theoretically still could be...

In the shadows, Shinji leaned over and spoke to Rei. "Rei, isn't
that your grandmother?"

Rei nodded. "Yeah... Sorry I never mentioned it, but when I boasted
about it down in Osaka-2 I got into a bad situation."

Shinji nodded his understanding and squeezed her shoulder.

If Shinji squeezes her damn shoulder one more time, her arm had better explode from all the built-up pressure.

"And on top of that, she's so embarrassing when she talks about
Eva. As you can see-" She gestured to her grandmother, who was going on
and on about how the Angels will destroy the world if left unchecked.
"-she takes the game and especially the championships very seriously."

Commander Akagi: ...And that's when I told him, "Don't fight the Angels to do 'difficult moves', fight the Angels to WIN!" That was a big day in that scrub's life.

"Your grandma created Eva? That is so cool!!" Kensuke gushed. "How
did she come up with the idea of using..."

Kensuke's question and the unasked questions of the others went
unanswered after they were bathed in a bright light.

As the prayers of countless internet-goers reached Him all at once, God decided to intervene and end this story before it could cause any more suffering for His children.

"I present to you the Dark Eva Knights!!" Commander Akagi
announced.

You'd think that name would seem less stupid after you'd read it enough times, but no. Stupidity that intense is immortal.

The crowd applauded and then went wild when they got a good look at
the gang. Jaws dropped, drool dripped from lips, trees rose to the
occasion, and bushes overflowed with the nectar of the gods.

I haven't heard this many forced comparisons between foliage and human genitals since I watched some drunk frat boy hit on a Poison Ivy cosplayer at a comic convention. Somehow, this is even sadder than that was.

The sight that inspired these reactions from the crowd was Rei and the
others all dressed in perfect replicas of the plug suits used in the advertising
for the Eva centers. Truth be told, the skintight outfits worn by the
models did not look anywhere as good as they did on the four female
members of the Dark Eva Knights.

For shit's sake, Grindhouse didn't wink at its audience this much.

Marriage proposals, catcalls, and shouts of appreciation were
directed at the female pilots from the boys and at least one girl in the
assembled crowd.

Shinji's perfect world includes exactly one lesbian and one girl who's bi-curious (but still too shy about it to make much of a scene).

Most of the girls were admiring the forms of the guys in their form
fitting plug suits. Touji loved the attention that the plug suit
directed to his bulge. Shinji and Kensuke were indifferent to their own
suits, but recognized how good Rei and Hikari looked in their suits,
which had the side effect of making their bulges more prominent. Kaji's
bulge was barely noticeable.

Hahahaha! ICE BURN! That's right, FUCK YOU Kaji! That'll teach you to be a character in a fanfic written by some guy who doesn't like you!

The gang all waved their hands at the crowd and smiled as they had
been instructed to before the night's events began.

Good thing somebody laid out a plan for them, otherwise they would have stood there groping themselves and looking confused.

Touji leaned over and whispered to Asuka. "They seem to like the
outfits."

Asuka grinned and struck another in a series of sexy poses. "Of
course they do! Who couldn't resist this body of mine in a skin tight
outfit like this?"

You kind of botched the expression there, Asuka...

"Shinji?" Touji regretted his answer the instant Asuka's fist
impacted his face.

Uh-oh. Guess whoever helped them choreograph that whole "smile and wave" routine neglected to mention that they shouldn't brutalize each other while everyone is looking directly at them.

Shinji smiled and looked at Rei. "They really love the outfits the
promoters gave us."

Rei chuckled and whispered back to him. "Actually, I arranged for
them myself. I figured that Asuka wouldn't wear hers if she thought it
was from me."

Rei: Not after that one time I lent her that swimsuit with itching powder in the crotch. Or that other time I gave her a sweater full of scorpions.

Shinji laughed and nodded. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"And now-" Commander Akagi announced. "The reigning champions, the
Rampaging Evas." She gestured to her other side and a spotlight
illuminated the gang's competition. The seven boys and one girl were all
dressed in black uniforms, making them look very sinister.

God fucking DAMN it, Lazar!

"No..." Rei shuddered and backed away. "No... that wasn't his
team's name."

Shinji looked worriedly at Rei. "What's wrong, Rei?"

"The guy in front... that's Hasamoto."

Shinji trembled involuntarily at hearing the name.

This guy's sinister levels are so sinister they're off the sinister charts! Sinisterly!

He looked back and met Hasamoto's cold stare. Shinji found himself
surprised by Hasamoto's appearance. To hear Rei talk about him, he
should have been a huge guy with pointy horns and fangs. Instead, he
was of average height, average build, and sported a short mop of hair.

And yet he's still trembling in fear because...? Oh, right. Colossal pussy.

Only the stern look on his face made him appear anything like Rei had
described him.

Hasamoto grinned. "Is your team ready to lose, Rei?"

Rei: I'll have you know our team is ready for anything! Wait, I mean... Um. You're a faggot!

Rei cringed and stepped further back.

"Leave her alone, Kaworu!" Even as Shinji said the name, he had no
idea why it seemed to fit Hasamoto.

-E- -V- -A-

The Shinji in the theater did though.

Shinji: Damn, whoever wrote this horseshit can't even come up with one original character without basing him off someone else's work.

"Kaworu," he gasped and collapsed to the floor. "No... no... he can't be
there. He's dead. He can't be there."

Rei dropped to Shinji's side and placed a hand on his shoulder to
reassure him. "It's okay, Shinji..."

"No it's not!!" Shinji snapped, standing upright.

Shinji is realizing that his entire life has been a lie. All those times he and his counterpart had put their hands on Rei's shoulder for reassurance... It did absolutely nothing.

"I never wanted to see him again! I want to forget the kind expression
on his face when I crushed his body! I want to forget the sound of his
head splashing into the water. I don't want him there or here to remind
me!!"

At least not outside of his kinkiest masturbation fantasies.

"Who's Kaworu?" Asuka asked.

Misato took Asuka's hand and pulled her away. "He was the Fifth
Child."

Not to be confused with Billy Preston, aka the Fifth Beatle.

Asuka frowned and whispered to Misato. "And Shinji killed him?"

"It's complic..."

Misato was interrupted by Shinji's shout. "Yes, I killed him! He
was an Angel and I killed him! It was him or me. Eva One or Eva Two. He
made a choice to die and I made my choice to live!"

Now this is the kind of rampant, melodramatic angstsplosions I expect from my Evangelion fanfiction. I don't know what was up with all that other crap before this, but I'm glad to see things are finally getting back on track.

"Too bad you couldn't have made a better choice for the rest of the
world." Asuka looked around the theater. "I guess your own life is more
important than everyone else. This Kaworu must not have meant much to
you if you killed him so callously."

You don't actually know what that word means, do you, Asuka.

In one quick movement, Shinji jumped over and grabbed Asuka by her
throat. "Don't you dare talk about him like that..."

Choke her! C'mon, you bitch! CHOKE HER!

When he realized what he was doing, he gasped and released her neck.
"I'm sorry..."

Asuka stared at Shinji for several heartbeats, unsure how to react
to his attack. A part of her wanted to beat the crap out of him and a
part of her wanted to run off and cry.

Yet another part of her was distracted as she struggled to remember the name of the actor who played the black guy on Sliders.

The former won. "What the hell do you think you were doing?!"

"Asuka..." Shinji's apology was cut off when Asuka slapped him hard
across his face. He dropped to his knees when she kicked him in his
groin. "Gah..." Shinji bent over and supported his weight on his hands.
"What have I become?" He looked at his hands, as if he couldn't believe
they were his.

Get it together, Shinji. This isn't even the first time you've been beaten up by a girl, nor will it be the last.

"I'm a murderer."

"Not if he was an Angel, you idiot!" Asuka wanted to kick him
again, but Misato had rushed up behind her and pulled her back out of
range. "Angels are bad, so we had to kill them!" Asuka insisted, trying
to get out of Misato's grip.

Asuka was coldly taunting him and calling him a killer not thirty seconds ago, now she's trying to drag him back from the brink of an existential meltdown? I guess Lazar will just kick continuity to the curb if it gets in the way of him loading his story up with as many dramatic clichés as possible.

"He wasn't! I mean... he was an Angel, but he was still good."
Shinji started clenching and unclenching his fists. "I know my father
and everyone said that the Angels were bad, but Kaworu was kind and said
he loved me.”

Asuka opened her mouth to say something, but Misato clamped her
hands over the girl's mouth before Asuka could make matters worse.
"Maybe that's why he's in your world," Misato suggested.

Shinji's perfect world was strangely low on homoeroticism, all things considered...

"Huh?"

"Hasamoto is a bad person, right?"

"Right."

That's literally all there is to his character, because he's easier to write that way.

"But you don't and have never thought of Kaworu as a bad person,
right?"

Shinji nodded.

"So your guilt over killing a 'good person' manifested itself in
your perfect world as Hasamoto. He looks like Kaworu and is clearly a
bad person, so you can justify killing him."

Very good, Misato. Now that you're in full-on Armchair Psychologist mode, why don't you explore this whole "he wants to knock up and marry his sister" thing.

"I don't want to kill anyone!"

Asuka broke free of Misato's restraining arms. "Then why didn't you
stop Third Impact, dummkopf?!"

Shinji looked at his hands, which were tightly balled into fists.
The veins on his arms and neck could be seen throbbing.

The only way Shinji can stop Third Impact now... is to HULK OUT!

"I... tried. I failed."

"Yes, you failed and destroyed our world," Asuka said, glaring at
Shinji. "YOU burned it all up."

You crazy, deranged, schizophrenic, personality-swapping, attention-starved whore. Why? Why are you the only character I remotely enjoy in this god-forsaken excuse for a story?

"No..." Shinji shook his head. "No..." Shinji clenched his fists.
"No..." Shinji slammed the floor hard. "No!!!!" Shinji pounded the floor
again and again until the floor shattered, along with the theater around
him.

Now that's what I call a show-stopper! Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

-E- -V- -A-

"Leave her alone, Kaworu!" Shinji shouted.

Hasamoto looked over and glared at Shinji. "How did you know my
real name asshole?"

His real name is Asshole?

Shinji looked around him in confusion. "Wha... where am I?"

Rei stepped over and looked at Shinji, concern evident on her face.
"Are you okay, Shinji?"

Shinji looked at her.

When he saw she was a nineteen-foot-tall clown juggling the heads of US presidents in front of a psychedelic backdrop, he knew the pills he swallowed earlier had finally set him free.

"Rei?" He then saw the others in their plug suits. "Huh? Where did you
guys... oh no..." He dropped to his knees. He looked at his own body and
saw he was wearing a plug suit. "Oh no..."

Touji came up to Shinji. "You okay, man?"

Touji: You want me to bust out some sophomoric sex jokes to lighten the mood?

Shinji looked awkwardly at Touji, unconsciously looking at his
friend's intact left arm and leg. "I don't think I'm in the theater any
more, Touji."

-E- -V- -A-

Shinji shuddered and collapsed to the theater floor.

At first, Shinji thought he'd somehow fallen into the mouth of the giant Rei head featured on the End of Evangelion cover. Then he realized it was, in fact, the floor that reeked of cheap popcorn butter and jizz.

He looked around and saw Rei, Asuka, and Misato standing over him
looking very confused. They were also very naked. "Ack!!" Shinji
backpedaled away. When he hit the wall, he stopped and breathed
heavily.

Shinji hasn't seen this many vaginas all at once since he stood in front of one of those multi-angle mirrors in a fitting room. BOOM, ROASTED.

Rei took a few cautious steps towards him. "What's wrong, Shinji?"
She leaned down over him, the nearness of her breasts causing him to
breathe even heavier.

"Why are you all naked?" Shinji looked down at his body. "Why am
*I* naked." He looked around the theater. "Where are we?!"

His terrified reaction to the unfathomable ridiculousness of all this hits unsettlingly close to home.

Asuka looked down at her naked body. "Yeah, why are we naked?"

Misato shrugged her shoulders. "Beats me. But is that important
right now?"

Asuka smirked. "Only if we want to cover our butts."

I can't decide which is more half-assed: that joke, or the attempt to gloss over the characters' unexplained nudity as if it somehow didn't count as a real plot hole. More like Jim Lazier.

Misato ignored Asuka and looked back at Shinji. "Are you alright,
Shinji?"

"It's a dream... Hasamoto knocked me out and I'm dreaming. That's
it."

Better check your totem, Shinji. If your dick is still smaller than your pinky, it means you're awake.

"Kaworu didn't knock you out, Shinji," Rei said. "He's dead,
remember?"

Shinji frowned at hearing the name. "I heard that name... no, I
spoke that name before I appeared here." He looked around again.
"Wherever here is."

Rei knelt down next to Shinji and cradled his head in her bosom to
comfort him.

The only way Rei knows how to comfort people is to shove her tits in their face. She's been thrown out of more funerals than a grave robber.

Shinji relished the feeling of her breasts before realizing what
must have happened. "Ah, I know! Hasamoto killed me and this is heaven."
He looked at the three naked girls. "And you three are Angels." He
looked at Asuka. "Well, at least two of you."

"What was that?" Asuka rolled up a pair of imaginary sleeves and
took a step towards Shinji, but Misato restrained her.

Looks like the switch has been flipped back to Lighthearted Wackiness Mode. This sort of reminds me of playing Ikaruga, except I don't remember having this throbbing pain in my stomach...

Rei looked at Shinji closely. "Who are you?"

Shinji's face fell. "Huh? I'm Shinji. Your fiancee and father of
your child?" He winked at the end.

I apologize to any females reading this for the nightmares the previous sentence will undoubtedly give them for the next several years.

Rei gasped and looked over at the viewpoint, which normally would
be frozen when Shinji was not in his trance. It wasn't. It showed the
Eva center and Shinji was wrestling with Hasamoto. "Oh no... Shinji's
crossed over to his perfect world."

Shinji: I'M INTERFACED!!

Asuka and Misato followed her gaze and gasped when they saw the
story boards that depicted Shinji's perfect world. Instead of their
normal paper appearance, they were now made out of stone. Set in stone
as it was.

The kind of symbolism you have to explain to your readers is the best kind!

Misato looked between the stone storyboards and the viewpoint.
"He's now a part of that world and can't come back to us."

Rei jumped to her feet and ran into the viewpoint, hoping she could
crossover.

I can definitely see how pretty much any other fictional setting would look better than this one. Hell, I wouldn't mind winding up in some unholy union of a kids' cartoon and an M-rated video game franchise if I were her.

She just ran though it and appeared on the other side of it. "No!! He was
supposed to take me with him!" She dropped to her knees and began to
sob.

Shinji looked sadly at Rei and started to walk over to her before
Asuka grabbed him.

Having tried everything else, Asuka has resorted to hardcore glomping.

"That means this is the other Shinji?" Asuka asked Misato.

Misato nodded.

"Wonderbar..." Asuka looked seductively at Shinji. "Hey Shinji, do
you want to kiss me?"

"No!!" Shinji pulled out of her grip and went over to Rei.

Asuka pouted. "Great, we finally get a new Shinji in here and he's
as hung up on the clone as the last one."

Shinji's probably thinking, 'Great, I finally get a new Asuka and she's as violent and cock-crazy as the last one.'

-E- -V- -A-

In the Eva center Hasamoto was punching the living daylights out of
Shinji. "Don't say that name!!"

Now we're back to this. Hope that abrupt tonal shift wasn't too jarring for ya! Walk it off guys.

"Kaworu, please..." Shinji head recoiled under the force of a
punch.

"I hate that stupid name!" Hasamoto said as he punched Shinji
again.

"I'm sorry I killed you." Bang. "Don't do this to me." Bang. "You
don't belong here..." Bang!


"What!? What do you stupid kids want?"

"Stop it, Hasamoto!! You're killing him!!" Rei pleaded and tried to
stop his swing, but was savagely hit across her face and sent tumbling
across the floor.

"Shut up, Rei!!" Hasamoto spat and went back to beating up Shinji.

You know a story has failed completely when it has you rooting for the villain so hard that you start compulsively drawing fanart of him without even realizing it. I sure hope this desk is ink-proof.

The girl on Hasamoto's team flinched at hearing the name. <So
that's Rei. Damn, I feel sorry for her.> She idly fingered a bruise on
her arm.

The rest of the two Eva teams were fighting as well. Touji had two
boys already out of the fight and was pounding on a third, Kensuke
wasn't having my luck with the boy he was fighting until Hikari bashed
him over the head with a chair, and Kaji was pounding on a boy who had
pinched Misato's ass during the confusion.

It's nothing but a giant, chaotic mess of hormones and repressed anger causing unfocused acts of violence. In other words, the most realistic representation of high school kids interacting depicted in this story so far.

Editor’s note: I think it’s an appropriate metaphor for Evangelion, myself.

Misato and Makie were the only two contestants not fighting and found
themselves under a table to avoid the flying bodies.

"I hate this game," Misato mumbled.

"Tell me about it. I never wanted to be part of that creep's team,"
Makie said.

"Why are you then?"

"He said he'd do some bad things to my little sister."

Makie: Something about sending her photo to some guy he met on DeviantART. Bleedy-guy, Bloodman, something like that.

"What an asshole."

"Yeah."

"Don't worry, I'll make sure that brat gets what he deserves."

"Thanks, for an old woman, you're not bad." Makie looked Misato
over. "And stacked too."

It shouldn't need to be mentioned, but Makie ended up talking as a
soprano for the following week.

It shouldn't need to be mentioned, but Jim Lazar is a creatively bankrupt hack whose idea of comedy is recycling the same stale gag over and over again.

Shinji was already bruised and battered when Hasamoto landed his
latest punch. "Prick! You think you're a big man just because you're
screwing the whore now?" He kicked Shinji in the stomach. "Rei is just a
cheap plaything. Like any other plaything, you should use it and then
discard it, asshole." He lifted his foot over Shinji's already bloodied
face. "Or don't you think she can be replaced?"

She ought to be, given there are like half a dozen clones and at least one alternate dimension version of her.

"She can't..." Shinji muttered. "I love her."

"Love?" Hasamoto guffawed. "Love is for fools." His foot descended
towards Shinji's face.

It never reached it. Hasamoto was hit over the back with a chair
and went crashing to the ground.

Oh my goodness! Ladies and gentlemen, Triple H has just entered the ring and knocked Hasamoto to the ground with a foreign object! The referee is absolutely furious, but no one seems to be paying any attention to him for some reason! What's this? Now Triple H has got Shinji in a double nelson and is repeatedly bashing his head into the canvas, even though he's supposed to be Shinji's tag partner! Truly, a shit is something this man does not give! Now Shinji is shrieking like a woman as

Whoops. We started drifting into my fanfiction for a second there...

The girl on Hasamoto's team dropped the legs of the broken chair
and exhaled. "So I'm just a replacement Rei to you, am I?" She kicked
him in his acorns and turned away. "People aren't playthings that you
can discard and replace on a whim, you jerk!" After taking a couple of
steps, she turned around to face him again. "And the name's Sawa, you
bastard!!"

I wonder if that was directed at Hasamoto or Lazar.

Hasamoto reached out for her, but she was too far away. "Come back
or I'll kill you!!"

"Oh no you won't!" Shinji yelled before kicking Hasamoto savagely
in his face. Hasamoto crashed to the ground with Shinji standing over
him, a little unsteady on his feet.

Folks, meet Chivalrous Shinji, the latest in the series of distinctly different Shinjis to appear in this story when it's convenient for the plot. Collect all nine!

"Stop this at once!!" Mrs. Akagi shouted from her pedestal. "Take
it out in the game!!"

Shinji wiped the blood off his lip and glared at Hasamoto with
hatred in his eyes. "This isn't a game. This is my life."

Games are supposed to have rules and a purpose, after all.

Hasamoto started to rise, but Shinji kicked him in his kneecap and
he crashed back to the floor. Shinji had a haunted and crazed look on
his face when he bent down and wrapped his hands around Hasamoto's neck.
"Die, Kaworu!!" He squeezed his hands.

Even as it approaches its emotional climax, this story is still so boring that it could put somebody to sleep if they were reading it on a laptop while being chased by bears through the world's most extreme water park during some "attractive naked people get free admission" promotion.

Various people cried out in shock and told him to stop, but Shinji
was in a world of his own and blocked out the people in the world of his
own making.

So Shinji is inside his own world, inside of the other Shinji's own world, who is in—

Ah, fuck it. God I hate this fic.

Rei saw what was happening. "Shinji, don't!!" She ran over and
grabbed Shinji's arm, trying to pull him off Hasamoto. "Shinji!! You're
not a killer!!"

Well, he's sort of a party killer. And a relationship killer, and a mood killer...

Rei's voice managed to get through Shinji's crazed mind. "Huh?" He
looked around and saw the concern on her face and then looked down at
his hands that were still wrapped around Hasamoto's neck. "What?"

Shinji: Aw jeez, did it happen again? I'm sorry, I kind of go a little crazy when I hear people insult Homestuck.

He released his hold on Hasamoto and let the unconscious boy fall to the
ground. Shinji was locked in his own inner turmoil and didn't even
notice that Hasamoto had started to breathe again. "No..." Shinji shook
his head. "No..." Shinji clenched his fists. "No..." Shinji slammed the
floor hard. "No!!!!" Shinji pounded the floor again and again until the
floor shattered, along with the Eva center around him.

-E- -V- -A-

That scene was so belligerently illogical and accomplished so little, I honestly think it might have been added just to taunt me.

Shinji was huddled in a corner of NERV headquarters with his hands
pressed against his ears, trying to block out the noise of the alarms,
the gunshots, and the explosions.

Attending a block party in San Jose after dark is always a hell of an experience.

The alarms had been going off since the invasion of NERV had begun,
the gunshots and explosions had started shortly after. Shinji kept
muttering "No... no... no..." over and over again.

Unseen by the huddled Shinji, a ghostly Shinji stood nearby and
looked down at himself.

Ghostly Shinji: Well shit, looks like my future self never discovers the true meaning of Christmas.

"What? Where am I now?" He looked around the corridor and
flinched backwards when several men stormed in and surrounded
the huddled Shinji.

Going to take us home with some flash mob bukkake, eh Lazar? That's fitting, I guess.

"Third Child confirmed. Eliminating," one of men reported to his
superior over his headset. Then the man held a gun to Shinji's head.

"No!!" The ghostly Shinji cried out, but was unheard over the
gunshots that rang out. Not that anyone could hear him anyway.

Anyone who might have been paying attention to what was going on got fed up and left somewhere around hour seventeen of this thing.


[End - Garden of EVA 1:8 - Fatherhood Sucks!]
[End - Book 1 - Sucks]

Seriously? That's it? Because I sort of feel like there might be a few loose ends that didn't get tied up...

[Coming soon: Book 2 - Blows]

[Coming soon: Book 3 - Inhales]
[Coming soon: Book 4 - Licks]
[Coming soon: Book 5 - Slurps]
[Coming soon: Book 6 - Belches]
[Coming soon: Book 7 - Snorts]
[Coming soon: Book 8 - Chokes]
[Coming soon: Book 9 - Gurgles]

=======================================================================
Author's notes/ramblings:


Arschloch is German for asshole, bastard.

Just when I was about to say this fic didn't teach me anything useful. Nice save, man.

Yeah, I know it's a nasty place to end the book on, but there is a very
good reason for it. You'll have to wait for "Garden of Eva 2:1 - Third
Impact Blows!" to find out what happens.

The problem with cliffhanger endings is that they really only work if you've managed to make your audience care about what happens next.

Incidentally, this ending (Shinji breaking out of the theater/his
perfect world and going back to Third Impact) was first going to be used
back in Book 0, but I realized I still had to get Shinji and Rei closer
and make Shinji's life really suck for the events that follow to work.

D'aww, look at you, all pretending like you actually put some thought into how you structured this chaotic disaster of a story. It's like watching a retarded infant trying to dress itself.

Everything blows in the next book.

Unfortunately, there will be a slight delay in the start of the next
book to give me time to finish the last chapters of Childhood of a
Modern Dynasty. By that I mean written out in draft form not actually
released as a final version. Once I have that much then I can start on
the drafts of 2:1 (although about a third of it's written already).

Damn, this guy is downright prolific when it comes to churning out poorly-written bullshit. He's like Bizarro Stephen King.

For those of you who might not have seen End of Evangelion, some of the
events in the next book might contain spoilers. Unfortunately, I am
forced to use several events from Third Impact as shown in the movie to
explain Garden of EVA's Third Impact (they are not exactly the same).

He needs to use Gainax's Third Impact to illustrate how his Third Impact is different from their Third Impact. Obviously.

I will endeavor to keep the spoilers to a minimum.


I'd like to thank my pre-readers Thomas Kinnen, Michael A. Chase, Axel
Terizaki, EBJ, and David Johnston for helping me find and fix problems
with this story.

My theory is that the five of them were all working together to pull off the greatest prank in the history of the internet. If I'm right, then congratulations on a job well done, fellas.

FFML members Toh Ee Loong, Ukyosama, and Mark Ferrer
were also helpful in fine tuning this story. Thank you all. Of course in
the end, any mistakes and botched characters are my fault.


Revision 0.0 - Initial draft began (November 4, 1999)

Revision 0.1 - Initial draft finished (November 22, 1999)

I'd just like to point out that it took me longer to write these sloppy, puerile comments than it took Jim Lazar to write the entire original chapter. I know that doesn't say a lot for me, but I'd like to think it says even less for Lazar.

Revision 0.2 - Pre-reader draft (December 5, 1999)

Revision 0.3 - FFML draft (December 15, 1999)

Revision 1.0 - Final version (January 1, 2000)

Revision 1.1 - First RAAC posting (January 8, 1999)

I can't believe this miserable excuse for a story was revised five times before it was published. That's like a doctor performing surgery on a patient five separate times and still winding up with someone who has two broken arms and an extra pair of feet where their lungs should be. Episode 26 of Evangelion might have been a creative train wreck, but at least I didn't have to repeatedly jab myself in the leg with a ballpoint pen to stay awake during it. Maybe this is just the blood loss making me cranky, but I hope Jim Lazar slips into a coma at some point, just to see if his friends and family members even notice. My god, the man couldn't write directions to his house without making it sound so tedious that you could trace the route by following the trail of totaled pizza delivery cars whose drivers fell asleep at the wheel.

In any case, I guess that concludes my contribution to this Festival of Suck. I hope it meets the standards of comedic excellence that have been on display throughout this group project. Al Cone, Dr. O, Two-One-Five, TigerEyes, TK17, Max-Vader, Yaoi Huntress Earth... Thank you all for allowing me to join you on this long, strange trip.