Human Emotions. Not to be found: Humans., Then an Eldritch Horror loves a Snarky A.I... Options

[Oogie-Boogie]

Greetings, Project A.F.T.E.R, a German here to give you his terrible first try at English riffing.
I understand the language rather good, but I have certain problems with writing and speaking it.
I hope I can improve myself in the future and I apologies beforehand for my bad English.

To many German MSTings suck these days and the good ones get lost under all the Riffs which concentrate on bad grammair and other pretty boring stuff.
A site like Project A.F.T.E.R. is exactly the right thing for me and after a long time simply reading, I will try to contribute.

The story is not horrible, disgusting or has any form of sex in it. It is more… weird.
As I searched for good riff material I found this. The pairing makes no sense, and the male part is in no way in character.
It is a crack-pairing, one character out of a videogame, the other comes from the world wide web.

Most of you will at least know one of them, and maybe the other.
Both a very prominent these days in their respective areas anyway.

With all this said, let’s get ready to riffing!


I dedicate my first Riff to Maniak.




Human Emotions
by
XXbatteri


Duracell or Exide?

Rated: K+ - English - Romance/Angst - GLaDOS -

This is an unusual combination.

I have NO idea what brought be to write GLaDOS/Slender Man. But here you go.

Uhm… What?! Okay, this is a crack-pairing the likes of which even God has never seen.
________________________________________

And there’s the Cocaine-Line that provided the idea.

It was a late, dark night at Aperture Laboratories.

The test quota was fulfilled and only two test subjects died this day.

Sitting in her chamber as always, GLaDOS was tending to her usual tasks:

GLaDOS: “Should I try to improve my “kill with bare hands” Technique? And how can I sit without a butt?”

fixing and building test chambers,

Wheatley`s attempt to summon an outer god resulted only in a giant mess. It would take days to clean certain rooms and get rid of the stench.

monitoring a few test subjects,

Insulting Chell and call her an orphan.

thinking up new ideas... Business as usual.

As usual it can get for a giant, very snarky A.I. anyway.

She sighed with contentment.

The new Apps for the Sentry Turrets worked perfectly. Their killing rates rose significantly.

It was much more peaceful around here after that monster of a test subject left.

On the other hand, she used to lock at pictures of Chell whenever she could. Abusive relationships are complicated.

She was enjoying this newfound peace; she almost forgot what it felt like.

Finally enough time to bake more cake that nobody will ever eat or see.

Suddenly, she heard a noise behind her as the door to her chamber slid open.

It was Gordon Freeman who had nothing better to do than to wait for Episode 3.

Sensing someone's presence, she turned around to face them.

It was an army of “Portal” fanboys and fangirls and they are yelling “Portal” Memes and continuously asking for cake. Neurotoxin was a quick but only temporary solution for this daily nuissance.

There, standing by the door was a lanky and unnaturally tall man.

A basketball player crossed with the G-Man?

The shadows of the room hid most of him, except the faint outline of his pale skin that was exposed.

Slender Man should take a trip into the Solarium.

The darkness seemed to love his form, and embraced his emotionless, faceless stare.

Darkness: “Oh, Slender Baby, you turn me so on…”

"Oh," GLaDOS said, keeping her voice void of emotion. "You. What are you doing here?"

The usual: Appearing for a few shaky seconds in a shot and do most of his work happen off-screen.

"It's been quite a while, hasn't it?" The tall, faceless man spoke.

For everybody who knows nothing about Slender Man: He never speaks, ever. It is unknown whether he talks in some strange for humans unknown way or at all.
Or GLaDOS can speak the Language of the Slender Man.
It makes it certainly easier for an argument of the two, but this is the least crazy thing about this idea.

"Yes, I suppose it has," GLaDOS said. She sighed slightly. She was certainly not in any mood for visitors. "Now, what do you want?"

Slender Man: “I search for some kids with camcorders, have you see them? They are always running away from me and refuse to give me my 20th Century Fox share back.”

"I was just in the neighborhood," the man said. "I thought I'd just drop in to see... an old friend."

Initially he searched for an old German dude and ended up coincidentally in the Aperture Labs.

"I can tell when you're lying, you know."

GLaDOS: “Your tentacles shudder when you lie, you know what?”

"Why would I lie to you?"

Slender Man: “Okay, I lied the one time as said I must punish a Prometheus and instead was harvesting Darkness. I said I was sorry, okay?
Doesn`t mean I will do it every time, you know?”

The AI sighed again. She wasn't in the mood to argue.

The one time someone reacted to her words and she is not in the mood.

The man turned his head to the side slightly before lifting his head a bit to meet the level of GLaDOS's glowing yellow optic.

How big is Slender Man here? GLaDOS seems to hang really low at the moment.
But this position… The second they start to kiss I’m out of here.

"Okay, look," he said. "Maybe we didn't handle things as well as we should of back then."

He wanted to eat more mandelbrot labeled X.

GLaDOS reared her head back.

And smashed it accidentally against the wall.

"We?" She asked. "If I remember correctly, it was you who ran away. I never did anything."

He had an urgent appointment with some everyman to improve his fitness. Then he was sidetracked by the twelve tribes of Israel and so on and so on...

"So that's what you think?" The man said. "You really had it in your head that I just walked away?" He shook his head.

GLaDOS: “I have no legs, so yes.”

"That is what happened."

I think her testing-addiction and her obsession over Chell made him left her.

"The only time I ever walked away from you is when you left me,"

Slender Man: “And I had to look for the Rake. He has a bad habit these days, you know?”

his forehead wrinkled and he paused for a moment. "For the testing."

I knew it!
But it is her job, so you really can’t blame her for that… And the fact that the Programmers thought it would be a good idea to give her drugs for every successful test on a subject.
Aperture Science: All our testers are drug addicts!

He practically spat the last word.

Slender Man: “Stupid testing, made by this stupid Cave-Man. I however have a good job. I kill, abduct, terrorize and haunt children and grownups alike.”

GLaDOS reared herself back and the man stepped back a bit.

And Slendy fell from the platform.

"The testing euphoria was better than anything you ever gave me!" She yelled.

This is your computer. Your computer becomes GLaDOS when it is on drugs.
Any questions?

"Our life together was spiraling downward and you know it!"

Slender Man: “We tried it with the marriage counselor, you know?”
GLaDOS: “You abducted him; I tested him to exhaustion, then you mind-raped him to death. It was fun, but no permanent solution.”

He looked downwards,

He didn’t want to endure her one hundred yard stare.

allowing them to sit in silence for an instant to let her cool down.

Afterwards he had her to restart.

"GLaDOS..." He whispered her name as he stepped closer once again.

Slender Man: “Besides: Have you seen the Videos of the people I am haunting?”
GLaDOS: “Yes. And I have an important tip: Try NEVER again to walk intimidating. It looks stupid when you force it.”
Slender Man: “Have you any idea how boring it is when your only options are to stand perfectly still, head-wiggling and posing? I have walked by the Marble-Guys, and what was good.”
GLaDOS: “You were in the shadows at that point. And say: You really like to see men in their sleep, do you?”
Slender Man: “What is this little picture of Chell doing on your table?”
GLaDOS: “Touché.”

He lifted a hand and gently cupped her "head" with his long, boney fingers.

When the two make out I quit.

"Don't you ever think about what could have been?"

I have some thoughts about what this crack-pairing could do… Some are not pretty to image.

"No," GLaDOS said sternly.

No dreams about a house, kids and a happy life? Those Drug addicts have no future.

The man kept his grip on her face, and bore an intense, faceless stare into her eye.

He’s really good at this.

She looked down. "Sometimes."

Her ideas are involving a bird-termination-business, getting ATLAS and P-Body to break up and insult people over the Radio.
His ideas involve getting a doghouse for the Rake, some children to snack on in his free time and dreaming in the darkness.

"Then why won't you give it another chance?"

GLaDOS: “Because you’re just another fool.“

"Because it wouldn't work," she said.

It wouldn’t work because it makes no sense.
What would a test-addicted, psychopathic, snarky A.I. and a eldritch abomination with a knack for stalking, abducting, mind-Raping and killing see in each other?
How have the two meet, then and where? I like to imagine she found the YouTube-Channels with Slender Man and trolled them until he came personally to her. They fight, then they kiss and then… Rule 34?
(Shudders)

"It never did work, Slender Man. And that's exactly why we're the way we are right now."

He’s a Internet-sensation, she is one of the most popular female villains of all time. Their break-up was better for their careers than anything else I presume.

Slender Man let his hand slip off of her. "Please, just... go."

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.
-Laozi

In other words: She wants her Peach to give herself again into her test-addiction and sending flame mails to the developers of Q.U.B.E.

"If you ever want to talk again, you know where I am," he said.

GLaDOS can reach Slender Man’s domain? I bet Cave Johnson`s scientists developed a Portal-Gun to reach other dimensions and the dork did nothing with it, but GLaDOS does.

He turned around and began to walk out. He looked back to look at the beautiful machine one last time.

Oh boy, he has a machine/computer fetish. But who am I to condemn the sexual interests of an eldritch abomination?

"I loved you,"

GLaDOS: “I do not, you fat, dumb orphan. Yog-Sothoth told me recently that he never loved you.”

he muttered and walked out.

Slender Man: (comes back in) “Apropos: You still owe me a cake.”
GLaDOS (tosses a cake into Slender Man’s face)
Slender Man: …
GLaDOS: “Have you expected a different response?”

The door to GLaDOS's chamber slid shut behind him.

And one of his tentacles gets jammed in the door.

"Goodbye," she said softly before returning back to her work. She had a long night ahead of her.

Full of Testing, Trolling Fans of Q.U.B.E. on the Forums and sending eMails to all known orphans to call them fat and unloved.
A blonde ninja who was an orphan, Slave Owner and thought he was a super-cool assassin attacked the A.I. in an idiotic rage fit with his Red-Chakra-Sword after he read her email. She sent him per Portal to the Moon, where he was quickly crushed by a dark Alicorn.

________________________________________

Oh God that was probably terrible.

I read worse. Stupid idea, but not disgustingly horrible, I give you that.

XD Whatever. I got bored.

But please, don’t try it with hentai when you get bored, okay? I don’t want to see Cthulhu shagging C-3PO.



So, that is my first MSTing in the English language AND on Project A.F.T.E.R.
That do you think about it?

First and foremost: I don’t have anything against Q.U.B.E. should somebody think about it. I think it would be In-Character for GLaDOS to insult people out of principle. I didn’t play it yet, but I think nothing bad about the game.

This was not a terrible Fanfic in its core. The Grammar was, good, the Dialogue solid enough and it wasn’t horrible disgusting, perverted, badly written or insane like some other thinks I read.
I now that Horrors lurk in the depth of the net.
This Fanfic had no rape, Gore, Torture or something, and that makes it in my eyes harmless.
But it is stupid nonetheless.
Slender Man/GLaDOS is not a very rational pairing. And the Story takes itself very seriously. As a comedy maybe, but not as an serious Romance/Drama. But the fic was harmless and it was fun riffing it.^^ I do not intend to make the Author miserable or hate him or anything.
But the Author should really think more about the Subject of the Story.

Signs.

Oogie-Boogie, New Mocker on the Project A.F.T.E.R. Site.


P.S.: A Special thanks to my good friend Mister Maniak how proofread this text.
Except the afterword.

[Maniak]

I should mention that you should use "who" instead of how.
Because seriously, that is just an overall mistake. How is the english equivalent of "wie", who means as much as "welcher" oder "wer" (letzteres in Fragesätzen) . The sentence writen down in the end means as much as "Besonderen Dank an Maniak, wie den Text überprüft" instead of "Besonderen Dank an Maniak, der den Text überprüft hat"

Also, just as a general mistake, some words are writen with a capital letter even if they should not be. Perhaps to clarify that in regard of the rule with nouns, only if something is a name of a place, a person/animal whatsoever, it is supposed to be writen big. If it is something like the word "self insert" it is supposed to be written small. Just saying cause that was the general mistake I have to correct here and there.

Otherwise the mock on its own merit was okay as far as I see it. Harmless fun and playing with the characters as it should be. Perhaps here and there a few tropes that should be avoided (as in really using tvtropes terminology, which I am mentioning as a general advice for future stories) but overall, good work