Twi and Me, by Hotsauce, She may or may not be of age. Either way, beastiality is going down. Options

[Paragon]

When I called this fic about two weeks ago, I didn't realize how utterly SCREWED UP in the head this guy has to be. This first part, while intensely idiotic, is still relatively mundane. Wait till we get to the actual horse fucking.


With Twilight's help I eased myself painfully down onto her couch.

How the fuck did she help, she’s a damn quadruped.

Nurse Mercy back in the Ponyville Clinic had done a great job with the bandaging but the wound in my side, although she made the process much more painful by making more unnecessary cuts, but the wound was well on the way to healing, was still throbbing painfully and I'd run out of the little candy-shaped painkillers that I'd been given.

Nurse Mercy, as her name suggests, put him out of his misery for the good of Ponyville and was lauded as a hero.

Luckily, there was an open bottle of dandelion wine

Wine made from fermented dandelions. Are you fucking serious.

on the coffee table, because ponies drink coffee, and I reached across and took the bottle gratefully.

What he didn’t know was that Twilight had laced the drink with cyanide.

"Oh, you're not going to drink, are you?" The little unicorn looked on in concern as I poured myself a glass of the wine with a grimace.

Horses don’t have the best taste in wine, go figure.

"Nurse Mercy said you shouldn't drink alcohol until you're feeling better! After you’re feeling better, she said that you should drink yourself to the grave so you don’t traumatize more youngsters."

"Look Twi," I said, pausing to knock back a quick mouthful of the disgusting drink. The warm, sweet liquor was already doing me more good than all the pain-killers I'd taken.

Right, because alcohol and fermented DANDELION does better than goddamn painkillers.

"I got hit by a manticore's tail – I think I'm going to have a drink to celebrate the fact I'm not dead – Nurse Mercy be damned!"

Twi giggled at my swearing, and at the fact that the silly human thought that his survival would ever be cause for any kind of celebration of any kind, but then her face filled with remorse. "It's all my fault. We never should have gone into the Everfree forest! I almost got you killed. You really should be dead, and I failed in my duty."

I smiled at her and shook my head. "It wasn't your fault, Twi. You were just trying to help me. And if you hadn't reached me in time, I'd be in a lot worse shape than just having a bunch of puncture marks in my side!"

Yeah, he could be a pedophile or something. Wait.

"What in Equestria are you talking about?" Twi frowned. "You leaped in front of me!"

"Nah, I was just trying to run past you. You see, because I’m a jackass, I didn't have to outrun the manticore, I just had to outrun you!"

He must’ve been drunk on all that dandelion wine.

I winked at her to let her know that I was being creepy. joking. Twi was not great with picking up even the most obvious creepy pedophilic advances jokes, so you had to be careful.
Because Twilight has mysteriously become her identical idiotic twin, Twi.

Twi giggled. She had a throaty, gentle little laugh that you didn't hear that often.

A throaty and gentle laugh would sound really fucking weird, dude.

I'd been trying to get her to loosen up a little, so I could have my dirty, awful, unacceptable, wicked, disgusting way with her and it seemed to be working. But she was still obsessed with returning me to the human world after I had been brought here by accident through one of her spells.

Oh, well at least she still has her priorities straight: GET RID OF THE CREEPY HAIRLESS APE.

"Aren't you going to join me?" I asked, waggling the bottle in front of her face. "I can't possibly drink the whole bottle all by myself in my weakened condition!"

The irony is that in the series, the pony equivalent of alcohol is hotsauce.

Twi eyed it with longing. "Oh, don't tease me! You know I've sworn off alcohol."

Yes, an underage horse has sworn off drinking.

It was true – she had. For she had been drunk when she'd cast the spell that had accidentally dragged me into Equestria

Yeah, that sounds like a thing that the responsible, logical and mature Twilight would do- oh, right this is her twin sister Twi.

rather than the sample of extra-dimensional plant life she had intended.

No, she got the plant life because Hotsauce is definitely a weed, in my opinion. He’s about as interesting and as wanted as a week, anyway.

She'd been collecting plants from the various universes that bordered on Equestria and it was usually a simple thing to bring a sample through a small portal that she'd open up.

Oh, yeah, trans-universal plant collection is simple and safe, and totally won’t start warping space time or something.

But around a month ago, after a few too many shots of vanilla-lemon vodka

Yeah, that sounds tasty. Vanilla lemon. Wonder why they don’t sell that particular flavor here in this universe…

with Pinkie and Rarity, Twi had come home and thrown herself back into her work which is what all drunk people do when they get home– and instead of a sample of plant life, it was me who had ended up getting sucked through the portal into Equestria.

Unfortunately for anyone remotely childlike.

I'd been here for a few months now. Of course, after trying all the magic she knew, a total of two spells: Find Alcohol and Get Extra-universal Plants, Twilight had taken me to see Princess Celestia – but the news hadn't been good. The Princess had told us that although drawing things into Equestria was quite straightforward, there was no easy way to send things back to their own universe.

Even though it’s simple to open up a portal to another universe. I’m gonna call bullshit on that.

Apparently, and here's where the explanation became a bit hard for me to follow,

Hotsauce has trouble following his own story. Fantastic.

the universes keep moving around at random and predicting which one will be closest to Equestria at any given moment is well-nigh impossible.

It’s like a game of existential bumper cars.

And so I was stuck here. I'd moped around for about a week, as you might expect, worrying about my unloving family and nonexistent friends back on Earth, but slowly I'd adapted to life here in Equestria because there were a ton of young female organisms here. Having to be vegetarian and also eat dessert three times a day wasn't all that bad, but gaining fifty pounds wasn’t and the ponies were pretty cool as long as they were young enough to fuck. They'd welcomed me with open arms - er, pussies forelegs – and here in Ponyville there weren't any essays to write, exams to sit, or other pointless, mundane crap like that that had filled my pretty-disappointing-overall life back on Earth.

Yeah, who wants stuff like a job, responsibility, money, friends, knowledge, love, that stuff’s pointless and mundane. Not like eating candy and veggies 24/7.

And so I'd started to enjoy living here, and more and more I was wanting Twi not to find a way to get me back home. But the stubborn little pony refused to be diverted from her latest project and she spent day and night obsessing about it, constantly muttering, “one more day, just one more day, and he’ll be dead, I just need to figure out the most painful way, so painful, pain, pain, pain, yes, he will scream for mercy…” although recently I'd managed to get her to take breaks from her experimentation and research because that shit is pointless and mundane– but she always seemed to somehow find a way to involve her work with whatever little activity I'd dragged her off to.

Maybe because she REALLY doesn’t want to be around you.

Our ill-fated little walk through the pleasant, flower-filled meadows around Fluttershy's tree-house was the latest example.

It ended with him being arrested for statutory rape and tried for crimes against ponydom.

I'd been getting Twi to tell me the names of the all the different birds and insects and plants that we encountered –

Like the blue bird, red plant, flying circular bug, flying oval bug, green plant…

I knew she loved showing off her knowledge, and spending time outdoors in the endless sunshiny days of an Equestria spring was much more fun than being stuck in her laboratory and watching her fill test tubes with strange colored chemicals in a seemingly endless succession.

Oh of course she HAS to do things that you consider more fun. Hey, she actually has a fucking job, unlike you, lazy ass.

Equestrian flora and fauna overlapped with ours in a lot of ways, but there was often some strange, punny aspect to them. As we walked together through the meadows fields we found buttercups that in Equestria taste like real butter (they were Twi's favorite, and she'd finally cajoled me into trying some, and they'd been creamy and delicious like underage pussy. BAZING), sunflowers that shone so brightly with their own light that you could barely stand to look at them because of all the physical impossibility, snapdragons that snapped at you when you tried to pick them, and so at last I decided to try picking some daisies instead, and having found them to be just the same as the ones you get back on earth because they also tried to kill me, so I made a little bouquet of them and surprised Twi with them.

Did you guys know daisies are the floral symbol for “I’m an unholy disgusting human being, have some flowers, please forgive my existence.”?

"For me?" she'd cried in delight, taking the bouquet in her mouth and straight away starting to eat it.

OMG SO ROMANTIC. Thank you for reminding us that Twi is a horse, Hotsauce, I REALLY want to be aware of that fact when this thing goes into bestiality territory.

"How did you know daisies are my favorite?"And as I watched her happily chewing on them, I suddenly realized I was in love with the little, lavender-colored pony.

I realized I was in love with my first boyfriend when I watched him eating grease-covered babyback ribs with his bare hands. True fucking story.

I guess I'd been trying to fight the feelings for a good while now. When I'd first come to Equestria, I'd been a little freaked out by all the talking ponies and dragons and so on, but you'd be amazed how quickly you get used to things.

The alcohol and underage rape helped.

And the ponies were adorable, with their big eyes and cheerful faces, their ability to talk and their human mannerisms, and their round little bodies that seemed like they were made from marshmallow.

Marshmallow-like body usually codes for an insult. At least that’s the term we use at my school.

They were quite unlike real ponies or horses, except for odd times such as this one, with Twi munching on the bouquet just like a real pony would, a single white petal she'd missed sticking to her lip. But it was one thing to think of them as people, and quite another to fall in love with one.

As we walked through those flowery meadows, the gentle buzzing of bees in our ears, our screams when they stung us and tried to kill us for our crimes against nature, the glittery spring sun setting the little brooks that we hopped over into streams of tiny diamonds which tried to cut our feet so as to not go through with what Dante Alighieri says will put you in the seventh circle of Hell for your crimes against the universe, my heart became filled with increasing panic.

I was in love with Twilight Sparkle! And she probably saw me as nothing much more than another interesting sample from an alternate universe, or even worse –

A friend!

Well, I’d say ‘friend’ is better territory. If she thought of you as a sample, she’d be experimenting on you, guy. And that would make Paragon so mad she might’ve flipped her desk over and screamed ‘fuck this shit’ so loudly her parents would send her to a military academy, and then she’d come back a total hardass with no friends. YOU WANT THAT, HOTSAUCE? You still think ‘friend’ is a worse thing to be?! Also, she was looking for plant samples. You know what we do to plants to test stuff about them? No, you don’t because you’ve probably never taken anything resembling a biology class in your life.

Twi had been watching me for a while now as I'd looked downcast taking pleasure in my sadness. But she, in her own little way, completely misinterpreted the reason for my sudden dejection. Twi was like that. She wasn't good at understanding emotions, especially the emotions of others.

Sometimes, she misinterpreted her own hatred for this human as concern or pity for him, for example.

I guess it was that variety of naivety that goes hand in hand with genius.

All geniuses have social inhibitions, of course. Especially genius horses.

And so she walked up to me and getting up on her hind legs she placed a forehoof on my shoulder and said,

“Dude, I’m not human, and the way you’re feeling right now is so wrong, it makes me think you may not be human either.”

with sisterly concern, "I promise I'll do everything I can to get you back home for the good of ponydom."

I looked at her, and the soft kindness of her big violet eyes filled my heart with a terrifying mixture of longing and anxiety.

Don’t worry, I’m sure it’s terrifying for the reader, too.

But then I saw them sparkle with sudden intensity.

Hopefully, it’s with intense killing intent.

"Oh, I've just had an amazing idea!" cried Twi. "Follow me!" And without further ado she started to trot off in the direction of the Everfree Forest.

I just stood there. "Wait, Twilight! What idea? What are you talking about?"

Twi stopped and looked back at me with exasperation. "We're going to go to the Temple of the Two Sisters to perform that sacrificial ritual that will either get you out of here or kill you! Don't you remember that Princess Celestia said that only the most ancient of all ancient magic could get you home? And there's sure to be something there – some clue, some object, something! – that can help us kill you."

Great. Another quiet little moment together ruined.

Can’t ruin what’s already awful in the first place.

I didn't want to seem unthankful, though, so I masked the feelings of sudden disappointment that welled up in me with the thought of leaving Equestria, and I ran to catch up with her.

Yeah, why on earth would you want to go back to your home when you have talking marshmallowy horses that drink alcoholic fermented dandelion wine?

Don't worry, everyone, it gets worse.

[Nihilistic One]

Yeah, this fanfiction is also terrible. All the same, it's better than Foalin' Around With the CWC CMC (if anyone doesn't know what I'm talking about, look on my sig. /blatantmockplug). I say that because at least there's a chance Twilight isn't underage (in horse terms, anyway), so people only fap to one crime against decency for this story.

This post has been edited by Nihilistic One: Jun 2 2012, 08:49 AM

[Paragon]

Yeah, this fanfiction is also terrible. All the same, it's better than Foalin' Around With the CWC CMC (if anyone doesn't know what I'm talking about, look on my sig. /blatantmockplug). I say that because at least there's a chance Twilight isn't underage (in horse terms, anyway), so people only fap to one crime against decency for this story.

I think this whole story is a crime against decency, but the sex is just...

It's awful.

As bad as the mother/daughter/son three-way I mocked, which I think is saying something.

Mostly because Hotsauce loves describing a horses vaginas and clitorises (clitori?) in loving and excessive detail. I mean, I know a writer wants to get the visual in your head, but a vagina really isn't that pretty to look at. Neither is a clitoris. Also, they're horses. This man is writing a self-insert fucking horses. I wonder if all these fics are canon to each other, because then his entire anthology would be one hell of a lot more messed up.

[Nihilistic One]

I think this whole story is a crime against decency, but the sex is just...

It's awful.

As bad as the mother/daughter/son three-way I mocked, which I think is saying something.

Mostly because Hotsauce loves describing a horses vaginas and clitorises (clitori?) in loving and excessive detail. I mean, I know a writer wants to get the visual in your head, but a vagina really isn't that pretty to look at. Neither is a clitoris. Also, they're horses. This man is writing a self-insert fucking horses. I wonder if all these fics are canon to each other, because then his entire anthology would be one hell of a lot more messed up.

He has explicitly stated that all of his stories are canon to each other. For example, do you remember my mock of Foalin' Around 2? It actually references another fic he did that's name escapes me in which he fucks Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon as punishment for being mean or something. The memory is a bit hazy; I naturally wouldn't want to remember such vile fics. Well, you have to applaud his sense of continuity. And by applaud I mean grow to hate the human race for having him as a member of it.

This post has been edited by Nihilistic One: Jun 2 2012, 11:02 AM

[Kirby2000]

Well they aren't canon to the fics that I am mocking "Snapshots from the Ruins of My Mind part 1 and 2". It doesn't even have any ponies in it.

[Nihilistic One]

Well they aren't canon to the fics that I am mocking "Snapshots from the Ruins of My Mind part 1 and 2". It doesn't even have any ponies in it.

Shut your whore mouth, those are also canon. I know, I've already killed myself on the insidedone research into what Hotsauce said. The sad thing is that Hotsauce is a pretentious twit. Really makes Spaih's calling him "Godotian" seem even more accurate...

This post has been edited by Nihilistic One: Jun 9 2012, 01:25 PM

[Paragon]

So, hey, I'm still mocking this thing. I just had life to deal with. Enjoy the pre-bestiality buildup.


But we'd never reached the temple, and instead had met up with a manticore

And the worst threesome ever put to writing ensued.

– not the kind-hearted one that Fluttershy had tamed, but a vicious and terrifying predator that we'd just barely escaped from with our lives.

For a second, I didn’t remember if the predator was the manticore or Hotsauce.

After jumping in front of its mighty tail and taking the blow that had been intended for Twilight,

Oh, of course. I like how he’s being VERY unconventional in story content, but he is not above stupid clichés like ‘male lead takes blow for female love interest’.

I'd fallen on the ground, dazed and in terrible pain,

Kinda like me when I read the part where he has sex with a horse.

with just enough life left in me to realize what an awful person I was and what a favor I was doing to the world at large by dying. Ha, just kidding, I was able to watch in awe and amazement as the manticore was flung through the air as if by a mighty invisible hand, all through the desperate power of Twi's magic.

God, Twi’s magic is so desperate, did you hear it totally started going for this one pedophile, just because it’s so desperate? Sad, sad, sad. Why the hell did he think that was a good word to use?

And then, slipping in and out of consciousness, blood pouring from my side, Twi had carried me out of the forest on her back.

She must have forgotten that she could levitate shit. Or maybe she wanted him to bleed out…?

We were closer to Ponyville than to Zecora's hut, which was deep in the centre of the forest, so it was in the Ponyville Clinic that I'd woken up several hours later, Nurse Mercy pissed to see the pedophile had survived again and a concerned and remorseful Twilight at my side.

But that was yesterday, and now I was sitting on her couch, drinking dandelion wine, and feeling much, much better.

Yeah, a huge gaping wound tends to heal after about a day, right?

But Twi was just as remorseful as she had been when I'd first woken from my daze.

"I'm so sorry I brought you here, away from all your friends and your family,"

Don’t worry, I don’t think he was liked by any of them. And I don’t think he liked them because they were too close to him in age or older.

she said. "And that awful injury. It's all my fault!" She looked down at her hooves. "You must... hate me."

I laughed, and at the sound Twi raised her face again and looked at me in confusion. "Oh Twi, I don't hate you! I –" But of course I didn't say what I felt.

Then allow me, pedofork. This is such a contrived line of dialogue, I literally was able to accurately predict every word you wrote here. Why not just cue the audience in on what’s really going on here? You’re going to bone a cartoon horse in this fic, and you are going to treat it as though it’s this cute, hot thing, and you are going to decide that this is good writing. Even though, as evidenced by TheSpaih, Nihilistic One and Kirby2000, you have absolutely no merit as a writer, or as a person. If you’re reading this, you egotist, then for the love of Christ, get some help, you really need it. Also, please never write fanfiction again, thanks.

My heart did a somersault, but it didn’t win any medals because it didn’t deal with exertion well and panicking I found myself babbling instead: "You're... you're an awesome friend and... and I really, really like you! As a friend, I mean."

DOUBLE FRIENDZONED!

Oh god. Had I really just said all that crap?

Yep, and it was as stupid to read as it was to write it, guy.

But Twi didn't seem put off by my pathetic ramblings – in fact, she seemed pleased.

Twi likes men who don’t know how to speak correctly, and are pathetic. Makes it easier for her to experiment on when the time comes.

Her look of misery had brightened into a smile and her shoulder had slumped in relief. "Really? You think of me as a friend?"

I nodded lamely. Well, that was the end of that!

I agree! I’m outta here.

Wait.

Dammit, there’s more.

I poured myself another glass of dandelion wine, but as I did I suddenly saw a second glass floating in the air before me, held in place by a magenta glow.

He was promptly smashed in the face with the glass.

I looked at Twi and she smiled back in embarrassment. "I guess I will have a drink after all."

I chuckled as I poured her a substantial glass of the fiery liquor but not before adding a little ‘special touch’ of my own. "You definitely deserve it, Twi. That was some amazing magic out there! You know what else an amazing magic is? ROOFIES!"

Twi's ears went back trying to escape her body’s inevitable coital fate and she blushed. "...thank you," she replied. Then her ears perked up again and she looked at me with glittering eyes.

Personally, I always love it when a fanfic starts reminding me of the Twilight books. It’s doing the mocking for me!

"You were pretty amazing too, you know. I know some big burly stallions that wouldn't try and face up to a manticore like you did!"

And horses can be added to the list of organisms smarter than Hotsauce, joining other creatures such as the humble amoeba!

"I think it was just foolishness rather than bravery," I replied.

Nobody can ever accept any kind of a compliment in fanfic. Ever.

Twi looked at me with a frown. "Foolishness? No, that was pure, unadulterated idiocy. You really should be dead, you know."

I blinked then quickly corrected myself. Twi wasn't great with irony either.

Neither am I, apparently. How is it ironic? Is it normally SMART to jump in front of a manticore?

"Yeah, OK. I guess I was pretty brave."

Our hero.

Twi nodded. "You were. It was just luck that it was a glancing blow – that manticore could easily have killed you."

Then why didn’t it?! Dammit, he should be dead!

She took another drink from her floating glass and flew it back over to me for a refill, and I was more than happy to oblige.

Oh, he’ll die of alcohol poisoning. That’s fine too, but I would have preferred the manticore tearing him to shreds.

I love drinking at the best of times, but drinking with a pretty girl

I think you may be getting your species mixed up here…

who's not afraid to meet you drink for drink is even better – don't you agree?

I prefer a guy who doesn’t drink me under the table, honestly. Seriously, males don’t need to get drunk to impress a chick.

And unlike most human girls, Twi could actually hold her liquor without getting sleepy and collapsing.

The word most does not belong there… Unless you have beer goggles in such an extreme so as to make HORSES look like humans.

In fact, the liquor made her talkative and upbeat, quite different from her usual phlegmatic self.

It’s almost as if the alcohol was making her out of character!

Unlike the other little ponies in Ponyville, Twi was genuinely interested in my stories about the human world.

It’s probably the alcohol. Or the roofies. Either way.

I regaled her with my knowledge of science, which consisted of a sixth grade basic course, only some of which was applicable to the world of Equestria. For example, for them the sun revolved around their planet and the seasons were the result of... you guessed it! Magic.

As enraged as the dismissal of science makes me, that’s still incorrect. The seasons are manually changed and there is a rule AGAINST using magic, and the day and night occur because of a pair of deities. No ‘magic’ involved there. Bastard has the gall to be obsessed with fucking underaged horses and not even bother with the lore of the world.

I explained to Twi about how our world revolved around the sun and how the tilt of the globe on its axis was what brought about our seasons.

He remembers this because it was the only time he paid attention in science class.

She sat there, riveted – and I laughed to myself that this was the first time in my life that my knowledge of science had been useful in keeping a girl entertained.

hahahahaaaa….It’s funny because it implies he never could entertain any kind of human female.

"So your Earth is essentially an entire planet like the Everfree Forest?" Her eyes were wide with amazement. "Life on your world must be so dangerous, what with all the monsters roaming around everywhere."

Monsters like Hotsauce, yeah. And by that, I wish to imply that pedophiles are monsters.

I chuckled. "There aren't really any monsters on Earth. I mean, we used to have dinosaurs – big lizard things not much different from dragons – but they all got wiped out. Magic, probably. I guess you could say that the only monsters left on the Earth now are us humans.

Oh, here we go… yes, tell us how AWFUL we are, how WASTEFUL and CONCEITED and ARROGANT we are, you misanthropic pedophile.

But some people still believe in them – I mean, believe in shirtless werewolves and sparkly vampires and stuff like that..." I suddenly laughed.

He does that a lot. Imagine talking to someone who punctuates their speech with periodic and unexpected laughter. It’d be fucking weird. Hotsauce is writing himself like that.

"You know, Twi, I'm so glad that the first thing that pops into my head now when I hear the name Twilight is your face, and not those lame sparkly vampires..."

Twi paused mid-sip and frowned. "What do you mean, 'sparkly vampires'?"

GO BACK TO THE HUMAN HATE, I’D RATHER READ THAT AT THIS POINT.

"Er, well..." I didn't really want to get involved in an in-depth explanation.

There is nothing that could make this fic worse, dude, go ahead.

"There was a series of novels called 'Twilight' that were pretty popular for a while in the human world. They had these lame sparkly vampires in them that..."

You know what else was in Twilight? Pedophilia and bestiality at the same time. Uhuh. Yep.

Twi snorted. "You know there's no such thing as vampires, right? I've no idea why anypony would want to read about things that aren't real. It seems such a waste of time to me."

How about writing them? Watching them? Or, better yet, how about writing about other people’s fictional works? That’s pretty bad, too!

"Just for fun, I guess," I replied, shrugging.

Or in your case, jack off to it.

I started kicking myself that the conversation had gone in this direction. Twi had been getting all worked up over the science and now she was on the defensive and about to start on one of her rants about how 9/11 was an inside job and we need to elect Ron Paul. They really were bad rants.

"Made up stuff isn't fun!" Twi rolled her eyes. "Statistics and graphs and facts – now they're fun!" She raised her head and with her horn glowing she levitated down a huge book from high up on of her bookshelves. Written on the spine was 'The Encyclopaedia Equestria Book of Facts', and as she opened it I saw the subtitle on the front cover: 'They're Totally Fun!'

My childhood, right there.

"So what should I look up?" she asked excitedly.

Look up the one video about some red headed kid who had no soul! Oh, oh, look up Panty and Stocking!! Hotsauce would love that.

I shrugged. "Uh, I dunno – how about manticores?"

The little unicorn muttered swears as she flipped through the book rapidly and cried out when she found what she was looking for.

The .9 mm pistol. Which she promptly used to shoot the hairless ape dead where he stood. Everyone rejoiced.

"Aha! Here we are." She cleared her throat and started to recount the fun fact she's discovered. "The spines in a manticore's tail are covered in a venom containing an anticoagulant, which makes wounds inflicted by them bleed for days afterwards."

LOOK HOW FUN THIS SHIT IS.

She crinkled her muzzle. "Eew, that's actually kind of gross." She looked at my bandaged side. "And it makes me feel even worse about what happened."

"It's definitely an interesting fact though," I chuckled, brightening up. Maybe facts could be fun!

And maybe you could spontaneously liquefy! That’d be great, too!

"Here, pass me the book."

Twi hopped up onto the couch and lay down so that she could read the book alongside me. Her eyes were glued to my hands as I flipped through the pages rapidly looking for another fun fact.

Sorry, you won’t find any facts on his hands, there.

"It must be useful having those... hands," Twi sighed. "It can be pretty exhausting having to use magic to move everything around all the time..."

It’s hard being special.

"How about those poor Earth ponies?" I said.

What about them? We supposed to give a shit?

Twi looked thoughtful. "Well yes. But Earth ponies are much stronger than unicorns."

"Well, it says here that Earth ponies are usually three times as strong as unicorns!"

Yay, race advantages!

"Really? Oh, let me see! Let me see!" She scooshed herself up closer to look over my shoulder and I suddenly felt the softness of her coat where her foreleg was brushing against my upper arm.

Is this supposed to be erotic…?

She was so near to me now that I could smell her usual scent of vanilla and lavender.

She’s a fucking horse, man.

It was from the soap that Twi used, and for a long time now I'd associated her with the smell.

How does one use soap with hooves?!

As we read together, taking turns looking up more and more ludicrous and little-known facts, she kept pouring drink after drink, and we soon getting pretty tipsy.

Their BAC has to be like, .43 or something by now.

A lot of the 'fun facts' were suddenly a lot more fun than they would ordinarily have been, and the entry on the mating-dance of dragons had us in hysterics.

They’re just like dinosaurs!

Tears were running down Twilight's face. "Oh, we have to show Rarity this! She'll never look at Spike the same way again! Who knew that dragons did all that?!"

Twilight Sparkle, everyone. Oh, and obviously the dragons had to know, you moron. Or whoever decided to write the damn book.

As I caught my breath I said "Aw, don't do that to the poor little guy! He'd never live it down."

It’s fine, he has Spike’s Sexual Revolution to cry about already.

Twilight wiped her eyes with her forehooves.

A movement which would have accomplished nothing, save for jabbing her own eyes.

"I guess you're right." She turned and floating a newly opened bottle of wine across to us she freshened our glasses.

She’s doing so much shit, the story’s tense is warping.

I took mine out of the air and glanced over it at the smiling little unicorn who was already taking gulps of wine in between giggles. "Miss Sparkle, are you trying to get me drunk?"

Actually, can I go get drunk? Can I go do anything else besides read this?

Twilight took the glass from her lips, her cheeks suddenly flushing red. "Why... why would I be trying to do that?"

"I've absolutely no idea. But lucky for you I like being drunk!" I said, taking another mouthful of the wine.

And he must like being dead of alcohol poisoning, too.

Twi's eyes flickered over my face but didn't linger anywhere for long, and I noticed her trying to hide a nervous little smile. "Why don't we read a little bit more?" she suggested.

HELL NO, I’M PLAYING SKYRIM FOR THE NEXT 18 HOURS.

Seriously, though, I’m cutting it off here. I have to delay the horse fucking as long as possible…

[Nihilistic One]

I want to have your babies!

This was an awesome mock of this part of the story! You know, the one thing I hate the most about this fic is the build-up to the bestiality. I mean, we all know why the loonies are reading it, and us sane people just want to get it over with if we must read it, so just get to the fucking to rip off the band-aid.

This post has been edited by Nihilistic One: Jun 9 2012, 01:17 PM

[Paragon]

I want to have your babies!

This was an awesome mock of this part of the story! You know, the one thing I hate the most about this fic is the build-up to the bestiality. I mean, we all know why the loonies are reading it, and us sane people just want to get it over with if we must read it, so just get to the fucking to rip off the band-aid.

...Do you need sleep? You may need sleep.

But, yeah, filler is usually very tricky to mock, so I just try to have fun with it. This part of the story really doesn't have much going for it, to be honest.

I don't know why he's including this. He's making the assumption his readers give a shit about the actual romance. Considering his audience, I don't think anyone does. This is akin to NarutosBrat's advocacy of including a scene where it's established that people are wearing condoms before sex. It's unecesary, it's dull, and nobody cares.

The actual sex in this fic...Oh, god, now THAT'S the depraved stuff.

[TheSpaih]

I love how he talks about how terrible Twilight (the books) is when his stories are pretty much the same. Unintentionally arrogant, stupid and all around generally unlikeable protagonist? Check. Pedophilia? Check. Beastiality? Check. Romance with a mysterious creature? Check.



This post has been edited by TheSpaih: Jun 9 2012, 01:26 PM

[Nihilistic One]

...Do you need sleep? You may need sleep.

But, yeah, filler is usually very tricky to mock, so I just try to have fun with it. This part of the story really doesn't have much going for it, to be honest.

I don't know why he's including this. He's making the assumption his readers give a shit about the actual romance. Considering his audience, I don't think anyone does. This is akin to NarutosBrat's advocacy of including a scene where it's established that people are wearing condoms before sex. It's unecesary, it's dull, and nobody cares.

The actual sex in this fic...Oh, god, now THAT'S the depraved stuff.

I applaud that you are trying to have fun with the filler. Were it me, I'd probably be hurling insults at the author the whole time and telling him how he should be punished in a way that would make Dante Aligheri cringe.

And Hotsauce doesn't know how to write a sex scene. I mean, a cursory glance at a biology textbook tells you that the sex is impossible. Mind you, this isn't taking into account that humans were not meant to have sex with horses of any kind. I can assure you, if anybody actually tried fucking a horse, it would be an unpleasant experience for both parties.

[TheSpaih]

The actual sex in this fic...Oh, god, now THAT'S the depraved stuff.

I expect a Sonic Riders: Zero Gravity joke. Don't fail me.

[Max-Vader]

I can assure you, if anybody actually tried fucking a horse, it would be an unpleasant experience for both parties.

Eyup.

[Agnitio Ex Machina]

I also hear about deaths of women from zoophilia porns involving horses.

[Nihilistic One]

Eyup.

I also hear about deaths of women from zoophilia porns involving horses.

Why do neither of these posts surprise me in the least? Though it would be nice if Agnitio provided a bloody link, it does happen. What the fuck is wrong with some people!?

[Paragon]

Hey, did you know a guy actually thinks this shit is romantic?! BECAUSE THE AUTHOR DOES!



"What should we look up now?"

The current pedophilia laws in Equestria? That may be relevant to your interests.

I asked. "We've already read about the terrible secret behind sea-serpent facial hair (ROGANE), the reason why griffons and ponies hate each other (LOLBLACKPEOPLE) and that strange case of the oatmeal that made all those ponies in Hoofington go crazy...(IT WAS THE ROOFIES AND METH)."

Twi's eyes flashed. "Oh, ponies and griffons! That reminds me of the one time we burned crosses in that one griffon’s yard, it was so funny." I was holding the book and so she leaned across me to read it as she flipped the pages looking for the entry she was interested in. I felt my heart beat faster as she rubbed against me,

That may be the alcohol talking, bucko. She’s a horse. How do you not realize she’s a fucking horse?

but suddenly she found the page she was looking for and sat back on her half of the sofa.

Separate but equal, baby.

I looked down at the page. "Hippogriffs?"

Twi nodded.

I read the entry. "It says that the hippogriff is the foal of a griffon and a pony produced with the aid of magic." I scratched my head. "I never knew about that."

Because the only books you ever read were the Twilight books, apparently. If you’d ever read Harry Potter or something, you’d know about a hippogriff.

"But don't you think it's amazing that two species that are so different can actually fall in love?" Her violet eyes searched my face for any sign of intelligence. She found none.

"Well, it is pretty amazing. And actually kind of adorable if you think about it."

Well, I can say with confidence that I will never be so drunk as to consider interspecies romance between a biped and a quadruped to be ‘adorable’. Wait, we’re not talking about this guy and the horse, are we? The parallel symbolism is about as subtle as a crucifixion.

Twilight clopped her hooves together. "Oh, it is, isn't it! Let's have another drink..."

Seriously, I think she’s trying to kill him with alcohol.

I was already quite drunk now

No, really?

but Twi kept levitating the dandelion wine over and topping up my glass.

She’s totally trying to kill him, what the fuck.

I was at that point when you stop being able to judge how much you've had to drink already,

I’m guessing at least five bottles at this point. Enjoy the hangover, you bastard.

and I took another sip, turned to Twi and looked at her.

He’s actually looking at a potted plant right now. Those beer goggles are really kicking in, there.

She'd had a few drinks too by now – she hadn't quite been meeting me drink for drink, but her cheeks were flushed and she was softly smiling as she shyly looked down at the glass floating before her face.

"Hey, you're not tired are you?" I asked suddenly.

What’s ‘tired’? Is that some new brand of vodka?

I was worried that the evening was starting to come to an end just when we were starting to get close.

Close to what? …not sex. Nononononono.

Twi didn't look up and just shook her head.

I leaned over and looked up at her, but she turned her face away, and the flush from the liquor deepened into a blush on her cheeks. "I think I've had a bit too much to drink," she whispered.

I think you need to drink even more, actually. Your blood isn’t MOSTLY alcohol yet.

"Aw, c'mon Twi. Let me see those gorgeous eyes of yours!" All that wine had made me braver, and with her body so close to mine I was gripped with a desperate need to see that face I'd fallen in love with.



"They're not... gorgeous," she said, still refusing to meet my gaze. "And my face feels all flushed. I must look terrible!"

"I don't think it's possible for you to look terrible," I told her. I brought my hand to her face and lifted it up. She didn't resist but just stared at me, her violet eyes glistening behind those long dark lashes.

You know, I probably wouldn’t have as much of a problem with this fic if she was A FUCKING HUMAN. She’s still a fucking horse in this one, why the fuck would you want to get down and dirty with a horse!?

"You... really think so?" she asked shyly.

I nodded. "You know, I've had a thing for you since the first time we met. I mean, sure, I’ve fucked like three other horses at this point, but YOU are the ONE I actually like!”

Twi frowned. "A 'thing' for me?"

I felt my heart beating faster. I guessed it was now or never! "You know – a crush!" I realized I had to tell her sooner or later.

Or you could have kept it buried inside and stayed content with the three (or more) other horses you have fucked at this point.

At least this way I'd get it all out of my system and not have it eating me away inside.

No, that’s currently the job of the alcohol.

Her mouth became an O of surprise. "You have a crush... on me?" she said, pulling away, “Ew! You’re disgusting!! How old are you, anyway?! God, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

"You're not freaked out, are you, Twi?" I was gripped by a sudden panic that cut through my drunkenness. I'd forgotten that I was essentially a hairless ape in a world of magical little ponies, and I knew I must look strange to them.

THAT’S what you’re worried about?! Not the fact that, you know, this is pretty much a biological impossibility?

And strange was more or less the same thing as unattractive.

Twi didn't reply, and just turned her face away.

"Twi?" I felt my heart like a dead weight of ice sink in my chest.

He didn’t just stop at ‘ice’ in his chest, he went past ‘weight’ in his chest, he went ALL THE WAY TO ‘A DEAD WEIGHT OF ICE’. I didn’t know it was possible to combine such extreme clichés in such a way that it accentuates their utter contriteness.

I wanted to reach out to her and touch her, but my hand fell back. I knew my heart just wouldn't be able to stand it if she recoiled from me at that moment.

Yeah, it still has that dead weight of ice in there, and everything!

But at last she turned back to look at me, and her eyes were glistening with the beginnings of tears.

"Twi? What's wrong?"

“It’s just, you’re just so fucking UGLY!”

"Why are you making fun of me?" she demanded, distraught. "I thought you were my friend!"

Did she really think I was making fun of her? I fought off my own tears. "I'd never do that to you, Twi," I said. I slipped a hand onto her foreleg, and she looked down at it, but she made no move to pull away. "Is it really so hard to believe I'd have a crush on you?"

I’m going to try to put myself in her situation here…Uh, yeah, it would be pretty hard to believe, this hairless ape who has fucked several of my friends is now declaring feelings for ME. Dude…go die.

"You... you don't think I'm ugly?" she asked. The glistening had become tears, and they rolled down her lavender cheeks and droplets, like diamonds, were trapped by her thick black lashes.

QUICK, HARVEST THEM; THEY’LL MAKE YOU A FORTUNE!

"Ugly? What are you talking about?"



"Weird then?" she said, her voice little more than a whisper. "An ugly, weird egghead?"

"Who's called you that?" I was suddenly furious at the thought that someone could be so mean-spirited.

I find it hard to believe that he wouldn’t know about bullies and their modes of mocking.

"Ponies... have," she replied. "And it's true. I'm a plain, boring egghead with a fat rump who nopony would ever want,"

And now I have ‘Big Butts’ playing in my head, thanks.

Her tears were falling onto the couch now. "I've never... even had a coltfriend before.

You could say boyfriend. We’d all know what you were talking about if you said boyfriend.

I guess stallions just find a mare who's interested in reading and books a bit too boring to want to date." Her eyes closed in pain. "I mean, I'm no Fluttershy.

Fluttershy is a regular she-pimp, isn’t she?

I can be pretty tetchy at times, and I guess that scares a lot of guys off. And nopony wants a girlfriend who's uses big words."

Excuse me, most males appreciate a female with an expanded and advanced lexicon with…oh, who am I kidding, no guy has ever liked me for my word choice, Jesus.

"Who told you that garbage?" I demanded.

"Rainbow Dash," she replied.

Pfffffff. Ahahhaaa….It’s funny because she’s the closest thing to a lesbian on the show.

"Rainbow Dash giving you advice about stallions?" I snorted. "I think you can discount anything she says, Twi. She isn’t even INTO stallions, dumbass! I bet it was Rainbow Dash who said that you were an egghead as well." I reached over and slipped my arms around her. She flinched, but didn't move away, so I pulled her towards me and hugged her. "You're none of those things," I told her. "You're funny, you're... well, you're smart, but I wouldn't call you an egghead. Eggheads are supposed to be boring, and you're easily the most interesting individual I've ever met."

"You... really think so?" She rested head on my shoulder. It was soft and warm, and I could feel the hot wetness of a tear-filled eye against my cheek.

"Really," I replied. "But most of all, you're beautiful, Twi. I don't think you realize how beautiful you are."



She pulled out of my arms and slid across the couch away from me. "Please stop saying those things. I know you're just saying that to make me feel better."

I shook my head. Seeing her so fragile, so vulnerable, so unlike her usual, stubborn, opinionated self was breaking my heart. "I'd never lie to you to make you feel better. You'd be able to tell straight away if I was."

Because she’s so good at picking up on those kinds of things, this pony who can’t pick up on irony or sarcasm!

Twi looked at me. "But why do you think I'm beautiful? I look just like one of those animal-ponies you told me about from your universe that spend the entire day eating grass and neighing and pooping and..."

Do you NOT eat grass and neigh and poop?!

"Animal-ponies?" I chuckled. "I never met a pony in my universe that I could sit on a couch beside and drink with and have fun with and fall in..." I stopped before I said too much.

HOW THE FUCK ELSE COULD YOU FINISH THAT SENTENCE?!

"But... why don't you like somepony like Rarity then?" she asked. "Or Fluttershy? They're so much more beautiful than me..."

"Are you going to make me say it, Twi?" I closed my eyes for a moment in pain. "It's those eyes of yours, Twi. That look you get in them sometimes when you're talking about stuff you love.

Oh, please, that’s BULLSHIT. I can say for sure that males, human males specifically, do not have a taste for the ocular features, they like what’s a bit lower, and everybody reading this fucking knows it.

And your... well, your mane," I went red. I'd never sweet talked a girl by praising her mane before, and it did feel weird.

I don’t think you’ve sweet talked a girl before besides using the phrase, “I thought you said you were 18!”

But it was true. Those bangs made her look totally adorable, the real 'sexy librarian' type, but it also showed how naïve she was, and I found that innocence about her maddening.

Her bangs…dude, you are really fucking grasping here, you know.

"You like... my mane?" Twi sniffed – she wasn't crying anymore. "Nopony's ever told me... that they liked my mane before. Don't you think it's a totally unfashionable cut? I mean, it's nowhere near as gorgeous as Rarity's and..."

Half of all anime heroines have that same fucking cut.

"Let Rarity have that wavy mane of hers!" I snorted. "Your cut suits you, Twi. I can't imagine your mane any other way. Besides, I think it's adorable. You're... adorable."

You keep using that word…

Twi looked up at me shyly. At long last she seemed to believe what I was saying, and her mouth opened – but no words came out. She stared at me like that for several heartbeats and then all of sudden a stream of words exploded out of her in a rush.

Her death was mourned by all, and Hotsauce was lynched for his involvement.

"IthinkIhaveacrushonyoutoo!" she babbled, and as soon as she finished she turned away, her face crimson.

"Wait, Twi – you do?" I felt my heart leap in my chest.

And my eyes literally just jumped out of my body. They really don’t want to read this shit anymore. So I shall just cut it off here, and we shall reconvene when we hit the actual foreplay, and then…*shudders*…No…I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it…

[Agnitio Ex Machina]

The whole Brony community.

[Nihilistic One]

Paragon, I applaud you for not losing your mind during this opening pretending that it's anything but fap-bait bit. I honestly wouldn't have even tried doing a mock of this, personally. Hotsauce's prose is rather bland, in my opinion. I mean, there's really nothing in there to keep your interest for even a second, you know?

[Yaoi Huntress Earth]

As if listening to the audio version wasn't bad enough. Anyway, thanks for taking this on.

[Nihilistic One]

As if listening to the audio version wasn't bad enough. Anyway, thanks for taking this on.

Ugh, that audio version. It wouldn't have been so bad if the guy hadn't sounded aroused by it.

This post has been edited by Nihilistic One: Jun 17 2012, 10:51 AM