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> Friendship is Life, Return of the Son of the Retard Blades
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Dashguy


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post Feb 8 2017, 04:34 AM
Welcome everyone to another mock, courtesy of DashGorilla Studios! This time, we'll be dealing to the sequel of a previous work we mocked, Friendship is Life, courtesy of our old friend, Alejin. I've recieved reports from my partner Dashguy, that this fic will crank up the edginess, but considering how I dealt with a dueling Ghost Rider, who was fighting off the minions of Freddy Kruger, I should be able to handle it. One thing I will point out is that the author got a beta reader, and from what I saw, his grammar has improved considerably. His story telling skills however...not so much.

So let's kick things into hyperdrive, and tear this shit apart!


SOMEONE’S BASEMENT

“(Pant) (Pant) I. . . I can’t believe how hard this is!”

Masturbation's not the easiest thing to do, when you're obese.

“I need to be more agile, my body feels so heavy. I need to get used to this, damn! Wonder how THEY manage to live like this!. . . well, they’ve been living like this all their lives.”

What’s the point of this? Does the author honestly expect us to believe this “mysterious character” is not his freaking self-insert?

The one saying that was a guy training in an improvised gym down in his basement. It had been the same routine almost every day for week; obviously this young man’s love for his training sessions was no secret to his neighbors. But what really caught their attention, were the tripping and gasping sounds while he was exercising, like a baby learning to walk. And not only that, but many of them could swear hearing the sounds of hoof steps. Then again, knowing him and not wanting to get too involved, they decided to let him be.

And can you blame them for not wanting to get involved? The guy's most likely insane, babbling on about how he kissed Moe Horse.

Call me dirty minded, but it sounds like the guy has got a pony down there and is struggling to have sex with it.

The sound of someone tripping made its echo all over the basement.

“Damn. . . . This one really hurt! At least it happens only one or two times a day now (I’d like to see the THEM in my shoes, that would be funny) but I have to admit it, this stamina is really something; I’ve been training for 2 hours and haven’t sweat a bit. Hehehehehe! Now I can really believe THEY harvest all those apples by themselves”.

At that precise moment his phone rang, it was his friend Steven:

Oh hey, one of the faceless friends from the first story now gets to have a name. I wonder what he'll have to do in order to earn himself a personality...

What do you mean “being Alex’s friend does not count as a personality”?

“Hey Steven. . . what’s up?"

“Hey Alex, I’m fine and you?”

“I’m doing fine.”

Fascinating conversation. You can truly feel the bond between those two.

“Great! Then, can I and the rest of the gang come to your place in 10 minutes?”

“Umm. . . well. . . right now is not a good moment, how about in an hour?”

“Alex. . . You are in the gym aren’t you?”

“(Sigh) yes…”

“Alex! You know you should be resting! You got out the hospital only four weeks ago and the doctor said no exercises for at least a month.”

“I know, I know, but I really get bored at home. . . and you know I don’t like to miss my training sessions. Besides, I waited for three weeks! Trust me, my wounds are healed now.”

You have a shit ton of video games at your house; how the fuck can you be bored?!

Concerned Gamer had already commented on this in the mock of previous installment, but it’s worth repeating. This guy is Batman minus everything that makes Batman a fascinating character. Much like Bruce Wayne, Alex is a rich orphan who decided to train his body to the peak of human capabilities. But where the Dark Knight did it to bring justice and hope to the citizens of Gotham, this cocksucker did it all to imitate his favorite video game character and cosplay at conventions.

“Uhg fine! We will be there in an hour to celebrate your birthday party as we planned ok?”

“It was today!? Damn!, sorry I forgot. Ok! See you in an hour.”

Jesus Christ, not this. In my experience, the self-insert’s birthday is the biggest freaking excuse in the damn book to have every other character suck his metaphorical penis. And here we have it, on the very first freaking chapter.

“Excellent! It will be awesome! All of us will be there, we got the cake and foods so don’t worry and get ready for a good beating in Street Fighter. We got much better while you were absent.”

Wait a minute. Alex is supposed to be rich; money is not a problem for him. He said so on the very first chapter of the previous story. So why isn’t he the one putting the food and drinks on the table? I don’t care if he prefers small gatherings instead of large parties, he should be the one picking up the food and ordering pizzas for everybody!

mmmmmmm Pizza....

“(Alex rolled his eyes) Ok man, whatever you say. . . but I still think it’s a bit unfair! You know I haven’t played in months, even so, I can still beat you dude.”

“Hahahaha! We’ll see that!”

“Ok Steven, see you later!”

“See you later Alex and please remember. . . be careful if you go out, that asshole could still be out there”

What asshole? You mean the guy who thinks your assassin cosplay is utterly stupid?

“(sigh) I know, thanks” (Steven. . . you’re always worried about me)

“And Alex, just one more thing. . . do you still these have nightmares?”

“Yeah. . . I do, but don’t worry; they will stop sooner or later. I’m sure about that”

“Ok then. . . see you later” (hangs up the phone)

Man, that Steven is such a swell guy. Always making sure to make the right questions to give Alex an excuse for exposition.

“I’m sorry Steven, for lying to you and the rest”

Alex took off his special pendant and went upstairs.

He remembered that day at the hospital…



A couple of days after waking up on the hospital where he was found, he had to answer some questions to the doctors and the police, he had to explain not only what happened during that night, but where he had been for the last two months as well; the explanation was brief and simple: he told them about his adventures and how he loved to travel to new places just to spend weeks away from home. His friends, knowing him and his adventurous spirit could very well confirm that. Regarding his injuries, he said it was an armed assailant who asked him for his wallet and phone: he told them he refused to give him his things and tried to fight back but he was stabbed twice by this guy who then ran away. . . He lost consciousness and woke up in the hospital; he came to the conclusion that maybe a good guy found him and brought him there. Why was he found in the newborn babies room was beyond his understanding. Given he didn’t have any police records they let the issue be and exited the room to let his friend Steven come in.

Holy shit, that paragraph! That aside, all it is, is Alex lying about how he ended up in the hospital.

The guy disappears without a trace for two whole months, only to re-appear unconscious, shirtless, armed with his blades and covered in blood on the middle of the newborn’s room in some hospital and the police eat up his shit because he’s got no records? Why not just say he bribed them all?

Steven immediately hugged him and said:

“Alex!! I’m glad you are ok! Is it true? That a mugger attacked you and left you like this? No offense dude but so much for your training”

“None taken (Wow! No mule feeling? I guess it only happens in Equestria)

Your jokes are as funny as watching a clown get mauled to death by wild boars.

For the uninitiated, allow me to explain. There are a couple of instances in the show were character X says character Y is “stubborn as a mule”, only for character X to turn to the side and apologize, with the camera revealing a mule who answers with “none taken”.


what can I say? He surprised me and well. . . he was such a skilled guy.”

“Yeah? Well, let’s be happy you are ok. Care to tell me where you went this time?”

“Before I answer that. . . please tell me, how is everything at home”

“Fine as always, you should be really thankful for having me to take care of your bills and other stuff while you are out; and don’t worry, as we agreed, if you are absent for more than a week. . . I’m in charge of keeping your place safe and locked. In return I can crash there whenever I want, I kinda made a couple of parties. . .well a LOT of parties to be honest, but don’t worry, nothing was stolen, not on my watch”

"However, I had to sent your body pillows to the laundromat. Chad spilled his coke all over them."

So Alex got another dumb teenager to take care of his shit? Why not hire an accountant or some kind of profesional? And notice how Steven, instead of just saying “I took care of everything, as always”, basically turns to the readers to provide more exposition.

“Hehehe!, Thanks Steven. Back on topic, I just went to some random place again.”

“So. . . you always go wherever the road takes you, uh?”

“Yeah. . . something like that.”

“Ok?. . . .But why didn’t you tell anyone about it?”

“I’m sorry. . . but it happened all of a sudden. Funny for such improvised trip, I ended up meeting some new and unique friends; I also learned many things. It was a great trip without a doubt!”

Here's a thought, why not bring your friends to Equestria with you? They can each pick out their pony waifus for themselves.

I feel specially nipticky today. Notice how he doesn’t want to tell anybody about Equestria, but at the same time he cannot resist boasting about the stuff that happened there. It’s like a perpetual struggle between the rational part of his brain and his dick.

“I understand. Anyway, I’m. . . We are glad you are ok, the rest will come later; for now I must go but I’ll be back soon, see you later”

“Thanks Steven, see you later”

Thanks for the gratuitous exposition, champ!



After getting ready to meet his friends at home, Alex went upstairs to his rooftop. While looking at the sky, he thought:

“I wonder how Spike and Everypony else is doing right now. I hope they are ok, well at least they are safe from that asshole now. I’d love having him out of my dreams. Damn! Even after his death, he still makes my life impossible”

Ol'Blueblood refers to the cupcakes that Alex and Pinkie made, as 'common carnival fare'. Oh and he also has sex with Moe Horse.

And now you made me picture this scene from Happy Gilmore with Blueblood instead of Shooter McGavin.

Alex was shaking; he still had the memory of that day. He hadn’t been the same since. He didn’t show it but the feeling of almost dying left him a little scared. And not only that, he started to have nightmares about his last moments with Blueblood, being stabbed and killing him, nopony knew this, but he felt really guilty for killing Blueblood. He killed a pony; a tyrant pony, but still a sentient being. What would happen if someday he managed to return to Equestria? Would they accept him again? Would there be punishment for Blueblood’s death? Would they be scared of him? He shook that feeling off; he knew his pony friends would never turn their backs on him. Besides, every time he thought about them (specially a shy Pegasus an a little white unicorn) the nightmares and negative thoughts vanished and he remembered that IT had to be done. He needed to go back and let them know he was ok, but he was scared for something else as well, that place almost became his tombstone. Maybe that world didn’t want him there. It didn’t matter, he was determined to go back, at least one more time and then come back to Earth for good. After all, it was now possible to go back thanks to the “return to the start” spell (but appearing in the newborn babies room again would be hard to explain) even so. . . if he was going to return to Equestria, he’d have to take some major measures to ensure his and his friends’ safety. Maybe he was a little paranoid now.

Another big as shit paragraph. Holy fuck, my eyes!

*ahem* Now then, that wall of text has Alex worrying about the ponies reaction to him slaying Blueblood. Nevermind the fact that he's a self-insert, who can do anything to the ponies, and they'll still worship him, he admitted that he slayed a tyrant pony. That'll be like if I started worrying about how the public would feel, if I had killed Hitler.


You and I are going to have a small chat about what “improved considerably” means, GorillaGamer. Having said that, this paragraph is a fucking mess. His feeling of nearly dying let him a little scared, eh? Thanks for the clarification, I don’t think we would’ve noticed otherwise. Blueblood was a tyrant, but a sentient being. Do you also regret killing the Manticore King too? And I love how he says IT had to be done. Queen Chrysalis, who had her own freaking army of shapeshifters and could surpass Celestia if feed properly with enough love, was taken down by non-lethal means, but Blueblood, a snob who relied mostly on the power of a dark magical artifact had to be killed for the sake of Equestria. Sure.

He was so lost in his thoughts he didn’t notice it was past the time for his friends to come. He came downstairs to call them over the phone, but all of a sudden…

“SURPRISE!!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX!!!”

“AGHHHHH. . . .PINKI P. . . . STEVEN!!. . . .That was pretty good, you all really got me guys” (Damn! why do I always forget Steven has copies of my keys?)

I pity you, Steven. In only two months, you have been replaced by a freaking cartoon pony in this jerkoff’s friends list.

“Yes we did! Were you going to call me Pinkie Pie?”

“(Gulp) Nope!”

“You are lucky I’m half brony as well dude, ok. . . come here, let’s celebrate; even though it is really not your birthday, just try to enjoy it. Too bad you spent it in the hospital”

You see? Bringing this Steven fellow to Equestria would only make your life better.

“Hahahaha!, Trust me Steven after being stabbed, spending those three weeks in the hospital was like heaven”

Everyone laughed at this and started to party; the food was good, Alex ate hamburgers and hotdogs like crazy. Since the day he was allowed to eat solid food again, he didn’t stop eating all kinds of meat and strangely drinking lots of coffee and sodas. When the party was over and everyone was gone, Alex cleaned up the place. He then sat on his couch and watched some MLP DVDs. He watched the whole 2nd and 3rd seasons: how Spike saved the Cristal Empire as well as Discord’s attack, which then was reformed by Fluttershy. According to his calculations, he came back before this, he wondered if somehow his actions altered the course of history (It was obvious the death of BlueBlood didn’t have to happen), even so, he still couldn’t believe Twilight would ascend to Alicorn (That was so unexpected!). He could not wait to meet his new princess friend again, after watching some more episodes he went to his bedroom to get ready to sleep, but a piece of paper on the wall caught his attention. The same piece of paper his friend Luna gave him that night. He admitted to have some doubts about the theory of the oak tree being a portal; but these doubts disappeared when (around last week) he went to the oak tree and waited for several hours to see if something would happen, when he was about to give up… IT DID; a bright light started to shine around the oak tree, meteors where crossing the sky, the light lasted for around 20 seconds and then it all disappeared. He wanted so bad to jump into the light and travel back to Equestria, but he knew it wasn’t the right time, not yet; his body was still healing and he needed to get ready to make his life in Equestria more. . .comfortable, not to mention he had some promises to fulfill, “nope, not this time” he said.

N32IOTUDKGNOJNFNEW0NF0EW9FJFJ9WNFE0N!!!! ENOUGH WITH THE FUCKING WALLS OF TEXT, YOU ILLITERATE WARTHOG!!

“He needed to get ready to make his life in Equestria more comfortable.”

I wonder what are the chances this entails carrying a bunch of shit like an iphone, laptop or any other garbage to impress the ponies with?


Bu-But Video games!

“Ok, according to this, I still have one more chance this year, the next meteor shower will be in around three months from now and is the last one listed here. If I miss it, I will never know when the portal will open again! I need to get ready.”

Back in his bedroom Alex fell on his bed and started to write a “to do” list, a way one of his friends got in his head (Thanks for that Twilight)

“Ok. . . let see. . . I will need: 1) A really big truck . . . 2) Learn to drive a truck.. . 3) . . . .”

Is he going to die in a car crash like his family did? Talk about a coincidence.

EQUESTRIA

Twilight was sleeping in her room at the Cristal Palace. As a princess, she had to attend to meetings with the other Princesses; she closed her eyes and started thinking about these meetings. Because of this, she couldn’t notice a mysterious cloaked pony changing her Crown (her Element of Harmony) for a fake one. This mysterious figure almost got away with it, but tripped on Spike’s Tail and the noise woke up everypony. Twilight and her friends started to chase this pony that ran away after being noticed. When Twilight finally caught him (or her), they started to fight. Feeling that defeat was imminent, the mysterious pony threw the Crown directly to a mirror, but it didn’t break it! It passed it through! The thief said something to Twilight, and then jumped through the mirror as if it was a portal, leaving everypony wondering who or what this pony was.

Please don't tell me we're going to sit through Equestria Girls...

As much as I'm neutral towards the show, I find the entire Equestria Girls movie series to be utter nonsense.


B-But the Rule34, man!

By the way, Twilight’s castle is called “The Castle of Friendship”, author, you fucking cretin.


ALEX GYM (2 days later)

Alex kept doing his training sessions every day. He really had improved adapting to his new body, he stopped tripping and started to run faster and faster, he knew it wasn’t that necessary for him to train like that; after all, his true form was more than enough for him, but he really didn’t want anypony to make fun of him, if he managed to go back to Equestria of course. Not to mention that training in this new form was something else, something that no other human would ever have a chance to do. Besides, he didn’t want to waste his Friend Princess Luna’s gift (in a way, it was funny because he was supposed to never use it in the first place since it was a just a parting gift) and somehow it helped with his nightmares, maybe for the fact it was made by Luna, the Princess of dreams, he could still remember the precise moment he found it…

I'm guessing Luna's gift was a couple issues of that Playpony magazine bronies obsess over.

So Luna’s parting gift, which he wasn’t supposed to use, was an item that allows him to transform his body? Why not a simple handkerchief or bracelet? Why not something that actually reflect the culture and history of Equestria instead of some magical bullshit?



After three weeks of long waiting, Alex was finally released from the Hospital with the doctor’s order of not to do anything harsh for at least a month. Putting on his old shorts and new shirt brought by Steven, he finally could go home, he thanked God for his friend Steven taking good care of his house and paying his bills, since everything in his house was working, electricity, phone, cable and water. He had to make a fast travel to the supermarket since the fridge was empty (obviously). After a good meal with lots of bacon and soda, Alex sat on his couch and played on his PS3 for hours, while playing, he felt something in his shorts was hurting him. He paused the game to see what it was and was surprised to find a little envelope with a black ribbon on it. He stared at it for some minutes and then remembered.

“Ahhhhh! Luna’s birthday Gift! Let’s see what it is!”

Alex carefully opened the envelope and found a really cool Pendant. Its shape was like the Star Wars resistance insignia with a little blue sapphire in the center.

So now there's Star Wars thrown into this? Because why the fuck not?

I just want to take the opportunity to bring a small detail to attention.

QUOTE
Everyone laughed at this and started to party; the food was good, Alex ate hamburgers and hotdogs like crazy. Since the day he was allowed to eat solid food again, he didn’t stop eating all kinds of meat and strangely drinking lots of coffee and sodas.


QUOTE
After a good meal with lots of bacon and soda,


Don’t you love when, between all the fantasizing about parkour and martial arts, some aspect of the author’s real life leaks over the story?

Hey, what's wrong with eating lots of bacon? It's delicious.

Inside the envelope, there was a piece of paper which Alex took and started to read it:

“Alex my Friend, I hope you enjoy my gift, you have shown us so many beautiful things about your world, now let me show you how we see our world. This pendant is very special, only an alicorn is capable to make one. Be warned, when you wear it for the first time, be sure to be alone and stand in front of a mirror, it’s a surprise I know you will like, and please, DON’T PANIC, the last one (A Griffin) to wear one many centuries ago, almost died from a heart attack.”

...you mean Peter Griffin wound up in Equestria, and wore a pendant that turned him into a pony?

As much as I don't like Family Guy, I wouldn't mind seeing that, if only for a laugh or two.


Why the fuck doesn’t she explicitly tell him what does that shit do? Why do we have to endure all this pseudo-suspense bullshit?

“. . . . . Ok?”

Alex went immediately to his room, closed every window and stood in front of a mirror. He put on the pendant and then he started to feel something strange was happening to his body, a warm sensation that didn’t hurt, he felt his face and nose growing bigger, he wanted to look at himself on the mirror but a bright light emanating from the pendant blinded him! The bright light lasted for a couple of second. After the light disappeared, Alex found himself lying on the floor, unable to see anything; he tried to stand up but couldn’t keep his balance, he was about to fall full face on the floor but his powerful front legs stopped it from happening. He was feeling comfortable standing on his new four “legs”. He felt warm, like having a full fur costume all around his body, with so many questions in his mind, he slowly started to open his eyes and tried to look at the mirror, thanks to Luna’s warning he was able to hold himself together and not to scream, what he saw in the mirror was so unreal… the magic of the pendant turned him into a pony!. . .but not an earth pony, he was a UNICORN!, he immediately noticed he didn’t look like the ponies of his world. . . it was hard to explain, he was exactly like the stallions of MLP, like a CGI animation, he was cartoonish but at the same time real, “so this is how they’d look like if they came here” it was amazing, he had every Brony and Pegasister’s Holy Grail on his neck. Without a doubt any of them would kill have this pendant in their hands. As if it wasn’t amazing enough, all of his clothes (literally all of it) adapted to his new body. “How is this possible?” He could spend all of his life trying to understand how this worked, but he came to a simple conclusion. . . “MAGIC!”, (Like trying to explain how Twilight’s clothes appeared when she traveled to the other world) his clothes transformation was so precise that even his shorts had a little hole for his tail, a beautiful spiked tail, the same color as his black spiked mane, his fur color was mustard, not too yellowish like Fluttershy’s and not to orange like Applejack. And on top of that, after removing his shorts, he could see his very own CUTIE MARK! It was the assassins’ insignia with wings on the sides, (maybe it represented True Justice, Flying Justice or something like that, anyway who cared what it symbolizes “it looks really cool!”)

WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT WRITING LARGE WALLS OF TEXT EARLIER?!?!

That aside, holy shit that has to be the second ugliest pony coloration I have ever seen. The only one that trumps that, is that Zach Larson chump.

I think these kind of character designs are the result of a Brony being aware he’s watching a children’s show while also being insecure about his masculinity. Notice how most of them have traits that you could describe as “badass”. Darker colors like black, blood red and brown. Names that include words such as lightning, thunder, flare, blaze, blade, sword, etc. Elaborate Cutie Marks often depicting weapons. Special talents geared towards violence, like close combat, fencing, ability to throw fireballs, etc.



Your grammar may have improved, yet your drawing skills haven't.

WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOUR FAAAAAAACE?!

“Oh Damn!!! This is Awesome!”

Alex tried to walk, but immediately fell on the floor, he stood up and fell again.

“Ok. . . this is not what I was expecting.”

Credit to the author for not having his self-insert get accustomed to his pony body in just a couple of hours. Then again, the whole training thing was just all telling and no showing, so it’s practically the same as nothing.



Alex was smiling and holding his pendant in his hooves.

“Luna. . . . No words or actions will ever be enough to thank you for this, I promise to take good care of this and never let it be in the wrong hands, Ok. . . I need a little more practice moving with this new body, but for now. . . . I think it’s time to start practicing a little MAGIC!”

Good! Why don't you start off by creating some whiskey out of thin air?

I wish he did. Honestly, when you realize everything that happens on this story is to facilitate the self-insert getting a blowjob, shit becomes really boring. I mean, why else would be gain the power to become a pony if not for everybody else to “ooh” and “ahh”? Especially Fluttershy, whom I bet my left testicle is going to comment how handsome he looks.

Alex continued reading the piece of paper:

“IN CASE YOU TURN INTO A UNICORN”

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////

CRISTAL PALACE

Everypony was in Celestia’s bedroom listening Twilight’s story and the adventures on the other world. After she finished her story everypony was shocked, Rarity was the one to break the ice:

“So. . . are you telling us you became a human? Like our darling friend Alex??”

“Yes Rarity, I did”

Oh thank fuck we skipped the Equestria Girls shit!

I’ll take Equestria Girls over this monstrosity any time.

“Wow, tell us darling, how did it feel?”

“To be honest girls, it felt strange. . . I mean, walking on two legs and having hands was really confusing, not to mention the shock of not having my horn and magic”

Rainbow said: “Even so, I think that’s awesome! You saw the world like as Alex did. Amazing!”

“Ok sugarcube, ironically, after everything we have been, through all this time, ah can understand about yah turning in to a human and even visiting their world, but tell me. . . are yah completely sure it wasn’t Alex’s world?”

“Yes Applejack, sadly I’m pretty sure, even though they looked almost exactly like the humans Alex showed us on his computer, I know for sure his humans didn’t have colored skin besides peach and brown tones, I even did a little research and there wasn’t any country called Guatemala there, it seems it was a different Earth, I’ll dare to say it was more like another Equestria considering your humans counterparts”

Hearing this, Princess Celestia said: “It’s exactly what Alex and I were talking about. . .Many worlds are so similar and so different to each other, I’m afraid our possibilities to find HIS world would be like trying to find a needle in a hay loft.”

Feeling a little depressed, Rarity said “I see. . .(sigh) too bad. I’d like to have more news about him, at least to know if he had the funeral he deserved.”

Unfortunately, the fucker got better before I could throw his body into the ocean.

After saying that, everypony went sad, Fluttershy more than everypony else, she covered her face with her mane to not let the others see her tears. More than a month had passed since that horrible day and the wound was still open. Spike looking at this said:

“Girls c’mon, cheer up!, Alex wouldn’t like to see us like this, as he used to tell Fluttershy, he wanted us to be happy, he left this world without regrets, let us make him proud in the afterlife”

“You are right Spike, let’s be happy, after all, we were able to retrieve my Element of Harmony and even made new alien friends, considering everything, I think we should have. . . .”

“A PARTY!” Pinkie Pie said.

Because it's the only thing she does, when she's not imitating Dexter.

“Yeah!” Everypony responded.

While going their way to celebrate, Twilight thought:

“Alex. . . . I’m happy I found more kind humans besides you, I’d really like you to be here with us right now.”

“TWILIGHT!!! ARE YOU COMING??” Asked Pinkie Pie

“uh?. . . oh yes, I’m coming”

HEY GUYS GUYS DIDJA SEE HOW MUCH THE PONIES MISS ME—I MEAN ALEX THEY SURE LOVE HIM SO MUCH!

////////////////////////////////////////////////////

EARTH (two Months later)

Alex was in his home moving lots of stuff inside cardboard and wooden boxes and storing everything in his garage. Many of his neighbors didn’t even ask and quickly lost interest since they all knew him. They thought maybe he was buying some more “gadgets” to use on his “crazy adventures”, but what really caught their attention, was the new truck he just bought; when someone asked him what in the world he would do with a truck, he answered:

“I will make another trip very soon and I need to bring a lot of stuff with me this time, to be honest, I can’t be sure if I’m going to come back soon.”

So he's ditching his friends, just so he can frolic with ponies.

Our protagonist, everyone!


OH, THIS IS MOTHERFUCKING IN THE ASS GREAT! IT’S THE FIRST FUCKING STORY ALL OVER AGAIN! INSTEAD OF EXPLORING THE MYSTERIES AND WONDERS OF EQUESTRIA, WE’RE GOING TO HAVE THE AUTHOR WRITING ABOUT THE SAME SHIT I COULD READ ABOUT ON A FUCKING BEST BUY CATALOGUE. FUCKING GREAT. THIS GUY IS LIKE THOSE IDIOT TOURISTS EVERYBODY MAKES FUN FOR GOING TO THE NIAGARA FALLS AND SPENDING ALL THE TIME ON THEIR FUCKING PHONES.

///////////////////////////////////////////////////////

EQUESTRIA (Carrousel Boutique)

“Happy Birthday Sweetie Bell!!!”

Everypony screamed when she entered the house alongside Rarity. she fell on her back but recovered quickly; she noticed her crusader friends were there, the mane 6, Zecora, Spike, Miss Cherelee and every foal of her class, even Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon. “Well Pinkie Pie never leaves anypony out of a party” she said to herself.

Oh yeah, I forgot Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon were spared from Alex's wrath.

“WHOAAAA, WOW! YOU REALLY SURPRISED ME!!”

WHOA DUDE! I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU PREPARED A SURPRISE PARTY FOR ME EVEN WHEN THAT’S YOUR FUCKING SPECIAL TALENT! WHAT A TWIST!

“That was the idea silly” Pinkie Pie said

“Thanks everypony. . . I mean it!”

“No need to thank Sweetie Bell, yah is our friend and we love yah” Applebloom replied.

“Yeah! Never forget that Sweetie Bell. Now c’mon, let’s party!!” Scootaloo said.



Now that looks like a tasty cake!

If extremely bland looking.

Everypony started to celebrate; the party was great, there was music, dancing, lots of snacks, games and a big cake, everything was perfect. . . at least for everypony except for her. It was a really great party and all, but something was missing, someone was missing. Almost four months had passed but she was still thinking about her big brother, she promised to herself to continue and move on but it wasn’t as easy as planned. She knew he died a hero, saving everypony and her. . . but she really missed him. She was happy and cheerful all the time, but she couldn’t help thinking about him, how she wasn’t even able to say goodbye, not even having a photo of him to remember. She couldn’t help it, and started to share some tears.

Everypony misunderstood her feelings.

“Ohhh, she is so happy she is crying” Pinkie Pie said.

Rarity knew her sister enough to know those weren’t tears of joy, she approached her and asked:

“Sweetie darling. . . what is going on?”

“Nothing. . .nothing. . . really”

Oh fuck off with that big brother shit! The last time I read about a character referring to a self-insert as their brother, was when Nino called Dimitri her brother, in that SovietRussiaMan fic.

Believe me, you do not want to give me flashbacks of that..."author".


“Sweetie Bell. . . please remember I am your sister and I know you enough; you are sad, please tell me what is it. . . . oh! you are thinking about Alex aren´t you?”

(Sweetie Bell nodded)

“Ohhhh Sweetie Bell, come here” Rarity hugged her sister “I know how you want him to be here but you can trust me, he is here with all of us and he is always watching us from Elysium”

“hic. . . hic. . . I know but. . . I miss him too much.”

Someponies and Fillies started to share some tears as well, they didn’t get to know Alex as Sweetie Bell and the Elements did, but they knew how much she loved him and how hard was for her when he died. Applebloom and Scootaloo hugged her too.

“Sweetie bell. . . trust me, we miss him too, he was like a brother to us, (Scootaloo noded) but yer sister is right, he is with us, he loved yah and yah loved him, ah know even in the afterlife he can feel the love yah have for him”

URGH! Cut out this soap opera crap, and get on with it!

Sweetie bell wiped her tears and smiled.

“Thanks Girls, I needed to hear that, you are right! he is with me, with us! Sorry it’s just. . . Sometimes I just need somepony to remind me of that, ok. . . Now lets continue to party!”

Everypony cheered and continued celebrating.

Later, it was time to eat the cake but not before making a wish and blowing the candles.

“Ok Sweetie bell darling, just make a wish and blow them off”

Sweetie Bell thought for a second before smiling and blowing the candles off. Everypony cheered. While the others were eating their slice of cake, Sweetie Bell went out to the balcony, she looked at the stars and the night sky, Applebloom and Scootaloo joined her:

“This party was awesome. . . Pinkie Pie is truly the best of the best” Applebloom said

“Yeah! I hope mine is as good or even better than this one” Scootaloo said, Sweetie and Applebloom rolled their eyes.

Yeah, fuck her for hoping her party is just as good as this one!

“By the way Sweetie Bell, what did yah wish for?”

“That’s a secret. If I tell you, it will not come true”

“That’s true, Ah hope yer wish comes true Sweetie bell”

“I hope so too Applebloom.”

The three of them went back in. Sweetie cried in her heart, as if someone was listening:

“Please. . . please let my wish come true. . . please let me see him just one more time; a ghost; a spirit; an angel, I don’t care. Just… let me say goodbye to my brother.”

FUCK YOU! WE GO BACK AND FORTH FROM READING ABOUT ALEX TO READING ABOUT HOW MUCH THE PONIES MISS ALEX! EVERYTHING’S ALWAYS ABOUT HIM! FUCK YOU IN THE ASS! WHY, GORILLAGAMER? WHY DID YOU HAVE TO AWAKEN THE FURY I HAD FINALLY PUT TO REST AFTER THE LAST STORY? AAAARRRRRGGHHHHH! DASHGUY ANGRY! DASHGUY SMASH! CRUSH PUNY WRITERS AND THEIR SHITTY SELF-INSERTS!

Please forgive me!

//////////////////////////////////////////////

EARTH (now)


“Wow. . .What was that feeling?”

Alex was loading everything inside the truck he was going to use in two days when he felt it, it was something nice and warm, the same feeling when thinking about his sisters Angela and Sweetie Bell. His heart, more determined than ever: “I must go back to Equestria”, he couldn’t fail to go back in two days . . . he just couldn’t.

And we end off our first chapter of Friendship is Life 2: Assassin's Boogaloo. How deep will this rabbit hole go? Only one way to find out...

Have you noticed how we still don’t know the name of this guy’s parents? Just saying.

I have; the author may as well have made Alex and Angela orphans, and have her get killed by some generically evil matron.
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ConcernedGamer


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post Feb 9 2017, 03:37 PM
Sweet merciful fuck, this shitty author, again? The one who I in my nightmares refer to as The King of Ellipses.

Already this sad excuse of a story has trouble picking itself up, insulting me with a few issues.

If he was trying to pretend anyone was surprised by him turning into a pony, he probably shouldn't foreshadow it both with the word 'form' and that he was trying to deal with how 'they' lived like that. Not only that, I don't watch the show nor read fanfics of it, but even I can call out such an obvious cliché.

For a title and intended theme of 'friendship', neither the author nor his self-insert seems to grasp the concept that much. What does his friends do in interacting with this guy? Display mild worry for his health and have a party that ends on the same sentence it starts. No one even cared to show interest and ask him where he had gone before his hospital stay. This is what I'd expect from people who just indulges this guy because he's rich. "Yeah, he was gone for months, doesn't tell us anything, and is leaving again to who knows where, but he's loaded and has a PlayStation, so who cares."

And then there is the eye-rolling subplot along this idiot packing his truck, merely establishing the perfect hole he left behind for himself to fill out again. That's like if I wrote a novel about myself driving home late at night, and I switched to my family members making my bed for me.

The mock is already coming along nicely. Can't wait to see what disaster this fanfic will turn into, once this idiot sits back under that tree, which I suspect pierced a gas pipe to allow him to hallucinate from whatever point his cartoons left him off with his fantasies.


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Dashguy


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post Feb 13 2017, 04:08 AM
Thanks for the comment, ConcernedGamer.

Welcome back to Friendship is Life. In this chapter, Alex attempts to drive a truck into a tree, hopefully joining his family in the process.


It was a beautiful night at the Park. Everything was quiet and peaceful with no one around, except for the crickets and a big truck making its way through the bushes. Alex thanked God that the place was empty. He still had some time left before IT happened.

The guy brought himself a truck, filled it to the brim with shit and is now driving it through a freaking public park in the middle of the night. I don’t know why do I even bother at this point.

He remembered the things he spoke with his friend Steven a few hours ago:

“Alex, are you sure?”

"Yes Steven, I am"

“But you came back just a few months ago and got severely injured. Are you sure you are ready for another trip? You always used to plan your trips several months before going out.”

“That’s true, but I really have to go. I don't have time for any preparations.”

“It's about a girl, isn't it?"

Alex must betray his friends, to make Moe Horse happy.

“What? No, of course not! Well, yes but not the way you think it is. She is like a sister to me.”

A sister that kissed you in the mouth as you were about to die. Incest for the win!

“That may be true, but I feel there is something else. Alex please, you are talking to a Brony who spent almost five months trying to get his Pegasister friend to become his girlfriend. Even if you don’t realize it yet, you have that look in your eyes, the one you have when you are in love.”

It would have been easier to convince her, had she not seen your Rule 34 collection.

“She didn’t get a restraining order, so that counts as being my girlfriend, right?”

“Really? (he blushed a little) Ok, you got me dude. I'm making this trip to see some good friends and “family”. I’d be lying if I don't say I want to see some people more than others, but I am really not sure if I feel something else for her, maybe I do.”

“Ohhhh!, my little friend is in love!”

“Oh come on! I just don’t know man, it’s complicated.”

“Hahahah! Easy dude, I’m teasing you. But seriously, I’m glad you found a girl you like and if she likes you too, just go ahead. I really don’t see the problem.”

“Well, I can’t deny feeling attracted to her, but let just say we are different (a lot different).”

“So, let me get this clear. Besides everything you need to do there, you are also going on this trip to find out how you really feel about her, right?”

Yeah, yeah. Now hurry up with the truck crash, my popcorn's starting to get cold.

“Something like that, I want to know if it could work.”

“Wow! Alex, you really changed. I’d even say you have grown up; don’t get me wrong, We all like the way you are, but sometimes we thought you needed to become more mature. I’m glad to see you have, I don’t know what happened to you during your last trip, but IT made you change.”

You’re not a man until you kill a pony with the knives you made with help from a YouTube video.

“Thanks Steven (I think). I wanted to tell you I’m leaving tonight and I’m not really sure If I will be back any time soon. Everything is set, regular and emergency bank accounts are ready for you to handle, the place is all yours while I'm absent. You do remember what to do if you don’t hear from me in a year, right?”

Is Alex really trusting this chump with all his money?!

I like how the law is completely uninvolved. Guess Guatemala doesn’t have anything like the IRS.

(Steven nodded)

“Good! One more thing, please don’t try to call me. I’m going to a Place where you can’t reach me over the phone or the Internet. But don’t worry, it’s not a dangerous place (most of the time).” Alex said.

“Ok, whatever you say man but, no internet? no phones? Where the heck are you going? Come on! at least tell me that!”

“Ok Steven, you really want to know where am I going?”

“Yes.”

“I’m going to Equestria and the girl I feel something about is no other than Fluttershy.”

They both looked at each other, Steven stared at Alex for a few seconds before exploding with laughter.

“Hahahahahaha nice one dude! nice one!”

*GASP!* How dare you mock the love of Alex and Moe Horse!

“Yeah! (I'm glad you took it that way Steven, and not thinking I'm crazy). I just had to say it. Anyway, I'm sorry but I can't tell you anything else.”

“Well, that’s too bad but, hey! I have known you for so many years. Sometimes you need to keep some
secrets to yourself. Anyway, I wish you a good trip.”

They hugged each other and then Alex got in his truck.

“Alex! Before you go, just know one thing”

“yes?”

“We care about you Alex, and we noticed how you have been in a low mood since you returned, I feel it’s because you miss the friends you have back "there", but I also notice how your face changes when you talk about that girl and this place you want to go back to. I think she is very lucky, It would be really sad, but if she is worth it please stay with her. Because as far as I can see, it looks like bringing her here is not an option. Please be happy Alex, after everything that happened to you, We all think you deserve it.”

Thus giving Alex the excuse to ditch his friends forever. At least Steven has all of Alex's money.

I hate Alex for all the reasons we’ve already mentioned in the previous story, but I also dislike his so-called “friends” too. Because, as Concerned Gamer accurately pointed out, they act like they are more interested in his money, showing the bare minimum concern for his well-being while simultaneously supporting everything he does, no matter how crazy or just plain fucking dumb.

I mean, the guy got himself a truck, filled it with God-knows-what and is going to drive who-knows-where to meet some girl who may like him or not. All of this after he went missing for two whole months, suddenly re-appearing on some hospital with severe wounds. Any sane person would be calling the police, wondering if the guy got brainwashed my some kind of cult. Instead, these guys encourage him, which conveniently coincides with the fact one of them has been left in charge of all of his money.


You raise fairly solid points there. Me personally, I never cared about his friends, due to the fact that they aren't even qualified to be characters.

“Thanks Steven, I somehow needed to hear something like this...

Goodbye."

And here we have the real reason these “friends” exist: to suck his dick, like everything else.

Alex was on his way to the park, but needed to make a stop on a very special place. He parked his truck and brought a bouquet of roses with him. After walking through a beautiful place, he finally reached his destination, three tombstones shinning bright under the moonlight.
“Hi Dad, Mom, Angela."

They still don't have a name! Jumping Jesus on a rusty pogo-stick!

"I’m sorry I haven’t showed up lately but I’ve been kinda busy. I’m sure Angela told you that already. You see, I’m planning to make a long trip to see my pony friends; my other sister and to see HER. I'd give anything to know what you think about it, you know, dating a pony and all. Please don’t get me wrong, even I have my own doubts, she is a pony! I know I can transform into a pony now, but I am still a human and was raised as such. I am supposed to date human girls, there are so many things going on in my head now and I would really like you to help me get my mind clear.

If in the end we are not meant to be together, so be it. A part of me wishes we are. I wanted to say I
love you and goodbye. Well, it all depends on the decisions I make, I may not be able to come here in a very long time, so please be. . . . No! I will not ask you to be proud of me again. Angela made it very clear to me.

I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH AND DON’T WORRY, I WILL TAKE CARE OF MYSELF AS ALWAYS.”

While Alex is talking to his dead family, I would like to point out that Peri is best Fire Emblem waifu of all time.

I admit I haven’t played many games in the Fire Emblem series, save for the one with the girl with her green hair in a ponytail wielding a katana (I liked her character), but anybody who introduces herself with “I'm Peri! P for pulverize, E for eviscerate, R for ruin, and I for impale! Kee hee!” has my approval.

Going back to this “story”, notice how the author still doesn’t write any kind of descriptions for the characters’ gestures, actions, etc. He just goes ahead and plasters the freaking dialogue like a damn cue card.


A little backtracking here, but I believe the Fire Emblem game you're talking about, is Fire Emblem: Rekka no Ken/Blazing Blade. The character you mentioned was Lyn, one of the main protagonists of the game. Considering how Blazing Sword was the game that got me into the franchise, it holds a special place in my heart.

Alex said a little prayer and then went back to his truck. As soon as he turned his back on their graves, he felt small warm hand on his shoulder and a breeze on his hair, it made him feel the same as when they were together. He didn't even turn around. He let his tears come out and smiled:

"Thank you Dad, Mom and Angela. Please keep on watching me until we meet again.”

The feeling went away, as he walked back to his truck. He wasn’t sure of many things but one:

The nightmares were now over!.

How’s the saying? Easy comes, easy goes?



Why is his hand over his crotch...?

And what’s that thing on his face? Did a bird shit on him? By the way, I love how he can’t even bother to draw Mom and Dad. Between their lack of names and this shit, I’m picturing them like the Mom and Dad from “Cow & Chicken”; in this case, a pair of disembodied, floating arms.

---

EQUESTRIA


The Mane 6 and Spike were having a nice lunch at Hoofdonalds before going to the park to see the last Meteor Shower of the year. Suddenly Pinkie Pie found herself smiling, it was her Pinkie sense. She had this warm feeling as tears went down her cheek. Noticing, Spike asked:

“Whoa! What was that Pinkie?”

She smiled like she used to do before Alex´s death and kept staring at the roof while smiling.

“Pinkie? Are you ok?”

“Oh! sorry, this feeling, my Pinkie Sense. This “combo” is very rare and I love it when it happens.”

"You mean the chocolate-coated vibrator?"

"Yes."


Good old chocolate. Is there anything we can’t mix you with?

“Why Pinkie Pie? Can you please tell us why you like it that much?”

“It love it because it means that soon I will see somepony special to me. Somepony I haven’t seen in a long time. Maybe it'll be my sister Maud, that would be great!”

The fun thing about Pinkie Pie’s “Pinkie Sense” is that it doesn’t make a lick of sense. For example, her tail twitching indicates stuff is going to start falling and an itchy back means it’s her lucky day. The combos are even more ridiculous, with stuff like ear flop, eye flutter and knee twitch meaning “look out for opening doors”. Here, her combos are terribly mundane, without mentioning clichéd. “My heart aches, my body trembles and I’m crying! Something bad is going to happen to somebody I like!” No fucking shit, Sherlock! Why don’t you go join the club of little girls in horror movies who have premonitory nightmares?

Wow. Thanks for the handy info!

“We are happy for you Pinkie darling, now let’s finish our food, the Meteor Shower will start in a few minutes!”

“Ok!” Everypony agreed.

After arriving at the park, Princess Celestia and Luna from Canterlot used a powerful spell so everypony could hear them around Equestria:

They have their royal voice thingy, why bother using up magic when they already have the necessary equipment.

“CITIZENS OF EQUESTRIA, WE ARE GLAD TO SEE ALL OF YOU HERE IN ORDER TO WITNESS THE METEOR SHOWER. AS YOU KNOW, THIS WILL BE THE LAST ONE OF THE YEAR SO IT WILL LAST A LITTLE LONGER THAN THE PREVIOUS ONES. PLEASE ENJOY IT!”

At that moment, Princess Celestia and Luna's horns started to glow, everypony could feel their powerful magic all around Equestria. As they looked up, the meteors started crossing the sky.

Spike remembered how he met his best friend Alex after a meteor shower like this:

“Alex, I hope you are looking at this wonderful show from above the heavens.”

And then a truck falls out of the sky, crushing everyone into a pancake!

THE END.


---

Alex was still away from the Oak tree. He felt nervous that someone was around to see what was about to happen. All of a sudden, like the first time he went to Equestria, the Oak tree started to glow. Alex saw this from the distance, he stepped on the gas and headed right into it:

"I only have twenty seconds!"



Proportions, what's wrong with them?! Why is the truck twice as big as the tree?

Was this scene really worthy of a visual representation? Why not the farewell with his friends?

Everything was according to the plan, except for one thing; he didn’t expect the uneven ground on the park. The truck was moving as fast as it could. He couldn't stop, no time to hesitate. He kept stepping on the gas, it had to work! Otherwise, crashing against the Oak tree at that speed would be fatal. It was either Equestria or Jail (in case he survived the crash).

He kept driving but it was too late, the time was up. He felt as if a dagger stabbed his heart, he couldn't believe it: Everything he hoped for: Equestria, his friends, his sister and HER! It was all gone!

Oh well, there's plenty of bronies Moe Horse could date.

The last time he got transported to Equestria when he fell asleep under the tree. Why does he have to charge it at full speed now? Why not just park the truck next to it and wait?

He was about to stop the truck but noticed that the light was there! The tree was still glowing!

“What the Hell?!"

"Its lasting longer than before!"

With renewed faith and hopes, he kept driving, full speed. Until he finally reached it. The light was painfully blinding but he didn’t care. As soon as he passed through the light, he found himself driving in a forest. He stopped immediately. Luckily, he didn’t hit any tree or ran over any creatures.

Thank goodness he didn't kill any creatures. Otherwise that would have been a conflict, and conflict is bad in these stories.

He turned his head to see the tree behind him but it was no longer glowing. He took a look around and immediately recognized the place:

THE EVERFREE FOREST!

---


I’m not saying he should end up in the middle of a freaking volcano, but a bit of adventure would be nice. Maybe end up in some remote town where you have to drive back to Ponyville, all while stopping on the road to help those in need.

After the Meteor Shower was over and everypony was heading back home, Fluttershy heard something long in the distance, it was like the sound of a train engine. It was coming from the Everfree Forest:

"Oh my! what was that sound?"

Too scared to go check by herself, she decided to let it be.

"It was probably my imagination!".

However, she couldn’t stop staring at the forest with a smile on her snout.

WHY? MACHINES EXIST IN EQUESTRIA! CONSTRUCTION EQUIPMENT! THE FLIM FLAM BROTHERS CIDER MAKING THINGY! WHY DOES EVERYBODY HAS TO HAVE THESE CONSTANT “FEELINGS”?

...

Pinkie Pie was on her bed when she started to feel the same “combo” she felt before:

"Chocolate-coated vibrator, here I come!"

“I know that somepony special is here! In Equestria; Ponyville; Canterlot or Fillydelphia. But where are you?”

---

"This was awesome!" Alex said. He was able to come back to Equestria. The forest was obviously the same: "How much can a forest change after four months?".

There weren't any creatures around when he arrived, maybe they were sleeping or got scared. Alex wanted so much to run to Ponyville and see everypony but he knew he wasn’t exactly in a friendly territory. Maybe the manticores wouldn’t be a problem, if they remembered him. However, the

Timberwolves or some other creatures were still a danger. He went back into his truck and started driving
to the Sister’s Old castle.

Yeah...that wasn't me. That was in the original fic.

First, it’s the “Castle of the Two Sisters”. Second, again with the same fucking shit as the previous story! How many chapters will be have to wait until the makes his presence known to the ponies? Four? Five? Does the author know what “pacing” means? Is somebody holding a gun to his fucking head and forcing him to write a certain number of chapters per story?

Oh...you caught on to one of this stories biggest flaws.

"I hope none of the stuff I brought got broken" He said.

He wasn’t sure of many things but one...

HE WAS HAPPY TO BE BACK!

I’m happy too. See how happy I am? I’m so happy. Wee.

I've always wanted to ask this question, since it's been bugging me a bit. In all of the fics you've mocked, there have been OC's who end up getting shipped with Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Rarity. I haven't seen a fic where the self-insert is paired with either Applejack or Pinkie Pie. Is there a reason for that?

This is not to say that there aren't stories where Applejack or Pinkie are the "love interest", but I think it has to do with the characters' personalities. I mean, Fluttershy is the closest thing you have to an actual "waifu"; kind, caring, loving, soft spoken, etc. Twilight is close second with her "cute, nerdy girl" persona. In the case of RD and Rarity, I've seen a lot of stories that pair them with some kind of "badass" protagonist, often a soldier. For RD, this means turning into a delicate flower that needs to be saved. For Rarity, I think the appeal lies of the contrast between paring a classy lady with a rough and tumble, badass dude. At least this is what I can tell you from my experience.
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Dashguy


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post Feb 15 2017, 04:06 AM
Here's a little fun fact in regards to this chapter. The author originally intended to have his ponyfied OC met up with the Mane 6 in one chapter, but due to a lack of time, he split it up into two chapters.

“Due to a lack of time”? What the fuck does that even mean? Again, was somebody pointing a gun at his head when he wrote this? Is he getting paid for it? This is just like those people who apologize for their atrocious grammar with “I posted it from my phone”. Fuck you, there’s absolutely no fucking reason, beyond the gun one, you couldn’t have done a couple of re-checkings before posting it, you lazy assclown.

After coming back to Equestria by going through the light on the Oak Tree, Alex managed to bring some stuff in a truck he hid inside a cave near Sister's Old Castle. He was so tired from what happened that he decided to unload these things on the next day.

How convenient the Everfree Forest has roads and a big enough cave for a large truck to traverse and park comfortably.

He entered the Castle and went straight into his old room. It hadn't changed at all, everything was still there in its place, as there were also the memories from the last time he was in Equestria. Thinking about all of these, he went to sleep. On the next morning, Celestia's Sun was shinning as bright as always, everything was warm and calm. Despite all of the things he went through in Equestria, Alex still missed the place: "Everything is so peaceful and calm here, I wish it was the same back on Earth".

What with all TEH EVUL war and terrorism and bullies and thieves and and....

You’re inside an abandoned castle in the middle of a fucking forest, of course it’s gonna be peaceful and calm, you absolute cretin.

After having some breakfast, he went back to the cave and got ready to unload the things he brought with him. It would be a difficult task if it wasn't for Luna and the detailed explanation about basic Equestrian magic she gave him:

It’s fucking magic, you don’t have to explain it.

"Alex, there are three basic types of magic in Equestria: Telekinesis, Written Spells and Spell Casting:

Telekinesis is based on the user's determination, focus and will power. Somepony using Telekinesis has to clear the mind and focus on the object they want to move.

The second one, Written Spells. is performed by reading a magical spell written by a powerful magic user. It doesn't require to much from the one reading it, besides from the knowledge of what the spell will do in order to avoid desastruous consequenses.

Much like how a spell check is used to avoid 'desastruous' spelling mistakes.

The last one is the most difficult of the three, Spell Casting. It is not necessary for the user to recite the name of the spell they are casting. Instead, it is required to learn and memorize somethings we call RUNES. By thinking on different runes you can "cast" powerful spells that vary depending on the runes you are focusing on and the order you give them. Knowing their exact meaning and order is necessary for you to get the desired results, otherwise the spell will simply not work or worse, it might end up back-firing.

Some ponies have a natural talent for casting spells, like Rarity using her Gem Finder Spell or Shinning Armor and his Force Field Spell. We do not know everything about magic yet, for it seems it has its own favorite users (Twilight is a very good example of this).

Alex, please keep in mind that emotions are very important when using magic, if a heart is in peace and harmony, the spells will feel the same. But if the one casting a spell has a corrupted heart or is full of hate, the spell will be dangerous and destructive.

...I have no knowledge on how magic works in the show, so I can't say if what he's writing is right or wrong.

All this stuff about runes is bullshit the author came up with, probably in an attempt to make this piece of literary turd look more interesting or complex. The actual show doesn’t delve much in the actual workings of magic. What little we know comes mostly from Twilight. Stuff like saying a certain spell needs concentration or that she has to have an object in her line of sight in order to break a spell over it. Or this line: “magic is something you study and practice. It only happens when you decide to do it, and it's meant to make something specific that you choose to happen, happen”. The same goes for dark magic. There is a mention of “hate and fear” when Celestia does a demonstration of it, but nothing conclusive. In short, magic simply does whatever the plot needs.

The medallion I gave you, will let you canalize magic just like everypony else in Equestria, please take good care of it."

While reading these things Alex, remembered how Twilight used a Written spell in the third season finale or how Celestia and Twilight were able to use Dark Magic without any problems, "maybe there is a way to fool one's own mind into thinking it is corrupted so Dark Magic can be used", not that he wanted to use Dark Magic anytime soon but he was curious about it.

If you didn't want to use dark magic, then why ponder whether you can corrupt your mind enough to use it?

Because he’s going to use it at some point, I bet. Probably when one of the bad guys threatens his waifu. You know how these dorks love the “dark and edgy alter ego that comes out in times of extreme stress” trope.

Ah yes...I remembered encountering this trope in The Tenth Shadow.

Luckily, Luna’s explanation included a lot of "runes" for him to learn and memorize so he could cast different spells:

"Teleportation, Gem Finder, Force Field, Moustache Growing...

Moustache Growing? hahahaha! Thank you Luna, I guess."

It was a freaking joke on a single damn chapter, you comedy impaired imbecile.

Bringing the boxes out of his truck and moving them into Sister's Old Castle was an easy task thanks to the detailed instructions Luna gave him on her letter. Alex was very impressed on how easy it was for him to learn to use Telekinesis, he became a true "professional" after practicing every single day during a month. Even though he suffered from painful headaches during the first week, they disappeared as he kept on practicing. He also practiced some other spells and how to use the runes written on Luna's letter.

"Memorizing this runes reminds me of Naruto's hand positions" - Alex thought.

Thank you for reminding me on how much of a massive dork you are.

Alex remembered the night he tried to use a Teleportation Spell. To make it work, he had to memorize six diferent runes. In theory, it wasn't that hard, but doing it while focusing all of his magic in his horn and thinking on the place he wanted to go to was very dificult. He focused on every single rune and the order he had to use them. When he was done, he was able to teleport but instead of going into his living room as he wanted, he ended up floating some meters above his dinner table; the noise he made when he fell on it was so loud that it woke up one of his neighbors. Fearing that he would come looking for him, Alex took off his pendant, immediately turning into human again.

"Sorry for making so much noise! I just came to my kitchen looking for a glass of water and endded up breaking some dishes." He told his neighbor who was already near his kitchen window trying to see what had happened.

"I just hope you are ok son, I better go back to sleep now." - His neighbor said.

Thus solving the conflict of the broken dishes.

Didn’t this guy live in a mansion alone? Where did this neighbor come from?

The same place where his relatives come from.

Alex thought it would be better not to use that spell again. At least, not without enough practice.

"Twilight makes it look so easy, she must be a genius!"

One who spent most of her life studying. Not that you would know anything about that.

Once Alex was done moving every box into the biggest room in the Castle, he sealed the entrance with rocks. He hand't realized how late it was, it took him almost all of the day to finish the job. Feeling tired, possibly because of using Telekinesis during most of the day, made him want to sleep.

"I hope my friends like the gifts I brought for them!" He said before closing his eyes.

Aww. Gag me with a rusted spoon.

PONYVILLE (SugarCube Corner)

Pinkie Pie having everything ready for a party at her place. There were lots of balloons, board games, snacks and music,. Seeing this, Mrs Cake said:

“Pinkie dear, why are you preparing a party? You met somepony new today?”

“Nope, its not a somepony new. My Pinkie Sense showed me that will see somepony special to me that I haven´t seen in a while.”

“Oh! Ok. If your Pinkie sense says so, then continue dear. I hope it’s a good pony.”

“Trust me! If it was a meanie ponie, my Pinkie Sense wouldn´t be like this.”

“Ok Pinkie Pie, I won´t make you waste your time anymore. Save me some cake.”

“Okidokilokie”

Such invigorating dialogue...

Pinkie Pie? Preparing a party? What kind of sorcery is this!?

-----

Everything was set, it was the time. Alex was ready to go to Ponyville and see everypony again. He wanted so much to let them know he was still ALIVE! However, he needed to make sure everything was alright (He had killed a pony and didn´t know how everypony felt about it. How would Princess Celestia and Luna feel about it?)

Considering that it was Blueblood you killed, they would throw you a party, and suck your dick.

He put on his magical pendant and immediately transformed into a Unicorn, his clothes changed with him as well. He had some doubts about using his clothes, but not using them would leave his Cutie Mark exposed and would blow up his cover.

You know what else would blow your cover? Those distinctive clothes you're wearing.

So much for friendship that he’s got to disguise himself and check everything is to his liking before appearing.

“I still don´t feel THAT comfortable going around butt-naked anyways.”

He needed some Bits or Gems to buy some supplies so he used Rarity´s Gem Finder Spell, even though he used it for the first time, he was still able to find some Gems before getting tired for using magic.

After walking for a while, he finally arrived to Ponyville. Alex was a little nervious about being recognized, but he managed to pull himself together: “I don´t look like a human being anyways…” The memories of everything that happened in Ponyville were still fresh, he had so many questions in his mind. What would they tell him after finding out he wasn´t dead? How to apologize for killing Blueblood? He took control of his emotions and kept on walking.

I admit I’m interested in the second question. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure the ponies aren’t going to hold a grudge towards him for killing Blueblood. I just want to see what will they say once he apologizes. “You had no choice”? “He deserved it”? “I would’ve killed him myself”?

Everypony was doing their usual stuff: buying, selling, going to work, even the little ponies were runing around. It seemed as if nothing bad had happened in Equestria.



*Ahem* WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR FACE?!

Did I do it right?


Make sure you add some extra AAA on “face”next time. Also, is he really wearing sneakers?

He was so happy to be there that he couldn´t notice somepony getting close to him from behind. Equestria´s best party planner, one of his best friends, Pinkie Pie was right next to him!

“I have never seen you before”

Alex´s heart stopped beating for a moment, he turned around and saw her. The same look in her eyes! The same bright smile he loved! He wanted so much to tell her who he was and hug her, but he couldn´t do it. Not yet.

WHY? EVEN THE TROGLODYTE FROM “THE HUMAN CHRONICLES” APPEARED BEFORE THE PONIES AS SOON AS HE SET A FOOT BACK INTO EQUESTRIA? WHY DO WE HAVE TO ENDURE THIS BULLSHIT?

I think I can answer this.

You see, Toby reappeared in order to defeat some random dragon that was causing chaos in Ponyville. His actions make sense, given how much of a cocky musclehead Toby was. Alex here, prefers to stay hidden from the ponies. Why? Either he's waiting for another Diamond Dog attack, or he's attempting to blend in the crowd, just like in Assassin's Creed.


You have learned well, GorillaGamer.

“Girl, you are smarter than you look!”

Yeah, I’m sure it’s that and not the fact you’re dressed like a complete buffon.

“Thanks!. . . Uh? Where have I heard that? I remember! By any chance, do you know a donkey called Cranky?

Eh? Who's Cranky?

Cranky Doodle Donkey. Like his name implies, he’s a cranky donkey that rejected Pinkie’s friendship when he first arrived to Ponyville on the episode “A Friend in Deed”, until she helped him find her long, lost love. I think the moral of the episode was that some people just need to get laid.

You mean people like the author?

Touché.

“Nope”

“Ok! Here, have this!”

Alex took a coupon from Pinkie´s hooves and stared at it.

“That’s a coupon for a free cupcake at Sugar Cube Corner. The place I work in, you can exchange it after three pm. Please be there on time, ok?”

“(Thank you Pinkie, I know what this all about. I Know you that much)” Alex said to himself. “Really? Thanks Pinkie Pie, I’ll be there at 3:00 pm, I promise!”

Pinkie pie smiled and left him. She then wanted to tell everypony else about the surprise party she had prepared for the somepony special she had just met. But then she realized:

“Mmm I never told him my name. He is a psychic! I WILL HAVE A PSYCHIC FRIEND, YAY!”

*yawn* Thank god the author split this chapter up into two, otherwise I would have been bored to death.

Good point.

Alex was so happy to know that his friend had prepared a “suprise party” for him. After reaching the town´s market he saw some of his friends: Derpy, Mr. Cake, Rose and Colgate. Everypony was looking so happy!



Applebloom looks like she's holding in a massive fart.

What? Oh, sorry. I was distracted by how MASSIVELY DORKY this guy looks.

He also saw Applejack and Applebloom selling their famous apples, he got close to them and said:

“Hello Miss and little cutie.”

“Howdy Sir. Ah can see yah are not from here. What brings yah to our humble little town?”

"Just want a taste of that sweet, pony pussy."

“Just passing by, however I couldn´t allow myself missing the chance to taste one of your famous Sweet Apple Acrees` Apples!”

Applejack blushed a little before answering:

“Yikes! that’s sweet from yah Mr. . . .?”

“Mmm, Axel. Yeah! Thas my name AXEL! (Is that the best you could think of Alex?)”



“Ok Mr. Axel, how many apples would yah like?”

“It depends Miss, do you accept Gems as payment?”

“Bits or Gems are fine sugarcube!”

“Great!”

Alex bought some apples from Applejack and paid with Gems.

“Thank yah very much! Hope to see yah later!” – Applejack said.

You know she says the same to every Customer, don’t you?

Alex nodded, he turned around so he could leave but noticed Applebloom standing infront of him. She was looking at him a little confused.

“What is it little girl? Something on my face?”

“No sir. It’s just that… Have we met before?”

“. . . (Kids in here are smarter than adults)

I don't know why, but I have a sudden urge to punch the authors nose in.

No sweetie, I don’t think so!”

“Oh! ok, sorry, it’s just that yah remind me of somepony else, ah can’t really tell.”

“I see. Well, Trust me on this one, we haven’t met before. See you around!”

Alex left Applebloom and Applejack behind. They kept looking at him until he was out of sight.

“He seems nice, don’t yah think Applejack?”

“Yeah sugarcube, he seems very nice.” Applejack said, with a strange look in her eyes.

“Something wrong sis?”

“Nothing is wrong Applebloom. He seems so nice and everything but…”

“But what Applejack?”

“Nothing! Just forget it.”

“Ok! Look Applejack, more customers!”

Both sisters continued selling more of their delicious apples, but Applejack couldn´t stop thinking:

“(Besides telling the truth about my apples, he lied on everything else. Even his name…

Yet you didn't call him out on it?! What's wrong with you?!

Who are you Axel?)

Let’s set aside the fact the guy has the lying prowess of a five years-old, who cares? Is there any laws that forbids ponies from not using their real names? What if he’s just some idiot tourist? Again, why does everybody has to have these “special feelings” or suspicions or some other shit?
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Post #5
Dashguy


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post Feb 21 2017, 03:46 AM
Welcome to Chapter 4...or to be more accurate, Chapter 3.5. Here we'll see our least favorite assassin meet up with the rest of the ponies.

As Alex continued walking through Ponyville, he decided to visit one of his friends.

He arrived at Carousel Boutique, everything was the same there: beautiful pony clothing, jewelry, accessories, etc. he kept on walking inside the Boutique marveled by everything at sight, that was when he saw the hoods; like the one he used, they even had the assassins logo on them:

I see Rarity is attempting to cash in on the Assassin's Creed craze.

It would be genuinely funny if she did that purely for money reasons. That aside, I can’t imagine how utterly freaking out of place those hoods must look among all the expensive dresses.

“What is this?” Alex thought.

He still couldn´t believe his eyes, all the details, it was an exact copy of HIS hood. Suddenly, a voice broke the silence:

“Hello and welcome to Carousel Boutique where everything is unique and magnifique. What can I do for you?”

“I am actually just looking at the place lady.” Alex replied.

“Please call me Rarity darling, Rarity.”

“Oh, ok. Lady Rarity”

Her eyes widened after hearing him tell her name in that tone.

“Is it something wrong Lady Rarity?” Alex asked.

“Not at all. I just… What can I do for you?” The tone of Alex´s voice was still inside her head.

It’s going to be the same for all of them, isn’t? “Oh, what’s this feeling in my chest after interacting with this mysterious stranger?” Blergh.

“Well, I´m new here and as I was walking around Ponyville I heard everypony say that the things you sell in this store are the best in Equestria. So I just came by to see if I something would catch my attention and surely everything did. So you are looking at your new customer.”

Nice to see that his fake compliments are back. I'd almost missed them. Almost.

Rarity blushed after hearing this.

Let’s not forget the intense blushing.

“Well, thank you darling. I like that idea as well.”

“Ok! See you later lady.” Alex said with a smile.

“Please just call me Rarity darling.”

What’s the point of calling yourself her “new customer” if you’re not going to buy anything?”

As soon as Alex left the place, Sweetie Bell came down stairs, she was still sleepy.

“Sister, who were you talking to?”

“It was a new pony I just met. A true gentlecolt I must say, his name was..., oh! I didn´t ask his name. I´m so silly!”

“Yes you are!” Sweetie Bell said.

*AUDIENCE LAUGHTER*

Alex arrived at Golden Oaks Library, he knocked the door and then a Royal Canterlot voice came from the inside:

“FOR THE LAST TIME PINKIE! THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A PSYCHIC, STOP ASKING ME THAT!”

Bu-bu-but how would I be able to take out Fighting-Type Pokemon?!

Alex rememberd how Twilight was able to use THAT voice as she was a princess now.

“Excuse me lady, but I am not Pinkie.”

The library doors opened to show a beautiful Alicorn inside.

“I´m so sorry, I thought you were a friend of mine!” She said.

“You don´t need to worry, are you Princess Twilight Sparkle?” Alex asked while bowing.

“Yes, but please just call me Twilight and it is not necessary for you to bow before me. I am a regular pony, just like everypony else!”

“I can accept calling you Twilight but I must still bow before you princess.

And where was this courtesy during the 'Celestia was a meanie-pants' arc in the first story?

I dunno, but all this bullshit about pretending not to know them is genuinely starting to piss me off. I mean, give me a shitty fight against a monster or a poorly written sex scene, but for the love of everything pure and good in the world, don’t freaking bore me.

You see, I am new here and I was meeting the place so I just wanted to come visit this famous library.”

“Do you like to read?” Twilight asked.

“Yes I do! History books and novels.”

“I’m glad to hear that. Please come inside!”

“Thank you Twilight.” He said.

Twilight showed him where the history books and novels were. While he was looking at them, she offered him a cup of tea and apologized for using her Canterlot voice a little earlier. After having a short conversation she wrote all of his information on a library card if he decided to come back again (of course she didn´t know all this information was fake).

So he's giving her false information, including his name, place of residence, and age?

Here's hoping he gets caught, and his ass gets thrown in jail.


The author should be dragged into the street and shot in the ass for the crime of wasting our fucking time.

Alex was about to leave the place, he didn’t turn his back on Twilight so he was walking backwards for the door, he couldn´t notice spike running towards him. Spike was carrying some books so he couldn´t see Alex either. When Alex finally turned around, it was too late. He couldn´t avoid the little dragon from crashing against him. They both felt on the ground.



OUCH! I don't think legs are supposed to bend that way...

I can’t get over my head how fucking ridiculous those sneakers look on him.

“I´m so sorry mister!” Spike said.

“My name is Axel. And it’s ok; it was definitely my fault for walking backwards. What is your name little dragon?” Alex asked.

“I am Spike, the only DRAGON in Ponyville, Princess Twilight´s number one assistant”

Wasn't his position as number one assistant, taken by an owl?

Eh, not really. Spike thinking he was getting replaced was the driving force beyond the episode’s conflict, but nothing beyond that. Basically, Owlowiscious takes to help Twilight during the night, when Spike goes to sleep.

Ah, I see.

“Well, it was nice to meet you!” Alex replied while looking at Spike right into his eyes.

“…you?” Spike was staring at him, with a strange look on his face.

“Is it everything ok little friend?” Alex asked.

“Yeah! It’s nothing, I´m just feeling a little confused because of crashing against you, that’s all!”

Alex helped him pick up the books and taking them into the library.

“You know, - Spike said – 4 months have passed since a good friend of mine…”

“A friend of yours…?” Alex asked, feeling sad for the little dragon.

“Well, don’t worry. I don’t want to trouble you with my things.”

“I understand. It was nice to meet you both Twilight and Spike, I hope we meet again.”

“See you later Axel.” They both said.

Did this shit genuinely deserve a whole fucking chapter?

Alex continued walking around Ponyville and came across BonBon’s Candy Shop. He approached the place only to find it closed. A note was hanging on the door “I’m still travelling with Lyra, the Shop will be closed for at least two more weeks”.

Oh thank fuck Lyra's not here!

Praise the lawd!

After reading this note, Alex realized it was almost three pm, so he started his way to Sugarcube. He had walked just a few meters when he heard a familiar voice:

“Watch out!”



DAMMIT RAINBOW DASH! You were supposed to crash into the idiot!

I can't believe I'm missing his human form.

Thanks to his reflexes, he was able to jump aside and avoid getting hit by a Rainbow Mane Cyan Pegasus who landed heavily on the ground. He quickly helped her stand up. Still confused by the impact, she said:

“Wow! Thank Celestia you were fast enough to dodge me. I’m sorry about that, I was flying here for the party but lost control and almost hit you!”

If you only knew Rainbow Dash from reading this kind of garbage, you would be excused for thinking she’s under some kind of curse that makes her crash against every new character that arrives to Ponyville.

“It's ok miss!” Alex replied with a little smile on his face.

“Miss? I’m no Miss! Well, I am, but I am better known as Rainbow Dash THE FASTEST FLYING PEGASUS IN EQUESTRIA!”

TOP CUNT

“Oh! I see. So you are Rainbow Dash the winner of the Young Flying Competition? Wow! Indeed you are the fastest and the most awesome Pegasus in Equestria!”

“Thank you – Rainbow Dash said – I think you meant the most awesome PONY in Equestria.”

“Well, I meant to say pegasus, because The Most Awesome Pony in Equestria tittle is already taken”

“Taken? And who is that?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Me!” Alex said in a serious tone.

The worst part is that, at least in this story, he's right.

“Yeah? You wish! but I must say, I like your optimism. Maybe we should hang out some time and have a little competition as well. What do you say?”

“Anytime Skittles!” Alex answered.

Mmmmm...Skittles.

“Skittles? What?!” She exclaimed.

“Nothing! Never mind, let’s just hurry up for the party, it is about to begin!”

”Ok lets go, but you know, I shouldn’t have mentioned a party. You see, it was planned for you and if YOU don’t look surprised the one who planned it will be kind of sad, so can you please pretend not to know everything YOU know about the party?” She asked him.

Her only character trait is to throw parties and she does that for everybody living here, but she gets sad if they expect it?

“It’s ok Rainbow Dash, but only because you ask me, and I don’t want anypony to be sad” (it’s funny because I had to pretend anyways) Alex thought.

A fucking welcoming party.

The most overused cliche in these H.I.E stories. At least it's more bearable than EARTH AN TEH HOUMANZ ARE TEH EVUL!


Rainbow Dash smiled and then opened the door for him. At that moment, everypony inside screamed:

“SURPRISE!”

Alex, pretending not to know anything, fell on his back as if scared for what just happened, Pinkie Pie ran to him and help him up: “Great! We did it! He was really surprised!”

Alex was amazed by the amount of ponys that were inside the place.

Yeah...I'm amazed by the large amount of invisible ponies in the room.

“Welcome! It’s me Pinkie Pie. We had met before remember? I gave you a coupon for a free cupcake and told you to be here at three o’clock. I had prepared this special party for you because I always make parties for my new friends. Would you like to be my friend? Please be my friend!” Pinkie Pie said

Pinkie Pie got close to him and whispered in his hear “We will be special friends, because I know your secret!”

Alex froze when he heard that, he managed to pull himself together and asked: “Do, do you know it? Aren’t you upset I didn’t tell you myself?”

“Why should I be upset. We all have secrets you silly. But you aren’t very good at keeping them.” She answered

Alex looked at her bright eyes. He was really amazed at how easy it was for her to find out who he was.

“I do know your secret! You are a psychic.”

Please don't make him a psychic. The last thing I need is for this jackass to gain special powers.

“What?! Is that my secret? Well, why do you think I’m a psychic?”

“Well, you knew my name without me telling you first.”

“Didn’t you think somepony else could have told me something about you before we met?”

“Nope, I know nopony did. I saw you when you entered the Town and the first Pony to talk to you was me. So please stop denying it, I got you!”

“Yeah! You got me.”

“Yay! I have a psychic friend” Pinkie Pie exclaimed.

Isn’t it amazing how the author of this garbage and Mykan have the same level of humor? Except the later can be entertaining in a “chimp throwing a temper tantrum” kind of way.

I don't think the authors jokes should even qualify as humor...

“Guys, could you please come inside, everypony is waiting to meet Axel” Ranbow Dash told them.

They both laughed, as they hadn’t realized everypony was looking at them. They went into the place and closed the doors behind them.

“HELLO EVERYPONY! THIS IS. . . WHAT KIND OF FRIEND AM I? I DON’T EVEN KNOW HIS NAME!” Pinkie Pie said feeling a little embarrassed.

Didn't you listen to Rainbow Dash?! She just said his name was Axel!

“It’s ok Pinkie Pie, my name is Axel.”

“OK! HELLO EVERYPONY THIS IS MY FRIEND AXEL, HE IS NEW IN PONYVILLE, EVERYPONY PLEASE SAY HELLO AND LETS START CELEBRATING!”

“YAY!” Everypony cheered.

You’re all here for the free food, aren’t you? It’s okay, I can’t blame you for that.

There better be some nachos at the party, cause I'm hungry.

Everypony inside Sugarcube began to celebrate. They were dancing, playing around, eating snacks. Some of them even talked to Alex asking him all kinds of questions. Everypony was there, all the Elements, Spike, but most importantly, HER. She was the only one he didn’t see before coming to the party. Like all the others, she hadn’t change a bit.

Why the hell aren’t you calling Fluttershy by her name? Is this the same kind of shit as the first chapter where the author tried to “hide” his transformation into a pony?

The Crusaders joined the party and started telling stories of their fantastic adventures. Everypony was enjoying the party. It seemed as if they all forgot the sad things that happened a few months ago. It was a good thing, but it was sad at the same time. Alex looked at everypony laughing and having a great time. He wondered if they had just moved on “Maybe they just forgot about me”. His little sister, Spike, everypony was looking so happy he started to wonder if it was really necessary for him to tell them he was still alive. Maybe it was better this way. Why not to just let them think he was gone for good. Anyways, he wasn’t planning to stay there permanently; he had also killed a pony. And maybe some of them would be afraid to see him again because of it. They moved on, they forgot him, everything in Equestria was fine. It wasn’t necessary for him to come back and bring sad memories to them. He remembered telling Steven his trip was to find out if this was his place to stay, but it was clear now. It never was. Coming back here was a huge mistake. His heart was full of happiness and sadness, full of doubts, full of loneliness.

Aw boo hoo! The ponies aren't crying 24/7 over your death. Go take your feelings elsewhere, you self-centered crybaby!

Wow. You hit the nail right on the head, GorillaGamer. Instead of being relieved and happy that everything is in order and everybody succesfully got back to their lives after the total fuckery of a Changeling invasion, he gets sad that they are not actively and visibly talking about him.

He walked to the door and realized everypony was too busy being happy that they didn’t even notice it. He was thinking now on how to survive until the next Meteor Shower so he could go back to earth.

He was opening the doors when a voice came from the inside: “I hope all of you are enjoying the party!” Pinkie Pay said.

“Axel, how about you come up here and tell us all something about yourself?!”

Alex closed the door and said:

“I really don’t think that’s necessary”

“Oh please Axel, just come here and say something!” She asked.

My God. It’s like one of those brats that, after not getting something he wants, immediately goes to sit on a corner with both arms crossed and a pout on his face while every other child is playing on the garden.

As Axel was walking to where Pinkie Pie was he saw Spike, the Mane 6 and the Crusaders gathering in the place. Spike said:

“Sorry everypony. I didn’t mean to interrupt this great party but before listening to Axel, I wanted to take a moment and pay a little tribute to a very close friend of mine who left us exactly four months ago. He was the only human in Equestria, a true hero, a true friend and my mentor. I just wanted to ask you to never forget him, never forget why he died and that he loved Equestria as much as all of us do.”

Ah...now that Spike started to suck on your dick, you want to stay here and party.

Tears started to come out from Spike’s eyes. Sweetie Bell stepped forward and said:

“As many of you know, Alex the human was my adopted brother and I love him with all of my heart. All I wanted to say is that I love you Alex, and I hope you are happy up there with your family, please don’t forget me brother!”

I wonder if they do the same in every party. “Excuse me, excuse me! Before we start celebrating the birth of your daughter, I would like to take a minute to remember my old friend Alex and the way he killed a manticore with a well placed axe to the head.”

The rest of the Mane 6 and the Crusaders bowed as a sign of respect in memory of Alex. Remembering all of the adventures they had, the happy and sad moments, the first time he showed up, how he invented the the Alichoco muffins.

I'm with Dashguy, in that I refuse to believe that Pinkie Pie didn't create Choc-chip Muffins, before this jackass taught her.

The next one to talk was Fluttershy:

“ Alex was so special to me, I’d give anything to have him right here with us now. I promised him that I would move on, but its so difficult. No matter how hard I try. I promised him that I would never cry again, but I can’t. I can’t stop missing him.”

We interrupt this story to remind you the author definitely got a boner from writing this. Thank you.

Alex was impressed. They hadn’t forgotten him. He kept walking towards the center of the building.

“We’re sorry Axel - Pinkie Pie said – we know this is your time and your party, but Alex was very special to all of us, we would give anything to have him here, ANYTHING!

Anything...? Because I believe Dashguy might be able to help you with that...provided you give him the right incentive.

Turning their backs to me is all the “incentive” I need, son.

Having said that, don’t you love the SUBTLETY of this scene? We get three freaking speeches from three different characters about how much they love and miss him, ending with Pinkie shouting about how desperate they are to have him back.


But please come here and tell us all who you are and where have you come from!”

Alex’s heart was beating so fast, his friends still remembered him. They were acting like nothing had happened but they were still sad. He kept walking to where Pinkie Pie was, every step weight like a ton, he didn’t know what to think anymore. He had a good plan already, give a little speech, go back to the Everfree Forest and wait for the next Meteor Shower so he could go back to earth. They would be fine, sooner or later a human stops grieving his lost ones,they still remember them but the pain goes away. That would happen with them as well, they are ponies from Equestria, their happiness surpasses their sadness for miles.

He could still see them crying for him: “They just need a little more time to forget me.” He said to himself.

Oh shut up and go listen to whatever bands the emos listen to nowadays!

Alex felt his heart breaking before such faces. He didn’t even realize everypony was looking at him, waiting to hear him speak. The memories of all the things he and his friends went through, all of their happy moments, her eyes, HER EYES!

Fluttershy? Why do you keep avoiding her name? Are you trying to be mysterious? Deep? Suspenseful? What the fuck is this guy trying to do?

He's trying to make the audience support the romance of Alex and Moe Horse.

“Hi everypony, I wanted to say it’s good to be here and that I’m glad to meet all of you for the first time

…But it would be a lie!”

“I’ve just arrived here and the first thing you do is yell about a dead dude? You’re a bunch of fucking nutjobs, and this is coming from a pony wearing sneakers!”

Everypony was shocked for what he just said. He could she them all looking at each other confused.

“Please, don’t misunderstand me. What I wanted to say is that, this is not the first time I meet some of you here in Ponyville, I have so many memories of this place, memories of you!”

Alex could hear them whispering, wondering what he was talking about.

Pinkie Pie interrupted him: “That’s a good one Axel, but I know everyone here, and I am pretty sure I haven’t seen you before!”

“No! – Alex said – I am not lying. I still have many memories of this place, of you and your friends. I still remember the day we met. That day in the hospital and how I discovered you smell like cotton candy, and when you told me how proud you were of your personal hygiene or how I couldn’t believe when you told me you didn’t know anything about chocolate chip muffins Pinkie”

At least Alex isn't piss-farting around for 5 or so chapters, before he reunites with the ponies.

Pinkie Pie was just standing there, staring at him with a blank expression. Rarity noticed this and asked her: “Pinkie Darling! Are you alright?”

“And you too Lady Rarity!” Alex told her.

“Axel, I told you to just call me Rarity.”

“Don’t you remember when I took your hoof in my hand, kissed it and called you Lady Rarity for the first time? I hope my job as a Gem Finder and my room in your basement are still vacant, Lady Rarity.”

She told you to stop calling her that, dude. Seriously, control your freaking neckbeard.

Rarity looked at Alex and fell on the ground unconscious.

“Rainbow, I haven’t forgotten I still owe you an All You Can eat in Hoofdonalds. I still can’t believe SpitFire lost that day!”

Rainbow’s mouth was wide open, her wings stopped moving. She was a Pegasus turned into a statue.

“Applejack, I see you have taken good care of your beautiful blonde mane. I must tell you, blondes still drive me crazy!”

Yet your waifu pony has a pink mane...

It’s like the guy cannot come up with anything to say about Applejack.

Fuck her hard-working attitude, and her honesty. Her's mane is where it's at!

Applejack started babbling, she was about to faint as well.

“Twilight, Spike, I hope you haven’t spent too much time playing with my two you-know-what, and if you have Spike, I hope you kept your word and played for only two hours a day. Not to mention Twilight, NOW YOU ARE AN ALICORN! YOU ARE A PRINCESS!”

Twilight and Spike were shocked by his words.

“How do you know that?” Was all Twilight managed to say before Alex started talking again.

“Fluttershy, I’m glad you have tried to keep your promise, I still remember that nice farewell gift you gave me in my “last moments”. I have missed you too. I’ve been missing all of you since I woke up in that hospital on Earth!”

Alex and Moe Horse; The one true romance in all of fiction!

JUST TRANSFORM ALREADY FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

Alex turned around to where Sweetie Bell and the Crusaders were. He was covered in tears, he stood firmly and took of his pendant. A bright light, as bright as the sun itself blinded everypony who was looking. When the light faded they saw him. Standing there, right in front of them; Alex, the human; their friend.

He was looking at Sweetie Bell. He walked to her and picked her up in his arms. Hugging her like he never did before: “ Sweetie Bell, I would never ever dare to forget about you, not in this life or the other, I love you too much to let that happen!”

Fluttershy fainted too as Rarity was regaining her consciousness.

The CMC were shocked. Alex, their friend was hugging Sweetie; he wasn’t a Spirit or a ghost. After their experience there was a possibility of him being a Changeling. But no, this hug was real, and the one giving it was HIM! How was it possible?

Sweetie Bell was crying: “Are you real? You are not a cruel joke . . . right?”

It'd be funny if it was, or is that just me?

The amount of likes this story got is a cruel joke on anybody with good taste and proper grammar.

“Yes Sister, I’m real. I’m so sorry I was absent for all this time. I’ll do anything to make it up to you.”

“You don’t have to. You are here, my wish came true! The cake wish, IT REALLY WORKS! Thank you brother, thank you so much! Please, never leave me again!”

“I never left you Sweetie Bell, you know I will always be with you, even if someday you can’t see me.”

“I know brother, please let me enjoy this moment and thank you for not forgetting me!”

“Never! I will never do that to you sister. You two as well little cuties” Alex said looking at Scootaloo and Applebloom. They both looked at each other and then hugged him, they had to be sure it was the real him, not a ghost or an illusion. Even though they were always talking, this time the words had failed them. They didn’t even know what to say anymore.



Thus Alex finally gets to dry hump Sweetie Belle, after a few months of getting blue balls.

Does the transformation spell have some kind of “head-reduction” side-effect?

Alex turned around and saw the rest of his friends crying, Twilight, Spike, all of them had tears in their eyes. Fluttershy was still unconscious. He looked at all of them and said in a loud voice so everypony could hear him:

“Hi everypony, I’m Back!”

I would like to say sequels are always shit, but that would imply the first one was something akin to acceptable.

He barely finished this words when somepony jumped on him with such strength, he fell on his back. It was Applejack, she was looking at him with anger in her eyes.

“Don’t even try to move! – she said with a strong voice – Twilight hurry! Use a Scanning Spell, if he turns out being a Changeling ah will make him wish he was never born!”

Twilight agreed, her horn started to glow and used a Scanning Spell on Alex. After she was done, she looked at Applejack right into her eyes:

“It’s really him…”

Applejack started to cry and kissed him on his cheek. “ah am so sorry – she said – ah had to, ah had to be sure.” Alex looked at her and put his hand on her face:

“Yes pretty cowgirl, it’s me!”

It's cowPONY, you inbred troglodyte!

Twilight helped him stand up and asked: “Alex, how is this even possible?”

Satan? Thanos? Pit of Lazarus?

“I know it is hard to believe but here I am!”

She hugged him with all of her strength.

“Alex dude! I can’t believe you are back! I always new somepony as you couldn’t end up like that!” Rainbow Dash said. “I really don’t know what to say!”

“How about, WELCOME BACK?!” Alex replied with a big smile on his face.

Spike was finally able to pull himself together: “My partner! I don’t know what you did and I really don’t care. Thank you for not being dead!”

“I was just lucky Spike, lucky as always. I’ll tell you everything you want to know but I have to focus on other things now.”

Pinkie Pie was still silent, she didn’t even say a word, didn’t even move where she was standing, she was so lost in her thoughts. Alex got near her and got on his knees. He could see her eyes moving to find his, they looked at each other for a moment, not saying even the slightest word. Tears started to come out of her eyes.

Don't worry, there's tears coming out of my eyes as well. Tears of boredom, that is.

Every time I read one of these scenes, I picture the Mane Six, the CMC and Spike as some kind of amorphous blob, except instead of ceaseless hunger, it’s the desire to please the self-insert what motivates the monster. And just like the flesh-eating blob would split to better take down a potential prey, this one does it to better shower him with praise.

“Ali, is it really you? Please tell me you are not a ghost! Have I finally gone crazy?”

Alex gave her a warm hug and said: “No Pinkie Pie, you haven’t gone nuts, it is really me. And I’m here with you, hugging you.”

Everypony was watching, all of them knew how hard it was for Pinkie Pie to smile again after Alex died. And now there she was, with the biggest smile she ever had.

“Ali, it is you! The real you! I’m so happy to see you again I can barely handle all this happiness, I feel like I’m going to faint…”

She closed her eyes as Alex carefully placed her on the ground. “It’s ok guys, I guess it was too much for her.”



WHAT'S WRONG WITH PINKIE'S FAAAAAAACE?!

I love how the author had to put a fucking globe to indicate Pinkie was happy.

Alex stood up so he could speak to the rest of the ponies that were gathering around. Diamond Tiara, Derpy and her daughter, the Crusaders, for all of them, it was one of the happiest days in Ponyville. Alex promised to give them an explanation on how he was able to survive but now they had to take care of Pinkie Pie who was still lying on the floor. She was carefully taken upstairs to her room.

Everypony started to leave the place, but Alex had something else to do, he needed to talk to the Elements and Spike. Once everypony was gone, he was finally able to be with his friends. They were still looking at him with disbelief in their eyes: “Guys come on, you know it is me, the real Alex, standing in front of you!”

“We are sorry Alex, but after everything that happened. It is really impossible for you to be here!” Twilight said.

“Wow! Twilight, you do realize how unscientific that sounds right?”

“If you being here with us is impossible then… screw science!” She answered with a smile.

I'm pretty sure there's a fanfic out there, where Twilight Sparkle has sex with her science books.

Don’t make me look for it.

“Thank you Twilight. I know you really don’t mean THAT but thanks anyways.

We know she didn't, you gigantic fucking cretin. You know why? Because we have been graced with a level of reading comprehension beyond that of a squirrel. And while Twilight does follow the scientific method, she still uses magic. She has no reason to believe you couldn’t return here beyond the author wanting them to be shocked.

And guys I think I owe you all an explanation.”

Everypony gathered around him as he sat on the floor.

“Ok guys, you might get comfortable as this will be a long…

Well, it is really not a long story…”

Awesome. I’m going to look for some R34 pictures of Pinkie to masturbate to.

But I thought Rarity was your one true love.

I seek pleasure in the bed of many mares, son, but only Rarity makes my kokoro go all "doki doki"
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Post #6
Dashguy


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post Feb 24 2017, 04:07 AM
I can sympathize with your beliefs Dashguy. While I do have plenty of waifus that I have fun with, Chiaki is the girl who has stolen my heart.

But enough about mares and waifus, Chapter 5 is here, and it may as well be the definition of BORING!


Everything was quiet at Sugarcube Corner, the Cakes and their babies were sleeping peacefully, Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy were having some rest as well. Alex, Spike and everypony else was in the living room, sitting on a couch with Sweetie Bell on his lap and the other two crusaders at each of his sides.

I swear these fillies are more affectionate towards this cretin than their very own family members.

Speaking about that, there is an episode on the fifth season of the show called “Brotherhooves Social”. Basically, the Apple Family periodically organizes an event called “Sisterhooves Social” where little girls and their older sisters compete on an obstacle race. Feeling bad for Applebloom, since Applejack will be away on the day of the event and won’t be able to compete, Big Mac wears a dress and pretends to be Applebloom’s nonexistant cousin. They get disqualified, not because of the drag thing, but because of Big Mac unsportsmanlike conduct. Anyway, the important thing is that, at the end, Big Mac confesses to Applebloom that he’s jealous of Applejack’s achievments and the way Applebloom is constantly singing her praises.

It was a simple yet interesting reveal, and it makes me think how Big Mac must be feeling here.


He told them everything that happened after Princess Celestia used the spell on him, all of them beaming with happiness listened very carefully, once he finished Twilight was the first to talk:

“It is amazing Alex! Princess Celestia’s Spell really worked, it sent you to the hospital you were born in and even better, they found you in time to save you! Wow! Human technology is amazing, as Princess Celestia said; you would have died from your injuries if you had stayed here.”

Too bad it's in the hands of TEH EVUL HOOUMANZ!

“Yes Twilight, but I have a question, the doctor told me it seemed I was saved by a miracle because I was bleeding slowly. Do you think Princess Celestia had anything to do with that?”

“Probably, remember that she was using her magic to give you more time, maybe it lasted even after she sent you back to Earth. Who cares anyways?! It saved you and it’s all that matters!” Twilight answered.

Yeah, who the fuck cares about having a better understanding of an integral part of our life, one that I specialize in and I have dedicated most of my life to study? It worked for Alex! Nothing else matters in the world!

“But Alex, I must know how did you manage to return here?” She asked.

“Well, once I was healed, I went to visit that park again, the same one I was in when I came here for the first time. You see, there is a big Oak Tree there and I wanted to see it, because I was almost sure it was the place where the portal was, and then a bright light appeared out of nowhere and the next second I was here again, in the Everfree Forest. I believe now that the park or the Oak Tree could be a connection between our worlds. What do you think?”

I think you have to get with the times, son. Random portals and Twilight screwing a spell? Nah. Nowadays it’s all about dying and magically appearing next to Ponyville. Maybe even meeting some supernatural entity to give you some powers in the process.

“That’s a good theory Alex. Maybe the Everfree forest is where the portal to your world is and it only opens at the right time, like the other one!”

“The other one? (Alex, get ready for a resume of Equestria Girls).”

I on the other hand, would rather stick my head in a plastic bag then read about the plot of Equestria Girls.

Fair enough. I’m going to look for some R34 Equestria Girls pictures in the meantime.

“Yes, let me tell you. . .”

Twilight told Alex the story on how she became a Princess and her adventures retrieving her Crown in the other Human/Equestria World. Alex listened to her and made some random question even though he knew the answers, when she was done Alex asked:

“So you were a human for some days. Did you like it?”

“Well, yeah! It was an interesting experience, I must say is not easy going around without magic and learning to use my hands was a real challenge.”

Masturbating must have been especially awkward for Twilight Sparkle.

“Tell me about it! Trust me, learning to walk on four legs and not having hands was quite an experience too!”

Rainbow dash said:

“Yeah! Speaking of that! How did you manage to turn into a pony?

“Well, it was thanks to this! the gift Luna gave me in my "last moments" ”

Alex showed them his pendant. He put it on and immediately turned into a pony, all of them looked at him with marveled eyes.

I believe Dashguy had mentioned this in the mock of the previous installment, but what was the point of Luna gifting Alex the pendant, if he was dying?

“What is that darling? I must say I like it!”

“That’s a MetaPendant – Twilight said – Well, it all makes sense now!”

“Uh?! What yah mean sugarcube?”

“Well, you see, Alicorns can turn other creatures into ponies by giving them amulets like this one. Only an Alicorn has enough magic to create such an incredible device. You are very lucky Alex, now you can see the world as we do!”

What if a bad guy gets his hands on one of those? Wouldn’t it be a perfect tool for infiltration?

“And I must say darling, as a Pony you are not half bad…”

Spike gave a weird look at Alex after hearing this from Rarity.

The dragons blue balls started aching harder than usual.

“Hahaha! Thanks Rarity. Going back to the topic, do you guys have any other question?”

Spike raised his hand.

“Why didn’t you tell us who you were? Why did you have to wait?”

Because the author is actually getting paid by the word.

“Well Spike, at first I wanted to see if you guys would recognize me, when I saw myself as a Pony on the mirror, I noticed I looked very much like myself, so I thought maybe you…didn’t any of you recognize me at all?!”

How dare you not recognize me when I adopted a completely different form after you thought I was dead!

I hate to defend this buffoon, but do you know of any other pony that wears sneakers on their hooves?

Nope, because they have their dignity.

“Well Darling, I have to say you gave me a familiar feeling when I first saw you, but no. But I must say, now that I look at you, you do look very much as your human self.”

“Yeah, like my friends in Canterlot high -Twilight said - I had my doubts, but after visiting that place I thought you could be your own pony counterpart.”

“That’s an interesting theory Twilight, but I don’t think I have a pony counterpart here, I’m not a human from that world.” Alex replied.

No, your not. At least the humans in Equestria Girls aren't...hideous.

Except for Flash Sentry, whom bronies tell me I should hate with a burning passion.


“I guess you are right!”

“The second reason I didn’t want to tell you who I was, is because I wanted to see how all of you were doing after going through that experience. I needed to know if it was absolutely necessary to let you know I was alive, when I saw you at the party all cheerful and happy I thought maybe letting you think I was gone for good was the best choice, but when I heard you talking about me with so much love, I knew I was making a huge mistake and I wanted…no, I needed to tell you.”

In other words, Alex wanted to make sure the ponies still worshiped his dick, before he revealed himself.

Everypony nodded as Sweetie Bell hugged him tight.

“I’m glad you chose to tell us brother, thank you. I am happy to have my brother back and now you can even become a pony like me, not that I don’t like your human form or anything!”

“Thanks sister!” Alex said with a smile.

“Yeah! And not only that, yah are a unicorn so now yah can use magic!” Applebloom said.

“That’s true but I’m still a noob in this magic stuff. Thanks to some written lessons from Princess Luna I can barely levitate things and do a couple of spells, not a big deal.”

“Even so, that’s so cool! I must say I’d rather you became a pegasus like Rainbow Dash and me, the three of us would rock together!”

“I don’t think so, maybe he would just slow me down.” Rainbow dash said.

“Thanks Dashie. I’m glad you are so supportive!”

You still owe her that meal at HoofDonalds or whatever it was called.

“Easy dude, I’m sure you would be slow, but with my awesome teaching skills you would become half as good as me in no time!”

Everypony rolled their eyes and laughed.

“Well girls, I know I’ve been saying this many times already but it’s good to be back!”

“We think the same darling! So, what’s your plan now?”

“Uh? Well, one of my plans was to tell you I was alive, but now I suppose I’ll just live here for a while.”

“A while?!” Twilight asked a little worried.

“Well, we are now sure that the spell to send me back works so that is not longer a problem, it’s just a matter of asking Princess Celestia to do it again and according to my previous experiences, that park is my ticket to come back here.”

“But the Park idea is still just a theory, it still could be just a coincidence, we have no warranty that you will be able to come back here if we send you back to Earth again!” Twilight said.

Good...wait, we don't want this fucker back on Earth! You keep him.

“Well, you are right about that! (Sorry Twilight, I wish I could tell you the whole true, but some day I will).

Didn’t we deal with this shit on the previous story? And what’s the point of keeping the whole portal shit a secret from her?

Uhhh...suspense?

For now, let’s just focus on my stay here. You know, maybe the Oak Tree theory will work, but for this time, I came prepared with a lot of stuff from earth, I have everything inside Sister’s Old castle!”

“Really?! More stuff from earth?!” Everypony asked.

“Yep, I brought something for all of you. I hope you guys like it.”

“Did you. . . By any change, did you bring…?”

“Yes Twilight, I brought you books, enought books for you to have a whole section dedicated to humans in your room!”

Ah good, you remembered your promise.

Anything that fuels the metaphorical dick sucking is worth remembering.

Again, Alex managed to break Twilight and everypony could swear she had sparks coming from her ears.

“What are we waiting for?! LET’S GO!”

“Easy Twilight, it is late now, we will go tomorrow and retrieve everything. I also need to check if they are ok”

“They?”

“Yes, well, you’ll see. Let’s just say it is one of Fluttershy gifts”

Everypony was wondering what would it be.

GOLLY GEE WILIKERS, GORILLAGAMER! A GIFT FOR THE PONY THAT LOVES ANIMALS? I CANNOT IMAGINE WHAT COULD IT BE!

“. . . . . Did . . . somepony say my name?”

Everypony turned to see who said that, only to find Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie entering the room together.

“Fluttershy! Pinkie Pie! Do yah feel better now sugarcubes?”

Fluttershy was still a little sleepy;

Give the poor mare some coffee, that ought to wake her up.

she hadn’t noticed Alex and said:

“Yes, a lot better, I had an amazing dream, a dream where Alex came back. First he was a Pony but then he transformed into his original self. Not that I minded him being a pony at all. He was alive and healthy. I wish it was real.”

Before she could continue, Pinkie Pie ran past her and grabbed Alex in a crushing hug.

“What are you talking about Fluttershy? It wasn’t a dream. Ali lives and he is here, look!” Pinkie Pie said with a huge smile.

“Uh?! Pinkie, glad to see you are feeling better now but please, even in a pony body. . . . . I need some air.” Alex felt as if he wan’t abl to breathe.

“Just five more seconds. . . No! Just one more minute!”

I see Pinkie is still affected by the hugging curse.

Pinkie Pie wasn’t kidding, she hugged him tight for exactly one whole minute while Fluttershy just stayed there shocked, at least she didn’t faint again, Pinkie Pie stopped hugging him but stood at his side, Scootaloo had to make some room for herself.

“I’m glad to see you again Pinkie Pie!” Alex said.

“Me too Ali. . . I’m so happy. . . I can’t stop smiling!”

“You are saying it like if it was a bad thing, remember what I told you, you look a lot prettier when you smile”

“Thanks Ali. . . now that you are back. . .be sure that I will be smiling forever”

Everypony was looking at them but at the same time, they noticed Fluttershy still in her place, not moving an inch.

“Fluttershy, aren’t you saying anything?” Alex asked.

Fluttershy a little reluctant, started to walk to him, moving her mouth as if she wanted to say something but she wasn’t able to. When she was close enough to him, she extended her hoof to touch his chest, she needed to feel it with her own hoof ; he was a pony, but his eyes; his hair; his smile, he was Alex, HER Alex, no doubt about it. But she needed one last proof.

“Alex please, can you please turn into a human again, if you don’t mind, I need to see it. Just one more time so I can finally convince myself this isn’t a dream.”

I don’t know what irks me the most. The sheer amounts of stomach-churning cheesiness on these paragraphs or the fact I feel on my bones that the author sported a raging boner when he wrote this shit.

Why not both?



SQUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! The love between Alex and Moe Horse will last a lifetime!

The fuck is with the size of her head?

Alex smiled, and took off his pendant using his magic, the next second he was the human all of them cared for again. Fluttershy stared at him, not having anymore doubts she followed her feelings and hugged him with a strength she never showed before. It could even match Pinkie Pie’s, Alex hugged her too, and they stayed like that for what seemed to be an eternity to them. He put the pendant back on and immediately turned into a pony. Fluttershy began to cry.

“I’m happy. I’M SO HAPPY! But how?”



Thus begins Alex's first orgy as a pony.

What happened to Applejack’s neck?

Alex and the rest started telling Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy the whole story. Excluding the part of her gift, Everypony was surprised as Fluttershy got next to him and put her head on Alex’s shoulder, Alex felt as in Heaven, the mare he had a crush with was at his side, he could feel her warmth, even though he liked it, he was still feeling kind of weird. He was still a human, so feeling something over a pony was a little “different”. He asked:

“By the way girls, where is Lyra?”

Died from blood loss when she tried to cut her hooves in the shape of hands.

“Well Ali… you see, she decided to explore Equestria to see if she could find any other humans around. Knowing now for sure that humans exist, she decided to investigate every weird creature sighting in all of Equestria to find out if one of them were humans, she also dragged Bonbon with her, they should be back in a couple of weeks. What a surprise she will have when she comes back!” Pinkie Pie told him.

Damn it! Why do you have to crush my hopes like this, God!?

“I see, well I’ll just wait for her return then and I have to visit Proud Hammer and Zecora too.”

Sure, why not? You can never have enough people sucking your dick.

“Can we go with you Brother? – Sweetie Bell asked - We have to go to see Zecora tomorrow anyways, please, please, pretty please!”

“How can I say no to that face? Of course you can come!” Alex answered.

Great, more saccharine crap between Alex and his sister...

*BARFS*


The ride never ends.

“YAY!” the three Fillies yelled making everypony laugh. Alex looked out the window and noticed it was really dark.

“Well Everypony, I think it’s time for us to go to sleep. So if you…”

Spike interrupted him.

“Oh no! Don’t tell me you are going to the Sister’s old Castle now!”

“Well, all my stuff is in there and well, yes?”

Pinkie Pie gasped and said:

“Are you crazy Ali? It will be dangerous out there. Besides, we just got together again. We have to do a SLUMBER PARTY!”

Twilight = books
Applejack= apples
Rarity= clothes
Fluttershy= animals
Rainbow Dash= speed
Pinkie= parties

Just keep the above in mind and you cannot fail.


Thanks Dashguy! I'll keep this in mind, in case I get the sudden urge to churn out a H.I.E fanfic. Not that I would, of course.

“I really don’t know Pinkie” Alex said.

“Oh please, please with tons of sugar” Pinkie begged with puppy eyes.

It'll give you an unlimited source of pussy.

“sigh… ok”

“YAY!!” Pinkie Pie brought some snacks and games, while setting everything Spike asked Alex if they could have a little conversation alone.

“Excuse us Girls, Spike and I need to talk outside. We’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Once they were out, Alex sat on the ground with his pal next to him. Alex looked at him for a moment and without saying a word, he hugged him tight. Spike was surprised but he hugged him too.

“Spike I am sorry I didn’t say this before but I’m so glad to see you again!”

Why did you not tell him back there? Were you afraid of looking like a faggot or something? Don’t get me wrong, you are a glorious winged faggot, but definitely not for showing affection towards other dude.

“Me too my friend, me too…” Spike replied.

“So, what do you wanted to talk about?” Alex asked.

"I-I-I'm ready for anal!" Spike called out suddenly.

“Well, it is just that I need to know it now, are you planning to stay in Equestria this time? I mean, staying here for good?”

“To be honest Spike, I don’t know. I plan to stay here for a couple of months and see if I finally decide to stay here, but only time will tell.”

This guy’s attention whorish tendencies are almost pathological. Seriously, look at the above and tell me it doesn’t read like he’s hoping the ponies will beg for him to stay.

“I see, I’ll make sure you love so much being here then that you will even beg for Celestia to forget the spell to send you back. You’ll see, besides, I think Fluttershy is already working on that. By the way, when do you plan to ask her to be your very special somepony? It’s so obvious you both like each other.”

“What? Ok spike, I don’t know, I can’t say I don’t I like her, but I want to know her a little better, let’s wait to see what happens ok? And when do YOU plan to ask Rarity to be your Special somepony?” Alex asked.

“What? I don’t. . . sigh, ok you got me. I still like her, I think she knows I like her too but she acts as if nothing. Maybe she is not the one for me, what do you think?”

*Slaps Spike across the face*

That's quitter talk! You keep trying your hardest, and eventually you might win Rarity's heart. If not...then forget this conversation ever happened.


Did you know Spike’s crush on Rarity was supposed to be a one-episode-only thing, GorillaGamer? The writers needed a way to show Rarity was the “pretty one” of the team, so they had Spike act lovestruck. It just happened to stick after that.

I never knew that. You learn something every day.

“I think only you can answer that, but I do know there is a fated per. . . creature for every creature. I know you will be happy with somepony. If in the end it’s not Rarity, so be it, right?”

Just a question, but what happens to Spike, in fics where Rarity is paired with the self-insert?

Not much, in my experience. Most of the time they just comment on how he was jealous and sad for a while, but eventually got better. Sometimes he gets paired with a filly. All in all, the whole thing is treated like an afterthought.

“I guess you are right Alex. I’m glad you are here so I can talk about these things. I Can’t do the same with Twilight or any other mare!”

“No problem Spike. I’m here for you now and I’m not planing to leave in a long time. Now let’s go party!”

“Yeah!” Spike immediately forgot how sad he was after hearing Alex.

“Besides, we resume our training tomorrow. I hope you hadn’t been slacking off because I will test you.” Alex said with a serious look on his face.

“You got it partner!” Spike replied.

You better start working on improving your blowgun skills.

You’re gonna blow far, kid!

Once they were done talking, they got back into the house. The party was nice, even with the childish games Pinkie Pie made them play. Alex had to convince Twilight not to send a letter to Celestia about his return. He wanted to surprise them as well, she was kind of reluctant but finally agreed as she also wanted to see their surprised faces. After a good time together the girls went to sleep at Pinkie Pie’s room while Alex and Spike stayed on the in the living room. Sweetie Bell asked Alex if she could stay with him, something he of course accepted.Tthis was one of the best nights each and every one of them had since months.

At the end, nobody made a comment about Blueblood. I'm disappointed.

---

SADDLE SARABIA (Royalty Meeting)

I joked about this before, but is Saddle Sarabia an actual place in the show?

It’s Saddle Arabia and yes, it exists. We event get to see two representatives on one episode.

Which one?

"Magic Duel", the fifth episode of the third season. They appear at the end.

Princess Celestia, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor along the other Kingdom rulers were impatient, waiting for the magic raffle to end. After all, the Kingdom chooses which town will host of one of the most amazing events in all the world:“The Gladiators Tournament”, celebrated once every seven years.

If this tournament features a Spartan-obsessed brother of Freddy Kruger, then I'm leaving this fic for good!

When the winner was finally chosen, the Sultan read the paper and said:

“My Royal fellows., the host for the Gladiators Tournaments will be. . . . .

CANTERLOT!”

Princess Celestia and Luna couldn’t hide their excitement; it had been decades since Canterlot wasn’t selected to host this tournament.

Uh-huh. If this “tournament” is so important then how come this is the very first time we read about it? And if the Princesses are so thrilled about it then how come none of the ponies were able to fight against the Changeling invasion on the previous story, beyond that retarded OC swinging hammers? Fuck me, do we get a reward if we pretend this “tournament” is anything beyond a cheap excuse for the author to fantasize about being a total badass?

Princess Celestia said:

“Thank you very much for this great honor. I’m sure this tournament will be one of the best ever. We will see great matches between the best of the best. In one week, we’ll be sending the official rules to you so you can start gathering your best soldiers and warriors. Once again, Thank you very much!”

"It's a shame that Blueblood won't be able to participate. He was such a promising contender."

The meeting ended and every Royal creature present started the long way back to their kingdoms, Celestia and the rest stayed in the Sultan’s Palace to have some rest and get ready to travel the next morning. While having some lunch at the palace, they had a little conversation:

“Celestia and Luna, I’m sure you are excited to host the tournament this time”

“Yes Sultan Mahay, I just hope many of my ponies will be willing to compete!” Celestia replied.

“Me too, I hope my horses are up to the challenge as well. But, do you think. HE will compete?” Sultan Mahay asked.

“I beg your pardon?” Princess Celestia said.

“Oh you know what I mean, your friend the hero you told me about. The human, what was his name? Axel, Alax or something like that”

“Alex, his name was Alex” Luna said a little annoyed.

“Was?”

“Yes, he is no longer with us, a disgrace happened.

"He began writing Human in Equestria fics!"

Look, I don’t really want to talk about that” Celestia said with a sad voice as Luna was staring down.

“I see, it’s a shame. I heard he was good enough to take down even a manticore. I’m pretty sure he would have done pretty well in the tournament, not to mention his dragon partner. I hope he does compet…”

Is killing a manticore such a great feat? Wouldn’t Fluttershy taming one of the second episode of the show be more impressive? And how come this guy heard about what Alex did but not about the heroics of the Mane Six?

Because they're MARES. And the bronies don't want the MARES to take the glory away from their OC's.

“Spike? oh no no no no! He is just a baby dragon. I would never let him compete in something so…” Princess Celestia said interrupting him.

“Oh come on Celestia! You know this tournament stopped being dangerous a long time ago. Besides, I heard he is as good as the human, who knows, he may surprise you.”

Just like ordering a pizza and opening the box to find a dog turd instead.

Celestia had to admit the Sultan was right. Spike indeed had demonstrated to be a descent fighter thanks to Alex’s teachings and his own devoted training. Maybe she could, she would have a conversation with Twiligh. On the other hoof, she was glad that only rumors had passed to the other kingdom. She made sure the Invasion incident was covered with the exception of Sarabia Sultan since he was a long friend. This kind of news would make the other kingdoms and Empires think Canterlot was weak and unstable, she really was thankful for Alex, Spike and their friends who managed to save them.

How fascinating...

YOU HAD TO BE SAVED BY A FUCKING DORK, A BABY DRAGON, AN IDIOT SWINGING HAMMERS AND THE EQUIVALENT OF A BUNCH OF FUCKING WILD ANIMALS! YOUR KINGDOM IS A FUCKING JOKE!

“Well, we will think about it. It could be a good distraction for him, after all he hasn’t been the same since Alex died” Princess Luna said with a sad look on her eyes.

“Very well, have some rest then and prepare to leave tomorrow. You have a big tournament to prepare!”

The Princesses proceeded to go to their rooms.

While on her bed, Princess Luna couldn’t stop think about something.

“I think the same Sultan, Alex would have rocked in that tournament"

Tell me something I don’t fucking know.

Since this chapter was a snoozefest, I'll end things off by posting the authors notes.

QUOTE
P.S. in case you noticed, the art of Alex hugging fluttershy was inspired in one made by Ceehoof, look at his art and stories, very good ones.


Any thoughts on this Ceehoof person, Dashguy?

From what I’ve seen on his Fimfiction page, the guy’s most prominent story is called “Equestria’s First Human”; a monstrosity almost one hundred and twenty eight thousand words long where his self-insert is paired with Fluttershy, because of fucking course he is. We also have the following:

A rewrite of “A Canterlot Wedding” to include the fucking self-insert.

A story where Sweetie Belle develops a crush on the fucking self-insert, despite the fact he’s dating the aforementioned Moe Horse.

Some story centred around a stallion named “Hellfire”, who apparently was the antagonist in “Equestria’s First Human” or something.

A story in the Equestria Girls universe with, you guessed it, the fucking self-insert.

And a crossover with Godzilla. Oh, and a couple of the chapters of the first story include drawings made by the author himself, of course.




So yeah, you can see where Alejin got plenty of inspiration from.

Not going to lie, that picture looks better than anything Alejin draws. Slightly better mind you, but I digress...
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Dashguy


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post Mar 3 2017, 04:28 AM
Alright, time to see what Alejin and his co-writer, the Zombie Garka, wrote this time.

Wait a minute. Are you telling me this literary travesty was written by more than one person?

Yeah, didn't you know that Zombie Garka is Alejin's beta reader/co-writer? Although I don't know anything about this Zombie Garka, to be honest.

The quality of this story tells us everything we need to know about him, if you ask me.

Alex woke up the next morning, he was speechless as he opened his eyes and saw everypony sleeping in the same room as him. Spike and Sweetie Bell, all except for Pinkie Pie who was sleeping next to the front door, it seemed as if they thought Alex would leave again. Careful not to wake up Sweetie Bell who was sleeping next to him, he placed her on the couch, she frowned a little while trying to find her brother's warm but luckily for him she didn't wake up. Alex went down stairs to cook some breakfast for everypony, since he was in a bakery, it didn’t take long for him to find all the ingredients to make some Pancakes.

Sure, go ahead. You already broke inside the place at night once anyway.

After a while the smell started to wake up the rest of the gang, Spike was the first to come down to the kitchen:

“Wow Alex I must admit those Pancakes smell awesome (sniff sniff)... is that banana?”

Highly trained assassin, master chef, charismatic young man.

Yep, sounds like your typical Assassin's Creed protagonist.


“Yep, I used banana in the mix, hope you don’t mind”

“No no no! I love Banana Pancakes, thanks!”

I’m honestly surprised Spike isn’t saying something along the lines of “in the entire history of Equestria, nobody has ever tried to add bananas to a pancake”.

“You’re welcome, ok here comes the first one, go ahead and eat, there will be plenty for all of us!”

“Ok!” - Spike replied with a big smile.

The rest of the gang came in next. Pinkie Pie, Rainbow dash and Applejack were drooling after smelling the delicious banana pancakes.

Rarity looked at them and said:

“Oh my! Could you at least show some manners like Sweetie Bell and I! Isn't that right Sweetie... what?!” - Rarity was shocked as she saw Sweetie Bell drooling too - "I really can't believe this is happening!" - She said.

The ponies must be hungry for Alex's pancakes cock.

Alex was so happy to see them enjoy the breakfast he prepared. While eating Applejack asked Alex:

“So, what is today's plan sugarcube?”

“Well, first of all, I want to talk to Mayor Mare, I think that since I was officially Equestrian and a Ponyville resident they might have taken me as dead after the things that happened, so I have to go there myself and fix that right away, then I think I will visit Zecora and Proud Hammer with the CMC.”

Why bring the CMC with you? I can sort of understand Sweetie Belle, as much as I don't want to believe it, but why bring the others with you? Hell, why isn't Spike coming along with you?

It’s like every other character in this story was just a prop with a specific role to fulfill.

“Sounds like a good plan to me, in that case and after yah do that, do yah mind coming to Sweet Apple Acres with me? Ah would like to show Big Mac and Granny Smith that yah are back!”

Alex agreed: “Sure, no problem Applejack.”

“Thanks sugarcube!"

Twilight reminded Alex of the things he mentioned before: “And don’t forget Alex, we have to go to the castle and bring your stuff, and the books you promised me of course!"

“Ok Twilight., but I must tell you, we’ll need at least two or three big wagons.” - Alex replied - “As I said before, I didn’t know if my plan of coming back would work but in case it did, I wanted to be prepared so this is the reason why I brought a lot of things.”

“And where do you plan to put all that stuff” - She asked.

“That’s the thing; I really don’t want to leave everything at Rarity’s place so I was thinking about getting my own place."

Rarity interrupted him: “That's nonsense darling, we will make room for everything in my place, no offense but I don’t think you are able to buy a big house right now, so don’t worry, the basement has a lot of room” - Alex didn’t say anything because he knew she was right.

He's got a castle he can slum in. He doesn't need to have Rarity whore out her basement to this chucklefuck.

There are not enough words to describe how much I don’t care. Here he is, in a world of magic and fantasy, discussing about moving boxes.

“But, isn’t that my bedroom? I mean, it was still my bedroom when I left.”

“Yes darling, it WAS your bedroom, but not anymore; do you think after all you have done for us I will let you sleep in a basement? No sir, you will have a decent room this time!” - Rarity said.

"How about sharing my bedroom?! - Sweetie Bell asked, but after seeing everyone's faces it was easy to understand the obvious. "Well, at least I tried..."

"I really appreciate what you are doing for me Rarity; I just didn't want to bother you…"

“And you are not darling, believe me." Rarity said with a lovely voice.

“Thanks Rarity, I will never get tired of saying this. You are the most generous pony I've ever met” (hearing this made her blush).

*tipping fedora furiously*

The fun thing is, in the show, Rarity doesn’t blush from compliments; she takes them gracefully. I’ve only seen her blush from anger, embarrassment and the time she had a crush on a hipster unicorn. Then again, the author most likely learned everything he knows about women from watching shitty harem anime.

“Ok then, it’s settled, I will go do my business and we will get back here in three hours so we can go to the Castle”. Everypony agreed on this. Alex put on his metapendant, immediately turning into a pony and started his way to the Mayor’s office.

While on their way, Sweetie Bell jumped on top of Alex's head:

“Mmm, it’s not the same, you are taller in your human form, but I still like it. This is still the best place to be, ever!”

“Hehehe! Sorry about the height sister, but don’t worry, after speaking to my friends I will carry you in my human form, I promise!”

She agreed with a big smile.

“I hope that includes us!” Applebloom said while pointing at Scootaloo.

“Of course it does you little cuties” Alex answered as they shared a smile.

Great...we're in for more of this saccharine bullshit. Better stock up on barf bags.

After walking for a while, they finally arrived at Mayor Mare's office. Her secretary welcomed them and asked: “Hello sir, what can I do for you?”

“Hi! I need to talk to Mayor Mare, it’s a little urgent please.”

“Ok, can you please tell me your name sir” - She asked.

“Alejandro, but my friends call me Alex!" - He answered.

“I see, Aleja. . . – she frowned and asked him in an upset tone - is this some kind of sick joke, why are you using that name?”

“Beg your pardon?”

Yeah, I mean it's not like Alejandro is a one-person exclusive name.

“I helped Mayor Mare fill and archive the human Alejandro’s death certificate a few months ago, not many ponies know this but she really was hurt when we heard the news about his death, so if you think I will take part in th. . .”

She hadn’t finished her sentence when a bright light blinded her, when the light faded she opened her eyes and saw Alex the human standing in front of her.

“You see lady; I’ve been called Alex since I was a little kid. Please call the Mayor so she knows I’m still alive”

She stood there, shocked. She had heard some rumors from ponies that didn’t go to the party where he showed himself again, she didn’t believe them. But here HE was, standing in front of her, after a few seconds she said “Yes Mr. Alex” and then trotted in tears to her boss’ office. A few seconds later, the Mayor showed up. As soon as she saw him, she ran to him at full speed bringing him to the ground (he was getting used to it) giving him a huge hug:

“Oh my. . . Fine Scrolls, you weren’t lying, Thanks Celestia! IT’S YOU ALEX, YOU ARE ALIVE!”

Wait, why was this Fine Scrolls pony crying over Alex? It's the first time we saw the damn character, yet she's established a friendship with Alex offscreen. What that hell is this nonsense?!

Also, notice how he entered in pony form and waited until she got upset to reveal himself. This is some “Grade A” attention whoring.

“Yes Mayor Mare! So how is my favorite Politician in the world?”

“Better than ever! Please come into my office, we have so much to talk!”

“Ok, just give me a second!” – Alex replied.

Alex put his pendant back on, Mayor Mare and Fine Scrolls looked amazed at his transformation, once he turned into a pony, she asked:

“Wow! So now you can turn into a Pony?”

“Yes, it’s a long story, but let’s go into your office - he turned to the CMC - you girls please wait here, I’ll be back in a few minutes.”

Alex followed the Mayor into her office so they could talk. He told her the whole story. The Mayor was amazed at how her friend managed to avoid death again, he was a really lucky human; she promised him to remove his death certificate from the records. Once they were done, they shared a hug and said their farewells.

“It’s good to have you around again Alex.”

“I say the same Mare” – Alex replied.

This shit right here is something that could have been summarized on a single line or just taken care by any other character, but nope, we have to endure the whole thing because the author wants to let us know how much these ponies missed his fucking self-insert. And notice how Alex doesn’t ask Mayor Mare a single question about her or how thing have been going in Ponyville.

Alex and the crusaders started their way to the next stop: Proud Hammer’s Workshop.

Oh hey, it's that idiot OC who was swinging all those hammers in the previous chapter.

When they arrived, he was there working in a new set of armor. After seeing Alex and the kids, he stopped to greet them:

“Hello ponies, what can I do for you today?”

“Well Mr. Hammer I came for. . .”

Alex was interrupted by a crushing big hug from Proud Hammer.

“Cut the chat kiddo, I know it’s you!”

“What? But how?” Alex asked looking really surprised.

“First of all, you look the same as always, a few differences but you are still the same.

If he's the same, then why didn't the Mane 6 recognize him on sight?

Hammer Pony is not the author’s self-insert, but he’s still one of his Original Characters, therefore, he gets more attention than the rest. I bet the cocksucker is even going to fight in the tournament.

Second, a friend of mine who was in Mrs. Pinkie Pie party yesterday told me some things, rumors you know; they spread faster than you think. I wanted to make sure if they were real or not, but then I wondered if you would come and try to fool me!”

“Hahahahaha! – Alex hugged him with all of his strength – it’s nice to see you again old pony”

“Thanks Alex! Now, how about you sharing your story with me so I know how is this reunion possible?” Proud Hammer asked.

“Ok, I will!” Alex answered.

Proud Hammer gave Alex and the Crusaders some lemonade as Alex told him everything he wanted to know. Proud Hammer was amazed but most of all, he was happy. Once he was done telling his story, Alex asked him:

“Proud, I’ve been thinking about my gear. Do you know what happened to my DS armor and bracelets?”

Don’t you want to ask him how he’s been doing first? What the fuck, man! I know this shit only exists to stroke the author’s pitiful dick, but can you at least pretend that isn’t the case?

“Well, after we all thought you were gone, Princess Celestia and Luna decided to store all of your gear and weapons at Canterlot Museum, many ponies tried to convince her to sell them but she and Spike made it clear that it wasn’t happening.”

Those faceless ponies have a point, what good is storing a set of armor, and those fucking shitty retard blades, at a museum?

Alex blushed: “Well, I am really honored but now that I’m back, all those items will lose their value. I have to make sure to get them all back when I go to Canterlot.”

I wonder how much their value would drop if the ponies knew it’s just some shit you made using a YouTube video.

“If you say so kiddo!” – Proud Hammer said.

Alex and the CMC said their goodbyes and started their way to Zecora’s house. Scootaloo offered to carry them in a wagon puller by her scooter, Alex and the rest got on it and were carried by her powerful wings. Alex wondered how it wasn’t possible for her to fly but after looking carefully, he noticed that her wings were shorter than the others – “Maybe they will grow as time passes by” – he said to himself.

Or maybe they never will since she’s a disabled orphan who lives under a bridge and only wishes to be adopted by Rainbow Dash! At least that’s what you would think if you went by some of the stories on FimFiction.

What, I don't even know how to reply to this.

Thanks to Scootaloo, the arrived at Zecora’s house in a very short time. Alex knocked the door and Zecora came to see who it was, after seeing the Crusaders and a pony she never saw before, she asked:

“Hello my friends; please tell me, who is this pony standing in my presence?”

“Hello Miss Zecora, my name is Alex; I just moved to Ponyville.” Alex answered.

How long is this reintroducing padding going to last? It's just like how Zombie Simpsons pad out pointless scenes, in an attempt to eat clock.

Zecora’s eyes widened when she heard his name, being a Zebra who didn’t believed in coincidences she asked them to come into her house. Once they were inside, Zecora asked:

“Alex, have you and I have met before?”

Alex decided to make it short: “Yes ma’am, we have!”

“But when? She asked.

“Don’t you remember the occasion when you knocked me out the first time we met? When you saved my life when those two Manticores found Spike and I in the Everfree Forest, or the time you helped me to stop the Diamond dog Invasion?”

Zecora was almost crying by this moment, for the first time in her life, it seemed as if she couldn’t find a rhyme to tell what she was thinking. Alex didn’t want to wait anymore so he removed his pendant, when the light faded, everypony could see the human Alex, hugging his Zebra friend.

“Don’t you remember how I really look like?” He asked.

Zecora was already crying.

There's all these tears for Alex, who turns out to be alive, but where's all the tears for Blueblood? He wouldn't have rebelled, had he not been treated like crap by the princesses.

You would think a show called “Friendship is Magic” would attract characters like Son Goku and Kenshin Himura, a merciful dude and a pacifist respectively, instead of “badass motherfuckers” who solve everything with violence and murder. I think it’s a good indicator of the age of the writers, if you ask me.

“Alex my friend, I thought your life had already reached its end?”

“No my friend, even though I almost die, I am still alive, and I plan to keep like that for a very long time.”

They shared a few more hugs and once she stopped crying Alex started telling the whole story on how he survived; she was amazed by hearing how he was able to come back to Equestria, after spending some time together they said their farewells but promised to get together sometime.

Thank you for expressing joy for Alex’s return and listening to his story, Zecora. You can go now; and don’t worry, we’ll make sure to call you if we ever need you again.

Alex and the rest got on Scootaloo’s wagon again as she carried them to Sweet Apple Acres in order to meet Applejack and the family. The meeting with the Apples was quick and sweet, Big Mac and Granny Smith couldn’t hide their happiness after seeing him again and didn’t stop telling how they knew Applejack had chosen a good stallion, one that could even come back from the dead, Alex blushed a little and laughed but Applejack looked totally embarrassed from hearing this.

Aw come on Applejack, Alex liked your mane, stating that blondes drive him crazy. If you can survive that, then some mild embarrassment should be shrugged off easily.

Granny Smith is not getting younger and she wants her mutant grandchildren right now.

Once they were done, they started their way back to the Library so they could meet the others.

Once all of them were together, they decided to go to the Everfree Forest, taking three empty wagons with them. Getting to the castle didn’t take long, everypony took this opportunity to tell Alex all they did when he was away; he was flattered when he heard about his statue in Canterlot, he also asked Twilight about how she became a Princess along with some other questions. Once they arrived to the castle, Alex went to his room to get his clothes and backpack. He then, proceeded to remove the rocks that were covering the entrance to the room where he left all of his things. Once the rocks were removed, all of the things he brought with him were revealed, everypony was amazed to see all of the wood and cardboard boxes he brought with him, some boxes were even were bigger than themselves. They wondered how it was possible for Alex to bring these many things, but after knowing Pinkie Pie for so long they knew many unexplained things could happen.

How interes-zzz....

A single line about asking Twilight “some questions”, among an entire paragraph of moving stuff. Fucking priorities, son.

Suddenly, a sound came from a covered cage in the corner of the room; Alex got some bird food from his backpack and feed whatever was inside that box.

“Easy fellows, I know this is not Guatemala but you will have the honor to be the first ones of your species in Equestria, and you will have a very good friend so please be good, she is very special to me!”

“Alex, what do you have in there? Did, you by any chance brought what I think you did?” Fluttershy asked, it was so easy to see the excitement all over her face.

“Yes Fluttershy, please come and meet them” Alex answered.

Fluttershy went to where the cage was and removed the sheet to reveal what Alex was hiding; there were six Quetzals three males and three females. Fluttershy stood there, silently watching the beautiful birds Alex brought for her.

“Thank you Alex! Oh sweet Celestia, I can’t believe it! You brought Quetzals here to Equestria! They are so beautiful and look exactly as the ones you showed me on the photos, I love their tails! I’m the first pony ever to see a new bird species; and you brought six of them! I will have many Quetzals! Thank you! Thank you so much!” – Fluttershy was unable to hide her excitement.

“You are very welcome Fluttershy; I knew you would like them. Please go on and talk to them!” – Alex said.



Moe Horse looks like she stepped into a Disney movie all of a sudden.

Let’s set aside the fact this cocksucker got his paws on several members of a near-threatened species; how does he know this won’t fuck up the ecosystem of Equestria?

Fluttershy let them out and started talking to them, Alex was shocked as how they seemed to understand her and also looked like they were smiling “Of course, this is Equestria and they look cartoonish now” Alex said to himself. He left Fluttershy and went back with the rest of the gang so they could help him take out the rest of the things he brought for them.

“Well guys, as I mentioned, I brought some more things to share with you all!” He said very excited.

They were very happy and anxious from hearing this.

“Girls – Alex said - just one thing, some of the stuff I brought, I don’t think will fit in Rarity’s front door so I will need to store them inside a warehouse for the time being. Do you think there will be a problem?” – Alex asked.

“Don’t worry sugarcube; I’m pretty sure Mayor Mare will agree.

At this point I’m sure she would shove that stuff down her asshole if he asked nicely.

Can you please tell me why do you think they won’t fit?” Rarity asked.

“Let’s just say, there are things meant to be used on the outside, on open fields, until the time is right, I promise I will show them to you! – Alex answered.

He bought them a sports car, didn't he...

Jesus Christ, this is SO FUCKING DENSE! GOD! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TAKE SO MUCH TIME WITH FUCKING EVERYTHING?



Quick question, why did you feel it was necessary to draw this scene?

We could ask the same for two thirds of the “illustrations” in these stories.

Once everything was loaded in the wagons they brought, they started their way back to Ponyville. As Alex asked, they stored the bigger boxes inside a warehouse and even got a special permission from the Mayor so nopony would be allowed to check what was inside the boxes, Twilight used a powerful locking spell, just for added security.

Why? Did you get them guns?

Pinkie's got a gun

Pinkie's got a gun~


The rest of the things were taken to Carousel Boutique, once there and after reuniting with the CMC, every box was taken to Alex’s new room on the second floor, when they were done carrying all the boxes, Alex asked everypony to leave the room except for Twilight. After a little while they could see both of them leaving his room. Twilight was carrying four cardboard boxes using her magic; there was an expression on her face as if she had seen something unbelievable.

“So Twilight, do you think it will be possible? Otherwise, that stuff will be useless.”

“No problem Alex, I just have to make some minor adjustments to my computer crystal power source, but I’m sure I will be able to make at least a couple of them by next week?” – Twilight answered.

Scratch that, this fucker brought his games with him!

“One week?! That is so fast! You really are a genius!”

“No problem Alex, the faster I finish them, the quicker I will see THOSE things working and I really can’t wait for it!”

This secrecy bullshit is really starting to piss me off.

“Me too Twilight! Well, I hope you enjoy the books I brought: history, science, electricity, space and the solar system, some novels, the human biology, dictionaries and encyclopedias. Just one thing, I must warn you about, please remember that humans had some wars, so some of our story is a little dark, please don’t be scared of it and remember that we have improved a lot since then.”

Not only did America vote in what could possibly be the worst US President of all time, but the SJW's have grown even more bigoted, entitled, and hypocritical than usual. Improved my ass...

Crap, gotta calm down. I don't want to sound like all the misanthropic bronies.


“Don’t worry Alex, it’s not like we haven’t had our own wars but thanks for the advice anyway” – Twilight replied.

“Ok, I understand, but Twilight those books are exclus. . . .” She interrupted him: “Don’t worry about that Alex, these books are for my personal collection and only Lyra and our friends and I are allowed to read them”

Why? Why you don’t want to share all that knowledge? What if there’s stuff on those books that could help ponies greatly improve their quality of life?

“Thanks Twilight, ok NOW! Is everypony else ready for their presents?!”

“What? Did you bring presents for all of us?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“Of course Dashie, do you think I’d only bring presents for Twili and Shy?”

Fuck...this is going to be the rest of the chapter. The pony gift-giving extravaganza

“Well not that, but…what did you bring for me?!”

Alex opened one of the boxes and took out some black and white t-shirts and caps; he also took out a necklace.

“Knowing you and how awesome you are, I thought these things are very much your style”

Rainbow started checking her new shirts and caps, sure they would need some modifications for her wings but if she could describe them with one word, it would be AWESOME! She loved every shirt and cap, some of them had a strange logo: a hand with bandages holding a lightning on the front and the words “Best in the World” on the back. Some other shirts read “I’m awesome” on the front and “You are not” on the back, the caps had the same catchphrases and finally, the necklace was bathed in silver with the shape of her cutie mark. She wasn’t the kind of pony used to wear jewelry, but she loved this necklace so much.

“Alex, thank you, thank you so much. I love them! I want to use them right away”



Why would Rainbow Dash be so excited over wearing merchandise based on her life? She should be horrified that humans are profiting over her life.

Really now? This guy is like that rich friend who travels all over the world, comes to your house to talk extensively about his trip and ends up telling you about how he did not forget about you before handing you a miserable keychan he probably snatched for a penny at the airport.

“For you Rarity, I brought some Fashion magazines, every single famous style for the past twenty years with pictures and all, and I also brought this…”

Alex handed over the books and a necklace with her cutie mark, Rarity saw some of the pictures with excitement in her eyes.

“Thank you Alex, I really appreciate it! With these books and new ideas I will be unstoppable now, I really love my necklace too, I must say it’s a fine work but tell me how? Did you tell someone about us?” – She asked.

“Not really, there are many people who can make custom jobs you know, jewelry; plushies; almost anything in my world so I asked someone to make your cutie marks, as long as you pay they make no questions. To them I was just a random guy with an odd request, that’s all”

With how much shit you bought from them, those people must be laughing their way to the bank.

Alex said that handling a necklace to Twilight and Fluttershy who were also amazed by how their cutie marks looked.

“I see! Anyway, thank you darling, I love it”

Alex brought some Stetson black and brown hats for Applejack and her necklace as well.

“Thanks sugarcube, ah really like them! I’ll use them with pride”

“You are very welcome Applejack” Alex said.

It was Pinkie’s turn; she was bouncing all over the place: “My turn! My turn! My turn!”

Alex chuckled and said:

“Pinkie, it was a little difficult but after thinking what to give to somepony as funny as you, the only answer it came to my mind was to give you this…!”

Alex took out an original big Pinkie Pie Plushie (making sure there weren’t any labels on it) and her own cutie mark necklace. Pinkie Pie stared at her Plushie, it was perfect and beautifully crafted, she hugged it with all of her strength and then she hugged Alex and said:

“Thank you Ali, I love it and my necklace too. I will call her mini-Pinkie!”

"I shall call her...Mini-Me!"

“You are very welcome Pinkie. I’m glad you liked it”

Alex noticed Rainbow Dash staring at the Plushie, she said:

“Wow dude, I must say it is really an awesome job. It’s as if the person who did this had a lot of experience making pony toys!”

“What can I say, I only got the best of the best, but let me guess, you want one right?”

“What? Of…of course not” She immediately replied rolling her eyes.

“Oh! Come on Dashie! You know you do!” Alex said.

“Ok, maybe I do want a little one. I mean, any Plushie that looks like me would be awesome!”

Especially after you attach your dildo to it.

“Ok Dashie, I will get one for you the next time I go back to earth.”

“Thanks dude, but you don’t need to hurry, we like having you here” She replied.

It was Spike’s turn, Alex brought a lot of DC and Marvel comics and encyclopedias,

Oh goodie, I can't wait to see Spike's reaction to this...



he also brought the coolest toy he could think about; it looked like some kind of vehicle, it was colored blue with red flames, Spike, Rainbow Dash and Pinkie had their mouths wide open:

“Alex, is this what I think it is?” Spike asked.

“And what do you think it is?”

“It is a Transformer, right?”

Alex was surprised on how Spike knew what it was so he asked: “But how did you know? Did you watch more movies on my laptop? You guys saw the Transformers movie right?! - Spike nodded – Well, did you like it?”

Rainbow dash said: “Well, I think it’s one of the most AMAZING things I have ever seen!”

-Micheal Bay Transformers
-Amazing

My fucking sides...


Alex got a little disappointed since it wasn’t a surprise anymore. He took out Optimus Prime from its box and after following the instructions inside it (and a fair amount of time) he transformed it into a robot, Spike and everypony else were marveled by it, the action figure was simply amazing! He couldn’t believe what he just saw, toys in his world couldn’t even compare to this, and its details were incredible! Spike would love robots more than ever.

“Wow Alex, this is so cool!”

“I’m happy you liked it Spike, take these too, they are all yours!”

Alex gave Spike five more Transformers which he took to Twilight’s room followed by Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash “We must play with one of those”, they said. It was funny, they were still so innocent.

It was the Crusaders turn now, Alex took out three Reinforced grown-up tricycles, everypony regretted not having a camera to take pictures of their faces full of excitement and confusion as they didn’t know what these things were. Alex figured out they never saw one so after a brief explanation the three of them proceeded to test their tricycles, Alex was happy about the quality of the materials used to craft them –“They may be little ponies but they are still fillies, surely they weigh more than a regular human child, or maybe not.” - (After all, he had carried them more than once and they weren’t heavier than an average human kid).



Tricycle, tricycle, tricycle

I want to ride my tricycle, tricycle, tricycle~


I see a red door and I want it painted black

No colours anymore, I want them to turn black


After watching them play for some minutes, Alex said:

“Scootaloo, please come here!”

She rode her tricycle were Alex was standing.

“What is it Alex bro?”

“(Alex bro? Ok?) Scootaloo, I know and have seen how good you are with your scooter, so I thought maybe you should try this as well.”

Alex gave her a Reinforced Avalanche Skateboard, Scootaloo examined it; it looked like her scooter but it had a steering Wheel and some kind of seat, the wheels looked tougher, but the coolest thins were the metallic pieces on it (she loved it , not as much as her scooter but still loved it). Naturally, she figured out how to use it. After sitting on it, she put her hooves on the steer wheel and proceeded to flap her wings like always, she soon reached a nice speed and being the amazing driver she was, she didn’t crash against anything at Rarity’s home. Everypony was marveled by this vehicle Alex gave to Scootaloo, it simply was amazing, Scootaloo didn’t want to admit it but this Avalanche Skateboard was maybe as cool as her scooter, she stopped driving it an hugged Alex:

“Thank you Alex, I mean it! These gifts are so amazing!”

“No Problem Scoots, I brought the best for my little sisters” – Alex said.

What?! Is Alex adopting Scootaloo and Applebloom all of a sudden?!

“Sister? Really? But I thought. . .”

“Scootaloo, Sweetie Bell and I had said this many times by now, I will say it just one more time, you and Applebloom are like my sisters too. Please never forget that!”

I swear I’m three seconds away from puking my entire digestive system.



Did you know that the design for this skateboard was inspired by one of Alejin's childhood toys?

How the fuck is that piece of shit better than her scooter? Did you ever see the kind of stuff that filly can do with it?



Scootaloo was so happy, she started crying and hugged Alex again. She wasn’t sure if Alex meant those words before but now, she was sure of it. She had an incredible sister as Rainbow Dash but she also had a cool brother now. The rest of the crusaders joined her and thanked Alex again for all the presents he brought for them. Finally, Alex gave them some candies from Earth to all of them; he brought three full boxes with different candies and chocolates: Snickers, Milky-way, Marinela, KitKat, Colombina, M&Ms, Butterfingers, and many others, Rainbow Dash finally understood the Joke Alex said when she saw and tasted Skittles for the first time. Everypony got a fair amount of candies and chocolates. Pinkie Pie wanted to eat them all at once, making a huge effort to control herself, she said:

“Ali . . . these are the best candies have I ever tasted! – Everypony agreed - Don’t get me wrong, our candies and chocolates are amazing, but these are on another league. I’m going to tell Bombom and Twist to examine some of these and see if we can make our own!”

Alex only rolled his eyes, he had to admit that Bombon candies were very good but they couldn’t be compared to a bar of Snickers or Skittles, if she and Pinkie Pie managed successfully make their own, maybe he would witness the raise of a candy empire.

It's me or the author thinks the copious amounts of cocksucking his self-insert receives are balanced by the occassional and horribly fake-sounding compliments he gives to the ponies?



Scoffing a lot of chocolates, while cuddling a pony plushie. This must be an accurate representation of the authors life.

Snickers. The best candy Pinkie ever tasted, much better than anything in Equestria is fucking Snickers.

Once the Crusaders were done eating most of their candies and chocolates, they left everything in Sweetie’s room, along with the spare parts Alex brought for their tricycles. Applejack looked a little worried so she asked him:

“Do yah think they should be showing those tricycles around Ponyville sugarcube? Those things aren’t from around here and will raise a lot of questions.”

“Don’t worry Applejack, they are not really that impressive or futuristic, maybe some ponies will ask what they are or how can they get one for their fillies or colts, maybe they will ask you, Rarity or Rainbow Dash for your permission to study them and make some copies. What would be wrong with that?”

“You are right, how I wish we knew you when we were little. I must admit those things look really fun!”

That's it ponies, suck your masters dick like no tomorrow!

Alex couldn’t believe how much they were impressed with things so common in his world; he started to think what kind of reaction they would have when they finally saw what he had stored inside the warehouse. Would they be ready for it?

The only reason they are impressed with all that garbage is because the author reduced their mental faculties to that of a toddler. Ponies already have arcade machines, scooters and skateboards.

Honestly, this whole gift selection was pure garbage. You can tell the author doesn’t have an ounce of creativity and just went for the most obvious shit he could think of. Twilight? Books of course. Rarity? Fashion magazines. Applejack and Rainbow Dash? Just give them some clothes. Fluttershy? Animals! Pinkie? Candy! The CMC? Toys! Spike? Comics and toys, but the “manly” kind.

If it were me, I would give them culture. The biggest, thickest encyclopaedias I could find, books to cover as many subjects as possible, from STEM to art, history and cooking, the freaking Bible, dictionaries for the most widely spoken languages, classic novels, etc. Don’t bring the kids some shitty toys; bring them books about folklore and mythology from countries all over the world, classic tales. You want to give them comic books? Great, give them the best of some of our most famous icons. How about some Alan Moore?

What I want to say is, put some fucking effort on your writing, you lazy, spanish sperging dickmongler.


-----

CANTERLOT PALACE


Celestia, Luna, Princess Cadence and Shining Armor were returning from their long trip. Both Princesses were really excited about the Gladiator’s Tournament that was going to take place in Canterlot.

“Tia, do you plan to invite Princess Twilight and her friends?”

“Yes Lulu, I think she can help us prepare everything for the event, I think this will help her to get used to her knew title. Besides, we need to ask her if she wants to let Spike compete”

Did Spike ever fought on the previous story? I mean, aside of ordering the Bisons around and striking the Changeling Queen by surprise, I don’t remember anything else.

“Yes! I’d really like to see that! - Cadence said - the poor little guy’s mood has been down since . . . you know.”

“Yes honey, I think everypony’s mood has been down since that day, but hey! Let’s cheer up! I’m sure he wouldn’t like to see us like this.”

All the paths lead to Alex, as always.

“You are right - Luna said - trust me, I know you are right! It’s just . . . he was one of my VERY few friends outside of my family, he liked my nights, he played with me, and he even gave us his Iphone.”

"No wonder you've been shirking your duty."

"What can I say? I really wanted that high score on Angry Birds."


“Iphone? What’s that?” – Shining Armor asked.

Luna’s eyes widened in surprise while Celestia just facehoofed herself for her mistake. She had forgotten they never told Shining and Cadence about Alex’s tech, she spilled the beans about it, so they both decided to tell them all the truth, after showing the Iphone and making a little demonstration about the Apps, music, games and videos, both Rulers of the Cristal Empire were Speechless.

“Wow! This device is amazing! And you are telling me Twili has more like this at Ponyville!?”

“Yes Cadence, Alex left them to her and Spike as a parting gift, she uses it to study and Spike… well, to play. Sometimes she borrows it to us, sorry if we didn’t tell you sooner but we wanted to study them first, as Alex, Luna and I think many ponies are not prepared for something like this, not yet.”

“I understand aunt. But really, human technology is incredible we better not let it fall in the wrong hoofs.” Cadence said.

Yes, god forbid Queen Chrysallis beat Luna's score in Angry Birds.

Seriously. The whole thing comes off as Alex being worried that if this stuff gets mass produced everybody will divert their attention away from him.

“I agree my little niece, let´s be grateful it came to us from a kind human.”

Both princesses nodded and each went to their own room. Once in her room, Princes Celestia started writing something:

“Dear Princess Twilight. . .”

"I have great news for you, but first, let us remember how awesome Alex was and how much do we miss him."
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truthordeal


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post Mar 5 2017, 04:37 PM
QUOTE (Dashguy @ Mar 3 2017, 06:28 AM) *


Yo, hold up a minute. Did this dude just shoe-horn in his main character buying Rainbow Dash a CM Punk t-shirt out of left field?


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Dashguy


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post Mar 7 2017, 04:00 AM
Before we begin this chapter, I would like to point out that at the time this chapter was originally posted, Keep Living for Friendship has reached 100 likes on FimFiction.net. To celebrate this, the author decided to draw a special picture for his fans.



As much as it pains me to say this, this may be the best picture he's drawn. Granted, it's still shit, but it's not as bad as some of the other stuff we've seen.

Well, Alex still has a deformed, claw-like left hand and both, his pony form and Spike look like they have been inflating their heads with helium, but the sign looks nice, I guess.

Now we can start this chapter, which involves Alex reuniting with the Royal Family.

On the next morning, Twilight and everypony were getting ready for their trip to Canterlot. She was so excited; this was her very first assignment as a Princess, she had always heard about the Coliseum Tournament but she never ever expected it to be held in Canterlot, it was a lot of responsibility, but it made her happy, not to mention the fact that the other Princesses didn’t know Alex was alive. Once ready, they all got aboard the Train of Friendship:

I doubt everything in Equestria is named after friendship.

To be fair, it’s called the “Friendship Express”.

Ah, I see.

“So Alex, are you excited about seeing the Princesses again?”

“Yes Twilight, It’s not really that long since I saw them, but when someone believes you are dead, I guess time is the last thing that matters”.

“I agree with you Alex, I can’t wait and I can’t believe we will see a real Coliseum tournament!”

“Yeah! What exactly is it Twilight?”

Rainbow Dash was the one to answer:

“Dude, it’s the most exciting event in the entire world, far more important than the Equestria Games or even the Best Flyer Competition, it’s a tournament where the best fighters are gathered to test their abilities to become the strongest warrior in the entire World. I have only seen pictures of the past events and trust me, they look AWESOME!”

I strongly believe that this 'Colosseum Tournament' is actually in the show. It has to be something the author made, in order to stroke his ego.

It is. Also, notice how the event in question is, of course, “far more important” than the freaking Equestria Games, the sort-of equivalent of the Olympics.

“So, neither of you have participated in one of those tournaments, right? – Alex Asked.

Applejack was the one to answer his question:

“No sugarcube, yah see, it’s been ages since one is held in Equestria and yes yah can say one pony can travel to the other countries to watch it or to participate, the problem is that the tickets and the travel fees for the event are really expensive. Trust me, Rainbow Dash and ah had always wanted to go but we can’t afford it”

“I understand, so being the country that is hosting it means that it will be free for us this time, correct?”

“Ah’d like to say it will, but no. The only thing Ah can tell yah is that at least equestrians will have a very good discount in tickets.” - Applejack replied with an optimistic look.

I’m pretty sure Applejack would be more interested in using the opportunity to sell her wares.

“So, who won the last tournament?” – Alex asked.

It was me.

I won the tournament with my bare hands!


Rainbow Dash had read most of the information available regarding these tournaments so she was the one to answer this:

“It was Bright Courage! A powerful Minotaur, he was the best hunter in the entire world. He slew at least one of every monster in all of Equestria, Ursa Minors, Hydras, Manticores, Chimeras and the list goes on, so be sure we will see a lot of Minotaurs this year, it’s a shame he is retired since the last tournament. But maybe we will see him in the audience” – Rainbow Dash was so excited by telling this, it seemed as if she was a big fan of the Minotaur.

Maybe I’m nitpicking here, but I don’t think the ponies would be really fascinated by a guy who goes around killing animals just for the thrill of it.

“Wow! I believe ponies have participated in these tournaments before and it’s not that I underestimate Minotaurs or any other non-magical being but how is it possible for someone to beat a unicorn without magic?” – Alex asked them.

“Oh! You see Alex; there are special rules in these tournaments to make it fair for every participant and to prevent any kind of tragedy. You will hear about them, I promise.” – Twilight answered.

Hopefully one of those rules bans Alex from using his retard blades.

Once again, we gotta make sure the dork can be useful despite not having magic.

“Ok girls; is anypony of you planning to participate in this tournament? – Alex asked, knowing that some of them were.

Everypony shook their heads, excluding Raindow Dash and Spike. Twilight was the only one to notice this:

“Spike! Do you know what I think about you entering the Tournament?”

“…But Rainbow Dash is going to participate, and I think Alex will. Am I right Alex?” – Spike asked.

Fluttershy was looking at Alex, waiting for him to say he wasn’t going to participate. Alex thought Spike was right, maybe he could compete, he had the fighting skills and according to what they told him, he wasn’t risking his life this time.

You’re not fighting a bunch of dumb animals or a pampered prince this time either.

“I don’t know Spike, let’s see what the Princesses have to say first and then I’ll tell you know if I want to participate or not.”

That reminds me, the princesses made an alliance with Discord in the previous story. What ever happened to that plot point?

Come on, you don’t really think the author would allow any character that could eclipse his self-insert, do you?

Spike was a little sad after hearing this: “Ok brother, do as you wish. Twilight… C’mon! You know I can fight now and you know it’s not that dangerous anymore, I know we are talking about some bruises, but you know the lives of the competitors are not in danger and it’s obvious that because of my age, I will fight the younger competitors.”

“I promise I’ll think about it after we speak with the Princesses” – Twilight said, a little reluctant.

The rest of the trip was quiet and nice. They asked Alex some questions about his world and what he did while he was away. They asked him about how he got the Quetzales, which he said it was a very risky thing to do but it was worth it.

Ha-Ha! Because poaching some endangered birds was totally worth it.

Seriously Alex, go eat a bag of dicks.


Everypony laughed when he told them about the first time he used the Teleportation spell, Twilight told him he had it easy, the very first time she tried that not only she teleported to the wrong place but somehow she got her mane on fire, everypony laughed so hard it made the rest of the passengers laugh too. Twilight said she was going to teach him some magic with some help from Sweetie Bell and the rest of the crusaders, Alex was very happy to hear this; he didn’t want to fall on top of things or breaking any stuff again. It was the best thing that some of the greatest magic user were going to teach him.

Honestly? I’m more interested in knowing who taught him martial arts, weapons handling and all that stuff.

They finally arrived at Canterlot, Alex could not hide his excitement for this city; all of its colorful places, the streets and houses, everything was so perfectly crafted, it was still the most beautiful city he had ever seen. When they got off the train they were welcomed by Celestia’s Royal Guards who carried their luggage. They bowed in front of the princess and then started to put all of their things in a wagon. At first, the Royal Guards were suspicious of the unknown pony that came with the heroines and the little dragon hero of Canterlot and the Cristal Empire, Twilight told them he was with them and was a good friend so he had to be treated as such. All of them nodded and took his luggage too, they offered to take them in a chariot but they declined seeing how Alex was excited about being in the city once again, as soon as the guards were gone, everypony started walking through the city’s beautiful streets. Alex was so impressed to see all of the houses looking as good as new, he also remembered how damaged the city was after the fight that took place there.

Riveting.

They visited Donut’s Joe and Pixel Berry Bar, none of them recognized Alex but that was fine since he didn’t want to get a lot of attention. Alex wasn’t paying much attention on the road because he was thinking about how the princesses would react after knowing he was still alive, all of a sudden he crashed against his favorite noble Fancy Pants. He used his magic to help him stand up and then he heard these words:

“How dare you do that to Mr. Fancy Pants you commoner” - Jet Set said.

Oh fuck me, not this tosser again!

Look Mr. Set, I DID NOT KILL THAT PROSTITUTE!!


(Déjà vu)

“Sigh . . . would it help if I say it was an accident?”

“Of course n. . . . .” – Jet Set was interrupted by Fancy Pants: “Yes of course young boy. . .”

“My name is Alex, thank you Mr. Fancy Pants” Jet set seemed to shudder when he heard that name.

“Alex? How curious, anyway I’m sorry for bumping into you”

“No need to Apologize Mr. Fancy Pants” – Alex replied.

“Well thank you boy, and Miss Rarity I see you are here with your friends and this fine Stallion. May I ask why?”

“Yes you may, you see we are here to help Princess Celestia with an up-coming event” – Rarity answered. She didn’t want to spoil it so she didn’t reveal the name.

“Oh I see, well I hope we can have a little talk later including your friends of course. See you later!”

Everypony started to walk, but Jet Set got near Alex and whispered.

“You are lucky peasant, I don’t know why but I feel I’ve seen you before. I’ll tell you this, commoners like you are not welcomed here…”

“Whatever you say old man; now let me give you an advice of my own, stay out of my way or I will break your nose like I heard somepony did at Gala 2.” – Alex replied with an evil grin on his face.

Tell me Dashguy, have you ever seen a Human in Equestria protagonist, who wasn't a raging dickhead?

Nope. At best, you get guys like Alex, who act “nice” towards the “good guys” and treat those the author doesn’t like total shit. At worst, you get guys that are gigantic assholes yet everybody loves them somehow. Speaking about the latter, there are stories in which the opposite occurs: the guy doesn’t so much as raise his hand to say “hi” and the ponies immediately jump on his throat like hungry wolves. Don’t get me wrong, those stories are as much of a power fantasy as this one; for once the guy gets some power, he immediately goes to enact vengeance on all ponies, regardless of the fact it was only a few who wronged him.

I'll admit that I have never heard of these 'ponies attack self-insert and he wipes them out in revenge' stories.

Here's one.

Jet Set stood there, shocked. Everypony else in his group was trying to make him move, Alex kept on walking towards the rest of his gang with a huge smile on his snout.

He didn’t reveal himself to Fancy Pants or tell him where they were going. In other words, the whole scene was written so Alex could feel like a badass by threatening Jet Set. Nice.

After walking for a little longer, Alex and the rest arrived at the Palace, Thanks to Twilight’s influence Alex got a room just for him; Princess Celestia was a little busy at the Throne room, so all of them waited inside their rooms for her to be available. After approximately an hour, they were summoned to the throne room, the mane 6 and Spike were the first ones to enter, once they were inside, they were surprised to find not only the Princesses but Cadence and Shining Armor as well. After a brief welcome, Princess Celestia said:

“Welcome my little ponies I hope your travel here was nice!”

“You have no idea Princess Celestia. I speak for everypony by saying that this was the best train ride since months.” Rarity answered, everypony else nodded.

“Really?! May I ask why?” – Princess Celestia asked.

“Well, we have the company of a very good friend of ours. One we missed so much” – Rarity answered.

“I see. May I know the name of this particular pony?”

“Well, why don’t we let him come in and ask him yourself, I’m pretty sure you will find him quite interesting, he is outside the room now.”

NO! Not more of this padding shit!

“Why didn’t you say so before? Guards! Please let Princess Sparkle’s friend come in”

The royal guards escorted the mysterious pony into the room until Alex was in front of the four princesses.

“Hello my little pony, nice to meet you” – Princess Celestia said.

“Hey Princess Celestia, it’s an honor to see you again…”

“Again? That’s curious. Forgive me if I don’t remember meeting you before.”

“Don’t worry Princess; I know I look a lot different from the last time we met.”

Unicorn prostitutes tend to change appearances all the time.

Twilight and her friends tried not to laugh. It seemed nopony recognized him yet. Alex turned to Luna:

“Princess Luna, I must say it’s nice to meet you again. And by the way, it’s a beautiful night out there; you’ve really outdone yourself as always.”

A couple of days ago, my Mom came back home and, as soon as she entered, she whispered to me that her Goddaughter was hiding behind the door and asked me to act surprised when she jumps out. I did as I told. This shit reminds me exactly of that. The difference is that my Mom’s Goddaughter is six years-old and she was on vacation for a week, while Alex is on his middle twenties and was supposed to be fucking dead.

Princess Luna blushed.

Let me give you some advice, GorillaGamer. If you ever find yourself in Equestria and want to score with Princess Luna, just make sure you compliment her night sky. You’ll have her eating from your palm in no time.

Why would I want to score with Princess Luna?

Don't knock it until you've tried it, son.

She was still confused, who was this Pony? She was pretty sure she never met many ponies outside the elements and the royalty circle, but still this pony seemed familiar. His face, his hair, even his eyes; those clothes and shoes and his pendant, HIS PENDANT! Where did she see that pendant before? She started to walk near him to inspect him it a little closer. Alex noticed this and said:

“Do you like my pendant? It’s nice isn’t it? A very good friend of mine gave it to me as a parting gift!”

Princess Luna stopped at some inches from where he was, she looked at it for a little longer, until she finally recognized it. It was impossible!

“. . . not possible! It’s just, this is not possible!” – She said.

Hey, that's the same thing I said when I learnt that there was a sequel to Keep Living for Friendship.

Celestia, Cadence and Shining Armor kept staring at Luna and the nameless pony; they got even more confused after seeing the Elements sharing some tears. Luna ignored them; Alex let out a tear and said:

“It’s possible, trust me. You wanted me to see the world as you do and I really want to thank you for that Luna!”

Luna’s eyes widened as she started to cry.

“May I please …?”

“Of course Luna, you may.” Alex said while lowering his head.

Luna used her magic to slowly remove Alex’s Metapendant. Everypony was immediately surrounded by the brightest light they had ever seen. When the light was gone there he was: Alex the human, hugging a shocked Luna. Princess Celestia, her guards and the rest stood there in silence.

“I missed you my moon-friend.” Alex said.

Moon-friends, the fuck?

Seriously, that’s specially gay, even for My Little Pony.

Luna was so full of questions: “How is this possible? He was dead, and maybe this is a changeling. But Twilight must have used a scanning Spell before bringing him here. Maybe some sort of necromancy? No! He didn’t smell rotten and he looks like he has a soul, maybe a joke…”
The elements and her sister were looking at him, Luna could have tried to find many explanations but in the end none of them mattered. Alex was here, in front of her. Following her instincts, she hugged him.



AND THEN LUNA SUPLEXED ALEX TO DEATH!!

He looks like he’s hugging a Great Dane.

“I MISSED YOU TOO!” Luna said using her Canterlot Royal voice.

Alex was about to say something but was interrupted by a hug from Princess Celestia who was also crying.

“Alex?! Are you really him? But how…?”

“I promise I will explain everything, but for now, please let me give you a hug.” Alex answered. He was unable to stop crying.

It just ocurred to me, why does he have to be the one explaining everything? I mean, all he knows is that he woke up in a hospital where they saved his life, period. Why is he the one who come up with theories for that shit?

Princess Cadence and Shining Armor said:

“Alex, we thought you were dead!”

“Everypony was thinking the same thing Shining, everypony including myself. I thought those were my last moments. I will explain all of this later, but please let me enjoy this moment first!”

Shining nodded and then hugged Alex along with the princesses.

---

DINNING HALL


After sharing his story on how he was able to survive, Alex and the rest; including the princesses, were sitting at a large table. Luna was sitting next to Alex asking him some random questions. Celestia said:

“So Alex, you are saying that thanks to that Oak tree in your world, you managed to return here to Equestria, right?”

“Yes, I remembered that place where I fell asleep when I was sent here for the first time so I tried again and fortunately, I was right.” – Alex answered.

“Are you telling me you went to that tree many times until it finally worked?” Luna asked.

Alex didn’t want to answer that question, but if he lied Luna and Applejack would immediately find out: “Well, the day I chose to try to return was the last day of your meteor shower. I would have given up if it didn’t work, but for some unknown reason it did…”

“I see, lucky as always!” Luna said this while putting her hoof on Alex’s shoulder.

“Yes, well I think that tree or that park is somehow connected to Equestria. Am I right Princess?”

Meaning that either me or Dashguy can search for this mystical oak tree in Guatemala, and end up in Equestria!

Beats having to get shot or just whining until some kind of deity takes pity.

“Well my little human, I do believe in coincidences, but working for a second time, I’d be willing to believe that too. We will talk about that in the future, for now I think we can celebrate the return a hero!” – Luna answered.

“Really? What kind of hero? I didn’t know there was a hero here!”

“Silly Alex, we are talking about you!” – Princess Luna said.

“What? No! I’m no hero” – Alex replied looking very surprised.

But you certainly don’t mind the fame, appreciation and shit that comes with being one.

Princess Cadence said:

“Yes, you are Alex. You saved us from my bro…, from Blueblood and Chrysalis’ wrath, if that doesn’t make you a hero, I don’t know what else would!”

“I didn’t do it all by myself, in fact you and the rest made most of the work!” – Alex said. He was still refusing the idea of being called a hero.

“Darling please, you are doing it again. Don’t sell yourself short, you helped a lot. You even kil… you defeated Blueblood!” – Rarity said.

Don’t you love how Blueblood always seem to go before Chrysalis, even when’s she was the one who retrieved the dark magic amulets and had an army at her beck and call?

Alex remembered the one thing that made him afraid of being back in Equestria – “How could I forget about that?” – He said to himself. He turned to Princess Luna, Celestia and Cadence and got on his knees, his face on the floor.

“Alex? What are you doing?” – Princess Luna asked.

“I’m sorry. I know he was a tyrant but he was also a pony, your nephew as well as Cadence’s brother. I took a pony’s life; I will accept any punishment you want to give me. But please know that I’m truly sorry!” – Alex said. His heart was full of guiltiness. How was he able to forget what he did? He wasn’t able to forgive himself.

I'm sorry, but this whole thing is asininely retarded. Why is Alex apologizing for killing a tyrannical ruler? That'll be like if I begged for Churchill's forgiveness, after I personally shot Hitler.

But how else are we going to show he’s a super humble dude?

Now seriously, I’ve got two to say things here. Number one, FUCK YOU. You don’t get to play the “I took a life! I’m so sorry!” card when your entire character is modeled after a fucking assassin and you go everywhere armed with weapons made for killing.

Number two, his apology looks incredibly fake. Much like with his compliments, it’s not enough to say “Thanks, Applejack. This pie is delicious!”, he has to go with “Thank you, Applejack! This pie is the best one I have tasted in my whole life! You should be proud of your skills and anybody who says otherwise is, frankly, an idiot!” The whole thing is so overblow that it reminds me of those scheming, slimeball villains that cower and play the wounded gazelle when the heroes discover his shit.


This, a hundred times this! Why cosplay as an assassin when you hate killing peo-ponies?!

The Princesses looked at each other. Suddenly, a smile appeared on their snouts. Luna approached Alex, using her magic to lift him from the floor. She told him:

“Alex, you have nothing to be sorry about, he was indeed a living creature, but the pony you killed wasn’t our nephew, he was just a creature whose heart was filled with hatred and thirst for power.”

I’m pretty sure my heart would be filled with hate too if I had an aunt like you, who went around talking nothing but shit about me. That and the thirst for power to kick her ass.

Princess Cadence got near Alex as well - “Alex, even though it was a hard for me, my brother brought that upon himself. In fact, I’m kind of grateful because by ending his life, you released him from his greed. I’d like to believe he is in a better place now.”

What a lovely reasoning. “It’s okay, Goku. By killing Ten Shin Han, you saved him from a future life as a contract killer!” It works on so many levels.

“But still…” – Alex replied. His eyes were full of tears. Could he finally forgive himself?

“Alex, my little human, you did what was necessary. You saved us, please don’t let that incident cloud your judgment. We are not angry, just a little sad, but you are still a good friend of ours (everypony nodded) and I hope you will continue to help us protecting Equestria” – Princes Luna said.

And they suck his dick. Because why not?

“Just a little sad”. Not much, mind you. We don’t want to forget Blueblood was EVULZ.

“I would give my life if necessary!” – Alex’s voice was full of determination, his words made them tremble.



“Please, don’t say that! We don’t want you to go through that again! – Princess Cadence said – I think we’ve had enough of these sad memories. To be honest, I think it’s time for a… Pinkie Pie would you please…?”

Pinkie Pie used all of the air in her lungs:

“A WELCOME BACK PARTY!”

The doors to the Throne Room opened a few minutes later, the kingdom cooks entered the hall. They brought the most delicious snacks one could ever think of. Music, food and happiness were all over the place, everypony inside the palace had a really great time. Alex answered all of the questions the princesses could think of. They all danced until exhaustion, at the end all of them agreed on one thing: It was the best party they ever had (in the last months at least).

I'm at a bit of a crossroads here; do I criticize Alex for lazily glossing over the party, or do I thank the stars that I missed out on reading about a boring party?

And while we’re at it, it’s me or all of the party descriptions sound exactly the freaking same?

Later that night, while everypony was sleeping, Alex woke up all of a sudden. He was feeling a little thirsty and had a pain in his back – “Wow! I forgot to remove my Metapendant after princess Luna asked me to show her some magic stuff I learned while I was practicing on earth. I haven’t got used to sleep in my pony form yet.” – He got of his bed and trotted towards the door – “Being a pony has some advantages, I can use magic and have a lot of strength and stamina, but I feel way better being a human. There is no way I can practice parkour while on my pony form.” – He said to himself.

I understand. I too, often find myself waking up in the middle of the night to loudly exposit about my life to nobody in particular.

Once he reached the door, he opened it up and found Fluttershy on the other side. She was just standing there, outside of his room; it seemed as if she wanted to knock on the door. She was frozen - “Is there anything you want to tell me?” – Alex asked her, while looking right into her eyes.

“I wanted to…” – Fluttershy said.

“Yes?” – Alex asked.

“Please, just forget it! Forget you saw me here!” – Fluttershy started to run away as fast as she could. Alex didn’t know what to do; he was so surprised to find her standing there.

“Wait!” - That was the only thing he could say before he started to run after her. He had many questions in his mind. He didn’t even stop to think for a reason to run behind her, all he wanted to do was to catch her up. She was fast, but Alex wasn’t any slow, he had trained very hard in his pony form. He hadn’t noticed they both were running through the royal gardens until he was close enough to grab her hoof.

“Fluttershy, STOP! What’s going on? Please tell me…” – Alex wanted to ask so many things.

Fluttershy didn’t say a word, she was covering her face with her mane, she was trying to let go of Alex’s hoof but her efforts weren’t enough. She calmed down after some seconds and then she looked at Alex, right into his eyes. It was obvious she had something to say, her cute face gave her away, he knew she wanted to hell him something since the moment he came back, but he also knew that for some reason he was trying to avoid her. Now, there they were, standing in front of each other, the moon was brighter than ever. It was the right time to settle things up.

*gasp!* this could be it...

The Guatemalan birds flew away?

Alex was the first one to talk.

“Fluttershy, there is something…” He was interrupted by her voice.

“Alex, what do you think about me?”

“What do you mean by that?” – Alex asked. He didn’t know how to answer that question.

“Well, you do know I like you, right?”

“Well, I do. I think you made it very clear that day.” – Alex said.

“Oh yes, I did. Sorry about that. Well, I like you but I need to know if you said you like me too. Is that…true?” – Fluttershy eyes were brighter than the moon, it was clear that every word was coming from her heart.

Alex stood there; he was so lost in her eyes. The answer to that question was more than obvious. However, he couldn’t stop thinking about having feelings for someone who wasn’t human.

“Fluttershy, I like you …a lot”

No shit!

“Rea …Really?” – Fluttershy seemed so happy after hearing this.

“I really like you Fluttershy, but…”

“What is it Alex?”

“There are some things that make me … I don’t know, back off …like …”

“It’s because I’m a pony right?” – Fluttershy stopped looking at his eyes.

“What? No! Maybe…” - Alex had a lot of things going on in his head when he said that.

“Yeah … I thought so. I know that when you see me or my friends, we remind you of the ponies in your home planet, don’t we?”- She asked this while looking to the ground.

“… Not exactly …” – Alex answered.

“Yes, we do! - Fluttershy started to cry - ponies in your world are mindless and dirty animals, right? Besides, I know you were raised to like human girls. I know you will never be able to love an animal, right? After all … It’s a taboo on earth, when you see me you see something you can’t love, maybe a good friend but not someone you could love … trust me, I thought the same thing, how in the world would I love a creature who wasn’t a pony? But in the end, my heart was the one who chose you. I didn’t care if you were a human, a pony or even a dragon! I fell in love with your heart! I fell in love with you even knowing it was a lost cause. How to love someone that will never feel anything for a… a … farm animal?!”

Ah, don't worry about the farm animal part. You'll fit in well in the Deep South.

I’m more bothered by the fact Fluttershy is talking shit about Earth horses. “Mindless, dirty animals”? I’m pretty sure there are a lot of people out there who would slap the shit out of you if you said that about their horses.

Alex couldn’t help it. He lifted her face until their eyes met again.

“Fluttershy, please stop! I can’t deny that some of the things you said are true, and I honestly has the same thoughts, but please believe me when I say that you and our friends are not just animals to me, I know you are not physically human, but you can feel, smile, love… you are not ugly or dirty, you are beautiful. It’s true that I am afraid of a lot of things, but please believe me they all go away whenever I see your face, your eyes, you drive me crazy. Fluttershy, please don’t say those words ever again.”

First Applejack’s mane and now Fluttershy. This guy has a knack for keeping the stuff that drives him crazy well hidden.

Fluttershy was shocked. Nopony had ever said that to her outside of her friends. Many ponies had always pushed her over or tried to take advantage of her but Alex was different, he really cared for her. She needed to say it tonight; she had to try…

“Alex, I know we both have issues with ourselves about … having relationship but I think, I believe we should try, Alex please give me a chance, please …would you be my very special somepony?”

Alex couldn’t believe what she just said. He knew what to answer if something like this ever happened, but hearing her made him forget everything he was supposed to say. He knew in his heart he wanted to try, he wanted to be that special somepony. Using all of his strength, he said:

"Get on with it!"

“Fluttershy, I am sorry, but no!”

“What? - Fluttershy was about to faint, she felt as if the world was falling on her shoulders.

“Let me finish. If you are going to be my girl. Please let me be the one to ask!” – Alex’s voice calmed her heart.

"I wanna push the button, Mommy! I wanna, I wanna, I wanna!"

He continued - “Fluttershy, would you …would you be my …” - Fluttershy touched Alex’s face and said:

“C’mon … you can do it, please.”

“Fluttershy …would you be my very special somepony?”

“Yes!” Fluttershy said, her voice was full of excitement. They both hugged, as if they wanted to never let go of each other.

“So, what now?” – Alex asked.

“Well, maybe a little kiss would be fine. But only if you want to. Please forget it, I know I’m going too fast…” – Fluttershy was interrupted by the look in Alex’s eyes.

“I think a kiss would be awesome” – He said.



SQUEE! The love between Alex and Moe Horse has been confirmed! Oh, this is a joyous occasion!

Also, I just noticed that Alex's cutie mark is the Assassin's Creed logo.


With wings. Because, uh, he’s good at flying assassinations or something?

They slowly approached each other until their lips finally met; both of them always heard things about seeing sparklers when kissing their loved ones. They didn’t see anything like that; they felt it in their hearts. When they stopped kissing, they looked at each other and smiled then started their way back to the palace. It was sad to say goodnight, but they knew they would see each other in the morning. Alex went into his room, he was about to remove his metapendant to have a better sleep, but suddenly he stopped.

“Maybe getting more used to this body will come in handy.”

To avoid the furry accusations.

He jumped on his bed and got as comfortable as he could. He closed his eyes and tried to sleep not knowing that this was the first of many sleepless nights.

You didn’t think he was going to sleep after that without jerking off, did you?
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Post #10
Dashguy


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post Mar 15 2017, 03:59 AM
After a good night of sleep (in his pony form), Alex woke up with a smile on his face, it was a really nice feeling to have a marefriend, even though getting used to say this word would take it’s time.

I agree. These acid reflux are not going away anytime.

After removing his Metapendant, Alex took a shower and got dressed so he could join everypony else in the Dining Hall. Before leaving his room, he heard someone knocking on his door; he went to see who it was and found Fluttershy looking for him:

“Hello beautiful!” - Alex said, giving a little kiss on her lips. She looked happy but her face was a little blushed.

“Hello Alex, I wanted to know if you would like us to go to the Dining Hall together; if that is ok with you, of course.”

And their first date consists of walking to the Royal Dining Hall. Brilliant.

The author really knows how to keep the readers captivated.

“That would be great Shy! Just give me a second.”

Alex was about to put his Metapendant on, but he was stopped by Fluttershy. She asked him:

“What are you doing?”

“I’m just putting my Metapendant on. You know, to become a pony, your special somepony.” – Alex answered.

Fluttershy seemed a little upset after hearing this.

“Alex, you know I like you for who you are. I liked you even before you could turn into a pony. What I want to say is that you don’t need to be a pony all the time. Not that I mind, but please don’t think that I will feel ashamed of being watched next to the human I like, because you are my special somepony.”

So if he's not going to wear the pendant when he's around Moe Horse, then why bother with it at all?

Guess the damn thing is just the excuse to give Alex magic.

“Ok, thanks for that Fluttershy, I am sorry.” – Alex replied.

“No need to be sorry. Just remember, whether you are a pony or human. . . I couldn’t care less.”

“… Come here girl!” – Alex pulled Fluttershy inside his room and kissed her.

After sharing some kisses and hugs, Alex and Fluttershy started walking towards the Dining Hall. She extended one of her wing so he could grab it, it felt like they were holding hands. She looked really happy, it was impossible for her to hide it because of how blushed her face was.

This is so…dull. I’m not saying they should be going at it like rabbits, but right now, it feels incredibly generic.



Wouldn't that be painful for a pegasus to have their wing grabbed like that?

On another note, this image reminds me of that 'wing-boner', that I read in one of your mocks, Dashguy. I just can't remember which one though...


This one. Admittedly, the whole “wing-boner” garbage is something a lot of Bronies like to incorporate in their stories. Fucking nods to the fandom, I swear.

The doors to the Dining Hall opened. Everypony inside was waiting for Alex and Fluttershy to join them so they turned around to greet them but went silent after seeing them “holding hands”. Alex was able to notice the way Rarity’s eyes went fully open, if was just a brief moment because she flew straight to where they were standing.

“Oh my! Oh my! Oh my! Finally! Finally! Fluttershy! You found your special somepony! Well, it was pretty obvious it would be him but OH MY! Alex, you took longer than I expected, you need to make up your mind faster darling. When are you getting married?” – Rarity was asking a lot of questions, she seemed more excited than Alex and Fluttershy themselves.

Please try to understand; she needs her gossip material.

Everypony in the room was shocked after hearing the word wedding. Alex was surprised after watching how they reacted to Rarity’s questions.

“Rarity please, you are going too fast. We just started dating and want to know each other better!” – He said.

Know each other better?!

You've been hanging out with each other for a few months now. Don't you dare use this as an excuse to add in more pointless sappy shit!


“Yes of course darling. Sorry, it’s just that I’m so happy for you guys. Please take good care of her!” – Rarity said.

“Of course I will!”

Rarity was so happy after hearing Alex’s words.

Applejack got next to them and said:

“Ah must say, Ah am happy for you guys! To be honest, this is a relief for me; finally Big Mac and Granny Smith will stop teasing me about going out with Alex!”

“Thanks Applejack. – Alex replied - I’m really flattered, don’t get me wrong but all of you are really beautiful mares, I’m pretty sure someday all of you will find your very special somepony!”

How much are you willing to bet that Alejin will (a) Create five more self-inserts for the ponies to be shipped with. Or (b) Borrow some of the OC's from his 'favourite OC's' picture, that was featured in the previous story, and ship them with the ponies?

Reminds me of this author who writes crossovers between Equestria Girls and Yu-Gi-Oh!. His later stories have nearly all female characters getting paired up with OCs, some of them borrowed from his author friends.

Twilight got next to them and said:

“Congratulations Alex, she is a fine mare. Make sure you treat her right.”

“Trust me Twilight, I will.” – Alex replied.

Pinkie Pie was so happy to see them together; she was unable to hide her excitement and said:

“Wow! I’m so happy, now we are going to have a Congratulations for Finding your Very Special Somepony Party! CfFyVSSP for short! I’ll need some more stuff. I’ll be back in 10 minutes guys. Get ready!”

Fuck me, not another party...

BUT IT’S MY ONLY CHARACTER TRAIT! WHY CAN’T YOU ACCEPT IT?

Pinkie Pie disappeared within a confetti explosion.

The Princesses and Spike gave their blessing to the new couple. After exactly ten minutes, Pinkie Pie was back; she brought a lot of snacks and music so they could have a great time while eating their breakfast.

After they were done, they headed to the Throne Room. Once they were all inside, Princess Celestia was the first one to speak:

“My little ponies, dragon and human; as you already know Equestria will be hosting the next Coliseum Tournament here in Canterlot. I must say Princess Luna and I are really excited for this and we want to know if you want to help us organize it. We need to prepare everything in order to make this the most epic tournament ever. In fact, we know of someone who could make this tournament truly epic!”

Everypony (except Alex) was wondering who that someone could be.

Princess Celestia continued: “You see, almost every kind of creature has competed in this tournament, except for dragons, changelings and… humans.”

So you're gonna throw Queen Chrysallis into the tournament as well? Gotcha.

Your interesting and compelling ideas have no place here, champ.

Everypony was shocked after hearing this, the idea Princess Celestia had in mind was pretty obvious and some of them didn’t like it. Fluttershy didn’t like it.

“So, you want Alex to compete in the tournament?” - Twilight asked. She seemed to dislike the idea.

“Yes I do” – Princess Celestia answered.

“Even knowing he almost died the last time he was involved in a fight?” – Twilight asked this wanting to make a statement.

Except that, you know, those were fights to the death, with no rules. And he almost died due to his own incompetence, if I may add.

He shouldn't have brought the tomahawk...

“Yes, I can see my idea not being well received amongst some of you, but please don’t forget this tournament is not a threat to any creature’s life, Alex can decline my offer to enter if he wants to, but having Alex compete would bring a high amount of audience to this tournament and that would help Equestria’s economy a lot, for I’m sure many kind of creatures would like to have the opportunity to meet the one and only human in Equestria. Not to mention how great would it be to introduce you to the rest of the world.”

Nopony said a word; in their hearts they knew she was right. Equestria wasn’t a poor country in any way but having this tournament and making it a success would obviously raise funds to help Equestria grow even more. Alex competing seemed like a good idea and it would be awesome if he could make it to the finals.

Economy? What the fuck?! Why are we learning about the Equestrian economy all of a sudden?

Because everything Alex does, no matter how small, greatly improves the world around him. Killed a Manticore? It was a tyrant and he indirectly saved Ponyville. Made friends with Lyra? Fixed her reputation and ceased the bullying. Fought Celestia? Restored her faith in humanity. I’m honestly surprised they aren’t trying to use his shit as fertilizer.

Please don't give the author any more ideas.

Everypony wanted to hear what Alex was thinking.

Alex was silent. He was thinking about all of the possibilities entering this tournament could bring. He knew he could help Equestria and he seemed to like the idea of participating. He knew his life wouldn’t be in danger this time according to what the princess said. After making up his mind, he started to speak:

“I like the idea princess. I’d really love to help Equestria in any way I can. Please count me in!”

“Excellent!” - Luna said - “Thank you my friend, you really don’t know how much you are helping us. Thanks to you, no one will ever forget this tournament, we will make history!”

“Thanks Luna. To be honest, I would love not to be eliminated on the first rounds. That would be a real shame.” – Alex said.

"After all, my penis hasn't been sucked by a pony for four months now."

“Don’t worry about that Alex; there may be many skilled and incredible warriors but there are also a lot of amateurs. Judging your abilities, I would not be surprised if you and Spike get a good place.” – Princess Luna replied.

Amateurs? Are you kidding me? If this tournament is so important, to the point it encompasses every other kingdom in the world, there’s no way there will be “amateurs” there.

“What? Why did you mention Spike?” – Princess Twilight asked. She was a little surprised.

“Twilight, Spike had told us about his desire to compete.” – Princess Luna answered.

Twilight seemed not to like this idea at all. Spike knew it was his moment to speak. He gathered all of his strength and said:

“Please Twilight, let me do it. I promise everything will be alright.”

The Princesses knew Spike would be safe. Twilight had to agree after seeing how determined Spike was about participating in this tournament. However, she let everypony in the room know that she would personally stop the event if she felt Spike was in danger.

I can smell the eventual Spike vs Alex battle a mile away...

Princess Luna turned to Rainbow Dash and asked:

“I hear you want to participate in the tournament too, am I right Rainbow Dash?”

“Of course I will compete! It will be a good warm up for the next Equestrian games!” – Rainbow Dash replied, she was so excited about this tournament.

A fighting tournament will be a good warm-up for a competition consisting of flying through hoops. Right. Can’t tell if this is a lame attempt at boasting or just stupid.

Princess Luna was so happy after hearing her; she knew it was the right thing for all of them to show how good they were.

“Excellent! Don’t forget to be ready for the pre-event matches.”

Alex, Spike and Rainbow Dash nodded. Celestia and Luna explained to the mane 6 what their jobs would be. Once they were done, everypony left the room. Alex was the last one to leave, but was suddenly stopped by Luna’s magic.

“And where do you think you are going my human friend?”

"You owe me a night of BUTTSECKS!"

“Well, you said we’ll start preparing everything in two weeks so I’d like to return to Ponyville in the meantime.”

“I see. Please tell me Alex, how many ponies have seen you in your human form by now?” – Princess Luna asked.

“Well, someponies did during my Welcome Back Party, Mayor Mare and her assistant, the CMC, Zecora and Proud Hammer.” – Alex answered.

“Good! Then I believe no Canterlot citizens have seen your human form yet, right?” – She asked.

“I guess so…” – Alex replied.

“Ok, we will announce your return to Equestria today along with the news about Canterlot hosting the Coliseum Tournament. For this reason, we will need you to please stay a little longer.”

Because Alex hasn’t obviously got enough attention since he arrived here.

“Ok Luna, I knew coming here in my pony form was a good idea.” – Alex answered.

Princess Celestia was glad to know Alex was happy to cooperate with them. She called her Royal Guards and five of them appeared out of nowhere.

“Tell our Royal Carpenters to build the Conference Stage right away; the Princesses and I have some great new to say to our little ponies today.”

The Guards nodded and left the Throne Room along with Alex. He asked everypony to come to his room, once everypony was there; he gave the Princesses and Shining Armor, their respective cutie mark necklaces and a good amount of earthling sweets.

Nice to see that a royal couple gets a cheaper gift, than Alex's personal butt-buddy.

Then, he reached a box and brought it to Luna.

“Luna, since you have the spirit of a gamer and knowing how you enjoyed my Iphone I wanted to give you and your sister this…”

Alex opened the box for Luna and took out what was inside. It was a strange kind of device that looked similar to his phone.

“Alex, what is this?” – Luna asked.

“This is an Ipad. Think of it as a bigger version of the Iphone with the only difference that it can’t be used to communicate; I took the liberty to add lots of games and movies for you to enjoy, I hope you…”

Alex hadn’t finished when he was given a hug by Princess Luna.

“Thank you Alex! It means a lot to me, to be honest I was starting to get worried, even though we took good care of your Iphone, we knew it wasn’t going to last forever and I really don’t have the patience to wait around thirty or forty years for us to start crafting similar devices. Thank you again.”

“No problem Luna. After giving me that Metapendant, it was the least I could do!”

Alex showed Luna how it worked. Having some experience with the Iphone, it didn’t take long before she and Celestia could understand how it worked.

So, we don’t get to know what role Twilight and friends will fulfill during this very important tournament that will greatly help the economy of Equestria, but we have to have a scene with Luna playing with a fucking Ipad. The only thing more fucked up that the author’s grammar are his priorities.



Why does Alex look like a shady salesperson, who's selling a defective product to an unsuspecting customer?

Apple? Ha! Good luck repairing that shit once it inevitably breaks.

“Mr. Ipad, I think you and I will get along just fine…– Luna was so happy to play with this new gadget –

Celestia, looking how happy Luna was while playing said: Now my scientists will be able to study Alex’s Iphone. Oh dear! I am sorry Alex, maybe you would like to have your Iphone back!”

“Don’t worry Princess, you can keep it too!” – Alex answered.

“Thank you very much Alex, I will ask our scientists to take good care of it, I promise you it will not be damaged!” – Princess Celestia said.

“You don’t have to worry Celestia, I got another one when I went back to Earth, this one I gave you it’s all yours!”
Alex turned to Shining Armor and Cadence:

“Being honest, I didn’t expect you to know anything about human technology so I didn’t bring any gadgets for you. Please, I’d like you to have this…”

Alex gave them his new Iphone. They hesitated a little but Alex insisted by telling them it was a gift. Shining Armor took it and started to study it. He knew this device was ages ahead to anything equestrian scientists could possibly create. He felt as if he was holding a piece of the future.

“Well, thanks Alex. I really appreciate this gift!” – Shining Armor said.

“Don’t say anything, just enjoy it. Luna can teach you how to use it and how to charge it. You can play games like the ones she has in her device and listen to music. I saved plenty of it in this phone as well.” – Alex said.

Great...now we've got two more ponies playing Angry Birds.

It just ocurred to me, aren’t these Iphones shitty gifts? I mean, without Internet to access information and satellites to communicate over great distances, they’re a glorified radio/mini tv/handheld console. A gadget that will quickly lose its value once everybody gets one.

I doubt the author even uses his IPhone to call his family.

Alex gave them his headphones so they could listen to some music. After a few instructions, Cadence learned how to play music and started to enjoy it. It was obvious she liked the Iphone and loved the music she was listening to. After that, everypony started their way back to their rooms so they could have some rest before the conference.

Alex was a little nervous, since ponies in Canterlot didn’t know he was alive but he knew he had his friends help. Suddenly, someone knocked on his door, “Come in!” he said.

Princess Celestia entered his room and started to speak to him:

“Hello again my friend, I hope you are excited about us letting everypony know you are still alive”

“I am, and I am excited about the Coliseum Tournament too!”

“Glad to hear that!” – The princess replied.

A weird silence filled the room; Alex knew that wasn’t the only question he was going to answer. Princess Celestia continued:

“Alex, you do know where the portal to your world is right?”

“Yeah, I told you there is a park in my…” – He answered.

She said 'to YOUR world', you stupid bastard!

“Alex please, I’m asking you this as a friend. Don’t lie to me”

“…” – Alex didn’t want to answer that question.

“So…” – Princess Celestia insisted.

“…Well, The two times I got here I appeared in the same place inside the Everfree Forest.”

“I see… - The princess said - may I ask why you didn’t tell us this before?”

“To be honest, I was scared. That portal is my only way to get here, to get to this beautiful world, as I told you I don’t hate my world, but I love this one as if it was my own. Right now, I believe I’m the only human with such a gift and I believe you have the power to seal the portal if you know its exact location. You told me you trust humans more than you did before. But you are a princess who wants only the best for her country. You wouldn’t hesitate to close it if you find it necessary. Am I right?” – Alex seemed a little sad while telling this.

So you didn’t tell her because you were afraid she would close the door to your little playground?

Princess Celestia thought of the correct way to answer Alex’s question.

“Yes my human friend. To be honest, some months ago I wouldn’t have hesitated to send you back by force and close the portal to the human world, your human world. But now, I’m not sure, as I said I believe your kind is worth a change to be trusted. Alex, I believe you know the exact time when the portal will open and close again. I can’t believe how easy was for the rest to believe that you got here by mere coincidence.”

Alex, scratched his head, he knew he had lied to them in some way.

“Well, I didn’t think they would believe me at first but fortunately they did. You see princess, it’s not like the portal opens by itself; it opens because of you and Luna”

Alex noticed how confused the princess seemed after hearing his words so he explained the way their Meteor Shower somehow interacted with the portal, allowing him to travel to Equestria. He also explained that he was able to know when the portal would open again thanks to Luna’s’ schedule.

Wait, when'd he get this schedule?

something something Ipad something something Brave Birds

Princess Celestia realized there were still a lot of things she ignored.

“That is very interesting. So according to your theory, the portal needs a little magic push to open?” – She asked.

“Yes. That’s what I believe. Princess, could you please tell me what will happen with the portal now that you know this? Are you angry with me for hiding this information?”

“No Alex, I’m not mad at you. Believe it or not, I understand your feelings and somehow I agree with you, some information is better kept secret. I won’t force you to tell me where it is, I’ll be waiting for you to feel ready to tell me its location. I also want you to know now that I trust you more than ever, you could have told others and bring many humans with you to take Equestria but you didn’t. Once again you have proven to me that there are good humans not willing to take things by force.”

This argument kind of loses strenght when you realize there’s no way this cretin has enough money to convince a team of hardened mercenaries to drive through a tree in order to reach a world that only exists in a fucking cartoon.

B-but he won the lottery!"

Princess Celestia hugged Alex, to let him know she was happy to have him here. She continued:

“Alex, please be careful with this information, there are ponies and other creatures that would want to know about other worlds. About new opportunities to expand their territories and a world without magic would be an easy prey for them. I’m not saying this because I think your world is weak and can be easily conquered, after watching some of those movies you showed us, I truly believe your world would fight back, so I’m only saying this in order to avoid any damage to our worlds” – Her words made Alex feel his secret was safe with her.

Please don't go into this shit. I'm not ready for a Conversion Bureau story yet.

“Thanks Celestia, I’m truly sorry for keeping this secret from you. I will let you know the location to the portal when I’m ready.”

I think I get it now. Why doesn’t this guy want Twilight to share the books he brought her? Why did he bring fancy, but mostly useless shit like Ipads, candy and other cheap gifts? Why doesn’t he want to reveal the location of the portal?

It’s because he’s afraid of the ponies getting to know more about humanity and realizing he’s nothing special. That his Parkour and martial arts prowess is nothing compared to that of the true masters and professionals. That his selflessness pales in comparison to that of firefighters, rescuers and doctors on the other side of the world. That humanity has much more to offer than just cheap trinkets and candy you can buy on a fucking vending machine. In short, he’s afraid of the ponies finding out he’s just a pathetic, useless neckbeard and that there are thousands like him.


Celestia nodded and headed for the door. Before leaving the room, she turned to Alex and said:

“I just need to know one more thing, when Luna and I start the next meteor shower, what are you going to do? Will you go back to earth or will you stay here?”

“I don’t have an answer to that question yet… I’m sorry princess.”

“Please think about it, I know it’s your world but you have to admit Equestria is a very good place to live in, isn’t it?” – The princess asked with a smile.

“Yes it is. I’ll wait until the next meteor shower to answer that question.” – Alex answered.

Again with this shit. “Do I get back to the Earth, where I’ve got a bunch of nameless, cardboard cutouts as friends and lots of money, or do I stay in Equestria where I’m famous, everybody loves me and I can use magic? Questions, questions!”

“Fair enough! Ok, see you later my dear human. By the way, Luna and I were thinking about it and we came to this great idea on how to introduce you to the equestrians again.”

“Please tell me what it is!” – Alex was curious about this idea.

"You must submit to my carnal desires!"

On a similar note, where the hell did the Princess Molestia meme originate from?


If I remember correctly, I think it was one of those “Ask X” Tumblr accounts.

Celestia told Alex how they would handle the news about his return to Equestria, Alex listened carefully to all of her words. When she was finished, they both agreed it was an excellent idea. Princess Celestia left his room so he could have some rest before the conference.

---

After a few hours, it was time for everypony to gather in the conference room; Alex put his Metapendant on an immediately transformed into a pony. He and the rest got together and started their way towards Canterlot Hall. When they arrived, they saw every citizen on Canterlot in that place, the amount of ponies was immense. They were able to make their way to the stage.

He’s going to appear as a pony, then surprise everybody by turning into a human. In short, the same thing he’s been doing since he arrived in Equestria. Coming up with original ideas hurts Alejin’s tiny squirrel brain.

After a few moments, the trumpets announced Princess Celestia was coming to the stage, everypony in the place stood quiet so they could listen to her.

“CITIZENS OF CANTERLOT, MY SISTER AND I HAVE WONDERFUL NEWS FOR ALL OF YOU. IT’S MY PLEASURE TO INFORM YOU THAT CANTERLOT HAS BEEN CHOSEN TO BE THE HOST FOR THE NEXT COLISSEUM TOURNAMENT”

Everypony started to cheer after hearing the news. They were all happy to know that this prestigious tournament was taking place in their hometown.

“AFTER SO MANY DECADES, EQUESTRIA WILL ONCE AGAIN HAVE THE HONOR TO HOST THIS EVENT. FOR THOSE WHO HAVE NEVER GOT THE CHANCE TO SEE IT OR EVEN HEAR ABOUT IT, BE READY FOR A GREAT SHOW. WE WILL BE VISITED BY MANY GUESTS AND FANS. I HOPE, AS THE GREAT PONIES YOU ARE, YOU WILL WELCOME THEM AS IF THEY WERE CITIZENS OF CANTERLOT. YES! WE WILL BE VISITED BY MANY SPECIES AROUND THE WORLD: HORSES, MINOTAURS, ZEBRAS, GRIFFINS, ETC. FOR THOSE WHO WILL ASSIST TO THE FIGHTS, THE TICKETS WILL BE ON SALE IN TWO WEEKS AND FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO PARTICIPATE, THE RULES AND SUBSCRIPTION FEE WILL BE AVAILABLE IN ONE WEEK. PLEASE DON’T WORRY, IS A TOUGH TOURNAMENT BUT I PROMISE YOU THAT THE COMPETITORS WILL NOT BE IN DANGER, WHEN YOU READ THE RULES YOU WILL KNOW WHY.

MY SISTER HAS OTHER GREAT NEWS TO TELL YOU!”

Luna started to walk towards the stage. Among the audience, two creatures started talking to each other:

“Lyra, consider yourself lucky. We got back earlier and in time to hear those amazing news, I still can’t believe you dragged me in your quest to find more humans!”

“Hey! You said you wanted to come. Besides, consider this as the vacations we promised to take years ago!”

“…Whatever, I’m just happy we are returning to Ponyville. I mean it, no more quests in search of humans. It’s obvious that Mr. Alex’s case was just a coincidence.”

“Yes I know, I just hope someday another human will come here.”

Bombom felt sad for Lyra, she hugged her friend and said:

“I’m sorry Lyra. I know talking about Mr. Alex still makes you sad. I’m sorry…”

Fuck...that Lyra chick is back.

WHY DO YOU HATE ME, GOD? WHAT DID I DO TO EARN YOUR WRATH?

“It’s ok Bombom; he is in a better place now ok! Now let’s just hear what Princess Luna has to say, and then we can have some Lunch and go back to Ponyville!”

Princess Luna started to speak:

“HELLO CITIZENS, I HAVE SOME GREAT NEWS TO TELL YOU. WE WILL HAVE MANY KIND OF RACES FIGHTING IN THIS TOURNAMENT, BUT FOR THE VERY FIRST TIME WE WILL HAVE PARTICIPANTS OF TWO SPECIES THAT HAVE NEVER ENTERED THE COLISEUM TOURNAMENT BEFORE!”

Everypony looked to each other; they seemed confused after hearing these words from the princess.

Princess Luna continued:

“THE FIRST PARTICIPANT WILL BE A DRAGON! OUR DRAGON SPIKE!”

Everypony cheered and started chanting Spike’s name. It was true; no dragon had ever participated in this event before.

Gotta make the little shit feel special somehow.

“AND THE OTHER ONE WILL BE…A HUMAN!”

The whole place went silent. Most of them knew what a human was, but the only human that had ever visited Equestria had died months ago. Were there more humans in Equestria? Everypony was so confused.

“IT WILL NOT BE AN UNKNOWN HUMAN. IT WILL BE THE ONE WE ALL THOUGHT HAD LEFT US, YES! HE WILL RETURN FOR THIS TOURNAMENT, A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE AND AS WELL AS A CLOSE FRIEND OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY. LADIES AND GENTLECOLTS, THE HUMAN I’M TALKING ABOUT IS THE HERO OF CANTERLOT…ALEX!”

The shock on everypony’s face was evident, Fancy Pants’ monocle fell from his eye, PixelBerry was about to faint, Jet Set felt shivers all the way up to his nose. But the one who was surprised the most was Lyra, she didn’t believe it, she was shocked and angry, how could they say such a lie, there was no way in hell she would let them continue with this game, she jumped on the stage and screamed:

“LIES! HOW DARE YOU TELL US THAT! YOU KNOW ALEXIS IS DEAD AND HIS BODY WAS RETURNED TO HIS HOME! THERE IS NO WAY HE WOULD BE HERE, I DON’T KNOW IF THE STORY ABOUT A HUMAN COMPETING IN THE TOURNAMENT IS TRUE BUT IF IT IS, PLEASE DON’T CALL HIM ALEX!” – Lyra was unable to stop crying.

"Alright, we'll call him Pablo then."

Everypony was speechless. The princesses, the mane 6, none of them expected Lyra to be in the audience, otherwise, they would have given her this news before the conference. With a warm smile, Princess Luna and Celestia stopped the guards that were going to arrest her. Princess Luna said:

“My little pony, I swear there is no lie, Alex is alive. I have seen him with my own eyes”

“Really?!” – Lyra couldn’t believe it.

“Yes! - Twilight said - and guess what? He was asking for you!”

“Really?! But where is he? Please tell me, if that’s true, then I want to see him, I need to see him!”

Princess Luna continued giving her news:

“AS I WAS SAYING, ALEX THE HUMAN WILL BE IN THE OPENING CEREMONY OF THE TOURNAMENT. MAKE SURE EVERYPONY KNOWS IT; NOW GO TO YOUR HOMES. THIS CONFERERENCE IS OVER.”

The fuck? Why wouldn’t you present him to the audience?

Everypony started to leave. Princess Luna turned to the guards.

“Guards, please take Miss Lyra and Miss Bombom to the Palace and get them a room.”

“Yes your majesty!” The Royal Guards said. Lyra was confused, why the princesses would take her to the Palace after what she did. She lowered her head and followed the Royal Guards without asking any questions. Once they were in the palace, both Lyra and Bombom were summoned to the Throne Room. When they entered the room, they found the princesses, the elements, Spike and a Pony they had never seen before. The unknown pony walked towards Lyra, he stopped right in front of her and said:

“Hello Lyra and Bombom!”

“Hello?” – They answered.

Lyra didn’t want to speak to this pony; she had only one thing in her mind:

“Please move aside, I need to speak to Princess Luna.”

Alex knew the reason she was brought to the Palace and said:

“She doesn’t have anything to say to you because I know you are here to see me!”

“Why do you think I came to see you? I don’t even know you, just move aside!” – Lyra was desperate to hear more news about Alex.

“Are you sure you don’t want to see me? I heard you came to the Palace because of me…” – Alex said.

The look on Lyra’s eyes turned from anger to surprise. She started to carefully look at the strange pony. She noticed he was dressed but his clothes were odd; his eyes, they were somehow different to a pony’s eyes, his hair style it was so similar to her friend’s.

FUCK THIS SHIT! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST APPEAR BEFORE THEM IN YOUR HUMAN FORM, YOU FUCKING, ATTENTION WHORING MANCHILD! GOD! I FEEL LIKE I’M READING THE SAME SCENE OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! IT’S LIKE THE RETARDED, INBRED COUSIN OF THE FUCKING GROUNDHOG DAY! FUCK!

So it's like the other fic then?"



Lyra looks like she's been taking a whole lot of bath salts.

Not enough, if you ask me.

“A. . . A. . . Alexis?” – Lyra couldn’t believe her heart.

Alex removed his Metapendant and as the light faded, tears started to come out of Lyra’s eyes. She touched his face, his chest, his hands and then she hugged him. She wanted to make sure he was there; she wanted to make sure he was real.

“Volví, mi querida amiga!”

“I’m back, my dear friend!”

To the infinite sadness of every reader with a modicum of taste, yes. I wonder if he’s going to repeat this bullshit with Fancy Pants and that Pixel Berry chick too.


“Alexis, it is really you! You know how much I love to hear you speak your native language even though I can’t understand that much.”

So he could be saying his balls itched and you would still love it. You’re the very definition of an idiot fangirl, Lyra.

“We will need to retake your Spanish lessons!

Wouldn’t have been nice to see some of that? Guess the author couldn’t find the time between piggybacking the CMC and sperging about video games.

Now, I know you want to know how it is possible for me to be here again, and I bet you have lots of questions but first let me hug you one more time!” – Alex was so happy to see his friend.

She hugged him tight, Alex asked Bombom to hug him too, nothing could ruin that moment. The princesses asked them to come to the Dining Hall so they could eat something and celebrate their reunion, Alex asked Lyra to get on his back so he could carry her. Lyra couldn’t believe this was real. She was so happy to hear Alex’s heart beating when she put her face on his back.

“What an incredible way to end a failed human quest!” – She said.

With an extra large failure? Points for consistency, I guess.



I have no idea why this picture is blurrier than the other pictures.

Your computer gained sentience and is trying to protect your eyes.
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Post #11
Dashguy


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post Mar 30 2017, 04:20 AM
This chapter involves Alex getting his stuff back, including his infamous retard blades. And there's some preparation for the tournement. How will the author fuck things up this time? Let's find out.

Alex and the rest were inside the Castle’s dining room. After explaining everything to Lyra and BomBom, from his miraculous survival to his return to Equestria, Alex told them everything they needed to know. When he was done, Lyra hugged him very tight; Fluttershy couldn't take her eyes from them.

Plot twist: she’s thinking of a threesome.

“Wow Alexis, that’s so amazing! You returned to Earth and managed to come back to Equestria. Wow! Thank you for that! - Lyra told him.

“Thank you Lyra but, can you please give me some room to breathe, I need air you know... - This was the first thing he came up with after noticing the way Fluttershy was looking at them - I think you broke one of my ribs!”

Foolish Lyra, you should have broken all of his ribs.

Lyra stopped hugging him, she didn't do it because of what Alex told her, but because she noticed Fluttershy too. Lyra turned to Fluttershy and looking at her right into her eyes, said:

“I'm so happy you finally decided to ask her to be your marefriend!"

“You knew that already?" - Alex asked her.

“Alexis please! It was so obvious you both liked each other.

Yeah, right. Almost as obvious as the fact blonde girls make him go crazy.

Besides, she actually kissed you on the lips before you went back to Earth."

Alex and Fluttershy faces were so blushed they even felt stupid remembering how oblivious they were. Alex wanted so desperately to change subject so he asked Lyra the first thing that came to his mind:

“Lyra, my friends told me that you have been absent for a long time, would you mind telling me where did you go?"

“Sure! However, it would be more accurate to tell you of the few places I haven't been! I went to almost every place in Equestria! Places you guys haven't even dreamed about, I visited every place that has rumors of strange and unknown creatures; Appleloosa, Manehatan, Pillydelphia, Trotimham, etc. I even travelled to Saddle Sarabia but sadly, it was the same everywhere, dead ends or fake stories,

"I even checked the Badlands, and all I found was a stupid Bigfoot!"

I’m going a bit anal here, but that doesn’t sound impressive at all. I mean, look at the map of Equestria; aside of Saddle Arabia all the other places can be reached comfortably by train, as we’ve seen the ponies do. See, this is the shit I hate about the author: his lazyness. It took me less than a freaking minute to find the map and check the names.

I am kind of sorry to admit it Alex, but it seems that you are still the only human in Equestria right now. Unless you have brought a human friend with you this time...” - Lyra's voice sounded too serious.

“I'm sorry to disappoint you Lyra, but no; at least not until I’m completely sure it’s safe and I have approval from the princesses.” - Alex turned to the princesses who seem to be pleased from hearing this.

“Well, that's kind of sad - Lyra said -but there is still a chance, right?”

“. . . . Maybe." - Alex answered.

Lyra seemed to expect another kind of answer from Alex.

“Well, at least it’s a relief there are no other humans lost around Equestria.” - Alex said.

Heaven forbid another human cosplay as Lara Croft and take the ponies attention away from Alex.

That’s exactly how it reads like. “I need to make sure it’s completely safe”. Safe for who? For your friends? Are you going to take them into the damn Everfree Forest? For the ponies? Are you afraid one of them may sexually harrass them? And approval from the Princess, sure. Especially since the ponies practically worship the toilets he takes a dump in.

“I guess you are right. Tell me Alexis, are you really planning to enter the Coliseum Tournament?" - Lyra asked.

“Yeah! Spike, Rainbow Dash and I will participate. Spike will obviously compete against the younger fighters."

“That’s fantastic! Then I must be sure to get tickets for the first rows. I can’t wait to see you winning the tournament and raising that Trophy!" - Lyra was really excited to see Alex participate.

Whelp, she gave away the ending of the story. Let’s go home, GorillaGamer.

Sounds like a plan, Dashguy.

She seemed to have a lot of faith in him; this was something Alex easily noticed.

“Lyra, I appreciate your enthusiasm but I can't tell if I am going to win, don’t forget there will be other incredible participants.”

But you've got retard blades! Nopony is able to best retard blades.

That's their secret: everybody who faces them turns into an actual retard.

“Yeah! How about me? I could win this tournament too Lyra, don't forget I am awesome!" - Rainbow Dash said.

“I'm sorry Rainbow Dash, you are right - Lyra turned to Spike - however, I can be sure of one thing; Spike will definitely win in his category. Thanks to Alex's teachings, it will be a piece of cake!"

I like how she doesn’t even think there’s the slightest chance those two cretins will lose. It’s almost like she’s aware what kind of story she’s in.

“Geez, thanks Lyra. I promise I’ll do my best to win, but I must say I’m a little disappointed, I would have liked to compete against the older fighters!” - Spike replied.

Wait, there are CHILDREN fighting in this tournament?!

The whole thing reeks of the Tenkaichi Budokai of the Buu Arc of Dragon Ball Z.

Alex looked at Spike and said: “Easy Spike, don’t be disappointed; someday you will be able to compete against older opponents. For now, you have to focus on winning the tournament!"

“I'll do my best Alex!"

I've been playing Fire Emblem: Heroes recently (Great game by the way), and one of my main units is Blazing Sword's, Pious Mage, Nino. And when she says that she'll do her best, you better believe that she'll do her damn best!

“So my little Spikey Wikey will compete too? That’s so nice, I will be cheering for you; all of us will” - Rarity said while the rest started chanting his name.

“Thank you guys, you are embarrassing me!" - Spike said.

“Hey! No cheering for us?” - Alex and Rainbow Dash asked.

“Oh c’mon darling, you know we will cheer for you guys too. Don't be such a drama queen! - Rarity said while rolling her eyes. Everypony laughed.

Well, I can’t speak for Rainbow Dash, but I’m pretty sure Alex needs his dick sucked every five minutes, lest he goes into withdrawal.

Princess Celestia stepped ahead; she had some important things to say:

“Well my little ponies, human and dragon. It’s been a great day but I think it’s time to go to bed, be prepared to travel to Ponyville tomorrow. Finish any business you may have there, so you can be here at least one month before the tournament begins, then we will finish up preparing for it.

Everypony nodded except for Alex and Spike. They both looked at each other; they knew this was the right time to speak:

“Princess Celestia.” - Alex said.

“Yes, my human friend?”

“Spike and I have been talking about something; we wanted to ask you for a chance to stay here so we can train privately until the tournament begins.”

Everypony looked surprised, Princess Celestia raised an eyebrow and asked:

“Could you explain yourself, my little human?”

“You see, we want to train where nopony can see us. We have a lot to catch up, polish our skills again, plan strategies, etc. I can’t say I’ve been training with my weapons lately and Spike confessed me he has been slacking off a little." - Alex answered.

“That and we don’t want to get cooties.”

“Are those all of your reasons?" - Princess Celestia asked, knowing there was something else.

“Not really, I want to teach him something new, something I don’t want anypony else to see, this includes Rainbow Dash since she could be my opponent in the tournament.”

So they're cheating? And they openly admitted in in front of Celestia herself.

Either Alex has some major balls, or he's got a death wish.


I don’t think training in private constitutes cheating, honestly. Having said that, this shit is incredibly dumb, the kind of thing you would expect from somebody who learned everything he knows about martial arts from shows like Dragon Ball and shitty video games and possibly the product of the author’s insecurity on his masculinity.

I’ve trained martial arts for nearly ten years and none of my teachers ever kept “secret techniques” to themselves; one of them even said the whole idea was dumb and if a teacher needed to keep some stuff to himself because he was afraid his students would surpass him, then he sucked. Obviously, the more complex techniques were reserved for the advanced students, but if we could incorporate the ones above our level, we were welcome to do it.

What I want to say is, a teacher also learns and growths from teaching others. This cocksucker has the opportunity to learn and improve by training with Rainbow Dash, but instead goes for the same BOYZ ONLY bullshit as always.


“I see. Well, if that’s what you want Alex; I’ll make sure to help you get all the privacy you need while you train.”

“Thanks Princess. I hope you don’t mind girls."

Everypony was surprised after hearing this request from Alex; Twilight was the one to answer his question:

“Well, it’s a little unexpected but I guess you are right, besides I really think Rainbow Dash wouldn’t want to have you in Ponyville spying on her own moves.”

Implying her training sessions won’t consist of lying on a cloud and dreaming about the crowd chanting her name while masturbating.

“You bet Twilight! It's better for you to stay here all the time you want Alex so you can get yourself ready, I really want to beat you at your best! - Rainbow Dash said.

“We’ll see about that Dashie!” - Alex replied.

"Ok everypony, we better get some rest, we have a long trip tomorrow - Fluttershy said - the train to Ponyville leaves early in the morning." Everypony agreed and walked to their rooms.

Alex was walking with Fluttershy; he noticed something was wrong since she was too quiet:

"Is there something wrong pretty?” - He asked.

Has someone not been treating Moe Horse nicely? Cause if they have, me and Dashguy are gonna break someone's kneecaps.

With bologna sticks; blood and screams of pain add to the flavour.

She stopped, turned to him and held him tight -“I... I don’t want you to compete in the tournament. Is it really necessary?” - She said.

Alex replied with a wide and warm smile:

“Necessary? No, it’s not, but I really want to help the princesses with this, and I have to admit I am very excited about competing."

“I still don’t like it, what if you get hurt? I mean seriously hurt; I don’t want to see you hurt. It aches my heart just to think of it! Please forget all of this and come to Ponyville with me!” - She said.

“Fluttershy, we heard Princess Celestia, it might be risky but she said my life would not be in danger, besides, even If I get a little hurt, something good will happen!"

“What good could come in getting injured?” - She asked.

“That there will be a reason to have you standing next to me, healing my injuries and making me feel better...”

Fluttershy started smiling again, Alex's words made her feel comfortable.

“. . . . Oh Alex . . . fine, I’m with you this time but please be careful, ok?”

So Fluttershy has been reduced by a timid yet capable Element of Harmony, to the personal assistant of some video-game obsessed troglodyte...

Let’s look at the bright side, it’s only her. I’ve read stories where the self-insert is “married” to four or five mares.

Those are a thing?!

“Sure thing, and I promise you when this is over, we will have an incredible date and I’ll take you wherever you want!” - He answered.

“Really?”

“I promise.”

Alex kissed her, he couldn't believe he was actually kissing a pony, but his feelings towards her were getting stronger because he knew she loved him too. They could have stayed awake all night long, but they had some responsibilities so they kissed each other one more time and said goodnight.

Look at the bright side, look at the bright side; at least they’re not going at it like rabbits.

On the next morning the Princesses, Spike and Alex (wearing his Metapendant) accompanied everypony to the train station, each of them said their farewells; Lyra hugged Alex before getting on the train. Twilight was next to him telling Spike to take care, when she was done, Alex told her:

“Twilight, do you have a minute?”

“Yes Alex, what is it?”

“You see, since I’m not going back to Ponyville, could you please do me a favor?”

“Sure thing Alex, what do you need?” - She asked.

“I need a box I left back in Ponyville, can you please send it to me. It’s easy to recognize because it has my cutie mark on it.

Can't go a day without your video games, eh?

I will also need Spike's armor and weapons.”

We already know it’s not going to be the case, but what would happen if weapons are not allowed in the tournament? I don’t remember those two buffons doing much beyond Alex’s flying kick on a distracted Royal Guard and Spike’s punch on a distracted Blueblood.

“I will send it to you Alex. Can you tell me what’s inside that box?” - She asked.

“I'm sorry but I can't tell you. However, it's something I will need for the tournament."

Don’t you think it’s ironic how this guy’s statue has the word TRUST carved on the base yet he’s constantly hiding things from the ponies? “I have a plan to deal with this situation, but I’m not telling you anything”, “No, I can’t tell you how I arrived here”, “No, I can’t tell you what’s inside these boxes”, etc.

Well if the statue makers were going for irony, they should have also written down kind, smart, and brave.

“Well, that's ok."

Fluttershy was waiting for Alex to stop talking to Twilight so they could have a moment for themselves. Once he was done, she got near him, they both hugged and kissed each other, they didn't say a word but it was easy for everypony to understand that they were feeling sad to say goodbye.

"We will depart now!" - One of the Train officers said, Fluttershy didn't want to leave Alex but she knew he was excited about participating in the tournament - "I want you to focus on your training because I want you to win that tournament!" - hearing these words made Alex feel very confident. They kissed one last time before she got on the train. A few moments later, the train started its long way back to Ponyville.

Look at the bright—fuck that, I’d rather be reading a shitty porn scene rather than this boring, puritanical bullcrap.

Once the train was out of their sight, Princess Celestia turned to Alex and said:

“Ok my friend, let’s go back to the palace, I need to show you something before taking you to the place where you will start training."

“Ok Celestia, lead the way." - Alex replied.

“Oh! I forgot, before getting to the Palace, we have to make a quick stop at Canterlot Museum." - Princess Celestia said.

Is there going to be a museum heist later in this fic? Because that'll be cool.

What I have told you about bringing your interesting and entertaining ideas into this story, GorillaGamer?

That the author has no need for them, and would rather write about his OC playing video games.

Alex seemed to know the reason why she wanted to visit that place - "That's where my gear is, right?" - He asked.

“Yes Alex. How do you know?"

“My good friend Proud Hammer told me that you kept them there!"

Princess Celestia nodded. They started their way towards the museum. After a few minutes, they arrived at the place and proceeded to enter. There were many ponies looking curiously at Alex's gear. A pony who worked at the Museum, was explaining to them what these artifacts were:

"Here we have the weapons and armor that belonged to the only human that has ever lived on Equestria. Alex, the Hero of Canterlot, his items were left here after he gave his life while saving Canterlot in the battle against Prince Blueblood!"

A voice came from the crowd - “Was he the one who killed the Prince?" - Everypony turned around and saw Jet Set standing next to his wife.



“Yes sir, he was, but you must know...” - The museum employee was about to explain something but he was immediately interrupted by Jet Set -“Then why do you keep them here? He killed a pony and if that wasn't enough he killed a prince! He is not a hero, he is just a murderer, and his things should be in a trash can or should have been buried in a forgotten place!"

He’s kind of got a point there, if you ask me. Exhibiting the guy’s weapons like this comes off as exaggerated, considering he’s already got a statue in his honor and a freaking constellation, and in bad taste. I mean, Blueblood wasn’t pony Joker who had been terrorizing the world for years. His betrayal was abrupt and lasted, what, two or three days? They should be treating the whole thing as a tragedy and not the “superhero who saved us from the invading alien force” bullshit.

Many ponies seemed to agree with Jet Set but others didn't like what he said at all. Spike was so mad, he was about to throw a fireball at him, Alex realized how angry his friend was so he put his hand on his shoulder. Spike understood what Alex meant and lowered his head.

Alex could not stop feeling sad and guilty after hearing this. Somehow he knew Jet Set was right, he killed a pony, it seemed as even though the Princesses had already forgiven him, the "wound" was not entirely healed. Princess Luna noticed this; she walked towards the crowd and spoke using her Canterlot voice:

“HOW DARE YOU JET SET? ALEX THE HUMAN, ALMOST LOST HIS LIFE TO SAVE US FROM MY CORRUPTED NEPHEW AND QUEEN CHRYSALYS’ MADNESS AND YOU DARE TO SPEAK WITH SUCH DISRESPECT?”

Luna's just sad that someone insulted her blow-up doll.

Have you noticed how everybody turns into some kind of autistic, angry monkey when it comes to Alex? There’s never a civilized conversation or attempting to convience the other side with a reasonable argument, only shrieking and pounding their hands on the ground.

Yeah, I noticed that as well. Must be the power of an assassin.

Jet Set vowed in front of the Princess, he didn't even dare to look at her - “But Princess Luna, he killed Prince Blueblood! Your Majesty, did you say he ALMOST lost his life? Does that mean he is still alive?”

Princess Cadence stepped forward; she was the one to answer his question:

“It seems you weren’t paying any attention in our conference yesterday, or did you choose not to believe my Aunt Luna? We said that Alex is alive and he is coming back for the tournament, and I’m pretty sure he will not be happy to hear you saying such things and calling him a murderer!”

Ah yes. Because when I try to convince a dude that this other dude is a good dude, the first thing I do is mentioning how angry the other dude is going to be when he finds out dude doesn’t hold a high opinion of him.

Jet Set raised his head, he seemed angry after hearing this:

“But he killed Prince Blueblood! A pony, your brother! Aren’t you mad at him? Aren’t you going to punish him for his crime?!"

I can't believe I'm saying this...but I'm gonna have to side with Alex on this. Yes, he did kill Blueblood, but it was for the good of Equestria. And now that I've defended this buffoon, allow me to vomit into a bucket.

Under normal conditions, I would agree with you, GorillaGamer. But this garbage is so poorly written I simply can’t. As I’ve mentioned before, the whole “waah waah” I killed a pony doesn’t work when you go around carrying lethal weapons and modeled your persona after a fucking assassin, even if it is a fictional one. That would be like having Batman use high-caliber, automatic weapons and explosives to fight then lamenting the fact he killed one of the criminals. It doesn’t work.

The second, but no less important problem, is that this is freaking Blueblood we’re talking about. Ridiculous, moustache-twirling characterization aside, he’s just a spoiled asshole. The real threat comes from the fact he had a dark magic artifact, which he didn’t even get himself, and was allied with a major villain who, in turn, had her own freaking army. Yet everybody acts like the world would have been doomed if Alex had not killed him, while treating the Changeling Queen and her minions like some kind of afterthought.

Needless to say, this is what happens when everything is your story is ridiculously contrived so the attention is focused on your fucking self-insert. Alex could have pointed towards a door and the narrative still would treat him as if he had made some vital contribution.


“What he killed wasn’t my brother, he killed a monster! A monster who was planning to banish me, my husband and my aunts from Equestria! A monster that was planning to kill the Elements of Harmony, HE WAS PLANNING TO MAKE YOU ALL SLAVES!” - Cadence was about to cry, she was feeling angry and sad at the same time. Shining Armor got by her side and hugged her while she continued -...and none of you moved a hoof to stop him! None of you but him! I’m going to say this once so you better listen carefully! STOP SPEAKING SO ILL ABOUT HIM OR YOU WILL FIND OUT THAT I’M NOT THE PRINCESS OF LOVE AND TENDERNESS EVERY TIME! DID YOU HEAR ME?!”



How dare you not do anything to stop him! Sure, he keep the whole thing in secret until he had acquired a dark magic artefact and the aid of an army, but that’s no excuse!

I just realized, she did nothing to help Blueblood, and she's his sister. She has no right scolding the other ponies for doing nothing!

Everypony inside the museum was shaking; they had never heard Princess Cadence say such things. Princess Celestia and Luna used her powerful magic to levitate the gear container and bring it to them.

“Now, if you excuse us. We are going to take this to its rightful owner.”



I know that Princess Cadence is a pony, but I'll admit that she has a stylish design. That doesn't mean that I'm gonna start jerking off to her, nor would I write a crappy fic where I ship myself with her.

But enough rambling from me, what are your thoughts on her Dashguy?


Her design is nice, I suppose. From what I’ve read, it seems the original idea was for her to be a unicorn, but the suits wanted a pink colored princess. Having said that, I don’t like her or Shining Armor. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a Mykan-level hate, but every time I see an episode is going to include her and/or her husband, my hopes automatically go down. Why? Two reasons:

One, their introduction. Not long after their introductory episode begins, Twilight sings a song about how Shining Armor is her “Big Brother Best Friend Forever” and later proclaims Cadance as the “best foalsitter ever”, having a special greeting and shit. The love he feels for her is so powerful that it allows Chrysalis to beat Celestia and later, after Twilight and friends failed to retrieve the Elements of Harmony, their combined love was powerful enough to send Chrysalis and her entire army blasting off Canterlot like freaking Team Rocket. All in all, the whole thing felt like a guy holding you from your shirt and shaking you while screaming “Like these new characters! Like them, motherfucker!”

The second reason is that they’re boring. They’re kind, caring, dutiful and loved by everybody, but that’s it. Celestia and Luna have lived for hundreds of years and probably have a fuckton of stories to tell. The later has her past as Nightmare Moon and people are fascinated by the idea of what’s behind the regal demeanor of the former. Cadance? She’s only a few years older than Twilight and, beyond some backstory on a novel, she’s got nothing.

Same goes for Shining Armor. He’s supposed to be some kind of nerd, but beyond a scene of him gushing on the stuff Twilight put on his room inside the Friendship Castle (toys, an ant farm, etc.) and some comic issue, there’s absolutely nothing. He never argues or competes with her sister or has friends of his own. Compare to Big Mac, who has much less screentime and importance, but has revealed he feels jealous of Applejack, or Zephyr Breeze, Fluttershy’s older brother who is a neckbeard with the hots for Rainbow Dash.

In short, they are not quirky or particularly interesting. They don’t evoke emotions. They are like those “perfect families” they put on sitcoms so we can laugh at how much the flawed protagonists contrasts with them, except the whole thing is played straight.


I see, thanks for the explanation. Though this Zephyr Breeze fellow sounds like your typical H.I.E writer.

The four members of the royal family, Spike and an unknown pony proceeded to leave the place. Princess Cadence used one of her wings to cover Alex, who was feeling sad because of the things Jet Set said and the way some of the ponies in the Museum reacted. Alex turned to Spike and said:

“Thank you. I mean it, thank you...”

Spike hugged him.

“You don’t have anything to thank Alex. All of us should thank you for saving Canterlot!” - Spike said.

“Thanks Spike! But don’t’ forget, it’s what you, me and our friends did, not only me. I would have never been able to do that without any of you!" - Alex replied.

“Thanks bro! - Spike said - We are with you, all of us. Together!”

Did the Bisons get a statue too? A constellation perhaps? Are they making Manticore shirts?

Cadence got next to Alex and said:

“Alex please, it's time for you to stop feeling bad about what happened with Blueblood. We meant everything we said back there, I don't want you to feel sad anymore, ok?!”

Alex nodded and wiped off the tears that were coming from his eyes.

Hopefully we won't have a repeat of the last fic, where Jet Set becomes the authors punching bag.

Oh, I’m sure he’ll find a new one.

The group continued their way to the Castle. Once there, Alex took off his Metapendant and opened the glass container that was used to store his gear in the Museum.

His armor and weapons were clean and polished, they looked like new. The princesses told Alex that Proud Hammer and Spike were the ones in charge of restoring them. Alex hugged Spike - "Thanks pal! I will show my gratitude to Proud Hammer when I see him, he is such a great guy!" -Alex took all of his stuff and put it on his bed. Shining Armor was looking at Alex's weapons and said:

“Ok Alex, since you will be away until the Tournament's opening ceremony, I guess we need to explain to you how this Tournament works. What do you say?”

“That’s a good idea Shinning, I’m really curios about how an event where the participants fight each other could not be dangerous.” - Alex said.

Gloves? Not hitting the eyes or groin? There’s not much to think.

"I know how incredible that sounds my friend, I don't know if you have any tournaments like this back on Earth, but I'd like to show you how things work here in Equestria. Please follow me!"

Shinning lead Alex and Spike into a room. It was empty; there was no furniture or pictures on the walls, only a green light in the center of it. Alex and Spike couldn’t help to look at it; the light felt as something magical. After a few moments of watching it, Alex asked:

“Shinning, what is this?”

“You see Alex; this green light is what makes this Tournament “safe” for all the participants!" - Shining Armor answered.

“And how is that possible?" - Spike asked.

God Mode. Everyone has God Mode on.

The match ends when the first espectator falls asleep.

“I knew you would ask that!" - Shining Armor said. He called one of the Royal Guards and asked him for his sword.

"Please guys, come with me so I can show you!"

Shining Armor put the sword inside the light. The green light grew brighter for a second and another sword appeared next to the one Shining Armor placed in it.

"That was so cool! - Alex said - so the light creates what seems to be an exact copy of a weapon you put in. But I'm still wondering how does that make it safer?"



Alex: "DUUUUUUUURRRRRRRr, do I eat it?"

Doesn’t this cretin have any other kind of outfit?

Well there was that outfit that Rarity made for him, which she plastered her cutie mark all over.

Ah...yes. I had managed to erase that abomination from my mind.

Shining Armor picked the “original” sword and put it inside the light again. Another exact copy of it appeared next to it. He took both copies and asked Alex to come with him out to the Royal Gardens. Spike and the Princesses were waiting for them outside. Alex was given one of the copies made by the green light, while Shining Armor kept the other one, the pony turned to the Princesses and said: “Ladies, please…” they nodded and started to use her magic. Suddenly, a force field surrounded Alex and Shining Armor, this force field was similar to Shining’s barrier spell but there was something unusual, the barrier seemed to be scanning Shining Armor and Alex, a beam of light started on their feet and up to their head.



Alex spent so much time on video games, that he's been slacking off in school. Here he is, struggling to count to 100.

Did his hands turn into paws or something?

Once this “scan” was completed, a floating number appeared on top of them, the number was 100, and was literally floating over their heads. Alex walked to the Force Field to touch it – “This thing is hard as rock” – he said. He was about to ask Shining Armor about all of this and as soon as he turned around, he saw the prince charging at him full at full speed. Thanks to his training, Alex was able to barely avoid being pierced by the princess’ sword.

“What are you doing?!” – He asked.

“Shut up and fight! Fight like if you want to kill me!” – Shining Armor replied.

“Luna, Celestia! Please stop this! Stop him!” – Alex didn’t know how to react to this.

“I know he said everything was safe, but we still need to pretend this is thrilling!”

The Princesses didn’t say anything, they stood there watching. Alex looked at Spike who was standing next to the princesses. His best friend was there, not helping him. Shining Armor charged again, Alex was fast enough to avoid this second strike. However, the tip of Shinning Armor’s sword got his arm. Alex closed his eyes waiting for it to start hurting. He kept waiting but the pain never showed up. Alex opened his eyes and saw his arm – “But I just saw him cutting me.” – He said to himself.

Alex heard a noise coming from the top of his head. He looked up and saw the number changing, it was not 100 anymore, it went down to 73.

The human was so confused about all of this; the green light, the Force Field, the Princesses, and now this number. He got distracted for a second, which was enough time for Shinning Amor to charge at him a third and final time. Alex was unable to dodge his attack; the sword went all the way into his chest.

“…Why are you doing this?”- Alex asked.

"That's what you get for punching me back then!" Shining Armor retorted.

Even though he couldn’t feel the pain. He knew this kind of wound would be fatal. He looked down at his chest, the sword was still in there, but there was no trace of blood.



WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR EYYYYEEES?!

Shining Armor seems to be enjoying this a bit too much, if you ask me.

“Alex, what’s wrong with you? You need to focus or you will not make to the Coliseum Tournament finals!” – The prince replied.

“The Tournament? I’ll die in a few seconds!”

“Alex, haven’t you realized yet?”

“Realize what? That you just tried to kill me?!” – Alex could still see the sword inside his chest but it didn’t hurt. He would have fainted and died after being wounded this way but he was still there, breathing. There was something weird going on. A moment later, Alex heard the same noise over his head. He looked up and saw the floating number going all the way down to 0. The Force Field started to slowly disappear. Shining Armor walked towards Alex and removed the sword from his chest.

“What the hell did just happen?” – Alex asked.

The princesses, Shinning and Spike started to laugh out loud – “You should have seen your face just got pranked bitch!” – Spike said.

Shining Armor got next to Alex and asked him: “Did you really think I was trying to kill you? Come on Alex, you know I would never do that!”

“Not in front of witnesses, at least.”

“But you just pierced me with your sword! Why am I still alive?” – Alex asked.

“Let me explain it to you. This weapon I just used is called a “Faker” weapon.”

“Faker weapon?” – Alex was so confused.

“Yes, this is a very simple yet complicated spell.”

“I’m all ears” - Alex said.

“This spell is what makes the Coliseum Tournament safe for every participant. The first thing to do is to create copies of the warrior’s armors and weapons using the same green light you saw in the room. – Shining Armor explained – Then, a unicorn must activate the “Faker Battle Barrier Spell”. As you could see, while the spell is being casted, the participants will be scanned by it; this includes their weapons and armor. This spell will make the faker weapons able go through things that were not created by the green light. This is why you were “stabbed” by my sword but weren’t hurt at all. Being hit by a faker weapon will make the points floating over you decrease from 100 to 0.”

Tl;dr, a bunch of random spell prevent contestants from dying.

“So that is why my “life points” went down to 73 when you hit my arm and then all the way to 0 when you got my chest!” – Alex was beginning to understand all of this.

“The Faker weapons and armor will glow brighter when they are being scanned by the Faker Battle Barrier Spell. It won’t be as bright as when you take your Metapendant off, but enough so only the participants can see the weapons and the un-protected spots they can hit in order to lower their opponents points to 0”

“Interesting, so if I was using Faker armor on my chest, your sword would have never been able to get through me, right?” – Alex asked.

“Exactly – Shining Armor said - Tell me Alex, did you notice you that when your points reached 0, the Barrier started to disappear?”

“Yeah!”

“I think it’s obvious by now, but if your points reach 0, you are “dead” and the barrier “feels” it, so it disappears. Making the opponent’s points reach 0 is the only way to make the field disappear, there is no way to cancel this spell so people know that there will not be any kind of interruption while the fighters are inside. Since some of the participants do not posses magic, the field will automatically cancel any magic spell used inside it. Participants are only allowed enough magic as to levitate very few things, like their weapons.”

“So that’s how a non-magical creature has a chance to win this.” – Alex replied. He was thinking that it would be unfair to fight against someone that was able to use magic.

“Exactly! Well I think I just explained everything you need to know about this spell, any other questions?” – Shining Armor asked.

“Being honest, I do. If we are not inside a faker barrier, will the Faker weapons be as deadly as any other normal weapon?”

“Yes, they will only go through things while inside the barrier. Every Faker weapon that is scanned by the Force Field Spell will automatically disappear when the Faker Light becomes inactive after the tournament, so don’t be surprised after they all disappear when the tournament is over.”

These Faker spells have to be some of the most impractical shit I have ever seen.

The whole system is like a that of a video game. How convenient for our protagonist.

“I see – Alex had more questions to ask - I know is not relevant but, what happens if the gladiators scanned by the spell do not have any faker weapons on them?”

“Many centuries ago, there were Coliseum Tournaments that didn’t have access to the spells we now know. So there weren’t Faker weapons then. As I told you before, the Barrier feels when a participant is alive so the only way the Field Spell could be canceled was to either knock your opponent out or ki…”

“I get it.” – Alex said.

“Yes, that is why the Tournaments were suspended in the past, but since they were a tradition, some of the greatest magic users were able to create the Faker weapons so the Coliseum Tournaments could continue.”

This tournament is one of the most idiotic ideas I’ve ever read and, once again, something a guy with zero martial arts experience would come up with. For starters, you can’t take pain out of the equation, you stupid fuck! Pain affects the performance of the fighters, and if you take it out, you effectively cancel a lot of factors. Strenght, for example. Guys with greater strenght will lose their advantage because, no matter how much they put behind their hits, the amount of damage they do is fixed, and if they hit one of those “protected” spots they won’t do shit. The fixed damage also means your endurance is worth shit too. You’re good at taking punishment? Too bad, the computer says I took half of your HP.

At best, this system favors smaller, nimbler and faster combatants. At worst, there’s nothing preventing a moron from rushing the other guy and holding him while stabbing on a vulnerable spot until he loses.


By this time, the Princesses had already come down to the Royal Gardens. They got next to the guys and said:

“Well my little human, I see you know everything you need to know about this event. According to the Royal Guard, Twilight has already sent you the packages you mentioned; do you want to get them before showing you where you are going to train?” – Princess Celestia asked.

“I would love that Celestia, thank you.”

After a few moments, Alex and Spike were carrying their luggage. They were taken by Celestia and the Royal Guards to a forest located far away from the city.

“What is this Place Celestia?” – Alex asked.

“This is the BlackTail Forest”

“Blacktail forest?”

“Yes, it’s a place where our ancestors used to test our Royal Guards; it’s not as dangerous as the Everfree forest, so is easier to train here. There are wild bears, dears and wolfs, there are lots of fruit trees and lakes with clean water.

What is this, The Hunger Games: Retard Edition?!

What do you say Alex? I think it’s a good place for you and Spike to better your skills and, have some privacy, you see, no pony dares to come here since this is part of the Royal Palace. In its center, there is a cabin you can use to take shelter; the cabin is protected by a powerful spell so you guys are safe inside it. Do you like the place Alex?”

“I needed an awful amount of lube to pull it out of my ass.”

“It is great Princess, thanks.”

“Ok Alex, let’s go!” – Spike said. He turned to the forest as started to run into it.

Alex laughed; Spike seemed so excited to start his training. Alex turned to the princesses and said:

“We will meet again one month before the tournament starts. Princess Celestia, thank you for THAT, IT will come in handy.”

Make sure you only use pronouns to keep it a secret, but also say it loud to draw the readers’ attention.

“No problem Alex! Make us proud, you and Spike!”

“If you want to send letters to Fluttershy, please do it, send them with Spike’s fire. We will make sure they get to her. I am sure you guys will miss each other!” – Princess Luna said.

In before Alex and Moe Horse request each other to send naughty pics to the other.

Alex nodded. He turned to the forest and started to run after Spike. The princesses saw him disappear in the woods.

Spike was heading towards the center of the forest, looking for the cabin when he noticed Alex running next to him – “Wow, I couldn’t hear you getting close to me, I was worried about not finding the cabin.”

“You have to pay attention to everything that happens around you my friend… – Alex said

His clown shoes are outfitted with specialized stealth technology.

- this is it, time to finally prove ourselves. Are you excited Spike?”

“Oh yeah! But I really can’t find the right words to describe this feeling!” – Spike answered.

Alex was ahead of Spike by now. He stopped after reaching the edge of a cliff. Spike stood next to him looking at the vast forest in front of them. It was so vast; they couldn’t see its end.

Alex turned his head to his friend and said:

“I think I just found the right words my friend…

…Esto va a ser jodidamente genial!”

“This is going to be fucking great!”

If I wanted to see Dragon Ball minus everything that made Dragon Ball good I would watch Dragon Ball Super.
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Post #12
Dashguy


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post Apr 4 2017, 04:25 AM
Chapter 10 is here, and it's the same ego-stroke fest as before. Why am I not surprised?

“No! Not over yet!”

“C’mon Spike you will have to do better than that!”

“Don’t worry I’m planning to…

…Come on!”

The gay jokes practically write themselves.

Alex and Spike were sparring for more than 2 hours a day. The past 3 weeks were tough; their clothes were a mess, not to mention they had wounds and bandages all over. This was their last sparring and decided to go all out. Shining Armor was with them, looking from outside the training barrier; their weapons kept clashing, the Prince was amazed by Alex’s abilities but it was Spike the one that caught his attention, he was putting up a good fight against Alex, even though his life score points were almost zero. With one final blow straight to his chest, the little dragon lost.

Uh…this is all very nice and dandy, but why do they have wounds? Aren’t they using the “fake weapons” which cannot hurt?

Because consistency is TWO HARD U GUIEZ!

After the training barrier disappeared, Alex extended his hand to help his little friend stand up:

“Damn it! I lost again! Well, at least this time I managed to take thirty points off from your life score points Alex.”

“Yeah! You are really good, I feel sorry for the ones that will face you at the Tournament.” – Alex replied.

Yeah, they'll beat you so easily, that they wished they got a different opponent.

I love how, for all the Spike wanking, the author makes sure he stays second fiddle to his self-insert.



Katanas: the essential weapon for wannabe badasses.

You know what irks me the most about this, GorillaGamer? The fact this cocksucker supposedly knows how to use a spear. Because, guess what? The spear was the preferred weapon of the samurai, while the katana was just for backup. Yeah, that stick with the pointy tip? That shit was the real deal back then. Easy to make, maintain and use; great for formations. Every single army used them. Vikings? Check. Spartans? Check. Crusaders? Check. But, of course, sacrificing practicality for coolness is all what these buffons are about.

By the way, extra points for clashing the blades, risking dents and cracks, instead of parrying or using footwork to evade.


Shining Armor threw a couple of towels at them and said:

“I agree with you Alex, Spike is really something else, I can’t believe that little crying baby dragon my little sister used to cradle would become like this, you are really growing up Spike.”

“Thanks Shining Armor, that means a lot!”

“No problem Spike, I wouldn’t say it if it wasn’t true”

Alex removed the sweat and dirt from his face using the towel Shining Armor gave him.

Dirt, were they playing in the mud or something?

Well, I think it’s time for a good lunch, care to join us Shinning?” – Alex asked.

“Yeah, as long there is no meat, I’ll be glad to…”

Because only EVUL FILTHY HOUMANZ eat meat!

The three of them laughed so hard at this. Alex was shaking off the dust from his clothes.

“Don’t worry Shinning, Spike and I had just picked up a nice amount of fruits and berries, and I know that you guys don’t like eating meat so I wouldn’t do it in front of any of you.”

“LOOK AT ME! I’M SOOO CONSIDERATE!”

Shining Armor and Spike followed Alex to their cabin which was located in the middle of the forest. Alex turned to Spike and said:

“Wow Spike! It’s amazing how you mastered the Katanas in just three weeks!”

Much like how the author mastered his Katana in three weeks...

“Well, it’s not like I haven’t seen them before. I read a lot of comic books, the ones about Samurais and ninja Minotaurs are quite popular you know, but being honest, I never thought I would use them. Thanks for teaching me Alex!” – Spike replied.

“No problem little brother, but still, you are amazing. It took me at least one and a half month to start using them properly, not to mention all those cuts I got.”

Right. Allow me to use my martial arts expertise to translate what happened here:

-Neckbeard watches Rurouni Kenshin or some other katana glorifying show and decides he totally wants to do that too.
-Goes to fencing school and is surprised when teacher handles him a wooden sword and sets him aside to learn proper stance and footwork.
-Gets bored of walking back and forth and asks when they are going to use “real swords” and do all the shit they do on his animus. Teacher smiles and replies something along the lines of “to learn to run, you must first learn to walk”.
-Neckbeard drops after first class, buys a katana and begins practicing by himself while watching his animus. One month later, he can do a twirl without dropping the sword or cutting himself and declares himself a master.


“That’s only because you are a slow learner Alex!” – Spike said laughing so hard.

“We are getting cocky, aren’t we? Well, I must admit you may be right, anyway, I think it was a good duel before the competition.”

As they were getting close to the cabin, Shining Armor turned to Alex and asked:

“Alex, the Tournament will start in three days, why did you choose to stop training today?”

Because I paid him $20 to stop writing in shitty training montages.

“Because I want Spike and me to relax a bit; I really want to enjoy this place for at least a couple of days before we leave, as you may know, clearing your mind is also an important part of your training. That way you won’t freak out while competing.”

How about letting your body recover and heal your wounds? Oh wait, that doesn’t sound as deep as “clearing your mind”. Silly me.

“I agree with you Alex, someponies should try that too, some of them are still freaked out about this thing that happened two weeks ago…”

“Yeah, when Spike and I saw the day and night mixing together in the sky, we couldn’t believe it; that was something scary!”

“It was during the Summer Sun Celebration, remember I told you Alex” - Spike said.

“Yeah, I can’t believe the girls had to give up their Elements to restore the tree of harmony, I should have been there to help but I wasn’t, I thought they were all ok because Princess Celestia didn’t send a letter to Spike. How were we supposed to know they were kidnapped?” – Alex asked.

Ummm...when did this happen exactly?

The first two episodes of the fourth season of the show.

Ah, I see.

Spike lowered his head: “I feel sorry about that too...”

“Hey, don’t feel bad guys – Shining Armor said - there was no way you could know, besides, the girls and your marefriend are very strong, they handled the situation quite fine!”

“You are right; they are really strong! But there are other things that bother me, like when Fluttershy turned into a bat pony; I wasn’t there to help her, what kind of a boyfriend am I?”

Fluttershy dressing up as Batman, and fighting crime all over Equestria.

There, I came up with a far better fanfiction, and I haven't even seen the show.


Spike got near Alex and said:

“Easy Alex, Twilight and the rest were there to help her, you must realize they can take care of themselves, there will be many situations where we will not be present and you will just have to believe in them.”

“Spike is right Alex; do you think I don’t get worried knowing my little Sister Twilight gets into really dangerous situations? But then I remember she is very strong, and I believe in her! It wasn’t easy at first but they have proven to me and all of Equestria that they are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves; protect them when you can, and when you can’t, just have faith in them”- Shining Armor said.

“Thanks Shinning. Spike, you are right, I guess I have become overprotective since the day Fluttershy became my marefriend.”

The girls are perfectly competent as long as they don’t share the scene with the self-insert. That’s nice to know, I guess.

That could be said for 95% of all H.I.E stories.

“That’s because you love her very much, she is such a lucky mare!”

“That’s not true Shining Armor, I’m a very lucky human” – Alex replied.

Finally, they reached their cabin and got inside. Alex and Spike took a shower and changed their clothes. Spike helped on getting the table ready for them to eat while Alex prepared a delicious fruit salad, enough for the three of them. Once they were done eating, they went outside the cabin and sat under a big three, this forest was really beautiful. It was a place where anypony could find peace.

Alex turned to Shining Amor and asked:

“Shinning, are our clothes ready?”

“Yes, I will send them tomorrow, I must say they look cool, but why didn’t you ask Rarity to make them?”

“She is very busy helping with the preparations for the tournament, all of them are, and that’s why I told them not to come see us so they could focus on their duties.”

Silly mares get distracted so easily. Good thing here’s a dude to tell them what to do.

“You are right about that! I have never seen my sister so focused on a single project like she is now. This is her very first job as a princess since she was crowned. That is why she wants it to be perfect!” – Shining Armor said.

Oh yeah, I forgot about Alicorn Twilight. Though I can't forget about how the fanbase reacted to it.

Allow me to summarize: *AUTISTIC SCREECHING*

After having some rest back in the cabin, Shining Armor told them it was time for him to go. Alex and Spike were about to take him to the entrance of the forest, he opened the door and noticed a yellow pony running towards them, when the pony got closer they realized it was Fluttershy.

“Oh my! It’s good to see you Alex, I missed you so much!”

“Fluttershy?! What… what are you doing here? Not that I mind but . . . don’t you have things to prepare…” – Alex couldn’t finish his sentence as Fluttershy hugged him so hard, she literally squeezed the air out of his lungs.

“We finished preparing everything a couple of hours ago so I decided to come here to visit you!”

Alex opened his eyes and noticed Lyra and the Crusaders coming their way.

Can't forget about the cock-sucking brigade.

It’s too late to go back to the katana bullshit?

He looked at Fluttershy, hugged her and gave her a kiss.

“Of course it’s ok with me! To be honest, I wanted to see you after the first day I came here! Thank you so much for coming!” – Alex said.

The rest of the group arrived and joined them in a warm hug. Fluttershy noticed that Alex was covered in bandages; she knew they had been training hard and even though she didn’t like the idea of Alex and Spike hurting themselves she knew he was so excited about the Tournament so she didn’t say a word about it. They all said goodbye to Shining Armor and walked to the cabin. Once they were in, Fluttershy started cleaning and healing Alex and Spike’s wounds.



Sweetie Belle may as well be a cushion, for how often Alex plops her on his lap.

Complete with corresponding personality.

“Wow guys! I must say you and Spike seem ready to compete!” – Pinkie Pie said.

“Thanks Pinkie, I hope we do well in the tournament!” – Spike replied.

“And of course Alex, you will have the honor of being defeated by me!” – Rainbow Dash exclaimed while looking at Alex directly to his eyes.

“We’ll see about that!”

Applejack stood between them and said:

“Easy guys, your time to face each other will come soon. Meanwhile I brought these delicious apples for yah to enjoy!”

'Note to self: If I were to eat and enjoy Applejack's apples, I could have her eating out of my hand.' Hey Dashguy's right, it is easy to hook up wit the Mane 6.

Stick with me, son, and you’ll learn a lot of things.

Once Fluttershy was done cleaning and healing Alex’s wounds, Sweetie Bell got on his lap and asked him:

“So brother, are you ready?”

“Yes little sister, I’m ready”

“Great! I can’t wait to see you rocking that tournament!”

“Yeah! And then we will have a great party for your and Spike’s Victory!” – Pinkie Pie said.

“I promise we will do our best” – Alex replied.

Lyra got near Alex and told him: “Please be careful Alexis; even if those weapons can’t hurt you, punches and kicks will surely do it. So you guys better take good care of yourselves while in there.”

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop right there, missy! “Punches and kicks”? That changes everything! What if a guy is at minimum HP then suddenly knocks out his opponent with a punch? Does it count as a win? If that’s the case, what’s preventing a large, strong guy from wearing as much armor as possible to block the fake weapons and resorting to beat the other guy with his fists to win? I swear this tournament gets dumber with every chapter.

What happens if these fake weapons have armor-piercing capabilities?

Considering the inconsistent mess that was the "darkness stone" from the first story, I wouldn't put it past the author.

“Thanks Lyra, we will, I promise!”

Alex noticed the way Rarity was looking at them. He stood up and asked her:

“Something wrong Rarity?”

“Darling! Your and Spikey clothes! They look awful!”

'Note to self: Brush up on fashion knowledge, if you want a chance at Rarity...'

“Well Rarity, clothes would normally look like this after a month of hard training.”

“Well I just decided I’m going to make you some proper clothes for the event!” – Rarity said.

“Thanks Rarity but don’t worry, Spike and I asked someone else in Canterlot to take care of that.” – Alex replied.

Rarity was heart-broken after hearing these words.

“But why? Don’t you like my work darling? Is it not good enough for you?”

“It’s not that Rarity, Spike and I didn’t want to worry you with other stuff while you were helping out getting all of the things ready for the Tournament. Please accept our apologies; we didn’t think I would hurt your feelings”

“It’s ok, I will forgive you this time but please remember, a friend of mine, specially you, Spikey or the girls will always be my top priority. Don’t ever hesitate to ask me for help!”

So by that logic, Dashguy and I are priority No. 8 and 9 respectively.

Cool, it just happens I need some help with my gigantic boner.

“And yah can count on us too sugarcube!” – Everypony nodded.

“Thanks girls!”

Rarity took out some of her own clothing designs and showed them to Alex.

“And I had so amazing ideas for your clothes, just look at them!”

Alex and Spike looked at the drawings, bright colors and flowers all over, they looked at each other and then turned to Rarity saying: “These are awesome designs Rarity, too bad we have already paid huge amounts of money for the ones we will use!”

“Well, that’s too sad for you guys. I know you would look fantastic in these!” Rarity said.

The guys smiled back at Rarity and turned around - “Thanks god we found somepony else to make our clothes Spike…”

Spike noded

“What did you say Alex?” – Rarity asked.

“Well… I was just challenging Spike for a race towards the waterfall in the forest…”

Why? Why are you challenging Spike to a random ass race?

“Ok – Rarity said – because if you really want it, I can start making your clothes right here and I’ll pay for what you…”

“2 … 1 … Run Spike! Run!”

Everypony saw Alex and Spike running out of the cabin like never before.

Rarity forcing flowery dresses on her friends. Was this part co-written by Mykan or something?

- - - - - -

The day before the opening ceremony, Alex, while in his pony form, Spike and the rest of the group were walking in Canterlot’s streets. The whole city was decorated with tournament motifs, Alex could not believe the amount of Minotaurs, Griffins, Zebras and Horses that were outside in the streets. Many food stores, souvenirs, there was even an exclusive “Meat Lovers” section for Griffins on the restaurants.

Cool, I could get a Meat Lovers pizza there! Good thing too, I'm hungry as fuck.

“Wow, I think Canterlot won’t be enough for everypony if more creatures keep coming in!” – Alex said.

“Yah said partner, and they are only the audience. The competitors have yet to come; I heard Princess Celestia had to install magical tents on the City Limits because of the amount of visitors coming in.” – Applejack said.

“Magical tents?” – Alex asked.

“Tents that are bigger inside than what they look on the outside. It’s a very tricky spell” - Twilight explained

“Where did I see that before?” Alex thought

Harry Potter. Surely taking elements from superior works will make mine look better, right?.

He kept walking when a poster hanging on a wall caught his attention; he got closer to it so he could have a better look. It had an image of him from his back, his head was covered by a hood – “Well, that looks cool!” – He said to himself. There was something else written on it:

“Canterlot’s Coliseum Tournament

Behold the return of the Hero of Canterlot”



Alex must really like looking at his ass.

Why does this guy gets a poster but Rainbow Dash doesn’t? I mean, didn’t she take part of that battle too? Hasn’t she saved the world before? Wouldn’t people rather look at her ass than this guy’s?

“Wow! That’s a really nice propaganda. I hope I don’t disappoint them…” – Alex said.

“I know you won’t” – Fluttershy replied. She was looking at the poster.

“Fluttershy, I didn’t even notice when you came close to me.”

“I know, your eyes were amazed by looking at your own image. I love how you look…”

That line is an excellent summary of this story as a whole.

“Thank you darling…” – Alex and Fluttershy shared a smile.

Rainbow Dash got next to them and said: “I’m really sorry to interrupt you guys, but you have to come with us. The warriors from the different countries are coming in now; we have to see them and the balloons they used to come here. There were rumors that the previous champion: Bright Courage was going out of retirement to compete in this event one more time! I didn’t believe it, but it was true. He is actually coming right now so we have to hurry! C’mon!”

Everypony followed Rainbow Dash to the airport. The place was full of fans and visitors. It was an amazing view, balloons of every color coming from the most distant countries: Minus, Griffonia, Zebrica, Saddle Sarabia and the Cristal Empire. Alex had to admit it; the look was impressive.

“What kind of competitors will I face?” – He thought.

Mortals who are no match for your retard blades.

The competitors arrived; they were all welcomed by their fans. Everypony was cheering and chanting for their favorite warrior. Out of all of the competitors, five of them stopped next to one of the posters showing Alex’s image.

---

“Once I defeat you, my popularity will rise to the skies and every creature in the World will know about me!”

---

“Hahahaha! Just you wait my cute human. Very soon, you will be added to my special list. You must be grateful”

“Easy sister, don’t get horny now”

“Shut up brother! You know it’s been a long time since I’m interested on a new target!”

“Whatever!”

---

“This is so exciting! I really hope to have the opportunity to face you pal! I wonder if the stories about you killing two Manticores are true!”

---

“…Finally. Without knowing, you have lit my will to fight again.”

---



Why does that figure on the top left have a massive Adam's Apple?

What a lovely collection of clichés. We have the arrogant dude who’s going to get taken down a peg, the perverted, sadistic chick with a boner for the protagonist, the friendly, enthusiastic rival and the stern but honorable warrior looking for a worthy opponent.

Alex didn’t notice any of these competitors looking at his image. He was so amazed by the amount of fans that were gathered in the place. Suddenly, he felt uneasy; he knew this Coliseum Tournament would be very difficult. But there was something else…

He was scared.

And? Even if we pretend there’s a chance he would lose, what reasons do we have to care about this tournament aside of some vague shit about “it would be good for Equestria”?

And with a bunch of shadowy figures staring at a poster ominously, we end this chapter. One thing I will say is that since Rainbow Dash is fighting in the tournament, I'm going to predict that she'll end up fighting Gilda at some point.
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Post #13
Dashguy


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post Apr 6 2017, 03:49 AM
Chapter 11 is here, and we see the return of a familiar foe. What am I talking about you ask? Well you'll have to find out.

As the competitors started to arrive, everypony gathered around to take pictures and ask for their autographs. There were very well known warriors amongst them.

From the Griffin Kingdom, King Aguilex brought his bravest warriors. The Razor Twins: Tyras and Tyros,

Ow the edge!

kek

captains of the Royal Guard. Tyras was looking at every direction, she seemed to be searching something, her brother Tyros noticed this and said:

“Calm down sister, you know he will not be here, the Princess said he will not show-up until the opening ceremony!”

“Ugh! I guess you are right, I just hope he is at least cute. That painting of him shows nothing. Well, I’m glad he is a new species to add to my collection.”

I think I’ve mentioned this at some point, but I don’t read a story in its entirety before mocking it. Just a couple of the first chapters and maybe a quick peek on the later ones. I like to “surprise” myself and occasionally see if I can predict future events or outcomes based on the author’s total lack of creativity.

In this case, I predict Griffon chick will attempt to flirt with Alex and fail, followed by making a bet: if he loses, he’s going to join her harem. It won’t work, of course, and the whole thing will double as a way of not only showing how “badass” Alex is, but how much he "loves" Fluttershy.


The Twins continued walking behind their King.

The Horses from Saddle Sarabia, their Sultan Mahad and his wife Lady Myra came next. The look on their eyes was full of determination, the way they marched together towards Canterlot made the whole place tremble. One of the horses was taller than the rest, he was a known warrior. The crow was so excited to see him, they started shouting:

There are crows in Equestria?!

I’m more fascinated by the fact they can talk and are interested in contact sports.

“Look! It’s Maximus Heart! He is here and he will compete!”

Many mares were chanting his name. Maximus Heart didn’t turn around to smile at his fans. He closed his eyes and ignored them - “They are no worthy of me!” - He said to himself.

Oh my. I wonder if Maximus will find a mare around here worthy of his attention. Perhaps one of the Mane Six? That would make the fight with Alex more personal. But, seriously, what are the chances of that happening? I mean, the author would have to be a drooling, uncreative chimp in order to write an scenario like that.

The Chief Zent and his best Zebra warriors arrived from Zebrica. Their arrival was announced by the sound of music from their land. All of them looked so noble and wise;



Powerful zebras wearing golden armor and weapons. One of these warriors looked up to the sky and thought – “This is it! I will do my best! I hope I have the chance to fight him!”

The last ones to arrive were the citizens of Minus. The whole place went silent when two trumpets announced the arrival of their Great King. A line of Minotaur soldiers started marching out of their balloon, they stopped at some meters and suddenly the line split into two, they turned around and faced each other. They were wearing silver armor and weapons that made them look menacing. At the sound of the trumpets, they raised their swords and their Great King, Strong Blade came out; his wife, the Queen Wildheart was next to him. They marched between the two lines of soldiers who put the swords back in their sheaths as soon as the kings passed by. The citizens that gathered in the place were still waiting to see the champion of the last Coliseum Tournament.

Remember when this exact scene was in the fourth Harry Potter movie? How thrilling it was to see all three schools show off their power? I am getting none of that here.

There were rumors that he would come out of retirement and participate in this tournament to defend his title, but the crow was getting anxious. Was he really going to participate?

CROWD! YOU ILLITERATE ANIMAL! CROWD! STOP EATING THE D!

Finally, he came out of the Balloon.

The whole place was engulfed in excitement. Everyone was chanting his name, wishing to see him fight once more. The Minus King, nodded at him and the whole group started marching towards Royal Palace.

It was on their way to the Palace that each of this individuals looked at the poster of the Hero of Canterlot.

Alex was standing in his place, looking at the current Coliseum Tournament Champion walking towards the Royal Palace. He knew the Minotaur was old, but he looked so strong and powerful. Suddenly, Alex felt the touch of his loved one bringing him back to reality.

“I know you can beat him Alex, please don’t ask me how do I know this, but I just do.” - Sweetie Bell was next to him too. He smiled at Fluttershy, kissed her and hugged his sister.

“Thank you for believing in me.”

More cheesy, saccharine crap. Just what I wanted...

“He became the champion after defeating opponents from all other races, without mentioning he hunted some of the most dangerous predators all over the world, but I know for a fact you can beat him.” Fuck this shit. If she’s not going to pretend, then neither am I!

---

Princess Celestia and Luna welcomed the Kings and each Tournament competitor to the Royal Palace:

“Celestia and I, the Princesses of Canterlot welcome you to Equestria, we hope you enjoy your staying here!”

King Aguilex from Griffonia was the first one to speak - “I’m sure we will Celestia and Luna, all my soldiers are eager to participate and win this event.”

“I can tell the same thing for my Horses” – Sultan Mahad said.

“My Zebras will do their best and win” – Chief Zent exclaimed.

King Strong Blade was silent; he didn’t say a word about his Champions. He was carefully looking at every corner of the room they were in. Once he realized what he was looking for wasn’t in the room with them, he asked:

“Princess Celestia, Princess Luna. Sorry to interrupt but, may I know where this human is? I’m very sure I’m talking for all of us when I say we wanted to meet the Hero of Canterlot.”

“As we previously mentioned, he will be in opening ceremony tomorrow” – Princess Luna answered.

“And why would he want to wait until tomorrow, wouldn’t it be better for him to be here today and let us meet him personally?” – Queen Wildheart asked.

Good question. Why the hell is Alex waiting out on them all?

I’ve come to realize that this abomination of a plot makes much more sense if you think about it as a marketing ploy from Celestia. By announcing the participation of some alien nobody has seen before, whom is also a “great hero”, she’s ensuring a lot of people will attend the tournament, which means a greater influx of tourists into Equestria. It’s clever, if you ask me, although I doubt the author had anything in mind beyond “look at mai oc u guise”.

“We asked him to wait until tomorrow – Princess Celestia said - we wanted to make this event special and we believe it will be better for him to wait until the opening ceremony and show up. Even though he is not in this place right now, he is in Canterlot already.”

“Is he really in Canterlot?!” – Tyras, one of the Griffin Twins exclaimed. Her brother felt embarrassed as she was unable to contain herself and her voice was too loud.

“Well, I think that’s rude, I totally get the idea of you making this some sort of special thing by showing him until the opening ceremony. But we are royalty; he should be here for us!”

“King Aguilex, please remember that he is an Equestrian. He will only answer to Princess Luna, Cadence, Twilight and me, – Princess Celestia said – he will be in the opening ceremony tomorrow, not before.”

“Very well Celestia, I will go have some rest for tomorrow – King Aguilex stood up and looked at his soldiers - Guards! You are dismissed, go have some fun and prepare for tomorrow.”

Unfortunately, the griffins took this opportunity to pillage the city of Canterlot.

The other Kings gave similar orders to their competitors and left the room. Princess Luna and Celestia were the only ones left. “Can’t they wait for a little more time until the opening ceremony?” – Luna looked at Celestia - “I know how you feel Lulu, let’s go have some rest too. Tomorrow is the big day!”

“Yes, it will be great! I can’t wait to see Alex and Spike compete, not that I wouldn’t like my crystal ponies to win. But they are good friends of mine. I also want to see the previous Champion, Bright Courage compete again. He is a great warrior!” – Princess Cadence said.

“Yes my niece, when I first heard these rumors, I couldn’t believe it; when I had the honor to give him the trophy last tournament, he said out loud that he had finally defeated every living creature and achieved all of the greatest honors a warrior could wish for. That way he declared his retirement in front of everypony.”

“This will be a great Tournament Luna, both Alex and Bright Courage will make their returns tomorrow. Everypony will be excited to see the previous Champion and the Hero of Canterlot competing in the same arena.”

Both Princesses walked to their rooms to have some rest. They knew that the next day would be a very busy one.

These are not princesses. These are a bunch of moronic fangirls.

---

The city of Canterlot was completely full; Citizens, visitors and soldiers were all walking through its streets. There was a long time since this amount of visitors had arrived in the city; Princess Celestia had ordered his best guards to patrol the streets to make sure everything was fine.

Through these same streets, Maximus Heart the great horse from Saddle Sarabia was trotting with a group of the best warriors from his country - “I must admit Canterlot is a decent city, much better than that Ponyville where the “Elements of Harmony” live. I wonder where this human might be? Princess Celestia said he was already here. What a coward! He must be hidden, planning some stupid and useless strategies hoping to beat me…”- He turned around as something caught his attention – “Now, that is a jewel I want in my collection…”

Real subtle, I can smell the villain vibes from a hundred miles away.

What is this “subtlety” you speak of, GorillaGamer? Is it perhaps edible?

---

Alex and the rest of the group were outside a restaurant looking for something to eat. They were talking about the Cheerleading songs and chants they had been practicing for their favorite competitors, Alex, Spike and Rainbow Dash.

“I still can’t believe it is tomorrow. I must admit I’m a little nervous.”

“Oh! Don’t be nervous Alex; I’m pretty sure all of you will do fine. Remember that we will be there to support you!” – Alex was about to hug his friend but he was interrupted by the voice of someone speaking out loud - “Hello pretty unicorn” – He turned his head to see who it was. A horse from Saddle Sarabia was standing in front of them. Maximus Heart was looking at Rarity straight to her eyes.

A stallion of good tastes, I see.

Alex didn’t like him, not just because of the way he was talking to Rarity but because he looked so selfish and arrogant.

It's like he's *gasp!* a cheap knock off of Prince Blueblood.

Because it wasn’t enough to beat and kill him once, we gotta do the same to his reincarnation.

He was going to tell her to go with him somewhere else so they could continue talking but he noticed that Rarity seemed quite charmed by the horse. She said:

“Oh, hello there, are you Maximus Heart the hero of Saddle Sarabia?”

“Yes lady, that’s me! May I have the honor to know your name?”

“Rarity…”

“I was looking for that freaky thing called human. I wanted to see if he was at least worth of participating in the Coliseum Tournament. Then, I came across this beauty that is talking to me right now, so I wondered if I could have the honor of knowing her name”

Rarity got a little upset about him calling Alex a freaky thing,

The truth can hurt sometimes. I of all people, should know about this...

but she decided to ignore that and kept talking – “Trust me darling, we have seen him in action and you should believe me when I say you shouldn’t underestimate him, being honest I’m rooting for him to win this tournament!”

“Hahahaha, I see you have such a great sense of humor. Well, I’m pretty sure you will change your mind when you see my amazing skills. But that’s enough of me for now, what about you allowing me to take you out on a date; surely a beautiful mare like you would enjoy a romantic dinner. What do you say?”

Rarity was speechless, she could not deny he was quite attractive, but something didn’t feel right about him, he reminded her of Blueblood.

I know. It's like the author has no idea how to come up with creative villains.

Isn’t it funny how Mykan and the author of this thing have the same level of writing yet only one of them gets the deserved amount of hate?

But maybe he was different. It would be nice to give him a try. Rarity was about to answer his question but was suddenly interrupted by a group of fans who started calling out his name.

“Oh my! It’s Maximus Heart! Please give us an autograph!”

A group of fillies and colts started surrounding them. They were cheering for him, a little pony got out of the crow and trotted towards the horse. Alex was surprised to notice she was PixelBerry, she was coming their way.

Oh yeah, I forgot about that artist whom Alejin has a crush on.

Not this shit again…

“Ugh! Annoying brats” - Maximus Heart said to himself while keeping a smile on his face –“After all, these fans are the ones buying my merchandise.”

“PixelBerry! It’s so good to see you!” – Pinkie Pie said - “Hi Girls, it’s nice to see you too!”

“May we know what are yah doing sugarcube?” – Applejack asked.

“I’m volunteering to take care of the fillies from the orphanage, all of them wanted to meet Alex and the rest of the competitors!”

Let me guess. Maximus acts like a dick, so Alex can look good in front of the orphans.

“Oh! Is that so? Well, good for you darling. That’s such a nice thing to do but I’m afraid you will have to wait until tomorrow. Princess Celestia gave Alex instructions to not show up in front of anypony until tomorrow.”

“I see, Rarity. Is he really alive? Is he really going to be there tomorrow? Please tell me it’s not a cruel joke!”

“Sugarcube - Applejack told her - Ah give yah my word as the Element of Honesty that Alex is alive. He will be there tomorrow and ah can promise yah that he is already in Canterlot. Sorry ah can’t tell yah where.”

“Great! I’m so happy; I want to talk to him so bad. Please, if you see him, tell him I say hello and that he can come to my Cider Bar whenever he wants. I’ll invite him!”

One of the orphans got close to Maximus Heart and asked him for an autograph.

“Mr. Maximus, can I please have your autograph?”

"I WOST MY PAWENTS IN A TWAGIC ACCIDENT!"

There, that's how you write sickeningly sweet orphan dialogue.


“Of course little one, but I’m afraid you will have to pay first! – the orphan was surprised after hearing this words - Do… do I have to pay Sir?”

“Yeah! Everypony pays for an autograph of mine. I am pretty famous you know…”

“I, I don’t have any money Sir.”

“I see, well I guess there is no autograph for you. Now go and comeback when you have money and we will talk about the autograph you want.”

The orphan started crying, he was such a big fan of Maximus Heart. The little pony ran towards Pixel Berry, she hugged him - “Don’t cry cutie!”

“But I really wanted his autograph! He looked so nice, what if Mr. Alex is the same as him? Are they all the same?” - Maximus Heart heard this words - “I can’t believe she didn’t know my autographs are so valuable! Ponies are so ignorant!”



Wow! The only way this shit could be less subtle was if half of those orphans were on wheelchairs and the other half in crutches!

Rarity was completely shocked after hearing these words. She couldn’t believe she was about to accept his offer to go out on a date – “So pretty, what do you say? Would you like to go out on a date with me?”- He asked. Rarity was so angry, she couldn’t control herself and without hesitating, she slapped him in the face.

I guess Alex wanted to make sure that nobody touches his Rarity.

“I would never go out with someone as disgusting as you!”

Alex and Spike smirked, they were so proud of Rarity; Maximus Heart was full of anger – ““How dare you? Do you know how many ponies and horses would give it all to go out on a date with me? Ugh! It doesn’t matter now, I thought you were different but you are as pathetic as these orphans!”

Everypony was at their limit, Alex and Spike wanted to beat him to a pulp, but if they did, they could be disqualified from the Tournament for starting a fight against another competitor outside the Coliseum. Alex knew this risk, however, he started trotting towards the horse -

“What do you want pathetic pony? Do you want to fight me?” - Alex kept trotting, everypony was afraid of him doing something stupid. Alex trotted past Maximus Heart without even looking at him; he got close to Pixel Berry and the little pony.

“Hi there cutie, what’s your name?” – He asked, the little pony wiped her tears off and answered - “Bright Hope Sir.”

Gah! Even his name is cheesy, even for MLP standards.

“That’s a beautiful name! I want to give you this!”

Alex took out some Tournament Premium tickets and gave them to her, PixelBerry and the other orphans.



And where did Alex get these premium tickets?

I don’t know, but if I were PixelBerry, I would tell that filly to wash her hooves afterwards, just in case.

“How you have these tickets? They are really expensive, we can’t pay for them!” – PixelBerry exclaimed.

“Don’t worry; they are my gift to you. I’m pretty sure Alex the human would love to see you and these little ponies cheering for him. Would you like to have Alex’s autograph Bright Hope?” – She was so happy to hear this - “Yes sir, we all want to have it but we don’t have money to pay for it!”

“Don’t worry about that, Alex doesn’t want anything in exchange for his autograph. In fact, I can assure you he would be honored to have somepony asking him for it. I do know him a little; if you want, I will tell him to give it to you personally when the show ends, what do you say?”

“Really?!”

“Yeah! Trust me.” – Alex said, he was so happy to see Bright Hope smiling again - “And for you” - He said while turning to face Maximus Heart.

“What?”

“Pray…”

“Pray, why would I pray for?” – Maximus Heart asked.

“Pray for not facing Alex the human in the tournament, pray for being eliminated before you even get in his way, because I will personally ask him to whoop your ass. You said your autographs are so valuable? Let’s see how valuable they are after Alex sweeps the floor with you!”

This shit is so cliched, I could swear the author nicked it from some cheap Saturday morning cartoon.

It’s like one of those fake-ass, “uplifting” stories people post on Facebook to get brownie points. You know the ones.

“I was waiting in line on the grocery store when this fat, ugly redneck with a Trump hat and a Confederacy flag on his shirt started berating and insulting this poor, pregnant Muslim woman for taking too long to look for money on her purse while holding her baby. “You fucking terrorist cunt!” He yelled with an ugly voice. “It’s bad enough you kill our people overseas, but you have to come and infect our proud American land too?” The woman and her baby were at the verge of tears. I had enough, so I stepped in, punched the redneck in the face and said, “You, sir, are a disgrace to America!” I turned to the Muslim woman and apologized on the behalf of America, offering to pay for her groceries. The manager suddenly appeared. He banned the redneck for life from every store in the state, offered to pay for everybody’s groceries and gave me a coupon for fifty percent discount for my next five hundred purchases. The Muslim woman said I was a hero and the cute cashier gave me her phone number written on her panties. This goes to show we can all do our part in making the world a better place.”


Maximum Heart was so angry after hearing this - “So it seems you really know the human don’t you? Tell him this, if he gets in my way, I will humiliate him. The price for a small autograph will triple after he goes down, after I beat the freaking human who dared face me!”

“Don’t worry, he will know this…” – Alex said.

“Excellent! And now, how did you dare touching my face you usele…” - Alex, interrupted Maximum Heart before he could finish his sentence – “Hey! I wouldn’t dare saying that! Alex is a good friend of that pretty mare and the others in our group. You can be damn sure I will tell him how you insulted Rarity; he will not be happy to hear that. But If I tell him you did it twice, trust me, he will break your legs, and will have fun while doing it! So shut up and go away while you still can!”

Why is this guy the hero again?!

Maximum Heart didn’t say a word. He didn’t know why but this pony sounded so convincing, deep inside he started to feel scared of Alex. He was started to feel intimidated.

“Whatever! Just tell him what I said. Soldiers, let’s go! I don’t want to be in this filthy place anymore!” - Maximus trotted away followed by his soldiers.



Bad dog! Don't growl at the horse.

Now that you mention it, he does look like one those small dogs their crazy owners dress with dumb-looking clothing for Facebook pictures. That aside, there’s nothing as pathetic as a “bully beatdown” fantasy; especially when it’s so blatantly contrived. Are you telling me this guy, the best warrior of his country, is intimidated by a little shit half his size and an insult as generic as “I’ll break your legs”? Also, notice how Maximus cannot even come up with a decent insult himself, despite the fact he looks like the guy who does that all the time, and goes away with only a childish retort.

Rarity hugged Alex and said: “Thank you darling! Thank you so much! You gave that flankhole a lesson!”

“It’s ok Rarity; it was the least I could do.”

“It was enough darling – Rarity said – But I would like to ask you a favor!”

“What is it?” – Alex asked.

Rarity got close to him and whispered to his ear – ““If you face him at the tournament, show him no mercy!”

Alex smiled - “Trust me; you don’t need to ask that!”

I wonder what happened to all those guards that were with Maximus. Did they disappear when the conflict began?

They were secretly rooting for Alex.

They looked at each other and laughed out loud; PixelBerry got next to Alex and hugged him - “Thank you Alex!”

“What? Lady I think you are…” – PixelBerry continued - “Don’t try to deny it Alex. I recognized you, I had my doubts but I knew it with when you gave me the tickets, remember you did the same thing when we first met? I’d like to know how you managed to turn into a pony but I need to go back to the orphanage, I’ll talk to you tomorrow, ok?”

“. . . ok”

PixelBerry smiled - “It’s good to have you back with us Alex. Please, kick Maximus’ ass at the tournament!”

“Yes!”

PixelBerry started her way back to the orphanage, the little ponies were so happy to have these tickets. Alex turned to his friends – “Let’s go eat something delicious! And let’s forget about this stupid horse”! – Everypony nodded and smiled as they went into the restaurant.

You sure you don’t want to have anybody else insult the guy and then praise you? What about Spike? The orphans maybe?

Once they were done eating their meal, the headed back to the Royal Palace. It was already late and they decided to go to bed and have some rest before the big day. After saying goodnight, Alex asked Twilight and Spike to come to his room – “What are you guys up to?” Rainbow Dash asked – “I’m sorry, but Twilight, Spike and I need to discuss something regarding the Tournament, it’s classified.” – Alex answered.

Is it more of the same BOYZ ONLY crap that Alex keeps spewing?

“I didn’t want to know anyways…” – Rainbow Dash replied as she turned around and started trotting towards her room.

A couple of minutes later, Twilight and Spike got out of Alex’s room – ““So Twilight, are you sure IT can be done?” – Twilight smiled and said – ““Yeah! It’s a simple spell that will amplify the sound. Well, it will actually be a big spell but don’t worry, leave everything to me! I can’t wait for tomorrow. All I can say is that you have an awesome idea!”

Alex looked at Spike; he smiled and turned to Twilight.

“Yes Twilight, it will be awesome!”

I expect absolutely nothing yet I’m sure I will still be disappointed.

One more thing before I close off this chapter, the author decided to draw some pictures of the rival competitors in the tournement, including dollar-store Blueblood. I will point them out as we go through them.



ManBullGoat

A grizzled Iron Will.



Gilda wannabe

But look at that smirk! She’s so edgy!



Dollar-store Blueblood.

I wonder if he will try to cheat?



And prehaps my favorite of the bunch: Still Unknown Zebra.

The overly enthusiastic and friendly rival. Damn, I miss Blue from the first generations of Pokémon.

Don't worry Dashguy, at least we have Dollar-store Blueblood.
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Post #14
Dashguy


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post Apr 10 2017, 05:29 AM
For all the build up this chapter got, it's embarrassingly short. You'd think that the opening ceremony to a massive event would be worth describing in detail, but apparently the author has more 'important' priorities, shall we say...

The day for the Coliseum Tournament opening ceremony had arrived, everyone was looking for their seats inside Canterlot’s Coliseum. The competitors were in their rooms, getting ready for their entrance. Inside one of these rooms, a human and a little dragon were wearing their new clothes and faker gear; storing their original armor and weapons inside some boxes.

“I’m so nervous Alex, the day has finally come – Spike said – do you think Twilight will get it done?”

“Yeah! I believe in her, we only need to stay calm and do everything like we practiced last night.”

“You think they will like it, it seems a bit different.”

“Well, I hope so, but whether they like it or not, it’s something I always wanted to do and I’m sure I will never have the chance to do it again.”

“Ok brother. Let’s do it!” – Spike exclaimed.

It’s me or they sound like they’re planning to parade around naked with their bodies covered in fruit juice and chicken feathers?

The coliseum was full; all the competitors were leaving their rooms. Alex and Spike decided not to go out yet since they would be the last ones to be introduced to the public. Meanwhile, sitting in their special places, the rulers from the participant countries were having a conversation.

“This better be worth it!” - Aguilex said.

Mister, none of this is worth it.

“I agree. After waiting for so long I hope this human is worthy of our time and effort.” - The ruler of Zebrica replied.

Princess Celestia heard them speaking and said:

“Don’t worry, I don’t know what he is planning to do but it will definitely be incredible!”

After saying this, Princess Celestia, Luna and Cadence flew towards the center of the coliseum and landed in the middle of the fighting platform. Twilight was already there. Princess Celestia used her Canterlot Voice to speak to the crowd.

“My Fellow guests from all the regions of the world. Princess Luna, Princess Cadence, Princess Twilight and I welcome all of you to Equestria to celebrate the 150th Coliseum Tournament.

You mean that there's been 149 shitty tournaments, before this one?

Funny. You would think the Wonderbolts, the best team of fliers Equestria has to offer, would take part in such an important event, yet not a single other competitor beyond Rainbow Dash, Spike and our fucking self-insert seems worthy of mentioning.

Look on the plus side, there's no sign of that Proud Hammer OC.

I’m sure all of us will watch amazing fights between the best warriors from all around the world. And tonight, a good friend of mine will finally show himself in front of all of you!”

Everyone in the place cheered in excitement.

“Now, all of us please welcome our competitors!”

No thanks. I'd rather stay at home and hang out with my sweetheart than to participate in this farce.

The Royal Orchestra started playing Equestria’s anthem; everyone in the place went silent as a sign of respect as the equestrian competitors started walking into the coliseum. Rainbow Dash was the one carrying the flag; it was obvious she was excited to have this honor.

The next ones to enter the coliseum were the Griffins. Some of them were marching while others were making stunts that would make the Wonderbolts jealous. The Razors Twins were the ones carrying their flag.

Right after them, the horses from Saddle Sarabia proceeded to enter; trotting slow and synchronized, all of the warriors had a serious expression on their faces. The one carrying their flag was the Maximus Heart.

The anthem during the Zebras entrance was unique, drums, flutes and gongs; it was a tribal song that sounded amazing. The Zebra carrying the flag looked like a strong warrior, he was the same size as a Pony stallion, his hair was long and had some rings around his neck and front legs.

Notice how all the competing teams get a sentence or two of description? Yeah, you can see where this is going.

Now, it was the Cristal Ponies entrance; it was a unique show all of them were marching and the one in front of all was carrying the Cristal heart with him. The citizens from Canterlot were shouting and cheering for them.

The Bisons were the next ones, they looked big and strong. Their anthem was full of the traditional feeling only a proud tribe can have, all of them wearing war paint and feather bands.

Finally the Minotaurs made their entrance, their anthem sounded like a war song, it was clear for everypony that they liked fights. The Minotaurs were dangerous creatures, Bright courage in the middle of the marching formation; he looked so confident and calm.

When all the competitors were out, they formed in lines waiting around the fighting platform. All of them were looking at the entrance, as the audience, they were waiting for the last to competitors to arrive. After some minutes, the crowd started to get impatient.

“Hey! Where is he! Where is the human? – They started shouting - Yeah! And where is the dragon too? You promised us they would show up tonight!”

“Where’s the human?! Where’s the human?!”

Man, Celestia is truly clever. Taking advantage of the guy’s novelty factor and attention whoring tendencies to ensure they sell plenty of entrance tickets. It wouldn’t surprise me if she resold the ones she was given for her guests.

The Princesses and the Elements, started to worry, not for the crowd but for their friend’s safety. Princess Celestia was about to send the Royal Guards to look for them when suddenly, the sound of a beautiful anthem was all over the place, it was odd since the orchestra wasn’t even playing, no one could identify where was this music coming from. The source of the music was Alex’s laptop, Twilight casted a sound amplification spell on it. The anthem was in a strange language only one particular pony could understand, she was smiling and even let some tears come out. This Mint Green pony was the only one in the audience who knew what was coming.

Fun Fact: In the fic, the author posts a link to a YouTube video of the Guatemalan National Anthem.

It’s bad enough that Fimfiction allows users to post pictures in the middle of their stories, a function which is mostly employed by shitty authors to post captions of video game weapons with a “that’s what my self-insert’s sword looks like guise” line, but I’d like to ask what the fuck were they thinking when they added the function for videos too. Seriously. You want to encourage your writers to get better and try to build a mood by means of a well crafted narrative yet you give them the option of putting a fucking video and write “listen to this music while reading guise!” Fucking morons.

The crow became quiet as soon as this music started to play, after some minutes the music stopped. Everypony was confused; nopony entered the coliseum while the music was still playing. Some ponies were about to start yelling again but another song started.

The strong voice of the singer got into everyone’s head, they liked the rhythm and its lyrics, some of them even started to sing along “… I am the cult of personality!”

Of course everyone eats up Alex's entrance, why would I suspect other wise.

Extra points for inserting a shitty song the author likes.

“It is time my friend…” – The voice of the dragon made a rush of adrenaline run through his bloodstream as he walked out.

The audience and all of the Rulers from around the world turned around to look at him. He was tall, not as much as a Minotaur but still taller than a pony. A little purple dragon was standing next to him. Both of them were wearing strange clothes and were armed to the teeth; his clothes were black and grey, while the dragon was wearing red and green armor. They both had the same strange logo that looked like an “A” on their armor and on the hoods that were covering their faces.

Holy shit; from reading it alone, I can tell that their uniform looks like shit.

All their friends were cheering from their seats, Fluttershy, Lyra and Sweetie bell crying out of excitement, Pinkie pie was shooting her party cannon, Rarity didn’t want to admit it, but those clothes looked really cool. She couldn’t stop looking at Spike – “Why can’t I stop looking at him?” – She said to herself.

Probably for the same reason people cannot stop looking at trainwrecks.

The human was carrying two flags, one on each of his shoulders. Equestria’s flag and the other was one nopony had seen before, it was cyan and white, it had a leaf crown, a scroll and a beautiful green bird in the middle. Spike was carrying Equestria’s flag. They started walking towards the rest of the competitors. Everypony was just looking at them without saying a word. Maximus Heart was the one to break the silence:

“Halt strange creature, you too dragon!” – He broke the line and got in their way.

Oh, come on! You already humillated discount Blueblood on the previous chapter. Can’t you give him a break until the fight proper?



IT LOOKS EVEN WORE ON PAPER!! SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, MY FUCKING EYES!!

IT BURNS US, PRECIOUS! MAKE IT STOP!

*ahem* Now seriously, all that secrecy and “no, I can’t tell you” bullshit just for this? The flag of Guatemala? And speaking about the armor, isn’t there some kind of regulation about it? I mean, look at that thing: he’s almost completely covered! And remember what they explained before, fake weapons don’t deal damage in protected areas. Again, what’s preventing a contestant from covering himself from head to toe and winning by beating the other dude with his fists?

Alex and Spike ignored him and kept walking, Maximus Heart didn’t take his eyes off them and so did the rest of the competitors. He felt his pride was hurt as these two walked past him without even looking at him.

Of course. I’m honestly surprised a flock of birds didn’t suddenly appear to shit on his head at that very moment.

The princesses were waiting for them in the middle of the coliseum. Alex and Spike got to the fighting platform and planted their flags in the ground; they kept walking until they were in front of the princesses. They bowed and smiled at them.

Alex took a microphone out of one of his pockets and turned to the crowd. He cleared his throat, took a deep breath and said:

“KEPT YOU WAITING UH?”

Everypony started to cheer; Fluttershy, Sweetie Bell and Pinkie Pie were jumping on their seats.

Lyra's probably creaming herself at this point.

Princess Luna got next to him and said:

“YOU KEPT US WAITING MY FRIEND. NOW ALLOW ME THE HONOR... WELCOME BACK TO CANTERLOT, ALEX THE HERO!”

“I’m no Hero Princess Luna; I’m just another competitor, nothing less, nothing more.”

“I know my participation on this tournament has been promoted to no end and I entered the stadium separated from all other contestants with a background music of my own choice, but I’m no different from all of you!”

Another cheer was heard from the crowd; Alex turned to them again and said:

“Thank you! My name is Alejandro and I’m here to win this tournament! - He turned to the competitors - I hope to have a fair competition with all of you my friends!”

Most of the competitors nodded. Bright Courage walked out of the group and stopped in front of Alex, they stared at each other and to everyone’s surprise he extended his hand to Alex and said:

“May the best warrior win Alejandro!” – Alex smiled and shook his hand.

“Yes, Mr. Bright Courage, It will be an honor to face you here!”

Why is this guy so interested in Alex from the go? Wouldn’t make it more sense to watch him fight first?



Dashguy was right about this minotaur fellow being the 'honorable warrior' cliche you see so often. Also, what's wrong with his legs?!

Minotaurs are kind of funny designed like that in the show. That aside, is that cretin dual wielding katanas? Does the author know those things are two-handed swords? Does he have the slightest fucking idea how dual-wielding works in real life? Here are some clips from Eskrima, a martial art that specializes in weaponry. Do you see what they all have in common? All the weapons they use are one-handed!

Another cheer was heard from the audience. Alex and Spike proceeded to join the rest of the competitors. Many of them were asking him random questions; some were kept their distance while others were looking at him with fascination or disgust.

---

“I have to admit, he is quite cute. I hope he has experience otherwise I will be more than happy to guide him.”

The author jerks off to griffons. Thanks, I really needed to know that.

---

“You dared to ignore me freak, I will destroy you!”

---

“Please mother of all Zebras, give me the chance to face him, I hope he is strong!”

Listen here, it'll be better for you to not face Alex. That way you have a chance of winning the tournament.

---

After some minutes, the fireworks started. It was an incredible display to announce the beginning of the tournament.

“Well everycreature, the opening ceremony is over. Don’t forget, tomorrow we will have the eliminatory rounds to choose the best eight warriors for the adult and youth sections, have a nice sleep and come back tomorrow.” – Princess Luna said to the audience.

Everycreature proceeded to leave the stadium. Alex and Spike were exhausted, both of them had to answer lots of questions from either fans or the other competitors. While leaving the place, Alex and Spike came across Maximus Heart.

“So you finally decided to show up? - He looked at Alex showing disgust on his face - Uhg! You are really ugly! How can you come out looking like that? I don’t blame you for waiting so long to show your face…”

I swear, we really should replace Maximus' name with Blueblood, because that's all he really is.

Seriously, why kill the guy if you were going to introduce a freaking clone?

Alex didn’t say a thing.

“Cat ate your tongue freak?”

“C’mon Spike, we need to go with our friends.” – Spike nodded and both of them started walking. Once again they ignored him and left him behind. Maximus Heart couldn’t stand it.

“Hey! How you dare to ignore me? Don’t you know who I am?”

“Don’t know, don’t care, I just know you are one of my rivals, one I really, really want to take down; a friend of mine told me the kind of asshole you are, I have nothing to say to the likes of you!”

“I WILL HUMILIATE YOU HUMAN!”

“No! You won’t, as my friend told you yesterday, pray not to face me; I will not forget what you did to my friends! See you later pathetic so-called superstar.”

Wow. They both suck ass at taunting each other.

Alex and Spike kept walking, leaving an angry horse behind; when they got out, they found lots of creatures outside waiting for them. PixelBerry was amongst the crowd and the orphans were with her.

“Can we have your signature? Please…”

It's the orphans again. Because the author has some sort of weird obsession with children.

Alex and Spike knew they wouldn’t go to bed early that night. Some hours later, once they were done signing pictures and answering questions from the fans that gathered in the place, they started their way to the dorm room.

“So tomorrow is the big day, right Alex?”

“Yes my friend. I hope I do fine. I’m sure you will rock in your category.”

“Thanks Alex! I’ll do my best, I promise. I just hope this impresses Rarity”

“I’m sure it will. Who knows, maybe by the end of this tournament you will have your little filly friend with you!”

“Hahahaha! Maybe, I still hope it was Rarity, but as you say, that is in fate’s hands?”

Nearly every story out there that turns Spike into some kind of badass always ends up turning Rarity into his “prize”. Except in cases where the author takes age into account and picks Sweetie Belle instead. Not much of an improvment admittedly.

“Right! Now, let’s go sleep, I’m dead tired.”

“Me too!”

They got to their rooms and said good night. Alex put his head on the pillow and tried to get as comfortable as possible. He closed his eyes and got ready to sleep. While he had a lot of things in mind, one of them was above the rest:

“I will give it all tomorrow!”

I’m amazed at how uninterested I am in this whole tournament bullcrap. I think part of the problem is that 99% percent of the participants are, well, animals and from a small selection of species at that. If they were all humans, it would be easy since you’ve got a fuck ton of martial arts and weapons to choose from. Add special powers/techniques and you’ve got a recipe for success. But here? Let’s examine it in detail.

Earth Ponies, Horses, Zebras and Bisons are practically the same damn thing. They don’t have any fighting styles beyond kicking, headbutting and biting. They can’t wield weapons beyond holding them on their mouths or attaching them to their bodies.

Pegasi can hold more weapons since they don’t need to touch the ground with their hooves, but beyond that remain the same. Unicorns have even more options when it comes to wielding weapons, but there’s not much fun in watching a dude running around while floating shit around him.

Finally, Griffons and Minotaurs are better suited for combat with the whole having thumbs and shit, but since they have the same body types between members of their respective species, there won’t be much variety beyond size and what kind of weapons they wield.

All in all, the tournament is a contrived way to shill Alex by letting him fight in a way that plays to his natural advantages while covering the disadvantages. I imagine this comes as a surprise to absolutely nobody.
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Post #15
MasterOfNintendo


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post Apr 11 2017, 12:47 PM
Personally, I enjoy having the author have some music for me to listen to whenever I read the fic. Except when the quality of said fic is...well, this.

Also, yeah. I agree. All of this is nothing but a huge wank-fest for the self-insert. How to write it better? Well...

-If you're going to put your character in armor covering him head to toe, give some to the other contestants so it's more fair. Or, better yet, at the very least, leave it at a helmet. Or none at all.

-In terms of opponents, the only one I take issue with is, of course, the Blueblood clone. Maybe replace with with a quasi-intelligent beast, like a Nuckelavee. I don't know. Just something more original than what we're presented with.

-The orphans thing is dead in the water already. It would be okay, at first...had the character we're dealing with had a background (as in the first fic) in which everyone worshiped him like the second coming of Primus.

-Overall, change the premise to something else except "Muh skin-suit is dur best at everythang!" It would probably be better if our "hero" was a more scrappy and less-then successful type (maybe a total loser who has to EARN his merits). But it's already too late by this fic.

All in all, what a slag-show. Also, I'm more of a Spike x Apple Bloom fan. It's certainly a break from the norm.


--------------------



The mistakes I see in this this work are to be pointed out so they may not be repeated.
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Post #16
Dashguy


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post Apr 12 2017, 04:33 AM
The author decided to draw a picture of the deceased cousin he mentioned in the previous fic, for this fic. I understand wanting to show respect, but was this really the best way to handle it?



I don’t mind that he made a drawing, but it bothers me he’s displaying it on a site focused on stories about MLP. It reminds me of a Yu-Gi-Oh! GX fanfic I read once that ended with an author’s note dedicating it to “all aborted babies” or something like that.

Which fic was that?

I'm afraid I don't remember. It was a long time ago.

So here we are, the beginning of the Wankfest Tournament arc. Get ready for shitty pictures galore.

Alex and Spike woke up early in the morning; he smiled when he saw his little sister next to him and kissed her on the forehead. He proceeded to take a shower and put on his battle clothes afterwards. He woke up Sweetie bell and carried her to the dining room in order to have breakfast; once there, he found everypony eating, he sat next to Fluttershy who welcomed him warmly.

“What exactly is going to happen today Twilight?”

“Today we have the elimination rounds, you three will be placed in different sections and face your designated opponents, if you manage to win all of your matches, you will advance to the top eight and hopefully the finals. I just hope you and Rainbow dash don’t end in the same block.”

So, like early Dragon Ball tournaments. Thank you for reminding me of something genuinely good I could be watching right now.

“Yeah, me too. What about Spike?”

“Oh, well he will do the same.”

“I see. Well Spike, I hope to see you competing in the finals, just remember to think before attacking. Don’t lose your focus and try to find any weaknesses to exploit.”

“Yes Sir!”

“And don’t forget to smile too!” - Pinkie Pie said.

“Thanks Pinkie, I don’t know if that will help today, but thanks anyway” – Spike replied.

“You’re welcome; and don’t worry, we will be there cheering for you, right girls?”

All of them cheered, except for Lyra, Fluttershy and the Crusaders.

“Girls, If you don’t mind, Lyra the fillies and I will be cheering for Alex, but I promise when his fights are over, all of us will join you.” – Fluttershy said.

Because Alex needs the support of Moe Horse to win his battles. It's a romance thing.

“That’s no problem darling; go cheer for your coltfriend, there’s nothing wrong in that, just try not to distract him too much or he will get nervous. I would not be surprised if he wants to try anything to impress his cute marefriend”

“You’re right Rarity - Alex said - Thanks for being there for me Shy, Lyra and you too little cuties.”

“No problem Alexis, I wouldn’t miss this for anything in the world!”

“Yeah! Me too brother, finally everycreature will see how amazing my big brother really is!”

“Thanks, I’ll do my best. I promise!”

I love how little mention of Rainbow Dash there is. She’s one of the “Mane Six”, has saved the world more than once and is going to participate on the tournament yet gets less attention than motherfucking Spike, the comic sidekick of the show. Not even Scootaloo, her biggest fan, and Fluttershy, one of her closest friends, give a single fuck about her.

After finishing their breakfast, all of them started their way to the Coliseum. Alex was reluctant about going next to Fluttershy, the last thing he wanted was anyone bothering her and asking her questions about him, but she said she didn’t mind and she knew what to expect in exchange for being with the one she loved. He smiled and held her wing with his hand. From above the sky, a griffin who saw them walking together said:

“So he has a marefriend! It doesn’t matter; after I show him my style he will dump her like a soiled sheet!”

This whole fic should be dumped like a soiled sheet.

Whoa there, let’s not get silly, okay? A soiled sheet can be properly washed and used again.

---

Outside the Coliseum, there were at least 20 platforms where the first rounds would be held, Alex kissed her marefriend and sister.

“Ok, Rainbow Dash, Spike and I will go get our gear and make a little warm up, see you in a while girls.” - They nodded and said their farewells. After the three entered the Coliseum, Rainbow Dash turned to Alex and said:

“Wow Alex, she really is into you, I hope you realize that!”

“Of course Rainbow, remember she is my special somepony.”

“I know I know, it’s just, well. You do know I have known Fluttershy since we were kids right?”

Yep. And know you know what Gilda felt when you turned your back to her, bitch.

“I do.”

“Well you see, she is so sweet, too much for her own good sometimes. She trusts ponies, everycreature and I mean everycreature. It made me afraid she would end alone or hurt by somepony who would only want to take advantage of her – Rainbow Dash made a pause and stood in front of Alex, she got close to him and hugged him tight - Thank you Alex, Thank you for being here for her! Please make sure she never suffers, after all she has gone through she deserves happiness.”

“All she has gone through? What happened to her?” - Alex asked.

Good question. Has Fluttershy gone through some shit Dashguy?

Pfft! She was teased about her lack of flying skills by other children when she was little and developed some minor stage fright as a result. Being a spineless little shit, she made a whole deal about it.

“I am sorry, that’s really not my story to tell, please don’t misunderstand me. I know things about her past she would never share with anypony else, I’m very sure some day she will tell you. Until that, please keep supporting her and keeping her out of troubles, remember that you are now a team, if something happens to you it affects her as well.”

“I know and don’t worry, until she decides to tell me or tell all of us about her past, we will not ask, right Spike?”

“Right!”

Yeah, because other kids chanting “Fluttershy, Fluttershy, Fluttershy can hardly fly!” is such a traumatic experience. Fuck off.

The three of them had to take separate ways in order to get their equipment and faker gear ready. Once Alex had his entire equipment, he met with Spike again; they started walking towards the center of the Coliseum through a lonely corridor. Suddenly a female griffin stepped in front of them. She was looking at Alex straight to his eyes, like an eagle looking at its pray.

“Hello, Alex, it’s an honor to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you too. May I know who you are?”

“Of course you may, my name is Tyras but you can call me Ty if you want.”

“Well, nice too meet you Tyras. Now, if you excuse us… - Alex and Spike tried to walk around her, but she got in his way again. – Is there anything I can help you with?” – He asked.

“Yes there is darling. Sorry if I’m a little straight forwarded but that is my style. Let me ask you this, have you ever been with a griffin before?” – Alex was a little surprised about this question. He didn’t want to misinterpret it – “No, not really. In fact, you are the first I’ve ever met!”

“Oh! In that case, you haven’t BEEN with a griffin?”

Alex wasn’t the smartest guy on Earth but even he knew where this conversation was going.

Because sex is the only thing that's on the mind of authors like Alejin.

“. . . . . .No, I haven’t and I’m not planning to. I have a Very Special somepony.” – Alex wanted to make that clear.

“Oh! That’s too bad, but you know, sometimes plans don’t work as desired, I just want you to know I have a lot of free time and that I am feeling lonely. I wouldn’t mind if you came to see me in my room…”

“Well, that’s very kind of you. But please understand it will never happen. Thank you and goodbye.” – Alex walked past her and kept his way towards the center of the Coliseum.

Spike was a little confused about the things she said to Alex -“Wow Alex, you just met her and now she wants to be your friend right away, that’s amazing!

That's the power of an author avatar.

But what was all that about being with a griffin?” – He asked.

“I’ll tell you when you are 16. Now let’s go” – Alex answered.

Alex was stopped by a claw that grabbed his shoulder. It didn’t hurt that much thanks to his armor. He made a quick maneuver to free himself from it and immediately turned around. It was the same griffin; she was looking at him like she wanted to kill him.

“What’s wrong with you human? I am here offering you a chance to be with me, and you reject it! Maybe you just don’t know, but I’m not only a captain of the Royal Griffin Guard I’m also a supermodel in Griffonia.

She's also the long lost daughter of the queen, and one of the richest citizens of Griffonia. Seriously, how convoluted can this shit get?!

You don’t understand, GorillaGamer. She has to be super amazing and super desirable so Alex looks even more awesome and badass when he rejects her in favor of Fluttershy.

Any Griffin, Pony, Minotaur, any creature you may know would give anything to have what I’m offering you. Are you just stupid?!”

“. . . . Lady, you heard me when I told you I have a marefriend right?”

“So what? I’m pretty sure I’m much better than her!”

“Nope, you are not. She is the most perfect creature for me in this world. Please just go, I’m not interested AT ALL!”

Yeah, how dare you drag the name of Moe Horse through the mud!

Fuck Moe Horse; Vinyl Scratch and Octavia are the deal nowadays.

Who?

The white mare with opaque glasses and headphones and the one holding a cello. I bet you've seen them a couple of times. Bronies love those two.

Tyras was really upset. She was unable to contain herself – “Listen to me human, no creature rejects me! No one EVER! I’ve been with every…” – Alex covered her beak with his hand, Tyras shook his hand off - “I got the Idea Tyras. Spike please, I need to talk to her in private. I’ll catch up to you in a moment.”

“Ok Alex. Please don’t take too long” – Spike replied.

“Trust me; I want to finish this conversation as soon as possible! - Once Spike was out of sight he asked her to continue.

“Ok! As you know, you are the only human in this world. So the moment I heard about you, I knew you had to be mine!”

“Is that how you see me? As something you have to posses? ”

“Exactly! But it’s not a bad thing! It’s a win-win situation, I have you in my list and you’ll feel things you’ve never felt before.

On a scale from one to ten, what would you rate Griffin pussy? Personally I'd get turned off by the fact that my balls could get ripped off, mid-coitus.

That and how is she going to give you a BJ with a beak?.

Your marefriend doesn’t even have to know!”

“No thanks, I’m not interested, I love my marefriend very much and I will not betray her!” - Alex started to walk away from her. After two steps, he heard the noise of armor falling on the ground. He turned around and realized Tyras was missing some pieces of her armor. He noticed some of her feathers were scattered all around the corridor. Tyras smiled and said:

“If I were to scream right now, what do you think would anyone think you did? Do you know what would happen to you?”

“You wouldn’t…”

“Yes I would! You see, I always get what I want. Do you think I have never targeted married males before? Of course it wasn’t that hard to convince them, but you, you are something special! I love the ones that are hard to get. Now, here in this dark and silent corridor, you have two options: You either come with me or I’ll have you arrested for trying to rape me. You decide...”

I don't know whether I should laugh at this scenario or not. I guess I'll go with the former...

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


I second that in spanish.

JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA!


“You are wasting your time! The princesses trust me and Applejack is the one and only Element of Honesty, she would know and make it clear to everypony that you are lying!”

“It’s that so? True, ponies may not believe in my words but you really think my king or the other rulers would believe in her? She is also your friend, so she might wanted to get you out of that situation. Trust me; you only have one option left…”

“No, he doesn’t!” – A dragon’s voice came from the entrance to the corridor. Spike, Twilight, Rainbow Dash and King Aguilex were standing there. Tyras looked at them with a horrible expression on her face.

“My king!”

"Tyras, I heard everything!”

“But how did you find us?!”

“This little dragon told us about you having this conversation with the human here.”

How fucking convenient.

Seriously. It cannot be said in any another way.

“Spike, you knew about . . . this stuff?” - Alex asked

“Alex please! I’m almost 13 years old of course I know “some things” about this kind of conversations.”

“I only acted like a dumb child to—uh…look! It’s a dragon!”

Tyras ran towards her king and kneeled before him – “Forgive me my king. I am sorry for everything I said. Please forgive me!”

King Aguilex looked away. He was disgusted of the things Tyras had done.

“You are lucky to be one of my best warriors Tyras. But trying to frame a competitor is a crime. You can stay here and compete but I forbid you from approaching the human anymore. You know what will happen if you disobey any of my orders. AM I CLEAR?!”

“Yes my king!”

“We will discuss this Tyras. I will require your presence in the Royal Tribune once this tournament is over.”

Rainbow Dash got near Tyras – “Ha! In your face! But I’m impressed; you really thought Alex would leave Fluttershy for you? He is not that dumb!”

No, he is not dumb. He is borderline retarded, for choosing to cosplay as an assassin, despite the fact that he hates killing.

“I’m not that dumb? Well, thanks for the help I guess.” – Alex replied.

King Aguilex flew towards the arena, Tyras followed him slowly. Before leaving, she turned to Alex and Rainbow Dash.

“You are both my targets now! I will crush you both in the competition!”

Once she was gone, Twilight hugged Alex.

“Thank you Alex for proving to us that you do love Fluttershy.”

“I do love her and I will never betray her!”

QUOTE
In this case, I predict Griffon chick will attempt to flirt with Alex and fail, followed by making a bet: if he loses, he’s going to join her harem. It won’t work, of course, and the whole thing will double as a way of not only showing how “badass” Alex is, but how much he "loves" Fluttershy.


Eh, close enough.

“Ok guys, now we need to hurry, the first round is about to start and you need to know who will be your opponent!” - Twilight said.

Alex and Rainbow Dash were relieved to find out they weren’t in the same group of competitors so they didn’t have to worry about facing each other until the finals in case they managed to win. Spike was calmed, knowing he would not have to face any of his friends too. Once they knew who their opponents were, they started their way towards the arenas. They also decided to keep the previous incident a secret. All of them wished good luck to each other and got ready to compete.

---

The Coliseum Tournament had begun.

And so begins the wankfest. Grab your raincoats and umbrellas everyone, you're gonna need it.

A referee stood in the center of a platform and said: “Our next match! Alex the human versus Valiant Strength, the Cristal Pony!”

The crowd went wild while both competitors entered the arena. The referee casted the Faker Field spell which scanned both competitors for their Faker armor and weapons. Once the scanning was complete, the referee asked them to approach to the center of the arena.

“As you know, during the elimination rounds there is a three minutes time limit. If you have the same life points once the time runs out, we go into sudden death; in that case the first competitor to take a single life point from the other wins the round. Do you understand?”

“Yes!” – Alex was ready.

“Start!”

Everypony cheered. Alex was a patient man, he had to be careful not to waste any attacks, this Crystal Pony was a trained soldier not a wild creature that would attack by pure instinct, patience was the key; both of them stared at each other. The Crystal Pony was pointing his spear at Alex in a menacing way. The human was waiting for the Pony to make his move. His hidden blades were ready. A drop of sweat went down on Alex’s eyebrow making him blink.

Blinking takes approximately 150 milliseconds, which is faster than the tick sound made by a wall clock, not enough time for a regular Pony to make a move, but this was no regular pony. As soon as Alex closed his eye, the tip of the spear traveled straight to his face. Alex barely dodge it, he realized the pony could move really fast so he jumped backwards and gained his position again.

But the pony had already started his attack and he wasn’t going to stop. He jumped straight to were Alex was standing, attacking him with his spear, Alex dodge every attack and popped his blades. His blades were swinging at the pony from every possible direction. The pony dodged most of the attacks and blocked the ones he was unable to escape from.

This is so intense, my pulse is racing!

On second thought, I better get that checked out...


Does the author even know what a spear is? That shit is specially made to keep the opponent away. A spearman is not going to close in, he’s going to keep a safe distance while aiming for the soft spots. Look at this stuff here. There’s no way this buffon can beat an experienced spearman with those retard blades of his.

Alex saw an opening and went in for a direct hit but Valiant Strength avoided his move and turned around completely, then used his back legs to kick him. The spiked horseshoes scratched Alex’s chest taking eight points from him; Alex jumped backwards again but the pony didn’t stop there. Valiant turned around facing Alex again and threw his spear right to his head making him lean backwards to avoid being hit by it. This was what the pony was planning, he ran towards Alex and as soon as he stood straight again, Valiant hit him with both hooves directly on his chest taking sixty points away from Alex.

So armor doesn’t fully prevent damage, eh? That changes a lot.

Valiant Strength smiled knowing that his plan had worked as he saw Alex clinching his teeth in pain. However, the pony didn’t notice Alex had grabbed both of his front legs with one arm, everything he could see was the shinning tip of the hidden blade flying straight to his neck. Alex hit him so hard he made Valiant Strength flip backwards and land heavily on the ground. His points went down to zero. The Field Spell disappeared.

How considerate of Valiant Strenght to ditch his spear and go for close combat where Alex had the advantage with his short blades.



That picture is an eerie reminder of the picture in the first fic, where Alex jams the flaming arrow into the rogue manticore.

I like how he can hold the entire weight of that pony with just a single arm. Must be his fapping hand.

“And the winner of this match is Alex!”

His friends and fans cheered for him so loud that the whole place trembled. Alex helped Valiant Strength stand up. The pony was still unable to walk on his own.

“You are fast, and you hit me really hard!” – Valiant said.

“You too, I can barely stand the pain my chest.”

Both competitors left the arena. Alex went back to his dressing room to get ready for the next match. He removed his chest piece and saw the bruises caused by the kick – “I know the Faker weapons won’t kill me but I must be careful not being hit like this again. Damn it hurts like hell!”

It took me a while, but I think I finally understand it. Basically, the fake weapons are there to narrow the gap between contestants. For example, a Earth Pony using a spear to reach a Griffon flying above or a Pegasus using a sword to compensate the difference in strenght with a Minotaur.

Of course, that’s only the theory. The actual system is flawed because, as I’ve pointed out the first time, it takes pain out of the equation. In real life, a cut on the other guy’s bicep can rend his arm useless and give you an important advantage. Here? He loses about twenty HP. Imagine trying to fight a guy the size of Hulk Hogan in his prime with a knife that cannot wound him or make him feel pain. How long do you think you could keep moving and dodging before he puts a hand on you and supplexes the fuck out of your ass?


---

His next opponent was a bison. Its entire body was covered in armor; this made things very tricky, there wasn’t any opening for Alex to try to stab the bison with his blades.

The eyes, son.

As soon as the match started, the bison charged towards Alex trying to tackle him but the human stepped aside. The bison tried the same thing again knowing that a single blow would finish Alex off. Alex was familiar with this kind of attacks because of his experience with Manticores.

Nevermind one is a predator and the other a prey; every creature on this world has to fight in the same way so this dumbass can beat them.

After failing for a third time, the bison changed its tactic; it stood up on its hind legs showing the spikes covering every inch of his armor. Alex was surprised that a bison could stand up like that. Suddenly, the bison jumped high on the air trying to land on top of Alex who was caught by surprise. The human barely dodged this attack by rolling forward. At the end of the roll, he stood up and turned around only to notice the bison flying through the air again, Alex rolled to his right but the bison didn’t give him time to stand up as it jumped towards him again. Alex was getting tired just by dodging the attacks; he didn’t even have time to think of a strategy to end this battle. The bison jumped again, it was shocking to see this heavy creature being able to jump this high. Alex had to use all of the strength in his legs in order to avoid the attack, but this time he wanted to look for a chance to counter-attack, Alex did a 360 dive roll and landed on the ground. The bison laughed after noticing how Alex had used all of his energy to make that move, it jumped for a last time – “This is it!” – Alex said as he let himself fall flat on his back, the crowd stood up; the bison was noticed Alex didn’t dodge his attack and closed his eyes waiting to feel his weight crushing the human under it.

And it did.

The bison fell heavily on top of Alex; the crow went silent as Alex’s life counter started to quickly go down. But it wasn’t the only counter going from a hundred to zero. Alex’s counter stopped at three but the bison’s didn’t stop there. The Faker Barrier disappeared as its points reached zero and immediately a group of medic ponies went into the arena, they used their magic to lift the bison and noticed Alex’s hands grabbing it from its neck as well as the Faker hidden blades stabbing the bison under its chin.

A 2,000 lbs bison, fully covered on metal plates, falling on top of Alex from a great height cannot lower his HP to zero, or shatter his ribcage into small pieces, but Alex stabbing the animal with his puny knives on its thick-muscled, fur-covered neck can do. Sure.



Is that bison a goddamn luchador?!

“Trying to run over him or gore him with my horns? No, no; I better do something completely impractical that also gives him the opportunity to counerattack! Yes sir!”

When Alex did the 360 dive roll to dodge the attack he was able to notice an unprotected spot under the bison’s head while rolling on the air. He decided to take a risk by being crushed under the bison’s heavy body which helped his hidden blades reach further into its neck and head. The risk paid off.

The crowd went wild as the referee announced Alex as the winner of this match. Alex was carried to his dressing room by the medic ponies who gave him some medicine for him to heal and be ready for his next fight.

Since there were many competitors, Alex had a couple of hours to rest. The medicine given to him by the ponies was really effective as the pain he felt from being crushed by the bison was going away.

The rest of his matches were exciting. Using his martial arts training, he managed to beat an Earth Pony, another Crystal Pony and a Pegasus who was using a weapon Alex called wing blades, it consisted of blades being attached to the tip of the feathers on the Pegasus wings.

He defeated all three opponents with just his retard blades? Why aren’t they mass producing that shit?

Because that would take away what makes Alex special, and we can't have that.

Alex had to be careful in case he had to face Rainbow Dash as she could use these weapons too. It was time for him to compete in his last elimination match and go into the top 8. This time his opponent was a Griffin that was somehow familiar to him.

“So you were the one who got my sister into trouble right?”

“Excuse me…”

“I’m Tyros, twin brother of Tyras”

I forgot wannabe Gilda had a twin brother. The more you know...

“Well, I didn’t get her into trouble. She got what she deserved.”

“I know, but still she is my family, sorry but you have to go down. Nothing personal.”

“No problem, now let’s fight!”

Tyros didn’t want to waste time in useless attacks, he immediately stood on his hind legs and drew both of his swords, Alex drew his Katanas, this time the hidden blades were useless. Everycreature was silent; this was a match the crowd expected to see during the finals. Both of them proceeded to attack each other, clashing their blades. After some time, they both backed off.

“You are good human, and I must say I like your style.”

“Thanks! You are an expert too. Now let’s finish this!”

Tyros started to fly as high as the Force Field allowed him to. Alex knew what was coming because during his last fight with the Pegasus, she made something similar, Tyros charged with both wings fully extended revealing the wing blades too, his swords were pointing to the front like a dart. Alex jumped to the left but didn’t count on the Griffin wings being so much larger than a pony’s, Tyros swinged his left sword which hit Alex’s shoulder taking 25 of his points. Alex rolled backwards and stood up in a guarding position. Tyros repeated his attack, this time Alex jumped further to the right but Tyros noticed and was able to extend his wings a little missing Alex’s throat by a couple of inches. But Tyros was no beginner, he rolled to his right while still flying and swinged his right sword towards Alex who managed to block the attack with his Katanas but the impact caused by Tyros’ speed was so strong that sent him flying through the air. Alex felt on the floor, his back hurt like a bitch but he didn’t lose any points. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was cornered. No matter where he jumped, left or right, Tyros’ speed and technique were almost perfect.

You gotta be fucking kidding me. Do you see this, GorillaGamer? Griffon dude fights by charging forward, just like Bison dude and the Manticore before that! It’s like they have a script to follow when they fight Alex.



Dashguy has already mentioned this earlier, but having sword blades clash against each other is a great way to break them.

And while we’re at it, katanas are two-handed swords for a reason: they’re too long and heavy to be used like that effectively.

“Human, you gave a good match, and it was really fun, but I have to win now. I’m really sorry; please cheer for me in the finals!”

Tyros made his last attack, he was prepared for everything, no matter where Alex jumped, left or right the human was done for. Tyros’ speed had no match. Alex waited until the very last moment and got ready to jump. Tyros extended his swords to both sides. He didn’t see it coming, no creature saw it coming.

This time, Alex didn’t jump to the sides; he jumped upwards like a tiger jumping on his prey. Tyros wasn’t expecting this, when he was flying right under Alex, the human stabbed both of his Katanas on his back taking seventy five of his points. This move threw Tyros out of balance so he couldn’t stop and crashed against the barrier at full speed. He went unconscious; Alex stood up and walked towards Tyros who was lying on the ground. He used his hidden blades to finish him off. Victory was his.



I guess Tyros is shocked at how small Alex's penis is.

Somehow, it’s not the fact he managed to jump that high while wearing all that shit what bothers me, but how he changed the grip of both swords, from normal to reverse before striking Griffon dude.

Everycreature started chanting Alex’s name; he extended his arms as a sign of victory. He had done it; he advanced to the top 8. His friends got into the arena and Fluttershy hugged him – “Oh Sweet Celestia you did it Alex, I knew you could do it, I’m so proud of you!”

Lyra and the Crusaders joined hugged him too.

“You are amazing Alexis, keep doing this and you will surely win this tournament!”

“Thanks Lyra, but let’s wait until it ends.”

“Brother! You are so cool! Thanks for the show, it was so much fun!”

“Yeah Alex bro, now you will go to the finals. I can imagine you facing Rainbow Dash! I have to get a camera!”

“Yeah, you were great Alex, I can’t wait for the next matches!!”

“Thanks little cuties, I’m starting to believe I can win this.”

You think you can win this? Bitch, we all know that you are going to win the damn tournament.

At this point, the only question is how idiotic is winning tactic will be.

They all laughed and kept hugging without paying attention to the audience. The medic ponies took Tyros with them and the referee announced the winner of the match.

“We have the winner and one of the top eight competitors!”

---

Alex and his friends wanted to see Spike and Rainbow Dash matches. They found Rainbow Dash on their way, she told them how she won the last match and got to the top eight. They finally arrived to where Spike was fighting, he wasn’t having any troubles. His last opponent was a unicorn colt, a little older than the crusaders. He was attacking spike with a little sword and shield. Spike was blocking every attack with his Katanas and then in a quick move, he used his strength to send his Katana flying through the air and hitting his opponent in the chest taking the rest of his points.

THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS! THAT’S NOT HOW ANY OF THIS WORKS! HAVE YOU EVER HELD ANYTHING RESEMBLING A FUCKING SWORD IN YOUR HAIRY HANDS, ALEJIN, YOU FUCKING SIMIAN OAF?



Notice how Alex struggled in all his matches, while Spike has barely broken a sweat? Just goes to show who the real champion is.

I’m going to add “sword & shield” to the list of weapons the author doesn’t know a fuck about.

“The winner of this match, and now advancing to the top eight of the youths tournament, Spike the dragon!”

“Yes! I did it!”

Alex immediately stepped in the platform and hugged Spike. The rest of the group joined them.

“I’m so proud of you Spike!”

“Thanks Twilight!”

“I must say, you were great Spikey Wikey”

“Thanks Rarity, it’s all thanks to you guys, please keep cheering for me!”

Is anybody going to cheer for Rainbow Dash? Just asking.

“Of course sugarcube, now come, yah will need your strength back when the top eight starts in a couple of hours!”

Spike, Alex and Rainbow Dash left their gear in the Dressing Rooms on the Coliseum. The group started their way back to the Royal Castle. Once in there, the Princesses congratulated the winners.

“You all make Equestria very proud!”

“Thank you very much Princess Celestia, it’s an honor to represent your kingdom!” – Alex said.

“My little human, don’t forget you are part of my kingdom now.”

Wait, since when the hell was Alex a citizen of the Crystal Kingdom?!

“You three are amazing!” - Princess Cadence said

“Thanks Cadence, I saw it coming from Rainbow and Spike, but I still can’t believe I managed to advance to the top eight!”

“And who knows maybe we will get to fight each other Alex, no hard feelings when I beat you right?” – Rainbow Dash said.

After having their lunch, each of them went to their room to rest before Spike’s top eight matches. While on their way, Alex said:

“Ok girls, Spike and I will go to the Coliseum very early; he needs to warm up a little. I will be coaching him today.”

“No peeking!”

They all agreed.

Alex turned to Spike and put his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“Spike, this is it! Are you ready to win this?!”

“Yes Alex I am. Let’s do it!”

I apologize for the lack of comments, but those fights were so goddamn boring!

I'm going to watch Enter the Dragon to wipe the bad taste from my brain.
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Post #17
MasterOfNintendo


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post Apr 12 2017, 12:41 PM
DEAR PRIMUS ON HIS CYBERNETIC THRONE, THIS ARTWORK!

You know, it's funny. I used to draw with colored pencils and you can see the unholy results still on my Deviantart page. However, unlike this mess, I've resolved to re-do that slag digitally. I probably didn't have it as bad as this guy, though, considering I drew humans once every full moon rose on Friday the 13th and the planets aligned. Basically, this guy's doing a whole lot and not considering that maybe...MAYBE he's not ready to draw such scenes yet until he gets some lessons. He's also probably not even old enough to have his own bank account, so other artists are most likely spared to do any of his commissions.

Also, the part that really got to me was not just the carbon copy of Blueblood, but now the tacked-on effort to make Alex and Fluttershy's (I refuse to call her Moe-Horse because there can be so much better stories done about her that don't have anything to do with her waifu status) romance all the more sweeter. I wouldn't mind, I guess (key word: GUESS), but making that whole teasing thing that she got over episodes ago a traumatic experience? There's bad writing and then there's this.

Also, if I were to make that whole "we're not mass-producing those blades" thing make sense, again, some changes to the first fic would have to come. Like say, the Equestrians, using materials that involved the blades, create their own new weapons to further their society. But nope. Special snowflake slagfest time.

Still. I don't have the heart to hate the author. He's not a whiny asshat (as far as I've seen) and cares much about his family, especially those that passed away. Granted, they're being immortalized into this slagheap, but it's the thought that counts.


--------------------



The mistakes I see in this this work are to be pointed out so they may not be repeated.
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Post #18
Dashguy


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post Apr 22 2017, 06:06 PM
I'm back with another picture at the beginning, only this time it shows how Alex has developed over the year. I say year, because Alex drew this to celebrate his first anniversary. He also shills that adopt a human story I told you about a while ago.



If there's one thing that's grown over the year, it's gotta be his mutant sideburns.

How come the second one looks worse than the first? I mean, the first has that claw-like left hand, sure, but the second’s body looks like it’s entirely made of play-doh.

Spike was warming up inside his room while Alex gave him some advises for his next fight. The dragon was focusing on one goal:

Take that trophy with him.

Please. We all know the trophy is just a means to get some sweet unicorn ass.

“That’s great Spike! Keep it up. Ten more pushups and we are done!”

“…Ok…”

Spike completed the exercises and was feeling more than ready to compete. He put his entire gear on and left his room accompanied by Alex.

“Spike, I’m just going to check if the girls have already arrived and then will come back with you, ok?”

“Ok, please make sure to be on time.”

“No problem Spike. I’ll be right back!”

One thing I’ve noticed is that Spike in both, this story and the previous one is basically an extension of the character of Alex. He likes the same things as him, thinks and fights like him, and every time he does something worthy of mentioning, some of the praise will invariably go towards Alex, who trained him.

After Alex left, Spike decided to check on the rest of the finalists. He walked towards the side of the arena were the final matches would take place and found them there; the other eight competitors were already waiting for the matches to start. The group consisted of three Minotaurs, one Unicorn, a Horse, a Zebra and a Griffin. They all turned around to see Spike after noticing he was walking towards them.

“So you are the dragon who made it to the finals?!” – The Unicorn asked.

“Well, yeah! Here I am.”

The Griffin stood next to Spike – “Your armor looks cool! I hope you are as good as everypony says!”

It seems like Spike has picked up on Alex's skills on how to get your dick sucked by everyone.

“I believe I am. Not to sound arrogant but I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.” – Spike replied.

There was one Minotaur that wasn’t impressed by the little Dragon. After hearing all of the others ask Spike random questions regarding his armor, weapons and training, he approached Spike and asked:

“Why are you guys so impressed? He is just a simple little dragon who was trained by some kind of freak!”

The other competitors went silent after hearing this. All of them noticed the tone of voice he used to say these words. Spike knew that not all the competitors would be nice to him, especially after meeting Maximus Heart. He got a little upset not because the Minotaur called him “little Dragon” as if he was a joke, but because the Minotaur insulted Alex by calling him a freak.

And Spike gets his own version of dollar-store Blueblood. Great...

Aaaand, of course he doesn’t mind the guy calling him names, but don’t you dare insult Alex.

“… And who are you supposed to be? The funny guy who thinks he is invincible or just a simple jerk?” – Spike asked.

The Minotaur was furious. He was more than pissed off after hearing the other six finalists laughing so hard at him.

Seriously? Even in a world where you control everything the characters say and do, you can’t write a half decent comeback, Alejin?

“You better watch your mouth Dragon! Don’t you know who I am?”

“No, I don’t know who you are and being honest I really don’t care.”

Because doing some investigation before the tournament, trying to find out who the strongest contenders are and what kind of fighting styles they use is for the weak and slimy.

No one was laughing this time. Everypony could feel the tension between them. The Minotaur got closer to Spike and said:

“I am Platinum Guts, the grandson of Bright Courage! And I will be the winner of this tournament. If you think you can talk to me like that, you better make sure that you and your stupid human friend…” – The Minotaur was interrupted after feeling the cold tip of Spike’s hidden blade on his throat. He jumped backwards to escape from the dragon’s weapon.



Is Spike actually threatening this buffoon with his retard blade?! Talk about following in your masters footsteps, that shit could get him disqualified.

This picture is so fucking stupid I don’t know if I should laugh my ass off or slap my forehead until my skull caves in. Let’s begin with the obvious: even if I folded the sheet to close the distance between these two, Spike’s blade would be nowhere near the other guy’s throat. Second, who the hell thinks this is anything remotely badass? Look at Spike: his head is a motherfucking balloon, his arm is half the length of the other guy’s and his retard blade looks like a freaking sewing needle. Fuck, in my mind, I’m picturing the minotaur dude holding Spike’s balloon head with his extended arm while Spike keeps slashing to no avail since his arms are too short.

Now, on a more serious note, Fimfiction is filled with stories that try to portrait Spike as a total badass and they all have two things in common. One, they suck donkey dick. Two, they all age up Spike one way or another while giving him the body of Lou Ferrigno at his prime. Why? Because baby Spike is not a badass; he’s the fucking comic relief and occasional sarcastic companion.


“Don’t you ever insult Alex again or I will leave a scar on that neck of yours! You got me?” - The look on Spike’s eyes was cold. - “Alex trained me so I could protect my friends against anyone, I didn’t start training after hearing of this tournament so every technique I know was meant to be lethal. You might be Bright Courage’s grandson, but I can guarantee you have never faced anyone like me and for sure your grandfather has never faced an opponent like Alex.”

This reminds me of those fake martial artists who boast about their techniques but cannot show them because they’re all dangerous and potentially lethal. Or, if you feel charitable, a guy on his second Krav Maga class who already feels like a total badass because he learned a cut to the carotid artery is serious shit.

The Minotaur drew one of his weapons too.

“Whatever! You better pray not to face me at the tournament because if you do, I will make you suffer!” – Platinum Guts put his weapon back in its sheath – “And make sure to include your friend in your prayers too because he will pay for what you said in case he is unlucky enough to face my grandfather in the arena.”

The Minotaur turned around and walked away while the rest of the group surrounded Spike, the Unicorn stood in front of him and said:

“That was amazing Spike! You are so brave! This is the way a Dragon should always be! That’s why I like them so much!”

“Do you like Dragons!?” – Spike asked.

“Yeah! Dragons have always amazed me. They are so cool! And now here I am talking to one. This is amazing!”

“Thank you! And what’s your name?”

“My name is Aura Breeze, I’m from Manehattan!” – She answered.

And we have who I assume is another of Alejin's OCs.

Yep. As always, they come in one of two flavors: antagonistic asshole or enthusiastic fan.

“Nice to meet you Aura! – The rest of the competitors walked away – It is awesome to see a Unicorn compete in the finals. How did you learn to fight?”

“My daddy is a Royal Guard so he trained me since I was four. It’s my dream to become the first Royal Guard mare in all of Equestria; I know my dream will come true after winning this tournament! There is no way they will reject me if I show them I can win this thing at this age!”

Spike was so impressed after hearing her words. Her optimism and determination were unique. She was right, he hadn’t heard of any Royal Guard mares in Equestria at all.

Dashguy, is what Aura Breeze saying about female Royal Guards true?

All the Royal Guards in the show so far have been stallions. On the other hand, there are no indications that only stallions can become Royal Guards.

“Aura, you are amazing!” – Spike had to admit he liked her attitude. He knew she was beautiful too, but he wasn’t going to say that.

“Thanks Spike!” – She said while looking at Spike directly into his eyes making him nervous - “Ok, I must go now! I… I have to do something. Well, good luck in the tournament. See you there Aura!”

“Good luck to you too! Bye.”

---

Alex got back into the coliseum after a couple of minutes and met with Spike.

“Hey Spike! The girls have already arrived and they are in their seats. They are so excited to see you compete!”

“G… Great. Thanks!”

“Is there anything wrong? You look nervous. Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I am ok! It’s just because my match is about to start.”

The human was going to say something, but the announcement of the final matches started:

“Finalists, it’s time for you and your coaches to come to the center of the Arena!”

There were thousands of fans inside the Coliseum, all of them were cheering for their favorite participant. The sound of the audience made the whole place tremble as the competitors and their coaches walked towards the center of the arena.

This arena was not a regular one; it had a diameter of 40 meters and was full of big and small rocks. These rocks offered the competitors perfect hiding and tactical places for them to compete. Spike was planning his strategy as he was walking past these rocks.

Off topic, but I decided to give that Fantasy War Tactics game another try. The developers have fixed a lot of the issues I had with it earlier, so it is now a safe recommendation. Fanbase still sucks though...

While we're at it, I want to get myself a copy of Shin Megami Tensei IV, but nowhere I visit has it. Damn.

The competitors arrived at the center of the Arena, where the princesses were waiting for them. Princess Twilight welcomed them with a big smile using her magic to levitate a golden box in front of them and said:

“Please take a paper from this box. Each paper has a number that will be assigned to the finalist that picks it. You will read it aloud so everypony knows which number you got!” – The princess walked towards Spike – “Please, take one…”

The Dragon put his claw inside the box and took his number.

“I got the number 2!”

The referee wrote Spike’s number as the number 2 in the board.

Fitting. This whole story reeks of a number 2...

I see the author keeps taking stuff from Dragon Ball.

“Spike, you will be the first one to fight! Now, let the rest of the competitors grab their pieces of paper.” – Twilight moved to her right and stopped in front of another finalist – “Platinum Guts please take one!”

The Minotaur put his hand inside the box and took his piece of paper. He unfolded it in order to read it. Everypony in the place was waiting for him to read his number.

“…I got number 6!” – He said while clinching his teeth.

Easy Glider, the Griffin was next.

“I got number 4”

Twilight kept walking towards the other competitors.

“Aura Breeze, please take one.”

The little Unicorn took a piece of paper from the box – “I hope I get a good one!” – She said with a smile on her face. She unfolded the piece of paper and looked at the number; there was a sad look on her face afterwards.

“Little filly, what number did you get?” – The princess asked.

She looked at Twilight who noticed the sadness in her eyes.

“I got . . . number 1!”

Spike was shocked, he could not believe his first opponent was the filly he just met; it looked like some kind of joke.

More like a contrived coincidence.

What a tragic twist of fate! Is what I would say if I gave a fuck about the whole thing.

Aura Breeze got next to him while the next competitors were given the rest of the numbers – “It’s you and I then, let’s do our best Spike!” – Spike smiled at her and replied – “Ok Aura, let’s do our best” – The Unicorn got closer to him and whispered in his ear – “If you don’t take me seriously, I will never forgive you!” – Her words made him sad because he didn’t want to be the one facing her, he didn’t want to be one putting an end to her dream – “I promise I will fight with everything I have!”

We all know Spike will win, but let me take a guess. Either everybody will be so impressed with Aura’s performance that they will accept her into the Royal Guard or Spike will put a word of recommendation and get her immediately accepted.

Once every competitor had their respective numbers assigned, they walked outside the Arena in order to wait for their corresponding matches to start.

Princess Twilight stood in the middle of the battle field again:

“It’s my honor to announce the start of the Coliseum Tournament finals for the younger competitors division. I know they will give us great matches. Competitors please be advised of the following: there is no time limit on this matches, the only way to win is to reduce the opponents points to zero. Additionally, the victory can be achieved by making the opponent surrender. Please take these things into consideration to adjust your strategies.” – The eight finalists nodded – “Competitors, the final matches start, NOW!”

The crowd went wild as they heard these words. The place was full of fans from all over the world.

The referee stood in the middle of the Arena.

“The first ones to fight are both representing Equestria. Spike the Dragon and Aura Breeze the Unicorn! Competitors, please step into the Arena.”

Spike and Aura walked to the center of the Arena, Alex and Aura’s coach were standing inside the borders, ready to support and give instructions to their respective fighters. The Dragon was wielding his Katanas, hidden blades, knives. a short bow and arrows were part of his arsenal. Aura was covered in golden armor; this armor had some sort of mechanisms on each side – “I wonder what those things are…” – Spike said to himself.

Sounds like it's going to be stupid.

The fuck? A pair of katanas, hidden blades, knives and bow and arrow? Why in the everyloving fuck do you need so many things for? Hell, where do you even get to carry all that shit when you’re covered in armor from head to toe?

Aura’s helmet had spikes all over; it was perfect for charging against the opponent.

Both competitors stood in front of each other.

“I’m glad you are my opponent Spike. Being honest, I wanted so badly to fight against you. I will do my best to win this but if I lose, I’ll have the honor to lose to a Dragon!” – Spike felt honored - “Thanks Aura, It’s a real honor to face you!”

The referee gave the order to activate Faker Barrier; the spell scanned them both for their respective Faker weapons except for Alex and Aura’s coach. Once the scanning was complete, the number 100 appeared over Spike and Aura’s head.

The referee turned to Spike – “Are you ready?” – The Dragon nodded – “Aura, are you ready?” – “I am” – She answered.

“Begin!”

Aura threw a little round object between Spike and her which exploded in less than a second. The place was immediately covered in a dense fog – Damn it! A smoke bomb!” – Spike said. He drew his Katanas and charged forward right to were Aura was standing a second ago. With a quick move, he managed to dissipate some of the smoke, but to Aura wasn’t standing there anymore.

“I didn’t expect her to start the fight in that way! I must be careful.”

Spike turned around thinking Aura would attack him from behind, using what was left of the smoke to cover her moves but he was wrong. An arrow flew through the air, hitting Spike on his right knee. Even though it wasn’t a “real” arrow, it still pierced his armor. The numbers floating over his head went from one hundred to eighty in an instant.

“I have to be careful; she is attacking me from a distance.”

Another arrow flew straight towards him but this time he was able to dodge it. After the smoke was dissipating and Spike was able to see the whole Arena again. He managed to see Aura aiming a crossbow at him and shooting a third arrow – “Where did he get that? – He asked himself.

It’s like the Deadliest Warrior. Only gay.

Spike put his Katanas back in their place and drew his short bow aiming towards Aura, but she wasn’t there anymore. Spike felt another arrow piercing the armor on his back taking thirty points off from him. He jumped as far as he could in order to take cover under a rock. He sat down and closed his eyes to try to calm down and focus until he could listen to Aura moving. Long ago, Alex found that the Dragons posses very accurate senses, that is why is almost impossible to steal a dragon’s treasure since they are able to hear when someone is coming towards their lair from miles away.

Ass pull. Got it.

Spike kept his eyes closed; finally, he was able to hear Aura moving across the Arena, she hid behind a rock and pulled another smoke bomb out. Her plan was simple, keep herself covered by the smoke. Spike was able to hear her movements; he readied his short bow and started running towards her, Aura saw the Dragon coming where she was and realized he was going for a direct attack, she threw the smoke bomb at him but Spike was ready, he shot his arrow which made contact with the smoke bomb making it explode at a few inches from Aura’s face, the explosion made her close her eyes and breath a high amount of the smoke which made her cough and lower her guard for a second.

Spike threw his short bow away and drew his Katanas, Aura opened her eyes and saw him coming towards her as she readied her crossbow but it was too late, Spike was faster and with a swift movement he cut her weapon in half. It all happened in less than a second, Spike turned around and hit Aura’s face with his tail and then with his foot, it was some sort of round house kick that sent her flying through the air.

I’m definitely picturing that balloon headed midget launching a roundhouse kick. Yes, sir.

Aura landed on her back but jumped back on her hoofs as soon as she hit the ground. The counter over her head lost twenty five points. Aura could still feel the pain from Spike’s tail and the kick to his face. She was hurt but happy at the same time because Spike kept his promise and was using everything he had to fight against her – “He is a great fighter, but I am a warrior!”

Spike saw her drawing her spear and pointing at him. Aura attacked him with quick movements but the Dragon was too fast, she couldn’t land any of them; knowing that Spike was too god at close combat, she jumped backwards and threw her spear in order to gain a better position. Spike saw the spear coming towards him and cut it with his Katanas.

A SPEAR IS A WEAPON ESPECIALLY MADE TO KEEP A LONG DISTANCE, YOU DUMB FUCK! WHY THE FUCK DID YOU THROW IT? DOES THE AUTHOR KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT WEAPONS BEYOND FUCKING VIDEO GAMES?

The Unicorn landed at least fifteen meters away from Spike. He smiled after noticing she didn’t have any weapons left.

“I see now how good you are Spike. Being honest, none of my previous opponents were able to avoid my arrows or my spear attacks. Now, let’s see if you can avoid my Spin Attack!”



Can we add armor to the list of thins Alejin knows jackshit about?

Before that, can you tell me where the hell was that filly holding the spear, crossbow and smoke bombs, GorillaGamer?

“Spin attack? - Spike didn’t understand what she meant, but he wasn’t going to let himself get caught by surprise. Aura adopted a crouching position. Spike stood still, he was waiting for her to make her move so he could react accordingly. The mechanisms on Aura’s armor started to move and her armor began to change. After a few seconds, she was covered in long razors from head to hooves. Aura smiled after seeing his opponent standing there in front of her.

“Now!” – Aura said out loud. She ran towards Spike and began to spin like a giant shuriken. Spike was barely able to dodge her attack by jumping to his right; she seemed to have become faster after her armor changed.

“That will not work!” Aura shouted as she used her leg to change her direction towards the place Spike would land. He was shocked, there was no way he could dodge this attack while in midair. Aura was getting closer; Spike had to use his Katanas in order to block the attack. The speed and force she used on this attack was unparalleled. As soon as the Katanas made contact with her razor-armor, Spike was sent flying and crashed against the Faker barrier. Twenty points were deducted from his counter. He stood up and was able to see Aura stopping; she looked a little dizzy, maybe from changing her direction that fast.

FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! FUCK YOU! THE MANTICORES USED CHARGING ATTACKS! THE FIRST STALLION USED CHARGING ATTACKS, THE BISON USED CHARGING ATTACKS, THE GRIFFON USED CHARGING ATTACKS AND NOW THIS LITTLE SHIT USES CHARGING ATTACKS! EVERYBODY USES FUCKING CHARGING ATTACKS!



Who the fuck does she think she is, Crash Bandicoot?!

I can’t believe how utterly stupid this looks. At least do it in a Miltank Roll Out-esque fashion.

Spike stood up and got ready for a counter attack as Aura started spinning again – “I can tell she is moving faster this time” –Aura flew directly at him at an immense speed. Spike jumped towards her and attacked with his Katanas which were shattered to pieces after making contact with Aura’s armor. However, the strength Spike used on his attack was enough to send her flying to a different direction. Luckily for Aura, she managed to stop before hitting a rock. Spike’s arms were hurting like hell, both of his Katanas were broken – “I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this again. Damn it, that attack is really strong!” – He turned around and saw Aura, standing next to the rock she was about to collide against – “She looks dizzier this time.”

The Dragon was right, Aura wasn’t looking any good. Maybe it was the speed at which she had to spin or the strength she was using on her attack but it was obvious that she could only use her technique one more time.

“It seems you are the one with no weapons left Spike!” – Aura yelled – “All I have to do is use my attack ONE MORE TIME and this fight will be over!”

Go ahead and confirm his theory, will you? Ever motherfucking Dragon Ball mocked this shit with Goku getting dizzy after attempting this crap once and giving his opponent a free strike.

A cloud of dust was created under her as she started spinning for a final attack. None of the weapons on Spike’s arsenal could stop her – “Sweet Celestia, if I could only… wait!” – Spike remembered the way Alex ended his fight against Tyros the griffin – “That’s it!”

Yeah, how fucking convenient everybody fights in the same fucking way.

The speed Aura reached this time was incredible, she was going all out on her last attack – “Spike, you were great, really great! Nopony has been able to dodge my Spin Attack, but you managed to do it twice. However, this will be the last one; it was fun while it lasted. I really want you to sit in the front row on my next match. Thank you Spike!”

Nice to see that Alex isn't the only one who dishes out fake compliments.

The Dragon started walking towards the center of the Arena – “Is that the place that you chose for your defeat?

Spike stopped in the right in the middle – “Come and get me Aura!” – He yelled at her opponent. Aura smiled – “As you wish!”

The Unicorn flew straight to Spike at full speed - “Nice fight Spike!” - She shouted while she flying through the air. Everypony knew it was the end, everypony but Alex he knew Spike had planned something and Aura fell for it. Before being hit by Aura’s razor armor, Spike let himself fall flat on the ground letting Aura fly right above him and using his tail as a spring he kicked her on her stomach with both legs. The kick was so strong it made her fly directly to a rock that was behind them. Aura couldn’t stop or change direction because of how fast she was flying this time.

A moronic technique gets a moronic counter. Points for consistency, I guess.

She crashed against the rock shattering it to pieces. Spike stood up and turned around to get ready for his next move but his ankles were hurt – “There’s no time to rest!” – He said to himself as he noticed Aura standing up among the debris – “Damn it, she is tough!”

“That was really unexpected” – Aura said while smiling – “I thought… I thou… I…” – Aura’s life counter dropped to zero as the fell knocked out on the floor.

“THE WINNER, SPIKE THE DRAGON!”

The crowd was silent, this was an amazing fight and both competitors gave everything. Alex was the one to break the silence:

“WAY TO GO SPIKE! YOU DID IT!”

The whole crowd stood up from their seats and applauded. They were chanting Spike’s name. Aura started to regain consciousness; Spike noticed it and ran to her in order to help her stand up.

“Are you ok?”

“Yes, a little hurt but I am fine. I can’t believe you found a way to counter my best move. I’ll definitely have to work harder to fix that.”

She stood up completely and hugged Spike – Thank you for giving me the honor to fight against you!” – She extended her hoof and gave him a little piece of paper – “Write me something when this is all over…”

So Spike now has someone whom he can get a bootycall from. I don't know how to feel abut that.

At least she’s around his age. I think.

Spike looked like a statue, before he could say anything Aura trotted away. He turned around and saw Alex walking to where he was – “Wow! What was that all about?! Hehe! I bet she gave you her address for you to send her a letter, didn’t she?” – Spike had a smile on his face.

“Come on Spike! Let’s go back to the dressing room. You need to get ready for your next fight.”

“Sure Alex, I’ll catch you up in a second.”

“Ok, but don’t take too long. We have to get you new weapons and armor!”

Spike took the piece of paper out of his pocket and unfolded it. Aura’s address was written on it.

“Aura Breeze… this could be something good.”

Yup! Now you will have somebody who will suck your dick if the whole thing with Rarity doesn’t work.
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Post #19
Dashguy


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post Apr 27 2017, 05:17 PM
In this chapter, we get to see the rest of Spike's battles. Would there be anymore charging? Let's find out.

Alex and Spike left the Faker room; he was carrying Spike’s real weapons while Spike had his Faker weapons with him. They walked towards the arena to watch the rest of the matches and try to learn more about their fighting styles; this added another level of competition since the ones fighting new that they couldn’t use the same techniques over and over again.

Charging with hooves, charging with horns, charging with swords and with spikes around your body. There are so many different fighting styles!

The next three winners were two Minotaurs, Platinum Guts and Proud Fist as well as Easy Glider, the Griffin who would be competing against Spike on her next match.



That's not a griffin, that's a fucking chicken nugget!

Seriously, you could probably snuggle her into submission.

Once her match was over, Easy Glider flew towards Spike and landed next to him:

“So it seems you are my next opponent? Well, after watching your previous fight I must admit you are quite good. We’ll see if you are good enough to beat me!”

“I am that good.” – Spike was very confident – “I like your attitude!” – She replied.

After a couple of hours, both competitors were called out to the arena, Spike knew he had to be more careful, this Griffin had already seen him in action, there were some things he was aware of: she was very fast and she liked to attack from the air using her arrows or charging towards her opponents at full speed

Just like everyone else in this godforsaken tournament.

with her razor-wings or weapons like every other Griffin or Pegasus. That kind of attacks seemed very simple yet effective. Spike couldn’t stop thinking about his previous opponent, Aura.

I was going to mention griffin chick has the same fighting strategy than the filly on the previous chapter, but thanks for doing it for me, Spike.

Both fighters got to the Arena, accompanied by their respective coaches. The Faker Barrier Spell was casted so the fight could start. The referee inside the Arena gave some final instructions and the match started.

Spike and Easy Glider looked at each other; both of them drew their weapons, swords and Katanas. After a couple of second they jumped towards each other. Their movements were so fast and no one gave his opponents the slightest change to take away their points. After a couple of minutes from clashing their weapons, both of them jumped backwards.

You know, it’s difficult to picture this scene as anything remotely badass when the fighters are a baby chick and a baby dragon with a balloon head.

“I knew this would happen! You are really fascinating!” – Easy Glider said with a smile on her face.

Didn't take long for her to want the Dragon D.

She spread her wings and started hovering just a few meters over the ground, she drew her bow and Spike did the same, he already knew what was coming. The first arrow flew through the sky, pointing at Spike’s head, it was so fast it didn’t look like an arrow anymore; it was just a blur looking for its target. Sadly, all it found was the ground. Spike jumped aside and avoided being hit by the first arrow, the next one and the ones that followed. He jumped across the Arena to find some shelter amongst the rocks that were scattered on the ground. He readied his bow and started shooting at the Griffin who was fast enough to dodge his arrows too. After some minutes both of them ran out of arrows, Spike felt relief since he knew he would be better at close combat.

In a world filled with all kinds of crazy and fascinating magic, let’s fight with arrows and swords.

He looked at Easy Glider who said in a loud voice:

“You don’t have any arrows left; everything is going according to the plan!” – Spike was surprised after hearing her words - “What plan? You don’t have any arrows left too, you can’t continue hovering if you want to win this!”

“Really? Let me teach you something. Being honest, I wanted to use it in the finals but it seems a good moment now!”

Glider drew her sword and threw at Spike, he dodged it with no problem by jumping as high as he could in order to reach her while she was still hovering at a few meters over the ground, but then he noticed something was shinning. It was a thin metallic string that came from Easy Glider and ran on the same direction her sword went flying a second ago. Spike noticed Glider pulling the string with her bracelet and the unmistakable sound of the sword leaving the ground and coming back at her. Spike managed to turn around while in mid-air and blocked the attack but lost his balance and fell in the ground, it hurt a little, but he knew he couldn’t stay still for long; he immediately rolled on the ground to evade any other attack from the Griffin who was still in the air.



That has to be one of the most impractical weapons I've ever seen. All it takes is for the line to get cut, and your fucked.

The sad thing is, there are plenty of real world chained weapons to pick from.

“Do you like it Spike? I took me months to master this technique. My big brother uses it and thought me how to use it myself.” – Spike stood up and started shaking the dust off his armor - “It’s really amazing Glider, this match is so cool!”

“I am glad you think that Spike, Let’s continue!”

Glider started her next attack. She kept throwing her swords at him, one after another, Spike thought about cutting the wires with his Katanas and even though he managed to hit one, his Katana bounced from it, it seemed they were made of a really tough material and even though it was a Faker copy, it keep the same properties as the original. Glider’s attacks were getting faster each time, Spike was unable to keep blocking them so once again he had to take cover on the rocks, when he finally reached the bigger one, he could catch his breath, or so he thought…Easy Glider continued attacking him and her swords were cutting the rocks as hot knives on butter, Spike had to jump away from the he was hidden under to avoid Glider’s swords from reaching him. He was tired. He would land on what seemed to be a safe spot, but unluckily for him, a shinny metallic thread was already in that place. Spike could only see the string getting tense as Glider pulled it before he landed. This time, Spike couldn’t change his direction. The Faker sword reached his stomach and took fifty points away from him. He landed on the ground only to listen to the sound of his points going down. There wasn’t any time to rest, he couldn’t stop or he would lose the fight. He rolled to the front while taking a smoke bomb out of his pocket that he immediately used. The device exploded creating a big cloud of smoke that covered him completely.

Such an intense battle...I need to do something to calm down. Like watching the grass grow in my backyard.

No kidding. This tournament has been a terribly boring experience. I mean, I could accept a tournament with no stakes and for fun, sure, but the author has neither the creativity nor the writing skills to come up with something interesting.

As we’ve mentioned before there’s practically no difference between the competitors’ fighting styles. Spike and Alex fight exactly in the same way, nevermind the fact the former is one third the size of the latter. The mystical creatures are all limited by their animal bodies and, worse, they all draw from the same pool of weapons. I joke about it, but it genuinely feels like I’m reading the same paragraphs over and over again.


“Nice one Spike, but you know it won’t work! As long I’m up here you can’t reach me. Sooner or later, you will run out of smoke bombs and will have no place to hide from by “boomerang swords”! Just give up, this match is over!”

Glider’s “boomerang swords” were a powerful technique, but every attack has a weak spoke, Spike knew it. While still covered by the smoke, he pressed a button on his Hidden Blade, it seemed like he was releasing some kind of safe – “All or nothing!” – He said to himself. He jumped out of the smoke and looked at Easy Glider who had a big smile on her face. Spike moved two steps to the front and put his Katanas back in their sheaths.

“It seems you have given up, wise choice Spike. Don’t worry; I will end this as quickly as possible.”

Spike closed his eyes and Glider threw her sword at him. But the Dragon wasn’t done, he was just focusing on his next move, he evaded the sward and extended his hands to grab it – “Got it!” – His grip was tight. Being a Dragon gave him many gifts, one of them was his natural strength.

The second gift was a penis, which is incredibly useful in fics like this one.

He used it to try to pull Glider to him but she was no weakling, she fought back. Desperate, she threw her other blade at Spike, but the Dragon caught it too. Now, it was a strength test for both.

“You are strong Spike; I’ll give you that! But tell me, what is the meaning of this? You somehow managed stop my boomerang blades, but still you can’t reach me.”

Glider knew Spike had nowhere to run. She released one of the wires from her bracelet which released the tension on it, throwing Spike out of balance. She then grabbed a throwing knife and prepared to throw it at Spike in order to finish him. When she looked back at Spike, she saw him pointing the edge of his hidden blade at her:

“You are using your blade in a long distance combat? Spike, are you really that desperate?”

Spike smirked and pulled the wire with all his strength. This time, Easy Glider was the once caught off balance, she was pulled at Spike with such strength she was unable to react or regain position. With a twist of his hand, Spike’s Hidden Blade left its place inside his bracelet and was shot at a great speed towards her. It impacted Glider in the forehead. She was shocked. She let her knife fall and grabbed the blade in her forehead to give it a better look. The sound of the life counter was next; a single tear rolled down her cheek as the number stopped in zero…

I would like to know what’s the criteria for damage in this clusterfuck of a tournament. Meh, I'll fill it under "whatever is the most convenient for the protagonists".



Wait, the fucking blade can be fired from the gauntlet, as a ranged attack? Which Assassin's Creed game was that bullshit in?!

Did they learn to make this shit from a YouTube video too?

“THE WINNER AND FIRST FINALIST, SPIKE THE DRAGON!”

Everycreature including Alex and the gang cheered for Spike. This was a great match for the audience, even the Griffins were cheering for him. The Faker Barrier disappeared as Spike walked towards Easy Glider; she was still looking at his blade. When he was in front of her, their eyes met:

“You . . . you defeated me! I really didn’t see that coming.”

I can't blame you Easy Glider; that came right out of nowhere.

“I got a little lucky, but you forced me to use my secret weapon. If it hadn’t worked as I planned, the match would’ve been yours!” – He replied.

Glider smiled and punched his shoulder - “You really are fascinating, you better win this whole thing!” – She said.

“I will do my best!”

Glider turned around - “I think we should be friends. What do you think?” – Spike nodded.

“. . . I can write you some letters, right?” – She asked.

“Yeah. . .Why not?” Spike said while giving her the mailing address of Golden Oaks Library.

“Great! Now we are friends! You better answer my letters!” - Glider said as she started to fly. Spike could swear he saw her cheeks turn a little red. She obviously was not good at showing her feelings.

Alex came to his side. He was laughing hard.

“Hahahaha! Wow Spike, Two out of two! You really are a ladies dragon.”

Is the author giving Spike a harem, in exchange for Rarity? Because I think that's the case here.

“Why isn’t it the same with Rarity?” – Spike asked.

“I don’t know Brother… Let’s go, we need to get you ready for your next match.”

Because she’s an adult and he's a child, you dense motherfucker! My God! Can you imagine if the genders were reversed? Would you want a male Rarity in his late twenties/early thirties to be in a relationship with female Spike of ten years-old?

“Ok.”

Alex and Spike proceeded to go to the dressing room so Spike could rest a little before his next match. From a distance, they noticed Aura and Glider having some kind of argument:

“I saw him first!” – Aura yelled - “You are wasting your time, I’m prettier than you!” – Easy Glider replied.

Alex smiled after looking at this. Spike was giggling and his face went red; the girls seemed to be fighting over the Dragon – “We better leave them alone Spike…” – Spike turned to Alex; he couldn’t stop laughing at this – Yeah! We better go!”

Of course Spike is getting a pair of “pretty girls” to squabble about him. He’s an extension of the author’s self-insert, after all. Like that mutant fetus coming out from that dude’s stomach in Arnie’s Total Recall.

After a couple of hours of resting and having his Faker weapons restored Spike started getting ready for his next match. Aura and Glider had been tough opponents and he had learned a lot from fighting them. It was no surprise for Alex and Spike to find out that the winner of the other match was Platinum Gust,

Platinum Gust? I've heard of Platinum Guts, but not this fellow.

Spike’s last opponent in the finals. It seemed as if this fight was pretty easy for the winning Minotaur as it didn’t take more than five minutes for the announcer to declare the victor.

Suddenly, someone was knocking on Spike’s dressing room door – “Coming!” – Alex said before welcoming the visitors.

“Spike, you were amazing!” Sweetie Bell screamed while the rest of the girls hugged him.

“Thanks Sweetie Bell!”

“You really have grown up, I’m so proud of you!” - Twilight said, joining the conversation.

“Thanks Twilight. Being honest, I think I can win this thing!” – Spike replied while being hugged by the CMC.

“Indeed you can darling. You are a strong dragon, don’t forget that! My little Spikey Wickey!” – Rarity said.

The Wicker Dragon: Staring Nicholas Cage as Spike.

“Thanks Rarity!” – Spike looked down but didn’t stop laughing – “Too bad I’m just your little Spikey Wickey…” – He said to himself.

Guess we can safely discard “learn to use knives” from the “Plans to Woo Rarity” list.

“By the way – Rarity continued - I couldn’t help noticing you were having a nice time with the little cute unicorn and the awesome griffin back there!”

“Yeah! I noticed that too!” - Sweetie Bell said, narrowing her eyes.

“Well, we just became friends after having great matches, that’s all!” Spike said looking at all directions.

“Ok, that’s great then! – Rarity and Sweetie Bell replied.

All of them kept talking and sharing their thoughts about Spikes’ matches. Sweetie Bell didn’t take her eyes off from Spike who was talking to Twilight.

Subtle...

Alex noticed this and smiled.

“Now, that’s interesting. Nice choice little sister. I must admit you were doing a great job hiding it until now. I hope you get ready because you have some pretty rivals.” – Alex he said to himself.

This shit is starting to get both, creepy and infuriating. It’s bad enough Alejin tortures us with his fucking self-insert, but he also has to use Spike as his little wish-fulfillment avatar too?

After some minutes the CMC left Spike and Alex alone. The announcer made the call to the audience so everypony could be on their seats for the final match. Spike was ready, he knew his next opponent was strong, maybe the strongest one, but he was not afraid. He had faced two incredible rivals already. Spike and Platinum were called to the arena. The cheering from the crowd was intense; Spike arrived at the arena and turned to Alex. The look on his eyes was enthusiastic, the Dragon was really focused.

“Remember Spike, this guy is strong; he uses his axe and crossbow, he has no special techniques because he doesn’t need them. All he has is his insane strength, will be your best bet.”

Go eat a dick, Alex. The fact Minotaur dude only has two weapons (one for long range and other for close combat) means his fighting skills are far superior to cretins like you who have to depend on ridiculous weapon gimmicks.

“Ok Alex, don’t worry, I’ll do my best!”

“I know you’ll do.”

Platinum Guts and his coach entered the arena, the crowd was cheering for him too. They knew Platinum Guts was the best warrior they had seen so far.

He's nothing. I can blow him back, with one hand tied behind my back.

The Minotaur and the Dragon walked to center of the Arena, the referee was waiting for them.

“So, you really made it to the finals! I’m impressed; I really thought that Griffin would finish you off. I guess underdogs are very lucky…” – Platinum Guts said.

“Yeah. . . I guess so, enough talk, let’s fight!”

The Faker Barrier was activated, Spike drew his Katanas while Platinum took out his crossbow, which was bigger than Spike himself; the arrows were like spears for him. – “I’ll be done if I get hit with that!” – Spike said to himself. Platinum readied his bow; the muscles on his arm looked tense and hard as if they were made of rock. Spike got ready and stood in a defense position waiting for the Minotaur to make his move, Platinum didn’t even blink. The crow was silent, nobody made any noise, nobody moved. And then, a deadly projectile flew towards Spike, he barely dodged it. The impact of the arrow was so strong it literally got buried in the ground, raising a lot of dust in the process. Spike was shocked. Platinum stored his bow and drew his war Axe, he looked at Spike and charged, swinging his axe, the Dragon jumped and rolled to dodge the hit. The powerful swing from his weapon sounded like an enormous whip, lifting small rocks from the ground and sending them flying. Platinum was really strong, at least for a Minotaur youngling, but Alex was right, he was fast but not as fast as him.

How can you be that fast with your pitifully short legs? Did you take “hydrocephalus” in exchange for a bonus to your agility or something?

“Those weapons should weight a ton!” – Spike thought.

Even though he was swinging that weapon, the Minotaur was not getting tired. Spike tried to shot some arrows and throwing knives but was easily blocked by the huge axe. Platinum swung again, Spike tried to evade the attack by jumping to his right but this time Platinum was prepared; The Minotaur dropped his weapon and jumped after Spike who was unable to dodge while in midair. Platinum smiled has he threw a powerful punch. Spike pointed his swords at the Minotaur’s arm waiting for him to stop his attack, but he didn’t; Spike felt a strong pain in his chest as he was hit by Platinum’s mace-fist which sent him flying through the air directly towards Alex who had to jump aside to avoid being hit by the dragon bullet. He could have stopped Spike, but coaches were prohibited from any kind of intervention in the matches, otherwise the participants would be disqualified.

Here’s a bit of relevant martial arts trivia for you all. Eskrima, also known and Kali and Arnis, is the martial arts of the Philippines, which specializes in the use of weapons such as sticks, knives and several others. In this art, the hand that is not holding a weapon is called the “live hand” and is extremely important, since it allows you to check, block grab and strike. Basically, a good eskrimador uses his whole body as a weapon together with whatever he's holding.



What's with Spike's tail?

Hmm? Oh, sorry. I was too busy admiring the punch. It’s so damn cathartic.

Spike hit the Faker Barrier at an immense speed and then fell on the ground. He was coughing blood but was grateful for his armor and natural toughness, another one of his attributes as a Dragon.

For fuck’s sake! He’s got very accurate senses, superior strenght and now toughness? What’s next? Being able to keep an erection for hours?

“Spike!” - Twilight screamed from the outside. The rest of the gang was worried.

“Five minutes!” - Alex raised his hands pointing at the referee, using the only break the participants were allowed to. The referee nodded and started his chronometer.

“Cough… cough… He gave up twenty points to deliver that hit. I must say he is a genius, he is not just a mindless fighter!” - Spike said while cleaning some blood from his mouth with his hand.

“You’ll need to be even faster and agile…” – Alex said.

“I know, but in order to that, I’d have to store my Katanas and not draw my bow and arrows.”

“But you still have your brass knuckles and your hidden blades!”

Jesus Christ! Who needs that many goddamn weapons?!

Not just that. They’re admitting all that stuff is effectively slowing him down.

“What? But Alex, my Katanas couldn’t damage him enough what makes you think my hidden blades will do any better and the brass knuckles do not count as weapons here, they will not take any of his points!” – Spike replied.

“But they can deal damage!”

“Alex, did you forget about the armor he is wearing?”

Alex smiled - “Spike, do you know that the ocean waves are strong enough to crush a rock?”

“Yeah, but not just one. There has to be one wave after another and… Wait, I think I get it now!”

“Yeah Spike, It will take time, but I believe it can be done. It all depends on how tough you are. Are you tough enough Spike?”

“Yes! I am!”

Alex turned to the referee - “Ok, he is ready!” - Spike hugged Alex and got ready to fight again, Platinum was waiting for him in the center of the Arena. Spike had stored his Katanas and was adjusting the brass knuckles of his armor.

The hell? Why in the everloving fuck is Alex allowed to request a break in the middle of the fight with no timed rounds and no ring out? He basically negated the advantage Minotaur dude had acquired with that punch, took down his momentum and cooled down his body while letting Spike recover.

And why is Spike allowed to change his weapons selection? Imagine if I entered the fight armed with every weapon available, stood on the defensive for half a minute to study my opponent then requested the break to dump the weapons that I won’t need and keep the ones that will be the most effective.

Third, why are brass knuckles not considered weapons when they are pieces of metal attached to his fucking fists?


“You think you can defeat me with your fists? This must be a joke, go ahead and try…”

"I'm going to let you punch me multiple times, in the belief that the blows won't destroy my armor."

Genius my ass...


Spike charged towards his opponent, platinum had already picked up his axe and swung it when Spike was ready, the Dragon dodged it but he was faster time. Using his brass knuckles he hit Platinum on his ribs, the right side to be exact; then, he backed off quickly. Platinum started to laugh:

“What was that? I didn’t feel anything!”

Spike didn’t say a word and just charged towards his opponent, Platinum swung his axe at Spike. But the Dragon dodged it again; Platinum tried to punch him, but Spike crouched, he was moving faster. Spike delivered another hit to the same spot, making a visible scratch on Platinum’s armor and backed off again.

“I felt that a little…” - Platinum said to himself.

Spike was getting tired, not to mention his claw started to ache – “Maybe this is pointless…” – Spike was thinking about a different strategy but then he looked at Platinum’s face, he seemed uneasy – I won’t stop now!” - Spike charged again, dodging Platinum’s attack, but this time instead of punching Spike, he covered is ribs with his hand and tried to kick Spike who avoided the hit and jumped straight to Platinum’s face.

“Tell me, how are you protecting your face now?”

Platinum didn’t have any time to answer. He was hit by Spike right on his nose making him bleed. The Minotaur covered his face with both hands.

“Oh! Father of all Minotaurs, you broke my nose! You little piece of. . . ” - He couldn’t finish that sentence before being hit on his ribs once again; this time the armor was shattered, a hole was revealing Platinum’s fur underneath it – “Now!” – Spike said before charging again. He tried to use his hidden blade but was interrupted by a powerful knee hit on his face. It sent him flying again, Spike landed heavily on the ground -“C’mon Spike, you are half way done with it! I know you can do it!” – Alex screamed. There referee turned at him – “Don’t distract him!”

Asking for a break on a crucial moment? Fine. Shouting words encouragement? Keep your mouth shut, son. Fucking logic.



Platinum looks like he's struggling to not throw up the moldy old burrito he ate at lunch time.

It’s so bad he lost his tail too.

Spike was covering his nose, it could be broken too. He stood up, walked two steps, fell on his knees and then on the ground. Spike fainted. All his friends were worried, he didn’t look he was going to stand up again. Platinum grabbed his Axe and started walking towards Spike; he was covering his bleeding nose with the other hand.

“You gave me lots of troubles dragon. Now, LOSE!”

Platinum looked at the crow and raised his Axe to deliver the final blow but Spike opened his eyes, he was waiting for this. He extended his claw and grabbed one of his Katanas. The Minotaur looked down and noticed this; he swung his axe one last time as fast as he could. Spike rolled to the side in order to dodge the attack, the axe got stuck in the ground because of the strength Platinum used this time, he tried to retrieve it but he couldn’t do it in time. The Katana was travelling through the air straight to the hole in Platinum’s armor.

“No! I cannot lose!” – But he did. The Faker weapon went all the way into the hole in his armor. His life counter dropped to zero.

How convenient Platinum completely forgot about his crossbow.

“Damn it!” – Platinum yelled. He tried to punch Spike even though he had already lost.

He tried while trying to punch Spike

“Hey! The match is over!” - The referee said while the Faker Barrier disappeared.

So far, the referee is the best character in this tripe.

Platinum ignored him and continued his attack. Spike who was already standing up dodged his attack and punched him right in the nose again. This time, the Minotaur couldn’t stand the pain and fell on the ground.

He has to be a sore loser for some extra cartoonish villany.

Everycreature, even Minotaurs were cheering for Spike who was crying not because of his broken nose but because of the joy he was feeling. Unicorn nurses came to help both participants immediately. Spike was healed almost immediately thanks to the Unicorn magic. Alex got close to him and lifted him up:

“I’m proud of you Spike, well done!”

“Thanks Pal, I can’t believe I won!”

“Well, you better believe it, YOU DID!”

The four Princesses got next to them. Princess Celestia was carrying a trophy as big as Spike. Twilight could not help herself and hugged Spike; she told him how proud she was of him. Princess Celestia used her Canterlot voice:

“MY LITTLE PONIES AND FELLOW GUESTS, IT’S MY HONOR TO PRESENT TO YOU THE CHAMPION OF THE COLISEUM TOURNAMENT IN THE YOUNG DIVISION. REPRESENTING EQUESTRIA, SPIKE THE DRAGON!”

Spike raised his trophy, crying tears of joy; every creature cheered again, now the Mane Six and Crusaders came and congratulated him, Aura and Glider were there too. Alex raised Spike and carried him on his shoulders.



Now Spike has something that can compensate for his small penis.

But no trophy can match up to Rarity’s luscious marshmallow ass.

Princess Celestia continued:

“THE FINAL MATCHES OF GLADIATOR’S TOURNAMENT WILL START TOMORROW. WE WILL BE WAITING FOR YOU TOMORROW FOR MORE AMAZING FIGHTS!”

Alex and Spike went to their dressing room so he could take off his armor and take a shower before going to the party that the CMC had prepared for Spike.

“Well. . . I won” – Spike said.

“Yes, you did Spike! Get ready for your fans!”

“I guess. Alex, are you ready to win tomorrow?”

“I’ll give my best. Let’s see what happens…”

You know what? I want to see what happens too. No, really. I want to see if Alejin can come up with anything so blatant and ridiculously contrived as the shit we saw on this final battle. Let’s make a recap:

Alex is allowed to interrupt the fucking fight for five whole damn minutes to discuss a new strategy with Spike and allow him to rest despite the fact we have never heard of this rule before and it just happens to coincide with the moment Platinum had gotten the advantage.

Brass knuckles are not considered weapons despite the fact they can break Platinum’s armor and inflict massive damage to his body for no adequately given reason.

This one is important, there was zero mention of Spike losing life points. “But Dashguy,” you may be saying. “Platinum didn’t hit him with his Axe!” Fair point, allow me to present my rebuttal from the very previous chapters (bold mine):


QUOTE
Spike threw his short bow away and drew his Katanas, Aura opened her eyes and saw him coming towards her as she readied her crossbow but it was too late, Spike was faster and with a swift movement he cut her weapon in half. It all happened in less than a second, Spike turned around and hit Aura’s face with his tail and then with his foot, it was some sort of round house kick that sent her flying through the air.

Aura landed on her back but jumped back on her hoofs as soon as she hit the ground. The counter over her head lost twenty five points. Aura could still feel the pain from Spike’s tail and the kick to his face. She was hurt but happy at the same time because Spike kept his promise and was using everything he had to fight against her – “He is a great fighter, but I am a warrior!”

QUOTE
The Unicorn flew straight to Spike at full speed - “Nice fight Spike!” - She shouted while she flying through the air. Everypony knew it was the end, everypony but Alex he knew Spike had planned something and Aura fell for it. Before being hit by Aura’s razor armor, Spike let himself fall flat on the ground letting Aura fly right above him and using his tail as a spring he kicked her on her stomach with both legs. The kick was so strong it made her fly directly to a rock that was behind them. Aura couldn’t stop or change direction because of how fast she was flying this time.

She crashed against the rock shattering it to pieces. Spike stood up and turned around to get ready for his next move but his ankles were hurt – “There’s no time to rest!” – He said to himself as he noticed Aura standing up among the debris – “Damn it, she is tough!”

“That was really unexpected” – Aura said while smiling – “I thought… I thou… I…” – Aura’s life counter dropped to zero as the fell knocked out on the floor.

Aura Breeze was damaged, and ultimately knocked out, by physical attacks, not fake weapons yet Spike was punched with enough force to sent flying against the barrier and later crashing hard against the ground after getting kicked in the face without mentions of losing a single fucking point.

Why present so many rules if you're going to dump them the minute you need your damn characters to win?
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UnsavoryGlint


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post Apr 27 2017, 06:09 PM
They're plenty of chained weapons yes...But none of them are literally swords attached to a fucking long thread of string.


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"Did you know that UnsavoryGlint is my old arse Xbox live profile name?, I keep it out of a odd respect for it (although it could due to the fact that its a euphemism for something nasty.)"
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Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 20th August 2017 - 06:50 PM