Welcome Guest ( Log In | Register )

Reply to this topicStart new topic
> Guardian Louds, Mixing Super Sentai with the Loud House gets you a Slurpee of shit
Post #1


Group: Members
Posts: 25
Joined: 17-January 17
From: The United States
Member No.: 2,036
Gender: Male

post Feb 2 2017, 04:02 PM
Hello! my name is Unsavoryglint! and this is going to be my first mock! I hope you guys like it!

For those who don't know, the fanfiction I'm going to be mocking is called Guardian Louds, its basically a Loud House Fanfiction with ideas inspired(Stolen) by Super Sentai, its over 200,000 words and its absolutely aggravating to read.

The Loud House is a cartoon about a boy living in a family of ten sisters, I would make a harem joke but people already drowned that out, thankfully, this author (calling himself 'The Loud Author') wasn't going to go the easy route, he instead went with the trivial route! Deciding to make a Super Sentai fanfic but with Loud House characters

Without further ado! Let us begin!

Chapter 1: Friendly Visit

Autumn began only a month ago, and Mother Nature did her job expediently in stripping the trees of their leaves. In Royal Woods, a calm city in the state of Michigan, the colder weather had set in, and every light gust of wind that blew past sent nearly a hundred leaves blowing in the same direction.

Damn, I thought autumn was all about sunshine and blooming flowers, thank you for educating me Author.

"Ah, Fall… the season that pretty much lets everyone have fun with nature without having to worry about hurting it…"

A thirteen-year-old boy looked out from the bathroom window, where he often found himself gazing out it, whenever he was brushing his buckteeth. His white light hair was messy, and he was in an orange hoodie with his denim blue jeans. He spat into the sink.

Don't you love it when the Author thinks adding pointless details counts as adding depth to a story?

"…and boy, the mountains of leaves are gonna be big this year," Lincoln Loud smiled.

Eh don't worry about it, every gust blows about 100 fallen leafs so I think you're going to okay.

Being the middle child trying to live with ten sisters sounded a lot harder than it actually was, but the young boy did his best to make sure everyone was happy, being a peacekeeper was rough but worthwhile.

Way to Show, not tell.

He tended to be able to make plans up quickly on the spot, sadly do they rarely ever go through well, usually blowing up in his face.

A fun example would be nice to see, but, being told is nice too.

"Indeed," Lincoln heard. He looked to the sink to see Lisa, the second youngest Loud member, standing beside him. She had just finished brushing her own teeth like he did.

"You got anything planned to make the clean up faster? Last year the Reverse Leaf Blower almost worked… 'til it, y'know, blew up," the white haired boy chuckled at the memory. Lisa was semi-famous for her great mind already for her age, her brown hair and thick glasses making her easy to spot from a mile away.

Wait, so Brown Hair and some glasses is special now? For goodness sakes, my whole school is filled with people with black hair and glasses, I can't tell them apart even if they stood side-by-side to each other.

She was wearing her usual intelligence attire, like college was more important to her than fun, not that she was opposed to enjoying anytime she could with her family whenever the chance arose.

"Yes, and I'll gladly remind you that you were the one who filled the bag past its expandable limitation," Lisa retorted. She often experimented on her family members in trade for favors, though there was the occasional time when she left them out of the loop on a test.

"Yeaaaaah…" Lincoln contested defeat. Their father had not been too happy about the destroyed leaf blower. Thankfully Lisa and Lana had been able to fix it back up for the most part.

"You're smiling a lot more than usual, Lisa. Is something up?" Lincoln asked. His intelligent younger sibling usually had a straight face when it came to things. The teenage boy normally would not give it a second thought, but it felt different today.

"Oh, yes. I'm actually turning out to be very excited. One of my competitors is coming over for a friendly visit today. You might remember him as Vernan Otis," Lisa said as the two left the bathroom. That name was quite an eye widener to her only brother.

Vernan Otis is a non-canon random scientist character that the Author wrote in order to make the premise sound slightly less insane.

"Vernan? That guy from the… uh… science fairs?" Lincoln nervously replied. He was not able to pronounce the full event name, mainly because his head hurt trying to remember it, he never had met Vernan personally either.

"No, Lincoln," Lisa sighed, "He is a fellow scientist, and for lack of better word, my rival. He's taken four of those medals for most helpful invention. And the events are called The Four Seasons of Service to help the world."

Exposition! Because we clearly weren't lectured enough already!

Lisa remembered it all by heart. Early on whenever the season changed, a small gathering would occur where scientists could show their most recent inventions, and the most helpful to society gained a special medal representing that season the gathering was held in.

"Okay… so why would you have this Vernan guy anywhere near home? Don't you hate him?" Lincoln heard it many times before. When Lisa lost, she tended to go overboard with experiments, resulting in several explosions in barely a day's time.

"It's because in the end, it's to better society and to help those that need help. It may sound illogical, but if it wasn't for competition to surpass one another, then frankly there would be no progress made, and despite how rude and tense everyone might be, we all are doing it to help those in need," Lisa went into detail for her brother as she followed him to his room. It was small, but he was thankful to just have a room to himself, since everyone else had to share bedrooms, though occasionally he would wind up sharing with one of his siblings for one of many reasons.

He shares his bed with his sisters more often in shipping fics.

"That's a really positive way to look at competition, Lisa," Lincoln praised her, finding that mindset great. He already was impressed at how rarely she gave up on inventions, no matter how dangerous. The white haired boy pet the family dog Charles who lay on his bed beside Lincoln's precious stuffed family hand-me-down, Bun-Bun.

"Thank you, Lincoln. Though to answer your previous inquiry, yes, I hate Vernan with every iota of my body," Lisa stated, not hesitant to at least speak the truth about how she felt about her rival.

Its okay everyone, Lisa is always this emotionless and boring

"Well… Still mostly positive," Lincoln gave a thumbs up. As of now, they were the only two inside the house, while the other nine sisters and their parents were long since outside. The older Louds were trying to clean up the leaves, as the younger Louds scattered them everywhere like usual this time of year.

Which younger ones? Which older ones? To this author, it doesn't matter, he'll care about them when he turns them into the green ranger and the blue ranger later on respectively.

"When is he going to be here anyway?" The bucktoothed boy asked, trying to find his shoes. They were somewhere in his room. He kept them here so he would not lose track of them, though it seemed they somehow magically got lost like always. Lisa kicked his shoes out from under the bed, she knew where her brother lost items often, so it was easy to find them again.

"Between now and approximately… five minutes," Lisa claimed. Lincoln quirked an eyebrow while putting his shoes on, when he heard the doorbell ring right on cue.

<Randomly created Scientist enters scene>

"Huh… This is going to be another weird day, isn't it?" He chirped, guessing that maybe being super intelligent made people super punctual as well. His sister nodded, agreeing that there rarely was such a thing as a normal day for the Loud house, and what they considered normal, most considered weird.

Not a Weird Lincoln, a terrible one.

"Would you like to stay for our gathering? You may get a preview to the next step of evolution in mankind's technology," Lisa offered, trying to not go overboard with using her large vocabulary since it always confused her family to no end.

Bet'll amount to something involving beating up monsters.

"Uhh… I'unno. What's the chance of things blowing up?" Lincoln watched Lisa pull out a calculator and take a few moments before giving her response.

"I'unno either Lincoln." Lisa responded with a shrug, mocking her brothers inability to pronounce words properly.

"Twelve percent chance of one of my inventions exploding," she coughed, adjusting her glasses. The white haired boy sighed, guessing she had no idea what the exact probability was for Vernan's devices to unexpectedly detonate, and he didn't want it to be eighty-eight percent, all he could do was hope it would be fine.

Alright, I'll join you two. It'd be nice to see you get along instead of hatefully glare at each other from across the rooms," Lincoln agreed, though he was not speaking out his will to make sure that Lisa did not go overboard when showing her inventions off, if she did that is, if it came down to that. At least the only Loud boy could make a good guinea pig if they wanted to test something on him.

I hate it when an author tries to make a character snarky, especially to such a good-hearted kid like Lincoln.

"Well, butting heads is how scientists think best after all… thank you Lincoln,"

...No they don't, Scientists usually work together to come up with breakthroughs and solve issues, conflict and going against each other is literally what scientists don't do because conflict causes no sense of progress whatsoever.

Lisa hopped up, giving her brother a hug around his waist, which was as high as she could reach. Lincoln smiled, rubbing her head.

"Don't think about it. Come on, you don't want to keep our guest waiting," Lincoln was ready to meet Vernan more personally. He went downstairs with his second youngest sister and to the front door. Most of their family was still outside playing.

"Well here we go," Lisa grabbed the doorknob and opened it to greet their visitor. The man who stood on the front porch was in a brown coat and a white shirt. He looked maybe sixty years old at best, and his head was next to bald, aside from the black hair around the side of his skull.

"Lisa Loud! It's great to see you smiling for once," Vernan laughed. The man was recognized for more of his medical treatments and studies on how to improve the human body, mainly for helping with life crippling injuries or the likes.

Spoiler Alert: he dies in a couple of chapters, the Author here is trying to make you feel impressed with this guy.

"Lincoln, meet Vernan Otis," Lisa introduced them more personally. Lincoln shook the overly joyous elder's hand, seeing a black briefcase in his other hand. The first time the boy had ever heard of Vernan, was when he made a breakthrough in helping people with no immune systems gain temporary restoration, so they could have a chance to enjoy life how it should be lived, even if it was only little bits at a time.

"It's nice to meet you Mister Otis… and to have you over for a visit," Lincoln greeted the elder scientist, letting him come inside and then closing the door behind him.

"Please. Mister Otis was my great-great-great-great-great grandfather's name. You can just call me Vernan," Vernan insisted there was no need for such formalities. He took his coat off, Lincoln taking it and hanging it on the nearby coat rack. The three of them went to the kitchen.

"My brother wanted to meet you… Due to our history with one another," Lisa informed Vernan, the elder laughed lightly. Lincoln was aware the five year old girl and the sixty-year-old were always trying to beat each other, most of the scientist community found it a running gag.

"I'm sure he just wants to make me jealous of that head full of hair he has," Vernan laughed while patting the young boy's head. Lincoln was glad they were happy and calm so far.

"Go ahead and sit down. I'll get you anything you need," Lincoln assured that the elder could relax and enjoy his stay as a guest. There were two tables in the kitchen; the grown up table and the kids table. The white haired boy tried twice to get to the grownups table, but he failed miserably, but the single Loud boy understood that sometimes the adult table got worse than the kids table.

That part of two tables thing is from the show, the Author just wanted to cement the fact that he was a fan of the show and watches it, despite calling himself, 'The Loud Author'.

"What grade are you in, boy?" Vernan questioned while taking his seat at the big table, resting the briefcase on it off to the side. Lisa had to get a few phonebooks from the living room so she could reach the table without having the stand on the chair. The child prodigy was short for her age, and it did get frustrating often.

"I'm in seventh grade," Lincoln answered as he took his seat beside Lisa. The response seemed to make the old man smile from ear to ear. ('Just my type' Vernan inwardly soothed.)

Knowing Lincoln's grade is nice and it'll help mold his character into the Red Ranger, because all leaders of a fighting team needs a seventh grader to be the leader

Really? You certainly don't act like it. Still, I'm glad to know that there are good honest youths in this world," Vernan complimented. Lincoln, for his somewhat mature attitude on how to handle things, everyone in the loud family was unusually unique. All the Loud siblings had a special trait about them.

"Thanks, Mister Otis," Lincoln rubbed his head sheepishly at the compliments. A hot blush began to erupt on his cheeks, he felt his legs trembling as he began to feel the passionate flame inside him, only ignited by the words of the Charming Vernan Otis.

"Vernan, young boy, Vernan…" Vernan shook his head, insisting once again to not be referred to as Mister Otis.

"O-oh, sorry… So you didn't bring any of your gadgets to show off?" Lincoln asked. So far he saw no fancy machines or any sort of invention, and neither of the highly intelligent people were comparing which machine was better than the other thus far.

Yeah man! You can't just SAY you're a scientist! you got to show off your awesome wacky inventions!!!

"I have to concur, I'm perplexed at the lack of inventions as well," Lisa agreed with her brother, their curiosity peaked. Vernan was the type to always carry something new he made around.

"Ah, well… I do, sort of. I'm really close to finishing something I've been working on for three years. It took me seven years to get approval to begin working on it to begin with," Vernan groaned. The memories of all those arguments, meetings and fighting with his partners superiors and equals were horrible, but his determination and near decade of his life being spent on this would soon pay off.

Considering what happens to your work later on in this fic, you wasted seven years of your life man.

"Wow! Was this dangerous or something?" Lincoln questioned. If it was something from ten years ago, this was before a good third of his sisters were even born yet.

"Lincoln, there is no such thing as a dangerous invention. Only a dangerous inventor," Lisa informed him. She hated hearing people judge the invention and be afraid of them, and giving up at the slightest problem or disagreement.

Tell that to the Mormon Missionary who invented the fucking M1911 pistol.

"I wish I could say you were a hundred percent correct, Lisa, but frankly it's a lack of passion for work and the heart to never give up until you succeed. That is mostly the issue. Without any of that, the invention isn't even much of an invention anymore, as much as it's a buffoon trying to garner money instead of helping others," Vernan hated knowing that people's well being was not the priority, money was the only thing that mattered to big corporations. It was the main thing that drove him to work even harder until his last days on this earth.

Oh goodness, we're getting getting socialist with this one! I suppose the Powe-I mean Guardian Louds are going to fight a smog monster and the Corporate Commander later on when the team is fully arranged.

"Whoa… I never knew how rough it was…" Lincoln admitted. Lisa had not even met with many of these supposed confrontations, but that might be due to her age. Inevitably, things would change, but the lone Loud boy was going to support all his siblings no matter what.

"Yes… I apologize, I went off topic… You see, ten years ago, a meteor shower passed by Karnataka, in south India. It was a nice sight for many of course, but then a phenomenon occurred, and about twenty various sized meteors had fallen straight through orbit and landed along the shoreline," Vernan started. That look in his eyes almost seemed to express how fascinated he was with this mystery, almost like the glimmer of excitement and curiosity from when he first heard about it still existed today.

"That's preposterous. Meteors can't suddenly change direction on their own," Lisa argued. Her rival put his hands up, unable to contest that.

This is a fanfiction Lisa, realism and continuity goes out of the window in an instant.

Yes, that is what everyone said. But…" Vernan continued, "I still went to that shoreline to help investigate, and before I knew it, the military had rounded everything up and were repairing everything. These meteors had something special in them, and I could tell so by looking at them. So after seven years and many favors, the general turned over one of the smaller specimens to me."

"Whoa…" Lincoln said upon seeing a few pictures be put out on the table, showing the meteor's impact site. The damage was not too bad, but they certainly had made their marks.

Can you describe it for me Lincoln? I have an incompetent author doing it for me and its not good enough.

"Yes, but after three years, I realized these meteors didn't seem like meteors anymore. Instead, they are… well, they're like spheres filled to the brim with energy. Even the tiniest ones were stronger than five electric generators, they also recharge overtime. I put that energy to use to begin working on the Guardian Project," Vernan finished. The two looked at him, wondering what was with the name. It sounded ominous to them, and scary for an invention.

A name like Guardian Project is scary? They're kids yes, but even I wouldn't think to eerie of it, and I'm scared of my own closet (although admittedly my closet is filled with spiders.)

"Guardian? Is it for the military?" Lisa tried to guess. Her mind was not able to put things together here. This did not sound like Vernan Otis's line of work, but more like a war machine in production.

"Yes… unfortunately, to help benefit and aid those in need to get the meteor for my examinations, I had to agree to give it to the handpicked top soldier from the army," Vernan confessed. It upset him a lot as well that his invention had to be used by the government, but it did not halt his studies or research.

"There's no need to regret ten years of hard work…" Lincoln assured, "You said it's to help people right?"

"Yes… The guardian is designed from beginning to end, to save thousands of lives," Vernan nodded, Lisa wondering what her brother was getting at.

I think the person who weaponized Mustard gas said the same thing.

"Then it'll be a great thing. Sometime's things you work hard on go places you wouldn't like, but if it's still going to help those in need, then you've done a lot more in ten years than most could do in their entire lives… You're changing the world," Lincoln gave his minor speech on how he viewed this so far. Lisa was surprised at his wisdom. Vernan began laughing lightly.

"Ahahaha… you, young boy, are the type of person to illuminate the darkness in people's hearts… You're the type of person this world needs more of. After all, hard times are hitting once again, and the world is trying to find a constant balance between good and evil. The guardian is being created to make sure the next spike of evil is able to be fought," Vernan applauded Lincoln. The Loud parents were quite lucky to have such kindhearted children.

"I only just met you and already I think you're a saint among men, you're the next coming of JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF!" Also, he's now sounding more like a wizard than a scientist.

"Can you show us the guardian?" Lisa requested, excited from imagining this, her brother was in the same hype as her. Vernan shook his head.

"I'm sorry, Lisa, you are like another child to me. That's how I see all of my younger opponents or peers, but I've told you everything I can, the guardian is not even a quarter of the way complete yet," Vernan apologized. Lincoln and Lisa understood, despite their disappointment.

"It's alright," Lincoln insisted. The explanation and the pictures was enough for him. Lisa agreed, though they then noticed what time it was.

"Wow… Time does fly," Vernan said. Two hours had passed already since his arrival, and they barely realized it. The elder stood up.

"You have to leave already?" Lincoln asked, wishing the visit could last longer. It was weird for this special visit to be cut this short.

"Unfortunately so. When you go into my profession, you get no time to rest. I have a plane leaving at the Golden Pine Airline in an hour," Vernan apologized while the two Loud children followed him to the door, watching him get his coat back on.

That plane is going to drive into a mountain I tell you what.

"I appreciate your time. I'll expect to see you at the next seasonal competition, Lisa," the sixty-year-old man hummed, seeing that reassured smirk spread on Lisa's face that showed her motivation to accept and do any challenge.

"And I'll be sure to beat you this time around. I promise," Lisa declared. Lincoln was happy for them to see friendly competition.

"I'm looking forward to it," Vernan walked out the door with that same smile on his face.

"Wow… what a really nice man," Lincoln then turned to Lisa, "Jeez, Lisa, how can you hate that guy?"

"Please, Lincoln," Lisa rolled her eyes, "He was in a good mood. I assure you that he is a lot crueler at these gathering."

Huh, he literally just said he's going to save lives with his new invention and you're still touting him as an asshole?

After saying so, Lisa went upstairs to return to her work. The white haired boy let out a sigh. He had honestly believed the two were on good grounds, but now he was having second thoughts.

"Oh well, I'm starved. Time to grab an apple and go join everyone else outside," Lincoln thought. He was ready to go enjoy the autumn weather, though after he had grabbed a yellowish red apple and took one bite out of it, he noticed something.

"Crud… He forgot his briefcase," the teenage boy realized, looking at the briefcase lying on the table that had a three digit lock on it. Lincoln heard the sound of an engine revving up.

"Oh, come on!" Lincoln saw a taxi that Vernan had called to arrive here in advance. The young boy grabbed the briefcase before rushing out the door, to try and return it. However, by the time he got to the sidewalk, the taxi was already off in the distance.

Well...That was absolutely forced and contrived, and clearly this Black Briefcase would be unimportant to the plot!

"Great… and I have only an hour to get it back to him before he takes off on that plane," Lincoln murmured in irritation. He was not going to be playing in the leaves anytime soon clearly. The young boy presumed whatever was in the briefcase was important, not that he could open it to check without the code.

"Oh well. I'll be back before anyone notices," Lincoln told himself as he went to the open garage, seeing how full it was. He went and grabbed a bicycle that was a possession of his sporty sister, Lynn. He got onto it, letting the briefcase hang onto one of the handles so it would not fall off. Lincoln began to peddle, speeding his way forward, and willing to take any shortcuts to get to the airport on time, he just hoped that a major delay occurred.

"I'd better get there on time, or else. Still… I wonder what he meant by the next spike of evil…"

Anyway, I hoped you guys liked the mock :3, give me some criticism though, I have no idea if I'm doing good at this, I feel like I'm being to mean-spirited about it.

I also plan to mock a fanfiction I actually love, its stupid, but its one of my favorites for some reason tongue.gif, I don't know, I could have poor tastes, its called "The Paper Snowflake" Its a smash brothers fanfiction centering around Christmas...Its sounds silly to me, anyway, I'll see you guys later!

"Did you know that UnsavoryGlint is my old arse Xbox live profile name?, I keep it out of a odd respect for it (although it could due to the fact that its a euphemism for something nasty.)"
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #2

I'm very concerned.

Group: Members
Posts: 606
Joined: 3-January 13
From: Denmark
Member No.: 787
Gender: Male

post Feb 5 2017, 07:16 PM
Well, you certainly are doing well for your first mock, I'd say. A good fanfic to start out on too, by the looks of it.

Plot-wise, this fanfic's premise is already about to destroy my suspension of disbelief. Army-claimed energy meteors, that were kept secret for seven years, then some randomly circumstantial by-standing scientist is allowed to research them for three years afterwards, and only then are they being used for anything? Are you kidding me? I have only watched two episodes of Loud House to confirm them for my cartoon backlog, but even so, this premise strikes me as completely alien to the feel of the show.

Now, onto advice and criticisms.

I like the kind of snarky sarcasm you open up with. I would have liked to have seen more of that, especially along some of the places where there seemed a bit too far in-between your commentary, or instead of the somewhat repeated short indications of forced exposition. I'll freely admit, though, that that is purely a preference on my own part, and each mocker has their own style.

I know it might be difficult to interject with anything when the fanfic is not providing much of substance, but personally I'd highlight the author's attempts at jokes, which all seem present only to keep the readers from falling asleep.

On the topic of you planning on mocking a fanfic you like, I do not advice against it, only that you wait until you've gotten some more experience. In looking back at how I started out, I know that I could have done better, and as such I believe you'd want to give it your best, or at least to the extent of what you feel this fanfic deserves, depending on how much it means to you.

Oh, and since you're new, I'm obligated to indicate the How NOT to Mock advice thread, although I find you already follow it quite nicely.
And also, we have an Introductions section, if you feel like officially stating your presence and getting off some casual greetings and opening statements about yourself to other members of this forum.

This post has been edited by ConcernedGamer: Feb 5 2017, 07:22 PM

Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post
Post #3


Group: Members
Posts: 25
Joined: 17-January 17
From: The United States
Member No.: 2,036
Gender: Male

post Mar 20 2017, 01:52 PM
@ConcernedGamer Thank you for the pointers! this is my first time doing (although granted, I more used to roasting with reviews) And this is my time doing forum stuff like this...So I may have no clue how to properly work this before xD.

Anyway, I'm going to resume this mock, at first I felt like I was more of a roaster than a Mocker...But hey, in some ways, they're exactly the same! biggrin.gif So I'm going to try my best and continue, (Although...Granted, the shit author who made this garbage blocked me, so it only invigorated me to roast the ever-living shit out of his hard work.)

"Did you know that UnsavoryGlint is my old arse Xbox live profile name?, I keep it out of a odd respect for it (although it could due to the fact that its a euphemism for something nasty.)"
Go to the top of the page
+Quote Post

Reply to this topicStart new topic
1 User(s) are reading this topic (1 Guests and 0 Anonymous Users)
0 Members:


Lo-Fi Version Time is now: 18th August 2017 - 04:34 AM